We Hate Movies - S3 Ep113: Godzilla (1998)

Episode Date: June 4, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang ducks and covers when Godzilla comes to New York in the 1998, American re-boot, Godzilla! This year's Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza kicks off with questions like: how is Matthew Broderick an action star? Where is Godzilla hiding in New York City? And was Roland Emmerich really sticking it to Roger Ebert? Plus: Mayor Bloomberg battles Godzilla! Godzilla stars Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo and Hank Azaria; directed by Roland Emmerich. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Siddak. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Happy summer blockbuster extravaganza. Hey, thanks. Oh, hey, Godzilla. Eric, move down. Godzilla wants to sit there. Oh, my God. That's right. Just as promised last week, 1998's Godzilla, directed by known Hollywood felon Roland Emmerich.

Not like a felon in, like, the legal sense, but in like Hollywood law. He's just a multiple offender, huh? He really is. You could do like a whole blockbuster month on his fucking movies. Although I still stand by Independence Day more or less. It's okay. It's fun. Is that one of those like, I'm just looking back?

I mean, I haven't seen it in a long time. It's a lot of fun. I mean, no, I'm not going to shit talk into Independence Day. I liked it as when I was a kid. But if I was like this grown up jaded New York cynical prick that I am today. Sure. Oh, I thought this was an if situation. I was going to be like, have you heard yourself for 106 episodes?

I perhaps wouldn't have liked it as much. But it holds up to me. Why could they never get that sequel together? What's the news there? Oh, God. Who is holding out? I mean, that's a license to print money, though. Or at least it was 10 years ago.

You know, guaranteed summer 2014 you're doing ID 4-2. Yeah. Guaranteed. Although, what are the odds they're coming back on Independence Day? Will Smith will do it. Of course he will. So long as his son can be like a fucking a little general or something. Like there's any way you can fit that fucking kid into a movie.

L-I-L-L-A-L-A-L-A-Postrophy General. And then I want us to open on Bill Pullman's Presidential Library Opening. Oh, wow. Good call. Yeah. Because that's where the aliens really strike. Oh, yeah. They start burning books like the Nazis. This movie's going to say something, Steve.

Oh, finally. And then Little General has to come and say, well. ball that would suck though if it was like a passing of the torch and will smith's in it for like two minutes it's called after id4 oh actually though how about this he's only in flashbacks because he was killed in afghanistan oh so we still go to afghanistan after all that i would hope in this alternate timeline would have got our shit together no no no we still just couldn't straighten it out listen if you're not if you're not going to let aliens attack New York. You're sure his shit ain't going to let Osama have been lauded.

So contrary to what you've just heard, this isn't an episode on Independence Day, but rather on Godzilla, the movie he made a few years after Independence Day. Which I don't understand how sort of low rent this cast is after Independence Day. This should be a bigger movie through and through because Independence Day made a shit ton of money. Yeah. He's a name. Godzilla's a name. Godzilla's the fucking star of the show. Godzilla's Hollywood royalty, or at least Toho royalty, you know. But, yeah, no, I don't understand that. And I'm just going to quickly look over this ye old filmography of his here just to make sure that I, you know. Mr. Godzilla's.

No, Godzilla's filmography is a little repetitive. I'm talking about it. He's usually in movies that are his names in them. Well, you know, we're going to see Roland again this summer with White House down. Right. And then let's just work backwards here. Anonymous. What the fuck was that?

Anonymous was that William Shakespeare movie, which is hilarious. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, what if he didn't really write his own plays? Yeah. Oh, a movie with talking in it? Yeah, there's a little bit of swashbuckling because apparently this Shakespeare was a bit of a rogue. Oh, did he, like, throw barrels of gunpowder and steal pints of wine and... For the first part of that, I was like, you know, he's not Donkey Kong, right?

But it's Roland Emmer. Rollin' Everick's Doggy Cog. Sign me up. All right. So let's see. 2012, which came out in 2009. 10,000 BC, which I didn't see, but I can presume is terrible. I don't think there's anybody in that movie. No, I think it was just like Apocalyptic. He just decided to hire no ones.

A bunch of Sabretoothed tigers. Could have used a little general. The Day After Tomorrow, the Patriot, which I didn't know he directed. I think that's kind of a good movie. The Mel Gibson one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, does the White House blow up in that one, too, or no? I don't think they had the White House yet.

Yeah. They have a little general at least. They got a little White House. The White Shag. So then Godzilla Independence Day. Forgotty directed the Stargate movie, which I stand by is being pretty good. I liked it. I like it.

Universal Soldier. And then that's kind of it. Then it's just a bunch of stuff nobody's heard of. Is he getting like all sorts of back-end stuff from all those stars? Stargate spinoffs? I don't know. I mean, he didn't create Stargate. Yeah.

So maybe there's like a bunch of fractions of a penny just sitting somewhere. You know, royalties are an interesting thing. I saw Mark Maren tweet the other day that he got a royalty check from Almost Famous for $50. $50. He's got like one line in that movie. That ain't bad. Was there like a recent Blu-ray release? Maybe that's added up over the last like 10 years.

Did Kate Hudson actually kill herself? I don't know. She's doing fine. Oh, Godzilla. I'm sorry, Godzilla. It's not getting so angry. So this is kind of like, it's a Godzilla origin story all over again. Which you want.

Yeah, you know, because no one's remembering how Godzilla booted up the first times or the first 30 times, however many Godzilla's there are. And we start off with this amazing opening credit montage. of lizards witnessing atomic detonations and it's just like it's all these close-ups of lizards like the horror of nuclear testing and and since you know they remember from the last godzilla's being remnants of world war two's nuclear bombs it's really the birth of their anti-American sentiment the lizards yeah bunch of pinko lizards you're saying Potentially, potentially.

Lizards hate America, just FYI. Well, that's what Godzilla's whole bag is in this movie. He hates fucking capitalism. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't know where he got his red streak from. But I think it's from, I mean, these, later we find out that these nuclear bombs are actually from the filthy French,

but. The French are all over this movie. The French are all over this movie. All right. So Godzilla, just like you always thought, you know, there's a Japanese fishing boat and something attacks it. You don't see what it is because this Godzilla looks terrible and you have to show it as little as possible when you get going or else people are immediately going to check out of your movie, as opposed to like an hour later when, you know, you're kind of just invested in this shitty movie. You're stuck with that Godzilla. He is just nowhere in this movie.

It's a cameo role. There's a lot of like Godzilla's fucking crotch, though. There's a whole lot of, like, the camera going under Godzilla. Yeah. Oh, look at Godzilla's balls. And it looks terrible. It really looks terrible. It looks like a PlayStation 1 cutscene.

You know what I mean? It's really, really bad. Yeah, it did not hold up. So the one difference between this Godzilla and every other Godzilla that's ever been made or the 2014 one that's coming out with Brian Cranston, this movie features Matthew Broderick singing in the rain while singing in the rain of laughing at clouds

so dark up the sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love oh man there's your action hero everybody like all right so you had Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum

who could kick the shit out of Matthew Broderick, don't worry about it. Oh, absolutely, with one hand tied behind their mussely backs. And just you get Matthew Broderick. Hello, everyone. I'm here to fight your Godzilla. But first, you're going to see me studying radioactive worms in Chernobyl. Isn't that exciting?

Wait, where are you going? Hold on. This is a big summer blockbuster. Get back here, little general. So you got Broderick. He's studying these worms. at Chernobyl and you know he's like by goodness radiation's making these worms grow 17% larger than last year and I'm like wasn't this a movie that had its own hot sauce like Congo like where is the fucking action worm science experiments is what we're getting first off well there's exciting government planes landing and they're like you're the only we found you you're the only man that could understand why Godzilla's Godzilla And, like, really, you flew all the way to the Ukraine to kidnap this guy?

Like, he's the only one that can help you out with your little boat accident. They didn't send anyone there was, it wasn't a little general. It's more of a grown general. And, like, these military men come. It's like, you can't just, like, say, come back to here and here. Like, you got to fly a chopper to the Ukraine to Chernobyl. That's, that's far away. They demanded instant results from him.

So what better way than just kidnap them? You send a memo to the Ukraine. That's another like three weeks you're waiting for any correspondence. That's true. That place is so crooked you couldn't get anything in there. You try to shoot. There's no fucking web address for Ukraine. It's just dot UKR-A-I-L-E and then it goes nowhere.

You send a letter to the Ukraine. It comes back beaten up saying I'll never go back. It's because I filled with worms that are a little larger than they should be. 17% larger than they should be. Hey, did you hear that? Nobody? Oh. By myself again.

He does talk to nobody in Chernobyl. So he's doing this. And then we're also introduced to Jean-Ranoe, the French faction of this movie. And he's a mysterious character in this film. You don't really know why he's there, what he's doing, but he's all powerful and has seemingly endless funds to do things. I mean, he's all sorts of terrible,

but he's the best part of this movie to me. He is because he's Jean Reno and he's great and pretty much everything that he's in. Yep. But I mean, when you're fucking in Godzilla... I think the best part of this movie is maybe the rain. You're a big fan of that rain, huh? The water was very convincing.

