We Hate Movies - S16: WHM Mail Bag 2.12.26

Episode Date: February 13, 2026

On the latest WHM Mail Bag, we’re reading some wild-ass letters from listeners about an ash-scattering debacle, blacking out at a Myrtle Beach road house, assisting a dubious martial arts figure at the video store, and multiple movie theater bathroom disasters!Don’t miss us on the road this winter when we’re in Los Angeles on February 22, Minneapolis on March 20, and Chicago on March 22! Tickets are on sale now and you’re not gonna wanna miss us, gang! Click through here and snag your tix now! Be sure to visit the WHM Merch shop over on Dashery and check out all the latest show-related designs you can slap on t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, stickers, whatever! Make your friends jealous by flaunting some WHM merch today! Want your read stories read on the air? Need the guys to settle a years-old family squabble? Lackluster relationship device? Write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Pamper that special someone at Elmwood Spa, Toronto's leading day spa. For 40 years, Elmwood Spa has been the leading destination for a relaxing and pampering experience. Let them enjoy soothing water therapies, a gourmet lunch, while wrapped in a cozy robe, or a couple's massage in a private suite with a fireplace. Order your gift cards by phone or online at elmwoodspa.com. That's elmwoodspa.com. On everybody, welcome to WHM Mailbag. My name is Andrew Jupin and I'm alongside three other hat-wearing individuals.

We have Stephen Sadek. Can I say that I started off not wearing a hat and I was pressured to because three out of four of you were? Yeah, hi. There it is. You're bullied right into it. Because you wanted to show off your long hair is what's going on. Long, luxurious hair. Silky smooth.

Speaking of Silky Smooth, we have Eric Siska. Man, that jazzy intro song made me just want to put out a cigarette right now. Totally. Right on your side, dude. Yeah. And Mr. Chris Cabin. Steve, we would not do it if you didn't fold so gracefully. You know, it's the beauty in it is really what it is.

Hi, everybody. How's everybody doing there? What is going on in the chat? We have Nathan Foley. Demons. That went by too fast. Aaron 6-6-44, maybe. Lemon Strike 20.

Does Andrew need glasses? EB 419. One million naps. I've taken one of those. Sucked. There's sucked. I haven't seen Sucked in a while. Oh, welcome back. Sucked. This is a new episode of the Hat Boys. Yeah, this is W.HM Mailbag.

We haven't done this in a while, but we like to break it out when we have like things to plug. And we want to make sure people are getting the word out. And of course, we are going to be in Los Angeles next Sunday. Not this Sunday, but next Sunday. 22nd, which is crazy. We're back at the Hollywood Improv. And look at the great Felipe art here. Kaboom, talking Broken Arrow.

Travolta probably, this was like the Travolta. He's got the same haircut in this movie and Phenomenon, I think. Yes. This was like a post-Tarantino bump. Like, I could be in movies, Mark. And like, it was just riding that out for a little while. Yeah. Yeah.

Not the flowing locks of Michael. Michael is where you get those nice locks, but this is more military. Was he actually an angel in that movie? He was absolutely an angel. He was. He was the Archangel Michael. In real life, according to me, too. What is sweetheart.

Wait, Archangel Michael. The Archangel? Michael the Archangel. Oh, I didn't know Michael was an archangel. I thought there was just Gabriel. Believe Michael's an arch. Now I've got to look up angels. You keep going.

Chad, Chuck. Suck, do you know about the angels? Sucked. What do you know about angels? Yeah, Michael. AI overview from Google. Oh, this. Oh, good. There it is.

Michael the angel is, the, the archangel is revered as supreme leader of heaven's armies. God damn. Oh, shit. That's like a general of some sort. Yeah, a little general. Yeah, but we're going to be there.

By the way, tickets are all on our website, WHM podcast.com. Click on that tour page. But yeah, we love the Hollywood Improv, man. Great staff there. Great freaking room. That's going to be a lot of fun. You got to go.

Always a great time. You're in the California area. to go to it. Yeah. Sorry. And that's it. You know, there's not San Francisco. There's not San Diego this year.

You've got, come on. Folks. Yeah. Folks, I'm traveling. Arduous journey. I got to get on the, I got to get on horseback tomorrow to start. Wow. I got a fear of flying.

I'm not flying anymore. I'm taking horse. Yeah, that's what John Goodman did. Or John Goodman. John Madden. He took a horse on. John Madden. Yes.

He scared of the horse that I have to put down. How many dead horses do you think that is from here to Los Angeles? If you're going the whole way. A few. At least the first season of luck. I'll be on horseback and on horse, you know, heroin. So I won't know. Oh, wow. That's awesome.

So we got some letters here that we're going to read. Chris Cabin, you are the mailmaster here. And you know who should be reading what. So who's going to kick us off, my friend. I'm actually going to do the first one. Oh, okay. I love it. I love it.

I'm going to do this one. Okay. Okay. So this is Family Fun Lake Trip. Hey guys. Been listening for a couple years now, huge fan, and still working through all of the WHM episodes. I recently had the pleasure of listening to Blame It on Rio,

episode 147 for the first time. Hands down, one of the funniest episodes I've ever heard so far. Dear God, what a trash movie. I agree. A real, terrible stamp from Mr. Stanley Donan. Anyway, I wanted to write into, yes, it's disgusting.

Right to the mailbag with a story. took place about four to five years ago. Not sure if this is funny, weird, humiliating, or sad. But I caught eye chair nonetheless. My grandmother had recently passed and was cremated. Her ashes were to be scattered at a lake near Saranak Lake, New York. That was meaningful to her and the family. We all live in this connected to the Albany region, regions of New York.

Hey, shut out. Her daughter. Anyone ever have that Serenac beer? Serenac? Yes. Yeah. Pretty good. Solid brewery. I feel like it was good before I knew that there were his other beer. I liked it for a long time, but... Okay.

