We Hate Movies - S4 Ep137: Episode 137 - Jingle All the Way

Episode Date: December 24, 2013

In this very merry Christmas episode, the gang gets in the holiday spirit with the completely insane Arnold/Sinbad holiday loon-fest, Jingle All the Way! Why does no one discipline that terrible Jake Lloyd? How many times can one movie say, "Turbo Man?" And how in the world is Sinbad not getting the Chair at the end of this film? Plus: Jim Belushi's Mediocre Lieutenant! Jingle All the Way stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Rita Wilson, Jake Lloyd and James Belushi; directed by Brian Levant. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey folks, the phone lines are burning up, so get your calls in while you can for February's listener request month. And remember, that 10-year ban is gone. Totally dunzo, man. For this month, whatever you want from whatever year you want. It's the end of the year, man. It, you know, it's been a long movie year. There have been some really garbage movies. If you want to throw some out as I am ready for it. Yeah, no, I mean, January, we are going to be doing our personal. worst of 2013 right but you know there might be something that we don't have on the docket that you do so feel free to request something for 2013 maybe something from last year I mean whatever all bets are off maybe something from 1971 yeah why not there was bad movies that came out that year too that's fine uh also there are a couple movies we're not going to do after we just got done

telling you we'll do essentially any movie uh movies that have been done a bunch of times and movies we've done episodes on for uh both cases of that of course check out w hmpodcast.com in our FAQ there's uh some answers there for what we're not going to do um oh and when you call remember name and where you're calling from and a brief description of why this should be an episode exactly and you know i appreciate we've we've had a ton of calls coming in already like i'm going to say we've had over like 250 phone calls like it's been pretty insane um it's good good thing there's only four slots yeah exactly it's like getting on SNL. This is mega

millions. Well, I'll say this. We're not done. We have not made any final decision, so do not hesitate to call in. But Eric's right about one thing. Keep that call pretty short. Keep it under a minute. We don't need to know everything about the movie. Maybe just tell us one

little crazy thing that you think makes it worthy. Also, maybe you want to, you know, finish that mouthful of pasta. Finish your milkshake. You know, a nice clear talking here is what we like a good phone call because we are going to put it on the air that's very true please remember to talk please remember to talk please remember the name of the movie you're doing and also by the way

please just keep it to a movie i don't want to hear a bunch of you know what you should do uh sinbad movies we're doing a sin bad movie today but you know i was using him as an example right and don't call up being like you know what you should do CDs oh wrong show buddy yeah you want to take that over to chris cabins we hate music Yeah, exactly. By the way, the number four, the WHM hotline is 718-9-25-3893. International listeners, connect with us on Skype. We will accept your connection invitation, and you will be able to leave us a message. And then what else will be saying?

Well, the last time you can do this is December 31st, the strike of midnight. Once 2014 begins, you are too late. Exactly right. That's midnight eastern time. we're a New York City-based show, so, you know. That's right. None of this Pacific bullshit. You do the math on your own. Yeah.

Listen, you know, West Coast, if you're calling at 9.30 p.m., your time, you're finished. And look, I'm just going to say it because, I mean, it has to be said, maybe you want to do it the morning of the 31st because you might be indisposed towards the end of the night. Maybe you want to get, maybe. I know people are procrastinators. I know we all are, but like. This is different opinions on we hate movies again, because. I say get ripped, man. Let us be your midnight kiss.

Let me tell you something. If you leave a voicemail from your New Year's Eve party and you get your crowd of people to yell into the phone what the movie title is, it would be pretty cool and it might make it to air. I'm saying we're easily swayed by gimmick and shit is what I'm saying. That number again, 718-925-3893 strike of midnight Eastern on December 30. first when 2013 dies so do your chances to get a call in 7189253893 you tell us what to watch hey gang real quick before we get started we got another thing that i wanted to put out on the air we mentioned it on social media but i do know that we've got way more listeners than we do social media participants so i wanted to let everybody know about the contest we're doing for uh supportive animation

Damnation. The first pilot episode of Animation Damnation came out a couple weeks ago. It was the He-Man She-Rot Christmas special. A lot of funny moments in that. So we're reaching out to all you digital animators out there. If you do digital animation flash or some

or animation that you film, whatever it is you're doing and making it digital, listen up. We're looking for one to two-minute videos highlighting your favorite part of the He-Man, she-rock, Christmas special episode. So, you know, audio from the episode hooked up with video that you are animating. One to two minute segment, not longer than two minutes, not shorter than a minute.

Email it to We All Hate Movies at gmail.com before the last day of January. It's 31st of January, 2014. Get your submissions. And the winner gets their artwork, their art studio, their art business, their website, their blog, whatever it is, plugged on the air on We Hate Movies for an entire month. And you also get the honor of submitting a list of three movies to us. We will pick one to do. And you will get to sponsor a We Hate Movies episodes outside of a listener request. Wow.

So you do the work and there's rewards. That's what happens. You can reap the benefits. Get your artwork plugged to listeners all over the world. It sounds pretty great, right? Plus, we just like watching more cartoons. So we're going to talk about cartoons. And then you make cartoons out of us talking about cartoons.

I think it's pretty sweet. Oh, snakes eat in its own tail. that's exactly what it is the animation damnation animation contest should have thought of a better name for that but that's what it is the animation damnation animation contest January 31st last day for submissions

email us very important email only the link to us we all hate movies at gmail.com you can get your work plugged on the air hello I'm Andrew Jupin Chris Gavin Eric Siska and we hate movies

Hello, everyone, welcome to today's installment of We Hate Movies. It's our Christmas episode, 1996's jingle all the way, directed by Brian Levant. homeboy's got a whole lot of credits under his bell here i'm just going to real off a couple real quick the flintstones beethoven spy next door this dude's got a lot of things snow dogs with kubu getting junior oh come on man are we there yet are we there yeah are we there that was the one i remember he sure did oh he also directed uh vivaroc Vegas it's nice to see that that franchise kept its series director yeah you need the you need the you know the visionary the artistic tone He's the Nolan of Hanna-Barbera adaptations.

He also directed Problem Child, too, a movie so bad it's not worth talking about on this show. That's how I feel about Problem Child. So don't call it in. Different opinions on we hate it. I think that movie is insane. You love it, huh? I was struck by how insane that movie is. Maybe I got to give it another shot, but I was aggravated.

Well, I can imagine. Chris, did you like it because it reminded you of your own childhood? I mean, I did. I heard you were a big PC. Well, once I did project my babysitter's sex capades on a house in my neighborhood. Really? Yeah. Also, gigantic problem I have with that movie is they have an impossible movie house.

Oh, yeah. That movie, it's like John Ritter got a copy of cool single dad catalog and just ordered everything in it. But it's also kind of like pee-wee was your interior decorator. Yeah. It's kind of a situation Well, they do have a jambi So anyway, what I was trying to say with that Is that, you know, Brian Levant

Motherfugger's got a lot of money Those are successful movies Just fine, just fine And you know, jingle all the way was another one of these So here we are, is this, now wait a second I'm trying, you know, as much as I wish I had all the data on our back catalog in my head Accessible at all times, right?

Is this our first Arnold movie? No, we did run. running man this year oh running man of course oh yeah okay so come on man yeah sorry arnold not not welcome to the show arnold and not welcome to the show sinbad by the way oh god he's in he's here's my first big criticism of this movie and i never thought i would say this but uh not enough sinbad yeah yeah yeah he could have been doing jr i mean there's not enough jokes that's the bigger issue and honestly there's not enough arnold schwarzenegger there's way too much Turbo Man. You can never get enough Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he is just all over this thing. Yeah. No, it's true. But he's like playing like this is like my least favorite Arnold. Like this is, we're talking about variations on Arnold. Yeah. This is my least favorite. This is one where he isn't really allowed to do anything but play like a flustered father. Yeah. Well, this is my wife pointed this out when we were watching it last night. Right. She was like he doesn't he doesn't work in these family type things. Because even in kindergarten.

garden cop he's a cop and there's bad guys and things to do but this scruff he's grizzled in this is like he's totally castrated you know you you just know he wants to be like shut up motherfucker to sinbad right but he can't do it because we got to keep this movie PG well that's the thing is like I feel like this is one of those things where the movie's written and then you know they it wasn't written for Arnold Schwarzenegger it wasn't rewritten for Arnold Schwarzenegger and then someone just mentioned his name and like well that's interesting Well, there was a big dust-up about the script. I remember reading about the jingle all the way script.

There was. I remember there was a lawsuit. Some guy sued them because he had written a script and they had, well, no, it was like a treatment or something. Come on, don't bullshit me. You didn't write that script? This dude won a thing in 2001, the court case. Really? He was a high school biology teacher who wrote a treatment for this movie. um yeah i got it right here it's it was originally called could this be christmas and he was awarded

nineteen million dollars which was somehow reduced to 1.5 million dollars because i said they reversed the decision or something like eventually yeah fox appealed the decision yeah there was a there was a big thing and it's just one of the weirdest things yeah because who i mean who fucking who remembers this goddamn movie other than eric it's not okay i'll I'll tell a quick, a quick little story about Jingle All the Way. That is, it's a recent, this year, as a matter of fact, jingle all the way story. So where I work, if anyone's listened to my other podcast I do for the Jacob Brun's Film Center, one of the things I do there as a film programmer is I do the kids film series.

