We Hate Movies - S4 Ep126: Cat's Eye

Episode Date: October 15, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang goes back to the Stephen King well with the horror-less horror anthology, Cat's Eye! Where is Alan King getting the funding for this enterprise? Why is the cat seeing Drew Barrymore's ghost everywhere? And who on Earth needed that troll running around? Plus: Louie Anderson eats cat hot dogs. Cat's Eye stars James Woods, Alan King, Robert Hays and Drew Barrymore; directed by Lewis Teague. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Seda. And we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes.

Dead is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. Coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicter Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for Foxy's using one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies.

Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. We're creating a lot. Put the fucking illusion in the bag! What an excellent day for an exited. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the program.

If you're new and a first-timer, thanks for checking us out. And you're here just in time to hear us talk about the first anthology film we've ever done on the show. Anthology horror, one of our favorites. I mean, everybody loves a good anthology horror. You got your creep show. That's a big one. Creep show is a big one. Creep show, too, not so much of a big one.

the ABCs of Death, VHS. By the way, the one we're talking about here today is 1985's Katzai, directed by Lewis Teague, who was last featured on the program and we talked about a little film called Deadlock. Ooh. Yeah, remember back then?

I do. Before all the flying cars and time travel that we had now. Written by literary of underkind and car crash enthusiast Stephen King. I say... It's either that or J.G. Bellard or whatever is it. They actually do have...

The Shining by Stephen King on Audible, and that's narrated by Campbell Scott. Whatever happened to Campbell Scott? I mean, the secret lives of dentists, how about the secret lives of actors? Yeah. Do you have blue late night talk show cards

sitting over there? It's called doing a show. It's called Being Prepared. You chug a beer I feel like Campbell Scott Like

I appreciate Campbell Scott because he almost never yells It's like I'm not doing it my dad did Yeah you're right He's like a guy and you know every day And he's like I'm not gonna raise my voice dad You can get all upset I'm just gonna fix this VCR

I feel like he's gonna swoop in when he's old And like start raking in these awards right Like I feel like he's biding his time He's like I'm gonna be an old guy actor Yeah. Well, The Secret Lies of Dentists, I thought, was an okay movie. But by the way, Campbell Scott, correct me if I'm wrong, comic book expert, Steve Sadegh, was playing Mr. Parker in the Spider-Man movie. He was and did in the amazing Spider-Man movies. You know what? I just had a lightning bolt about Campbell Scott and it will actually get to Cat's Eye. I think his whole career was kind of sideswifed by Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey kind of just has that like authoritarian, like, well-brained. kind of... He's got that market corner. It was him, and then he also was getting

double-teamed by Kyle McLaughlin. And the two of them just fucked them right out of Hollywood. Could you imagine Kevin Spacey and what was that movie, Roger Dodger? Oh, yeah, Roger Dodger's a good movie. Oh, yeah. That qualifies under one of those

We Can't License the Catcher in the Rye movies. Roger Dodgers is another one of those. Hey, so Katzai, you could make an anthology of those movies. cat size that anthology i thought this movie about an evil fucking cat yeah i for years seen this box cover and it's just drew barramore sitting there with the cat and i was like oh maybe the cat's evil makes her do some evil stuff kind of a thing cats are good the cat is the hero of this movie goddamn hero cat and to get this right out in the open this is some grade a cat acting

this cat is a phenomenal cactor i feel uh is a thing that i should make up uh we talk about dogs a lot of the show people like good actors but this cat is phenomenally trained exactly when we were looking around for movies i i was like you know we've had so many dog thespians we need some cat driven cinema because you know i'm a i think i'm the only cat owner of of the crew yeah i'm horribly allergic to them and i'm horribly in love with them differing opinions on we hate movies uh so yeah this is it's written by step King directed by Lewis Teague like we said starts off by the way with a prologue that sort of introduces us to this cat and it's like how many Stephen King references can we cram into the first

like two minutes of this movie the cat's like being chased by Kujo it almost gets run over by a car that says Christine on the back of it's the road where all Stephen King movies intersect yeah where's little Miko Hughes getting fucking smushed by a semi it's one thing to be like okay it's kind of clever if you know you've got a dog that looks like a little bit like kujo and then a car it's literally kujo it's literally kujay or a car that looks a little bit like christine but the bumper sticker says i am christine on it hello beep beep it's like wearing that it's like a Halloween costume a batman Halloween costume where it says hi i'm batman on it well that i always hate it if it's like one of your kids has like a really shitty Halloween costume and you don't

want everybody to be like so what are you supposed to be You just put Batman on it, so all the other parents and teachers know, like, oh, God, that's Batman. All right. Oh, hey, Batman. Looking good. You know what I mean? Just make the kids feel better about themselves. But this is a car, and why would you fucking put that on the back of a car?

There should have been like a clown smoking a cigar, like, I'm here, too. I was waiting for, like, a balding 40-something actor to be walking around trailing an axe behind him. That doesn't happen. Or those weird little, like, mouthballs from the Langalears. Oh, yeah, the Langalears. The Langalears. They look like clams with teeth. Or Anthony Hopkins wandering around being old, going, who all these dogs are missing.

What's going on with that? Hearts in Atlantis? I didn't see that movie. Or yes, I did see that movie. I saw that movie, but I can't tell you much about it. He's got, like, sort of psychic powers and bonds with a kid. I don't know. It seems creepy. That's not the end of the Stephen King references, though.

In the first segment of the film, uh, someone, James Woods is watching the Dead Zone on TV. Oh, God. And quoting along with it. And he, like, he has the line, like, who writes this shit or something like that? It's like, oh, I get it. Oh, I really get it.

Oh, that's hysterical. Speaking of a movie that I would, like, we spend so much time on the Dead Zone. I'm like, oh, man, I wish I was watching the Dead Zone. it's totally like 10 to 15 seconds of a close up on a television that's playing the dead zone I almost turned it right off and put the dead zone on final Stephen King reference the mother in the third segment of this movie is reading pet cemetery oh one one you missed Andrew is uh Morgan Freeman being arrested for murder which is the beginning of the Shawshank Redemption and you didn't

so this cat somehow hitches a ride to New York City Like, who's chasing him, and he runs into the back of this, like, truck, like paper truck or something? Oh, no, it's a tobacco truck. It's a cigarette truck. There you go. Yeah, bring in everything full circle here. And, yeah, I mean, this cat knows to hide, which I don't understand. Like, cats don't know.

Like, cats are very smart animals. No, they know how to hide. No, they do. They're not going to be like, oh, something's chasing me. I better hide in this. It's an Oliver company move. They've done it to me. No, yeah.

You know, they get under the bed. Watch out. so this movie I think the best way to talk about this movie is just to go segment at a time because there's no the only through thread here is the cat and it amounts to fucking nothing

just fuck all nothing this cat it doesn't even matter and oddly a lot of these horror anthology usually have like at least four stories behind them this one is just three it's a brisk like 90 some odd minute movie yeah everyone's like 20 something minutes

it's like three twilight zone episodes back to back yeah just like not good Twilight Zone. No, they're lesser than. So the first one, James Wood stars as a guy. They don't have titles, so I just have to, like, do like a logline. James Wood stars as a guy who's trying to quit smoking. And I didn't, again, I did not know this is an anthology movie. Even while I was watching it, like, I didn't even pick up on it. So I was like, okay, so like, we're going to go through with this whole story, but then it switches it. I'm like, oh, it's an anthology movie. In the worst way possible. Oh, by the way, this is, this movie has one of the,

the laziest IMDB plot things. When you go to its page on IMDB, it just says, a stray cat is the linking element of three tales of suspense and horror. Great. Barely, barely is this cat the linking element, by the way.

So the suspense and horror of nicotine withdrawal. We open on James Woods, a mild-mannered, I don't know, business-ish man, who... It's the eddies. He's a businessish man. He's got a tie. So he loves smoking cigarettes and he wants, you know, he's going to quit.

