We Hate Movies - S4 Ep128: Episode 128 - Casper

Episode Date: October 29, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang wraps up their 2013 Halloween Spooktacular with the insanely stupid, live action ghost romp, Casper! How can this movie have so little rules set up for the ghosts? Was there ever a more annoying trio than these three obnoxious uncles? And how many of you were watching Hard Copy in the mid-90s? PLUS: Heckling Dan Aykroyd at a liquor warehouse. Casper stars Bill Pullman, Christina Ricci, Cathy Moriarty and Malachi Pearson; directed by Brad Silberling. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Juven. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes.

That is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for the fucks. He's seen one too many movies. Not sick! Don't you blame the movies?

Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. Put the fucking looser in the bathroom. There's an excellent day for an excellent. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you are joining us for the first time on this here program, you are joining us for the final week of our 2013 Halloween spookacular. We have spent the entire month of October talking about all sorts of horror movies. And what a way to end it by talking about a horrific children's film. We're in a horror movie. Well, it's still a horror movie. It's a children's a warm fart, period. Of a ghost movie. Warm fart period of a children's horror ghost movie.

1996's Casper, the live action telling of the old-ass-cartoon that everyone was clamoring for in the movie-going world. It's about goddamn time. Some of them was like, oh, fucking finally, Casper's coming out, and it's live action. Yeah, and we want it to be kind of a teen romance. Now, when's that family circus movie? happened. Man, a fucking live action family circus movie, you could not bore me to death faster. What'd you do today? Rode a bicycle. End of scene. Did you wear a helmet? No. Well, I guess that's for God to sort out. That comic strip's got a bunch of weird god shit in it. I never,

I hate family secrets. It was always very like stiff. I never laughed once at it. But what, this movie came, am I mistaken in thinking that this movie was kind of sent it to turn around because the Flintstones did so well in 94? Probably it was those, you know, we're just going to bring anything to life that we can

and so why not the Casper comic? There was probably an old ass cartoon, right? I mean, there was a cartoon that's spawned after this movie's success. I think it probably was. There was a cart, well, because it was part, I think Universal had it as like one of their like before the movie cartoon.

is this one of the classic universal monsters yep Dracula Frankenstein's monster the wolf man creature from the black lagoon the mummy and Casper and the invisible man who strangled Casper to death everyone always forgets

the invisible man I'm sorry I didn't see you there where are your late night cards to tap on the dust for that one that right there but yeah I think you're right like the Flintstones hit it was a super success and they're like fuck it let's bring everything off the page off the cartoon strip onto the real

on to the real screen they've done that with you know a couple of these movies they made the Jetsons movie and you know they made obviously they made the Jetsons movie there was a Jetsons movie live action not a live action there was a cartoon movie yeah cartoon there was a and a feature length Jetsons movie but what why could you not get me a good CGI Huckleberry hound is the real question for me really was huckleberry hound interacting with human beings though i don't know because then that's like you just have a whole cg world and in the mid 90s we were not ready for a entire cg world just yet well i'm just imagining like what it's 1990 what like Liam nison is like trying to like get a girlfriend he's just got huckleberry

huckleberry huckleberry hounds his hound yeah and they're just living in like just living in Massachusetts. Okay, so it's dark man with Huckleberry Hounds hanging around. Stay here. I have to go patrol the rooftop. Well, okay, I'll just stick around here. Or is that droopy dog. How did Huckleberry Hound talk? Huckleberry Hound was more of like a fast talker. Like, I can't do it. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I think I was doing a little droopy dog. Point is, that would have been pretty cool. But the Casper movie, this is the first movie where the main character, is fully CGI the entire time, or I should say most of the time, we'll get to that. But it's your basic Casper story, but I guess because like all of these cartoons where there's not really much to the world, we got to pepper it with whatever we can find.

So the thrust of the movie is Kathy Moriarty plays this woman who inherits a house from her dead father and her and her butler, manservant, lawyer, bodyguard. played by Eric Idol who's debasing himself oh yeah he does not fucking slumming it in this movie well because this is right after fucking splitting hairs and like I don't know after something like that that was a disaster splitting airs it's him and Rick Moranis and Catherine Zeta Jones yeah that's a bad movie it is shitty and so I kind of see why he took this I mean whatever you're gonna be in a big universal movie exactly and this was a hit because a humong is hit it's just like the eighth biggest for 95. 96 or 90? I haven't saw it

96. It's 95. Stupid IMDB. I think it's the, yeah, it was the eighth highest grossing movie of 1995. That's insane that this was allowed. Sold more tickets than seven usual suspects.

She inherits this house. She doesn't care, but then she finds out there might be treasurer in it. This is the most ridiculous thing. Because like she gets the house from Ben Stein or whatever, right? Was it actually Ben Stein? It's Ben Stein is the father's like a state attorney. He's got a cameo in one of the sequels, but...

He's doing a real Ben Stein job in this movie. Well, it's fucking, what, a couple of years before I start throwing his money away on television for the public. So she decides, oh, that old mansion, that's worthless. Let me throw this deed in the fire. And then Eric Idol's like, oh, no, no, that's money, you know? And then there's something on the deed, like Invisible Inc. going like, and there be treasure buried there in the Friendship Maine Mansion. Yeah.

It's like, oh, look at this. There's a treasure map written in pirate speak that apparently is leading me to some sort of fortune in a Maine mansion. You know, all those pirates in Maine. And she flips out, you know, because she's like, well, the treasure. You know, like, she's treasure crazy. She's treasure crazy. It reminded me of Indiana Jones Part 4. with

Oh, what's his face there? Ray Winston. Oh, where's that treasure at? Casper? God! I want my gold. Casper give me the gold. This is the motivation for rich characters in movies or adventure seekers as well.

But it's like, oh, it's worth nothing. So who cares, but if there's treasure, you know, they don't have any idea what kind of treasure it is. Because, you know, one man's junk could be another man's treasure. Yeah. And in this case, it's true.

But it is junk. Well, it's funny because the vidd I saw like, she's got like, it's a huge plot of land. And she's about to toss in the fire. And I kind of just thought about what if like Daniel Plainview walked into the house. I was like, I'll make you an offer for that. Like it just, it's just a little silly. Just like, fuck it. Yeah.

This huge plot of land. Fuck it. Yeah. No, that is. It's really stupid because you're throwing away a deed to a house. It's located on this gorgeous, like, coastal cliff. Like, you would get some serious bank, like, sell that to somebody. They'll knock it down and, like, build a nice B&B there.

Just hire. And really, if you're that interested in the treasure, hire the Goonies and get it over with. Yeah, those guys aren't doing anything. It was the mid-90s. They were dealing with middle school or high school. Managing hardware stores somewhere. Awkwardly going through adolescence. Exactly.

So they go to the house and then, oh, whoops, it's haunted by something. Yeah, so here we get the cavalcade of cameos part one Because there's two cavalcades of cameos in this movie The first one, this is some sickening shit It outright makes you want to vomit So they're like, all right, the house is haunted We gotta do something about this Who can we hire? Enter the character

The beloved comedy character Father Guido Sarducci. Talk about slumming it Oh my God, you watch this and your soul just starts to die, you know? He comes up, goes in the house, you know, says he's going to do an exorcism, comes back out, and this is a weird thing in this movie. Like, his heads turned all the way around

and he's totally alive. Like, what kind of physics are we dealing with in this world? This is the thing. This is what happened. Is the director, Brad Silberling? I think his name is Brad Silberling, something like that. What he did is he got hammered one night and turned on the exorcist.

Uh-huh. And he didn't remember all of it. He's just like, wait, somebody's head turns around and they vomit everywhere. okay, we do that to Sarducci. That's what we do. That's the joke, right? We don't really teach that fucker a lesson. And it's the worst CGI you've ever seen this side of anything. It's really terrible. I will say that like the animated ghost stuff isn't that bad for like, you know, human beings interacting with cartoon characters. You know, it's, it's on the level of a Roger Rabbit type quality, only they're all computerized. So it's not bad. There's a couple of times,

Idle is like looking at the top of Casper's head rather than the eyes, but Eric Idle was the only one who just couldn't get it. Well, because he just doesn't give a shit. Why would you? Where am I looking? Oh, fuck it. Oh, man, he should have been in episode Jar Jar Jor Banks. Eric Idle is just like a

as an absent-minded Jedi. That would be pretty good. Where did I put my lightsaber? Oh, fuck it. He's like, he doesn't realize he uses the force. speaking of fuck it by the way so sarducci's out of there it's like oh who can we get in next the door bursts open a bunch of furniture flies out and here comes you want to talk about throwing up dan acroyd dressed up as dr ray stance the ghostbuster with a mustache by the way and we say dressed up we're not talking lab coat we're talking about protein protein pack proton pack and all proton pack the jumpsuit And he gets out and he looks, Kathy Moriarty dead in the eye and says this. Who are you going to call?