You're probably not liking his grandma's ashes in there, so there's just a little hint of it. You know what I mean? Granny Ash stout, please. Just on the top. It's like... It's like Doris. Her daughter, my aunt, had passed away two decades prior to this

and had also been cremated. Her ashes took up residence on my dad's dresser for many years until the time came to scatter grandma's ashes. And it was decided they would go together. Oh, two birds with one stone, huh? I guess so. I mean, cut to me and the rest of the family driving to a meeting in Saranac Lake, then caravan to the final resting place of my grandma and aunt. However, it was the middle of the goddamn summer in Saranac Lake on a fucking Saturday.

So the place was mobbed. Yeah. Yep. Like couldn't find parking in the, in the lake's parking lot field kind of mob. Luckily, there are over 140 bodies of water in the Saranac Lakes Wild Forest region. So we popped over to a different lake. Meaningful to dam. Same difference.

Well, I mean, you don't want to like, you're scattering your ashes on people going swimming or something. Yeah, exactly. You have like a boat go by and like the gas trails get in. whatever. No, it's just new fad. This is ashing. You know, it's just fun. It's on the beach. It's normal. This one was much less

crowded and we found an ideal spot away from most people, save for a lone fisherman nearby. Better not catch any of the ashes you're throwing in there. I don't want to catch any of your ashes now. You got to imagine a lot of fish are eating these pieces.

Whatever comes out. A lot of fish have to be getting these things. So then someone catches that fish, eats the fish, consumes grandma. And then what happens then when they have a child, that child is now grandma's soul? No, it's a fish. A fish comes out. Oh, a fish comes out of a person? I think so.

Holy crow. That'd be a lot easier to pass than a whole baby. I'd wait. I don't think you'd call it passing, but I understand what you're saying. Maybe it'd be like a whole school would come out of you then. that'd be, oh, yeah, okay, I see it. That's horror. Maybe, like a dozen, yeah, maybe.

Yeah. We then set to opening the urns. Grandma's popped right open, no problem, and she was somewhat unceremoniously dumped into the lake. That means someone almost dropped it and it tipped over. Well, I mean, it's just where you got to figure that out. You need a little something, you know, a poem or a quote, even like, you know, you want to quote Star Trek the Rath of Khan.

That's cool to. Whatever. whatever she liked well I think that's the idea we'll see I think they think about that too late Stephen actually in all the souls I met in my life grandmas was the most

human well she loved Kevin Smith and Kirk clerk so 37 my girl my grandmother sucked 37 dicks did you actually get that number well we're pretty soon that is a

Grampy movie at this point right it is yeah You'll all be making fun of us for like that. Spoiler alert, you're lowballing me. There was a breeze that day, but luckily, it carried grandma out to sea instead of dusting her into our lungs. Thank God for that. That's good, yeah. Then came Auntie.

Now, I'm sure what the cremation people used to, I'm not sure what the cremation people used to secure the top of her urn, but that thing was stuck. and it should have been a clue that all of this was about to get awkward. Oh my God. After a lot of bug. You need to get a champagne saber to like cut the top. Oh, well, yeah. Are these glass

though? I don't know if that... Metal. Metal going through it. The sword works against wood and other things. Sure. Like a quick rehearsal. Like, you know, the night before just check the ashes. You don't need to pop it off and then, you know, that it's out kind of loose. You know what I mean? Take a whiff?

Yeah, take a little. a whiff. Leave a little in the motel. It smells like grandma. Get a little like oil around the rim maybe, just a looser in the tit. Yeah. Bang it against the side of a counter, run it under hot water, you know, because you don't want this to happen, so here

we go. You don't want to have the dinner knife in there propping up, trying to get the air in it. After a lot of jimmying cursing and amateur safe cracking techniques, someone eventually pried the top off and we were back on track. My dad

turned the urn upside down and instead of the fine dust we expected, only a few rogue chunks fell out. Ewell. Chunks, oh, did a cat piss in it. That's not good. The rest of Auntie was stuck in the thing. Oh, like, stuck to the side. You get a bag on the, like, down in the cake batter. There's a rim, I think, down there.

Sturd around. Yeah. Oh, is this because they said the aunt had passed 20 years. Oh, man. It's like expired ashes. Yeah, because I think you're supposed to only, you, like, there is a time. to do it and probably should do it after that. I'll look that up down.

They should fucking put it like a dump by date on here. Is that like humidity and moisture or something after the year's makes it like... Probably, right? I mean, it's staying at the same place, though it's also could just be naturally like compacting itself there. Grandma was on the dresser, but we left old

Auntie out on the deck and she got rain and snowed on. Oh, no. My dad, the rest of Auntie was stuck in the thing. It would not be tapped out. We all cast about for some kind of poking device to release the remains, but had

no luck. Someone remember they had a screwdriver in the car. But before, they could run to get it. Another person remembered the fisherman. Surely an Aneronics or doorsman like that would have something we could borrow.

And he did. We borrowed that poor man's knife. Use it to chip onto it. out of the urn. He had a big fisherman's hook because he was out there. Somebody had done something last summer that he was taken care of.

I forget. Oh, right. He just got in there and skirm. He's a nice guy unless he knows what you did last summer. Are you from? Are you from around here? Did you know my daughter by any chance? Sally?

Use the chip. I can't get over. Chip Auntie out of the urn. Yeah, that's a really good word. Released her unto the water. gave the knife a quick rinse, well, returned it to him. At that point, the water near the shore is fucking gray from all the burnt human remains that have been dumped into the water.

I'll be honest, it was stomach churning. I bet. This feeling only increased when another family member waded into the gray water, knelt over and swished it around with her hands. To be clear, I'm not close. with that side of the family. Yeah, because they're the ash bathers. I guess you was trying to like, get out of here, ashes, go into the sea.

Go out of here, ashes. We don't want you anymore. Now here's your cue here, Stephen. This bitch then started singing the old African-American spiritual swing low, sweet chariot, and reluctantly, a few other family members, not me, joined in. We are black, so at least there's that. I kind of was putting this two and two together there. Yeah.

I love the we are black. So at least there's that question mark she puts in the sentence. Maybe that excuse me. I don't know. It's amazing. Anyways, this was mercifully the end of the event. Most of the day felt like a harrowing, out-of-body experience. I often wonder what that poor fisherman thought while watching us.

