We Hate Movies - S16 Ep877: King Ralph (1991, Live in Oxford)

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

Recorded Live in Oxford, England, 20 July, 2025  “He gets the crown put on his head, the Hobbits are there, it’s an amazing time” - Eric on Ralph’s CoronationOn our first Summer Live episode of the season, we’re releasing our outrageous show from closing night of last year’s residency at the Oxford Comedy Festival! This show was an incredible end to a super-fun run of six shows we had at the festival and wowza, King Ralph is certainly something, isn’t it? Is this moment-of-death photograph that starts the film technically a snuff pic? Aren’t they asking way too much of this bumbling buffoon for only being King a couple weeks? How much cash did Burger King sink into this cinematic misadventure? And is there a single scene here with a sober Peter O’Toole? PLUS: One of King Ralph’s first decrees: invade Jug Nation!King Ralph stars John Goodman, John Hurt, Camille Coduri, Richard Griffiths, Leslie Phillips, James Villiers, Joely Richardson, Julian Glover, Rudolph Walker, and Peter O’Toole as Sir Cedric Willingham; directed by David S. Ward.This episode is brought to you by Storyblocks! Head to STORYBLOCKS DOT COM SLASH WHM ot access the human-made stock media library that’s essential to your workflow. For a limited time, they’re offering 15% off any annual plan, and that discount is only available through our link. Again, that’s STORYBLOCKS DOT COM SLASH WHM for 15% off annual plans!Come hang out in Vegas with us THIS WEEKEND (August 6-8) as we do a three-night stand at ST:LV to celebrate 60 years of Star Trek and 10 years of The Nexus! We’ll be at the convention Thursday, Friday and Saturday night doing three Nexus shows on Wrath of Kahn, Generations, and First Contact! Best part is, you don’t need to have a convention pass to attend, each show is ticketed separately. Click through to snag your tix now!Be sure to visit the WHM Merch shop over on Dashery and check out all the latest show-related designs you can slap on t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, stickers, whatever! Make your friends jealous by flaunting some WHM merch today!Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

These dog days of summer are here. Give me an ice bucket. Summer, give me an ice bucket and a bucket of burgers, please. Yes, the hottest burgers, which it seems counter to, but that grease will cool you down. Hot grease in your stomach cools you down. I believe you, Doc. Yes, we are, of course, on summer vacation, and we are here to spend the month, introducing our live recordings for y'all that give us a little bit of time out of the studio.

We can run up to the mountains to the clubhouse and hang out. Yes. Eat a bunch of burgers just like King Ralph does in this movie. You know, these live episodes are so fucking great. I wish I could go to one. You know what I mean? I live in the Las Vegas area. Oh, well, have we got a show for you in the Las Vegas area?

Yes, we're going to be there, what, in a day or two? If you're listening to this on the day, it comes out, which is. August of the 4th, we are starting up a three-night run at the Rio as part of STLV, the world's biggest and most badass Star Trek convention. This Thursday, a run of three shows starting this Thursday, Thursday, Thursday. That's right. We're going to be doing, we're going to kick it off with one of the best, if not the best, Star Trek to the rats of God.

Yes, hell yeah, dude. Friday night, late show, dirty show, generations. I'm excited to revisit Star Trek generations with, of course, you and attendance. And then Saturday night we'll be doing first contact, my personal favorite of the Star Trek phones. I can't wait to talk about it. It's going to be so awesome. You do not need to have a

convention pass or any of that stuff. It's separately ticketed. So come out to Vegas. Sorry, we learned heart attack burger went out of business, but there's plenty of other great places to eat. That grease will cool you down, is what I'm saying. You understand what I'm getting out there? The grease cools you down. That's right.

Y-O-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Bqueton-Bqueton-Bquet. And then bring your own body bag too. So this episode we are here to present to you this week is a live recording from last summer's residency. Another residency at the Oxford Comedy Festival. This was the close out. This was the last show of a six show stand at that place. And this was right after the worst heat wave I've ever been a part of. The venue decided to use a cross breeze situation during these latter shows.

Which helped a lot, I'll be honest. Totally. You could hear all the lorries driving by outside, but it was completely fine. I would rather hear some automobile noise than die of heat stroke. So by the time we were at night three, which is what you're about to hear, the audience was well used to our American shenanigans. We were well used to their lack of air conditioning in Europe. It was a real blast. A lot of John Goodman talk, obviously.

A lot of Burger King talk, obviously. Obviously. It's a real fun one. And it's, you know, it's one of those things. It was a year ago. None of us really remember it. So, like, us right now, like, when you put this on, we're going to be listening to it, too. So we're going to be rehearing this show.

Like, what the heck were we talking about? And we should also quickly mention that on Patreon this month, a new in-studio recorded episode on Pulp Fiction is about to be available. That's right. That is coming out. Also, this Thursday, that is locked and loaded, ready to go for you. And because we will not be back at the end of this, of course, the live shows, they just exit out fade to black and so on. Steve Seda quickly tell us what our audience can expect from next week's live

episode. Next week's live episode will be the Total Recall and I just want to put it out there if you're a VHS trailer game fan maybe definitely download that one. Oh, you may definitely download that one. Okay. Hell yeah, I like that. I like that. So we'll see you next week but until then please enjoy us talking about King Ralph Live in Oxford, England. How much royalty can you buy for 49 cents? One drop.

A royal bubble bar. One tiny shard. A royal Ming bars. Or a sandwich fit for a king. King Ralph's royal deal at Burger King. When you buy any size fries and a soft drink, get a double cheeseburger for 49 cents. A meal truly fit for a king. King Ralph's Royal Deal at Burger King.

When I couldn't afford by us mud. There's something special about. This is our sixth show in three nights. Yeah. Yep. Oh, yeah, that's it. And the last one. We did it.

We're not coming back. This is the last one for this year, at least. Don't come back tomorrow expecting two more. No. We don't got it. But we thought, you know, what a fabulous way to end a fabulous time here. Then covering a movie about an American pig who goes to the UK and thunders.

fucks the whole thing for you. Fabulous time. No, I got nothing. You tried. It's all right. It's King Baby. That's what the movie should be called. It's king baby.

It probably originated as that as like a child has to inherit the throne. They're like, what if we got John Goodman for this? It feels like big. Yes, it does. A little bit, a little bit, man. Also, that commercial with the 49 cent double cheeseburger, it looks like looking at action comics that it's five cents.

That's like another world to me. Burger King had to have taken a bath on that. Seriously. Right. Well, because clearly that deal, as good as it is, is not going to satisfy King Ralph. No, no, no. We already know this. Well, no, that's sort of 49 cents.

You get eight of them, you understand. That, that was a royal banquet. Oxford, how many of you all are familiar with the show we run on the Internet? Ooh. Ooh, yeah. I like that. Nice. How many people came into all six shows?

Clap. Hey. Thank you. Real Road Warriors. Love that. If this is your first time seeing us live, we're a comedy show where you take a movie Good, Better, Otherwise.

Bad or otherwise. Bad. And talk about it for a little while. Make fun of it. Poked some holes in it. And this is King Ralph from 1991, directed by David S. Ward. Now, what a filmography here.

Oh, my dear. The first two Major League movies. Okay. Down Periscope. Uh-huh. Wow. And then he directed that James Connard. college football movie. Oh, the program?

Oh, God. He should be an award like an insane asylum. Lock this man up. Doesn't seem like he's steeped in British lore, honestly, by that football. Well, my other's the script. No. You tell me this is inaccurate? I'm going to guess so.

I think a few things are off. This is all I know. This and Middle Earth. Yeah, that's up the road. It's just amazing that, like, you know, this Major League, Major League, Major League to These All Makes and Stap Parascope And then the program, which is a really intense movie about

like college football And like James Con being an abusive coach, I'm like, why would you Who? Allow that. Well, that was like the first one though. So that was like his career and then it was like maybe sports guy thing. Yeah. But then sports guy turned into the major league movies, which isn't the same as the James

Khan college football movie. I guess, but did you really think there were going to be knee slappers when like fucking some college football player almost gets run over by it? a car. I think that's kind of funny. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. What I think is kind of funny is the summary of this movie on Apple where I had to rent this. A regular

guy, John Goodman, from America becomes King of England after a Royal Wipeout. Yep. Puts him next in line. Whip out. I know if you all have this show, but in America we've got wipeout, which is like idiots falling off slides into pools.

And as soon as I read Royal Wipeout, I'm just imagine all these royals falling off shit. Some retired ESPN announcers, like, there goes another one down in the pool. Just can't grab the gravel, get to run over a pit. We should call it what it is. This is a Pruder picture. Yes. I wonder if he got hold of that photograph, would you see go off in the picture there?

You're getting the photograph right at the time of all that death. Yeah. Is that a snuff pick? It definitely is. It's a haunted photograph. See, if they took one right before, they were 23 grams heavier. 21, I believe. Well, for me, and for King Ralph, it's 23.

This is also the beginning of a really cool Japanese horror movie, if you think about it. All these royals coming through the walls like, oh, I got this really cool photograph. They're like puking black slime and stuff. Yeah, exactly. Always comes back to black slime. You know the tabloids would spend like a hundred million pounds getting that photo. Oh, absolutely. You blasted.

I want to be clear, you're about to get some real American ignorance on display. We're going to get. So much shit wrong. So much shit, right? Oh, yeah, of course. I love how the movie has to start with, it's like Buckingham Palace once upon a time to tell you that this is not real.