There's so much rain in this movie. I expected, like, Morgan Freeman to come around a corner talking about how he's getting ready to retire. Oh, no, Godzilla. Godzilla has the upper hand now. California State. away from here her pretty head

but he just puts his hat on and walks away because we're still in lazy seven I'm gonna go play poker at the library after hours good luck with Godzilla cutting all of his fingertips off he doesn't want

prince heaven forbid they'll know it's Godzilla he made me fucker Morgan Freeman playing poker in the library the wall falls out and then he's just like I'll see that

Bettenraise it So there's a There's an elderly Japanese man Who's the sole survivor Of this fishing boat disaster And You know Jean Reno

Goes over And he's being kind of disrespectful to this old man He's waving like a lighter In his face Which this dude's like Super radioactive I guess Because like the flames

Changing color and shit Like this dude has Quite literally seconds to live I will give this movie one thing. It's not racist to the Japanese, which almost any other Godzilla movie would... You know what I mean?

Like, that fucking lost world has that horrifically race. It's like, oh, no, he's Godzilla! Inspector Gadget with everybody's favorite loser, Matthew Broderick, is like, oh, no, he's Godzilla again and again. There's so much Western racism portrayed on the Godzilla movies, and it's just partially, I guess, it's the dubbing that happened, but also it's like our own racism, being just... projected onto a foreign movie as a way

to get into it. Steve, stop making that voice. We're trying to enjoy Godzilla. So this dude, of course, has to be the one, you know, they're like, Jean Renaud is all like, what did you see? What did you see, old man? And he's just like, Gorgera. And you're like, all right, well, there it is. Got that

right out of the way, did you? Perfect. So, you know, the scientific community is finally hip to what everyone's already hip to because we bought a ticket to a movie called Godzilla. Exactly. I don't understand those scenes.

Like, what did you see? We all know what he saw. We were there, and we know we're sitting in a theater seeing Godzilla. We get to see Godzilla, inherit his trust fund, learn a bunch of karate.

That's why he was out east. Yeah, he's finding himself a bit. Yeah, you're not, Godzilla's not in there with you. You're in there with Godzilla. that's that's godzilla in prison hops a train i mean godzilla

cubsony like it should just be godzilla in new york like why does he come here oh my god let's figure it out so he's two hours and 25 minutes long it's an insane runtime this movie is so bloated with so much like just running in circles including this like they drag matthew broaderick all the way to japan to be like well hey what's going on he's like well i don't really know and then they're like oh

Well, there's other boat washed up on the shore in Jamaica. So let's drive all the way to the other side of the world and pick this movie back up there. And he's just like, well, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be looking at. And of course he's standing in Godzilla's fucking footprint. And everyone goes, yay, for some reason. He's just like, I don't know. I don't need to see his fucking footprints. It's almost like they made this movie assuming that no one would ever see a trailer for it.

or know what Godzilla was beforehand. I mean, that's kind of impossible, right? Unless you're trying to get like a 10-year-old kid to see this movie, which the trailer is going to do anyway. You could call it fucking, you know, Skip the Lizard comes to the Big Apple. That's a more American name. Skip the lizard. Because Godzilla, what is that?

Hey, I'm Skip. In America, it would be either Skip or, hey, that God, damn god lizard god lizard because that's what it means right it does mean don't use god's name but vaid godzilla you think you're god i only worship

one idol and it is not you godzilla g d zilla i call him x zilla because i don't like to use the lord's name and pay this giant lizard's got a war on christmas that i do not appreciate.

I will say Merry Christmas to you, Ex-Zilla, whether you like it or not. He stepped on the tree down by the mall. Can't get much more war on Christmas than that. So there's a cast of fun character. So you've got your Matthew

Broder. He's rushing to Godzilla as slow as he can get there. You know, Jean de Noe is, and then we're in New York, and we see this up-and-comer plucky, plucky, reporter who's never been in a movie before or since as far as I could tell. I mean, her name is Maria Petito.

And tell me if you saw her in anything else, anybody. I mean, like, you're right. You're coming off of Independence Day. Where's your Claire Danes? Where's your... Yeah, just anyone in the 90s. Get your... Jennifer Aniston would have done it, I bet.

Just any... I mean, I guess that's a testament to how terrible this script looked to people. Like, you got to get Maria Pettie. Piteo. They could have gotten a lot of people in there for that role and just Godzilla wouldn't work with them. It's too difficult. Picky old Godzilla. Well, you do need to get a blonde because their skin types work with Godzilla's skin types. You need a lot of screen tests. Well, it's also that whole like King Kong type of thing. Right. It's ill-influenced. Can we see those

Superman screen tests with like Christopher even like a really shitty like Clark Kent outfit with a bunch of different actresses. I'm imagining that with Godzilla. Godzilla and Lisa Kudrow. They actually went through the whole friend's cast. Godzilla, you just have to pick one. Shouldn't it give him final cut on casting. I know you heard that.

You were supposed to. Godzilla really fought for Cicely Tyson, but the marketing people just wouldn't go for it because they didn't think her kissing Godzilla would work out okay on screen. I mean, so this woman's a fucking shitty reporter She's like a fact checker She's trying to make her way in And lucky enough

There's a big news story Swimming its way over there And like Harry Shearer is in this movie And he does this really This happens a lot in movies where it pretends That like sexual harassment Isn't the most fucking litigated thing in the universe Where he goes up to her he's like

Hey baby If you sleep with me I'll give you a big story Oh well you just lost your job Okay great thank you very much I just got your job You're just saying that. I appreciate it. It's still the 90s. You can have fun with sexually harassing women. But you know what, though? It was the late 90s, and we already had disclosure.

So we saw that those tables could be turned, and we saw how dangerous those tables were to begin with. Absolutely. And the perils of virtual reality for some reason. It would be great if Godzilla started working in that office. And Harry Shearer did not like her. and it didn't matter No, absolutely not So yeah, Harry Shear is

One of three Simpsons cast members That appear in this movie So we got him Then we have everybody's favorite Hank Azaria as Animal The Cameraman Come on Because it's, you know, some sort of

He used to be a drummer, right? Back with the Muppets This guy could have easily been a drummer in like a jersey fucking hair metal band in like 85 Oh for sure Oh the Colby Animal Hey why is that

No reason His name's Victor Animal Pilate by the way As case anybody was curious Who's a third Simpson by the way? I didn't even catch it Nancy Cartwright plays Godzilla

And Nancy Cartwright As Godzilla as Godzilla As the voice of Godzilla She is like a secretary at the news office. That's stupid scene where like Godzilla's walking

by the office building and Harry Shear's like well we just haven't had a story in weeks and she's like I think what's right behind you instead of like oh fuck like when you saw a gigantic lizard

that's you're in a 50th 40 story building and she'll listen like I would say oh fuck and start running and go shit in my pants this is like immediately actually shit in my pants

that would be a good movie is you and a Godzilla movie and it just focuses on you and just stumbling around shitting your pants every time I see him while brave Matthew Broderick steps over you

to go save the day Oh man I would so be a fucking second fiddle to Matthew Broderick You have to stop shitting your pants and we'll never stop this big lizard I'm braver than you and I'm Matthew Broderick Who has

A super Greek name by the way his name is Niko Tatopoulos. And do you see how easily I just said Tatopolis, by the way? Because I can fucking read. The running gag in this movie is Hey, Tata Poppolis, Tata Popolus, all these fucking morons in this movie

mispronouncing this poor bastard's name. Like, it's the funniest. It's almost as if, like, they were like, you know what no one's ever heard of, ever? A Greek last name. No one in America's ever heard a Greek last name. So we're just going to pretend

Like it's the wackiest thing That's ever been put on screen Maybe this is something he has to live with In his everyday life As far as I can tell Most of America's never heard a Polish last name But you know what though This name Tautopoulos

Not a lot of silent consonants Swimming around I'm gonna put that out there You say every letter that you see I wasn't fortunate enough to be Greek Not one of Zeus's chosen people this is a dicey episode well you know what

those those take it to Mount Olympus keep it there oh man what if Zeus stopped Godzilla well that'd be cool Zeus v. Godzilla ooh I don't even think the Japanese came up with that one well that's kind of the I mean here's the thing is Godzilla's a lot of fucking fun

because it's a big old fucking monster he goes in and he bashes shit up and then you know what if the formula gets tail put another fucking monster in there shake up the fucking ant farm Yeah, totally. Not, there's, there's so much science and, like, looking at charts and wondering what his fucking breeding habits might be. So much analyses of, like, the life of Godzilla.

