We Hate Movies - S4 Ep161: Mortal Kombat

Episode Date: June 10, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang travels to Outworld to take on Goro and the rest of the freaks in the ass kicking video game adaptation, Mortal Kombat! Why did they cower away from any blood whatsoever? Why does Reptile have to look like the SoBe mascot? And why did they cast a white guy to play Lord Rayden? PLUS: A Mortal Kombat themed vacation resort might be the new Happiest Place on Earth! Mortal Kombat stars Christopher Lambert, Robin Shou, Linden Ashby, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, Talisa Soto, Trevor Goddard, Chris Casamassa, François Petit and Keith Cooke; directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zedak. Eric Shoukhan. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to what will surely be the deadliest week in show history, or will it? It's the second week of our summer blockbuster extravaganza, where we're tackling 1995's Mortal Kombat, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. It'll be the deadliest, but not bloodiest, because there's not a drip, drop of blood in this entire movie. How on Earth? Do you do that? Like, this isn't even like, oh, we want to get a PG-13.

routine ratings so we're like keep it clean this is like squeaky clean like 80% of that video game is me looking at blood like I should see blood in the movie yeah like you're not uh you're not go into this movie if you don't already know what mortal combat is there should be a PG 16 I feel like this would be like PG 13 it's all the same restrictions PG 16 it's super violent but there's blood too you know what I mean like let's let's break these these out a bit Maybe you get two fucks and a finger dittles. Whoa. No, you're just talking R, man.

No, an implied finger dittle. But then 16, what's the difference to 17? You're already there. That's why it's stupid. That's why rating systems are stupid. Just make this Mortal Kombat movie have blood in it. That's all. What a fucking failure.

Like, already you're a failure. Or, you know, pixelized blood would work too. Just put in a bunch of 8-bit grass. And you're fine. And it's not even like... 16 bits, by the way. Oh. We were there.

I apologize. We had gotten there. Yeah. The Jaguar didn't come out yet. I think that was like 64 or 32. You're right. You know, it really would take at least 16 bits to capture that Toasty guy. Noob Seibot, you mean?

Oh, is that what that guy is? Noob Seibot was the Toasty guy? I think it started out that way and then he turned into another character. He was just another one of those. He was a guy that pops. on screen, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed Tobias and somebody, somebody Boone. So the guy that pops up and yells shit eventually

dawned Ninja Garb and went all black and entered the game himself. Yes. He got very Tron is what happened. Oh, shit. I guess he fights for the user. Yeah, I feel like Mortal Kombat is the game that I don't want to tron myself into. No, not at all. Baraka would fucking cut me like a Christmas turkey. You know what mean like we'd all be dead in seconds there's no two ways about you'd have to if we all got sucked into into mortal combat a la tron it would be like scorpion versus we hate movies like it couldn't

be scorpion versus steve no like we would need all four of us and honestly anyone else who's ever been on the show to fight one person now i've imagined like chris cabin like crawling behind scorpion so we could push him over and then scorpion setting him on fire i mean if i got select into that game. I think I would have to like get those like parachute pants and like yeah get like that like I don't know that turban hoodie or whatever these people you know the background character

I would like to be a guy in the background. Yeah I'd love to be a like cheering it on like you know I'm like a sort of you know I'm a regular regular outworldly dude. Yeah totally. Now can I just say before we get into this because listen everybody we're talking about the Mortal Kombat

movie today. The Mortal Kombat movie. The movie that they made out of Mortal Kombat. If you like it, that's great. You know what the cool thing is? After this episode's over, you're still totally allowed to like the Mortal Kombat movie. But for the next few minutes, we're going to make fun of it because we have found some things that we find wrong, sad, and humorous about the Mortal Kombat movie. But I can assure you, we're not going to go into your house and steal your Blu-ray copy away from you. So sit back, let's everybody enjoy us making

fun of Mortal Kombat the movie. I'm just imagining Jerry Seinfeld doing a bit about like airline food. Hey, I like airline food. No, that cold chicken's great. Hey! So, I find

banking very convenient. I never had a problem getting a cab. So right away from the new line cinema logo They are not fucking around with this movie This theme song kicks right into high gear The first sounds you hear in this movie Are this

Mortal Kombat Oh, delicious, that song. Has there ever been a movie ever other than this one that started before the credits screaming its own title? Back to the future! Ooh! Ooh! No. Shattered glass!

Twelve years of slave! I don't think so. No, I don't think so either. I mean... Shorn! You know, Star Wars almost doesn't. It's a silent, though. It's right in your face and it shoots at.

Yeah, that's probably the closest, right? John Williams screams with an orchestra and then blammo Star Wars right at the same time. I'll tell you, John Williams does not know how to whisper with an orchestra, that's for sure. It's all top volume. Oh, yeah, he doesn't know what a crescendo is because he's already at the top. Time and time again. Actually, John, could you only make crescendos? I think the score to the original trilogy would be much better if it was just crescendos.

And subalba is available for the clarinet. He's good at the clarinet, John. Now, this duel of the faiths is great and all, but you could have subalba singing those doing the chorus. He is a trained opera singer, John. subalba has pipes you know he doesn't have legs but he has pipes so the major problem with making mortal combat into a movie is that movies have to have stories that's what we're dealing with here i mean it's the same shit with street fighter right but i mean i feel like mortal combat has the game even less of a story it's like you pick your person and you fight your way up to the top of the the the chart of the of people you have to fight. I will say that I think that

I like Mortal Kombat much better than Street Fighter as a movie. I like Street Fighter better as a game for anyone that ever gave a shit, which is zero. But I think that specifically this movie doesn't try and overthink itself. It's like, what's the game about? A bunch of weird people

fight each other, huh? All right, cool. Got that. Yeah. Nothing out. Like, in Street Fighter, we've got this whole fake nation. Raoul Julius make it his own money. You get the fake UN involved. That is way too much for a game about punching people. Exactly.

Well, this has, this invents Outworld. Outworld's part of the story there. Is it? They say it? Yeah, they say Outworld. Yeah, Shaqon's the emperor. But is it like what? You got to read that on the back of the box?

You got to read the booklet, man. I never did that shit. But I guess that's why I didn't know what Outworld was. You only got half the story. You only got the punching part. I really got the punch and I didn't get the rich political drama about Emperor Shao Khan. Yeah, it's pretty riveting, I don't you say. You would have known all about Shang Sun.

Right. Well, but that's, I feel like this is not unusual for video game movies. The idea of the world where the video game is set breaking into our world. Because Mario Brothers does the same thing. Marriar Brothers is a movie that really overthinks what it's trying to do. It's about an Italian guy jumping on fucking turtles' heads

and they're like, well, I guess if it's about an alternate past where reptiles became human, et cetera, and like we're dancing and we're doing all sorts of things. There's rocket boots. You know what? I have to say that movie was probably a lot of fun to write. Oh yeah, because you're doing so many

actual mushrooms. Oh, yeah, dude. Like you're just sinking into that couch writing the Mario Brothers movie A couple one-ups Now we're talking Exactly Yeah those I mean these dumb ass things have to be fun to write Yeah but you're right though making them

It's probably constant torture But I feel like I don't know Mario Brothers is like You had real actors in that movie Yeah The closest you're coming here is Christopher Lambert And that's a stretch and a half That is the closest

Like the dude who plays Luke Kang was in, what, Beverly Hills Ninja, Mortal Kombat 2. I mean, he's kind of been around. I read that he's in those death race remakes. Oh, is he really? Yeah, good for him. Was it Jason Statham's in one of them? Yeah, I think he's in the nothing straight to streaming sequels, I guess. Is that what we have to say now, by the way, is straight to streaming?

I think it's going to go that way eventually, right? I'm going to say straight to video until the day I die. You have to. We've got to keep that alive, no matter what the format. When it's getting beamed directly into our heads, it's still straight to video. Straight to cerebellum. There, I mean, I followed, I mean, I really, I was a big Mortal Kombat head as a kid. So was I.

I was super into this game. I was super into this movie for a really long time. And I followed the career of Lyndon Ashby for far too long. That's Johnny Kay. Johnny Cage. I kept expecting, like, him to break out. I was like, oh, man, sooner or later, he's going to play the Green Lantern. I'm like, nope.

I think he finally broke out just recently. I read that he's on that Teen Wolf show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Good for him. I mean, he's not bad in this movie. He's pretty, he's kind of the best part of the movie. He's doing exactly what he has to be doing, like playing like a douchey movie star.

Robin Shue, on the other hand, the guy who plays Lukang is an atrocious actor. He's real. I mean, he's an excellent athlete. Yeah. He's fucking gorgeous. Or look at Lou Kang with a shirt off. Yeah. But my lord, the acting. It's just not, I mean, that's, you're trying to turn fighters.

You're trying to turn fighters into actors, and you can't, you can't have your cake and eat to do with these people. The Luchang kind of lives the life that I always wanted, which is, for some reason, I was raised as a Shaolin monk. Right. I know all the karate's. Uh-huh. And then I break off.

Yeah. And I've got a pretty sweet apartment. He does have a sweet fucking pad. The one scene you see, and then you always have to go back and settle old scores. You're kind of independently wealthy for no good reason. Well, it's all the fights you're winning. That's all tournament money. Yeah, and you don't have to split any family money because your brother's soul has been swallowed by a sorcerer.

Yeah, that cuts down on living costs. Very important turning point in the life of. Lou Kang. I mean, 30 seconds in, this dude's neck is getting broken. It's like, oh, you know, I'm just going to leave Asia for a while. I'm going to get an apartment in America. You don't even know who Lou Kang is in the beginning. You see an Asian guy fighting who you know his Showsong.

Like, Shang Song, you know exactly who he is. Yeah. He's the bad guy. You're like, all right, hey, Lou Kek. Oh, oh, no. Oh, no, what's that? Shanksun's fighting a child? Because, like, Liu Kang, what's the actor's name?

