We Hate Movies - S16 Ep881: Conan the Barbarian (1982, Live in Minneapolis)

Episode Date: August 25, 2026

Recorded Live at the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis, MN, 20 March, 2026“This show is rated PG-45…” - Steve on our live show contentOn this Summer Live episode, it’s our rowdy show from the great city of Minneapolis, Minnesota, where we were touring in March of this year, chatting about the beefy, early-Arnold epic, Conan the Barbarian! How incredible is James Earl Jones’ wig in this movie? What’s with this feral dog man in the scouting party at the beginning? Did Arnold really punch that camel in the face? Should Sven-Ole Thorsen ever be this clean-shaven in a movie? And who among us wouldn’t join James Earl Jones’ snake cult? PLUS: Burgess Meredith as Conan’s father? It could’ve happened!Conan the Barbarian stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Sandahl Bergman, Ben Davidson, Cassandra Gava, Gerry Lopez, Valérie Quennessen, and Mako as The Wizard; directed by John Milius.This episode is brought to you by Storyblocks! Head to STORYBLOCKS DOT COM SLASH WHM ot access the human-made stock media library that’s essential to your workflow. For a limited time, they’re offering 15% off any annual plan, and that discount is only available through our link. Again, that’s STORYBLOCKS DOT COM SLASH WHM for 15% off annual plans!Be sure to visit the WHM Merch shop over on Dashery and check out all the latest show-related designs you can slap on t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, stickers, whatever! Make your friends jealous by flaunting some WHM merch today!Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Wow, what do you guys think of this sandcastle I built? Oh, this is pretty nice, dude. I know you were so talented. Look at that is. Dead on accurate, isn't it? A little close to the waves, though, I got to say. You just have to critique everything, don't you? I do.

I look, where did I come from, Eric? Come on. I actually like, you took the time to make a Trojan horse entering the gates. That was really impressive. It was really cool. You can enter, like, a contest with this, dude. Yeah, I should. Wow, my God.

another thing that could enter a contest is how good this live episode on Conan the Barbarian in. Hell yeah, dude. This could be part of the live podcast Good Things contest we might start out. Exactly. Because, you know, we did a little Odyssey riff there for you on the Sandcastle. And this is the swords and sandals type of thing. There you go. This is in Minneapolis, if I'm not mistaken.

It's amazing resilient city of Minneapolis. We had a lot of fun being there even though we were there in the winter. but it was a great time and a great show, great venue, and great people. Absolutely. Fantastic time. And this was just, I mean, just you talk about the coming together

of a lot of great stuff here. You know, sword and sandal, sorcery nonsense, Arnold impressions, like, this show's got it all. And I have to say, I am very proud of the fact we were releasing two episodes this month containing Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

Yes. You had a brief respite last week with Broken Arrow, but the week before that indeed was total recall. But yeah, this Conan show is fantastic. And Conan the Barbarian, have to say, pretty fun movie. Pretty fun movie. And another pretty fun movie is Pulp Fiction, which is going to be our We Love Movies episode for this month on the Patreon.

Great episode, great movie. That's right. I should say also, because we haven't plugged it at all in these rounds of introductions. Say it here, because it came out the end of last month. People might have missed it. Volume four of our Modern Horror Recap show, Scarity Cats, which is a video and audio podcast. where we were covering Evil Dead Rise. That is available now, the top tier of the Patreon.

That's a lot of fun. Just in time for the pile of shit that is Evil Dead Burn. My God in heaven. Yeah. Check out the summer finale of OnScream Live where we reviewed that one. You know, it was being Evil Dead Burn from last week when you got piss in my eyes. It's still burning. Yeah, I can smell.

I could smell it. I'm not going to doctors. I'm like you, Eric. I'm not doing this. I'm not even going to deal with it. And watching Eric's eyes burn from piss makes me a smiling time friend, which is our animation damnation. Smiling friends.

There's no time about it. Oh, damn it. I'm an old man. It's okay. Smiling friend, because that's our animation damnation episode, which I was not odd. So I've not seen that show yet, which is why I oldly got it wrong.

By the time this episode airs, hopefully Steve is a big fan of the popular cartoon Smiling Friends. I hope so. It's a good one. Mm-hmm. We also had a really wild gleeped glossary this month. Yes, we talked about droma, which is a, you know, I said last week what he is. I won't go into it again, but it's not great.

And that's a side show where we poke fun at the tertiary Star Wars characters. And this is as tertiary as it gets. And this being a month, it's going to be, we did a once in a lifetime on a lifeguard's obsession, a.k.a. Buts the movie again. honestly one of the better one lifetime movies to actually sit down and watch I will say yes body counts but the whole thing a tiki bars involved

AJ or IPJ oh man you learn about AJ and his horrible murder in two days from now if you're listening to this on the day it comes out which is the 25th of August on Thursday the 27th once on a lifetime on a lifeguard's obsession drops a lot of fun there last week We also dropped an episode of The Nexus where we talked about the great TNG two-parter unification,

featuring Leonard Nimoy and Mark Leonard guesting as Spock and Sarek, respectively. A lot of fun there. And we had a big wild-ass Melro 210, Steve. That's right. We talked about we're in college now. Andrea loses her V card. That's what I'm saying for a 40-plus-year-old woman to do. And we also have.

Yeah. We're also talking about Amanda, Amanda and Michael's steamy romance and what Kimberly says about it on Melrose Place. And tonight, if you're listening to this the day it comes out, we're going live on After Dark, answering your questions at 8 p.m. Eastern tonight. So mark your calendar.

If you're at top-tier patron, we're going to be talking to you and listening to you and just telling stories and having a good old time. Vibing and bribing. It's a lot of fun. It's a nice hangout. And yes, even though we are on some sort of fake mountain retreat in these intros, we will be there live for our patrons to do that even though we're off.

So don't worry about that. 8 p.m. Eastern, going to be a lot of fun. So yes, that's it. This was us live in Minneapolis talking about Conan DeBalbion. Bats. Carbarian. Coming to a theater near you from Universal Pictures. Guys sound like a snake cult. Oh, just one of those snake cult.

they have. They're popping up everywhere. Not seeing big helmets, though. None of the two snake helmets. We should get more of those going. That's polite. Leave your big snake helmet at home. Someone behind you can't see if you're wearing your snake helmet tonight, so I appreciate you all for leaving it. Well, how will they not know I am the leader of the snake cult if I'm not wearing my helmet? Minneapolis, what is happening? Oh, my goodness. Goodness gracious. I'll say off the bat, this is the first time we have been in your amazing, resilient, beautiful city. Yeah, her.

Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. Fuck yeah. So I just thought real quick, we'd go down the line here and introduce ourselves. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Even Sadak.

And we are Wee Hey Movies from New York fucking City. How y'all doing this evening? Oh, man. I like that. It'll excuse me real quick. There's that. Get that out of the way. Look at that.

Oh, my God. It's a big boy right there. Is that the riddle of steel right there? A fun time in the hot town tonight, y'all. They switch it up. It's the enigma of steel, the secret of steel, the riddle of steel. I don't get any answers. It's all bullshit.

That's why. It's all just donkey shit. Fools errand. We learn that flesh is stronger than steel, folks. I'm not sure if I agree with that. totally. Hey, Steve. Someone up in the mezzanine.

Come down, my son. Jump. No, kidding. Don't do it. Don't do it. Do not do that. Steve, is that what they're telling all the fat guys on Forged In Fire?

Yes. Well, I like how Christianity came around. It was like, what if we just peddle people like easy things to hear? Instead of like have them worship snakes and steel and whatever else? Well, snake handling did make it through it all. It did. I was born a snake handler and I'll die a snake. Many people have died that way

And you know what? God bless them. How many of y'all are familiar with the show We run on the internet? Oh, okay, that's good. If you're new to the show, welcome on in. We're happy to have you here. We are a comedy podcast where we take a movie, good, bad, or otherwise.

This is pretty cool. And we poke around, do some fun impressions, and get a little blue. We'll say that up front. It gets a little blue. If you're unfamiliar and you're like, What are the words coming out of their mouths? Apologies on that.

This show is rated PG-45. That's a good one. Yes, if you're 45, you should still get parental guidance. Yes. If you still live at home with your parents, ask them if it's cool to come out tonight. If you believe in crumb, honestly, you might not want to be here. Yeah.

Any crom worshippers in the crowd? Because this might get a little offensive. Oh, wow. Okay. My favorite detail about crom is the father says, oh yeah our god lives underground you know what that means what's that Satan oh yeah it's the way I was raised that's the only God I know is he a God

he's sort of God I'm right sort of the God to like you know cool people that work at a coffee shop yeah okay you know a security guard at a metal club or something I got the theory that crom is Satan that's yeah Four Winds is St. Peter I get that yeah yeah yeah what if it's just like a sort of opposites thing like in their world like the good guys are down and the demons are up there, you know. That's a good point, you know.

Demons, they always fly around. Yeah, every which way. Any which way but loose. Yes. Fuck, that was a great song. I was like, if they cut that song for us to come out, we may need them to just put it on so we can run in it its entirety.

How many of you all have seen Conan the Barbarium before we announced it as the show topic? Ooh, all right. Nice work. How many of you own it on Home Video? Final question Conan the barbarian tattoos in the audience Exactly what I thought

Excellent You all passed fantastic Good work Well maybe after the show tonight You're wandering somewhere Actually we saw a tattoo shop right down Down yonder there You know get a suad tattoo

Maybe a cool snake Don't be bashful Eric Eric is an amateur tattoo artist over here And he will give you Get a little pen burn it He'll do it for you Important word there is amateur Yeah, it's prison style, pen.

