We Hate Movies - S17 Ep884: Big (1988, Live in Chicago)

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

Recorded Live at the Den Theatre in Chicago, IL, 22 March, 2026“Way too much oral stuff in this movie!” - EricOn this week’s WHM Live episode, it’s our raucous show from Chicago where we were talking a blue streak about the beloved Tom Hanks comedy, Big! How eerie is the third act of this movie? Shouldn’t Susan have been a bit more creeped out by Josh’s apartment? Is there a more terrifying sight than Robert Loggia being nice to people? How great would it be to have a 1980’s Jon Lovitz as a coworker? Couldn’t they have thrown more lines to James Eckhouse? What would it be like watching the gut-wrenching, Lars von Trier-esque, family drama that Mercedes Ruehl and the rest of the Baskin family is going through? And did Hollywood decree there could only be one be-mulleted, red-headed, DSB actor at a time? PLUS: Should New Jersey give Jason Voorhees his own highway rest stop? Big stars Tom Hanks, Elizabeth Perkins, John Heard, Jared Rushton, David Moscow, Jon Lovitz, Mercedes Ruehl, James Eckhouse, Debra Jo Rupp, and Robert Loggia as Mr. MacMillan.Today’s episode is brought to you by Square! Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/whm! #squarepodBe sure to visit the WHM Merch shop over on Dashery and check out all the latest show-related designs you can slap on t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, stickers, whatever! Make your friends jealous by flaunting some WHM merch today!Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hey, y'all and welcome to this very special presentation of WHM Live. That's right. We have one more live episode now, just to give you the rundown of what was going on here. Last week was when we were supposed to air this episode, but we had the great opportunity to talk with John Francis Daly and Jonathan Goldstein about Midnight Run and their new movie May Day. So we had to sort of juggle some things around. So we do have one more live episode that we were going to drop last week, like I said. but it's dropping this week.

It is our live show from earlier this year in Chicago. We were talking about Big at the Den Theater. It was so much fun. We love playing Chicago. Really great time out there. The show was great. The room was great. The theater was great.

We never have a dull moment when we go to the Windy City. So this is that show. So I just wanted to pop on really quick here, let you know the deal. If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, of course, which is now September the 8th. just a couple days for now, September the 10th, this month's Melrode 210 is dropping. A lot of wackiness on that one, as always, with our SoCal Utes. So you're going to want to catch that.

And also, if you missed it last week, on top of the Midnight Run episode, we also did drop September's We Love Movies, Patreon episode that is about the guest, one of the best most kick-ass movies of the last 20 years, an actual official cult classic. and we were raving all about it. Raving all about that movie, The Guess. So check that out. This right now, big live in Chicago. And because after this episode, the show's just going to end.

I won't be back. Nobody will be back. I will just say that next week's episode is finally the season 17 Redux episode. That's right. If you all will recall, hell froze over. And I won the VHS trailer game last season. So I got to pick a Redux. I wanted to pick one.

that I think when we originally did the episode on it, I was way too harsh on the movie, and I've come to love it over these last 16 years. So yes, Halloween 3. Hell yeah, that is going to be the Redux episode coming next week. And also that will be where I reveal to the guys the cameo appearance that I purchased with the old WHM Slush Fund. So yes, Halloween 3 Redux, coming at you next week.

You're not going to want to miss that guy. just hey as an update because I'm looking at the calendar. Why not? That day when Halloween 3 comes out, which is the 15th of September, be sure to check in with us on Patreon that night. 8 p.m. We will be going live for this month's edition of WHM after dark, our AMA-style chat show where supporters can get in there and ask us questions. We vibe and vibe.

It's a lot of fun. So that is also happening next week, along with Halloween 3 Redux. Okay, I have blabbed long enough. Let's fly out to the windy city. This is us from the Den Theater. or talking big enjoy it's pretty extraordinary Tom Hanks in big he'll never forget you'll never forget I never forgive it'll be the last thought on your deathband Tom Hanks in big gargling a cherry

oh no Chicago what is happening oh my god shimmy shimmy kokoop to all of you yes and a shimmy shimmy kokoabop to you sir And a trisket biscuits? A trisket is a biscuit? Something to that thing. I guess. Technically, right?

Was that one end of y'all did as children? No. No? No. Because it's dumb and embarrassing. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. That's the idea here.

Really quickly, you know, it's been a while, like I said, I think it's been five years or so since we've been here, maybe, something like that. So it might be some new folks in the crowd. We'll go around the horn here right down the line. My name is Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Steven Seda.

We are, we ate movies from New York City. Thank you all. But how many y'all are familiar with the show? We run on the internet. And if you're not familiar with the film Big, it's a movie in where a 13-year-old boy takes an older lover. That is the film.

Yes, that's true. I think that if you rent this in France, like that's... Unlike the France rental portal, that's how they describe it, maybe. I think when he wishes to be big, he should just get very fat. Oh, okay.

Okay. Right. Because big, you didn't say, make me older. No, I wish I was big. Tall. Big, like. That's like, I want to be fucking enormous. A John Candy movie?

No, no, no. They wanted a John Goodman movie, though. He was supposed to be before Tom Hanks came on. So that would have been like a, holy shit. I like the idea of John Goodman and like Under Rouge being like, not like this! Not like this! You know, I see that guy at BVDs in the movie.

No, you do not. No, no, no, no, no. Mercedes rule wakes up and just Whom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, no. John Goombeen just crashes through the floor all the way down. Who are some of the other people, though?

Because he's just like one of many. Gary Busey? Gary Bucie was to beat Josh Baskett? Yes. I don't know about it. I have your son, ma. I'm your son, you know. Look at my honey. Look at my hiding here. Oh, you're called the FBI got it.

They made my teeth big. I want to be any toy that you're rubber lozia. Get away from me. Get the hell away from me. Jeff Bridges was on, which kind of makes sense because the Starman thing, like I can see the innocent thing.

But the funniest thing is on the Wikipedia page, they go through all of those people who were, like, thought of. And at the end, it says John Travolta wanted it, but they said no. Yeah, so what's going on with Big? Is it a, uh, they cast that in, or what? It looks like we're circling around a couple people.

Yeah, okay, I'll call back next week then. Looks like. This would be interesting. How many of you have never seen this movie before, but you're attending anyway? Excellent. Okay, good. What is the box office?

We got one lady right here. Oh, wow. We didn't mean to ouchy or anything, but we just want to say in advance, like, when it gets really disgusting, it's all, it's stuff from the movie. It's all gross because the movie's gross at its core, you see. To be fair, it's not going to all be from the movie.

movie. Because that, you know, the launch. That's the genesis of it. That is the genesis of it. So we start this movie, like you want, he's playing a little shitty command prompt video games and wizards and shit kind of deal. He's stuck in a hawth ice cave, I think, is the idea.

Right. Surrounded by carcasses of ice dwarves. Yeah. Oh, that's a little story that's told in the thing. He looks bored as shit playing. Of course you would be. It's just like, I don't know, fucking melt the wizard. I don't know. Would it be like kind of beneficial? for the character if he was a dude that made his own stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Right. And it's like, I can make better games than wizards and shit. Well, he's just a poor 12-year-old just trying to get through life at this point. Mercedes Rule is running this house ragged. I don't know. I do love this little kid that they got to play young Josh has this like Staten Island dump New York access. He's supposed to live in Jersey, so that's acceptable. But then when he just turns into Tom Hanks and it's like youthful Fossey Bear. I think like, oh, hey! Zoltar was like, I'm gonna help you out a little bit.

Yeah, I'm gonna give you a vocal court scraping there and get that trash accent out of you. Well, the big thing was, of all the people that was considered, De Niro was set to star in this movie and then dropped out. As Robert Loja? No, no, as Basque. He was gonna be like... Oh, man.

Why did you make me fucking big? I didn't want to be fucking big. Look, would you make me fucking... I fucked it. Yes, I did. I fucked it. I didn't feel that. Sorry. I did do that.

I think there was a note that they would have made the location more urban. Uh-huh, yeah, exactly. Well, it's like, you know, it would be like, take that Zoltar and he's like kicking some kid in the stomach, you know. It's been long enough

that you could say this about child actors. They're adults now. Disgusting shit boys. Oh, wow. He's a DSB par X-LOS. Jared Rushton, who plays his friend Billy Capecki, is a disgusting shit boy supreme, which is a disgusting

shit boy with sour cream. Sour cream, hold the tomatoes. Yes, we can't. It's like a bit of cheddar. Yeah, the kid is the younger brother from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. So you already had a taste of this kid being annoying. Or was this after? Which way...

I don't remember that. It might be a little laughing. Honey I Shrunk, I think, came after. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So this establishes him as like the nerdy, gross friend that's always hanging around at your house. This kid's probably coming in the house, not knocking one of those friends. Yeah. Every one of those piece of neighborhood friends.

With their dirty, grubby little hands. Putting boogers everywhere? My father had no tolerance for it. The neighborhood kid tried that one time at our house once and never again. Walking in without knocking? I don't think so. Never again. They never found that kid again.

That's right. Dude, we lived right by the highway. Never seen again. When you're welcomed with a pistol at your head, yeah, of course you would turn right around and say goodbye. Jeffres, he turned around. Had this career and then the kid who played, Danny Cooksy who played Budneck.

was just like, thank you. Because Budnick snatched Terminator 2 Judgment Day right out of that kid's hands and you've never seen again. The red hair, oh, there's only one, there's only room in Hollywood, thankfully, for one red-headed mulleted kid. At a time.

With a rude, crude attitude. Exactly. Budnick had a superior mullet. I mean, it was a killer, if you remember T-2. This guy, it's a little too cropped up there. It's kind of a business. It's a little mini-guy.

I feel like you've had a couple more weeks, maybe we would get there. But I mean, there's a reason why we say the Bud Nick Mullet. It's a very specific white trash garbage haircut. Gorgeous. Very majestic. We see them like being kids. They're playing stick ball together.

When we do hear the song to let you know that this is like a secret song that only kids know. And if you sing it to a kid, you get to take that kid wherever you want. It stems the rules. And it's just how that works, I suppose. So I'm out home trying to memorize the lyrics. Do you have to get the little secret handshake shit to you? Like, perfectly flawless?

Yeah, it's the whole kid and caboodle. I'd be a bad child kidnapper in this universe. I got no rhythm for any of that stuff. Whole kid and caboodles. Sorry. Oh, kid and it's stupid. And we're very specific, the film of Penny Marshall, and Anne Spielberg apparently. And Stephen Spielberg?

