We Hate Movies - S4 Ep131: Episode 131 - Deep Blue Sea

Episode Date: November 12, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang goes a few leagues under the sea with Sam Jackson and Tom Jane in the 1999 sharksploitation flick, Deep Blue Sea! How did this movie get away with ripping off Jurassic Park so bad? Why was that huge window a window and not a viewfinder? And how is Saffron Burrows letting so many people go party on the eve of their experiment? Plus: The Tea Party has a time tunnel we might be able to use. Deep Blue Sea stars Saffron Burrows, Samuel L. Jackson, Thomas Jane, Michael Rapaport, Stellan Skarsgard and LL Cool J; directed by Renny Harlin. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin, Steven Zadak. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this is the second. week of our stay tuned month explanation really quickly throughout the show's history when we bring up another show that we realize is also terrible we sort of

qualify the mention with a stay tuned as in maybe we'll do an episode on that someday so here we are November 2013 every episode in this month has been something we've stayed tuned in the past and here we are with Deep Blue Sea from 1999 directed by Finnish

slash Hollywood or I'll say Hollywood by way of Finland super director Rennie Harlan You know we just finished up that spooktacular This is sort of like a puktacular

But I guess that's all year round Yeah it's just it's all crap I love this movie I am I am happy for stay tuned month It's just like It's just getting things off my bucket list It's like one day I'll talk about deep blues thing Yeah it's because it's kind of like

You know we say stay tuned when it's like wow, that's going to be a real headliner. So this is like a month of headline shows. It's also that thing of like, you know, I'll fix that junk drawer in my, you know, in my kitchen. One day, stay tuned, junk drawer. I'm coming for you. And it feels good to like fix it, get it on the right track and then have the old fixed. Yeah, if a podcast, if like the podcasting world had like a sweeps month, you know what I mean?

Like this would be our sweeps month doing this. So 1999, Deep Blue Sea comes out, and it's the most shark-tastic film of the year. It's the best Jaws sequel that never happened. It's everything I wanted. I've seen all the Jaws sequels except for the second one at this point. By that, I mean three and four. And it's what I wanted each time. It's just like a big body count, a lot of interesting shark deaths.

Well, Steve, you do know that this is a Jaws. sequel. Oh, really? Do you guys read that little piece of trivia that the license plate in the shark's mouth at the start of the film is the same one is it from Jaws? That's really terrible. So,

I'm back. Hey, do you miss me? There's no brodie's here, but a plenty of egg heads. I thought I passed that license plate years ago. But who would guess? Wow, just goes to show you should really get a shark colonoscopy. Who

knows what's still stuck in there? They found it in my mouth. All right. I brought it up that McKittridge boy the other day. I thought I'd passed him too. So this, of course, for anyone who doesn't remember, this is the

super genius shark movie, right? And, you know, something movies are kind of obsessed with from time to time in the science fiction realm is like, you know, we have to do something. And if we do this, it's going to be the cure for a human-related thing, right? So a human-related ailment. In this case, it's Alzheimer's. Apparently, sharks' brain cells don't deplete

the same way human beings does. So, you know... It's that Alzheimer's horror movie you've been waiting for forever. The Alzheimer's Thriller of the Year. Unforgettable. So can we talk about the cold open to this thing? It's ridiculous. Yes, because I've seen this movie a bunch of times, and I did not remember this cold open to save my life. We take a little bit of time to get on this Aqua Base, by the way. Yeah, we could call it an Aqua Base.

It's Aquatica is the name of the Aqua Base. And it's not a sea lab. I've been calling it Shark Jail. Shark Jail is also good. Aquabase or Shark Jail. A third option? Sharkum. Sharkum Asylum. For all the crazy sharks.

And Killer Crock. so we cold open and it's a sexy teen makeout party on a boat check mark by the way yeah you know for anyone who who tuned into this movie because they wanted to see like a horror like slasher set up fine a bunch of teens fucking on a boat there's a great line in here it's two couples that are getting it on like different parts of this boat so it's not like that furniture store scene we had a couple weeks ago it's pretty close because i mean how it's not a yacht there's not levels it's just like i guess so but you know what if you're not an eye shot you know you're doing better already there's a great line though where one of this guy one of the guys says uh like it's

it's two dudes and two chicks and the dudes like look at each other at one point and the guy goes the other guy he says uh hey we're having a party man and i was like yep thanks for telegraphing that cold open and the way the shark finds out about this i guess it's like they spill a bottle of red wine. First of all, teenagers drinking red wine. I mean, ooh, sophisticated. Yeah, these are some saucy teens. And are you trying to tell me that they would, this

shark would mistake red wine for blood? No, this shark is a super genius, Eric. Therefore, he's like, ooh, a nice throaty red. Interesting. Oh, 96 a good year. You know what pairs with this? People.

Wait, is this Merlot? Oh, look at this. It's got that hint of Oak, I love. Aroused teenagers. And the way that, like, this movie starts is very much like a Batman movie, speaking of Sharkum, because, like,

the shark starts hitting the boat, the teens fall into the water, and you're like, well, here it comes, you know, sushi city for this shark right now. And, like, as the shark's about to close in, all of a sudden it gets, like, hooked, and you're like, what? And no one hears him

arrive, but there is time. Thomas Jane in this boat just caught that shark just in the nick of time. It's like, really, you didn't see this boat pull up. Was he in stealth mode or something? He had to have been there watching these teenagers have intercourse. And that's probably what he does with his spare time. Well, he's, I mean, the call sheet for this character is Batman mixed with Han Solo. And that's it.

Like, he's a rogue. He's got like a couple of things in his past. He's not too proud of. but he's also a super genius he's also really good in a fight he's really good with a harpoon gun and he's also apparently like an ex-con of some kind yeah make reference to that and what's great is like you know ex-cons they get out of prison they got to get like a you know a work to release type thing you're doing like construction yeah something like that this guy somehow he gets out a jail and he's working on this

top secret shark base I mean that's a get for an ex con that's a get job. That's a huge get. You have to even to be like I feel like to work at SeaWorld you need to get a fake name if you have a record. You know what I mean? Like you're not probably. Well you know SeaWorld you're

around kids more right this is like you know you're at a shark jail. I mean they don't elaborate as to why Thomas Jane was in prison but I my first guess would not be for sex crimes against children. Oh, well, that was mine.

My first guest. He was watching those teenagers fornicate. Oh. That's what he was doing there. They locked him up for it before. He's gotten out. And now he's like, he's got the taste for it again. You know, the hunger.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, you know, he goes to parole officer. Look, it's international waters. I can't get much farther from the school, right? There's no kids out there, right? Oh, wait. They're here. Oh, that's.

tempted me again. They fucking found me. No! He hears about those semester at sea things that you can do. Oh, no. Oh, fuck! All these kids on the boat hear like the Jaws theme, but it's someone beaten off that's making that like to the rhythm.

