We Hate Movies - S16: Gleep Glossary #83 - Darth Vader (Live in the U.K.)

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

Recorded 19 July, 2025 for The Oxford Comedy Festival - Oxford, England "Everyone here is aware that he's just gonna read from a book about a Star Wars character?" - Steve On our first ever LIVE Gleep Glossary, the Cerveza Crystal is flowing (not really, unfortunately) as the guys go all the way with Darth Vader, learning almost everything about his long, and rich life. But even after all that, can you ever really know someone like Darth? The gang did their best, playing to a sold-out crowd in England, to try and find out. PLUS: That little kid in the Kenner toy commercial got his ass kicked, right?  We're releasing this HUGE Gleep Glossary episode over here on the free feed as well to give folks a taste of our Star Wars sideshow that they may not have yet checked out! There are currently over 80 other Gleep Glossary chapters available on our Patreon right now for you to enjoy! So click through and sign up today! Gleep Glossary: A Star Wars Story is a show where the guys try to honor the history and legacy of Star Wars characters, most of whom we've been told don't matter anymore! It releases once a month on their Patreon. Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Utaguta, and welcome to the Gleap Glossary for those uninitiated. This is our Star Wars Shine Show every month on Patreon. That's patreon.com slash we hate movies. I read an old discarded Star Wars expanded universe character description to the guys and they razz me over it. It's a lot of fun. So this month being we love movies month, we thought we'd do something special and drop our first ever actually live episode of the Gleap Glossary that was recorded at the Oxford Comedy Festival, July 19th, 2025. in Oxford, England to a sold-out crowd.

Thank you, everyone for coming. We're releasing this episode for patrons and non-patrons alike. So it's on the free feed and the Patreon feed. Patrons will get a little bit of a fun bonus in addition to this episode this month as well. So just so you know, folks, this is the 83rd episode of the Gleep Gloucestry, this Darth Vader entry.

That means there's 82 other episodes you can dig into at patreon.com slash we hate movies. we have Darth Mall, Grand Admiral Thron, Han Solo, all these names run together, Mace Windu, Bosque, General Grievous, Bibfortuna, Jar Jar Binks, Quigon, Gin, so much more, even Neenub. So more information can be found at WHMpodcast.com or like we said, patreon.com slash we hate movies. And now, without further ado, here's Darth Vader. It's the Darth Vader collector's case. From Kenner's Star Wars, the Empire Strikes Back Collection. You can display it or open it up into an action figure storage unit.

It holds up to 31 action figures like Basque, Landau Calrusian, and IG88. Action figures eat sold separately. There's even a handy chamber for accessories. And it's got a hidden handle, so you can take it with you. Dark Vader Collector's case. From Star Wars, the Empire Strikes Back Collection, action figures eat sold separately. New from Kenner. Yes.

You know, I'm sure, we're to save of your friends here. His debility is the excess of confidence. Your faith in your friends is the your. It's inutil to resist, my, CERRY

CERVYOWS CERVSA CRIZAL Oh, Tuta, Gupta, Outsa, Guta, Oxford, England, how you doing? Hi, everybody. Oh, man. Yes, how are all you wankers tonight? I thought that was a Star Wars word. No. It's not a Star Wars word?

No, it's a bit aggressive, though. Just a little bit. We're going to get really aggressive tonight on, thank you. This is our Star Wars Shide show. Yes. Where we discuss the good book, the essential guide to characters we will be reading, of course, from Darth Vader. Quick question. You know you're stealing my bit, right?

The glasses is what I do. It's the only thing I have. Wow. Let me clean my, let me clean my lenses real thing. Yeah, obviously. Obviously. Can we all agree, by the way, that the kid in that toy commercial definitely got the shit kicked out of him? Easily.

Oh, my goodness. No. What a little weiner. It's got a hidden handle. Either dead or divorced. We don't know which one. Oh, there's trouble? Been in trouble.

Off topic. We're bullies. I'm not going to let you guys bully some poor kid who's now. probably dead? Dead or divorce? Definitely dead, dude. Definitely dead. A or B.

Just everyone here is aware that he's just going to read from a book about a Star Wars character. And then like every couple sentences or so, we're going to like bust in and kind of talk about what he literally just read.

Yeah. That's the show. And y'all signed on for it. That is why we fucking love you. Thank you for so much. What are we doing? What did you say? There you go.

They're not supposed to let them in on the scam. That's supposed to be afterwards. Oh, I see. I'm sorry. By the way, a fantastic shirt here. Holy shit. There it is. Reza Christa.

Yeah, run of applause. Thank you, sir. Por favor. There it is. As always on the show, we like to read. Of course, like I said, from the Star Wars Essential Guide to Characters, This is the actual book I bought when I was like 14. When I looked like that kid.

I love that you still own something you got at 14. I think I'm completely cleaned out. This is like the family Bible. Oh, I see. Pest down through generations. Precious. No, there's no generations. Dude, the bloodline ends with this.

Yeah, I forgot about that. That's true. The line must be drawn here. Doctor ordered, by the way. So yes, of course, we are going to be. reading from the 1995 continuity, so it's going to be a little different. A little bumpy. Zero prequels. Oh, yeah. Zero and or appearances.

Echoes throughout history. You'll see some inspiration for the prequels. Shinn they stole. God has texts. Okay. Darth Vader. Once a Jedi Knight named Anakin Skywalker waging battles for the light side of the force. He was corrupt. dropped it and seduced by the dark side and would soon become known as the dreaded black garbed Darth Vader.

Okay, that's it. That's the end of it. Thank you guys. The dreaded black garbed Darth Vader. Are we always getting the black garbed? I do that sounds like, oh no, it's the dreaded black garbed Darth Vader. Like you had to keep saying the whole thing? Too much, too much. I don't think anybody who's scared is saying that. I think there's some more black descriptors and we'll get to them. I don't know about black descriptors. I don't crazy about that.

Almost nothing is no. What was that? Yeah, hit the air horn All right, that's fine. Oh, you killed him. That's even better. Almost nothing is known about Anakin Skywalker's early years. Almost.

