We Hate Movies - S4 Ep144: Episode 144 - Masters of the Universe LIVE

Episode Date: February 11, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang hits the stage at the People's Improv Theater to rag on one of the 1980's hunkiest flubs, Masters of the Universe! Why does it feel like we're starting with a sequel to a different He-Man movie? Who OK'd that Skeletor makeup? And why is there so little He-Man in this movie? Plus: He-Man, arch nemesis of Richard Nixon. Masters of the Universe stars Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Meg Foster, Billy Barty and Courteney Cox; directed by Gary Goddard. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

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Mums offer in-store only. Selection varies by location while supplies last. More terms and restrictions apply. See Lose.com slash rebates for details. PINN-BEN-LIN-BURY HADY HADY HADY HADY HADY HADY HADY HADY HADY HAD. Ladies and gentlemen, we hate movies! Oh, hey! Oh, you got to just change a few notes and a whole new song is made.

John Williams can't sue your ass. You can't touch it. That old bastard can't touch it. You know what he wants to be. It's to touch you all over. What? Hi! I'm Andrew Trieman. I see you would say that.

Eric Siscom. And we are We Hate Movies. Welcome to We Hate Movies Live, Masters of the Universe. Woo-hoo! I don't get why we're not calling this he-man movie. Like, he manned the motion picture. Why are you going to start with Masters of the Universe? Yeah, why we're trying to class this shit up?

Like, it's like, oh, I don't know. Ted Peacons. Did you see the movie I did? It's one of the movie I did. classiest fantasy as I've ever seen. It's up there. It's right behind Krull. Yes! Krull is a better movement. Krone should be here today.

Krong and a special appearance by Krall. So what we're doing tonight, Jamesing on the marquee and says, Listener Request Month, how many of you guys are familiar with our little program that we run? Yeah. So for those who don't know what I'm talking about, so for those who don't know what I'm talking about, every once in a while on the show, we ask people to call in and request a movie

that they would like us to make fun of it. You know, we oblige if we can. There's hundreds of phone calls, and usually four or five of them get through. So it's kind of proof of if you think about it, but it's fun. So we thought, since February is when we're doing that this year, we would kick off the bump by doing one,

that, you know, we might not have done in regular rotation. We thought this would be fun to do live. So we wanted to play you the phone call. And I just, I want to sort of contextualize what's going on here. This is someone we know who called in. And that happens and it's fine. Sure. You know, we don't feel like...

Well, it's not Snoop's dead. Steven, it's Frank. For your comedy show. You're still doing that, right? How about saving private ride? Wasn't that a load of Washington, Steven? Also, get Robin Williams on your show. It'll class it up.

That's the thing that Steve Ben actually was in. Inside the story. So, anyway, so a friend of ours called, a good friend of ours, named Danny from the Bronx, and he was in a kind of a ridiculous situation. So let's play the call, listen to how silly this phone call is. Hey, gang, it's your old personal friend and big fan. friend and big fan of the show, Dan Nod, and I'm just going to get my last minute, literally almost last minute, request, and I've got to make this sense because I'm in the bathroom and my fiancé's house during this whole procedure. So, I'm going to request Master of the Universe.

Literally the only movie I ever fell asleep in a darn kid, and I tried watching it recently and realized how terribly edited it was. I figured you guys would get a big kick out of it. I hope you used Master of the Universe starring Dalf Lundger and a young, Port and Cox. Already, enjoy your New Year's fellows. Bye. Okay. For those of you who couldn't figure out what he was saying, he was locking himself in a bathroom while his fiance slept in the other room and he whispered his request. Hundreds of phone health like that, by the way. It's very fun going for us. I just wondered a little like, occupied, uh, and uh, tough looking for the good

in that movie. I just want to do a toilet. So, masters of the universe. It's 1987. director by the guy who's he exactly he's credited as man on beach in the first X-Men movie it's a starring career it's also the fourth act of a movie you know it that are seen like the beginning of it where yeah you have to be the world's biggest man and have all the toys it's obviously for kids but not for kids it's not for kids because there's like nude men and women just running around everywhere in this movie.

Yeah, it's like a friend from a Zep poster. It's like, Luminant Dragons. What I love about Hillman's movie is we was presenting right up front, Castle Grey Skull. And they tell you the mailman dress in this one. Peerobarch, Skull 4-7. Oh, you got it? Yeah, Castle Grey Skull. The center of the universe.

Where the darkness meets the light. light. Oh, wait there. You know what? That's a busy intersection. He's short and let care of masters of the universe. Yeah, you don't want it getting lost to the interdimensional man. That shit is horrendous.

It's, so it's, apparently the first movie ended, and now this movie, it's like, Grays Falls fucked. Like, Skeletor has already won at the beginning. It's in town. It's a ruin. Wait, wait, but that was, that's not his house? No. No, he's working his way in.

That he's making very clear the intro, right? How many people here are fans of E-Man? Yeah! So we are clearly out of the movie. Apparently, according to the narration that this movie has, I was informed that whoever lives in this house is the master of the universe. So all you have to do is get a decent rate on a lease,

and you are the master of the universe. But it's kind of shitty if cute skeletons are out of there, because it's like, it's made after it. It's smalls everywhere and bones. It's made of skeletons. I know my skulls and gray. It's white in the color. Anyone?

Hello? Let's see. Now here's the problem. We have the voice of Skeletor from the cartoon. Which is this. He's kind of an old woman. I'm Brent Langela and I'm being an actor in this movie. I'm going to write in King's.

