We Hate Movies - S3 Ep116: Jaws 3-D

Episode Date: June 25, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang takes a second trip back into the water (this time in 3-D!) with the lackluster shark sequel, Jaws 3-D! Why did the Sea World folks sign on for this movie? Did Dennis Quaid really need to carry out that cock block? And did Michael Crichton rip this off for "Jurassic Park"? Plus: A beloved film character gets an STD. Jaws 3-D stars Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Louis Gossett Jr., Lea Thompson and Simon MacCorkindale; directed by Joe Alves. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin, students, Hedek. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in. As always, welcome to another week of our SBE3. hashtag SBE3, our summer blockbuster extravaganza. This week, we're going back into the water one more time with 1983's Jaws 3D.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, we finally made it out of that family, right? Finally got rid of that Schneider clan. They're there. What are you talking about? Oh, they are? Yeah, that's the family that exists. Wait, wait, Dennis Quaid?

Dennis Quaid and the brothers. Because they're recast. They're brodies. They're a bunch of little brodies. You know what? That's tenuous at best, Brody connection. They hardly talk about their great sheriff pie. They have one little line there.

I didn't watch the movie. I was going to say, I think you've been revealed to not watch this movie. I did watch this movie, maybe. I got notes on it. I see Angela Lansbury in your notes. Angela Lansbury isn't in this movie? Yeah. Quaid is is the one brother and then the unknown actor who's directed a lot of TV is the younger brother who in the first movie is the one who's stuck in the lagoon on the boat and he's crying and shit and he gets killed in the fourth movie played by a different actor yeah he gets killed in the fourth movie yeah so there's a surviving brother in that fourth movie right yeah it's Michael yeah Michael Dennis Quaid's character in this movie is played by a different guy in the next movie so he goes to sea world and

works and there's a shark attack and then he goes to the Caribbean and there's a shark attack and his hometown there's a shark attack. I think the third movie's proven to be a dream for some reason. There's just no reference to it whatsoever. We talked about this on the last Jaws episode with Jaws the Revenge. They totally just forget that this movie exists. It might be a fever dream. They might have just washed it out of their memory.

Highlander 3 does that with Highlander 2. Oh, does it really? Yeah, it's just like, yep, nope. I've never seen any of those Highlander sequels. they're worth your time maybe this is the lead to see at the end of this movie they wake up Elaine Gary

and she wakes up in a really cold room it's because the sun the earth has been actually moving away from the sun the whole time man that is one of my all-time favorite Twilight Zone episodes it's a great one all right so here we are Jaws 3D it's directed by a fellow named Joe Alves

or Alvesez possibly this guy like it has Jaws the franchise in his blood like he was responsible for working on the original shark and the Spielberg flick with some sort of production assistant on this second one and the third one they were like all right who is still hanging around

oh Joe's here hey Joe direct this movie it was uh it's an interesting thing before we get into the the story here this was conceived as a spoof movie uh really yeah whichever zanick was still around darrell zanick maybe it was him and another fella

and they were like hey wouldn't it be hilarious if there was this like jaws spoof thing where they're trying to make a movie of Jaws and it's just like this ridiculous spoof thing there was a scene where a guy playing Peter Benchley who wrote the Jaws book is like eaten by a shark in his pool like all this crazy fucking shit and Spielberg said if they made that movie

he was walking away from his contract with Universal and they were like oh holy shit all right never mind we'll just make it a regular shitty movie don't worry Stephen we'll make a Jaws 3 it'll be 3D for you Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Spielberg. Oh, I'm really awfully sorry. I am. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. And then Zannick and the other dude, because they didn't get to make their parody movie, walked away from Universal. But it's like, you shouldn't have Spielberg threatened that after this became such a bloated, useless franchise? Just stop using my movie. Like, dude, just really. I mean, I think, you know, there was only one sequel before this one. Yeah, but after seeing this movie, how did other people go for another bite? I, that I don't know.

How jaws the revenge? Which, by the way, you know, we said we mentioned it, but, you know, for maximum enjoyment, there's an episode we did in last year's Blockbuster series, which is Jaws the Revenge with Michael Cain and, you know, Mario Van Peebles and whatnot, go check that out. But yeah, I don't know how after this movie they were like, you know what, let's try one more time, maybe we'll nail it. Well, because it's the weird thing with 3D is when, especially when you make a movie that's so 3D-centric is this one, you can almost kind of call it a wash. Well, like, we spent so much time on that 3. Let's go back to our roots. You know what I mean?

I think that's kind of why that fourth movie is so incredibly boring. They're like, oh, the body count is so silly, and the movie was so silly. Let's make a movie about family values. Right. It's so stupid. I mean, but the other thing is this came about also because there was that ridiculous 3D boom in the 80s. And there's a crazy list of shit here. Star Chaster, the legend of Oren, which I've never heard of.

Metal Storm, the Destructed of Jared Sin. Never heard of it. A lot of colids in these tiles. This movie, that flick Parasite, there was an Amityville horror sequel that was in 3D. Friday the 13th part 3D. Yep, that's totally on here. There was a flick called Coming at you, which made no bones about it. Coming at you!

It was literally like, here's a 3D movie and shit's fucking coming in your face. It was the whole basis of the movie. Oh, man. One for Coming at you, please. And a couple other shitting things. A pervert and a fucking in a 1972 Times Square. raincoats like one for coming out you please and he just comes out and he's like

I got a couple things wrong with this title I'll tell you right now I mean I completed myself which is fine but still I did not I didn't get what I was promised so all right here we are Jaws 3D taking place at the actual SeaWorld which right away

if you're Seaworld like the SeaWorld you've been around since the early 60s how on earth are you okay with this movie being made disgracing your name? Yeah you You know, let's put, we're SeaWorld. Let's have that synonymous with aquatic terror. Honestly, like, this is a, it's a real cock-up, which, what happens in this movie.

I think it's a thing where it's kind of that movie The Internship, where, like, you know, we're just going to be the background of all this. It'll be a big old commercial for us, you know? Right. And, but, you know, clearly a big old shark couldn't get it to Sea World. I mean, I hope our audience knows that, right? You know, a big old computer. shark couldn't get into Google. Oh, no.

Maybe that's why the shark looks so terrible. Like, they had a great-looking shark and see what we can't do that. You'll confuse people. It needs to look robotic. It has to look like absolute garbage.

They fucking took this shark off of Adam West's knee, you know? That's a really sweet Batman the movie reference. Yeah, the other thing is, and I'm just going to get this out of the way right now, this theory that I have running. This movie comes out in 1983. Okay. I feel a young, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Michael Crichton

went to the theater and saw this movie because in 1990, just short seven years later, he writes Jurassic Park. And this movie is essentially Jurassic Park. And along the way through this episode, we'll point out, you know, what these things are. But the main one that we can get into right now, the movie is about SeaWorld. There's a new attraction opening up that's cost a lot of money. And, uh-oh, what could go wrong? A giant monster-sized animal is on the loose. Cloned from dinosaur bosses. And then, shockingly, yeah, the shark was made from dino DNA.

So we got Dennis Quaid, a strapping young Dennis Quaid. We got Leah Thompson in this movie, her first motion picture ever. We got Back to the Future, still a couple years off. You got your Lou Gosset Jr., everybody's favorite. Lou Gosset Jr., who, I mean, yeah, we can say this one right here. He is the John Hammond. of this picture he's the millionaire he's the guy who just wants to run a big old fun theme park he's a little less likable than john hammond because at least john hammond like kind of learns his less

oh no the people the children but lu gaza junior just like bleeds money and he's like fuck this is going to cost me a fortune yeah lu gossett junior doesn't seem to care that people are getting killed he's got no emotional story about a flea circus he doesn't give a little girl a big tub of ice cream you know oh mommy can i see the fleas can i see the fleas no mommy They weren't need to flee. Well, I think the difference between the two fellows is one has an island. He's that rich. And the other guy's got basically a six flags with water.

