We Hate Movies - S4 Ep152: Joysticks

Episode Date: April 8, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang gets nostalgic for '80s arcade culture with the ?classic? raunch comedy, Joysticks! How does this nerd fall for that sorority prank at the beginning? Why isn't Joe Don Baker tossing furniture in this movie? And isn't it beautiful to see the entire high school caste system melt away once these characters enter the glorious video arcade? Plus: Joe Don Baker gets mistakenly cast in Boogie Nights! Joysticks stars the great Joe Don Baker, Leif Green, Jim Greenleaf, Scott McGinnis, Corinne Bohrer & Jon Gries; directed by Greydon Clark. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Cisca. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into our fine little program. If you're here for the first time, welcome, kickback, put your feet up, relax.

Maybe get ready to fire up your PS-4s or your Xbox ones after this. Maybe do a little bit of beverage cracking. Because today we're talking about a very entertaining film in what we have dubbed the boob comedy genre. It is Joysticks from 1983, directed by a fellow named Graydon Clark, who is no stranger to sleep. easy comedies of this kind and this film like many Graydon Clark films stars our good friend of Mr. Joe Don Baker

Ooh, what was Graydon's other works then? Well, one that comes to my head right away is he also with Joe Don Baker directed Final Justice. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a classic NST3 guy, right? Thanks for that.

Grayden Clark. Yeah, this dude's got a couple of movies with Joe Don Baker. There's one that came out before this in 82. That's like a horror comedy. I don't remember what it's called. It sounds like they were thick as thieves. They might have been. I mean, one of them was definitely thick. Yeah, yeah. It's Joe Donne. You got to say thick. Thick. Thick cut bacon that Joe Dunn Baker. Bigger. Thick cut baker. I mean, do you think Joe Don Baker and him had like a falling out? Like it was a like a De Niro Scorsesey thing. It's like Scorsese is like, now I'm going to do DiCaprio from now on. And Joe Dunbaker just won't talk to him anymore. Oh, yeah. Fuck yourself. Graden. and Clark found like a new muse. Yeah. It's a 1 a.m.

like bitter phone call. A couple of, you know, Johnny Walker. Oh, I'm sorry. Jim Beam, Joe Don Baker. Tyraids that he had to deal with. Well,

it's like when, when, what's his name there? Our good friend from a dream catcher and hung. Tommy Jane. When Tom Jane rolls up

towards the end of boogie nights and he's like pushing Mark Wahlberg like kind of out of the picture. that's what happened. Joe Don was like, if anyone's going to be doing some fucking around here,

it's me. The day Joe Don Baker allows a prosthetic to be near him. No, no. Yeah, that's not happening.

He's going whole hog in these movies. It's all natural. We're discussing, now if you're just joining us, we're discussing Joe Don Baker playing a role in boogie nights

where he, he fucks a bunch of people. And shows his own penis because he refuses to let PT Anderson use a prosthetic. I know, you know, I feel like, that's the running theory.

Or, I mean, maybe he would use a precedent but tell everyone it's real because, come on. I mean, Joe, again, you know, he's a thick man. You know, he's probably sick somewhere. Eh, I mean. I mean, look, it's not impossible that Joe Don Baker. It's not impossible that Joe Don Baker has a micro penis. That's how we're starting.

I'm a grower, not a shower. So this film, Joe Stuck. So Joe Stubbaker then demands. to be full mass before he's judged. Hey, P.T. You're going to let me get hard as a rock first. You hear me?

That's gross. Joysticks. So, you know, we're rated explicit in iTunes. And if your kids are in the room, that's your problem. You're a terrible parent. Or the coolest parent ever, depending upon how old your kid is.

You got a 15-year-old kid, and you listen to this show, you're a cool mom or dad. But you've got a 7-year-old. You're kind of a creep. Well, here's the thing. Here's the positive thing, though. Yes.

Get ready for a lot of hilarious, like, toddler swearing or young kids swearing because it's adorable. It really is. Like, a good, like, toddler back is like, it can get you sometimes. One day, you know, you're going to sit them down, talk about the birds of the bees, and they'll be like, I've heard we hate movies. Hello. I know everything there is.

I could put two a do together. Dad, remember when you renounced headphones? I will only play this podcast Blaring through the home entertainment system Headphones be damned What a purist Oh yeah So speaking of sex

This movie Joysticks has a lot of sex In it we start out with an awesome song Singing about video games I mean I'm sorry but I think we need to play some of it Yeah you need to be treated to this We've left Jerk it right Sop in air, breath in side, shoot fast, shoot straight, video to the mass.

One now, two to the door, can't stop on a roll. Video. Joystick, you need a wait for video. Joystick, please let me have a corner. Video, joy stick. I've got to have a corner. Totally awesome video game. So that's how we're starting it out.

And there's this girl, and she's just playing this video game. And it's kind of annoying because it keeps cutting to different video games, but it's the same girl at the console. So it's like, which game are you playing? But is that, is that to service the song? Because it's not totally awesome video game. It's totally awesome video games. Totally awesome video games.

There it is. But there's also a lot of fucking, like, jerk that joystick. Yeah, there's a lot. a lot of weird, like, you're pushing the button. You're pulling the stick. You're flicking the beam. Those, those were all, all those things you just said were new at the time. So it was very exciting. And this, I mean, it's a girl in these tennis shorts and obviously this, I mean, it's, I mean, it's a boob comedy, so it's going to be a little misogynistic. But this is like some piss poor misogyny. Like, he's just like, Chris Cabin dissatisfied with the level of

misogyny in this movie. Chris Cabin misogyny connoor. first of all she's playing an arcade game in an arcade that's not even the place that there's an arcade in this movie and it's not even that arcade it's some random arcade honestly it's a better looking arcade yeah it looks cleaner there's light coming in you're not burning your retinas well maybe they film this movie chronologically so like they had the permit to film it like some mall arcade and then one day the mall manager walked by while they were filming and he was like wait a minute what is this movie about and like he saw what was going on playing the Wait, wait, wait, playing the struid the joystick flicking the bean. No, no, no, no, no, no, you guys get out of here. This is a family mall, God damn, and I won't have this happening in here. Mr. Director, why is your camera just, like, almost up that girl's asshole? You'll see. Also, yeah, because primarily this movie takes place in this arcade, which is a converted, like, warehouse space.

It's clearly not a real building. I don't know what could have, like, what business would have, thrived in this space. Snuff film production company. Possibly. And that's the thing, right? It's so sleazy looking in this place. We're not supposed to be with Joe Don Baker

because he's the stuck-up adult. We're supposed to be with the kids and we want the arcade to live forever. But I'm like, this is a really gross looking arcade. I've been to some shit arcades, but this is a gross looking arcade. And if it got shut down, one, these kids would find

a new place to hang out, but two, Probably not the worst idea in the world. It's just one of those places you look at it and you can smell it. Like it's just, and I mean, it's home to Dorfus. So I mean, we'll get to Dorfus. But yeah, you're right. Old hot dogs, stale beer. Probably a sticky floor.

Sticky floor. Tons of cigarette smoke. The thing is, I think it's a rugged floor. So it's like worse than that. It's worse than the sticky floor. There's so much old soda stains. Just stuck in it. You guys just described heaven to me.

That in the original T2 arcade game? Oh, yeah. That's all you want. That's a great arcade game. They play that in North. I wanted it so bad. That was the jealousy in North was, it riled me up. So we start out with this nerd after the opening number.

This nerd getting a drive-by-stooping. This is really weird. So here's this nerd. He's driving his first day on the job at this arcade. He's singing Camp Town Races Like you do Suppose And these two

It's like Bo Bo Bo Bo Babi watch And like these two women come up And they're like Hey you want to come in our car And hang out And he's like Yeah I guess so

But I'm gonna be late for work And they're like Oh you work at the arcade Oh that's so hot Right away nerd There's nothing hot About working at the arcade These girls are clearly up to something

Which they are It's a sorority premise It's, yeah, it's a sexy prank. It happens. But, like, in that nerd's position, that nerd has no other recourse than to walk into the sexy prank because it's the closest to sexy. He's good, right? Yeah, you know, you have a point. He may know, right?

It's easy prey, but it's like, but he's got to, he might know about it. But, you know, there's that off chance that maybe he'll get a little somewhere. Yeah, like, he's been humiliated before, so it's fine. Like, what's another humiliation amongst dozens? I mean, he's probably been, like, telling us. friends that he's like on the second base before and it was really just like his arm touched his like friend of his mother's boob at one point so now this is aunt katherine's boob just touched his shoulder and he's like yeah at second base bro so he might have yeah he might not

be trying to get a home run here he might be trying to just get you know replenish the spank bank just maybe get to that third base just maybe get to it put some new memories in SSDD Yeah, so he gets in this car and, like, you hear the babes, like, you know, conversing, you know, off on the side. Like, we got to do it for the sorority. All we need is a picture of him with his pants down. And you're like, oh, I saw this coming a mile away, nerd. What's his name, Elliot? Eugene.

