We Hate Movies - S4 Ep150: My Science Project

Episode Date: March 25, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang tries (and fails) to travel through time with Fisher Stevens and Dennis Hopper in the forgotten sci-fi dud, My Science Project! Why did the script call for all those slurs? How does this time travel movie not feature any time travel? And how do you boil Dennis Hopper down into such a nothing character? Plus: A kid from 1985 travels to a McDonald's...in 1998. My Science Project stars John Stockwell, Danielle von Zerneck, Fisher Stevens and Dennis Hopper; directed by Jonathan R. Betuel. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into our fine program. If you are new to We Hate Movies, this week, we're doing a real forget-me-not-moving man.

1985's My Science Project, directed by Jonathan Bittool. This is one for the ages. It's just nuts. It's just been forgotten by time. And here's my thing about this movie. I feel this movie would be much more remembered. and perhaps appreciated if not

for one Fisher Stevens I mean maybe he's the problem I mean that he's the big problem he is the big problem that's the one in the center jewel of this shit pile is Fisher Stevens and his

the fucking dialogue he's asked to go through in this movie now this is the same year as weird science came out so clearly only one high school sci-fi comedy could could win out in the budding heads. This is this in what, 1985?

85. It's back to the future as well. Back to the future. Yeah. They loved science fiction high school. I kind of feel like this is like if you put like, you put this movie in that Willie Wonka machine that fucking like splits things into atoms and they all go up in the air.

Yeah. Like you throw that thing in there and all of a sudden you'd see the fucking return of the Jedi. See back to the future. You see Christine's like you see all these fucking science fiction like TV shows and movies. and movies, because this is fucking reference crazy, like nobody's business. Oh, yeah. We're talking about all sorts of better movies

in this movie than what we're actually watching. One thing to say about Wanka Technology, though, that shit's built the last, everlasting gobstopper. I know. This is not. People forgot about it. They forgot about the titular project of my science project.

You know, number one problem, Fisher, Steve. Number two, the title. Yeah. What the fuck is that? Nobody works on anything in this. I'd rather have it called science project or how about magic box? Well, I feel like my science project, that's just like making

kids think about school. Yeah. I'm going to the movies on Saturday. I don't want to think about going to school. Yeah. I mean, when you Oh, one for my science project please. I'm expecting to see a paper machet volcano. Yeah, I think like it's

going to be like a romantic comedy about like and I mean, it starts this way about like a jock who needs to get his science project done and he meets a nerdy girl. So I'm thinking, okay, this works out, you know, they're going to help each other make this volcano. She's going to give him, you know, you know, Alka-Seltzer or whatever the fuck.

And, you know, he's going to erupt everywhere all over her face. Multiple way. What? Oh, my God. See how I snuck that one right under you? Yep, yeah. It was a real, uh, it was a real low and inside fastball there,

cabin. That's his style. And I mean, we haven't got to yet, but I mean, the, the titular project, what they call the project. Yes. It's, to me, it just looks like somebody went to, I guess, like the first Spencer's gifts. And just like fucking cobbled together whatever was $10. Well, you're, you're absolutely right because it's got that. It's the touch globe. Right. In the, yeah. But this was, I think this was before Spencer's gift, gifts. This might be Spencer's gift, like the original. To the world. the original like spencer's like spencer worked in the prop department from my science project yeah and he's like wait a minute i could sell all this goofy shit plus blacklight posters and t-shirts for fat guys all in one store now that guy's a fucking billionaire probably hawaiian tropic bikini posters sure why not absolutely so by the way the real quick gist of this movie is jock has a science project due uh or else he fails and doesn't graduate high school so he stumbles across some discarded alien technology that opens holes in time.

Right. Well, something, something Dennis Hopper. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, let's,

okay, so let's just, let's kick it off at the high school. He meets that nerdy girl. She kind of wants a date with him. Yeah. And he's like, okay.

So, I feel like there's some sort of, I don't think they meet there. Like, because the way he treats this girl, I feel like they were like childhood friends. that just sort of grew up and grew into different clicks kind of a thing, because she's like,

hey man, you know, I really need a date for this dance. You know, she works on the yearbook committee and she's like, you know, they're going to vote me spinster of the year or whatever it is. I was like, I don't think that's a yearbook category. I don't think most kids know what a spinster is. Or it's like, what does she say, like most likely to become a spinster or something like that?

Meanwhile, by the way, it's a classic case of this is a totally pretty girl with nerd glass. glasses on. Oh, wow, look at this pig. Look at this nerd that couldn't possibly get a date. She's also wearing like the fucking puppy sweaters and shit like that. And I mean, I mean, they do dumb her. I mean, I guess that is true.

But you do wonder like what exactly. Because right before they meet, he gets dumped by this girl. And like, he goes through this whole thing. Like, he's like, what, I fed you? I gave you rides places. And now you're just going to dump. me like I'm a loser like dude yeah

if that's what you think it is then yeah I fed you I took you for walks what else do you need I can brush your cocaine you're describing what you do with dog right why am I getting dumb oh man talking about fucking the pooch

yeah oh wait that was on our true detective bonus episode which is already out well yeah it's it's already out in our app and band camp page so if you want to understand what that jokes about I guess you'll just have to pick that episode up. Joke Jacks. Yes.

So, I mean, the movie starts with him. He needs a science project. He needs to pass. And Dennis Hopper is telling him that you have to get, you know, you're this genius. This guy who works on cars all the time. You should be able to make this science project, no problem. Let's talk about Dennis Hopper for a second.

In the opening credits, I thought this was great. It said, and Dennis Hopper as Bob. Yeah. that's all you're going to get that's all this character is I mean he is playing a real like hey man I was there man I saw the 60s man

oh my God and he made a career he made like a mini career after you know in the 80s and 90s doing just that another movie it's flashback for instance with Kiefer Sutherland but one interesting thought that made me think of another role of his was

at the end of he talks basically when he tells this kid like he needs to do aces science project or like fail kid like starting to walk out he just takes like a hit of oxygen yeah he takes out this oxygen tank and it's just like fucking Frank Booth

well that's what I'm saying it's like fucking references I know here that's still a year off though that movie I believe blue velvet's 86 do you think maybe he just had the script at the time was like I'm gonna start start doing this oxygen like let's get it in early I mean I was expecting him like to set the scene the

the bell rings the class is dismissed he calls the jock up which by the way his name is michael played by john stockwell who was an actor for a little bit he's directed a bunch of stuff and now he does a lot of i think it's just i just say of christine he's the dude from christine is he in anything else major i don't think anything particularly major he's you know he's in top gun i forget i forget who he plays he's in top gun oh yeah he's one of the but he's just he's a very successful TV director now. Is he related to Dean? I don't know if he's related to Dean Stockwell, but that's not a name

you see a lot. Yeah. So I don't know. He doesn't particularly look like Dean Stockwell. It could be. It could be some cousins. But he's like you know, he's like, you got to finish your science project or you're not going to graduate. Class clears out. And then Hopper's just sitting there and he pulls out this tank with a tube on it and hits it.

And he's like, oh, the 60s. And in my head, I'm just like, Daddy wants to fuck. I was like, oh man, wish I could turn Lou Velvon. Nope, have to watch this movie. And also by the way, before we well, no, before she

asks him out, he drops a bomb on her. Haven't seen Return of the Jedi. Oh my God. I couldn't believe it. I have the same note right here. I can't believe you said that. Oh, my God. It's so, I, what?