Yeah, hey, it's George again. I didn't write that part yet, so just say almost nothing is known. Oh, but at the same time, I definitely wrote like all nine parts in the 1970s or whatever. Andy, I'm reading this piece of shit. You are just lying your ass off in these pages. You know nothing of what I've created.

It's all up here in the bank. The George Bank. Ooh. I like to make a deposit. Oh, the bloodline continues. Oh, wouldn't that be... Oh, my God, that'd be sitting pretty. Yeah.

My kid was a Lucas. Oh, totally, dude. Billions of dollars. That's right. I now have a nightmare vision of, like, an AI video of an impregnated George Lucas. Oh, stop. And you're cradling him. Yep.

Yep. I like that Oh my God I'm just It's hot enough in here already I'm sorry Whatever that is Not to get everyone around

Yeah I'm sorry As a youth He was infamous As a hot shot pilot Okay But it was hidden But his hidden

And untapped talents Would lead to his destiny A great Jedi Knight named Obi-Wan Ben Kenobi They put to his friends They did Saw in Skywalker Great Potential

in the force. Yes, I have a reservation over Obi-Wan, Kenobi. Okay, so check under Ben, Canobi. Okay, thank you very much. You know, Sheila, I told you before, when you're making reservations for me, stop using the Ben,

going back to the Obi-Wan. No, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. It happens all the time. No bother at all, don't worry. Great big Sheila made that reservation, huh? So, amazed at how strong

the force was with him, made Anakin his first Jedi pupil. Oh, cool. Nice. But in his zeal, Obi-Wan failed to notice that his pupil had begun to be seduced by the dark side of the force. Probably the biggest failure in Star Wars

is Obi-Wan can be right. It's a big one. Just fuck up after fuck up. You know, I would just say like a, not even a bi-monthly team meeting check-in. You know, like, just want a check-in, man. You're not getting seduced by the dark side. Everything else do it okay. Your project's

okay. You do it all right. as the crush on that girl the one who's 20 years older than you are you still playing the video games at night oh that's no good oh boy oh yes Xbox leads to the dark side of course so the dark side

was easier to master as you guys heard I'm sure no it's way easier shit code and game genie that shit held faster promise okay so by the time Kenobi clearly understood how deeply Anakin had fallen into

sync with the dark side. It was too late. Oh, wouldn't you know it? Wouldn't you know it? So there's like nothing about how like it actually happened. It's just like, no, it happened. He just liked it. Well, it sounds like something is going on behind his back. Like there might have been an

intervention at one point. Like, hi, Anakin, we're all here. We all love you very much. It's going to be hard for us to say this, but are you part of the dark side now? Have you been reading those texts? Those ancient texts? We found all the mutilated animals. You told me we were just going out for pizza.

This is a trap. He tried to bring his friend and pupil back from the brink, but Skywalker refused. Too late. Again, fuck up. He and Obi-Wan engaged in a vicious lightsaber battle, which ended when Anakin fell into a molten pit. Remember, this is before those movies had the lava.

Yeah, it fights. The way that it makes it sound, it's like, could be, we could also move away from the molten pit, you know what I mean? Like we could have the fight over there or right by that molten pit. Well, I think passions are overtaking them, right, Steve? I don't think they're thinking too clear.

That's fair. Yeah, it's right into the dark side, dude. It's all in the manual. Yeah, it's all kind of, it's a very mortal combat level E. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, that whole thing? Yeah, you could see Luke Kang falling into that shit.

Exactly. Definitely. Obi-Wan doing an uppercut would be something else. I would enjoy that. I love those spiky. Those spiky sewers with green water. Do they have that? Because there's that dipshit game

where it was like Mortal Kombat with like DC characters. Yeah, sure. It's like scorpions fighting the Joker and whatever the fuck. What about getting some Star Wars figures in there? Oh, yeah, why not? They're no stranger to selling out.

Yeah, just get it dumber and dumber, dude. I'll play it. Absolutely. Oh, my God. Scorpion versus Darth Vader. Who's winning? Those are Titans. I think they're all in Fortnite now

or whatever that is. Yeah. About 500 years old. I think Vader takes it, though. I don't know. That's just the person. Vader over Scorpion? Yeah, oh, yeah.

Get over here. That's mine. He actually has to do something to get him over here. Vader just like, oh, that's true. Yep. That's it. He doesn't even have to ask. Hey, we said no force pulling.

No force pulling. You're cheating. So what emerged from the fiery pool was deeply scarred and a burnt husk of a man carrying in him both hatred for Kenobi and the power of the dark side. He was a burnt husky of a man before going in that lava, like emotionally. Yeah, it was totally scarred, fucked up kid, yeah. Not good.

Once you kill that many squirrels in your backyard. Yeah, and now just the outside match the inside. So that's, you know, space squirrels, of course, yours. Oh, hey, Andy. Moulton Pitt, huh? You've been in the bank, haven't you? You've been trying to get in the bank a little bit, haven't you? Okay.

My lawyers will be contacting you. I'm writing this for you. You talk to him about that. In that black moment. Okay, Andy. Uh-huh. Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. Okay.

And that's yet, no, I wish. Reborn to the darkness, Darth Vader joined with Emperor Palpatine, whose new order, which is like, why would, if he's got the new order, why would the new movies have the first order, right? Shouldn't the first order come before the new order? Yeah, but they're like saying all this stuff didn't happen, right? Yeah. Yeah. you're reading all the stuff they threw in the garbage. Well, it's also like when you're like saving a file multiple times,

like final draft, final, final, final draft, final, final draft, final real draft. It's just a bunch of numbers. Final draft 512, final draft 514. Yeah, so the final draft fudge numbers I'm sending to my boss only. Exactly. The New Order and Empire copy, copy, copy two, copy. Underscore final. We're the nightmare of many Jedi.

Now, Palpatine was able to continue Vader's training in the dark side, allowing him to learn an angry control over the force. We're not even going to talk about the fact. I'm talking to Andy here, the writer of this. If you're in the room with us right now, Andy, we'd like to speak with you. Speak to us. The dude's in a robot suit. We didn't even get to that. You would not know. And then because of the lava, he had to go inside of a robot suit. Yeah. That helps him breathe that he pees through it and whatever else goes out. We're going to get to the suit. Oh, all right, good. This is a long one, folks.

