We Hate Movies - S4 Ep122: Only the Strong

Episode Date: September 10, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang returns from their summer vacation to rip on the totally ridiculous (but fun!) capoeira thriller, Only the Strong! How awesome is that warmup song? How old is that Jamaican guy? And where do these teachers get off treating an Army veteran like garbage? Plus: Silverio, a villain for the ages. Only the Strong stars Mark Dacascos, Stacey Travis, Geoffrey Lewis and Paco Christian Prieto; directed by Sheldon Lettich. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Sisko. Steven Zedak. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning back in. We are back.

How many times can I say back, by the way? Back to school, back to school, back to the future, bear back. Oh, bear back. Oh, bear back. Absolutely. This is kind of like the, uh, I'm watching a lot of Seinfeld and a lot of old TV. It's hilarious when, especially sitcoms, they didn't give a shit. Like, people would just come back from vacation super tanned. Oh, yeah. Jerry's just sitting there doing his business and he's just incredibly tanned for no reason. By the way, it sucks that you had to be like, I've been watching Seinfeld and a lot of old TV. Yeah. Jump out the window after. to this fucking show. Whoever thought Seinfeld is just, ah, old TV. You know what? Lump it in with old TV. Yeah, Steve, that was really dismissive of you. No, it's just true. That's an old fucking

show. I'm just saying, that's an old showman. Went off the year in 98. What year is it? I believe it's 2013. That's 15 years, right? All right. Sure. Yeah, that's 15 years. So here we are. We are back.

It is our back to school episode, Doesn't, you know, a lot of our audience members might themselves be going back to school or a fresh fall semester at college or sending your kids back to school. Thank fucking God. No, because we've said this before and they're like, oh, yeah, you're right. You're so fucking right. They're out of the house. Listen to the cursing show now. Those fat guys that say, fuck a lot. Man, can I just, before we get into this, you know, I posted this while we were on vacation and we got a little bit of response. But we had a hilarious negative iTunes review over the break that was somebody who was clearly just some like concerned parent that was just like one star. Why don't you ditch your potty mouth and produce a show adults can enjoy?

And I posted it on Twitter and all, you know, all these people that listen to the show were like, I'm a grown ass woman. I'm a grown ass man. Fuck you, lady. It's just fucking great. It's a profane show. Get off your high horse. It's got the adult rating there, right? There's a reason we put the explicit tag, so people like you, stay away.

But I'm going to try to meet you halfway, and my curses today will be replaced with a little something different, little something, you know, more family-friendly. Yeah, that's cool. Like I'll say, you know, fudge. Hey, fudge. I'm going to say Brazilian curses only. Because you're from the real Dijanero. The real Dijanero. I am the villain of this movie.

I'm the Brazilian Darth Vader. So, speaking of Brazilians, you might be saying, what the fuck are they talking about? 1993's Only the Strong, directed by a fella named Sheldon Lettich. This gentleman's directed seven films. Four of them stars Jean-Claude Van Dam. All of them feature martial arts. this case, it's Brazilian Capoeeta. We sort of teased this on an episode

a while back. I think it was Maniac Cop 3 because the Jamaican drug dealer in this film plays the janitor that's just working in the basement of the hospital or something of Maniac Cop 3. There you go. The Badge of Silence. He's also

a guy given Steven Segal a hard time in one of those movies. I forget which one. Whichever one he runs afoul of Jamaicans. Is that marked for death? I think it's Jamaican me crazy. Sorry, Steven Seagal. Hey, you're Jamaican me crazy. Credits. Steven Seagal and Martin Lawrence. Someone jamaic make that movie.

So, you know, like we said, it's our back-to-school episode. This is, it's kind of like, now see if, tell me if I'm crazy. This movie's kind of like if you took the principal and removed James Belushi and replaced him with a physically fit Capoeita Master because it's just a dude cleaning up a bad school. I mean, it's dangerous minds with Capoeita fighting. It's fan fucking-tastic

is what it is. It's really great. It's kind of like Capoeita pornography. And I don't say that in that way if people say like, oh, this movie is just like torture porn. But no, this movie exists in, like, every scene is just an excuse for some awesome Capoeita fighting. And like

it just starts, you know, it's like somebody's getting a job interview. Like, well you know it'll solve this you know it'll get you this job if we do some Brazilian karate right now so it's like waiting online at a bathroom like oh is somebody in there I know how I'm gonna pass the time to do to do to do to do starts dancing around a Starbucks oh the pool guys here you want a Brazilian karate fight me I thought you were going to want to fuck me but I'll Brazilian karate fight you whatever so this this it's what's this fellas' name something Stevens, Rick?

What? The guy. We call it Mr. Stevens. This is Louis Stevens, right? Lewis Stevens. Mark Descartescos? Yes. He's the dude currently portraying the chairman on Iron Chef America,

a.k.a. Let's pretend you're more Asian than you actually are. This dude's like Hawaiian or some shit. Yeah. Oh my God, man. It's downright offensive that accent he puts on for the Iron Chef. I mean, that's all I'm going to do, but that's what it is, you know. He also was in Double Dragon as the guy that's not Scott Wolf, the guy that could actually karate fight. It's not a pudgy little guy from a party of five. A pudgy little sidekick from Party of Five.

How did he get in that movie? I mean, I guess he was the biggest thing in the world for 12 months. Do you think Mark DeCos is a lot closer to the stuntman than he is with Scott Wolf? Because, like, Scott, they're like, time for fighting. Scott, you go over there. The stuntman comes in, like, hey, Brad, how's it going? How's the wife? Oh, no.

I mean, you want a Brazilian karate fight me? I mean, these dudes, these dudes are tied to the stuntman community because, you know, before they were the chairman or, you know, Mr. Lewis Stevens in this movie, like, you're probably a stuntman or you're doing some stunt work as an extra, you know, in like a bigger stars fighting movie, like a Van Dam flick or a Jackie Chan movie or something. Yeah. You know what I mean? So you know the stuntman community a lot better than you're hanging out with fucking Scott Wolf and all the other losers in this movie. I mean, there's nobody in this movie. There's people in this movie, but there's nobody in this movie. I mean, it's if you watch, here's the thing.

If you watch other movies like Only the Strong, you recognize people in the movie. But if you're not, you know, this is speaking to the larger martial arts community, your Jim Katas, your other white guy karate pictures. You know what I mean? And this isn't white guy karate necessarily. Yeah, it's Brazilian guy karate. It's Brazilian guy karate. 100% no mustaches, I feel. It's the distinction.

There is one mustache, and it's on a police officer where it belongs. And I mean, you're right, though. You won't run into the same crowd because it is Brazilian karate pornography because you're not going to see, like, you know, Jenna Jameson in an legitimate film. You're like, oh, I'm only watching her in pornography films. I thought she was going to be only in Brazilian guy karate movies for a second. Jenna Jameson, Capoeita Master. It's like, you got the porno going on.

It's starting up. You got the music going. A guy comes in, Jenna Jameson's laying there, you know, and then he's just like, you want a Brazilian karate fight? Hey, you want to put some clothes on Brazilian karate fight me real quick? So Brazilian karate fighting, Capoeita, I apologize. Yeah, yeah. To our Brazilian listeners is it's kind of,

like a dance karate. It's really cool to watch. It's amazing. It's outright amazing. I mean, yeah, it starts with like, there's so many flips. I mean, like, you know, the dude explains like, listen, we put a song on, you kind of like get in your groove, you swing around a little bit, and then you like get into it.

And there's a lot of flips and cartwheels. It's, it's now, and you know, Brazilian audience, correct me if I'm wrong, but judging from this movie, and it's the only time I've ever experienced Capoeira, it's mainly kicking things. Yeah, there's a lot of kicking going. Now, do you think that Blanca and Street Fighter did this before he was a monster?

Before he became a monster? Yes, I think he was a Capoeira master. And then a big thing of toxic waste fell on him and the dude who played Toxic Avenger, one became Toxie and the other one became Blanca. Who would you rather be in that scenario? Blanca or Toxie? Blanca, yeah, Blanca hands down, right? I mean, the Toxic Avenger is downright, horrifically.