If that knife was rinsed thoroughly enough. and if he kept fishing as the human ashwater disintegrated into the rest of the lake. Absolutely love you guys and your shows. Keep up the good work, Whitney. Oh, thank you, Whitney. That is a hell of a story, Whitney. I'm sorry for your losses. Any kind of human remains is going to be good for a lake or a body of water.

You need to fertilize it. Yes, absolutely. I think the coolest. I mean, it's, I don't think I want to be buried. I do think I'd rather be cremated, but then what are you doing with the ashes? And like this, this doesn't sound great, you know what I mean?

Well, see, that's the thing is like, you know, you were saying, Steve, you need like a plan. And I feel like it should be incumbent on the person doing the passing to be like, listen, after I'm cooked up and you put me in that urn, I don't want to be sitting on my son's dresser. Like, you have to do this and that. You know, I want to toss them out at Yankee Stadium,

like whatever it's going to be. But like, you got to have a plan in place. because otherwise you just wind up his fucking furniture for 20 years. So, Steve, what are you going to do? Scattered in a comic bookstore or something? Because I'll do that. I'll ruin the secret stash for you. Thank you.

Please do you. Throw your body around. Throw in Walt Flanagan's face. We just did our clerk's episode last night. So it's all in our minds. Eric just goes up to him and he's like, yes, I would like to buy that compendium of Kevin Smith's run on Daredevil. This was your biggest fan.

Actually. Let it be said, though. Stephen, I really hope Walt Flanagan passes before you. Yeah, that's... Here's open. I will say, Mark... Another comic writer, really cool one, cool idea with ashes.

Mark Runewald wrote something called the Squatter of Supreme. It was like a proto-watchman thing. He loved it so much. He was like, when I die, the next printing, mix my ashes into the ink. And then I'm part of the book forever, which that's a really... That's a really cool.

Yeah, it's a really cool idea. There are a way we can get our asseses into the ink. into the podcast app. That's what I think. Download it onto people's phones. And RSS feed somewhere. I feel like, you know, maybe we get that technology like 40 years from now. So by the time we're sort of teeing up to check out, maybe we got something going there.

Or we'll be all like tronned by that point, probably, right? Yeah, or just put it behind the Taco Bell that killed me. You know what I mean? Just right in the garbage right there. He would have loved this. You think it's the most local one, but it's not. It's actually the one in Times Square. Oh.

No, thank you. Oh, man. Amazing letter, Whitney. Thank you. Who's up next for Christopher Cabin? Our boys, okay, that's going to go to Andrew. Andrew's going to do it. Okay, okay.

Let's see the old iPad here. Our boys. Hey, boys. I just heard the mail call in your last episode and had to give you guys an all-timer embarrassing story. Now we're talking about. Love this already. The year was 2015.

I was recently 21 and serving in the Marines out at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. A group from our platoon was traveling to Myrtle Beach to perform in the ceremony portion of a Marine Corps birthday ball. Wasn't Camp Lejeune the one that had all those issues with the... If you were stationed at Camp Lejeune between this time and this time, you have ass cancer or whatever. I think it was like the toxic water or something. Maybe grandma got into the water. Too many grandmas. The ceremony went off without a hitch and being functional alcoholics.

We had to go get blackout drunk on our per diem to celebrate a job well done. Of course. Uh-oh. Our first stop of the night, which set the tone for everything to follow, was Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. Oh, boy. No, no, no, no, no, no. One and done for this crew. Yes, that was a mistake I made.

I ate French fries so bad at that restaurant. it almost made me consider giving up French fries for the rest of my life. And to be fair, were they warm at least? No. Did you get? Oh, pretty ice cold.

Yeah. This was the Times Square location, perhaps. Yeah. In North Carolina, maybe it's good. Let's see where the story goes. Yeah, well, let's find out. I ordered a bucket of dogfish head 90 minute IPAs for myself and my friend,

for myself, and my friends followed suit ordering five buckets of beer. Mm. 90 minute IPAs, everybody. The bucket's a tough one. You know, you really want to go, if you and the boys are having a good one, some Miller lights in a bucket short,

you know what I mean? It's got to be low ABV, like you're drinking beer water, you know, with some coronis. I've tackled a bucket of coronies in my day. But this year, I would,

a bucket for the table, guys. Yeah. That's true. But that's, I don't know what are you guys going to have? It gets, oh my God, it gets so much worse.

So ordering, five buckets of beer, Long Island Ice teas, and drinks that came in big fish bowls. Yes. Absolutely. That's what I'm doing right after this. Can you get big fish bowl drinks in a bucket? Can you have the fish bowls in a bucket? It's got to be a bathtub or a kitty pool.

Yeah. Oh, wow. That would be a good one. Bath tub. That'd be a bathtub for the table, please. Eric, there was that, we went to that party at Southbine that bar had all like fish bowls. drinks. Yes, that was the friendship premiere party

or whatever. There you. That's fun. Let's see. Okay, we shared appetizers and left as soon as we could because every five to ten minutes, the ten foot blender in the restaurant would rumble and a giant tequila bottle would come down from a faux

funnel cloud and pour liquor into the blender as a chorus of angels sing over the speakers. This sounds amazing. This is better than the Times Square one. It's definitely better than the Times Square. Yeah, we didn't have any of these theatrics. We just had like nine birthday parties going on at the same time. There was no beach where you guys were.

It's true. Yeah, this is Myrtle Beach. One of the worst places on Earth. I can say that I vacationed there for like 12 years. Yes. I've never been. So I have no idea. I will say cool thing about that place.

A lot of good, cool, very, very elaborate mini golf courses. All right. It better be. I got to do something there, dude. Exactly. All right, we drank our way through various Myrtle Beach bars doing jello shots that came in big syringes, Yeager bombs, and downing any beer that came our way. Well, this is the problem with some kinds of, some kinds of all kinds of binge drinking.

Any time it's funny to do it, you're going to get into trouble. You know what I mean? Like, oh, that sounds hilarious. That is a bad, it should be like, do I want this? Do I like this liquor? Is this something that I will enjoy as opposed to? well that'll make a great story wouldn't it be so funny if we all

ordered X that's about yeah exactly well yeah that's something that comes with age I think I think oh yeah you learn that you still got to be building those stories for a while and then exactly you gotta be young and making mistakes like this first somehow we ended up in a terrible

dueling piano bar oof Daffy Duck was on one and Donald Duck was on the other this ape let us in what do you mean Jessica Rabbit isn't here tonight? What do you mean? I'm getting out of here.

