We Hate Movies - S4 Ep151: North

Episode Date: April 1, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang goes on the road with Elijah Wood and Bruce Willis in the absolutely horrendous family tragedy, North! Who thought any of the so-called jokes in this movie would actually land? How is it that no one saw just how cruel this film is? And how on Earth did they get away with so much racism? Plus: Some of the most stomach churning child acting you've ever seen! North stars Elijah Wood, Bruce Willis, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jon Lovitz, Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Reba McEntire, Graham Greene, Kathy Bates, Abe Vigoda, Richard Belzer, John Ritter, Faith Ford, Scarlett Johansson and Robert Costanzo; directed by Rob Reiner. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey Chicago, listen up. This week's episode is brought to you by the Lincoln Loft. They got a new show that's run one weekend. They got one weekend left. We want to tell you about it real quick. Do not miss April 4th and April 5th. The Hamlet Project. It's a two-hour theatrical event celebrating Hamlet with great things like audience participation, tragedy, comedy, and most importantly, drinking games, everybody. It's a drink-along Hamlet. freshly bleached skulls for the first hundred or so people in the door you're gonna get they're gonna get them shut down they're gonna get held to that chris i was here for the bleached skull and i'm clearly eighth in line i you get the voice i think it's more like oh is here for the bleached skulls here notice my erection they don't have to be completely clean but i was told they'd be punching pie yeah it's it's a great space uh run by an old friend of ours couple old friends friends of ours. One person associated is a dear good dear good. What I call it Dear Good. Justin J.K. He's been on this show a bunch. He's our

disaster movie expert. He's our disaster movie expert. That's why he's not here. He's doing awesome stuff out there. A whole lot of awesome stuff going on at the Lincoln Lof. A great new Chicago venue because that place needs more fucking comedy. If there was one place there was an empty, barren, dry

desert for comedy, it's the great city of Chicago. But for tickets, you can email Hamlet Project Chicago at gmail.com, April 4th, April 5th. They don't have a time on their website, but I'm going to take a gamble and say that it's 8 p.m. We'll correct that. 8 p.m. ish. We'll correct it on social media if we're told otherwise. Hey, Chris, you want to promise anything else for?

What about a hundred bucks to the first two people? Anything? I mean, I was going to say a golden goose to the first person who gets tickets, but. You don't get anything for going. You get a great night out at a great theater in Chicago. Perhaps some magic beans. There might be some Chris Cabin off-brand magic beans. We'll see what we can send out to them.

April 4th, it's a Friday. April 5th, that would be a Saturday. The Hamlet Project, possibly 8 p.m. If you want more information, visit the good folks at the Lincolnloft.com. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. And we hate North so bad.

Hello, everyone. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, You may have read a lot of critiques about vitriol that comes spitting out of our mouths every now and again. Well, this is 1994's North, directed by Rob Reiner, and we might get a little bit of that today. This ruffled Roger Ebert's feathers. You think we're going to fucking just sit on our hands on this one?

That is to this date. And, you know, say what you want about Andrew Saris and his writing on the Auteur theory, Chris Kavana. Roger Ebert's Review of North is the greatest piece of film writing ever created by humankind. I mean, there's got, I mean, there's, there's no limit on the word hate in that review. No. He's just like, usually they'd be like, you know what? You know, he's added, it would be like, oh, you're repeating here a little bit. Roger.

But it's just hate is all, it's hate speech. And I love it. It inspired his line of books. I hate, hate, hate this movie or whatever those, those volumes were. Now imagining some like assistant editor for the Chicago Tribune, like, oh my God. And he has to like run up like 10 flights of stairs. Like, I don't know if Mr. Ebert was drunk or what, but there's

a bunch of repeated words in this. It's just like a loose jazz score in the back while he's doing it. He's just got a big, it's like the fucking hud sucker proxy. He's just got a big galley proof. So this was a very famous movie for being very terrible. And I am proud

to say that I dodged this movie for 30 years, everybody. The other night was the first time I ever saw it. I knew what it was. I knew the, uh, the court of public opinions ruling on this film and just kind of said thanks but no thanks I was me too I never saw it until just last night and it kind of goes with my my philosophy as a kid and as an adult is I fucking hate kids I hated kids then and I hate kids now I

I just don't have time for kid power I never even in the back I was like dudes just give it five more years it's gonna be fine like let's not march in the streets for this stuff. I mean, it's, I know, okay, so I'm saying Elijah Wood right now. And sure, but after I saw this movie, I mean, I had seen it when I was a kid. I had to VHS because my dad schemed it off Columbia House. That's pretty great. But after seeing this and like remembering how bad it was, I've always referred to Elijah Wood in conversation as Your Majesty. Because he's just the most sniveling piece of shit I've ever seen in it like just

fucking die kid well now and Steve I agree with you the whole like kid power thing and whatnot because as you know listeners of this show can can recollect I despise precocious children behavior yep right it's the

worst thing ever and the I guess quote villain of this movie is the single most precocious child actor he has more precociousness in his little finger than the entire cast of that fucking penny marshal little rascals movie i mean he's a kid's rights advocate which is the dumbest like that's like president of nicolodean bullshit like because i mean because this is going to be all over the flipping place talking about this

movie the conceit of the film is elijah wood as north you know he has a bad night a couple of weeks with his parents things aren't going so hot for them and he makes the McCulley Culkin-esque decision to divorce his parents, and he then goes around sampling other, you know, prospective parents. Free agency. Yes. Child free agency. Which sounds really bad, by the way.

Yeah, it's, you know what? After his child free agency, I want him to desperately go into child slavery. Just never seen again making shitty t-shirts in India. The place, like the places in Thailand. that you really don't even read like the exposés about. Yeah. The ones that they nobody knows about. That's where I want him.

And it's just one of those things where like this movie's 90-ish minutes long and all of it is just like one thing after another about like aren't adults terrible. Aren't adults this aren't adults that. And it's like you know what? You little fuck. Like yeah, these parents of yours had like a couple bad days at work and you know, maybe they're a little self-serving and whatever. But you have an awesome house that you live in. This is a sick fucking house this kid's living. You see his bedroom, like the opening, you know, is like all the little shit's bedroom, all his toys all over the place and everything.

And you're like, wow, this kid's really got it great. How could he possibly want to divorce these people? They're responsible for you being, like, as it turns out, he's this great kid. He's this genius. He's a great performer. He fucking can do Fiddler on the roof. Oh, and then. you have to sit there and watch him performing as Teviah,

and I just want to blow my brains out. Because it's kind of, and this is a little weird, but it's kind of, I see a little bit of Royal Tenenbaum's in this movie because he's supposed to be like this Wunderkin, right? Because, yeah, he's good. He's doing all the great science experiments, and he's also a master on the stage. He's working on a novella.

No, but I was going to mention Wes Anderson eventually in this podcast because, you know, Grand Budapest came out and it gets the same, he get, West Anderson gets the same bad review every time. And it's just like, who could like this shit? And I get it. But the thing is, that's a movie. His entire catalog is very much like North. It takes place in a kind of fantasy, elevated reality. Everyone who's speaking is speaking for the writer's mouth, not necessarily from the character's mouth. And that's what this movie is doing terribly. And it's just... And there's no visual justification for it. No, exactly. Because it's just fucking, who gives a shit? Half of this... His magical place that he goes to is a goddamn Raymore and Flanagan.

Yeah, if you're a kid and your secret spot is a furniture, like warehouse floor or whatever, like the show floor. Stop. Get the fuck out of here, kid. Go to... He passes while he's running to the... mall because that's where you always go to feel safe and warm and, you know, happy. Nothing ever bad happened to a kid at a mall, Chris.

Never once. Not once. I watched T2. Wait a minute. Yep, that doesn't check out. Chopping mall. Nope, that doesn't check out. Night of the cop. No, that didn't check. Yeah, bad shit happens at the mall. Constantly. There's all sorts of people. You just get taken. I'm sorry. Crowded mall, you get to. You just, some kid decides to pass out on a couch. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's my kid.

Are you sure, sir? Yeah, he's asleep. Don't wake him up. He's been having trouble sleeping. You pass out on a couch, you wake up in a van. Yeah. Yep, that's happened. He fucking passes a tree house.

Like, these are the fantastical elements that you can utilize. Is like a place where you are supposed to go and dream. Fuck it on a recliner. And the thing then is like, oh, well, they're clearly making a joke about whatever. It's like, no, they're not. There's no jokes in this. that's what's astounding this this movie is written by a guy who has a long history of writing comedy he wrote a lot on not the larry sanders show but like the show that larry sanders had before the larry sandling show or i'm sorry now i think it was like another show uh that he had before all of that dream on no he i mean he he worked on s andl he worked on s andl a lot he was like very close with gilda radner he worked on Seinfeld quite a bit

which kind of explains some of the casting in this movie maybe but it's just like at what point were you like I'm a comedy writer that's going to write a movie with negative 18,000 jokes in it and speaking of SNL a dark note about this and I read it in the trivia and I had

no idea and I had to go back and watch it again to see this. This is I think the only movie where Bryn Hartman? Yeah Bryn Hartman is in this movie for just a minute and then you're just like yeah i mean it's just i think she just plays one of like the cavalcade of parents or something or one of those because by because all the adults by the way are not characters in this movie at all

except for john levitz poor john levitts i mean there are characters but they're all walk-ons it's like a bad improv show where everybody comes out in their favorite fucking character like swinging for the fences with a bad accent and you're just like please end this scene please go away please stop please stop whatever you're doing All right now. Just put it down. So North is this kid who is like the, you know, as we said, the greatest kid in the world. His parents are Jason Alexander and Julia Louis Dreyfus, Jason Alexander in the worst rug I've seen in in a while.