Lear Lodge. He actually wrote it, it wasn't King Lear, he was Richard the Third. Richard the Third. He swapped in like a line to Beast Man. He's like, oh, we're really fucking tickled Beast Man's ears here with Richard the Third Line. Beast Man's like, oh, he's so culture. That's the class enough. That's why you're called him. Thespian of the universe. This is the favorite role of his, of all time, that this man has played. Man was nominated for the Catholic Award for playing Richard Dixon.

This is it. This is it. Richard Dixon's skeletons were kind of close. I love evil villains who lived in a big White House. Oh, a gay man. Oh, I can't say, man. Don't think I won't get you, he, man. Rack me out, William, me man. You'll watch a curb.

Oh, I don't go up my eldest list. Worker was not in this movie. I know he's not. He's replaced by a big pile of shit. What is that dwarf thing? It's Billy Barty's head. Classic dwarf actor Billy Barty. He's a gay eye and like his head is a big triangle and it's brown so it looks at a big swirling bird.

With like eyes and mouth. How it's not a turd though is he's got like ears. Two ears. Oh, it's not a talking file of shit. It's ham. So they're from like space in the middle. like space in another dimension, maybe, feces, yes, you know.

The shit monster? Yeah, okay. What's that shit monster I'm thinking of? There's a motion dog, dog, but. Yes, dog, but yeah, there's a feces monster in that. I think Kevin Smith crypted from this movie? No, no. You know who aren't crypt anything from the masses in the universe?

No, no. Alright, just checking. So, Skeletor is one, right? He's like, just stretches his balls out on my throat. Yeah. He's just there. It's not even Day 1 to the Skeletor illustration. Doesn't have his fucking bags on bags.

Master of the universe, he lacked skeletons. No, the Swear I mean ceremony is not happening. A lot of campaign promises. He gets stuff done, Day 1, day one I'll start getting into that he-man shit right back then. And then right here he does his, it's like a state of the union for the planet. broadcast that by a hologram. It's a big old, like, Hunger Games hologram that Donald Sutherland came out.

I really like the book, Dick Morris's Skeletor of the First 90 Days. It's a real gripping to the medical thriller. But for someone who's not familiar with me, man, at all, when you start this movie, you're like, wait a second, is this a sequel? Because also the dumb-ass title, you have no clue. You know, someone could have already been done, Master of the Universe, in the first one, which was called The Man, Baby. So it's a sequel to the cartoon. I don't know, maybe. The sequel to someone's dream.

Why would you structure your movie this one, is what I'm asking? It's set in 1987, we're seeing the Earth version, maybe on Ethereum or whatever it's called. Yeah, Ethereum. And it was the first movie existed. It's a theory. What's Ethereum? That's what she wrote it, right? That's where she was living.

Oh, really? Yeah, that's the other side of the galaxy or whatever. I think I'm going to say it's atherial disease. There's a lot of stuff in this movie that could sound like an an aerial disease. Or a walking pile of shit. That's in a period. Oh my God, I have a fiery case of ethereal. This movie, I'm brutally.

They found out at work, I have a theory, and I got fired. And then then until Washington represents you. That was what the Skeletor's campaign promises was to, you know, equal, whatever, for Ethereum, for people who have Ethereum, genocide. Genocide. Oh, that's kind of what his deal is. He's not a nice guy. Skeletor? His face is a skeleton. His face three seconds.

Yeah, because it's sort of a skeleton. It's really? It's really big. For no reason. What skeletor are human that was like? was like, hey, you kid? They were just dipped in an acid bat and all the flesh rivals.

It was like, oh, this will do. Skeletor was originally George Beirazan, and that just was withered way. Nobody knows. 7'4 on a basketball player. Don't give me in the accident. I have a successful basketball career. He was my giant with Billy Crystal.

What Skeletor looks like kind of is Halloween three season as a witch. Yes. his face and he had a new one of the rest of his life. I'm here and I've made three more days for Halloween so I'm going to go working three. Set skeleton. It's like Tom Atman's one and like one kid's like, no!

And it stopped. Oh. This is the rest of my life then. Maybe Halloween three is the original movie that's in the universe. Stop it. That's all. That's what he had widge, right? That is what a he man, by the way.

So he's in this movie. You wouldn't know it was the first fucking 15 minutes. If I'm paying a ticket in 1987 to see this movie, what's a goddamn he made? But Cheats of Hax, the halting up front. First fucking shot. He better only have, like, three lines of dialogue or whatever. This was Duff Longerun's third ever motion picture behind.

He was a Thunkn movie due to a kill. And Rocky Four, so this is after Rocky Four, which he had two lines of dialogue, so he kind of beefed it up a little bit. And he insisted on doing his own dialogue line. They were like, you know what? We're going to pay someone to do an ADR Doff. Don't worry about it.

He was like, no, that's all right. I want to do it myself. Look how easy it is. But he's almost kind of a Brooklyn accent. The way his Sweden goes, it's like, hey, where are we going? It's like, how? They're like, well, how did that work? Like, is...

Oh, hey there, Billy, bud. What's the fuck's going on, man? From Kanasi. Uh, in Sweden. We don't know where it is. You know, the suburb of Stockholm. So he's farting around, like, fighting this war. It's literally the end of a war.

Like, I think He-Man's first line is like, huh, glad that's finally over with. What is over with? What happened? What are they doing? And all the characters you may want to see other than He-Man are, I guess, dead or in prison? They're all dead.

They're all dead. They're all dead. It was boring. Stellito or laid waste of the wall in salt in the earth. You actually see. There's like these, when you're like these, beautiful shots of this area outside of Grey skull. You have all these fields, and then it's like,

all these children getting kids. I mean, maybe they're whorps, but you can't tell them, it's far away, so that will be kids? It's like starting, like, your Super Friends movie with, like, Lex Muthers sitting on a throne, and Hawkman is, like, covered in blood back. Like, why? Why?