Fuck this place. A man was murdered in the secret back room. When the pianists got a request for a song they didn't know, which happened multiple times while I was there, they'd crack a joke and go into Billy Joel's piano man. Oh, that's fun. Oh, no. It's probably an easy way to ruin that song for everybody, too. I was going to say, that's a lot of piano man.

Then you're saying, how did I get here? Not what are you doing here. How did I get here? I stepped away from my friends and walked to the bar to order another beer. The next thing I remember, I was talking with a very attractive woman. Hello. Yeah, all right. We got to talk in and drinking, and she offered to buy me a shot of wild turkey.

Jesus Lord. This is, I'm feeling hungover just reading this. We clinked our glasses. I tilted my head back, through the shot back, attempted to swallow, and launched my head forward, unloading a night's worth of alcohol and margarita Ville appetizers all over the bar. Yes. I knew we'd get a vomit. This is awesome. I love vomit. This rocks. Also, thank you for your service. Yes.

Your drinking service, really. I was so drunk that the magnitude of this situation didn't dawn on me. I turned to this woman, held up one finger and said, One moment, please. And walk straight to the bathroom to clean myself up. Classy, short. Classy, dude. I like that move.

Fucking rules. Good job. Much to my drunk shock, when I left the bathroom, the woman was long gone. Weird. My buddy ran up to me. Dude, we better get going. The bartender's really pissed. I think he's going to call the cops.

Why would he be angry? What's going on? Come on. I mean, if you vomited on a table at, Margaritaville, people would be like, order up, someone sears their food, take it out. Get into a bowl.

I paid my tab, tip included, and was rushed outside. At this point, I blacked out and don't remember how I got home. The only thing I remember from the rest of the night is walking by a red lobster and saying, man, I could crush some cheddar bay biscuit. Ain't it the truth.

I can do that right now, as a matter of fact. I woke up the next morning in my hotel room sitting in an armchair wearing only my underwear. It was years before I could drink wild turkey again. Have any of you guys ever ruined your chances with a woman in a spectacular fashion, or is it just me? Drunkenly yours, Derek from Chicago. Thank you, Derek. My God, I don't think it was the wild turkey exactly. I don't think that was the one thing that did it.

No, yeah. Don't blame the bourbon. Compounded. I have definitely. done the thing where you take a shot and I never did it at the bar but the second you take the shot you're like

oh I'm gonna vomit and then like quick beeline to the bathroom because that's the danger with the shot is you're like I think I got this oh no I don't got this kind of a thing that was like Steve I believe it was our second year at purchase we were doing a power hour do you remember this we ran

out of like the light beer and we were using like red dog or whatever Irish ale or whatever. And we were down to the last minute. And I was like, I know I'm going to vomit. Yep. And I took the shot glass of the beer. I went in the bathroom we had in the

onsuit there. So, you know, three, two, one, last shot. Pounded it, swallowed, immediately vomited right into the toilet. It was perfection. I'm going to tell you, if you are drinking red dog, that should just be in the plan. That's just, even if you get one tall boy of red dog still, that should be, you know what, there's going to be a vomit at some point. oh man that's that's absolutely brutal i i mean i'm i'm i'm sure i have i don't remember the yeah exactly uh i'm sure i have done this i have definitely fucked up like i probably was

talked to someone and then the drink happened and i was like you know what i'm going to get myself closer to a bathroom just so i know what's going on um anybody uh are you guys off anything that like you got sick off of and you can't drink again? Well, I think the last time I've ever like truly blacked out was 14 years ago now or no, 11 years ago.

Uh, was, uh, we were out for a birthday party and somebody ordered Long Island ice tea. Ice teas. That's a funny idea. Yep.

I had two of those and I literally don't remember anything else in the night. And I'm like, that's a never again scenario. That's just in the, that's not going to happen. We're not doing that one. Once I went to this party and they were doing like beer pong, right? But then they ran out of beer.

Let's do it with Southern Comfort. Oh, no. I woke up on my buddy's floor like 70 miles from where I was with my pants off. And I had no idea what happened that. 70 miles is very impressive. Well, we were supposed to go back there. later that night and I we did we we ended

up there so good that's amazing no I I really did get tired of the like the the bottom falling out of your gut when you realize you don't remember anything yep yep that was really I just couldn't wake up like that ever which one of them's is dead

I don't want to know it and then if you dare look at the phone and whatever you text it to whoever exactly want to know what it is so I don't do any hard liquor anymore I'm mostly just beer and wine these days if I have any but I try to keep

light on those as well. I try to keep heavy on all of it. Yeah. But the shots are a bit you know that's a little shots I can't do like I still drink liquor. I talk to it and I'm like okay sure like a fucking idiot. Well we were Steve you and I were just out at a dinner with some friends

on Saturday night and we were at a bar and the the dude was like here you go as I was cashing out gives me a shot of Jameson I was like, Steve, you want this? I made it go away. It was okay. Keep a good home. Yeah, no, I knew you would.

Speaking of none of that, I don't think we'll be doing any binge drinking on the road. But next month, we are going to be making our debut in the resilient city of Minneapolis, which I'm very excited about. We were there to talk about the 1982 Conan de Barbillian, the Arnold Schwarzenegger one, not the remake with, was Mamoa in the remake?

Is that who it was? I don't remember. Somebody remade that. Jack, some thing was in there. I think that's him. But this is really cool. We've never been to Minneapolis. Yes, Mamoa.

We are excited to get in there and entertain the masses. And we're at the varsity theater, which is very cool. I've looked at a gorgeous looking venue, very excited about that. Super stoked. Yeah, I would love to see you guys out there. Also, like, if you're constantly saying, like, come to my small town in Michigan or this place or that place, If you're in the Midwest, we got two dates for you. Come on out.

Whatever's closest or both. Yes. Or both. Or both. Whatever floats your boat. Eric got a master's in barbarianism for this. He doesn't talk about it. He's, you know, he's a humble man.

