We Hate Movies - S3 Ep115: Bad Boys II

Episode Date: June 18, 2013

In this week's episode the gang visits the island nation of Cuba in the ridiculous, murder-happy sequel, Bad Boys II! How is Will Smith allowed to kill people no matter what? Why do they keep tailing villains using the flashiest of cars? And how long can Will Smith stare at a dead boob? Plus: Was Mr. Cunningham from Happy Days in the Klan? Bad Boys II stars Will Smith, Martin Lawrence, Gabrielle Union, Jordi Molla and Joe Pantoliano; directed by Michael Bay. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Eric Siska. Chris Gabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Welcome to the third week of our third ever summer blockbuster extravaganza.

SBE3. Hashtag SBE3, by the way. We set that up last week on steel. Let's see if we can keep that going. This week, have we tackled a Michael Bay movie before we pop in the Bay Cherry? I think we discussed them a little bit

in Twister. Well, no, no, not Twister, in Deep Impact because we were comparing. The comparison to Armageddon. I don't think we've actually touched down on a Michael Bay project yet. Well, here we are. I honestly think there's no better place to start than a sequence of some kind

2003's Bad Boys Duh No actually It's bad boys Two and a half hours That's how goddamn long this is Bruce Valanche everybody I mean it is

Yeah we can start right there It is unnecessarily long It's an epic It's an epic of Miami Miami The Miami saga Why can no one to pronounce shit correctly in this movie

That Caliano can't say feng shui properly. Because it's funny. It's funny making fun of silly words that other cultures have. People will love it. It's an action comedy. I mean, everybody has trouble saying those words, right? No.

No, nobody does actually. So, Bad Boys 2. It's several years after the first bad boys. That was like back in the 90s. You know, when you could have action buddy cop comedy things. It's 97, 98. I think it's 95. really it's a long time ago oh okay because like and i'll say this uh michael bay in the nineties i'm on board

bad boys i think it's a good movie i think it's a good cop movie i love the rock rock is one of my favorite action movies of all time and i forgive armageddon most of its trespasses i i shouldn't and i certainly cringe at the bad parts more than i would cringe at almost anything else. But I kind of give it a pass because after that it got really stupid. So, yeah. Oh, go ahead. Oh, well, not only that, but like Armageddon, you had

deep impact fresh in your mind. Yeah, exactly. So you're like, oh, yeah, it's better. Yeah, I mean, and, I mean, we've, we went over this before, but like, you put Michael Clark Duncan into something. I'm, like, if you comparison shopping, Michael Clark Duncan's always what I'm going for. So just you're going to go to the old IMDB here, check out this filmography a little bit.

Also, this is him going back to his baby. Bad Boys was his first huge movie. Right. Before that, he did music videos, right? Music videos, and I think there was, there's a feature called, like, play that funky music from 1990, which I don't think anyone saw. Maybe we should fucking check the WHM archives for that shit on. But, yeah, so it was Bad Boys. Yeah, it was 95.

Then you had The Rock, which is a, it's a truly excellent action movie. Armageddon, which, you know, whatever. It's watchable, shitty disaster movie. movie nonsense. Then you had Pearl Harbor. That's where it happened. Speaking of Epic. Worse than the actual Pearl Harbor. I'll go on record.

Some like 85 year old man just spit his teeth out in his oatmeal. Our octogenarian, we hate movies fit. Thank you for your service, sir. Because that's actually, I just called this a Michael Bay epic. That is an epic because that movie is like four hours long or some

shit. It's like three and a half hours. I remember I was hung over one day and I sat there and watched it. I just broke my little iPad stand here. Anyway, I ended up seeing that in theaters. Really? That's a long time to be at the movies. Yeah, I was, it was towards a phase where I wanted to be left alone. And you liked air conditioning.

Yeah. Lots of air conditioning. All that air conditioning. I grew up without air conditioning. So going to the movie theater was a big, big, big treat. A big to do. Yeah. And then so, you know, then this happens.

Bad Boys 2, excuse me, in 2003, pardon. Getting all excited for that third one, huh? Yeah. And then it just, it almost, you got the island from 2005. I haven't seen it. It's terrible. Oh, really? Is that a bad one?

And then he's just been doing transformer movies and then pain and gain. And then there's just, there's more transformers on the way. And more bad boys on the way. I guess we're doing another bad boys. He's also obviously a big producer. I'm not going to read his whole fucking film. Well, you, I mean, you definitely shouldn't. I'm actually kind of pissed that I haven't seen Panning Game for this because I hear such good things.

I've heard really positive things about Paying Game. Oh, really? Oh, good. All right. So not all hope is lost. Yeah, it may be bad. It may not. But, you know, I know you guys were defending bad boys a little bit earlier, but I never saw bad boys and I never saw bad boys too until now.

And I've been doing these rewatch things. Like, I watched all those maniac cop movies for the first time. right get a feel of the franchise i'm like we need to know where we're going yeah you know and then i tried to watch bad boys i got 30 minutes in and i was like let me stick to what i got to watch let me stick to the obligations if you please because you know some of that banter was oh i mean it's all the banter if you can't get on board with the banter you're going to turn it off after 30 minutes unless you're watching it for for an episode of we hate movies and in the 90s oh man did we love banter oh we love just running on

our little mouths, didn't we? Yeah. So, Taya Leone, she didn't cruise you through there a little bit? No. Because that's what I always, her and Chequiccario as the vaguely French villain. The vaguely French so-and-so Chequiccario from, of course,

addicted to love. Go back and check that out. Yeah, yeah. So in this one, with Bad Boys 2, though, it goes... Another foreign villain. Yeah, it's another foreign villain. You hate foreigners. A Cuban man named Johnny Tapia.

Yes, another foreign villain, Johnny Tapia. Johnny Tapia. And he is an ecstasy dealer in Miami. Yep. And that's, you know, then you're stuck paying attention to club culture and all sorts of crap that nobody could possibly be interested. Peter Stormer as a fucking Russian gangster. And like, man, he just took that Fargo thing and just was like fucking just wiping his

ass with it, right? You got to understand, you know, he's going back to, oh, Michael, my friend from Armageddon, because I was in that movie, too, on the mere space station. And he was a Russian in that, too. I want to say, where is he actually from, is the question at hand here? Because he's playing Alexi in this movie. He's Swedish. He's Swedish. So, you know, I guess if you can do the accent convincingly enough, I mean, whatever.

If you can drink vodka and, like, act like, kind of a scumbag, you can do Russian. Whoa, I can do Russian. Yeah. so we start this movie by the way it's a it's a ridiculous like this is how you manufacture drugs montage like over the credits it's like a factory with like all the ecstasy pills being made and everything and it's of course

it's playing like club type music but I'm just picturing that old traditional factory like bupah da bha making ecstasy Charlie Jopla's getting stuck in gears while he's putting holes in his brain and draining his spinal fluid there's a ridiculous the only reason I brought up the opening credits

it has nothing to do with the movie except for one credit that sticks out like a sore thumb and check this shit out executive music consultant Sean P. Diddy Combs now I put this out to the room what did he

have to do? What was his job on this movie? He was handed a CD and said yeah this yeah that's fine and then that's it he didn't even listen to it. What music do you think we should put in this? movie he does the the big song for the movie which plays like four or five times to shake your tail feathers oh that's a p ditty song it's a p ditty is he rapping on it yeah it's him and nelly and somebody else and like it's the last time anybody saw nelly so hey good those that's right that time

where they they kept them trying to do like those super raps like let's get 30 people featuring everyone oh yeah it was like you know we are the world but just solely with the hip-hop community yeah we're going to people can be squeeze under one track we're gonna get Tang and organized confusion together with P. Diddy. No, that would never happen. By the way, contrary to popular belief, this is not going to be the two months of P. Diddy movies.

You know, we talked about it, Godzilla. I mean, and he's here, and, like, the thing is, is he is definitely part of the problem. Because some of these scenes, there's just like this really shitty, like, no effort whatsoever, like, beat going on in the background. And, like, it's supposed to be like a jumpy, happy little thing. Uh-huh.

And that, with Will Smith and fucking Martin Lawrence with their goddamn banter and it's just too much. It's way too much. You know why that's there, right? They played part of it for Pete Ditty and he said, yeah, that's a good beat.

