We Hate Movies - S4 Ep160: Mystery Men

Episode Date: June 3, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang kicks off #SBE2014 with the dull film about wannabe superheroes, Mystery Men! Why make a movie about tertiary characters from a comic book no one really cares about? What was with that brutal murder? And is it possible Tim Burton directed this? PLUS: The "Time to Make the Donuts" guy is getting ripped off... from beyond the grave! Mystery Men stars Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, William H. Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Kel Mitchell, Paul Reubens, Wes Studi, Greg Kinnear, Claire Forlani, Tom Waits, Eddie Izzard, Lena Olin, Artie Lange and Geoffrey Rush; directed by Kinka Usher (or possibly Tim Burton). Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey, gang, a couple of plugs before we get going. You know, leading you into this summer, you need some good-ass rock and roll music, and we got just the cure for you. Do you like our theme song? Steve, you like our theme song? I love our theme song. Chris Cabin, you like our theme song? You didn't have to ask me that?

Well, it was written by our friends in New York City, the band called Hurrah, a bolt of light. I wish they had a new album out. Well, guess what, Steve? They do. Oh, man. What? That's right. Available now on their bandcamp page and other places across the internet.

the new self-titled record from Harrah A Bolt of Light is out featuring let's see how many tracks a total of nine shit kick and rock and roll tracks for you to download let me tell you this is good we talked about this before it's good getting ready for work music getting ready to go out drinking music yep getting ready to stay home drinking music and you know what I like a good like a nine track record it's like an old school like Led Zeppelin like all the records are like less than 10 every time I like that I'm really if you want

if you're at the gym and you don't want to commit to it too much you put on some hurrah vault of light you're out of there in 20 minutes like hey I did I did a whole album I played the whole album it's not my fault it's only nine tracks I did the work 25 minutes of cardio 30 minutes of cardio who knows the difference really

everybody's watching Jeopardy right everybody likes Jeopardy I don't think I ever get home when Jeopardy's on well there's a great they do this great commercial where you come back from commercials and it's just Jeopardy saying like the answer is you know this

makes your headache go away really well. What is Ali? Oh, man. Yeah, it's great. So what is hurrah, bolt of light? Little plug. And let me tell you this, for folks in New York City, or if you're visiting the area,

any time in this great month of June, they have a residency at the Rockwood Music Hall. Every, let's see, Saturday night in June. So that's the 7th, the 14th, the 21st, and the 28th. Our good friends are playing a show at midnight at the Rockwood Music Hall. Go check them out. It's on the Lower East Side in New York City. Hurrah, a bolt of light, the new self-titled album,

Out Now on Band Camp, and other places across the internet. And while we're slinging stuff for other people... What is a leave? What is slinging some stuff for ourselves? Brand new commentary track, Treckmentary Nemesis is out now. It's me, Steve, and Eric, making fun of Star Trek Nemesis for two hours. Yeah, it's great. I just looked at you like, you got anything?

Yeah, it's great. Point is, Steve's right. It is pretty great. We got a lot of great responses about it. You can pick it up in iTunes, the Google Play Store, Amazon, and cdbaby.com. If you buy it in any of those places, they're like, hey, man, you purchase this. Would you like to rate and review? Go ahead and rate and review.

We would greatly appreciate it. Increases the profile of this comedy track. You know who's burning up the American cinemas right now? Patrick Stewart. Absolutely right. if you want two hours of us doing really bad Patrick Stewart impressions. Steve's got the best one, though. I will say it's pretty great.

Treckmentary nemesis is chock full of that. It's chock full of us defending Michael Dorn. It's chock full of us making fun of Brent Spiner quite a bit. I'll say Cisker Spiner. Pretty strong. He did the seesaw hand thing. Case you're wondering. But if you ever wanted to watch a movie where Brent Spiner plays one fat robot,

and then a slow-challenged other fat robot. This is the movie for you. Visit iTunes, the Google Play Store, Amazon, or cdbaby.com. Pick up Treckmentary Nemesis today. What is a leave? Hello, Mandra Jupin. Chris Cabin. Steven Sadek.

And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, you are tuning in in what I feel to be the first week and the most exciting two months we do every year, the start of summer blockbuster extravaganza 2014. love that you had to stretch the word exciting to cover something such as Mystery Man.

You know, you're really like, hey, no, this is exciting. It's exciting we're doing Mystery Man, everybody. It's like if you're a door-to-door salesman and you know that like the Apple core that you're selling is real shit, and you've got to be like, this thing cores so many

apples, so good. That's what this is. I have to tell you it's an exciting show, even though we're talking about 1999's Mystery Men, directed by Kinka Usher. That's Kinka Usher. Question mark, by the way. Yeah.

Do you want to get into that right now? Yeah, I do. Steve Sadek, ladies and gentlemen, folks at home, boys and girls, Steve Sadek is hiding some sort of mystery trivia from us, and I would like to know what it is about director Kinka Usher. It seems as if in Tom Waits' biography, or one of his biographies, or autobiographies, I should say, I think it's called The Low Side of the Road.

He says that he was in a movie in 1990. He has a little chapter about his acting resume. Right. He was in a movie in 1999 called Mystery Men, directed by Tim Burton using a pseudonym. Get out of town. That makes sense. I mean, like, the dude Kink Usher exists. There's no two ways about it.

Right. He doesn't have a lot of credits on IMDB. This is his one and only directing credit. Like, if there could be a world that this is a bad Tim Burton movie that he was ashamed of, that he just shoved off to his AD and was like, hey, dude, you directed this movie. So then poor Kinka Usher has to take the fall? Like, this is a huge movie kind of as far as budget. There's 60 million bucks behind it.

There was a lot of star power. Like, how did this movie get off the ground? If not. But to me, it doesn't, one thing doesn't make sense here. It doesn't look like the Burton Batman's. No. It looks like the Schumacher Batman's. If it's going to look like anything, it's got that.

fucking poppy bullshit color thing but maybe he's trying something he tried something new i mean it's not impossible but it's not it's also not confirmed now this is the weird thing though so this movie comes out in 1999 i don't know the production history sure of of mystery men but also in 1999 is sleepy hollow oh really so i mean there's that that's going on i mean it's entirely possible tom waits doesn't take anything seriously like yeah it's a tomb burton movie that didn't happen you know i mean it doesn't it's not entirely impossible that he is just like trying to fuck with people because tom waits likes to fuck with people yeah i i would lend more on that side it's just it just keep that in the back of your head everybody maybe maybe it's there maybe it's not

but it's so weird though because as soon as you said that like i started immediately thinking back to the two hours and one minute i wasted last night watching this movie and i don't know it kind of makes sense i mean it's i mean i guess it is it does have that like charlie in the chocolate factory look to it yes it does it's more and like it could be but also here's the thing there are plenty of tim burton movies i don't like yeah i don't like any of them even remotely in the realm as much as i don't like this movie that's fair but you have to think though is that another thing that led him to sort of disavow the movie and it could be a thing where he left in the middle and you know who that would have

He leaves in the middle. Somebody comes in to do a little bit of a patch job. Because I just feel there's too many names in this movie and there's too much money behind it for this nobody director to get to get credit for making this movie. And it's not a movie like it's not a movie you can just sell somebody. It's like, hey, we're going to make a Batman movie. Got it, done. We're going to be a spawn movie. Who cares?

Make it. That's a license to print money, everybody. But we're going to make a mystery man movie, which full disclosure is a Dark Horse. This is never a comic. These were side characters from a comic called the Flaming Carrot, which nobody cares about. I don't even care to hear you tell me that there's a comic called the Flaming Carrot.

Or it could be Captain Carrot. No, it's Flaming Carrot. Now, my thing is, well, one, I guess that begs the question, why isn't the Flaming Carrot in this movie? Exactly. But also, this is the question I had because it's Dark Horse,

which is, you know, under the DC umbrella. They're not under DC. They're in a better company. Oh, they are? Yep. What am I thinking of? Vertigo. Oh, yeah, you're right.

Well, I guess, because my question was because a couple of other characters come up, I was wondering if this movie is supposed to take place in the DC universe. No, no, no, no, no. No, okay. I mean, it's a universe unto itself. The only character you could possibly... Dark Horse does a bunch of duds. They do Hellboy, which is huge.

Yeah. And then they do, like, Star Wars adaptations. Into comics? Yeah. Or, like, extension. United Universe Star Wars' Star Wars. My knowledge of the Star Wars Extended Universe is virtually non-existent. Because I

know they're the people behind Tank Girl. Yes. They're the people behind the mask. Yep. And they are the guys behind RIPD. Good. Gravy. How do I keep getting movies made? Somebody saw somebody kill somebody else.

It's Hellboy. It's all Hellboy. It's, you know, like... But then why aren't I getting a third Hellboy movie? This fucking Yermo del Toro is like booked up until 2022. Yeah, you know what, though? You got two movies as a template. Find somebody else to make that movie. Because you know what? You can pull it off at this point.

All I mean is Ron Perlman before he dies to do this. Or maybe Tom Waits kind of the same. Oh man, Tom, Tom Waits is like an old hellboy. I'm blue boy. It's Hellboy, but he's blue. He's just wearing like denim overalls, chewing on a piece of straw for some reason. he's playing some kind of a car horn into a fucking into a toilet seat

I was not a product of Nazi science drank too much welded together by Lucifer himself not much backstory to Blue Boy So mystery men I mean this is I guess my other question about mystery men Are people remembering what this is

Is this like a No been here before? No, no, no, no. I mean, it was a gigantic disaster, correct? Yeah. Fiscally speaking, it was. Fiscally and otherwise. Stay tuned, by the way, thank you for bringing that up. Chris Cabin is starting a sister podcast called Fiscally Speaking. It's all about the numbers. It's only about the numbers. There's a lot of mistakes in it. I'm just going to put that right down now. It's, uh, don't listen to it. It's Chris. And NPR's Kai Rizdahl.

And he's correcting me the whole time. Yeah, it's just, Chris, come on. We have to run the numbers. And you're wasting my time. Kai Rizdahl. Do you know Basic, man? I mean, come on. Just give me the definition there of Basic.