And, like, shit's falling off your face when you. Like, at least Blanca is just. just like he's mutated, he's grotesque. Yeah. But at least like he is what he is. He's got that beautiful full head of hair. He can electrocute people. Yeah, totally.

You know, speaking of the toxic Avenger, I was tooling around on Netflix over our break. And, you know, because the work around the WHM crew never ends. So there's always researching movies. And I came across like a slew of those fucking toxic Avenger movies. And, you know, I hate trauma movies. I can't watch them.

But I was like, oh, Toxic Avenger 4 or whatever. Let's see what this plot is. And it's like, Toxies having a bad day because, and I was like, no. No, I saw that and there was maybe something about an alternate dimension and I fucking clicked right off. So there's a bad school. This dude, Lewis Stevens, is an ex-green beret. It's amazing because the movie starts and he's just like looking out at a pier in, we assume Brazil. Yeah.

There's a good, like, freestyle Capoeira circle going on. They're just hanging around. They're all singing the song, which you hear a million, bajillion times in this movie. Let's just set the tone. Let's set the jenga for this film. Yeah, here we go. Oh, get ready to love that song because it's never leaving your soul fully.

And he's, like, turning around, like, over his shoulder a little bit, just looking at these guys. groving out to that song and like yeah you know what the world finally makes sense this guy I mean I think it's safe to say like this dude has truly found his calling like we learned that he grew up in this like bad Miami neighborhood and he was one of the lucky ones that got out and made something of himself but you're right like the first few minutes of this movie before it says like hilarious like yellow block font only the strong underline like it's really bad credit sequence before that happens he's like this is where I belong

Like, I love doing this. I love being with these dudes. Totally great. Just grooving out to these tunes. And then he fucking just sees the car come over the ledge, you know, over the, over the rim. And he's like, fuck. Like, here's my superior to tell me something. College, he's got to graduate from college.

Yeah, exactly. Out of the real. It doesn't make any sense. Like, he's just like, he might be dishonorably discharged from the army. We don't know the circumstances, A, what he's doing in Brazil. Or, B, like, why he's forcibly. Like, he can't stay. Look, Green Beret.

You have missed out on a whole lot of operations because you keep going back to these dance circles. Smoking all sorts of grass. Or dancing with these fucking dudes. And maybe eventually after his discharge, they were just like, listen, you know, we taught you some. It's been fun. You can't come hanging out anymore. Oh, you think it was the Capoeita Masters that were like, hey, hey, Army, get this guy out of here. We have our own life, you know?

Hey, guys, we're going to do some Capoeita today? sure Lewis sure we are trying to run drugs this guy this stuff shit just keeps going up because he loves our music like hey that's a great tune like good order here square you're totally queer in the deal here so he goes back to his his rough and tumble Miami neighborhood and he meets up on his old teacher Mr. Carrigan the guy who you know believed in him he'd be like your Michelle Pfeiffer in dangerous minds you're Mr. Holland before the opus, you know, all of this stuff. He's the guy that sees something in a bad kid and really brings it up, but he's quite apathetic these days. He has given the fuck off is what has happened. He's

given a tour of the school, and the inner stairwell of the entire hallway is, it's barred up like a prison, and he's like, yeah, I guess they were tired of scraping the kids off the floor after they jumped from being high on God knows what.

He's going to so many great lines who he's to show this student he hasn't seen in years showing him around the school and he's just like i signed up to be a school teacher not a zoo keeper oh yeah of course you say and he's like what do you expect with these kids 75% of them are packing weapons 45% are high 81% are living in one parent families and it's just like he can eyeball a room and be like yeah 45% high you know what what school is taking the statistics that this guy is reading. Also, coming from a one parent home, fuck you, dude.

You, Steve, no, this guy is right. You're a fucking monster. You're a lost cause, and you're a monster. And you're probably packing a weapon. And for all I know, you're high. You're high on, you're not just high, you're high on God knows what. Also, you just look at

a room, you can just tell that 90% of the kids there just don't have a dad at home. Like, just eyeball in that one, too? Dude, dude, man, do you know where I can score some God only knows. By the way, speaking of that,

Lewis goes to the school to meet that teacher and he goes to the bathroom right before he meets him. Oh, God, that's great. And this kid, who ends up being one of his students in Capoeita, is trying to buy drugs off of him. He's just like, hey, man, you got any blow? Because I got $20 bill. And he, like, unrolls his

Coke bill, brushes the Coke up, like, licks the Coke and, like, puts it on his forehead. Like, this is a real. like you're not casually buying drugs here like hey man hey man you holden you holden hey you holden like hey man you got any of that sweet shit on you he's like what do i get 420 i got 20 and then he's just like leaving because he's not a drug dealer and then the kids just like what do you think you're the only pharmacy in town it's like why are you assuming that this dude who's clearly older than you by the way is a fucking drug dealer the one thing about mark because

He walks into a high school as an adult that is wandering around the bathrooms. Dude, this is pre-9-11 high schools. You could just do that back then. Just tag out in high schools. Just waltz right in. Nobody, you're not signing anything. You're not showing any ID. Yeah, I'm here to see Mr. Anderson.

Oh, come right in. Yeah. And back then, if they asked to like, hey, what are you doing in this home? You'd be like, you know what? This is a public school? My tax money. goes to pay for this and I'm allowed in an inspection

and that might extend to the girl's locker room but I'm allowed that as a taxpayer. It's my locker room. I own this locker room ladies. The thing is that's Mark DeCasco's thing is it's not and you'd think like he'll be like

hey man why are you trying to do drugs you should do something better with your life. All his whole mission in this movie is to teach these kids Brazilian karate. That's it. Nothing. Nothing else. It doesn't matter. Like, he's not going to their home being like, hey, you should get a job. You know, is your mom okay?

Like, you know, like those kinds of scenes you'll see in a dangerous minds type movie. I'll say this. Even Jim Belushi was making sure that dude was doing his homework and writing those shitty poems about being a fucking hawk and all that shit. Well, I taught that kid out to read. Man, oh, God. Did Jim Belushi get more done as the principal than this dude did his Capoeita instructor? Absolutely. Absolutely.

but in a way that it's like this movie knows what it is and it's and it's like we're not wasting time on anything else there is a scene where you see them like sitting outside at a picnic table and like there's an open notebook and open textbook and the dude is writing something and it's after like they've they've taken to the lessons and everything so i think you're supposed to glean like all right they're learning capoeita and it's teaching them about like respect and responsibility and teamwork and all that other stuff. So it's like, it's paying off, you know, in dividends all throughout their life. It's like, now that I've learned Capoeira, I better get this kill list figured out. You're right there. My legs are lethal weapons. Man, that is something that these dangerous minds type movies never do. And I would love it, especially in the case of this, where he's like, I'm going to teach you a fighting style.

Like, you teach a bunch of these, like, gang kids, like, how to fight someone with, like, you know, sick things. fighting skills and then one of them just branches off and he's like a splinter cell kind of guy and he's like using what you taught him for evil that would be great and then like the teacher's the only one that can stop him if there was ever and only the strong

two which there never was and never will be that's what the plot would be that's like the CIA training the Mujah Hadin that's the news that I am out of here so he you know this Carrigan's like doing all sorts the backhanded racial slurs about how this place is a zoo, quote-unquote.

Sure is. And then all of a sudden, the fight breaks out between this Jamaican guy who's about 48 years old and the 16-year-old. 48 is being generous. I actually wrote 60-year-old Jamaican in my notes. And it's like he's beating up his little brother in quotation marks for not selling drugs. Might as well be his fucking grandson. And like, it turns to do it. Weirdly enough, these guys also know Brazilian karate.

It's that, hey, you want to do Brazilian karate with me? Yeah. Well, sure. I thought I was the only one around here that knew it. Everyone caught the bug back then. There was that period of time. I feel like, at least like when we were growing up, where, like, everybody was taking karate lessons and shit.