Oh, Eugene. Yeah. And so they're like, oh, yeah. All right, Eugene. How about this? I'll go first. You know, and then the other goes like, yeah, I'm just going to watch. And he's like, oh, watch, huh?

Now here's the thing, Eugene. you have to know what's going on at this point. They're ready to do this right here. They're in a convertible. In the middle of the street, in the middle of the day. Somebody's up to something, Eugene, and it's not just you. Yeah, I mean, I guess

it's supposed to be a small... River City, which is kind of funny because it's a reference to the music man where they're trying to shut down a billiards club. Ah, that's the music man. That's a deep reference. Well, this is what happens when

you have a girlfriend who was in, you know, the theater. The theater. Legitimate theater. Legitimate musical theater. So I think, yeah, I mean, like small town cops, they see a guy standing up in his boxer shorts in a convertible. Oh, you're getting the chair. Somebody's getting you.

Yeah, you were getting a billy club right up the side of the skull. And this cop just drives by and this dude is standing there. Because by the way, he pulls his pants down and he says, uh, get ready to see Simba. He's named his cock Simba, which like... Pre-Lion King, where's that name coming from? Do you think they took... Do you think Disney took it from... Oh, yeah. No, I think it's from something

else. I mean, probably. Because, I mean, yeah. He's like, all right, get ready to look at Simba. And he pulls his pants down and they're like, obviously, we got you. And take a picture of him. And then, like, you know, they steal his pants also. And they're like, just meet us at the arcade Eugene and drive away. This cop is there. Like, you're getting a citation of some kind. There's a $200 fucking ordinance that you fractured somewhere.

This is happening. You are now out of pocket. This cop just crawls by, like, shaking his head, like, kids. Oh, kids. So, by the way, off the internet ticker, uh, Simba, a mud hut in Kenya, a Swahili word for lion. Oh, so he's just saying, here's this lion. He just knows Swahili, I guess. Oh, good for him.

I mean, he is a nerdling here, so. He does look, yeah. Yeah, I mean. So Eugene has started his first day at this arcade. Do we have a name for the actual arcade? I think it's just Bailey's video arcade, which is named after Grandpa Bailey, who's the owner of the arcade, the rightful owner. But we are introduced. One of our heroes in the movie is Jeff Bailey, who's, he's a bit of a stud.

And his grandpa is out of town. so he is the acting manager of Bailey's video arcade. So we have Eugene the nerd who's new on the job. Jeff Bailey, who's the cool, handsome manager. And then we have Dorcas. Andrew something McDorcas.

It's Dorfus, right? Oh, Dorfus. Yes, excuse me. Dorfis. He's the former class president who ruined his life playing video arcade games. He's in, he's the portly because of IMDB. He is

the portly, uh, bully in evil speak. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. How about that? We could shut down the show. Yeah. We got it.

We connected something back to the beginning. So the end. When Eugene finally gets like to the video arcade and he's going through making his rounds and stuff, we're introduced to many people whose lives have been ruined by video games. And it's weird because there's a, there's a monk playing video games. And we're talking about a full on friar tuck. Oh, yeah. He's in a brown friar robe. Yeah, he's got his head shaved or whatever, and he's just going apes shave.

He thinks Eugene is a priest. He keeps yelling like, Father, I lost my last token. Father, you have to help me. Like, this dude has descended into madness. Guess what? You can't go back to the church. You know, like you're, you're in a, they don't take in crazy. You're in a boob arcade. But also, being turned by like, like, by Tetris, really? the thing that turns you out. It's that song, man. I guess... The Tud-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

The Tetris-the-song? I don't even know if that was it, but that's going to be my new ringtone. You want me to pull this audio when we're done? Yeah, please, isolate that. And then the next guy is a curly impersonator. Oh, that's right. I thought it was... I thought it was what's his name, the dude who played curly in that new Three Stoge's movie from

from... Will Sass-o? Yeah, and then I was like, wait a minute, this is 1983. Will Sassau was like 10 years old, probably. He kind of looks like Will Sassau, but yeah, this dude's just doing a curly impression. Will Sassau might be in this movie, but not that role. Somewhere in the background. Yeah, he's probably just hanging out.

He's probably one of the kids when you see the kids later. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's playing Metroid or something in the back. Yeah, this dude's just like doing the woo-w-woo-bo-woo, and like rubbing his hand over his face. And Eugene's just like, oh, there's another regular. You're like, no, there's some demented fuckers in this place. Again, I'm kind of siding with Joe Don Baker. Get these people out of here. And I'm kind of siding with the other side.

With the crazies? Yeah, I'm like, you know, there's got to be somewhere to put him. A booby hatch, if you will. I'm not going to go against McDorfis, so I believe I have to be on their side too. Because, I mean, he's going to... Man, this dude who plays McDorfis, or just Dorfus for most of the movie. The family name is McDorfis. His nickname is Dorfus.

Of the clan McDorfis. Yes, exactly. He had the proud clan McDorfis. And he was the class president. He was the class president. He's burned out. I'm saying that this fat guy is legitimately entertaining in this movie. Yeah.

He's over the top most of the time. He's doing the fat guy thing. I mean, he's a talented fat guy. He's mastered the fat guy role. He's got a Hawaiian shirt on. Yeah. Sweating constantly. He's got a white undershirt that.

is long gone from its days of whites. Oh, it's like phlegm colored. Yeah, with like all kinds of stains and stains, like, you got a stain on your shirt, you're like, oh yeah, I got that stain because chocolate or whatever. This dude has so many stains on one shirt.

You can't tell where one ends, the other begins, and he has no idea how any of them got there. It honestly looks like it's about to disintegrate. It could just, it could just dissolve off of his body at any second. The key thing to all fat guy actors is the way, especially fat guy comedians,

is the way you contort your body when you fake fart. It's a key part of how you build your craft really. And this guy's got a good shake. Fart craft. Yeah. His far craft, like he's got a good, like, lift up the leg and shake it a bit thing going on.

Yeah, I mean, this guy really knows how to fake fart and fucking sell it, man. And it's not like on sale either. This is a full price selling this fart. And let me tell you, this movie is a no short supply of fake huge farts. I can't believe we're back

to farts so soon on this show. They're not serious or gothic farts. Well, yeah, we're not trying to do sad horror farts. These are farts created 100% for comedy. Yeah, they're upbeat, happy go lucky farts. Which is how farts should be. Very poppy farts.

Actually, though, we'll get to it at the end of this discussion. There are some sexy farts in this movie. Oh, yeah. Some really weird sex parts. Now, here's one thing. Tell me if I'm wrong here. Has anybody in this room been in an arcade that served food? That's a good point. I don't think so. I don't believe that. I've never been. And I've been in a fuck ton of arcades. It was always a thing where like if the arcade was attached to something else. So like the arcade wasn't the prime thing. Like if you were at like a roller ring or something. And they had the arcade in the back. But there was also like a concession stand.

But this is an arcade with a concession stand. which makes no fucking sense. At least the way we had it where we grew up was like you went to the arcade in the mall. Yeah. It was usually at like the back of the food court so like you could eat and then go into the arcade. Sidebar.

Any cool arcade names you guys know from growing up? What was your local arcade name? Man, I don't. I'll tell you mine. It was. You can go first. Yeah. I believe it was called Cyberstation.

Whoa. Yeah. Cyber station. They got in early on the cyber word, you know. I mean, we wasn't... What are you talking, like, 1994? I think earlier than that, maybe, or around then, yeah. One of mine was just a straight up game zone.

Yeah, no thinking about it, just going right in it. Yeah, like a game center or something. And then the one that I went to the most, which was in the movie, the same mall in the movie theater that we all worked at, all being me and Chris in this room. But it was like the multiplex upstairs. And then in the downstairs, there was at the back. at the food court, it was just like the

arcade. Like, there wasn't a name for it. It just said arcade, I think. With like bulbs around it. But they knew what was up, though, dude. That was, when you found like a solid arcade, you didn't want to see that thing die. And then you just, you fucking watched

it, dude. Like, as the years went by and home consoling was like the bigger and bigger thing. Yeah. Thanks a lot. Yeah, totally. I mean, I was thinking about that, you know, it's the second time I've watched this movie now and this time around I was like there's really no use for these

unless you want like the big like huge like DDR machines or whatever actually you know the this this I don't know how new it's not really a new trend but the barcades that are in the New York area all for that

you know vintage yeah I mean that stuff's great because it's vintage games and those games were stuff the enemy it's all nostalgia now I mean if you go to an arcade It is the DDR things or like super racing games. It's all racing games. You're all sitting down and doing it.

And if anyone from barcades listening, please expand to Queens immediately. Oh, yeah. We could use an Astoria or Long Island City barcades. There is a primo space available on 35th Avenue. Just going to put it out there. Cisker Realty. Yes.