Someone else. That's disgusting. This is the scariest part of the movie. That shit made my skin crawl. Guess what? Someone else. That's Ghostbusters 3. You got it, guys.

That's what it would be. You know what? We had it and we didn't even know we had it. This whole time he was hiding in Casper. Sidebar on this. Dan Aykroyd. And this should tell you a lot about my relationship with my father. He sent me a postcard.

This was about a month ago. It's a postcard inside of a mailer. And I take it out. It just has a little post note. Thought you needed to see this. And it's a flyer for Dan Aykroyd showing up at a liquor king in New Jersey to push his new brand of tequila. And he's doing like signings. Wow.

Is it also skull tequila? Yeah, his skull vodka. And he's holding it and he's like, come see fucking Dan Aykroyd. Question. In a liquor warehouse. Sure. Has this already happened?

Can we go? I believe it was last week. Oh, man. You know what, Chris? When you get information like this, you have to disseminate it amongst the group. Because you could go there, get drunk on Dan Aykroyd's liquor and then heckle him. This is for Casper and throw up all over him.

Throw a fake muscle. That's just the beginning. I got a lot of beef with you, Ackroyd. What the fuck's with loser, huh? See, the funny thing is, like, Dan Aykroyd always finds ways to mildly redeem himself. If you caught his appearance that he had on Fallon, like maybe two, three months ago,

I don't know, it was a while back. He came out, and it was, you know, it was Jimmy Fallon. Is he a Ghostbuster again? No, which was great. He just came out, and it was like, you know, Fallon was like, ladies and gentlemen, the great Dan Aykroyd, And he comes out, not dressed as a blues brother, but, like, plays a song and, like, dances around the stage and goes all the way around, like, backstage while playing, does this whole bit.

Like, it was Blues Brothers songs, but he wasn't in the full suit or anything. And then, like, comes all the way around the studio and then, like, back out and sits down. I was like, that's a fucking class act right there. This cameo, though? Yeah. That's much, you know? No, not so much. He seems like a good egg.

Try that tequila So after those things fail After the cast of S&L fails to get the ghosts out of his house After we decide this isn't scary movie Yeah The they get construction workers To just like bulldoze it right

Let's just tear it down Just tear it down But it's too spooky for even them What are you talking about Why are these guys running out Just blow it up? Why are they inside? How would they even know?

Because control demolition I guess to have like, but like they have bulldozers ready just to knock the fuck the fucker down. You know, just hide you. I'm sure in Maine you could find a guy who's willing to huck TNT at a building. Oh, you could, you could find a whole team of guys to do that job. Just circle the building, throw it sticks and dynamite lighten and throw it. Just go to the park at 2 a.m. with fresh 20s in your hand and find people they'll do it. Or Dan Aykroyd brand tequila. You'll be fine. You'll get them.

You light up my building and I'll light up your light. Dan Aykroyd's skull Tequila. So I could do that. I could show up at that liquor warehouse. Shill that shit. So she's at the end of her rope, Kathy Moriarty is. She goes back to her Stephen King-themed bed and breakfast

and she's watching hard copy like we all did in the mid-90s. We were all watching hard copy. Well, you're forgetting that most of this Casper isn't revealed in this movie. He's the first thing you see essentially. The movie begins with him scaring um i i had to write it down because it's it's squints palador from sandlot who i found

i finally just looked at the fucking name and it's amazing because i think it's the only time this has happened in the history of hollywood a man named chauncey had a career his name is chancy la party they get him and his buddy gets scared and most of this is from casper's perspective of he's lonely he's in this house right he wants a friend looked after by his shitty uncle ghosts. Oh, boy. From, and they were characters from the cartoon as well, the Ghostly Trio.

So it's his idea. He hears something about... He's watching HardCop. He's watching HardCoppy. You're right. Casper's sitting around with a sniffer of branding on what went wrong. Dude, like I said, we all watched Hard Coffee in the mid-90s.

It was on after Simpson's reruns. Even the dead. It was on before Entertainment Tonight. Yeah. That's where I always had. That's where I had it. You got to get your Mary Hard On. What?

She hosted Entertainment Tonight with John Tesh. Oh, you're right. Come on, the classic duo of Tesh and Heart. I just remember, Tish. I didn't say Hard On. I said heart on. Mary Harton. Get your Merry Heart on.

Heart on. Yeah. Okay. So speaking of Hard On, so this little ghost is watching TV and he's like, he sees a story, a profile on hard copy. Without this hard copy story, we would not have. a movie. It's a profile on Bill Pullman, the president himself, who

is a ghost psychologist and his little daughter, cat, played by Christina Ricci, who follows him around and is miserable with her life. What's amazing is this hard copy of profile is like, and then his very lonely daughter, cat. Like, way to go.

We're just like out this girl as like a weird loner on national TV. They're like filming her and like giving her shit. Yeah, it's like TMZ. videos. She's like, you know, I'm trying to have my first day of school here. And like, why don't you just talk to us about your weird father? Isn't he an idiot? Well, that's the thing.

In those situations, you want to stay with the weirdo. You want to stick with him because he's the one who's going to be saying the weird shit. That's the weird thing. He agreed to do the interview. And he's on camera, talking to the camera. But then it seems like behind his back, they're like, let's go get his daughter too. Oh, yeah. Let's see what she

has to say about it. Well, you know, what a hard copy was not really known for its journalistic integrity. Not really, no. He comes. across like a total charlatan like a crossing over with john edwards type of guy oh yeah that guy was a real fucking scammer huh because he's not really doing anything he's just like sitting in this office like you don't see him like visiting with anybody he's just like writing in his journal and then like holding his hand against the wall and looking pensive and you know honestly ghost doctors i'm gonna need a little more than oh ghosts have unfinished business i yeah i've heard it a thousand

Tom's. Yeah, really? Yeah, that's what almost the entire ghost mythology is based on. Yeah. Unfinished business. Like, do me one better, Pullman. Why did you start this business? Unfinished business for him is the fucking IRS forms. He hasn't filled out.

It's just this fucking ridiculous organization he started. That's why he never stays put. Yeah, that's why he's moving from town to town. He's being chased by the man. By the tax man. Just like Wes Craven was chased by. Taxman. So Casper's like

I'm a lonely old ghost This is a great idea I think that that girl's really cute I'm gonna get them to come to my house So he leaves the mansion And this is something that I don't know That you know ghost mythology supports But he flies downtown

Into the village Goes into the cable wiring system And starts moving He turns her TV on Turns it to hard copy Start making the TV stand Follow her around the room Until she notices it

And she's like, hey, that's great. I'll call Bill Pullman and his daughter. Man, that is uncanny. It's like she's here. She's here right now and not filming a Law and Order episode. So they fly out to Maine and they move from Santa Fe. We got the whole thing about like she, you know, wants him to stay put. You know, we learned that the mom recently died and he didn't handle it well.

so he's like chasing ghosts around the country. Early's telling himself that that's what he's doing. Excuse me, other ghost. Have you seen my ghost wife? Here's her picture. Here's her ghost rendering. This is what she might look like as a member of the undead. Which you have to draw it like looking like a big fat bubble cartoon.

You just like rub the eraser over just gently just to get a little blurry. Yeah, that's her. No, that's good. So, I mean, we just, we get to learn. how everybody makes friends in this movie, right? I mean, that's all it is. Christina Ritchie, you know, she meets Casper

and it's like kind of terrifying. There's a really, there's a gross thing that happens here. And, you know, this is one of those things where some people might be like, guys, it's a kids movie. No, this is gross and I'll tell you why. So she faints and Casper's like, oh my goodness, I killed her. You know, let me try to revive her.