Not because it's it happened. The stakes are high. The stakes are high. And she looks right to the camera and goes, He goes, wouldn't you like to know how that happened? Anyway, back to the other movie. And it's just the only person that shows up is Man at Arms, who's played by, like, James Cromwell.

It's not actually James Cromwell, but he might as well as Shane Cromwell. He looks just like him, but he has got a mustache. And let me tell him, if this is the case of the cartoon, so I've seen of the cartoon, that Christmas special. Man at Arms is a dickhead in this movie. So disrespectful to He-Man, and I'm like, wait a second, isn't he-man, your superior officer? Like, He-Man, what's he signs the least to live in Castle Bray School, and, you know, Don's the Master of the Universe title?

He's going to be your fucking boss, man, and arms, what are you doing? Like, Dol Lundgren's like, hey, man, in arms, what are you thinking about dick, oh, no man, checking out what this pile of shit's doing. And he's like, whatever, he-man, fucking dick. Well, maybe that, you know, their friendship should be in the previous film. You're right, I mean, there are going to be all sorts of stuff that happen that we never know it. But I mean, he man is a doormat in this movie,

but when he takes that abuse. From man-at-arms, then who's the other lady? I have a T-law name? T-law? I sure. Whatever, T-Lat Mennatar or the gun. Or that's actually where I want to be. No.

I love you with that. You need a gun. The battlefield. And then this whole pile of shipwalks by, well that smells weird and they go into his house and he's like oh no he's here and he's got like apparently he's got a cosmic key that he gave to skeletor which caused all the actions of this first movie we've never seen he's like it was terrible and he says that uh that man foster remember the trailer the sexy lady coerced him to giving her this key which took me she sucked by a little bit Yeah, I guess. Weird shit sex has happened before this. Evil, whatever it is.

Yeah. Or maybe like she created a hologram to happen. Like, oh, God. It's something like that. But it's like this guy is selling weapons to the enemy. But she's a space witch. She probably doesn't have to. You know, she probably lived a lot and gets some orgasms out.

Oh, so, like, he was all, like, up here. Like, he thought he was fucking Aaron. And, like, she was over there, like, stupid, you work thing. Oh, they have a weird demolition man sex? Yes. That's what it is. She plugged him on him and fucked himself. That's right.

I'm so freaking to make the three seashells as well. Wait, wait, you just want to the three seashells. That's some weird stuff. What are you to say? Speaking of the three sea shells, this kind of is a key. Yeah. This is a megaphone upturned onto a table and it's got all sorts of weird jack curving little like prongs on it. That they make music and lights.

Why are he who does it into problems with Jack Kirby? They're just weird-looking. Jack-Rourn't? No, he made that weird, you know, or names like a cosmic key. He does. Okay, sure. I thought it's like a magic guy. You get Jack Kirby long enough.

It looks like some sort of fantastical weapon. You're a weird-looking guy, Jack Kirby. And what it does is opens vortex. It's basically a star game. It's a portable star game. Yeah. Pocket bottle. And he's got two of...

A pocket pally. He's got two of them. One he sold the Skeletor for weird sex. And the other one he kept on hand just so we get late again in the future. I said, I thought my kid didn't have one orgasm in my entire life. Right. At some point, I better keep making a backup. He's a gay.

He's sexy lady, he's black. He's having to be a turncoat to the other side again. What a fucking dirty bastard is like that is. What is made with Gilthrop? Gilgore? Rildore. Rildore. There are some fans of this.

I don't know this. And... Wait, so Rildor? They don't rendition him. They... But they fucking shouldn't! You get Saul, and you get everybody in a room, and then fucking Rupert Friend shoots bullets into your kneecap.

Homeland reference. But if you consider the black side, it's a black hole. Now, it's space. Yeah, space. Oh, wait, so what's happening? So basically, they're like, all right, let's go back, let's go, let's go get, now we can go inside the castle and become masters of the universe, too. It's just everybody, like, it's only fucking three-suitous games. Like, now you're outside, you're not the man's like...

It's just like, like, you can get him out, like it's cool, it's a Benny Hill game. Like, his suitcase goes out, everyone's getting jazzed out of the castle. There's a hapless bobby running around. A mummy comes out of the door and chases Dracula out of the corner. There could be a mummy. Now it's Scooby-Doo. I love a mummy in this movie, or Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo in the gang would make great masters of the universe.

Someone who found the full-skelter his mates in it. I see that fucking Franklin Gellon mask under there. You can use it on a raw-eye tune? What is a skeleton face? Yeah. Just give it to a pack of dogs. my face. And basically they get like asshole back to earth by accident kind of, right?

Like they open a slider's porthole. They totally remind me of sliders, which is one of my favorite side-by programs from the 90s. But yeah, it opens up, and it's one of those bullshit things where it's like, oh, it's totally by accident. I'm just pressing buttons like your little brother who's terrible at video games. And they get sucked to Earth. And again, for someone who doesn't know anything about e-man, they're just trying. about he man they had only kind of seen parts of this movie and didn't remember it I was like oh wait a second we're going to earth now oh there's gonna be a lot of

cultural confusion going on yeah but I was trying to figure out how Porky Cox beeps her way into this movement is where she is basically an orphan she's like Bruce Wayne like they're both her parents she didn't go poor Bruce Wayne well people have heard and they're talking like maybe we should just abandon our lives. Let's just leave. I'm going to visit my parents' grave one last time. I can get the bus. You know what I love about this?

So Courtney Cox, where is it? Is it California? Probably. It's awkward. It's any type of USA. And so she's like, I'm going to blow this popsicle stand. I need to start a new life. And she's moved to Jersey?