It's bad. And I, you know, I just want to get this out there because I said it before we went on the air. But if you're going to give a bald actor a rug, why is it a rug of a guy with terribly thinning hair? Make him have shitty hair or he's bald. And is that, I always wonder when actors have to wear wigs, is the, is the director like, hey, Jason, uh, you just sit down. It's, it's, it's not me. It's the studio. You know, I think you're great. I think you're a great looking guy. I just got this box here. And he's just had it in his lap the whole time. And he's like, what's in the, oh, God. Yeah, fine. Fine. Fine. I know what's in that box, Rob Reiner. Just give it to me while you continue to sit behind the camera being bald as fuck. I know what that box is. It's virility, isn't it? on screen virility yeah i don't know and i mean it's not like it makes any difference in this movie he could be bald he could have hair he's still nothing he's not doing anything in this movie neither of them not he's not a character certainly not a character no i mean he's just fucking

yelling he's doing like i mean we'll get into it but the gags involving him are probably the worst in the movie and that's saying something well i mean let's let's start with where we kind of start at the beginning, which is like, you know, it's Bruce Willis narrating this movie, by the way. And he's, he's telling us in the laziest tone of voice he possibly can that, you know, North's this great kid, but he's got a problem. His parents are always yelling. And then it's just Julia Louis Dreyfus and Jason Alexander just yelling at each other, yelling over each other. They're not arguing. They're just like cavetching loudly at like top volume. And you're just sitting there listening to this cacophony. And then it's Elijah Wood, like, feigning a heart attack or having an actual fucking heart attack. Like, I don't even know what I'm supposed to believe in this movie. Fucking call House MD. Shit's going down. Hey, Andrew, you know what I don't want to see?

What's that, Steve? Morgan Freeman attacked German terrorists. You know what I don't want to hear? Bruce Willis narrating anything. There are people with skills, and they, not everyone could do everything. Just, just split it up. Yeah. nice and even there are people with good

voices that could do Bruce he's just got a it's kind of nasalish in this one he does have a nasally voice to begin with but it's worse than that because you can almost hear the size of disinterest through the words that he's speaking

like North was just a great kid and had to go to his special place and where would the special place be well at the mall you stupid prick you're just like well you're really really gearing me up for a great time with the movies

I don't know you really want to hear all right fine he's north he's a kid he's really good at stuff oh my god

how long is this 300 pages god Demi cancel lunch you got a performance in a fiddler on the roof oh wait

Chinese here no three dollars is a tip no that's good no say shuan okay great yeah there's a lot

of outtakes of him in the studio fucking haggling over Chinese tipping absolutely and I mean yeah that's the problem with this movie is once we get into what this movie is

it's just like him literally on a tour of the same thing which is he meets the prospective parents they seem okay at the outset and then they turn out to be horrible and then he just goes on to the next thing well this is based on a kid's book and it makes sense

is it really it is by the screenwriter which is a problem which is why this awful narration exists is because clearly this guy really loved this children's book and didn't want to make it into a movie. He's like, no, no, no, no. The structure's all there. And it just

reads like a bad kid's book. And I'm sure it's like, when you're reading, when you're reading a book, you know, you give it a lot of leeway, you know what I mean? Like with dialogue and stuff, but like, when people have to put on fucking pants and do this stuff. Oh, yeah. It's embarrassing. You know, it's not, it's really bad stuff.

Like, I'm sure, I'm so sure that on paper, this hilarious narrator character comes into the book and it's just gut-bustingly hysterical that he's dressed up like the Easter bunny sure it's just hilarious but put that on to Celluloid and here comes Bruce Willis in a ratty disgusting pink Easter Bunny suit and I'm checking my watch the entire time so is Bruce Willis also Easter bunnies they have the fucking head on yeah that's a big thing with Easter buddies. Don't see the fucking

because it's not a bunny then. Yeah, you just see this scumbag jersey guy. Fucking man bear pig. It's just I just eat this carrot. Let's not go to that furry. Let's actually go to the Easter bunny that's right over there. That guy's going to touch you. Yeah, he's the

dude. He's the dog sucking that old guy's dick in the Shining movie. That's the suit that Bruce Willis is wearing in this movie. Just talking to children at the mall. Well, that's exactly. It's a crowded mall. This sleepy kids just nodded off at a couch. And Bruce Willis sits next to, like, hey,

got, sounds like you got a lot of problems. Hate your parents, huh? Go on. Now eat this carrot. Now eat this carrot. Oh, no. And he has some bullshit line about, like,

how he's, like, independently wealthy and just does this, like, to entertain himself or something. And it's like, oh, man, we get into that thing of the hyper-rich, do real, like, weird shit. Like, fuck kids, you know, like on true detective. or we're fucking hunting people for sport like hard target like the uber wealthy have some fucked up hobbies or they're furries like bruce willis yes oh man if this movie with ended

with elijah wooden carcosa sign me the fuck up one thousand times yes oh yes and big fat leather face is coming after him that's what i want that's exactly what i want so we cut to the school and like north is so stressed out about how his parents are treating him terribly that he you know he turns in a bad science project for the science fair you know he's not doing well and blah blah blah and his fucking libido's down and whatever because that's the other thing by the way this is a movie where because there's no adult characters and it's a movie about like kid power we want kids to be people the kids all carry with them traits of being adults yeah so he's like you know like he comes in and he's talking to his friend who works for the school

paper and this kid is like he's acting like he's fucking woodward and bernstein he's name is fucking winchell what does that mean it's a famous walter winchell walter winchell who's that journalist oh well i guess the movie north is smarter than i just ran circles around your intellect i never heard of the guy but the point stands that he's like oh i'm on a deadline i've got sources i got a finger in every pie yeah he's wearing a tie he's got those he's wearing like those arm braces you'll get oh like a barbershop quartet yeah whatever those things are you're are i think there's a visor going on there's a visor going on there's a visor and the problem is this kid is the worst parts of sponge from salute your shorts and whatever that nerdy kid was from

the first season of boy meets world who might be the same actor mincus mincus i think it's mincus because i was watching it and my wife was like you think uh this kid lost out to the dude who played minkas this kid lost out to a lot of people it's also he's kind of got uh alfalfa's foil and little rascals alfalfa's foil The rich kid who's trying to get Oh yes Yeah he does Yeah the little blonde kid in that

And that kid And that sucks Because that kid in that movie Is like an F grade Macaulay Culkin So think about how shitty this kid In North is He's I mean

And it's just you'd know Like Elijah would To his credit And I know that I hate the character of North But I think he was a good kid actor And the good son he's good And actually in this

He's holding his own Like it's a bad It's a bad script what he's asking to do what this character wants is all rotten, but he's doing fine. I mean, he's trying to swim while carrying a sandbag, so it is a little difficult for an eight-year-old to do. Now, this kid is just like, feed him the line. He's going to say it, well, cut, feed him the next line. Like, everything is just at this awkward clip, and I just want to slap the glasses off his face.

And what sucks, though, about that whole thing is these are long lines and they're really wordy. So the whole time I'm thinking on set that day, like Rob Reiner, God bless his big heart, man, because he had to be sitting there just saying cut after cut after cut while this little dweeb presumably just beefed these lines over and over and over again. But you're right, it is that stilted like, I'm doing this because I'm an actor and boy, don't you love being a reporter cut? another thing about my sources is you just want to put them down one between the eyes see you later kid i'm trying to look up because it's killing me i want to see if this the boy meets world character's name was pinkus no mincus i think it's it is mincus oh god i need it to be mincus i can't i can't find it well because it was yeah minkis steward

minkus there we go crisis averted we don't have to go back and read you the last 10 minutes I mean, but one thing we're missing that's really important because it's really obvious. This movie's got a bit of a usual suspects thing going on slash a Wizard of Oz thing. The credits take forever. Oh, yeah. And it's all inside of North's Palace, which he wants to escape. And it's his room, and it's got a train set that's going through all these different towns and all these things.

And it's like very specifically, you know, Hawaii, Alaska, Bedford, New York, et cetera, et cetera. and then when he sits down with Bruce Willis in the creepy furniture store before Bruce Willis asks him to accompany him to the bathroom He's just Hey you got to go to the bathroom I do too let's go together

No As he's nodding off Hey kid come on I hope you find it I'm supposed to be holding your hand You know kids are supposed to have their hands held Make it look real Kid you gotta make it look real I don't know what voice I'm doing

But it's present You know what the voice I was doing? it was Bruce Willis pretending to be someone else because he doesn't want to be verbally identified in a lineup. That's what I'm doing. He's smart. Yeah, but I'm doing layers into that impression is what I'm saying.

You know that Bruce Willis can just punch your throat and you'd be dead, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's a quick drop. Oh, he'd kill me. But I think if he were to hear this, he'd be like, are they talking about die hard?

And they'd be like, no, Bruce, they're not talking about die hard. Oh, okay. they talking about moonlighting no Bruce they're not talking about moonlighting oh are they talking about death becomes her no bruce they're not talking about death becomes her are they talking about north yeah they're talking about oh oh that's fine yeah you got me guys you got me yeah that bought me my summer house that's fine yeah that is dog shit so he's nodding off with this big stranger staring at him this John Wayne rest as a fucking rabbit giving him life lessons yeah exactly anyone who starts chatting up a kid not accompanied by an adult, and especially, guess what, manager of this Raymore and Flanagan, this is happening on your property. You've got to be like, hey, what's that unlike? What's that motley crew doing on my couch? No, you know what?

It goes, it's a little bit deeper than that, Steve, because you don't even have to care. That dude could be trying to fuck that kid, but you, as the manager of this Raymore and Flanagan's, you find a couple of freeloaders sitting on your designer furniture. Get the fuck out. Go molest that kid at the food court like everybody else. Take it in the bathroom. Do that shit on my brand new furniture. How am I supposed to sell this fucking Barka Lounge?

You ever heard of the dark corners of the arcade? Just go there. Exactly. So he's just really sleepy. And like, Rob Ryder puts this weird like kaleidoscopic filter on it. And it stops the movie dead to the point of obviously, I now know I'm in a dream.

For the rest of the movie, the rest of this 90 minutes, when he goes to Pinkus and Minkus and Winchell and Murrow and whoever the fuck else this ugly kid happens to be he's there and you know it's a dream and you know he's like I think Winchell puts the idea in his head

he's like yeah you could divorce your parents it's a new thing and it's like you could be a free agent and they go through this thing and there's a lot of like running gags where one of which is everyone in the town and this is before it becomes a dream everyone in the town knows that North is the greatest kid in the world and everyone would love to have

wet beat. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then it's this montage of like, you know, North doesn't wet the bed. You know, North always rakes the leaves in the yard. You know, North doesn't listen to heavy metal music. And I mean, like, fucking, there must be a confidence shortage

in the town of Northsville or wherever the fuck this is. Oh, he's the mayor of Northsville, probably. And how are you not the next day smack in Elijah Wood's face when you come to school? Where are the bullies? Where are the bullies?

They're right in this room. That's where they are now. But where were the bullies then? He should have been getting his ass kicked in every scene. In every scene. And it would be the thing where, like, the nerds team up with the bullies. And then, like, the girls get involved. And even, like, the foreign exchange students are getting in on it.