And then we'd be all set here. So we start off with a very Batman-esque heist scene. But it's at an old folks. Oh, man. Because that's what you have to remember about the mystery men, everybody. This movie, is it mystery men or the mystery men? It's just mystery men. What you have to remember about mystery men is that it's like every other superhero movie,

except everything's just a little bit off. And that's where the jokes are supposed to come. But there was a big hole in the movie, and all the jokes just kept falling through it into a bottomless pit. I do want to bring that because, as we said before, a movie that is a lot like this is Galaxy Quest. It comes out the same year. And that is both a kind of like Star Trek-esque movie

actually written that way with the jokes inside of it. This is just the jokes. The story really isn't there. And the villain versus, you know, hero stuff isn't really there. It's just fucking stupid, stupid jokes. It's really bad. A lot of fork yourself jokes. Oh, there's so...

Hank Azaria as the Blue Raja. I'm not even going to try to do that voice. We're going to sally my reputation by doing that voice on this show. But his character, The Blue Raja, he throws fucking forks and shit. And spoons. There's so many, fork yourself, fork you, go get forked. Oh, man. Going up on the Fork Evader.

Like, it doesn't even matter that it matches up. Hank, that one didn't even make sense. I know. I mean, the thing is, the three characters, the three main characters are Ben Stiller playing Mr. Furious, who doesn't have any superpowers, but he thinks he does. This is Ben Stiller at his absolute worst. It's the mode I never want to watch him. I like a lot of Ben Stiller stuff. I like a lot of Ben Stiller stuff, too.

His whole filmography probably gets a C-plus, which is not terrible. A lot of high averages on the good ones. Well, because the problem with Ben Stiller is he was a guy. that we grew up watching and stuff, but then decided to make movies that aren't for adults. Nope. And that's just the thing. I mean, you know, those...

And I got no time for it's not my fault, not his fault. No, but those Madagascar movies, the Night at the Museum movie, I mean, they are super successful kids' movies. He just stopped making movies we give a shit about. That's why I was... I'm not going to say pleased with Tower Heist, but I was like, okay enough with Tower Heist,

because it was a solid adult comedy. Featuring also a return to crass Eddie Murphy. but that's at least him doing something non-fucking fucker related that I can actually watch and not just be sitting there watching a kid's movie. I know we split on this but I love Greenberg and I think that he has that

Adam Sandler thing where it's 85% of it is like the worst shit you've ever seen and then there's that 15% of really fucking good movies. Well the thing is Ben Stiller is when he's not trying in a movie he like disappears because he's like he he doesn't do really strong strong characters unless you're doing like a Zoolander or right what is the other one there

the the army one oh tropic thunder you know those are like broad when he does that I can deal with it but well so that's why I find him like less offensive than Sandler when he's just like getting a check because he's just like I'm just going to talk like a normal person and just hang out and be like oh my god a dragon

well the that still are in oh my god a dragon that's pretty great uh i think that's the subtitle of the third night of the museum movie uh no but the biggest difference between stiller and sandler is stillers doing movies where there's stuff going on and it's clearly not you know him picking his movies based on vacation destination you know what i mean because that's just all of these fucking sandler movies he made some joke about it on kimmel about how he was like it was supposed to be 15 first dates was supposed to be set somewhere and then he was like how about Hawaii because that'll be cool.

And he was like half joking, but I was like, no, Adam Sandler. Like, you've always kind of wanted to go to South Africa. And that's why Blended is set there because there's no other fucking reason for it. Yeah. But Stiller, you know, he's still just kind of doing things that isn't Adam Sandler wearing a fucking Jets t-shirt for two hours. But so anyway, the mystery meant, so it's Ben Stiller as Mr. Furious, uh, William H. Macy as the shoveler. Yeah. And the problem with William H. Macy and literally like five out of

six mystery men are like I use this wacky thing that isn't a weapon as a weapon. Yeah. What else do you do? Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just the whatever end it with ER. Yeah. And it's just like, you know what man? Fuck you. Because in the blue

Raj is just throwing spoons. And he's trying to hit people with shovels and it's like I get that these aren't weapons and I get that it's silly. Let's move on. Janine Garofalo's throwing a magic bowling ball all over the place. As the bowler or I guess daughter of of the bowler. Who could care?

I mean, she's like the second green goblin kind of. I mean, it's one of the things where I was pissed off because I'm like, okay, so the joke is that they don't have powers. That's fine. Okay. Let's stick with that. No, no, no, no, no. To the villain

and the bowler have superpowers. These are out and out superpowers. Kel Mitchell has superpowers. And Kel Mitchell has a superpower. He literally turns invisible in the same. I apologize if you crashed your car, but Kel Mitchell wasn't a movie that wasn't Goodberger and it was this movie.

And he shared a scene with Tom Waits. Nobody thought that would happen. Nope. Not even Kel Mitchell. But like, why not then just give them all like sillier powers? Like, it acted up a bit. Like, I don't need fucking William H. Macy hitting somebody with a shovel. There's 50

movies already made where Willem H. Macy either gets hit by a shovel or hit somebody else with a shovel. Now, wait a second though. So Jeffrey Rush, as our villain uh what is it Acapella Frankenstein Casanova Frankenstein sound like my father

What is that an Acapella Frankenstein business All right yeah So Casanova Frankenstein What is his actual power The fucking machine he builds Well that's not a superpower He's got like super nails I mean he's just kind of an evil scientist

And he looks like Jeffrey Rush So you think he has a superpower I saw Jeffrey Rush in real life one time And he looked like an actual mad scientist It was like a very well-dressed mad scientist And he's super tall. By the way, I had a fun little game going, because I was like,

Casanova Frankenstein, that's like the laziest fucking name I've ever heard of. Lazier than the shoveler. Kind of. Like, because that at least almost makes sense. Well, he's got a fucking shovel. It makes quite literal sense. Well, no. I'm saying, yeah, the shoveler makes sense.

Castanova Frankenstein. Yeah. Jeffrey Rush ain't attractive. And he's not Frankenstein. Well, no, I thought like, okay, like he's like, he's like. He's more Frankenstein than he is attractive. But that's the thing. He's like a banged up ugly monster dude

That's a lay in pipe constant I see what's going But I was playing this little game in my head Where you you mix like A character from, you know, literator and such And with a monster So I have Boo Radley Dracula And D'Artagnan Wolfman

D'Artagnan Wolfman The Most Distinguished of the Wolfman The Frenchest of the Wolfman So, you know, if you just want to play a game at home, there you go. Oh, yeah, I know. Romeo, oh, fuck, I got nothing. You really put me, you should have called me last night, Chris. I'd have six of them.

Wait a second. Huckleberry creature from the Black Lagoon. There you go. Let's see. So Romeo invisible man. Yeah. That doesn't, it doesn't flow so much, but. No.

Not as much as Cassanova Frankenstein. The problem, what, I agree with you, the super, like, let's, let's make a superhero. comic thing where they were we're doing we have the money for special effects let's use them this isn't a world that doesn't explicitly not have superpowers so let's do that and also the flaming carrot it kind of speaks to what I believe that these comics are I was reading up a little bit and it's absurdist stuff yeah and absurdist comics are fun like yeah they kind of don't really work in movies that often you know that they usually fall flat on their face because they they get too literal and too real like they try and put them in a real world whatever but like on a printed

page it's fun to watch just a fucking carrot fight people's like that's fucking funny like every page you turn and like hey that's funny that's even funny he's fucking writing the thing you know like and it's fine that carrot's making a salad exactly and every single second you're like that's pretty goddamn funny and a lot of fun but like absurdism like and absurdist movies are fun too but like you for some reason the twain shall never meet except for kind of scott pilgrim scott pilgrim scott pilgrim it works i mean but that's because edgar wright and everybody making that movie buys into that concept. And the problem with this is you're trying to ground it and make it like a Joel Schumacher

or a Tim Burton Batman movie. Yeah. Which you can't do. It has to be either completely off the rails silly or not. And instead you get Eddie Izard and some other dude as disco gang fighters. Pross of the Fugis. Oh, that's pros? That's pros. Oh, mother of God. That's, yeah. I mean, because it's 1999 and we loved disco jokes in 1999. It's a real time capsule. I mean, this is as 1999 as a movie can get.

I didn't see many collared sweaters in this movie, but there was plenty enough to go around. Oh, go ahead. I also wanted to say, I do think, and, you know, we don't get to say, thank God for M. Night Shyamalan too often. Every now and again. I think the key reason this movie failed so hard is it open the same weekend as the six cents i saw one and a half of them in the same day because this is

the only movie i've ever walked out on that's fantastic i saw six cents and i was like ooh scary and then i was like but i like superheroes too and i went across the hall and i was like oh man i got my wizard magazine they said this movie's going to be hysterical and i watched it and i was like oh oh this is going to keep going on so you matured in the theater yes it was it was I read sexual maturity in three hours. It's like a coming of age at the movie's moment. Went from a comic book boy to a comic book man. Let he join that dumb Kevin Smith show.

So we got Greg Keneer in this movie, and he's supposed to be like... Your Superman standing. Yeah, I guess he's like... I guess I would say closer to a batman. Well, because you don't really... They don't really establish him whether or not he has superpowers, because he looks like he doesn't, but he might. Just looks like the suit.

It looks like the suit, like a mechanized. It's like a super suit. Like a gadget. He's an inspector gadget. Yeah. But he's like a, he's a billionaire. Yeah, sure. Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's also got the glasses like Superman. Right. Well, it's a, yeah, it's a real composite idea. So maybe it is more like an iron man type situation where he just, he just doesn't have the helmet. Like he's got an entire suit that does all the little, you know, wacky things. He's also got a suit with a bunch of sponsorships on it, like,

a fucking NASCAR jacket. That's funny because it's cynicism. It's 90 cynicism, right? Everybody, but we're also making money off of it because we're definitely are using real slogans and real, it's real Pepsi and don't worry about it. There's Pepsi in this movie. Oh, there's, I, you know what? I was watching this movie and I was drinking a Gatorade and I was like, you know, man,

I wish this Gatorade was an ice cold Pepsi. It worked. It totally worked on me. What does a leave? But he's got, uh, he's got, uh, he's got. got a manager in famed illusionist Ricky Jay. Like, he saves the day at that bank or the old folks home robbery we mentioned, where the

gang is led by Artie Lang for 8.2 seconds. The red eyes. The greatest truck Ricky Jay ever pulled was making the world believe he had a career. Ricky Jay is huge in the world of magic. Well, in the world of magic, yes. Do you ever see that documentary about him? Yeah, I remember the poster. it's pretty fascinating he was on like the Tonight Show a lot

in the 70s and stuff it's like he really had that magic racket going but then David Mamet was like Why don't you act in my movies? Yeah they're like best buds I saw them talk Do a talk together once And it was just the most boring thing

Let me guess it was 98% Not Ricky J speaking You're accurate on that guess One of the circles of Steve Sadeakal Is sitting down with a group of magicians listening to them talk about their craft. Just like, just being stuck in a room with a bunch of magicians, just telling all the old magician stories.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. It's pretty bad, and they're all doing card tricks, and they want you. Have you ever had someone do a magic trick for you where it's just you and someone else? Like, hey, man, I'm a magician. And they're like, no, no, no, no, wait, wait. Pick a card. I'm like, oh, my God, I really, I'm really, I'm not seven years old. And at the end of this, I have to be surprised.

