We Hate Movies - S4 Ep147: Blame It On Rio

Episode Date: March 4, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang takes a creepy trip south to point and stare at Michael Caine in the incredibly disturbing Blame It On Rio! Why is there a parrot in almost every shot? Has Michael Caine ever been seedier? And why doesn't Demi Moore step in and stop this madness? Plus: Is there anything you can't blame on Rio? Blame It On Rio stars Michael Caine, Michelle Johnson, Joseph Bologna, Demi Moore and Valerie Harper; directed by Hollywood legend, Stanley Donen. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Siddak, Chris Cabin, and we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in. If you are new to the show, welcome. Take a seat. Take your coat off. Make yourself comfortable because you're about to get really uncomfortable with 1984s Blame it on Rio, directed by Hollywood legends Stanley Donan of singing in the rain, bedazzled charade. I mean, it would have to be his last, like, feature filming. It has to be. Yes, this is, this is the period you want on your career. I don't think I've ever done this. this, but if this is your first time with us, stop it. Go listen to like maybe Batman Forever. That's a fun one. Everyone's having a good time in that and then come back to this.

Yeah, Steve, Steve, you have a point. This is advanced level we hate movies right now. It absolutely is. Because this is the one you're going to have to take a shower afterwards. Yeah, yeah. So I hope you've been with us for a while. Oh, those are good guys. Those guys have a lot of fun. A couple of good-natured fellas

watching some cheesy movies. not ones that rip your heart out and dampen your soul Okay, you've had your fair shake To turn it off Here we go Steve What is this movie about? It's about two old friends

One is Michael Kane Welcome back to the show, sir Get rid of some bad impressions Thank you The other is Joseph Bologna Who Hi Not Al Pacino

Joseph Pellodia, he's in a bunch of stuff. Most famously for me, for no good reason. He was on the Married with Children's Spinoff, Top of the Heap, as Matt LaBlanc's father. I think you were the only guy that watched Top of the Heat. I watched a ton of it. I mean, like, a bunch of stuff. He's like an Italian-American character actor. He's a funny guy.

They're both like old friends, and they have this trip to Rio together that they're about to embark on. And for some reason, Michael Cain's wife decides, who was played by Valerie Harper, a.k.a. Rota decides she doesn't want to go on. She's going to go on a separate vacation and think about some stuff because of their marriage. And they bring their daughters along. One is played by Demi Moore. That's Michael Kane's daughter. And then the other one is kind of relatively unknown Michelle Johnson, a bombshell, if you will. She plays Joe Bologna's daughter. So it's just dad to dad, daughter and daughter. Let's take a trip to Rio and turn our back on society. And it's mores. Turn our back on society. Turn her back on tradition, on family, on friends.

Friendship. Friendship. Just anything not associated with chaos whatsoever? Let's turn our back on all of it. I mean, turning your back on it, maybe, but this is like pissing in the face of whatever you once knew as society. Doing something with a cock, Chris. I'll tell you that. The gang in Crash, the J.G. Ballard, David Cronenberg, joint were a bit more, would be a little upset about this? Watching it with like Elias Cateas' character, he'd be like, ew.

Oh, wait, they're doing what? Oh, Holly Hunter, get over here. Get all that glass off you. Get over here and look at this. They're doing that. And it's not in Maryland Monroe's car? So, here we are. We're on vacation.

We're in Rio, the sexiest city in the world. The most kidnappiest place that ever was. It's where you want to go in the 1980s and just let your teenage daughters run wild on a beach topless. Can we just listen to the opening theme and the theme of Blame on Rio? Because it's just rattling around to my brain and I want everyone to get it. Yeah, yeah. Because you know, if we have to handle it this

way, others should know, like, where we're at. So you hear this about a dozen times in this movie. What if we both went a little bit crazy? Blame it on Rio. What if my heart's got a little bit hazy? Blame it on Rio.

What if we act like fools, bro? a few rules What do we care? Blended on the own So there it is. That's just Inya nestled in between your brain. It's not going anywhere.

It's that and fake Michael Jackson songs. They keep on saying that you're doing something right, which is really the wrong tone for this movie. Just talk about the worst choice for song lyrics. Irony. So Joe Bologna is going through a bad divorce and he's just your standard. They're both incredibly rich. I don't know what. Joe Bologna owns a business. I think Michael Cain owns a business maybe or they work together. They're in business together. Yeah, they're in business. It's some sort of factory because Joe Bologna hilariously has an office like in the center of this work floor. Like he's got he's got a bunch of like soundproof walls around him like when you see a drummer on Saturday Night Live and they're just in that like glass case or whatever. whatever. Man, that, I mean, that must been a really long talk with the architect. Look, I know I should be

like overseeing things literally. As the boss, I should be above my workers. But you know what? Fuck it. On the floor with him. I'm in the business here. I need to be on the killing floor. And, you know, he's going through a bad divorce. Michael Kane is totally shocked. Like, he's kind of admitted that,

you know, things are dead between him and his wife, but he's really shocked that she doesn't want to go on vacation. But also, we're treated to kind of when Harry Sallie-esque, let's talk with the camera in a blank room thing. Yes, Michael Cain is the Greek chorus, as is the other lady there, Michelle Johnson. The two of them chiming in when necessary to fill us in on some of the details of this story. To prepare us.

And like, I didn't know what this movie was. And I'm like, okay, it's like a funny sex farce. It's like maybe he looks at this girl. like she's scantily clad throughout this entire movie and I'm like obviously it's about her liking him because Michelle Johnson's like I always had a crush on Uncle Matthew and it's just uncomfortable yeah well you know very early in the movie oh you get the gist you get the gist of what's going on so like Michael Kane's talking and he's like oh my marriage was in shambos it was I was married to a TV star and she ate in my guts and we we were supposed to go on this vacation. She decides she's going to go to club med. I'm supposed to go to Rio with the kid. Well, I'll get back at you, I will.

Oh, Will here. This will teach you, Rota. This will teach you Rota to change your vacation plans on Michael Cain. This will teach you. A lot of the last minute like that. Oh, you think this marriage is dead now. Oh, you think this is a corpse. You wait and see who I do to this marriage by the time you get back.

Let me tell you something. You think this marriage is ruined now. I'm gonna blow it to fuck up Let me just tell you honey You enjoy that poo And you enjoy those drinks Because you're about to get the fucking blown world How come nobody says

I'm going to club med anymore Did they go out of business I feel they must have That was the place right now It's everybody's going to sandals Yeah I'm going to sandals Sandals I don't think anybody says I'm going to sandals

I think they're like I'm going to sandals I think you should be saying the place you're going to Not just the, because that's a, oh, I'm going to the Hilton. Where? Oh, you know, the Hilton. Down the road.

We're still up for the night. Oh, okay. You just, I don't, see, and I've, I've never been to Club Med, never booked a trip, never made plans, but I don't know if they're out of business or what, but in, in, in entertainment, it used to be like, man, where are you going on vacation? I've got to go to Club Med for a while. Yeah. Oh, all right.

Club Med, that sounds pretty good. Early 90s comedies, they were dropping that in. Oh, where are you going to go, club med. Yeah, it depended on, like, like, the, like, the class of people. People, like, married with children, oh, where are you going to go pick, club med? Like, really, like, sarcastic or the, you know, the richer folks, like, oh, we're just going to club med. The Golden Girls, oh, we're going to Club Med. That's my Golden Girls' oppression.

Ma, we're going to Club Med. I'm bringing Sam. Why would you go to Clubbed? That's a Selgeti. Back in Naples, we would always want to go to the watering hole. Man, she would never. shut the flying fuck up about the old country on that show

like she moved there moved from there when she was like 30 there was this vague idea that she was connected like at the end of every episode somebody is coming up like some Sicilian guys like what do we do? Well take care of we gotta take care of well I guess our friend

won't be around for Christmas and she's like pruning a tree and he knows what's going on there was definitely a few mentions of the old country where she was just like oh the old country she was talking about it all the time their thing. Anyway, this movie is they go to what I'd like to

effectively call the parrot house. It's the craziest living accommodations I've ever seen. It's all greenery. There's a couple of parrots in the yard. I'm like, wow, that's how do you get those parrots there? And then they go inside and there's more

parrots. There's so many parrots. They go left. There's more parrots. There's parrots in the bedroom. There's a chican over there. Live birds. all over this place. It's like someone just put a roof over the jungle. Exactly. And there's like bad wallpaper of like jungle

scenes and it's really hard to make heads of tales of what's going on in one scene to the next because of like, are they outside or the inside? Well, you have to do that to make the monkey comfortable. There is a monkey in the house in the first scene. But I don't know what happens to that monkey. There's also a peacock that's just constantly laying eggs and that's a gag throughout this movie.