Like, you are making us look like fucking garbage north and you have to stop it. So we are going to kill you. We as a child of just average kids are going to band together. kill you because you're making the rest of us look so bad and by the way okay I understand that like of course I'm against when parents like idolize their children and make them you know into these objects that they're you know this is you know this is our work we did this oh yeah it's old carlin line like you know not every kid you know not every kid is special yeah yeah however they are responsible for everything he is they are they've given him everything

The reason he is the way he is And great and all this shit Is because of Jason Alexander and Julie Dreyfus How they demonize these two people Because they had a bad day at fucking work I know That's why it's crazy Ebert says something in his review

About like from minute one Like his skin was crawling It's because as an adult You watch this movie and you're like Oh God Like that's what this movie's saying Oh God Oh God

And you do know You know what a movie is you know what a children's book is he's going to learn a lesson it's going to take him a long time but he's going to learn a lesson but from the premise is just flawed though because he's he's not living in a one-bedroom shack with a single mother who's just trying her best or or just like you know drunk and passed out putting cigarettes out on this kid's arm it's not this boy's life no it's not oh man robert de Niro dude he is putting kids through walls in that movie oh yeah he is And he's like just full, it's like, it's like Brian Denny, he fighting, I don't even know what he's putting bruises on Leonardo DiCaprio with that movie.

It's just, it's like, it's like Star Trek fighting. You know what I mean? Like, give him that kid a Kirk Hammer punch and you're like, dude, anytime you want to step in here, Elaine Bark, Ellen Barkin. Yeah. Please do. Yeah. But that's not what this is. North has a killer life.

You know what I kept thinking about? It's like that episode of The Simpsons where Bart goes to live with Mr. Burns. and Millhouse is looking at his room and he's like wow you got a real train set and he says something like how long it takes to come back and he's like where does it go and he's like I don't know but one time it came back and there was snow on it

that's the kind of setup this kid has it's fucking sick because the Simpsons is absurd and it knows how absurd the idea is this movie is so straight face you want to punch it in the face so North takes Pinkus's word or Mincus's word

Now I've cursed us forever. It's not even Minkis. It's another little shitty turd. Winchell. Winchell, thank you. Winchell says, you know what? Divorce him. Sue him.

Kid, go into free agency. He talks like an adult, so I'm going to talk like a jerk. Like this little idiot does. So, you know, Elijah Wood's like, that sounds like a fantastic idea, Winchell. I'll do that. He hires an attorney that is recommended to him by this other child. Enter John Lovitz into the motion picture. And the way these credits work out, by the way,

It's Elijah Wood first, John Lovett's second, and the rest of the cast alphabetically. Because John Lovitz had something to prove in this movie. And I don't know what it was. I think he was trying to convince us he has a heart. He doesn't have a scene with anyone his own age except for this courtroom scene we're coming up on. And that last 10 seconds. He's like, I'm better than all these kids. And I know it.

You're just like, I get it, John Levitt's, you're acting circles around children. And, I mean, the rest of the movie, he's playing a fucking Terminator 2 video game. Yeah, he's just in an arcade barely paying attention to this kid. Like, you could, I could imagine John Levitt's on set. Is he got to get it right this time, Rob? Like, I don't know, John. Just sit there, just relax, John. You know, if I turn the volume down, I can play this Terminator game with my back to the camera.

You know, Rob, I can be funny. Do you want me to be funny, Rob? Tony Hopkins sounds like that for a bit. I apologize for that. But so then we get to this courtroom scene. Oh, and by the way, before this, there's some gag where, like, it's revealed because the reporters show up at the house and they're like, oh, hey, Mr. and Mrs. North, or I think, because they're just like North's parents is what they're called.

No adult has a name in this movie, really. So it's like, oh, hey, North's parents. What do you think about this, North divorcing you? And they freeze and faint. Cut to the courtroom, and the gag is they're just catatonic. So here are two great comedic actors in Jason Alexander and Julia Louis Dreyfus, pretending to be pieces of furniture for the rest of the movie. I have never seen, including Seinfeld, something that Julia Louis Dreyfus wasn't elevating. Wasn't actually better than the material.

She's kind of better than Seinfeld. It's weird. She's that good. Yeah, I mean, she does the same thing in Christmas vacation. That should be a nothing part to a nothing. actress and she has one of the most quoted fucking things about the stereo from that movie

like yeah so you're right she's got that track record she does that in everything she does but literally when you're like hey Julia Louis Dreyfus you're not allowed to talk in this movie you're not allowed to move in this movie make a funny face and fucking freeze it just remember which one it was because we couldn't pay anyone to do continuity

on this Reba McIntyre who will come up in a minute has more lines than her and I don't think she's been on screen before this I don't know when that television show she had. It was after this. It was after that ran for a thousand and four years. Couldn't get enough Reba, could you people who watch AMC family, thanks for nothing.

Good fucking God. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, my 20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling a dough. I lived at home until I was about 25. And for most of it, I didn't have this show or you. lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction and didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time and the last piece, which

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And I just, I'm fresh on some marks because I did a talk on duck soup a couple days ago. And I'm like watching it. I'm like, what is he? What is that? oh god it's a groucho marks impression is what you're doing and you know who's not good at doing groucho mark marks impressions everybody every single person it's true and just that's this character and he's got this wacky hair do which i don't need to see that man with hair ever exactly what is rob riner's fucking problem like let these people be bald i know it's a problem for you meathead but just you know let it be i mean if you were rob reiner man and in the meat had years. He had some glorious Lord Fauntleroy looking hair, okay? And then to just be Rob Bald Reiner now, you know, it's got

to fucking really burn your ass. So I think maybe that's what it was. But there's no explanation for putting fucking Christopher Lloyd and Back to the Future's hair on Alan Alda's head. There's no reason for it. Arkin. Arkin. There are some people who refused

to be in this movie. Not much of Hollywood, but some. And Alan Alde's was one that said, yeah, no thanks. The terrible Alinaldo impression. I'll never get that. Yeah, exactly. Excuse me, Mr. Reiner. So they have this fucking horseshit courtroom thing.

And he's like, you know what? I agree with North. You should get divorced. And like, that's the end of it. And you're like, all right? So there's no case. Okay, because we're in this fantasy and it kind of doesn't benefit anyone

because there's no reality. And there's also no jokes. So thanks for nothing. And you know, the other thing about Wes Anderson, is that under all the fancy stuff, there's, like, pain and there's genuine emotions underneath. There is fucking nothing below this movie.

Oh, yeah, you peek behind the curtain of this movie and you're just looking back at yourself because there's a window there. It's just your reflection. Well, actually, I heard the original cut of this movie was actually two hours because Rob Reiner had this interesting idea that in every scene, every character

would keep winking at the camera after every line of dialogue. But it didn't really play in the test office. audience. They had to cut that out. Yeah, yeah. I think if you look on eBay, though, there's some VHS of the work print. It's called the wink cut. You can find it out there. And unlike some rare work prints, this one comes real cheap. So they get divorced. And this, yeah, but Arkin has this thing. It's like, all right, here comes some here. He's like, you heard my judgment, but not the ruling. And it's like, here comes your clock. Exactly. This movie needs an engine. I'm going to

Give it an engine already. So the idea is North has exactly the summer, because it's a kid's movie, to find out, to find his new, to be in the arms, which is kind of weird again, in the arms of his new parents or his old parents, or he goes to the orphanage. And then the foster kids that are watching this movie at home to just think that they're normal and having a good life. Like, oh, yeah, that's right. We're garbage. Thanks, Rob Bryn, we're garbage. You're right. We are totally worthless, you guys. Hey, everybody, sit down. No one's getting adopted. We should all be gas. Guess what? This is a punishment. This is what a kid's dread being us.

And I mean, like, I understand you'd be angry and there would have to be a few long talks. But if the kid did end up in the orphanage, wouldn't the parents just go and get the kid from the fucking orphanage in the next day? No, because I made a ruling and it has to stand. And again, like, the next day, he gets fan letters from all sorts of creeps that wanted Duke, that want, they saw this cute kid on television and can't wait to get him in their house. And John Lovitz comes in with this sack of letters. And he's like, oh, you're just getting all this correspondence kid. And I'm like, John Lovitz, how is this benefiting you whatsoever? Where's the money coming from?

How do you make money out of this? And our little idiot reporter kid is like, you know, oh, he's done some pro bono work for me. It's like when I don't even want to know what you needed, John Lovitz for. Maybe he's becoming like a spokesperson for Juicy Juice. I mean, I think that's where John Lovitz is seeing dollar signs and all the developmental deals. But yeah, he's just like, oh, there's so many options, kids. So all these people are literally mailing plane tickets like, come see us north, come see us north. And no one's doing background checks.

Where's the FBI? Where's the bullies? Where's the FBI to track down all these people who want this little kid to come and fucking spend a couple days with them? Oh, yeah. There's no vetting whatsoever. And if you are trusting John Lovitz to be doing the vetting, by the way, he's going to be doing a bad job. Because it's just the nature of this character. He's an idiot.

We see him literally chasing an ambulance when he first appears. it's cute and you know what kids love ambulance chasing jokes you know what they get ambulance chasing jokes yeah makes a lot of sense I got that one and then one proud orphan goes you know what no fuck this movie we're not our lives aren't a punishment

North's punishment and then they break the tube television in the orphanage there's also a gag where there's a North selection hotline and it's it's cut to like like a like an old old-timey, like 60s office building operator room.

It's like where Angelina Jolie works in the Changeling. Yes, exactly. And it's a lot of like North Selection Hotline, please hold. And like these women that look like they just came from singing in a bandstand in World War II are like plugging lines into a switchboard. Like how many child molesters are called? Everyone, everyone in the world in this movie is a kid touching pedophile. The number I have it here actually is 1,900 need kids.

just just dial it by the way this movie turns to the changeling I'm much happier he gets kidnapped and like some you know burn notice decides to pretend it's he's a different kid yeah I'm fine with that movie I want this movie to turn into a search for the Lindberg baby because you know what they found him and he was dead

well death isn't off the table of this movie we'll get there yeah so okay so So let's go on our tour around the world. So our first stop is Texas. And by the way, you know, for non-American listeners, you know the thing about Texas? Everything is supposedly bigger in Texas. Oh, is it? Yeah.

So let's just keep that in mind. Oh, my God, I didn't get those jokes. Yeah. So let's keep that in mind when we go to Texas. And we're picked up by fucking Dan Aykroyd and Reba McIntyre wearing like scuzzy, bedazzled. Like leisure suits. It's kind of...