The old five napkin burger. So adding to this cast of characters, those are our three main fellas. there's also King Vidiot and the Vidiot gang The guy is John Whatever

What is it? Grease, yeah John Grease from Lost and Napoleon Dynamite Get Shorty He's Delory Lindel's partner He is King Vidiot Who, they're these like

goth punk rockers Kind of like a Frankfurter thing It's like a new wave Yeah And so they are again Just obsessed with video games and you know they're kind of like the antagonist of the film they're not the villain joe dun baker is clearly the villain of this movie but what i find interesting is so we have geoffrey bailey like our main guy who's like the stud jock guy eugene the nerd dorfis the fat pig party animal tons of babes all over the place and babes of all kind like babes and then like valley girls and mall chicks all that stuff now that i think about it i don't think there is a girl in this that isn't a babe there's no nerd girl girl for Eugene, which is unfortunate. That's what I didn't completely get. The girl,

the main girl for most of this movie is this girl named Patsy. Yes. Who ends up being Joe Don Baker Rutter's daughter. Joe Don Baker, whose character name is Rutter. Yeah, Mr. Rutter. Joe Don Baker Rutter. That's my name now. I married. He married. I hyphenated it. But she should be like the, like, you know, uptown girl smarter than the rest of them. right she's hanging on the wrong side of the tracks you know you know has some real feelings for jeff bailey maybe yeah that's the character she but it's just like a valley girl art type she's not a straight like she should be kind of like a straight man yeah yeah yeah but what i what i was getting to was all these people plus then when you see the goths run in and everything it's really

interesting because in this bailey's video arcade there's no high school social cast system to speak of it's kind of cool everyone here is more or less on equal footing. And you see like there's a bunch of like Latin gangsters that come in. You know, there's a bunch of like hip black dudes hanging out like playing games and they've headphones on the stuff. The fucking hell's angels or, there's bikers or heroin in the back. Like everyone at the video arcade is on like equal footing, which is very cool until Joe Don Baker comes in and tries to shake things up. So here we are. It's a big, you know, video game party. We're introduced to all the characters. And then Joe Don Baker.

gets out of this car and he's a big so-and-so high up in society mr rudder he's like a respected businessman in the town and he comes in to pull his daughter patsy out of this place and he acts like he walks in on like a colligula-esque orgy and it's just all these kids playing video games yes there's a couple of women that are running around topless but it was for hilarious prank related reasons and he comes in like oh what's all this crap in here get everybody out of here this is ridiculous patty you're coming with me and you're just like nah now now you're the enemy. I thought it was going to be King Vitiate because he's an antagonist, but no, no, no, no. Now we all have to team up

because Jodun Baker's trying to shut this place down. And he's trying to shut this place down from fucking minute one, man. Well, I mean, because King Vidiot is the Bain. And, you know, and, you know, and Rodder is Mr. Freeze. Joe Don Baker's the Talia Al-Gul of the situation. Yes. Yeah, I mean, you kind of, he is the Dean Warmer type. Yeah. I mean, this is a 1980s

boob comedy, so you need that. Whether it's set at a ski resort, at a university, at a hamburger university, you know, or, you know, at a video arcade, you need the guy who's trying to shut whatever down. That's the central load of shit about this movie. Is that... Shots fired. Well, because in a movie like this,

it's like, first of all, Jeff Bailey, the guy who owns this thing is he is like an Adonis. He's a handsome devil. He's a handsome guy. He's always dressed to the nines. He's always clean cut. And he owns a video arcade. That's not the clientele nor the people who are interested in franchising out

arcade. It's the family business, though. It's his grandfather, remember. I suppose, but like, it just didn't make much sense to me because these kind of movies it's always the jock type. You know what else didn't make much sense, Chris? the fact that that guy named Jay Gatsby would throw all those crazy parties and never go to them, really.

I mean, he would hang in the back. He'd look out the window. Look at that green light across the lake. That's sort of, I feel like Jeff Bailey here, you know, is because we do find out that he's got a long lost love as well. Oh, God. Oh, my God. This is a secret Gatsby. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a secret Gatsby story.

You're totally right. Jeff Bailey, he's got a. Secret love, right? Who he does not see. He's unaware of her location. Yeah. And he doesn't play video games because it reminds him of her being torn away. Much like Jay Gatsby can't bring himself to attend these parties for it drums up all of these hurtful feelings.

And the vague wealth, you know, like, oh, you know, his grandfather. I haven't seen him before, but he, pray tell owns this place, you know. it's it's it's quite something secret gets me i mean i did wonder about my macdorfus's last line was ceaselessly into the past yeah i was wondering that i mean it's all connected it was an odd move from macdorffus ripped a fart and he said that yeah i mean he's been eating and ripping farts the whole time now that okay so speaking of ripping farts by the way so joe don baker is like you know come on patty we're going home and like you pulls it's kind of weird because he gets a very

handsy with this girl and it's this big bear joe don baker just throwing around this you know tiny girl you know he's like come on patsy and like throws the the actress like out of the way you're my property yeah and then fucking macdorffus is like oh yeah joan baker and does a total leg lift like fart on him and joan baker a plus in the disgust department he starts choking on this thing and it's just like And what's weird is everybody, like, it's in my mouth. Yeah, he is, he is instantly. He is instantly disgusted with this fart. And then everybody else is like, yeah, McDorfis did it.

And nobody else is phased by this, which again, brings up a point, Chris. It probably smells like shit in this arcade. Oh, it's got to smell like garbage. If you're living in the monkey house, you're not going to smell it. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, speaking of smelling it, after, after doing it, Gorphish scares this guy off with his flatulence. He stops to smell it.

He stops to sniff it. He takes a sample of his work and it's disgusting. All right. And also just set the scene here. Now, like, Eugene is sort of our clean slate into this place. Correct. He's our way into this world. So not only was he sexually assaulted on his way into work.

Once he gets there, he accidentally, or I forget exactly how it happens, but he's serving up a hot dog at the concession. stand man yeah it goes down this girl's shirt in between the yeah you know and then i mean it's just a uh a greasy sexy situation the wire work that would be needed to get the hot dog in between this i mean it's crouching tiger hit dragon chow young fat could have been there he was jumping on trees yeah into her cleavage oh yeah the choreography for this hot dog to dance down that cleavage is amazing and it's so stupid because

it's like all right Eugene yeah this is really embarrassing and this girl's just standing there staring at him like well what are you going to do about it she just leaves it in there and he it's a hot hot dog right it's piping hot and she's just like come on what are we going to do about this

and he's trying with like the tongs and then the hot dog breaks it's like you know what take your fucking hand excuse yourself pull the hot dog out and be done with it. Just be done with it. Oh, I thought you were to say, eat it out. Well, you know, if you want to take it out with your teeth,

then a party's really going on. I mean, it's kind of, I mean, it's pretty good symbolism because that's what he's doing to his chances of getting laid. He's just, like, messing with it and mangling it. So, you know, the plot of this movie is Joe Dunbaker tries to get this place shut down through a series of things. And then, you know, in between the shutdown attempts, There's just a bunch of silly vending.

Gags. Just so many gags. Including one where Jeff is playing like strip gaming with these two ladies. And they pipe in like fire extinguisher

spray through a vent and the girls think the room is on fire and Jeff's like, oh my God, we're all going to die. These girls run out. Of course they run out topless into the arms of Joe Don Baker. someone takes a photograph it's very silly yeah that yeah that's that is a sexy prank on now now see they're like dorfus was playing that on jeff like did i don't know if they were

necessarily setting up jonah baker i mean it was very convenient i don't get is that none of these because jeff wasn't into it yeah that's for sure well that's things i don't know but he's into it the minute he finds out what it is that's because he almost immediately knows what it is because he's like oh that's a fire extinguisher not smoke yeah he figures it out right Because he's laughing at them. But at first, he thinks he's going to die. He's like, I will be burned alive without finding my long-lost love. Yeah, totally.

Sandy. Yeah. Like your name is Sandy, we've come to find out in this picture. I've moved across this country owning arcades trying to find Sandy. This episode's brought you in part by Rocket Money. And they have this question for you. They handed to me just now, Mr. Rocket just handed me this.

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WHM today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelphelp.com slash WHM. There's also the van sequence, which is like, again, Eugene is very new on his feet here. He's wet behind the ears, this Eugene.

So he comes in, and he's like, oh, Mr. Jeffrey, there's a van outside, and it's rocking back and forth. And, like, Jeff and Dorfus are, like, laughing. Like, why don't you go check it out, Eugene? And Jeff's like, yeah, I'll put you in charge. That's your first big task, Eugene. You're in charge of the task force assigned to figuring out what's going on there. And he hops up on the roof. Of course, the sunroofs open because it's California.

