We Hate Movies - S4 Ep141: Episode 141 - Getaway

Episode Date: January 21, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang welcomes Blame it on Outer Space's Ben Worcester to the show as they dissect the incredibly boring Ethan Hawke thriller, Getaway! Why did they think so much hyper editing was a good thing? Who thought Selena Gomez was a believable street tough? And why would you only show Jon Voight's lips? Plus: Breakin' Necks with Gerard Butler! Getaway stars Ethan Hawke, Selena Gomez and Jon Voight; directed by Courtney Solomon. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey, gang, we got a live date that we just booked at the People's Improft Theater Wednesday, January 29th, Eric, is that the date? The 29th? Did I just blow this again? No, I think you blew it just right. It's at 9.30 p.m. And we're doing, we're going to announce the movie. It's in part of the listener request month. Correct.

It's sort of getting it in early. Masters of the Universe. The Dolph Lundgren, sci-fi classic question mark. He-man. You guys liked when we did He-Man on the show. Yeah. Now it's a live-action He-Man. Yeah.

So, yes, that's Wednesday, January 29th at the People's Improv Theater, the Pitt Underground Theater. They put us back in the basement. Nothing wrong at that. We are excited to be there. Visit the pit-NyC.com for ticket information. We'll see you there with He-Man, Masters of the Universe. And by the way...

Skeletor as well. Well, Skeletor will be there, of course, portrayed by Franklin. Langela, right? That's Frank Langela in that movie? What the fuck? I mean, we'll get to it on the 29th. But speaking of He-Man, the He-Man-She-Rock Christmas special reminds me. Animation Damnation's Animation Contest. The due date for your submission, January 31st, the stroke of midnight, one to two minutes of you animating over the audio from that episode. Any part of the audio you want, doesn't matter to me, just make it funny. The winner receives a month full of plugs for their artwork, whether

it's your blog, your deviant art profile page, whatever it is, and you submit to us a list of three films of your choosing. We will pick one of them and do it on the air. The entire month of March, we will plug your work on We Hate Movies. So get those submissions in as well. Hello,

I'm Andrew Juppen, Eric Siska, Ben Worcester. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in to our fine little program. This week, we are continuing the worst of 2013 with a movie that's barely a movie. I mean, last week we did a movie that's not a movie. This week, it's a movie that's barely a movie.

2013's getaway directed by Courtney Solomon and I would like to welcome to the program for the first time Mr. Ben Worcester you might remember him from Blame it on outer space

Ben welcome to We Hate Movies glad to be here This is different couch Yeah mine sinks a little more Eric's got a firm couch Your ass kind of sinks in mine I gotta say I'm working it in Slowly but surely

You get that ass groove going on Oh yeah yeah yeah It's sort of that uncomfortable phase where you got one in one cushion and you're like well now I got to sit on the other side of the couch Is that your spot right there? It's all yeah well come on Well see here's what you do you don't have to change where you sit

Just change the cushion you're sitting on Oh mine's attached Oh it's just one cushion It's new wave whatever man It's the new era you know this is We can't all have the vintage couches Everywhere is a comfortable seat So today's movie

brought to you by the company that also last year gave us prisoners gravity and her. Thanks for this fucking turd Warner Brothers. This is the movie if you don't recall with Selena Gomez from Wizards of Waverly Place

and more recently... Justin Bieber. Yeah. And more recently Justin Bede, the backseat of Justin Bieber's SUV. No, no, Segway, right? Oh, does he write a segue? Yeah, he's trying to like make it cool. That's impossible. well you know we'll see if arrested development couldn't do it Justin Bieber can't do it

so anyway she was banging him for a fashion but she's also in harmony Corinne's spring breakers and now here she is spring breakers is great I have no beef with spring breakers I got a lot of beef with this movie though uh because like I said it's barely a movie there's no plot here this is this is what you call in the business a gimmick film you know they did warn us though they did say get away yeah you're right I wish I had heated that advice. I so do. I couldn't believe the Warner Brothers that showed up either because it's like going into this,

it's like you associate that with like Batman and like big, you know, high budget movies. And then like this thing just unfurls. And you're like, I cannot believe it's associated with this studio. It would be great if they did like one of those special WB intros. Like they did it special for the, you know how like Batman. It's like, oh, bats. Yeah. And then this could be, you know, I guess Bulgarian cop cars crashing into the Warner Brothers logo.

I would love if the W.B. logo came up. And then what was his name? Mortimer J. Frog. That's singing and dancing. He comes out and then and then, and then Ethan Hawke runs him over in this ridiculous car with cameras all over it. So the plot of this film, speaking of Bulgaria, by the way, plot of this movie is Ethan Hawke is a Washington. up race car driver of some circuit. Named Brett Magna. Is it Brett or Brent? I thought it was Brent Magma. See, now it sounds better, right?

Now it works. Yeah, Brent Magna. There you go. Magna. Which is great sets you to be a porn star, an action star. A Japanese comic book. A porn star. Yeah, so he's a washed up race car driver. They don't say the circuit because I feel like both like Formula One and NASCAR, we're like, no.

No. We're not having this guy anywhere near our vehicles. Yeah, he's a race car driver. So he's a washed up race car driver who. And, you know, keep this, keep this around the holidays because this, it opens with Jingle Bell Rock just like lethal weapon did. And then, but this is instead of sunny Los Angeles, we're in Bulgaria as cloudy Bulgaria. And it's just Christmas

in Bulgaria. Which Who cares? Who gives a shit? I mean, this is like, you know, we don't have money, so we're going to Bulgaria. Yeah, they clearly shot it there because it's like, where can we spend the least amount of cash to film cars crashing all over the place?

But what doesn't make any sense, though, is like people do this all the time, like film in Eastern Europe all the time. But it'll be like, oh, it's set in Toronto or a really low-end part. of new york or something like that but these people are like we're in bulgaria this is where our movies set fuck it we're in bulgaria so why is this race car driver in bulgaria

uh because anyone remember he burned out like he was just a shitty race car driver and i guess you're supposed to glean from some of the non dialogue that he has with selina gomez that uh he he wrecked one too many expensive cars he just got kicked out of the country yeah they were like you know what maybe maybe that shit flies in bulgaria magna but it doesn't fly in the united states inventor of racing cars oh is that is that true i don't know well we invented stock car racing that was from like moonshiners did you know that you know you learn a lot of we hate movies this is it's a teaching program that's what i keep trying to say we have an educational bent to us that's where i'm here to learn yeah some some of our listeners

don't know this, but some people who've pulled their kids out of school, and they just sit them down in front of the computer box and just listen to WHM. Cue up a day's worth of movies. You know what? You get an hour for lunch? It's totally fine. Well-rounded education. The test at the end

of the day, though. Be ready. It's rough, but you know what? You come out of it with a master's in language arts. Like, that's the thing. So his wife gets kidnapped while jingle bell rocks playing like that's that's like the the beginning of this movie is this choppy like incomprehensible cuts of like the wife being kidnapped it's like is it a dream is it not a dream and then like John Void's mouth is just like interspersed like and then you're like what is what's what's happening there's a there's a silhouetted figure you're not sure who it is and then

before you know it, you're in a car and that's the movie is on its way. That's it. John Void's mouth tells Ethan Hawke to steal this car. It's such a bullshit. He's like, go to this parking lot and you will see a car and you must steal it. And he's like

which car? There's a lot of cars in this parking lot and he's like, oh, you'll know. What? Really? Such horse shit. And they never pay off on it. It's like maybe there'll be some detail later on where it's like he had the tattoo that was on the car or like, no. It's just, just no you'll know the car when you see it uh it's the one mounted with all those

webcans oh this this stupid internet car okay seems good to me i guess i'll steal this one and then john voits's like you cannot drive it under 88 miles per hour right it's like he's got to drive fast for some reason and then wreck all this shit it's just wreck all the shit for no i mean there's it's a non-plot there's it's a non-fucking plot the whole thing is John Travolta, or John Travolta, I wish John Travolta was in this movie. John Void's mouth tells him, you know, he's like, he's like, you have to do everything I say, or I'm going to kill your wife.