Robin Shue. Robin Shue is, like, clearly. in his late 20s you know possibly 30 while they're making this movie maybe a little older so it's not Liu Kang like you know it's not Lu Kang and if it is it's like baby Luke this is a child

that Shang Sun is beating the shit out of at the start of this movie and you're like what did I just walk into like a fucking Chinese this boy's life or is this a chucky cheese it's a weird chucky cheese you're out of tokens

I'm going to take your soul Chuckie wants your soul Chuck E wants your soul I thought I'd be killed by robots That's sorcerers So he wakes up It's a nightmare He's remembering

I guess like he has a weird nightmare How he knows how his brother was killed Yeah I don't think it's he's not remembering And like that it just happened Can we talk about how green it is In his apartment for no reason Like is it where is he necessarily Maybe he's living in

Is it rainforest? I was going to say he's living in in Vegas. He's like right outside of neon sign. Right? They do prize fighting in Vegas. Maybe he's out there. That makes sense. Like, you know, what's that movie? The best, too. Yeah.

Maybe it's that. Maybe it is that. Maybe he works with that. Maybe he hangs out with Eric Roberts. Oh, yeah. Chris Penn. Yeah. They're selling all sorts of old scores in that movie. Go back to the old court. It's so cool to have been raised by Shaolin Monks. You're always in great shape. Oh, yeah. You're never not just the little

bit overweight. They don't even know one, they don't know word one from Doritos. But I feel like if there was a world in which I was raised on a continent that didn't know what Doritos were, it would be a whole different world. Oh yeah. You'd be like an underwear model.

Or a prize fighter, like one or the other. But either way, you're definitely not eating Doritos. Right of have self-respect. Like, one of the other. But like I would not know what Doritos are. Here's the thing is like, you get raised by the Shaolin's. You're not leaving. And if you do leave, you're not coming back, ever.

You're never seeing them. I feel like it's an, it's an Amish type of thing, right? Yeah, I think it's like when you're gone, you're gone. And that's why when he comes back, he's like, I'm here to revenge my brother's murder. They're like, get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about? You left. Step three in this story that I love, he's got a pretty great leather jacket on.

Like a little too big for your leather jacket. You get that on the outside, is the thing. Yeah, he comes back into the monastery wearing all sorts of fans. fancy America clothes. He's wearing leather. He must know what a Dorita chip is. The old wise mug grabs his hand and sees like little cheese stuff to it.

He's like, you are not welcome here anymore. He is lost forever. So that's our introduction to Luke Kang. Then we're introduced to Sonia Blade. And the unfortunately little used jacks in this movie. The Jack's problem in this movie is astounding to me.

basically take jacks who's a classic mortal combat character starting with mortal combat too this is like the third movie the third game was about to come out so this movie features characters from the first two games yes and like eventually like yeah we have to go to the outworld on a on a scary boat and we just trade jacks for another guy that's not a character in the game his name's art for no reason i'll tell you the reason up that body count yeah someone's got a but it's Mortal Kombat. I've killed all of these characters a thousand times. Have the scroat

to kill actual Mortal Kombat characters. It would be great, but they don't have the scrote. That's the real issue. So, I see. Sonia and Jacks are tracking Cano at a rock concert slash who knows what. It's a rock concert slash

villain lair. Yeah. It's I think it's owned and operated by Shang Soon. Yeah. It's Shang Sun's metal club. And people are like go with nuts for metal. Sonia and her team are infiltrating this club mid-concert. They're like pushing past teens

with shotguns and everyone's like, oh, all right. Everybody is so into the moshing at this metal show. They don't even flinch when she starts firing off an assault rifle and killing people in this club. The pyrotechnics.

Wow, they're taking the stage show to the floor. It's outrageous. She's just blowing dudes away. And this is when we get introduced to a very rapey turn for Cano. Like, he is a creep and a half, man. He is all over this performance. He kind of reminded me of Russell Crow. The guy kind of looks like Russell Crow. And he's doing an Australian

accent. Yeah. So that helps. It's really like lick at his lips and just sweating. Just eating greasy food so he always has to have his fingers in his mouth. Yeah. It's disgusting. It gets to you And he also has a cyborg guy Which you want Which you definitely don't want to explain No

No you don't Because all I'm thinking is Terminator If you're a parent in this movie Which you had to have been Like you know You take your kids to Mortal Kombat You little fat kids want to watch a fat video game So you did

So you take them You're like alright five Patty We'll get fucking McDonald's afterwards My parents said better sense They just drop me off for this one They're sitting with you And, like, at that point, when you see a cyborg eye and the movie makes no attempt to, like, justify it or tell you what's going, I'm like, oh, fuck, this isn't for me. And you just start tuning out.

Oh, yeah. Because it's like, it's part of the video game, but how would they explain it in the script? You know, like, oh, you just have a one off line like, cricky, got this eye here from all those blimey crimes I've done. I did. Exposition complete. flawless victory I remember last year when a time traveler

from the future took me eye and put this cyborg eye in there it was a weird turn Yeah you know that is probably like a future mob doctor Would do that What I realized the first time

I saw this movie And I have not seen this movie Since I saw it in the theaters In 1995 But both times I had that question of like Like when you were just playing the game And I guess maybe it's in the booklet and I just missed it.

Idiot. But, like, in the game, I never distinguished, like, who was an evil person and who was a good guy. Like, I think I did a little bit. Like, there's some that are obvious, right? Lou Kang, Johnny Cage. But why? Because they're, like, because they resemble human beings. Yeah, that's true.

They're not a centaur or a fucking. Well, those clearly. Or an evil, you know, spear chucking ninja. Well, those clearly. right? Like, yes. But like, Kano, who knows? Just because just because he's disabled and only has one eye that he can see out of he's a villain. You could have made Kano a Han Solo esk rogue. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So like, that's what I was

curious, like this movie is just making these choices. Like, okay, Cano's a weird, rapy bounty hunter guy. But no, in the book, in the booklet, it tells you, please don't say in the book. In the novelization of Mortal Kombat the Video Game that predated the movie. Written by Tom Wolfe. How about both of them? Yes.

First draft, second draft. Honestly, a believable writer's name for someone who would write that is someone named Dean Wolf. So that works out. Or Peter David. the latest novel by Dean Wolf I'm going to use that

as my gnome to plume So you were saying It's very They may They explicitly say That both That Sony is a cop That she does chase after Cano

Who killed such and such And there's a blood feud going on That's like That's what I think This movie doesn't invent a lot It's really just take Somebody read the Mortal Kombat booklet and made a script out of it

In the booklet Is that why Striker shows up In those future games Oh yeah Is he like The next cop assigned the case striker i loved playing as striker because just you know that guy was a moody asshole oh yeah oh he had a nightstick a gun and bicycle shorts for no reason no he had pants on

oh yeah i think it was like cargo pants yeah he's definitely had cargo pants and he just hucked grenades that's a guy yeah he's like right before his mortal combat fight happens he's just drinking black coffee in the locker room just not having anything well let's he's the only guy with fucking the sense to bring grenades to mortal combat, which makes a lot of sense. Yeah, they never specify what you can and can't take into the outworld. Well, he's smart, right? He probably observed

the game and was like, all right, well, these robots and the Mortal Kombat 3 have grenades. I guess I should bring some. I have no idea how people are shooting fireballs out of their hands. So I guess no one would really bat an eye if I brought a grenade or two.

The least I can do is carry some pepper spray and take this baton with me into the outworld. Do you think that now outworlds a totally different type of worlds? So they don't they're not really aware of guns and grenades in the same sense, us on earth would be. Sure. But they're aware of

robots with rockets that shoot out of their chest? Maybe they're from another dimension as well. But like Stryker, maybe he's thinking, they're going to think I'm magic. Hell yeah. Just like everyone else. See, I've got a fireball. These are my powers. I lay exploding eggs.

Oh, do you see that guy? Lade some exploding eggs. Tough customer. What a magician? That guy wears his black fireball shooter on his wrist. That's what I hated. Could you use that gun of his? You could, yeah.

Could you? A special move. I didn't remember, but I always remembered him just firing it up into the air when he won. Like a bad boy. Yeah, he was a bit of a bad boy. It was also weird to have somebody a white guy with a nightstick be a protagonist after the L.A. riots, just throw that out there. Him versus Jacks was a little weird.

Yeah, it was weird. It was on, you know what? We weren't ready for that shit. I never, I avoided that, that combination when fighting. Like, if I picked, if I picked, if I picked striker and my brother went to pick Jackson, but I go, dude, we're not ready for that. You got to be Syrax. You got to

be, he's got to, he's got to assault a robot. What was the red ones name? A sector. Sector. Sector. Sector was cool. Cyrax was the yellow. then smoke was a robot at some point that's the story i want to see how smoke went from a ninja to a robot because of william striker from x-men yeah that's what i'm thinking that's what i'm thinking i mean world's colliding for more that's striker's dad i think yeah this is part of the xman

universe for more inside baseball on the world combat universe see the rest of this episode but back to the movie. For just a moment. We cut to Johnny Cage. Right. And this is, you know, like, it's a nice, it's a nice movie fake out, I think. Like, it's not bad. They do an okay job of it. He's also dressed like he's in a 90s porno, by the way. Because those pants, it's got a black suit on? It's a black suit with like a nice, like, Kelly Green shirt. And those, those suit pants are a little too baggy to be business professional. Do you think they're like ripaway? Yeah, he just got done yelling at a secretary if you know what i mean so he gets to do a fight with a bunch of people then you find out it's a movie set and stephen spielberg is directing a stephen sagal-esque action

movie it's a guy yeah right guy dressed identically to stephen spielberg well the whole thing was spielberg's a big video game fan and he was supposed to be in the movie and he had a scheduling conflict and they put a dude in who looks like spielberg do you think like i feel like he was asked maybe. Yeah. He was like, oh, yeah, sure, that'd be fun. And then he got a script and he was like, yeah, no. Yeah, no, I'm busy that day.