Like not based on a true story. Once upon a time, it's a fairy tale. As a kid, I walked in late. I thought it was all real. I didn't see that disclaimer. I don't want to hear your complaints, all right? Just keep it to yourself. This is once upon a time?

So is it legal to show the entire royal family getting wiped out? Is that, is that, because I, so you never in England can you just watch the entire royal family meet a grisly, grisly end? Including kids. There's like very prominent children being electrocuted. There's little kids all over this thing, which is very funny. But I don't understand what the impetus is to get this photo out of the way. Like, you've got the fake king and he's like, wow, we haven't got the band back together in six years.

Just fucking take it inside. It's been raining. I mean, the puddles with all the electrical equipment. A dude very prominently takes like a big fat electrical cord and shakes it off real quick and shoves it into it. Yeah, that'll do it. We just pour the water out. It worked every other time. And why are you wondering the cables under them?

What? It's just awesome. They all get electrocuted. I guess that's, that would be the funniest way to kill an entire family. Because it's, because it's goofy, right? You don't want like an explosion or, you know. Plain crash. And you don't want any like that

It's got to be as stupid as possible What if we went even cartoonier with it Like we hit the all right take a photo And you do it And then you see the photograph And everyone's a skeleton with like sticked up hair Ooh yes dude They all look like Daniel Stern and home alone

Exactly Like 60 people all in a row I think this movie would be better with ghosts Like if those all these royals are ghosts in the house now You gotta give him somebody to talk to other than said Said is fucking ordering around Give him friends. This guy is begging.

He's very lonely to the point where he's going to set the fucking royal family on fire. You need, you need, like, in the middle of the movie, it gets very stale very quickly because, I mean, like, he's a fat American and he's the king.

It gets tired real quick. It's a 73-minute idea stretched out to a 94-minute movie. Look, what if he had, what if he had an entourage that showed up? You know what I mean? Or anything?

What happened to his family? Would someone take their picture, too? Well, he mentioned something about, like, his parents are long, dead or whatever. But he's got some Duke grandfather that banged somebody and that's why he's there and there's a big portrait

of John Goodman in the royal palace. What if he's talking to the ghost of that guy? And it's just two John Goodman's. Who love Burger King. But do your point, Steve, it would be great if they had an entourage of some kind like, oh no, you don't need Turtle to get

the Bose headsets. We could get that for you, your majesty. Just some dude from Jersey. trying to do stuff for King Ralph, but he can't do it. Yeah, no, I totally love that. Something like that. And anything, give him anybody, but yeah, he's got Cedric, which is the late great Peter O'Tooil

in this movie. Uh, he's just fucking drunk in every frame. Absolutely. Like, varying degrees of drunk. When they go on the fox hunt, that dude is just kind of like, have a sleep. He fell out of the carriage again. Ah, shit. Fuck. Okay, somebody get him.

We can break. He can break very easy. I watched this twice, like this week, and I was envious of that man. Why can't I just be pickled and slowly going over? Well, it's a career low point for like almost every actor that it appears in it. Yeah. Like Peter O'Toole, great actor.

John Goodman, great actor. John Hurt, great actor, right? You know what I mean? Richard Griffiths, Master of the Stage. Yes. Also those Harry Potter movies. Well, he did naked gun too, and that's really the top of the top of the pop sir. Yeah, that was the top of the pops for him. But yeah, everybody's slumming it, which is fine. It's just a

shitty middle of the road comedy I guess so Peter Atul is instructing everybody we have to have this huge research session to track the line of succession you just have this montage of these dudes in a huge library with these massive bound books which I guess are filled with everyone's birth certificates and I know you think this is a funny premise

that would never happen but we have a Chicago Pope now so that's true look out Europe we're coming back you're next that I mean that's a movie that you could put John Goodman and Chicago Pope is like, give you another hot dogs. Well, if he keeps on asking for

candy and for people to change his nappies, I don't know if that's going to happen. Give me a Chicago dog and you cover up all those child sex crimes, okay? Could we sort of, could we reboot this movie as Pope Ralph and Goodman could do it now? Pope Ralph the first. Yeah, exactly.

And he still plays good golly, Miss Molly, which is the only thing worth watching in this entire thing. It's a hell of a performance. You've got some things here. You know, we sort of go around the country and everybody's reacting to the news of the funeral and everything. This bad, like, group of punks

in front of the television, this isn't funny. The guy's got, like, a dick tattooed on his forehead. It's like a hand giving the finger. Yes. You can't have any friction, man. You can't have the punks be like, good. Fuck them. And just have that be their attitude throughout it.

No. It's also the cheapest shit possible because they're just watching the TV throughout the entire movie. They rearrange them a few times and certain shots, but you're just doing that. It was an afternoon with those kids.

Dramatically, it's almost like they're a Greek chorus, you understand? Oh, wow. This is smarter than I thought? Yeah, it's so much smarter. Wait, is that from the trivia? No, that's from right up here, man. Oh, beauty.

That's why we chose this movie here in Oxford, the intellectual capital of the world. Sure. Yeah, the lead punk's name is Dissentary. That's something. Where'd you get that from? She's like, oh, shut up, dysentery. And it's like, okay.

playing Oregon Trail that morning. There's a couple of things as the opening credits roll by that are kind of surprising. One, executive producer Sidney Pollock. That's weird. He lost a bar bet. Yeah, exactly. It was part of whatever deal got him Tutsi. It's like, you have to do Tutsi.

But then also King Ralph gets rid of something, whatever, whatever it is. We've got you till 92. King what? Fine. King Baby, I'll do it. I'll do it now. Man, I am really liking that title of King Baby. It's a better movie.

I'm the king baby. I was once a boss, but now I'm a king. Oh, okay. That should be the fourth one. But the other thing, and this is a bit much for the film King Ralph, the writing credit is written for the screen. Was it adapted from the stage play? We're classing it up.

It's about royalty. Yes, Ibsen's King Ralph was beautiful. But yes, so we found him. Ralph Jones. he's an American. What are the strengths? We cut immediately to Las Vegas. Those are the strengths.

John Goodman is a lounge singer of the worst possible kind. I guess, and that's where this movie starts to fall off almost immediately. Three minutes into it. Yeah, they never figure out who Ralph as a person is. Like, is he a sleazy lounge singer?

Is he a guy obsessed with sports? Is he like... He's a fat American, which is hilarious. That's why you're all here today. A guy's guy. Yeah, okay. But also, as you're saying, when you're a baby,

you don't really have a personality. You kind of just shifting between moods. And I think that's kind of what we're doing here. Because the joke of the initial part is he's doing lounge singing, but he's also watching the football match on television. This is kind of great. He's like sort of turning his head away from the piano. You got to be shitting me!

We have to call out the few legitimate laughs that are in this movie because it is few and far between. But him swearing at a portable television is one of those. Three times tonight that'll happen. But so he finishes the lounge act. He goes downstairs. We see Richard Griffiths and other guy have come from the UK to meet him. And, man, I got to tell you, he's sharing a dressing room with a psychic monkey act.

Yeah. Time to get a new job. Mitzie, the psychic chimp didn't see this coming, I guess. Hell of an act, though. It seems like really going to get a bump up for Mitzie after this. Real contentious relationship between Ralph and Mitzie, the psychic monkey, because when he gets fired right here, the boss is there taking his nameplate off the door.

He calls this monkey like a rotten bitch. What kind of abuses this monkey taking at work night in and night out? I have not mouthed off to any monkey ever. And also the idea of being alone in a room with a monkey is like being alone in a room with a fucking ticking time bomb. That thing will fucking rip your face

and your nuts off immediately. But, you know, it's a performing monkey, so there's obviously like shock collars and stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's being tortured day in and day. Yeah, they just took them out for the filming. And as we know, from the... It's going to turn into Nope in five seconds.

This week's episode is brought to you by StoryBlocks. Now, folks, StoryBlocks offers a 100% human-made stock media library that's essential for creators with millions of curated assets, including footage, music, sound effects, templates, and images for easy pre-licensed use. and you can get all of that under one subscription. You cannot beat that. StoryBlocks was kind enough to get me a subscription to test out their vast library, but I'm going to tell you the truth.

I've used StoryBlocks many times before. A few good friends of mine were making short comedic fake newscaster segments back in 2022, and I worked as a producer and voice actor on a few of them. Not only were we on a lean budget, but we also did not have the time or hands to make our own sound effects images, footage to use in these shorts. StoryBlocks all but saved that project, and I continue to be awestruck by the sheer breadth of what is on offer

through their subscription. Every single asset in the StoryBlocks Library is made by a professional filmmaker or artist, never AI generated, which is sweet music to my ears these days, professionally curated and ready to use in monetized content. Every download you make with your subscription directly supports a real working artists and members save an average of 3.5 hours per week utilizing the library. On top of that, a subscription comes with unlimited downloads and the StoryBlocks plugin allows you to search and download assets directly inside Premier Pro and After Effects. How about them apples, gang? Head to

storyblocks.com slash WHM to access the human-made stock media library that's essential to my workflow. for a limited time, they're offering 15% of any annual plan. And that discount is only available through my link. Again, that's storyblocks.com slash WHM for 15% off annual plan. Storyblocks, let's get it, folks. I hope. I mean, as you know from the Clint Eastwood movies with the orangutan, there is little funnier than a man swearing at any kind of monkey.