Like, I never did, but you had at least, I don't know, one out of every five kids in my, like, grade school classes were just taking. karate lessons. It was just sweeping the nation. This is like, you know, the late 80s, early 90s, early 90s, like, it was just a craze. I mean, that's why this movie exists, first of all. Yeah, well, it's all like karate kid happened and the world like got, you know,

fucking hit up in the head and was like, oh my God. Now we have to do, we have to, you know, make these other movies. Yeah, it's like, what other fighting styles can we turn into a major motion picture? I don't know. Capo, what's? it greenlit go so he beats the ever-loven shit out of these drug dealers like

really efficiently and awesomely it's so awesome the fighting in this movie's really cool like the fight it's really good strong fighting scenes and carrigan's looking around like say wait a minute and he grabs he's like you did something no one else could do in this school you got their attention it's amazing

like the whole school is like hey there's a fight which like they probably see 12 times a day yeah like hey this dude's beating up three guys at once yeah it's like oh my god look well it's a fight and they know how to fight you know because i'm sure usually it's just like a couple of dumb

kids smacking each other yeah pushing and pulling t-shirts and shit oh yeah the big Tommy Jimmy it's a well choreographed fight come on I mean at the by the time this fight is over with and Kerrigan is just like see what you've done and like there's this shot and it like goes around

and you see all the people staring down it's like the fucking prison and dark night rises So the next scene is We're in the teacher's lounge And you know, Kerrigan's given this impassioned speech About how teaching these kids Brazilian karate will really enrich their lives And everyone's kind of looking at this guy like

You're kind of full of shit, huh? Like what? I don't even understand the word you're saying. Are you high on God knows what? What do we just get better books or like, you know, you know, maybe like some TVs or computers something cool but I guess you know it's the whole like oh you know like if you learn karate or some variation of it you will learn like respect and things like that discipline so they're like all right you know split the difference we'll give you the 12 worst pieces of shit in this school and you can just take them off campus to you know some dirty derelict firehouse and then you'll use as a dojo and then you'll practice your Brazilian karate we'll check in later on we'll see what's up what i love is you know he's explaining how this could work and it's this like pilot program or ever and there's this one teacher who is against it from jump street till the fucking end credits of this movie and he just stands up like this is a bunch of bullshit

you want to do what and he's like talking all this shit and he's calling this dude crazy and what not and what's amazing is they sell the you know not student body but like the faculty on this idea by the thing that every school totally loves, which is like, hey, this guy graduated from here and he wants to come back and work for us. Like, they love the graduates coming back to help out. And this is an interesting thing you won't see happen in America much anymore. But Lewis there, the instructor, is a veteran.

You know, like he was in the military, and this teacher hates that fact. He doesn't think we should be looking up to those people. Oh, that's right. And he says, and he was a, he was a, Green Beret, down in Latin America, doing what? Training death squads? Man, that is a harsh accusation to make to a fucking veteran, dude.

And the other, the principal does it later, too, is like, ah, this guy's probably traded debt squads. It's just like, that's an established fact for some reason. These were the same dudes that were, like, spitting on veterans when Nam was coming to an end. You know what I mean? Real fucking scumbags. Well, it's back with the military, just didn't have a whole lot to do. We didn't have like six to eight wars going on at once.

So we didn't have as much respected honor for those gentlemen and ladies. It would have been great revelation that it would have been a great revelation if Lewis turned out to have been actually a death squad trainer. Sweet twist ending. And then he like infiltrates America. And he's teaching these kids. He's not even teaching him Capoeira. He's teaching him like all sorts of crazy kill methods and stuff. This is how you use fucking

Saran gas and a flame thrower And before you know There's Capoeita flags on the White House Like Cobra's taken over Man, that is a silly plot in that movie G. G.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra. So he gets, you know, long story short, of course it's a movie

So he gets his money. It's greenlit, yeah. And like Eric said, they go to this derelict firehouse Like the Ghostbusters. But unlike the Ghostbusters who just show up like this place is gross and the next scene it's fantastic we have to do the montage of let's clean up this

thing to like get the hobos ahead of there they kick out hobos they at one point say like someone's been using the floor as a restroom cut to the dude totally launches this fire hose at the floor and you're like yeah you're spending your afternoon

washing shit off of a floor I have to watch this in this movie the great part about this firehouse is it came with all the Firehouse stuff, unlike the Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters didn't drive around in a fire truck. They inherit a fire truck. It's like an antique fire truck.

It's like, leave it here, whatever. Old abandoned firehouse. Man, I was so pissed because like either cleaning everything up and it's like cleaning montage music and he's polishing up this old timey fire truck. And I was like, perfect. Somehow this fire truck is going to come into play at the end of the movie. Nope. Did not happen.

It's just a set piece that he jumps off of a couple of times. It's production value. It sucks, though. Like, run over the bad guy with that old fire truck. One thing he does at this trading montage or this cleaning montage is, like, all the widens are boarded up and, like, Kerrigan's using like a crowbar to get him out. And he's like, I know how to do this with Capoeita. And he like, Capoeita kicks it.

That's a really reckless use of your Capoeira, man. You could break your goddamn leg. Well, it's like in Batman forever when Robin's using karate to fucking. dry as laundry. Yeah, it's the same thing. You're totally misappropriating this, like, ancient art you've learned to do your fucking chores around the house. It'd be great if he did break his like the rest of the movie, he was just hobbled.

Like, yeah, I kind of, I had all these great lesson plans. We can watch his cap away to Phil. It'd be great if he's just crying on the floor telling Carrigan he can't teach the classes anymore. His career was over before it got started. I'd love it. So, you know, then introduce your typical ragtag group of dangerous losers, you know. But what's amazing is that there's like four of them that had like memberships to the actors' guild and everyone else is just extras that are some way, like, familiar with Capoeita.

Because, I mean, they're all clearly more or less like martial artists, yeah, you know, moonlighting as actors kind of a thing. Because all of these kids, at different points, you know, like they go to a beach at one point, you know, in the training sessions and everything. They all more or less take their shirts off at one point and they're all just like chiseled dudes. And you're like, all right, this is obviously like a 25 year old capoeira master or something. Except for my favorite, who's the open mouth fat guy. He's just got an open mouth the entire movie. Oh, man, one of those gaping mouths is like, ugh. Well, that's the only way he can breathe.

It really shows the stupidity, right? this kid needs help he doesn't do anything in the movie except kick the bad guy in the stomach at the end he really needs help but unfortunately the only special class they have in this entire school is capoeita

yeah capoeita that's like special ed right sure come on board I mean this guy it's so funny because he's just like I think they were the dude they were like all right darrell listen your character is the one that

really adds the spice to the group you make it believable that it's a bunch of students and not just a bunch of capoeira masters why is that well because you're the fat guy who clearly does not know capoeita well do i get to train in the movie no no no we'll let you kick somebody in the stomach at the end that's as far as it goes to show you there's even hope or someone like you well because this class there's supposed to be 12 kids in this class and there is a revolving door of these cast members because this fat guy vanishes from from the movie. They're training and getting better and the fat guy is just gone. Erased from existence. Well, because there's four actors and eight featured extras. And no one else can talk. Except for these

four guys who are the kid who plays music who's clearly gay. There's the kid from the beginning who wants Coke. This Brazilian kid, surprise, surprise named Orlando. And then

the black guy who's like the earnest kid who got beat up by... Right, the son of the Jamaican drug law. Not the son, the brother. Or possibly the grandson. I don't know what's got... You're a descendant. That guy is really, really old.

So, yeah, the first day, of course, is unsuccessful. You know, because he starts off with like, hey, you got to do this dance groove to get into it. And they're like, fuck you. Yep. I'm out of here. Yeah, he puts on the music that he recorded in Brazil of the capoeira theme.

Oh, my buddy said, oh, man, you got to love this. You got to listen to this song. Hey, man, turn that voodoo shit off. Hey, man, turn that voodoo fudge off. Sorry, I just want to make clear I'm going to make an effort to not cuss as much. I see. You're really concerned about that lady's angry review, aren't you? You know, we take all constructive criticism very seriously around the WHOHM offices.