But they're dressed like cowboys. It's like a dark bright... Like a bright deep blue and she's wearing bright pink. It just looks scuzzy. It's kind of like what you would wear. Like toddlers and tiaras would wear. Except for adults.

You're so right. You're so right. They're gross. They're dressed like child pageant stars. That's absolutely right. And I mean, you would imagine these people fucking live on some like gorgeous estate with like... Just like, you know...

But in a nice... neighborhood because it's Texas and you still high school high school football is a huge deal and all that stuff. Except instead they like live in the house from Days of Heaven. It's because what they have to do because

much like children appreciate ambulance chaser jokes you know what else kids just eat up bite by bite by tasty bite. Hilarious jokes about the nighttime soap opera Dallas because

when you, hey Do you mean the show that ended five years before anyone who could enjoy this was born? Is that what you're talking about? The very same program. Oh, great. Because it cuts and all of a sudden you start da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, the Dallas thing, oh, well, that's just stupid. Because by the way, this is the thing, like you can argue, well, they're trying to make stuff.

The adults will enjoy, too. But it's impossible for an adult to enjoy this movie. So you're just wasting all these jokes on kids that just have no fucking clue. Who shot J.R. And, yeah, I mean, and speaking of which, that was all a dream, too. Oh, all right. Put that out there. Patrick Duffy doesn't save this one, though.

No, but then at the end of that show, like, uh, J.R. met the devil and he, like, convinced him to commit suicide. Yeah, that's a real thing that happened. Here's a problem. And I don't usually, uh, call out people that fuck up on Jeopardy often, but yesterday. Oh, man, you were about to crucist. the clue it was like celebrities and their parents and it was fucking larry hagman and his mother and it's like she was so proud of her baby boy named the actor it's just a picture

larry hagman all you do is look at a picture of larry hagman and just say hey it's larry hagman i think they would even forgive the question rule of you're like oh hey it's larry hagman you know what sucks is you would have to do who was larry oh yeah that's that's the tense that is the tense the world. That's the America we're living in. That would be great then if they were like, who is Larry Hagman? And then Alex Trebek chimes in like, oh, I'm sorry. He's dead. There is a great tumbler called mean Alex. And it's every like quippy, bitchy thing Alex says to different jeopardy contestants. Pretty fantastic. But you know what? To be fair, so those three people didn't get Larry Hagman.

If all three of us were asked, yeah, who discovered the molecule? No, that's true. And I don't know who that reporter was. But it's Larry fucking Hagman. He was a Hollywood institution. He was on two of the biggest television programs of the century. Fucking can't get Larry Hagman. So you would think, again, it's about, and you know where this thing's going is he's going to go to this one. You know, it's, he's going to keep going until he realizes, oh, my God, I had a great home at home.

And I had a pretty, of course, pretty good parents. But they do. everyone is bad in this the bad parents in this movie you would think they're yell too much or like you know they're mean or they're you know they're lazy they're all weirdly bad

they're just strange bad parents again because it's a thing where all the adults of this movie have weird things with kids except North's parents right so it's it's Dan Aykroyd and Reba and they're like oh yeah everything's bigger in Texas

our house is big our car's big they're here to date there And we're so rich. You think it's going to be like, oh, you know, the trouble of being a rich kid. Like, I get that. Like, I see where this is going. It's like, I bought you the Houston Astros. And he's just doing subpar Saturday Night Live impressions in this one.

He should be, like, in a sketch where he's selling someone a visibly shitty car. Yes. Like, that's the voice he's putting on. And then, you know, he starts dropping in the weird stuff. And, you know, Reba's like, so what are you all going to do tomorrow? And he's like, well, I thought we would eat. And then we'd go to the rodeo and then eat some more. And then we'd come back here.

and then rope up some cows and then we'll eat them and then Elijah Woods like what's with all the eating and like the motivation for these people is it's not just that they want to fatten them up because everything bigger in Texas right that would be weird enough yeah sure that would be weird you're like wow that's really weird no no no no no no they had a kid who was a big fat kid who was named Buck and Buck got trampled to death in a fucking stampede so not only do they want a fat kid they're replacing another fat kid that they killed because he was fat I kind of imagine Dan Aykroyd standing over his dead son after the stampede came and Jeremy Irons just shows up he's like oh they'll never understand this

you'll have to go and never come back I was thinking more Cheech Merritt yells out if you come back we'll kill you hey man I was thinking more of I love my dead fat son. I love my dead fat son.

And this is the point of the, like, I've never walked out of one movie, which is mystery man, and I'm proud of that. But if I was in this theater, because this happens, there's this weird clunker line about like, and then our son dies, you're going to be better than him. You're going to be bigger and better. And then the servants come out and start singing a song. Oh, yeah. I would, how are you not leaving the theater? Oh, this is bullshit. I would actually like make a scene, make a point about leaving, like grabbing my coat, like. really putting it on. Oh, yeah.

This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't even believe it. Excuse me. Excuse me. I can't be in this theater anymore. I know. I'm leaving now. Just enjoy the fucking bad movie, everybody.

It would just be like a big, like you turn around. It's a big, fat fucking, who's with me? Yeah, you have to. You are trying to recruit people to leave this theater. I'm going to start singing so long. Farewell. I'll be saying goodbye. Hey, that guy in the back's more entertainment.

than this movie. I mean, it's just outrageous. And at this point, I'm watching the movie and I'm like, okay, Rob Reiner's just like intentionally fucking with people, right? Like, you're making this movie to get people riled right up.

You're, you're just trying to test how far you can push them, right? It's like a Lars Von Trier thing. You just want to see where they're going to stop and say, that's too much, Lars. That's too much, Rob. I'm not going to listen to Dan Aykroyd sing about a fat dead kid. I kind of want that

Exactly though right It's like you're watching the idiots That movie where all the people pretend to be mentally retarded Like it's the same thing You're like all right You're really pushing my buttons now Vantreur You're really pushing my buttons now It's the same thing

Rob Reiner provocateur Yeah right You just sit there like Well Bjure can't get any more misfortune Oh come on Come on Lars that's just mean oh man

so he's like he's like oh song and dance number huh you want to fat me up huh oh you want to replace a dead kid with me I'll leave you to fill the hole in your heart with something else you know he gets in the limo but I mean at the end of every single one because it's like a really bad like

video game at this point at the end of every level Bruce Willis shows up and he just kind of sums up all of the things and again in a book I'm okay with it because like it just it's one more page and I'm like oh yeah that's what that's what that chapter was about because dog shit like that can happen in books it's it's a much more forgiving medium when it comes to that but the other thing is like you can have him come out and in a book you can just be like and then this guy came out and he said the shit and whatever but in in a movie you're you're listening and you're looking right so then the whole the gag that they decide to come up with is every time bruce willis comes out to tell him that the princess is in another castle the gag is one he's acclimated to the surroundings right so they're in texas he is playing a ranch hand that works for dan ackroyd and the gag too is he is not the guy from the furniture store so

every time it's like he has no idea who north is he's always dispensing the same line of advice but yet has no memory of talking to this kid the day before and he's a real person too because Dan Akrod's like, oh, hey, look out for, you know, Wild Henry over there. It's another pedophile in this movie, Wild Henry. There's so many kid touches, man. Do you think, like, they show this at SVU training? It's like, here are all the stereotypes that you need to look out for. Every one of these people is a danger to this child.

Now, do you mean actual cops that work with special victims or when you're about to become an actor on special victims unit? No, I mean, yeah, they bring like Dick Wolf comes out and he's like, all right, iced tea, you have to watch this. movie now he puts it man that shit is terrible yeah it's recruitment for the show it's not the actual it should just be like a mr destiny thing like he just shows up yes exactly you know he's magic and i just get it everybody and this movie is filled with such high levels of horseshit as it is sure would one magical character help you out or hurt you like what would it matter it's just gonna be the same amount of shit. It's not going to make it better

and it's not going to make it worse. It's just still shit, but it's more logical shit. If he was a magic fairy, it's more logical than it's just another balding New Jerseyan that lives in all different parts of the world.

Some bored balding New Jersey. That is barely trying. So North is a private plane and he goes to Hawaii next. And just when you thought, by the way, and I'm sorry to interrupt you,

but I had to get this warning out to everybody. Because just when you thought you're like, wow, guys, this movie seems really terrible. But you know what it's missing? Horrendous racism. Well, get ready, everybody. This movie gets ignorant fast. It's just like, you know, like everything's bigger in Texas is a really lazy stereotype, but it's against white people.

And I'm okay with it. It's like, Texas. Who gives a shit? Yeah, and it's just like whatever, you know, it's more about the region. It's not really about these people. But, oh, boy, here we go. We go to Hawaii. What island in Hawaii?

Who cares? It's just Hawaii. Because this movie didn't even bother to fucking think that far. So we've got these two actors that are just John and June's stereotype with a big slice of fucking pineapple over both of their faces. They're roasting a pig the whole time. Yeah, he's in a Hawaiian shirt. She's in a lay the entire time.

And it's just like... Fucking coconut bra. Like, it's... You know what's really annoying about this movie is he never goes to a middle-class family. it's upper class or nothing for north well you know if you can't afford to have the kids that you have why are you trying to fly this kid yeah if you have all these perverts fucking send you letters to come and fucking hang out in my house you want the rich perverts at least you're gonna get molested at least have it be by a rich person yeah i mean you're gonna get some back i would think then some payments

you're gonna get a train with snow on it so again uh he's super rich he's like oh hawai the weather's great there's this line about like how the hawaiian alphabet Doesn't have any A, B, C, or Ds in it, or doesn't have any Fs in it, so you can't fail school, question mark. Oh, yeah. I don't even know what that. Well, yeah, they're explaining, like, the Hawaiian language and he's like, you know, there's only so many consonants and this many vowels. Yeah, you're right. I mean, that might be a true thing. I don't know much about the Hawaiian language at all, but like, stop.

Just don't even put that in the movie. Hey, you know what, Andrew? You know, it's great about you. What I like about you personally is you don't know much about Hawaii. You'd never put it in your movie. I certainly would not. And you know what? He could have said that.

But the thing is, I can't think of anything but the punchline to this whole scenario. Oh, it's so creepy. It's one of the creepiest things I've ever seen. And now here's the thing, by the way. The one thing this movie is is not as cheap because Rob Reiner takes a film crew to Hawaii. Rob Reiner takes a film crew to Texas. We are filming on location. So he flew 30 people to Hawaii to show Elijah Wood's ass.