Come on. She's like, quizzing him. Like, you're the last guy I need for, you know, quotes for the yearbook or stats for the yearbook or whatever you know she's like did you what do you think a return of the Jedi or she just I think she's such a fan she's like what did you think a Jedi and he's like I don't know didn't see it

what the fuck were you doing two years ago yeah I mean I think there was now there was kind of a backlash against return of the Jedi for the EWalk stuff well sure but like but that's after people went and saw it though there's no one complaining on the internet that's true that's this guy so

if he's a senior in 1985 he's a sophomore in 1983 when Jedi comes out. Sorry, every sophomore on the planet went and saw return to the Jedi. Not this guy. It was too busy tuning up his car. Or a vet or whatever. Yeah. It's a

GTO, I think, maybe. Man, weird is not the people to talk to cars about it. You know what? Here's the most I can tell you about a car. I know how to drive it and I know how to put gas in it. That's about it. But no, he's also got this car car loving buddy of his

Vince Litello Very Italianly played By our good friend Fisher Stevens And my God is this just the worst You know Here's just a little bit of Fisher Stevens Talking in this movie

Swept off of her Yeah I just swept her off of feet All right with the left Hey a girl pulls that back in Brooklyn I swear Bam all Oh okay Vince That's it for an hour and a half

That's mostly what you get And majority of his dialogue Is the reason for all those references Yeah because he speaks almost entirely referencing TV shows. It's like the fucking Abed character from community 20 years before. Like this guy is just nonstop talking about TV. I mean, I think fucking Dennis Miller took his whole caricature from this.

I mean, like fucking just bam, bam, bam, bam, Mr. Spock. Like, he calls a big Texas like law man. Mr. Spock for no reason. Doesn't make any sense. You are right. He does have a little of the Dennis Miller. Also, the old Dennis Miller. cue that clip of him saying the F word

and it doesn't end in K. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even know what we want to play that. No. I mean, he drops it twice. He does. It's a big old F ends in a T. Twice, big old ones.

That's another reason why this movie is maybe also forgot. It's really disarming, like watching something in 2014. And that happens. It's like just so casually. And it's a hard F too. It's pretty harsh. He's really hatefully saying that. He's not looking around or anything.

He's just free form and that's just in his dialogue. I can fly this one right out. So by the way, the whole like prologue to this movie, 1957, there's a UFO crash. Right. And it's basically just a play off of Roswell, even though this whole movie takes place in California. It's all off screen. you never see the UFO crash you hear like the dialogue of like

these like you know Air Force guys or whatever been like oh my God it's gonna crash and it's just like my science project over black yeah and then you do see like the Air Force lead like the scientist guy to to the spaceship and it's just like

a matte painting it's really bad I actually read that there were alien dummies made up for like corpses but they scrapped it so it's like basically the Roswell crash and the scientist is just like I don't want to deal with this just destroy it like this this dude's solution for like a worldwide like history making event you know what take it apart fuck it like take it apart and then put it in like this subterranial shed

out in this air force base yeah that you can you can fall through as we see spoiler alert Yeah, so basically what happens is, like, the nerd girl wanted that date, and they're going to go and hang out that night. But it turns out he's taking her to the Air Force base to break into it to get a science project because he doesn't want to make one of his own. He'd rather just steal something from the fucking military and bring it to school. My big question for John Stockwell is, do you know what a project is? Do you know what, like, it's something you have to work on. And you don't just, like, look on the floor and be like, oh, that's a project. I'm going to pick it up and show to Dennis Hopper.

Well, he says something about, like, you know, he's like, I'm not, you know, I'm not good at science, but I am good at repairing machines. So I just figured we'd wander onto this Air Force junkyard and see if there's something I can't soup up. But like, seriously, what is your end game? Like, you soup up what? A jet engine? And then it's like, well, where did you get all these parts to make a jet engine, John Stockwell? Like, something's got to give here in your house of cards built with. lies. And I'm sorry, like, knowing how to fix a car as well as he seemingly does. Yeah, he's a, he's a real carways. You have to be smart. That's not like a thing that just a dumbass knows. Like, some, you have to be pretty fucking smart to know that shit. But Dennis Hopper forbids him from doing some sort of car thing because he says like, oh, can't I just refurbish an engine block or whatever? And he's like, no, man, you do that all the time, man. You know, back in the 60s, we really worked for things, man. I want you to do something.

original man you have to cut a cardboard and show me how to molecule spits man well that's what's great too it's like the start of that scene he's like okay everyone we're gonna go around the room and tell me man what your science project is and this girl's just like yeah like well i thought i'd make a volcano and put baking soda and vinegar in it that's great man who's next i just switched to sank okay man, I'm coming down really hard, man. And then when they talk to him after class, he's like, I got to go, man.

Anti-war reunion. Oh, yeah. He's getting together with his old protest buddies. Oh, man. Shut up. Living in the past, man. There's shit to protest today. You know what's another word that's

overused in this film, aside from homophobic slurs? is people saying chow yeah it's chow babe and chow man oh i think it probably it probably just got to the united states at this point right right yeah well this was like ground zero well it's it's the 80s so like that's when america started really dipping into like italian fashion and shit so i think that kind of you're right like that word was just hitting this continent but everybody is saying it and it's obnoxious like it's not just

Fisher-Stevens but of course he's the biggest offender of it but everybody's just like all right hey chow chow i'll see you later chow chow man you know it's everybody's saying it i'm like you don't realize how stupid you sound as an english speaker saying chow to someone hey man musulini was a monster okay let's just all fucking take it down and not shit i love trendy greetings as much as the next guy man I'm liking this Dennis Hopper impression

so they go on this date to the military base they like sneak under this wire fence yeah real heavy security here there's planes there's decovision planes guys

and he basically just falls into this pit and it's like goddamn Indiana Jones there's complete with a snake yeah there's a snake crawling around I'm like All right. Well, that's not what this movie is, but okay.

Oh, I'm scared. You did it. Next scene. And yeah, he's stumbling around this cave, you know. It's not a cave. I mean, it's like a, it's like a fallout shelter. It's kind of like where I'm fucking the Terminator and John Connor find all those guns in T2. Yes.

They're just fucking pulling it up like, yeah. So instead of that, it's dusty old alien artifacts, I guess. Just left lying around like an old wrench set. Not even stored indoors. Come on. Rainwater is getting in there. I know it's California and it doesn't happen much, but it happens sometimes, right? So like he grabs this, this, it's basically a boot, like we said before, it's a boombox

with the Spencer's gift stuff pasted on it. Yeah. I don't even know what you call those things, but it's like, I, well, now I'm just going to refer to him as Spencer's gift. Yeah. It's Spencer's greatest gift. The ball with the light. right it's like touch it and it goes whatever that thing is it's spencer's gift yeah the original gift

yeah it's it's that sitting inside of a boom box with some green lights on it i mean it's the prop department c minus by the way the military finds this fucking i understand they're bringing a scientist into you're telling me military intelligence doesn't have some interest in what the fuck this thing yeah this is the united states of america how have we not exploited this until it's nothing. Every other movie like this is about how the government's going to exploit it. So why wouldn't you just have the government exploit it? Oh, yeah, man.

That shit crashed in 1957 and all these years, like 18 years later, it's still just sitting around or, what would that be, 28 years later? And honestly, that's how you make it a better movie? Like, how about he steals something that they actually want? And now you've got the government like scurting the town. Maybe they'll blast it off the face of the earth. Who knows? The military does not have much of a presence, if at all, in this movie.

So basically his date, this nerd girl, just starts screaming because there's a rat there. So the security guards find out, and they wrestle one out to go and get her. And it's like this giant fat guy with a dog, which he keeps on a leash, okay? So the guy crawls out of this pit with his alien artifact, grabs the girl, is able to escape under the fence before this guard can get anywhere. near them. Uh, fucking Hinkle is just like sweating and like trying to get through his cheeseburger as he runs. Like listen, real world version of this, they're shot dead. Oh, big time, you know, big time.

Big alarms, big lights just fucking shining down on you. This is not just like a podunk operation. Yeah, there's a helicopter getting launched. There's cavity searches, dead or alive. Why would you need a cavity search? He's holding the boom box. You never know, man. You never know what else he got away.

I mean, fucking... Half of him might be down there. He could have... I mean, who knows what they shoved down in this goddamn hole. But also, you know, who knows what he shoved in his own hole, what he found down there. And then, you know, you don't want some, like, overzealous funeral director who likes trophies.