So he goes to this company to quit. Like it's called Quitters Inc. And he's like, you know, this is the time. He's going to fill out their forms and he's going to quit. Meanwhile, he's filling out these forms and there's a man like weeping next to him, which is hilarious. And like the dude's wife comes out and she's seriously fucked up. She's like, she's in tatters, her clothes or hair. She's just, they worked her over back.

there they really did and yeah he's getting nervous he's like should i leave i mean he's james woods so he's already on edge because that's his his whole thing and he's it's he is like that that james woods type of like uh but because he's a smoker he like ups it you know like it's like james woods times five he's like jeff goldblum if he was a nasty prick you know what i mean that's kind of the james woods like it's a little he's very smarter than you but he fucking nosy smarter than you and he will not hesitate to tell you at all times that you've been outsmarted by the great james woods and i love james woods but that's just his demeanor's there's no shame in being beaten by the best we were beaten by the best boy and his friend is like

don't worry man it'll change your life you know you're smoking you want to quit they will make you quit so he's like you know what i'll fucking do it just for a laugh and he goes in and to his dismay Alan King's running the whole outfit. That's a big red flag right away. Oh, no, Alan King. We've got a comic from the 60s. This is where you wound up after you left the cat skills. So evil Alan King's heavy, this weird

bearded guy goes out into the streets and finds our cat, the titular cat. Roaming the streets of New York City now because the cigarette truck went to New York, obviously. Didn't go to Maine. which is a big, no main in a Stephen King movie, get the fuck at, no thank you. I think it almost totally invalidates your project, Stephen King, if you don't set it in Maine.

How am I possibly going to take this series? And by the way, where was Stephen King Boulevard we just saw at the open of this film? Was that in Westchester? That doesn't belong there? No, it doesn't. I don't know where the hell this cat got picked up with. So they grabbed this cat and take it back up to the evil corporate layer

of Quitters Inc. But before, actually, I almost forgot something here, before this guy grabs that cat, the cat sees a mannequin come to life who is Drew Barrymore. She's in the third segment. And Drew Barrymore, who's like a ghost in a mannequin,

is telling like the cat to save her. This, I mean... It's the creepiest part of the film, probably. It is, but do you want to talk about shit that goes nowhere? Yep. This apparition in a mannequin that this fucking cat sees goes nowhere. Well, the thing is, I mean, it's really about, this is like Stephen King was tasked to write a movie.

Like, hey, Stephen, we love you. Here's $100,000 for an advance. Write us a movie in two months. He's like, no problem. And he's like, oh, fuck that movie's due tomorrow. And he's like, looking through his short stories. He grabs two and he's like, I don't know. Get out of here.

Cat. cat and he just he wrote the third which was the only original piece and then like he just kind of peppered like two little crappy references to what the third act is going to be apparently and again this is just i mdb trivia so who knows anything from anything but the cat was supposed to have a longer prologue that explained the cat's position on everything and like the cat's motivations for where it was kept on showing up late to set hungover hired a real party cat so much catnip all over its nose the trailer it's just full of turds and catnip jingles is fucked up again god damn it's like

wired but with a cat Lewis Teeggs just trying to kick it a kitty speedball that poor tabby is that like a breed of a cat a tabby cat you know what I'll never learn in my life breeds of cats

I just know tabby, and I kind of guess everything's a tabby, but I know only this kind of cat. I can tell you, like, a Siamese cat. I know what those look like. That's as far as it goes. And I'm fine with that, because I'm never going to have a cat in my life. All right. So, you know, James Wood sits down to Alan King, and Alan King's like, listen, kid, you're going to quit smoking. You didn't fill out your form the whole way.

Where's your daughter go to school? And he's like, I didn't think that was pertinent to the investigation about my, quitting smoking. How about this? I'll let you keep being an asshole and you can let me keep being a successful businessman. Fill out the form.

So he gets down to it. Basically the whole thing is this. They work off like of fear, like of threatening people. They scare people into not smoking basically. He opens this curtain and we see this weird room and there's our little

cat, the cat of cats' eyes. is sitting there and I was like hey it's the cat from cat's eye and he's like now watch what happens if you smoke a cigarette and this floor is like electrified and this cat just starts getting zapped and they work this kitty over and it's unfortunate because again you know this cat hates it's like oh fuck oh god damn like you know what I mean like some scenes the cat was fine with like getting pet by Alan King I'm sure it's a blast but then you throw him in this room And, I mean, he's not getting electrified, but like, he's being annoyed. Yeah, that is, you know, that is some method cat acting.

And that cat, yeah, they really overstepped the boundaries, probably. So he's like, so here's what's going to happen. You smoke a cigarette. We're going to bring your wife in here, and we're going to do that to her. And he's like, oh, geez, fellas, I know, I guess it's okay. I won't smoke a cigarette, but this seems a little extreme. And he's like, oh, you think that's extreme, huh? uh well how about this uh you smoke two cigarettes we're gonna beat the shit out of your daughters

uh my daughter's mentally handicapped that seems a bit really extreme all right third one palio you smoke three cigarettes we're raping your wife and it's like wait excuse me i was like hang on a second movie in no way was i prepared for this why would you start off with the torture chamber Yeah, then move down to beating somebody up and then back up to rape. Why don't you fix your, like, escalating penalty scale a little? Step four, we're going to step on your foot. Step five, Holocaust. Step six, step on a crack, break your mother's back.

Step seven, how do we make money? It's a mystery. I don't know how. There's no thing about, like, It costs $100,000 a week, Pallio, and you ain't smoking no cigarettes. And he's saying, like, you know, that just when you think I don't have anybody on you, there's going to be five guys on you. You're going to be watched at all times. You know, you might see a few of my guys, but you'll never see all of my guys kind of a thing.

Like, really gets into James Woods' head here. And I think the premise of this came about, like, you know, it's the 80s. There's, you know, some people, you know, we're not. yet but the whole like anti-smoking movement yeah it was like picking up steam i was just thinking maybe this is just stephen king on these these pc bastards oh yeah i'm sure stephen king always has an a extra grind like he was at a party he lit a cigarette and someone was like that's disgusting it's like short story they're monsters you know what i mean like i'm being tortured by these people right now i get it you want to rate my wife excuse me i just asked you to put your cigarette

Oh, you're not going to rape my wife, God damn it. I'm pregnant, okay? Yeah, we've got to rape my wife with his cigarettes, huh? No, I just, I don't want to deform child. You're a rapist. The weirdest thing is, Alan King is like, we got a real sick guy on hand that'll do the job for you. So this guy is just cooling his heels, waiting for somebody.

Like, oh, man, I can't wait. Phone rings. We got one. This dude goes to work. oh man he's just he's got a stipend you know he's got a nice little room just getting all worked up waiting for it

waiting for the next big day man i fucking hate smoking so much just makes me want to rape everybody it's so weird stephen king i'm sorry you're a weird guy this is a weird idea it's a really

weird idea so james woods goes home and you know he's all paranoid this is when he's watching the dead zone so that's when we're watching the dead zone just thinking about the dead zone and I'm like that's a better movie that's a movie that has a clear cut idea that I could get behind

and he's like he ends rummaging around like by well he's looking for a cigarette that night he didn't get the message at all and then he like basically it's pretty much confirmed there's the assassin in his closet there is someone

hiding in a closet and it's so stupid there's these two boots these two rain boots and you're like well you know maybe they're just standing up there or maybe someone is standing in them and he throws an umbrella in there and someone like grunts yeah he's he's got an umbrella and he's like ready to beat

someone in this closet and he opens the door and there's no one there and he's like his thing a golf clubs falls out he beats the golf clubs with the umbrella and then throws the umbrella into the closet and he just hear and he starts like talking to the closet because he's just

like terrified to confront this person thing i don't get is where does alan king get the money for this like what the game makes no sense but the game at least makes a little sense in that like at the end of the movie michael douglas gets the bill and he goes who i'm rich and this is too rich for my blood yeah exactly it's like well you're paying for it yourself michael douglas and that's the end and it's probably three million dollars by the end of the game yeah but this it's james wood he's like upper middle class like how much can he be giving for round the clock surveillance i feel like it's just like Alan King just likes

doing this. I'm really good at getting people to quit things. Also it's really weird that they specialize in smoking. Yeah. He doesn't ever say

like, you know, we can get people to quit booze, quit drugs, quit gambling. It's only smoking cigarettes. Like, that's it. It's really weird. Non-marijuana. No, nothing. It's the PC police, man. That's what they want.

You can't even smoke in parks anymore, man. What's next? I can't smoke in an airplane. The idea of smoking in an airplane is science fiction. And I smoke some cigarettes now and again. It exists. It happens. No, I know, but that's what I mean.

It's so insane to think about a world in which you're in a fucking tube, a pressurized tube in the sky. And everything is fucking just so. And you're like, you know what? I need to light a cigarette right now. Yeah. Yeah. Let me fire a. up my old fucking butane lighter

here and just... Funny story about that when I was a kid... Well, it's a short story. Sort of like a Stephen King short story. Me and my family were flying to Europe in like the really early 90s and my father had to sit in a different part

of the plane because he was a smoker. And he was, and just smoking in the airplane. That's so fucking crazy. I know. I think it was because it was like going to Europe so I got the tail end of it, but it was just like I... One of my early child in memories is smoking on an airplane.