Steve, a budget of Bill Clinton $40 million. Imagine what all that can do, and it's all to watch a fucking cartoon interpretation of Elijah Woods asshole. Oh, yeah. It's ridiculous. But I'm sorry, he doesn't call it an asshole. It's his crack all over the place. Crack and he crack, crack, crack. So what happens is, you know, they're the perfect.

family he really likes Hawaii and he's like oh my god this is fantastic I can't wait to live in Hawaii and he's like yeah you know part of you know because because you know I'm the governor of Hawaii I wanted to show I wanted to use you in our ad campaign which I guess the ad campaign should read look white kids come here too but it actually reads it's Elijah Wood in a copper tone spoof in a little bathing suit and a squid a very nefarious squid is it's tentacle porn everybody in case you're wondering

oh yeah it's gonna slither right up in there slither up his leg and pull down his little underwear and it shows his ass and you know

Elijah Wood is freak the fuck he does very well in this scene except for the fact that he has to say the word crack a lot but he freaks out and they see nothing wrong

with it and they're like oh what are you talking about it's great you're going to be like the poster child for the state of Hawaii you know and he is disgusted with it, right? I mean, this is kind of the closest

he gets to being molested in this movie is right here. And, you know, he kind of freaks out. And, you know, he kind of just runs away and he runs to the beach. And then we've got Bruce Willis dressed up as a beach bum with long blonde hair.

Just looking like complete shit. Once again. And it's funny because Bruce Willis also calls it his crack. He's like, oh, hey, you're the kid with the crack, right? Or something like that. Yeah, he's like, oh, I know you. You're a crack kid. or whatever it is

I've never heard that before or since that a butt just say butt or ass because it's the 90s and we can be a little crass only pertinent when talking to or about a plumber that's the only time an ass just becomes crack you're right

plumbers don't have there's no butt cheeks there's no ass there's nothing it's crack that's it's crack by the way two things a Hawaii needs more tourism yeah what are you talking about we bought that state specifically for tourism and b it's one billboard in hawaii where the fuck what where are you subway ad what the fuck is wrong with you maybe it was just the test billboard although it is like animatronic because they wanted to make a big show

for nors yeah it is animatronic this squid's just like yeah it's just ew and it's just it's just it's It's disgusting. It's like an anime movie. It's technical pornography, Christopher. That's what they call it. That's what they call it over there. It's tentacle porn. That's when the bill comes on Steve's debit card.

That's what it's called. It's cheaper if you go for a site that puts its true name on your debit bill. You save a buck as opposed to the other one. And you also have to go for the year plan except for the month of month. Yeah. You cannot cancel any time. But why would you? So when you get burned out on Hawaii, you know,

Why not travel to the other non-continental part of the United States? Let's go up to Alaska and make fun of Inuits, everybody. Here we go. And by the way, yeah, sure, maybe we went to Hawaii and whatever, even though it is possible that we're on a beach in California. But either way, we're on location. When we get to Alaska, that is a soundstage. Holy shit, is that a soundstage?

Busby Berkeley shot on this soundstage. You can see the top of it in like two shots. It's the fakesest fucking thing you've ever seen in your life. And Hawaii, like, these people are just kind of, I mean, there's, yeah, they're, you know, doing everything stereotypically Hawaiian. But these people are doing everything racistly Inuit. Oh, yeah. Example one, Kathy Bates as the wife in Redface. No.

Good job, Rob. And the Native American guy who is in Die Hard Three with a vengeance. is the dad, which I'm like, all right, we're somewhere, we're on the dartboard at least, not whatever Kathy Bates is when you try and hit it. And they live in a fucking igloo like they're chilly-willy. And it's just like... It's not just an igloo. They live in a suburban-looking laid-out igloo neighborhood. It's like the flitstones.

Yes, it is. There's ice picket fences. Holy shit, everybody. just let you know everyone's got racist relatives you know like have you ever at christmas just heard them talk about stuff and be like what the fuck are you even describing that's what this world is because it's just it's got no resemblance to reality everyone lives in an igloo they go ice fishing in their house it's like it's that one uncle who's got problems with people he's never met and will die without meeting yep it's that kind of like yeah they're big old igloo neighborhoods

They're all ice fishing for dinner every night. I bet their couch is made out of ice too. What the fuck are you even talking about, Uncle Wally? Oh, you know what I'm talking about. And you know they don't have cars, sleds everywhere. Oh, absolutely. There's sleds everywhere. Oh, and by the way, it's just a state that's so covered in snow and ice,

they land in Anchorage, Alaska, and the plain skids to Juneau, Alaska. Because how impossibly hilarious can this get? I mean, I get it. I saw the nuke of the North, too. But this is just a little too much, buddy. The state has gotten better. You know what? Stop it now.

I mean, what chip on your shoulder do you have, Rob Brynard or Alan Zwebo? What do these people ever do to you? That's one for the ages. It's really, it's one for the ages. And this is the longest sequence in the movie. Like, everything else, literally at the, like, North has two months to do this. By the end of the sequence, he's only got a week left because it's so hilarious. We've got so many of these jokes to make.

And I'm going to stay here all day until I make them all. Thankfully, Abe Vagoda shows up. Oh, well. I mean, just, just a little. And you can put that anywhere you want. Thankfully, Abe Vigoda shows up. And so they're all like getting their, they're, it's all like we're wearing fucking seal skin, this and that and everything. And there's like bullshit that's just totally ignorant.

Like, it's Christmas, 24, you know, 32 weeks a year because it's so. cold out here it's like what what and that's the shit though that when they say like now you only have a week left north or whatever they make some thing about like well we're just so close to the north pole that we have 36 hours of daylight here so all this time passed north and you didn't know it like weeks went by and you didn't even know it but for some reason you were able to stay awake for weeks on end without getting tired or drowsy or anything the joke is he makes it oh no one or we stopped for lunch 32 times. Oh, isn't that just

busting your gut, guys? Oh, man. Thank you, Rob Reiner. Good job, Rob. And, you know, Elijah Wood just spends so much time out here. He keeps having these dreams about Martin Donovan dying and he just can't get to sleep

and Robin Williams is making all sorts of phone calls. Hillary Swinks really worried about him. The gag is, which is, I had to look this up because it was so out of left field and so vicious that I needed to know. So Abe Fagoda comes down like, oh, it's grandpa, let's

take grandpa out. It's time for it turns into the giver all of a sudden. And he's just like, let's take grandpa out to the, to the great to his great goodbye party or something like that. Yeah. What? And it's this thing where they're like, you know, in our culture, so old

people don't get old and sickly and can't take care of themselves. We put him out on this ice block and kick them out to sea and they die alone. it's this vague tradition that happened hundreds of years ago oh yeah no it's a real thing sure but it's just as outdated as anything you can think of yep and i mean i'm usually thank god richard bell's but now i'm oh no richard bell's oh oh oh speaking as for you yeah speaking of slum in it i mean what are you even doing like you know i get it old time comedians sure i'll be in your movie rob

Reiner. Yeah. You're Carl Reiner's son. I get it. Yeah. You're Carl's boy, ain't you? Yeah. And here's the bells.

And he's playing this guy who's like making sure all these old people are getting on the ice blocks and like keeping the line moving and whatever. And this brings me to a thing that I tried to find on the internet. And I feel like Rob Reiner has had it erased from existence. But child pornography record. I wish. I'm just writing a book about my own child molestation that happened to me when I was... The old Pete Townsend excuse, you think? Who are you, pal?

No, the Comedy Central roast of Rob Reiner, or maybe back then it was still the Friars Club was getting broadcast on Comedy Central, when they did the Rob Reiner roast, and Belser came out, and his bit was he read the Roger Ebert review of the movie. and the famous part of it is when he says hate like eight times in a row whatever it is and Bells or stops and says this is from a guy who's seen 10,000 fucking movies one of the greatest jokes

and I just I searched like Rob Reiner Roast like YouTube and I was like okay it's not on YouTube I get that I checked on Hulu for like Comedy Central nothing if you even search like the internet for Rob Reiner Rose it doesn't even come up and I was like I think this is the case for blame

it on outer space I don't know what is going this conspiracy of covering up the Rob Reiner Rose. It's probably one of those things where you have to like go on eBay and some guys got it like recorded on a like a VHS tape and it will make you a copy for $25. Yeah, exactly. You got to go on the House of Cards internet on

that one. You got to go deep web, baby. Oh man. So, so yeah, that's Bells. And then poor Abe Bogota is like you know, I don't really want to do this, right? Like that's the whole, again, I guess a joke, big fat question mark. Fulgota doesn't want to die.

He sells it pretty well because he's just got that Ave Vagoda deadpan, which I just love so much. Yeah. And he's like, you know, oh, hey, if this tradition changes in the next few days, feel free to come get me. I'd love to come back. And, you know, then the adults are like, oh, what did he say? Nothing. Let's go get lunch. And he's like, oh, man.

Let's put him on this igloo and have a fish sandwich because we're fucking not people. We're just not people. Why would we have people feelings or people traditions? We are not people By the way, at this point, it does You know, it's good to mention that back in Northville or wherever the town Is, this little

Shitty and Brat Reporter kid is now Like, he becomes like Prococious kid at the start And then he slowly morphs into That gangster villain From Robocop 2 The little kid who's controlling the crime wave

Because he's building this empire where like the kids are literally like aligning themselves to take over the planet like children of the corn style and he's like putting love it's in line to be the president it's the stupidest shit you'll ever see a fucking citizen cane scene oh there certainly is because he's making a big speech but he's using this is what doesn't make any sense like he's still using north like as the example of you know we should all divorce our parents or whatever even though north is actively seeking out new parents and everybody knows this. It should be this

kid's face, one, to match the parody of Citizen Kane accurately, but two, to not send any mixed messages about what's going on, which is like these kids they don't want to have any parents. They want to rule the roost. And I guess, I don't know, enslave adults. I mean, then it becomes a thing like Logan's

run. They're just going to start executing you. Also, you get too old. Also, President Lovitz? You really think that's happening? I'm listening. I mean, and honestly, the worst part about this is, what you're going to call, is all the parents are cowtowing to the kids, like, oh, my God, please don't run away. And they're like bending over backwards, like, you know, the kids are making them do their homework and shit. It's like, go leave.