And a six flags with water is exactly right. But somehow they spend, is it like $26 million on this sea lab? It's an enormous amount of money. This sea lab is insane. This would be like half. Yeah. Like the government. couldn't furnish this sea lab in

1983 or whatever. So we're saying sea lab and all I can think about is that great cartoon. So explain to the audience what this sea, what are they doing in this park? Well, Louis Gossi Jr. has

a sea lab under the water. And they go down there for experiments. If you're looking for Lou Gossett Jr., you can check under the sea. It's basically this, you know, it's a man-made lagoon. And Dennis Quaid is the engineer

of this new attraction for this park. It's a man-made lagoon. It's got like a million gallons of water in or something ridiculous that they say. And it's, yeah, there's tubes, you know, there's tubular, like, passageways to each way and, like, it's all clear. You can see everything. It's like you walk the attraction is you can walk under the sea and all the shit floats around. There's a haunted house down there, too, a haunted, like, sea boat, which just never happened before Orson. They've constructed... It's under the Bermuda Triangle. They've constructed, like, a fake pirate ship.

complete with like terrifying fake skeletons like that's the most haunting part of this movie is seeing like creepy underwater wreckage i got a weird thing with underwater wreckage man i can like there's a bunch of shit on netflix about like sunken chips and shit like they just james cameron their way through a 48 minute documentary it is fascinating just like ocean wrecks like that so if i tell you that you're going to go to davy jones's locker you'd be really freaked out yeah no i would one because i know there's like skeleton pirates down there like jeffrey Russian shit. I saw that movie. This also, by the way, there's a thing

in this movie that I find really appealing. And I, you know, I've discussed this on the show before, the idea of, like, my alternate universe life and timeline and what that is. And one of them I discussed with that ski flick we did there. Skis school. Aspen Extreme. You know, my idea

of, like, being this, like, you know, DJ in a ski town, like that kind of a thing. Another thing is working at, like, a seasonal resort town where you just have, like, kind of a cool job where you're out on the water all day. And then you just go get shit hammered at like the local bar down the road. Right. Totally would love that.

Every day is summer. Oh, yeah. And then in the winter you're begging for change. Oh, man, I can't wait for the sweet times of summer. I swear to God, you know, it's only April. I will still suck your dick. Please let me inside. I got to save up for that cold winter coming.

Kind of put on that layer of fat. It's like so I can survive. to open a day of SeaWorld. Lord, I wish Seaworld was an indoor park some days. Oh, man, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to rob a convenience store. I'll go away for eight months. They'll put me in, I'll get some nice government food,

and I'll come out just for the start of SkiWorld season. In high school, one of my teachers told the story about, about, I guess, this mischievous bum. It's the best kind of bum, honestly. Because, you know, New York is, it tends to be cold in the winter. So the bum would, like, live out in the summertime. It'd be happy, you know, live off the land, so to speak, or the populace. Yeah, eating out of the garbage, you know, living off the land.

Right. But then every, like, right when it starts to get cold, like in late November, every time he would throw a brick through this one guy's window. Every year, it's the same shopkeep that's like, come on. And you get arrested? Yeah, and then you get three square meals and a roof over his head. Yeah.

That is, that's like a, that guy's got it down, I feel. That seems like my alternate timeline where I made one mistake in my life where it's just like the one thing I didn't do right. So basically, Lugasch Jr.'s overextended himself and he's really got to sell some tickets this summer. And to promote it, he gets this Jacques Cousteau knockoff guy who kind of looks like Jamie Lannister.

He looks a little like Jamie Lannister, but make no mistake about it, by the way, this dude and his buddy, who they may be in a relationship with. Oh, they're definitely in a relationship. It's the Muldoon character from Jurassic Park. This is Philip Fitzroyce. That's a name and a half. I know. Since we talked about Dakota St. Croix on Friday, Friday the 13th part five, that's what I kept on calling this guy that by mistake.

I was like, oh, no, no, no, Fitz Royce. I would have to see his idea. Like, that's not a real name. Come on. sound like you're lying to me right now. I kind of like F. Scott Fitzgerald, and I like Rolls-Royce.

You think this guy was a grifter? He's a Don Draper, man. He just had to... He remade himself. It's like fucking Kaiser Soze, looking at all the shit on the wall, trying to figure out his story. Philip Fitzroyce was in Vietnam for five days.

Just swapped out someone's identity. The guy had a copy of the Great Gatsby in his bag, and he's like, hey. My name is Nick Carraway. Yes, you're right. Yeah, so they're trying to get this park online. They're rushing for opening day, this new thing.

And there's a detail that we can't forget is that this man-made lagoon is accidentally connected to the ocean or possibly intentionally connected to the ocean. This man-made thing that they had total control over making, they decided to connect it to the ocean. To be fair, there is a rickety gate that you could open and close. Well, maybe that's for like the salt water, like let these these, these. Fishies need their regular environments. They do send the dolphins out. And also, by the way, this is what's really bizarre is these, the two dolphins and the, the killer whale that they have, they were actual SeaWorld celebrities.

Like, that killer whale is Shamu. And then the other two, the two dolphins, whatever their names are. Cindy and Sandy. Cindy and Sandy were SeaWorld attractions. And it's like, how in it two universal pictures did SeaWorld decide to get? you're using your sea world talent like one of the dolphins lives is like threatened at the end of the movie and it might be dead is a fan of the sea world franchise being like oh no is sandy dead yeah i think it was in their contract not to have them decimated by this shark because honestly that's what should have happened oh yeah oh yeah it should have happened they're fish food i mean the thing is mammal food steve no sharks are fish though dolphins are mammals both ways my friends my friends are Oh, whatever.

The one thing I wonder, you think they were, they're looking for a spinoff, like just looking for an ABC sitcom, Cindy and Sandy? Like, do this horror movie really quick and shitty, it's beneath you, but, you know, get your face out there. Oh, like, Flipper? Yeah, I think they thought it could be like the return of Flipper. Sequest DSV, DVS, SvU. Anybody watching Sequest, by the way?

What's going on with that show? Is there a Stargate down there? I thought you were talking about it's out on that. Anybody catch a Sequest yet? Is it good? Yeah, I just discovered Sequest. It was like a decade after this, and it wasn't very good. No?

I saw it as a kid a little bit. I don't remember. Shatner was on a little bit of that one. Roy Shider was all over that show. Oh, that's what I might be thinking about. But I think Shatner might have had like a three-episode arc. Would he wear a Tech War T-shirt? I think he might have been.

And then that was Jonathan Brandis. That's right. R.R.P. RIPI, yeah. One thing about Lou Gossett Jr., the credits, the opening credits, it's Jaws 3D, the... It's always weird when this happens when you say, and Louis Gossett Jr. as Calvin Bruchard.

Right. Like, you know who Calvin Bouchard is before the movie starts? Like, I hate that. It makes sense. It's like... And Dan Aykroyd as, like, you know, Faddy Rbuckle. Yeah, exactly.

Kind of the same. We would not win on Penn. Yes, words. They're both crooks, right? Fannie Arbuckle stole that woman's life. I heard he was, yeah, very terrible in real life, although funny on screen. I saw they're finally going to try to make that movie again that Farley was supposed to do with Eric Stone Street from Modern Family.

Oh, that might be pretty good, right? That's a good, certainly better than Will Sassow. Yeah, he already ruined one obese comedy legend. Although, you know, I'm... What, Will Sassau? Yeah. Oh, no, you meant Curly, yeah.

Curly, yeah. Although, I'll tell you what, guys, and I feel really dirty saying this. I watched that Three Stooges movie. I didn't hate it. I mean, it's bad. It's a bad movie. But me as like a big Stooges fan,

I was like, all right, well, I can see how they were, like, attempting to be faithful to it. Like, because the Farreleys were, I mean, are big Stooges fans themselves. So, like, the effort was there. It fucking sucked ass and they go on the Jersey show and it's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life.

But like, respectful to the memory of the stooges, which I was shocked about, honestly. I remember thinking it would be worse, but I was inebriated, so I don't remember a lot of it, and I'm sensing a pattern here with Jaws 3D. Sometimes you get a little too

in too deep with your show research. Speaking about those opening credits, by the way, you know, there's not much to talk about here as far as the 3D is concerned, because it's almost non-existent, but you're going to this movie and you're like, oh, man, 3D, it's back, you know, in Pog4.

And, you know, the first bit of 3D that you see in this movie is fucking disgusting fish chum. Yeah. There's a 3D, like, fish head that's just, like, dead floating at the screen in a cloud of blood water. And I'm like, oh, okay, this is what the 3D is going to be, fish parts. It's that. And there's also, like, all sorts of different shots where someone's like, and you, like, you know, pointing out at somebody. Or, like, someone's got a stick. And it's like, oh, it's coming at you.

