We Hate Movies - S3 Ep117: S.W.A.T.

Episode Date: July 2, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang rolls with Sammy L. Jackson in the dullest adaptation of a 70's t.v. show ever, S.W.A.T.! Does this movie take place within the world of the original show or not? What is the end game for taking someone up on a $100,000,000 jailbreak reward? Is Colin Farrell a convincing weapons inventor? Plus: Eric gives an old man a piece of his mind. S.W.A.T. stars Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, Michelle Rodriguez, LL Cool J, Jeremy Renner and Olivier Martinez; directed by Clark Johnson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin, Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. Happy start of July. Happy America's birthday in a couple days from now. This is kind of an American movie, 2003's SWAT.

I wonder, like, who's going to be more surprised? The people in 2003 that they made a movie out of SWAT, that TV show that nobody watched, or the people in 2013 who are like, why did you do an episode about this? Wait, what, what? That movie. Oh, yeah, that movie. Like, oh, yeah, that TV show. Oh, yeah. That's one of those really annoying things.

And this movie, there's a couple of them out there And maybe some will pop into our heads While we're talking about this But the idea of like, here's this TV show No one gave a shit about it. It didn't even have like more than one or two seasons And now like it's back And I remember when this movie came out

People had to be sucking the dick Of that TV show like this classic show From the 70s bringing it back It's like no one cares about that show Not every show from the 70s is classic just because it's old it's just like oh well that's that's a cool idea because they're like you know like we do all these movies with cops but this is cops with special weapons and tactics do you think it like 20 25 when like the Mike and Molly movie comes out with the kid from

modern family people are going to be at wax nostalgic about Mike and Molly probably the movie people are telling me now how genius that show is and I'm like yeah are you saying that the kid from modern family. Oh, he's going to grow right into a fat guy. Oh, wait. I was like, are you talking about the heavy kid or the thinner kid that's going to grow up and to be a fat? He's going to get a gender reassignment surgery and gain a lot of weight.

And then... Oh, he's playing Molly? No, he's not. He is not. But both the kids from that show could, right? Like, you get both of the boys? Like, you get Mani to play Mike and you get the other one to become transgender and play Molly?

That would be a bull. I hope. Nope, 2025 is as progressive as that. We're just like, let's go see the new Mike and Molly movie with the transgendered Molly, everybody. I mean, you know, De Niro gained a bunch of weight for like raging bull and shit. That's true. A Mike and Molly will be a big movie. Maybe the Wachowski's will get into acting.

And Lana Wachowski as Molly? Yeah. I'd buy it. We'd buy that shit. I'd buy a ticket to it. So SWAT, 2003. all your favorite stars from the early altar here we got Colin Farrell

that dude Olivier Martinez Wait what Olivia Martinez you may remember him as the dude who fucks Diane Lane's brains out in unfaithful And then Richard Gear kills him with a snow globe Remember everybody? Nope Yep exactly

And then you know Sam Jackson kind of the glue holding the shit together This was kind of like the breaking point of the Sam Jackson I feel like this is when everyone was just like, come on already. She was in everything by now, you know, became huge in 94 with Pulp Fiction and like, she just won't stop making movies. Now, I don't remember right off the bat, I'll check real quick, because I feel this was one of those because it's like, God, just more Sam Jackson, but that fucking snakes on a plane. That's really what I feel put me over the top with Sam Jackson.

At least 2007 or 2008. wasn't really that later on it was definitely later but you know this this song uh excuse me this movie even has an end credit song that's all about samuel jackson it's just called samuel jackson snakes on the plane on a plane 2006 so yeah i feel like that for me was the big like jesus christ it was way past it's did you see this did you see swat and theaters i saw swat in theaters twice whoa i saw it once and i was like this sam jackson thing's over over you were throwing salt on the wound at that point oh man so yeah it's we start off with you know you got to know what a swat team is apparently so there's a there's just a random scene where the swat team's doing shit it's a bank robbery scene and we're introduced to colin feral and a then not too famous jeremy renner i think this was probably one of his bigger movies he'd had that um domer movie in like 2000 or like 99 maybe where he's playing jefford Dommer and a weird indie biopic.

Well, and he was also in, what was that? National Arampoon's Senior Skip Day or Senior Trish. All right, even better. I think the two that you just guessed on may also be National Lampoon movies. They definitely are. The National Lampoon Senior Hospice. That's when they get Granny laid. Yeah.

She takes a whole bunch of X as she's dying. Dude, we're going to get your grandma so late. she's going to totally forget your grandpa's dead someone in the national ampute company just wrote that down i'm like do it just do it just do it wait a year till everyone forgets and then do it faked granny so there's this bank robbery and the two of them are on the swat team with uh josh charles he's like the most boring actor i've ever seen like he's not a he might be a fine like erin sorkin talkie talk actor like but yes i think he is a good talking talk actor. But like as far as somebody...

As far as his silent work is concerned. It's just terrible. No, I mean, somebody that you want to see do things and be invested in. Right. And not just be a mouthpiece for a Coke head. You know, I just, I got no time for it. Fair enough.

So he's part of this SWAT team and then, you know, a bunch of other dead meats that don't actually become dead meat because this movie's got zero fucking stakes or balls to it whatsoever. Just a bunch of slubs. And you know, it's the beginning it's your first big action scene let's start with an action scene right oh my god it's a bank robbery and actually what they did was there was that crazy uh like i think it was a bank robbery

where like people had automatic rifles and shit and like everyone went nuts in los angeles yeah it's based off of a real incident and i think they they either they either played the 911 call the beginning of the movie or they they re uh what do you call it they they re uh they just re-recorded it with different actors there you go uh no i think it was not a talky talk actor that's certainly not that cokehead would not hire you for jack shit uh no but uh yeah it's it is the nine one one call so you know it's it's kind of a point break moment and like you know that these these guys are out for blood and they're like we're to kill this bitch they keep saying we're gonna kill this bitch so they take this woman hostage and like you know uh the sergeant in the bat

outside is like all right everybody hold we gotta see what's going on because it's a swat team and tactics are really fucking important that's the whole point of a swat team and jeremy And it's like, uh-uh, I'm going in. Well, because they're heroes. They're goddamn red-blooded American hero cops. And, you know, Colin Farrell's like, it's probably a bad idea because he's terrible at covering up his Irish accent in everything ever. Wait, he's Irish? Yeah, shock of the century.

And, yeah, so they bust in through the back of this bank or through the ceiling or whatever and whatever. Jeremy Renner accidentally shoots this woman It almost looks like that he's shooting her on purpose Because it's like There's no like if I shoot her in the shoulder I can get you know we can take these people out Because I guess he watched speed It was very much speed

I thought he did do it on purpose until he kept saying he did it on accident I feel like that's just as a police officer After the fact you would Oh whoa accidents happen oh it's an accident No yeah I feel He was probably like Like, listen, it'll just be a flesh wound. We'll get this over with.

And honestly, I mean, is it that big of a deal? She lived? I think so. Okay. You know, probably, if anything, you know, this chief, this, like, pencil neck chief isn't upset with them because, you know, she got shot more so like, oh, now all these lawsuits are coming in, all this paperwork I have to deal with now. And they disobeyed a direct order not to go in. Which is, again, important. biggest part you're if you're the swat team it's a team it's all about the guy on the ground is

calling the shots and you kind of move them around like their call of duty pieces yeah exactly like you have to function as a well-oiled machine or else this whole thing's going down you're gonna queer the whole deal you can just said like five rednecks in with fucking machine guns and let's see what happens this isn't bad boys too this is a real swat team you speak about that chief so you know obviously that's the end of our first action scene like collar further oh no what you're doing And, like, they go, they get hauled in front of the chief, who I'm affectionately calling Ben, Ben Fat Fleck. Well, that's pretty spot on. He's just like a fat Ben Affleck.

He's just a pudgy Ben Affleck. He's just a pudgy Ben Affleck. He's a pudgy guy, and I say that as a fat guy. So, but he's, he's like a, he's a real, and he's got all of the things I dislike about Ben Affleck, the fact that he can't act so well. His scream is terrible. He's got a stone face. Except he's not so good looking. Yeah, he's not as handsome as Ben Affleck.