I double dare you, motherfucker, leave this house. Oh, yeah. And where's that parent? Where's that mean parent? There's no mean parents in this movie. Well, apparently there's no military fathers at all in this fucking town. Where's Chris Cooper? Not for nothing.

Where are the shitty parents that hit kids? They're around. I know they're around. I'm not advocating their actions. I'm just saying, in the world of this movie, one kid says the wrong sentence the wrong way, and he's getting a knuckle sandwich. I just want to see one shot of an eight-year-old in his front lawn,

like cooking a can of beans over a fire. Like, I just one shot. Just show me. other side of this, not that every single one of them has, like, their parents doing their homework or, like, they're, like, sitting in beach chairs the whole time. And I don't even understand it. Like, everyone's acting like, oh, it's a good day, Anthony. Oh, it's a great day.

Isn't it, Anthony? What the fuck are they going to do to you? Yeah. Just shut this whole shit down. Don't all of you have to go to work to pay for this house? It makes no fucking sense. Go into the TV room and rip the Nintendo out of the wall. Oh, yeah.

See what happens then. Outlet be damned. You know what I mean? Like, really just rip it right out of the wall. You don't need that outlet anymore because you're never going to plug a Nintendo into it again. You might as well rip all the wiring out. Fucking hang it up in the tree in the backyard and pinata in it.

Oh, yeah. Just in front of the kid, make them swathing. And let everyone in the neighborhood know this shit doesn't stand. Oh, and you know what else? While we're at it, we're going to take a big oil drum out in the backyard, fill it up with gasoline and wood, start a good fire, and start melting Ghostbuster toys. one by one

dipping them in like Roger Rabbit we're going to get rid of these fuckers Well first we're going to get rid of Donatello Boop

There's Leonardo Boop And here's Crang Oh you know what You can throw in there All your Charmin Because guess what my new Toilipaper is

All your X-Men comics Just go Eh Exactly Doesn't make any sense And I don't know What does the movie Give any kind of like

What the kids have on them? It doesn't say what the kids have on them. It doesn't, I mean, because again, it gets away with this dream logic kind of bullshit. Right. Like, it's just escalating like a dream would, but everything else in the movie is kind of realistic, so it doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't, you know, how

this kid, again, eventually this kid has an office in fake New York, which is really something. It's just like soundstage New York City. Oh, yeah. Steve, he has the whole floor. He's got the whole floor. And he has arcade games throughout the place. So he's got an office, and

He's just running this thing. And he's, now North is starting to be like, oh, you know, I just spent like literally two months with smelly Eskimos. So maybe I want to go back and have white parents. And this kid can't stand it. He can't stand it. But you know what? I think it was like, okay, yeah, he's going to have a really bad experience in Alaska. Then we'll have him start thinking about coming back home.

And then someone was like, hey, you know, I'm pretty sure. sure there's not enough racism in this movie. So before we have him turn back to get into his parents, let's be horrific for another 25 minutes, because we have a stop in China, where all of a sudden he's fucking dressed up

he's dressed up like the last emperor. And like this whole town is bowing to him and all this shit. It's like communism hadn't existed there for the last 55 years. Oh yeah. Read a book, Mr. Zwebel. And all of a sudden, it's just

here's all hail emperor north is what's going on and then they're like oh you know which uh which which stereotypical chinese kid haircut do you want and they hold up like a a menu and he's like you know oh give him the emperor and it's the old uh i'm gonna shave everything but the one patch and the patch is a ponytail yeah a chow young fat and crouching tiger correct and it's it's a lot you what hasn't been in fashion for hundreds of years yeah that one yeah and it's just it's just it's the thing where he's like, not the, that one. And he leaves China. And we're doing the fucking Indiana Jones airplane animation all over the map thing, right? So we're in China. That's horrendous, but I can't have a bad haircut. Let's go to Africa and see what's going on

there. We have to go Ace Ventura when nature calls levels of racism into this fucking jungle community where like he's delivered by some dude who's got him in a backpack who like rolls up to the village and we get a little bit of national geographic going on because the woman who's like I guess the prospective mother for some reason this fucking town in Africa this family wants to adopt this kid because they must have sent a letter to John Lovitz that's the only way they're getting on the tour in the first place and she comes out of like the little hut that they have and she's topless and he's just staring at her breasts the whole time and he makes some joke like oh I can't stay here I wouldn't focus on my schoolwork what are you going to just

jerk off in your hut. North the movie. Oh, yeah. That's what I want to imagine is a nine-year-old boy getting an erection. Thank you, Rob Reiner. That's exactly... Good job, Rob.

Hashtag, good job, Rob, by the way. The next stop is the lowest hanging fruit you could trip over, which is Jerry Lewis, France jokes. Which is just, you know, everyone's eating a bag at. I mean, it's not even worth going into, but it happens. And then finally, he goes to a beautiful white family

run by John Ritter and he's like a doctor in Bedford, New York, and it's like Faith Ford is the mother and she's like a, you know, a Donna Reed type because that's where fucking women belong. Well, they're doing Leave It to Beaver. Yeah, like it's a Leave It to Beaver household.

The young daughter, by the way, first on-screen appearance by Scarlett Johansson. Yeah. You got that going on. You never see her face. No, yeah, you do. She's got lines and everything. She's got two or three lines.

Yeah. I mean, it's nothing great. But it's very weird. It's very weird because it's just like a little baby, Scarlett Johansson, but you can still totally tell it's her. And it's like, like, she doesn't have the smoky voice. So it's like her talking like a kid. It's really bizarre. But anyway, she's in the movie.

Then some other little kid who never acted in anything again. And it's this thing where like this, and it makes sense in the scope of what I know this story to be by just reading the back of the box, which is he's going to meet, quote, unquote, the perfect family. And it's just not going to be right for him. And that's not the same. It's not, oh, man, where's Jason Alexander and my mom? John Ritter's got a natural full head of hair. This doesn't make any sense. And this is when Winchell gets it in his head that like, oh, you know, by the way, Jason Alexander and Julie Dreyfus become part of the Smithsonian exhibit because I just got a headache.

Like I just, my head just cracked open when you reminded me there's more to this move. And, you know, they, you know, they're still in a coma and they're part of an exhibit and who gives a shit. They're putting them on display amongst, like, wax figures. It's like George Washington, Genghis Khan, North folks. People. And Robert Costanzo of, he's Joey Tribioni's dad. He's also plays the voice of Harvey Bullock on Batman the Animated Series, everybody. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, him? Yeah. Hey, Kamish. Yeah, it's that guy. Oh, wow. Yeah, I like this guy. Your stereotype, your most Z-level, never been on The S-Pranos,

stereotypical Italian-American actor. You know what? Good for him for not getting on the surprise. Yeah. You avoided it. Maybe or maybe not a conscious choice. Maybe he did one on. But you know what?

You're better for not being on the Sprint. Sure. So, for fuck's sake, they wake up. And this is when this movie gets really weird, because this kid puts a hit on North This is the tipping point So he does the old gag of like Okay

You know Julie Louis Dreyfus and Jason Alexander wake up I'll do an interview with them And I'll edit it to look like they hate their kid Even though they love their kids so much And they're on their hands and knees To get this little shit heel back But by the way

The other thing is this kid This evil genius kid Who's grooming John Lovitz for the presidency also is really concerned about keeping up the North's folks exhibit and hires exact doubles of Julia Louis Dreyfus and Jason Alexander to stand in this box. Because the whole thing is like, well, what if we do, what do we do if they wake up?

You know, that's going to ruin the whole thing. It's going to queer the deal. And then he's like, oh, don't worry, I've got a plan because I'm a little mastermind. And so they wake up And then Costanzo comes out And he's just got these two It's just that it's the actors It's like Dave

Yeah And they just look at each other And they're like hey say that's weird And then these two actors Who look like the parents Resume the position Of standing in this box For who?

Who could enjoy that? Why? What are we doing? It's not even like you make a joke out of it They just go in That's it Like you know what You know what the joke is by the way?

The joke is they get in the box and Jason Alexander turns to Julia Louis Dreyfus and then a dub over voice comes in and it's like, well, it's a living, is it not? You know? And like, that's the gag. And she's like, well, yes, I think it is. And that's it. That's a joke. That's the worst joke I've ever told, but it's a joke in this movie. Also, and I under, again, I understand.

We'll get to exactly why this fantasy shit just doesn't work in this movie. But, okay, they've been passed out for months. Yeah, it's months. Why isn't that Smithsonian case full of piss and shit? Oh, yeah. And why doesn't it smell, like, when you open it? How does not Costanzo just fucking knock over dead from the stench? Fall over.

Dead. Just having showered. Just like looking into the eyes of Medusa. Like, yeah, Costanzo turns to stone, believable fantasy. Exactly right. And, you know, so he sends the tape to John Ritter's house, and, you know, Elijah Wood just isn't feeling it. And he's like, well, maybe I'll get my old parents back. And it's this poorly chopply edited thing of like, we hate North.

He is the worst. And it's like, I get it. I get what we're doing here. So now he's got nowhere to go. But, like, he winds up in New York where his parents are anyway. And this is when this movie gets really weird. He's like, well, the kid's like, oh, well, I guess North is in New York City now. A lot of things could happen to somebody in New York City.

Yeah, this is a really dangerous town, Costanzo. And this guy, this thug of his, who's got like six lines before this, is ready to kill this kid. Oh, yeah. Descena, North by Northwest. It's insane. It's insane. He's chasing him through Central Park, firing a gun wildly. They get on a carousel in the park, and he's just throwing bullets at this kid.

And no cops are coming around, nothing. You're like, that's kind of weird. And he chases him up. He chases him into Columbus Circle, which is a massively populated part of Manhattan. And he's just firing wildly at this child. Which, by the way, like, I know you're a big fat guy, but you can catch up to this kid. Yeah. Uh-huh.

There's better ways to kill this kid than firing wildly in Manhattan. By the way, you're also a, you know, a compensated child killer. How do you not have a silencer on your pistol? Yeah, exactly. prep this shit the fuck are you doing it's all minkis's fault man he's too he's doing too much he's trying to lead this kid revolution he's trying to kill north he's trying to make john lovitz the president of the united states he's got a lot going on it's his own fucking fault i get it ambition but come on kid he's on level 12 a terminator two you know there's a lot of things

going on he's probably still running that newspaper because once a newspaper man always a newspaper man or some dumb shit that that character would probably say so uh there's a truck a borsed. And, you know... I think that should have been the alternate title of this movie. Truck full of borsed.