They rip off the gag from Friday the 13th part 3D Where Jason shoots the harpoon gun at the woman and hits her in the eye And the 3D effect is the harpoon going at the camera And that came out in 82 It's a clear theft from a shitty horror sequel That's actually, I don't know, I kind of like that sequel I actually really like Friday the 13th part 3 Yeah certainly more than Jaws 3D

Oh yeah absolutely And the 3D is used I think a little little bit better in that because actually the Blu-ray that's out has the 3D version on it with 3D glasses in the case it's worth your seeking it out. Well now

if it's the 3D with the glasses in the case are they still doing the red blue 3D? They are doing the red blue 3D because that's what was there at the time. Right. So you're basically seeing how it was and I did it at home and it worked out just fine. Yeah that's cool. Where are you

going to say Steve? Sorry. Dennis Quaid's got one of So, like, basically, like, Dennis Quaid's this boss, right? He's a young guy, he's the engineer, and he's like, it starts out. He's like, he's got all these shitty workers who are trying to get overtime, and he's like, nobody's getting fucking overtime on my shit. And then they're like, come on, boss. He's like, all right, you know, hey, Tommy, go fix, you go lock the gate for the night. Like, really, it's like, lock the back door of SeaWorld, and he's like, but come on,

let's talk about overtime. And Dennis Quaid's got a great end to an argument, which is, I've got more important things to do, and he gets on a jet ski and goes away. You're not getting them back Because you don't have a jet ski You're in his wake literally He left you in his wake That is pretty awesome

Because it's like a it's a stand only jet ski Which it's kind of like A Segway Yeah it's like the Segway of the seas A seaway So yeah There's a lot of just like He's the engineer

And his girlfriend in this movie Is the actress who played the mom on my so-called life And like She's the She's a, not an oceanographer, but I mean, she's a marine biologist, I guess. She trains the animals. And she knows all about them and, like, all that stuff. And she really cares about all these animals.

Right. And it's, specifically Cindy and Sandy. Specifically Cindy and Sandy. And Shamu, I guess. She's riding Shamu in her first scene. There's a lot of ridiculous animal riding, which we'll get to. I'm just imagining the Cindy and Sandy spin-off, like, bosom buddies is happening. And then, like, they've got a leaky ceiling.

And they're like, what's going on? Oh, these two sexy babes moved out upstairs. There's Siddy and Sandy, and they're all getting excited to meet him, and there's just two dolphins. That's their backdoor pilot. They made a cameo. Now, the Shamu is a killer whale of sorts, right? Isn't that what this? Yeah, it's like an orca.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got some murderous teeth that shamoo. I mean, we should see that. I would have loved to see that fight, right? The shark versus this killer whale, because you know that this killer whale can take down dozens of seals. absolutely just dozens upon dozens they're like Doritos to him I know it's just there is that movie I've still never seen but I want to check it out is that orca the killer whale it's like a horror movie that's sort of like a

Jaws rip up maybe they saw this and got inspired to combine the two ideas and make a horror movie but you're right let's get a fight going let's get a fight I mean if I'm if you're introducing these sharks to this world of sea wonders I want to see the best of the best of the under the sea going up against each other. It shouldn't be left up to the humans this time. It should be the underwater sea creatures battling as nature intended.

Maybe Lugosk Jr. got like this giant squid just got in house and this new exhibit. I got this new giant squid I've been meaning to try out. He just six it on the shark. Dennis Quaid's girlfriend, like genetically engineers like dolphins that can

like fucking, that have robot beaks or something. Or lasers on their heads. A little bit of laser head though. Dippo blew up. My hat is like a shock spin. Fucking song. Wow. So, yeah, this dude goes out to lock the gate and he gets killed. It's the first kill of the movie.

You know, I will give this movie this. Compared especially to Jaws the Revenge, the body count in this movie's pretty high. Like, they know what they're doing with the third Jaws movie, at least. Because what are you coming back for, if not shark attacks? Yeah, the shark attacks all throughout. I mean, There's not, there's actually two Jawsies in this film.

That's the plural of Jaws, right? Yeah, sure. Jawses, keeping up with the Jawses. So, you know, sort of kicking off the people plot of this movie, aside from Lou Gossett, is Dennis Quaid's brother comes to town, little brother, Sean, who's not long for this world, as we know, from Jaws 4. He's got about four years to live. He's going to death count.

Yeah, and, you know, he's the one that he had the big trauma in the future. in the first movie so he's the one who's scared of the water he doesn't like being on the water he doesn't like swimming blah blah blah he went to college in colorado or something like that just to get away from the water which makes perfect fucking sense absolutely that's where the whole fucking family should have moved exactly but uh so he comes to town and it's like they're just they're going out for a nice night on the town kind of and this is what i'm talking about this is like nice townie bar thing yeah oh yeah sea world townie bar everybody there's just talking about fish and shit it'd be great

Yeah, you know, that'd get old, I think. I don't know. I like being on the water and stuff, so it probably wouldn't affect me too much. And I like drinking beer. No, but that smell sticks with you. You know what I mean? Yeah, you get used to it.

That sea world smell, like somebody just comes up. You like, get the fuck out of my face. You must work at fucking SeaWorld, you smelly prick. So this is where we meet up with Leah Thompson, who is a trick-skier, trick-water skier, I guess. She looks like the cowardly lion in this movie The way your hair is all done When the cowardly lion gets done up

At the end of Wizard of Oz She's got all these curls And this big like Pouffat thing A little bow in her hair You know So she's this water scary And this is where I feel Lou Gossett Jr's Extending himself a little bit

It's like all the aquatic shows And dance numbers and shit That he puts in this park Like I've never been to a sea world But I would imagine They're sort of light On this kind of entertainment then go broke

well you got all these animals that you're dealing with and then on top of that you're paying all these water skiers and you know boat drivers for that and all sorts of shit well I doubt they make too much you know they work for tips there's like a floating bowl it's really not making a living

you think I mean the whole pot of sea world is the splash zone you know you go to the Shammu show and it's like oh shit here it comes I got splashed and now I'm going to go home with a $35 t-shirt and now I smell like fucking you know, whale feces or whatever the fucks. I don't trust that water, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, it's full of like piss and chum. Oh, it's got to be disgusting. And that's what's really, I hand it to these actors. They're all inside that shit. Like, those animals are there. Dennis Quaid's just flopping around with all these fucking things. Which is also a whale come in that water? Yeah, who needs to swim through that?

You go through like nine bathing suits a season. You're the one advocating to work there. Yeah, but I would be more on like the engineer side of things. What's that, what's that in? Wait, like Dennis Quaid, until all the shark shenanigans starts happening. You gotta be an engineer first, pal. You have baby steps. I need a five-year degree in engineering before I can work at SeaWorld.

Just tell him a shark killed some of your family. Oh, instant pass. Yeah. That's a great sob story. Get them on the payroll. So here we are, you know, having a nice night out, and we decide things are going to get a little romantic. And this is one of the ultimate cock blocks.

I could also maybe consider it. a sexy prank. It's a bit of a sexy prank. So, yeah, we'll let the audience decide. The scene is as follows. Leah Thompson really wants to get it on with Sean. So she's like, hey, man, you know, let's go for a dip. And he's like, sexy swim.

Yeah, he's like, eh, I don't do the ocean. And you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh, yeah, shark attack. And she's like, oh, okay, well, how about a lagoon? And he's like, ugh, lagoons. I heard there's a creature from one of those. And that's a call back to the movie. like I said before, he's the kid that gets stuck in Lagoon on the boat, blah, blah, blah.

So he goes so far to say, oh, it's because I had a childhood trauma and she's like, that sounds sexy. Like, you drop it, what do you say? Bring up childhood trauma. You don't ask any questions. Childhood drama, my panties just fell right on. Well, because she's like a nymphomaniac or something, and that probably means she had probably some also childhood trauma that she might inaccurately think is,

Sexes. I see. Yeah, I see where you're going. That happens. It does happen. Every day. It's more prevalent than shark attacks. It's the whole pornography. It's the shark of the sea. I mean, shark of the land. Land sharks, child molesters. So here we are. We're in the lagoon going for a little sexy dip. And then Dennis Quaid and the mom from my so-called life pull up. and he's like, I got a great idea. Let's go yell at him with a bullhorn.

And it's a lot of like, you, stop right there, pervert. You know, and he's like in his jockey shorts and she's in her underwear and, you know, brawn panties and whatnot. They were good to get it. It's a C block. And also, like, if I said, like, they notice like, oh, the boots are there, the shirts there, the pants are there. They're like, hey, let's keep going. Like, I would be like, oh, my brother's a little busy right now.

