We Hate Movies - S4 Ep132: Episode 132 - China O'Brien

Episode Date: November 19, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang heads to Utah to kick ass and run for Sheriff with Cynthia Rothrock in the karate classic, China O'Brien! Did anyone notice this is pretty much Walking Tall minus Joe Don Baker? Was that sex slavery storyline really necessary? And is that clearly Australian character really not supposed to be Australian? Plus: Fat and lazy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles troll the Internet. China O'Brien stars Cynthia Rothrock, Richard Norton, Keith Cooke & Steven Kerby; directed by Robert Clouse. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin, Eric Siska, Stephen Seda. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you are new to the program, joining us for the first time. One, welcome. Two, you're catching us in the third week of our stay-tuned month. A little bit of backstory on this. If we have mentioned a film over the show's history that we think,

oh, hey, that would actually probably make a pretty good episode. We say something to the effective. We'll stay tuned for that episode. So this month, we're putting our money where our mouth is and doing all these promised episodes. Well, some of these promised episodes. It's 130-some-odd episodes. There's a lot of broken promises here.

The original name of the podcast. Broken promises, broken dreams. This episode is on China O'Brien from 1990, directed by a fella named Robert Klaus. We first mentioned this way back, if anyone guessed it, episode three when we did a film called The Pack that was also directed by this fella. I directed Enter the Dragon, tons of martial arts movies. Jim Kata, of course, yes. Jim Kata episode, go find that one. That's a good one, too.

So Robert Klaus, back in the seat for the third time. this movie is white gal karate we're called him gal why not she's a gal she's a gal she's a gal

my gal karate basic premise of the movie is if you've seen the film Walking Tall it's that movie minus Joe Don Baker

and add in this this martial arts excerpts yeah yes so there's some actual fighting some choreography instead of the

I'm I'm gonna hit you with something that's sort of like a bat and then I'm going to fall into you and rassel you on the ground. Yeah, she doesn't hit anybody with like a broken off piece of wood. She uses martial arts.

Yeah, and it's Cynthia Rothrock is her name. That name kicks ass. It kicks ass and it's such a Flintstone name. It's such a... Let's go see the new Cynthia Rothrock movie, Bon. Oh, Bon, that Cynthia Rothrock thinks she's so great. Turn me down. in high school and now she's on the big

screen. I like Betty Grable. She's sure good at Betty Gravel. Betty Gravel fuck. Yeah, come on. Now I'm just going to get all sorts of the internet hatred.

Oh, Steve, you couldn't even think about Betty Gravel. It was right in front of your face, idiot. Boy, she's sure good at Karat Carrake. Carraque. Carraque.

Caracte. Okay. Carracte. God, Eric, who's right in front of your face, Grock Day. Just to be, I just, it's, I got a bunch of pebbles in my mouth. Oh, wait, wait, wait, that's a baby. Oh, man. So, yeah, she is, uh, we start off. She's a karate instructor. Slash police officer.

Slash police officer. That's very important. She, she enforces the law. And on the side, she teaches karate at a dojo. Well, you think this is the beginning of a movie. Here's this movie. Yeah, you're just in a dojo and like we're learning how to fight people and you're like, okay, it's an inner city dojo. Maybe that's the whole point. All I know about this movie is it's called China O'Brien, so it's just the exploits of China O'Brien. The titular China O'Brien, yeah. And this sequence lasts four minutes and then we're in Walking Tall. It's like a weird, like, I don't know, mini movie before anything happens. Well, she's, the mini movie is she's a terrible instructor.

She's a real jerk. She's the type of teacher that's like, I'm not going to really encourage you or anything. I'm just going to yell at you and degrade you and dehumanize you and call you, call you a termite, which is, this is like a lower than a bug. It's like, not only are you a bug, but you destroy wood. And termite is like, you know what? I've fucking had it. I'm going to challenge my karate instructor. to see how tough she is.

Challenge her to a fight with five bloods in an alley. That seems a bit excessive, right? Well, because she says, like, you know, listen, it's not about the fighting. And this is always the case of the good guy martial artists, right? Like, it is not about the fighting. This is, you know, an art form. The other stuff, you have to do that, like,

if it comes to you, but that's not what we're here for. This guy's like, I want to fucking fight somebody. Well, martial artists, it usually does come for them somehow, right? I mean, it's always coming to you. Yeah, they're like, oh, this is a zen thing. But if I have to kick ass, oh, I'm kicking ass. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm kicking ass. You just start wearing, like, extra puffy jackets to hope to bump into people.

Yeah. You know, ever since you started doing karate, your jackets, you get bigger and bigger. You touch my fucking jacket? We're in this goose-down jacket. It's May. well what's great too is the dude termite is like uh he's like you know this is bullshit like what am i going to do with this up against the bloods and she's like well you know it's an art form and he goes all right how about this meet me and five dudes behind the alley tonight at seven o'clock

and then she's just like yeah all right that's fine i'll do that oh you think you're better than me a karate huh how about you get raped behind an alley with five of my friends they'll see who's good at karate I just don't understand what this challenge is. Why don't you bring your friends into the dojo and I'll take you all on like the alley portion of it makes it a little bit dangerous. And this is also a little confusing because they're not as friends, right?

Because this power mullet comes around the corner and just fucking lays the waist to termite a little bit. Because it's the third act of China O'Brien 0.5. Right, yeah. There's a little bit of a miscommunication in which part of the movie we're watching. And yeah, it's not termite's buddies, cockroach and you know green praying mantis and the fly it's not those guys it's just a bunch of

mulleted moustachioed white professional wrestlers like drug dealers like you're not selling drugs anymore I'm like what the fuck am I watching like just give me any context and they beat the living piss out of this guy in two seconds but china O'Brien has already shown up and she's like uh hi I'm here for the street hustle and she starts kicking ass and uh you know laying waste to all these dudes and whatnot she's got this line which is it happens twice in this movie and I was like is she supposed to be a psychic

because she's standing there and she's like oh yeah he's here I can I can feel him right yeah yeah what are you a mystic some people have a better connection to the you got that shine on your doc

you know you can just tell that there's someone what you know like when you're oh brian but you know when you're sleeping in your room at night and you wake up and you've got that intense feeling that something's watching you there you know that there's a ghost in the room so you know maybe she walks into an alley

and she knows that there is a a blood or a ghost in the alley there's a hilarious shot when she like turns the corner and she spies like a pair of boots hanging out and she's like oh I got him and she kicks the boots and they're boots that are like perfectly lined up like a person standing in them and they're just empty boots

that she kicks across the alley and I'm like what hobo or person getting rid of these is like I'm going to line these up perfectly so it looks like someone's standing in the shadows or is that how gangs get you know they're like a little distraction get the drop on you yeah that might be put the boots up there and the other two

bloods you didn't know where they start to eat you or maybe it's the origin of the foot clan this is where they got their name man that would be awesome Cynthia Rothrock is April O'Neill Oh that would have been perfect

She starts kicking Although April O'Neil wasn't an ass kicker No exactly She would turn that shit around Intentionally she's supposed to be useless The twist is in this version April O'Neil is amazing And the turtles are a bunch of asshole

losers that don't do anything Come on your wise cracking mutants Shouldn't you be good at something All the pizza catches up They're just a bunch of fat guy fat guy turtles that's what I want this Michael Bay

movie to be a bunch of fat old turtles that's great they're just trolls on the internet like

man I got a lot to say about Captain America Winter Soldier type type type type type pizza what's very

surprising if you don't know what this movie's about when you're watching it for the first time is she just whips out

this pistol at one point because this dude brings out a gun and she whips out this thing and I'm like, oh wait, that's this kind of a movie? That's cool. Because Termite now is about to get his head blown off. And she pulls out a gun out of nowhere

and just blast this guy away. You're like, are you a cop? Are you just, do all dojo masters have guns? I don't get, yeah, I don't get why she's carrying this because one, if you're such a good karate fighter, why are you bringing a gun to a karate fight? Just bring your feet and your hands.

Well, I guess because she is, you know, also a police officer. So I guess it's, you know, mandated by the state. Right, exactly. But you don't know, you know, right away in this movie that she's a cop. And she's off duty, right? Yeah, she's totally off duty. So the sidekick is standing there. And this gun just comes out of the shadows with no real hand attached to it even and shoots,

it goes to, you know, shoot this guy. But she fires and drops him. And they're like, oh, wow, thanks, China. And then she looks. And she's totally pulled an owl, Powell. I killed a kid. I killed a kid. It's the most relaxed admission of killing a child in cinema history.