And he throws himself in the sink and gets himself all wet. and then he goes oh he flies above her and christina ritchie's like passed out and he starts ringing out the bottom half of his body and like pissing on her face like to get this water to like sprinkle out and she's like oh what is someone peeing on me oh hi casper no there's some soul getting in there's you're getting a little bit of your soul in ritchie yeah there's some sort of ectoplasm falling on her face it's disgusting what sucks about this is that they don't really there's no terms to what the ghosts can do they kind of just just fly by the sea of their pants like sometimes they can get hit by actual objects other times they're just running through walls and like doing all this kind of shit it really makes no sense whatsoever it's very frustrating in a movie like this when you don't have like strict ghost laws you really need to like set board at least i really just need one yeah basic you know it'd be nice to have a whole house but three walls would be fine one maybe like a stake that

you would actually have to write around something that makes you have to write in a particular rather than just be like, oh, this is a gag, let's put it in there. The only thing that they sort of set up at the end of the movie, apparently, is like, if you're a ghost and you say out loud, like, well, I don't have any unfinished business, you'll cross over to the other side. Apparently, yeah, it doesn't, God just, God forgot. That's all it takes, by the way. So it's like you either, like, these four ghosts in this house, like, love being ghosts or they've never heard of that ghost rule before. Well, I think Casper's never heard of that ghost rule before. Do you think he'd cross over to get out of that house?

I mean, you can live in with, I mean, we haven't gotten to them yet, but the stretchy, stinky, and fat, so. You're a dead kid. I mean, how much punishment can there be once you cross over? I mean, I feel like it's in your best interest to cross over. I mean, I think, but this is what I don't understand. And it's, it's crucial. The only reason it's stuck with me is because the whole fucking point of the movie is that he's a lonely ghost and he wants a friend. The whole goddamn point of the fucking movie.

Yes. And the idea is that he can't leave the house, therefore he can't find friends because people, everybody who comes into the house is scared by him. Right. But in this scene with Kathy Moriarty, he's just fucking going through town. He can go to any house he likes and visit anybody he would like. And one of these people, I'm sorry, maybe it's going to be a little stupid kid, but they're going to be friends with you. That was the point of the cartoon and the fucking comic book was he would just be friends with kids and like get shenanigans done. Right, yeah, the kids would accept him.

Like, you don't have to sit in your house and wait for people to come to you. You don't have to be watching hard copy, you know, tricking Kathy Moriarty real estate mogul to, like, bring people to you. You know, you can go out and, you know, why don't you haunt the school? There's plenty of kids at the school. Just go there. Be friends thought. You're going to find, like, the weird kid who's like, oh, it goes, great. You know.

The simplest thing in the world. You have all these ghost powers. You go into, you go into your own local liquor king and you steal something. of Dan Aykroy's skull liquor for the popular kids in the high school. You've got friends forever there, buddy. See, that's where you went with it. I thought you were buttering us up to,

and then you give it to the bums in the alley. Well, there'll be your friends. Really. Great time. Yeah, this is key to the city, man. You're a ghost. You can be friends with anybody. I love the idea of, like, this small

main town sheriff being like, okay, kids, now who bought you the liquor? And they're like, we swear to God, a ghost stole it for us. okay now nobody likes a liar zero tolerance don't you know into the slumber i i more would like it if he if this sheriff was just kind of like was really just fucking tired of casper's shenanigans and like he comes up and the kids are like oh we got it from casper that fucking little ghost that's who should be calling bill pullman we got me this little shit ass ghosts give him all kind of well he dropped that

Don't listen to his saco babbles. He will trot things on you and it will turn your head around. I don't know why this is the accent for like what, Massachusetts? It's Maine. Oh, it's Maine, yes. Now, Dr. Paulman, this ghost'll spin your yarn or two. Don't listen to a word he says. Just make sure he crosses over to hell.

Make him be with the devil. Try to get the father to exercise him a few times. Didn't work. He screamed a lot. Oh, I love that. The sheriff's forcing the father to exercise the house. And they called fucking Guido Sarducci. Because he got bumped up to Rome.

Because he was supposed to, I think part of the premise was he was supposed to be a Vatican guy at one point. So they make friends. And then downstairs, Bill Palman meets the evil trio or whatever the fuck they're called. A stretch, stinky and fatso, fatso. Yep. Do it. Same. Brad Garrett

Oh man Fucking Brad Garrett This movie Voicing this fat obese ghost It is unbelievable It's just obnoxious It's the three of them And Bill Pullman's instantly

Scared shitless by every single ghost Oh he is shitting his ever-loving pants When he sees these guys Casper and you see like the shit chunks Flied out his trousers Like oh I'm sorry Bill Pullman I thought this was your job I thought you love talking to ghosts

And helping them cross over with their unfinished business you fucking liar you lied to hard copy you lied to america this job is garbage get over your dead wife and move on you fucking two-faced liar doesn't really matter because if you lie to hard copy you do lie to america it is the equivalent hard coffee and america were one in the same between 1993 to 1997 it was our hardest hitting news source at the time so when we're introduced of the ghostly trio. I think this needs to be noted. Their stretch, I believe, is riding in on a ghost horse.

He's riding on a saddle with a ghost horse. There is a wreath and a trophy that the other ones are holding from winning a race. He raced a ghost horse in a real horse race and won. Somehow won. And they gave him the trophy, or they stole it or whatever. But how was Mulder and Scully not down there immediately? Scully, we just got a report out of Maine that there's another rigged horse race. Better go check it out.

Better not. Those Mainers are notorious for that. Fixing horse races. It's all a scam. Molder, stop testing my reasoning. It's like, why can't they just be in the house? Why do they have to be coming home from gambling or rigging gambling? Because they're such stinkers.

Yeah, they're just scumbag. Like, just fucking, like, wheelers and dealers. They are real deadbeat, no pun intended, scumbags. They are, honestly, probably the worst movie characters I've ever seen. They're really, really obnoxious. And they are most of this movie. Oh, it is the trio show. Like, this movie should be called Three Ghosts and a Little Casper.

Because Casper's, like, kind of around, and yeah, he's got, like, a central theme and whatnot. But every time Casper turns his head, These three dudes take over the movie, and it fucking sucks. They're so, so, so utterly obnoxious. I can't even tell. The one-liners don't stop. The burping and the fart noises and the screaming and yelling. Thank you for tuning into ABC Family.

Coming right up, we have three dead assholes in some baby or something, starring Bill Pullman. Man, I would watch that. If it was called that, I would be tricked into watching the movie. movie, strapping right in for that one. But the thing with this movie is that there's so much fucking plot. It's heavily, it's, it's very plot heavy. We have to deal with Christina Ritchie, who's planning this fucking Halloween dance. Oh, let's talk about that bit of bullshit for a hot second, because this is frustrating.

It's her first day of school in this sleepy main town, and she comes in and the teacher's doing the old, like, why don't you tell something about yourself kind of a thing? And the teacher is them like, oh, hey, big announcement, by the way, the gym's being renovated so we can't have our Halloween dance. And then this rich girl's like, well, we could totally have it on my parents' boat or like whatever the fuck it is. And everyone's like, yay, even though they kind of hate her guts. And then Christina Ricci's like, oh, so I live at this house, by the way. And they're like, oh, wow, the big haunted house. And some kids like, oh, fuck that rich girl.

Let's have the Halloween dance at her house. Whip Staff Manor. Yes, thank you. And everyone's like, yeah, whip staff, whip stuff. And the teacher's like, well, the children have spoken. They like force her to host this Halloween day. But not only that, how does this one home room have the authority to change the school dance? Well, it's settled.

I'll tell the whole school later. I'll tell the other 270 students in this school. And I also don't appreciate how this teacher allows heckling because they were just being so, they were just laughing at this girl. Oh, they make fun of her. And this guy is just like, well, first day, new kid. Like, fuck you, how many he punches her in the shoulder? Well, that's something I've never understood. And it never happened in my high school from what I remember, at least.

Bullying? But, no, no, like, getting called, like, if you're the new kid, you're getting called in front of the entire class? I've seen that happen. Really? Really? I think I have. Unless a confusing fiction and reality again. Sometimes that happens with you.