And then they're like, do you think it belongs to this movie? It's a good beat. And then that's it. And then you've got to check for a million dollars. That's how that works. So this movie starts off with a little bit of a drug deal. We see how the system is going down. We got coffins.

that's bringing money and drugs all over the place in this poor city of Miami and that's basically the setup and the sting operation with all of this is so goddamn ridiculous so led by Henry Rollins which you know when I see Henry Wallins in a movie I'm like all right it's fine

I'm okay with this I mean his spoken word stuff I think is totally fine I'm not going to really seek it out if it's around whatever The Rollins band, I like, I'm behind you, whatever you're doing. He's totally entertaining and fine. He's been in a bunch of stuff. What was like?

The Chase with Charlie Sheen? Oh, yeah, he's in the chase. He is in the chase. That's a stay tuned. Yeah, holy shit. Strap in and stay tuned. Jesus Christ. I mean, Dalton Ross's daughter.

So, yeah, it's this whole sting. And what we follow along here is there's the drug handoff. And it goes to the delivery. at a clan rally on this island i don't know what's going on here you know the ku klux klan it might not be known best for their club scene you know what you know i can understand if this movie was like about meth yes you know oxy cotton also that's a white surprise like it's not the klu klux klan the klox klan are against drugs like they would never do like is what they told you like neo-nazis at your membership rally is that what they told you well i'm

I read the pamphlet. You know, by the way, we're against drugs. Now, to be clear, you read the pamphlets solely because you're a fan of reading pamphlets. Yes. But so what, wait, the clan is straight edge? No, like the clan, like, from what I can tell, the clan is more to tradition. Like, that's what their thing is, is that it's all tradition. Whereas white supremacists are kind of just really into, like, the drug business just as, like, a means of operations.

So like to from what I understand Ku Klux Klan is like a club you go there after work or something What like the friars or like uh Well something like what was uh mr cunningham always going to in happy days the moose lodge Yeah he's an out was secretly the clan That was code Oh my God Arthur Cunningham's secret racist And they weren't they weren't burning crosses those were just Xs

They're being straight edge Well all right so regardless I mean, additionally, in movies I'm saying, is like, this is the role, this is your skinheads. This is your Nazi flag in the background kind of guys. Okay, well, let me, let me say in American History X, which is, you know, what neo-Nazis are. That's my source of information. Daniel Vineyard is against, is against drug use, but I think some of them aren't. Yeah, I think.

So I guess it's more of a, there's more freedom in Nazis. I'm honestly taking a lot of this from what I've seen in law and order, but, but there are other movies where I've just, I've seen them as, it's a white supremacist thing. It's not like a, okay. So, all right. So, but the question at hand, though, this is a, this is a comedy podcast that discusses bad movies. I thought this was a hate crime drug podcast. The bad movie at hand is bad boys three. So the question at hand is, are these guys cleanse me? in this movie, because they're dressed in white and wearing hoods. They're obviously clansmen, right? So you're arguing is that it's shockingly, it's a detail in a Michael Bay movie that they got incorrect. It's a thing in Michael Bay movie that just doesn't make any sense. You know what happened? Michael Bay was sitting back watching, oh, brother, where I're right, though, and said, I like that.

I actually would believe that. I would genuinely believe that. Because it was like, what, like a year or two before? That was 99. 2009, 2000. I think it might have been 2000. 2,000. Yeah, Blues Brother. 60,000. So they drop it off to this clan rally and, you know, they're like, all hail, the Aryan

brotherhood, blah, blah, blah. And then here we go. Because you're sitting there. It's like, wow, we're four minutes into this movie. Where are my bad boys? And then off come a couple of hoods. And it's Martin Lawrence and Will Smith guns toting in both hands like the boondock saints themselves. Oh, shit. And it's like, wow, how crazy is this audience? A couple of black guys dressed up in clan outfits. They really got the drop on these rednecks. And of course, the fucking radio's Henry Rollins' SWAT team

aren't working. This is infuriating. Here's why it's infuriating. You can claim radio failure, you know, and that's fine if it's what's going on. Because, you know, Will Smith is like, all right, we got guns out. Hey, we bring the backup in, everybody. Radio failure happens.

Okay, that's acceptable. If these guys didn't have a dude with binoculars with a clear line of sight of what's going on. This guy can clearly see Will Smith and Martin Lawrence have their guns out and he's like, I can't get a read on what's going on. Looks like they're doing something cool. Here's what's going on.

The only two black guys at this clan rally have pulled their guns out, which means your cops that you sent in there, who you know to be black, are in some sort of situation. Get your fucking ass in there and help out. No, it's like good. I hate their banter Let them die

Henry Rollins is like No no no hang back If this goes south We can finally be rid of all that Annoying banter I mean they sing the theme song From the show cops And every day

Lo and behold To be all cocky While they got their guns on these Klansmen They start singing bad boys What assholes I'm sorry They're such big fat Puckered assholes in this movie

you just pray for their death at every turn you really do it's just and it's the same fucking thing in each goddamn scene that it happens and it's like oh will smith you're too crazy no martin lawrence you got to stop being spiritual no will smith you got stop being crazy like that's it and it just escalates and of course it turns into a huge chaotic mess yep martin lawrence gets shot in the ass Shot the ass in one of the couple, maybe two or three times in this film, you have the bullet coming out of the gun and we follow the C.G slow motion bullet to its target. Oh, God. I don't know if this movie started that trend. I think the Matrix might have started that trend.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess you're right. I guess it's sort of just a bullet type of thing. But then what's great about this is that bullet goes through Martin Lawrence's ass. that bullets all covered with ass blood then it goes into this other guy's face yeah that guy's got ass blood all over his face

but you know what the good news is he doesn't care because he's extremely dead because another thing in this movie by the way and I get it like they're supposed to be like rag tag cops and whatnot and all these action movies you know Bruce Willis is killing people left and right and die hard and whatever

Will Smith in this movie loves killing people because there's several times where he's like hey Martin Lawrence why didn't you kill that guy and Martin Lawrence is like because I'm a human being like I'm an officer of the law of course I'm not going to just murder people he's a renegade vigilante he is under the police's protection he's lost all soul yeah there's nothing so they have the discussion after the the raid on the clan rally's gone down they realize the bust is ha ha a bust they only found two bags of X they thought this was going to be the big score kind of a thing

Will Smith's informant gave him the wrong info So they're just arguing And again, we keep saying banter by the way Banter is like Wow, these guys have some quick back and forth banter They're being pretty witty These motherfuckers just argue with each other Like it's just petty arguing

Bickering if you wish So they're just yelling back and forth And really the only sort of reference to the first movie Comes right here where he's like Martin Lawrence is explaining how he's been seeing the shrink And it's helping him You know and he's getting kind of spiritual And learning how to control his anger

And blah blah blah That's great Will Smith mentions, you know, oh, yeah, I've been going to a shrink, too. The captain made me after I shot all those people at the airport. That's the first movie. But the difference is, like, Martin Lawrence is seeing this, like, nebishy shrink, whatever. And you cut to Will Smith, just getting sucked off by this psychiatrist. Sophia Vergara is here for fucking him.

Is it Sophia Vergara? No, I'm not. I'm kidding. Like, oh, Jesus. It's a Latin beauty. Yeah, it's a Latin beauty. I think that's what you're saying, right? I mean, it's bizarre because this woman is dressed pretty much like a stripper sucking him off in this office and I'm like, I don't know if I would go.

Like, what is this? Hollywood upstairs psychiatry office? Like, it doesn't look like the most legit establishment. I think he's just getting blown by a very professional prostitute. He's always talking about how he has that trust fund. Maybe he sets this up. Maybe this is his fetish. Oh, just getting like blown by professionals? Yeah, he rents out an entire office and like has to.

