We Hate Movies - S3 Ep114: Steel

Episode Date: June 11, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang ducks and covers as Shaq runs amok as John Henry Irons in the 1997 box office catastrophe, Steel! How is everyone blind to a guy the size of John Henry Irons being Steel? Is Judd Nelson's character molesting those kids? And have you ever seen a man sink a free throw with a grenade? Plus: The Devil himself makes an appearance! Steel stars Shaquille O'Neal, Annabeth Gish, Judd Nelson, Richard Roundtree and Irma P. Hall; directed by Kenneth Johnson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek, Chris Gabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Week two of our third summer blog. blockbuster extravaganza or SBE3 as I've been calling it

to myself and no one else now hundreds of people know that hundreds and hundreds hashtag SE3 everybody ready for it hashtag SBE3 there you go so

oh man speaking of stinkers 1997's Steel starring Shaquille O'Neil O'Neill's going to play steel I remember I remember chatting that to myself A little fat kid, all excited about it.

Mom, guess what? I don't care still. Mom, guess what? Shaquille Neal is going to be in a movie. Can you lock me out now? Let me out of my cage. It's hot in here. I've been using these wizard magazines as toilet paper.

I really got to go to a real bathroom. I've been just stating myself on McDonald's grease. Just like you said I would. I'm previously eating McDonald's. man i will get it out of the way up front i saw this and kazam in theaters wow oh yeah oh it's yeah but you didn't see blue chips in theaters did not see blue chips in theaters it's the godfather of shekeel o'neal movies it's it's it's it's the high watermark of his thankfully short acting career and i mean it's got nick nulte yelling at him i mean what else do you want in a movie is really

the question at that point. He's just, he's yelling at everybody, and nobody is safe in Blue Chips, which is fantastic. It's great because Bobby Knight is actually in that movie, and it's kind of that thing, that Simpson's joke, where, uh, whatever the, um, uh, Don King

substitution, Lusis Sweet. They're like, oh, it's Lucius Sweet. They're like, oh, it's Lucius Sweet. He's just as rich and powerful as Don King, and he looks a lot like him. Because like, if there's a world where Bobby Knight exists, Nick Nolty's character shouldn't exist. So, So, Shaquille O'Neal is a genius weapons designer for the Army.

So right from frame one, suspend all notions of disbelief you ever had about anything ever. And they missed a joke early. Like, why didn't this open with the Taylor for the Army being like, no way? You've got to be kidding me. That's actually a thing you can read in the IMDB trivia about this. is that Shaquille O'Neal, not for wanting to, had to do all his own stunts because they couldn't find a stunt man tall enough

to look like Shaquille O'Neal. Oh, that's why there's no good action scenes. Oh, that's it. Oh, okay. He's just slowly lumbering through this film. It's a lot of him just ducking behind things while other people do action-y things. But our main star is just, like,

huddling behind a police car, like, are you okay? But it's amazing because I was looking up on the internet there. On the internet I was. He did this in between seasons of the Lakers and the same summer that he played in the Olympics. They had him for like 20 days. And he was like, look, I'm playing basketball. That's my fucking bread and butter.

I'll be your fucking superhero if you want. Well, because there are scenes in this movie where he's just limping. Like, he's just got a little bit of a limp going down like the street while the cops are after him. Also, by the way, so this is a DC Comics character. in one way or another we'll go to Resident WHM comic book expert Steve Sadek live on the scene

Yeah steel was a product of the mid-90s When Superman died Four people rose up That thought they were Or pretended to be Superman So that's kind of like the people we have here now Like these fucking idiots that go out Like I'm gonna be like kickass

And I'm a superhero And they're all always like hilariously arrested Or mugged like that dude in Seattle Oh yeah Who was that? That guy's name. That guy got his ass kicked. Something Jones.

Phoenix Jones. Phoenix Jones. Yes. But, like, I almost prefer that to just guys who are run around a fucking, like, Batman costume or Superman costume. If you're going to be given a real shot at this superhero thing, like make your own thing. And Phoenix Jones sounds like a superhero kind of. It does. So, anyway, sorry.

So the Superman. Yeah, four people raise up to be Superman. Two of which are good guys, one of which turns out to be a robot alien that kills every person. buddy you know like like a comic book should have wow how did we miss that huh and he was like a strong enough black character at a time and do you see what they didn't have a ton of black characters like hey let's roll them into regular continuity and this is pre african american green lantern uh african american green lantern was there but it was before they started really realizing like hey maybe african americans would like to see uh people read about themselves in comic books

hey maybe we shouldn't be terrible exactly that was actually when they announced steel it was like DC Comics, we're no longer terrible. Maybe it shouldn't be the Aryan Justice League. Yeah, that was a rejected idea, I feel. And he turned into basically for the last 15 years, Black Iron Man. But then actually when they rebooted D.C. is no longer there anymore. They're like, we got enough steel. Your services are...

Because now when you reboot any character, and rightfully so, you either make him some sort of a black Latino or a woman. if you dare. Oh man, steel got laid off. He didn't get laid off. Well, the auto industry closed. That really just took everything down.

So, yeah, he's John Henry Irons. Yeah. No relation to Jeremy Irons. Yes, John Henry Irons, it brings to mine funny enough because I was just re-listening to some old Johnny Cash records, he's got the John Henry's Hammer song, which is, you know, this whole like folk legend thing

and blah, blah, blah. you know what Shaquille O'Neal you're not a fucking folk legend you're a pretty great to not so great basketball player depending upon the year and time of your season

you know like was he John Henry Irons in the comic yeah he was that's kind of the thing and the hammer and like you know hey we're doing like again

we're not so terrible like we'll incorporate your history how about that because of legal action now we have to incorporate your history so yeah he at the start of this

film is working in the in the army as a weapons developer and it's him and Annabeth Gish who I just will always remember from those like two seasons of the X-Files I know she's done other stuff The West Wing she's the eldest

Bartlett daughter oh that's right the one who didn't get kidnapped was that Elizabeth Moss? Yeah that's yeah Elizabeth Moss you think she's called hey sis can I get out madman uh no who is this oh right

she's like lily oh no that's my real sister oh you're still doing that she's on some uh like either the vampire diaries or the something or other's like she's on the werewolf or little liars uh pretty little liars yes you're absolutely right she played um adam scott's sister on one episode of parks and rec this season also oh and she's the uh uh in uh double jeopardy she's the woman he leaves her she certainly is and as matter of fact

i was looking through her i mdb last night while watching this and was like hello stay tuned this fucking double jeopardy anyway so the two of them are these weapons developers she's a white actress uh yeah that's important for the end of the film by the mind and uh judd nelson it's kind of like uh you know everybody's kind of young and wet behind the ears it's a crack team of sheikhilo deal Adameth Gish and Judd Nelson I mean that's kind of a mod squad That's a mod squad or a motley crew or what have you Yeah so they've got this new thing

Where it's like a sound wave gun It's gonna knock people over incapacitate people But no killing because John Henry Irons Is not a fan of killing people And there's also like a heat ray thing That it kind of looks like the gun from a racer Yeah he's making all sorts of bullshit Chris Anything that can actually exist

He's making it uh seemingly from scratch later in the film uh so yeah and some senator shows up some lady senator uh 902 and oh fans you might remember her as dillon's fake mother that scams him at all sorts of cash wow good callback nice uh what i love about this part right is so judd nelson of course being judd nelson he's going to be the villain in this movie uh he's kind of like the power hungry career obsessed whatever military dude so he's talking with this senator and he's like, hey, that Shaquille O'Neal's a big pussy over there. He's going to do this weapons test and it's going to be on the medium setting.

But I've done some modifications that can make it go to a higher setting. And she's like, uh-huh, continue. And what's great is he actually says right here like, oh, this next part's top secret. So what's your security clearance? And she goes, level four. And then John Nelson's like, all right, well, that's fine. I'm going to tell you the rest of my plan. she could have literally said anything like what is he checking that against is there like a code word is there like a badge maybe if you ask someone what their security clearance is and they immediately look you in the eye and say level four that's the code

so they fire this thing off the funny thing is it's like it's like okay i'm going to build a super gun that's made of sonic waves there is a medium setting that does it does everything i wanted to do yeah and that's the only setting that will ever need let's also make an incredibly dangerous high setting just because i mean we might want to use and all we have to do is make a switch go and that's that's the one we'll never do that right guys we'll all agree never to do that it's like as easy as the lever on a viewfinder it just goes there you go it's ready to go i mean it's a poorly conceived weapon idea because it's designed by Shaquille O'Neal. Well, I was going to say it's designed by, like, a poor production team

making this movie, but yes, also, it's designed by John Henry Irons. Wouldn't everything that he welded together and made together just be way too big? Like, I can't imagine him working in Mycosms or anything like that. Right, well, yeah, that's going to be like, if Shaquille O'Neal's designing a gun for an average-sized soldier to hold,

it's got to be like him doing work on a model car. Or like a, like a ship in a bottle. Very carefully, I have to get this in here. By the way, let's just be up front. There's going to be No real Shaquillo-Neal impressions, because no one's voice in this room can fucking get that low on our best day. Because we have human-sized lungs. I mean, seven-foot, I mean, and it's great for, it's amazing for basketball, changed everything.