I like that game, but no. You know, look, when I get home after a long day of animaniacs and I'm all, I'm all tired, I'll pop in some Mortal Kombat, just like the next guy, fight some people. But I'm not going to be in that movie. No. That's always one of my favorite parts of, uh, house of cards is like Kevin Space getting home from a long day of trying to rule the world. Yeah. And he's just

got to sit down with some PlayStation. That's fantastic. But so, you know, Johnny Cage, apparently his motivation for going into this tournament where people get murdered is apparently the press. It's front page news everywhere

that Johnny Cage is, quote, unquote, a fake, you guys. Which doesn't make... He's an actor. Of course. He's a thing. Remember in 1985 when they revealed Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't a Terminator and everyone was all pissed off? No, I have to make a second movie.

What a fake. They're not going to believe I'm a Terminator. Turns out that accent is Austrian and not Robot. I thought it was fucking Robot the whole time. Guys, you know that that robot's just some Austrian guy? What a load of horses? I know, I went to that Robot's other movie, too. Apparently, Stephen Seagal didn't kill him.

60 Jamaican men. What a fake. Well, to be fair, he may have at one point. Yeah. But not the ones you saw on screen at the very least. Yeah. Try to find out which one of my movies are documentaries.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Oh, I didn't expect the Glimmer Man. Yeah. Well, so. A fake. I just don't. Like, the thought I had was like. Like, who's ever done this?

Like, who's ever been like, Jackie Chan's a phony? Oh, that Jet Lee, he's really full as shit. Like, I don't understand what the fakeness is. Like, they're saying he's not a good fighter. I guess is the idea of- He's faking his moves. He says he does it for real, like that Jackie Chan.

Turns out he's using something called a fight choreographer. Did you know that on these movies, they don't really die? That actor's still alive. he just falls down fucking phonies fucking Hollywood people throw in popcorn at a Johnny Cage movie

Ah it's a phony They're a bunch of phonies Johnny Cage is faking it Outside my neighbor Harry Saw him get beaten to death It's just a regular guy All I'm saying is I'd like to see That Johnny Cage go do mortal combat

Let's see how he likes it The next day Hey, Johnny Cage is doing Mortal Kombat. His agent who looks like Kenny Rogers, which is my favorite thing. Which is fantastic. That dude's been at a bunch of stuff, too. Oh, is he?

Yeah. What was he going to say? Oh, what? So you think he's like a Stephen Seagall? That's the level of action star that Johnny Cage is supposed to be. Or is he bigger? Is he a Tom Cruise?

I don't think he's a Tom Cruise. No one's really been like, oh, my God, Johnny Cage. Everyone's like, oh, it's that guy. I think, I would say, He's somewhere in the middle because I feel like the character itself is sort of based on Tom Cruise in a way, right? Yeah. He's always got those shades. Yeah. And he's like kind of the clean cut look. Yeah. He doesn't look like a traditional fighter.

Doesn't have a ponytail. Yeah. He does not have a ponytail. That's true. Well, Van Dam was offered this role but decided to do street fighter. Bad move, I think. But also I think that I would have a problem with a Belgian Johnny Cage. That's the thing. And also speaking of Tom Cruise, though, he was also offered this role. Yeah. I think they really thought they could make. this movie bigger than it was. Oh yeah, they tried. Spielberg, Tom Cruise. Oh, yeah, we'll get all the luminaries, all the Hollywood hot shots for Mortal Kombat the movie. I'll tell you this, though,

if they got any of those guys, they probably wouldn't have the money left over to afford Christopher Lambert, and then we'd actually have an Asian Radin. Like God intended. Heaven forbid. Heaven forbid. Raiden is played by an Asian gentleman.

All right, well, if we're doing the P&L on this Mortal Kombat, we could either have Richard Harris is shang sung or and get an Asian guy for rated or we get

an Asian guy for Shang sung and we get Christopher Lambert for rated but why is it Christopher Lambert he doesn't do

any fighting in this movie hire Christopher Lee do you think it'd be loaded to put a a French fella in a

in a Vietnamese hat well he's kind of American too actually is that is that okay is that weird to anybody else

Oh, you know what, guys, let's scrap this whole afternoon's meeting because it's 1995 and people don't care about that stuff. Fuggy, cast Christopher Lambert. No one's looking. By the way, when we're talking about Raiden, we just have to quickly give credit to John Carpenter for inventing the character in Big Trouble and Little China. Yeah, absolutely.

All of Mortal Kombat is like, hey, if I line Big Trouble in Little China up with Bloodsport, Mortal Kombat Kind of entered the dragon Billion dollars please Yeah that's kind of the The plot of this movie Is definitely a little bit

Enter to the Dragon going on Well that's kind of the weird thing It's the same thing When they made those Lara Croft movies Like as a video game It made sense to be like Hey look We're not gonna you know

Those Lucasfilm video games Kind of suck Let's just take the idea Have fun with it Make it blow it out As a cool video game Where it's a sexy woman That's acting like Indiana Jones

You go into all sorts of Indiana Jones adventures Because that's a video game It's never been doing done before. Stephen, just real quickly, good news

for the video game of Laura Croft Tomb Raider, the jiggle effect is in. We'll be able to put that in the game, Stephen. Are you ready to play? I just had my turkey neck so that the jiggles are accurate.

There was no reason for her breasts to bounce in those games. But when you make that into a movie, it's just like, oh, it's just Indiana Jones. And that's kind of this, where like, it made sense to make it enter the dragon

or a Bloodsport kind of video game mixed with a big trouble in Little China because you would never see that in the movie. You would never see it, but also in the games like this was before cutaway scenes. Yes. Right.

So you just select who you're going to play and then you're just stuck with the guy for 10 stages and then the game's over with. There's no sequences where you're going through whatever. Like there's no adventure to it. And whenever they try,

remember that side scrolling sub-zero game that came out? I think in the, only person who feels that that video game did not get enough play I never even heard of this oh yeah it's just it's a it's a subzero solo project it's his solo

record and it's a side scroller and you just kind of do shit you go through levels how humiliating it was for him to crawl back to the Mortal Kombat label after that yeah no no all right I'll take the mask off now and I'll

yeah that was that was a bit of bullshit in that Mortal Kombat 3 when like he was Sub-Zero was Italian or something? Like, I always thought Native American, but Italian could also work. He was like Frank Stallone with a scar on his face. I think you're thinking of Night Wolf. Well, Night Wolf was clearly a Native American.

In your face, Native American. Oh, yeah. Down to the ghost Tomahawk he would throw. He was downright Native American. I thought it was a pretty cool character. I loved playing at him. It was awesome because you had the bow and arrow and the tomahawk. Yeah, man.

And his animality, he turned into a wolf, shock. But it was still kind of great. So, like, his agent's like, ah, you're a fake, Johnny. I know he's the best. Everybody thinks you're a fake for some reason, because it's movies. You better go fight in this secret tournament

in another land where there's no cameras. That'll teach everybody. The thing that I realized about when they're getting these offers to go play in this tournament and whatnot, nobody tells them ahead of time that it's to the death. Yeah, they don't say Mortal Kombat just yet.

It's just combat. guy tells him nothing he's like you go down to the dock peer 57 there's gonna be a boat get on it and get out of town it's like the start of william friedkin's sorcerer but you actually fight sorcerers yeah there's actual sorcerers one difference well there's one sorcerer and everyone keeps calling shang sung sorcerer like as like as a as like a as like a slur like get out of my They sorcerer. Fucking sorcerer. That's my trade.

I'm really good at it. Watch we turn it to, watch we turn it to Kenny Rogers again. Look, I'm a mystical magician. What else would you call me? I just stole that guy's fucking soul.

Yeah. I guess that is kind of like, maybe there's like a race angle to this. Yeah. Because you'd call a white guy a wizard, wouldn't you? Yeah. Usually.

If you call a Raiden's not a wizard. Well, the thing is in the game, he's a goddamn sorcerer. in the movie he's a wizard because he's a white guy isn't the both though like he's a he's supposed to be like the god of lightning he's like a god of thunder or whatever

one of the thunder or lightning weather in general so yeah lu can goes back to his his cool ass shell and lifestyle and they're like get out of here you pussy the order of light by the way order of light we didn't we didn't think too much about that

you smell like Dorita chips asshole you come with me how do you know what that smells like Oh, I know. I've lived a life. I, too, had the monk version of Rumspringer. Yeah, where everyone goes and eats Doritos. You just go off the monastery town line.

There's a vendor, and he's selling all the varieties of Doritos, and you get to pick a bag, you eat it, and if you really like it, and you want Doritos to stay in your life, you leave the monastery for good. If you're disgusted by Doritos, you go back onto the property. Monk Rumspringer. The Temptation of the Pointy Chips is what that ritual is called. Yeah, you got to dignify it just a little bit.

And, you know, Raiden shows up and, like, Lou Kang's like, Raden's not white. And he's like, knowing this one I am. See, the thing is, no one cared. So I'm just white. He also hilariously calls him like a hobo or like a beggar or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then Lambert, in the only bit of physical action he does in this movie,

like does like a cross-arm front flip and tosses him, a hip-toss. I feel like Lambert could fight a little bit. I mean, he's probably a phony because I don't think he's actually an immortal that cuts people heads off. No. But I think that, like, he's a dude that can get into some shit. Well, he's done fighting movies, hasn't he? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Highlander, for Christ's sake.

Yeah, you're fighting all up and down that runtime. Yeah, with the fucking Claymore. you're doing like sword play and stuff well it's like as you know Raiden just shoots lightning he doesn't use a sword Is he always talking like Peter Laurie or is that just this movie? No that's just his voice yeah he's got that he's got

a weird thing going on because he's he was born here but he was raised in like Switzerland and I guess lived in France I don't know yeah he's kind of he has life is great though huh why is he laughing that's here's what's obnoxious they make

Lord Raiden They make the Lord Raiden character in this movie have the same personality as Splinter in the Ninja Turtles movies. Yes, exactly. He's just like making all these jokes and shit and he's one fart away

from being the splinter puppet. It's just like, oh yeah, you're not going to like this. I'm the god of thunder. That's why I can crack wind. It's an ancient wind. Mystic Wind. So they...