So we're putting together our December calendar. And I was like, okay, I'm going to do a bunch of, you know, obviously the Christmas movies, you know. So I got home alone in there, nice new DCP restoration. from Fox. That was pretty rad, right? New Paramount DCP restoration of it's a wonderful life. So I had some good things in there, right? And I had this like stray weekend. And I was like, what can I fucking put in there?

So I was like, oh, I'd jingle all the way, right? No, no, no. No, no. No, it gets better. It gets better. So I submit the series, you know, in a meeting. And my boss is like, listen, we want to get this 3D ballet production of the Nutcracker and it's perfect for the holidays. Why don't you not do jingle on?

It got cut. I mean, deservedly so. It's terrible. We're here today talking about it. I just loved, though. It's the only time I've ever proposed a screening of something that got rejected. The only time is like, you know what? The art on Schwarzenegger's Sinbad Christmas movie isn't so much a classic.

I mean, it's, why it's my, and why it's my least favorite Arnold is because he, in this movie, he's kind of, his biggest problem is that he's not the most attentive father ever. He's wealthy. They have a beautiful house. He has a very attentive mother. There has, this guy has every, like, you mean wife? Well, well, the kid. Oh, wait. So this is from Jake Lloyd's point of view, you're saying all this.

He's got a cushy upper miller. class life. You think the kid's supposed to be like, well, you know, I got this house. It's worth a pretty good chunk of change. I mean, I got a pretty nice land. I guess I'm asking for a pretty mature child. But like the guy owns a business, a very successful business. It's like what it's a mattress company. You're my number one customer. Yeah, that's what he does say to everybody. Like a like a manager of a Chinese restaurant, apparently with that impression. I was trying to do I don't know. They're not all going to land. No, it's true.

But, yeah, I think it's vague what he even does. It's just like a sleepies maybe. Yeah, I mean, I saw on one of the order forms, it was like six black mattresses. So he sells mattresses. I think he's a mattress salesman. But, and it's clearly a very, of a very nice living he's made for himself. Yeah, they're doing fine. And this kid, this fucking kid.

It's cushiony. Let me tell you how good this kid has it. How good does he have it? This kid has a painting. It must have been by a Marvel artist of Captain America on his wall. They got Jack Kirby himself to come in, do a little doodle. It's beautiful. It looks beautiful.

I mean, there is that weird thing where you go into this kid's bedroom. It's Jake Lloyd from Phantom Menace, by the way. Eric and Skywalker. Yes, the very same. You go into his bedroom and all of a sudden, it's like a Marvel store. Yeah. Like, this kid has all this shit, but then he wants this fake Turbo Man thing. That you see the Turbo Man show, and it's like a Power Rangers type thing.

And I'm like, if you're just licensing all this Marvel shit, why don't you just license like he wants a Captain America doll? I mean, it was like 96, 95, you're making this thing. So Marvel hadn't like jumped into the Marvel thing. And actually, we don't have resident comic book experts, Steve Sadek here to confirm this. But I think in like the 90s wasn't like Marvel kind of in trouble? Wasn't that when they filed for bankruptcy? I don't really know what the deal is there. I don't remember.

So maybe it was like, you want to decorate the kids' room with the Incredible Hulk sheets, that's fine. Yeah, I mean, we'll sell it to you. You didn't necessarily want to float the Spider-Man movie quite yet. Yeah, that's true. But it's coming up. Yeah, it's on its way. It's about to be pitched somewhere. But, yeah, I mean, so Arnold's biggest crime is that he's a busy businessman to provide all this stuff for his family and he's an unattentive father.

But that's okay. That's a thing to vilify, you know, like he keep. I think the thing is it's not like he messed up once. It's, they make it very clear in the film that he keeps fucking up. He keeps missing Jake Lloyd's karate pageants. Well, this is the great thing. It's like,

it's a karate belt ceremony where like you're going to graduate and get the purple belt or whatever. Yeah, but for some reason, every single character in this movie refers to that thing as a karate class. Oh, come on, I'm coming to the karate class. Like, it's all, like, it's more,

It's not just a class. If you can go to a karate class any day of the week. Well, it's kind of like, you know, when people in my family don't know what I do for a living so they just say I make movies. Like, how he's making movies. Like, that's what this is. They don't know that it's like this belt moving up ceremony. So, oh, it's his karate class. You're going to be late for his karate class.

But I will argue with you on the, his consistent, because there is a line in this movie where he's like, I was, I was there for one of them. And then Jake Lloyd says, yeah. but you weren't there for the other one. Dude, look around. It's a lot like the Jack Frost situation. Mm-hmm. Where I feel like the father is, like, doing kind of the best he can. And his one flaw, the one problem is dying in a van accident, becoming a snowman.

Yes. No, his one problem is that he's not perfect. He's not the perfect father. Well, I would argue another problem Michael Keaton has in that movie is that he doesn't have a job. Well, that as well. He plays in the Jack Frost Blues Band at 40, still chasing that dream of maybe being signed to a record. Well, maybe he'll get there. Yeah, maybe.

Well, they do. They would have if he didn't selfishly die in that car accident. So this movie, right, everybody remembers the premise of this flick. Actually, well, you brought up a good point. One of you guys did. The fact that how well remembered is this movie? I don't, I mean, maybe for like, Schwarzenegger, aficionados, they know this one. Schwarzenegger

officiantados, by the way. Why is that funny? It's funny because we all are that, but no one calls it that. And that's why it's funny. You're right. I'm a badge of honor with that one. It's a real thing.

It's just hilarious to hear someone say. I think there is more, this is more known than we might think because I think it's, it's got such a camp value to people these days. Yeah. I can see that. Well, to people,

our age and older yeah but my question you know for our younger listeners out there do you guys and gals know this movie as like oh we want to watch a silly bad movie that's centered around the holidays oh jingle all the way of course well i mean it it's this in surviving christmas on tb s hey how about uh christmas with the cranks by the way i saw that chranks perhaps i've never seen it oh it's wretched but what is what is this surviving christmas is the one with uh ben afflick and james gandolphini RIP. Yeah, see, that's the thing.

It's like, this movie's, I'm guessing, better than both of those. Yeah. So then automatically this is more remembered. Well, like, let's not get nuts, though. It's not Christmas vacation. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Also, wait, what's the other one with Danny DeVito?

Deck the Halls is what you're thinking of. Oh, yeah, where they have, there's a competition about who's house is a thing. I'm going to destroy your house. No, I have the most Christmas lights. and I like to watch them in the dark They were just for a long time They were just failing to find somebody

Who could play off of Danny DeVito Because they tried it with fucking Martin Lawrence In that what could go wrong movie They tried it with Tim Robbins In that other movie What's that one there? Well that's Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence And Nothing to Lose

Right? Or is there Tim Robbins and Danny DeVito movie No, no no I was talking about Oh Danny DeVito is also in nothing to lose No That's what I'm saying. I'm saying there's another person that, oh, wait, you're talking about people working off of Danny DeVito. I'm talking about the fact that it's impossible also to find someone who works well with Martin Lawrence. Steve's on. With Arnold Schwarzenegger, twins. Twins. I mean, that was the closest. They do work very well together. And by the way, like the other week when we said, we don't need a good.

Ghostbusters 3, I don't need this triplets. Oh, no, there's no way. I don't need it. Wait, wait. What's triplets? It's a twin sequel where it's not like in production casting yet. Oh, my blood's starting to boil already. It's rumored that they find out the two of them, the twins find out they have a third brother.

Can you put a record scratch coming up here? Yep. Played by Eddie Murphy. Ice to meet you. Sorry for my cold reception. Somehow I don't believe that we're twins. So the premise of this movie is this kid wants this turbo man doll. It's the, it's the tickle me Elmo of this movie world.

And Arnold, being the businessman, you know, forgetful father that he is, doesn't get the present, you know, when Rita Wilson asks him to. And so he's on the hunt to get this fucking doll. At every toy store in Milwaukee, or not Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Twin Cities. Yes. But I just want to quickly say, like, how he's a, you set up as a terrible father in many ways in this film. And one of them I find this pretty reprehensible is the fact that he misses the karate class. And then to make it up to Jamie, he's like, Jamie, what can I buy you?

What can I buy you for Christmas? You know, like, how can I buy your love? And then, of course, he just reiterates the present that he himself was told by his wife and child months ago. Yeah, just get this fucking doll. And you know what? Here's a thing out there, dads. If you're kids like, I want this thing. And you know it to be the hot Christmas item.

Just order it off of Amazon and keep it your fucking work desk for three months. Well, this is before Amazon. Yeah, we were talking about this last night, too. the idea that like the plot of this movie the concede of this movie is not a problem in 2013 yeah in cell phones too would have tremendously

there's a lot of Arnold Schwarzenegger going to pay phones in this movie but also the kid I imagine is watching like are you afraid of the dark or some some shit where the Turbo Man commercial is on and Arnold Schwarzenegger is in that living room reading his paper sipping his scotch and it's on in the background he's got

to remember it it's got to be plastered everywhere there's going to be news stories about how it's coming out. Yeah, and he definitely does the whole, like, he's hearing about this for the first time. What is Turbo Man? It's, the world of this movie, Turbo Man is fucking everywhere. Dude, everybody loves Turbo Man. Everybody.