It's an inhuman size. Like, you're kind of not a person anymore. You're sort of a monster. I mean, you're mostly a person, but you're also sort of a monster. What he's standing next to Juddelson? Jeunsel's a little kid. And I mean, like, John Nelson's not a tall guy, but, like, he was like, he was just, He's going to jump in his arms and, like, be carried around.

Judd Nelson's a full-grown man, you know. And, yeah, he could pick him up like a little, like a little baby man. It's ridiculous. I mean, he could climb a beanstalk. If it came to that in steel, I don't think it would. I wish there was a beanstalk in this movie. Beard of the folk legend, you could just bump up to the fucking Paul Bunyan. What the fuck are you going to do, Paul Bunyan?

Yeah, like, you could be like, this is my ox bow. Or Babe. Babe, Babe, Blue Ox, there. Oh, babe, the blue ox there. So they're going to test this thing off So Judd Nelson's like, I'm going to surprise you Everybody else, Senator, but you're in the inside track here. It's going to be pretty

cool. And so he goes to fire this thing off and it's a really hilarious, like, Shaq notices what's going on and it's a slow motion like, Judd Nelson, no. And this thing fires off and it's hilarious because it's always a real thing. Like, the

sound wave hits a building, blows it up, and then reverberates off, like throwing a tennis ball against a wall and goes back and hits their building, ceiling caves in, hilariously kills this senator, and Annabeth Gish there is paralyzed from the waist down. It's like a woman seeking missile, essentially. It's all men.

They walk away fine, and like, this woman gets killed. The other one gets paralyzed. Shocks, like, shock, shacks, like, oh, that was close, right? Oh, oh, no. Look at this carnage. He has to do that thing where, like, he kind of is. has superhuman strength in this movie like again he's seven feet tall which is kind of a superhuman anyway he's sort of a monster he's just lifted this boulder like he's god knows what it's like

for all i mean for whatever reason they're in like this fake stone building like it's like a like a fake Marrakesh market or something you know it almost looks like a wild west it looks like a ghost town and like i think it's yeah it's supposed to be some sort of like testing ground that they just made a bunch of shit just imagine like some guy just something like like a prospect of leading a tour. And this is where I get, you know, collect all my beads where you can get plenty of gold.

Oh, no, a Shahti Queen. Oh, look out. It's a sort of monster. So, yeah, he hilariously has to, like, pick this thing up. And to make it appear as if he's struggling to lift the roof of a building, it's him, like, slow-mo doing it. And it's like, you know those scenes in, like,

Schwarzenegger movie? It's the same thing Schwarzenegger does. like a ah! Like his teeth are out and he's just like screaming like Chewbacca. But it's all for nothing because she's paralyzed

in this other woman's dead. We cut to Shaq on trial in a courtroom, which I thought I would never see. And this dude's just like interrogating him like, it's like Judd Nelson's on trial. Yeah.

You know, and Shaq. He's like, did he set it to the super dangerous setting? He did. Well, this is an open and shut. A question for the group.

Arm wrestling contest. Shaquille O'Neal versus Chewbacca. Who's going to win? I feel Chewbacca because he's probably going to cheat and bite him. Oh, absolutely. Chubacca's winning this. Those wookies are biters, I feel. And, I mean, you don't really know what's going on with the palms.

They probably got like really good traction or something like that. Yeah, it's kind of like a bear's claw. Yeah, like a bear or a dog kind of ploff. Yeah, that's fair. But Chubbacca can't rebound for shit. That's for sure. Chewbacca could not protect the pain. Judd Nelson, I believe, after the end of the end of the,

this trial like they're in the hallway and he goes thanks for ratting me out brother soldier yeah and i was like is jett nelson also a racist on top of being the villain it's kind of a really weird scene because he calls him brother soldier with the italics on brother and he's like you're just a no good yeah oh that's right and he doesn't say anything no and shack goes what it's a very point it's like uh you know it's like they've got the relationship from uh die hard with a vengeance So yeah, that was weird I was like, why does this guy also need to be a racist? Like, he's clearly going to become the villain of this film

in one fashion or another, but racism on top of that, fine, you know. Well, this is a movie that's weird because it's trying to have a social conscience. It's all about, like, really doing its best. He's really trying. Because Quincy Jones was a producer, and that was kind of his thing.

He was like, oh, you know, I want to make a superhero for young black kids, but he's not a superhero. He's just anybody else that could do anything else, but he's really smart and blah, blah, blah. But then we're going to kiss Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, like, get an actual actor. You're Blair Underwood. No one's ever said that, by the way.

Get me Blair Underwood. Immediately. Are you sure? I said now. The studio executive that lost his job a day later. By the time somebody got Blair Underwood, you wouldn't have a job. Who'd you want me for Steel? No, no, that was just a rumor

That was a guy making a bad decision That cost him his job We hired Shaquille O'Neal actually And I was gonna have my job forever Oh, I see And the problem with casting Shaquille O'Neal and anything Is because like

That height, again, is only good for basketball Yep Yeah, and like in blue ships it works Because he's a basketball player And then like you can just get into the character This guy is supposed to be like Kind of like he went through the Army man Nobody from the Army is this chipper

no he's just the dude who apparently hasn't seen anything ever like as far as like the shit goes i mean this is like it's 97 we weren't really doing too much military wise you know a couple of secret wars at bosnia uh but yeah you know he's just kind of like he goes home you know after after the trial and he's like the fucking popa chili town in this this like you know la you know bad neighborhood or whatever. And here's where my least, like, it had to happen. I know it had to happen. I get it. It's Shaquille O'Neal's in your movie.

But they do the joke where he passes a basketball court. Uh-huh. And a bunch of kids are playing basketball, and then it comes rolling up to him, takes up the ball, shoots it, misses Cozy Shaquille O'Neal, but not Shaquille in this movie. Well, yeah, I mean, Shaquille O'Neal also famously

was terrible at free throws. So it's kind of like a joke at, like, Shaq the basketball player like he can't make it in Hollywood either. Don't, he did not make it in Hollywood either. Don't worry, kids. Put that in their back pocket because that's that becomes a central plot point

in this movie. This guy who's not a basketball player can't make free throw. Exactly. Oh, also, by the way, so Ann and Beth Gish's character, whose name is Sparky right? I think it's sparks. It's sparks. It's something Sparky. Shack says nothing with

sparky throughout this entire movie. So she's paralyzed. And Shack visits her in the hospital and it's this it's so uncomfortable because he in he comes mr positivity and he's like how's it going sparky ready to get back out there and she's like yeah you know soon enough i just got to need a couple months to recoup and whatever and it's hilarious because i love this scene yeah because shekeel o'neal already knows that this woman is paralyzed and he's just trying to be nice and supportive to his friend blah blah blah this nurse who's like looking at a chart or like a machine

or something while they're talking over here's what she says to Shaq and this nurse looks up and nods her head like I don't think so okay sister I mean it's so hilarious and Shaq looks at her like seriously like it's actually the best acting that

Shaq does in the movie because it's a really great like exchange of looks she's like I don't think so and he's like that's offensive she's just like oh once I get back on my feet as well, it's like, oh, yeah, right, lady. Might as well smother it with a pillow right here, Shaq. He just does, like, a Rodney, like, a pull of the collar pull.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah, he goes home. He's the mayor of Los Angeles, as far as this neighborhood's concerned. Everybody loves him. He's got a little brother who shows up. Ray J. Oh, Ray J. The famous Kim Kardashian sex tape co-star.

Oh, really? And Brandy's brother. Congratulations. Oh, absolutely. There's some congratulations. I mean that work with Kim Kardashian was the best he ever did was there's also a there was a reality show wasn't there like love according to Ray J or Ray J's looking for love or something moving on from Moesha yeah so it's it's I hate these these coming home scenes because it's all the same like oh how are you doing Johnny oh great man you staying out of trouble yeah oh hey Johnny's back everybody and he's just like walking around picking kids up and just putting them back down.

How many kids has Shaq picked up and put back down in his life? It's kind of an obligation. You know what I mean? Like every goes like, hey, hey, up there, up there. All right, I'll give you the ride. There's like five of those scenes in blue chips. He goes to like five kindergarten classes, just like kids are crawling on him

as if he was a playground. Just crawling all over like a jungle gym. And Nick Dalty has to stop him, be like, hey, stop doing that. He's like, oh, sorry, coach. God damn it Get back over here

Practice basketball Are we supposed to win this fucking championship If you're like kids crawl all over you Like spider monkeys I'll just toss him out the window boss Flicking him off him Like ants on a picnic table He goes home

He's got a sweet grandmother Played by Irma P. Hall Slumming it as hard as she can Uh huh And the funny He has the best character Like bullshit character trait Like, they clearly didn't have anything for this character to do.

So they're like, well, give her one thing she does, which is she tries to make soufflays and they always fall because everyone's yelling. And fucking Shaquille and he'll stomp it around and his size 14 boot. It's 22, by the way. Oh, it's 22. Wow. She makes mention of it in the movie. But her thing is like, I have the best idea for a restaurant. I'm going to take soul food cooking and mix it with French cuisine.

