We Hate Movies - S16 Ep874: Battleship (2012, with Brian Salisbury)

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

“Two hours and twelve minutes? You sunk my afternoon!” - AndrewOn this week’s episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza is on a one-way train to Stupid City as we welcome in Junkfood Cinema���s Brian Salisbury to help us try to make sense of the abhorrent board game adaptation, Battleship! Why is it a full thirty minutes before you’re showing us aliens? Did the Halo creators have a suit with these mercenary outfits? Did the production have a dialect coach on set at all? Why did they decide to literally box Liam Neeson out of the movie? Should they really have used non-actors as much as they did? And who in the world thought this was gonna work as a movie? PLUS: Extended talk about various Taco Bell menus!Battleship stars Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Tadanobu Asano, Hamish Linklater, Peter MacNicol, John Tui, Jesse Plemons, Greogry D. Garson, Jerry Ferrara, Rami Malek, and Liam Neeson as Admiral Shane; directed by Peter Berg.Come hang out in Vegas with us this summer as we do a three-night stand at ST:LV to celebrate 60 years of Star Trek and 10 years of The Nexus! We’ll be at the convention Thursday, Friday and Saturday night doing three Nexus shows on Wrath of Kahn, Generations, and First Contact! Best part is, you don’t need to have a convention pass to attend, each show is ticketed separately. Click through to snag your tix now!Be sure to visit the WHM Merch shop over on Dashery and check out all the latest show-related designs you can slap on t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, stickers, whatever! Make your friends jealous by flaunting some WHM merch today! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hey, y'all, before we get to today's episode on what is truly one of Hollywood's worst ideas, the battleship film, just wanted to pop on two quick reminders. One, yes, join us in the desert. This August, we will be at STLV, the 6th, 7th, and 8th, talking about three of our favorite Star Trek films. Wrath of Con, Generations and First Contact tickets available on our website, WHMpodcast.com. You do not need convention passes to attend. It's all separately ticketed, so come to Vegas, have some drinks, play some tables, make some questionable decisions

and then come laugh it all off with us at STLV for those three nights again August 6th, 7th, and 8th at the DeForest Kelly Theater at the Rio Resort. It's going to be a lot of fun. And also, big reminder, the end of this month, we're talking July the 30th. Be sure you are signed up for the Craventier of our Patreon

when we drop the next episode of our modern horror recap show, Skerty Cats, and as voted by the patrons who watch that show on the Craventier level, Yes, we are talking just in time for the new one, Evil Dead Rise. We're talking some high-rise horrors, some Deadites, some chainsaw gore. It's going to be a lot of fun. So sign up for that on patreon.com slash we-hae movies.

All right, that's it for me. Let's get into it. Yeah, it's a board game that was kind of boring, so let's jam some aliens into it and technically try to make a movie out of it. We're talking battleship, enjoy. From hell's heart, I stab it. On this episode, we're talking about a movie that hits every mark on the bad idea checklist. We're talking battleship. I'm Andrew Jopin.

Steven Sadak. Battle Cisca. Scrabble. Brian chicken burrito Salisbury. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the fine podcast, as always. If you're tuning into We Hate Movies for the first time, this is a movie comedy show where we take a film good better or otherwise and kind of kick it around for a little bit.

Yes, this week, we are talking battleship from 2012, directed by Peter Berg, and to help us talk about this one. That's right, you heard him up at the top. Let's welcome in Junk Food Cinema's Brian Salisbury. Hey, man. Hey, thank you for lowering the expectations of this show just enough to allow someone like me to be a guest. I really appreciate that. No way, man.

We sort of have been on like parallel paths for a while here with us in Junk Food Cinema. I've been on the show a bunch. I like going over there. You guys are great. but yes, the force field dome has come down and you've walked through it. I'm finally not in the playpin of the movie any longer.

The playpen. Brian, before we get going and just in case anyone fucking tunes out, because we're talking about battleship this week, tell our listeners all about junk food cinema, man. I kind of think of us as the evil twin of we hate movies. We're like we

love movies but also clearly hate ourselves. Because we lovingly cover movies that are and I don't like using the term guilty pleasure because guilt requires shame and we were blissfully born without that. But they're lacking in nutritional value. That's why we

end every episode by pairing the movie with a junk food item that complements the viewing experience and yeah. Awesome. So would you say I guess this movie right here would be a chicken burrito, right? It would be a chicken burrito stuffed with some sort

of alien excrement. I'm not entirely sure. It would actually have to be what is the McGuffin of the beginning part of this movie, which is a gas station chicken burrito that is microwavable in the plastic. That's exactly what this movie is. That has fallen on the road and reheated by a tasing. Yeah, not one of the good ones at Buckees because I'm in Texas. Like a Stuckies chicken burrito, you know.

Not even like that cool new Taco Bell stuff where it's like, ooh, we're like late night now or whatever. Oh, the canteena menu? You're talking about the canteen menu? You're talking about the canteen. Exactly. The like we're a night club, but we're actually just still Taco Bell. Oh, that shit. Oh, no, no, no, sorry.

You're talking about the Lux boxes? Oh, I guess so. I had no idea. I haven't forgiven them for taking breakfast off the menu. They had a really decent breakfast, and now that's just all gone. And also, I love that I've somehow managed to divert this whole show into it as deep dive into the Taco Bell menu. Doesn't take much. We're talking battleship.

We don't want to talk about battleships. Let's talk more about this Taco Bell canteen. Now, you can get laid there? Is that right? I mean, I'm sure someone has been laid in a Taco Bell canteen, but that's not the purpose of the dining establishment. The other wretched hive of scum and villainy, yes, the Taco Bell canina. The canteena was what they started putting on certain Taco Bells when they would serve you like boozy slushies or like some coronies and shit. Okay.

And then I think now there's just a canteena menu, which is basically like the same shit, but just everything is chicken. that's also they started like putting in things they should have put in like years they they now finally they have chicken nuggets like after fucking a fast food place has chicken i figured they would have had that since the beginning but no just recently i'll tell you what i've had them and like it just feels weird because like i'm eating them and they're not they're not bad but like then i also got like a fucking uh you know a little thing of nachos and a few burritos maybe a cheesy gordita crunch but i just ate chicken chicken and nuggets? Like, it's weird. By the way, everything is chicken is the name of my Patreon show where I try to convince people to turn to cannibalism. Oh, excellent. Don't take much.

This is one of those times when I usually rent from either Amazon Prime or Apple to watch these movies. Word from Amazon last night. And I start writing out. Wait, I'm sorry, you rented it? You paid for it? Oh, no. But I had to find it.

I didn't rent it. It's streaming on Prime. Okay. I had to search for it. So I was searching for it. I go on the search function. And I start writing the word battle. And once I start writing the word battle, they're like, ooh, do you want to watch one battle

after another? And I'm like, no. Yes, I do, but not tonight. It's like, ooh, would you maybe like to watch Battlestar Galactica? And I'm like, that sounds like a fucking great time. And then it's like, possibly would you be interested? Oh, battleship. Gotcha.

Battleship Potemkin. That's what you're looking for. Like, no, no, no. I'm looking for battleship based on the board game from 2012. That's what I'm looking for. How about Battle of the Sexes? I'm right that maybe. That was an okay movie, but not what Steve was looking for.

I think, Steve, if you cut to the inner workings of the Amazon Prime system, there was some little guy in there that was like, holy shit, this guy wants to watch Battleship from 2012. We kept trying to assume that he wanted to watch something else with Battle in the... No, he watched the fucking 20. Yeah, Liam Neeson, Rihanna, that one. He wants it. And then he had to call a bunch of old veterans to help load the movie into the canister for you to watch it.

It was very nice of them to do that. Right when you press play on the Amazon, they do say thank you for your service because that's the only people they think are watching this movie. I imagine. I feel like you could describe the entire mid-aughts and the IP obsession and the shitty CG as one battleship after another. It is. Yeah. No, that's completely fair, man. Oh, guys, I'm being handed some new information here.

Oh my God. In 2005, scientists discovered a distant planet believed to have a climate nearly identical to Earth. In 2006, NASA built a transmission device five times more powerful than before it. This is wild. So 2005, they discovered this Earth-like planet in the G system or whatever.

That's very funny. The G spot. And then just a year later, NASA finished construction on this massive satellite thing. You got to bump. That's at least, that's got to be 2000. and nine five times more powerful and began and a program

to contact the planet began it was known as the Beacon Project dude that was all that was when you moved Eric that was the yes it's all very important to what we're about to watch this is fairly informs it all I'm just like what why does this matter like you really don't need it right if you toss

this I would understand what the fuck's happening the lizard fucking people are bombing us just do independents say you have SETI or whatever it's called and you're you get the rumbles and you're like, oh, here we go. Battleship's out. Oh, this movie wants to be

Independence Day so bad and it's not even Arbor Day. It fucking sucks. Oh, dude. I like that. I hope it was off the cuff because that also could have been a written on the toilet remark. Either way, it's very funny.

I'll never tell. Because we get what this guy who, I think he's from Breaking Bad. Oh, yes. He was one half of gray matter or one third of gray matter. And he's also, oh, fuck, where else?

that guy is, oh, I had another thing of his, but now it doesn't matter. And he's explaining to the movie, again, which you just talked about. Maybe for the illiterate people in the audience, like, I will say what you just were supposed to read. So you don't need the scroll at all? No. And we found a Goldilocks planet, you understand, because it's just right. Dude, and this, yeah, this is for the really stupid fuckers.

They were like, all right, well, the text explains it. Oh, but what about the people definitely coming to Battleship that fucking can't read a guy? damn word. Better have this Goldilocks analogy put in. Censor all babies. Here you go. Goldilocks. You know what that is, right, babies? Hamish Link Ladder, the great Hamish Link Ladder, really love that actor.

I'm slum in it here. Clearly, either it is the reshoot or like, he just doesn't have a beard in this team, but he's a beard later. It's kind of weird. And he just goes to nobody, to the audience. He's like, if this is a bad idea, if this goes through, it'll be like Columbus and the Indians, but this time

we're the Indians. And then he says, that later in the movie? Like, you know, when you do a joke and everyone's laughing and you think nobody heard it, but nobody cared that you try it again? That's what that is. Yeah. It's, you know, I'm doing a callback to the line I had before. And I realized right away why these gleep-glops are coming to Earth and they want to fuck us up in this battleship-esque fashion is because right here, when Hamish is fucking explaining everything, he's like, so what the satellite does, because we want to contact this planet so, desperately for whatever reason.

It sends a call out every 30 minutes. That's why they're coming here because we won't fucking leave the phone alone. We keep calling every half hour like a sad boyfriend. Like an interstellar amber alert that you can't turn off. Yes. It keeps ringing. I'm going to go over there.

That's it. I'm going over there. Gerald, get back in bed. No, no, I'm going over there. It's really about the benefits of isolationism. It's like stop trying to contact. other planets and you'll be fine. Like, just leave everybody alone. Don't search for meaning or life in the universe and just you'll be fine. Don't answer the phone. It's just Earth again. Don't answer the phone. It could be my mother. You know she's been ill.

It would be funny if the aliens came here and eventually they're just like, you don't have to do this. Bother your own shit. You don't have to worry about what we're doing. We are fine. Handle your own shit first. So we go to Hawaii, Oahu specifically, I believe, and this is where we meet the Hopper brothers, Alex and Stone. Are you kidding me? And now, Steve, you had texted us

earlier about this. Alex Scarsgaard does not have his accent down at all in this. No, he needs to go to Axeat school after us. I guess he must have been doing true blood around here. But for whatever reason, I don't know, I don't even remember his character in True Blood, but I know he's on a lot. But this American accent is not it. Well, that's what was kind of great about his character on True Blood was, you know, you're

a fucking ancient vampire, you've seen it all, you've been around for centuries, he's lived all over the world, he kind of just sounds like his natural voice speaking English. Nordic reads Dracula, yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. So it kind of doesn't matter

as much, but yeah, you turn this on and he's supposed to be this American Navy officer. and you're like absolutely not. I just, I didn't believe it from the beginning because I was already like, well, they're not brothers. Will you look at these two people?

Would you please just for a second? Use your brain for five minutes and look. This is clearly a different fathers or different mothers, one or the other. Absolutely. This just does not work. So I was like, oh yeah, he could be speaking fucking Spanish for all I care.

And I was just like, yeah, okay, that makes sense. But the funniest thing is, as bad as that is, Taylor Kitch, his round, beautiful Canadian accent is also just there throughout this whole thing. So it's like neither of these dudes are believable as American military. This is a movie about the American Navy being led by an Irishman and then the captain of the ship is a Swede and his brother is Canadian. And it's just like, it's a food court of a movie and I appreciate that. Well, it's weird because that's a really good point.

all of the American actors, it seems, are just actual veterans and non-actors. So, like, it's kind of a bummer in that way. Like, you know you can get Americans to act as well, right? That is possible. Well, you're forgetting about Peter McNeil's five seconds in this movie. Oh, that's true. And Rihanna as well, I should say. Of course, yeah.

Well, that's a non-actor, actually. You can put that down as non-professional. That's good, yeah. Well, she was born in Barbados, right? She's Bahamanian, if I remember correct. Okay, so stricken from the record in two regards. Which is, by the way, a flavor of Mountain Dew you can get at Taco Bell. Oh, nice.

We're just bringing it back. Yeah, I think, like, you got Brooklyn Decker. She was born in Ohio, so there's one. Man, 2012 really was a kitsy summer. Like, that guy, we thought he was going to blow up massively. Like, Battleship, John Carter of Mars and Savages, I think all came out the same summer. and then he just disappeared like a fart in the wind. It's crazy.

It was tank after tanker. And the weird thing is it's not his fault. He's not bad. It's just the, it's just sort of, and I don't remember what the X-Men movie was. Was that like, what, 2010-ish maybe? It's earlier, I think. Oh, that Wolverine origins.

Yeah. But it's just, it's a bummer for him. But like, it's, it's bad. This is a bad movie. This is a bad movie to be the face of, as is John Carter and, as is savages as well. Yeah.

Yeah, X-Men Origins was 2009, actually, yeah. It was the Friday Night Lights thing, right? Because Plemons is here as well. And I just was like, it's fine, man. He's good on the TV show. You don't have to make him a movie star. You don't try this. You're totally right, Chris, because what it was was,

then casting people and Hollywood got a little duped, right? Because, like, he's a really high-end TV actor. I think him as Tim Riggins, on Friday Night Lights, which I've watched all of. He's amazing. He's so good as that character. It's one of the highlights of that entire run of that show. And so I think people just naturally like, wow, this guy's really fucking good.