Yeah, you're relaxing in your van hot tub. By the way. Like, what are you even talking about van hot tub? Yeah, how do you retrofit that? The motor? I don't know. Guaranteed that water's fucking disgusting. Oh, it's gross.

It's got to be gross. I am kind of disappointed that I missed van culture. Are you kidding, man? Like, if van culture came back with the technology we have now? Pretty sick vans, dude. Oh, there'd be some pretty sick vans. What's that? movie where there's like

a killer van or something is that super a super van I don't know super van Is that a super van a killer van or a party van There might be two different movies I thought it was a killer van Maybe it is I mean there's playing movies about party van

I might be confusing it with that movie The car though Or that car is haunted by the devil Yeah yeah yeah With James Brolin Yeah that You know that movie sounds better than it is It's a little, a sleeper.

By the way, Eugene's brought in. He's supposed to be kind of like an accountant type, correct? No, he's like, he's hired to work at the concession stand. He's just, he's just a kid from the high school, I guess. Why not fucking a janitor? A place, somebody to clean this shit up. Because janitors, you got to pay money. Well, I mean, you can fucking put a broom in Eugene's hand.

No, he's, he's doing janitorial work, though, because that's how he meets Dorfus is he's like, going around, he's polishing up all the consoles, and then he's, he's yelling at Dorfus because he's a fat pig who's got food on top of the video game. Right. Yeah, popcorn and stuff. And he ruins Dorfus. Dorfus was about to get seven figures on Pac-Man or some shit. Yeah, real exciting stuff. You know, real groundbreaking moments in his life. It was riveting back then, you know. That was the first time anyone was getting seven figures on Pac-Man. Now, yeah, the King of Kong. Yeah, yeah, that was a good movie. like that. So anyway, he's on top of this van.

Oh, yeah. And there's some serious fucking going on inside of it. Oh, yeah. It's getting pretty wet and wild in there. Like, we actually have the moment where, you know, but the thing is like, we actually hear that these people just

eject, let me just say, you know, I'll try to say a medical term here. Into that water. That's what I'm saying. It's guaranteed disgusting. Someone's getting ringworm in this hot tub or pregnant. And, I mean, how is the drainage working? Where you just, like, shit water coming out of your van all the door?

Dale, definitely named Dale, the dude who owns this van. After the day's worth or the week's worth of shenanigans, depending upon how busy Dale is, Dale drives up to, like, you know, the hill on the outskirts of town and just dumps the fucker out. Shitter's full. Yeah, just tips, opens the door, tips over the hot tub, empties all the disgust out onto the, you know, just the... All the leaders of him out into the... Then you just, you know, you put some... You spray it with some lysol there, you know,

and then fill it back up with water. You're ready to go for the weekend, man. Well, yeah, because like... Dale's Van Hot tub. Dale and his regular girl, I'll call her Clarice. They are both naked. They're both naked and they're both like... It's kind of like a swinger.

Like, they're in their like late 30s, 40s, it looks like. Yeah, it's an older couple. They're hanging out in the park. a lot of a fucking arcade doing this? Sounds good to me. They've got little champagne glasses. They're drinking after they've already

they've done their stuff. And then they're drinking their champagne. Eugene's on the sunroof peering in like a fucking creep weirdo. The girl sees them. She's cool with it because they, that's the things they probably want to get caught. A third for backgammon.

Absolutely. Yeah. They're like, oh yeah, look at us. Look what we just did. Well, he sees. And he falls right in. He falls into that house. Face first into that cesspool.

Eugene has all sorts of shit now. Yeah. Gross. Yeah, he spends the rest of the movie shaking and freezing in a towel and pissing blood. No, I believe it comes out like the guy, the guy who gets hit with the acid bath and robocop. Yeah, you would have to come out of a monster. Yeah, exactly. You're a monster after that.

sure uh so jodan baker has these two nephews who are like idiot nephews you know and they're like his number one and number two guys you know i believe john deal's the number one because i can remember the actor who played him john deal john deal john deal he's the villain in mo money oh yeah oh wow who's been in a bunch of stuff he's been in like everything he usually plays a mouth breather which you know here we are so these two idiots they're trying to help joe dun baker find out ways to shut the place down so these two guys go undercover john deal as a hippie and the other guy is poorly dressed up as a woman yeah and like they go into the arcade and there's john gris like uh uh king king vidiot who's of course like a bugs bunny cartoon

attracted to this dude dressed up as a lady and doesn't know that he's a dude you know and well to make it more goth, let's say Pepe Lepew because they're both wearing black and yeah, you're right. So they go in and like, it is the worst undercover job of all time. Like this dude's just yell in peace all the time. This guy

is not trying at all to sound like a woman. He's just basically talking like a guy. And they come up with a brilliant idea of there's no security at this place. We'll come in after they close down and steal all the arcade games. So this is

first big action piece of the movie Eugene overhears what's going on so they come up with a great plan and the plan is McDorfis and Eugene go to Joe Don Baker's house to like distract him slash

get some dirt on him and these guys like allow these two nephews to steal all the arcade games and get them out of there but then they siphon all the gas out of the truck and steal them back classic humiliation gag. These dudes think they're going to get away with it. And then when they get back to Joe Don Baker's house, the truck is empty. Humiliated.

But it's important to go through what exactly happens in Joe Don Baker's house. Oh, because it's the craziest most offensive shit that you would not get away with making this movie today. I really don't know where this comes from. It's really weird. Chris, what's the, is this good misogyny or? I mean, like, this is just lazy. It's lazy misogyny. It's also creep town. Yeah, I mean, this is real creep town. We're doing a little bit of an animal house thing, right?

We're putting a ladder up to the window. And originally, you know, they intend to only spy on Joe Don Baker, see what's going on. And these two idiots get up to the window. and then the ladder falls so they have to climb in and it turns out whoops they're in Joe Don Baker's bedroom Joe Don Baker's not there

but his wife is fast asleep and you're like okay so far this movie is just an innocent boob comedy but then you know when the lights go out McDorfis gets a little weird and he's like all right Eugene

now's your chance to become a man and I'm like whoa whoa whoa wait a second what and he's like it's okay she's asleep Yeah. And even Eugene's like, I don't know about this Dorfus. And he's like, no, no, no, no. You got to harness your manhood right now and just do it. And he's like what? And then this woman who's like pilled out and like half asleep, half passed out. She's got like a sleeping mask on. Like, you know, she's got her. One of those face. Yeah. She's got like an evening facial on. Thank you. Yeah. I was about to say a facial too. But then I caught myself. It's all right. It's not a good thing to say in this situation. And so this woman thinks. that Eugene is Joe Don Baker and she's all drugged out and it's a lot of like

oh baby get over here and she turns into a Texavry cartoon all of a sudden like oh it's been so long big man of mine see and that's well that's another underlying thing is Joe Don Baker such an asshole because he doesn't get laid yeah you know what to get late you're exactly right but he's also I mean he's cold he has no interest in his wife

he doesn't want to fuck that either as you find out but like am I the one who kind of thought like McDorfis is probably going to turn out to be like

Will Forte's cousins in Nebraska just sitting on a couch laughing the whole thing about how in the kitchen scene where Jus Quiv's like

oh he had his community service because the girl dropped the suit oh ew yeah you're right McDorfis would grow up McDorfis has got

10 years before that happens So, I mean, this starts getting really silly And this is like the most impossible scene in the movie So like the fat guy, you know, Dorfus goes out to see what's going on And he sees Joe Dunn Baker coming down the hallway Now one, not a big house You see the hallway, you see Joe Dunn Baker come around the corner

There's no way he does not see this fat guy Like they're operating off of the whole like, well the lights are all out No, no, no, no. Joe Don Baker sees this guy So the fat guy slams the door You could probably smell him Yeah. Oh, yeah, you can smell that B.O. grease and hot dog scent from anywhere. I mean, he's farted once already. But, like, that's not, that's definitely not the only piece of this potpourri that's going around with McDorfis.

So Dorfus hides in the closet. And then, like, Eugene is still, like, getting manhandled by this sleepy wife. Jodon Baker comes in and he's, like, opens the closet door. And it's really the gag of, like, Dorfus is handing him, his PJs, you know. And Joe Don Baker just doesn't notice that there's an arm holding out clothing for him, like fucking beauty in the beast, you know? And so, like, he gets in his jammies, right? And, like, she's in bed, like, wrestling with this nerd. Like, oh, baby, oh, baby. And, like, Joe Don Baker's like, oh, shut up, you cow.

Why don't you go back to sleep? Honey, you're having a seizure again? Yeah. And so he gets into bed. And you're telling me he doesn't, one, see this dude rassling around with his wife when he gets in the bed. And then two, when he lays in bed, he can't tell that there's two people already in there. And so he's sandwiching the nerd in between himself and the wife. The wife's still like just feeling up this kid.

