We Hate Movies - S4 Ep149: Dreamcatcher

Episode Date: March 18, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang heads back to snowy Maine with Thomas Jane and Jason Lee in the fart filled, Stephen King adaptation, Dreamcatcher! Really, what is with all the farting? Was Stephen King just recycling all his old ideas to make one super-sized Stephen King novel? And why does the military have to get involved? Plus: Wilford Brimley accidentally votes Carter in '76. Dreamcatcher stars Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant, Morgan Freeman, Donnie Wahlberg and the Unemployable Tom Sizemore; directed by Lawrence Kasdan. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

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Mums offer in-store only. Selection varies by location while supplies last. More terms and restrictions apply. See Lose.com slash rebates for details. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to our fine little program, come in, take a seat. We got a fine show for you today. It's going to open a beverage here. Everybody's everybody's getting liquefied for 2003's Dreamcatcher, directed by Lawrence Kasden.

Well, that's what the, you know, I'm just in the spirit of the movie right now, because it's just about buddies hanging out, drinking beers, tell an old story. We are recording this episode in a cabin in the woods. And we're also sharing our magical powers with one another. yeah a little known thing we don't bring it up very often but we all have a telekinesis it's fantastic i'm gonna share my little magical powers with you eric that could mean all sorts of things from from telepathy to exposing myself well hey eric you're asleep i'm gonna show you my magic powers guys no no i'm on my first beer give me a little time how is that beer you're drinking by the way uh you know it's all right it's a miller what

It's got a big old spade on it. It's a Miller fortune. Fortune. This is new. This is, welcome to beer reviews. Anything I can to get us not talking about this reason, man. I honestly think they just put Miller in a goddamn different can and was like, here, yay, here. You fell for it, sir.

That's what happened. Yeah, they got my $2. So, Dream Catcher, it's a Stephen King adaptation. This is our fourth go-around with a Stephen King adaptation. This is the kingest of them all, I think. Out of all, like, Silver Bullet was Maine, and there was some werewolves. Running Man was the Richard Bachman pseudonym. Yeah.

Katzai was pretty Stephen Kingish, you know, but we weren't in Maine, which is a big problem. This one, we're fucking full on in Maine. Oh, absolutely. We're in Maine with Thomas Jane, baby, and that's where you want to be with the Stephen King adaptation. Speaking of Thomas Jane, and this could. probably get us started off in the direction we should go. I saw this movie in the theater when it came out in 2003. Pretty sure I was alone. And until last night when I watched this movie for only the second time, like before last night, right, if you had put a gun to my head and you

were like, Andrew, is Aaron Eckhart in this movie? I would have said 100% yes, but it's Thomas Jane. And what this movie is, it's just, it should be called four. plain looking white dudes. You know what you just said that? And I was just like, oh, my God, was Aaron Eckhart in this movie? Did I miss Aaron Eckhart? Because I don't know. He's a blink and you miss him kind of guy.

Oh, by the way, fellas, 6.9% alcohol. Oh, that's the fortune. That's what it is. Oh, yeah. You just struck gold now. Plenty of riches in that can. But, yeah, I mean, it's very, it's very, these are the most confusable actors in history.

They've all kind of carved out a bit more of a niche for themselves, especially Timothy Oliphant. Oh, yeah. So the cast is Timothy Oliphant, Thomas Jane, Damien Lewis, and Scientology's Jason Lee. Formerly Kevin Smith's Jason Lee. He had to switch religion. Oh, man, I don't know how that will go down at the secret stash. It would not go down well. You know what?

I can almost guarantee you he hasn't thought about this secret. secret stash in a long time. I'm just going to put that out there. No, you're right. So they're all buddies. It's like, there's like some standby me flashbacks. They all have secret telekinetic powers. Yeah, they're all talking to each other, like through their mind phone, where there's quite

literally a mind phone later in the movie, by the way. Oh, man. Get to that phone. But, you know, they've all grown up having these powers, and they've all been gifted these powers by this unseen character. We only know as Duddits until the end of the film when we see, we see Duttits. Well, we see him as a child. Well, yeah, yeah.

We see him as a little kid. He's a little red-headed fella. And he, for some reason, has all sorts of gifted powers. You don't really know why. But he gifts them with telekinesis so they can read each other stuff. He teaches them all the dream catch. Is that, are we dream catching in this movie? I think we're dream catching.

Catchets of dreams? I mean. Is it thought catching? It's horseshit is what it is. And there's the big dream catcher moment at the end of the movie, which we'll get to. And aside from them making dream catchers, it's the only other time a dream catcher's brought up. It bothers me because it's one of those movies or one of these stories, you know, where it's like, it's called dream catcher. This movie has nothing to do with dreams.

No one has a dream in this entire movie. It might as well be called horseshit traps. Can I tell you guys something? When this movie was coming out, and I didn't pay it a lot of attention to it. I didn't go see it. I didn't see it until the other day when I watched it for this.

Nice. But I had always thought, I was always one of the impression that this movie was about. Stard Aaron Eckhart? Yes. Up against, instead of aliens,

he was up against ghosts. Oh, you thought it was ghosts? I thought it was ghosts because it's like a dream catcher, like, oh, you know, native spirits unrest or something. Were you confusing it with that Michael Keaton movie White Noise?

No, I wasn't. I knew white noise and that might be a stay tuned but yeah I think you're right though the trailer because I remember I was super into this is like 2003 I was in college I was using a I was using Kazah to download a movie oh shit that's it man fed's gonna knock down your door tomorrow it took me three and a half weeks to get and six try I'm not even kidding you like literally day and I would wake up in the middle of two o'clock at the morning like before I close my last I think dream catcher should be done oh fuck it And meanwhile, I'm telling, I'm like, Steve, just give up.

It's not that good of a movie. No, man, it's great. I'm downloading movies from the internet. No, that was the last time I learned my lesson. That was your own dream catch. That's my dream catcher. But into the trailer, it did have a ghostly feel. Like, it was like a cabin in the woods.

Old friends get together and mystical shit happens. But instead, it's aliens. It's called Dreamcatcher. That has like a connotation to Earth. Yeah, something based on Earth. dream catcher right you know native americans made dream catchers they're all about spirits and whatnot i'm expecting ghosts man they're right they should have just named it musket why not what else does it make sense how about blanket oh man's stephen king's blanket this was dudditz blanket

he used to dream catch in his head when he ever well i guess he wouldn't dream catch i guess he'd blanket log cabin would be a better title for this movie yeah it would be so can we go through the For, because this movie, here's the thing, the trajectory of this movie is we're going to take a lot of time building up all of these characters. They're in idiosyncratic relationship. Rich backstory. It's a real tapestry. And then half of them get killed inconsequentially in like five seconds. And it's like, oh, okay.

And then Morgan Freeman shows up in a helicopter. You're like, it's a different movie. But so we meet Tom Jane. He's a psychiatrist. And he kind of, all these, all four of these guys are really bad. hiding their magic powers their mystical powers it's like walking around with your thing out like they're making they're making no attempt whatsoever to cover up that they have gifts it's a lot of like oh can i help you with that psychic power like it's like when someone calls me out like what are you

a psychic and they're like maybe there's a lot of walking to this street like what did you say is like no i was just thinking can you read my mind like maybe so thomas jane's patient is this is this Beast gentleman. He's a real corpulent fella. And he's just going on and on about Carl's Jr. and the family legacy behind that fast food franchise? Because you know what? That's what fat people do. They just dream about fast food legacies. That's your first line of your movie. You know why, though? Because this is a, we're in Stephen Kingland, man. And as much as the, you know, the guy has given the world a lot of great stories, you know, that we'll cherish forever. He's really bad at writing dialogue most of the time. So he didn't write this screenplay,

but when you're transcribing Stephen King, you get those, it's the quirky bit-p-p-pa, you know what I mean? And it's like, that's what this is. And we start off and it's like, well, I don't know, Carl Jr. How could you ever live up to Carl Sr.? I don't care, fat guy, it's not funny,

it's not cute, it's not amusing, it's not entertaining. And in about an hour, aliens are going to come out of people's asshole. So let's maybe get to that. Let's maybe fucking speed this up a bit. Also, I kind of forget, but where does Thomas Jane live in this is in California? He says Boston.

He says Boston later on. Yeah. Try finding a fucking Carl's Jr. in Boston. It's a little run you're right out of town. Yeah, what is that? Like southwest? It's out in the west, man. West coast. Maybe that's just a bunch of holly weird trying to, trying to make it seem like, yeah, you don't know

Jack about the East. So he's a bad psychiatrist and a bad guy hiding telepathic powers because he's like, well, it's not your fault. You killed your mother. You know, she was always giving you trouble. And he's like, wait, how do you know that? How do you know that?

I said, uh, uh, maybe. And then in the worst part of this entire scene, this guy is so disgusted and he feels violated and whatever. And he gets him, oh, well, that's the last time you're going to get a dime out of my copay. And he gets to stand up from the couch and the couch collapses. Oh, do you get it? Look how fat this guy is. He also, he even tells him like, and now you're just trying to eat yourself to death.

He's like, you shouldn't blame yourself for your mother. death and try to eat yourself to death. Wait, wait, what? And this guy's so insulted because clearly he's just eating a lot. I'm not going to eat myself to death. This is ridiculous. What an outrageous claim. Couch breaks.

Like, I don't think, like, maybe you should say you're overreating to compensate for this, that, the other thing, but you're going to eat yourself. It's like, what you call it? In Christmas story, you're going to shoot your eye out. You'll shoot your eye out, kid. You'll eat yourself to death, kid. But that kid's just a dumb kid. guy is clearly morbidly obese and that's the last

thing the morbidly obese want to hear from a doctor that's not a not a medical doctor so I mean this guy runs you know runs out and then we're just left with Jane hanging out at his office contemplating suicide with a gun to his head. Super contemplating suicide that gun goes off

how are you Thomas Jane A you look like Thomas Jane you're waking up every morning with like Thomas Jane and you have psychic powers and you can't make that shit work and you got a fucking PhD Seriously, dude. It's a fucking triple threat.

Yeah, you're doing okay. He's doing okay. And he's got mind power. Yeah, you could, you could fucking rule the world. You really could. All the Boston, round your finger. Now, but why, what are we thinking for the suicide motivation? He's a lonely dude?

