We Hate Movies - S4 Ep136: Episode 136 - The Good Son

Episode Date: December 17, 2013

In this week's episode, the gang takes a walk through the graveyard with creepy Macaulay Culkin and not as creepy Elijah Wood in the eerie child thriller, The Good Son! What is David Morse really doing on that trip to Tokyo? How are these two parents allowed to have children? And how are all those cars crashing and no one sees a thing? Plus: Marc Summers' Child Bootcamp. The Good Son stars Macaulay Culkin, Elijah Wood, David Morse, Wendy Crewson, Daniel Hugh Kelly and Quinn Culkin; directed by Joseph Ruben. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisker. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Thank you for tuning in this week. If you're new to our fair little show, thanks for checking us out.

We hope you stick around this week. We are talking about 1993's Terror Child Thriller, The Good Sun, directed by Joseph Rubin. Written by Ian McEwen of Atonement Fame, the first Man Booker Prize winner to Grace W.HM. Is this based off a novel then?

No, it just was his, like, project. It was just a great idea. idea he had. You know what? This is better than atonement. I'll say it. I'll say it. I don't care for that movie either.

I think, I mean, this script of this movie, the story of this movie isn't terrible. It's the direction and the acting and the other stuff. And speaking of having problems with the directing and speaking of New Year's Eve when our call window is closing, we last spoke of Joseph Rubin when we did um 1995's money train oh wow he's also the uhuteur of that horrible pile of garbage if you want a movie that looks like a movie hired joseph reuben because it's just it's got all the the nuts and bolts of a movie is it fair to say that this movie's kind of like uh a million dollar budget higher than a lifetime movie because this could be a lifetime movie right yeah more or less You're just, you're, you're injecting it with some casting money so you can get McCulley Culkin.

It's like you're, you know, work, you know, lifetime. It's like you're looking for stuff that will terrorize, you know, white women. Yeah, you know, women, women who have children and stuff. And what could be worse than getting a bad seed? Dude, it's not just terrifying women. I was sitting here like, uh, hmm, terrifying kids. It's the same thing like when I watch those SVUs where there's evil children. and you get some of those every now and again?

I mean, that's kind of everybody's biggest fear, right? It's just, you know, you decide to have a kid, and you just get one in a million, you get the evil kid. If you get a bad seed, it's like, you know, you're like the mother in this movie. Do I, do I put up with it, or do I throw them off a cliff? I think this opens up a philosophical question of nature versus nurture.

Oh, interesting. I think a lot of times, you know, children of the corn don't just happen. You're partially responsible for that. And maybe you shouldn't have been doing all the, you know, showing them, you know, who's him a fudge. Yeah, that goes double for you, Amanda Gacy. No, I don't know. I don't know what John Gasey's mother's name is.

Well, I'll tell you, Eric, I think there's something to that because as we see in this film, these parents are terrible. Yes. They're awful. They lose a child. The backstory is at some point, you know, the little boy, little kid died down in a bathtub, played in a photograph by Rory Culkin. scream three scream four is rory calkin before he get that

fucking dumb haircut he looks ridiculous with that long hair absolutely terrible he's got too tiny of a head he looks like the guy at the end of beetle juice you can't have a small head and big hair the shrunken head yeah exactly

okay not the sandworm so yeah they've lost a child yeah they lose a child and weirdly enough Elijah Wood just loses his mom and David Morris has some shady fucking business deal to do in Japan.

He's going to meet with the yakuza. This is a weird, his brother's like, I know your wife just died, but I need you to go seal this Tokyo deal, and you'll be set for life, and you won't have to worry about leaving your son Elijah Wood ever again. And there's a lot of, like, tense moments like, this is your chance.

You're going to finally, you're going to finally make it. This is what you always wanted, isn't it? It's just two weeks, and I got kids. Most of them are still alive. You got a two out of three success rates. It's a real vague drug trade situation. I feel like, yeah, this movie's going on, and at the same time, in Japan, it's like Black Rain or something.

Like, you know, he's just going out there Black Rain and everybody. Which, by the way, a David Morse Black Rain-esque thriller. Yeah. I'll buy it. I'd rather be watching that than this. By a hundred. Oh, him against the Yakuza? Hey, by the way, you know how we're off to a roaring start with this movie?

The opening title sequence is in Comic Sans. How the fuck do you fuck that up? Like, just anything, like, that's a little less creepy. Nothing is worse than Comic Sans. It's about children. But that goes along with other shit that's totally inappropriate for this kind of movie. Like, the score to this movie is all like, do, do, do do do. And he's, like, fucking dangling Elijah Wood out of a tree house.

And it's like, la, la, la. This movie has no fucking clue. No fucking clue what it is. The score is really terrible. The score is like really bouncy and like, but da-da-da-da-da-da-da-tut-da-tut-da-tut. It's like a Harrison Ford movie, but it should be creepy and like there needs to be some...

I'm not afraid of any of this, you know? And I find Malkali Culkin as scary as the next guy. He's terrifying. This is like right after Home Alone 2, right before Richie Rich. So he's still a creepy-looking kid before he's a creepy-looking adult. When he turned it to an adult during Ritchie Rich?

Yeah, I think so. I think that's what happened. He buys his way into adulthood. It was right around the time they were parodying North by Northwest while shooting that movie that he became a man. So our movie starts out, Elijah Wood's mother dies of cancer. He just scores a sweet soccer goal. And it's like, yeah, yeah. And then his dad's like, hey, stop.

Your mom's dying of cancer. Hey, uh, coach, it's happening. Which it's like, if it was happening by the. way you're letting this kid go to a soccer game why don't you just have him there like i know it's not the easiest thing in the world but like he just makes it it's like she says goodbye and there's also a weird like i'll promise i'll always be with you which he takes way too literally that's the craziest part of this movie he's kind of crazier than mcculley calkin which we'll get to he's nuts he's a straight up lunatic he's a lunitude because like they're in the so he's like

yeah i got to do this vague deal i know that we just put your mother in the ground we have to drive across country because I got to get the fuck to Japan by midnight tonight. Also, this doesn't make any flippin' sense, right? So they clearly live somewhere in the Southwest. Right. It's like in Arizona or something. And they drive to what? What is it? Maine?

It's Nantucket. They live on Nantucket. And so he drives all the way to Massachusetts and then has to fly all the way back. Like, just fucking send him with the uncle. You don't have to do this road trip. But it's like, this is what I thought of though. It's like if the

If the one brother is living in Nantucket, and by the way, sick drug dealer house, they totally live on this, like, gorgeous cliff. And this other brother is living in like Arizona or New Mexico or whatever, what is this business that they can live that far apart and they're still like working together on deals? The brother's not in it. The brother's like, you need to set yourself up. This is your deal. I think the brother's a vague doctor. Oh, is that? I thought the, I thought the brother was in on it.

I was like, what scheme are they cooking up? scheme is like, like, listen, I'll watch the kid for two weeks, then I get two percent. I just want just to taste. It's like drop in the bucket. Or maybe it's a situation where David Morris is like, look, I'm going to go do, I know my wife's just dead. Who gives this shit? I'm going to go to Japan and seal this deal. And his brother's like, uh-uh, collateral.

I need that kid for two weeks just in case you don't come back. Also, why not just have someone? I mean, do you know nobody where you live? have someone else watch the kid there's a bunch of people at that funeral reception you couldn't ask any of them to watch him for two weeks you're gonna drive across the fucking country to dump this kid somewhere but also if you volunteer to watch my kid just after his mother dies fucking watch my kid don't just mm-hmm this is the my biggest problem with this movie they're like well you're a kid it's main go nuts well well go nut here's the

thing with this the parenting the parenting thought it's like oh our kid died to drowned in the bathtub. Why? We weren't watching it. Oh, so what are we, so we have these other kids and what are we going to do? Let's not watch them. Ever. There's some severe terrible parenting in this neighborhood.

And I know it's like, you know, it's, it's Nantucket. So, you know, it's a small, small community. We're just before we realize that kids get picked up and molested. Well, right, because, you know, we're not getting picked up off the internet yet. So that's still not a factor. speak for yourselves. You were there, day one. Day one, man.

I got in early ground floor. But still, you don't just let your kids randomly just wander away and have no clue where they are. When you've lost a child. And, like, how do you let McCulley Cucke kills his kid brother in the bathtub, right? This kid is like three years old. What does this kid take in baths by himself? Like, well, the mother has something about like, because she blames herself because she's like, oh, was just six inches of water

I only stepped away for a second but also it's like you only stepped away for a second like you totally know McCullough Culkin did it like how is he getting away with that you can't just like slip in there grab him by the ankles and hold them upside down in the water till he's done

and then run out of there like nothing happened like she has to know this whole time that her one son killed the baby son well maybe she was in denial huh I mean, maybe. Yeah, maybe she was just trying to cope with it, pretending it didn't happen, you know.

The good son, too, the baby son? Is that about a ghost? It's about a ghost baby. That haunts McCulley Culkin for once. Well, I think if you watch this movie and then you watch the changeling, that's kind of like a sequel. That's about a baby that got murdered in a bathtub. George C. Scott.