And Steven Spielberg? Sister. Yeah, not and Stevenson. No. Ann? His sister, Spielberg. That is definitely how they sold it, though. Yeah, oh, definitely.

Oh, yeah. And Spielberg. Did you say, N? Yes, I did. Yeah, Spielberg's involved. I'm not lying. They're writing it. But they very specifically set them as, like, 12, 13.

There must have been a lot of meetings about, like, how young we want to go. Because early on, I believe Jared Brush, it's like, if you look down a shirt, you can cheer your flowers. So they're, like, pre-sexual, sort of sexual, which allows the later film to make some sense. Flowers. Oh, that's a stretch. You can look down and see her Georgia O'Keefe painting?

Yes. She's a dirty thief. She got him all. So, you know, he's got an annoying home life. He's got a little sister. There's a bunch of deleted scenes and stuff that we accidentally watched some of, like an extended cut,

where you get to see like this shitty friend's awful home life and it's really sad. It's just kind of like, you know, they have this like, Bye, it's great playing outside. See you tomorrow. And, like, Josh goes and has his life. And this other kid lives in a John Cassavetti's film. This mother is just... You're so fucking angry.

This family doesn't help out with nothing. Take out the trash, you piece of shit. It makes sense. This kids fucking off to New York daily. So, yeah. You wish that was a butt in a mulling. You fucking lose a child of mine. Finally, one of you left.

Oh, my God. Thank Jesus. He's the one that should get big, dude. escape. Yes. Or enact revenge on his family. Yeah, oh my God, the night he came home. Well, no, you did, uh, I wish my dad

had a heart attack. Zoltar's like, you got it. We're going to talk about that Zoltar machine. It's got glowing red eyes, it's unplugged, it belongs in the conjuring universe. Yes, exactly. It should be in the Ed of Lorain Museum at the end of it. Absolutely. Or you don't want to make a wish

on that there. That thing, that device right It's cursed as hell, turned you into a big adult. Lorraine, get the kids away from it. It's going to turn him into a big adult there. We don't need that. There was a rash of a bigginings in New Jersey. In the mid-80s. Dude, conjuring five of the biganings?

I don't believe in beginnings. Scully, there's been cases of beginnings all across the United States for centuries. And every one of them has ended with suicide. Grim. The Soul Star Machine's got to get your soul at the end. I don't care if you undo your wish. At the end of the movie, like, it should just show, like, cut to Robert Loz and just dying.

You know what I mean? Like, that was the price. Oh, Josh Baskin, you want to come back to being a child, do you? When it's going to cost you. And then it cuts to Loja like, DET! So then it's like the box. Yeah.

From X-Files hired to the box, which would be good. I like that. But he, Josh is like, his crush on this taller girl, Cynthia, I believe her name is. She's like supposed to be the hottest dream boat in the school.

That's what. And guess what? Guess what, Josh? She's available. That's like she broke up with her ex-boyfriend or something. This girl's on the market for 12 hours. And Derek moves in

and that's it, dude. Well, Derek can drive. Derek is... He's probably 30 years old. Yeah, I'm just hanging around this amusement park. Yes, I also drive. If you guys are northern New Jersey, that's what happens there. I manage an Arby's, and I got this nice car here.

Hey, babe, I didn't need to make a wish to be big. Let me tell you. By the way, that nice car you're talking about, Chris Kavan, is a convertible VW bug. Nice. Gorgeous. Not really that cool of a car. Well, I'm sorry. It's my taste.

We're not going to a 1960s fucking surf contest. We could. It works for Cynthia. Yeah. We're at like a county fair kind of a deal. It's the only time we see his dad for a second. This scene's deleted motherfucker. Yeah.

You have to see the scene where it's like, we're dealing with like this child kidnapping thing and the marriage falls apart. This guy gets kicked out the house maybe. Oh, man. No, I mean, that's, you don't want to, it's these extra scenes, it's like quicksand. Because if you struggle with what they give you,

you're more confused than you aren't just watching. watching the movie. I'm letting confused already. Because the dead is definitely in Arizona by the end of the movie. We should cut to him just like going to like these, you know, like 8 millimeter snuff film. Hardcore, like, where is my son? Oh, that's why he's there. Yeah, okay.

I wasn't following him. He's trying, tracking him down. He's doing his own investigating. It's another better CD movie. Gotcha. Maybe one stop shopping. I don't know the guy. Right.

But, you know, so like, You know, so like, and I say this as a short man, especially as a short kid, if you're about to go on a ride to impress some lady, you've got to keep your eyes out with that fog or layhorn. That is something you're clocking. Oh, I'm not clear on that. Oh, no way.

You don't want to... You never want... You must be this tall. Yes. You don't want to be surprised by that. That is something... Is this one in the movie shaped like fockhorn, black hole? It is.

Oh, okay. I had no idea what you were talking about. So when you were kids, Steve, did you like case the joint before you were? Absolutely. You got to do a quick walk around Like, oh, that's not going to happen. Did you ever get caught right at the moment of entry, though?

No, no, I did one time. Oh, really? I did one time. I was a kid at a friend's birthday party. We were trying to go on bumper cars, and it was like too short, motherfucker. And it was humiliating, and I just had to sit on a bench with my friend's very attractive mother.

Wow. But to have that thing, and it's a birthday party, too, so like 12 other kids walked right by me, like, fuck off shit, Ed. Yeah, you guys enjoy your bumper cars. having an awakening over here. You might be on the bumper cars, but I'm playing the motorboats. That's right.

No, we were not. I can spell cleavage now. So you got sexual revenge on your school base. No, I just sat there sad. Yeah, that sounds more like you. I wasn't doing nothing. That's what you should learn, like Steve, send Vinnie to see if the speed coaster has a foghorn, leghorn.

Exactly. If it does, then don't do it. The next summer I went back to get on them. bumper cars, I wasn't missing anything. You know why? Because they're fucking bumper cars. Also known as neck problems. But man, this is humiliating for Josh, right?

He's right about Cynthia's watching you guys. Cynthia. It's embarrassing. It's over when Derek shows up to begin with. She's like, oh, you're here. It's kind of a funny thing. He's like, yeah, I'm by myself. And his parents are like, gosh. And it's like, oh, that sucks. The mother snaps a photo of him online

with this girl. Is that the photo on the milk carton later? It's the most recent one. Yeah, exactly. It's a pretty timely photo thing. You can see he's heartbreaking in it. He's there, and I mean, he is hypnotized by Cynthia, so he doesn't see Derek being like, who's this kid?

Yeah, exactly. Thanks for saving my spot in line, chief. And then yeah, it's just like, and Cynthia's like, don't worry about it, Josh. It's like, yeah, that sucks. Don't worry about that, Josh. It happens to plenty of boys. It's fine. Oh, good. Yeah, that's friend zone and little brother.

Good. That's a good mixture right there. Excellent. He's dejected and then he finds a haunted relic on the boardwalk. It's dressed like a character Ben Kingsley would play in a little bit. That's what I'm doing here with Zoltar. Hey, gang, support for today's episode on Big comes from Square, the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. Whether you're gearing up for a busy season or just trying to keep up with everyday demand,

Square keeps your business running smoothly, from payments and POS to online orders, inventory, staff, and more, all in one place so you can focus on your customers, not your to-do list. Ready to grow or streamline how you run things? Square is offering listeners up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash W-H-M. Again, S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash W-H-M. Start with Square and build a setup that great. rose with your business. Now, folks, we're back to our regular production schedule around here at the old

WHMHQ, and that means we're back to hours upon hours of watching, recording, editing, and posting shows for you fine folks. And that means more caffeine is needed. I'm lucky in the sense that I have an incredibly solid, independent coffee shop right around the corner from my apartment. And now that I'm in need of that sweet, sweet, caffeinated nectar to get me through the workday, I'm back in full force. But as always, in a rush. And that's why I love these folks using Square at this coffee shop to check people out. Their point of sale interface is so easy and frankly, my eyes light up whenever I see the barista swing that's Square tablet around because I know I'm going to be able to add a tip and check out super fast, not having to worry about printing a receipt, signing something, figuring out

the total in my head, all things that can go disastrously wrong when I haven't had my coffee yet, by the way. Thanks to Square, I can be half awake buying coffee and not having to worry about an inconvenient or embarrassing checkout experience. Square helps you run your business more smoothly, bringing payments, operations, and insights together in one place, so you're ready for whatever's next. Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at Square.com slash go slash W-H-M. That's SQ-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash W-HM. Get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do. But the thing is, it's unplugged.

What? Yeah, dude, that's some R-L-S-Syne shit right here. You're not getting goosebumps right now. As a matter of fact. Yikes. And then once you know it too, so he makes the wish, right? Which is like get the corner to roll into his mouth with this guy's jaws on him. It's a little too wide.

Way too much oral stuff in this movie. But he gets it in. He wishes that he was big. And, you know, damage done goes home. We get the great, it's a dark and stormy night. The wind's kicking up so you know magic is on. on its way. That's right. The devil's at work, making you big. Well, this happens in that twilight zone with Mickey Rudy.

It was like, I don't want to be big like this. There was time now. That's Purchase Marit. Yeah, it's a bit different. But it's crazy. Just like wishing away like half of your life. Because he's about, you know, he's middle age now. That's, you're about dying. When it becomes Tom Hanks. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You're saying he's middle age.

Yep. 30 years old. Yep. That's an interesting point of view. I mean... Have you ever met someone died 60? I have. I have to. I mean, that's fair. I mean, but this kid has hell of ambition

to be coming here. Derek is already in the slot there, buddy. He's asking to be big, is he going to knock Derek out of the place when he becomes big? Because clearly Cynthia is the reason he wants to do. That's true. Hello, Cynthia. I'm six foot four now. Magic was involved. Young love, you know, you get fixiated on

that thing. Like, imagine if he was just stalking Cynthia the whole movie? Oh wow, yes. Very different film. Maybe not as many Academy Award nomination. Probably not. Which are still surprising as is, by the way. I screamed what earlier today?

Tom Hanks was nominated for Best Actor, which is crazy. Yeah, I forget what. Was it I forget what? Oh, it was Rain Man. It was... Austin Hoffman and Rain Man. And Hackwood was...

Another childlike wonder. Yeah. It was... This big year for them. Robert Loja won a Saturn Award for this. Whoa. Great. No, I'm not picking up my Saturn.

I'd rather forget that picture. What the hell is a Klingon. I don't want to know. I live on Earth. Earth. Do I get the card? A Saturn. Yeah, I want a car.