I think he's because, like, oh, you know, these powers are ruining my life, you know. Right. It's a real, you know, the crown hangs heavy, right? Because it's like, you can't be in a relationship with somebody. you're constantly hearing their thoughts you know I'm sure that gets hard and he's only he's a psychiatrist because he just read people's minds like he's a sham

he doesn't even he's not even he's not anything he's just using his dream catching oh do you think he's a fraudulent psychiatrist that would be a nice turn I mean obviously like you could be like oh I'm going to think about what Freud and Young would say here or I can just read the guy's mind I just give him some advice like

you know don't eat yourself to death and he's kind of like Charles Xaviering things like the degree on his wall doesn't say anything it just says fuck you but when you read it he's controlling your mind and it says Harvard yes first of his class I think he might be I think that's what's going on and that's why he shoots it with the gun

yeah yeah because instead of shooting his brains out he shoots his diploma so we then have Damien Lewis who's a psychic college professor is he a terrorist in this movie or no no he's not a terrorist no not a terrorist okay we're sure that we're 100% sure he's not a terrorist is it is it a will they won't they terrorism

it's will they want terrorism with a splash of maybe in the sequel Homelands Damien Lewis He's an English professor He's a psychic English professor We can't forget that he's a psychic And he's calling this kid in

Who cheated on an exam And he's like, you know You could lose your scholarship For cheating on a test And the kid's like sweating it out You know And he's like tearing it up Into a bunch of pieces like

But you weren't there that day were you you were sick you missed the test so wipe me a 3 000 word essay he lets him slip by because he's got old shoes on thusly he's poor yeah he's on scholarship oh yeah i guess that too that means he's like he's like you know he says like you're from wherever he's from main mud he's from the same area oh is that's why he's going on oh that's why he feels bad yeah davian lewis is like it's a better better place to uh come from than go back to yeah and then he's like oh okay how did you know it's like well i can read your mind i mean i i know fuck oh shit i always say that i oh my instant my instant reaction is to tell people that i can read their

mind and i really got to get better at that let me just say maybe man damien lewis's husky american accent oh it's so awesome it's like you went to the uh the hugh lorry school of acting like it's just like he has just a very like regular british voice but when he's doing an American voice he has to talk like Batman all Americans talk like Batman. Oh Batman's going to find out what's wrong with you in this

hospital. It was. That's what that show was about. Did anybody watch that show Life with Damien Lewis? Was that what it was called where he was like a dude who got out of jail for some reason and now I'm working with the police. I was in

for life. Now I'm making the most out of my life. You ever see that show white collar? It's a bunch of horse shit. I did it first. Third, we've got justified. There you go. We've got good old justified being justified.

He's a sleazy car salesman. Some babe comes in. She's like, oh, my God, I lost my keys. Can you make me more keys? And he's like, you know, I could just probably read your mind and find out where he left those keys. Well, yeah, he's like, I'll help you retrace your steps. And he goes all around this area with there. And he's like, well, then when you did, what you did here is like you moved your purse

and then you put your cola in your other hand. And that's probably where you drop. And he reaches down into a puddle, like an impossible pothole, and grabs out the keys. And he's like, how about dinner now? Well, though, he says before, he's like, now if I can, like right before he knows exactly the keys. I was like, if I could help you find your keys, maybe, you know, you know, then I owe you dinner. And you got to meet me for the best clams in May. A nice hot dish of main clams, huh?

And this is the best acting in the movie. She's just like, okay. And she just goes in a car, talk to you later. He's like, see you at 8. He's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And I think then he reads her mind as she drives off because he has some line about like, uh, like as the car drives away, he's like, it's just clams or something. Like she already thought in her head, fuck that guy.

Yeah, exactly. Just like kept driving. All these guys can read minds. Why are they this bad at? And they're all handsome. They're all incredibly handsome gentlemen. They're impossibly handsome. There's no way that that many handsome people hung out with each other.

And no one's getting late. Well, that's the thing, man. From the second one of this movie, hunkomania runs wild on you. And you're just like, how are these guys not, like, knee-deep in it right now? What do you do it? We're assembling a super team of psychic hunks. It's like they're going around getting all their hunks together.

It's like the Avengers. If they're all just psychic thores. Yeah. That's all that's happening. You know what? This movie makes sense if you cast like Ricky Jay and... Come on. Help me out of here.

Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold. John Larrakats. Probably buddies with them. Maybe like a really bad John Lithgow. Then it's like, oh, okay, these guys really have a rough middle age here. And Danny DeVito has done it. I duddits.

Well, Danny DeVito kind of returning to his one flu over the cuckoo's nests. He did all that research, you know? It never goes away. So much research. Yeah, it stays with you, doesn't it? And then, I mean, Jason Lee's just in a bar and he's drinking, like, he's kind of coolly drinking whiskey through his tooth pick, by the way. He loves toothpicks in case you're one. There you go.

Character set up. There's a quirk. He loves toothpicks. Yeah, it's the old, like, I have a toothpick. in my mouth and I'm so cool that I want to then drink this glass of whiskey I got like a couple of fingers of whiskey that I want to go through but I'm too

cool to take the toothpick out so I will put the toothpick into the whiskey and then sip it man you swallow a toothpick you're dead in like an hour that's a true thing maybe all these guys want to kill themselves maybe that's the idea I mean yeah probably yeah I just really

want that suicide train to come speaking of suicide train Damien Lewis gets hit by a car Real bad. Oh, it's bad. And it's not just bad for him. It's bad for his cartoon. It's bad for the cartoon that he morphs into.

Oh, man, it's so bad. Dude, two superpowers now. When trouble comes, he can morph into a CGI character. I'm a mind-reading cartoon. What are you? You're nothing. Oh, my God. Listen, I'm going to turn into a cartoon

and infiltrate Abu Nazir's regime. There's nothing you can do to stop me. This needs to be a TV show. This needs to be a TV show. He's free now from that contract. He can do all sorts of psychic cartoons. Cartoon terrorist hunter. Point of backstory here.

Stephen King wrote this as a response to his own horrific car accident. This is around the time horrific car accidents show up a lot in Stephen King's stories. Is this one he got his special powers? Yes, that's what he got his mind. Oh, okay, yeah. He also befriended a mentally challenged kid that gave him mind powers too at the same time.

Yeah, so Damien Lewis. Busy summer for him. He walks out into that intersection and apparently he thought he saw Duttits, the kid, all beaten and bruised and nude. In kid form. Yeah, go and go, oh, come come into the street and get hit by her car. Like, even if you did see him. Yeah, exactly. Why are you going to, why are you walking your ass oncoming traffic?

Hey, Dad, it's wait a second. Don't go anywhere. I'm going to walk over to this crosswalk and then wait until the light changes. So I don't die. Start yelling like, stay right there. Yeah. Be right there. Maybe you're just so cash with your mind powers at this point.

You're not looking both ways anymore. Like, oh, I'll just hear people's minds coming at me. Yeah. I can sense the minds coming out. And there's so many minds driving by in those cars. So all of his thoughts are just all that gobbly gook, like all that. Dude, you got to be like Daredevil and you have to learn how to tune that out. and just like focus on one thing.

You'd think after more than 30 years on this earth, you could probably figure this out. Yeah, learn how to adjust your gift accordingly. I'll tell you one thing. I could do it. I don't think I'd ever get bored of reading people's mind without their permission. I don't think I'd ever get bored of it.

No, you know what? Here's where it would get frustrating, though, because you'd see a lot of like, look at that fucking creep. Like, do like a real number on yourself esteem. Well, yeah, because that don't look like Damien Lewis. That's a real problem for me. You know, if you could read my mind,

we wouldn't be friends anymore. Probably not There's some real chestnuts up here Some real things you wouldn't even put on the internet Oh no So Damien Lewis dies and is brought back Through the magic of CPR And you know it's really important that he does

Then we flashed six months later This was a half hour of this movie Was this four these four vignettes A Day in the Life of our fucking duddits The four psychics And also by the way That car accident six months?

That's it? Six months and no wheelchair. Yeah, okay. Jason Lee's really like, oh, Jonesy, you're hip. Oh, you're hip, Jonesy. No. Jonesy, oh, Jonesy, you're fake leg. Yeah, exactly.

I thought maybe Damien Lewis just started to, like, act with a limp for the rest of the movie. It was like, it's a character choice. You figure it out now. Go back and put it in. I don't care. Oh, great. Now we have to make a cartoon of them get hit by a car.

Perfect. by the way this is and let me let me see if you guys got this feel too because with like the military and the location everything like that this is like a real f grade the thing right yeah that's why i thought i was gonna like this movie why i wasted three weeks downloading i was like oh it's it's the woods you know what i mean who can you trust kind of a deal can i just bring us back to that kazah story for a second because isn't the button on the whole story that it didn't even work no it didn't work like two or the three times eventually i got oh you eventually got the full file and then you were able to watch it on your shitty laptop yeah okay i thought the whole thing was you were like finally 100% and then it just it was like pornogical like secret pornography or something and then i stole a car and then stole an old lady's purse and then killed a baby oh that's weird yeah uh yeah so we're going on this this trip to the cabin in the woods they do it every year apparently camp Pulling the wall, man. Oh, man.

Oh, isn't that funny? Fuck me, Fred. Can we talk about Jason Lee's performance for a second? Sure. It's the middle of this movie. Yeah. His name is Beaver. He's a grown man named Beaver. Oh, hey, beaver. And you know, here's the thing, though. If my nickname was Beaver, by the way, you're calling me the full Beaver. I don't want to hear Beave once. And they're like, Beave, get over here, Beave. What are you doing? I'd be like, you know what? Damien Lewis, it's Beaver. Okay. Yeah, I know what a beaver is. Just fucking call me Bieber.

I knew you guys would get on this. I knew you guys would get on this, but I actually know Beaver. Do you really? I have an Uncle Beaver. Oh, really? Are you calling him Uncle Beave, though? No, I'm not, I'm calling him Uncle Beaver. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. And it's also, it's one of those things where it's like, where that name comes. It's like, I think he was like nicknamed after the television program. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of other stuff. And sometimes it sticks. Yeah.

Do you mean, Steve, do you mean to say that Eric's uncle is, isn't nicknamed after a vagina? Probably not. Did everybody else catch that? Steve just went, we're not named after that other stuff. Wow. Which is a vagina or the animal, I guess.

Maybe he had a big buck teeth. Just be glad I can't dream catch you. Yeah. I'm glad I can't dream catch you. You give me a dirty look right now. I can't even imagine what you're thinking. So about this time we cut to 20 years earlier. Yeah.

Because why not, right? We're just jumping all over time in this movie. By me now. Now we're going to stand by me. It is. It basically, now that you say, they kind of are stand by me because little beavers got his glasses on, just like little Corey Feldman. You're right. Yeah, no, they look exactly like him.

There's no fat kid, though. There isn't a fat kid. One of those guys should have been a fat kid. Well, no, because he has to grow up to be one of these four fucking Amazons, male Amazon. So, I'm going to change that fat kid into a, I don't know, what's like fat, mentally challenged. I'm Stephen King Clickety clack

That's about his little typewriter Clickety clack on my old typewriter So they're walking I believe on train tracks They're really just doing this They're coming from a pie eating contest Oh I can't have them find a dead body again They find a mentally challenged boy

And then they're chased by a psychotic clown Oh no that's a problem Oh, I've already done psychotic clown. Right. They find a haunted hotel. Nope. I'll get it. Oh, wait.