Or else he's going to do another one. He's right here on my fucking plate. If you want an amazing experience, I don't know if this movie ever came out. Because I get a lot of stuff that comes across my desk. Sure. That's never going to see the light a day. But there was this movie. It's a documentary about little kid magicians that go to magic camp.

The laughs never stop. Like, you know how you watch those like kid-centric documentaries, like spellbound? Where there's, like, wacky kids and you laugh at them. Sure. Think about that, but they're also rehearsing magic routines. I just don't understand why you would do that to it. Like, why would a parent say, look, what I want to do is send my kid to Magic Camp because in a couple of years, I want a psychiatry bill. I mean, it's A to B here, guys.

It's not like there's any stop off. Well, it's like, okay. When I was a little kid, I will fully confess, I had an interest in magic. Like I had a couple of magic books And I could do some card tricks and ring tricks and what like that And I grew out of it So it's like these kids are going there It helps with like social skills and everything

It's totally fine But on the outside just watching it It's so fucking entertaining Because it's just kids like getting yelled at And like getting frustrated that their stage presence isn't great And like the best is Well there's the kids who are really into it And they take it super seriously

Sure But then there's the kids that are terrible at it And it's like the parents just paid money to be like, just go here. Get out of my fucking face for a couple of weeks. Oh, they're so bad. Because if there's one thing that's worse than magic, oh, it's bad magic.

Every three months, they have to fucking kill the bunny. Like they got to bury the bunny in the backyard. Oh, we've got to get another Ruffles in here. One of these days, Milton is going to get the hang of this trick. But until then, please welcome Ruffles the 7th. That's why you get rabbits. They keep fucking. Get a new rabbit.

You get a new rabbit. But so Ricky Jay is the manager. and it's a lot of horseshit. Like the whole gimmick of this movie is that this guy, what is he, Captain? Captain Amazing. That took six seconds to write. Yeah.

That's one of those placeholder things that somehow made it all the way into the movie. But so Captain Amazing. He's so amazing at being Captain Amazing that there's no more crime left in Champion City. And it's going through like, what about this guy? Oh, he's doing two life sentences. What about this guy?

Got the death penalty. penalty. What about Casanova Frankenstein? Oh, he's up for parole. And that's like the biggest bit of horseshit in this movie is that because he doesn't want to go out of business or lose sponsorship, he, uh, he being Greg Kinnear as Captain Amazing, goes to the parole hearing and like says like, oh, I've got a note from Captain Amazing that says that he's reformed and he should come out. Just so he can fucking have crime to fight. It's so dumb. In a very burton-esque looking parole hearing scene like a lot of long angle yeah you're totally right that shot of looking like down at geoffrey rush and and the reveal of the him reading the letter in it

being his fucking grocery list that is a burton reveal if i've ever seen one so i i'm with you we should keep an eye out for these as the conversation continues geoffrey rush kind of looks like he looks exactly like the marquis de sod in this scene like he's just a little quills joke for anybody? It's, uh, he also kind of looks like Gary Oldman in that third Harry Potter movie, like before he gets out of jail. It would be great if Jeffrey Rush just and then Cassanova, Casanova Frankenstein got up and just put his hand in his asshole. He started writing things on the wall. Man, Jeffrey Rush shows cock in that movie and God bless him because it was cold on that set. Yeah. They're filming in that castle. That guy was hiding. Anybody know if Jake,

uh, if, uh, if, Jeffrey Rush called J. K. Rowling a bitch at any point? because I can't imagine why else he wouldn't be in Harry Potter. Like, literally, like, how did they miss him? I mean, I guess it was probably, once Voldemort goes to Ray Fines, Jeffrey Ruff's like, ah, fuck. Yeah, because you can't, he's either playing the big villain or nothing. Yeah, I think it was he, it would have, it was him or Gary Oldman. I think that's the role.

Yeah, that's, I mean, you know what? He probably called Jake Raleigh a strumpet. Strumpet. That's probably what got her. is stuck in traffic. He's like, look at this stupid cow! Come on, get out of here, you silly cow! And she's like, I'm a billionaire.

He's like, I don't tag you stupid cow! This is actually my clone that you're talking to right now. I have three of these. Well, sometimes, like, if you're, like, going back and watching, like, a Mike Lee movie and, you know, because, like, Lee uses his stable of

English actors, most of them went on to be in Harry Potter movies, and you're watching old Mike Lee movies, and you're like, well, wasn't that person in Harry Potter. Exactly. How did this person miss the Harry Potter train? Or I guess it would be the Hogwarts Express. Well, now it's going to be I mean, maybe Jeffrey Rush

will, you know, mend some fences and be in that beast's and how to know them or whatever. Oh, yeah, they're turning that into like three movies. Yeah, of course. You've got to do four to five of those. It's one story. You need at least five stories to tell one story. Peter Jackson the fuck out of that book. Tell a story

in less than nine hours. You must be out of your fucking mind. I would like to get the head. count on people in the world still interested in that third Hobbit film. It gets less and less every day. I mean, at this point, you just got to do it to get the fuck over with. Like, what, I mean, really, at this point it's just getting it to fuck over with. I know,

but it's like, I didn't even see the second one. I kind of fend the second one. I liked the whole smog thing I thought was great. You know what burned me about the first one, though, is I saw it in that high frame rate? Ruin the whole thing. It's a bit of a problem. It looked like a shit video game. You know, it didn't burn you in that first one?

A dragon, because there's no fucking dragon. in that movie. You know what? There's a lot of shadow of dragons, though. A lot of, you know, pantry jokes. Yeah, a lot of those, strong ones. Ben Stiller and, oh my God, a dragon. I want that movie. So, I mean, they're just losers. They look, like, you know, so

Casanova Frankenstein gets out of jail. He blows up an insane asylum. He sidels up to Lena Olin, who's in this movie, as his psychiatrist, and you think that's going to be a relationship that happens and, like, she's his number two, and here comes a sexy villain.

no she she like goes out just disappears in this movie yes she had to go on vacation away from champion city for most of the movie I mean do you remember that every time that you think you're about to see a character emerge in this movie you're wrong you're dead fucking wrong

because Casanova Frankenstein isn't really a character either and it bothers the shit out of you because there's no conflict no there's not he he's a villain and he's like I have a villain machine that's going to villain something I've got a rule Champion City. Where is your fucking plan? Why are you doing this? And he's not funny and Jeffrey Rush can be very funny. He can be incredibly funny. Well, that's, that is the thing. Everyone in this

movie, let's not get nuts. Well, I guess I've laughed at Kell Mitchell a couple times in my childhood. Sure. But I mean, you know, he didn't Lorne Michaels. Oh, can I tell you something great? So, like three weeks ago, I was going to see the X-Men movie. Yeah. And I'm walking down the street. And he's in Midtown. I fucking hate Midtown. You know, so I just got my head down, hating life until I get to the theater. Sure. And I'm walking, and I cross the street. I'm walking down 42nd Street.

I see this little weiner dog. And I'm like, oh, look at that little weiner dog. He's such a little weiner. That's great. And then I look up, and there's this huge tall guy, this huge tall big man walking this dog. And I was like, ha ha, that's even great. It's a little dog and a big man. Icing on the cake, that big man, Keenan Thompson, just walking this tiny little dog.

And we make eye contact and he's like, yeah, I know you're looking at me because I'm walking a small dog. I'm a big ass dude walking a small dog. Because somebody's like, come on, but you're Keenan Thompson,

you're famous. You're famous. Get someone to walk up on a dog. Man, it's got to burn Kel so bad that he, that he made it on Saturday Night Live, right? It's just got to. But I mean,

you look, I mean, I've seen a Keenan Thompson in a couple of things that's not SNL. Yeah, that fucking fat Albert movie. Yeah. He's way.

more talented of an actor than Kel Mitchell. His timing is way better. He's just a funnier guy. And you see Kel in this movie and you're like, how did you even get on the Nickelodeon shows? Well, he's got, he's probably the most ill-defined of all of the mystery, man,

if such a thing could exist. Because everybody's got their type. Like, you know, Hank Azaria lives with his mother and, you know, it's that shit. You know, uh... Did everybody hear my frustrated sigh? I hope that went on the air. You want to do it again, tick two?

Yeah, that's... We'll go to. Well, because the one thing I wanted to interrupt about Hank Azaria living with his mother is... Because, like, last week you were doing the fucking Rodney push button warning. Sure. In this movie, he's living with his mother. It's the whole, like, don't come in my room shit. And the mother has the old...

Are you on the marijuana joke? Oh, adding the... An indefinite article to marijuana. Congratulations. It makes her square, you see. Oh, I see, because the kids don't call it that, do they, Andrew? No, they don't. Oh, I hate that shit.

I hate to get out of my room mom joke. I really fucking despise him. Oh, honey, you're so off-kilter. You must be on the drug things. It's like, no, but he does walk around pretending to be this British Indian colonial gentleman. You should probably have that looked into. A deep-seated issue. That's another terrible thing is like he's talking in this like, you know, English, Indian accent type thing.

Yeah. Because it's Hank Azaria, so he's got to do a voice. And then the, like, joke on top of the joke is that when the mom comes in, it's like, Ma, you know, and he drops the accent and you're like, oh boy, oh boy. Is that just terrible? I mean, if he wasn't a mystery man, he'd be a catfish, though. Right? Like, there's no other two. Wait, he would, now what does it mean if you are the catfish? You're leading people on or you're being led?

You're leading people on. You are the catfish. Oh, yeah, I swear to God, I'm a billionaire. I'm a sexy woman. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Click, click, click, click. Send me all the pictures. Click, click, click, click.

