We Hate Movies - S4 Ep148: Canvas

Episode Date: March 11, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang travels to Montreal - or do they stay in New York? - to ride alongside Gary Busey in the geographically confused art thriller, Canvas! Have there ever been two less convincing actors playing New York Italians? How are the cops not on to Gary Busey this whole time? And does this film take place in Montreal or New York? PLUS: This movie's bullshit, Indy! Canvas stars Gary Busey, John Rhys-Davies, Vittorio Rossi, Nick Caviola and Jonathan Palis; directed by Alain Zaloum. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadeh. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. movies. Thank you for tuning into the program this week. I am excited to be bringing Gary Busey back to the show. We are talking about 1992's Canvas, directed by Elaine Zalum. It is the single most

Canadian art heist crime thriller I've ever seen. You know, a lot of people, when Andrew U.S. left out a big handbook, he's coming back. A lot of people started tweeting, like, all these things. Like, oh, what about Rookie of the Year? And what about, you know, this other movie, and I wanted to be like, no, no, you'd never heard of it. No, no, no, you'd never heard of it.

Yeah, stop, stop thinking of movies you've heard of and start guessing about movies you've never heard of. See if you can do that. Think of what movies you may have dreamed about. Wait, wait, wait, people don't know Canvas? Didn't grow up with Canvas. This is a film, it's an independent film, and clearly it was a thing where, you know,

they got so much funding. They got an independent viewer as well. One guy opening day. Yeah. you know, it's clearly a thing where we're spending a lot of money to get Gary Busey to be a part of our movie then we're kind of spending a little bit of money

to get John Reese Davies to also be in my movie and then it's just a bunch of Canadian people you've never, ever heard from again or before. And here's the thing, we all rode the way of independent cinema in the 90s and there were a lot of non-actors taking the screen and just either being just fine Like a lot of...

Just doing whatever they want with it. Like a lot of the people in those Kevin Smith movies are just total non-actors, but they deliver their... These are the worst non-actors I've ever seen on screen. Now, Steve, you didn't finish your sentence there. They delivered their lines. It's what you're saying, which is kind of funny. You're talking about delivering lines.

Yes, you blew your line. But your point was, these people are actually giving performances. They're saying their lines. They're speaking in complete sentences. These actors. And again, folks, it's a podcast. So I'm air-quoting with my fingers. Actors in this movie, they're just flesh puppets.

I mean, it's terrible. Did I just make you hungry by saying flesh puppet? Hungry in a different way. I mean, they're awful. These guys, and you know what's kind of weird? This was one of the only times I've ever found IMDB user reviews or like internet-related things about a horrible movie to be like really super forgiving. Like, one of the reviews was talking about this guy who's, like, the main character of this movie.

And they're like, this actor totally brings it to this film. And I'm like, were you watching the same canvas that I was watching? Because that guy is terrible. But it actually says they're review by this actor. Well, that's the thing. So it's basically, it takes, Gary Busey is an art, he's an art, he's a art curator. Yeah, he's like a, I think he, like, runs a gallery. Yeah, he's an art dealer.

Yeah, he's an art dealer, and he's a crime dealer as well. A vicious crime dealer. Oh, he's really cutthroat, man. And his muscle is John Fris Davies, which is just amazing. It's the flabbiest muscle you can ask for. Fat old Sala. Oh, or Professor Watson's his face from Slider. Oh, I can't even think of it, but yeah.

He's the only, like, literally, could you imagine being on a set and wishing you were working with Jerry O'Connell? Oh, at least Jerry gets the blocking right. We're going to be your old fucking day. O'Connell can get it done in two goddamn takes. Man, I would love it. It turned out Jerry O'Connell was this like smash professional actor. He had to be.

I would love Jerry O'Connell and this solo in a bar together, talking about like how Hollywood doesn't appreciate them and how they just don't get it. Oh, I appreciate John Reese Davies. I just don't appreciate Tomcats. They've got a big thing from Variety the day after Sliders opened. Like it was like a theater production. Like, oh, no, it sunk.

They were up all night smoking cigarettes. Exactly. I watched a lot of that show. I watched a ton of sliders, man. I watched none of sliders. Really? Not even, it was like the X-Files lead in. You never got to Fox a little early on a Sunday.

Then I just changed it because I was like, I'm not watching that. Not yet. switch so he's the muscle and you would you would think if we're going to sink so much money into Gary Busey who was nominated for an act nominated for an Oscar and John Reese Davies who's a you know a very recognizable face and a good actor in his own right they one of at least one of these two people would be the main star like the yeah but you're right but it's probably a thing where they could only get him for so many days so it's like all right Gary Buse. You're the villain now. You're the villain. And you're honestly, you're an absentee villain is what you are. So we start the film. Gary Bucie and John Reese Davies are they, they've, they just call him J.R.D. from now on. J.R.D. Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. They have stolen. And this is, this is my art history kicking in. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, a girl on a bicycle. Oh, so that's why I went missing.

What? Why? Because Gary Pusey stole it. Oh, yes. I don't think it went missing in real life. Well, no, I know. That's, yeah. Oh, I see. I live in the world of canvas.

I don't know if you know that. You're so enraptured in it. In my reality, that's been stolen by Ozzie Decker, art thief. I would love it if you actually ran into Gary Pusey and you read the other way. Oh, it's a criminal. Oh, my God. It's Ozzie Decker. I bet a lot of people do that.

you see john reese davies at subway aren't you did spoiler alert yeah alert wait spoiler alert he's oh yeah no no he dies in the movie so they've stolen this willem decooning and this fucking nerd who's gonna buy this painting is like coming up all tough to them in this like in this like warehouse parking garage type thing and this guy is hilariously just like getting ready for this art deal

and he starts doing all this blow. There's an amazing shot of Gary Busey looking at this guy doing cocaine, and he does like a bug eye, like, wow, that's a lot of cocaine. And he just, because Gary Busey's an amazing actor, it's all in the eyes. He's like, wow, that's a lot. Your heart might explode. And Gary Busey's there to deliver this painting and get his money, and now the guy says, that looks fucking ugly.

That's not the painting I told you to steal. Yeah, you know, Dekooning was an abstract expression. expressionist. So it's clearly, it doesn't look exactly like a woman on a bicycle, you know. Well, yeah, exactly. Well, I guess what did he do? Just get on the art catalog and just of just titles. And like, get me a woman on a bicycle. Yeah, exactly. It's like, dude, you, you asked for and Gary Bucy, even though he's this like criminal is, he's very right. He's like, look, you asked for it. Bub, you know, like, give me my $80,000. He's like, listen, this painting sold for over $1 million. You're getting it real cheap. Uh, well, well, can't you just put it back

where you got it from. He does say that. He does, yeah. Well, the best part is he offers Gary Bucie Coke, and only in this fantasy world does he not accept it? It's like, not when I'm working bub. That's going to boil my mind juice. If my gums recede anymore, I ain't going to have any more gums left. Just delicious teeth. It's going to go lips than teeth. That's all you're going to see. I can't do any more blow. So, this guy's like, no way, man. I'm I'm going to go to the cops, and Busey's like, hold on and pulls out his gun. Maybe I'm not going to go to the cops. And he does the old, open your mouth.

And, like, he's got to put his, puts a gun in his mouth. And all the while, John Reed's Davis, he's like, oh, hold on, come on. Oh, Ozzy, no, oh, no, Ozzy, just a minute here. This is ridiculous, Ozzy. What's so stupid, though, is like, listen, Gary Bucy, if you are making this dudes suck your gun, okay? And you know you're going to kill this guy. Just blow his brains out. Let's see what's the gun at his mouth.

Rize Davis is like, oh, great. And he's like pulling out a big garbage bag. I've seen this before. He's got that crazy eyes. Why'd you bring up cocaine? So Gary Busy murders this guy. And he's like, clean it up. Yeah, because he shoots him like twice in the stomach or something.

Yeah, it's like a gut shot. And he just, he just kills this guy. And he orders John Restate. to fucking take care of it and he goes home for the night and that's like fucking garbage man i steal paintings i don't swab up blood got to go babe so that's like that's our intro right it's like canvas 1992s canvas and i am so excited i'm like oh shit it's going to take all place in this warehouse it's going to be like kind of a fake totally a fake reservoir dog yeah right with fucking you know with gary bucey and john rase davies and maybe ernie

Hudson's going to show up, like, any mid-level star? I could get into that. It would have been awesome. But instead, we cut to this bike messenger. And by the way, this is something I would like to coin. The cousin of fart rock, this is fart rap. It is early 90s just straight up 100% fart rap. It's nothing musician who's doing shitty early 90s, like pop rap.