Like, it lays an egg and she's like, Ew, it's warm. It's like juggling. I mean, it's a little, like, fucking wink at you being like, oh, fertility, right? You don't think anybody in this house is going to fuck, do you? Man, we are just doing all we can to not talk about what this movie's about, huh? It's gross.

Because you think you get the idea. And, like, usually in a movie about an older man and a younger woman, like, especially not legal age of 17, which is kind of iffy, ify, depending on the state. Usually it's the dance around it, right? It's like, will, they, won't they? She likes him. She keeps, like, trying to come on to him.

And he's like, oh, my goodness. And, like, it's, like, really uncomfortable. That doesn't happen in this movie. Nope. They have raunchy sex multiple times. This girl is naked throughout the entire movie. And she wasn't even fucking legal when they made it. Nope.

Her awesome parents had to sign consent forms for her to be nude. full frontally nude in this movie. So they decide we're going to make the most of this trip. Rota decided to go to clubbed, and that's Rota's decision. But we're here. And then Joseph Bologna, by the way, because he's in the middle of this divorce. He is just Johnny on the town

and he's ready to get some tail wherever he can find it. Well, that's the thing. It's not like, hey, let's go to Rio. We'll see the beach. This is a sex vacation for everybody. Oh, yeah. It's not like, oh, let's see what the ruins. Let's go to the fucking, you know, let's go down to San Pao. I'll see what's going on over that. No, no, no. a sex vacation. A real fucation.

It's a fuccation, man. And the dads are like talking, like, they're driving from the airport and they're like, I just, I did a steering real motion. I appreciate it. I know what it's what I look like. They're driving from the airport and Joseph Bologna and Michael Cain are like, so you girls are going to meet a bunch of pretty guys down here or what? You're going to be playing with the boys? And so it's like, listen, Joe Bologna, when you find out that your daughter, you know, has been sleeping around, you don't know who. necessarily. Why are you shocked? Like, he's so upset, but it's like, you've been encouraging this behavior from Jump Street. It's all like, oh, you guys go off on your own. I want to go off on my own. You fuck, I fuck, everybody fucks. We're going to be having a great vacation. Everybody's just going to be fucking and suck until the sun comes up. Well, apparently the 17-year-old supposed to tell him every time he, every time she fuck somebody. This guy's the dumbest father

in the world. Like, so he starts having suspicions that his daughter might be sleeping with someone. And he says to Michael Kane that they made a passion. act that right before she was ready to have sex with a boy, she would tell, she'd call him and tell him right away like, hey, it's happening. We got one. And Michael Cain's like, well, you're clearly the dumbest father that's ever lived. Who's going to call and tell you that? Look, we're 12 years away from cell phones, right? So that's out the window. Let's just imagine that they're in a room where it has a phone. Are you going to be in a room that? is she gonna stop is this guy gonna stop i mean what what the fuck are you stupid are you fucking

are you fucking mad i mean take it for me the guy isn't going to stop that guy's not gonna stop no way no how so we're in the parrot house everybody's just getting comfortable there's a snooty made that just does not like michael can and i'm like i get it it's a kind of an open door closed door farce maybe it's gonna be like they keep almost having sex and like you know she's in scantily clad outfits and a bunch of misunderstandings they're gonna have happen yeah exactly like like she opens the door and it's like her eyes bug out it's really daffy duck and whatnot i imagine it's something like he like she's in his bedroom and they're on the balcony and like she has him up on a corner like she's like why don't we do this and he just like

knocks himself over the balcony something like that falls into a big thing of bushes that's a fun movie for everybody i could actually almost take my kids to that movie almost sort But, you know, unfortunately, all my dreams about a fun, light sex romp, like Hamburger the Motion Picture, which I watched recently, are totally shattered at the point where this girl, in her Greek, Greek chorus monologue here, tells the world that she knew she was ready for love right about the time she got to move down to her smaller retainer. It's chilling. It's really, it's bone chilling. It's just playing up your spine, because it just stays. Step by step by step. Because she keeps calling her father, daddy, and him Uncle Matthew.

Daddy, Uncle Matthew. I don't know. Demi Moore isn't doing the daddy stuff because she hates her dad's fucking fat guts in this movie. Oh, absolutely. Before and after all the romping. And during. Before during and after the romping. She will always hate this man.

Oh, it's a full steam brood. It's a full going on brood. But she's actually the best character in the film because, uh, She says the lease, she does the lease, and she doesn't fuck anyone who's much, much older than her. And she doesn't try to dance around, like, what she's doing. Like, that's the real problem here is that Michael Kane never just is like, yeah, I'm fucking a kid. What of it? It's all right, right?

I'm fucking it's fine. So you think it's this light sex romp, and then they go to the beach, and this girl is totally naked, except for her undergarment down there. But you're talking about a bikini bottom. A bikini bottom. I'm just trying not to be fucking disgusting. Because you know what's coming up. I mean, this movie's fucking disgusting. It's disgusting.

I'm trying to not. I'm trying to, like, it's, you're in a room and the water keeps waiting in. Now you're on the dresser and you're just trying to stay dry. It's just not going to happen. I mean, you're calling it water. We're all going to fall into this puddle eventually. And, you know, she's totally naked and Demi Moore because she wants to be a legitimate actress at this point. I mean, she's a legitimate actress to this day, is doing the hair over the breast thing.

But it's like, it's real. Blame it on Rio, baby. This is what happens. And like, Joe Bologna is like, oh, look at my beautiful girl over there. Oh, look at those things. Oh, my goodness gracious. And she's like, hey, daddy. And they give a hug and she's naked.

And it's, at this point, I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So it's a big party. And it turns out that someone's getting. married on the beach. So they go to kind of like, you know,

give congratulations and whatnot. So Michael Cain and, and this woman walking, what's the character's name? Jennifer. Jennifer. So, you know,

Matthew, Uncle Matthew, uncy Matt and Jennifer walk into this like little bridal area and whatnot. And, you know, he's like,

well, can I kiss the bride? I sure do love kissing young girls I do. And this lady's like, if anyone should be getting kisses, it's me because I'm the one who facilitated.

this marriage and blah blah blah crazy black magic prayers which kind of comes back but not really yeah there's a little bit of a hoodoo voodoo going on in here so we get at Bernice 2 kind of magic a little bit of witchcraft going on so uh so then this lady's like well now like it's part of the celebration

we all have to go dance in the ocean and I'm going to light this wedding dress on fire and take it out there and put it out and that's what we're going to do so here we go everybody into the pool speaking of burning things down I got a pretty reasonable relationship with my best friend and business upon it. So they all go into the water, except for Joe Bologna.

He's out, he's getting some other tails somewhere. He's there to fuck. And he's like, come on, Michael King, Sam. And he's like, no, no, I can't my wife. Oh, I'm just such, I'm in such a state over my wife. I cannot believe it. What a stupid cow. Hey, look at all these age-appropriate women.

I'll go with one of them. Well, he's also going on and on about, oh, my fucking divorce. Oh, my God. Now I've got to fill out all this paperwork. She's taking half of everything. It's like, shut up. I know how. divorce works movie. I mean, if you've seen

Raw, just don't listen to Joe Blona's dialogue here. You just mute it every time. I love to mute a bunch of this fucking dialogue. I'd love to mute all of Jennifer's creepy dialogue. So they get out into the water and, you know, this priestess is burning this wedding

dress and everything. This couple who looks totally unhappy is like standing watching this huge fun hip party happen in the water. And all of a sudden Jennifer just goes up to Uncle Matt and just starts making out hard with this dude and you know what Michael Cain's okay with it he's he's fine he's like oh it's in the moment he's like

oh wait a oh right and Demi Moore is just like disappointed she looks she sees it happen and she's like she's right there too yeah yeah hey Jennifer no less than 12 feet away from this yeah why don't you save that shit for when we get back to the parrot house okay when we can be behind closed doors. A nice stiff, like, not push, but just, like, away. Yeah, just push a little, there you go. Get away. No, nope, we can't do that.