No money? Oh, fuck that. Absolutely not. And it was nominated for Best Original Screenplay as well, which was also kind of wild. That's the Spielberg connection, you know what I mean? It's got that name on it? Oh yeah, yeah, it gets in there. No, it will definitely beat a fish called Wanda. Why?

So he wakes up and he's Tom Hanks all of a sudden. He jumps off his bed like Godzilla, the fucking floor shakes. He's wearing this little kid underwear very unsettling. I guess he's like, we're showing in a minute that he's like burst out of all of his PJs. Yeah, but the BVDs are adult-sized underpants there. That needs to be shredded as well. I'm sorry. Because he doesn't realize he's big

until he looks in the mirror, which is very funny. You're right. When he jumps down off the bed, it should just be the full Lenny Kravitz, his spirit. I mean, it's just, it's the force that's gravity. He's just gonna slosh right out of there, right? Also, like, you would wake up, oh my god, my balls are on fire.

My balls are in the vice right now. What is all this hair doing down there? Hair where there wasn't hair before. No. Due to magic. Um. He does have a good, like, say.

Which is, I mean, like, that's, of course, what happened. I'd be doing that before he got out the bed. He said he didn't say everything needed to be big, did you, Josh? You are neither a grower nor a shower. Enjoy your micro penis. That was the price. Like, the wishmaster's a trick in some levels. Yeah, some dark evil magic.

Let's see what your new friends. Susan thinks about this. Yeah, Lorraine, that's how micro-penises are made through dark magic. I swear it was the magic. That last demon we fought, did a number on me. So he realizes what's going on

and his mom's kvetching for him to come downstairs so he grabs his father's clothes, a giant's jersey and some sweatpants and sort of bolts, and then kind of comes back, like he has a second thought, like maybe I will try to explain this to my mother. and goes back in, this lady pulls a fucking butcher knife on him,

rightfully so. You're doing your housework and all of a sudden Tom Hanks dressed as Bill Belichick is there. And you're just like, what the fuck? I need scissors, I need scissors for these sleeves now. Bill Belichick running to the Zoltar machine

to say younger. No, he's making the lady friend like taking her hand to do he doesn't want to be young. He needs her to be young. She's almost 26. No, you've got to do it, sweetie. You got to get in there. You got to put the quarter in or else it's not going to work the way I wanted to. Okay, if I say it for her,

will that work, Zoltar? Why aren't you talking? What's what I mean? Which one of us won seven Super Bowls? Okay, that's what I did. He's in the background when Tom Hanks does it videotaping it to make sure he knows how to do it. Dude, that's the big version of Deflate Gate, the fucking shit was unplugged

the whole time. Oh, wow. Yeah. Cheating. But again, the weird thing, she freaks out, she's like, what did you do with my son? And he's like, no, I gotta go. And he runs away. And like, the rest of this movie,

this woman is falling apart. You know what I mean? Like, oh, yeah. You need to figure out a way where, like, he writes her a letter like, Mom, I'm going to space camp, talk to you at a couple of weeks or whatever. Right.

Because again, like, the idea that she is, like, living through a kidnapping, he keeps, like, calling her, like, your son is fine. Don't worry about it. And then he does write a letter. Exactly. Yeah, he's good.

And then he writes a letter later that's just like, actually, you know, it's pretty nice here. And I kind of love my captors. I'll be back by Christmas. I don't know. I mean, maybe he hates his mother because this is a mental torture on another level. Yeah.

Yes, Mrs. Baskin, I am talking from a black phone. Why do you ask? Yeah, it's pretty fun here, Mom. I get to talk to other kids that are dad. on the platform. Oh, wait, Mom, hang on a second. The grabber wants to say something. I'm not supposed to go upstairs today, Mom.

No, yeah, my new best friend was born in 1943. Oh, he's ice skating for some reason now. Interesting. So he goes to the school to find his little buddy here, and I mean, we're just running right into, like, equipment room. There's no security at the school.

Runs right in, and it's like, oh hey little buddy I promise you it's me here's our dumb little rhyme we're gonna do together before he does it when the kid freaks out again grown man dressed like

Bill Belichick like I'm your friend and he's like screams like missed coach whatever this kid's calling for help an adult is nowhere near him it's actually awesome because the kid of course he's the little dufous kids

who's not good they're playing like basketball yeah yeah and he misses a really easy lay up and all the kids throw dodge balls at him and then even the gym teacher's like I'm getting the fucking showers. You pick up all the mess. You lock up, it's fine, little kid. I'm not the adult here.

Look, maybe if you were a little better out thereups, you wouldn't get kidnapped, okay? Just saying, last spring, when I told you had to do those sprints and you said, why, I'm never going to need to sprint, mm. And no, I'm not lacking the back door to the gym. No.

So he sings the song and sort of convinces, you know, that this is what we got to do. We got to figure. out how to get the machine so they go back to the park and that park burned down 30 years ago. The carnivals like moved on. There's all just tumbleweeds, etc. Garbage left behind underneath the George Washington Bridge. So Billy goes home and steals clothes and money from his dad.

His dad apparently dresses like Michael J. Fox at Back to the Future. This hat in the jacket. It's a hip dad, dude. It's a hip-looking dad who's not in this movie. You know, be a jazz musician. That'd be fun. Yeah, this hat. that he's wearing, you're totally right.

He's sneaking into the enchantment under the seed dance with a fucking walkie-talkie. That makes sense since his father got a race from existence. And they hop on a bus. Weirdly, we chose the one 80s family movie that doesn't take place in Chicago accidentally. The one.

You even said earlier tonight, you were like, I swear to God, I thought this was set in Chicago. Did you really? It would have to be, right? Everything's the Cubs and what have you. I think you were thinking of previous episode, vice versa. Ah, yes, that's a Chicago show.

Which is a magic-ish kid thing said here. Yeah, I don't think John Hughes had anything. He didn't even, he wasn't even a camera operator for this one, right? He didn't get anything. Nowhere near it. Okay. He was like, oh, what's happened at the end of the movie? Oh, I don't want any part of this.

No, no, thank you. So we go to Times Square. We take the bus right directly to the center of it all, man. That's where the magic happens. There's a lunatic screaming, I'm going to cut the bitch, I'm going to cut the bitch. just walking across this child's comedy. And it's about the same time

that our buddy Jason Borey's went to Manhattan. Yeah, it is. If he's walking by angrily and he just kicks little bootleg butt-knick right in the dick or something, that'd be awesome. Terrorize these children. What do you think Jason would wish for

to not drown in that lake? Would that be the move? Probably. Go back that far. Yeah. I just wish I didn't smell so bad. Or I wish I could talk. Explain myself. I wish I could have my mom back.

Yeah. The original murderer. Get her back. I'm tired of doing this. Right. He gets to be undead. Why not mom? I just wish my knife

was a little bigger, honestly. Everything else about my life is just the way I want to. Smell, skin condition, it's all gravy. Well, I've killed my quota going back into the lake now. He's the best New Jersey character,

probably, right? Yeah, exactly. New Jersey. to Jason Gordi. Oh, definitely. It's kind of surprised. Tony Sopan. He doesn't have a rest stop named after.

No. No. No. Should? Arguably one of the most famous New Jerseyans. You're totally right. Actually, if you went to the Jason Vorey's restop, though, maybe the, you know. Yeah.

You're not going to want to get out of the car. You're always looking around your shoulder. Maybe like at Halloween, there's a fun little pop-up exhibit. Sure. You know, that's fun. Here's one of the masks. We got it. So they set themselves up in a little shitty motel here.

The St. James. And the kid says, oh, it's okay, Josh, it's religious. Yeah. I feel like someone said that on the way to little St. James as well. Well, this is a big St. James. This is big St. James. It was religious for a lot of those guys, I'll tell you. But we're at the motel from Basketcase, the movie, of course.

Yeah, there's a man with his disgusting twin brother in a basket just next door. And this sleazy motel manager is just like, Oh, yeah, okay. You want a room here with that little boy? All right, right, right. Just don't. Listen, listen, just don't come back a taxi driver me, all right? I'm telling you right now, I didn't see nothing.

Nothing. I delete the security tapes every Sunday. Don't worry, brother. Good, good just tip when you're checking into a hotel of any kind, you know. And, of course, I'm not saying everything has to be a five-star affair. But if you go to check in and the dude says, that'll be a $10 deposit for the sheets

who may be consider me book a yeah that's the one time where I'd be like you know what Airbnb is the better option if you're leasing sheets

I don't remember saying I washed those sheets I was just offering you the sheets they're going you know it's a flop house deal you know

Billy's like listen I got to get back I'm going to go back to Port Authority by myself good luck You stay here and like Josh, I don't want to stay by myself. I don't know. Josh is the one that's afraid, but he's big.

Yes. So you've like encountered the gross guy at the desk. There's like fighting outside. Of course, you know, it's the 80s in New York. We've got to have gun noises all over the place. And so he's all fine with it. He's all fine with that. He closes the door.

It's totally fine. He hears a guy. Make a phone call in Spanish. And starts crying. Getting the news about the Super Bowl halftime show. This bitch is breaking... Young in here. No.

Because again, if it was the other thing, if it was like, I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna do there. But it's just a guy like, I mean, he's a little agitated speaking in Spanish. Well, you stayed at this fucking motel, he would be too. He's probably saying, get me out of here. He saw the state of the sheets. He's pissed off. I fucking paid $10 for stained the sheets.

This is ridiculous. And he's like, how far I've fallen, we... and weep. I guess, yeah, Bilal was a little quieter when he ate Ben Bonner. I guess that was a little different for basket case, of course.

There was like two people that were like getting the... Hell yeah. Hell yeah. And those people have been the horror convention. I'm gonna just say that. Bilal tattoos, sir?

What are we talking? You can admit it. Oh, Cyrus. Oh, there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yes. Perfect. There we go. Excellent. But, you know,

the next day, Billy comes back and we're just, we're going, like, the video game district in New York to find where there might be another Zaltar machine. I would imagine that's the one of one. Yeah, it truly was another time, though,

video game district of Manhattan? Oh, my God. Also, there seems to be a state bureau of video games that the Slater was working at. I think it's like they're looking for the permit for the traveling circus that will have the Zoltar machines.

The idea. I don't know if we have a department in video game might be a note to send to Mayor Mammondani. Yeah. Started right back up. Yeah. I'll be the video games are of New York. That sounds great.

