We Hate Movies - S3 Ep111: Houseguest

Episode Date: May 21, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang spends a long weekend with Sinbad and Phil Hartman in the mistaken identity comedy, Houseguest! How the hell does this mix-up even get pulled off? How much McDonald's can Sindbad eat? And just how terrible of a father is Phil Hartman? Plus: a whole lot of Jeffrey Jones jokes. Like, a whole lot. Houseguest stars Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Kim Griest, Jeffrey Jones and Stan Shaw; directed by Randall Miller. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Siddak. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello, folks, welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Once again, just a reminder that new theme song brought to you by New York City's Hurrah, a bolt of light.

Check out their album, Hello, in iTunes, and hurrah, a bolt of light.com. This is the third week in our listener request month, and we took a call from a fella named Brian out in Washington, who had this to say. Hi, my name is Brian. I'm from Tacoma, Washington. I'm calling in with my suggestion for the listener of Buzz Month, and I would like to suggest a movie featuring the Black Jim Belushi.

Well, it's one of my favorites when I was younger. I rewatch it every couple years, and my choice is Housecats. There is just a lack of Sinbad on your show. You guys have been knocking Balushi and Kane and all those other people, but where sinbad has been just free from all of your uh all of your we hate movies we need sing bad on the show and you can never go wrong with the little department thanks guys i really appreciate everything you've done i love all the entertainment i love all the old episode thanks again uh house guest come on all right you got your way twist our arm will make fun of sinbad

1995's house guest There is some fire in the belly of that request There really is What an impassion For all those people out there Who are like Oh man My call didn't get picked this time

Here's a tip man Stop talking like droopy dog Just that's your friend I mean that would go That would take you a long way For a long way Because obviously you're not getting dates Off that right

So maybe we just want to cool it Job interview please No but what an impassioned plea And of course, we will do that for you. Oh, man, Sinbad. I love that he's just like, you know, like, come on, you do it all these other people. Why don't you do Sinbad? Like, I don't know.

I know two Sinbad movies. And the rest of it is him just yelling about how women shop. And don't forget, men be acting all like zombies at the mall. That too. I don't know if that's an actual thing in his act or if that's just a joke from family guy. But either way, it's a joke Sinbad would tell. The weird thing about this, Brian's hate for Sinbad, and I totally get it because all of these movies, you know, you just get a movie on tape as a kid and you watch it and you're just like, oh my God, everyone's watching this exact same moment. Everybody knows house guests as well as I do.

That's happened to me multiple times on this show, taking care of business. I was like, come on, guys, right? Taking care of business. Vampire in Brooklyn. I was like, come on, I mean, everybody seen vampire and vampire in Brooklyn? I mean, I hadn't seen Houseguyen. It's something that I kind of just purposely avoided. I knew what it was. I love Phil Hartman. And I was like, you know what? Unless, you know, 10 years from now, whatever, I grow up to host some sort of internet radio thing where I have to watch this movie. I'm never going to watch this movie. I actually saw this movie at like the second run theater back in my hometown. And I remember it so clearly seeing it because. this shitty dad i knew brought his son to this as his birthday oh no god and like he he tried he was like and this was you know obviously a teaching thing for me he was like you're going to sneak in candy

into the theater with me so he does this and the attendant at this second run theater caught him with the candy and they got into it for 15 minutes wow this was back when movie theaters were like giving a shit about that. All right, here's a list of what I think are Sinbad specific vehicles, just to get the conversation under

underway here. Because before this movie came out, he did have a couple of movies that he was in, but it's not a sinbad movie, right? Not a Sidbad joint? No, so necessary roughness, uh, conehead, the Meteor Man, um, which we got a lot of

request for, but that movie's just too boring. I, We can't make an episode. I mean, aside from James Real Jones, that hilarious wig. Yeah, you got nothing. All right. So, House Guest is like, this is a Sinbad vehicle. And then first kid, he's kind of like co-billed with Arnold Schwarzenegger and jingle all the way. It's not a starring role.

And then he just had like this made-for-TV movie called The Cherokee Kid, where he's playing a cowboy for some reason. And that's it. I always got that. Yeah, that's it. I always got the Cherokee kid mixed up with that Paul Hogan. Lightning Jack. Yeah, that one. Oh, Lightning Jack's kind of a fun movie, though.

Yeah. Not the Cherokee kid. I would imagine, I haven't seen it, but... Paul Hogan dead, question mark? No, he's alive and well. Oh, good for him. I think he's just backed down under. They didn't let him back up after Crocodile Dundee in L.A.,

which I saw in the theater. So Houseguess, the premise of which is what? Sinbad is a con man of some kind. a con man he's a ne'er-do-well a loser is what we call it a loser and I know people

people get upset when we throw the L word around here and again no one's sitting on it we're not recording this in an ivory tower however the man's a loser for many reasons which we'll get through it so this loser has got all sorts of like gambling

not gambling he's got like he owes the mafia money he runs out and And in order to stay alive, he kind of steals the identity of another man. Of another light-skinned black man. And he stays at this family's house, pretends to be a dentist, and sort of solves all the family's problems along the way. He fixes every last one of this family's problems. For 110 minutes of my life. By the way, I'd like to point out that it had been a long time since I listened to

Brian's phone call and I said tonight when you guys got here that Sinbad is like the black Jim Belushi minus all the sexism and just replace it with like little kid shit because he's just a big baby in this movie yeah well he's not he's a big seven year old there's a difference like he's like Larry the cable guy's kind of a big baby right like Sinbad's an excited kind of fun dumb as shit seven year old that has like just no idea how adults act he might not be a dumb seven-year-old. There's a possibility in this 2013 age of ours that a professional of some kind would say that Sinbad was on the spectrum. You know what I mean? Or at least like the kid persona. I mean, because it is at least ADHD and all over the place here. Well, it's

just a sense of humor that is all based on gesticulating. Right. It's all like wiggling and fucking arms going all over somewhere. That was even his stand-up thing to a degree. Like, He was a big mic shaker. Some comedians do that. I mean, he was just all over the place with the walks. He's a physicality guy. Like, he didn't, his jokes weren't exactly the sharpest in the bag. What with all the mall business and all everything else that he would talk about.

But he was all, he would, he would tell the joke and then flail around for 10 minutes. And it would be hilarious because he was a physical guy. That's what he does here. The first, what I hate, especially movie comedian vehicles, for whatever reason, it's always a good idea to show them as a little kid first I don't I don't understand that what I think that is

this is my theory about this because you're right it happens a lot but I think it's a thing where it's like everyone has to know that this person's been like this forever right it's that idea of like I'm just born this way

I'm just this crazy wackadoo guy and there's nothing I could do about it because I've been this way since I was seven years old. Look, audience, he's never had promise. We start off with this flashback. Remember that Life with Louis show and that fucking little pig creature

that's walking? And I mean, like, it's not even because it's Louis Anderson. It's a poorly, it's a, like, if I'm Louis Anderson, I'm like, oh, grand, I have a new TV show. I'm doing a voice of a kid. I'll be a cute little kid. I'm sure Louis Anderson was an adorable child, but they drew him

like the end, like, at the end of the eye of the Beholder Twilight Zone episode. There's just all these people. He's just like, oh, great, I'm a little fat kid. You could easily break down that drawing and be like, all right, so here's what we got for the life with Louis cartoon show. We're going to take off the hair and we're going to give it some pointy ears on the top of its head. And up, it's a pig. That's all it took.

It took two moves to take it from a little boy to a pig creature. Well, I think that's why he's kind of, you know, faded as it turns out, because I think for a long time he knew his life was just, just like, isn't it kind of funny how much like a pig this guy looks? And eventually he put like something in his contract. There should be no pigs or pigish looking things in this movie or TV show. And now he doesn't have a career anymore. I just feel bad for him because, you know, at the end of the day, it's been a while since we've talked about Louis Anderson on this show.

Ages and ages ago, we did an episode called The Wrong Guys, looking the way back cataloged and dust off that fucker. But his stand-up's kind of funny. It's a very dry, like, sarcastic, very good sense of humor. Then you just get this cartoon, and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Why do I care about this guy's a little kid and, like, just all of these problems he may have had because he talked like that. That is like 60% of the reasons he got the jams he got into was that boy. Well, it also, like, I kind of dislike him for this reason alone is I kind of blame him for like the onslaught of,

Fat comedians. Really? Well, like, of the new, like, the ones who call their specials, you know, a whole lot of love and pizza. Yeah, I mean, I agree with you, Chris. And this actually, this is a good, nice little segue into our film here. Good call. There's a difference between a comedian that's overweight and a fat comedian. There is, you know, like, if your first album is like, I'm just here for the cheese,

and your second one is, I'm back for seconds. It's like that, what's, that Ralphie Mae, that way. All that dude's shtick. Also, Gabriel. Gabriel. Gabriel is a fat comedian. Yeah. There's Kevin something or other.

He's just a big old fat. Oh, that's the, Kevin whatever is the one that's, I'm starving. Is that him? Yeah, it is. He's got some special called I'm starving. We get it, dude. You're a big guy. But you live a lot.

Good for you for fucking turned it into a strength. And like, hey, I call myself a fat. guy all the time. I'd hope people laugh at it instead of ate my guts. I totally understand it. However, like, I'm just not walking around being like, oh, man, you know, don't you keep that pizza away for me because I'm going to fucking eat it.