You get any monkey out there. And of course, they're not going to attack like, they usually would, but it's still funny. Kind of funnier is a man giving a monkey a beer. Also, yeah. That's pretty great. I like a monkey smoking. That's fun. A smoking monkey also very good.

If I have to get lung cancer, so do you. But yes, he is upset because, you know, it's his fifth job and whatever, and it's like, well, we'll make you feel better. You are now the king of England. Hello, security guards. At least they'll pay for your hot dogs. You know what? You get that at least. Well, and this is where they kind of make another turn

as to what kind of guy this guy might be, which is to say a guy who doesn't know what the King of England would be because he's like, what is the job pay? Am I going to get housing? And Richard Griffiths, while eating a hot dog with this guy, is just kind of like, well, you're the King of England, man. Like you wouldn't need a paycheck.

We're going to give you everything. You're going to get a house. You're going to get clothes. You're going to get money. Yeah, but I just, I don't really know if I could leave Vegas right now. I got a lot going on here. I need to know what my retirement fund's going to look like.

I really, I've been thinking about it. Don't worry you're a welfare king. And he just sort of like, I guess finally gets it enough that they cut to this awful, awful rear projection shot of John Goodman coming out of the top of a limo like, yeah! Yeah, I struck it big! And it's like the shittiest footage behind him.

Like the worst cheapest TV show backdrop you've ever seen? I would love it one time, like if, you know, John Good going, yeah, I'm king of the world. And the other side is like the mannequin couple. And they're like, yeah, I don't know the limo. Like all the little, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's a shared cinematic universe. That'd be wonderful.

I've never done that. Have you ever stood up at a limo and like cheered for yourself? No. No, what reason would I have to cheer for myself? Not happening. It would feel really great. I just would be worried about getting like final destination. Yeah, that's a really good point.

Steve, do you want to do that? I can do that for your next birthday or something. That'd be fun. I mean, because really the only time you're going to be in a limo is like either a prom, which that didn't happen. And then maybe like a funeral too, and that seems inappropriate. You can't be woo-hooing out the sunroof of a limo during a funeral, dude. Oh, yeah. When I was a little kid, my parents had a limo for some reason for some event or whatever.

Oh, I thought you meant like they had it, like you just had it in the driveway. No, my dad should have, it would have been a more stable job. It's up on bricks. But it had a VCR and TV. Oh, shit. Nice. As a little kid, I ran back into the house and I got a VHS tape of not kidding you,

American Ninja 4. Oh, nice! Dude, that's the one where the bad guys are child molester. I love that movie because all the ninjas had different colored outfits. They sure do. So you watched it, it would have been like a real King Ralph situation. You're American Ninja 4, sir.

A little platter. With a whole dome or whatever. They go immediately back to the UK and there's a shot of Buckingham Palace and the fucking worst line, which room is mine? Much like the kid from blank check in the mansion.

Yes. Oh, these are all mine? Wow. And he realizes, you know, quickly that he's got to not act like a slob because Peter Atul's in the room. So that's something. He walks in like Richard Griffith

sort of introduces him, Ralph Jones from America. And he walks in. And yet we saw it in the trailer. This outfit, I mean, he's dressed, again, like a 10-year-old. old boy. Yeah? Like you got the Cubs

hat on and the Packers jacket, which is fine geographically. They will do that in America. Fanbase wise. You can't be mixing sports in one outfit. I agree with that. It's a really fair thing. See, I don't care about that. It's the orange button up that really is off.

It's the thing that doesn't make sense. Because it's one of those button-down shirts that it's like down past like halfway. It's meant to be tucked. That one's meant to be. It has to be tucked. And then he's wearing a Skid Row t-shirt, like the metal band. And don't tease me like this. If he's going to have something like this, you have to have him go see Judas Priest.

Pain killer just came out. Okay? He wants to go to fucking hear Leather Rebel at the fucking 10 or 11. That's it. Well, because that would be specific. He was like a metal head dude. And he's like doing air guitar and whatever else. Oh, dude.

How is this movie missing air guitar? Shit, that would be awesome. That was huge for us. Yeah. He tries to do a mosh pit with Peter O'Toole and his ass bumps in him and he kills him. Yes. He just breaks him right now. half, dude. Oh, thank you,

your majesty! Stomp on me! Yes! Thank you! And he says, my duty is to make you a king. And then you just get like a really long series of scenes of this dude humiliating himself.

It's a perfect... It's a perfect role for Peter O'Toole, especially at this part of his career because his whole job is to be annoyed and disinterested in the amount of what's going on. So that's good. Those are the easiest to play drunk. Yeah, exactly. He says, English law prohibits you

from solving problems. Unfortunately, it doesn't prevent you from creating them. The weirdest part is that the tabloids aren't going fucking apes. This would be the biggest story in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's it.

He wouldn't be able to blink without everybody looking all over him. Well, yeah, I don't know why you think all these other stories are going to matter. Like, The thing is, you don't even, like, the thought would be, this is all leading up to coronation, right? Yeah. You're going to do that. That's going to be the end point of this. But, no, he's just there.

And, like, this whole thing is about ceremonies, man. You have to at least be interested in that shit. How about he goes to Burger King? Trade Z's. He goes to Burger King. He goes to a strip club, and everyone's like, I don't know, I guess it's a king of England at a strip club. I don't know. Is that a big deal? Like, it's kind of surprising that there's not some sort of scene.

where like it's officially announced like here's the guy and then everyone in the kingdom can be like the fuck yeah exactly like he gets the crown put on his head the hobbits are there is amazing time the hobbits are there up the road he said so yeah no but you're it's New Zealand that's where the hobbits are you're mistaken okay well that's sort of in your purview you had your points on that one too we have we have we have the scene where they show him to his royal bedroom and it's a lot of Peter O'Toole saying, like, you can design this any way you want. And of course, it's got to be like, how about a bowling alley?

You got a bowling alley put in here. How about that? You see, that's the thing, is a metalhead would suggest you are at least teenager age. And you have to remember baby. So it's candy. Yeah. And it's bowling out. It's drum sets.

The candy. My God, the candy. He eats so much candy in this movie. You got to get the candy away from this guy. It's sugar in general because he also has to have hot cocoa at night. Can't be. he won't drink that. He'll spit it out.

I guess they're trying to kill him. Yeah, okay. It's the next gingon. Oh, that's the secret plan of O'Toole's the whole time. Feed him more candy. More, more, more candy. More diabetes for him. Have all the candy you want.

Initially, in the first draft, Peter O'Toole beats him to death with a bowling pin at the end of the movie. I'm finished! I would love that. It would be really cool. That would make me happy. He's got to teach this guy to walk all royally too, which this is really embarrassing.

He needs to teach him to walk, period. He's like, one foot in front of the other. Stop crawling. Get up, get up. Walking generally requires two feet, Your Majesty. The walking is like Frankenstein's monster walking, just minus the... Well, he's never worn a suit before. I want to see this...

Well, that majesty is... No, it's not English. It's called toilet paper, you understand. Why are you in a onesie again? A filthy onesie at that. Are your nappies dirty? Let me see your nappies. Come here, King Ralph.

No, not a crazy English invention. It's just jetty to get a fork, you understand. It is for piercing food and going into your mouth. For eating. This is a grass. It holds water. This is boring. Where's my pinball machine?

I like that throughout the film, number of pinball machines in his royal quarters increases. It's like they're breeding. I think some of those are gambling machines too. Oh, yeah, he should have like slots and shit. If he's like truly a Vegas guy, do over the whole room and it's like a sleazy-ass casino. Sure, yeah. You know, you got like a roulette table maybe, something like that.

Pull the big wheel to win the thing. Jesus Christ said it pays out every time. My luck is changing. I just keep winning. Yes, the majesty, I'm going to hit you with a bowling pin now. What's that? Throttle you until dead! Maybe some deadly nightshade in that goddamn cocoa.

This movie could use some violence. Yeah, that'd be cool. A little bit. But yeah, the first night he gets really bored, so he does indeed go to a strip club, right? Oh, yeah. It is the America on Parade strip club. Oh, yes. An America themed strip club.

Nice. Haven't had the pleasure yet. We'll see. We'll see how the rest of the trip goes. It looks as gross as it sounds. But yeah, so this is what's... Oh, Camille Cadourie here is Miranda. It will be the love interest.

She comes out and can't bring herself to take her top off, which had a strip club that's kind of a problem, so she's canned immediately, I guess. But this dude is storming the dressing room. Yes. My God, you're just the most beautiful thing I've seen since I got here.

Hello security guard? Yes, seriously. Creep City. And also asking. out the exotic dancer is just a losing bet every single time dude and the bartender doesn't like you and neither does the exotic dancer

where's the security in this place isn't that what this is all about man nope just direct line well I guess he's the king well there is this one dude shows up who looks like Russell Brand with the bane serum oh yeah yeah totally which is a nightmare by the way a living nightmare

that guy needs no more power. At least Bain got the vaccine, right? Oh, it would make sense to make sure everyone's healthy around me. Oh, my goodness, feigning an interesting Christianity for the purpose of so profit is truly a villain's move, Russell.