He's handsome as all get out. Let's go to the movie route. And then like the dude just never really got a fair shot because it was just garbage title after garbage project. He sadly was involved with like the most like I am never jerking off, but I'm thinking of jerking off all the time show of all time. True Detective, season two. My Lord in heaven. It is like a disaster.

I don't know if anybody else has seen it. Oh, that's the Colin Farrell one, right? That's the fair. It is so bad. It's almost beautiful how bad that fucking show. It's the only one I haven't seen. I actually like all the other ones, but I actually have never seen that one.

It's the only season that's streaming on Pornhub. A Pornhub original. Absolutely. Yes. So we get this. the opening like 15 minutes of this movie or 10 at least all this like bullshit about he's drunk at the bar on his birthday and he's got a hit on this girl and we're stealing the breeder like all of this just doesn't need to be in the movie you know what it reminded me of i think if they're trying to set taylor kitsch's character up here a little bit like james t kirk and star trek and star trek 2009 here's a guy he needs the older fatheresque figure to tell him what's wrong with him and get get into the navy and everything's going to be right but he's a wild car and he's got to make this big scene. I just, all you need is the first scene is like he's adjusting his naval shirt and like

Alexander Scars Guard is like, now don't screw the sip, like you screw that other thing up or that stupid chicken burrito thing. And we're done. I've saved you 20 minutes. It's insane that so much of this just keeps going. And I'm like, was this movie or was this movie not about aliens invading Earth and ocean fighting? Well, first we got to get to know our characters, you know, like, happy.

birthday little brother I wish you nothing but success yes many felicitations on your new birthday you're having mine brother of American origin just like myself eat the cupcake smash it in your face and eat it we

want to be gone now dude I'll tell you what's pretty unsettling about this movie I mean the look of these gleepclops be damned a grown man discussing making a birthday wish more earnestly than I think, you know, you might first think, you know, like, he's really making a birthday wish in this movie, and that's very embarrassing. Now, please don't waste your birthday wish. It's important, don't you understand? Like, if Scars Guard wasn't just obliterated

within like 30 to 40 minutes of this movie anyway, I believe 100% he'd be mutant. He would get mutant need. Making wishes in a movie, it's reserved for movies in which that wish leads to Patrick Swayze voicing a magical dog. Do you know what I mean? It's not something you put in a summer action film, grown-ups making wishes. No, no, right next to a fucking red velvet cupcake with a single lit candle in it. What are we doing? This is battleship.

Well, there's no, there's no, uh, there's no rule about, uh, a dog not being in the Navy. So, you know, I would do a Navy dog. Navy dog. Navy dog. I would watch a Navy dog. If you are. Or Admiral dog. Admiral dog.

Admiral dog? Yeah. Navy dogs. I know what it is immediately. The tagline is just salute the cute. Oh, fuck yeah. Let's go. Yeah, that's how you get David de Cato or whatever his name is.

Interested in your movie. You just put that in on the whiteboard. Navy dog, you got mud all over your dress whites. Erg. It's a sequel to Birthday Dog. It's in worlds. Oh, yeah. So the last movie is Birthday Dog turns like 18 in Doggiers.

so he's allowed to join the military. Finally legal. Oh, birthday dog, you're finally legal. Now you're Admiral Dog. That's not why they call it the poop deck Admiral Dog. Come on. Thank you. He's sniffing it?

He's just sniffing the deck the whole time. Thinking like what? It's supposed to smell like poo. Sir, we have no idea what coordinates we're supposed to put into the battleship because you chewed up the binder with the assignment of it. What do you mean that you left great? on the table for Admiral Dog. He can't do that.

No, Admiral. I relieved him of his command, and he relieved himself on me. Oh, Admiral Dog. I'm not going to say it. You have to say it. It's the line. Okay.

We're performing a muttony on Admiral Dogg. Especially after he launched all those Pawtriot missiles. Indeed. Marvelous. God damn, I want Navy Dog. I don't want battleship. I would watch Navy Dog a hundred times before I'd ever watch battleship again.

I do understand, though, the Brooklyn Decker scene for the ID fourness of this, because you have to remember at some point, we have to stop everything and look at Vivica A. Fox's tits. Right. So you have Brooklyn Decker here to fit your tit quota. Point of order, this is all just Michael Bay's fucking leftovers. This entire movie is just, I mean, including the Brooklyn Decker. the ass shots and what have you like it's very Megan Fox and that I mean yeah it's so weird that

these are both Hasbro movies like obviously like Transformers is a huge success and they're like I don't know Battleship and like Gotta try something Battleship has no characters It's just game like The point of those Transform movies

Which I do not like At least people like when they were going They'd be like oh star scream's gonna be in this one Or here comes bumblebee or that's this one And like they look a little different And like you can tease the other other ones in later films. Like, none of, they're all nothing.

I'm looking at a bunch of nothing. It's funny you say that, Steve, because I literally in my notes referred to this movie multiple times as go bots because it's just leftover transformer shit. Yes. 100%. Holy fuck, we're going to battleship tonight. You think the red pegs gonna be in it? Maybe.

It's the game that taught us all about pegging. That is absolutely correct. Oh, Andrew, you just, I literally just got that the bombs are supposed to look like the release from the movie. Yeah. It took me forever. All right. Thank you for putting that in my brain. So you must have stayed off of the IMDB trivia

because that's all it fucking talks about for three pages. I did not have time for the IMDB trivia today. Sorry. Good for you. So, yeah, Brooklyn Decker can't get this barrens famous chicken burrito that she wants. By the way, this girl eating a chicken burrito. Okay. Yeah.

Dude, she's never been to Taco Bell can'tina. Don't even try it. She's never had a fucking boozy, frozen Mountain Dew drink. she's not lamenting the loss of the Taco Bell breakfast so one of the fat guys from the Sopranos is like Kitchens closed and by kitchen he means the microwave or whatever so Taylor Kitch his birthday wishes to sleep with this woman so he goes over there to try to see what he can get started

and his whole thing is give me five minutes I'll get you a chicken burrito we run across the street to this toilet truck stop where this lady is just just closing the shop for the night and he's like doing the whole banging on it look it's just the chicken burrito right there you just need to open your whole fucking store back up for me right you've already fucked it up because clearly if you are so obsessed with this chicken burritos this lady knows you and there's got to be something like a relationship here like no no dandy i'm

not letting you do it fuck you you got to go home and she's just like minute right to the car nothing she's calling him danny instead of alex she doesn't know him then oh really But you're, and actually, it also would soften the edge of this if she, like, has a relationship with him because now he's just yelling at a woman that's, that owns a business. You know what I mean? Like for no reason. And that he's going to destroy now. Yeah. Exactly. Because he wants to get his dick wet. That's great. So he breaks into this convenience store and man, oh man. Like the music in this movie, the needle drops are all abysmal. But dudes, this is the movie battleship. And we have the protagonist sneaking into a fucking convenience store to the pink panther theme song. Oh, yes. The first 10 minutes of this movie has more needle drops than a drug den. It's just fucking insane. I thought I was watching Watchman again.

I was just like every five seconds, there's a new pop song. We opened the bar on Sotomil, pilots, and then it jumps to something else, that it jumps to something else. And then, yes, we blissfully get the pink panther music. That was the thing, is for a minute this movie had it because Interstate Love Song, one of my favorite songs ever. I was like, oh, here we go. And then I've got to look at Taylor Kitch doing this shit. And the Pink Panther song for the 89-year-old who's in the audience. Who was just like, wait.

Yes. Oh, God. Yes. That was for all the fucking World War II and Korea veterans that were there. Exactly. Who were obsessed with the Pink Panther. Yep. They got back from WW2 and they were just fucking insane for that guy.

Jewel thieves. I love them. This is also weird because like this is very much also like a Tim Riggins kind of set up. like Tim Riggins was the hot shot fuck up kind of dude who had an older brother who was constantly like, you gotta quit fucking up, like very similar. I don't know that Tim Riggins was ever hilariously,

tased in the back like this guy gets those. We should also say Peter Berg directed the movie Friday Night's Lights and was the producer on the TV shows. So that's where all this stuff is coming from. And Peter Berg is just, is Michael Bay? This is a very bad facsimile. more like I know Bay is definitely into the military shit of course he is but like that's like all burgh is into it seems like like I feel like that's how they sold him on doing this does operation have a military link no it does not what if the guy that you had to get the funny bone out of was veteran dude they didn't have to sell him very hard I don't know if you guys looked into this but the way he got involved in this project is like ultra douce chill because he was like I'm the right person to direct this because my dad's a big World War II

historian. I'm like, okay, that's tenuous, but okay, sure. All of our dads are, what are you talking about? Exactly, that's just called being a dad. I get it, Peter. Cool, Peter Berg, your father has cable and has the history channel. Excellent. Then he, like, to research it was spending time on a Navy destroyer, and the

captain hated him, called him a Hollywood lame ass. So to prove himself worthy, this is a true story, evidently, he shot a short film of he and the captain playing a game of battleship while he had a helicopter film it. And that short film apparently won over the crew and I'm like,

what are you fucking talking about? That would be a better movie if it's just like everyone, like there's a big competition. Everyone has to play battleship on a battleship. Yes. Oh, yeah. And then like something, something terrorists.

Sure, yeah. Or the Grim Reaper. Is that what you saw? Do the Grim Reaper. You know, do the Bill and Ted Bogus Journey thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I like that.

We're just doing that. Right. The Grim Reaper plays every single sailor at this. and kills them all. So, yeah, the cops tase him. He falls down. Pinnacle of white privilege, this dude running around this town and cops telling him to stop

with guns drawn and he only gets tased. Oh, dude, holding that burrito too, he's got a gun. Exactly. Thought that chicken burrito was a gun, you see. Yeah, well, don't worry. Paid time off for me. Brooklyn Decker there gets her chicken burrito.

And she's just won over immediately, isn't she? That's just that that that's it right there that you you it doesn't matter that he looks like a fucking angel. No, no, no, no, no. It's, it's the chicken burrito. 26 minutes in, we're just on the chicken burrito. Ice bath time. Yeah. Let's keep moving.

So Taylor Kitch has taken an ice plunge because he doesn't have to go to jail because he's a white guy. That's right. His, uh, his brother's Stone. Okay. Right. Stone is saying like, oh, that girl you were trying to press last night is actually the daughter of the Admiral and you've got to stop messing in my life by joining the Navy

where I'm already at. And I just, you know, I never served in the military. I don't know how these things work, but it seems to me like it would be kind of hard to like be a dude like Alexander Scarsgaard's character and you're like, all right, brother of mine, you're going to join the Navy and that's going to take two seconds and you're going to be stationed right here with me. The whole, you know what I mean?

Like, he's just kind of magic. in the Navy. You know, Alexander Scarsgaard just goes back to Navy and puts his hand up and it's like, yes. It's like, can my brother come? He doesn't work at the electronics store. It's like, my brother, he's really, he's got some trouble history, but he'll sweep the floor, you know what I mean, whatever, Mr. Yenacente, like, no, he just is, it's the Navy. It's, I mean, like, immediately he's the lieutenant, which is also annoying. Well, immediately he's a lieutenant and they put him in charge of the weapons. The crazy guy who got arrested 75 times in his hometown. You're like, that guy had a weaponry for one of our biggest ones in the fleet.

I want to weigh in on this, but all I know about naval recruiting comes from the village people. So I can't tell if this movie is right or wrong. I mean, you just need a like, you know, four years later or whatever it is. Because he's got a haircut, he's cleaned himself up. And yeah, he's really moving and grooving in the Navy. So there's a passage of time here. that the movie just fails to acknowledge, and it just makes it sound like he just went up,

got a haircut, and later that week he was just in the Navy. Which is weird because we have title cards for every time we fart in this movie. It's like, this island, that island, lower deck, this ship, Scotland later, whatever, you know? Yes. Yeah, and so you do have all of it. You're joining me in the Navy.

And then we get all this Navy porn here, all the cool battleships and destroyers. and then the soccer game that is from Top Gun kind of thing. Oh yeah, absolutely. But can we just pause and think about the fact of it was just a brilliant, brilliant idea to adapt the game Battleship in 2012, a time when the Navy doesn't even use battleships. Yep. So that's fun. That's it.

It just seems like the IP obsession is off the charts and we're writing ourselves into a corner just to call this movie Battleship. I just, I don't understand why this movie exists, even a little bit. like even a little bit like okay so transformers is big find another toy to make not a board game that is yeah pretty stagnant maybe the military was or the navy specifically was trying to make a case like let's get another you know what we're always looking for another reason to give them another two billion dollars how about we start making battleships again how about that shit how about we just start wasting our fucking time and our precious resources and just make five more battleships that would probably cost us about a billion dollars how about that that's fun

Well, sounds good to me, dude, because if we do that, our fleet will be nice, new, shiny, rock and rolling for rim pack? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay. Dude, bend over and get ready for rim pack, dude. Only on my birthday, do I get to go to Rimpack? I had Rimpack on VHS, actually.

It was pretty good. It's a nice one. A lot of tracking issues. I had it on Beta S. Rimp pack isn't even on Pornhub. It's brazzers. It's dark. It's getting weird on RRIVAC.

A thousand percent. Which is a real thing Don't yell at me I know it's a real thing It's a real thing that's fucking Hilariously named And you're not gonna change my opinion About that real or not

I thought you were talking about brazers Steve Like you were worried people are gonna be like No brazzers is a real thing I know that don't come at me on Twitter Oh they know that Steve knows what browsers is What would the tattoo on all? Sure she has Best Spancon of all time dude I have to say

You're cleaning up with that but yes we're doing maritime exercises 20,000 Navy personnel that appears to be from America and Japan only. Yep. I think is the idea here. But kicking things off. This is appropriate, right? The World Cup is going on as we record this right now. Just playing some soccer.

You know what? Fuck them aliens. Let's have a soccer scene. I think the best joke in this movie is its runtime. Like when you see how long this movie is and you're like, oh, that's because they devote a good 20 minutes to this Intermural Beer League soccer horseshit like what are we doing?

Two hours and 12 minutes dude you sunk my afternoon That's I wonder if it was Some idiot producer who's like look we've got Berg we got Kitch we got Plymonds we gotta be Playing some sports and we've already done football Let's do the other football How about that shit? Also on the soccer team is Rihanna

She's Petty Officer Rakes Uh, weapons specialists A lot of this movie is Rihanna behind multiple huge gatling guns and whatnot. She's actually kind of a fun part of this movie if there needs to be one, I would say. She's actually not that bad. The only thing that I... Mahalo motherfucker was the best part of the movie. Mahalo motherfucker very good.