It's true. We do listen to everyone's, uh, opinion. And Orlando is like, you know, this is bullshit. It's weird because he doesn't let on that he knows what Capoeira is. He's like, this is bullshit, man. This is like, you know, this is fairy dust stuff, you know, all sorts of stuff. And he's like, you know, I'll fucking cut you. He takes out the world's biggest knife. It's huge. You could fucking gut a shark with it. And he goes after the teacher with it. First of all, you're arrested. Second of all, you're expelled. From here on out. Like, no matter what else happens in this encounter, you're gone. Yeah, but this is

one of those schools where that shit happens so much that it's just like, well, that's a Tuesday for you. You know what I mean? Like, that guy's not getting in trouble for pulling a knife. You know why? Because last week he pulled a gun probably. And they're like, well, thank you. Orlando? Now you left your gun at home. Just like we

asked you to. Very good, son. Just like a Brazilian, bring a knife to a gunfight. But you're right. Like, he goes after this Capoeita teacher and the kid knows Capoeira Like, as we learn later, his cousin is the bad guy in the movie who is a fucking Capoeita master named Silvario or some shit. Like, he comes from a long line of Capoeita Masters and doesn't say shit to this guy. This city loves Capoeita.

Let's not fucking bullshit around. It does. And Silvario there, he comes from the mean treats of Rio de Janeiro and I know the real Capoeira. And you, you, I don't know, Santo. you're not good enough for my prima. You have seen this movie a lot. Yeah. It's a classic.

DeCoscos disarms him really quick and he's like, hey man, don't play with knives. And he's like, Keanu Reeves? Kind of. He's a little Keanu Reeves-ish. And he's like, Hey, Orlando. And he throws it to him and he catches it. He's like, you get to keep your knife. Like, are you fucking kidding me?

Well, because... You stood up to me. That was the test. Hey, go kill somebody with this. I mean, let me tell you, that guy doesn't need a knife, though. He's not threatened by Orlando. That's what he's saying to him is like, listen, kid, take you a little sticky blade. I don't care.

Yeah, but he could kill somebody. You disarm a kid with a weapon. You should keep that weapon. Listen, Steve, let me ask you something. Is it Lewis's job to police these children 24-7, or is it Lewis's job to teach them the ancient art of capital? away to it. Also, keep in mind, he might go back, that is very true, but keep in mind, Orlando might go back to that school

where another kid would pull a knife and potentially do something. And obviously the way to stop a man with a knife is a man with a knife. Yeah. And you know what? A bigger goddamn knife. It wouldn't, you know what, it wouldn't hurt. So Orlando needs that knife. Hey, Orlando,

here's a silence pistol. You earned it. Thanks for standing up to be disrupted by class. Hey, Orlando. Here's a pound of Agent Orange. Do with it what you will, bro. Agent Orange is not good enough for my primo. You have to give him enriched geranium, just like we used to have at the streets of Rio de Janeiro. So this guy, let's just get into Silvario for a second.

Well, God bless him, sure. Skip around. He's eight feet tall. This guy is a Frankenstein monster. I was assembled in Rio de Janeiro. By a mad scientist. I have the brain of a serial killer. I'm like if you gave all of the worst parts of city of God a voice. That would be me, Silvio.

I am nine feet tall. He's like Shao Khan meets Goro. Oh, my God. And he's got this, he's got a great, flowy purple's blouse on, and he's got a ponytail. Man, this is one of the best ponytails in cinema. history because like I appreciate a dude who's like you know what I'm going to have a

ponytail and you're going to one put up with it and two see how much I take this ponytail seriously this is a kept ponytail this ponytail would kick your teeth in if you fucking turn your back on this

ponytail is a deeper voice that he does you know what though this ponytail does not have it it totally needed remember that dude in a best of the best two that's got like his ponytail as a weapon yeah yeah he puts that rock in his ponytail that's what silverio needed was a rock at the end of that ponytail otherwise it's a flawless ponytail he would have won the last fight oh i'm sorry spoiled it he doesn't win the last fight sorry and sylvario kind of becomes the movie it's weird because the first act of the movie

is dangerous minds right it's like yes fuck you teach we're not going to listen to you and oh my god wait maybe teach us something to say and then at a nowhere it just right turns to do an action movie. Which, you know, thankfully it does. Good on this movie because unlike you two, I had not seen this movie growing up, which I feel happens a lot with some of these movies. Well, specifically this one. Well, I mean, you know, wait till we do the episode on Weekend of Bernie's 2.

I got you all beat 10 times over. But I hadn't seen this movie. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, man, there's kind of just nothing going on. It's silly, you know, but it's just dangerous minds. and there's the scene at the basketball court where, like, Lewis goes and tracks down Orlando, and he's like, hey, man, why are you being a dick? You got to come back to class, blah, blah, blah. And he's playing basketball with a bunch of his buddies, and they attack him and beat the shit.

He beats the shit out of all of them. Like he doesn't, everybody in this movie. And Orlando's like, my God, that's pretty cool. Oh, you know what's cooler? My cousin Silvio. And then, like, this fucking Mercedes pulls up, and Andre the giant's taller cousin gets out. taller, leaner, badder, cousin. And, man, these slacks.

Like black slacks, this purple blouse. Like, this guy means business. Yeah, he beats the shit out of all of Silverio's underlings. He's like, you know who's better? My cousin. And then lightning strikes a statue, and the statue stands up. And at this point, the statue, Silvio, ends up offering Lewis a job training his henchman for the drug cartel or whatever. That's what I love.

He's like, listen, man. Because this could just easily be like You get out of this town I never want to see your face in my neighborhood again But he's like, no, no, no, no, no You're really good at what you do Train my henchman Which is fantastic

The hero of the movie is offered a job by the bad guy It's great because he goes like You know what, Santo And he stopped and looks at his His henchman Who all presumably speak Portuguese He goes, that means saint He literally says

Santo, saint You know what son? Santo, I'm going to call you Santo from now because you think you're so great, but you can teach my man. Like, what do you teach your man? I don't know. You do better Capoeira than this guy.

Yeah, he is better than Lewis at Capoeira. I think it's only, though, because he's bigger and stronger. I think it's like, I think there's like some line in there about it. He's like, Is Santo, you teach them the basics. Then I will teach them the real street fighting of Rio de Janeiro, and you're not good enough for my prima. You can be like the level one instructor and just get all

the nitty-gritty out of the way. I figured it out, actually. This guy's actually Blanco with, like, Joker peach makeup on. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if Silvio got caught in a rainstorm, you'd see his neon green skin. That ponytail

goes orange. It's happening. It's like Krusty the clowns swimming. So he beats the shit out of Mark the Cosco's like, maybe you aren't good enough to train my man, Santo. And he goes, that his card goes away

and then the movie kind of goes on there's like two movies going on one is the rag tag group of nothings three of them allowed to talk you know and the other one is this like drug gang like getting pissed off but they only like every once in a while intersect like there's no like

you know let's be clear Silverio has no grand scheme there's not any like you know tonight at midnight when the boat comes into the dock the vague drug trade is underway. Like, there's nothing like that.

He hates school. He, like, literally kind of hates you-gooders and people who go to school. Like, he's just, like, that asshole in class. It's just the typical villain, like, I will poison the school, like, destroy society. Well, it's weird because, like, the Brazilians

are friends with the Jamaicans. Like, the Jamaican gang and the Brazilian gang are buddies. They're both, like, you know, working together. But it's only you see, like, the Jamaican are the ones that are dealing all the drugs and I think in this case, by the way, it's specifically cocaine. It's 1993. We're

in Miami. Yeah, it's cocaine. Yeah, I mean, these Jamaicans aren't dealing weed. Like, it's just they're, they're dabbling strictly in cocaine here is what they're getting out in the student body. But yeah, it's just this whole, like, I'm going to poison the school. Problem with that is, school's totally poison. You won

Silverio, that place is a fucking shithole. Like, why don't you see scenes of Silverio go into, like, a nice like, all-girls Catholic school? and just he gets like one like you know chick on the inside you know what i mean i will turn you out to a drug dealer it's like he's so into just being a drug dealer he's not even trying to have an army of prostitutes he's like no no no no no no just gonna turn this whole all-girls school to a bunch of fucking addled coke head and then loves what he does you know the girl's lacrosse teacher

like gets uh gets in his face he's like what's a matter you a santo he's on look at the santo lacrosse teacher and then he beats her to death here's one thing that I was getting frustrated with in this movie and I guess that's because like the kids aren't supposed to be taking it seriously like the cap-a-waita training or whatever

but you have to go to this every day it's what they use in place of their gym class right like they don't have PE they go to the old firehouse and do cap-a-a-a-a-all-of-these kids are trying to like flip around and kick and shit wearing like steel-told fucking boots and tight-ass jeans

like somebody put a pair of shorts on for this well it's weird because in the first day he's like all right everybody everybody leave come back with baggy clothes and no shoes and no one ever listens to him no one listens to a goddamn word he says it's just fucking doc martin's everywhere they can't afford baggy clothes and no shoes we gotta wear shit that's two sizes too small yeah it's other on hard times They haven't bought new clothes in, like, years. Look, I can't afford to walk around barefoot, okay?