Well, not me smoking an airplane, but it's just like bringing a gun on a plane being like, what, it's my right, I got to bring my gun. Like, that's, what, is that weird? Is that strange? Hey, you know what? If I live in a land where I cannot bring a gun on a plane and then smoke a cigarette while I'm waving

my pistol around, well, I don't want to live in that America. It's like Alan King is trying to rape my wife. Like, that's what America is doing right now. So he's paranoid and he's like you know he's got a cigarette and he doesn't light it and he's talking to the man in the closet and he's like just go tell alan king that i'm just i did not like this i did not

like this cigarette okay can you do that for me can you just say i did not like this cigarette okay don't please don't rape my wife and you know he calls alan king the next day he's like oh my you got to get me out it's like you can't get out i arbitrarily am going to watch you for the rest of your life now it's ridiculous and so to a little while later he's in a traffic jam and he opens his glove box and there's a fucking pack of cigarettes there and he's tempted and how are you a real

how do you have a smoking problem and you still have cigarettes just lying around like you smoke until you're done and it's you know you get the next pack nobody hoard cigarettes and it's not like an alcoholic hiding a bottle of whiskey in the toilet and even if he did like hide you know cigarettes around he'd remember that he hit them that you know he'd be like oh those are my rainy day funds Oh, those, those, those are my car cigarettes. I'm just picturing his car and Christine having a smoke together now.

Because they're car cigarettes. A car smoke cigarette? Yeah, car smoke brake. Exhaust pipe or something. Ah, Christine. Traffic. Before he gets into this traffic jam, he has a party at his house or it's like a work party or some shit. This is the most ridiculous scene in this segment.

So he's like walking around this party and everybody is smoking. And it's a really disgusting, like people are smoking cigars and a lot like big fat fucking cigars. And there's a haze of smoke everywhere. Why wouldn't he just throw a party every day? The secondhand smoke on this thing. Yeah, that's a good call. Well, that's something that Alan King doesn't really set up. Like, you know, no, also listen, by the way, if you find yourself in a situation where you may be in taking some secondhand smoke,

smoke, I'm going to run your dog over with my car. I'll go easy on you. Because he put a tracker in his lungs or something. If you smoke a sheesh, I'll give you $10. Yeah, it's weird. I mean, it doesn't make, none of it makes sense anyway. Well, that was the funny thing was, I'm watching this movie, you know, like Alan King's explaining the rules and everything.

And I was like, so can he smoke weed? Is weeds still cool or what? What's, what's, hey, Alan King, I'm really. terrified right now, Alan King. But before I leave this office, I have one question with you. Can't smoke grass or what? What is the weed policy? What is the chewing tobacco

policy? Yeah, I mean, it's, I think it's just straight up cigarettes. He's not concerned at quitter's ink with anything else, but people smoking filthy cigarettes. Also, by the way, if you're doing quitter's ink, why not like a nicotine patch? Did those exist yet? I mean, I don't know when

the patch came around exactly. I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure. There might have like lozenges or something. Yeah, there was definitely at least, I think the gum was around at the very least. You had the gum. But this party is like a political cartoon of smoking. I was expecting to see a pig

and a tuxedo and a top hat and a monocle come out, like say, old boy. Yeah, it's just like, somebody's smoking a big cigarette that says like American workmanship on it. It's being lit with a hundred dollar bill. Anvils that says Congress is dangling

above it. I fucking hate political cartoons. Can I just say that? I hate their fucking obviousness. And it's just always, everything's labeled for it, just so you get it. Well, no, Bart, that song is about the budget gap. This is about the deficit gap. Well, that's also why they put labels on kids dressed as Batman.

Just in case you don't get it. The pig says my wife is a slut. Well, that's a complaint. good luck getting that filled or whatever speaking of the game one of my favorite actors what the hell is this guy's name

oh James Rebhorn James Rebhorn is in this seed like being an asshole like he's a drunk cock he should have been credited as drunk cock in this movie he's fantastic he's like just drinking

yeah the big accounts coming up you know he's in all this James Rebhorn majesty and he's like hey you want to a cigarette? He's like, yeah, I quote it was like, what are you gay? Like, it is, it is an example of a 50 year old man peer pressuring another 50 year old man. Come on coward. And like, because, because James Woods is like, he wants a cigarette so badly in this moment. Like he's like, it's like this hallucination

where now, now he, now he, now his buddy there smoking like two packs at once, there's smoke coming out of people's ears. Yeah, he's, I was like, what isn't these appetizers? Because this dude is tripping balls. Yeah, a woman dressed as a carton of cigarettes walks in. Yeah, there's a couple of dancing cartons of cigarettes. What's great about that? It's one of my favorite parts in this whole movie is when he sees the

dancing carton of cigarettes, he just looks at it and the reaction on James Wood's face is like, well, that's stupid. He's like, well, that's obviously not real. And then there's a tray of appetizers with just somebody's face smoking a cigarette. It's like a big fucking Henson puppet. It's like

deviled eggs with eyes. It was like something at a peewee's playhouse. It scared the shit out of me. And then there was a painting of like Alan King out of nowhere. And like it had like real eyeballs and it was smoking. And then suddenly he appears in like a white suit walking down this the staircase of his house. And all of a sudden like a cover of the police is every breath you take starts playing. That is so strange.

And then Alan King's like lip syncing it and dancing. I was like what is going up? I know. It's like David Lynch all of a sudden. The cover. also when when the when they put the cat in there

they play Twist and Shout which is also a bad cover because this movie had like no money behind it and they were like well we want to get these songs like we need to have this terrible cover

of every breath you take this guy is no Sean Combs I'll tell you that much by the way that song that cover song is more so maybe than the cat the through line of the movie because that song keeps coming

that song does come back that's just the classic of getting your money's worth for those music rights that's for sure uh yeah so he gets in this traffic jam he smokes a cigarette and you know a truck like honks the horn he's like kneeling down like hiding in the car smoking and a truck honks the horn he's spooked and he sits up and there's one of alan king's dudes sitting in a car smiling like got you now fuck face and he speeds off you know james wood speeds home wife's been kidnapped alan king calls up well you should probably come to my office around five o'clock, assall.

We're going to watch your wife dance in a shockbox room. Trust me. This is economically viable. I swear it. This is covered by your HMO. That sounds like a cool, like, early 60s nightclub that Alan King performed at. The shockbox room? Yeah.

Oh, man. I had a killer set down at the shock box room last night. Got my ass kicked in the alley afterwards. I got a big. mouth. It's a little too up down for me if you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? Uptown. Hey, uh, you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to leave till you know what I'm

saying. So they got, you get a phone call the next day. You remember what I was saying, right? You just, it's a little bit up town. Uh, so, so he's stuck in this box and she's freaking out. And then twist and shout comes on. They start shocking the shit out of her. And James Woods is like being held down. There's like a little bit of a struggle. It's a lame fight scene. He tries to, like, throw a stool through the glass at first. Yeah.

What are you doing, kid? Oh, you can't break the glass for the shockbox room. It's breakproof. Rule number one. I know it's uptown, but come on, kid. You are veering dangerously close to Dracula right now. You are taking a right turn to Dracula. Eric Siska stars in too close to Dracula.

I can't do the voices with these kids, you know. I am Dracula, Cat Skills Comedian. Also, ran afoul of something up town. It's like Broadway Danny Rose, but instead of old Jewish comedians, it's all monsters. Sign me the fuck up. Yeah. That sounds great. Oh, yeah, sure.

I work with Dracula. That guy was a real fucking scumbang. Oh, he took all the good tips. hips out of the jaw. What an asshole. Oh, God. Dracula took my virginity. I haven't seen that movie into it. You had it coming.

What, Broadway Danny Rose or Broadway Danny Dracula? I haven't seen Broadway Danny Dracula in a long time. We've yet to make it. That's the problem. Well, you know, I'm glad we got some Dracula talk in on this spooktackerel. It's Halloween, baby. And I'd much rather talk about Dracula in the fucking shockbox room in this movie. You can't break the shockbox room.

I spent a million dollars on it. I'll never get it back. Lord knows where all this finance is coming from. Fuck it. What do you care? It's a Stephen King movie. Be thankful you're not in Maine. You're lucky we're not on a cram boat right now.