Yeah, I do want to touch on like everyone's home life, at least out of these like three mains. Plus 10 points in this movie for William H. Macy. He's a hen-picked husband. and pecked husband but he is in an interracial relationship which gets no comment plus 10 points

It was 1999 that shit was a pretty rare back then He totally didn't do it And it's fucking awesome It's like Not interracial relationships Obviously interracial relationships In movies In movies, yes

Yes It's not 1960s Alabama It wasn't against the law We revealed those laws at that point But it's awesome because it's like He comes home and he makes of the wife before like oh my wife's gonna have my balls yeah and then he goes home and he walks by a family portrait and it's him a black woman and three uh you know multiracial kids and it's

awesome and it's just nobody fucking says anything like there's no line he has a party at his house a bunch of people come over and there's no like that's your wife yeah which like i'm sorry this is a rotten ass fucking movie written by idiots like that line could have easily made it's oh yeah and that shit was all over the 90s i mean look at uh me myself and irene's got that shit It's like, I got black kids. I mean, that's a joke, but at the same time, like, it's not, like, there's so much of that shit going on in the 90s where it's like, it denotes something weird, like a character weakness if you're an interracial relationship. Right, yeah. But this is just a movie where it's like, hey, this shit happens.

This is the world we live in and shut up about it. I want to watch. One credit to mystery, man. I want to watch a movie where it's them live in their life and dealing with, like, possibly getting shit on for it or getting support for it. Yeah. Or getting support for it. I want to see their love story. I want to see all of that.

John Cassavetes, the shoveler. Shadows to the shoveler. Just shovels. No, just call it shovels. Here's a problem. What the fuck does William H. Macy do for a living? Nothing? Like, does he just do...

Yeah, nothing. I mean, coal miner? She says you've been doing this for 12 years, which is nuts. Like, that makes you such a loser, man. That brings up that thank you for this because I need to get this out of the way. Please. There is nothing more pathetic, ignorant, and stupid than people in the real world, in our world that walk around pretending to be superheroes. That shit, that fucking dude in Seattle, whatever that guy was a couple years back.

Phoenix Jones. Phoenix Jones, yeah. All these morons that dress up. Just give me a break. Go get a job. stay at home and don't have a job i don't give a fuck just don't do this because it's the worst thing i've ever seen and it doesn't translate to interesting movie making either i'll i'll guarantee you that why not do something like if you're in that situation why not i mean i i i always

assume they all got fucking like turned down by the cops oh yeah every single one oh that's my assumption every single time absolutely absolutely could have been doing something genuinely good for society but you're either a such a fat fuck that you can't fucking make it over the wall. Well, that's like those fat guys in like Dark Night that are dressing up like Batman. Hockey pets. Or more than likely, you have a severe psychological issue.

More than like that. There's something that kept you from getting accepted to the police academy. You're the guy that needs to be on the side of the road dressed like, you know, take a picture with Batman, but then you're like, maybe I am Batman. No, no, no, no, you're a dangerous loner. And you should just...

Your name's Daniel. Just remember that. My name's Dan. Daniel, not Bruce, not Bruce, not Bruce Wayne. I mean, it's just so fucking stupid. Like, you know who's a hero, a fucking firefighter? Exactly. That's a hero.

An EMT, a fucking hero cop, any of these things. And you know what doesn't work in the real world? Superheroes? Because it's not black and white. There's no supervillains. And I'm just going to shoot you in the face. Yep. If I'm a criminal and Phoenix fucking Jones comes up to me,

I'm going to take buckshot to his jaw. And that's the last time anyone will hear of fucking Phoenix Jones. Guess what? A little bit of surprise for you. That tinfoil mask you got on? Not Adamantium. Exactly. It's so dumb. And they always crop up. Any time, like a movie, like when the kick-ass movies come out, it happened both times because you have to hear about it when these movies come out. Of course. These, oh, these real life vigilantes. Here, application to Dunkin' Donuts. Get out of my face. You wanted to be a cop. Go serve cops donuts. It's almost the same thing. It's the closest. It's the closest. you're going to get to be in a cop. Do you know how to use a microwave? That's all you need to know to work a Dunk Donuts. There's more to it than that, Chris.

Well, they don't even bake the fucking donuts there. They're delivered on a truck. Dunkin' Donuts is the biggest scam of all time. Time to make the donuts. Once that dude died, they started trucking him in. Because that little guy wasn't there to make the donuts at dawn. To every franchise. He's like the Santa Claus, a Dunkin' Don't microwave it.

You'll ruin it. Well, he'll be dead soon. we'll make these donuts this one last time. Can't wait till he's fucking dead so I can microwave these goddamn donuts. Well, I think he just figured out like the perfect donut recipe and they've just been working off his donuts.

He worked so hard during all those years, making the donuts every morning that they're just working off a surplus of what they've had for all those years. So goddamn mystery men. So Jeffrey Rush blows up this nut house and Greg Kinnear shows up to be like, ha-ha, we're playing this game again, are we?

I'll capture you now. And then, whoops, he gets kidnapped by Jeffrey Rush. Because he flew too close to the sun or something. He gets gassed. Because it's a whole fucking joke. It's a stupid-ass joke again. We're like, oh, what's this? A fucking, you know, rubber dildo.

And then he opens it up and a big thing a gas hits him. Dude, if it was a huge, like, rubber dildo and something shot out in Greg Kinnear's face, great gag mystery men. Well, what this movie loves to do it. And poor old Tom Waits has to do the brunt of it is like mad scientist garbage gags where it's like it's a self-defribrillating such and such. It's an electromagnetic, you know, like it's just, it goes, there's a hundred of these. Someone bought a fucking kid's joke book full of mad scientist puns and just used them all. It's like you know how Star Trek, you know, if you read up about like production stuff with Star Trek, like they always have.

of like the science advisor who they call in and they're like read this script and let us know the words we can use to make this fucking gobbledygook sound believable

that dude was busy for mystery men and it's all just names of kids Nerf toys that guy had a heart attack on the highway on the way over and they're like

well we shit we gotta pay his widow something you know like I mean after that's done we've got no money left oh no Tim Burton's leaving it's all falling apart

I kind of like the idea of Tim Burton directing this movie in a Phantom of the Opera Man I'm the mystery man No, Kyle, you have to do it this way It's actually very interesting in the first scene you see of him When he's going to get parole His hair is in front of his face And actually it was played by Johnny Depp for that one scene

Or no, an even funier idea is that Tom Waits just didn't give his shit and thought Jeffrey Rush was Tim Burton. Oh, I guess Tim Burton's directing this movie weird. He seems like the head honcho around here. That man carries himself with a lot of authority. Jeffrey Rush is like, he's not giving Tim Burton direction. He's like, wow, that AD is doing a lot of work.

I didn't know Tim Burton was like a Warren Beatty type getting in the scenes. Now I really want to read, like, Jeffrey Rush's autobiography. You know, Tom kept on coming up to me and kept on asking me what his goals were. What his engine was? And I said, I don't give a fact. You're a nothing character. I'm the main villain. I told him I'm a huge fan.

I love sword of his trombones, but I don't know what to tell you here, Tom. And to keep the joke train rolling, Ben Stiller works at a junkyard. Junk it! Listen, there is a recurring gag in this movie That is not funny It's an anti-gag Is the whole like I'm going to go back and forth with a character

In an argumentative tone This happens between a Ben Stiller And the Junkyard Lady It happens between Ben Stiller And Gene Garofalo quite a bit in this movie It's the like the you do this No, you do that. No, you do this. No, you do that. And it goes

ah well i mean if you want to talk about dunzel washington always playing the cop role fucking ben stiller is always getting yammered at by women by older women like every single movie some older woman's got to give him the business because it's supposed to be the funniest fucking thing in the world and this one goes on for much longer than it should it's intolerable and she's only got one scene and you you'd think like it's she it was like you know blythe danner or somebody like it's just some old lady they pulled off the street off the bus, and it's like, why are we giving

this woman such gravitas? Why does this woman need to be two hours long? This movie, for everybody keeping score, is two minutes shorter than Star Wars. So, you know what? It's as long as Star Wars, which is very

frustrating. Theater experience, it's as long as Star Wars. With the previews and everything, it's equal now. It's a thousand parsecs worse, I'll tell you that much. Ew. So, you know, they hear that Captain Amazing has been kidnapped, and they're like, oh, we got to fucking...

We got to do something about it. Because they meet him earlier in the movie at the old folks heist. Where he's picking up grannies. And, you know, they're like, oh, he snubbed us. He's a dick. We'll never be as good as Captain Amazing. Well, now's our chance to save him. You know, clearly he must have been kidnapped by Casanova Frankenstein.

But we're only three people. You know, what we need is a team. And this is, like, I think, the most famous part of the movie is this audition sequence, because this shit was all over the trailer. Also happens to be my least favorite scene in the sequence in the entire movie. I think it's everybody's. It's a runner. It's concentrated what this movie really wants to be, which is like, isn't it a silly superhero name?

But it gets, like, so much, this is where this movie tips into being, like, kind of, like, shitty. Not offensive necessarily, but just out there. Just, like, you shouldn't be. doing this guys. Yeah. The PMS Avenger. I only work four days a month. Is everybody following along to the PMS Avenger joke? Once again, she only works four days a month. And she's got a red suit on. Oh, mercy. If she was a full on mystery man character, her fucking real name would be Flo. And then some old fucking bet would laugh. And that's it. Some old lonely vet would laugh.

We got Dane Cook as the Waffler. And this is the 90s because both Kell Mitchell and Dane Cook have bleach blonde hair. Because you need to do that shit, man. Oh, yeah. You either have a fucking a collar on your sweater. You've got bleach blonde hair. You're wearing a shammie shirt of some kind. Oh, yeah.

Some kind of silver jewelry's got to be everywhere. And goggles upon goggles. Yeah, like the sunglasses goggles. Oh, yeah. Like what Seth Green wears and Can't Hardly Wait, like those goggles all over the place. I think most members of Power Man 5,000 had these. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. That was a goggatistic group, Chris. Yeah, this whole thing brings to my another time capsule film that the Mrs. and I watched the other night. Watch that Josie and the Pussy Cats movie. Yeah. And I still stand by, it's like a decently funny movie. That's a decently funny movie.