Well, that's kind of the best part is, like, Orlando challenges him. He's like, Orlando, you've got a lot of grid. You've got, like, you reel to potential to be great at Capoeita. And he's like, how are you going to pay my, are you going to pay my bills? My mom doesn't work. You know what I mean? Like, I sell drugs. My family eats.

He's like, Capoeita. Like, he's got no answer to that societal problem. That's true. It's just like, you hit the Capoeita, you hit the books, and hey, you never know. But you're right, though. There really isn't an end game here. It's just like, listen, your teacher wants you to stop being an asshole. I don't care about whatever else you have.

And again, ah, God damn it. Jim Belushi's visiting kids at their homes in the principal. He's rolling its sleeves up and doing shit. Oh, yeah, I would really like this guy to pull up to Orlando's house. house while Silverio's over for a nice dinner and telling him to do his homework. Guess what, man? Hey, Silvio, you ever think about playing for the Bulls or what? Oh, okay.

I'll get a job pushing up daisies. That's my new line of work. Hey, Severio got a pretty good spin kick there. Oh, God. Yeah, there was real good, Silvery. Oh, wait, I'm a ghost now? All right. now it's a haunted high

Jim Belushi's haunted high God damn that's great I would I would love if that you could replace Rick Moranis in Gravedale high with Jim Volusci and Ghost High or something Haunted High you know what yeah do that and make that Ghostbusters 3

they got to go get Belushi Oh God that's great Hey so Mario who's that dead white guy That's me I'm a go go go go go ghost Thanks for nothing, Silverio. I had season tickets to the Bears this season.

I can still kick you here, Ghost. I'll kick you in any realm you insist. I am Silvario. But in the real streets of Rio de Janeiro, I can kick through dimensions. Oh my God, Silverio, interdimensional ass kicker. So the program's going really well. It's going fantastic. The Snooty principal shows up, but he's,

he watches a demonstration of great, like, Capoeira, and he's like, oh, my God, this is, this is incredible. He's like, oh, Jesus, this needs to be in every school everywhere. This is, let's just turn these kids around. This piece of shit sees dollar signs with this. He's like, well, you took the zoo, and you just turned it into a Capoeira studio, and you're like, uh-huh. And he's like, listen, we got to franchise this program. He's like, hey, Lewis, you know what your big problem is? You got to figure out how to turn this from 12 kids to 12,000.

thousand kids and he's just like wait what i'm but one man i don't think this firehouse could hold more than 18 kids we're gonna have to definitely wheel this fire truck out of the firehouse i mean that's for sure man santo you need to train the 12,000 men how else will be good to take the white house the rise of the cobra rise of the sylvia and i mean you know everyone's super thrilled about this that he they get to go on a field This field trip is fantastic. It's the most useless like plot diversion I've ever

seen in a film. The movie stops for 20 minutes. Yeah, but it also serves as like the catalyst for like shit starts getting real after they get back. So he's like, all right, the principal says like, you know, whatever you need, whatever you need, Lewis.

I mean, this is just fucking fantastic. I can close this petting zoo once and for all. Oh my God. Can they all get baggy pads? Can I Cap way to two. So he's like, anything you need. And he's like, well, now that you've been mentioning it, man. Cut to they're on a graffitoed bus going on a field trip.

And it starts to get a little dark. And this is where we go, oh, no. It's from the city out in the wilderness. I thought I was going to watch Jeepers, Creepers, too. I was like, when did that real start? No, the difference is this movie is not directed by a convicted pedophile. Damn right.

Unconvicted pedophile. Anyway, so they go out to this, you know, they're going to like a beach and it gets dark and all the kids are like, oh my God, I don't know what's out there. Like, there's monsters outside of Miami

and they're too afraid to get off the bus. So these kids sleep on the bus. They all sleep on the bus and then like the teacher and I believe the lady teacher who's also his high school girlfriend. She works at the school, too. They sort of rekindle their

romance during a rainstorm in the firehouse very briefly. Yeah, it's kind of like, it's the lost threat of this movie. Hubba. Hubba. She is dating the uptight teacher who's against Kappaway to lessons from the start. Yeah, the guy that accuses him of training death squads. Yes, exactly. The best

side note on that about, this is not a secret relationship between two teachers. Like, he confronts her in the, in the schoolyard, he's like, hey, my students are saying you're making eyes that other guy. You're making me laughing stock

of this school. Like, are you kidding me? I'm getting picked on by these kids. Getting bullied by these goddamn cap away to zookeepers.

I don't know else in this movie talks like this. For no reason. They're all uptight. That's, yeah, that's an uptight people

sound in this universe. Well, yeah, in this universe I like to call Earth. Hey, Santos, you need to relax and lower your voices.

Oh, talk however I want to talk about that damn it. I hate capoe it. Don't you want to learn how we talk on the real streets of Rio de Janeiro? I hate Bill Clinton's America. God damn dead squads all over the goddamn place.

Fucking ink and I'm a surplussed my ass. Fair enough, Santo. So they're on this field trip. He possibly fucks this woman on the beach and it's really nice, but you don't get any of that. You just wake up to all these sweaty teenage boys baking in a school bus. Yeah, because they also have to close all the windows because you never know what's going to get in there. monsters or bugs either or

and now we're just doing Capoeira on the beach Capoeira on the beach and the soundtrack decides to kick in a little bit and then this song is unearthed Zoom Zoooooo hapuera

Matao Matao Zoooooooo I did not see this I mean you could have put a gun to my head I've been like you gotta guess what songs on next and you know a lot of

people say, like, well, anything's possible. It's impossible that I would have guessed that song. Like, oh, I don't know, the Zoom, Zoom, Zoom song, how did he know? Hey, Santo, this song would be great for a car company. Now that they made all my money from the drug trade, I'm branching out into buying the car companies. I would have loved it if like they're, because they're like, you know, hopping around on the beach and, like, practicing in the sand and he's teaching him how to flip and everything. And they're like playing in the ocean, zoom, zoom's happening. They're taking pictures, probably for the fucking press packet

for this money-hungry son of a bitch that wants to franchise this capo wadal lessons. And I'm just waiting for like that little kid that looks like Arthur E. Newman to like stick his head out of a bush and be like, so and then go back into the bush quietly. Speaking of old television. I know. It's been years since I've seen those commercials. And thus heard that song. It was just really out of nowhere.

It was fucking great. Trip back to the old days. And apparently, like, he goes up to Orlando, and he's like, hey, Orlando, why aren't you having such a great time on the beach? And he's like, I've got to do something from my cousin. I'm torn between these two worlds. You know, I do cap away to two hours a day and live in a slum the rest of my day and have to eat somehow. And I don't know how to reconcile these two halves of myself. Hey, Maestro Stevens, is it possible that when I become a Capoeira master, I can, like, kick trees and money falls out of them?

Oh, no, then I'm probably going to have to remain a drug dealer. Well, you never know. If you work hard enough at Capoeira, you could maybe end up training some death squads. And that pays good. That pays real good. And guess what? Fully government sanctioned. So we go back to school and, like, Silvio, Silvario is kind of a loser.