And all I can think about was she's going to move to Jersey to start a Bruce Springsteen music video. She's got some friends already. She's already in Jersey. She's born to run, man. She wants to run, but unfortunately, victim of skeletal-related circumstances. She's got this weird situation where it's like,

oh, you know, I'm still with my boyfriend, but I'm breaking up with booze. I have to leave because I'm an orphan. But he's going to drive me around this whole movie, and he's kind of just okay with it. He's totally fine with it, and another doormat in this movie, and by the way, if anyone wants to get super nerdy for the second actor playing his boyfriend is Tom Perez.

He's in Paris. He's in Paris. The only one of the shows I've ever watched the second star that guy's going on that he can't. It's true. And his name Kevin Corrigan, not in like the New York City character actor. Oh yeah, that's right. In the first you know, like, oh my God, you're going to bring up with Kevin Corrigan.

Don't bring up him Kevin Corrig. It's a 5thus successful life. And all you think is like, Mike, you're going to keep stirring that sauce from Goodellas? Good fellas? Where would that go? In a wheelchair. And basically, like, she goes to visit her parents' grave. Keyman and all his friends fall down.

And of course they lose a goddamn key. And he has, like, Skeletor kicks he man's ass. And he's like, you're not going to win you, idiot. Do you that key? And he's got some sorcerer that's got, like, you know, eternity in cancer that's dying. Yeah, she's kind of like the nice witch and wizard of eyes. And she's, like, stuck.

She's like stuck in some frozen thing. That's a lot of great opportunities for this actor to do nothing. I think she picked the wrong side of the war. Oh yeah, she lost Skeletor. You don't do that. No. Would you cross Skeletor? No.

She couldn't join up with him? Yeah. She kind of reminds that girl princess from Never Against Story and she was 61 years old. Been really tired all the time. So the idea is if she dies and, like I guess Skeletor is like half co-master of the universe with her, and she's still in the house? But what she said, you get told her true city.

No, look, God damn. I'll let you stay after I move here, okay? It's totally fine, but it's been a month. It's been a month. I would like to sit on my couch, watch some TV. You're really cramping my style here. Can I kill you now? Or you can move out.

Well, the other thing, by the way, is the essence of grace now, like, still inside her, and she won't let it go. I guess that's like, if you get the essence, that's like your inauguration. Missed opportunity to use of inner space. You straight down there, drink on the ships, go outside of her, find that mystical power. Just get that essence right out. Right to the source.

Probably a better movie than this. So we're on her, and she's going to break up with Kevin Corrigan, who we're told is the most popular guy in town. The guy was going to break up with the most popular guy in town. A waitress friend, she's living in high school man, that shit sucks. Yeah, well, this guy's in a band. It's no place. It's got a band and a synthesizer. This guy's not going to be broken up for too long.

It's going to be just on the ass. That waitress friend is foaming at the mouth. Like, you know, she's saying, you know, don't break up with Kevin Corrigan, don't move to Jersey, but inside she's like, eh, eh, ha, ha. Well, do it do you do it, do it, it's kind of like, oh, no one's eating the sandwich.

You sure you don't want this sandwich, right? right? You said you weren't hungry. It was a big sandwich. Kevin Corgan is. So before she takes off for Jersey, there's like a prom or some kind of dance that Ted McCargan's playing. It's kind of like the enchantment of the sea dance from back in the future.

And that's the Lord is kind of the same, because we're just stealing from all sorts of movies here. Well, that's why you cast Principal Strickland. Do Principal Strickland is in this movie. And we talk about the most useless character. He's around. He's a hard-ass cop that won't stay out of this movie, but he is. They don't want him in this movie, but he's going to make his way in. He's constantly called on the trailer.

He man, or whatever the hell you're going to call him, because he's the guy who sees an eight-foot monster and it's like, all right, now what's really going on? The whole movie, they're like, well, there's a legion of monsters, and they're after us, and there's this interdimensional gun. No, no, no, no, really. Don't bullshit me, son. I'm an officer in the law.

He won't bump it up, though. Like, at one point he has to accept that there are these stormtroopers and these officers. Behind us. Oh, God. Peace man. Everybody all right? What fuck is that?

So he reminds out that, you know, all this stuff's real, but he won't bump it up like the FBI or anything. He wants the collar. He does. He wants the collar. The collar. This pops are already done, damn. They're going to find that everybody was spacked down the station. station with a hauling beast bear, the skeleton monster.

And I'm going to get my picture in the paper. And I'm going to get a citation from the mayor. And maybe, if he's like talking to his wife, and maybe, honey, if I'm lucky, the king of the city. Oh my God. And she's like, uh-huh. For a detective, that's like his own great scholar.

This is like his own gray skull. He just thinks of skeletors cocaine. Like, all those kids out there, with skeletor, all those priests. I am there the skeletal bust! And, I mean, basically, Kevin finds the key, and he thinks it's a Japanese synthesizer? Shut up.

It's like to be weird looking and go, bhawn, bough. I'm thinking Japanese. I don't know what the problem is. Is it one of those bad movie jokes where everyone's like, nobody thought that. Shut up. Except for Mr. Strickland, who's like, what's this Russian or Russian? is Russian or what? He's the guy who's still really not wanting the cold warden.

Wait a second. Is that Jack Kirby? One of my notes here is honestly, because Strickland's in his ass, like, what is this? Is this a comedy, whatever? I'm like, just tell him to the fucking Simon and tell him to get the fuck out of your house. Like honestly, like, oh, it's a friend in the tell game. You wouldn't get it, old man. Let me be alone. So by the way, we're introduced to this cop played by the dude who plays message. straight like David.

James Tolkien, yeah, thank you. Because the monsters go through this dimensional portal, skeletal sentence, beast man, and a couple other photos. There are reptilian guys. There's a reptilian guy, there's a dude who looks like hanging at cock. Somebody's in, it's a little out of place. There's a five-foot guy that's a little critter. It's like, it's like five-foot tall, white hair.

