We Hate Movies - S3 Ep119: Volcano

Episode Date: July 16, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang sits down with WHM Disaster Movie Expert, JJ Case, to discuss the Tommy Lee Jones 'splosion fest, Volcano! How much scrabbled eggs does Tommy Lee Jones need? Why was the Hard Rock Cafe so popular in the 90s? And is there really such thing as a rock star seismologist? Plus: Los Angeles needs a John Carroll Lynch lava statue. Volcano stars Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gaby Hoffman, Don Cheadle and John Carroll Lynch; directed by Mick Jackson.  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

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Sign up for free today. But hurry, Labor Day door buster deals won't last long. Loves, we help, you save. Valid through 9-1, while supplies last, program subject to terms and conditions. Details of Lowe.com slash terms, subject to change. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek, just in case. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in. As always, our summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on once again, and we are joined by our good buddy just in case from the private cabin collective and the blog recap this which we'll get to your your plugs at the end of the program how you doing buddy fantastic hot as hell uh yeah no it is hot as hell one an appropriate day to be talking about a movie like volcano from 1997 and by the way if you saw you know we're doing a natural disaster movie we have to bring in our natural disaster expert here i am the natural disaster the force of nature you're like earthquake from the

WWF. I'm exactly like earthquake from WWF in every way possible. Except you're in much better shape than Earthquake was. I said was, because I'm just assuming he's dead, huh? I think he's laughing up a blue streak just alive and well somewhere. Really? Like eating a gator right now.

He's eating an alligator? He's eating an alligator? Live or cook? No, a live alligator. Tail first. I told you to stay out of my yard. The best part about it is that he's a professional wrestler, so he's devoted his life to putting on shows and getting paid for theatrics.

And he's eating an alligator, but you don't imply that anybody's watching. Oh, no, no, no, no. He's just eating it for sport. Just eating it. Maybe not even for sport. Just maybe to teach him a lesson. I'm going to eat you piece by piece, so you learn your lesson. Stop looking at me cross, Gator.

I'll eat your tail. Volcano, 1997. Like I said, directed by a fellow named Mick Jackson. every time I think it's Big Jagger I want to direct that movie Volcano That's my shitty Mc Jagger Coming back to the program

He tricked the bodyguard I saw Was like the only thing that And he was on Yeah he did direct the bodyguard Some other stuff, nothing crazy He directed the pilot of numbers And I was like oh he produced numbers And I looked at like nope

He just jerked that pilot He's a hired gun Yeah no he's one of those like I'm just gonna do a whole bunch of TV He's got a lot of TV credits under his belt That Mick Jackson Mc Jagger not as many TV credits he's a british man

he's a british man he's a british man he's a british man mc jackson or mc jagger both well obviously mc jagger yeah he's british mc jackson yeah and he's throwing stones the united states at our race problems what oh in the movie yeah it's kind of yeah i mean that's what it is

it's a message this is a secret message movie there's i'm not going to ruin but this has the most cringeworthy one of the last two or three lines of the of the of the film and I'm just you can't get there quite yet but it is it is the LA the post LA riot era written by a 10 year old yep that's as much insight as they have and can I say one thing very quickly because yes it doesn't work out but there's one part where John Corbett says I well he's up and he's got a high rise he's literally up in his tower his tower and I thought that

he said, you know, three million dollars, three years, but the war is over? And I thought I've made a note that I subsequently had to very sadly delete John Corbett riot profiteeer because I spent 20 minutes being like, oh my God, the idea was that, because it's a big high rise in a bad neighborhood. Yeah. And I thought that the idea was John Corbett profiteering from the fallout of the L.A. riots and we're just so excited. I was like running around excited. And I went back to fact check and he says he doesn't say the war is open. He says the doors are open. I was like oh gosh damn it. I got so

disappointed. This movie kind of begins like a one day in L.A. And you see all these people. It's L.A. story. It is L.A. story. And it's which this dude directed. Hey. He knows his people on roller skates. He loves L.A. Oh, my Lord in heaven. But it starts out with all these different little like couplets of people

talking and you're like, oh, we're going to watch all these people go through disaster. But the middle of this movie is just Tom Lee Jones pulling his jeans up. Like the middle like hour and 30 minutes and then the people come back at the end just a little bit. He's pulling his jeans up. He's making sure his flannel shirt stays tucked in.

I mean, this is him. I want to get where exactly this fell in the career because I feel like this is after a big mistake of his. It's probably after U.S. Marshals, which I unfortunately like to a degree. That's like the sequel but not sequel to the fugitive. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, yeah, it is. This is him after playing Two-Face. Oh, yeah. Two years before this movie is Batman forever. So you got that big fucking stinker on you. You just got to do this. And it's an action movie in like the lowest sense of the word. It's kind of a horror movie too because there's just so much grim death going on.

There's so much grim death. For the most part, this is a round number but fairly accurate because I was going to, I was counting and I counted. Every 20 minutes, on average, somebody is boiled. Not burnt. Not killed, not set a flame, but a boil. like a crab. I think that was one of the things that they put on the poster

was now with 40% more human boiling than Dante's Peak. Oh, you think that old lady pushing that boat's bed? Watch fucking John Carol Lynch. That's my favorite movie Death and History quite possibly.

It's top five. John Carroll Lynch, melting in lava. Oh, it's so good. And also for the record, went back, I fact checked everything. He does, it's not a thumb,

but there is a, single finger like Terminator 2. I don't know why somebody didn't use that cut because it's not a thumb, it's almost a thumb but that you can tell

it's a pointer finger and it looks like he's just kind of pointing it's almost like a like a weird number one and like fucking Babe Ruth as he's going down he's got one less

he's got a distinctive finger in there as lava fills his lungs that's top five movie decibel oh yeah easy and we'll get there we'll roll there I love it so much I just want to talk about

I can spend 90 minutes talking about how good that is. Breaking it down every single thing. So, yeah, I mean, it starts out with your typical disaster movie. We're going to have a crawl about, hey, this is Los Angeles. It's a big city. You know what I mean? Like, do we have a population count at the beginning of this movie? No, it's not a population count, but there's something about, like, you know, the city of Los Angeles.

It's on a fault line that no one could care about, you know. That's what they fill you with. and then it's like volcano. By the way, everybody, if you don't remember this movie, this is the movie where the volcano erupts in Los Angeles. That's all it happens in this movie. People dodge it and duck it, left and right. Did you ever do vampire in Brooklyn?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did that. So it's kind of the same, like, just take two completely different. Volcano in Los Angeles? It's just this amount of likelihood is an actual vampire in Brooklyn. I would a Costello meet the volcano? Yeah. just a teradactyl in torrents it's the same fucking likelihood i would love who stars at a

taradactyl in torrents same cast i would bring them i would bring them all back it's the fierce creatures to uh volcanoes a fish called wanda one thing i wanted to say because just j case said next to me is i think this movie's kind of the emotional twin to eat deep impact it is well i don't know though isn't it flip-flop for the volcano pictures? Because Dante's peak. Yeah, it's about the family. It has the family values, but this has like the, we're just all human beings

thing, when you just want to fucking vomit all over the place. Because we're not you would be. I'd say that there is a sense, I do agree that they do have a certain kingship. There is a sense of, in deep impact, it's like we're all humans and so we have to stand together.

And by stand, I mean, just wait for this thing to kill us. And in here, it's like we need to stand together. Believe it or not, a fucking cop and a black guy picks something up together and it's fucking unbelievable. But this one does have just some of the most, like the highest level

of racial tension and outburst. I mean, yeah. It's L.A. divided before that fucking thing erupts. It has no business in this movie. No, no, no. What doesn't either, is Tommy Lee Jones hilariously making eggs at the beginning of this movie? He's, now,

I like scrambled eggs just as much as the next person. It's him and his daughter played by Abby Hoffman. It's Gabby Hoffman. Or Gabby Hoffman. And a dog. It's the three people in the house. He's making eggs for the fucking 101st. There are so many eggs in this tray. And he spills them all over the floor like an idiot.

Is it? Matt, cleaned up and just walks away. Ah, dog. Here. A dog. Clean that up there, dog. Ma. That dog's just going to get diabetes before he said. with that big plate of eggs. Well, Tommy Jones keeps spilling fucking food all over the floor. Also, it's a thing where, of course, he's divorced from his wife. So the daughter's only visiting for the summer.

By the way, Gabby Hoffman is like probably 14 in this movie. She's his granddaughter. Let's stop fucking around. Man, I hate that, huh? Unless we're talking, it's a second marriage situation. He's two and out. He's two and oh and two at this situation or oh and two at that point. I could see that because he's a guy who clearly lives for his job.

He works at some OEM, which is made up. It might be real. I mean, it's the people that figure out if there's like disasters, how to help. Yeah, it's a big, you know, it's a big control room. There's a big impossible screen and everyone's running around with paper when disasters are up. You have one big screen of news and then every computer monitor has the same news story playing on it, but you have the most charming Don Chieel I have ever seen. And this is the same year as Boogie Nights? They were both in the 97, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, thank God that came along, huh? Because he's, I mean, this movie is Don Cheadle just folding his arms the whole time. Folding his arms, maybe a little hand on his cheek, wary about the situation. He's wearing a backwards kangal hat. Well, the whole movie, he has to tell you how cool Tom Lee Jones is. He loves him. He's the flavor flavor this movie.