And it's just, he's rapping about, like, when you want to go. hard and you want to go strong you gotta really kick it to the extreme and i'm just like this sucks i know i just went from this great scene where gary buzzi murders this guy you know we're dealing we're dealing in the in the it's like and and the world of art thievery right like that's a sexy crime stealing these million dollar paintings like that's a sexy business to be in and i'm like all right this is going to be a sexy gary buzzi thriller i'm okay with this there's cocaine willem decooning paintings. This is fantastic. If you want to go hard and you want to go strong, you have to go to the extreme.

And there's fucking pussy's on a bicycle wearing gray sweatpants. And they paid so much for this song, I guess. This is the song at the end, which is so inappropriate for the end of this movie. Yes, it absolutely is. It's fine for like this kinetic, this frenetic scene where he's, you know, going, zipping through Toronto or whatever. Montreal, okay. Which, and let's try to, try to crack this egg a little bit. here at the start of this conversation.

But the IMDB plot summary of this movie clearly states that it's New York. It's New York art. He's a New York artist. It's like the New York art scene and blah, blah, blah. But it's wrong. It's all wrong. It's all clearly Montreal. Well, Amazon video at least got it right when they're like, no, it's not New York.

They're like, oh, let me use that, but let me take that out. Yeah. It's not. Well, because, I mean, they don't even do the fake thing that movies like this would do, like, you know, Rubble in the Bronx will, like, cut to, like, stock footage of the Empire State Building. Right. And then we're on the street in fucking Montreal. Yeah, exactly. No, there's nothing.

But when I watched it the first time, I was like, it's just really confusing. But the other part of it is the guys who play the two main, the brothers, the main character. So we have an artist. And then this bicycle messenger who's like the fuck up, you know, Fredo Corleone, like this younger brother, they're kind of just trying to. fucking do like a New York thing, but it's kind of getting messed up because there's a Canadian thing happening. And it's just, hey man, give me some of that

marinera sauce. Mama me. This is a real crime keeper. Oh, hey there. Keep stirring that sauce, will you? Jeez. It is, yeah. And there's levels of awfulness

in the Canadianness of this. Because the bike messenger, the younger brother, Tony, much worse. Oh, he's the worst actor I've ever seen. And the Canadian accent on this guy, I don't know if anyone here has watched any Kroll show, but Wheels Ontario, that's what it is.

Which is amazing because this guy looks like a mentally challenged Nick Kroll. It's just this real, are he there, brother? Don't get me in trouble with the mafia. He's so clearly. not all there and like it's they're trying to do this like Popa Greenwich Village thing yeah you're right

which is just a scummy fucking rip off but like because this guy the backstory is this fuck up brother they haven't talked to each other a long time because he's such a piece of shit he's stashed drugs and his in his artist's brother's house and his brother went to fucking jail

for a year he did jail time yeah jail time because this idiot left a bag of drugs around and it's like and then when you hear this guy talk about it. Like, you just want to punch him in his blank stare face. Because he's just like, oh, you know,

I've done a lot of growing up since then, Johnny. Don't you want to take care of me like Mars said? Oh, fucking shoot me in the face. I think this is almost turning into like the episode we said

we'd never do on the room. Oh, hey, Mark, take care of me. Hey, Danny, sorry I put you in prison for a year. Cheap-de-chee-chee-chee, but no, listen, this actor makes Tommy Weizzo look like fucking Harrison Ford. He makes him look like John Rees Davies and his mastery of the English language. Don't forget I'm in this movie, gentlemen. So this bike messenger, let's keep the train moving here.

Now, he gets mugged, like, like he's biking around. Yeah. To the extreme. punks This is punk's in a car Run them down This punk The lead punk looks like

Roger Klotz from Doug Holy shit What with his green skin Well no no But he's got the red He's at the same haircut He's got the leather jacket Hey there funny

My parents are divorced See what that led to Hey remember how stupid it was When they brought Doug From Nickelodeon to ABC Roger Klotz was rich for no reason. Yeah, they just didn't want that shit anywhere near Disney.

That was the most botched thing in the world. Yeah, that was a botched transfer of a television show. You change those voice actors. I'm taking off. Maybe I will watch sliders today. No, it was like transferring it to Nickelodeon, from Nickelodeon to ABC is like when fucking Jeff Goldblum tries to transport that fucking baboon and the fly.

It just comes out all wrong. What came back was not human. Yeah, it did not live long. All right, so this guy gets mugged by Roger Klotz. And he's working for the big Bob Boss, who's the second worst actor. And I mean, it's a photo fucking finish. And he's the second fattest actor in this movie compared to John Rhys Davies. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's fatter.

He's a fatter than John Rist. Oh, I've looked this guy up and down for a while now. You could tell he's fat because here's the thing. It's like sometimes this fat hides on you. He has, he's got his big belly, and then down. where his crotch should be because that's where my eyes go. Giant second belly. Belly crotch is where

you, you know. Oh, so he's got a fooper, does he? And I keep that shit clear. Clear for fucking. I may be overweight, but I've always been able to see my cock. John Ristamie's defending his obesity.

This guy looks like, and I mean this is for all the wrestling fans out The guy that used to own ECW. Dude, I'm looking at a picture of Paul Hayman right now. And he fucking looks exactly like it. Wait, I got to say, I'm trying to pull it up with my phone to show you. This is Paul Heyman.

And if you don't know what Paul Hayman looks like, this guy, and the problem is, it's not just fat guy, it's fat guy with ponytail, with long, stringy ponies. And this guy's, it's greasy, and he's totally fucking bald. It's kind of like a skullet going on. Yeah, it's a Paul Heyman is what it is. It's really gross. And, you know, and he's, I don't know. He rules Montreal with an iron fist, I guess. Yeah.

He goes up to the guy, you know, he's pissed off. He doesn't believe that, you know, he was mugged. Obviously, why would you? Because this guy's a world-class piece of shit. Now, now, Canadian listeners are our friends to the North. maybe we're just totally ignorant on this. Is there a strong Italian mafia population in Montreal? We all hate movies at gmail.com.

What is the Italian mafia situation in the great city of Montreal? And what accent do they use? Because that's also interesting because you get no, no, no the Kubequa. You know, you get none of the French Canadian in this movie whatsoever, despite its local chaos. There's no Quebecquo. There's just these guys trying to do Italian accents. It's really weird. And, you know, we cut to our, the artist guy who is Frank.

It's Frank. And, you know, he's painting this thing. And his, his girlfriend, who I've been calling Flora Dern because she's a fake Laura Dern. Yep. It's just like, you know, she's, she's like, come on, let's have sex. Let's have sex. All right. He's painting this thing.

And he's painting a sign for a pizzeria, an Italian Montreal pizzeria, Monomias. Yes. It's, okay, it's a, paint you a picture here. It's Mona Lisa delivering a pizza Because she's got nothing better to do And he's pretty pompous about it He is pretty poppous about it And he delivers it to this

This pizzeria kind of comes to nothing in this movie Like you think it's gonna be something Well because the owner of the pizzeria Is kind of a character And then like there's another like It's like a Don Corleone But Montreal version who's dining in the restaurant

in another scene the restaurateur is calling this Frank guy when trouble goes down like, hey your sign's broke trouble's going down at the pizzeria, call me back this show is sponsored by Better Help

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash WHM. This episode's brought you in part by Rocket Money, and they have this question for you. They handed to me just now, Mr. Rocket, just handed me this. Do you know how much your subscriptions really cost? Most Americans think they pay around $80 a month on subscription services, but the actual total is closer to $200. If you don't know exactly how much you're spending every month, you need rocket money.

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Stop throwing the money away. Cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way. by going to rocketmoney.com slash W.H.M. That is rocketmoney.com slash W.H.M. Once more, rocketmoney.com slash W.H.M., which stands for We Hate Movies. So, much to Frank's chagrin, he's torn back into the world of his brother, because we are and his fuck-ups, because we are just ripping off the Pope of Greenwich Village in case anyone was wondering.

He's just going to make a mess And make this guy clean it up And he's 40 grand deep to Paul Heyman Which is really, you know You do not want to be That was Taz's introductory contract Wow Dude one I have not thought about Taz in like 10 years

Two is Taz dead No I think he's still doing I think he's still doing WWE stuff Is he really? He was an answer for a while Yeah I mean I have not watched wrestling in like 15 years

I don't know what the fuck's going on I got no idea what's going on So the whole thing is Like he's got this art show Coming up right And it's like Frank's big art show Where they're opening up their loft To you know for people to come in

Maybe buy the art Well you know we'll see what's what Yeah And this fat guy shows up At the you know at the show And he's looking for this younger brother Because I guess the whole thing was like The fat guy was getting drugs delivered to him

And that's what was in this idiot's when he got mugged by Roger Plots. Clots, I apologize. So he's like, oh, where's, where's your little fucking brother? I'm going to beat his ass, you know. He demands to speak to him outside and like he has to tell his girlfriend like, hold on, I got to go take, I got to have a shady conversation with a man so big I can actually be in the shade.