And that's it. And then he drives around Bulgaria, I believe it's Sophia Bulgaria, which they don't even like make clear right at the top of the bat, like one of the first instructions he's given. And I had to write this line down because I just, I laughed out loud when he said, he said, he said, drive to the top of the city what the heck does that even mean like that's I've heard that before I think it just means drive to like

the highest hill you can find like it's like if you said that to someone in Manhattan like drive to drive to the top of the city like somewhere uh you know the upper east side gets a little hilly oh yeah as inward gets a little I was going to say world trade center

that's wrong you'll you'll know where it is yeah oh you oh you'll know where the top of the city is. Don't you worry. So he's driving around and he's like John Void's like and by the way,

I keep saying John Void's mouth because the whole thing in this movie is it's just a close up on his disgusting old man mouth while he's like talking and spitting and drinking. Yeah, he's drinking a martini at one point and then it's just him just like

slobbering on these olives. Oh my God, he eats these olives and I wanted to fucking vomit. I wanted to vomit all. over John Voight's mouth. It's just this slobby old man. Like, oh, these olives are great. Do you think the director, this Courtney fellow, was just like,

uh, Mr. Voigt, can you stop eating those olives? One, their prop olives. So we don't know how you keep going through them. It's probably that he refused to get out of his bathrobe for this movie. And it's like, all right, we'll just shoot his mouth. You know, good for him, right? Because you shouldn't. No, John Void's got the right idea.

you don't get your ass out of a chair for a movie like getaway although i don't understand and it's fine if you want to have him be in this command center the whole time and whatever but i don't understand why it's just his mouth like john void has such a distinct voice yeah it's not like he's using a voice modulator you know from jump street it's fucking john void so just show john void and there you go knowing it's john void from the get go ruins what they're trying to do which is like oh who could it be it's a it this guy that reveals himself later or that guy or none of the above like you know like yeah i'm i'm like i would mean i could recognize those jowls a mile away too but the kids can't

the kids can't yeah i guess i guess that's this means for yeah if you're like a silly 13 year old oh yeah back yeah back then when we all like viewed anyone like over 20 is just like oh they're anonymous old person yeah exactly oh so who's that old person oh is that that old person so at one point uh after ethan hawk is driven through his first of two parks that he drives through and knocked over a bunch of christmas decorations it's like lame grand theft auto you're getting grand theft auto you just drive around knocking into shit yeah running people over it's that without running people over the least you could do in a movie like this is knock like this is knock like like an old lady over something.

There's no way there isn't like mass casualties in every scene of this movie. He drives to like a crowded Christmas festival. It's like a flea market yet or like, yeah. A traditional Bulgarian Christmas festival. Yeah, it's like the Union Square market or something. It's crowded. There's tons of stuff. I just like that he's like when he's introducing the concept of this,

which is he's in this car, John Voight has wired it up and he's controlling everything in the car. And he's like, all right, take your first right. But I can't go there. It's a Christmas festival there. Do it or your wife dies. Well, all right, I'll do it. Okay.

And while he's trying to avoid people, Boyd is like, drive into everything, hit all the decorations. And it turns into something that's like out of Christmas vacation. Like, I expect Clark Griswold to be behind the wheel because it's just like, it's kind of like, he's driving through the Christmas market. Roll them up. Roll them up. We're in Sophia Bulgarians.

Oh my god It's kind of like Grand Turismo meets the Grinch Who Stole Christmas Like John Voitz the Grinch Yeah knock that fucking thing down too Oh yeah Oh that Santa Claus hit that fucker

Yeah oh yeah Knock it all down See that's I just did a better performance than John Boyd in this movie By the way Oh no I noticed I was looking right at your mouth It was fantastic

I wasn't shoved a bunch of cocktail olives And pearl onions in it Not yet it's a little early now I got my my boozy iced coffee I got that right there nice I see it's pretty fantastic so at one point Ethan Hawk stops at a red light or something and Selena Gomez gets in the car for no

fucking reason with a gun trying to hijack this car yeah a baby jumps into this car holding a gun and I was like why's that baby got a gun get that gun away from that baby by the way selina gomez with a gun maybe the least threatening thing like yeah although it's a toy gun okay the gun's just standing there like i'm not threatening anybody being held by this baby the guns like get me away from this baby i'm dangerous i could hurt her i'm a gun i kill people but not not in the hands of this baby and what what kind of baby would have a gun. An American

baby. So it's just like this giant, I guess it's a giant it's not really a coincidence. I guess they should say that later, but like the fact that we're taking, we're like open it up front. This movie takes place in Bulgaria, but we're not going to show one goddamn Bulgarian. No,

there's nary a Bulgarian to be found. So it's like these three American expats presumably just like in their own little thing together. Their own entangled lives. You never have to hear a lick of a foreign tongue.

Like, would it kill you? Would it kill you to get a Bulgarian on screen and just say anything? Or, you know what? Like, how do you say, look out in Bulgarian, you know? Right, yeah. And for a movie that's like 90-minute car chase, how about, I don't know, developing maybe developing like a hard-nosed Bulgarian cop that's after them or something. The police in this movie aren't characters.

They're just like crash test dummies. It's unbelievable. You thought the Blues Brothers cops were crashed test dummies. Oh my God. This is like way lower. Well, the other obnoxious thing about this movie is like how lazy the screenplay is with its characterization. Ethan Hawke is the only character that has a name. She's the kid.

Oh, my God. And John Voigt is The Voice. Fuck you. Are you kidding me? that shit is so fucking pretentious oh the voice the kid it's like you're not being artsy or cool you just don't give a shit they're trying to be what artsy and cool yeah i think they are what a fucking failure yeah i don't know what they're trying to do in this movie it's it's so bizarre well that's the big question right who is this movie for yeah because selina gomez you'd think

is the biggest draw right former disney channel superstar but then you put put her up with a 58-year-old man. Yeah, you put her up with Ethan Hawke in a Wolverine jacket. He's definitely kind of dressed like Wolverine. He's wearing a Wolverine jacket the whole time. It's like, how do we make him look like more of an action star? Yeah, let's put him in this. Because that's Wolverine jacket.

That's the other thing, right? Ethan Hawk is not an action star. I don't even care if it's just him driving a car in Bulgaria. He's not suited for this kind of work. Neither of them are. And it's just like, oh, we're going to make this action. film it's going to be great it's it's a fast car you got a hot girl and the hot guy in the car and then everyone starts passing on the screen play like nope nope nope oh not on your life

and finally it just it gets to the point where it's selina gomez only two dots you could connect those two and it just doesn't work yeah they're like the furthest apart dots that you're like well i guess it's that or nothing so i got a dot right here is that a dot down there whose dot is that? Oh, it's Ethan Hawke. Oh, fucked. Well, we got this Wolverine jacket lying around. Might as well. You know, they probably were like, oh, well, it's Ethan Hawk and Selena

Gomez in the car, or John Voight and Selena Gomez in the car? That's a fantastic movie. It's just John Voight failing at parallel parking for 90 minutes. I would watch that over this. Yeah.

Give me the you know, just the verite of like you and John Boyt in a car for 90 minutes and done. John Voight not having it for 90 straight minutes He's so pissed because all he was supposed to do was drop her off at the mall

to meet her friends and now he's stuck going into this goddamn mall for some reason. Oh yeah, that'd be great. My car ride with John. They want to go see an R-rated movie and he's like, Grandpa, you got to go in and get us the tickets. Oh, now I got to park this big boat car. Oh, God damn it. I mean,

I know you look like a little baby. but you're 21 years old go buy the tickets can't you buy it on your tabla phone or something like that yeah your tabla racer which which comes in later ridiculously too well i guess we'll get to that we'll get to that but uh one point ben that you made before we went on the air was the idea that you could not find two actors with less chemistry oh they they set a record for for a pair on screen that has the least amount of chemistry possible like i think the the the the the The most recent example of terrible chemistry that kind of comes close to this, but not really, is what's that motion picture with Gerard Butler and that blonde actress that everybody hates? Catherine Hegel, the ugly truth.

The two of them are supposed to be like, like, he's a pig and she's a working woman and then they fall in love. It just might work out. Dude, talk about no chemistry. Like, I thought it couldn't get me worse than that. and then there was that Gerard Butler and Aniston movie, whatever that one was. The bounty hunter? Yeah. Which was filmed down the street from here.