You know, it's, I jam a pen in you. Or you could go get a Dulcadum tattoo, and what you do is you go to the tattoo artist, you're like, listen, you know what James Earl Jones looks like, right? Like, yeah, okay, sure. It's him in Courtney Cox's wig from Scream 3. Okay, got it. No, you got it, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, not bad. Amelius, I have one question about the wig I'm wearing. What is with the half-inch bang, man? Pretty dumb if you ask old James. Earl. Oh, this is all wrong. This is Jason Mewes' wig from stream three. This shouldn't be, no. First came steel, then we cut the hair into bangs. Speed of steel, we do open on a forged and fire

kind of moment here. Yes. Nothing but tang. I'm seeing a lot of tang here. Yeah, what do you think, Steve? Was this accurate to what's going on on that show? He did a, they do a snow quench at the end there, which I really appreciated. It was kind of great. We're watching it in the hotel a few hours ago and that part happens and Steve goes, snow quench. I don't know about that. As if he's made a thousand

swords. Fucking Hotori Hanso down there. Listen, I watched the chopped of sword making quite a bit. And it's pretty damn good. Would the judges allow it? If that was to happen, would the judges be okay with that?

I just think that that sort's probably going to crack honestly. I don't think it's going to last the stress test on it. Well, one guy really cheered for this forging and fire stuff. Do you have a home forge, sir? Oh, no, no, home forges in the audience? No. Anybody out there making their own weapons?

Because that's weird. That's, I mean... That's why we put the security up front. And like a lot of John Milius movies, well, maybe. I don't know. We got to start with a Nietzsche quote. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Really gets that guy's fucking worldview in one sentence. Nietzsche and Schwarzenegger. I wanted those two things to be separate. I just want to like over here and over there. I'm kind of uncomfortable about the quote you're starting to move you with. I'm Uber-Menching at the gym. I'm Uber-Menching. At home, it's terrific.

Why don't we have the whole thing right on top? The whole Friedrich Nietzsche, all of his writings. First, we don't have to do a movie even, John. It's just a weird philosopher to, like, swords and sandals and some guy that lived 10,000 years later. Yes, exactly. Ord sandals and some guy, dude. I'd watch that. Oh, I know.

Oh, yeah. So, legendary Japanese actor, Mako, is narrating this film as well as starring as The Wizard, I believe. Well, apparently, the producers want, or not, I'm sorry, John Millius wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to narrate. He really did. And then, like, the producer's like, nah, dude. Because I do think he'd be like, I guess you're wondering how I found myself in this situation. Well, we'll have to back up a few weeks to tell the whole story. Yes.

Okay, six days ago. Well, it starts, I mean, this tells you they're thinking franchise right away because it starts with what would be like the third or fourth sequel of being like, oh, he didn't get the jeweled crown of Aquitus or on his troubled brow. It's always troubled. Conan is always troubled. Schwarzenegger has like that Neanderthal brow. It's a troubled brow.

Oh, it's... My new album, more swords, more problems. Why is it selling so badly? Can't they understand it? This narration is kind of funny, though, because if you don't pay attention, there's a detail that slips right by the goalie where it's like something, something,

and also Atlantis sunk around this time. And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second, man. I already got witches, wizard, swords, ghosts flying around. You can't just drop Atlantis and... of this whole thing. The lost city of Watt. We don't go underwater. Maybe we're setting it up for Conan 4.

It would be so fucking funny like he sees the ocean for the first time. He's like a fucking cat totally scared of water. But I must to liberate the Atlanteans or something. I'm not sure, John, if I can drink all that. That's a lot of water, John.

He's kind of, in the beginning, we have baby Conan living with his, like, hippie libertarian parents. Yeah, whatever this compound is, like in the forest or whatever. Right, and the father's like, the only thing that matters is weapons, just like libertarians. I thought that this father was Burgess Meredith for a second, and they, like, dyed his hair super brown and somehow made him not an old man. Come on, Conan, you gotta do it. You gotta pick up the sword. It's like Burgess Meredith that a beege's wig, kind of.

Yeah, totally. That's one dude that wasn't staying alive. I was going to say, we don't have. Oh, come on, he's been dead for 20 years. enough already. I can tell by the way I walk I'm a ladies man, rock. A ladies man!

You got no time to talk. We can make fun of some more reasonably, Dad, if you prefer. Oh, no, no. I was cracking the newspaper today. Oh, my God, they moved the funny pages to the front. Good Lord. Either of the people you're talking about aren't even cold yet. Sorry.

Oh, Lord. But yeah, the father is like, we worship crumb, not Shel Silverstein, not Harvey Pekar. We grow crumb, our crumb. That's who we are worshipping. That's right. Yes, it's important, Conan, that the ladies have giant asses. That's very important, Conan. Perhaps you would like to give me a cool piggyback ride.

You know, those Silversteinians, they will build houses in their heads. They'll do it. I do think, like, the, because this movie is very much like in the, not in the mold of, but like, Superman had come out, Flash Gordon come out, like we were doing these kind of pulpy comic book adaptations in the early 80s. And like in the Superman movie, Christopher Reeve weirdly dubs his like teenage self,

you know what I mean, to let you know that it's Christopher, he's going to grow up to be Clark Kent. In case anyone would be fucking confused, but sure that was a decision they made, yeah. It's creepy as hell, and it would be so much better if this little kid who does not talk

is just like, hello mother, hello father. I am at Camp Juan and Adal. Father, a dog man, a red-headed dog man is coming for me, Father. Oh my God, this dog man, this scout guy? Terrifying. Could you imagine? So, like, the village is being raided by these, like, Rough Rider kind of dudes that come in, and there is a guy. Yeah, he's kind of like a feral dog man as like the little scout guy.

No, my design for not enough payoff. You know what I mean? Like, he's got a really cool tattoo thing going on. To never be seen again in the movie. and let's give him a cool death like an arrow through the head or something. That's exactly. A lot of these guys get owned in this battle,

you know, for the hippies. Good going. You actually killed a few of them. But like the redhead is fine. That's it. You only see him on the rock and that is it. Dad's got this freshly made sword just cutting up these invaders a little bit.

It lets you know that Conan's got some good stock, you know? Yeah. No, he comes from good people. The father's murdered almost immediately. and this is a bad way to go. I mean, axe to the back. And then, if that's not bad enough, eaten by dogs. Yes.

And the dogs have little suits on. It remind me of the little dog. They were trying to get an Alien 3 to play the little alien. I'm like, oh, that's cute. That's cute. Oh, no, they're devouring him. Oh, great. You put a dog in a costume in a movie, extra half star, I have to say.

I do feel if I was being, like, eaten by the, that's just fucking adorable. Jesus Christ. she might be biting out my throat but it's fucking cute it's weird because it's very triumphant music and it's like da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da and he's like now my genitals are being eaten that's a real like shoot me in the head with an arrow if you don't mind you know what I mean?

Great raid sequence I love the horse that goes right through a house that horse actor has a look on his face like I'm not getting paid enough for this shit come on now I did know how shit on me Animals were harmed on this production. They had it to me. You know that elephant didn't make it to the end of the day.

No. I think he punches that camel in the face for real. Yeah. No, when he punches that camel and it drops dead. And everybody looks, you think it's supposed to be like, oh, Conan, but it's really, Arnold, what the fun did you just do? It's either that...

Hey, John Millius, roll the camera. Mel Brooks doesn't have the guts for this. I'm all. Donald Schwarzenegger and this is Camel Punch. This week's episode on Conan the Barbarian is brought to you by StoryBlocks. Now folks, StoryBlocks offers a 100% human-made stock media library that's essential for creators with millions of curated assets, including footage, music, sound effects, templates, and images for easy pre-licensed use. And you can get all of that under one subscription.

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and the StoryBlocks plugin allows you to search and download assets directly inside Premier Pro and After Effects. How about them, Apple's gang? Head to storyblocks.com slash WHM to access the human-made stock media library that's essential to my workflow. for a limited time, they're offering 15% off any annual plan. And that discount is only available through my link. Again, that's storyblocks.com slash WHM for 15% off annual plans. Storyblocks, let's do it, folks. It's either that or like the best camel actor I've ever seen.

But after this, I mean, the camel union had Millie is a gun to the head for the rest of his life after this. Are we need a camel stuntman here for this punch? Yeah, I was the camel stunt man. I got punched by Conan the Barbarian. Just roll into your hump there. You'll do great on this stunt. I was this close. Before that son of a bitch punched me,

I was disclose to getting the Joe Camel biopic. I was right there. And that son of a bitch took it away from me. They are cooking up people in this village like it's a fucking Star Wars funeral. It's awesome. Really enjoy it. You got Sven Othorson right here. He's one of the main goons for James Earl Jones.

Without the beard, though, it's a little... It took me by surprise, because it's just bare-faced Venn, and I don't like it. That's a man that was born with a fucking goatee on. Yeah. And it needs to stay that way. This is very unsettling. Well, he looks... Because he's also got the bangs, because you need bangs in this outfit.

He does kind of look like Christopher Gaston Spinal Tap if he took the bane serum. Like, just a jacked version of it. The amp goes up to 11. One quarter-sized stone hands is inaccurate. I've been enjoying this. Just keep going. I feel like I'm part of the audience here. Come on now.

I haven't been able to re-watch any Rob Brynter movies yet, so those are the only two quotes I got. Sorry about that. So the leader takes off his helmet right here, and wouldn't you know it, it's James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom. Which to me sounds like a good. Girl Scout cookie.

Yeah. A delicious, be-bangged Girl Scout cookie flavor. I'm just shocked that Brian Doom went with such a big name for his son. I don't know why. You're a normal Brian. Why go that big? Just a dominant doom. That would be good.

Yeah, you came from a normal family. Yeah, hi, we're the Dooms. Hi, we're just... We're up the street now. Martha and Greg Doom, this is our son, Thalsa. No, not Tulsa. It's a P.H. fucking listen to me. So we're cooking up a chicken and half of a body of a man here for the family dinner.

Son, you could be whatever you want. Yeah, snake cult leader, too. Anything you want. I was thinking gym teacher, but snake cult leader for sure. Whatever makes you happy, hon, because then you know what? If you're happy with what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. Excellent, mother, I shall start a snake cult. Now, you do know, Harvey Pekar has his snake cult, and he's ready to go at any time. I don't want to dissuade you. Just have that in your mind.