You don't even want to have me anywhere near pizza. You think people get like the League of Fat comedians, as I'll call them, they get pissed off with like Brian Regan does Pop-Tart jokes. They're like, hey, don't fucking steal my bit. You don't live this shit. I live this shit. You can't talk about fucking Pop-Tarts. Or like Jim Gaffigan's

got that, like, I'm a big fat dad book now. And it's just like, you fucking son of a bitch, I am a big fat dad. Oh, he's so fucking fat. Everyone gets, make way for Jim Gaffigan. He's going to break the fucking scale. He's fucking less than 250 pounds. You can't be a fat comedian if he's less than 250

pounds. And they would definitely give Jim Gaffigan the Hot Pockets commercials that Gabriel and Glecius wants. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jim Gaffigan doesn't need those Hot Pockets commercials, but Jim Gaffing is going to take them away from Gabriel and Glacius. I love Jim Gaffigan.

All right. So, Sinbad has a really bad eye for what it's like to live a healthy life in this movie. His whole motivation in this movie is become needlessly rich or, like, rich for no reason, and eat the worst food possible at every second, every interval he can. Right. Initially, we see him. He's driving around in his shitbox car, and he's got this big bag of wise potato chips.

This is a bag of wise potato chips. a bag of wise potato chips for a New Year's Eve party. That's what, it's not, it's not a single man should have around the house. It's like he went grocery shopping and then he went to BJ's wholesale club just for potato chips.

That, okay, if it was owed three value bags of potato chips together to make this bag of potato chips. If he owned a nicer, more futuristic car and he put that bag of potato chips on the passenger seat, that noise would start dinging because it thinks the passenger isn't wearing a seatbelt.

That's how big this fucking bag of chips is. And he's like, doot-me-doo, gotta go home and eat all my chips. Green onions is playing in the background. Like, he's the most badass motherfucker. That's what you play for a pool shark. Not somebody that's going to go home and house an economy bag of potato chips. And a McDonald's bag. Oh, yeah, he's got that at the bottom.

If Billy D. Williams ever went into a pool hall and hustled Minnesota Fats, that's the fucking song you play. Not Sinbad grocery shopping. It makes sense in Get Shorty when John Travolta walks into a hotel to that song, because he's a lone shark. So before he gets home to eat all this food, there's a real quick, this is one of his Belushi moves in this movie because Sinbad, much of. like Jim Belushi has to be the best at everything. Even though he's a loser, he still carries himself like, it's just a matter of time before I'm a millionaire. It's a matter of time before this and that. And of course, I'm amazing at fucking basketball. And he walks through, and this is also a lot of Adam Sandler. He is like, there's a neighborhood court, you know, across the street

from his apartment. And there's a pickup game of basketball. And he walks onto the court. And there's like, oh, what are we doing here? And it's like, well, we're clearly playing basketball. And he's like dribbling with one hand. He's like, I'm going to beat you guys with the groceries in the other hand. Of course, he's like, fucking set in picks and throw, and like, he's holding this 900 pound bag of wise potato chips in one

arm and dribbling in the other. He gives it to the other guy and he breaks both his legs. Like, how about these potato chips? It's like in the Looney Tunes commercial when they just hand somebody in anvil and just plummets. The problem is, and I know we say

loser. I just feel like we're making fun of this for being overweight. He's not. Actually, Sidbad's not a bad put together guy because he's like eight feet tall. He's well, yeah, he's well proportioned for how tall. I mean, he's very believable in necessary roughness as a fucking football player. Like, he's like fucking Herman

Munster. And I mean, you really can't see the arterial blockage outside of the body, so. Right. And I mean, so, but the thing is, he doesn't have a job. He's got absolutely no job, no, you understand that he's never had a job. Like, he's a schemster and a planner. And like,

The whole opening scene, he's just driving his car talking about, like, oh, man, and then I'm going to, you know, he's, like, given all these fake speeches for all the awards he's going to win, because he's, like, he is very much a little kid. Like, if you're a, if you're a dreamer, let's say, like, you know what I mean, you've got a job that you don't like and you're a dreamer, like, one day I'm going to be, but as you get older, you're like, one day, I'm still going to make, I'm still going to write that novel, man, I'm still going to do this, I'm still going to do this, I'm still going to do this little kid that's like, I'm going to be the best athlete and I'm going to be the best actor, and then I'm going to be the best, I'm going to win a lot. lottery too. And like, that's what he's doing. He's drive around. And then I'll play for the, for the mariners. And he's just driving around like an asshole. And then I'm going to be an extreme astronaut. He's saying shit, like, he's won the Nobel Peace Prize for one thing. And he's like, I won the Paul Robeson best Negro of the, of a lifetime acting award. Like, fucking pick a gullson. And maybe that's why you're so all over the board. And the Aunt Jemima biggest pancake in the world award, which can't exist.

God, I wish it did. I'd be a judge on that shit, huh? Speaking of fat guys. Well, no, because everybody's getting housed by Uncle Buck. God rest his fat soul. I mean, it's accurate. That's true. So he goes home and he's got like this, I guess it's his best friend since forever who's like a tattoo artist and he lives above his tattoo parlor.

And I think it's like this guy owns the building and he's Sinbad's. just kind of like fucking moot it off him for rent yeah you know he's not paying any sorts of rent and so what we realize is you know he's a fan of the get rich quick scheme right he's got his fucking potato chips and he settles in for a night of VHS tape watching and it's one of those like here's what you can do to manage your money into a successful home business like those things that like if you fall for this i mean that's your own fucking fault folks at home but he's got the big he's got the big McDonald's meal he's drinking a two-liter thing a jolt cola and he's got all sorts of scratch off tickets it's like dude yeah pick

something and go with it yeah either you're a degenerate gambler or you're a thief or whatever and the friend comes in and he's like oh i got a package here and he's like oh it must be my baseball cards he's ordered like the whole major league baseball lineup of every team like in packs of baseball cards and he's like, look at this man. Ken Griffey Jr., blah, blah, blah, all these people like, these are going to be worth money someday, especially if they get hurt. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's just, I mean, look at it's, it doesn't make any sense. Like you said, all those players that you like, it's not their rookie card, so that's useless. Yeah, yeah. And also, this is a get rich slow scheme. Yeah, you're going to wait for all these ballplayers

that probably got another like, depending upon, I mean, Ken Griffey Jr., this is 1995. You still got another, like, what, 15 years? He was batting around the MLB for ages. And that's just for, like, a good markup. That's not for, like, the real payoff. You would have to be 87 with the thing in mint condition. And then you can do that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough. I lived at home until I was about 25. and for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time and the last piece, which didn't come until my early 30s, was therapy. And man, I wish it came along sooner.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash W-H-M. So a hundred dollars because they printed a million of those fucking cards. Like, trying to say I'm going to have like my fortune secured by a shipment of baseball cards is the dumbest thing anyone's ever thought of. I mean, he's got that and he's got a bunch of boxes of moon rocks in the back. He's actually living more like one of those assholes who like works in the kiosks in the middle of the mall. He's just changing up the, you know, the merchandise every year. Maybe that's what he's doing is he's building, he's amassing his arsenal to be the kiosk guy at the mall. He's going to get all sorts of kung fu movies.

Oh, yeah. You know, if he gets all sorts of weird stuff like that, he could open one of those Lord of the Rings stores, the Shiremarts we used to talk about. Like, he's just got to get a, like, next in, like next week he's getting a box of those wolf t-shirts. And like a bunch of like rings that have dragons on them. All sorts of novelty. He's talking to some glassware guys Yeah, there's going to be a counter in the back of the store So he's like, oh fuck, oh man, of course I got to meet my girlfriend for dinner

And everyone's like, hold on, how? You have a what? And you think we're going to go to the Madeira queen And like she's got to get off her shift and get to his car But no, no, no, no, this is like a high power business woman And he missed a high power business dinner Yeah, like her boss was there and she's like, you're late, you're stood me up, you embarrassed me in front of my boss?

I'm like, what the fuck dinner was this, Sinbad? How did you miss this? It seems pretty high importance. And I mean, like, just from the mindset of a shit heel, why are you pissing in that well? She's likely where you're getting all your money from. Look, I'm sorry, then I can explain, okay? You stood me up.

You embarrassed me. You made me look like a fool in front of my boss. Look, I'm sorry. I can explain, all right? I can explain. You know, I'm glad I'm still here, so I can Slap your face. Don't slap me, all right?

Keep on. Lynn! Let, we end the street, Lynn. I'm serious. This one is not like the other ones. I swear, Lynn, I feel it in my bones. This baseball car I think it's going to be big. I mean, good for her, at least.

She appears to be smart enough to not let Sinbad move in just yet. You know what I mean? But, like, she just dumps his ass immediately. We never see this woman again in the movie. And, you know, he's going to go home and finish that bag. He's going to climb right into that bag of potato chips, which he could. could fit it to it could be a nice little foil sleeping bag for him that would be the best of the

ending of the movie is him just curling up inside of it in like an alley in pittsburg homeless forever that'd be great if the whole movie he's going through this bag of chips and then at the end it's like there will be blood i'm finished that it's just credits so then the mafia shows up uh welcome to the mafia here we go featuring you know two two actors you've seen before I don't know their names. The one dude is Tony Longo, who's been in a million things. The other guy played the Greek on the second season of The Wire. Yeah, I think he was on Entourage, too, for a little bit also.