Classic flick. So there's a weird thing on this road trip where Elijah Wood's playing game boy in the car and David Morse is trying to talk to him. David Morris, by the way, phenomenal actor. But I want to mullet too in this movie. Phenomenal mullet for sure. Love David Morris. He's that fucking great George Washington.

He was great on House. Love David Morse. In this movie, he's like Hey, Elijah Wood, come on. I know your mother just died and I miss her too, but don't be a dick. Like, talk to me. And he pulls over and Elijah Wood's like, Mom's coming back, you know.

She's not gone. And he's like, nope she's dead buddy and he's like no she might not come back like a person but she's going to come back like a zombie or like a bird you know i don't know if this kid's believing in like reincarnation or whatever or a giant slore mom's coming back as a giant slore the traveler has come your mother is returned. Chosen the form of Slore. David Morris is like, I am hiding that Ghostbusters VHS.

You've just watched it too many times. And this kid's like, he's like, look, your mom's dead, she's never coming back. And he jets out into the desert and the movie cuts. And then they're back, they're in Nantucket already. Like, I need the end of that scene. Like, I don't know that kid got back in the car. Maybe he hitched

his way to Nantucketka. Well, I know. So he just ran away from home and, like, let dad go to Japan. And then he's like trying to get his footing out there riding the rails for a while. And then he's just like, you know what? That last week, it's been pretty rough on the road. I'll go to my uncle's house. Well, I just feel a lot of that is probably like, look, we've got McCauley Calkin in this movie.

He's like the biggest child star in the world. We already have 15 minutes where he's not in this McCauley Calkin movie. Yeah. We got to get to McCulley Culkin sooner than later. So there probably is a scene where David Morris, like, chases him out onto a rock and is like, you know, listen, it's going to be okay. He's shaking him like really hard. You get back in the fucking car.

And no more of this, no more of this nonsense about your mother coming back. It's a God knows what. I don't even know what a slor is. Put that game machine down. Well, he does. I think it's in, I've heard this in more than one movie where somebody's playing a video game and their father or mother comes. He's like, whenever you're done bombing the universe, want to talk to me?

It's like, there's no fucking video game where you bomb the universe, all right? He's like, I'm playing Tetras. Yeah, exactly. Well, back when they played, back when David Morris was in college, and they played Pong on Atari and got super stoned, he used to call it bombing the universe. Oh, man. Oh, man, I was bombing the universe for like five straight days. He's also eating a bunch of Milky Way bars. Hey, look, I love doing peyote in the desert as much as the next guy,

but you've got to talk to me right now, son. This is just Dr. Mario. So they get to this house, and it's a snowy Nantucket winter. And the first time we see McCauley Culkin, he's wearing a terrifying paper machine mask. Well, he's one of the strangers in the beginning. It's just really, and he's just like, I'm not evil. Hello. Yeah, it's like Michael Myers, Jr.

Yeah, and these parents are like, oh, Macaulay. And they were like, no, no, no, no, that's the weirdest thing I've seen in years. Yeah, if I'm David Morris, I'm like, no. Hoof, dodged a bullet with that. You want to come with me to Japan? You think he could hide stuff? He does a weird thing, too, where they're like, take that mask off. And he's like, I made one for you, too, Elijah Wood.

Now he can be brothers. And Elijah Wood's like, oh, neat. And he puts it on. And then they hold on the shot of the two. Two of them, their dead eyes staring at each other through these masks for way too long. And McCauley Culkin's just like, like staring deep into Elijah Wood's soul. It's really weird. It's fucking terrified.

I'd be like, listen, Dad, I've always wanted to see the world. I got two weeks off on vacation. So unless whatever you're doing over there is totally illegal, I would like to come see Tokyo with you. Just out of curiosity. what are your feelings about smuggling Faberger eggs? No real reason. No, you should just stay with your hand knuckle. Stay with your ear and knuckle.

You know, on second thought, forget I said any of that. You're too young to stretch that out yet. Oh, God. Hey, man, that's the world we live in. My favorite part about Elijah Wood is, and Elijah Wood's very good at this movie, but he's like really, he's kind of like a 50-year-old man. Man, the way he acts and reacts to things.

Like, his conversations, his conversations with Wendy Crewson is just like, just a couple of old friends having, like, a cup of coffee together. Like, he's eating breakfast the next morning, and they're just talking about her day or whatever. It's a weird kindred spirits thing. And I don't know if it's because, like, he's clearly looking to her as, like, you know, you're my mom now kind of a thing, which he literally confuses her for later on in the movie. But I think it's like, oh, if I just, you know, if I don't act like a. kid with her but I can be like a friend with her maybe we could go on a date like he kind of wants to date this well like we made this joke before on this show but like he kind of wants to date this lady he really wants to take her out for like a nice nantucket dinner it's weird the psychosexual

shit going on all over this movie is very bizarre not unlike it Ian McEwen book but very bizarre like the stuff with a little girl is really weird it's like what the fuck you do with my girlfriend it's like well cousin it's weird when McCauley Calkins like you like look at My sister? Yeah, you're looking at my sister, right? And I'm like, all right, this is weird twofold because it's weird that the characters in this movie are doing this, but it's also weird that he's literally saying this about his own sister in the movie. Because Quinn Culkin, I mean, she acted in nothing else really but this movie, which by the way, so you got McCauley Culkin, the biggest star in the universe. You got this girl playing the sister. You got Rory who gets an on-screen credit for his face being in a photograph. these parents were monsters right oh yeah they were like money thieving monsters like hey uh i noticed your scripts got a fucking little girl

character you know what i got a couple of little girls for you you might want to try out well no they demanded that she's in this movie oh really yeah i was i was reading about it he was like packaged deal you got you got mcculley you got a little girl character huh that's kit culkin guess what he's kit calkin the dad is a failed actor named kit culkin oh man that's like a david haselhoff

character. And you know if Hollywood didn't pan out, we're going to Japan. We have a deal. Man, I wish fucking Michael and Dina Lohan went to Japan and fucking never came back with that family. You had both your kidneys, right? Why? No reason. We're just going to Japan.

Get ready for Japan. After they're burnt out doing the Japanese whatever movies, we'll harvest them right. Only God forgives. Then they go to fucking Bangkok next. It's a real tour of depravedity.

Oh, man. That's an amazing movie. Yes, but I was Omanning Bangkok. You can't bring kids to Bangkok. You should be able to. Yeah, you should get them taken away by, like, the U.S. government should fly. We'll hold these at the embassy until you're ready to go home. Or it's literally like being at a bar.

The second you let go of that kid's hands, I wouldn't pick them back up again. Like, you don't know what's happened. so this movie is pretty much a series of like well for a while anyway this movie is a series of McCauley Culkin doing weird and horrible things and Elijah Wood just watching and not saying anything it's yeah exactly like it's

they're fast friends like he gives him a terrifying mask and Elijah was like oh boy terror and it escalates and escalates and escalates and it takes a little while it's kind of weird because like obviously I know the trailer I know that this kid's evil but it would take a really long time be like is he isn't he not like of course he is it starts with like some little things like they

climb up to the ricketyest tree house i've ever seen by the way now is this a treehouse that that father is building and it's like and then okay and now guess what the i know it's extremely high but now the ladder is going to turn around like it's spiraling the tree it's like and it might be just an old like hunter's nest or something it doesn't seem like this was designed for children. It's a death trap. It's 60 feet up and nobody's, you just go up that

tree house, nobody gives a flying fuck where their kids are because they're all just sitting down drinking coffee wearing sweaters this whole fucking movie. They have the cliffs of this. The cliffs of insanity are on the property as well. It's literally the tallest point

I've ever seen. That cliff, that cliff is, wow. It's really intense. There's still coming back. It redefined. find cliffs for me and this is coming as it from a kid who grew up with a cliff in the backyard my backyard was a cliff and i've never seen a cliff like this it's a really steep cliff it's kind of like uh what i would imagine like the mariana trench looks like if you took all the water

out of the ocean just a fucking drop to hell and every day this mother who lost her kid goes out there looks out and is like not today it just goes right back in all black and stands near a dead tree like a fucking po poem it's horrifying speaking of horrifying

and all that now her wardrobe throughout this movie this like early 90s mom fashion she looks like a nun by LLB or something yeah moms had it really bad in the 90s she's got the longest skirt of

ever seen it's the longest sweaters it's a bad it's a bad scene she kind of looks she's got the haircut of E.T's mom yeah whatever that lady was I can't remember her name E Wallace yes thank you she got a little bit of a D Wallace thing going on but yeah she just looks like

an LB Nunn is a perfect way to put it yeah so that we're going up this action movie like this bird's nest yeah yeah Sylvester Stallone's hanging off of it I really think, you're right, though, Eric, that it might be like an old, like, hunters, you know, perch or something like that. Yeah, to, like, shoot the deer.