A Pittsburgh-located snake cult? That's a fucking George A. Romero movie. There's plenty of them. Was it Cleveland, right? Cleveland, man. Oh, is it Cleveland? Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Well, there's weirdos in there, too. You know what? That's a trash city. I like Minneapolis. Yeah. Anyone listening in Cleveland, you're okay. We are having a better time here. That's the truth.

Yeah, go ahead, dude. No, no, that's it. So his mom's head gets caught off in front of him. Yeah. And I got to tell you, a slow-motion decapitated head coming right by this child actor's face. Now, hear me out. I know it's not supposed to be really funny.

No, but as it turns out, it's really, really funny. It's funny. Come on, it's funny. And he kind of like reaches out his hand in slow motion. It's like, bitch, you already missed. It's in the snow. Also, you don't want to catch it. You might think in the moment you want to catch it, you do not want to catch it.

Oh, because if you catch it, dude, then you're going to be next to be decapitated. Is that how it goes? Well, it's like with wedding bouquets, I think, right? I sort of assumed, you know, you catch something. You're the next to, you know, get married or be decapitated. At the very least, it's like a flag. It shouldn't touch the ground. You should try to get it first because otherwise you got to burn it.

Oh, fuck the head touched the ground. We've got to throw in that mailbox in front of the post office. What is so funny is this lady gets beheaded because she is so knocked out by how gorgeous James Earl Jones is. That is a rare one. I haven't seen that one before. Looking sharp in this, the bangs are working. Bangs are working for somebody. And the blue eyes.

Yeah. It's gorgeous looking all around, but the problem is the stare because this movie is two hours and nine minutes when it should be 97 minutes long. And so much of it is James Earl Jones just. staring at people, and then they stare back at James Earl Jones. You start to see the magnetism, right? You could see why this guy is a

snake cult leader. Do you think it was happening to the editor of the film? He was just getting so hypnotized by it? I also think a little bit of like, hey John, should I have a speech or something? No, you should not. What you're going to do is look off into the distance wistfully.

Yes. So you cut to a line of children tied together in some sort of death march, which is not funny. That's not funny. I'm sorry, a little kid chain gang is kind of funny.

All right, I'll give you kind of funny. And also, but here's the thing. I mean, like, I would say don't take child slaves, no matter what. I'm against it. I want to put that right there. Yeah. But if you got that in writing, dude.

Did you hear that? The Justice Department? Come on. Should not exist. Yeah, you could drop that investigation now. No, but if, if you're going to do it, maybe put them to work at something

that makes any sense. Oh, I love this. The push machine that powers nothing. What you're doing, you're setting up your own demise because you're making these little kids push this wheel. It's a great workout. They're all becoming these fucking Frank Buffington's.

They're going to overthrow you and then your whole operation screw. And it does seem like you're at least for this kid. I don't know about the other kids. This kid is getting protein, morning, noon. Night. He's getting it all the time. I have a theory on that because we don't see any really other adults at the end

there. I think they fall down and then he has to eat them or something. Oh, dude, like a mother gerbil. Snake cult are known cannibals we come to find. He's pushing this thing. Again, you want to like zoom out and it's like, oh, that's an irrigation system or there's grain

or something. Right. No, every day is leg day when you're pushing this. I feel like Sisyphus. And it's kind of great because I'm pretty sure it's the only time in film history where the passage of time is documented by the character's thighs getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it's full-grown Arnold. Yeah, that's child thighs being turned into man thighs, just by eating them up.

Well, they don't fuck around like Superman where there's like teenage guy. They don't waste any of that time. It's little kid, disgusting shitboy Conan. and then just legs for like 10 minutes of montage and then it just comes up and beautiful Arnold in the dumbest reshoots wig you've ever seen. Yeah, I mean just like Jesus Christ, baby only than adult. Yeah, it's true.

Not the only thing, time we're going to be talking about Jesus Christ tonight, sorry everybody. Don't worry about that. Have you heard the word? No, no. Oh, we're not doing that? All right, no. Of crumb.

Ah, yes, the word of crumb. I do, I want the moment, we don't see. it, but at some point they just like, all right, you're going to do pit fighting, Conan. I just want like the, oh my God, the big, the big bopper called out tonight. We need another act, like, you know what I mean? Like the behind the scene stuff. Oh, no, the day the music died. But he hardly knows.

There should be, there's not, because it's just like, you boy, now you fight to the death, but there should be like Arnold like, me, me, me? They call him in early because it looks like, you know, They set him down on one side and his enemy on the other side, and it looks like they're supposed to be like, make friends. Come on, have some fun together before you kill each other. Come on. Don't just sit there and don't talk.

Oh, they're sitting there and not talking. A lot of people are sitting and not talking in this movie. That's right. There's weird. Seldom dialogue, but they put him up against bitey first. Yeah. Dude, this guy looks like fucking Baraka from Mortal Kombat. This, like, all the, like, saw teeth this guy has, wild face on him.

And when he starts biting Conan, you get all those great Arnold noises you love. Like, oh, wow, wah, wah, wah. It's like he just fell on the surface of Mars. You called him the big biter. I didn't know you being literal. Yeah, and this is like what's going to be happening this summer on the White House lawn, I think, this kind of fighting. Is that what we're doing? America.

Get your cali. Get all your cal sheet. bets in. Get all your cal she bets in right now, folks. If your cal she bets in, will the country make it until the end of the calendar year? Let's find out. Yeah, you could put the child slaves in the Lincoln bedroom thing.

Oh, no. No, it's fine. In a line like that. That's fine. It just got renovated. It's no longer stuffy. A couple things in this montage that are awesome, because it's like a series of fights, you know. Arnold in a spectacular

cod piece at one point. Bummer that that didn't come back. Well, he's, like, getting, like, cooler and cooler outfits. Like, some of them, I'm like, I want to hit pause and, like, I want to watch that movie. When he's got, like, those cool Wolverine claws for, like, three seconds. Those are pretty awesome. And what he's doing there pretty cool, it's, like, the proto-Wakonda Forever move that he's doing? Pretty awesome.

Oh, and then also... I want the one scene where it's, like, in the middle of his, like, great run of being a killer fighter, like, tell me the truth. Should I get my teeth shop? and a lot of the guys are getting their teeth sharpened. Conan, you're not trained in biting. You don't know what you're doing up there with biting. I just feel like I'm at a disadvantage with these soft, beautiful teeth.

You know, one day I'll show you there'll be a vulture on my neck and I will bite it. I will bite the neck. I can bite necks. We'll get to that, but it is one of the funniest parts of this movie. Oh, the other thing, though, because we've got to keep track of this too. We've got to keep the head count. Yes.

Conan definitely just holding a head up at one point, so that's two decapitations in the film so far. We're like nine minutes in, two decapitations deep. I love it, man. I love a head rolling. Oh, yeah, but so he basically, like, they send him out. Like, he gets so good at fighting. They're like, okay, now you're 35 years old.

It's time to learn how to read, I guess. He learns how to read at 35 and loses his virginity just like me. So, yeah. So I related a lot to the film. I do have to ask you, Eric, were you put into a fuck zoo at that when you were young? Was that how you lost it?

No, no. No, no. No one wanted to see that. I was in a darkened void. Oh, okay. It was like an under the skin situation. I'm surprised because I would think that'd be a nice community builder. Like, oh, come on. He's, this is Virginia D.D. Yeah, we got the gate up and everything. My family was weird,

not that weird. But yeah, it's like, oh, look at the big fella. He's fucking that lady. Like, everybody's behind watching. It's pretty odd. It's kind of weird. I think he's more Maco narration and he's like, he also came to know the pleasure of women when he was bred

to the finest stock uncomfortable but it also begs the question I think there's some little Conan the barbarians running around that this movie doesn't talk about definitely right? At least many right, the finest stock. Stock means a lot. Well, surprise, John Millius was like

no, little Gangus Khan will do this well. Let's put him in with the Gangus Khan stuff. That's great. do see him looking at paper. I don't know if we see him reading necessarily. I mean, we know that he's kind of just staring at it like these are some cool figures on this scroll. I wonder if it means anything. All right, Conan, here's your mark. You got to make your mark. We're not, no, you cannot spell. We're not letting that happen. We just need you a mark here, a little O and an X maybe. Everyone can't sign with an X, yeah. There's this moment where we're just kind of hanging out,

talking philosophy. What is best in life, Eric? What is best? I would think a falcon at my arm and the wind in my hair. Yeah, that's not... You're wrong! You're totally wrong. Oh shit, what is it then? It's... What is it? It's a... killing a bunch of people and bathing in their blood?

No, it's... Oh. With you and your buddies, your mom got the Pizza Hut, and then the N64 is going, and you got the orange soda in the fridge. And you take Bogzilla out, and you rip one, bro. brother. Can we talk about

those sensational little bits of Instagram content for a second? The 90s called and they want you back. They do. Or the 80s or whatever? Yes. Your algorithm tells you. It is some of the saddest shit you will ever see in your life. Like, I get it.

I enjoy watching reruns of the X-Files and Star Trek Voyager and pretending like everything's fine for a couple hours just like everybody else. But to wish that you were 10 years old again and Mommy's buying Pizza Hut and a 3-liter Pepsi and you're fucking playing Golden I-64?

Loser shit, man. And on top of it all. Buy your own Pizza Hut. It's not that expensive. You got it. You got this. Pizza Hut has cratered. You can afford Pizza Hut. Your age is fine. Just add Bongzilla. You're fine. You'll be fine. Don't worry. And that's what this Google Dahl's meme got right

because this fucking thing is, remember the 90s. and they're all just filled with vaporwave music that didn't exist for another 30 years. This has been our last five days with him. Yeah. Well, Steve keeps bringing him up, and I keep talking about how much I hate them. This tour is really tough on me.

In between this. But no, it's bathing in blood and the sorrow of the women. It's the enemies driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women, right? That's it. Right, right, right, right. Which is great also. Great, great motto.

