We Hate Movies - S4 Ep139: Episode 139 - After Earth

Episode Date: January 7, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang kicks off their Worst of 2013 month with the totally snooze-worthy, secret M. Night Shyamalan film, After Earth! Could the acting get any stiffer? Why is Lil' General getting jammed down our throats? And where are those aliens they kept talking about at the beginning? Plus: America's fastest growing quiz sensation - "After Earth or Oblivion?" After Earth stars Jaden Smith, Will Smith, Zoe Kravitz and Sophie Okonedo; "directed" by M. Night Shyamalan. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey, gang, just a reminder, the animation damnation animation contest, the deadline, January 31st at the stroke of midnight. Yeah, I mean, we're coming in not under the wire yet, so you might still have time to hand draw it, I guess, in the old Disney tradition, but maybe you want to speed it up, get some computers involved. Well, if it's you and a team of like 30 Koreans, like you might be able to work it out. Bang that shit out. It's just you and a bamboo pad, though. Don't hand paint the cells. They've got better things to do. Exactly.

The contest in question, if you're just hearing about it, we would like you to animate a one to two minute segment from the pilot episode of Animation Damnation, which was on the she met, which was on the He Man, she rock Christmas special. Take the audio from the conversation we were having animated in any way you would like. You can cut up the audio. You can use.

use different parts of it here and there. We had some questions about that. Yeah, it doesn't have to be like a single run. It can be, you know, cut up, segmented, whatever you want. And I'm just going to jump off something Andrew Omo said. It'd be pretty fun to do the He-Rah and She-Man Christmas special. Yes. Let's see what that looks like.

Like a good two decades off from that, probably. That's like when they move it to adult swim and they make it all ironic. that's what it is that that's where you go with it january 31st is the deadline you can email your submissions uh links either for a private youtube channel or a private vimeo link whatever you want uh we all hate movies at gmail dot com the he man shirah christmas special let's see what you can do with that hello i'm andrew jupin steven kris gabin and we hate movies Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Happy New Year, happy worst of 2013 month.

Just like last year, the start of the new year, we're talking a whole month of crap that we watched in 2013 so of course we are breaking our 10 year rule and first up m night shaman's snooze sci-fi nap inducing film after earth i do think i mean you're onto something i think he has creative genre snooze fiction yeah like if you're if you're having problems at home sleeping through the night get a tv doesn't matter what size it is just put in your bedroom get a DVD player get this movie on DVD just put it on you'll be out like a light

it's just it's the most boring video game I've ever seen it's really it's like those parts in Assassin's Creed when you stop doing all the cool assassinating and then you're in the corporation that shit happens that game is a dichotomy of doing all the cool assassin

stuff and back in the olden days and then you matrix yourself back and it's like oh hey you did really good there you want to research him stuff in this digital library. Are you kidding me? I am not kidding you. That game's a sham. I've never played a second of those games. I don't really trust any game that has a library in it. I agree with you. I mean, because I think Mist had a library. Yep. I think Mist had about four libraries. Resident Evil had libraries, but you could really breathe through them. You know, like there was a lot of, you want to just shuffle

through these papers in those early Resident Evil games. And you're probably finding a few zombie rats just scurrying around. Like just keep your atmosphere Little, you know, tantalizing maybe Yeah, look at all that A haunted library, something like that So to go along with like your Matrix thing Like all of a sudden you're just like Mr. Anderson and in an office?

Yeah, no, you're just like some dude So here you are, you're fucking cutting people's throat In the old and the olden days Cut in the Pope's throat Which is what everybody wants to do Back in the 1800s, right? Well, not this new Pope. No, he's a great guy.

New York liberals love this Pope. He's got to be great. the but no you slit the old the olden time you know betrothed pope that's the bad guy yeah like those borgia era pop exactly you slit jeremy iron's throat which is what everybody wants to do right and but then all of a sudden the game it stops and instead of going on to the next level or whatever it's like well we want to really incorporate the idea that you're playing a video game so you go like it's like when you're when you're really pressing a that's when you're doing this and this fake reality and it's like holy fuck

What about jumping out of goddamn Gumbah's head? So before you go and kill Cardinal Richelieu, read up a little bit. Yeah, oh yeah, you're three musketeers all the way through. That's so stupid. It's almost as stupid as this movie after Earth that we're supposed to be talking about it. So to get this out of the way, because we were kind of, there was a little bit of confusion about this before we went on the air. This movie credited a story by Will Smith, starring Will Smith and Jaden. and then directed, I'm doing air quotes because this is a podcast,

so I have to tell you that, directed by M. Night Shyamalan because M. Knight Shyamalan did things like Mizanen and blocking and things like that, but all the performances and all those decisions, it's all engineered by Will Smith. It's this, it's a really weird Will Smith Trojan horse directorial debut movie. It's that, that sucks. And the fact is you don't even know the story. And this is what I don't like about this new trend we're doing where we're doing the credits after the movie, like what would be the before credits. We don't even know what the title of the movie is until the movie ends because I didn't know this was a story, even know that it was a story by Will Smith until the end of the movie.

Yeah, man. That's like eating a really nice, delicate fish dinner. And they're like, oh, who made it? And then Danny DeVito comes out with fucking fish guts all over his head. You throw up. You know what I mean? Do you like it? I bet you did.

I cooked it all in. a nude. I hope you don't mind I had a bit of a cold hat shoe. Let me ask you something. How often do you wash your hands every day? Because I say once in the morning

you're done. It's the collard rule, right? When you get shit on your hands, you wash. But when you don't, that's fine, right? That's what I've always used. But yeah, you don't even know it's Will Smith until the end of the movie. And I didn't even, this was my surprise.

didn't know that there was this weird like fake you know ghost directing going on and i'll tell you uh here's how you can you can tell though this movie doesn't have a twist ending yeah that's that's entirely there's no shamanian twist but it certainly looks and but it's completely correct because it looks exactly like an m9 shaman movie like it looks exactly it's it's not set in philadelphia but otherwise yeah well there's no powerful reds in this movie though. I guess that's true. Yeah. Well, you know, I think my problem, I mean, not only

I knew watching it, it was an M. Night Shyamalan movie, so I'm like waiting for a twist. Like, yeah. And then when the twist doesn't come, by the way, I was also like bummed and was realized I'd been hoping for one this all time. But also because a sort of similar movie that also came out last year, Oblivion, which

is a good movie, I think. Not a great movie, but it's, first of all, it's much better than this movie. Oh, certainly. But that movie's got a solid fucking twist it. And I was just like, oh, that was oblivion. I thought I was watching again. Well, because if you're going to say anything's interesting about M. Night Shyamalan anymore, it's that at any moment it could turn into a different movie. Yeah. I mean, that's like, he doesn't know how to focus on a story for his fucking life.

Like that last airbender, I mean, it just, it just switches gears every minute. That's the one I didn't see, though. Are you secretly working in an office in that movie? I wish you were. I would like. love to secretly be working it up. Now, what is that about? It's a bunch of little kids that have powers. I don't watch that cartoon. I don't know what's going on.

It's like, yeah, it's a bunch of kids that used to be Asian, but now we're in Hollywood, so they're white kids, which is what you want, who, like, have powers. And it's kind of a, you know, post-apocalyptic or pre-apocalyptic something or other. And there's, it's magic, you know, but it's kids and magic. Uh-huh. You know, and it's not Magic Johnson, but just kids and just... So the premise of this movie is it's like a thousand-ish years in the future. And to be fair, we don't know we're not in Philadelphia in this movie.

Yeah, I guess that's true. I'm sure if you went frame by frame, it'll be like in the Manistiel, you'll see the little Lexcore thing. You'll see a little Liberty Bell under some under overbrush. I mean, well, that was one of the things I was waiting for. And then I kept forgetting that it's like a thousand years in the future. So like you're not going to have those ruins. again, like the ruins in oblivion, you know, like the football stadium is still there and whatever. Now it's just the wild forests of Philadelphia.

Forests of Philadelphia. Sorry. What do you want for me? Shut up. How about that? You're so fucking perfect in this new year, Chris Cabin. I would... What, I like my ivory tower.

Polish it every day. It's got a great Wi-Fi reception up there. I dare you to listen to that. fucking a r a m song at the end of that movie streets of philadelphia no no no the end of the end of philadelphia it's uh it's a real sappy song that makes me cry every time it's not streets of philadelphia it's like oh i don't remember i don't think rm did a song for that song let's push eject on this part so the movie we're a thousand years in the future and we as a society have destroyed the earth so we evacuate a bunch of people up to another planet that they don't

really explain how we found it but we found it so fuck it And then this is what's obnoxious. So we get to this new planet and we're like, hey, it's Earth too. And then these aliens come down. These halos come down. They're like these aliens that we never see, but we see the monsters that the aliens attack us with. Oh, so it's a Pacific Rim situation? I actually missed that part of the movie.

I was like, how are these guys colonizing anything? They're big old monsters? No, see, so here's the situation. From what little general, Jaden Smith, tells us. And if you don't get that joke, go back to Godzilla. I believe it's the Godzilla episode is where the character of Lil General was created. But Jaden Smith, Lil General, he's doing a, it's a terrible, disgusting narration because this kid is a bad actor. He's a bad, bad actor.

