We Hate Movies - S4 Ep157: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

Episode Date: May 13, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang tackles the ridiculous Jesse "The Body" Ventura masterpiece, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe! What is the point of those crappy police characters? Why do we need so many people doing voice overs? And is that, no, it can't be...Jim Belushi? PLUS: We think one of those house painters over there just might be Secundas. Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe stars Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Marjorie Bransfield, Francis Mitchell and, yes, James Belushi; directed by Damian Lee. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Seda. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you're new to the program, this week, we're doing what we like to call a movie that technically shouldn't be real. Like, this is, this is like almost a fake movie. It's 1990s, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe, starring our good friend, The Governor Nader. Or he wasn't a Nader. He was just the body, the body governor. Come on, I was the Nader. Jesse the Body Ventura You just call me Ralph Nader

I'll punch your throat out You know that guy made Seatbelts a law I want to punch that guy right in the throat Making me wear a seatbelt That's not America That's how they track you They put tracking mechanisms in your seatbelt

That could be a thing That very well could be a thing So it's Jesse the Body Ventura And our good friend Sven Oli Thorson Who's been in so many things He's best buds with the governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, he's gotten around. He's made the rounds of the governors.

It's a real governor's ball that guy's having. This movie is directed by a fellow, by the way, named Damien Lee, who also stars in the movie a little bit and produced it. Real passion project for this guy. And it is a complete Terminator rip-off. It's such a Terminator rip-off. And it's not even funny how much this is a Terminator riff-offs. And I hate Terminator riff-offs because Terminator has got a really specific action movie engine that it, I, you know, and correct me if I'm wrong, it invented, you know what I mean? Like, protect the kid, let's go through the thing.

I'm from another world. I mean, if it didn't invent it, it's the one that made it the most famous. So with that, to take that any other way other than Terminator, it's just really like, oh, you did that, huh? Yeah, you know, two guys from. the future coming into the past their unkillable fighting machines well what if they are um space cops okay coming in instead of from the from from the future uh from from outer space okay all right i like that i like that idea let's let's call them finders because you know what they're good at finding things men they do not terminate they find yes the uncreative names for

things in this movie like you know we always joke about you know, don't make a big super complicated name for something, you know, like a Braxis, just make if you're going to have a ray gun, like call it a gun, you know what I mean? It doesn't need to be a transmogrifying

light death ray or whatever. Not that that movie does that, but like, a finder, stop. That's just not even a thing. Well, and the problem with this movie is the audio mix, or at least in the only way we could have seen this movie. One of the shittiest VHS

tapes known to man but what are you going to do that was a DVD that was a DVD that I bought dude that is definitely a VHS transfer though on that DVD but the audio mix I actually printed it out because I was able to find out how they mix the audio the dialogue they turned down to 12.4% the saxophone they pumped up to 226% because it's people are trying to talk over this saxophone score and it's like talking at a subway tunnel it's like what what you got to know when to use your saxophone too. You know what? Chase scenes? Not so much a good idea.

No, because then you're in like a John Grisham thriller. That's when, if you're in a chase scene in a John Grisham thriller, that's where the saxophone comes in. Pick up basketball game. Now let's get that saxophone going. Picking up a lady taking her to the bedroom. Yes. Most definitely.

Oh, that's where the saxophone usually lives. That's when the saxophone becomes the saxophone. That's why Bill Clinton learned how to to play it. Mm-hmm. That was the only reason. That's the way I'm going to get all these chicks in Arkansas. Just learn how to play the saxophone.

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, did I say sexophone? I met saxophone. Copyright Bill Clinton, 1967. Al Gore may have invented the internet, but I invented the sexophone. Man, in Hollywood ripped it off. It did. Yeah, so it's a terminated rip-off.

Abraxas is a finder. He's 10,000 years old. No, no, no, no, no. Let's get the exact age. Oh, God, the exact age. Because I have it. Okay, you do the exact, 10,000 years on the job as a finder. I've been finding things for 10,000 years.

Now, now I was, I was flaunting that I had the exact age. 11,100. 11,860 years old. So my first 1,800. 162 years on the planet I was in high school I was running finders track team meets

what does this guy get to retire what kind of watch do you get after 10,000 years of service is it made out of starlight like what what's also interesting is like his hair is graying at this point he's bald he's bald as anything and it's like

that's what you look like when you're nearing 12,000 years old so like What does a decrepit person from Abraxas' home planet look like? Yeah, like 100,000 years old. Like, that's like some Yoda ship. But even Yoda was only like, what, like 800 years old? Yeah, yeah, that's a good ballpark.

I think Chubacca's 300 and, yeah, Yoda's probably five. Yeah, Chubacca was up there, man. You know, it's pretty redunculus, yeah. You just got all these old fuckers defending the galaxy. Where's the young meat? Alecidas was a young pup in that movie. Oh, they still treat me so poorly Because I'm the young and of the group

But speaking of the bald thing Like this is, I was really surprised If you're thinking, if you're about to say what I'm thinking You're about to say, I was shocked That Jesse the body of interiors Not wearing a bandana in this movie. Oh, no, I was going to say that We'll get out of the way right now

But the secret rat tick Yes, that's what I thought you were going for But no, you're totally right, Steve You put a bandana on this guy Because here's the thing that doesn't happen, right? There's always, like, in Terminator, right? He goes through the time tunnel and he's nude and he goes and he gets the biker's clothing, you know, and he's blending in. But Abraxas is doing a really bad job at blending in.

He's wearing a world's gym t-shirt, the entire film, a brown trench code. Oh, yeah, nothing screams, sex criminal. Yeah, he looks like a 42nd Street flasher in this movie. He looks disgusting. And then you got that secret rat tip. where you don't even see it till like 30 minutes into the movie he just turns at the right angle

and the little tail just flops out and I was like that just makes so much sense. It's like being a Jedi Padawan I got this rat tail after my 10,000th year of service because I'm only 11,000 years old I might as well basically be a teeny bopper so I got my Padawan rat tail. So Damien I know

you have a really strong view on the costuming, but do you think maybe a Braxas and the rest of the finders could have bandanas or backwards baseball caps? What the fuck do you think this is aside from my vision? Of course not. You will be bald

with a rat tail and a world's dream t-shirt. A rat tail when you're bald, he kind of looks like Samuel Coleridge or something. It's just an old school like an old-timey, old France kind of thing. Like he looks like he's wearing a powdered wig.

yeah i mean he looks really bad in this he's also very out of shape yeah at this point he's got a thin face like his face hadn't really started to age yet and those those those gorgeous brown eyes were still glistening but everything about everything else is just run down and tired and wearing a gold's gym t-shirt now i don't remember the exact uh the dates here but but running man was not that long ago, right? Like, it wasn't, it wasn't. And Running Man, I want to say it's like 86 or something. 87 or something like that.

And then this is, this was filmed in December of 89. What the fuck happened? Hard times happened. Oh, shit, I can't, can't come to the Christmas party. I'll be filming a breakfast that day. Yeah, sorry, the director, Damien Lee's making me work on Christmas. He's a real slave driver. This movie's 1990.

And Running Man's 87. Yeah, that's actually kind of ridiculous that he's... There is some real, like, ex-wrestler living in a car situation. Well, that's the thing is I think that... Once you get off to steroids and you're not working out a lot, that turns to fat immediately. It's like choosing the wrong grail. It is. Like, you've got to stay on steroids or find, you know, maybe do some Diamond Dallas page yoga.