But, yeah, like, we weren't watching it. for show purposes we were like oh wow haven't seen this in a while but man that movie like none of that movie exists anymore like it is a time capsule if you've ever seen one you're just looking at everything like the actors that are in it the things that they're talking about like there's i think the thing that only exists today still is fucking allen coming and target like that's it like you're just watching it like t rl's a main plot point and carson daly's a villain and all this other shit, and you're just like, none of this is real. Tara Reid doesn't exist anymore.

The egg girl, Rachel Lee Cook. Do you think on 9-11, Carson Daly was just like, well, my day is done. Just like, he figured it out. It's like, oh, fuck, no one's going to give a shit about me anymore. Yeah, no, now I got to go have a show that starts at 1230 because this is a different America. My America has ended. Yeah, I feel like the reign of TRL ended with 9-11. It's entirely possible.

So, why do they pick up Janine Garofalo? Yes, we could Janine Garofalo as the bowler. And also, we didn't mention, they hang out in a diner quite a bit where Claire Forlani is a put upon waitress, and that's all she is. I mean, it's really just like a sitcom, like, it's beats of sitcom. Like, a mystery men TV show would be terrible, but if they, like, tried a season and then cobbled it together into a movie, it would be this. Well, because it's just like, bair-da-da-da-and-then. And then they're sitting at a diner, and you're just like, oh, we'll, For God's sake, how many times are these superheroes going to sit at this fucking diner and order a sandwich? But, Andrew, isn't it hysterical that superheroes would be at a diner?

Isn't that making your gut bust? Like, I mean, have you ever seen Superman order a cup of coffee? I have it. The Flash wants an egg white omelet. And he might get a little frustrated. So, oh, so in one of these sequences where they're hanging out the diner, we can't forget one of the most important mystery men. doing his best emo phillips impression is paul rubens as the spleen the spleen whose power is shooting farts at people i know everybody you had to pull your car over because that's the funniest

thing we've said yet and they're really smelly too like super duper smith like you know clear an airplane out they make people pass out like deviled eggs for four days kind of farts you know what i mean and they were mostly in mayonnaise you ate like two-thirds of a crave case the night before and then you woke up and you found like ooh like egg salad breakfast and you had it and then you thought

you could go to work that day and then you're like oh fuck I'm gonna get fired so you sat in your car in the parking lot while your asshole falls out of your body drinking extra gold oh yeah some fucking serious banquet beer but that's I mean we're just sitting here and it's just a

scene where Pee Wee Herman tells you, he's got the smelliest farts in the continental U.S. And then aims farts at people and shoots them in the face with farts. But what stupid is he needs to get his finger pulled, which is touch bullshit. Like, I've always hated that. Like, you don't need your, it's a bad fucking dad joke. And I get it. If no one pulls my finger, I'm going to explode and we're going to have problems here. Yeah, it just becomes a real problem in the middle of this fucking movie.

Look, I'm not Batman Unless I can start the scene Hanging up from the ceiling Listen, here's the other thing though Okay, the spleen If you really need your finger pulled In order for you to pass gas in someone's face Pull your own fucking finger

Exactly! Why does it have to be somebody else's finger? Why don't you have like And this is just me trying to get into the mind of this asshole Who wrote this? Oh, I thought you said asshole I thought you were talking about the spleen. No, not his assail. asshole. And why isn't he the colon?

Yeah. Why does he have a sidekick whose job it is to pull his finger? Well, he does. Fern Troyer shows up. Yep, there we go. No, you guys, that's what Kel Mitchell winds up doing for most of the movie. Yeah, that's true. They are kind of like partnered up when they go on little missions

and all he does is pull Peewee Herman's finger. I'm just imagining Kell's resume. And just, you know, it's got you a mystery man it's like lead, Invisible Boy. The only blowpoint is pull Peewey Herman's finger. And also it's like...

You need those verbs in your resume, by the way. You need to start with a strong verb. So pulled is a good one. I just don't understand why... I'm just thinking about like the design of this character of the spleen. Like, yeah, he looks like Emo Phillips. And if you don't know who I'm talking about, look him up.

You may also get a picture of Fred Stoller, but it's closer to Emo Phillips. Sure. But it's like, why does he have to have the pimples on top of everything? Because he's a loser, Andrew. I think he might be a lovable loser. Oh, he's not, though, because he's farting everywhere. I don't want to love someone that farts in my face.

And it would be so much funnier if he was like, if he actually looked like a real superhero. Yeah. If he was like a Superman or like a Batman type, really handsome guy. Very distinguished. You get a Nathan Philean type playing this role. And then he's just blowing ass everywhere. That'd be great. That's how the joke works.

You don't get the ugliest sewer-treading-looking character and then also have him rip fucking ass it's either he's handsome and he farts or he's ugly and he's like super strong yeah or whatever you can't have him be both because then it's just a goblin and i don't want him on my superhero team no i really he actually kind of does look like a dain de han's green goblin just a little bit yeah there's been so many great descriptions of what dain de han in that movie looks like and i don't remember who said it but someone said some like it looks like he's like a lizard with stage

four cancer or something like that he looks utterly terrible he's a jaundiced werewolf in that movie see it's things like that it's great it's a fun meme I mean like so the mystery and you know jean and garrifalo is just sarcastic june grothal she's doing

fine in this movie this is like she's kind of the best one she's a professional she just shows up to do the fucking jokes this is prime gene and grothelow she's super sarcastic it works And she does have really good chemistry with Ben Stiller. So, like, because he's not doing the Ben Stiller. I'm angry guy when he's talking to Gene Garfield.

He's just kind of doing bits. But what's weird is at the beginning, when they're having these tryouts at William H. Macy's pool party, yep. She shows up late. And Ben Stiller is like, like, his character is a real asshole to her for seemingly no reason. Other than, like, he's frustrated that he's on a bad team of fake superheroes. So whose fault is that, Ben Stiller? It's not fucking the bowler's fault. It's because she has an actual power.

Oh, I see. And he's getting frustrated. And he's getting frustrated. Everybody else is like, oh man, this is so great. None of us can do fucking anything. Here's somebody who can do fucking something. And this is like the first time in this movie where we're introduced to out and out magic. Because she's got this magic bowling ball with the skull of her father inside it.

A Martha-Tax looking skull. everybody. Point one for Tom Waits. Yeah, you're totally right. Let's chalk it up. And he also thinks Maggie Smith was in Dracula, but it was actually just Gary Oldman in drag. Yeah, she had this whole bouffant, and, uh, I mean, she, she looked, she looked a little pique. I'm gonna, I'm gonna say it. I'll tell you, Maggie Smith's pretty scary in person.

And I mean, look, you know, I'm not gonna call anybody out, but she needs a manicure. Long ass nails. Did you guys know Anthony Hopkins turned out to be in that movie? Boy, I wasn't paying attention. It really lost it, man. It's a lovely young girl named Keanu. I just love him being horrendously clueless about everything he's been a part of. Yeah, that seven psychopaths was great.

Turned out Colin Farrell was in that movie. I learned two years later. still haven't seen it though real honor real honor meeting jimmy stewart i mean mr. waits please sit down but i mean it's very

mars attacksish this is it is you're right so i mean the whole thing is the bowling ball's magic because she can throw it and it goes all over the place it's not just bouncing off of things like it's little jeanine garofalo throwing a bowling ball and it hits all sorts of things it supposedly has a mind of its own because the soul of her dead father. Right. Which is, I mean, it's a magic thing. And it takes you completely by surprise in the movie, because I'm sitting here like, I thought the whole thing was this movie's just

losers that throw silverware and fart at you. But even the farting is magic. Yeah. Because Pee Wee Herman, like, looks at these people and he's just like, okay, that guy, that guy and that guy. And it's like, toot, toot, and they all get hit in the face by farts. Magic farting. And again, the mystery men are like, oh, fuck, who wants this guy on our team? He's the only guy that could do anything. That's a valuable skill. It doesn't involve a fucking shovel or a fork. Or throwing a tantrum, which is all Ben Stiller's doing.

I hate, I hate Ben Stiller in this movie. Yeah. It's frustrating. Like, I feel the fury inside of me. Yeah. When I think about how obnoxious he is in this movie. Like, I said this before we went on the air, but if anyone hasn't seen this movie, try to figure out, like, what sort of mindset Ben Stiller is or what kind of Ben Stiller he's doing.

everybody's probably seen Meet the Parents the scene at the end of the movie where he yells at the stewardess and you can't say bomb on an airplane and whatever and he's getting very fast talking and loud and it's just that one scene and then all of a sudden Robert De Niro is abailing him out of jail

he's doing that for this whole movie. It's that episode of Friends that he does instead of six minutes it's 90 minutes of just him in this two hour movie because he is our main character that we love so much. Even when he He's done over-the-top villains, like heavyweights, or, or, uh, uh, Uh, happy Gilmore, Dodgeball, uh, all those movies, it's still like he's playing like a

sly villain and it's fine. Like, if he's not even making villains go over the top, why are you doing this? Like, it's just, it's the absolute worst. More off the IMDB trivia. Uh, Ben Stiller asked to be released from this movie halfway through. Good for him. Yeah. No, honestly, good for him. He got into a fight with Greg Kinnear, and he was like, I just want to get out of this fucking movie. Really getting a fight with Greg Kinneer? They barely have a scene together. I think that's on purpose.

You think Tim Burton was like, well, Stiller's trying to get out of this. I can definitely get out of this. I'm not in front of the fucking camera. Let's go ahead and palet this. He's like, Tim, what do you want to do with this scene? You turn around, there's nothing but purple smoke.

Like, wait, what? There's a cloud of Tim Burton's Shamedon. purple smoke and hanging right at the top of it is a pair of fake Dracula teeth where did he go we've got so much of this movie to finish oh my god

and I mean so we're the mystery men now oh and Kel Mitchell's superpower is he says he could turn invisible but only when no one's looking at him which is kind of funny and that happens so we finally this is when the mystery men meet Casanova

Frankenstein 50 times in this movie fight him 50 times fail 50 times and like have to regroup and be like well that wasn't so funny what else can we do well none of those jokes hit let's get back to him tomorrow

it just keeps happening they make their first like big standoff it's like oh is that his car let's follow him and then they like cut him off in a tunnel and just get out and like stomp on his car and then guys with guns Actual fucking guns are scared by a motherfucker with a shovel and a guy who farts. Not a motherfucker, William H. Macy.