It's like listening to a soliloquy given to you by a fucking piece of foam board. And it's the easiest part of acting. You just got to read it. If you can't convince me that your voice. voiceovering something. No. I don't know. I don't know what to do for you. So he's like, blah, blah, blah. We left Earth. We came to this other planet. It doesn't explain how we found it. Sure.

But then he says, and then the aliens came and release the auras or whatever they are. Earths. Earths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you see there's a shot of like this spaceship coming down like, uh, uh, uh, and then this monster comes out. But you never see the aliens. So maybe from your. little vocal cue there. You think it's an army of Wayne Knights, possibly? Uh-uh-uh, uh-uh. You can't go on this earth. Uh-uh-uh. If anyone's curious about the noises outside, we're recording this in the middle

of that gigantic snowstorm last week, and there's a bunch of salt trucks that may or may not kill us all. Maybe this is the beginning of after Earth. This is the inciting incident. This is the day after tomorrow. By the way, I found out that's 10 years old this year. Get ready for summer blockbuster.

Stravaganza, 2014. And yeah, so that's what's going on. And apparently these monsters are really good killing machines, except that for one reason, for no reason, they're blind. Well, you know, this is what's really great, Steve, because you know what? It's a disabled race of monsters

that's still able to get out there in the world and do a great job at what they're doing. It's very fair. It's very fair in this movie. A bunch of rabid grandfathers. They're blind. They smell your fear. Like... Wait, wait. Wait, I'm not.

I'm sorry. All grandfathers can smell fear. Of course they can. That's what I was hoping he would clarify. Let's all be serious here for a moment. What is going on in that ivory tower? I can smell it on you, Chris. You scaredy cat.

So they are, they smell fear quite literally, incredibly literally. That's how they can see you and that's how they kill you. And only one man in the whole world has created this technique. called ghosting in which you suppress fear entirely and you become an awesome warrior with this kind of cool two-sided blade. And you were probably really

wondering, you know, what that, you know, that thing was called and why it was called that way. Because you need to know that shit. No, you don't. Shut. That's what I hate about this movie. Is that like 50% of this at least is just him saying

something, oh well that's like a flying dibedore and explaining then what the species is, why you saw it, and all this bullshit that I don't need to know. Well, that's the problem with a lot of these, you know, these new sci-fi worlds that were making up. I'm looking at you avatar, right? It's like, it's all this new shit. And there's so much gobbledy good getting thrown at you all at the same time that instead of like, you know, Star Wars, where it was like, here's a wookie. What's a wookie? Well, that's a wookie. Well, this is like, it's you need a glossary. You need a glossary. You need a glossary. You need a glossary. because they're explaining everything and the history of this fucking monster

and why it's blind and blah, blah, blah. And that's the thing, and that's, like, I think the number one rule of science fiction of any kind of fantasy or fantastical storytelling is it's the real world and then we're accentuating this, we're accentuating that, we're changing that, and we're changing this.

This is like, there's no buttons on anything. Everything is so, like, there's spacesuits that change color for no godem. Like, every single thing has to be so fantastical and so different than anything you've ever seen before. You have to spend an hour and a half just learning what the fuck's going on. Well, as this is a movie that is trying, I mean, the whole purpose is selling you on Jayden Smith acting in something again. Oh, it's a real.

Which I'm not on board for at all. Still, I've seen this movie now three times. Jesus. Whoa, wait a second. What? So you saw it for the show. Yeah. You saw it for show research.

Did you have to write a review for this? Yes, I did. You poor fucker. It was awful. But that ivory tower has made an ivory. tears. Yes, yes it is. But the thing is

what I think all this was was just a trial run for the Mega Man movie. Because he's got this suit on that just changes colors depending on which world you're in. Yeah. I don't think they say this, but I spent the whole movie

thinking they did say it, that the suit was made out of mood material. I mean, I wouldn't hold it against this movie. I don't have 100% confirmation, but it's not out of the realm. Because one thing I did want to point out, Steve, when you were talking about the smelling the fear and the whatnot, the narration says, quote, they literally smelled our fear. Well, thanks a lot. Put a fucking star on that Christmas tree.

So this is the world we're in. Lil General's got his big daddy general, who's emotionless. He's just a total robot. This whole ghosting thing has really started to affect his personal life. You know what I mean? And the kid, the kid, Jaden Smith, is, he's like in the academy. Because for some reason, they have like this space army. The Rangers.

Yeah, they're just Rangers for some reason. I guess they patrol the galaxy. Because there's this race of aliens that are throwing monsters at us, but nobody can give us the time of day about what these aliens are doing. It's just they fly in, dump a monster, and leave. Because you don't have a villain. That's what I need. in this movie is a fucking villain.

You know what? The villain was ourselves. Oh, wow. Yes, we did there at the same time. That's pretty great. Yeah, there's no one else is allowed to speak in this movie outside of the Smith clan.

And at that point, bring in Jada. She could be the evil fucking queen. If we have to have people from this brood and this brood only speaking dialogue, then bring her in as the evil queen. That was the other thing about me confusing this movie with Oblivion again because when he's just tool,

it around on earth i was like all right and uh morgan freeman's coming out right ah no that's oblivion again isn't it yeah god damn it's just another giant bird this guy really likes his giant birds so he doesn't get admitted to the rangers he's like really good except he's got like an attitude or something well he he's he's not perfected ghosting he's still a bit a bit of a jump afraidy cat to borrow chris cabins expression or chris cabins's grandfather's expression so yeah so he's he's not fit for duty yet and he's like but my dad's coming home and he's gonna be so mad and it's actually my favorite piece of acting is this surly general not the little general the surly general or the the the drill sergeant it's just like he's like

but my dad's coming home and it really needs to be a special day for my family he's like tell your dad i i appreciate a service it's like great like get the fuck out of my office kid Oh, yeah, it's so awesome. I mean, it's really, it's like a student, like, going to a teacher, like, if you got, like, a B minus on a paper, you wanted to get the B plus or the A on, and he's just like, you can't do this to me. I'm going to go home, and it's the belt is really what's going to happen. Like, he's so scared. He's so scared. And, like, I don't blame him because fucking Will Smith, jolly old Will Smith plays a fucking hard ass in this movie.

It's useless. Let's talk about his performance. It's useless. He's so bad in this movie. And here's the thing. Will Smith has made bad movies. Oh, plenty. That's fine.

But Will Smith is a charismatic, entertaining, talented dude. And in this movie, 95% of his performance is him sitting in a chair mumbling. He doesn't get up because he has broken legs throughout most of this movie. Or playing with his leg. Yeah, doing all sorts of put sippy straws between this. This artery and that artery. I mean, there's just nothing to this performance. And I don't know if that's like, you know, he's trying to direct this kid.

He's trying to direct this movie. He's got so much pressure going on. He refuses to, you know, give an inch to Sharmel on here. The problem is, and I mean, like, a lot of people have gathered great careers playing robots, all right? And, like, Schwarzenegger is one of them. It's for people that it's very easy to play a robot to slow yourself down and measure yourself. speaking and be cold and distant but that's when your greatest asset is your charisma what are you doing there like yeah how do you have a movie that you're in and there's not one memorable will

smith line yeah where's the welcome to earth where's give me a woo just give me a woo will smith he's in play of action movies but he's a comedic actor yeah that's where he comes from and that's what made that fucking irobot so terrible is because he's fucking super serious and yeah he's no nonsense in that movie. And he's kind of hilariously part robot because he's got like a robot arm and he's like disgraced by it. He's yelling at Alan Tudick for no reason. That movie fucking

sucks too. Also 10 years old. Ooh, I'm so excited for the summertime. The pursuit of happiness was fine because he's like a put upon father, but he is kind of still like there's a bit of a glint of hope and humor and

levity in it. And that's what I fucking need from a god of Will Smith's performance. Christ on the cross. I don't want Steve Correll showing up like a robot. You know what I mean? I don't want Steve Carell playing fucking major hammer. I don't need it. Well, that's what like even in that very super uber mediocre movie the way

way back last year. Like Steve Correll's the bad guy in the movie. He's like an asshole. Yeah. But he's still funny and there's like things going on and he's actually acting. Like Will Smith, I really really, really believe that there was just too much going on and he's like I just have to sit here and not move

and think about anything else other than directing this movie like I can't think about my own performance because I'm trying to fucking live vicariously through my 20 year old son like I'm trying to regain that youth I have to go back through him it's really creepy it's really the whole thing is like you

just listen think about what I would do Jaden and just do that and you'll be fine but that's not just him directing the kid though that's what the character does in the movie because he's like he the whole thing is the the ship crashes for those people who haven't seen the ship crashes on earth

And everybody has killed, except for the two of them. One of the odds. And Will Smith's legs are broken, so he can't walk across. It's like 100 kilometers to get to this other part of the ship where this radio transceiver is. They've got to send a rescue beacon up. So he's like, listen, you just got to go out and do this by yourself. I'll be in your ear constantly, though. I'll have cameras strapped all over to you so I can see everything that you see.

And I'm going to tell you what to do through this radio. It's really fucking puppet master stuff. It's fucking Metal Gear Solid. And he's all the other people. Snake, you want to go 30 clicks to your left. Ooh, Snake, remember that one time? Like, fucking shut up and let me kill this guy. Which is my school of video games, clearly.

It's like he's got the Star Fox team inside. He's got Slippy in the gang. Won't want him. Boo, boo, boo, boo, dab it. You're going to lose it, Fox. Your father helped me like that, too. He's dead. Yeah, I would love a fucking Falco in this thing.