He's the hype man. He's like, oh, my God, I can't believe that had it. Oh, man, Tom Lee Jones did that too. so great. He's also like really open about like wanting Tommy Lee Jones job though. It's a lot of like, oh yeah, you know, you went on vacation, but I hoped you fucking died wherever you went so I could have your job and I could sit in your chair and blah, blah, blah, blah. Because that's, ha, man, another just like stereotypical garbage piece of this movie. Tommy Lee Jones is on vacation, but it's not a vacation he wants to be on coming into the office. It's like fucking clerks. He was definitely supposed to be off. I'm not even supposed to be here, Volcano. This is ridiculous. Standing on top of it. But, yeah, he's, I mean, like, you know,

there's an acrid dispute between him and the mother, and the mother's, like, you know, you never spend enough time with this kid. This movie loves the, and I can't think of an actual apt pop culture reference, but it's the, somebody else is yelling at me on the other end of the phone, but we never see who it is, and it's, like, two characters exist.

Like peanuts? Yeah, let's just like, Yeah, let's just like, get my fucking, chuck and chuck and peon. You're fucking to talkers. You're going to get a fucking one-e, motherfucker. And then the chiefs said, All right, calm down, calm down. And then the chiefs like,

Rababur-Rabba-Rab-Div-Bah. And he says, oh, no, chief, I get off my hell. No, man. The police chief who is on vacation somewhere. Like, all right, if you're the police chief of Los Angeles, it's 1997, we're still kind of burned by those riots. How about if a volcano erupts in your town, You leave the ski lodge and come home to take care of your business.

Sorry, it works twice because it's the mayor that's on vacation. Oh, is it? But it's even worse because the police chief is just, like, he's just the guy that's always like, God damn it, you motherfucker, you fucking dirt. He's just like, because at the end, when everything ends, it's like, so I heard the mayor just flew in. Like, he finally came back from the brokenos or something.

Also, though, that you just reminded me of another part of the scroll, is they're describing what the organization is that Tommy Lee Jones works for and it states in that that in the event that like the mayor and the police chief or whoever like can't get around in an emergency this dude is like the next in line so like Tommy Lee Jones like that's why everything he says goes in this movie like he's ruling the cops the firefighters because in like the event of a natural disaster like this this dude takes over is what it says so we're actually under martial law for the good part of this film. Yeah, there's a little bit of volcano related martial law. And the whole thing is, yeah, he's on vacation, he's coming in, like, I think there's, the beginning of there's a tremor, which is obviously volcano related,

and nobody knows that yet. So, like, a minor earthquake, and he comes in the office, and, you know, Don Chedel's like, you know, hey, man, you gave me, you gave me the shop for the weekend, why'd you come in on your day off? I wanted to show, you know, I wanted to strut a little bit, and the chief keeps getting mad at him because Tommy Lee Jones

is supposed to have a desk job, which makes sense if you're like a mayor. If you're the next in the line of the mayor, you should be at the desk. Yeah, you're not in the fucking field. And that's all time Lee Jones does. And you're supposed to think that's a good thing. It's not. It's a bad idea.

It is a bad idea. He's in the front lines for most of this movie. Phil Jackson's a great coach. I don't want him taking fucking passes from Shaquille O'Neill. That's not how you win championships. Man, I'd love to see the Zen Master back out on the court, though. I don't care what anybody says. So that first, the first earthquake.

Yes. Leads to, it's just an earthquake. It's like a 4.6 or something. Yeah, nothing crazy. We've all seen it before. And you have Anne Hache and you have a mouse with glasses on. I don't know what that thing is. And so this is what happens.

It's Marcy from Peanuts. I apologize. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on. Her name is like Schuster, Shuster or something. I looked her up, right? So they say, so this girl is stuck, right? And there's a press.

like it's like an event and they say when the ground moves they want to hear from a seismologist not some pencil pusher I don't know what the difference between the seismologist and a pencil pusher the fuck is and the media demands an answer for why a mild earthquake hits

and she's like I don't know what to tell them I don't have any response I don't have an excuse for this earthquake and then Anne Hitch came and it's like don't worry I could just read a briefing and then tell people it was an earthquake But this is what's ridiculous about that is it's this mousy, marsy person arguing with some other nerd. And the two of them are like, well, we don't want to go out and talk to them.

There's cameras and the flash will hurt us. And then Anne Hache comes in as like the rock star seismologist who's done it all before. And she walks in like, hello, boys. And they're like, oh, hey, Amy. Oh, Amy. Guys, it's Amy. And she like whips around in front of the cameras and she's like, click. are we ready and you're like how many fucking times have you have to do this also these people don't know her name she's not there's no media darling seismologist no like not a tremendous amount of them no but they're just like come on they're taking pictures and like trying to get some answers from her was an earthquake what do you want there's not an earthquake isn't a who done it there's nothing to fucking figure out you're not chasing any leads it's like all right this is what happened

Maybe this is how long it lasted. And finally, the big thing everybody wants to know, here's the rating on the Richter scale. See you next time. Well, it's Los Angeles. It's the 90s. They wanted to arrest some black kids. They're like, which black kids are responsible for this earthquake?

They wanted to put somebody in jail. The city really fell on a fault line. They sure did. There's also this portion where we get this first earthquake. There's John Carroll Lynch, who works for the train. Transportation Department, who's gambling on what the Richter scale rating's going to be with all his transit buddies? I mentioned this last week. I don't understand how gambling works.

And this is another thing where they're like, just John Carroll Lynch has just taken a bunch of dollar bills. Like, all right, what was it? What was it? Just like collecting all this money. And again, they're saying shit about like over, under. And he's got a computer simulation where, like, when they register what it is, a little dollar sign comes. Was that designed by someone at the transit authority? But then they give this fat Puerto Rican guy what looks like a trillion dollars.

Because he's like, I won, I won! It's his giant wad of money! If you win that much money on an earthquake bet, it has to be a 10.0. Like, those are the long odds. If the press wants an answer who's responsible, it's probably that fucking fat Puerto Rican guy. He must have set it up. I don't know how. But they're looking for somebody at fault for an earthquake.

It's my only option. This was a small to moderate earthquake. Epicentered in Palmdale, about 30 miles more. Palmdale. Tommy's got it. Bobby's the winner. Also in Tommy Lee Jones Command Center, just a couple bits of before they were famous cast. There's a lot of before they were famous in this movie, but in the command center.

A couple of after they were famous. Yeah, after they were famous for sure. Is both Bunny Carlson from the Wire and the dude who is the dude who is the, doctor on this season of Madman. And he's in Caprica as well. It was killing me who that guy was. He's one of those characters where it's a, he's a character with a name. So Stephen Tobolowski would tell you that that's a good sign as opposed to Bunny Coulson,

who's got like coordinator number two as a credit. However, this dude's only got a last name. So Stephen Tobolowski would tell you that it's good, but not great. Just a last name. This is the doctor from Madman, Dr. R.J. Cuckold. Man, that guy's just, he's going into Don's house Thanking him so much He's like, let me buy your Mets tickets

No, no, no, I'm just having sex with your wife every day Nope, I'm just buying your wife's vagina That's enough for me God, not looking for a friendship or nothing I know you're lonely But that's not my problem All right, all right, man that's two feet shorter than me Go on with your life

Do you think that's why Don's okay hanging out with him Because he's not more handsome than Don is? Absolutely. Well, that's why he's happy hanging out with everybody. That's true. Although, I don't know, it's kind of a battle between him and what's his face there? Harry Hamlin. Harry Hamlin? L.A. Law's Harry Hamlin.

What, really? No, nothing. The dude from the handsome fellow from the firm they bring in. The other John Slatterman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Oh, you know, that's Harry Hamlin. Harry Hamlin, man. I'm way off. I just call him Evil Roger.

I make my own names on Denver. Veronica Mars. Yeah, yeah, he's on Veronica Mars, too. It's nice seeing him on that show because he's not playing a huge scumbag. He wasn't that much of a scumbag on L.A. law, but I seem to remember he had his moments. It's been a while since I've watched any L.A. I'm glad that we got all the way back to L.A. and didn't quite realize. Like, anyway, we were talking about?

Oh, L.A. Yeah, just accidentally slipped right back in. So, Tom Lee Jones is like, oh, man, you know, and I think somebody gets burned down below. A couple of dudes get fried instantly. Six people die, and one person gets two-faced. Oh, yeah, he gets two-half. Yeah, it's pretty great. And they say what happened, and he goes, burned up.

And so Tumble Jones, being two breaths away from the mayorcy, rolls up his fucking sleeves and goes down there. And the chief, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like, forget it, Chief, I'm going down here. And he takes Jackie Appreel from the Sopranos downstairs right before he got cancer. Because I'll tell you where he got it from. Crawling around and all sorts of big city sewers. And yeah, they're going to L.A.