And I'll tell you another thing. Folks at home, like, to make up, like, drinking games to different movies we do and whatnot. Do not do the drinking game where you have to take a drink every time someone says Turbo Man in this movie. I'll get a fucking class action lawsuit settled against me because people will die. They say TurboMen so much in this way. And everybody, it's not just out of the mouths of babes. And Arnold, Phil Hartman's talking about Turbo Man. Rita Wilson's talking about Turbo Man.

Turbo Man's on the news. The fucking President of the United States. Ha-ha, that Turbo Man is pretty great. He's a cool guy. That Turbo Man. Mass. Mass alcohol poisoning. Across the nation.

So much death. Pumping. Stomach pumping in every, in every. every house. Here's how you can play a jingle all the way drinking game and not die is take a drink every time Sinbad tells a funny joke. You'll be... You'll be a t-todeler, man.

You'll be eating toast the whole time. Not a drop of liquor in you. Let me tell you, when Sinbad first appears in this movie, it's like he kind of comes out of nowhere like a demonic Christmas angel, right? Because Arnold is just thinking about like how miserable this is, like waiting outside in the called for this toy store to open. They do the gag of like, you know, he's like, when are you going to open? And the guy points

to the sign that says 9 a.m. And it's like 8.57. He's like, come on. You can't even open three minutes early. This is bullshit. Well, it's like that movie, it's like that shitty David Pamer movie Carpool, where all you're trying to do is get to the

office to do your thing. And everything in the movie has to be put in the place of you getting to the movie. And that works for maybe 10 minutes and then you're just like get the fucking change just do it yeah and so like they're waiting outside and here

comes in you hear him blabbering oh he won't shut the hell before you see him you hear it he's he's yelling about all these mailman problems and I understand it must be really bad to work in delivery in the post office at that time of year yeah but just yelling

all your mailman problems out hollering it's just too much and it's the worst kind of thing that stand-ups turned actors do in movies, which is the lines that you're delivering just sound like your stand-up material. And you listen to Sinbad in this, and all he's doing is Sinbad's thoughts

on the busy Christmas season. That's all it is. And it crescendos, I should say, into him grabbing a woman in this crowd and trying to mock strangling her, like basically strangling her, and the crowd is just like, oh, yeah, it works in.

with his story. That's fine. Stop him. He's a madman. No, no, no. Eric, he's just acting out his story to further exemplify what, you know, the point he's trying to get across. Our younger listeners might not know this, but in the mid-90s, it was

still good just to, you're still totally fine to randomly assault people. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It's totally fine. Nowadays, we've gotten so sensitive with everything. Everything. I mean, we take this in like a world that it's, you know, if the internet exists, this wouldn't happen. But it's funny that they do get

that like, that fervor of like Black Friday sales. And we still clearly have that in this country. One of the biggest fucking embarrassments in the United States of America is Black Friday mania. I fucking

curbed a bitch in the Walmart parking lot for a fucking door of the explorer pillow. It's amazing because I hate it. Because it becomes the fucking news for the next week. It becomes the holiday. How many people died at Walmart. That's a fucking news story. How many news stories are there

about Thanksgiving? How many are there about you know? It's not even about it's like, hey, did you stub your foot while you were trying to, you know, reach for that Batman figurine? Yeah, I did. That really sucked. Oh, wow, that's great. Uh, Syria's fucking at war with itself. We don't want to hear

about serious problems. There were enough problems at that Long Island Best Buy. All I want to hear about is the sales at Target, Walmart, And what is happening in Benghazi? Because, you know, Syria, okay, Obama take me into a war. I don't think so.

Obama started the war in Benghazi. It's the three things you heard about on Black Friday. Best Buy Walmart and getting to the bottom of Benghazi. Because you know what? At the end of the day, someone still ain't saying something. We're going to get to the bottom of Benghazi like I get to the bottom of a bag of Doritos extreme spicy. And frankly, I don't think that Saddam Benghazi should be in power. So this is also a little bit of a time crunch movie.

It takes place all on Christmas Eve. Right. Way to go waiting for the last possible seconds. Oh, yeah. Yep. I'll say one thing for Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie. He doesn't believe in Black Friday. That's for sure.

No, he doesn't. He is going to shop when there's fucking snow on the ground and lights in the trees. not a second before and I mean it's kind of the only genuine laugh I got out of the whole movie was when he goes to the first he thinks this is going to be a fucking walk at the park he walks into this first

toy store which is you're so fucking stupid Arnold the place is mobbed and he goes up to these two fucking guys and he asks about Chris Parnell about yes Chris Parnell and he asked them about it and they laugh in his fucking face dude it's great they just

break out laugh and it's It's amazing because they're like, it's a joke that plays in this movie because it's like, hey, this guy's thinking he's going to get a turbo man, doll. And the whole store is pointing and laughing at him. It's so great. This guy doesn't know how to use the three seashells. Man, just the public shaming of, hey, everybody, this guy, insert embarrassing thing, and then 50 people laugh at you, great gag. It will never get old for me. someone getting laughed at in public.

Yeah, because it's the hottest thing in the world. Like, this is... They're laughing, like, how clueless are you? It's like the number one export of the United States. So the whole thing is Christmas Eve. I guess there's sort of some sort of wintertainment parade. I guess, you know, and... Well, it's a holiday parade, which I don't agree with either,

because it should be a Christmast parade, first off. Get that menorah out of my Christmas parade. They do make a point in this like parade montage to show some dude dancing in a menorah costume for like two seconds. It's like, yeah, the Jews are there too. Anyway, back to Santa. It seems like a swipe at them. It's just a guy holding a board that says Kwanza on it. Just a dude with a sign.

It says Kwanza. And it's spelled wrong. And so the whole thing is, you know, they're like, listen, he, he lies to his wife. And he's like, you know, like, oh, of course I have the Tiobo Mandal. I just have to go to the office and get it. And he's like, I'll meet you at the Wintertainment Parade, which is what they go to. Although Jake Lloyd reminds Arnold, yeah, we do this every year. Well, you haven't been in like three years, but mom and I like going.

Just really rubbing it in his face. It's a family tradition. and he has no idea what it is. So the whole thing is he has to get this doll, you know, before he has to be at the parade is the thing. And then we just go, it's a series. Yes, start the clock. Right, exactly.

And so from there, it's like he sort of runs afoul of Sinbad. Like that's, at the beginning of this whole thing, Sinbad's like, hey, Arnold, let's team up. Which, I mean, it doesn't make any sense because you're only going to find one doll. Yeah. But he's like, let's team up so we can be. buddies in this movie and Arnold's like no that's all right I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can carry a fucking movie if you want to run into me every 20 minutes that's fine because it's really a thing

where every time after that first scene where Sinbad comes back in the movie you have the thought of oh yeah Sinbad's in this movie it happened to me three times watching this because he's just gone for just stretches of time while Arnold fucks around the guy was in Terminator 2 what was Sinbad in like higher learning I don't know like house guest and house guest like give me a break or first kid

first kid first kid was the same year as this movie big year oh this was his year this was a banner year so year before was house guest they're so you know they're running because they get laughed out of the one place so they're all running to different toy shops and stuff

and there's a great sort of montage moment in this movie that I love because it looks like when when like Arnold Schwarzen Snager is driving this car. It's like superimposed like toy shop name, like store names like all over the place. Like it's like when an alcoholic is like looking at the bars and the bars. It's like the Simpsons thing where they trip on the slurpees. Yeah.

It goes and it's just what's amazing though is it's not like different names of toy stores. It's just the word toys in different colors and different font. So it's like if you got a really great screen grab of this. It's just Arnold Schwarzenegger's face and then just like toys. I think the kids in the hall might have done one of these. I think it was like maybe girl drink drunk or something. And he was just seeing like the names of like these tiki bars and stuff. Like it's the same exact type of thing.

But I mean also the time makes no sense. They went to all this. There's at least like 10 different toy stores they went to. How many toy stores are in Minneapolis? And how long, how long does it take to get to eat parking? It's a whole thing. And so it would have been in the middle of the afternoon, I would think, by the time that they actually decide to go to the mall of fucking America. Now it's Christmas morning. That's what I would think.

Like, that's how long it would have taken me to park all those places. Yeah, on Christmas Eve, if you're going to 15 different toy stores. Yeah, I don't know if this is working out for you. So they get to this one toy store that's having a raffle. Like every, like they're passing out these balls. They got a small shipment. And by the way, a town crier actually tells them about this in the middle. middle of the street.

This guy's just like, hey, they got new turbomans over at the Mall of America. By the way, that's amazing that they still have town criers there. He's just yelling the news. It's got a bell. It's 1996. We did have cell phones of the internet. You had to pass information to a mass audience somehow. Is that or either or like street corner preachers.