I feel like this guy might be a stand-up comedian because I looked at him and I was like, I think this guy might be a stand-up comedian I've seen maybe on some special. Or did you just look at him and be like, yeah, he should work that out on stage. He should figure out those problems in front of a brick wall with a microphone. Yeah, I don't know. He might be a stand-up comedian. I haven't looked into the actor. But he is, so there he is, and he's screaming.

You know, he's doing the old, you know, I'm the chief. Like, the way this movie begins, by the way, it's like, I'm the chief. I'm the chief, and I'm going to yell at you for something. The beginning of this movie, might as well be like, you've seen an action movie, right? All right, here's what. Because you don't know who the characters are, you know, who, you know, but you know, this chief's got to yell at them. And they're going to be like, I was just doing my job, and I'm a renegade. I don't know about this.

I'm the good guy. Right, totally. So because of all this, they get, they're sentenced to work in, like, the gun locker, the equipment. locker or whatever and Jeremy Renner's not having it. He tries to get to fight with the fat chief and he gets kicked off the force and Colin Farrell agrees to go work in the cage.

Right. Jeremy Renner would rather like quit in a huff. Yeah. And he's pissed off at Colin Farrell for not doing the same. Yeah, he's like, fuck you for not ruining your life also. Yeah. I hate that shit in movies. When someone's like, you're not going to stand by me for this, no, I'm not going to throw my career away. You made

a fucking mistake. You shot this woman. Exactly. We're lucky, you know, that we don't have charges, you know, we're not getting suspended. We're just getting a different assignment, which sucks, but, you know, it's a movie, man. Don't worry. The second act's are coming. Yeah, he should have been like, listen, man, you know, we're going to work in this cage for six months, and then who knows what could happen.

Sam Jackson could get reassigned to our SWAT team to train a whole new group of SWAT people, which totally happens. Look, look, man, you've seen action movies, right? This is the beginning. We're just dealing with the part where we get disgraced, but then eventually we're going to redeem ourselves. Don't walk out that door. you might become the villain So six months later

Colin Farrell's working in this cage His girlfriend leaves him And he's got nothing but his dog And a nice beach to run on In a gorgeous fucking house So yeah he's doing okay He's like training his ass off And then he vomits all over the place

They make a very pointed bow Where he's like Oh god Because it's he's staying that much in shape Yeah It was a rough Rough night last night I thought he was a secret alcoholic

He's just running home from the night before. I've got to go home and get to bed. That wasn't his dog. That was just a dog chasing. That's what I thought it was at first because you don't see him initially running with the dog. And then there's this dog running after him. And I was like, oh, fuck, that German Shepherd's going to kill him. Did he kidnap that dog?

This would be a better movie if he fought a dog on a beach. I'd love it. That's the last climactic fight. I mean, and actually, it's more engaging than him fighting Jeremy Renner would be him fighting a dog. Yes. so sam jackson plays hondo uh which is a character repurposed from the first the tv series which used to it was a white feller that played him on that show uh that's correct and which doesn't make any sense because later on in this movie when we meet l l cool jay uh there's he's playing the son of a different uh of of he's playing the son of an original swat show character and that original actor plays the father so it's like how How the fuck is this one character repurposed from the show? But it's clearly based in the world of the show.

I'll do you two better. One is they watch, what's his face, not Josh Charles, the other other guy, is watching SWAT in the movie. That's right. So, yeah. So this is not just a, this is a world where in the TV show, SWAT exists. In additionally, hey guys, isn't it weird that we all have the same names? TV shows? I mean, Jim Street, Honda, all these people are from the, they're like,

Does that what inspired them to become a SWAT team? I don't know what's going. Are you looking at this? Like, man, that show from 30 years ago is based on my life. Time paradox. And they're doing the theme song and the diner. They're like, bitt-da-da-da-da. Oh, yeah, they're singing the theme song.

And also because this is an updated movie of a television show, the opening sequence is the theme song, but it's like rap rock. Yeah, it's new metalized to make it cool as shit. It just, you can't have it every single way. You know, do it, do a nice little nod to the old show, but don't say that the TV show, you can't have the character watching the show that his fucking movie is based on. It's very stupid. It's like fucking Christian Bale watching 60s Batman. Like, hey, that's fucking funny.

Hey, you want to invest in the rest of this movie? I don't. Oh, my God. You know, Terminator Salvation would have been better if it was Christian Bail watching Terminator 2. It's just like Mystery Science Theater. You see the outline of his head. Yeah. Oh, I'd love that.

And then, like, an actual, like, Terminator comes in and sits down next to him, thus filling the MST3K robot quota. A hilarious Terminator that's programmed with sarcasm. So, Sam Jackson comes in, and he's been reassigned by the dude from the wire whose name I don't remember. But he's, like, he's not the captain of the police squad. he's the captain of the squad squad division or whatever yeah and he's just like you know hey come in we need to revamp the swat team because we can't have a jeremy renner like accident again i guess so it's it's your old like we're just going to round up a bunch of people that's like a half an hour of this movie is them just rounding up some folks drive it around and round them up hey we're it's it's annoying you know my favorite part of this rounding up the new recruits seeing who's good for the swat team my favorite part is Samuel Jackson and Colin Farrell go, because

Colin Farrell at this point is now like just Honda's chauffeur. Yeah, pretty much. Just driving around Samuel Jackson. And they find a guy who seems great. He seems great on the books, but he won't eat a hot dog because he's vegan or something.

Yeah, he's vegetarian, pussy. And that's exactly what happens because Samuel Jackson says he can't trust a man who won't eat an American hot dog. and this actor is Reed Diamond who's done like Doll House and he's in the new We didn't much ado

about nothing Yeah, but it's like And I think Sam Jackson's got some line Like can't trust a man who won't eat a hot dog I'm like really? This guy could be like the best cop Addition to your SWAT team It's also like

It's also annoying because he's like Would you break the rules to get a suspect He's like no I'm a police officer You wouldn't break the rules I can't I'm a police officer I do what I'm told And I uphold the laws that I was sworn protect he's like fuck you you like okay like he's got something about how he's he's like you know

you've got uh so many arrests but you never had to draw your firearm or shoot your firearm or whatever why is that he's like because i'm nice to people and he's like nice to people get the fuck out of here he's actually good at his job he's like i'm actually i handle conflict resolution pretty well yeah no no no no for this swat team we need people that are constantly fucking up who six deaths on your watch come on join my swat team join my SWAT team LL CoolJ and it's a whole like he's chasing somebody down

so he displays like good skill in the street and catching a perp and whatever because that's what SWAT teams always do running two miles SWAT team you're supposed to scurry they're marksmen they're like kind of like Navy SEALs a bit

they're tough dudes but they're very organized and don't just you don't want fucking renegades on your team and here's my point about the running thing is you drive them to a house or something to storm. You don't like drive them two miles away from the house and say, get there. Yeah, it's all like sneaking in, sneaking in back doors or busting down doors. I'm not saying they're not supposed to be physically fit, but saying L.L. Cool J is just made for this because he runs down some perp.

No, no, no, no, no. You're right. It's wrong. It's very wrong. So then we go to the hospital to meet Michelle Rodriguez. Was this kind of the beginning of her? No, she was already in Fast and Furious. Yeah, the first Fast and Furious was 2001, so she kind of made a splash with that. She's a bit of a name at this point. Oh, I can't stand her.

She's, she could do one thing, and you're either on board or not. Yeah, you know, she's terrific at that pissy face. She's got a grade A pissy face. Yeah, she's always just upset with somebody all fucking times. She's also reportedly kind of sort of has a drinking problem, and there's a great scene, not a seed, but the 20. You know, you sit down before a movie and you watch the 20. Is it still called the 20?

Probably not. I think it's the regal first look. I'm 40 years old. So, I mean, these things, they pass me by. I'm watching the 20. I'm watching the newsreel of our boys over at sea. And this one's about the Woody Woodpecker.