I'm sorry, like he's just hanging around this. He's got nothing else to do. He's like a Miami-Townie. He is. You know what he is? He is a cap-a-way to master, tough guy drug lord Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. These cheeks stay the same age. All right, all right, all right.

party at the moon tower. I can see it from here. I am enormous. Hey man, are you smoking a joint? It would be real cool if you did. Santo. I mean, yeah, he's just a big loser. He is, and he's like, where's everyone been?

And everyone went on a field trip without me. He's like, you weren't supposed to do a drug deal last night, cousin. And he's like, pushing him a little bit. And he's like, hey man, back off. He's like, I will kill you, Santo. Okay, I started the drug deal. It's just so people would hang out with me. I've got no friends.

Oh, man, I would love it if he just broke down as a big blubbering, friendless baby. But so they get into it a little bit And they're like getting ready to square off And then somehow the police show up It's the one and only time Before the end end of the movie That like the police department gets involved And the best is the cop shows up

And he's like Ah, Silvio I think you've got a hundred yard Restraining Order against all schools Wait a second Yeah how do you get that right? Where did that come from? I swear to God she said she was 19

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to have sex with people of age. I guess that would make me a Santo. You know, the real streets to Rio de Janeiro. It doesn't matter to age. I don't even know what accent I'm doing. It kind of sounds like the Count from Sesame Street. It's all a bunch of garbage this episode.

Don't worry, guys. None of this makes a whole lot of sense. So there's castles in Brazil, right? At least the Nazis built some. They had to have. They couldn't live in anything but. He's a Frankenstein. See, it's all making sense.

He's a frank. There's Romanian parts in addition. How else do you make them that big, right? So the police are like, you better get out of here, Silverio, before we call the sex police on you. And the guy has had enough. calls all of his Brazilian gang members and all of his Jamaican gang buddies, and they lay waste to this high school. For what?

Because this is where his cousin would rather be. This is where he'd rather spend his time. Oh, going to school. And it's also, I think, something where it's like, Silverio's like, wait, wait, a place that won't have me, well, then that doesn't exist anymore. Hey, Silverio, I got all this prime product. They're also doing something with hot cars, like a chop shop shop's going. I was like, hey, I got like, you know, six Mercedes.

You want to chop those up? No, no time. I have to lay waste to this public education system. And these dudes just go in here, and they are breaking tables, throwing garbage all over the place. And most importantly, Silverio lights a classroom on fire. And it's the classroom of, like, the main dude. What's his name?

Kerrigan. Kerrigan. Cagney, I don't know. Hey, see? Hey, get out of the school, Severio. What are you doing here, Sainny? And so, yeah, they beat the... What's great, actually, is Kerrigan gets a punch off to one of these thugs and knocks this dude out, and it's awesome.

And then Silverio's like, that was cool. And then just, like, pounces on him. There's, like, they pile up all the, like, wooden desks and just, Here's the thing. This is where Silvario slips up. You're going to throw a bunch of gasoline around this room and light the desks on fire and whatnot. You got to throw a little of that gas Kerrigan's way. Yeah, yeah, man.

You know what I mean? Or offer to have him train your henchmen. Hey, Santo, that was a good bunch. Can you teach my men to punch like you? Well, clearly Kerrigan is not a cap-of-way to master. He's an old white bald man. But it doesn't matter. Anyone that defeats one of Silvarios is offered a position.

Nice punch. That's a good resume, in my opinion. One of his henchmen dies of cancer. Oh, very good, cancer. Did you perhaps be interested in the position? So Vario has got it covered. So Kerrigan's cook it up, right? The whole classroom. Cook it up like a goose.

The whole classroom's going up. And the other two kids who aren't Orlando and are allowed to speak of this, we were like, oh, no, it's Kerrigan's class. So they run upstairs. There's one kid Donovan, who's like, he's the music kid. He remixes the beat to make it really cool. And everyone can like, he's like, he really, he gets on with the maestro's plan real quick. You know what I mean? Well, because when they're first introduced, he's got that boombox.

And then Lewis is like, as an instructor, you're thinking he's going to be like, you shut that goddamn thing up. He says, turn that music up. Yeah, totally blown in the mind. flip the switch man i never thought a teacher would tell me to turn my tunes up so donovan and this other kid go and save carrigan really quick and then donovan's like oh no the maestro's like paste stick it's like it's a music stick thing it's like uh i don't know like uh weird sitar almost no it's not a it's it's not a bandolio i don't think but it's it's basically like a stick and there's like one string on it and if you hit it at different points like the tone sounds different Yeah, it's a Brazilian banjo. And I mean, it's what, like, the dude uses to, like, get the beats going kind of a thing. It's sentimental because his friend from the beginning gave it to him.

And he thinks the dude's just like, God, if I just give him this fucking stick, you think he'll just get out of here already? And then Lewis is like, wow, what a gift. Yeah, it's a gift. Just take it and get out of here. I've got ten more. Yeah, he sells him at the beach all day. He got a fresh stock in the gift shop. Hey, here's this beer bottle full of it.

a colored sand. Do you want to get out of here? So he goes in there like for no, like honestly, the maestro would not approve Donovan. There's no reason to go in there for that stick putting your life in danger. No. And he goes in and sure out. And it's kind of hilarious too because like the kid standing on the other side is the Jamaican kid

and he's like, Donovan, come on. And you can clearly see this kid's like struggling with smoke inhalation. And he's like Donovan, really, man? Come on. on and the kid's like and he's like Donovan come on Donovan and the kid's just like dead He's like Donovan

Yeah because the Jamaican kids Not going in after Donovan No you told him once not to go in Donovan Donovan only gets one warning And that's it That's it for Donovan That's a wrap on Donovan

Everybody It's fantastic because then like Lewis runs in And the Jamaican kids just like Yeah He went back in there To get this for you And the guy's just like, oh, Donovan, what's fantastic. This is one of my favorite moments of bad acting in the movie is the fire department drags this kid out of the burning classroom and they have him laid out in the hallway.

And when Lewis, like, runs up, the firefighter has, like, just set him down. This firefighter takes, like, one sort of, like, half second to feel for a pulse and he just, like, waves his hand away, like, eh, he's dead. Don't bother. Just walks up. away. I'm like, she waves the paramedics away from the scene. Where is the CPR? Where is the oxygen mask? No, nothing. You know what? Forget it. The whole

building's on fire. Well, Tony eyeballed it, so that's it. I guess that kid's dead. And then they don't even have a fucking funeral for this kid. It's kind of just the last it's really even talked about. Well, it is, but Lewis gets pulled to the principal. Well, I thought you were great, but now you're a

piece of garbage. Get the fuck out of my school. God damn it. Ah, I told you he Detroit Dep Squads. That one of those whole school's a dead squad. There's a dead kid in the class. It really makes no sense that they like freak out. The leap of logic doesn't make any sense. Like obviously it's the Silvio character.

Nope. No. No. That fire was good. And then all of a sudden this like moustachioed school cop shows up who's a character. He's like, I always knew you'd fuck up. Who the fuck are you? Whatever you say, Ralph.

I don't even know how he's just, he's just a security guard. He's seen at the very beginning of the movie. movie. I recognize them because you do not miss a mustache like that. Nope. So this dude comes in push broom at all and he's like, I'm going to take you off the property war criminal. He's got that. He's got some sweet ass volleyball sunglasses. Yeah, this guy is like Bert Maclin, FBI, like really shitty looking cop. I would love to see this movie from his point of view. And it's just like, I think she's so good with that Capoeita. Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you now, Mavis. He's going to botch you.

And when he does Oh, believe you, me, I'll be there. I will be escort them right off this campus. Because that's what I do best, Mavis. I escort people off property. Also known as taking out the trash. Oh, Ralph. Now kiss me.

So, yeah. Then he eats a bucket of chicken wings. He's escort him off the thing. And the gym teacher, by the way, the fat gym teacher comes up and they, oh, look who it is, Mr. Pretty boy. Mr. Kiki Feet. Way to grow. You burn that kid real good, pretty boy.