I don't know what I would have to talk to about with Katie Perry, actually. I don't think I'm going to go to date with her. Those accusations are false. Oh, yeah. What is the, who was it? There's that video. Oh, is it? David Lynch, it's David Lynch at some panel, and he's for whatever godforsaken reason

sitting next to Russell Brand. And someone in the audience is like, oh, Mr. Lynch, I love your movie so much. And Russell's so great. Would you ever consider doing a movie with Russell Brand? And he just goes, no. And that barefoot, be ponytail prick has got his feet up on the chair

pretending to laugh at it, and you know it just killed him inside. Just because you both meditate, does not mean you get to work together. Actually, that's a better movie. It's like, oh, well, there's only one head to the throne and it's David Lynch. That would be amazing.

I have some fantastic ideas for your mighty kingdom. Give me money to make a movie. Then I'll be your king. And Russell, you do not meditate. You meta-rape. That's that snappy dialogue. Right there. Did you write on Frasier?

Oh, Niles, that's repulsive. But so, you know, it's a weird situation where like a six-three dude who's like 300 pounds wearing a fucking oversized t-shirt and a fucking Green Bay Packers jacket is like, all right, honey, listen, if I can prove to you by Friday that I'm the king of England, would you go out on a date with me? It's... Hello, security guard. Also, it's everywhere.

There are fucking, there's like probably huge fucking billboards. The new king's here. Later on in the film, we see his portrait hung up in Burger King. Give me a break. That was his first decree. King Burger the first. Absolutely. What is it for a swifter service?

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, for free. No, we're still negotiating with the dominoes, but we're going to get in there, too, I think. It'll be part of the empire. Yes, Domino's is the next part. Once the Domino's falls, the Popeyes, everything. Yes, it's everywhere free.

There is kind of a funny headline that says, From Uncle Sam to Buck Ham. Yeah. Underlining the ham part there. Repeatedly, repeatedly. Delicious. Another fun scene is we're teaching them to play cricket. Do they force the Royals to go out

and play physical activity like this? Be like, that's the antitably. of what those people are supposed to do. Yeah. No, and like... Or like polo. They're like riding around doing horseback shit.

Can you watch that? Do they put that on TV or telly here? Charles just playing some cricket. That'd be pretty cool, huh? I like that. I think this is the most, like, weirdly American jingoistic this movie gets because he's just like, cricket, that's dog shit.

I'm going to play it like baseball. And then all the Americans in the audience, like, yeah, fuck them. Eat shit. Not going to love it. I was watching this. I was like, he's pretty fucking good at this game. And the music is like from when the team wins in Little Giants.

Yes. It's King Baby. It's King Baby. It's kind of great too because like the bowlers getting ready to toss the ball there. And he's mimicking what Peter O'Toole has taught him. And he just goes, bowler. And then you see this dude like, fat fuck. All right.

Here we go. Yeah, home run time. And he's running like fake bases. It is such little. and shit, this is King Baby. More candy. They also, they teach him out to ride a horse at some point.

Oh, ho. We got more glue for the factory. Your Majesty, maybe that's enough horse training for today. There's none left in the stable. For the sake of the horse. We should harness him up before we let him ride. That will take some weight off the poor beast. I think he's not

even riding. I think he's like levitating over by being hung up there. That's why he's bouncing like that. Fuck, shit, your majesty, you're so heavy. Yes, the king is a great burden to carry it. Melt me down now. This isn't worth it. That's actually like a political cartoon.

Like this big fat king on a horse. Probably. Does democracy on it or something? You know, like, that's a political car. Steve, we don't want to get in trouble. Wait, does... So the horse says democracy on it? I didn't draw it.

Is the horse democracy? Yeah, I didn't draw it yet. The king's got a sad. What one says tariffs, that's the big one, right? Oh, yeah. Speaking of King Baby, now I write for the New Yorker. That's exciting. So we should mention also the late great John Hurt

is here as Lord Percival Graves. And this dude is pissed because apparently, however many centuries ago, his family line was the one on the throne, and now he's determined to get this fat American kicked out of here. So he engineers this plan. He goes to Miranda's house, knocks on the door,

and basically says that, you know, this dude's really horny for you, but you're just like a poor nothing person, and there's no way we'd ever let you marry him. So I will pay you 15,000 pounds to just, like, date him a little bit. We're going to get some nasty little photos for the press there, and she agrees to it. You don't want to know what I would do for 15,000 pounds with John Goodman. You don't want to know.

Talk about the big labouse. Oh, that's the most. money you get, that's not his way, okay. Come on. Hey, I can say it, I weigh 12,000 pounds. Sure. Uh-huh. It's kind of crazy because this scene goes on really long and

I never thought I'd find myself saying this, watching this movie, but where's King Ralph? Yeah. I'm like, honest to God, shouldn't he be falling over and making me half laugh at this place? Why is he not farting at all? Farting, burping? Why am I watching, like, the worst version of a Mike Lee movie?

Yeah. I don't need it. Just get back to the laughs, please. I do. Yeah, her apartment is, like, filled with all these posters. Like, she's 16 years old. It's like a YouTube poster, a Bob Marley post. I think that's why King Baby is attracted. They're mentally, like, stunted together.

Just a little older. She's, like, two years older. She's, like, 12. Yeah. Well, he's, like, the young Anakin Skywalker, and she's, like, the Padmae maybe. Yeah, yeah. Like, he's King Baby, and she's... Did it hurt?

That's close. Yeah, that's good. Did it hurt when you fell into the strip club? So the other thing is, like, on top of being like King Baby and whatever else, he's also just kind of like an Encino Man, caveman kind of guy. He can't physically do things that he definitely would have done in America, like pour something into a glass. Like Peter O'Toole is explaining to him how to pour tea into a cup,

and he's just fucking that up. Back in America. His finger gets stuck in the little holder, and he's spilling shit everywhere. And this old bastard just has to sigh. Back in America, we just drink from jugs. A jug of milk, a jug of beer. A jug of beer. We're a jug nation.

That's a magazine I read too. I am part of Jug Nation. Hey, said, am I going to get my Jug Nation subscription mailed over here? They better be forwarding that. I already paid for it in a year. Bad news, everyone. We're invading Jug Nation. The king has decreed it.

I'd like to see what that offensive look like. But he also, there's this scene where he's teaching what English food is. And I think the first, he's like, this is what would have been having at your state dinner. It's like a roast beef over here and then the other. And he's like, what? I'm like, you've had roast beef. You've absolutely. Oh, this guy's definitely had roast beef.

Maybe not Yorkshire pudding. I don't know. And also bangers and mash at a state dinner question mark. I was like, I don't know. Well, if it's you want to like make it a little fun. It's like an outdoor thing or something. Oh, it's working class night here at the palace. Will all cosplay as poor people.

Would you like a pfri-bang? He's eating it, he's doing it. And then, of course, you'll trip over this fucking, the bar is so low. Here's your spotted dick joke. There you go. There it is. So the gag there is like he thinks

these people are serving penis. It's human penis. dessert, that's the idea. Made into a pastry of some sort. Yes, it was on it. This is being catered by the people who did Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, you understand.

That's right, this is our new appetizer Kalimawshak-D-A. Monkey brains, ice cold. So he meets the prime minister. This dude comes over, and his name's Prime Minister Jeffrey something, and he got the old, hey, Jeff! And this dude's ready to throw up immediately.

And he does the, you know, Your Majesty. And he's, oh, no, no, no, please. Just call me, Ralph. The dude is just like, I'm afraid I cannot do that. There's snipers on the roof waiting for one slip up. He informs him about the King of Zambisi, a new fake African nation that has been formed. And he's coming over and, you know, there's economic interests and he has to throw up.

We want a contract for mining some minerals, this, that, and the other thing. I'm going to say a rough first assignment. For King, baby, it's a pretty rough one. This is my second, the biggest laugh of the movie for me is all this exposition. And then you cut, it's a smash cut to John Goodman snoring. Hellarious. More of that. The farting and the burping.

I'm telling you, there's a way through here. Bodily function. Yes. Just go full Chris Farley on it. He breaks the fucking throne, you know what I mean? Et cetera. That's the problem is you need like a real deal physical comedian for this. Goodman's great and Goodman's an amazing actor.

and he can be very funny on the page, but you need someone that can kind of snap through it and riff a little bit more. Every night, John Goodman thanks God for the Cohen brothers. And he should. Yes. The same year as this, right? Yeah, they unlock what he does.

Because again, I think this was, they had talked about maybe John Candy or Bill Murray and like infinite, still a bad movie, but infinitely better. Because they're not going to be babies. Yes. John Candy is not going to allow that. I know he's big and everything, but he's going to be an adult,

and that is against the King Baby Way. Well, because the humor would come from them, not at them kind of a deal. You know what I mean? John Gumbent's like doing the lines. Yes. So they sneak this woman into the palace for like a secret date night, which is kind of weird. And, you know, we're spending a lot of time. What's that?

Secret date night. Should I not say that the royals probably do secret date nights? Probably do. No, they definitely do. Strike it from the record. It's edited out. Well, that's the weirdest part because, like, that is like his big conflict is like, it seems like he wants to get laid

and he can't because he's locked up in this castle I think they figured out a way to make that work. Peter O'Toole's got all sorts of phone numbers on file, man. You can have someone come over. Also though, you're so concerned about this and oh, if the press gets wind of this and whatever, why are you

allowing this woman to come through the front gate? Yes. There's got to be tunnels or something. It's going to be tunnels. There's got to be blacked out like a fucking limo that has the actual shaded window. What are you talking about? There's got to be a passageway where the Reptillion lizard men are getting in there. Yes.