So they're handing out all these balls and I guess they're numbered or something. By the way, the manager. They're just colored, I guess. bouncy balls. I guess it's like, oh, yellow wind, so I'm going with a yellow ball. It's like this super balls. Yeah, they're bouncy balls. And aren't, like, this ball like bounces out of the, well,

first of all, Sinbad fucking pepper sprays Arnold Schwarzenegger in the face. Oh, my eyes. These angles do nothing. This is mad sprawl for these balls. The guy, by the way, is like,

we're going to double prices. Oh, yeah, which is bullshit because this is, you're in the Mall of America, it's clearly supposed to be like a chain, Toys R Us, KB type thing. You can't just jack shit up. That is a lawsuit town. Oh, and by the way, WHM

Connection, the manager of this toy store is the dude who's Sigourney Weaver's stereotypical gay friend in copycat, dead meat from copycat. So the guy, like, everyone's like just pass out these fucking balls already, and he's like, you know, I'm going to jack the prices up. And like a

horde of zombies they race this guy. They throw the balls up in the air. This is when the macing happens, which is heinous. Because it's like Arnold, like, gets one. So Sinbad maces him and steals the ball and runs away. And then Arnold's like, oh, the maelman, he got two, he got two balls. So they're chased. So everyone like chases.

And like, now the ball's loose and it's just going through the whole goddamn mall of America. And we're chasing the ball. We're far. Instead of him turning around for like two feet and trying to get a different. ball. We have to run across this whole mall fun. Multi-levels in the mall of America. If mouse hunt wasn't amazing. I mean, as we'll see

later on, the physics in the world of this movie are artificial, but you don't realize it right away. So the way this ball thing passes itself off is like, this is just a stupid silly gag that doesn't go anywhere. But he's literally like running down the stairs, running in and out of stores. I would argue with you. That I'm some words to mince.

I think it goes somewhere and it goes some, it goes to fertile ground because this kid, so this child, this like little girl like gets the ball. Right. And now Arnold Schwarzenegger is in her pursuit. And she goes to a ball pit and everything. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is going down these slides like, oh, and he goes into the ball pit and he's like trying to get this ball. He's trying to like trade it with this red ball from the ball pit, which is not going to. work she knows that she's got a sick bouncy ball yeah by the way find me a discovery zone tube that could fit Arnold Schwarzenegger I had the same find me in America through that

in America it's not it's not there nope he's stuck in the net well what's great about this sequence is suddenly the mom hits him with the purse right and then a bunch of other moms start hitting him with a purse and then he's accused of being a child molester Yeah, pretty much. They're like yelling pervert, sicko. And what's great is... I'm not the... I'm not the...

He's like, I'm not the pervert. I just want the ball. I want the balls. You're like, yeah, you're going to get hit with a purse. Yeah, you're arrested. This episode's brought you in part by Rocket Money, and they have this question for you. They handed to me just now, Mr. Rocket just handed me this.

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which stands for we hate movies This show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling in dough. I lived at home until I was about 25, and for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time, and the last piece, which didn't come until my early 30s, was therapy. And man, I wish it came along sooner.

Ever since I started sitting down with a licensed therapist, I've had a place to voice my insecurities and try to fashion plans to help me achieve my goals. So that's why I'm thrilled were sponsored by BetterHelp. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online, and it's designed to be flexible, convenient, and suited to meet your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist,

and the good thing is you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. It's BetterHelp.com slash WHM today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash W-H-M. So in the Mall of America, he's, Sinbad's been chased off. We'll see him in 35 minutes maybe. So he's kind of down on his luck and he runs into, Santa Claus himself

Jim Belushi Oh You know I I haven't seen this movie Since I saw it in the theater And I believe it did come out on a Black Friday weekend By the way speaking of Black Friday

I forgot that Jim Belushi was in this movie And then like you just hear it And you're like oh my God It's Jim Belushi playing Yeah You dirty Austrian Speaking of That's like a

Classic comic pairing, right? Red Heat, this is a reunion. Yeah, it is. It's totally a reunion. He's like, oh, you're looking for a turbo man doll, huh? Well, there's this whole completely fake world of black market Santa Claus as I can take you to. Oh, hey, that's terrific. And it's a bullshit.

This scene is so stupid because it's the two of them. And then Mickey from Seinfeld again playing a mall elf, which is ridiculous. So it's a three of them. And Jim Belushi and Mickey are acting. as if it's like a drug deal thing, right? He's like, oh, be cool, be cool. Oh, me, like the mall security guard walks by and he's like, oh, yes, sir, what would you like for Christmas?

Also, by the way, it's a mall of America, big small in America. Yeah, yeah. And the fucking Santa Claus thing is, there's nobody there. It's Christmas Eve. I'm kidding me. Maybe, maybe they're on multiple levels. No, maybe there's, but still, every one of them's packed on Christmas Eve. That has to be.

You're getting all those keys on your lap. I mean, it's got it. All of a sudden. Well, it's Jim Volusie. We'll go to the next one. That Santa smells like bourbon. But it's bullshit because they cut and all of a sudden they might as well be in a ghost mall like a dirt, nothing mall, right?

Because there's no, there's not even an extra. This security guard that walks by is the only other person in the scene. And it's like, yeah, I can get you. Oh, hey, be cool. Be cool, man. Hey, put that shit down. Put that shit down. Yeah, hang on.

Yeah, that's right, sir. The North Pole is cold. All right, he's gone. Listen, buddy, here's what we're going to do. Like, it's so dumb. Like, this scene is not funny at all. You don't want to have a photographer there to talk to you. You could split this scene into very funny little asides,

but it's just to get to the point of, I have this terrorist photograph of my, of the last turbo man on earth. Okay. Okay, yeah. It's a terrorist photograph. It's so stupid. Because it's a photo of the doll and today's paper. It's like a kidnapping thing

Like, hell yeah, like the doll's still alive. It's here's today's paper. We didn't slit its throat yet. So it's like, all right, take me to where I can buy this Turbo Man doll. And we go down to the fucking docks at an empty warehouse with Jim Belushi. And it's just flooded with Santa Claus because all the Santa Claus are in on this. I mean, it's the Santa Union, I would think. Like, what are you even talking to me about with this?

Like this movie goes from like, all right, this dad's just got to get a toy and wacky shit happens and he deals with a mailman sometimes into black market Santa warehouse. Come on. Although I will say this that this movie, I mean, this movie uses every single Christmas song you can fucking think of. It is a rockin good Christmas soundtrack. However, and but they save the best song and it's that sweet run DMC Christmas song. Christmas and Hollis, man. Love it. That's the one that plays in this scene. And I was so pissed off because that with fucking Jimbo. Like, it's just too much.

Oh, yeah. Listen, I'm down with the hip hop. Can I sing a little bit of Christmas in Hollis or what? Oh, it's pronounced Hollis. Yeah, fuck it. I'll never go there. I like that summertime song by that Will Smith. It's pretty rocking tune.

That Fresh Prince was correct. Parents just don't understand. You know what? It's not my job to. Because you're the. child and I'm the adult I don't like that blank W.A or anything but

I say blank W.A because I'm down with it. I fucking get it. All right. Now I'm going to play some blues music. So it's like they go there. It's like $300 for the Turbo Man doll and it's wrapped up and Arnold

shakes it or he opens it and it's like Spanish language Turbo Man. What? That was just the noise of him opening. And then Jim Volusci, in kind of a funny line, is like, yeah, well, it's educational and entertaining. It's Turbo Man, but he learns just speaking Spanish.

Because let's face it, that's where this country's going, right? You see Arnold's face just like contort into pure hatred. A fever of anger comes over him. I love it. And what's great, too, is unlike red heat, where Arnold is supposed to be Russian and not speak English that well. In this movie... He's just supposed to not speak English that well.

But he can actually articulate just how disgusted he is with Jim Belushi. It's, you really buy it because it's not really acting. Like, he's just looking at the guy. Yeah, he's like, I fucking hate this man's face. And, I mean, he gets into, like, it's like a fight from the beginning of runaway train. It's just like this bare-knuckle fight with this gigantic Santa. Oh, yeah. They bring out a giant one, like an eight-foot-tall Santa Claus.

Played by World Wrestling Entertainment's Paul Wright, the big show. Oh, the big show. Yeah, or it's Paul White, whatever his name was. Welcome back to the program. Yeah, his best acting role playing the gay guy in McGruber, hilarious cameo in that. But yeah, it's the big. show back in the movies i'm gonna deck your halls yeah with blood with your face blood and a throne of blood speaking that's all i want for christmas speaking of day divino though it would be great if they

pull the fucking ace ventura when nature calls and this and big show just turns around and danny de vito's in like a little satchel ready to kill him yeah that's the gag right the big show walks up and they're like oh and then he turns around and it's daddy divino in a backpack i'll fucking get you I'll fucking get you. I'll fucking get you. Besides Mickey, and we know we don't get Danny DeVito, what other little person is in this?

I think it's what, is it Vern Troier. He's got a cameo as another tiny person, Santa. Right. So what happens here is in the scuffle that arouses, um, big show punches Verden Troyer dead on.