I could beat up William H. Macy. I beat up William H. Macy yesterday. He took his lunch money. You owe me the Vig. What do you want? Just, again, shooting everybody in the face. Just shooting them all in the fucking face. Don't even bring that element into it. Why are you doing?

They're sitting in the car and Janine Garofalo is going. got this bowling ball. And she's like, okay, Eddie Isard, don't move because I'm going to throw this bowling ball at you. And inside the limo, Eddie Isard is just polishing a fucking handgun. And I'm like, get it over with. Well, it's hard for Eddie Isard to fire a gun when he's trying to do an American accent. Oh, you stole the joke. If you didn't finish it that way, that was going to be my follow-up B joke. But you're totally right. It's the worst. And again, he's bad and just use your voice why could he be a British disco guy he's a talented actor he's very eloquently spoken yeah just just do it that's him on Hannibal he's just never had an

American accent worth a damn no it's it's bad on Hannibal it was bad on that show the riches yeah it kind of ruined the riches it was I mean that the first season of that show was okay the second season was really bad and I never finished it but it's distracting how How bad? And I'm like, okay, I'm supposed to believe that you're a fucking gypsy? Not everybody's Hugh Laurie. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. It doesn't work for everybody. And it's fine. Like, most of the time, he could just be a British guy. He could be a British guy in Hannibal. He could be a British fucking disco asshole in this.

I forget. Does he have an accent in the oceans movies? I don't think he does. I think he's British in the ocean. I think he's just Eddie Izard in those movies. Is he? Okay. Because I had a thing in my mind that he actually was doing. And for a minute, I was thinking, is it just him? Does he just, like, does he do it? Because you could just ask the guy and be like, can I just talk normal? I mean, I guess there are American parts.

You're like, you do an American accent. Yeah. But I mean, it's just, and I know that this obviously works the other way as well when English people are listening to us, butcher their accents. Oh, sure. You know, you have to, like, pick a region and do it. You know, that's obviously a lot easier. He's just doing this flat thing. He's trying to just not.

speak the way he speaks and you know he thinks like if he just dulls down the way he talks that's him doing an American accent and it's not I'm not saying you have to do like a fucking Brooklyn gangster voice but I mean just do something do anything make a choice or just choose to be Eddie Izard because you're great and don't distract your acting

ability like don't distract your performance your performance you stall your performance consistently exactly Hank Azaria on the other hand is doing like four different fucking voices in this movie i mean he's wearing a fucking turban throughout this movie i mean like come on everybody pre nine eleven it wasn't offensive yet i mean like and he keeps making i mean it's kind of a joke about like i mean first of all everybody knows what the fucking history of india and england is first of all he's like hey everybody the history of

india and england everyone's like wait what it's like yeah i know we've all seen that first temple of doom all right when the brits come in and save everybody because that's that's that That's exactly what India needed. Thanks a lot, Stephen Spielberg. I apologize. You know, Stephen, if we set the second film in India, there's a lot of a great political subtext we could put into it. Also, monkey brains.

Also, there could be a Sarlac under the main jar. Just look, you know, Savalba is available. Zabalba in a turban, Stephen. And it's not that old shitty sarlac. It's the brand new CGI sarlac. It's the special edition, Sarlahlerlach. Stephen, I don't think you've seen it yet. Because every time I ask you, hey, Stephen,

did you see the new special editions? You keep saying you'll get to it next weekend. It's next weekend. Watch my special editions. It has seven tongues to hold up my turkey neck. So, I mean, like, it's literally fail, fail, fail. And they're like, we need one more person for our team. And then another person with superpower shows up.

It's this dude, yeah, the, what is it, the Phoenix? The Blue Sphinx? The Blue Sphinx. Oh, I think it's just the Sphinx. It's West Steady. God damn West Dutie in his fucking movie. Well, because why not? I mean, he was in, like, doesn't he play, uh, he's Street Fighter.

He's one of the guys. He plays, uh, Sagat. He is Sagat. So I guess it kind of makes sense, but man fucking, you were in last, you work with Michael man. Come on here. Yeah, exactly. You're amazing in Last of the Mohicans.

Like, get out of town being in Mystery. And he's just doing like a bunch of, like, you know, No, I'm the wise character. Guess why? They go to camp. This movie goes to camp. They go to out and out superhero camp. It's just like these idiot old people that pay to go to rock camp.

Oh, my God. Just buy a fucking guitar and go home. That's, you know what? That's a podcast for another day. Rock and roll camps. Okay. Get out. Just.

Get out of my fucking face with rock and roll games. This is when I left the movie. So this is when you walked out. Steve's like in 1999, literally got up and left of the theater. I guess your bones had decilled enough from the six cents. Yes.

My spine stopped tingling and I was like, wait, what is going on here? I kind of imagine that you're just like your mind's so blown from the ending. You're just like, you're just trying to like piece it all back together. Just like a zombie just walked in. Mr. Men's just happening. And all of a sudden you like,

You're like, oh man, that was great. Okay, now I'll focus on this movie. I'm out of here. Fuck you. Get out of here. The pot brownie wore off and you were like, oh, no, I'm coming down. Here it comes. I thought this was the parking lot.

I'm not home right now. So they go to camp and, like, West Studies giving them all sorts of sage advice about how to fix their characters, which they don't really take that well because they're still assholes at the end of this movie. Just all of the most unlikable characters put together in one sort of. And the most unlikable Ben Stiller is like, screw this. I'm leaving. I'm going to leave the team. You know, you want to be this guy. And he goes into one of his hilarious Ben Stiller fits and leaves. And I started doing the math. And I'm like, oh, shit, there's still 40, five minutes left of this movie. Like, he's going to have to come back. He's going to have his own adventure. He's going to learn his lesson.

He's going to have to come back. They're going to have to take him back. And then there's going to be the last fight. I got, I got to get out of here. I really, you start doing that movie. at sometimes. You kind of have panic attacks? The movie math happens twice in this movie because it happens with you there, but there's another moment that we're like just about at. But you mentioned, oh, Ben Stiller's going to go off on this other adventure. Cut to

and he's just back at the coffee shop, bitching to Claire Forlani, who could not give a flying fuck. And he's, this is an obnoxious thing. Also, we're shoehorning in this love story. This completely unlikable prick is in love with this waitress who doesn't want anything to do with him. And it's like

scene after scene of him trying to ask for her number and trying to get her to go out on a date. What they do? He's an asshole to her. Well, I mean, Claire Falani has the full of like, what, maybe like 20, 25 lines in total. And she got those lines. She memorized those

lines within a week. That I think she spent the rest of the time in preparation, just like looking through the most recent LLBN catalog and just memorizing everything in there. And the entire movie, she's just in her own brain saying, well if I get that I can still get the discount and then 50%.

I mean the linen pants could go up with it. She's so checked out of the whole fucking thing. She's checked out. You know what she wasn't doing in her free time? Practicing that American accent. She's another one that you're like, you're not fooling anybody.

I wasn't fooled in mall rats. I'm not fooled in this movie. I'm not fooled in me, Joe Black. Certainly not. For the full three hours, no, I was not. And she's supposed to come from a prestigious American family in that movie. With Anthony Hopkins as you're...

There's so much wrong with that fucking movie. You know, maybe her thing with this movie, why she's not so good, is she's like, oh man, I can't wait to work with Tim Burton. And then she turned around and there was green gas. She's like, shit. She heard a pop.

Turned around and Tim Burton was gone. She had all this art for what her makeup could look like. Yeah. I feel like Tim and I are really going to connect on this set because we share a lot of the same gothic dreams. You know what they say? You work with Tim Burton once. You're always going to be in a stable of,

ah, fuck. Fucking pink cloud. It's just a pink cloud and the cloud is reading a Sandman comic. There's just a statement of going left open at the bottom where he dropped it.

So they have all this training and whatever. And Ben Stiller, he goes out on a bad date has a fucking triple deck or tuna salad at the diner and then comes back doesn't even apologize to william h macy william h macy's like do you want to come help us on this mission let's go and they fucking sneak to the house of the house that frankenstein built and they go in and it's this whole like we're going to sneak in we're going to save captain amazing it's going to be fantastic and they go in and they fucking murder him like horrifically it really takes you out of this movie as much as i'm already checked out i was like wait what the fuck

it's not like you know it's a it could be a it needs to happen a lot earlier if we're going to do this like right this is like for an hour and 20 minutes in it's like kind of the beginning of the third act they kill him which is kind of like well because you have to switch over to this grim fucking tone you just just introduced by the way so the whole gag is he's strapped to this chair and there's a machine above him it's very gold finger and you uh frankenstein says I'm going to kill you at midnight. Like, that's the thing. That's the clock we're working on.

Correct. And so we got our timetable. We go and we're going to bust him out. Here's this gold, this gold finger device. No, I expect you to die. And he's like, all you got to do is pull that one lever over there. And it's another bullshit fucking Abbott and Costello,

which lever bullshit fight that they all get into. And Hank Azaria pulls the wrong lever. The laser comes down and transforms him into all sorts of goblin-looking monsters before leaving him as a charred husk. in this dentist chair. So everybody remembers John Carpenter is the thing, right? Yeah, oh yeah. Remember when they find the, they go to the other camp and they find like what was

beginning, before he killed himself, the guy's face was splitting apart. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what this looks like. And it looks like his face is just fucking opening up. For a split second, it also kind of looks like Earthworm Jim. It does. And it's like, I thought we were just fucking listening to Smashmouth about to drink some fucking cool Pepsi, bro.

Like, what happened? So much smash. mouth in this movie. Oh, it's a ton. They did the score. No fastball, though. No, thank you. No, no, no, no, no. Which is ironic because the Sphinx is showing them the way. Yeah, see? But yeah, he's just, he's

horribly disfigured. And, like, there's a lot of ways to play that that's funny enough, but they don't do any of it. Like, heck his area, just doesn't take responsibility for it. Like, yeah, you did kill him. No, I didn't. And it's like, all right. And it's, it's a weird like, William H. Macy's just like,

well, I couldn't have done it. I was standing over here the whole time and it's a really like flat delivery and you're just sitting here like none of these people who are real people because they're certainly not real superheroes these are real people that just that just murdered a man yeah yeah who was chained to a chair and I imagine William M. Tracy like really was like um all right guys I got to go to the cops now this is all fun my life's really going to have my head I have a lot of shovels that I'm going to look at and I'm used for the rest of my life now But we got to go to the cops right now.