It's like, if I wanted to read his fucking autobiography, you know, my time to shine by Godzilla, you know, I'd pick it up at my local bookstore. But I'm here watching a Godzilla picture, and I want to see him stomp around and throw things. And it's taking so much time with this stupid pseudoscience, watch it garbage. And then it's, then it has like, it's, it's glib enough to show the New York City Skyline and be like, the city that never sleeps. By the way, that's what happens. They show New York. It doesn't say New York City. It says, the city that never sleeps.

Are you serious? I miss that. Oh, fucking, God damn it. Kill yourself. And take it a page out of every Michael Bay movie ever is like, you know, if there's a big terror in New York, well, this is very Armageddon where like everyone's just being hilarious, like, side character. This guy's like, oh, I went out fishing every day for the last hundred years. I'm going to get a big fish today. And he bugs at the camera and everybody claps.

That fucking homeless fisherman character, which by the way, you know, for non-New York City listeners out there, no one ever fishes in the East River ever because it's poison. Hell, the Hudson's poison. The ocean's poison here. You eat that thing. You're going to be, Godzilla. if Godzilla shows up and he can't stop throwing up because he's in the East River for a while. His organs are liquefying.

It's like he gets up on land and lets out like a big roar. Matthew Broderick's like, oh, no. And then he just falls over and dies on his own. Well, that was easy. I mean, so it's a Godzilla movie, right? I mean, I think that's why they were like, oh, we got to beef it up a little bit. Let's add in science and hilarious side characters

and explanations nobody fucking asked for. It's all about this girl's sort of journey to become the world's greatest news reporter. Right. And, like, you know, she's all like, oh, I'm a woman, and I'm so afraid to ask any... Like, her boss sexually harassed her, and she's like, oh, well, like, just sits down and stews about it,

like a Kathy cartoon. Well, so... Run out of air over there, huh? But, yeah, so, you know, she meets up with Hank Azaria. They're, like, work friends and whatnot. and Hank Azaria's heinous wife in this movie This is a fucking despicable piece of shit character Because she's like

I hate this shit She's a cartoon New York stereotype That has more than one line I can't suffer through it Well so's his area I mean you're giving him a lot of You give him a pass because he's Hankazaria But he's fucking all New York over

I mean it's the script You know what I mean? Right yeah But it's a lot Yeah you're right though You're right Because there's one of those like contentious Italian

couples like I'm gonna beat the shit out of you you piece of garbage oh yeah you pain in the ass get over here there's also that hilarious line where she's like you know Godzilla's doing his thing and she's like oh man we gotta go back to Jersey where it's safe Audrey's gonna sleep over

tonight and he's like oh awesome threesome which is one of those jokes that people make but every time they make it they're totally serious there's like a 30% like part of that pie challenge That's like, he's being serious right now. He says it with like his fingers crossed behind his back.

Like, come on, fall for it. And then she's kind of into it. And then he's just like, oh, oh, really? Oh, weird. I was totally joking, but that's all right. Yeah, I mean, you're sure. I mean, if you want to, I'm here. He makes some crack about like, oh, yeah, I hope so.

I'm a little tired tonight. And it's like, hey, by the way, Godzilla's here. It's like, they know all. already that Godzilla's hanging out. He's like trying to angle at threesome. Let's mention this. Yeah, Godzilla has arrived in the town. That fisherman pulled him up and he's there to stay. Why is nobody freaking out as much as they should be?

This is like 10 9-11s. Here's why, okay? Because... Keep the finger of Godzilla is a 9-11. I'm sorry to say that it is. It is. No, it's a fucking, like, it's the worst. thing that's ever happened to the city yeah you get out of town and the thing is though this is

why i think no one's freaking out all at once one because the internet wasn't really a thing so not a lot of people had that but it was there i mean it was there but it's not like now you couldn't be fucking putting up an instagram of godzilla knocking your house down but you know so there was that i hope that's in the new movie by the way some shitty kid i'm gonna use the ex pro two filter on this Godzilla image Instagram filter jokes no the other thing though is they posit in this movie

that somehow Godzilla the king of the monsters is able to hide in New York City they say this like eight times like well we lost him again and Kevin Dunn's like well how'd you lose him

he's like well he's just hiding somewhere it's such a big city it's city that never sleeps eight million stories in the naked city. It's like, shut the fuck up. How does a monster hide? He puts on a Yankee cafe, it goes to Times Square.

Watch the regular criminals get caught in like a minute, and they're people-sized. The best part about underreacting to Godzilla is Godzilla's fucking shaking the world, right? Godzilla's all over the place. And five minutes later, this Audrey character

is taking a fucking F train. She's just, the subway would still work? Are you fucking kidding me? Guess what? Sometimes it doesn't work when it rains too much. Exactly. So no. The station gets flooded, that a little alarm goes off and no train service.

There's no signal problems because at Godzilla, yeah, give me a fucking break. Speaking of train traffic and complaining to someone in New York City, the mayor in this film, oh man, this is so fucking disgusting. And it sucks to have to talk about it now, you know?

But so, in this movie, we have we've got Roland Emmerich's response to bad reviews he received from Roger Ebert over the years, and it's Mayor Ebert, and it's just this pudgy character actor made up to look

like Roger Ebert, and he's just chomping down on Hershey's kisses and being a big fat pig, and he's got an assistant named Gene that he treats like garbage. The actor's Michael Lerner, he's in a ton of, he's a lot of Cohen stuff, he's big in, Barton Fink, yeah, and he's great. He's actually

like totally fine in this as like a big like I'm a blustery mayor idiot like he does that comic fine but it's got to do with rod the thing is aside from him being overweight you don't you're not like taking a stab at roger eber you're not taking a stab at roger eber you're saying like like the character like eats he's like oh i want some chocolate he's just like eating a couple of hershey kisses like kind of a little too fast like wow really nailing him to the fucking wall emrick good job and you know what's great Roger Ebert gave this movie

a bad review what a fucking shock like it's just heaven forbid anyone fucking doesn't like Independence Day it wasn't allowed from 1995 to 1999 it wasn't

you weren't it was like that you weren't allowed to dislike like Ace Ventura like any 90s Jim Carrey movie if you spoke out against the quality of the mask you'd be crucified as a prig

hey come here a prig we're going to crucify you. So the thing that's really shitty, by the way, is this Audrey character, this unknown actress Maria Piteo. Her whole thing that's really shitty in this movie and they don't treat it like it's shitty, but it's the worst thing ever. So they're in this diner. Hank's area is making the cracks about the threesome and whatnot. And she looks on the TV and she sees Matthew Broderick being filmed by a, you know, a news camera as being part of, like he's recruited by the army and he's walking around with them and everything. And she's like, well, say, that's my college sweetie up there. And then she, like, steals press credentials to get close to him. And then this is what you mentioned, Steve, about. She's trying to, like, make herself, like, a badass news journalist, whatever. She steals, like, top secret tapes from Matthew Broderick's office or his, you know, command center tent and uses them for professional gain. And it's not vilified whatsoever.

she's like, I'm sorry. She's just so fucking cute. It's like, I don't know. I mean, also, by the way, speaking to Matthew Broderick's command center tent, they're both, they say college was eight years ago and she just left right after college. Matthew Broderick still has her picture all over his fucking little workstation. Oh, absolutely. That's fucking creep city.

And he has stated that it's been a long, long, long time since he had a lady friend. that is mentioned in the development of his character Because that's what I'm going to see Godzilla for Getting the update on Matthew Broderick's sex life You know who we could have fucked in this movie? Nico Tapalapalapas See, it's still hilarious when you mispronouncing Greek names If they're both just sitting on the fucking pier

Pier 17 or what have you Him and Godzilla like well I don't know Zilla she just I just never liked anybody else I know I should assert myself You know who he could have fucked in this movie Is Hollywood Hot Poy He could have fucked Godzilla I would have liked to see that

Maybe one of Godzilla's babies We'll get to do it later No Hollywood hot plate Vicky Lewis The actress from news radio Who's never not played a horn dog Ever in anything He's just like

Gauga Matthew bro Yeah, she's, they're like driving in a car, like in Jamaica, and she's like, so what does your wife think about all this? And he's like, oh, no, I'm not married. I don't even have a girlfriend. And she's just like, no girlfriend, huh? Can I stop the car or you appear to be jerking me off? I wasn't expecting that.

I thought this was a science experiment. No, it's a Tex-Avery cartoon. Oh, no, my penis is irradiated. It grows 17% larger. Thanks, Vicki. And Godzilla. Oh, no. We used Acme brand condos.