That's never been done before. It's like, excuse me, miss. there's a whole region that does that and they do it quite well did you ever hear of the city of New Orleans grandma I just got back from Louisiana and I got to tell you something here

I got some bad news about the restaurant you want to open it's not going to set the world of fire as people have been doing it for hundreds of years now the one thing though that I thought was pretty clever of Ms. P. Hall is that as Ray J. points out to the group. The restaurant

that she wants to open will be called Black and Blu. Yeah. Isn't that fantastic? That's the whole reason. Like everyone, I'm sure what we just said was pointed up to the screenwriter, but like, no, no, no, no, black and blue, it makes, it's worth all of it. No one's going to think about Cajun cooking with a look at it,

Shaquille O'Neill. So, you know, she yells at them about ruining her souffle and whatnot. And so she's like, you know, oh, Johnny, you had a bunch of phone calls today. You know, and he's like, oh, probably a lot weapons experts because he quits the army by the way i don't know if we mentioned he quits the army he's so disgusted with the paralysis of sparky he leaves the quitting of the

army scene is so enraging to me because here's okay judd nelson killed somebody because he did something illegal i'm sorry during a training exercise killed a senator killed a senator and then paralyzed a fellow officer yes and his punishment is he just goes free. He's just expelled from the army. Yeah, he gets dishonorably discharged. You're going to the Hague. You're going so to the Hague. I've seen Jag. I know how that shit works. Not only does he the next scene, by the way, is him in a perfect suit flying first class in an airplane. Okay. And then on top of that, he stole something from the army. Do you have any concept of what the army does when they dishonorably discharge somebody? Oh, yeah.

you're not getting out of there with your underwear. Anything. You don't get anything. Anything that was like service issued, we're hanging on to it, man. You get fired from fucking, you know, an accounting firm. You get to take your stapler. Your stapler being a super gun, I guess, by the way, in this universe. I love what totally dates this movie. The one thing?

Yeah, that's true. Well, a technological thing, a real world technological thing that dates this movie, is Judd Nelson steals the plans. for these weapons on like a hilarious mini-disc like the old mini-cdies? That's the future, man. Mini-discs.

Jesus, they just came and went. Well, nobody, I mean, there's no point in them. Like, if you're using a disc at all, you must have to use a full-size disc. Everything's there. Well, because nobody can flick, because everybody knows that you can, like, get the thumbprint on the CD

so you don't want to just be like holding on to a CD like that. Heaven for bit. So the mini-CD worked better because of that little case. So, you know, he's getting all these offers And she's like, oh, so you must acquit the army so you could go private and make all sorts of money. And he's like, no, grandma, no more weapons for me.

You know, I got a job down at the factory. And he's like working at a steel mill. Oh, what? A steel mill. Hey. And this is an implausible steel mill for one reason, or I guess kind of two reasons, but maybe just one. The one that I'm kind of wishy-washy on is like over the house loudspeaker, there's 90s, like, pop R&B playing, which I guess you could do it a steel mill.

That's this whole movie. Like, yes. When we get to the gun factory in a minute, that also was piping in fucking Black Street or whatever the fuck. 112. Yeah. So there's some jodicy tracks. But the other thing that is ridiculous is here's this steel mill.

Shack's working hard. He's got a hard hat on. You know, he's like, I don't know, soldering something, if that's a thing. Sparks are going everywhere. And a couple of babes walk by And they're hot babes And this is what I want to make clear It's not that women can't work in a steel factory

Because obviously they can You know But these are babes These are beach babes With a hard hat on Just like hey shag And one of them is wearing fucking parachute pants Like in a steel mill

You're dead You're dead yesterday If I saw If I'm working at a steel I'm like oh Christ I gotta fucking do a double and like fucking eat my baloney sandwich and I see Shaquille O'Neal

doing God knows what and then two hot piss they shoot the porno over there or what? I didn't know we haven't shot a porno here in ages and it was one of those

violent pornoes the last time too in the 70s you remember that rock oh we had to wall that girl up she was going to say some as they do in steel mills they wall people up

well they're good at building things exactly Also, they kind of look like to just, other than the parachute pants, it really looks like they just stole their wardrobe from living single. Man, I watched a whole lot of living single. I watched so much goddamn living single. In the 90s kind of world, I'm glad I got my girls. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a great song.

Yeah, I mean, these women have so much hair product. Like, with all the sparks flying everywhere, they'd be lit up yesterday. No, it makes no sense. It makes no sense. It's just a hilarious detail. If, you know, Shaquille O'Neal gets, you know, gets out of the Army because he's a super. genius and he can't you know he wants to like settle down to do regular work he's like uh the abominable snowman at the end of rudolph the red nose and reindeer and he's just he's like putting the stars on christmas trees uh yeah we need to hire shack to come put the star on our christmas tree

why is that couldn't find the ladder i was going to do my shingles this weekend but my ladder broke oh hi shack can i get a lift his work agent is yukon cornelius Shack can bounce. Wahoo! I just love picturing Yukon Cornelius riding Shack down a snowy mountain. So while this is going on, Shack's reacquainting himself with home life. Judd Nelson goes to a buddy of his, who's clearly a criminal because the instant Judd Nelson starts talking to him about this business prospect, he has to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Judd Nelson, but I'm a legitimate businessman.

Anytime anyone has to tell you that they're a legitimate businessman, it clearly means they are not a legitimate businessman. Especially if they always have a toothpick in their mouth. Toothpick in their mouth and disgusting, long, greasy blonde hair. This dude looks like a diehard terrorist. He does. And he's always good, yeah, he's got the tooth, he's always like, mm, and he's like kind of always weighing his options. Yeah, yeah. And he's got supervillains next to him.

He's got this one guy, well, I'm sorry, excuse me. They work at an arcade game factory in Los Angeles. Yes. That's a front-running organization for guns. And they put guns inside working arcade games. Which is weird to me because who else but like arcades are buying arcade machines? Yeah. You know, at this time in the 90s, like everybody wanted to own, you know, a sweet arcade game.

But it was only really for the super rich or like kids that got really, really lucky with, like, like mom married uncle ted and uncle ted's a lawyer and bought me this x-men arcade game kind of a thing there is the thing that this is kind of just a mickey mouse operation to begin with because in the front like okay the front office the secretary for the entire place it's like a little table like if you wanted to signing to get into a high school to pick up your kid for the day it's just this little table in front like hey can i help you and he's like yeah could you give me to willie presumably if you're a gun runner uh you want to sell a lot of guns. I would think so.

So who's buying these arcade machines? Like, you would have to, like, it's such an obvious... The overhead out of a arcade game machine is a lot of money. And you can fit... We see it happening. You can fit three guns into an arcade game. Because of all the

computer chips that need to be there. There's not a lot of room left. And like, they're explaining to this guy like how to set it in, and the guy's like, all right, now you've got to tape this in here. And I'm looking like, well, this is like this huge assault rifle you can't fit anything in this thing like just buy a fucking gun case and i mean they're attaching this shit with duct tape it's like really just a nothing gun manufacturer just like

shitty shitty business he's no lord of war no he's not a lord of war and he's got two number two currently one uh is i believe the woman that played witch blade in that usa tv series so i thought she had a bigger role in this like hey my stealing witch blade i got to share the screen Oh, my God. You're not dead yet? Isn't that exciting? Oh, where are my pills? I stopped feeding you weeks ago.

Fingers crossed. I'm subsisting on meals past. I've been eating the cushion out of the couch. I found a lot of jelly beans in the couch, too. And a lot of wizard magazines. It's rubbish. So yeah, witch blades in this movie And the devil himself

I mean, let's just hear this guy talk for five seconds Not yet We're still missing a couple of heads But we're ready to start showing off your weapons There's no one else who can speak like that But the devil There's no way A human being can have that voice

It's deeper than Shaq's voice Exactly How do you get deeper than Shaq's voice Without being the Lord of the underworld And somehow he doesn't turn into a monster in this movie. I don't get it. Yeah, he's the guy who at the end of this movie, when Steele has bested Judd Nelson,

this dude's face starts cracking down the middle, and his body falls off and a dragon comes out. Because he could voice Galactus. That's how they would have done that movie right, that second Fantastic Four movie. Dig up that dude from wherever. He's in like underworld movies and shit. Dig that guy up and be like, hey, man, your voice in Galactus, the fucking eater of planets, get to it.

Finally, a use for my talents. Now I can stop reading audiobooks of Jane Austen. I would not listen to that. Just an FYI. It was a more civilized time. She was correct. Mr. Darcy was handsome. Man, somebody get the 500 bucks to get that guy to do that.

Oh, man. Yeah, so, like, the whole thing is Judd Nelson's going to sell these plans to this dude, and they're going to make these super weapons. You've got laser guns. Hey, man, I got laser guns. Oh, cool. Laser guns, audio wave guns, whatever. So we cut back to Shaq, and he is riding in a police cruiser with a friend of his.

We've never met, nope. Nope, never met, never really formally introduced to. And technically this is like her only scene in the movie, really. So they're driving to like a community meeting. The at Ray J. in the back seat. And he's being obnoxious because he's just like a little like 13 year old prick in this movie. And, you know, he's like, but I don't want to go to this community meeting. And Shaq's like, well, listen, you know, it's very important that you care about your community.

You have to know what's going on in it. You have to, you know, be encouraging to your neighbors and everything to make it a better place. blah, blah, blah. And she's coming on to him, too, because she's like, remember the last time we were both in a car together? He's like, sh, I'm going to... Oh, that's right.

There's like a secret love history. Which, okay, I'm sorry. How's Shaq fucking a chick in a police car? Like, a top-down convertible, maybe you're figuring it out. You're sitting in a diner and talking about the logistics first. Like, I got to go in first. First leg is here.