I know it feels like a molten pit in here, though, huh? Chapter 7, the suit. Vader eventually gained the long-dormant title of Dark Lord of the Sith, allowing him to tap into the evil forces of 10,000 years. Oh, nice. Yet, for all his dark side power, Vader had his weaknesses. Oh, okay. Don't we all?

Ice cream. A lot of very flowery language for this. Don't put that rocky road near me. I can't help myself. Oh, I couldn't, I couldn't. Oh, all right, fine. Two scoops. Cheat days Thursday, God damn it.

Unable to breathe on his own without great difficulty, Vader was forced to wear a breath mask and life-supporting body armor. Okay. Breath mask. Did it come with the cape? No, that was his personal thing. Oh, that's a touch.

He didn't go off like. some drapes from the window and was like, this will work. It's not a medical cape. Yeah. I don't know. Thank you, Steve. Because it's like the air... Is it a breathing cape? It's airport rules. Like, the breath mask comes down. You put it on yourself first, then you get your cape. Okay.

And you don't help anyone around you because you're dark lord of the sick. Okay, so, unable... Unable... Unable to breathe on it out. Over time. Oh shit. Droid malfunction. Are you keeping score? Yes. He's got a little tab over there.

You guys keep points on me all the time. That's fair. It's like whose line is it anyway? Minus one. Over time, Vader custom designed a new mask. Oh, my God. So I wonder what the old mask will be. Oh, shit.

The old mask was like flame decals. Every time I put it on, it's PTSD. man. The flames. Well, this one was terrifying and imposing in person. Made of shiny black Durosteel, the fearsome helmet covered his head and hit his eyes beneath

all-seeing lenses. The new Vader mask, now in Duris Steel. It's got a hidden handle so you can take it with you. I can keep all my action figures in here. Oh, wow, but they are sold separately. Oh,

this is the original April O'Neill Oh, with the big tits and the juicy behind. Perfect for children ages eight and up. You had perverts making those toys, I'm sorry. It's just... You absolutely do. So, okay, now built into that mask and helmet were visual enhancement systems, hearing augmentation devices,

a vo-coder electronic voice synthesizer. Oh, dude, he's auto-tuning in real time. In real time. For prank calls, which lead to the dark side, yes. I'm going to get away from me. Is your refrigerator running? Oh, he's using the mask to make prank phone calls? Absolutely.

Messing with the pizzeria owner. I'll get you to the dark side real quick. This is Sal Rosenberg, and I just drop my glasses. I guess you guys didn't have the jerky boys. Not so much, yeah. Vader again. I have seven Peppie Pepparino XXL pizzas and nobody's here.

The death's head look of the mask became shorthand for Vader among the imperial forces. Like getting tattoos of it and whatnot? Maybe. That'd be pretty cool. Someone here probably has one. Any Vader tattoos? Vader tats.

Star Wars tattoo in general. Yeah. Oh, we got two and two. Three. Okay. Blue shirt. What do you got? Don't show me. Just tell me. Oh, that's cool. Oh, ball.

It's nice. Very nice. Is there another one? Up there, sir. Oh, wow. Nice. That's nice. That's very brave.

That's awesome. Hell yeah. Is it just an EWalk or is it like Wicked? Okay, that's right. It would have to be. King of the EWalks. You can get like one of the gray ones. Nobody gives a shit about those guys.

Oh, what if you get the one that like cries over the dead one? Oh, yeah, that's a classic character. That's the tattoo to have, right? Just weeping over a body. You get it right over the heart. Dude, it's the weepy Ewark, but he's weeping over a dead sexy April O'Neill. Very nice.

We're going to have to talk after the show, I think. All right. It's those toy makers that did it to me. Sure, fucking Kenner. I think we had one more. Oh, bad ass. All right. Love it.

Good selection. Classical. All right. Death had. Do, no, no, no, no. All right. How about the next paragraph? Yeah, let's do that.

Vader's system of body armor included, this is actually, I'm not repeating myself, don't worry. Vader's system of body armor included life systems control computer, uh-huh. Regulation systems, and a respiratory sensor matrix on his belt. Does I mean he, like, never gets headaches and shit? That would be nice. Honestly, if I had a body like that, I would want that.

You think he's got air conditioning in there? You would have to. You'd love that. You'd side be up. The charred ball funk smell. Yeah. You got to keep that shit cool. That's incinerated by this point.

His shoulders, torso, and shins were covered by shiny black dursteal armor. You guys know what he looks like, right? All right. So a full-length black cloak and two shoulders. draped capes helped hide other hardware. What else? We got a cloak and two capes?

What the hell? What is going on here? As Darth Vader aligned himself with the self-proclaimed emperor and his new order, Obi-Wan, feared for the future of the Republic. He changed his name to Ben Kenobi. No one will ever find Ben Kenobi.

Oh no, that's that Obi-Wan you're looking for, not Ben. And he went into retirement. I mean, maybe Kenobi's like Johnson, you know? Yeah, thousands of them.

I can see that. But I mean, to the point of having two cloaks and the fucking cape. That's a lot on your back. But I kind of get it because you're gunning for the number one spot. And one thing we know about the emperor is that motherfucker's got a huge

goddamn cloak on. Sure. All the time. It's probably heavy as shit. I love my hood. It's so nice and creepy. So it's like, you know, you see what your boss is doing?

You do that, like, personality mirroring? You're like, I like black capes too. What a nerd. We're all wearing quarter zip sweaters now. Hey, Doth, cool cape man. Don't think I didn't notice at the retreat last weekend. He thinks we don't notice. What a kiss ass.

You can laugh at him. Come on, guys. No, he's not going to use his powers. You just laugh at him. I've got a laughed at work today, Journal. It's very human. So Ben Kenobi kept in contact with Anakin's recently estranged wife. Whoa, oh, oh, okay, hey, baby, you up, you up, wait a minute.

What are we talking here? Spicy shit, right? Isn't that something? That is something ready to go. We didn't know what a Padme was yet. Yeah, if you remember in the trilogy, she dies of grief. Yeah, no. She dies of a broken heart.