By the lamentation's called, they want you back. Great motto. Hard to put on a t-shirt, I guess. And I guess he does such good philosophy that this guy frees him. Dude, this is like some Harry in the Hendish and shit. Like, get out of here, Conan.

Nobody wants you anymore. I kind of want like a scene where this guy's like, Conan, don't you ever want to be free? You know what I mean? Like a scene in a movie. You know what I mean? What is free? What is that?

I don't understand. It's already two hours and nine minutes long, dude. I don't need this nobody character saying anything, frankly. The funny thing is the second he's freed, he's chased by, I would like to assume, the same wild dogs that ate his dad. Yeah. They've been waiting for him. They got a scent for, yeah, the family.

Holy shit, I never thought I'd eat this again. He trips and falls into the kingdom of the skeleton kings. Yes, yes. The Society of Skeleton. are here, Conan. Near before us, Conan. Not the League of Skeletons yet, they'll come later. This man is wrong.

He has far too much muscle and mass. He's not a skeleton. Not yet anyway. You must find others to eat the meat off your bones so that you may become a strong skeleton, Conan. It is kind of hilarious when Conan goes into this cave because it's all dark, you can't see anything. And then he lights a torture of fire.

I don't think he takes one look around. It's like, my, there sure are a lot of skeletons in this cave. Including Super King's skeleton, which he thinks is his own god. Take a legendary sword, leave a legendary sword. You know, whatever you want. King skeleton. You're cleaning it just by banging it on the ground. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, crumb. It would be great if it just shattered to pieces like, oh shit. who's made of wood that should have happened and then some like Indiana Jones thing happens and he's got to get out of there or something he should fight the skeleton apparently this is a mystical world

why not because that's you gotta animate them skeletons that's what that is one of the funniest edits in this movie there's two really hilarious edits I think but this one is he comes out of the cave and he's got the sword and he's looking he's like my those dangerous dogs are still there

and then it just cuts to Conan walking into a village wearing dog belt all over him. Boy, I taught those dogs are less. I made them skeletons. I want to...

You know he ate those dogs. Absolutely. Definitely, dude. I got a feeling we're eating dog a lot in this movie and the movie's just not telling you. You might turn off some viewers with that. It's definitely not chickens, though.

We're not seeing many chickens. I think there's like two tops. Remember when your mom was just ordered some dog and Crom was on in the cave? X-Files' new episodes were airing. Oh, man. Good old days. Hot from a dog hut, which we love.

Stuffed crust dog. I don't know. Is that anything? Probably not. Yeah. Dog tenders would be nice. Bownless dog tenders. You know, the kids' menu would have that. It's delicious. So he wanders into this village and wouldn't you know it,

he comes upon a sexy lady. Who is also a secret monster. He basically fucks this lady for directions You know, like Oh, I'll tell you, Conan But there's something you need to do for me first She introduces it, it's like There's a price barbarian

You have to have nasty sex with me Oh no Oh, she's turning into a vampire or something Better throw her in the fire Wait I have hit it and then quit it And by quit it I mean throwing her into a fire Wait, where are the bars?

It's supposed to be in a zoo of some sort before I do this. I cannot perform sexually unless an entire village is watching us go at it. Where are your neighbors? Neighbors, come round. I'm about to fuck over here. But as they're going, she's just like, if you go down the road, pass the gas station. If you hit the gas station, it's too far. Okay.

And he's like, this is good information to have. Oh, oh, a left at the old mill. And it's like something, something she mentioned. snakes and it's a great snakes. Did you say snakes? Cut to Joe Pesci, snakes. I don't know no snakes. I also

hate snakes. Are you guys going to give up or are you thirsty for more? Try to catch me, you horse's ass. There are some home alone hijinks later on. There are, yes. Well, she turns into evil light. He throws her into fire. She turns into evil light and bounces around her neighborhood for a

little bit before he finally understands what to do. Here's what's going on though. They are copulating as folks do and that's all fine. I've heard. And then she turns into a fucking deadite from Evil Dead. And he continues thrusting

for a few more puns than I would if all of a sudden I found out I was fucking a monster. That's just me. You got to finish, right? Yeah. I'm crumbing. I'm crumbing over here. crumbing in the gym. I'm crumbing day and night. It's terrific.

I didn't know. I've made women make that sound before. I don't know if it's a witch or not. And also, like, he's cool with it if she's cool with it. You know what I mean? But then she tries to kill him, and he's like, that's not okay. But then she turns into like a flame version of the electric gremlin and starts popping from candelabra to candelabra until she scoots out of the hut, laughing at him the whole way?

Let's not kink shame. That's what she likes. And he just looks out at the sky and goes, cram. You nasty trickster, cram. The next morning, he's just wearing his dog outfit, like, well, that was interesting. I would never talk about anything else.

Here's the other thing about that, though. You just made me realize. He has this crazy thing. He's fucking banging this deadite, throws her in flames. She reincarnates and flies out and laughs at him. He sleeps in this hut. Yeah.

It's nice and warm. I would find anywhere else, man. I don't know. He's got the hut to himself now. He's fine. Cool. I wasn't going to be able to sleep over if she was also here. This pile of hay is clearly made for one person.

I'm going to browse her media collection now that she is gone. Look at all her terrible music selections. Oh, she must have gone to Fort Lauder. So he meets his pala, his Subatai is this guy, and, yeah, woo, yeah, Subitai here, is that who? Did you woo for yourself, sir? Is that what that? You were great in the flick. You were great.

Fantastic, sir. So he kind of like takes up the quest with Conan is the idea. There's something about, like, he hasn't eaten in a while, and Conan initially is like, yeah, and you're not going to eat now either. They cut back and they're talking about what gods they pray to but I would rather be like So there I am, we're going at it It's totally cool

I'm having a good time, she's having a good time All of a sudden, the monster This ever happened to you man? This dog's great but that's crazy Conan That's fucking crazy man And then yeah I threw in the fire Yeah you had to bro, you had to No I was all the way there

And I just you know what I didn't throw in the fire It's just how I was brought up. I didn't do that. Wait a minute. Hang on a second, man. After you threw her to the fire, did she fucking escape his little fireball fly away

and laugh at you? Yes, is the matter of fact that this is what happened. Yeah, I heard about this chick, man. She's fucked up. Yeah, by the way, yeah, yeah, you should probably get tested, man. Fireball?

No, that's not normal, man. Yep, same thing happened to a guy I know, absolutely. Yeah. Tested by who? Yeah, you're not going to piss right for a while. Yeah. The best thing is he folds so quickly on this crumb shit

Because Sumatai is like, I believe in the four winds, they're above crumb. They take on everything and he's like, oh, crumb laughs at your four winds. And then immediately he's like, he's above all of your crumb shit. And he's like, oh, I guess he's right. He's right. It turns out you have blown to my mind, Supertai. Hello, brother. Tell me about this.

Hello, brother. Have you heard about the Four Winds? Oh, please. No, let me sit down here. Hi. It's above Crom. Here's a pamphlet. You know, you don't have to fuck monsters anymore. What? But what if I like fucking monsters?

What will you do then, Mr. Four Wins? The monster fucking is mostly in the more Sendak crowd. That's more of a thing, really. Oh, let the wild rumpus fuck. Mm-hmm. A few of you got that. That's cool. So they come across this city, the two of them are on this journey.

Great little moment here. Arnold, like they got some street food. It's like a little lizard on a stick and he's just kind of going at it. They're kind of Star Wars food here a little bit. A little salacious B. Crumb action here. Definitely. A Star Wars food in a movie where James Earl Jones

tells somebody he's his father. Weird. Weird. Something was in the air in the early 1980. Yeah, it was cooking people up by fire. It was also part of the Star Wars thing. It was true. That's right.

But really great observation by Conan the Barbarian here. I feel it's something the four of us what we do if we walked into a city like this, which is, does it always smell like this? Like he's never smelled like this many people, like this condensed before, I think is the idea. Right, that's what we smelled in Cleveland. But not here in beautiful Minneapolis.

I think that show was like five years ago. For me it was yesterday. But so they're searching around because Conan is looking for this snake logo that he saw the, you know, James Earl Jones folks were using there, and it's a lot of like, excuse me, have you seen this snake? I know, I see lots of snakes. I eat them. There's this guy who's giving them like information about this and he's like, well, two or three years ago, it was just a little. like any other snake cult out there, you see, and you're like, wait a second. How many are out there

at this moment? And then the guy's like, well, like, Subatai is like, where do you think we could find these people or something? He's like, uh, and there's this huge snake tower eight feet behind these people. You know you're at the snake district, right? This is like, Snake Central.

We're in the gift shop currently. That's the main attraction. So they get the information from the guy, but then they buy drugs from him. Yep. And their highest fuck wandering this town, and what does Arnold say about these women? They walk by some sex workers here,

and it's like, hey, Conan, want to have a good time, baby? And like Beavis and or Butthead, Conan the barbarian looks at them, and then looks at his friend and goes, they're sluts. Yeah, I'm totally good to score. And I don't think the word slut was around in the BC times.

No, no. Arnold Improv line. Soba Thai, this music video is quite poor. I also like Faith No More, Sobathai. This is pretty cool working at the burger shop. Let's put our fingers in the grease friar. Oh, look, it's the roller coaster video. Rollercoaster of love.

Yeah, sure. Then he punches a camel in the head. We talked about that. Son of a bitch. It just drops. It just absolutely drops. to the ground. So they meet Valeria here. This is Sandal

Bergman from Red Sonia and Hell comes to Frogtown. And she's looking to climb up this wall. So they kind of join forces to climb this wall together. And it's sort of a weird like, yeah, I guess you're on the team lady. You're pretty hot. I'll take you. Sure.

I like that she tells them like, okay, then you go first and then we cut to them getting up there and he's last. I don't know, man. Sounds like a continuity error to And here, these people are just practicing their peaceful snake religion. Thank you. This lady wants to sacrifice herself.

And they kill their god, their snake gods. Yeah. There we go. You dropped right out. No, I was afraid. The thing is you can't talk ill about a snake in this town. You never know. You know what I mean?