Yeah, he was like, I think he was like the head of Warner Brothers on Entros, yeah. It is like some Mickey Mouse Mafia going on here. They're a bunch of clowns. They come in and, like, you know, of course the big guy's a big idiot and little guy's a little idiot. Like, you know, but he's the boss. Right. Like, you know, they're like, he's like, you owe his five. Simbaugh, oh, yeah, of course, I borrowed $5,000, but I bought all these baseball tickets.

Baseball cards, don't worry. Give me 40 years. They'll be worth something. Like, oh, with interest, it's $50,000. And, like, first of all, your mafia mat is off. Like, that's just, that's just number one. Like, you know, if you've got to run the mafia, let's just be realistic. Look who you're dealing with.

The mafia doesn't have to be fair. It just has to be reasonable. Like, you can say that kind of a market. up if like Sinbad has some sort of collateral that you can take away from him like all right Sinbad you don't have $50,000 do you have $50,000 in moon rocks

oh that's impossible okay yeah take a look around you man what are you going to get out you can't squeeze blood from a shitty rock you can't squeeze $50,000 from Sinbad and I mean look it's not like the

Sopranos where you've got Robert Patrick owning that fucking you know that sporting good store and Tony's like oh yeah I'll lend you 5,000 bucks don't worry about it pay me back when you want and then sooner later he fucking gets everything because that's what the mafia does

what do you want a shitty fucking high top sneakers you want his reddish hair nothing's going to happen there you want a whole coupon book to McDonald's because guaranteed he's got that shit locked away somewhere then coupons to McDonald's I've been there and it's rough oh yeah

When you got to fucking open up a ticket book and be like, hey, wait, I get an extra fry with that. Your hands shake it. You're like, it's supposed to be 50 cents on. Dollar off my large Coca-Cola. Because it's worth it. So, yeah. Because we bring it up a lot and I feel like we should hear. At the top of this scene, he's going through what's on TV tonight.

Oh, yeah. And you want to talk about, like, we've talked about seeing other movies. movies in shitty movies and wanting to watch those. This is just a litany of things I would rather, and some of them aren't good, by the way, boomerang is not a good movie. No, but I'd rather watch that. Northern Exposure isn't a great show, but the Simpsons Groundhog Day, fucking cheers, the place stooches, I don't fucking need it when I'm watching this Sinbad movie and I'm only 15 minutes in for a nearly two-hour visit with this

asshole uh you know you're in trouble when you're fantasizing about watching that great sam and diane slap fight episode of cheers and you're in the middle of this phil hartman's sinbad movie and phil hartman's nowhere to be found yet he's not even on the bend so so like all right and it makes perfect sense because they're like look you got to give us fifty thousand dollars by tomorrow's like why not make it a million but hey how about i give you all the stock to i bm tomorrow None of it's going to fucking happen. They might as well be asking him for a Hawaiian island. Exactly.

It's like, where is he going to get it? If you've given him weeks to come up with this money, what is the next day going to do, honestly? So you just want to kill him. So just kill him there. Just kill him. Just put him out of his misery. Ask for the Ark of the Covenant. For all I give a shit.

You've chosen a life of crime. Kill him. You know what you strangle him with the fucking, with the high top. sneakers uh with the with the shoelace you put them into that potato chip bag and the big the other guy takes it out and they're like oh man do you love these potato chips and sit

bed's feet are hanging out see you later tattoo artist bye bye so what are you doing this situation you can't pay back the mafia $50,000 so logically grab your pet hamster cage and all and buy a plane ticket to the

Bahamas under a fake name I mean how does that work I wasn't doing a lot of air travel pre-9-11, like buying my own tickets, that is. So I don't know, like, if you could just go up and be like, yeah, I'm Don Mattingly, one ticket to L.A., please. I don't know if it worked that way. I'm sure you at least had to have a driver's license. They need that manifesto. And he definitely needs a credit card.

Yeah, how are you buying a plane ticket? It's that girlfriend's credit card. Guaranteed he's got, like, she was leaving. You know, she's like, I'm leaving you. She punched him in the stomach, and he just had a grifter's grip and had it. That's like, see you later, sweetheart. That's why he asked for the goodbye hug. Yeah, exactly.

Just one hug, please. Yoink. Just for closure. We're just going to hug it out. So, yeah. And he does give some fake bullshit, like a bullshit. Like, if you're going to use a fake name at the airport, you'd be like, oh, my name's Robert Johansson, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he calls himself Clarence Thomas, the third. Does he? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Oh, that's. so stupid. And it's a trope of like he's not the world's smoothest con man. Not at all. He actually may be the world's

worst con man. It's almost as if he's doing it for an audience's benefit in a bad comedy. Like it's almost as if these are really easy jokes that would never be done. Wait a minute. You know what though? That actually kind of makes a lot of sense if you like would like to theorize that this character

knows that he's being watched by an audience in a shitty comedy because of the amount of times Sinbad spikes the camera in this movie. It's a lot of like, did you like that one? I hope you did. There's more on the way. Don't worry. Didn't leave you, I did. Good. So the mafia catches

up to him at the airport. Well, they knew he was going there. I mean, I think this is all like, I don't know what there, maybe there's a form they had to fill out. You can't kill the guy in the first visit. You have to give him at least 24 hours. Right. It's standard mafia procedure. All the contracts in the mafia

yes but if he skips town you can check the box you know what i mean that's right picked up with the airport then you can murder him and so this is where there's a big fucking chase scene because he one he yells out that he sees denzil washington and this crowd of women just freak the fuck out this crowd of african-american women and they're all like wear the same t-shirts so they're all going the same place the ideas like african-american women love themselves of denzil washington well it's not like you said there's the beetles getting off of place He was Denzel Washington. I mean, he was a handsome dude, and people liked him, but, like, it wasn't like, oh, my God, like screaming, thawting over.

It's utter madness. Did that many women see Mississippi Marsala or what? They did. I guess so. So, yeah, so it's that. And then, like, they kind of catch up to him. And then he sacrifices this hamster. He's like, I always knew who would come to this little buddy, hope you can help me out.

And he drops the hamster on the floor. And he's like, there's a rat. the airport. Everybody's losing their mind. And it's a Dennis the Menace in his frog bit. You know what I mean? It's like, this is not an adult with an adult pet that he loves, that he wants to. It's just like, oh, I got to bring a stinky

on a plane, and he just lets it go. And it's like, get the fuck out of here. You're a grown man. And they don't you know, stay behind to watch that fucking gerbil kid. Stomped to death. Oh yeah, that thing's in pieces by the end of this scene. That's uncomfortable. You look at your shoe. Oh,

what I fucking step on it? It's just a bunch gerbil mess just eyeballs and bones and then you I mean that's sticking with you for the rest of the month the year that's not even going to be as bad as the as the parts of the gerbil

you have to scrape off your shoe later in the front yard that's what it really you know what it is it's one of those things where you keep missing a piece and it's like Jesus Christ it's been four days and you just drive into the car what is that

oh man fucking rotting gerbil flesh God damn it. And then you have it all sorts of gerbill nightmares because it's a horrific sight to see. Thanks a lot, Sinbad, the fucking trauma. So this is where he finally, we get to Phil Hartman at least, and he overhears Phil Hartman telling his kids like, conveniently enough, well, I haven't seen this great friend of mine in 25 years. Here's a history of a lost friendship. Did I mention that he's a tall, light-skinned black man?

Oh, hey, Sinbad! We begin in the summer of 79 when And it's this bullshit thing Where like they used to be camp friends Which I mean Inner City born and bread So I've never been to summer camp I don't know what goes on there

Except for what the movies told me Suburbs born and bread I never went to a summer camp Are you really making long lasting friendships there? I went to summer camp Actually I have met I've met some lifelong friends there However

Most of it was just fucking sitting on like a gymnasian floor well that's not a summer camp you're talking about like a day camp right like it's it appears as if these fuckers like went off to camp on awana no no no i haven't been to one of those uh so yeah so he's like he overhears it like what's that he's waiting for a light skin black man he hasn't seen the quarter of a century perfect and he'd tell i mean and this it's one of these things where you have to keep reminding yourself it's just a movie and not because it's so horrifying but because it's impossible that this would ever happen he looks and he's just like oh hey it's you and phil hartman's like it's me and like somehow they just get over the hurdle of how

impossible this would be in like five seconds and it's so much of this movie is like not every like that that the thing we always talk about it's like if everybody just sat down down and talked for five seconds, the whole movie would go a lot smoother, but no, no, and no one's giving each other the information they need to get to where they need to go. So, also, this movie wouldn't happen, but because the movie presupposes that, not just Phil Hartman, but multiple people in this movie, just kind of assume that all black people look the same, because that's exactly what's going on. There's a scene later where Sinbad runs into this gentleman's, like, old college professor or like dental school professor

and he looks at this man in the eye and the guy's just like well you put on a little weight huh when we see this actor later he clearly looks nothing like Sinbad. It's the guy from Firefly who couldn't look anything less like Sinbad aside for being a light skin black guy

put on a little weight and gained like two feet Jesus you grew 24 inches you're a lot younger than this guy should be your facial structure's different that's interesting And I don't trust you to do any kind of surgery at all. Well, someone does. We'll get to that in a little bit.