And he flies across the warehouse. I'm sorry, but like as Arnold's escaping, there should be a bunch of people like collecting this little corpse. What's left of him? There's his head. There's the rest of it.

Here there's some of the ribs. Like it's going to be. And Ferdtroyer exploded like a fatality. Somebody's going to have to go outside to find his eyeballs in his heart. I mean, somebody's going to have to do it. So then like the police raid this warehouse. And this is what's weird. So they have bootleg

Turboman dolls And then the only other piece of bootleg Paraphernalia you see Are police badges Because like The cop is like Hey hold it right there Who are you?

And Arnold just quickly thinks fast And grabs this badge And pretends like he's fucking undercover vice Yeah Top 10 least favorite gags This is this is the one It's so dumb But the thing I was thinking about

Was like Why is Jim Belushi In this army of Santa Claus also bootlegging like police badges and the only thing is like because you're going to impersonate a police officer and do something really terrible yeah oh hey we got a warrant to search your house man you know what i think i think they got a piece of those dollar stores where they like the dollar stores they always sell like those fake policemen like packages i think they've got a piece oh yeah it's yeah it's it's poor toys okay but belushi

might be using them for nefarious purposes there are also possible I got a search warrant here to search your underwear drawer. Oh, what's this? Contraband. Give me your hands. I'm handcuffing you now. Huh, what's that? Oh, am I, oh, look at that television. It's mine now.

Or yeah, I also need that for my police investigation. Or he just pulls like a bad lieutenant at the driver's side window. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I'm going to take care of you. You're going to take care of you. me hear what friends help friends out don't they open your mouth hey hey you open your mouth i'm going to lose 25 large on the Mets in the world series you kids have a good time tonight

the club let me see here oh oh no i'll take care of your girlfriend there don't worry about it i mean that would be my if the end of the james belushi story is that he gets shot in front of the Port Authority. I am just fine with that. I'm just trying to get on a bus, blamo. Got Blackhawks tickets. Jim Volusci, high on some sweet Mexican brown dancing naked. He's just putting these two Hispanic kids on a bus.

Looking at the Virgin Mary that's covered in condiments. His soul is still dancing. my blues band isn't even playing his soul is still dancing hey give me some gamble I'd love it if then we cut to the Werner Herzogne bad lieutenant and there's just a chicken dancing

and it's the other it's the song from Strozik's playing and then all of a sudden it cuts to Jim Belushi just eating fried chicken yeah that was worth it took the metaphor right out of this fucking movie I'm gonna eat it eat that metaphor

so in jingle all the way oh right not in James Belushi's bad lieutenant mediocreed lieutenant stupid fake movie that sounds awesome in this movie he gets arrested

and Arnold like weasles his way out of it with the fake badge right right which try it at home we'll see what happens and he goes

he like he just finds himself in a diner yeah he because his car breaks down it's like another little roadblock what next i mean this is bullshit right i mean come on i buy this american car and it just happens to be the same goddamn diner yep that sinbad stopped in and this is where sinbad tells this bullshit fucking story about how his dad screwed him over and didn't get him the whatever the fuck that he wanted for Christmas. And I'm like, you know what you don't need to do movie? It's try to make me sympathize with Sinbad. But it's like

Sinbad talking about this like quasi-G-I-Joe thing and it's just like and it had the bazookas that went like bibo-boo and it had the little guns that went like beep-biboo-boo and like Arnold's like oh yeah, it sounds very nice. It's like what the hell? Sounds a lot like that durable man doll I have to get

sounds like the potato I always wanted in Austria when I was growing up. When I was trying to dodge crampas being crampas had an ongoing struggle for many years of my childhood

that just he got in the way of my presence for more information about crampas visit blamen on outerspace.com but but the worst part

about this man is that man the worst part of this is a loaded because this scene bothered me a lot I remember even when I saw in theaters

because Sinbad blames the downfall of his life on the fact that he didn't get the GI Joe when he was a kid And this is something I have a real problem with With not just this movie but a lot of these Christmas stories Where it's like if I don't get the thing my life's over with

And it's like you know what man I had plenty of Christmases where I was like man I hope I get this toy I hope I get this video game this DVD whatever And I don't get it and then it's like you know what There's always a fucking Best Buy gift card like Or a birthday or you'll just get like the whole like my life is over if I don't get this and I get

it it's from like a kid's point of view but Sinbad Sinbad saying that he became a functioning alcoholic because he didn't get the G.I. Joe. He's got a cushy government job. What's he complaining about that I mean that is also a thing I mean that is a fine job but and why I was so defensive

at the beginning of the episode about Arnold Schwarzenegger being just having this one problem of not being the most attentive father. Right. It's because his son is a spoiled brat he gets plenty of presents i think without even the holiday so when the one holiday comes by and i have to have this and i'm going to spend the entire day just yammering in your fucking ear about it yeah and i'll actually i'll tell you what's really obnoxious is there is in that scene where he's like how can i buy your love and the kid recites verbatim the the the turbo man commercial right down to the batteries not included accessories sold separately

and like that was a gag from the trailer and he's like wow you've really thought about this turbo man and i'm like this kid that's really obnoxious like if i was the father i'd be like you know what fucking dial it back a little bit just tell me what you want you know or how about recite a commercial clearly you're watching too much television yeah that's the other thing here here's a book that's what you get for christmas it's a book that's not about turbo man even throw me a softie like a good piece on earth? Just to butter me up a little bit.

No, no, no, no. Give me the most popular toy ever. Let me tell you something, Chris. You find a kid who says they want peace on earth and they're not fucking with you. No, no, I'm saying he should have fucked with them. No, no, well, what I'm saying, yeah, listen. Now, a kid says he wants peace on earth.

Yes. At that age. And I'll show you Jeffrey Dahmer Jr. Right there. Because that's not normal. It's not normal. My favorite part about this diner scene, though, is so Sinbad is saying how

like, you know, he turned to the bottle, blah, blah, blah. And Arnold has this fantasy sequence of the little kid dressed up in a postal uniform. Jake Lloyd, yeah. Chuck, Jake Lloyd playing drunk, chugging whiskey out of the bottle. Chugging old Harper.

Yeah, out of this glass bottle wearing this old-timey postal uniform. Flappy postal winter hat. Oh, it's pretty great. Drunk kids, hilarious. So, of course, and now Now shit got real. This is where this movie goes.

It's the express train to Crazy Town. So there, you know, they're... Can we have to mention, I'm sorry. Yes. Because we're like steamrolling ahead. But there's this whole other movie happening back at this house. Oh, we haven't even... This is the movie I want to see.

And that's why, like, I don't want to make fun of it. Because the whole great, the legitimately great part of this movie is Phil Hartman plays the newly divorced neighbor who's doing... These cookies. Yeah, just laying it on so fucking thick to Rita Wilson. He's like, coxman of Minnesota. Yes, thank you. He is going, he owns that suburb, man. Dude, that neighborhood, they're drooling for it.

Wrapped around his little finger. Yep, they want. And I mean, Phil Hartman and Rita Wilson are hilarious playing off each other in this movie. Like, she does a good job at being completely fucking clueless to his way obvious advances. and Phil Hartman is just so fucking funny and this is like I did the same thing on a house guest like I got kind of like Misty thinking about great Phil Hartman but like he's so fucking funny in this movie and it's like I just want the movie to be Arnold is the workaholic bad husband not so much bad father and it's like he's fighting for Rita Wilson because Arnold is clueless to this whole thing through like the whole movie for the most part and that's closer to an Arnold I like is that like a one. one upmanship kind of movie. Yeah, exactly.

That I can get my wife. You look at Arnold and you say he's got to fight for something, huh? Yeah. Yeah, look at the man. He shouldn't be getting maced by Sinbad. Oh, my eyes. How terribly embarrassing. But it's probably a scene where they, like he has to box,

like Phil Hartman has to box Arnold Schwarzenegger or wrestle him. What is this Joe somebody? Yes. Or what's that Tom Arnold and Rick Moranus movie? Big bully. Man, stay tuned for big bully, by the way. What are my favorite Phil Hartman moments in this movie is when Arnold's calling to check in and he gets Phil Hartman on the phone.

Oh, yeah, this is great. And Phil Hartman is like, oh, me and your wife are baking cookies. Oh, these cookies. And he's just like, you know, Arnold, this is one of the most famous lines of the movie. He's, put that cookie down. Oh, yeah. No. I believe that was trailer.