That's a job I'm making up. I can see the New York Post headline already for when you're fired, game over. Well done, dude. I don't expect nothing less from that rain. But yeah, they go to this permanent office and the ladies says it's going to be five to six weeks, so that's how you know

that's what the movie length is going to be. It's going to be in New York. somehow for five to six weeks so the notion is we've got to find a job now so we go to a diner to look through the wadds and if the police haven't been called on this man with a small boy yet it would be probably around

here. This is insane either eating like ice cream and he's got all this vanilla ice cream on his face he grabs a cherry from his little friend there and starts doing like this really sexual thing with his mouth it looks disgusting I'm sorry it's not exactly

I can tie the stem with my Yeah. It wasn't that. But I'm trying to gross my friend out, but I'm sorry you're a grown man now. Yeah. And it looks weird. This dude like gets up from the lunch counter and immediately leaves this place. And you just imagine the guy's like, officer?

Have you could? Squiggly! The thing they find is, uh, because Josh, we've seen him once seen he's good at computers. There's a data entry thing for McMillan Toy Company. And in the 1980s, you understand, when there was a job opening. You just show up day off. Yep. You're saying, I'm here for the job.

And they're like, here's an application for the job. Sit down and you'll be seen shortly. Oh, you're hired immediately. Oh, what's that? A bogus Social Security number. Ah. This guy has to be like, you left some numbers off your Social Security number and he's like,

uh... 12. Okay, sure. That works for us. Also, if you match the description of a kidnapper, don't use the name of the kidnapped boy that is two towns of nightly news like have you seen this game?

Speaking of the New York Post yeah this dude has made headline Yes absolutely This face This face and this picture of Josh has been seen by the Bureau of Milk The New York Bureau of Milk of course Well yeah it's made Detective Hulahan

Yeah I don't know why Mrs. Baskin But it seems like he's taunting you by using your son's name to get this job I mean he calls her makes these threatening calls or like, not threatening, but like, oh, you know, your kid's going to be okay. Yeah. And he's calling from his job.

Yes. From the desk of Joshua Baskin. If the police star six line that phone number, assistant Deborah Joe Rupp is going to pick it up and go, Mr. Baskin's office. Why does the police not care? You never see them do anything. Nothing, dude.

But, you know, we've all heard some wild things overheard the office, but not someone, one cube over, like, listen, your son is gonna be fine. If you follow the rules, your son is going to be fine. Everyone's listening to this and it's totally normal but when he starts singing a song, then it's like, what the fuck is he doing? I understand grabbing a kid or whatever,

what the fuck are you singing for? Memories? Really? In the middle of an office. All right, man, whatever. All right, now I'm going to HR. Yeah. There is another great moment. Like, right before he, Billy is there, and they're like, oh, you know, beef up the resume,

yada, yada, yada. And the lady's like, oh, Mr. So-and-so, we'll see you now. And Billy is like, and she said, oh, your son will have to wait here. And Billy's like, I'm not his son. And I'm like, wait, what? They both, like, turn to each other at the same time and just go, ha, ha, ha.

No, no, you gotta, we just stay at a motel together. He rented me for the day, you see. I'm not his son, idiot. He just paid me to be here. No, mom. We're best. French. By the way, don't run that social security number. It's totally fake, please.

Credited as supervisor in this movie and one and done never seen again, James Eckhouse himself. Oh, yeah. That's right. James Eckhouse. Yes, Jim Walsh from 902.00. The king himself. Head of hair, like he wishes he still had now.

Beautiful bastard. It's kind of weird when you see an established person to have like a small role in something like, you figure you're going to be blessed to see James Eckhouse more. Nah, but he is replaced kind of with John Lovitz in the movie, which is nice. It's like the next seat over, next cubicle over a guy.

And he has a funny joke about like, oh, you know, the lady, she'll squeeze you so hard or something. And I do like to like, well, I'll stay away from her then. It's like, no way, Jack. They know how good that joke is because it's right in the middle of that trailer. They let it all, the stick. John Lovett's

stare is in the trailer. The whole movie's in that trailer. It's a lot of the movie. Oh, boy. But, you know, he's doing a good job. Yes, he does call his mother from the fucking, right at the desk there. Yeah, your son's doing okay. Your boy's going to be all right.

Stay, stay where you are. Your boy's going to be okay. No personal phone calls, please. Okay, and I need those reports by 5 p.m. Mr. Just let me wrap it up real quick. No, there's no blood. No, there's nothing like that. Yeah, there's no blood he's going to be fine.

I forgot a cover letter I needed to do, goodbye. It's Harry's birthday today. We're going to have cake in the hallway if you want to go. Ice cream, too, or what? No, no, no, he's, yeah, there's no cuts. No cuts on him whatsoever. No police, no police. I've got to go birthday party.

Birthday party, goodbye. Boy, the new guy's a real cut-up on the phone. So, yeah, he's all, you know, hyped up at work. and he's trying to run to make some photocopies or something, and he smacks right into, wouldn't you guess, Robert Loja, which, if ever there was a, what the fuck were you thinking, putting this dude in this movie?

Yes. It's Robert Lozier being cast in the film movie. And he's happy to be ran over by this guy. Well, that's what lets you know immediately this is a different look for Robert Loja. Yes, exactly. Any other movies, what the fuck, you're running a hole off hell out? He's not Scarface.

He's not really at that level. He's not, I don't think Tom Hanks is dealing with blow of that amount. And he's just like, oh, yes, someone's showing initiative running around the hallway. I love it. And I'm like, it's nice to see some hustle. Yeah, that's right. What do you think about that? John Hurd.

Yes, you have John Hurd and Elizabeth Perkins here as, like, John Hurd's antagonist, Susan Elizabeth Perkins, will be the love interest in a moment. That explains it to me totally, because if I had to deal with a month of John Hurd, and I'd be like, oh, this guy crashed into me, you're my new favorite person. Do you want to go to a toy store with me? I go every Saturday for some reason and no one's called the police yet. It's market research, you understand. I can't believe I finally found someone that wants to look at young boys playing games.

Just as high. Sir, what do you do here? My name is Jim Hasbro. That's right. I run Hasbro. That's a payday comes and he's got a whopping 187 bucks in his checks. He was going to run two FAA Schwartz that night, or that next day rather. and he bumps into him again while playing with a child at the store.

The question here is, where is the parent that's cool with this weirdo, gangly adult playing laser tag with their child in a store? Probably getting a drink around the corner, I imagine. Yeah, we'll be back at five. Have fun, sweetie. Have fun. Don't get kidnapped. Don't get kidnapped with that poor boy in New Jersey. Talk to you later. No, honey, you don't have to worry. No, they let them play with the toys there. They'll be fine.

Yeah, this is actually the old FAAO Schwartz that was in New York and now it's a fucking Apple store if you can even believe in. Can you believe that? Apple took something nice and turned it into Apple. Fantastic. And yes, he sees, Robert Loisius sees him play with some kid. He even says, yet again, he said, ah, is that your son? He's like, nope. And he's like, that's great.

Perfect. It means you don't have any kids. You can work later for me. Yes, exactly. It's good to know you're on the level with the level. Lifestyle. Wait, how do you know so much about kids? I just go to KB a lot, I guess. Kill boys, I go there too. No, no. Oh, no.

Favorite star. They help me get rid of the box. Anyway, I said too much. And it's fun because he's walking around and Tom Hanks, like, oh, you know what, I had this, the problem with this toy, it's not fun enough or whatever, you know, he's a little kid. He's complaining about, you know, like a tabletop hockey says. Yeah.

to move back and forth. That's spinning a line. He's like, this 30-year-old man is playing with toys. Excellent. I will create a new job for him. Toys are. The hockey game, Tom Hanks,

ends up with, like, I don't know why they change it like that. And Robert Loja, as if he's been thinking about this every day, it's like, I don't know either. I'm just thinking every day about hockey games.

That decision I made has been haunting me for years, you see. Well, this is a Reagan-era fantasy, right? The whole thing is he's like, uh, with A number one, white, that's two.

He's gonna be running the company by the end of the week. Falling ass backwards up the ladder, yeah, you're totally right. This was screened for Reagan in Camp David once, apparently. Oh, wow, mommy, there's a summer movie coming at as I can see. Mommy, am I big? He starts asking all his bodyguards, are you a boy? Are you a boy?

Mommy, we have to find out if there's any boys working for him. I think we have a cure to my dementia. The Zoltar machine. Brain work. I wish my brain work better. You just need like a split second of Robert Lozier being like, this guy is kind of weird.

Yes, yes. But he'll make me money so I tolerate it. He might have, the piano thing kind of interrupts where I feel like that would be happening. You know, actually, kind of reminds me of my son that died in Vietnam. Funny story, actually.

I sent him a toy in the mail And it went off, the Gizmos went off, and, well, Charlie killed his whole platoon. It's strange to her because my boy was also named Charlie. So that would be his backstory. Yeah, that was Robert Lozsche, just thinking into himself, making notes in the script. Got it, yeah.

That's how he played it? He's got a dead son who was killed in Vietnam, and he loves orange juice. Oh my God, this guy loves orange juice, too. me and my son used to play heart and soul on the piano and oh now we're playing heart and soul on the floor piano anyone ever used one of these at curiosity?

No Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a second. They exist, but it's not just movie magic? Was it like an exercise thing? I don't know where you would fucking put it first of all if you bought this thing. If you had a very large living room, it's a little rich boy, thank. It's not that big.

It's not that big. It's not that big. It's not bigger for the movie. Oh. Oh, bigger for the movie. right? So wait, the floor piano

went to Zoltar. Zoltar was like got it bigger extra. The head of Cassio just comes bigger. It's the charming

scene. It's the iconic scene. It's the iconic scene. But it's all so weird to watch Robert Lozier be this physically active in the thing. Like he was the guy

who was an old man he got fired on sopranos because he kept forgetting his lines and they were like you're just the dude who's setting up the DVD scam. And he got fire. And he's mostly

sitting down in Scarface. I think he also is sitting down when he gets eaten in innocent blood. I cannot say that for sure though. In Lost Highway, he beats someone up, right? That's true. Yeah. That's cool. Real physical. He's got the great line in Independence Day

when the assault is going on. And then he's got that great line in Independence Day resurgence where they propped him up with a stick, like a puppet. He just was like, I wish I was dead. It is fucking elder abuse that they put that You could have watched that movie and not a single soul would have been like, where's the Robert Loci?

Well, they wanted to be realistic to the United States hierarchy where it's the old weird chair. That's true. Tie down. No, I agree with you, General. I want them dead. No, I want to be dead. Yes, I want them to be dead. We want to kill the aliens.