Because there's no real, like, roof to it or anything. It's just a bunch of boards, like, stuck up in a tree. And, of course, one of the boards breaks, and Elijah Wood falls, and McCulloughman catches him. And this is the first of many appearances of little person stuntmen who worked their hearts off for this movie. And, you know, this movie alone made their whole. calendar. Oh, yeah. Like every picture from the little person

stunt people's association calendar for 1993 was like stills from this movie. And McCoy Cogan's line here, it's like Clarence Boddicker Jr. Think you could fly, Bobby? And that's like, that's a big trailer line too.

It's like, if I let you go. It's also, you could also say it like Keanu Reeves, right? Like, if I let you go, do you think you could fly? You can also

It's a terrible line But it's the one you see common And you're like Oh man And this is their first interaction Elijah was like That was weird He pulls them up

And then they just have a big old Larf about it And you're like what That's horrifying I would be like All right Not hanging out with this kid anymore That's fucked up

Well I don't want to lose The Little Person Stutman thing Just because I imagine Like a Matt Damon Little person And a Ben Affuck little person Writing their own scripts to get, like, it's like a little kid action movie?

Just to get the best parts, the best parts. But it turns out it was the writer of atonement. Who, who in fact may be two little people on top of each other. Ian McEwen is a collection of little people. It's Ian and McEwen. Those are first names. They're just in a, you only see

Ian McEwen do interviews in a huge trench coat. Yeah. He is a really hard time sitting down on TV shows. Every 10 years, they swap faces. I get to be on top now Two Brits named Ian and McEwen

I really That exists right That's a Brit thing I mean we're just throwing out HBO shows left and right If you want to write any of them Go right ahead But yes

Everyone in this fucking country likes to get on a high horse About juvenile Juvenile obesity And juvenile diabetes This and that The other thing If Elijah Wood's a fat kid

He's not having any of this Because he's just like You know what I'm just going to go, if it was me, a little fact, I would have, I would have been like, you know, I'm just going to go house a fucking bag of Doritos and watch the Hogan family all day, all right? You go out and enjoy your fucking, your creepy shed and you're killing your dogs and whatever else, weird cousin. I'm just drinking too much soda. Yeah, one day out with this weird cousin, I'm an indoor kid for the rest of the time. Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a two-liter bottle of surge and the Disney Channel.

I'll be inside. It's only two weeks. My dad's going to be back before I know. Yeah, exactly. I think Uncle Fun killing things. Uncle Buck is on right now. You look a lot like that kid,

but you can go out and kill somebody because I'm just watching Uncle Buck right now. Oh, I'm sorry, I'd come out. It's my favorite party's trying to get in the house. Hot Tetraud is on right now, so you could go and enjoy it. Speaking of health concerns we cared about in the 90s, there's a really great anti-smoking thing in this movie

where McCulley Culkin, of course, because not only is he like killing animals and threatening to drop people from tree houses, he's smoking cigarettes. Oh, what a bad kid. And he's like, hey, Elijah Wood, you want a cigarette? And he's like, uh, no, turning to the camera, they give you cancer. By the way, to further emphasize that, he keeps his cigarettes in a graveyard. Well, this kid, McCulley Culkin. is the envy of all the little Jeff Dahmer's

and all the little John Wayne Gasey's got access to a cliff he's got some fields he's got a graveyard he's got a fucking bottomless well yeah he's got the well from the ring which is also in a terrifying cemetery you should never let those two things meet a cemetery in a terrifying well yeah don't drink that water

but also we're kind of making up a new little great show here it's like the Muppet babies but with serial killers. You got Macaulay Culkin, you got Jeff Donner, little Jeff Dahmer, yeah, John Gacy, you know. Little John Casey keeps getting into the face paint.

Class clown. Teddy Bundy, he's the lady killer. He's looking up people's skirts. Yeah, yeah, putting pigtails and inkwells. Oh, Jeffie Dahmer. He loves stuffing stuff into this fridge.

We got him this toy fridge, and he won't stop. playing with it he locked lewis in there last week uh see now we're running it we need now we need the guy that has the encyclopedia yeah exactly help help fill out the rest of the cast you could have a pretty loaded cast i bet yeah there's a lot baby b tk a little kid that was like john carroll lynch he's the zodiac no and then it would just be and john carroll lynch as the zodiac And it's 50-year-old John Carroll Lynch.

Principal Zodiac. Oh, yeah. That would be awesome. It would be a good show. You're welcome. Adult swim, probably. And so, yeah, like, he's just, the well he's got, like, he's got bullets for this gun that he's built.

He built his own quick correction. He's got rusty, huge. huge screws for a gun that he's built in his bolt gun thing in his fucking terror shed which the mother doesn't deem to go into until the end of the movie guess what you got to your property check in on it from time to time you know what uh here's a it's one word padlock figure it out here's another word parenting padlock parenting the beginning of every morning she makes them breakfast is like well enjoy the rest of your day talk to you soon there's a scene where they're having lunch and she's just like so what are you two doing

with the rest of your day i'm like you should be telling them because they're fucking nine years old one of the problems is they have an impossible house it's a movie yeah because at one point to to screw with i mean getting a little head of ourselves here but mcculley colkin says that elijah wood wants to stay in richard's room the dead the dead son's room yes and the parents are like, oh, I don't, like, oh, I don't know. You know what? You know what? If you want your own room, you could stay on one of the rooms on the third floor.

Wait, wait. Third floor, multiple rooms. The third floor? It's scary up there. Don't worry, Fuller is going to be. Oh, wrong, McCullocholink movie. I'm sorry. But why, why are all these kids sleeping, like, in the same room when you have over three stories on your house?

This is an insanely huge house. The problem is sometimes Ian and McEwen get two different ideas of what a house looks like, and it gets all jumbled up in the script. And, you know, looking at the house when they're filming, it doesn't look especially large, but apparently it's a labyrinth. I mean, it's not like Casper's mansion, but it's, you know. It's like a big New England house. Yeah, yeah. And the best thing about it is it's this awkward conversation where McCulloughkellickle Culkin, like McCulloughan killed this other kid and he loves poke at his mom about it. So he's like, maybe he should stay in Richard's room.

And the mother starts to, like, cry a bit. And the dad is just ganging up on her. Like, well, yeah. I mean, you can't turn it into a museum. And someday, we need to take all those toys and throw them in the garbage. Haven't you forgot about young Richard yet? It's been a year. Four-year-old kid, dad.

I mean, we've almost spent as much time without him, but it's with him. So let's move it along. What I love is, like, he, not only does he do all this, like, sinister, like, physical shit like killing things and whatnot but yeah he plays these head games another creepy example of that is when they're in the cemetery by the ring well and they're waiting for samara to pop out and kill them because they watched the video but uh he's like he's like um hey so um yeah you know my my brother died and he's like oh yeah i'm sorry to hear about that you know my my mom just died and he's like did they let you see your

mom when she died and he's like no i wanted to but they wouldn't let me and he's like yeah i really like science so you know i would have demanded they let me see her because when i saw my brother drown in the bathtub he was blue and cold was your mom cold or was she warm and elijah wood's like two weeks huh you know i didn't bring me to fucking tokyo for two weeks oh it's uh it's tjaf tonight to you later weird cousin oh i think that surge is ice cold by now what's that NBA jams getting fired up that's the thing's all you have to do is park yourself in front of the television and whenever he bothers you just yell knock it off exactly you're a kid you just like act like the bigger kid and if you're just sitting there like near that clueless dad you know like just

in the vicinity you're fine just ride it out he's not going to drag you outside and make you do stuff. So yeah, just just sit inside. There's probably an endless amount of VHS tapes in that house. Just work your way through it. And before you know it, David Morris is going to be home. With a million dollars and a lot of blood on his clothes. A million dollars

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So they've got this bolt gun, right? It's a bolt crossbow. It's like an American gladiator thing. You know, it's a, it's from assault remember assault when you'd have to go around and like one of the different stations had this bolt gun but instead of a tennis ball it's a fucking rusty nail and of course they have to be rusty too

isn't that just a disgusting detail and he's like oh I'm going to shoot it at this cat and Elijah Wood's like yeah but just only scare it again just he's trying to kill you know I don't know if anyone else in this room has had to talk to a therapist as a young kid but the first

thing they ask is are you hurting any animal And you just know... And by the way, don't stall. Yeah. You got to say, it's got to be a quick no. It's got to be a quick no. It's just got to be... Nope.

Do bugs count? Okay. Do mammals count? Oh, in the little serial killer TV show we've got, little critters, we'll call them. There's like a clueless guidance counselor, just a hippie-dippy, Dippy, like, you know.

You just recycle the teacher from Beavis and Butthead. Exactly. And you just, you plant him in there. You guys are always in my office, mm-K. So he, he almost kills this cat. And, you know, he has this, I missed kind of thing. It was like, that's funny. It's a really fucked up, like, uh, like the, the, the bolt, like, goes into a tree, like,

and like a bunch of sawdust flies out of it. And he's like, oh, you scared him good. And then, like, the camera very deliberately, like, gets right up in McCauley Culkin's face. And he's like, the sight's still off. And you're like, I get it. He's evil. Another great moment of evil is McColley Culkin brings Elijah Wood to this run-down old, like, warehouse. And they're just hucking rocks and breaking the glass.