The only thing I dock the movie for in this, I don't know if it's her, probably not. But like, she can't be singing in this movie. And there's that part where she's like the riding the boat out to the fucking bleep-blop. ship and she's just singing and I'm like everybody knows Rihanna is a very talented singer. But she's singing nothing. Yeah. She's like all these needle drops and she can't sing, I don't know, one of her own song. I don't give a fuck.

Sing the fucking green giant jingle. I don't care. Like sing a real song. Well, you wonder, why didn't you get her to a song called Battleship, you know? Ooh, Battleship. Battle, battle, battle. There you go. Easy peasy.

Genuinely surprising, though, because when you would have things, if this movie came out like 1997 and Rihanna's like the supporting character, you bet your sweet ass Rihanna would be recording an original song for the Battleship soundtrack. Right. Look at Men in Black, right? He was getting chicky with it. And guys, before we complain about the runtime and the soccer scene, the soccer scene is really important because it lets you know that Taylor Kitch is kind of an asshole.

You know what I'm right. You know, I guess it's for the veterans with dementia. in the audience. We need to remind them of what they just saw over and over again. There's no point in this movie where I would blame anybody for asking him are you drunk?

Yes. At every moment, everything that's happening, I'm like, I would ask him, are you drunk because you're acting that way? That's exactly what I'm feeling here. It's a fair question. Is rival on the other team, Tabanabu Asano, who's in he was in those Thor movies?

Everything. Oh, he's Your buddy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he is Lord Raiden in the New Mortal Kombat. That's exciting. Captain Nagata here. Captain Nagata, he accidentally kicks him in the face, which happens in soccer.

It does. Yeah, we're both going up for the ball in different ways. It's incidental. But Taylor Kitch is a fucking asshole American and he's got to get in this guy's face. Dude, you're allowed to kick in the face. There's no punching is the rule of soccer. And he, and again, look, it's the penalty kick. This game means a lot to everyone.

Everybody on the field. And Alexander Scars Guard is like, I'm going to take you out, brother. We're going to have someone else do the penalty kick actually now. Because they're like, you just got kicked in the fucking face, dude, full on soccer kicked in the face. You're totally out of it. You're injured. There's no way you're going to do this correctly. And there's this other guy that is seemingly very good at penalty kicks.

You come in here. I'm going to beat you up, dude. You fucking try it. You fucking. Everyone's like, I guess to stop a. riot the baby gets the shot gets to ruin the game. I cannot believe I'm in a room with four New Yorkers who don't

recognize the Cam Scataboo school of a head injury never takes you off the field. It's not a good idea though. I guess not, sure. Our quarterback's got a fucking head injury or two also. That fucking kid. We do also meet Jesse Plemons, right? Because

Jesse Plemons and Rihanna are watching or Jesse Plumman's watching. I think Rihanna is on the team. He's Jimmy. Ord, they're calling him Ordi throughout this movie. And it's weird because what he's doing in this movie is basically the earlier part of Friday Night Lights as his Landry character, like as this kind of like, kind of dumb sort of follower sort of dude.

Landry becomes like kind of cool and confident later as the show goes on. But this is like just early, early Mr. Clemens here. It's also like very Michael Bay improv-y jokes. You know what I mean? If that makes it, you know what I mean? There's like ratatap between him and Rihanna You look like Colonel Sanders actually He does have that funny comeback

Oh he's a handsome man actually But yeah so he refuses to let this other dude kick He actually says he's going to kill him Steve If you walk any closer to me I'm going to kill you You know comrade of mine in the Navy Whatever And he fucks it up

He fucking biffs this so hard It goes over the top goalposts so far so high in the air that the Japanese goalie just doesn't even have to react. He just looks up to the sky and sees the ball going over. Classic fuck-up. And now everyone's pissed off of you again. And I was like, man, I might need one or two more scenes. But I think Taylor Kitch's character is kind of an asshole fuck-up.

You're going to get another at least one more before you get there. So we're getting some late night laying on the beach action right here and we're going over. Don't want to close my eyes. All they need is fucking animal crackers, man. Oh, God, damn it. Yeah. The animal crackers of Armageddon. Yeah, and it's like he, Alex is planning on proposing to Sam.

So they're talking about like getting permission from her father, Liam Neeson. And so they're going over like what he's going to say. And I'm like, I swear to Christ, there were aliens in the trailer for this movie. Just tapping my watch. Like when did they? They show up. But guys, it's important in the Irish community to ask for the hand in marriage. The idea that Liam Neeson, who I've seen do a better American accent than this,

is just the Admiral or whatever? Yeah, dude, Mick Admiral. Like, it's really, he didn't give a fuck about covering anything up, dude. The Michael Bay ass shot is right here as we're focusing on Brooklyn Decker's ass. And then in a, dare I say, Kubrickian edit, It's like her ass, her ass, her ass, cuts big space satellite. Yes. The Michael Bay worship in this movie is embarrassing.

The cinematography looks like a spray tan. Like it's all just awful. Michael Bay Detritus. Well, you can track the reevaluation of Bay as like a much more important director than he was before. It definitely had something to do with Burke consistently getting work all the sudden. Like once we were deep into like the lone survivor era, it was just like, Oh, yeah. Oh, please. Give me more of the rock, the first bad boys. The classics, masterpieces. Well, because these are, he's just a fucking dollar store discount bin Michael Bay. And like, he kept, like, the filmography got so big that it was like, oh, my God, folks, we have to appreciate what we had that came before this.

Because as of this recording, Peterberg has directed five movies that star Mark Wahlberg. Jesus Christ. It's so many movies. The most recent one was that Spencer movie, which I didn't see. Not good. But previous episode, Mile 22, he did direct, Jess. Oh, yeah. Previous episode, we're the only four people that watched Mile 22. I don't think anybody remembers that one. They were trying to get to 22.

They got to four. So they send out from the ash shot, we see the satellite sends out the signal again. We're fucking calling again. It's three o'clock in the morning on that planet. We're calling again. And these aliens have had enough of it. And finally, big Papa alien gets in the fucking car and starts driving to Earth. that we see there's a little shot of the blip of the spaceship kind of coming towards Earth.

No, no, no, leave your shotgun. Leave your shot. Don't go see America. Don't go see Earth like that. Leave your shotgun here. And again, speaking to the stupid people in the audience, we have to show a signal being transmitted to space. There has to be a laser beam visual. Otherwise, we can't just tell people we're transmitting a signal.

We have to see a laser beam come out of a satellite dish or we don't know what the fuck is happening. It looks like a death ray. Yes. Wait, they don't work like that? I thought that was just what we did. Oh, I'm sorry. I was like, ooh, that's nice. See how annoying that is?

A laser pointer in my face now? I'm going over there. I swear to God they're doing it on a purpose. I swear to God they're doing it on purpose. First they're calling every day. Now they get the laser pointer. They know I have work in the morning. Now, no, look, now Mitzie's jumping everywhere

trying to get it with her paws. Mitzie down. Mitzie stopped trying to play with the satellite. Oh, and look, now you're yelling The baby woke up. This has to end, Gerald. Okay, fine, I'm going to Earth. Fuck you, I'm going to Earth. Me and my wife are getting separated because of you, Earth.

So, yeah, we get to the USS, Missouri, and there's Liam Neeson, I'd like to welcome you all to the United States versus Japan in Rimpack. We're squashing the beef. That's what we're doing here. We're squashing the beef. We're going to have,

fun today so much. And if you were looking for a reason, I know, all this has already happened. You probably have already disconnected completely. But if you had to take this thing less seriously, all of a sudden, purred happily shows up. Yeah. Parks and Rec as the fucking newscaster. You can't. Okay. So I don't, Eric and Stephen, are you not familiar with Parks and Rec? I'm confused by this. Brian, I've seen, I've seen it, but I don't remember the character. Brian, did you watch Parks and Rec at all? The idea behind this cameo is that it's dumb. Yes. So this guy played a character on Parks and Rec called Purd Happley

and he would just do dipshit local news things and he would always just say the dumbest shit. Like it was a guy never to be taken seriously. So when that actor comes in this movie also playing a newscaster and it's like something has happened in the ocean and you're like, wait, are you joking

Purd? What's happening? Don't expect me to stay with the reality here when you have Purd Happley telling me about this alien invasion. I'm sorry. God damn it. So we're driving, we're late to the ceremony, Alex and Sam, blaring dropkick Murphy's hang him high out the window this early in the morning?

I don't know about that. Here's the thing. If he is, the Navy has given him anything, I think punctuality is kind of a big deal. Like, maybe he's still impetuous on the soccer field, but he can't be late to the fucking ceremony. Like, come on. And I need a reason at this point.

Like, we got fucking in the shower and I forgot what time it was. Anything, like the reason, because they're going in. And yes, oh, Liam Neeson's going to be mad. We got to sneak in this, that, and the other thing, he stops to talk to this kid like he's given some educational thing at the end of an 80s cartoon. Like, this is the difference between battleships

or whatever the fuck. And I was like, you are late for this ceremony. What are you doing right now? Also, full to stern for just a second, if we could back up, it's the USS Missouri. It's literally the boat from under siege. Like, they filmed it on the USS Alabama, but the movie takes place on the USS,

Missouri. So, you know, and in this movie, the USS Missouri becomes a major plot point. And I just imagine Stephen Seagall trying to fucking fight these aliens. Oh, I'm better moving, my friend. The aliens are scanning him and it turns green because he's just a chef. But oh, no, he's not. Oh, man. Destroying this whole alien empire from a chair, comfortably from a chair, that would really, rise my spirits.

That would be hilarious, right? It's Seagall and the aliens looking out of it. It's totally green. and then like he pulls out a knife and they cut back to the alien vision and it's still totally green and he's like setting himself up to fight this alien and it's just totally green

because this alien knows Steven Zagal is a fucking joke and he can't fucking threaten him at all he's trying to get on the boat they're like no Steven it's a museum now and he's like let's go talk to the captain of the museum museums don't have Steve no we're not doing an exhibition

where the aliens just fall over for you I'm sorry that's not happening I'm gonna exit through the gift or he kicked an alien through something exit to the gift shop you know? Oh, totally, yeah. Absolutely. That has anything. And there's all these like behind the scene set stories where like he got in a real fight with that one alien and the alien choked him out and he shit his pants. And during this sequence, it's, you know,

Nies is giving a big grand speech about how great the military is and it's fine and behind him. There are all these veterans from World War II. And the camera is lovingly on them. And that's very respectful. And I think it's a really nice little moment. And I'm like, oh, that's cool. Like, that's a nice nod to the real men that made this thing possible. Man, was that all I needed? You know what I mean? Like a nice tip of the cap to the actual stuff. I totally agree.

Like, this is great. It's World War II and Korea vets both there. So it's like, that you acknowledge the old timers, right? We'll have a scene we'll talk about in a second where we go with Sam to her job. She's a physical therapist working with veterans with various injuries and whatever. And so that's like, those are real dudes there too. that's like a really nice, okay, yeah, and here's a reminder, we're still fucking doing this shit, like what we're doing to these fucking guys and gals and whatever, so that's nice.

They don't need to save the world at the end of the movie. No, they do not need lines of dialogue. No. I mean, I'm as big a fan of Iron Eagle 3 as the next guy, but we don't necessarily need to bring the geriatric brigade into this. Well, because the tasteful thing you're talking about is something that Michael Bay would do, and then he would be done with it. So it has to be worse.

So you make half your movie about these guys. And then, hey, why not? So Alex is still given the Japanese captain shit about the fucking soccer game. And I'm sitting there like, man, yeah, I think this guy's an asshole. They go to the bath. They accidentally meet in the bathroom

and they get into an off-camera fight, which is funnier than an on-camera fight, I assume. I don't know. Because you have the gag. of what's his name. Now I just want to call him Landry. Plymonds. Plymonds.

Meth Damon. He walks to the he's walking up to the bathroom and he can hear shit and does like the I don't want anything to do with that. Like backs away from the noise. I presume that he went and told the authorities or something because they get apprehended and brought

before you know. Is it Liam Mason or who is Liam Mason? Yeah. And Nagata is the bigger man here and he's like, oh yeah, I slipped, you know, like Jerry Lewis, you know, and it's, that's funny. All of these dudes go insane. Yeah, sometimes screams like,

did you just say Jerry Lewis? Are you kidding me? Yes, you guys are making me realize how much this movie is playing to the octogenarians because we've literally shown the veterans on the boat. We make a reference to Jerry Lewis and then we tell everybody that Jag is going to kick this guy out of the Navy. And the only people who know what Jag are

are the grandparents in the audience. My favorite show is going to kick him out of the Navy. Man, I've seen so much JAG. That's crazy. How was service in Korea, by the way. Actually, funny enough, I watched JAG

most times with my Vietnam War veteran uncle. That sounds right. Just watching Jag, dude, watching David James Elliott do his thing. And then the other lady there that I think was on Loveline and the fat guy.

I believe it was a whole team. What's the deal with the that show, it's like law and order, but on a boat. Like, I never actually watched it. Boated order, yes. It's like, it's like, like, Navy lawyers or whatever. Yeah. Splash, splash.

Good God. But, yeah, Liam Neeson gives him the whole, like, clears the room after all the bullshit, and he's like, that's the classic, you're amazing, but you're fucking up your talent, but may I remind you, you're fucking amazing. Oh, yes, you're like Donnie Darko. Your Iowa test scores are intimidating.

But I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion. But now he says, these might be your last naval games. Because there's something where he reads some quote from Homer and then Taylor Kitch identifies. The fact that you know that makes me even more angry with ye. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, come on. I defended you for years because you're an insufferable prick, and I love that. But for now, I need you to listen.

Lee Lee's only technically in this movie. I still think that's my biggest problem with battleship is they took all the heat he generated from his big taking comeback, and then the A team in those Narnia movies and the gray, and they turned it into the biggest, wettest fart this side of a Florida motel hot tub. It's criminal that he's not in this more. When I saw this movie coming out, and even today when I was going to watch it, like, oh, I'm going to get Liam Neeson holding binoculars going, there they are, F5.

Hit that quadrant. The longest time I thought this was a Liam Neeson movie, it is absolutely not. He's literally stuck on the outside of the movie, which I think is just so totally insulting. He's under the dome, baby. So we got to get these, got to get the rim pack exercises going.

You better break out the first of two ACDC songs on this soundtrack, fucking hard as a rock terrible song I mean all of acesc i'm not a big fan i'll be honest really i like them 209 million dollars what they spent on this movie and i feel like a hundred and nine million of that went to clearing the licenses for all these

fucking needle drops it's gotta be it's gotta be and i'm not like i'm not anti-ac dcc i saw him once in concert it was a good time it's just one hard as a rock i don't think it's a very good song but also like two in the same movie and the other one's fucking thunderstruck god damn it dude It's a lot.