Reginald Vell Johnson in the first diehard. Well, it's in the middle of good, good-natured ribbing. He's like, oh, would you eat too many Twinkies out? No, I killed a kid. Bruce Willis is like, ah. Oh, sorry. Dept in that one. No, it's all right.

He had a race. gun. Well, this guy did not have a ray gun, but she drops them anyway. And then also, just as fast as this dude gets dropped, this part of the movie gets dropped, because she's just on the road to her Utah small town. Well, here's kind of a little bullshity stuff here is, the chief of police is like, yeah, you did kill a kid. But

you stand the force as long as you want. Do whatever you want. He's giving her a real like these things happen what are you going to do you're going to get challenged in a dojo have to go into a dark alley and if you end up killing a kid you wind up killing a kid and it was in the inner city it's 1990 and he is not you know so it's okay hey abon i don't like the politics of this cynthia rock rock movie china obri rock or it would be china O'Blarty Stone, maybe? That would work. I think she'd have to be really super Irish, though.

Get back to serving me, though, dinosaur. Dinosaur movie usher. Man, they just take them for a slave race. They do. The dinosaurs can speak. They have feelings. They have, they're always

like, it's a living. I don't care. Come here. You're going to be a vacuum now. Suck my floor. they always say it's a living but I never fucking see dinosaur payday on that show it's a living because if they're not doing that they're getting murdered yeah it's a deadening if you're not

that's for damn sure the Flintstone's world is a brutal world oh it's a prehistoric age a brutal cold world the Flintstones lived in and just fucking he's that big bronosaurus burger like you're next garbage

disposal. He's showing his power, you know, like, I just ate a giant. If I can eat a giant, I can eat you, bird horn that tells me to go home from work. So she quits the forest and moves back to Utah. She hops in her fucking 1984 Mercedes and pops on some Ellen Amos. Explain this to the audience, Steve. Apparently, that's one of the few things anyone knows about this movie. It's like Tori Amos's first recorded song or something like that. And she did it under her birth name. Her God-given name, Tori Amos. You were born Ellen Amos.

So it's actually kind of like a badass song. So here's a little bit of this. In a life, we're only the strong to love. Just in time. could have died I can hear the thunder of a distant storm That's some road music It's woman brooding

And I'm into it It's a great scene And you get a nice view of the You know, 1990 countryside And It's a really great I'm leaving one life behind forever And starting a new version

Of my former life kind of a song you know what i mean here's a question about utah was she in salt lake city then what was her her her big city living they keep saying big city this and big city that i just assumed it was los angeles i mean i did too but then i then you know i figured she's going to this podung town way up in in utah well is it uh is it is it is it legal to teach karate in utah oh you know what i bet Might have some crazy fucking Mormon laws about teaching Asian arts to people. Yeah, or drinking Pepsi. I'm kidding. I have no idea what those people do.

They can't have caffeine. That's a thing. That was an informed joke you just made. Okay, good. We could have had a president that wouldn't have drank an ice cold, delicious American Pepsi, by the way. Dodge that fucking bullet. So it's pre-cell phone. So instead of like calling her dad, she has to go to places she, thinks he might be.

Like she said the first 10 minutes, is her driving town to town. Hey, my dad here? Talk about prehistory, by the way. And the first stops, you know, she goes, the sheriff's office because her dad's the sheriff of this small town. And there's the creepiest looking deputy I've ever seen. There's this, this swarthy mustache and this, and the attitude, I don't appreciate either.

He's just all around greasy. Like, it's disgusting. This man, I mean, I'm sure if he's still alive to, Today, I'm sure, you know, this is just the character. You know, there's not necessarily non-actors in this movie. It's just bad actors. But this dude looks disgusting. He looks absolutely filthy and wretched.

And he works in the police station. Instant cue that this guy is crooked. No self-respecting officer of the law looks this fucking scuzzy. It's just he looks like a fucking, like a carny. Like you put a carny in a fucking, this dude should be operating a ferris wheel. Yeah, he should be talking surly to. a kid about a token or something the best thing about this this movie's

directed terribly when she walks in the police station there's this humongous beam in the center of the frame and she's on one of and he's on the other and they're having this conversation like fucking find a better way to do this shot just you know what let's rearrange

some furniture you know in this church basement where we're filming this as a police station or whatever the fuck it is We're trying to introduce this character. It's not fucking Pete Campbell's office. Like, come on, let's find a way around this. When she pulls into town, though, there is a great instant where she goes to this gas station.

And there's just like this shirtless hunk pumping gas. It's a moment that has nothing to do with anything in this movie. She pulls over to get gas and this dude's just like, hey, pump. well the good thing about this movie the interesting thing about this movie obviously is it's an action movie with a woman's star which there's very very few of them so instead of a bunch of babes

you get a bunch of good hunks and it's it's a good hunk time shock full of beef cakes listen the hunk factor in this movie is pretty through the roof until you start getting to these fucking sleazy you know mountain folk corrupt

you know slime balls which is her third's and final stop on her little tour she has a detour to her ex-boyfriend who's this small town Australian friend now here's the thing this dude this actor he's a killer martial artist okay when he starts like going off on these fucking rednecks it's awesome he's really fast like skilled dude I was reading up on him like he was a stunt man too I'm surely you know He was Richard Norton. Yes.

And he was one of the bad guys in Jim Kata. Which one was he? The Kevin Sorboe motherfucker. He was the guy trying to like take over part of the show. He got the, he tried to get the princess's daughter. Yeah. I got to go back and watch that. I think I saw it, by the way, not to get off track, but I think Jim Kata is out on

Blu-ray. Oh, man. Are you serious? Yeah. Christmas. That's a sick get. Yeah, Christmas is coming. What was you saying?

We're hot because this is a week away, too. Oh, yeah. So he's, he's really sick at what he does just make him a foreign exchange student that never left or something. You can't just have this dude who is clearly

Australian fucking born and bred Salt Lake City. Hey, I don't remember we grew up together. Talk to you later. I love being an American. He was in apparently his backstory is like oh, you know, he was a troublesome

youth, but once he left and joined the special forces, this is when he signed up. for that. And then he came back and became a small town school teacher here. Oh, wait. I got it. I think I got it. Okay. So he was in the special forces, right? Maybe he lied about his

age to get into the service. So he's much younger when he left. Got stationed in Australia. Okay. He was still young enough that like if you stay in a place long enough, you know, your accent can change. Just adopts this Australian accent. Goes

back to Utah, right? Do we have bases there or is it like or maybe it was like a soldier exchange program maybe he was working at an embassy okay we got an embassy down there yeah but do we have i don't do special forces guard embassies i don't think so bengazi if they did they weren't in libya that day i will tell you what false flag i'm gonna call a false flag on this episode you're bringing up bengazi they also hint at a past at one point they totally dated at one point well yeah her father's like well I guess

he was just too small town for you China what is Sydney a small fucking town like he's Australian yet this dude comes from like what I perceive to be a pretty rocking part of the world okay I've never been to Australia yet but this dude is from

a way better place than fucking Utah no offense Utah but come on Sydney v. Utah. We're going to get letters. Ira, going to get letters. So she goes to some we cut into some dirtbag bar. Oh, I got the name and it needs to be addressed. Oh, please.

Beaver Creek Inn. Yeah, it's the Beaver Creek Inn. Or is it the Beaver Creek in? I have Beaver Creek in. I think, yeah, I think you're right. This is like, this is the hotbed of, you know, it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy, man. It's a fucking lower. to the low. I got to say the first line because we cut to this. Yeah, yeah. Please do. No, no, you can go for it. I'll cut your heart out,

Sheriff. I'm sorry, it's your pop, that pop gun ain't going to do no, ain't going to keep me from cutting your heart out with this bottle. He's got a bottle, a broken bottle. Yeah. It is an impeccably broken bottle by the way. It's clearly like

made for the movie broken. There's no way you can break this bottle and have it look the way this bottle looks. We're led to believe the sheriff of the small town went to the small town bar and was like, oh, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm going to need to speak to you. I'm just assuming his name here. Yeah, sure. And then he breaks a bottle and wants to cut his heart out.

Like, he breaks a bottle. The cop pulls his gun. Sure. That's a lethal weapon. That pop gun ain't going to stop me from cutting your heart out. Now, that's when we come into the scene. Well, you know what? Because here's the thing.