I don't want to see my brother's dick doing things to other people. That's the thing because you don't know. specifically doing things to other people. I don't see my brother's dick independently doing things to other people. I don't want to see it grocery shopping. I don't want to see it at the bank, depositing a check.

I mean, you're right, though. You could have your little flashlight, and it's like boots, pants, shirts. Ooh, this is getting sexy. Then all of a sudden, you're into something and you don't want to be there. Like, why would you proceed on doing this? But they do.

And then it just turns into a big beach fight. Like, you know, the dude, like, tackles Dennis Quaid and it's big old rassling match. And you're like, oh, brothers. It's so much fun. If you think it's a sexy prank, though, Eric, explain sexy prank to me. Well, you see a couple people in their knickers, and then you get on your bullhorn. You're like, ah, we see you. And that's kind of where it ends.

Yeah. Like, it's like, oh, we got you. You know, you're right. But it's a sexy prank. It's like two. And then immediately the payoff's not as good as the sex might have been. Exactly. So I see the point.

The way you feel laughing, it doesn't feel as good as I would feel having sex with this woman. Well, also, maybe to a degree Dennis Quaid's just like, oh, man, if they spot us, maybe they'll think we were watching or something like that.

So he's like, I just have to ruin this before there's a different kind of misunderstanding. Right. Because you might not want to see his brother's thing doing things to other people. Absolutely. You don't want to see his dick. You know, talk to other people, long people's dogs. Maybe, Quaid, because Quaid's been working around the Sea Lab, Sea World for a while.

He might know that this Thompson chick is probably ripe with venereal disease. And is perhaps jumping in front of a bullet here. What are you talking about venereal disease? I don't get finereal diseases. The cowardly line with STDs. It's a jungle out there. Forget a heart. I'd kill those of valtrax.

It's just a little purple pill. It's all I take is a little poimple pill. Oh, boy. Well, you know, say what you want, Lion. I wish I had a heart to get infected with venereal disease. I wish I had blood. Attention. You in the water.

You are trespassing on SeaWorld property. Come out of the water with your hands raised high above your head. I'm okay. My brother works here. So, all right, so they determined that this beefcake that got killed out by the gate, or, you know, he's missing. They don't know that he's dead. It takes them forever to find this fucking guy. Well, because he's a dude.

This is hilarious. This is why you should never be an unreliable employee in this kind of work because he doesn't show up for work. And his girlfriend's like, oh, he's probably banging that skank bag. If I catch him, I'm going to kick his ass. And you're like, ah, geez, all right. And then Lou Gosson Jr's like, I'm just his boss. Yeah, Dennis Quinn's like, what do you want me to do about it? He, like, throws his stuff on him or something.

Yeah, yeah. She's ready to kick him out. Little does she know, he's in pieces. I bet her face is pretty bad. He's literally beside himself. So then Lou Gossett Jr. is like, you know, hey, where's McGillicuddy or whatever? And Dennis Quaid's like, well, I don't know. We haven't been able to track him down.

And he's like, you know what, Dennis Quaid? He is an unreliable employee. When you get him back here, he is fired. And then Dennis Quaid tries to go to bat for this dead dude. And you know what, fire that Andrew Juppin, too. He thinks this is just one big vacation. I looked at his engineering dream. He had all sorts of holes on it.

Sucking all sorts of dicks in the wintertime. What does he think we do around here? So, you know, Dennis Quaid tries to go to bat for him. He's like, listen, Lou Gassad Jr., like, he's a good guy. You know, you can't fire him. It just might be an honest mistake. And he's like, all right, fine. You're responsible then.

Like, what the fuck? Like, he's just, Dennis Quay is just trying to do the right thing here. And he gets the shaft. So they say, all right, listen, this is where we last told. them to go they kind of have an inkling like something might have happened maybe he drunkenly drown or something like that let's go out and take a look so dennis quid and the mom from my so-called life hop in like this cool little like oh man see pods are my favorite things in the world sea pods are really awesome i like those so they go down and this is where we see like the underwater you know

part of the lagoon and there's like the ship and the skeleton and all this shit and this is where we encounter the shark the shark's there and it's really awesome because they're like like, oh, my God, a shark, how are we going to get out of here? And these two fucking Cindy and Sandy dolphins come in, like, hop on, guys, and they, like, grab the fins and they escape together? How ridiculous. I mean, how ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Like, I know dolphins are highly intelligent and whatnot, but, like, really, they know that they, you know, these human beings need an escape route.

So, like, hop on, let's go. If these dolphins could speak, one of them would say, anyone for Chinese, and then they just jump on and go away. Because we certainly don't want Japanese now, do we? I don't want to eat my brother. But, you know, I've always heard that dolphins can always ward off sharks with their noses. Really? Oh, because they're their, you heard this? No.

Like, apparently like, uh, well, like sharks or like cartilage or something. I always heard, heard that dolphins can actually ward off a shark just by bumping into them or something weird. Oh, really? Perhaps I, I just dreamed this. I always kind of thought we should have seen a battle between these dolphins. Just fight them, exactly. Just like poke the shark away. If the dolphins are smart enough to understand that these two human beings need an escape plan,

then they're also smart enough to know that they should fight the shit out of these dolphins for my entertainment. I always kind of thought dolphins were kind of like bog-wise and sharks were gremlin. Like that's how sharks reacted. If a dolphin eats a fish after midnight, it turns into a shark. I guess if you get it dry. I was going to say the water things out the window. But yeah, if it dries off, it turns into a shark and goes back in the water. It's a pretty apt analogy.

Yeah, because they're all cute and lovable and always, like, you know, singing cute songs, then sharks just fuck shit up. Yeah. Here's a question about gremlins. So you feed your magua after midnight, right? Classic mistake. Right. now what if that magwai like puked it back up if it was like bad Chinese food it got a little like sick is it already too late is the eggs hatching it doesn't have to get to the colon yeah at what point in the mogwai's digestive crack do the eggs start popping off of them better yet I'm taking my magua to California oh it's three you know it's eight o'clock it's nine o'clock here I'm going to feed my mogwai a little piece of chicken yeah time zones matter do you drive it across

cross the border. It's like, uh-uh, no, it's 11 again. The griblins suck back into the mogwai. Yeah, I don't think they really accounted for that shit. It was just straight up East Coast shenanigans with gremlins. They're not indigenous to the West Coast. Just the eastern seaboard in China. If you take a magway to California, it fucks up the ecosystem out there. It's like how you can't send a shit to South America or like all. Australia or whatever, it just fucks it up.

Right, they always want those, you have any fruits or vegetables, flora or fauna. I prefer fauna. So now it's like, okay, there's a, holy shit, there's a shark. Right, we got a shark on our hands. Big problem. It's a great white. And Fitzroyce is like, I'll kill your shark. I'll kill him nice and good.

And his boyfriend there. And I mean, these guys are just like, you don't know what's going on. Like at first they're just like the repair. Like he's his cameraman and Fitzroyce is the action. and as this movie goes on Fitzroyce's cameraman cares a lot about Fitzroyce. He cares an awful deal about Fitzroyce. Fitzroyce's partner, by the way,

played by Hatchet Harry from Lockstock and Two Smoking Barrels. Oh, really? It was fucking driving me nuts. That's why I have to say it out loud. So the whole thing, right, yeah. So, you know, Fitz Royce, the end of it is, well, kill him.

It'll be great. We can film. it for me documentary. It'll be perfect. And then on the other side of it is the mom from my so-called life who's like, no, what are you crazy? Like, listen to this, Lou Gaza, Jr. If you keep this thing in captivity, there's

never been a great white that's lived in captivity before. If we capture this thing, I know how to take care of it, which she says, which is bizarre. It's proved not true. Right. You know, I can take care of this thing and you will make so much money. The funny thing is both ends of this are about making

money. You'd think that she cares about it for science, and maybe in a little way she does, but she doesn't, like, you need the character to express that. She's just like, you can make so much money with this thing alive than you were dead. Well, I think she's like saying that to him,

but she's maybe a little compassionate. Like, I want to nurture this shark back to health so that it can kill us all. But the character, you know, I mean, this is a movie. Like, the character has to say that in some way. We essentially know nothing about this woman. Yeah. Other than she'd go on to star in my so-called life

in a few years. Her argument's garbage, too, because they're both kind of trying to convince Lou Gusser Jr. by dollars and cents, which is the only thing he knows. Right. So he's like, oh, yeah, you get a great special of me killing this dolphin with me shirt off. You know, it'll break the bank. And then she's like, no, no, no, no, no. It'll be even better if we keep the dolphin, keep the shark alive and you can give updates as to how the shark is doing. Like, what do you think's going to draw more people, Gossett? Yeah, it's killing this thing on camera. or scientific updates once a month.