a taste tastefully decorated it puts a couple sigman freud books around this is the only way i can do it and i'm going to call you doctor so then we cut to you know who is the source of you know this ecstasy and this is where peter stormer comes in he's a club owner and it is this ridiculous like bacchanal of like people just like fuck dancing and licking these pills off each other i mean ecstasy culture is not something I have any interest in solely because of all the social awkwardness that comes along I mean these people are licking each other's fucking tongues and like oh yeah let me just get in here wow nobody is not wearing a two piece the whole place it's just bathing suits and like and the dudes are the same way they're just like in these cut up things it's ridiculous yeah and then one of them gets killed one of them starts overdosing right and actually this is a big problem with this movie is I think compared to the actor who is the actual villain

here who we'll get to later but Peter Stormer I think is a pretty good actor he's a good character actor he's good what he does and in the beginning of this movie you know this dude starts Odeeing in the club and he's on the phone and he's like oh I have to go some motherfucker thinks he can die in my club

and instead of just like getting this dude medical attention they fucking throw him out in the alley to die and I was like wow that's some cold shit this guy's going to make great villain. Oh, what's that? Oh, he's just some like third tier thug and some other like Cuban guy's going to be like the main villain of this movie. All right. Yeah, he turns out to kind of be like the comic relief eventually. Oh, when he comes back in this movie at the end, he's a flat out cartoon character. It is like, you know, it's like Yahoo series. Not Yahoo series. Who am I thinking

of? Uh, Yahoo series. No, no, no, no. The Russian comic there, Yakov Smyrano. Yeah, it's like that kind of like cartoon Russian nonsense. Like he gets out of a car and like throws a bottle of vodka to street sign and you're just like all right you're just one step away from the arm folded kick dancing like but he but he is in a way a really big villain because for him a nonchalot day

is just like throwing someone to die in an alley but that's what my point is exactly though like that dude does something that cold yeah he's your villain of the movie I don't need this other fucking crazy dude just make Peter Stormier this rich drug pushing

millionaire kind of a thing. But we just deal with this Cuban guy later on. They'd rather him just be a goofball. And the Cuban guy is just like... Yeah, Johnny Tapia's the real deal here. He really fucks shit up. So, yeah, yeah, yes. But before even that stuff happens, we have to deal with fucking this

subplot involving Will Smith, Mike Laughery, and Marcus's, Martin Lawrence's sister, Gabriel Union. Right. So in comes Gabriel Union and she's... Playing Sid. Sid. Sid. Sidney, Martin Lawrence. his sister, who I don't believe they even mentioned in the first movie, right?

Oh, no, absolutely. No, this is a completely new creation. And, you know, she's there and, you know, she works for the DEA, but as far as they know, she's just this paper pusher. She's coming over for a barbecue at this mansion that Martin Lawrence owns. I don't know how. He's on the take. This is amazing because actually my note, I have a note written down that says mansion. Because I got the same guy.

I'm dead serious. Look at it right there. It is on the water. It's like two stories. It's humongous. There's no way. Like, unless Teresa Randall, like, runs Whole Foods. There's no way that this place can, like, be a cop salary.

It's ridiculous. And the thing that makes no sense is he has this gorgeous ass house, right? And he's bitching about this $3,900 shit-ass above-ground pool that they have. And he's, like, you know, sitting in this thing. And his kids are like, Daddy, this pool's a piece of shit. And he's like, this pool calls me $3,900. you know and it's like um so you're complaining

about that but the McMansion that you have to pay all this property tax on like how's that balancing out is literally everything are you like maybe he's house poor I guess he's got to be crooked man I don't know if he's on the take or if he's like doing some other busts

that he's not like reporting just off and people taking that money probably taking the drugs and selling them at the clubs but why would you buy a shitty pool because I already bought the house So is he He probably didn't have enough

And he's like It's like you gotta keep up With the Joneses You need a pool Everyone's got a pool Do you think it's maybe One of those like Lethal Weapon Force situations

Where we don't hear it But like Teresa Randall Who plays Martin Lawrence's Wife She's writing like romance novels Under a presumed name Isn't that just a frustrating Reveal in that sequel?

Her real name is Jessica Fletcher She's The popular murder she Yeah, right for our younger listeners out there. There was once a classic mystery series starring Angela Lansberry. You know, I'm kind of a detective of my own. That's my Angela Lansberry. I don't know.

This might be some comedians bit, so I don't want to harp on it too much. But, like, you would never invite Jessica Fletcher over for dinner. Because someone's going to get killed. Yeah. Or she can't go anywhere. A trail of dead in her wake. Which, like, how does that keep happening? Because I'm killing them

I mean Frankly I'd be moving a lot Because I'm like You know what? Maybe this is just bad luck I shouldn't be in Miami anymore Whenever Jessica Fletcher moves in your neighborhood You should be notified

Like a sex offender All the door Everybody boards up the windows You might die Just a notice to the neighborhood There's a super successful Murder Mystery author That moved into town

Just be aware Let's everybody keep an eye behind them It would be hilarious If she would like have to go door to door like a pedophile. I'm like, look, a bunch of people die around me all the time. Here's a list of my successful novels. Please be aware. But they're all based on people who have died in real life. And I'm working on a new one. And it might star you, my new neighborhood friends. And there's a white house in it. Look at your house. So, you know, it's also revealed

here, by the way, that Will Smith is together with Gabriel Union. But, they have not informed Martin Lawrence. She expected him to do so. She lives up in New York. He went up for some prisoner transport that we don't see. But what's great too about this scene is like she's trying to be all touchy with him because they have developed a relationship together in New York while he was there. Right.

And he's like, you know, disavowing its existence and like pushing her away and stuff and being like a really, he's being really weird to both parties, you know, Marcus and this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really terrible. What a jerk, man. Open up. Dude, I just saw a guy die from X. Like, he overdosed and he's dead.

Guess what? A new rule for Hollywood in general. Five minutes after a guy overdoses, you don't get to do a Beethoven gag. Because this dog, Martin Lawrence's dog, pulls some chain around like the shitty pool, drags it so hard

that the thing rips out of the ground. ground and opens up into the ocean. Ha, ha, your pool's broken. Take that $3,900, literally down the drain. Literally down the budget. But how cool was that, man? We got to see water. Yeah.

And it went out to like the ocean or whatever because this is how wealthy this guy is. He's got goddamn Riviera property. It's like canal front property. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It's beautiful place. All right. So Gabriel Union's like, hey, I got some business to take care of. You know, I'll see you guys.

later enjoy your family barbecue blah blah blah so it turns out she's actually you see she is undercover with the DEA taking care of business with Peter Stormair like doing a big X deal I guess also a big problem in Miami

as far as like you know crime we've got these like ex runners and all this shit also Haitian pirates is an issue here yep because these Haitian pirates hijacked this drug deal or try to and it's this big ridiculous chase scene like with gabriel union you know trying to

outrun these dudes so she can get the money to to i guess johnny tapy as people by the way let's say this up front this is a confusing convoluted ass movie i've i've now seen this movie five times in my life well that's congratulations welcome the five time no that's a slit your throat congratulations but i this is what it is is that she's doing money long for Peter Stormair in the hopes that Peter Stormare will ask her to do the money laundering for Johnny Tapio. Oh, yeah. All right. So arrange the meeting.

Yeah. To Johnny Tabby. By the way, she has this, I got, they got this like secret truck. It's like surveillant. Oh, God. The product place. Oh, that's what I'm getting to. Because guess what?

Man, did I crave a Miller genuine draft? It's fucking everywhere. All over the place. Like the truck pulls into screen. you see the giant logo for Miller Genuine draft. I'm like, and it goes we cut from that. I'm like, oh, was that just product placement? Oh, no, don't worry. The truck's going to do

some cool stuff soon. Oh, yeah. That's how cool it is to have Miller Genuine draft. It's Gabriel Union's secret money laundering like transport. It's so ridiculous. It's like Walter White's RV, you know, but just for money laundering. She's cooking the books.

I love it if she walked out and Q walked out right after her and like We have your money laundering weaponry right here. I would love it. So, yeah, there's a big chase scene, and, you know, it goes this, I mean, it's ridiculous. Like, cars are flying off parking garages. Bodies are flying everywhere. It's this huge high-speed shit.

I mean, this is, it's the famous one from the trailer. Like, they hijack a car carrier truck, and they're hucking cars at the cops and all this shit. And by the way, I mean, like, this shit's going on. Police cars are literally exploding all over the place. And a few minutes from now, Joe Pantaliano is about to sit here and tell us, thank God no cops were killed. Are you kidding me? Oh, they absolutely got killed. Cars are going up in flames.

Like, these dudes are not surviving the shit. I think he said at one point, like three are critical. I'm like, yeah, 300 are critical problems. We got a bunch of brothers downtown in critical condition. No, no, they're at the morgue. In the best possible condition, you can be at the morgue. charred. The climactic bank robbery from heat is like half of this. Maybe. Well, you guys should be proud. You just made

the corner a lot of money. So, what's really nauseating in this movie to me is the sequence where they go to this Haitian pirate's hideout or house or whatever. Because it's you know, they're on one side of a wall and all these dudes are in the other room on another side and it's a lot of just shooting through this wall and michael bay decides it's

going to be great to have this like 360 camera just flying around in a circle in this movie you know in this scene while they're yelling and it's this one continuous thing i wanted to vomit like this roller coaster ride of garbage and it's loud as fuck and it like it's it's it's a really uh an unpleasant experience all around it's like it's it's seriously like sensory overload like you think your eardrums are going to bleed. And I guarantee you as Michael Bay, like, oh, fucking yeah. Do it. Oh, yeah. Throttle that shit. My asshole just puckered up.

