We Hate Movies - S16 Ep863: First Knight (1995)

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

“Richard Gere is too handsome to fight with a helmet on!” - Andrew On this week’s show, we’re chatting about the super-sexy, Arthurian blockbuster, First Knight! How incredible and unsettling is Gere’s wig? Why is every character in this movie way too clean? Did Malagant’s broke down palace have an actual bottomless pit? How great is Ben Cross in this movie? And do these Knights of the Roundtable outfits look like something a Klingon would wear? PLUS: Sean Connery’s favorite movie of 2005 was definitely Robert Rodriguez’s Shin Shity! First Knight stars Sean Connery, Richard Gere, Julia Ormond, Liam Cunningham, Christopher Villiers, Ralph Ineson, John Gielgud, and Ben Cross as Malagant; directed by Jerry Zucker.Come hang out in Vegas with us this summer as we do a three-night stand at ST:LV to celebrate 60 years of Star Trek and 10 years of The Nexus! We’ll be at the convention Thursday, Friday and Saturday night doing three Nexus shows on Wrath of Kahn, Generations, and First Contact! Best part is, you don’t need to have a convention pass to attend, each show is ticketed separately. Click through to snag your tix now!This episode is brought to you in part by Hims. Ready to reach your goals? Visit hims dot com slash WHM to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you.And by Pestie! Keep the bugs away with Pestie. Go to pestie.com/WHM for an extra 10% off your order.Be sure to visit the WHM Merch shop over on Dashery and check out all the latest show-related designs you can slap on t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, stickers, whatever! Make your friends jealous by flaunting some WHM merch today! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hey gang, before we get into today's very sexy episode on first night, well, because the movie itself is sexy, you see. But before we get into that, just wanted to remind you that this summer, we want you to come play in the desert with us. That's right. This August, we're going to be in Las Vegas, Nevada, y'all. That's right, Vegas, baby. We are appearing at STLV, which is the largest Star Trek convention in the world. We are going to be there. They are celebrating 60 years of Star Trek, and we are celebrating 10 years.

10 years of doing our Star Trek recap show, The Nexus. Now, if you're unfamiliar with the Nexus, it is a show where we go through the world of Star Trek, episode by episode, the original series, and the next generation mostly, but not exclusively. And we just have a lot of fun. We love Star Trek, so it's a big, big honor for us to come out to Vegas to do these shows.

It's a three-night residency in Las Vegas, y'all. We are doing the shows in the DeForest Kelly Theater, y'all, at the Rio, where the convention is happening. Thursday, August 6th, we're talking Star Trek 2, the Rathacan. Friday, August 7th, we're talking about Star Trek Generations. And Saturday, August 8th, we're talking about Star Trek First Contact. Three of our favorite Star Trek films over three nights, it's going to be a lot of fun. The Nexus Live is a real treat.

It's a rarity. Folks in Oxford, England, can attest to that from last summer when we did some live Nexus fun over there. So do not hesitate, folks. The cool thing is also, we know that this is a convention, but the good news is, Our shows are separately ticketed. So you do not need to be attending this convention in order to come check out our three shows. But we are going to be around the convention floor. We're going to be hanging out in Vegas that whole weekend.

It's going to be a lot of fun. We want to see you out there. Head to our website, you guys. WHM Podcast.com. All the ticketing information is right there. There's different tiers for meet and greets and all that stuff. So look into it. Come on out.

It's going to be a lot of fun. This is our big debut in Vegas, y'all. We want to make a real good impression on all those. awesome convention folks. WHMpodcast.com, click on the tour tab this August. STLV meets WHM and the Nexus. It's going to be a whole lot of fun. And speaking of a whole lot of fun,

don't sleep on our contemporary horror recap show, Scarety cats. We just released the third edition of that show where we're talking about Russell Crow and the Pope's Exorcist. And a rad thing is it's a video show on the top tier of our Patreon where you can also, if you have to enjoy it on the go, get an audio podcast version of it as well. Patreon.com slash we hate movies for all that. WHM Podcast. Podcast.com for the tour information.

All right, that's it. Richard Gear. He's got a fantastic wig on in this movie. Sean Connery also wearing a wig in this movie. Let's talk about First Night. Enjoy. It's pretty extraordinary. This week on the program, it's the closest we'll get to seeing Richard Gear appear on American Gladiators. It's First Night. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Shadak. First Eric. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to Wee Hey Movies.

Thank you for tuning into the fine program, as always. That's right, this week. We're talking first night from 1995, directed by My Notes Tell Me, Airplane Director Jerry Zucker, if you can even believe it. Indeed. That's right. He gave his airplane, top secret, ruthless people, rat race, and also this movie, and the beloved ghost.

Hey, Jerry, is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar going to be in this picture? I know you're good friends with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. What do you think about getting the blow-up pilot to come in? He could be a blow-up night of the round table. I'd sucker punch him right in the kisser. He walks in on Lady Gwynnevere, giving, blowing him back up. God, we will get into it.

But before we do, I have to hit play really quickly. Coming soon to theaters. That's good evening. That's right. It is the VHS trailer game. we're back and better than ever. It's America's favorite game about obsolete materials. I am your game master, Stephen Sadek.

And, you know, as Bruce Stern has once called this game. I'm sure it's a game that four simpletons can play at one time. That is correct. And I'm joined by three other simpletons to play this game. You know how this all goes. We're rounded into like the sort of final lapse here. You know, August is the grand finale. Rounding as in round table.

But today we're Knights of the Game Table. Is that right? That's true. And I am the I'm the king. Well, actually, no, the Game King is now, Chris is kind of the malagant of this game, I guess. A little bit. You are the malagance.

True. Get yourself a Lancealot there, baby. Uh-huh. Oh, I'm getting caught. I'm getting cuckolded. Uh, so we have got a... What is this? I have to sit in the throne in the corner.

Oh, boy. So we've got Andrew at first place, 46 big-ass points. Nice. Chris close behind him at 35 and Eric is coming in third, 24. Still some time to play. And, you know, there's a lot of points left on the board, as we say. Needly do. So this is off the 1995-ish VHS for first night.

So just keep that in your head, mid-90s. We're in the mid-90s here. Okay. Here we go. Round one. Game Masters. Here's Kalu. A very early previous episode. This one finds a burgeoning star and a paranoid thriller ordering a pizza in a way previously thought to Andrew Juppen. That is the net. That is the net. She was ordering a pizza at a way previously thought impossible. Pizza.net, dude. Yes, sir.

Where do you think? You know, with pizza.net, where do you think that was coming from? Because now with like Grubhub, we've got like those ghost kitchens that are a thing. Pizza. Dot net must have been a ghost kitchen situation. Like not a real. bricks and mortar pizzeria. You know what I mean? Just like someone's house. Like a sewer cookery like you see in Demolition Man. Yeah, exactly. Rat pizza. That would be beautiful. Also a Sandra Bullock movie.

Interesting. We might have talked about this on the episode 200 million years ago, but apparently the Tribune trivia, one of the few PG-13 rated movies that permitted the use of the word fuck in a sexual context. Oh, nice. That's the net. Yeah, I think the line was, no, I won't fuck you, Dennis Miller.

He heard that a lot. Yeah, he did. It was funny how they broke reality like that. The fourth wall just tearing it right down. Okay, here we go. Round two. Game Masters clue. This political satire was the last

theatrically released film of a comedy icon and only narrative feature directed by a documentarian provocateur. Eric Siska. Canadian bacon? It is Canadian bacon for five big points from Eric. Oh. Yeah, that's, yeah, it's weird, like, apparently Alan Alda's in that.

I've never seen Canadian bacon. Really? I never, I never checked. Yeah, no, I haven't. I've seen it multiple times. I've taken a bite as well. Is it good? No.

No, but it's got John Candy in it. Yeah, it's got Alan Alder as the president. We better invade Canada or whatever he's doing. Oh, right. That's what that movie. I always mix that up with a strange brew, which I have seen, and it's fine. I mean, tensions with Canada. seemed impossible back then.

When we finally, you know, we like to do like tie-in stuff. When we go to war with Canada, we'll do Canadian Bay. There you go. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. We'll be on the pro-Canada side of that conflict. Absolutely. I don't want to be in a cell. We'll do a candy month. We'll do it all. Yeah, that'll be our

excuse to get past sensors. Yeah, yeah. So finally, the lightning round here, the final round, I'm calling this top gear. Oh, shit. So I've got to ask everyone We're doing this kind of Final Jeopardy style because I want you to...

A car thing? No, no, no. It's about Richard Geer, of course. Oh, yeah. Top gear. Zootie did there, did it. Yeah, he gets on top Lady Gwynover. Oh, wow.

So... It gets top. The gerbil tops him, you understand. Oh, that's a gerbil. Come on. I forgot. I know. It's a old thing.

Look it up. Ask your grandparents about that urban legend. But the... So basically what I'm asking you guys to do is write down because I, you know, know, we want to be fair here, that what you believe to be the five most popular Richard Gear movies on letterboxed. Oh, God. God. So that's, you got to remember, now you've got to go get your letterbox hat on. This is an IMDB we're talking about. Right. This is the pretentious kids that like to log everything. Exactly. So it's the top three. And there's,

I will say there's no bullshit one here. There's one that's very rare and very insane. But, but it's, but he is the star of all of these movies. He's top three, he's top three build in all the movies. It's not like, oh, Richard, you don't remember, Richard Gear fucking held the pizza and fucking apocalypse now. Like, no. This is, right, yeah, okay. But there's a rare one, huh? There's, there's a rare one that's worth five points and the other four are worth two.

So I'm going to give you, okay, I am going to give you, hold on, that much. An hour, please. Thank you. I'm like Donna on Mel. No, no, no, no, can I get an extra time? You're going to need some extra time. No, you're all going to get 20 seconds. Fuck.

All right, you know, we'll do 30 seconds. 30 seconds sound good to everybody? Sure, sure. I need to mentally get back. It's probably not for a Snartis. All right, so here we go. Starting now. Oh, God.

And there's fun music playing under this right now. That's happening in post. Richard Geer. I'm breaking this, by the way. Richard Geer, five movies with Richard Geer. He's the star of five movies. The most popular on Letterboxed. Little kids like Letterboxed.

Little kids do like Letterboxed. And we are out. Okay. Oof. So I'm going to go, Andrew Jupid. What are your top five most popular Richard Gear movies on Letterbox? What do you got? I'll tell you this.

I fucking, someone get the plastic sheets out. I shit the bed on this. I love it. I love it. I could only, my fucking brain went to sleep, and I wrote American Gigolo and Prince and Pretty Woman and that's all I got. Andrew Jubidus, two big points for Pretty Woman.

American Gigolo is not on there. Wow, that's surprising. Okay. Chris Cabin. What do you got? Five top letterbox, Richard Geer. I got Pretty Woman. I got Chicago.

I got American Gigolo, Runaway Bride. And it's a dog movie. I think it's called Hadecki. I'm not sure, though. Whoa. Did he get the rare one? he almost got the rare one but you need to know what the title is i don't know the title okay so you i do not know it's like it's it's it's the name of the dog i forget what the name of the dog is but

see you had said what was the saying as pretty woman pretty woman chicago american jiggle and runaway bride yeah so you've got two out of five i would give you the dog movie which i will reveal in one moment i don't think eric ciska's got the fucking dog movie no i don't uh eric what do you got okay so prepare for a lot of this to be wrong. I was just trying to remember Richard Gere movies on the top of my head. Okay, an officer and a gentleman. That is not on there, unfortunately. Red Corner, which wouldn't be.

Nope. O Canada, which wouldn't be. Which would not be, no. Southerstby, which would not be. Southerstby. Love this. And primal fear. You got one, two points for primal fear. The top five are Pretty Woman Chicago. Primal Fear, Days of Heaven, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, okay. Love that. Days of Heaven. And Chris was very close to guessing Hachi, a dog's tale from 2009, a movie I've never heard of, wherein it's Richard Geertie adopted Akita dog for some reason. Oh, I thought he was going to be a pussy hound in this one. No, not that. That sounds vaguely familiar. The title doesn't put Richard Geer and getting a dog. I feel like I must have seen a preview of that or something.