I chose poorly. I chose the bejeweled cup. And it really blew up in my face. I didn't know I got to play Abraxas. Like, how is this a movie that somebody, like, there, I mean, there's not a lot of money in this movie, clearly, like, the saxophone budget was out of control. But, like, how did you, like, what is the point of this movie? Did they think this movie's going to get released in theaters? Was this, oh, people won't notice we film this mostly in somebody's backyard.

It was on a farm in Ontario. You know, I did a Google image search of this movie. Oh, yeah. Wow. And I found a VHS cover that was grossly inaccurate to the film because it had a younger Jesse on there with a full mustache. What? And it's like, listen, if you're putting the mustache on the VHS case, I better find a

fucking mustache in that movie. Yeah, definitely. What, I mean, what was the opposition to having a, like, we know he can grow a great mustache? Oh, crap. I trimmed it too short. Now I look ridiculous. We're going to have to go reshoot the whole film

because I'm going to shave it off before I get to set. Maybe he got so into the character that he was like, A Braxas wouldn't have a mustache. But if anything, a Braxas would definitely have a mustache because all of Braxas is is a space cop. Oh, yeah, right. Look, if I can't have my bandania, I've got to shave my mustache.

I look like I just ate mean Gene O'Kerland. It's a bad. look for me. Him with a bandana and a mustache, that's just Hulk Hogan. Yeah, that's true. Well, he never minded trying to steal a little bit of the Hulkster Thunder. I mean, so yeah, he's a space cop, and the beginning of the movie, he's taken you through, I guess every 10 years, or every 10 million years, who gives a fuck, they get, like, reconfigured

or re- You, like, re-sign your contract to continue being a finder. Yeah. And you get your finder's fee. Oh, you'll get a finder's fee all right. You're going to pay through the nose. But, yeah, the whole thing is he's kind of becoming like, it reminded me of like those scenes in all the X-Men movies where Wolverine has flashbacks of getting the adamantium skeleton.

Because they're basically like drilling all these computer things into him. And he's explaining what's going on with all this stuff. And what is obnoxious about this movie is you sit there and listen to him, be like, so then another thing that got implanted into my body. and he's going through it all and then it cuts to these two guys that are in this like alien control room and they're kind of like the managers of all the finders you know yeah they like run the outpost where in like the far far quadrant where earth is located no one knows about you mean the upright citizens brigade yeah that's what they look like they look exactly like that but then those guys tell you literally the exact same thing that jessie the body ventura just told us which is like and then you may have known you that Abraxas was getting an operation and that operation. And I was like, what? He just told us everything.

You see, Abraxas has a computer body. You haven't put it together yet. His abdomen is nothing but clunky computer monitors tied together. And they specify also, because this will be very important at the end of the film,

that a finder is not allowed to have any kind of relationship outside of the job. You're married to the beat. You're married to the space beat. Yeah, 10,000 years of the space beat off. Man, I'm sick and tired of space jerking off. Oh, my, me and Secundus used to share an apartment. We would, we'd hang out, watch a, have a couple of beers watch the game, and then we'd retire to our own domiciles. We'd do what was up. So, Secundis, by the way, is Sven Olie Thorson. And It's a real, you know, it's a really sad story.

Abraxas and Secundus were once partners in space crime or fighting space crime. They found it. But then Secundus became very disillusioned and I guess became a bad guy or something. Not for nothing. It's kind of glossed over. Well, he became obsessed with power. Oh, of course. And obtaining the anti-life equation.

Now, can we get into the... for a second because there's someone in this room who knows what that is and it's not me and probably not Eric no no definitely not me somebody's getting all

a tizzy about the anti-life equation so we're going to have to go to resident comic book expert Steve Sadek to explain to us why this is pretty much copyright infringement no it's absolutely Jack Kirby

for all my fellow nerd friends created the he's the Batman fellow no no Jack Kirby who's the Batman guy that's a Bob King Oh Bob King I was going to say finger

Bob Finger Isn't that the guy that got the credit? Bill Finger and Bob Kane created Batman. I fingered the wrong man. But sorry. Jack Kirby did a bunch of mostly known for his Marvel work. He created the X-Man. He created the Hulk, etc., etc.

But he also, for DC, created this thing called the New Gods, which is a pantheon of new gods, etc., etc. Now, what year are we talking with this? This is like the 70s? Okay. Maybe even early 80s. And it was really popular, but kind of died off. eventually but you know what the concept of bad guy the mcuffin of the whole thing was this thing

as dark side was looking for the anti-life equation and oh my god here I come getting the anti-life equation and this movie's like ah you never heard of that right yeah and also they have things called mother boxes which are like kind of basically proto cell phones proto iPhones I phones I should say that this movie rips off as well they called them answer boxes like how are you getting away with this shit like maybe that's why this movie was never actually released theatrically. They were like, you ripped us off so bad, you have to be direct to video. Just lest you incur the wrath of

DC Legal's Department. Although, I mean, I'm not sure. No, Kirby, was he one of the comic book guys that were constantly, like, ripped off? Oh, famously. So maybe it was like, well, we shouldn't stand up for that then, because now it'll look bad for us, because we're ripping him off, too.

Everybody, yeah. Oh, no, exactly. That's kind of the thing. And I think DC at this point didn't give a ship because there's never been or will be a film of the new gods. Yeah, so I think that they're like, fuck it. You mean they're not going to try to wedge the new gods into this Batman Superman movie? Because the rest of the gangs there. They should, right?

This fucking big old pot of soup they're making with this movie. Honestly, I think, I mean, you might see it tomorrow in the trades. Abraxas is probably going to make it in to this movie. Thank God I was able to be in reprise my role as a braxis in Batman versus Superman. Oh, that Green Lantern movie tanked so bad. bed that they, the only space cop they could get was a Braxis. They really fucked that franchise right up. Green lantern's in movie jail.

He really is. The Braxas is getting out. I'm pulling the old switcheroo on the green lantern. Never thought I'd see the light of day. His rat tails now like down to his ass. He's all gone. Wait, but so what does this anti-life equation mean in the comics? do you ever really find out? You kind of find out. It's just like a way of like him like enslaving the world kind of a thing. Like it's all about like anti-life would be slavery, which mean, like, wait, is that the comic book? Yes. Okay. Because that's also exactly what that is in this movie. But this movie, it's, it sounds like he'll enter another dimension. Yeah. And like, there's a little bit of that going on. I guess he'll be like God of the next dimension. But the, but the thing that the upright citizens brigade is so worried about is that once he enters the other dimension with the anti-life equation, several.

worlds will just explode or something like like there'll be like a like this dimensional riff that'll potentially harm the fabric of the universe so all this we are telling you because this movie takes a real takes a 90 minutes to tell you that and tells you that in another room while a record is playing in the room you're currently in and you're like wait what and so abraxis goes to Toronto to fucking find Secundus. They find each other immediately and they have a laser fight in the dark.