That would really be difficult. Yeah, I like masturbating to John Williams' jaws score. We should try it sometime. You want to get exhausted try. Try Raiders of the Lost Ark That would be Duel of the Fates You and a buddy

You do you want a double-edged one with that one Right You're off beat, Randy Hala Hey ha That should be You and a friend Are beating off

Okay And then there's a guy in the middle With a double-edged dildo Right That's just sort of banging them together I just got face paint like Darth Mall for no reason This is as authentic as it gets, guys How many times do you think people looking a little bit like

Darth Mall went to sex clubs? Like is that a sex club? Oh, you mean they dress up as well, yeah, not like reptile people I thought you meant someone that happened to be born with red and black flesh one please yeah you know people get dressed up for all sorts of things

yeah that's true so we cut to we cut to uh saffron burrows throwing a newspaper on a desk with like teens in trouble escape shark wreaks havoc

yeah and Samuel Jackson isn't having it also not having it Robocops Ronnie Ronnie Cox no dialogue in this movie just erased from like there's even when they cut this scene

it appears like Ronnie Cox had a line and it's like nope you're going to cut you're not going to say a fucking word Ronnie Cox why is he there he's a perennial evil business man so to make you don't need him to say anything you just look at and be like oh that guy's up to no good that's all

I need I mean it's the weirdest thing ever like why it's it's probably the biggest Hollywood insult right yeah to to show up to do a movie like deep blue sea you're probably being like oh you know need a little chunk of cheddar let me just go by down there

and then you show up and they cut you out of it it's even it's even worse to be a lot of people get cut out of movies for all sorts of reasons you're in the movie Samuel Jackson is saying things probably in response to your dialogue

but for whatever they cut you right out of the fucking it's turned to an extra what's ridiculous though is like Saffron Burroughs and Sam Jackson are having a conversation and Ronnie Cox is sitting there the entire time

Yeah. They're talking around him, like, as if he's not even there. So it's not even like, oh, maybe he got some lines cut. It's like he's just ignored. Like, I don't know if he's friends with someone that was making the movie or what. I mean, it's kind of like being that third guy in a duel of the fates jerk off session. It's a little awkward. I mean, you're there. Ronnie Cox is just sitting there banging that dildo together. Yeah. No effect. And you recognize him as you would Darth Mall. He's just, glare he's just right there you can't miss it it's like what does ronnie cox have to say about this oh i'm never going to find out all right actually i like the way that we're just going into this fetish kitchen and making a new fetish

you know what i mean and a little salt and ronnie cogs wait this is a new fetish i just made it yeah the duel of the fates we're going to get in the email that's like uh actually did that some of us were in college in 1999 starcon two thousand one

Look out. The lustiest star con of them all. Hey, speaking to Hollywood insults in Ronnie Cox, though, there's a bigger Hollywood insult that Ronnie Cox has experienced in his life. It's a movie I watched recently on Netflix, which it's him and Treat Williams and some other girl, I don't know. And it's like some sort of like dinosaur movie, but it's clearly made for sci-fi. Sure. And these dinosaur effects are fucking terrible. And it's basically like that third act of the Lost World Jurassic Park

but that's the whole movie and like Ronnie Cox is the evil businessman that's like brought all these dinosaurs back to life slumming it. Ronnie Cox and Treat Williams in that movie. Yeah. That sounds like a chore. So that sweet sci-fi paycheck.

So the whole thing here, the whole like thrust of this movie is Sam Jackson has been funding Saffron Burrell's Alzheimer's with Sharks project and he's going to cut the funding because of the accident, it's made him look bad, and she says, okay, listen, you're going to throw all of this research away, all this money that you've thrown into it, just give me the weekend, come down with me to, you know, the shark station, come down to Sharkum, and I'm

going to show you the experiment, you're going to see that it works, and then, you know, maybe then reevaluate whether or not you're going to cancel the funding. It's very Jurassic Park. It's so super Jurassic Park. It's not even funny. And that movie was just a mere five or six years before like what how are you getting away with sam jackson in it yeah sam jackson and people travel via helicopter there via helicopter the ocean yep take a boat it's submarine anything all right give me two weeks we're going to go by by by by yacht and it's going to see a week to get there it'll be great we're going to go to shark him in a hot air balloon

and you're going to have a whole lot of time to rethink cutting off the funding for this project because it's going to take us 17 days to get there. We're going to go to Pinta and get over there. So, you know, they get to Sharkum, you know, Shark base, and we're introduced to our rogues gallery of 90s character actors. It's a little twisterish. We've got a fun kind of eccentric team. It's a fun eccentric team of scientists, which is why it's very twister, in my opinion. Yeah, you've got Ada Taturo who's just like the lookout, I guess. She's also like the meteorologist or something.

She's monitoring all the weather patterns, which, because by the way, much like Jurassic Park, there's a hurricane coming to the area where they are. All of these movies always get fucked up by hurricanes. If I'm ever in a room where somebody's like, you know, creating a terrarium or a some sort of. of biodome, like, all right, hold on, what happens of a hurricane? I'm going to ask the question now. Before you house these dinosaurs or these evil clones or this time machine, what happens

of a hurricane comes by? Exactly. And if your science project is not necessarily location specific such as a time machine or I guess possibly sharks also, you know what I'm saying? Like you could figure out ways to keep sharks in not necessarily tropical waters. How about you relocate your base to, like, the North Atlantic or something? Or underground with swimming pools.

That would also work. I killed all the sharks. That'd be my experiment. Cisca! Where are all these sharks dead? Dere, I don't know. I thought they wanted chlorine in them water. I thought sharks hated to move.

No, they love to move, you idiot! And that's, well, actually, that's not the story. of me. That's the story of Damien Hurst. Little art jokes. There we go. When I was watching this movie, when they brought up all the stuff about like sharks, they can't swim backwards, they don't sleep and whatnot. I was like, that sounds crazy.

And I went on my phone and I like Googled do sharks sleep and read this whole like this report in like a, you know, oceanographic journal about like why they don't technically sleep. And apparently, like, all fish are like this. And I'm sitting there watching this movie, like, freaking myself out, reading this science journal. Oh, no, sharks don't sleep. Like, oh, man, no fish sleep the way we sort of sleep. Oh, no. There can be a fish behind this door right now.

They don't sleep, but your phone actually dreams if you've been to that sprint. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, isn't that great? That's true. Has anyone ever done that? No. No, I mean, look. There's some dumb kids.

Yeah. Who's done that? Oh, yeah. People have done it. I just meant if you were asking, like, in this room, taking a pole of the room. No, I haven't done it. No one should have. All it's doing is your phone doesn't sleep, but it sure can get a lot of unwanted text messages if you text that number.

You don't have a lot of nightmares if you text that number. Yeah, a lot of terms and conditions. So we've got into tutorial watching the crow's nest. Michael Rappaport is kind of like the guy that knows the facility inside and out he's like the rain man like engineer right

I viewed him as like the ocean townie just his attitude and stuff you know like he's you know he's from that part of the ocean I mean my family from the algae cliffs or whatever I like the algae jets yeah the algae jets

I mean yeah again taking this Staten Island dump accent with him wherever he goes. You're just, you look at him and you're like, I'm sorry. You're not a shark scientist. Or you're not a structural engineer who runs this facility. You're just not.

You're a guy that hangs out at Sharkum. And that's fine. Just be that. Be the Sharkum like bartender. You know, like you operate the Sharkum you know, tavern that's on this thing. And that's just what you

do. Hey, Tom, Jane, what's your poison? Yeah. Exactly. That's much more natural than him, like, spewing figures for, like, how many pounds of pressure, certain parts of this structure could take before they collapse. I'm like, I'm not buying

this from you. Well, that's the only, this is like the one and only time you played a genius, right? Like, that's kind of, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. One and done. And we've got L.L. Cool Jakes, frying some stuff up as the chef named Pre. He's a chef. He's named, it's too much for L.L. Cool, Jay. One, he's a L.L. Cool, Jay. Exactly, L. Cool, Jay. Two, he's a chef. Three, he's named Preacher, and four, he's got a hilarious parrot sidekick. That's almost, you know, and it's interesting because you reminded me, LL. Cool, J. It's not the first time that he's done this. Because I believe it was the year before. Pretty sure, 98. Don't, don't, don't quote me on that. But Halloween H-2-0 comes out, where he plays essentially,

three things. L.L. Cool, J. Because that's a role in and of itself. He plays a security guard for the private school where Jamie Lee Curtis's son goes. Okay, security guard. And also, he's the writer of adult erotica

novels. Yep. Too much. Too much. It's totally too much. Especially for a tertiary character. You get one thing. Just be a security guard. Michael Rapporte doesn't have anything going on. He's just like, I'm kind of a genius. Yeah, he's not structural engineer, slash Michael Rappaport slash chess expert.

All Aida Toto has to do is make her peace with God because she's going down. Like that's just, she's not making it. So we have her. We got Stellan Scars Guard as random scientist. He's kind of evil a little bit. He's just, well, that's just Stel and Scars. Yeah, he's prickly.