That's good writing, by the way. You want to come in the middle of the action, which is a hillbilly thing. threatening to cut the sheriff's heart out for seemingly no reason. Well, here's the thing, right? This guy is so hepped up on Mountain Man PCP. And Mountain Dew. He's probably right. Yeah, yeah.

Domino's pizza, chicken wings, Mountain Dew, and a whole mess of Mountain Man PCP. That sheriff ain't taking that guy anywhere. Sounds like a mountain teenage mutant ninja turtle. And this is clearly when you see that this is just walking tall, because it's the whole town is in this bar and they're all giving this sheriff shit about it. They're laughing at him.

Just laughing in this old man's face. Old man, O'Brien. And then they're laughing at the idea of arresting him like it's such a fool's endeavor. And like the scumbag manager of the bar says something like, oh, he'll fart his way out of jail. I would love to see that.

He just like farts and it blasts the jail doors open. Isn't that a Howard's, stern character, fart man? Yeah, I think that's actually how the rapture ended. Somebody farted. In that movie we watched. Somebody farted in the door to the prison blew off. Yeah, that's

what they say. When Jesus comes back, the prisons fall apart. And a huge fart noise rings out over his mighty kingdom. Look upon his works and tremble. That's awesome. I'd like to apologize to

God. and Utah it's definitely too late for that and Joseph Smith while we're at it don't want to make enemies to polish your magic glasses Joseph

uh yeah so this is a crooked town and this dude gets taken in and we don't really know what for but he's just getting arrested and she finally meets up with her old man like at the prison like she goes back or something

he's booking this big heavy dude and he's like I'll fucking kill you sheriff god damn it I'll kill you fucking whole family And it's like, hey, dad. And it's like, your dad is busy right now, Rothrog. What's great, though, is he's like, oh, it's my little girl. Like, she knocks on the door. She's 40 years old, first of all.

Yeah. And the deputy, like, sees her. She's like, shh, shh, shh, and he opens the door, like, oh, you're going to surprise him. And he comes in, and she's like, she, like, hugs him from behind. And I'm like, this man is trying to book this impossible individual. If you even knew what this guy threatened to do. do to him a few minutes ago. I think her point of view is like, well, I'm

China, so if anything bad happens while, you know, I can easily get out of the situation. I'll do like a flip and everyone will be kicked in the face instantly. And everything's good. You know, nothing's going to harm my old man. But it's not like her old man works in a video store. You can

surprise your dad when he works in a video store. Not when he's fucking booking, you know, the big show. Honey, get out of here. I'm trying to stack the action comedies. It's very dangerous. I thought I could see a blockbuster. At this point of the movie I literally said I wrote down I can't write down all of these lines because there's just so many like everything's so stilted and awkward. It's like that perfect bad movie cadence where like and Cynthia Rothrock is an amazing martial artist. She's an awful actress. Everyone in this movie like there's a dinner scene that just goes nowhere. Oh it certainly goes nowhere. And he's got it's like the second. wife who's just like, stares into the camera blankly, like, I think

I hear a telephone. Speaking of these bad lines, by the way, before she meets up with the dad, she goes to the shit bad bar, like she just misses him. Again, because she doesn't have a cell phone, where he might be. By the way, it's 1990. Didn't we have

Pagers? Oh, Pagers? Maybe. We had telephones like, hey, I'll meet you at this location at this particular time. Listen, if you're leaving your life behind and moving home, how about you fucking call somebody yeah and i think pagers i think that surged more in the mid 90s for regular folk right right back then it was probably owns just doctors and drug dealers well so she gets to this bar and uh they're like oh you just missed her missed him whatever and this woman's like

a waitress and she comes out and she's like well my stars if it is in china oh brian and like they went to high school together all this shit and these dudes in the bar like she starts being shitty this woman and she's just like oh I think you're so good the big city too good for this small town blah blah blah she goes I wasn't being patronizing and then she goes ooh

patronizing I mean that's not even a $5 word oh you're big city fancy pants words she knows what patronizing and then she escalates this situation to an extreme degree because now she like wants China's blood and she's like I'm going

to show these guys your ass and she starts she wants to like rip off her clothes to feed her to the wolves get a little something there and then these dudes all come in like yeah one guy's like I was promised to show I just heard there'll be ass but then the greatest

line in this scene comes when like these dudes try stuff and she beats the shit out of them like right away and this guy proclaims oh she's one of them chop suey fighters like come on come

Come on. You know what karate is. Just call it karate. The Karate Kid had been out. You've seen that movie. You probably love that movie. I hated it because my church has says that no chop suey shall land on these shores. No karate fighting for me.

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WHM. Once more, rocketmoney.com slash WHM which stands for We Hate Movies. The dad also makes a shitty line when he calls this second wife and goes,

Guess who's coming to dinner? Yeah, fucking shut up. Just bring it a black guy? not in that town what do you want to get us ostracized and I mean this is when we really start and the shifty sheriff

deputy's like that's interesting and like he's like writing everything down Lichtener Littner Littner yeah Lickner just it's just and I mean it's a bad mustache

which by the way comes and goes throughout this movie if you're watching Oh I didn't notice Yeah, it's just, it's, it's, like, I don't know why he had to shave it. Maybe he had another, like, a full-time job interview while he was doing this role. Like, I don't know. This isn't going anywhere.

It goes up to the director. He's like, oh, I'm terribly sorry. I have to go into town for an audition. Do you mind if I shave my mustache or at least trim it a little? No one's going to notice. What is this movie called? China or something? Yeah, it should be fine.

His big audition was applying to be a bank teller. some Utah town. He knows there's no point in hitching a ride back to L.A. Well, you know, Lickner, we'd certainly hire you here at the bank, but that mustache is just going to have to go. What would Joseph Smith say about it?

He'd be against it. I'm sure he'd be fine with moustaches. He'd be against it. But he's just got this reptilian skin. I mean, this is a... Rattillion skin. It's grotesque. It's oozing shit. I'm sorry.

He's a really gross-looking dude in this movie. And again, you know, I'm sure he cleans up just fine. In this movie, he's one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever seen in my life. It just makes you hot to look at him, you know? Like, oh, God, somebody opened a fucking window when I'm watching this movie. It's like, does my TV come with smell of vision? What is happening? Is that dude that repugnant?

It's being a really scummy move by this guy. he's he goes to dinner at summer's house like the um summers is the legitimate businessman in with everybody crooked is all right be as legitimate as he portrays himself oh you'll have to watch and find out so they're they're they're they're having you know a little meal at this this uh this house bud wiser all over the place and it's like they start talking about how like oh like the deputy like here's these noises upstairs like there's this is like oh no we just got a new piece of ass in town

so it's just a woman tied to a bed being beaten and presumably raped no most definitely raped like there is sex slavery in China O'Brien and it goes nowhere you think that's the movie it's like oh cool that's actually cool but like

it's about a woman martial artist if she's going to save all these other women from sex slavery that's a power there's a whole basement full of the yeah you know you just, you know, break them free and, you know, beat the shit out of, no, it just kind of just fizzles right out. It's just this one woman and I'm like, okay, so

sex slavery. All right. There's a sex slave in this movie. He's got a little moustachio smile at the idea of it and then they go back on to eating their food. What's funny is the other dudes like don't even really bring it up. They're like, you know what, Summers, we're

cool with, you know, putting the judge in our pocket and running Coke through the town, maybe some arms dealing and whatnot. But you know what? Don't talk about your sex slave in front of us. Okay.

Summers. Is that all right with you? Keep whatever it is you do in the bedroom, you know? I don't want to know about it. It's not my business. And we, you know, this is establishing how bad this guy is. And there's like, he's like

accountant or something is like embezzling funds or some such. thing is not going right and oh that's the conversation that they're having right like this is where they move it to a new room and then they just like kill this guy oh yeah they they kill this guy they kill everybody in this movie they fucking

pretty quickly kill China O'Brien's pop there I mean you're what's what breaks the camel's back here is this this timber mill this lumber yard that they're working in here so this dude tall yeah yeah speaking of lumber right yeah oh yeah his fucking father owns a lumber yard in that movie yeah so

This dude comes up and he's like, hey, Sheriff, here's the deal, man. Summers is fucking cutting down my trees that I've clearly marked and stealing my lumber. Like, can you please go take care of this guy? So the sheriff goes up with China and the Australian guy in tow. Just because. Or is the Australian guy with him? No, this is when we meet Dakota. Oh, right.