If he's just walking around a falcon and a white coat who's just giving him grief the whole time, even though he's secretly worse than fucking Jaden Smith in this scenario, I hated fucking Falco. Falco, shut up. Just shut up. Get out of my spaceship, Falco. But you can go and take your troubles to Hopper. Pepe. Peppy, yeah.

Peppy was a nice, a genteel, older man. Peppy was the one that was like a mom. month away from retirement. So every time Peppy went down, I always felt a little bad. Oh, no! Oh, Fox. Oh, shit. Pepi's the one who's asking you how

you're doing it, and he means it, man. He really does. He wants to know. Slippy is fucking private pile. Everyone's just fucking he's got all sorts of bruises on his stomach. I would love it if you get to see like a prequel to Star Fox

and it's like Star Fox boot camp and Slippy like kills the drill sergeant that goes in the bathroom and tries to blow his brains out. Hey, Fox. You just see Falco putting like oranges in his socks. A bunch of space oranges. In full metal jacket, it was soap bars by the way. Oh really? Oh yeah. Private Pile got a big old soap bar beating. All right, here's here's another question. Let's let's jut out to another huge weird thing in this movie what's going on with

the fake accents i don't it's it's to the utmost that that rule of like only accentuate the things that matter yeah why the fuck do they have to have fake new zealand accents like i'm watching fucking the bad scenes

in attack of the clones look to you jangle fett i don't i it's like it's sort of that but then he kind of like rostifies it by oh six percent you know but I don't know what this voice is but they're all doing it and I think it's supposed to be a thing where it's like it's a thousand years in the future we've been living on this new planet so you know there's no such thing as a New York accent anymore we all kind of like just blended into something but ladies and gentlemen I mean this this accent is so terrible doesn't add anything like I don't know what you what you thought this was going to add to your movie that's what I really want to know it adds nothing as a matter of fact it takes away from it because I'm spending so much of the movie going, wait, is he talking weird or not? What is

going on? Exactly. It's too, it's even like even if he went like really far and like did like, almost a British accent and something terrible like I'm like, oh, Will Smith's doing a funny accent. No, but it's just this little bit lilted the needle is just slightly one way or the other.

They're dropping R's sometimes, but not other times. The O's are like really long and there might be a W at the end of every single one of them. Like, I have no idea what's happening. And he's talking so goddamn low through the entire movie. It's Mumble's mouth. That's all it is. I had to jack up the sound on my fucking TV because I can't understand what the fucking word he's saying in this action, action movie. It's, it's unreal. And of course, by the way, we're flying

across the galaxy. It's one last job for Will Smith, obviously. Right. And of course you have to transport this humongous scary monster. This is, all right, so this is the thing that I think I missed because I was trying to decode this accent. Why is this monster on board? I don't understand it. It's the only, according to the narration that Lil General sets up the beginning of the movie, it's really the only problem we have as a society at this point are these monsters. Why are we traveling across the galaxy with one of them down in the cargo hold? In a rickety jar that's just like shaking on the thing. Looks like a fucking honeycomb. It is a honeycomb. I'm pretty sure this is what is. I think.

they're handing it off as if he's like an international criminal to a different topic this monster's not going up on charges no no no well they're dropping it off to something no they're dropping it off to something no it's for training purposes it's like oh we're bringing them to Alpha 7

for the training camp because they're trying to train other people how to ghost how to ghost yes exactly okay here's the thing about these monsters these monsters are intense they're like eight feet tall 12 feet wide no faces No face, no eyes, just mouths, and they have a bunch of claws on them.

So that's a close range kind of monster. Why the fuck don't we use guns? Where are there any space? Wouldn't it make sense? Why would you have a sword to fight a huge monster like this? There's no guns, there's no lasers? The laser cannons, no grenades? What's interesting is that you would think that, but then at, like, the zero hour,

you find out it has another way of killing people, and that's alien spit. Oh, yeah, it's got acid spit. Yeah. Where was that in your narration? little general. Yeah, I would have liked that. That would have helped. That's pertinent information because then when I'm watching the movie, I'm like, look out, little general, that ass.

Dude, the Lafasaurus. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Oh, man, it totally is a way night alien race. He's getting vengeance on the world by creating monsters like the ones that killed him. At the end, like a ship

comes down and meets Jaden Smith. It's just a dark cloaked figure just comes out. And it's fucking Dennis Nedry with the scarred face from the He got out And he's lived for a thousand years And it's like Gathering Earths across the galaxy

Dude I think this is what this Jurassic World might be about And it's like the end of that shitty Lost in Space movie where he takes his cloak off And he's a Dolophosaurus For no goddamn reason Oh man That movie's a big fat pile of crap too

So it's a video game He's got a video game map And it's like this is a map You need to collect And you have these tokens your little life bar is when your life bar runs out which is the oxygen for some reason instead of a matter like the oxygen on earth isn't good for us anymore question mark

well because I mean it's we we destroyed the planet we've changed like the chemical compound of earth so he's got these little you know they look exactly like that shit Tracy Morgan was hucking for a while those little power boost that you put into water oh yeah yeah they also look like containers for bubble tape I was gonna say birth control bubble tape might also

Yeah Birth control is pretty close You gotta take it once a day Yeah he's just got I mean you know They also kind of look like plastic jelly cookies I was thinking jelly cookie the whole time too But yeah you got you got all these things

And by the way folks Don't be fooled by any of this This movie is a real We're trying to set up a whole Star Wars franchise There were books that came out Like there's a book that was published Before this movie to like give you some backstory on what's going on.

There was a book that came out after the movie came out to anticipate the DVD release. Every bad movie has a fucking graphic novel prequel these days, and I can fucking don't need any of it. But you know what? Salt Truck, saving the world. But you know what Star Wars had?

It's fucking characters. Wall to fucking wall characters. Furry ones, scaly ones, evil ones, good ones. Wasn't it just all like fucking IKEA design toys that you breathe out of and shit, who gives this shit? And lush pastures.

Like, who gives... I don't need... That's the thing is that there's nothing... Like, ruins would be interesting. Yeah. Anything that... Anything that diversifies the scenery would be interesting. It's just overgrown grass, the entire movie.

Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's middle earth. Like, that's all, you know, he's walking through middle... Like in New Zealand, yeah. And also, though, it's also a weird... Like, now it's become... an arena from the Hunger Games because they make a point to say everything on Earth has evolved to kill

humans, everything. How and why if humans left a thousand fucking years ago? I don't get it. And also it's also like it gets so cold at night that after a certain hour everything just frosts over and he's running out, he's trying to outrun

frost the way they outrun that fucking gas cloud and catching fire. It's the same shit. It's the same thing as the happening when there was that scene where it's just the wind blowing and people running away from it. Uniquically, the happening

is a better movie. Yes, yes. And a much more watchable movie, I'd watch that movie three times in a row before those things. I had the thought, because I didn't see last Airbender, so the last Shyamalan experience I had

was the happening. And I was like, God, I wish I was watching the happening right now. I so wish I was watching the happening. Because it's a specific, interesting kind of crazy where you're like, Wait, what? You know, like, I want to do that as opposed to like, oh, come on.

It's wildly miscast. There's a lot of badness there. This is just boring as fuck. It's such a snooze. Like, I know I said it at the top, but it's such a snooze. And it's all math, you know, because it's like, all right, Jaden, here's your supplies. And it's, again, it's, it really, he says check your inventory. Not a joke.

Yeah. Like a fucking, like, like, like we're playing Final Fantasy 12. He has to check his little inventory. See his party's health. Now, Link, link, find your flying. Yeah, exactly, go to the other planet. Except no one has fucking charisma points in this movie, that's for sure. Zero charisma for the both of them.

Zero charisma, zero XP. Nobody's going to a marketplace to buy a fucking wooden shield. You know why? Because a marketplace would have to have a person working in it. And heaven forbid he talks to somebody other than his fucking father in this movie. The most animated, closest thing to a supporting character in this movie is that big fucking bird. Yeah. That big bird is just, who practically talks.

We'll get to the dumb bird. Yeah, oh, man. So the whole, the whole thing is you just have to walk. It's a Lord of the Rings mission. He's got to walk from point A to point B and fucking do something. And speaking to the Lord of the Rings, the thing that he has to walk to is on top of a giant fucking volcano mountain. Well, heaven forbid everybody.

Well, no, actually, it's next to a volcano mountain. But the Volcano Mountain comes in handy, of course. And, yeah, it's just like you have, you have, five cremulex of breathing air to get there. And if you, you know, you should have exactly enough. And they show you the miles and you have a little notepad that comes with you in the theater to do the math. So that that's exciting, right?