Yeah. To find something. You know, because those guys will dig through areas and find things sometimes, probably. Well, it's kind of like when you used to walk by a pay phone, you got to check to see if a quarter fell down. That's what fuel directors are. They do that all the time.

You never know what a corner is going to fall out. I just imagine some corner, like, just, like, turning over and, like, it's just some kid's asshole. He just has a metal detector over it. Hey, weren't you in Top Gun? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Ooh, you have a prize inside you. So this kid's home life, by the way, is pretty wretched. He's got a shit-eating father that's, like, fucking the Mary Kay lady.

I can't. This is so. Avon calling here for a sex rome. And the easiest way to make your fucking father figure a scumbag is like he's getting fed like sardines by this woman. It's Chinese food. Yeah. There's cartons everywhere.

And a dog is there eating Chinese food out of a carton while they're having their sexual warplay. Like this dude's getting like deadled and like they're making out with like low mane dripping between their mouths. Just fucking MSG all over their. Like, listen, you want to bring, like, fruit into the bedroom. That's fine. Just room temperature Chinese food.

Get out of here with that. Ooh, I got this Mugu guy pan for you tonight. Oh, take off your fucking boxer shorts. Like, God damn, guys. It's working for me. Oh, man, I'm so hard just looking at these scalyan pancakes. Oh. Man, you must be general, so I'm saluting you.

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which stands for we hate movies. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough. I lived at home until I was about 25, and for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of

drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time, and the last piece, which didn't come until my early 30s, was therapy. And man, I wish it came along sooner. Ever since I started sitting down as a licensed therapist, I've had a place to voice my insecurities and try to fashion plans to help me achieve my goals. So that's why I'm thrilled were sponsored by BetterHelp. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online,

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WHM today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com slash W-HM. Oh, man. Like, it's just fucking disgusting. So this kid comes home to this, by the way, and he's like, huh, well, this is disgusting. Come along, Fido.

Let's go in my bedroom so you're not horrified. Or they bring you into the act. Yeah, that's not out of the pit. Yeah, I mean, if they're doing that, peanut butter ain't that far off. They may have already passed peanut butter. Yeah, I mean, this might be, I mean, this is a sexual odyssey for this fella. Thank God there wasn't any Thai food there. Peanut sauce all over the place.

I mean, if the Greek and the fedda, I don't even want to think about it. So this guy's like, oh, son, you're home early. This fine lady was selling cosmetics. It isn't what you think. You know, this guy's like, all right, whatever, you're disgusting. I'm about to throw up. I'm going to go in my room now and watch, you know, I guess Bill and Ted's or something. By the way, when they flee the marine junkyard or whatever, the car breaks down, like right outside of town because the devices, like, it does weird stuff to electrical, you know, appliances and yeah, anything with energy.

So like the motor totally dies out. And this dude is so cool. He refuses to walk into town because if he walks into town, man, then everybody's going to know. that he broke down. Yeah, he's got too much car. He's got too much car pride. It's the most, it's the silliest fucking thing. And she's just like, listen, I know you're like this like jock, gearhead jerk, but, uh, really?

What are we going to do? His solution, which is less humiliating to him, is calling up Fisher Stevens and having Fisher Stevens push him in Fisher Stevens' own car. Brooklyn boy, Brooklyn boy. Oh, gosh. CB radio like he stops a truck to use the radio not for a ride into town. He stops it to call Brooklyn Boy because that's his call sign. Brooklyn Boy is elbow deep with this Cindy Lopper girl.

I thought it was Cindy Lopper for a second. I was like 1985. It fits. She could do it. I mean. Yeah, but girls just want to have fun, but not with Fisher Stevens. Yeah. That was the first cut.

That was the edit. The first version of the song was, Girls just want to have fun without Fisher Stevens. It might have been. So it's the next day, and he brings this boombox with Spencer's gift inside the workshop, the auto body workshop at school. And him and Fisher Stevens are like messing around with it. And of course, they hook it up to car batteries because we don't know anything else.

And this guy is like, okay, Fisher Stevens, like, here's my science project. And the only time Fisher Stevens is even remotely lodged. in this movie he's like well how is this a project he's like oh hey you didn't build it a nothing how is this a project you don't even know what it is and they're like well how are we going to test what it is hook it up to a car battery and it just sends this thing going crazy

you know it kind of looks like this like vertical beam of light jumps out of it like a ghostbusters trap there's like force lightning all over the place well I mean this is I mean it made me think of my first thought was from beyond yeah I thought because I mean Dennis Hopper does get sucked into this thing. Spoiler alert.

Yeah, that's true. And I thought he was going to come back as a monster with fucking, you know, seven heads and the sprouting and all the. And this is where they kind of realize like there's something with time here. Because there's a Greek, an ancient Greek vase materializes in front of them. And then they're like, oh, geez, let's turn this shit off. And they not,

they get it off of the car battery and, you know, everything's fine again. But they have this priceless work of art now. How about the rest of the movies, them selling it? Yeah, there's a road show comes to town. And it would work out nicely because, of course, Fisher Stevens is an 80s comedy sidekick. So all he cares about is making a fast bug, right?

Like his first thing is like, we should call 60 minutes. We could get a real sick amount of money for this thing. And I'm like, just please stop with the get rich quick schemes. Please, for two seconds, 1980s movies, can we not have this? But no, no, no, no. All he cares about is we got to sell this device. blah, blah, blah. Yet he doesn't think to sell this priceless artifact

also doesn't think to himself, I could just replicate more of these maybe if I learn how to use this device properly. None of that happens here. Well, I mean, since the fucking military isn't interested in it and the, I mean, the higher government isn't interested in, fuck it. Go to

Donald Trump and fucking sell it. Oh, my God, no. What are you talking? Well, because then there's an actual, there's a biff-like villain. You took the biff right out of my mouth. Because if anyone would create the alternate 1985 from Back to the Future, too, it's Donald Trump. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I feel like that's what was the thinking behind it was that Biff was Donald Trump. It's terrifying. And also, this movie just doesn't have a villain. Like, it's just the thing. You know who's the most villainous in this movie? And it's kind of weird because it's really against type for this stereotype character. There is an evil nerd in this movie. Yep.

Sherman. Well, the thing is, Sherman is a nerd, and Sherman wants to date Ellie, who is a nerd. And they're both within the same cast system. Yeah. So it's supposed to make sense.

But she's trying to jump the system to get this, you know, fucking Han Solo car jockey motherfucker. I mean, I took a look. And so he's got a right. He's got a right to be a little piece.

I mean, I took a look at Crystal, his ex. I don't know. You don't have to do too much work, honey. I mean, I mean,

I understand. stand it, you know, Sherman, I feel for you, you know, the, the pretty girl with the glasses who doesn't know she's pretty well, apparently she does, because she's trying to get John Stockwell, but like, I get it. But like, this guy, he like

contracts out bullies. That's what's weird. Oh, shit. Remember the bullies because they're barely in the movie, but there's like he's there. I remember them now, but I totally forgot that. Yeah, fuck Sherman, man. Sorry about that. They're bullies who hate Michael's guts for some reason.

We don't really know why. I think it's just because they're jealous of how good he is with cars. They're like, oh, man, we can't figure out transmissions the way he can. Let's kill him. Yeah, that's their reasoning. What the fuck? But so then it's like this nerd Sherman comes together with these bullies and they're like, wait a minute, we have a common ground of hating this guy. Let's join forces to ruin his life by doing such things as putting shaving cream all over his car.

You know, really getting him good. That'll teach him. By the way, while wearing a Darth Vader helmet and two Stormtrooper helmets while they do this, which is another thing that I'm like, this is why the movie has been buried forever because Lucas licensing slapped a lawsuit on this. You're probably right. You're probably totally right. Oh, wait a minute. I'm sorry.