Yeah, that happens. so unbeknownst to Vader who unbeknownst to Vader was pregnant with twins oh okay Obi-Wan knew the children had tremendous potential as future Jedi wait at those mind quick question

who are you carrying you can tell me oh it's like Star Wars Mamma Mia yes that one crazy weekend we all got together on Bespian it was a real fuck fest oh shit not my

they are. He would have been the third, you understand. Yeah, yeah, Yoda would have been the third. Yeah, exactly. It started off as like he was only supposed to watch, but then everybody was having a good time. And the fucking wall fell down, you know.

On the day the twins, Luke and Leah were born, Kenobi and their mother separated them. Leah remained on Alderan, where she's adopted by Baylorigana into the royal house as his daughter, Obi-Wan brought the infant Luke Skywalker to his brother's house on Tatouine.

His brother's house! Yes! This is back... Owen Lars used to be Obi-Wan Kenobi's brother. It's crazy. Now he's... Anakin's step...

They're step-brothers, yeah. Step-brothers. So it's cool. So they could do anything, yeah. You know, you mean... They can do anything, Steve. Thanks for clarifying that for everyone. Great imagination. They can do anything to April O'Neill.

How's that sound for you? Oh, hey, all right. Now I'm joking. Get me to a computer. You know when you get stuck trying to fix a moisture evaporator? Yeah. Oh my God. My ass is hanging out.

I'm trying to fix the moisture evaporator. And here comes Owen Lars. Uh-huh. To stup you. As he does. Clego is discouraged this, but he's long dead. They probably, you know, Owen and Peru promised to raise the child as aunt and uncle. Okay.

So, Obi-1 was correct and soon enough. Palpatine had Vader and his troops. And this, and this, ooh, this is Star Wars word. And it's, you got, he knows how to read. What? Instigate. Instigate. Instigate.

Thank God for those glasses. He got it right. Oh, my God. Just took him a little long. It's okay. Hey. Hell yeah. Mm-hmm. Dude, that's what he said

when the divorce went down. They instigated... Oh, thank God green. They are not. When he saw the kids. Uh-huh. So they instigated the Great Jedi Purge.

Oh, boy. The men, women, and aliens of the galaxy who wield... We're only a page two of... Oh, my Lord. I think if you mixed a human being with Yoda, it would come out looking like Mickey Rooney.

Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. Right? That sounds probably just about where it would be. Like a green, Mickey Rooney. Was Mickey Rooney ever young? No. No, okay.

So yeah. No. Right. So all the Jedi in the galaxy wielded the light side, soon found their lightsabers were no match to those who could wield the dark side against them. And they were, you know, or greatly outnumbered them. Sure. The Jedi were all hunted down and killed when Vader couldn't

find Obi-Wan. He assumed the old man was already dead. Lazy shit. Lazy fucker. His ex-teacher. His ex-teacher surely wouldn't run from fight oh tall black and imposing Vader became one of the wait wait wait yeah uh-huh hang what is this my search history Stephen I mean you just described Keith David exactly my searches what did you say oh my actually Keith David's in my search history he's got

a new jazz single out today it's actually pretty solid there you go you're welcome Keith David he became one of the most visible symbols of the empire. Keith David? Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I forgot what we were doing. Page three. Vader seemed to relish killing his own incompetent

officers. Wouldn't you? But it did... Wouldn't you be thrilled to kill us right now? But it did... It was thrilling, wasn't it? It would be amazing. But it did little to gain him respect, only fear.

these people afraid of me I know I look at the manager techniques that they're giving us like that's only going to get your fear not respect don't kill your employees Jesus Christ Vader if I thought making fun of you the one time would

cause you to kill all these fucking do you have any idea the hiring shit load I've got downstairs it's a lot of people as he I was almost Tim Allen I should get that for this.

As he himself gained strength and pride, Vader trained many of his own students in the dark side of the force. Some like Hither. Hither. Hither? Hither. Hither and dither?

Would succeed in their powers. Hither became the pro-creator of justice. Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Dude, that's the intergalactic fuck machine. I think he fucks the police. Like that song.

Who destroyed his own planet at Vader's command whoa he understood that song wrong like no don't have sex with them oh I got a nightstick for you a baton bobby hither's mate Ryleau was a disappointment her force talents in healing could not be easily corrupted so the dark who's this hither hither's girlfriend there's girlfriend now rylew Okay. Riloh-Kiley?

What? What? Yes, and portions for foxes. Roan-Row. Was there a toy for Rom-Row? I don't know. From Kenner. The Dark Lord gained a powerful ally for both himself and the Empire when a space battle above the planet Hanogir resulted in a rebel ship crashing under the world below.

Vader and the Imperials who investigated the crash site found a... shite found short gray-skinned populace of Nogari who could be very deadly. This is from the Thron Trilogy. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. Oh, of course. The Book of Thron. This is like, you know, like Bible stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Second Bible. It's like Bible stuff. Yes. Similar. Rather than incigate a fight, Vader offered them help in restoring the ecosystem of their world. Grateful to him, the Nagari pledged their servitude and that of their descendants to Lord Vader. Many of the deadly

Nagari were used throughout the galaxy performing imperial assassinations or bodyguard duties. Wow. Damn. Meanwhile, Vader's scientists poisoned on a car further. What? Come on. No, come on. Why? Blaming the resulting blight on the fallout from the

crashed aligned ship. The Nagari wouldn't find out that Vader had lied to them and betrayed them until decades later when one of their assassins encountered Lady Vader. Hold on. You know she's the Lady Vader because she's got a bow in her hair. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Lady Vader Princess Leia Oh I see She could be Lady Vader Okay So was she in like a Vader suit But it was like all pink

Is that what they did? And these books that don't exist? No, no no She just said Oh that was my dad Oh, all right Lady Vader Lady Vader

Later I don't know Oh later Yeah L-A-D-R When not on a mission For the Emperor Vader meditated

In his castle Stronghold on the planet Yeah. Verge. Pardon? It was a different planet back then. No. V-J-U-N.

Bun? Is the J silent? Like Steve? Oh, right. Maybe it's a Polish planet. Fun. Oh, man. Planet Polack. Look out.