David Ike over here. He's a local legend. We have the second spotted dick joke in like four and a half minutes because he can't bring him. Because again, he's a child man. And it's a lot of like, oh, yeah, we got dessert. It's ice cream and spotted.

Spotted. And she's just like, spotted dick. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. We say it all the time. My mom makes it. Ew. We're playing Scrabble The best thing he can come up with

Is a fake two-letter word That's King Ralph for you He's like, yo's a word There's a yo-yo And he's like, it's the I'm the king now, it's a word Kind of a joke We're using the King's English

So I made up this word And it's triple word score This dude is the king of England And he's cheating at Scrabble Pretty low if you ask me Not great Yeah he's not fit for office No I don't think so

Richard Griffiths runs in and he's like, oh, your majesty, I finally found that music you were asking for. And like five dudes come in with, you know, orchestral instruments and everything, shaken out of bed. And it's like, just, he meant like a radio. Yeah. A fucking cassette deck or something.

This, one of my favorite scenes is John Hurt gets these photos of Miranda coming out from date night. And like, he gets them, he's like, number two is like, should we send these to the media? Should we, we should get these out there? Let's make it to movie. Why don't we just hold on for 40 minutes and then we will. Yes, we do need to get to 94 minutes.

There must be a second act, you see. Well, because it's like he, John Hertzson, like a different movie where it's like, I don't know, like PCU or like some sort of like college. If he screws up one more time, we're going to throw out 900 years of history. It's like, not really. The crusty old dean. Yes, exactly. that dirty king Ralph from Chagalug house. I believe he'll fart at the state dinner.

That's it for me. As of now, you're on double secret probation. King. So he meets this king of Zambezi. And it's the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of the movie. Yeah, it's tough. This was rough. But you have this montage because he's the king yesterday

to introduce himself a very certain way. And it's like, yes, on behalf of the Commonwealth and the faith and all this stuff. And I welcome you to England. He's doing it over and over and over again. And he knows he's meeting a king from Zambizi, which he knows is in Africa. But a black man comes in front of him.

And he's like, hey, man, how's it going? Give me five. And I'm like, come on. Dude, I'm sorry. You're kind of underplaying. Yo, my brother, give me five. Yeah. And John Candy, in this role,

you would have gotten an immediate cut to John Kennedy. He'd be like, I just said that. Yeah, yes. Because he's an adult, and he understands what he was saying. But because he's John Goodman and he's a baby, he's just like, the guy who has to be like, I don't know what you're referring to. What is this? What's happening here?

This dude was on EastEnders, like 1,500 episodes of... That's how that goes, dude. Yeah, you get them soap opera credits, dude. You're in their life. East NeverEnders, son. Excellent. Job well done. Thank you.

Never saw it. So after he totally crashes the plane into the mountain with that greeting, he just has to do the old you want to just go get a beer the orchestration that it would take to get the king down to a pub with another fucking dignitary but we're just there in two seconds

playing darts shooting the shit other people are there like commoners are just hanging out yeah you'd want to like close the establishment right you don't think there might be an assassination attempt on the brand new American king of England I would imagine a lot of real

traditional folks have a problem with what's going on in this movie? We've been getting so many pipe bombs in the mail lately. An unusual amount of pipe bomb. What is this white powder? Oh, you don't give that to him. Tell him it's powdered sugar. Put it on a donut. He sure loves his dough nuts.

And this is a totally fine movement for King Ralph. It's like, oh, he didn't know how to bond with the new guy, and he does, because they're just normal Joe's having a beer, talking. about cars which normal guys do but then the guy has to be like you know I have a game that's quite similar to this and he takes a spear and I'm not gonna use the verb just like unreal what in the ever loving fuck were they thinking and the movie tries to like say that it's cool because it's the African king who suggests it no it's

not. It's because you're showing but not saying. It's actually, you're doing the cinematic thing. You actually are doing that by not saying, because then you're right out of here. But also, why isn't it like at the palace or something that's in a burnt out parking lot where they tried to dispose of the Hellraiser queues? And there's

commoners everywhere. Again. If I'm king, I don't want to see a single commoner ever. Taking pictures. The tourists are around. Not once. Your Majesty, please shy away from the lament configuration. That'll cause all sorts. You know what, actually. That he's

High Fiving with Butterball Hey my brother $0.49 cents for a double keysburger Fantastic What a steal king, Ralph. The new king's getting high marks in hell. New relations in hell. He gets high marks for this too.

Everyone's over the moon because the dude had a good time is the report. And this is kind of the only time this happens which is surprising because this is a movie where you figure like John Goodman's charm such as it is in this film would then like wash over Peter O'Toole and Richard Griffiths and they kind of like start picking up some of his mannerisms and slang maybe and this is the closest that it gets where he's like well it looks like King Ralph's done a good one and they almost do a high five and then it's like oh how about some sherry instead wouldn't be proper that's like candy

movements and like you know like you said yes there's ever more increasing pinball machines they They put a bowling alley in there. That bowling alley, dude. There's a kind of fun scene of Richard Griffith's playing drums. I'd watch that. Sure. Whatever that is, six more minutes, fine. That bowling alley's not nice enough.

If Richard Nixon can get a full one in the basement of the White House, why can't they build a good one in the palace? I'm surprised they don't have it. They have to, right? Just film it at a bowling? I guess do you guys have bowling? I mean, is there a lot of bowling here? I guess that's a good point.

They say they're nodding, so I guess that's right. Absolutely. I love the polite nod. Thank you. Another time-killing montage here, the very famous, he's knighting someone, which I feel like the coronation hasn't happened yet, and you're knighting someone, that feels a little jumping the gun. Yeah.

But the flicking the dudes' ear is very funny. And, like, if you worked your whole life, you know, in public service or however people get knighted over here, and I don't know a fucking clue. But, you know, and, like, you get this great honor, right? But then later the rest of it, that was that King Ralph that did it. You know what I mean? The guy, the American fat guy that was king for three months, it's an asterisk for sure.

I don't think you're really doing it, no. It's a lowercase, sir, for some reason. You always have to put it. I mean, just go out there. Like, you get this big, the Burger King scene, like, you get all these advertisements with it. Again, like, I don't even, it doesn't even have to be metal. Like, Depeche Mode Violator, it just come out.

It's the biggest record in the fucking world. He's not going to see Swedish perfection. He was fucking serious with me? Dude, I'll tell you right now. Because shit like, good golly, Miss Molly, way cheaper to license. Way cheaper, dude. Depeche Mode wouldn't be like, oh, cool, we'd love to perform in the film King Ralph. That won't hurt our street cred even a little bit.

Maybe. I don't know, man, Jarvis Cocker agreed to be in that fucking Harry Potter movie. Who shit knows? Who knows? They can make deals. But this is where he's like, okay, if we can't keep sneaking my lady friend, into the palace, I'm going to sneak out and go have a little date with her.

And this man literally sneaks out a window, which is kind of very funny. And you see this poor horse taking this guy, so he's going out with like the night watch or whatever, and all these horses are going out, and then the one horse goes the other way and the press is not getting what's going on. And it's just really obvious

because it's a huge fat guy, kind of like halfway riding a horse like this. As you know, an adult would know to keep its back up and like hold the earth, but a baby would flop everywhere as the horse goes up and down. And, you know,

when you're the King of England and you're trying to sneak around with a lady friend, the best place to go is the busiest Burger King in London. And this scene is just everything you wanted to be, isn't it? It is, because of course,

the woman behind the counter is like, you're the king of England. You're the guy. Wait, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. It's you, isn't it? like she's meeting Santa Claus. It's you, wait a night.

He's got the Santa Claus physique. Maybe he's off-season. Fair, yeah, maybe he's shaved. Off-season Santa Claus. Before he hangs out with the M&Ms and all that shit. And there is because, you know, she is sort of loosely working with the paparazzi. There's a dude there that is like trying to sneak

and he's doing the thing. He's like, why don't you put your arm around her? Give her a kiss. Come on. They're trying to get him ousted his king by being a burger king. She blasts him with the wateriest ketchup I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, that's prop ketchup. But he's pissed because he doesn't get any goddamn burgers out of the deal. He's like, where we're leaving? He runs up to this counter, and he's like, two whoppers, two fries, two giant coaks. You want anything, baby? He's about to get one of those whoppers to his lips. He's so excited, and it flops out

and all the common riffraff try to grab it. They tear it apart. It's like 28 days later for a second. Well, we did start the movie with an abused monkey. That's your. To cure, you must understand. There is the one guy who's got like a tattered scrap of wopper running after. Like they run through the kitchen to escape.

And he's like, Your Majesty, I have your burger. Or at least part of it. It's gross. I'm selling the King's Burger. Part of the King's burger for 50 pence. I mean, that's a story. tell at a bar, you'd be all right. I picked up the king's wopper.

Yeah, totally. Off the floor. You'd probably keep that forever, you know, under like a dome and just look at it, watch it. Well, I guess it wouldn't rot because it's all made out chemicals. It's been touched by the king, you know, who is God's man. It probably lives forever. The Blessed Burger, your majesty.