Ooh, it grew three inches it did. So they capture this fucking thing, by the way. They use this woman as bait, which is weird. She goes along with it. The other thing is Dennis Quaid is on the side of Muldoon, like Fitzroy's here, like, no, let's just kill it. This is ridiculous. It's a giant monster.

Well, he's into this girl, and why put her in harm's way for literally probably nothing? Right. So she is put in harm's way. The shark, actually, I'll admit to this, It's kind of a good scare in the movie. She's just, like, you know, she's diving and she's got the scuba tank and whatnot. The shark really does kind of come out of nowhere and sort of like get her stuck on its jaw kind of a thing.

It doesn't bite her or anything. Oh, imagine that in 3D, Andrew. How much more scary would that be? That's what's so stupid is, like, the 3D technology was so terrible that none of that stuff that you want to see in 3D is in 3D at all. Like this cool shark attack shot. It's like a nice low angle, like looking up. This thing sneaks up from behind. Nope, nothing.

No 3D effects here. And so they get it in captivity. They drug it and knock it out and, you know, bring it in through. There's like a pipeline that they get it into like the observatory part of the park. And they're kind of like massage it just to keep it moving kind of anything. That's the whole thing. Well, isn't that the old, the old tail of a shark stops moving, it dies? Like it's got to keep swimming and whatnot.

You can't feed it after midnight. Yeah, I heard that too. You can't dry it out. I'm sorry, it's a dog. I'm stupid. So they get this thing in captivity, and it's coming down. It's sort of a timetable that we work with in the first movie, right? It's like Memorial Day or the Fourth of July or whatever it is.

You know, the mayor wants to get the beaches open and everything because the tourists. You know, it's the same thing here. Lugasa Jr. is like it's getting to be the start of the season. You know, I got to get this new part of the park open. We want all these people to come in big business, big business, big business. You know, it's the early 80s, business, business, business. He even says the early 80s It's just bizarre

They don't really quantify stuff like that As far as decades ago Until it's over with But in this instance He's like hey it's the early 80s Come on Look at your shorts How fucking high those are

The fucking high shorts in this movie By the way Oh I envy them I do How are we able to do this Ever in America What do you mean Just the like Dennis Quaid's shorts

I mean there is just Barely your room for anything If he squats the right way He's hanging brain Just a different time, man. That was, like, more acceptable. I'll, you know, I will admit to preferring a shorter length short. I never did the jorts situation, like that fucking Kevin Smith style.

No, thank you. Well, that's barely, it makes any sense to wear shorts because you're just kind of wearing baggy pants. Well, it's got a baggiest. It's kind of a skirt. But a cool, a coot. But it does sound like that you want to work at SeaWorld specifically in the early 80s. Yeah. Yeah.

brain everywhere. You could be drunk. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, that's, again, I mean, again, the kind of, like, the class of people working at this SeaWorld. Oh, yeah, it's called Lo. They're essentially a bunch of dead meat. It's like the camp counselors in a Friday the 13th movie.

They're all fucking and drinking and shit. And you're just like, really SeaWorld? This is the kind of class of people that you, like, not all these people are punished by death, by the way. A lot of these people survive. I mean, it's an amusement park. People smoke and pot all day. Like, that's how you get through those shifts. Oh, yeah. Exactly. And why, why is that

environment fostered there? Two words. Minimum wage. By the way, I'm going to market Kevin Smith's Jewelots, which are Kevin Smith Coolots, that are made up to look like jeans. That's pretty great. He'd probably love that. Could you make a Jewelot

hockey jersey set? It's just a big jumper. Or maybe like two jerseys. Like there's another jersey for the bottom half. Somehow figuring that riddle out. Oh, I'm sorry. This is my bottom half jersey. Oh, a skirt?

No, my bottom half jersey. Can you see the hockey name by the back? Rocking the double jersey. So this shark dies in captivity, by the way. We can move ahead here a little. Basically, Lou Gosser Jr. is like, hey, let everybody see the shark. and they're like, well, we don't think it's really ready yet. We don't really know what's going on.

I said, let them see the shark. Well, all right, whatever you say, dollar signs. Oh, these hillbillies are, oh, well, look at that sharp. Man, the yokels in this scene. And then this puppet rolls over. It just, it's really like. It's just like, nah, I'm not long for this. It's kind of like swimming and it's like, maybe not.

And just kind of like does this barrel roll. And you're like, you're here. You're right. You're like, that puppet's dying. She jumps in to try to, like, resuscitate this thing. And all these yokels are just like, what's all this about it?

Oh, man, that lady's going to rassel it. Oh, man, I knew I spent $12 for the right reason. Oh, you think she's going to kiss it? This might even be better than the time we went to the gator farms. Oh, man. Oh, no, they ain't got no gator jerky. I can see. I would say this place is low on gator jerky in that case.

Is there a comment card? Hey, Mr. Seaworld, is there a comment card? I need to make a comment about the lack of gator jerky in your gift shop. You know, I'll settle for some shark fin soup because this one's, it's already expired, Mr. Seaworld, so maybe you might want to consider turn the temp up on this pool. Hey, uh, hey, Mr. Seaworld, what are you going to do with that thing? I can find a couple of uses for it. I'd like to hold that shark still so I can get a good tattoo of it.

I want a taxidermy it and put it in the front of my Camaro. So this thing's dead and she's pissed off about it. Well, she's really pissed because she's got this. She's like, oh my God, there's never been a great white in captivity. Holy shit. And the next day your boss is like fucking send it out there. Yeah, totally. Like, you know, Lucas Jr., again, much like John Hammond, you know, does not know much about the science of what's going.

on here. You know, John Hammond's is like, more raptors, more raptors. It's all like these all these hillbillies yelling in its ears like Dumbo. All these braying jackasses. Oh, no, that was Pinocchio. That's a different Disney movie. Oh, we should also mention, by the way,

they find that beefcake his, his like torso, basically. Yeah, his, his mustachioed corpse. And so what they decide is, you know, much much like the first jaws, you know, this is not the shark you're looking for you know it's like oh well this bite radius indicates that uh you know

it's a much bigger shark and it's a weird thing where she's like the bite radius is probably about like 36 inches or something like that and moldoon she says it's a yard and then muldoon's just like well cronky that's got to be about a 35 foot shark and you're like what kind of math are you doing there maldune every australian knows how to do that just you you yell out what how big a shark's about this will tell you how long that shark is. That's a God-given gift. It is. So it turns out that this was like the baby shark and there's a bigger shark, the mother sharks.

Right, right. And the baby shark was played by Willem Defoe and he yelled out, avenge me. Did somebody kill my baby? Hey, is there any brodies down here on the southern seaboard? What luck? Two of them. So there's a really fucked up, like, You know, we're going to check out this.

You know, you kids want to see a dead body scene. Where, like, Dennis Quaid's got to go, you know, identify the body. And he opens it up. And this guy's got fucking bugs crawling out of his mouth. I mean, this dude is long dead. This might have been nice in 3D. And Quaid is puking his guts out. He's flat out puking his guts out.

And then the mom from my so-called life comes in, you know, and she's like, listen, if it's a shark attack, I've seen it before. And I'm like, all right. So if this dude was like butcher. with a chainsaw, then you'd have a problem with it. But no, no, no. Grusome shark attack? I've seen it all before. She's here, the same reaction. It's a

really great, like, she flips the cover open, and this dude is still dead. And he's got, like, little sea creatures in his teeth. Oh, yeah. There's, like, a crab, like, biting on his fucking cheek. It's ridiculous. Yeah, he's, like, missing, he's missing a lot of stuff, too. So, you know, and here's the

thing. So we have, we know there's another shark around here what is going on? And they sort of deduce like, all right, well listen, this shark was found in the lagoon. There's a really good shot. This big shark is in the lagoon because they

determined somehow that the guy was killed in the lagoon. And he left the gate open. And that's why you always close the gate. Exactly. So, you know, it's the whole thing where they're trying to explain to Lou Gossett Jr. what's going on. He's having a big fancy dinner with Fitzroyce and his lover.