Sometimes reality and fantasy blends. So, I don't. I wouldn't trust a word you say. I should just cross over. Like, I always remember. I've never seen it in real life either, by the way. Because I was, I was remember as just like, you do the attendance at class, Cabin, Keransky. Oh, new person, Corrathon, or whoever gives the, like, it was just that simple.

It was just like around the class. Oh, that's a new person, great. Let's move on now. Let's move on and not talk to this person. More on the Battle of Saratoga now. To bring them up there and then let the other kids scream at. out lines and zingers at them? Like, come on. It's too much.

Unless it was a zinger's class. We don't know what those kids were there. AP Zingers. It was AP Zingers. I think this is remedial zingers. Yeah, there's a lot of stupid kids. These aren't good zingers. Oh, my God.

So he gets in a big fight with these ghosts, by the way. Bill Paulman starts dueling with these ghosts. And it's very important because this leads us to the second cavalcade of cameos. holy shit this goes on forever this is how it happens that so brad garrett goes jumps into his mouth and it's just like you're eating me now i'm going inside of your belly they all go inside him holy to let all three squeeze inside bill palman's body very eerily because he faints because he's scared so much by these three goofballs and so he stands up like oh wow did i really just eat three ghosts that's weird

and he like shoves some water on his face and looks in the mirror and my God first his face contorts into Clint Eastwood and it's not a person doing a Clint Eastwood impression it's fucking Clint Eastwood doing an actual cameo Clint Eastwood

filmed stuff for this movie well maybe like you know Clint Eastwood was like around when this comic was conceived in the 30s or something that's why I was the first he was the first he was the first person to read the the Casper comic.

He's the first person to get it in the mail. He's the first Casper. Well, celebrating his 40th birthday. Well, I mean, that's why I think everybody's,

and we'll get to it a minute, but like, I think it's all, all of it is because, oh, Casper, I love Casper.

Yeah, oh, I'm a fan of the book or whatever. So it's... Oh, money, yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure. Oh, I'm also a fan of money.

How weird. I'm a fan of money, but I'm a bigger fan of Casper, but I am a fan of money. Oh, you're going to, like fucking, I don't know, Civil War epic?

Sure, I'll fucking play a face in your movie. So then Clint Eastwood, in a horrifying turn, mutates into Rodney. So all of a sudden here's Dangerfield and he tells like a sort of Rodney joke, but it's like

PG, so who cares? And you're like, this is terrible. You don't even know what you're doing here. You don't even know where you are right now. And next, Mel Gibson making out like a bandit because he doesn't have to say a word. He got off pretty easily. He just takes it look like,

huh, huh, that's looking good. And then bam, tripkeeper. At the height of his powers, too, that's a prime Mel Gibson. Yeah, that's pre, I hate Jews, Mel Gibson. That's braveheart. That's, I think it's the same year as Braveheart. Yeah, 95. It's right around there.

Yeah, he looks at his flowing locks in the mirror. And then turns into the crib keeper. So if you can now, if these ghosts can change their appearances, so that a mortal would be able to view them as, say, Mel Gibson. Right. The fuck's Casper's problem. It's morphin to Mel Gibson if you want to sleep with Christina Ricci, right?

More importantly, what the fuck is the problem with this script? Why isn't that part of it? Why aren't you playing more with that? That's funny. There's endless possibilities. Lily Tomlin with Steve Martin and all of me, like, doing all those fucking two people in one, like, those jenky physical comedy things. Like, there's stuff to do here if you want to go that way.

But it's no, it's all a gag. Here's the problem. We can't have shape-shifting be like the focal point of this movie because then we can't have those hilarious three ghosts on screen the whole time. Or are not as hilarious main character ghost. This was probably something where it was like, oh, you know, we got this great script for Casper. Oh, it's so funny. Oh, we got all these people that agreed to do cameos.

I didn't tell you guys, but I went out and got all these people. So I fit it in there somewhere. I don't know, put it in a mirror. Like, just, it's just a last second type of cameo, right? It's so last second. Because the worst part is the Cripkeeper comes and he does a McCall or Calkin. Yeah, that's all right. He does the, like, face slap and screams.

That's the day that everyone left and it was only the Cripkeeper in hell. Oh, no. I'm missing out on my family's trip to Paris. guess I'll have to stay home in Screamsville Catherer O'Hare waking up on a plane We left the Cripkeeper Satan just looks at him Look what you did

Uncle Damien Oh boy So there's some cameos going on It's here but also right here They're like They're fucking with him after they like jump back out of his body And Bill Pullman runs into a closet and it's ridiculous because it's the mid-90s,

so we're still making jokes like this. He slams the door on him, and Brad Garrick goes, what a closet case. Oh, do we just get it, everybody? Hey, gay people are funny. Hey, you laughing yet? Let's put that in there, too. Closet humor. Get it?

So the whole thing is Bill Palmer's like, all right, I'm going to give these three. He's not focusing. Casper. He doesn't care about Casper as much. I'm going to give these three ghosts psychotherapy to try to talk them into crossing over to the other side. I'll get a check from Kathy Moriarty and she can knock down this house and find the treasure or whatever. Problem being, I don't think Bill Pullman's an actual licensed psychiatrist. Oh, absolutely not. No way. He's got these degrees in picture frames from Johns Hopkins.

But it's like at no point ever in this movie does he try to conduct any kind of psychotherapy with these ghosts. More importantly, he has a printer with his computer. I just want to tell both of you right now, the listeners can't see you doing your air quotes. I thought by my inflection. No, no, no, it did, but I want to paint a picture for the folks at home.

Listen, the inflection is for them. The air quotes are for you. Just so you know what the hell is going on. I won the lottery. Either he's got a printer with his computer or I mean, what? There's, what, a hundred goddamn community colleges in Arizona? He went to one of them, he got into his associates, and he's done.

Yeah, definitely, most definitely. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling in dough. I lived at home until I was about 25, and for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time, and the last piece, which didn't come until my early 30s, was therapy.

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dot com slash w hm that is rocketmoney dot com slash w hm once more rocket money dot com slash w hm which stands for we hate movies here's a question because this scene leads into they have a scene where casper's cooking christina ritchie breakfast and then these three annoying picks come in and fuck it up again right Again, Brad Garrett with an obnoxious line, he says, I feel like Oprah on hiatus, because we're making Oprah's fat jokes in this movie, too. So what they, we should talk about what their food is, right? With these, with these goddamn despicable monsters. Candy and donuts.

And chocolate. And it's like, so like Casper has to feed these monsters, and he brings out all these platters. I don't know where he gets this stuff. Why are ghosts grocery shopping? Why are ghosts eating? Yes. I mean, who cares? Why don't I see the fucking, I would love this scene with the fucking delivery guy

has to come to the house like, uh, who's paying me my tip here, uh, uh, I'm sorry, they're ghosts who've been dead presumably for decades. What are they paying him with? Like gold coins? Debloons. It's absolutely. It's got to be de blooms where all the treasure will win. The grocery budget is treasure.

So they're eating all this like candy and chocolate and stuff. and candy bars and it's just falling out their asses and it's just hitting the ground and Casper is like cleaning up their shit at this point. He's cleaning up their shit. And Stretch is not too pleased with that. You know, we used to be able to eat off this floor.

He turns his lower body into a Nike shoe with the swoop on it. Oh yeah. You better believe that swoops front and center. Kicks that baby ghosts right out of frame. Well, because I think Stretch kind of wanted to have like a last scene in Dead Ringers

kind of situation where it's just like everything shit's just everywhere and you can just like pick shit off the fucking floor

and eat like a pizza with an orange juice or whatever I love living in human atrocities now this is the question that I was leading

into that's why he wears Nike's because it's like it's one obnoxious scene with these pricks right into another one and it made me think

especially with the voices that these actors are giving them who are the more annoying characters in cinema history. These three, or the weasels from Roger Rabbit? Oh, these three. Oh, yeah, these three.

Yeah, okay. I'm glad I got the unanimous decision about that. And these are probably, like, they are the AP Zingers. They are the guys who went to AP Zingers. They had the better lines. It's true. And these, this trio of ghosts, I mean, this has to be the most, the baddest villains in cinema history.