This guy, by the way, our leading actor is losing. his hair. I mean, admirably, but losing his hair. He's fighting the good fight, but we're on the back stretch in this battle. I just realized what a knockoff he was of. Elias Cotees. Yes, he looks like a very

poor man's Olias Codius. Who is, that's what I was getting at is the beginning of this scene, like Flora Dern's like, hey, there's a lot of eligible guys here too are like spinster friend and she's like, you got the hottest tonking town. And I'm like, no, she doesn't. No, Montreal's a big city.

guaranteed there's a ton of hunks out there and Elias Codius is a good looking guy like he's like a weirdly attractive dude this guy's just ugly you know why because Elias Codius has a fucking spine like this character is just like oh you know

I don't know what's going on here fat guy I can't tell you what's going on look I'm just painting pictures can't you see I'm gonna fucking kill your brother and then I'm gonna eat them nom nom nom nom yeah it's a fucking jabadoo

Hut. In deep with Jabadou Hut. Sorry for dropping my shipment of spice at the first side of an Imperial cruiser. Even my art gallery gets boreded sometimes. Or something. Yes. My favorite line is he comes back and his girlfriend's like, hey, what's going on? What did that mobster walk with you?

He's like, oh, nothing. He's like, hey, we're out of beer. He's like, there's more beer behind the couch. He says he's got a stash. My stash behind the couch It's like you live in a loft I can see your couch How are you just putting things behind it

That's not a stash You just put something on the floor She can't see this Did you look behind the couch lady or what And there should be a countdown Because there's many long expanses Between when Gary Buse is in this movie And I really feel like there should be a little clock

Like you know like Get a little teeth clock go Yeah like a pop-up video kind of thing Every time it comes off or like a warning thing like a little chatter teeth come up in the corner like yeah it's like 10 minutes till teeth

I'll be back in 10 minutes what you would need to know you know you could put your 3D glasses back on you still have time to go to bathroom man those totally obnoxious partial 3D movies fuck that

that was that original not the original Superman Returns is a partial 3D movie I remember seeing that and like being like I guess I'll put them back on yeah it was totally obnoxious I don't like 3D movies, but like at least now we can just leave the glasses on the whole fucking time. That on and off shit was really distracting. So the whole thing is then the phone rings.

And this is the phone call from the restaurant that's like, you better get down here. There's someone you might want to see kind of a thing. And it's, you know, he's like, oh, I got to step out for a little bit. And she's like, well, what if someone shows up and is actually interested in any of your paintings? He's like, I'm not going to count on it. So I'll be back in a few minutes. don't make me laugh on him having a hard day so we'll have another party

on another Saturday calling it an art opening and he gets there and his brother's like Tommy I'm sorry and he's like oh my God you're the worst fucking brother in the world I didn't mean to do it but I did it

and he's like man I should have put you in a fucking pillowcase and dropped you into a river because then at least I could be back at my art show. And, you know, he kind of says, all right, I'll straighten things out with this fat guy. Even though I'm not a mobster, I'm, I have no money to pay your bills. I'm like, I'm practically homeless. Like, what exactly do you expect me to do right here? And it's awesome too because he's like, in another one of this dude's amazing line to deliver, he's like, Frank is like,

oh, you fucked up, you fucked up, you idiot. You're on drugs again. He's like, no, I swear I'm not on dope again. It's like, dude, you might be on. something man you're just doing the guy from fucking american movie now oh hey there we're gonna do some acid now and steal a painting oh all the surge i was driving that bicycle you know and i was going really fast you know and then i just all of a sudden uh oh here's a ninja turtle and an acid flashback and i fell over and i guess these kids stole my weed then i i legitimately met paul haman from the ECW. No, Frank, I'm serious.

I met Paul Heyman. He was here. We split a case of surge. And then I asked to Paul Heyman if he had any acid. And he said, no. So now I owe him a lot of money. Long story short, I owe someone $40,000

and a six pack of surge. Jesus Christ. This movie, man. It's the movie that doesn't. it to you. I think we found the one. So he goes back to the art opening and

luck as luck may have it. Famous art dealer, Ozzie Decker is there. Fuck it walks in like he owns the place. Oh yeah, he strolls right in, doesn't he? It's awesome. And that's, you know, Gary Busey man no matter the movie, he is giving a commanding performance. He is always

giving 110%. And you know what? I actually really enjoy this performance because he sells me that some of these paintings are worth the fucking damn you know what I mean like oh yeah which are terrible and he's like you know I really love the chaos of this one it's your brush strokes it's just it's just absolute madness

absolute madness the canvises aren't big enough for you oh that that's the best thing I mean listening to Gary Bucie be an art critic he's selling me on it man it's always you know it's that old improv thing of like play you know the highest intelligence

even if you're making it up make it sound like you know what you're talking about and Gary Busey is being totally convincing in this bullshit art criticism and he's you know he's like why don't you come down to my my gallery tomorrow oh i'd like to sell a bunch of these paintings for you and the guy's like the best part of this whole series is the guy is just like oh you know that's a really great man thanks a lot also over here my girlfriend's got some photographs and gary busey just stares at this dude silently for five seconds and goes well i'll see you tomorrow not interested in these shitty photographs.

Flora Dern's like, okay. And it's great. He's like, uh, sorry I couldn't get him interested in your photographs. And she's like, oh, that's all right. Guess I'll just throw him in the garbage. So he goes to meet Buse you the next day. And it's this meeting where it's like he's signed for the Yankees. You know what I mean?

Oh, is this with, is this the Yankees policy? I take 50% what you make. Yeah, that's nuts, by the way. Yeah. My agent fee is half. This guy is a fucking moron. And, you know, he's like, well, you can shop around if you want to. And he's like, no, no, that sounds good.

Take half of anything I make. That's, yeah, I think that's great. And I'm like, do you know anything about the business you want to be in? No. I know the answer is no, but does he? It's a seesaw of the worst negotiation in history. Because first of all, Busey's like, hey, I want half. And he's like, sold.

And he's like, can I have a. $40,000 advance, and he's like, hey, sounds good. It's like, no, neither of these things should be happening. But because Gary Busey's a criminal and he sees that this dude is in trouble, he agrees to the loan because he knows he's just going to take advantage of this guy, right? Yeah, he's like, yeah, sure. Yeah, you can have $50,000. That's fine.

But pretty much immediately, he's like, now I got a truck, you got to pick up. Yeah, he doesn't even wait. He's not like. Yeah. No, he's basically saying, you know, there's no, there's no dip in his toe into the thing. Like, this guy, Frank, doesn't, like, sort of slowly find out that Gary Buse is a criminal. It's like, bam, I'm a criminal. Here's what we're doing.

You agree to it. And he's like, oh, you know what? This is not for me. And he's like, come on. I bet you're in real tough shape. You really need this money, right? You need it. And he puts the keys to the truck in his mouth and he's like, er.

He's like, playing with it with his teeth. It's grotes. It's a really weird scene. Because also, too, he's like, he says something. I don't know what the context is, but it's during the whole negotiation thing. And it's before he asks for $40,000. Like, he's like, he says something about like, he says like, I might need an advance. And Gary Busey's like, what do you need?

Fast car, fast women? And he's like, uh, $40,000. Oh, didn't see that coming. You want to play around with John Reed Davies? He's in the bag. Hello, I'm in this movie too. So, like, it's like an easy job to set him up in the world of art capering. Because Gary Busey, like, it's like his truck, like one of his paintings or something.

I think it's like a thing where it's like not to implicate him in all the insane art theft that's suddenly happening. Well, that's the problem too. It's like it's every night there's a new art. So it's a one night they do too. Like, why no one's putting it together? It's Montreal. There is a reason no one's putting it together. We're introduced in this very scene to this FBI agent.

Oh, I forgot about this guy. This dude walks in and he's like, hello, movie. I'm from the FBI. And Gary Busey's like, you know, oh, how can I help you? And the guy's like, all right, listen, you know, I just wanted to let you know. There's been more paintings stolen. And then Gary Bucy just like takes the file from him. He's like, oh, well, keep me up, dude.