Yeah, I believe it. It's just a place of Steve's running all over the... It's disgusting. that's why the umpire did brexit it always smells down there all right he meditated on his past but he regretted nothing you know what fair is fair

it took 15 seconds I dug deep and nothing's wrong he just wish he killed Kenobi quicker he honed his lightsaber skills and blah blah blah you just read over a training montage literally is what I will say a boss pad

I mean that castle is something else I if I were a super villain I would want something like that near a volcano come on how can you say no to that easily no how living every day sweat my sack off like I am in here you're inside an air

conditioner all right I forgot about the suit I'm forced to wear for the rest of my life I guess that is a good deal it would be great instead of you know when he meets when he fights Kenobi and instead it's like, you know, I meditated on this and you're a big asshole. Like it's, oh, I did nothing wrong in this scenario

and it's all on you. That was a perfect fall to the dark side. The emperor eventually assigned Vader to watch over the construction of his new deadly battle station known as the Death Star. It is not a shit assignment. Okay, it is not a shit assignment. I will get you an assassination when I want one.

Look, you're a construction supervisor. You're not a construction worker. There's a difference. You're overseeing the workers. Kill as many as you like. Those I can hire as many as I can. You go nuts if you want to buy. You are doing the job.

Page four of nine. Pardon me? Don't worry, it wasn't a sexy Star Trek lady, I was saying. Page four of nine, baby. Developed by B. Beville Lemelisk and others. That's the old Krennick. Oh, okay.

He sounds like a fucking Tolkien character, honestly. Sounds like someone's just mashing the keyboard for these names. Okay, so the station was constructed and under the control of the cadaverous, Grand Marf Tarkin. Oh, wow. That's insulting. That's really sad. And also, like, he was dead at this point. What's his face there?

Cushing? Yeah, Peter Cushing. Cadabrous. So you just Googled Peter Cushing. It was like, yeah, he's dead. That's my adjunct. adjective right there but to be fair that guy looked like he was dead since like nineteen fifty three you know thus his poll right all went well until rebel spies stole

the death star plans and fled across the galaxy shortly thereafter darth vader encountered princess lay of alderot on ralteer where her ship the carillion corvette blockade runner tative six actually called a corvette yeah of course it kicks ass stupidest damn thing it's stupid but it's also pretty cool now you see it in the movies it's tent to four but the guide says six it will change to four in oh no oh I hope someone got fired for

that blunder she was supposedly on a diplomatic mission of mercy all right the movie's starting oh it's exciting get your popcorn out guys wait wait wait wait get your big soda not quite yet guys what well that's embarrassing

well wait we're still Lord Tyon the pompous bachelor who governed Raltier allowed her to leave the planet. That's why you saw her in space because they let her leave. Oh, I see. There was a lecherous bachelor that was after her. You should bring that character to the screen. That's how you get Hugh Grant

and Star Wars. There you go. A pompous bachelor. He do wonders at that character. Leah, oh, wait, no, okay. Where am I here? Yeah, you're good. Leo was... Am I? I? I hope so. So far. Leo was dispatched to intercept the plans

from the rebels. This is the movie. To find the lost Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. Finally, she was able to deliver him and the Death Star plans to the alliance. So, although they got the plans, the Tantive 6 was caught by the Star Destroyer Devastator and tracked a Tatooine. Vader

was on the Devastator when it caught up with them and boarded the Tantive 4. It switches to 4 in the same paragraph. Oh, the dude fucked it up in the essay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not me doing it. So no editor. I also I also love the idea of just naming your car, The Devastator. Hey, babe, you want to ride the Devastator this weekend?

It's only appropriate if your means of conveyance is like a monster. Yeah, exactly. And it better not blow up, because you're going to be embarrassed. You're going to be, when that dreadnought gets exposed. I would, my red face for the rest of my life, I wouldn't be able to see that one down. Would you, Eric? Nah. So she placed the Death Star plans in the escape pods, as you know.

So Vader ordered the troops to find the pod and then departed with Leia for the Death Star. And that's where Leia was able to resist the probes. Vader used on her. He thought this was odd, as the force power should have been able to penetrate any barriers in her mind. This is too much probing and penetrating for what this discussion is about. You got to probe your daughter, dude? That's pretty bad. Yeah, that's...

He assigned a imperial interrogator droid to make her reveal the location of the main rebel base, but it was too, as well, ineffective. Bummer. Vader and Target. I am an Imperial interrogator, droid. Don't shoot the messenger. Just here. I only have but one function.

Do you know the best to carry on without you? Wrong one. I was trying to shoot the messenger. You know what? Even better. Excellent. There it is. Oh my God. I would like to imagine the interrogator droids just

Please tell me. Just please, please. Come on. Come on. I'm going to be here till you tell me, please. I'll give you 20 credits. I'll let you out, I swear. Tarkin threatened to destroy her home planet of Alderan

unless she told them what they wanted. Quietly, she admitted there was a base on Dantuin. Then Tarkin ordered Alderan destroyed anyhow. Son of a bitch bastard. Anyhow. Anyhow. Vader for his lawyer to watch. It is

He made me watch It is just always Like the biggest like you know Star Wars blunder like you're sitting next to your daughter And you've got all this sensory power Like I don't know that's not her You just can't figure that one out Ignore it man that's impossible

Just a lot of voices going on I didn't think about it till the second movie Yeah precisely But I also wrote everything in the 70s Remember that It's both at the same time when the Death Star tractor beam pulled in a freighter entering the Alderan system Vader felt the presence of Obi-Wan

the ship checked out as empty but Vader knew Obi-Wan was there or nearby he was correct even as Hansel and Luke Skywalker helped Princess Leia escape Vader met his old master in a hallway we need some kind of descriptor what with this being writing and all a hallway yes God

All right, now we got dialogue from the movie. I think we can move along from that. The battle was fierce with lightsabers clashing igniting. No quarter was aster given. And then Kenobi warned him, if you strike me down, I should become more powerful that you could ever possibly imagine. With that, Obi-Wan deactivated his lightsaber. Stood waiting in a rage,

Vader swung his own lightsaber, cleaving Canobie's robes into pieces. So he was still alive then. He's dead now, but before he was still alive. Is that right, Doth? Were you making assumptions under my fucking watch? My favorite part of that is when he starts kicking the robes. Like, do you just shrink?