They know, kill me. Alien second. Salt are dead, please. Poison me. I'll eat whatever you want. Just poison me tonight, please. And again, because this guy is a malevolent beast, is just not just like, oh, this guy's got some great ideas about toys,

I'm going to give him a cool toy testing job. No, you're the VP of being my friend now. It's a sweet gig if you can get it, man. It really is. This, of course, pisses off John Earn and Elizabeth Perkins. They've been passed over for this promotion. And yeah, vice president of product development. Sounds like a big deal thing.

And then his job is literally to play with toys and be like this one, good, this one bad. If you knock these two together, they have sexy time. Billy Capecchi is just walking in and out of this office the entire time. Not a single fucking visitor pass sticker on this kid.

How is he getting in here? I feel like Tom Xxie's like, no, he's not my son. He's just my friend. He's allowed to come in whenever he wants. Can you remember my rental boy here? No. This is the guy. Wow, that kid also has some great ideas. John Heard, you report to Bill.

Nick of Becky now. He also is a VP. Our corporation's great. Sweetheart, I can't be managed by a kid with a mullet like that. It's not even a full blood neck. You're fired. And you're fired. That should be the end of it is mostly

most of the office is like 10 year olds and 11 year olds. John Lovitz is just you got like a 15 year old running that area. Only at house stays. That's it. This is too weird for me, Jack. He just gets out of there. But he gets his own office, he gets his secretary, and Debra Joe Rupp.

Again, not really much of girl here, but she is great. Later in things, in this movie, she's relegated to, like, like, she just makes faces? I don't think she has even, like, maybe like one or two, like, yes, sir, yes, you know, right away, Mr. Baskin. But otherwise, she's just, like, frowning at this situation, and I feel like she gets it. She knows that this is fucking weird.

This little kid keeps coming in. That's, I mean, she's petrified of something. Clearly, they asked for a videotape of a Super Bowl, which, A, I don't think she can get that from a toy company. Maybe, who knows? But that's kind of it. Then she's like, please, yeah, I'll be right back with it. I swear.

He's like making her, I guess, edit VCR to VCR throughout the commercials. Because, yeah, he demands the commercials to be taken up, but then also get all that funny talking out. The announcer, mute the TV. Well, I mean, like, if you were a lower-level person at McMillan Toy Company, Mr. McMillan created a new job for this guy,

yesterday, like, you gotta stay the fuck out away from him. Get him whatever he wants. I guess so, yeah. But, you know, the kid, rightfully is like, that's your job? Suckers, which is totally true. He gets the big, big apartment here, right? Oh, yes, this is the big fancy penthouse. I think it's also where they lived in the film Ghost

a few years later. Okay. Same sort of, like, downtown Soho. Like, it's still, like, dangerous down there. The Ninja Turtles could be around. Absolutely. The Ninja Turtles. The Chud epidemic, which...

just a few years prior to this film. Same area of the city, those fuckers were farting around in. Yeah, John Nurt got a job at a toy company afterwards. Exactly. You watched his friend Daniel Stern blow up in a sewer, and then went and became a big toy story. Shredder, you left the Zoltar machine at the board log. We needed that to create more monster people. Oh my God, Zoltar. I don't know what fucking wish I had to make to look like this.

He's just bringing a rhino. I'm like, okay. Mutate. Come on to mute punk rockify it. Come on. He could use some sunglasses and a little camouflage jacket. Come on, Sultar. Make this rhinoceros also be a Vietnam...

The rhinoceros, the head of research and development. Quick question, because the turtles could also wish to be big and then they could be in their mid-30s. Did we ever get the turtles in their 30s? Like, in all the turtle lower... They're going to be dead by three. 30, but. No, do turtles. No, turtles live like long time. Not on pizza, my brother. That's true.

Eating nothing but pizza. Yeah, you're right. And soda, too. That's destroying all that. Oh my God, my heart disease is killing me. You'll notice Splinter doesn't really partake in that shit. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's that and the mutagen as well,

so I don't think that... That's true. They are radioactive monsters after all. That's true. The half-life on that shit can only be so much. True. the ooze. The ooze. But yeah, this big fancy penthouse

looking real nice. That whole, like, you don't need, like, proof of anything at all. You don't need any sort of financial guarantor. No background checks, references of any kind. Here's just some fucking money.

We'll take it. For how anything works. I'm sorry. No. Again, this movie's nominated for an Oscar for Best Directional of a screenplay. I don't think you can be nominated for an Oscar if there is a montage set to Huey Lewis. Like, I just think that that's not to be a rule

somewhere. Huey Lewis might have something to say about that. This explains away both American Psycho and Back to the Future. They're getting nominated. Yeah, they should have. There is this great moment where you see John and Her and Elizabeth Perkins having breakfast together at one of their cool apartments

and she puts some milk in the coffee and they do this very pointed like zoom in on the milk cart. You see this poor shit head's face right there. Where it does also say missing since whatever Joshua Baskin. Wow, would you look at this? This is probably dead kids got the same name as the new guy at work.

I guess it's probably nothing. And meanwhile, Tom Hanks that haven't fought on a fucking trampoline and his mother hasn't slept in weeks. All right, it's been weeks, but I've called. My, I mean, I mean, your son is okay. Oh, he's doing just fucking fine.

Meanwhile, the father is in Arizona. He's taking up a managerial position with McDonald's. He's doing just fine. I got to let her know that her son's going to be okay, and then I'm going to be home in a couple of weeks. Hey, Billy, can I cut your finger off? I figure I nail it to her. That way, she knows everything's going to be fine.

The proof is in the mail. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. Sure, go ahead, Josh. That'll really get him. Suckers. We should say there is a scene before he gets to the apartment where he humiliates John Hurd

in a meeting where John Hurd is sort of like giving some sales analysis about this new, and I think he's kind of right here, because I wouldn't want to play with this either. It's a empire, state building, shape, thing that turns into a robot. It's one of the shittiest ideas I've ever heard from it, as a matter of fact.

And Tom Hanks kind of says this much here, he's like, excuse me, I don't get it. I don't get why you think this is a thing children would want to play with. And the fun, you see this dude, like, the steam's coming out of his ears, it's a real douche, chill, everyone's asshole in this board meeting is just clenched right up and you just see Robert Loja.

Brilliant. Loja, you found another one. Look at him go. What's that? What do kids how to play with bugs? Yes, bugs. It seems like you accidentally invented Beast Wars actually.

What the fuck? You didn't tell me that was a copyrighted idea. We're ruined. We're ruined. But just imagine, you know, a lot of people are sure here are of corporate jobs. You're doing a big presentation. You work months on. And the new guy at work, who, again, new position,

I don't get it. Fuck you. You're fucking right, dude. Because there are ways to do that. If you were an adult, you'd know how to do it professionally. And excuse me, I just had a quick question. There you go. I don't get it.

You snot-nosed fuck. Why is it enormous? Why is it an action figure, a figure, is this huge fucking thing. Because it's a building, dude. It's a building transformer. Do you understand how kids play with things? No, you don't.

Tom Hayes clearly does. He's got the rental boy, right there. That's why he didn't get it. Josh knows how to play with boys. Matter of fact, he's home on the weekend, playing with a boy at a toy store. You could all learn a little thing

from my friend Josh here. He has a kid coming in three times a week. And he is not his son. John, you should find. On your own boy, maybe you're some perspective. John, heard, how do we expand this? Am I making an apartment box? I'm making a two-door box?

What am I doing here? Oh, the strip mall play set. That'd be fun. That'd be fun. Okay, dude. Hell yeah. Look, there's JC Penny transforming into a robot. You can play with economic decline.

Flip it this way, it's a mall. Flip it this way, it's a dirt mall. Flip it this way, it's a ghost ball. No, it's a law office. Now it's a Burger King. Now it's a vacant law. Oh, now the Caldor is empty. Oh, no.

Yeah, it transforms into a bunch of tanning salons. Smoke shops, as far as the eye can see. I don't get it. Oh, the big reception that's pointedly not a Christmas party. Yeah, it's like the September party. Sure. Mid-September swore. Oh, maybe it's homecoming.

Oh. Yeah, we just beat those Hasbro's at football, yeah. Josh, did you ask anyone to the dance? The work dance. The work dance. Sorry, Josh. You haven't been here six months here. You don't have a plus one to the work dance,

so your little friend's going to have to stay at home. I'll help you out on your corsage. You forgot to bring one for your lady friend here. Dude, he comes into this movie or in this scene in this like rhinestone, off-white, tuxedo? It looks like he's... Fucking, I'd wear it.

Oh, yeah. It looks like he's about to play music at a Spanish restaurant. Or be the third at Dumbend Dummer Soire. Yeah, that would work. And the whole room is laughed. The whole room is laughing at this

guy pointing as he comes down the stairs except Robert Lozier. It was once again like, ha-ho, this guy's a free thinker. Oh, yeah. And he just, he's just standing up. Everyone should be dressed like this. You look foolish, not him.

Why aren't all of you making me laugh? I see a sea of penguins and one North Star. I'm shocked people aren't trying to dress stupider and dumber around the office. Oh yeah, that would be great. The whole, like, office culture just devolves into childish nonsense. Come on, humiliate yourself for me. Come on.

That's Robert Lodzian putting the foreclose on that side. You get to John Lovitz doing some dancing here. And it's kind of the same dancing you know. You see Beavis and Butthead do, where like the ass is kind of down. So I'm going to get out here and do this. That's like Robert, it's John Lovitz now, you see, and he's kind of like,

hell you. Lovez has never been sex here in the next. Neither of you, by the way. See, wasn't it worth coming out tonight? I think he's taking Betty Spaghetti home. I think he's got her. I do also love that our life is, uh, now anytime I stand up, we get rapturism lots. Whoa, look at that.

They could move? These are still intact. It's like catching a fucking Aurora Boreale. So like that. But yeah, at this party, Elizabeth Perkins is humiliated by Robert Lozier. Because she's like, you know, I have this business idea. It's like, shut the fuck up. It's the dance.

And like, this is the party. I don't want to talk about it. ideas of any kind, nothing personal, but shut the fuck up. Unless Josh has one. If Josh has one, he'll listen right up. Well, his thing would be like, how about some more fun snacks at the reception? Because you see, he's got, I think this is in the trailer,

he's got the little baby corn, and he's eating it as if it's corn on the cob, like he's a fucking alien. And I was like, I don't know, you ever had, like, Chinese food before, man, you get those little fuck or something? That's not a thing kids do. Right? That's not like a thing that a child would do. I don't think so. It's a thing an alien would be.