My farts give you powers. They break down what the thing is, which apparently is the only way Shao Khan can invade Earth and take this realm as his own is to win 10 straight karate tour competitions. That's it. Ten straight mortal combats. If he goes nine and one, he doesn't get to come in. Yeah, you got to start over. And this is the 10th one. This is when the stakes are high.

You know, Shane Sung is our. decimated Cobra Chi in the first one. Also, Mortal Kombat happens once in a generation, we're told. It's like 150 years this guy is, like, what are we doing? You really just want to take over that next world. So I guess he's pretty old. Well, I get the feeling it's supposed to be like demons slash gods or something. Right, because there's a line in here that mentions that Princess Cantana is over 10,000 years old.

Oh, right, yeah. She's old Zabraxas. No. That's how long I've been on the force, buddy. That's how long I've been a finder. I'm older than that princess katana. I'm her godfather. She's just a pup compared to me.

It's so ridiculous. But so, like, that's the story. We meet on a creepy boat. Oh, yeah. It's a dragon boat. It's a dragon boat. They just got to. done filming an episode of Scooby-Doo

right before it. Well, I mean they said the fight would be in the Orient, so I guess it's the dragon boat. Yeah. It's like the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Like, just like all these creeks. Christopher Lambert

chases you around in a circle on the boat. Christopher Lambert might as well be animatronic. You know what I read about him today? Please. Christopher Lambert. Yeah, that he's got myopia, so, like, he can't, like, see well at all. Really? He needs glasses, and he physically, like, I guess, can't wear contacts.

So whatever he does stunts in movies, he injures himself. I'm like Mr. McGoole. I auditioned for the role that went to Leslie Nielsen. I could have got it, you know. That would have been great. I would love that. And Christopher Lambert as Mr. Magoo. I can't see anything

Every Every time they do a fighting scene All like the grips Are wearing like football helmets He's just gonna punch you in the face Oh I made a funny I'm going to get you Shao Khan No it's not

Oh fuck No it's me Gary I don't care Shaqan I know you can take many different forms Ha ha ha ha ha Oh man Can we just

just really quickly This is the Christopher Lambert voice and hopeful laughter Yes To justify any of this creepyness It's fantastic Shit I love him

So Sonia is About a hair away From getting raped This entire movie Pretty much Like at every turn It's a real It's a real dude

Dominated Mortal Kombat Shagg Sung's like Oh my princess my beautiful princess come come you you can join me in my chamber later and she's like no what is the explanation as to why shang soon wants sonia in mortal combat there's there's some kind of reference to something about her being a special something or other well doesn't raiding want her in no shang sung wants her because at the end of the movie spoiler alert it's he wants somebody to fight and to know he's going to beat and for some reason

because she's a woman she cannot everyone like knows like it's a math problem that there's no way that this person could be Changs on but that that reasoning though like if that's the reason it doesn't make any sense for what he sets out to do because first he has to hire Cano

who he knows is being tracked by Sonia for some odd reason to lure Sonia onto this boat into the outworld pray that she doesn't get murdered somewhere along the way in mortal combat and then fight her and win.

Man, what a blow to his ego if he knew that he was just Sonia Bate. He thought he was, you know. Oh, I thought you brought me on this dragon boat so I could be a good fighter in Mortal Kombat. Well, no, he knows that. He's like, oh, I can't wait to get me payment. What, Outworld de Bloons?

Like what? You cannot cash those anywhere in this town. Can't wait for my chest of magic to show up. oh shang sung told me it'd give me a bunch of cells of british people i love it i'm getting paid in souls think of the treasure yeah jonesy the treasure he is kind of that character oh absolutely he's going to give me a new eye i'll get me eye back get get my rule this rule but eye out give it back give it back to give back to sammy davis jr's I stalled because I was trying to think of what those goddamn robots were called again.

Syrex. The Sector. Yes. Give it back to Peter Falk. Oh, man. Peter Falk with a Knoi. Signed me. Hey, excuse me, Sona.

Don't you want to get on this dragon boat with me? Hey, how do I bet on Mortal Kombat? What's the action on a black idea? Give me $200 on a. him. You know, actually that scratch that. Give me the forearm guy there. You believe this, by the way.

We're sitting around fighting to the death with all these people. I can't even smoke in here. I got to go outside. This guy's getting his face broken into a rock. You know, this mortal combat's a great, real great way to spend a time. I'm just waiting for a boat transfer to Hong Kong. You had the hotel. You know, I got the hotel to resort package.

And, you know, you get extra. You get these tickets every day to Mortal Kombat. You know, I figure, I'll just check it out. It's just a quick boat ride. It's fine. I'll go, I'll check it out. It's just Mortal Kombat. But if I know it, I'm going to get here, I can't smoke inside the arena.

I saw Joe Lewis fight 60 times. I smoked in every one of them. He just thinks he's going to an old-timey boxing event. I would love that Mortal Kombat has a no-smoking policy. It's very distracting for the fighters, and they are fighting for their lives. the ring only as in charred corpses so everybody's running onto the boat sonia runs onto the boat and then jacks like tries to go after her and then this what's this dude's name lanny art art yeah and then art like art may as well run in front of jacks and be like sorry jacks one black guy at a time and jacks who is

a known mortal combat character is done in the movie that's the last you see of him he'll get the next dragon boat for the next he is in the second movie. Does he have the robot arms? I've never seen the second one. I almost walked out of it. It's that bad. I didn't think it got a theatrical release. Oh, it did. Yeah. And he does, he doesn't start

with the robot arms, but he gets them at a certain point. He gets William Strikert, huh? Everybody's just getting turned into robots in Mortal Kombat. Yeah, that'll happen. Turn into robots, turned into Italian dudes. That's what happens if you get drunk on the wrong dragon boat.

Wicked up a robot Careful around here You fall asleep too drunk You're gonna wake up a robot That's how he got his cano eye Ah fuck You know I I was good with the glass one

How I It doesn't even shoot any lasers or nothing I just got red coming true now And it probably Cassivetti's hate science fiction He's never gonna hire me again Thanks for put me out of work robot I'd like to see Peter Falk

Sitting in makeup To do Columbo Like covering that up This is getting to be a little not worth it If you know what I'm saying Got to wear a contact on my fake eye Ah How much blind as Christopher Lambert over here?

I mean like The funny thing about this thing is like They never Sheng Song's it's not like Enter the Dragon where it's like Here are your rooms You know this is your room on the boat This is what you're the clothes

They're just like I guess they just sleep on the fucking dead It's like you're going to Ellis Island in 1860. Like that's what we're dealing with here. You're all just crammed on this boat like rats. And in the meantime, Raiden finds all the white people or non-intimidating Asian guy to get them together in a little circle. And he's like, okay. So now that we're all here, I'm going to tell you, this is mortal combat.

And Art's like, hey, what are you guys talking about? Don't worry. Don't worry. Art, you'll be quiet. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later, Art. I have to talk to everybody else first. The God of Thunder and Exposition.

I mean, I feel like it's probably important if I hear it to. No, Art, it's not important. You know, Art, you kind of look like Tim Hardaway a little bit. Yeah, he does. So he explains what's going on, and he's like, you guys got to defeat Shang soon, you know, or else. Earth's fucked. The Earth realm is fucked. Right.

So you better win Mortal Kombat. We'll take over, yeah. We had a really bad streak in the Mortal Kombat's. Nine losses in a row. He's worse than the Buffalo Bills. We are the Buffalo Bills of Mortal Kombat.

Your Christopher Lambert is getting dangerously close to triumph the insult comic talk. It's great. Don't course correct But I'm just letting you know what's happening I'm okay with it For me to poop on

I mean The good thing is you're like Oh man The movies is taking too long To get to Outworld How are they got to go through this whole movie Don't worry It's just fight scenes after

We get to Outworld And it looks a lot like No we're not at Outworld Yeah We're at this like kind of hub because we don't go to Outworld until the last bit. Yeah, yeah. It's just like this way station.

Oh, right. That's where Peter Falk was catching his boat. Well, like, because Christopher Lambert, oh, no, this is great because it's a hilarious bit of ridiculous editing in this movie. Also, I have a note, what is with Raiden's laugh? But so they're on the boat. And right when he finishes his little instruction guide to how you're going to play the game, he goes, oh, it has begun.

And then, like, he looks up. These clouds are coming over, and I think it's the shape of a skull or something. And the boat goes through it, right? Or it's about to go through it. And then that's the last thing you hear. And we cut to Shang Soon, and he just goes, it has begun. And I was like, I fucking know. Raiden just told me, you idiot.

I like the idea of, like, being in your hotel. And you know, there's that, like, Channel 3 is always the informational channel. It's just Raiden. Like, so the things to do on Mortal Kombat are, please take it. take advantage of our commissary every morning there's all you can eat breakfast buffet from 6 a.m to 12 noon oh welcome to goros putt potkow if you would like to rent a boat from jacks's motor boats you must fill out all insurance forms a day in advance themed resort.

Oh, a little hungry after dinner? Here's something to cool your appetite. Sub-Zero's ice cream. Delicious

blueberry flayfors. And top-notch laser ice surgery. I don't know where, wherever they get the robot eyes. In the mood for a midnight snack, why not come down to Scorpion's fire grill? It'll make you be saying, get over here. Be sure.

I can't. Looking for something. Looking for something fun to do with the whole family. Check out Reptiles Reptile House With all of his brothers and sisters So we should start talking about Goro a little bit Because this is when he shows up Oh right, he's at the dinner scene with Kano, right?