Oh, the Jedi shrinking trick. Later, as Rebel Starfighters attacked the Death Star, Vader boarded his own prototype Thai interceptor joining the battle. He noticed the rebels making an attack runs down the station's equatorial trench. Okay. Equatorial. Equatorial. I see what you're saying.

Also, that is sort of like very Jedi-esque, though. Like, there's so many powers that kind of get made up on the spot. So, like, Vader being like, I guess he shrank. You know what I mean? It's kind of that. No, they could do that. I don't know. Also, you said he's riding in some sort of prototype.

That's right. Why is, like, your main guy riding in a prototype of somebody? Well, you want the fancy car ride. You ever go to a car show? You're like, damn, I wish I could drive that thing. You want the Homer Simpson car every time. I don't know. I'd want, like, you know, a couple.

of iterations down so you know you know like the engine's not going to fall out the fucking thing or something well that's you got to explore more you got to be more curious Andrew I'm just saying the leader of your whole thing here's the thing Andrew the sad thing is I know a little bit about this hit me baby because the regular Thai fighters do not have

they can't go to hyperspace and get away this one can his that's how he's not just stranded out there in space he's able to fly away at the I don't want a fucking prototype hyperspace shit strapped to my That's what I'm saying. Yeah, exactly.

Probably killed like a hundred mechanics. My God. So, Vader felt the force strongly emanating from one X-wing in particular, and Vader set his sights to blow him up. That's a good idea. Then, from out of nowhere, a laser blast caught the tie-fighter next to him,

blowing Vader's interceptor out of the trench. He spun haplessly into space, tumbling as the Death Star exploded in a blazing rage. When he finally regained the control of his ship, he found his way back to an imperial base. Vader was determined to put his anger to good use. So was the emperor. He was also mad.

So you were in an interceptor, and yet you intercepted jack shit. Is that why I am to understand here? Look, man, I know you're splitting a lot of plates these days, but we're trying to lead an imperial takeover of the galaxy, and I can't have you fucking up this much. If you want the big cloak, you've got to work for it baby

I'm going to put my rage in the right place this big bucket of ice cream I'm sad dude then it's just him with a spoon and he can't get it because he's got a dumb mask on oh that's sad damn it

damn it the rocky road does not compute as powerful as as he was as as powerful as he was Vader still managed to allow alliance leaders to slip through his grass Weird.

The two most vexing to him were Princess Leia and the young man she traveled with. Oh. Again, what a weird way to put it. We know who you're talking about. One of their encounters ended badly for Vader on the jungle planet Mimban. Pardon me?

Imperial Supervisor Grammel had caught Leia and her male friend. It just sounds like a weird relationship. You don't want to go public with it. He's just my male friend. it sounds like you're sneaking into a fucking cold play concert look at that

there it is topical have social media topical uh grandma contacted Vader who was already on his way to the planet to find khyber crystal

oh he's stopping to get gas real interesting the mysterious object supposedly had the power to enhance the powers of the force leah and the boy escaped Now I'm so confused.

They're the same age. A male friend and partner, it makes me think it's the same age as you. They later faced Vader at the temple of Pomajima. Surprises from Pohajima, classic Clint Eastwood film. Was it on Jedi Christmas? Oh, what are you doing here? Yeah, what's great about that film is it's from the imperial perspective.

Right, yeah. That's definitely the reason. reason I made the jokes. Surprisingly, Leia used the boy's lightsaber to defend them, but Vader wounded her badly, burning and stabbing. Boy, hand me your lightsaber. Eric, are these like comic books, or what are we

talking about it? I think, is this Splinter of the Mind's eye? Oh, wow. Okay, there is. Someone knows their male friend. The trapped youth freed himself and dueled Vader. Was he legally barred from saying Luke Skywalker? Was there like some injunction that I'm unaware of?

we've already mentioned his name exactly yeah weird the dark lord the dark lord knew the boy was strong in the forest but he didn't expect what happened in battle he managed to slice off Vader's right hand forcing him backwards that's the first thing they teach you in Jedi schools go for the hand you have to it's the easiest way to disarm it's fair it makes total sense Vader fell into a pit and was in shock this cannot be happening again oh a pitch this is embarrassing at least it's dry by the time he climbed out of the pit wait all right you can't elevate yourself does force jumping not happen all right it says

extracted okay take that how you want yeah sure yeah bring the crane down I know the suit's pretty heavy by the way the air conditions busted now so there's gonna be a smell don't make a big deal out of it the boy used the power of the crystal the heel Leia and both had disappeared by the time he got out of there. After several more brushes with the rebellion, Vader finally learned who the boy was. Oh, the boy.

He was Luke Skywalker from Tantuan. Weird. Oh, my God. Could he be a relative? No, does it say that? Was that you or didn't say that? It's in the book. It's in the book. Could his wife had born a child? God, Walker. That's my name.

Wait a second. Excuse me, could his ex-wife have a born-in-child? Vader now had another reason to find the alliance. Utilizing probe droids, Vader finally located the alliance's echo base on Hawth, where he came tantalizingly close to capturing Princess Leia and her friends aboard Han Solo's ship. Tantilizing close to capturing your own daughter. The probing, the penetrating, the tantalizing, I don't like any of it.

All this on more on Pornhub. Vader knew that if he'd captured Solo and Leia, he would be able to lure Luke to him, so he hired several bounty hunters, including Boba Fett, who had worked with before to find the Millennian Falcon. That came through, and Luke was lured to Bestman's Cloud City to rescue his imprisoned friends. So is the Millennium Falcon a Toyota? If those cars are just existing in this world, can we get, like, are the big guys still around? Is Ford still making a fucking spaceship? It's the Toyota that made the Kessel running with five biceps.