And, you know, they run in the restaurant. They're like, Lou Gossett Jr., there's another shark. And he's like, all right, everybody, just settle down, take a seat. It's my five-star dining establishment under the sea here at Sea World. Like, it's like the rainbow room. It's beautiful. He's got a bar that you can see all the critters of the ocean. But the problem is you've got to eat dinner in this bar.

You've got to get all dressed up. And then you've got to walk through sea. World and I was like, oh, where are you going Senior Prong? And they throw chubb. Hey, Nelson B. Rockefeller. Got a quarter. I didn't know I was going to see a robber

Baron on my vacation. Now, these are the employees. It just makes no sense, though. It's like, I mean, I haven't been to Disney World and ages and ages. I don't recall like super fine dining. I mean, maybe there is. And I guess

That Treasure Island's got it, I believe. Arr, can I take your order at these five-star restaurants? Oh, you want to go to Seaworld, then where you've got to take a turn left at Davy Jones's footlocker. But even still, like, I think there's a real drop-off in degrees of amusement park importance between Disney World, which is totally okay to have fine dining in, and then SeaWorld, where you're just going to work. watch a dolphin jump through a hoop I'm not going there for a fucking $80 steak. You think you're going down to Louis Gossett Jr.'s

fancy SeaWorld dinner and he's just bringing out fish sticks. It's probably fish sticks. It's the same food you can get at the snack bars. It's like bad chicken fingers and fries that aren't so great. It's like chewy calamari. It's like not good. I would

not eat. Like if I go to a sea world or an aquarium that has a restaurant. I'm not eating seafood at it because at what point are you sitting there eating your food and you're like, was this an exhibit yesterday? Like,

what is going on with this? Hey, can I pick out what I want to eat? Hey, kill that one. I'd like a Cindy sandwich, please. With mayonnaise. My wife here will have a sandy burger. Oh,

mercy. Then, by the way, when they're trying to talk to Lou Gaza Jr. into what's going on, and he's like, well, y'all are full of shit. Sit down and have a nice expensive meal. The shark, like, swims right up to the restaurant. Like, boy, I'm starving. And this whole... Look at that buffet! This place freaks the fuck out. Wouldn't you?

Oh, no, I absolutely would. But I also wouldn't be at a restaurant under the sea. That's the equivalent of, like, eating a nice, like, outdoor meal and a bull comes charge it out and I'm like, fuck! so they all flip out and then so this is this is the scene I remembered from my childhood I'd seen this movie

when I was maybe like 10 years old or something and there's the scene where all the people are taking the tour through the tunnel all the yokels that don't have enough money

to eat in this fucking fancy Trump Tower restaurant under the sea you know the shark comes up and is like say I'm starving and goes and like

fucks with this tube and cracks it all this water's coming in and there's these these fail safes that are activated and this is sort of like where we get the big dilemma of the movie is the shark is here it cracks the tube

these fail-safe doors shut down so that the whole thing doesn't collapse and there's a bunch of people trapped like in this one room with like water up to their waist and the whole mission from this point on is dennis quaid has to make a bunch of repairs to this infrastructure but they have to lure the shark away from the people so that they can make these repairs and let the people out that's you know this is how we're we're getting into our third act kind of a thing and somehow lea thompson gets her bit by the shark like they just write her and the brother right out of this one right out of the movie well they actually have someone they they they amazing scenes they go back on this date and the brother's all you know apprehensive about

the water and they go anywhere else this guy's got fucking trauma and she makes him go into this like bumper raft thing yeah like bumper boats so they're going out there on having their little date he's hating every second of it and then there's this big fat guy who's in like the tiniest beigeest clothes possible with like a trucker hat

auto he looks disgusting and then he just rams them and he's just like he's laughing out and like take that lover birds and then they restabilize himself or something and then like he does it again and that's when she falls they both

fall into the water he's just like I'm gonna get you again you might die that's why I'm not walking into SeaWorld dressed to the nines to celebrate my

three year anniversary why would you unless you met it fucking SeaWorld for them this is like a third date anniversary and it's just and they just

have this kind of tangential relationship where she keeps trying to get this fucker in the water and he's like shake it up so what happens

is you know after this like nailing of the the shark fucks up the tunnel it kind of just has a little bit of a rampage sequence and just starts freaking out and swimming all over this lagoon and so we have like the water skiing going on

and there's a lot of tense scenes of like the shark coming up and Dennis Quaid is frantically running around this park he's doing a get out of the water yeah it's I mean that's the parallels between the first I mean you know it's just everywhere but so like yeah they're doing to get the you know Muldoon's helping

out his gay lovers helping out you know They're all trying to get these people out of the water. There's a really great thing where Dennis Quaid like tackles this dude and steals his bullhorn. He's not happy about it. He's like, hey, hey, give it back. And they're all screaming for everybody to get out of the water. And shockingly, like, all these water skiers are just going down. And they're all getting out just in the nick of time.

Leah Thompson gets, like, hit, like, on the arm or the leg or some shit. And she's got, like, a wound. But she's not dead. The shark kind of, like, picks her up and drops her. I was like, oh, wow, she's going down. This is awesome. Hey, thanks for warming her up for me. I'll take it from here, Big Fly.

So, oh, no, it's a, it's a shock. A shock already. Oh, boy, I really could use Dorothy's way to get home. Oh, I'm so scared of shocks. So she's injured, you know, and the brother is just like, you know, I'm fine, Dennis Quaid. I'm going to go with her to the hospital and right out of the movie they drive. You don't hear about them? No.

Did she lose the leg? Did she not lose the leg? They drove to movie city limits. And once you get past movie city limits, that's what. We haven't talked about this in a while since what? Like the haunting. They went to the same hospital that Todd went to. Oh, Todd.

Yeah. That looks like a shark bite, Todd. You get there, and it's like one of those horror movies where you just kind of forget how long you're somewhere, and you're like, oh my god what didn't that shark bite happened seven years ago like no we just went in yesterday and then sean's like i gotta go there's another movie happening we've been here for four years you've already left sean and you don't look like you anymore you've been recast back in the real world real r e e l i would love a creepy we hate movies hospital A Stephen King

Rose Red or whatever All our No is Kingdom Hospital The remake of the Lars von Trill Trir Kingdom show Which is the most terrifying Fucking television show ever produced But ours would be spelled

Kingdom D-U-M-B All right So the plan is an action We gotta fix this pipe And we got to lure the shark away There's an amazing scene Where Dennis Quaid's in like The Ironwork

and all these people are like welding shit trying to get like these you know pipe fittings fixed and whatnot and it's a really hilarious scene because there's such obvious product placement like the the mom from my so-called life comes in and she's like listen we got to have a talk and he's like not now I'm really busy trying to fix this pipe and there's just like a bunch of cans there and he might as well be like right after I have this refreshing ice cold coke because there's like four Coca-Cola cans in the middle of this workshop on display and they have they have this talk which by the way the whole thing is he has been

asked to go to venezuela for this job for like a year and a half and she's going to go to some institute or some shit so they're like weighing their relationships options but apparently he throws us away to go to jamaica or something wherever wherever they are in the caribbean yeah fourth movie again though that fourth movie just pretends like this doesn't happen because in that movie he's got a kid and the wife is a completely different person I made sure to double check the name she's she's an artist and it's not the same character but yeah like the funny thing is she winds up being like okay this time I'll go with you but and he's like and next time I'll go with you no he's not like you go to Venezuela for a year and a half and then it's just like oh I got

an extension or oh man they want me in Peru but she's like what about it be going back to SeaWorld yeah we'll have time for that later yeah we might go back to Sea World Yeah, but like he's on offer to do like real marine biology, not like your showbiz circus marine biology. Yeah, he's going to go do some serious work. And then as we learn in that next movie, he's studying fucking conch shells or whatever's going on him and Mario Van Peebles. And he hasn't seen a shark since the first movie somehow. That's weird. Weird.

How do you just do that, by the way? When you're writing that movie. Repressed memories? Oh, I was just going to say, just drop an entire fucking movie. movie right out of the franchise like how do you you're going to drop a movie if there's one to drop Josh three it's not a bad place to start so you know they's Fitzroyce is going to be the action hero now him and his him his boyfriend are like all right look we're going to go there you know like and fits this is what Fitzroyce's boyfriend really gets really really sweet he's like you know

like you don't have to go in or like you know we don't need two kids like basically they're both a camera crew and he's got a camera hell was like the camera hell is just going to you know impair you we don't need two cameras he's like no this is my big break I could, you know, think of all the things I could buy you, like that kind of a damn. It's like, really tender seed. He's like, now listen, this is how we're going to retire together. We'll make so much money from this shark video. By the way, what are you talking about?