They're preview in Resident Evil, Who Gives a Fuck? And she goes up to, like, they're interviewing Milojov. It's like, ah, to be in all the reasons and evils. And fucking, Michelle Rodriguez comes out of nowhere. Smash-ass wasted. It's like, this girl over here is the best. She's like on every one of these movies.

And she kicks ass. And it's like, oh, man, you are drunk. Yeah, she was reportedly fired from lost for getting a DUI. They killed her character off after she was arrested for drinking and driving. Everyone on that island had a freaking DUI on that show. I feel it's a thing where it's like you've got to move to Hawaii to film on location. Your Ryan Hyde's the biggest fucking show in the world. Dude, I would be the Pope of Chilatown on those islands.

Just havoc. Well, I think we just found out what's inside of JJ Abrams mystery box. Whiskey. Whiskey is instead of car keys. So Sam Jackson is looking for this, you know, this cop named, Chris Sanchez, and he's flabbergasted that this could be referring to a lady. Yeah. They go up to this, like, gangbangers, he's all beat up.

He's like, oh, man, I just got my ass kicked by this person. Chris Sanchez, like, why aren't you using the pronoun? No, it's this person. You got to go to the other room to see what this person is. Only proper nouns. Only proper nouns. This Chris Sanchez officer, man, oh, man. Like, they go, there's a dude there.

He or she is tough. There's a dude cop, and the dudes. The other guys all, like, beat up and whatnot. And, like, Sam Jackson's like, good job, Chris Sanchez. And he's like, oh, I'm not Chris Sanchez. Chris Sanchez is in there. Pull back the curtain. Michelle Rodriguez getting all stitched up and whatnot.

It's a whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, yeah, they're just drop at this possibility. They're just outright confused. So much so when, when Simmel Jackson has all these dossiers assembled of this is going to be the new SWAT team, brings it to the pencil. Chief or the Ben Fat Flack. And he hands it to them. He goes to him. He's like, all right, I'll give you these guys.

And he's like, but not Jim Street because he's on my shit. Listen, Chris Changes, that's a woman. He just says, that's a period. One problem here on this. Looks like you've accidentally selected a woman. I have to go back and correct that.

I guess I can't fault you for having an African American because you are one. So, I mean, if you weren't here, who was at all boys club like it should be, I should be able to say that, but there's a woman. I'll tell you what. Drop the African-Americans, I'll give you the woman. One or the other.

Is there like some type of evening out he's going to do? Can't have it in my squad. Can we talk about this? So Jim Streets work in the fucking cage, and, like, you know, he's really good at his job. He's kind of like a, he's really good his job. And his partner there, the guys watching the cage with. He's a great-A schlub. He's a great-a-slub, and he's, like, married to a Mormon.

and, like, he's drinking Dr. Pepper, by the way. Which is a sin for the Mormon church. Yeah, he says, like, I married a Mormon. I'm married into the church. So I got to abide by these things. We don't do caffeine. We don't smoke. We don't do anything that, like, is bad for our bodies and whatnot.

And I'm sitting there like, oh, that seems like some pretty strict rules. I'm pretty sure I've seen a Mormon-eated cheeseburger in my day. I think there's some that are more devout than others. But that's something out west you run afoul of. You don't get them out east. you know we don't have mormons here i just don't get like there's like six superfluous lines in this movie total and three of them are about mormons it's like who had it what an axe to grind everybody there's a lot of axes to grind in this mormons frogs oh i mean french you wouldn't know

it by the way they're treated in this movie though that's an interesting thing so olivier olivier martinez that is his name right yes yes i mean it sounds not french i mean yeah it's funny because there's, there's so many French actions to grind, I feel, because you got Olivia Martinez, who's the filthy villain of this movie. And this movie comes out in 2003, right, you know, we were ramping up to the

start of the Iraq War when this movie was being made. France refused to help out. So, of course, that's when we had a lot of lame fucking jokes about freedom fries and all this fucking bullshit. Before this movie, at the food court, you had your freedom fries and your quarter pounder with cheese, and then

you saw SWAT. Happy 4th of July. You're like, man, I can't wait for 10 years from now. We're going to make fun of this shit. So while all this is going on, then we're just, we're introduced to a whole mess of training montages because who fucking cares. At some point, Colin Farrell's like the last to be added to the team because he beats Josh Charles in a swat off.

They're like running the swat course and gambling on it. And then Sam Jackson's like, I bet you $100. Colin Farrell will beat you, Josh Charles. so it's like one of those things and of course Colin Farrell fucking smokes him Samuel Jackson's madly in love with Colin Farrell in this movie

he believes in him all the way like from the beginning he's like I know you know I saw you from across the room and I knew you had something in you he's like I'll bet a hundred bucks this guy's gonna be this fucking this lackey

behind the gun cage this talkety talk over here Josh Charles is a talky talk actor just flip flat flap at his gubs I don't like him So naturally he loses to Colin Farrell Who's much stronger and bigger

And you know Faster and more accurate at shooting things And was higher ranked at this movie You know He's the star of the fucking movie Of course he's gonna lose So that's why he gets asked to be on board So training montages

Cut between that And Olivia Martinez Landing in America To For the sole purpose of killing his uncle to take over some family business. It's an interesting callback to the golden days of 1980s action movies with the vague drug trade. Yes.

This is like he's a vague international terrorist team. Or like mafia. Yeah, I guess it's kind of the mafia too. I don't know. It's 498 days after 9-11 and somehow he gets on a plane with a knife. Yeah, I love this. And he takes it through, like, it's there at security, the TSA agent. He's talking to him about it.

Yeah. And he's just like, I'm going to charm my way through this. I'm tourist here. I'm allowed to have knife. I didn't know. How could I know about the knife? And then they're just like, all right. Well, when you go back home, make sure you mail it to yourself.

So you're not going to get back on an American plane with that knife in your hand. You get out one of your snooty, fruity, French planes to come here with it. You best fucking mail that back, Federal Express. But I understand you're right. even though it's not as an American to bear weaponry inside these United States. I appreciate your spunk trying to snuggle a weapon into my house. Here's a knife, you rascal. Get out there on the streets and have some fun.

And it's a symbolic weapon because it was his father's who's just been murdered or some fucking shit. He murdered his father with it also. He's like, oh, I killed my father. Oh, he killed his father? Yeah, because he's like, I'm the head of the family now, Uncle. He's like, no, your father is like, I killed him. He's like, wait, what? Oh, yeah.

And it's, uh, the fat guy from Borat, who's penis, I know what it looks like. Yeah, Borat's fat friend gets sliced by this guy. Just cut right up. And this is a ridiculous thing, too, because it's like, they're in a public restaurant. Like, when Olivia Martinez gets to this restaurant, it's a very hustle bustle. It's very successful Los Angeles restaurant. And they're having a big loud. We're rich.

So we're just going to be obnoxious and smoke inside and order. thousand dollar bottles of champagne kind of dinner but there's clearly people all over the place and then i guess because they've been there so long catching up and telling stories from the old country the restaurants cleared out a little bit but there's no indication that like this dude owns this restaurant or anything like that so presumably someone is still there working at this place and he fucking slits this dude's throat puts his face down at a bowl of soup or whatever and walks out and nobody says a goddamn thing. Oh, the boss is

taking a soup nap again. He loves just, he loves napping in his soup. I mean, it's supposedly, like, and you think this is the beginning of like, oh, he's, now he's in charge. Look out, here comes this big French mafia, got to give our SWAT team some trouble. Right. And he gets pulled over

for having a taillight out. Like, and it's like, you got to, sorry, man, you got to go in, you don't have a license or registration, you're French? And I mean, this is, 2003, you're French? And this is so stupid because like there's characters in the movie like these random government so and so's because he's, you know, he's on some high priority shit list with, you know, international agencies or whatever. And they're like, wow, isn't that hilarious? We've been looking for this guy for years brought down by a taillight.

And I'm like, yeah, maybe in your world this is like a real ironic thing. But as us watching the movie, it's like, well, that's just some fucking dull screenwriting. Well, actually, when I was watching this movie, I think I think the cop says, It says it was the taillight, but I think he was really pulled over for playing Lincoln Park way too loudly. I have my passport, if you were. Let me see it? Whose car is this? It belongs to my uncle.