That's like the one thing that this movie has is a little bit of a pyrotechnics budget behind it, but it's kind of just like, we're going to bundle a bunch of Chinese fireworks and see what happens kind of pyrotechnics. It's not actual. Like there's a couple of actual explosions in this movie, but for the most part,

it's Chinatown fireworks. Yeah, that and laser tag. So the whole thing that's, my favorite scene in the movie. So they both get to earth. And it's, again, it's very terminator. Like, oh, where am I? Whatever. I'll go find the person I'm assigned to find, all

while keeping in communication on their little speaker box thing. Yeah. What is it? Answer box. Oh, answer box. Pardon me. With the upright citizens brigades, telling Abraxas, like, where he can find Secundus and everything. So he's trying to get the 4-1-1 on Sechondis and they're chasing each other in the

Ontario woods. And then we cut to this car pulls up, and it's little bit of a lover's lane situation and this lady uh the actress in the film the lead actress uh jim balushi's ex-wife by the way put that in your back pocket because that's going to come into play a little later uh jim balushi's ex-wife rolls up with some dude and he's trying to put the moves on her in the car and she's not having it and then secundus decides to to play the role of the zodiac killer and he fucking breaks the window of this car and pulls this dude out murders him and then this girl's running through the woods we got a little bit of a chase scene

here and then in a real odd turn for this movie because it's the one part that isn't explained through exposition before it happens yeah is secundus just puts his hand up to this chick's belly and a blue light comes up and you're hearing this computer talking and it's like okay computer insemination complete she will give birth in five minutes and i'm like wait what the fuck are you even talking about? Oh man, what a scene. Like, I didn't know this was about to happen. And the answer box on Jesse Ventura is going off, is talking about how he, warning, he's with a birthing member of the species. That's the thing is fucking Secundus is coming down to earth looking to get that shit wet. Yeah, looking to get that shit wet as we can get his palm

wet. Yes, yes, exactly. Because he doesn't, all I have to do is put my hand up to her belly and then I will get her space pregnant. That's what we used to do in space when we retire to our chambers. Which is really unfortunate because, I mean, she doesn't really feel anything. But Secundus doesn't really appear to feel anything either. He's like, okay, it's complete now. I mean, it's space rape. Let's, let's, let's put that right after.

Oh, it's space rape for sure. But no one orgasms. Either side. No one enjoyed it, but like, it's just, it's really weird because she's just like, okay. well that's the thing she doesn't even really know what's going on and then she it's one of those weird science fiction things and this happens in a couple of different sci-fi things like the rapid pregnancy thing and she's just like wait all of a sudden like oh what's happening but because this is so low budget you don't see anything it's just her walking around with a stomach ache like ugh and then like ventura comes up and he's just like oh crap secondus got to her this is gonna be bad another secundish junior man that secundus has so many kids it's like old dirty bastard and for exposition's sake now now the reason why secundus wants children is so that he could birth one that could be the co-mater say again please the comator co-mater this is i'm looking for the cometer you hear that word 90 times

and you also hear are you sarah kana secundus and abraxas Both of their names use at least 300 times. Well, that's the thing. That's like 90% of the script. It's like, hello, Abraxas. Hello, Shacandish. Have you seen the, have you seen the comeda? No, I have not yet found the comator.

Have you seen it Shacchandish? No, Abraxas, I have not. And because they're both aliens, by the way, like, you know, Jesse Ventura can't really have any snappy one-liners because he has to be stiff and rigid. So he can't be like, well, hey, asshole, get over here. No, he's acting like a goddamn robot. And it's terrible.

It's like, it's like, you ever want to see Jesse Ventura play C3Pio? But then we have a movie for you. But, okay, now, by the way, what happens is, Secundus can then put his answer box up to the comator, which would be half secundas, half human. Right. And then the answer box will scan his head and then it'll assess if he possesses the anti-life equation.

I don't know if that means the comator, knows it or it's like something this answer box can isolate and ignite or whatever but it's a big deal yeah oh yeah boy am i glad that i don't have the equation in me because i just can't do math now the i was never good with equations solve for x secundas you're not getting off this planet i don't know what to tell you another thing about the rapid pregnancy why it's so stupid in this movie so she's like oh what the fuck's happening to me and like has a baby immediately. And the Upright Citizens Brigade is like, all right, Abraxas,

you got to kill this lady or else the comator's going to be born. A million people are going to die and it's a really bad sea. Well, it's already born. Like he gets there too late. No, no, it's about to happen and he's like, oh, shit, what do I do here? I can't terminate it. I'm really bad around babies. Yeah,

UCB is telling him, man, like blast that fucking kid. Blast that woman, blast them all that. I just don't know if I can pull the trigger. I feel like if I pull the trigger, we might not have a movie. Well, that's the thing is Secondus is like,

see you later, Obrexus, see you in the second act. Because you're not going to do shit to that baby. But then it's just a weird thing where they're like... It's like Juno.

It is like the film Juno in a lot of ways. Shockingly, this movie is void of any hilarious cheeseburger phones, but I guess we'll have to live with it. That fucking movie. But that's the thing is, so the birth happens immediately in O'Brex is like,

All right, I'll see you in five years. Talk to you later and leaves. And Secundis goes off to where he goes to. And then we just have this weird domestic drama for a little bit where she goes to like register the baby at like City Hall or something like that. And this guy's like, wait, so how did you get this baby? Where's the father? And she's like, I'm the mother.

And he's like, uh-huh. And who's the father? I'm the mother. Did you ever see Predator? He's the guy who played the Russian General for a second. What else? Oh, wow, you're married to Sven Olie Thorisand? Yeah.

No, he's just the father. So she like registers the baby and his name's Tommy or some shit. Thomas. Oh, pardon me. We flash forward five years and now she's narrating the movie. Yeah. There's a lot of slippery slopes with the many narrators we have in this film. The voiceover, it's a baton, man.

They just keep on running around. Secundus is running the show for a while. He definitely is. A secondus has a way too long narration of this movie. And it's just like, I'm Secundus and I need to find the comeda. Especially because Sven Olie Thorson's command of English is way worse than Arnold Schwarzen. Oh, yeah. You could barely understand a word he says.

So she's just like, so I decided to raise Tommy on my own and I love him and he's great. And it's five years later, by the way. And you're like, uh-huh. And he just, you know, he's a great kid. Doesn't talk, though. He's five years old and he's mute. well let's start the movie again and they're like playing in the snow it's clearly just the same field we just had the big abraxis secundus shoot out in it's the same farm in ontario we're filming and then we cut back to the ucb they haul abraxas into their office and they're like listen abraxas this is the deal secundas broke out of jail again he's like ah fuck come on seriously like i just put that guy away five years ago which in a praxis time is like two minutes.

Yeah, exactly. Because I'm 90,000 years old. And also, to let you guys know, the upright citizens brigade does not, under no circumstances, are they allowed to execute a finder or a former finder? Right. Capital punishment, totally cool, but just not for cops ever. Well, it's like those bullshit diplomat license plates you see around here, you know, especially like around the U.N., like they can not get parking tickets and you can like,

run people over while drunk driving and you don't get in trouble like it's the worst system ever so that's why i key their cars man you you have to do it you have to teach them a lesson somehow i just out of control i just thought of a drop ball in this movie it would make this movie a lot more uh you know followable because i don't know what the fuck the word cometer is or comitre or cometer why not just call that kid the keeper because then it's just the finders find in the key finder because then here's why they were too tempted that then Jesse Ventura

would have a line finders keepers which is great for the trailer but because he's a robot he can't have clever action lines but would be great too is if someone could get the jump on Jesse Ventura and he'll be a trapper

the trappers now get the keepers hey trapper keeper like Lisa Frank making trapper keepers the Gundus breaks at a space Arkham or whatever. Don't worry, we don't see any of that. I didn't even know he broke out of jail.