Like, oh my gosh, he's 2.3 cremulac short. How's he going to make it? And because, one, this is a terrible story. But two, because it's a terrible movie on the whole, he's Will Smith spelling this shit out. And you're just like, all right, well, if Will Smith's telling him now that, he's got the exact amount of inhalers that he needs to get across

the landscape that he has to get across well they're going to break and he's not going to be able to use him somehow I can almost guarantee you that well and speaking of Avatar like that's a sentence that can't end well well this I give that movie is that

the entire environment because it's all green screen the entire environment is consistently alive and consistently awe is spire and on the big screen specifically it looks incredible yeah this i mean the fucking the new zealand stuff is true it is just fucking plain old planet but like even the creatures it's just a band it's a a band of baboons yep yeah he's just out running some monkeys at one point again like your hunger games yeah yeah exactly right like

here's the thing you've given this planet a thousand years yeah like it's okay if there's monsters will smith it's fine maybe you know what we're in a world where supposedly aliens exist we haven't seen them but there's aliens that run these monsters maybe other aliens found earth at that point you know and someone has colonized it someone did something other talking aliens probably played by mark strong

like i'm fine with it i'm really okay with it instead all we get is the same animals that we know but they're just bigger and more fierce like that bird it's just a gigantic super vulture. That's all it is. It looks exactly the same. The biggest thing of evolution that they have, and I get it, evolution takes millions of years,

and we've only given ourselves a thousand, but it's science fiction so you can do whatever. But the biggest leap in anything other than size is a snake that can jump from one place to another. Yeah, the flying snake, by the way. That's something out of Mario 2. That's all that is. I wanted Jaden Smith to pick up a huge white,

radish out of the ground and throw it at him. That was so stupid. And you know what? If the Flying Snake is voiced by Ben Kingsley, it's actually points plus. Oh yeah. Oh, points on movie. And if the fucking score could just get out of its own ass and play something as jaunty as

bumperda-d-lid-lil-liddle that's one of my favorite video game scores. It's fantastic. That's another thing, by the way. Keep going back to oblivion. That M-83 score is gorgeous, man. The music in that movie is phenomenal. Take that, this movie. It's all fucking piano ballads and just like, he's gonna die. He's gonna die. Is it James

Newton Howard? Someone kind of big did the music for it. It's just Newton Howard. This episode's brought you in part by Rocket Money and they have this question for you. They handed to me just now. Mr. Rocket just handed me this. Do you know how much your subscriptions really cost? Most Americans think they pay around $80 a month on subscription services, but the actual total is closer to $200. If you don't know exactly how much you're spending every month, you need Rocket Money.

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You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling in dough. I lived at home until I was about 25, and for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time, and the last piece, which didn't come until my early 30s, was therapy. And man, I wish it came along sooner. Ever since I started sitting down with a licensed therapist, I've had a place to voice my insecurities

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash WHM today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash W-H-M. Here's another thing that really bothered me story-wise with this. So it's like we have to find out why it is Will Smith is such a douchebag in this movie. And we're going to find that out through useless flashback. of their older kid getting murdered by one of these alien monster things. Zoe Kravitz, who plays the daughter,

has nothing to do. She's working with nothing, the poor girl. Yeah, I... And she's the only other character that has, like, a speaking point... I mean, other than the wife, but the wife is in for two scenes. Sophie Ocunato from a hotel Rwanda,

who's... There's a movie where she proved that she's a great actress, and she's just given fuck all nothing to do in this movie. She's in two scenes at the beginning, basically telling Will Smith to stop being an asshole. Hey, could you, uh, light up on our son? No.

Okay, then. That's her. That's what she does for the movie. Well, I tried. I tried. She's a real George McFly. Fucking dormant. But you don't God me, Will Smith.

Just put the second coat on now. Yeah, so Zoe Kravitz, right? Like, she's the older daughter. There's flashbacks where... We see her die like nine times of this movie. It's the same footage, by that way. Really cheap, $60 million movie. So basically, way back when apparently, like,

this monster got into their house, you know, just, just... There's a monster in the house. And she's, like, turning to be a ranger. And she's like, okay, little brother who's probably, like, eight or something. She puts him in, like, a plant bubble. Like, which will close...

which will, you know, stop his scent of fear. So the thing won't ever find him in there. But, of course, she has fear, and then she gets stabbed in the fucking heart by the monster's pincer. She gets Clark Gregged. Yeah, she does. And it's funny, that's the same bubble

that Will Smith put M.I. Shamaulun in during the shooting of the movie. You know, it'll smell you, night. Get in here. Just get in here. No one can smell your suggestions on set. You know, and he, Here's the fucking thing, okay? Yeah, he's been a Hollywood punching bag for 10 plus years, whatever. M. Night Shyamalan has directed way more movies than Will Smith. Like, you know what, man?

Let him direct the movie. Like, there's nothing to him in this. And the poor bastard, like all these previews, nothing about an M. Night Shyamalan film. Nothing. And, I mean, the problem isn't so much that it's, oh, a nice show of a movie it's it's the script the script in this movie is so fucking

horrendously bad from top to bottom there is this I this is a line that I don't know how you would put it into any other movie but a monster movie this is your creation this is what Will Smith tells Jane Smith at some point

during this little adventure he's having yeah well I want to talk about Will Smith's dialogue in this movie because there was a lot of like stuff when this flick came out about how it was like a Scientology movie and you know there's all the speculation that he's a Scientologist these days and I was like

alright I don't see how the like plot wise like on the outside I don't know how this is a Scientology movie it's a Scientology movie because every not every but 90% of Will Smith's dialogue sounds like Scientology motivational speaking it's all the shit about like

suppressing fear and clearing your head and all it's it's fucking Tom Cruise in Magnolia like that's what he sounds like when he's talking to this kid it's all platitude after platitude and it's just like that's not character that's just bad you're just saying buzz lines

from a shitty seminar yeah like that's all it is it sounds straight from the brochure honestly it's no exactly right everything he said could be read out of a Scientology pamphlet it's all about like like he's talking to the kid like he's explaining ghosting right this whole idea of how you're ghosting and he's like I'll let you

in a little secret he's like fear isn't real fear is something that you create in your head danger is real. Don't confuse danger and fear. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. That's a scene I wanted to talk about. Fucking Tony Robbins bullshit. It's a scene where the kid

who has just been poisoned and we had to watch the 10 minute poisoning scene. Oh man, it just looks like he's got a shellfish allergy. I thought he ate a shrimp. To escape the monkeys, he goes in the water and he comes out with a big fat leech on his hand and he's like, oh no.

It's a real, oh fuck. He's puffing up like a shitty I don't even like a like a like a parody movie gag and and for some reason his suit which detects danger turns black when he's in danger turns white when I think he's fucking cold cold and it turns blue when he's fucking got a shit you know like green when he's horny it's green this entire movie it's brown when he's a little sick but I'm sorry well the whole see he asks him like well how did you how did you learn how to ghost oh right yeah and he gets He gives him this whole story about, you know, one, Eursa took me under water, and it put its pincer in me, and I thought I was going to die. Right.

And then I just decided to take the pincer out. Wow. Well, great. Yeah, good, good job. That's all you have to do, the ghost, to become invisible to these fucking things. It's just that thing, like, that fucking Tom Cruise thing, like, I'm not fat because I don't fucking have that in my mind or whatever, you know, like, whatever that bullshit is, like, you're only homeless because you want to be.

Like, no, people are fucking homeless. actually. Yeah. Like people nobody wants to be homeless. It happens. No,

exactly. And I was outside in the cold and I thought I don't want to be outside in the cold anymore. So then I went into a store and I tried to sit down. And then I got kicked out.

Because I'm homeless. Because I'm a homeless man. I smell. It's just, it's all such bullshit. Every fucking line out of his mouth. And all he's doing, and that's what's frustrating

about it because all he is allowed. to do because of the character's broken legs is sit and just dispatch this advice. And it's infuriating because he's the one I'm paying to see. If I'm paying $14 fucking dollars for a Will Smith movie and it's not filled with other characters that I may or may not want to see, I don't want to get tricked into seeing his son. And I saw some disparity about like, you know, like nepotism has always existed in Hollywood. Absolutely it has. And it's not always terrible.

you know what I mean? Like some people, there's some great actors that come, that are sons and daughters of other actors and so on and so forth. But movies, this is not the case that was brought up to refute it was the movie Cadence. But Charlie Shee, which is Charlie Sheen Martin Sheen. Yeah. But Charlie Sheen was an established actor on his own steam. I mean, like, not entirely on his own steam. But like, he didn't start acting with dad until it was, until they both had names and they could both be billed side by side. Yeah, exactly. Like, by the time they're in Wall Street together, everyone's doing their own thing. And it's like, yeah, it's fun to act with my dad. Like, that's fine. Granted, Charlie Sheen, like, you know, I'm sure it was easier for him than it was the thousands of other actors that looked a lot like it that didn't make it. But here's the other thing, though, that's, honestly, it's time will tell, but it's going to be a huge qualifier. Like, yeah, whatever. He's kind of a little bit of a nut job now and whatever.