Never rotts. They go to like a gazebo and they're like quietly dancing. Yeah, that's nice. It turns to do a date. I mean, like, again, I mean, this is. a date taking a lady to Burger King, apologies, it's not a date. No. Don't let him get away with that, ladies.

Exactly. And like I like this because clearly you spray the photographer with ketchup. You didn't really stop him. You didn't like hit the camera down there. So he just followed you and took the pictures anyway. Much more scandalous pictures, by the way.

It's sexier in a gazebo than a Burger King. Yes. Although I guess it's more dishonorable to be in a Burger King. I guess that's That is true. Disgusting. And then, yes, this is when John Hurd gets a piece. Oh, I won't leak this to the press for some reason.

20 minutes. We're waiting for it. And he's also got one of the King's butlers on, like, retainer. Like, he's running into... Gordo. Gordon. Yeah, as the evil. Yeah, because he all...

He annoyingly gives everyone a fun nickname, which is like an asshole move. Like, it's a George W. Bush move. Exactly. If someone introduces him, he says, he'll be... as X, you call them that until they say otherwise. That's the move. I'm X. X, I don't give it to you.

You're A, you're B, you're C, you're D. Oh, this is my son, X. It's me Elon Musk. Perhaps I could take up the mantle of King, baby. His middle name is Y, Z. X, Y, Z. This is a great name. What a guy.

Wonderful man. Always has his fly down. So she's pissed off and she goes to John Hurt and she's like, I'm going to give you the money back because I had an amazing time last night with King Ralph. He took me to Burger King. It was beautiful. I don't want your stinking money anymore. And man, hearing John Hurt say Strumpet is one of the best things ever.

Fine, I'll take the money back, you strumpet. Well, also, I mean, not even very callously. You're playing the long game. 15 grand versus inheriting whatever the fuck money he's got. That's a much better deal. I would agree. But even John Hertz excited about saying Strubby

I said Strumpet Who wasn't that fun? I also think he's very excited to get all his money back Yeah sure All the money he had to pay This one he's like great Great for me

I got the photos and the money Didn't get to say Strumpet is an alien Yeah So this is around the time We do this fox hunting scene And he's got to be Explained about all of this

And isn't it funny He shoots a dog instead Oh He's just that fucking stupid He shoots a dog Instead of a fox That's a proper scandal. Like if that dog is obliterated, just chunks.

Take a photo of that. They cower from the joke immediately, though, because the very next shot is this dog with like a little bandage on his arms. Oh, thank God it was just a flesh wound, Your Majesty. Oh, no, that was the one that got away. He's been shooting dogs all day. So many dogs died today.

Peter, Peter, you're supposed to be talking to... But we talk to him in the caracal. A king, baby. He does, in that scene, he just looks like an old dude you would see sitting on like a bus stop bench at 2 o'clock in the morning. Well, because he's wearing a hat,

and the hat is just like, someone put the hat on him kind of a thing. The hat looks like it was run over by a car or something. It's all fucking wrinkled looking. Not fitted. It's kind of slouching over. He just looks sleepy. In this scene, though, while they're doing dog hunting, not fox hunting, but it turns out it was dog hunting, yes.

That's enough. Peter O'Toole and the prime minister explained that the king and princess of Finland are coming, and they are going to create an arranged marriage that would, I guess, join Finland into the empire. That would be news. Yeah. It seems like a weird move. for something that happened in 1991.

Yes. But it is all to get this deal going. Sure. That's gonna produce like, factories are gonna be built in the UK and it's gonna bring all these jobs, this and the other things that this is, we have to sort of like massage this a little bit.

And Ralph gets kind of really upset and pissed off about this. This is kind of the only scene in the movie where there's actual acting going on. Because O'Toole and Goodman kind of have it out. He wants to quit being the king. And O'Toole is still. screaming at him about it.

And that's like, if it was in any other movie, he'd be like, all right, yeah, that's the best scene of the movie. Is this the scene where Peter O'Toole yells at? I'm like, the job is not like working at one of your taco burgers. Yes, it is. Said, can we get one of them? Could I get, could we talk to this chef and get us a taco burger in here? Welcome to Peter O'Toole's taco burger.

I was very intrigued about the concept of a taco burger, I will say. Do you think Peter O'Toole ever ate fast food? Yeah, probably. As many times that dude was wasted in his life absolutely. He doesn't remember a single time he did a-oh. Give me a number three with fries, a taco burger. Are you certain I can't be part of the Burger King scene? But yeah, he's going to quit.

It's like you quit everything and you know just you need to do something for the greater good which is going to get all these people these jobs and all that stuff. So you have to marry the, you have to stop dating your love interest and start. courting the princess of Finland. I got to say, another rough assignment for week two of the kingdom. He hasn't mastered walking yet. Still back on walking.

Still back on using a fucking fork properly. Hasn't mastered any about it. He's about to botch cutting a chicken like you haven't seen. He killed four dogs yesterday. At a fox hunt. We do have Julian Glover, the great Julian Glover,

as the king of Finland here. That he's talking about. fox hunting with them and of course the American thinks he means getting tail right getting with the ladies and it's just a disgust I mean if you take it for real yeah it is pretty disgusting what he's saying it is it's pretty pretty gross it's weird because he's Julian Glover is the the king of Finland and they have poor Jolie Richardson is the other princess of Finland and the idea is like she's a very good looking woman so when he sees her he's like hey this ain't a bad job kind of a thing we'll we'll talk about her voice in a

But we have to. Stand by. But I just feel like if you're actors, you know, Julian Glover, Julia Richardson, and neither of you know how to do a Finnish accent, at least like meet in a room and be like, let's just make one up. But at least we're both doing the same one.

Sure. If we're father and daughter. But it sounds like she's doing like a French accent and then they just slowed down the audio. Hello, King of Alv. It is a princess of Finland. Credit card, you got it. It is, I mean, because I guess the idea is like, she's so pretty, so, like, this is well, Ralph punching above his weight, like, there needs to be something wrong with her.

So she talks like this, hello, King Ralph. I think there's a conspiracy theory here because there is no, I haven't seen a single bit of information about what actually happened to make the voice sound like that. And the only thing you can think about when you hear it is how is that happen? I was terrified we were going to do a crocodile Dundee thing. Yeah, it's just so wild. There's this big state dinner they're gonna meet, and yes, there's a fox hunting gag there. That kinda happens for a little bit.

Well, because he thinks that he's talking about going to get ladies, you see, and Julian Glover thinks we're talking about literally pu-poo foxes, right? And then it turns into this weird, like, yeah, I used to date a couple of them for a while, and Julian Glover's like, dating a fox what?

And then he's like, oh yeah, oh my daughter loves fox hunting. And then this is John Goodman like, she's a what? All right, yeah. There's a great moment right before this scene where John hurt, this is when he finally meets King Ralph. He's like, oh, King Ralph, he did a smashing job on the King of Zambisi.

Don't be afraid to be a complete asshole tonight. He's like, be ribald and fun, King Ralph, and ruin your life. that guy talks like he's evil, but I think that's good advice. I think that's good stuff. Let me twill my mustache and tell you my master plan.

So they're all like eagerly anticipating the king starts eating here and this is again, this is just some Brendan Fraser and Cino man man's kid. He's got a fork and a knife and he just, the first go of it, this little hen goes flying

and it's just domino affecting. You see it in the trailer. This is embarrassing. but also why doesn't anyone just go yeah got it your majesty fixed it when he looks at this chicken it's like they're asking him to fuse a bomb he's like Jesus Christ

cut the left drumstick cut the left drumstick I said the left he should have just picked it up at one hand and just started eating it like an abyss just mashing this little bird into his face yeah that'd be some king shit right there do it like medieval times

I guess you don't have medieval times here no they went through it it, right? Yeah. They already had it. It's a restaurant slash sporting event in America. They had the one where they didn't have fountain soda. Oh, okay. Yeah, they didn't have fountain soda. It was more the plague, though.

No one offered tequila shots at the end of the Arizona. Oh, damn. They go to it in the comedy, the cable guy. That's where there's nights and shit, but they're also eating food in the stands. It's great. We went once for my birthday. It was great. It was a wonderful time. Yeah, totally. It's what you can eat

whole turkey leg without having to embarrass yourself by going to an outdoor medieval festival. You go to an indoor one instead. Way from the cameras. Away from the cameras. Can I tell you actually one time we went to a medieval fair thing, it was a little downtown from where we live in New York, we're walking through this beautiful park and there's all these cool things to look at and whatever. Dude's definitely doing like sword fighting.

You can miss me with that. But where you can catch me is at the turkey leg stand. And so I get one and I'm eating this thing. and it's just delicious. It's just a huge turkey leg, and I'm Fred Flynn stoning out. It's so awesome. And these Japanese tourists come up to me.

This dude's got a camera. And he very politely asked if he could take a picture of the fat American eating the turkey leg. You live in a... This is a 1980s comedy you live in. You lived King Ralph. I was King Ralph.

Please tell me you said, no thank you. No, I acquiesced. Of course. You're on the wall somewhere. Somehow, somewhere in Japan, there's just a picture of me on a wall. Did you play it up? Your eye, greased all over your face. Did you like play it up?

Do you go hang? Yeah, it was just, gah! That's the move, yeah. Yeah. Can I get a picture of your belly as well? Just one. It's not going to work if we don't back out and get the whole fucking thing. Oh, no, that was a Fetish magazine thing.