And then there's doing this for, like, you know, a couple of walls. There's knocking this shit out. And then all of a sudden some guys like, oh, God damn it! where was that dude they have way too much time to break this glass you think it's abandoned but then when you see that guy go oh god damn it there's like 50 guys

behind him like doing work it's an actual running warehouse I guess everyone's wearing headphones or something that's where we make the Nantucket Nectar I couldn't hear you over the sound of grinding

peaches era oh no it's one of them evil kids again. Oh, crap, it's the good son. He's known as the good son. Watch out.

It's the little critters. Come to assassinate me at my juice factory. Oh, that'd be great.

And then Fred Gwyn comes up and he goes, oh, no, a little boy, and he runs away, and then somebody cuts the back of his ankle. Oh, cuts that

Achilles tendon. Oh, that's the worst in that movie. Little critters love cutting. Hey, can we talk about the

ghost sighting in this movie there's an out and out ghost sighting yeah this is a great one it's like Elijah Wood wakes up and you know he like goes out in the hallway or what he's like going to the bathroom or something and he sees what we all clearly know to be the mother because this is not a movie

where the paranormal exists whatsoever yeah that's kind of established really early on you just know that there's nothing paranormal about this kid it's not even implied at all yeah it's not it's not a damian thing whatsoever like he's just a sociopath natural which is almost more terrifying

because that's like a real thing but it's ridiculous the way the movie does it again terrible filmmaking but it's the mother and she's walking downstairs and he's like mom mom and you're just following this woman walk down the stairs but they just refuse

to tilt up a little bit so you can see her head and she's just walking in like this wispy nightgown because she's an LLB nun and you're like it's it's McCauley Calkin's mother Can we just please get to that so we can get on with the movie? And he's like following her down the stairs. And he's like, Mom, you came back to me.

I knew you would, just like you said. And then she turns around. It's revealed that it's her. And she's like, oh, Elijah Wood, you know, come on now. Your mom's not here. You know, it's aunt whatever. And he's like, looking her dead in the eyes. Like, I knew you'd come back to me.

And she's like, yeah. When's David Morris getting back from Tokyo? This sucks. It reminded me of a scene It's not one of my favorite movies It's an awesome The Gate When the Johnny Depp movie

No When it's Oh I'm thinking of the ninth gate Sorry The Steven Dwarf kid movie And like you know A bunch of crazy shit's going on I'm not gonna get into the whole thing

But one of these kids Is sleeping over at the Gates house And he sees his mother Who's dead And she's like Tommy come down to me And they comes down And he's like

Oh my God mom you're back And he's like Dancing with his mother and then somebody's like, Tommy, what the hell are you doing? And it turns into a dead dog. It's like a dead dog moment. He's like, oh, oh, oh. That's humiliating.

It's a great supernatural prank. There's a great way that this scene with him and the mother ends too, because she's explaining like, you know, your mother's always alive. If you remember her, you know, she's alive in you. And Elijah Wood, taking a note from the good son himself, just goes, and in you. And I was like,

Ew. Oh, Elijah Wood. Now, you're making my skin crawl. All these little critters. It's 2 p.m. It's 2 p.m. in Japan. Maybe dad, we can get dad on the phone. You know what, let's call dad.

Let's hurry this up a bit. Dad does call once, and Elijah Wood, I mean, and McColley Colkin just like doesn't get Elijah Wood to get to the phone. Here's, here's my tip for David Morris in this movie. ask to speak to an adult twice this happens he calls the first time is McCauley Culkin and he's like oh hey there McCauley Culkin

is Elijah Wood around and he's like looking out the window like no he's not here and he's watching Elijah Wood play with the sister and he's like okay well could you tell him I called it's like no ask to speak to your brother or your sister-in-law regardless of whether or not this kid's the good son or a little critter or whatever like talk to an adult

And then it happens again when Elijah Wood calls him. He's like, oh, what? What's happening? And he's like, oh, McCulley Culkin's really evil. And he's doing a bunch of twisted shit. And he's like, maybe you should go talk to your doctor. Tell you know what? Go to your doctor and tell her what you told me. Bye.

Listen, I'm down to my ring finger here. And these guys are playing hardball. It's going to be another couple of weeks. The psychiatrist is a totally useless thread. It's so useless. but it also exemplifies another instance of like, again, I get it. It's Nantucket. It's small.

But they're making this kid go to the psychiatrist by himself the first time we see her. They mean like in a park like it's fucking, I don't know, the conversation. Yeah, exactly. Totally like he moves a newspaper to the right and she puts down a cold cup of coffee. Eight year old kid. She comes up and he goes, she says, your aunt told me that I could find you here. What the fuck are you talking about? That is a secret agent code.

Your aunt told me you could find me here. The weather is cold this time of year. If I go to a, you know, I'm a therapist and like, oh, you know, I got a kid for two weeks because his dad's dude, God knows what. You know, I'm tasked with this kid's mother just died and I go to the caretaker. They're like, I don't know. He's in the park or something. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me, lady? Yeah, you know what?

Maybe you should just stay at social services. For a while. Exactly. A good SS friends. There's another instance of this later in the movie where McCauley Culkin throws his fucking sister onto thin ice and she goes under the water and she's in the hospital. We'll get to that scene later. But when she's in the hospital, McCauley Culkin goes in and he's trying to put a pillow over her face and then Not Dee Wallace turns the light on and she's like, what are you doing here?

And they have like a little conversation and then the mother fucking says to him, okay well I'll see you back at the house I was like what no you're driving him in presumably the station wagon you own back to your house all right McColley here's my keys I'm don't ding it up I mean yeah exactly

they live in the middle of nowhere they're surrounded by cliffs there's no way to get to this place without a car or a long walk through a graveyard I just took oh I'll see you at the house that's something you say to your fucking 20 year old kid after you have dinner with them

and you took separate cars because your 20-year-old kid was coming from work and met you at the restaurant. Not when your 10-year-old kid went to the hospital with you and you told him to go home by himself. And also, you've got one kid in the grave,

the other in a coma, and you're sending the third one off just to go home. You fucking hang on to that last kid like nothing's left. That's what you do because you know what? Your record's pretty spotty

with holding on the kids. You now have one and a half children. Well, well, there's the girl too, right? That's what I'm talking about. She's in a coma and FYI doesn't come back to the movie after that. You're right. That's the half. Can we talk about my favorite part of Evel? Please.

This is actually my favorite part of the whole movie. It makes it a classic movie. And that's the gag called Mr. Highway. Oh, this is what you remember from this movie, isn't it? Oh, yeah. So McCulley-Colkin has this dummy that he creates. In his creepshed.

Yeah, his creepshed. His un- is unmanned, unwatched creepshed. Yeah, he gives it like this, you know, he gives it like a fake little human face, a hat he puts on, he puts clothes on it, the whole thing. And then he has him and Elijah Wood, drag it, presumably at least a mile, in the middle of nowhere. And Elijah Wood doesn't know what this is for, he just goes along with it. And the day before McCulley Culkin did kill the dog, which is kind of a forgetful scene when he just kills a dog. But, like, that has happened, and he's like, that was weird.

And he's like, hey, you want to bring my friend. and Mr. Highway around? He's like, sure. This is honestly all on you, Elijah Wood at this point, because you don't know when to say, I'm going to stay inside and drink surge. You don't.

Space Jam is on. I am fucking positive of it. So he's dragging, he's dragging this mannequin. Yeah, and they get to, it's like, they get to, they get to a small road

that has a bridge over a highway. And the whole gag is they're going to, McCullochin wants to throw, this dummy over onto the highway to cause an accident. Yes. And that's what they do. He's also doing some weird shit where he's like, poor Mr. Highway, he just can't go on anymore.

And I'm like, all right. So this kid knows like what suicide is. That's weird. And Elijah Wood's just like, what are you up to? And he's just like sitting on the perch and he chucks him and he's like, oh, and causes the biggest car accident in movie history. This is like body parts level of car accident. It's a great car accident.

I couldn't believe it. There's so many cars, so many cars just piling up. Man, I think everyone in the highway must have been chasing the Blues brothers. Because there's no other explanation. It's true. And it starts out with a Winnebago tipping over. Yeah, because those are the guys, those are the, we're the good old boys. It's the good old boys.