Like, who's buying this movie, this, like, documentary? How much money are you making off of, like, National Shark Video? National Geographic. How much could they possibly pay? I think they're going to sell it to faces of death. That's what it winds up. I want both cameras. We need the coverage. Come on, Jack. This isn't a picnic.

This film is a bloody retirement annuity. I'll feel better if you did just the one thing. What's the matter? Getting cold feet. It winds up on fugly.com or whatever that website was. Oh, yeah. All that fucking heinous shit gets posted. That's some dark corners of the internet, by the way. Yeah, no thank you, rotten.

Rotten, that's what it was. Let's not plug them. No, no, no, no, no. So he rubs himself all in fucking pig's blood and jumps in the water. And he's like, hey, shark's like waving his ass at it. Like, this is pretty delicious, huh? And he's like swimming around. He gets him to the, the whole thing is to get him through the gate.

You know what I mean? So they can latch it so jaws can't get through again. It's not locking them in the ocean, though. It's getting him stuck back in this pipe. Yes. That they can lock this thing over so the shark will be just stuck in this tube with nowhere to go. And so they get him in there And fucking Fitzroyce is just swallowed whole by this beast

It's ridiculous I mean it's really stupid And there's a lot Have another shrimp on the bobby And there's like inside the shark cam Like he's trying to swim back out And he's like pulling on the shark's tongue To like get himself out

God lay off Wow they never said this would go down easy And he just swallows this dude Like a fucking, you know Aspirin It'd be great if he was shaped like Fitzroyce afterwards Like a droopy dog cartoon He eats a sandwich hole

And it's like sideways inside of him Exactly So this other dude like comes up like Ah job well done And then he turns around and he's like Oh hey when's Fitzroyce coming up And this dude This like SeaWorld hand

Is just standing there And he's like Well you're the only one on the ladder no one else is up here and this dude has this like emotional fucking breakdown where he's like crying and i don't know if it was like i was watching this on hbo go and i don't know if it was just the quality of their transfer or whatever but i could not for the life of me understand what this guy's saying because it's like it's like you know oh fitz roy's da rara ra ra i was like this guy's so upset he's not even speaking english you would think the movie was about them the length this scene goes they're two side characters the fucking shitty Rosencrantz and Gildenstern of this movie To be fair

Fitzroyce was a beautiful rich man That's true Now he's single That sucks So thanks in part to Fitzroyce's sacrifice The day is saved because Dennis Quaid's Like welding this thing

The shark breaks out of it But it's like just enough time for him to finish what he's doing it's also lug gosset junior's fault too because he's like the guy's like oh you know we need two engines to keep this gate locked or something like there's oh yeah you're right and like you know lu gosson jr's looking at the electric bill and he's like eh one gate will do fine he's like if you if you if you're working both things over time they could overheat and then this whole system's going to burn out and it's going to cost me millions of dollars so he's like just shut it off and like hope the shark doesn't know how to swim backwards

We spun him around a couple times How's he gonna find it? He's all dizzy, don't worry about it. So Dennis Quaid like fixes this thing But the shark breaks out and it's coming back And again, these dolphins swim up And they're like, Pst, hey guys, the shark's coming back.

And like Dennis Quaid and the mom For my so-called life We're just like, oh, hey, that shark's back. Like she literally taps Dennis Quaid on the shoulder And he's like welding the thing. He's like, huh? Oh, the shark, all right. And they, like, swim in this emergency hatch and, like, save themselves, basically.

Sandy puts it, like, a rainbow bandana on, like, Gremlins, too. She unfolds a paper clip and puts a rubber band on it. Oh, my God, I'm turning into a shark spider. Wow. Who saw this coming? Oh, my God, I got electric powers now. You're all going to fry. I'm singing like Tony Randall.

I don't know how I'm underwater and smoking a... cigar. But I am in 3D coming at you. Oh, bad, I haven't come yet. I've been watching this movie for an hour and a half. Fucking false advertising. Fucking coming at you, piece of shit.

Wanted to be teased this about I go to a fucking Disney movie. I'm going to my high school reunion. So they save all these people from the tube. Yeah, they just kind of walk away. Yeah, they're like, hooray. There's, I was really hoping for this one moment that I thought was going to happen

because like when they initially get locked in there and all these people are rightfully so flipping out, this one old man like kind of grabs his chest and I was like, oh no, this old bastard this is how he's going to meet his end. He's probably a World War II veteran. It's actually 83. He might be a WW1

veteran. This guy's just going to fucking meet his end in a goddamn tepid pool of seaworld tourist water. The last words I hear on this earth, better not be, hey mister, you don't look so good oh i'd be pissed i'd be flying into the afterlife like are you fucking kidding me so they save all these people but the shark is not done with them yet well you killed my baby i just want

revenge this is how all mothers sound so you know they're trying to swim back in again they're doing the whole like the dolphins pulling us faster than we can swim and the shark's like not this time fool me once and it is some of the worst fucking special effects you'll ever see in your life. The shark tries to swim into the control center where Lou Gossa

Jr. is there's a big bay window because that's nice and safe. I'll have to hack the Skipson. You didn't say the magic word. God damn it, Dodson. We got Dotson here. So it's a really ridiculous like Lou Gossett Jr. is looking at the

shark and the shark's looking at Lou Gossett Jr. Like, you are my son's cap tour. And it charges this window, breaks it through. Luke Gossett Jr.'s nephew, who's like a nothing character in this movie, he refers to him once as his nephew, just this dude

working in the control room. I miss that for sure. Like, because he's the guy who's saying like, hey, Lugasa Jr., don't turn this shit off. You got to leave it on or the shark's going to get out. And he's like, quiet down, nephew. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, all right, you're just fucking nepotism all over this place. this guy

eaten horribly it's the most visible eating in the movie because he's like stuck you can kind of hear him screaming underwater which is stupid delicious

but this guy is just like no crunch and he's just dead you see his like Timberland work boots just like floating for a second so he's got Fitzroy

and Fitzroyce in there right the whole thing the whole thing at what point do you throw up as a shark. Like, what is too much? I don't, I mean, I think it's Do they throw up or do they, do they

excrete from their bottoms? Well, I mean, eventually there's got to be some waste. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, like, if, you know, you eat too much, you're just fucking, oh, God, that was too much. Oh, right, right, right. I don't know. I mean, it's kind of like dogs don't know how to stop eating. Yeah, but then they throw up and then they eat that too.

I just can't control myself. It's like Ricky Lake and Ben and Jerry. I eat because I'm sad And I'm sad because I eat Oh God Help me Oprah It's a vicious cycle of life So I mean

They're all Lou Gossett Jr. somehow swims to safety There's a woman who's in there too And he like saves her life Fuck that nephew So it's just Dennis Quaid And his girlfriend in this control tower Everybody else is in the fucking

Kingdom Hearts Hospital or whatever the fuck They all leave this movie and are never seen it again and like It's kind of like It reminds you like the last The last boss in a video game Because like it's just taken up one third of the room And like there's ways to get around

And he keeps showing you the way to kill him Because he opens his mouth And he's got this grenade sticking out It is ridiculous So earlier in the film Fitzroyce When they're first trying to bait the baby shark He's like You know all right

flashlight check scuba tank check grenade check and dennis quaint he's like what the fuck did you just say grenades and lu gosser junior's like no grenades play this one fair fair fight with this shark so fitzroyce of course this time you know didn't tell anyone but he's got a grenade and it is fitzrois who has tried his best to climb out of this shark body and it's just this arm and fitzreis holding this grenade and Dennis Quaid's got this pole like a piece of pipe or something and he's trying to wedge it into the pin to pull it off

that's why I had to kill y'all I noticed Fitz Royce was violating the Geneva Convention he should have played it fair and you know much like that first movie we pull the pin and the fucking thing blows up and the shark's dead unlike the first movie gets ready

for some fucking shit-ass 83 computer graphics It's the money for nothing video. It's so bad. The shark's jaw is just like floating around. It's like there's like some spine. Like honestly, you want that to be cool. Where's Fitzroyce's beautiful face flying at me?