Go to red level. Pull it to red. I mean, the problem with this movie, and you know, again, why it's so long is there's just so many scenes of like, okay, let's go to this person for information. Oh, it's going to turn into a big shootout slash chase scene. That's over with. Now

we're going to get yelled out by Joe Panteliano for a few minutes. Then we're going to get another lead. And then we're going to steal Dan Marino's car because hey Miami right damn marino there that's what you want he's the city's treasure he's soured

himself on me with this I was like you did Ace Ventura you were great in Ace Ventura oh he's so fantastic and like and now man you're just fucking given the keys to God damn Will Smith really just you know what stop it so the whole the big tip that they get from the Haitian pirates

that they don't murder is that there's this one Haitian pirate who enjoys filming all of his criminal activity. Well, isn't that convenient? So they've got a video camera that has a hole in the viewfinder.

This is an embarrassing sequence. They go to an electronic store. This is an amazing scene. Insanity. So they go to this electronic store. It's like a mom and pop operation and they go to this kid and they're like, we need to see what's on this tape and someone shot the viewfinder which it's like, they didn't shoot the tape

so just take the tape out of the camera. And, oh, you don't know about any of that? Okay, that's fine. You don't understand how video cameras work because you're fucking idiots in this movie? Great. Well, while fucking Martin Lawrence was vamping in the room full of corpses a minute ago. Are they saying that you can't check a tape of something, like at the police station? Wouldn't the police have some type of thing?

Do they actually just go to shops and, like, wave their gun around to get things sun? I mean, maybe it's like, we don't have time to get back to the station, but it's bullshit because there is a techno nerd dude that they harassed. later in the movie from the first movie yeah yeah so just take it to that guy why not because like if you're going to have this guy in there there was no reason for him to be in there no fucking first well who in the theater was like oh god the nerdy tech guy is back fuck ass is back now and it is that kind of situation where like who gives this shit it's like you could have had another scene with that guy but instead you know the the point of having this badge just so i could put it in someone's face and tell him what to do exactly so they go into this place

and they're watching this on the monitor and it's like oh here's a dude you know people are like you know smoking weed and whatever okay here's like a here's the you know the picture of a boat or so i don't know what you they get here oh right the funeral home oh that funeral home oh that funeral home's owned by johnny tapia's mother oh that's a nice clue okay cut to oh my god this woman's getting fucked on camera and it turns into this sex tape and then the most implausible thing of all time is the kid is like oh all right well listen my dad's owns this store i better turn this off he would find this inappropriate Whoops, instead of pressing the off button, I press the turn it onto 50 other TVs in the store button.

Like, what the fuck are you doing? Just pull the cords. That's all you need to do. Pull the cord. I can't stand stuff like this where it's like, oh no, this electronic device is getting out of control and I can't stop it. Turn it off! Turn it off! So this woman's just getting railed on this camera and like all these people are like, what is going on?

This woman gets offended. Like all these old people are yelling at this kid and the dad comes up like, What the fuck's going on in my store? My goddamn storm. But then he can't get this thing turned off. And it's like these two guys who are supposed to be like electronic salesmen can't turn off this tape. Oh, he turns it off. And he turns it to Martin Lawrence and Will Smith in the like special camera room where like they have a showcase room, I guess, for the different cameras.

And they're having this dialogue. Like this is not so much bickering as just Martin Lawrence fucking debasing himself. Oh, absolutely. debasing himself. And, you know, it's one of those things where it's like, you know what this movie needs? A clever misunderstanding. Because the whole thing is like Martin Lawrence says, you know, ever since you shot me in the ass, like my ass still kind of hurts from what you did to it, but yeah, I can't get erections anymore. And all these people, of course, it's being broadcast to the entire store. And it's just like 50 goddamn gay jokes. Just right in a row.

It's so terrible. 50 of a total of 89. thousand seven hundred and sixty two that are in this fucking movie and how many of them are good you know if you're gonna do this joke do it well just find like one if you want to make a joke don't half ass a gay joke and there's even there's even a cut to a gay couple watching this thing and like being like that man is pouring his heart out oh he's such an asshole yeah because like martin lawrence is saying all this stuff it's being taken out of context and then will smith is being like, I don't want to hear about your broken dick and all this shit. Like, put this all in your shut the fuck up box and throw it in the river.

You know, he's being like classic prick, you know, Mike Lowry in this movie. Just riff. Yeah, yeah, just go with it. And so all these people are just horrified. And then they get out, like, there's this, like, you know, big husky woman who's, like, getting all their face. Like, you sick motherfuckers, get the fuck out. And it's like, oh, so now we've had all these horrible gay jokes. There's a couple of gay stereotypes over there.

And then this woman hates. It's gay people. It's like, get your fucking disgusting ass out of this store. And you're just like, oh my God, can we end this ignorant ass scene as quickly as possible? And just for good measure, the little kid asking, what's the election? Oh, yeah. Just so there's one last joke. Just that little button on top, the Hollywood screenwriter had to put in there.

Like, yeah. Yeah, this, you know what? This doesn't vilify gay people enough yet. Isn't this from the pen of Ron Shelton? uh who or what is a ron shelton is the guy who did um like the contender and all that uh ron shelton and jerry stall wrote the screen play am i wrong in that ron chelton is the uh well ron shelton let's see uh bear boys two hollywood homicide play to the bone tin cup great white hype cop blue chips we were just talking about blue chips last week uh white man can't jump oh blaze bull durm the best of times in under five well this guy wrote a a lot of good movies. Yeah. So he wrote Bad Boys 3 or 2.

Wow, I really want this third fucking movie to come out. Jesus. From the pen of Ron Shelton comes this. This guy who has done nothing but good comedies. And that's kind of the problem.

And it's always kind of the problem with Michael Bay movies in general is that like you want to be both a really like for a good word bawdy humor. Yeah. On top of this crazy ass action

like gross action stuff and the mashup just makes it like feel super long super awkward and none of it hits almost none of the humor hits well to be fair like he might not have been written this scene at all you know because you know in Hollywood they they'll replace

people they'll get people to punch it up director as actors input you know yeah or it's mutated I mean especially Frank Miller did a pass on this is what you're saying yeah they're getting enough terrorist jokes in this and this is a post not 11 movies you bet there's fucking dirty terrorist jokes to be told we're gonna go back

to the original terrorists to Cubans Cuba the world's original terrorist state yeah they almost had a nuclear missile stored there once when you pop me from behind I think you damage some nerves okay now I can't What? I can't even get an erection. What's an erection?

So they determine that they get a name of a boat off of some of this garbage. So it's like, oh, all right. I remember that boat. That's from when we busted those rednecks. Let's get Michael Shannon in this movie, who I did not know at the time. It was Michael. I saw this movie twice in theaters when it came out. You know, and it was before Michael Shannon is Michael Shannon now, you know.

Well, this is fresh off kangaroo Jack. Yeah, yeah, totally. man oh man kangaroo jack couldn't even watch it watch the first 10 minutes turn it right on it it was sitting in my Netflix queue for so long I'm like one day I have to watch this for the show and it just never happened

that's what I tried to do and I couldn't it was like 10 15 minutes turned it right the fuck off I don't even think I got to kangaroo jack I think I got to kangaroo jack and that's when I left oh the talking kangaroos here stop oh Jar Jar Binks the movie

So they go on a stake out with Michael Shannon And it's the two of them Michael Shannon And Gabriel Union's there too And you know It's this it's this whole thing You know she's sort of in with Johnny Tapia now And they're trying to make make this bust or whatever And this is where all the emotions get laid out on the table

Because I have to take these characters seriously for some reason And you know this is where it's revealed to Martin Lawrence You know that the two of them have this relationship Martin Lawrence gets all sorts of upset, you know, because earlier in the film, he accuses Will Smith of like, you know, trying to be controlling with his family because, you know, Mike Lowry doesn't have one. And he's like, oh great. And now you're fucking my sister. So, okay, perfect. You really just want to take over my family. That's fine. You know, they just have this big fight. For good reason. Like, Martin Lawrence, like, they try to make this an even thing where like Martin Lawrence is more like weird, uh, a size. and, like, kind of strange way of expressing himself in the spiritual, the woo-saw bullshit. Oh, woo-sah. Holy shit.

Like, who gives a fuck? But, like, he is so clearly the better person. Yeah. In every scene. Hands down. And so in this scene, like, he's just like, look, I'm, you know, I'm done with you. I'm getting transferred. Fuck this.