But yeah, so you see the Hopper brothers differing managerial styles or leadership styles when it comes to being supposed leaders in the Navy like Alexander's character is very much like, let's just try to learn from this and, you know, just do our best and we should come through it, okay, on the other side.

And then you've got Taylor Kitch like, we're going to fucking ram this goddamn boat down the Japanese fucking three. It is also weird. I mean, obviously it's set in Hawaii later on in the movie when, you know, the Nagata has a way to beat the aliens. And Taylor Kitch is like, that's so sneaky, but I love it. And all the Pearl Harbor stuff is just like a little gear guy. Not my fucking Hasbro movie, maybe.

There's a lot of lines like that in this movie where you go, ooh, like this one right here where, you know, Taylor Kitch is making all these demands. man's of the crew and Rihanna says we're being run by some kind of Donald Trump Mike Tyson mutant combo. Uh-huh. So much like Big Don himself, this movie is just for whatever reason kind of stuck in the late 80s. We're being run by two members of the WWE Hall of Fame and not the wrestlers. You know, uh, you're being a real, real jerk to all these people in our battleship

command room here. Uh, you're really acting like a couple of adjudicate. hated rapists. Oh, yeah. Sir, are you drunk? Oh, no? Okay. All right. I have to check. Had to check. No, sorry. I'm not drunk. Just remind everybody here, I'm a fucking total asshole that's

great at my job. Hell yeah. Oh, wait, did I lose my job because I was too much of an asshole? Ouch. Oh, oh. Asshole alert overdid it on the assholeery. That's what we're sending into space is the asshole alert. Oh, it's that just that, what do you call it there? That air horn noise.

No, no, it's a brown note. Now they're making our entire planet shit themselves. I'm going over there. I'd be mad too. I get it now. This movie makes sense to me now. Taylor Kitch does get called over to his brother's boat because he has been pretty much fired from the military for being too much of an asshole.

But meanwhile, the Independence Day stuff is happening. We've got a lot of like noises. that signal can't be what it is it is actually that signal can you believe it and all that kind of shit right uh around here too is where we get back to sam walking into the physical therapy rehab office here you have all of these veterans getting a good look costanza here very obviously checking this woman out and uh you meet this dude mick uh who is really having it out with a trainer here really giving this guy some shit he's a veteran uh double amputee and uh he gets switched over here,

wouldn't you know it, to working with Sam. Now, Sam is the new patient here. And it's just like, listen, you know, thank you for that guy's service. A cameo would have been fine. This poor fellow's just not an actor.

And you can tell, like, he's just fucking uncomfortable on camera. It's hard to watch. It is. It's weirdly enough. Like, it would be fine if it was just like, he was like, we show him,

her, we show the audience how good she is at her job. And we learn a little something about our vets. that have given so much, et cetera. But we don't do that. He's just one around punching aliens and just like... See, if he's just in this start and he's like being helped by her and he's like,

Sam, I could do it, I'm walking or whatever. Yes, exactly. You're done. You're good. We did it. We thank you. Yeah, she gets a professional triumph in one scene of the movie. We know she's competent at her job and that's really all you need.

But I timed it. Alex calls, he's like, hey, um, Didn't get a chance to talk to your dad yet, but I mess something up, and she's just like, huh, good thing you're great at your job, because you sure do love messing things up and acting like an asshole. And she's like, stop messing things up,

which is like his directive now for the rest of the movie. I timed it. 30 minutes the ships get to the fucking solar system with these incoming contacts, and they start landing in the ocean. It's very important for the stinger scene at the end of the movie. They make reference to yes,

bunch of shit in the Pacific drop, but also even as far as Scotland something landed on Earth. And they lay waste to China. Apparently 25,000 people die in this outright. Oh, yes, a bunch of shit falls on Hong Kong. Yes. Because you have to, that's what I think they were doing here, right?

It's like, oh, I think someone realized like, shit, we're making this movie. It's kind of, it's aliens, a little ID4 kind of deal. But fuck, we're just out in the middle of the Pacific the whole time. Better cut away to a scene. How are we going to have 75-9-11s if we don't? You know, so they just cut to Hong Kong and yet 20,000 dead.

And you know, they had to do this because there was constant lines of dialogue previously about like all these things are coming in. Is it the Chinese? Is it the goddamn Chinese? So if the Chinese are hit, then it's like, oh, I guess it's not them. I guess it's aliens. The have your cake and eat it two tone where it's like, we're going to kill 25,000 people in China.

But this one little leaguer, you better believe he's not going to get run over by that maximum overdrive razor machine. Dude, you just want that kid to be gobbled up inside that fucking Mangalier looking thing. So how many kids are dying A in China and also be on that highway that where everything sinks into, yes.

That's another, yeah, that's where we needed some 75-9-11s, you got to get inland with it. That's like, they were like, hey, this I know it's battleship. And, you know, we're mostly on the water again, but you think these battleship aliens would have anything in their arsenal to tackle land, too? Dude, landship.

That should be the sequel. Later in the movie, it looks like that scanner is scanning for, like, the hunkiest characters. I'm like, is this like scanning for sexiness? Hey, that robot's coming on to me. It's from Planet Tinder. May I get you dinner? Well, that's what they do, right? They're known for, like, extracting your semen and all that and the probing.

They're sick. They are. Aliens are known as intergalactic perverts, guys. That's what they are known for. They're known for. Taken to Seaman. I hadn't heard that one. Oh, come on, Chris.

You don't remember that X-Files episode where Mulder's got to solve the come heist? No, that one I did not remember. You're so naive if you don't think they're taking Siemens. Oh, they are for sure. This is the heads-up display for hot or not. That's the problem with this razor ball that comes down from space. I meant, of course, naval officers, but yes, come is well. Yeah, so we have a big, there's a big conference call around here between,

this Dr. No Grady This is that Adam Godley from Breaking Bad. The other thing I remembered he's in is the Tim Burton Willie Wonka movie. Charlie in the Chaga factory. He's in that. So we're getting the conference called him.

You got Hamish link later as Cal Zapata. I don't know. That's just what IMDB told me. I wanted him to have a big Zapata mustache. Yeah, you should have. And it's kind of funny because it's like the two of them talking and then he's like, well, what does NASA have to say about it? And then like, this doctor's like, well, why don't you ask NASA?

And he's like, hello NASA's on the phone? And then it gets to like, boy, I think we should call the Air Force. Oh, they're on the fucking phone too. Like everybody's here with this guy. And he's like, so, hey, Air Force, what's your advice? And this dude is like fucking take shelter immediately. Kiss your ass goodbye. Yep.

A brace, he says. Brace. Air Force, you're still on mute. Air Force, unmute your... God damn it, Air Force. Well, they're all dead, so what are we going to do? How are we going to collect the bodies, do you think? Oh, no, my, hot mic, hot mic, hot mic.

Oh, my God, that guy from the fucking Navy stood up and his pants were down. He was tubing right on the Zoom meeting. Fucking shit. Battle tubing. That's a movie I might watch. It's the most unprofessional response to an alien invasion ever. Look at these clowns. But yes, Peter McNeckle, this is a legit extraterrestrial contact.

Like, he thinks it's bullshit at first. And then they realize, oh, it did come from Planet Z or G, rather, planet G spot there. And man, and we get into one of the funniest shots of this movie. So you've seen, like, all of these things, you know, dart down into the ocean or whatever from the sky. This shark that swims up to one of the alien shifts and is like, I don't think so, buddy. you're on your own. And again, with the, the ships look like dog shit. I mean, like, they look like, because there's nothing to base them on.

And me as an audience, they do make a red one, a blue one, and a yellow one or whatever, which is hilarious. Well, so when you're playing Mario Kart, dude, you know which one you are. I got it. When you select the battleship ship. By the way, I'm pretty sure multiple colors is not actually part of the battleship game. Nope, it's not. That's problematic trouble. You fuck it up.

That's trouble. That's what they put Liam Niesem in as a big pop-a-matic bubble. That's right. Dude, this is more pop-a-matic trouble than battleship, I think. I'm in trouble now, but you're going to be sorry when I get out of this bubble. The movie Taken was basically, guess who, with violence? I will take a shoot-ed ladder to find you, and I will kill you. Okay, is he Albanian?

Okay, got it. All right, I'm going to start looking for some Albanians in Candy Lad. Albanian, okay, I got no more questions. That's my only guess. What does he say? Good luck. Flip, flip, flip, flip. I'm about to have a monopoly on your ass. It is no fun getting into trouble, unfortunately.

What do you think we should do, Admiral Uncle Wiggly? You just woke daddy. The game is don't wake daddy. All right, we're going to get these Albanian sons of bitches. We're going to catch them in a mousetrap. Just before his ship explodes, he turns to the camera, goes kerplunk. Uh-oh,

Scatigories. My pursuit of you is anything but trivial. Oh, you want to marry my daughter? Well, that's a little taboo. Chequers. Feel afraid to just check in.

Shoot you. Feel free to time in, Sergeant Slinky. Kingney. I'm thinking about my favorite presidential pet, checkers the dog from the Nixon administration. Peter, what other board games you got back there? I could say them all if you want to.

I got a nice microphone here. So speaking of Liam Neeson, he's looking into it, trying to see what the situation is here. And this is what we have glorified extra Rami Malik as the dude who's like, the ships are about 150 miles south of here. That's it. That's a wrap on Malik.

The ships were hiding in. the dark circles under his eyes. Trying to see what year Chris was a TV show. It has that really. Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot? I forget. I think it was later. I guess. Yeah. It's a couple years after this, I feel. 2015, you got it on the dot. Oh, nice.

Oh, there go. Yeah, Turtle gets more time than him, which is amazing. I do love it. Jerry Ferrara, because that's a bird guy, dude. Eric was all over entourage. Yeah, he comes in and he tells Alexander Scarsgard. You got to come see the alien ship. I can't believe I completely miss Turtle in this movie. A rare turtle sighting in a movie.

I did too. My God. He's got to get the aliens' headphones, but everything. Oh, yeah, the Bose headsets, dude. Yeah, now, people at home, Turtle was a character, an entourage. If you're younger than us, but even a year, you have no idea what entourage is. It's already bordering on an ask your parents. Like, we're right on the cusp of an ask your parents about entourage.

Absolutely. Oh, there's kids out there that don't know what entourage is right now. They would have to ask their parents. And so here's the thing. It was entourage. There was a character named Turtle. And one time he was asked to pick up Bose headsets. I think it was pretty early in the series run.

So it became a defining idea of the character. Well, isn't it in the movie? I think he fools around with Ronda Rousey in the movie, Chris. Yeah. But because we did the episode on in that's where the Bose headset thing comes from. Oh, it's in the movie. movie? Well, all right. I thought it was on the show. I have no idea.

You know what? Doesn't matter. We're already past time on Turtle. Now we talked about Jerry Ferrar now more than he's actually in the movie. Unfortunately, yes. We all just lost it, guess who? So, yeah, it's exactly what you would think in the situation.

The aliens start like fucking with them and they're like, oh, this must be part of all of our military games or whatever. Get out there on this little skiff and go see what the deal is. Let's go over there because our radio's broken down or whatever. And this is where Rihanna is like singing on the boat for a second. And yeah, we got Taylor Kitch and this other guy who is a bigger than average character.

Like he does get a lot of play here as like his number two or whatever driving the boat. Your love's a battleship. Your love's a battleship. I don't know if we said that there is a big bubble around this area. that now no one can come into a plane. Well, no, it hasn't happened yet. Oh, the bubble has not. Oh, I'm sorry. So, like, Tim Riggins goes out on, they, like, pull up onto this thing and there's part

of it, like, sticking out of the water. And I realized, Steve, when you were saying, like, we don't know what this thing looks like, that's because, like, yeah, what a bad idea, like, to debut your shit, like, coming up from the water, but it never is, like, fully unsubmerged for the debut, you know? So you were looking at this thing, like, it's partially under what is this thing? And for some reason, the alien technology doesn't make sense. They have this amazing force field technology. They have the ability to travel billions of light ears.

But they shoot regular ordinance, it seems, and are completely vulnerable to regular ordinance. Like, there's no lasers, no like little mini shields or anything like that. And even though they're from a Goldilocks planet that is just like our Earth, they cannot deal with sunlight. That's another thing we come to find. And just a quick point of order here. They could fucking fly. Why are they bothering to battle boats in the ocean

when they can just fucking fly? One word. Honor. Oh, okay. And, you know, presumably after the events of this film, why wouldn't they just send more guys down, right? Well, no, we blew up the thing, so it's okay now?

Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Well, they finally, they listened, they finally stopped calling, so that's all anyone on the planet ever wanted in the first place. Destroy the satellites. So the fucking phone stops. But yeah, so what happens is Alex realizes here he can walk out. There's part of it that's under the waters.

It sort of looks like he's walking on water. And he's walking closer to the larger piece of the ship. And everybody's like, don't do that, man. Don't do that man. And as soon as he touches it, it activates. It launches him backwards. And this is where the shit shoots out of the top of it and forms the dome around. Because you got to let the battle begin.

Wait, he did the thing that everybody asked him not to do. Over and over again. It's an odd thing for him to do. Wouldn't you know it, dude? I think this guy might be a little bit of a loose cannon, a little bit of an asshole. Crazy. Oh, awesome thing. So you know it's a force field, right?

This Navy plane just drives fucking pancakes right against the side of that shit, Independence Day style. And the Reordance, the aliens shoot. are like the pegs in battleship, which I just realized 61 seconds ago. I'm surprised. I got that immediately. And I thought it was, I thought I really hated it, that it was exactly that. It's not just the shape even. It's like literally the like the fact that you have to force part of it in. Like that's the thing hits and then it goes in a little bit and then it explodes. Steve, you might have forgotten about it because it's very stupid. it is.

So because of this, they can't communicate with the other side of the domes or whoever's stuck in there is stuck in there and Liam Neeson's on the outside like, why won't anyone pick up the phone? So 43 minutes in,

the aliens finally have something to do you. This is when like the ship pops out of the water and they start sort of lining themselves up. Not a lot of knowledge about like, if you're in a tiny boat, you see, and a gigantic monster, craft lurches out of the water and then splashes back down 10 feet away from your tiny-ass ship.

You're not on your tiny-ass ship going, whoa, that was close. You're getting knocked the fuck over by a huge wake that this thing is leaving. Around here, don't they, they have like a sonic weapon that they use that makes everyone's ears hurt and shit and breaks the windows? Oh, right. It would be great if everyone was deaf for the rest of the film. Yes, this is what we used to kidnap Maduro, right? Yes, I believe so.