Yeah. You don't have any of that shit. You're going to this Jaws movie. I want body parts flying everywhere. You get one arm in 3D earlier in the film. Because first it sprays blood, like real blood and water, fake blood and water, obviously. And then it turns into computer blood really quickly, and it's so obvious to shift.

It turns from like, you know, like an actual, like practical effects, like food coloring, yeah, whatever it is. And then it turns into like an 8-bit video game. It does. Wait, what on earth is going on here? Oh, by the way, I forgot. We're talking about like the amounts of gore and stuff in this movie. The way they found that mustachioed loser from the beginning of the movie is all the people are like in the, in the sea. world tunnels like oh man this is great look at all these fish there's some like little sharks like

not dangerous sharks like hanging out and whatnot and this dude appears in frame like out of nowhere like hi everybody and they all flip the fuck out that's a nice little scare moment too yeah but again you're just stealing the fucking head falling out in the boat in front of richard dryfuss like this movie is more a carbon copy of the first movie than any of the other two sequels are well at least it doesn't feature footage of the other i mean that's the end of the movie blah blah and you know yeah well my favorite part of the movie has yet to happen oh yeah i mean this is great so end credits so they swim up and they're like yay the day is saved and like the one you know cindy swims up or sandy swims up whichever fucking one of his swims up and the mom from

my so-called life is really stoked about it and she's like oh my god you're alive thank god blah blah and you've seen earlier in this whole sequence the shark kind of goes after one of the dolphins and you're like oh man it got one of the dolphins bummer so this woman's really upset and she's like tapping the top of the water like come on where are you sandy where are you dennis quade's yelling but he really doesn't care if they find it oh no sandy yeah remember when i blew up that shark that was fucking awesome and uh so then out of nowhere the shark jumps up and they're like or the the the dolphin

jumps up shark's dead dolphin jumps up and they're like oh yay the day is saved and they're like cheering in the water and this superimposed totally fake dolphin jumps up next to Dennis Quaid and it's a freeze frame. Oh, it's great. Why on earth would you freeze frame a terrible looking effect so as to highlight how terrible it looks? And by the way, dolphins, we all know, have flippers and this dolphin's giving a big old thumbs up. Tuesdays on ABC, Cindy and Sandy.

date, dude, right after perfect stranger. And then following at 10 p.m. Kingdom Hearts House. No, but it's not just Dennis Quaid. Both Dolphins jump up at the same time. They frame it, basically.

Do they? I only notice the one on the left-hand song. I think there was. It's on either side. It's like a bad postcard. Jesus Christ. All we got from SeaWorld is this lousy postcard. It's like you're photoshopping your dead friends and your pictures. Well, that's what a

Looks like they're, the dolphins are alive. The dolphins are clearly alive. You know all those people that Photoshop their dead friends into their Facebook photos? Oh, all the time. It's an epidemic. The funny thing is you mentioned the credits. There's an interesting thing about these credits where they're haunted. They are faster than usual.

It's almost as if they were like so embarrassed by this movie. They're like, quick, just flick all the fucking names up before anybody can read who anybody is. I guess they anticipated being on local television. Just like, oh, it'll make it easier for them. So when they speed it up on the local syndication, it'll really go by fast. Oh, you did it. The others, Mike. Calvin made it.

Lisa. Mike. Mike. The dolphins. Cindy. Cindy. My girl. Cindy.

Cindy. Cindy. Thank you. Oh, good girl. You know, I know the first movie ends with... It's just. just Scheider and Dreyfus and they're talking about what day it is and it's one of the greatest like brief conversations in film history so you're not really going to try to repeat it but if

that's the case then go back on land have have Lou Gosser Jr. get his you know like there's that there isn't that John Hammond moment of like God I fucked up like the entire time yeah he is just this money hungry moron even down to like when they're trying to keep this thing in captivity He doesn't shut down those motors. He should be at his nephew's funeral, just going through his wallet, counting the bills. How much is this funeral going to cost me?

But still, he got a good profit. There's no such thing as bad publicity. Yeah, no, I guess that's true. That's another weird thing. I mean, yeah, the movie's over with, but there's a weird, like, there is a gang of paparazzo, like following Luke Gosser Jr. around.

Like, in anticipation, of this park opening up this extension like who cares where are these people coming from is it that slow of a news day i mean it's seaworld town and that's the news and the funny thing is when when these people get trapped in seaworld by the way they own seaworld in case you're wondering when you go under into leucas jr's super experimental sea lab and the fucking thing goes down and you have a heart attack you own lugas and junior sea world oh yeah by the way this is something we didn't really mention but like once you go into this exhibit that is part of the sea lab where you get to see all the crazy water creatures around you.

He actually, Louis Gossi Jr. had installed these like tentacles and things that come, like an eels that come out of the wall. Yeah. I thought you were talking about the sunken treasure ship. But like there's layers here. And what I love about that,

you got all these school girls going down there to check it out because like parks just opened. And it's like these tentacles are like grabbing at them. I was like, what is this a fucking Japanese cartoon porno? some real seedy anime tentacle porn shit yeah you're totally right and it's weird too there's a dude who's clearly operating this like there's a camera somewhere and you can see people walking by because like they scream and you know the friends laugh at this one girl and then you just hear this

too like oh oh thanks for coming to sea world you're just like what what are we going for here Lou Goss a junior. Nope. Oh, man. And that's the end of Jaws 3D. Now, here's the question. Is this movie better or worse than Jaws the Revenge? Better. Yeah, I would say it's probably better. I don't know if it's I don't know if it's more fun to watch. I don't know.

I think it's better too, but so more fun to watch leads us into, of course, would anybody recommend this movie? I will Just because I just have this I got a soft spot for the early 80s No matter what Like the hairdoes

Calling people turkey You know If you call somebody calls somebody else A turkey in a movie I'm totally recommending it No matter what That's a blanket new rule I just made up

Jesus those are some low standards Lowestead I just enjoy watching those people Walk around like their people But it's also Yeah Yeah, I know, I wouldn't. And what I was saying about, like, the fourth movie, I think Michael Cain's a trade-up from Dennis Quaid.

Yes. It still is, actually. Yeah. Yeah. And I wouldn't, I don't know, it just didn't do it for me all the way. I mean, the 3D effects are lame. Yeah. There is, like, what characters do we have to really care about?

What development is there? Oh, the brother's got this date. he might go to Venezuela undetermined like I don't it gave me very little to care about well it's interesting I mean I would recommend this movie but it's funny because you'd think

like as far as the storytelling goes they spend so much time building up like Sean the younger brother is scared of the water like the whole thing should be he has to face his fear and get in the water and fucking do something about this shark but then it's like the character goes into the next

movie and fucking gets instantly murdered in the five minutes like it's just a real wasted character you spend so much time with him at the front end of this movie only to have him just go with lea thompson to the fucking movie hospital and that's the end of it i mean i the funny thing is though i had more fun watching this movie than i did watching jaws the revenge i as well yeah i don't know why i mean i think it's probably because one you know i'm a sucker for lu goss a junior you put lu goss a junior in your movie i'm having a good time, except for that third left behind movie where he's the president. They can fucking keep that.

I'll say that Jaws the Revenge gets a bigger up from me because this movie does not feature Michael Cain seducing widows. That's it, really. That's the reason why it gets the upper hand. And it doesn't have any magic in this movie, any shark, paranormal shark magic. Oh, and that's it. That's Jaws 3D. If you want to get a hold of us, you can check out the,

website WHMpodcast.com. There's more info about the show, including a list of past episodes and all that good stuff. Check out the Facebook page. We're also on Twitter at WHM podcast, right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. If you subscribe to the show and iTunes, please rate and review. It helps increase the profile of the show there. I want to stress that. Please rate and review if you check out this show, because it will really help the show if you do rate and review. Totally. We're also on Stitcher Radio. You can download the Stitcher app and stream the most recent five episodes of the program on the go. Eric's show, Blame It on Outerspace.

The first Wednesday of every month, a new conspiracy theory is brought down in the comedic fashion. Blame it on Outerspace.com at BlameSpacepad on Twitter. They're also on Facebook and iTunes and Stitcher's where you can get the show as well. Our good buddy, Chris Cabin's movie reviews over at the house next door on slant.com. Go there and read his filmic musings. And that's about it. We roll on with more blockbusters next. Next week, so tune back in.

Until then, I'm Andrew Juppin. Steven's hit. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.