Old man, this Camry's good enough for you. Also, I'm glad we finally started saying Luke again, because if you had to just read, he lured the boy. That's trouble. Andy, an editor maybe. But the boy, you're making me do it. But Luke found Vader instead. The two engaged in a tremendous lightsaber duel

as the Dark Lord tried to lure Luke into the carbonite freezing fit. Luke was too well-trained, though, and the battle raged on. Let's go dark side. Let's go dark side. Vader finally drove Luke out into the reactor shaft area and distracted him long enough to slice off his right hand, defenseless and in shock. Luke could only scream denials as Vader revealed.

I am your father. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Oh, I remember that. Oh, yeah. That's familiar. Page seven. Ooh. We're getting there.

Rounded into shape. You all having fun? Yeah. All good. Now here's the full schematics of the second Death Star. So the garbage shaft was located on level 10. Vader offered his hand telling Luke that they could overthrow the emperor and rule the galaxy together as father and son.

Luke didn't even reply, looking at the monster his father had become. Oh, hi, Luke. I said you that text a couple days ago, and I just keep seeing the three dots and it gets exciting like you're going to come back. But you never say anything, dude. And the emails, I've just given up at this point. All right, hey, man, look, I'm going to be having lunch at this diner tomorrow at noon. If you're there, that's fine.

If not, I'll understand. Sending an email, re-ruling the galaxy as father and son, question mark. Yes, okay, so Luke calmly stepped off the platform and fell. Vader watched until he saw Luke sucked up by an exhaust pipe. Sure. Bader found Luke's severed hand and his lightsaber in smelting cordi where an ugnaut named Grogan had rescued them

Thank you Grogon Killing the ugnaz No Grogan did a good job Thanks but no thanks Grogan Hey ugnats are them Nick Nulti voice more fucking The little guys

Oh another goddamn hand The lightsaber fell down my fucking shaft Oh, cool, this is going to get me a promotion. Should have never worked for a fucking emperor. Vader took the hand and saber and left aboard his superstar destroy executive. He fleeting and caught Luke's mind as the falcon fled into hyperspace. You make like any jewelry out of that hand, or what are we doing with that hand? Oh, we're going to tell you.

No. He pickled it. Oh, hey, when I like make a joke about a hypothetical and then it's going to happen. The dark lord delivered the hand in saber to the emperor to the emperor. on mount tannis of wayland palpatine immediately started cultivating the cells for a clone of luke ah this would come into play at the last end of the you know the end of the thron trilogy with luke with the two news yeah yeah yeah yeah well at least it's not like pervert stuff you know you could have done the stranger with that hand finally the stranger is mine in the end luke surrendered

to vader's troops on the forest moon of andor the emperor had set an elaborate trap for the alliance centered around the second death star still under construction, but it was operational. It could have meant the end of the alliance fleet had fate not intervened. Nice. Father, I have one question. Why, Grogon?

Why? Justice for Grogon. Exactly. Okay, Luke appealed to his father trying to find the bit of Anakin he knew was still inside. Vader steeled himself and brought his son to the emperor. Laughingly, Palpatine cracked open her survey Christophe.

He did indeed. I mean, did you had one of these things, man? I'm not much of a drinker, but these are delicious. I've been crushing these all day, brother. You can drink like 10 and you're not even that drunk. I can still drive. Probably. Ah, no.

Cerveza Crystal Forget it Vader defender The Emperor and the father and son were soon locked in deadly combat And then Luke refused to fight He'd gained control of his anger Vader probed his son's feelings

To make him fight And he did so Oh you're so fucking special Oh you're so special You got a hold of your anchor Wow wow wow He's like mentally poking him in the chest Yes, and while probing his son, he sensed something that he had not seen before.

It just, would it kill you to say reading his son's mind? Luke's twin sister, his daughter, was Princess Leia. If you will not turn to the dark side, perhaps she will have made her threatened. It was that catalyst that broke Luke's Jedi com. He attacked again, hacking and stabbing with the lightsaber. He finally beat his father down, chopping off his cybernetic right end. I like that. You hand for hand.

Yeah. totally the hand and lightsaber tumbled down a reactor shaft oh god damn there's another fucking hand and light saber down here ridiculous turning his back on the crippled dark lord Luke confronted the emperor you failed your highness

I'm a Jedi like my father before me palpeteen knew then that the young Skywalker never you know serve him right so he attacked Luke with the blue force lightning oh boy again and everyone was like he could do that as he was prepared to deliver the killing Bolts, Vader betrayed

him for the final time. The Dark Lord lifted his master into the air and threw him down a burning shaft of a power core. As Palpatine disappeared into the abyss, Vader tried to throw himself after him. Oh, wait a second.

What have I done? You suck up. Oh my God. Suicide attempt. You, oh, God. All the respect is gone now. It's just fucking gone. Respect. It's like when Smithers jumps after

Mr. Burns down the trap door. Fucking disgusting. Luke stopped him and pulled him towards an imperial shuttle. They both knew that the Death Star was in danger. Okay. Vader couldn't go on. He asked Luke to take off his helmet so he can look at his son with his own eyes as he struggled

to breathe. Luke, take this mask off. And all these action figures start falling out of it. No. There's a no, there's a push. No, you've got to go under the hood and there's a push lever under, it's in the set. No. You know what? The other arm, I'll do it.

Take the glove off. Take the glove off. There we go. There we go. Yes. Vader wanted to look at his son with his own eyes as he struggled to breathe. He assured Luke that he did have goodness left in him. And then Anakin Skywalker, not Darth Vader died. I guess he's still alive somewhere. Look out. Oh, wow. He's alive in all our hearts. Check under your bed tonight.

Well, maybe because I guess the suit's still around. Like they probably have other prototypes of it. Luke took Vader's army to the moon of Endor and burned it in a funeral pile. Hell, okay, so not the original. Later that night, as he slipped away from a joint rebel and Ewak celebration, Luke was surprised to see a vision of Obi-Wan Kenobi,

Yoda, and Anakin Skywalker, all smiling to him. Not smiling at him, smiling to him. Just wonderful use of language. Maybe they can't see him, you know, because they're forced ghosts, so they're just kind of like gestimating. Like, yeah, that's all right.

I think that's him. Yeah, fuck it. He was blonde, right? Yeah, that's him. Canobi and Yoda's pupil and Skywalker's son was now and forever a Jedi and Anakin was a part of the light side of the force once again.