Yeah. Because there's a mysterious Native American guy following them. On a fucking dirt bike and he's got a mangled hand for some reason. and we'll find that out later. So they go up to this lumber yard and the sheriff's like, all right, hey, Summers, is that your marking on this tree?

And the guy's like, no, it's my marking. And, you know, Summers is like, yeah, it'll probably be best if you just got the fuck out of here, Sheriff. How about that shit? And they kind of just get into a big old karate fight. But it's amazing because the guys in this lumberyard, they clearly do not care if they take the sheriff's life,

China O'Brien's life, whatever. There's chainsaws that are involved fucking automatic weapons. You work at a lumber yard. Why are you keeping all this stuff around? I mean, a chainsaw, I understand, obviously. Again, yeah, like, there's a difference between a lumber beef and a murdering a cot beef.

And I'd be like, you know what? Just take me in for the lumber, pal. How much is this lumber that it's worth disposing of three corpses? But see, that is the hubris of summers, right? He's gotten so corrupt to the point. point now where even just petty shit, like cutting down another guy's tree, fuck it. It's worth killing the law over. One great little side nothing character in this is this crazed hippie type of guy. That's the dude with the automatic weapon. Yes, with the, he comes out there

with the, uh, you know, the assault rifle. He looks like Tommy Chong on a bad day. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It, oh man, but you know, nothing much comes of it because I guess, I think Dakota. Dakota steps in and starts karateing this fella and you're like, oh, all right, well, here's like a third person in here that knows karate in this movie. I guess that means eventually at some point, China, the Australian guy and this dude are going to become some

sort of team. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that. Hopefully that happens. And when the sheriff got there, he actually introduced China as his daughter. I think, you know, you, they know it's the, they know it's the sheriff's daughter and they're taking a chainsaw

to her. They don't give a fuck. They don't care. Why would they? Because when everybody gets arrested finally, because you know, China wins the day, they go up in front of the crooked judge. The crooked judge is just like, you know what, sheriff, you didn't, you had no right going into

this man's property, you're abusing your authority, and you little girl I'm 41 years old. I'm a grown woman. You're abusing your authority by investigating potential crimes. Yeah, someone complained something to you. You investigated it. You're

abusing your power and activist judges am i right this is also kind of a scene straight out of walking tall though because when joe don baker goes up to the the uh moonshine distillery like up in the woods and arrests all those dudes and everybody's like pumping their fists like we fucking did we got all these bootleggers and then the judge is like you didn't have a warrant joe don't Baker you clearly don't understand how the law works like I'm letting it's the same fucking scene it is yeah it's the same movie and so the judge is like you know obviously summer is my best bud and barbecue pal like you're free to go and everything like that and so you know the team is a little a little let down you know China is embarrassed for her father her father's embarrassed that you know

his daughters come home and this is the state that the town is in now well he kind of really you You finally, it's like the straw that breaks the Cal is backwards. Like, you know, I guess I should finally go to the FBI with this entire town being crooked. Correct. He says, you know, listen, this is embarrassing. It's clearly out of my hands at this point. I have a connection with the FBI up in the Salt Lake City office. I'm going to drive up there in the morning.

I'm going to tell them what's going on. We're going to bring in the feds and fucking, you know, get this finished. And scaly face is listening in, right? He's just like, with all his greasy ears and backwards hairs. He tells Summers about it, clearly. I've just been thinking about this whole reptilian skin thing you mentioned earlier. And I'm just like, in my mind, I'm now asserting this movie into the Flintstones. Sure, of course.

And all, you know, the white people are the Flintstones people. And then this guy is one of the dinosaurs. He was just trying to survive. Lickner is totally a dinosaur. What's actually kind of funny is. he overhears this because he's got the office bugged like the sheriff's like he says to the other guy he's like hey deputy why don't you come to my office not you lickner you scaly face pus filled scumbag you stay out here so they go in the office and then lickner's like okay I get it and then he goes in like this back hallway and there's like a like an electricity meter like hanging out and he flips it up and it's a total like James Bond like gets smart, like, phony thing and he pulls it up and there's this

speaker and it's connected to a bug that's in this office and I'm like, at what point is this redneck moron like setting this thing up? This is a spy device. It's fucking lives of others type stuff. It'd be great if you got electricity day, time to read the meter and he just gets

shot in the heart. This is a poor electrician. Maybe he's a Soviet spy. Yeah, it's entirely possible. Be Americans. Am I right? Yeah. That's right they walk among us man yeah you especially in Utah so they're having this conversation with China afterwards you know they have a nice old dinner you know and she's like oh I'm gonna go visit my boyfriend my Aussie boyfriend who I love so much even though we grew up at the same

town and he's clearly Australian and dad's oh uh and the mother the the stepmother's like I've got a call there is trouble and he's like oh I should go take care of that so he gets in his car big old fucking car bomb Boom, done. Car bomb one of two. It's fucking awesome. It's like that scene in the dark night, actually. It is.

So they take out that judge. It's a great car bomb. And the great thing about the second car bomb is like, he gets the call that, like, I guess there's a, there's been a car bomb. It's like, you got to get down there. Like, there's problems, you know, and he goes out to his car. And then he just blows up. Yeah, that's the deputy you're talking about. The deputy.

The good deputy that we didn't really discuss. Yeah. not scaly face lichner now he's now lichner is in charge of the police he becomes the interim sheriff i guess it's kind of like if the fucking president and the vice president both die somehow then it's like the speaker of the house is the president like this dude lichner's just you know they're thinking about it too right now right can we talk about the car bomb secret her dad's car bomb because my favorite thing that happens to this movie is her dad goes up at a like a christmas tree right and she runs out and the mother runs out

and China has like a million times where she's like can I get in the car no I can't and she's like running in then running back out and then like it's a lot of like hold me back from this entirely burning car but what's amazing is like you know Can't get rid of that shit China

Cynthia Rothrock's like doing her best like oh my God my father is a crispy critter now and all this shit and this stepmother is the worst actress of all time so like Rothrock is freaking out like doing her thing And then this woman's like, no, it's hot, don't. There's metal and gas and don't.

Please don't. My favorite part of the car bomb reaction, though, she comes out of the house in slow motion and they have like, it's a nice house the sheriff lives in. There's a little cool like wrap around front porch and stuff and some little stairs that lead down to the lawn. China O'Brien jumps off this porch and does like a, like her hands go into like the Y of Y of Y.

YMCA, and she does this, like, perfect, like, leap off the fucking porch. And in slow motion, it's just this, like, really nice, like, prancing, jumped kind of a thing, like, out of nowhere. Even as her father's corpse molders, she needs to show off her gymnastics, her karate, it's always about China. Listen, man, you don't turn that stuff off. Once you're trained, you're just wired differently. Yeah, she was named Cindy O'Brien before she learned all that. that shit, right? It's inside of her.

Even though karate's Japanese. Wouldn't that be great if there was a Japan, O'Brien, as well? Maybe like an enemy? Yeah, I mean, we're saying she's doing karate. She's doing a martial art of some kind. I don't know how to tell

those apart. It looks pretty rudimentary karate. Kung Fu's the China one. No, I know, but I'm just saying I'm just saying if you were like, hey, Andrew, Here's five different people doing five different martial arts. Name them. I'd just go home.