So this is very much a taking care of business thing, right? Right, yeah. He's like, oh, man, let's go. Let's get in the car, Phil Harmon. And then, like, for some reason, he has to go, he's being, Phil Harmon's being paged by the real dude. The real dude. So Sinbad's like, no, no, that's me.

I made a joke or some bad Sinbad lie. He runs off to go deal with this guy and gives us other bad. Sinbad lie where he's like, hey man, you know, guess what? Phil Hartman's wife's dying, so you can't go. And by the way, don't call the house because the disease she has is activated by the telephone. It's like, well, I'm a medical doctor. That makes perfect sense. Thanks, Sinbad!

Like, granted, this guy is like the world's best dentist or whatever, but like, you know, he's also an intelligent human being. And what the fuck kind of disease is that ever? That's a Sinbad fantasy disease. Cronenberg disease The telephone Yeah totally So this dude falls for it

And Sinbad's like All right yeah And his other request is you have to wear this hat I'm wearing If someone is ever like This other person told me to tell you You have to wear Oh this hat I'm going to take off my head

Someone's looking for this person And you're about to be punched in the face Or tased Like you might get a nice tase in the back And wake up someplace You're at an airport. You might get taken. You are really close to getting taken.

Oh, and one more thing. Wear this hat. And they're going to take you. And so, yeah, this dude gets punched in the face and Sinbad flees the scene. Stealing luggage. Oh, yeah, just rips off some person's luggage bag. Just, and not even this guy who almost has a similar body type to, which he really doesn't, but the movie pretends that he does. Like, he just grabs any old luggage he could find.

Put that in your back fucking pocket. And so, like, there's a whole, there's a chase scene where it's like, somehow, because Phil Hartman's kids don't want to buckle up and Sin Bed's just fucking had enough of it, he gets out of the car and opens the driver's door and Phil Hartman's like, oh, you want to drive? I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? This is my car. I'm picking you up at the airport. You're my house guest. Get this fucking passenger side drive. I know we're in a hurry for this big Parents Day conference.

Well, that's, you know, so we can do that. What happens in this movie is over and over and over again. The whole joke, the whole comedy well of this movie is people keep speaking in the vaguest of vague terms to Sinbad so that he's incapable of figuring out anything about this person, why he's here. Like Phil Hartman's like, I'm so glad you agreed to do this thing. And he's like, yeah, the thing. It's the worst whose line is it any way that's ever been. Oh, yeah, this is shitty short form improvisation. Absolutely.

It's party quirks with a fucking moron. And you're just like, I don't know. I'm very hungry for human flesh. And the guy can't get cannibal. I don't know. And so they're like, all right, we got to go right to Sally's school for the thing. And again, you know, I know this is such a, it's a big deal for you to do this. So thanks a lot.

And you're like, what could have. possibly dragged this man from Baltimore all the way up to Pittsburgh to be at a school. And it's like, oh, it's a, it's a career day conference. Okay, Phil Hartman, you have a job of your own. Why aren't you participating in Career Day? And you haven't seen this guy in 25 years. And so this guy out of the blue, you're a famous well-to-do dentist. And you're this guy that you were friends with in summer camp 25 years ago.

is like, hey, my daughter's got this career day. I wouldn't even respond to the letter. I really wouldn't. I would just throw it right out. He's inviting him to a working weekend. It is a working weekend. He's got to give a speech. He's got to make all these, like, personal, you know,

meet and greets with all, yeah, he's making appearances. Running a 5K? It's a big fucking deal. And I mean, like, yeah, Sinbad is a piece of shit in this movie because, you know, he's, like, abusing Phil Hartman's hospitality. But Phil Hartman's got his hand out. entire fucking movie. Oh yeah, asking him to do also, I mean, it comes down to like, will you drive my kid's carpool for the afternoon? Because I'm fighting with my wife, by the way. Uh, uh, huh?

No, it's straight up, hey, not, hey, I mean, he does, he does drive the kids. It's straight up, hey, fix my kids, would you? Oh, yeah, I just can't possibly talk to these little creatures. So be their dad for a while. Look, I'm tired. I got to do a lot of lawyering, so please, just deal with them. It's like that Simpsons joke where he's having that dream because he wants to invent something to get himself out of debt. And they're like, why would we need to show you the invention, Mr. Simpson? It's the greatest invention of the world. And he's just like, somebody please tell me what fucking career I have. Exactly.

And he goes first, and there's a slide. There's a bunch of slides, and it's a bunch of, like, rotting teeth, and he doesn't, he can't figure it out. And, like, everyone thinks he's delightful. Like, he doesn't even give his speech. He just does a Sinbad-esque, like, oh, I'm having a seizure because this is so gross. And there's a bunch of non-sequiters before that. He's just like, he says something about, hey, that's lemonade, but that could be a meal. What the fuck are you talking about?

He says something about like this. One slide comes up and he's like, I think I got one of those in my apartment. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? And the audience is rolling in the aisle. Also, if that's in your apartment, again, are we in a Kronenberg movie? A sandwich is a sandwich, but that's a meal. So he escapes relatively unscathed. This science teacher, this bitter science teacher, raises his hand.

He's like, yeah, you're a big hot shot dentist, right? And he's like, I guess I am. And he's like, yeah, in chapter five of your book, by the way, how many fucking famous dentists have written national bestselling books that everyone's just quoting in the street? Well, I mean, we'll get to the publishing industry in this movie later. We sure will. But this guy, he asks him, this is the question. It's not like, I would imagine to be like, oh, that's our local dentist. He wanted to know about your theory about blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then instead, it's like, you said in your chapter five of your book that you have made mistakes or some, there's things you would have changed. Yeah, in chapter five of you book, you mentioned that if you had some things to do over, you'd do them differently. What would you do? I would look to the guy directly in the eye, shrug and be like, what the fuck do you want me to say? It is kind of just a generic whatever question. Yeah, I'd be like, oh, you know, there's this girl. Like, anyone could answer that question. Oh, there's a girl that I used to have that I don't have anymore.

Right, right. Oh, my God, I would have saved more money. I would have invested in this. No. Just, you know, why would you even ask that question, though, to say it's such a dickhead thing. Because he's trying to show the emperor doesn't it? This fucking highfalutin dentist isn't coming to my school and say he's got a better career than me. I'm the fucking earth science teacher, pal.

So to get out of this jam, real. quick. Sinbad's always thinking on his feet he is. He says that everybody in the audience is going to get a copy of his book and there's a ticket to the Pearl Jam concert in every book and this place goes

apeshit and they just clear out of the auditorium and what's really annoying about this is I hate those like screenwriting dead ends that they don't bother to acknowledge as a dead end because like cut to Phil Hartman and him and the kids are walking outside the school and Phil Hartman's like that was a

great speech sinbed where's the hardcore pearl jam fan that's like where's my fucking ticket motherfucker what are you doing saying it's a free pearl jam ticket

or I'd be like hey Derek what was it what was it you're talking about like why'd you lie to everyone about that pearl jam show about your tick

it doesn't seem like you know a whole lot about dentistry Derek hey Derek what the fuck is what's up are you a con man Derek is that what's going on here

am I getting you running the long con on me so they go to the house And we're introduced to Kim Gries, Phil Hartman's wife, Kim Griesed from Chud and Brazil and Manhunter. I noticed how Chud's the first, but before Brazil. In order of quality. Honestly, in order of the films I've seen the most time.

Brazil's like fucking five hours, so I understand that. Yeah, that's twice and done. So they're like preparing this. huge feast for Sinbad or the person that they think Sinbad is And his family He's got you know

The 2.5 kids Perfect little family He's got a little girl Who's just kind of a cute little kid Doesn't do much Yeah and yeah I will say A positive note about house guest This little girl

Not in any real offensive way Precocious whatsoever Totally harmless little girl character Way to go movie There is a scene where she upstages Sinbad She's certainly Well, that's not really that Not too hard, but

Kim greased upstages Simbad You leave Kim greased out of this Thor, the dog Upstages Sinbad Oh, it's a beautiful dog acting And there's the kid who's in the sandlot Whose only character trait is Because the mid-90s, he likes basketball

Right, yeah, exactly Michael Jordan For those sandlot heads out there He played squints Oh yeah In the sandlot And then yeah, there's also There's a teenage daughter we didn't mention yet

who's got a couple of problems. Trina Trainwreck, this lady is. She is really got some issues. I mean, like, and it's fine. I totally get, like, making fun of teenage angst, but they push, they play this girl a little too straight. She's a little bit too close to the edge from my taste. This character is in the wrong movie. You know what I mean? It's pretty rough.

Oh, weird, like, stay tuned situation. Or Pleasantville thing? she cut the picture she took the remote and then she was in a Sinbad movie but also the character and I mean we can kind of start talking about this they don't really know who this character is no it's just all she's a metal head girl

like she's shown with like she's always listening to like heavy heavy metal she's got like all all sorts of earrings dark dyed black hair she wears like Smith's t-shirts well that's the thing she kind of switches yeah because it's yeah when we first meet her it's one thing She's listening to, like, some, like, fake, I don't know if it's a fake, hard course, like, it sounds fake enough. I believe it's Pig Destroyer, but we, I don't know for sure.