And it's like, not really. Actually, all I did was teach some kids some Brazilian martial arts. And it just spiraled out of control with this horrific drug dealer. It's got nothing better to do. Oh, is that what you did in the Army, pretty face? So, you know, this dude is pissed, Lewis, that is. And, you know, the greatest act of revenge, he goes and gets himself kidnapped after laying waste to one of Slaveria's

chop shops in what is by far the greatest scene in this movie. Oh, it's a great action scene. Oh, my God. A guy takes a chainsaw and is fighting a Capoeita master with a chainsaw. And let me tell, I was listening to this with like headphones on and I didn't, I wasn't

paying attention because I was like down, jotting a note in my phone and the volume on this chainsaw effect scared the shit out of me. And I look up and I'm like, did Netflix just change over to Texas Chainsaw Massacre? What is how? This dude's waving this fucking thing around. It's hitting like car doors. Sparks are flying. It is fantastic. He beats that guy up. This movie turns into

like tough turf out of nowhere. And like he beats that guy up. And then all of a sudden this guy with a blowtorch comes out. Oh my God. He's got no face. He's got the Welder's mask on. He's like, he's fighting Vader. It's fantastic. Because it's like, it's like, yeah, I was hoping this dude was about to turn this into a flame thrower, but it's kind of more badass that it's just like a welding torch, because he's just going after him with this torch. And then everything comes

to a head, because, like, Lewis kicks everybody's ass. Everybody's down for the count. And what they're doing is they're lining cars in this cop, uh, chop shop rather, with drug money. Yeah. Like the money they make selling drugs, they're lining the inner walls of the car with it and then sending them off wherever. I told you, Primo,

I would move on to the cars after the drugs. So it'd be great. He's like, what are you doing? You're supposed to be graffito tagging the school. Well, actually, Stelvary, we just thought we'd actually like move some money tonight. No, that school has not yet

been taught a lesson. Not until that school is ashes. If you need me, I'll be in my Mercedes made out of cocaine. I call it the Blomobile. I'm going to go to that

McDonald's, that shot changed me and burn it to the ground. I'm going to go to that library where I owe approximately 67 cents in late fees and lay waste to it librarian and all. I will be

repaying it instead of cents but with 76 souls. That smart mouth librarian, Santo. I will send her to hell. While he's doing all that, let's actually make money in this drug gang.

line this car with $10 million. He's just trying to read a book in the library slowly turn the pages. Like what? I've brought this movie to a crawl Santo. It's a dictionary

and he's not through the S's yet. Hang with him. So then to really, really stick it to Silvio, Lewis fucking sets this car on fire with the Torch and dumps a full can of gas.

Does it pour it? Nope. Sets the fire first and chucks the can in the car and this thing goes boom, baby. Oh my goodness, it's great. And then he's just kind of fighting a bunch of people who gets kidnapped by the Jamaicans. Like he finally gets overrun by Jamaican. Well, just finally somebody's like,

hey, let's all attack him at once. And I know it's the standard action movie, cliched argument. But really, no more than this film of the one-on-one fighting. Like the Jamaican guys are standing around like, these guys are fucking stupid. And then they just gang up on them

and take them down in two seconds. Hey, let's punch him in the face. Here's an idea. Guns. There's zero guns of this movie. Maybe you look one or two. At the end, they don't even get fired. I think Silvario believes in honor

in like the fatal combat of your own pants. Now you also have a sword librarian. Fight me. So he gets kidnapped and it's like, this is the last scene of the movie, Santo. And all of his, you know, it's like, I will now kill you because you try to teach kids how to do a calisthenic exercise.

This is the logical extension of this special gym program. We all do it with an end like this. This is what happens in the public education. and they all line up and it's like okay now they will watch us fight to the death and just when you think like things are going south for lewis the 12 well i guess 11 rip donovan uh the 11 worst kids in the school line up in like somehow they all got matching cap away to uniforms i don't know where the fuck that chick came from never in this movie is discussed or are they handed out i mean they never went to a pageant never went to a contest or a championship or whatever. They just somehow all called up. Someone did a round robin and it was like, we're all wearing white, no

button shirts and white pants. Make sure you have it because we don't want to look like idiots when we get out into the front lines of this fucking war. If you don't, don't worry, I found Kerrigan's wallet in that school. So, you know, we're just picks him up on the way. Don't worry, I found Donovan's allowance. Yeah, I wanted

to Donovan's house where his mother was inconsolably crying and I stole her wallet. Because she's so upset. I'm better dead son that we never talk about this movie. That's just life in Miami, man. You know, that's just what life, you know, the kid, the kid just be completely turned around. I'm sorry, woman, but that guy really shouldn't have taught

these kids physical exercise. They should all just resign themselves to be fat like that fat, gaping-mouthed kid. Who makes the triumphant return for this final scene? I guess that kid was just away on some sick days or something because he's just magically back in it. He's magically back in the move. Not that it matters, really.

I mean, he kicks, he doesn't kick Silvio, but he, like, kicks one of Silverio's goons in the gut or something. Or he might kick the Jamaican guy, actually. I think is what happens. Well, that's good, Santo. Maybe now I will take you one. I feel like anyone that gets a hit, Silvario should offer a job.

Just offer it up a job. You can teach them the strong art of kicking someone in the gut and also eating donuts, apparently. And, you know, like, It's a karate fight. It's a capoeida fight. It's badass. It's really good. Here's what I was reminded of. Minus a broken spewing fire hydrant.

It's like the fight on Danny Glover's lawn at the end of lethal weapon one. Because it's just all dudes standing around watching a shit kicking barn burning fight. And it's awesome. And there's machetes involved because, you know, that's what we're doing. We just got some machete. There is a hilarious moment where Silvio like comes down on Louisville. his machete, and it totally breaks off like a Bugs Bunny

Sword, and he's like, oh, no. Like, he looks at it, like, it's broken. I think he cuts Slaverius ponytail on this fight, though. He gets a little bit of his hair. It's not the whole ponytail. That's what I thought happened, and I was like, oh, my God, you have cut the head off the Hydra.

Holy shit. Now he's powerless. Now that you've cut off my ponytail, I've grown another head. We are Silverios now. I am Janice Salverio. And it's an awesome fight. It goes on.

It's just an awesome fight. And like, there's this weird code of honor where they're like, okay, we're not going to join in. All these drug dealers who's like financial well-being is tied into this guy. They're like, no, no, no. Boss said stay out of it. Let's stay out of it. It's their job to keep the beat. And then this is what's great.

This is one of my favorite parts of this movie is Lewis Stevens wins the round with Silverio through the power of song. Yep. Because all of Silvario's dudes are doing their chant. And then when it looks like Lewis is down for the count, all the kids start doing the chant that they learned from Lewis. He kind of pulls a Hogan, really. Dude, I was thinking if Lewis started doing like the hand wave, like I can't hear you. Like his hand just kind of raises and it starts to shake, it starts to shake, it starts to shake. And then he just like, you know, jumps off the top turnbuckle and really sticks it to Silverio.

But, yeah, like, their song overpowers the other song. And then all the Jamaicans and the Brazilians are like, well, these kids got some mighty fine singing voices. Better pipe down and let him win. Donovan loved that song. What's Donovan's song? We sang Donovan's remix of it. He should have been there as a forced ghost in his own little white outfit. This movie needed some force codes.

And then, you know, like, Ewok's A champion. So this. But do you walk Capoeira? Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, they can finally tear down the giant statue of Silvario and Rios de Eugenero. Everyone celebrates around the world. Oh, man. And then so, yeah, like he's defeated.

The gang runs away because the cops come out of nowhere. There's this great thing where one of the guys, one of the guys thinks like, oh my God, I think our boss is going to lose. Let me pull out my gun. And the kids like, hey man, let's go. They kind of let the kids do anything in this movie because the kids do abs.

It's really, it's the Lewis show. It's not about training the kids. It's about how good this guy is a Capoeita. I mean, that's what you're presumably selling a ticket on. Yeah. Is this dude is a Capoeita master. Yeah. I mean, I was reading up on this guy.

I mean, he has mastered like a ton of martial arts. The list is crazy. And he's got, like, it's like a laundry list of, like, championships. I mean, this dude is the real deal, which is why it's kind of frustrating. I mean, I get it. He's a little older now, but he's just fucking wasting his time on fucking Iron Chef. Like, who gives his shit? Who knows?