Charlie Sheen's a good actor. He is. he's a very good comedic actor those fucking hot shots movies are hilarious and he's a good he's a good dramatic actor like this kid stinks man and that's like you know the shit happens like it's really hard to be the second coming of will smith because will smith is such a like hurricane personality especially when your dad's forcing you to be taken seriously when you're still that old dude the karate kid did great nobody gives a shit about how you act because you're the karate kid and you're just kicking things and talking to you're talking to you to Jackie Chan maybe. Right. Yeah, you got Jackie Chan pretending to be Japanese or whatever. And that's fine. And you can do those kind of movies for a while. Why on earth would you ever want to push your little teen kid into doing this stupid, boring movie where you're just talking? It's like fucking worse than a David

Mamet play. I think it's because in a lot of ways he's like, man, my steams, you know, I'm kind of running out of my own steam here. Like when was my last honestly when was the last big will smith movie in black three men of black three yeah but was it though i mean it didn't it didn't money i mean it didn't money i mean it wasn't like it was certainly didn't do the first two movies money it didn't capture the culture's imagination but uh well i feel i mean i guess whatever like box office aside i mean

that's just it's another men in black movie you know what i think an original creation yeah that's been it's been a while it's been quite some time and so i just feel it's like okay you know i'm like he's fucking doing this third bad boys movie it's like I gotta do something and maybe if I can make my kid a star then he'll let me be in his movies and I can keep going which is so stupid because

you're Will Smith and you'll obviously bounce back at some point or you do a thing like Ali which you're fucking great in that movie like you've proven yourself on both ends of the coin stop shoving your kids down my throat well I just wonder if he's bored to tear or if he's just done with the whole and if he is just say

it just fucking be done with it because you're will you are Will Smith, you can do whatever project you damn well like. Yeah. Well, right out of time here, by the way. You keep making these after-earts. We'll talk. You keep it up with these

after-earths. We're going to have words. Hey, what is the obsession with Moby Dick in this movie? I feel like because Moby-Dick's all over this movie. I feel like no one making this movie knows the story of Moby-Dick. Nope. I don't. Probably not.

You know, because the whole thing would, you would think, Because everyone's talking about Moby Dick. Everyone's reading Moby Dick. Everybody's obsessing. Trying to impress Will Smith. It's clearly his favorite book for some reason. But you would think then that the story that we're on is a story that's going to reflect the story of Moby Dick. And that just does not happen.

So what are we even talking about? Because no one's obsessed with anything. Really, there's no obsession. You have to be fixated on a thing or an animal or a person. There's a big monster, but no one's obsessed with it. It's just like these things hunt us. need to kill them. Oh my gosh. There's a fucking Ursa out there. Be careful.

Yeah, the Ursa is like a total third act afterthought. It's not the focal point of your thing. He's not constantly thinking about like, man, if the movie was, his mission is to retrieve this Ursa, capture it, kill it, because it can't contaminate the planet or whatever.

Reproduces. Yeah, maybe it reproduces asexually. So it's like, oh, we got to kill it or it's going to be a planet or Ursus. Then yeah, fine. Then you're obsessed. Then the Mobu-Dick parallels there. This is just like, oh, that's a famous book, right? Oh, they all love it. All right.

Is that it? If one of the aliens were fucking Starship Troopers was the villain. Imagine they're doing all that shit. It's just one of those little things. That's what, and who gives this shit? Like, for this to really work, you also have to have him really,

like, react to the atmosphere. And it's not like, his suit certainly does. And that's wonderful. But I need him. to be like to be like curious and want to like do it but like since he's so on this one track and they made it part of the story so really has nothing to do with jaden at that point yeah but like this strict thing about like you listen to your fucking father and you only what your fucking father does so and when you do break rake you got still be an asshole

about it remember what like when he decides not to listen to his father finally yeah and jumps off the clip and of course it's the one moment where you're just like oh this is almost kind of what this movie should be. He's flying and there's a bird behind him. Okay, yeah, maybe. Yeah, he's got like a flying squirrel suit as well. It's like one of the buttons he could push. It's like, yeah.

And of course, like, if you could fucking fly, what are we doing here? What do we waste our time for? But what's ridiculous though is, here's why this scene doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Because he gets to the end of this, he gets to the cliff, right? And he's like, all right, well,

you might as well come back kid because you don't have enough oxygen pellets to clear your lungs out whatever you know you're all out of birth control you got nothing left but the placebo tabs you know what i'm saying so like you gotta you gotta just come back you tried your best come back here and die with me yeah and you see will smith he's back at the he's back at the ship and he's making a calculation and you see in the thing it says if the kid does this like sky jump he'll cover a lot more ground and he'll be able to work it out and still get there safely he never tells the kid that

it's okay to do that he never tells him that that's an option so he gets to the end and he's like, well, all right, it's the end. You can't come back. It's going to take you too long to get down the mountain, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then he just jumps off in this, like, fit of rebellion. Yeah. What are you doing? Where are you going? You have no idea what you're, what you're even doing. He never explains to him that that's a plan B. For no reason this kid has an incredible memory and knows the entire route by heart. Like, at a certain point, he goes to a cave and draws the route somehow and knows, and can calculate how far he's traveled and how far he has to make it. Yeah. So that's, I guess he just. I guess he kind of just, he kind of just,

He guesstimated that he made it. He did a little beautiful minding and figured it out that way. By the way, those caves, he goes into a cave at one point and there's like cave paintings. Yeah. And because I'm waiting for this Eminemite Shyamalan twist, I'm like, oh, wait a second. They're like the first race of people and he's going to come back. Oh, and it's going to be cavemen. And I was so waiting for cavemen for literally the rest of the movie.

I was like, come on, the cavemen are coming right. The Ursa, Bursa baby. It's a raptor. just straight now what is it cavemen and dinosaurs are a creationist in my house

get the fuck out of here I mean it's kind of the problem with and it happens to be more often that I like where I miss hear something about a movie

or I miss think something about a movie and it changes the entire tone such as the film a 12 years of slave which I went in seeing

thinking that for some reason Michael Fossbender raped Chaitoel etchafor. And I was like, oh, here comes that, here's that, here comes that climactic rape scene. And it's like, what? I know. I don't. Trust me. I know. I don't know where it came from. Were you reading, like, some blog by some, like,

super racist dude who was like, well, you know what else how bad happens in that movie? And Steve's like, this movie review is very scatling. I don't know. It's also like when I saw the film Catfish, and I thought it was about devil worshippers. Dude, you've got to start reading those descriptions. It's true story. I was like, oh, I went to my girlfriend.

I was like, oh, this movie's about devil worshippers. And she's like, what? And then the movie started so that she thought it wasn't about two. Because here I am lying to her for no reason. Was she like, what is the matter with you? I mean, you tell me there's devil worshippers in a movie and then there's approximately zero percent devil worshippers? I mean, I guess I kind of get it because most found footage movies now have some kind of devil worshipers. Yeah. I mean, come on. You tell me

there's devil worshippers in the movie and then the craziest thing I get is a nut so fat lady. Come on. Yeah. And by the way, fuck that movie. Fuck those people. Fuck that TV show. Fuck the whole goddamn thing. Catfish. Oh, oh, the buzz about catfish. After Sundance, the year that it played. Oh, Andrew, you got to see catfish. Oh, it's so

mind-bending. Oh, is it? I can't wait. Are there devil-wors in it? I'm a little scared to watch that movie. wow wow homina homina that movie that's that's a that's an on screen or a fucking yeah not to be seen it's just me recording myself

throwing up while watching the catfish TV show off my screen I don't want any of that so yeah he he guesstimates and now he's fighting this big fucking bird right the bird by the way like I said it would be third build in this movie so the bird

the bird and Dustin Hoffman is the voice of the bird I got away from my eggs Because that's what happened It turns into a bad Looney Tunes cartoon Yes it does Because he gets knocked out The bird puts the mama bird

Puts him in the nest With the baby bird And there's these fucking lions Cliving a tiger cat Comes out of the way It's some mountain lion looking things Like trying to get breakfast It just everything's off

And to the point of it again Like yeah Why don't we have like An evolved species of people that could fucking talk in this movie. Just, yeah, just, and I, and I get, because, because it's oblivion, and I think I'm just watching oblivion again, but that's the movie, you want the people that are there. There's got to be someone left on the planet, Will Smith, somebody besides the two of you.

I would even accept Jeremy Irons as the tiger cat. Jeremy Irons reprising his role as Scar. Be propit! A shining new. era is tiptoeing nearer and where do we feature just listen to teacher i know it sounds sorted but you'll be rewarded bravo yeah that's a lot of memory right that's a whole lot of i had that soundtrack and then jeremy irons goes through all the trouble of singing that song and jaden smith's only response is leave me alone leave me it's so flat and cardboardy it's i don't know why he's

He's talking to this fucking... He's talking to this cat. Get away, cat. Get away. It's a fucking lion. Because somebody's got to say something to somebody. And unfortunately, the tiger's not talking. And the bird practically and should, and I would love it, if it said, well, thank you for saving my babies.

Because it does repay him with a favor after he kills these fucking tigers. So yeah, he saves all the little babies There's one that just hilariously falls out the floor of this nest And just is never seen again And then, yeah, later in the movie We're kind of, we're going all over the place So it's fine later in the movie There's no plot to this movie, don't worry about it

He gets caught up in the frost that's chasing him And he falls over it Because by the way, the planet's got hotspots Much like a video game, it's got a safe zone you can get to So when it gets too chilly out You can go into the hot spot and recharge Save the next level. Yeah, it's a safe.

It's a fucking save point. Just hold the A button. Stupid video game movie. So he doesn't get to the checkpoint in time and he loses a man. But don't worry because he already gained enough XP points in the last stage. There was a green mushroom right there. Go come back here. Something starts dragging him and I was like, finally.

A person. His sea was found by somebody. It's Rutger Howard with a long beard, maybe. It's Stephen Tobolowski with a long beard. I don't care. Who the fuck has the long beard? Someone's got a long beard and they're saving this kid. It's Maya Angelou with a long beard.