Did I see in this new My Science Project film that there's some Stormtroopers and a Mr. Vader's present? Well, this movie's not going to see the lucky. a day at all, you fucking scumbags. I just skull-fucked your movie. How you like that? Might as well called it my Star Wars project. It kind of is. It kind of is this guy's Star Wars project.

He was like, I watched Star Wars. I watched some other science fiction movies. This is my project on how I tried to make one. So they activate this device and then they're like, oh man, we're late for Dennis Hopper's science final. They got the science project and there's also my science final that they have to get to. And they go out to the classroom or whatever

and they're walking across the campus and all of a sudden all the kids start leaving for the day. And they're like, whoa, hang on a second. You know, what's going on? Why is everyone going home? We have this science final. And Fisher Stevens looks at a clock and says, stay tuned.

We just went two hours into the future. Because again, he's obsessed with television. And if you haven't gotten it yet, here's another thing stay tuned everybody it's just it's too much for me to even fucking deal with so dennis hopper's all pissed off at him like hey man you guys cut my science final man how could you do that to me man you're breaking my heart here and they're just like they're like no you don't understand we traveled through time you know and so this is where he sets up like all right come visit me nine o'clock tonight i'm going to be back at school in the science lab grading papers come in and show me the progress of your science project. And this is where shit gets really crazy. Like the setup for this movie is pretty dull. And it's like your average weird 80s comedy.

Like the first, I don't know, I mean, close to 45 minutes of this movie, it's anything. It's Chud 2. It's weird science. There's nothing going on. I mean, to me it was more of like, it is kind of a body parts kind of structure where the first hour I'm like, okay, this is fun. I guess this is par for the course. And then the last 30 minutes, you're like, what the fuck is even happening?

It's really imbalancing that way. It's like if you want to have a movie that gets like, you know, like it crescendos into weird. That's okay. But this movie is really like nothing, nothing, nothing. The strangest shit you've ever seen. An unexplored thread is Fisher Stevens initially, one of his ideas to use this device is to rob a bank with it.

oh yeah like they could like get the money from the vault with it or something so what are you gonna do you're gonna go into a bank with this fucking spencer gift pack yeah and you're gonna fucking sit there and i guess connect it to an energy source and then press the button and suddenly it's two hours later that it's two hours later it could be fucking two years later it's so it's it's his it's he doesn't understand anything about this device but all he sees his dollar sign so it's like any way i can possibly make money off of Spencer's gift, I'll have to see if I can do it. And that, yeah, that leads to nothing. Because I feel like this Fisher-Steven's character, it's just a lot of talk. Yeah. There's a lot of dreams that, you know, are just left, you know, unfulfilled. Yeah, he's just, he's always thinking of something and never, you know, following through on anything, like robbing a bank with this alien technology. Which seems just a little spurious, I got to tell you. At night, they go and they meet up with Dennis Hopper at this place. I, I, at the signs,

at the high school. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. At the high school. They hook it up to a car battery and the thing fucking goes nuts. It melts it too. It melts the car battery.

And now it's functioning on its own. Like it doesn't need a power source. Like this thing is just turned on. And Hopper's all like, oh, psychedelic man. He's like screaming this entire time. And you're just like, now come on. You're the only real name in this movie.

can we please just be a little more sane here oh it's Dennis Hopper well he finds out it's it's made of like no known metal so he gets really excited oh yeah this is alien technology now yeah but so this thing goes off and he starts getting like enveloped in like the energy waves lightening and the energy and whatever's going on there's like three different special effects coming out there's a quickening there's the force lightning there's The Ghostbusters traps? Yeah.

The Spencering. Yeah. Oh, that's what it is all together. It's called the Spencer. So he starts getting like pulled into this thing and like floating up in the air. And they're like, Bob, what's going on? And he somehow instantly gains an understanding of what this device is and just starts screaming about like seeing through time and this that and the other thing. And you're like, you start getting a funny feeling going on.

And you're like, wait a second. is Dennis Hopper not long for this film and then all of a sudden his face like contorts into a monster and he shoots up into the heavens from beyond that's the end of Bob yeah he goes to the beyond and you're like oh great now I have no anchor in this movie it's fucking Fisher Stevens and this other guy is dull as dirt John Stockwell well actually one of Hopper's last lines is what a rush well yeah man it's time travel it's the ultimate high man this is just like i saw when pink floyd did animals live man oh yeah yeah time and space bent then too gotta get roger water is one of these things man i feel feeling infinity what a right no what a ride so now it's like this device is just on and there's there's a lot of real bullshit with like the local police oh because because hopper hooks it into the the power grid or whatever after the car battery oh that's right he takes some wires and just sticks it into an outlet yeah that's what we're doing now man they fuck it man it's just the school power grid so he puts the wires in there and it goes nuts and that's where he gets sucked into time and then what happens next

it makes no sense so they're like okay if we don't stop like the electrical current that's leaving the town this thing could go anywhere they see the force lightning like going down the power lines

yes so they get into the car floor it break into a like I guess his parents it's one of his parents place or something to get dynamites one of the parents just has a stash of dynamite I don't know

I think he works at like a demolition job. Oh, yeah, the dad's business. Yeah, you're right. I don't know. I think it's another part of his fetish. Oh, no, I'm just going to fucking blow you up. I'm going to fucking blow you up. No, you're a book's bonnie.

I'm on my foot. You think they blow each other up, man? Oh, yeah, dude. The ultimate experience. Sky high, man. Oh, yeah, did a little bit of that back in the 60s, man. Back in the war. So he's driving his car

They're literally Racing an electrical current To the town limits Which you know If you know anything about electricity I mean Which I'm not saying I do But

I thought it would go Every which way I would think it's be instantaneous It's gone It's everywhere Yeah Not only is electricity It's alien electricity

I would imagine That's even faster Oh it would got to be And like fucking You're doing what 120 down the fucking road But wouldn't there be another one going the other direction

too? Like wouldn't this lightning just multiply now like like grimlins in your phone line? You're just done for. This is not a race against time. You're done for. And so here's this movie. They've they've established the fact that this thing is somehow able to open doorways through time and whatever.

So I'm like, okay, it's a time travel movie. Right? So here they are. They're racing down the road. This electrical currents going. And all I can think about is the original plot for Back to the Future, like before they came up with the DeLorean and everything, how the time machine was built out of a refrigerator, and the only way you could travel through time was like a nuclear detonation or something. So it ended with like Marty going to a testing site to be blown up to go back in time. So here I am, they're racing in a car. They're going 120 miles an hour. This like lightning is just going down. And I'm like, they're going to, something's going to explode. And a vortex is going to open. And they're going to shoot through time. right in this like hot rod so i'm like okay that's cool time travel and hot rod it's 1985 so like you know

they're not ripping off back to the future because they don't know that it exists right no that's not what happens they outrun this current and he pulls over and they're like oh good we got ahead of this current enough i can stop the car get out and and rig this electrical tower with fucking dynamite that i found 20 minutes of work yeah At least this is 20 minutes of work. And you're fucking chasing electricity. Yeah, he instantly gets everything together for this controlled demolition of this electrical tower. And, you know, they have to, again, we're hooking everything up to car batteries in this movie.

It's like the detonator doesn't work. So he's got to hook it into his car. And because the car is just this magical, you know, auto sex god thing. It just blows this tower. And they're like, okay, good. we stopped everything and I'm just like no you stopped your opportunity to make a time travel movie by the way insanely dangerous because they the car is parked right next to this tower he's basically on top of it when he blows it up and could have taken them all out man yeah by the way this is and like I mean this is like an act of terrorism as far as I'm concerned oh yeah this you're calling in the FBI there yep there are thousands of people without power for weeks yeah this is is a humongous deal and they're just like fuck it it's a vortex deal with it sorry vortex related demolition yeah there's nothing we could do it only local pedi can deal

with it oh you kids and your science projects so then the bullies and the nerd turn them all in and they get arrested for everything and you're like okay so now we're like processing through a police station this is exciting i thought i signed up for a time travel wheel like But this is seriously, this is the only time travel movie that features no time travel. I'll tell you what's exciting is when this kid now, now they have to like go, he sneaks into his bedroom late at night. And there's just, it's just a lone figure there smoking a cigar. Look, giving him the up and down, be like, you're, you're home awfully late, aren't you boy? He's got a cowboy hat.