Yeah, it's a, brady goblin. Framing godwin? When I watched the last one, that's what I said. There's the guy with the way years and there's gravy down. It's like that scene from Empire Strikes back, but like it's just like the extras. You know, the people in the back, way back, you don't see. The really bad downtown here. I mean, these guys are some fucking F-team assassins, but I don't know why Skeletor did not send, like, his first squadron.

And he's like, all right, oh, oh, oh, everyone has the night off. I was like, IG88 will return my calls. Beastman's like, well, I'll go to Mr. Skeletor. Fine, Beastman. Go mutton damn e-man. And once they get through the vortex, Corby Cox in the early season and says, what is this a joke?

And I was like, I don't know, Courtney Cox. Is it? Because this is terrible. And then they start beating the shit out of a gym teacher. It's like, what they go to thousands of? like you is to lend ways to a high school gymnasium. But honestly, what power do you know? I know it's the gym teach us.

This guy comes out of nowhere. He's probably had a career ending knee injury on the football field, so he's jaded all the men. And this guy comes up, he sees all these people in, you know, what he thinks are Halloween costumes or something, and he's like, oh, what's all this fruity nonsense? And they just beat him to death. It's awesome.

And the whole thing on fire, and that's kind of what, you know, Kevin's got the key. He's trying to sell it to his pal or something like that. We've got to go to Johnny Guitar Thrift Store, man, trying to park this thing. Because listen, you're a guy who's, whatever, maybe graduated high school, maybe you didn't, you're playing in this band, you're probably living in that band. Sure.

You know, play the prom and everything. You've got to hawk with every possible thing. Something's got to fill that fucking gas tent at night. And you're wondering, like, oh, well, what are he, man? And all those friends are you? They're just running around suburbia, watching fucking, fucking, shit monster, get the cute little costume, you're like, oh, that's all they're doing this movie. It's like, oh, look, the dwarf did something hilarious.

Let's all stop for a second. No, no, movie, movie, you just hang on for a moment. He's wearing sunglasses. Oh, movie, look, isn't this fantastic? Well, they don't know where it. So they spend a lot of time hanging around like a parking lot being, you know, just like, what's going on? And they sequel nice watches. Yeah, and they eat fried chicken.

Oh, you know, I think it was a great thing. Oh, you know. Because you have to see this hilarious war, just chubby thing of barbecue sauce. Isn't it hilarious? He doesn't have what barbecue sauce is. And it's going to take five minutes. But he learned very important information here that...

Eternia. Eternity. They are. Yeah, they are. They wouldn't believe it's meat. But that man at arms, like, because the girl's like, oh my God, it's an animal. And she starts, like, vomiting, spitting,

out the ribs and everything. A man in arms, because he's an asshole, was like, finally. That's a dumbass, a theory of rule, but he's ribs. Since E-Man was Master of the Universe, for a while, he probably had like a bunch of health initiatives. Like, I mean, you don't get a body like that, but you fucking take. Well, those goddamn large sodas.

Still burning. He's gone and I'm still burning. I can't still buy them. Just by two. What's that? I don't know, I lost it. Oh, no, no. He had ribs in the parking lot.

No, so basically, you know, we go back to the, you know, Tolkien or straight with what the fuck. The guy says, Sirpico, you look stuck in his cock! No, that's right. He's also that guy. He's also, like, for no reason, things like gay sex, effing, police. Whatever. That was, it was a fear. It wasn't a movie big fear.

Whatever movie. That's a whole lot of movie discussion. And basically, we're trying to do. Basically, we're trying to keep the... The middle of this movie is driving the key around in a pink Cadillac so nobody can get to him. Winston Dwarf, shit monster stole, and he pimped it out, right? And put on all these little gadgets and then we go faster.

What he does in this movie is solves Earth's oil presses. He brags, he pulls up with this hot Cadillac that he's acquired. You know, he was like, stop, I need to take your vehicle. official police business. And he's like, oh, isn't it hilarious? These dumb earth animals still use gasoline. And he's like, well, I souped it up to run on magic. And the London's like, well, it's pretty great. And then Emperor Reagan sells arms to scarecourt because you can't have magic cars. He's got some friends in the oil business. It wouldn't blow up in his face eventually. But for now, we've got this car that runs about magic. And it is the same

stock-footed shot of this caddy coming around a corner, and they're just kind of like slow the brain rate depending upon what the seat is calling. If they're chasing something, it's like, if they're like just casually driving around the town, which there is a lot of casual driving. Like, Skeletor, would like it here. Like how many shimmy people live here. And then the bounty owners go back to report that they didn't get it. This is, this is your, you know, this is you're big, like, you saw the trail. They promised fucking action and adventure. The Batwood Homers return halfway through the movie,

and they're like, mm. What a Skeletor do? Publicly execute the reptilian. Oh, it's great. Interpet racists, is what it is what it is. You got a white guy, you got a peaceman, you got a Grady Goblin, you got this lizard guy, like, well, you all know who goes first.

The attorney, the lizard guy's, oh, great. And Skeletor like, Hedukens him. And he just like melts. I don't know. It's a shitty effect. But this guy's gone. It's a skeleton.

All these other Saxons took the weekend off. You killed one. Now it down to three. Then he replaced it with, what's her name there? Meg Foster, Evil Lynn, who's like the sorceress, such and such. That kind of doesn't do much of the movie. Well, she's the one, right? Like, she's like trying to work with Skeletor, right?