They're going down to the sewer system to see what's going on. And I think they don't see lava, but it gets too hot down there. Yeah, it gets, yeah, because he's going down, which is also great. Because they keep saying, like, oh, it's hot. It's so hot in here. It's so hot in here. And they're in, like, if you were shorts and a t-shirt, it'd be fucking hot anyway. You're in L.A.

Yeah. And they're in a, like, in a steam vent with steam rising in these, giant suits and they're like, ah, it's a little, little too, what, like, they're like, it's a little toasty down here, or like identifying that it should be, it shouldn't be this hot in a steam vet in L.A. In a fucking,

giant suit. In a fucking, they're underneath a park that's right next to the La Brea tarpits. Of course it's going to be a little balmy down there. I don't know what they were expecting or how they could tell that it should only be 110, but their internal bodies

could be like, oh, this is 115. This is dangerous. You're wearing a space suit underneath a fucking hot spring. Like, come on. They should have short-sleeved space suits for that occasion. When you're in L.A., you know, just have a little Hawaiian shirt. Yeah, you know, that's how they'd like it, man. Just casual as shit out there.

Can't even dress up for sewer exploration. So this is when Anne Hache comes into contact with Tommy Lee Jones. And, yeah, that's just fucking fireworks from the start, huh? By the way. sorry no one in this movie took fourth grade earth science because timely jones needs to be explained what magma is magma oh yeah lava lava what volcano what magma it's lava what is lava he acts like lava is like it's like especially for the time there was this feeling and this is what i thought when she's like it's magma and he's like lava what's that i don't ever heard of it's like how

like he would also react to hearing what a cappuccino was yes like it's like cappuccino I like my coffee what are you talking about that small how much does it cost magma lava someone only said cappuccino to him because they had just learned what it was from watching Frasier

that's that's where we were as a culture in America at that point like I learned what like lattes and cappuccinos were from Frasier they were drinking them all the time we didn't have that yet doesn't Doesn't Friends is right around that?

Friends was having it too at this point? I learned it from So I Married an Axford or that first tracking shot of that cappuccino. Oh, yeah. Going to Mike Myers. Well, they're in trendy old San Francisco. Yeah, that's right. Maybe.

He's a beat. That's what he is. He certainly is. Man, remember when he made good movies? What's that about? Mike Myers. Where are you? I think there's more of a chance of a volcano erupting

from Los Angeles than a good movie about Vampire in Brooklyn Mike Myers in a good movie just as plausible he had to disguise himself into glorious bastards he probably went to the audition that way man I was sick

and tired when that love guru came out and you had to hear remember you had to hear about like how much of a perfectionist he is and he's like worked so hard to like pinpoint this character exactly how he wants it

and everybody was like wow this is it Mike Myers is back here we go and then it was the worst movie that ever happened to anybody ever on the face of the earth yep and he went crazy like uh because the whole thing was that he yeah I a friend of mine from work like worked

on that movie when they were shooting up in Canada and he was just like firing people because they didn't get his vision of the love guru and shit he was like Orson Wells but just the dumbest fucking thing of all that's ever happened he was he's like he was like he was like he was like Kubrick of just fucking pussy fart jokes.

It's terrible that movie. Oh, Mariska Hargatee to you all. Oh, don't. Sorry. So it's really hot in this sewer. So, yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Anne Hache takes out her third grade textbooks and does the unit with Tommy Lee Jones.

He does all his reading questions and he fucking figures out what magma means. And so she's basically, well, also at some point. like she wants to go down there and scope it out for herself and he's like I don't think so not today you are just not going to do that that's what's going to be downright impossible so she's as far as to get out of here time so she sneaks back in with her friend at 4 a.m. But this is what's great. She says we'll come back early tomorrow before the cops get here. Now there is like this horrible event and like people are all over the place you're trying to rope off a public area the size of a like decent you know decently laid out park. The police are there 24-7. There's no, like, all right, the police closed for the night. They'll be back again at 6 a.m.

Which, by the way, when they say that we have to evacuate the park, it's just them putting homeless people on buses. And I don't know if those homeless people ever got back to that park, regardless of the volcano. This is one of those movies where they're showing a bunch of homeless people. And one of them, you're like, that's probably a real homeless person because it's like a veteran. and like he's got no legs in one arm and he's like drumming on his wheelchair and you're like well that guy's clearly not an actor why would you sign up for this oh that's a real homeless person that they might be exploiting oh hey sir you want to be in this movie oh yeah what do i have to do you just have to keep doing what you're doing i got there's an apple in it for you

we're just going to film you because you look weird and it's authentic so they go down they're they're playing like uh the scoobies going down to figure out the big mystery see who's behind this volcano yeah spoiler alert it's lava who birds her little friend there to death man it's great is that we're the seventh boiling of this film i was about to say yeah there's seven people boiled at this point she also gets it bad though because like and this is ridiculous she's obviously the worst seismologist ever but so they go down in the sewer and there's a big crack in the in the sewer it's like it's like indiana jo's last crusade like the fucking cup like and she kneels over

she puts herself directly over it so like one knees on one side of this huge crack and one knees on the other and I'm like well this is clearly going to open up and kill her instantly and it does like it comes up and she falls and she's hanging and he tries to save her

and then like ghost smoke comes up and just fries her the fucking volcano talks in this movie like nobody's business. There's panther sounds everywhere you got growls You got growls, you got shrieks. I think there's one or two moas floating around.

It's like Lord of the Rings if you just took all the CG things out. It's so they give it. It's a whole fucking zoo. Every time, and they choose like, bra. And they're like, oh, what is that? Oh, that's what a volcano is about to go to sleep. I get it. It's played by the same guy who played the fire in Backdraft, who also talks, by the way.

That fire is him all over the place. I did want to ask you guys this very specifically. At this point, let's just narrow it down from 92 to 97. Do more, in all the natural disaster movies, do more of them have animal sounds to denote terror or less? Is it over 50%? It has to be. The tornado toxin twisters.

The asteroid talks and twigandem, it's like, yeah. Oh, yeah, there's all sorts of groans in that. That asteroid sounds like a haunted house. Well, speaking of that asteroid, it gets much worse when the second earthquake hits. Yes. As soon as the second earthquake, not even pre-volcano, Los Angeles is already tearing itself apart after that volcano, the second earthquake. It gets really bad.

It's looting footage, obviously, because you want to show that. There's somebody, you hear a, like a sound of the background or somebody has an automatic weapon. You don't see it? They're just firing, like spraying? Yeah. I swear God. And then there's a classic moment where there's a dog stuck at a house. Oh, yeah. This is after the volcano is volcanic.

Oh, no, that's right. Yeah, no, we'll get to that because that's amazing. I'm sorry. I love that. We'll get there. Don't worry. But so her friend falls. This is what I was saying.

This woman gets flash boiled. And then like when the thing like explodes up and Hache is thrown back, this woman falls to the center of the earth. that honestly it's ridiculous but that's one of my biggest fears is falling so far into the earth it's fucking pointless to look for me you got a moleman problem

what you got a bit of a moleman fear no just like because there's just nothing like I don't think I'd live long enough to like touch the core or anything like that but like that's I mean it's essentially falling into a bottomless pit

yeah because you're going to I, before you hit the core, and there's just nothing. I mean, this woman, you know, Anne Hache looks down, this woman's fucking gone. There's nothing down there. It's just ashen bone, I guess. It's horrifying. And, you know, she's, her corpse is probably eaten by a bunch of chuds. And the funny thing is, at the end of the day, it's Chuds.

Yeah, it's Chud Pickens is what it is. And Anne Hache has a great reaction. She, like, goes up to the service and just starts screaming for women. It's a real actor's moment. Yeah, it certainly is. Well, she's the rock and roll seismologist. You know, she's going to be over dramatic about everything. Also, someone steals her little spacesuit helmet, you know?

There's all this looting. This guy comes by like, yoink. You actually see somebody grab the helmet? Yeah, you do. She takes it off and puts it on the hood of the car and leans against the car like, huh. And some guy comes by like, thank you. I miss that.

And like, she doesn't even react, though. It's awesome. It's crazy. And, like, Los Angeles is portrayed as the worst city in America ever. Yeah, no, it's really bad. They'll fucking steal the first. Dylan's out your teeth when you go to sleep. With so many, like, you know,

nice areas of this town with all the celebrities and whatnot, you think that shit would be kept a little bit more to a friendlier level. It's like mass chaos from Rumble 1. Yeah, I think that it's, I think, because it's immediately a race war in this movie. Yeah, oh, yeah. There's parts of this movie that are, like,

kind of wire, like the wire. Like, you know, guys just harassing cops and just like chaining guys up like it's the fucking projects almost from the start and i think that i guess they thought that to make it such a racially charged thing where it's like yo how come to no cops in my neighborhood which has no place in this movie no it's a disaster movie i think that they just thought that would be the best way to get to the brilliant like ending of racial harmony we're gonna we're gonna bring it all full circle and stop it with the movie volcano. It's just also unearned because

this movie is so silly and everyone's burning up and cooking up, cook it up like fucking, like, people are getting lava bombs to the crotch. It gets so fucking silly. And they use the fucking term lava bomb, by the way. She goes, what's that? She goes, it's a lava bomb. It's a lava bomb. It's like, you don't

you know what a lava bomb is? And then she was like, you don't react to it until you know where it's going. Oh, God. It's like she did a tour in Sarajevo. She's like, everybody, stop. Watch for the lava bomb. And then she's like, knows where to go because she has to tell all these grown men not to run to like to like you're she's essentially telling a bunch of grown men how to catch a pop flog I know it's the opposite way like

you're trying to get away from the lava bomb but it's the same principle yeah of knowing the trajectory of something the tarpits erupt Tom Lee jones is trying to drive his daughter to soccer practice or who knows what and like you know he's got all these kind of divorce issues and his wife is of course like you were married to your job that's why we you know we broke up a blah blah blah and that and you better watch your daughter. She was like, pissed that he wanted to work that day and blah, blah, blah. She was like, I'm going to spend the whole day with you. Where do you want to go?