Yeah, this is that fucking the Havana Syndrome device. Right, yeah. That fucking thing, man, you read about that. Those are some wormholes you'll go down. But I do love, you said the glass thing. This sound wave, yeah, you see these shards of glass breaking through the bridge of Alexander Scarsgaard ship. And this dude is just getting like glass in his face,

but it's slow-mo. So he's like, it looks like he's in like a wind tunnel, like his cheeks start fluttering. I thought he was going to go out like Doc Ock's wife. I thought he was right here. I thought so too, dude. Totally, yeah, same wavelength. Absolutely.

Major L.O.L. in the sequence to Rihanna and this fucking Gatling gun, this tiny little thing just shooting at this massive alien ship. Don't you imagine that if Liam Neeson is under, he's stuck under the dome while this is happening. And all we have... So he's stuck on the outside of the dome. Oh, is he, they're inside the dome? Because the dome you see is the playboard. Oh, or the board game movie we are watching.

Even though it doesn't, the actual thing does never look like a dome. It's never looked like a dome. It's like a laptop more than that. That's very stupid. Liam Neeson, you imagine once he comes to the conclusion that this is like, it's the Japanese and his drunk will be son-in-law against these guys. You imagine he's killing himself right there. Like, it's like, we've, there's no hope for humanity now. It's all over.

And everybody else has to follow suit. I'll take a gun out. I will do it. We can't fight in this one crew. Gather around. I just got settlers of Katon. So, yeah, you know, they launch a big fucking attack. These gleepe-clops do.

And wouldn't you know it? The one ship gets blasted to smithereens. Alexander Scarsgard is killed at one point here, as is the first officer. Which means, this is a staffing issue right here. Taylor Kitch's character was the third most senior person on the boat. Because he's just, they're like, ah, fuck, you're in charge, sir. Because he's like, who's in charge?

What happened? My brother's dead. Who's in charge? And they're like, uh, it's you actually. I thought discipline was kind of a big deal in the Navy. I thought like, you know what I mean? Like, well, this guy wouldn't be a lieutenant based upon his shitty performance and asshole behavior. Sorry, Steve, but right.

Right before Christopher Pike left, he said that he was in charge. Oh, wow. The evolution of the mediocre white guy. Common theme in films. Yeah. And so, like, Taylor Kitz was like, we got to fucking bomb those dudes right out of the water. Let's go, men, blah, blah, blah. Jesse Plumman's is like, well, we only have, like, one more torpedo and those aren't really doing anything.

And then eventually, like, a boat, the Japanese boat gets sunk. and he's like, come on, if we don't have any ammunition, we're just going to ram the boat into them. And they're like, hey, man, there's fucking sailors in the water, dude. Like, what are you doing with this fucking nonsense right now? We're going to run him over. We're going to run them over. Because I got to get it out of them.

Get off of that. Oh, man, just do slow-mo shots of the propellers, just like chewing guys up. Yeah. Oh, fuck that. Way more interesting. The kids saw the early returns on John Carter of Mars. It's like, we're going to hell tonight.

Let's go. Yes, sir. But no, it comes down to this dude, Chief Petty Officer Lynch, played by John Tooey, has been in a bunch of stuff. This dude, he's like, he's the Jack dude, and he grabs him and he's like, hey man, quit fucking around.

Like, there are sailors in the water. And he finally is like, all right, I guess we'll go save the sailors. But they killed my brother, man, and I'm kind of an asshole about everything. I kind of wanted him to grab him and just like have this intense stare and be like, hey, chicken burrito. And that's like calls him into action to being a decent human being or something. Yeah, dude, you can't die now.

You got to get back home to chicken burrito. And all the little nuggets you're going to have. That's the thing. Yeah, the erection brings him out of it because he does do chicken burrito play with Brooklyn Decker, obviously. That's right. Because that's what happens to Steve. He thinks about what he could be having, you know, back on the beach. And the blood goes from like his temples back down to his fucking cock where it belongs.

He's thinking about dripping salsa all over her mouth and going in there for a taste. And so sour cream is definitely going to evolve. Yeah, some shredded cheese all over her. The double-decker taco, if you know what I mean. Hard and soft. Oh, yeah, no. It's hard first, then it gets soft. This is the ground assault part where it's like all these rolling balls destroy all these helicopters.

I like the one guy who's like, hmm, I'll just. get my helo a few feet off the ground and this thing will roll underneath me. And then the only time this happens in the movie, these little balls have like dragon tails or scorpion tails on them. And it like whips this thing out and cuts the tail off the helicopter so that guy does crash and die. These are your only effective weapon. And they're not these big ships that sit in the water and leapfrog around. Yeah.

And I also love the scene is sort of like because it's the ball goes on the land and it's like almost. destroys a soccer game, but destroys like, you know, the cityscape and all this stuff. And it's like, it's done with this like reverence of like, this is what it would be like

if a spinny thing was on the earth. Like, what are you talking about? It's ridiculous. It's absolutely absurd. Like the sad, oh God, look at the people.

The banus. The banus, again, you are coming so close to these noises just being like Transformers, Gremlin noises, when the little guy's like, Yeah, very, very much.

They analyzed that Little League kid, I guess, not a threat for some reason, but we mentioned it earlier. They saw his ERA and knew it wasn't worth it. He's not going to go far. It destroys the highway and all these cars collapsing off this bridge. This all looks terrible. This all feels like last minute. We animated this all on the fly. I do love, though, when the Destructo ball is done having its way with that baseball field,

it's like flying towards the camera and like there's all these explosions like this whole place is totally destroyed but the thing that is impervious to alien technology and fireballs and whatever else is this huge subway sandwiches banner pristine like when your earth's being

destroyed get a foot long tuna before you die there was also a kid drinking soda out of a subway cup oh I missed that maybe Subway sponsored the Little League they sponsored the aliens invading I think Depending on when this was shot, that's a really bad idea to have Subway around Little League.

It's all I'm going to say. Oh, yeah. I think he was long gone by the time this movie was being. We had already sent the Navy after Jared Fogle. That's good. I would hope so. When you're looking for a last meal, you want a meatball on Asiago cheese bread from Subway, I imagine. I assume that's number one on the list is the hot meatball sandwich.

That's a good order, dude. Not too short. This movie gives me a. migraine though, the noises between the fart rock, the weird haziness of like certain shots because that's what the alien lighting

is and just like everything just, it gives me a fucking headache this entire movie. Well, it's the homogene. I think it is the biggest problem with this movie. It's interesting it came out in 2012 because it feels like it was constructed by AI. Like if you just fed the words summer

blockbuster into chat GPT, this would be the slop that came out. Yeah, I'd buy that. It is a mash-up of a bunch of shit done elsewhere. It's the worst parts of so many, like, better summer movies. It's like the Irish Willy Wonka experience of Blockbuster Films. I looked out because we're talking about the cinematography. This was lensed by Tobias, a Schleesler, who is Berg's dude.

That's for sure. At least as far back as, yeah, Friday Night Lights, Hancock, which is a Peter Berg movie. lone survivor he shot Patriots Day he shot but then also like I mean this dude works for sure like big budget shit like that live action beauty and the beast that was terrible

oh Jesus everybody remember the fifth the state oh a lot yes yeah oh the remake of taking a Pelham one two three dream girls like this guy's gotten around over the years my bunghole mother fucker dude

uh Yeah, I just wanted to look that up really quickly here. Liam Neeson outside the dome. This is a great action movie thing. He's talking to Peter McNichael, who's the sec deaf. And he's like, well, don't worry about it, Liam Neeson. It doesn't matter that you can't get inside the dome. We have someone on the inside.

And he's like, who's on the inside? And it just cuts to Taylor Kitch. Great. I hope it's the best damn Navy guy. The Navy's ever seen Navy around here. Well, actually, you know, if he gets pretty bad when they kick him in the face. So I imagine murdering his brother will probably ruffle some feathers. He's the best we have and also a total fuck-up.

Somehow, both of those things. Oh, we're doomed. Oh, wait, Rihanna's in there? We're fine. Don't worry about it. We're actually 100% cool. She's a good girl gone bad. Watch out for her.

I would like to hear from somebody. I feel like her haircut is not Navy appropriate. It's a little hip. A little sexy for the Navy. I don't know nothing about nothing. Maybe it is. But it just, it's the way it's styled length, it just seems a little hip for the Navy. Yeah, like she's got to have like no product in it.

And it's just in like a bad ponytail. Yeah, that's exactly. A behind the head bun or something maybe. Private Rihanna, you have to take care of those bangs right now. Private Rihanna, I said, get rid of those bangs. I don't know what you think bangs are, Liam Neeson. We cut back to this fucking physical therapy hike with, Mick and Sam.

This is, I know this. Okay, so they're hiking up this mountain. A cop, a cop pulls up, says the island is under attack. I don't know. People are using the word aliens. The cop, this cop actor is just as bad as this guy. He's even worse. I think the only reason he's in the movie is to make Mick look like a better actor.

And just like, why does the, I understand again, the veterans, whatever, why does it the cop need to be a non-actor? Did you run out of money for actors? Well, we are paying for. all these goddamn ACDC songs. Get Jim Beaver in there to be like, you got to get the fuck off this mountain. And I'm like, oh shit, you gotta go out this mountain. You know what I mean? Man, I'll tell you what, Steve.

I wish I could remember what it was. The other day, Chelsea never watching something. And I thought I had a Jim Beaver spotting. But it was not. Oh, I thought for a second, I thought he was on Widows Bay for a second. But no Jim Beaver, unfortunately. Unfortunately. I'd take an MC Ganey.

Like, get the hell off my mountain. There's aliens and shit. Oh, absolutely. And also, MC Ganey was on law. So I'm used to seeing MC Ganey in Hawaiian settings anyway. He's probably still there. He just never left. Some of those dudes stuck around, which I did like totally respect.

They were like, we've lived here for six years. And it's fucking banging. And then a bunch of them were on Hawaii 50 when they remade that show. That makes sense. But yeah, I don't want to knock the guy because he's not a performer or anything like that. No. But the way that this dude says aliens with a question mark on it. So the cop is like, I don't know.

I think someone said something about aliens to which this guy goes, aliens? It is, I just, at that moment, I was like, man, he's so uncomfortable in front of the camera. You know they did a lot of takes, and that was the best one. Yeah, absolutely.

I think any time we didn't look at the camera, it was a print. You know what I mean? It's like, all right, we're good. Move along. I think they'd like hide them under shit, like, you know, put a bunch of hay over it.

Speaking of non-actors, and I'll spoil it now because it's been out for a very long time. The jump scare of Peyton Manning being in is this thing on as a date for Laura Dern. Oh, you better believe that motherfucker spikes the camera in the movie. And I am not seen that in a professional motion picture in so long. I got to say, I really dislike that movie.

I did too. I'm Bradley Cooper's bad idea. I am fucking Laura Dern. This is really beneath me I just spiked the camera I think I did a good job One ticket for Admiral Dog Oh absolutely dude

No no Peyton we're trying to make a move here Could you stop doing I know it's a jingle It's the only thing you know how to do I know Laura Dern's right there man She's right there I heard your divorce is hard. Okay. Stand up comedy seems cool.

You know what? Maybe we just have Mark Marin in this. Maybe he's just doing it. Maybe he's dating her now. Maybe that's how this is going. Have to use this special comb. WTF with Peyton Manning. Toog margarita's porpovore.

When a bit is so good, makes you forget that you've spent your entire life a Colts fan and this is basically sacrilege, but it's too funny to stop doing it. Great quarterback, great quarterback. Excellent quarterback. Not as excellent an actor. Two Super Bowls and five foreheads. So the whole package.

Evens out. That's why Eli was just a little bit worse than him because he's only got three four heads. That was true. Straight down. Well, Eli's in that fucking Toy Story commercial. Oh, boy. Toy Story inspired commercial. I think it's,

I think it's just an ESPN commercial and they're like, Oh, right. Going on the road for the big game. Oh, I've seen that 200,000 times. Yeah. Yeah. And somebody's like,

oh, hey, you bring in your toys. And whoever, I don't even remember was in the fucking commercial. And they're like, no, they stay back when I go on the road. And then like the toy, like, it's all bobbleheads of sports figurines.

Yeah. And the dude closes the door. And they all come to life and it's terrifying. And it's like, we have got to follow him. It's all of these bobbleheads Like running it's fucking horrifying I would have believed you just as much

If you said the commercial was Eli Manning playing with his light bright or something I love that these cops come up and they're like Yeah they give them all the shit that aliens are coming This mountain's closed you got to get off the road This that the other thing And then they just drive away I'd be like excuse me Potential alien invasion how about a ride back to town

Yeah that'd be nice also like this way it ensures they're doing what you ask them to do leaving the dangerous area yeah it's a movie all about respecting veterans except they won't give a ride to the double amputee honored former veteran who now has to hike back down

a mountain you for your service get walking his feet are fully exposed you can tell that he's got this you know it's not he's wearing pants he's wearing shorts shorts or whatever I would give that guy a ride I'm sorry

No, we just do that for the rest of this I don't care Oh no, he's got robot legs Well that's the worst part Hamish Lanklater comes out of this Because they have to merge him in some plot lines So he's just out And he's like oh my God

That guy's a cyborg And you know I imagine Hamish Lick Ladder is a really nice guy I feel like he must have like Apologize to the guy Before and after the take Like it's just in the script man repeatedly.

Yeah. Just like, sorry, I'll buy you a drink. I just, whatever, you know, thank you for your service. I just have to, it's, Peter's insisted on me saying this. So let me just do this real quick. I would love to do anything for, I've just, if you, if you, if ever want to, do you want to meet Miranda July? I can't do that.

Do you want to meet Miranda July? I mean, I'm sure she's very nice, but, you know, that's, uh, that's a low bid item on the silent auction. You know what I mean? Probably. I would meet Miranda July All right, Bain, good for you. But I think any veteran doesn't know who that is.

Her novels are pretty good. Sorry. They are. I read, don't you know I do? Cagillionaire was fucking cool. What? On phonics worked for me. So they retrieve an alien

that got killed on land or some shit and then warped back out to sea and Jesse Plyman says they kind of like fished him out or whatever and this is where I notice he's like his most landry because he's just kind of like he's way more aloof than like confident Jesse Plyman's characters are now

and it's a lot of like Garge I don't know they said the alien done flushed out to sea and then we just got a little net and I'm like dude oh my God I don't like you in this mode I like Jesse Plymonds a lot but he's gotten a lot of play out of a vacant stare. You know what I mean? That's breaking bad. That's the alien movie from last

year, you know, just like a little bit of a 60-yard stare he's got on it. And it's good. He's good at it, but that's like, that's one of his moves. Yeah, it works when it's like utilized the right way. But you use that weapon the wrong way, it's they done pulled him out of the water. Just nothing there.