I mean, they're just, that's the, well, that's really the issue. They're not really villains. Kathy Moriarty is the villain. These guys are just fucking yammering, the whole goddamn, just yammering. They're not, they're not outright villains. They're sort of antagonists at first, but God, are they annoying? Oh, my Lord. It is something.

Can I just say that AP Zingers sounds like a nifty name for like a TGI Friday's type restaurant? Welcome to AP Zingers. We got great pot stickers tonight and two for one appetizer specials. You want a milkshake with that? I hate my job. It's all mini calzone. It's like you're buying like a $9.95 hot pocket. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I think AP Zingers is in like and like battered sour cream or whatever. What a refill on that Dan Aykroyd margarita? Hey, you two ladies look lonely. Welcome to AP Zinger's bar where there's all you can drink mudslides. Ladies only, Tuesday's 9 to 9.45. out of all the fake institutions we've created I'd much rather be at Muldoons Oh yeah

Muldoons are kind of place So By the way Casper From what I know of it Death doesn't hang over it Quite as much as this movie Would make it out to be

Yeah I feel like part of this movie's mission was like, let's ease kids into talking about death. But it's not even easing. It's like, here, kids, here's fucking death and just like shoves them in right into it. Yeah, it's right in your face. So like Casper's like, hey, let's go hang out

on top of this lighthouse where I go every night and stare eerily out into the sea. That's the thing is like she has been like offered a date by neighborhood honk for the dance. Bull cut and all because it's 1995. Right. And Casper is like really like weirdly

jealous and stuff he's super jealous it's so it's really just and by the way we didn't mention it but he like follows her to school and hides out in like oh no the the clocks and stuff this he is overly clingy and he is dangerous what i would say is because this is a kid like remember this is a kid's property this is supposed to be kids hanging out with this ghost and getting in shenanigans this movie is a teen romance yeah that just happens to have a ghost in it the ages are kind of off too because the cartoon is drawn. I mean like Casper's a little kid and Christina

Ritchie's like 13 or 14 in this movie so it's like kind of off but he's saying shit like can I keep you? That was so creepy when I heard that line in the theater when I saw this fucking thing I just kind of was like like what like in a basement? Can I

can I sleep on your bones but he is disgusting and creepy I mean the thing is with the ages I mean by now he's like what like 200 yeah so I don't know he's watching hard copy it's 200 he's watching hard copy he's got the fucking mentality of a little eight year old boys still though

there's also some awkward dialogue and again it's going to be what Andrew it's a kid's movie no because this is really really weird so so they're having breakfast right and christina ritchie like reaches her hand out and she goes uh i've never done anything like

this before and he says something like oh it's okay and she's like can you hurt me and i was like what the fuck are you talking about right now what like what are we talking about and you and you understand you having a conversation with a ghost correct she's like can i hurt you oh maybe like telekinetically he's gonna like do something to her well no he can absolutely that's the thing he lies about this he can absolutely hurt her oh yeah they they're capable of like picking stuff up he almost kills her when he morphs into like oh oh you think that hot hunk is so great well i'm going to morph into something vaguely resembling superman and i'm going to put on an on lcholtenegger voice for a moment and then drag her out of a window where she's kicking and screaming

to be let go he lois lanes her he brings her up into the sky yeah it takes her that lighthouse and being like, isn't this romantic? I think actually he does the come with me if you want to live now. He does. Well, he does. Does he say it's an icon to live? I'm pretty sure. It's an iconic line.

I don't know which one it is, but that sounds like a good one. I think that's it. Here, we'll make a note. Hey, Andrew editing this episode, put in the line. Come with me if you want to live. Oh, it was that one. Oh, wow. See what we did there?

So we're back in this lighthouse where I brought us to before. And Christina Ritchie, out of nowhere, is like, so, uh, how'd you die? This poor little baby ghost. Hey, what are you in for? Yeah, exactly. How did you, uh, become a member of the living dead? And it's like a fucking Simon Birch story. Well, he doesn't remember.

His whole thing is like, because he says like, oh, well, when you die, like your life doesn't matter. So I don't know how I fucking die. I'm just here. Why can't you enjoy my lighthouse? And she's like, because I'm, I'm Wednesday Adams and I'm as morbid as they come. Tell me how you died. Well, he remembers everything up to it.

Right. Remembers his life. And it's clearly a Simon Birch ending. It's clearly a lot, like, he went out and he was slaying too long. Well, so you're getting ahead of yourself. I am. So what happens is she finds Casper's creepy dust-covered playroom. And she's like, oh, look at all these toys from the 19-teens.

And she starts, like, cleaning this room, like, setting up all these, like, cool antique toys and whatnot. And she's like, hey, Casper, come in. I hope this jogs your ghost memory. And this, and the room is so ornate and so crazy. She must have spent, like, a year cleaning this place up. The amount of pine saw that went into cleaning this room is probably astronaut. Mr. Casper's father must have been, like, a wealthy industrialist of some kind. Oh, he was a robber band.

Yeah, absolutely. He was a big, big spender. So what happens is she successfully jogs his memory, and he's like, oh, well, I wanted this sled, and my dad said I couldn't have it. And then one day he just bought it for me. And beat me to death with it. He beat me to death with Rosebud. And he's like, oh, I just went sledding. Like, he basically sled himself to death.

He stayed out too long and he got pneumonia. Yes. Just kind of slipped into pneumonia and fell asleep. Casper did. It's like, you know, you know what, Universal Pictures, I don't need to know how Casper the friendly ghost passed on and became... Why don't we put

any OD done fun? Well, I guess we got to make that a little more real. He didn't brush his teeth. That's the one. His teeth rotted out of his head. He got a blood infection and died. Gingavitis. The mothers will like it. The mothers will like that one. Death by gingivitis.

You know what, Harry? you're fired from this script writing team because you're the one that turned in child killer we're trying to find innocent ways for a little point in time in my original draft Casper was found off the

grisly crime scene off of the I-95 highway he was stuffed in a suitcase signs of a struggle let me ask you something you've seen Jaws you see what happened to Quinn that's kind of what I was going for with Cass So, by this reveal, he also remembers that his dad was a sick inventor, and here's where this movie gets fucking crazy.

He was Nikola Tesla. He was a downright mad scientist. Total mad scientist. So he's like, oh, hey, I remember where my dad's laboratory is. And I'm sitting there like, fucking laboratory. Don't we have a Halloween dance to set up for? What is going on right now? And he's like, oh, yeah, my dad's laboratory.

Oh, and that resurrection machine I seem to have just forgot about. And she's just like, say, what? And he's like, come on, getting this chair ride that I really hope Universal Studios turns into a ride at their park, by the way. Because you know that shit was floated around. Hey, how about we turn the lavender Lazarus Pit ride into a thing at the park? The trio could fly in and call everyone jerks. It's kind of great because it's kind of exactly the same. way Wallace of Wallace

and Gromit wakes up I actually thought it was like a it was like a it's like a pee we Herman ask yeah I hate so this shit is annoying to me right it's like you're an inventor and every wacky inventor like this always invents the shit that's like

I'm too lazy to do the most menial task ever too lazy to brush my teeth well a big robot hand comes out and brushes them for me too fucking lazy to feed my dog well Doc Brown's got a thing that dumps dog food into a dish. Well, I'm telling you what did it, like, some asshole had to quote Albert Einstein's thing about how he only wore one thing every day. And somebody just ran with that.

We're like, I could just be a wacky ass shithead and not brush my teeth like a human being would. I think it's like, it's like trying to show us like, oh, this scientist was so creative that like every little thing he thought of something, a better way to do it. But it's really just like dream bigger, buddy. It's also not a better way to do it because Eric, I, goes through it, and he's almost murdered by two straight raisers. Yeah, yeah. And any decently run universe, Christina Ricci would die from fucking having that toothpaste that is a millennia old.

Yeah, that toothpaste has expired. It is in your mouth. Turn of the 20th century of toothpaste. It's full of like mercury and lead. Oh, yeah. It's just baking soda and dirt. Yeah. It's disgusting.

God, I would not survive back then. You're fucking terrible. One of the first to go. Well, you know what? I'd brush my teeth every day, not with the aid of a robot. Yep. I hate that shit. I hate it on Wallace and Gromit.