You're in an upscale New York City office. Hey, you better thank your lucky stars when I'm picking blueberries up here. Okay, asshole. Now get in the shockbox room and dance. Because this is a move. movie. And your wife is two cigarettes away from getting raped. Less

we forget my rape threat, we tossed in at the beginning of this segment. Ah, so he's like, all right, man, listen, I learned my lesson. I'm not going to smoke anymore. You got me. We cut, arbitrarily cut to six months later. James Woods is best buds with Alan King. He's like

weighing him. I'm like, oh, you're losing a little bit of weight there. You're gaining weight. Oh, he's gaining weight? Yeah, because when you quit smoking, you usually put on some weight. He's like, you know, hey, most of our clients will gain a little bit away, but don't worry. I'll give me these diet pills that fell off a truck. It's so great because he totally says careful when you're taking these, they're not really legal or something like that. I'm like, holy shit.

Pills are fine. But he's like, yeah, don't worry. Get hooked on amphetamines so long as you're not smoking three cigarettes a day. Oh, man, that's just the American pharmaceutical industry in a nutshell, isn't it? We can't have weed, but you can have fucking eight pounds of pills in your cabinet. Yes. Sorry, everybody else stepped out off my soapbox before I stepped too high on it. And, you know, they cut their best buds and he's like, but yeah, remember, I think you're max weight should be 165.

Don't go over it. I'll cut off your wife's pinky. And he's like, oh, Alan King. Oh, this is adorable. He's like, you didn't threaten to rate my wife two months ago. That's fine. They are some serious best buds. Oh, Alan King lecturing someone on weight management.

And then there's a shot of the wife missing the pinky. Right. So they have James Woods buddy from the beginning of the movie over with his wife. This is the guy who said like it's going to change your life, blah, blah, blah. You know, they toast to quitter's ink. And the wife's like, yeah, to quitter's. Like the friend's wife, not James Wood's wife. And she's like, yeah, quitter's ink, quay.

And then James Woods goes to clink glasses and he looks. and she's got most of her pinkies chopped off. End of segment. And I mean, really. End of segment one. I would be so pissed. If you were like, hey, Steve, you should really quit smoking cigarettes. You know, just go up to this company.

They're great. I went through it. I'll change your life. I'd be so fucking mad at you. The other thing about that, this is the tip to sort of get from this. If a friend ever, like, recommend something to you, and you're like, oh, that's cool. What do they do? and the friend responds with don't worry but it'll change your life it's either this segment of this movie possibly the game from the game some sort of fucking heinous hunger games like shit right or methamphetamines or met it might be meth all of those life-threatening situations but also possibly met and the cat by the way escapes from this evil corporate office what i love about this yeah the scuffle happens and the cat is just like oh this is stupid and just

It just runs out of the office. See, you bozos. He's like, oh, well, this story is really imploding on itself. I'm getting out of here. And what I love is we've, after the, you see the shot of the pinky, we go back to the cat. And the cat has gone downtown, hopped on a ferry. Yes. And manages to take itself from the island of Manhattan down to Atlantic City.

People who don't know geographically what's going on here. That's like a three-hour drive in a car. This cat manages to find its way all the way down to the boardwalk. That's right. It's no problem. And what I love about this, because this is like a real hobo kitty here because he's riding the backs of trucks. And then now he's down. He actually hangs out with actual hobos under the docks at Atlantic City.

And he eats part of a hot dog. Oh, that's right. And he's like he's got like the real dirt hobo life. How the fuck are you going to get a cat to eat a hot dog? I just, you know what I mean? Like that's got to take some time. You can't just put a hot dog down in here. You can't eat this hot dog.

They're very particular. That and how their teeth work. I mean, they're going to, it's, it would probably take a little while. Do you think it was a prop hot dog made out of cat food and they just shaped it into a hot dog? Stephen King's cat hot dog. They are interested in something. I'm sorry, cat hot dog just tickled me the right way. Is that unaudible?

Yeah, it's read by Louis Anderson. Oh, my God, these cat hot dogs. They're mostly for cats, but I love them. Louis, that's not in the book. You have to stick to the text. I'm just thinking about food. It's really hard for me to read when I'm thinking about cat hot dogs. You guys see me fall off that diving board or what?

That was embarrassing. You know, it'll fix the hole in my heart, a cat hot dog. hot dog oh god i don't even know oh god it's just cat cat food molded into a hot dog

normally i just the irregular shape cat food but sometimes it's more fun to shape a cat food dish into something else like a hot thong cat hot thong get this guy a job on the food network fucking

ten time chop champion you ever have cat food duck laurenge oh it's delicious so the cat leaves the hobo camp and thus the second story begins uh we're seeing some atlantic city fat cat not played by allan king and also this alan king's really good in the first one this guy's good in the second but i kind of wanted a bigger heavy i feel like this was kind of went to a couple of people and it came down to this guy i would have liked a supernatural alan king in all different scenarios that would have been pretty good like he's the devil or something oh yeah he was just the devil by the way did someone say fat cat i'm sorry that was a delayed joke who's gonna help me eat all this cat food

i guess i should eat so they're in atlantic city they're in atlantic city and so it's yeah It's this guy who's not Alan King. You're right. It is a poor replacement for Alan King. It's like, what's his face from Superman 3 being a shitty Lex Luthor? No, yeah, exactly. It's like Robert Vaughn and replacing. Well, that's kind of the whole movie, though.

It kind of goes down. We start with James Woods and Alan King, and it's like, okay. And then the next one, you think it's going to be like something like the Twilight Zone movie where, like, different stars and different segments. Yeah, these people just keep popping in to have some fun. Or creep show. Maybe Ted Danson's going to show up. Yeah.

No. Ted Stryker from Airplane. Trade down. And the Meg Ryan's father in Armed and Dangerous. Oh, that's the old guy? Yes. Oh, my God. This is the fucking D team they brought out for this second segment.

And now Meg Ryan's father is there on the side of the street in Atlantic City. And, you know, he's a big fat cat. He's got his, you know, his, I guess, like, tuxon or whatever. Yeah. And he's got a buddy. A buddy. and some chicks there. Yeah.

And they're like, you could bet on anything in this town. Hey, there's a cat across the street. Let's bet to see if it dies crossing the street. Oh, my God. This is fucking sickening. And the woman's weird because she's just like, oh, I hate cats. My dad used to kill him. And they're like, wait, what?

And she's like, hey, look a cat. It's like, never mind. It's $2,000 on the table. I love money. She gets all hot and heavy for money. So that guy and the girl are begging the cat to cross the street so it gets hit by a car. Yeah.

The old man takes the bet of the cat living. Yeah. And right, the cat will get across safely. Disgusting. Betting on life. And this guy's a real piece of shit because he's like, come here, kitty, come out, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Like, he's trying to do it. And he's like,

all right, if you get to do that, I get to do whatever I want. So the cat starts to go and then this old man causes a car accident, which like blocks the street for the cat to make it. It's pretty fantastic. It's a great move by this. guy this guy is a season gambler he's like oh you didn't say we couldn't do stuff like car accidents what's fucked up though is when the cat crosses the street and everyone you realize it's not

just these three people there's a crowd that is gathered like yeah fucking kill it come on cat no fucking die and i was like how atlantic city yes exactly uh it's still just an unacceptable place to exist you know exists there right now steve bouchemy he has an empire nearby but also Joe Piscopo is Joe Piscopo down in the A.C.? He's got, I think the Joe Piscopo

comedy clubs down there. Oh really? Good for him. Yeah. That's where he's at. Maybe a future we hate movies venue. It sure gets cold down there in the winter, Joe Piscoppa. Is that when we have our own TLC show

and we go to celebrities' places and make fun of them at their restaurant? We go to Michael Jordan's Steakhouse and laugh at it. That's right downtown. We can do that. That's going to be our space jam and Joe Piscopo, I'm sure we'll find, we'll do sidekicks finally. Hey, that's actually a really good idea.

Go to a place where a celebrity is and make fun of a movie they invented. I'm sure they'd love it. We'll do Dangerfield's comedy club for Rover Dangerfield. That's another local place. We could do that too. You go locally film the pilot, you know, and then we'll travel when TLC's paying for it. So, you know, he gets the cat, he's like, you, kitty, good luck, and he picks him up, and he's like, we got one more wager to bet on tonight.

And he goes at a car, and Ted Stryker, and you're like, oh, no. Ted Stryker's the other man? Yeah, he's just a dude, and he's putting his girlfriend on a bus. He's like, your husband's going to kill us if you ever finds out. You know, just wait for me, darling, you know, I did to get some money or something. something. And he gets abducted by Mike Starr and this other guy. Man, I'll tell you what, I love Mike Starr. He is always a treat when on the screen. And what's great is this character that he's playing. Yeah, it's just kind of like a tough idiot or whatever.