It was. It was filmed 300 feet away. I'm seeing a pattern develop here. Also a terrible movie, but a terrible chemistry with these people. So what if we put Gerard Butler and Selena Gomez in a movie? I would like that movie because if I wrote that movie, it would just be Gerard Butler runs up as like this big assassin and breaks her neck. And the movie's five minutes long. That'd be great.

Like, he gets, like, this covert mission to kill, like, this royal baby. Or, like, this millionaire baby. A web episode, then. Well, no, no, no. I'm saying, take the full 90 minutes. Hell, 120 minutes. Wait, that's a great idea for a web series. It's just called Breaking Necks with Gerard Butler.

Today I'm going to break Selena Gomez's small little neck. Then he just runs up and does it. That's the end of the episode. That'd be great. For real? Yeah. Well, no, no, no, no, no. Or he could then, at the end of every reference,

he breaks the neck and then he kicks him into a pit. 300 style. Could to make her dig her own grave? Then break her neck and then kick her into the... Farr she's going to dig a shallow grave. Then I'm going to make her lie in it forever. See, this is the type of stuff that should be happening in Bulgaria. That stuff might actually be happening in Bulgaria.

You never know. You wouldn't know it from this movie. No, there's not a legitimate Bulgaria. Gary and for miles. Even the hitman that kind of look Eastern European and this would be like the bodyguards and shit. Yeah. Probably just Jerry and Bruno from Jersey.

The Jersey extras casting office. Yeah, they'll ship them anywhere. Jersey is full to the brim. Oh, I'm going to fucking Bulgaria. That sucks. Can I get a good slice in Bulgaria? Ah, Maron. That's how we get rid of them.

And then they can't come back. It's the catch. That would have been great, Jersey Shore, Bulgaria. They never come back. They're all executed in the town square. Just every week on MTV, it's just a shot of a grave. Jersey Shore Hunger Games. Every time they die in Bulgaria, a fucking cannon goes off.

It'd be fantastic. What am I supposed to do with this bow and arrow? Shoot it? Oh. Man, so the whole thing is Selena Gomez. she claims that this car, this super internet car that he's driving around, belongs to her. And we find out she's a little bit of a gearhead. Come on.

Could you ever, like, there's plenty of girls that can be into cars, just not Selena Gomez. No, she's not a believable person who's interested in cars. No, because she can't even say a line that sounds remotely like she cares. I'll tell you what, those fast and furious pictures, Michelle Rodriguez, believable lady that's into cars. She's got edge, she's got a little bite. Marissa Tomei, my cousin Vinnie. I'd buy that.

I buy that. She knows a thing or two about an automobile. Babies can't operate machinery, though. Yeah, exactly. She doesn't look like she's fucking old enough to drive. She couldn't lift a tire wrench. She couldn't. And then, I just, the whole Bulgarian thing is just really stupid.

sticking in my craw. And so the reason she's there. So he's a wash-out race car driver whose wife is Bulgarian. So they move back to the old country so he could get out of sight. I guess that's how hardcore he was disgraced. Well, I might as well get myself

disgraced in my new country. So that's why they live there. But then Selena Gomez is the daughter of some big bank president. Yeah, like a bank CEO like an investment banker. Totally not plot point. Don't

don't pay any attention. Don't know. That's a banker. Oh, no, that's just a coincidence. Right. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun,

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WHM. Once more, rocketmoney.com slash WHM which stands for we hate movies. Now, one of the things that's really aggravating about this movie is the editing. Like this movie is clearly for like raised on MTV idiots. I saw that in the IMDB trivia, it sounded like a brag.

This movie's got 6,000 cuts and others don't. 6,150 cuts. Like your standard flicks, like somewhere between like 1,500 and 1,600 cuts or something like that. Like, that's not a bragging thing. That means you're terrible at editing. I remember when, like, Requiem for a Dream was like,

this has 2,000 cuts. And, like, it was kind of cool at the time. Like, wow, it's hyper-edited because of all the drug intake scenes where it cuts. But, like, this movie, There's nothing to brag about here. It's a nightmare of incomprehensible garbage on the screen.

I want that on the poster. Ben Worcester says this film's a nightmare of incomprehensible garbage. I mean, you can't tell hide nor hair of anything that's going on. I was getting nauseous watching this movie. I had to medicate myself because I was getting really nauseous. No joke. Take a little dramamine in the middle of Getaway. Something like that.

But the point is I was getting nauseous while watching Getaway. I was I don't and and I can take that shit too like I don't mind you know in the Avengers or whatever when someone's flight like I can watch 3D all that stuff I don't get motion this is the first time ever I got motion sickness from a movie Blair witch project forget about it I was totally fine this movie I almost threw up all over my couch and it wasn't because of Selena Gomez acting speaking of throwing up perfect segue this movie is like if you took speed which I know you alluded to Eric well no I don't have any on me right now. He means the motion picture. Motion pictures. Okay. Drive. Yes. And taken. Courtney, the director, Courtney Solomon, took all those movies, munched them up and just puked it back out onto celluloid.

And then dropped a couple of cocktail olives on top of it. Yeah, as my movie. Bet it's a void. That's what this movie is. It's like it's a... That sounds better than it is. Like, that's definitely what they're going for, but I would rather see what you just. Well, like, I mean, Drive, plot-wise, I can see that, right?

Sort of. But, like, Drive's, like, one of the most stylized movies in the last, like, 10 years. It was trying to, like, with the overhead Grand Theft Auto shots and the jacket and, like, the haunted driver. Like, it was trying to, I felt like parts of it, like, reaching for it, you know, but obviously. Just failing. Yeah. It's like, uh, like watching, like, a celebrity diving show. And every time...

Wait, splash? Splash, yeah. And then every time director, Courtney, whatever, goes up to do his dive, he just trips and falls off into the water every single time. Maybe bust his skull open. At least with that show, you get to see what's happening on screen. You get to see Louis Anderson do a belly flop. There's no 6,000 cuts during that.

You can't tell what's going on. Let it breathe a little bit. Let me see what the car is actually doing. Yeah, and note to all budding filmmakers out there. like fast cuts don't make your movie cool it makes it impossible to fucking follow and that the other thing about the overhead you mentioned grand theft auto that's the other huge problem with this movie and it's a trend with a couple of movies like a couple weeks ago we talked about after earth you can't make a movie look like a video game they can't function like that like video games are becoming more cinematic and that's fine you've got cut scenes all that shit works it can't it's not it's not reverse compatible like you can't make cinema more video game like because it's boring as shit yeah or you can't follow it like this movie and the more video gamey you get the less plotty you get which makes it less of a movie and more like a video game yeah exactly this movie is

definitely like a video game I agree with you there because there's so many car crashes in this movie that are basically amount to nothing no one no one dies no one bleeds there's no explosions you never see any like I found by the middle of the movie, the cop cars were just any time extra cop cars, I was just laughing because it's like, oh, here's four more cop cars. Exactly. Because they crash and they respawn. You respond.

Woo. Like, okay, here they go. Here we go again. Like that's, yeah, I never thought of that. But you know what? This is, it's Sophia Bulgaria. Like, how many cop cars they got? How big is this police force?

It's Bulgaria. They've got like a military squadron of cop cars. And they're all incompetent. That's the other thing, right? That makes this completely unbelievable. Ethan Hawke is captured 20 minutes into this movie. Like, he doesn't get to do all the crazy shit that he does. Because at some point, they're going to, you know, throw like the spike chain out in the middle of the road or something.

There would have been a helicopter. I know it's Bulgaria, but they got to have one in the country. Like, this would have been a hot pursuit. Oh, yeah. They have a leftover Soviet-era helicopters sitting around. And I tell you what? You know, once they pull Ethan Hawk and Selena Gomez out of that car after causing 130, I think, cop cars crash in this movie, they do that to the great nation of Bulgaria. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Someone's digging their own grave and getting shot. Yeah. You know, you're not coming out of that. You're lost in transport from the arrest scene to your interrogation. Yes. You got lost along. I'm doing air quotes the fucking podcast.

Doing this fucking show for three years, I still make the air quote. Well, you're warming up for a big show on January 29th. Nice mid-episode plug, dude. It's at 9.30 p.m. at the people's improv theater. I'll doff my cap to that. Oh, wait. Well, I doffed it. I can guarantee you he doffed the cap.