There's an evil car. No. Evil dot. Nope. Maybe all the cars come to life. There's a big Mac truck that rules them up. No. Oh, gee, Stephen, you really just wrote yourself into a corner.

Can a comet fly by? Well, you know what? No matter what they'll have mental powers. I'll write that first. It's cool. Establish the mental powers. The rest of it writes itself. Click and he clack.

Three out of five people in Stephen King's Maine have telekinetic powers. Absolutely. There's a lot of shining going on all over the place. It's the most supernatural state in the union. During the revolution, they had all the Mainers come down to do like piromancy on the British fleet. Because why not? Yeah, sure. Stephen King, I just fucking wrote your next novel.

And maybe the pyromansers. I own an evil cot, no. An evil carriage. Maybe they bury a kid and a pets. No, oh, dang it. So they're walking. And instead of trying to find a dead body, they're trying to find there's like an old warehouse

where supposedly there's a picture of the prom queen in full frontal nudity that they want to go check out. And it's what, and again, this is obnoxious Stephen King dialogue too, right? Where you've got like younger kids and they're all like, pussy this and pussy that you're just like man i get it like they're little like preteen boys or whatever but just stop i don't need to hear that from children and the worst part about it is is like i was saying before is all the jason lee bullshit calling fuck me freddie and oh man like you know bank it on a bus stop touch my bender and when he's 40 years old he's still saying this

shit it's really i mean he's clearly the friend that did not grow up that's why he's the one that's at a bar. We don't know what his job is. No, we don't. He's the only one who's not seen at work. Because he's just a shitty townie. Yeah. You know what? We didn't see when he's in that bar? It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon. That's what we didn't

see. And he's saying, hey, to red. Oh, and his best friend is red. Nope. Damn it. Did it again. So, so they're on this adventure and they hear a scuffle. And that's when they come across. Duddits, who's a

mentally challenged kid, who's getting picked on by some bullies from, like, the next school over or whatever. And they're trying to make him eat dog shit. Isn't that fantastic? He's naked or he's half-knit. He's pretty much naked. They strip him down to his underwear and then make him eat dog shit. And what?

That's hilarious, right, guys? Who knows what else? Oh, yeah, yeah. And now these kids are confronting the bullies here, and the bullies are telling them to back off. They're like maybe a year or two older and tell them to take a hike. Hey, take a hike. which is actually convenient since they're in the woods. All right, I will.

But, like, they say, like, oh, you know what? This, this kid's going to outrun all you because he's blah, blah, blah, blah, the famous track runner of the school. Like, oh, no, not beaver. And he's going to tell everyone what you do. And, like, just like plainly, like, up the ante. This kid, this mentally challenged boy is found naked with these older boys. Go tell everyone that he's getting dittled. Yeah.

Like, honestly, tell them you're going to say that you're dittling this kid out there. Because guess what? That'll turn the situation around. Oh, yeah. And you know what? You are not on the football team anymore. You're not on a lot of things. That's for sure.

You're not walking around free anymore. You're getting 80% less Christmas cards this year than you got last year. And, I mean, the weird thing about it is, is like, they form this bond with this mentally challenged kid. And he's got, like, a cute way of talking. It's not even like how actually mentally challenged people talk. It's like he mispronounces every single word and can't do consonants very well. I mean, it's, yeah, it's weird. I don't know the legitimacy level of what this actor is doing here.

I don't think a lot of research whether this little kid or Donnie Wahlberg. Oh, stay tuned for that. You know, it's a totally different type of mental issue. He's got too much magic in his head. Oh, that's the problem. It's like, yeah, it's apples and oranges, Steve. It suppresses the consonants. But they love this guy and they like kind of make him their mascot.

They're like, oh, man, the Dudmeister, Duditz. And they're like, even when they become older, like, oh, man, I wish Duditz was here. You know what Duditz is doing this whole fucking movie, waiting at his mom's house for these guys to pick him up? And they haven't seen him in 20 years. Well, I don't think it's 20 years. Because they mention, like, before Tom Jane gets hit by that car, or Damien Lewis gets hit by that car, there's a lot of like, oh, oh, hey man, this weekend we should go see Duddits. And they're like, oh, yeah, it's been a while.

Like, I think they kind of do visit him a little bit. But I think it's like after that car accident, they were like, oh, man, we got no time for Duddits now. We got to let Jonesy, you know, heal up for the big camping trip. You know what? Why don't you take Dutts on that camping trip? He would love it. He would absolutely love it as opposed to just sitting at home with his, his mom would love it too. His mom would be like, fucking, well, a weekend alone.

Yeah. Maybe he'd get out there and start having. flashbacks to that dog shit dog shit escapade it's just weird because they kind of treat this guy and I saw this in my high school and I feel like a lot of the sort of

borderline autistic kid that people make a mascot yeah that's a lot of this it's kind of cruel in one way or another you know they can't just be normal they can't just be treated regularly they're not an equal footed friend because it's because it's like teenagers and preteens

and stuff and they're all horrible monsters that you know they're they're saying like yeah done it's do it yeah he's the greatest right but you're actually like being kind of flippant about it and it's fucking obnoxious i know exactly what you're talking and you're making fun not being like oh it's done it's like ubi doby do where are you that's how he says it right they're all like laughing and high-fiving oh man he can't say scooby-doo right oh yeah and the and of course the guy the the subject doesn't know much better he just appreciates the attention but you're kind of a dick bag yeah Yeah, no, it's, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Right. And they're also making themselves feel great for actually talking. Oh, yeah, exactly. High five. There's a great book, a graphic novel called My Friend Dahmer. It's all about Jeffrey Dahmer being in high school. And he was that guy. He was all the duddits? Yeah, he was the duddits and all these guys, like, we're like, the point of view of the writer was one of these dudes that was like, oh, man, let's see what Dommer's up to you. Oh, like, oh, Dommer's got so many problems.

Hey, bro, I'm going to get magic powers out of this Dahmer kid. Yeah, I don't think Jeff Dahmer gave them delicate pieces. Dude, I was talking to Dahmer, and he told me that if I wanted to read mines, I had to let him put my dick in the refrigerator. And he taught me how to make a zombie out of male prostitute, bro. He said he wants to grow up to work in a chocolate factory. Isn't that hilarious, Domer? Oh, Tommy.

They had me and Domer were totally hanging out with these chicks, and then he kind of looking at these small, effeminate Filipino dudes. And I was like, Domer, you're weird. But, you know, this is Domber. I love him. He's fucking great. They make him, like, win Prom King. Oh, you did it, Domber!

It's pretty much what it is. It's a really great book. My friend Dahmer, check it out. So we're in the woods, and everybody's kind of doing their own thing, sort of settling in. And we split off into two halves here before we get to dinner. So we've got Damien Lewis and Tom Jane are outside, like getting firewood and whatnot. and then Olifant and Jason Lee are inside and we're just treated because it's 2003 and this book was, you know, a few years before it, it's just a whole scene talking about how great Viagra is. And it's like, it's kind of like, only fans making fun of Jason Lee for like sleeping with like, you know, like ugly women or something and they're busting his balls about that.

It's like, man, you just pop that little pill. You'll be stiff for 12 hours, man. And you're just like, oh my God. what else is in the news yeah we'll talk about 9-11 next exactly it's just like oh man do you remember viagra man oh those were the days it was it was the prozac jokes had dried up and now it's time to insert giant viagra and they were everywhere there's like i don't know why i always think of to this but there's an episode of mad about you where paul riser takes a viagra really yeah and he has like a well do you see it man no he doesn't whip it out dude but

what does happen is he's got some uh it's a strange movie for NBC. Paul Reiser whipped in it. But that's Must E TV right there. It was like pixelated, but it was still just waggling around. No, but he, one of the side effects is like you can cut your vision kind of gets tinted blue. So the gag is like he's just seeing blue man and cousin Paul. He's like, oh, or what is it, Cousin Ira?

Cousin I was like, oh, you got to just come over here and sit down, Paul. Oh, do they do blue vision? Is there like a POV? No, I don't think there was Paul Reiser cam. All right. I don't know what's worse. not doing it or doing it. Because now I was going to make fun of

them doing it, but now I kind of want to see it. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough. I lived at home until I was about 25. And for most of it, I didn't have this show

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WHM, which stands for We Hate Movies. And I mean, we have dinner. We're all talking about all sorts of movies. It's very big, chillish. You know, we're not surprising. It was directed by Lawrence Kasdan. We're just sitting around.

And Tom Jane, actually, I think this is where he says that his patient that he taunted, actually, he was like, Tom Jane was like, and then I read the paper, and I saw that that patient I had ate himself today. well you are the psychic shrink you saw it coming what are you pizza the hut how do you eat yourself like you have a heart attack you have like you know what ambellism the obituary is gonna actually say well i don't know the pictures of a fat guy clickety clack ate himself to death well maybe it's like

a dude in seven eats himself to death right like yeah if you just keep putting stuff down there like your stomach could burst or something then you get like internal eating stomach burst i think so man I think that would qualify as eating yourself to death. Okay, so it's a fat guy in Thomas Jane's office. And maybe he, you know, gets so upset he goes to a gypsy. Nope, can't do that. And they're all just like, well, you know, you didn't, you didn't put the food down his throat. But I did rub his face and go, fat there.

Fat there. Eat yourself a duterte. No. Delete that. Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. No. Silly, Stephen. Yeah, it's just one of those things that happens

Where everyone's having a good time And then someone starts to talk about their real life And everyone's like, ew Everyone looks at their watch On this trip and they're like, oh, it's that time and night, huh? Okay, after 11, Guess we're getting deep. Someone's going to start crying.

Jason Lee, get your problems on deck here next. And, I mean, the next day, supernatural shit starts happening. And again, all this stuff about how they all relate to each other Who's with, who likes what and what? and two of them are dead in the next 10 minutes. It's nuts. So we split off into two factions again. So it's Damian Lewis and Jason Lee are out hunting in the forest.

And the other two dudes are they go into town for beers and groceries and stuff like that. And there's some lazy characterization going on here. And I don't know if it's covered any better in the book. But they're driving back from the grocery store. And Tim Oliphant pops a beer and starts drinking it. And like Tom Jane looks at him like, are you kidding me and he's like hey man listen if you think that i'm drinking beers before 11 a.m. every day you got it wrong it's just up here when we're at the cabin yeah he's really quick to tell

tom jane he's not an alcoholic and you're like yeah yeah you're you're working at that car lot no woman would ever talk to you oh even though you're fucking timothy oliphon he's actually kind of pudgier in this yeah actually i was what as i was i was remarked when I saw this I was like he's it's kind of baby Raylan Givens it is he's still got a little baby fat on those cheeks it's before he got carved out of marble you know it's just but it is a weird timidiole event time in his career when he was doing like kind of comedic performances it's before he got into the action mode before deadwood and like stone face like it was doing like go scream to you know like those kinds of like fast talking guy like that uh um by the girl next door yes that's what I was just trying to think Oh, is that the movie where Emil Hirsch wants to date the porn star? Yeah, whatever. Yeah.