I hate it in Back to the Future. Feed your fucking dog and clean yourself. In Wallace and Gromit makes sense because it's a fucking cartoon. This is supposed to be a genius inventor who's in the real world who just fucking found out how to skip the afterlife. By the way, I love that you see a. photo of him like because the whole thing is he makes this invention after Casper

dies right right is what we're led to believe like the town thought he was crazy trying to build this Lazarus machine to bring his dead kid back the fucking photos of him and like these stock newspapers totally just look like Teddy Roosevelt

it's fantastic so they go down in this like secret lab slash office area and here's this huge machine And I'm like, what is this movie getting into? Yeah. And he's like, oh, so here's this machine. All I have to do is sit in it.

And you take this container, which looks like the gummy bears, gummy juice containers from the gummy bears cartoon and shove it in this shit, turn it upside down and go 88 miles per hour. And all of a sudden, I'm just going to have a corporeal body again. Yep. That's it. But so we're setting up that that's what has to be done. But we also have two other storylines happening here.

There's so many balls in the air. Okay. So, my favorite of those two, Kathy Moriarty and Eric Idol, we haven't found the treasure yet. Oh, we need this treasure. Oh, you know what? We can search this house way quicker if one of us dies and becomes a ghost. So now the plot is we have to try to kill one another so one of us can become a ghost and then we can find all the gold we want. Well, they know that there is the safe in the office because they follow them down. into the dungeon layer and she's like oh look at that it's a safe oh i know how i could get in it and they also know that they this lazarus machine exists so she's like all you have to do is die float into the safe get the treasurer and then we'll be out of here in no time so the ghost can just

drag the treasure out of the she's not thinking this again no ghost rules it doesn't fucking matter Yeah, and instead of trying to kill Eric Idol and stuff, she should have just had a few more cigarettes. Boy, that voice. Yeah, that's something. So they get in like kind of a car accident. Well, yeah, it's like she's trying to, after trying to ax Eric Idol and all these other things,

she's trying to run them over in the Rangerover. She drives, she hits like a tree, doesn't realize that she's on the edge of a cliff, opens the door, walks out, and falls down and into the abyss and dies. That's the end of it. She just falls down. She gets fucking full on.

Good son. And Eric Idol, we see him like zipping up and wiggling it out. You know, he just takes a piss on her corpse. I would imagine, anyway. You have to. When you like are some subservient

human being, someone like that and that person dies, you have to piss on them. Yeah. I think that's a rule of the universe. It's like, oh my God, my captor's dead. Piss. And then you hack a loo.

And then just move on with your life. You take that sweet range rover off the cliffside. Now you got a sweet car. Not bad. Also, I would fucking leave. I'm sorry. There's treasure. I don't give it.

I don't think there really is treasure. It's the worst kind of treasure. Unconfirmed treasure. So he turns to walk away after Hock and the Lug and it turns out she's, she's she's, she immediately turns into this. He's like, well, now I'm a ghost. Isn't it a great? Here comes Treasure Town.

And you're like, this movie is fucking terrible. Now we can notice that recently turned ghosts still have clothes or semblance of clothes. Or pantsuits specifically. This is really stupid. Cleavage. Yeah, no, there was some serious boobage going on on this Kathy Moriarty ghost. And I hate this shit. It's like we've got these like three or four bulbous ghost characters that don't

resemble human beings because they're ghosts but like because we've seen this actor throughout the movie the ghost has to look almost exactly like her so she's still got like a tail and shit but she's got like huge kathy moriarty boobs blonde hair out of like none of these ghosts have hair like all the ghosts are white yeah and she's wearing like a green mrs crebopal jacket and like that's the kathy moriardi ghost whatever it looks terrible it's just like a fucking madman creative character. It's just like, fucking throw it up there, whatever he was wearing. Meanwhile, the other ball is Bill Pullman is out drinking with the ghostly trio at the local bar. See, there you go again. You can make friends at the goddamn local bar. They're out drinking.

Go anywhere. I was saying that Casper should go to an orphanage. Fucking doomed kid central. And you can just make friends with all them now. And the few that die of, you know, disinteri or whatever the hell, they come up and they're your friends. It's win, win. It's really. Because kids in an orphanage, they only want two things, a hot meal and a close friend. That's it. And yeah, if you succumb to scabies or whatever the fuck, now you got a ghost friend.

That's great. Casper, go full patent, make it a ghost army and take over this town. Oh, can't cross over that bridge. That leads in the ghost town. Population haunted. Don't you know, Casper, leading the army of darkness up this way. Casper and the Army of Darkness. That's the movie I want to see.

So, Oh, Casper got some pretty extreme socio-economic policies up there and your Army of Darkness. You want my ticket price to go see a Casper movie at 30 now. Bruce Campbell versus Casper. You've got it. Oh, that's how you get money for me. See that little marshmallow chainsawed? I'd love it.

You managed to turn the dead into nationalistic. Pretty proud they are of being dead, aren't they? Oh, it's almost like they've been dead the whole lives. Don't remember anything before being dead socialists. Okay, so they're out drinking. And the ghostly trio are like, we just love Bill Pullman so much. Why don't we kill them?

It's like, where are you getting this from? This is a children's movie. And they're like, yeah, all we got to do is make them want to. of Oz and they got like shotguns shotgun like a golf club or something where does this come from and he's like singing carry like really nelson karaoke or some shit oh it is some classic lonely man karaoke for sure and it's like the bar is like this shanty on a hill it's not like an actual like bar and grill no there's no mudslides at this place whatsoever but there is one drunk customer and no bartender apparently that's the worst kind of bar.

because that's just a fucking free-for-all. They probably killed him already. That was fatso. I used to work here. Oh, Raymond. Oh, I hate coming here on my day off. So Bill Palman's like, you know what? I love you guys.

You guys are my best friends. My wife's dead. My kid's kind of weird. But I don't mind living in this haunted house. I'm going to tell Kathy Moriarty to go sit on it. And he walks outside. and at some point between when they got into the bar to start drinking, and when he decides to exit the bar,

a construction crew came by and cut a huge fucking pit in the front of the place. A hole to the center of the earth, apparently. This is a street cliff. Now, Kathy falls off a regular cliff. He falls down a street cliff. Oh, one of them urban cliffs, huh? Yep, they'll sneak up on you. And so he's dead, and you're like,

holy fuck, like Bill Pullman's going to be a ghost now. So we cut back to this Lazarus room And Casper's like about to do it Kathy Moriarty swoops in There's a big fucking fight She steals the gummy juice And she's like Now it's gonna be mine

And then She mentions that she's the character Who's like Casper's like by the way You can't go back to being a human You have unfinished business as a ghost And she says she doesn't have any And she bursts into like

A bunch of rays of light And disappears That's how ghosts cross over in this world Yeah they tricked her into dying for good. And now she can't you know, you can't take it with you. Which, no, you cannot.

A pardon, memoir. Uh-huh. She's going to heaven. No, she should have burst into red lights, by the way. How do we know she's going to heaven? You could burst into light. Like, I assume, whenever I see shining light, I assume God's presence.

Whenever I see, like, something opening up below and like, red, flaming things going on. shadow or something those white lights in movie terms that's heaven she went to heaven maybe it's white hot well she committed she committed the ultimate sin

suicide so she's definitely going to hell I mean maybe she's not a Catholic it was an accidental suicide while attempting a murder so I think she might be all right I would love it if she got if she was like in defending your life and she had to

explain this to the What? What happened? Oh, we got this file. All wrong. There was treasure. Look, I was trying to get the treasure. What it's you? You fucking angel piece of shit. Immediately sent down.

Just have some pasta. Calm down. That's all. So then inbursts the trio of annoyance. And now ghost Bill Pullman, that looks exactly like a cartoon Bill Pullman, but just painted white. It's ridiculous. He's got hair. He's got glasses.

And it seems like he's going to be drunk forever. And he's already... He's totally fucked up. He's forgotten his daughter. He forgot his daughter. He's just looping around the room seeing... What is he? Cat Balloo.