And that's when it happens. They go, they find a quiet area to themselves. She gets down on her knees. She gets down on it. Takes a retainer out. That's out. And she says, make love to me. But here's the thing, she's like, make love to me,

no, no, okay, it's disgusting. my God, my old friend Joe Bologna, what will he think? What, what's going to happen? Oh, my God, I'm in such a flustered state. And she gets down on his, and then takes out her retainer. He's like, oh, well, it's on, baby. It's just, that's the thing that drives you over the edge, you fucking creep. Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at that. Out it goes. In I come. And he specifically says Joe Bologna later, because spoiler he finds out, he's like, well, I'm not some deviant standing in a school yard. I'm not. Like, of course you are. Like, just because you're in Rio, you're just a...

Well, yeah, you don't have to go to the schoolyard to make this happen, Michael Cain. You just take this girl on an extravagant Brazilian vacation. Blime it on Rio. My defense here is that I'm blaming it on Rio. By the way, she goes over... They have sex, like, amongst the rocks on this beach. Yeah, you can't park a boat over there. She runs away.

You do not follow her. No. You just stand there in the ocean. Back to the parrot house. Dude, go back to the parrot house, jerk off. You saved your life. Hang out with your parent friends, talk to them. See if you can fuck that maid, honestly.

You just, yeah, fucking anybody other than your best friend's daughter who's 17 with a retainer. There's a bunch of eligible, like, Kappa Weta Instructor. It's just hanging out. Just fucking go away. She'll find one of them. It'll be over. I mean, look, here's the thing. I know nothing about Rio de Janeiro other than from what this movie tells me,

which is that it's the most fuckable city on the planet. is what this movie has told me at least it was in 1984 go out do anything don't follow her into this dune and get it on I feel like even fucking just like the mayor of Rio de Janeiro

watch this movie oh no oh we're so fucked now we'll never get the World Cup in the Olympics we need to change our ways I also would love I mean thankfully this movie is forgotten but I would love a situation where you're at the video store

and it's like you've got your kids like oh we've seen Rio what's the next one calls it Rio too is it blame it on Rio I don't know let's blame on Rio there's a parrot on the cover fine there's a bunch of parents on the cover none of them talk but they might as well

hiding people's genitalia so they have sex on the beach and you know we kind of fade out and I'm like oh thankfully I mean thankfully a fade out but it's a bit of a tease fade out you know why because it just transitions into him sleeping on her naked ass. It's so

weird, man. And he's got his Michael Cain granny glasses on. And it's the 1980s granny haircut. So it's like this lady, this 17 year old lady girl wanted to blow her grandmother. She's as old as his perm.

It's just like so disgusting. And he went and like he's got some friends in the area and they're like, oh hey Michael Caine he's like putting sand all over himself like pretending and going like 10 yards away and like having this conversation with a huge erection under the sand which let ah man how about this sand in your ureth no don't do it don't get out of here get out of here being naked on a beach ever in who wants sand under the hood ew no ha ha ha nobody does that's why it's horrible that's why

Beach sex is impossible and this movie's awful. And I would like to stop for a second and remind you at the beginning when we said you shouldn't listen to this as your first episode. This is not we hate movies for beginners. It's not light. It's definitely not light. This is after dark. If we could change this, maybe change the side to like a neon side against a brick wall for one episode. This would be it. Or just like take off our usual theme song and I put like a good like soft like, oh, girl from Ipanema.

Oh, hey. Welcome to We Hate Movies. We hate movies. We don't hate expressions of sexuality. Yeah, that could work. Sure, sure. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough.

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which stands for we hate movies so he wakes up oh i'm such a fool i'm such a oh what a bloody blithering fool i am i can't believe it and like maybe in the world i'm like well you were drunk you know you're in rio you're desperate this girl throws herself at you you're still going to jail you still deserve to go to jail

but like you did it the one time and you're an asshole and an idiot and it's that it's that one time right michael can and it's going to haunt you for the rest of your life but you're like you know what blame it on Rio blame it on Rio I will blame that one time on Rio maybe look you hit you slipped

up Roto was at club med you slipped up and fucked a kid whose parents are going through a divorce like what's the fuck Of course they're going through it. So he's waking up. The sun has risen again. It's a new day.

It's a new day. We're in Rio. Find all sorts of other things to blame on this fine city. He's having a shave. And she runs into this bathroom. Hello, future husband. Hello, Uncle Matthew. And he's like, he's so terrified.

He cuts his cheek wide open. And she's like, let me kiss it. Let me kiss it. make it better let me drink your blood so she's like all over him and he's like oh fuck what this ain't good and it's such a weird child molester thing to say to somebody just turn around like she's having all sorts of crazy feelings because obviously you're the fucking adult here and you weren't an adult last night and she's like I love you I want to be with you for the rest of my life I can't wait to get married and he's like well oh that was a dream last

night it was just a crazy dream we're gonna forget we're gonna lock away right and we're never gonna tell our parents and i'm like are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me you're trying to convince you i mean more or less an adult that she you were just asleep yeah and then she's like wait so you're saying that we essentially had the same dream he's like yeah it's crazy right blame that on rio everyone has a shared dream space like the matrix right it's not like you take a Blue pill or a red pill. We both got on to Nebuchadnezzar, and that was it. So they're having one of several outdoor breakfasts where there's just monkeys and birds

shitting and pissing everywhere. I mean, it's an orgy house. I mean, it really is because, like, fucking Joe Bologna, right before she kisses Michael Kane, she, like, gets in bed with her father and it's just, like, wrapping her hand. Like, it's just a little too, it's a lot to. Wake up. It's just, and I mean, like, I'm sorry, if it's just, it's gross. The whole thing, like the daddy thing and it's all happening and we're, I'm happy with my, my daughter being naked.

She's happy with me being half naked. She's waking me up from my bed. No, no, no, no, none of it. No, none of it. Just stop. Everybody stop. It's all like like fucking adults and go, go to a fucking museum. You're somewhere, you're a different country.

There's got to be a nice museum. you can go to have a cup of coffee talk about things maybe this is a fucking theme bark miles of rainforests to go on Tours in it's real they got that huge Jesus statue go take a look at that I would love to see the Jesus statue

I've seen it movies a hundred times I've seen this movie they fly by it they do but nobody there's no tourism whatsoever because it's all just too sexy isn't it well let me let me tell you Steve like if you go to Thailand on a sexcation you know you're not going to see the Bangkok International

museum of art you're not taking any sorts of river trips you're going where the fun is and this is a sexcation and the weird thing about this movie that the one weird thing is like there's there's a difference between a movie about you know like an old man getting into a relationship with a young girl and like showing how shallow and stupid and crazy and disgusting that is and then there's a movie that sexualizes that young girl to no end and that's this movie not the first one like if you if you had like pg weird like cut away, you know what I mean? We know it's happening, but we never have to fucking chew on it. Yeah. That's a different

story. That's a movie I can almost get behind. You're putting it right in my face. We see like the behind shot of her taking off a bikini. We just see the bear back. Yeah, exactly. And you don't see anything in front, but her front is everywhere. Oh, it's just in your face. You see that Quentin Tarantino pan up like reservoir dogs. Like,

right, it's about to happen. Stuck in the middle of you with you's happening and we just pan up. And we hear the screams and then we come back down, they're smoking cigarettes. Which is, I think that happens to the Reservoir Dogs right now. Yeah, Michael Madsen fucks that cop.

I think that's what it. Fucks Marvin Nash. So, they're having this breakfast. She's got shaving cream all over her face. All over her face because they've been making out. Like, he's like, he's like, you have to get out of here. And she's like, all right, just one quick kiss.

And he's like, well, all right. If it's only a little kiss, that's fine. Where is it going to be? Yeah. What are you kissing? As I understand it, hell is a, it's an absolute place, right? I'm going there. So, fuck it, right? But you know what? That's tears. So I'm going to go for the lowest tear possible. So, yeah, they come out to breakfast. She's got shaving cream all over her face. And Joseph Bologna, he's a real overbearing father. And he's like, hey, what's that on your face there? And she's like, oh, it's whipped cream. And she, like, oh, it's whipped cream. And she, like, puts a grape on the shaving cream. eats it to cover up this crazy charade.

Well, the weird, that's the way to think about him being an overbearing father is that he's not until he is, and it's weird. Like, I understand, like, when things come to light, no matter any father in the universe, liberal as anything, is going to try and cave somebody's fucking head in. No, and I'm not criticizing him for that, but I am criticizing him for things. Like, where are you going? Who are you talking to? You better call me right before you get penetrated.

Exactly. Which is this dude's fucking policy. It's a weird hopscotch to do. But after you've told her, you can stay out. to 1 a.m. in Rio. Yeah. By yourself. She knows that you're on a sex vacation. And you've told her almost outright that she's also now on a sex vacation.