I thought you were being punished by crom. It's possible. Oh, you'll be punished by crom, all right. Don't worry about it. Well, yeah, and this cult is run by James Earl Jones's number two, who is a dead ringer for Lemmy Kielmeister. Yes. Unbelievable this guy.

If Lenny, like, Lemmy like never had a cigarette in his life, he looked like this guy. I don't remember the fellow's name. He was like an ex-football player. He played for the Raiders and the Packers for a while. But he was also a Metallica Rody, possibly. Another man without any dialogue. It's just like, yep, that's cool.

Ice and quiet. Except for the one moment where he sings, The snakes of faith. The snakes of faith. Good tune. We wind up like, it's him and Sobotai, Conan and Sobotai. They see this big snake.

Great snake puppet here. Amazing. Oh my God. One of the best snake puppets of all time. Take that chamber of secrets and your fucking shitty computer snake. Not damn right. Oh, I'm sorry.

Basilisk. Yes, I too shall disassociate myself with the chamber of secrets as that woman is a transphobe. Sorry. Even I get it. Fuck her. Even Conan the barbarians on board,

dude. That's how you know she's fucked up. Lady sucks. She sure does. Indeed. How many billions do you need to just shut your fucking mouth forever? Seriously. Just a quick question. You don't see George Lucas running his mouth

like that. He's stuffing it full of noodles as he should. Yes. That thing is for noodles. That gobbler's for noodles. That prescient, motherfucker, we've been making fun of them for years. Look what happened to the trade routes. True.

Told you. Just here enjoying my noodles and my diet Coke here. I'm going to have a big slice of mind to my own fucking business for a minute. Just going to put it out there. You'll live your fucking life however the fuck you want. Just don't take my orange chicken away. But they fucking wreck this snake.

The snake doesn't have a chance. If you want to see the funniest example of a puppet be decimated by swords, look no further than this movie. Oh, excuse me, swords and multiple arrows. This counts as another decapitation, I think. Oh, I think you're right. Wait, oh, you're totally right, so my count was off. Excellent.

But it counts, I think. It definitely does. I think it's worth, for all stone. and reptile fans out there. I would say generally, this should tell you, do not drug your snakes. This snake is fucking hung over

when it works out. It barely opens its eyes when like Arnold Schwarzenegger is just sweating on it and like nothing. That's my party snake, sorry. You're right. It's not even like the snake is like this big menacing thing.

It's like, ah, you're not going to like steal my jewel, right? Oh, that's fucked up. All right, now I'm waking up. Now you got me up. We needed him to be chilled out for the ceremony, you see. Yeah, some woman jumps down in to, like, be sacrificed. Yeah, that's the party.

That's what's happening. And she freaks out because she's surrounded by blood that's not her own. Very similar to Dragnet the movie, as I know everybody's seen. Multiple people went, there was a Dragnet movie, and then even more people went, what's Dragnet? The movie is with Dan Aykroyd, though. And Tom Hanks. Oh, Tom Hanks, that's right.

Tom Hanks, second build after Dan Aykroyd. That's disgusting. It's the only time in history that happened. Maybe they filmed the scene in the Great City of Minneapolis. Yeah. See, I did it. All right, I guess we could all do it. Copycat.

Sorry. Copycat. There's a weird thing, though, where you're seeing, like, so it's like Arnold and then the snake head is above him. and then real arrows are being shot into this puppet like six inches above him. If you were to believe the Tribune trivia, this is director John Millius doing it himself

because he was, quote, the best Archer on set. John, are you sure our insurance covers this? I'm into Archer's Union. Don't worry about it. I got this one here. Oh, I'll be fine. Arnold, do you mind if I put an apple on your head?

Listen, I'm not going to hit a great big Austrian guy. I know I can hit the steak puppet from here. Now, listen, I did hit Arnold. I'm going to tell you. I want to keep on the project, though. I think I should stay. It's okay. It only grazed his troubled brow.

It just ricocheted off. So this whole thing kind of goes tits up. They steal, there's like all this stuff. And then much like the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin, there's like this Jewel kind of. hanging in another place and you're like probably shouldn't touch that one. Something tells me this is the most

important one in the room. And there might have been a draft of this where like that jewel does anything. Anything. Steals your soul. Breeds fire. Earthquake. Always a good one. Things just start rumbling. That's a real cheap one. You just shake the camera and everybody pretends to fall over. You could do that.

Some styrofoam rocks hit you. That's fine. Yeah, Arnold going up with a bag of sand, take it a little out, and Or go full order the rings Oh look, now I am invisible Because I'm holding the jewel That's easy to do Very

I just love that snake puppet though I'm sad he was so decapitated But it's like It is one of the bloodiest parts of this movie too But they break off and they're like Super high and happy about You know robbing these snakes The snakes are like shaking their fist at him

And like they go to this party And they've just got all these jewels And I'm like Can you break an ancient Di-Diam And you know what? Just give me five rubies back. The rest is tip.

No, I can't break that. You got to buy something. All right, they'll have some Wrigley's gum. They start spending all this snake money in Snake Town. Yes, it's so stupid. Get the hell out of there. Dude, you need Robert De Niro running around being like, you've got to take that fucking pink car back,

get that fucking fur coat out of here. You're spending all the snake money now. What did I say about the double axes? I said, stay away from the, the double axes. You don't want to buy those. They attract attention. It's a deleted scene. They go to a different town where they don't accept snake

bucks, which is a problem. Oh, no. Currency issue. And then since they're looking to spend snake bucks, that town turns them into the authorities and they're on the run, probably. I love when he just passes out in this bowl of oatmeal. Oh, yes. It's amazing.

Oatmeal is being generous, dude. I think that's like snake-flavored gruel. Yeah. Because he falls in love or he's being acquainted with a Valeria. And here's where a scene where it's like, hey, this is why I like you and this is why you might like me and like romance or something.

No, just hard fucking. Yeah. That guy knows what I'm talking about. This guy knows what it's like to kill someone and then get that death boner. Yeah. And you're just rock hard from the murder you did. You gotta put it somewhere.

I mean, the name of the movie is not Conan the Bachelor. It is Conan the Barbarian. Oh man, I'm getting out there after all this time as Conan the Bachelor. Valeria, will you accept this rose? Please come down.

Oh no, they canceled my season of The Bachelor because I threw a sword at my ex-girlfriend. I'd argue those are the people you want to see on TV. I want to see a complete psychotic mess. They go back to the back of this tavern and it is like one of

the longest sex scenes you've seen in a non-pornographic film. They just keep fucking. So, babe, at what point will you be turning into a monster? That is kind of my thing. I cannot complete until you have transformed into a dead-eyed. It's the only way I can crumb. Come on, tell me, you're at least a wizard, right? You're a wizard of some kind.

Come on. The best is during this sex montage, they stopped to eat a bunch of men. meat off the bone? And again, I'm like, dog, person. It's like everyone's dream of fucking at Fogo de Chow. You know what I mean? So then they were apprehended and taken before Max von Seidow.

Hell yes. King Ozempic or Osric some shit. I don't know. He's in one scene. I couldn't learn his name. That's right. I have less nausea than before. No, I love the movies of Ingram Bergerman. And I just love the work side.

out of those. Max, yep. No, he's just basically like, you stole from me, you have great big nuts for doing it. I salute you, you're stupid enough to steal from me.

Take some rubies. Now get those balls out there and get my daughter. As their quested to find the daughter who's now, I guess, betrothed to Mr. Doom. It is. Yes, here's the thing

my daughter has fallen in with a snake man, you see. And I will not have my daughter dating a snake man if you know what I mean. Jesus, dude. Come on, man. Calm down, sir. It was a different generation. You have to...

So that is the quest. The quest, by the way, which falls, I don't know, 47 minutes into this movie. Good God. It's also a place for a middle. If this was the middle, I'd be very happy, but we're not near it. Because it's like, oh, if you come back, you'll get all the jewels you'll ever want, you'll be a king of your own, blah, blah, blah, blah. But be careful, heavy lies the crime, yada.

Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. I'm taking all of your warnings. But Valeria's like, you know, I've never, like, been with somebody. I always, and it's almost a nice scene which is like, you know, I walk by these tents and people are holding each other, and finally I have someone to hold. Let's not go on this quest. Like, yeah, I'll be going by myself.

Bye. It's kind of amazing. right? Because she's like, yeah, we have warmth that's so hard to find in this world. Let someone else do it, right? And he's like, yeah, okay. Can we have sex real quick?

No reason. And she wakes up and this dude is gone. Yeah. We enjoyed the jewel. Bye. You would think the absence of whatever he smells like at this point would really wake you up

because like, oh, daisies. They must have a sleep number bed because you would know if fucking Arnold got out. Absolutely, dude. This won't make sense to you all for another few years, but Asta la vista, baby. I'm trying out new material. So this is where he runs into the Manson family.

Oh, excuse me, the children of doom. I apologize. This is fucking mid-Somar shit. It's Millie is like grinding an axe against hippies, right? That's what this is. Yeah, John Millie is probably not a fan of hippies. I would. No, no, I don't think so.

And he does like this thing where it's like, oh, it's your classic, you know, I'm going to, which we do a couple times, Valeria does it earlier, like, knock somebody out and take their outfit. But there's this dude, and he like kind of flirts with him a little bit, and he's like, could we go over there and like be a little private? And I'm like, this is a movie, I want to watch. It's so crazy. He's like, I have to go over here. I'm afraid and I'm shy.

And this dude is like. my goodness, I've never seen a beefcake like this in our cult before, right this way behind the rock where no one's the wiser. This is right after he starts being roommates with Mako, right? Oh, yes, yeah. He does ride to Mako who lives on the ocean and he's a wizard and whatnot. And he starts yelling at him like, while I'm gone, you know, the chore wheel says you got to oil the sword today.

You oil the sword, you feed the horse, and you better take out the recyclables. because if I come back and there's just a bunch of bottles everywhere, I'm going to fucking lose it, wizard friend of mine. I did the dishes last time. No, I did the dishes last time. I told you I couldn't do the dishes tonight because I have to work the late shift at the diner.