Second leg is around the front seat. You didn't get fucking anybody in a police station. let a little over his car they're sitting at the diner table they got to flip over the guess the 50 states place mat is trying to draw a diagram with crayons

oh the fucking lights fall off at the middle of that sex just because uh yeah so you know he's explaining this to this this Ray J character and uh there's a bank robbery

that happens you know so they they pull up and they're kind of because of these guns, they're technically like, they're not super, super criminals, but they're kind of super criminals. They're up there. They're in the higher weight class now to super criminal. Yeah, and so they use the sound wave gun to

blow the wall out of the bank, and then there's a laser, like the heat lasers attached to that, and they cut a hole in the safe, all while sitting in the car, and only then do they get out of the car and run into the bank. You think, like, all right, there's five people in the car. We'll blast the wall, the bank.

Four of you will run in, while the fifth guy cuts the hole and the second he's done cutting the hole, then you'll burst the door down and start robbing. No, no, no, no, no. We're all going to sit in the car, this thing's nice and cleanly cut and then we'll get out of the car and run across the street to the bank and blah, blah, blah.

And this gang is led by W.HM favorite Hill Harper. Hill Harper, yep. Don up like slick Rick for some reason. He looks ridiculous in this movie. He's got a fucking eye patch. He's got the bad max jacket, the fucking gold teeth thing. It's so stupid. It's like literally when they were

trying to get his character together. There was like a fucking Halloween store basket. And he was like, uh, take the side patch, this fake nose, this parrot. I mean, it's mostly a pirate costume. That's correct. This plastic hook hand. So, you know, they get the call over the radio in the police car. And it's like, all right, well, meetings adjourned.

We have to go check this out. So she drives up. And there's another cop car there. These dudes just, do they get killed? Are we killing cops in this movie? if they're getting lasers in the shoulders. I don't think we're seeing any dead cops. Yeah, it's like set phasers to stun and these dudes are like falling over.

So then Shaq and this woman roll up and they do the old like the sonic boom on the police car and it flips over. And now she's paralyzed. Like, I mean, how many women need to get paralyzed in this movie? Shack like gets out of the car to try to help the cops and she's like radioing for backup. She hits a fire hydrant and for that reason. he's really worried. I'm like,

there's a fire on the car. What's the worst part about their hitting a fire hydrant? It's going to get put right out. But no, that car does explode though. You know, it defies all physics

and still blows up. And he's running with this full woman. He's holding a fucking Maltese poodle. It's so tiny in his arm. He's holding there in one hand and punching out these robbers in the other. And how do you...

All right, this happens a couple times in the reason before even he gets his steel armor. If you're shooting guns at people. I understand maybe Stallone's a quick target. How are you not shooting Shaquilone? Like, how? Just shoot him. It's a barn. He is a barn. He's a barn.

He's not the broadside. He is the bar. He's the actual barn. He's all of the, he's the broadside. He's the whole fucking thing. You have a laser gun. Turn it on. Go all the way to the left and then go all the way to the right. Yeah. Just hold the trigger down and, you know, back and forth it.

John Nelson will succeed. You'll cut them right in half. That'll the height of a normal man and then I mean there's a 20 minute there's such a long chase scene through the stockyards for this one that gets away

and this is what this movie really falls flat is Shaquille O'Neal is an action star and he just like you said before he can't do it he's just not he could barely run on the basketball court you know and that's just a set amount of feet back and forth

each way he's chasing after this kid through this train yard and you know all these like slowly moving trains. Like the engineer on the train track is like, hey, we're changing tracks right now. You're going to get killed out here. And like, it's all these trains slowly,

like connecting cars and they're having to run. It's like a really lame frogger. It's like Shaquille O'Neal's Frogger. Isn't it just a John Henry thing, I think? It's just them going back to that yet again. It gives his shit. Just to hit it on the head there. It's just like, make sure he's got to have a, his name is John Henry.

He's a big blackman. mythological character, but we have to make sure that you get it. You have to get it. And the issue here is that, like, the difference between action and adventure is that action is denoted by speed. Yeah. It's all about speed. Right.

Adventure is bulk. Adventure is fights and, like, big, like, you have to solve a riddle on the something something. Right. But, Shaq's not solving a riddle. But in that situation, I would almost forgive it because he doesn't have to be running everywhere. He doesn't have to be ducking things or anything like that.

Yeah, I guess I'd rather watch Shaq's. solve mysteries than try to run across train tracks. By the way, to take, to make light of this, like, serious situation, this, like, heinous fucking, like, Joker-style, heat-style bank robbery that's happening, after he pulls the woman from the wreckage, like, he looks at the dude who runs away and just goes, well, it's on now. Is it? Thanks.

Thanks for letting me know that it's finally on now. This movie's finally fucking started 40 minutes into it. That's number 87 of 4,582 drop lines like that. Where it's just like fucking, who cares that you said that it does nothing for the plot whatsoever. There's a lot of just winking at the camera with those lines too. We'll get to the biggest defender that. A minute. There's some, yeah, you're right.

I mean, that's, because the humor in this movie falls dead at every fucking turn. It's just that it's a, it's all, it's on now in puns after puns. Shaquille and knows, like, all right, the old neighborhood isn't what it used to be. I got to go and form a super team to solve the mystery of where these laser guns are coming from. Right. So he flies somewhere. I think, like, to some VA hospital, it's not in Los Angeles. No.

Well, he goes to wherever he last, he calls, wherever he last left. Sparky there. I almost called the Sharky. What the fuck Sharkey? Ray Sharkey. Yeah, Ray Sharkey. I think I was thinking of Ray, character actor Ray Sharky. R.

yeah anyway so so yeah no she he calls he's like oh I'm looking for lieutenant sparks or whatever and they're like she got transferred to someplace in St. Louis that's what it is because again another shack drop line

he's on the phone talking to nobody and he's like well where to go St. Louis and he's like oh my fucking God is this where he slams the phone down and the whole phone explodes no that's when he calls the colonel that's when he calls Colonel Charles Napier.

Colonel slit up the belly in like Charles Napier is on like a fucking phone in an army Jeep driving on some top secret mission and Shaq somehow reaches him from a

pay phone and they have a disagreement about something and Shaq slams the phone and the pay phone falls off the pole. The problem with Charles Napier is from now on like I cannot I cannot watch him and not think of him screaming his head off when Hannibal Lecter is about to beat him to death. Oh, he's Hannibal's masterpiece.

Yeah. He just... Now, is Charles Napier gets strung up like the angel? He's the one who gets full-Ay. That's fucking great. And he gets a lifetime pass because he voiced Duke and the critic. That's right. Is he dead?

I don't know. Let's look that up really quick because he is a fucking treasure and a half. Charles Napier, here we go. Oh, he did. Oh, man. That's a duke tastrophe. Oh, God. Charles Napier's death was a duke tastrophe.

You know what's more heartbreaking, though? His last thing was Archer. Oh, that's right. Who was he on Archer? He's the doctor who's trying to date Mallory when he finds out he has cancer. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, he's great out.

He was fucking great. Oh, that's a bummer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes to this. VA hospital and, you know, Annabeth Gish is, like, looking at the window, like, oh, my God, I'm paralyzed. And, like, it's kind of the, she's doing a little bit of a lieutenant Dan here. Yeah, she's almost, like, catatonic, it would seem. Like, she's really upset, you know, understandably so.

Which I kind of wish she was catatonic, because this is a chief scene. It's so, it's, oh, my God. All right, you know what, folks listening, get ready for some stupid stuff, okay? So he's like, come on, Shuck, you got to get up and get going because we got to save the old neighborhood. He's like, I'm not from there. I don't give a shit about your neighbors. I've got a real serious situation. It's going to take me years to figure this shit out.

I was technically born in British Columbia. And he goes, look outside. And he opens the window and the window falls out because he's like fucking, he's like Samson. He smashes this window open. It's like, it's the same thing you see, like, Bell do in Beauty and the Beast where she, like, very gently opens the, you know, the window and whatnot, like, looks out and greets the day and birds are singing. I mean, it's the same, like, the window still folds out, but the glass all falls out of it. It's ridiculous. And this whole place, which is like, it's not a crazy house or anything, but it is filled with, like, people with PTSD, you know, sure.

People like Annabeth Gish that just want to fucking end it all. There's a lot of medication time going on. Yeah, and he's just breaking this. window and all these people are like screaming like whoa what the fuck is going on fucking Danny DeVito's laughing in the corner it's so fucking weird and you know he's like come on let's save the old name which like no I you know really I'm just going to be paralyzed and bitter for a while as is my right as an American soldier uh-huh and he's like uh-uh spark you don't get a choice in this and he picks her up and she's like no no do not take me out of here do

not take me out of here. And he just takes her right out to the applaud. I mean, and this is what's really stupid because it's an officer and a gentleman reference. Because he's carrying her out of this room. And all these people are applauding what's going on. It's like, you know you're kind of technically

pretty much witnessing a kidnapping. More than that. You know that you know nothing about this situation at all, don't you? This seven-foot monster is taking this paralyzed woman away. Like, come on, somebody see something and say something. This monster in a purport polo. I mean, let's just say it.