This was shocking to me. I remember seeing this movie in theaters and thinking it was pretty bad and just having watched the game for this episode, I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong, it's not just It's awful, actually. But I had completely forgotten about the Halo Marines. Oh, yeah. They are just halo characters, aren't they?

Yeah. It's just how many different bad ideas can you squeeze into one bad movie? I don't want to just adapt the game. I want to adapt every game. Brian, do not ask Peter Berg that question. Do not fucking do that. My God, because the guy will do it. Mile 22, he put so much in there, it nearly broke the damn thing.

22 miles of bad ideas in one film. I just was checking to make sure that he is dead. No. He's not affiliated, I don't think, with the short-lived Halo TV show from 22 to 24. Spielberg was a producer on it, though.

It's bad enough that they're just absolute Halo rip-offs because I guess it was one of those things like, oh, it's a popular video game. They'll never make a movie out of that or a TV show out of that. So we could just use it, I guess. But that's the funny thing is they've been trying already to make a Halo movie at this point. And I just love that they were like,

yep, you're not making your little Halo movie, so we're just going to steal your fucking Marine costumes. They removed the helmet and this thing, I don't know, most of these aliens, it seems, for some reason have anthrax goatees, like the dude from anthrax. Scott, what's his name? from anthrax? I wrote in my notes

that the aliens look like the shitty lead singer from Stained. That was making me laugh the entire time. Also absolutely, Aaron Lewis, isn't that? Yes. Yes. Pletumetellaella or something like that is where they're from. Right before they open the helmet, we get this whole

spiel from Rihanna. I don't think she's very good, but your mileage may vary. This is where it gets a little. There's too many lines here. My dad said they'd come my whole life. They said, said we're not alone. One day we'd find them or they'd find us. And you know what else he said? He did not want to be around when the day that came. Yes, that's not great.

Brianna's dad only watches ancient aliens on the history channel. That's the problem. Scott Ian is the dude with the big good TV. Scott Ian. Yes. There it is. But turns out this alien isn't dead. They take its face mask off here. It does look a little proto-snoke. Yeah, a little proto-snoke. Yeah, a little part of us. Yeah, a little bit. I mean, they wake it up by doing a flashlight right in its eye. Yeah. And he's got Goro hands too.

That's something. Does have Goro hands. Not as musily as Goro, unfortunately. But even with all this stuff, I swear I've met this guy at a 311 concert. I swear. I just, I feel like he was in the pit at some point. And you could, you could smell him coming because it's like cigarettes smell like the whole way. Nothing but Pachuli.

You're dealing with a whole fucking boatload of Pachuli. Somehow Aaron Lewis has returned. Oh, God. Unfortunately, that guy never left. We've been asking him to leave for a while. He's become conservative. Is that right? He's got lots of shit to say.

He's a real let's hear Putin out kind of guy. Yeah. Okay. Go live there then. All new metal guys get like that. I'm just imagining Liam Neeson outside of bubble like, I'm on the outside I'm looking in

Just be thankful Dirst ain't whack He's not he's pretty cool about it He's not just one of the biggest surprises of the 21st century Met him at Fantastic Fest He was a perfectly nice guy Oh nice

That's awesome Brian were you there Was it for the fanatic? No it was just last year I can't remember what project But I went up to him and I said your music was the soundtrack of my teen years and what I didn't finish with was

and that's why I'm so fucked up but I did you know managed to thank him and shake his hand he's a very nice guy maybe he was there for the TB glow that would be nice possible oh right yeah I forgot he's in that yeah yeah good movie

great oh so a thing that happens here that the script sort of forgets about and it never happens again is the alien grabs Taylor Kitch's face yes oh my god and he has some sort of vision to I guess what's going to happen in the next 12 hours here. Well, I was just confused. He never talks about it.

He's never, right? It's never brought up again. He does a mind meld on him and they ignore it. You think that at some point he's like, I know how to beat them or something. You know what I mean? Like, it's this thing. But it never comes,

it's wild that it never comes up. It's the scene from Independence Day. Like, I saw their plan. Yeah. Like, there's so much of this movie that's just aping entire chunks out of Independence Day. It's ridiculous. But in line with the asshole.

he just stuffs it down. It's his image. It's not anybody else's. It's his. I think that's a big plot hole. In line of the assleness he stuffed it down. I like that. See something, then say something.

Please. What is absolute bullshit though is after that mind meld happens, a bunch of other aliens come in here sort of like neutralize everybody for a second while they steal their their fallen brethren back and they fly away.

Well, their buddy fell down to the pit. You got to pick them up, bro. Exactly. Pick them up. Nothing but loving the pit, man. Nothing but love. Who's got a med pack? Who's got a med pack?

We need someone over here with a med pack. Oh, man. I pulled my back out picking up change. No, man. No, brother, take a minute. Get your breath before you hit the bong again. Okay, brother. It's all right.

Don't, no, they're not going to play Amber yet. That's a couple of songs down on the set list. They're not there yet, brother. We're going to be okay. I need time in the chill out, 10. I just pulled a rock and rip. Oh, but so what happens is, so that the dude, the ship pulls away and they're like, wow, that's crazy, right? And Alex, he might as well have Taylor Kits turn right to the camera because he just goes, I got a bad feeling about this.

And I was like, you can fucking shut up with that shit. And then Jesse Plumman is like, what kind of bad feeling? This fucking aliens attacking, too. My brother was just dismantled by aliens. I do have a bit of a bad feeling about this. Is it a bad link that's prompted by a psychic link to the enemy that you're just not fucking telling us about? You dick?

Like we're going to need a whole new planet bad feeling. I mean, I got a bad feeling about this. That's Star Wars. You can't be using that. Exactly. That's why I was so fucking offended. I couldn't even believe it. Great, Taylor.

Don't get cocky. Never tell me the odds. Oh, wow. Those little pegs they shoot are just like the size of those little chicken burritos I would have at home. Throw them right into my mouth. They realize there's another alien or two like on the ship or whatever. So everybody goes hunting throughout this battleship with guns right here. And this is where that petty officer Lynch finds this.

And it's a total fucking jacked up meck suit. And this dude's just fighting him with like a wrench. something. Or an axe. He fights it with an axe because he's kind of like getting him in the lake. And the guys, the alien is sort of just like, get off me, pee on creature. He's throwing this dude all around this room. Yeah.

He scans him and it's like literally not worth it and just goes back to working. It's kind of the best insult ever. I also love that we've adapted every board game so now it's just hide and seek for 10 minutes. Like why not? Let's go. At some point, you know, I don't know if we've talked about it, the Japanese ship blows up. So now that

we're all working together and And Nagata has, is now taken, he's ceded control because he's like the big guy. He's the highest wrecking officer. Well, Taylor, not what Taylor Ketch does a whole like, you know, thank you for your good ideas. Yes. Your bridge is, your chair is my chair. Yes. And it's supposed to be this big moment of growth for Taylor Kitch, right?

It's like you're acknowledging for the character. You're acknowledging like, you know, someone else is equal to or better than you with this thing. And, you know, you're not putting up a fight. So that's like a moment of growth or whatever. but I feel like in that moment everybody would kind of be like, did you just give up command of this fucking ship, dude? That's not heroic.

Liam Neeson is not going to like this. I'm going to tell you this right now. If you tell him what happened on this ship, he might box your ears. As a true blue American, I have a problem with what you did there. I can't believe you'd be to a foreigner. Like me, I'm from Iowa.

I love that. they say it. That's how they say it. Go Jayhawks. But they realize, you know, guns don't, you know, their guns that they have don't really do anything on them. But wouldn't you know it, Taylor Kitch's character is so good at this job. He knows just what to do. He tells Rihanna, hey, go run to that like gunner station or whatever and wait for the signal and whatever.

And basically Alex runs up onto the, you know, outer deck area. And he gets the alien to sort of like, you know, like, push, them up against like the side of the boat here. Oh my God, is he going to go over? Rihanna turns the fucking huge barrel of this, you know, anti-aircraft gun or whatever. And this thing comes face to face with this fucker. It's awesome. And this is the Mahalo motherfucker. It's a great moment. We do not get the fucker at all. We get Mahala mother explosion. And then later in the film, we get, well, was it an old veteran saying mother explosion again? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You get one. I mean, you get one. I mean, you get one.

One, why can't we? I know. I guess it's the Hasbro team at some point. They're just like, this is the battleship movie. You know what I mean? We can't be saying fuck it. But like, fuck you because what little kid was like, oh, the battleship movie? I guarantee you these kids playing battleship.

If your little brother peeked around and tried to see where your fucking destroyer was, you were dropping F bombs at that kid. At least. Yeah. Maybe those heathens that Milton Bradley would have allowed this ship. But now this is Hasbro property, God damn it. Those Parker brothers probably fucking each other. It's like, no, no, they're not.

Like, you just need to calm down, Hasbro. The Hasbro's in the boardroom need to calm down. We go back to Mick and Sam. They come upon those cops that didn't give him a ride. And good thing they didn't because the aliens fucked up these cops and they're torn asunder and whatnot. And Mick is like, well, you got to go over there and get the keys off that dead cop's waistband so we can get back in the car that they left. and get out of here. So we see, you know, she's trying to get these keys

and then there's other aliens sort of hunting around. This is where the aliens keep staring at the horses. Yes. Michael Clayton horses came fucking to Hawaii, I guess. Yeah. And like, there's just a lot of like Hamish Link Ladder talking about. This is when we realize the satellite comes around every 24 hours. And if only five of these things could do this,

if they get a satellite uplink, even though like, I don't know, like, don't all the, how do we know that not all the aliens know where we are just from all of the other ship? You know what I mean? Like, why would only these aliens know where we are, whatever? Good question. Like I said, it's a plot hole.

But within the next 12 hours, the satellite will relunk again, and then all the aliens will know where we are. That's an extinction level event in the movie battleship. Okay. Yeah, I guess nobody back on planet G, wrote down the address of where that, you know, the series

of ships were going, you know? So it was like, oh, fuck, I was supposed to write that down before they left. Oh, Kodos left it for me. I can't. Does anybody know the address of where they were going? I can't. They turned off that fucking laser, so we can't follow that anymore. Has anyone tried to star 69

Earth back? What do you mean it's near Mars? How far from Mars? I need an actual count here, man. I'm just going to be roaming around Mars. Yeah, if you hit the Earth's sun, you've gone too far. You got to go back. You got to go back.

That's right. All right. Mick, I have to say, I've been knocking this guy's delivery and whatever. Mick has a funny line here where Hamish Linklater is like, I think the setup is Sam says something about this guy getting freaked out to, which Mick replies, I doubt it takes much to freak him out. I was like, that's kind of funny. That's correct.

But yes, this could cause, Hamish says, an extinction level event. if five of these ships were able to fuck up up, you know, what they were able to fuck up in the short amount of time that they did. Imagine if the whole fleet comes or whatever we're going to be totally screwed. Oh, and so then we get this is a get, he's just doing

like kind of dumb landry stuff in this movie. This is where Plemmons has the helmet on and he's like, this makes me think about my little amphibian guy that I have as a pet. I think this is like their eyeballs. Hey, Taylor Kitch, it's really wet in here. Okay, man, could you just like

do something else. Like literally anything. Because it's just, he explains the, the sunlight's going to be a problem. And I'm like, okay. I mean, you know, sure. You know, it's like one of those things where it's like, I can see that that's going to be a war of the world's kind of thing.

Precisely, yes. I think he says that their visors, like extreme sunglasses. It's amazing how often aliens don't do the proper recon work before launching an invasion. Like these aliens are like, oh shit, sunlight. They're apparently space vampires. And then it's like signs, oh shit, shit, water.

Like, yeah, that's everywhere here. Isn't their planet supposed to be just like ours? Exactly. It's like, what? Dude, but it's just right, dude. It's not exact. It's a Goldilocks planet, you see. Sure, right.

It's the little differences, you know. Well, they had porridge. I know that much. Well, like, you know, here we got quarter pounders, right? And over planet G, they got royals with cheese. I see. It's a little different. Just a little differences.

didn't go into Burger King Also went in a tech at night That's a great idea Oh yeah Yeah that comes around every few hours I mean hey they just half-assed it every way We didn't know this planet had daytime It's like are you fucking did you not

You have a line of communication now with the earth Maybe like wait five minutes Gerald Before you jump in the car and just take off on this revenge quest Hong Kong It's a plot hole Favorite Liam Liam Neeson moment Is right here where he is on the horn

With Petal Mick Nickle Chewing this dude out Because Peter Mickle's like Well you gotta just go and like ram another ship into it You gotta break down that fucking dome Liam Neeson And he's like oh yeah I'll be sending another ship up all right

I'm gonna send him up another plane Just as soon as your ass is in the co-pilot seat Why don't you try to go hunt down a painting ghost or something? Well, it's such a good burn that it just removes Peter McNichael from the movie entirely. We never see that Norad shit again. No, nothing. Nobody gave a fuck. I think he had to resign or something. In classic Liam Neeson like delivery, though, I love the way he says copilot because he says,

your ass in the co-pilot seat. Yeah, that's the I or War accent. I sure love going to Disneyland and whatnot. True blue American. Is this around the time when we finally do battleship? This is where we start full on playing fucking battleship, dude. God damn it. Yeah, Captain de Gata's like, oh, I know how to track them,

even though we can't use our normal tracking stuff. We can track them through these tsunami buoys that, by the way, the Japanese have been using to spy on Americans for decades. Taylor. This is, is this where he's like, that's a scummy fuck thing, man, and I love it. He just goes, no, super sneaky, which is very loaded to say to a Japanese military man. Yeah. Yeah. In Hawaii, FYI. Yikes.

Very, very sneaky. Do you also drink five beers in the morning? I don't, I just, you know, just asking. It's a real, tell Taylor about Pokemon Go. For the love of God, don't tell him about Pokemon Go. it's a real fucking tasteless line to leave in that movie man it just absolutely is it sure is

but yeah so they basically like if the boats because they're so big they will submerge these tsunami buoys and when they do that the sensor will go off and they'll be able to say okay this guy is in this little quadrant

right here you see and then as they bop down they start moving quadrants around this board that looks like graph paper very very unexciting. And just out.

And now we're doing E4, E2, F1 and all that. I'm so excited that we're finally doing it. Why couldn't we just remake Sink the Bismarck or Tor, tour, tour, tour, like, why the fuck are we like, we have to hold true to the game? People are showing up for the game. I think Clint Eastwood called all those. Yeah, that's okay.