He's like, oh, poor Mr. Highway, Chuck. That's when Charles Napier Playing one of the good old boys is like Oh, this goddamn My footstock They must have sprayed something on this Then they start crashing And the fucking Illinois Nazis go flying

John Candy and all his orange whips are all over the road Yeah, there was a blue station wagon There were definitely Illinois Nazis a foot Yeah, there's a mall just five feet away From this overpass That they go into it's been devastated the pier one imports there is just in ruins i didn't know you could fit that many cars onto nantucket i didn't know it could be done it's it's a 10 car pile up the news report says a 10

car pile like if you're the 10th car and the 10th car pile up you lose your license yeah exactly you have to lose your license like you see what's going on and you veer off the road i just heard a thing uh the other day on the news that up in yonkers there was like a 20 car pile up how do you have that oh my god how fast is everyone going i mean that's the way we drive in new york man everybody's got to get somewhere i didn't know the blues brothers were at 10 yeah dude you didn't hear it you can hear it it's oh i guess cars must be crashing in hearing that song but and this is another thing uh where i'm like there has to be a witness of some kind like two kids yeah this is what this movie is lacking is like there needs to be

be like that sheriff's deputy that's like now wait a minute and he's kind of onto them and then McCauley Culkin fucking lynches him or something like you need that you need that character who's like just about to uncover him and then he pushes him off the cliff there is no hiding this like they definitely the people

would have definitely saw three people up there in addition to well you know with the dummy you know including the dummy or you dust the dummy for print you see a little hand prints like well it's a fucking kid and they've been they've been kind of pretty good at trying clean up their evil because when they do kill the dog yeah they they shoot it with that rusty nail

they actually go now that actually no no take that back this is a terrible idea because it's down at like the docks or the pier or something where they shoot this dog and they physically go down there and collect the corpse of the dog and now I understand like we got to get rid of the body to show that there's not this crazy rusty nail in it or whatever but you're seeing these two kids like dragging this dead dog like a dead dog it's a dead something in a bloody potato sack that they sacrifice to Tamara the ring girl or what you know like yeah they throw it down there she's like thank you

and it's like yeah there's got to be someone in that cemetery someone on the road who's like oh those kids are carrying a bloody sack let's maybe ask them what's going don't leave them alone it's just the good son I could have really used a creepy groundskeeper for this cemetery being like, oh, I'm digging one for you soon, McCauley. You keep up your evil ways. You need that character that's not, like, because no one in this movie sides with Elijah Wood at all. They think he's crazy.

McCulley Culkin uses his mind games on everybody to spin it so it looks like Elijah Wood's the one doing all this crazy shit that he says McCulley Culkin's doing. But you need that one adult character, whether it's a cop, whether it's the cemetery groundskeeper anyone who's like no no i have the real truth and then he gets his fucking throat cut you know who should play that ernie hudson just because just because well it kind of reminds me of uh his mentally challenged hand that rocks the cradle character who knows something's wrong with rebecca de bourne and then she calls him a retard and gets him fired he knows there's something wrong he just doesn't know how

to express himself it's true I just realized basically we're arguing that this movie needs to have one adult take interest in these children. Yeah, pretty much that's what I'm saying. Yeah. The next scene, we're going out for the night. Talk to you later, kids. Oh, I can't believe this. Oh, I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. Watch my kid. I don't care what you do with your kids. What are you, 10? 11. Hey, why don't you babysit yourselves tonight, huh? Here's the key to the liquor cabinet. They're having dinner and the dad's like, so you boys up for playing babysitter tonight?

And I'm like, this can't be happening. You're just joking around, right? You're going to call again, where's like the 16-year-old girl comes over, brings her boyfriend, Chad. He's on the football team. They're making out McCulloch and kills him both. Yeah, I mean, I would love to see Chad versus... Like, Mom, they were making out in the car,

but they had the gas on for some reason. And now they both fell asleep forever. He gets into some home alone type pranks to these two. That kid, Kevin McAllister isn't that far from the girl. good son. No, not at all. He's not. And McCallie Culkin in this movie totally does the Kevin McAllister, like, two eyebrows up thing. I was like, well, wait, not going to look at those movies the same again. Because he, Kevin McAllister is like a George Zimmerman type, like a twisted little sociopath that's just looking for the best possible chance for a justifiable homicide.

You know what I mean? Like, it's like, oh, it's on now. Like that's, that's fucking Kevin McAllister. Don't call the police. No, no, no. It's on now. Yeah, he's a real Napoleonic piece of shit. Because like if the violence in those Home Alone movies were treated with with real more realistically like he's throwing goddamn bricks in people's faces. The wet bandits

are wet from blood. They're wet with all their blood and fucking brain juice. Yeah. No, yeah. They corpses man. Every once in a while like around the holidays those articles come back around where like they got someone to say like

the injuries that the web bandits would actually sustain in those movies. That's pretty fucking great. Daniel Stern would have been dead first, I believe, if I'm remembering that right. The weirdest part about Home Alone is at the end when Joe Pesci threatens to bite off all of McCulley Culkin's fingers. I'm just going to bite off your fingers. Yeah, it's weird. He's going to eat that kid. Look a witch.

When did you turn into a fucking witch? Well, it's about the same time that his head caught on fire. And instead of using words, he just goes, I think that's a spell that he's casting in that movie. He's like a grown-up Miko Hughes. If Joe Pesci's chest opened up in that movie and he, like, a dragon came out and the Joe Pesci's skin suit just flopped to the ground, wouldn't have shocked me. He's very evil in that movie. He is very evil in that movie.

So let's go out, you know, it's fucking the beginning of Peter Pan for something. reason and nana the dog is watching everybody no she's not because nana the dog got a rusty bolt in her fucking skull she's at the bottom of a well so this is what the weird psychosexual game with the sister starts happening oh yeah where it's like you're watching my sister she's sweet it'd be a shame if something happened to her and it's like let's play hide and seek and they're like both looking for their girlfriend it's really uncomfortable it's like it's a little girl like i i yeah Yeah. Ian and McHughan, no thank you. But it's fucked up, though.

Like, he turns off, like, he cuts the power to the house. Yeah. He's like, we're going to do this in the dark. And they're like walking around this huge impossible house. Oh, man, Hogan's family was on. Yes. I got all these, I got all these Taco Bell style Dorino chips here that they don't make any more, but we're fucking delicious. I'm not done mixing my grape and orange soda.

Fuck. How's Urkel going to get? out of that mess he was in. Now I'll never know. You're making me hunt down your sister. Yeah, if you want to play hide and seek fine. I'm just fucking, I got my game boy. I know that I have a game boy. Enjoy it. Yep. You have that game boy. You got

Dr. Mario and Universe Killer ready to play. Or something happened to that game boy. Maybe it broke or something or on the, on the giant car ride over. Just ran out of batteries. And Dave Morris was just like, I'll get this fixed in Japan.

I'll take it to Japan with me. I'll get it repaired at the source It'll probably be cheaper So you can't bomb out the universe man And this is the beginning of the I'm going to hurt my sister that you love so much Right Not if I heard her first

So this is when Then the next day Like you know he stays He's like You can't watch her all night And Elijah Wood does watch her all night Because heaven the fuck forbid Lord knows what time these parents are coming home

It's like the middle of the night I don't think they came home that night I think they got a room somewhere. They went to the mainland, the fucking hojo on the mainland, got down to some fucking, way from these kids. They're not, they don't even to get away from the kids to get down to some fucking, I'm sure. Well, they got that impossible house, so there's probably a bunch of hidden sex rooms in it and whatnot. I find it surprising she would ever take off that uniform of hers. That habit?

Yeah. No, no, no. Keep it on. Don't worry. I was planning on doing that. By the way, the father of this movie is always dressed like Mark Summers hosting Unwrapped on the Food Channel. I don't know much about raising my kids, but I can tell you what's in a Snickers bar. I have seen the inside of a Hershey's factory on television.

Better go wash my hands. And the next day, because they've been watching their kids for maybe 90 minutes in the morning. And it's just like, Elijah Wood wakes up and he's like, oh. You know, where's, where are the Culkins? And she's like, oh, they went ice skating. And it's this busy ice skate. It's a frozen river, A, and B, everyone is on it. And it's like, nobody gives a flying fuck what these kids are doing.

Nobody cares. And it's like, what I found hilarious was he runs through like four separate hockey games on this pond. But it's just like the same stock footage of Elijah Wood pushing through people. But it makes it look like 40 people are playing hockey at once. and they don't notice No one notices until it's way too late This kid swing his sister Like he launches her

Through like the caution tape And onto the shallow ice This little person stunt man goes right in the water And you know She's like stuck under the ice And McCulley Culkin does the weird Like he crawls out there To make it look like he's trying to help

But only just puts his arm out so far And then he's like You gotta come to me And she's just like drowning And he's watching her fucking go Yeah he's like rose at the end of Titanic Like just got his hands on his knuckles That looks painful

Oh, they were so romantic It really was Wasn't that beautiful Gee, you look cold Not saying anything, huh? No room on this suitcase for you It was like a fucking door It's enormous

And all she needs to do is move over a little bit And there's room to up for two The thing is in that movie The underlining thing is Now Rose is from the upper class And he's from the lower class so therefore he dies just so she can put her feet up yeah just just really be comfortable just like billy zane at the end it's just capitalism man hey um so not only by the way is it

like your kids just are out somewhere you already lost a child to drowning yep yeah you let them go ice skating on a pond where there could be more drowning like come on etes mom and come on Mark Summers. You already got the sweater on. Go the fuck out there and watch your kids. That's the thing. They're not even busy. They're just fucking prattling around the house. They're just home. They're not doing anything. Sorry, I've got to go walk around

my three, four-story mansions. Sorry, I'd go ice skating with you, but I want to see if Erkel gets out of this jam. You sure there's a lot of good TV on. All right. Talk to you later. And, yeah, I mean, it takes forever for adults with axes to show up

and cut this little girl out, and that's what She goes into a coma, and Elijah Wood, I guess, walks to the hospital, I'm sorry, McCauley walks to the hospital and walks back. Yep, just because that's how we do it in this movie. And then they have the conversation where Elijah Wood's like, you know, I know all this sinister shit that you're doing, you know. And McCauley Culkin's like, it's the old like, well, who's going to believe you? I could just say that you did it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the beginning of my favorite series of events of this movie is proving Elijah Wood is crazy. and he wakes up in the middle of the night one night

and he goes downstairs and, like, McCulley Culkin's standing next to the refrigerator and is like, hey, you want a snack? Go eat something. He's like, what do you do to the food? He's like, you think I'd poison my whole family? Good night. And nothing looks crazier

than when adults wake up and find a kid throwing all of the food into the garbage disposal. You look like a real loony tune when that happened. So feverishly trying to get that whole refrigerator down there. He's got a whole turkey in the fucking thing. He's using like a huge stock of celery to plunge more food into it. And I'm like, you know, all you really have to do is throw this in the garbage. Yep.