He's fucking great. Jackie Chan's still making movies. Why can this guy be flipping around still? Because he made only the strong. He had box office poison, right? Touche, say, Dick. All right. And, I mean, you know, he wins.

And then, like, um, the, The cops come back and they're like, oh, you know who this is? He's the biggest drug dealer in town. And then, like, Orlando again, it's just like, you know what? I am going to put, I'm going to burn my family the bridge to my entire family because I'm sure my mother is going to love that her nephew is now sent up to prison. Yeah. Who's been paying the bills for years.

And I tell her why? Because my gym teacher told me to. My special gym teacher told me to do this, so I'm going to send my cousin up the river. I mean. Like, I get where we're coming from with this criticism of Orlando's actions. Yeah. But at the end of the day, Silvario is a murderous drug lord. Oh, no, he's a bad dude, and he deserves it.

I mean, Orlando is doing the right thing in this situation. You know, I know he is. I'm just saying it's a little unrealistic that he would do this, but sure. But, I mean, he's making the sacrifice because he understands, like, look, this guy's a scumbag, and he's not doing this neighborhood any good. Yeah, that's true. He's going to have to change his name, move. like think about in 10, 20 years when Solverio gets out of prison?

Oh, Silvio's getting killed in prison, I feel. Are you kidding me? No, because let me tell you something. All the people, because here's the thing. Silverio, he's probably loyal to you if you're on the outside, but once you're in jail, he just kind of forgets about you.

So then he goes in, and all these dudes that have worked with Soberio's gang. Like maybe all the Jamaicans are like, you're right, Silverio, we're cool with you and the Brazilians on the outside. But in here, you're fucking cooked. And they just kill him instantly. Because you can't have that kind of dude rising to power in prison.

Because he probably would pretty quickly. And they've got to put that fire out before it gets started. Fair enough. I'd like to see Silverio on Oz. His one cameo episode and that he's fucking putting a wall. Hey, other beastie, you cut me in the lunch line. I would stand for that. Beecher, you promised me you'd get me a job in the laundry room.

You are a lying scum. Man, I rewatch that show one of these days. What a fantastic program. O'Reilly, why are you reading that book for Idiot? So, by far the most ridiculous scene in the movie is the end. So it's high school graduation. We'll go through it just really quickly here. It's high school graduation.

And they're like, congratulations, everybody. You all graduated. And then they're like, and by the way, this year we had quite, a successful pilot program, even though a fire was started and the school was rated by a deathly drug gang. R.I.P. Donovan, by the way. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. That dude needs like a

portrait on an easel with a fucking wreath around it. But nobody gives a shit that this kid's dead. They're just like, well, successfully 12 students, 11 students passed the Capoeira program. We only had one fatality,

which actually for this year, that's a new record for the school. that's probably honestly why they don't recognize his death is because you're fucking losing kids every month there it's a bad school so they're like you know we had a lot of success and here's one little surprise and the kids have gotten louis's buddies from Brazil to come up and start doing like a cap-a-weighted demonstration in the auditorium and everybody's going fucking nuts the boys from Brazil man it doesn't make any like if the end of this movie makes sense if like

Maestro comes out and he's like all right boys you ready to go and they all put the kids put on it the demonstration you're right how on earth did they track down these dudes that were just hanging out with him on the beach and also if a high school graduation isn't long enough you got a

fucking you just imagine this dad who's just like folded that fucking program over and over again well that's the other thing this goes on for way too long they get the teacher involved and you know he's flip flapping all over the place. And again, it's awesome because Capuaid is awesome to look at. It's a very beautiful martial art form. But all the parents of the kids that had nothing to do with

this program are just sitting there going, what the fuck is this? Like, what am I sitting through right now? Some, why can't you prance around like a fairy like that? You're fake kicking. Why can't you fake kick somebody? What's a matter with you? Hey, hey, my son's a goddamn valedictorian. Why don't we spend more time with him? Yeah, but does he know Capuleta? Didn't think so, nerdlinger. Yeah, your son's a valedictorian with a D average. Good for you.

Oh, man. And that is only the strong. Who's recommending? A strong recommend. A big, fat old recommendation. I was telling everybody before this, I had this on tape. It's one of the tapes that I wore the fuck out. I mean, it's, it's not a good movie by any means.

It's actually a great movie. So I would say you were recommending it also? Yeah, I recommend it. Like Steve, I watched this a lot growing up. It was on that, that, uh, HBO a lot of it. Yeah, yeah, it was on the rotation, definitely heavily. Yeah, I'd recommend this. I would totally recommend this movie.

It's a strong recommend. It's fun and shit. It's ridiculous. But, I mean, like I've been saying throughout this entire episode, Capoeira is awesome And I know we have We've gained this surge of Brazilian listeners Which is cool

If you guys have other Capoeita movies that we can get our hands on That is some bad ass shit And I would watch them But this movie specifically is hilarious Because it's dangerous minds Meets Capoeira fighting Which is fantastic

I want to do a real quick Professional second opinion Ah yes Roger Ebert hated this movie One out of I think what He does five stars He did a four-star system. It was a rare miss for Roger, for sure.

So Roger Ebert says the message of a movie like Only the Strong, building on the fascist undertones of its title, is almost cruel in its stupidity and navete. It's almost a relief that a few people in the audience for such a film would even remember if it had a message or not. That's, yeah. The movie doesn't have a message. It's an action movie.

Yeah, I don't think it has a music. It's a fascist allegory. I understand there's a weirdness to it because, like, a lot of the detractors in the movie say, they don't, it's not like something like, uh, like karate and it's like, all right, you never want to be in a fight. You know what I mean? You just want to know how to do it. You want to train yourself. Like the whole point, at least at this movie, it's like, you got to beat the shit out of somebody in Capoeita, man. You got to, you got to get your fucking feet dirty.

Yeah. Earn your key. They do a lot of like practicing stuff where they're not hitting each other. Yeah. There is a moment where like one dude accidentally kicks a kid in the. Like Orlando gets kicked in the face by the Jamaican kid. Yeah. And the principal is like, holy fucking shit.

Oh, you said to your mom. And then like, Kerrigan's like, hey, man, this time last week, this kid would have shot that kid in the face for doing that. Yeah. They like make up and like, oh, are you okay? Yeah, they like shake hands. I mean, so like, there is something going on. But there is no like, you have to do this in order to achieve this. It's just like, get these animals under control.

God damn it. Right. That's all there. I mean, that's why there's no real message. It's just a it's a venue to showcase this dude's martial arts talent in a film setting. So it's like, well, what's he going to do? He's going to help inner city kids who are hard on their luck. Fuck it, whatever.

And maybe there's a drug dealer. Oh, he's kind of a robot Frankenstein monster. That's fantastic. Why not? Well, it looks like you're doing terrible in this job interview. There's only one way you're going to get this job. Want a Brazilian karate fight, man? That is only the strong.

If you want to get a hold of us, more information can be found on WHMpodcast.com. We're on Facebook. We're on Twitter. We're on email. You can find all the contact info on the website. Eric's program, Blame it on Outer Space. Blame Spacepot on Twitter. They're on Facebook.

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what? Fuck it. We'll split the difference. Some people like it. Some people don't. And that's WHMpodcast.bancamp.com? I believe that's what it is. Check out the contacts page just so we make sure that that's accurate. I'm announcing where to find our stuff in the form of a question. Do not put a question mark in the hyperlink. Please do not.

The hyperlink will not work with a question mark put into it. Yeah, that's about it. It's nice to be back. So this month, here's what it's going to be. So it's going to be like, these are all the things you can get if you listen to We Hate Movies month, right? So here's a brand new episode, us talking about a bad movie. Next week, we're going to drop a live episode. Week after that, it's going to be a side order of sleaze.

but in regular release form so you guys can get a feel of what that's like too. Bring a new audience members in this week this month, that's what I feel like we're doing here. So that's it. Next week, live episode. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Eric Siska? Steve would say that. Take it easy.