I was like, why did they wait five years to pick this movie back up? Apparently, he was incarcerated, and I just missed that entire thing. Oh, yeah, and by the way, UCB Space Station is like three feet by three feet. You know, it's like you thought the satellite of love set was shitty. Look at this fucking thing. It's a refrigerator they're acting in. It's like the cockpit from Plan 9 from outer space. it's a curtain and two wooden chairs pretty much

and one guy one guy is pro abraxas the other guy's not pro abraxas because abracus let this kid didn't abort this kid because abracus is pro life yeah once hey listen once a cundice put his hand on that woman's stomach that was a life yeah life begins a touch life begins at weird blue lighted

Palm thing. Space rape. I don't care if she was space raped. I mean, a lot of good things have come out of bad situations, is all I'm saying. I don't care that her and seconders were brother and sister. Not even, exactly.

Space God finds a way. I don't care how painful and how life-threatening, giving birth and being pregnant in three minutes is. I will not terminate this pregnancy. Or you could grow up to be a finder one day, maybe. Give me 10,000 years. So he's sent back to Earth to chase after him because they know Secundus is coming for him.

The idea is like, now who's going to find John Connor first, Secundus or Brax? So the fact that they didn't execute Secundus means now Secundus can easily get to Earth, find this kid, put the answer box up to his head, and potentially destroy this universe. Basically, more or less. That's in a nutshell.

What we're dealing with here. Yeah, that's a good summary. The funny thing is, so, like, they make this thing because it's one of the best, like, workarounds to having absolutely no money in your movie. They're like, all right, Abraxas, you know, Secundus just hijacked this, like, weapons cargo hold. So we're going to give, and he's got the best weapons in the world. We're going to give you the best weapons in the world, which you're not going to see. Then you're going to go into this wormhole. And they put him in this wormhole and they're like, oh, shit.

they crossed the streams now none of them have any weapons now none of them have any weapons but somehow you held on to that world's gym t-shirt also because we get a little bit of a braxis narration right here the first of all when he's explained so then so then secundus broke out of jail and the thing you need to remember audience about secundus is that he's an uncontrollable malcontent which is what he calls him which is awesome and then they're explaining the transportation system and And this is what makes no sense because he's an alien and he doesn't know anything about Earth, but he goes, yeah, it's kind of like an intergalactic subway system. Where the fuck did you get that from? I mean, it's true, but where did you get that from? You can't call someone a butt head, but you know what a subway is? Spent some time in New York back in the 80s. Wearing my trench coat and going to the movies. Before Disney got a hold of it.

Oh, that Julia. Johnny, he really makes my face red when I think about it. I would have voted for Dinkins four terms in a row. Keep those prostitutes coming. So the best thing is, you know, in Terminator, we, you know, have that cool effect where when you transport down to Earth or transport back to the past, they have that, like, you know, cool, everything burns, you're naked, you get some nice butt shot. For some reason, they go into water screaming their heads off. This is great. Like, Svenolithoracin doesn't see.

sell it as well as Ventura does. Like Ventura getting out of this pond or whatever it is it's just like, eh! And he looks like when Charlie Sheen falls down in platoon or is it Willem Defoe falls down. He puts his arms up. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like that

but just jumping out of water and he's like, ghe. He looks at a weird porpoise. Like, because of his fucking bulbous head and he's slick and wet. In the first X-Men movie, when Bruce Davidson like kind of turns into a mutant and then just jelly collapses. He looks like

that kind of, but it's just Jesse Ventura wet, which is amazing. There's no special effects. It's just him slow-mo jumping out of a pool. I love it. I missed Christmas because I was a Damien Lee's pool. Thank goodness it was a heated

pool, though. It gets really cold in Ontario sometimes. So the movie has to take a little bit of a road pit stop here. And this is where things get really interesting. So we get some narration for the mother about, you know, like

we said, like the kid's a mute, but he's really nice and he's a loving kid, but he's been having some problems at school. Cut to a parent principal conference and on one end of the table is the mother of little Tommy, and on the

other end of this table is principal Rick Latimer as portrayed by Jim Belushi in the film The Principal is also portrayed by Jim Belushi. in this movie A Braxas Guardian of the universe. He's re-apprising his fucking role. Like, on what

fucking planet was this a good idea? It's so distracting and unnecessary. Because you're just watching this movie with a bunch of nobodies. And then you're like, oh, well, here's the biggest nobody of them all, Jim Belushi. What's he doing in here? Adding some star power, man.

And, you know, it's a weird, like, his, he was married to this woman at the time, and she was in a bunch of his movies, she's in taking care of business, canine until he kicked her out of the car for giving him directions yeah i don't need your GPS telling me where to go loud mouth it's difficult because i was just about to do it it's difficult to try and do it jimbleushi right after uh yeah after a ventura it's it's tough it's yeah our bad impressions are mixing together yeah no one on this show is mel blank is all i'm gonna say

but so it's weird so she's like so what are you saying is wrong with my kid and he's like well the thing about it is uh he gets bullied all the time because he doesn't say nothing like a dweeb because it's great he's a real asshole in this scene because this thing is like you know this is a normal school for normal kids keep your mute idiot son out of it

also how did you go from being the principal of a high school in like a tough California neighborhood to wherever the shit Canada this is supposed to be what kind of a transfer is that fucked up that bad after the principal happened well he kills six kids in that

movie that's what it is yeah I got to go north or else. I'm going to get the chair. It stunk because I was heralded as a hero for approximately 72 hours and then they kicked me out of the state. Gave the United States the 23 Skadoo.

And it's great because she's like, well did you ever consider telling these kids to stop making fun of my son? And he's like eh, as a matter of fact, I have not. You're like, what, this isn't the Rick Latimer I know and love? Rick Latimer would be

on the side of this kid, telling these other kids to stop fucking with him. Exactly. Teaching him out of read or whatever else he does in the principal. Right. No, a poem being a pigeon or something? It's just, it's so stupid that he... Why don't you write a poem about how mutant stupid you are? And then maybe you can read it out loud to the

class and talk like a normal person. And not a loser. You know what? I molly coddled everyone for a long time. You know what I got? Victor Duncan almost cutting my throat. So I'll tell you what, Thomas, after school, you and me will watch that Werner Herzog picture of the land of silence and darkness. I'll show you what a real mute looks like. And, you know, they can't see either.

You got 20-20 vision, Tammy. It's so ridiculous. It's so useless. And, like, having a character from another movie, like, it's just going to distract you. It's just going to take, like, why doesn't Terry Gar from fucking Mr. Mom show up? Or, like, maybe Rick Zelensky is there to create a fucking help. but Abraxas now. It's like, what movie am I watching? Hey, Braxas, here's my shrink

Ray. It just doesn't make any sense. And now you're sitting there like, okay, these two movies exist in the same universe. That means while the principal is happening, during the events of the principal. Yeah. A Braxis is out there

finding things. Gonna hunt down Secundus. Sure hope he doesn't go to this downtrodden California high school. I don't need to deal with street tufts. You know what? I'll be the first to say it. I prefer this to the Marvel universe. Oh, yeah, the

shared universe. Dude, man, you know, whatever, you know, Winter Soldier, this and that. A Braxas and the principle, that is all I need. And speaking of which, because of that, I was waiting at the end credits of this movie, waiting for one of those Marvel scenes.

A little teaser to come along with? I thought Clark Greg was going to show. Where's Sam Jackson with his stinger? Yeah. You're goddamn right. We're just trained to wait for stingers now, by the way, aren't we? You're not allowed to leave a movie theater. You're like, oh, wait, I'm the asshole because the credits are coming up and I'm trying to leave. Which is kind of fantastic because now, like, it's forcing us to revert back to politely watching the credits like everybody should, which is sort of great.