I'll rag on this movie for not being progressive enough at the end. But right now it's quite progressive because it's the first time in American history, a black man tore a white woman away from where she was going and got an outstanding ovation for it. Congratulations, sir. Yeah, there wasn't one heinous old racist army man in that entire. VA hospital. Just clap it away. There's such bullshit in the scene too. Like when he comes in

he is not impressed with the facility whatsoever. So he says something about like oh well this is where all the tax dollars I pay go and I'm like I don't need to hear you talk about tax dollars. And then he's like you know you never responded to any of my

letters. I'm really concerned about you. And she goes, yeah, it was really nice of you. I got the wheelchair you sent me. What on earth are you doing, gifting a wheelchair to somebody? Look, John Henry, I'm just going to sit here and talk to Brad Pitt

about whatever the fuck he's rambling about, something about 12 monkeys, and like, I'm fine with that. That's okay, and that's my right to. No, uh, you've got to be my sidekick. And he just tears her way. And, you know, when you kidnap a woman, where are you going to take her?

The safest place you know, a junkyard in downtown Los Angeles. Angeles run by Richard Rowndry this is when I mean like he's had a story in career I mean he actually he was seven probably the same year did seven come out or 95 seven's 95 but I mean like

he shows up in good movies he shows up in bad movies this is when he shows up in bad movies and he is the bit he is the worst offender of these winking lines oh god should we just do it now yeah all right without any setup at all here's Richard Rountry ruining this movie

I did the metal work I especially like the shaft and ruining the memory of a great film franchise I don't even know if I can watch Shaft after this I think I think I think the Shaft remake really ruined the shaft

franchise I think that's soured the franchise and I think that was the same year as this or maybe it's later it might have been I mean regardless Jesus Christ this line and the context of it is they're making they're making Steel's hammer

his you know super hammer that it's like sonic powers yes and i mean and richard roundtree's favorite part is the shaft and if you notice the the like you know the the the tone in which he delivered this line like he knows what's going on and then what is so frustrating is they cut to like this three shot of them standing in this junkyard and annabeth gish and shack look at each other like oh richard and it's like no no one in this like okay maybe in the world of this movie the shaft film franchise exists that's fine but you know what this guy working in your junkyard only looks like shaft

it's not actually shaft so you shouldn't make that look the only way that works why he says it in such a weird way and like two people look at each other and laugh is if he's an old gay guy like he's just gay old uncle Joe and it's just like oh I like the chef like oh man

he is he is the living end isn't he will make that joke whenever he can he doesn't care who the audience is so they bring out of Kenneth Gish to Uncle Joe's warehouse. They're going to, like, they're going to form a super team. That's the whole thing. Uncle Joe is on board. Again, we haven't been introduced to this character

at all. And he's just like, oh, he's here, he's got, you know, all sorts of know-how, he's got his junkyard, and it's great. He's here, he's queer, and he owns a junkyard. I love the chef. Oh, Uncle Joe. Just stop it. Man, you are too much.

He doesn't care that he's known you for four seconds, Santa Beth. Sparky. Right. So sorry. They're compiling this super team. They compile this thing. And, you know, now it's time for a series of montages while they make steel steel suit. And, you know, they're both electrical geniuses. Uncle Joe's got, you know, all of the garbage you can afford. He's got this tin deck where they're going to put this fucking headquarters. There is a bit of bullshit where, like, they're trying to sell Sparky on this little operation that they have set up. And Richard Roundtree, like, drops this big old, like, computer mainframe on a table. And she's like a, you know, she's all impressed and whatnot. And she's like, oh, that's a S5-7 primitive flab.

And then he's like, yep. And she's like in near perfect condition. And it's the old like Richard Ranty, like, I heard it fell off the back of a truck. And you're like, oh, God, there's no way you're getting like this high grade computer technology. So in this movie where we're talking all about how crime isn't good that you should be like studying or anything. Yeah, stealing's fine. Yeah, it just steals shit. No, it's cool.

If you're stealing stuff in aid to become a harmful vigilante, then yes. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole message. As long as you're a harmful vigilante, do whatever you like. Well, it's the Robin Hood method, I believe, is what they're subscribing to in this movie. Yeah, she's like, oh, that's the biggest computer I've ever seen, and therefore the best. Ah, so Steele is born, and he's got, like, you know. It's the dumbest costume in human history.

It's really stupid because it's clearly not even close to metal at all. It's all plastic. It's a plastic robocop-looking thing. It's a costume. It's just a costume you would get from the house like Hill Harper's Slick Rick costume. It's another, it's a robocop costume you would get from a store. Like he's wearing like a cut-up football on his head. Like the mask is terrible.

The mask is really bad. And I mean, the thing is they, Kenneth Johnson, the director who also did. a bunch of nerd stuff like he did v he did the incredible hulk tv show alienation alienation all this stuff and he his like quincy jones wanted to make a hero for like urban youths and for whatever reason kenneth johns was like no he's a knight and shining armor so he does look like chain mail and stuff it looks it's not what the costume is in the in the in the comics at all it looks really terrible and i mean it goes towards the the thing about like nobody being able to hit him but dude your eyes are way vulnerable. Your chin

and neck are completely vulnerable. It's so stupid. So there's another robbery going on at one point and they're like shooting at him with machine guns. Yep. Just spray his face. Yep. Yeah. And he's instantly dead.

Like they're going for the chest and he's just laughing and smiling at them. It's like, you see that big toothy smile? Just aim for that. And you got him. Just turn him into a super. I don't get why they just don't make a point of really hammering at home he's a superhero hammering at home yeah exactly what i see what you're like all all you have to because first of all the reason he's lumbering around

like this is because it's a huge heavy it's supposed to be a steel suit which would weigh down everybody in the world they make reference to how much it weighs at one point when he's trying to jump like from rooftop to rooftop or whatever and she's like you know oh this suit adds 75 pounds to you or whatever it's like first of all shack without that suit on ain't making this jump you know like shack was not that kind of a basketball player because he didn't have to be because he's sort of a monster but also it's a steel it's an entire steel suit 75 pounds a steel suit to fit Shaquille o'neal like a steel suit for me maybe it's like 95 pounds I've had I had to bring home groceries

that are more than 75 pounds. Oh, really? That's a lot of groceries. Well, I mean, like, for a party. Watermelon party? Watermelon party? You got liquor going on. A concrete party? A barbell party. So, you know, his first night out,

it's superhero's first night. That's the problem, and you're right. This movie's like, oh, are we a superhero movie? Are we, you know, a movie about, you know, urban development, or are we a movie about a guy that should be playing basketball? I was like, eh. And, like, if this is a superhero's first night out part, and they even steal the old fucking Superman thing

where a guy's drinking his drink and then, like, looks at Shaquille O'Neal, it's like, what? What am I drinking? Oh, it's so stupid. And he encounters a mugger John Hawks. Oh, God. Academy Award winner, John Hawks?

No, nominated. Nominated a couple times. I mean, amazing actor, John Hawks. You know, early days of John Hawks. You know, early days of John Hawks' acting career, this movie. He just mugs this, like, this snooty couple that I guess was coming from, like, you know, some theater events. Yeah. Well, they have a playbill, so I think they saw some, you know, production.

And he steals the dude's wallet and whatever. And, you know, it's Shaquille O'Neal, like, oh, you might want to reconsider that. You're like, oh, Jesus. And he, like, nails John Hawks to, like, a pole. Yeah. You know, it's so dumb. And it's a really, and here's the other thing. Like, you know, Batman, whatever.

Batman will tie somebody up and leave it for the fucking police. This is like, he nails him to the pole, takes the wallet back to this guy. Like, I believe this is yours. Like, just stop. Just leave it at his feet and the police department will take care of it. Well, there's also this in, this goes in with all the one-liners. But, like, the amount of times they reference Batman, in reference to a Superman movie.

Yeah. is so insane Ray J at one point is like I could be your robin I'm like fuck you no you can't wrong franchise and then he does

the harness hook and show me a harness that's pulling this thing yeah that thing is working overtime it does break at one point in this movie it would have to

by the way the end of this scene you're talking about the difference between steel and Batman is he ends the scene by going on an escalator going on an escalator going on an

escalator and right before he's by the way first of all walking on a upbound escalator backwards so he can watch them or they can watch him go I don't know but as he steps on it he says you'll be cool now shut up Shaq just

shut up please shut up and he gets into a scrape with a gang two gangs are warring and like this is where everyone's got machine guns are all shooting it at him and by the way director Kenneth Johnson to prepare for this movie and get the tone just right he spent one day at a youth center in south central to get the verbiage correctly so somebody

says i'm going to smoke you like a blunt and it's just it comes off as fucking clunky as that shit you're going to smoke somebody like a blunt as in like what sit down put on a cool movie and have a great night in what the fuck does that that's not a threat at all or you're going to cut them open and fucking gut them out and put fucking all sorts of great stuff inside of and light the bottom of them. That's a real shitty way to go. That is a shitty way to go. Also in this, you know, this comes up here and there,

because obviously this wasn't like a $100 million movie. No. But this is the first instance where Shaq or, you know, Steele runs a foul of two LAPD officers, and these two cops have, you want to talk about costume party stuff, in this movie. Oh, yeah. These are the most unconvincing police uniforms you have

ever seen in your life. I would have rather these two dudes got out of the car dressed as the Keystone cops. Because at least I would be like, all right, well, that's a kind of a police uniform. These guys are dressed like janitors. They look like security officers for a fucking country club. And this dude, I think the character actor's name is Tom Barry. Yeah, he's also in West Wing. Yeah, he plays Sergeant Marcus,

this like nothing police officer. And, like, the way he's kind of, like, he's got the mustache just right and the hair's just right. I was like, I wish this dude was played by Reginald Vell Johnson so hardcore. Sweet mother, that'd be great. Because it's like, you know, it's a supporting cop character that's like kind of comically getting thrust into a situation. They don't want to be in sort of a thing. I mean, so, yeah, you know, he beats the gang and all that shit. And, I mean, he's got, now we finally have a movie where it's still going out on adventures and he's got his crack team at home.

which is Uncle Joe and What's Her Face? Sparky. Sparky. Oh, this was the question I had because what winds up happening is here's a woman who's in a wheelchair, you know, helping a command center type thing. Isn't this kind of like an Oracle knockoff? Is this proto Oracle or what's going on? Oracle existed at this point. Yeah.