And then you're like, all right, here it comes. And then it like fades to black. Kid wakes up. He's like nestled in like a little something, something. You're like, all right, you know, whatever. This crazy homeless Joe Pesci put him in this thing, whatever. And then he borrows

himself out and there's this bird just dead on the ground like froze to death or something I guess because whatever it doesn't explain anything in this movie I can't even get a Catherine O'Hara like last statement by the bird

like a dying declaration like for all the stuff that's front loading this movie all the exposition it stops once they get back to earth and there's just nothing explained and the bird's just dead and I mean this is the worst line delivery

of all time hey thanks just flat as a Panini sandwich man like it's ooh pinini it's so bad

I mean he's he's so bad on some I even think there was this this great scene I'm not to take us all the way back um well he said a great scene so uh

docked five XP points right there yeah you're going back to your checkpoint um when when they crash land and uh will Smith tells them like you essentially clean up the ship a little bit. There's this cutaway of him throwing bodies into a hole. Oh, yeah, that's great. It's great because the shot of him, he throws a body in,

and then the face he makes is as if he had like, like by accident squished a bug. Yeah, well, it goes along with this, like, just empty yourself of everything, you know what I mean? Just clear your head, just clear your head. And then fucking Zinu's going to come into your soul. clean out your mind juice to be fair he does wind up talking to one other person than will smith and that's the ghost of uh zoa kazan because because why not at this point he builds a raft

that's zoa czzi cravat zoi cravitz he builds this raft to go down the river and it's actually a very smart move like you know you're on this raft you're not going to get bothered by monkeys or birds or mountain lions or that alien that we've all forgotten about so he's going and he's you know fuck it take a nap because why not yeah sure and then And then he's just having this dream where there's like a ghost of his sister. I'm like, no, that's not this movie. But you've got to talk to somebody eventually. Like that's, you know, we can't all make all is lost.

Like somebody's got to say something in this movie. So it's, and it's just a nothing bullshit thing where it's one, it's, it's the kind of hallucinations that I hate where he gets information from her and gets the opinion of a ghost. Yeah. Like, that's just impossible. And she's like, dad's not mad at you. He's mad at himself for letting me die. No, he's mad at me because I didn't come out from under the glass dome and of you. He would have to know that himself to get that in a dream.

Exactly. That's why I hate stuff like this because a problem gets solved by a totally fake way. Like, it's impossible. It's impossible that he would make the mental connection and solve that issue for himself. And then she's like, hey, wake up. You got to wake up. He's like, no, no, no. I enjoy sleeping.

And then she's got a zombie. be face for no reason. Wake off. I'm a monster now. Because fuck it. I think that was like, M. Night Shyamon was like, can she please just be a monster? Can I just have one piece of input here? She's a monster. Give me one scare. I just want one scare.

I'm kind of a horror guy. You know, just give me one scare. That's all. Will, Will, Will, will, can I get the camera? Will, will, will, can I have the camera? Well, you got you got to get back down under your glass dome, buddy. They're going to smell your fear. This executives are going to smell your fear.

I got to tell you, Sony owes it to M. Nightshot. Like, M. Night Shyamlon better have some. I know he's working on like a TV show. That sounds a little like twin peaksy, so I'm like, I don't know. But they owe him something for, for, I mean, not that his name is, you know, Hollywood Gold or whatever, but he's really dragging himself through the mud here. And it's not his fault. No, not necessarily. I mean, you just, you want him to do, like, anything at this.

But, like, that's what I actually, it's funny because I saw last ever. Bender, I'm like, that's the worst. I mean, that's just got to be the worst thing he's ever done. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. What's he going to do next? Make a movie with Will Smith and his kid where Will Smith writes it and directs it. I mean, that's crazy. Well, and the thing is that I prefer last Airbender because at least shit's happening consistently

in that movie. There's people talking to each other, you know. Aren't they doing a lot of like Scott Pilgrim fighting? Yeah, there's a, like, there's a furry dragon. There's a whole, this movie could have used a furry dragon. I would have a furry dragon in the middle just to kill like the Ursa. at some point, that would be great. Even if he's like,

do sex Machina, I'm fine with that. The furry dragon is that, that's fine. Just, and, you know, I mean, he gets to level 12, right? And it's just, I mean, like, really, that's all it is. He gets all the way to the thing. And he's like, oh, my God,

I'm almost out of air pellets. I can't breathe. Oh, thank God I found more air pellets. Yeah, I found a whole draw full of air pellets. Here they are. Congratulations me. And, yeah, I mean, he listened. So then he gets there, right?

And there's, like, something in the ion. atmosphere so the flare gun the space flare can't go up so he's got to go to mordor yeah now here's where mordor comes in you got to climb mordor drop the one ring in let the fucking beacon go off it doesn't make any sense also like you have bad reception essentially yes he's yeah he's got bad reception how does standing on top of an active volcano get you better reception why don't you go to like a hill that's not a volcano yeah you're just on all those Well, and it's another thing of like, well, do you know what, do you know what, you know, lava does? Yeah, it's been a thousand years, maybe we forgot.

We were not on earth anymore. We don't know how lava. I don't think you can just like walk on rocks with lava like right next to you and not feel little heat. And I think your cell phone is going to maybe melt. You got that mood suit on, though. So who knows what kind of heat protection is. Yeah, he killed Heat Man in the last level. So now he could walk on fire.

Wasn't there, there was also a lava man. wasn't there? Man, fuck it. Let's make a Mega Man movie, ladies and gentlemen. Let's just do it. I mean, you get like, like, Disney to do like a quality C.G.I. Mega Man movie. You could get that going on. Animate it like the Incredibles. You're good to go. Well, that's the only good. And Paul Giamati is Dr. Wiley. It's got to happen. It has to happen. Get that Mega Man. I can't wait. Well, that's the only, like, the only, wait for that fake movie. really the only thing Peter Jackson If he keeps on making movies

Like the lovely bones Between these fucking Tolkien things Yeah In like 10 years They're gonna offer him to Zelda movie And he's gonna be the only guy Who could do it, right? I mean he's gonna be the only guy who could do it

As far as the future of Peter Jackson goes I mean I don't know a darn thing about Tolkien Are there any more books? I think we're out of it I think I have no You know what I have no fucking He's gonna take a collection of short stories

And turn them into four movies somehow This is correspondences He has put a fucking And he's gonna put Orlando Bloom in all of them Man is he padding out that fucking cast Just Just because Because there's not enough fucking

Pointeared fucks in that movie We gotta bring Orlando Bloom back Just so all the tumblers Can go a tumbling about him Was he You don't know Tumblr's work. They don't tumble. They do. Tumbles bound.

Is he in that first Hobbit movie? No, he's not. And it's just like back by popular demand. Some Lego Lost just walks in. And now he's like kind of in love and nobody gives his shit. Well, it doesn't you want the chick from Lost there? Yeah, yes he does. It's like putting Hans Solo

in like Harrison Ford would have fucking done this, but putting him in Phantom in Attack of the Clones. Like somehow he just showed on up. And it's like, no. Oh no, a time. War. And I know he's immortal and it fucking works out, but it doesn't work out. Well, I mean, Han Solo is

probably an elf, too. I wish he was. Speaking of this piece of shit, so he fucking, big surprise Predator reveals himself. Because he can be invisible. That's his other thing that he could do. He could make himself invisible. But for some reason, he's like the Romulins and he has to decloak to hit

people, which doesn't make any sense. Oh, wait a second. The alien can turn invisible? The alien's invisible, the entire movie, and then it decloaks itself. Oh, is that why those leaves are moving in that one scene? I had no idea what was... Because you probably can't understand what the word

invisible means. It's invisible. He turns invisible. I invisible. I invisible. That's their accent. That's their fucking stupid accent. Oh, so he's just like stalking him the entire time? Yeah, well that's a sense of danger that I never really found. No, he's not stalking the entire time, but does these probes looking for him and then like, I don't know, but he does, he does reveal himself to be a big, dumb monster. And like, I'm tired

of, and this is a fucking post-2005 thing where monsters are big, dumb, and over-designed. And they can't talk, they can't do anything. There's no performance in it. It's just a big fucking spider snake. It's a cloverfield, honestly. He looks like a cloverfield thing. If you put it together wrong.

If you were assembling a clover field and it was you and a three-year-old, it's what this would look. Like, the fucking leg is like in its head. It's like, it just makes no fucking sense. Just picture, like, a frustrated dad on Christmas morning. I get with this fucking Cloverfield together. God damn it.

Fucking play with it. I mean, if you just, like, took a big mutant worm and just stuck shit in it, that's what this thing looks like. It's so bad. And it just, it's useless. It's really, really boring to look at. It's not scary. You know, like, I'm thinking of, like, that movie, Priest has a bunch of dumb monsters like this. There's a ton of dumb monsters in them.

That movie's all dumb monsters. It's that. I mean, fucking last, uh, what's the, the other Will Smith movie where he's fighting zombies that have, like, the zombies are really stupid. I am legend. They're big, dumb, scary monsters for no good reason. They're like, they're, I mean, they're supposed to be vampires, but they're, they're monster vampires for no reason in that movie.