Put the cookie down. Yeah, it's so fucking great. And there's a really amazing, the end of this is I'm guessing, because this script is terrible, I'm guessing this is Phil Hartman Improv, is he hangs up the phone with Arnold and then he goes to eat a cookie and burns his hand on the stove and he screams and like sucks his thumb for a second and like yells or whatever. And then he yells at the kids in the back who are like,

who are like horse enough. off in the living room. Oh my God. It's so amazing. He like yells at them to like knock it off or something. And it's very different. Very it's actually funny. So you're like, hey, what's this doing in this movie? You know, I mean, it's got it had to have been a boon for Phil Hartman to be like, I'm clearly the best part of this movie. Oh yeah. They just want you in there because they know that you're funny. Like Sinbad, right? I bet on the other hand, Sinbad was like, oh, great. I get to be in this movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I get second billing. How awesome is that? oh who else is in this movie oh you also catch phil hartman huh hmm i know how hilarious he is from that movie we did last year together i'm getting one-uped oh i'm just yeah that sinbad really had whiskey in that bottle he's like whatever scene i'm filming right now after it's over with they're gonna cut to a scene with phil hartman being funnier than i that's sinbed's mindset i mean that is he's beset with that problem so we've got this second much better

movie going on. It's like a short film if you just strung it all together. So they hear that if you can call into a radio station and name all of Santa's eight reindeer, you get a turbo man doll. And the fucking dude who owns the diner is like, hey, you should get the fuck out of my

diner and just go to the radio station because it's right down the road. And they go to the radio station. There's a fucking foot race between Arnold and Sinbad. And it's another Sinbad. It's just overweight and out of shape jokes. It's also like, oh, I'm just going to throw mail

on the ground. Yeah, so my mail bag is lighter. Like, give me a break. You're not the Millennian Falcon trying to jettison some garbage to get a better... By the way, exactly. By the way, you're trying to get this toy for your kids Sinbad. You are throwing

your job right in the toilet. Oh, you certainly are, Sinbad. You are flat out fired. Come, come December 26th Christmas Eve. You You decide on your own position just to dump mail

in the middle of the fucking street. Just huck a bunch of garbage that people are expecting you to deliver. And it gets worse than that, but we'll get there. But first we've got to talk about this Martin Moll. Oh, God. Martin Moll, another actor that I think is really funny. He's done some great stuff.

Here he is as a hilariously be ponytailed radio DJ. He's kind of decked out to look like his animated Simpsons character when him and Carlin play those hippies. Munchy and whatever the other one was. I just remember Munchy.

Munchy was Carlin's character. So here he is, Martin Mollies, this DJ. And Arnold fucking breaks into the studio. It just screams the name. He's just yelling reindeer. The planza, Danda Blinson. It's like, excuse me. What's that?

he calls 9-1-1 Martin Mall immediately calls 9-1-1-1 I mean this scene is really where shit gets crazy because I mean Arnold right here you're arrested you vandalized property trespassing whatever income Sinbad after he pounded away that heart attack put that off for another month or so he gets up there and then he's like it's so unfunny and crazy because he's like oh yeah because Martin Mall says

Well, the toy's not here. You get a gift certificate to get it later. Which, again, you're at your last ditch effort here. Just steal that gift certificate, honestly. If it's the best you can do, look, maybe you keep looking for it and you get it later. But worst comes to worst, you have the gift certificate for the doll. You a son of a beach. And so Sinbad is pissed off about this.

And instead of acting like an adult and just leave. he takes out one of the presents and says he has a bomb. Yeah, he takes one of the packages that he's mailing and says it's a bomb. Like, this isn't funny. No. And who, and who, and I, I get it. It's not supposed to be too realistic. Yeah.

Well, who's believing this? What kind of, any kind of educated persons believe in that, oh, this one square thing in my bag, boom, that's a lot. Well, it is, Martin Mull's working at the top 40 DJs. post so maybe it's not that great of a guy I mean maybe I mean then I would just imagine a good shotgun in your face you're not you're not bringing in a

bomb so they like get out of there whatever like he's Sinbad throws it and it's like oh it's clearly not a bomb and they get out of there and then like the police show up because Martin Mall is called 911 and Sinbad pulls the joke again

like 60 seconds haven't even gone by and he's like I got a bomb in here and he does it the police and he's in his mail carry uniform. I don't know if there's a name tag. There's probably a badge number, you know, like a... So identify who he is. Well, at least the description and you know

he probably delivers mail within the Minneapolis Twin Cities area. Hey, Minneapolis Postmaster General. I'm looking for one of your mail carriers. He looks a lot like stand-up comedian Sinbad. Oh, yeah, what about him? Oh, was he doing that bomb

thread again? Yeah, guess what he's in jail. He's in the middle of his shift and his entire bag was empty already. He's not in jail. We shot him in the fucking head. Honestly, there's like 20 police officers. I mean, up until this point, like I said, it hasn't been realistic, but it's been plausible. Yes. It's been almost. It's been silly. It's been playful, but this is when we go to straight to tune town. This is fucking. I wish Bob Hoskins was here to fucking throw me through this place i don't work for no tunes or sinbad no i won't take your case sinbad oh lover boy sinbad has the fucking text avery lady no so he gives him his bomb and the bomb explodes and here's the thing okay they get out of the building they're in the street and

then the end of diehard happens at the top of this building like the floor blows out and you're like whoa they're dead cut back to the elevator bank at the top of the building and it's just the one police officer that was holding it looks like

a fucking cartoon blast my wife was like he looks like fucking daffy duck right now like when his beak was on backwards he's great of his mouth and his nose was on the other side of his head and every other police officer standing around him is like well that's a real bummer there lieutenant yeah some guy

some guy's like huh thought you had 10 years on the bomb squad huh like uh how he's speaking right now how about you know what it it would been great i know this is you know this is gonna be stupid so bear with me everyone fair enough i would love it if the movie decided

to be ultra realistic like like like saving private Ryan when you see someone blown up in that it's like just chunks and just nothing left and just like dude I'd love it like a leg just falls down on the ground like hits in bed in the arm like what oh wow that was a real bomb huh weird yeah and that guy's just murder that whole floor's dead that whole team Martin Moll's dead there's a guy dragging himself down the stairwell with a huge piece of shrapnel in his side like just like it's just like the end of bad boys too when the guy like falls on the mine it's just like Just pieces are in Martin's face. This, yes, this movie could really use a gore fart.

Welcome back to Chris Cabin's gore fart. That's a gore fart. I think there's a gore fart in From Beyond. There's a definite gore fart and from beyond, man. That's a great movie. And four years later in the election, there was once. Wow. Joke jacking.

Joke jacked. Yeah. once in a while it's good to do a little joke jacking so can we talk about when arnold sworetsnager fights and then gets drunk with a reindeer oh yeah that part speaking you know we're going down this path of realism and fucking plausibility so earlier in the movie phil hartman again being hilarious is like oh you didn't rent out a reindeer for your kid i did like he's doing a clear like father of the year it wasn't even just rent it out he like bought it he bought it oh that's right because he says he's going to give it away to the wild

after christmas he's going to release it he saw this family of the year that he's picked out and they'll accept him as one of their own guess what they won't guess what he's dying yeah he's gonna die out there all alone yeah thanks been in a pen most of his life now back into the wild it's gonna be like uh it's gonna be like in that show the return there's just a bunch of dead wild animals in that pond you do understand what pack behavior is don't you they go up against each other. He's dead. Yeah. And talk about spoiling your kids, man. Phil Hartman's kid in this.

I'm sorry. You're poison in the well. What's great, too, is Phil Hartman's kid. Not only is he spoiled little kid, he's spoiled little fat kid, so he makes it even worse. Kind of the guy who gave me the most laughs in this movie. I got to be out of Phil Hartman. He's the fat kid. I love how it's Phil Hartman, this fat kid who has

six lines, and then maybe like eight other people probably before you got to sin bed as far as to making you laugh. Are you out of your, the reindeer is getting on before Sinbad does. So it's established early on that this reindeer does not like Arnold. No. So Arnold, in a true moment of desperation, breaks into Phil Hartman's house.

And by this point, he's already really burned the bridges with his kid because he actually called up and, like, started yelling at him. Oh, yeah. Jake Lloyd tells him off and then hangs up the phone on him. Yeah, Jamie, please. Get your mud on the phone. What, this, man. This was the one where, I mean, this, if you ever.

If you maybe were on Jake Lloyd's side before this, this fucking puts it right out of. You're not after this little tantrum. All it, like, Arnold Schwarzenegger just wants to talk to his fucking wife. He has had a fucking shitty day. He just wants to get things straight for the rest of his goddamn day. You know what? When my dad would call up the house, like from work or wherever and be like, put your mother on the phone, you know what I do? Put my mother on the phone.

I will talk to you afterwards. Yeah. I don't tell him off and then hang up the phone. It's not even telling on. It's just yammering on about the turbo man. It's just him still talk. On and on about this turbo man. I've been spending my whole day dealing with it.

I get it, buddy. Can I just talk to your mother? He's also burned through about $600 now on scams, grifts, and cons. God, oh, yeah. Because at one point you tried. The swimming pool for your birthday is gone. He doesn't get the $300 back from Jim Belushi. like the bust happens.

He also pays a random woman on the street $300 for what he thinks is her Turboman doll, but it turns out to be Booster. No one wants a booster doll. Booster, the much maligned assistant to Turbo Man. Pink Sabretooth monster thing. It's a pink Tasmanian devil-looking character. It's, I mean, it's stupid. It's a gross thing.

So he's, yeah, he's told him off on the phone. He really hates his guts. And then he's down to his, like, he's got, he's got no other recourse. And he's just remembering Phil Hartman God. Terrible Man doll, huh? I got one knussled right under my tree. It's, I mean, Phil Hartman, I don't have to tell you how funny he is. But, like, you know that he gets this character so well.