But really, he tried to get as prepared for this show as possible. We love this. Thank you, Chris. I mean, I love this movie, too. I now know how to club a woman. Right. I can club a woman now because of the barbarian training. And then I also.

Eat raw meat now. Oh, really. Are you listening to Jordan Peterson or? Yeah, no, I'm fully in the Manosphere now. Speaking of the Manosphere, Chris Cabin, who's got this next one? Steve, why don't you take this one? This is Frank Duke Selects. Right?

Yes, that's a, yeah, okay, cool. So Frank Dukes, in case anyone remembers, that's from a Bloodsport episode. That's the guy that is quote unquote blood support, but also was a huge liar. So, hey guys, my name is James and I live in Santa Fe,

New Mexico, been a fan of yours for years and I am excited to finally tell you my Frank Duke story. Oh, nice. He's finally telling

someone is Frank Duke's story. Years ago, after the turn of the last century. Oh, come on, man. What are you, a vampire? Or was that fucking 20 years ago?

You know, I was a young man, I was a young man working in Hollywood. They had just made talkies, you understand. No, I was working at a holly Hollywood video in Albuquerque, a location famous for a triple homicide.

That's a story for a different podcast. You know what? Send that in. We're pivoting to true crime. We're going to be laughing about murders and stuff. So please send that in because a murder, triple homicide at a video store, I want to know about it. There's plenty of stuff there. Yeah.

How does the body layout? Was it like this? Or were you watching the movie Maxine is a question. Frank Dukes came in to rent some videos regularly. every time he came in, we had the exact same interaction. He would tell me exactly who he was and why he was famous. God damn it. Then he would ask me to take him through the story to help him choose his movies.

That's crazy. Anytime you noticed a JCVD movie, he told me what a piece of shit JCP was. And would go on and on about how he still owed him $1 million. One million. He made you famous, first of all. JCBD made you famous. I'm sure he's an average. but he made you famous.

I'm sure it's a story rights situation. Yeah. Promise for a little extra more. When we walked past DVDs of the show Riba, he would tell me how nice Riba was, how she gave his wife free albums. That's so nice. Wait,

Reba should have been in Bloodsport 2 or 3. Hey, y'all, we're going to the Kumete. Well, it's a blood sport tonight. I'm going to break. or she in about halfway through our walk. He would pull out an old Polaroid of him and a very sick-looking Elvis and tell me this was taking the day before Elvis died.

Yep, sure. He would then pay for his rentals and leave. He was always very polite with the staff. He never recognized me, though. And I had that experience with him at least five times with the Polaroid, Riba, and everything. That is Jimmy. That's a sad old man's story.

That's a sad old. Oh, that's incredible. Frank Dukes. Frank sucks more like it. Holy shit. Maybe after all his courageous battles over the years and all the heroics and everything, he's got like facial blindness so he doesn't recognize who he's talking to. Because he killed so many people for the CIA, you understand. And all those orphans he rescued, you know.

Oh, of course. What did he say he sold a sword to save orphans? What was that story? Yeah, the sword that he won at the Kumitae. He doesn't have any more, you understand, because he unfortunately had to sell that to save a boatload of orphans from somewhere or something. Do we talk about that on our bloodsport episode? I do believe we do.

That's available on patreon.com slash we hate movies right now. That's right. Oh, man, that's pretty great. That's pretty awesome. I'm sure he got a boatload of something for that sort. I don't think he was children. I think it was a substance of some sort. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Trying to think of anything. Yeah. So I'm like, I used to work at a, I think I've told the story before, maybe not. Like the idea of old men just kind of talking to you when you're working is something that I'm quite familiar with. I used to work at a health. It was kind of a, it was a beach club over the summer. Not unlike a young Brandon Walsh.

We look exactly the same. Really? Where was this orchard beach? No, thankfully. It was New York Athletic Club in Pelham, New York. All right. A little nice little rich boy over here. Although he was working there, so he was attending to the little rich boys.

That's right. I was wiping their asses. There was an old guy that would come in, and the way the lockers worked was you had to go and basically, like, put the lock on for them, I believe was the idea. You always have to go in and give them the combination lock or whatever the fuck it was.

And I remember everyone else, 99% of dudes that I would do this for. There were girls, staff members for the ladies, that I would do this for. You'd walk them there. Oh, Locker 5, here you go, buddy. And then you'd walk out. this guy, the second he got into the locker room,

just started getting naked. Immediately. And I mean immediately. Holy shit. Cock and balls out. What are we talking about here? Like old man shit? Well, he's an old man.

Well, sometimes that can be a surprise. Like, wow, that's still going. Like, Jack La Lane probably had a functioning cock well into his 80s. So was it nice or what, man? I remember it being circumcised. That's for sure. How old were you? I was definitely underage.

I was like 17 years old, 16 years old, for sure. Story keeps getting better. Shouldn't see things at that age, no. But the weirdest part was like a lot of people, when you gave them their locker, you know, just your young kid, here's a buck, here's a buck. I would always be like, here you go, Mr. I can't remember the guy's name.

Epstein. Epstein. Oh, my God. It was Jeff Epstein. It's all coming back. No, here you go, Mr. Whatever. But he's like, no, no, no, hold on. Hold on. I got something for you. And he would go back into his shorts, which are hanging up, and his cock would be swinging around. And he would give me 75 cents.

Not worth the weight. That's the thing is I was like, I'm totally cool. Even though this is a lot more money back now that it is what I'm telling the story. Sure. Even still, I'm good with the 75 cents. Underneath the quite a generous man. Quite that much. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's not worth getting hit in the wrist by a wild cock flying around. That's incredible. Watch it there, fella. I didn't see any dicks, but there was always the thing, both in the multiplex and art house world, of like when old people would come out of a movie, if you happen to be, like, in the lobby or, you know, behind the concession stand or whatever,

they'd want to talk to you about the movie. Oh, man. And, man, if there's one thing I got no patience for, it's talking about movies with strangers, especially when it's like, did anybody get it situation? Or, like, why did you bother play in this situation? And I'm like, I really just don't. Okay.