It's a thing an alien would do. They don't know what fucking true it is. Yeah, exactly. Also, like, he has some beluga caviar at one point. He doesn't like the taste of it. So he spits it on the floor. Which turns Susan on. Yeah.

Oh, that's it. Well, she's like, all right, he spits. That's interesting. He's going to spit on it. Oh, that's good. But then what really cranks it up for her, though, you see, he takes a paper napole.

like a cocktail napkin and scrapes his tongue with it. And meanwhile across the room, Robert Lojas-ling down it, like, is there a position higher than vice president? I'm not gonna give him my job, but my god, this kid's going places. He's a genius. He doesn't care that he's getting particles of paper stuck all over his tongue from that cocktail napkin. All people should be spitting on the floor. Everyone just starts doing it, like, good job, John, man.

Good job, John. You're going to turn this office into a saloon. You're going to spit on the floor from now on. You're going to be vice president of being president of this company. I can see you now. The Varmatoyant Play sets. Except the decade of days arose. And there's this weird part about Elizabeth Perkins' character in the early

guns of the movie. And, you know, John Hurd explicitly says she's like, she sleeps around in the office. And like, in this scene, like, she's going after him because he's like the hot guy at the all. He's a rising star in the office. And then she, like, falls for his child with, like, weighs, and, you know, that thaws and all that stuff. It's just a weird look for the movie.

Yeah? Yes, it is. Well, he's just doing all this. They get into a limousine. They leave this party real quick. And he is acting like an asshole in this car. He's using the phone. He's playing with the radio.

They've got French fries from somewhere. She's trying to talk to him. He's like, I don't give shit. Like, I'm going to see. What does the windows do? Oh, it opens. the sunroops so we can step out. He does a ejector seat.

And it's very telling she doesn't step out of it with him. Yeah. She's not into it. But like in another movie where it's like, oh, we're all having fun. They both step out. She would realize it's fun to kind of let lose a little bit. No, no, no. She's just sitting in this limousine, windows up. Smoking.

She smokes in every single scene in this movie. And it's a weird thing too where it's like, yeah, we get it's the 80s. Office culture was different, but she's literally the only one smoking in this movie. in the boardroom, in the limo, at home. You gotta have at least a few other people light butts up in this office.

It's just weird. If you're the one that makes Robert Lojikoff, you should probably look at your smoking. But we go to his nice fancy apartment. We've not, like, had it established yet. We kind of saw it like in... In the moving phase. Yeah, but we've not seen the whole thing.

And this is the, you know, do you want to sleep over? I get to be on top. Ha ha. Ha ha. Oh. Oh, my. You see, it wasn't actually about porking.

Oh, I can. Her name was Perkins. Not Perkins, you see. That's not what I heard from the office, scuttlebutt. We get on the trampoline here. This is when she starts to really enjoy the playfulness. Which is so fucked up, because just so quick, like, again, just rules of the road, if you're out there and you're still dating and whatnot.

You go home with someone, you see. And right by the front door where, like, a coat rack, should be is like a human-size inflatable Godzilla. Go home. No amount of oral is that good. You know, you want a 69 at the bottom part of a bunk bed, whatever. I'm just saying this fucking weird. What's going on in this apartment?

It's just like a sea of red flags, okay? And it's even worse because he gets on the trampolines, like, oh, you never have made a trampoline, it's great. And then he sits down and like, jump for me. I would like you to jump. I'm into it. I would love to jump for you, like all your French girls. Higher.

Higher. Slams her head on the top. Oh, no. Well, no. Seriously, I was freaking out with this, right? First of all, no guardrails on this thing. And nowadays with trampolines, we have, like, nets around them and whatnot

so a dumb kid doesn't fall off and break his neck. We don't have any of that. And we're also next to these huge bay windows. The apartment building just bouncing on this thing inches away from death? He assumes that Michelangelo will save him if you fall in the way out. Oh no, Josh's friend fell out. Let's get her. I missed it.

I was busy picking up pizza and she fell. Quick wrath, help me hide the pocket. Golly, tragedy does seem to follow these beginnings across the years. His death's all around it. So after, I guess he's gotten his fill of watching her jump for him is the idea. Now it's Betty by time. Yeah. So you see, and this is kind of funny

because we're parodying, of course, like a sexy lady comes out in some lingerie. Like, let me go get comfortable, those kinds of scenes. So he goes to get comfortable. And again, if the inflatable Godzilla didn't do it, if the trampoline didn't do it, this motherfucker walks out in adult-sized child-print PJs? Time to go!

With the Godzilla and a few of these others, you might have been able to excuse them away as collectible. Or work research? Sure. Or did you steal this from the office? Right, yeah, exactly. Yeah, this work for two people. Elizabeth Perkinson big and Lisa Marie Presley. Those two.

Yes. Indy. You folks know your history. So she's like wearing a Jets jersey, I think, is the idea. And thankfully, at least for right now, nobody has sexual intercourse. Yes. Go to sleep and call it a day. And she's like, she finds this sweet and endearing, like, oh, he's not like some pig.

It's like, you know, she goes to a bit like happy kind of a deal, you know? Well, it's not John Hurd being like, I'm not, nobody's giving me enough money. Nobody's paying attention to me enough. This John Hurd character is a dude that fetches about work during intercourse. Yeah, definitely. Like, we're just doing it. She's like, can you fucking believe what Johnson was saying today? And she's like, this is another bad life decision.

I can't believe I don't have a better office while I'm in your orifice. In case like that, I might take. a 13-year-old in a man's body. I might do it. Honest with you. I was going to ask the booth to isolate that for him. Mark it in the envelope to FBI.

You search my files all you want, Feds. What took you so long? So he goes and plays squash with John Hurd here's this thing. Yeah. And it's like we get into a little scuffle, which is kind of fun, watching them sort of go out

it here. You do have a great, like, you don't see the dude. It's just like some ADR toss over. Wow, look at that asshole go! It's great like when they start inviting. And like he beats up Tom Hanks, which you kind of don't see. He's got a bloody nose. He goes to... I want to see it. Yeah, I want to see him get the shit out. I want to see his kid getting clocked right

in the face. I know it's Tom Hanks, but it's the kid underneath getting clocked. It'd be funny. Sure. And this is when Elizabeth Perkins breaks up with John Hurd. Like, this is fine, this is over, you know, taking weird shit out of my apartment kind of a deal. And why are we breaking up? Because he's a grown-up. Is everyone paying attention?

It's Josh's 13th birthday. Yay, finally a teenager. Now he can be a Ninja Turtle. And he can have sex with a 40-year-old lady. Yay! This birthday dinner, though... Insane. Here's the thing.

When I go out to eat, I just want food, some nice company conversation. I don't eat some old Italian guy, flipping dough around, throw it in my mouth. my mouth, like, show restaurants? Very weird. You have to feed

this guy? Like, you have to feed him raw dough? Yeah, like, they're not going to bring your pizza to the table until you get it in Giuseppe's pie hole. It's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, get it in there. Well, he knows good about it because he got the quarter in his Zoltar slot. Well, like some old Italian guy went to a

habachi restaurant. I was like, oh, you could do that. And the answer is, no, you can. No, you really, really... These people are loving it at the whole fucking restaurant. Well, the two there. are 13 year olds. You are a 40 year old. That might change it out. No, I'm saying the whole

restaurant is in. It's not just like their table. They're enthralled. It's another magical spell. Yeah, this is at Times Square for fucking sure. Oh God, yeah, they roll up in meatball, raw meatballs just their... Oh, God! After this dinner, they go outside

and Billy is like, you know what we should do since it's your birthday? We should get beer and dirty magazines together. Okay What'd you do on your 13th birthday? Got a bunch of beer And I read some porno mags

With my best friend And thankfully everyone In the script writing phase Producer phase He's got to leave that kid right now And he does Yep Bye bye

Because now he's too big You understand Yeah and he watched the real thing He goes to Elizabeth Perkins Place This is when they go out to the fair It's kind of a funny thing that's awkward, like she thinks he's going to make a move,

and then we just smash cut to fare. Yeah, and so they're at another amusement park now. This is Rye Playland, which is a real place up in New York area there. They'll call it Rite Playland, but it is the place that's still there to this day and go check it out. She gets mustard all over her face.

This sexy mustard situation. What the fuck? What are we doing? She's licking all this mustard off her own face, and then a few moments later, we're going to have a mustard makeout. Yeah. Mustout. Nah, never mind.

You know, if you could just scratch that all the same, you'll say, Mark, terrible joke, excellent. Also said to the FBI, why not? The envelope, just label it a worst portmanteau of all time. Well, if you're going in for the kiss and you smell that mustard, must out. Must the fuck out.

If you smell mustard, must out. Smokey the Bears says. But it is, like, they're eating hot dogs or something. She's just got a little bit, which I think is an intentional placement, right? Because he's like, oh, you got a little, and she's like, what, where, and does a, eh, just a little, that tongue comes out just a little bit,

like, I can't find it. If only someone can help me find this mustard, and he just dead-eye stares at her until she's like, whipe. Between that and then him with the milkshake, we have way too much, like, commemetry and they're far too much.

That's tough. They have, like, a nice, sweet dance here. very pointed he walks past the Zoltar machine. He doesn't understand it. Yeah, no, he's too busy falling in love. He doesn't even notice it. Just some guys like no hands up. What can you do to me, Joltar?

Hell! Do the wish now! Emily is dead. I just wanted some time alone. Wanted a weekend to myself. He didn't need to kill him. Bedbbing. So they kiss right here, and then that kiss transitions into them going back to her place, I believe. Sure. We're doing some more kissing here.

And I feel like at this point, the filmmakers know, like, it's about to get real fucking weird. Yeah. And they were like, all right, the most we can have right here is he gets to, like, second base, and that's it. And after that, it's just way too much. They have to be standing the entire time.

Everyone is clothed. And then they were like, all right, well, let's negotiate this a little bit. Maybe she takes her shirt off. Yeah. And they were like, because she takes her shirt off, so got a bra on, and, like,

Tom Hanks has this, like, lynchy and creepy horny face. Huh? Dude. Yep. For a split second, he looks like Willem Diffone Wild at Harking. It's like that fucked up face on the Massive Attack video? Yeah, yeah. Haunt your dreams forever face?