You know, he had already had those under his belt. And again, like, Transformers, people have connections with that property that like, oh my God, I love this. and there's all that crazy lore. If you talk to a Transformers person, they'll fucking chew your ear off about it, which God bless them. I can talk about common books, et cetera. But my God, there's no lore.

There's nothing to battleship. It's just, it's, it's basically checkers. But they're creating it for you here. You're supposed to love Alex Hopper, Stone Hopper. Dude, are they hoppers because you hop over the fucking board too? Is that why they're hopper? Maybe. But yeah, so when we fire, they will know where we are.

has Nagata, so it's like, we got one shot at this, and then they're going to start coming for us or whatever. Around here, Hamish Link later, the movie's biggest coward gets sort of confronted by an alien. You need this guy in this moment to piss his pants. Yeah, that'd be funny. I just need to see a little puddle in the dirt, like, buy his sneaker, and just that's just what the deal is.

Because that's what this kind of character is. Also, he should have a horrible death. No, exactly. That's the thing to this movie, aside from Scars guard, None of the characters die. None. No. You know what I mean?

Like, yep. When you get Plemons v. huge roller ball and huge roller ball decides, eh, why not? Exactly. Once that happens, I'm like, nobody's dying. Everybody's fucking okay in this. Even like, um, at first time,

I Shlook later has like a sidekick who looks like, uh, what's his face? Uh, Hilly Joel Osmond as an adult for a minute. And then like, yes, he does. When you see him again, he's like, they killed my grad student. I'm like, why couldn't I, can see that. Jesus Christ. Oh, right. And but, oh man, so that's why that line didn't make any sense to me because by the time he says it, I'd already totally forgotten about that. Well, yeah, it's a while, yeah. Part of me thinks he killed that dude himself and is using the alien as an

excuse. Like, he just got tired of the lip all the time. It's like, yeah, the aliens, they got him off screen. Don't worry about it. Oh, no. This would be the perfect time for me to get my bloodlust out. I mean, the aliens are coming down, just blame it on those fuckers. It's true. So, Hamish, link later steals some device that they are able to communicate through the dome to the ship. So Sam makes contact and she is barely able

to get it out before the connection breaks, but she tells them you have to destroy the fucking towers on the top of the mountain because they're trying to do this whole scam or whatever. But then we just go back to the ship getting blow it up here and it's like, oh, 40 minutes till sunrise. And I was like,

oh, cool. 40 minutes till sunrise. 40 minutes till this movie will be over. And then it's like, you get the reminder later that it was, Sunrise was for a different thing. And then they're like, oh, well, the satellite, that's still like three hours ago. And I was like, oh, God, damn it. I thought the window on this movie was closing.

But so this is where Jesse Plemons gets to shine because Alex is like, okay, Ordi, like, we got to take the ship in close to the shore right here. And he's like, there's lots of rocks there. And he's like, well, do you think you can traverse this? And he's like, I don't know. And he's like, can you do it or not? like they have this moment and he says he can do it so this is his big competence

as a character moment he's able to sort of parallel park this thing line it up so that like when the aliens come around the corner they will be blinded by the sun rising in the east is the idea and again we are just like these interstellar ships are just being

felled by regular regular regular dicular missiles you know what I mean nothing special about them I feel like if you're doing more you're shooting at this thing and there's more shields dude eventually like Roland Emmerich's picking up the phone and yeah that's a good point

yeah it's fair so they're going you only borrow so much but yeah they're going they're going out there whatever and then you see um this is like nagata and Alex lining up in like the sharpshooter position and this is my god like he's Taylor Kitch is like

so you've been you good shot or whatever and he's like yes I'm excellent oh dude where'd you where'd you learn to shoot and so like you see nagat and he's trying to figure out he says he even says like how do you say it in english uh summer campu and then taylor kitch's character right here the fucking hero of the movie is like summer campoo summer camp oh summer camp oh and i was like what who is this for your great uncle on facebook is who that's for yeah fucking christ

Summer Campo What could it possibly Fucking be Oh my God And the crazy thing too Is then So this dude is basically like Yeah

I've been fucking shooting at targets My entire life But because it's like He learned to shoot at summer camp Alex's reaction is like Oh man Camper little camper target Like he thinks it's like

Not as significant as it is And it's like no man He's been doing it since he's a kid he's in the military so you know he's still being trained with firearms this dude does not deserve to be in the united states navy no no of course not fucking embarrassing all those days i mean his shot is perfect he takes out half a lalapalooza those fucking aliens on the deck that's fucking awesome you got a good light him up line i love a good light him up hell yeah yeah he takes out the lead sticker from the spin doctors I just don't know why the goatee is necessary.

Yeah. And he's the only one, too. The rest of them don't have it. No. Have we reached the point where the John Paul Jones is just eating shit? Yes. And oh my God, the single dumbest shot of the 2010s, when it's sinking, it's split, and it's going vertical like the Titanic.

And then they pan over and Taylor Kitch and Lord Raiden are just crawling up the side. of the ship. Perfect 45 degree angle, probably 100 feet above the water line, not holding on anything, not climbing a rope, just casually crawling upwards, like physics are just a big fucking joke. But physics be damned, before

that, you see the start of it and they're like, everybody is getting off the boat and like just very, either like you're jumping off or we've got, you know, it's a very slow sink, right? There's absolutely no reason for these dudes to climb up there. You have to have some line about like,

We got to get the fucking transmitter that's on the top or something. Because otherwise, what are you doing other than like you're going to go fucking end it all or whatever? And then like it's sinking. Is this where he's like, we got to jump. And there's not even any hesitation at all. You just see two little cartoons jump off the boat. And they jump through the propellers. I just feel like in Navy school, they're like never jump towards those spinny things or we'll kill you.

I would just like one line to explain how they are completely defying gravity. Like, is this the USS Peter? Parker because otherwise that's bullshit. Is it the fucking Forcefield is interrupting something? Yeah. So we go back to Mick and this is another good Mick delivery. I'm going to give Mick all

his good delivery flowers here but they realize like oh if we can maybe distract them shut down the operation for a second. We can buy some time so he says let's see if we can't buy the world another day. And I was like absolutely action movie line. All right buddy.

I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take So that's what they're doing And meanwhile And again like They finally They're like we need a new ship And like oh we could use the The Missouri but it's a museum

Who could run it? And where are these guys even coming from? I think they're running to the museum This is like we're at the gift shop They're like the Walmart greeter They wave at you when you walk in So they're dressed like old timey sailors Like you're working at a fucking

Historical Society and you've got to be in character the whole time. The one guy goes full Popeye and somebody's got to talk to him. Somebody's got to take him aside and be like, look, man, it's a cartoon. We need like actual fucking soldiers here, not the fucking guy who likes spinach.

Yeah, I mean, I get that they have a close bond to this vessel, but they're hanging out in strategic corners of the ship like they're shooting an album cover. What the fuck is happening? A couple of these guys look like they should be with Gene Kelly being told that the Bronx is up and the batteries down. I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. Do you think these are

ghosts? That would explain so much. That would be so amazing if all the ghosts from Pearl Harbor emerge and be like, we're going to help you defeat the aliens. I will take ghost boat over a Grampy boat every day to week.

That's what we lose when Canon films no longer is in business. Because you know they'd be like, no ghosts. These guys got to be ghosts. It can't be soldiers. Absolutely not. Dude, aliens versus ghosts. I'd like to see that. Admiral Dog, your new commission is Grampy Ghost Ship.

Eric, I think the sci-fi channel hooked you up with that at least twice over the last 30 years. I'm going to start watching those. You know, Commander, it's not known by many, but dogs can actually see ghosts and they can talk to them. You don't say, Admiral! It's a little known fact that dogs are the little people that can withstand the elderly. They're the only ones. but yeah I do man I really love the need to borrow your boat you thunderstruck montages we're like get the old girl ready for the sea again was that one thing

it was like what are you having mine young young fella or yeah there's that there's listen I love that these real veterans are all more than willing to go to hell tonight to fight these You got the one guy that's like, ready to rock and roll. I'd rather get blown apart by a spitty thing than whatever's going on inside my body right now. Load the torpedo pay. I'm busy. I'm getting a reverse mortgage right now. I'll do it after.

I just wanted one guy when he yells out, I need to borrow your boat to be like, what? Well, Miriam's been dead for 10 years now and I've eaten prunes for every meal for three years. years. You know what? Take me to the darkness of death tonight. Honestly, yeah, let me go down to Davy Jones locker. Wait a second. Let me call Colonial Penn first to see if alien death is covered. But William Devane said it was worthwhile. How do I say otherwise? And like, as again, like the reverence, it makes sense, but it's just silly in a bad movie when a Taylor Kitchens is like, gentlemen, you guys have given more than anyone could possibly ask. And I apologize, but we are under siege by new metal aliens. And I will need to ask

you to give to your country once more to send them back to the Family Values Tour. Oh, don't worry, young buck. I'm down with the sickness. Also, when they're selling these old timers on Help Us Start This Boat Up, I'm pretty sure Taylor Kitch and Co. know what's going on here. Because if you'll notice around that room when we're talking to these old fellas and you've sacrificed, I got to ask you for one more job, this, that, and the other thing. Captain Nagata?

Nowhere to be found. Oh, definitely. Dude, just let's, you know what, man? You're being a huge hero right now, but these guys, they're very set in their ways. Let's just hang outside. I think there's a deleted scene of one of these old guys shooting him. I got the alien.

Listen, Nagata, just, he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. He doesn't know what he's saying. He's from another time, Nagata. We just, we got to band together and beat these mud veins. We've got to do it tonight. So let the bodies hit the floor.

It is what you're saying. Yes. The ocean floor. Where's that song in this movie? Come on. I will. I do like the exchange between the two old timers is the one guy, because they explain the plan, we got to blow up this control tower or whatever.

And the guy goes, are we really firing on Oahu? And the other guy goes, it appears so. And then this guy just goes, holy shit. It's a nice one. You know, a little cute old man swearing. I love it. I would have been happy if the whole movie was just grampy boat quite honestly. Yeah, honestly, sure.

Why not? Something, something in here. Taylor Kitch has previously brought up the art of war before. And Captain de God is like, that's a Chinese book, man. But yeah, as a matter of fact, I had read it. Because he's doing like the, you know, your people and your art of war. and he's like, dude, God damn it. But then he thinks about it later.

He's, oh, yeah, the art of war. And it's like, we're going to fire in another direction to, you know, make them think we don't know where they are or whatever. And then he does this maneuver that I feel like it would just rip this fucking boat to shit. Oh, easily. He drops the anchor down. And when it hits, he makes the boat just pivot so they miss the board game pieces being shot at them. Well, he basically does like the Fast and the Furious, like,

e-break spin. Yes. Oh, he Tokyo drifts that battleship. What'd you say about Tokyo? What? What? What are they doing now? We're going to set it a drift. Let's take this battleship to Tokyo. Nagata, go to the bathroom. Nagata, go to the bathroom right now. Just, just got anywhere. I don't know where to go on.

We're going to finish the war. I just love that Taylor Kitch hears fight the enemy where they aren't and interprets it as the Riker maneuver. Yes. Yes. This is where the other old time He goes, let's drop some iron on this motherfucker Again, no fucker

But I would love the old guy saying fucker That'd be nice. Yeah, come on Just fucking find me someone under 17 years of age That gave a flying fuck about Battleship the movie. It's second only to children cursing as funny. It's kids cursing and then old people cursing. That's the list. And then, you know, everybody else.

that little leager facing the robot just like fuck hilarious hilarious so whatever they fucking fight these gleep gloops the dome goes down Liam Neeson immediately sends planes in that'll be helpful for the end of the movie here but the gleep gloops are they've powered up the tower again so they're getting ready for this satellite

situation this is where like Mick and Sam crash the car in here and shut down their electrical because we just have to have these guys doing heroic shit at the end of this movie for some reason. And how Mitch Liglater redeems himself because Brooklyn Decker is stuck and here he comes to save her ass.

And he says, I'm going to friggin save you? Yes, he does. What a frickin' save you. He's like Dr. Evil all of a sudden. There's another one of those commercials going around. They sure are. They're back. I think it's... I don't know if it's Verizon maybe, but it's you got Dr. Evil, you got Scott Evil. Rob Loe's

young number two is back. and frau farbissina herself i haven't had the pleasure but didn't he just announced right there's there's going to be another austin powers movie someone at like a fan convention was like we ever going to get another austin powers movie and he just said yes oh okay so who know are we ever going to get a second saving silverman i mean come on i've just been waiting around and like nobody says anything where is my battleship two uh so whatever they They only have one round left and the thing that they're going to shoot it out of his broken. So all these dudes have to carry this thousand pound fucking missile over to the other,

or torpedo over the other torpedo bay here. Meanwhile, Mick is fighting with this alien. He has the whole, like, I got this. And he rips the helmet off and he's punching this blind alien in the face, which is kind of funny. A lot more play for Mick than I would have expected in this film. You get POV of like the aliens seeing Mick beating him up. it's pretty pretty ridiculous the alien dude

I gotta tell you I'm a little bit disrespectful of your opponent here this dude fucking grabs him Mick by his legs and flips them out from under him and I was like I don't know alien

that's disrespectful that's a Hobbs and Shaw fight move I believe he also knocks the teeth out of the alien that's kind of fun I didn't know you can do that for an alien that's cool yeah yeah

because he's tough but I too well I guess it's all the meth on that planet yeah yeah look it's a goldilocks planet dude they have meth the meth is just right

it's more dangerous than ours I tried three bowls of meth and this one was perfect but Mick is about to eat shit this alien is about to like fucking stab him with this thing or something and then here comes Hamish Linklater off the top rope hitting him with this briefcase

like he's fucking IRS of the WWA nice Paul Jupin Irving R Scheister making a running into this podcast absolutely oh man but then this is where Steve this is where he goes calm down I'm gonna friggin

save you yeah and I wrote down I think this is the most unlikable character Hamish Linklater I've ever seen him play even worse than uh what he called there the priest and uh in that mass yes absolutely he seemed nice that priest seemed nice

because that guy you know he had a clear vision of what he wanted he was confident he knew what he could do it and like yeah sure all the stuff that went on, but also like, I feel like he was less of an asshole than this character is. I co-signed it. Yeah, day to day, yes. Also, it's a thing where, like, it's a character because he's a coward.