Because once something's in a garbage bag, I'm not taking it back out and putting it in the refrigerator. Just put it with the garbage. Yeah. You don't have to clog this fucking garbage disposal. Take the garbage bag and throw it down the well. exactly that's where you put all the evidence and this is when Mark Summers starts to get real fucking tough

with this kid he's sick and tired of it he hasn't done jack shit but he's sick and tired of it anyway he just like he launches this kid dude who's like go to bed god damn it but when they have that conversation of the tree house by the way is the infamous line in this movie where McCauley Culkin tells Elijah Wood don't fuck with me and this line always

stays with me because I had this movie taped off of a Fox broadcast. Nice. Had it on VHS. You know, I've seen it a bunch of times. And it was the greatest example of poor vocal casting choices while getting someone to dub over a line. So here's McCauley Calkin with his like McCauley Calkin voice.

And he goes to say the line. And instead of fuck, they put in fool, but they clearly just hired a deep voiced man. So the broadcast is like, don't fool with me. And it was like the most obvious thing. It's just, I'll never forget it. I was like, how does someone make that choice when you're hiring people to do this? Like, just get a kid to come in and say, fool. Record your own kid saying it and bring it into work the next day.

And Keith David as McCulley Colton. Dude, it sounded like Keith David. Unbelievable. Now, that's the line that, you know, pops people talk about. Now, the best line is a little hidden in that scene. And that's when McColley Colkin tells Elijah Wood, your mom is maggot. food. Yeah, it's a good burn.

Sick burn. And it's true, too. Well, this is around the time, this whole conversation is when Elijah Wood, who is truly crazy, it's like, your mom is just the reincarnation of my mom, and she wanted to be with me. And, you know, she just wanted to find a way, and she's using your mom as a vessel. And McCulley Culkin, who's killed three dogs, and it fucking drowned his kid, brother's like, you're fucking nuts, dude.

He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm supposed to be the fucking crazy kid in this movie but that's messed up he's like he's like your mom's she's my mom now and he's like uh-huh you know maybe i'll go see if erkel gets out of that jam i don't want to hang out with you what's that dad the surge is cold be right in yeah so it's it's your classic psychological thriller thing like he flips the table so everyone in the movie thinks that Elijah Wood is crazy Elijah Wood goes to the mom he's like Hey by the way I'm pretty sure

McCulley Culkin killed that other kid And she fucking slaps him across the face Everyone's fucking rough house And David Morris's poor kid in this movie It's like oh yeah You're here with this for two weeks You're in abuse territory by the way The dad's just grabbing him by the scruff of the neck

The mom's fucking Punching him in the teeth What a fucked up family man Oh my God You drop your kid off like right after his mother died It's like, well, you know, whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. If you want your kid to be real strong when you get back from Japan, leave a special episode of unwrapped. Mark Summers' child boot camp.

Yeah. It's like, well, you know, I got this great, to get this sweet deal in Japan. I guess my brother's family's hanging on by a threat, I'll leave them with them. They're barely getting on after that death. Welcome back to Mark Summers Hunger Games. Right here on the cooking channel or whatever the fuck. Okay, you're going to see if you can find the flag up the booger-filled nose while the flaming arrows are shooting at you. And here comes the newest contestant with filed down teeth.

A little shark kid. Man, a shark kid, that would be terrifying. This is where you could use a couple of shark kids. Hey, Elijah Wood, here I come. I'm going to bite you, Little fingers off. Played by Joe Pesci, of course. And of course, McCulley Cullin gets to the psychiatrist first, which is amazing.

This psychiatrist doesn't know when she's getting played. She's the worst. She looks a lot like B. Arthur there. She does look very B. Arthur-esque. That's accurate. But how terrible of a child psychiatrist are you that you're just sitting in. your little Nantucket child psychiatrist's office and this little kid comes in and he's like hey I've got some information about a patient of yours like you're a 70 year old train professional

you've been in this business for a while this isn't your first rodeo to be fair though it's Elijah Wood's fault because early on the movie when McCullochie Culkin is distributing uh is exhibiting uh evil traits Elijah Wood makes a classic therapy mistake he's like speak in the hypothetical about a kid he might know he's like yeah what let's say there was a kid that was doing all this bad stuff to people and hurting people

what do you think that would make him an evil kid and of course the therapist is like well I got a real fucking looney tune on my hands oh boy she's like licking her lips like oh boy it's my new book just walked into my office hey there a $60,000

advance and she's all like you know, I don't believe in evil because I'm a rational person who can see things from different points of views and stuff and Elijah Woods is like, you should believe in evil. You should. Because I've looked into the face

of evil and that evil is a boy. And he just walks away and it's like talking about himself, right? Yeah, yeah. He's just saying that he is evil, right? It's the old asking for a friend mistake. You can't do that to a therapist. They can see through that. You have to be like,

I know a kid. I'll give you Name his address where he lives, and I'll tell you about him. Is this okay or not? And he killed the dog. Just fucking tell people. You know, tell someone about the dog. Wouldn't that be? Bring up the homemade bolt gun.

How about Mr. Highway instead of just going, oh, he's, he's an evil boy. Oh, no, he's going to. And then always just escalating to human murder. Tell him about the other things. Yeah, just then work your way up to, oh, he also kills kids. This like vague theory about pure evil It's like you've got hard evidence Like you don't have an X file

You've got like a real case here It's the real thing You've got a shed with nothing but evidence Which the mother finally You know after the other kid gets into a coma It's just like maybe something's going on With McCauley here So she finally deems to go inside this shed

And finds the rubber ducky from the bathroom Here's the bullshit part about that, though. So she walks into this shed, and it doesn't come together for her until she finds this rubber ducky. She walks right by a doll that's hanging by a noose. Yes. That is all the evidence you've ever needed to put against a child. It's an effigy. Of a girl, I guess that's probably, you know.

It looks a lot like the little girl. Yes. It's not like, it's just like, oh, I tied a rope around her and hung her. Like, it's a fucking noose. It's a beautiful news. It's one of the most beautiful nooses I've ever seen. Andrew Jupin's beautiful nooses coming to the Continent Geo. Well, what you got here is classic Civil War news.

Oh, wow. You can tell by the nodding. It's worth probably $50,000. You see, the Confederates tied their knots differently. Everything you ever wanted to know about noosing. Oh, there's a prison noose. You could tell by the Greek. stain. And the fact that it's just

an extension cord. A bunch of shoelaces is tied together it is. Yeah, it's one of the inside the prison news is, not one of the professional execution newses. And she's like, oh my God, there's a rubber ducky, and there's just like, the bolt gun is right there, this fucking

rusty fucking leather face of cars. It really, really is. There's probably like a Mr. Highway prototype. This is just, just like, this rubber duckie, my goodness it's like when uh when uh the the chick walks into the house in texas chainsaw and like all the living room furniture is made of bones and there's just a chicken hanging in a bird cage and she's like hmm better take a look around this house a little more pretty weird and she's like so oh my guy what have you done what have you done because he's got a trophy from the murder that's what that is yeah yeah you're right i know i mean i got my own

You got a whole case. Little critters. What's bullshit, though, is, like, he sneaks up behind her, and he's like, what are you doing in here? I would be like, well, it's my shed. I paid the mortgage on this house, and you're eight years old. So it's my shed, even though you keep all your killing trophies in here. I'd just be like, you know, I think I've been giving you a little too much latitude for a little while. Things are going to change around here, and this shed is now closed.

this is a crime scene so we're just going to step outside without touching anything more than we have that's right we'll be with you in a moment he's like uh mom don't you want to find out how Urkel gets out of that jam I think the surge is cold

come on this time they go on a walk instead they go on a nice nice country walk this woman is a fucking moron this is before this is when Elijah Wood in between Elijah Wood gets locked away by Mark Summers in a...