What are you talking about? I told the skeleton nights that they would do the fucking laundry and the dishes tonight. Yes, you did, but we do not care. But also, like, he's busy narrating the movie. He's got a lot in his plate back. It does have a lot on his plate. That's fair.

So I kind of want him to like go all the way with this guy. Then like I'm going to steal his outfit eventually. We move him together. There's another experiment a little bit. Live a little, Conan. It just elbows him in the stomach and steals his clothes. Here's the thing. He's wearing the outfit and everybody like, well that guy doesn't belong here.

He looks very different than everybody else. He's constantly showing people this job. giant amulet he stole from above a giant snake thinking that this wouldn't be a red flag to anyone. And nobody is, nobody else has a bench press back in their village, I don't think. Just

generally, I don't think that's what's happening here. But so Thalsadune appears right here and he's making a big speech, he's dressed like a character from Wicked with this fucking outfit they got bored James Earl in, my God. Right, it's the state of the cult address, I think he's giving it. That's right. He said one of those a couple

weeks ago, as a matter of fact. It was just as incomprehensible as this one in the movie. But yeah, so Conan gets captured right here. There's a great moment of Sven Othorson stepping on his hand. Svenel, you're actually doing it, man. No, the ring is cutting into my finger. You're not acting anymore. You're not going to be in the next one, Sven.

After this, I'm not doing it again. No. Hey, Arnold, I heard real quick that Sveno was acting like a real turd on the set of Conan. Just saying if you want to. cast old Jesse in the next one instead of Svenol, I'd get it. You know who likes destroying things, Jesse? So if you want me

and Conan the Destroyer, I'm here to do it. That guy's a goddamn American hero. I love that, man. He absolutely is. He absolutely is. Hell yeah. We're not just saying that because he might be here and we're frightened. We're not, we're not just saying. That's only 10% of the reason we're saying.

He might come here. These people have an award-winning bathroom. He might come here just for the shitter. Yeah, when I'm ever in this part of town and I got to take a shit, I head to the varsity, award-winning bathroom. Every Thanksgiving, the Black Friday morning, I go to the varsity, take a huge shit,

get rid of Thanksgiving dinner in a board-winning bathroom, and then do my shopping. I know the owner. He lets me write in. Pure class. Pure class. But so, yeah, basically,

it's kind of great because those would do, All right. I'm just dealing with whatever the fuck this is. What the hell? Oh, it's Jesse Ventura. Oh, I see. Is it ticking? Someone has handed you a Jesse Ventura doll.

Thought it was a fucking IED for a second. Does that thing come alive at midnight? You got to tell us now. You better not feed me after midnight. Don't get it wet. Is he supposed to be holding an RT microphone and this? I don't know. but for a second I thought it was Lex Luthor.

Uh-oh, you got me wet. Now there's little ones popping out of my back. Uh-oh, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop goes to Jesse's. Oh, let's put this guy right there. That's great. Incredible. Thank you, sir. I thought you were a terrorist for a second, and I'm sorry about that.

It was instead a very cool gift. Thank you. But, you know, Dulce Doom is like, you killed my best snake. I'm really mad at you. Where is the eye of the serpent? and Arnold is like, you killed my father, you killed my mother, you stole his sword!

And I'm like, it's the sword that gets him mad. You know, the order of things. The parents is the one thing, but then the suad is a whole other situation. It's not the enigma of family or the secret of family. No. No, it's a secret of steel. Right, and he used to collect steel,

but now he collects flesh. And this is where he commands. On the mezzanese, sir, please jump down. No, do not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, do that. And the woman jumps down and she does. You broke into my house, stole my property. My servants and pets,

rifled through my record collection, raided the fridge, didn't flush the toilet. Yes, you, you neglected the cleaning instructions on the Airbnb. Clearly stated to take the recycling out. You took the wrapping off the motorhead record? You're out of here. You're fucking.

out of here. You did not read the binder that came with this Airbnb. A dirty binder we never even wiped down. And for that you shall be crucified. Are we done thinking that that's better than hotels, by the way? Are we done with that finally? Mostly. Yeah. My God. I don't need to take out your fucking recycling. Sounds like a you problem, Airbnb.

Just play janitor for us. It's fine. They ask you to take the guard. garbage out, then there's also a fucking $50 cleaning fee. Scam shit. Scam shit, I agree. Marriott doesn't do that. But he is crucified because he lifted for our sins.

On the tree of woe. This is some Yellow King shit. It's just a little too cracked for me. Is that the tree of woe like bad or whoa, kind of cool? There's the tree of woe, which is the bad one and the cool ones next to it. It would be awesome.

If they crucified him on the bad tree of woe facing the good tree of woe when he saw the fun they were having. Good tree of woe has N64 and your mother's bringing you pizza hut. The tree of woe, awesome. Three meat lovers, pizzas, right to you. Oh, come on.

Totally awesome 80s. Episodes of The X-fires are on and the guy across the street has been crucified. And all I've got is this crappy vulture meat. Come here, Vulture! Oh, the neck bite is great. Oh, my God. Him biting this puppet.

This lets you know exactly why he was never a guest on the Muppet show. Yes. This gets you on a blacklist somewhere. Well, they'd have to, of course, be a sketch where I eat one of them. So I'm the eagle. Get over here. You know, Arnold, we don't have doubles of these things. We try to keep, you know, these nice... I don't care.

I'm eating mischief. Piggy. Oh, that hurts. I'm bleeding. Waka, waka, whoa. Oh, hey Arnold, why did you eat my wife? I mean, she was a pig. What had something

good to do? I eat pigs. I eat dogs. Oh, hello, Ralph. Be fair, I was fucking her, and then she turned into a monster, I thought. So you threw her on the fire? You know that Jim Henson, he's an overreactor. He gets, oh, he's such a meany when he wants to be.

You're just having Charles Groden's sloppy seconds there coming. You would have been honored to have Groden's sloppy twos, dude. Come on. I would, yeah, I would have sex with him now. That'd be tough. That time I had Fargo sex with Charles Groden. You all know what Fargo sex is? Mm-hmm.

All right. It's not too far from here, right? Fargo? You ever go to Fargo and have sex like that? That's like Fargo-Fargo sex. If you're in town doing Fargo sex, Fargo sex squared. That's the ultimate, dude.

And then your mom brings pizza hut, et cetera. We're just going to play all this 33-year-old vapor wave music. But just when things all seem lost, two characters that you thought were written out of the movie come back. That's fun. He sees Sobati like coming over the hillside and the edit's kind of cool because he looks and there's Sobati and you're like, oh awesome, he's saved

and then he goes like below a ridge and when they cut back he's not there so you think for a second Conan is sort of hallucinating or something but then he shows up and he runs up the hill and there is just some great Arnold laughing. It's just big teeth like ah! Oh Sobutai! You come to take me

off my crows. I mean, if I have a subatite, I am sitting down and I'm eating a leg of dog in front of him while he's there, just to give him a little taste of his medicine. Yeah, for sure. But you're right, it does look like a mirage for a second, which is kind of cool. Then he comes back over the hill and it's real.

I need to see him being taken down, though. That would take forever. I want to see these nails come out, right? Well, that's what I'm saying. Instead of, like, staring at James Earl Jones, like, maybe we do this instead out the railroad spike pulling. out of my hand.

It's kind of something. It's gushing. It's gushing. And because he was crucified, we need to put him in like a swing and then demons are going to dance on him. This part's unclear for me. It's pretty cool because he gets the face paint from Quaidon.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, look, I'm in Dune 3 now. Cool. Are you a Benny Jeserite? Hey, Timothy Shalame, ignorant comment, man. Just putting it out there, that's not even something stupid enough for me to say. Imagine if Sarah Ferguson said, use the voice, and then Timothy Shamelay went into an Arnold impression. Use the voice.

Use the voice. Who is your daddy and what does he do? Bro. That would be cool. Maybe that's yet to come in this part three. We'll see. Oh, no, the Sondaka. That's one of them, right?

That's one of the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I love this moment because Valeria, first, they have these unbelievable illustrations of the demons trying to take Arnold. It's like the most visually interesting part of the movie. And what did you know it, Chris Cabin? They're fucking hand-drawn cartoons. It looked great.

Not a goddamn computer among them. Don't need to touch it. And then, you know what? But Valeria knows what he really needs. She goes up there and starts whispering him some dirty shit. I'll let you put it anywhere. Oh, man. On my chest anywhere.

can do whatever you want to, and he is just immediately up. Cram, I have to go back. I have to go back, Cram. She said I could put it anywhere, Crom, let me go back. Oh, no, I'm premature cromming. I promise you this does not happen all the time. This is ridiculous. It's a total fluke. I was crucified. I didn't have time. I was built up. It was built up.

It's good that you wrapped me in towels already. It's an easy clean up here. That's true. So they, like, fight these ghosts for a second or something. It's like, get out of here, ghosts. It's pretty great also. These ghosts, you see the fucking pectorals on these ghosts? A ripped ghost is unsettling.

Because it's just, they're basically animated, like, little Casper kind of ghost, like they have a tail and whatnot. But just these big fucking tittyes. Like, it's the craziest. Like, even these ghosts are working out in this movie. Yeah, they're skipping leg day, though, right? Because it's just a tail or whatever. But now I'm learning I would fuck a monster and fucking

ghost. I do think it would be funnier, though, if you got the Casper uncles, what were they, fart, burp, and snot, and they go and get them. And they're like, oh, give me him, give me him. Yeah, we need a, we need a fat one, we need a skinny one, we need the ghost of a dead, innocent child, definitely. That's a good one.

They make the raid on Thalsadum's hideout here. We're wearing, like, cool face paint stuff here. It's awesome. They sort of look like a black and white version of the Aladdin Sane cover. Yeah, exactly. That's what's going on, pretty cool. looking shit here to infiltrate the hideout or whatever.