It's a Lassa Halstrom movies, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why the kids love it. So there you go. That's your top gear. Sure. A little bit of fun that one. Yeah. Yeah.

You like that. A kid play. Come on now. So at long last, the wars are over. Thank goodness. Eric, we've got a scroll here. This is the longest fucking scroll. It goes on.

You mean, first of all, it's no longer than a Star Wars scroll, so stop it. But that one's interesting. This is a classy fucking scroll. This white text over the beautiful field. This is what you're, when you're trying. to design a poster in like fucking the fourth grade, you go into MS Word and find the fanciest font. Yeah, definitely.

It's a fancy font. You get to see, I guess, some knights or something in the background moving around this landscape. And it starts as, at long last, the wars were over. Arthur, the great king of Camelot, had devoted his life to building a land of peace and justice. Now he wished to marry. But the peace was not to last.

Oh, ho! The most powerful of Arthur's knights, Prince malignant Like a tumor Had been jealous of the king's glory Now he found a cause to quarrel with Arthur And left Camelot with hatred in his heart And so the land was divided again

Between those who rallied to Prince Malignant Seeking the spoils of war And those who stayed loyal to the king And then there was Lancelot A wanderer who had never dreamed of peace or justice Or knighthood Going to get my little candle and my pillow and my nightcap.

Times were hard. A man made his living any way he could. And Lancelot had always been good with a sword. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Oh, boy. This, between this opening and then the first Richard Gear scene and then we get the title card, it's a very

sloppy situation here. Yeah. This is where I was like, okay, yeah, airplane. No, no, this makes sense now. This is absolute fucking joke I'm going through here. Wow. After a scroll, you fucking baby. It is. It's a fucking scroll that goes on forever. I was like, is this a joke? Is this funny? To be fair to like, you know, it's got a scroll.

And then, yes, we don't get the title card for a while. But this was back in a time when we would actually go through the entire credits practically. At the start of the film, at which way Star Wars bucked in 77. But it was alive and well in the 90s. This is Richard Gere, like at a county fair or something. What is he doing here? Is he, is he just like, hey, who wants? Who wants some?

That's what it is, dude. You just walk in and you're like, hey, who wants a piece of the big dog? I see. And then you know, because they're just a bunch of disgusting Leoness Rubes that you're going to take them for all their shekels or whatever the fucking coinage they've got there. And then you'll move on to the next town. That's what this dude does. He's a handsome scumbag. That's what the hair does.

The hair really brings them in. That's the beautiful thing about this. because it's this and what, like Mr. Jones, I think he has the long hair as well. The brown hair is very, it's very important. Richard Geer famously gray,

like a Steve Martin type since, from long ago. Sure, yes. In that regard, it is kind of unsettling. I hadn't even thought of that. Because again, I think I said this maybe at our pretty woman show

or the intro that we recorded for that after, you know, the fact and we were going to release it, I still have not seen, and maybe this speaks to my shitting the fucking bed, at the VHS trailer game round. I have not seen a ton of Richard Gear.

I mean, granted, a bunch of those answers I've seen fucking all of them. So I am just blanking on it. But like, I forgot that, like, he is just, was always like this dude perennially gray for most of his life. I'm not the world's biggest fan of Richard Gear, TBAH. I think that might be why I'm a bit of a field in this film.

Whoa, whoa. I love him. I really do. I'm a big fan. Chris, you get lost in his eyes, don't you? I do. Also, I just like, I think he, he's got present, like real presents. He does. He's magnetic to me. He does. And he uses that well

in some movies. And I think other movies I'm just sort of like, sometimes it's like, and here comes Richard Gere. I'm like, does he have to be? Does he have to be? Him and Paul Schrader have made two great movies, I think. In my opinion. Agreed. But I think another unsettling thing here is he's playing a Frenchman and like it is just the Richard Gere. If you really listen to Richard Gere, if you really, if you put a cup up to the movie, and listen to Richard Gere, there's a New York accent buried in. Yeah. And it's great most times, but when he is a dueling night of the round table,

and that's slip it out. I don't care about the voice, the not having the correct accent and stuff, because, like, obviously I liked Robin Hood Prince of Things with Kevin Costner and Christian Slater. Because guess what, folks, none of this shit fucking happened. No, it's like complaining about accents in Star Wars, Luke Skywalker doesn't sound right. I actually don't mind Richard Greer, by the way, from Philadelphia, FY. Oh, Philly accent he's got there, is it? So he's got that Philly accent.

But it's a dip of something. Yeah, it's definitely a northeastern situation. And I don't mind the accent either because it's like, to Eric's point, it's like, yeah, it's whatever. I'd rather that than him doing some bullshit fake British thing. I guess you're right. Yeah. Bore me to tears. I mean, it kind of, and like, you know, they even say he's a wanderer, so he's from a land where everyone, the great world of Philadelphia.

Oh. You're from Philadelphia. I'm just getting off 10 miles of fucking scroll. And I'm about to deal with it. I don't care. Like, yeah, you can talk any way you like. You're in a night. Go ahead.

They burned your family in an abbey with creamed cheese in there. Did that happen? Oh, no. That was after you won the big baseball championship. Well, they burned your family, but that was because your family was throwing batteries at a baseball game. That was only after another family had vomited on your family from the upper deck of the stadium.

At the end of this, he should forge the liberty bill. I did hear my favorite slur of all time that I've only heard once. And it happened when I was in South Jersey with my wife's family. We're on the boardwalk. Are you sure you should be repeating this? I think I'm okay. I'll leave it out if there's a problem. Don't worry about it.

I got it. There was like, you know, it's like the South Jersey shore, very close to Pennsylvania. There's a big confluence of people. Yeah. Trash, you could say it. Well, that's it. Here's the thing. There was a minor traffic incursion.

A guy comes out, he's like, you fucking Philly trash coming over here. And I've never heard it before or since. Philly trash is pretty damn good. I think the Philly people say South Jersey trash. Absolutely. That's right. As well, they should. Yes, I just, Philly trash is pretty good.

I don't think they specify regionally there. South. Yeah, I think Jersey. The dudes in the North trash, too. Don't worry. I mean, they're all, it's all garbage. Bottom of the state, Springsteen, trash. Top of the state, Tony Soprano, also trash. You think Richard Gere knocked my glasses off if I called him Philly Trash?

Oh, definitely, dude, because it's not the first time nor the last that he's heard that. Even now. I mean, the man is aged. Yeah, he would still do that. The Buddhism be damned. He'd slap you right across the worst. Right there. Just a big paw to smack in your calloused, I would imagine.

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visit hymns.com. But this is a fun little, it's informative if you say Robin and Prince of Thieves. That's what this movie is. This is very much off the steam of like it's a romance, it's the English legend situation,

it's sexy, but it's action, the guys and the gals like it. It's got everything. Oh, big time, yeah. I will give you this, Eric, this did make me appreciate Kevin Costner's work. A hundredfold. Like I just, I was so much more like, oh my God, that movie had fucking pulse.

That movie had a fucking villain in it. God damn it. You're shocking me here. You were just complimenting Richard Gere. And now it seems like you prefer Costner. Well, for this, for this specific thing, absolutely, 100%. Just out of one thing to push back a little bit. Malagant by Ben Cross, I think is a pretty solid villain performance.

There's a clear villain in this movie, man. You can't say that. He disappears often, though. Yes. I think it's an issue. She's busy. Here's what it is, though. It's unlike Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, where it is action forward and there's sexiness

and whatnot, this movie is an Arthurian love triangle and everything else around it for better or worse, depending upon your mileage with this movie, is indeed intentionally in the background. It is. But I think my biggest beef is, we're Merlin at, folks. Where is he? It's a magicless Arthurian thing, which is kind of interesting. Right? Zero magic in this movie.

I need a fucking wizard and a staff and all sorts of fun shit. What the fuck do you mean there's not going to be a Merlin? The only reason I said yes was because I wanted to do a scene with a fucking wizard. Could you not get Alan Rickman's number? Could you not find it anywhere? Ooh, yeah, man. I love that. I like that idea.

Merlin probably cocked him, Arthur, at some point. And he's been executed since. That was the thing, right? Because, like, an older Arthur in this movie, Sean Conner, he was like an older King Arthur. If he was, like, reminiscing by the, oh, yes, my old wizard friend Merlin, dead 20 years now. I had to have him executed after I caught him stup in my last girlfriend.

But he was amazing. You should have seen him. He would be able, he pulled a rabbit out of a hatch. He had a handkerchief that seemed to go on forever. He was on the battlefield. I'm not kidding. He was on the battlefield one time. He got off his horse.

his helmet off, I was rock hard. I don't mind telling you. I felt it that night. So Lancelot's fucking with these fat people in town and stealing their swords. And there's this sandy blonde guy that he teaches the lesson like, hey, look, the reason I'm so good at sword play here. And this is probably the coolest sword play you see that he does back at the end. But this like super swordsmanship that he's doing. flipping the sword out of the fella's hand and taking it on it.

This peasant, this blonde peasant's name is Mark. The character Mark. All Kinman, who was like the weapons supervisor on the movie. This guy went up. I couldn't recall the character. I only saw the movie one time. Yeah, I think he might be one of the underground guys with like Tom Hanks and Brian Cranston.

He's lunky in Asteroid City. Oh. He's like one of the miners there. What the heck's going on in that movie? But he's got to credit as Lunky in Asteroid City. but basically his thing is like the only reason I could do this is because I don't care if I live or die because I'm such

a sexy rogue Here's the tip of how you be a great swordsman Like me son have nothing To live for. Excellent Care about absolutely nothing have zero regard for your own life and you will totally kick ass at this. Alone forever That's the that's the goal

That's what you're going for. Dream come true man well you know he can't get close to people Chris because he saw everyone he ever knew get burned to death in a church, which is a, you don't need that flashback, folks. You really know. No, you don't. And I'll, can we just talk about it now because it doesn't matter,

but this little kid playing the young Lancelot, this wig that they have on this child, I was belly laughing. Yeah. You don't need this at all. It's just this kid's screaming, no, no, no. Because it's Richard Geard. He's doing this impassioned monologue, which he does, I mean, again, I'm not the world's

biggest dad, but dude can act. I'm not saying he can't. And he's doing an impassioned monol in this tender scene with Guinevere. And then you have this cutaway, this very sloppy cutaway. And it's like, oh, this is a bad idea.

Were you worried that I would not figure out that that's supposed to be young Richard gear? Was that, was that the thought that I would lose that somehow? I almost wonder if that whole, you know, just showing that kid running at the camera and then showing this stained glass breaking.

Like, was that added in after a test audience? Did someone not get it enough? God damn it. I hope not. I have no idea. entirely possible. So yeah, we get the title card after that

and Richard Gears, Lancelot leaves town, but we stay where we are so fucking Malagans dudes can come in and just burn this place to the ground due to a neighborly border dispute. Yes, and we get to see one of the first, the first of many cross-bowings in this movie. Dude, hell yeah.

I love just getting this guy shot in the back with this crossbow bolt. It's great. The crossbows are a bit silly, in my opinion. They're like guns, yeah. Exactly like guns. Yes. They are used like guns. They are used like guns.

And be like, boom, boom, boom, boom. But are you saying this technology you don't think existed at the time? I mean, it's, it, there was never this time. But yeah. This is all fantasy world. Yeah. I understand. No, I know.

But yes, it seems a bit silly for the time of swords and whatnot. Yeah, it seems a bit silly. Seems out of place. It is, I'll give you this. Because, I mean, when is it crossbow, not cool? Come on. But it's the handheld nature. It's the tiny guy.

Like, you need like the chew. Tobacco, Bocaster, big motherfucker. These are, you could do fucking Bruce Willis double fist in these things. You can do in these guys. You can chow you unfat with these things. He's fitting around. Yeah, they're arrow pistols. That's what they are. You got to get the guy who has to like pull the thing

back with two hands. Those big motherfuckers. Yeah. And then, you know, the town's being invaded and Mark, you know, the simple-minded peasant here, he's hocking hay. And oh my God, they're burning all the hay roofs. But, you know, we'll be safe here in the hayery.

So let's stay here where all the hay is. They couldn't possibly think to burn down the hay barn. Well, I mean, the sciences weren't taught yet, Eric. So they're like, the hay will protect us. Galileo wasn't around yet to tell them. What's flammable? That was Galileo's big thing. The dude that lights the barn on fire is a baby-faced Ralph Innocent.