But he's like really stupid. And he's wearing this hilariously tight t-shirt through this entire segment. It's fantastic. A lot of hard nipples from Mike Starr in this movie. He's getting all aroused by the violence. We have time codes for that? He'll send him over to Mr. Skin, get them submitted. Misses Skin, right? So, I mean, they abduct him and, you know, he gets pulled in front of the guy. And obviously, you know, Striker's been banging this guy's wife and he's not too, none too happy about it.

And he lays out the plot. And he's like, look, you know, I'll give you, you know, I'll give you my wife and $20,000 if you could end your own life because I'm obviously going to kill you unless you do this. which is you navigate the ledge of my penhouse all the way around my Atlantic City building. One of the other things that he puts in this whole thing, because he doesn't threaten to kill him. Oh, that's right. Because Stryker is a retired tennis champion. Which goes nowhere. Don't worry about it.

Absolutely. Except when Mike Starr plants a big old brick of cocaine in this dude's like tennis racket bag and leaves it in his car. So he's like, listen, if you don't do this, I'm going to call the cops. going to go to jail. You'll never see my wife. But if you do do this and you go around the entire, you know, perimeter of my penthouse on this ledge, I'll give you, yeah, whatever the money is, $20,000 will take the Coke out of your bag and you can have my wife and that's the end of it. I think, I mean, I really want to be rich enough where I have about $100,000 worth a cocaine that I could just blow on framing someone. Like, that is really something.

Blow. No, no, you're reaching in the wrong suitcase. Take it from the bribery cocaine suitcase it's over there that's my private stash that's the good stuff but that's the shit it's still coke but there's a lot of like dishwasher detergent in it so the whole thing the whole segment really of this part of the movie is this dude just out on a ledge it kind of reminds me of back to the future too like that that part when uh marty's uh you know on biff's high rise there yeah right that's where they got it from huh because this came out first Oh, really? Can I tell you, this is a perfect place to bring this up because you just mentioned Back to the Future.

And this is a huge thing that stands out for me, and it's very frustrating. The person who did the music for this movie is Alan Silvestri. He did the music for the entire Back to the Future trilogy. This movie came out in 85, so did Back to the Future. The main score that you hear through this movie is just a little bit different, just a little bit different from the Back to the Future. theme and then just put through a synthesizer so back to the future you know they had a lot of money behind it's the big orchestration fantastic it's pretty much that on a john carpenter synthesizer and they change a couple of note orders around it's the laziest fucking shit you'll

ever see in your life and it's so frustrating well he had to score it using the film as a guide and it was laziest fucking film he ever saw yeah you're right it's not alan sylvester's fault it's this movie it's Stephen king and Lewis Teague's fault well he's like well if fucking King can just you know cobble together shit from his old work I can do the same thing this should just be called recycled

the movie so I mean and this is kind of the movie kind of stops you actually like this segment a little more than I did Andrew I find this one like I found the first one very propulsive I didn't know where it was going to go like what the fuck's Alan King going to do this one kind of stops everything dead

because it's just a lot of like creeping along that ledge just getting on get he's gonna get there I mean what I liked about it though was throughout the whole thing it's this old bastard trying to mess with him so he's out on that ledge and the guy like

he's like you hoo and he's like hitting him with a blanket and I was like that's kind of funny and then he gets to this window and the fucking window opens and this guy's got a horn and he's like he's got a vaudeville horn I don't know where he got this thing from he got it from 19 That's where he got this horn from.

And then he took it right off of Mark's Brothers Corpse. And then stole it from Harpo's cold dead hands. And then by the time this guy's like actually doing it, he's getting around. And I think there's like some nice looking car models, by the way, like model cars. There's some practical. Yeah, it's, you know, the movie's 85. So it's all practical effects. There's a lot of like reverse projection and superimposition and stuff like that.

It's nice to see. A little nostalgia there. And he gets around all the way around this building, basically. And then the old man's, his piece de resistance of annoying this guy is a fire hose. This fucking fire hose from like the roof of the building. And this guy is just like, ha ha. And he's spraying him with it. I think you could fuck my wife and walk around my building.

Well, it's great because this cat is such a good actor. All in his eyes. All in his cat's eyes. he's in the room and you can tell he's not cool with any of this. He fucking hates his old man's guts. He's hissing at him. That is a number one cat move

is the hiss and he's great at it. I hate it. I hate the cat hiss. When I hear a cat hiss at me, I want to punch it in its cat face. It's so annoying. I can't stand cat hissing. I remember right before Hurricane Sandy last year, we were coming back from a movie

that we got Cloud Atlas, which we got kicked out of, because they're like, hey, assholes, there's a hurricane. Do not watch Cloud Atlas right now. And we walked by this vacant lot, and there was this fucking rough and tumble cat. And he's just sitting there. Like, he knew a hurricane was coming. And I looked at him.

I'm like, five feet away. It looks me like, he's like, I'm going to fucking make it. And you're not because I'm a cat. That cat definitely means business. Yeah, absolutely. I have a cat. I've only ever heard it hiss once. Really?

Yeah. My sister's got a cat. I hiss is all the time. I cannot stand it. Oh, I guess maybe I just like one cat. Never mind. I got hissed at by a couple of security guard cats a couple weeks ago. Were they security guards in a building? Were they wearing little red jackets?

Yeah, I was on the Upper West Side, and I tried to walk into a nice apartment building, and cats hissed in me. No, I was walking home from the movies. Here's a little glass. Here's some milk for Christmas. That's your dip. No, I was walking home from the movies. I was walking with my neighborhood.

And there was this parking lot, like, behind this restaurant. And under the dumpster, there was a cat that was, like, clearly giving birth. Like, you could hear a lot of, like, baby cats and shit. And there was a bunch of cats, like, around the dumpster. And I just stopped because I was like, all right, I hate cats, but I just want to make sure, like, it's not like an animal in trouble or something like that. So I just looked, and I was like, oh, it's a cat, like, birthing a litter or whatever. And these fucking, like, five cats were just like, you best walk away. It was fucking ret- I was like, all right, security cards.

Yeah. Cats don't give a fuck. A little uptown for you. All right. So instead of our TLC show, let's mail an animated pilot to 1996 called Security Card Cats. And it'll air between SWAT cats and capital critters. And it sounds, it's a fucking, it's a lock. You know, you could maybe even get like that coveted position.

like usurp the Cadillac Cats out of that Heathcliff B-B-Side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a big fan of Calais. Speaking of the Heathcliff cartoon I brought up, Cadillac Cats stronger show than Heathcliff. Heathcliff was weak sauce, man. Yeah, Heathcliff sucked.

He was just fucking riding on fumes. And then you got the Cadillac Cats. They're, you know, they're roller skating. They're owning the junkyard. Heathcliff barely in charge of the alley. He was soft, man. He was just living that fucking house cat life and just like Thickety own that old couple. He thought that he could skate off like the steam that Garfield gave him.

But Garfield had attitude and Garfield hated everything. Heathcliff was just like a big, nice fat moron. He's a total poser, man. He was a poser. He's a big fat poser. So speaking of big and fat, this old guy. winds up getting bested. So this dude makes it all the way around.

Stryker comes back in the window. What do we do to set up is the pigeon, which is fucking hilarious. This nightmarish pigeon, like this pigeon, it's on its ledge, and Stryker's like, hey,

he can't really kick it because he's on a ledge. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. And the pigeon's like, no. And it just starts pecking at him and peck it at him

until his feet start to bleed. It's fucked up. At that point, I would be like, all right, I know it might throw me off balance. but I have to at least just like jut my foot out really hard to try to

like shoe this thing away. And it's just attacking him and his fucking little his little Argyle sock has just got this like little red dot on it. So he kicks the thing hilariously. And you think that's the last time we've seen this pigeon. What a nod to Hitchcock.

So he gets back inside and this old guy has just finished telling this assassin you know, now when I say good job Mr. Stryker, you come around the corner with your silenced pistol. So he gets in the window. Dude comes in and he's like,

I'm going to stand by my word. The cocaine's out of your car. I've got your money right here and you can have my wife. And the dude throws down this bag and a bunch of money and this chick's head falls out. Pretty cool. Pretty cool twist. Pretty grim ending.

I kind of dug it. Yeah, it takes a little long to get around that building, but this is where I'm like, oh, okay. And, you know, Stryker's a tennis pro, so he gets the upper hand out of this old man and this fucking 70-year-old goon. Yeah, he's like a retiring age assassin almost at this point. Dude mucks it up. Stryker shoots that guy hilariously. And then he's like, you know, I'm not going to kill you, old man.