And then a piano falls on it. So, yeah, she steals these tapes. She's a real fucking jerk about it. And, like, Matthew Broderick's taken off the case. Like, he's running the. this investigation and he finds out actually because he gives Godzilla a bunch of pregnancy tests

by the way this is the biggest load of shit ever also he tests the blood it's like Godzilla pissed on something I mean you can I think he can still use blood okay yeah I think it's just one of those things like you know you don't have to cut yourself open if you're just peeing on something

is how that works it would be great there's that terrible scene where Hank is there he's trying to get a shot at Godzilla and he's like oh Godzilla give me a smile baby and like Godzilla steps on him and he like steps through the toes He's like in it with his toe cracks It'd be great to fucking

Guzzle just pees on him afterwards Just covered in piss There needs to be In this new Godzilla coming out next year There needs to be Godzilla Pissing on someone You think he's going to piss on Brian Cranston? That would be great

That would be really great Instant 5 star review for me Godzilla pisses on Brian Cranston. More in this pregnancy test stuff. It's like they developed these at-home pregnancy kits for human females

and this is a gigantic asexual lizard male. From the future of science, it's 109 feet tall with radiation going all throughout its body. Like, is he's radioactive too?

Oh man, he pisses on someone and they start vomiting blood and their teeth fall out and their hair fall out, they just die. Godzilla just starts giving birth to all sorts of chuds. Oh man! That'd be great. A trot outbreak from the Godzilla. It's really end times. You know, that's what I appreciate about fucking Cloverfield. Because Cloverfield makes no goddamn sense

whatsoever. Like, yeah, yeah. People get scratched by it, they turn into monsters. There's little Cloverfields coming out for no goddamn reason. It's not like, they don't cut to the scientists. It's like, oh wait i'll explain this for 24 minutes you're absolutely right like i don't like cloverfield because i fucking hate found footage movies but like you're absolutely right it's just a fun monster movie that doesn't give a shit you know it doesn't feel the need to explain every little thing and eric they get around the whole like it's a pregnancy test developed for human females

by matthew broaderick saying like i especially need pregnancy tests that use high concentrations of this chemical and that chemical. So we shroud the logic by using a bunch of fancy science words. All I got is pregnancy tests for King Kong and I got a Dracula pregnancy test and a hell-raiser test test. Now, your girlfriend isn't a centobite, is she?

Because you might be having yourself a couple of little pinheads. Oh, man. probably hurt coming out or do you do you think maybe the pinheads come in during puberty that's probably likely yeah it's probably like a zit situation yeah because also I do recall

not all the centobites are pinheads but pinhead is a cenobite yeah yeah sort of the SAT question oh he's like a different like race yeah the centobites are like these species races I could not there's like not a a horror

franchise that I'm less interested in that than the Hellraiser movies, but I still sat down and watched, like, the first five. But, yeah, they're called Centobites, I believe. All right. Adam Scott's in one of those movies playing like a 1750s, you know, a powder wig wearing motherfucker.

It's one of the Hellraiser features that deals with sort of bouncing through time. Oh, that's fun. Oh, yeah, the Centa Bites excellent journey or something. So they're excellent. Pinhead's excellent adventure. So here's how this movie goes. Godzilla shows up, fucking shakes everything up,

walks through the MetLife building, which doesn't collapse, by the way. There's just a big dumb hole in it. That's so stupid. Like, you have no idea how, like, structures work. There's an outline of his briefcase. His little hat, too. It's like he was late to the office.

And then he disappears. Oh, no, he better get Godzilla out. here so like you had no one no one saw where he went see something say something a million god damn people no one knows where the godzilla went shut up it's so dumb and like at one point yes everybody he is burrowing in the subway you know who's down in the subway everybody because it's new york city and everyone's always using the subway someone is going to see godzilla he's not finding, like, the one abandoned Lower East Side subway station at 3 a.m. where no one's there, but you and your drunk friend who's pissing on the platform or something, you know.

Like, you're, it's so stupid to say that this fucking 50-story monster is going to hide somewhere. You hear somebody, like, at the other end of the platforms, yelling anti-Semitic things, you roll your eyes, like, oh, fuck. Of course. And then you look, it's actually Godzilla. I was a crazy homeless guy What a stinker It's Godzilla dressed up as that crazy racist Anti-Semitic Elmo that they keep arresting That guy is hilarious

He sure is I think isn't his name Adam Sandler I believe it is No relation I would hope that Yeah but the New York Times did a piece on him Which you should read because he made some Quasi legal movies out in like

Cambodia. I mean, this guy's got a whole story. It's a whole different podcast. And then it became irradiated and came back to New York. As Elmo, who hates, he was a self-hating Jew, yeah. Speaking of Elmo, there's a really shitty joke in this movie where they show like the newsroom. And I think it's supposed to be like Nancy Cartwright's kid is at the office that day. And he's just watching Barney. Get it everybody. You guys remember Barney? He was a dinosaur. Didn't he attack New York that one time? I think it was 98.

So Godzilla's pregnant. She's scared. She doesn't know what to do. She's Catholic. It's a problem. Godzilla is currently 16 and pregnant. Or actually, it's probably more accurately, Godzilla, I didn't know I was pregnant. That's a program on television.

I love Godzilla Juno. Godzilla's have a Jennifer Gardner's baby Godzilla's talking on that fucking clever Cheeseburger phone everybody loved so much Jason Bateman is making Godzilla all sorts of indie mixtapes Hey Godzilla you want to watch me play guitar for 30 minutes

I never planned on getting married Godzilla Here I'm going to play you this Husker do song Yeah you're right Right. It is from Zen Arcade. So there's this fish scheme they have. Yeah, basically it's a big bait and switch.

They decide let's put all the poisonous fish of New York Harbor in one spot so that the Godzilla will smell it and come and eat it and then we can strike. And instead of putting

this, because you know, Matthew Broderick says, you've got to have it come to you we don't have to go searching i know how hard it is to find a gigantic monster in new york city i mean come on even if they evacuated the city fly a helicopter around for a second you just find it just one i beg of you movie one second do a uh one sweep of the island you're finding it you're gonna find godzilla you're not fooling anybody with this dumb premise also poison the fucking fish they give him perfectly good fish yeah like if you're trying to kill Godzilla.

It roars in Matthew Broderick's face at this point though. I hate this. This happens twice in this movie. Godzilla gets like face to face with Matthew Broderick and for some reason doesn't eat him instantly. There's no eating of people

in this movie and I don't appreciate it. It's goddamn bullshit and additionally in this scene Godzilla roars in his face and you could tell and obviously Godzilla has bad breath. You would think that he would

start vomiting and like being so disgusted with him because he's covered in gook and slime. Well let me put it to you this way. Right up the street from this very apartment building there's a fish market. And when I walk by there after

they dumped their barrels full of water out into the sidewalk like it's fucking medieval France, it smells like garbage. And I want to throw up. And that's just from, you know, the fish market dumping out the what-nots of the day. Godzilla just ate like 20 tons of fish that they put in the Brooklyn Navy Yard and had him go to town on it. No, no, no, no. It should have been the Brooklyn Navy Yard. What they did was

they put it right outside the Flatiron building. Madison Square Park. And he's just like, oh, thanks. It's like, let's put it. Well, we could use some, you know, empty piece of land, put this fish there, maybe get Godzilla, kill him pretty easy. No, no, no. We need to destroy more iconic structures of New York. Well, because, real quick, the point I was making was it would smell a lot worse and he would vomit instantly. That's what I'm saying. Exactly.

You're right about the flat iron thing. But you're also forgetting this is a Roland Emric movie. And he loves blowing up famous structures. The flat iron gets it in this movie. The top of the Chrysler building gets it like nobody's fucking business. And you know who gives it to it? The fucking U.S. military. They keep going, oops, we blew up New York.

York. Oops, we did it again. Goddammit, Dennis, you got to shoot at where Godzilla's going to be, not where he is. Weren't you trained to anticipate the movements of giant lizards? This is ridiculous. I've seen postcards with that building's face on it before. This is an embarrassment. This is an embarrassment to the U.S. Army Monster Squad. It's great because they shoot two fucking sidewider with missiles at him.

Then he goes, oh, a dollar. and like leaped down and fucking they blow this shit out of this building looks like my luck is changing Godzilla is bugs bunny in this scene it is ridiculous find a penny pick it up

all the day I'll have good and then Godzilla gives him a slip he puts his fucking he puts his left turn signal on and turns right and no one can fucking find him give him the old 23 skadoo

See you later, boys, going uptown. And at this point, the military, thankfully, one of the guys, it just goes to the general, is like, Colonel, your campaign is a disaster. I'm like, yeah, it is. You're blowing the shit out of the buildings. The mayor, by the way, is for some reason in the war room. Nobody brings the mayor of New York anywhere near this.