That movie was just one big disappointment, huh? Yeah, no, nobody enjoyed that one. I even forgot that Timothy Allo Fan was in that movie. So, uh, Damien Lewis runs afoul, this big heavy guy who's, like, farting in the woods. He's like, are you all right, man? He's like trying to hunt some deer and stuff with this guy. He's just walking around and go, oh, oh, oh,

and he's ripping it. He's, yeah. And the fear are running away. He's about to get a shot off. And then all of a sudden, this guy wanders into his sight. And he's like, oh, fuck. He almost blew this fat guy's fat brains out. Which would have made the movie a lot better because then everybody would have been all right.

Yeah. Everything would have been smooth sailing. But so, you know, we have the second comedic fat guy of the movie. And this guy's wandering around. And he's like, oh, I got lost in the woods or whatever. And Damien Lewis is, like, way kind of overly kind for finding a stranger in the woods. That's just my opinion. Are you okay, buddy?

Oh, hey, why don't you come into our cabin and sleep in my bed? Hey, you can sleep in my bed and eat our food and it'll be totally okay. It's amazing. Come on, come on, come on, get in here. Hey, hey, take that coat off. He like starts undressing him like Jesus. Like, are you going to wash his feet? Yeah, yeah, I was thinking of the same thing.

Look at the same, like, here's the thing. Like, it's a great thing to do. Like, hey, warm up. I'll get you some soup. But like, I'm just going to get this guy in my house and be like, hey, man, you hang out over there. We'll call the cops. You sit on the couch in front of. over the fireplace.

If you take a coat off, it's your own business. Like, I'm not taking it off for you. You make your own decisions here. Whatever you do is fine. I'm not going to take your boots off for you. You know, and yet he's way too accommodating to the stranger.

And I'm like, dude, look at that guy. He's in rough shape. And this guy's just like burping and farting. And he's got like a weird, like, alien belly. Yeah, well, his chest is like humongous at first. And then it moves down to the belly. Oh, I see. And Damien Lewis is just like, oh,

I think you need to lay down. you're, uh, you're protruding. Oh, you're having a real hard time, buddy. Like, he's like, he's got red shit all over. He says, I ate these bad berries. There are so many humungo farts ripping so all over the place. It's so terrible. It's like, man, you know what's not in the thing?

Wilford Brimley just ripping farts all over the place. No one's ripping farts in the thing at all. What's ridiculous, this is, you, this is not played for comedy. No, this is completely, these are sincere farts. Scary farts. These are some spooky farts. Ooh, that fart, that humongous fart. Just put a chill down my spine.

They are some sinister farts, man. And he's like burping too. And like, there's like verping going on. Yeah, he's like almost throwing up. That's when I'm like, hey man, I know it's cold outside. but why don't you wait out on the porch? Yep, exactly. You're making my cabin smell like shit.

It's a fucking timeshare anyway. And it is making it smell like shit, everyone, because Jason Lee shows up and is like, hooie, let's open a window. Oh, there's a sick man here. He doesn't even know. He's like, wow, it smells like farts in here. Jodzie.

And then Damien Lewis is like, look over there on the couch. There's something you should see. It's a guy farting. Oh, no. I think my catheter split open. of that horrible car accident I was in that was the cost

my colostomy bag is everywhere I no longer need a toilet I just have a bag also there's a monster in the house Jason Lee and David Lewis starred monster at the house I love it but it's like okay

this is where it gets confusing though and I actually wrote a note down just so I can think on it later as other things happen in the movie but seriously like is this supposed to be a comedy at this point i'm sorry you bring a fat guy into a scene and he's just constantly farting you know what's supposed to be funny all the time farting like you know where there's not listen listen you know who doesn't fart tom hanks in philadelphia you know why because it's a serious drama is there any challenge to the group there's a couple of writers in here uh how do you make farting sad

okay here's a dog dies under a porch and just farts and that's like it's last thing that's a sad fart or like if a frowny-faced clown farted like that's a sad fart yeah or a um you know maybe a fart set in nazi germany that's that jerry lewis movie right he's just a farting clown Combinos, yeah. There you go. There you go. The point is, there's no way to make serious farts. And even further down the road, there's no way to make horrific farts. Clickety-clack. I'm going to pioneer the fart, the serious fart. I think it was just like he was laid up from getting hit by a car and he just kept eating like bobbly frozen pizza. He's just like, oh, God, I can't stop farting. Clickety-clack, clickety-clack. Maybe these aliens make you fart.

Clickety-clot. I'm going to use that. Wait, wait, aliens farting. Haven't used it yet, clickety-clack. Wait, was that a Bachman one? No, clickety-clack, clickety-clack. This movie, by the way, should have been a Richard Bachley. Just file this under Boxman. I know, like he did The Running Man, which is far superior, in my opinion.

Yeah. I haven't read the actual clickety-clack, but I've seen the films. I have not read the clickety-clack. You just watch the talkie-talk. Yes. And so this guy's like, oh, I got to lay down. And Jones, he's like, why don't you use my bed? Here you go, brother.

And he's like, what's in his bed? Oh, you seem to be leaking there. You're farting sweat and blood. Yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine. I'll wash the sheets in the river later. And to prove our point about how there's hilarious farting going on, after they put this dude to bed,

the two of them run out of the house, like, giggling about all the farting. And he's like, oh, you should open a window, Jones. z says jason lee it's like yeah you know why because farts are fucking eternally hilarious jesus farting was hilarious like oh that happened i'm sure jesus was cutting them man why not oh that was in the awkward years they cut out of the bible yes yeah jesus is gaseous period but it's like you have these characters laughing about farting and meanwhile i'm supposed to be also making my brain remember that there's a terrifying thing growing inside of this fart bag like i'm just don't make them fucking fart this movie's ruined by flatulins so meanwhile in another part of the woods

there's some farting going on as well there's so much farting well they're about to come jane and uh tim oliphant are in this car and they see like kind of a bump in the snow and he's like dude punch it and tom jane's like say great idea he he tells him to punch it because at the speed they're going he was going to get stuck in the snow you got to use your traction to get over it but it is a punch it moment and he punches it and then there's some lady sitting in the middle of the it's fucking Jack Nicholson at the end of the shining

just sitting there oh no son of a bitch back space back space and yeah of course they swerve the car flips over Tim Olfeb breaks his leg horrendous car accident I'm sorry

second of the movie by the way some old lady wants to sit in the middle of the road during like this blizzard or whatever you know what you're just getting hit by the car yeah splat city lady Splat City. That's just what happens. He drives and then all of a sudden

he turns into the guy Frank from Donnie Dark. I was like, what are you sitting in the middle of the road, huh? You idiot? I'm going to miss my costume party. Oh man, I've been working on this costume for months. The sign said I just went to get beer.

I was already there. Idiot. And Jenna Malone was never seen again. Oh, that's sad. That's sad. and so basically they realize she's sick like well let's take her to

a clearing here and Pete's got a broken leg Timi Oliphant's got a broken leg so he's gonna stay with the woman who is just farting and farting and farting that's the thing it's like before we even realize that there's something wrong with this woman they're like hey bam

are you okay you're clearly sitting in the middle of this road what's going on and it's like frozen fart and Timothy Oliophant looks at fucking Tom Jane, like, did this woman just fart in her face? You know, like, it's actual Timothy O'Elevant looking at actual Tom Jane, like, are there

fart jokes in this movie that we're making right now? I kind of want to read the book now because, I mean, I read the Wikipedia lookup, and you know, farting is in the book, for sure. So like, that's confirmed. That's confirmed. That's farting in this book. That's part of the scary story. I kind of want to read, like, how he describes them.

It's like, it was all quiet and snowy. in dark and someone let out a big tutor I'm gonna get I'm gonna go with what was it Omanopoeia yeah yeah yeah it's it's it's italicized all capitals

and it's TH and then a bunch of Ws yeah yeah it's just farting like we're centering all of this movie around fart noises you know there's trouble when someone starts farting is he okay Jonesy ass

and then there was the sound of a dying duck and beaver was scared and then just in the prose part it's just beans beans the magical fruit so they're farting and like Tom Jins like I'll go get help and then we cut back to the house and all sorts of hell's breaking loose because they see all

Jonesy and Beaver see all these computer animals all running from for their lives like migrating. Yeah, they're like on this loop because they just keep coming around the bed. It's the same eight animals. It's like a male and a female deer, a brown bear, and then like six

rabbits. And it's just on a loop. It's Tune Town. It's Tune Town being evicted by the dip. They're afraid of the dip. Like Bugs Bunny should be there. Beaver. Beaver. This animated jiff file keeps repeating. Oh, no, beaver.

Oh, beaver, look. There's no beavers out here. Is that secret squirrel? I think we're in trouble. Boris and Natasha show up. Don't mind us. Aliens crash landed. And then they start seeing helicopters,

which are going to become important when this third movie of this movie starts. Yeah. And, you know, they go back inside and there's blood everywhere, a trail going to the bathroom. And they're like, what's amazing is there's a, it's a blood trail.

leading from a bedroom to a bathroom. They go in the bedroom, and it's just soiled. Everything is just destroyed. Yeah. And they go, they're like, hey man, you okay in there? It's like, no, this dude's clearly dead. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. The guy's like, oh, just a minute.

You're like, no, there's eight gallons of blood on the floor. He was already dead and that was just instinctual because this guy's been on the can a lot. Oh, yeah, he's had a lot of bad. bathroom door knocks oh yeah just a minute from beyond the grave occupado and now we're just hearing farts through a door we stop it with this it's like the clubs it's not it is it's like if the clumps got an alien invasion into their bodies so they that could be an Eddie Murphy movie and I think isn't that with Pluto and ashes yeah clumps in space the space clubs and instead of being like

like fuck this let's go let's go find the sheriff let's get on the snowman i'm not even going to open the door because i'm not a doctor you're not a doctor what am i do for this guy's bleeding asshole absolutely nothing nope you're not going to help him so they break down the door for some reason because they're such good guys and this guy's just dead on the toilet it's like well fucking great you know like he's fucking dead and they like try to go like it's still like this guy there's blood like all it looks like his face got ripped off yeah he's sitting on this toilet covered in blood every inch of him is covered in blood the floor is covered in blood and they're like hey man and they kind of like reach out to touch him and he falls like face first into the bathtub you also hear like a loop yeah oh yeah beaver's like oh he's totally still alive he just let out one he just dropped a deuce so they find they they notice that something is in the toilet bowl that's alive they quickly close the lid yeah and now like Jason Lee jumps on the toilet yeah he starts he sits on it and damien lewis gets the idea that he's going to go to the creepy old shed to get this tape to cover it.