It's like, I'm saying shit that I could just say, like, nicely. But he's saying it with the character knowing that Arnold's character clearly has not purchased the Turbo Man. And he's really, really rubbing it in. It's so fucking genius, man. Arnold's just going to steal it from his fucking house. I'm just going to break it and fucking steal it. He's going to pull a page from the mediocre detective or mediocre lieutenant's book. Yeah, I'll just break into his house and steal the fucking thing.

No, it's okay. I got a drop gun if something goes down. Pour the calm in the show to. Oh, what's that? I'm going to start a horrible fire in your house. Yeah, fuck it. Which Arnold totally does. He like, he kicks one of the three wise.

His husband's heads into the fireplace. What's worse about this, too, is, like, that head goes up and it's burning in the fireplace. And he's like, oh, no, I got to put this out. It's a fire spreading. And he tries to put it out, and he just makes it worse. He drags it out onto the carpet, and now the carpet's on fire. Flammable rags is what he's trying to belt it with. And, like, it just starts this huge fire.

Bill Hartman's house is destroyed. Yeah, it's pretty bad. And so to cool down from that, I guess, from his little crime spray. Arnold Schwarzenegger grabs a beer with the reindeer Well, because this is when it comes to a head And Rita Wilson finds out, this is the third act of the movie, Rita Wilson finds out, it's the end of the second act I guess technically, she finds out he lied, didn't get the present.

She winds up sort of siding with Phil Harmon. I mean, even though she doesn't like fall for any of his moves or anything, but she's like, you know what, we're going to the parade. You know what? Don't come. How about that? Don't come. And we need to get the parade because God damn it. Yeah, so this, I mean, the only thing, so stupid. He's drinking a six-pack of beer

with this reindeer in the backyard. And the reindeer's like burping. It's a disgusting reindeer puppet, too. You know what I mean? So like, it's like you go to like a shitty like steakhouse, like a family-friendly steakhouse and there's like a talking deer on the wall.

Hey, thanks for coming down to Wally's steakhouse. Yeah. Exactly. I punched the moose. Like that's exactly what this thing looks like. And after they're done Turner and Hooching. he goes to the parade in the hopes of

reconciling with Rita Wilson I assume he and this is really stupid it's she just yells at him and Jake Lloyd has already yelled at him so he's like ah they both yelled at me and he says like you know I have to start being a better father or whatever and it's like what are you going to do

you've ruined Christmas for this kid your wife's pissed at you just going and showing up at this parade and being like Like, you know, I'm sorry. Like, you're not going to do anything. You know what I mean? So, I mean, this is what his plan is. I'm just going to show up and maybe they won't be mad at me anymore.

I got you $300 in cash. Merry Christmas. And we just, we launch into the most ridiculous. It's the, it's, it's, he becomes, he becomes iron man. Yeah. He's fucking Iron Man. He winds up somehow getting involved in this parade. He accidentally.

is mistaken for the actor who's going to play Turbo Man because the main actor who was supposed to play Turbo Man basically died, right? It is in a coma now because of something, which, by the way, this is one of the only believable

parts of this last part, because the suit they give him certainly could put you in a coma. It's a suit invented by Tony Stark. It's an out-and-out rocket pack that this guy's got. And, you know, it's got Razor discs. It's like, all right, he's going to do the show. It's floating CDs at people. I mean, it's so stupid, right? So he's mistaken for this guy. He gets in the parade. And the dude who plays Booger is hilariously playing the sidekick. A booster. Yeah. Welcome edition. He's, he's got some nice little lines. It's great. Like, there's there's booger. He's like smoking a cigarette. Like, where the hell have you been? Like really treating Arnold like shit, which is awesome. And it's, it's, it's, it's,

The whole thing starts and he's like, you get to give a toy to one of the kids in the crowd. He gives it to Jake Lloyd. And then Sinbad. Because remember everybody, Sinbad's in this movie, dressed up as the villain. It's like a Brainiac. It looks like Brainiac. I think it's like the... What was that Will Ferrell, Brad Pitt animated movie that totally tanked?

Oh, Megamind. He looks... It looks like Megamined. I think he's called like the Dementor or something. The Dementor, that is the name. In TurboMane. He's the... the soul-sucking ghosts from the Harry Potter world.

He's Turbo Man's Mattalo. So it's like, here's Sinbad, and it's supposed to be like an Indiana Jones stunt show type thing, right? Like, oh, here's fucking the villain and they're going to fight and he's going to save the day. And then Sinbad becomes a total criminal. Like going off script. He goes off script. Big crime. Second crime.

harassing and assaulting a child like Sinbad's getting a chair by the end of this Well, because the Dementor suit We're talking about how We're saying that the Turbo Man costume Would be made by Tony Stark Yeah This fucking the Dementers was made by Jeff Bridges

Because this thing has a rocket fist That can fire and hit him And it's like supposed to be like solid steel metal Yeah, it's it fires And then it goes back into his hand just like the TV show that we see at the beginning of this movie where there's you know power rangers levels of special effects but like it's still special effects this is like the fist comes out and comes back to Sinbad and hooks back in like

magic like TV magic it rips his arm off Minnesota must be a fucking military town because this shit is next level it's nuts one of the first things he does too is he like uppercuts booster. Oh, yeah. And he flies off the float and lands. And then the, and he's like, shut up, booster. Nobody likes you.

And then the kids in the audience in the crowd agree with that sentiment and go over there and start beating the shit out of him. Dude, it's like a scene from the walking dead, man. There's a pack of wild kids that eat him alive. Dude, they're like ripping him apart. It's terrifying. That's another victim claimed by this movie.

Vern Troyer and this guy, Bougar, all sharing a bed next to each other in critical care so then like Arnold starts flying around in this suit and I mean jet pack flying around in it he's going up flying through skyscrapers

no training no training nothing he goes through a window goes through a family's dinner yeah they're like saying grace they're about to have like Christmas Eve dinner and he flies it doesn't matter I can ruin as many people holidays I want as long as my sons is perfect and then continuing

with the cartoon physics there's a shot in this whole thing where he's about to slam face first into a building and he goes head first against this brick wall yeah and he's just like vibrating like a fucking you know like tuning fork well i mean he also does tony stark at the end of the Avengers because he goes up into the atmosphere and almost touches space yeah he throws that thing through the wormhole and is somehow able to fucking come back from this it's it's so crazy

It's so fucking crazy. Meanwhile, Sinbad is chasing this child through the streets. And Rita Wilson's like, oh, be careful. Like, she doesn't get it. Like, call the police. This is clearly not something that's sad. There's police everywhere. What are they doing?

And now, Little Annie Skywalker is climbing up this ladder to go to the roof. And it's like, Rita Wilson, you really know that this isn't part of the plane. You've been with your kid all day. Yeah, you know that no one from the parade planning commission has called you. to set this up, like, oh, we want your little boy to be an extra, or I guess a featured role in our little stunt show. And the kid is climbing up. It's like a radio tower or something.

Oh, no, it's a, it's a big metallic Christmas tree. And it starts like tipping over. And Sinbad, the whole time is like, get back here, kid. Get back here. Not like, hey, this is getting dangerous. Maybe I should stop chasing a kid for a doll. It's like, till my last breath. I'm going to try to get this toy.

By the way, there's two anchors. there this is all televised job again disintegrated in front of your very eyes by the way one of the anchors on tv the dude anchor is the actor who plays jacky childs on seinfeld this dude is an amazing voice actor because he i mean jacky's an amazing cartoon character like johnny cochran type guy and this guy's like welcome to the minneapolis you know morning news report and it's like it's so much different and I was like tooling around I and B like he's fucking Jackie Childs this dude's great but yeah you're right you're on national TV done for yeah out of a job getting the chair get in the chair not just losing your job get in the chair for this havoc that you're causing bad junior what you're getting for Christmas homelessness if this happened in 2013 they would consider this a fucking terrorist attack yeah you know what if this happens at the Macy's Day parade terrorist attack your only recourse is to get into that van of that vacuum cleaner guys

and disappear from the world. No, he's going to Guantanamo and he's going to have to watch the fucking Star Wars Christmas special. It's happening. The Star Wars holiday special. I apologize. Don't you associate that shit

with my holiday, God damn what? Gonna have to listen to that and Pig Destroyer. Better keep the Christ in Christmas. But yeah, like, I'm sorry. There's a jet, jet-powered thing flying around New York City during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Terrorist attack.

They're both going to jail. But no, of course. Like, everything ends. He has the rocket. He saves Jake Lloyd. Arnold, as Turbo Man, saves Jake Lloyd when he tips over. Yeah, swoops down, like, just in time.

I mean, why do you eat that stakes, by the way? Yeah, why in this Christmas movie doesn't have to be life? Like, he could die. Oh, yeah. kid could die. Literally a second way from death. And like this catch that Arnold makes with this thing would be tough for Superman.