In world famous New York, New York. The Big Apple is some call it. I can't wait for us to do Sofia Bulgaria. I would play Sofia Bulgaria. It would be great. Yeah. Do you guys think you would ever find yourselves in a getaway type situation? This was something I found myself wondering instead of paying attention in the movie.

But do you think like you're just going to get a phone call one day and some menacing terrorist is on the other end? Like, steal this car and do what I say. Well, if I do, I know I know what to follow. I've got my blueprint set out for me right now. Ethan Hawke has shown me the way. What way is that? it's the way to 90 minutes of horrible crap on screen like he's a he's a talented driver i don't think i'd ever be able to drive like that like i'm a pretty good driver but uh you know i would i

would tell the person politely over the phone i think you have the wrong number and i'm going to continue getting groceries but yeah well that's the right move to make because you know once you go through with this like oh great yeah i'll do that so i can get my kidnapped wife who once I do everything for you, you're just going to kill her anyway and then kill me. So, hey, at least one of us is getting out of this alive, right? At least I can get groceries. I'd be like, is this cash cab? Am I in cash cab?

John Boyd's like yelling at me. When are you going to ask me a trivia question? That would be the best thing. Isn't this supposed to be driven by a stand-up comedian? That dude does stand-up. Oh, I know. I've seen it. And that's all I'll say.

Ben Bailey. Ben Bailey. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I would rather the cash cab than the getaway John Void situation. I wouldn't believe John Void's crooked voice for two seconds. No. Like, oh, yeah, you're not going to kill my wife? Okay, John Voight.

Someone calls me, yeah, someone calls me up sounding like a deranged, vaguely European John Void, saying that they have my wife. I'm just be like, got the wrong number, asshole. what is that accent he's putting on by the way there is i don't know i think he's trying to do a tinge of german or something because when uh once ethan hawk forces a cop car off the road and it crashes into a commuter train john void yells shiza oh right that's because at that point his plan is going off the rails oh man yeah it's fucking horrible so by the way more of john void's plan so he says uh okay you got to keep the two with it you know he even hock tries to kick her out

the car doesn't happen so he's like now you must take her so they're driving around and he's like you have to go to this power station and upload a something something so the power goes out and the power station blows up like part of the plot is you're going to a power state you're you're a pawn in a game to blow up a power station not i'm not good enough for a plants? No, no, no, not the full plant. Just a satellite station. That's all you get, Ethan

Hawk. But of course, she pulls out, like, at this point, you know, when you're starting to wonder, like, why is she there? Like, what is she adding to this? I'm wondering that the entire movie. For the second she gets in the car. Why is she fucking here? But then it's like, oh, I can do

it because I'm, you know, I'm Wiz Kid fantastic right now. Oh, yeah. She just becomes goddamn Inspector Gadgetts, Penny. Penny. This needed a dog. Honestly, with this combination, you got an old man and a young girl.

There better be a pet shared in between there because otherwise it's weird. It is weird. Because you see the dog in the car, you're like, all right, that dog's keeping things copacetic. But it's like just the two of them, what's going on in that car?

I'm like, where? And because they have such bad chemistry, I was just like, man, where's the sexual tension, right? Because if his wife is murdered, he's got to move on, right? Yeah.

that they tried to reach for that too at moments where it's like, I understand you. And it's just like, yeah, you're right. You're so right. They did. Yeah, exactly. They tried to do it, but it's impossible because it's like you're trying to put like these two magnets together. Did you guys notice that like in the vein of like they're going like, I felt like this

movie was going for things. Like it wanted to hit notes that it knew from like other movies, like templates and stuff like that. But every time they tried to do something, whether it was like a throwaway line that's supposed to be like a funny joke or whatnot, it just landed with the biggest thud, just clunker after clunker. Like there's one point where her line is, Selena Gomez's line is after like one big car chase, right? And then like they come to a stop. And then the line is you can keep the car. And it's just.

science crickets like it's the worst it's so painful there's a lot of like her it's her as if he was her father

and he was like come on get in the car I'll drive you to the mall and then it was like we're going to the dentist gotcha and because she's just whining like oh you're such an idiot

you are such a dweep shut up oh you shut up you are so stupid Like some of us were taught not to steal things I'm gonna use the phone now Yeah she keeps She keeps railing on him for stealing her car

Right yeah and it's like even after the fact that he's like She's made aware of what the situation is This guy's wife is gonna get killed She still is like at least I'm not a crook And it's like this is This happens every once in a while We've encountered this on this show before It's when a major character

in a movie doesn't understand what the movie's about and the character has to keep being explained the plot of the movie and in this movie it's like every time we cut back to her she's like you're a filthy fucking car thief and he's like all right let's go over this again when i step on your foot and say hello mr thompson you say hello like that's how i fucking felt like we're just running in circles with this girl what's crazy about it too is it's the simplest plot in the world and they're not doing anything but explaining it over and over and then of course running into cop cars that do nothing and don't impede this car whatsoever even though i think i read that they had like 13 of these cars yeah wrecked them all yeah so come on how this so the movie car is stronger

than 13 real cars is some type of supercar well there's a bullshit thing where john void at one point says something about, like, the car's bulletproof. But then later in the movie, his own henchmen are shooting at the car. It's full of bullet holes. It's completely riddled. The car is armored. Not to worry.

But it was Selena Gomez's car. Did she have her car armored? Because she's so rich and so paranoid and so American that she's in Bulgaria. She's like, I need my car bulletproof. Well, maybe that's the thing, right? Maybe, like, she drives down the streets of Bulgaria. And, like, all these angry Bulgarians who hate her guts are, like, there's the child that we hate.

And, like, trying to assassinate her. The baby with the woman's body. I think I know what we should do. Like, you know, like, the Pope Mobile was bulletproof. You know what I mean? Like, maybe her car has to be bulletproof because she's hated. There's the white devil baby that introduced crack into Bulgaria. It's a drug dealer car.

It is a drug dealer car. And she's got something where she's like, yeah, my dad's this bank president. He's never really around. But you know what? This car is the nicest present he's ever got me. And I'm like, well, great for you, little Miss Piggy Bank. That's fucking fantastic. I'm really rooting for you to get this car back in one piece.

Honestly, if I was Ethan Hawke and I've just devastated that many cops alive and widowed that many women or whatever. But like, oh, he's not a killer. Well, you know, there would be. The hospitals are overflowing right now, but I would just shoot her in the head. Like, right when she's not even thinking about it, you know, like when she's just complaining about her, her phone or something, just shoot her in the head because then, hey, that's one last thing you got to worry about. And he's already racked up like a huge body count. You can't get more than five stars in Grand Tifton.

Everyone, I mean, every one of those crashes, no one is what they, they devastate these cop cars in this movie. Oh, yeah. If there's anything I can give to it, it's like, you can, like, maybe pick out a half second of, like, that was cool here and there. And, like, some of the cars, they just body slam, like, pro wrestlers. This is why they decided on Bulgaria, because they'd probably crunch the numbers. Where are cop cars the cheapest to blow up? I mean, that might be. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, we got Bulgaria and if you shipped a bunch of cars to Antarctica, it's like, well, that's not a feasible film shoot. There's no roads there. You know, they might as well. Oh, just, I'm just some bank CEO's daughter that had to come live in Antarctica for the big bank of our Antarctica. The brand new bank of Antarctica were opening up. And I'm a race car driver that's been shunned by the entire world. I think this movie would be way better if it was on the Iditarod. And it was get away with like sled dogs.

No, but then the plot would be impeded by Selena Gomez just playing with puppies. because she's just a baby. And then Werner Hertzlach would narrate it. This little girl out here all alone. What beats in her heart? This baby is primal in its origins. It's looking into the pup's eyes and it's seeing its own pup eyes

in our reflection. We are one with nature and it is terrifying. I said pop eye and it reminded me of how much I was obsessed with Popeye's chicken. That was a real story Werner Herzog told me. What?

Yeah. Oh, because you met him for the... Yeah, he came to where I work for encounters at the end of the world and I... Me and Werner got to talk in. And I was like, this is the best day in my life. And he's telling me...