He's, like, trying repeatedly to not be in the movie, and you know he's going to be in the movie. He does that, like, oh, I'm not going to go with you. I'm done with this shit. Give me my briefcase. And you're like, all right, man. I don't want to be watching this either, Hamish, but at least you got fucking paid for it to be in the movie. get my coat yes go

seriously but yeah we've only got this one round left or whatever so it's like oh we got to fire it on the island and uh oh that means we're going to die because the aliens are firing on our boat but if we don't you know if we fire on the aliens

and not on the station more aliens come so here we go and wouldn't you know it right when it looks like the Missouri is all done for here's Liam Neeson's fighter jets come in and shoot the rest of the aliens to shit. Yay. Yeah.

If only because it gets us to the epilogue of this horrible movie. Jesus Christ. And it's a medal ceremony just like fucking Star Wars. Yes, it is a big metal ceremony. Oh, man. Liam Neeson's given out an award to Mick

for his valor. Stone getting this posthumous award. I gotta say, again, the guy didn't really do much heroics. Like, I get it, Liam Neeson. I get it, but come on. And how many other people died in this? fucking offensive, you know? Yep, exactly. But just the one guy from true blood, because he was

from true blood, he gets a posthumous thing that Alex has to accept right here. And this is Liam Neeson, like, and by the way, it was so fucking cool how you vanquished those aliens. You're not getting kicked out of the Navy after all. You're the best Navy guy that's ever navied in the Navy. You're getting promoted in the Navy, and you're getting promoted to Sun and Law as well. I'm going But joke with you a little bit and make you think that you're not getting it. But yes, you can fuck my daughter, absolutely. You'll have to ask me to fuck my daughter because I'm old-fashioned and I'm so old-fashioned that I have to watch the first time.

You're not doing it right. My daughter likes it this way. That's right. And because I'm no fool, I know that, well, I'm old-fashioned, you're not. So I know you've already been fucking my daughter. That's right. I think about you fucking my daughter. every day.

No, no, that's not how she likes to be taken. You should just be thankful that I didn't do the prima nocta that I was planning. Your own daughter, yeah. Well, I never mentioned it's actually my stepdaughter. Oh, there you. So it's cool. Oh, no, she's stuck in the bubble. Yes, exactly.

But, oh, so, yeah, so they have this whole thing that's like, yes, and all are, you know, honored dead. and whatever and we're cutting to like what is like a post funeral basically right and you are playing band of horses the funeral that is so fucking what are you doing why why would you do this

whatever this music coordinator was like all right we need a fucking song that comes after the funeral and they went to fucking Apple music and just typed in funeral went to the title part was like oh the funeral perfect you nailed it fucking fuck you with that I couldn't that's a fucking awesome song on a really awesome

Band of Horses album. But it is just so grossly inappropriate to use here. Just looking at the credits, music supervisor, Pandora. Yes, okay. That makes sure. Oh, that's why there was that roundup commercial halfway through the movie.

The subway commercial makes sense now, too. Oh, it does. Yeah, it all fits. But the way that Liam Neeson plays a little trick on this guy, so he goes and he asks for permission, and he says, no. Oh, yeah, no. Now I'm going to get lunch. I think I'll have a delicious chicken burrito. Have you heard about...

It was almost worth the two hours of sitting through this shit to hear Liam Neeson say chicken burrito. Have you heard about Taco Bell Cantina? I heard you could get delayed there. You know, the chicken nuggets... I don't fucking have breakfast anymore. You know, the chicken nuggets, they make them with tortilla chip breading now.

It's delicious. You really have to try it. You could get it with Diablo. dust. Yeah, you can. Oh, if I have too much Diablo dust, I'll be taking a walk among the tombstone. Brian, you've brought this up a couple times now,

and I'm kind of curious if you know the timetable, you brought up that Taco Bell got rid of the breakfast. But when we were in Los Angeles in late February, our hotel was conveniently across the street from a Taco Bell, where you guessed it, I got Taco Bell breakfast one morning. Oh, so they've just taken it a Taco Bell. away in Texas. Oh, fuck, dude. The worst right that Texas has ever stripped from any of its citizens is clearly Taco Bell breakfast. Now you've gone too far, Greg Abbott, too far. Well, I'm glad you can still

enjoy it. I can't believe. God damn it, Taco Bell. You'll be hearing from my attorneys. I'm going to check up here, actually, and see what the deal is with the Taco Bell I got around the corner here in New York. Get to the bottom of this fucking breakfast mystery. Go upstate if you have to. If there's a fucking Taco Bell an Oneonta that fucking has breakfast. I'm telling you. Go up there and get it. Say it just ends with Taylor Kitch, giving this girl a high five, and he's going to go have lunch with his future father-in-law, I guess. We're playing fucking Fortunate Son at the end here,

and it's a little closer to be inappropriate, but also not. Like, I don't think it works. No, because, I mean, like, Fortunate Son is about, like, it's not pro-military. It's like, it's actually, it's not a fuck the military song either, but it's also not specifically not pro-military. So it's just very bizarre. About how the poor gets fucked over.

You might want to share that information with every war movie I've ever seen, by the way. That's fair. It's kind of a born in the USA kind of a thing. Sure, sure, sure. People like, some folks are born and they're like, yeah. Well, it's like born to raise the red, white, and blue. But that's not what the song wants you to do if you listen to the song. Ooh, just recently, fuck.

I'll have to ask Chelsea. She might remember. Just recently, there was a misuse of born in the USA. And I was like, still, you're still fucking it up? Oh, yeah. Staines Aaron Lewis didn't understand that either. Oh, that must have been what it was. That's got to be what it was.

Yeah. But that is the end of the movie. I will say one last thing I wrote down, fun credits. Some fella just credited as fat guy at the bar. Oh, yes. And there's a 14-minute fucking stinger scene. Oh, the stinger scenes. The train spotting kids fucking rip it up this thing.

And I just could not care less. Nope. I don't care. Yes. This is again just the fucking cultural ignorance by people who made this movie. It cuts and it's like we had the line already at the beginning of the movie. Something landed in Scotland. We go, you see a field.

It's like Highlands, you know, North Highlands, Scotland. We're very much in fucking Scotland. Yeah. These kids run a crew, oh, what's that? We're looking and trying to get the big town mechanic to come try to open the alien ship. What are we going to do? and they start blasting Irish American band

Dropkick Murphys Hang them high once again And I was like You know they're two different Fucking countries, right? We already paid for it But you know You know though that some asshole

Was like it's all the same Yeah Fuck you It's just I couldn't believe it But yeah I'm more angry at the idea That they were trying to set up a sequel To this fucking

Yeah, I seriously Take that ball and go home Fuck you Like who cares about these daily, it's nobody. Absolutely nobody. But that is now officially the end of this fucking movie. We'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts and recommendations.

And we'll start with our guest this week. Brian, final thoughts and recommendations possibly? Oh, heavens no. I'd legitimately rather watch two people play shoots and ladders for two hours. I think there's more drama in that. And I can follow what the hell is happening. I would say if you want to see elements of this movie done way better, I'm going to say it again, Iron Eagle 3, currently available with ads on

Amazon, which I know because I watched it today. It's crazy that the Iron Eagle sequels are available, but we were going to do Iron Eagle One recently, and it was no longer on streaming, we don't want to make people buy it to watch along. Never say bye, Iron Eagle. That's why we got fucked over and I had to do that episode on

Top Dog. But that turned out fun. Yeah, that's true. That's fun. Yeah, so, you know, blessing in disguise. Steve Sadek, how are you feeling? No, it's awful. It's one of the worst. It's just really obnoxious. It's not funny. it's not exciting. And I hate those Transformer movies,

but at least they are doing it. I don't even, I don't, at least they are doing it. At least they're doing it. At least it's Michael Bay actually being Michael Bay as well as somebody trying to be Michael Bay. So I'll give them that credit. So yeah, no thank you. Mr. Ciske?

Absolutely not. I actually do think this is one of the worst movies ever made. Yep. I really, really can't stand this. That's me. There you go. Chris Cabin. Yeah, this is really bad.

You should not watch it. It's nice to see Asano. I love the guy. He was great in Shogun recently, and he's just always great. So I was, that's my half star. My star and a half on Letterbox is just Asano being in this period. But otherwise, absolutely worthless. Get it out of here.

Yeah, it's bad. I was reminded just talking about this movie today when I saw it in theaters Yep This This dude It was amazing

It's one of those Like You find somebody in an audience And you can't stop looking at them And so I feel like The first time I watched this movie I watched that This guy in front of me

More than I watched the actual movie This dude When I tell you Was so into this movie Like he was he was literally, literally, on the edge of his seat. He was seated forward on the chair, staring just so into battleship the movie.

Was he one of the veterans that's in the movie, maybe? That was the thing. It was like, he wasn't an old timer. Like, he was older than me, maybe, you know, maybe he was like in his, I'd say like maybe the late 50s or something like that, but not like, he wasn't a World War II veteran or whatever, but it was just this guy that was like so keyed in. And for like a second or two, I was kind of jealous because I was like, man, at least like he's not hating his time sitting in this theater right now.

What movie is he watching? Yeah, honest to God. I was like, do you have something in your glasses? Are you watching Seinfeld on like, you know, video glasses in 2012? Probably not. But I mean, you know, nobody cared. Domestically $65 million. International was 3.13 and a half.

So bigger, but still not great. So I think it's safe to say we'll never see another one. of these again, which is totally fucking fine. But Brian, thanks so much for coming on, man. This was a lot of fun to finally have you on. One more time for the folks finishing up the episode here. Tell us about junk food cinema and where they can find what you guys do.

Well, I appreciate very much y'all having me on. Unlike watching this movie, the two hours with y'all flew by very quickly. You can find junkfood cinema, patreon.com slash junkfood cinema. If you would like to financially support the show and gorge yourself on some content, we are there.

We're also on all the social medias. And it's me and C. Robert Cargill, who is a former film critic turned screenwriter for movies like Dr. Strange and Sinister and Black Phone, etc., etc. And we do this every week, except that we actually watch movies we like. So this was a fun chance to not be very nice today. We'll come back anytime, man. Yes, please. But that is going to do it, yes, for the illustrious battleship, the movie. but if you want more We Hate Movies, including episodes like this one, completely commercial free, head over to that Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies where, yes, every Tuesday, the new episodes of WHM come out of the oven, no commercials attached to those bad boys. But also, you also have access to our family of shows over there. So this month, we've been going through a lot of really awesome stuff already. Back up at the top of the month, on the ninth we released our We Love Movies episode for the month on Sam Ramey's Spider-Man 2. That was a lot of fun.

If you were listening to this on the day it comes out, which is Tuesday the 14th. Steve, this Thursday, the 16th, we got a new Melro 210 coming out. Yeah, we're just continuing on with Amanda's cancer nonsense. We're doing more college stuff. We're learning about ourselves. We might even be going to class. I'm really hoping this month we might go to class for the first fucking time at this college. And Melrose's place also, I think we're finally seeing Jake get his claws into Jane.

moving through that apartment complex. He's like a venereal disease for Melrose Place. And next Tuesday, the 21st at 8 p.m. for the Craven tier supporters over on our Patreon. It is indeed, you guessed it, the July edition of W.HM. After Dark. That's where we go live at 8 p.m. Eastern and vibe and vibe and take a look at questions that you leave for us to answer for you.

It's very fun show. Get your questions ready. That's right. Yeah, you got a whole week right from today. So it's 8 p.m. Eastern. Be on the lookout for the listing for that to post on Monday the 20th so you can get your questions in that way. Or you can ask them live on the air,

and sometimes we get to those two. So those shows are a lot of fun. You don't want to miss it. Next week also, there is an animation damnation coming out we have and a Gleap glossary, which we will tell you who they are when we have them. But if you're unfamiliar with what those shows are, if you knew here, animation damnation.

Steve, what do we do on that sucker? It's just a fun cartoon recap show. We're making fun of stuff. We just did a really fun one on He-Man last month. It's our longest running of these sideshow. It's super fun. That's right. And the Gleep Glossary, Eric, that's your baby.

Yeah, this is a side show where I tell the guys the history of a Star Wars side character. for instance, Lack Sivrak and people of that ilk. I think the last few months we did Moth Gerd Gerard. We've done Django Fett recently, Darth Sidious, and it's a lot of fun. I use a soundboard on that, so it gets wacky. Hell yeah. And the end of this month, we will be debuting the next edition of our modern horror recap show, which is called Scarity Cats.

That is a video podcast that you can get an audio form. don't worry. But that is another thing for a Craven tier, top tier subscribers. It's us. We are going to be talking about evil dead rise

as voted by you, the audience. That's a cool thing about Scarety cats is there's a poll that goes out at the end of each episode and you,

the Patreon supporter, get to pick from the two titles that we present and y'all picked Evil Dead Rise. We'll be going back to the apartment complex

this month. And if you sign up for that too, you get all these other Scaity Cat video, full video and audio episodes like Barbarian, 28 years later.

That's the tier you want to be on. You get everything. That's the top top shelf. That's daddy's old medicine cabinet. A blue label right there. Speaking of top shelf, prime bottles of awesomeness, the end of the month, we will be releasing the next episode

of our Star Trek Recap show The Nexus, which does lead me into reminding you all. Tickets are on sale for our three-night residency in Las Vegas this summer at STLV, the world's biggest, most badass Star Trek convention. We're going to be out there. They're celebrating 60 years of Star Trek this year. We're celebrating 10 years of the Nexus as well,

which is a nice sort of lining up here. But we'll be out there. The 6th, 7th, and 8th, we were doing the Nexus live, talking about three different Star Trek movies each night that we love. It's not going to be a bash fest. It's very much a love fest with Star Trek. That Thursday, the 6th, Steve Sadek, what movie are we talking about? We are talking about Star Trek 2, The Wrath of Khan.

Oh, fuck, yeah, dude. Boat Wars and Space, love it. And then on that Friday, the 7th, Chris Gavin? We're talking about generations, and we're going to have some Malcolm McDowell impressions that'll take the hair and it just turned it white, right? White. Of course, you also got some great scenes of the Whipster in that movie, a lot of fun.

And then Eric Siska, we're closing out the residency night three on Saturday of the age. Star Trek First Contact. This contains Data's second sexual awakening, I believe. Second to many. That's the good stuff. The board queen just takes him right to bed. So yes, all that and more every month on the WHM Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies.

But as always, every Tuesday, the show continues on We Hate Movies. Steve, the summer blockbuster extravaganza. Getting ready to wind down. What are we talking about next week? Oh, get ready for the bachelor party to end all bachelor parties. It's American wedding, and I am dreading. dreading excited. Come, pie.

Yep. Oh, my God. So until next week with the Bachelor Party. I've been Andrew Jupin. Steven Zedach. Eric Siska. Scrabble. Brian Salisbury.

Take it easy.