Tar Pitch, great. And, like, the fucking thing explodes. And then he's like, I got to go now. The second you leave her in that car, you've lost custody. You might as well fucking put your custody papers on the dashboard. You leave your daughter in a volcano eruption? Oh, yeah. I don't care what your job is.

When that volcano erupts, because for the next like 20 minutes, It's just, like, crazy, horrible shit happening to people. But when that volcano erupts out of the tarpits, there is a moment that I found so absurd. And I don't know a lot about volcanoes, but I'm pretty sure this isn't what happens. Well, one, it growls of Tommy Lee Jones, which clearly doesn't happen. Oh, if there's any man out there that could growl right back, it's him. You imagine if he just growls. It just goes back to society.

What did you do? I just looked at it funny. to the panther's head from Aladdin Welcome to the cave of wonders Jaw closes back out No but there's fucking lightning coming out of it Like it's blowing up and there's like a cloud And the lava's everywhere

And it's like lightning crash is happening And I was like That just doesn't see I mean you know Right into the mailbag and tell me I'm wrong And I don't know anything about volcanoes That's fine Because I'll be the first one to tell you

don't know a goddamn thing about him but lightning it also is blowing windows out of skyscraper's left and right which i don't quite understand it's like a transformers kind of thing where something or like it like a scream and then everything all the glass shatters and there's this the great part of that this he's like oh no trouble and he runs and there's this guy this asshole on his cell phone who's like a news reporter who's like who's narrating like it's an old timey radio show And now our boys are really in trouble. A volcano. And, like, everything is being narrated and, like, everyone's getting burned to death.

And finally, this Asian woman, this Asian doctor, who we haven't seen in 40 minutes, shows up to the movie. It's like, oh, no, there's trouble. I'll start helping people. Who's married to John Corbett, by the way. Who does nothing but tell her to stop helping people. Stop helping poor people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't say, and then so, oh, I didn't think about that.

He does say he's like, imagine what these people might have on them. And I don't know if he's talking about the ash or what. But he is just like, don't help these people. Just come home and hang out with me during a volcano. Sit in our tower and just watch society eat itself from the inside out. I got a fiddle up there. It'll be pretty great. I got a fiddle to play.

Oh, man. And again, too, like this is a disaster movie. So there's like a million storylines going all over the place here. We cut back to the command center every now and again. just to make sure Don Cheadle's still folding his arms. But this is around, I mean, we can get into it now because it's fantastic. But so one of the things that happens when the volcano finally erupts is a train is derailed. Just a single train.

Just this one subway, the red line. I don't know anything about the L.A. subway system outside of this movie and collateral. But so this train goes off the rail a little bit. And so here we go, John Carroll Lynch. John Carroll Lynch who did not close the trains Tom Lee Jones said hey That's the thing This is a redemption story

Of this is certainly is Because he's like You know John Lewis is like Oh the fucking bad's crazy They're the goddamn trades He's turning ward board to a prospector I was like oh well that's fine It's fine

And you know John Carol Lynch is like No you know money money You know what I mean Like he's that guy Yeah he's like I understand the risks Of running the trains But I just can't do it Because people have to get home

I'm sorry I would be safe If I could But I have to run the trains but then only one of them runs. This is, yeah, it doesn't make any sense for a couple of reasons. Because, I mean, one, we've had the trains shut down in New York before. And this is one of the most complicated subway lines in the history of subway lines. And it's a huge fucking city.

And they've closed it down. And you know what? We all got home. Okay. From what I've been told about the L.A. subway system, it's not a popular mode of transportation to the degree that they're treating it in this movie. So it's like, all right, John Carroll Lynch. So what, 500 people have to take a cab today? So whatever.

This leads me, when you say that your fear is to fall into the earth, this movie legitimately has given me one of my biggest phobia is, which is to be boiled in a subway. For 15 years or whatever it is since this movie's come out, I have always kind of refused to wear anything but long pants and shoes in a subway in case I ever have to get out and it was so hot it would burn my feet. Because when he's getting them, his feet, his fucking sneakers are just, like, searing there. And so what happens, he's like, oh, I would want to, but do we have any options? And he's like, we could run more buses.

And he goes, no. No, just send them. Just don't even butt. I mean, that's what New York City does. You just run more buses. It's not great. Buses suck, but they get you home. A lot of the times, like, the mayor will order that, like, you know, some cabs are free.

Yeah, they put the zone system in. Everybody gets home with buses in cabs. I don't want to be underground in two earthquakes and a volcano. So John Carroll Lynch keeps it going and then one train derails and him and his team has to go down there and see what happens. Fish him out. Fish him out and the lava's creeping in because the volcano erupted already. So they go in and they're all right. Everybody grabs somebody and starts grabbing somebody and like, oh no, the lava is encroaching the train.

And John Carroll Lynch puts the conductor on his back and starts walking out of this train. And as you were saying, his, his Nike start to melt as he goes. They're melting right on. And then, you know, when he gets to the door and they're like, come on, just drop them. You got to jump, John Carroll Lynch. And he's like, first of all, John Carroll Lynch wasn't going to make this jump with or without that guy at his bag. Yeah, it's kind of, he lose, lose either way for John Carroll Lynch, okay? And he just, he wants to play the hero.

And he's saying the Hail Mary the whole time. Oh, yeah. He's got kind of a weird, kind of gutter. Like, you know, get out of here. I'm not going to throw up. I'm going to delete all those emails. I shouldn't send. Like, I'm going to go to the gym.

I'm a hundred times a day. God, I love you. I mean, he's just making things right with his God. I mean, he's a great actor. He's fantastic. Him in fucking Zodiac, one of the creepiest performances of all fucking time. So he gets to the end of the track and they're like, come on. You got to drop him and go.

And he's like, no, I already was saying all these prayers earlier. You didn't hear me. I already made my piece with the Almighty. And he goes to make this jump. And this is something that I give this credit more and give this movie credit for and have, since I saw it in theaters, for my birthday, by the way, this movie does not for a second try to convince you that he might make this jump. When they show it's like the wide shot of him leaping off the train car, which by the way, you're not getting a running start. I mean, I guess your shoes are melting, so you can't. But you've got a, you know, a 200-pound guy in your bag.

I mean, Jack Heldons is a big guy, but come on. He is just clear. Like, you know when you're playing Mario and you're like, I can do this? And you don't get, you jump a little too soon? Yeah. And you just know, like, Mario's going off this cliff. This is like, he's going into this lava. There's no way he's not going into this lava.

And they do a perfect side shot of clearly 10 feet of lava and him jumping one fifth of that. length to his death. It'd be great if right before he does, they're like, come on, Joe. He's like, I can't. There's one more chip, and he starts tapping his forehead. But he goes in, man, and he's like, ah! He starts burning, and he throws the guy off the show.

He just tosses the guy the next eight feet. He's like a fucking strongman competition. He undertaker body slams this guy over the lava and saves his life. I mean, but that's, but that actually rings true to me, even though, like, he couldn't be that possibly that strong. Because of the adrenaline, you must be feeling with lava up to your shins. Oh, yeah. You can lift a train. And you just see him melt down to a nub.

You would, like, as we mentioned, the finger. There is, and it's fucked up, too. The only other time I ever remember this happening to me, like, a lot of movies. A lot of movies. A lot of your guy getting boiled to death in magma. Yes. No, they really eerily get, like, the someone just died moment on camera perfectly. It's this movie when he, like, whittles down and then, like, he's finally whittled enough that he just dies, you know.

It becomes magma. Yeah, like, it hits, like, whatever, his belly or something, and he's just, like, click dead. That, and then, uh, spoiler for anyone who hasn't seen it, but the Poseidon remake, when Kurt Russell fucking drowns, like, saving the ship or whatever he does like a really fucked up like i'm drowning motion and then is dead what i saw poseidon i thought immediately back to john carroll witch fucking boiling in lava well this movie is an hour and 43 minutes long this scene's about two minutes it's the only thing i remember from this movie oh yeah oh absolutely that and fucking randy newman at the end that's all you remember about this movie and it's top top five

movie deaths absolutely i don't know what i don't know where it fits on that list i don't know what that list is. It's close to Ray Winstone, which just to point out is one of our favorite win. Oh, fuck it. Which is, I mean, that's, it might be my favorite. Yeah, Ray Winston in the departed. Just couldn't give a shit about anybody's life, let alone his. No, no, no, no, no.