That's all, you know, he's not any more evil than Stellan Scars got out any other day. And this is 99, so he's not huge in America just yet. so you know he's he's not a huge character he's got a lady friend scientist or she might be his wife i don't know who's that actress is she anybody no she's a lady she's kind of giving the uh intro monologue to everybody she kind of takes you she's your eyes and ears into this into a aquatica what i don't get uh well like when sam jackson gets here thomas jane has this exchange with him about like uh you know they don't eat sharks don't

eat people you know they bite you because they mistake you for a seal or whatever and he's like he says something like uh or maybe just a stuff suit and they're all like given sam jackson like the big fuck you yeah and they're like oh word travels fast you're gonna cut our fucking funding and it's like hey guys he's here to evaluate everything right now why don't you butter him up a little bit and isn't in the last scientific expedition that he's taken like he might have murdered people or eaten them what was that about he's got like that mysterious checkered past it's a checkered past

in where he was hiking in the Alps with some people like climbing a mountain and there was an avalanche and so he says something about like nine people got stuck up there but seven came down and it's something like it might be cannibalism or they might have just killed people for being

dicks he's like no nine people went up there seven five came down and two were killed by the avalanche figure it the fuck out And Thomas Jane's just like, I don't give a shit. Is this a regular avalanche or a shark avalanche? I have to bring that up because I think that's an upcoming sci-fi movie.

Is there a shark avalanche happening? Yeah, it's coming up. Is it Brian Austin Green in that one? Did he make it out of Shark Nado? No, Ian Zering was in Shark Nado. Oh, you're right. Excuse me. And speaking of those movies, the graphics in this movie are the Sharknato level. It's just the same level.

of crap. To be fair though, this was cutting the cutting edge shark graphics. Shark NATO just like picked up the floppy disc that had all these effects on it and crammed it into their fucking Dell. That is true. That's what's amazing though. It's like this movie, Deep Blue Sea

in 1999, so that's what, 14 years ago? That movie has like these graphics and this is a multi-million dollar movie and this is all you guys. got out of it. Cut to 2013. Shark Nato comes out.

Same shark. Way less money. It's amazing to see that happen and it's hilarious that the example we get to use is computer animated sharks. It's shark flation is what it is. Goddamn sharkflation. The

idea. I'm worth less than I used to be. What can I say boys? We all age a little bit. Hey, at least I'm not like the U.S. dollar, right? Yeah, that and a nickel get you a cup of coffee, but even that's not true anymore. Shark political stand-up comedy.

Maybe there's a Euro shark. Oh, hey. I'm worth twice as much as you are on the swimmers. Oh, so pompous. Such a fancy pants over there in old Europe. Also, I was just thinking about this because of like the idea of like trying to shut down this facility. while in the midst of really dangerous shark experiments?

Yes. When the shutdown happened last month, how many, like, experimental facilities were shut down? Like, how many, like, man monkeys were running loose and God? Like, you know what? Here's the answer. You don't want to hear it. More than we know. Yeah, they're still trying to lock down NASA.

I bet that place is going crazy right now. Unicorns and monkeys running around. All sorts of aliens. trying to take over the place. Look, if I, if I stop manning this time tunnel, the whole shit's going to go down. Well, you got to go. Got to go. No, that's exactly what it was.

The fucking idiot tea party just got in there and they were being dicks about everything. They're like the Richard Thornburg, you know, from Ghostbusters. Like, yes. He's going to fucking shut down the containment unit. And then, like, you know, like the rest of the country is like Bill Murray. Like, I wouldn't do that, man. And then, like, the tea party was like, you have this man arrested. And then the tea party with their big red goatee just had the Con Ed guy turn it off.

And I guess I would be the Rick Moranus in that situation because I didn't follow the story that well. I'm just over somewhere possessed by Zool. Yeah, you know what? That's going to be on your fucking tombstone. Who turned out the lights? I mean, so we're in the middle of this shark. Basically, like Jurassic Park, everyone is leaving. Aquatica for the weekend. Oh yeah, the

skeleton crew on the weekend. Which is such bullshit because Aquatica really has two days left. Like, hey, look, I know we usually give you guys off on the weekend, but really, we got Sam Jackson coming. Yeah, we've got we got to kind of pepper this place up a little bit. He needs to see what this

looks like when it's running at full capacity. Yeah, I mean, he's pumping all that money in and you're showing him like the Rinky Dink version. What's great too is Sam Jackson's like, where's everybody going and saffron burrows is like oh you know well on the weekends you know a bunch of people go to the mainland or whatever and it can same jackson looks out over the water and it cuts to this boat

and there's a bunch of people like yohoo like just already getting the party started on this work related barge i kind of want to be the guy that like stays on that barge for the whole week doesn't do any work but just gets to hang out with all the people for their weekend you know because those guys are really cutting loose, I bet. Oh, well, dude, it's the same thing. And, you know, we bring this up a lot on this show, but, like, we brought it up on Jaws 3D with, like, the, the townie workers. The same thing in Aspen Extreme, like, what the townie people are doing when they're not working at the resort, they're drinking and fucking and smoking cigars, playing cards, like, they're having a great time. Yeah, if you're on Aquatic five days out of the week, you are getting shit hammered the other one of the other people.

Absolutely. Absolutely. So we have all these people. They're prepping to do. this experiment. The experiment is, you know, they have to catch one of these sharks, get it into the laboratory, suck out the brain juice, which is, I believe, a note that I wrote in my phone. And, you know, then they're going to, you know, drop it on some human brain tissue or something. And the protein is going to Yeah, let's see what happens. Yeah, that is Saffron Burroughs hypothesis. And the procedure

in which they have to lock down this shark in order to extract that brain juice? Yeah. That is something else. First of all, they have to load stuff up on a zip drive. Oh, man, a fucking zip drive. Could you believe it when you saw it? I couldn't believe it. That's like looking straight through time.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys have zip drives? I did not. I had zip drives. I had a zip drive. I'll tell you this. Get ready.

Get ready. I also had a jazz drive. What the hell is a jazz drive? So I Omega, the company that made zip drives, right? Well, they also came out with a jazz drive that the discs were a higher capacity than even a zip drive. Shockful of Miles Davis. A little coltrain. Well, that was that weird time of like mini discs and nobody knew what the next phase of CDs were going to be.

Man, when the CD trays started coming with like the little like inside tray where you put the miniser. CDs. Yeah. Fuck that. I could see mini CDs back then. I'm like, I knew that wouldn't fly. No one was going to go for it. I just knew it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough. I lived at home until I was about 25. And for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life.

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dot com slash w hm which stands for we hate movies so like all right yeah let's let's let's we have these three sharks one of them one of whom is already almost killed five teenagers nobody's too upset about that shark no or like you know maybe these sharks are dangerous

maybe we need to like sedate these sharks nothing look we got two days left so Saffron Burroughs catches her shark we put it into the facility and everyone's kind of going get ready to fucking you know they do this procedure they make it go to sleep you know Thomas Jane or whatever

Thomas Jane has to go into like an underwater tunnel okay it's like a netted or like a caged tunnel or some shit and he's got like his knockout gun with him and he like goes up and two sharks kind of like come at him from either side and they're like holy fuck like did they plan this that's weird and he pulls out his gun to like knock one of them out and the sharks both back up and everyone on the crew freaks out because they're like sharks can't swim backwards but they just did that and samuel jackson has some line where he's like they just recognize that gun did anybody else see that and you know you start to getting these hints early on that these sharks are super smart because yeah they see the gun and they back away they've also they're so smart they've figured out how to do something

physically impossible for them which is to swim backwards and still in scars guards there to be like all right everyone let's settle down let's do our jobs that's what we're here like stop speculating about sharks look i know sharks can swim backwards that one just did let's just move on let's not belabor the point it's kind of i don't know what that accent is it was it was all right and then it kind of took a turn to triumph the insult comic dog hey Thor nice hammer idiot

Stellan Scarsguard in the dark world hey Cat Danny's nice face for me to poop on well he is right he is absolutely right so they put this fucker to sleep and they they strap him down

in this like they have them like in this bay like inside of their little research facility there and they bring down this giant thing from the ceiling that it's like this it like clamps down onto the the really hard yet smooth looking shark skin oh it's just a glistening little bit of shark skin you see there and like it's like got these little closet cling onto it and then it's got this giant needle that goes down into the shark brain and like it wakes up for a second and like tries to bite at her and like it just gives up and then like Tom Jane's just like

oh he must be dreaming it's like that Hayden Christensen movie awake he's just like no I'm not asleep during my surgery no don't cut me off and I'm awake it's every shark's nightmare I forgot that existed that movie's terrible that the helmet that this little shark has to wear though reminded me of in the first back to the future

when Marty's back in 195 and he first goes to Doc's house and he knocks on the door and Christopher Lloyd opens the door and he's wearing the huge contraption that's going to let people read their mind or whatever I was like, is this shark going to try to read someone's mind psychic sharks? Because holy shit, that's a movie.