She's like, listen, Skeletor. You've got a lot of good ideas. I don't agree all of them. I look forward in the coming term to working with you and trying to make attorney the best attorney we can fucking make it. And Skeletor's constantly shitting on all her ideas. So by the end of the movie, she's ready to turn.

She's ready to turn on everybody. You know, just keep kicking it when she's down, man. She will turn on it. Kelator doesn't realize that's why Skeletor is a bed later. You really need to vent her more, you know? Yeah. Yeah. This culminates in this sorceress pretending to be Courtney Cox's dead mother.

And by the way, Courtney Cox, deduct 20 competency points because this woman changes shape into Courtney Cox's dead mother. We know her to be dead because there was some sort of hilarious plane crash in the first movie that we didn't see. I saw her rain. You visited the grave, but 10 minutes prior to this. She asked her mother, aren't you dead? It's amazing, and she's like, we couldn't tell you at the time, but your father and I had been doing a lot of secret work

for the government, and we had to go into hiding, and she's like, all right, that jell is. So, what'd you marry? I'm curious. Empty coffin. Awaited every coffin. And then the dead mother's like, you know, you know, those almost aliens crack in there? Oh, that key thing? Did you get that for me?

I'm your dead mother. You thought you could do. We have been dead for quite some time. I know you're probably in a lot of shock right now. But I need you to go in there and get that thing that all those aliens are trying to kill you. I really need to give it to your mother. You thought was dead, but this is a great day. Oh, yeah, great.

It turns around, and to me, I just stopped doing it. like, well, it's pretty seen a beat. That's a great guy. The odds are one of these things turning into my dead mother are pretty fucking hot. Yeah, that you, listen, work to the box.

If there's ever some sort of interdimensional invasion, expect shapeshift there else. That should be not a lot of this. Absolutely. Much of you and that two she can happen at any time. Oh, hello, Codney Cox. I'm first president of the United States,

George Washington. And I'd leave that key gun to try. Yes, Mr. President. What father? I didn't really miss him to love him. They told me you were dead. Two hundred years ago. I wanted teeth allowed me to live forever because I threw like a tree.

Makes sense, be right now. So she gets access to it, by the way, because her boyfriend and Strickland are arguing over the gun. Like, there is a completely different domestic dispute movie happening inside this fucking plumb shop. shot. Where it's like, give me the fucking gun! Don't you give me your fucking gun! And they're like ready to blow each other's brain. Did dynamic play all of a sudden?

Shut out. When you days doing magic tricks in the background, making sarcastic quips. You should have been arrested immediately. Who? The kid. Oh, yeah. You're trying to mess with a cop.

Yeah, but here's the thing. Again, there's inter-dimensional beings attacking you. This dude on the earthball over there? Yes, it is, because there's a higher priority. There's a skeletor on the loose. Exactly. The type of a gun that opens holes to other dimensions, Eric. This fucking pot-up town detective can take a backseat for a second.

I mean, it's their right to open dimensional portals. I mean, it's a free country. It is a free country. You're right. The best part is Skeletor kind of shitting around suburbia? Because, like, he really, look, he not only gets it. Right, he drives through the Stargate with a sick-ass drive. If it's a real, I'm going to have to do it myself so much.

And Skeletor is really aggravated by this because he just moved into a new house, there's so much stuff to unpacked, the art's not even on the wall yet, he doesn't have any of his books out, and now he's got to go cross-dimensions to Earth to handle the shit that his F-Team assassins couldn't take care of himself. You think when he does that, like two of his guards that are next to that row, like, you know, Larry, you're sitting that chair around him. You know, you'll be master of the universe. You're speaking.

With Dave, you're saying all we have to do, throw stuff out the front of the front of law, move my stuff in, and then I'm master to the... Yeah, you got... The attorney has got squatters right, so he's gone. Yeah, he literally took memory assassin that I've worked in this castle with him. I wonder at the skeletal coming back to his, to a yard sale. They're just selling bones and swords.

Everywhere. And then a bunch of scratch 45. 45s. My snow publisher. I don't know my records. You can't get it. That's expensive. So basically, I mean, they get the keys,

go towards like Eden E-Man, and like, He-Man agrees, like, there's a bunch of, like, small, bad, really slow action scenes that we're not talking about, where, like, he-man's using really slow snort-fighting techniques. You would think it's a no-brain, right? no-brain right the combination of huge Game of Thrones as broadswords and lasers yeah holy flippin christ is that great he draws the moment at once which is a sightless oh yeah one of them's got the sword and it's firing wildly it's fantastic but somehow this movie

still manages to put you to sleep during all of it so after one of these action scenes Skeletor pours like acid on the corny cox's thigh is like, eat it. And she's like, all right, well, I guess to say with my friends, I'll give up being master of the universe forever. And forever, like this, this, this, this, this, tossing everybody's stuff out of the apartment gang is over with it. And he becomes Skeletor's sex slave at this point.

Because you're like, like, chains, and like, he's already naked anyway, so it works. Who's like fucking, the guy from Rocky Harrow, Like Rocky Bar is the creation there? Oh, yeah, Frank Borders created. Well, Rocky Marr is the creation. Dr. Frank N. Ferder is the scientist who are referencing. Please use a scientist.

He has a doctor. He has a doctor. And then they break out the laser whips? They do make a male laser whips. It's just weirdly like, it's a weird laser wimsy. I want to watch this. It's here. There's a couple of the word slay for a while.

Yeah, I know. It's a... It's a... It's a good combination. Right? Well, it's in the future in a different dimension, so it's like that's... Well, it's kind of like in Space Jam, like they keep using the word slayed, and you're like, you know what?

Maybe you should tone that back on it. It's a lot... It's like, oh no, the... The mind. Stars are gonna slam it though I don't want to be a sway. You're like, ooh! Elmer and the rest. You know, Michael George's just shaking his head in the back.