I'm just going to make you do what you did to me. Like, he's out on the ledge and he's fucking with him. And then this pigeon comes back and just pecks his feet till this old dude just falls off the building. correction old dude does not fall off the building his cartoon falls off the building it's absurd i'm so glad you said that it's really really bad it's just so it's the shot of this building and then you see like this little animated shadow figure just like kind of stumble and fall it's there's no detail to it whatsoever it's a shadow person it's it's it's heavy metal it looks exactly out of heavy metal it's like fucking john candy you know it just goes right over the edge

Heavy metal man. Talking about making your skin crawl. So that dude's dead. He lands on his vaudeville horn and like the cat just watches him dead. And you're like, all right. The cat got you, I guess. Not really. The cat just kind of left.

Again, things got too heavy for this cat and he couldn't handle this. Yeah. It's always in the wrong place at the wrong time. He really is in the wrong place at the wrong time. He's a little forest gumpish. You know what I mean? like he keeps finding himself in these sticky situations

like, well, I got to go on now my planet needs me. You are correct, cat. I will not stand down to Cuba. This communist threat will not stand. Thank you for the great advice. The cat is mentally challenged

so he doesn't understand what integration is and it's so adorable. Wow, that's a movie I want to see. Spoon Feed Me American History. Thanks. No, we have to eat in this cafeteria. Come on. We just, we move on to this third. That's what I really hate about this movie is that the thread of this cat is just so barely there. Like you think about something great like Creep Show where they use the comic book. Yeah. As the way to, as the way to link all the things together. And you know, that's the other thing. With Creep Show, you know when Ted Danson turns back into a fucking comic panel, that part of the movie is over. with there's no real way to distinguish what's going on because it's not like the cat only comes in when the cat's going to take you into the next story the cat comes and goes whenever he pleases like a real fucking cat god i hate cats got a little louis anderson there yeah he can't so much i love their food i love their food but i hate them is it okay if i buy cat food but i don't have a cat do i have to fess up to that at the grocery store or what no no you're nothing on dry cat food Watching wipeout.

Sometimes the ones that are shaped like fish don't really taste like fish. It's really weird, guys. Wipe out. Excuse me, Louis. Could you get back to hosting the family feud, which is why we're here? I would love him going on like a long 40-minute tirade just. while the feud cameras are rolling. About anything.

It could be about eating cat food, how he hates his life. This really dramatic Pete, Paul Thomas Anderson, Magnolia music. Some kid pisses himself. Well, Louis Anderson just loses his grip on the feud.

And that's why tomorrow morning, I'm going to kill myself. It's something like, what do people buy at the grocery store? And there's like, uh, cat food. Oh no

To set him down a dark tunnel He starts talking about cat dogs He's fucking committed Some like executive producer At the back of the family feud studio I was like, what the fuck did I tell you? We can't put cat-related shit on the show anymore You know, my girlfriend was like Louis

You should have a turkey dog It's a lot better for you But I thought even better Cat food dogs It's better than turkey It's leaner than turkey me and it keeps my coat extra shiny. I think we're going to have to bottle that

until we find out where he lives and we could do an episode of our TV show. So this third segment. This cat, thumbs a ride to Wilmington, North Carolina. Again, no Maine. I feel like the guy's like, you want to go to Maine? And the cat's like, no. Are you sure?

That's where I was going. But you're such a magical talking cat. I'll take you anywhere. Oh, you want to go where they filmed Silver Bowl? bullet. No help there, but I'll keep driving. So we go down to North Carolina where we meet Drew Barrymore and her family. She's been supernaturally beckoning this cat.

And there's another one in the second one. It's just like this voice of this weird cat's head. Like, please help. It's getting closer. The cat is walking down some scuzzy Atlantic City street. And there's like a storefront that's, got a bunch of TVs, like, displayed. Oh, that's right. On the show, it's like, the cat imagines a show that stars Drew Barrymore

and another cat. And she's like, now, Mr. Princess, get in your high chair. And then she, like, turns to the camera and it's supposed to be, like, looking right at the cat. And she's like, no one can help me, but you, you better get here fast. He's getting closer. Anyway, Mr. Cat, this tea party. I was like, this is so fucking stupid. First, you were the ghost in a Manichin. Now you're on a hallucinatory television show. Explanation. Cat dementia. It adds up. Cat ain't too many hot dogs. That's for sure.

Cat should not eat pork. That's rule number one. I've been saying that for years. Could have been a kosher, Frank. All beef. So, you know, this cat finally makes it a Drew Barrymore's house. And she's like, oh my God, it's a cat. I've always wanted a cat.

And the mother's like, fuck, dude. Like, the mother's kind of great in this thing. This mother is a fucking pain in the ass. Oh, she sure is. This is the most despicable character in the movie. And we already met Alan King's character. The rapist. This woman is just like so shitty to Drew Barrymore.

It's like, no, you can't have a cat, you fucking idiot. And she's like, but I just, no, you have a bird. What do you think would happen if a bird in a cat? Don't you watch fucking cartoons, you moron? Once I would say to you, I would be like, hey, mom, this isn't fucking Tweety Bird and Sylvester. The bird's in a cage. The cat's not going to get in the fucking cage. Yeah, the bird's not flying around the kitchen helping an old woman bake muffins.

Those cartoons always bored me, the Sylvester and Tweety, by the way. She finally was like, all right, you can have the cat, but it can't be in the house after dark because we got a bird and I'm really afraid of cartoons. And she's like, okay, that's terrible. And, like, Drew Barry Moore's not into it. So like the first, and at this point we see, here's the thing. First one, we got Quidders Inc. It's like, it's reality gone mad, but it's still in a real world. Second one, it's a tale of the dark and mysterious.

It's Atlantic City, the seedy underbelly. This could be happening right now for all we know. It probably is because that story takes place in Atlantic City. And we're in reality. Everything literally not even a hint of supernatural. In this third one, it gets even more real, right? dark and gritty. Yeah, a little troll

voiced by Frank fucking Welker shows up. Is it Frank Welker doing the voice? You, anytime you're unsure who did a voice of something,

it was Frank Welker. He's banging out 12 a day. And he's just like, I hate that shit. To add insult to industry, I almost said to add insult to industry, which I guess

this movie is to the film industry, but to add insult to injury, this little troll, has a jester's hat on he's dressed like a harlequin entertainer it's like not only is it a little nasty troll it's a little stinker I hate it so much

it's a little stinker it looks like the rancor with the hat on yes it does it's just very suspiciously like the rancor wearing a hat and he's got like a little stinker sword that he carries around with him it's fucking obnoxious and that's what this third one is and you're like

really we were like I don't know this is it's going to be child abuse or something weird with the cat. Well, it kind of is. Yeah, well, yeah, explains Drew Barrymore today. Emotional abuse, sure. And, you know, but no, it's just this little troll. It's going to, and like, for whatever reason, the mother's like, well, you know what they say about cats?

And I'm like, no, what do they say about cats? Well, in the night, they'll steal your breath. Good night. What's amazing about, so they're at the breakfast table. This is my favorite thing. And so, you know, she's like, like my mother always says, you know, a cat will sit on your chest and steal your breath out of your body. And then the father, apparently this woman has like an off-the-boat immigrant mother because then this dude, speaking of Dracula, slips into this Dracula impression like, well, you know what your grandmother always says, when you have a cat in the house, it will sneak into your room and sit on your chest and suck your breath out. And this woman is just like, thank you for making fun of my immigrant mother in front of our daughter, you fucking dickhead.

This guy's kind of a dick. I love him. He's really, because he's always pushing this woman's buttons. He's undermining her in front of the daughter all the fucking time. The woman's like, she's making rules for the daughter. And he's like, yeah, I know your mom's a bitch. Here's some ice cream. You know, like he's totally playing the kid to, like, make him the favorite parent.

One day, he's going to push her too far. And then she's going to bust out there, Thiener. Oh, gypsy curses. Ah, I almost re-watched. I think maybe I'll do that tonight. Dinner. It's not a bad, right. It's not worth it.