What you brought up, though, is a big kudos I give to this movie, which is that it's only an hour and 40 minutes. It is the right length. Like, this is what you want? Because honestly, what else are we doing? We already have a moment in this movie where it's like, we did it! No, we did it. Never mind. there's another 20 minutes.

That Godzilla is 40, close to 40 minutes longer than this? Yeah, Godzilla's like what? Like 2.15? Yeah. It's something like that. I think it's 220 or 225 with credits. Right.

Whoa. I mean, you don't need that. It's the same movie. Just replace a Godzilla with a volcano. You definitely don't need a two hour and 25 minute guns. I'll say Godzilla wasn't quite as chatty as this volcano is. I'll tell you that much. So other, yes.

favorite scenes when they kind of are back to back we go because earlier in the movie we see uh this this this sort of uh this low-income neighborhood and like this you know these black kids are getting harassed by this racist cop and we cut back to that neighborhood which is completely on fire and nobody gives a shit nope and this poor old lady's like my dog my dog oh here's the dog this is fantastic they set it up for like it's like you gotta say my dog get to say my dog and Tommy leaves you to save it and there's she says like my dog my dog and you see a friend being like The fuck I care! There's a person like, yeah, okay.

There's a volcano! And to be honest, what sucks about this is there's a dog set up at the beginning in this movie that doesn't do shit. This dog deserved to turn into a super dog by the end of this movie. And, you know, this dog is kind of like the younger, sexier dog that gets brought in

because that's a big old fucking mutt, Marmaduke, motherfucker, old buck. No, this year it's all about Jack Russell. It was the year of the Jack Russell. Talk about Frazier, my friend. It's because of Frazier, exactly. And this is, this should be our big bucks, you know, his big zeed. He got written right out of it, that motherfucker.

Because he wasn't as cute as Jack Russell. I read that, I think, I forgot the exact components, but there was something about that they used a lot of like milkshake or something. I swear to God. Oh, to make the lava? They used a component in milkshakes like that makes. makes it sort of gelatinous. Yeah, yeah.

Like some additive that you get in like fast food milkshakes to make this lava, or part of the lava anyway. That wasn't completely CJA. There's a part when it's coming in with the Jack Russell. The Jack Russell gets really close to it and like sniffs and it runs away. And all I can think about were all the bloopers of it be like, and action. I'm like, sorry, pull the dog off, pull the dog off. Mittens keeps eating the goddamn lava.

Run mittens, right, he's eating it again. He's eating the lava. Also, again, you know, correct me if I'm wrong, audience. I don't know much about volcanoes and lava and whatnot. But if a little tiny toy dog gets about eight inches away from flowing lava, I'm sure it's just going to burst into flames. Right? Sniffability is not a property of magma.

You can't sniff fucking lava. Well, there's not a singed hair. on that pooch and it runs right out of the house totally fine. Well, the rules of this lava in this movie is it's kind of like tag. It has to touch you. Like anything else, like yeah, honestly you get five feet from lava

your fucking faces, you got no eyebrows left, but everyone's like, ooh, that was a close one. And this dog, also by the way, that's assuming, have you ever seen a dog react to lightning? You think a fucking volcano is going to go off? You're never seeing that dog again. He's gone.

That dog is a baker's field. The rest of its life shitting its pants somewhere. He's not in your house anymore. No matter. He's going, he's jumping through a plate glass window before you even know what's what. Which, by the way, Jack Russell Terriers were known for doing, right? That was the whole thing. Jumping through windows?

Yeah, they became such a huge fad. It's so funny, I can remember this. From Frazier, they got really big, and everybody in New York City was getting them. You must remember this. And they're known for erratic behavior. They were just fucking off of themselves in droves at the 90s. Like, it was the stock.

It was. It was like, I read, I did like a stock market crash. It was like the opening of bad. It was like Jack Russell's coming down everywhere. They were. They were. They were like, New Yorkers were losing a lot of Jack Russell Terrace because they were so cute, but they just had a thing. They didn't like being inside or something. They were jumping out of New York City windows and the draft. You think Kelsey Grammer like got the news about that? He's like, oh, what have we done? It's just all upset with the Frazier creators. And I mean, so the dog gets away And it's a nothing scene But it's one of the best scenes in the movie for sure Because it's two things barking at each other And one shouldn't be able to bark because it's lava Hello, dog

I'm the lava, rough So basically all this shit Tim Curry was in the lava That's all, go on All this shit's going down on Wilshire Boulevard Right near the tar pits Timely Jones again losing custody of his child Is like, hey, there's a huge natural disaster

And I don't know where anything is going You go with this complete stranger. Here's my pager number. Bye! And she's going to take you to the Hard Rock Cafe. How you do in 1997? Somebody's wearing a leather jacket with some suede sleeves. Do you imagine if through all of that, all the waiters were still like,

well, hey, oh, me overspress. What can I get yourself? I'm spousy wings out here tonight. I wish that the waiters at Hard Rock cafes were like the waiters from that Pulp Fiction diner. That would be fantastic. I've never been. It's fucking terrible. You're not missing anything.

But Ty B'Leod Jones is on the field again. And he's basically, he comes up this plan to make a moat out of, I don't know what they're called. They're basically the... Fire trucks. Fire trucks. He makes several things. There's concrete barricades. He's doing this, by the way, with the help of popular character actor Keith David.

Best known for Maid Marion. I'm Little Jod I didn't take it out for air God bless Keith David He's great That was a bit uncomfortable Because I knew him from gargoyles predominantly

And here he is Making somebody suck his dick I know I am more embarrassed Because just about 24 hours ago I went hey it's Ernie Hudson Oh no And then looked up like

Can't find him in the list They must have made a mistake That's definitely Oh You know this movie was written for you Because you need to learn something About racial tolerance We're not at the end of the film yet

so yeah so the whole plan is we are going to create a barricade uh and we're going to let the lava build up till it like kind of stops itself a little and then we're going to dump a bunch of water on it and hopefully it'll like you know burn itself out which is also not a property of lava it won't it can exist underwater it's so hot it just burns and burns eventually yeah yeah i mean this is this is one of those moments where anne hage a seismologist rock star complete with all sorts of of previous volcano activity says something about like, you know, this is what they did in Greenland or something like that?

Iceland. And she's the seismologist that's been in this shit. She's done two tours in Iceland, apparently. Some bullshit. She's just a Helen Hunt of the situation. I don't know why we don't just talk about them in the same fucking person. Yeah, no, her family was probably killed by a volcano.

Oh, definitely. We don't get that backstory. We didn't know this is a Joe versus the volcano spin-off film. She was the young guy. girl in that movie you don't know what it's like when the volcano goes to that house and that house and then yours skip shores it's like this idea of volcanoes skipping houses nope volcano like she's like i moved to l-a because i'm trying to get away from oh my god how did it come from the ashes and yeah i mean it works and you're right it's like kind of the end of the movie but then it's not because the important thing to mention here by the way is at some point previous to all this nonsense that racist cop has a

a black gentleman and handcuffed him in the car. Because what happens is they're trying to lift these concrete barriers. And these cops are like struggling to get this thing up. And this dude comes up in handcuffs like, man, oh man, that looks tough. And you're just like, uh. And then the racist cop is like, what did you say? You stupid. And then like this other cop's like, oh, hey man, he's a big guy.

He could help us lift this barrier. Well, his partner is the best part because he's, he like, he's so, wants his partner to be a good man, and it never happens because, like, they're dealing with all the stuff, and then, like, you know, this, the good cop is, like, helping people out of fucking cars or whatever, and then he sees his partner cuffing a black guy. He's like, really, Jimmy, now? We need to do this now. That partner has, like, he's, like, he's rewritten police reports. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. He's written certain. He's, like, if they're, like, he's destroyed a couple of VHS tapes, surveillance VHS tapes. Yeah, he's. Yeah, he's.

He's Matt Dillon's partner in Crash and just like, oh, not Dandy Dune. Oh, he did it. Put his hat over a lot of security cameras while things went on. But he thinks he's a good man. Like, he's like, oh, you know, he just has this problem. Well, that's right, because, you know, probably on the other side of all this when they're not battling volcanoes, this cop's coming over for birthday parties, for Christmas. And he keeps bringing, like, things that may, like, accidentally make this guy not a racist. Like, I don't know, Sinbad HBO specials.

You know, just some things that are enjoyable and non-threatening to this individual, you know what I mean? Like, oh, hey, man, I know what you're going to say, but listen, give it a shot first. And then, you know, Sinbad's pacing back and forth. And this guy's, like, racist veneer starts melting off, like, all so much lava he's seen before. You know who needed a Sinbad special? Edward Norton's father in American History X. That was one racist firefighter. He needed a fucking box set.

He did. Why is Simbad? It's just going to, it's just nullifies. Well, he's, you know, the joke I was kind of going for is that Sinbad is a very light-skinned African-American gentleman. Oh, no, I just thought he was popular enough because he- Well, he's also popular. Everybody bought into Sinbad. He told a lot of, like, single guy jokes. Yeah, it was a lot of... And college guy jokes, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff that this racist cop could relate to, you know what I mean? Sinbad was a man of the people. He was a man of all people. I don't know. I'm talking to the past tense. woman is dead. He might as well be. Come back. That's right. Bring back the Zinvan.