Because he's playing it, like, he should. Like, as a 13-year-old boy in a man's body, seeing a boomy, and he's... They're disturbing, but they fuck. They do. I mean, this has to be a Forrest Gump situation. Like, hand on the... Oh, oh!

Yeah. He would ejaculate prematurely, for sure. But so the next morning, so this is how the movie is going to telegraph it. Of course you cannot see anything, but he comes off that elevator. I'm walking on Sunday. Oh!

I got to feel good. He's giving high fives out. It's like very much underlying, we got laid. Adults, so now I don't like childish things as much. I want black coffee. Yes. He's black coffee.

He's eating salads for lunch. He's reading Robert Ludd. Ludlum books. He's doing all the adult shit, man. I could have went the whole movie without this kid losing his virginity. I'll be honest. Maybe that's almost gonna happen,

and then he finally tells her, and she's like, well, I can't have sex with you now. Just go back to your family. That's a movie. Thank you, Josh Bashkin. Thank you for helping me dodge that bullet. But she's not going to believe him. I mean, literally should just be like,

I just got out of something. Yeah, yeah. Take some time, you know, maybe, you know, They hold hands. They know you. Yeah, yeah. Stuff like that. That'd be nice, but no,

they're fucking. They're fucking. They're fucking. They're fucking. That's a coming of age story. Yes. You have a quick scene or like you see how well

he's sort of maturing. And also, the weird part about this dinner scene, though, is like, he might also be a good dad. Yes. Because they're at some dinner party being held by the guy who works at the library and Ghostbusters. Is she menstruating right now?

What's that got to do with it? That guy is, like, hosting this. dinner and the son comes out and he's like, oh, Dad, I'm having trouble with my algebra. And he's like, get the fuck away from here! This is a social gathering! No children allowed! I am trying to get drunk over here, you little shit.

I'm trying to forget what your mother looks like, god damn it. And then Tom Hanks has to be like, well, I do algebra, hey! And he goes and he's helping this. He's actually a nice scene. He's like helping the kid understand it really nicely and whatnot. And then like, the wife and Elizabeth Perkins kind of peer in, like, oh my God. Look how good he's being with Ricky and his algebra. I bet you he'd make a really good father.

Oh, you know what? I am divorcing my husband right now. What's that got to do with him? I mean, here's a question, though. What if she gets pregnant with this, like, monster magic baby? I heard some gasps. Sorry, I'm so glad I heard some gasps. As opposed to a, what's the different natural child that couldn't be?

Can I tell you, I caught something on the internet just today. Okay. Just looking up stuff about the show and whatnot. This sounds interesting. No, no, no. It's just a TikTok. It's something crazy. But it's the final sequence of the movie where she's watching him like walk away and whatnot. And it transforms back into a kid and then she's looking at her in the car. And it just cuts to a picture of a positive pregnancy test.

And then it cuts back to Elizabeth Perkins just staring again. And it's very funny. That's how you get me. Bilal from basket cakes. Right now. That is the equation. Zoltar, what did you do to me? Just take the baby to Zoltar, pussy, normal. So, Billy gets the thing in the mail, the thing from the

Department of whatever, the shit, Department of Carnies, GEROVANs. Oh, here we go. Permit information from Consumer Affairs. Look at you screen, fuckface, it says it right there. So he's like, oh boy, I can get my friend. back and gets on his skateboard back to New York. However this kid's commuting, I don't really know.

I mean, God bless Billy Capecki. He's the only one who's got his eyes on the prize this whole fucking He's not lost sight of the gold to get his friend back. He may be a shit boy, but he's got gold heart. So they have come up, Tom Hanks and Elizabeth Wreckons have come up with this great idea

for a new thing that the company can sell an electronic comic book which to me is something that in 1988 would probably cost more than $18 in the street. And it wouldn't work. It would not be popular at all, I don't think. It basically sounds like a digital choose-your-own-adventure is the idea.

And it's kind of great, because speaking of a movie with magic in it, like Robert Lowe's just like, well, how would this all possibly work? And then they just go, well, there's a microchip inside. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't read that spec. Of course it makes sense. There's a microchip in it. Micro processes.

But yeah, and basically they're working on this big presentation, and she's like, so, you know, where is this going kind of a thing? And like, again, I do think that this movie's flirting with interesting ideas of like, oh, this kid's not ready for like a real relationship. And he like hits her with a comic book and then she like hits him back. And I'm like, does she have like a female friend she could talk to about this? Yeah. There's Janice from work.

Exactly. Like an old sorority sister. that just moved to town. Who were the lady? The dinner party lady. Get her on the phone. She'd be fine. She'd have something.

She's getting divorced. So, yeah, I finally asked, you know, like, is this fair? Are we really seeing each other? And he hit me with a comic. I don't know what to do. I hit him back. I don't know.

He was laughing? I don't know what that means. He swats her, like, a dog getting in the trash. He gets ripped with this comic book. Oh, you're so ridiculous talking about emotion. And then in a stunning turn, that also works for her, and they fuck again.

First lady's... That's not that worked, my friend. So you see, it's an electronic comic book. Oh, this is working? Oh, my God. Well, how about it's just an electronic book? Will that do anything for her? How's that?

You're getting stirred up in here or what? Stirred up in here. At which point, for the record, with the FBI, Chris Cabin rubbed. belly. Just so in case anyone in the back didn't see what happened there. You'll only take me away and change, you sons of bitches.

Billy has a big, you know, his big moment here with Josh, he breaks into his office or brushes into his... He doesn't have to break any sashets right through the fucking floor. This kid's got all access. And he's basically like, listen, here you go, you dumb bastards. Here's the...

Where the big... where the Vazoltar machine is, and like, all he has to say is, like, I just got to, like, clue you in what's going on at home. Yesterday they found your mom at the grocery store at her nightgown drinking whiskey. Grabbing the kids have looked like here. Okay, so maybe you want to come back.

Oh, my God, I completely forgot this week. Hold on. Hello, Mrs. Baskin. Yeah, it's me, and he's okay. I'll send another finger to prove it. This is all in the answering machine while she's at the liquor store with a gun on her back. Uh-huh, sure. This is Baskin, I see you're not home right now.

And neither is your son. This is around when he goes back, though. This is like, you are playing with fire, buddy. Oh yeah. He goes back in a three-piece suit and trench coat and just like Michael Myers himself, just fucking staring across the street at his fucking childhood home. Oh, that's the Baskin House. The old Baskin House.

Well, that lets you know that there's... that there's no detective assigned in this case. Now this issue has gone cold in weeks. He's just walking around with impunity and he matches the description. Fucking, back to the scene of the crime. Right outside the house. And this dude's getting ready to look for a couple more

office assistants because he looks... And there's like two kids like playing in a pile of leaves and he's like, say. They'll look like fun. They'll do nicely. You know what? I've seen all this. I seen all this playing. here, I'm going to give up sex,

I'm going to give up having my own apartment, and I'm going to give up toys forever. Yes, I'll go back to being 13. Yeah. Hey, kids, do you want to work at a toy company? I see you're sharing now, huh? You got enough. You got enough. You got three.

So, he's having dinner with Susan. This is where he tries to tell her the truth here. You know they're yuppies at this point, because it's 1988. We're having sushi for dinner. Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. And he's not scraping it off his tongue, so he's growing up. Exactly.

He got late and now things are normal. But this is like, yeah, so here's the thing. I just want to talk to you about something. Kind of a big deal. And in her head, she's like, oh, my God, he's going to ask me to move in with him. And instead she gets, I'm a 13-year-old boy. Which, you know, she doesn't believe him, you know, but she does later. I'm like, I would never believe this.

No, never. Because dark magic can't exist. Well, boy, would your face be red by the end of the end of it? That's true. Yeah, you haven't been in the Zaltar cabinet where there's like a black orb glowing in the middle of it. Oh, it happens.

Josh, I reverse engineered the Zoltar machine and I found a portal to hell. What are you doing here? Disturbing the Cenobites from a... Oh, that's a fun little box. We could sell that. Oh, this vice is not for sale. Hold on. Ooh, Josh. No, hold on. So he's 13, but he's actually a man.

Are we allowed to incentivize him? Like, I'm just not... I feel a little uncomfortable. Personally, I feel a little uncomfortable. I can't tell if you do a pinheader. Lurier, I'm gonna be totally honest with it. It's two clearly different voices. A minute a second.

Robert Lurier. And pighton. with the bidded. I had to hear him in conversation. Once they were in concert with one another, that just beautifully sang him. They're turning me into a centobide. I'm going to be the Toy Master.

Oh, I throw matchbox cars at people. Hey, CD guy, what's up? They said the one of the set of my water cooler, I guess. Yeah, I'm new here. Let me ask you. You've been doing this for a while. You get used to the skin smell or what? Hey, slow down, man.

Don't embarrass us. You're taking way too many souls this week, man. You're making this look bad. As I butterball the centabyte. I'll take out of this fat man here. He's Bellybuster. But so, you know, he explains to her, and she's just like, I'm going to band.

Like, you know, you got the big presentation tomorrow, and he, like, plays his little video. game and again he realizes like yes this is what I should be doing which is kind of a hilarious idea in the 1980s are like well of course adults wouldn't be playing video games no those are for children you understand it doesn't happen too there's people that still think that now yeah we call them assholes and I mean he still can't beat this video game so I get it go back there you gotta do all these courses over but he's a real completist he's like oh shit I should turn back into a kid

I gotta finish that game I gotta do it dude I love this heartbreaking scene that it's a little cutaway. We go back to Jersey and little Billy hears something over the radio. Turns out it's just Josh's mom across the way and we do a little open window talking house to house kind of a deal. At no point

is this woman like, please tell me you've heard from him. Do you know where he is, please? I know the cops have already talked. Because like this kid hasn't been questioned in this movie and I feel like he's fucking suspect number one. Absolutely. We're not a suspect but at least like we want to talk to the best friends, see what's going on and hear that kind of a thing?

Well, Josh and Billy are in a Penny Marshall film. Mrs. Baskin is in a Lars-Rontrier film. Very different ideas. Right. I mean, the little sisters clearly with the grandparents at this point. Oh, yeah. She can't take care of that. That's one thing

too much to be dealing with right now. But this seat, it's so sad, and he's like, yeah, you know, I'm sure he'll be home soon. You got to keep hope alive and whatever. Well, I'm tired and this kid just closes the window on this grieving woman

Hey don't talk to my son you piece of shit you're gonna lose him too you fucking kidnapped your own son I know it I saw with that mask the black to grab him out what attention

that would also be a thing I think so Turd shows up at the office and this is where he's like I'm on a big person call it's very important to the other thing and he throws...