I want to hear every every breaking news scoop you have and then he throws it in the garbage And then the guy's just like, well thanks See you later movie Oh, before you go, real quick I thought the FBI didn't have jurisdiction in Canada

Yeah, exactly. Oh, did he say FBI? He says he's from the FBI Which is maybe he's a female body inspector He just loves the art Oh, he got that fucking he went to like Newport Beach and bought that fake wallet that is this season there was such an amazingly written joke on an episode of Archer where he's he taught archer talks about having a female body inspector t-shirt and he says something like uh you know I got it on my trip to Myrtle Beach and I'm like yes Myrtle Beach is where they fucking make those t-shirts like it was just such a perfectly tuned joke I was like oh I love you at

him read you're the best yeah it's great show so yeah this and this FBI guy just comes and goes and that's the end of him he never comes back into the movie he never makes waves you know he's not hot on the trail of gary abuse he's not even cold on the trail there is no trail he goes to the end of movie town speaking of things that should be in the movie but but aren't says like all right it's gonna be you're gonna strike at midnight you got to knock out the guard it's not gonna be too difficult you know he's overweight you knock out the guard you stash the car and he does all this he says all this stuff and then the next seen the guy's driving the truck like it all happened don't you don't want to see that

heist done and done yeah it's look the movie isn't that long but it's like that seems like a pretty crucial scene right the the scene where like this guy is committing his first ever crime yeah it's a real turning point in his life he's clearly hit rock bottom he's trying to help this mentally disabled brother his that just keeps fucking up you want to see that scene director It's not like I'm mentally disabled. It's just that I've done 41 hits the acid, and when you do that, you lose a lot of brain functions. So he pulls Gary Busy's truck into Gary Busy's garage.

Yeah, and the cops are done the wiser, by the mission accomplished. Gary Bucy gives him the money. The guy's offended that it's not the $40,000, which, you know, Gary Busey's right here to give him only a grand for this. Yeah, he's like, look, you really didn't do that much. You just went and picked something up and drove it back to this garage. So now, see, he's got you, you got to taste the action. You got a little lick of that ring.

Now you want more, right? So now he's going to, like, he's going to get this guy going with him for a few weeks here doing all the art capers. Well, Gary Busey says to him, you know, at the end of a week or at the end of two weeks or whatever it is, you will have your $40,000. It's just not like a one-time deal. Oh, I just realized something. I guess that's Canadian dollars. I mean, it might be. But, you know, then again, someone from the U.S. Treasury could come into this movie with the FBI agent because this movie has no idea what fucking city it takes place in.

The King of America shows up. Oh, my God, with that golden scepter of his. That's the next art he meets up with John Reese Davies. He's like, this guy. your valet. He's going to teach everything about Art Heistin. And John R. Steyer's like, oh, hello. He's like, he's kind of a little disappointed in the fact that he's still being like number two to Gary Busey. When he introduces our character, Frank, to John Reese Davies, there's a totally hilarious continuity error. It's like the office scene is, you know, Gary Bucie's got like

his golden Gary Bucy locks. But then when we cut to this scene where the heist is about to happen, all of a sudden, Gary Bucy's got like brown hair. In this one scene, his hair is noticeably darker than it normally is for the rest of the movie. I've got to dye my hair again. We're doing the box for Buddy Holly coming out on VHS. Okay, that makes sense. I'm not going to cut my hair or nothing. I'm just going to put a hat on.

Oh, my God. Gary has fallen on another motorcycle, everyone. This is pre-motorcycle, right? We always need to keep that in mind. I think this is right after. 1992. Oh, wow. I think it was late 80s he had his act.

Was John Reeves Davies on the back of that bike? Oh, no, Gary, look out! And then he used food as comfort. Watch out for the train! One of my favorite JDR moments. Oh, wait, J.R.D moments is when pretty much right after this, like he's driving in the car, the van with Frank, and Frank's complaining that there's no music.

You know, like you can't do it. Oh, yeah. So then John Rees, like, he turns up the music and the dude says it's terrible. Yeah, it's like Greek music. Yeah, he's like, oh, what's the matter with you? You don't like Pazuki music? I can't do the voice, but that's what he's. I don't know what position.

I mean, I guess it's a type of. No, it is. It's like an instrument. Oh, yeah. It's sort of like a guitar. Like a mandolin kind of because it sounds very mandolinish. Yes. And, you know, it's like.

It's music from mythology times. I mean, it's fucking Greek music. John Reis Davies is playing an off-the-boat Greek. Yes. Let the man listen to his music. You're in his car. Well, you miss the part where they get into his van. And he's like, oh, you ain't got no way.

Oh, no, I keep it under the sheet. It's the 90s. And he's like, oh, yeah. Because he's got that fucking slide-in radio, which is the best joke in McGruber. Oh, yeah. Because my dad totally had that. I just remember to go into all sorts of family functions.

My dad had this fucking radio purse with him. Oh, your dad's bringing it in the house? Oh, yeah, you can't just leave it in the car, dude. Oh, man, that's awesome. That's total McGruber. That is totes McGrubes. Oh, man, I love Magroober. Yeah, it's amazing.

We should paint John Rhys Davies here because his, the figure he cuts in this movie is pretty fantastic. A morbidly obese, Captain Lou Elbano. Well, he's, well, first of all, his... Well, first of all, Captain Lou Elbano was no slim chicken. But continue. Well, I think one distinctive thing is they put a hat on him. It's a Dom Deloese fat guy hat.

No, but it's also a Greek guy hat. Yeah. Yes. We live in a very Greek neighborhood here in New York. And have for a long time. It kind of looks like he came in second to be Pluto and Robert Altman's Popeye. You know what? You're on the money there.

He does look exactly like blue. Now, who's playing Bluto in the Altman flick? I forget just some. It's a big fat no, but is it Paul Heyman? No, I think it's like, oh, God, was one of the guys from Crime Wave, I want to say? Oh, really? It's like something really deep, I think. And he's got this Don King Medallion.

Oh, yeah, he's bedazzled in this movie. It's this gigantic gold sphere on him. And, like, he's so proud of it. It's in every scene because it's actually a crucial plot point in this film at some point. So speaking to crucial plot point, so while this, the drive is going on. Gary Busey meets up with another associate of his, and this is a really cloudy, confusing moment here in the movie. But so it turns out, John Reese Davies has had another partner on these heists.

And it's this bald guy. He kind of looks like Sean Penn and Carlito's way. And Gary Busey's like, now my friend, J.R.D. tells me that when you went on the last house, you got caught on a security camera. and he's like, uh, yeah, but it's only one security camera, so it ain't no big deal, you know? And he's like, yeah, you're right, it probably isn't a big deal. Let's just be safer next time. And then Gary Busey breaks this guy's neck and just leaves him for dead.

It's insane. It's amazing. He just, it just out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, Busey neck break. It's like a Segal neck break. Like in the movies, I feel like necks are a little more malleable than they are in real life. Yeah, probably. Probably true. If I had all day to break some guy's neck, I couldn't do it. Like, you know, you lock me in a room with a guy who's totally willing to have his neck broken.

I was all right, Steve, just breaking his neck. It would take me a long time. By the way, if you want to get your neck broken, go to the creepy craigslist that Steve's on. Put up a little ad, Steve. Steve will try. But it's one of those crazy neck breaks, too, where, like, he's kind of got him in, like, a backwards headlock. So, like, Gary Busey's facing forward, and this guy's, like, bent over back. And Gary Busey's got him by the head

And does it just like a like he's jerking it up till this dude's own body weight breaks his neck It's horrendous It's amazing and the funny thing is he calls him Michael in this scene And I'm almost positive later in the movie he's referred to as Brian Like it's just it's like that big of a fuck up Oh probably So not only are you doing two heists in one night You're doing two heists and a murder in one evening like dude

the cops have to be at your door i'm sorry it's a small enough town you're only working in the it's not like you're doing okay i'm gonna i'm gonna go rob this art piece and then rob this painting and then you know go steal drugs from the the cubans down down the street like no no you're you're working you know crime wave it'd be like the joker at this point everyone knows what your next move is going to be yes so it's like that's like the first night of criming you know and he explains like i i'm going to need you a lot more times he gets he the second thing that they pick up not that it's super important but it's kind of hilarious is this uh photorealistic painting of a native american oh yes which is only important because the next day because john

reese davies was off that day and they didn't they couldn't find busey it's a scene between him and his girlfriend and he's painting the indian on her back yeah that's uh really stupid yeah what a What a giveaway. What I wanted to mention about this, the second robbery that they do that night, though, is they're robbing this, like, old museum or something that doesn't have much security or something like that. And they get out of the car and the guy is like, wow, this place is really old. It's creeping me out. And John Rees Davies tells a ghost story. He tells an honest to goodness 100% Canadian ghost story.