So this, but this isn't supposed to be like a different world version of Oracle. Oracle was always Barbara Gordon? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Because it's a handicapped young woman with a computer helping people out. Yeah, exactly. I mean, they just kind of picked from the candy store and just like, oh, let's just see what sticks, I guess.

But did Steele, so we'll go back to resident comic expert Steve Sadek, did Steele have like this team of people? Or was it more just like he was just this vigilante dude? I mean, he was just, I mean, like really, Steele, I mean, to put two final point on it, it was really just African American Iron Man. like he just he built his own suit he had all sorts of cool and like and the suit could do things like fly and like it gave him super strength all damn it why aren't we putting this in because it costs money yeah it costs money and like he had a red cape like like superman and oh really yeah see i feel like that's kind of pushing it towards spawn like like this dark steel you know because at least with this costume because it ain't shiny steel it's like shit colored you know foam spray painted plastic So he had a cape and everything But that's the thing This movie didn't want to do a superhero movie

It wants to do just a guy on the street That gets a suit or whatever And apparently all of America is lighting up over steel He's all over news reports And it's hilarious because It's Shaquille O'Neal in a fucking barely concealed costume And no one can figure out whose steel is Oh, this is

I mean it's worse than Clark Kent Superman Because that's like supposed to be That's the joke about Superman It's like whatever Because that's kind of one of those things I don't appreciate about Superman But whatever, who cares? Because he's a nice clean cut six foot one

Yeah Superman's a sensibly heightened individual If I'm the LAPD The aptly named LAPD And they're like oh we've got a vigilante That's illegal. How do we find him? Well, all right, reports say he's between 7-2 and 75 Let me just type that into my computer

Oh, there's only one person in America. That's that that's tall. And it's not currently in the NBA. Let's arrest him. We got, we got Shaq, George Mirr's son, and the dude who played lurch in the Adams family movies. Who's doing what? Well, the Cambay Matambo was in New York, was at the garden last night, so it couldn't have been him. Well, the thing I was complaining about with the Superman thing is like, that's the joke with Superman.

And everybody has to accept it till the end of fuck time. Fine. but like Batman's got the cowl all over the place you can't tell that it's Bruce Wayne really even sometimes that's pushing it but it's just clearly Shaquille O'Neal wearing some sort of a leatherhead thing you know what I mean it's like

he's wearing a football helmet essentially yes it's so obviously him and like Ray J's running around like oh I could be you robin blah blah blah and like he's fooling Irma P. Hall at one point like just everybody stop it well I mean she's the same woman who thought that the French and the soul food

hadn't come together so maybe maybe we're just you know he's gonna invent creole cuisine in 1997 the kids in this movie this is a nice little

comparison I enjoyed making to myself the kids in this movie are kind of like the foot clan and Judd Nelson is definitely the shredder of this situation

because also they have the same kind of and this is sort of weird too and it kind of gets into like a weird sort of pedophiles territory a little bit because like so Judd Nelson is recruiting all these

kids off the streets to come be these like gun runners and be in this gang and whatever and so Ray J is recruited you know a friend of a friend says to Ray J like oh I'm working at this sick arcade factory there's an arcade factory yeah those are real that's weird come to check it out and like they get down there

and this is really awkward because like he walks in and he's like so here's the place and Judd Nelson comes out and what's Ray J's name Martin and Judd Nelson is just like oh you must be Martin I've heard a lot of good things about you

yeah that's creepy as fuck and Ray J's just like oh really that's cool yeah and he's like puts his arm around him and he's like I'm gonna take you on a tour of this factory now Martin I got a van to show you and the dude who brings Ray J to the factory looks at like Ray J's got his back to him and Judd Nelson looks back at this kid and this kid looks at Judd Nelson the kid's looking at him like you're gonna make this

kids suck your dick aren't you just like you made me do it you fucking piece of shit i'm done doing you're dirty there's so much in this one look and i was like he might be molesting all of these kids he even says you can call me the man yeah oh yeah the man it's so ridiculous and it's like you know you could totally see like he molest this kid and then it's like you don't want your friends to know you're on the down low right well now you got to run guns for me i just get it's he plays it like a fucking pedophile and I don't know how nobody caught this well I mean that that's kind of the problem with Jud Nelson's villain is all right so we've got steel and we've got a bad guy

he's just a white business man he's got to get dipped in acid he's got to get a fucking plate in his head or some sort of robot suit I need to be a villain yeah something's got to happen somebody's got to say something but again it's this movie trying to be like well we don't be a superhero movie he's just he's a white guy that's it that's great and then the only thing we see of him do it that's like other than the like the only direct like evil evil thing he does is to get rid of this woman who is like kind of not on board with all the murdering and the neo weapons

and all that stuff witchblade oh yes witch blade you may call her witch blade madam witchblade um adam witch madam oh yeah i'm adam witchblade no not you adam we'll get to you in a minute it's always happening um so jennelson goes uh And he's, like, going to an elevator, and he sees which blade get on an elevator with devil voice. With the devil himself. With the devil himself. And he saves the devil himself, kind of. Well, there's a couple other innocent number crunchers on this elevator.

You know, the eighth floor working for, like, you know, keely cosmetics, just crunching numbers. Well, no, is it, Dantastic Inc. Yeah, that's the company name is Dantastic Inc. So the devil gets off, the elevator. Yes. And thank you very much. The doors closed and Witchblade at the very last minute is like, no! And, like, he has some bomb and it cuts off the cord,

and the elevator plummets to the bottom floor, killing everybody. And, like, there's a huge explosion when it hits. 12 people are dead easily. Yeah, oh, yeah. It's an outright tragedy. Other than that, though, really, like, there's no, like, really not-cartoony scene where he's just, like, doing something evil, just straight up evil. And that's what I need.

I need him, I need, oh, sorry. You know, I could have just said this. I need stakes. Yeah, there needs to be some stakes. The only thing I will say that I don't even know if they get around to it or not, but there's the one kid who, back, the kid that Shaq is chasing through the train yard and whatever, you know, Judd Nelson gets upset that this dude like almost fucked up the whole operation and he's like, take care of that kid.

You got to send a message to the rest of these kids. that I may or may not be molesting, that they can't be, you know, mucking up the works here. Do they kill that kid? Yeah, they do, because at a certain point, he says, oh, I'll do to you like I did to Reggie or whatever. Right, but it's an off-screen taking care of business, yeah. I mean, that's the thing is that I mean, you don't even know what this guy's deal is. He's just kind of making these laser guns and just robbing banks with him kind of boringly. I mean, there's another, steal second night out he finally finds the guys.

It's another bad fight in this movie. a big shootout and the hilarious part in it is uh and this sort of leads into the this you know the the latter half of this movie so there's this big shootout and the cops are chasing steel at the same time they're trying to deal

with this this uh it's another robbery they're robbing the federal reserve uh you know I guess you go from like a little nothing bank to immediately to the federal reserve Los Angeles whatever that's you got laser guns it's a fine escalation and there's like a chopper

and they use the super weapon to shoot down this chopper and there's, you know, not Reginald Vell Johnson like staring up at this falling chopper and Shaq as steel like runs and pushes this dude out of the way and by the way, here's Shaq, kind of a monster, in a gigantic steel suit landing on this man with seemingly no consequence to this guy's internal organs whatsoever. But they have this like, like the dude looks into Shaq's eyes

and Shaq smiles at him and gets up and runs away. This leads into, John Henry is arrested in his grandmother's home. Yep. Because they finally pieced together he's eight feet tall. Well, they determined, yes. They'd gone to the circus. They harass that guy. They're like, all right, well, it's clearly John Henry Irons.

They went to the set of Adam's family values, and that actor was busy. So, yeah, they're like, all right, you know, these are military-grade weapons. John Henry just left the service. He's Steele and they're blaming him for all these robberies and everything, even though clearly there's a gang of multiple people doing these things, but yeah, who cares about details? So he gets arrested in his grandmother's home hilariously.

They're like, oh yeah, isn't it pretty crazy? All this stuff with this steel guy or whatever. And it's kind of like this conversation they're dancing around like whether or not she knows that Shack is steel. It's your Spider-Man-At-May conversation. Yes, exactly. And Irma P. Hall goes like, are you?

And before he could say anything, this SWAT team smashes through this old lady's window. Also, which I don't understand. Like, get a warrant. Like, knock on the door. Why the SWAT team? I guess because they think they might, you know, he might be in this little old lady's house dressed up in the steel.