Yep. And so then we find out where the trade is happening. There's some sort of trade going down. I don't know. There's too much in this movie. Really, I mean, this is around the time. This is what I want to mention. There's two annoying things that happened right in a row here.

So we're about to start car chase number 704-2, and they're like, oh, man, we don't have a car for some reason. Let's commandeer this car. Hilarious Michael Bay cameo, and Michael Bay is driving a shitty car, everybody. The old fisherman's cap on. Yeah, he's got the big old bucket hat on. He looks like that old fucker from the Walking Dead. Dale? Dale, yes, thank you.

So then they're like, that car's not good enough, the one Michael Bay is driving. Let's take the one that Dan Marino is taking for a test drive. You're just like, Jesus fucking Christ. Please, can we just get to it? Whatever it is. Can we just fucking get? Can we not have a discussion, like a Tarantino-S discussion in every action you make? Can you just walk into a house?

You know what? No, I need a car that's fly enough so I can drive it. It's got to be jag or better. I can't be seen in that. It's like, hey, by the way, Will Smith, if you did take the shitty car that Michael Bay's character was driving, it's called being inconspicuous. Like, there's multiple times of this movie

where he rolls up next to these criminals driving down the street and they look at him and then notice it's two dudes who they may have seen before driving a flashy car. And then Will Smith being like, oh, no, they somehow made us. Well, of course they made you. You fucking idiot. you're driving a goddamn Dodge fucking Viper. You're driving

these beautiful fucking cars. They pull up like a neon orange Lamborghini with flame throwers on it and being like, no, I don't notice this. They're like so much worse than James Bond with that shit. Like there's a scene where they're about to go on another

undercover assignment and Martin Lawrence is just in a normal t-shirt and fucking Will Smith comes out in this neon purple something or other. Oh my God. It's It's like a fucking Prince Halloween costume. It's out of control. And of course it's slow motion, like putting the jacket on, looking like a swath motherfucker.

Another time to put on the P. Diddy song. Yeah, shake those. Welcome to Miami. I'm ae. You may, ame, amy, amy, whatever that Will Smith song was. Yeah, get the jigs out. Getting them jigs. That's, that's jiggy with it.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I believe is that. I like my way better. well then you're just talking about like irish step dance or something which i would love to see will smith attempt by the way speaking of will smith dancing quick side note here i don't i don't want to lose track of talking about the shitty movie have you guys seen will smith and jaden smith on the graham norton show no oh i did not it's fucking awesome because it's the two of them and they're they're plugging that after earth nonsense

whatever but graham norton and will smith are talking about something and he's like will smith is like oh last time i was on your show i i wrapped her i did something and he's like oh i thought i could do you one better so him and jaden get up and out comes dj jazzy jeff and he does the fucking fresh prince rap right and then alfonso robero comes out and they do Tom Jones and they're doing the fucking Carlton dance. It is fantastic. Like, say what you want about after Earth,

whatever. I still haven't seen it, but like it is a fantastic piece of television. Hilariously also, other guests on the program, presumably promoting Hangover 3 is uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, the stud.

Bradley Cooper. Yeah. Promoting Hangover 3 is Bradley Cooper and then Heather Graham is there. and while Will Smith is doing the Fresh Prince rap Heather Graham is ridiculously dancing Like dance like no one's watching Heather Graham Like it is redonculous By herself

No well because like they're you know he's doing the rap And everybody's like having a good time Yeah but she is just like eyes closed fucking dancing Her soul away Oh she's probably like on something She could have been fucked up Yeah I don't know No yeah the X said hit kicked in

Yeah there's a little something from the set of bad boys do just take a little so anyway it's on youtube totally recommend checking that it's a nice little it's one of those things where you're like yeah there is evil in the world but there's also this video unless they're doing summertime i'm not interested oh a purist i see uh so by the way so this is like they realize this funeral parlors involved so like they're chasing this truck and all these fucking bodies are flying out will smith's just driving over like six heads it's disgusting

ha ha that's the that's the reaction the audience was supposed to have and also like dude you know what i like out of a hero chris what when they desecrate corpses yeah that's always the one you want to go for i was superman you know what i hope when man a steel comes out next week he desecrates a couple of corpses and if he forgets to desecrate one of them i want to fly around the earth and then make sure he desecrates that body oh no i forgot to desecrate that corpse whoosh wish wish time travel desecrate Okay, we're caught up to speed. Not only I'm going to kill you, I'm going to fuck with your body.

He just, like, he puts General Zod's, like, corpse in a dog park. It's just like, have at it. Go to town, boys. All these super dogs come out and eat his side body. That would be my, if he takes his dick at first, though, right? If Man of Steel ends, if Man of Steel ends that way, I forgive Sucker Punch. Wow. If that's how that ends, I forgive Sucker Punch.

But that's, like, the only way I forgive Sucker Punch. You know, with regard to whether or not I've seen Sucker Punch, by the way, to quote our friend Steve Sannock, still haven't, still happy, by the way. I just never saw that. You are dancing on sunshine. You guys both saw it? I saw it. I was inebriated. I don't remember a lot of it, but I remember it being very hurtful.

It's such a bad movie that it hurts. It's like when you're a kid and you first get your shot and you're just like, I don't want to look at it. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to look at it. Ow! So they get in trouble with Joe Pantaliano again. Martin Lawrence is fucking furious at this point. And this is actually my favorite scene in the movie,

because he's like, do you know what happens every time just a body falls onto the street? I have to call this guy. I have to call this guy. I have to pay him. I have to do it. Like, I have to do all this shit. All these cleaning crews.

And that's just for one body landing on the street. You have just fucking massacred five people and then desecrated a bunch of empty corpses. but he doesn't care because he's just trying to get this Johnny Tapia and Joey Panes just does not understand. Just like parents. They don't understand either. He would be off the force.

Oh, easy. Yeah. And you know what's funny is you expect in movies like this some form of like turn over your badge, I need your weapon. Not once. Is that even brought up as like a possibility? Just don't do it again. Here's an oozy.

here's an Uzi and a hundred thousand dollar car so this is where Martin Lawrence is like I'm sick and tired of your shit FYI I already signed my transfer papers after we nail Johnny Tapia fuck you this is over with

and you're like oh no is this the end of the bad boys oh yes is this the end of the bad boys thank God but so then we have to have another Martin Lawrence at home scene Will Smith comes in and it's Martin Lawrence's daughter's big night she's going on her

first day and we need to get in some threatening a 16 year old boy with rape. Oh, 15. Oh, yeah, excuse me, 15. It's even younger. With the threat of rape is in this movie. Or getting shot.

Well, they're sizing this guy up and they're like, you know, you could take out my daughter. Busted his balls a little bit. Well, yeah, they're putting on a real show here. But then they really go take it too, too far. Well, Martin Lawrence is like, he opens the door like, what the fuck do you want. You're like, all right, this is where this is

going to go. All right, he's, it's very, you know, humor-filled, just bust this kid's balls. Then Will Smith comes out, brandishing a firearm and an open bottle of liquor. Saying he just got released from prison. You have made love to a man? No. You want to?

And you're just like, why are you going to fuck this kid? And then they're just like, are you a virgin? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Then Martin Lawrence is like, you can stay that way, no fucking tonight and all this shit. And I was like, oh, my God. I want to, I want I wanted to see the next scene where this kid and this girl getting in the car. He's like, your uncle just threatened to rape me.

Hey, is that guy over a lot? Or is he staying there? Is he going to be here when we get back? And I mean, you know, I appreciate this kind of a scene. It's so over the top, though. Like, I remember one time me and my brother and my father were sitting and we were watching a Ranger game, right? And this fella comes a calling for my younger sister, right? So this ass hat comes in the house.

motherfucker makes the mistake ago in a hockey game why are you watching this my father turns around and goes because it's my house and this dude shut the fuck right up classic my dad

that is completely legitimate and that should happen and you know what my dad didn't put a gun in this kid's face and threatened to fuck him also he didn't threaten him with rape no it's such a missed opportunity I heard that's funny

according to bad boys too it's like you've got alcohol you're threatening to rape this kid and you've got a loaded weapon in this kid's face and the way will smith's holding this gun the fingers on the trigger i was waiting for that pulp fiction moment oh my god if you shot martin in the head like this this this would be one a completely better movie and a completely different oh yeah then the rest of the movie is them trying to get away with murder or will smith on death row no in this movie no in this movie Like in any other movie, you're right. In this movie, it would just be him sitting down with Joe Pantaniano and him just like woo-sahing and like, Woo-Sah, I can't believe you shot this kid right in the head. Yeah, what would really happen? You're right in this movie. Will Smith would throw a couple of ecstasy pills on his fucking blattered out head. What was left of the head? And then it would just be swept under the rug because that's with the law.