Yeah. Yeah, there's a roll of electrical tape or duct tape or whatever it is. We're going to seal this lit up good. They're pretty convinced it's a monster, by the way, at this point. They're like, it's got to be a monster. Yeah, we're now in full monster in the house. Oh, yeah, absolutely. This is where monster in the house begins.

Guys, we have a monster in the house. Damien Lewis goes to that shed for like an hour and a half. And Jason Lee's just sitting on there. Sitting on this toilet. It's kind of like a buck and bronco situation. because like the thing keeps trying to like jump up through the toilet and it's kind of lifting jason lee up but not really yeah so he's kind of like trying to hold it under the lid but he's got it under control he's totally all this do sit on this toilet just sit there and this confirmed monster not confirmed but pretty much confirmed monster will be not a problem yeah i mean it's pretty much confirmed the guy has no face yeah exactly the guy's got no face and also i think they do they get a look into the toilet and they're like fuck that yeah it's a on butt squid down there.

Exactly right. Jason Lee is like, well, it's part of my character to always have a toothpick. So he takes out his toothpicks. He drops them into this blooded shit covered floor with alien goop and human DNA and feces. And he's like,

well, you know, it's still a toothpick. Well, there's one tile supposedly that's a lot clean than the rest of it's got one one pristine toothpick. It's not pristine. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God, the bacteria on that thing. Yeah, exactly.

Holy cow. You don't know what this guy was doing, okay? Like, before he sat down and died on the toilet. He could have been rubbing his butt on all sorts of tiles. Like, oh, my God, my ass hurts so much. I better just, oh, yeah, that's right. I'll set it down on this ice-cold tile. Yeah, like a dog.

He's just dragging it everywhere. You've no idea what's happening. You don't know what disease this dude has and you're like, you know, that toothpick isn't actually covered in blood? I think I can put that in my mouth, bro. It's right next to. a big clump of blood and shit yeah let me put that in my mouth and there's no there's

nothing like explaining this like he's never says anything like oh well I tried to quit smoking and so this is what you know I used to compensate for the you know the oral fixation or whatever it's just like I like looking cool with toothpicks man and I can't possibly look uncool in this

blood and shit covered bathroom whilst holding back a monster and you know obviously yeah he keeps leaning to try to get it keeps like jumping up when he's basically off the thing. Yeah, it's like just out of reach. And, you know, he falls over

and oops, he gets his fucking bloody toothpick and starts sucking on it. And this monster pops out of the toilet. It pops right out of the toilet. And it's the first of two times in this movie. These things are going for a dude's dick. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They're dick monsters. This thing latches onto his crotch. And Jason Lee's like, screaming. Finally Damien Lewis gets back with his roll of tape that took four years to five. He's already got his dick bitten off by this thing. So what's the point? It would appear

like I'm too late. Oh, no. Well, I guess I shouldn't have walked in front of traffic. If only I had two good hips, everything would be okay. And so this thing, he's just doing battle with this thing. It's kind of like

a punch and Judy situation. It's like he's trying to hit it with a stick and the stick. It's, and it's basically a big, it's a big eel. It's like a big eel with like nothing but teeth on it. You know what? You know what? It's kind of close to what a Langalear looks like. Yeah, oh, it's a lot

close to Langalear. It's like you took a Langalear and tilted it on its side and gave it an eel body. Clickety-Cleck, oh, it's too late. Let's keep going. The farting makes up for everything. It's a far scary story. It never, never been done before. Yeah, didn't do farts in Languilier's. Clickety Clack.

Wish I could have. Why is he burnt red? It's all of a sudden. Yeah. King. And then the car comes alive. Yeah, it's great. Print it.

So, uh, what kind of car does Beaver Drive? What kind of car does Christine drive? I already know that Tom Jane's got the, uh, the pickup there. That's great. They'll drive Mustangs. I, uh, I, uh, start with the cars and work backwards from there. That's, uh, my, my process. every story's got a haunted car

so this thing kills him right it's a real like oh Jones you get out of here close the door I'll sacrifice myself and this thing like face hugs him and like you know Damon Lewis like you kill Beaver you son of a bitch Beaver got slaughtered If there's ever a time like if my name is Beaver

and you know everyone's called me Beaver when I died just call me John like you know what I mean let's just go back Give me my Christian name back in death, if anything. It'd be great if, like, the other dudes come back, and he's like, oh, my God, it got John. And they're like, what? Beaver. Oh, beaver's dead.

They killed the beam? Oh, no. And then at this point, a big gray alien, literally called Gray's in this movie, take over Damien Lewis, Jonesy. What's really disturbing is, like, this creepy little assyel just like slips right by him because, the mama bears there. Right. And it's, it is the weirdest looking gray alien you've ever saw because it's like,

it's like got the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's jacked. And its head is gigantic. It's like a bobblehead thing. It looks stupid. It looks like one of the stupid ones of the gray aliens showed up. One of the duddits came down. Yeah.

And then, okay, it frigging explodes into like a blood mist. And then it just sucks itself into like Damien Lewis's head. Because like, hey, that's a handsome dude. I want to take over that body. Oh, yeah. Fuck that fat guy. This is much better. Fuck that fat guy.

Love that Joker. So now he's possessed by this thing. And you know he's possessed. Do we find this out right away how we know he's possessed? Pretty much right away. He starts talking Damien Lewis does in a Malcolm McDowell impression. What was that, Mr. Jones? What did we just pass on the road there?

Are you speaking to me? Yes, I am, Mr. Jonesy, or is it Jonesy? That's what your friends call you, isn't it? Ew, that's how you're distinguishing the character's been possessed? Oh, no. See, this is Jonesy.

And I'm Mr. Gray. It's so fucking bad, man. It's stupid. And that's how, like, he keeps getting, like, tripped up by people because he's like, oh, hello. I mean, hello. Why would I, uh, why would it

alien talk like this i don't get it i really don't get it did jonesy watch like clockwork orange the night before and he had it in his memory warehouse and like that's what he got to he's like oh that guy talks like a lot of fun doesn't he we should address the memory where oh it's really important because uh much like sherlock holmes mind palace these fellas have mind memory warehouses. I guess it's, we're supposed to believe it's in conjunction with the gift of the telekinesis. It's like how he

stores information. It's like he has a really strong imagination and makes a big like, there's a literal warehouse where he puts all his files of like his public humiliations. Yeah, like sex fantasies and like he's got, spank banks. Spank banks and he's got secret

like he's got a secret office in there with all the dark shit. It's like where his child porn is. And it's like And it's really stupid And that's where actual Jonesy goes Once he gets kidnapped Once he gets hijacked by this alien And he hides in his memory warehouse

And like it's hilarious Because he keeps like watching what's clearly a blue screen Out of a window And he's like, no, don't hurt my friend It's so You guys, it's so stupid He's looking out of a window An office window

At the movie it's terrible rear projection style and it's also like it's not even like he's looking you know it's not like through his point of view or anything there are times where he looks out

this fake window and he's seeing like an overhead shot of Damien Lewis like doing I'm like how are you seeing this it's the dumbest visualization oh no an alien took over my body

now I have to watch dream catcher oh no no stop it just kill me please just kill me Please just kill me right now. Send me back to Abu Nazir now. Do it. At this point, Morgan Freeman shows up.

As if things work bad enough. Morgan and the unemployable Tom Seizmore shows up. Oh, yeah. Like the unsinkable Molly Brown? It's the unemployable Tom Sizeboard. They're men and black. They're like this evil government wing that handles all the aliens. The blue unit, I think they're called.

I'll get my blue boys out there. We'll take care of it. Oh, the Stephen King movie. So I got to call everyone Bucco and Laddie. It's obnoxious. And you know what's... Oh, wait, wait. Okay, so the farting.

We had the farting. And then what did I have after the farting? It was the... Jason Lee. Farting. Jason Lee's dialogue. Morgan Freeman's eyebrows. That's the...

These are the bushiest fake eyebrows. He looks like Lord Raid with these eyebrows. It's so stupid. And he's got this like chop top. You know what I think they did? They were originally. going to hire arly ermie right you're going to hire arly ermie for

this movie and they'd done all the sketches arly ermie's going to be this this general and whatever and then arly ermie had to drop out yeah because he started reading the script and got to all the farting there's nothing funny about farts and he just threw the script down and left and then morgan freeman was like

i love farting and so then it's just because he just Morgan freeman goes through Hollywood's garbage well this sounds like a lot of fun I mean, he looks like Arlie Irmy in this movie. It's either Arlie Irmy or he's supposed to be

like the very cartoon version of J. Jonah Jameson. Morgan Freeman's agents a dumpster. High crimes, huh? Take this pizza off it. I think maybe Ashley Judd could be in it. Maybe me too.

Get the old gang back together. Man, high crimes is a bad movie. Stay tuned. A long came a spider, huh? Oh, and what's this under that spider? Along came of spiders, Chris. He's like Sylvester the cat. He's got like an upturned garbage can as a plate

and he's got a big fucking fish boat on and a couple of scripts. Wow, would you look at that. A documentary about penguins. Suppose I could do something with this. You can do anything. He can do anything. Oh, lucky number seven.

Thank you very much. Yeah, he, he, the prestige. at this point in Morgan Freeman's career is gone. I mean, like, it's not really like the roles beneath him at this point. The role's totally beneath. And now here's my concern though, because I'm just thinking like

recent shit, bucket list, last Vegas. I mean, aside from the Batman movies, has he come out of this spiral? I mean, people like that Lego movie and he's supposed to be Oh, yeah, you know, I forgot about that. He's very funny in that movie. It's very good. Yeah, but just, yeah, this is real, like,

Morgan Freeman, what are you doing in this movie? You're so above it. I just wanted to find it to be in a Stephen King adaptation. Unfortunately, this was the only one in production at the time. Or no, wait, he was in Shawshank. He already had a Stephen King adaptation. It doesn't matter. Morgan Freeman is this corrupt crazy general, like King of the Men and Black

organization. I kind of side with him in this movie because there's a quarantine going on. Obviously, the aliens we find out have crash landed and their viruses spread all over the Oliver Maine, all over Stephen King's beloved Maine. Oh, no, here comes an alien virus. First, I got to deal with wherewolves. Now I have to deal with

whirreliens. Oh, no, Martha. Don't breathe in that red mist. You're going to get a butt monster in you. That's what I heard about on the news. Oh, little Sally and Billy. Outside in the barn. Had to put them out there because they can't stop farting. Don't forget to bring a scoff, boys.