Why? I left taillight out. Yeah, why is he listening to that band? I mean, I guess, but it was the time, man. The time of the season, right? You just couldn't escape it, 2003. New Metal was just still pumping blood through its black heart. That is probably as far as any genre of music has aged, that has aged the worst, hasn't it?

It truly has. You look at those bands and you're like, God, really? People liked this, huh? It wasn't even that long ago. No, I mean, like, hair metal, you know, there's an ironic fun to it. And some of those songs kick ass, you know, depending on. And, you know, obviously, like, 60s for hippie music, you know what I mean? Like, it's not all the best, but some of it's, you know, a lot of it's good.

At least it's symbolic of the time and the politics. People just whining about God knows what, rap it and rocking and all at the same time. Guys with short hair doing this. I don't know. Large jeans. I mean, solid-colored T-shirts. It was just like all these bands really doing their darndest to make sure that nobody forgot about Limp Biscuit. I really think that that's, they were like, guys, we got to form these bands.

Come on, we need, we need your Lincoln Parks and your alien ant farms. We need, we need to band together so people don't forget about West Craven. West Craven presents. Fred Durst and Wes, uh, what was, West Borland, West Borland, thank you. Oh, man, talk about being on the wrong side of history. Man, I got a, I got a, uh, a Fred Durst story. tell this story. You did. Yeah, you did. All right. Good. I don't have to now. Go listen to Dracula 2000 for that story. I know exactly what it was now. So he gets pulled over and he's in jail and they're bringing

him through like a processing whatever happens when you get arrested. And he's going by all these cameras and shit because he's this world-renowned like international playboy or whatever. Which is, you know, oh, how did you ever get on a plane? I mean, I guess he could have fake credentials. Yeah, he's got like fake passports and whatnot. Fake passport. Fake passport. Fake credentials, a knife. He got right on that plane. And he says into the news camera, I will give $100 million to anyone who breaks me out of here. Yeah.

God. God, what a stupid thing. He's got a good light reading for that. I just want to hear it real quick. I will give $100 million to whoever gets me out of here. There it is. That was that trailer all over. Oh, yeah.

Because that is essentially the start of the movie. It's the plot of the movie fucking like 45 minutes in this movie finally gets going. Because so much of this, because, I mean, to be quite, again, like, I've been saying this before, but SWAT teams are kind of essentially boring. Like, yeah. As far as movies go, like, you have your SWAT teams, but it's always the hot shit detective that's talking to him. And, like, he's the one that you want to watch. Exactly. Like, they don't have cases that they break or anything like that.

Like, there's an event where a SWAT team's needed. They go to it and they fucking take care of business. I mean, they totally rock and are awesome at what they do. Oh, absolutely. motherfuckers on these teams and whatnot, but it's not like, oh man, this SWAT team has been chasing this gang for years. Exactly.

But this SWAT team actually shows that they are terrible, because there's one case prior to this where they're taking down a, like, a Polish hostage taker or something, like this. They call them Polish because he's stupid. That's like, I think that's the tinge they're trying to bring across here.

Right, yeah. Which is offensive to me. Written by shit my dad says, I guess. and it's basically this crazy guy blabbing on about robot aliens and like shooting a shotgun off in a house sending the SWAT team this guy's a menaced in neighborhood he's Polish so instead of the SWAT team

actually just taking this guy out like they would no no no no Jim Street Colin Farrell has a great idea let's blow up half the building basically let's shove this giant spear I guess yeah it's like grappling hook Yeah, it's like this giant hook thing

that just brings down half this house. Guys, great job. It's called the key to the city, and Colin Farrell's character invented it. And by the way, biggest laugh all around on this fucking show. Colin Farrell sitting in front of something tinkering with it till it's just right.

Colin Farrell weapons expert in this movie. He says, like, I've been spending all this time in this cage. I might as well develop a weapon. and uh hello cool jay has that line like right after it's used successfully and they take out this guy he's like oh you should put that up on

eBay oh eBay that's popular right now that hot that hot website that's been around for eight years we should split that money that's going to make a lot on eBay that's one of those things that annoy me when like someone will say someone oh go get in on that it's like no

he's just going to do it because he invented it and he's going to reap all the rewards What the fuck did you do? You suggested to him You sell something on eBay. That does not guarantee you profits of any kind. He sets it up in the beginning of the movie. He's like, oh, I invented this great weapon,

but no one, he's kind of like the boot black waiting for, like, to slay the dragon. He's like, oh, no one's ever going to let me do. You use my swat powers ever again. And then the, so the chivalrous night played by Samuel Jackson rides into town to slay the French dragon. And he goes, come on, boot black, let's go together. And you think at the end of the movie, because he used it here, like, oh, it works.

So the end of the movie should be him using this thing and, like, maybe, I don't know. Right. You should probably, if you're introducing it and setting it up on a routine type of thing, you would think it would come up in some capacity later on. Well, that's, you know, you see how this thing works, right? And what this movie does essentially is it bust its fucking cherry way too early on this, you know. But if you already show how it works and you see the damage that it can do, The end of this movie should be this thing somehow flies through Olivia Martinez's gut, opens up and fucking pulls him in half. That's the end of your SWAT movie.

And, I mean, it would totally be rated R at that point, which this movie is not. So I understand why they didn't do that. But how great would that be? That would be amazing. Instant four-star movie. That's all you need. I mean, but also this movie has no idea of professional motion. Like, their SWAT team.

What's this case? Let's do that case. Want to get a drink? Sounds like a good idea. Like, that's what they do. Oh, yeah. The scenes of them drinking and stuff and like Colin Farrell is going out with Michelle Rodriguez and runs a file of Gamble, which is Jeremy Renner's character's name because he took a gamble shooting that woman. Oh, hey, I like that.

He really rolled the dice with his career there and that woman's life. And Colin Farrell's character's name is street because his face is made of asphalt and can't move. That scene where they're at the bar is great because they all go out for drinks to celebrate passing the SWAT test. There's like a course they have to do and they ace it. So they're going out for drinks and whatnot that everybody's like, oh, I got to go home to the misses. I got to see my kids. Got to go to bed, blah, blah, blah. And Michelle Rodriguez is bitching about like it was the first time she was able to get a babysitter in months.

And she wants to stay out more. So her and Colin Farrell go to this other like cop bar watering hole pool. Hall place. Jeremy Renner stops his buddy from getting in a fight with Colin Farrell. His goon. Jeremy Renner, for some reason, we don't know what he's been up to. We're like, oh, it's been 50 minutes since he, like, put off

the force for 50 minutes. It's been 50 minutes since we saw him push Colin Farrell's head up against a mirror and have that mirror's shatter. And Colin Farrell, totally not phased by it. That's how fucking hard core he is. And it's an asphalt face.

And now he's just drinking booze and he's got this goon who was like, like seven feet tall, gigantic, and he's taken orders from Jeremy Renner for some reason. And, you know, Jeremy Renner prevents this dude from coming at Colin Farrell and, you know, they're walking out and he's like, oh, that guy got lucky or something like that. And Jeremy Renner is like, no, you're the one that got lucky. Lucky I stopped him or whatever. That's Jim Street. He invents weapons. Weapon expert. He's like Iron Man. That's Jim Street. creator of the key to the city

you may have heard about it he puts the SW and SWAT I was more of the A guy for and quick round the horn what do we all think of Jeremy and Renner I think he's pretty good I like him in stuff

he's useless in that Avengers picture though good gravy the thing is he's not like what do you call I didn't see born legacy I didn't see born like that's a it's a solid movie actually. He's pretty good in that. I like 28 weeks later, he was in that, correct?

He was, yeah. Yes, yeah. He was one of like the Army guys. He plays like Army guys. Oh, the Heart Locker was great. Anything yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything you can wear a mock turtle neck in? He's pretty good. Yeah. Like, I just, I find him like he's not a very dynamic actor. I think that's why he's not so good in that Avengers movie. Right. It's just not like...