So you'd think then, okay, maybe the school matters for, like, that's the only time we're in the school except for the ending. I'm crossing my fingers hoping for secondists to come in and just blow them away. does not happen like it's just like all right end of parent teacher conference see you next month and he's just out of that movie oh excuse me i thought you were secundish now you're just a heap and pile of blood back in the line secundish me rick latimer what is a latimer well it's kind of like a comator i'll show you as the anti-life equation

see that's that's what should have happened he comes in he goes up to belushi takes him by the head and he's like are you the colmaida and then his head does a scanners and then we could officially end the Rick Latimer saga. That's what it was. You went out, went on top, I guess. You thought it ended with, no, he's the principal man, and then he drove

away on his motorcycle. No, no, no, no. It ends with a fucking 10,000-year-old alien blowing his head off. Well, it's like Bill Murray only wanted to do Ghostbusters 3 if he could die in it. It's like, all right, I'll do it for anxious, but I got to get my head thrown off. You got to kill this.

classic character. What's that secundice? You want to solve an equation? Well, I'm a principal. Oh, oh, not that kind of equation. Oh, no, not the anti-life equation. It's so ridiculous. But then after that scene is where we get the hilarious

Secundus narration, and now he's driving the movie. It's so ridiculous. And it's just so dumb, because he's like, so I escaped from the jail, and then I was walking around for a little bit. I got lost in the Ontario Woods for a fashion. I found this movie and I decided to start narrating it. Or to the pure no one is narrating this movie. I guess I'll pick up the baton and run with it.

I was looking for a bathroom and then I accidentally found a voiceover studio. Someone left the tape on. These are my thoughts and feelings. They say Braxas is a finder, but I found his movie. He wasn't even here. Let's do an audio book while I'm asking. it was the best of times it was the worst of times so they find each other and we have another boring fight in the woods but what it turns into is secundus like interrupts this family

camping trip oh man with this yuppie scum oh it's great and he just really lays waste to this family and steals their car oh by the way did you guys notice like like okay so the this this stupid family that's out camping like the father does not want to give his keys over to Secundus, the obvious reasons. Sure. So, like, oh, way, this guy's going to, like, beat me up for my keys. So I'm just going to throw them in the campfire. Right. Classic mistake.

Yeah, because then he just makes his fucking shitty kid dig it out with his stick. Well, it's great. Because, like, Secondus doesn't blink because he does it. And he's like, pick them out of the fire. I was like, well, that didn't work. Secundus is not going to pick it out of the fire. He's going to make you pick it out of the fire. But did you guys see what the key chain was?

Yes. It said, are we having fun yet? Oh, shit. You know, what was it, the classic party down line? Are we having fun yet? Oh, so, and no, we're not because we're watching Abraxas Guardian of the universe. So is that the third part of this movie universe is the party down?

Yeah, it turns out it's a prequel to party down. Yeah, exactly. That would make about as much logical sense as going from the principal to a praxis and then back to party down. While they're catering Steve Gutenberg's party, Abraxas is out there trying to find something. Something's not right here. Sorry to interrupt your party, Steve Guttenberg.

You caterers are real hilarious, but I'm looking for Secundus. Did he get invited to your Hollywood Hills party or what? Oh, no, is he in the porno episode? This finger food is amazing. Hey, it's Secundus. Get him. I love these canapes. that wonderful the only great thing to come out of the

seed is it features Jesse Ventura riding on the roof of this car because he's trying to chase him down Jesse the Body Ventura and Dummy the Body Dummy which is just this like mannequin they're strapped to this roof it's ridiculous

but God bless him it's a mannequin with a rat tail yeah they got that down and it hilariously just slides right off the car too it's great he was a professional wrestler he was a Navy SEAL

he can't hold to a car roof for like five seconds. What are you doing? Oh no, that shit's fake. What are you doing? Russell. You think it's all Hollywood fun and games. You can't hold on to the roof of a car. The velocity alone will toss it

into the next state. It's all fun in games until someone breaks a collarbone portraying a braxis. Here's something. Yes. Just when we're talking about Sven Othorson, my favorite part of this movie. And, you know, talking a little bit about comic book movies.

Hashtag Thorson as Apocalypse Because they're doing that new X-Men movie After Days of Future Past, it's Apocalypse Svennolly Tharsen would make an awesome apocalypse But here's the thing with that though Does Apocalypse have lines to say? Yeah Because then you're hiring somebody to dub over all of Apocalypse

Lines Is Apocalypse 75 years old? No Because it's been a while since Abraxis And he was looking a little older there Yeah, you're thinking of 1990 Sven Olitherson. Or also, you know, 2002 Sven Olifthorson, right? Like Gladiator.

Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. He played a... But still, that was 12 years ago. Well, the Gladiator was like 2000. He's 65 years old. I mean, it's... You know, he's not going to fight anybody, man.

He just has to wear the suit. I guess I'm a man. The computers will do all the fight. Just get James Spader again to do the voice. Yeah, exactly. Maybe get Ben Kingsley in there do the voice. So he finally gets He gets the confidence of like the mother

They encounter each other And you know it's like okay I believe what you're saying Because she remembers him from the last time Because she remembers not getting her brains blown out So he's like I've come back to take care of Secundus once and for all And I may need your help First thing in tracking down Secondus

I've got my VD And they're like What? And he's like Why got to you? use my VD to track down Secundus. And it's totally supposed to be this fucking, you know, STD joke. And he's like, no, sorry, I don't know why you're acting all awkward. It's my vibration detector.

You see, Secundus gives off a certain kind of vibration and I'll be able to track them down. And they're just all like, who, all right, so he doesn't have the clap or whatever that's going on. One of the lines was, my box has VD. Yes. My box is riddled with VD. I have tracker crabs that'll go after Secundus. They can find him anywhere. Just go my minions and track Secundus.

Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I am. It's my box. Space box. I'm just playing with my space box. It's actually... Secundus had his palm. I had a space box to fiddle it with. it's kind of around this time

that we see the rat tail actually makes its first appearance into the film becomes sentient oh no my rat tail's alive this is no good well the weird thing is she's like it gets its own badge they have a they have a Sarah Connor

Terminator scene which is like I can't believe this shit you know blah bloody he's gotta convince her and she's she has this bullshit idea of like I thought that that thing was a dream you know what I mean nobody could you know I was starting to doubt that was real. I was like, no, how could you ever doubt that was real? You have a fucking

kid. You gave birth in five minutes. Do you remember being pregnant for nine months? Absolutely not. Yeah, what? It's just, come on, lady. Yeah, it's just that it's me and my imaginary son. This shit happened. So, Secundus is in town just ripping through citizens. Man, he is just going on this killing spree trying to find the comator. Oh, it's total, are you the keymaster? Like every single person. By the way, and just to pat out the runtime, we actually get like a whole new set of characters that we deal with for way too long. We get these two cops. Oh, man.