It is a detective. The law is there. What a weird way to introduce yourself to this kid. Yeah, but like, oh, excuse me, can I, oh, your son's wanted for questioning. Can I, can I wait in his bedroom with the lights off smoking a cigar? Is that okay? But then they fucking act like when the parents do come in, they act like, oh, how did you get in here? So he must have snuck into the kid's room.

I don't even, I mean, yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, we don't mind if you wait in there smoking a cigar in the dark. I'm going to be in the other room fucking a bubbly pizza like what are you you know you have to know that this dude is in there and you would at least smell it

yeah there's fucking smoke billowing out of it okay that smells like a pepperoni pizza okay that smells like old sesame chicken yep got that uh marlene that's your perfume

that you came to the door selling uh no no one in this room is smoking a big honking cigar that has to be coming from somewhere else in the house I mean, I smell the rotting kiwis and the cauliflower, but some reason I can't figure out where that cochiva's coming from. What's that? No, it's not the burrito I'm fucking.

I can smell that. I mean, and this is, he's played by Richard Masser, who I, he's a huge, he's been in like everything. But the only thing I can think of right now, he's in a board of death. He's just in Schwartzman's father. Really hamming it up here, which is fine, because it's someone who's hamming it up, but it's tolerable unlike Fisher Stevens. so yeah they just they get taken downtown there's a there's again it's very offensive there's

uh the other homophobic slur tossed at this uh this female detective who fisher stevens decides to have this interaction with and i'm like man you just have this like quote lovable sidekick who's just this big homophob piece of shit yeah he's garbage i mean i know it's 1985 so that was okay back then but it's like why would you choose to have this in this movie. Yeah, why would you put it in the movie? A much stronger movie would be, I mean, fucking, obviously he has no father figure

because look what he goes home to, but like, have fucking Fisher Stevens get sucked up into the vortex. Like, I give a shit about him. And keep Dennis Hopper in this movie and they have, who has the intellect to deal with it. Well, speaking of Dennis Hopper and speaking about,

you know, the pigs that hassle him. Oh, yeah, he's just pigging all. Oh, man, I don't have anything to say to you pig man so the cops are like really grilling these kids if they know where Bob Roberts is

Dennis Hopper he's gone missing if there's any act of domestic terrorism it's probably an anti-war protester so where is he yeah totally that's like the only like why else would they be looking for him yeah yeah exactly like oh

oh yeah this machine's going off in this hippie science teachers you know, lab, he must be conducting some sort of active, like, you know, chemical terrorism or something. It's fucking enriched uranium in that shit. So before we can get into a police procedural, because it would be just as exciting as anything else that's happened in this movie, the, like, the machine starts really going into overload mode here. And, you know, they, I believe they've, because the girl doesn't get arrested, they send the girl to the school to, like, turn it off or something and when she gets there

the thing's really overloading and she like gets knocked unconscious and everything so then the last like the third act of this movie is like we just it's a video game like we have to venture through the school get up to the top level and save her but I got to I got to mention like when this is all going on the power goes out at the police station right and it is fucking nuts like

it's just chaos and Fisher Stevens like hey let's get out of here so they just run out of this police station and this great exterior shot of this police station where it's all going crazy and there's inmates you know there's prisoners or people who were just arrested running out into the streets

like Arkham is just unleashed there's bombs it's not it's not electronic locks yet it's still a fucking key into a lock there are criminals cackling in the streets cackling like it's it's chaos man

chaos reigns like that is what's going on and you're just like this is a small town jail like why are all these people arrested and put it in here by the way like what is happening right now and by the way when the lights go out in a police station

I expect a Terminator to show up I expect a generator to kick in Terminators, generators whatever same difference but yeah you're right like really this is the one power so I guess this like alien device it might also be capable

of knocking out a generator or two okay but let's look at let's look at the faulty logic from the other side wait the police just want to question me about my science teacher i better escape custody immediately yeah and steal one of their cars too what the fuck sure yes he steals i got speaking of arkham they're riding like the fucking joker hanging out the back on this squad car fisher stevens mentioned something about like i've always wanted to do this i'm like really you've always wanted to steal a police car those are some uh weird goals you've said for yourself so that he could finally bust the you know what's I get them all round them all up yeah so he can go on some ridiculous homophobic rampage

this fucking hate spewing character but it's all but he's the affinity for the police car in the uniform so like he's he's a complex character battling with himself he's basically Hitler but I mean he's a fucking string bean and he like tries to shoot a fucking shotgun and I was expecting a like a naked gun joke where he goes flying 50 feet yeah totally because i mean this guy can't take the kick no no he cannot he also by the way uh dresses like he's one of the fucking teabirds from greece yeah it's really really obnoxious oh it real the levels of i'm a brooklyn guy is just insufferable oh isn't it just great he's this tough guy from brooklyn and every ninth word out of his mouth is brooklyn see the thing

is I would try to do an impression of it but you know what I care about our audience and I care about their ears and I don't want them to have to deal with what I had to deal with I had they probably already heard the clip they know what's going on yeah yeah you know what you're once you're putting up with for 96 minutes or whatever it is man oh man he yeah but the thing is he's not even from brook like okay he was there as a as a child for a few years and then he grew up in suburban in California. Yeah. So let's tone it down, Brooklyn, boy.

I'm coming, I'm coming. But if I'm going to wind up in another dimension like Barbarino, I'm going in there packing. So the machine's overloading. We have to get to the high school because we have to save, you know, our lady friend from possible total annihilation. Right. It's going full vortex over this school now. And so this is where stuff really starts getting messed up.

So they break into the school. By the way, they team up with the evil nerd at this point. Like, the evil nerd is sort of like, what have I wrought on the school? Oh, no. I love the school books. The school books. But Sherman, like, my thing with the fucking Sherman is like, he's like, oh, well, oh, Ellie's in trouble?

Okay, well, I could probably shut this thing down. This alien device that can split time and space, you shut it off. Well, he's well read. I guess, yeah. That's, yeah, so they know everything. Yeah, I mean, I guess you need, you know, Walden a couple times and you first fucking know how to do it. Dude, nerds can do everything in movies.

That's what they're there for. Get that fuck out of here, man. So they walk into the school and they're like, oh, gee, something doesn't really seem right here. And you realize what the gimmick of this movie is. And it's not time travel. It's like, it's dry ice. Yeah. All, all, like, walks of, like, time are phasing in and out of.

this school and it's not like oh you know my high school in the 50s uh you know this california land when it was the old west it's not like random history stuff just random history floating into this including one of the most ridiculous things like i don't know how you make an error like this when you're making a movie but he's saying like oh there's all these people from all these different times and you see like a cowboy phases in and out and there's like a Roman soldier or something. They're Nazis. You see two Nazis.

One of the Nazis is played by an Asian actor. What are we doing? What are you doing? And it's a Nazi ghost, by the way. It's not like the action. They actually do come in eventually. But the first couple ones are like spirits of time. Yeah, there's a little bit of, they're like translucent kind of.

Well, the thing about the Nazi ghost, the Nazi Asian ghost is. okay yeah all right man i mean you're thinking about it like that it's 1945 or whatever you're not thinking about this fourth dimensionally man but but also sure it could be a not an alternate dimension where the nazis were asian or it's from the future man have you ever thought about that man maybe the nazis come back man uh you know what i did and it's disproved by the fact that the future representation in this movie are a bunch of mutants it's star trek nemesis it's like who gives a fuck. They're like, they're like, I give it fuck.