You see captain? He was dealing drugs. Johnny Tapie did that. oh yeah captain you should have seen it this nice boy was coming to take my goddaughter out on a date and then johnny tapia drove by and killed him well actually he drove by he got out of the car he took my gun and then and then shot him in the face well actually he had my fingers pull the trigger because he held my hand because he held my hand because he held my finger because he held my hand up and he fucking took him that's why the ballistics are like that that's why uh there's also an interesting thing here that i want to note uh this movie obviously shot on location in the city of miami my wife born and raised in miami florida there's a scene in this this part of the movie where will smith's all like man oh man i can't believe my partner hates my guts i remember back in high school when we

were good buddies signing each other's yearbooks will smith takes out the yearbook miami palmetto high school my wife's high school appears in this movie in yearbook form she went to high school with will smith yep that's exactly what i'm saying and of course in the picture he's got the head gear and the like yeah point dexter class he was

he was a big nerd so he's making up for it by being the fuck machine that is mike lowry also by the way in the yearbook he has signed it uh we ride we died together bad boys for life yeah is that not isn't the bad boy thing's supposed to be like didn't they get it from the

fucking song? Or have they always just said... I guess they would have always have said it then. Because I just assumed that that's what they got from the song and that's why they keep singing the song. So I guess you could just be like, hey, we're a couple of bad boys. We're the bad boys.

And then luckily this song came along so they also had a theme song for their game. But it's also more... I mean, that's a Pete Ditty thing is bad boys. Bad boy entertainment. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. For life. Like that's a shot... And like that record wasn't really popular to like

95, 96. Wait, in high school, you're running around, you're saying we're going to be bad boys for life, and then you sign up for the police? I guess there's a thin line between criminal and cops. It's that thin blue line, man. Also, my wife said she met both

of them, and Martin Lawrence was a dick, and Will Smith was very nice. Makes sense. But then Martin went into rehab, like, right after this, so who knows what demons he was battling. It's just ironic, though, because in this movie, Mike Lowry is such a fucking disgusting pain in the ass and poor Marcus you just want to you know see in a different movie I guess that they are good actors and that's confirmed and soon enough we're in another movie

the Bay of Pigs too yes so the next scene is they go to Johnny Tapia's funeral home oh god and they're rooting around there and they go into this uh I guess it's a morgue well it's a funeral parlor and they just go into the back area where all the bodies are I almost said taxidermy but that's not what it is I guess it's sort of like a morgue It's the back room where you're taking out

all the organs and sawdust Yeah yeah yeah you gotta prep these bodies They don't do that at morgues necessary Well you know it's the corpse room Everyone's got one Yeah they're just at the corpse room And speaking of desecrating corpses Oh Jesus

Here comes our fucking you know We did everything else Had to do everything Fucking dead bodies Why not some necrophilia humor Just for the folks to take something home with them? Why do I have to go to this movie And see Will Smith go Gaga

Over a set of some dead babes big hooters It is egregious It's just he's just looking at these big dead breasts And it's dead flesh And it's like riling up that killer inside of it Because he's a sociopath. He doesn't get the difference between, like, somebody who's dead and alive. He's sitting there like, I want to make a suit out of this woman.

If it was just the bad boy there, not the bad boys there, he would have gone to town on this corpse. Oh, yeah. I don't know if there's an, like, an actual, like, Will Smith, damn, which is featured quite a bit in this movie. He's looking at it so long that Marcus has to tell him to stop. Yeah, it's a real get a good look, Costanza right here. He's like, are you serious right now? Now get yourself together. What, they're nice.

Yeah, exactly. Nice titties. What? I don't care if they're dead. They're still, what, just because she's dead? She's got ugly breasts, Marcus. It would be funny if it said that he was just like he turned over and there's like a guy's like an old man's like crotch and he's just looking at it. I'd be like you fell for it, Will Smith.

You fell for a lady boy there. Mike. What? Nice ball sack. Man's got a nice scrot him So of course this gets botched too Because they're trying to like distract all the people at the funeral parlor There's a couple of other agents that they're you know

Buddies with that are helping them along This is a shitty thing again from the first movie where They had these two Latin detectives that were kind of like their opposite Their foils in the department essentially Right one of which is played by the dude I don't remember the character's name but on Seinfeld

Kramer's always running afoul of the aggressive gay couple The Hispanic dude from Seinfeld is this guy Yeah I think his name No Ramon was the pool boy I don't remember the dude's name

But yeah yeah When they're trying to get like the chest of drawers or whatever Yeah the armoire Yeah yeah yeah yeah It's that guy We are taking this Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon Yeah who doesn't want to wear the ribbon

Yeah that guy exactly And they're from the first, it's the same two actors, too, is the same guys, and they're back again. And like every time they're in a joke, it's every time it comes, it's like an immigration joke and like a soul food joke. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They fire off like Martin Lawrence and Will Smith fire off like a racist, you know, Latin thing or a Cuban thing of some kind. They fire back like a racist black thing. And so they, they create a distraction so they can get out of here. but while they were in there two things happened. First, they find out

that all the ecstasies are being packed into emptied out dead bodies. Correct. Second, and more importantly, which transports us into the other movie fucking Martin Lawrence accidentally two ecstasy pills get dropped into a glass

of water he's drinking. Yes. And he just downs him. Somehow he didn't feel two fucking pills going down your throat. It's so stupid. Keep in mind that if you're going to do ecstasy, it was probably stored in a dead corpse and the health standards you don't know what you're getting out to you

listen everybody you know from the ground take it down pill form you better be knowing where you got it from I'll tell you what next start of the plague this might be the black plague coming back this is how the zombie apocalypse happens we start taking pills from

corpses and then it's like oh no I'm turning into an ecstasy filled zombie if anybody found that shit out that ecstasy business be going down the tubes. But it's so stupid. So it's like two pills pop in and it's into the glass and you're like, oh man, someone's

drinking this and like the reason he drinks the water is because he's so disgusted by corpses that he keeps vomiting. Like a dude's top of his skull falls off and he vomits. You know, so he's like, I'm going to chug these pills. Then these dudes come back. And Martin Lawrence has to like bunk with

the babe corpse for a little bit. Like Will Smith hides in a closet. So the guys are going to like take the woman in necks to you know filled with pills and whatnot so will smith's distraction is drive that ambulance into this building just not because hey

guys how else am I going to murder Johnny Tapia so drive the fucking car into the building so we can continue guys we have to end this Tim Burton scene so let's just fucking get in here and crash the thing Martin Lawrence's corpse bride that would be a movie

Martin Lawrence marrying like he's about to marry the woman of his dream and she dies and then like he brings her back to life like frank and weenie and then he stuff he's full of pills that frank and weeny movie by the way is pretty good yeah i like that oh really it's not bad i was hesitant but uh just because of tim burton's track record last year was a good year it was a good shadows i really like yep i just i could do without that uh what's her name. Chloe Moritz. Chloe Grace Moritz. Yeah. A teenage

werewolf at... She's probably, yeah. She would be the weak link, I would say. But so, here comes the scene, man. So they decide after this, after this disaster, they're going to go at like 11 p.m. at night to go fucking talk to Joe Pantiano about getting, getting like all the stuff for a big

siege. Get a big old Johnny Tapia warrant going on. And we're going to get everything. And they leave their Cuban partners holding the fucking bag at this funeral parlor by the way. They like sneak out the back door. These dudes have to play cleanup with all this shit. Yeah, that's what they get for not being one of the

bad boys. Yeah, they're not part of the bad boys. So of course the ecstasy starts kicking in and here we go. A hilarious scene of Martin Lawrence on Ecstasy. Now this is one of those like just tell Joe Penteliano what happened and it's fine. But no, no, no.

It's Will Smith being like trying to distract Joe Penteliano like, look at my camera, all this shit. This guy has forgiven murder upon murder on your part. Cold-blooded desecration of life. Oh, yeah. Cops, the whole thing. Fucking he would do a tap dance.