The plot gets a thinner as it goes along. It just saved you 100 boring minutes. So, yeah, I mean, the first night, you know, she's like, all right, you're going to have the cat, but he can't sleep in your room. And the cat senses trouble, so he jumps into the window because she left the window open, big. mistake you got a cat rolling around and the troll comes out and he's a little stinkering about he's like scamping and dancing

oh god I hate it what they do here and you know we praise the practical effects early on but in this third segment it's really obnoxious because they will cut to like some superimposed shots of a person in this troll outfit you know

either in front of bigger furniture or it's just a super imposition it's in front of a green screen and it's just fucking dancing it's just dancing through this Drew Barrymore bedroom and it sucks. I hate I hate troll things okay. Anytime a movie has a like a Lord of the Rings when they're talking

with the trolls and oh aren't these trolls obnoxious and whatever the trolls and the Harry Potter move just fucking stop. Hey Gandalf don't you think these trolls have overstayed their welcome tonight? Could you least, you could just ask them to leave? Just get

these trolls out of my house. Speaking of fantasy, I mean That's why, like, Game of Thrones more. We don't have to deal with other races of weird whizum of fudges and trolls and orcs. And what's, what's them it's... Yeah, it's just, it's two kinds of people. People and dragons. Yeah.

Maybe a wizard's going to pop out. There's like that red lady monster thing. Yeah, she counts as a wizard. Yeah, there's some stuff. She counts as a wizard. You know what? Filed out under wizard. Yeah, I'll file a lot of people under wizard on Game of Thrones.

There would know, that's Simpson's episode where the, comic book guy is asking a question of the itchy and scratchy voice actors or whatever. Yeah. When that happens a wizard did it. Anything we can't explain. A wizard. Anything that's not a dragon, a wizard did it. So, I mean, the

cat, so the troll eats the bird, right? And this is the thing. He rips open this bird cage with his troll hands, which a cat cannot do. Nope, can't do it. No opposable digits on Mr. Mittens here. Actually, he finally gets a name, which is

general which is also adorable oh it's just so cute maybe maybe there's some type of breed of romanian cat that rips open cages they also hunt vampires yeah they also have wings so the mother like the you know the the cage falls and the wizard the wizard jesus the fucking dwarf troll thing runs the scamps back through the hole in the wall that it came in the wall magically seals itself by the way again firmly planting us in this magic world like He breaks open a wall and then it fixes itself. A real hole in the wall. Sort of like the shockbox room.

I feel like Alan King walked out at the end of this. Oh, you're fucking kidding me with a troll. Oh, forget it. Steve, Steven, you lost it. Like, he was supposed to play like, uh, like the dude who sells the maguai and gremlins kind of a thing. You know what I mean?

He's like, oh, yeah, it's a troll. It makes a great birthday present. Just, uh, don't let it out of its cage or some shit. And he's like reading through it. He's like, this is fucking bullshit. I like the idea of Alan King getting fantasy scripts and being like, oh, what a bunch of garbage. Screen test Alan King crawl.

There's a half sword, I think you, oh, fuck it. No, no thank you. By the way, keep in mind that while there is a troll introduced in this segment, the cat is the through line of all these things. Alan King exists in the world of the troll. Yeah. He does exist. We could get the two of these together, you know. See what happens. What? So I'm playing a police detective and then my new partner is this ridiculous troll. God, that'd be great. I'm not trying to be negative about this project, but that sounds like a whole lot of garbage.

He could like have the, he could like have the troll sneak into people's apartments. Who needs a warrant anymore, right? So you're telling me, you built the time machine out of the DeLorean? No, fuck this. This is silly. That's a bunch of bullshit. These skateboards away. When Eric Stoltz was fired, they thought of Michael J. Fox or Alan King.

Wait, so it's a whole island that this asshole owns. And then he's bringing dinosaurs back to life. Get the fuck out of here. He fucking storms out of Spielberg's office. This is so not Alan King You may see some of them all at a time You may see all of them some of the time But believe me, Mr. Morrison

You'll never see all of them all at a time All right So this lady hates his cat She boxes them up like she's fucking Sending him to Abu Dhabi a la Nirmal And puts him to the kill Go straight to the kill shelter Not like straight to the kill shelter

What I love She doesn't investigate the kill along she wants this kid she wants two in the back of this cat's head what i love too it's like she drops the cat off and it's like you know most definitely not located in main pet sanctuary whatever they call it right

and she drives off like job done and then like the camera sort of raises up a little bit and you see a fucking chimney with smoke billowing out of it and i was like my god it's a fucking cat detention center yeah that's the uh hidden horror they don't tell you America.

Just murdering cats left and or right. So this cat sensing the danger, like plays it cool, like the dude comes in and he's like, by the way, cat, tomorrow, it's your day to die. The cat's like, yeah, that's what you think. It's been 21 minutes, cat. No one's claimed you. We're allowed to kill you now. But the cat becomes, he gains the confidants of the commandant and shows him that he could do the accounting.

for the pet sanctuary or pound. Oh, you're really good at that accounting for a cat. Little toots his hands on a little ticker tape. You're doing good. The last guy we had in here, chicken scratch. Well, he was a chicken, but. Last guy we had to hear, he fed him to Louis Anderson. He eats cat food and cats.

He's like alfed. I auditioned for Alv. It didn't go so well. I offered to eat the cat in the audition process. They hated it. I was thrown out of the studio with blood all over my face. Oh, that poor man. I never thought I could hate him more.

But thanks. So the cat, it's cat to the rescue, right? Because this is like, I mean, this is honestly, it's a children's movie. We have not, we have not talked about the actions in this segment very much. Oh, really? Because it's the one where the least happens. It's the least interesting. Yeah, it's a kid's going to break out of the fucking termination shelter to come and save the day.

And that's exactly what it happens. It's a cat versus troll fight, which is the dumbest thing I'll ever say. And yeah, the cat, you know, the troll's got a little dagger, and he's making all sorts of little friends. Frank Welker noises, you know, it's just... He gets in a good cut. He cuts that cat good. Yeah, he does. In their first encounter, he does stab the cat. He draws blood.

He draws first blood. I didn't start this. He started this cat. And so the cat somehow manages to... Oh, well, that's... Speaking of getting your money's worth for that song. So the cat gets the troll on like a turntable. And Drew Barrymore is like... turn it on and the cat's like ma'all right

I know that command turns this turntable on and the trolls like spinning around and fucking I'll be watching you starts playing the cover don't work the cover excuse me yeah it's not Sting's beautiful voice creepy LP to buy your kid creepy LP for a seven year old girl to have also something you don't want your seven year old kids room

a doorstop like that's the weird like for what they could swallow that right The first thing I don't think so The first thing the troll does is take the doorstop And jams the door shut Because tonight's the night He's gonna off this bitch, right? We've seen the troll

The troll is actually the one That fulfills the Romanian grandmother's prophecy It's not cats It's trolls will sit on your chest And clench your little Drewberrymore nose closed While making all sorts of Frank Welker noises to this child By the way, this is something we haven't really touched on

This is a fucking disgusting segment because this troll is like touching her lips and shit. And she's just like getting fucking molested by this thing. It's really disgusting, Stephen King.

I think you're going to say Stephen Zadak. I didn't do nothing. Steven Zadak knows how disgusting it is. Stephen King's the one that wrote it. Yes, you're right. I mean, basically it's cat versus troll. Cat wins, obviously. By hilariously.

So it's on the turntable. And Drew Barrymore is like, no, make it faster. And the cat's like, no, all right? No, no, no, no. General, faster. Oh, oh, you meant, oh, okay. Oh, really fast. All right.

And, like, switches it off again. And you hear the song going faster. No, the Tony Beckert, Bennett record. Okay, got it. Ooh, this is pristine stuff. You got to put the 45 tab on it so it doesn't slide around the turntable. All right. You don't put that other.

Drop it down in the middle there. I'm a cat going to get you through to the midnight hour here We got some Tony We got a troll on the turntable We've got a cover of the police I'm Tony Bennett coming up You might find it surprising that a radio station Would even play the actual version of a song

But you know what? I love covers That's why it's the name of my show I'm Midnight Cat This is I Love Covers Coming up next Your phone call Stay with us

Special interview from a Louis Anderson after the break. Hope he doesn't eat me. I've heard some things. Heardy audition for Alf. We'll get that story next. Cat is a small town radio DJ. I would love it. I'd be so jealous of that cat. Yeah, it's like one of the things you hate the most is one of the things you love the most. He's doing the job I hate!