It gets caught in a real sticky situation. He gets locked into one of the offices... One of seven or eight offices and there's 650 room house. And the only way he can get out is slide down a giant tongue slide. It's got to get that big peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So, you know, it's the final thing in, like,

McCulley Culligan's like, my mother's wise to me. I'm going to fucking kill her. He's like, oh, no, you're not. And she's my mother, and he grabs scissors and has it at his throat. Oh, that's right. He said, come on, do it. The blood's going to spray across the room.

You ever see the red mist? It's fucking intense. It's probably what your dad's doing in Japan right now, by the way. A bunch of fucking swords and shit. And Mark Summers was like, holy shit. I should have been watching these kids. Let me put down this surge. They've put down the Sunday paper for a second.

What Mark Summer says when he sees the calorie count of that surge. Oh my God, unwrapped, I've just been destroying the world. My pee's all fucked up. His food is terrible. Quick detour, because all this talk about Mark Summers just drummed up a weird thing I remember watching. Any of you guys ever check out the Mark Summers Halloween special that Nickelodeon aired, where Mark Summers and a group of multi-ethnic children go up to a haunted house and a red Cadillac.

I vaguely remember this. Mark Summers vanishes in a phone booth and becomes a skeleton and it's all these kids just in this haunted mansion. Oh, my God. I'm like, what are you doing with all these kids? They're clearly not all yours. They can't be. I think I was watching this at my creepy cousin's house

while he wanted to go out and play in the yard. And I think, no, no, no, no, that's fine. I want to see if Summers comes back from being a skeleton. Also, the surge is cold. So he, again, like he is pissed off at this little knife-wielding Elijah Wood, right? So he chucks him in an office, and it's like the end of cuckoo's nest. Elijah Wood takes this huge chair and throws it through. A glass window and runs after McCulley Culkin and the mother who are on their walk.

They're on a walk, and they're going to go out to the cliff and just have a, A nice little conversation, even though she knows he's a murderer. Yeah, yeah. You already know that you, at very least, it's very, very suspecting that your child murdered your other child. Let's take it to the, let's take him to the most disastrous area. The most perilous landscape there is. And she's like, all right, I'm just going to ask you, play and playing. You kill your little brother.

Come on. You can tell me, I'm a mom. We're just rapping here. We're just having a good rap session. and he like he denies it at first and then she's like come on seriously you can tell me and it's actually a pretty creepy delivery

for McCauley's credit he goes so what if I did and I'm like that's just not what a parent ever wants to hear is it yeah so what if I did kill him now you just want to send me away yeah yeah then it turns to that

well no fucking shit well to her credit she's not like well fuck you and throw him right off like launch I'm like Lucy would launch the football. But she's like, you know, well, then we'll have to get your help. And, you know, a lot of people will help you out. We'll get through it together. You're going to send me away to one of those rooms, aren't you?

She's like, all right, I'll make you a deal. If you can get all the red flags out of this huge ice cream Sunday, you don't have to go away. But you only have 30 seconds, and if you don't get them all, it's off to the nut house. Put this helmet on and try and fill this cup all the way up to the line. And then go over, your dad's over there. and you got to pour it into your dad's cup. And if he spills more than the water line,

you go to the nut house. That's a great way to have people committed as they have to play Double Dare first. Well, it's a trick, too, because if they actually want to play Double Dare, they also need to go. And he shoves her off this clip, right? She just goes, oof, and goes off.

Well, it's amazing because he, like, He's like, you just want to send me away. And he runs away, like, towards the cliff. And she chases after him and gets to the cliff like, huh, that was easy. And then he's like, what, you thought I was going to jump off this cliff? And then he runs at her and does it. It's like, fucking so sinister. She goes right off.

And Elijah Woods, like, oh, fuck. And he runs to try and help her. And she's, like, hanging on by a thread. She gets, like, stuck on a branch or something. Like, some miracle happens. What I love, though, is. He throws, you know, he pulls the chief and rips the water fountain out of the floor and throws it through the window. And then Mark Summers comes in like, hey, what the fuck are you doing?

And he's called the psychiatrist. So it's like Mark Summers and this little old lady trying to rassel him out of the window. And then he like elbows the old lady or something and runs out the front door. In little critters, the old lady is played by the little old lady from Poultergeist. This child has a lot of problem. Oh, it's been a long time since I've seen. A child this evil, I'm going to have to get paid in advance for this. This rubber duck is the work of a mastermind sinless child.

By the way, you didn't notice that doll hanging by a noose when you walked in? You really are bad parents. Usually people know what's going on inside of a shit on their own problem. property but apparently he couldn't be bothered you usually you can't even see erkel get into a jam the television's usually all static you guys should get cable that would solve most your problem oh how long is it been i reckon the surge is cold by now solo ice skating huh that's pretty irresponsible i love it this world where everyone's waiting for Serge to cool?

Was this a problem in 1990s? They only sold hot surge in the 90s. It was only, you can buy it rip-roaring hot and then you had to

take it home and cool it off. Let me tell you something of the two beverages I miss most in this world, surge and ecto-cooler. R-I-P-D, both of those drinks.

Exor cooler was excellent. It really was. They both turned your peat green, that's for sure. Surge was just before its time. Because it was the super caffeine soda and the world wasn't ready for it yet.

Now we have that shit all the time. Diet Pepsi Max, there's more caffeine in it. I was watching American movie for the first time recently, and there's that C where they give that old man, search, like, oh, hey, grandpa, here's a new cola called Surge. And he's like, pretty good. Here's $80,000 to make a bad horror movie. Let me tell you, if there was ever a documentary

I kind of want to just talk about on a podcast, it's that one. Maybe we'll do it as a mini. Oh, God. Yeah, that could be an on screen. I was just doing so much acid, you know what I'm saying? And then I come over here and Grandpa Larry's just got all that surge. And I was like, hey, is the thurge cold yet or what? Mike, we're going to make Coven right now.

You're ruining Coven. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting in the Coven shot again? I'm just trying to get to the fridge to get some of that ice called Thurge, don't you know? Because if I do, if I don't drink surge, I'll drink beer. And that's just going to lead to a big old fat acid. flashback for me beer just leads to eth and it just doesn't every time god i love it i love it so much so when we last left to mcculley colkin he's hanging from a clip well actually no this is a good old

fashion little person stunt fight which is the best part this is what made the cover of the calendar was this fight scene it was just it is just little person against it's ian versus mckeon and they're just in a in a bare-knuckle boxing match just really going at it and there's a fucking bed wig on one of these kids. Oh, it's just the floppy top of a mop that they put on to make it McCulley Culkin's hairdo. And, you know, the mother is climbing up from the

cliff. Talk about Sylvester Stallone being in this movie, by the way. This is some cliffhanger shit. She's bare knuckle crawling up this flat wall. A helicopter crashes into the cliff and explodes. Everything happens. I mean, this fight is as funny as that

that Girl Scout fight in airplane, because they're just going at it. Like, you know, Like, if there was a broken bottle, they'd be like trying to stab each other with it. I mean, they're really just trying to take each other's life. Like, that's what's going on. It's amazing. And of course, they both roll over. And as the mom's now up on top.

And she's got one on one arm, one on the other. She's trying to save them both. But of course, McCullochin's like, give me your other hand, ma. Come on. Mom, I love you. Mom. Mom, I love you. Mom, come on, mom.

And she's like, you're just a phony little devil person. And then he goes down like Palpatine, man. It is just like all sorts of forest lightning, shooting back. What I love is it's kind of just the same scream he does when he puts the aftershave on his face. Can we hear it? That is. That tickles me the right way. It's awesome, too, because then we get a shot of his head splatter to go to a rock and just blood.

It's just Mr. Highway with a red sweater on. It's really intense because, like, we know he's dead. Like, I don't have that thing of, like, we're going to look down, like, at the end of Halloween, and he's gone. It's spiky rocks. He's not making it. It would be great if he was gone because I would set up little critters. Oh, my God. Where's Henry?

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I knew he was pure evil. evil personified. Yeah, now, speaking of psychiatrists who believe in evil, Dr. Loomis makes no sense. What a crazy coot. He is, I mean, all he does is talk about evil this and evil that and magic this and fucking goblin that. Like, you're a man of science.

I looked in these child's eyes, they were the devil's eyes. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, okay, you're off this case. I need, I need like an objective person right now. me, Dr. Loomis, but maybe something happened to this child in his developmental stages that made him, as you call evil. Yes, I would

use an informed guest to say that his mother was probably raped by the devil. Well, Dr. Loomis, what kind of medications do you have them on? Are you doing a lot of therapy? It's pure voodoo exorcisms at this time. I don't think

any modern first world medicines will be able to remedy this child. Give me 12 cc's of Holy Wastead. Do you, uh, excuse me, Sheriff, do you know where in this town of Haddon Field, I could find some wolf's bane at this late hour? No, I do not. We have a, we have a lot of Thorazine, uh, subsetives.