Nuts. Playing a character named Ralph just spelled differently. That's right. I was like, Tony Danz. in my old days. Every role he had was named Ralph. I hadn't hurt my growth spurt yet. That happened about two years after this movie.

My voice growth spurt. Yeah, he is kind of like a little higher pitched in this movie. He doesn't have a ton of lines, but they're there and they sound weird. Am I crazy? Did somebody see Rob Bryden as one of the guys that's helping him? Am I nuts? That's what the trivia says. That's nuts.

Because I was like, oh, that guy looks like the guy from the, oh, okay. One of my beefs of this movie is everything's very clean and it looks like we're on the holiday. It looks like Picard could walk in at any point. Like, ah, Mr. Data, look at how they lived in Leonash. Interesting. Because it looks like they have indoor plumbing. They have toilets or something.

They should be covered in filth. I saw this in theaters, by the way, back with this. Oh, really nice. And that was my chief complaint for the entire rest of the 19th. 90s. That movie. No, I mean, like, I'm not asking I have to go full hard to be a god, but I need a little bit of that. Just a little teeny piney.

I think I saw a dry cleaning tag on one of these guys. I need to smell these movies, man. Yes. Prince of thieves had that. Prince of thieves had some, some, like, grit and some, you know what I mean? The production. I think the costuming is pretty cool in this movie, but it is like really crisp and clean to the point where like, this looks kind of silly. I would be curious what, I didn't look it up, but comparatively the production budget between this and Prince of Thieves.

Because like a reason you don't get shit dirty is because the next day you have to have them clean again and that costs money. You know what I mean? So I wonder if it's like, you can only destroy these wardrobe so much because we can only afford to replace so many shirts. And it's also possible that the fucking director of airplane didn't have that thought in his brain either. That's awesome possible. Well, also you're asking the director of Top Secret to handle Sean. Connery. Like, I know. That's a bit much. I don't know, man. He handled Val Kilmer. I guess, hey, he's a younger guy. I get it. Uh, but yes, or Malagan's like, hey, gather around whoever's left.

The reason I did this is because three of your guys fucking walked on my lawn last night. So I burned your town down. Right. He claims three people were, were killed. And then he always claims that all these border towns are bandits or whatever when he clearly, sir, you're dressed like a bandit. And you live in a cave. You do have a hideout, Malagant. Let's put that out there. You're the bandit. Your ball. No, ma'am. No bandit. No man.

No, he's not a bandit, man. We do get, we cut to Julio Ormond playing proto-sockers somewhere. Dude, this old game kick the medicine ball around. Dog ball, I was calling it. Because there's dog.

just getting in on the action. Well, the dogs are part of the team. Yeah, of course, yeah. There's no law that says dogs can't play medieval soccer. It is the last game in the dog ball bowl. And the medieval version of Air Bud, you know, they'll eat him at the end, I think. Oh, no. Fired up, bud.

You want us the championship. Now we're going to eat you. Sorry, bud, hard up this month. What with it being the middle ages, you know? You'll be a good dog, even if you stay in my belly. we usually only eat the losers but unfortunately but I'm quite hungry but yes this is Leoness

and we are introduced to Julia Ormond as Guinevere here and you can tell she's a salt to the earth person because she's playing dogball with these kids having a grand old time so much so that when this person comes up and is like oh hey this border village attack happened or whatever

she's like all right got to get my business look on You come over here You're going to sub Into this soccer game While I go do my fucking political It's amazing She makes sure that there is a

Completed substitution before she leaves the pitch We're gonna lose now What the fuck? Winnevere! It's your dog bow championships Oh damn it Oh I want to eat that dog If you don't come back in a minute

We were gonna eat him anyway, Nigel She don't know that Does anybody know how to season? I don't know how to season nothing. I need shot him. So she meets with all these, you know, survivors and offers them, you know, shelter and food and whatnot. And she makes this great point. She's like, what the fuck does Malagant want to rule over?

If he destroys the whole world, he's going to be the king of a graveyard, which is kind of a good line. It's a good line. It's a great line to just mail to a couple of people right now. Like, do you want to be the fucking king of a graveyard or what, man? Exactly. Yes. I do. Yes, I do. Also here is cinema legend

Sir John Galgoode as Oswald the advisory character here. Who is not her father, right? No, because the father were told died like the year before. More of an uncle type, it seems. And it's just she's like, I guess I'll marry Arthur.

I've been pinging her on Facebook over and over. She hasn't been responding. You remember, we used to poke each years ago. Do you remember the Facebook poke? Yes, I was poking or even back when I was her father's co-worker or whatever was going on. That's the weirdest part.

Because he's, I mean, like, you know, whatever he's supposed to be in the movie, he's, Sean Conner, he's 30 something years older than she is, which is whatever. But it's one thing to have an extremely young girlfriend. It's another thing to do so when you knew her dad and were hanging out, going hunting and like, then like,

it's a world of difference, my friend. She's not ready yet. She's not ready. Stop bringing up the dad. I agree. You know what? Fine. If you are friends with the dad, whatever.

But stop bringing the fucker up. Stop it. Because every time you do that, it invokes the obviously logical conclusion of what he knew her as a little kid. Yeah. They tell stories about it. It's like, oh, when you went hunting and he's like, you would always so sweet back then. I'm like, what? When she's died, you creep.

That was that time I got that scrape on my head. hand and then you you put your shirt collar on it and got all the blood off and I was hard as a rock let me tell you. You made me watch some of that what is that wonderful little dog Bluey?

I was watching some Bluey with you and then we were just having such and I do then you were just flirting with me the whole time I could tell guys you got to remember that Britain is a backwater hovel they've got lords and ladies he can only he can't have sex with a regular

person because his imaginary royal god would get mad or whatever. That's right. Yeah. No, I've heard that. Yeah, this is a basically like an Anna Nicole Smith and that old fucker kind of situation, right? Oh, totally. This dude's about to croak. She knows

it. Leoness needs some help. She's got to, and that's the weird thing that this movie wants it everything every single way. Like, I kind of wish Gwynnevere was a little bit more you know, like A character? Yeah, well, just like, oh, I love them both equally, but I guess I love Lancelot just a little bit more.

No, it's like, well, this is more of a political decision. This is what I need to do. You know what I mean? Like, more pragmatic. It's like, I'm not super attracted to him, but I'll do it anyway kind of a thing. I think you do get that through her performance, through her eyes, through her eyes for Lancelot. Yes, yeah, that's fair.

I think they kind of do spell it out. In your eyes, the whole movie. No, but it is all. Yeah, I mean, it's that thing of like, because he tries to give her outs here. They're like, you sure you want to get married. Like, I'll still protect your little city of Launas. You don't have to marry.

Like, she's like, yeah, but I know I definitely love you. Like, it's like the weird, like, there's a pause there, Andrew. And then he gets kind of pissy and indignant. Yes. Right, yeah. You know, I'm going to have to go. He's, he's seen's deleted, but I go to Merlin for the Viagra Spare. I'm going to need, I'm an old a man.

Merlin. I need a little help down there. I need Viagra. I need love potion number nine. It was a dramatically intense scene between me and what was the young man's name? That's right. Oh, Chris Tucker. That's right. And Chris Tucker as Merlin. Hey, why not? I'd be in doing it. Hey, man, bring it on. That would be a total fantasy. A wisecrack in Merlin.

I got a smell for you. There is a hilarious edit right here where she's like, well, how could I love anyone more? And it just cuts to Richard Gere's sexily washing his face in a river. But this is a big action scene we have here. Gwynnevere's party is on the road. They're going to Camelot from Leoness

to get the wedding shit underway here. And, uh-oh, bandits's on the road. Oh, no. No, it's that evil malagance forces. Does anybody else keep on wanting to say my dignant? Every time. Every time. God damn it.

But yeah, there's a down tree in the road, which can only mean one thing. Ambush afoot here. And do you guys notice, I love this little detail. It's not really a detail. It's just an extra. The guy driving Guinevere's carriage at the start of it looks almost exactly like Brian De Palma. Really?

Okay. Which is only made funnier when he gets a fucking arrow right at his chest layer. We do see the beginning of, he's like kind of, I don't even know his character's name, but I would call him Knight of the Roundtable number one. I guess he's Sir Arravan or whatever is that Liam Cunningham? Yeah, he's a baby Leon Cunningham, Sir Davos, by the way. Yes, sir. The Onion Knight. The Onion Night.

Yeah, and he's, I wish there was some more Knights of the Roundtable stuff. You know what I mean? Like, make them characters. Like, he's kind of the only one that gets any play. So, like, a company retreat or something. No, I'm Sir Agravann. I'm the, I'm the bawdy one. Oh, I'm the fucking fat one.

Just talking business during the week, you know, nothing crazy. Where the fuck's, isn't Galaad? One of them, where is he? Gala. We don't get any Galaad. We don't get Garwin or Gawain there. You want him? Apparently, he's in it.

But again, all of them are just like, and I'm here too. I too am a knight. Yeah, I mean, again, it's unfortunate that the knights of the roundtable are in a movie that are not about the knights of the roundtable, but that is why. I will say that Liam Cunningham's, dude, this guy's like the chief of security.

And like, he should be fired at least four times in this movie because the security breaches at Camelot are happening night after night. She gets kidnapped no less than twice in this film on his wife. Watch. It's crazy, dude, that he still has his position such as he does at the end of this movie. Now, folks, as many of you know, I moved from the Big Apple to the suburban environment of Connecticut many years ago. There are a lot of differences between the two, bagel edibility, traffic laws, the Frank Pepe conundrum, etc. But perhaps the biggest of all the differences is between the pests. Yes, the eternal city dwellers fight against man-sized race.

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I like all this. Yeah, you got the first wave of people they think that they got them all off or whatever, but then like Ralph Innocent does this badass whistle and then like the second wave of dudes and this is another Liam Cunningham fuck up because he's got to tell King Arthur later. He's like sure, you had the first

guys well in hand there. What the fuck happened in the second round? And he's like, yeah. I guess I didn't anticipate a second round. He said, okay, my chief of security didn't anticipate a second round of nights. Excellent. We mentioned how malignant there. He will, he will.

Now I'm thinking about that little guy in the back of that lady's head. You wish. I wish. Oh, my God. Him. He will sacrifice as many men. It doesn't matter. So that's why their infantry took so many losses and they don't care.

Right. Why am I fighting for this guy, you know? Great question. But so, you know, at the end of it, she, like, is almost kidnapped, but here comes to her rescue, the great Lance a lot, you know, and he's, he's murking two dudes, but, uh-oh, there was a third. Hell yeah, dude, this guy comes up behind her fucking little mini crossbow right to her head or whatever. And this is most like a gun is like, I'll fucking do her, man, I'll fucking do her. Get the fuck away from me. I'll ice the bitch.

I'll ice this fucking bitch, man. It's a crossbow. It's very funny to me. Oh, it's so good. But this is awesome because, like, Richard Geard knows that this dude is a scumbag. And he's like, hey, man, what have we both had our way with her here in the woods and, like, gets this dude all fucking horned up and whatnot? All while Guinevere is, like, getting this other little crossbow mini guy ready to go. I'm sorry, extra half star for a crossbow to the fucking dick.

Thank you very much. Did she have the crossbow on her, like, leg ankle bracelet kind of a thing? like they do in cop movies. That would be, it would fit there for sure. I think you see her picking up off the ground. But it would be like if she's just raising her dress up really quickly. And I don't think we exactly get a pure dick shot. This looks slightly.

Don't ruin this for me. Well, I'm going to try to make this work for you that perhaps he had an erection and his pants were skewing it upwards. Gotcha. It was a little too tight of a fit. So it's headed towards the belt line and then maybe it was a bullseye. a shaft through his shaft. Hell yeah.

Dude, yeah, like pinning a butterfly to a fucking note card. God. Splitting a hot dog right down the middle. Oh, no. That'd be nice home decor. Like some, you know, psychos hang up butterflies.

That's right. So, yeah, I'm the lady of Leoness. You saved me. You know, and she says something. She's like, how can I reward you?