Directed by Rob Reiner. He's firing at this... He's firing at it and North jumps in and then North's been wearing this hat that has an E on it, which I'm pretty sure Elijah Wood is like, hey, can you just put an E on that hat? I'm like, yeah, sure, kid.

You're pretty good of this movie. So, and it's got red shit all over it. And he's like, oh, I killed that kid. And he's like, smiling it. to dance in the street. Listen, in, in situations where it's like the worst scusiest of Mafia hitman, any single time it comes up, you know, hey Jimmy, I need you to kill this kid. There is always a moment of, oh, I got to do this. This is the job.

Sometimes they go through with it. Sometimes they don't. but there's always that hesitation of like fuck the day is come I have to take a child's life this dude is just be bopping and scatting down Columbus Avenue just dancing

loving that he's holding a baseball cap that has this little kid's brains painted all over it so much so that he takes the hat as a trophy which we find out later which is the really weird part it's almost like John Savage in that SVU episode

where he's smelling all those baseball Calf. It's that show, I mean, that show goes over the line sometimes. It also gets the tone right. That's the skeevious moment on that entire show's history. It's him just smelling the cap.

It's like, Joey Fisher, 13, behind the bleachers. Just reeling it off. Just getting it all in. It's good till the last whiff, man. There's a scene in there where the Stabler has to switch out notebooks because he fills one up.

and Benson's just throwing up is he still doing it ew, ew, ew Finn's got to order more Chinese food we're going to be here for a really long time Is that child molester still smelling those hats Get to bed

You better get some sleep So the hat goes up to Winchell's office And he figures out it's not blood And by the way, this whole movie this whole part of the movie again this is for kids you know let's go kid power the main character kind of is dead

for like six minutes you think this kid gets I mean like obviously you know what a movie is but if you're young enough you're like oh shit that kid just got clipped like you know like oh my god that just happened that could happen to me I better behave never going on a carousel again

it's fucked up though because he's like yeah naught is dead and they're like long live the new flesh and like John Lovitz comes out like Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da jack and you're just like

oh my god this is actually it's mad it's utter madness this movie's descending into right and so everybody Debbie Harry's on a TV somewhere lick at her lips ooh that kid's dead oh man and so they're like

celebrating that North is dead like now the wheels are emotion like the kid revolution is on like here we go Viva la Kid right and then like somehow someone spots north somewhere at an airport he's trying to get on a plane to get back home and i mean it's like if you know the rebels saw pinochet's like secretary of state they fucking want to string them up right there oh yeah at the airport it's this really weird thing though where he's like one please and uh she's like oh i can't sell you this ticket uh

and you know he asks why and she says well because you're dead and there's like a newspaper headline that's like annoying kid murdered thankfully and crowd cheers yeah and she's just like so i don't know maybe you're dead and it's this bullshit back and forth like again kind of just ripping off the marks brothers a little bit like you know or a fucking abbott and costello like you're dead no i'm not yes you are the newspaper said so how am i to believe it i don't know you just have to take my word for it well i don't know you you could be dead i can't believe a zombie and it's just going on and on and I'm just pulling out whatever

hairs left on my head. You know, but the good thing is I left during the Dan Aykroyd scene. I'm at home enjoying myself doing something else. I'm actively trying to choke to death on popcorn in the movie theater. And these kids spot him. They just

kind of rough him up and he finally escapes and he runs into a FedEx truck driven by none other than Bruce Willis. I don't want to lose that Bruce Willis is a lounge singer in New York City named Joey Fingers Fingers

Steve Fingers He goes into Joey Fingers Dressing room And he gets set Straight right Oh yeah Straighten right out

He knows the tape He gets the right copy Of the tape Who gives the shit He's like Oh I want to watch what my parents gave me Hey can I use your VCR

Yeah sure Joey Fingers got a VCR Yeah let me Just take this tape I know You want to watch Hey kid you want to watch A tape with me

I got bunch of tapes I got so many tapes Do you like movies you know i make my own movies also by the way he north receives the actual like hard copy of this tape like the original cut uh because there's an in a kid informant who is working for winchell who decides he's going to turn on him because he he's always been loyal to north so this kid's playing deep throat okay and they're meeting in the park and that's it's it's before the assassination attempt and everything but it's just i wanted to mention it because

it's another point of kids pretending to be adults and it's precocious and disgusting and just adds to how dumb this movie is. You know what kids love aside from watching one of their own get shot in the back of their head? They love Woodward and Bernstein jokes. They really love it. References to Arthur Penn movies, I got all of them when I was nine. Well, because that's the thing, right? I mean, kids these days are those days in 1994, you're in the second grade. You know what you're doing?

you're studying up on the Watergate scandal every last piece of testimony you are just reading up on it as a second grade kid all the president's men was my favorite movie back then by the way the other thing is speaking of when when Winchell

finds out that North isn't dead like he sees the news report or whatever and he's like hey fat mobster I thought you told me that you killed North and he's like I did I got the proof right here and he takes this hat out of his pocket and does the whole, like, look, I did it.

And this kid, I get, it's so blood-boiling. He, like, sniffes it, and he's like, well, actually, this is Borsh, a common soup served cold with a little bit of sour cream on it, usually served in Russia, and he's doing this thing, like, he's just holier than everyone else on the side of this movie, and I just want to see him at the bottom of a river. It'd be great if, like, as he's saying that, we finally get inside one character's head and it's Robert Costanzo's like I'll have those glasses buddy end of the night kid you're my next trophy Robert Costanzo kid killer commish he's just blowing kids away

better movie absolutely better movie if all of a sudden he just goes on a killing spree and he's like that oh that's what you need right you need the adult rebel faction right you need all the adults who are meeting after all the kids go to bed at 730 because they're still kids so we can make kid jokes like that and they're like oh the kids are all asleep we're going to uprise and we're going to kill him and it's like we gotta get rid of these kids and one guy loses it and he's just like fucking trying to murder all these children

it's all Costanzo and he's just like he's taking down the mighty ducks you know yeah they're all getting the bad news bears are getting burned at the steak the little giants dead and the fucking team from the big green too I think oh yeah they're all gone the freckle the fucking sandlots getting it that's for sure oh the sandlot drawn and quartered every last one of them you know so

finally he gets back home like bruce willis fedex is his home there's a lot of bad product placement in this movie none worse than this where it's like if it's got to be if it's got to be there it's got to be fedex and bruce willis is like uh-huh and just you know like it's just spouting off fedex corporate lingo but again in weird like molesting kids and killing kids and child sex trafficking. He can't just give North a ride to this house. He's got to tape him up in a box. He's like, yeah, North, you'll fit in this box. It's fine. You just got to put your knees into your chest a little bit. And then

seven hours later, you'll be home. Why? Why are you putting him in a box? It's so, it's so creepy and weird. But anyway, he gets delivered. There's another guy who's dropping him off or whatever. And, you know, he has a standoff with Minkus or Pinkus or whatever the fuck and he slams him

against the wall and I'm like hey this is getting good Oh yeah If it turned into a little kid fight To the death Man I want a little kid fight Like it was just the year before

He did the good son You know how to fight kids Do it You've got your eyes set on a C plus Their movie Got your eyes dead set on a C plus Oh yeah It's a kitchen

It could be like a kill bill fight You know what I mean Like a good old fashioned Kitchen knife fight Oh absolutely Oh absolutely the terrors of domestic living exactly

just you're hitting somebody's head with the refrigerator oh man would that be great or wait what is it a born movie what's the movie where someone accidentally falls on the open dishwasher with knives up that's something

that's some movie that sounds more like a final destination thing if there's a fight in the kitchen and somebody gets pushed onto a fucking open dishwasher draw oh look out that's a way to go in the kitchen And I'd love to see Minkus do that. Why not?

I guess actually it probably would have to be because everybody in Final Destinations always getting like smashed by things and smushed. There's a lot of smushing in that franchise. It's always this happens, that happens, and then they burn alive. I'm just remember the one that always sticks out of my memories.

Like there's a paint of glass like above, like just be hanging above this kid. It just goes and he is nothing. Oh yeah. It's a good. That's a good. franchise. That is just and you know like

Alan Arkins rules that he had where if not on noon by Labor Day if he's not in his parents' arms or in the arms of an adult in a bunny costume he's going to the orphanage where no kid wants to go and it's an invalid life for a child.

I think the punishment should be he's put to death right? Because it's like okay North you want to strike out on your own. You want to try to do this? What's that? You messed up. Well, you had your chance. You made your big decision. Like the Valky conspirators. Just tie him to a fucking post and be done with it. Oh, yeah. Every last one of them, dude. So it's just a bullshit. And this is what's total bullshit about the whole thing, right?

So here's this little Minkis. And he's, he's already to induct John Lovitz as president of the United States. We're ready to have the inauguration. It's a new day in world history. kids are going to rule because kids rule yay it's going to happen right and then he goes by the way you might not make it to the mall in time because that's where your parents are why why would you do that just sit there just start just looking at your watch you know why he does it because he wants north to be a martyr and that's what's going to happen oh oh right because by the way everybody in case you didn't know Costanzo's still in play by the way because when when a little kid puts a hit out on you. That

hit is on till that hit is not on anymore. The contract needs to be completed. So he's got to run to the mall in six minutes, which of course he does, because that's the kind of setup we have. And we go through all the stuff that we saw before the tree house, blah, blah, blah. He's got to get to Raymore and Flanagan is where he's got

to get to. Because that fucking Labor Day sales going on, man. You can't, dude, there's no financing for eight months. Raymore and Flanagan. And Alan Arkin is like holding court on a leather couch and like I think he must split his time between the court and as the manager

of Ramor and Flanagan. He probably is. The kangaroo court and the manager at Raymore Flanagan. So he runs to the mall and it's just a big bullshit like they see him coming and Alan Arkansas like well it's coming down to the wire and they all they

run and Jason Alexander and Julie Louis Driveves are running for Elijah Wood Elijah Woods running for them and then sitting in North's favorite Bark-A-Loungeer is Robert Costanzo, and as soon as North runs past him, this fat bastard stands up and shoots him in the spine. It is something. I mean, like, you don't see the connection, but it's just, it's kid running, Costanzo,

Hey Oswald, Blam Town, baby. Oh, yeah, just you're finally killing kids. And, of course, at that moment he wakes up, but not before Costanzer goes, ugh. I did it So then he wakes up And he's He's fallen asleep In the Raymore and Flanagan

And the stores The lights are off The mall's closed And for some reason Unemployed BW is there Yeah he's just back He's done being the bunny for the day And he's like

Hey kid the mall's closing And you're like Now listen manager of the Raymore and Flanagan what are you doing you let this kid sleep all day all day he slept till closing time and then you closed the store with this child inside you're you're getting fired i think what the thing is right is that this dude this manager this unseen manager of this store sees what's going on and doesn't make any sudden movements and he just ran out real quick to get some wine coolers and he was about to be right back to wake north up and ask North what all his problems have a little party. Why not? That fucking Easter Bunny from upstairs came in and ruined the whole thing. Nosey Easter Bunny.