And then it just cuts. Like, you expect him to be like, I'm just fucking with you, Frank. And he's like, and then they say, Spirits come out at night and I'll walk these grounds. Well, let's go break into this museum. And he just saunteres off. And I'm like, no, no, no.

You got to tell him. John Ries Davis, come back. You had to tell him you're fucking with him. You just legitimately told the ghost story if you walk away. Also, old pro, don't put the willies into your, fucking, you're like, your noob. He's the worst at trying to train this guy for

anything. He's just terrible, because like when he's being really cautious around the Native American painting, like, Reese Davies is like, oh, you can just take it off the wall. Just rip it right off the fucking wall. Five finger disco. What if John Reese Davies, somewhere in the back of his head, right,

he's like, this guy is trying to, he's trying to replace me. He's trying to get Gary Busey to replace me. Well, I'll show Gary Busey. I'm going to make this guy a shitty trainee, and it'll be terrible. And then I'll have this job forever. He's just like, oh, yes, ghost stories. Rip it off the wall.

Clap your hands while the security guard walks by. Now what you want to do is run into this police station with your gun out. He does his suicide by cop, and he just walks away. As the bullets go, he walks away, puts his little Greek fisherman hat back on. throws a net over his shoulder lights his pipe yeah oh man he does have a pretty sweet life

in this world I would like to be an old almost retiring art thief yeah it probably wouldn't be that bad it would probably be kind of bad but it would be not that bad yeah you know you just

you gotta skip town I mean I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna look like John Reese Davies in 20 years anyway speaking of other stories that John Reese Davies tells he's like

this is after they've started they've stolen this Native American painting and they're making the drive back and he's talking about like how easy it was or something like that and he's like the guy's like you call that easy and he's like well yes of course I do you should

have been there when we robbed Trump's place and he's like what you robbed Donald Trump and again that's why I'm like oh okay New York right so then because this movie has no fucking idea where it takes place later on he says something about like that was easier than the time we robbed Onassis.

And he's like, now, wait a minute. You told me you robbed Donald Trump. Now you're saying you robbed Aristotle Onassis. And he's like, oh, Onassis Trump, I robbed them both. And I'm like, no, you did it. First of all, no, you didn't. Second of all, no, you definitely didn't do that. He also has JFK's brains.

It was missing, didn't you? The Warren Commission confirmed. I went under this bedspread, and there they were! He was always sulking around that White House. So they do the sensual back painting. And what's awesome is, like, while he's doing it, she's like just laying there, you know, and she's like, is it finished?

And he's like, no, I have a few strokes left. And then I guess I can take a picture of it and say that you took it or something. But then it cuts to, like, him trying to. trying to wash it off and then she's instantly pissed off. Yeah. It's like, is it off yet? And he's like, no, not just yet. Should have used a lighter paint set. Sorry.

So she's the titular canvas. What's great is somewhere around this back painting part, there is an honest to goodness fade to black for a commercial break. Yeah. Oh yeah. Which it's like, come on. Who's broadcasting this movie

on commercial television? And by the way, with the name like canvas, I thought this was going to be about art foraging. Yeah. Forging. Forging. Yeah. Foraging is what Gary Busey is doing.

He's just foraging around. He's foraging art. Yeah. Forging for a neck to break. So. Give you a Colombian necktie. Oh, he's done a few. This guy.

This guy played for the keeps. So the stakes go up because he's visited by this woman who's like, okay, you need to steal two paintings, each for four million. each, you know, and you have until son up to do it for some fucking reason, not like... Well, he thought, like, I guess he initially thought like, well, I could do one tonight and then the other one tomorrow night.

Yeah, just one a night. But she wants them both by morning and he's just like, I guess we can do that. Of course they can. They did it the night before. There was already two robberies in one night. There's no, like, and that's the thing is like... Frank's going to have to pull a double shit. Exactly. Because

Lord knows I'm not doing shit. I'm outbreaking necks. Frank is like, he's supposed to be like this old pro. Oh, the next big score is coming in. And like, he doesn't do any casing. You know what I mean? Like, he's not like, he doesn't have any tricks. Like, he's like cutting securities.

It's like, I don't know. Break it with a hammer. Like, you know what I mean? Just cut it out of the wall, indeed. By the way, when Frank goes to work that night, he's like heard on the news about the guy who got his goddamn neck broken next to some piece of art. And he tells, you know, Sala about this.

And Sala's just like, he's like, oh, I guess we have competition. Yeah. Yeah. There's multiple art thieves on this tiny island Canadian city. He'd be great. He's like, oh, I guess we have

competition. If you'll excuse me for a second. And then he goes to the other, oh, Brian, oh, Brian, why were you so vain? Or Scott, whatever your name was. Oh, how I'll miss you.

He's blown kisses at the sky. Wherever you are. Now you're stealing paintings from Jesus. Say hello to Michelangelo. I wonder if that is a... I wonder if art theft is a job in the afterlife. Like the devil wants you to steal from... I don't know.

George Washington. That's like a real party you got in the afterlife. It could happen. Sounds pretty rocking. So at some point in here, betwixt all the art thievery, it's, we're going back to this fucking fat guy to sort of like show, like he's like I got whatever it is, like five grand or so. I think at this point he's got 10 grand because the next one was worth more. I think he's done like 12 crimes at two days at this point. He's that a literal crime wave.

There are zero police officers to be found. and the best part about the seed is they open up at the fat guy's strip club and the stripper looks exactly like Penny Marshall. You're so fucking right. It is like the G team is out there on this strip club. And this guy is just like, hey, your boys like what you see, huh? I'm pretty proud of this strip club I own. And I'm like, you fat pig. Well, there was a scene earlier as well where he drags the little brother out.

and throws him against the wall and just shoots the wall. Oh, yeah, to really put the fear of God in him. Yeah, and be like, I'm not messing around. And then he just, like, fat guy shuffles off into, like, just, like, into the city. Like, there he goes. Well, the fat guy also has this vague number two. Yeah. Who's this kind of, like, it's kind of funny because he's a tall guy and he's a little buff,

but he's also significantly older than everyone else in every scene that he's in. It's just like this 60-year-old bodyguard. like, hey, don't fuck around with that fat guy. Like someone's like really stern dad, you know what I mean? A box your ears. Hey, hey. By the way, this is as much as the elaborate world

of the mafia we get to see is the fat guy and the old guy. Yeah, pretty much. That's it. I mean, the other side of it is this Italian restaurant. You know, the guy says, hey, see that old guy in the corner. He lent me

money to open this restaurant. Maybe he'll help you out. And it's hilarious because our hero, Frank, gets discriminated against because he's an artist. So the guy's like, Frank's like, listen, sir, you know, my brother's in a real jam. I need to borrow $40,000. Is there any way you can help me out? You know, and the guy's like, yeah, family's really important, eh? Let me ask you something. What do you there do for a job? And he's like, oh, I'm a painter. And the guy's like, oh, very respectable houses, painting houses. And he goes, uh, no. No, sir, like paintings. He goes, oh, well, get the fuck out of here. He basically says, like, he lent money to some other artists and the dude ripped him off. What kind of jam does a painter get into? Strawberry?

You're Mickey Mouse problems aren't welcome here, kid. Oh, yeah, I lent $40,000 to this director. He made some movie called Canvas. It'll never be seen. I'll never get to see a nickel off of it. That guy called himself an artist, too. And then the film turns inward on itself. Honestly, at the next point,

we could just start talking about the dragon scene because nobody knows what the fuck we're off. No, no, no, it makes sense. Let's talk about the next big heist. The heist they have to do at the big house where the guy has to be in the house to break into it, twist. So as Sala explains,

this guy has a very elaborate security system. And the only time it's turned off is when he's in the house. So they're staking it out and they're looking in binoculars to see if the guy is home. It's the only time there's any preparation done in this film at all. And Sala is just watching them start to have sex.

Yeah, there's the fella who owns the house and then this babe who's just completely nude. But she's in on it. It turns out she's in on it. She's one of Sala's gals. Whoa, would you like something from my harem, Indy? That Mary and Ravenwood's a real pain in the ass, indeed. Have your pick. So he hands the monoculus to Frank.

And Frank looks, and he's immediately offended. Yeah, he's fucking disgusted with J.R.D. And this line, do you remember this line that happens? Well, you see, the guy, you know, he's like, what, what are you getting off on this or whatever? And he goes, no, I've got porno movies of my own. Or something to that. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, hey, I got porno movies at my own home. I don't need this.

I just, into it? I just love that. I don't need this button. Like, I'm not, I'm not jerking. off. I don't need it. I'm just taking it in. Well, I also love that his response isn't like oh, I got a girlfriend at home.