Oh, all you did is take ecstasy. Fucking fantastic. Okay. This is, this should be called Michael Bay's bad lieutenant. You're absolutely right. It's double dose of bad lieutenant in this movie. The bad lieutenants. Martin Lawrence is like

licking things and like touching Will Smith's back and like acting like a freaking wacko And that's what drugs does I guess so I mean that's that's ecstasy You're gonna lick backs It's gonna be a mess

Yep Licking hands just oh god And of course by the way When this scene comes to an end And Joe Pan Taliano Obviously finds out what's going on He's like All right wait what's happening here

What the fuck is he doing? Why is he wearing? my bathrobe and drinking water out of a plant vase Will Smith's just like oh he accidentally ingested ecstasy cut to Joe Pantiliano comforting Martin Lawrence

being like here you got to get in the shower you have to keep your body temperature down. Calling poison control like doing what you're supposed to do it's so fucking stupid we just sat through this whole ridiculous seat like well because it was funny we wanted to have funny we wanted funny regardless of how

funny it is if you're scared that you know oh the captain's going to overreact the joke is him being like he did what not oh here please get in the shower we want to make sure you're okay you can't spend 10 minutes of him

in that scene you're right I mean like in that scene it does have to be like what the fuck guys but like in because it's a Michael Bay movie and we can't just have a scene where somebody does something it has to be you know fucking Glenn Gary Glenn Ross for 15 minutes before

we get to anything. What the fuck is going on? He ingested X. You okay, pal? Take it easy. Okay, thank you. Poison lady says we got to keep him cool. Otherwise, he burning up, he can get brain damage. So, all right, let's fast

forward here quite a ways. There's a raid on Johnny Tapius' house, Peter Stormer is murdered, and Gabriel Union gets kidnapped to Cuba. So here's the whole thing. Here's where we are. The movie's over with the drug ring has been foiled everything's fine oh I'm sorry you're not

going to believe this it's not a sequel it's like an eighth of a sequel because we're going to start the next movie at the end of the second movie we're going to Cuba for 45 minutes this is the biggest fucking disaster of an ending to a movie I can recall like I remember being in the theater

like putting my coat on like all right bad boys too you weren't great but whatever oh I'm sorry wait what what's happening oh do I have to put my coat off again. Oh my god. An international incident. We're going to go join the Cuban resistance. This is such fucking bullshit. Like they don't get any help from the U.S. government because we don't negotiate with terrorists or hostage takers or I guess just flat out communists that we have trade embargoes with at this point. So, you know, they are going to man their

own mission. Joe Panteliano's got some buddies in the CIA. It's a bunch of... To arrest you for trying to do this. That's what I would. That's what I would arrange. Exactly. So we're going to Cuba and all these people are helping out. All these dudes from the DEA who have, like, worked with Gabrielle Union or like, you know, we need to help get our best agent back with you guys. Henry Rollins's boys are in there. With no Henry Rollins, though, which I don't understand.

Like, is there a deleted scene where his character retires? Well, no, I want to see the scene where it's like, they're like, you know, Henry Rollins going to Cuba, Gabriel Union. He's like, I'm not. I'm staying home. Well, that sounds, uh, that sounds 10. amount to treason. You sit home and listen to some old black flag recording. That sounds like I'd be in a solo

cell for the rest of my life. Also, so when Martin Lawrence finds out that Johnny Tapia has indeed kidnapped his sister, he hangs up the phone and says, shit just got real. Which is beautiful in Hot Fuzz. Where they go to that, that is unbelievable.

So we go to Cuba. It's a big old fucking covert mission, and it's basically a fucking full-on American organized assault. on the nation of Cuba because there's fucking rocket launchers there's all sorts of explosions going on. It's a siege

on this guy's compound. It's a reverse the great escape. They tunnel their way into his compound. They're using like iguanas and cats to set off motion detectors. It's ridiculous. It is fucking Dr. Seuss's raid on Cuba. It's so stupid.

It's like it reminded me the end of Commando because you just like you got these two guys killing thousands of people. They're blowing up this building. They're shooting soldiers. That's what's crazy is at one point, one of the CIA dudes or whoever is like, hey, everybody, the Cuban military is here.

And I'm like, oh, well, this just got really horrible. And then... I best we should probably leave. They just start murdering soldiers. I tell you why, because some guy had the random throwaway line like, oh, Tapia uses it for his own private military. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's the crazy thing is, according to this movie,

Johnny Tapia's drug organization is funneling money to Fidel Castro himself. With my cigar. You thought I was gone. I'm back for all of you. Like, what the fuck are you? That's communism. Everyone should need to try to work hard in a medial job like being a police officer so that you can get a Lamborghini

like the rest of us. And a fucking mansion on the fucking water. What if this false hopes of capitalism that are shoved into this movie, it's just disgusting propaganda. It honestly really is. It's also written by people who don't understand what's going on in Cuba.

Yeah, you know. But you know, the super privileged. Yeah, I mean, you know, Will Smith is the exception of this because it's already set up he's got a trust fund. but I mean again like to go back to Martin Lawrence's house like just work really hard and you can have sports cars and a great house and whatever it's like these dudes are on a city cop salary I don't care that it's the extravagant city of Miami you're still a city cop you're getting paid dittily dick just like all the other cops in this country you know you can't I'm not say you can't own a home just not this home yeah the home from the first movie is like a kind of normal house do they fucking like strike it big at the end of that movie? I haven't seen it in a while.

I don't think they get promoted. And I mean, if they did, I mean, well, it kind of would play into this movie. Like, these guys were allowed to fucking get promoted. But still, I don't think that happens. I think they're still just both detectives. Yeah, they are detectives in this movie still. It makes no sense.

This movie, obviously, this movie's just a fantasy. Yeah. So, you know, obviously they're going to drive the cool cars and look at the most hot dead women. Oh, look at all these sexy fucking dead pieces of ass R-I-P-D. Yeah, they'll lust over the dead daughters

and then make a lot of dead sons. Well, that's like, that's a dark subplot that this movie doesn't go to is that, like, Mike Lauer his fetish is probably just, like, he's digging up, like, bodies of, like, famous, like,

Hollywood, like, starlets. I just love a fucking just a scene where he's digging up at a Nicole Smith. Marcus, guess what? This weekend, I'm going to have the Black Dahlia. Bringing a home with you.

Oh, man. Necrophilia, huh? So eventually we got another car chase of them leaving this place now. And they've killed everybody but Johnny Tapia in his number two. And they start driving down this hill and they start literally blowing up a shanty town, a town full of poor people where there's a throwaway line of like, oh, this is where they make the drugs. Exactly. That's exactly what I was about to say. That's why it's okay that they do this.

to these people because this is where they make the filthy fucking drugs so they deserve to just be blown up and have all their possessions destroyed

and their families fucking ruined. So, okay, it's okay for me to go to Eastern Brooklyn and start blowing everything else. This is where they make

it. It's so fucking ridiculous that they justify what they do here. There's going to be what, three or four labs in this entire shanty town that they're actually doing?

You run over so many houses. Women in Children, dead. Ilyan Gonzalez. Dead. Younger listeners, Wikipedia. Janet Reno's watching this movie with her fingers crossed.

Like, come on, do it. Do it. Do it. It's a really shitty Janet Reno. It actually kind of sounds like her. It's a hefty broad. They're like, hey, everybody, let's head to Guantanamo Bay. A nice safe haven.

That's actually the, the, The line of thought here, oh, I can kill part of the Cuban military, commit countless atrocities, and then just drive up to Guantanamo Bay and just say, I'm an American. Yep, that's it. And by the way, now, all is forgiven. I, you know, I don't know if anybody, you know, we have a lot of listeners outside of the United States. So just so you know, if you're an American citizen, we have stuff that's beyond just regular IDs and passports. We actually have United States of America membership cards that you. can do any kind of dumb-ass shit wherever you want

the world. I don't know. Are we supposed to be telling them about this? Well, you know what? I feel like it's time maybe we kind of disseminate this information a little bit. All you got to do is flash your American membership card. You can do all sorts of fucking dumb shit like this wherever. It doesn't matter. It's true, actually. I mean, it's going to be out on Blu-ray soon. Check out the latest

Diehard for that shit. Oh, holy fucking shit. I'll tell you what. Someone on Twitter the other day was like, hey, any of you fellas see a good day to die hard? I go, I saw it in theaters. And guess what? It's my number one candidate for the worst of 2013 coming January 2014 to this show. It is because holy fucking Christ, that movie. But anyway, yeah, you can go around and be like, hey, by the way, you know, sorry Cuba, I learned this from bad boys too.