It's Maine. it's just general advice aliens ghosts a little nip in the hair little clutch of snow under your boot so he's like I got to put these fuckers down like you know what I mean like honestly here's the thing it's like there's a hundred people infected and wow is that a real tragedy but if one of these things gets out it's an epidemic and everyone it's the worst way to die ever oh yeah and you know Morgan Freeman's trying to explain to the Unemployable Tom Seismore, you know, listen to Unemployable Tom Seismore,

we got to deal with the hitchhiker effect, right? Like, the hitchhiker theory. Like, there's a guy who is in the vicinity of all this, and he's left the town, he's hitched a ride or driven away. That means it's spreading everywhere. You know, we have to contain this shit. And Tom Seismore is the one in this movie

who's like, the guy with a heart of gold. Like, no, no, no, no. Tom Seismore's laying waste to all these people just as quickly as more and Freeman wants to. Don't give me that Tom Seismore's heart grew four sizes tall. Yeah, come on. Hooker, punch your Tom Seismore? That may be

one of the reasons he's unemployable. Is that your first association? Is that what he did? I think, maybe. No, yeah, he was punching all sorts of hookers. That'd be a great movie. And then this turns into a Star Fox fucking stage. Because I don't even know when it happens, but he's like, all

these aliens are out there. Bucko, buckaroo, laddie boy. And he's like, I know, I got to, we got to take care he's like all right getting your helicopter we're gonna go take on a whole enemy fleet i'm like wait what's happening and the whole thing is like morgan freeman has announced and this is amazing he's announced that he's retiring because he's been hunting aliens for 25 years and you know you just uh you got to retire when it's not fun anymore and he one of the one of the ceremonial things of his blue unit he has to he he he's got this great gun that he gives to tom's size oh yeah the

passing of the torch. Pearl handle. Oh, it's beautiful. You know who gave me this gun, right? John Wayne. What? In what circumstances did John Wayne give an alien hunter a gun? Was John Wayne at the Roswell incident?

No, here's what it was, man. This is the backstory. We don't know. They're filming on the set of the Conqueror. Oh, the radiation. Morgan Freeman, you know, he's just, he was a young buck at that point. Still knew how to sniff out garbage. And he, he had.

to go investigate it because we were told it was atomic testing. But you know what? Aliens crash landed on the set of the conquerors. Yeah. We could have had Mongols versus aliens? Yes, we could have had that movie. Well, aliens versus white people pretending to be Mongols

and a couple of assorted Mexican extras. So he's got John Wayne's gun and he passes it off. And Jerry Orbach's eyes. God. Hey, seismal, you clean? Relatively, all right.

That sounds fine. Let's roll, Lawrence. He's ready to go. Before he gives the gun off, he actually shoots some guys' fingers off. Oh, that's awesome, because there's a dude that fucked up and, like, let, he let somebody out of the containment. He let, this lady told him. I think it's, I think it's, we're supposed to believe. It's the woman and her husband.

He let the couple out. Because the two of them are married, the fat farter and the frozen, lady farter are they're like together and you know you could have broke tom jane's leg set off a domino effects that'll affect the hunky group of psychic masters that's a better title of this movie is a hunky group of psychic masters yeah try fitting that on a poster man we'll just call him the x-men wait i wasn't an ex-men why not i guess it didn't get to the dumpster what he got for me today dumpster red too huh maybe i'll go on vacation oh set last

Vegas sounds excellent so it's a star fox uh thing they're shooting all these aliens like there's napalming and like the money they must have spent on this stupid alien spaceship yeah that does that just it's crashed in the dirt and he's got this line explaining that like the aliens assume a shape they think we want to see which is like the gray alien right like the peaceful gentle and they're using you know this telepathic power these aliens are also telepathic by the way we'll make the connection why at the end and they're saying like they're they're feeding tom seismore and everybody who's flying in thoughts like don't hurt us we're here peacefully and it's kind of like innocent child voices and they're all like skinny gray aliens they're waving their

hands of surrender yeah they're like close encounter type aliens yeah and people's like fuck this it starts blowing them away and it's this whole big speech about like you know you might want to wonder what kind of man it takes to mow down an innocent group of aliens just like this well i'm that man bucko and he just starts fucking fire yeah and he explains that you know that's not how they look he's like i've seen how they look you wouldn't want them uh you wouldn't want your daughter bringing them home for dinner that's right that's he also has a bunch of intolerable dialogue cut to sidney portier looking pissed off He's just at the dinner table.

It's Sidney Portier, a white family, and a alien with teeth on its face. You know, put Cindy Portier in the fucking Mind Palace with Damien Lewis. Like, they're both just damned to watch Dreamcatcher. So they lay waste to all these aliens. And we see that Morgan Freeman is right. As soon as they start firing, these aliens shape shift out of gentle gray alien form into these hammerhead shark-looking, you know, scurrying little worm-fuckers. Yeah.

And they blow up, too. They, like, self-destructed to kill, like, half of the Marines that take them on. So, like, yeah, I know these aliens are pure evil. So when he goes back to the town, it's like, well, Baco, we're going to have to kill them all. Want to have a drink first? And I'm like, yeah, that's, I kind of, you just have to do it. You just. Oh, man.

Sign me up. It's a small town. Just do it. It can be one of those things where, you know, Morgan Freeman's working in a pretty top secret, you know, black ops kind of. operation here. They got the funding, man. They got the funding. Oh, yeah. You can just pretend like this town was never even there. You can make it look like it's just

been woods, totally undeveloped. Funny, where's my map to dairy? What? It's gone. I was just at the general store two days, don't you know? It's just wiped away. Maybe

that general store burned down 30 years ago. And I'm a ghost story. Oh, no, I'm looking at my ghost map. Oh, damn it. Dang it. It must have been a haunted meadow. Twas no gentle store.

Twas a twisted tree. At this point, Timothy Oliphon gets his dick ripped off, unceremoniously, and then just pretty much murdered. Yeah, because the woman. The lady dies. Right. Her shit eel comes out.

She farts out another teethe eel there, you know. And then we go right for the dick right away. Oh, yeah. I don't know if we mentioned this, but they call these little things Ripley's. Yeah, they call them Ripley's, because let's just keep thinking about a better franchise right away. The worst of the alien movies, AVPs included, way better than this movie. Oh, absolutely. Way better.

But yeah, they're calling them Ripley's, and you're just like, oh, man, don't, don't do that, Stephen King. That's like, I picture Stephen King's writing this book and, like, his wife's in the other room just, like, flipping the channels. and she comes across like stars four and she's like oh aliens on hey steve you mind if i watch alien while you work not at all click click click click click click click click then she changes the channel and the things on and he's like even better click click click click click click click change the channel and it's insert fart comedy name the clumps norbit norbit horror comic writer his son joe hill shows up He puts on standby He's like, I like your old shit, dad.

He's like, so do I. You might say, son, this is a patch job. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. I was almost killed, you know. I can put that in too. Click, click, click, click. So they kill all these aliens. And yeah, it's the whole thing of, you know,

Tom Seismore refuses. Morgan Freeman's retiring and Tom Seismore's taking over the command of the blue boys. Oh, man. And, you know, he's like, I'm not going to do this. I'm calling this other general to let this dude know what's going on or something like that. And he's saying like this general is going to come in and like shut down Morgan Freeman's operation. But in the other part of the movie, so we've spent 45 minutes with all these vignettes and flashbacks. And Tim Oliphant's dead. Beaver is dead. And Jonesy is taken over by an alien effectively dead. Why the fuck does their relationship matter at all? they could just be you know what they should have been they should have been four co-workers who were forced to go on a retreat

together to like bond so they could be better at the office or something it might as well be would have taken a lot last time sure would have didn't eat all that flashback shit oh yeah and uh just to call this back a little bit to mrs downfire this movie is also longer than star wars this movie is two hours and 16 minutes how dare you that's almost jango unchained

it is you're reaching You're reaching Tarantino-esque run times here, man. Long than every Wes Anderson movie ever by at least a half hour. Like, come on. Like, this is supposed to be a sci-fi romp in and out. Enough with the flashbags. And, you know, Tom Jane at this point gets, like, trapped in a quarantine as well. He goes back to find Beaver who's dead, and all these little weird sperm-looking aliens are coming around.

Oh, yeah. It's like the baby versions of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the eel monsters that later then grow into the big aliens. Yeah, he goes back to the cabin, it's a fucking level from Metroid, and he's got to burn these fuckers down. So he starts, like, stepping on these things, and he's

lighting him on fire, you know, and then he just burns the whole cabin down hilariously. But what we do, speaking of Stephen King stealing stuff from other Stephen King's stories, the other thing that happens, like, this virus or whatever, it starts growing on everything. And it's just

this red moss. It's just the story that he wrote in Crepe Show that he participated in with the asteroid that lands or the meteorite. Oh, that he starred in. Oh, Jody, whatever his name is, you snipped in it now, boy. I still, I love that sequence. It's funny.

That's funny sci-fi, Stephen King. Not people shit in their pants till they bleed. It's fucking ridiculous. Clickety clack. And Jonesy has to, is trying to get to the reservoir. We find out. Mr. Gray.

and Jonesy are going to get to the Reservoir. They pick up an adorable dog who's like... Because again, we're just stealing stuff from the things and now there's a dog that's getting infected with everything. Yeah, and it's a big German Shepherd too, and it's doing the razy chest thing. Like, how do

you get away with this, man? Then Lulford Brimbley comes in, it didn't want to be dogs, it wanted to be ah! Oh, he's great in that movie. Moustacheless, though, so I feel he was possessed by the devil in that movie. It's evil, Wilford

Bremley. Yeah, that was the year he voted for Carter. Never do that again. God damn it. Look what happened. Shave that mustache. Vote liberal. Voted Democrat. Disgusted with myself. Thought it was a Dixiecrat on that

trying to bring back that wonderful party. I thought Carter wanted to be ours. Oh, man. So, yeah. I mean, at this point, you know, it's just a cat and mouse thing. And then, like, Tom Jane knows, by the way, that Jonesy's been possessed because, like, the, he tips his hat. He says, hello, governor. It's like, oh, you're clearly not my best friend. It's even better, though, because it's one of the dumbest, worst delivered lines in the movie. He hears a snowmobile coming. And Jonesy, or Mr. Gray, as Jonesy, has taken this snowmobile and he's driving to wherever. And he's like, oh, Jonesy? And he's extending in the road to listening for the thoughts or whatever. And you don't see anything coming. at all and it's just Thomas Jain and he goes

you're not Jonesy and then he hides in a snowbag and the dude drives by him so he's now he gets himself wrapped up in the camp because he's trying to just walk to civilization of course there's a snowstorm just like the thing and uh well I guess just like the shining I don't know and

wherever he's fucking stealing from him just like movies and other people and literator yeah and uh you know he gets captured by by Seismore's folks and everything And then he starts like, he sees Tom Seismore and he can sense that there's good in that hooker punch and heart is. And he's like, he starts like saying shit to him like, oh, your daddy was a soldier. Your daddy was a hero and all this shit, you know, reading his mind and whatnot. And he so easily convinces Tom Seismore of what he thinks is going on.