And I believe he does talk about this in some movie. It might be Werner Herzog eats his shoe. But he says at one point in the 1970s, he became obsessed with Kentucky fried chicken and he ate it at every meal for like years he's obsessed

he said I became obsessed with Kentucky fried chicken I was like that's the greatest thing anyone's ever said anything. It was really impossible to get it on the set of Fitzgeraldo but I managed to do it. Yeah it was like moving a boat over a mountain

that's how hard it was. Oh! So the other part of this, we sort of briefly touched on it, she's also a super genius hacker. So she's like, hey, I just happen to have this iPad with me. And this iPad has an app on it that links me into like the police fucking security feed or some. Like she's doing like a hacker's worth of work on an iPad. Like, now correct me if I'm wrong hackers out there. But I don't think a tablet, an iPad tablet with no.

keyboard accessibility is really like a hacker's dream weapon. I mean, it's annoying that when they do that thing in movies where you can clearly tell whatever on the screen of the computer is like fake. Like it's got some fake, graphicy program on it. But her

pulling out like a hello kitty iPad and being like, I'm in the mainframe now. It's like give me a bark. And then like even Ethan Hawk is like looking at her like, that's bullshit right? I mean, you're fucking with me? And she's like, what?

Just because I'm a girl, I can't like cars and computers. It's the 21st century. Oh, man. I was born a few years ago. So, yes, but she's able to like, oh, there are all these webcams that are around us, because I guess I have a sensor to find all the webcams around us. Well, they're all being broadcast off a government server, and they don't even know about it.

Dun, dun, duh. And it's like that, but guess what, that doesn't go anywhere. It leads to nothing. It's just a line to say so these two characters are talking for a change. For a movie that features a character, like, finding his way out of all sorts of twist and turns, alleys and whatnot, and escape routes and everything, the plot has so many fucking dead ends. Like, this, you're like, oh, my God, the government, like, what, is this, is there some sort of politician that's about? Is John Voigt, like, the mayor of Sophia, Bulgaria? Like, what are we talking about here?

You're so right about all these plots going to dead ends because, you know, he actually, John Void actually tells Ethan Hawke at one point to kill her. Right. And he's like, kill her. You don't. Your wife is dead. Blah, blah, blah. And he doesn't do it. And then John Void's like, good.

That's what's the right to sit. You know, like, it just moves on. It's just like, do fucking something besides crash into a cop car. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay, you didn't kill her. Like I said, I'm going to cut your wife's finger off. And then he does it. And then, like, you hear her crying and screaming and, like, maybe you even hear, like, the little bit of the blood go.

Yeah. She's just yelling, like, why didn't you shoot that baby? Why is that baby alive? And now I have eight fingers. I told you, Uma, I'm pro life. I just wanted to point out that a note I have here in my phone, you know, we watch these movies, make notes, plot. different thoughts we have I just have a note here that says I want to blow my brains out it's about halfway through the movie I just I had had enough I said I want to blow my brains was it during

the part where they were in that like one of the third trials that he has to go through it's where they throw the clock up and like he has four minutes to get from one end of like the town to the other end and like I swear every time they cut back to the clock it seems like it's going backwards like it's added 30 seconds of like oh it's getting closer it's like there's still two and a half minutes left in this that that applies to real life too because this movie feels so long i started it at nine o'clock and it finished at 830 i mean it's just yeah it's a time warp i don't know they really pulled off something spectacular so at one point like now where does this money come involved now there's eventually it's it's

like a bank heist sort of hey your dad's a banker yeah didn't see that one coming there's there's a point where they go they're sitting in the car and she literally says like right after all this banker stuff boy I wish I knew what they were after like like it just like echoed with stupidity

so I'm the richest baby in Bulgaria I have the nicest car you know and it's like we're in my car It's part of this elaborate plot. What did you do, Ethan Hog? Yeah. Yeah, it's his fault. You fucking dirty carjacker.

We've been over this. Not a carjacker. Did I tell you about my wife? Remember that? Retain some of this shit, I'm telling you. Baby. Stupid Bulgarian baby. So there's something about...

And part of this movie gets a little hazy for me. Oh, yeah. Me too. But there's something about, like, John Voigt makes them get information out of thumb drive or something. It's like, Bitcoins, I think. I think Bitcoins have a cameo in this movie. I think it's all Bitcoins. Yeah, it's like her dad, it's not, he's not a, there's no cash on hand.

He's an investment banker. So, like, what could they be stealing? And then they have to ponder it for a little bit. And, Jesus. Computer data. Eureka. Yeah, it's. 2013's version of the dossier.

Like, I need the dozzas. Or the microfilm. Yeah, exactly. And I think the thing that's obnoxious is I think that this whole transaction is something like $5 million. Like, isn't that it? And it's like, I can't recall. But this, this elaborate scam that you've set up, the money that you put into retrofitting

this car. Well, I think they said, I'm pretty sure they said billion. Oh, is it? Well, all right. What, five billion? John Voigt's mouth would not. I couldn't see through all the fucking olives what number he was trying. It was emptied the Bulgarian treasury.

The entire country is now gone. Have you seen the value of bitcoins? It's exponential, man. Dude, Bulgaria just became Voigtown. And it borders right over here at Otisberg. What? Hey there, Mr. Voigt. Looks like we're neighbors, huh? Get out.

Otisburg! Get out of Voigtown. You and your Otis Bergeans aren't welcome here in Voigtown. That's really how I want to see the Superman comics series and everything ends. Just focus on Otis for a while in Eastern Europe. I would love Ned Beatty and John Voigt in a moment. fist fight with each other that would be amazing

great fighting for territory it's that might have already happened I think we got to check check the history books no net Ned Beatty he didn't get into a fight with void he was a hillbilly getting into a fight with his rear end

yeah that was quite a fisting I mean fist fight yeah yeah you meant fist party this is a real fist party hashtag fist party 2014 so yeah it's kind of like this robbery happens and john void is somehow like he's basically he's framed ethan hawk for it because of the the power plant explosion power station oh pardon me yeah it's just a satellite station because it's like there's something that's like oh if she

if she hacks into the mainframe it knows to let off all these explosives like that power station explodes for no reason. Oh no. He already had it set up. This was part of his master plan. You see, he just wanted her there to frame her. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So now they're two like American terrorists in Bulgaria. I like, I hate that thing of like, and this is just the worst kind of example of it where you have the villain that has everything. Like he's sitting in his like restaurant, looking at his laptop and this entire thing is like, oh, he's perfectly planned out. Like, and it's just like you've got to be speaking of that

the software that he uses is really interesting because he basically is also hacked into like the Bulgarian police Sophia network or whatever yeah he's like monitoring their radio transmission and like he's able to like have a map of the city and he knows where Ethan Hawkins Salina Gomez are and

he like he can just like click on the map where they are and it like sends out an alert to all the cops and you get the little pictures of the cop cars are like going around and then they start converging instantly on the location he selected so it's like he's controlling the police as well

like what I mean sounds like you're playing a video game yeah exactly it looks like a video game because he just clicks on one spot instantly all these pieces start moving towards it and suddenly kick it in reverse fucking turn around like a normal person Maybe that's why these cops are so terrible

I mean that might even drive Can't even drive a Bulgarian cop car Yeah I don't know I mean some of it says a lot about this movie That some of the most exciting parts are watching Fucking red triangles bleep bloop on a Pac-Man screen I got a sense that like John Voight which at this point

It's still just the mouth like all this is so like He can take take the pleasure of just watching the blips on the screen like Oh, I love my blips. It's all worth it. I love my blips, and I love my olives. I could somehow find a way to make my blips olive-shaped. Oh, that's heaven. I love my olives.