Well, also, that movie had no idea what to fucking do with that character. Did they even need that character in that movie? No. You know, like... Oh, no. I'm shooting arrows. I'm just hanging out shooting arrows. I haven't seen that Hansel and Gretel, Gretel Witch Hunter's movie, by the way. Yeah, that's probably his shining role. I also thought he's pretty useless in that Mission Impossible movie that was pretty good.

He's useless because, like, you just saw him replace Borns. Yeah, like, okay, but, like, he's obviously not going to replace Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt. So he's kind of just like this second tier, like, B, Ethan Hunt character. Yeah, because they're essentially the same person. Exactly. You have Simon Pegg giving you the yucks. You know, you don't need him. for the yucks

and Jeremy Renner giving you the mucks he's in assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert 40 does a big role in that movie

I like that movie I love that movie saw I'm first in Lords of Dogtown you better remember that one I do but I didn't see it

saw that shit in theaters so like he's he's on the wrong side of the tracks that's the only thing we get we don't find out that

he's like really doing illegal shit he's just like at a bar drinking with this dude that's kind of tough

yeah hanging out with a looking fella there, you know. And that's it. Like, you should see, like, them rob a convenience store because he's going to turn into your big villain. Spoiler alert. Like, it could either go one of two ways. He becomes the big villain, or somehow he swoops it at the end

and saves the day. Exactly. So, also, there's a great thing where Olivia Martinez doesn't understand how laws work, which is great. And this isn't like a, he doesn't know America thing. He clearly doesn't know how laws work. He's kind of stupid. Yeah, he doesn't understand, like, it means to be arrested like this this woman who i don't know she must be like a public defender obviously

it's not a really ironed out character she's trying to just get him situated and he's like you know i'll give you a you know a million dollars to get me out of here and she's like no that's impossible you're in jail now and he's like money can buy anything and she's like this isn't a movie you're in jail now little does she know but this is this is a movie based on a television show what are you talking about i saw this show i know what happens but that's illustration it's how dumb his idea is of of asking people like bust me out of here and I'll give you a hundred million dollars what's the end game in that like oh I might I might easily die doing this like like all these things could go wrong I could be caught I would go to jail for the rest of my

life yeah there's an off chance that maybe I'll defeat the entire LAPD and then also the military or whatever get this guy to Mexico and then to another country to avoid extradition and then it might might not be double-crossed by him in the French mafia. By this huge murderer. Because that's the thing.

If you break him out, you have to go with him wherever he's going. And you know what? You're not coming back. You're not. You're just not. You're going to be killed.

It's such a stupid thing. It's kind of like a shitty drug deal where you've got to hang out with somebody for too long. Like, uh, can I get that $100 million? Oh, man. You know what?

Just stay around and smoke a joint with me for a second. No, that's cool, man. I got to make a movie. I just got to do this pick up. No, no, no. Come on, man. Just come on inside. Don't worry about those people in my bedroom, man.

They're just trying out some new mushroom candies I made. Just come here and sit down, man. You want to play some cards? Can I get that $100 million, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. You'll get that $100 million. I'm just going to roll this big joint for a second. Hang on, man.

Just hang on. You see that new Mario game? Yeah, I did see the new. I just kind of want my $100 million. Because I got it, man. You want to play it right now? I got new controllers. I know you got new controllers.

prize this shit's wireless now i know and a hundred million dollars can buy a lot of that so i could buy so many wireless controllers so many wireless game cube controllers so they're going to do a transport to a jail and this is when literally every criminal in los angeles has had a big like meeting probably organized by the joker where like all the all the crime families get together beforehand they're like all right we're going to take them down get them out we're We're going to split this $100 million against the five families or whatever the fuck. It kind of did remind me of the Joker a little bit because, like, the dark night has that whole sequence where you got to kill this guy or he's going to blow up the hospital. And it's like everyone's gunning to do it.

And that works because money's not the motivator because the citizens of Gotham aren't stupid. There's a little more respect for intelligence in that film, I think. It'd be also if this was a secret Batman movie. Like you didn't know. It's just swat. You're in an unnamed city. Everything happens. Like, I'll give you $100 million.

dollars anyone lets me out and then all of a sudden like the riddler shows up killer croft bane dude the ventriloquist that's when you could do that that's when you could put that off route is when you're in the bad man universe that's when you can offer a hundred million dollars that's when you can have someone one man go and extradite a gentleman from hongong single-handedly absolutely that's when it's a batman movie point to what you said about secret batman movie that's the greatest fucking thing that could ever happen to motion pictures. You're just watching this dumb ass action movie and then Batman shows up. What a great treat for the audience that would be. And then all of a sudden, it's a Batman movie. And like, the color corrects itself to like a darker

Gotham world. And you're just like, holy fuck, secret Batman movie. I would shit my pants in the theater. If you see any of this augmented reality stuff you could do with your phones now, I think we're going that way. If you get like your 3D glasses, if you're just, just bored by a movie you can hit a button and it's a secret batman movie like any old movie just batman shows up and fucking farts around for you or with google glass do that for regular life just your boss turns into batman i don't even need batman to show up i just want the glasses to tint it to like the nolan gotham world wouldn't that be great thought like oh i'm getting yelled at if i'm going to yell that i might as well be yelled at by batman like tell me where she is

i don't know i can handle getting yelled at by a boss i'd fucking cower me and yelled that by Batman. You make love to your girlfriend. Hey, I'll use these Batman glasses. You know, I always wanted to have sex with Batman. Yeah. So the SWAT team is basically called in to be the escort of this guy during this crazy hoopla that's created.

And I just wanted to quickly mention that I wrote down how long it takes for our heroes to even know the existence of our villain. Right. An hour and six minutes. Yeah, that's a number. nice speedy script right there just breezing right through huh and you would think they would call the FBI like this guy's like America is after this guy at this point you're not going to get just the regular LA SWAT team and again SWAT teams are awesome but like it turns to do a federal

situation at that point you Americans are bogged down in Iraq and Afghanistan that's why I can do whatever I want in LA it's the perfect time to strike the French is finally striking You never paid us back For the Revolutionary War And now we are here to collect What? I think it was a lot of funds I think we paid them back

I don't think so World War I won and two There's a There's a great moment here Back when Olivier Martinez is captured Or maybe the second time he's captured I feel like there's

There's multiple capturings Because during actually yes there is Because the second time he's captured By the SWAT team after like the all-out assault from every criminal in Los Angeles. They get him down on the ground. And a hilarious joke, face plants right on Alex Trebek's star on the Walk of Fame.

Oh, he's in jeopardy now. I feel that's what they were going for. But his name is also Alex. So it's kind of a double double on time. Alex Montel. Montel Williams. Not Montel Jordan. But I mean,

all the rest of the hour we just skipped over. is just, it's just training montages and like gun porn, which this movie's all about it's like, oh, what do you got a tech nine, super tech nine? I got a triple tech nine. And like, 90% of the audience is just like, I don't give a fuck. I got a triple X-9.

Vin Diesel comes out. Here's your guns. It turns into a car. I'm kind of a robot. Goodbye now and he flies away. I've got to go back to my home planet. Another way. For the name like Vin Diesel, you are a robot from

other planet. That's true. You are the iron giant. I run on diesel. Yeah, it could have been like, and Vin Diesel as the voice of himself, and no one would have been any wiser. No one really knew Vin Diesel back then. It would have been fine. Vin Diesel's eaten all sorts of batteries. It gets faded batteries. I'd love that. That's a great way to pay Vin Diesel. Shoot on some nine volts. There's a weird IMDB trivia speaking of Vin Diesel. So, like, because Colin Farrell, wasn't the first choice of this movie because I mean this is Colin Farrell has had a very kind of polarizing career he's never been anyone's favorite

anything you know what I mean everyone tries to sell you on Colin Farrell oh man here he comes well there was they made the whole stink about when that flick the recruit came out with him and Pacino yeah and it was this whole fucking thing about how that movie was like the official changing

of the guard and Colin Farrell was the next big actor taking the throne and then at the same time that movie came out, the king of Hollywood, whoever that guy is, Zeus Hollywood, flushed the toilet. And this career

just went down, man. You can't cross Zeus Hollywood. He can't. He was a name like Zeus Hollywood. He lives in the secret mansion beneath the Hollywood side. You know who's got balls enough to cross Zeus Hollywood? Andrew Dice Clay.