Jitsu, judo. No, you have to match it with the final. Here's five people doing something. Don't look at them and just name things. So listeners don't know that we actually have five people doing something right in front of us. You guys can all go home. This whole experiment failed. The best part about this movie is how bad the choreography is because it's very slow and it's clearly.

fast forward because like it's unnaturally fast you mean that the film is sped up the fight yeah the fighting is like yeah they're very you know it's very clearly like they didn't have a very good choreographer so it's like they had to do it very slow to make sure it was safe but instead of like filming it's an intelligent way they just speed it up yeah it turns into benny hill for every time it's a little fight scene i thought they were just that fast they were just that good it's entirely possible well i think the australian guy is faster than Cynthia Rothrock and the Dakota

fella. Yeah, he's the one that's making everything move faster. No, I think it's not even anyone's fault, but the stuntmen who are just all out of shape and not able to keep up with these karate hunks and babes. Yes, and this is the fundamental problem with

a movie like this, right? Where like this well-trained athletic martial artist goes into a place where it's a bunch of fucking rednecks and mountain people, and whatnot and they're just lumbering around trying to hit you with a pipe or throw a fucking weight bench at you or whatever and you're just this person

who's like swift and moving around like when you have to get the stuntman to play the mountain man kind of guy if you want a realistic looking dude you know that guy's clearly not going to be trained in the martial arts versus a movie where it's martial artists versus other martial artists yeah then you can just have people that are going at the same speed it's fine but when you got Cynthia Rothrock trying to kick some fat fucking the balls you know you got to like slow down that

choreography because fucking you know Wendell over there ain't gonna keep up with everything else it's a fundamental problem with these kinds of fish out of water martial artist stories oh Wendell you are the fattest stuntman side note uh on Cynthia Rothrock and her IMDB page okay one of her personal quotes is I really wish I would be direct It's like in parentheses On Kenneth Brana That guy could direct a movie

I'd love him to direct one of my movies But that'll never happen Well at least she's not delusional She's right where she's supposed to be She watched a bunch of do about nothing And it's like yeah this is There's some karate in this movie You think she saw Thor

And she was like I could have that quote That quote from all those years ago I could have played one of the Asgard and Thor drinking buddies. God damn it, Kenneth Brana. That would have been great. If she was actually one of the drinking buddies. If Cynthia Rothrock just showed up in a Marvel movie, that would be fucking awesome.

Cynthia Rothrock, give me more ale. More ale Rothrock from Asgard. Rothrock kind of sounds like Ragnarok. Yep. There you go. That's nice. That's Norse mythology. And you're right, he'd just be slapping her on the tush telling her to get a beer because

let me, I don't know for sure, but let me guess. Asgard women are kind of subservient It's a misogynist society There are women warriors in Asgard What year did Marvel write them in? The 1990s Yeah what year did they start that penance So

Her father's dead This other dude's dead That also by the way Like kind of sort of had a crush on China O'Brien But that's just an unrequited love that she'll never know. Let's get ready for some local politics. And this is the key

difference between this movie and Walking Tall. Because it's the same thing, right? Like, oh, hey, Buford, you should run for Sheriff. Yeah, all right, maybe I'll do that. And then it's like cut to Joe Don Baker winning the fucking election, and that's the end of it.

You see the China O'Brien fucking campaign trail and talk about taking a nap. I went up and used the bathroom for a long time and I didn't pause it during I was like oh she's on the campaign trail I'll be back

in a minute well you if you if you bothered to watch the scene you would see O'Brien spelt a bunch of different ways at all these sides because clearly nobody is keeping track of that shit there was some trivia about this like apparently one of these shots

you know this might be just another movie legend that isn't true just another legend about China O'Brien Everybody's always talking about it. That apparently, you know, to get some crowd shots of this campaign, she actually marched in like a real parade. And apparently some real radio stations were announcing her candidacy for a sheriff as China O'Brien. Cynthia Rothrock had to like withdraw from the race.

Like literally, I'm just a movie star. I don't want to be. Do you think she got like the- China O'Brien had to drop out of the race? Do you think that China O'Brien won, like, the right-in vote? They were all like, oh, I don't care about Buford versus Wayne, but this China O'Brien. Finally, some karate in the streets, God damn it. Clean up those meth heads.

I guarantee you Wayne won in a landslide because they're like, China, that's where they send the jobs. My favorite part, and by the way, truth be told me. We used to make socks here. What happened to that? That should be your platform, Eric. Bring it back to socks to America. We should. American socks for American feet.

I'd vote for you. That's pretty great. What a catchy little thing you got there to put on a poster. I've always wanted a giant poster of my face looking all disgusting and slightly obese. Like Citizen Kane? Yeah. Oh, it's Cisco. Suska, O'Brien, 2016.

I'll vote for you. citizen ciska it's too bad we just elected a mayor last week man we could have figured this out together we could have taken them all there so truth be told by the way i did not get up and go to the bathroom i was making a joke one of my favorite scenes is the can on the campaign trail is they have a rally around a bonfire this is so awesome because they have this bonfire and she gets up and she's speaking like thank you so much like you know you guys are great for support me the best part about this is she's let it take a stage with four chairs who's sitting down in those chairs literally no one well that was for all the prestigious town guests that they

invited that didn't show up but what's amazing is all of a sudden you just start hearing like boo boo and I'm like who are they booing cut to the fire department shows up this is the only time you will see firefighters booed in any capacity and the Firefighters are like, you know, this is illegal. You can't have this fire because also the firefighters are crooked in this movie. Of course. First crooked firefighters I've seen since Backdraft. And she goes like, Summers even owns the fire department.

And they're all getting booed and whatnot. And then this firefighter starts like trying to put out the bonfire with the truck hose. And the Australian guy? What does he do here? He starts fighting the firefighting. He just beat the shit out of the fire firemen, you know? America's bravest, not America's karate is. That's for sure.

it's so great like it's something that I never realized I wanted to see until I saw it was was firefighters big all suited up to fight a fire getting their asses handed to them I mean it's hilarious to watch you don't expect it you're you're ready to fight flames and intangible elements and here comes this greased up Aussie with some sweet karate kicks you're not going to beat him conversely if I'm watching a karate movie I expect the people being karateed to be drug dealers have mullets maybe like a scumbag like snake skin suit on or something not a dude decked up in 100% fire me in uniform

and it's just a hilarious juxtaposition so it's kind of weird because we have our our team is being formed here and Aussie's got all the firemen Dakota our Native American friend who we still kind of haven't met yet

He's still like on the fringes. He's kind of a mysterious kid. He is a mysterious guy. Hey, speaking of mysterious, this actor, okay, this dude that played Dakota, you want to talk about how mysterious this guy is. Mortal Kombat 1, Reptile. Mortal Kombat 2, Sub-Zero. What the fuck?

Yep. Figure that shit out. Wait, the movies? In the movies, in the first Mortal Kombat. I thought he was playing. No, he did not. He wasn't the artistic inspiration for Sub-Zero. No, yeah, in Mortal Kombat

Annihilation, he's Sub-Zero, but in the first one he's Reptile. That's crazy. That's this dude, Dakota. He looks like a Native American Justin Long. By the way, in the game, that's how replaceable these... Oh, yeah. The guys with this, you know, Scorpion Sub-Zero, Reptile, uh, rain, smoke,

right, they're all, they're just... Nube-Cybott. Noob-Sybot. Twins. He's irreplaceable. He is, he is just a, you know, it's just a game-changer. part is the third mortal combat so it's like when smoke becomes a robot for no reason smoke becomes a robot

for some reason and subzero is revealed to be a scarred white man it's like no get the like with the greasy like slick back get the fuck out of here subs theater was always Asian yeah that's so that third game it's a real jump the shark

for the mortal combat franchise introducing future classic characters like striker the The off-duty cop that you think is an asshole. He looked like a bike, a bike messenger. He was like a blue tanked out. He was supposed to be a member of a SWAT team.

Yeah, bullshit. Stryker was. Then there was the Storm rip-off. That woman, Sindel, I believe. It was just Storm. Syriks. Female Goro. Oh, fuck, what was her name?

Oh, I don't remember. She spit acid on you with her four huge boobs. She had two boobs Oh there was just two boobs Sheba yeah it was Sheba wow Let's see if we could name them all Oh man Jacks was back and then he got his with the robot arms

That's an upgrade I'll tell you that much That was a pleasant surprise Moral Combat 3 A cabal The guy with the two hooks Oh yeah That guy was pretty bad

No that dude sucked And he had like shitty like eyes That were not attached to a skull And he had Predator Dreads too Baraka Was Baraka back for that third one? No. Baraka's Mortal Kombat, too, man. Yeah, that's unfortunate.