That's another turd Will Smith movie. At least I fucking got a little choked up because there was a dog that dies in it. He just murders that dog in that movie, God damn it. No thanks. No thanks. Your only friend. Yeah, your only friend. See, and that's the perfect movie for,

Will Smith because it's just Will Smith on screen. And he's Will Smith on it up with that dog, you know, he's having a good... That dog is a better scene partner than his own fucking son, I'll tell you that much. But that's another movie, and that's another movie that fails because he's fucking so self-serious the entire

movie. Yeah. Yeah. Where he's not making any jokes. I get it. It's the end of the world. Yep. I understand. Still, couple zingers, not just a that mannequin's flirting with me, right? It's like, I hope, come on. Now I'm thinking about the Mega Man movie and then there's a really sad

scene when he has to put Rush down But no, so here's what you do though dude, right? So like he thinks Rush is done for. Yeah. And like he leaves little Rush's like little Robo body behind and he goes And he goes and super jump somewhere else Right? I heard about your dog.

Oh, you got dog problems, huh? I can help you out with that. But then you see like Rush's little like Iron Man heart start to glow and then when Paul Giamati's Dr. Wiley's about to get him, Rush comes in and fucking bites his fat red mustache-oed throat. It would be great.

Once he's in his mechanized Tyrannosaurus or whatever the fuck, Dr. Wiley because it's a movie of Mega Man, it's definitely a more gigantic thing than Dr. Wiley ever put together. Oh, sure. Which means it's a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Well, because it was always just the same thing as Sonic. And who was the villain? Rubutnik.

Rebutnik. Like, he always just had the little thing with the little arms. They're going to come and get you. Oh, wait. I was thinking of Dr. Robotnik when I said he had a red mustache. No, he's got a white mustache. Dr. Wiley's got a white mustache, though. So it still works.

Paul G. Mighty can still do this. He could do both, really. Yeah, that's true. That'd be a dual role I'd love to see. So he fucking kills this big monster, right? He learns how to ghost. Like, what a shock. From second one, you hear that Will Smith's good at ghosting, and this kid sucks at it.

Obviously, this kid's going to do it at the end of the movie. Well, whoop-d-D-D everybody. But it still doesn't make any sense. Like, if I'm a big, dumb... How stupid are these fucking monsters? Like, this... Steve, they're not stupid. They're blind.

But no, that's exactly. If they were just blind, he could still kill... Yeah, why is he deaf? Like, there's definitely a part where he slides under the monster to grab his cell phone because he dropped it. And he slides and you hear like a bunch of, like, scraping sounds.

And then he uses his big, like, caprice sort. thing to stand up and he's clinking and clanging all over the place that this monster's like I can't smell him no more it's so fucking literally all of your hands are swords so just keep hitting

you'll get something eventually and this is total speaking of the Matrix by the way this is totally when Keanu starts seeing the ones and zeros like he has that moment of like oh mom I totally get everything now

yeah Oh, man, did it piss me off? Because the scene, so, okay, we've been waiting the whole time for him to ghost. He's got this cut on his hand or something. And he's lying on the ground with the fucking Ursa over him, and he's finally figured out how to ghost. And all Will Smith has to do to, like, you know, click it in is say, feel what's in your hand. Then all of a sudden, he can do it. And who gives a shit about all the fucking things you just watched?

because it wasn't building towards anything. You just had to feel blood in your hand, apparently. Yeah, he doesn't utilize anything he's learned on the rest of this adventure. At all. Oh, my palm. Oh, wait, there it is. Oh, I got, hey, I'm totally tripping balls now.

Hey, everybody, I'm invisible now. Oh, shit, mental illness isn't real. Okay, great. Let me kill something. Oh, my God, you're right. Baby vaccines are bullshit. Now I'm invisible to this monster. Yay!

So he kills the thing, then he runs up, he sets off this beam that is... I mean, this is a pretty powerful device, by the way. Oh, that's the one thing we forgot to say. One of the many sci-fi hooza-ma-fudges, let's make it different for different sake is we're not going to warp speed. We're not jumping like we do in some things. We're traveling. We have to travel. We have to, that's what, that's what warp speed or...

Like the hyperdrive is, it's called traveling? Yeah, he's like, oh, no, it's travel us. It's like, oh, uh, not even like engage the travel drive, which I guess you would have to... The traveler has arrived, the form of Will Smith. Ew. A hundred foot Will Smith, ew. But, yeah, it's travel us there. So they, like the verb, will you please try?

travel us to the... That's so dumb. And it's like that great UCB sketch where it's nutrition food. It's that thing where it's overly redundant. It's stupid. And that's what dumb dionetic sci-fi is. It's like just synonyming things for no good reason just because it's different than what you'd expect it to be called. Right.

Yeah. But yes, this beam goes, I don't know, millions of miles, hundreds of millions of miles. Kirk never used anything like this. No, he would be like, well, this is some science. This is some hot tech. Advanced. This is something. And also, like, if I'm firing at, you know, like, it goes up and it goes around.

So is it spanning the entire known universe? Sure. I guess so. Some fin monster on Jupiter is like, what the fuck was that? It would have to at least, like, it would be cool. Don't bother me with your problems, Earth. And it would be great. if it was like, and then it's going to take a year for anyone to get it

and a year for anyone to get here. Or, you know, like maybe two to five years. We're going to be on this planet because realistically, we're fucking wild. Yeah. Don't worry. They're going to travel. Yeah, they'll travel there. He does the beam.

It goes. It's Tron Legacy Blue. It's gorgeous. And then jump cut to the rescue party is on Earth. Nothing about like, oh, by the way, the kid is 100 kilometers away from Will Smith. How are you getting back there? Are you getting back there? Are you waiting for the landing party?

Will Smith already looks dead? No, yeah. And he is really close to dead because he's got like arterial problems and like, he's bleeding out all over the place. Yeah, which I still think kills you in the superfuture. Also, by the way, this was a question,

because like the extent of his injuries are pretty bad. Like he says that his legs are broken. And one of his arteries is busted and he's bleeding out all over the place. Does this whole like, I refuse to accept fear as a concept? also then trickle down to

I refuse to acknowledge pain as a real thing because he's like By the way my legs are broken So you're going to have to do this by yourself Mm-hmm Yep, that's all I got Well, apparently I'm not screaming Because my leg is broken at the thigh

You know what, Andrew? When Tom Cruise beats your grandson at basketball Then you'll fucking be laughing You'll see who's laughing then You know, I can't wait I saw that there was poison in my blood and that I had, you know, clotting constantly throughout my leg,

and that was probably going to chop it off. But then I took out the poison. And I took out the clots. I decided not to have broken legs anyway. That's honestly, I thought... Just do it then. Fucking go and help the kid. Yeah, I thought he was going to overcome something, something to go help him.

Because, right, that has to be sort of the biggest temptation for Will Smith. Like, so then I come in and save him, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. He's going to do it on his own and you're just going to stay in this chair dead. yeah but then i'm gonna save him somehow right no we we thought we'd leave it up to jaden to kill the monster he jumps off of mordor and then rush as like the flying platform comes and catches him and brings him back to will smith he's surfing down the lava stream on rush oh rush and then it's so crappy like they get back on the rescue ship and you know like will smith it mirrors something that happens at the beginning of the movie where this dude who got his leg blown on off. It's the guy from the blacklist in Homeland. He's in Homeland. He's the guy who's sleeping with Brody's wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, that's the weird thing. Like, all these other

actors are in this movie, but they've got nothing parts. So he's like got his leg blown off and he says, like, stand me up so he can salute Will Smith. Will Smith's on this table and he's like, stand me up so I can salute my son. And instead of saluting him back, the kid just like runs up and hugs him. Two things about that, the stand me up thing. One, we're in the super future where we have breathing packs and fucking swords made out of liquid metal we don't have fucking we don't we haven't figured out legs

yet we we still where's your doctor crusher thing where she just waves it over you and all of a sudden you're like it's like Dr. Crusher always had like that little like salt and pepper shaker that she just like waved over something and you were healed but like his this guy's leg is amputated and he doesn't have a prosthetic like why

why not what that dude my exact thought was where is that dude's robotic leg and unless it was a thing where he was like before you put me in surgery to install my robotic leg I have to thank Will Smith he's going on this mission I don't want to miss him it has to be in person and also if you're going to mirror that then Will Smith is missing a leg then

and all of the leg trauma that I know he's gone through he's got both his fucking legs I thought it was going to cut and Will Smith wasn't going to have any legs I really thought it was going to he was just going to be a fucking torso which would be something it would be any consequence or some sacrifice in that this movie. It would be cool. As if they're like starting to build his robot leg.