So Bruce Willis gives him a ride home and it's all... By the way, you should always, always, always accept rides from strangers. Absolutely. Always every single to 100%. Especially at night. Do not call your parents who are looking for you. Nope. Definitely just get in a car with somebody you don't know.

But he knows him so well because he's been in his dream, Steve. And he gave him a carrot. He did give him a carrot. and this is where the movie kind of like obviously like the who gives a shit about me watching a dream thing nobody does because who cares but he goes in his pocket and like at one point Bruce Willis gives him a specific coin that he shoots with a bullet and he still got in his pocket and he's like you don't think what what don't I think what what was that mean where do you get that from so did he get shot in the back is that what happened he got shot in the back and that was resurrected and you know Bruce Wells brought home it's one of those bullshit things where like you're making it even more bullshit by doing that. Yes, you're just confusing things. It's bullshit and it's disrespectful to your audience that has sat through this movie until this point and hasn't left or choked to death on popcorn intentionally, right? They sat through the whole thing and you're like, it was just a dream.

Whoops, got you. And you're like, oh, man, that's really upsetting. And then he pulls that coin out and you're just rubbing my face in it because then it's like, or was it? Or was it what? It's impossible. Nothing. Was he incepted? Like, what happened?

Yeah. Like, what do you even... I think this whole thing is just a cover up of one of the biggest child molestation scandals this world has ever not heard of. And it's that one coin was the key to the whole thing. Oh, somebody took him into like the photo booth place

and like they dressed up like Dan Aykroyd. They dressed up like an Eskimo. Oh, yeah. And it's all them. It's all these different people just coming through this, this Olin Mills photo studio. The Sears Portrait Studio, you know what I mean? And he's just got all these hazy memories of all this dress-up that he's been playing.

No, it's calling back to True Detective, it's probably like what happened on the tape. That Dan Aykroyd's there in a fucking tiger mask, where McIntyre's got the sheep mask on. Woody Harrelson can't keep his Lone Star down. Man, the greatest thing to come from that tape on that show is when they make a that fat sheriff watch it and it's the awesome it's it's like comical the way they do it

which is not good for what they're trying to do but they cut to a wide shot and the boat the boat is like way in the background of this shot and you just hear it is so it's so unintentionally the funniest moment on that show

oh it's great so they run out and they're like oh north you're not dead or molested well maybe the second one but you're home now it doesn't matter forget it and you know it's all the oh my god we missed you so much we're looking all over he's like oh really you care and he's like yeah they're like yeah we had a bad day yesterday what do you want for me i'm an adult like good days and bad days yeah and he's like oh that's all it was oh well all right remember how i didn't drink too much and hit you you're welcome remember how uh you don't sleep outside by a dumpster you're welcome oh it was tax

day? Oh, that's it. Okay. All right. Yeah, so you're fine. They were just stressed out because they were paying taxes. And I mean, they take him upstairs and they're like, you know what, North, we're really sorry about all this. It's never going to happen again. They've put him in a bedroom that's bigger than any apartment I've ever owned. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's ridiculous, too, because apparently from the time they went inside to when they're upstairs, he's told them everything about this dream. And you can see, like, the two of them are almost like, like, really heartbroken. Like, really, you, you dreamt that we did that to you? And we were that horrible. That's, that's, that's what you think of us, North? Ah, all right. Well, I guess I'll, uh, I'll turn off this wing of your bedroom.

I'll leave the $80,000 nightlight on for you in case you got to get up and go to your all marble bathroom. Oh, should I leave your $70,000 train truck running or do you want to close? Yeah. Because it actually, it. It costs just as much either way. Okay, it's your call. I know it soothes you to sleep and all, but, you know, whatever. And then the second they walk out of the room, you know, he's like,

I love you guys or something like that. And they've already walked out of earshot and they just start bickering again. And he's like, oh, no, it's happening. No, you know what? They're all right in my book credits. It'd be great if they went the other way. It's like, you know, they're bickering. He's like, my parents.

I mean, here's something in a closet. What, though? fuck and he just kind of gets up and he's like Bruce Willis is it like Alan Ark out and he opens the door and it's Robert Costanzo and he just chokes him to death I don't oh that would be awesome he opens

the closet door and walks through and it's an empty room and he walks in and it's like Joe Pesci and Goodell oh no he just blows his brains out oh Costanzo always gets his man there's no comeuppance with like John Lovitz or the kid or

Because it was a fantasy. You know, it doesn't even matter. That's why these dream endings are just such fucking horseshit because you don't have to account for anything once you reveal that, you know? Like, it's possible that John Lovitz in this world, like, doesn't even exist. Isn't it more interesting if it's real? I mean, not interesting with a capital eye, but with a lowercase eye that you have to change the font of read. Of course it is.

And I'll tell you, as someone who watched the movie for the first time last night, I was not paying attention the zone out shot that you were talking about I missed that so I didn't register that it's a dream until the end when they they spell it out for you and everything

and I was even more upset because when you're watching it you're like okay the least you can say about this movie is if he's intentionally making this movie this bat shit crazy then there's something to be said for it you're doing something you created this madcap world where kids almost take over everything it's you created a world period

you created a world that's and that's something a filmmaker has to do for a successful movie yeah but and this goes back to what i was talking about about fantasy just because you've made a fantasy does not give you carte blanche to say fuck it to everything yeah exactly you do not get to do that exactly have to have some kind of center to it and that's what west anderson always has a center to everything that happens this is just like fuck it whatever kids i don't know divorce the parents who gives shit it's a dream so it doesn't even matter who cares yeah i'm like the i'm a box office titan guys i don't even give a fuck what really like there's a there's a possibility that people in your audience are invested in whether

or not mincus succeeds yeah you know whether or not john lovitz actually becomes president of the united states and you're you're just you're you're you're disrespecting those people who might be interested in your movie it's it's a it's a 96 minute gotcha yeah that's all it is Would anybody recommend North? No, I wouldn't. But I would recommend the lowest point of John Lovitz's career, which is right now, it's on syndication and it's called Mr. Box Office. He plays Bill Belabee's agent where Bill Belabee is a Hollywood star sentenced to be a teacher at Intercity School. Holy shit.

It's not a joke. And it's the worst. It's like unwatchable anti-comedy. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, welcome back Cotter directed by Lars Van Trier. It's just bizarre. Is it intentional like Norm MacDonald anti-commoner? No, no, no, no. It's just, it's like lowest common denominator.

Let's, let's just give him something to watch. Oh, man. But no, this movie is wretched. I mean, see Roger Avers review. Yeah. Yeah. You talk to me. Whatever you do, do not watch this movie, uh, but do read his review.

His review gives you everything you need. And I mean, it is just, I, a very because a review like that you imagine like in your head before you read it you're like oh my god that maybe must be long and it just be a diatribe of how much he hates every piece of it it's a very concise piece of writing and it just is like nothing there's nothing here and nothing here for you to enjoy what's great about the review and probably the best part of it you know it's not the hilarious parts where he's saying hate over and over again it's the fact that he acknowledges that rob riner is in fact an incredibly talented guy, an incredibly talented director who's made great movies. And this is just a confusing

as all get out misstep and what's been an otherwise pretty great career. After this, it's down. It's a downward spiral. Like everything he's made since this has been, you know, not as bad as this. Yeah. But certainly not as good as even his like mid-level stuff. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to recommend this movie, although I'll say if you're curious, it's, at least a fast 96 minutes it gets it's done shorter than Star Wars it's shorter than Star Wars so yeah that's now the new

thank you Steve because this is now the new famous we hate movies gauge yeah you know it's it's a really good you know gauge of a movie temperature I'm just your time really just like do I want to watch Star Wars or do I want to watch Star Wars exactly

and so yeah I mean it goes by fast it's kind of an odd curiosity like I'm not going to flat out say don't see it. I'm not going to recommend it, but I'm not going to hold you to the fire if you say you want to do it. I'm not going to bust your ass about it. I will say the best work Rob Reiner's done in the last however many years is his one, him and Wolf of Wall Street is fantastic. Oh, with that equalizer saying. Oh, God, it's great. That and also he plays Zoe Deschanel's dad on New Girl. And he's absolutely hilarious in that show. Yeah, don't confuse it. I'm just talking about him as a director and as a writer. Right, right, right. As a performer, he's always been top marks.

He's always classed a lot of stuff up. And I'll also say, go see Grand Piano with Elijah Wood. It's really good. Totally like nail-biting good time. Also with hilarious John Cusack hamming up the joint. So there's always that to look forward to. How did you not get either Cusack in this movie? I feel like this is, this is as Joan Cusack written all over at this North.

Rita Wilson has a throwaway part. Why isn't Joan Cusack just another one of the parents? Yeah, there's a lot of those weird. I mean, Brin Hartman, just in this movie for no reason. Everybody just wanted a piece in North? Well, I mean, it's Rob Reiner and, you know, Elijah Wood, catch a rising star. Let's get, this is boxed off as gold, baby. It's Rob Reiner, and I'm sure he sold it as a fantasy to everybody.

And everybody's like, oh, man, the Princess Brides great. I love that movie. He knows her stuff. Yeah, let's do this. The script came to my door. Oh, my God. Am I committed? Oh, my God, I'm committed.

That'll teach you to sign first read later. That's why Bruce Willis's narration is just like, I can't believe. How did I do? And North went to, come on, guys. How did I fucking sign this? Come on. This is bullshit. Put ESP.

No, I want ESPN on while I read this. Don't, don't mute it. I do not. I held up. Die Heart 3 for this. Really? Okay. Well, that Native American guy's cool.

Maybe he could be in that movie. All right. That's at least something. Gary's a nice guy. Gary's pretty nice. That's North from 1994, directed by Rob Reiner. Good job, Rob. If you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about we hate movies,

check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at Gmail.com. want to know how many of you saw this in the theater. We all hate movies at gmail.com.

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