I can fucking take a shit all over your country and then just flash my ID and I'll be totally fine. That is the moral of the story. So by the way, yeah, instead of starting World War III, which is what would happen because Cuba would be like, beepoo pop up. oh hello china yeah guess what totally just happened yeah it's on then shit gets real and then walmart would call up china actually we need a bunch of units oh well let me talk to cuba see if i can show this out well no actually you're on your own cube i'm sorry there's a big order it's a it's a it's really touch and go 13 days between america's walmart and china yes 13 days what a movie that was

So we're on the beach and sunny Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and the worst line of the movie happens here. So we're told by the American military here, you know, hey, be careful. You're standing on an active minefield. A lizard crawls over a mine and blows up. So Gabrielle Union, okay, they're doing a big, like, guns are on everybody. And she's like, okay, fine, I'm going to put my gun down. right next to this mine and she literally says that

and here you go listen right next to the mine and then slow motion this gun flies down lands perfectly on this mine blows up Johnny Taffy as number two you know what I think some of these shots are four though and I'm thinking

I'm putting myself in the head of Michael Bay idiots and they're for a decade watch this in a decade. Yes. He's going to be like, guess what I'm going to put back out? Bad Boys 2 in 3D.

Oh, fucking stop. Oh, my God. Stop your noise. It's like, he's doing a phantom menace. He's thinking ahead. Yep,

because there are like those shots, like the bullet shots from the first scene, like that's a 3D shot. Like it goes straight at the screen and the brew stop. I could see a bullet in three dimensions ripple through Martin Lawrence's buttocks. Yep. Oh.

And the blood, oh, yeah. Get ready for whenever he gets bad boys three together, which I finally used correctly. They're going to re-release the first two, you know, and that second one's going to be in 3D. You're right. We're going to have 3D buttock blasting all over the place. So that mind blows that guy up.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's in pieces, huh? Tapia's number two is gone. And then there's some sort of other distraction that causes. I think he just shoots at that. That's, yeah, the explosion happens. Gabriel Union jumps out of the way and Martin Lawrence gets a shot off and kills

Johnny Tapia and again it's another follow the bullet into his forehead blam-o this is the most ridiculous movie death outside of McGruber because he gets shot in the head you get the whole exit wound you get to see all that beautiful stuff and slow motion of course falling into the sand of course a little tribute to

Sam Packenpaw all right? I'm sure that's what Michael Bale tell you five minutes later he hits the ground and he hits a mine everyone and then you get to see like part of his only part of his body explode and it's all these little chunks everywhere and stuff. Oh yeah, it's just fucking pieces.

Will Smith gets a death boner. Well, no, that's what's crazy is because finally, right? This whole movie he's been like, you got to learn how to man up and kill somebody. There's a discussion they have where, you know, Will Smith is like, well, what would you have done? You should have killed that guy and he's like,

I would have shot him in the leg and Will Smith's like disgusted to hear this. So this happens and Will Smith says, like, that's how you shoot. Yeah, you fucking take a life. And that's exactly the fucking line from the end of the fucking first one. That's how you drive.

From now, why you drive. They're doing all this in front of the U.S. Army at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, why isn't the military stepping in being like, could you please stop using firearms on our minefield, by the way? And then what would really happen here? The U.S. government wouldn't let them just

come into the military base you don't have to you it doesn't matter because all we see is i came all the way to cuba for this smooch and then we're just hanging out in martin lawrence's pool that's the end of the fucking movie no there should have been like uh they're just hanging they're like congratulating themselves on all this death spree in cuba and then it's like uh the end of blues brothers just just like a thousand military members with guns on them and then that's it you know here's how jailhouse rap yeah God damn it you beat me to it But that's fantastic

It should be like the fucking end of God damn Butch Cassidy to Sundance Kid Where the Cubans are just all around them Oh yeah And they just all got the guns on them And that's the realistic end It drops of falling on my head

Fade to black And then just a bunch of fucking gun By the Belize army That would have been good I would have liked the movie way better If they had a Butch Cassidy Sundance case I mean how great is that

Is this the end of bad boys? Yeah, it is, because you hear all sorts of fucking gunfire go off. Because you just wrecked half a country. I mean, it would be World War III. It is so goddamn preposterous. They act like they can just go in, do this, and Cuba has no way of communicating with the outside world. Like, that's what I think. That's what an embargo means, apparently.

Yeah, all sorts of communication is completely cut off. According to this movie, fucking, like, Castro was lying two on his happiest phone. Like, What do you need, Johnny? You win this time, bad boys. So, yeah, we just cut to them in the pool, and Martin Lawrence is like, you're lucky I threw out those, you know,

transfer papers, I'll get them out of the garbage, all this shit. Will Smith has purchased them in a nude pool. This is what I don't understand. Okay, you're Will Smith. You feel bad that the $3,900 pool got ruined. So you're a trust fund, dude. You have limitless money.

right you just buy another shitty above ground pool they're $3,900 pool of it fucking pony up the cash and put in an in ground pool for this family whatever it is it's a drop in the bucket a drop in the bucket for you exactly

and then of course because we just love gag so much but it's like stop tying your dog to the pool filter how about that for starters because again the dog sees something and it's tied to this pool filter knocks the pool down and they fall

into the canal again and we're just laughing our balls off well because I'm certain if you were to ask like fucking you know how they ask filmmakers like what's your favorite movie once in a while I'm guaranteeing you that Michael Bay is answering Beethoven. I'm certain of it. No

Beethoven's second I think they needed a movie to find themselves. He's a big Debbie Mazar fan so he wants that Beethoven second. And then they're just singing bad boys in this canal and that's the end of the movie. You know what they should call, like, because he might marry this DEA girl, right?

Yeah, yeah. So they should call bad boys three bad brothers. We're finally bad brothers in law. Bad brothers in law. Yeah. I mean, that's the end of the movie. I hope this third one's terrible. I don't even know when it's coming.

I think it's like one of those like we might do it. Are they definitely doing it though? I mean, like, I think it's his next project. And like he usually only takes two years. Who, Michael Bay? Yeah. The last Transformers was two years ago in Panagan's this year. Uh-huh.

Would anybody recommend this movie? No. That's it for me. I mean, it's a really weak recommend, like, but man, be in, like, a state. Be, like, really on something. Corpse pills? Yeah, even corpse pills. Beyond corpse, X.

Ooh, corpsey. But, like, yeah, it's just so fucking crazy. And, like, if you actually pay attention to it, what is going on here is so outlandishly nuts that I kind of have to give it. And it's, I think it's by far out of all these movies, probably the craziest. And I approve of that. I mean, it's a... I mean, one movie, the world ended, or almost Armageddon. But that's like not, that's not even half as weird as fucking invaded Cuba.

right you're right trying to blow up an asteroid with a bunch of oil diggers is much more realistic yeah you know it wouldn't be if those oil diggers in outer space came across a very sexy dead woman that they stared at for a while I can't get over that scene I'm sorry it's really disgusting you know that moonrock looks like boobs let's have sex with it I don't know I mean I guess it's a light recommend for me it's like oh hey this is on hbo on a sunday afternoon and i'm hung over kind of a movie because you don't have to pay attention to anything and like all this high octane action you don't have to pay attention to you can just kind of look and be like i mean the thing about it is like we you know we made fun of him a lot today because he's made

a lot of bad movies but again michael bay made the rock the rock is a classic action film i have the shitty criterion DVD because i like it that much like go watch the rock again but I mean I have the shitty original printing fucking DVD the one that came out when all the first DVDs came out

oh yeah I have that version because I like it so much the casting and the script were good you know I mean Michael Bay is competent

enough I mean the action sequences in this were fine it's just they were ad nauseum they just went on too far exactly yeah I mean no action movie has to be two and a half hours

I'm sorry I mean this is very much like like it's not a hangover movie like the twist like twister is right because it's a little louder than that so like a mild hangover yeah actually that's a good call about the volume you can't be too hungover you gotta be more like just like that tired hangover not like a dehydration headache maybe a well no stomach flu because of all the fucking camera movement oh yeah you'll shit your pants you'll go right out so that's it that's bad boys too we're gonna roll on with our summer blockbuster extravaganza next week of course still plenty of episodes on the way this is only three of a bunch so uh look

forward to that until then for more information about the show if you want to get a hold of us or more information about past episodes check out the website w hm podcast dot com like us on facebook follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail dot com if you subscribe to the show in itunes uh rate and review there if you could that would be appreciated by us it helps increase the profile of this program in the iTunes store. You can also find us on Stitcher. You can download the Stitcher radio app

and stream the most recent five episodes of the show on the go. Eric's program, Blame it on Outerspace. The first Wednesday of every month a new conspiracy theory or paranormal tale is brought down in comedic fashion. They're over at Blamein on Outerspace.com.

They're on Facebook. They're on Twitter at Blam Spacepad. And you can also check them out in iTunes and Stitcher. And Chris is writing for Slant Magazine and the house next door can be found at slant. com so we'll see you next week until then i'm andrew jupin eric siska chris cabin take it easy