Well, Tim, what should I? What? Tim's God. Tim left. It's just this cape on the ground. Purple cloud everywhere. It's a notebook filled with child's drawings. Why?

Does anybody know why he left this white rose on the floor? I would love to see Tim Burton exit a movie production. Because it's got to be at least half his picture. awesome is what we're talking about. Oh, also, so while it's Janine Garofalo, Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, and William H. Macy, who all are all key

components of butchering this man who's chained to a chair. We got Paul Rubens and Kel Mitchell who are outside doing surveillance, and we're treated to a scene where Paul Rubens is farting or some such something or other. Oh, he's farting, don't worry. Kel's like, oh man,

who did you fart at? And he's like, oh, well, I didn't fart at anybody. and a skunk comes out of the bushes and just starts humping Paul Rubin's leg. And we're watching this for no less than three minutes. And he's like, just go with it and they kind of sway in the wind. And that's good enough for the trailer. Cut it, print it, trailer. Music cue and all.

Oh, my God. Smash mouth to fucking skunk fucking. Paul Rubin's got a bow in her and Kellel Mitchell's like, Ew. So while this is all going to, on in the other room like we we we're not breaking into the place they very stealthily break in and whatnot uh casanova frankenstein is hosting the first of two parties or i guess no this is the second party he's having he has a i got out of jail party and then he has this i'm about to kill

captain amazing party and it's this like this rogues gallery of people that he hangs out with like all the super villains so we've got like some some like 1930s mobster in there's a yakuza gang of some kind uh there's like an all girl gang and they'll have silly names yeah the ones that i remember are like the frat boys or like the fraties or whatever the frat which is all these like letterman jacket wearing frat boys led by michael bay in a cameo nice okay and then the not goody mob played by goody mob so you got like silo in there the rest of the dude. This is like pre-the-voice C-Lo, pre-Fuck-U-C-Lo, you know.

I, that one right over my head, because I was like, what's that a pun on? Because I just didn't listen to that band. Oh, man, is that about Wizard Magazine? No, Steve. It's about music you should be listening to. You mean the Batman Forever soundtrack? No. Smashing Pumpkin's awesome on it. It's like Southern Rap. It's like Outcast.

It's a really important movement in the music. That's cool. I'll be over here. Are they going to do a song for Batman? Did you see the Sixth Sense? It was pretty scary. The Bone Thugs and Harmony song on that Batman soundtrack was pretty okay. So what's annoying, and this is what I was talking about,

we feel like we're coming to the end of the movie and then we're not. I mean, because this is the end of the movie. It's like, whoops, we killed him. Now fucking fight Jeffrey Rush and let me go home. Instead, they all flee the mansion to go regroup. And then they got to fucking call up Tom Waits. And it's like, oh, he's an inventor. And it goes on and on and on.

It just doesn't stop. And this is what I was talking about, the timeline of the movie. Yeah. Right? Because you realize there's still like 45 minutes left. I mean, it's the same. When Greg Kinnear is butchered in that chair, I'm like, well, okay, it's ending. You know what?

I'm going to get up. I'm going to go to the bathroom, stretch out a little bit. you know, I knew this was a two-hour movie. Then I'll be able to sit through the end of the movie. Hit the space bar to pause the fucking movie. There's like 30 goddamn minutes left. 30 minutes. I was like, what are you going to do for 30 minutes?

And the answer is watch Tom Waits invent children's toys. Long before that, at the 49 minute mark, I paused. In my head, I was like, I've got to be somewhere near an hour 30. I've got to be. There's no way it could feel this long. It can't. It just can't. I walked, I fucking looked at the thing

and I wanted to die. Wow, you thought you were at 90 minutes. You were at 49. 49 minutes. That's tough to come back from. Well, this is like that stand-up set that you sit through that feels like an hour and a half because it's just like Rayguns. Anyway, yeah, man, there's a lot of crazy superheroes today.

Imagine like a Mr. Furious, right? Like, he doesn't have superpowers, but he gets angry. Get a new career. Thanks, buddy. But another one I had the idea for is maybe this guy could be farting. And I don't know. Maybe he's called the, I mean, the cones too, that's too, no, that's too easy. I just keyed your car.

Thanks, buddy. Weren't you Tim Burton earlier? Cool purple smoke trick. So we have, because what they realize is they're like, wow. We just got hit in the face with a super. superhero reality, and Casanova Frankenstein has an actual way upon that he can use.

We better go have Tom Waits and Venta's actual superhero toys, so it's not just Hank Azaria throwing spoons at people. Stuff like the blame thrower? Oh, man. Is that the one that just makes people argue with each other? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the whole fucking, somebody put a blame throw on this whole fucking movie. Because all it is is these characters arguing at each other and not

liking each other. That I'm supposed to find hilarious. The one that dry cleans you? uh the shrink ray but it just shrinks your clothes it just shrinks i believe it's just your underwear is it your underwear or is it the whole clothes it's the whole clothes because when it's used and they use the suds bubble effect yeah fuck yourself i had no idea what was going on like i had to back this movie up once because i i i honest to goodness fell asleep in the middle of it and when i woke up i when i woke up i realized like i had missed a good chunk of it and i was like fuck you're watching it for the show you got to go back. You gotta watch all those minutes.

I got to find that turn. It was all like the fucking mad monster party that I just described. Well, yeah, it's all, I mean literally, this is the end of the movie. I mean, it takes a long time because we dick around Tom waits for a while. He becomes part of the team. Then William H. Mason needs to give a braveheart speech about where the other guys

and, you know, we're just losers, but the only way not to be losers is to just not be losers. Is to get weapons. We've got to just dig down and fucking be superheroes, everybody. And how dare you try to fucking shovel horn in a message into this

movie. Yeah. You piece of shit screenplay. It's not. The whole shit about like you can be anything you want. We just got to work as a team. Like there's so much crap about teamwork in this movie. It feels like shit you would watch at a corporate retreat. It's like, and then the mystery men learned that the only path to

success was on the road of team workmanship. Well, I mean, this is the kind of movie that if you were on that work retreat and they're like, We have a big prize for you tonight, guys. We're going to have ice cream, and we're going to have pizza, and we're going to watch mystery men. I'd quit my job. I consider me officially unemployed.

Because, I mean, that's what this movie was supposed to be. It's supposed to be, like, an in-joke for people who know about comic books, except for everybody who knows anything about comic books, farted at this movie as soon as it came out. I sure did. because it's just like listen I feel like you know I don't super follow comics but I feel like people who did and this was

we were talking about this before we went on the air but like this is 99 so we had blade we had spawn that was kind of about it you know and like X-Men was right around the corner I've a feeling when this movie The Batman movies were dead the Batman movies were dead the superhero

Superman movies were totally dead and I feel like they probably there was some grumblings about Fox wants to make an X-Men movie. Yeah. But it hadn't happened yet. But because you kind of know that, and maybe even the early stages of we're going to talk about making a new Spider-Man movie.

Yeah. And so it's like, like me as a comic fan, I'm just like, I don't need to sit here and watch this two-hour rib-punching fucking thing about what I like, about the world that I like. I'll just wait till a real fucking superhero movie comes out. And you're super broad in your criticisms. It's not like you even get the details right. And that's a funny enough movie if you actually did the research to do this kind of movie. Well, that's what the Venture Brothers is.

Yeah, exactly. The Venture Brothers is fucking amazing because they know they're not like, I don't like nerds. And this is why they're nerds themselves and get everything about that culture and everything about like what they're talking about absolutely right and know it backwards and forwards and probably don't sleep at night and just write this weird show that's very funny. And like that's not what this is. Yeah. This is just fucking. I mean, you've got, one of the biggest things that sticks out, and it's really just like, don't you get it, is how they're fighting over whether or not Captain Amazing is this billionaire, Lance, whatever. And it's the old, like, but he's got glasses on.

It's like, oh, man, oh, man, do I ever get the Superman joke that you're telling that I probably saw a couple seasons earlier on Seinfeld. And I think Richard Pryor did that joke in 1979. Like, you know what I mean? Like, come on. Like, it's just, it's been done, everybody. It's been done to death. Yeah. I think, like, like, Tim Burton, like, in the middle of this production, there was, like, a week they had off.

And he went to, like, a wizard con or one of them, such things. And they were like, what are you working on? And he told it to the folks at the booth. And they were like, what are you doing that for? Pshu! Fucking left that wizard con in a cloud of mystery. of hitting on Helen O'Bottom Carter. You got himself an umbrella copter.

He definitely built one for himself. He probably has that fucking penguin duckmobile doesn't he? That's in the garage. There's a cover over it like a boat he never drives anymore. Yeah. That's where that is. I think he's got a bunch of boss on it.

The duck car boat thing has been winterized since 1994. I bet you anything. In his pool, he's got the dummy of the dead penguin and that's what he floats on on like a lazy Saturday. Man, if I could steady a strawberry daffery on a fake

dead Danny DeVito let me tell you guys that's living. Man, he's amazing in that movie. He is wonderful. Let's wrap this movie up. I mean, we got all the weapons from Tom Waits because, you know, why not?

It's a big bunch of horse shit. And they're like, hey, Tom Waits, want to come? No. No, that's cool. I don't want to be in this World War II biopic. Wait, what? Maybe it's best you don't come, Tom Waits. I'm just happy I got to work with Eddie Murphy once.

I'm Ben Stiller. You know what I'm talking about. Barbara Stanwick was just a treasure on the set. You know, one time, you know, one time I was shooting a picture with Jarmoosh and, uh, Got to ride a carousel at midnight with D.W. Griffith. Honestly, that was one of the greatest moments of my career. You know, the history books are going to be unkind to him. In the moment, he was a sweet fella.

Bought everybody lunch. I mean, fucking whatever. They go to his thing, and everybody has a moment where they do something because it's a fucking, you know, it's a super team movie. Kell Mitchell finally turns invisible Inexplicably Turns invisible Now he's got superpowers You know what I mean?

Like come on And the way they play it at the beginning of the movie He's like So nobody can look at me And then I'll turn invisible And they're like Have you ever seen yourself do it Like in a mirror or whatever

He's like no if I'm If I'm looking at myself It doesn't work either Like nobody can be looking at me And they're like okay little kid Like he's I think he's supposed to be playing like a little kid Yeah he's much younger than everybody And so you're like, you just pass it off as like, whatever.