This kid's desperately trying to get out of there. Then the fat guy comes out of the closet and he's trying to sneak out of the bedroom. And what does he do? Can you guess audience what he does? It's, it's, it's, it's, it's imperative that he does not make a sound when he leaves this room. Oh, if you guessed he rips a huge fart, correct, you are correct. This guy shits his pants.

And instead of Joe Don Baker being like, someone across the room just fucking farted, he turns the other way and yells at his wife that he thought she was going to go see the doctor about that, which then that opens up all sorts of shit. What is this woman just constantly farting to the point where Joe Don Baker has recommended she see a doctor for flat?

Oh, holy shit. This movie is now off. It's officially off the rails. It's just one of those things where like, what, take the, first of all, why not set up a thing where he, like, he has to take his contacts out? It's simple, fucking enough.

Oh, honey, I just took out my contacts. I can't really see what I'm doing here. I don't know if those were invented yet. But still a glasses gagging. Something. Yeah. Anything to be like, but he's right there. Here's this thing.

Also, to cover the whole, like, darkness thing, have him accidentally walk into a night stand or something, be like, oh, it's so dark in here. That solves the whole thing where, like, you have to have movie lighting so we can see what's going on. Because otherwise, it's bright

as shit in this room, and you can see everything. And the fact that he doesn't see this fat fuck shitting his pants by the closet and this man in bed with his wife, it's so ridiculous. He should have, I would know, it would be an interesting turn if the movie did the following.

finds out there his eyes turn red I'm gonna swing him up by the balls what I'm gonna do he grabs Eugene by the balls and beats Dorfus to death with his body and by the by the time he's done it's just a quivering massive flesh that you don't know where it begins or ends the Cronenberg you're saying yeah he fucking

straight up flies these guys and then the corpse just keeps farting long after he's dead. There's just continuous farting. And obviously then, I mean, he's gone this far. He's going to kill his wife as well. I mean, I think that's a given. Then I think he goes full Rambo and he just tries to take out the whole town.

That's where this movie should have gone is Joe Don Baker gets an unregistered handgun and goes and shoots up this arcade. Yeah. Oh, God. What I give for that movie? It's about a deranged man who shoots up an arcade full of kids. Oh, actually, no, he just takes a two by four with him. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all you need. There's no, no firearms. Yeah. There's a prostitution going on in this arcade. It'd surprise me. Bufre Buford Pusser.

Yeah, Buford Pusser. It's going to go and clean up this arcade. This lousy sinful video arcade that they have set up here. He goes in and kicks some ass. Maybe, maybe people are gambling on the arcade games. I bet you $50,000 this guy loses

in under 10 minutes. However, you would go about gambling on video games. right? Like this dude can beat this guy whatever. Joe Dunbaker breaks it all up. There's a bootlegging going on. Maybe they're serving alcohol to underage kids. Joe Dunbaker can get a two by

four in for that too. Maybe they're buying Russian video games. Oh shit. This goes all the way to the Kremlin. It's just all Tetris. Every console is Tetris. When I was a boy, this used to be nothing but a cabbage

and cheese general store. That's the way we liked it. It was simpler. It was better back then. A big week was red cabbage came in, not just the usual white and green. But you freaks wouldn't know anything about that, would you? So there's this dumbass thing where the fat guy gets out of the house and then rings the doorbell. And Jodon Baker gets out of bed to go see what's going on.

And then the fat guy is like hilariously stalling. Jibberish. Yeah, like while Eugene tries to. He starts to like cry about his childhood and his problems and stuff. And Jodon Baker uncharacteristically. we're Joe Don Baker and his character. It's kind of nice. Like, hey, buddy, I mean, I don't know about your problems.

I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, he's like, I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'm like, no, you're not. You're Joe Don Baker. You don't care about anybody but yourself. I wake up in the middle of the night and I open. I mean, a lot of assumptions are being made here. I'm opening the door.

For one, you're giving a shit enough to open the door. A, I'm opening the door. B, on the other end of that door is McDorfis. Yeah, if I open. open the door. There's a morbidly obese sweat hog with a Hawaiian shirt and a tattered under under shirt there.

Just talking nonsense. Dude, get the two by four. Yeah. Two by four time. No, get the lock on my door. That's what you get. I fucking close it and I lock it. You got to make sure because here's the thing, you can't have a surprise fat party animal at the door because that dude will push

right past you. Yeah. He'll knock through the chain, whatever. It should have just just, you got to confront that face on. You got to go out there and face him. And then you got to curb him. Really? Somehow, you got to figure it out. That's got to be the end result. That's the end game.

How are you getting Dorfus on the ground to curb stump this guy? Because obviously, okay, now, listen, Joe, I know what I said was a little extreme, but they were in there trying to rape his wife. Yeah, that's this. Dorfus was basically saying, rape this woman. Dorfis has earned himself

a curb stomping. Yeah. You're right. You know, and you know, home invasion. that's a whole other bucket of worms right there it's a whole other genre and it's for no

like actual other than like just in general get us blackmailing materials please yeah exactly like go in try to find

it's not you're not in there for a genuine like idea but anyway what you were saying about McDorfis and Eugene

getting killed here's the thing yes if that happens that's actually a play I'm writing McDorphus and Eugene

get killed are dead are dead Yes. Yeah, exactly. It's about what McDorfis and Eugene are doing while the rest of joysticks is going on. We're following all the joysticks main character. Well, that's the thing. I don't give a fuck about the rest of joysticks. To me, Joysticks is all Eugene and McDorfis. The comedy pairing. Jeff Bailey is like such a like white bread who gives a shit. But he's a good guy though. He's not a scumbag. He gave Eugene that job and he is openly friends with Dorfus. Which is not something you see in these movies. That's right, old sport. Even fat guys can come on my arcade. Fat guys, poor guys, nerds, they're all welcome.

Here's some fireworks and a souped up Jay-Z song. McDorfis is his ace in the hole. Who's ace in the hole? He's Jeff Bailey's ace in the hole. Because he uses him twice for gambling purposes. Yeah, you're right. I knew you kids were doing something in there. Now it's time for the two by four.

Get out here. Buford Puzzard Pustler style So McDorffus and Vidiot Have at this point a Just a game off Well because what happens is They're successful in foiling

The Nephew's plots right And they get all the video game consoles Back into the arcade So Jeff says All right everybody to celebrate After ours private party At my arcade Tokens are on the house

Bring all the babes We're going to party till the sun comes up And Vidiot rolls in And Jeff's like Hey, Vidiat, you didn't have anything to do with this wacky scheme we just pulled off. This is a private party. And it escalates a little bit because he's supposed to be kind of a threat or a foil. Right.

Vidiat wants to say that's the thing is like they're at odds with Vidyat, but like they let him, they don't ban him from the establishment ever. He's a band customer. Yeah. He's putting a lot of tokens into these machines. And, you know, they, they hear him out enough to say, okay, well, we'll do what you're proposing. video proposes that they have you know I play a game and if I win

we get to stay and if you win we'll hit the road but you know he fucking chooses Dorfus's tribute man that would be great loser gets a fucking bullet in the head that's the end

that's how joysticks rolls game over yeah there is not one game over joke in this movie and it's really unfortunate That's not fun. Like, where's your kill screen gag or something, right? Well, that mean video games don't really.

Well, actually, it's funny because they premiered Super Pac-Man in this movie. Yes. We'll find out. Much like Super Mario Bros. 3 in the wizard. Also, around this time in the movie is actually when I caught the eye of some video game titles. And I just want to read two of them that were right next to each other that I would love to play. First one is called Space Dungeon. Uh-huh.

that's a dungeon that's in space sure the next one is very similar it kind of goes hand in hand maybe the sea dungeon no no star castle i think the space dungeon is in the star castle yeah that makes sense yeah i would think you would have to be one's a spin off of the other one yeah i mean he man's probably involved somewhere i mean these for the most part these were real games yeah like devils pass or whatever the game is that they play i mean these might be real too I mean, a lot of these titles probably didn't survive. Yeah, I mean, like, I remember the racing game that's at the beginning. I've definitely played that. Yeah, yeah, that was familiar. But, yeah, I've never heard of either of those. I mean, they probably, I mean, it's probably about Asgar. If they existed, you could probably find, what do they call them?

Emulators. Yeah, you could probably find an emulator of these games. I bet you it's out there. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Perfect. So they have this game off And this is where they're playing That Devil's Pass game

Yeah Super Pac-Man's at the end They're playing this Devil's Pass game Or whatever it's called And Dorfus is doing the old Like I'm just gonna let my lives run out Until there's one left While I slowly eat this chili dog

Right vidiots like Seriously playing Like I we gotta win this And he thinks he thinks he's winning Because Dorfus is just eating chili dogs Yeah And dropping shit on the floor I mean

Let me get that fried. He finds a candy bar on the ground and starts eating it off of this arcade floor. Oh, I don't think so. I don't care who you are. Vidiot, Dorfus, whoever. Fuck the monkey. This is how outbreak starts. Yeah, Dorfis is definitely patient zero. Absolutely. At the end of 12 monkeys, it's just Dorfis on an airplane. That's, oh my God. Oh, my God. It's the beginning. Oh, just, he's on the plane, in the plane bathroom. He's like, oh, a candy bar and just eats it and start shaking, yelling shit. Oh, yeah. But I forget where this is from, but I seem to remember that, like, it's like, it must be a baseball movie or something where a guy won't take the first two pitches. It's like the big, it's like the big, yeah, game winning shot. And he won't take the first two pitches, but he will only take the last one.