I remember when I first heard of that film Baraka, which is a fantastic movie, like the day and the life of the planet. It's this gorgeous, like, you know, super trippy, you know, high-deaf documentary. I have it on Blu-ray. It's great. But I remember when I first heard of it, I was like, hey, Mom, they made a movie

about the Baraka characters in World Kombat 2. No, that's a documentary stupid I just turned 30 about four weeks ago And I still kind of think it's about Baraka I've not seen it And I haven't been convinced otherwise That it's not about Baraka Look until I watch it

And I don't see Baraka in it There's a possibility That movie has Baraka in it Hey Mom Deadpool's in this Wolverine movie But he's just Baraka That was just a big fucking pile of piss for that movie. Yeah, that's for

Baraka, right? Yeah, he's Maraca at the end of that movie. You know what's fantastic about, at the end of the day, what's fantastic about that X-Men Origins movie is the big stink about how it got leaked on the internet, before it was finished, and everybody at Fox was like,

oh, fog! But then everyone who watched the leaked thing was like, oh, this is just I mean, I know the special effects aren't finished, but that's not going to save this. Like, they got so fucked because they knew they weren't necessarily like that mad that the movie got leaked they got mad

because they knew it was dog shit it's like the corporation in Halloween 3 the plan is revealed beforehand like oh no they know we're just trying to put poison out there with this Wolverine movie so she wins this election by the way well no this is the best thing it's like they have this big yeah not without the truck

that she goes through. There is a 40-minute fight in this fucking, in this gymnasium because the Aussie's got this plan. He's like, look, I've got my football team, right? And I have them stationed at all the precincts. So if Summers, who's got an army of drug dealers with machine guns tries to do any trouble, I do have these lackey kids just hanging out. These little 16-year-old kids from my little Utah high school football team. They'll take care of it. So this guy's got this walkie-talkie and this drug dealer's like what's that for it's my favorite line in the whole fucking movie he's got this walkie-talkie he's like uh i call home with that like wait what are you talking about right now and then what ensues is it's a they live length fight scene here because like the kids are like we have to stay here till all the ballots are counted coach told us so and uh they're like get the fuck out of here kids like we you know we don't need you and then like the dude hits this kid upside the face with the ballot box and he's like yeah you can stay there just stay on the fucking ground and so like word

gets back to the coach right before that like hey these dudes are trying to tamper with the box and everything so china and this Australian guy show up at the gym and start fighting these two dudes and I'm like all right well they're going to take these guys out there nobody they're just drug dealers but out of nowhere all of these bodybuilders start coming out of the the woodwork to defend these drug dealers and it's the longest fight ever it goes into the weight room one of these guys it looks like he's like an overweight hobo or possibly joe pescien with honors the science is still out on that one does he have a sad death at the end of this movie like joe peshian with honors and i'll remember the karate you taught me i'll remember

I consider a sad death to be karate beaten to death by an Australian. Oh, that's a sad way Eric went out, huh? Karate to death by that Australian guy. Speaking of the win out, that girl that, uh... China O'Brien? No, the one that tried to expose her buttocks to that bar. Yep. Oh, right.

The high school friend. Man, she, she's got a great one. She's got a classic little thing here. She pulls over China O'Brien to apologize. Yes. about like, you know, being a terrible person. Sorry I almost got you raped in that bar. Seriously, I wanted to take you down to pay.

And then someone, I guess, drives by and sees them and she's like, oh, I got to get out of here. Like, do they do that. So she leaves. And then there's a bomb, like she gets a bomb threat on her car. Chino Brian gets a bomb threat on her car. So she calls it in, the bomb squad and everyone comes there to investigate it. And they go out to her car and they open up the charge.

trunk and it's just that woman dead. It's a dead prostitute in her car. Eyes wide open and the weird thing is like obviously you'd think this is Summers trying to frame her for the murder but it just kind of goes away like it goes away they have a brief thing where this

the lizard skinned acting sheriff is like you know he's like you listen China O'Brien we found a dead prostitute in your car cobra Yeah, and so like he's

This town of the sheriff's office is now Cobra I'll get these Joe's China O'Brien and the Jones. Come on Destro. So what's great though is this dude is like, so listen

you knew the victim right? And she's like, yeah, so. Hmm. Very interesting. And she's like, why is that interesting? Well, because she's dead. And that's the extent of the investigation.

You should do the thing where you're like, I got to call you in. Framer, yeah, like, fucking go to the fucking extra. Candidate for sheriff arrested for murdering a prostitute. The problem is, yeah, Cobra never frames anyone. Like, yeah, it's like, we'll just shoot at them and then run away. That's their Embo That's it

Shoot red lasers So they can Tell the difference Between the good guys And the bad guys So I love that I do love that thing

Where we need to get We buy our laser guns From two different stores I've got the blue one Because I'm the good guy You're the red one Because you're the bad You're the

That's just the laws Of GI Joe warfare Not only that That's the law The Geneva Convention for the show. It was in the actual

Geneva Convention, which is why it extends into Star Wars. The lightsaber colors. Yep, yeah. Red means bad. Now, that was another thing, by the way,

not to just start wasting four days complaining about those prequels, but why was Mace Windus purple? Because Sam Jackson is, you know,

he played shaft. That's why? No, because he's a badass. He wanted it. The weird thing was there was, like, all this, like, theory for the last, like, fucking 30 years because no one's got anything else to do. Cancer still exists. But they're like, well, blue is for, like, the best of whatever. Green is Jedi Master.

Yeah, green is Jedi Master. Blue is Jedi Knight. And then red is bad guy. And then purple is because Sam Jackson wants it to be. Well, that's just dumb. It is dumb. Here's what you do. You film your dumb little movie.

yeah sure Samuel that's fine we'll make a purple lightsaber for you that's great and then in pre-production when he's already made the movie a post-production excuse me you're right when he's already made the movie and has nothing to do with it you make it whatever fucking color makes sense dumbass don't just do it because this dude asked you to and you've never had a purple lightsaber ever in the history of your dumb franchise come on have some fucking integrity fucking Shaft told me

he wanted a purple lightsaber so I did it I'm fucking spineless That is a bogus move man So apparently Summers' big plan To rig this election Was to send a bunch of fucking

Karate guys over to a fucking gymnasium And when that fell through So did the ringing of the election She wins in a fucking landslide victory One of my favorite fucking scenes In this entire movie is Summers is having his summer's summit of all the scumbags

in the town. It's the judge and its lizard face and some fucking fat guy. Oh, it's the dude that was getting arrested at the beginning of the movie and three Herkiloid. And they're all there, right? And so Summers is like, all right, listen,

let's talk numbers. With all the crooked activity that's going on, I'm going to win this, right? And the judge is like, well, I've got some, I've got some people somewhere and they're yeah yeah maybe and I'm like all right that's not voting too well for summers and then fucking lizard face is like yes I have several people some who've moved out of town and some were voting from the graveyard and I'm like oh my god

he's doing like a side show bob fucking voting the dead names like four summers and but he's too stupid so he's actually taking corpses to the Polic place. He's weekend at burning them. Yeah. Sorry, boss. It took too long to move these corpses. Look at

for Nancy here. She's got a bone to pick. It just becomes the crib keeper. That's a crickkeeper John. Yeah. Yeah. So what's great is after all of this, he's saying like, you know, the people who have moved away from this town, I'm still going to use their names to vote for you, Summers.

The dead are going to vote for you, Summers is like, oh, perfect. So can you guarantee I'm going to win this? And they all just look at their shoes like, uh, well, when you say guarantee, Summers, what exactly do you mean by that? Well, I mean that it's a definite thing that I'm going to win this election. Oh, in that case, no. And then it's just like, O'Brien wins and landslides. Well, see, it's father who's dead.

Well, the best part about it is he's like, well, we better think of plan B then. And plan B consists of this. at China O'Brien's backyard, you know, a celebratory festival there. It's a real down-home, don't-you-know barbecue celebrating this clean win. And, you know, so my plan of sending four henchmen to a gymnasium didn't necessarily work out

in ringing that election. So my next chess move is to send a guy with a machine gun to shoot up this fucking, this ho-down. Yeah, God, like, yeah, it's the election part of the, victory party? Oh my god. Why would you, at that point, just fucking kill China O'Brien anyway. Just send all you got with

guns, not with karate fighting. Nope, with guns. Lots and fucking lots of guns. Good old fashion American guns and just go killer. Nope. This dude sucks ass at using an Uzi, by the way. Lays waste to pickle

jars, mayonnaise, things of ribs, a stack of napkins, some paper plates, a whole lot three-liter things of soda, but it hits one person. I thought you met you, wait, I thought the hit was for the barbecue. You said hit the barbecue, right?

Oh, at the barbecue? I need a new assistant. So what's great is like, and this is the question I have for you guys to see if you could figure it out, because I was confused. Send Storm Shadow. Thinking of N-EG, I jokes I do. The woman

who's dead, like, is trying to Brian goes up to this woman, she's got her fucking brain spattered all over the potato salad. She's like, pissed, and she's like, all right, that's it. We're going to the judge's house. Is that the stepmother? Yep. Oh, it sure is. Is it?