And again, these people are just practicing the religion, having a peaceful orgy, and eating human soup. The people's soup did look kind of good. What do they put in to make it green? I want to taste the flavor profile, you know? Well, that's the thing, though, right? Get a rue going first, you know, get a good rue. Well, it's kind of...

Yeah, you need that. You need a good base on your human soup. Write that down. Some butter, yeah. It's like the copacine and good feller. as though, because we come in through the kitchen. Because you see how we're making the people's soup? Not as cool

as just eating the people's soup. It's like Jason Vorey's got it these fucking there's just bodies hanging, fucking pinheads around, I think. They're skinning people gutting them. It's just this lady eating an eyeball, and then he kissed me. A bunch of dudes are moving

a table for them. Pretty cool. James Earl Jones is watching with Max von Saito's daughter and he's getting so horny, his face gets an erection? Oh my God. As he's busy transforming into his snake, which this is the second

funniest edit in the movie because you see his hand go into the sleeve kind of, like both of his hands disappear. They cut to the orgy for a second and they cut back and it's just a snake puppet. How are you doing? Hey, I'm definitely James Earl Jones still.

Oh, yeah. Thals of Doom is definitely some type of reptilian human hybrid from the Constellation Draco. They eat cannibal stew, folks. They just do it. They got a guy there to make sure the rice doesn't stick to the bottom. Yeah, they have children's slaves, of course.

Wait, wait, no, I support the snake cult now. Never mind. Turn in the freaking Croms gay. Crom is turning the freaking frogs gay. Snake cult's all right now. Vote for them, all right? They fight. It's fun.

It's cool. You know, this is when we meet Sven Alderson's really cool hammer for a second. Dude, he's got this hammer that's basically

what fucking Mario's using in Donkey Kong. It's fantastic, this thing. Oh my God, and your mom's bringing pizza hug? Hell yeah, dude. The X-Files are on. Fuck.

What a time to be alive. Clinton's surplus and all. Isn't it amazing that culture just bottomed out? Isn't that great? Yeah. Why do you want to grow up? This should be.

be the end of the movie, right? Like, we've got the big orgy, the big thing, like, ends in the bang? Yes. It does end in a bang, yes. Do you just want to show me another staircase? I've seen enough of them. I'm good.

Don't worry about it. This is, like, one of the most violent things. Like, dudes are getting their throats cut. It's fucking fantastic. I have to say, though, for as violent as this movie is, we do have a couple of long sex scenes here. Pretty chaste orgy, if you ask me. Yeah.

I think they're all. Barely a nipple. I think it's like maybe they've been going all day and they're kind of exhausted. They need that people's soup to revitalize them. Oh, we're like intermission. Yeah, like once you shot five times or something. Because it's very weird that James Arnold Don, this Al Thalsadune here, he's not participating in the orgy.

But if I believe the Netflix documentaries that I've seen and the HBO Max cult documentaries I've watched, the leader's always getting in on it. So it must be intermission because this guy's high up, he's high as shit on his throne, not participating. This is very early on in orgies. We haven't really gone.

Like this, he is really... Is it? He's a pioneer, honest. Like, who else is doing orgies? Like, you're saying like nine cave people never got together and banged? I'm not seeing it in the movie. I'm taking what the movie gave me.

This movie doesn't have cave people in it. No, but I'm saying, I don't think cave people are fucking like that. We should get narration to give us the definitive thing about what orgies were. Maybe it's like the Royal Rumble and you don't want to be one of the first guys in there. You know what I mean?

Maybe it's exciting to be running down the platform towards the end. You want to come in at like minute 35. Exactly. With an orgy, you don't want to be first or last. That's a good point. Wait for it. Wait for it.

Well, actually, now that you say, I do believe Nietzsche wrote about Caveman orgy. So you know what? I should take it back. I'm sorry. The absolute funniest part about this scene though.

It's like so they, yeah, they start laying ways, fires are started, the whole thing. James Earl Jones, still as a snake, is like, oh no, fuck this shit. And slithers through, you guessed it, a snake-sized hole. Okay, maybe

his thing is like, I'm going to skip the human orgy this year and go straight to the snake one. Yeah, I mean, a snake going in a hole remind you of anything? Oh. Oh, man, that's like this movie's connection to the end of North by Northwest with the train going in the tunnel?

Same shit. Same filmmaking caliber. Exactly what they had in mind. They steal the princess and they're pissed because like Sven Olthorson has a concussion or something and to get them back

James Earl Jones does this sick snake arrow that kills for Valeria? That's pretty cool. Oh, badass. He just kind of like straightens out this snake. Very cartoon as here. It's almost like balloon animal kind of of a trick like, hold on, I'm going to make a snake arrow.

Hold on. This is the worst birthday party ever. This guy's bangs are terrible. It's great, too. He looks at this little snake arrow that he made, he just goes, seek. Okay, boss. You got it.

Oh, dude, if he's talking like the bullets in Roger Rabbit. Yeah, exactly. Except for that problematic, indigenous American one, that guy. That wouldn't be great. He's not making the remake. No. but she unfortunately passes out and dies.

See, the thing is, Steve, it was the law at the time, movies like this especially, you can only have one woman at a time. Yeah, that's true. So now that they've got this princess to deal with, sorry, Valeria, you gotta go. Go out of there. So she's shot in the back.

I mean, honestly, it's a real great shot by James Earl Jones. I just have to put that out there. The movie was in danger of passing the Bechdel test. Get out of here. End it immediately. but they give her a cool Viking funeral here, which is neat. Now, we didn't talk about this when we were doing the rewatch a little while ago, but this is something I noticed on my first watch.

I believe Valeria's own funeral here, a little bit of nip slippage going on. Oh, really? And I feel like Conan should have covered that up before she's going to Valhalla. You can't go to Valhalla with a titty out, dude. Like, that's not. I don't want that to be happening. Maybe that's the only way to let you in.

I don't know about Valhalla. Oh, so nipples out. has to happen or if the gates won't open. I mean, every R. Crumb funeral has to have nipples out. That's fair. Big asses and nipples out, I believe. Pink lines.

But they burn her up and this guy, Sobite goes to Manko. He's like, yeah, I will cry for my friend Conan because he can't act and do it. I mean, because he is a brave warrior and I will do it instead. Which is a real kick in the nuts because this guy playing Sobite

was just some surfer. He was like a professional surfer than new John Millie is from somewhere. But the Stellar Adler Academy, clearly. The Stellar Adler Surfing Academy, which is a different way. Of course. Hang ten, dudes. I assume that's what she said. Yeah, she's an older lady.

So she's cooking up good Star Wars style. And it's actually very funny because Mako's like, you idiot, you shouldn't have this Viking funeral at the top of that hill. You're not going to light this fire. And Conan's like, sounds like a challenge to me. and he just goes right up and does it immediately. One of the easiest parts of the movie. And Kramm.

And then he's like, this is my house, I have to defend it. Let me get out my micro machines and Christmas ornaments. Snakey bandits, you want some more? They set up this rock area full of like, you know, they've got like a skeleton guy and a horse to be their Michael Jordan in the window. Yeah, exactly.

It's amazing, yeah. Oh, some Christmas ornaments, try to step on that, Sven. Next to this Rube Goldberg machine that's good to stab you through the heart. This is the, this device that they said, this mous trap-esque device they set up, oh, it's awesome. Svetl Thurston gets the best death of the movie easily. It is. Oh, it's great, and it doesn't even have to be a decapitation. No.

It's just very violent and hilarious. the same time. Well, they're doing great with the squib work here. We're seeing big old bursts of blood when these guys are taken out. Oh, it's sloshing all over the screen all this fake blood. It's great. They know that he's a hammer guy, so there's like a helmet that is the button. Oh, yes.

Oh, you're right. He uses his own hammer to hit this helmet, and then he gets like staked through the heart like a fucking vampire. Kick the man into the gun, the mousetrap. And he gets murdered. That was awesome. Four of you remembered that board games. Thank you.

Good game. That game sucked, man. You fucking took 37 minutes to set it up. It never worked right. You were supposed to kick the man into the can? He never fucking made it. It sounds like someone didn't win Mousetrap that often. Wouldn't it be great if you were back at your mom's house?

Eating Pizza Hut, playing Mousetrap. Oh, yes. What's that a whole cheese pizza just for me? Hey, you know what's better? Puberty. I sleep in a big bed with my wife, Instagram. And again, this is not the movie, end of the movie, and it should be.

This is a big siege. Everyone's bleeding and cutting each other open. You cannot have this Fenal Thoris in death and still have like 25 minutes left of your movie, man. The other number two, the football guy comes out and he gets ganged too. He gets like super chopped up, right? This was like, this dude got so chopped up in the movie

that the fucking MPAA was like, all right, everything's mostly cool. But that one guy being turned into deli meat, you gotta cut that down a little bit. Well, Valeria uses her one like Valky credit, like you only get one and she like kind of distracts him for four seconds. Oh right, she comes from the afterlife to play defense for a second. Yes.

Valeria, where did you get all that cool armor? Up in heaven. It's fantastic. But his heaven. Turns out the four winds were right. Just warning you, bud. Look. Stop saying that, that's right, he does, right before the battle, he's like,

crumb, I've never prayed to you, but like, help me out, or you're bullshit or something. And then Crum's like, to hell with me. Well, yeah, I'm Satan. I mean, obviously. There's no way to appeal to your God, Conan. That's all I'm saying. With that attitude. I live in the underworld.

but then, speaking of religion, the end of this movie takes place on Snake Christmas, which is when their defenses are at their lowest, I understand. It's a vigil, everyone is lit in a candle. They're all out there singing Snake carols. Snake Christmas, my favorite holiday. It's so nice to see all of you at Mass,

but I have to say, clearly, you're not here every Sunday. But regardless, we snake you a Merry Christmas. Yes. Snake Miss Carols. Snake Miss is better. Okay, snake Christmas is better. Snake Miss, yeah. It makes sense.