Dumb and dumber. You know, the sheriff of this town is probably the best actor in this movie, I thought, because he's just like, he seems more naturalistic. Everyone else is like struggling with the English language. The ones that are American-born and the ones that aren't are equally struggling with the English language. It's just the sheriff. of talking to the deputy about like how we're

oh you know up here in the country we're peacekeepers and you're used to the city and uh you know you've got to get that out of your head yeah like the little deputy is a real like spitfire like come on I want to go shoot somebody like there's a dude who part like we're at this diner and the guy gets out of the car and he's right now who parked

this tractor here this is unbelievable and I was like I thought this movie was about one alien chasing another alien now it's about parking tickets and he goes to the diner he's like who parked that shit box tractor out here and this like seven foot guy stands up and he's like do you have a problem with the way

I parked my tractor and the sheriff has to be like let him alone little kid you know he does this once a week he comes down from his farm to have breakfast or whatever and he's like no that's an illegal parking spot oh wait what's this a recording studio hey now I can marry

the movie it was my first day on the job in this sleepy Ontario town but it's all all those diners Anigans are distracted by Sven Oli Thorson just launching this dude off of a motorcycle. Oh, man, is it sweet? That's a good action scene. Like, this guy just pulls up and he fucking clotheslines this dude off this thing.

He just, he got to fucking tear us through this whole town and just like, for whatever reason, like, it's kind of hilarious because this, Sven Othorson can't remember who you impregnated. It was just, it was five years ago as the one, I was a little drunk, honestly. I had just broken out of prison. I bought a pack of red dog beer and I drank it. I put my palm a lot of places that night. Trees, women, cars. My palm was everywhere.

There's a half second to have dog out there. But what I love, though, is he's going around looking for this comator, like his son. He knows it's only been five earth years. Yeah. Why are you going up to adults? Just go to all the kids. Well, the thing is, I think he doesn't know how Earth works because he's like, he's like 12,000 years old. So he let, yeah, he has no idea.

Although they just happen to look identical to how you look. Yeah, exactly. That's convenient. Even when we start to bleed in this movie, we don't get any space blood, which I think is kind of bullshit. Like green, blue, purple, like anything. Although doesn't he like, I don't know if he grabs the main woman or someone else, but I think Secundus does have a. a moment where he's just like, I will crush his skull and brains. He's like threatening to crush people's

skulls. Well, because he's like half alien police officer, half Jason Voorhees. So there's a lot of skull skull crush attempts. I won't say skull crushes. There's only a few of those. There's way more attempted skull crushings in this movie. Threats of skull crush. So while all this diner stuff's going on, we have an amazing scene where we learn like what Tommy's deal is. And the whole thing is because he has this anti-life equation inside him.

He's got magic powers of varying degrees and everything. We also get a little scene of him fucking up a bully, like a bully finally pushes him too far in the bathroom. Right. Well, he's getting bullied by this one kid, and he makes the kid piss his pants, which is like some sweet revenge. And then we immediately cut to this bathroom

where he's like, hey, I don't know how you did it, but I think you made me piss my pants. And he starts... And I'm not terrified. I'm just going to bully you. some more. Yeah, so he starts pushing him again and then this kid like Carrie whites this dude into a

bathroom stall and gives him a psychic wretchy, psychic swirly or something in there. Of course because he bashes through the door of the stall and you hear the toilet flush because that's this movie. Oh, he's certainly my son giving swirlies in grade school. The co-mater

Secendish Jr. has got the metaclorians up to the wazoo. Makes him reach out with the force. The powers kind of come to nothing. Like, he has a little bit of stuff to do in the final fight scene, but that's, I mean, that's it. There's no. And also, until the very last shot of this movie, this kid continues to be mute.

Oh, shit. Spoiler alert. Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry. You have, like, no idea what he's thinking, you know, maybe he wants to go with Secundus. Like, who even knows? My dad, my real dad. Fuck you, Suck you, fuck you, Abrax.

This is my real dad's coming. Yeah. Fuck you, Uncle. Abraxas But Tommy We were going to play catch Speaking of Uncle Abraxas Let's get to the weirdest scene

In the movie Right So what happens is Saggy middle You know what I mean Much like Jesse The Body Ventura's gut in this movie So what happens is

There's another Abraxus Secondus standoff And you know This time Secundus got the better of me And impaled me With a broken floor lamp after he threw me on some exploding barbed wire when he jumped off the top turn buckle.

Luckily, he'd barely scratched his fucking monitor body or whatever, his computer body. The weirdest thing was the iron sheik was supposed to be the special guest referee. But then he turned on me too. I really didn't see that coming. I thought the Sikh would take his responsibilities more truthfully. After a bunch of folding chairs to the head. The answer box is like, yeah, I could fix you.

Yeah, you're fine. All right, let's go on with the movie on the answer box. So he's got this hole in his gut and, you know, I got to take a little bit of time to recuperate. So he's hanging with this lady like at their house, you know, and all of a sudden there's just this scene where Ventura's just in this bed. He's all tucked in. But he's got his shirt off. It is clean off. And you can see that like belly wound and everything.

And then the kid comes in. and he's like oh hey there i didn't see you come in well since you're here you want to come sit up with me and i'll tell you a story about two men and you're like wait what they were partners once one was named abraxas that's me and the other ones named secundus they were both the bravest the bravest transformer cops in all the land it's also even weirder because actually he wrote that he introduces this as a story about two men who were partners and and and and what once was is no longer you know what's the weirdest part of that this scene like all right so the little kid comes in he's like hey want to sit up with anglobraxis I just got done putting coconut oil all over my pecks and it's really uncomfortable and he's the most weird uncomfortable part of this thing is that there is a brass bed frame in the back of it because that is a sex bed frame like you can't just that's not an old lady sleep at this that's something to hold on to you want to go ahead and handcuff uncle

o'clock no no don't worry timmy they're a uh they're they're very little pink handcuffs hey timmy you ever see the film something wild it's it's it's an earth movie that came out two years ago our safe word is co-maider our same i guess the safe word is the anti-life equation better Tell me. Pretty convenient, your mom installed some mirrors on the ceiling above this bed. This story's going to get real fun. What does that say about her?

It's just so weird and he just sits on, and like they're just sitting in bed together and he's talking to him and he's just talking to him and he's just telling him, oh, I used to love secondish once, but that's all over now. He went to the dark side. You could say he decided to become a Sith, because since we're stealing words we don't own. I mean shit It's not like Lucas is ever Going to make those prequels anyway It's 1990 That shit's a long ways off

Man This kid has never looked more thankful There's a part where the mom's just like Tommy where are you And he's like oh fucking thank God I would call out But I'm a mute because I'm fucking Half secundus

You know the big bonus for me And the big boner for you No one can hear you scream because you can't do it. Oh, God. And the mother comes in and she's like, what are you two up to? And she's totally fine with it,

this big hulking creep. I was telling him about the legends of the Sith. There's another awesome part. Like, he's staying at this house for a really long time, you know? He's loading the dishwasher. There's one part when they were on the drive to the house where he notices that, like, the dumb little sheriff's deputy kind of has a thing.

thing for her. And he asks or he's like, ah, so is he a mating partner of yours? She's like, what? No, he's just an idiot. And he's like, oh, that's cool. So then they're hanging out and like he's going to get up to like, I don't know, take a shit whatever he's doing.

A Braxas shit. Space dump. I had a lot of Abraxas brand chili before I left. Oh my God, Abraxas. There's a bunch of diamonds in my toilet. That's how I go. It's pretty painful. I literally shit

diamond. You're telling me these are worth something to you. You humans don't convert carbon energy into priceless diamonds. So he's getting up to do whatever and he opens the bathroom door and she's just getting out of the shower and there's the greatest

like Jesse Ventura like mouth agape like we don't have those on the other end of the galaxy. Hamina, homina Yeah, say that like a robot. Wow, I got myself a pretty stiff space boner. Oh, no, my space crabs aren't here to protect me. I got such a bad spaceboater.