I don't think he sleeps in the jungle house many times, like maybe twice. No, he's going to the clubs. He's got this thing on the side. Yeah. And it's, I mean, I don't want every father to be Liam Neeson and taken, but I think this guy could learn a thing or two. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, just amp it up a little bit. Don't get your wires crossed so much with your mixed messages and whatnot. And that's the thing, though. It's not her fault.

She's just a kid expressing herself, and fucking creepy old Granny Kane is the fucking lecherous pimp in this movie. Ah, thank you. And it's just, and he never gets blamed. It's all her. It's all put on her. It's like, this crazy sex bot's just chasing me around this villa. What am I supposed to do?

Yeah, this teenage horn dog girls getting blamed who's going through the roof. hormones and divorce and everything Delors. Rio's getting blamed. Rios should not be blamed. Michael Cain's name in this movie should be Rio. That's the Rio in which you are blaming it on, okay?

Oh man. And he's just like, oh, what am I going to do? I guess I can't do anything but have sex with this girl every waking moment. All right. Is that okay with you, parents? Can't talk, can you? Excellent. Is that okay with you there? Keeper. What's that? tongue cut out

from a militia in the jungle? Blame it. O'Reo! Yeah, it's a hilarious mute thing where she keeps catching them in the wrong situation and shaking her head. Just disapproval. One eye up. So then, you know, we have like

another day at the beach and who cares, but we get back to the parent house that night where Michael Kane is making a hilarious salad. Like they're having this dinner and, you know, Joe Bologna is running around the kitchen being all Italian. and making gravies and stuffed peppers and whatnot. Stir the sauce.

The funny thing is this is what he's talking to him about. He's like, well, you know, last summer she told me she wanted to go on birth control. And I said, no way. And my guy's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck. Well, you just pulled the alarm. I'm going to make my noose. And he's like, oh, yeah, but, you know, I actually kind of, I calmed down. I said it was her decision because she's a liberated woman

But she also has to tell me when she's going to have sex And I want details and pictures But it's not weird, right? And you know, Michael Keynes, oh, this is weird And he starts shaving these carrots And these carrot salad It's this It's a mountain of shaved carrots

It's fucking close encounters of shaved carrots It's a carrot slaw is what it is, I believe It's amazing There's like a couple of lettuce leaves like for your base and then like a couple of cherry tomatoes here and there and then this mound of carrot shavings and you're like wow that's a lot of carrots and then he pulls up the shaver yeah the greater and there's even more carrots underneath the bed of carrots and this is a salad this is a man making a salad that's passed around at this dinner table so they set the table

eating outside so all the monkeys and birds can still be pissing and shitting all over everything And Demi Moore and Jennifer come back And Demi Moore's like, hey, pig And he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, hello, Demi. And she's got a boyfriend. She's like, I'm going to go out with Sergio here. And he's going to fuck my brains out.

And you got nothing to say, do you? Oh, really weird. Nothing. Talk to you later. Bye. And, you know, yes, Michael Cain's horrible. I'm not defending him at all. The least this Sergio fella could have done was say hello.

Like, he's like, hey, where is this boy? I want to know his name before you go. out with him. And she's like, yeah, but fuck you. I wish I had a cigarette. I'd put it out your fucking old eyeball. And then this dude kind of like reaches in and grabs like a piece of meat

off the table, like Joe Bologna's meatballs or something. And just takes a bite and she's like, shaved meat pile. Shaved pile of beef. And then she's like, come on, Sergio. We're going inside. And this dude doesn't say a word. It's like, you know what, man? Say hello. If you want

to be an asshole, you can still be an asshole and say hello. Hey. Hey there, dad. Pretend like you know something. Maybe she told you some shit. She probably did tell him and she's just like, hold it in. If he does anything, just hold it in. Don't say anything. I want to punch him in the face. Yeah, this guy's probably a Catholic. He's fucking disgusted. She's another one giving us bad names. Exactly. And of course, there's some fucking, you know, they sit down to dinner and there's a lot of fucking under the table hygiene. Well, that's the thing Jennifer doesn't go off with the young and she wants to hang out with Daddy and Uncle Matthew

My two dads And it's just Dad is Three inches away from you The guy that you've That you've been You've known your entire life Has raised you like a father

You're rubbing his leg next to it And if you're Michael King You're like, oh that's right She's fucking crazy And it's And I'm a monster For exploring it Of course

That's what it is Why didn't I think of this sooner Why I feel like a real stupid cow just Joe baloney she's rubbing him off Joe baloney like that's what's amazing is there's some dumb ass song playing because all the music in this movie's terrible it's like

fucking Portuguese jazz and you could keep it all and she's just rubbing this dude off and he's like oh I keep dropping my napkin and she's like rubbing like I'll get that stain out and Joe baloney's like oh we're a great family here my best my best English buddy here

my little daughter who looks hot tonight but I'm you know I'm kind of respectful so I'm not gonna say it out loud i think there's something in this scene where he's like these are the two people closest to me on the entire planet well he's like he's at the edge of every rope he's got oh absolutely because he's like oh you know he makes some weird toes he's like i love both of you so much and his fucking bitch is bleeding me dry but i gotta go i'm gonna go to the sex house now the fact that this man finding out what he finds out at the end of the movie makes it to the end credits without taking his own life?

I don't understand it. I want to know how strong this guy is. Get this guy on Oprah and talk about personal strength. Yeah, there is a suicide attempt in this and it's not him. It's kind of shocking. Shockingly, it's not Joseph Bologna. And it's not Michael Cain successfully doing so.

Man, I wish he just fucking kicked that chair out from underneath himself. And it's not just a handjibber. She's trying to get off this guy. It's a fucking, she's like pouring sugar on the table in writing, I heart you on it. She's mouthing, I love you to him.

I would go upstairs, go into bathtub, fill it up, and throw a toaster in it. I mean, man, this is a five-alarm problem. Or maybe just as a tip, as a way to, like, apologize to Joe Bologna, just do it Roman style and open your wrists. So he's like, well, it's almost 8 o'clock and I haven't fucked you. Talk to you later. Hey, you babysit my kid, he says. Now, again, everybody, let's just take a moment. We're about to talk about the next sequence in this film.

This is your last fucking chance, people. I know, I know. New listeners. I mean, you know what? Old listeners. Oldest friends. The Judge Dread episode is a great time. It's so much fun, right?

Folks like our baby cakes episode. Invisible Child's pretty strong. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, just. this is a catalog there's a whole like 140 odd episodes it's your last chance we even talk about some exploitation films

that are less disgusting than this movie we've done poison ivy we did a movie where a big foot monster rips off a dude's cock listen to that okay speaking of listening to something

I don't know I just can't say what I don't want to do it and plus people are like that's Sadex a fuck pig and you know what i'm not it's this movie well you are a pig but not for this reason now all right i'll set the scene then so joseph bologna says listen i gotta go get this shit wet it's been eight hours i'm drying out it's it's a real problem i gotta take care of this so so you know

he's like i'm out of here michael kane says uh you know well you're just gonna leave your your daughter here alone he's like no you're gonna be the babysitter this guy gets a little rodney from time and again and I appreciate it? Sure. So he's like, oh, hey, kid, you're going to sit home and babysit my daughter. It's fine. And he goes off. He's going to go put it somewhere. It's not like you're going to enter her or anything. Yeah. He just drives down the driveway laughing. Yeah, right. Fuck my daughter. That's great. My oldest friend, I mean, I would have to kill myself if that happened. Am I right? Kill everybody in the house, too. So she's out of the picture. Hey, you ever seen a shine in Michael Cain? I got an ex. I would have. I would.

never know you need to talk because you never betray me like that right palh talk to you later road is just driving up in like a snow plow oh that snow cat can't get here soon enough that snow cat never gets to where it needs to go taking that snow cat through the jungles of brazil so so so she's she's uh she's she's she's she's home with michael cane you know they start making out immediately make the door's not even closed all the way he didn't start the car and they're making out. And he's like, no, we can't do this. It's wrong.

It's wrong, I say. And she's like, but I'm in love with you because I'm a Texavory cartoon. And so, God damn it. All right, so we cut. They've had sex. They've had sex. They're in a, they're in a hammock.

It looks pretty comfortable. I love a good hammock. Probably the same hammock that Joe Bologna is going to, like, rest in the next day. But you know, life isn't so bad. You're really just really clear in his head. Yeah. Got a good, like, Bologna novel just there. Hey, balona, balona.