He keeps on making some rhyme about Cat Balloo. And then she's like, hey, dad, by the way, the last time I saw you, you were totally not dead. And he's like, what? Who's dead? Daddy-o? And she's like, no, you fucking idiot. You are my father. And he, like, slowly remembers.

and like in the greatest like alcoholics regret he's just like oh oh what have I done what I died do I accidentally fell down that hole but thank God we have this hundred year old dayus-x machin us in the face because he just goes inside this thing and Casper's like well my one chance to be reborn and fuck your daughter screwed up so get in and you can because there's only one vial of the potion left by the way of course so this machine works and he comes or any goes and he comes out Bill Pullman again. Here's my question. He goes in his ghost

Bill Pullman and comes out person, Bill Pullman. What's with that body that's down at the end of the street cliff? Are there now two Bill Palman's? Because if so, new Bill Pullman should not attend old Bill Palman's funeral because he might time cop himself. Maybe it becomes a soulless zombie.

Oh. And then joins Casper's army, a darkness. Well, they smartly set up two deaths where more than likely you're not going to find the body anyway. The one is a whole to what I assumed to be the core of the very earth.

The other one is fucking falling into the sea. Main municipal project digging to China. Oh, you might be critical, but it created a whole lot of jobs. Sure was a fool's errand, though. Forgot about that hot, hot core.

I'm just lying. I'm just doing it to fool that fucking Casper again. So he's just alive and you're like, all right, here's a question I have. So there's only one vial left, right? But we've seen multiple other vials. Clearly this machine works because Christina Ricci and Casper figure out how to do it, no problem. So presumably the guy who invented the fucking thing knows how to use it and knows that it works. We have two empty vials.

who did he resurrect before resurrecting the person that he made the invention for in the first place? Who did he bring back? It might be Hitler. Maybe himself? How's a ghost inventing a machine, though? No, but he invents it and then he kills himself. Becomes the ghost.

Oh, to test it. Yeah. And then he's like, yep, works? Well, I am out of here. Yeah. Did he accidentally say he didn't have any more unfinished business. He was like, no, wait, I didn't mean it. Oh, oh, fuck. Now that my

project is complete. No, yeah, he said, he's like, now I can save my son. It's all over. Oh, wait. No, I didn't say that. Wait, I didn't say that. No, no, no, no, no. God's just like, well, you said it. No going back now. Wait to make God's from Maine. Yeah, why not? Oh, oh, what's that?

Casper's father? Created an invention to bring back the dead, eh? Down to hell with you. Casper's father's pulled the hell. Speaking of this potion, there are books everywhere. Try reading one. There might be the ingredients and or also analyze this goddamn potion. There's got to be a chemistry professor in this fucking town.

Oh, yeah. Bring the goddamn thing there. You could be a ghost for a week, Pullman. Yep. Figure it out. Do a little research. You're a big doctor. Come on.

By the way, you're this asshole who's had like, he's like, okay, like it's not been a great. life because his fucking wife died and everything like that i get that and he's obviously insane because he's doing this with his life but you just come in and like casper who's been fucking stuck in this house presumably for like 200 300 400 years or some fucking garbage i don't think it's 400 yeah okay sorry i went a little far 300 years there's no i know it's only a couple years it's maybe like 70 to 80 years still okay he's like okay yeah you can go because he loves christina ritchie so he's like yeah fine you your shithead father can take this life that i've been dreaming about for years now yeah yeah your dad who just got carelessly fucking drunk with my uncles

and killed himself a drunk con artist who's been who's been fleecing the country Fleecing hard copy Which is just the same as fleecing all of America As we discussed This guy gets the hop in this machine Before the little kid who had to die Because he was having a great time He's been fucking making breakfast for you every morning

Fuck you, Pullman Bill Pullman's alive Casper's dead And what's that up there? Oh, the party's starting I can hear digital underground So And then Casper has this fuck

this shit eat in line man oh my god uh your date is probably waiting oh man yeah oh yeah you know now that I'm still dead forever no no why don't you go in your dates your dates upstairs you fucking

horrible person I bet he doesn't feel cold when he touches you bitch it is it might as well he's so disgusted it's great also by the way this pushy ass middle school classroom they broke into this house like set up a stereo system by the way remember it's only that class that

shows up it's not the entire school i think that teacher's doing some weird shit with these kids i think come on kids we're going to go out to the haunted house on the cliffer comes up to the party he's the man that murdered me i remember now oh that would be a great twist i remember what he did to me and he put me in that trunk now uh cat let me ask you but Before we throw this party at this Wipstaff Manor, let me ask. You got working locks on all these doors? Good. Oh, that's real good.

That's what I wanted to hear. What about this iron gate? Does that close or what? Oh, it does? Good. Could you do me a favor? Get one of your classmates here to run outside the gate and you scream in the house. And tell me if he can hear you.

Because that's what I'm wondering. Oh, he couldn't, huh? Perfect. Well, then we're ready to go. You know what? drinks and chips on me party on kids here's some punch i brought said the child murder christina ritchie's mother shows up as an angel goes amy brendaman god damn it you were in heat the same year yes and her first stop is to casper to basically tell him to back the fuck up you know what caspar sometimes

shit just doesn't work out yeah you're dead she's not stay away from my daughter because she knows Amy Brennaman, the angel, knows just what the dead are capable of. She doesn't want that shit anywhere near her teenage daughter. But here's the thing. Amy Brennaman is dressed in red. So I think she's in hell. She's the trickster

devil. I think she's in hell. Wait, is this? Oh, man, the whole game was rigged. People were good go to hell. People who are shitty go to heaven. Did not see that twist coming, Casper the movie. So she's like, listen, Casper. I'm cat's mom and I'm an angel in case you were wondering. And you did a really great thing back there,

letting my shit-eating husband cut in line to the Lazarus machine and bring his drunk ass back to life. And, you know, you sacrificed your turn. That's really noble. So I'm going to grant you this random amount of time to be a human being tonight. You get till 10 p.m. to be a real boy again. And he's like, but it's 9.40.

And she's like, 10 o'clock. And he's like, but Cinderella got till midnight. And she's like, don't push it. So then we now we don't see the morphing process here, which is obnoxious. We just get the reveal. And it's this boy dressed like Huck Finn at the top of the stairs. Cut to him spending the entire time in his room masturbating. It's back.

It's back. It's back. I never got to try it out all the way. I keep hearing those filthy uncles talking. about it so so he ends up dancing with christina ritchie but while that is happening while but while that is happening she visits bill pullman oh yeah and she has straight his ass out some words for him and i wrote down what basically saying how what a terrible father he is and one of the things she advises bill pulman to stop doing is to stop feeding christina ritchie

french fries for breakfast listen i've been watching and this french fry for breakfasts thing you've started. Yeah, you got to knock that shit off. Yeah, if that, but also, if that's happening, I need to see it, man. I'm sorry. You want to see the French fry breakfast? If that's, if that's one of your lines, dude, I just watched her eat like, what, like the fucking fast food, like, donut and cake and candy breakfast.

Well, Casper makes them an actual breakfast, though. It's like a stack of flapjacks and, like, some eggs and shit. It's a well-balanced meal. It's a perfect way to start your dad. You're right, though, we have no real understanding that he, aside from going out and leaving his daughter home alone and getting fucked up and killing himself accidentally, that he's like a bad dad. Like, he seems like a caring enough guy. He's a bad dad because he drags her all around the country. Oh, well, yeah.

She keeps on saying, why can't I be normal? Why can't I be normal? Can I just, can I just go to school like once? No, we're going ghost hunting. No, we're going to be on hard copy. God damn it. Do you know what hard copy can do for my bogus job? The only case you got to the bottom of up was a bottle.

Yeah, I mean, after this, he's got, I mean, I would have thought the, I mean, the lonely and the insane in America, I thought would be flooding his phone messages. I thought he would really, other than, you know, Matt, you know, Moriarty wants the money and the treasurer. Right. But, like, his business should be really skyrocketing now. If ever it was going to, right after that hard copy store, it should be skyrocketing. Well, it's not really made clear how she makes contact with him, but I would wager like he doesn't have a working phone and whatever flop house they're living in. That's just what I'd put out there. So down the stairs, while this conversation is going on upstairs, comes teen heartthrob Devon Sawa, Canada's Devon Sawa, and he comes down, and they start dancing.