That's why you hate them so much. They'll still your, they come in and steal your thunder. They do it all time. When these cats got here and they start taking our jobs away, first it was the radio DJs they replaced them all with cats so the cat kills a troll I mean that's fucking who cares and the mother learns her lesson because this dad is just like well honey you were a bitch

and I told you that like and I was like yay daddy one again mommy has no power in the relationship and then the parents see exactly how this troll died which it flew off the record it went into like a fan it exploded

or something There's just There's troll chunks Everywhere There's a little Troll hand There's a little Holding his little

Stupid sword Did somebody say Troll Chunks? Troll Killy Chef Boy R.D. And this segment's brought to you by Chef Boyardee's

Troll Chunks. Stay tuned We got a little Frank Sinatra cover coming up. So, yeah the trolls dead and then like the best is the husband the father picks up the little troll sword and shows the

wife and he's just like look at it like see you fucking moron i mean by the way why is this how how is this troll even in north carolina i'm thinking that grandmother her dusty old suitcase from transylvania do you think what they don't know because they never call the grandmother is that she died and then the troll was like finally i can escape. It was in a little bird cage of its own. Putting on little shows for her.

I'll finally go touch that little girl. That's why I was wearing that jester hat. Yeah, it's been humiliated for eons. It's a Romanian television set. What I love to is that the father's like, now Drew Barrymore, are you sure there's no

more of these lying around? And she's like, I only saw the one, but yeah so they let the cat stick around and then this is the biggest bullshit ending right so the cat comes in the house and it's nighttime cat hears something goes into the bedroom hops up on the bed and it's the parents and then drew barrymore sleeping in the middle and the cat climbs up onto drew's chest and you're like oh no that romanian grandmother was right the whole time and the cat like gets down and just starts licking drew barrymore's lips and then she wakes up like oh general

freeze frame it's like what was it's a horror movie I was watching or what? It's it's one of those movies where it's like it's not really a horror movie but like we front load it with some horrific type stuff yeah I mean you need if that's

the end of your movie but if you need if this is truly to be a horror movie and you want to have the cute one in the anthology I don't recommend it you need at least four first of all you have to have at least four I think I think that's a standard that all horror anthologies should abide by at least four. Because that way, if you do want to have the cute one, you can still say, well, you know, it had

three fucked up things and then this stupid cute one that they threw in. Like that kicked the can of the twilight. Yeah, I was going to say, what's the count on that? We got, I mean, does the Dan Aykroyd thing count? That's like a mini. That's like four in a mini, because you've got your, you've got the Anthony one, right? They do Anthony in that? They redo Anthony.

They do. What's Anthony? The kid with the cornfields. The mind control. It's a great day, Anthony. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They got the airplane, the Shatner one, redone with Lithgow.

Right. Kick the can. And Vic Morrow. Yeah. The Vic Morrow one. Yeah. So that's four. I think that's all of them.

And then, I mean, the Dan Aykroyd one, it's sort of like, you know. It's your bookend. It's your bookend thing. We obviously Rod Serling's not around anymore. So we got to find something. Fine. It turns out Dan Aykroyd. I'm a monster or whatever happens.

I wouldn't count it as like a segment, though. That's the bookend thing. That's where I feel like creep show is the only one that does that right, I feel, because I'm thinking about, oh, my God, that fucking VHS. The framing device in VHS where it's also found footage of people wandering around a house filled with VHS tapes is so terrible. And it amounts to nothing. You don't know who these people are that hired this team. To break in, to find that tape and whatever else. You don't know who the people are that are collecting these tapes either.

Yeah, I think VHS is a bit thin. It's got like one to two segments that I like in it. I was okay with the Ty West one. Yeah, I was cool with the Ty West one. I think the vampire one was really cool. The vampire lady. Oh, well, that was a little hard to believe with the camera being in the glasses. Yeah, it's like a pixie thing.

Yeah, it's a weird pixie, yeah. I kind of, I mean, it was spooky. it was okay i mean there's that one i mean i don't know i don't want to go listing all the segments or whatever but i i feel like nothing's ever going to be creep show abcces of death doesn't really have a framing device other than we're just going through the alphabet yeah which is it's kind of interesting and some of those are okay some of those are flat out terrible um but yeah like you have to find a certain kind of balance and i'm sorry with as far as framing devices go like a cat wandering through all of them

is not a good thread. And also in the first two, the cat doesn't really do all that much, but then all of a sudden in this third one, it's like the central character. Yeah. I got a question for you guys. Did you guys stick around for the end credits? Yeah. That song? The cat's eye song?

Yes. It's like, no, no, no. Cats eye. Yeah, wait, let's treat everybody a little bit of cat's eye. I took a step I slipped up there I didn't know why Deep in the dark It was too hard to see

That in the night It had come over me Just throw my soul Imprisoned me with your catch eye Catch eye How you caught me Unaware

Catside Want too high But tell me where Cats eyes You got me spelled out Yeah, it's a stupid song That's the one song They did commission

And spent money on All right, Ray Parker, Jr. Write a song for this movie Cats Eye Okay, Ray Parker, Jr., we asked for fake cocaine For the cocaine scene But we got real cocaine. How about you write us a Katzai song?

He turns that in and they're like, oh my God, can we get someone to cover the police real quick? holy shit can someone cover the police this is terrible it's uh by the way i just want to clarify that is not ray parker junior that uh does that it's sung by uh actually it's funny enough a dude name ray stevens oh not ray parker junior would anyone recommend cat's eye i wouldn't really um i don't think i mean the only part i think really is worth seeing is the quitter's ink portion um yeah so i'm gonna say give it a big old pass yeah i'd skip it too i don't think it's a really like i i totally

agree with eric here i think the quitter's ink's a lot of fun uh and it just kind of it's diminishing returns every time and i wanted you know honestly it was a full quitter's ink movie and we kept going through it you know maybe like james woods confronts alan king at the end that battle to the death but on top of an atlantic city skyscraper now we're thinking thinking on two feet in which a troll summoned by Alan King. I'm sorry. And I mean, you know, to be fair, to cat's eyes credit, you know, it's not the

worst way an anthology horror movie could end up, you know, because two children weren't killed, nor was a treasured Hollywood actor. So, you know, it could be worse. Yeah, it could always be worse when it comes to making a horror anthology. I'll agree with you on that. Yeah, I

would say, you know, I would recommend watching the first two, and when that cat gets on a fucking truck to North Carolina, it off. What are you? I'd tail to the North Carolina. Yeah, I mean, because that, the troll thing is so terrible, but the other two are at least watchable.

Yeah. They never, they never explained to you how it is Drew Barrymore's a ghost inside a mannequin or anything like that. So you can ignore those parts of the cats jaunt through the big city. Yeah, they're kind of like pretty good night gallery episodes. They are. It really reminded me of night gallery more than anything. Yeah.

You know, so to recommend something alternatively, I would say the first two creepers, Shreep Shows. Creep Show 2, while not a great movie, one is leaps and bounds better than this, but it's also like still got its entertaining moments. However, there is, it's not a well-known thing, I don't think, because it's so recent. There was a Creep Show 3 that was made, unwatchable. Ooh. Turned it off in the first segment.

It's really, really wretched. But the first two are pretty cool. The cigar store Native American sketch, but segment that they have is pretty, is pretty pretty awesome. So, you know, if you're looking for horror anthologies this Halloween, stick with your first creep shows. And I don't know, I guess ABCs of death. I didn't see VHS too. I was so turned off by VHS1, but I've heard terrible things. Did you guys see it? I haven't seen it. No, no. I probably won't. That's totally fine. Totally acceptable. That's Katzai from 1985, directed by Lewis Teague. If you want to get a hold of us, you can check out more information

about the show on WHM Podcast.com. Find us on Facebook. And follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. If there's some other horror anthologies that I'm obviously missing, let us know. I think maybe we should do like a Halloween mailbag, like the end of the month, because we got some emails about some other stuff. We got some good emails on alternative Braddorf titles that I asked about with body parts last week. So keep them common. If you got some horror anthology recommendations, toss them our way. We'll do a mailbag at the end, sort of wrap everything up. Also, you know, any spooky stories you may have.

You know, I definitely want to hear if you've got a troll in your past or, you know, you came across a comic of the caliber of Alan King. Or, I mean, honestly, if you have, please send in your cat DJ audition tapes. We will pass them on to the right people. Yeah, the right people at YouTube and BuzzFeed. Get to where it needs to go. Subscribe to the show and iTunes rate review there

if you get a chance you can also find us on Stitcher radio, download the Stitcher app and streaming the first five of most recent

episodes of the show on the go. There is also our own app you can purchase that and stream all of our bonus episodes

or WHMpodcast bandcamp.com if you want to get the bonus episodes one at a time they're all there too that's about it we'll be back

next week with the fourth installment of our 2013 Halloween spooktacular until then I'm Andrew Jupin Steve and say that. Eric Sisko.

Take it easy. Cats love when you're fat. They're always over there when you're fat.