I mean, it's like, I'm going to kill my parents, like something fucking stupid. But then, like, cut to the second half of the movie, she's wearing the Smith's t-shirts. She's listening to Dinosaur Jr. You're like, what are you? It's talking to all sorts of poetry, Sylvia Plath, obviously. Uh-huh. She's obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe. Baudelaer would understand me. Yeah, Baudelaer would understand, all right. And she's dating this kid who's a complete, like, so she's a pretty well-read kid, so she'd be with some, like, nerdy guy or like the strong silent type that's totally into D&D, but doesn't let anybody know he's into D&D, but then it gets into college and it's kind of ironic, so he does it anyway.

Right. But she's dating this guy that, like, it's, and again, it's the mid-90s and the funniest thing in the world is hip-hop culture influencing suburbia. So it's a white kid that thinks he's black. Oh, he's this total wangster idiot. and he's got like his nickname shaved into his head like his name's Steve but he calls himself ST3 ST3 all right right just kill yourself uh so this is this kind of like family dynamic we have here and they're they're getting ready to have this big party for sinbad in honor of his arrival and giving this fucking great speech at career day and it's like a catered affair there's a

weight staff, like a personalized menu for Sinbad because this guy's in real life is like a vegetarian. Desmond Tutu came to your house. This is the style in which you would have to be received. Oh, yeah. Oh no, we've got to have, it's got to be a catered affair.

Black tie all right. Like, this is just some old friend from camp that's a dentist. It's a successful dentist. Pull out the fucking grill and be done with it. Just be done with it. Get a 12 or a fucking Hynequin and everyone's having a gravy time. And, you know, Phil Hartman's like, all right, put on your best suit, Derek, and, like, oh, I hope I have a suit that fits me in this, this luggage that I stole. And he does.

And it's like, are you fucking kidding me? Who was being, by the way, it is a, and this I've never seen before, it's a suit that belongs to a funeral parlor with, like, the funeral parlor's like initials on like the breast pocket. I didn't know they had those. Like, what is that if, like, You can't afford to be buried in a suit. They're like, well, here you go. And, I mean, this is the chance for a lot of jokes. There's a lot of jokes to be had by this joke of him opening it up. And I don't know, it's like a pants suit or something like that.

Or just an ill-fitting suit. Short-arms, short-pants legs, a man-the-legion, T-shirt, anything. It would have to be ill-fitting unless it was Andre the Giants or someone. Sid-Bad's a big fucking dude. Like, it's a big and tall situation, no matter what goes on. Maybe it's Tom Noonan's suit. In the garden of evil, manhunter, okay. I got the manhunter crap.

It's the mid-90s, maybe it's a Dekembe Matumbo suit. Why is he getting buried? He's in a Geico commercial just recently. He is adorable of that Geico commercial, isn't he? It's so great So of course they're going to have this big fancy fucking party This suit somehow fits him perfectly Like he's never worn more comfortable clothes in his life

And his job is to shoot Cartoon mice came out and sewed it for him And it's his job to go around and schmooze with all these people Because they're all there for Sinbad And he still doesn't know he's a dentist yet And we're 45 minutes in this guy still doesn't know What his character trade is So I mean it is just ridiculous

He's going around to all these people And, like, proof in the pudding of him being a bad con man, they're like, oh, what does the little, the initial stand for? And with every person that asks him this, and there's a big hilarious montage around it, he gives a different answer depending upon, like, what inspires him by looking at that person kind of a thing. And it's like, how about you just stick to something? If you're trying to create this false identity, yeah, you go, you talk to two different people, you tell them two different things. What happens if later in the night they come together? You're fucked! Well, also, Phil Hartman is going around to all these people and just yapping about his friend to everybody in the town.

He's a little chatty-cathy. My friend, yeah, my friend the dentist is here. Who? Oh, yeah, the dentist right over there. Isn't he great? Oh, he said that he actually worked for the National Aeronautic Space Institute. It was on his jacket. And he knows French and other things.

Huh. I guess that makes it a big liar. You know, come to think of it, he really. He really bombed that career day thing, and he hasn't exactly fit into any of the molds that we thought we had. Yeah, he's a big liar. All right, well, let's kill him. Or call the police. Oh, you got to kill him.

He's in your house. I mean, he's already touched your daughter. You've got to kill him. Speaking of touched your daughter, Jeffrey Jones shows up in this movie. Man, oh, man. You know what? That is one, you know, like Pete Townsend from the Who? Like, when that came out and he was like, oh, I'm researching a book.

And you're like, whatever. And I don't give a fuck because it's the Who and I don't really. care but this for me was like oh come on geoffrey jones i like you in things most things he's like a good he adds things to movies like it's really honestly it was on the other day too uh when we were down in philly for the lady in the water thing we're watching tv ferris bueller's on it's impossible for me to watch a good wholesome movie like ferris bueller's day off without thinking a child pornography. Thanks a lot, Jeffrey Jones, you piece of shit. Yeah, and

he just, you know, he pleaded no contest to try to, you know, have a kid take pictures, take lewd pictures of himself, and he was just like, whoops, but I was at Beetlejuice, right, everybody? And America applauded, and he didn't go to jail. It adds a really creepy undercurrent to stay

tuned, which, by the way, stay tuned. Stay tuned for stay tuned. Absolutely. Because essentially that whole fucking movie is about a guy trying to two kids in a house alone he just happens to use you know the hell TV station to get rid of them

come to think of it what is what is Ferris Bueller's day off but this overzealous principle coming out of this kid's house that's just trying to teach this kid a lesson he's got him right where he wants him doesn't he it's not just trying to teach him a lesson

he's trying to teach him a lesson he's trying to punish him. He's trying to make sure he stays in his school. Nice and close and comfy. Yeah, I don't want you going off to college yet, Beul. You're going to stay right here with Rooney's roommates. This is kind of a revelation because now in Beetlejuice, he's trying to, for unknown reason, he's trying to get away from the city, all the temptations of the city.

He's a quiet, a new quiet place where not everybody, you know, not everybody has, It's a little bit before Megan's law. He doesn't have to tell everybody, everything just yet. It's also a town where nobody knows him, really. A fresh start, if you will. And then, boom, he's haunted. He's already, like, applying for, like, little league coach to see what happens? And you know what?

Appropriately enough, in Devil's Advocate, he's murdered by demons. That's my favorite. one of my favorite scenes in any movie and the devil's advocate's not a good movie but when Jeffrey Jones gets his holy shit man that's satisfying it's even more satisfying now note to self devil's

advocate rewatch and I mean so Jeffrey Jones by the way he's in this movie he plays a real dentist and like you know he starts this is when Sinbad learns his dentist and like you know obviously he's a good foil for Sinbad because like he can call bullshit on Sinbad's

bullshit because he's like but I'm a fucking dentist and Jeffrey Jones I mean you know we just ragged on him for you know poor life choices but he's really good in this movie he's really good in almost everything he's done which rakes it's so fucking frustrating

you know what here's the thing if Sinbad got those charges put against him I wouldn't give a flying fuck I'd watch house guest and be like yeah whatever that fucking figures not Jeffrey Jones though god damn it it's always the good ones yeah it's like as if you found something really bad about

Steven Tobolowski, which is actually impossible, and I hope it never happens. I'll kill myself. But, I mean, it's also, like, he does kind of do the Ed Rooney thing in this movie a little bit, because instantly he's suspicious of Sinbad, because being a dentist, just like Sinbad is

supposed to be, he's like, well, say, you don't appear to be the way a dentist would act. Also, by the way, like, I can imagine, like, a couple, like, surgeons, they get like very broie and they get very jealous of one another. Jealous dentists? Because he's the world's most famous dentist.

Right. Well, it's got ahead a little bit. There's a golf scene that goes on forever. And Phil Hartman's racist boss gets his tooth impacted along the way. And now all of a sudden they're like, hey, Sinbad, you're a famous dentist. Why don't you take his tooth out back at Jeffrey Jones's, you know, dentistry place? A dentist's office? That's what I'm thinking of.