Maybe if I had five billion bitcoins, I could buy all the olives I need. I could buy all the olives in the world. That's the plot of the movies. He wants to buy all the olives in the world. He wants the corner of the market, a cocktail olives. He wants to eat himself to death with the olives. Pizza the hut ate himself to death He got locked in the back of his limousine

And ate himself So I mean this robbery That's what's ridiculous about this movie This robbery happens And it's since it's like an instant digital transfer There's no robbery scene There's no you know there's no heat-esque robbery it's just they get the data or whatever

and then John Void's dudes on motorcycles try to like take them out I'm not too hip on the latest technology but I think the purpose of computer robbing hacking and stealing money that way

is so you don't have to drive a getaway car and blow up the police like isn't that like a workaround? I think so but I think John Void's logic at this point is you know this will be this will serve as like a distraction sort of but as we're going to find out so the guy's not watching the the internet or something i mean maybe well because what we'll realize at the end of the movie is there's a little bit of an ulterior motive here but we're

not there just yet no we're not so he kind of almost gets kidnapped at one point or not kidnapped caught like this is the most ridiculous scene i think in in the movie is they get to like a police barricade or something oh god and he's like he's like oh man what are i going to do all right i have a plan just he says to selina gomez just go with me on this one and all these cops are like get the fuck out of this car right now like these these bulgarian police officers have had it with even hawk shenanigans and since they're driving to ford the Bulgarians, no, I got to speak English. Perfect English.

Perfectly in American accent. Get out of the car. He will only understand you if you sound like you're from there, Ohio. Howdy, partner? You, hand on head. I, too, am a fan of the Nye Metz. So he takes

the gun that Selena Gomez had in her baby hands at the beginning of the movie. Go, go, go, gunk. Oh, my gosh, she's here with us. He points the gun at her, and he's like, I will fucking kill this girl. If you do not back the fuck up right now.

He should have pistol-wipped her just to show that he means goddamn business. That's what I would have done. In the most insane part of this movie, like this guy has been a menace throughout your city, he's killed dozens of your brothers at arms, right? This is when the peck and paw shot of him being shot a thousand times should happen. Yeah, because all the cop. still is like oh man he's got a gun to her head well pack it in everybody pack it in he's got

and they all just disperse and all of a sudden his five grand theft auto stars go down to none because he told the police in a in a in a in a stern tone of voice to go away and they do and they did they do they get their cars and leave there was no more get away to be had the chase is stopped it's it's done with he got away he looked he looked He looked at Johnny Law in the eye, and he won. He stepped up, stood tall, and said, I'd rather not. I'd rather not get out of this car. Okay, then, I see you have the rich baby, so we will back off.

Oh, no, he's got the rich baby. Let her get killed. Let him kill her. We'll finally be rid of that baby. That'd be a great ending if they were just like, okay, partner, do it. do it man you're a man you don't have the stones

you real cowboy right man you do now so he says to John void he's like all right motherfucker I've got your jump drive with your bitcoins on it or whatever your fucking Mario gold coins your fucking green mushrooms

in this jump drive all those close up of his face it kind of looks like Bowser could be so he's like like let's set up a little bit of a rendezvous and we'll trade off you give me my wife I'll give you this jump drive with free men on it and we can go our separate ways and he's like this is great he says why don't you meet me at the place where I work I'll see you in two hours

I was like what kind of a commute is this for Ethan Hawk two hour commute to this airplane hanger that he works at why does he work in an airplane hanger I thought like okay we're going to a racetrack. Tie it together a little bit here. Or like, at least a car dealership or something. Wait a minute. Okay, so maybe he likes BMWs

and they used to make airplanes. Don't, don't spin. Well, you know, don't spin your wheels on it, man. Okay, okay, no, no. Engine? Engine. They both use engines. Ooh.

Wait, wait. Tires. A couple of tires. A couple of tires. Oh, metal. Would it be great if he was like, a world famous, like, NASCAR racer, and then he's just changing the tires on bulk airplanes. Well, I think it's like if you wash out as a race car driver, right?

It's like, what's next? Well, maybe I could fly a plane. Maybe he's trying to get his pilot's license. Oh, my God. Honey, if I just get my pilot's license, you know, we'll be up to about 50 bitcoins a week. Right now, you know, we're pulling in three. So they go to this airplane hanger. And because we all know that John Voight is the bad guy, and we all know what John Voight looks like, when this other old man gets out of the car, there's no suspense whatsoever because you're like, all right, well, that's just some dude pretending to be John Voight.

And they don't even, they don't even flirt with suspense because they instantly do close-ups of like the little transponder in his ear. Oh, right. Because Selena Gomez, hacker baby child of God. Of course, she's going to notice it. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, she knows how to size up a guy. This is the first thing she looks for. Does he have a tracker in his ear?

What the kids are into these days. Kids love ear trackers. Oh, and also money. So listen up, fellas. They do this exchange or whatever, and what is this the deal with it? Like, the wife's just there, right? Yeah, I guess. It's the most anticlimactic thing ever.

they're like well here's the jump drive all right fantastic no here's the computer and test it yep that's it yeah they run they run this scan on it which is just like it's taken a while because it's so many bitcoins but but by the way

hacker baby genius also a movie with john void those baby geniuses pictures he's all over those movies uh she has set up like a camera feed going back into the police station. So she's like, now the cops

will get our side of the story through my webcam. We're able to prosecute you a thousand charges because of that webcam footage. Yeah. So like the wife is there and it's like, well, all right.

We're reunited. That's fantastic. But then it's like, oh no, the movie can't be over. It's like bad boys too, right? Oh, we're going to Cuba now all of a sudden. Because Selena Gomez just gets kidnapped. This old man, this lettuous old dude, just kidnaps her.

Guess what? Goodbye. And that's the ridiculous part of this movie is the wife who's been fucking kidnapped by Bulgarians, possibly tortured, whatever's been going on with her. Ethan Hawks like, oh, no, they kidnapped that baby I've been driving around with for the past couple hours. And the wife says, go get her. are you kidding me no not at all like this lady's off her medication you know what i would like to happen the i would like Ethan hawk to not go after her and then like he just goes on and lives a

normal life with his wife and we cut to like years and years later we get like Ethan hawk and age makeup and stuff and like going and he's taught and he was he was telling the story the whole time oh nice and then he was just like and that baby i never knew what happened happened or became of her. Now she lives on only in my memories. Sort of like the end of the road warrior. I would love that and he's like, sometimes I think about whether or not those Bulgarians murdered her. And then I think, what's on Cinemax? Because I couldn't care less about this annoying little girl that bothered me for two hours at Christmas in Bulgaria that one year.

but no we have to have another fucking chase scene and that's the other thing like I'm a dude who loves a good chase scene man like but you can't just do all it can't be all it never ever lets up and so it's like oh man we gotta do one more race do we I thought the movie was over with why you know if you're gonna do a chase movie why do it like one city like vanishing point wasn't one city yeah just go across the desert or something do anything leave the city limits yeah anything make a cannonball run did either of you guys get the sense that the the the orchid maybe it's just me but I felt like the music like the orchestra was getting tired by the here we go again like the music oh god we're playing the chase song again they had to sustain 90 minutes of chase music and it's just like it got they got tired now here's the thing like this movie is kind of like an f grade Die Hard with a vengeance, right? Like, you've got a terrorist giving you tasks over the phone or whatever.

You're racing around a city like a moron. Even that movie, like the ending of Die Hard 3 sucks, but even that movie knows, like, well, we got to do something. We've got to get out of the city. It's something different. There's also some puzzles, like the villain is toying with you more than, oh, yeah, hit that garbage kid. Run over all the decorations.

It's kind of like. Like, it's almost as if, like, John Void, if you didn't see John Void's mouth in this movie, you'd think, like, maybe this is, like, a couple of teenage boys with a voice modulator playing like a prank on. I'm like, oh, man, tell him to crash into that garbage can. Oh, he did it. Oh, he did it. What should I tell him to do next? Oh, run into that Santa costume. Oh, he did it.

Tell him to kiss that baby. That stopped at all. It stopped. Now I'm just thinking about Ethan Hawke kissing this Selena Gomez. Do you know how he prepared for the role or how he achieved that that look of just like, oh, his wife is dying? How does he get that haunted look on his face? Yeah.

He's just, I think his motivation was, I am in this movie right now. So this is what my life's picked up. I have to, I have to earn a paycheck this way. I kind of felt bad for him Umma, Uma needs her alimony. Yeah, right. But that's, he is such an interesting little puzzle of an actor. Like, he's in one of the best movies of last year before midnight's fucking excellent movie.

And he's also in one of the worst movies of life. It's astounding. This movie only got a 2% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. Who are those assholes? Is one of them Armand White? Oh, I don't know. I didn't really, I think they're probably, they probably write for a little thing we like to call blogs. Yeah, it's like, Mr. Nobody from the internet says, getaway is a high speed thrill ride with a baby.