So basically, this guy that they arrest is Hercules and he's like six foot, he's six foot eight. And he's like, oh, that looks foolish. Foolish, human. The non-fucking suit. He's a fucking full football team just sitting there not helping. And the non-racist cop is like, John, uncuff this man. And he's like, no, I can't do it.

John, I'm serious. You've got to put this shit to rest. We're all going to burn unless Cal L here can lift this fucking barrier, which he certainly could do. So then, of course, this guy comes in and then immediately threatens this racist manhood because he's like, you mind getting out of the way while I, oh, lift this concrete barrier? And then, you know, they save the day, right? So this works.

Everything's fine. Amazing racist cop moment right after this, though, is the nice guy cop. is like, thanks a lot, man. You know what? We're going to let you go. Hey, fire chief, there's a, there's a neighborhood or, you know, down the street or whatever that needs help. Why don't you go take care of that chief? So this fireman steps to, for some reason, taking orders from this cop, I guess.

The fire chief, by the way, nothing looks exactly like Joe Biden. But absolutely does. Yes. Correct. But so then the nice cop shakes the dude's hand. He's like, good luck with your neighborhood, man. You know, sorry we couldn't help out more or whatever. And he's like, you know, no, thanks.

or whatever, the guy turns to shake the racist cop's hand and this dude fucking stone walls him, just stares him down with his racist mustache and his fucking thinning hairline and he's just like, nope, I can't possibly bring myself to shake a black man's hand

in this time of fucking insane emergency and tragedy. Because he sends him with the fire department, and it's to be like, yeah, go fucking hang out with those fucking assholes of the fire department that like you. Let's go save some fucking lives. I'm going to be here fudging reports and taking cash on the barrel head.

Do you think that this guy's dad had a problem going to the bathroom and that's why he was a racist like Matt Dillon and Crash? It's quite possible. I mean, he had to help his dad go potty. Just made him a racist somehow. I haven't seen that movie in a while.

I'm never going to watch it again. But how did, what was the connection made there? Why was, why was? Because, like, his dad can't take a piss and he just needs, like, either piss pills or diapers or something. And this stuff shirt,

black woman at the fucking social security office won't give him the benefits and that's how it all you know we're all connected Andrew I don't know if you know this but especially in L.A. we're all connected and actually the only reason car accidents happen is because you want to feel more fucking connected thanks for nothing Paul Huggis. Yeah I think I did hear

something about that. I shoot me up with a magic bullet now. There is a there's an amazing couple of characters and we mentioned some before they were famous. Another one I don't know if we mentioned him yet if we mentioned him off the air Harvey Levine

from TMZ and before that the people's court is playing a reporter in this movie and it's an amazing sequence that he's doing here because he's reporting

on all the animals that are like abandoned because their owners are running out or whatever that couldn't call for help yeah and there is a fucking snake with just this clearly

fake bandage just attached to it get on a snake It looks like he's got a tooth thing It's like Sir Hiss from Robin Hood It's like, oh no, master Oh, it's so good And they say something like

This pig was actually found Trying to find its owner Which is, it's like dogs Are just like snakes Or just like pigs Or all the same Even in the animal kingdom Oh yeah totally

No barriers anywhere The volcano? You know, I don't care We were all New Yorkers or all Los Angeles from that volcano. The snakes and the pigs and flax toys and spatics. We're all basically the same on that fateful day when that volcano went up. But the credits are very annoying because it's like, and the media as themselves.

Because everyone who's at a very news reporter is an actual news reporter. Yeah, there's a lot of local L.A. people. Shepard Smith is in this, which is just. Fucking piece of shit. Man. There was certainly, there was something kind of realistic and believable at this movie. That must have been what it was. Yeah.

The one. thing. On the professional newscast news. I felt like I was in L.A. during a volcano the entire time. Well, the funny thing is this movie pulls that you're not going to believe this. But the good thing is they resolve it 30 minutes later because the barrier works. Everyone's applauding and Tom Lee Jones is like, hooray, everything's fine again. Now who to put my daughter with?

I'll figure it out. They write, they write Anne Hesha out of this movie. Oh, yeah. He's like, he's like, hey, woman, go do woman things and find my little girl. It's not doing anything. And bring her back to me. Which, by the way, she's doing a terrible job looking for this girl because all she's doing is wandering around crowded Los Angeles streets screaming her name.

We didn't find her there right now. She's just a fucking giant panic. Because the thing, we do the moat, and then she's like, oh, no, it's heading for the coast, which is Cedar Sinai, which is where Tobli Jones has been shipping everyone. It's like, ah, send him to Cedar, ah, said him to Cedar, you sure you don't want to go to Beth Israel? No, I send him to Cedar. Everybody goes there. just one lowly security guard

is a slim Whitman song playing in the background. Just like slowly turning through a gun magazine. That's no idea there's a volcano erupting. It blows a single pop bubble pop and we go back to the movie. You would think there's only two hospitals because he keeps sending everyone to this

one hospital. Yeah. And you know obviously the lava's going there. So we're getting to the end of this movie and we get to, we're outrunning the lava flow. We know where it's going to explode. And yet You're right, because Anne Hache has been ahead of this thing since minute one. She knows exactly what's going on. She's been in the shit.

And they just ride her out of the end of this movie. It's really shitty. He's like, all right, now this is what I want you to do, because I've declared martial law. The person that's pretty much been the only intelligent force in this entire film. Go get my daughter for me and come back, and then I'll tell you what to do next. Because this movie's got a weird thing where, like, Tommy Lee Jones is the man. He's a man. He's going to fix Los Angeles.

He's about to grab a fucking Jack. hammer in about 10 minutes in this movie. Oh, that is amazing. He just looks around. He's like, you're jackhammering them. Guess I'm better to just start using this jackhammer. Jack, jack, jack, jack, jack, jack, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. And he's jack hovering with purpose as if he's going to do it faster than the guy

that's not intensely jackhammering. It doesn't make any sense because, I guess, the beginning of this movie, you know that Tom Lee Jones would be calling the shots. But in mass chaos, if some fucking hill business, nah, no, you go over that, you take that. Take that fire track! You drive it. I was like, fuck you, man. Like, why am I listening?

You don't have a badge. You've got nothing. How do I know that you, out of everyone in this crowd, is the person I should be listening to? Anybody that's smaller than the Wizard of Oz head at the end of the Wizard of Oz isn't commanding a crowd like that? Like, it's got to be a giant teleprompter or something. But everyone's doing it. He's like, anybody else got a better idea? I thought so.

Now check the farmhouse, the outhouse. Check the outhouse for this lava. So basically, Tully Jones is. because again he loves making moats he's like all right we're going to blow his whole building up and make a big old moat for this lava and like really he's like yeah you got any better idea it's like his whole speech is got any better idea

I would say walking briskly away from it would have been fine as well to be fair two things about this one and Hes is somehow able to calculate that they have 20 minutes until this lava is going to hit where they stopped digging the subway tunnel and they've they've determined that

you know like Steve said it's going to blow up right by the hospital at the Beverly Center, the big L.A. Mall, the Beverly Center, hard rock cafe. Like, it's all right there. Now, now this movie means something. So, by the way, when they find out that there's 20 minutes to go here, my point, though, before I skip over that,

was Tommy Lee Jones does say, this is the plan I have. If anyone else has anything, let me, like, he is kind of like, if you got a better idea, let me know because I am flying by the seat of my ass here. Anyway, he's still a dick in this movie. but so they start evacuating the hospital because they're like there's 20 minutes there's no possible fucking way we can drill all these you know like pressure holes to blow the street make the moat to go out to the ocean so when this inevitably fails we at least want to try to evacuate the hospital in the surrounding area so gabby hoffman's in the hard rock cafe with these two kids that she's sort of been looking after de-plot the movie over here oh totally and so one kind of like a and she's looking, you know, to find this kid. She's in the kitchen of the Hard Rock Cafe.

And when they make the call to evacuate the area, someone bursts into the kitchen and goes, come on, everybody, we're evacuating the Hard Rock. Wow. It's such a stupid line, but it's a line that plays into this world's love of the Hard Rock Cafe in 1997. But it's not like they're boarding certain sections on a plane where you have to be like, oh, is that my second? Oh, no, did you say Hard Rock? No, you're only seating the Planet Hollywood. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm in Planet Hollywood. I'll just wait to run away from this lava. In turn. And it's not a monument. It's a fucking Hard Rock Cafe. It's 1,60 miles away. But we were obsessed with it as a culture, though. May I bring you back to the ending of Khan Air? Where the Hard Rock Cafe plays a huge role at the end of that movie, when the plane fucking crashes into it. And it's like the big Vegas guitar, and it just goes right into it. You're like, yeah, man. man hard rock cafe that was where it was at in the late 90s you know they can fucking take our poor people but as soon as that fucking volcano has the stones to try to take our hard rack cafe so yeah there's actually something to be said for a good portion of this movie is low-income

communities begging for help and then timely jones immediately saying nothing and then being like we have to save the hard rock cafe there is a shot uh not a earlier in the film where they're like taking paintings out of it there is a scene earlier in the film where they're taking paintings out like preserving paintings that are

in some museum I would have loved it if it's like a glass case with a bunch of Elvis suits putting it on a truck a couple of Hendrix axes could you imagine he played left-handed? Not now! And hey, I find my daughter. Don Cedle

go save Jerry Lewis's piano. Go Oh, God, if that piano went up in flames That would really make me laugh Someone's making a great ball's a fire joke at some point And I mean, this is the end of the movie Jackie Appreel has a great death, by the way, at this point Oh, yeah, he does For some reason, like, all the teams are going in there

And they're setting up all the explosives And they're doing it on the flighting, I do it really quick And some guy gets his leg caught And it's all about the triumph of the human spirit So he's like, oh, my leg is stuck And he's like, could you help? And Jackie O'Brien's trying, and he can't. And he's like, just go without me.