It's like, no, I've got porn at home. I've got porn on beach at home. I'd be fine. So many Greek pornos. All these grimy VHS tapes that are all blue and white. Dude, when this guy... For the Greek flag, not because of the white. All right, go on. When this guy says that he

has pornos of his own at home, okay? And you're Looking at this man, you see how he's dressed. He's got a medallion on. You see the van that he drives. It just puts everything together. And you can instantly picture what this guy's home life is like, and it's disgusting. Well, that's because that's why he's still like a number two is because he's wasting all of his money on pornography and, like, phone sex.

Pornography, licorice lique lique lecour. Oh, I just got, he just gets home. He pours himself some of that licorice liqueur. Sambuka. Yeah, yeah. Ouzo. I got to call up my girlfriend, Jennifer, on the phone. Oh, her number's 1,900.

Oh, Stacey, it's your roommate, Jennifer. I don't think you know how this works, but whatever. I'd like to take her on a date. A date around the dial. I don't mean a date like Indy was eating at my home. Because those dates were poison. Thank God my monkey friend. out of away from him.

There's definitely wild animals living in this man's house. Oh, absolutely. Oh, my God. There's pornography, licorice liqueur, and exotic animals. There's a caged rooster. Oh, this guy. This is a long clock slash cockfighting. Yeah, this guy participates in all sorts of animal fights.

Not just, you go, cock fighting, dog fighting, gator wrestling. Skunk fighting. Whatever, man. Whatever. Baboon slap. Baboon slap fight. Oh, they'll do it. Slap the teeth right out of your mouth, Gary.

So, Fred's like, all right, now let's get in here. And, like, this is when Frank makes a fatal mistake. So he's cutting this painting out of the wall because, like... They're cutting the wall. To get around the security system, they are cutting a hunk of the wall out. With a penknife. Now, we should be clear, by the way. So when they're outside, you know, the guy has his back to the window.

and this woman's like making out with him or whatever and she's totally naked and she waves to the two dudes and he's like, all right, now it's time to go in. Hey, Frankie, you're finished yet? Stop jerking off. There's a painting to steal. You want to come back, I'll show you something at my house.

Turn your hair white. Show you a couple things. I have a two-bedroom apartment I do. And I live alone. You can have the run of the litter. I'll take you to my dog. room where I don't develop photographs.

So this woman gives them like a thumbs up and they go into the house but it's like the way I'm imagining this is laid out just by like the way the film is cutting around these rooms. It's like this guy is fucking this woman in

one room and she's like really overdoing it volume wise to cover up what's going on in the other room. But they're like literally just around the corner. Yeah, they're like right there. This dude is definitely hearing everything that's happening. Yeah, I mean, I feel like you're, even in the throes of ecstasy, you're like, you're very

sensitive to outside noises. What the fuck is that? Well, at one point, Frank knocks over a bottle of champagne and the guy's like, oh, hey, what the fuck? Something fell. And within that moment, we reveal that he's recording the sexual interview. Oh, yeah, he's making some pornos of his own. Yes, there is a, there is a TV and VCR running baby.

and you got I was just thinking like this rich guy who's house this is in like five years is going to put in that VHS tape and start doing his stuff and then he's going to get to the point

where like all right I remember when that noise that I thought was something falling over that's when my I guess his life was ruined in them his painting is stolen

yeah oh yeah now we're fucking we're fucking now a priceless artifact is being stolen from my house. Do you think you would edit that out? Two VCRs together? Yeah, no, then you have to do the tape to tape edit, and that's a lot of work for a homemade

porno. Hemming and hawn and, like, going into it, and he's, like, watching the tape, and then he hears, oh, my forked! And the guy is just like, he's just kicking himself. He's like, how did I not hear that fat Greek man yelling? No, he's also hearing him just eating in the kitchen. Frank, we got time to play pool. Oh, John Rhys Davies is definitely using the bathroom in this mansion.

Hey, Frank, what's the mustard situation in there? But that is the level of unprofessionalism, because this is so that they get to the painting, and it's just like that security system. So solid just cuts it off the wall. And then he just clips a bunch of wires. Like, it's not even anything. Well, first you have to cut it out Now I'm going to cut the blue wire

See, it's easy There's also a great line Like walls are so weak these days Like, oh, back in Greece Made out of stone everything Oh yeah It's ancient The stone that the ancients put down

I lived in the Colosseum I did You know, I were telling you about the time I tricked Hades to get my sister back That's how it is in Greece Did I ever tell you about the one time I walked straight into hell? The stipulation was I couldn't turn around or I'd be stuck there forever. Then he got exiled by Poseidon. His Greek ship was thrown against the coast of Montreal.

I beat a theta in a sewing contest. So they get this painting out. Oh, I guess it's Neptune. Sorry, I think I was using the Roman version. So they get this painting You know what made me think about that, Andrew? What's it? I was like, oh, wait, the Neptune diner. They believe in Neptune, okay.

Yeah, you're right, actually. See, New York City landmarks. It helps out whenever you, you know, just when you least suspect. That's where I get all my mythology from. Greek diner menus. So this guy finishes and realizes some fat guys eat the sandwich at his kitchen island there.

Well, at first he sort of like he finishes and he walks out there, like, ah, I finished. Time to appreciate my art. What, what, what? Yeah, it's a real like, oh, well, don't you know, baby? After every fuck, I got to go out, look at this painting. I'll be right back. Pause VCR.

And he goes out, and Reese Davies has the drop on him, and he gives him, like, a Kirkhammer punch to the back of the head. And he drops, and he's got a gun on his hand. And Reese Davis is like, let's get the fuck out of here. And he doesn't take the gun. No, which he certainly... I'm sorry. Because he thought the slider portal was opening.

Come on, Rembrandt Jones. Let's go. It's the only character's name I remember is that Rembrandt Jones. But it doesn't, yeah, exactly. I'm sorry. I'm not a... Quinn Mallory. That was Jerry O'Connell's name.

I'm not a seasoned professional criminal. So I don't know. And even I would disarm somebody I knocked out. Like just, oh, I'll take this gun. hey guess what i could sell this gun later or something why not you're stealing all sorts of stuff while you're there then you're making out like a literally like a bandit so he's walking out the door and the guy kind of does a mitchell it's like hey what and he gets shot in the bag and it's awesome because this dude is completely naked just firing at this guy yes that's something we forgot to mention he is nude the entire time the entire time which i think it's one of the only cases i can recall in a motion picture where a dude appears on screen and his only screen time he's just nude all the time he's naked the first time we see him

till the last time we see maybe he doesn't believe in clothes maybe he's like a nudist as well well I mean he's clearly living in like an eyes wide shut mansion oh yeah yeah this mansion out the middle of the woods all sorts of weird shit's going on raise Davies knocks about he's like hold on I'm gonna go to bedroom heat eject thank you

you see I have porno movies at home I collect them this way. So Reese Davies is shot in the gut or like on the side or something. He's shot in the back. It's okay. And, you know, it's like, let's get out of here, indeed. You know, he's like, you have to drive now because I'm almost paralyzed. And they speed away.

And by the way, Frank also fucking faceplants onto the painting their ceiling. And it just screeches against the pavement for like two feet. Totally tears this canvas. It's fucking useless. So now the whole thing is completely useless. They did this for nothing. An elaborate vandalism. But he brings the painting anyway.

They get into the van. They drive to Gary Busey's shady garage. And Buccey's not having it. He's ready to kill everybody. He's definitely ready to kill. He kind of is, they kind of love each other. Ozzie and Frank here. Yeah, well, it's a long-term relationship.

Ozzie and John Reese Davies character. Salah. Please. I apologize, but he's ready to kill Frank. He's like, no, no, it wasn't the kid. It was me. I've gone soft. By the way, I'm bleeding to death.

Can we hurry up a bit? How long to the next slide? Gary Busey has taken Frank's girlfriend, what was it, not Laura Dern? Flora Dern, yeah. She's been taken hostage. Obviously, because that's the only reason she's in this movie is to get kidnapped eventually. Right. And, you know, it's, you know, it's a, it's a kidnapping that they instantly show up.

So it's kind of even more for nothing. It's like they're revealed to be kidnapped right when you find out that they're kidnapped. So it doesn't matter. Yeah, exactly. But before the kidnapping happens, you know, John Reese Davies is like, well, I can't go to the hospital to call the police. So Gary Bucie has like, as all criminals do, there's a mob doctor. Of course. On the side.