Uh-huh. Yep. Oh, yeah. You're totally right. Yeah. And oh, it was garbage. It's like, not even going to bother. Just agree with everything because the faster you agree, you can get through all the kivetching and then they'll get out of there.

But man, I hated that. That was the scourge of the ticket ripper. If there's your ticket. Because they're doing nothing for the most part. They're just standing there. And the old people just zero in on it. They're like, oh, well, that person can yammer. No, I don't want to.

Thank you. And that's what sucks about the ticket. Like, because you're stuck there. right if you're like an usher or the concession stand the projectionist you're moving all over the place but ticket person that's it man you got nowhere to go you're screwed you know speaking of swinging cox i got a penis story we could lay on the folks please let's do it out dude i've mentioned this before but Stephen just awoken this memory in me but it was my swinging dick that's the twist of the story I was going to the restroom in grand central this was like I was probably like 20 or 21 I was, it was young enough. But I was legal. Legal at least. This old businessman rushes to the urinal besides me and is clearly taking a good look.

Uh-huh. And then he followed me around the station making eyes at me. Oh, shit. And it was, you know, I was disgusted and flattered a little bit. Yeah, of course. It's a nice, nice little ego boost, a little spring of the rest of it. Good enough for him. Was it in a thing?

was it a thing in the bathroom where like you were at a stall and then there were like seven empty stalls and he he went to yours like next to you like seven empty urinals within us yes yes mozied right up to you the way he went to mine was like he was about to give me head okay yeah okay wow was he like coked out or something no no didn't seem so no he didn't seem drunk either it was really cock hungry he was a cock hungry old guy yeah his brain is the only substance he needs i mean i don't think he's good right there i don't know i don't think he's good right there i don't know he didn't know what he wanted maybe to get me off. I don't think I could get him off because this guy was like 80 probably or 70 something. Oh wow. Silk and tie, bald. Rinkling a song, sunny boy. I'm singing a song. Looking for a companion. I'm smoking a cock, sonny boy. That's that guy. Not exactly that amorous, I will say, but I do, this did jog loose something. When I worked, there was like a, what's called Angie's list kind of rip off that I worked for for about a year and a half. And I did their copy for a while. And I was with the boss for most of the

day. And that would mean every once in a while, we would go to the bathroom at the same time. Oh, that's nice. We were in the, we were next to each other at the pisser. And I'm not kidding you. At the pisser. At the pisser. And white next to me. And every time we would go in, there. He would just start piss and then would rip these massive farts. And this was a skinny guy. So they were disgusting. Like they were like big fucking loud ones.

And then after it, every time, this happened at least once a week, he would just look over and be like, where else are you going to do it, right? I appreciate taking it to the bathroom, I guess. Now, Chris, are you saying that skinny farts are worse than fat farts? When they're loud, yes.

seen generally speaking the the the smell is much more danker on those uh because there's not like bigger butt cheeks to like collect more of you're saying yes the rips yeah okay yeah there's a i do i do think silencer really i kind of look here's the thing yes absolutely if you have to fart uh in a public place or like you know if you're out out at work or whatever you probably if you can go to the bathroom so to fart i would even go so far as go in the stall and close the door and let him rip, big man. Yes. Because that's an appropriate place at the urinal.

By yourself, it's fine, but next to someone. Oh, yeah. That's tough. That's for you and me, you know, the working man who's thinking about people. This is a boss man who clearly wanted to ruin someone's day or. That was really what they wanted. Bossman at the pisser, man. When I was working corporate job, the senior vice president there, he was going to the

he was next to me at the pisser like you're talking about. Chris. Pissor, how old are we? Did we serve a W-W-2? What do you mean? That I had a job? It's the urinal. Oh, the urinal.

Yeah. Urinals are urinals, but I would like to... I like Pissor. I'm enjoying it. This is what I like to designate Pissor for, though, because Steve, you said old-timers, you'll go to those, like, scuzzy old dive bars where it's, like, it's not a urinal. It's basically half of a bathtub stuck to a wall. No.

That's a Pissor. I would say that's a pisser. That's me going to install. by the way. It's like, all right, so you guys enjoy yourself. I'll see you. I will, I'll never miss an opportunity to piss in half of a bathtub sealed to a wall with fucking ice cubes in it. But please. Sorry. No, no. You were at the pisser. I'm at the urinal, because I'm a young, vibrant man. I'm at the urinal and the boss man is there and he just won't stop talking to me.

Oh, geez. Talking the entire time. He's pissing away having a grand old time. And I'm like, oh you know I don't want to risk my job by pissing wrong and then I got nervous about pissing and I couldn't finish right away it was oh god see I don't have the problem with the with the going but it's funny you say that dude because my old boss who I'm still friends with to this day he's a great dude but he was a bathroom talker and oftentimes like we would go to lunch you know and he'd be like oh I have to go to the bathroom I'll go to the bathroom too just get it over before we leave the office and he would just be talking and it was the kind of bathroom

where there was a urinal and then there was a stall and that was it. So I'd always run for that stall. I'd like to be able to hang my bag up on the coat rack, all that stuff, coat hook, whatever. And he would just be going, just talking.

And I wouldn't have performance anxiety with the pissing. I would have performance anxiety with the responding to what he was saying. So like he'd be talking and talking and talking. I'd be like, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, wow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

yeah, okay. There are so many places to talk. There's so many places you. Yes. We as a society are allowed to talk. I want pure silence. Exactly. I'm telling you guys, it's a power move.

It's every time it's a power move just to give you a little bit of uncomfortable. Probably. Probably is. But, you know, speaking about pissing, I'm sure we'll be going to the bathroom in Los Angeles, California at some point. That's right. February 22nd, coming up fast, guys, we're at the Hollywood improv talking broken arrow from 1996. It's going to be a lot of fun. I know you guys do a mean Travolta too.

So it's going to be a great show. I believe there's a meet and greet tickets. There was some confusion. All these venues, I guess, just made it preferred seating or VIP. So whenever you see preferred seating or VIP, the more expensive ticket is the meat and greet ticket. You can talk to us afterwards. We'll take pictures.

Well, you know, tell me your pissing story. Please be happy to. Wash your hands first, by the way, everybody. Yes. Do not shake my hand. without sanitizing it. Yes. Please and thank you in advance for that.