Go to his dentistry factory. that's why I'm not a screenwriter or a dentist you wouldn't know where to go to work oh my god oh my god we get to watch and be a dentist and everyone's fucking going nuts oh man there's like a

whole class of people that are like cut it's like a like the dentist teachers bringing the class over from the dentist university the dentist professor cut off whatever was going on that day shoved a bunch of his students in a van sped over to watch

this guy pull a tooth out. Jeffrey Jones is like, did you say put students in a van? Want to borrow a van? And Phil Hartman's got the world's most enormous hard on. Oh, yeah. The guy that he went to fucking summer camp with is going to do dentistry in front of him. And oh my God, won't that be fun to watch? And I feel to a degree, it's kind of like a status thing in the town, right? He's like, hey everybody you sure did love this guy i brought to town well just remember come christmas season remember who brought him to you it's like he's the one responsible for this rock star

dentist in town and i mean this is the most trailered scene in the film is when sinbad accidentally is washing his hands with novacane i mean it's like it's really fucking stupid it's so stupid like so what are we led to believe there like we know from the the prologue of the film that's in bed's an orphan and he's in this fucking Catholic orphanage and badda da da da da da da da da does he not know how to read it clearly says right on the label what it is and he's just like getting his hands in it it's just like green he takes a big like do you know how to wash your hands is my end game here is do you know how to wash your hands because he takes like like if poo bear was taking a big glob of honey

and then was like about to eat it that's what he takes to wash his hands I'm surprised he didn't eat it I'm actually surprised he didn't eat it and I mean as if this guy needed more of a hindrance to not be a good dentist

he doesn't know like he has to do I'd be fucking freaking out anyway now my hands are numb and he's like oh fuck better keep going with my thing he doesn't let up and he's like well okay

this is happening this is happening and I mean and this comes to an issue with me with this movie is that like, when this movie be much, much better if he had like, if Phil Hartman had noticed something and they had this secret thing like, look, I have this status in this town,

I need you to be on game. So me and you are going to work together and we're going to make sure everybody loves you. And if that dynamic actually allows for some comedy and let Phil Hartman do something in this movie. That is a big problem with this movie for me is what I started it up, like you're watching Sinbad with his fucking potato chip.

sleeping bag and whatever, and I'm just like, all right, well, at least Phil Hartman's in this movie, technically Phil Hartman's in this movie, but realistically, Phil Hartman is nowhere to be found in this movie. Phil Hartman is one of my biggest comedy idols. He's one of the things I still get really, really upset about when I think of, you know, that day in May, 1998 that I just can't, you know, deal with. But like, that's not him in this movie. He's nowhere to be found. And I I mean, that's, it's not like, oh, man, Phil Hartman's in a bad, sinbad movie. That, you know, it sucks for him. He's got nothing to do.

He usually is a great straight man to anything. You put him, like, he defines what a straight man should be doing in a comedy scene, no matter what. Like, he's always reacting exactly right and making, he makes smart choices. And here, it's just, I don't know if he was preoccupied with whatever, but he's just not there. I mean, he defied those odds in jingle all the way. they're almost like greater odds he is able to pull a great performance out of a dumbass sinbad slash arnold schwarzenegger movie he is fucking hilarious in jingle all the way he's hands down the best part of that movie and here you're just like man he's just taking a cold shower

the whole time i mean and this comes to a head when like he's just sitting on at one point he's just sitting on a fucking ledge of a bridge eating a big mac and that's the whole point of it i feel is that like here it's him with our fucking flat it's mcdonald's because mcdonald is everywhere oh every in this fucking cranny of this movie and he is just like here here's our flagship fucking sandwich in phil hartman's hands eat it america i mean i don't know what was going on with mcdonald's if there was like maybe there were new laws that maybe there's like some litigation in process like you can't advertise the kids anymore and they got all scared like we got to start making movies like i don't know what it is but there's

something uncouth about this movie and McDonald's. Well, do you think, like, the sting from Mac and Me had finally worn off? I mean, because that's, like, McDonald's and me, the movie, you know. Like, they were finally like, all right, let's dip a little bit back into McDonald's. Like, we're not going to have a dance scene with an alien inside of McDonald's, but we can have maybe one character have McDonald's be his favorite food, and he's eating it all the time, and he uses a McDonald's restaurant as a meeting place multiple times in the film like

I definitely think it has something to do with the children thing because the first thing fucking Sinbad says is and Mickey D's for the adults which is an incorrect statement and he like his whole character motivation is McDonald's when he tries to escape Phil Hartman's

house because he's like oh my god you know this family's too crazy and he's like running away and he's like you know but I still got to run away from the mafia I only have like X amount of dollars to get where I need to go first let me spend as much money as I can at McDonald's and then I'll see how much money I have for the bus to save my fucking life

people have guns and they're fucking going after me they have no idea where I'm going to sleep tomorrow but I better shove a fucking burger into my face for it's the fucking gang that couldn't shoot straight running around this goddamn town it's a good rule of thumb though okay running away from the mafia

and saving your own life always comes first fast food is a close second i can understand where you're coming from in bed you know like especially for me if this was like you know 15 years ago and taco bell still made the chili cheese burrito god damn how do you make such a crucial mistake like that taco bell i'm talking to you executives taking that shit off the fucking menu take that away for me what i mean like yeah how fucking dumb and childish are you i mean it's another poo bear move like okay poo bear you have two seconds you can do use these two seconds to run

away from the honeybees and go find another honey pot, or dig into this honey pot, eat all the honey and be stung to death. Oh no, piglet. The bears didn't cover the spread. The mafia's going to break my legs. It's not a very good pooh bear. Oh, yeah, I don't have a

You need a little bit of husk. It's a really tough voice to do. It is a tough voice. But no, poo bear running away from the mafia. Make your own jokes. Right, right. Well, you know, then, like, you know, the owl comes out of the treehouse and he's just got his little wings folded. He's looking down rabbit comes out from behind the tree and fucking kneecaps him and then i or just goes like i like burger kings oh eeyore fucking accede some shit this day man oh yeah he's broken

oh yeah he has PTSD he's like tim robin's at like the latter half of mystic river just like damaged goods eeyore's just thinking about vampires i kind of hope inside eeyore's brain it's kind of like Jacob's Ladder. E.R. the fucked up Vietnam veteran. And the last episode of Winnie the Pooh is him just wait. It's just like a pan out. It's some like some veterinarian just pulling

the sheet over Eeyore. Chris Cabin's the extreme adventures of Winnie the Pooh. I'd buy every fucking novel McDonald's Collector's Cup from that show. A lot of curse words in this. So yeah, like he's what a.

nudity. Jesus Christ. What is that thing with a tail that keeps on poking at him? A.A. Milne's rolling over in his grave.

What's Jeffrey Jones doing with Christopher Robin? Anywho, Sinbad can't get himself no McDonald's, right?

That's the big, he's like the tricks rabbit. That's like his motivation for two-thirds of this movie because like he's trying to get it

before he can't do it. and like Phil Hartman's sitting down and he's like you know you did a great job by the way he fucking pulls that guy's tooth out I think we left that hangler it doesn't matter no he doesn't he gets hit by a machine he's like about to do he's got like pliers and then like the dentist like light apparatus like accidentally swings around and hits Sinbad in the face and he just pulls it out like who what god damn it who cares and really that was the complicated surgery you had to pull a tooth out yeah that's what's so stupid is like you know not to harp on this much longer but

Jeffrey Jones is looking at the x-rays and he's like, I think we need to do this and this and this procedure in order to avoid nerve damage and this, that, and the other thing? It's serious dentistry. And he just pulls the tooth out and the whole dentistry class and the professor's just given a big old round of applause. Oh, like I fucking saw a magic show. Like, congratulations, everybody.

It's dentistry. You just saw Jesus in dentist form. One of the things he sees at McDonald's the little teenage girl's shitty boyfriend, like, you know, make it out with some other girl. And he's like, oh, man. And he kind of starts building up, like, he sees all the ways this family's fucked up. One of which is that Phil Hartman's company is trying to run his wife's business at a town.

And he's like, okay with it? Yeah, it's a weird. Like, Phil Hartman is a lawyer at a big law firm. And his big racist boss is like, hey, we're going to represent so-and-so as they bring in a big new frozen yogurt chain. And Phil Hartman's, like, conflict. like well that's fucked up because that's you know it's gonna run linda's chain out of the out of the city and so he's like not telling kim greased what's going on here but he resents her like success anyway and like totally and they have like this whole dead marriage

like this there's scenes of them scream at each other in front of these fucking kids in front of sinbad sinbad can't take it with mom and dad fight and i mean a sinbad is right so sinbad like you realize what's happening when he's in his McDonald's and he sees that the teenage girl the boyfriend's cheating on her and everything and he's like building a profile in his sin bad head of all the fucked up things

you know one of which by the way the other thing is like the son little squints he's all fucked up because he's like you know Phil Hartman's pressuring him like you're going to go play in the NBA someday which by the way if any parent out there is like you're going to play in the NBA someday as opposed to like if you want

to wrong move maybe want to want to wait for that girl spurt. Yes. This kid's like four and a half feet tall. See how puberty shakes out. If he's six foot eight, you're like, well, you know, you probably should think about basketball. So speaking of basketball, we have this scene where another huge problem is this kid's terrible at best.

I mean, he's not terrible, but he's just a little kid. He likes basketball, blah, blah, Phil Hartman's pressuring him. So Sinbad, in a scene where he's volunteered to take over the family carpool for the afternoon, Because this is just an inconsolable of fucking barn burner fight at home. Sinbad's like, yeah, I'll take these kids out of here. Where do you want to go, kids? It's the fucking War of the Roses in there. And so he's like, all right, I'm going to drop, you know, a little Lucy off at dance practice with her friends and whatever.

And where do you want to go, Mark? Oh, you want to go play basketball? And he sees, like, he's getting bullied and everything. So in comes Sinbad to save the day, just like eight crazy nights. He's going to go in. And he's like, all right, I'm going to say. that me and Squintz versus all five of you teenagers, you know,

we're going to play a little pickup game of basketball. And they make a really creepy wager, which is if they lose, if Sinbad and Squintz lose, he's going to give these kids Phil Hartman's Volvo. By the way to roll the dice. Yeah, exactly. You haven't seen these kids play.

But that's the thing. He's Sinbad. He's the greatest thing at everything. So he's like, And if we win, we have to take all your clothes. What? Jeffrey Jones falls out of a tree with binoculars around his neck. Oh, fuck.