This kid does get a really nice fuck you in here. For such a tiny little child, impressive amount of heat on the fuck delivery, I have to say. Really nailed it. I don't know the cookies he could do it.

I don't think that could make that aware. No, no, no, that's one thing but Nick couldn't do. Fuck you, don't you lips. Fuck you, ugh. Fuck you T-1000. No, that's not worth it. Oh, don't be doing that.

Have you seen this boy? Fuck you, pig. That is it. But yeah, so he realizes that Billy is correct. He goes into the meeting, and this is the big electronic comic book meeting, which again, Lowe's just like, amazing! But in the middle of it, he is distracted and he just leaves the meeting, right? So it's like, well, John Hurd is doing the, I don't get it.

That's right. I don't get it. It's some sweet corporate revenge, I have to say. Not to be whatever, Josh, but like, you don't have to nuke Elizabeth Perkins' career on the way out, do you? Like, you can finish the meeting. Like the thing that's signed off, and you could even be like, it was all her idea,

and then you walk away. That's fair. Yeah. You can't just like, yeah, it's got to be like, it was all hers, I have diarrhea anyway. That's why I'm running out

of the meeting, by the way. She's like, I have diarrhea too and runs out as well. Well, is everybody here have diarrhea? Wasn't from the catering at the big fall dance, was it? You have diarrhea.

You have to go to Westchester County? Better toilets up there, dude. I guess that's true. Because, I mean, that is the, fail-sake. We've said this before over the years. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to get out of it and you're not really

good at improv, just remember, I have to take a shit. And no one is going to be like, no, you have to take a shit. Ah, goodbye. No, no, say. We're almost done, I promise. It doesn't even have to be diarrhea, folks. It could be just a shit. Just a good old solid shit. You get right out of there.

Good tip. Doesn't have to be diarrhea. Just remember that. It is a rich cornucopia, you're right. Hear that fence? You like that shit? Which corn of copia? Oh, you had corn in there, yeah. So we're back at Sea Point Park is what they call Rye Playland in this movie. He spies the Zoltar machine,

puts the corner in, knocks that shit right into that beautiful mouth of his. And right as the wish is made, she comes in and, you know, is like, oh, well, I'm so sorry. I didn't believe you when you told me you were a 13-year-old boy. How was I to know? How? And she's, and he's like, well, why don't you? He's like, you know, I have all these reasons to go back. But I'll say, the one reason is you.

I want to stay here. You know, why don't you wish to be a young child? That thing can do anything. And she's like, A, I want to keep my immortal soul. So I'm not making any deals with whatever that is. And B, I'm not going through high school again kind of a deal, right? Nobody wants to do that. I get that.

And then the wishmaster's like, damn. She would have totally done it too. This fucking. Close. God damn it. But, like, she has some line where she says, like, well, that explains it. She doesn't say what it is, but I have to believe that that it is referring

to his terrible sexual technical. Oh, I see. But she's experienced at least twice that we've seen in the film, so she needs... She's got a good idea of what's in his repertoire. Which is nothing. Yeah. He's just running around the bedroom a lot. It was really weird.

Bouncing on the bed, fucking two-pump chump loser. But he thinks he learns. and now he wants to go back and try it with Cynthia perhaps. Possibly. Eventually. Could you not bring the comic book into the bedroom and give me with it, please? Thank you. I'm not quite into that. It's called foreplay.

Could you remove the dinosaur pajama shirt before we go any farther, please? It's called for play. No, I don't know how to melt the wizard. I don't know how to do that. I'm sorry. I'm naked here, by the way. I'm sorry my wizard melted. I know.

You got me so excited by the wizard. No, it happens to every young man. Your wizard can melt. It doesn't mean anything about you as a person. Oh, no, no. Saddest, most pathetic line in the film, though. Just, you can, like... I for a second was like, is this in Smelovision?

Because the fucking desperation's coming right off the screen. He's like saying his goodbye. He's like, I'm about to go be a kid again. And she goes, well, I don't know. 10 years? Who knows? Why don't you keep my phone number? What the fuck are you talking about? What's the fuck to hit me with?

Who is 23? Anasaur P.Js. Oh, me, baby. Oh, yes, I'm still at Macmillan. Not the same role. I'm a little less, I'm running in the mailroom these days. Yeah, that's just... That electronic comic book was a terrible idea.

They pinned it all on me. Thanks for that, by the way. So getting... It's called Foreplay. I'm a pony. Uh... So he turns back to a child. He does.

He sure does. He sure does. And it's a nice artistic moment where, like, he waves, and, like, he just walks up the street, and, like, he turns around, and he's wearing the big clothes and whatever. Yeah, it looks like, you know, I'm going to steal this from Eric, but it looks like he's about to go do some David Byrne cosplay. And because you don't want to be answering any more questions about this,

the credits hit almost immediate. Yep, absolutely. He walks in the front door, we do not go into that house. No, the camera stays out in the street. It's like the movie pulled off a heist. Let's get the hell out of you. Guess it. We got to go.

We're not having an outro. Just keep the car running. We'll let him go in the house. The mother will say, Josh, excitedly. We're out of here. Yeah, you can kind of hear her start what will be,

I presume, two hours of straight screaming. Yeah, sure. But it's just a real quick, yeah, get the stupid music on. It's like fake Randy Newman as the credits come out. Oh, man.

It's just like the... That suit's going to a lab somewhere. They're going to trace it back. to that apartment just now abandoned, and then this other man has just disappeared, also using the name Josh Vasquez. Scully, have you ever heard the case of the toy executive? It's brutal.

That's the film big, everybody. It's the first time here. Amazing experience. It's a beautiful venue. Thank you all so much. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you all for coming out. So thank you all very much.

But before we wrap up, if you haven't seen this live before, you may not know, We'd like to close every show, with just checking in to see what the internet thinks about the movies that we're talking about. The best places to find writing somewhere between a fourth and seventh grade reading level. It really gets at the essence of the films we're trying to talk about. We've got to go no further than the IMDB user review section. So we got a few here for you.

Best to get right into it. 10 out of 10 stars. Subject line, awesome. Great. written by the B-Halls July the 30th, 2013. Instant classic. A must-see by everyone. Make sure your kids see this.

Tom Hanks is superb. Can't watch this enough. Great movie quotes. That's just the writing. Great movie. Quotes? Or great movie in quotes? Great movie, the word quotes. I see. I think they need to say like memorable dialogue. I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. A fantasy we all wish we could have lived when we were 10 years old.

I always wanted to torment my mother. I write this as a 45-year-old. Josh is in love with a girl who is older than him, so he wants to be older, or big as it were. You creative, son of a bitch. He makes a wish to be big, and his wish is granted. Great. This is awful. So many comedic events happen.

to a man with the maturity of a 10-year-old boy? Who wouldn't want to live that life even for a week or two? Running out of things to say, but I have to reach that 10-line minimum so it will post. I have to watch this movie. We got the minimum.

We made it. I was a little nervous. Slid right in there. Thank Christ you were able to post that. All right, here we go. Ten out of ten stars. Great little man movie. Penis.

A little man, I get it. Written by Big Al 23 July 14th in the year 2000. And I'm gonna read it like how I think this person sounds. Sure. That's alright with you guys. Yeah, totally. Let's go. Big's about a man being a boy and a boy being a man. It capsulates the basic tenant and secret of men. The third guy who's trying to kidnap the baby in Raising Arizona.

It qualifies the sort of person we all want a guts to be. I felt that it reflected very well the struggle was in oneself for mastery over the past in order to become part of the future. Wow. You could just wear a white tuxedo with glitter on it. You're allowed to do that. That's right. You don't need to catch out the internet about it. Also, there's a lot of therapists out there, brother. I'm gonna say this review, I don't get it.

He who hopefully never entirely grow up, it was refreshing. fan of the sort of society we have today, it probably sucked. Up next year. Yeah, she's about to get real, real. They'll be bitching about big anymore, man. There's all sorts of other stuff to be manly about coming around the corner.

He's not to take the trampoline out of my office. Thanks for nothing, Osama bin Laden. Isn't poor taste to be jumping on the trampoline during that? For respect for those that passed, Godzilla will be half-in played in today. It's respectful. It's respectful. It's fine.

Okay, we've got two more. One out of ten stars. Okay. One of the creepiest movies ever. There we go. ...by Melina K. 433, February 11th, 2026. Is Melina K here tonight?

Okay, just check it. The first half of the movie is funny, sweet, cute, and even makes you think. Then they had to ruin it by making this 12-year-old boy sleep with a 30-year-old woman. But I guess it's okay because he's in a 30-year-old's body? This is creepy, and it ruined the movie for me. During the scene in the end where he turns back into a boy and looks at the woman, my husband looked at me back, husband?

Appleton said, WTF, this is so creepy. They ruined the movie by focusing on a creepy romance, unacceptable, and sultan. garbage. And then her pearls fell off and she had to fucking push them. All right, here we go. Last one for the evening. I'm gonna wrap it up here. 10 out of 10 stars.

This one, I don't know what they're hiding here, but let's see what you all read into this. Subject line, it's wonderful. There are no kid sex issues here. Since we've got them, FBI, also 17th, 2021. Fuck you, get their ass cabin. their ass cabb. You know, just a...

Take a bite out of crime and grip. Look at that. I haven't seen this in a long time and it was on TV. Well, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

Now? I decided to look up the IMDB rating. It was great. And the reviews... There's just a period there. I love reading the reviews. Don't love writing so much

in a comprehensive way. Oh, Joan. All right. For a laugh, read the cat's movie reviews, by the way. Foundation, I like that. Babe, will you come to bed?

Nope, I'm just reading these Catern case doing there. John, I love you. You know I love you. When we talked about this, you keep watching the IMDB like that. I'm gone. Anyway, you talked about the kid sex aspect to it.

Now, I don't like using the P word, and she gets all caps here, as that has nothing to do with this film. Okay. I don't really said it did, madam, but, uh, Right? It's a boy in an adult's body and she doesn't know. I just love the idea. This lady's like a lawyer. She's defending Elizabeth Ferguson's on the stand. It sounds like a fantasy of hers. Yeah, yeah.

She teaches her to be better. Okay. It's lovely. Every kid slash adult, I'm still a kid and turning 50. Picking the shit up here. I'm a little. I'm a little. I'm a little. I'm still a kid in turning 50, but every kid adult should watch this film. Get over yourself. Yes. We've been Wii A movies from New York City.