They're like, oh, oh no, now there's mutants must be after the atomic war. What atomic war? What are you even talking about Fisher-Stevens? You don't have some prior knowledge of the future events. Yeah, of course, the atomic war that happened 50 years from now. Anyone in the 1980s had a firm understanding that eventually we would nuke Russia and Russia would nuke us back. Right.

That would be the atomic war. And then, you know, 50 years later, we'll be fine. It just turns into threads for some reason. We'll be mutants with laser blasters. That makes total sense. That works. Sure. So then the tone of this movie changes very drastically.

So there's like two huge changes, right? The first change is like, this is just a dull teen comedy. Then boom, Dennis Hopper sucked into a vortex violently. Okay, that's weird. Now it's, oh, there's this weird machine that we have to turn off. And you're like, okay, it's getting weird. There's like time ghosts and whatever else. all of a sudden they run across this gladiator and this gladiator like starts fighting our main character michael

and this is where fisher stevens lets his other f-bomb drop about the fact that this gladiator is wearing a two-two thusly he is a f-word so yeah fisher stevens drops that and you're like oh god i hate you i hope this gladiator kills you and then michael gets in a fight with this guy and their fight and all of a sudden the movie takes a weird turn where Michael gets a knife and just starts jamming it into this guy's fucking lung cavity. He's shitting him. He's really just going and it gets, it's really violent. He kills him. He brings him from another time into his time and murders him. What if the guy was important? Yes. Yes, they have no, there's no understanding of the space time continuum, fucking with the past like that. Yeah, that was Spartacus. Also, what? First he kills Neanderthal man. Let us not forget. There's

There's, there's a, no, well, no, the, the, the, the, the gladiator is first because it's the first, you're like, holy fuck, like, that's a bad. Are you sure? Yes, because then they're like, they're like, oh, wow, that was weird. And they turn a quarter and then there's a Sasquatch. Oh, you know what I was thinking about is how Fisher Stevens was always, was about to let the world go into, I guess, you know, time vortex hell, because he might fuck Cleopatra. Oh, that's right. Yeah, Cleopatra walks through and he's like, don't mind me, fellas, I'll be over here for a minute. And you're like, oh, I hope her bodyguards kill you.

The Appetcher, turn down Kings, motherfucker. Read some history. That's true. Get the fuck out of here. And, of course, yeah, so they, he shives this fucking gladiator who is like, I mean, it is as big as the guy with the metal mask and gladiators. This is that only thorson. Oh, that's right. Yes.

But so you're like, okay, you know, he fought him whatever. And then, like, they pull back. he pulls the knife out of him the knife's bloody you see this guy's wound and they're just like yeah you killed him and i'm like wait so now we're just murdering people like that's what this movie is like yeah cold blooded shit we just turned graphically violent in a movie that has had no graphic violence and if anything like the violence that's happened is like oh good you knucklehead like bullying shit minimal cursing just just uh those slurs just fisher stevens hate speech everyone else is you know as clean as a cosby record It's insane. And so then there's like a Sasquatch attack, and they just, they murder that. They just shoot this thing. They kill the missing link. That's why we haven't found it yet.

And we never will because Fisher Stevens shot it. And I mean, by the way, if the butterfly effect holds any water, this, I mean, everything's gone. Oh, by the way, stay tuned, I bet, huh? Oh, yeah. So they turn a corner. They go into the, now they're in the gym locker room. And obviously that amount of moisture in that area. Of course, jungle, Viet Cong.

Yep. We're back in the 60s again. I thought I fought to eradicate this man. Now we're just back here again, man. Charlie's back in the trees, man, in the palm trees, man. And how useful would Dennis Hopper's character be at this point? Like you're making a Vietnam reference. Yeah.

It's right there, but no, this guy's nowhere to be found. And instead, we just take a bunch of machine guns and sloth. Water these people. Speaking of which, the Viet Cong have a prisoner who's an American. Oh, yeah. With his own machine gun.

And then they basically help this guy kill all these Viet Cong. And then this American GI is just like, hey, thanks. Well, see you around. And what are you fucking doing? You're staying with them until you find the unit.

What are you? If I'm in the jungle and I just, you know, murder several Viet Cong, As proud as I would be, I would stay next to people and fucking figure this out. I got to get out of here safe. There's all these fucking fog machines everywhere. I am tripping balls.

I got a human contact who doesn't want to kill me. Yeah, exactly. Like one second, I'm fighting the Charlie's in a Vietnamese jungle. Yeah. The next thing I know, I'm kind of in a jungle, but all the plants are plastic. And what appears to be a men's locker room. that I'm walking through and this guy's like

well see ya what what are you even talking about maybe he went and started dating cleopatra well it's like if the end of like the first bill and ted they bring all these historical figures for their presentation which by the way

another my history project that movie but you know what that movie has actual fucking time travel and jokes oh yeah there's jokes no hate speech but you imagine Imagine if Abe Lincoln and so crates, you know, they just walk off.

They go to the food court. Well, glad we could help you with your presentation, Bill and Ted. We're off to the mall again. Instead of being like, why can't I go back to my own time? I don't know what this place is. This guy just wanders off, man. Makes no sense. But you know what, everybody?

We haven't even gotten to the craziest shit yet. Yeah, that really is nothing. And this really is just like a, it's just. just a whole video game sequence because we're like the next level of the school is the next weird time phase we walk in. Call of Duty to Tarok

Dinosaur Hunter. Oh man Tarok. I love I played so much goddamn Tarok. I cannot even tell you. I shot so many fucking evil raptors. Oh, so many dinosaurs that fucking chancellor. That guy cheats.

Guy had spark guns and shit. Fuck them. I'm just like proud of myself for knowing that I said it right. Yeah. I do not play you. You didn't play Turok? Oh, you know, dabbled. You dabbled in Turok. But no, it was not my prime, no. So after we kill

Viet Cong, what's next? This is when we kill these mutants. There's a big Star Wars laser fight because it's my Star Wars project. Yep. You know, we were really like one extended light beam away from a lightsaber. It's just... Yeah. It could have happened. I wouldn't have blinked.

And we're just murdering people. All we're doing is murdering people. Wholesale slaughter. Until we get to the princess and hopefully she's not in another castle. Yeah, then finally we can get out of Mushroom Kingdom. So they kill these mutants and you're like, all right, that's got to be it. Mutant slaughter, we've reached the future in these video games. You know, if you get to the future level, like turtles in time, you know, the game's over with.

Or when you're like racing in the stars and Mario Kart. Yeah, exactly. Once you get to like the like the rainbow bridge road. That's like Mario's futuristic road. Like that's, it's all over with. Yeah, I believe that as the infinite. It goes to Asgard, right? Because the Asgard or that nice apartment at the end of 2001 when they go beyond the infinity.

No, I just, I have this idea of like fucking Idris Elba like waving the flag in front of Mario. It could happen. Don't count out Thor 3 yet, I guess. No, so then there's just a Tyrannosaurus Rex. In the gymnasium. And to this movie's credit with the low budget that it has, there could have been a worse dinosaur. This isn't a great dinosaur effect. It's very, it's like a better carnosaur.

Like they had 10 grand more for their dinosaur than I feel carnosaur head, which that movie's kind of unwatchable. Yeah, I can't get through it. Carnosaur. But so here's this dinosaur and you're like, okay. And here's the biggest tease. of the movie. Fisher Stevens gets picked up by this T-Rex and you're like, well, here it is.

It's going to get shipped. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, Richard Schiffen. Come on, do it. Do it. Although there isn't a second T-Rex to flip them back and forth, which is the single greatest part of the Lost World Jurassic Park. The only good part of the Lost World. So,

I'm like, do it. Eat him. And I think this dinosaur was like, oh, man, this guy's offensive. I don't want to put him in my body. My body's a temple. I can't put this guy in there. Oh, man, this guy's offensive, and he keeps calling me all these homophobic slurs. I know they say the Mediterranean diet's the best, but geez, this guy's just slimy.