And that's what fucking McDorf, McDorffus is doing here. yeah he's really he's waiting the only thing i can think of is mr baseball where they're trying to intentionally walk tom sellick and then tom sellick steps over the plate and swings and gets a hit anyway not the exact same thing at all no i'm forgetting what it is anyway so dorfus distracts him at one point like oh you're about to die and then john gris vidiot loses like his last life and then dorfis gets in there and plays a little bit and kicks some ass and then again this is why jeff's a good dude Because after that's all over with, he's like, you know what, Vidiot, after all that, like, you know, we've had some fun. You don't have to leave.

Just don't cause any trouble. And they just, everybody just goes back. The world resets itself. And we're all just bonding over playing video games. And that's what is great about this arcade. And Bailey's arcade in particular, you know, like. The community aspect. Yeah.

Every, like we said before, everyone's on an even footing. It's not like one click takes over. and are just shit heels to everyone else. There's really no slops versus snobs. Yeah. Yeah. Real arcades, yeah. Well, you put the quarter on the screen thing. Do you ever do that when you're saving a game?

Oh, yeah. You're reserving the spot. Yeah, that's shitty. Yeah, it's a little, come on. Let's have fun. So Joe Don Baker comes in again, by the way, because also when he's distracted by the nephews coming back with the empty pickup truck,

the daughter Patsy runs off with Dorfus and Eugene back to the arcade and so he comes to pick up his daughter again and it's a lot of just dragging her out by the hair or whatever the fuck and that's when Joe Don Baker decides like he's going to get the community involved so they start the next day getting like people outside picketing he gets the local news to show up and do a story about like the filth that's going on at this goddamn video arcade and all this shit and it's a people holding signs and whatnot and then just as quick as these people show up Jeff Bailey you know very intuitive businessman is like hey all you people picketing out there if you come in here and turn in your signs you get free tokens and you can just play video games again cementing the fact most problems in this world could be solved by people bonding over playing video games apparently they should have they should have the new G7 summits in arcades well you know that's what to you know how Obama got reelected

more free stuff I don't I don't know I mean have you like seen some of these people on like the call of duty screens like I mean if you hear I mean stuff like that that's that's what's very interesting about this to back away from talking about this movie again

but when you're at the arcade and you're playing in person with people there's no room for fucking racial slurs and everything that's what you're talking about when you do the online gaming and it's the call of duties and the whatever. Dude, I have never heard so much hate speech outside of like a YouTube comment board, you know?

For a second, I thought you were going to say a YouTube concert. Well, you hear a lot of hate speech there too, but it's mostly like fuck that guy, Bono. That is hate speech. But no, it's totally a thing. Like, if you have to play someone who might be your rival and you're playing them in person, you're not going to cowardly resort to just like calling names

from the anonymity of the internet, right? Like, this whole like console gaming, online console gaming has ruined the peacekeeping efforts of video arcades. Well, I mean, that's the thing is I think that at home gaming has peeled back, you know, a layer of the onion. Because back then they would give you,

like, there would be guys who were like, oh, can I play, you know, second player on Area 51. Yeah. Oh, great game. And then the guy is just like, you what, you can't fucking aim? What the fuck's your problem?

you didn't kill the green one what the fuck like he he can curse at you and he can be an asshole to you but he can't whip out the racial slurs yes and he can't really like get the real digs in on you so that's what at home gaming allows but you're still getting the assholes they're still there I mean

I'm not saying that you know real life video arcades didn't have pricks in him because they were filled with pricks at all times because that's just the nature of these things right but there is something different about having to play someone in person versus sitting on your couch being fat in the dark and you know using some epithet against somebody on the other side of the

country by the way it probably doesn't even apply to either by the way oh yeah exactly say racial slurs but i honestly don't get that whole talking aspect like i want to play a video game i don't want to fucking you know talk about uh the race wars well the impending race wars even the intended use of it is weird, right? Like, oh, I'm over here. I'm on your six. I don't get it. Like, just stop. Like, that's why I want to put headphones on, listen to music, and play fucking punch out

in the dark without dealing with anybody. Even if I'm playing like a shoot-em-up game online or whatever, it's just like... You're turning that microphone off. Yeah, I don't want to hear. Listen, no one needs to hear this voice more than already. But

also, like, I just don't have the patience. Also, I'm a lone wolf, man like i'm playing these games by myself i don't want to be part of a unit also i'm a dirty shit man i will probably start killing people on my own team whatever it takes oh man if i mean if you ever if anybody played me in golden eye they know i'm a shitty fucker like i i i will fucking get down and dirty chris calvin golden eyes shitty fucker i just want to see that that's your online handle so i would love yeah that's just it's his Xbox name is shitty fucker This is got to be a new like side project.

He's getting cabin on one of these Call of Duty type of games and with the screen name shitty fucker. And you're fucking W.H.M. So, so you know it's him. That's some other shitty fucker. And you're done taking all the racial hatred that doesn't make sense. And you're going to give it back. Yep.

Tenfold. So Joe Don Baker is trying to give back to this community by shutting down this video arcade. He's got the news there, but it blows up in his face. Not only do they take away all the. picketers because they all go inside playing video games but he invites the news reporter like to his house to do a story about it but jeff bailey has already got to this woman saying hey i have a picture of jo don baker hanging out at my very arcade having a very salacious time with a couple of nice young ladies you want to see that so then it's awesome because it's like joan baker has

this scene where he flips out at like the gotcha journalism that's happening he's like oh you You call this journalistic integrity, and he's, like, ripping off his microphone. He's a whole lot of bullshit. He's getting really fucking indignant. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's unsettling. And, like... And he's going to march out of his own living room now. Talk about awkward.

I'll be out on the lawn. Let me know when you're done in here. It's so uncomfortable. But, uh, so, so this is like our, our whole setup, right? It's really, he's getting frustrated. So we have to have, we finally take it where it, needs to go, which is to the mayor, right? If we're on a college campus, we're going to the dean or the president of the college or whatever, or the, the property owner of the ski resort. In this case,

we have to go to the mayor of the town to get this place shut down. And that's why, like, the third act of this movie kind of slows because all of a sudden, it's fucking 12 angry men. And it's like a court case. This thing goes on, it's like 15 fucking minutes. Joe Don Baker's got all these character witnesses as to like, you know, why playing video games is so terrible for you. There's like the high school coach that's like, all my boys are going to play video games instead of going to the wet room. Well, he has a weird line about how like they're like you're supposed to hold back all the sexual energy to be able to. I'm supposed to hold that back. If you want to be good on the field. Good on the field. You have to hold it back.

And he's like, well, they're getting it. They're just coming when they do these video games here. they're no good on the fucking field now and then there's like this nurse who I don't know if she's supposed to be like the school nurse or whatever who's like you kids are getting calluses on their hands from the pressing the buttons or whatever

and then she's like and you're getting arcade carpal tunnel from doing the joysticks and she starts just making the jerk off motion and like everybody's just laughing at her like Joe Don Baker's got a really thin case here with his witnesses one of his

witnesses is king vidiot who he gets to beforehand and uh jodan baker meeting king formerly meeting king video for the first time is an interesting thing to to witness because he actually says take me to your leader oh because you're like from mars or something right you got you got white makeup on you must be from another planet so he bribes vidiet like like you know do what do what i say and i'll get you your own arcade machine right Oh, yeah, so they have, like, this unhealthy alliance. Right. So it's just like when Vidy gets into the court seat, he's like, well, like, tell me,

tell me what you told, uh, told me before about what, what you feel about this arcade and what it means to you. And King Vidiat says, it made me who I am. And it's just like, well, you know, he's a, he's a punk to the ground. Yeah, he's a punk, you know, so we got to. Yeah, we got to execute him. We have to burn down the arcade, salty earth for which it was built upon. Just to make sure there's no more...

This is the outcome of this? Yeah, exactly. We have to make sure there's no more King Vidiates released on the world. This is now truly a cause. Yeah. So they're going through and it's just... It's the trial that these movies all have. You know, like Jeff's up there, you know, pleading in his case.

There is a weird thing, though, that they do. There's two fantasy sequences here. The first one is... It's Joe Dun Baker and he's like, I want to tell everyone here in this room just what it's like to come into this video arcade. And then it cuts to, like, this hell fantasy where there's all this S&M and, like, fucking just everywhere. It's a Horomius Bosch painting.