Yeah, he and Kano have their own all-eat-eat-a-eat buffet Well, what is the deal? This is a puppet that I'm looking at? This is a Ninja Turtle with four arms So it's an animatronic thing It's a puppet with a person inside of it I have no idea I think it's a little bit of both

I think it's like Like a seven foot tall clay statue That they stop Stop motion It's it's Dergolam Yes Sang Tung writes a little thing on a piece of paper If he wants Goro to fight

And slips it into Goro's mouth Sang Tung is using Jewish mysticism He truly is a world-traveled sorcerer Ha ha. Oh, God, I'm sorry. Now, because, listen,

Goro looks really bad in this movie. He does. And I was sober as a judge watching it. There's several notes where I'm just like, what am I looking at? Is it a puppet? Is it a bad computer? Because there's lots of bad CGI in this movie.

Speaking of reptiles, That shit's terrible. That looks like you're watching like real life and then a character from Mario Kart 64 comes on the screen. Wrong. That would have been better. Yoshi would have made this thing work. They just had Yoshi play reptile.

Sign me up because 1995. They have that record scratch sound track. Every kind of he comes out. Yeah, because the movie has to stop dead because it's like, what am I fucking looking at? Exactly. Why can't you? I know that Yoshi puppet was somewhere. Right? Because this came out after Mario Brothers, didn't it? I think it did, yeah. Unless the Yoshi puppet was already in the Smithsonian. I mean, that may have happened. They were prepping it for the sequel. But this thing looks like dog shit. It really does. There are a couple times in this movie where you're like, okay, like these special effects aren't terrible. They're kind of like proto spawn special effects. There's a lot of bad mat paintings in this movie. Oh, yeah. Forget about it. This is like mat painting the motion picture.

Not since Citizen Kane have Matt painting's been used this much. You know what? I kind of like it. It's kind of got a charm to it. It does. Unfortunately, a screensaver shows up every so often called Reptile. It's so distractingly terrible. Like there's a scene where Luke Kang's got to strangle it.

And it's just this poor actor strangling nothing. And it's just, it's the absolute worst special effects 1995 ever saw. Like this is two years after Jurassic Park. Come on, you guys. Rent a Raptor. Don't be alarmed if your room key doesn't open your hotel door. Because it's just a matte painting. It's a matte painting of a bunch of hotel doors.

Hey guys, looking to get away from the wife for a while, then come to our spa and get a full body massage from Kitama. Or Goro. It depends on what you like. I mean, so, I mean, Goro is, in the video game, he was always the, you could, not a playable character. No. He was always the second before you fought Shang Song, was always infinitely harder than Shang Song, like where Shanksong was like a cherry on top. I was like, oh, this guy's really easy.

Well, it's kind of like nowadays when like penultimate episodes of television shows are better than the finale. Yeah, that's what it was like in Mortal Kombat. Side question, just real quick, because speaking of Shang soon, like when you fought him in that game, I'm thinking about Shang-soon in the first one. How did Shang-soon go from Shang-soon in the first one to Shang-soon in the second one where he looks like a Japanese fisherman? Like he had like a Joe Pesci and Home Alone hat on. And just like that little yellow and black outfit with like the overalls. I kind of like that outfit.

You know, I think it's because he got demoted. Because people succeeded at Mortal Kombat, the first video game, I guess, that storyline. ends. And then in the second one, I think then we get Shao Khan, which is the emperor, like the, like, oh, I'm actually above it's just shredder with a bone helmet. And then you have that lame sauce Kintaro in the second one, who's like Goro, but a tiger for some reason. Oh, really? I kind of forget. Oh, wasn't he the horse? Or that was Motaro? That was Motaro. That was Motaro. He's in the

third one. Jesus. They really just kind of ran in circles. It's just like, we need something with four arms, or four legs. I just love like the start of Mortal Kombat too like Shang Soon shows up to end of the tournament

and Raiden's just standing there and he's like oh look who just came crawling back to Mortal Kombat Incorporated Want to get away

do some horseback riding on the beach check out Motaro's rides that's not even Raiden anymore I don't give me shit it's great

there you go it's back I don't know he's not a puppet he's not he's like a Muppet I guess kind of it's like the most evil Muppet that ever existed and he's got like this really commanding weird

voice that doesn't match up with the character at all but you know what it reminded me of speaking with the Ninja Turtles you remember in that second Ninja Turtles motion picture where there's Toka and Razar which one was the turtle was that I couldn't tell you I think Razor was the wolf

okay well whichever the one that the turtle is, you know, that's kind of the same face that Goro has in this movie. It might have been the same, like, Stan Winston Workshop. I don't know what's going on with this thing. But so we're all having a big feast. And this is, again, like Enter the Dragon. Also, like, Jim Cata quite a bit. We're having a feast with the enemy before we start the tournament the next day.

But there's no King Lloyd Kaufman this time, though. But usually in Enter the Dragon and Jim Cata, they have the good grace for you to finish your meal, but not here. No, sir. shang sung's just like it's like fuck you fresh but dinner's over all these like be hooded dudes who are like shang sung's posse who kind of don't make a lot of sense in this movie because we're all about mortal con but we have to win the tournament the tournament has this whole system of baroque rules but these hooded gentlemen are just trying to kill everybody 24 seven i don't get it i don't get it either they all look by the way like they just crawled down from the tower of london like they all just got done executing someone with a fucking guillotine. And this is... Sounds juicy. It's kind of great.

They flip all the tables over and he's like, I'll show you what real mortal combat is. And then Sub-Zero and Scorpion come out. They look... I mean, like, it's kind of hard to fuck up Sub-Zero and Scorpion, but they do sort of with this fucking, with... I don't even know what, like this mystery

science theater, Scorpion spear that comes out. Gypsy, the fucking robot comes out. Why does it have to have a mouth and scream? No. Like, why is it a little animal? It's like a fucking alien chest bursting thing. It's a frugal, practically.

I think George Lucas saw this movie and then was like, you know, I could go back and I could make the Sarlack pit have a little, little, little fun little monster like that. Like, I just gobble up Boba fat. Why have a pit when, you know, this guy's arm was a pit, and now, and now it became a little. a little Shalak, a little Muppet. It's fun. Hey, Steven, you think I could put Subalba in that pit? I wouldn't want to do that to Subpova. That's a dangerous place to put Subalba.

So then they just have like this little demonstration. Sub-Zero like fights this dude. Which is really unfair because this guy's like, oh, I'm so good at karate. But dude, Sub-Zero's got superpowers. That's what, you know, it's so unfair. It is. This dude's not getting out of this. And this is an instance where the computer effects for 1995 are not that bad.

Yeah. Sub Zero throws a little ice ball out, freezes this guy in mid-jump, and the dude shatters. His fucking frozen head, like, falls at Shang Sun's feet. And Shangsoon's like, well, good night. And they're just like, wow, this is pretty intense, huh? I told you it would be difficult. And so also we should mention that Lu Kang, the only reason he has entered himself in the tournament, he wasn't invited he just kind of tagged along because he's he's out to avenge his brother's death

because shang soon killed his brother yeah so he's like now we got to do like well now the chosen one also a lot in this movie lukang is the chosen oh yeah you're right you're right you're right and but now like now that the demonstration and the feast is over for the evening it's like well i'm gonna chase down that shang soon and give him what's for yeah and raid's like but there's a movie the weird the weird thing is about mortal mortal it starts the next day Lu Kang fights another black guy and I say this because at a certain point

it's black guy zip death two you know because the first guy to die in this movie well not the first guy to die is black guy but like the first like character is that art character and he definitely oh he gets a super death he gets a super death this guy he fights Lu Kang

Lukang beats him and then you know like obviously because we're really taking everything from the game Changsung's like finish him and like Nothing happens. And he just kind of steals this dude's soul. He just takes the soul. You know, here's a problem I had with, like, some of the turns of phrase that Mortal Kombat invented over the years.

When in the Mortal Kombat game, if you can recall, when is the time in which you get a flawless victory? It's when you fight somebody and don't get hit once. Correct. No damage. Yeah. They totally misappropriate that to just, you. beat him and it's a flawless victory. Everybody in this movie gets flawless victories, but everyone's getting their ass kicked equally until one person just

slips up and dies. That's a bunch of bullshit. And it's just like Shang Soon's throwing around flawless victory left and right. You might as well be saying babality. Nothing makes sense anymore. That's this world's gone mad. Is this some type of outworlds? Where, you know, instead of in like it normally is. things are out yeah i'm normally in the world but now it's like i'm out world everybody's just taking it out in this world yeah and i mean you know like there's no brackets in this tournament which i i really like it made sense in the game where it was like i'm this guy and i fight all

these people and then i fight shang sung and this is just kind of like i don't know you're going to be on this island you're probably going to die either my henchmen are going to kill you or you're going to get into a bunch of arbitrary fights that kind of don't bleed anywhere which is where we are in this movie the Scorpion fight's pretty fun Johnny Cage v. Scorpion? Yeah. Well, because that's, I mean,

now we're just in the part of the movie where we're just going through levels. Yeah. Right? So it's like Lou Kang just kind of murders that the dude with the dreads. That's like sort of the first fight.

And Sonia versus Cano. Sonya versus Cano. So they're setting up like this whole, the whole crux of this movie is like Sonia chasing him to literally the ends of the earth and whatever day to capture him and bring him back they have a fight that lasts under three minutes she gets threatened to be raped four times in this fight yeah and then it's unsettling it is it's really bad and then she just murders him though and you're like all right

she snaps his neck yeah yeah give me a break to gladly and breaks his neck it's very and we cut immediately we by the way we haven't mentioned i don't think that uh that uh that uh sonia is played by Miss Veronica Vaughn. Oh, yeah, you're totally right. This was the movie she was one piece of ace. You know, a guy I know and her got it on. No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

Well, imagine what it would be like if they did, though, right? This is the movie she did right after that. That was, it was immediately after. she married Pete Sampras at a certain point because I was looking up like trivia on her and it was like, I think her name is Bridget Something. Yeah. And it was like Bridget Something slash

Sampris. I was like, wow. It could just be any other Sampress. There's no other Sampress. It's the Pete Zampras. No, that's it. It's the Miss Veronica Fawn and Pete Samperse. Looking to take a few tennis strokes in.