Oh, yeah, that's fair. You know, in which case they'd have to just taser his chin and he's out. And, you know. So what they do, when they go in there, it's kind of not even for the steel thing. They find, they find a planted, I believe, Judd Nelson gun in his basement. Oh, that's right. Yes. They're like, oh, here's one of them

now. It'd be great if the way they take him down is the way the Lilliputians took down Gulliver, just a bunch of like ropes and pulleys. Cut to Shack like tied down on a beach somewhere. So Shack goes to jail. I mean, this is fucking fantastic.

Because this movie has no idea how police lineups work. A police lineup is as follows. The suspect that police are hoping the witness identifies and then five other dudes that are paid to be there.

It's either volunteers trying to make some money if you look like a scumbag. It's an easy way to pick up 50 bucks or it's just cops. What it is in this movie is a room full of criminals. It's all criminals. And then Shaq's standing there and they're like step forward and

say this line or whatever it is. And it's all these guys like not taking it seriously and blah step forward and change this light bulb without using a ladder it's you step forward and paint this ceiling well that's like he's got a really like he could get an acquittal really quick because that lineup in a lineup you're supposed to have people who all look alike nope that's how it's it so they would have to go and hunt down the other seven foot eight people so you get lurch george marison de keembe metambo and shack in a room akim elajuan get the dream in there for sure um So they bring the rich couple in, and the whole thing is like, oh, well, it's clearly him. But the rich couple doesn't want to turn him in because, you know, they're like, listen, officers, this guy was fighting on the right side of the law. So they're like, nope, not him. Sorry.

And they leave. And this dude, this detective is clearly like, all right, you're lying to me. Get the fuck out of here. Stop wasting my time. They bring in this other police officer who, you know, Shaq has since saved his life. So this dude knows that he's not a bad guy. And he's like, oh, you know, sorry to. detective, he's not there. This guy probably

ruins his career just to save Shaq. It's like, oh yeah, you were up for a promotion to lieutenant, but guess what? You totally lied during that questioning. You're never going anywhere. And after getting sacked by steel, he's not even on crutches. I don't understand how this dude still has a ribcage. Those organs

are dust. Jello. He should be in Sparky's wheelchair. Or just one of those full body casts? Speaking of Sparky's wheelchair, uh, Shack is immediately freed from prison because Sparky uses a little bit of fake technology. You know, he wants some fake technology. She calls the district attorney of Los Angeles pretending to be a representative from the mayor's office just to get this dude to say a couple of things into the phone.

And I was like, oh, okay, she's going to like piece it together, I guess. And she asked him all the right questions so she could like, you know, cut together him being like, I'm the DA, let him free. No, no, no. Her supercomputer just needed enough bits of hearing him to make a full fucking, like, voice modulator. Yeah, sure. And she calls up, and she's just talking to the phone like Annabeth Gish, and it's coming out like this DA. And she's just like, I demand that you let John Henry go. And that's it. He's out of jail.

So that was a nice pit stop for this movie. I mean, this movie has more computer magic than copycat. I mean, like, how they're getting lines out to this junkyard is fucking beyond me. me. That's Richard Roundtree's magic. So last act of this movie is

as follows. Judd Nelson's been, I guess, it's all been leading up to this where he, he starts calling up all the super criminals

of the world. He's got some Nazis. He's got like, some terrorists. What it is, is they're like, as soon as the Federal Reserve thing

happens, they're like, put the tape, like, they cast their, the Judd Nelson hackers. are told to put the tape on TV.

And like, apparently, in all TVs across the globe, all these guys are watching the L.A. News to see the footage of these laser weapons. And they're like, get me that. Give me that. I want that. Well, I think they might simulcast it over the internet because the whole thing, they cut to, like, the neo-Nazis. And it's these dudes just like on this computer.

And they're like, oh, man, look at these weapons that we. could buy and it's this it's a shitty joke about like yeah the internet's for more than just looking at porn and all these like Nazis are sitting around like here yeah so yeah there's like this big villain summit and it's it's the neo-nazies a couple of middle eastern terrorists Boris and Natasha are there like it's really stupid Dracula shows up I've armed your automatic weapons oh conies there there's a coni there yeah yeah yeah a couple of like African nationals or whatever. So they're just all in this room for Judd Nelson's presentation.

And, you know, Annabeth Gish is a woman, so she gets kidnapped, clearly. And, you know, Steele goes to save her. By the way, Judd Nelson, you could have just had this summit go off without a fucking hitch. Major money got the fuck out of there. If you just didn't kidnap the one guy that could stop you. Don't kidnap. Yeah, don't kidnap the assistant.

Or his kind of sort of girlfriend, depending on who you're ass. But so, like, Shaq, try. to like sneak in and this dude catches Jack sneak it in by the way Shack lurches in as quietly as possible which is sort of just like a horse trotting by

Is there an earthquake going on? Why is this whole place Shick? Oh hi Jack! And you know he's like above and he's watching everything oh by the way Judd Nelson murders that blonde dude who was like supposedly financing this whole Oh Willie. Yeah that dude just gets murdered Not enough of the Lord of Darkness in this movie either

like he's kind of set up as a big bag and he doesn't do much of anything. He doesn't do nothing. He doesn't split into a demon, that's for sure. The only thing we know is that... No, I do not. All we know is that he's under Judd Nelson's thumb because he's scared of Judd Nelson.

Yeah, he's petrified of Judd Nelson. Man, he could snap his neck like a fucking toothpick. So this dude, like, that sneaks up behind Shaq, like, Shaq's, like, above them watching everything in this warehouse, and this dude's like, well, hey, Shaq, and, like, puts a gun to his head, and then pushes him out this window. Shack falls right in front of Judd Nelson

And he's like, ah, perfect. Now we can see, like, what my weapons are going to do. And then we commence the shootout Because here comes Annabeth Gish, like, wheeled in, gun to her head. Luckily, she's had the foresight to soup up this wheelchair, silver bullet style. Oh, yeah, it's got rockets and missiles and all sorts of bullshit. And of course, it's an action superhero movie. So she goes, what?

You're supposed to have all the fun? Oh, Jesus. Yes, I am, because I'm the titular hero of this movie. Also, the first time Shaquille O'Neal uses his hammer gun, he says, It's Hammer Time, everybody. That's what somebody learned. You know, I love it if Kenneth Johnson's in South Central talking to all these fucking, like, street kids. And they're like, oh, no, yeah, we say Hammer Time all the time.

Oh, excellent. I'm getting a lot of good stuff for my screenplay. You think MC Hammer saw this movie in theaters and then immediately thought about trying to sue them? Absolutely. If you could just get a lawyer on the phone, he would have. Couldn't stop tripping over his parachute pants. I don't think any of it because I think he says that whenever he fix up the phone. It's hammer time. I think that's why no lawyer will take him seriously.

I mean, yeah, we're the last act. Everyone's fighting each other. I mean, Judd Nelson kills, no, almost kills Hill Harper, but then Hill Harper just escapes and it's like, who cares? Yeah, all the Foot Clan all realize their, you know, children and run back to their parents. Eli is Coates. family you call this family that over there that's family

man I would love it if there was just a fucking disgruntled middle-aged white man yelling at these kids there's a I mean the bit of bullshit about this action sequence right is like Anna Beth Gish is just like shooting everybody with this fucking super wheelchair and Steele is literally

standing there watching it's again like watching her crawl back into the chair Steele's just using his magnet power he uses his fucking magnet to get his thing back. And then I think it's her who kills Judd Nelson. I'm almost positive.

No, no, no, no. She wheels her way out of there. She rocket wheels her way over there, by the way. It's so fucking silly. That is the silver bullet style. But no, like Judd Nelson's there and Shaq uses the... No, what happens is... We've got to talk about the free throw.

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, wait. You do your part first. Okay, so Judd Nelson pulls out Ray J and he's like, ah, this matters. and everyone was like, oh, no. So for five seconds, you think Ray J. is going to get killed because you're a fucking retard.

Shack spells him from Judd Nelson's creepy clutches. And they wind up in like a storeroom closet. And the devil himself is like, I've got you. And he throws a grenade in there. And for four minutes, Ray J. and Shaq are looking at this grenade. Like, well, what are we going to do with it?

I don't know. It is ridiculous. The timing on this is done. The amount of time that passes. I don't know. What do you do? We certainly can't just pull it through this fucking hardwood, these plywood, these plywood walls. You're in a goddamn steel super suit. Rip the door off the hinges. And Shaq, he gives, Ray J. gives him the grenade.

And he's like, come on, throw through that really narrow hole up there. And Shaq says, I can't make three throws. And it's like, I fucking know you're a basketball player. I was trying to be invested in your movie for five fucking seconds, but you wouldn't let me do it, would you? So at the end, he has to make a fucking free throw to slave the day, and it lands on the devil himself, and he goes right back to hell. Then, so then he decides he's going to break the door down, by the way.

They break out of this thing, and there's Judd Nelson like, ha-ha, I have you now, and he's got like the super gun, it's all, like, you know, ready to go, and he shoots it at Shaq and whatever because it's steel who fucking could possibly care he says still bulletproof the sound wave

goes onto Shaq like hits him in the chest and bounces back and hits Jud Nelson and Jud Nelson goes flying back into a pile of cardboard boxes and then this whole

fiery ceiling falls down on him like it is some perfect ass like mini golf get the ball into the dragon's mouth like timing it's so great it's kind of the only good part of the movie but I mean Judd Nelson goes up in flames

which you know good for him all pedophiles should but wait a minute and am I imagining that like he got hit by the wave machine before and it actually hit him yeah I'm almost positive of this

I mean I don't know like once choice with the tiny ones. This is his new model wave gun that he has to get from his truck. Well, how about this? I think that's supposed to lead you to believe that John Henry Irons is a much better weapons builder than Judd Nelson.