These sharks are pretty close to psychic once we get into their comings and goings. So, you know, we abstract the whatever, the protein. and everyone's like high-fiving and Steld's car's card gets a little too cash with his shark he lights a cigarette and he goes

we did it, pal, all right? And then the shark just fucking takes his arm. I'm not your pal bro. I mean this shark bites this dude's arm off and the violence is so crazy. I was like, I remember the first time I saw it

thinking like, oh it's it's this kind of a movie. oh wow okay like i was expecting kind of like a dull sea adventure this movie to its benefit is incredibly violent and incredibly gory too he just bites off his arm because oh you got another smoke for me pal oh no i'll just bum yours he eats his arm down to the cigarette and it's just puff it away at it like ah and everybody starts freaking the fuck out tom jane goes to try to kill it and Saffron Burroughs

releases it back into the water you know she has her own reasons and Tom Jane's like what are you fucking crazy do you see what just happened and you know now we have to call the helicopter we got to get we need immediate medical attention for Stellen Scars

Guard he's an American treasure So think about that though you get your arm ripped off you're bleeding out they're in the middle of the ocean they got to call the land to have a house guys have to get like their little helmets on their jumpsuits being like, I'm going to fly a helicopter.

It makes no sense. Like, listen, you're dead. You're dead. You're dead. And I know, I know Aquatica how much you guys value your weekends. I know it. I know it's tough being on Aquatica Monday through Friday. And when 5 o'clock comes around and you hear that whistle blowing, you just want to get off and, you know, get to the mainland and whatnot, someone from the medical staff has to stay behind at all times.

How are they conducting this experiment? during hurricane season and there's not one medic on hand dumb move if I'm Sam Jackson I'm like really I'm fucking paying you idiots for whatever you're doing here you can't even keep a doctor on hand I wish they just

cut at that moment to like some some teaky bar and this girl's like no you're not no I swear babe I'm a medic on an aquatic space station you know it's awesome and then he gets like a page and she's like

Who's that, your girlfriend? He's like, no, don't worry about this. Throws the pager in the garbage. We keep paging Larry, but he's not calling us back. I've done 911 several times. Yeah, don't worry about it, babe. Some will probably just bump their heads. Whatever.

Those clumsy scientist fools down there. I mean, there's like a 60% chance it's shark-related, but whatever. I like to play fast and loose with my medical rescue. Speaking of which, I don't have a condom. So in a tutorial, I was like, oh, no, the hurricane's coming. And on the heels of this hurricane comes this medic rescue team. We do the old strap the gurney to the helicopter thing, which never works out. It's never going to work out.

And let me tell you, by the way, from the second this arm is bit off, this shark creates one of cinema's greatest chain reactions because it's nonstop until we're going to tell you it's over with but oh my God but that's the thing the shark has been planning this for months premeditated the first domino is

about to fall he's got like a wain grow shark with him it's like it's heat he knows the response times there's a Val Kilmer shark with a bad haircut Val Kilmer's

got a really stupid haircut and heat. I love it. So this helicopter is a coming. You know, it drops a thing down. Stellen Scarsguard is then being airlifted, you know, to the nearest facility. But he doesn't get that lucky. No. Because the storm gets really bad and they, like, they lower back down, and he goes under the water where a shark gets him.

And it's like fishing. it's like the helicopter is fishing with Stell and Scarsgar on this gurney you know and the shark like bites at it and the helicopter pilot's like

hey we got one and it's jerking this thing all over the place finally like the rope breaks this helicopter goes flying into Aida Tuturo's fucking weather center

she hilariously flies back due to this explosion it is the best Aida Tuturo death you've ever seen it's the most satisfying end to janus soprano we never got to see her getting hit with a helicopter and then just as you expect they just have they must just have like drums of oil and like gasoline and enrich uranium laying all over this shark base and that chain reaction of that a helicopter exploding to that tower starts making everything in the world explode everything is exploding on this

on this oceanica or whatever it is. Aquatica. Oh, Aquatica, excuse me. It's a Reddy Harlan explosion. So we're seeing every angle. We're seeing it four times. Oh, yeah. It's delightful.

I could have taken some Aida Tuturo flying back a few more times. You only see that once. But I did want to touch on that, Steve, because any Sopranos fan wanted Janice Soprano dead from fucking scene one, and we never got it. And when you're finally in that season 6.2, and she fucking hears of Bobby Bacola's, and you're just sitting there like

it should have been you Janice it should have been you getting shot through that fucking model train set you annoying character no it's this poor man dying while trying to collect something for his fucking non-mafia related hobby you

monster all that fat man wanted to do is play with trains so still in Scarsguard is not quite dead yet no he is it you'd think all right the shark got him All I guess the shark wanted was to get one more piece of Skies card

Because he saw that Nymphomaniac poster and became aroused Oh, I want to fuck everybody in this movie unsimulated one please Oh, yeah So wait, so he saw, so the shark saw that poster Went through the Tea Party shutdown time tunnel Because nobody's watching it Went back to Deep Blue Sea Godstall and scars,

and then when they bite him, when he bites him in this section, he's like biting carefully, like around the gurney, pushing. It's a love bite. I'll just nibble you a little bit. He's just pushing him through the water

towards this underground, I guess part of their facility is sort, I guess it's sort of like a bridge on like the Starship Enterprise. They got this giant viewfinder of ocean. No, it's a window. Not a viewfinder. It's actually a fucking window.

For what? It would have made more sense if it was a viewfinder, but it's just a huge window. And yeah, that is something that we should mention. It's got a little like crank to it that just says do not touch. Because it can open, but you shouldn't open it. But there's also Phoenicia blinds on it. And it also says do not touch because those are a bitch.

If you get one part a little higher than the other, oh my God. That is one thing. we should mention, though, is that this Aquatica station is predominantly underwater. There's very

little at the top and there's all these elevators and whatnot that they go down to the main base with this hilarious window. So everybody's looking out this window, right? Look, it's there. What else are you going to do? And Sam Jackson is like, hey, everybody,

shut up for a second. Can you tell me what that is? And Everybody turns around, and here is the sci-fi channel's worst shark ever, carrying in his teeth, Stellan Scarsgard, Gernie and all. And they've also, by the way, attached, like, an oxygen tank to him. Like, the EMTs did, the shark didn't do this. The EMTs did this. And so he's still, like, breathing underwater while the shark is carrying him. Yeah.

How are you still alive? And you just get this close-up of him. his eyes are open and he's looking at what this shark's going to do like clever girl yeah and this shark just opens its mouth a little bit more and lets him go and this poor fucker slams face first into this window that they've installed deep under sea and it puts that crack in it and then here we go it's because he's still not fucking dead and this chain reaction is still not over with yet and all these people are just watching the window like watching it break like thinking about how they could help him and it's like what are you talking about get the hell out of there like you're so you're so dead

tom jane's like man you told me this morning that i'd see the guy from dog will shoved in my face at an underwater window i would have said you're full of shit wait tom james also watching future movies i think by the way why everyone freezes and just stares at it is because they're all collectively like, wait, that's not a viewfinder? Is that an actual functioning window? Who the fuck designed this place, Saffron Burroughs? Ah, so this glass breaks. They all go running for it.