And he says something about dairy maids. And she's like, a dairy maids. made couldn't reward you like I can and he's like I don't know set of tits vagina yeah it's pretty much all the dairy I mean the dairy is fantastic

these days it's it's this is also I think he's too old for this role or she's young like he's he's he's too lance a lot was always on the younger side he should be he's younger than Sean Conner he's about 20 years younger than Sean Conner he's about 20 years older than her and that's kind of the problem like yep big time if they're the same age

then a lot of this dialogue makes a ton of more sense. It's opposed to him being like in his 40s just kind of hanging around. Yeah, but you know, a royal lady you have to marry young. There's probably no options. What are you going to marry malignant? You know? Well, think about this though. Maybe

Lancelot in this movie is just that dude, just like perennially single, just like banging, he'll say whatever. He's still using the same lines from 20 years ago because they're still working. You know what I like about dairy mains? I get older and they stay the same.

also they bring me milk and I drink it like I'm not kidding you like five glasses with dinner hey man party at the moon tower I think actually the latter goes up to the moon because we don't have science yet talk to you soon and one day we'll have the cheese that is up there so and I won't have to eat any more cheese from these dairy maids that keep bringing it oh hold on there's another freshman I'm going to spank him I'm going to Spank that fresh man. Uh, uh, now I'm going to fight this other guy because he made anti-Semitic comments at my friend at the Moon Tara party. You're just, you're going to have to wait, have to drill holes in it so it hurts more.

You got to get the wind resistance has to guy. Part of the butt cheek gets stuck in the hole on the paddle, you see. Making it hurt more. Got to make them remember. Remember that there was Connery who did it to him. I like this dazed in Camelot. Oh, that's it. Fuck yeah, dude. Dude, yeah.

Better, here's the thing. You take all the magic out of it. And it's just a grounded stoner comedy in medieval time. And here it is. Lancelot is hanging out with his buddies. He's like, I don't know. Coach wants me to be a fucking night of the roundtable soon. I don't know if I can handle it.

I'm going to sign this piece of paper saying I'm not going to smoke pot and hang out with my buddies. my sword coach I don't want your life oh it's the problem though is what we're doing is making the stoner comedy in the middle ages and oops that's your highness all right well that's not saying you take the magic out of it oh okay there you go

and no puppets that puppets very funny in that movie but no puppets in our medieval stoner comedy I must admit I like that movie I actually never saw it it's kind of worth of time man is Franco in that it is a friend's

It's one of the last Franco Rogan. And Natalie Portman weirdly. Yes. What were you saying there? That's James Franco, not Dave Franco, right? Yes, it's. Unfortunately, a James Franco. Yes, it is.

The malagant of Franco. So, Lancelot basically drops her off. He tries to steal a smoot. She gets pissed off about it. He says, hey, I guarantee you, before you get married, you will ask me to kiss you before the midsummer moon or whatever the fuck. Oh, no, he steals a smooch. He doesn't try anything.

He's all over. One of the first men of many very wet kisses. Oh, right. Like, you insult me. No, now I've insulted you when he grabs her. And this fucking kiss, dude, the way he's kissing throughout this movie is intense. He's starting before he gets there. He's like fucking the wind with his mouth.

There is some air kissing. You're totally right. I think she's going to burp after this kiss. He shoved a bunch of air into her. Isn't that erotic? Don't you love an erotic? perp. I do.

Well, kissing with you, by the way. Yeah, because yes. But yes, he even says, he kind of does like a weird, like, one day Lorraine. It's just like this. Yeah. It's one day you will, by midsummer's day,

you will ask to kiss me. I'm not kissing you anymore until you ask for it. You better fucking ask me. He does really great fuck off to the security detail here. like, I assume that's your brave escort. And it's all these nights standing around like, where the fuck did she go? Yeah, she's like, oh, you're abandoned me.

He's like, no, just go up to your fucking boys. They'll have you. There's the road, idiot. And this is the problem with this movie. Because all of this, so far the pacing has been fine. Once Sean Connery and Camelot gets involved, it takes fucking forever for anything to happen. The, like this.

And, you know, the first one's the introduction with all the fucking flaming arrows and shit. but it takes for well I'm going to walk all the way down all my night each and everyone after you after him yep it's gonna take I'm a little older it's gonna take me a while oh this is elegant man he's the fucking king of Camelot but then when he gets to the front of this line Andrew he goes welcome to the Camelot yes come on in we have some snacks cold drinks no I I liken this movie to the friend who like you keep on saying all right Ready to go? We got to move in like 10 minutes.

You ready to go? We got to get... All right. Oh, fuck. I forgot my. Oh, wait. I forgot my. Oh, I forgot that.

Oh, wait. Got in the car. Well, I was going to bring popcorn. Let me pop the popcorn in there first. So we don't have to pay for it. We don't have to pay for it. Come on, guys. You yourself are slap it out that fucking wheel, man.

Just go. And by the way, now she gets offered to send a message back to her town of lioness or whatever it's called. Lioness. that the message they send I find this very insulting message to my people that I am safe in my new country my eyes

are full of tears of joy good luck to all you losers bye yeah well that's like the LeBron James smiling through it all I can't believe this is my life post you know what I mean I'm taking my talents to Camelon she's you know this is the first

you know Instagram post she's making it's like oh my God You wish you were me smiling through it all. There is a not great composite shot of the two of them walking over the hill to what is ultimately a nice matte painting of Camelot. But again, this is where I was wondering about the money because I was like, this is 1996. This shot should not look this bad. It looks fucking horrible. They have it like on an easel still.

I'm still painting it. It's $55 million. budget according to Wikipedia. But I think about 14 or 15 of that went to gear and what do you call it there? Gear and Connery. Honor. Yeah, because you got to pay those dudes. Apparently, Julian Ormond only made 300 grand

and she was like, okay. Jesus, that's crazy. Yeah, that's how that works. Well, you know, she gets a ticker tape parade here when she gets to Camelot. So that makes up for it. Which also felt not congruent with reality. Yeah. When it was like, and here comes, I could not not think of Monty Python at this.

moment. Let's not go to Kamlau. It's a shilly place. I might have said it's only a model when they walked up to it. But so we're just having a nice sort of day in Camelot. We get to see how these people live. And then yes,

this is American Gladiators slash American Ninja Warrior S. Gottlet. That is the entertainment for this afternoon. And if you could run across it, you get a kiss from the princess. Right. And Richard Gere gets because he starts flirting with this horse stable boy a little bit.

He saves his horse and then I'm like, is he going to make out with him now? He's kissing everybody in this field. It's the horniest. Yes, very horny. And then like, so I'm wondering if he like, so he goes and he captures this horse for the stable boy, very sexy scene with those two.

I'm wondering if he let the horse loose. Did we miss that scene? Is that deleted scene? I think that becomes her white horse baby later on. It does. Yeah. It's fit for a queen. I see.

But yeah, it's like, hey, so I got you the queen's or the soon-to-be queens horseback. What are you going to do for me? We're out in this field all alone, a couple of sexy boys. How about some sword play? Flesh sword. There was supposed to be some water

underneath the gauntlet here. Where's all the water that I went? Well, we're actually in a drought right now. I wanted that and I wanted the, inclined that they have to scramble up. It's very wipe out, very American Ninja Warrior, absolutely. Oh, what's that?

Oh, yes, the kill yourself machine has been assembled. I love this one. The first half is American gladiators. The second half is a saw trap. Exactly. But the funny, the gag is, everyone is in like these, like, what you would move,

if you were moving into a new building and you had to put shit on the elevator to get in there, like that padding. Like, you're about to wrestle a bear or something. I was thinking about like dudes in those like dog training academies like attack dog shit. Do you ever see that great clip from the old

Conan O'Brien show with uh it's it's Brian Stack and Conan and I think this is the other guy who's in full uh what do you call it there in full um dog training gear and there's a dog's like yeah the dog can don't worry Conan the dog's not going to bite through that because it's all the tension and blah blah

it's whatever his face and I would never go for the face and then uh the dog just pulls up a gun and shoots the chest. Hell yeah. It's Ian Roberts and Coded anyways. Because it was a recurring bit and whatever the dog's name was.

Ginger, no. Yes, Ginger, yeah. Ginger, no. The dog fucking. Oh, man, the dog gun arm is so funny. But so everyone's doing it, but the guy, the busker,

not the busker, what do you call it? He's like a master of ceremony. The Barker, I would call it. The Cardinal Barker guy. He's like, hey, and whoever doesn't get a kiss from the queen.

And then, like, Arthur's like, you better do it. You better do it well. You better do it sexy like, you see. You're the prize for the American gladiator contest. Don't fuck it up. You think I'm kidding. No, no, you better get to puck them up.

Get the lipstick for her. You're going to be kissing nitro by the end of the night. Oh, dude, nitro classic gladiator character. I'm shocked that there wasn't like a, hey, what? I mean, when they kiss later and he walks in on it, like, you said we could took a rain check on the gauntlet what's the big deal?

Won a contest? Delayed prize. Yeah, exactly. I do like, they do start, they're doing this contest before the king and Guinevere come out there and it is fucking hilarious because there's like a big, dumb fat guy

and he's got his fucking dog bite suit on. He's trying to do it. And then to announce, of course, Arthur and Guinevere coming into the court, all these trumpets go off and this fat guy just falls and eats shit right off because he gets distracted. It's pretty great.

But of course, Richard Gere, he's a fucking Mary Sue. He does it in no time flat. No padding for this dude. He doesn't care if he lives or dies, Andrew. Oh. That's his superpower. Kids at home emulate that. Don't give a shit about life or death.

That's what you really got to get right in there in the pocket. It's my superpower. Epathy. And then what? We walks up there and he decides not to smoocher or she won't ask for it, right? Yeah, because he's like, ask for it. Ask for it.

Do it. Otherwise, I can't get off. That's the only way. It's really awesome. All of these like townsfolk are all screaming kiss, kiss. Why are they so concerned? And I realized this is their pornography. Yeah.

Like, this is the spank bank for later. Oh, when the handsome traveler kissed the soon-to-be queen. And imagine. Just think of all the imagination it takes to get from there to where you, you would need to be to get the action done. I mean, back then, you could just use your brain more. That's just, that's a wonderful thing. I'm imagining either I am the queen or I'm the sexy traveler.

Maybe I'm both. Maybe, you know, or maybe I'm the stable boy and they're passing me around. Using me like a spit roast, absolutely. I'm a hot potato. Just pass me back and forth, honey. Maybe I'm the old king getting cucked sitting in the corner. I don't know. Or I'm one of 30% of all these people and thinking about my mother.

I jack off. You know, that's all you had back back then. That's true. Yeah, not many options. Or a chicken. I don't know. Those people are fucked up. The middle ages, guys. So, Gere says, I dare not kiss such a lovely lady yet because I only have one heart to lose and then

kisses her hand. And then people are like, they're screaming, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was like it's a professional wrestling event. Now, ladies and gentlemen, stop fucking. Stop fucking in the middle of the street. I know it's hot. Just stop. Just stop. Fucking please.

And Connery's impressed. He's like, extraordinary. Unbelievable. To see that guy, he just cucked to me, sort of. I hope he doesn't do more of it. Boy, we're not to be embarrassing. I wish she was kissing my wife. Boy, that'd be fantastic.

You know what should I show him my den? Let's show him my den. And this is where things get really awesome script-wise, because now that they have met, you get to hear Sean Connery say, Ancelot repeatedly, and it's so good. He was born to say the name Lancelot. We didn't say it because we're going fast, which is good because this movie takes forever.

It takes 30 minutes to get to Connery, like full 30 minutes, Connery-less in this Connery King Arthur movie. That's a crime. I'm sorry. No, thank you. But again, it's because you're thinking it's a King Arthur movie and it's not. It's first night. It's not First Arthur or First King. It should actually.

I was looking at the script. Why isn't it first author? Wait a minute. I agreed solely on the fact that I thought it was called first author. Have to stop evaluating scripts while I'm drunk. I think the second author here, Lancelot, has more lines than me. Second Arthur. Second build.

Second author. Perfectly. That's what I called Richard on set is second build. Oh, I know second build. doing. But yeah, so he brings him in, he shows them the famous roundtable where they have all their business meetings and he explains the idea of like, this is the high council of Camelot.