And Tom Seismore, like, as this professional monster on dirt, it's just like, yeah, that sounds about right. Well, you can read my mind. You're good. What kind of car do you drive? Well, there's telepathic aliens, and you are reading my mind like a telepathic alien. You must be a good guy. Yep. Well, whatever, Tom Seismore.

And, you know, basically they escape in a car, and Morgan Freeman shakes his fist and chases after them. At the same time, Seismore put it a call to dad, a dad comes home, aka this other general. And like, here's the thing, Morgan Freeman, like, it's proven that, like, oh, they kind of have this bullshit thing. It's like, most people get better from this disease. No, they don't. And he's like, most people get better from this disease. And this town could be okay if we just give them the time and the cure. So Morgan Freeman's like crazy, right?

And this guy takes over the camp. And he's like, all right, Morgan Freeman, I'm relieving you over command in 45 minutes. Talk to you later. And he, like, gives him all this time to pack his guns up. Like, he has a tracer on the gun that he put on side. more right yeah the which it's like what are you even doing what are you even doing because at the time he gifts him the gun there's no suspicion whatsoever that tom size more not might not be 100% behind morgan freeman you know he's he's like passing down a family heirloom to his son like

he thinks nothing of it but he loves him all of a sudden magically there's a tracer in the handle of this weapon you're like whatever and also it's hilarious the actor is uh the guy from Dallas Buyers Club who works for the FDA who's like constantly given Matthew McConaughey shit and it's like all these hilarious scenes are like so you're saying all this is for personal use right Matthew McConaughey

and he's like yeah that's right I'm just self medicating man and he's like okay but you know we're going to eventually arrest you right? Matthew McConaughey's like dressed as a priest he's a real put upon FDA agent it's kind of the same thing in this movie's like all right I'm noticing a lot of electronic

information coming from your camper here, Morgan Freeman. You're sure you're just calling you? I was like, yes, I'm just calling my wife. Caught me on the phone with the wife, you did. Meanwhile, there's like a whole secret compartment where this dude's tracking them on like radar. It's ridiculous. And so we're driving to Boston. We're driving down to Boston from Maine. And also the, I almost said duddits, Joneses on his way or Alien Jonesy. Mr. Gray's going there too. And they're trying to figure out why. And then all of a sudden, it's just a, you're a run of the mill. James Bond poisoning the water supply game.

It is. Whatever. It's a super villain tactic. Yeah. Nothing of this is scary. All he has to do is put like one little worm into the thing. And then, yeah. And then the whole water of Boston's ruined Thusley the world.

Right. At this point, I think Dutt's comes back in the picture. He sure does. Right. Yes. And we're introduced, what's interesting about Duttits is we're first introduced to him seeing his discarded Scooby-Doo lunchbox. and then now

20 years later we see the same goddamn lunchbox and his mom's like packing it with goodies or whatever and it's just like I don't know

I thought that was the big mystery of the film is this lunchbox It's indestructible It's a piece of shit plastic lunchbox Yeah the picture is pristine

It is Yeah you can see all the characters So we're introduced to Duditz And it's a real movie introduction of like him coming down the stairs and here is donnie walberg wearing a big like red socks jacket and he's just clearly dying of cancer and you're like okay wait what now this poor handicapped guy grew up to get fucking leukemia and is dying let's just say it now duditz is an

alien that that's what's revealed in the third act is at the end duddits is an alien oh my god and everyone fucking spits their coffee out which is a decision of the movie by the way yeah the book he's just a telekinetic kid right and actually in earlier in the film it's alluded to like oh hey i'm jonesy and we always thought that uh that it's might have been from somewhere else yeah and it's tim only fans before he he dies is like starting to sort of hypothesize like oh no maybe maybe you're right yeah i i saw one alien and now because he's riding with with Jonesy for a while and he knows that he's possessed by an alien he's like so maybe duditz was an alien and yeah I'm kind of just piecing this all together somehow right before

he just gets eaten he's bitten half for no reason well he tells him to bite his bag and he's like oh I'll bite your bag and more than that right oh what a hammy line it's a hammy line I've ever seen Damien Lewis be hamming because he's always so stoic it's kind of fun I think he's okay in this movie I don't maybe I just have goodwill towards him I've goodwill towards most of the cast Yeah, I mean, there's, you know, they're a good bunch. I like all the actors in this movie. Not Tom Seismore, but, uh, well, that's the only one I like. But, but, uh, yeah, I don't know.

I, I cannot get behind this Malcolm McDowell impression. It's just too much. I mean, you know, like, whatever, like, if he just stayed his American accent through the whole thing, I would have been totally fine with it. It's, you know, no one in the thing is doing a voice. But it's like, I mean, he's an, I guess like, he's a. an academic, the alien appreciates that his mind warehouse is chock full of goodies, but like

is it just like, oh, I'm taking over a professor, like now I'm going to be my idea of what a professor is. Yeah, that's what college professors sound like. What's even worse, though, during this time because I mean, like, half the movie now, it splits in half, and, you know,

it's Jonesy and Mr. Gray going to this water supply trying to poison it. And Tom Jane and Tom Sise were trying to beat him there with but like during the time like we keep cutting back to jonesy in his memory warehouse and like there are like tension scenes of him trying to take files from one room to the other wall though the quote unquote monster in his mind is trying to catch him yeah who could care we yeah we see the alien yes following him around stalking him in this library two hours and 16 minutes it is

imagination why is he on a pirate ship at that point like who gives you shit like the building It's eight feet tall at that. The building that they use for his mind warehouse has been featured in other movies. Oh, it looks familiar. Yeah, and I can't picture just now where it's from. I've definitely seen that structure, you know, that building or whatever it is in other movies. Well, maybe it's your own mind warehouse. Oh, that might be.

Oh. When was the last time you went in there, man? It's been a while. So take some time, dust off that spank bang. I feel like most of the phyelums of my mind warehouse has question. marks under that after that it's like success like high school question mark like there's a lot of crossed out with pen and then you relabeled the manila folder me every every week it's like it's like the fall of the Nazis we're burning all the files just everything's going to throw it out the window

you go to your mind palace and it's just papers falling everywhere clear that history So we pick up Duddits and he's pretty much going to die anyway So his mother is like Well better he dies with his friends than his mother I guess Better he dies with those kids that haven't been around at all Where have you guys been? I've been calling you off the hook You knew about this terminal cancer diagnosis

Right But the best part is so you're an alien Who chooses to be a mentally challenged guy But also chooses to have fucking human cancer what's the advantage there it's just them on vacation or i guess holiday is what the aliens would call it since they're british but yeah it's just like i'm going to go down to earth and feel what that's feel the agony of human suffering for a while then i'll go back whatever this is what doesn't make any sense like the one alien mr gray like the boss of the aliens or whatever turns into a bunch of like

spores and goes into jonesy into damien lewis right So is Duttits an alien that turned in, like took human form? Or is Duttits a challenged kid who the alien just mistakenly was like, oh, here's a cute little redheaded kid. Okay. And went inside and was like, oh, fuck. I don't know how to use this body. But, I mean, that's actually a horrific point is there's a challenged kid inside.

tuck in his own mind warehouse. But this alien is so like, Lib, he's like, it doesn't matter. It's not like he's going to fucking think anyway. You weren't using it. It's just this poor little red-headed kid looking out of a C.G.I. window at Duttitt's cancer-ridden life.

It's so horrible. You know what? This alien is a villain now. Duttis is a bad guy. And he had no, no, no, he should not have given those hunk's superpowers. No, he should not. have shared it. By the way, there is just really quickly, because we're running

a little long here on this two hour and 16 minute movie. But another thing is they get the powers because they decide they want to exploit Dudet's powers to help find another challenged girl who's fallen down a well who's no joke fallen down a well. And she's never

seen before this scene or after this scene. Nope. Just spooky main for you. You know, we've got a lot of wells up here. Oh, no. I mean, we're all chock full. mentally challenged kids in these wells because they keep breaking out of the haunted sanitariums we call him kickball traps so they get to this this water station and i mean like at this point it's for some reason uh Morgan Freeman who has nothing to do with this movie at this point like no

he was like fucking holding court then the movie ran away from it was like oh no movie not me and he gets well back to the dumpster He gets in a helicopter and is chasing after this movie. And he's like, I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you movie. It's awesome because all the other army extras start chasing after him. Like, don't let that helicopter take off. And they're like, hey, Morgan Freeman, if we're out of the movie, you are too.

Get back here. You can't shoehorn yourself into the rest of this movie. You can't write me out of anything. And that's because like Tom Seismore told some other general about it. And now the regular military is involved. Blah, blah, blah. The dude from Dallas Byers Club, you know, brought in actual, like, you know, just some regular old army folk. Right.

And all these dudes are, like, getting arrested and all this shit. And he's like, you know, this whole thing shut down now. And yeah, Morgan Freeman steals this helicopter and chases after the third act. He really does. And he catches up to it at last. And Tom Seismore is like, Tom Jane, you go in there and fight that alien. I got this. And he's shooting a machine gun at this helicopter.

It's really stupid because he shoots a machine gun at the helicopter. helicopter nothing happens and then he's like oh i run out of bullets let me just use this uh you know this sentimental gun and actually aim and it's like oh shit i can hit this helicopter well it's because there was the duke's gun man you know that shit was calibrated but it's hilarious it's tom seismore versus a helicopter yeah it's like when you were playing like sonic and you had to like fight dr wiley and he was always like in a thing yeah exactly and you were just sonic and you just had to bounce off it it's great because Morgan freeman's last lines as this helicopter is supposed to

son of a bitch because it's a great life and it's so it's two useless characters just wiping each other out because like Seismore hits a couple of good points on the helicopter it goes down

a hilarious son of a bitch Wilhelm scream happens and then Seismore has just been torn up by these huge helicopter machine gun bullets oh yeah he's done for it and he's just in a huge pool of blood and that's the end of it and you're just like yeah we didn't need any of that anyway that's okay thanks movie what an economical decision

you made good for you you're welcome click clack click clack click click click clack meanwhile in this water station the fucking dog has started birthing something over here a thing you would you might call it a thing i think a thing is coming out of this dog maybe a thing it's a thang actually you're right because they've got fangs so it's a thing a fanged thing yeah it's also uh you know Copyright infringement, it's a thing. It's the shitting. Yes. You don't want to get sued.

And, yeah, and, you know, Damien Lewis is like, well, I guess I don't need to be this stupid Englishman anymore. And he turns into a big fucking gobbly gook alien. He's a gobbly gook alien. Again, though, this, none of this makes sense because he can turn into a gobbly gook alien whenever he wants to.