And now it's flooding, and this is it. The top is exploding. The bottom is flooding. And L.L. CoolJ is just in the kitchen having his own movie. It's kind of like that mini movie you got from Get Smart with the Fun Temps or whatever. Lloyd and whatever the fuck. Did anyone watch that? No.

I could have no. I liked that Get Smart reboot. I thought it was actually pretty solid. You could not pay me to watch that fucking thing. No, thank you. Well, we tried to make Hero from Heroes a thing, and that just did not happen. Oh, God. Yeah.

He also tried to make Heroes a thing. Sure did. Hey, you know, I'll say the first season of that show is solid, that it's just dog shit. Although, Topo on that show is pretty great. Tobo's pretty great on that show. Tozbreed and everything. Guy with the Midas touch. That's Stephen Tobolowski, we're discussing.

For the uninformed. Oh, correct. Sorry. Well, that podcast hasn't come out in 12 months, so I guess you wouldn't be too informed. God, when is it? We're just going to have to finally say, RIP, the Tobolowski files.

Because I've been waiting every day. I just refreshed that podcast. Nothing. And I know that Stephen Tobelowski has 100% more acting jobs than I do, but still, like, come on. Just find the time. It takes an hour a week. Read a story.

That's it. Do it. We miss you, Tomo. He's just reading a bedtime story. I would listen to him, lull me to sleep. I'm going to read from the book, Corderoi the Bear. I think this is about a bear at a department store.

I think that's what Cordero is about, right? Corderoy was in a department store, maybe. Didn't he have, like, seafaring clothes on? Oh, no, that was Paddington. Paddington was a different. bear a whole different attitude where do the berensteins fit into this

oh the berenstein bears were jerk off yeah whoa what they like lived alone you know what I mean like they fucking didn't let their kids like outside of the tree you know it's kind of like dog tooth but with children's literature yeah they didn't

want to know anything else about the rest of bear culture they didn't have a TV I stick to me and mine and that's just I don't need to know about what you fancy city bears are doing down there a polar bear get out of my face

we don't take too kindly to those of us that have different colored skin or fur for that matter we don't take too kindly to your whites and I am definitely understanding of the irony of using this voice with the name Barrenstein but get over it

just get over it Nobody's perfect. Not even Randy Barronstein. It goes the other way for bears. Gentile bears have Jewish bear names and Jewish bears have Gentile bear names. Anybody knows that. Jones, forget about it.

Jones is celebrating all sorts of holidays. I think he's making half of them up. not like those Barronsteins who just celebrate Christmas and Easter Anywho that bear Jesus

gave his life for us and Uncle Jay's having his own adventures with his parakeet his parrot I apologize Yeah his fucking parrot That we just have to love forever Don't we

Because it's just so God damn hilarious that he's got a parrot It's a sassy parrot That talks shit to him. Yeah, sasses him all the time. And he's busy cooking and preaching and whatnot. It's like half of his performance is him giving these ridiculous monologues.

And then the other half is him like making cupcakes and shit. Or tell him how to make an omelet. Oh, God, damn it. Yeah, we'll get to that. We'll get to his video will in a second. So we've got two movies going on, one of which is all of the characters you know and have been following. And the other is L.L. Cool, Jay. Yeah, he's just got his own.

separate DVD bonus feature going on. It is. Because the one is the Survivor's tale of everyone having to get to, you know, there's all sorts of things where there's ladders, you know, something's on fire, you can't go up this ladder, you got to use it. You know, and I will get to recommendations

obviously at the end of the program like we always do. I have fun watching this movie. I'll tell you what the, this movie is, hey, we're in a room. Hey, that room's flooded. Let's get out of here. Phew, we're in another room. Hey, this room's flooding too. It's just one room is flooding after another one. It's really

obnoxious. And it's always like, let's get to the security elevator and elevator bank, hey, oh no, that's, you know, that's ruined and then we have to go to find. There's another way. Well, then there's another way. Exactly. This is when Samuel L. Jackson takes a bow from this film,

which is the best scene. It's actually the first bonus episode we did was Best Deaths. Samuel L. Jackson is second time we're talking about this. And I mean, you know, he's just giving them this speech. about what happened when he was, you know, everyone, there's a little bit of mutiny. Everyone's kind of pissed off about Saffron Burroughs because she's like, look, I accidentally made these sharks both intelligent and vicious.

I apologize. Right. That's the one thing we should mention is that. So Sam Jackson's like, wow, this is pretty crazy. You didn't have to do any kind of like genetic modifications to them. And they're like, no, we followed the fucking Geneva Convention. The Harvard Compact or something. Yeah.

So it's definitely not the Geneva Convention. I think you're more closer to it. You know, such and such science agreement. That's right. You got to take me prisoner. You can't just execute me. It's the Geneva Convention. I'm an officer in the Shark Army.

The Sharby. Give a shark a cigarette and blow its brains out. Smoke it fast. You're not long for this world. little bandana over his eyes little red bandana what do you want on your tombstone shark

and then the shark says pepperoni and cheese because it's the 90s tombstone pizza Viva la France boom so the shark is singing the fucking French national anthem

and now is just he's just slowly falling down that pole that he's strapped to blood coming out of his skull and then Kirk Douglas is just standing in the background wishing he could have done more for him single tear job

so she says like she admits like hey so remember before when I told you I didn't violate that Harvard genetics compact well we totally did and we made their brains bigger because you know the amount of serum that they naturally produce isn't really enough

to do anything so we had to amp up how much they, you know, shark juice they produce. So they have these huge brains and, whoops, they're super smart now. Could you just get more sharks and just, like, pool that shit? Yeah, I'll tell you this. I would wager sharks don't come cheap. And I would also wager. Sam Jackson is the kind of a financier that's looking at all those receipts.

Yeah, he's being, he's like the lawyer in Jurassic Park. And he gets a very similar debt. So he's given this big speech about, like, you know, I know Saffron Burroughs lied to everybody. The other woman, whose name I don't know, call Saffron Burroughs a stupid bitch. It's really, it's really biting at this point. It's really what?

Bite? Oh, my man. But also. He really stepped in it there, Steve. I just like the idea of calling someone a stupid bitch for making sharks smarter. Like, I couldn't make a shark smart. And no stupid bitch could make a shark smart.

No stupid bitch could make a shark smart. No stupid bitch. could also apparently cure Alzheimer's, which also happens before that fucking window breaks. They do the experiment, and she's like, holy shit, all these synapses are firing, it's working, oh my God. And then right when everything's gravy

is when Stellen gets his arm bit off. So, you know, well, because he fucking just went too. God deal, you had to pet that shark of the nose, didn't he? Here's the thing. Much like at some sort of aquarium type place, you know what I mean? also in the science version of that just don't get too close

you know don't tap on the glass smoke the cigarette also probably not in a science station in a pressurized tube yeah I don't think so that's too smart you know what this movie kind of reminds me of is Grimlins tube yeah yeah so it's because you know

the making them smarter and stuff they should have called this Jaws the new batch well we just want what you want Safran civilization See I would love it If like they're doing this And then you know like Thomas Jane's like You know what shark like I'm gonna kill

You're gonna be on my fucking wall Like all this stuff like you're going down And the shark just like it's like a shot of the shark And he's maybe looking at Thomas Jane But you can't tell because sharks have eyes on the side of their head And then the shark just goes No And then just like pushes him

That would be great A good shark shove And, you know, he's just like, don't worry, we're all going to get out of this. I've gotten people through this thing before. And if we just follow this, and he gets eaten by a shark. And it's fantastic. It's great. You know, I remember, I think I rented this movie.

I didn't see it in theaters. But I remember renting it, watching it at home and being like, holy fucking shit. Samuel Jackson's totally dead. Like, it's a good move that this movie makes. It is. And there's another one coming where it doesn't, it, you think you know where this movie's going in so far as who lives and who dies. And you do not. Right.

So he's dead. They're all freaking out. And, you know, a lot of this movie is just, like, running around, running around. Up and up and up, running away from these sharks. And L.L. Cool, Jay, just to bring it back to Jurassic Park a little bit, his kitchen floods. Yep. And the shark gets in there. Yep.