His skin carbohydrates, probably, right? Yeah. And so, like, this dinosaur is just like, no thanks, and drops him. And I'm like, no, dinosaur, come on. You are... Help me, dinosaur. You're our only hope here. Come on.

Nope, better machine gun this dinosaur to death. Yeah, because. Oh, man. Gladiator didn't stop him. The Viet Cong didn't stop him. No. Future warriors didn't stop him. Nope.

So you are our only hope. Get your raptors if you have to. Just come on now. And our hero blows a hole inside this dinosaur's chest. Yeah, with like a grenade launcher or something. It's a god killer. Yeah, it's, yeah, he got like the good gun. Yeah.

it's crazy blitz this dinosaur in half it explodes a fiery bloody rib cage there's an extended shot where like he like Michael looks

at the damage that he's created and you just look and it's just this cavernous hole with fire inside it and I'm like okay cut away now

I get it cut away hello hello put two and two together I got it and he's just like staring like hypnotized into this dinosaur's fucking body

no we paid for that dinosaur body we're showing the dinosaur body showed as much as possible so after we kill you know king cooper you know we get up there and you know the girl's okay and everything you touch the star and yeah exactly your theme song plays and you get the hell out of there

so she's totally fine and then our hero Michael goes up to to shut off the machine you know because he's like we can't just get out of here we have to turn this thing off and he is enveloped in this time tornado and disappears just like Dennis Hopper. And then the machine turns off. And I'm like, okay, kind of, kind of a brave ending movie.

Like our hero sacrificed to this machine, but he turned it off. He saved the day. He sacrificed himself. My science project, too, lost in time. Why not? You could do that. Sure. Michael in time.

But, no, instead, 10 seconds pass. and then he reappears without anyone doing anything and there's no explanation he says nothing about where he's been at least maybe it's a thing where he disappears 10 seconds goes by he reappears and he's an old man

you know like he's lived a life somewhere else or something like that no he just comes back and they're like yeah I guess that was close I've seen the future of Asian Nazis I don't know I was up against the stars I saw a baby, a fetus doing something.

And then Sandra Bullock was doing his moodwalk. I killed more of those Sasquatches. It's about it for me. And you said I was gone for 30 seconds. You say, wow. And there's, wait, apes aren't in charge here? Like, they're not, okay. All right.

That would be great if he comes back and he's like, guys, don't worry. 300 years from now, I stopped the rise of the planet of the apes. were set so this machine's turned off and you're like all right well that's the end of it then you know they just walk out of the school

and by this point like the fire department's there there's cops everywhere and this firefighter is just like hey you kids get away from here it's dangerous and I'm like no they just walked out of this mess like corral them over to the side and there's going to be hours of

Gitmo-esque questioning ship them off to cancer man and let's just get this over cavity searches but dead are alive cavity searches but instead they basically like they might as well walk out of this place putting sunglasses on cue

schools out for summer you think they wanted to and Alice Cooper was like I am not licensing this song for this dumb movie oh what's that you have a gem like Dennis Hopper and you get rid of him a half an hour into the movie

No, you can't have schools out for the summer. I'm sorry. You know what? Fix your script a little bit. Then we'll talk. Okay, I guess the romantics can cover schools out for summer. The filmmakers are sentenced to summer school with Mr. Schoop. Oh, yeah, man.

And Boner and chainsaw. Yeah, Dean Cameron in his glory days. So you're like, all right. Well, now this movie must be over with. Yeah, you think so. But then all of a sudden, the front door to the school bursts open, and the biggest atrocity lies ahead. Here comes Dennis Hopper. No explanation about where, you know, what happened, how he got back.

The only thing we know about Dennis Hopper is he's dressed exactly like his character from Easy Rider. Fuck you. He's got Billy's jacket and Billy's hat on, and he's been to Woodstock this whole time. was a secret easy rider too. Yes. The ride through time. By the way, you go to exactly the fucking the time you want to go to. Yeah.

Like right on the dot. Because this movie doesn't set up anything about this world of time travel. You know, if he said something. So it's just a wish that you come, that comes true? I guess that's a thing, right? Like the time you wish you were living in, maybe you could, but we don't know because this movie, this time travel. movie doesn't bother to set up

any of the logistics of time travel in this movie. There's no rules to the movie at all. Yeah, so it's just, yeah, it's just... And I mean, I do feel like this and, and a flashback, because I watched flashback a ton and stay too. You are not alone. I know up and down

Huey Walker's legacy, man. And that evil high tower. And that weird fucking, like, Celtic pride kidnapping scenario, it's just like, it's too much. Celtic pride, by the way, that's a fucking stay tuned. There's a bunch of stay tunes in this room. This is like that Wonka TV room.

All the pieces. All the stay tunes have been concentrated into this episode. Just like anything else, there's no consequences for anybody, you know, during this movie. As a matter of fact, after all of this shit happens and they're outside and Dennis Hopper's alive and everybody's happy, like, we're all standing around in front of the school. And then Michael's like, oh, wait a minute. I forgot the machine. And he just runs upstairs and grabs it. What are you even doing, movie?

You should be going in there to drag out that T-Rex to get a taxidermied. Like, first things first, take your trophy home. Maybe military intelligence in 1950 said, okay, fuck it, put it underground. Man, the 1980s, are you fucking kidding me? Military intelligence is all over this shit. Dude, Emperor Reagan is going to start incorporating that into, like, like the Star Wars program somehow. We would have like a time satellite.

Like we could concentrate and fire down time onto certain countries. So we'll just turn Russia into the Middle Ages again. Well, here's what I think we're going to do. I hope you all missed Gangus Khan. Zapp. And then they just get fucking blasted centuries into the past, man. You want to know what China was like before that wall was built? Zap.

Zap. zap he would be mad with power if he had a time laser we'd be the only country that had anything everybody else would be back to fucking feudal times man feudal times actually it would be like before the agrarian revolution like i'm gonna zap them all back so they don't even know how to fucking farm that's what i'm gonna do we're just like this like hyper future nation everyone Everyone else in the world thinks we're like aliens or something. Exactly. Thanks for nothing Emperor Reagan and your time satellite.

And I could just rule forever. I'm going to go back to making Australia a penal colony. Get ready. Oh man, that'd be a great escape sequel. Escape from Australia, like escape from New York. Oh, yeah, dude. All we needed was Reagan to do that. It's fucking Pliskin and Yahoo Sirius.

Yes. Yes. What a team. First of all, what a team. Here's the thing. Both those things are awesome. I know people will get flack to Yahoo! Serious, but...

Young Einstein's pretty fantastic. I like Young Einstein quite a bit. My question, by the way, what is... What is a snake Pliskin situation at the end of escape from L.A.? I don't remember how that moves is. He just fucking makes the world go back to... You're right. The Stone Age.

It's like the time satellite. He shuts down the world. Yeah, he's like, this thing is like an electromagnetic thing. It's like, there you go. You're back. No electronics ever going to work again. Oh, yeah. So, escape from Australia could totally work.

So, okay, but Emperor Reagan in the Snake Pliskin timeline. Right. Obviously would have defenses like Star Wars to stop this from happening to America. so everyone else goes dark from Snake Bliskin except for America and their ultra-sophisticated prison base of Australia and once

Reagan finally hunts him down in whatever Guatemalan whorehouse he sends him there and now him and Yahoo! Sirius, the comic relief prisoner. He's the Rob Schneider from Judge Tread. Steve Bouchermy and fucking escape from L.A.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, so Snake Pliskin is in Austin. Australia and then he you know this yeah who's serious knows all the ropes yeah of the prison planet that they're on now and then they just have to escape you know and the the emperor of Australia Mel Gibson yeah all perfect I think that one like there's some vague talk how they have to meet up with the rebels in Hong Kong or something take back Australia God John Carpenter is still making mildly interesting movies so he could do it yeah escape from Australia already is this fake movie is way better than my science project the only thing we can thank my science project for is birthing a great idea

like escape from Australia I mean that it's also also escape from Australia me trying to get out of that Bos Lerman movie watching that in the theater what did you get locked in I did I went with this guy Chris Kavana

I'm sorry Mr. Siska the doors are closed until the credits hit no It's just banging on the door. No. Three hours and 30 minutes. That's got to be a typo. That can't be right. Bies a ticket anyway.