Here is my contrarian opinion right now. Oh my God, are you reading this now? No. Are you reading this? I had a different opinion. This is also one of those movies I feel like it'll find an audience on DVD because it's like, yo man, it's got. Ethan Hawk and he's driving a car some shit. That's cool. You liked Gattaca

right? Yeah, I did. Let's blindly buy this movie on Blu-ray. What an idiot. Don't blind buy. You can't blind buy. I did a blind buy one time. And you got blind burn. No way, man. I purchased ravenous starring Guy Pearce and Jeffrey Jones, the sex offender.

I never actually never saw. Oh, it's fucking awesome. That's when they're like, oh, it's the old times. like to eat each other right it's like the civil war i believe is is a cannibal yeah a civil war cannibal movie yeah it's awesome they uh they're at like some camp and it's like the winter time and they discover it's one of those like cannibal lore movies where it's like if you eat a person you uh acquire their essence oh so it's people getting like dude is that how what i don't know we should find out i want to find out just see what selina gomez is up to invite her to your barbecue.

I'm just going to sink further into the couch over here. I've never been so glad to be across the room from Eric. Now I can say. As his hunger rises. Selina Gomez, I would like a piece of that. And not, no, no, not sexually.

Yeah, you just want to see if you can, you can baby essence. I want to eat her for that internal youth. Internal youth. Well, yeah, internal youth. That becomes internal youth. And then, you know, the other end. The cycle continues.

But that movie's awesome because it's just Jeffrey Jones being like, I love eating people. I'm so power hungry on people. They go so great with these olives. They go so great with these olives and child pornography I'm looking at. M-M-M-M-M-Gephyry Jones. Oh, that I'm making. Well, I have my homemade human.

human ribs over here. And in the living room, I have my homemade child pornography. Jeffrey Jones. What? That sounds like a grano. No, it doesn't. It does not sound like a great time. Wow, putting words at my mouth.

I was going to say, great crime. Oh, well, yeah. It's definitely a great crime. Child pornography and cannibalism, you're going away for life. You're getting the chair. That's a one-two punch. You're doing one. You might as well do these other.

I think that that is the combination of crime in where it would be okay to burn someone at the stake. Like, if you find somebody who's producing his own child pornography and a cannibal, like a practicing cannibal, the United States would come together and say, yeah, it's all right if you publicly burn this person at the stake. No. No? I'm uneasy at the state deciding who lives and who dies. what about society if society came together and was like burn

Eric Siska at the steak you will this is what I'll tell society it's just society's just high school for adults you know I don't know what kind of high school you're thinking about well I went to one of the toughest ones

so the end of this movie is he there's another car chase and he chases after the car that we already know John Voight isn't in you know and Ethan Hawk like I keep on and say

Ethan Hunt it would be great if Tom Cruise was in this movie Tom Cruise could make a movie like this work I feel I think he could yeah yeah I think maybe there's

you know maybe Jack Reacher didn't work out but he was a convincing but if there were webcams in that movie man if Jack Reacher had just a few more

webcams it would be like getaway Hurtzog was good then. Herzog is phenomenal in that movie. So yeah, he crashes the car into the other car and they both like wipe out and he gets out of the car Selena Gomez totally unharmed

not a scratch on her and then the cops come and this is one of those movie things too where like the cops are instantly like okay this guy's cool, never mind we've been chasing him the whole day never mind, that's fine

this guy's the real video. You didn't see the webcam footage did you? I mean clearly he's fine. Like this is one of the things, everybody's going downtown and we'll figure it out at the station. For a while. Yeah, there's, there's, there's, there's a lot to sort through. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of property damage.

Because also the other thing is like, you know, Ethan Hawks kind of using the old excuse, you know, the age old excuse of I was just following orders. You know what I mean? Well, to be fair in Bulgaria, I think that might be, you know, that might fly. It might fly. So then like this other old guy gets out of the car and you're like, all right, it's still not John Voight. There's no suspense here. And he gets like arrested as a patsy. Yeah, he goes down.

And then John Void calls Ethan Hunt, Ethan Hawke. Yeah, see, I screwed it up. And it's Blake Mangrove or whatever. Come on, guys. Actually, my character name is Brent Magna. wow that still sucks no matter how many times you hear it it's still a terrible name so this old man is just looking up and smiling like he's probably got dementia

he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing and he's going down for this car he's basic this guy in bulgaria says i will go to prison for my entire life what's left of it yep so john voight can get away so john voight can get some bitcoins he told me about the olive plan and i was like man one of us has to pull that off you know what you got it going for you know i'll take the fall the world doesn't have many dreamers in it you sir five billion olives you've stolen via bitcoin oh yeah no i'm in i don't think he understands my plan but it's fine he's willing

to go along with it anyway take advantage of the fool now it's like that's it's such an unbelievable thing like what he just has this fucking cult following that's like i will go to jail for you. It must be a thing where he's like, I'll take care of your family, you know, probably promised him all sorts of riches. Or they're all free masons. Involving some type of masianic plots. No, that's those other John Voight movies, National Treasure.

Oh, okay. So then, yeah, so this old man's getting in the car and we get one last phone call from the voice himself, Carson, no, fucking John Voight. and he's like packing up he's packing up his gear and this is where we get like john voight's motivation and the whole thing is john void i mean the robbery is one part of it but the other part of it is and this is what i've gathered from the movie john void was a fan of ethan hawk as a car racer he's the number one fan of Brent Magna

Magna and he wanted to see Magna get behind the wheel again because his whole thing is like now I have properly motivated you I wanted to see that you could be so much more and achieve your true potential

I've unlocked what was inside of you that you didn't know was there yeah you're going to be a third rate demolition derby driver and it's just a real like you can thank me later when you're back on the course or like what it's such horseshit although we may never meet again but you never know life is funny that way get away to anyone oh god and so then it's like oh my god the tension of the voice packing up all his equipment he's putting his laptops and fucking suitcases and all this stuff and where is he but world famous new york new york right I think it's Chicago. World famous Chicago, New York. The windy apple.

It does a horseshit thing where it's like Ethan Hawks on the phone and then the camera sky rockets into space. Oh, and there's a satellite. There's a satellite. So unnecessary. Like we bounce over to another satellite. Oh, man, cell phones, right? We bounce back down to Earth. And it's like, zooms in on Chicago and he's in some like hotel lobby or something.

Yeah. He's in, like, the VIP area of a lounge. Yeah, and then we get, like, our brief glance at the man himself. The full voice. Mr. John Voigt. He goes full void in this scene. He's just naked wandering hotel lobby. He's just a crazy man in Shai Town.

I would love it if that happens. And then, like, some guy comes up and he's like, there's my computer equipment. What the hell is this old man doing with it? John Voip's just like, into it. Kill bitcoins. And then this, and then this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, he's had a hell of a day. It's like, dad, what you do now? Come on, dad.

Dad, dad, the room is upstairs. This is not the shower. Oh, yeah. Well, I made him run over Santa Claus. I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. Here's, here's some more olives. I know how much you love olives.

Oh, I do love olives. He's like leading him into the elevator. I love it The end of this John Voight gets Of Mice and mend His fucking brains blown out For some reason But it's just like

He puts his coat on I believe he's got a stupid hat on And he kind of like He does like a 180 turn So you can see his face He lets out a shitty snake-eaten John Void smile And then Gerard Butler

Snaps his neck This has been another episode Of snapping necks With Gerard Butler do it in next week when I go after Courtney Cox Please Courtney Solomon

We can only hope I mean This was the biggest pile Of horse shit It's so bad And you know what's funny is like It's such a bad movie I wrote a note that said I wanted to blow my brains out

It feels like it's three hours long And then when it's over with My first thought was What are you kidding me? It's over with like that's it? that's how you end I wanted something more I was like no no no no no you don't get to finish this movie like this that's horse shit the void payoff was baffling to me because like again I I I can't wrap my head around who this movie is for I think it's for teenagers right it has to be what like what kind of final reveal is like hey this this old mouth you've been watching this whole time it's an actor that you don't know exactly what you need to have happen here is John Voigt stands up

And much like Mission Impossible, rips a rubber face off, and it's actually Carson Daly as the voice. And he smiles. Hey, kids. Yeah. That beautiful Carson Daly smile and cut to black. Tune in at 1.30. I mean, this movie is for teenagers that are like, oh, you know, I want to see my favorite star, Selena Gomez, hang out with my dad and then get fucked over by my grandfather. that's that yeah that's that's getaway

got a fucking filthy taste to my mouth the question now is would anybody recommend this movie no I do not think I would I've seen it twice now because of the show right and it's just honestly it's just a car chase for 90 minutes

where nothing much happens I mean, I, no, I, I detest it. Nice. Yeah. Ben. I can recommend two seconds from this movie. Oh, nice. I don't know if you guys caught it, but there was a Wilhelm scream in this movie.