My arms glowing pretty bad. It's red and then blue and then green. Like, wow, I never seen that shade of cyan before. I'm from the planet of the rosy palms. That would be great. As if he's like, well, I guess I better be going to bed. And then like he goes down the hallway and you just see this light following. Light in the dark hallway.

I'm asleep. Nothing. I'm definitely asleep. That's just my night light. A Braxas, what are you doing in there? So while all this, like, sex capade stuff is happening, we get treated to a scene where secondus can't get served at a restaurant. Like, he goes in and he sits down and these waitresses are like, uh-uh, that table is all yours. And you can just see him sitting there like, huh, I just want to get the tuna salad sandwich.

none of them will agree to serve me because I creep them out I thought I thought this world was more progressive than that So one of the women come over and show him the menu

and it was like Oh you know you order something from here And she points to like the breakfast section He's like good I will have that Bring me that Like oh what did that creep order The whole breakfast section

So they bring him everything On the menu for breakfast he eats it all they bring him the bill and he's like I didn't daughter this she's like oh everyone gets one and and he's like okay and he just eats it

and walks out that was written by me that scene and usually Jesse would just even on his off days would come and watch me work and we did that 20 times because Jesse kept laughing it's so funny

do you know the kind of dump you take after you eat 20 pieces of paper I didn't know at the time but I probably should have stopped swallowing after Damien called Kat but I just, I refuse because I have method and I would swallow that paper every time.

Oh, they turn into a diamond. Yeah. It's just silly. I mean, also the weird thing about just to kind of pulp fiction a bit at the end of that scene where, you know, he sees her in the bathroom, he gets all hot and bothered, and she comes in and she's kind of turned down by this,

hulking creep that may or may not have molested her son? I mean, have you seen that rat tail? It's glistening in the moonlight at this point. It's a really bad cut because she goes in as like, hey, and it cuts, and you don't know if they had sex. Like, you know what I mean? Like, oh, we

had sex that night. Guaranteed, that would have been in my director's cut. I would have put in a sex scene between this lady and a brachis. Oh, man. Jim Belushi was off camera the entire time. Totally spoiled. in the mood. She had sunburn

all over her stomach. I'll tell you that the next day. That's weird, right? What is this racist policy about pulling out? I better flick off the light switch before it's too late. We're going to be dealing with two comaders next thing you know. Then I'm going to really be up Shits Creek. I can't pay for that. My God. Debraxas spin-off sitcom called My Three Comaters. not one of them can say a fucking word

and if the show ever goes off the air we'll just end the galaxy anti-life equation I mean I guess at this point I mean like Komen Secundus I apologize with all the bullshit words in my brain right now Secundus gets in his head

is like well I've been killing all these adults for no good reason he goes into a strip club he kills a bunch of people in there and it's like oh you know I should probably go for a kid. So he goes into the grade school. The Tommy works at, works at, goes to. Tommy's also the janitor.

Clock him in. And he, you know, he goes into a classroom. He's like, if someone doesn't bring me the co-maid in 10 minutes, I'm going to kill all these children. And I'm like, all right, maybe we're getting a half star here. Let's see where this goes. On that note of Tommy working at the school, I imagine that's like Jim Belushi's like punishment for him. like, oh, yeah, you don't want to say nothing.

Well, how about this? Now you're the janitor. You don't get to learn multiplication tables until you mop up that vomit. And you know, you don't want to be the janitor? Just say so. No, you can't. Well, then I guess you're going to clean my job. Hey, tell me, I'm all ears.

Yeah, that's him like saying like, okay, this is the type of jab you're going to get as a mute, you know, like, which is, you know, terrible. And somehow a Braxas gets hip to it And he's like, oh fuck the school Should have thought of that in the first place Wow, both me and Secundus simultaneously Drop the ball on that one And also at this point in the movie Like speaking of a second act rat tail

Nobody wanted, I didn't need the third act Comic Relief that comes out of nowhere Which is the answer box starts getting into the act The answer box starts getting mouthy to Ventura And it's just like, he's like, hey, shut up over there, answer box. And it's like, where is this coming from? And where is it going? He's like, you don't get to say anything unless I tell you to say something, understand.

And it's like, fuck you. Like, it's voiced by Doris Growl, you know. And he's just getting lip from this thing, which is in, when you're acting and out, it's Ventura just arguing with his forearm, which is where the device is located on him. also speaking of comic relief though these cops are all over the place oh yeah and there's a thing where like secundus comes up to him on the street and they shoot him a couple times or something with like an oozy the little mousy guy takes out an oozy he's like oh you're not scared by this handgun how about this and he pulls this oozy out and blows this dude away on this like quiet sleepy town street and then you know secundus gets back up and they scream and run away but then secundus gets the machine it's my very part of the movie he's like interesting weapon and like kids feels 30 people. We don't have this where I come from. Just laying waste to all these people.

It's one of the first few times that a car blows up at this movie. By the way, he shoots like the windshield and it lights up like a Roman candle. Taking a note from Charles Bronson movies, I guess. So, you know, now we're kind of getting to the last act where it's just Abraxus v.

Secundus yet again. They fight like four times. And the fight scenes get slower and slower. It is like a wrestling match where they're just getting tired in the ring. There's a lot of holding on each other. Let's just breathe here for a second second, second. Oh, yeah, I got you in a headlock for 20 minutes.

Wait, you just stand there. I'll go work the crowd a little bit. I'll get them pumped back up because no wrestling match can ever be under 25 minutes, heaven the fuck forbid. Exactly. For whatever reason, like the last four months, I've seen like three wrestling matches, which is like 100% more wrestling matches that I've seen in 12 years. They're all 22 minutes long. Like, what are we doing? It's insane.

You and I were watching a bootleg WrestleMania stream and we're like, what are we doing? It just, it goes on forever. Like, just get to it. We're in the age of YouTube, baby, five minutes or less. So what finally happens is Secundus finally gets this kid. He actually gets the kid. And runs off with them to where else an abandoned factory not unlike the terminator exactly right or one or two i think that was actually a working factory that they then the workers fled from once they saw all the shit well t2 had not come out yet right t2's 92 years later yeah right if it had we would have definitely had molten fucking lava in this in this oh yeah you're you're actually you know thinking more about terminator one you're right because that did involve

a time travel or getting the woman knocked up, this is, yeah, it's all there. It's all there. Terminator one, yeah. Because Terminator was six years before this movie. So it's definitely, yeah, we know what we're doing here. So we're fighting in this factory and all sorts of

Chinese fireworks are going off. And there's an awesome pop song. Oh, it's just what's the lyric to it? I empower something like. And it's so inappropriate for what we're watching because it's like this dark gritty factory

they're fighting each other and it's a lot of hilarious out of focus closeups of both of their faces you know with like a big meaty hand going in front of the camera and this woman who's been like a main character is completely left out of the third act of this movie yeah it's just

the two of them and the kid she is no Sarah Connor no and the kid at this point like he's kind of realized like okay I can kind of control these powers a little bit so all the all the pyrotechnics that are happening it's this kid like being scared of Sven Olithorsen and like making explosions happen all around of him

because he's like freaking out kind of a thing and they just have this big old bear fight Sven Olitherson throws a chair at this kid and the kid sets the chair on fire which is kind of funny which then starts like a fire in the whole factory you're really just burning down the house here for this third act and you know um you know finally a Braxis gets the better of Secundus

and he's holding him and he's like second is like you can't kill me it's against your programming remember you're going to lose your job because for whatever reason I can murder a thousand people but you killing me is out of the question you know what second

I don't give a damn that you have those diplomat license plates I'm going to take your life right here I mean and I am against the death penalty as the next guy however if an alien from another world can bring about the end of the earth and all you have to do is

take this fucker out you're killing that guy seriously yeah just just just just end him just do it we didn't even mention one of uh succunus's more horrific crimes on this planet is he finds some dude and he just blows his brains apart he blows his head off with the answer box yeah so there were a couple head explosions just wanted to mention it well because you know this is it's a canadian movie just like scanners we love blowing heads up just gonna do it so he be in the worst or the best example of terrible special effects i should say he blows up secundus's head by crushing him but it's this weird like the screen goes dark and you kind of see like a bunch of what looks like galaxies popping out at the screen they're supposed to be like

really lame explosions they look like 1995 screen savers well actually what we did was we just took the shot from star wars where the death Star explodes and put it on Secundus' face. Lucas can't touch us. I don't care. Lucas or Jack Kirby. We changed it enough. We put some toasters with wings flying out of there, and it was fine.