You know, okay. Not for me. Can we just play basketball? All here to play aerodynamic basketball. Here's this talk for my teammates. I think skeletons should have hired them. of the monster. They're way bigger than Beast Man and all the other nonsense.

Yeah. The nonsense characters. And now there's a very long scene where, like, the whole time Kevin's like, yeah, the musician and like, rule college, it's like, I didn't have music master. Oh, because, by the way, everybody, this little talking turd reminds us that, well, Kevin, the universe just runs on a song. If you please. He is a scientist.

He is an attorney and scientist. And then it's all music. Well, rather waves of music. They zap themselves back to eternity and pure Courtney Cox and also save him for being like, you know, put a ball gang in his back a godman that's going on. When they go there, they take me an entire parking block so there's half a car.

and then James Dolgan's there and he's freaking out he doesn't know what the hell's going on and he's had flashbacks to southern war he just is it's Korea and by the way before we go back to attorney yeah I just wanted to mention something pointing out like the production down in this movie is zero projection garbage is so Skeletor right Skeletor makes this grand entrance like it's the biggest portal that's ever portal in the world right and it comes in on a fucking Macy's Thanksgiving Day of the money in the hour, and he's just here, like, I'm here, not a me. And there's all these, like, stormtroopers with like rip off Darth Vader helmets on, like marching and everything.

And no one is around for this time. Or is zero out. Everything is bored enough. It's like, me no, Morton since hideout town in his state of Ireland. And there's 6.30 and the town went fucking dead. There's no one on the street. The shops are closed up.

And by the way, we just have. had that hilariously large fire at the high school? Yeah. There's still people. And you hear about the fire at the high school? Oh, my God! The high school went down! Oh my god!

It's the biggest story of all time in this town. The rip joint is definitely open-laying. You know that. Where are these extras? How do you do this? You don't want, because all the extras are wrapped up with this fucking paper. It's all the same people.

Well, you... The high school is a fighter. I don't know if you heard this, but there might be an alien fight after. Stay inside to that door. I guess so, but let me tell you, the vortex opens and there's a big skeletal man on a float. I'm hearing my head out of the window. There is an airborne skeletoid event happening outside. I'm not going outside.

All right. It's bullshit. Every bit band is that the airboard skeletoric. That's yours. It's every the tape. I can find a Japanese synthesizer. Grab that same. A couple of dudes. you were friends with in high school and just do it.

All right, so we're going to turn it, we're back there. The only way this could end is super skeletal, right? That's it, that's, you know, like any... In the great history of shitty villains, the other super shredders, you know, other super things. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Yes.

He gets a beauty, he dresses like, I don't, I don't, I think, I... It's so... It's funny. It's Chow-Con for the world now. Yeah. It's what it comes with gold. Oh, yeah. Because, oh, by the way, that,

by the way that witch died and her essence fell out and skeletor-gated. And he is now full-on fucking master of the universe. Five years. Somebody is a master of the universe. Then wait 87 minutes for this horseshit. But the fights ran over again. Of course not. The fighting's never over. James Dolk-Sriglin shoots like 30 guys in the shotgun.

He just keep walking into it. But he has been transported along with part of the parking lot, five other people, including the talking turd by and he's still like, I don't know about all these monsters. Are you sure you're not a bunch of teenage drug dealers? I'm entirely sure. How could you be? I mean, I guess he's a guy that runs by fax, but I mean, when he's just fucking staring in the face, man. When he comes to the show, you know, he's there and he's in the shit and he's just fired

a brag taking ear necklaces. He's a lot of ear necklaces at his house. Like some out at dinner parties. One of the thing is the body count, the I do body count in this movie, I think it's like 41 or 45, because there are just so many of these, like, robot people. Like, it's obviously, you can always kill a robot in the movie, or somebody dressed like a stormtrooper, so you kill, like, they get blasted to shit. There's so much awesome laser death.

But it's kind of, like, overkill. Yeah. Because when I, I can, you know, stop following what's happening. I'm like, wasn't that guy already murdered? Yeah. Because, I mean, they're using the same shots. It's really poorly. And now he finally grabs his sword and yells, I have the power.

And some fat guy in the back of the opening night is like, fucking fight him! This is supposed to happen, right? Isn't it by the power of Ray Scala? What does that come in? He doesn't say that in this one, he just drops that line. Oh, that's what that's the sequel? Or what? By the power of Konoxia, I have the power. The power of the ass into the L train.

Here comes a fucking broad sword. Perfect. So we get, right, we're so excited. Here it is. The King Man Skeletor fight. Right? Yeah. We got a little tinny stuff at the beginning.

But then Skeletor instantly won. So we're like, all right, we're in for a great fight, right? Great choreography. It's the big third actor. No, it's just as quick as the first fight. He's fucking burps in his face and Frank Nigel falls on his leg. He trips. And it's like, you know, a shaft.

Like how the Emperor wins, yes. You heard the Palpatty was next to him? He's like, you too? Is it, you know? Just another Monday. He's a little Calpatine looking at. Oh, yeah. And it's that force lightning.

It's purple horselighting. Oh, man, right. Yeah, they were like, you each other when they go down. Yeah. Ticklice. Sap. Saps.

I just want to know what this is about like. I feel really bad. really bad now. It hurts! Good example would be that sort of malady. And... The Death Star blows up. Yeah, basically. I mean, now he's just asked for the universe.

The sorceress, who we were told is, fucking, get it, big that no matter what. We saw the woman wilted into a pile of sand or whatever. And she's back alive. Just why not? There's no stakes in this movie. And now this key that we've been told, the entire film, is a dimensional key.

dimensional key. Go from this place to that place, nothing about time. And the little pile of shit is giving her a thing. And she's like, it's like, you know, I can take me back to time. And she's like, wait, and forget it, and they don't mention it again. Like, the portal is open. Yeah, okay, it's open. They've already said their goodbyes, everybody's hugged and kissing and crying.