You are the front page of legs.com, but it's actually turkey legs. That's why I started getting all that spam. Big Belly magazine is huge in Japan. For sure. So Jolie Riches said again, he goes out on the patio or whatever the fuck with her, and they're like kind of, he's trying to be like, oh, you know, it just sucks that we're being forced together. Me, a 35-year-old man and you a 35-year-old woman, but that's monarchy for you. And he's like, well, actually, I enjoy weird.

Look, not even weird. I'll enjoy rough sex. And he's just like, what, what, what? What? Well, yeah, a baby would be scared of rough sex. I guess so. I think. I don't know.

It's not specific to anything. You know what the exact acts, right? You want to list it. And I like this one? Well, she's like, I would like you to bend me over a desk. And he's just like, he's asking, like, she wants to be shit on her back. You know what I mean? Like, it's very different.

Could you get a royal glass table for the crappination? Crappination? Yeah, you got it. I wanted to get there. You got it. We have to have a glass table. There's got to be a glass table in the palace. I'm not certain.

That joke, you got it. Yeah, man, I was supposed to be in King Ralph, man. I took one look at that script when she's reeling off all the weird sex stuff. No glass table. believe I said thanks but no thanks unless you update that script and they said no yeah that's right I was trying

to get sly to play King Ralph it would have been such a funny joke what a fool yeah jokes on you Arnold there's no shit none tables in that movie I said no thanks baby so I gave it to the Roseanne man instead the Rosanne man

hey Rosan man I have a script for you come here with Rosanman Why, thanks, Sly. Thank you. I would actually love a Sly Sloan King Ralph because it would be very similar, but at the end, like his girlfriend gets kidnapped

and he just like break all these necks. That'd be kind of cool. Not a bad movie right there. You imagine like Sylvester Stallone getting like John Hurt and a headlock? I would like to... Show you, tiny. I would think that the Schwarzenegger version

would be like the Hamlet from Last Action Hero. Yeah, that would be right. Something similar to that. That'd be beautiful. Oh, yes. but he's really not feeling this party and he got bad advice from an evil uh...

presented to the front of the throne I believe he says time for some of that American flamboyance yes sir twirl and the princess is freaking him out because she keeps on talking about his butt so then he goes in to shake his butt

and this is like it's the trailer it's everything it's the whole trailer yeah and he's like He goes back into Vegas guy mode, right? And it's a lot of like, this is the biggest crowd I've had, which also like, I know it's supposed to be a state dinner, but there's really like 18 people in this room. Biggest crowd, dude.

I mean, you were playing Vegas. Tough, man. And John Hurd invited Miranda there secretly as King Ralph with fake signatures. Oh, the security guard made like a fake invitation. Yes, and then also whilst the Good Golly Miss, because it's all fucking standard music that's very, very cheap. he's doing good golly miss molly and he is just sweating in this scene man it was like worse than we've been this weekend yeah exactly much worse how is this tiny piano i don't know i don't care what it's actually called harpsichord

wonderful how how is it sustaining his weight no he is jumping up and down on this thing it's nuts dude he's like going full elton john on this fucking thing but he's like three This thing on Krypton. But this is exactly why you get John Goodmead to play this, is to put this kind of energy into this performance. Sure. Because even as much, you know, I have both Bill Murray and John Candy, they don't do something like this.

They're not going to, they're more of a deadpan, kind of make a little joke here or there. They're not going to do something like this. But this is honestly why my favorite part of the movie is because he's just going for it. Thank God. And everyone's just like completely stone-faced. I mean, he does the worst thing ever,

which is, it's kind of the equivalent of the Homer Simpson, like, are you ready to laugh? Like, he goes into this, like, stuffy-ass state dinner, and he's like, how y'all doing it at that? Criggins. And these are all sycophants. How are they not breaking? Be like, yes, it's too teary fruity.

Yeah. He asks Jolie Richardson to dance. She will not. But Miranda's there, so they're having a good fucking time. Who is that woman? You're cheating on me Someone's handing me photos now of you kissing her And she's like upset for some

Why would you be upset? You never met this dude Because she loves his butt Okay That's the whole reason She's also like down for the power play And now I can't Actually I don't know why she'd give a fuck Honestly what does it matter

Well there's an arrangement on day one anyway You know what I mean? It's a photo of him kissing someone Before you met before you're married Who gives a shit? Well because it's ineptly written because there's basically a like you call it the she's all that scene

the uh am i just a fucking bet it happens twice in a row in this movie because right here it's like uh jolly rich is like who is this woman you're dancing with and uh you know miranda's like oh you're gonna get married to this woman I'm so upset she storms off

but then King Ralph does the same thing in like three minutes when he find out that she's been like working with John Hertz so it's like okay yes exactly well because the This is when the photos come out, right? Yes. And now it's a big day. We can end the movie soon.

We promise. Now we got the photos out there. Don't worry. So, you know, Ralph drives out to, you know, where Miranda lives to kind of see what went down. And then they go out to the back garden to have a nice intimate talk there. And, yeah, the same exact thing happens. Like, she's like, yeah, so I was paid a lot of money. But then I gave it all back.

I promised because I actually really like you. And he goes fucking ham on this girl. Yeah, he does. Holy shit does he storm off. It was like, you were my England, you were everything to me. I'm like, it's been three dates. Yes, just let's ease up on that. You were England to me, Miranda.

Very weird. That's your problem. You had mentioned this in the green room. Do you think you had to renounce his American citizenship to become... I feel like you have to, right? You have to, right. Yeah. Oh, then maybe at the end of this movie, he's a man without a country.

Ooh. That's pretty cool. He used to live in the airport. Boy would take more than ketchup packet. He just takes one of those huge tubs with the poor things. Yeah, it's out of packet. It's the fucking push-down lever thing. The whole hand pump's coming with him, yeah.

It's a Roy Rogers, so he also gets the pickles and shit. Man, those Roy Rogers and the loose pickles, that's tough. No. I don't think that's over here, right? No. Thank God. You dodged a bullet. You dodged a bunch of bad fried chicken sandwiches and loose pickles.

but he's sad now. It's the part of the movie where you walk around Buckingham Palace kind of sad, you know? He goes up to the portrait of his grandfather, whoever this dude is,

and he's like lamenting about all the bad choices he's made as king, this, that, and the other thing. The best question ever, any human being has asked themselves in a movie, maybe I should have myself beheaded.

Yeah, that seems... Go for it. I should stop listening to that John Hurt guy. That's a bad idea. Yeah, have myself beheaded. Yeah, that's when I take out a real. and I could bend over and do it myself.

Yes, Your Majesty over here we call it the Fulmansons. I would like, this is where I really want the picture to talk to. I'm like, yeah, great-grandson, that sounds like a tough thing. I didn't have electricity or a shitter. It was a bucket. I used a bucket. Something tells me King Ralph will be fine with shitting in a bucket. Maybe.

Has in fact done it already in his lifetime. Maybe an outhouse at some point. He shared the bathroom with that monkey. Sure. Exactly. Yeah. It probably was a bucket. Dude, you share a green room with a monkey.

You are definitely shitting in a bucket. No doubt about it. The monkey would, like, walk out after John Goodman. He's like, eh-he. Just because the- Oh, that monkey's really hoity-to-dy man. He thinks he's hot shit just because he doesn't have diarrhea on a regular basis. Oh, like you've never eaten a packet of American cheese in one sitting.

Think you so much better than me, monkey. Yeah, all right. Mr. Monkey's shit don't sing. I don't throw it. I very rarely throw it. Pretty cool monkey, yeah. When you're walking around on a hot day, you drink water. I drink milkshakes, whatever.

Ralph, I'm firing you. We're not picking up your shit anymore. Oh, mercy. Peter O'Toole figures out that the letter that so-and-so got was forged by this crooked butler, so he gets fired in a fun scene. I would think, Forging a royal signature would also get you killed. Yes.

Not just a treason act. Just that, I think, gets you put under the fucking guillotine. I feel uncomfortable saying it on stage, honestly. But so he goes to Phipps, Richard Griffith's character, and he's like, show I'm the king still, right? He's like, yes, your majesty. Okay. So you have to, like, be truthful to me.

And anything I ask you, you got to give me the information. You said that I was the better choice. There's someone else who's supposed to be king, is there not? and you realize like, oh fuck, we are just jamming the gas pedal at the end of this movie. Yes. This was not a subplot. It was a dropped line in the first four minutes.

Yeah. There's no middle scene where like, you know, because it's Peter O'Toole, spoiler alert, where he's like, I still should be king, actually. But there's nothing like that. No. And like, you know, it's kind of actually more interesting if you let the audience know that.

Yes. And, you know, John Goodman doesn't, you know, and then it's like, when is he going to find out? You could have those scenes where he's like commiserating with Richard Griffiths. Like, no, I still don't want. I know it's a total mistake. He's awful.

But I can't live with being king for whatever reason. You see, I'm a coward. Yeah, well, it's also, he's like, well, I've never, I've never sired a child. I don't know. He's still got time. You got 60 seconds in a fucking cup? Yeah, exactly. They will figure it out for you, dude.

It's easy, peasy. Get the royal turkey baster out. You got it. Oh, yes, like all of our horses, indeed. We're going to pull a Tony Randall, you understand. I'm 90 years old. Man, yeah, that is just weird, huh? But it's possible.