Oh, so it's like Catholicism. You can do whatever you want. Yep. And then on your deathbed, boom, you're right in heaven. That delicious sacrament at the end, dude, the last rites. What a beautiful loophole. I'm hoping for it, dude.

It's my only chance our way out, man. Catholic. Catholic hell's full of a bunch of people that got hit by a bus. Okay, so Luke later saw the trio of Jedi in his dreams. Oh, okay. Oh, guys, this is a bit much.

I'm trying to sleep here. Yoda and Ben told him that dreaming was a conduit for the force, while the spirit of Anakin helped reveal to his son who the dark lord of Belladron really was, and it was prospective Jedi.

But wait, what the fuck? There was another dark lord. Okay. From Belladroon? Of Bellaron. Okay. Apologies. Thank you for correcting me.

They knew it was Beloron. Yeah, oh, totally. And it was actually a prospective Jedi named Flint. Flint! Come on. This is definitely comic book territory. Who? Sounds like a dog.

Flint was, you know. Sounds like a dog. Dude, dog Jedi. I mean look Superman opened the fucking door it's gonna happen you know it's gonna happen I'd watch that movie yep oh hell yeah

so Flint who had been slighted by Luke before oh wow sure trained in the dark side by Vader it was the final time Luke would converse with the spirits of Yoda and his father five years after his death Vader's legacy was finally snuffed

the cybernetic hand Luke had cut off had somehow become encased in metal and survived the explosion of the second death star. What? All right. The molten space garbage. Okay, you know what? He's a poet.

I'm sorry. I take it back. I take it back. The molten space garbage eventually found its way to calamari where it plunged into the seas. That's like the Montcalamari. That's like that black bar. A lot of marinara sauce and lemon.

Some butter. Oh, my God. Some of those like kind of like hot peppers on. I would betray the alliance immediately. I would bonk, Admiral Akbar in the head, dragon. It's a trap! They're eating me! It's an all you can eat trap!

Don't you see the banana peppers? They're coming for us! See, what I would do is I'd lure him into this theater, and he would cook naturally. What are you all looking at? Why do you keep smelling me? Oh, I get it. Get those breadcrumbs away from me!

I did it! I'm wheeze laughing. You fucking did it. Instead of a trap. It's an app. Yes. The remains were found by a pretender to the throne of Palpatine. Trioculus.

Oh, yeah. We know trioculus. Any trioculus tattoos out there? Of course not. No. Previous entry, Trioculus go home for the ride home. Yes. Oh, seriously?

We talked about this already? Yeah, we did. So what was his bag? He had three eyes. Yeah. Oh, that guy. Yeah. guy.

Trioculus, who was attempting to fulfill a prophecy given by the prophets of the dark side with Vader's glove, he was supposed to be able to take over the galaxy. It didn't work. How much faith are you putting into, as he

puts it, space garbage? Proffets of the Dark Side, by the way, really awesome, shitty new metal band. Yes. You're going on out. We are prophets of the dark side. We are so excited to play this county fair?

The whereabouts of the glove are unknown to this day. Wow. If you or anyone you know has information about the whereabouts of Darth Vader's glove, call this number. The glove's wearing a wig and living in Tampa under an assumed name.

Update. 15 minutes after our broadcast aired, we got a call from Tallahassee, Florida. The glove died of natural causes in 1987. It is survived by its three children and 15 grandchildren. The glove led a prosperous and happy life. Update. I love Robert Stack.

Say update once more. Update. Anakin's spirit did appear once more. Okay. There we go. This time it was to Leia in her suite on Baccarat. He begged her forgiveness trying to take away her anger. Anger is the dark side he cautioned, adding,

I do not ask for absolution only your forgiveness. Do I, so I haven't read any of the books or the comic books. Do we ever get to see like Leia just pissed off and raging? Like, is she just, like, because that sounds like she's like really, you know, ripping through it. Maybe. You know what? It's been a while since I read that one. Okay.

Full disclosure. Anyone do you, Leah, Leah mad in media? No, no. I'm hearing crickets. I should add that to this board. Oh, I'm kidding. You guys already did for me. Lay didn't want to listen

Refusing to forgive The man who had tortured her Helped destroy her world And frozen honen carbonite Yeah, that sounds right Yeah And also threatened her boy Her boy

And also I'd be like All right you've appeared Like nine dreams of my brother This is the first fucking time You show him my dreams Dick Anakin disappeared Telling her

He would never be able to see her again but that he would hear if she called eventually in the heat of battle at Baccarat this is the truce at Baccarat all right sure bad guy

at the battle of the bad guys did come to at last forgive her father even though she would never forgets Oh look at that Okay Every word she took from the empire would help ease the pain of her memories

in that forgiveness Anakin Skywalker, the man who had become Darth Vayner, was finally freed. End of the entry. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Wow. Hell yeah. Now, I guess really quick.

These people want, get some air and a smoke break. Sure. Steve Saneck, what do you think? Yeah, I was surprised by the glove specifically. Okay. That was my biggest takeaway from this. I didn't know that his glove was so powerful. Yeah. Andrew.

Oh, you know, I think, well, I learned a lot of things. I think one, that Flint guy, he sounds like a real card. Oh, yeah. Or learn more about that. Real CAD. I will say, I'm glad that the black descriptor finally went away. Yeah, that's good. It was getting weird, Andy Mengles.

It was getting real weird. That and the family stuff, just not good. Yep. So Chris Cabin. Yeah. You know, this really did affect me. I actually had some respect for Darth Vader as a villain before this. Like, you know, before this.

Before this. but now that I know he's a suck-up like this, that he was going to throw himself down a fucking... He was going to commit suicide just because the emperor went away. That is unbelievable. I'm sorry. That's the most pathetic Star Wars detail I think I've ever heard in my life. Sickening.

So actually, it was pretty effective there, Eric, I will say. Now you know the rest of the story. Thank you, Oxford. Thanks a lot for coming out, y'all. Thank you so much. Now go and shoot yourself. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're going to be able to be. I'm going to go.

You know, I'm going to be. Oh, Oh, Oh, Yeah. Thank you.