Got it. Perfect. All right. And so then they're reminiscing post-courdes, of course. Look like you would with a lover. Smoking a cigarette. You're in a hammock. You're in Rio.

It's fantastic. Ah, let's think about the old days. And here's a little bit of that scene. What? I was just remembering the first time I kissed you. It was at your christening. Your mother was powdering. bottom and I

said I wanted to be the first man to kiss it and I leaned over and I did how dare you drive a tiny baby wild with desire good are you fucking kidding me

I'm supposed to blame that on Rio Rio wasn't anywhere near that fucking church no and she's so nuts and like it's she's playing into what she thinks he wants and he's just all into it.

That's a problem. She is not, at least at the outset, like totally crazy. No. He drives her mad. She's a teenage girl who got fucked and thinks that this is what this dude wants. So there can be more fucking and everybody can be happy and having a great time. And nobody has to blame Rio for anything. Exactly.

That's the worst part is that he plays the victim in every scene. He's just a big, sad, sack, selfish piece of shit. and he's just like yet like try like he's like oh poor like oh boy me or some shit like that and you just want him to shut up shut up and kill himself and that's the only thing i'd like him to do in this film or chemical castration whichever comes first yeah and so the next morning she's like i gotta tell my daddy and he's like oh no and he's thinking about killing her maybe a little bit probably a little bit yeah not a lot but a little bit i mean it is rio you could blame that on rio you could blame it on those capoeita guys to take care of it. Oh my God, she was killed in a parade. And then you just walk away. Blame it on Rio. Blame that whole, you file that whole thing in your mind palace as blame that on Rio.

You keep it in the same room you got Moriarty and you keep on walking. It's Moriarty chained to a wall and a dead 17-year-old girl. Sure. Who was, quote, trampled. in a parade just all in your mind palace well there's this gunshot to her temple you sure it was a stampede you said it was a gun parade you know how they are you know how they are so she goes into debt she has to wake her dad up every morning you know just by hugging him and he's like oh my my darling angel you know and there is a good thing to point out here though to uh if

if anyone wasn't convinced that michael canes a scumbag in this movie uh at that point where she's like, I love you and I want to tell my dad. His solution is, well, I maybe love you too. I don't know necessarily. I know, for one, we should not tell your father, but I would like to keep up the fucking, if it all possible. It's like, oh man, you dirt-eating scumbag. It's outrageous.

And she's, it's amazing. It's my favorite scene of the movie because I think it's going where I want it to go. Because, like, he doesn't even know. Like, she says that kind of vaguely and runs off. He doesn't know what she's doing. He's in the room next to it to Bologna, and, you know, she starts to cry, and she's telling him about all about this affair she's been having. And he starts to lose his shit.

And he's like, oh, oh, fuck. Oh, oh, oh, oh. And he starts, like, he's like getting like half dressed and, like, pack of this bag to nowhere. He drops the stethoscope he's had, put up against the door. Yeah, exactly. And this is the part, like, you know the old, if when is Steve going to kill him, I hope that Steve has a strong or moral fortitude not to fuck my best friend's 16-year-old daughter

that I fucking christened. But let's just say I'm a monster, right? Let's just imagine that. Well, listen, man, there's never been anyone more successful at driving a baby wild. Oh, no. Sorry, I just had to re-chill my bones. Yeah, they get a little warm for a second.

Yeah, I was warming up. And this is when I'm making the noose, right? This is when I'm writing a real quick letter to my wife of my daughter and be like, I'm so sorry. So, oh, sorry. Dear Rhoda, whoops. And this is when I'm making the news and it's like, here it comes. This is what they're just, that's the only thing. And like, when she's like, and he's 43 and like, that's when I kick the bucket out. And I would wait till a name is given. Yeah. I mean, I, me too. I mean, at the end of everything, I'm still taking my own life. You have to, right? But if it means like another day or two of

hanging out in Rio and continuing this far as for a little bit. Sure. If a name's not given, I might not kick the chair. Not a guarantee, but I might not kick the chair. I just want to lie my way out of this until I can get home and, like, find some sleeping pills. You want to kill yourself on American soil? Like a comfortable bed. That's my bed and some sleeping pills. You can put your favorite record on.

Joni Mitchell's blue is on. I'm fine. I'm ready to go. You do like a two-day movie marathon of your favorites. him all right before the end i'm programming the chris kavin suicide film festival i would love it and no she kind of she backs off he he loses it ballooner loses his shit he's ready i'll kill the son of a bitch he's like but he's like why didn't you call me first what about the pact you promised me in the pact like that matters below you you fucking

simpleton he starts going off like talia shire's husband in the godfather he's throwing all sorts of things everywhere yeah he's pissed he's pissed but he's not like he's not mad at her which is kind of nice you know what i mean he's like it's that stupid father thing of like oh i don't i don't see my kid as a sexual being obviously she was raped even though she definitely was raped oh he forced you on the beach i know it i mean that's rape uh but she's she's like uh but i fucked him yeah yeah no but he he tricked you somehow he did trick her somehow and then after this she says daddy i love I love him.

The most disgusting phrase I've ever heard. I'm sorry, that's when I would kick the chair. That's when me as Joe Bologna, I'm all filled with Italian rage, right? I go, all right, I've been meaning to talk to you about this. And I really, now more than ever, we've got to retire the daddy thing. Honestly, we've all outgrown it. It creeps people out. Now, more than ever, that you're having sex with a man my age, please retire the daddy business.

A good pop, a good father. Yeah, pa, I call my dad, pa, all the time. You're Italian. You should be proud of that. Pa, pop. See how that sounds coming out of your Italian mouth. It's fantastic. By the way, here's the thing about Joe Bologna that he didn't really think about.

When she says, Daddy, I love him, you pretend like you're totally cool with it, right? Like, oh, honey, why didn't you say so? My God, you love him? Oh, well, then it doesn't matter. love sees through all ages. It don't matter if you're 100 and you're 16, it's fine. As long as you love each other. Now, when do I get to meet this nice fella?

She drops the name, then you go in the next room and kill him. You got to trick her into giving you the name. But instead, he's flying off the handle, blaming everything on Rio. Everyone's blaming way too much on Rio. Poor Rio, man. You know what? And we just said that, by the way, about Rio. Debbie Moore is the only one taking responsibility for her.

actions in Rio. Where's the deleted scene where she's going to the library and looking up types of plants she can find in the jungle? Oh, this is, like, she, she goes hand gliding at one point. Oh, yes. She's having a blast. She's having an appropriate, she has a little bit of a young love affair. That's fun. Now, here's the thing. If you have to criticize this movie on something other than how horrendous the characters in this story act, it has to be that storytelling-wise And structurally, this movie kind of takes a real dead stop when Joseph Bologna launches his own investigation as to finding out who this man is, which is what you reminded me of with the hang gliding scene. Because it's kind of a montage of them going around like, all right, Michael Cain, who do you think this fucking asshole could be? He goes next door and it's like, you know, it's really a lot of this is three's company gags.

And he's like, I'm going to kill that's, I'm going to kill the person who fucked my daughter. He's like, oh, oh, listen. And he's like, whenever I find out. whoever that may be and it's like hey hey that's funny and then they go their partners in this and he's like i'll help you find that son of a bitch and when you find him i'll help you cut his bows up yeah why not possibly well i mean that's the thing is it's a bit of a trade off because this part of the movie is i mean dead boring but i mean my blood pressure's lower yeah exactly my blood pressure just goes down a little bit where i'm not screaming at the television for

everybody to stop. Listen, I mean, this is, this is a little great inside story here. So Chris and I had seen this movie beforehand. Eric has also seen this movie. Steve had never seen it. Steve had no idea what this movie was about. So just a little insight into the, the we hate movies process. We always watch the movies separately and then come together the next day or whatever and talk about it. But today, we're on the second half of a doubleheader here. We're in the afternoon game. And, you know, we're like, oh, we'll just watch the movie together. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, The Dom Deloese wheeze laughing at watching Steve watch this movie And the horror of someone who doesn't know what this particular movie Like I can watch, like you can show someone Memento, right? You're like, what's this? I don't know what this is about. Okay, just watch it. You can just watch Fight Club or whatever.

It's fine. You don't know what it's about. Watch it. You can't do that to someone with this movie. No, you have to tell them. I had no idea. And you know what? Even more inside baseball.