Maybe he'll sneak by somebody, do something. Because the whole gag is like he's ignored by his whole family. So he's the invisible boy. And you think like, oh, okay, that's kind of sad. Like he's ignored. So he thinks he's invisible. No, no, no. He just straight up turns invisible.

And somehow also when he does his clothes all fall off? No, he took his clothes off to be invisible. Oh, so it wasn't like a t-shirt floating around. No, no, no, no. No, I see what's going on. A real memoirs of the Invisible Man situation. Right, right, right, right. And, you know, Janine Garfalo, apparently Eddie Izard killed her father.

I used my American gun to kill your father, sweetheart. I also love disco music, baby. A pause, when I use one of your three lines. You only get three, so be careful. I'm going to take the rest of them. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. I'm going to take your lines and eat them up. Yummy, yummy, yeah.

That's great. I mean, they fucking kill Jeffrey Rush, who gives a shit? They kill everybody. I mean, Claire Forlotti gets kidnapped, and it's like, why? That is the, I mean, I was talking about it being shoehorned before. It's so shoehorned now, because at no point ever, is anyone like, you know what, we better keep the mystery men under surveillance. That never happens. There's no way

Jeffrey Rush knows that they went out on a date. Well, he says... A date. Just one date. Why don't you take fucking William H. Wacey's wife? Like, that's gonna be... There you go. Yep, that's a stake.

Mama Blue Raja? Take her. Get her out of here. You know what, killer. Yeah, fuck it. The marijuana line. Killer. Throw her in that fucking pit.

You yourself will later fall down, Jeffrey Rush. Yeah, he gets trying to do it. also. It's just some horse shit where like the machine that killed Greg Keneer is overloading and there's a big oh, because he's going to use the same device on all of Champion City is what's going to happen. Isn't that great

everybody? Everybody's going to be fucking dead. Yeah. What's just fucking everybody's dead. Me too, by the way. Yeah, even even Casanova Frankenstein will be dead. At some point Lena Olin does her own cloud of gas and gets out of this movie. You do not

there's no end to this character. She's his number two, she's at the party, she looks a little uncomfortable, and then I think her and Burton went on vacation again. You want to go to my creepy house in Puerto Rico? Hey, Lena, you're a weird girl. Want to hang out? I have a small shack in Transylvania. That's good enough for me.

You got no bedrooms. You want to see the original cut of Mernow's Phenoth, Farratu? It's six hours. hours long. Most of it is stuff I redid myself with puppets. And my butler will play the piano. Spoiler alert, I also play my own butler with a clever wig on. Yeah, well, it's better than being in mystery, man. Yeah, go ahead. I guess I'll go on this weird vacation with you, Tim Burton. You got to sink, I can wash myself in Tim. Tim Burton's destination vacation

Shacks across the globe So everybody's fucking dead And then the mystery men walk outside There's a bunch of press there for no reason They're like oh my God It's the mystery man It's like oh and everyone gets validated William H. Macy's wife

He said she was going to leave him Because he's been doing this for 12 years Lest we forget More than a decade She's like you know what dude This is too much you know, like you're going to get killed or I don't care, you know.

And, you know, I'm going to leave you. And then, like, she's like literally packing up and one of their kids turns on the TV and there he is. He just saved the city from who cares. It's, it's a, and then she's just like, my hero. And I was like, really? What about that divorce that you promised him?

Yeah, you've been fucking working at that secretarial school for like, what? Over a decade. He refuses to go back to the fucking coal mine because he's outside shoveling at night. And, you know, this movie doesn't have the scrote, even though we're nine years away from a black president to have them kiss. That's not going to happen. No, that's not happening.

Because she's, like, you know, Ben Stiller gets his kiss with Claire Forlani. She's not there like, oh, my God, my hero, and kisses him. That's not. Like, Claire Forlani's kissing Ben Stiller, and in her head, she's like, okay, loaf of bread, need some more mustard, thing of eggs. I mean, French's is going to cost me less. But Great Pupon, I mean, it's, it's. I mean, they, they overpriced it. I should spring for it, though.

You know, I'm doing this mystery men movie. You can buy some more expensive mustard. I might even get that ground up stuff. I mean, I've got 20 pages left in 100 years of solitude. I'm probably going to finish it tonight. Can I go to Barnes & Noble and get a new book? I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, here's his tongue. Oh, that's uncomfortable. How long does it take papaya to go old? And then it's just, you know, take us home, smash mouth. the fucking all-star song kicks up again that was in the video it was i remember the video it was a tie-in man yeah and and that's it there's no like you know smart on this movie did not have a goddamn you're not going to believe this sequel set up you know there's no geoffrey rush frank langella hand coming out of something nope you know there's none of that it's just like you know what this is

probably going to be the only mystery man movie and that's it there's an odd thing in the credits where it says dockers khakis the official khakis of champion city because this movie was taking people's money man left and right like it's like all right this movie's not going to make any money in the theaters because tim burton just left and we have to say somebody named kinka usher directed it and that the first half of that contract by the way he keeps whether or not he stays or not he gets that first half it's a pay-for-play contract my friend I mean, poor Kinka Usher, like, could have had a career ahead of him. Stead he's now credited as the guy who directed mystery man. That's no good for anybody. I mean, he could have directed it or he might have directed some of it. I mean, I don't know. I just don't buy that this nobody was assigned to direct this big budget movie with tons of stars for universal pictures.

I just don't buy it. It might be one of Hollywood's greatest mysteries, honestly. And if there was anyone more credible, then Tom, Wade's talking. I'd feel I'd feel great about it. And I love top weights. You know, it was amazing when I was filming my major role in Beverly Hills Cop 2. I turned to, well, it was one of the Lumiere brothers. I don't remember which one specifically. But, well, the point is the conversation centered

around gambling and women. Yeah, I mean, he's not exactly a credible source because he's a chameleon stage man performer. Yeah. And he just likes to have fun with people and maybe he's just putting something over on somebody in his own autobiography. But that's what's amazing about it, though. It's not like he's talking about some big secret about one of his records.

Yeah. Or, you know, I mean, he's known as an actor mostly for the Jarmish stuff. And it's no bit about a Jarmish movie. It's about this piece of shit, 1999 garbage superhero movie that he has no reason to make this up about. You know what?

Say what you want about Roberta Bonini. he had a great scene with Lillian Gish in that down by law just standout performance Lillian Gish I mean so I mean who knows

it's too bad you know why it's never going to get solved because Robert Stacks dead he's the one person that would get to the bottom of this a Hollywood unsolved mystery Tonight

was mystery men directed by Tim Burton I won't know because I can't watch it it's two fucking hours long on celebrity unsolved mysteries I kind of love it if Kenneth Unger's like follow up to Hollywood Babylon

was just a book about mystery men oh there's lots of secrets man Hollywood Babylon for the special mystery man only edition it's 400 pages long it's somehow 400 there's a bunch of suspect photos of multicolored clouds

is this tip bird It's all the sketches. Notice this green cloud. Beneath it, a collection of Edgar Allan Poe stories. The casting director was supposed to hire Keenan Thompson, but accidentally hired Kell Mitchell. And they didn't have the guts to say, oh, shit, you wanted, I didn't know. I don't watch that show. Their instructions were just hire the funny one from Keenan and Kell.

I didn't know. That's just my opinion. They had better lines. Throughout that show. I think it goes without saying that no one's recommending this movie. No one directed it either. Funny enough, Andrew's mouth.

But no, no one here is recommended. Just call me Mr. Nobody. Mystery Man directed by the El. Elephant, man. Still, I was a pen to work with. What's a prima don't. Now, I would say we always try to do if there's like a solid three-way

round the horn, non-recommendation. We try to put people out with something. I would say a comic book movie that came out around this same time that's a total recommend for me, Blade 2. Oh, yeah. I think Blade 2 is a solid sequel. It's a good comic book movie.

And I'm going to say this because I wasn't on the Batman Forever episode, so I didn't get to say what my breakdown of the Batman movies with. But actually, number one with a bullet would be Batman Returns, is my favorite Batman movie today. And I think it's just a phenomenal movie, top to bottom. And Scott Pilgrim, you know, I mean, it's kind of got its cult of its own. You know, I'm not fucking turning any heads. But I think it's the only time that people have got, like,

really just dove into superhero culture, comic book culture, had a lot of fun with it, and made it funny. Oh, my God, you guys. That is the first week of our summer blockbuster extravaganza 2014. Again, it was Mystery Men, possibly directed by Tim Burton.

If you want to get a hold of us, check out the website, wh-h-Modcast.com. There you can find an episodes page, which will lead you to the back catalog of episodes for all your new listeners out there. 100 and back can be found on there. Be sure to direct download those or stream them right from the website.

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Don't forget to also pick up those commentaries we talked about, Chudmintary and the new Star Trekmenary nemesis, available now in iTunes and other fine downloading sources. I fight my clone. I fight my clone. It's another bald man with a fake nose. Good gravy Star Trek nemesis.

Blame it on Outer Space, our sister show. Check them out bi-weekly conspiracy theories with a comedic twist. Blame it on Outer Space. com at Blamespacepad on Twitter Facebook.com slash Blame it on outer space. They're also on iTunes and the Stitcher Radio app. Rate and review those guys

as well. More exposure for the show. More exposure for the W.H.M. Family. We would greatly appreciate it. All right. The summer blockbuster extravaganza continues in week two. Hint for next week's episode. Chris Cabin. Christopher Lambert.

Ooh. We haven't had him in quite a while. Have we ever done him? Wasn't he in that Alien movie that takes place in Houston, Texas? I come in peace, no.

He's not in that movie. It's Dolph Lundgren. Oh, it's Dolf Lundgren. And then the other guys, I guess, just someone else who kind of looks like... And Ben, right. Yeah, he looks exactly like...

Oh, yeah, yes. The alien, yes. The other alien looks like Christopher Lambert. All right. But, so I guess, welcome to the show next week. Christopher Lambert, everybody. So Christopher Lambert.

It's pretty vague and whatnot, but just remember, Summer blockbuster, so we're doing big movies next week. Like mystery, Ben. Take that universal pictures and ourselves. Until next week where we figure out which Christopher Lambert movie we're talking about. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin.

Steve and say that. Take it easy. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Let's just do that again. You go first. This is episode 160.