What about at that, uh, that quaint little hardware store we were just at earlier this afternoon? Well, in the back of it, you can get weed. There's some kid over there that sells it. You know that just might work. fucking mellow Michael out for a change you know what that's the thing

is I would like to see Michael Myers trying to kill all those people while high his shit Michael Myers all he needed was to bomb the universe

if only at home gaming existed at the time yeah oh honestly though if if Grand Theft Auto existed no Michael Myers

he's just he's just got like a girlfriend and you know he's just an internet troll then he's working nine to five he's still kind of like a little too

inappropriately attracted to his sister but nobody's perfect yeah exactly and Nico's just killing people it's fine uh I mean at the end of this movie it's my favorite thing in the world is when uh oh here comes a narrator you know just like out of nowhere and um you know Elijah Wood is just like on some other mountain somewhere else I think it's just David Morris picked him up and they drove back to the desert they're back at the desert you don't see the father whatsoever you don't see the trip You don't see any of the aftermath of whatever happened in Nantucket. Or in Tokyo either.

These are stories that need an epilogue of some kind of. I need to see David Morse with his eight fingers. I need to see it. Also, speaking to which, I mean, Elijah Woods, just like, I never asked Nancy whether or not, you know, if the situation was different, if she would let me fall. But I guess I never will. And it's like kind of like, ooh. That is, but I guess I never will is the worst. ending to a fucking middle school short story.

Yeah, it's a bad last one. But I guess I never will. And then my father said he made what he called a fat stack. I always wondered what he meant by that. I always meant to ask him, but I guess I never will. That's what it needed. Yeah. Fat stack.

Meanwhile, let's take this from another, another, the climax this movie from another angle. Sure. The father has no idea what's going on with this kid, right? He's busy figuring out what's in a Kit Kat bar. So he's doing absolutely not. He doesn't know that he's evil. I don't even think he knows his daughter's in a coma, to be quite honest. Didn't I have a daughter around here?

She's missing Urkel. Which story is she on? Seven. And your wife goes, and that you see Elijah would try and kill your fucking kid. That's why you rough them up. You got some loony to it in your house, right? And this, your wife goes out. she's already lost one kid she comes back and she's like oh yeah macaulay was evil and i threw him off a cliff sorry

this woman would be on every station of you this is the biggest new story of the year no this is what you need this is what has to have if i was in either position eliza would or the mother let's get our stories straight yes he just fell yeah and you know what honestly let's leave it at that mcculley colkin fell off this cliff it's terrible. Let's not even make it public that he killed Richard. You know, let's just move on with everything. Or you take that bolt gun and shoot

yourself in the arm and throw it down the clip. And it's just like make it look like a real showdown. See, now this is the pickle that movies like this find themselves in though, right? Because it's like, we've already been rotting through this movie for

87 minutes. And it feels like two and a half hours. Yeah. It's a really grueling movie. For that kind of thing to be popped in, that's another 15, possibly even 20 minutes. I'm sorry. Like this woman she lost her kid. Like that's you're going to jail and everyone

everyone on fucking gawker is fucking calling her name. That's almost three out of three. Yeah. She almost lost them all. Exactly. She's got, wow, you almost pitched a perfect game of killing children. You got going for the turkey.

you could probably tie her to the kid the coma too if you wanted to world's worst mother that's it yeah yeah and the and the dad would fucking prosecute her all the way because he didn't know like why would i trust some fucking kid that almost tried to cut my kid's throat and you know and butterfingers over there who killed my other kid and then the next thing i know you know they teamed up and now whoops my good son is dead i had one good son now he's dead do you think mark summers will tell the father when he gets back like I don't know I know you were in Tokyo making your fat stack

but I just want to let you know that your kid is cursed first your wife died and now my good son like the story doesn't let us know but presumably that daughter of mine she's a goner she's got a DNR

so we're just going to pull the plug on this she's never back of the movie no she doesn't come back she's on the hospital bed and it's also really unfair to Elijah Wood's character to not have any kind of vindication

usually in these movies it's like everyone got you weren't crazy he doesn't even really have a conversation with the aunt to be like I fucking told you and she has to be like you know Mark I should have believed you sorry I slugged you before

sorry for that quick whip across the face I gave you yeah it's a really abrupt like oh oh no movie's over like it's just just I don't know why it got caught with its pants down. Oh, fuck! End the movie. Just end it.

Oh, get out of here. The movie's over with. Oh, yeah. The little people were out of their trench coat, and they had to quickly end the movie. They got back on their tandem bicycle and rode away. Wait, Ian and McEwen, come back. We've got to figure out how the movie ends.

How about an epilogue? To be fair, it's not Ian McEwan's fault. he had a whole series of stuff about how Kit McAllister Kit Culkin hired his own writer and there was a bunch of stuff he like almost just owned the movie because of all the shit that happened to

celebrity parents just fucking get over yourselves what's a real good son situation yeah it's unbelievable would anybody recommend the good son I would actually and I know you guys felt like it was a little long but it's only an hour in 27 minutes and I felt like it had a

decent pacing to it and it's just little kids being evil which is always fun to watch in some degree and I you know I don't think it's you know I mean we talked about it you know what you know what to expect I kind of agree with you I'm on that fence too I on that side of the fence I should say it's it's a fun movie especially like I feel like this is a movie I can imagine a lot of people not having seen because it's like an older movie it's like McCulley Culligan especially if you're you know and you're you know and you If you're in your 20s, like, oh, you miss the whole culkin craze. Definitely search this movie out. I mean, it's on Netflix. It's really easy to find. This is top culkin. It is top culkin. Yeah, you know, it's like a light recommend for me.

I saw it when I came out. I didn't see it in the theaters. But like I said, I taped it off of Fox because you need to watch it more than once, I guess. Yeah, it does feel long to me, but it's just, it's fucking crazy. And I think, you know, it'll be funny to make a nice double feature this and a lot. I showed that where I work and did like a talkback Q&A with it. And all these people were like, it was weird seeing Elijah Wood do all those things. I was like, yeah, that's why that movie works.

Like, it's the perfect casting. But see him go from like fighting the good son to like if his character and maniac is what McCulley Culkin would grow up to be if his mother didn't throw him off a cliff. He's been very attracted to like mental illness in his work lately too. Like with Wilfrid as well. Oh, yeah. Another nutcase performance. Sin City, he plays a maniacs.

Oh, he's great in that movie. He doesn't say a word. It's fantastic. It's fair to say that Elijah Woods turned out to be a pretty great actor. I mean, he, I don't know if he said this yet, but he acts circles around McCulley Calkin in this movie. He really does. I mean, because he's playing, it's weird, too, to see him like, because we joke that he's playing like a 50-year-old man trying to date his aunt. But, like, he kind of is. It's totally true.

He's wooing her. acting more like an adult which is weird but he pulls it off I mean compared to McCulley Culkin who's just like being fed lines from Kit Culkin off camera why don't you say it this way slave child

those poor fucking kids man God he got divorced from his parents yeah we were thinking about that like how much money like do you think he's all right like he got out of that Scott free I think he's all right they fucking ring him out to dry though maybe I mean I'm sure he lost a portion of his fortune sure

but it was a big fortune to lose a portion of so I guess he's probably still okay well if not he can always go to uh Japan or Bangkok to make that fat stack hey his his band the pizza underground might make a fat stack

in Japan that's true you hear about that I only heard like the headline I don't know it's he's in a velvet underground cover band where they do I guess it's weird Al esk covers because it's all songs that the Velvet Underground did

but they change the lyrics to make it all about pizza, such as Waiting for the Delivery Man. I would say you're a little too old to be in that band. Just throw that one out there. You're probably too old to be in that band. Yeah. You never know. You do never know.

Fat Stack in Japan, man. They might go for it. That's the Good Son from 1993, directed by Joseph Rubin. If you want more information about this fine program, you can check out our website. WHM Podcast.com. You can like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at

WHM podcast. We're very active in the social media community. We enjoy hearing from you. So get at us on there. Or email us. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever it is. You subscribe to it, whether it's iTunes, Stitcher, podcatcher, if you can do reviews

there, I don't know how that one works. But wherever you get your podcast from, feel free to give a little recommend to us. We'd surely appreciate it. Speaking of recommends, tell your friends about the show. We haven't said that in a while. Also, tell strangers about the show. Stop them on the street.

Do a message board comment, whatever. Totally. You know what? You might stop Mark Summers. You know what? Get a dummy. Right. W-H-M rules on it.

R-L-U-L-Z. And chuck it right over an overpass. Oh, no, no, no, no. Free publicity. No, don't do that. No, no, no. Chuck it into the ocean. Get Aquaman.

It might wash a bunch of pan and we'll get a fat stack. Or a ship full of Somali pirates finds it. Oh, yeah. Blame it on outer space, our sister's show that takes down conspiracy theories in a comic fashion is on the air. Once again, Blame it on Outerspace.com at BlameSpacePod on Twitter, rate and review them as well. And don't forget, you have to the stroke of midnight on December 31st before Father Time calls this year awash. 718-925-3893 you tell us what to watch and as far as next week's episode goes Stephen do you have a hint for the fine listeners here's the here's a hint oh Eric's got one okay

okay um one of the protagonists is a mailman ah very good one of the protagonists is a male man until next week I'm Andrew Jupin student said Eric sister take it easy You're going to be.