Like, hey, mayor, you hang out with everybody else. Keep everybody company. Exactly. Like, let me tell you something. There's a gigantic monster invasion. Barack Obama's going to have something to say. about it. There's like sort of a governor character

but like I think it's one of those someone's talking to someone but you don't see who and he's like well that's another thing governor and I was like wait which man in this room is the governor it's just a bunch of dudes sitting around a table the governor should be a main character but no we really

got to keep fucking sticking it to Siskel and Ebert so Mayor Ebert is the highest authority you're right make it president even the president wouldn't be there but you would be talking to the president left and or right i don't think the president's mentioned once in this movie there's just me that one of those like michael bay-esque like long presidential speeches about like how sad it is that they have to blow up godzilla like in the rock like never before in my time and the fucking

planes are going i never thought out it would come to this godzilla i hoped i hoped we could coexist peacefully yeah when i took office and swore my oath i never imagined that a giant lizard would attack New York. I think nobody is that surprised or like it would take me days to get over the fact that there was a giant lizard in New York. I mean, yeah. I would never get over

it. I would never. I'd be one of those crazy people afterwards. I would never and ever would some crack of jokes and be like whoa, that was pretty close Godzilla. Like no. You are fucking losing your goddamn mind. There are people like there's a scene after Hank's

his area like shoots the initial like Godzilla footage that makes him kind of famous for two seconds. They go into what is clearly supposed to be like an old-timey, like reporter bar, and there's all these press people around, but they're all, like, drinking and having a great time, get out of the city. All these reporters are just sitting around, like, with their press credentials on, just like having a beer, smoking cigars. Yeah, because maybe their career will be made.

It's like, oh, my God, I thought I might have. to go to Syria but hey it came to us and everyone goes to Newark or whatever because like it's so close like they get evacuated to New Jersey that's not fucking far enough man I'm going I'm going down south all Godzilla has to do is you know turn right instead of left I mean it's it's nothing for him to jump over the Hudson River I mean who's to say that he you know he's he's not a jersey Brad who knows would Newark get safer with or without Godzilla kind of like you'd be like having the mafia run the streets like you know

yeah they're illegal and they're criminals but you know what it's a safer town sure the mafia and Godzilla working together and they both respect family which is important absolutely so at this point of the movie

Godzilla dons a fake mustache and no one can find him right and he just shits out all of his Godzilla babies and Matthew Brodice been kicked off the case because Audrey's a jerk and fucking totally outed him to the press. So now

at this point Matthew Broderick starts to work with Jean Reno because the French government is trying to kill Godzilla

because it's kind of their fault they feel bad about it. Yeah, so Jean Reno and his merry band of Frenchmen apparently worked

for the French Secret Service and he basically explains like you know the first place Godzilla was spotted was near like

French Polynesia or something and he's like so technically this huge, gigantic disaster in your backyard is actually kind of our fault. But it's like, there's no, they don't want to admit to it, which is the, like, they're there. It's very hush, hush, and they kind of kidnap Matthew Broderick. Like, he's, like, this is what's ridiculous.

He's about to leave, too. He's going to Newark Airport, and he gets in a cab. By the way, planes are still flying? Absolutely not. No way. There's a gun to lose. No way. No fucking way.

But he's going to the airport. He's in this cab, and it's hilarious because it's, like, airport this way. Cab goes that way, and he's like, excuse me, driver, I think. And, like, Jean Reno, like, locks the door. Like, you don't know it's Jean Reno, but the door's lock. And he's like, hey, hey, what is this? And I was just imagining it's like the beginning of the bone collector. When they fucking, the bone collector kidnaps that rich couple, they're, like, stuck in the cab.

And the guy, like, cuts his finger on the door. I thought it was going to be a zombie taxi. driver like in Ghostbusters. Man, it would be great if a retired, paralyzed Denzel Washington's the only man to stop Godzilla. Might as well. That'd be great. It's more entertaining

than Matthew Broderick. By the way, there's an amazing scene where Matthew Broderick is like, hey, by the way, all this radiation. He's explaining like his radiation theory and whatnot. And they all laugh in his face. And I was like, well, you're

bringing the radiation scientist here for some reason so you must know it has something to do with radiation and he just gave you an hypothesis that's based in radiation science and yet you laughed in his face why did you bring him here in the first place

we're just going to chuckle at him even furthermore they fire him and he's the only fucking guy that's got to read on Godzilla and Godzilla's on the loose and they're like ah he looked into the press can't trust this guy getting fired from something you didn't like necessarily apply to be a part of though

like that's kind of okay I'd be like well you're fucked now I'm gonna go west coast with this and of course basically you know Matthew Broderick knows you know subway there's a nest and all of us nobody gives the shit apparently like we didn't want to

hunt one Godzilla we'll worry about the next hundred when we'll have to worry about the next hundred but he's building an army an army of Godzilla's guys that's bad and when they're getting through these checkpoints to get like back into the part of the city where this nest would be

Jean Renault has to whip out a sick Elvis Presley impression. I'll thank you very much. Because they're driving through like this checkpoint and Jean Renauds driving the car and Matthew Broderick's like, let me do all the talking because I'll intimidate someone from the

armed services. And then like the dude's like you Oh, I didn't ask you anything, buddy. I'm talking to the driver right here. And then it's just Jean Renaud. And I think it might even be ADR. He's just like, like, like, like of a remorge. It definitely is.

Yeah, and you're just like, what the fuck? It's just one of the, it's so dumb. There's so many dumb gags related to Jean Reno. There's a running gag where he can't get good coffee in this town. Oh, oh, Jean Reno. It says French roast. I don't know. That's like a fake story that people tell about like trying to order.

or French toast in a restaurant and somebody gives them toast I am French, this is French toast That doesn't happen You're lying to me right now These American French fries are not The real French By the way, this is not even French

This is the middle 45 minutes of the movie Where Godzilla's nowhere to be found Much like last week we had Maniac cop without Maniac cop I mean we keep finding ourselves in these situations This is Godzilla without Godzilla Yep like he's there There's a lot of you know Godzilla smash

It's Manhattan. That city can eat you up. You get lost in there. You just get lost, swallowed up by the big city. It's not for everybody, Eric. You are right. Godzilla's lost weekend. I'd love it.

Godzilla decides he's really going to sit down and finish that novel. But then cut to like seven hours later, he's just selling his typewriter for Rye. It all went downhill. It started high. It visited filming locations of Annie Hall. That's the guy's a little Godzilla camera And then he got scammed

All his travelers checks are gone He lost his luggage at the airport So he's got no clothes A monkey street performer Stole his luggage Oh my gonna get home He's destitute He turns to prostitution

Oh man Godzilla working down on like 12th Avenue. It's like nine hookers and Godzilla. And for the clients that want something a little freaky. Godzilla on Craigslist? I'll buy it. M for G.

I always wanted to have sex with a lizard or god. Now I can do both. So Godzilla fucking shits all his babies all over Madison Square Garden. That's kind of where we are. It's the world's greatest arena. And it's the world's greatest fucking birthing grounds, apparently. And Hank Azaria is not too happy about this. Of course.

This is, it's another one of these stupid fucking New York lines. So basically, like, they go to follow Jean Reno, because they want to get to scoop. They look the fucking goonies. Like, they're, like, ten steps behind. Like, oh, this is fun. Well, it's just his goddamn ex-girlfriend, not giving him any space.

He's trying to save the world. And you're just tag it along to steal all his evidence. to give it to the press so I can get a job better Get job better? She's a terrible journalist If she can't talk right That's how bad she is

That's why they won't let her near anything There's such a bullshit I mean just to backtrack for a second Because I really want to hammer home How fucking despicable this woman is in this movie That scene right after Matthew Browdera gets fired Right before he gets in the bone collector's cab Yeah

He's putting like all his luggage in the trunk and she comes over and she's like yeah i stole your tape are you mad at me and he's like yeah i'm trying to save the world and you're just mucking up the work this is as mad as i get you can't tell how furious i am right now boy are my clams steamed oh wow that guy's really bad It's the passer-by. It says Godzilla. And she goes, well, you never said this was off the record. Like, no, actually, you have no journalistic integrity.

You have to tell me you're interviewing me when you're interviewing me. You also have to be a journalist. She's like, she's Harry Shears fucking assistant in this movie. She's not anything. She has fake press credentials that her friend made for her in a diner. And you're not supposed to steal things. Yes. Also, that's. Also, Godzilla commandment number five, thou shalt not steal in Godzilla-related situations. And she's just like, you know, well, I just, I always wanted to be a reporter and I just thought this was my big chance. And he's just like, yeah, good luck with your big career in the big city, boo. It'd be great. One ticket to the Ukraine, please.

Hey, cabby, Ukraine or bust? Well, they could fucking get him for treason for getting rid of this information because they fucking hung him. Well, good luck with it. He's going to take a taxi to the dark side. That's a dated ass joke. You know what? I liked it. Thanks.

You're welcome. Yeah, so Godzilla has all these eggs all over the place. And I mean, fuck it, flat for it a little bit. They reached the garden. And when Hank's area sees what's going on around here, he's just like, he trashed the garden. Oh, man. Now I'm pissed.

Really? The thousands dead didn't fucking rattle you at all. By the way, just in case anyone doesn't get it because Mayor Ebert doesn't understand that either. New York is closed indefinitely. Like, that's what happens here, by the way. It's closed for business for years and years. There's all this bullshit. Like, there's one part where, man, Mayor Ebert is trying to, like, walk through this crowd of people.