And the only reason this alien is thwarted in his own plot is because he stays in the form of Damien Lewis and tries to get this manhole cover up and you can't do it. Turn into this big buff alien and pick it up with one hand.

That or there's a fucking hole in there. All you need is one worm to destroy the world. You can just leave the manhole cover on. It's so stupid. It's like, man, how did you mess it up? How did you not see any of this? It makes no sense. If all you have to do is get one little sperm-looking worm.

to drop through like, yeah, like the hole of the manhole cover where you're putting this crowbar trying to pry it open. Yeah, it's like a little Damien Lewis broken hip arm can't fucking do it. It's so stupid. And, you know, Thomas Jane shows up, he's like, hey, I guess I was in this movie after all. Davis Lewis was like, you too? Yeah, I guess we're both in this movie. All right.

And then there's a bullshit, you know, we go on for another five minutes about, oh, yeah, you're saying that you're Jonesy. tell me something only Jonesy would know, which literally comes to nothing because they just give up on it. So I'm glad we had like a 10-line exchange trying to make him guess the memory. And like Dudditz is there and Duddits turns into his alien form.

Because he starts, he starts wrestling with this alien. Yeah. The alien has like a tail. Yeah. He's got like a spiky tail. And he, you know, shoves it through his chest and kind of lifts him up and pins him to the ground

and you're like, man, he's just kind of killing this handicapped. It's kind of just like, it's sort of like the men and black alien, right? Vincent DiNafrio. Yeah, and he's just all of a sudden he's like, I done it. And turns into like this big stud alien. It's like, wait, I'm a golden alien. Yeah, like what

wait, what? Like, and it's a different kind of alien than whatever the fuck Damien Lewis was. And it's like Beast Wars. It's like two really bad CGI monsters fighting each other. It looks like garbage. And then they just engulfed themselves

in the inside of a jelly donut and explode in a flash of light. They fucked themselves to death. Do you think any of that would drip down into that water supply? Nah, nah, no, no. We're good. We're good. They docked themselves to death.

And then this movie ends so poorly too because here we are. The aliens destroyed themselves. They got fucked to death. So they're gone. Now they're equalizer. Just like what we just saw outside. But there's one little world.

still wiggling towards that manhole. Yeah, and then we see a boot come down and it's Damien Lewis and he stepped on it so you know that he's no longer possessed by the alien and then it's just Tom Jane going Jonesy. And then he cut to Jonesy's smiling face like

credits and then in the credits there's a bullshit the movie you just watched montage for like 15 seconds. I thought it was outtakes. I thought they were going for outtakes too. I really did. Jonesy

Because again I spent most of this movie wondering if it was a comedy I don't know what this movie is Like is he trying to do a send-up Of sci-fi stories Is he making Is he outright making fun of the thing

Like oh wouldn't it be hilarious If Wilford Brimley And Kurt Russell were just farting Through that whole story Like I don't know There's nothing in this movie To take seriously I think it was

I think this was a sincere Attempt I got a question if you were in a car with Keith David and he farted, would you say anything? You would just try not to laugh, right? Because you'd fucking break your neck. I'd be like, no, I'd start getting suspicious. And I'd be like, all right, Keith David, you tell me something that only you as Keith David and Andrew Jupin know.

What's a secret we shared? Because I would start questioning him because I did the voice of Goliath. I'm God, or else. Oh, everybody knows that Keith David. That was a successful, totally popular cartoon. I didn't take it out for air Holy shit I'd be more concerned if Keith David

said that to me in the car than just ripping a fire Yeah if he ripped the fine I'd be fine I just keep on tracking In the book by the way It should be noted Like we said Dunnets is not an alien

And he just dies from like Exerting himself using the powers And he still has cancer Yeah He just kind of dies like using his telekinesis To kill this alien somehow It's kind of better than him Being a secret alien

Of some degree that I don't don't even know. I don't even know what is racist. I think it's like that whole movie thing like like like these friends are so insanely special. They're so insanely special. So either the movies about that. But you have this other thing that's so insanely special about them that they're

involved in an alien encounter. Well, let's just mix the both together. Yeah. And that stuff doesn't work. You need to pick a thing that your movie's going to be about what your book's going to be about. I think this would be a way better movie if sure, have them be the special. Power Hunk Brigade.

An alien thing happens and the rest of the movie is just them fighting for their lives to get the fuck out of the forbidden zone. Exactly. I don't need the military. I don't need them stopping it either. Let them finally get out and then you see the whole place get leveled or something.

Like make it about a human drama about them doing something instead of saving the world. I'm sick of it. And it's, oh, speaking to which by that mother's got some line as they're pulling out of the driveway. She's like, go dudding. it's go save the world.

And I'm like, how did this lady get so easily sold on this alien story? I'll tell you why. She doesn't want fucking donuts in the house. Oh, yeah, yeah, aliens. That's great. Yeah, just take them. Wait, you mean I don't have to feed them oatmeal every five seconds? Oh, fucking terrific.

Load them up. I'll help you throw them in the back of the truck. She's packing his bags the second Tom Jane walks into that house. He doesn't even have to ask. He doesn't get started with the pitch. Yes. She's putting up an exercise machine. where his bed was before he leaves.

It's either that or a sign that says room for red. She's throw out all the Scooby-Doo memorabilia in the garbage. Well, that burden's gone. Ooh, I got a little writer's office here. Yeah, I put a desk right there. Get my poetry going, clickety-clag. Finally get her life back. That's horrible.

I mean, but yeah, there's also a dad there, but the dad isn't, I don't know if it's, maybe It's like the mom's boyfriend. Oh, yeah. All right, I'm just going to hang back. I'm Bruce, the mom's boyfriend. I'm hanging back, man. Wait till this just clears out. Bruce is just going to get a beer.

That's what Bruce is going to do. Get a beer? Hey, hey, Linda. Bruce will be in the kitchen. Straighten out the thing with your alien son. And I, you know, I got no feelings one way or another if he leaves now or never comes back. I swear. Yeah, that's right.

Bruce. Man, would anybody recommend Dream Catcher? Absolutely not, yeah, right? It's longer than Star Wars, it's longer than Memento, it's longer than the usual suspects. It might be longer than Pulp Fiction or if it's like a hair one way or not. I think it's longer than all of the X-Men movies. Yeah, oh, those are great movies. Those are great movies about psychic powers.

Yeah, exactly. That's what's great, man. That first X-Men movie, 95 minutes. What a dream. We're introducing all sorts of monsters in that movie, 95 minutes. God bless it. I would not recommend this movie. I would also not recommend Miller Fortune.

I would say, go with the Miller High Life. Stick with what you know. Yeah, no, that's true. There's no reason to stray off the... No, I mean, I... Yeah, I fucked up. Dunn it's fucked up there, huh? Yeah, Dunn it's really fucked up.

Yeah, I would recommend Homeland. I would recommend Justify. Yes, yes. Shit, I'd even recommend that shitty Punisher that Tom Jane's in. Oh, well, speaking to which, and we might be repeating ourselves here, but watch Tom Jane's The Mist.

It's a great Stephen King out of it. Oh, yeah. Did we say this? I don't think we did. I don't think we talked about this. I mean, maybe at some point, but yeah, I big fan of the Mist. It's a great Stephen King adaptation. It's directed by Frank Darabond. Tom Jane's in it. It's got a lot

of the Frank Darabond's stable of actors in it. Oh, yeah. It's a lot. It's just a lot of fucking fun. And you know what? It's science fiction that involves the military, and it's justified. It's justified military. It's justified.

Oh, yeah, dude. Boyd Crowder. Yeah, I'd recommend almost anything any of these other actors have done than this movie, except Jay and Silent Bob Strikeback. Oh, no. Jason Lee's all over that movie, right? He's playing like two different characters, probably.

Garbage. You could also keep Memphis Blues or whatever the fuck that show. But honestly, you know, I'd say mall rats and dogma, go for it. There's some tolerable Jason Lee. why I downloaded this in 2003 for fucking Kazah, man, is I was a Jason Lee head at the time.

Speaking of Jason Lee and Larry Kazan, though, what's that movie, Mumford? Oh, yeah. Where Jason Lee, I believe that's... No, not Mumford and Sons. I believe it's just called Mumford, and he's like a skateboarding cameo or something, because he used to be like

a professional skateboarder. It's like a fake psychiatrist or something. Oh, wow. Boy, it must not watch. Breckenmeyer, I'm out. You can take that right out of your memory warehouse. It's already being tossed down into the courtyard. Yeah, all the papers are already on fire. Yes.

That's Dream Catcher from 2003, directed by Lawrence Kasden. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website. You can find more information on the show, WHMpodcast.com. And I will take a second to clarify right now. A lot of people newly discovering the show, which is always great. We're always getting new listeners and, you know, hoping you stick around. I'm welcome. Yes.

If you're subscribing in iTunes, by the way, and you're looking around and you're like, oh, hey, man, like it only goes back to so many episodes. The rest of the episodes are directly linked up on our website. So you just go to whhmpodcast.com, click on the episodes tab. All the ones that aren't in iTunes are directly linked to the MP3. It's all listed in order. You know, it's all labeled. You can find those old episodes.

You can really go back in time. The back catalog is all there. We haven't deleted a single episode. It's just not in iTunes because it clogs the RSS feed because there's too much data going through it. I've been told. But so, yeah, there's totally more episodes than you think. So if you're new to the show, go to WHMpodcast.com, click on the episodes tab. There's a lot more hours of entertainment for you there.

And while you're subscribing, rate and review the show, rate and review, blame it on outer space, which is Eric's conspiracy theory comedy show. We would appreciate you doing that. It takes two seconds. It helps out the profile of both shows. That would be really awesome of you. right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com were you once a jason leehead did you spend weeks downloading a movie illegally for it to be dream catcher we all hate movies at gmail dot com like us on facebook and follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast uh clue for next week's episode oh okay this is going to be it's let me just say it's going to be deeper in the catalog than you might think but dennis hopper

yeah there you go that's i know that's like not going to help you that much? No, but it's okay. I feel like I always jinx us because I'm like, oh, I'll give you two. And then people put it, people put together Canvas. Someone guessed Canvas last week. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. So, yeah, I'll eliminate one and also solicit for that. Okay.

It's not the film White Star. Which is amazing. No, which is a great movie. Me and Steve Winton saw it at the spectacle theater here in New York. If you own a copy of White Star and have one just to send our way, email we all hate movies at gmail.com. We'll give it a good home. I haven't seen it yet.

I really want to check out White Star. So it's not White Star. It's also not easy ride. But you know what? Going along with the White Star thing, it is from the 1980s. Oh, right. There you go. So Dennis Hopper, the 1980s, do with that what you will.

Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. This is our 20th year coming out here. hole in the wall. And fuck me, Freddie. Here's to 20 more.

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