No one sits above or below anybody else. Everybody's at the same level. The king included in serving each other, we become free, he said. Ooh, that's an open chair. It's right there. This sounds like that kooky socialism. I better get out of here. I got to say

Lancelot And he doesn't get called on it So I guess Arthur is fine with it But the casual nature With which Lancelot conducts himself In the presence of King Arthur I was like man you're kind of pushing it dude You're not like the student

And he's like the hip teacher That your buddy's with This is fucking King Arthur man No fear at all right He doesn't care about fucking anything And also this is you know First Arthur We haven't heard of him yet

It's like who's this kid guy, okay. Yeah. He's like Anthony Bourdain, dude. He's like, no, fuck that. I fucking, I don't fuck with the monarchy. You eat shit. You got to live it. You got to actually, if you believe stuff like that, you have to, you got to get, even with the fucking king in front of you,

you got to be like, give him a little sass. Got to give it a little bit. You're right, Chris. He talks the talk and walks the walk. But Arthur gets the last word. He's like, oh, yes, a man that fears nothing. Loves nothing either. That's a pretty shitty life, dude. I don't know, Lancialot. Sounds like you're a

fucking loser. Have you seen my Instagram? Look at me. My life is like a dang movie. Living in the fast lane. I don't even need the numbers. It's just M because that stands for a million, brother. That's how many followers I've got, brother.

Oh, yes. Look at this. Look, here's me eating suckling pig at this restaurant. Suckling pig at another restaurant. Here's me eating some chick. Oh, no, that's also suckling pig. No, yeah, you see. It's all we got right now.

It just goes up like that. I don't have to do anything. The number just keeps on going up And I just I look at all these $200 million. Can you believe it? Can you believe it? I do I could not help of think of James Bond villains in this moment

Because when he's leaving The whole thing is like Lanselot's like Oh yeah, I just live my choices up to chance Chance takes me wherever the wind blows or whatever And he's like, all right, well how about this? When you get the fuck out of here, There's a hallway and you can either go through a door on the left or a door on the right

you better take the door on the left the door on the right's the shark room but yeah he fucking tells him the you know fuck off he's gonna hang around for a couple of days just see what's up yeah check the vibes you know what I mean see what Peter's up to you that's stable boy absolutely

totally you got a room for me you got a nice room for me a bed I can use pile of hay maybe I don't know get a second session on the book Some suckling pig. Some suckling cock. We do, by the way, we do eat the cock. The pig cock.

Oh, shuckling cock is on the menu tonight. That is, of course, our chicken dish that we love so much. Has everyone had enough shuckling cock? We'd love some more suckling cock, King Arthur. Thank you. And a suckling cock on every house. brought enough cock for everyone. This dinner table is just overflowing with delicious cock.

Well, no, we can't make any more chickens. We ate all the roosters. We kind of went cock crazy last week. Actually, I'm going to be destitute soon because I can't, I got no work anymore. My roosters are dead. You know, the problem is me and my subject, so gobbled too much cock.

Unfortunately, we can't make any more chickens. Couldn't stop ourselves. Just had to keep on doing it. Suckling the cocks. I ate more cock that night than I've eaten cock in my entire life. Lady Guinevere, I'm going to need a dowry of all the cocks in lionish. What do you mean you don't have any? We must find the cocks.

What do you mean, mallagant roasted all your cocks when he burned your village? Can you suck a bowl? can we suckle a bull possibly and maybe we'll get that going there is a scene where he does underline like listen I know I don't want you to marry me just for the political gain you need to love me and she's like

no I totally do sort of you know it's cool you're kind of cool you seem nice is something is like you know you can marry the king but I would also prefer it if you also loved the man at the same time he also says I will protect

a lioness again no matter what, don't worry about it. You know what? Take that off the table. Which also, like, yeah, he's doing the nice guy thing. You know that's not true, right? Oh, absolutely not. Otherwise, you'd be like, oh, well. Lioness will never be canceled.

Nicole Kidman is a staple of our wonderful programming here. Paramount Plus still putting that out? I know there was at least two seasons that I didn't watch. This is also where she's like, oh, remember that time you cut yourself on the hunt? And he's like, oh,

and you took your shirt sleeve and wiped the blood off with it. And then she says that shirt still has the blood stains on it to which I thought, you kept the shirt? Absolutely. I feel like that's going right in the garbage. Oh, there was an injury. We used my shirt to patch it up, throw it away. Thank you.

Come on. His blood is the man she's in love with. His blood is all over. Of course, it's erotic, I guess. I don't know. It's really weird. It's a very strange thing. You know, I wouldn't keep a shirt with it.

the loved one's blood on it, man. That's all I'm saying. I wouldn't keep a show with my own fucking blood on. Maybe in the Merlin Cup, maybe it's a magic thing. You need to have the blood around. You need something with the blood on it. Oh, you need with a Merlin magic eraser to get the stain out. Chris Tucker comes out and he tells you what the blood magic is going to be.

And I don't know, of course. In this scenario, I'm just picturing him as the Fifth Element character doing it. You have to. Yeah, exactly. So it's a Merlin that's constantly screaming is the idea. Blood, blood, blood. Blood. Super blood.

Maligan comes to town to do like a little meeting with the nights of the round. This is when we finally see all the nights of the roundtable that do nothing. That are just sitting around. And again, the costume, I like the cool thing with the weird metals they got going on. Again, to earlier point, it's far too nice looking. It looks like, again, Star Trekian, but it's pretty fucking cool. It rides that rail a little bit. The costume design is on your side.

Yes, yeah. I like the little shield on the shoulder. Can I get that? If I started wearing that, would that be a problem? Yeah, you'd probably have some trouble at the airport, I'd wait for. I'd be cool with it. You'd get some questions, I think. How many people are trying to kill you per day, do you think?

These are very sleek suits, though. They look like, I wouldn't blink, you know, if I saw a cling on in them, you know? Yes, exactly. Also, sleek is the right way, because this is, it's very slimming. Oh, you could hide. He is wearing these tunics, the whole movie. You could just tell, like, kind of. did not work out for this movie and that's totally fine.

Oh yeah. At the wedding scene, he's got a nicer dress on than the bride. It does. That's a full pop. I've been eating Scottish eggs all day and all night. Just a sausage-wrapped egg and deep fry it and I just tromp them down all morning. Malagant hates the equality of the night's round table. The strong and all that good stuff.

It basically is like, let's go have zies on lion ass and we'll call it a day. Like, you know what I mean? Split it up. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. You're going to give me the, the, the strong. Southern half without the cool stuff. No dice, Malagant.

No dice. I want the half that is cock, fool. Malagant, you're going to sell me the part of Leoness that has the cool water park in it. Malagant, you're mad. No way. Let us talk over a suckling cock. Me and you. I'll take the drumstick, you take the drumstick, and we split it.

You better down this cock with me, Malagant, and else no dice on the lioness. you. But he offers up, he tells, like, he lets Gwynnevere make this decision and she rejects it, so that's that. That's the end of that. Yeah, exactly. And so basically he's like, all right, Maligant, like, if you want to fuck around and find out,

I am down to clown and get back in the game of warfare, even though I have literally just retired no more than 72 hours ago. God damn it, man. But Arthur ultimately thinks, hey, you know, this dude doesn't

gives shit about Linus. His big deal is, because he is like the fallen angel of the Knights of the Roundtable, he wants to come back and take Camelot for himself. And King Arthur is not wrong. He's not. And then... So much for my quieter days. Great action movie lines.

Liam Cunningham, come here, you're the only, one of the only Knights of the Roundtable with any in lines. Make sure she's not kidnapped again. It's really important. Like, right now we're going to war with Malik and, you know, Just make sure she's not kidnapped one more time.

So she gets kidnapped and it's a really intricate kidnapping here where like she had told that dude Jacob like, hey, come back from Leoness if there's any news, you know, tell me a person or whatever. And they're like, oh, someone on the, someone's coming across the moat on, you know, this roboat. And he yells out like, oh, I'm here from Leoness. And she thinks immediately that it is Jacob. And she runs out herself, which seems again, Liam Cunningham, a bad security. security idea.

Also, let the messenger get out of the fucking boat and then summon the queen. And she makes it so easy for these guys to just fucking kidnap her. They have this awesome device where like the boat is tied to a pulley system and they're pulling it back across the

moat wicked fast. I thought that was pretty sweet. It's really cool. It's like a it's like this this robot becomes a speedboat because of rope technology. I brought a net and I didn't even need it. I didn't take the fucker out. All right, Liam Cunningham.

We're going to have the Knights of the Roundtable, but you're going to be at the kiddie table because you are no longer equal with us. You know what, Agravain? I'll tell you right now. My wife is kidnapped. You're being very aggravating about this whole situation. Don't you leave. No, you watch this.

This is his fault. All the other nights, you stay. You stay where you are. Aggraveen, what did you think? That's it, Mr. I'm bumping you down tonight of the square table. Oh my God.

I don't do it. That did she just quit. That's embarrassing. You see how small the square is? It's the smallest square I've ever seen. You can only fit one adult at that table. But they put her on a horse and she smartly tears her dress and leaves part of it as a sort of a clue as to what direction she's going in because

Richard Geer is ready to go. Oh, Richard Geer is on the fucking wall of this castle, just casually checking. things out, sees this all transpire conveniently, and then flings his body off into this fucking moat or whatever the fuck. Dude, this triple Lindy that he does off

the fucking tower wall here, dude. He doesn't care if he lives or dies. He'll do a triple lindy. I just don't care how deep that water is. He held under the rope a little. He was part of this boat fight a little bit, but yes, he, she still gets away from him.

And then they go to Malagans. Eke Malagans. evil fucking cave palace, which is, doesn't get enough play. It's pretty cool. It's awesome. Yeah, I really like it. It's like a nice, like, ruin from, like, Highlander to kind of a deal. But yeah, welcome to my palace, milady.

And I'm like, dude, there's no fucking sealed off wall in this thing. You live in ruins, Malaghan. If you were one of those guys that's like, I don't know if I should join, you know, Arthur's guys or Malagant, Malagant's cool, blah, blah. When he shows you this underground cave, like, oh, it's, these are the evil guys. guys. You have to know that immediately. These guys are pure evil. Understand.

Exactly. Yeah. I like Malagant's individualism pledge. But I also appreciate King Arthur's roof over my head and I won't get rained on while I sleep initiative. And he's the only Malagant's the only one who's dirty in this movie where everyone else is clean. So I think that means he's evil.

The dirt is bad. The dirt is evil. And man, they put Lady Gwynnevere in the place to forgetting, which is just a ledge on this cliffside. It's pretty cool. This rocks overseeing what I can only imagine is a bottomless pit. Yes. Like the only magic in this movie is the seemingly bottomless pit. It rocks. Seems risky. You might lose your bargaining

chip. Yeah. Exactly. What if she's a roly sleeper? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I thought the same thing. But with myself in the place of Lady Guinevere, I was like, man, if I fell asleep on that, you know I'd roll right off. Yeah, I'd be dead. I'll be honest. I don't see Malagan as like a big picture thinker. I know he wants the throne back. I know that much. But as far as everything else, not so much. Well, because you're right, because Richard Gere immediately shows up. He's like, yeah, I'm from Arthur. I got to see if the lady's okay. And he's like, all right, you can go down there with two of my most inept guards. I was like, is Liam Cunningham also working for Malagant? This is bad security initiatives over here, too.

No, they're just here to see the tapestries. That's what they're here for that stuff. Well, they caught Malagant at dinner, you know? So he's like, I want to finish my suckling cock in peace, take him down to see her. And then when he comes back for this and gives me this message, I'll be, I'll have downed that suckling cock will be down my throat. I have deep throated all of that suckling cock. Also, Malagant, you know, it's medieval times as I understand. It made me kind of curious, though, eating an intense.

entire like roasted chicken or whatever he's got there. Just with a big dagger? Yeah. Pretty cool. Because it's not a knife he's eating with. He is indeed eating with a dagger. Yeah. I could do that. That would be cool. I'm going to replace my steak knives with daggers. Yeah, dude. I think you should do it.