And he's got to, like, hide in the oven. And the shark turns on the oven? This genius shark is too much. Preheat to 425. for your perfect cool jay well you're really more of an LL warm jays but at this point his bird is dead now too yeah he this bird's in the middle of cursing somebody out

they just gets fucking eaten by a shark you know I don't appreciate sassy parrots that use profanity it's like the only it's not the only time that this is like there's other birds that swear in you know cinema and television and it's here's the thing it's never been funny

no never once has that been amusing I want my sailor talk where it should be on sailors which by the way where are the sailors where's the they're all at the fucking beach resort having a great time you don't have any medical staff you also just let all

the security people go guaranteed this facility needs some sort of security gone they're all at the fucking tiki bar yep it's just aided to Toro and Michael Rappaport. That's your last line of defense. I mean, this is a tremendous cock up. That's what this is. Someone just gets a little too loose with the paychecks a little bit. And, you know, he has a narrow, what he electrocutes. No, he, he explodes the shark at this

point, right? He blows it up. Yes. Oh, cool, Jay. Yeah, yeah. He, like, he, he's an axe in the oven. And he's hammering into, like, the upper oven. And, like, he gets. into that oven and then jumps out past the shark. He jumps over the shark that's trying to get into the oven. Man, guess what I'm never going to do, jumping over a shark? You're never going to jump the shark? No. No, no, I would have taken that axe and probably tried to hack it.

Yeah, hack its face or something? You do something. Well, I mean, I guess the other thing is there's a little bit of a time crunch because the shark has turned the oven on, by the way. so yeah and then like the gas is going because that's happening and so he takes out a lighter that somehow like you know nothing got totally soaked when he jumped into the water he just opens this fucking zippo and hucks it at the shark and you can just make a huge explosion in a pressurized sea station totally fine i mean that room's ruined but the rest of it's fine now i'm sure that this place is pretty structurally sound but you know what room

they're probably not putting that much of thought into the kitchen like oh all these science stations and everything yeah sure we definitely need to make sure all that's secured oh there's going to be crazy sharks in here yeah let's make sure this area is locked down the kitchen huh well maybe some drywall drywall a nice paint job maybe a little more secure than drywall but you know but at least throw some tiles up i mean there's going to be moisture down there right I mean, maybe two fridges, two fridges. So then L.L., you know, he's having a bad day. Because then, like, you know, the more water falls on him.

It's a really great him falling down the stairs. That stuntman probably actually got some bruises from that one. Oh, for sure. And our trio, our group of heroes, we're in like some sort of, we're in an elevator shaft trying to get up to the next level. Because it's kind of resident evilly. We're trying to, you know. Yeah, it's a video game. And at this point, the other woman, not Saffron Burroughs, gets it pretty bad.

She just kind of, she falls off the thing and the shark eats her. It's one of the worst deaths in the, the worst death in the movie, in that it's just a little boring. You know, worst as in, yeah, it's boring. Worst quality-wise, because a lot of this movie is like, whoa, take that. You know what I mean? Like, take that Stellan Scars Guard. That is a way to die. This woman just kind of gets eaten by a shark.

It's not really that great. And every time people get eaten, there's great, like, computer effects. It's kind of like Dateline NBC, like reenactment computer effects. Because it's just like everyone's a kind of featureless. They all look like WCW versus NWO and 64 characters for five seconds. It's great because, like, this woman, you know, she's, they're on a ladder that's, the ladder falls. And when the ladder hits like the other side of the wall, she doesn't hang on tight enough. She falls into this water.

And it's great. Because she falls into the water, and then the shark lifts her back out. But when the shark lifts her back out, she's a sim. So she falls in like, eh! And then she comes back up like, ha, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, what I mean? It's just like this fucking sim comes out.

Because it's such terrible computer graphics. And it's firmly, uh, the shark is firmly on that sim's crotch. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of a weird place for a shark to lay down there. Well, it's like wearing a wacky shark color. Halloween costume, like, oh, I've been eaten by the shark because it's just around her waist. I'm a sexy shark victim.

Anyway, so she's dead. And now we finally meet up with L.L. Cool J. And we're all kind of in a room like, all how do we get out of here? Yeah. And, you know, Laura Dern has to go turn the power off. I mean, Michael Rappaport has to go and, like, pump up the power manually to something.

Him and Tom, Jane, who are kind of best buds. They're sort of best buds. And what's great here is speaking of ripping off jaws They go down and they're like swimming around So that I was speaking about ripping off Jurassic Park Oh no no I'm saying but both I mean it's both in this movie It's Jaws and drip

Yeah no it totally is just pillaging This dude's body of work because they're under the water And Rappaport's like trying to get to this control panel To empty out all this water or whatever And Tom Jane's like on the lookout for sharks And he fucking turns around And because he can't stop being in this movie,

Stellan Scarsgaard's corpse still attached to this fucking gurney just floats into frame like that dude's head and Richard Dreyfus is like eh! You know, that's my Richard Dreyfus screaming. But that's weird too because Tom Jane's like a real hard dude in this movie. Yeah. And he has to

like come up for air to scream a bunch. Oh my God, it's so like uncharacteristic of this person just screaming like that. I was like, why is he yelling? Like, stop. And then he doesn't, what's funny is he doesn't tell Michael Rappaport what he saw he's like hey what's that

what happened what you're freaking out for best bud he's like nothing did you fucking empty out this chamber yet you press the go button and I don't even know how Rappaport gets it in this scene because what happens is they're like underwater

and they're giving the thumbs up like you did it great let's get out of here and then Tom Jane's face just totally empties and Rappapaport's like hey what's going now why you're so sad bro and then this shark just fucking slams into him takes him and this is like it's weird this movie gets like almost like cruelly violent to some of these characters also with sam jackson when they take sam jackson like the shark jumps up through a hole and grabs them and goes back under

the water you see the two jar the sharks ripping apart the little sam jackson sim and like one like chomps on his head and he like goes in half and his leg goes flying but so it's the same thing with rapaport like chomps onto the rapaport rapaport becomes a sim and then the shark like slams him up against the wall and like shakes it like a bully fucking his little sim legs float off yeah like he really gets it's like brutal for no reason like listen it's a shark attack like why do these sharks have so much animosity i'm gonna fold my new york slice yeah Well, these sharks are now smart. Smart as people, they might say.

So they are obviously the most evil, selfish, pigish, disgusting monsters. They've turned into us. So while they're doing that, you know, Saffron Burroughs is like, look, I have to get my notes. If not, this is all for not. And everybody died for nothing. Yeah. And, you know, you're still not sure which. Saffron Burroughs could be one of two people.

she's either Ripley or she's Paul Riser and you're not sure which because she's either the one that's just you know the woman that's going to make it through all this and you know come out a better person or she's the company stooge

that is looking at the dollar signs or the bigger picture past all the human misery and when she goes into this room you're like oh I guess she's more of a Paul Riser right so while Rappaport and Tom Jane are down doing this. Saffron Burroughs is looking through office. L.L. CoolJ is making sure he leaves his

mark on the world. So what do I have to say to you? What mark do I have to leave behind? We will begin with the perfect omelet which is made with two eggs, not three. Amateurs often add milk for density. This is a mistake. And he just starts going into this and you're like, God damn it. This script is terrible. Two eggs, not three. And it's like, I think we already got omelets. I mean, and out of all the things, you must be a terrible chef.

You're imparting an omelet recipe. Something tells me that this short order cook on this fucking sea lab thing in the middle of the ocean probably just makes an okay omelet. You know what I mean? Like, he's not a great. cook. Like, they don't have fucking Mario Battali on Atlantica or whatever.

It went to Hamburger University. That's it. He's straight out of the academy, green behind the ears. Let's talk about this Saffron Burroughs killing the shark. So, she's in there. She gets her notes or whatever. It's like all of her DV tapes and shit.