Yeah. It's so like you see like the exo part of it. Yeah, it's like early Vader. I'm up for that. It's that weird black robot that just keeps pricked Luke's hand like, feel this yet? You feel it? Because all this movie has done has told me that it's good at designing

things. So why not just design me up a fucking leg here? A robot leg. That's all I wanted. And then I might have not hated this movie, but probably would still. You're probably still going to hate this movie. I mean, you know what? And that's the end of the movie. He hugs him and he's like, the kid's like, I think I want to

go work where mom works. And Will Smith's like, yeah, me too. Credits. You're just saying in the military forever. Every last day of your life, you're staying in the military. And this meal was presented by Danny DeVito with diarrhea. And it's like, oh, great. Now I've got it too. Now here's the one

thing that I was pretty surprised about actually. How does this movie, with all the balls and gall that this movie has attached to it it's like built in fucking balls baggage here how do you not have a you're not going to believe this sequel set up i'm surprised too well there was i think that they really wanted to hedge their bets and be like look let's make it a complete movie we could always come back for a sequel which i think is smarter honestly like it's it makes the movie end at least you know i mean because you don't have a villain whose hand could come up from the rubble

that's true that's all and one of those mountain lines is going to come back or what? It would be great if they fucking cut to Jada Pinkett Smith and she's like green with horns and she goes, simply unacceptable. And then it's just like, that it goes to black. Well, why not? Because we never met that

alien race that apparently made enemies with the human race. There's a bunch of flying urses. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Get them, my pretties. If she was the Wicked Witch of the West, why not? Go for it. I mean, you know, they hedge their bets. I guess the movie cost

It's $130 million. Yeah. And it made all told worldwide just about $244 million. If I could create a soundboard, one of my favorites, and I just realized it again because I rewatch this movie over Christmas, is in Christmas vacation, Beverly DeAngelo's mother, when Clark, Clark Griswold makes the big, all the lights and everything, and he tries to put it on, it doesn't work. Yeah. And it's that big moment of deflation. And his mother-in-law just goes, oh, what a fantastic waste of resources this was.

And that's what this, that's what this movie is. Think about the fucking schools we could build and the goddamn, the people we could clothe and the food that this world needs. I mean, I mean, that is really the sign of the worst movies you see are the ones where you're like, oh, that money. You could, all that money. A disease could have been wiped off the planet.

Yet let's make a movie about curing cancer. You know, like, come on. So give it all to St. Jude's. Fuck it. Like, I would like that, right? Like, everybody gets, it's like a big prank, right? Like, everybody gets together. You know, they're putting a movie together.

And only, like, the director and the producer know what's going on. They get all the financing secured and all that shit. And they go, got you. Go to St. Jude's. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Oh, they did it again. That would be, like, really the most wonderful thing.

And then, like, you put the storyboards online. I'm like, A, we saved you from this movie. And B, we saved at least 10 kids' lives. Because this is like 130 million could probably save, what? Like, maybe probably 100 kids, actually. Yeah, yeah, you got a thousand, I don't know. A good 100 kids, I'd say. Yeah, that sounds about right.

A million dollars per kid? Yeah, you could save a kid for a million bucks. And then like the 30 million for the doctors and the, you know, the equipment and all that. And everybody gets paid, baby. It's great. Yeah, it's just, and it would be great was, then they're looking back on it. Like, man, I should have looked at what that movie was about more. clearly, because that's got to be a fake

movie. You're telling me it was just the two of them talking to each other on a radio for a hundred minutes? We got ghosted. One positive thing I will say about this movie was when I was sitting down to watch it, I was sure I was in for a two hour

and 30 years. Yeah, it's pretty short. It's a hundred minutes and, you know, that's probably I mean, I know probably about it. It's most definitely for the better that this movie's way under two hours. Still cut a lot. You can still cut a whole lot.

Get it to a nice, like, 90 minutes. Well, it's probably 90 minutes of original footage because that fucking Zoe, Zoe Kravitz's death is played and played again. I don't get that. Like, give me a different angle. Oh, anything. I wanted to bring that up because it pissed me off because of that scene where you see zombie, Zoe. Zombie. Coming this fall to Nick cartoons or whatever

Right after Icarly She might be a zombie But she still has to get through the sixth grade It's very pointed that she gets Like through the chest Like a big old right through the chest It's a Clark Greg death And how good would have been

Is if they're on that You know Jaden is imagining her And like she's giving this big speech And then all of a sudden like blood starts like collecting at her on her shirt and like this but no it's just a silly

like my eyes kind of bloodshot and there's blood in my hair kind of thing she's kind of got like a ripped off she looks like a bad walking dead extra yeah exactly

but it's only on half of her face it's ridiculous and like but you have to do one of two things either you don't have to be you don't have to be that descriptive about her death yeah

and then you could do whatever you like in your zombie thing or just make it so that the wound you put a 0.7 times in this movie the show maybe you want to have some continuity in there

maybe you want to try it maybe just for it because fuck it fuck it a hundred thirty million dollars you can't give me an accurate looking ghost final thing about this movie all that moby dick talks totally worth it because of the end we see this is such

who this is horseshit we see that since humanity has left earth what's been able to come back in full force but the whale population this spaceship takes off into the sky okay they're all they're going back to wherever the shit

they're from they're about to travel and we just got this ocean shot and there's a shit ton of whales in it and there's a thing where Will Smith in a flashback with Zoe uh Zoe uh cravitz is like she's like is it true we almost killed these things off

and he's like yeah you know we killed them for their oil and it was really bad and blah blah blah blah and she's like oh that's too bad then you just see the ocean is just filled with whales and it's like you're you're gonna have the audacity to tack on this like environmental message at the very balls end of this movie well i mean they start with it too the whole thing's like we ruined our like when he's saying we ruin our planet it's all floods and shit like we ruin the planet yeah i get that but like you're not you can't just say that at the beginning and then fart a shot of a 10 whales at the end of it they think they can though That's the difference. The book that I will someday write about all of my We Hate Movies experiences will be titled, What Is It With Bad Movies in Wales? Because I just don't understand it. And it's going to take me a long time to figure out my thesis because I don't know what it is. Like, why do we, are we so obsessed with whales and bad movies?

Alternative reading. They're the villains for the next movie. Oh, maybe it's them. That's the you're not going to. birds and fucking tiger cats. It's the space whales from fucking Star Trek 4 in that spaceship. That's what they do. That's their

next step. They got loose. Kirk took them back to the future. They got fucking loose, man. They started reproducing. Oh shit. Speaking of Zelda, Skyward Sword, they can fly now. Flying whales are going to attack wherever, Nova,

whatever. Dude, I'll tell you what, if all of a sudden a real problem in this world was flying whales, I would commit suicide. Oh, yeah. Because you know what you don't want to be? Killed by a flying whale. How could you not be? They're gigantic.

Another fly. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine if one of those ran into a plane? There would be no miracle. It's raining whales today. Like, yeah, no. Everybody's dead.

What a... Flying whales aside, would anyone recommend after Earth? It's a big, big, big fucking no. And, I mean, I'm telling you, even for, like, bad movie, it's just boring. And you can't even enjoy yourself because everybody is so serious in the movie. Yeah. And, I mean, the acting is bad. I mean, it's just the whole package.

It's the whole package for bad movie. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's not even a script. It's an outline because there's no progression or challenges or, you know, internal whatever. It's just, he fights this guy, he goes there, he goes there, he gets into trouble with that, and then it's over. and also since we're talking about whales since all Jonah's becoming such a popular kid's name I think we're gonna see a kid named Jonah

get eaten by a whale I think it's really gonna happen Oh man wouldn't that be something It would be a kid A grown up kid an adult He'll grow up to be an adult But he'll be eaten by the whale Because it's gonna be a popular name

Whales do eat some people I think Sometimes somewhere they're gonna eat somebody The Post is gonna have a field day They really will I would not recommend this movie either I would recommend you go watch the happening or another one of them bad Eminem Shyamon movies. A fun one. Watch

a good one. Watch Unbreakable. That's a great fucking movie. I think that's a truly great movie. I'm bummed that he never got to make that trilogy. There's probably going to be eight more after Earth with a whole bunch of books and video games and TV cartoons and whatnot. I think it's just going to be the TV cartoons. But yeah, you haven't seen the blast of this yet. No, we haven't. We have

not. Was this movie successful? Is that the Shammelon twist ending of this? I think the twist ending is that globally it made $244 million. Oh, that's a bummer. And I think that was before DVD and Blu-ray sales. Yeah, no, this is just the figure from the box office grosses. So even after the marketing, that's still, you got some money there.

Because this is one of those movies where it's like, oh, I've never seen it. It looks stupid. I'll buy it, though. I'm going to check it out on DVD because why not? I can get this DVD for $10 of Blockbuster. I mean you'd put Ambien out of business. That's after Earth from our last year, 2013, directed sort of by M. Night Shyamalan.

If you want to get a hold of us, check out the website, WHM Podcast.com. You can like our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Speaking of emails and whatnot,

I would like to, in advance, thank everybody for the army of request calls that we got in. We're still sifting through it. It is a lot of work to go through these things, but there were some great selections. I still haven't even listened to all the phone calls yet. It's going to be quite the task to get ready for February.

But thank you for calling in, hopefully, of the hundreds of people that called, four of you will get on the air. So, yeah, don't hold your breath. It's always next time. But I'll tell you this, there are, there's so many crazy movies that it's like, you know what? Maybe this might not make it into Request Month, but this is going to the old back pocket for sure. Subscribe in iTunes or download the Stitcher Radio app. Either way you get the show, however you get the show, rate and review. on the platform in which you get the show

we would greatly appreciate it. Blame it on outer space our sister conspiracy theory comedy show is going on. There's a new episode. Eric doesn't, Eric's not here to tell me what the episode is, but I know that there's one coming up. Blame on Outerspace.com. They have a Facebook page and at BlamSpacepad

on Twitter. This entire month we are doing some of what we consider to be the worst of 2013. For next week's episode, I'm going to give the hint on this one. It's a sequel you don't no exists and shouldn't so do with that what you will but uh get ready don't jump to more american graffiti you're better than that don't jump to it you're better than that you're so much

better than that this movie wishes it was more american graffiti we'll get to that next week until then i'm andrewing stephen stephen say that chris capon take it easy You know, Thank you.