Yes, but it doesn't stop there. March 20th will be in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the varsity theater, talking about Conan the Barbarian from 1982 with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And then that Sunday, a few days away, you could double these up, travel with us, see us at the airport. March 22nd will be in Chicago, Illinois, my hometown sort of at the Den Theater talking big from 1988. This is that movie where Tom Hanks

is a little kid, then he gets big, and then he gets that hanging hammer, and he doesn't know what to do with the bathroom, so the lady helps him. And he's dancing on the fucking piano with Robert Lozier. Oh, yeah, dude. Let's play a song together.

You're like talking in the bathroom, don't you? Exactly. That, you know that guy was talking in the bathroom. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Hands on hips, too, I think. one of those guys. Big power stands. Yeah, there you go. Full erection, pissing.

That's Robert Loci. This is also a great. Big has like one of the all-time best movie apartments. I've always loved the apartment. It is decorated by a child, so it's like kind of fun. See also the house in Problem Child 2. Yes. Blank check.

Blank check with a cool cool house. Yeah, but big, cool apartment there and some dubious sexual activity. as well. Absolutely. Quite a bit. All right.

We're coming up at a quarter to the hour here, so we still got a little bit to go. Chris Cabin, I believe now. This is you? This is a E-Dog. Oh, Eric Siska, yes. Have it right here. Let's see. Oh, no, no.

How to Open PDF. A winner is. Two for number two. Hi, guys. I'm happy to bring you not one, but two caca-poopoo stories. Uh-oh. From a movie theater. Double a-oh.

I met my future wife working together at a beautiful movie theater years ago in southwestern Pennsylvania. Hell yeah. One of these tales of crap comes from her. Nice. I hope she like told, like you both signed off on this together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As a couple. As you probably know, theater ushers were blessed with more cleaning duties than expected, such as vomit, spattered birthday rooms.

And we didn't have birthday rooms, thank Christ. Oh boy, could you imagine that? The smell in there? No. And icy spills all over the Daytona USA games. Okay. Car racing arcade game. The worst being bathroom cleaning.

One faithful shift, my wife was cleaning the women's bathroom, spraying the sink down with that suspiciously toxic red cleaning agent. There was someone using a, a stall at the time. She paid it no mind until suddenly the stall door slammed open against the wall. My wife spins around to see this middle-aged lady bolt out of the stall and out of the bathroom like a cat on fire. Oh, shit, dude. My wife goes to the stall and looks expecting drug paraphernalia or a miscarriage or something.

Yikes. Holy crow. Good Lord. Got dark. Some days I clean up the miscarriage. Some days I clean up the vomit. Or something. similarly upsetting.

Instead, she sees what she calls a perfect U-shaped turd. I love how she's appreciating it. No. Perfectly rounding the circumference of the toilet seat. What? Not a nugget in the actual bowl. And she started to wonder, then burst into laughter. How did this woman arrange her movement so strategically?

Yes. Like she was icing a cake. How did she do this? Or did she like pick it up and place it? Might have gloves. Yeah, she might have had the clubs in the purse and just brings them out to make sure it's... You perfectly choreographed fucking animal. That is unbelievable.

My wife's not one for touching turds at $7 an hour. Well, what do you pay her then for your... So she ended up having the manager cleaning. That's what they're making the big bucks for. Yes. Yeah. Cocker story number two. I witnessed

The manager did it That's shocking Every job that I've ever had It was my job But people are always Shitting outside of the toilet I don't know why this is It happens at every service job

I've ever had Someone has shit outside Like to the left of the toilet So you've been You've cleaned a lot of caca poopoo I've cleaned once And then there was at least The second time I would have

There was someone junior to me That I like you gotta do that pal That's your I always I always passed it off and if I couldn't, I would do the old, there's a garbage bag over it. Oh, nice. Leave it for the late night cleaning staff, dude.

Oh, God. I'm not getting paid enough to touch puke, piss, vomit, just put a bag over it. Mm-hmm. It's fair. Story number two. Put a bag over me, man. Pack a story number two.

I witnessed this one. We had, uh, we had this regular at the theater who would call, we would call the Phantom. Oh, we had one of these. We had one of these. was this tall old man who would come in early for his first show then hang around all day walking from theater to theater watching parts of other movies.

Son of a bitch. Yeah, it sounds like a great. This is my retirement plan, by the way. The phantom was extremely slow and had no stealth about theater hopping. So mostly ushers paid him no mind. Who wants to kick an old grumpy, old grumpy? Oh my God. People are using it.

It's kicking. It's kicking off. I kind of stopped using Grampy. I should bring it back. Who wants to kick out an old Grampy from Osmosis Jones? Who knows what lurks in the middle of Osmosis Jones? The Phantom knows. And just thinking about like you're an older man, you only have so much time left,

you're spending it in watching half of Osmosis Jones. Just a really big fan of Chris Rock. I just think he's got some chops. We called him Phantom because he walked so slow that, it looked like he was floating. Jesus. Usually smelled like death. Yeah.

So one day he floats his way into the main lobby bathroom and doesn't leave for a while. Like my wife before me, I was the usher to clean the bathrooms this day. Oh, boy. I walked into the heavy air that smelled like rotting chicken carcass. Oh, man. Man, you guys ever have a, you smell a dump so bad, you just have to leave? I had to do that at the Newark Airport recently. old guy was pushing out like this pure musk of a shit.

And I just, it was like, you could taste it. Yeah. That's always at the airport and at the Lincoln Square men's room. Oh, God. Speaking about musk, though, really quickly, we need to, we all, I don't know if, and this is a public service announcement. Sure. It's over for ax body spray.

It's been over for a long time. I went into a public bathroom the other day. And just because some dude happened to be there before, I didn't even see anybody. But I just got knocked. I would rather a nasty shit. I honestly would. Is that your cologne? You'd take a turn.

You're like, s, tr, rub it over my neck. No. I agree, Steve. I got rocked by some dude. I was literally just behind the dude on the sidewalk. And I stopped.