And, you know, there's all sorts of water in the room, obviously, because everything's kind of flooded. and uh oh here comes a shark in the room so she's standing on her desk like there's a mouse in there a shark and then she gets naked just for our benefit really it's certainly not for the shark's benefit yeah well not naked she takes off the wet suit and and just to show you know the brown panties or whatever and then she stands on it right to like ground yeah to get more more air more length so she could reach

this power cord or whatever. It's not a height thing. She's grounding herself so that when she electrocutes the shark, she doesn't get like it. She's standing on rubber. It's a rubber wet suit. Yeah, oh, I get it. So, you know, because she pulls the thing out of the wall and give the old, ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Take that shark. And it gets electrocuted, right? And yeah, and

the water would get electrocuted, too. Yep. So I think it would be great after this, like, she walks out of there and, like, Michael Rappaport and Tom Jeter just floating on top of the water. just dead oh I didn't wow is everybody

everybody's dead huh well that that's the same water out there that it is in here huh didn't see that coming hey LL you're oh he's dead too

scientist look I'm a shark scientist I'm not a fucking water scientist okay I'm not an electric scientist either you know even they call them electricians even Ripley got to keep her cat

no everybody's dead okay oh wow I'm truly alone here, huh? All right. And, I mean, this is the three of them. Now it's just L.L., Tom Jane, and Saffron Burroughs. And you're trying to do your movie math. At this point,

I'm thinking Saffron Burroughs is our Ripley. She's our heroine. She's kind of, she actually, at this point, her notes get destroyed, and she's like, you know, I just want to make it out of here alive. Fuck it. Now everything's officially lost. I've learned my lesson. I'm sorry for playing God or whatever, you know.

And the movie is really about her. I mean, we're following her science project. Yep. Throughout the whole thing, we're following her. We're seeing her half naked. We're thinking, hey, this girl's got staying power, right? Like, this is the through line of the movie. Deep Blue C2, it's going to be her on another fucking...

Well, exactly, because... Aqua Bayes. You're right. It's her science project. And then the first main character we see is Tom Jane. So you're like, all right, there it is. By the way, it's the two of them and a fucking cartoon character in checkered pants

who's still bitching about this bird that he lost. And he's saying all sorts of fucking prayers that he's also kind of rapping because it's L.L. Cool J. What he's saying these like, you know, I will walk through the shadow of death, the valley of the shadow, whatever the fuck. Jesus stuff is just a bit much

in this movie. It's, it's over the top. He's got a giant cross that he wears. And actually about around here is when it actually happens. He gets bitten. Yeah, by the way, they all get to the top of The top level, right? They flood an elevator shaft while L.L.

is preying and they all float up to the top. And the shark gets them. Right. And it really drags them through the water. And you're like, well, that's that. That's it. I've seen characters in other shark movies get dragged just like that. They're finished.

There's at least one bucket of blood in the water at this point. Yeah. He takes his cross off and starts stabbing this thing in the eye with it. The power of Christ compels you, shark. Yeah, and I guess, you know, he gets free of it and he's fine. He's totally fine. He's just like, ooh, that was a pretty bad gash on my leg. I guess I'll be all right.

Like that shark didn't hit an artery or something. Come on. No, it did. But then Tom Jane handed him a Transformer's Band-Aid. Put that on there and everything's fine. Everything's gravy. Or maybe, you know, maybe there was like Jesus, like, appeared in like, maybe this is a cut scene or something?

Oh, Jesus deleted scene? Yeah, like a break in the cloud. A little holy light comes down on his leg. Racist bear Jesus comes down. Because your last name is it Smith or Jones or something. Fine, I guess I'll take you, self-proclaimed preacher. At least you're not one of them polar people. So now we were.

realized that the sharks weren't just trying to If these sharks are so smart, what are they doing? What was the evil plan? They were flooding the station, Andrew. Because for some reason, the bottom of the gate is entirely titanium. It's adamantium. You can't break through with anything.

The top of the gate is tinfoil. Like, for whatever reason, they just ran out of money while they were making this gate. And the top is steel. Wait, so we got adamantium down here securing everything, keeping the sharks away for us. What did we got up top?

Eh, it's a couple of socks I tied together. It's fine. They can't get up there. No way of sharks getting up there. And yes, of course, so the sharks were trying to raise the water level or something or lower the gates, I guess. They're trying to make the structure collapse. The whole Atlantica is like sinking now. And so they're trying to make it sink so that eventually they'll be able to burst through the top part, which is really weak.

The tinfoil gate. question how do these sharks have any idea what the fucking material is at the top of this thing they're smarter Andrew that's all you need to know they're smart you could fucking have Albert Einstein look at something from a hundred feet away and be like hey a brainiac what's that made out of and all he can do is guess he's not going to hatch a plan to sink the fucking thing and swim through it sub question about the shark's plan were they planning on the hurricane did they like smell and like oh it a couple of days of hurricanes.

No, they built a weather machine. Yeah, that's what they did. The sharks built a weather machine because we're smarter than Einstein. I just would love a scene where, like, the three sharks are hanging out under the water. And they're like, hey, uh, you feel that? Feels like the air pressure's dropping up there.

You know what that means? Increased wind pressure drop. It's hurricane top. And they're, like, floating around, getting shit ready. It's the big one. We've been waiting for this for months. Oh, and I also read in the paper that Samuel L. Jackson's coming to shut this whole facility down. Well, that's the other thing, too.

I heard it on NPR. NPR was making a big stink about Sam Jackson coming to Atlanta. Now I'm just picturing these sharks having their morning coffee. Shark coffees? Do you read about this? Oh, my God, they're coming here. I heard Saffron Burroughs on Terry Grove. Seems like she's in real hot soup.

Anybody catch the Brian Lair show yesterday morning? I'm Terry Gross, and this is the World Smarter Shark. Thanks for having me, Terry. I love your show. Long time listener, first time eater. So stupid. so we've still got our three primaries and the whole plan at this point is

Tom Jane's going to harpoon one of them because we can't let this shark out in the ocean because as Tom Jane said before and as you have to say in all these movies if that happens we'll be at the bottom of the food chain right yeah exactly not really because the shark is pretty easily killed by just about anything

yeah I'm sure a group of fucking Somali pirates would figure it out Captain Phillips would get it Oh, no, my boat is being besieged by pirates and intelligent sharks. Hey, who got that shark on there, huh? Hey, fellas, this is going to, we're going to do an emergency drill here. It's going to be an emergency shark drill, all right? Hey, everybody.

What other choice do I have? I'm a shark. All right, everybody. New drill, new drill. It's a, it's a Somali pirate riding a shark. Get the hoses out now. on, everybody? Obama has them shot by CL Team 6, the shark, too. He calls, he tells them to take the shark out. Oh, man. So, yeah, we're going to, we're going to harpoon the shark, and then

the cable is going to be hooked up to a car battery, like some fucking, you know, like European spy torturing somebody. Hook it up to his balls. And for some reason, the shark is too far away because it's going to get away which is totally fine for the purposes of this movie. It's not like it's pregnant by the way, you know what I mean? And it's not super natural. And why not just set up that sequel anyway, just in case?

It's just a smarter shark. It's fine. It's not going to rule the world. So you never know. It could be like a Manchurian candidate somewhere. All hail President Toothy. It's fine, but like, you know, Saffron Burroughs

like, oh, what hath I wrought? so she cuts her arm open and jumps in the water. It's like, come here, shark, come on, you pussy! To get it away from the gate so that Thomas Jane could then, like, shoot it with his... This harpoon gun. By the way, this shark is so smart, and all it wants is its beloved shark freedom, right? And it's just, it's tasting it. It's getting there, and it's like, but I'm still a shark, so he has to go back and eat her.