You know, when the original script, Secundus was supposed to be murdered by a bunch of colorful tubes, but it turned out it proved too expensive, and we had to cut it, so I just crushed his skull with my bare hands. Luckily, Sven Olthorson's got a twin brother. I actually killed him. He's got a real crushable head.

It was like a stale watermelon. You'd think that that thing was solid, but it wasn't. I killed that Big Dane right there, right then and there. It popped like a child's water balloon. It took me really a back. God. What a monster. And they're like, then like the Upright Sinuses Brigade calls up.

And they're like, hey, you were right the whole time. That took two seconds. And now the universe is totally not in danger anymore. And what would be the punishment? Would he like get on Abraxas probation? Like what? What are you going to do, take my chaser badge? Oh, shit.

They're going to fuck with my pension. Oh, finders. Pardon me. Finder badge, yes. When I retired 45,000 years, I'll have a half pension. Well, he actually asked them to retire now Because he's decided he wants to stay on earth And rear this child some more

Right, he's like, I got to be the guardian of this kid now Just in case, because you know, someone else is going to come looking for this kid And he needs round the clock surveillance Right, he says that he needs to be a finder on this kid at all times So there's not another secundice incident Oh, I'm no longer a finder, I'm in the private sector now I'm just watching this kid. I work for my galaxy's version of Blackwater.

Independent contracts only, please. And it's another bullshit thing where he's communicating via his forearm walkie-talkie. And they're like, I don't know, Abraxas. We kind of need you back here. And he's like, yeah, but remember what almost happened with Secundus? And they're like, yeah, you're right. Okay, you can stay there. That's cool.

All I'm thinking is, like, he's so protective of this kid, right? Flash forward to Tommy's, like, senior prom. Now, you better be back here. It said that the dance is over with at 11.30 p.m. You bet you're Bob. I'm going to be sitting up waiting for you because you know what? You go partying at one of those after prom parties and you take one shot of Goldschlager. Next thing, you know, you got secondus breathing down your throat.

And then we're going to be in a real jam, buddy. I'll tell you why that won't ever happen. Because the U.S. government would dissect DeBraxas. Slice them up. Oh, I guess the Canadian government, excuse me. The royal Mounties will take them away. Take it to their area 55. Oh, man.

I wish there was it a Braxis too. We're like, sure, Secundus is back because why not? And he's just like, is like posing as a gym teacher. Thomas, you want to, you do your squats better this way. Watch Mr. Secondis No, it's no relation I just happened to be from

Norway Okay, that didn't work I'll wait 10 years and be your high school guidance counselor You know, God damn it's We know it's you That's a really bad mustache Don't call me Secundus

Because I tell your child He can't get into Julian He doesn't have the talent I'm not the secondus My name is Frandandis I'm sorry, you're standing here looking at me, straight face, telling me your name's Fratondis. Yes. They're in the car.

Hey, Barbara, was it just mirro to that real estate agent look eerily like Secundus? I know it's highly unlikely, as I've killed him four times, but I have a feeling that that real estate agent may indeed have been Secundus. Oh, you mean Mr. Chacundas? Well, Jocundis did have a good deal on that four bedroom we were looking at. It's time for us to expand as we got four co-maiders now. You know, it's not that I didn't vote for him because I thought Tremundus would make a bad mayor.

I'm just pretty certain it was Secondus the whole time. The last thing we need is for Secondus to take over this town because then he's going to be passing all sorts of anti-abraxist legislation, and then I'm going to be in a real jam. A lot of comator quarantines. They're going to put you in a camp, buddy, and it's going to be only you and your little brother Skip because they're the only comaters in town.

Oh, that is a Braxas guardian of the universe. Would anybody recommend this movie? I would. I mean, I'm daring you to find it. But I just fucking double dare you. No, it's a lot of fun. It's definitely, it's not a movie to watch by yourself. Get a bunch of friends together, have a good time.

Do a bunch of bad Jesse the body impressions. Exactly. Just throw them all. It's a great thing to have on it at a party, I think. You know what I mean? Like, when you're just, because you can just walk around, do some stuff, come back. Like, oh, is that him on top of the car? That's fun.

You're definitely not going to want to listen to it, which is totally fine. I would agree with Steve. It's a light recommend, you know, put it on in that context and you'll have a ball. Yeah, that's the same thing I'm doing with it. It's a three-way tie of, yeah, if you can find it. And you're the kind of person who just puts movies on mute at parties, which is totally fine. It's a party I want to go to. That is Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe from 1990, directed by Damien Lee.

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show. we would greatly appreciate it right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail dot com like us on facebook and follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast also check out our sister show which eric cisco hosts himself it's called blame it on outer space you can find it in it in itunes and stitcher wherever you subscribe to podcasts also at blame it on outer space dot com at blamespacepot on twitter what does uh what's the episode you're working on right well right now we got an episode on the mothman up but also for this episode i thought it'd be good if you want to listen to a a good uh a good uh jesse ventura impression check out our episode on nazi ufos with actually

james adomian who you might know from comedy bang bang and other programs playing jesse ventura it's very funny he's a very talented dude and that's a good episode that again is blame it on outerspace dot com at blame space pod on twitter clue for next week's episode eric siska shannon tweed Ooh, a film with the sexy Shannon Tweed. So until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Zeta. Take it easy.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think at least one of those two house painters might have been secondus. It's possible both of them were secondedist, but you know, No, I'll bet my Bibi, one of them was definitely secondus. Here's another thing I'm just going to put out there. And, honey, I know you're going to go up and down about this. But that guy that was volunteering at the church bazaar, pretty sure that was secondus. You don't just operate a bingo table with a name like Tremundus. A practice is looking over your shoulder this whole life now.

Just forever and ever. There may or may not be a secundice. Cut this after you know what's funny is like I'm imagining that that this woman he's probably going to marry will just die and he'll live another 10,000 years. Oh, weird. This new alien space race, I think one of them might have been a secundish. You know, the planet got taken over by mostly reptilians. I'm pretty sure that one reptilian was definitely secondus. He keeps looking at me cross.

You know, hon, I don't want to go back. to that super cuts to have them maintain my rat tail because I'm sure one of the barbers in there is definitely Sikandas.

Honey, honey, stop making those cakes. Do you think this clown we got for Tommy's birthday party? He's a pretty large guy and I can't tell under the makeup.

I mean, but I think it might be second this. I mean, Sifundus, the clown. I mean, it's like he's not even hiding.

Thank you.