I feel like if they made a fucking sequel where he's got to play the rock and roll detective again, he's going to take I'm fucking Zeus Hollywood, that fucking douchebag. Oh, Ticeman, you don't want to go up to that Mount Hollywood, there's trouble. Mount Hollywood.

Instead of Mount Olympus. But yes, Colin Farrell is very polarized. No, but so Vid Diesel, oh yeah. The trivia is they wanted Paul Walker to do this movie, but he was too busy doing Fast and Furious, too. You mean too fast, too furious?

I apologize. And he also, they also wanted Vin Diesel, but he was busy doing the Chronicles of Riddick? And I'm like, aren't they both in Too Fast, Too Furious? They're not. Too Fast, Too Furious. Oh, that's right. Is Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson.

Oh, that's what. Yeah, because the whole thing is like the end of that first movie, like, Vin Diesel gets away. Like, Paul Walker lets him go. And he's like in hiding or some shit until the fourth movie, or I guess technically the tail end of that third movie, he's got a brief cameo there.

I know too much about these fucking movies. I kind of feel like that Paul Walker's, has a secret career that no one really knows about. Yeah, he's made like a hundred movies at no one's seen. Yeah, but like timeline, uh, running scared. It's like no one, like he's like sort of unknown, but he's still in all these big movies, like the past and the Furious series. Is running scared the film where he gets the black light painted hockey puck shot at his face?

That's the only thing anyone remember that movie. He runs afoul of some child predators. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, I saw that movie. That might be a stay tuned, I feel. I would like to see Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, with the next great Pacino, Colin Farrell. Paul Walker's in there. You got your Josh Charles.

Who else can you get this? I don't know. That's a very talky-talk script, Steve. Yeah, he would knock it right out of the park with his talky-tock mouth. Your Ben Fatlick should be in there. Whoever else you hate. It's a show about hate movies. All of a sudden, we can't hate movies?

It's an ironic title, as people have pointed out. out over the years. The other thing, by the way, is Colin Farrell kind of reinvented himself in a way because all of a sudden people were like, holy shit, this guy's really fucking funny. In that horrible boss's movie, he is hysterical. He's a very good, like, he's a talented comedic actor. I mean, he's a talented actor, period. He just does, he's not an action hero. And like, every time he tries to put those pants on, they don't fit. You know, no, he's not. I turned off that fucking total recall. Yeah. In Bruges is really good. He's good in that. Yeah. And that's a funny movie. And

And it's a talkie-talk movie, funny enough. Speaking of which, Eric, you want to tell your In Bruges story for a second? I really love that. Oh, man, this is a classic Cisketale. All right, listeners at home, get ready for this one. This is one of my most favorite movie-going stories I've ever heard. All right, you're overselling it. But everyone, turn the lights down a little bit.

Just a little bit. So I went to see In Bruges at a theater on the Upper West Side of Manhattan with my girlfriend at the time. and we were in the back of the theater and we were eating popcorn and there was this elderly couple in front of us, you know, like, I don't know, 60, 7. It was pushing 70, I'd say. And we're in the back of the theater eating popcorn and the sound of eating popcorn is bothering this woman to such a degree that she's constantly looking back at us and making a big deal about it. And she's like remarking to her husband like, do you do it all that old lady stuff that's how people on the upper west side of manhattan talk they're all jowas well you saw this decrep rich jowas so she finally starts like really

mouthing off about it and and i i don't know what came over me it just slipped out of me i just said go fuck yourself this is new york city you're allowed to do that yeah it's in the bylaws and then like the old man turns her and then she was like she told me to go fuck myself so the old man gets up and he wants to start a fight with me and he's like he's standing up in this theater his his scarf is like falling off of him he's disheveled the man probably doesn't even know where he is

and he's yelling at me and I tell him to like sit down or he's going to get his hip broken didn't you say try it old man I think I did say try it old men for a while since I told this story. I remember try it, old man. I was such a young buck. So obviously, you know, he whips out. Oh, wow, what a pussy.

They sits back down. And then you listen to the Lincoln Park all the way home. And then I watched the goddamn movie, eating my popcorn. As loud as I fucking want. Martin McDonough's in Bruges. Check it out. That's a great. movie. See, it could

that could have been right in the movie. I mean, this movie, but this movie is a movie you could kind of, if you put it on, that what we just did is kind of what you could do is you could tell old stories about things that don't have anything to do with anything. Yeah, it's a great movie to have on. If friends come in from out of town and they're staying at your house, you want to catch up? Yeah, you haven't seen him in a while?

Put on SWAT. Talk right over the whole fucking thing. But actually, in Bruges later on in the movie, like, Colin Farrell, like, beat someone for, for, like, telling him not to smoke. in a smoking section and I thought it was very apt to what I had just experienced. It's true. Because I was eating popcorn in a movie theater.

And you're an Irish hitman. Hey, hey, hey. That's not on the air. So this prison transport is great because they have like a dummy transport set up when the whole world is striking and whatnot. Yeah, the penguins swoop it down.

Yeah, totally. Two-face comes out and blows up a van. There's like, oh, there's a dummy in the car. And they're taking Olivia Martinez, like, through the sewer system. And this was another instance where I was, like, fantasizing my own movie while this was happening. I didn't have any friends in from out of town, but I was sitting here like, man, what if they just ran a foul of L.A.'s version of the Ninja Turtles. Like, what if the turtles were, like, on vacation? Yeah.

They never had any interesting sewer culture out there, did they? No. Like, just go out there. Or, you know, maybe a chud or something. Just something they run afoul of while they're down there. And they're like, whoa. It feels like that's from a completely different movie, doesn't it? L.A. Chuds, they're just exactly like Chud's just a little skinnier.

Just a little bit in better shape. They got better tans than New York Chudds. They've got designer jeans on. Instead of ragged shreds of clothing. They got Raybans. Man, that'd be a great, like, I don't know, you think about, like, CSI Miami, Chud, L.A. that would be great yeah you could do just that's how you that's how they should have done chud too but the chud i chud l.A.

Randy doob it's kind of a chud. That's horrible. That's where they found of this origin. Is it a sewer pretending to play a piano? I love toxic ways. It's like a fan of the opera thing like maybe there was once a talented musician that was horrifically scarred. By sewer pollution? Hey, guys, what are you doing down here?

Randy Newman. Why my eyes glowing. I can see you in the dark. So, SWAT. Anywho, yeah, and we're kind of doing the Dark Night before the Dark Night happens, which is kind of, you know, to this movie's credit, it does feel very much like the scene in Dark Night

when Nicky Katz driving Jim Gordon around. Yeah, yeah, totally. And there's like an all-out assault on all these. cars and everything like that. But so we get Olivier Martinez like out through the end of this sewer tunnel and oh wow, all is safe. Here's the van. Let's go. Wait,

what's that? Oh, hang on a second. Hold the phone. Well, here's our good friend Jeremy Renner back in the picture. And he's a bad man. So it's like he got the drop on him and then who's that from behind with a gun? Uh-oh.

It's noted motor mouth Josh Charles. He's flipped somehow. So he was doing the talkie talk. Now he's doing the walk he walk. Exactly. Actually, I think he flips on him like in the fucking car or something. They're stopped and he like comes up and like points a gun at him and he shoots one of the dead meats out of the car.

And I mean that this is the problem. Like well, not his dead meat. The guy names boxer, I think he's also like. And also, uh, Josh Charles's character is also based on a SWAT character who nobody could give a shit about it. Nobody gives a flying fuck. Yeah. He said Ninja Turtles, those characters are more well-defined than these SWAT officers. The fake Ninja Turtles that I wish to be in this movie are the actual Ninja Turtles from the other...

No, the real Ninja Turtles that live in New York. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, but I mean, like, they're actually... Because at least, like, he's the party dude. He's the... They're all just, like, tough guys. It's just a bunch of dudes with similar haircuts. And, like, what gun they have is different, and that's the difference.