I crossed the street. It was awful. It makes my throat hurt to be around it. And that's not what you should have for an enticing scent. No. Leave a little mystery, you know, like, oh, who is that?

Oh, that's, you know, a little something. So we're in the bathroom that smells like rotting chicken. Right. Nothing on the floors, nothing in the toilets. The smell was coming from the sink. Oh, no. There was about of a gallon. There was about a gallon of human-made chocolate moose clogging the sink.

How are you? You're this old. You got the wherewithal to throw your ass up on the sink. Maybe it was one of those. Tall guy. So there you go. Big tall guy. Yeah.

Maybe there's also like the, they have the lower sinks for like if someone's in a wheelchair. And that's what it's for to shit it. Yeah, you're right. For ambition. This might be a good life hack. I mean, I like a nice tall toilet. No, it's not. It's not a life hack.

Put it on the bucket list there. Maybe. There was about a gallon of, oh wait, I already said that. It blew my mind before grossing me out. We closed the bathroom for the rest of the day so a plumber could come. clog and cleaning the mess. Oh, fuck. $7 an hour.

No way in hell was I cleaning it. The internal investigation. Wait, what? Concluded that the phantom must be wearing a colostomy back. Colostomy bag. There it is. My doctors here. And decided to empty it out in the sink.

Case closed. I don't think I ever saw the phantom again after that day. never forgot that smell. I don't have a follow-up question for you guys. You ask for caca. So there you go. Incredible. Unfortunately, they ended up closing and tearing down that theater

and sold the property for a strip mall where some say the phantom still haunts the raising pain. Take care and keep hating movies. Blake O from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Thank you. That's amazing, Blake. Well, that's crazy. What happened to,

Blake's theater is the exact same thing that happened to ours. Oh, is it a Raising Cains now? No, but it was turning to a strip mall. Also, Raising Cain is some of the most overrated fucking chinketenders you can have in your life. Yeah. No, thank you. Movie theaters are just gone now. Like, when I moved to where I am now,

there were there were three theaters within like 10 minutes of me. Now there's one. Well, it's better to have empty apartments, I think, and empty houses, empty buildings. Just empty stuff, you know. I agree. It makes makes me feel good.

We got a... Look at this guys in the chat here. Look at this. Spreading Grampy around. Ooh. Thank you, sir. Appreciate that. Hell yeah.

I have started using Grampi more since you started using Newark. Just it's seeped in. I feel like I've stopped recently because, you know, you can't, you do like a comedy routine. You can't do it forever, but... Is that right?

Maybe it's time to bring it back and do it forever. what that's the thing is it transcended from just being a bit to like it's just that's the word it just sounds right it sounds good it does i like it yeah i do like the idea of internal investigation though who could have possibly poop could have been the pooper that went in there very obviously we had a dude uh at the art house that we called poop ghost because he was an old dude that would go he would go to like later shows though

and you would sometimes forget that he was there when you were closing the theater like he would go and just shit and shit and it was like it was gnarly and that dude he would leave a trait we called it the ghost because like you would smell that dude shit like long after he was gone it was rancu

man I didn't think about it but this might this might be a society thing because I did have my cousin's best friend who was her maid of honor she would not allow her husband to shit in the house what like the house she was like it was too small and he took these massive horrible sheds and like would never be able to they tried spray they tried like

what's this the the air freshener like the purifier things they try yeah everything and every time the fucking would just fill with like smell like shit sounds like that guy's got to go to the doctor yeah and also i don't get divorced honestly i got a shit in my house lady i hate to break it to you this is what did do you have to drive to a gas station was there an outhouse in the backyard well that's he was he was in the city so he would go to the Starbucks that was up no he was not in that way i know it's it's so hard to find a bathroom in this city in any city times and then the one that's available to someone, the Starbucks, the precious

Starbucks bathroom. All Starbucks is good for is the bathroom. What is that? What is... This guy's in there taking his monster shit? I don't think so. What is a home, if not a place where you can hang your hat and take a massive dump? Yeah. And just know that you're okay.

Know that you're safe. You're right. You're loved. There's a grampy's not going to talk to you, you know? Exactly. Zach. You can just take a big old monster dump on, in safety of your own home. Yeah.

Who was this, Chris? Who is this? You know? This is my cousins, her best friends, their marriage. Her cousin's best, my cousin's best friend's marriage.

But are they divorced now? They are not. They're together. What? I want you to come back with updates for our next mail. Okay, I'll text her right now. This guy, this guy right now today, February the 12th,

2026, this guy right now has to shit at a Starbucks still. Well, I don't know. That's what he's doing still, yes. Get divorced. Divorce this woman. This is insane. She's the most insane thing.

Could be a long-term sexual game possibly. You know what I mean? Mistress, can I shit in the house today? No, go to the Starbucks, et cetera. Oh. Maybe. All kinds of things make marriages work, so I didn't want to tread into whatever this was snapping.

But I heard it and was disgusted. And immediately was like, and she suggested, like, the way she said it made it think, like, oh, that's something that like her friends do. Like she was like, oh yeah, I tell him to get out of the house with it. I'm like, what? Like a dog. Get out of the house with it like a dog. No.

Yes. I am so incensed right now. I can't even. That is so fucking. It's so fucked up. I am so incensed. I cannot wait to go to Los Angeles next Sunday to talk about our big code and our big broken arrow show.

And then just a few short weeks later we will be in Chicago on the, 20th in Minneapolis. In Minneapolis, in the 20th. I'm beef at this one. Talking Conan the Barbarian and then on the 22nd of March we will be in Chicago talking about big there we go. Taking a big old shit

in a hotel which is my second favorite thing to do. Los Angeles, Minneapolis, Chicago, come out, support the show. It's one of the best ways you can support this show. This lets us keep doing this and I would hate to not do this. We love doing this. all information WHMpodcast.com

slash tour. That is right. So thank you all for the letters that were written, either read on the air or not. We didn't get to a bunch, but that's okay. We'll do another one of these at some point, sure. Just remember, actually,

we got a really good amount this time. So, guys, thank you. You guys really did a great job. Nice. Keep sending them in for index time. All right. Well, until that mailback gets open again, I've been Andrew Jupin.

Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. cabin. Have a good night, y'all. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.