And I do think that Ben Cross is rightfully eating the scenery in this movie. You know what I mean? Like he's Yeah. He's a fun actor. He passed away. He actually passed away right around when Connery did. He was in, what do you call it there? What was the last one? The big one? He's in.

Bendetta. Is he not? He's Sarak, I believe he's a Bededa as well. Oh, is he? Benadetta? Not wrong. Oh, is he? Oh, wow. No, I might be wrong.

I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I believe he got Farinaed, which sucks. Oh, yes. I'm 90% sure he got for a minute. That's unsurprising. A fucking British character actor known predominantly for the stage. Chariots of Fire. Come on, baby.

Everybody loves this movie that sucks. I never saw it, actually. It's him. Who else is in Charites of Fire? Is it? John Gilgud, someone else in this movie. It's a lot of British. Big British people.

He is in a crazy movie for everyone to search out called the unholy from 1988. I got it on VHS. It's a fucking weirdo possession rip. Hal Holbrook is in it. It's like, it's basically. Oh, I've seen that. That is fucking crazy.

What is it called? The Unholy. The Unholy, it's, 1980s is a weird church in, I believe, New Orleans. and like there's weird stuff going on and he's like the new priest. It's a fucking wild Catholic trip, dude. You'll have a lot of fun with it. Ooh, I like that a lot.

I like the poster on Wikipedia. I like the fact that also starring in the movie is Ned Beatty. Hell yeah. I'll be looking at that later. I'll leave you open Wikipedia. So yeah, yeah, you know, Lance Lott goes down there. Knox no fewer than three dudes into this bottomless pit, which is awesome. It's great.

It's the, the, aye. I love a good... Yes. Well, you have so long to think about the fact that you're about to hit the bottom and die. Like, you're just so long to think about that rather than a nice quick one. But they are, you know, running underwater here because they escape into a river. And because he's like, they see a little stream and Lancelot's like, well, if the water can get out, we can get out. I was like, dubious logic, but go for it.

This place has... Maybe it is two never-ending pits. I wouldn't trust it. Exactly. I forgot. He's the villain from Live Wire. Ooh,

which is a great episode. Yes. Yeah. Previous episode. Water explosions, yes. But yeah, so they go into a river and then they ultimately are trying to not go off a waterfall, but then all of Malagans dudes descend on them. We do go off the waterfall.

A little bit of an Indiana Jones kind of move here, not too shabby. And now we're sexy and wet as well. We're sexy and wet. We're, we're, we're. we're out of harm's way. He decides to stop. She says, why are we stopped? I'm tired.

And she's like, you're never, you're never tired. Oh, no. This is when we are, I mean, this is the sexiest drinking of water scene of all times. This is crazy. I couldn't believe what I was watching, frankly. And I'll tell you what, these are from the people that made airplane and top secret. They know what they're doing here. They know that this is actually very funny.

And she's like, down on her. knees taking a fucking lancelot load here that is what's going on it's it's so highly suggestive right he's he's feeding her water or having her drink water through a series of of leaves on this tree

making it all descend into her mouth and where do we know leaves from of course what covers Adams junk and Bible you know that so whenever I see a leaf I immediately think of a cock yeah now that's why you never want us to walk in the park

with you. That's why I had to move out of New York City proper to be around more trees. Just got arrested too much for that. Now, my lady, have you ever heard of water sports? Yes. This is, it's piss play. It feels it looks like pissed play. It's pretty intense. I'd like to think that these dudes had the class to be like, ha ha, it's a cum shot joke. I don't know if it's a full on golden shower situation. She will not ask him for a kiss though at this scene and he's still kind of pissed about Like it's basically like, come away with me. You know, I'm sexy. I just peed in your mouth kind of, you know, that kind of thing.

Well, it is a great, uh, I just peed in your mouth. Let's get sexy. And right in the middle is, I just told you my traumatic story about my whole family burning the death of the church. Is that making you horny baby? My dead fucking family. You like that? Yeah.

They burn this, this town in a church twice. This is like as a common occurrence. You put everyone in the church. Real calling card. Yeah. You band him in there. vampires to burn it in a church. I love it. Well, because, you know, those

people have been annoying for a long time. And, you know, it doesn't it? I think, uh, the evil guy does that in the Patriot as well. Oh, I think you're right. I think that happens. The Mel Gibson film. Yes, indeed. The Mel Gibson.

I feel like I've been always, we'll have to do that. I always wanted us to do that. But that is a, you look up that runtime, it's insane. It is a big boy. It is a big boy. It's been a while since I've rewatched. It's a two VHS tape scenario. I'm not mistaken.

Is that right? It's huge. Two hours and 45 minutes. Yeah. Whoa. No, thank you. So maybe next summer, not this summer. A lot of Czechicario, RIPD.

But yeah, so this is my fucking family burned to death in a church. You want to get sexy now. There's this slow motion, like almost kiss. And then like Arthur's dudes show up again. Fucking Mr. Cunningham days behind the rescue mission. in here, dude. And then, like, Arthur is like,

well, I need someone who knows that it do anything. You want to be a night of the roundtable or what, man? Yeah, totally. He's offered this job while Lancelot is warming

his blue balls by the fire. And is this very funny, like, he is like with some dude who's like giving him a warm shirt or whatever and then, like, oh, right. His shirt around him in gears, like,

oh, it's fine. You can go. I don't need anything else. He's like, You sure you don't want to be part of the knights of the roundtable. Oh, your majesty. By the way, they should just, like, the knights of the round table should share everything, like he says, even the king, everyone is equal.

They should be a giant polycule. You share everyone's. That's correct. Spouses and each other. You make meals together. You make like it's a firehouse, like you chili and everything. Things you can share at a time, corn, bread, and chili. Yeah, let me thank you in my own way.

Arthur says. But Julie Ormond's like, what if he wasn't a knight of the roundtable because she doesn't want this dude around? She doesn't want to see that dick every day. It is so funny, the speech that she gives where she's like, well, actually, my lord, Lancelot is clearly a guy

that loves freedom and being on his own and adventure and devil may care attitude. So making him part of the knights of the roundtable and stuck here in Camelot would be a disservice to the way he lives. So if we want to honor him, let's get him the fuck out of here. Exactly. Door on the left, remember that.

Also should be pointed out, very important. None of the other knights of the roundtable are into this idea. They're like, who the fuck is this, boss? We didn't vet nobody. There's like a moment of like, well, he's low born. And I'm like, I would like any of that to be explored, but sure, you know. Is there a lowborn comment? No, there's like, oh, we don't know where he's from, I think is the line.

Right, yeah, because it's another, it's the redheaded dude who's like, not for nothing. but we have not done a security background check on this guy. He fights for money. Like there's a thing. There's a few little like, hey, fuck this guy. Which I don't think is a class thing. I think that's kind of an honor thing. Yeah.

What you're doing with your battle skills and whatever. Disgusting. But you know what? Fuck all of y'all. Arise, Sir Lancelot. Pretty classy nighting scene here. I did like the whole thing here. Not too bad.

There's a lot of weird, like, it's a very Catholic King Arthur. And I know that he's got, you know, the Holy Grail and all that. It's very like, we're all, we're a lot of praying in this one, I think. Right. Yeah, he starts off every business meeting with a prayer, which is weird. Which I guess if you have Merlin there, he's like,

it's like, he can't really have like that. Finally, Merlin's dead. We can start every meeting with a prayer to the Lord God like you should have. I just realized this title is bullshit. It should be seventh night. He just got sworn in as the seventh night. It's true. He is not the first night.

Bullshit. They also have to then, like, go around and do this like speech where they're like, Brother to brother, we won't screw you. Welcome to the club, even though we didn't want you to be a part of it. All right. Now, rule number one is you don't fuck another guy's girl. Remember that, everybody. Remember it.

Keep your fingers out of the queen, all right? How about kisses? Hello? Yes, this is me back here. This is the third night, Jeffer. Hi. Jeffer. Everybody fucks Jeffer's wife, dude, because Jeffers' wife hates Jeffer.

I just want a kiss. I just like it. So we cut to the wedding here, the big wedding, and the flower girl looks like she's throwing fucking potato chips around. Some real kettle cook numbers. I've had the same thought. I was like those flower petals look delicious. And someone mentioned it already.

Eric, I think you did his wedding attire here. King Arthur. It looks like something I saw fucking B. Arthur wear on the Golden Girls. Absolutely. Whatever this smock is, this blue coconut smock. Some type of Sally, Jesse Raphael, red carpet. It's very slimming, though. I'm going to keep...

Hey, Jeff, I'm going to keep the schmock. It breathes like you wouldn't believe. Oh, do you think he's free-balling under there? Definitely, definitely. Not wearing underpants to my own wedding. Also, sadly, I have a little bit of a gut going. I got to be knee-deep in the enchiladas the last year. I have to say, speaking of an elder, you know, Connery,

I think the hair's looking okay in this movie I mean it's a wig I know I understand Good looking wig Normally you we'd have We would start Dude we'd be out the gate The first three minutes of this episode

The fucking piece on Connery It's a good looking piece Because you always had a good Even the rock It's a good looking piece here Oh yeah It's a little too much hair gel For the nights of the round

It was almost like a swimmer friend's situation Oh yeah I can see what I mean My hair You got the swoop A king Arthur didn't have a swoop There was no Oh you'd use pig seam and

Oh, all right. Just like hair gel, I guess. Oh, Ross and Rachel, you'll never believe the date I went on last night. Yes, Joey, you can eat this gigantic turkey leg, I have you. Joey, you are now a friend of the round table. I know I'm playing King Arthur, and it's supposed to be old in fantasy days. But the audience needs to believe that this is a King Arthur who listens to the Verve. They need to buy that.

They need to believe that. Yes, you know, running Camelot is a bit of a bittersweet symphony every time. That's life, you know. I don't know, Phoebe. I think Lancelot and Guinevere were kissing. I don't know. Should we break up or what? They did it in the museum?

Oh, my God. And I, Arthur, take you, Marion. I mean, Guinevere. Oh, no. said the wrong name of my bride at my wedding. How embarrassing. Playing it on a lute. Yes.

I never knew life would be this way. I had no idea that life would be this way. A bunch of horns go. My job is a joke, but I'm not broke. My love life was shartily D-O-A until you came in, Guinevere. Well, you know, those New York City apartments in, friends look like Camelot. They're like, you know, chastel.

True. So it's hilarious because we're doing this big allegiance ceremony and now we're at the part where everyone is pledging allegiance to the queen. And then the real Jacob, not a fake dude working for fucking maladork.

He comes in and he's all bloodied and whatnot. He's like, hey, Malagans taking Leoness or whatever. And they roll out immediately to start defending this city. Yeah, I'm like, did they finish the ceremony, I guess so, because they start referring to as the queen, you know, so. Nobody go anywhere.

All right. All right. She's officially a queen. Okay, now we can roll out. And all right, everybody. We're about to go into this dangerous battle. Now, everybody but the main actors have to wear helmets. Just, that's the rule, okay? It's a dangerous battle, but not for the main actors. You want to

see the face. And everybody, make sure you know this. This is not the end of the movie. You would think this would be the end of the movie because it's a big battle scene, but it is not, in fact, the end of the movie. But yes, they come to find Leonis completely destroyed

and burned, and they go in and King Arthur's like, hey, set up camp right over there. And this guy's like, but your majesty, it's out in the open. And he just looks at him like, you'll do what I say, boy, you'll be 69 in with me tonight. But it leads

to a really great dupe here where it's a scene that starts with one dupe, but then the doopers get duped because here's all a Malagance dudes. Yeah, it's a double dupe, right? Because Malagance guys come in pretending to be sheep, which is very funny. I love that. And then they all like burst up like, brah and start

attacking this village. These guys were crawling on the fucking ground pretending to be sheep for probably an hour sheep's shit all over your hands. Oh, absolutely. Thick all over. Just another day in paradise, Chris. That's how it was. Wonderful. Wonderful time. The genius

military strategist, King Arthur has led them into this open area so they can just fucking descend on these clowns and start fighting them. I like the flaming arrows. Flaming arrows. My favorite kind of arrow. One on fire. I love that.

It's a badass shot, too, of all the arrows lighting up across the frame, like one of the time. I'm missing a Ralph innocent mother. I was really going for it. I really wanted that. He does have a good looking up at the sky like, oh, fuck. Here it comes. It's a big battle.