He out thinks him in the end, Chris. I guess so. Shaquille O'Neal out thinks him in the end. Well, how about that? I never thought the ending of steel would be so cerebral. It was all just a mind game. A game of telepathic chess between

Shaquille O'Neal and the Breakfast Club's Judd Nelson. It really is just like the end of X2. Man, I would love it if this movie ended with like Judd Nelson with a bunch of chains, like tie him to a dam and Shaq's using like his magnet powers to keep him there.

That he's just screaming for that damn to break. God damn, that's a great movie. That's a great movie. And then fucking the end, I mean, the real end of it is fucking we're at, We're at the opening of black and blue. Back, okay, we're back at grandma's house where the front lawn is the restaurant. Now, this lady needs to get locked up.

I'm sorry. I mean, this is how stupid. I mean, you're right, because it's kind of just like humor the crazy old lady. Because it's just like a bunch of plastic shitty lawn furniture on the sidewalk. And there's like a kind of a shitty grand opening banner. And it's like, hey, we're all here for grandma's restaurant. Great job, grandma. You opened a restaurant.

And you invented a new kind of food. Wow. What's this? You say you called this et tufei? You just figured it out, huh? Wow. What a great name. Interesting.

And I mean, like, dude, John Henry, you took Annabeth Gish out of that hospital home. There's a vacancy at that home. You are in the military. I'm pretty sure you could just fucking get her in there, you know? You might still have some benefits. I mean, you just save the world from Judd Nelson. Hey, Grandma, you know who would love your food? The city of St. Louis at this Veterans Hospital.

Oh, so then it's great because, you know, they're all there having a great time eating Grandma's unoriginal food. Grandmas' unoriginal food? That's what they just called the restaurant. That'd be a great name for them. like off-brand thing. Yeah, that's brand X. This is grandma's unoriginal food. Grandma's yeah, right

cuisine. Oh my God. The last thing is that, so you know, I don't know how it gets set up, but Annabeth Gish reveals that she's modified her wheelchair so that it can make her stand kind of. It's really awkward.

She's like, and I've made some more adjustments. It takes four minutes, and she's standing. It's the, it's the motorized recliner that my dear grandmother had that helped their stand up out of a chair. Like, that's what it is. And for standing up, this is kind of like Hannibal, again, Hannibal Lecter. She's strapped into the, there's a board and she's got a seatbelt on. Like, as a handicapped person, like, what is this doing for you?

She goes to Irma P. Hall's like, I heard you, you breastfed Shaquille O'Neill. Stiffin your nipples, didn't it? Five, ten, five, eleven, slide a bell. Man. Oh, and so that's when they should kiss, by the way. That's what I'm talking about. It's grandma and Uncle Joe look at each other like, oh, young love. And it's, it's so clearly that. And they lean in and give each other a friendly hug.

Like, seriously, would the world have. ended like what the fuck it's so stupid it's chicken shit I'm sorry you get absolutely no credit for it you don't get half credit it's zero credit less than nothing you get points off for being a fucking wimp

yeah movie like seriously now here's what I will give this movie credit for and you know with a lot of the stuff we've been talking about recently I feel especially last week with Godzilla this movie does not make

any it doesn't have any preconceived notion that there might be a sequel oh no they they knew they it was going on it just ends at the grand opening of the humor her cafe and you know we kick up that late 90s rmb and that's it there's no like you're not going to believe this it doesn't end with him on another call like the streets will never be safe like it's over with i mean i think he kind of almost says something, I mean, I don't, I don't, being steel, it kind of says, yeah, I mean, you know, I don't want to backtrack, but there is a thing where he's like talking to, to Charles Napier. To Charles Napier. Using an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice box, get it everybody. And it's just this thing where he's like, you know, my days with being steel or over with or whatever, which like, I guess could go either way. Like he could be lying to him. But at least it's not ending with steel running at the camera with that fucking hammer. You know, and Ray J. by his side as Lil General or what, you know. Are that fucking football helmet just coming at you? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Bursting through the television set, like Monday Night Football. So this is kind of sort of a Superman movie, right? That's kind of the reason we did it. Correct. With our friend Man of Steel coming out on Friday. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's tangentially related to Superman. They keep calling him the Man of Steel in this movie.

You see Shaquille O'Neal's real Man of Steel tattoo. Yeah, but this movie, for whatever reason, decided not to use any Superman anything. Now, John Henry Irons, like, he's not, you know, bitten by a kryptonite mosquito or anything like that. He's just a dude. Just Black Iron Man. Yeah, all right. I mean, how do you not acknowledge it? But still, like, one of the best scenes of the first Iron Man movie is him making the suit.

Like, why not put a little mythology into your movie? Just a little bit. And, like, I understand that you're, like, Quincy Jones, here so you know you want to make more of like a social commentary yeah but you or a soundtrack film but you've fucked that up so bad yeah from beginning to end and you've essentially made an entire joke of the cause that you were really going for uh-huh why not just have some fun once you know that you've really fucked it up just go and have some fun with it yep yeah i mean here's how you end steel by the way here's what it is and i don't even know if this matches up

with the timeline of the comic, right? So you said, like, it's Superman's dead, whatever. And it doesn't matter, because you're not in this world, really, but you should acknowledge it some way, right? We're at the Humor Her Cafe, the phone rings, like, oh, John Henry, it's for you, come get the phone, picks up the phone, yeah, this is John Henry Irons, John Henry Irons, this is Clark Kent. I'd love to talk to you about a story.

Credits, that's it, that's all you need to do. And that's fine, and that's something. you're giving the movie anything whatsoever. Connected somehow. Well, you wouldn't want to do it. You wouldn't want one line in this movie to take the audience out of the movie, Andrew, that'd be a fucking cry. You wouldn't just drop a line in there

to wink at the camera and distract everybody from the story you're setting up. Would anybody recommend this? I would not. Yeah, it just, it fails at every level. I mean, Shaq's abominable to watch. I mean, we haven't talked much. I mean, he's a really bad actor. Of course. Yeah, yeah. One of the greatest basketball players ever played

really notably terrible actor just can't I mean like he can't even really modulate his voice that well I think he's a pretty poor sports commenter too he is it's a horrendous mistake that he does T&T and Lally and he's next to fucking Charles Barkley who's amazing but yeah I mean I just

just a big fan no Chris absolutely not I mean this and I said a little bit in a minute ago there but I really I have a there's a special place in my version of hell for movies that try to make social issues but also try to make a kiddie shit. Like it really like

And like You could even do like a fucking like a lethal weapon three scene man That's all I'm looking for is like you Somebody ex-in got shot And you know like you're actually talking about these things But like essentially he uses like The whole message of the movie is just It is the Robin Hood thing

But like he doesn't really give anything back to the community You don't even see those scenes of him doing something specifically for the community helping like I don't know put up a new wing at the hospital or whoever like whatever just something if you're going to do that movie do that movie and I'm not going to give you too much shit for it

the John Henry Irons research wing for gigantism that'll do I would very lightly recommend this movie only because I find it hilariously terrible to me

it really does start dragging the last like third of the movie for sure but I mean he is just so phenomenally terrible and I'm kind of a sucker for cinematic mistakes this big I mean this is a miss step like nobody's business we did not gross two million dollars it cost like 17 or 18 million yeah they couldn't even get that money back and I mean Shaquille knew it was a huge draw that was that was the whole point is well you know we get all those basketball fans and the kids love them because how did Did Kazam do okay?

No. Was that a disaster as well? It was pretty much a disaster. And it came out before this movie. Yeah. So it's so great too because it's like these idiot studio executives, they got duped again. They did it. How do you not learn a lesson from Kazam?

Holy Christ. All he had to do is play a genie, which is kind of the broadest spectrum you have. And you know what? Speaking of DC Comics movies, I would watch this movie again rather than Green Lantern. Yes, absolutely. Just put a stake right there. Sure.

Yeah, I can go with that one. Because, I mean, there's no flying shit pile. Man, that's a fucking story for another day. And that's steal. Oh, good God. Everybody okay? Everybody? We're all still breathing?

I didn't steal myself enough. Oh, man. If you want to get a hold of us, check out the website for more show info. WHM podcast.com. Like us on Facebook. Facebook, follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast, right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. If you use iTunes to subscribe to the show, please leave a rating and review. That'll help improve the show profile in the iTunes store. You can also catch us on Stitcher Radio. You can download the Stitcher app, stream the most recent five episodes on the go. Our good buddy, Eric Siska's program, Blame it on Outer Space. The first Wednesday of every month, Eric deconstructs a conspiracy theory or a paranormal tale and a comedic fashion with him and his guests. Blame it on Outer Space. outer space.com. They're on Facebook. They're on Twitter at Blamespacepod. And they're in iTunes and Stitcher as well. Chris's movie reviews can be found on slant.com. That's it for this week.

Come back next week. More blockbusters. We're going to keep this train rolling. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen's in at. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. We're going to be.