And he's like, I don't want to talk to these people. And his assistant, Jean is like, well, hey, mayor, listen, this is all your, you know, constituents from the local businesses around here. You better go talk to them because they're voting in November. And they're all like, you know, when are you going to open the city back up? I'm losing money. It's like, listen, man, there's a really good chance. your store just doesn't even exist. The block that your store was on

might not even exist anymore. Because in case you forgot, there is a giant 90-story lizard running around, sort of breathing fire, burping fish guts all over everybody, and probably pissing on Brian Cranston. There's some such business.

This movie is so stupid, and everything about it is so, like, you know, but there's so much reverence and, like, well, we can't have Godzilla actually breathe fire. That'd be dumb. Like, no, fucking do it. That's what I'm paying my ticket for.

He basically does it. You don't have to fucking figure out the scientific way why he would breathe fire. He's a big lizard. He breathes fire. At least it's not like a rain of fire where they're like, oh, well, this chemical that drips from their salivary glas. Like, they don't go that far with Godzilla. But he kind of doesn't breathe fire all that much. Like, I want Godzilla breathing fire all over the fucking place.

No, he doesn't breathe fire. He, like, yells that he has. like the wave of like the shock wave of his yell and then like certain things will blow up and he'll Oh is that what's going on? Yeah you blows fire at people. Oh, we always thought he breathed fire But if we were closer we would have seen that

If we had CGI cameras See that's a problem with all those Japanese pictures They didn't have the technology To get in really close to see what was going on With Godzilla's anatomy You know we meant at the time We just didn't have the technology So, oh, also they set up like a central park sting, which goes nowhere.

I mean, this is what we talked about with like the repetitive nature of this. Some woman dresses up like a prostitute waits for Godzilla. It's like the warriors. But there's a big emphasis to get him to Central Park. Get him to the park because destroy downtown all you goddamn want. But, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Some rich people live here. That's Trump Tower. Get them in the park. Get them out of here. That's another great part of fucking Cloverfield, man. They are not scared to destroy Trump Tower in that movie. Good for them. That building goes fucking down. And it's awesome.

But yeah, in this movie, it's like, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're getting above 50th Street. Oh, God, get him in the park before he kills somebody important and rich. And they get him in the water and submarines kill him essentially. And they're like, good. We got God. It took a 25 minute submarine. chase and like it's hunt for the red October for no reason and there's like they torpedoed the shit out of him he kills him it's great yeah that should be the end of the movie

but we're still in Madison Square Garden like oh no there's hundreds of eggs of Godzilla's this is what's ridiculous is he originally posits Matthew Broderick the worm scientist does that this Godzilla creature is capable of laying anywhere

from two to 12 eggs and you're like I'm all right, no, that's a lot of Godzilla. 12 more Godzilla's, Jesus Christ, then we're going to have a baker's dozen on our hands. Well, they, like, flash a light on the garden, and it's, like, everywhere, there's all these eggs. And at one point, he's like, well, there's 200 eggs here.

Like, he's on, like, a radio with some, like, army commander, and it's like, wait, how did you get this count that there's now 200 eggs? He's eyeball in it. There's clearly not 200 eggs, though, which is the thing. total tops you're filling the garden with like 50 eggs they're big eggs and now just because you want to rip off like they rip off the last act Jurassic Park like you wouldn't believe it's ridiculous how did they get away with this it was only what five years in between the movies how I mean these baby Godzilla's are

raptors yep that's all it is and they're running around they're going into all sorts of you know Hank Azaria and his brown-haired Hankisaria and his blonde friend are going into a great. They're trying to get away from these mini-raptor Godzilla's. I mean, Matthew Broderick's character journey is something interesting because it's like

in life, you know, it'll throw you some curveballs once in a while. I mean, one week you're studying worms in the Ukraine. The next week, you're fighting Godzilla's 200 babies. You know, you never know. Every wrong turns, a new adventure somewhere. You never know.

Next week, we might be on an adventure. It could be an adventure to stop Godzilla. I guess tune in and find out. All those little babies. All those little Godzilla babies. No, no, no, no. We've already established if Godzilla does strike New York, we'll be shitting our pants and falling around on the floor. I would.

That's what I would curl up and shit myself. So, we don't. didn't really mention this, but Jean Renault has like, I guess we kind of did. He's got like a team, yeah. And these are just some French dead meats. Oh, yeah. They're the dead meats. That's for sure. Because

Viva La Corpse. They are, they're just like, they're hanging around. They're getting in bad American coffee. At one point like, also in this hilarious coffee gag, the dude gets them like Danish or some shit. And he's like, no croissant. And the guy's like,

no monsieur. And you're like, now jean renoe i know that you're this snooty french cartoon skunk however you know what a fucking danish is okay so eat the fucking danish and don't be shocked that it's not le cuisson and i'm sorry but there's a godzilla attack in the city oh i'm sorry the baker the french baker didn't come in today all the patisseries are closed because fucking godzilla's shitting on people it's astounding the amount of people with priorities in the wrong place in this movie and I don't know if that's a I mean

it's not because this movie is made by Roland Emrick and he's a fucking idiot but it seems almost like they want it to be like a overarching thing in this movie of like it's just jaded New Yorkers man they don't even give a fuck when Godzilla comes to town they love that joke

and it's over and over again you know I think the best would come out of humanity in those moments we would rise you think we would We'd overcome it. Today would be our independence day. We would not go quietly without a fight or whatever Bill Pullman says. It was President Pullman in this movie.

Yeah. He still would have been serving, possibly. The rise of the machines. Oh, man, President Pullman and Lil General going and getting into his adventures. By the way, we have hashtag Little General. When after Earth comes out, hashtag Little General, confuse some people. Hey, hashtag Little General. General, good job seeing you and your dad in that M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Wait, what? Little General is probably even more brutal than MacArthur. Because Lil General is a character who has his priorities all in the right place. So they, Matthew Broderick is like, listen, you know, like, you have to destroy this area. These eggs are starting to hatch. You've got to kill them all because we're going to have a bunch of fucking Godzilla's on our hands. And apparently they're all. born pregnant? What is that

about? It's stupid. That's what that's about. What's going to happen? The whole world will be Godzilla's, and they won't even be able to move around anymore. I think he's kind of oversimplifying, like they're from a bad area. They don't know how to read.

They're practically born pregnant. I thought that that only happened in the world of like Honey Boo Boo Boo. Godzilla's also don't know about safe sex. Absinence-only education. So they somehow, they're able to, like, wire up Hanka's area's camera. They go to, like, a broadcast booth.

Yeah. And they're like, oh, we know that this one television frequency is what we use when the station carries the Ranger game. And the guy's like, the Rangers aren't playing today? It is one of the dumbest lines of this movie. You're right? He's like, oh, what? Because it's like incoming transmission from Madison Scar Garden, frequency, whatever. and he's like, what?

The Rangers aren't playing. And I don't really? Maybe they are. Let me see. It's just like checking the TV guy. God, man, the city that never sleeps is right, I guess. The city that never stops. No one ever just thinks about life for a sense.

It is that never reacts to Godzilla. Yeah. That's that the city should be called from now on. That's something you can put on a t-shirt and I'd buy it. The city that doesn't react to Godzilla. You know who reacts to Godzilla? Tokyo I think overreact

you know it's so shitty though that you know we have to be displayed this way in motion pictures like if Godzilla somehow attack Chicago if that movie happened those people would be fucking figuring it out Godzilla ships up to Boston

it's over in 45 minutes no no New York we're complaining that the fucking coffee shops closed I thought the Rangers were away tonight what's going on I like the idea of that T-shirt, the city that doesn't react to Godzilla, it's Godzilla, and a guy in front of him checking his phone. And Godzilla's like, excuse me. It's like Godzilla tapping a man on the shoulder, and he's got us back to him with his arms crossed.

Wearing a Yankees hat. Oh, for sure. You need to have that Yankees cat. See, yeah. It's a, and I feel like I've seen this in another movie where it's like bomb the building, you know, we don't care if we get out because, you know, we got to get rid all these Godzilla's. Right. forbid these Godzilla's, you know? Oh, God forbid Godzilla.

God forbid Godzilla gets out. My God, my mom's in Staten Island. Oh, my wrong. Pagas area. Oh, wait. This is the opportunity's Staten Island needs. If Manhattan Falls,

Staten Island is the next biggest island. Oh, boy. Oh, go God, Manula, me, boo. The rise of Staten Island nationalism, they start cheering the destruction of Manhattan. Scope-wise, what, an alligator on Staten Island?

like Godzilla on Manhattan? Is that how that works? I think that's how you would you would look at that on a map with some sort of scale. Yeah. So, yeah, it's annoying. So basically they get the signal out and they're like, oh my God, Matthew Brodoch was right all along. I guess we shouldn't have laughed at him earlier. That's

embarrassing. Probably shouldn't have spit in his face either. Everybody's busy jerking off because they just killed Godzilla. It was like, yeah! They're just so done with the whole Godzilla experience. Like, ah, we'll find the body, we won't. There's a seven-toned lizard down there.