So they play this game. And of course, you know, Sinbad, Sinbad's playing like it's the fucking game seven to third round of the finals. He's like checking the ball off their faces. He's given a couple of pretty hard charges. He's like really fucking with these kids. And they win this game. cut to all these children standing in a playground in their underwear. I kind of wish that, like, because it is a montage of the game.

Of course, well, we have to have a montage. Because I mean, then it's two and a half hours and who's watching this thing. But, like, I kind of wanted him to, like, Reggie Miller them a little bit, like, kind of, like, getting their heads a little bit. Joke somebody. But, no, but it's even worse because, like, you don't have that scene where he's like, because it is a montage and it just cuts and they don't have their clothes. And it's like, you know, like, when. when you know Donald Ducks like fucking pants fall down he does that little

shake thing and he covers his junk yeah duck junk right and that's what they're doing they cover their duck junk and to the little boxer shorts but there's not that scene where Sidbad's like oh I wasn't kidding you take those fucking clothes off yeah where's each one of you where this huge Frankenstein motherfucker

intimidates these 13 year old boys into taking their clothes off in a public bark underline public in that there's people everywhere nobody's stopping this that's before that that wonderful what of the best rule society ever thought of it's like hey you know what if you don't have a kid that's your own kid you're not allowed in a playground anymore totally same with like a chucky cheese get the fuck out of here Jeffrey Jones keep on walking jackie earl hurley nobody wants you here

he's never touched kids he just played one right he just played a kid toucher in a very terrible movie and so that's one thing and like this girl this teenage girl is fucked. She's like crying her eyes. Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf downstairs? She doesn't know how to fucking deal with this shit. She's crying her eyes out every night. And like, Sinbad's like, well, I guess I'll go in there and help her out now.

Here's the thing, though. Sinbad is not well, I guess I'll go help her out. Kim Grease and Bill Hartman are like, so Sinbad, you appear to have made some sort of connection with Janie. Could you go talk to her? And Sinbad's like, Jesus, I wish the Mafia just fucking cut my throat already. Sinbad, look, Kathy Cut Myself is up there and she is really, she's listening to Dinosaur Jr. all day. She's really in a bad place.

Could you go and tell her how, you know, the boyfriend isn't such a big deal? And he does. And he does. And, you know, Sinbad gives some pretty sound advice and the way only Sinbad could. But, you know, the basic. Mostly with his hands. Right. The basic gist of this, you know, gesticulation.

Fest is, you know, listen, you're better than this. You know, you can't put up with this dude's shit. You know, you're a beautiful girl. There's a point where it's kind of like, are you coming on to this teenager sinbad? Like, he takes it a little too far. You know, all while Dinosaur Jr. is playing in the background. But it's like, this girl is like sobbing. She's like, look at my parents down there, Sinbad.

This is fucking horrendous. This family's falling apart. You know, and Kim Grease, you have a good maternal instinct. Maybe you should have her talk to a doctor. Not a dentist that's staying at your house, but maybe a fucking therapist. And also maybe take the fighting into the bedroom or something. Just close a door. You know what I mean?

Like, that's the worst, man. Just like parents fighting that aren't yours, but you're just there. I remember one specific sleepover where I could not concentrate on SportsCenter hard enough because fucking six feet away, the world was ending. You're just like, Jesus Christ, take it upstairs. It's just like, oh, what do you think about the Packers this year? I never loved you anyway, whore. I think Brett Farms gonna set a record.

So then it's down to Sinbad's got to fix Phil Hartman's attitude. Honestly, like, Kim Grease is the only one here who's kind of like getting off Scott Free. She's not a great mother to those kids, but like she does not have any support system whatsoever from Phil Hartman. Not at all. He's too fucking busy. And Zimbed's like, get your head out of it. of your ass. Your kids are terrified of you. You're treating your wife like fucking

garbage. You know, you're letting your boss screw over your wife's business, which by the way, if that goddamn yogurt store closes, that's half your fucking income, dummy. You'll have to move out of your mansion. Yeah, totally. You now live with

like an entrepreneur. Yeah. She has a huge business. Take it and that's kind of the shitty thing about this whole movie. It's, it's battling Phil Hartman with this, like, shitty, like, take back your manhood vibe. And it's really doesn't, like, come through at the end because he's just kind of being an asshole anyway. He doesn't learn anything.

I mean, really, the things that change in this movie are absolutely nothing. Like, as we, so he, you know, Phil Hartman, like, goes and stands up to his boss and says, you know, fuck you, I quit. And he puts ice cream with this old bed's face. It's pretty great. He also calls him a bigot, which is awesome. Bigot's a great one. Like, because, I mean, racist gets thrown around a lot and it's, it's, it's an edgier one. But calling somebody a bigot, that's like the moral high ground way to fucking put down a racist.

Especially when you're rubbing Froyo in the old man's face. I don't know. That's moral high ground at that point. Because he would probably kill that old man. Who the fuck knows what happens? It's moral delicious ground. How about that? And it's in front of his wife.

Oh, yeah, that woman's horrified. That's the woman that's set up career day. who did nothing to him. Nope. No, no, no. And, you know, everything's working out. He fixed the family, like, and, uh-oh, they get home and the mafia's there. Because the mafia's been closing in the whole movie, these two idiots and their boss,

who, by the way, is in love with, like, lottery scratch cards. Like, he's always got him. And, like, what kind of mafia is this? When you're playing the lottery every day. I think it says a lot to what kind of a person's Sinbad is that he's roped up with shitty mafioso. He can't even get the Don Corleone's or the Tony Sopranos coming after. Well, that's the thing is this kind of would remind me of like, if it wasn't the Sopranos,

it was the Walnuts. If Polly Walnuts was allowed to take over an entire crime organization, I think it might go down the shitter this way. It just runs the business into the ground. Because I can imagine Polly Walnuts with a bunch of scratchoffs being like, this is my way out of fucking Tony's grasp. Oh, yeah. Exactly. I thought it was a good idea, Tee. What do you want from me?

It would be great if at the end of this movie, you know how, like, in The Departed when Kevin Corrigan gets in trouble for, like, dealing drugs on Jack Nicholson's turf? Because you can't just be in the mafia. You need to, like, be connected. That's what I think this is, I think it's just this old man who has two goons. It says, hey, I'm in the mafia. Like, if the real mafia came and sat this old man down, like, I hear you're taking money from Sidbad now? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, you're going to take money from Sinbad? What Sinbad used to give us money, first of all. We get a taste of that Sinbad money. Taking mine from Sinbad, you're taking money from us.

Why don't you go to Ralphie Mae? See what you can get out of him. So they're at the house. They got a gun on the family. And again, like, why do the stakes need to be this high? There shouldn't be guns in this movie. Honestly, they really shouldn't because it's just, it's a goofy little comedy. And we're all kind of, like maybe he should have at the end, Jeffrey Jones.

should be the villain because he's going to out him and then like it doesn't matter and whatever the whole she's all that plot let's go through the whole thing that's fine but the mafia being there there there's like a fucking gun to this kid's head and it's like whoa whoa whoa the gun goes off at one point and pops little jimmy's basketball

like that could have been your brain kid there's a scene earlier where the little girl is just waving a gun around oh yeah she's like mommy says I shouldn't play with guns and she's holding this fucking luger at this guy's balls It's just like, why does it need to go to that extreme?

I hate when, you know, comedies can't, like, take one toke over the line with that tone, you know what I mean? And that's exactly what happens here. Like, they walk in the door. And it's like, Phil Hartman's, like, thanking Sinbad for saving the family. Like, he's getting a little frisky with Kim Grease. Like, something's going down upstairs tonight. You know what I mean? Like, thanks for shoving yogurt in that old man's face.

Let's fuck about it. And, like, it's all broken. the second they walk in and Phil Hartman's like oh my God a gun on my whole family well this seems like it's something out of a different movie entirely and for whatever reason

the guy from Fireflies there again and he's like well I'm really the Derek Martin or whatever his name is and he's like just because he's been cold on the trail of what's been going on in this movie and like we have to have everything come slamming back into Sinbad's face

at the same time Jeffrey Jones we haven't seen in 40 minutes is like hey is your son home and no he doesn't say that but he says he says ah this man's an imposter and i'm gonna fucking out him for the imposter that he is yeah and then just like you know so whatever like the whole thing is sort of fixed more or less they take sinbad off to get fucking killed they're like in the car's in bed yeah it's like oh well i guess this guy that we've lived with for a long weekend is just going to go off

to get shot like a horse okay grandma let's get out of here jo what's going on here come on i'll miss you i'm gonna miss you too sir Yeah, come I beat it, kid Honey, honey, please I appreciate everything you've done Bye Bye, bye guys Come on

Bye, come on my leg's killing me Let's get out of it Nice knowing you sinbad And like Thanks for the advice pal Yeah, thanks for saving my family Good luck getting murdered Hope there's an afterlife

You know And then like Phil Hartman's left with this other dude From Firefly And he's like Well no wonder we wouldn't have been good friends Because you're nothing like Sinbad And you know all this shit

You're like McDonald's at all do you? And then Jeffrey Jones turns around and he's like, you know what? I haven't had a milkshake in weeks. I am going to run that 5K. And you're like, what the fuck you're even doing here in the first place? He's like got like Jeffrey Jones, I'm sure there's like six scenes in the cutting room

floor with Jeffrey Jones. Preparing for this 5K. Because you don't even know about it. You're like, all right, I guess so. Like it's like he runs in and just as soon as he gets there he's like, oh, isn't school getting out? And he leaves. And you know, Phil Hartman's like, all right, I'm going to go fight the mafia. And his whole family's okay

with it. I'd be like, hey, dad, why don't we just call the police? Yeah, this is a serious call the police moment. Like, listen, this vagabond that we took into our house, he's just been kidnapped by the mafia, you know, whatever. They parked outside my home. Their license plate is this, this, this, this, this, this. Yeah. And so, you know, they track them down and it's a big, dumb chase scene. And of course, because it's in Sinbad, here and Phil Hartman are now running this 5K, they stop off to get ice cream. they stop off to get chicken. I'm surprised at the end of the movie, Mayor McCheese doesn't spell Sinbad from this.