Go learn from Pete Sambris and Sonia played. By the way, Now, Andrew, I don't know if you know this. I just found this out this afternoon. This might blow your mind now. I'm ready. We're about to talk about the Scorpion fight.

Yeah. The dude who played Scorpion. Yeah. Did mocap for Dex the dog tactive in food fight. Stop. It's on his outdated website. It's insane. Oh, my God.

Who knew they had mocap in that thing? I was just going to say it's more shocking to me. Not that this actor was a part of it, but that they bothered to do mocap. Do you think there was mocap on the original? original movie they got stolen in that laptop i bet yeah and then they just that so we never got to see scorpion's graceful portrayal as the body of dex the dog detective i imagine that's insane yeah who knew this guy'd still be working new new listeners for maximum enjoyment check at our episode on food fight absolutely uh well i guess though i was i was making fun of that guy working

but like that's the great thing about being these kind of like sort of nobody stunt guy you're just doing everything. I was reading that I don't know if it was in this movie or the other one, the annihilation, where like they were kind of short on stuntmen. So like stuntmen were playing multiple characters. How tired do you think some of these guys

were getting? There's got to be some union shit involved in that. I mean, you're just working every day. So some OT maybe? Yeah. You better be making something. A little bank right there. You got to play four different ninjas. All the ninjas. So yeah, the Scorpion.

in a fight with Johnny Cage. They fight a little bit in the jungle and then they go to hell for no reason. This is what's weird. It's outworld. Yeah. That's, you know, that's just another, you know, it's down the street. But it's so weird, though, because we have, like,

the sanctioned fights within mortal combat. And this is what I was saying to you earlier today, Steve. There's times and places for brackets, mainly college basketball and death tournaments. Yes. Because you have the sanction fighting that's going on, and it's like, Luke Kang fights sub-zero at one. point, like, that's a sanctioned fight.

The Sonia Kano fight sanctioned. Lou Kang, an anonymous guy, sanctioned. Yeah. Art and whomever sanctioned. But then after one sanctioned fight, we cut to Johnny Cage, who's just taken a stroll in the jungle. And then Scorpion just comes out of nowhere, and he's like, hey, get over here. And they just start fighting. And I'm like, wait, so is this part of Mortal Kombat?

If Johnny Cage wins, does he advance in the tournament? this movie has like I guess I guess this falls under this rule because Seng Sung invokes it later where you can just challenge someone and then the fight begins and then you have to fight them

and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah And if you die in the game you die for real Exactly You're goddamn right You die at Outworlds you die for real They go to hell and it's great because like Johnny Cage is never too surprised That Scorpion is like the devil

No one is surprised by any of the magic in this movie All the human beings look at shit And they're like, that's kind of strange Scorpion rips his face off And he's a skeleton And Johnny Cage instinctually Grabs the shield because he knows the skeleton Is about to breathe fire

He's just like, I like to look at that skeleton's eye. It's outrageous. And they're fighting in the set that looks like Leatherface is wet dream Because there's just bone furniture everywhere And bone lighting fixtures I mean most of this stuff is rejected Iron Maiden

concept art. Like, like, just every skulls everywhere, scary skeletons. Yeah, this is like if Charles Manson was allowed to be on the outside. This is what the world would look like.

This is where he'd live. Yes, exactly. So now the shield he grabs, of course, because it's outworld, it's got to have crazy jagged razor edges. So he slashes at Scorpion

and then, of course, he just bleeds fire. Well, as, as someone named Scorpion with a skeleton face would do. And again, Johnny Cage is like, oh, shit, I know the skeleton that's bleeding fire is about to explode. So I better get out of here. There's a real, it's going to blow moment.

And then this puppet just explodes. It's really stupid. And then like all the, you know, the burning flesh falls down there. And this is great because then just a little autograph floats down on top of it. And it's a picture of Johnny Cage and sunglasses to my greatest fan. That's his. friendship move. That's great.

That's what he was doing as a friendship. I think I think Scorpion had a finishing move where he rips his face off and it's a skull and he burns you with five. Yeah, yeah. That just came back to me, man. Yeah, that was his finishing move. That shit never goes away. I think he had another one with the harpoon where he

like made you explode. Right. Yeah, like he uppercuts you and then you go down to the pant maybe. Well, that was if you, that was if you just did that code on that level anyone could do the uppercut into the pit. The problem with the fatalities as those games went on, like I feel like

you got three seconds for a fatality. Once we're like, it's like, I'm going to get this car and then I'm going to fucking drive to this store. I'll pick up all these hammers. I'm going to come back. I'm going to fatality. You real bad, man. A lot of those fatalities never made any sense because it was like a cartoon character. He pulls a giant

mallet out of nowhere or what have you. Did you, let me ask you guys this. Did you guys have the kid in your school that was like ultra obsessed with mortal combat? Yeah. Like ultra, ultra, ultra, ultra obsessed with mortal combat to the point where you were pretty sure he was making up stuff that wasn't in the game. People love to make up fatalities for this game. What really?

Report them back. You know, honestly, I don't think we had that kid, but I want to hear about these faux fatalities. Do you have one? Because I've got a really weird one. So there was a dude. obsessed with mortal combat, okay? It happened. I know.

It really, really happened, right? And so it was, Mortal Kombat 2 had been out, or it had just come out or some such nonsense. I was in, no, it had been out for a while, I think,

regardless. I was in, like, the fifth grade, this kid comes into the lunchroom, right? And he's like, hey man,

just got my new code book. Because that was the other thing, right? You bought all these, the walk-through books. Sure. codes and everything and he's like found this new code out

for Mortal Kombat too and everyone's like oh really like what's the thing it's something you can only do with Raiden it's a nudality and we're like what yeah you can only do it if you have the Christopher Lambert code

and as he explained what he thought a nudality was it was you get the dude ready for finish him you do the code for nudality yeah and radin drops his drawers and then just puts his hand up and lightning strikes and you can see his dick and i was like why would you want to do that why would they put that in the video game and like nobody believed him he was like no guys it's yours you can see radin's dick and guess what little dick radin i was like what

why would you make up that you're seeing this video game character's penis It was so odd. But how does he... How does that kill the other person? Does he come lightning? No, the time runs out and he just falls over and it's nudality. But this kid swore up and down. And we were like, that guy's delusional.

We hate movies mailbag if you ever did a nudality in real life or otherwise. I beat this guy so, so much. He was about to die. And then I took my clothes off. And I watched him follow It showed it my little dick Lightning came out of my little dick It was just

And it was the biggest letdown Because anytime someone came in that was like I did this like new fatality I got this one to work Yeah And so we were so excited It was just like Wait what you're saying you saw this

Cartoon's cock Why would you I was riding a bus somewhere right now Telling somebody that same story right now Hey man you know that Mortal Kombat game? What? I saw Radin's little dick. Saw his dick. You want to see my dick?

Yeah. Yeah. Then he kills the drifter. Dude, I saw that guy's dick in like 1993. It was great. So yeah, that's my weird fatality stories. Now, Steve, you have one, right? No, I don't really. I mean, people would make up stories about like other

games and it was just always a really sad situation. Like, somebody said that there was a code for N64 Shadow of the Empire that had a fucking a lightsaber in it and I'm like oh fuck and I was like give me that code he's like I'll bring it in tomorrow and I'm like okay bring it in tomorrow

I'll bring it in the next day and like of course the internet didn't exist or not in such a way where I could like Google something and say hey it's this bullshit yeah he fucking really strung me along for a long time what a fucking prick I'm still waiting for that code hey man still waiting for that code if you have the code

please email the mailbag I mean, at this point, Art gets murdered by Goro, which is hilarious. What I love about this fight scene is here's this guy, Art. You know, Mortal Kombat's art. Before every fight that everyone has, Raiden's like, okay, this is how you win. You have to fight his legs. And Art's like, hey, Raiden, you got anything for me fighting Goro? And he's like, I'll bring the code in tomorrow.

Is that what you're going to do? worry i'll come in tomorrow with the code i have the cheat code to beat goro so inevitably when art is murdered by this puppet okay it's just this dude who's on this boat nobody knows who he is but all of a sudden magically all of our main characters sonia johnny and lu kang are all screaming for art no and i'm like why do you fucking care he's a complete stranger you've watched four other complete strangers drop dead in this tournament. But for some reason art is just

making you cry out. Secondarily, there's these two guys, these two featured extras that are like Goro's fan club. Yeah, he's got a couple of groupies. Which doesn't make sense because they're humans clearly there in Mortal Kombat. You're going to fight Goro eventually,

dude, and he's going to rip your fucking throat out. Well, I think it's a thing like in the Hunger Games when they're like, oh, we'll like partner up, you know, make like a strong alliance and then when everybody else is done okay then we'll fight each other it's like dude just get on goro's good side right we'll be team goro and then when it

comes down to it we'll all kill him it's like once goro's exhausted from murdering everyone we might have a shot well the problem with goro and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in this movie because he's such a bad puppet like he's a prince he's

he's a prince he's royalty everybody but he's so slow and like you could probably if you you were good at karate, you could beat the shit out of Goro. Like, you know what I mean? And his bottom arms barely work. You know what I mean? Like, it's just not, it was kind of like the jaws shark. They just never had it working perfectly. The Goro puppet. Side kind of, uh, immature question. He's got two sets of arms. Does he have two penises? No, why would he have two penises? Why not?

You should have asked if he had another set of legs somewhere, maybe, but. Well, I know that he doesn't because I got two penises. can see his legs. I don't, there's no nudality for Goro. No, no, not, I don't think any animal ever has two sets of genital of male genitalia for no reason. A monster has four arms for no reason. Okay. A monster then could possibly have two penises for no reason. Why would he have four at that point? Because you only have one. You have two arms. So that's four arms. You have one penis. It's two penises. By the way, there was a dude I saw in the news that had two Cox and both of them worked.

Oh, yeah, you're going to bring the code in tomorrow? No, but I will be able to Google and find you that story. Oh, God, that's... It was horrendous. Nudality. I'll show you tomorrow. Well, you know, this was filmed in Thailand. You never know.