I don't know if I'm going to go fucking fishing it out. The most logical person, I think, is Kevin Dunn's general character because, like, Mayor Ebert storms in and he's like, well, you blew it up. Time to open the bridges again. And he's like, no, we got to find this body. We've got to make sure he's dead. You're not opening shit. And there's this great, like, he's like, how dare you talk to me like that?

I'm Mayor Ebert. And Kevin Dunn's just like, I don't. Give a flying fuck who you are. Sit down, fat man. Exactly. The mayor wouldn't even be anywhere near this installation. You think Bloomberg's sticking around for this? I don't think so.

He's got a fucking escape pod, man. That thing goes straight to Jupiter. Oh, yeah. No, there's a definite Mr. Burns' escape pod. Absolutely. There's a giant palace on Jupiter. There's a little alien butlers. That's how rich that guy is.

Fellas, it would have to be a moon of Jupiter because Jupiter's a gaseous planet. Mers. What? Jupiter's a gaseous planet. Oh, I know, I know, but like, who are you? I'm someone who knows that Jupiter's a gaseous planet. You think Bloomberg's got a megazoid. He could fight Godzilla.

He just gets in a Pacific Rim Gundam suit. Now here we go, New York. Get ready for this one. Godzilla, no smoking in the park. I'm going to beat you to death with what you're killing yourself with, and he's beating him with a huge soda. you know what kids godzilla can be defeated with sugary drinks i would like to see him waterboarded with it waterboarded with rc cola oh my god it's just like oh god it's syrupy and rich what a sweet

way to go speaking of product placement we're running around madison square garden there's fucking all sorts of uh there's mcdonald's in there there's so much pepsy they're just running around and all these little Godzilla's just running like 40 minutes of little Godzilla's running around and chasing these people and everyone narrowly escaping except for these poor dead meats like he obviously get murdered yeah these Frenchmen are all

eaten alive by these raptors and again just like main Godzilla Godzilla Prime Matthew Broderick encounters an elevator like it's a stupid gag where like the elevator door opens and there's like a bunch of Godzilla's like little baby Godzilla's and he's like

oh no and he's to close the door and like they're just standing there again why is he like he's filled with fucking raptor repellent i don't understand it he kicks a godzilla in the face and the godzilla back like absolutely not i got a theory on this just came to me he's working in chernoble for so long he's he's like radioactive just like they are oh so he's like i'll leave him alone oh i see they think he's just like one of them like the runt of the litter that'd be great They're like, shh, all right, I'll turn off the lights, and Matthew Broderick's glowing.

They're just like, oh, no. So this dude who gets their, you know, transmission from the Rangers broadcast signal is like, oh, hey, by the way, it totally worked. The government believes you. They're going to bomb the shit out of Madison Square Garden. You have, this is what this man writes back on their, this is where the internet's brought up, by the way.

They're like, this whole thing is located on an internet. And I was like, uh-huh. And the dude writes back on electronic mail, you have six minutes until you're toast. Really? There's time for snappy little jokes like that when you're informing a group of people they're about to be blown to smithereens? Or eat by Godzilla's. Or both. Yeah, I wouldn't appreciate that.

So they fight through all the Godzilla's and they get out, by the way. What a huge shock. The ending is kind of like, or not the ending ending, because it's still 30 minutes of this movie. But this part's very much like the. end of Greblins 2 all the Godzilla's

in the lobby waiting for waiting to get out yeah you're right they're singing New York New York

and like Jeanono shoots all these chandeliers and Godzilla's like oh no glass I don't have

any shoes on and they walk backwards and they get the fuck out of here like they they like back up and it's like

all right well you backed up and it crashed down run right back at them they're like running through

it's like this happens a lot in zombie movies where it's like just be careful and you can walk by the zombies like that's what this is they're like just be careful and these fucking 200

dinosaurs won't tear us to shreds we just have to walk very slowly over this glass don't cut your feet so they get out and the garden gets bombed and that's another New York landmark destroyed because it's a roll in them Rick movie

hey 15 years it might happen they sign their lease for only 15 years they're just going to knock it down hey you know what honestly do it because that is a vortex of terrible hitting around the garden I agree I enjoy going to hockey games

at Madison Square Garden Penn Station's the worst part of New York Oh yeah The Port Authority is the worst part of New York They're kind of next to each other I feel like they're one entity Yeah It's the head and the tail

The head and the tail of evil Except for that fucking sweet Jackie Gleason statue Yeah that is great Yep Penn Station doesn't have a Jackie Gleason statue You're right I love fucking fictitious statues of fictitious people. Dude, Detroit's getting that Robocop statue. Thank you so much, Kickstarter. That's amazing.

It is. It's so great. I know. I can't The mere presence. The go, field trip. Yeah, the mere presence of that statue is going to turn that town around. Yeah, it'll be fucking hipster central. Get ready for beards, Detroit. If you don't have beards right now, you're going to have a ton of beards. And you never know. It might come to life at night and solve mysteries. I guess so. Or fight crime. I think it might. Stranger things have happened, Eric.

Like Godzilla and the big apple. That happened. Godzilla rises from the ashes. I guess like he snuck into the city again. Well, because remember, he can hide everywhere. And he's no longer dead because he's indestructible. It makes no sense. Like, they blow the shit out of him like in, like the Hudson River.

And you see him like dead in the water and you're like, all right, that's the end. But somehow he burrowed like, what? under the island entirely and then came up exactly where he laid those eggs what is it again is he Bugs Bunny like he knows exactly where to come up like he marches up right

out of the center of the garden rubble to be fair he is not Bugs Bunny Bugs Bunny was known to take a wrong turn in Albuquerque I would love there's just a quick cutaway and it's like Godzilla coming up in the desert like it just like goes back to wildie coyote drops a piano on his head

so now we just play let's run away from Godzilla in a taxi cab because Godzilla's piss now by the way that's the thing is oh no he looks angry you killed his baby there is there's totally a hilarious shot where Godzilla's like hey hey wake up and he's like he's kicking a dead raptor and he's just like oh Now my clams are steamed. Hey, that lizard's man.

So they just hop in this taxi cab, and it's Jean Renaud, Matthew Broderick, Hank Azaria, and this woman who's nobody. This is some great New Yorker stuff because they're like, how do we get out of the city? And Hank Azaria is like, take the tunnel. And she's like, no, take the bridge. And he's like, oh, I don't know. If you take a left, oh, traffic at this hour. Like, shut the fuck up. Godzilla's chasing you.

Under being a pizza pie. It says, yeah, they're arguing, like, you know, which way are you going to take? Is the FDR on the east side or the west side highway? Which one are we going to do? And it's like, you know what? The city's evacuated. Take either one. Okay?

How about that? Why don't you get away from this fucking Godzilla that's gaining on you? And it's literally, we just drive up and down the island until eventually Matthew Broderick's like, now wait a minute where's the nearest suspension bridge and you know audry's like oh well the brooklyn bridge i guess ever heard of it yeah because everybody knows that one so sure yeah that's the nearest one i would yeah i would blow up the manhattan bridge because i mean come on the brooklyn bridge is an important bridge it is i mean you come you can you're right by the west side highway where msg you might as well go up to the george washington no one needs it nobody cares yeah it's

just linking us to Jersey. You build it again later. Who cares? We're missing the part where they drive into Godzilla's mouth. Oh, this is just stupid town. And like, Hank Azaria's like, oh shit, we're in Godzilla's mouth already. And it's like, no, you're terrified because you're inside of a monster's mouth. And they're like, Sean Reneuve is behind the wheel. And they're like, drive forward, drive forward.

And he's like, I can't we are stuck on his tongue. And so then Matthew Broderick, like, grabs a lot. wire that's like hanging from who knows where because Godzilla's got like them and some other pieces of something in his mouth and he grabs it and fucking this kind of got like a visceral reaction out of you

like he jabbs this wire this cable that's you know spewing electricity right into Godzilla's like tooth cavity and very understandably Godzilla's like and doesn't spit them right

out but does just kind of like stop swallowing them and somehow that's enough for Hank Azaria or Jean Renaud to just put it in gear and they just drive right out of his mouth and you know that they lure him to the Brooklyn bridge and he gets all caught up to the suspension

cables. Don't worry he destroys the whole thing. Oh sure for sure. And they just the government finally can get a lock onto Godzilla and starts firing bullets into his chest. It's kind of hilarious but it's also played as like oh no that's sad like oh godzilla

is dying. It's a total like King Kong thing but it's completely unearned. Absolutely. And yeah, because like he falls over and it's again, Matthew Broderick just walking up to this thing without a care of the world and a song in his heart

and Godzilla's like staring at him like I'm sorry. I was just trying to live and like you see the little light in his eye go out and then like the hilarious Godzilla puppet closes its eye which is great. And there's a fat, rich

businessman there next to it going Twas Broderick killed the beast. Man, Godzilla on Broadway. That would be great. That's the scene you don't get. Kong gets captured like that. I don't like that Godzilla's on all fours for most of this movie, to be quite honest. It's another one of those things where it wouldn't

make any gosh turn sense if he was walking up. Well, no, of course it would because he's fucking Godzilla, and it's a Godzilla movie. That's an annoying thing that I read about this movie was that, you know, when they were writing the script, which is of course a million different scripts. Oh, for sure. Roland Emmerich, the only thing that he insisted upon was that Godzilla move fast.