I just think that this battle and the last battle, A lot of the big ones, it's just people clanging swords kind of without consequence, it feels. It's not like Braveheart has amazing big sword battles. It's unfair to call it. But it's the same year. So it's fair. You know what I mean? Like it's just sort of like, cling, clang, cling, clang.

This may be where having the director of airplane here maybe was not your best. Yeah. Both. The best play. He might not be great about the choreography and the intensity and all that stuff. But Braveheart is very, like, gritty and realistic. And this is a romance novel. Yeah.

So that's true. That is true. I mean, yeah, it's nowhere near the complexity of the fight scenes in Braveheart. But again, it's not really supposed to be. It's also just like you can't tell these kinds of stories without having these kinds of scenes. And I will say about it, though, they're pacing and the choreography, whatever. They're at least edited competently enough. This is cut by fucking Walter merch.

Like, you can follow it at least. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess that's my beef. If it doesn't matter, that's fine, but then it takes fucking forever. And it's like, I'm just watching people clang swords. And it's just not that super exciting for me. But I think the thing that we were, I think, rightfully making fun of, tells you everything you need to know about what kind of fight scene it is.

Richard Geer is too handsome to fight with a helmet up. Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? He just very importantly takes it off. That hair is just in the wind, you know, let that main go. He gets his power from his hair. Hmm. He earns respect of the knights of the roundtable here

Because he beats up all these dudes Right Oh, they're like, sir, Lancelot Here's your swordback, sir, Lanselot Finally respect him And that's the other guy who's, he's like If Liam Cunningham is like number one And then there's like redheaded guy

Who's pissed off about Lancelot Not getting a security check This third guy, the Sir Lanselot guy He kind of looks like Wedg Antilles like the actor sure but then the next day it's uh oh it's fucking

Richard Geer's worst nightmare the whole town's been boarded up in a church how do you like that? Oh no oh yes he has a total he has a no

like a total fucking like flashback moment freak out right here again another one here we go because I watched it I don't need to see the little dumb boy

go no one more time maybe that wig cost $10,000 and they're like we have to have it in at least two scenes. But they liberate the church there and they're unburnt and they walk outside and Richard Gere some

disgusting shit boy walks up to him and it's just like, may I go home now? That's what I ask too. You know what? You get your coat on at this part of the movie? You know what? That's, you know, he's kind of talking to himself there if you think about it. If you think he could finally go home.

And that's why he drops his armor off of his body and starts crying in this meadow. Yes. Yeah. That's a good Richard. Richard Gere could get you that. He brings it, dude. He absolutely brings it in that shot.

Yeah, totally. I should say also, Oswald, the John Gilgud character, has lived through it. So Gwynnevere is super thrilled that her uncle, like her advisor or whatever is totally fine, which is nice.

It's too bad, though, you know, because his direct descendant will be Lee Harvey Oswald, I think. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Could have ended the bloodline here. Fuck, dude. Change the course of history forever.

Bloodline goes all the way. from King Arthur's Camelot through Havana then to New Orleans brief stop in the Soviet Union and then to Daly Plaza in Dallas, Texas, yeah. I lived life. I lived life for that boatline.

But here we go. Here it is. The cock-holding herd across the middle ages, fellas. Because he's doing the, well, I'm going now and she's like, but why? Everybody loves you. It's like, well, you know, I just can't live, you know, he's now understood the joy of

being a knight. And now that he has the honor, you see. Yeah, right. He can't be around, you know, trying to ban. Because he literally only joins the roundtable to be, he like goes up and just like, we're going to fuck soon. And she's like, get out of here. This is my job. You know what I mean? You'll never be free of me. Isn't it's romantic? It's amazing that this movie is about a dude committing himself to a life of serving the knights of the round table purely for a potential pussy opportunity. I mean, it is really something. You know, he's looking at the situation.

Speaking of Steve's point earlier, about the Anna Nicole Smith with the old dying billionaire. That's what this is. Yep. Just hang on, dude, a few years, you know, tops. Exactly. Oh, we fucking a rookery somewhere occasionally, and then eventually went in the king's bed.

True. Is it a rookery, like, where they make all the pieces for a chessboard or something? I believe so. That's right. Rookery's got to do with the birds there, you know? Oh, I see. I know. The bird's,

The birds? The birds? So the cocks are in there? Yeah, that's what the cocks are. The cocks go and the rooks. But he's like, listen, I'm going to get out of your hair. He's doing one of those things. I'll leave you to it.

Yeah, all right. I got the car all warmed up. Oh, wait, I wanted a soda. Hold on one second. I got to run back in here real quick. So, yeah, we'll just, we'll see each other never again because it's the middle ages and stuff. You know, no way to write or nothing. I'll just be

what, hang on. What? Oh, I thought someone needed me for something. No, but I guess I got to get out of here. No, you know what? I should go out and check because that could have been somebody. You never know. But they may, it's a goodbye kiss that turns into a goodbye makeo.

I owe you a kiss. I'm asking you, she said. It's nuts. This is also when he starts kissing like five feet before he meets her. He's really warming up that tongue. He kisses her with the pent-up sexual rage of a thousand wasted boners. Like all the nights that I've fucking got blue balls thinking about this princess. Well, it's the old, my mouth is going to be doing this.

And if you're still there, it's your fault. Exactly. And then fucking Connery walks in his, why? This dude. He looks, he goes, oh, no. And then it's him in church. screaming in church is so funny. I love that.

As stupid as the fucking Darth Vader. No. It's like really stupid. It is in that realm of like what is happening here. Because it's funny when I was, because I was really enjoying the word malagant. Sure. Malagant, not malagant.

And I was kind of hoping for one like Khan-esque malagant. Oh, definitely. But this is so much better. It's so much stupider. It's so awesome. And I love the slow motion shot of Sean Cuckery right here where he like turns away in slow-mo. The look on his face is like,

I have to take the biggest shite of my life. Like this year, like walking down the sidewalk and you're like, gout, oh, and you just really got to find a toilet. That's what he looked like right here. Oh, no, oh, no, I'm turned on. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no.

There is a great, I will say, the rage on his face where they do a dissolve into like an overhead shot of the round table and Sean Connery's eye turns into like the eternal flame of the table

and that's how fucking pissed off he is but then he just goes to Giulio Armand and like he's such a you know he's not so pissed he's not like he's just like you know it's a real do you love him scenario and also the first question thank you yes exactly

have you given yourself to him Question number one? Absolutely. Gripping his sword. Almost breaks. Should just tell me, hand stuff or what? Not even. Not even that.

It was just kissing. It was just kissies. None of the cock suckling or anything like that. I know you were really into eating that all last week. I don't know why. But yeah, nothing with the cock. He gets pissed off right here. It's a lot of like, oh, you love me, do you?

Then why don't you ever look at me the way I saw you're looking at him? during your smooching. That's like 30 years. Got a point there. You've made a cuckold off me. I'm wearing the cuckold's horrid, you understand. It's the Middle Ages. My wife is back there with an ash and a cock right now.

I'm going to blow my brains out on New Year's Eve. I guess the way you would do that is you'd take the sword and just go right, right, right? Right after you just give a very insane smile to the camera and do it. The heartbreaking Connery line here, though, I dreamed a dream of you. It was a sweet dream while it lasted. Oh, man, he brings it. It's kind of great because she's like, and he's like, no, no, no, everything's fine, it's fine. You're going to be sentenced to death.

Don't worry about that. He just kind of glosses those. Oh, you broke, listen, it's out of my head. You broke the law, and that's just going to happen. I don't know. I'm a forgiving. I'm not like, I don't even care really, but honestly, oops, that's. the law. It's just insane to be like, everyone get to the town square. I'm going to publicly

admit this stuff. Why? That's, it's a kiss. Just let it go. Things happen. You know what I mean? Totally. He wasn't like engaged in intercourse with her or something. Don't tell me you're not doing anything to some of these dairy girls or the fucking Peter the stable boy there. Oh yeah. You're getting milked. You know you're getting milked. Don't tell me differently. But maybe this is a super kink thing for him. It's like, oh, and then the whole town will have to look at me. And they'll know that that sexy guy was shacksing around with my sexy

girl. But they'll know I'm a little piggy. They'll know it. Oh, everyone now knows. So maybe he was going to lead them up to the point of execution and then call it off and then like have a hot three way or something. But is it I mean, it is a lot of risks. So I guess that would be a bigger turn on. So yeah,

I guess I see that. And then, once I'm fully and completely publicly humiliated. Only then are my loins allowed to explode. And then I'm going to need that stable boy to clean me up a bit.

He's going to have to get a big old wet towel. And it's just this thing. I think even like Liam Cunningham's like, you're going to tell everybody's like, gosh, everyone must know. And it's like, right. Because all the nights, like, he has a meeting and he's like, all right, nights at the round table.

We're going to have a humiliating public trial about my fiance's infidelity or whatever, and they're all like, hey man, how about this? Behind closed doors? No, I must be publicly humiliated. I want this to be very clear. You are to look directly at me

while all of this is happening. Eyes on me. And I want everyone there. I want no single guard posted in front of the castle. Yep. No. Because that's the thing too, is he's like, it's the law.

It's out of my hands, man. It's the law. What? It's got to happen. I didn't write it. Aren't you the king? Yes. Yeah, so.

I'm not being a bitter weirdo. It's the law. I promise you that. But yeah, so they have the public trial in gear is just like, hey, my words are only for the king, and he gets closer and he's like, hey, man, I'm telling you, it was just a kiss. We didn't do nothing.

I didn't dittle her or nothing like that. She's innocent of all this. You know, if you want to take my life or whatever, if my death serves Camelot, take it, do what you like with my fucking gross corpse if it means it'll serve your precious Camelot. And it's like, well, we don't have to answer any of these questions because here goes Malagat. But he, it's interesting because I think he's about to rule in favor of death because he says, may God forgive me. Oh, yeah, dude. And then Malagant's dudes come over the wall and it totally gets broken up.

But I was like, oh, you were going to have that dude's fucking head cut off. Definitely. And she was like going to be putting a tower or some shit. I do kind of like the, I always love a battle siege technology. I like the thing that keeps the drawbridge from coming down. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty sweet. Totally. These little, you know, they were thinking on their feet as medieval people sometimes, you know. And here comes Malagant. And he's like, listen, everybody, I got, I got just surrounded. There's no way in or out. He turns into Zad a little bit, kneel before me.

Kind of a deal. he also turns into Judge Dred for a second because it's the second time in the movie that he says, I am the law. Yes. Pretty great. It looks like Arthur is going to relent

and give the kingdom over. He starts to almost kneel in front of him. I am Arthur of Camelot and I command you all to also FIRE! Yes. Sike! And then he gets three in the chest real quick.

Dude, yeah, they just come out of these little fucking bow pistols. Pugh! Let's note that Oswald watched this happen and now... Interesting. Give some type of genetic memory, genetic idea. Yes, dude. Bloodline's first experience with political assassination.

Take out the next Camelot. Tough stuff. So, you know, I do like... So it's like, if you're going to fight for your, you know, your Camelot, fight for it now. And it's like villagers getting involved with some of these people taking down motherfuckers. is pretty nice. Ralph, Innocent

kind of gets like Dawn of the dead in here. All these people are just like yeah, dude is awesome. If the people of Camelot

were hungry or maybe they would have eaten him. Oh, that would be crazy. Yeah, they were too full of dog and cock

so they didn't get a chance to. But they start burning everything down as well, which is still a burning precious Camelot, unfortunately. Oh, no.

And Malagant definitely gets a fucking kick to the nuts of Lancelot during their fight, which is pretty sweet. This fight's pretty fun. It is fun.

And Malagant's got this sword. Like, it's, it's serrated at the bottom. So if he needs to use it as a steak knife, if he can, which is a good idea. I was looking at this thing. I was like, this is something out of fucking Conan the Barbarian. This sword. Well, look, there's, I mean, in these days,

you need a loaf of bread to be sliced. Well, you need that stuff around. It's just, you're going from town to town. You do want that serrated blade. Yeah. It's a fun. Apparently, this is CGI. like the swords were CGI to make them go so fast kind of a thing.