It's like fragments of people committing sins. It also is what I imagine the whorehouse Beetlejuice goes to looks like inside. Yes. Except for there's just mud wrestling everywhere. Yeah, there's mud wrestling going on. There's the boob percentage. this is the number one scene of the movie you've got like

I don't even know at least ate out yeah I believe I mean there's just there's nudity everywhere the fat guy Dorfus like he's got his shirt off and there's like a couple of women feeding him grapes this is really perverse man I don't know this guy making this fantasy

up is a sick ticket I know that's what's weird it's like Joe Don Baker yeah like we can agree with you that this arcade is a real scuzz hole but you're like this is what you see when you go in there, you think it's that debauched that it's like at this weird devil-orgy

level. That's fucked up Joe Don Baker. I mean, I want them to, you know, purchase a vacuum, but like it's not like I'm getting blown in this place. Let's just... No, just put a couple of air fresheners in the bathroom, clean the carpet every now and again, and we're in business.

It's not a hospital. It doesn't have to be totally sanitary. You know, it's an arcade. It doesn't, you know what? It shouldn't be, any cleaner or shittier than your average movie theater. Yeah. It's the same kind of shit. Like you're going for entertainment. There's a

concession stand. There's shitty kids everywhere. Sweep up the popcorn. We don't, we're not, you know, I know there's stuff down there. Keep Dorfis out of the ladies' room. You know, all that good stuff. I'm not saying you need to have a mop, but like once a week, man. That's all I'm asking. Get you jean

out there with a mop and bucket, man. It's not going to cost you anything. So then we have the other side of it, which is Jeff, you know, and he's presenting what he thinks, you know, the arcade is like, which is like this heavenly angelic thing where everybody's at peace. It's so great

to come to the video arcade. And it's like, dude, just tell people what it is, man. It's good old-fashioned fun. It's a place where teens can go. They're not on the streets. They're not doing drugs. Like, the worst, the quote, worst that's happening to them is there's a little bit of friendly nudity

every now and again, both male and female. A little edit. They're not doing drugs there. Yeah, good point. Everybody's out in Dale's hot tub van. That's where you're getting a big parking lot. Because you know what?

Dale's got what you need. Yeah, Dale's got a compartment of things. You don't even have to ask if it's possible. Dale makes it happen. Yeah, I can do that. Oh, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. Come back in five minutes. You know, the piece de resistance

of this defense is he's going to now he gets a slide at like oh yeah because it's 83 so you got to get a giant slide projector up and set this whole thing up and jo don baker's got a good 10 minutes be like what what's going on here yeah there's a deleted scene where they're just setting up all the audio visual equipment in this room yeah they get the a v club in there yeah it's it's it's the a v club consisting of this fat pig who opens the screen and then the nerdlinger who's operating the slide show you know so They throw up the picture of Jonan Baker with these two women who have their breasts exposed. It's the photo coming back to bite him in the ass from the fire extinguisher prank.

And he has a well I never moment. Your classic 1980s boob comedy, well, I never. And then of course, because it's, you know, a happy go lucky boob comedy. They're like, well, uh, that means I believe that nothing bad happened. No loss were broken. The video carcades stays. Gavle, gavel, gavel. and what's awesome is the mayor does a real like all right let's just get the hell out of here

this circus that i just presided over jo don baker's like his brother-in-law he's like i guess like you know man you didn't this is not a defense this no evidence whatsoever so and it's horse shit because we just sat through this whole trial but joe don baker is not satisfied he comes back at them and we have another game off and it's it's it's annoying because I'm liking this movie but you just made me sit through that and then now we're just going to duplicate pretty much the same scene, right? Exactly. Where Joe Don

Baker's like, okay, my team versus your team, my player will be King Vidiat once again. And Jeff's like, okay, and my player will be Dorfus once again. So the twist this time is the two nephews kidnapped Dorfus

and he goes missing. So Jeff has to play the video game. And the whole movie we've come back to, you know, people like Some ladies are coming up like, Jeff, play this video game with us. And he's always like, you know, girls, you know I don't play these games, but you don't know why. And we find out, in this bullshit flashback, Jeff doesn't play these games because one night after hours, he was losing his virginity with his longtime girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

It's getting pretty hot in this video arcade. There's candles everywhere on the arcade consoles. Yeah, it's so silly. Bert Reynolds owned a video arcade. Oh, my God, heaven again. Also, by the way, you're on that floor. Yeah, yeah, you're on. Yeah, you might want to get yourself checked out.

It's like, oh, I lost my virginity in the back of a van. I lost my virginity at the 50-yard line of the football field. Oh, wait, where'd you lose your virginity? Oh, on the floor, the fucking video arcade that used to be downtown. In a bed of filth. Yeah. The big bed of filth. And like, well, you know, if someone's going for it, kudos to them.

It's true. I guess, I mean, you're really going for it. So he's telling this story to Eugene and he's like, so, you know, we're making love. And the most horrifying thing happened when my eyes went up and caught the gaze of her father staring at us. And this dude, I guess, just like broke into the arcade and just, you know, took this woman away. And he's like, and then they moved the next day. And I haven't seen her in six months. months. Now let's let's let's let's let's all consider this for a second. You find your daughter

sleeping with some boy from the neighborhood. Uh-huh. You decide to instantly put your house on the market. You have enough stashed away to move cross country or wherever the fuck. Yep. Quit your job. Yep. Whatever. Yeah, you quit. Yeah, your life is over. And now you restarted as a settler somewhere else. It seems a little extreme. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. It kind of would be great if that was the whole fucking. movie. How that guy had to extricate himself from this community because his daughter slept with the guy. You're fucking the coin jockey at the arcade. Oh, absolutely. So, you know, Eugene's like, well, listen, Dorfus has gone missing. You have to play. So then there's like this

really quick bullshit training montage where he's like, because he says like, you know, I can't even look at a video game screen or else I get nauseous and faint or whatever. Yeah. So it's like Eugene does a little bit of training with him and it's the dumb thing where like you're playing video games but like he's doing push-ups and sit-ups like

come on. Also what the fuck Eugene like okay well actually I guess that makes sense but like McDorf is getting kidnapped I don't quite I can't even for a comedy my head doesn't wrap around it. Where's the scene where they're shooting him with a

fucking tranquilizer. It's got to be three in the back. It's Dorfis. While he's hobbling away. Going down easily, especially not with mouth breathing John Deal and his spaghetti arms trying to wrap around him. Well, somehow it happened. And he's tied up on

Joe Don Baker's couch. Yeah. In his house. And these two nephews are like watching TV and having some snacks. That's actually the torturous part for Dorfus, right? Like, he's hog tied on this couch, which sucks. But these guys are clearly eating in front of him to fuck with him

and he's getting really upset about it so they're like you know we should go down to the video arcade make sure that Uncle Joe Don Baker's all set up down there and they just leave Dorfus on this couch enter Joe Don Baker's wife who we've already known to be a little cock crazy

when she's asleep now this lady's awake and again Tex Avery cartoon she's like oh man and like just like hops on top of this fat guy and she's like just ready to go. It's like, lady, I get it.

You're married to Joe Don Baker, so the fucking taste level is already pretty low, but come on. But like, fucking Dean Wormer's wife, like even though she was like just like all over Otter, like there was like a sense like he had to work for it a little bit. Like he,

she wanted to be seduced. Yeah, this lady is just like, here we go. Oh, a kidnap victim. Oh, so they're getting ready to play this game. And so now we're cutting back and forth

between the arcade and the rudder residence. She should at least bathe him first, right? Yeah, clean that off. Oh, God, that's just a nightmare I'm going to have tonight. Get all the sponge bathed. Get all the mustard out of that chest hair. They probably do it.

I imagine that. I mean, you would have to. They would have to do it to job of the hot, too. Definitely a funk going on. So he starts saying, And like, you know, if you untie, we can have some real wild times. And she's like going wild for this big fat party animal. And he's like, and you know what?

If you let me go now, I'll come back later tonight. And I'll have all my friends with me. And guess what? Some of them are even better looking than me. And she's like, better looking than you. And that's when it hit me. being married to Joe Don Baker for this long it's like some weird Stockholm syndrome shit

I guess not Stockholm syndrome but it's yeah it's like delusional like I will take anything over this monster that is Joe Don Baker in this movie you know I mean normally I'd say bullshit but I kind of buy it yeah I could see that happening and so she's just like oh so

you'll come back with like five guys and you'll be here Oh, perfect. And he's like, we're going to fulfill your every desire. You just have to untime you right now so I can go to the arcade. Just unseemly. So, you know, they're playing against each other. This is where they're playing Super Pac-Man.