And he's like, I'm not leaving a man behind. I'm like, wait, what? Why? And he's like, and, you know, they're like, clear. We have to blow the bombs. Everybody say you're clear. And, you know, Jackie O'Reel sacrifices himself. And the guy by saying clear, what is the benefit there?

You got to go. You just, you got to go. You're going to live with it for the rest of your life, but you got to go. It's not even like he's trying to get him out to the last second. They resigned that this guy is trapped and he's going to die. Yeah. And he's got, I'm going to stay with you in your last moments.

There's like, there's almost like they almost just kind of like hug and say like, you've been my best friend is like the sun is like burning their faces off. I mean, Jackie April is like, what's the guys going to just go? And he, there's something that is the size of a car.

Yeah. Right? It's fucking 3,000 pounds. There's like, there's a rumble because the, the lava starts breaking through. And yeah. They're in like a parking garage.

Yeah. And this poor guy. Underneath John. Corbett's building, by the way. This guy is not getting out. He has a broken leg, fine. Not the biggest problem. He has a car on top of him.

Jackie Briel, God bless him. He fucking tries to pick this thing up. He does not budge. The guy's like, just go, just go. You have 20 seconds to run of this building. I mean, he's leaving and being like, yeah, Rock fell on his head. Dead on impact. For shame.

Not for nothing. If you really want to do the right thing, this guy's going to die. And just get out. yourself be with your family. Yeah, exactly. You just, it was if you really think about the logistics of it. I understand no man left behind, but that man is down. I mean, that's it.

He's already dead. You wouldn't stay with a corpse. This guy's essentially a corpse that's not a corpse yet. We're clearly not heroes in this room. The honorable thing to do is be like, and maybe this is Steve Saneck honorable thing to do, is be like, shoot him in the hand? No, you go. If you've got a gun, sure.

I haven't to be a situation where it's kind of touch and go and you have the gun. You're like, I'll do you first, I swear. It's okay, it's okay, Steve, you don't have to do me first. There's a courtesy. I'll shoot you first. I'll shoot myself. No, you do the old, got any last messages for your family? You know, like you kind of, as you're walking away, be like, hey, you got a daughter?

What do you want to say to her? How do you spell that? I'll make something nice. You need to smoke. By the way, they're rigging all these explosives because they realize that the lava isn't going to go exactly the way they thought it was going to go and they need something that can turn the lava

so they rig a bunch of explosives under John Corbett's ivory tower which is the one thing that's missing from this movie is him being like no you can't do this. They just do it. He was not up to him. He's such a fucking fat prick in this movie

that you just want to be like you want that scene of him being like no this is ridiculous and then like Tommy Lee Jones punches him out or something. One good all fashion one metric or one standard American knockout. Yeah, he just Jock Jack Jackson you know?

No, you know what I want is you know at the end of Ghostbusters William Atherton with the marshmallows but it's lava. And he's like, he's like, oh you people and he just gets it really bad. That's actually another moment of awkward scream sound effects

is in Ghostbusters. When that marshmallow shit falls on William Atherton there's a sound effect that plays in that movie that you're not sure if it's supposed to be coming from William Atherton, but it's like a marshmallow. I've never been able to pinpoint. It's a perplexing moment in that film. So they blow this building, and it's the fakesst thing 1997 ever saw.

By the way, Anne Hache's theory of yelling her name, of Gabby Hoffman's name, didn't exactly work out. And the last thing Timely Jones sees before the explosion is his daughter helping this kid for no good goddamn reason. Another fucking kid that shouldn't have stuck her neck out for this guy. This kid was just there to bring it all together. It's fucking so terrible. She doesn't know where this little brat is.

Yeah, no. He just wanders off like a children of the corn. Yeah. Towards the explosions. And there's actually a part, which I think it, I mean, he's just, this kid, just this little blonde fucking piece of shit. He's just walking towards the volcano just aimlessly. Yeah.

And there's, as the buildings are exploding, I mean, I don't know how to describe this right, but it's so obvious that the kid was never told to react to the explosions because there's explosions going on. The whole bill is going down. And he's just got this like little grin, like, it's weird and stormy out here. I don't even know it's boo-my and booby. And he's just walking towards fucking Armageddon. Walking into the arms of Armaged.

It's just to bring Tommy Lee Jones that daughter together. It's infuriating. That shot is kind of lifted from the end of the professional. It's like Leon walking away. and then Gary Oldman shows up and shoots him in the back. Oh, yay. I kind of wanted Gary Oldman

to show up and shoot this kid in the bag. Well, I mean, Gary Hoffman's running through all sorts of kitchens like the fucking RFK assassination. So, you know, why not? But then Tadley Jones starts Jack, Jack, Jack in his way. Running towards his daughter.

And he's like outrunning explosions, Lavas. Oh, man. He's dodging all sorts of lava bombs. King Coupers. Velociraptors. You know, it is like, the bridge is,

break it behind him. Those smiling fucking fireballs are jumping up and trying to nick him in the feet. He's got to touch that axe. And he slow motion saves him and they, you know, the building falls. And it's like Anne Hache all, all she sees is like the building fall in front of her. So she can't see what happened to them. And then it's like this big search, you know, because he's the fucking, he's the fucking Pope of Chile town in Los Angeles right now.

So here. Check, check, check, check, check. Wait, wait, wait, everybody quiet. He's over here! I know that jack, jack, anywhere. And, you know, his hand comes up and, you know, of course they're alive, which is fine.

The thing that's bullshit, though, is a police car pulls up and Don Cheadle gets out to make sure that his fucking golden idol doesn't have a scratch on him. And he's like, hey, hey, Gabby Hoffman, it wasn't this terrible? I brought your dog for you. What? Okay, so like this city's in ruin.

there's a once in a lifetime fucking disaster that's happened you're stopping off at Tommy Lee Jones house to pick up the dog it feels like it very much felt like because I was like when he's funny when you tell him there's a dog I don't remember that part I bet there was a scene where I don't know for under what exact circumstances yeah but she just like like he was like so I heard your daughter you let your daughter get burned and then put her to the hospital like what would make your daughter he's like bring my bring buck bring buck she'll be happy with book. I feel like there was a scene where he told him to get that dog. Well, it's one thing that would make my little princess

happy. You'll be seeing that big old buck dog again. You know, you're big rehab. You rent me a copy of wild things. I'll go, deck, check, check, deck, deck, deck, deck, deck, deck, deck, deck. So, everybody's alive. A 1997 joke for 1997. Totally. Ninety-seven people?

Pretty close. Everybody's alive. And so Keith David comes out and grabs this little blonde snot head away from Gabby Hoffman, you know, and he's like, well, hey there, little fella, you know, where's your mother? What does she look like? What does she look like? Yeah.

His kid looks around and it's all just people covered in ash. And it's just, don't we all just get it, everybody? And this kid says this. Look at their faces. They all look the same. Ah, ah, what a fucking stomach churning line. It's so unearned. It's not even fun.

But then, I guess, the reigns of racial hatred come fairly quickly. And then immediately, there's that moment. And then it's like, God's like, oh, no, you're all different. I just fucking with you. Well, that should be the last line of your movie. And then you pan out and you're like, oh, racial harmony. But by putting anything after that, you're burying the league. You're just a bunch of gray people helping other great people out, move gray things out from other larger gray things.

Yep. You pull it out. Q Newman, go home. Yeah. But no, it rains. And there's more dialogue and story. And you're like, well, that was just a dumb little side moment. And what's, what's ridiculous is just as ridiculous as bringing the dog.

So, you know, the thing we mentioned before, like the chief calls for Tommy Lee Jones. And he gives the phone back to Don Chiloh's like, I'm on vacation. And he gives the phone back. So Don Chittles going off to do whatever. And they... Mudslides in Malibu, I believe. Yes, there are mudslides in Malibu. Very, very correct.

And so Tommy Lee Jones. and Gabby Hoffman are going to walk off into the fucking soot-covered sunset. And he says to her, because she's bitching earlier in the movie about how, you know, she wants to go to the Beverly Center. And he's like, I thought we were going to Disney World. You said Disney World. Aren't you still eight years old? That's weird.