I'm Italian, Russian, kind of half-Jewish. You know, a lot of Mediterranean in my blood. I'm olive skin for the most part. I am white as a sheet as I record this podcast. I am fucking albino right now because it's disgusting. Oh, mercy me. So, yeah, they're going around. There is that hilarious scene where Demi Moore's getting ready for a hang gliding date.

And he's like, come on, tell me. Who's fucking a... Yeah, maybe you should not reveal knowledge. that you have on your friends like that. Whose side are you on here? And she's like, I'm just trying to go hang gliding. Nobody likes a rat. Why don't we just stick to physical attributes?

We don't have to get names involved. Just some physical attributes. How long is her nails? Look, I tried this physical attribute thing, and she described an old woman to me. Your plan was useless. She said perm. She said big glasses.

She said worrying all the time. Holy fuck it was Mrs. Doubtfire. I'm going to kill Robin Williams I still get he's going to fucking get it But the worst part about the Demi Moore subplot Is she like She knows everything And like

She's just sitting on it And these two girls sleep in the same room And of course Fucking Jennifer's hugged The Winnie the poo teddy bear Every night You know what? You saw her suck this dude's dick on a beach

Now she's just hugging a teddy bear Doesn't that make you feel like the worst fucking scumbag for watching this movie? And she keeps coming in at night after her and Michael Kane are having, her and fucking Demi Moore's father having rendezvouses. And she's like, I'm so sorry. Do you hate me? And she's like, no, I hate him. And she believes it, which is total bullshit.

And I don't think that this movie that I'm about to mention is really realistic, but American Beauty had that part right. It's fucking that piece of shit, the one that doesn't work anymore. No, neither of them working... Thorough Birch? Mita Suvari? Yes. Meena Suvari.

Now they're not going to work anymore. Uh, meita Suvari. Fucking cheese. Like, getting Kevin Bacon all riled up. Spacey. Yeah, Kevin Spacey all riled up and like, she's getting into it. Thorough Birch is like, you're fucking disgusting. Like, what the fuck are you doing to my dad?

And that movie also has the right of, the right mind. Like, there's some like kind of sexy little fantasies. But at the moment, Kevin Spacey is like, oh, wait, I'm not a monster. I can't do this because you're a child and I'm an adult. I can't do that. And she gets all upset and everybody learns a little message and then fucking, you know, obviously Chris Cooper's going to kill him for being gay. It's totally fine.

That makes sense. It's what happens. Chris Cooper blew someone's brains out. Oh, I wish he. Yeah, maybe he's doing some black ops in this movie because he... Oh, yeah. These are his early days. These are his early days of Chris Cooper.

He just wants to kill everybody. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, he could be the father of Sergio. Yes, exactly. Sergio's father. Sergio's selling everybody all sorts of great wee. I suck the best dick in four counties Or whatever that line is

From that overrated movie Yeah, that would be great actually Chris Cooper's like coming back from a tour Nicaragua and he stops off in Rio for a vacation He was in City of God And now he's here Your City of God is around the corner Beechy Dobs

An hour plane ride Our plane ride from City of God This little fucking silly shit is happening so yeah i mean it's the boring i hate saying the word boring about this part because it's the part i would watch a hundred times before the fucking christening scene it's the part with without all the filthy sex in it so long as both both parties are old enough to consent i'm fine with it

and you know maybe this little investigation which is boring will stop michael came from being like i do remember that one soccer practice you had like ew ew ew stop just shut up you fucking old lady I remember your primary school graduation, I do. Remember it very well, actually. That was a pretty little dress. I had front row seats, I did. What's your name?

Detective Steebler. Actually, I have something on the oven. You get the hell out of my house, Stabler. You and you're way old but still sexually attractive partner. That's what I want is all those times Stabler goes off the grid to get somebody. the time. Man, there's that horseshit episode where he goes to the Czech Republic. Shut the front

door. And then he works with that old detective named the Falcon or some shit like that. Yep, that's stupid. So, I mean, you know, Michael Cain's running him around in circles, you know. He knows the eye color. Yeah. Oh, the individual. Okay.

And then there's another scene where Bologna gets into her diary. And it's amazing because, well, that's just a rampant invasion of Her privacy, I think. You don't want to do that. Now you're crossing a line. It's one thing I can't stand.

It's people crossing lines. It's a landmine in there. You know what he finds, by the way, is a fucking polaroid selfie that she takes full frontal, by the way. Which we see the photo shoot because why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you just throw that in there, Stan Donan? Well, that I feel like Stanley Donan's entire, I mean, this is his last movie. The movie before this is, I think it's called like. Saturn 3.

Saturn 3. It is horrendous. This is obviously much worse. But I feel like the whole shoot is just like fuck it. I feel like every directorial like you maybe not want to show her like doing this whole thing.

Maybe from the back a good like back shot. This is the scene where there's the full frontal nudity and you're like why does this have to be there? Well that's the weird thing about this movie though is it's almost that kind of blaze who gives a shit sex farce but it seems it's turning the corner on like passion project because of all the chances it's taking you know what I mean like I mean I'm not I'm not throwing stones at nobody I yeah but it's just it's one of those things like this isn't a movie you it's hard to make this movie on accident is what I'm saying it is but you know the other thing I mean we keep using the word farce and you know what goes along with farce 100% of the time jokes jokes jokes gags laughs giggles any of there's none there's there's nothing funny in this movie movie the funniest shit is just how 90% of the shots have parrots somewhere in the composition

there's just a parrot just hanging out it's like a highlights for kid magazine you're looking at like a coffee table you're like oh is that the leg of a table no it's a parrot like it's amazing lampshay not a two can that grandfather clock looks an awful lot like a huge parrot there's also paintings of parrots it's all over this house it's not enough We've got live, multiple kinds of birds all over the place. We need paintings of those parrots. In case the paintings, in case the parrots aren't around, you have the paintings. An open-door pet store.

It must smell like shit. I was just going to say it's kind of smelling shit. Well, that's actually great for Michael Kane because fucking Joe Bologna can't smell the sex. Yeah. Just the overwhelming stench of parrot shit. And then there's also like a weird subplot where she, like he keeps, Michael Cain keeps trying to break it off, right? And he's like, I can't do this anymore. Oh, whoops, I did again.

And, like, he keeps trying to break it off. Like, I keep trying to get in shape, by the way. That's an unused gym membership if I've ever seen one. Oh, that 1999 just goes out of the checking account every month. Yeah, I'm trying. He's trying to break it off by saying things like, we can't tell your father, but I'll still fuck you. And really trying. And at one point, he does actually break up with her.

And he's like, you know, you got to find a boy your own age. and she like starts doing witchcraft to him which is hilarious like it's really it's really weird because he actually like tosses her off on this dude yeah he's like oh who's that over there he seems like a fine fellow he's your age too and she's like oh it's rudy and he's like oh well that clearly isn't his name but andrew couldn't remember it go talk to him and then she's like okay I will and he's like ah done and he leaves and she's she like watches him go and then it's like all right off to the witch doctor i go

and now there's just magic in this movie and it doesn't come to anything except for the only legitimate laugh which is she puts like a half circle of candles around his doorway and michael cain walks out in the morning and steps on a lit candle

and it's hilarious oh fuck my fucking foot bad enough joe baloia's product i slit my throat do you talk to the moboo again it would be great though I mean I don't know and I'm part of Italian so I feel like

get away with this but like if like Joe Bologia keeps asking him to go in like car rides wait why well no we're gonna go find this son of a bitch right that's we gotta find him down the road just meet you and Gino who's Gino

an old friend of mine what come on in we're buddies come on I know I kind of wanted to be like an eight for go to speak like oh do you think you could give me one more chance do you think you could give me out of this Hey, you're never going to believe this. I've found Brazil's equivalent to the Meadowlands.