You're just begging for your kid to be at your funeral. That's great. I mean, Al Pacino just had like 15 of them, right? Last year. He's got like a little kid, like, right now. And in four days, that kid's going to be taller than he is. I think he's got two now. I think he's got two.

I think he started another one. You should be 75 years old at a little league game. You know what I mean? No, they're calling the cops on. What's that old pervert doing here? But yes, he is like, oh, yes, I didn't. I couldn't handle the responsibility, you understand. So I turned it over to the worst person in the world.

It's just really dumb. So he says, all right, wrangle parliament together. I'm going to make a big announcement tomorrow morning. Oh, boy. You need them kind of like shitting their pants about this. What is he going to say? Maybe we can trick him. Just put a pack of cigarettes over it.

there's parliament to address it. Oh, you meant the governing body. Oh, that'll take a few years. I feel like Peter does, all right, you stand there with a sniper rifle, you understand. If he starts to sing, if he breaks into one song, just right in the head. Well,

if the devil comes down to Georgia, he's going to hell. If I hear note one, of smoking in the boys. Blow his fucking lid off. So he goes to address parliament. And this is awesome because he calls out John Hurt and all the crookedness and he invokes this traitor act,

which is a real thing. And Hurt freaks out about it. But you want the scene where Hurt is clearly being hanged in the town square. Yes. I even look this up. This is the one thing I found out is that the act that he gets accused of

and presumably convicted of, of was a capital offense until 98. So he would have been sentenced to death. Hell yeah. Just a shot of like his feet hanging. And then like one shoe drops off. I love that element to like a little extra to it. And then the credits start rolling.

And just good golly, Miss Molly. Absolutely. Credits, feet. His children are crying. Why did Daddy have to die? They're being turned out from their home. The king was really ruthless. Wow, for a movie that stars

the King of England going to Burger King and had a real dark ending. So he's dead, presumably, and King Ralph abdicates the throne and calls out the fact that it is indeed Peter O'Toole will be your king. You got any evidence for that? Okay.

Sounds great. And, you know, Peter O'Toole, I guess he's thankful for, you know, King Ralph helping him see the light and everything like that. Oh, don't worry, you don't have to go back to America. I'm hooking you up with a huge palace that you're going to get to live in. And I'm putting in a recording studio.

Sure, whatever. I'm buying you off to become fucking king. This is cheap. The recording studio thing is kind of, like, shitty because he should at least say something about, like I always wanted to make a record. He doesn't appear to like playing the gig in Vegas. So it's like I always wanted to cut a record or something like that.

But don't worry, recording studio. By the way, when you're moving out, take the fucking bowling alley, pinball machines. Don't worry, we're giving all your clothes to the horses. We're going to have them take it in, you understand. Yes, I'll have no need for this juke box. It is really dumb. The funny thing is he is leaving in the clothes that he came into the palace with the exact outfit.

Right, it's like getting out of prison. He's got his toothbrush. One cigarette lighter, gold. One prophylactic, soiled. He goes to the shop that Miranda works in. This is like, I don't even know, is there any dialogue in this scene? He's like, hey, baby, it's the end of the movie.

Want to get together? That's about right. It's kind of nothing. I don't think they really say anything. She jumps in his arms and that's not like I'm sorry or blah, blah, you know what I mean? It works out because in the end credits, you see they have two children. Yeah, that's something. An actual king baby.

He's also lived his fucking best life. He's making what seems to be novelty records. Like, what a fucking hellscape. Yeah, one time I was king of England. Now I'm kind of like a shitty weird owl, you see. He would be the most hated man in England, wouldn't he? You know what I mean? He was a shitty king for four minutes.

And now he makes bad music and, like, has billions of dollars. The regicide attempts would never stop. They would not. Yeah, that's the end of the movie right there, folks. That is the end of King Ralph, if you can even believe it. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Yeah, him dressed up singing, boy, it's dumb. The Duke and the Duchesses or whatever.

Dukeettes. Oh, that's a even dumb. I can't be bothered to figure out the right title. They're the dukettes. But so we got to start wrapping up here. But first of all, we want to thank everyone who has come out. Either all six shows or one show. It doesn't matter.

Give yourself a round of applause. Thank you guys. It's been great time. This is, of course, our first time over here, as you know. We had an absolute blast. Thanks very much to the old Fire Station Theater. The staff has been amazing. Thank you to the Oxford Comedy Festival for inviting us.

It's been very, very cool. And we thank you all for making it very, very special for these four American Pigs' Cops. over here and getting just a little bit of a respite from everything that's going on back west. But as we do here on We Hate Movies Live, we'd like to end everything. A little bit of correspondence from the old IMDB user review section. Yes.

See what we had to say here about comedies King Ralph. One out of 10 stars, okay. Written by I Like Music. December 5th, 2003, subject line, funny, but very unrealistic. Wait, okay, so, but you laugh, so it's still one? Still one. They like music, they don't like movies.

All right. Okay, I must admit that I saw the last half of this movie. Best way to watch it, probably. Maybe. What? It's a good way to watch it. Oh, yeah. Shorter.

Sure is. I didn't make it in time for the start as it just went on TV here. So I won't complain much about the movie, as there might be answers to my questions at the beginning of it. Why don't we save the review for another time? Yeah, maybe. This guy rocks. I would leave this one in the holster, man.

You do not have enough to proceed. Yeah. Wait for it to come back. It's going to be on TV again, I swear. I would like to just state. that the nation of Finland does not have a royal family. Fair. The names they have used for the Finnish royal family

are more typical in Norway, Denmark, Sweden, or at least I think so. Parentheses, don't kill me if I'm wrong. Just going off half-cocked on everything. Dude, totally. You cannot be bothered to open another tap. I'm not going to do it. How paranoid are you?

You think you're going to get killed over a comment from King Ralph? Another thing is that if they were going to give the Finnish royal family heavy accents on their English, they might have gotten the accents to sound similar to the Finnish language. I get so often disappointed by this in American movies. Yeah, me too. Oh, it's sad. It's so sad.

Why can't anyone just find an accent that is similar to the language they're supposed to talk? I don't know. The main thing about this movie I cannot get is how the hell did an American get to be the only one left to the British throne? That's in the first fucking scene, asshole. He didn't see the beginning of the movie, dude. He fucking specified that at the start of the review. That doesn't absolve you of shit. Wait, this is all the same review?

Dude, it's a long one. Strap in. Oh, fucking shit. My older sister is really into the royal families in Europe, and she just found a list with around 600, or was it 400, people who would get the British throne. Get a journal. How about that?

Well, this is like a journal, but it's on the internet. I guess. Yeah, but don't share these thoughts. No, not good. Lock them up. Since I didn't watch the first part of this movie, I will probably sound stupid now. A little bit.

Just a little bit. But was there some sort of an accident or several accidents? All over the globe, since all these people suddenly died and left Ralph from America? to take over. This is why you gotta watch the whole fucking movie, man. Maybe even just like read Ebert's review.

He's got to bring it up. Watch the trailer to the fucking movie. This is like the reverse of those dudes that are like, Scarface was a good businessman. Finish the fucker. That would mean that most of the royalties in Europe,

not counting the Catholics, as they have no claim for the British throne, would be dead. Also, I guess this is just a side question. Would there then be huge parties in Britain? There's not huge parties in Britain, clearly. It just doesn't happen. No, I think of being excited that the royal family is gone.

Oh, okay. That's a real, like, maybe for some and definitely not for others. Well, the punk should be. Yeah, the punk should be very excited. There were several things like this that kept me wondering during the movie. When I see something as unrealistic as this, I force myself to look at the whole movie as a big joke. You can't look at the movie.

the whole fucking movie you didn't see it. Gibberish. Gibberish. Bill and Ted. What is with this fucking phone booth all of a sudden? Okay, say Ben Franklin is at a fucking high school in California? Say what? Are we led to believe some kind of time travel occurred?

Do they have clones? There's two of each of them. Are they clones? All caps. No one can be that ignorant. Maybe you. Other than that, the movie was fairly okay. Still one out of ten

The lowest score possible But he likes music There was some music in the movie The singing, playing, dancing act of King Ralph was great as I love That kind of music Yeah There you go, dude

If you want to see this movie Watch it for fun I would say what's the beginning Yeah Watch it for fun as opposed to Well I didn't watch it for fun I watched it for work That's work.

Yeah. Good point. Please don't watch it to look into the monarchy of any country. Why would I? That's actually what I was doing, though. Oh, really? Sorry, Eric. Especially not Finland, which doesn't even have one.

End of review. I hate that, man. But he likes music. Or I don't want to be sexist. Yeah. Of course. Come on. There, I would.

All right, here we go. Last review. 10 out of 10 stars. Written by C.L. Perry. It's not as great when they don't have a dipshit username. No. January the 24th, 2002. Subject line, better than you think.

At first glance, this film might seem to be just another fish out of water, Slob's versus Snob's story. And the high brow of the movie, movie world might not consider it high quality, but King Ralph works for several reasons. That makes it sound like it's going to be as long as the last one, but I promise you it's not. First, it's good plain fun. Second, and most importantly, it delves into the very reasons why the British monarchy is still revered and why it remains important to our cousins across the sea.

We've been We Hate Movies from New York City. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you all. We'll see you next time. Bye, bye. Bye, guys.