And so he's like, well, how's your vacation so far? You always said you want to go to the Beverly Center. What did you think of it? I'm like, do you, the fucking carnage? John Carroll Lynch melted in lava. Remember all of that shit that happened? You should be starting to fucking fund. Did you imagine they made a bronze statue of him holding the guy out of the lava?

The John Carroll Lynch Memorial Lava statue? Oh my God, if I ever hit the lottery, as I, God is my witness. The first thing I would do is make a fucking statue of him holding that guy out of lava. If Rocky could be in Philadelphia and he didn't exist, John Carroll Lynch should be in Los Angeles. Absolutely. But the thing is, the bullshit thing of it is, is like, Don Cheadle is like, yeah, you know, The chief says, you know, there's riots over here, there's a mudslide here, and people don't have power. It's like, it's the world, it's the biggest natural disaster anyone's ever seen.

It's a volcano in the middle of Los Angeles. Oh, yeah, I'm trying to have to have to deal with my own natural disaster. Yeah, my own fucking erupting volcano. My respectful daughter. Your vacation has been canceled. I'm sorry. But we need you to come in today As the world

You as somebody that led people The disaster's not over Like It's like literally 9-11 happens The buildings fall And Rudy Giuliani is like well That's it done PTO

Because it's just Because that's not the disaster The disaster is getting through Everything else that happened You have to help out with the cleanup I'm sorry that you had plans You don't have You know what the paperwork don't worry about

canceling and we'll take care of the paperwork for you but those days will not be honored we'll give you board we're gonna we'll figure it out when the city is back together in a year yeah but you're gonna put some time in I'm sorry that your daughter wants to go to whatever to the fucking mall and and they treat like Tom Lee Jones like I'm passing it on to you like no no you take this the west side I'll take the east side and maybe we'll make it through this fucking thing there's a major metropolitan area that's literally covered in ashes like sorry you're not you're not taking time off canceled send your dumb kid home we'll try again next summer yeah and you you lost custody of months

ago by the way oh yeah that also uh if you let your daughter be burned by lava yeah you're losing custody of your child's well you said you wanted to go to the memory center how do you like it huh It was cool, Dad. Cool. Cool. But the other thing, though, what happens is, so Gabby Hoffman,

you know, and him are walking away, and he's like, so you always said you wanted to go to the Beverly Center. What'd you think of it? And she fucking goes, it was cool. It was pretty cool. And he's like,

oh, it's cool, huh? Like, what? Did you just instantly block out everything that's happened to you for the last, like, 18 hours? Well, give it the John McLean, the who it's over like yeah no it the terrorist didn't fall from the building yeah the buildings fell from the sky you gotta you gotta fucking make that distinction it's a big deal you have to make that

distinction but there's no time yeah because randy newman starts tickling those ivories and it doesn't even matter you have you have mount wilshire it cuts to us six months later and it's back to where we were before it's the fucking opening of l a story you know like there's so many stories going on here the fucking the fruit grocer here and the police constable helping the man who's fallen on hard times and the businessman walking to work and oh say there is a celebrity

going to Mount Hollywood and all this shit and then it's just it's kind of a you're not going to believe this thing also because it's a bit of it. Mount Wilshire status A C-I-V-E I love L-A-E it's active everybody so it could go off again. Maybe

someday, if this movie makes enough money we're going to, what, have the volcano blow up a second time? I can't imagine a more boring sequel idea. Like, why would you want us to do that again? Like, what else could you do? You can't even move the fucking volcano. It has to be in the same spot. So if they have to do,

if they do make a sequel and they make it in the same kind of vein, what are this, like, if we have to have a whole new set of stories as the next one opens, like it's a whole, it's like a, like a Clinton, like a bunch of Clinton-era people or like a bunch of people with HIV trying to get healthcare and being fucking laughed out of the insurance agency.

I don't imagine what this movie would be if it just took place four years later. Well, I'll tell you what the thread would be. Much like the gentleman in the both of the speed movies with dreadlocks. In the first one, it's his car, and it's the second one, it's his boat or whatever. The sequel to Volcano would have John Corbett having another expensive piece of his property destroyed in some fashion. He's like, oh, that Volcano is done for? I got this new...

Yeah, real estate wasn't for me. I've always loved the sea or something. Look at this new car dealership. Yeah, yeah, it's a huge car dealership. Look at this new shark farm I started. I wish. I don't need to get him in trouble. Shark versus Volcano.

That's a movie I would totally watch. Which is actually kind of similar to that Shark Nato movie I saw as going to be on sci-fi channel. Oh. Figure out what that's about. done so that's a volcano would anybody recommend it I would

it's pretty quick it's pretty brisk it's really cheesy and ham fisted and all those things it's the John honestly it's the John Carroll Lynch thing it's it makes it from a D minus to a B plus it's just that that scene is so good it's worth it JJ

it's it is it's a it's a Sunday Gatorade movie yep Absolutely. If you need to feel like a human again by 9 a.m. Monday morning, Gatorade and a volcano is going to do it. I think through all the movies of the era, there are others that I look.

I'm more fond of for just rewatchability and just stupid, stupid movies at that time. Yeah. But this movie is definitely in the just, it's okay. Yeah, no. You can watch Volcano if you wanted to. Totally recommending this movie. I saw it, like I said, for my birthday,

which is kind of embarrassing but I was a big disaster movie kid growing up I saw all of them in the theaters and I would recommend it it's a Sunday Gatorade movie it absolutely is sitting on the couch and the fucking beautiful thing about it a hundred minutes and you're out you're not just waiting and waiting

through more and more volcano nonsense and the volcano shows up about I mean like there's inklings of it in the first five minutes a little more inklings he's erupting by minute 30 and then we're dealing with it for the rest of the movie Absolutely. Now, here's the question, though. Because I don't think we're going to, you know, we're not going to revisit another volcano-related movie.

Is this movie better than Dante's Peak, or is it the other way around? I think it probably is better than Dante's Peak. I don't, I'll look at Dante's Peak once, and I never had the desire to revisit it. And I don't, I mean, aside of that old lady jumping into the boat of the river of, just boiling away. It's sulfuric acid and pushing that boat to safety, it's, it doesn't. have the John Carroll Lynch factor. I don't remember much of that movie. It doesn't have the John Carroll

Lynch factor, but I'll tell you what it does have. I don't think it has won over on Volcano. I do think Volcano's the more entertaining movie, because a lot of it's just like Pierce Brosnan driving a Jeep through the woods at night. Yeah. But when we're getting early signs that there's

a volcano here on Dante's Peak, there's a great scene where it's like young lovers taking a skinny dip in a hot spring and they're fucking flash boiled. It's almost a John Carroll Lynch moment, but not exactly. I agree, but on boilability, Volcano wins. I know where you're coming from.

I've heard of, I know this scene very well, but I like them steamed and not boiled. This movie just takes it out in that arena. There's also, Pierce Brosnan, as far as I remember, I haven't seen it in a while, does not use a jackhammer for any superfluous reason whatsoever. Jock, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, he's got, he's got, saw, sa, sa, sa, sa, sa, sa, sa, sa,

Oh, God, and that's Volcano from 1997, directed by Mick Jackson. All right, so, Justin, you are here promoting Recap This. You want to tell our folks what Recap This is all about? Yeah, it's one of those great sites that the name of the site is also the site. So if you want to go to RecapThis.com or at Recap This on Twitter or Recap This on Facebook, it's just a site that a friend of mine has been running for a long time where she recaps television in a madcap way, which I know it sounds kind of foolish,

but it's pretty scattershot. It's pretty much what she's watching constantly and writes just some of the best entertaining reviews out there. And I started to write for it. I'm doing the last six episode of intervention because the show is off going off the air pretty soon, which is great to be like, oh, what am I going to do without intervention?

It's kind of a duality there. It's pretty fantastic. And I'm not sure what I'm going to write about for that. If you want to, any suggestions are welcome. But, yes, that's pretty much it. It's been a lot of fun to recap this. And anywhere you can search things on the entire internet, you will find exactly what you want.

Can I get it on a smartphone? Shut up, Tyler Jones. You could actually bang it. You can't. Can I bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing. If you want to get a hold of us or find out more information about this fine program, check out the website, WHMpodcast.com.

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random crap that we come up with that we want to talk about. It's definitely worth your time. It's either through the podcast box app if you use an iPhone or an iPad, or you can buy it an Amazon for all your Android devices. Check us out at the pit, July 27th, 8 p.m. We're talking about Cliffhanger. Sylvester Stallone, John Larichette. John Lithgow.

Oh, John Lithgow. Maybe John Larichette will come. I'll get out of them on Twitter. Yeah, he has to say about it. He might be in the area. I follow him on Twitter. He's a great follow because he just, like, lives in New Orleans, and he'll tweet, like, I'm listening to this jazz record with the window open, and I'm just drinking, and it's great.

I have a better this morning. Didn't even see me coming. Follow Earthquake on Twitter. At J. Larichette. At Earthquake for all your Gator recipes. At R.I.P. Earthquake. Because you may be dead. I don't know.

I feel bad we didn't look him up in the course of this podcast. He's a professional wrestler that you haven't heard about in more than 10 years, so odds are. Sorry, earthquake statistics are not in your favor. Until next week, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Seda. And just in case. Take it easy.