Oh, curse you, mother nature. Now I'm starving again. so she fucking gets eaten by this shark and you're like whoa what the fuck like aren't you the main character what's happening right here and then you realize also she fucking did that for nothing literally less than nothing the shark just swims kind of back to where it was and tom jane's trying to fucking get at it and then

he has to jump on this shark which we find out earlier in the movie by the way he's great at riding sharks like dolphins, okay. So he's riding this fucking thing and it's going all over the pool and LL. Cool Jay's got to take a shot at and I'm like, wait a second. This shark is way off from where

Saffron Burroughs tried to get it. She just literally killed herself for no reason. It's Matthew McConaughey and fucking rain of fire all over again. By the way, you want to know how sophisticated my notes are for this? For this scene, I wrote It Eats Pretty Doctor.

you need preter doctor good hey i've also got a an equally odd sounding note in here i was i was i was taken by the line where she says something about saffron burrows like at the beginning of the movie says like

oh well we have to get right to the experiment because sam jackson's here we're skipping three weeks of trials and i wrote skipping three rounds of trials no wonder they equal dead that always happens you skip those rounds of trials

so I mean you know as opposed to being in debilitating shock because his leg has just fucking been hacked off by a shark right

you know LL Cool J's got the presence of mind to you know hit this thing and where it needs to be blah blah blah they blow up the shark right and it's got more shark

blood than I've ever seen it's the blood of six sharks the blood of six sharks in one you know like in that Thomas Jane is then, like, swimming away from the chunks and blood everywhere. Yeah.

I was expecting to see Saffron's head. Like, shouldn't there be like people? Yeah, just half digested the Kittner kid. All of them. Oh, no. That was my son. And L.L. Cool J calls out, like, like, hey, Thomas Jane. And then he's just like, what?

What do you, what could you possibly need at this moment? And L.L. Cool, Jay, it's like, bring me back some suits. oh yeah what and captain phillips like oh no not like this i wanted that i wanted to be free of that shock but not like this what a lesson i've learned speaking of bad lines by the way right before saffron burrows jumps into the water she says this come to mama oh did you imagine that you know that's probably even worse than telling people how to make omelets that's your last that's your your last words were come to mama to a shark that you illegally genetically engineered and you literally killed yourself for absolutely nothing literally nothing for no reason oh mercy that's pointless and then we get l l l cool jay's rap let's just you know what steve i believe you're you're the biggest fan of this song you've got some of the lyrics ready i kind of made an excerpt thing and this is kind of calling back to i was at a poetry reading one

time where Adrian Brody seriously read Christopher Wallace's poetry, aka Biggie Smalls, and it was just the songs, and he read it in a pretentious poetry-esque fashion. He read the Ten Crack Commandments, if I remember your story correctly. In honor of both L.L. Cool J, Christopher Wallace, and Adrian Brody, I would like to read this in some of Deepest Bluest. Deepest Bluest, were written and performed by L.L. Cool J. Performed now for you by Stephen Sadek. Ah, my hat is like a shark's fin. Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin.

When your Titanic sinks, I'm the one you're going to meet. Hearing terrified screams, they surround my team. All you see is trails of blood. Even God won't intervene. Nightmares of darkness, my appetite is heartless. Stop. Struggling to flow with hemorrhages in your throat. Getting the lap dance while I smashed through your boat.

You'll never make it home. Tear flesh off your bone. Walking in undercurrents is a dangerous zone. The waters are waist level. The hallways flooded. Lost your scuba gear. This killer's cold-blooded. His name's L.L.

Wait, twist. You don't really want it. I ate your ancestors. The ocean is haunted. Everybody knows. that, first of all. He was the shark the whole time. I'm closing in.

I'm supposed to win. How the cold steel feel when it froze your chin. Should have stayed on dry land. Stroke while you can. Wait, what? Oh man, duel of the dix. Because now you're under pressure in the land of the damned.

Abandoned pirate ships. Eels and sod scum. Fish. glow in the dark. Holy Toledo, man. That is so stupid. It's pretty stupid.

That's just the song. And I mean, it's kind of like... Wait, did he just say that the victims of the Titanic were eaten by sharks? I guess so. This thing has a lot of Titanic imagery. That was a big movie when he wrote that song. Oh, you think he wrote it like three years before this movie came out? He was a lucky day.

Well, Titanic was a B-side album. Titanic was 97. This movie's 99, which means production around 98. That fucking thing was still in the theaters in 98. Yeah, and I'm sure the VHS release was huge. It was on two VHS tapes. I remember that. That's how fucking long that movie was.

I like the idea of this being a B-side-off, Mama's going to knock you out. Or Mama said, knock you out. And he's just been sitting on it. He's like, oh, I'll have this change a couple of things and make it deepest bluest. It is just a terrible song. Up there with the fucking SWAT song.

Any time you're singing about your movie, it's stupid. I mean, both these movies have Samuel L.L. Jackson and L.L. Cool Jack. Although L.L. doesn't sing that song, but do you think, like, he was so burned by Deep Blue Sea and how ridiculous that song turned out. They were like, hey, L.L, we got this great song about running with Samuel Jackson. You want to sing it for SWAT? And he was like, yeah, that's all right. Yeah, I kind of gave that up. I'm just going to wait till I'm on NCIS Los Angeles now.

That's my next move. And that's Deep Blue Sea. Who's recommending this movie? That's a strong recommend. It's a lot of fun. It's like all of the best things that I want to see in a shark movie where everyone's getting moited, really good. There's a lot of good deaths.

You don't wait more than seven minutes. I don't know what the time frame is, but between good to great. Deaths, not that much time. They keep on a comment in this movie. Eric? I'm going to be the voice of dissension here. I'm going to not recommend it. I will recommend watching Samuel Jackson's death on YouTube.

That is, yeah, that's a strong recommend. And, you know, I haven't checked, but if Stellan's on there, too, by all means. But other than that, like, this movie kind of frustrated me. Yeah. I would totally recommend. in this movie. It's been quite a while since I had seen it. So I forgot like how

seriously violent and fucked up this movie is. And you're right, Steve. If this movie isn't Jaws. Like if the shark movie I'm watching isn't Jaws, then it has to be a movie like this. It can't be like Jaws 3 and Jaws 4 where no one's getting eaten. You know what I mean?

That's why like I can't get through sci-fi channel movies. You got through this one. It is. kind of the highest bunch of sci-fi movie ever but it's like just because the acting is always so terrible and whatnot but i got through a good chunk of that shark nato movie before i fell asleep and like that has you know that's got some good shark death in it like they keep on coming they know what you're there for and it's not for fucking character development and talking about

science experiments and curing alzheimer's it's about watching people eaten by monsters Yep. Real life monsters. So that's two yes, one-no. If I'm a monster, then what are you? That is Deep Blue Sea from 1999, directed by Rennie Harlan. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

We are at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. to the show and iTunes, rate and review there. If that's how you get the program, we'd greatly appreciate it. If you prefer streaming your podcast, you can download the Stitcher Radio app. We are on there with our most recent five episodes streaming live through that service. Speaking of services, pick up our app or check out our band camp page for extra episodes, including WHM Live, WHM on screen, and a side order of sleaze.

Eric's program, Blame It on Outer Space, has returned this month. There's an episode on Bigfoot that you can get right now. That's right. And much more coming. Blame it on Outerspace.com at Blam Spacepad on Twitter, Facebook.com slash Blame it on outer space. They're also on iTunes and Stitcher. Tell your friends about We Hate Movies.

Tell your family. Tell everybody. Spread the good word about the program. The more listeners, the better for us. And honestly, rate and review in iTunes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't use iTunes, I know there's different opinions on that, but it would just help the show.

If you want to help the show a little bit, you know, you can do that to help the show a little bit. And if you've ever dual of fates with somebody, you can write it We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Tell us about it. We just tell us those college dorm nightmares. So last week, Steve gave a hint about what we were going to be doing this week. Eric, give us a hint about what we're going to be doing next week. Well, when we first talked about it, we mentioned the idea of it being on lunch boxes. Yes, very good.

And I'll say this, if you want the reference, this is now episode 131, I believe is what Deep Blue C is. You are going to have to go back quite a ways into the back catalog. Very good hint. I don't go through that Tea Party Time Tunnel. Just hit up the Tea Party Time Tunnel. Someone might be guarding it now. The government's back open. I don't know.

Dretz. Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen said that. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. We're going to pull together and we're going to find a way to get out of here. First, we're going to seal off this.