There was. Was there really? Yes. Actually, I did have that note. I just missed it. During like the dirt, when the dirt bike, by the dirt bikes. Oh, yeah. Oh, John Voitz motorcycle gang or whatever.

Oh, yeah. We didn't even talk about that, but it's useless because there's nothing that happens. He's driving against big cars. and trucks and then like, ooh, dirt bikes. They're going to really give them a problem. Oh, no. Here's what's going to run them off the road, this army of crotch rockets.

Right? Yeah, so there's that Wilhelm screen. And there's also, I read this piece of IMDB.com trivia. Ooh. Ethan Hawke's first time doing donuts was on set with Salina Gomez in the passenger seats. Well, that's fantastic. That was his first time doing donuts. And he did it with his co-star.

during the movie. Wow. During the movie. I bet she was really impressed. So when is this Wilhelm scream? It's like one of the motorcyclists that's knocked off.

Yeah, like during the bank robbery, one of the bikes, like the guy does a over the handlebar is like flying off the bike and you hear right there, unmistakable. That motorcycle sequence, while ridiculous,

because it is Ethan Hawk just fighting guys with a car, like he's using the car as a weapon or whatever. It's probably the most exciting part because these stunt drivers are really taken to licking. Like, you see these dudes

falling off these motorcycles. The one guy, like, totally does get hit by a car. It's pretty fantastic. Everyone's okay. And no charges were pressed. Nope, none whatsoever because the voice told him to. I would not recommend this movie at all.

It's terrible. It's barely a movie. It's boring. The lead actors have no chemistry. it's a gimmicky fucking webcam movie I mean so much of this movie looks like it was shot on a cell phone it's terrible and no Selena Gomez

I don't buy you as a fucking gearhead or a computer hacker stop in the biz we call them crash cams yeah nice that's a Ben Bailey's next show I think that's when he drives a taxi around

crashing it into as much things as possible well no that's when you get every other cab driver in New York City and they just fucking maim tourists that come to the city and then don't get charges pressed against them. And you might even make it on TV. It's true.

That's Getaway from 2013 directed by Courtney Solomon. You want to get a hold of us from more information. Andrew, I'd like to... What's that? What's that? I noticed some of our people on social media have asked us, we appreciated how you talked about some movies of the year on last year's worst

Oh oh like best Right so I just thought maybe we just throw out a few titles of I was going to use this week for maybe controversial picks Just okay Only God forgives Most people detests Yeah But you and me both love

Love that movie And I was really surprised by your next this year That's also actually didn't get very good reviews or notices But I thought it was really fun time It's a solid movie it's um it's totally not what you expect from the trailer which is great there's a there's like a legitimate twist in that movie uh that's totally worth checking out there's an awesome song that plays in the movie a lot which is totally great from the uh what is it jack twilly a dwight

twilly band yeah it's fantastic song really cool movie and it's all those people right that are making those movies now it's a fucking vague thing to say but like joe swanberg amy simits tie west like that crew of like post mumblecore they're like in the movie as well yeah they're in the movie it's directed by another fellow who's in this scene yeah totally watchable movie I'll just throw another one in there because I thought of it

it's not a controversial like but short term 12 fantastic fantastic movie they got like little to no play it's getting a lot of like indie nominations and stuff like that I want to check that out and I just wanted to quickly mention that there are potential worse movies than this of the year but some of them might not really work as episodes yeah i want to give

my shout out to movie 43 for being insanely bad and also the lone ranger yes um because i want to i want to address the lone ranger yeah so here is i guess why not on our our podcast uh everybody was like oh man lone ranger definitely here's why the lone ranger's not appearing on this show none of us wanted to watch it a second time to take notes on it. It's long as shit and it's just, there's not there's not a lot there. It would just be a lot of us complaining about

Johnny Depp portraying a Native American offensively. Yeah, thank you because he's not portraying a Native American. He's playing a Native American cartoon parody. He's playing then it's sort of, it rhymes, I guess it sort of sounds like Engine, which we

talked a lot about today. That's what he's playing. He's the mascot for the Indians. Yeah, he's playing the mascot for the Cleveland Indians. I mean, actually, and this is a little year in review, so I could squeeze this in here. You know, speaking of a mascot for the Native Americans, Billy Jack passed this year. Oh, that's right. So everyone, you should check out Billy Jack.

Those movies are all streaming, aren't they? I believe most of them are on Netflix, and they're extremely long. but I find them sort of rewarding. So there's Billy Jack The trial of Billy Jack Which, by the way, epic foot battle He takes off his boots at one point and he's like

All right, well I'm going to kick all you people Baddha. Because he's a cowboy karate man. Yeah, he's like a reservation badass You know? That's pretty great. Yeah, and then there's Billy Jack goes to Washington Which I haven't seen yet.

And then before that, I think there was a film called born losers I want to say. Born losers. That was the first Billy Jack movie. The first movie that Billy Jack appeared in as the same character. What are the odds you think? He karate chops a senator in

Billy Jack goes to Washington. It's either that or he's filling out a lot of paperwork. I think he's trying to fill out the paperwork to be like, I mean, you guys aren't recognizing these treaties at all. It's been hundreds of years. What do we have these treaties for if you're not going to recognize them? And then they

run them out on a rail special interests am I right okay so that's sort of a year we'll pick up the year and review next week also yeah next week when we finish out the month we maybe talk about some faves some faves yeah yeah that's getaway from 2013 directed by Courtney solomon if you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about this fine program check out w hm podcast dot com one thing i did want to mention about the website a lot of people were writing in like, oh, hey, man, a lot of these older episodes aren't on iTunes anymore. The thing about that is we filled up our

RSS feed with data. We have so many episodes of We Hate Movies. So much Brent Spiner. So much Brent Spiner. What? We had to... Data, right? Oh, I see. Sorry. I didn't follow that.

I thought you meant we had a lot of Star Trek episodes. Well, that too. We have one Star Trek episode. Anyway, so what you can do is if you go to WHM Podcast.com, there's an episodes tab for a lot of the older movies that aren't on iTunes anymore you can find direct links

to the MP3s right on the episodes page so they're not lost your favorites like baby cakes uh... canine all those older all those older titles they're still available

you just got to get them directly from the website that's all they're there they're just not on iTunes anymore we're also on Facebook and Twitter like us on Facebook and you can follow us on Twitter we're at WHM podcast

we're very active in the social media community We like talking to folks that listen. Super active. We do things like live tweet award shows and make fun of celebrities. And it's actually cool because our listeners will actually talk about movies with each other. I mean, it's a nice little community there. It's a nice community that we've built around making fun of stuff.

I feel like it's when Lisa Simpson poured some Coca-Cola on a tooth. And it's like, well, wait, what? Who are all these people? All right. Well, you know, they're having a good time. That's totally fine. Everybody's having a good time. at WHM podcast.

Write into the mailbag. If you have something to say an email form, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Now, you two fellows are on another program in the we hate movies community. It's called Blame It on Outer Space. Oh, is it?

Yeah, what's that about? Be careful here. We don't want to let too many people know. Yeah, the John Voids of the world are listening. Right? Well, it's conspiracy theories. It's sort of like this show, but instead of a movie we're discussing

a topic such as we just recently did with Andrew actually Andy Kaufman and how he faked his death so blew the lid off that one Yeah that came out last week so you could get that now

Available now where podcasts are found Blame it on Outerspace.com at Blame Spacepad on Twitter both this show and Blameen on Outer Space are available in iTunes and on the Stitcher Radio app Clue for next week final worst of 2013.

Bald. Bald. There you go. So until next week's bald episode, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Sisker. Ben Worcester. Take it easy.