We'll get Weird Al to make the album. It'll be way better. And he just basically sneaks up on James Earl Jones and James Earl Jones is like, um, you're kind of like my son too, FYI. He's shitting his pants, basically. It's this whole thing of like, well, I kind of created you. by doing all that bad stuff,

that's why you're you. Right, yeah. And for a minute, he's buying it. You're like, you idiot. Come on. It's the eyes, the alluring eyes. Actually, dude. Oh, I understand.

Okay, if that's not working, how about some money? I got money. Oh, nothing with money. Okay, one more thing to try. Hamana, homina, homina, haemina, haemna. You happen to like snakes at all. I despise them.

God damn it. And this is like the grisliest decapitation in cinema history. Fuck, it's great. You really want it in one go, right? You want it quick. That's the idea, just a swift. I'll tell you, try it at home. You're not getting it in one go.

You got to work through that a little bit. Well, because he's trying to get the greatest revenge, which is to use his father's broken sword. Oh, yeah, that's pretty cool. So already that thing's fucked up. And he's hacking away really bad. That's got a hurt. And he's just like wiggling it for a bit.

He's like, get the fuck off the fucking thing. It's so awesome. And this head, we wanted to make a letterboxed list of movies where a head rolls down a huge staircase. So far I got this and Apocalypse the Mel Gibson movie. That's another badass fucking head kick, which is cool. Is that in The Kids Are All Right with Mark Ruffalo and Ed Benning or no? It might have been. They have like a nice dinner in Los Angeles.

Angeles and then someone's head is kicked down a staircase? That's towards the beginning. Yeah, you're right. Okay, okay, good. And all these, these, like, cult members are like, uh, well, I guess we'll throw these candles into the water and get the fuck out of here. Where's the Harvey P. Car religion? We'll head to that.

We'll do that. Let's go for that, I think. And I love this shot of Conan after it's all done. He's just sitting on the steps. Like, he just won the big game, but he doesn't know. how to feel about it because he's graduating high school and college is next. Did I peek early? I don't know.

Am I going to have to break up with my high school sweetheart at the turkey drop? If it was anyone but John Milius, this would be like, vengeance is empty, violence solves nothing. But no, he loves that this happened. Violence solves fucking everything. His fucking rules.

All five decapitation's worth it. Justified. And then there's a, maybe we'll see you next week on Conan because, like, you know. Oh, dude, you have the shot of Arnold. It's kind of funny because they make him look at the end of this movie like he's going to look now in this King Conan movie if they do it. Like a little gray, you know, heavy wears the crown, all that stuff. He looks better in this ending, I think. I mean, the guy's too old to play King Conan.

Come on. Well, he's just got to sit there. Well, that's just him delegating? Yeah. All right. I'll watch two hours and ten minutes of that, I guess. Oh, you decapitate him. Uncle Conan's a little busy right now.

Obatai I'm tired. Could you cry for me? But yeah, you just get this Mako intro where it's really setting up sequels and he's like, oh, and Conan did become king by his own hand, just like the prophecy said. And they had all these crazy adventures, which we'll tell you about in the next movies. You hear about that, producers? Huh? You like that? Oh, and by the way, there's a little comment card underneath your seat and just write what you liked, what you didn't like before you leave the theater.

Well, I'd like him to destroy more stuff. Okay, Conan the Destroyer, we'll do that. Dun Deal. Why is he a king? I got it. I got it. One guy really liked the monster fucking, okay. All right, we'll give you a red sonia for that one.

And that's Conan the Barbarian, folks. That's the end of the movie. That is it. Now we have to start wrapping up, but a big thanks to the staff of the varsity. This is a beautiful venue. You've been amazing. Thank you all for coming out. Seriously, we're so, we were so stoked to do this.

Y'all have been through some real shit, and I have to say the fucking resiliency of this town is incredibly inspirational. So thank you. Thank you. For everything you people have been doing in this town, thumbs up here. But as we do have to get going, we like to end every show here with a check-in to see what the internet thought about this movie. And the best way we've found to do it and haven't been able to find a better way since or yet is to check in with some of the best grounded, intelligent film writing. And that's to be found on the IMDB user review section. You guessed right.

So we do have a few for you here tonight. First one, 10 out of 10 stars. The most manly movie in film history. Uh-huh. All right. Okay. Written by WWF Hulk GR. Oh.

February 22nd, 2016. Mm. Well, friends, that's how you know it's trouble to start. This dude thinks. What the weirdos on IMDV are his buddies. What are you doing, Mark Twain? Sit on a stool. Let me tell you about Conan Barbarian.

Come on down here. We'll drink some shasperilla and talk about Conan. All right, there we go. Well, friends, I'm 41 years old now, and I have seen this movie over 40 times, maybe 50. This sounds like a guy that wants mom to come out with pizza. No, no, I'm sorry. This guy was 41 in 2016.

He has thrown himself into a hungry ocean by now. Don't worry, guys. He died from COVID, I think. Sure. Sure. I've seen hundreds of movies. Action and sci-fi and fantasy movies, police movies, all mafia movies,

cyberpunk movies, yeah, all mafia. All the mafia movies. Every single one. Fucking liar. You name it, and I've seen it. Wow. I love movies. But Conan the Barbarian is the most manly movie

I have ever seen. The soundtrack by Basil Poliduris, my countryman is perhaps the best epic music ever. It is pretty baller. It's true. Okay. The photography is glorious. John Milius did a great job. The cast is great. The plot is great.

Everything is great. The intro is magnificent. You know, that which does not kill her. Kill us makes us stronger. My God, he's talking about the niche, he quotes? Of course he is. I get the chills every time the narrator speaks. And the anthem of Croms starts playing,

and Conan's father tells him the story of steel. You know, this you can trust. Not men, not women, but steel. Hell yeah! All right, dude. This guy's got a home forge. Oh, absolutely. He's seen every episode of Forged and Fire.

This guy burned down his mom's house while she was getting pizza. You did it again. you piece of shit. I have to be manly, mom. New X-Files is on. It's for the Tang. Arnie is great as Conan.

There are no movies like that anymore, kids. Forget it. This golden era is finished. P.S. Thanks to Dino de Laurentis for this epic film. I'm sure Robert Howard, who created the Conan character, would love this film. And now this is great because this motherfucker says PS and then does not understand

that if you're going to do another one, it's PPS. Instead, this motherfucker goes, PS2, the remake sucks. End of review. Also, like, the whole, like, you can't make this today. They made the Northman, which was, like, the same movie. Yes. And more.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, here we go. A few more here. 10 out of 10 stars. Way better than anything Hollywood put out before or since. All right, dude. written by Crazy Wampus. You got that right.

Yeah, April the 3rd, 2008. This really is an amazingly well-done fantasy film. And I shudder to think that Gladiator has gotten better reviews than this movie. Of course it did. Shutter to think. Shutter. Both have Sven Only Thorson.

True. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah. You think this dude knew that? What? You think this dude knew that right in the review? Oh, no. This is a stupid game.

Yeah. In that movie, they give Sven, like, real respect. He's his own character. Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't hanging out as king out there. Right, you're right. It's just Sven, having a day of it. Wow, Sven, you were pretty good in gladiator. I have to say, though, I could have been in it as well. Maybe it's cheering in the background. Yep, me as well. Why don't you think of me as a gladiator? It may not be an over-the-top blockbuster, but that's kind of the point. It's pretty minimalistic in its dialogue, and, some other aspects. All right? Uh-huh.

Whatever you say, dude, let's keep rocking. But I only think that helps it, not hurts it. Personally, I can't stand to watch overdone Hollywood dramatization such as Gladiator. Motherfucker, this is 2008, dude. Did you just see this shit or what? Just go over to the Gladiator page and make the negative review about Gladiator. No, that, I guarantee you, on the Gladiator page that kicked him off and they're like, yeah, you take that to the Conan page.

You do that shit over there. This is our page. These are gladiator fans are talking about, yeah, okay. Even Lord of the Rings, which were very well-done movies, could have done without much of their over-dramatic dialogues and extreme facial close-ups. Oh, shut up, crazy, wampus!

Leave us alone! Leave us alone! What if they just looked at each other instead? Facial close-ups that seem to go on forever. I don't know, much like people fucking staring at each other. Yeah. Right, dude. People have cited this movie as laughable. Hmm.

The quotes are there. But I personally think that many of Peter Jackson's choices for LOTR were equally laughable. End of review. Fuck you. That was on purpose, you moron. He was trying to make you laugh a little bit, you fucking twit. No, nihilism only, dude. All right, here we go.

Last one. one out of 10 stars. Oh no. Uh-oh. Subject line. Terrible fantasy flick. You're out. Written by

Acetyl chlorine joyer. I don't know. That's a bunch of fucking words. Can we get some Acela Laquare Joyer for the table? Spicy. No, heavy spice on that. Yeah, bring more chili on.

More chili oil for that. Well, some on the side. I might want more. Written September 10th, 2010. Okay. This came with a spoiler alert on it, which I don't

know that you need, but I guess this fellow was just being safe. I double-click to read this, gem. This is one of the worst fantasy films ever made. Wow. The effects were bad, even for the time when this was made.

Also, Arnold Schwarzenegger's performance was terrible just like in all the films where he appears. Whoa, whoa. Come on. Don't bullshit me. This motherfucker, right?

Calm down. Parentheses. He never made a single good film, colon. Many people consider this to be two of the best films with him, but I found just as bad as the others. Oh, you! Yeah. That's right. I apologize.

I'm a varsity theater. Forget everybody riled up before we leave. Jesus Christ. Now, here's where you know the creeper twos coming in. Oh, no. But besides that, the comics of Conan the Barbarian were also pretty bad.

Okay. All were boring and with ugly and uninspiring and stupid stories. Did Conan the Barbarian fuck this guy's wife? What is going on? Might have. He seems to like doing that.

Yeah, I crumbed all over her. That's a line he said in a movie. Also, none of the characters of this movie were likable. I hated. all of them. This movie is awful.

If you want to see a good action flick, go see Watchmen. We've been WeA. movies from New York City. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Thank you all for coming out, Minneapolis. We love you all. Bye-bye.

And fuck ice.