Let's go for a drive. Get me off the hook for old time, hike. Man, A. Fagoda getting killed in that movie. It's so great. He's just so graceful and like, well, I've lived a life. And then he wound up living another 49 years. He's still alive. Is he still alive? Wow, he's a vampire, huh? He's a vampire who's doing it all wrong.

he's kept aging or unless Abe Vigoda became a vampire when he was 80 years old that's a shitty time that is the worst time to be yeah exactly so at some point

finally it all comes out right like Joe Bologna starts just beating up people randomly in the street because he's like you're the 40 year old motherfucker and he starts beating up this guy

in a dance club and then like there's this other guy this other Portuguese guy that kind of looks like Walt Disney who's hilarious and he's like they're kind of tour guide a bit and like I think he's their neighbor too yeah he's over for sexy breakfast an awful lot and he's like you son of a bitch it was you the whole time and like instead of finally Michael Kane speaks up after the other guy gets a chick kicked out of him by Joe Bologna oh the singer of the they go to a nightclub and

he's like the daughter gets on stage they're spying on her they're like following her the daughter gets on stage and she's dancing with this dude and then the dude's like singing a song and Michael Kane is the only one who speaks Portuguese and he's translating the lyrics to this song that this fucking nightclub owner is just singing or whatever and the dude's like, oh, whoa, that's it that's got to be him and like rushes

the stage and starts beating the shit out of this guy. This guy's clearly 20 years old, not matching the profile at all. At all. Doesn't have a perm. No, nothing. And then you know, he's going to be it at Walt Disney and Michael Kane's like, it was me. Oh, I'm so

sorry. Oh, just hit me all Just hit me. No, no, I'm not going to hit you. You know, meet me by that old, old warehouse. I got some big coats for you. No, no, the farther back. The father back, keep going. Keep going.

The good coats are farther back. Keep going. No. No, you know, I'm going to come back later. I'm going to come back later. I'm going to pick up the kids. That Janice Rossi is a whore. You have a whore living in your building, sir.

And her name is Janice Rossi. for me for me are you listening to me i see you all that's the best performance she's ever done it's a great performance that's not a slight at all no it's not but her character's useless on the sopranos sure is and it's this bullshit and this is when the movie turns and you're like wait what because like yes of course you would lay out all those British teeth right with

one fucking fist they're pretty loose to begin with a fist i think you mean a Louisville slugger And he just sits down and he's like, I mean, it's kind of actually nice because, like, he's not a hot-headed Italian, even though we're monsters, this movie is a little, no, no, no, we're better in this movie. Uh, and just, come on, it's the only time in this movie, he's not yelling. Yeah, exactly, he's just like, I can't believe it was you. Why'd you have to tell me, you ruined my, oh, you just, you've ruined my whole life. Couldn't you just say Rio did it? Yeah, how'd you got to blame it on Rio? I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed right now. What's amazing, by the way. And in the shittiest.

part of filmmaking technique in this movie is... Oh, I forgot. Like, he's freaking out. He's going to punch Walt Disney. And Michael Cain says, no, it's me. And in the background, there's just blue lights that start flashing. Like, it's a fucking old-ass Hollywood movie, Sterling, Donan. This blue light for lightning, and then just to rumble a thunder.

Like, he's the fucking wicked witch of the West. Like, it's unbelievable. And it happens twice. He kind of looks like the... wicked witcher the less and you know he's just like oh you know I wish you didn't even tell me and he's like he's like

oh just hit me and make me feel better it's like well if it doesn't if it makes you feel better I'm not going to do it and that's kind of nice it's a nice thing and the rest of this movie now it's Michael Kane trying to convince Joe Bologna that it's okay that he's having sex with his

daughter and what's ridiculous he was like ask her out on a date like it's ridiculous he's like well now you know now everything's out the cat's out of the bag we can keep fucking you know and I'm just I'm gonna tell your dad that I'm in love with you

and you're like wait man I thought this movie was over with like there should be a big fight and everybody moves out of the jungle house and that's the end of it well it's her I mean remember it's her that's very much like well now it's out in the open we can do this it's much more her than him because

I mean eventually he's like oh I can't do I mean oh you oh commitment yeah that's the problem And somewhere in all this nonsense, Demi Moore calls Rota, and she's like, hey, Rhoda, you really better get back here. Someone's about to blame something on Rio. And dad's going to get in some trouble. And in this case, Rio is innocent. And, like, Demi Moore is, like, applying for colleges, like, you know, just having a really smart summer vacation.

A good, like, John Houston movie is happening in the background of this movie. She's getting a lot of titles knocked off her summer reading list. Yeah, oh yeah. It's like, well, I mean, I know that we're not going to cover that until freshman year, but I better get it done now. Oh, yeah. Going on dates with a guy who turns out to be a prince. She's like learning conversational Portuguese so she can get certified. And that's that language requirement done already. She doesn't have to worry about it. Absolutely. She's just knocking stuff off the academic checklist in this movie. So while all this is going on, you know, they're getting in this huge fight, like a day passes. And there's a little bit of nonsense going on. where it's like, well, now we know so we can fuck in the house. And it's a lot of like Joe Bologna opening the door and like Michael King closes the door. And they listen for like, okay, he went to bed. Now I'm going to tiptoe in and fuck you.

Oh, what's that? No, oh, caught you again, huh? There's a lot of that. Is that somebody fucking or a parrot's feathers mull thing? I can't tell it this fucking house. Stupid parrot house. God damn living social escapes group on. So the next morning they get in another fight.

And he's, like, arguing with Michael Kane, and Michael Kane's like, you know, look, listen, I love your daughter. Is that so crazy? I haven't been this happy in years. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Rota walks into the parrot house. I don't know how she got there that fast. And you know what? The red eye. Yeah, she took the red eye to God knows where it. My second least favorite line, the one I will say, because it's gross. And it's at least Joe Bologna, you're trying to get it at Michael Cain. But he's like, what? With this teething ring, I the wed? And it's like, ew. Can we stop making references to babies? I would love it. I would fucking love it. Like, at least replace that with like, oh, what, you're going to get married in a cheerleader uniform? Yeah, just something that's going to carry a trapper keeper down the aisle. That's fine.

I'm okay with that one, Chris. Because you know who doesn't have a trapper keeper? A baby. Exactly. You know who should be having sex? A baby. You know who should be aroused when they're kissed at their christening? A baby.

this stupid movie so rhoda shows up and she's all pissed off because she finds out what's going on like it takes her a while to figure it out and she's pretty devastated and you know Valerie harper is a great actress and she's like oh my god

I can't believe this I can't believe this and she finally tells Michael Kane uh oh something else is going on which is this third act twist is such bullshit oh it's bullshit oh because apparently uh oh she's been fucking Joe Bologna and that's why she went on her own

vacation. And that's why Joe Bologna was so upset that she wasn't going to come on vacation. It's like, you son of a bitch, Joe Bologna. How dare you have sex with my 41-year-old wife? Who can make her own decisions and isn't, you know, addled. Hey, Michael Cain, you got a saddle for that high horse you're riding. It's insane the way he react. It's ridiculous. He's more pissed off than Joe Bologna got. And the story of the movie is now bullshit. I'm sorry. Like, you can't just now. Well, I guess everyone's a little bit in the wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like, there's wrong, and then there's fucking immoral. There's burglary, and then there's fucking homicide. I agree.

And speaking of death, while all the adults are in the room bickering with each other. Nobody knew that the fucking third act of the apartment's going on in the next fucking room. And this girl, because she's so fucking messed up by this fucking old chicken hawk. that's been feeding off for this entire movie that she just, she wants to kill herself. And it's like, oh, you know, Daniel Warren's like, oh, my God, you took all these pills.

They're all over my school books. And we go to the hospital. And, you know, everyone's in the waiting room. And of course, because we have to keep linking this to babies. Joe Bologna's like, you know, weird thing, my daughter being almost dead in that next room. last time you me and her went a hospital together was when she was born and I'm like oh my god

and then like the most unrealistic and I know what movie I'm talking about but the most unrealistic thing happens they hug oh yeah I don't want you to touch me again ever again listen I'm either buying you out of the business or you're buying me out of the business

we're never talking to each other ever again friendship over you can take rhoda i'll take your daughter yeah trade zes that's it i'm definitely not giving you a hug just because our daughter odied on what turned out to be birth control pills by the way that's the gag and you and michael cain wipes his brow oh few i was worried after that first time we had unprotected sex and then i i found out she might not be on birth control then we fuck five other times in this movie and i was still pretty worried when she wasn't on bath control. I mean, I was the man on wire for some time here.

And this really settles my nose. There's a really great cut in this movie when Demi Moore comes out and she's like, blah, blah, blah, the pills. It's totally like the gag The Simpsons have used a couple of times where it's like smash cut to the ambulance.