And he just swoops in never having used a jetpack before, unless, unless Arnold's character in this movie is the same character from True Lies. And he's actually a secret spy. And this is just another life on top of the Jamie Lee Curtis life. Listen, that movie in True Lies, he's Harry, right? This movie, he's Howard. Not that far off. He could be a secret spy that knows.

how to use a rocket pack. Is Rita Wilson going to be forced to strip for him in this one too? I'm all right with that. I don't know if Tom Hanks would be, but I'm fine with it. So, okay, Minneapolis. So is he spying on Canada or something? Yeah, dude, making sure our friends to the north

don't get any ideas. That's exactly what he's doing. Tom Arnold's just talking about all these spies in Montreal. Yeah, that's the end of the movie, right? The kid, and this is shitty. Well, Jake Lloyd, is this the shitty part you were talking about? Yeah, it is. The kid has to teach the adults how to behave on Christmas.

Jake Lloyd has the doll. Sinbad, by the way, is in handcuffs. Finally, this movie kind of gets back to reality. And he's like, hey, before you go to jail forever, give this to your kid. He gives him the Turbo Man doll. And Arnold is just like, after the day I had, you're giving this thing away. you got to be kidding me here sinbad you can have the gift certificate i stole from the radio station you're keeping that fucking doll in this house we're putting it into the glass case you're never

playing with it like he just gives it away and they're like what the fuck are you doing and he's like hey man why do i need this doll my dad is turbo man and i'm like he's not keeping the suit yeah yeah you instantly yeah we're gonna need that costume back right now yeah so we're We got another turbo man parade tomorrow. I got to get up to... We have to return this to Halliburton. Will you please? Blackwater needs this for a mission in the Sudan.

Or Kosovo? Just to date this properly. You're right. We're going to take this to Kosovo. I've got Slobodan Milosevic. We're going to try to take out Slobaton-Milosevic in this Turbo Man costume. Maybe that's him

Arnold as the secret agent in the takes on Turbo Man as his form to go to fight Slobodon Milosevic. Dude, I would love it if they're like, listen, we got to get this jetpack back to Blackwater as they could take out Belosovich. And then they're like, fuck, there's not enough time

to get all this Turbo Man paint off of it. So this hired assassin has to fly in as Turbo Man. But to take out. slow with Don Milosevic. But the problem is, is whenever he would assassinate people with these little discs, like, what are they going to do?

Pretend, like, a CD player exploded? Yeah, there's no way to cover them. Honestly, this man was clearly killed by Turbo Man. In the Balkans, CD player explosions, quite common. Yeah, that's actually not. A lot of boomboxes were literal boom boxes. Yeah, those, you know, the five tray ones, they were hair triggers, really. Yeah, once, you know, once Tito's Yugoslavia fell apart, then all the

the Civil Wars came. Yeah, there's some boomboxes. Yeah, and there's a lot of jagged little pill on those. Man, I would love seeing a Dan Rather news report telling me that the fucking Turbo Man took out Slovodon Velosovich. That'd be awesome. An interesting turn of events. Slovadovino Velosovich was murdered today by Turbo Man. It was a dark turn for Turbo Man. It's usually fighting aliens with a pink Tasmanian devil. Foreign policy usually isn't his foray. I would like to award the Medal of Freedom to Turbo Man. He's done a great deal of pride to this nation.

He's committed a heroic act for the world. Turbo Man, thank you for, thank you, Turbo Man for killing Slobodan Milosevic. Bet you get a lot of talent in that suit. You might if I borrow your Turbo Man suit for the weekend. What's... Mom, did you hear? Turbo Man's a murderer. Mom, you have to buy me the Slobodan Milosevic villain castle

so Turbo Man can fight him. And the 100 henchman whose necks he's shattered. That's the end of the movie, right? Or so you think. I mean, that's all... My dad's Turbo Man fade to black credits, right? right, I'm a big credit watcher, sat through it. You know what happens at the end of this movie, the end of the credits?

The actual end of the movie. There's a scene that could function well as the blackout scene for the movie, but they make you sit through these credits for it. They're back at the house. Arnold is putting the star on the tree, which is a thing from earlier in the movie. Phil Hartman tries to do it and she's like, no, Arnold always does that. He's putting my star on my tree. He's eating my birthday cake.

No, that one's the wrong movie. Birthday cake is from the sixth day. This is, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger when he hits 95. His lines just like, grandpa, you're mixing up your catchphrases. You're to the charm. I'll be back. So they're trimming the tree and everything. And Rita Wilson is like, you know, you made me so proud today, like the lengths that you went for our spoiled little brat.

like it's it's kind of turning me on right now and i was like where is this going you got that scene here huh yeah you got you got you got that sex swing i asked for her right well that's what she's like you know it just makes me think if you do all this for our son i wonder what you got me for christmas dun dun dun yeah it's fucking needle off the record smash zoom on arnold And then that's like, that's the blackout gag. And I was like, why would you leave this at the end of the credits? Like, that's how you end your movie. Wow, what a great day at the parade.

Now we're back at the house. He's running, run into the mediocre lieutenant to get something nice for the misses. Oh, you need something for your wife, huh? I got a couple of things that might turn some buttons. Want me to warm her up for you, Chief. I get you this cashmere sweater. What is this red dot? Oh, you won't.

notice that red dot it's harmless everybody loves cashmere what is this dot would anybody recommend jingle all the way i would i mean it's not obviously not uh you know star cal stellar cinema as chris might enjoy but it's um no i wouldn't it's still chris was twirling his mustache by the way for all those listening at home this movie's fun and dumb and it's nothing it's you know it's nothing too crazy nothing too crazy to write home about but i feel like it's it's worth seeing once yeah um it's i mean the phil hartman stuff i mean it is yes you can only you only have so much phil hartman on film and i kind of say you should watch it for that but after that i mean you can actually fast forward through the rest of it if you like um i mean

I mean, if you have 87 minutes to kill, which I assume many people do. Oh, yeah. Sure, go ahead. Watch the whole damn thing. But, like, Phil Hartman, that part is a recommend for me. This movie's a solid recommend for me. Like, it's not a Christmas classic. My boss was right in canceling my plan.

You recently found out. Yeah, exactly. Christmas classic. But, I mean, this movie is fucking crazy. It's so crazy. You got, you know, the aforementioned amazing Phil Hartman, you know, the Arnold stuff is kooky. The third act of this movie is so insane.

You've got to see it to believe it. If you haven't caught this movie yet, there's even stuff we didn't mention, like him messing with that cop so many times. Oh, yeah. There's all these little things. There's so much ridiculous crap. It's ridiculous crap is what it is. But it's a totally watchable movie. And it's, yeah, it's only 87 minutes.

So this holiday season, once you watch all the good stuff and you're wanting to watch some like tolerable bad stuff, Jingle all the way is a fun The kids are in bed Let's have a couple of heavy ABV beers Yeah remember this is not child friendly This film It's not really it's really not Listen

It's gonna teach your kids to be a piece of shit And I know you don't want shitty kids Yeah I mean come on Andrew saw this in the theater Look at him Yeah I mean just a real pile of garbage Just the way Phil Hartman says Taste your wife's cookies I mean that's enough to put you on the wrong track

what's he actually mean there mom nothing shut up invisible child starring rio wilson that's jingle all the way from 1996 directed by the very rich and successful peter levant you want to get a hold of us check out the website w hm podcast dot com like us on facebook and follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail dot com blame it outer space is back blame it on outer space dot com face And Facebook and Twitter at Blame SpacePud. You got a Christmas episode coming up. We got kind of two, actually. We got the Crompice, which we plugged.

Crompice just came out the other week. And now, oh, I think I may be available even now or tomorrow. The War on Christmas. Yes, it's a big deal, dude. Yeah. Big deal. So, yeah, sorry. Speaking of holiday episodes.

Yes. We got a WHM on screen coming up as well. Yes. This Thursday. So it's kind of like a late Christmas present But this Thursday you will be able On our app and Bandcamp page You will be able to get yourself

A little treat We kind of broke our promise We had said we were done with the Star Wars franchise But the Star Wars holiday special Is discussed in an episode of WHM on screen So make sure to get the app Or check out WHM podcast.bancamp.com On Thursday to get yourself that episode

Nice little Christmas bonus sitting around with the family, hear us rag on that. Well, it's not family friendly. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is when your family finally leaves or you go up to the attic and you take your, your iPod or whatever.

You're doing the dishes, you get the iPod. You get your eggnog out. You get your eggnog or scotch or something and you just have yourself quiet little W-HM time. Yeah, there you go. Star Wars holiday special available this Thursday or out now if you're listening to this not on Christmas Eve.

Or if it's Christmas Eve, 2015, 2016, 20, we know, I mean, it's, it's been out for a while. Yeah, it'll be available there. It will still be available. If this is the year, uh, 2150, how's, how's it going? We have one more episode remaining in 2013. Chris Cabin, you want to give a hint about what next week's movie is for New Year's Eve? Bird catastrophe

That could be anything That's a lot of things Bird catastrophe And by the way We mentioned it at the top of the program But the animation damnation Animation contest We explain what that is at the top

So you know Rewind if you want that info again But looking forward to getting those submissions The due date January 31st at the stroke of midnight That's all until next time I'm Andrew Jupin Chris Cabin

Eric Sisker Take it easy Who told it you can eat my cookies? Put that cookie down, now!