I'm just saying you never know. You know, honestly, you're right. We never get to, we never get a peek under his leather skirt. So he might have a vagina. He might. Maybe he's hermaphrodite. It's entirely possible. That could be true, too.

Johnny Cage is so incensed that Art was killed that he decides to challenge Goro himself. Yeah. And this is a silly scene. I mean, he just punches Goro and the balls. So we know he's got something down there. Which is a classic move. Yep. If you guys know the code.

Right. Well, because he had his ball punch, right? He did the split and the ball punch. But he doesn't do the split. Like, he just like kind of leans over. over and he's like er and punches i think he splits i did not see that dude split it's a i think it's at least a half a split well because they showcased his one thing like because he had johnny cage had some dumb ass moves in the game like he had the thing it was like the shadow punch and the shadow

kick yeah and he does a little bit of that when he fights with scorpion they're very picky and choosy about what powers the humans display in the movie which doesn't make a whole lot of sense like i mean at the end lu keg does a fireball which is not built up whatsoever it's like he has to learn how to do it or like you know sonia doesn't throw out like the pink rings or anything like that that never happens no well she's too busy getting uh almost raped and definitely kidnapped in this movie yes she kind of just turns into fay ray at the end of this movie olive oil like no save me which is ridiculous yeah because she's like she's kicking ass in the beginning she fucking killed cano i saw it i saw it with my own two eyes i saw it don't tell me it didn't happen i saw it happen

Nero, Star Trek, 2009. Thanks for the bibliography on that joke. Well, no one's going to understand it. So Goro gets punched in the nads. We don't know how many penises he has or how many testicles are ruptured by this punch. But two or six. I was going to say, if it's two penises, it's possible it's four testicles. Sure.

That makes perfect sense. It all makes sense. And I mean, it is a comically long, like, Oh my nerds My outworld nerds He's just going on About getting punched in the ball Do you think that there is at least one

Like work print of this That has the Baj a sound effect? Yes I do That definitely exists It's not against Paul WS Anderson It's like There should have been little tweety birds And stars around the head

Let me see it with and without And I'll decide afterwards Because I think I might want it I think I might want to keep it. And then, you know, they fight in a cliff and Goro falls down and he dies. Hooray. Yeah, that's really it. That's the wrap on Goro, everybody.

Thank God, because that puppet is terrible. Yeah, they just did not have the budget to keep that thing going. And that's like, you know what? You leave him out of the movie. And then at this point, Sonia gets kidnapped. Yeah. Because the thing is Shang-sung's like, you know, again, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Like, when Johnny Cage is striking the deal to challenge Goro,

which doesn't make, you know what I mean? Like, it would just be... Just do it. Just do it. He has to go to Shang Song first. He's like, all right, I want to challenge Goro. He's like, all right, you're going to get killed. But in return, I get to do this, that.

Why is Johnny Cage, like, making deals? Just challenge him. It doesn't make, like, a lot of this shit. Like, no brackets. There's no brackets. Halfway through the movie, all of a sudden, Lou Kang may or may not be a chosen one. Yeah. Like, all of this shit is just kind of tossed in.

It's like a really bad salad. Like, it's a salad. that's so mixed and there's like like you made a big salad and there's way too much lettuce in the salad so all throughout the salad you're finding little bits of other things that you're like oh i didn't know this was supposed to be in the salad you had to have the big salad exactly and you know so olive oil gets kidnapped and she's just like i used to know karate but now i don't anymore now all of a sudden i can't fight you and you're pulling me by the hair for some reason i was uh a deadly weapon with my hands and feet not more than five minutes ago now I'm being dragged along like a cavewoman. It's a major fighter

character. Yep. And then Princess Katana settles up and it's like, hey, you know I'm in this movie too and you're like, what? Wait, what? Oh yeah, right. You. And then they go, they go to Outworld proper. Which for no reason Raiden can't go

in there. There's two instances in this movie where Raiden's not allowed in places. and I don't understand it. They go through this wormhole to go into the outworld and they're like, well, come on, Raiden. He's like,

no, I can't go with you. And they don't explain it. I'll tell you why, all those nudalities. I can't be 200 yards within outworld. But then the one that's more hilarious is at the kind of towards

the front of the picture when they're going into the dining hall to have their orientation dinner, the door closes in Raiden's face. The big rolling stone doors close And it's just raided on the outside, like, I'll see you at dessert. And, like, the door closes on it. Those fools are going to the dining hall.

I know the good cuts of meat are at Baraka's butchery. You know, it's actually a big bunch of bullshit that we never see a real Raiden fight. Yes. Like, he kind of like fights with Scorpion and Sub-Zero briefly at the start. But that's it. Most of that is him in the form of electricity just pushing them around. So it's not even Christopher Lambert fighting. Which is what you want.

You want that blind guy to just swipe wildly at things. And then Reptile shows up again. Oh, this is where he becomes human. Yeah, he goes into a statue. It's another kind of a golem situation. Did you know that Frank Welker did the voice of Reptile, among others? Yeah, that's weird. I mean, that guy, you can't keep him out of movies.

If you need to make a pig sound, it's like, you know, Frank Welker, do it for 50 bucks. That's a really... That's why you get Welker. Right there. You know, I'm going to see it for post. I can get Welker to put it in a pig noise when Steve just did that. You're right.

That's why you get Welker. So it's like Luke King like kicks this, this lawnmore man reject into like this mummified corpse. Yeah. And it like binds together. And then he turns into like. you know, like a ninja that sort of looks like Sub Zero or Scorpion, but it's just green.

And then there's just this voiceover. Just so you know, Reptile. It's so stupid. Like, we all get it. He got called Reptile at the beginning of the movie. We know what's going on. It looks like the Sobe logo. Yeah.

Remember Sobe? The sovay drinks? That's the kind of shit that Reptile looks like, you know? Well, this is when mom goes out to smoke cigarettes and start the car. Because just, you know what? It's not for me. You boys enjoy yourselves. It makes no sense.

Also, he never once spits acid as the ninja. He only spits acid at Lukang kind of earlier on in the film for two seconds. As the Sobe mascot. Like, oh yeah, remember that like coconut drink they had? Oh, the coconut drink spit on me. So they fight. And what's stupid about they fight is reptile knocks Lu Kang into this abandoned building. And he's with Johnny Cage.

Yeah. Johnny Cage doesn't pursue to help out his buddy. Well, Johnny Cage, for some reason, stops fighting after he fights Goro because, like, Luke Hang's a chosen one and Johnny Cage is like, all right, I guess if Sonia's kidnapped, I'm just going to be your white buddy that forgets how to do karate, too. In Johnny Cage's defense, he just killed a mythological monster. Yeah, he really did do his part. Yeah, I mean, that was a major baddie.

It was a major baddie. He just despatched. yeah I mean and Katana's like you want to go on that big house or like reptile not Raiden's like in in Outworld you'll find the guide in the most unusual one of places and they go to Outworld and Katow's like you know you want to go in that big house and end the movie and he's like oh yeah that's cool I guess Outworld in itself is quite the unusual place yeah so Raiden was being a little literal I guess I wonder what the rent is like I bet it's pretty good it's dirt cheap dude no that no it's gentrified

Man. They've got a bunch of little coffee shops. A barcade is opening up and Outworld. I can't believe it. Last month Outworld got its first Starbucks. Something tells me it won't be its last. I bet that would be like

a Shang Sung plot is to buy up this slum property and like keep that portal open for like dragon boats for everyone. And now you know, it cleans it up. Well as Katana explains like this like Outworld used to be a beautiful place

and then Shang-soon ruined it. Yeah. So all of his his goddamn policies. All of his liberal policies. Shanks soon, that filthy liberal. Yeah, they all went on welfare. All of the reptiles went on welfare.

And Shang-sung gave everyone universal health care. Now look at his war zone. Just look around. Thanks a lot. Not having to pay to go to the doctor. That we're all just doing Triumphane. I know. It's your fault. It's a slippery slope with these voices, Steve.

You know that. So we go into Sheng Sung's house. After Luke Kang does a bicycle kick, by the way. I don't want to forget that. He bicycle kicks reptiling kills. Almost all of the moves that they can show, they show, except for the really cool ones. Except for the ones you wanted to see in the movie.

And, like, for some reason, Sonia is dressed like she's in a fucking Arrowsmith video. Someone feathers her hair at some point I never understand when this happens to Kidnapped people in movies I mean it's only ladies yeah of course Like all of a sudden she's all done up But she's tight she's got her arms out

It's fucking Faye Ray I don't get it It's terrifying because it's like Sang-sung ties you up I'm gonna make you look pretty I'm gonna pretty you up I feel like this happened in another movie That we did an episode on

Because this is real WHM Dejavu right now It's just so stupid because like right before they go into Outworld, you know, the ridden's like, oh, no, he's kidnapping Sonia to challenge her and then win Mortal Kombat. And, you know, Luke Hang asks him point in black, like, can she beat Shang's like, no, what are you crazy? You know? Are you blind like me? She's a woman. And she, you know, ready to fight the whole world, the entire movie. and like shang song's like all right i'll stop treating you like a sex slave if you fight me and she's like

no i won't why just fucking fight him broke cano's neck he had a fucking robot eye totally you you definitely pull the zinia on the top on that dude and he's now that's one dead australian look what you did 30 minutes ago just do it again to that sorcerer and you know this is the final fight and it goes on It's, you know, and you would think, like, okay, in most movies where you have a kind of a strong subcast, which Johnny Cage and Sonia are, Kitana, not so much, they would get into their own fights. It may be like Scorpion comes back. We're fighting lower level, cut up and down. Right, right. They literally just stand around and watch Liu Kang fight Shang Song.

That's it. You're so right. And also, there are, like, the goons are still all over the place. Have them fight the goons. Yeah, like, Shang-sung summons some of the souls he've swallowed. Yeah. That include everything from a samurai warrior to, I don't know, just some dudes. Rex Reed shows up.