Oh, yeah. Because she's like, I think there's pills on the floor. I did dust them off my cover of Tale of Two Cities. And then This is when the movie really starts to wrap up Because the movie's over That was the climax, a good old-fashioned suicide attempt

And Joe Bologna and Michael Cain have to stay in the same room Because apparently there aren't enough rooms in the house And Rhoda wants to be alone And Michael Cain is in these bikini bottoms And that's all he's wearing Joe Bologna is in great fucking shape, B.T. Dubs Oh yeah, he prepped for this movie He kind of looks like a Harry Dean Stanton type

Harry Dean Stanton was an old man that could have kicked your ass Probably not so much anymore these days With Harry Dean Stanton being so old He's turned a corner Yeah But you know he was an older man who could really kick your ass And they're like getting into bed They're all angry at each other

And like Michael Cain has the fucking gall To be mad at Joe Bologna And Joe Bologna is like Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sorry I drank the last beer in the fridge But you just fucking killed my dog There's a little bit of a difference and they get into a big naked fight

you know michael cain's taint is all over blame that on rio it's insane this guy's taint and i mean balona has these linen like these linen pants on his junk is just like tapping out you gotta give him the joe bologna you got to give him the joe bologna man he knows he's in great shape and through most of this movie

he's dressed like jack lor lane and it's fantastic It's really, really fantastic. This guy's in shape, and he doesn't give a fuck, who knows. And, like, yeah, so much Michael Caintein. And, of course, like, they're, like, kind of greedy. Joe Bologna's got him in a headlock. And, like, at the end, of course, the maid comes in. And it's like, oh, oh.

Yeah, he's like, he's clearly, like, mounted him in this move. And they've broken the bed. Like, why would this maid come in? Why would this maid still be here? I mean, in that house, I wouldn't be that surprised. to be like oh okay you're doing that too sure whatever yeah oh you're fucking that do you want one of these birds for later i'll keep one of the birds awake in case you're interested well here's your new sheets goodbye congratulations alister crowley and she just leaves

how do you say i quit in portuguese and you know next day everyone's a little clearer head and you know like joe bologna and valerie harper have this scene where he's like you know i don't know what i'm going to do after you know when this divorce goes through i'll be free and she's well I could be divorced just as much time man maybe we could do something and he's like not really and then you know Valerie goes into the next room and there's Michael Kane packing his bags

and you know there was a thing at the beginning of the movie where you know he had been like let me put my my scuba flippers in your suitcase and that's how she broke the news... Oh what an innocent time that was oh yeah man that was that was another America it was another America before I said I believe this was a Stanley Donan movie. Yeah. You know, she had been like, you know, well, listen,

I'm not going to Rio with you, so pack your own fucking flippers. So here we are. At the end of the movie, all this heinous shit has happened. And she's like, would you mind putting these books in, you know, your suitcase for me? And he's like, why, I'm not going back to club med. And she's like, yes, you are. We're all going

to club med. We're going to have something to talk about. You know, we have to go fix our marriage or whatever. And I'm like, really? After all this discussion, after all the teen fucking and the Joe Bologna a faring, you're just going to go smooth things over, man. No, just fucking blow it up, man, and never talk to each other ever again. You were on the fence before this happened.

Yeah, exactly. How does this not tip you? What the fuck is wrong with you? How did it make it better? Yeah, exactly how did it make it better. That's a great question. And, you know, after all this insanity that's been happening, you know what the best solution is?

For all the adults to leave and leave the two teenage daughters, in this fuck house it's amazing because first of all joe bologna fuck you like i'm sorry your daughter has a suicide attempt an honest too-goodness suicide attempt i know yeah birth control pills and that's funny but she was intending to kill herself even though they could actually kill herself that's not as funny no it's not as funny how are you not sleeping at the hospital how are you like just oh well i'll see you tomorrow kiddo or like waking up the next morning and rushing over the hospital seeing how she's doing she rolls up to the house like while they're packing and whatever, and he's like, oh, hey, how did you get here?

I was going to go get you. And she's like, I met this dude at the hospital. He's studying to be a doctor. And he's like, uh, right? How old is he? Oh, 20? All right. Well, I mean, whoever it is, he's better.

Yeah. I mean, whatever, I mean, the guy could be a fucking serial killer. And yeah, that's cool. Even if it was a 60-year-old stranger, it's better. Because at least it's not somebody that, you know, I'm not going to go say that again. The baptism. We all know. It's horrendous.

It's the worst. And, yeah, I mean, like, how do you let, how do you just let your daughter find her own ride back after her own suicide attempt? Also, he goes, like, yeah, Joe Bologna is going home. He's going back to America to talk to his wife. Like, no, no, no, no, no. I need to make sure that my daughter has to get, she's making a lot of bad decisions these last couple of weeks. This was a cry for help. Yes, exactly.

I mean, whatever else it was, it was to say, I'm in trouble. It was an hour and 47 minute cry for help is what we were talking about here. Sure. They just, they all, all, all the adults leave. And like, Demi Moore's like, fucking, finally, I don't have to look at that fucking old lady's face. Fuck my friend. Oh, man.

And we blame it on Rio. We just keep blaming it on Rio, man. And that's, that's the end of the movie. At the end, there's a little post script. Michael Kane is just looking at the camera. And he's like, oh, well, you know, apparently Joe Bologna divorced his wife and then got back together. Ha ha.

And then we're, like him and Valerie Harper surprisingly are on unsteady ground. that's the end of it And he thinks it's two months out Two months out until she forgives them Yeah I give it another two months or so And then we should be right back on track Oh I'm in the doghouse this weekend I'll tell you that much

Then I can go on a weekend trip to Skidmore And she won't even ask a question Huh wow It's really something I mean it does make you speechless The whole fucking thing From the director of singing in the rain one of my all-time favorite films.

One of everyone's favorite films. You work with Gene Kelly and you were buddies. What would Gene Kelly say about this? He was in Zanadu, wasn't he? That was his last movie. You know what? There's no teen sex in Zanadu. Or it's consensual teen on teen sex if it does happen. Yeah, there's no 43 on 17.

Yeah, Gene Kelly isn't fucking, you know, Olivia Newton-John, thank Christ. I don't think that's what happens in that movie. He plays like the king of the roller dermen. Yeah, and she's like the magic. queen of magic as I understand it of music magic I think is something something way better than this movie hey

a movie that's worse than Xanadoo that's the poster found it this movie like failed in every way right like everyone did America cry out and rage or no well I mean critically I think it got bash what was the Roger Ebert thing

Ebert one star like like really just took it to town oh I miss him yeah Like the voice of sense, like just there to be like, yo, let's just not know. You know what? No, would anybody recommend blame it on Rio? No, I would not.

I mean, it's almost to see it to believe a thing. It is very, I mean, and it's right in that line because, I mean, you can't unsee it and you can't forget it. Well, you certainly can't do either. No. I feel complicit in a crime right now, to be honest with you. It's not a recommend. but I'm not going to, you know, yell at you if you see it. Yeah, Chris, you're getting there as a film review.

You don't want to start recommending Blame it on Rio. They'll put that on the box. Chris Cabin presents Blame it on Rio. Mr. Cabin, we are prepping for a Blu-ray release. Can we slap your name right on that? No. Just a big one, no. I would say this for whether or not I would recommend this movie.

Okay? I would say bedazzled, charade. damn Yankees the pajama game funny face see what we're doing all classics seven brides for seven brothers although that's got some that creepy is insane uh singing in the rain actually on the town you know what you said seven brides or seven brothers that actually tips its hat to what this movie is because that is a bunch of brothers kidnapping their brides and making them their bride oh yeah we're gonna we're gonna take you from the village up to our up to our house in the mountains we're going to dance on a bunch of logs

and then we're going to marry you. Oh. Yeah, it's a weird one. Hell, I'd even recommend Saturn 3 over this movie. There's a whole mess load of Stanley Donan movies. You can program your own suicide film series too.

Oh, man, that is Blame it on Rio from 1984 directed by Stanley Donon. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHModcast.com. You can like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. at WHM podcast. If there's a movie

weirder than this directed by a major Hollywood legend, we'd like to hear about it. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Also, what's your suicide playlist?

What is the suicide film series? That's a really good idea. If you had to for one reason or another, had to check out. Yeah. You know, if you're stuck

at an 80s summer camp and there's a killer after you and you know you got to end it all, what's the film series you want to go out with? We all hate movies at gmail. com. Subscribe to this show and blame it on outer

space at iTunes or on Stitcher Radio. Rate and review wherever you get your podcast. We would greatly appreciate you weighing in your two cents about this show. All right. The clue for next week. Man, all right. So how about this? Art thievery.

Ooh, okay. I'll give two. Art thievery and teeth. The two things. Art thievery, teeth. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. at Chris Gavin. Take it easy. You know what I used to pretend when I was little?

I'm afraid to guess. That we were married.