Okay. Which is amazing because she's like, huh, well, she's dead. All right, let's go to that judge's house. Fucking no remorse whatsoever. It's great. I didn't even catch that. Yeah. Listen, I didn't want you to remarry after mom died, but you did.

And now she's dead. Poor Carol. Oh, well. so we got to talk about Dakota a little bit he's yeah as we do a mysterious native American that looks like Justin Long that people call chief well because that's what you're going to do in this town and he rides a dirt bike and he's great at it and he can you know he can kick some ass too he's missing like an arm pretty much well he's got a wrap up he's got the arm from the commandant from young Frankenstein and it's just he has to like wind it up for some

reason it's like i don't know what is going he tries to keep like this clamp over it and i don't know if it's like it like hooks into his dirt bike so he can hold on oh that's right so it's like a lego hand that he made for himself yes what's going on precisely you think lego is going to make a video game for lego china o'brien i'd buy it those games are fun as shit they could do lego perfect strangers and i'd play it because why not so they feed this uh oh i must call them chief myself they feed Dakota a bowl of soup and then he spills the beans about his his backstory it's kind of like kingpin like he goes into the wrong town he was trying to be a pretend a pretend bible salesman or whatever hustle in a priest he's like a championship motorcross racer that's

been like touring around and making money at races and stuff and he goes to visit his mom at the beaver creek inn because he's also from this town and she's a prostitial there much to uh dakota's chagrin he didn't know what's going on no and uh you know she noticed him takes away time from a client to pay it and client yeah that guy's pissed like like she's like oh it's my son and the guy the the the john's like oh fucking great it's the manager of the beaver creek in well no then he comes by and he's like oh uh so you're keeping a a fellow waiting here talking to this this boy of yours here you know get back to it and like Dakota's like listen fuck this like you're a prostitute all of a sudden I go away for two months and you're a

prostitute and then she says like oh well I have press clippings from all your dirt bike races don't change the subject you're a prostitute but also wait they're I guess they're printing dirt bike races in the newspapers I guess if it's like the local town It's like local boy Dakota makes good on the dirt bike circuit Also this town is really against Bring your son or daughter to work day Every time somebody tries to surprise their parent at work

It does not go over well I think that's just a policy at the Beaver Creek Lodge though Because that's where it happens both times They're like get the fuck out of here kid And for some reason just because he's He's not even like I'm going to fight all you guys You know fuck this He's just not okay with his

He's a bit shocked because his mother's a prostitute. You didn't know that. And they take him outside and can you pin him. Well, you know, part of that is because he's fussing with the Beaver Creek Inn's business. Yeah, let's be realistic. The other reason is because he's half Native American. For sure. Okay.

These guys are just looking to do that to somebody. So you get a couple nice little, you know, nice real hard punches right in the guts, right? And then they throw him down the ground and then they just start stepping on his hand. This one dude lays a big old cowboy. boy boot on this dude's hand and you're like oh all right so that's the origin of your Lego hand back to the movie so his whole thing is

he hates Summer's guts and he's trying to find out what happened to his mother she's never seen again obviously yeah she just vanished you know he he presumes her to be dead so he's like I hate summer's guts I want to fucking kill him you know you gotta you gotta let me do this

it's kind of like I'm trying to think of here It's kind of like Robin and Batman forever Just wants to kill To-Face And Bruce Wayne's like, no, you know, listen We're gonna get Summers here, don't worry China O'Brien, by the way, has given up Ever Using Guns because she killed that kid

So she's like, and plus I'm really fucking good at karate So who needs him? Don't need a gun. The one thing about this movie is so like, all right, my dad wants to go to the FBI And he gets killed. I should just go to the FBI the next day. Like the FI comes in. Yep. Yeah. Running for, this is the long way around to get back at summers. You know what I mean? Like, well, it's the way around that makes a movie. Well, sure. I don't want to watch a movie about some karate expert fucking, you know, ratting in on the cheese. Although not for nothing. I would watch China O'Brien call like the FBI and the FBI like getting like this tactical team down there and just starts like taking out these scumbags. Just like, so then it just becomes like indiscriminate murder and arrest.

And that's all I watch, you know, just two hours of the FBI, just like, you know, pistol whipping fat dudes. I'm sure that movie's out there somewhere, you know, if you know of a plot like that that will appease Eric's bloodlust, we all hate movies at gmail.com, let us know. You know what, here, do not take upon yourself to just start pistol whipping fat guys and filming it. That's not what we're looking for here. No, I don't, and you know why? Because it's probably just a bad movie that I don't want to watch. You can send that to my personal email. Cheds are you going to, you're going to kidnap at least one of us?

Let's face it, you're the easiest to kidnap, Steve. Sure. So, so now the H's O, like, we're ready to wrap this movie up for one. So they go to the judge's house and she's like, all right, fuck this. You're on, you're on my payroll now. like you're not working for for summers anymore i need you to do these warrants i need you to deputize you know i need you to swear me and the australian guy's like get your bible he gives this crooked judge this awesome shove it's all oh oh it's so great and that's when

she deputizes her army of hunks which i love it's so great it's the football team it's just all again putting this football team in these are killers thieves and rapists and she's like you know with these 16 year old kids that could run a forward pass can you just get in the middle of this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I was confusing. I thought you were describing the football team. Because I don't know if you've been reading

the papers lately. Don't worry, we don't have to stick anonymous on these people. So they go, they raid like this drug house in the most hilarious fashion ever. They're like, that's a drug house. And then she's like, all right, knock it down.

And this dude's like driving a steamroller into it And all the drug dealers Like fucking rats on a sinking ship Or jumping out of this window Oh, it's so awesome Christian Bale from the fighter jumps out the back Jesse Pinkman rolls out a window So they take care of that

The drugs are done They go to this-Iroly dies though He's too wasted on heroin I'm sorry tea And he's sitting on a dog at the same time That's a great and horrible scene in that show. So then they're like, all right, drugs are done. What's next?

Oh, the hookers. They go to this, like, gorgeous mansion. And the football team is like, well, I can get used to this. They're like dragging, like, all these, you know, sexy ladies out of the house. Oh, no. My dreams ruined. I totally forgot that any woman in this town gets easily turned into a prostitute. My sister.

well that's all right my grandmother oh no it's my sister don't steal her eggs oh man i bet uh she she's the cheapest right oh reptile girl no you gotta pay extra for reptile girl who's paying extra for reptile girl that's a coupon if i ever saw reptile girl's a living walking coupon. To be fair, I didn't realize there might be people who want to have sex with reptiles. And that's just totally normal. That's just another part about being human. I guess

so. I guess so. Fucking a snake. Sure. Sure, Eric. That's just another part about being human. You know, it's a great, it's a great exploration being human. Every day is a journey

somewhere. Takes all kinds. So the Coke's gone. hookers are done. The only thing left is Summers and the fucking evil Beaver Creek in. This is another 20-minute battle scene, and it's great. You want to talk about kicking some fat guys. This is also right out of Walking Tall because Dakota takes his dirt bike right through the window, much like the car in Walking Tall. And he pins the scummy manager with the BIRP, just like you're walking tall.

dude you guys how did no one call this I mean because I guess it's walking tall and it was like in 1970s and no one cared and I think China O'Brien came out and no one cared and no one's side also true Kenneth Brana didn't that's for sure

you know what he should have because there's something missing about Thor and I think I know what it is so yeah Dakota drives his BMX racer through this window pins this dude to the fucking wall and he's got like his automatic weapon like stuck to him and whatever

meanwhile the Australian fella and China O'Brien are just kicking some fat guy ass all over the place. There's some great moments here you got a genuine nice nuts kick. It's a right in the nerds man. And you're a nice close up with this guy going and then China O'Brien like closes

some dudes head in the fridge which is a karate move I didn't know about that's crazy. I remember watching I watched this this morning and when that happened I was like that poor stuntman had no idea she was going to do that to him that sucks bleeding from the ears because it's a real slam like that's this movie clearly did not have the money for a fake refrigerator door like that dude's just getting his head slammed into that poor guy and another great action moment I've written down here is there's a dude that like doesn't know how to combat these super soldiers that are storming this compound and there's like this this water cooler he grabs the water cooler and tries to like smash them with this glass jug of water

there's not a gun in this entire like these are bad dudes is there one gun in the whole fucking town well the one gun is pinned underneath this BMX bike so Dakota picks up his BMX bike like this dude's like pinned under there and whatever he picks it up and drives off

because Summers like he believes Summers is the guy that you know killed his mother and everything like that so he's off for his own revenge so he drives to like the horse stable, we don't see him for a little bit. This fight they finish up this fight. Yeah. It just keeps going. They're like,

oh, Dakota, duh. Anyway, back to this fight. More water jugs that got a duck. What happens to reptile man in this scene? Anything? He doesn't really have a... I think he goes back to his home planet. Because I don't remember it happens to him. It's just kind of... He should have a... He's very responsible for her father's

death. He should have a really... Slithers under a rock. Well, he's very much like the number two and kill crazy, right? Like, he's got to have the best death. A kill crazy kind of death, you know what I mean? We don't really get it. I believe actually he's legitimately arrested. Oh, yeah.