It's like, give him the steak money to open his own McDonald's. It gives him to the key to the McDonald's fortress. And earlier in the film, Sinbad has scratched off a lottery ticket that he gets really excited about. So then the end of the movie is like he finally has collateral for these shitty henchmen.

And he's like, the dude's on the phone with the boss. And he's like, Oh, well, Sinbad said he's got a lotto ticket. And this guy's like, lotto tickets? What kind of a lotto ticket? And they just let him off the hook. Mickey Mouse Mafia, no thanks. Which you're in the same situation.

It's not like a scratch off like fucking like here it is. You could maybe win $500 if you stretch or a one. You've won a chance to go on a TV show where you might not win any money at all. It's like you got to spin a wheel of fortune wheel and you might win money. money like that's what the mafia settles with and why is the mafia going on television anyway that's not a great idea you're the mafia your job is to lurking the shadows so also they should break sinbad's kneecap just for the sake of it i mean these guys have been fucking tailing him for days and days oh yeah the one guy's on crutches due to all the shenanigans like at least break a kneecap to be like i never want to see your fucking sinbad face again i'll take you a lottery ticket but you got no thumbs left so the it literally fades to black on this dude dude saying lotto ticket and then it's like six months later and it's christmas time and sinbed's driving a nice car and you're like oh sinbed's kind of rolling in it what's going on here how could he possibly have finally made his millions that he's driving this Porsche or whatever and the way

he does it is he writes a best selling book about how to be a good house guest what are you even saying right now it's one page long have some fucking tact. And I mean, you see the cover of this book. He looks like fucking Dr. Phil on this thing. Of course he's wearing sweatpants. Yeah, he's wearing this real Steve Harvey tuxedo. And it's just like, well, whatever.

And it's a number one national bestseller. They stop by, like, you know, the camera's panning to this Christmas party. And this dude is like, oh, it's been sold out for months. Yeah, she's like, I keep trying to get in it, Bon. a noble and it's just sold out it doesn't make any sense why would anyone publish this book by this vagabond that does absolutely nothing and like it's not even at the end of the movie like the media finds out about this whole crazy mix up right nothing happens it's all insular but all of a sudden he just writes a fucking book about being a house guest and i mean Jeffrey jones has stopped working for toys for tots for the season and he's there drinking eggnog and there's a little gag about him and Carl the dog drinking the same eggnog. And he's there hitting on an adult woman, by the way, which is weird for Jeffrey Jones. Well, it's called throwing him off the scent, you know?

You got to play the part. Ted Bundy had a wife and kid, too. Not that Jeffrey Jones ever killed anybody. Let's not throw stones. He just wanted a boy to jerk off in front of his camera. Which is fine. No, it's not. Definitely not.

So the film ends with our two heroes outback Christmas time. jingle belling away while they barbecue and sing Chris to the tune of Christmas songs. You know what, wait, we haven't done this all episode. Just listen to some of this shit. We wish you a chili burger. We wish you a chili burger. We wish you a chili burger.

And a mug of cold beer. Load the grill with fatty meat. Put it on a bun. Eat, eat, eat. And then it goes into the credits are just this song. play the whole thing singing about you know

five golden onion rings it's a medley it's ridiculous transitions and the biggest defense to all of it where I'm not gonna play

because I can't even bring myself to him thinking about all this Phil Hartman shit he does the Clinton impression in the fucking song and he's doing

like Clinton eating fast food and all this shit and I'm like I saw that sketch it's great why put it in this there's a little

franks there's a little Frank Sinatra in there. There's a little Frank Sinatra also, yeah. I mean, it's kind of, I mean, I could almost get it because it's like the only time Phil Hartman can be Phil Hartman. Yeah, but he's just riffing in a recording studio. Yeah, this, this song is produced by the way. Like, so, but mix this. Can you imagine that job? There's a backing band. Oh, God. You're just in the studio like, oh, the levels on Sinbad were a little low in that take. Guess we got to just do this all over again, huh? Sing that cheeseburger line again? Yeah, you got it. Still got it. Still got it.

at Sinbad. That's the end of this movie. Would anybody recommend it? No, it's way too long. It's way, I mean, like, it's just about two hours. It's just about two hours. And, you know, I actually think, I mean, obviously I think Phil Hartman is, you know, incredibly gifted guy, you know, take it to you soon. Really hilarious. Sinbad, I also think, like, if you gave him a good script, he's a good physical comedian. He is. He could do, like, some of the physical comedy he does, even in this movie, is good enough, you know what I mean, to get you somewhere. I think that he was You know I mean Stand up his dog shit He could have been And he's actually almost He's a pretty fine actor

Aside from spike in the camera Like you know what I mean Like yeah that's unprofessional It's not as unprofessional as a cat I mean yeah just to know Kevin Uh no And I mean it's weird

Because like Actually I kind of think Jeffrey Jones is the best part of this movie He's the best part of life He's the best part of life He brings up a lot of levels And like there's a shitty ball washing gag which

no we're not going to talk about but he makes a shitty gag work because he's actually dedicated to it and nobody else even Sinbad because he's always on fucking you know 11 he's always turned up to 11 yeah so you can't even credit him with like

bringing some energy to it because he's just sputtering out the whole time Jones actually has energy and he's actually doing these things and you can read more about it in my tell all unsanctioned autobiography Jonesen. It's going to be three nose all around.

I'm not going to recommend it either. And for all the same reasons, you guys also mentioned, I do think Sinbad has his moments. Not in this movie, but he has had moments and other things. He's actually pretty funny in Jingle all the way. He makes a good Arnold Schwarzenegger foil. But, you know, I feel it's because the spotlight's not entirely on Sinbad. Same thing in necessary roughness.

It's not a Sinbad movie, but the parts where you're dealing with Sinbad, it's totally tolerable. and at some moments legitimately funny. Yeah, he's comic relief at the very most. Right, but you just can't turn the spotlight on that for two doggone hours. And they didn't learn their lesson. I mean, fuck it, first kid is worse than this. I never saw it. I mean, I remember the big spitball gag, but whatever.

I will say this. The flick was directed by a fellow named Randall Miller, and he's got a movie coming out this year, which is the I don't know how I feel about this the CBGB biopic kind of thing with like everybody

under the suns in that movie so that's kind of weird but here's you know this is kind of it makes more sense two other directorial efforts from this fella the sixth man

with Marlon Wayans is a ghost and Kidin plays class act by the way oh yeah that might be a stay too he also directed a television show

didn't he Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's right. He was series director on Salute Your Shorts. That's his magnum opus. It is his magnum opus. And Ugg has a little cameo in this movie. Ug plays the guy who works at the country club where they go golfing. And I did not recognize him. You pointed out to me. And I was like, my God, there he is without his suntan lotion on his nose and his dumb wig. Unbelievable. It's like seeing like Kermit the Frog just in a movie. You know what I mean? Like, and nobody's called, and he's got a different. haircut like he's got a wig on you're like is that oh my god what that's Kermit the Frog I didn't know he did know that thing oh he's just in that movie that's weird

what is Kermit the Frog doing in Wall Street speaking of the Frog of Wall Street if you want to get a hold of us check out the website WHM Podcast.com we got a Facebook page like us on there follow us on Twitter at WHM podcast right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com

you can subscribe to the show in iTunes if you do so right review there. You can also download the Stitcher Radio app and stream the show on the go. And by the way, you can always download the episodes directly from the web page as well. Blame it on Outerspace. Eric Siska's Conspiracy Theory Takedown show every first Wednesday of the week.

They present a new episode taking down a new conspiracy theory or spooky paranormal tale. Blame it on Outerspace.com for more info. They are also on Facebook and Twitter as well. This Friday we are at the People's Improv Theater 9. 9.30 p.m. tickets available on the Facebook page

well not on there but you can link to it from there on the event page buy tickets they're only eight bucks come out we're doing cocoon to the return Brimley Gutenberg the whole gang are back for more except Brian Dennehy notable absentee from that film notable holdout

yeah yeah with good reason and you get Elaine stretching the trade yeah they dealt Dennyhee away and picked up stretch and she's and she's just as scary She is just as scary. They didn't have the little luxury tax and they had a little money for Stritch.

And of course, the new theme song brought to you by our friends at Hurrah, bolt of light, hurrah bolt of light.com. The record, Hello, is available in the iTunes store. Pick it up. Good old-fashioned bootstomping rock and roll. Next week, we're back with another listener request. The final one of this listener request month,

my how time flies. Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Say that. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.