But I guess Gary Bucy was last to sign up for like the. mob doctor hiring conference because the guy that he gets is a veterinarian who's addicted to heroin. Yeah. And like he's the dude it's like this really shady deal like in Chinatown and he's like... His name is

Chin, Dr. Chin. Yeah. And he's like you know, okay, take these pills for the pain or whatever. And he says, he says what is he's trying to figure out like, oh he's like I got to cut this bullet out of him. He's like just cut it out already. And the guy

is like well I don't have anything for your pain and he goes yes you do I know you do and he pulls this dude's shirt sleeve up and he's like you know like I see your track marks give me some of your heroin while you cut this bullet out of me John Reese Davies bad ass in this movie yeah I mean honestly that's what you got to do in that situation oh your face is melting off it's like a movie I was in your face looks like it's sliding oh take me to middle earth Remember when I played that dwarf? All of a sudden I'm three feet tall, indeed.

Yeah, you were helms deep in that role. Oh, wow, nice. Yeah, it took me a second. So now he's all doped up. He's like, let's go steal this other phishing. Who's up for a burglary? And, you know, because we got to do them both by son-up or fucking God knows what's going to happen.

By the way, this other guy must have called the police. He knows exactly that a rotund man and a balding man just tried to fucking rob it because they didn't wear masks. Then they go to this other bullshit museum where he sends Franken and no one is wearing masks. No, no one is wearing masks. And it's, I don't think it's a museum. I think it's like a country club type thing. Oh, you're right. Because someone calls the front desk and is like, oh, I left my briefcase there or some shit.

It's like a gun club or like a gentleman's club or something. There is definitely a security guard there walking around, you know. putting his nose in. Because Frank, you know, he's learning from the best with John Reese Davies. We just walk in. And the first lesson...

Hello. What is the first lesson he teaches them? Just rip it off the wall, Indy! So the guy does it. And of course, an alarm goes off and this fucking security guard's like, oh, well, that's really terrible, buddy. You're the worst thief I've ever encountered.

And then draws his gun and starts firing. And the way he gets out of this jam is the Scooby-Doo method, which is to knock a coat of, farmer on to someone. Yes. This is a big nice thing

that goes on this guy's like, oh no. And then they pull off his mask and it was the fucking the old Ferris wheel runner or whatever.

So at some point, I don't know if it's before or after this, but we have a final scene with the little brother because this movie's terrible and doesn't know how to wrap things up

properly. Yeah. The little brother shows up at the loft and Flora Dern answers the door. Or he's sitting outside in the cold and she comes in with groceries like,

Oh, great. I guess come in, you know. And so the guy, Frank, comes home and they have this hilarious argument where Florida Dern's calling him the fucking useless piece of shit. Your brother's garbage. I don't want him here anymore. And the guy's like, you don't even know what you're talking about. He's blood. You don't know what that's like. And then it's amazing the way they frame this argument because the two of them are on either side of the frame. And then this idiot is in the middle, like in the background, just like, oh, hey, Guys, I'm just back here drinking some surge, and I can kind of hear every word you're saying. It's not cool to talk about someone when they're in the room. It's a loft. I know you guys are technically in the bathroom, but I can hear you. He's the worst character ever, right? Like, his life is the MacGuffin of this movie. It is.

It absolutely is. It's not worth it. It's not. You should just, you know what? If Frank knew any better, he would have broke this dude's neck. Yeah. You would have been like, hey, Paul Heyman. You can DDT this guy

Into a piece of concrete and break his skull I don't care kill him Go get RVD to give him a fucking power bomb into a bunch of chairs Oh no he's gonna wrap me up and barbed wire and hit me with an exploding two by four Oh geez It's pretty cool Rob Van Damme was a really nice guy though I got his autograph it cost me $30 Canadian So they run away they get back to Busey with the next

painting. And this is the big standoff and again a really poorly directive action scene. There's one great motivation here because now Busey's obviously pissed. I mean obviously you didn't even get one of them's ruined and now he's like he's got as we know he's like the agent for Frank's artwork

so he's just like maybe I'll just shoot you and kill you and then the value will go up on his art. Here's this great artist who was murdered in my own garage. Figure that out. Weird. I watched this man soul leave his body. I saw it leave his eyes.

Now each canvas is $50,000. $10,000 for the canvas, $40,000 for the soul. I keep it in this mason, John. You could suck out a little bit of the soul for $40,000. Just be careful, though. It'll rot your gums. Make them recede back further into your teeth. How do you think these happen?

Chomp. If you're going to suck on some of this soul, I recommend buying an electric toothbrush. It really gets in all the nukes. and crannies. And I don't, I mean, like, he just killed, how does Buccey die here? So the whole thing is, like, Gary Bucce pulls out of fucking

gun. Yeah. And he's going to kill Frank and kill the girlfriend. And Reese Davies, who is just about dead himself. He's like, I don't think so, indeed. Don't do it. And he's like, he's like trying to, like, fight him. It's just obese. It's Vader against Palpatine. He lifts

him up. He throws him down a shaft. Like you do. And it's like Gary Busey's going to murder this guy. he's going to shoot the girlfriend and then Frank steps in the way and he's like, oh, that's sweet, Chevroarie's not dead. I'll kill you both. And then and then and then fucking Aristotle Onassis over there just shoots, he shoots Gary Busey in the back like multiple times and Bucer just drops.

It's intense. And then I'm like, oh, you know the best part of the movie's over. Unless he comes back as a ghost. That was the ghost story I was telling you about. Ghost exists in this world, don't you know? It's a haunted art gallery indeed. all of these paintings are from Frank's past

and some from Marcus Brody Marcus Brody Marcus Brody sir And the best part is the girlfriend So she was pissed off She's like you're doing crime again Blah blah blah I can't believe this

You're a piece of shit He's like no it's just my brother And then she gets kidnapped And like they're like Well we gotta drive this fat guy To the airport And she's like come the fuck on Oh yeah

It's awesome like she tries to leave him yeah uh at one point i think after they leave the airport like they leave saw at the airport and she's like you know what i am done with this i'm gonna go take some pictures or something i'm gonna move out of this loft like you're done and the dude just does the old like i'm just gonna rassel you till you give in and then you're just my girlfriend again like she just totally gives in like yeah you know all right fine she should leave because like oh oh your your boyfriend was hiding his his scheme with the mafia and stealing art from you like it's crazy and also like his paintings are he can't go back and get those things you know what I mean like they're garbage anyway that's also let's be honest well that's what's kind of interesting about this movie is you never really actually see a full canvas at all you can't see this guy's work right there's like angle of it like there's parts when Gary when Gary Busey's talking about like how his brush strokes are so great and all that shit but you're like up close so you're like up close so you never get to see what the full painting is. We never really get to appreciate his art. Yeah, guaranteed it's horse shit, though. So they do the handoff at the airport. This lady apparently,

again, pre-9-11 world, is getting, they're doing a crooked art deal in an airport lobby. Well, like, it's like at the gate. It's right by the gate. Yeah. They're like loading a plane just out of frame, and this woman walks in, and yet he's somehow able to

get this wrapped canvas, like, just into the airport. Oh, let me just help you with that canvas. Let me put my gun away. Oh, hello, hello. No, I'm bleeding everywhere. Don't find me. Oh, it's an airport. It's like a bus station. Oh, let me just pop a few more of these heroin pills.

Delicious. This is magic Chinese heroin pills. He really wants to get, you know, a mile high here because he's also, he's going to take a flight to buy some Greek villa on some islands. Oh, we have, and this is obnoxious. It's one of these things, this character is

talking about the entire movie. Oh, after this one, I'm going to retire. I'm going to buy a villa in Greece. And what's hilarious though, is like, he sits down and he's like, oh, I just have to sit for a minute. There's a plane coming in two hours to take me to Athens, Indy. And the guy's

like, yeah, okay, I guess just sit down. It's fine. And he's like, the guy says, like, well, maybe you could come visit me. Bring your girlfriend. And the guy's like, yeah. Yeah, maybe maybe we'll come visit you. Assuming we don't break up right now, which we definitely will.

And assuming I give more than half a shit about you and whether you live or die. Well, the weird thing is, here's the problem. So they do the deal, whatever. They get a million dollars or something. It was each painting for a million dollars. He's like, well, you only got me half. He's like, well, you know, Gary Busey's got to go find him. She's like, I'll do that.

Yeah, she says, like, where's the other painting? And he's like, you'll have to ask Gary Busey the next time you see him. And so he gets a million dollars, and he gives it. Just in a bag. And he gives it to What's his face? He gives it to John Rees Davies And he's like

It's great because John Rees Davis Like well I think you're You're entitled to half of this Huh? And he refuses it Which doesn't make the money It doesn't make any fucking sense You've been in debt to the mafia

You've done all this shit Someone offers you $500,000 And he says like It wouldn't be right It's like dude what did you fucking get in this for then This is the whole thing

You're doing this Because you didn't have $40,000 laying around. So Sala gives him his solid gold necklace or whatever. Instead, he's like, don't sell it for under $50,000 or something. Yeah, or whatever. And because the guy says, like, it wouldn't be right because it's stolen money. So then Sala's like, well, take this medal.