No. Because this ain't your grandpappy's Godzilla. This is your fast, lean, mean, more like a dinosaur, more on the ground. I mean, it was like, what, a year after the Lost World. So it's like, well, everybody loves dinosaurs. Dinosaurs and dunebuggies.

I'm going to draw a picture of both. You know, like, you know, Like, oh, we got dinosaur culture, so we got to make them run like a dinosaur, because that's cool. Side note, if you got any drawings of dinosaurs and dunebuggies, we all ate movies at gmail.com. Absolutely. Yeah, but it's so annoying because I'm sitting here watching this movie last night in preparation for this episode. And staring me right in the face over from the bookshelf is my criterion Blu-ray of the newly remastered original Godzilla. Just looking at me and laughing and being like, look at you, and your dumb podcast.

watching that shit-ass version of me when I'm right here and you can enjoy me whenever you want. The original 1998 cut. Remastered. Oh, yeah, with all the Taco Bell advertising and everything. All those worm scenes

put right back in how they were intended. In 3D. IMAX 3D. In WormD. So that's it. That's the end of the Godzilla saga. Oh, no, wait. There's an egg.

There's one egg that they just didn't get. And it can't just be like, oh my God, it's an egg And maybe you see like a little crack No, no, no, no, no, no. We stare at this thing. It's like a slow zoom in. Zooming in. We're still zooming in, everybody.

Got to get right up close to this big old dinosaur egg. Starts to crack. Okay, I expected a crack. That's fine. No, no, no, no. This dinosaur jumps out at the camera And the camera goes into its mouth, smash cut to black.

That's how we're ending this movie. It's a total you're not. going to believe this situation. The fucking audacity on these people. They had two other movies set up. I'm so thankful this thing just was paned. And now, Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page, everyone.

Man, what a... This soundtrack was huge. I had this soundtrack. It was the biggest soundtrack. I must have seen that music video like a hundred fucking times. Oh, my God. Music by and inspired by a Godzilla.

It's featured in the film, and at the end credits, as is the wallflowers we could be heroes song. That's what that song came from everybody. You have Godzilla to think for that. I love Bowie covers. Oh, man, it's terrible.

That's Godzilla. They never made one. I mean, these reboots happening. I don't really know too much about it. It's directed by the dude who made monsters. They made a bunch of other ones in between. this too that I've been, I mean, I'm kind of a bit Godzilla agnostic, though I enjoy

it, you know what I mean? I just, I haven't seen a ton of them. Well, you know, it gets to be one of those things where a lot of them are just kind of the same. Yeah. Which is fine, because it's a totally enjoyable formulaic premise for a movie, you know, but he's he's got his mothra's and his Gammers. Gameras and I mean, you know, they're all over the place.

MST3K do like tons of them. They did a ton of them. I think the King of All Monsters is supposed to be really good. It's supposed to be one of the good ones. I think I remember in... You're one of the good ones, Godzilla. Don't worry about it. In, like, 2003, I don't know if it was an official Toho production,

but, like, Japan made a new Godzilla. Yeah. That was, like, sort of in response to this. Oh, you know what? Yeah, that might have been what it was called, but it was released, like, kind of later, I think. But I didn't see that, but that's supposed to be kind of like, I guess in the spirit of what Godzilla's supposed to be, which is, you know, slow walking, everybody's taking their time.

We're breathing fire. We're not worried about science. No blood tests. No, totally not worried about science. Yeah, it's like Tom Arnold on set. Oh, wow. No, I don't know why I thought this was 2003, but Godzilla 2000 was released in 99. Like, it was a direct response to like, listen, America, you fucking morons. Like, this is how you make a Godzilla movie. Stop shitting on things that we created for you. ah man it's exhausting talking about movies this long would anyone recommend this particular incarnation of godzilla uh i would not i would recommend that i i don't know if i'm in the minority of this i i hear a lot of shit talking about it i like that new peter jackson king con i i am on record it's a little too long you know we spend a little bit too much the monster island stuff's great it's kind of a weird thing where Peter Jackson's Monster Island stuff is actually better than

the New York part, which is kind of weird for a King Kong. But yeah. No, but I totally agree. I like that Peter Jackson King Kong. It's that long because it's a Peter Jackson movie. And it's, you know, we're under three hours. Heaven forbid. I mean, it's a thing where it's reverent, but it's also really cheesy and really fun.

Like, it's a thing where this movie could really benefit from. It's just having a little bit of fun with it. Nobody's got a fucking clipboard trying to figure out whether or not King Khan's got to get pregnant. I mean, yeah, I would not recommend. I find this very right. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it either.

I do think it's kind of well-paced, actually, because it kind of just clipped along for me until the three different endings. Thanks a lot. And thank you, Peter Jackson, for your three different endings, Return of the King, Goddibble. And I will say that on the topic of King, 2005,

I'm not that into it. It's okay. I liked Cloverfield more. I understand it's found footage. Yeah. But I thought it was an enjoyable movie. And it's an interesting, like, watching this, I want to watch Cloverfield again because Cloverfield seems like a response to this as well.

Yeah, no, I was thinking about Cloverfield a lot while watching this, mainly because I wanted to watch Cloverfield more than I wanted to watch this movie. Yeah, it's not a recommend for me either. It's something, you know, you really take the fun out of what a Godzilla movie is by taking it so seriously. and making it, you know, having it made by a director who makes nothing but disaster movie. It's a monster movie meets a disaster movie, which is a terrible combination because all of those disaster movies are so self-serious. And they're all, every single one of them's changing the world at every turn.

You know, go watch the 1954 Gojira. You can get it from Criterion and Blu-ray. I'm sure there's tons of, you know, other Japanese issues of it on just regular DVD. It's a fun-ass movie because, you know, it does have sort of that, you know, social commentary about the atomic age and everything, but it's not beating you to death with it. And it's not saying like, listen, we're

here, we're Japanese and we're really saying something. It's just a fun monster movie. That's what monster movies are supposed to be. And I guess even though it is found footage, that's what is so good about Cloverfield is like, it's fun. I mean, you got T.J. Miller, you know,

he kind of grained on me in that movie, but he's making it lighthearted at least. You know, like in a serious situation. We got people getting bit turning into monsters and exploding and baby Cloverfields and everything. And people in that movie aren't going, hey, New York, God, they hurt the Knicks. What's this about? They're like, oh my God, I'm a New Yorker and this is dangerous. Let's get out of here. Oh, my God, my hipster going away parties being broken up. Hey, everybody, put down this red wine. No, but I agree with what you're saying. It's a different kind of New York

stereotype, I guess. I guess I'll say that's also. a bad way to live your life. Oh, no, the L trade is down. Cloverfield's here. Yep, every weekend for 11 months. Oh, yeah, fucking the MTA service problems after Godzilla, forget about it. Oh, no.

The service problems before Godzilla. No, see, that's when the mayor's city bike program would really take off. Only people in New York could possibly give a shit about what I just said. That's it. That's Godzilla 98. If you want to get a whole of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook.

Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast. If you have a doodle of a dinosaur riding a dunebugger, whatever we said, we all hate movies at gmail.com. We accept any and all doodles, by the way. Doodle, doodle Godzilla playing the Knicks and basketball. B'wom. B'wap. Gondola dunking over Patrick Ewing.

Sounds like a space jam to me. That address again is we all hate movies at gmail.com. If you subscribe to the show in iTunes, please rate and review there and help increase the profile of the show in the iTunes store. We're also on Stitcher. Check out the Stitcher radio app. You can stream the most recent five episodes of this program on the go. Eric's program, Blame it on Outer Space.

The first Wednesday of every month, there's a new conspiracy theory, paranormal tale or ghoulish monster story. into task in a comedic fashion blame it on outer space dot com facebook twitter at blamespacepod and uh iTunes and stitcher as well our good buddy chris cabins movie reviews over at slant com uh that is slant magazine what do you think chris cabins review of uh this movie would be one star that's it for this week we'll be back with uh we got a whole two months lined up big old summer blockbuster it's going to be a lot of fun so Be sure to come back next time.

Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Teda. Eric Siska, say,ara.