And even though he's a boy, he still has ghost powers, because they're dancing around, and he, like, makes them levitate like a few feet off the ground. well maybe it's just so magical you know oh like that wasn't even casper's doing that was just the universe saying like you know this is so right yeah exactly the ghost of the ghost of love doing that the love specter made its way to the Halloween tent oh man that's creepy you know it's also creepy speaking of creeps that teacher that we keep making fun of uh goes to the party dressed as a lobster do you think there's a lot of him going up to these like 14 year old kids like pinch pinch hey I'm a Halloween lobster. Do you have a pinch for your Halloween lobster? Pinch, bitch. Hey, I'm a lobster. Want to suck something out of my tail.

Oh, my God. That is a whole new level of lobster jokes. That's just butter sauce. It's okay. Oh, no, yeah. Put your biscuit in it. Oh, man. They got fucked up teachers in Maine.

This doesn't wallow in it for a minute here. I need to take a shower after that joke. So then, like, the clock strikes 10. And he's like, well, that was a fun 15 minutes. And turns, like, they kiss as the clock striking. So Casper gets his first kiss. And then he turns back into the ghost. And all the kids are like, it's a go, go, go, go, go, go.

And they run out of the house and, like, the teachers run after. I'm like, get back here. I got to pinch you. And they all just clear out. And then, like, in the biggest, like, ending of non-ending. Like, Christina Ritchie is like, huh well guess the party's over or we know how to clear a room party's over and bill palman's just like not yet it's not and the fucking three ghosts just start singing a song it's the casper theme song

and it's like he's sort of doing like a little richard impression yeah one of the ghosts is and they just start singing casper the friendly ghost credits and i'm like why would these three ghosts spend the movie doing nothing but hating Casper's guts, sing a theme song that they have no knowledge of its existence. Well, whatever, the credits are on, who cares? I would have much preferred a Beetlejuice ending

where she floats up and starts fucking singing and dancing and Mambo in or whatever the fuck. You know what? I would have liked sandworms to get a lot of them. Every single character. Sandworms just take the whole house. Yeah. That'll be fantastic. Oh, the oops, the house was on

sad. Oh, Bill Pullman. Bill Pullman dancing to Harry Belafonte, I want it. It would be great. But a movie like this needs like a week later or like a month later. Like, you know, here's how we've adapted living with the ghosts without fear of Kathy Moriarty reprisal or something. Yeah. By the way, Christina, fucking thank God he has some kind of knowledge of psychiatry because his daughter just made out with a ghost. Like she has romantic feelings for a ghost.

Do you think it's awkward? like that's why they had to end the movie because now it's awkward between her and Casper it's gonna be super awkward I can't imagine like Dad can we hit the road again I noticed that I wanted to settle down you gotta move you absolutely have to move but he's gonna follow you you can follow you can follow you that's the thing yeah you're stuck you know what Richie you really fucked yourself with this one you're totally stuck in like 20 years she's married with kids

Casper's just sitting in her bedroom no that's fucking night that's a cat woman that is a cat lady if I ever heard one Bill Paulman dies off, becomes cartoon ghost Bill Paulman again. And he used to fend off Casper from like the entitying his daughter. I told you to keep away, a little ghost pervert. Can you imagine just for all eternity, you're just stuck with this little kid? That's obnoxious. I would be like, all right, if you're going to grow up with me,

you have to start like reading the same things I do and watching the same things I do so we can like kind of make you grow up mentally because I can't sit around 45-year-old lady you know, playing with your toy set and sledding in the backyard. Well, that's what's, I mean, remember, think about it. Like, that's about as close as he's going to get to something like losing her virginity.

So if you want to talk about like a, like, fucking attachment. Oh, yeah. No, it's forever. Forever. You are with him forever. And she better hope that when death comes for her, All her business is sealed up tight. I don't think so.

She was once romantically involved with this ghost. I feel like that's going to get you. That's like the automatic unfinished business. I think so like, yeah. I mean, you've got to settle this. God, then it's just like. I guess they have the both. The afterlife together.

I'm stuck with this obnoxious little baby. For that one kiss with Devin Sawa, which she already did in now and then. She has fucked her entire life. And afterlife. You hear that kids, don't kiss no ghosts. You better not be kissing no ghosts, God damn it. Stay away from those lock and lip ghosts. There's a lot of fights between Casper and Pullman ghost.

Oh, yeah, probably. There's a lot of, like, you think you know me. I'm way older than you are technically. He keeps calling him his father-in-law. He's like, don't you call me that. Not your father-in-law, God damn it. Although there is a chance that Bill Pullman's ghost would, uh, get trapped on the lost highway

and then he can't do anything. Man, I would love it if Casper runs into Robert Blake's character from that movie. Oh yeah, Casper's body was dumped off of I-95 which connects to the Lost Highway. There's like a creepy fork in the road. And that's where all this takes place.

I mean, frankly, you know, Bill Pullman as ghost psychiatrist or experimental saxophonist, about the same difference. really to me president ghost psychiatrist experimental saxophonist whatever yeah that's about right

lone star would uh would anybody recommend the live action casper adaptation absolutely not I was dying throughout this

it was boring the stuff with the three ghosts is it is intolerable in every every sense of the word beginning to end did you like this in 95 or when I saw it I remember, like, being, okay, that movie happened and, like, leaving, but, uh, you know, I didn't have any ill will towards it or anything like that. But now it's just I was done. And like, there's a lot of like fake Burton stuff going on. Like a lot of the design in the house. It also remind me of the house in Mouse Hunt. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of similarly. It's a similar thing. And those are, you know, Burton, I would take almost any Burton movie over this. And I would definitely take Mouse Hunt over this. Oh, Mouse Hunt's a great movie. Yeah, I love Mouse Hunt.

I would say never watch this movie. This is the worst movie ever. I saw this in the theater as a kid and I was like, nope, not having it. And I maintain that today. You are better for it. I saw this movie in the theater, day it came out. And we had it on home video. I have seen this movie.

I'm not even shitting you like 25, possibly 30 times. It was just one of those tapes that got rotation in our house. Like I had younger siblings. We just had it on all the time. and I was terrified watching it today for the first time in well over like 10 maybe even 15 years watching this movie and I was anticipating the lines as the actors were you know we're delivering them and I was like my god the space in this noodle with useless shit like that it's disgusting the boys got the shitting yeah that is what happens when you just absorb dialogue from crappy movies it's the shitting ability It's not the shining. It's the shitting.

So, yeah, needless to say, I would not recommend it either. It's intolerable. The fucking closet case joke, you know, these cameos, everything about this movie is so wrongheaded from its like treatment of, you know, how you can explain death to kids. That fucking Lazarus machine is like the biggest cock tease of like, oh, so my dad died of fucking skin cancer. You're saying that I can put him in this box and it'll come back. Bill Pullman did it. Like, it's just, it's so bad. It almost makes Ghost Dad look like a good movie in that regard.

Because Ghost Dad kind of plays with like, oh, maybe you could come back to life too, but it's the weird, like, the daughter, like, dies. And she's like, I love being a ghost. And like Bill Cosby's just like, that's a bad idea. You shouldn't be dead. I'm dead, but I hate it. Like, you know, this movie's like, being dead's fantastic. And not in like a fun Beetlejuice way.

No. Like, hey kids, dead can be funny too. We eat donuts and chocolate. and fly around and doing dead's great everybody yeah it's so fucking wrongheaded but like and like but it's really it's by the seat of your pants about death like other than devonsawa which i mean it is like a heart stopping scene because he's like and then i got cold they got colder and i was in a sick bed and it just goes on with this like detailed conversation about how he slipped into the never and she says to never she's like what's it like to

die and he's like it's kind of like being born but backwards and I'm like that's not even an answer to anything I'd give it about a B I'd give it a D for death that's Casper from 1995 directed by a fella named Brad Silberling be sure to catch up on our on screen that we're about to record right now on the first of four directed DVD Casper sequels right now right now yeah we're going to start doing a little mini episode on the movie that was made right after this Casper, a spirited beginning, which is a prequel. Yes.

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that I think we should now just keep you throwing out for every episode, tell some folks about the show. Spread the good word about we hate movies. You like it. Chances are other people will too. That is it for our Halloween spooktacular 2013. We will roll on next week with some non-horror-related films.

It's been a successful spooktacular, I feel. Give it about a beat. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. You think you got it tough. I got a facelift.

There was one just like it underneath.