There is zero personality at all in any of these characters. So, like, oh, my God, Josh Charles betrayed the team. Who gives a shit? Yeah. It's really, it really doesn't matter. It's just, just,

this movie takes no time to develop anyone at all. Not even, no one, not even the villain, no one, nothing. He doesn't even say,

like, I think we're about to say the same thing, but like, you know, there's no, like, my kid needs a heart transplant.

Yeah. I need this money. It's just like, money. Money. That's what everyone in this movie is doing, and that's why I hate it so goddamn much.

It's just money, money, money. There's no reasons for anything. Like, there's one point where he's, Olivia Martinez is trying to, like, tempt him in the car. He's, like, talking shit to, like, Colin Farrell and L.L. Cool, Jay. Like, you know, come on, right now. I'll give you all this money. You just got to take a left instead

of a right, and your life's going to be completely different. And they're like, no, fuck you. Like, we're going to have to go with you to Mexico, and then whenever you go after that, and then you're probably just going to kill us, right? Then Joel Gray comes out and thinks money makes the world go around. Then we're all convinced.

And now everyone has to get this guy out of there. Well, he hired Joel Gray to come in the proven point. He must be pretty serious about this offer. I mean, the guy is throwing some money around. Joel Gray does not come cheap. So now it's just a whole thing where they're on this bridge and like a plane lands on the bridge. And they're going to fly Olivier Martinez, Josh Charles, and Jeremy Renner out of there. But the SWAT team like comes in and intervenes and Sam Jackson like opens.

the car door and Josh Charles is sitting there and he points a gun at him and he's like you just couldn't resist it could you motor mouth and it's one of like Sam Jackson gives him the opportunity to be like what do you want to do and he's like sorry captain and just slowly commit suicide

and it's kind of the only cool part of the movie because Sam Jackson just lets him do it oh he really does he does not you think you shoot him in the arm because you're a craft boxman like you know oh motor mouth wait don't do that you have something to live for Pulling the gun up slowly, he's just like, wait, wait, he's going to stop me, right? Well, I guess I have to kill myself.

Well, I get, you know, my hand's already up. I'm going to kill myself. You better stop me. Anybody? Well, I guess I'm doing this. One. Look at that. Just the motivation of money, money, money, money.

Oh, no, money. Right my head. Like, what baby character is this? Joel Gray makes a frowny face. There's a sad tap dance offstage. Wow, he really shelled out for this suicide. I got Joel Gray to come from four. Wow.

That guy don't come cheap. So he's dead. He is dead. And it doesn't matter. And I mean, like, I think maybe L. Cool J fights What's His Face is henchman. Yeah, the dude who plays Herc on the Wire. It's the second of two Wire characters that are actors who are in this movie. Yeah.

They have a big fight, and I believe, I don't want to get this line wrong. L.O. Cool J says, tell Daddy how you want it. And then fights the shit out of this gentleman. Not to get rid, like, I don't want to miss any terrible dialogue. I wrote down one line here that's, I thought, was pretty suburb during the whole chase sequences of cars. Yeah. Samuel Jackson states, here's where watching the world's greatest police chases pays off. Oh, I wrote that time, too.

I hate that line. Oh, it's the worst. Why? I mean, because you know, I mean, I... Because you're a cop. Yeah, but the line should be like, this is why hours of playing Grand Turismo pays off because I'm a good fucking drivers. I've got good hand-eye coordination. That's not like real driving. You know, it's a better line than that? Even better is...

Well, guess you'll see this on World Wildest Police Chases. Hey. That would even be, yeah, that would be better. I finally made it on my favorite show, World's Wildest Police Chases. Not, here's why watching hours of a television show. I don't make a funny joke and then say like, man, that's what watching hours of Seinfeld paid off for. Finally, I'm saying funny shit. It makes no fucking sense.

You watch the TV show. Congratulations. Man, Samuel Jackson, this might be the least I've ever seen him act. Like, he's just, he is as checked out as it gets. Because that's what happened with these, like, the aughts of Samuel L. Jackson. Like, he's just kind of being Sam Jackson. It only got worse when he's in that snakes on a plane because then it was just like, all right, you're just going to yell about shit.

This was like, this was the precursor to yelling Samuel L. Jackson. That's like, this is like right before self-parody. Yeah, I mean, this is just the cruise control is on big time. I mean, he's okay in those Avengers movies, but that's kind of a cruise control too because he's just being like stoic as anything. The only thing I've seen him really good in in a while was Django. He's great. He's great.

He really goes for it. That movie, I was like, oh, yeah, he's. an amazing actor. Thank you, Quentin Tarantino for reminding me. You do forget because he's and he is an amazing actor. He's just really competent about not doing anything in a movie. You know what's a guilty pleasure, Sam Jackson picture of mine, that Lakeview Terrace film? I haven't seen it. I need to. It's kind of just like Samuel L. Jackson's being a racist for one reason. And what's his face? Patrick Wilson's like sort of like a racist on the other side of the coin there.

and they just kind of meet in the middle of all this awkwardness and it's like a bad neighbor's thing and Sam Jackson's crazy like there's a lot in that movie and I think it's a Neil La Butte movie too which is why it's fucking muddled as shit Patrick Wilson would finish out

my Glenn Gary Glenn Ross adaptation He could be in there I mean he's a great he's a theater actor He'd fit right in with all that chatty chat chat chat chat chat, chat absolutely right So whatever that is keeps changing every time I say it but you get the idea Now we're finally

Stone Face is fighting Stone Face and Colin Farrell's fighting Jeremy Renner on the train tracks or whatever because we're watching Steel again But there's a great moment though Where Colin Farrell's throwing barrels at him Like Donkey Kong Which is so fucking awesome

He's trying to like use his environment And he's like oh barrels take that Mario By the way Colin Farrell This is all this macho bullshit Like their guns are like out But like Colin Farrell still got One in the chamber. And he can totally just like, okay, Jeremy Renner, this is the end of the, end of the movie.

So stop. But no, he knows that there needs to be like this macho, carthartic bullshit. So he throws away his gun just so they can start punching each other. And Jeremy Renner, he gets run over by a screen. That's what he gets. Speaking of Donkey Kong. He certainly does. He doesn't have any fucking quarters left here.

I feel like it's a thing where The way that scene plays out in my head Is he falls on the train tracks And then you're like cutting And it's just this slow moving train And Jeremy Renner like No No

And then like he eventually gets run over But it's a big old fucking splatter death Like that fucking paranoid park But it's weird because It just happened so quickly I had to rewind it Because I didn't know what happened Yeah you're like

Oh wait Well that's the movie. Oh, I blink and you miss it. An airplane lands on the street, too. That's the big thing this movie does. Yeah, the airplanes the airplane's already there when all these this hijacks happens. And then

Olivia Martinez, whatever, whatever happens that fella, he gets shot? I think he just gets caught by Michelle Rodriguez or somebody because they have to give everybody and SWAT something. Oh, that's right. He doesn't get murdered. No, yeah, because that's the whole thing. It's like, oh, you know, right. They're better than it all of a sudden. All of a sudden, we're not down for killing people. I mean, I'll say this about this

movie. At least there's no character in this movie like the Mike Lowry of Bad Boys 2 where you're just murdering people and like being totally cool with it. Again, because I guess it's just a SWAT team and they don't have natural enemies. They just go in when someone's like hauled up somewhere.

Unlike detectives who have many natural enemies in their own habitat. Well, detectives played by Will Smith especially. Or Jim Belushi. You'll get your philanthropist murder guy. Man, Jim Belushi is captain of a swathe. team now that that's a canine sequel you need some ben by the way ben fat flack is in this whole

movie by the way and he's kind of he's always given them shit even though they're doing really good a really good job and he goes you need a better actor in that in that role like somebody with any kind of presence to give like some levity or anything and he's just there like just again like you know what an action movie is right he's the chief he's got to yell out of and then he's got to he's got to eat shit at the end when they're successful because This is something I don't understand. Like, if you are the captain of a police squad or whatever, why would you ever try to set up your officers for failure?