In a nice sweater. I hate this. I hate you so much, Lou Kang. I'm going to kick you. This is tripe. Get ready to get kicked. And so, yeah, like he fights these, like, ghosts first and beats them.

And he's like, can we please fucking fight now? And not even at that time. Just Johnny Cage or Princess Catana step in and help out. Well, she's just tied up and we're just not going to untire until the end of the movie. Princess Catana, where are your world famous fan blades? She doesn't have those. Yeah, you're totally right. Or how about a katana?

You know, an actual thing that you share a name with. Yeah. How about one of them? I think her family invented it. Yeah, and she's not dressed like Katana either. She's dressed like Lorenzo Llamis and Renegade throughout most of this movie, like a leather tank top and leather pants. I would love it if the end of this movie, she's like,

thanks for saving outworld, Lou Kang. And then she hops on a motorcycle and drives off into the desert. It would be amazing. A shitty guitar starts twanging. I wonder what Renegade's up to nowadays. Dude, he's traveling. Yeah, I bet. We should pitch a renegade.

reboot oh yeah yeah that that would be awesome yeah that would be awesome get cal drago from game of thrones yeah that dude would be awesome at that he that's he's on some sundance show right now currently doing sundance you think so since he's doing a show at sundance he won't do my u p.n show of renegade the reboot well you know i i think they're in between seasons on whatever that shows like the red road or something like that but uh yeah i don't know He would make an awesome renegade. That's some brilliant fucking casting, though, honestly. Let's do it.

Let's pitch renegade reboot. I'm totally up for it. Well, if you're listening, owners of the rights to renegade. How much do you want to bet Lorenzo Lomas has some stake in owning that character? Maybe Donald Sterling owns Renegade. It's just like all the properties. First, I've got to sell my fucking basketball team. I'm going to sell my fucking renegade right.

It was unbelievable. That fucking Magic Johnson's running me right out of town. You know what? You know what, baby? Don't bring your renegade friends around here anymore, okay? Stop bringing your renegade friends to my fucking games, all right? And another thing, I don't appreciate all them being in these mortal combats. No, no, no, no.

Jack stays at the dock. Stays at the dock. I get killed by Coral immediately. He could get on the boat because I hired him to stain my deck. But after that, he's getting killed by Goral. The fucking bullshit. And of all people who would have a deck in Outworld. Donald Sterling definitely has a mansion in Outworld.

That's where he's moving after the Clippers sell. He's fucking $4 billion in his gentrification plot with Shang-sung. Give me nothing about condos here. and for nice people not your Instagram buddies you know what the ones baby

here's your juice the weirdest part of that whole thing anyways so we're fighting Shang soon finally it's the best thing it always happens when a character who's known to be a morpher

like turns around and he's like He turns into Lou Kang's brother. And the first thing he says is my favorite line of the whole movie. He's like, oh, Lou, it's me, Chang. And he's like, oh, thank God, Chang, you're alive. And it's like, come on. He's like, hey, remember when our parents died?

Yes. And you promised you'd always take care of me? And he's like, uh-huh. You're talking a lot like my brother would talk right now. Yeah, he's like actually incanded into it. You just saw this older Asian man morph into this child. how are you confused he was looking at you and it was

Shang Sun looking at you and then he went I think he sounds a little bit like this and he turned around and he put his fist up to his face and waved his arms a little bit and then turned back around and he was your brother and you still fucking fell for

it you idiot chosen one it's so ridiculous and at least like Johnny Cage you're like hey Lou that's definitely not your brother I saw him When he turned around, I saw him morph. It's understandable.

You missed the morphing, but we saw it because we're down here doing nothing. Whatever, they fucking fight and he kills him. He finally does a fireball, like we said earlier. It doesn't come from anywhere. It's not like, Riden's like, once he learns the power of the fireball, he will finally learn how to destroy Shang-sung. There's none of it. He just does it. It looks terrible.

It's a really bad fireball because it's like close up. so it's not even a fireball shooting from across the room and then he knocks him down into the pit and of course it's Mortal Kombat we have to have a pit with spikes spikes come up from the floor zero blood

zero blood absolutely zero blood and then he has to fight Donald Sterling who is kind of like an E Honda-esque figure Donald Sterling loses the fight but somehow also gains two billion dollars I don't know how it works he does everything wrong

but he somehow walks away with two billion dollars isn't that the outworld for you god damn uh so then it's like it's over with they all come back and raden's like you did a great thing it's kind of like these happy children it's kind of the parade from the end of phantom menace a little bit like there's way too much fanfare for someone just winning mortal combat a secret contest in a dimension far away it's like i think like raiden was the last one to get on the boat and he's like no no i'll be with you in a minute And then he turns around, he's like, okay, kids, when we come back to the dock, if I'm giving a thumbs up, it means we won mortal combat.

You have all the ribbons and streamers ready for my thumbs up, okay? If you're all dead, that means we lost mortal combat. If four-armed monsters come and start ripping your spines from your bodies, chances are we've lost mortal combat. Then we definitely won't need all the streamers and fanfare. If you see Donald Sterling Instead of me Runs for your life And this movie

Had the audacity to do You're not going to believe this Everybody's celebrating And then all of a sudden The sky turns purpleish gray Which it does about eight times in this movie And a temple explodes A temple that looks like the leaning tower of Pisa

explodes and there's like an in the sky Shao Khan like you've done it now or whatever I'll get you next time gadgets yeah it's Frank Welker doing his Mr. Claw voice for no reason and Dr. Claw. Dr. Claw please he didn't go to Claw medical school and yeah and then they're just like oh okay and then you hear fight and they all do like a get ready to fight stance, moral combat theme song kicks back in, end of

movie. By the way, including Radin during the stance, like, oh, what, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If I come back for the sequel, I'll get to see Christopher Lambert fight. No, you'll see James Remar fight. Yeah, you sure will. Stay tuned for that sequel, FYI. Yeah, I gotta see it. I'm excited. I didn't know James Remar was in until last night. It's it's a big hunk of dog shit. That's fantastic news. What's not dog shit is the soundtrack. Don't buy the movie soundtrack, because that's got like a bunch of

stabbing westward on it. There's, I don't find a little stabbing westward. There's, I counted Are you shitting me? There's four stabbing westward songs. And speak in accounting. I'm buying this thing. They say Mortal combat seven times in this movie. That's an official count because Steve

started watching it before I did, and he texted me and said, if you haven't started watching it yet, count from the beginning how many times they say Mortal Kombat seven fucking time. You imagine someone you brando saying on the waterfront seven times it's ridiculous but we'll meet on the waterfront it's over there by the waterfront we're going to have that meeting down on the waterfront oh by my dragon boat would anyone recommend mortal

combat uh i would it's a strong recommend and the the the album by the immortals which features the Mortal Kombat techno song which they did and a bunch of other techno songs it's the most hilarious out it's the best comedy album take that Richard Pryor I've been on several road trips and it's changed the course of all of them by me putting it on there

but this movie's a lot of fun it's a really literal translation which I like personally it's exactly the video game it's in an hour and 30 minutes you know there's a 10 minute credit sequence which is kind of nuts. But I mean, yeah, you're out of there

under two hours. Yeah, you know what? I would recommend it as well. I actually was kind of surprised because, I mean, I saw this movie when it came out and I was like, eh, and then I saw it on TV like, you know, in the early aughts

or something, and I was not having it. Yeah. But I will gladly have it in 2014. Nice. So I will recommend it. I will recommend it, too. I think it falls into the nice category

of a hangover movie. because the fighting is like just tame enough. There's no explosions or gunfire, but you can still just sit there and be like, okay, now we're fighting this person and it's mildly entertaining. It keeps you going. That soundtrack is hilarious.

I know whoever wrote that Mortal Kombat theme song has made millions of dollars off of it and it's the funniest million dollars ever made. Take that Steve Martin. The Immortals. The band is the Immortals. Have they done anything else? No, I don't think.

Oh, that's fantastic. I think they're like some Swedish progress. something or other well honestly if you wrote that song the royalties from you don't have to write another song again in your life you open and close your show by playing mortal combat the song is it called just mortal combat theme or does it have a real sinister name to it wonder i don't know i guess we'll leave that for our follow-up episode on mortal combat annihilation someday oh that's a question does that song appear in the second one it has to right i mean i think it would have to right yeah I think there would be a revolt.

I mean, I remember having a lot of... Outworld, maybe. I was going to say, ain't it cool news message boards. Oh, boy. You know, that's like Outworld. It's the real dregs of every dimension. That's Mortal Kombat from 1995, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. By the way, you guys, I realize AVP 2004.

Just saying. Wow. You want more information? about the show, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast, right into the mailbag. If you've ever seen a nudality get successfully pulled off, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show in iTunes. We would greatly appreciate it. It increases the profile of our podcast all over the place. Wherever you get the show. It's not iTunes, wherever. Rate and review. We would greatly appreciate it. Pick up the app, bonus episodes on there, or on WHM podcast. bandcamp.com if you are anti-app, that's okay.

And if you're catching up, you know, the rest of the guys did a thing on Mad Men. So if you're finally up to date on Mad Men, listen to them talk about Mad Men. It's our thoughts, me, Steve and Chris, on the first half of the final season of Mad Men. Let's show

Mad Men. We're talking about all the madmen and mad women that are on there. And I'll be doing jokes at Cano's castaways down on the Bowery. It's a two-drink minimum. And you have to get an appetizer. Yeah, I know. It's bullshit.

I think so, too. I recommend the coconut shrimp. Blame it on outer space. Our sister show is running bi-weekly hosted by Eric Siska. Blame on on Outerspace.com at Blam Spacepad on Twitter. Facebook.com slash Blame it on Outer Space. Clue for next week's episode, which will be the third week of our summer blockbuster extravaganza.

Eric Siska. Hallie Berry. Oh, Halliberry, you guys. Do with that what you will. Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Students hit it. Eric Siska. Take it easy.

Mortal combat! XIntyre. XIV. XIV. XIV. A lot. FRIZ. FRIZ.

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