Oh, really? I had read that on IMDB, so I was looking for it when it happened. And either it's really good CGI or that's wrong. That's also possible, too. Yeah, because I was like, this looks too. Just judging on like the CGI, like composite shots we've seen in this movie, I was like, there's no way sword technology looked that good. Maybe a little like cleanup or something, but like they didn't look,

I guess I'll just say they didn't look overly artificial. No, they didn't. Also, because this is. is Jerry Goldsmith doing the score. We have awesome fucking Latin singing all over the place. Maybe that's why I thought the holodeck was going on because Jerry Goldsmith was involved. You know what I mean?

It just felt very, yeah, big time. Apparently he wrote this score in like a week or something like that. Like they had somebody else and the dude was like that's not enough time for me to, you know, make 90 minutes of music or whatever. So they were like, all right, fine. Goldsmith comes in, bangs this out. I had to say,

I'm a huge Jerry Goldsmith fan. I've never seen this movie before. Another Goldsmith banger, man. Pretty good. But so, you know, the fight happens here. We ultimately, Malagant gets killed. I do like Malagant falling dead into the king's throne,

which is a nice little, you'll never get that, motherfucker. Now, let me ask you guys this. Because I know there's also like a three-hour cut of this movie somewhere. What? What is there? One additional scene? Is that that? All right. I know you guys don't like it. It's fine. But when Maligant, when Maligant

dies right here. Did you guys notice like his head kind of goes down and then turns black and white? Yes, right? It changes color. Yeah. What? Did they try to go for some like CGI like the It's weird. Last second decapitation and then they cut it? Or it's like the

All the blood draining out of his face Like he's pale and ghostly now. Is that the other? Yeah, it was very strange. All right, I'm glad it wasn't like my TV or something. No, no, no, no, no. His head totally turns. He looks like a fucking borg. It looks like a fucking borg. It looks like The skin tone of a borg. It's weird.

It looks like Carlito's way when they go back to black and white. Like, it's... Oh, yeah. I was like, what is going on here? Very strange move. Yeah, I tried looking into it a little bit, but... Should have told you, Malagant, I bought that chair in Shin shitty. Oh, dude, yeah.

Hey, uh, hey, uh, sir, Sean, what did you go see at the movies this weekend? I went and saw Shin shitty. And it wasn't shitty. Oh, Bruce Winner. and shin-shitty is fantastic. Rosario Dawson and Shin-Shitty. I don't know what movie he was talking about. Some about shins.

I don't know. Maybe it was like some sports movie and some guy gets hurt. My favorite segment was that yellow bastard. I loved this hilarious, tiny cork. Can you imagine someone having a cork in that small? Shin shitty. And for it to be yellow, too, that's just the, that's the cherry on top.

It's small and it's yellow. Speaking of cool colors, I liked when Clive Owen sneakers were red in the film, Shenzhetty. So Arthur is laying, dying, and here comes Lancelot. Where's my sword? Hey, sexual rival who cuckolded me. I'm going to give you Excalibur, dude. Yeah. Where's Lancelot?

I can smell her on you, you son of a bitch. We do get a magical shimmer of Excalibur. That is nuts. It's right around here. I think it's right after. Because he, Gear doesn't have Excalibur. Yes.

All seems lost in the fight. And then he sees it and it goes, wow, and he grabs it. Then he wins the day, kind of a deal. Totally. And I think that's because, like,

we're just straight up not using the E word in this movie for whatever reason. Like, it's just Arthur's sword that we all know. But yeah, there's no, oh, here do you go, Lanchalot. I pulled this out of a stone once or some heart. The lady in the lake and what have you.

We're not doing that. Lancelot, I have to confess to you. Don't tell anyone, but I lied about it all. There was no lady of the lake. It's so stupid. There was no sword and a stone. There was no wizard. No, it's just a metal smith I know.

That's it. And it's a weird, like, my truest, my first night. And everybody, all the other dudes are like, Hey, I didn't fuck your wife And I've known you for 30 years And like, remember those wars we all had And like, yeah, but your security detail

Was fucking terrible And we were invaded four times on your watch You were just about to kill this guy Come on, I was on the Cuban flotilla Won't you let me on at least? Come on But Arthur dies looking out a window Very weird movies

Where Connery eats shit It doesn't happen a ton so it's always kind of weird but yeah it's a classy little death here and even classier this Viking funeral that he gets at the end here Love it beautiful And it's you gotta feel

Because they put him out in the water And they've got all the fucking hay and shit They're ready to do it There's always the classy thing with the one guy With the flaming arrow Even though he's sad for Arthur's death He's in his brain is like fucking nailed it You have to be like you have to

Because that's your job dude I mean that is the most stressful job Oh absolutely Of a fucking evil funeral. Like, you know, forget the catering afterwards. Barry whiffed. Oh, yeah. You fucking whiffed, asshole. How long

are we going to have to fucking stay here until you light him on fire? Just cut to a sudden close-up of him getting hit right between the eyes with his arrow. Oh my God. And it just destroys his skulls. And somehow that makes it so, like, it doesn't catch on fire. Like, it's not near any of the hay. It's just a fire.

Guess what? The next archer, the next archer is none other than Robin the hood and then he splits that arrow with his flaming arrow. And we get a double brain death for King Arthur. Yeah, but still really only the beard is on fire. No, hey. You need the

hay. It's just so stressful, man, but yeah, this dude nails it Primo end of the Viking funeral. Everybody holds up their swords and we got Lance Alon is like holding Excalibur up to face the lake. Kind of nice. And I'll tell you what, I appreciate we just end this

movie. There's no coda of them like. married with kids years later or here's the next adventure or any of that donkey shit just roll the credits no end on a high note smart move burning a corpse on a lake oh yeah that's about as high as note you can end on as far as i'm concerned but that is going to do it uh for first night we'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts and possible recommendations we'll start with mr chris cabin it is the longest movie ever made it takes forever yeah i mean like it is not the worst thing i've ever seen for sure. It's competent enough. Sean Connery's in it. That's nice. Richard Gears in it. That's also nice. Junior Mon's in it. That's also very nice. I even like Liam Cunningham. But this movie is so fucking boring. It takes so fucking long to get anything done. And I get the idea that it's supposed to be more of a romance. I didn't feel very romantic. I understand that that's what they're trying to put forward. It's very heavy duty. But I just, none of it worked for me. Any way you slice it. It's just big no for me.

Mr. Siska. Chris, when you're a little older, you might understand the romance stuff. Sure. One day. One day I'll get there. It's the three months of the year that Eric is old than Christy. Yes, of course. So, okay, so it's a light recommend for me.

I do think it's too long and a little too long-winded, but I still had fun with it. I had fun with it back in the 90s, but I always did think it was too clean. It's by no means perfect, but I had a good enough time revisiting it today. but by the way, big recommend for John Borman's Excalibur. If you like this, everyone get on the Excalibur train if you haven't.

You know who's in that? Patrick Stewart. Oh, yeah. I always want to get to it. Yeah, Steve, how are you feeling about this? I was going to leading into what I was going to say. I don't know what's like a good King Arthur movie. I guess that's Scaliber.

There you go. Yeah, because honestly, honestly, the Clive Owen it was King Arthur. Kira Knightley That's good? Not bad It's not amazing I don't think it's like revered cinema

But like as Arthurian Entertainment goes like it's It's pretty fun Good fight. Really good fight in that movie The ice fight is really good It's not an Arthur, it's not a King Arthur centric movie But the Green Knight is an Arthurian tale Fucking rules

Rules obviously what a... Connery played the Green Knight in some other movie Yeah the trivia link to it because I think another one of the actors in this movie was also in it, possibly Ben Cross or maybe John Gilgud. I'll try to look it up. But yeah, I agree with Chris. I mean, it's just not for me. I mean, I can see why people like this movie or like it enough.

It's just, it took forever. And I just, I just don't think that the romance is very well served. And I think the action is shoehorned in and neither of them work personally. I think Prince of Thieves is a much better movie in this mold. So there you go. Yeah, I do think Prince of These is a better movie. movie. But I like this. I was pretty pleasantly surprised.

I didn't feel as much of a drag as others. But yeah, it does. You're kind of like, all right, come on. You started showing me some battles. We can't slow down that much. I know it can't be like battle after battle after battle, but like there is too much downtime in this movie for sure.

Would have been nice if they had a little more money. Maybe if Mr. Connery didn't take so much scratch. We could have got dirtier and a little more realistic looking and whatever. But, you know, It's like a light entertainment. I think you can totally do worse. I've definitely watched worst fucking sword movies.

That's for sure. For sure. But that is going to do it for this episode. As always, if you want more We Hate Movies, check out our Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies, where you can get episodes just like this very We Hate Movies Edition completely ad free. That is right.

Zero ads on this. And we got a bunch of bonus shows on there. If you're unfamiliar, if you're coming to us for the first time, because you're a big Arthirian legend head. Just last week, we released an episode of our side show We Love Movies on Star Wars Day on May the 4th, all about episode 7, The Force Awakens. That was a hell of a lot of fun.

We got a Mel Road 210 coming out, Chris Cabin. If you were listening to this on the day, it comes out, which is Tuesday the 12th. On Thursday the 14th, we're back in Southern California. We are back. Brenda is back in town. You know, yay or nay on that one, depending on who you are.

Melro 210, you know, we are going forward with the Amanda Cancer saga. It's a bit of a drag. And yes, I missed the baby kidnapping a little bit. But, you know, it's still hot and heavy. Stuff is still going on. It was really funny episode. Mr. Siskin next week, we are dropping a very cool gleepe glossary. Yes, we're going to be talking about Django Fett finally.

Oh, and by the way, on our top tier scaredy cats, we have a video podcast out right now on the Pope's Exorcist. That's right I forget that guy But the Star Wars fun continues of course Because also animation damnation next week Steve we're dropping something cool We are dropping the great Or whatever

Star Wars shadow lord Darth mall Or however you There's like three colons on an M dash In that title it's complicated It's bad It's the Darth Mall standalone cartoon series From the great Dave Faloni

The not great Dave Faluny So they're And we have a lot of fun with that one. That is rocking and rolling. And of course, the week after that, we will have the Nexus out where we are talking more Star Trek for you. But next week also, very cool bookending is going on next week. Folks on our Patreon, we are bringing back too old for the shit. Next week is going to be bookended a Monday and a Friday with too old for this shit.

The Monday we are recapping Daredevil Born Again season two. Just watch that finale. Howl of a lot to talk about. hell of a season. Steve and I are going to be doing that. And then Friday, cast TBD, but at least me and Steve

will be on hand too old for this shit. Once again, talking about this Punisher, final kill, last kill, speaking of bad titles. I think I'm going to try to join you guys for that one.

Me too. As a Punisher expert, I feel like I should. He's got a beard for a while. I was nervous. I saw the trailer today before the Daredevil finale. He does wear the costume

because he's not wearing that fucking costume. He's just walking around in a jacket. I'm going to go with Fuck are we doing. What's going on here? Just a little bit.

What's happening? Yeah. And I think also like it's only, if IMDB is to be believed it's only like an hour long. So it's not like a big movie. That's good. Commitment. It's certainly not a first night situation. But that is next week, a Monday and Friday situation.

But also next week, as always, here on We Hate Movies, the show rolls on. Steve, next Tuesday, we're getting a little spooky scary. We're going to shin shitty. No, we're not. We are going to. talk about a sequel. I've never seen this one yet. It's a urban legend's final cut, which is sequel to previous episode, Urban Legends. I don't believe Robert England shows up in this guy. We'll find out. No, you replace him with, oh, man. There's a fellow that plays a college professor. It is basically stream to, yes, Hart Bochner. Yes, Hart Bochner. Yes. You got Hart Bochner as a college professor. It is a movie all about film school kids, making

film school movies and someone's killing them on their film school movie sets. We'll find out if it's an I got it by the way, I guess. I'm going to scream too. I've been going back and forth and I think I may have to leave my answer for the recording because I don't know just yet. But I will just say I don't hate Urban Legends Final Cut, I guess. It's kind of fun.

Yeah, yeah. So we'll see next week. The Return of Loretta Devine and more on Urban Legends Final Cut. Until then, I've been Andrew Jupin. Stephen's say that. Eric's sister. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.