I don't think he's murdered. They line him up at the end. So Dakota's after Summers, and it's just like, it's just like, you know, that tense. He's going to murder him, but then he's like, he would, what how do you get it's like, talk down? Well, they think that he's going to kill him. Right. You know, China O'Brien's, like, so anti-gun and all this stuff. They run after him, like, you know, Dakota, don't do this.

They get to the horse stable. There's Dakota holding the gun. And they're like, Dakota, what did you do? And they run up to the stable. And there is Summers just sitting there. You know, this dude beat the shit out of him. But he didn't take his life. Like, Dakota's better than Summers.

Like, Summers is sitting here watching his empire crumble around. Oh, yeah. You know, an empire built on nothing but fucking, you know, murder and treachery. Bloodshy. A lot of moonshine. Some fucking, you know, Coke. What we used to call white slavery. Not my term. We'll make that face of me. So he's not dead. And they're taking him in like, all right, Summers, you're coming into the long, soothing bosom of justice. And then Summers is assassinated by that sex slave that nobody's thought about in 45 minutes.

It's amazing. I love it so much. She gets, she, she finally gets the last word on Summers. Yeah, she just gets a gun from inside the house and blows them away. Because they're walking and it's like Australian guy, China, O'Brien, Dakota. They're all like, the day is saved and they have Summers. All of a sudden a shot rings out and Summers goes flying and you're like, well, who's left? And they cut to the shot of this window and there is this woman, you know, bloodied and bruised and whatnot. And she's holding this rifle.

And I'm like, oh. Yeah, you were in this movie, huh? Well, that's revenge for you. This woman doesn't have a single line, by the way. No, no, not at all. And I just remembered there is that one throwaway scene in Walking Tall where he saves a sex slave. Oh, my God, you're right.

He storms down the motel door. Yeah, it's like a nothing scene. It's just an excuse to have Joe Don Baker near a scantily clad woman. That's in his contract. And the character's motivation is screaming not because she's necessarily standing next to Joe Don Baker. Necessarily. So then it's like all the football players return their badges like,

oh, that was fun. Maybe I'll grow up to be a law enforcement like you, Miss O'Brien, you know. Can I learn karate from you? Well, only if you could follow the rules and not challenge me to an alley fight. Yeah, and I don't feel like telling you why. So then it's like it's Dakota, the Australian fella and China O'Brien, they're all sitting around, you know, China's like, we did it, Dad.

Summers is set, you know, he's dead, and I didn't technically have anything to do with it. But the point is, that woman's not getting charges against her. Oh, yeah, she's definitely not going to have any charges, but against her. They're like, you know what, just run away. It's fine. You can run off into the woods. It's fine. And Dakota's like, all right, well, I'm out of here.

And they're like, no, like, you'd make a pretty good lawman. And the fucking last line of this movie. Let's all go discuss it over a beer. Rock music instantly. Oh, my God, greatest way to end a movie ever. Let's go have an ice cold beer. China O'Brien. Then they will all be seen again in China O'Brien, too, which no one will ever see.

Which was shot at the same time as this movie, shot back to back. That's how much they bet on China. Well, maybe that's why Reptile Face shaved his mustache, because in the second movie, he shaved it. maybe maybe that's the opening scene is like him he shaves his mustache and then he uses the razor to somehow break out of jail but i've read the plot description about china o'brien too and it's something about like a world crime syndicate now we're talking it sounds very vague drug trade yeah it sounds really good and total like sequel up in the stakes too like you go from small town walking tall to global drug syndicate or whatever well that's what Cobra did, right? That is true. They stepped up their game and cloned the president. Jonathan Price is the president.

Oh, I didn't see that movie. Oh, man. You know what? It's better than the first one, which I know isn't saying much. Everyone in this room turned the first movie off. That's fantastic news. It's awful.

Yeah. But you know what? We watched all of this movie. And who is recommending China O'Brien? I am. It's a lot of fun. It's just like super bad 80s action. even though it's the 90s, it's

1990, it's barely a 90s movie. Yeah. It's fantastic. I like bad karate movies. It looks like she made a lot of them. She is still making them. To save all the tweets, we know Undefeatable exists and we'll watch it.

Yeah, everyone in this room is aware of Undefeatable. The famous fight scene from Undefeutable is fantastic. I cannot wait to watch that movie. I mean, she has a huge body of work. And like I said, she's still making movies now. And I'm totally recommending this movie. It's clear, right?

We're all recommending this? Yes, I will recommend this movie. This is, it's great. It's fun. It's dumb. You know, what else do you need? It's a great time. It was crazy to be like, well, I'm finally watching this movie I talked about once in 2010.

I feel like this stay tuned month has been very beneficial for stuff like that. Yeah, solid action movie. You know, it's crazy. and it's, you know, her fighting mountain people, but, like, totally enjoyable. Solid karate fighting, aside from, you know, the slowed down choreography for when you're fighting some of those heftier stuntmen. Yeah. It's totally, totally worthwhile.

Yeah, and you know what? This is prime for a reboot. This big budget. Who's playing China O'Brien and a China O'Brien reboot? Well, it would be like some younger actress, but then Rothrock would play like her mother teaching. It's like that first Antonio Banderas' zone. Zorro picture where Anthony Hopkins is supposed to be original

Zorro or something or something all right all right I will say this Cynthia Rothrock needs to be in an expendables movie of some kind. Absolutely. And we haven't done an internet campaign in a while the Domino's thing I think went over okay I guarantee you that President cried a little bit

that Domino's president. He's doing it anyway like he's just got a lot to cry about but here we go tweet at Slice Stallone. It is at the Slice Stallone. That's his Twitter handle. Hashtag Rothrock Inexpendables. Honestly, do not let up.

Make him aware, you know? Make him, there's no escape plan out of this. Why they want me to make a Flintstones movie? I don't understand it. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Maybe I could do. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, Arnold, check this out, ready? Hey, yabed-dabudu. I would love. All right, now also hashtag Slice to Lone Fred Fliss? Also, if they adapted in our style and add Cobra, he can finally

work with Bruce Willis again. Oh, that's never happening. There's a greedy, greedy man. Seriously, there's a hundred billion dollars on the table and you can't open all those plant of Hollywoods by yourself.

And that is China O'Brien from 1990 directed by Robert Klaus. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. The back catalogs there. More information about the program is also there. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at

gmail.com. Subscribe and iTunes. Rate and review there. It really helps get the word out about the show. Like we said last week, even if you don't get the show via iTunes. Go to iTunes. Write and review anyway. Helps us out. We'd appreciate it. it yeah you got to do it yeah Eric said so there it is because Siska said so check us out on Stitcher radio if you use that app you can stream the most recent five episodes of the show on the go blame it on outer space is back in action there's a new episode up on Bigfoot what do you got next what is what is coming up next on blame it on outer space

chem trails chem trails now that is when the government makes aviators spray chemical on the human population. You will get to it on the show. I don't want to, it's just a little hint. Blame it on outerspace.com. They're on iTunes and Stitcher. Facebook.com slash Blame it on outer space. Yeah, you got to do it. You got to do it. At Blame SpacePod on Twitter. So, we've been given hints all week as to what we're doing. Steve, this is

one I'm going to throw over to you. Hint for what we're doing for next week. Stay tuned. I'm only going to do this because the man's in a million movies and it's going to be impossible. Very difficult to track down Dermott Mulrooney. Wow, there you go. Dermit Mulroney is the clue for next week's episode.

Yeah, it's impossible. So just wait till next week. Clue for a clue. It's a riddle wrapped inside of Enigma. That's how Steve rolls. He's a man of mystery. Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen's say that. Take it easy. You've got to do it. Thank you.