And you be fan, I will miss most of all. Strickland, the brave warrior, decides to stay behind. Reason? The women. It's bullshit. He's just like a hero. It's amazing. It's like the end of Ghostbusters 2 when there's magically that Roman painting.

Yeah, when they're all in toad. Cartoon, fucking Strickland. He's wearing a bed sheet eating grapes like, this is great. This is great. This is fantastic. And the sex slavery is pride. What do you mean you don't have a beast? No!

He's going to eat that little turrets in that, that's a nice terry roast. And so. I could be new. Oh no. But I'm a scientist. Not before. So she goes back and she's in her bed and she's dressed like, I don't know, like primed something around. It's like one of those 80s, like, sleeping gowns and they...

What was these... She just, the back before, she saw a public reading by Charles Dickens. And then who does she see? Dead mother. I would be a little gut-shy about that dead mom. And totally got bored inside. I'm a detector. Oh, don't kill it!

You know, Cosmic Keys, Mom. What? And it's amazing. This whole thing, by the way, we didn't mention it, is Courtney Cox, in his recent is responsible for their demise because apparently what whatever how many years ago it was that her parents tied in this plane crash she put the bottle of the way exactly the parents plane talking about blowing up in your face no but so they were supposed to go to the beach like a nice family beach day and she was like no I have to stay home and study translation go fuck that boyfriend missing the hottest piece in town so the parents were like oh we don't want to go to the beach we'll take our private jet to wherever and it crashes and they dies and the whole thing is like she blames herself so she's like oh hey listen i know i said i had a big test out to study for fuck it let's go to the beach and

the dad's like oh god damn it'll go and skiing it's been decided we were changing that plane up right now and he gets really pissed about it she's like but no you're gonna die that's a bunch of fortune we're taking this plane you give those airplane keys back to me Within its house keys, marquee. Whatever that is. And I understand, by the way, they're living in a modest house. Is it a Boeing key town? It doesn't make any sense that this man owns a plane, but he's, I guess, a big man of John Travolta.

So what is it? He's an amateur flying enthusiast. So she steals the maps and the navigation equipment and it's like, and it's like, you'll thank you later when you're not smaller in your pile of your own death. And the runs out, like, you know, I got my backup key. Now I don't really know where I'm going. That storm cloud looks pretty good.

It's all right, honey. I'm all on it well, like, let's go. And, I mean, that's the end of the movie, almost. Yeah, they like reuniting the street. Yeah. And then, do you remember that what just happened? Yeah, the boyfriend, like, runs out. He's like, hey, your parents aren't dead, right? Perfect. And words.

And they hug. And that's the end of the movie. And I'm like, now, wait a minute. I thought that this movie was called Masters of the Universe. How about a final shot on the Master of the Universe? He-Man is an afterthought of this movie. All of a sudden, Gordon Cox and the dude from Voyager are like these main characters that nobody gives a shit about.

A penit ticket for an E-Man. Give me E-Man. At the end, they were prized to shot with him saying, I have the power for a second. It's like superimposed over nothing. It's really, it's the equivalent of like Batman and Robin running at the camera. It's not a final shot with Batman and Robin doing something. No, it's just garbage to put on a fat guy's t-shirt.

No, it's Sandman, sorry. Perfect. So you think that's at the movie, and it should be, but by 1980's rules, not only do you need a super, you're feeling to super himself. He ain't necessarily a bit. He's not necessarily good. He's not necessarily fit. We get ready to roll the stinger at the end of all this.

We'll get out of your way, everybody as you can see this. Speaking of horseshit. So this is acting the credits. There we go. Wow, I'm so glad we spent all this money to come see Masters of the Universe. Oh, so it. Start the car. This is over with, right?

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Hey. Oh, me back. Oh, you're Angel. Oh, my man.

Oh, you're a sumptuous prick. It's... And how about them not shaking that pit? You know, there's just water in there? By the way, that's in the He-Man's house. It's He-Man's hot tub. Oh, wait, maybe.

And see, it's a plumbing system. You just, you know, he, uh, makes shins off there. We're going to ship up you forever. That's your punishment? No! No! He's fat, no! Oh, another eating vegan burritos!

No! He's going to climb on a little train like Batman in Baines Prison. That's how the sequel starts, was Frank Langell and covered in feces. Took weeks to climb up his wall. Covered in shit. Covered in beast men's shit. That's what he gets up and he was pushing back ground. Not to garden. Would anybody recommend masters of the universe? Yes.

He would? Yeah, I think it's a lot of fun. Yeah. Uh, yeah, that's all here. I had a great time and with, uh, it's so bad, it's good. We would qualify this as they're so bad and it's good. Yeah. It's hilarious. It's all over and can't speak the licking English. It's fine. It's a lot.

Or not even just like saying the lines that he's number as phonetically, which is always successful in any actor. Yeah, it's a joan. And that, all right, you know, that lizard guy died for this movie. Before him, of course, time. Where's the lizard guys, I'll be back, finally. And I'll be back, of all things. That sucks. Yeah.

That's, you're cribbed from Motherbug. Anything original about this? This is what happens when you make a movie on the toy line. There's fucking nothing there. I turn it's crimping from this, right? Or was... I don't think it. It was 84.

84. Crib. Very nice. Tugs Crib. That's Masters of the Universe for 1987. We know we hate movies. That's for coming in, everybody.

That's for coming in, everybody. The next time, come. and you're I'm a yeah I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm You're going to be. Thank you. Thank you.