Like, these are people you need on the streets trained and skilled at what they're doing. And this guy's like, I hope you fuck it up. I hope you fuck up the whole thing. And I can kick you off the force, which is a bet that he makes with Samuel L. Jackson at the beginning when he's like, all right, all right, I'll let you have. Have a stone face Colin Farrell and that woman for whatever reason. But if you fail, they're off SWAT and you're off the force. And I was like, do you have the ability to straight up strip this man from being a police officer?

And you're putting lives in jeopardy. Like, all right, I'm going to put these dangerous bad cops on the street. And just so I could have personal satisfaction when they fuck up and people die. And hey, you know, the grub at a police funeral is pretty good. And since it's my department, obviously no harm would fall on me. This won't make me look bad whatsoever with a horrible SWAT team. And if it came, if it blew up in my face, I'd just be like, listen, I told them not to put Jim Street and a woman on that team. I voice my concern.

It's all documented right here. My ignorant-ass paperwork. Well, another thing is this movie is so Josh Charles, you know, betrays the, you know, betrays the whole team and they're like oh man we got to go get our guy back and like the chief again it's like how do we know you're not in on it's like oh shut up chief like no of course like he's totally right like if your partner is is dirty you're off an pending investigation oh yeah iab's just gonna check you out for a year or so make sure there's no you know frivolous purchases and whatnot no pink Cadillacs and mink coats and whatnot so when they're so once they

finally got the evil French what's it they aren't calling a frog threats the entire movie we didn't no no no no no everyone's calling them a fraud it was the height of America's fucking ignorant anti-French bullshit it was so it was it's really jarring and once they

once they have this guy bagged and all that and they're Sam Jackson and Jim Street and some of the you know the happy go lucky gang are driving back to I don't know where they get a call over the radio there's a there's a there's been an incident and that you know someone needs to go out and check it out and Jim street insists that they do it and Sam Jackson's like you know we've been off like the

clock for 12 hours and he's like so and he's like okay all right let's do it what's you're ill prepared unrest Colin Farrell has been like stabbed or shot or some shit because he's definitely bleeding like at the end of the movie's like that fuck it let's go on another call well you're going to ruin it you're going to get people killed yeah I was reading again on is like there's it's regarded as a goof because there's just no way any major metropolitan city that has multiple SWAT teams not just the one for all of Los Angeles they because they have shifts and they're not going to call it's not a job like oh can you come in and close the store it's like you know you they have shifts for a reason and they're not the

ghostbusters they don't come in on the day off that you have you need that rest uh yeah it's like a pitcher trying to go on only three days rest or whatever it's not going to happen like what what did they need them there for was fucking godzilla in town like we need everybody down here there's a crazy monster on the loose uh the great thing by the way the guy who shows up at the end when they're like wow what an adventure uh the guy who's driving the swat band is actor steve forest the star the original fucking jim street and do you think anyone in that theater was like Finally, when was Steve Forrest going to come in? Bravo, SWAT the movie.

And he's just like, where to, boys? And the camera comes up like, wait, wait a minute. Wasn't I watching you on TV earlier? Hey, look, it's the actor from that show from 30 years ago. That's what kills me is the show SWAT exists in this movie. They watched it. LL. Cool, Jay, it's like, wait, didn't you know my dad?

But wait, my dad had your name, Colin Farrell. And oh, what, what? And his head explodes. It's like in the end of time cop When Ron Silver touches himself Everything just fucking turns inside out And turns to shit He's a monster for like a half a second

And then melts But that is one of the most annoying Whenever there's that quote unquote Easter egg in a movie It's never as subtle as they think it is Because I've never seen SWAT in my life But at the end where he's like Where you guys want to go to

I'm like oh was he in the original series I checked my phone Of course he was He must have been because Why else would this old man he'll be working for the SWAT department. 70 years old driving the bus. I stole this SWAT truck.

I'm an out of work, Hollywood actor. I crossed Zeus Hollywood one too many times at a Coke party. Hey, HALL Cool J, stop chewing your popcorn so loud. Why don't you get fucked? And that's SWAT, the Sam Jackson song, starts playing, which is by, uh, I thought I wrote down who's saying it But it's just like

Let's hear a bar Yeah here we go Like Looks like It's hot action Jimmy with Samuel L Jackson Like

Ah Why would I Who sits it down And they're like You know what we're going to do Uh uh Samuel L Jackson Yeah

I'm gonna I'm gonna write a song And I'm gonna try to incorporate Samuel L Jackson's name in there Running with Samuel L Jackson You know I know Godzilla get so much flack

For that P Diddy song With Jimmy P but honestly this is probably one of the worst blockbuster songs it's terrible and honestly the soundtrack i'm guessing is horrendous of course the new metal to to that ending song this movie made some money too it was not unsuccessful that no it was it did okay yeah which is they just couldn't i guess they couldn't figure out how to make a swat too i just don't look but that's the thing it's like america's just like what it was a tv show well did you like the tv show no but i should see it

No, you don't have to. No. When I was watching the credits of this picture, I looked up on Hulu like, I got any of these old SWAT episodes on here I can check out? Yep, they got seven of them. You can go on Hulu and enjoy seven episodes of SWAT. So did you watch one? No, I didn't check it out yet.

And that's SWAT 2003 directed by a fella named Clark Johnson. Would anybody recommend it? no i mean it's just it kind of it takes forever to get to where it's going which isn't very far do you know what i mean it just there's not not a whole lot of plot in this movie the action isn't really compelling no like right when it gets going it's over with you know what i mean like this is a movie that's not terribly long and probably could have benefited from maybe being a little longer or lightning up the load at the front of the picture yep and then having more shit happen you know with this villain a little cat and mouse, you know, at the end.

Or, like, characters that care about each other or I can care about, like some banter. You talk about bad boys, too, like, you know, bad banter. I would appreciate any banter in this. Just a little bit of some talky talk, huh? Not enough. Too much talky talk. I wouldn't, I mean, I wouldn't recommend it either. Any Josh Charles fans out there who aren't related to Josh Charles, write in, call me an asshole, go right ahead.

Good God. I just don't like them. Would you recommend this, Eric? No, I wouldn't. I really had no fun with this movie. I mean, I saw it in the theater, and I was like, Jesus. And then, you know, I saw it for research for this show, and then I saw it again, I saw it three times in my life.

And it's just an exhausting experience. I would never wish this upon, even my worst enemy. I wouldn't even want that elderly couple on the Upper West Side to see it, because it's just not for them, and it's not for anyone. That gentleman told me to go fuck myself and go watch the film SWAT for some I should probably feel bad about doing, about... No, they're long dead. Just couldn't resist, could you?

So what do you want to do? God damn it, Sargent. Yeah, I think seeing it three times is enough for me. That's the old... I'm going to put it in a drawer and fucking forget it exists. Because good, God, man. That's it. That's what.

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Write in, tell Steve that he's an asshole for hating Josh Charles. That's fine. That's totally okay. Not you, J. Charles at gmail.com. I know who you are. Oh, the mailbag again is we all hate movies at gmail. Subscribe to the show and iTunes, rate it and review it there if you could, if that's how you get your podcast fix. If you use Stitcher, we're on there, too. Download the Stitcher radio app. You can stream the most recent five episodes of this and several other programs on the go.

Check out Eric Show Blayman on Outer Space. The first Wednesday of every month, a new conspiracy theory or paranormal tale of some kind is brought down in a terrifying fashion. What do we got coming up for July? Who, the Denver International Airport. So get your lips wet for that. I'm sure it'll be very funny, you know, when the episode comes out, but that's a very... Believe it or not, there are conspiracies about the Denver International Airport. And I was recently there, so it's kind of like a field report. I believe Steve will be joining us on that episode.

Oh, look at that. Now I have to. Blame it on outerspace.com at BlameSpacepad on Twitter, and they are also on Stitcher and iTunes as well. Hashtag SBE3 rolls on next week with another episode. So until then, thanks for listening. I'm Andrew Juppen.

Steven Saita. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.