Yeah, the worst decision of my life. Wow. Well, it's up there. I mean, it's in the top. I think watching Australia in the theater could be in your top ten. I've still dodged it. I just moved right on the gaspian. You know what?

You're good at that. You've dodged that. You dodged sucker punch. These are major fucking works of absolute assholes. garbage. I know, man. I've really been lucky. Watch someone come to my house and I'd strap me to a chair and make me watch

both with my eyes tied open. That'd be really cool. Escape from my apartment. So let's wrap this movie up, man. So, you know, they bring it back to the I mean, this is really stupid. They bring it back to the junkyard. He just dumps it back in the hole

and puts like the cover back on the hole and he's like, dust his hands off like, all right. That's the end of that. Let's go back into town. The car breaks down again because they're out of gas and wouldn't you know it? Our main character has gone through some sort of change because he's a fully fleshed out character. He's okay with walking back into town now. With girl in tow. Oh yeah. Because he's going to get some now. So it's I mean now he could he now his confidence is you know steady. I mean there is some scene after I think it's after like the Dennis hopper.

incident where they do like kiss a couple oh yeah I mean they're a couple now it's clear that they're a couple of

right well you know now now he knows that he's aced his science project because he gave hopper the trip of a lifetime oh that's right

Dennis Hopper's like you got an A plus on your science project man so he's graduating high school he's going to get out of this po funk po funk po dunk down

the poe funk all stars. So it doesn't matter that they all think he's a pussy for not driving a car into Tam I guess. I guess so. Yeah, he's you know, he doesn't care what other people think, man. You know,

this weird experience of murdering all these people from the past and the future and the dinosaur has made him realize, you know what, man? There's bigger things in life than being concerned about walking into town because your car broke down. Yeah, I mean, I would fucking

I would just, I can't imagine, coming back from a trip through space and time, I imagine I'm going to be in a hospital for quite some time. You'd have to be. Like, for a while, I'm probably canatonic. I didn't say that right at all. But you know what I mean. Catatonic. Catatonic. Cometose, possibly.

Yes, I would be gone. Like, it's, I'm not here anymore. That's what I don't understand is no one is like, hey man, where did you go? What did you see? What happened? I don't know. I went to a McDonald's in 1998. It was kind of weird. They had this thing called the Arch Deluxe. It seemed like a waste of money and nobody wanted it. I walked into this McDonald's and they had milkshake cups filled with salads. They called them salad shakers. I don't think it'll last.

It's a green milk, a shamrock shake that I was drinking. And by the way, they stopped selling pizza because of the 80s they did bring. Briefly, right? They sold some McDonald's pizza. Guys, can you believe that McDonald's got rid of the pizza? They just started serving. Their sausage was amazing. What's that about? Man, McDonald's pizza. Salad shakers, the arch deluxe. No fast food chain has had more fucking failures than McDonald's. Just make a fucking burger and be done with it. Just make me a cheeseburger and shut up. Just shut up. Anyway, this guy graduates high school and that's the end of the movie. We have through the credits an amazing song, which I I want to play the baseline here because if anything's, yeah, you know, if anything's going to, you know what? I'm just going to let it play us out of the episode, starting now. I mean, this baseline, first of all, is really fantastic. If anything's going to get you excited about the 1980s, it's this song. I mean, it's going to definitely make you move your shoulders.

There's a course coming up that's like, Science Project. Yeah, you're saying Science Project a lot during this song. But the thing that's obnoxious about the credits that this awesome song is playing over, it's a lot of just like different stills from the movie different you know some of them are actual scenes you it's a lot of though it's just fisher stevens outtakes it's like fisher stevens unsuccessfully hitting on women you know fisher stevens gay bashing someone probably they thought he was like the character everyone was going to love in this movie oh yeah you're going to want t-shirts from this guy you know what i mean he's the next jeff specoli that's what we're dealing with here you know it's brooklyn's version of Jeff Spicoli and it's terrible but what's obnoxious is so these credits end our last frame

is on Fisher Stevens like that's how much they wanted him to be something out of this movie it's it's a shot of him getting his mugshot taken in the police station and of course he's got his sunglasses on at night because man oh man his future is so bright I mean because

I mean well Dennis Hopper is barely in the fucking movie and I mean John Stockwell is a walking like string cheese So I You have to You gotta put somebody there It better be the person That's offended you the most

Oh you know what That's perfect Because he's next most remembered For a round facing short circuit Oh that's right That's his iconic role Is playing the Indian guy In short circuit

Which as a child I was totally convinced It was an Indian guy And I was lied to I mean his best work still is The fucking one minute He's in Grand Pudapest Hotel Oh shut up

I haven't seen he's in it and it's not bad I will have seen it by the time this is out there you go so yeah prepare thyself uh all right would anybody recommend my science project

uh no I kind of wouldn't I mean it sounds zany and crazy and fun but it's kind of not that fun it's just crazy I mean if you're really curious I guess so but I mean it's just it's a wasted opportunity no I mean I think the last 30 minutes are

strange enough to warrant you wanting to watch that part of it but the first hour is who gives it shit yeah I would I mean I'm not

recommending this movie at all but like the whole third act as a video game is just so weird I mean I feel like if you don't watch the rest of the movie

the shock of it turning into this like super violent shoot him up thing won't be as weird for you but it really is just so out of place

tonally and it's not fun there's no jokes in this movie nothing's funny Usually with stuff like this, too, I can always be counted on for the, oh, I found a legitimate laugh. You know, I'm an easy laugh. But there's just nothing, man.

You just sit stone face through this movie. And then you're like, oh, now things are being mutilated in front of me. Like, okay. I would recommend, by the way, this director, this Jonathan Batul, he has a little bit of a storied directorial history here. it's this movie two episodes of Freddy's nightmares and then he directed Theodore Rex with Whoopi Goldberg? Oh my God

Who else used a stupid fake dinosaur? Let's get him to direct this then Yeah, now it's a dinosaur But he's a talking cop dinosaur That's fine So wait, did he do, did he have the idea for Yoshi and Super Mario Brothers then? It's possible

And you know, he didn't direct this other movie, but he wrote the screenplay, Last Starfighter. Oh, my God. This dude wrote the last Starfighter, man. Honestly, that's a recommend. Yeah, that movie's fucking crazy. That's a much stronger movie. That is a recommendation, man. Yeah, you don't have a good, old-fashioned 80s night in with that movie. This movie, not so much. No, this movie is a waste of time. I mean, if you're going to bed, sure. You need something to lull you to sleep for the first, like, five minutes. It'll put you right out, man. But your

dreams will be something. That's my science project from 1985, directed by Jonathan R. Boutool. If you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about the show, check out WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast.

Is there a worst time travel movie out there? And by worst time travel movie, I mean, is there a movie that so underuses time travel? It's obscene. Let us know about it. We all hate movies at gmail.com. If you subscribe to this show in iTunes, rate and review there if you could.

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We would appreciate it very much. Check out Eric's show, Blame it on Outer Space. Which, by the way, this week, Wilford Brimley, I got another celebrity, is good to be on the show. You scored Brimley, man?

I couldn't believe it either. I couldn't believe I actually got access to this guy. How many shotgun shells did you have to give him? You just got to have to listen to the episode. It comes out tomorrow. Blame it on Outerspace.com. That's crazy. They're also on Facebook and on Twitter at BlameSpacePod.

Rate and review there as well. We would greatly appreciate that. Also, hint for next week. Chris Cabin. Roger Ebert hated this movie. There you go. But like legendally. He's legendarily.

He's legendarily hated this movie. There you go. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Sisko. Chris Gavin. Take it easy.