It's the only thing in my life I never stole. I stole all that pornography I was talking about. Oh, by the way, go to my house. There's a lockbox. Two, three, four, five. That's the, uh, that's the past. code and you'll find shit that'll turn your hair white. By the way,

go to my house and burn it to the ground. Do me a favor. Oh, you know, yeah, burn it to the ground. If you hear any screams, don't worry about it. Just keep on a walking. He actually tells him, like, the address, like he's super serious about this. No, seriously, burn

it to the ground. And turn your hair white. Have a kick for me. Well, the best part about this is he goes, he's like, well, what about your back. He said, oh, don't worry anything. He said a pillbox. I've got Dr. Chin's magic pills. Indiana Jones and Dr. Chin's magic pills, by the way. That's the sequel I want.

There's going to be... There's going to be a whole lot of racism in that story. Guaranteed. If Steven Spielberg's touching it. So, you know, whatever. He's like, all right, well, nice knowing you, Sala. Thanks for the medallion. You should I get interested you in $500,000? one more time because may I remind you, Indy, I'm bleeding to death internally while I sit

here. Speaking of which, he sits down, he dies. It's a real one-to-punch. As hits the seat, heart stops. And like, you know, the camera starts to, you know, pan up a little bit. It's kind of, kind of artful. And some little snotty kids like,

yeah, what's this gross bag? Throw it in the garbage. There goes your money. Because, no, you know what that is, dude? Oh, I know. That's a clever screenwriter right there. And then a child, a nameless child, enters the frame, picks up the bag, looks at it.

Well, it's just a bag. It's not a bag with a dollar sign on it. It's not a suitcase, man. It's just a bag. Right, man. He takes this bag and he just throws it in the garbage. And you know what, man? No one's going to ever find out about that money.

Everything they did was for nothing, man. I'm a fucking genius man. Let's be applauding and snaps. That was Quentin Tarantino, Jr. I mean, again, it's just terrible. It's just a bad indie 90s crime caper. And like, why wouldn't you take the money? I'm sorry.

I really cannot get a money. It's found money. You've done the crime. Do the money. But I want to see the scene where they get home from the airport. And this fucking loser is just still sitting there like, so hey guys, did you have a good trip to the airport? airport or what? Did you

solve all my problems? Because I'm solving my own problems right now with a couple of tabs of sweet, sweet acid. Yeah, yeah, here's this gold necklace and then you get stolen by Roger Klotz. Yeah, exactly. Nice one, funny.

And he takes it. Oh, no, not again. Now there has to be a canvas, too, don't you know? I'm still in debt to the mafia. And, uh, hey guys, you notice anything different about me? Yeah, I don't have any thumbs anymore. They came.

When you were gone so long, they got impatient, don't you know? Yeah, that's worth reminding everyone. They are still in debt to the mafia. They only paid off 10 grand. Yeah, they have 30 grand left. That's a couple of arms and legs. And the Vig, I mean, I'm sorry. And, like, you know, in force...

There's definitely a Vig in this situation. In three days, it's $35,000. So, like, really, the profitability here... And where the fuck are you getting $45 grand for a medallion? Do you know where to sell a medallion? and Eric? I don't. The Diamond District, maybe? If in fact this movie takes place of Manhattan

and you can find a Diamond District. I don't know if Montreal has one. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. You know what? A medallion that smells like a John Reese Davies, by the way. It's been around my neck for 40 years, Indy. This is greasy. We can't do anything with this. Get out of here. But that's the other thing. It's like, this guy,

what's bullshit is just because J.R.D. saves this dude's life at the end of this movie. All of a sudden, they're best buds and he fucking loves this guy whatever. You don't know anything about this fat old man. He's a fucking lying, cheating professional thief. He could

still just be, you know, screwing you out of how much money. Yeah. Exactly. It's made at a tin. Take the million dollars. And the only reason he doesn't is because this screenwriter thought it would be more clever for a faceless kid to throw it in the garbage. It'd be great if like, you know,

he's like, oh, what a noble man. Here, take my medallion, and he leaves, and he sits down and he dies. And the guy And I was just like, three, two. And it goes back, he takes it back. I knew he was going to die. Like, he's, he really looked at Dead's Door. Now I got the whole million.

And, you know, because this is, this is, it's an art crime film, right? And not art because they deal in the art world. It's an artistically thought about and written and filmed movie. But so, it's like, John Reese Davies is dead and there's this overhead shot. And it's like, we're going to back up a little bit. We're going to back up a little bit more. And then we're just going to fade out. out. Extreme to the extreme. Got a turbo on your bike. And that dumbass fucking fart rap

song starts again. I'm like, you just artistically faded out on this dead anti-hero thief guy. Where are the violins? I don't care. Some guy's telling me about he's got turbo on his bites. I want to hear about that now. Oh, that's from my rap album to the extreme. I'm the living dream. That's where he's wearing that giant golden clock. I'm a hype man in public enemy. Oh shit, here it comes. I'm feta flame. Man, I would love John Rice Davis to be the fucking hype man of my rap outfit.

Because he'll hype people up, man. Oh, he'll get everything going. But he can only work for like the first five minutes of the set. And then he's just got to go sit down. Yeah, a big fat guy exhale. And then he dies. He dies. where he sits down after hyping you up when that kid by the way like the moment after he throws the bag in the garbage like the mother comes up and she's like jimmy we have to go ew a dead man and he's like ew get away from that fat dead corpse it's ridiculous it's insane

and that's the end of the movie we never find out what happens to this idiot little brother paul haman never comes back i think the idea is like oh they got the medallion that's going to work out They paid back the mob. They got a little something extra for themselves. End of the story. Everyone's happy. But that doesn't make any. I know, but that doesn't make any sense.

Because you can't just talk things unless you, I don't know. It's, I mean. I could have used a Gary Bucy funeral. Oh, yeah. We're like,

it's like the art community. Yeah. It's come out to mourn the greatest art dealer, Montreal's ever seen. He was supposed to be one of the best. Yeah. I mean, he said that.

You're supposed to be one of the best. Would anybody, recommend canvass? I wouldn't. It's a bit dry for my taste. It's a bit slow. There's no cool superaction. Like, if I want a 90s crazy artistic caper, I want like cool colors, like a bad killing Zoe kind of a shitty movie. There's a lot of bad colors and killing Zoe. A squat. Is that, no, I'm saying it wrong. Basquiat. There we go. Spasquart. What? I thought it was chocolate syrup. like, you know, like cool music, you know, good, it just doesn't fit any of those molds and

there's no good action. I love sitting down with Reese Davies for almost two hours, but not that much. No. I actually, I would recommend it. It's not hard recommend. It's a soft recommend. Uh-huh. Because it's, it's just pretty dumb as we've gone through it. And it's just just seeing two cinemas heavyweight, scary, beauty and, and, uh, and, uh, soft. And, uh, go up against each other and stuff and then all the Canadian talk I mean you know I mean don't don't stop what you're doing but if you find yourself in the position sure I mean I would say it's not a recommend but like if you are really curious into checking out a huge train wreck nothing about this movie works the biggest problem with this movie is there's not enough

Gary Busey no like it's that it's the the chattering teeth countdown clock we talk yeah that's the problem with every movie though that's you know it's the problem with gravity with 12 years of slave with telomina there's just no gary busy in any of these movies and somehow they're getting nominated for awards get out of town i don't get it either mean but i mean he is the the absolute best part of this movie because like we said he gives 110% everything he does and it's i i personally don't think it's worth it but i mean these two brothers are the worst actors i've ever seen it's just everyone's the worst actor i've ever seen it's really phenomenal. It's like an art

movie where they're making like anti-art or something. Oh, that's the point, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. Now it's brilliant. Yeah, it's a hard recommend now. It just got it, but it went from soft to hard. That sounds like bullshit, indeed. Hey, I don't need this. I got porno movies

at home. That's Canvas from 1992, directed by Alan Zillum, if you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about the show. Check out the website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook. And follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast. Subscribe to this show

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on screen, animation, damnation. They're all there and ready for the taking. Clue for next week. Damien Lewis. Damien Lewis. Homelands Damien Lewis. That's the clue for next week. Until then, I'm

Andrew Jupin. Stephen Say that. Eric Siski. Take it easy.