It's King Vidiot versus Jeff. And Jeff's doing okay, not great. And Vidiot's just totally killing it because Pac-Man is his game, you know. And our friend Joe Dunbaker is there, like, ready to, you know, watch Jeff throw in the towel and fail. By the way, the whole stipulation. is if vidiot wins, Jeff has to close down the arcade and vow to never open another one in town again. And then if Jeff wins, Jon Baker's got to pull the stick out of his ass or just leave with the stick up his ass still and quit harassing the video arcade. Right. And by the way,

the town is on his side. There's city officials from the proceeding who are there playing video games now. Oh yeah, the mayor starts getting into it. It's wrapped up real hard in like dungeon master or something. And I mean, you know, whatever. clearly Jeff pulls it out he overcomes his phobia of playing video games and beats them there's like a last minute they want to

sub in Dorfus because Dorfus finally shows up but he's like no Eugene's like no he's got to work through it it's his thing I'm like get the fuck out of here it's a true moment of friendship Chris I guess nerds jocks and fat slobs coming together in a big loving

circle of friendship it happens in joysticks 1983 just because you weren't there, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I think I guess that's true. I guess that's a story. Whenever I hear something like that, I just think of Eric Banner

in Star Trek 2009. Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. For some reason, that sound clip has been in my head nonstop. Hey, speaking of I saw it happen, the other thing, because I promised we would mention it,

and I just saw it in my notes, and I don't want to forget it because it would be a real big ball left hanging. I mentioned, and sexy farts earlier. While Dorfus is tied up on this couch and this woman is on top of him like, oh, it's Adorphus, I want to keep it.

He's fucking farting, right? And this lady is getting hornier by the toot. Like, with every passing fart, she is getting hotter and hotter for this guy. And it's really fucking gross. Well, it's a trigger because in the scene where he's trying to get Eugene to rape her. Yes.

What awakens and makes her, like, crazy for him in her sleep state is a fart. Oh, that's right. Is a big ripper. When the, when the fart from across the room happens and Joe Don Baker thinks it happened to be inches away from him. You know what? I'm glad you didn't leave that ball hanging. Yeah. Sexy farts.

It happened. Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. There was a sexy fart and it's Spock's false. God. That would have been. great. That's a deleted Star Trek thread. Spock farting in his little time cruiser. He farted so hard that Remus was blown off or whatever. Or Romulus or whatever, you know, was blown apart as a sundor.

So they win the big thing. And then like all of these things, right? Like immediately when the tournament is won, Joe Don Baker's defeated. The Graham. father comes home. And it is just this thousand-year-old man in a wheelchair. And he's like, he's like, oh, sonny, I see you kept the place up. Guess what I've been doing. And this old man has just been on a road trip hunting for Jeff's girlfriend that had to leave town. And he's got a sexy nurse with him. Oh, yeah. Oh, and by the way, yeah, I've been sleeping with her. This one's mine. Good thing. Your

grandmother's dead. And so here's, you know, whatever her name is, Kathy or Sandy, the girlfriend. And he's like, Sandy. And this woman has no lines. Just like smiles, not even a hey, Jeff. And they have like a big hug. And then in classic boob comedy fashion, the old man who is, of course, bosom buddies with Dorfus. He's like, say Dorfus, you kept a place up nice here since I've been on my road trip.

Oh, say Dorfus. Who's that nerd over there? And he's like, oh, you know, Mr. Bailey, Grandpa Bailey, I want to introduce you to Eugene. He's one of the new, you know, one of the new manager. I didn't hire him. Well, you're right on your ass. Bye, Eugene.

No nerds here. Then it turns back into the cast system. That old man ruling with an iron fist. He created the arcade cast. Jeff tossed it aside. You'll have to return your back pay. but it's great because he's like he's like dorfus he says uh he says well hey grandpa bailey you know uh eugene's got a big problem he hasn't had sex yet or whatever or like or no he says uh he's like oh he's still a virgin or something like that and then in the greatest line of this film the grandfather says somebody got to get this boy laid oh man we got to get this boy laid And you're like and wow

And you're like oh wow grandpa Like awesome line freeze frame it That's the credits Not so fast Says Grayden Clark Or whatever this dude's name is Cut to a motel It's our three amigos

Jeff Dorfus and Eugene And they're like All right Eugene Time for you to become a man Get your manhood ready All this shit And he goes like He's like

Oh hey fellas Are you sure you don't want to come in with me? And like, Jeff and Dorfus are like, no, Eugene, you can go in and fuck this woman on the law. You don't need to be there. We're not taking pictures. Nobody's got a camcorder. Don't shoot the moon.

Just fucking go in there. And the last gag, man, we open that door. And it's Jodon Baker's wife dressed up in like Dominatrix outfit. She's got a whip ready to go. And then Eugene's like, oh, Mrs. Rudder, let me introduce you to Simba. Door closes, Dorfus, and Jeff just walk away laughing, and that's the freeze frame. Wow, what a movie.

What we missed is before putting Eugene in there, they feed him a entire bowl of baked beans so that he can, you know, pleasure her the correct way since we know the only way that she can get going is by farts. Yeah, she only gets horny from farting, remember? Eugene's got a blow. a few tutors before you can get in there. Maybe that's why Eugene wanted Dorfus to come in. Like, yeah. All right, Dorfus. Like, you know, I'm going to sleep with her. You just stand in the back and just cut some

wicked farts so she stays turned on. He's just got his ass, like, on the screen window. I mean, like pumping some in. Oh, God. That's disgusting. I mean, he's got, I mean, McDorfis is like, Wilts Chamberlain. I mean, he's really just swinging it

around. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. And that is joysticks another classic 80s boom comedy would anybody recommend joysticks yes it is uh it's a good time it's uh it gets a little monotonous when you got the trial and then the two video game challenges but it's yeah it's it's it's fun it's dumb um if you have a mild interest in the 1980s you'll get a kick out of it Chris Cabin it's a light recommend I mean it's mostly for McDorfis I mean the guy who plays him I forget the guy's name um but he's he's really funny and he actually you know he got a laugh or two out of me which with

boob comedies is not always the case um and you know it flies by it's a quick fucking 82 minutes oh you're in and out with this movie absolutely i would totally recommend this movie and to piggyback on what you said eric interest in the 1980s this movie we're joking around about this the other day but like imagine just living in the world of joysticks right like it's the early 80s sunny california not a hair in the world, just playing arcade games, putting up with, you know, shitheads like Joe Don Baker. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, man. I'd love to. I would do it, man. Oh, yeah. I'd go in that machine and I'd close the door. And I would never come back. You'd never come back. You wouldn't have to.

You'd be dead in 1997, probably. That'd be totally cool with me. That's probably around the time cyber station started to go under anyway. just go with it. The one beef you kind of have with this movie, though, is that, like, Joe Don Baker doesn't get any kind of real come-up in. Oh, he's... Well, it's also Joe Don Baker's on the leash.

Well, like, I want some big, fat fucking, like, like, real angry moments. You figure... One, thrown in jail or something. Well, no, like, you figure it's Joe Don Baker. He's going to go crazy, maybe topple over an arcade game or two. You know, really try to fuck the place up. Rough up Jeff a little bit.

Yeah. He does get his comeuppets because let me remind you that there's probably a cut moment after this where everyone from the arcade, including the grandfather, goddamn rolls over to Rutter's house and bangs his wife, fucking line out the door. And then now, even now, she's being, she's, I guess now, you know, she's a professional dominatrix slash, I don't know, prostitute. I mean, you know what's going on. What's with the motel room situation? I don't know. No one has a home. Well, you can't go to the Rudder residence.

Sure. I guess, I mean, fuck, man. What's wrong with the arcade floor? I would love if the last, uh, the last moment of this is grandpa, grandpa Bailey, just saying, Eugene, Jeff, McDorfish. Come on. Get everybody. We're running a train on Mrs. Rudder. Oh, my God.

Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. that's joysticks from 1983 directed by Graydon Clark. If you want to get a hold of us check out our website, WHM Podcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are

at WHM Podcast. Right in the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Wherever you subscribe to our fine program, please rate and review, we would greatly appreciate it. The same goes for blaming on outer space. Our sister show that Eric hosts biweekly

conspiracy theory takedowns in a comedic fashion. Blame it on Outerspace.com, Facebook.com slash Blame on Outerspace at BlameSpacepad on Twitter. There's currently an episode out now with Wilford Brimley guesting talking about FEMA camps. Right. You know, there's been episodes with Jesse Ventura, quote, unquote, yeah, yeah. And I believe coming up, we have some Bible stuff for Easter. Oh, hey. Yeah, you know, usual. questions you have about the bible was jesus a space alien and uh does god live in a spaceship

stuff like that other assorted questions like that will be answered on the next blame on outer space that's it for this episode clue for next week's episode eric siska uh thomas ian griffith thomas ian griffith is the clue for next week until then i'm andrew jupin eric siska Yes, Gavin. Take it easy.