We Hate Movies - S4 Ep162: Swordfish

Episode Date: June 17, 2014

In this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza 2014 rolls on with the sexy cyber thriller, Swordfish! What is with that wretched Dog Day Afternoon monologue? Take a gander at Hugh Jackman's excellent frosted tips! And who would ever want to put up and hang out with John Travolta's character? PLUS: Halle Berry as Michael Jackson in 2016! Swordfish stars Hugh Jackman, John Travolta, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle, Sam Shepard, and Vinnie Jones; directed by Dominic Sena. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you are new to We Hate Movies, you are catching us in what is the third week of our summer blockbuster extravaganza. Hashtaget, SBE, 2014 is what we're doing now. Wow, this is the fourth year in a row we're doing summer blockbusters. And this week, we're talking about 2001 Swordfish, directed by Dominic Senna. Here we go again with fucking. and cyber thrillers. The director that will go on to make a film called Season of the Witch.

Yes. Nicholas Cage. I don't remember. I saw it in theaters. I couldn't tell you one thing about it other than him. Nick Cage and Ron Perlman maybe fight a witch. Maybe. I thought, yeah, they're like witch hunters. Yeah. Something, something. Who cares? They're like best buds. Best buds in witch hunting.

Yeah. I was going to try and date it, but I was like in witch hunting times. You know. there's castles yeah it looked medieval it was it was quite medieval downright medieval well this movie is not medieval the technology is yeah i mean again here we go just dating so are the haircuts man this prince valiant on frosted tips galore it's amazing Hugh Jackman's frosted tips in this movie man

it's weird because like he's supposed to play I would imagine this slubbish hacker But he's cut out of marble Because he's a Hugh Jackman And like They're always like oh man Look that guy wearing a t-shirt Like that's the only thing they can say

To make him look ugly I guess Yeah well he is wearing Kind of unflattering purple t-shirt For most of the movies So yeah they good job you got it But it's a t-shirt with like Some kind of great motto on it That I was like I kind of want that t-shirt

What's I didn't even read it I don't remember what it exactly is but like the gist of this t-shirt is like low and lazy and i was just like that's that's not bad it's a t-shirt that was very cool at the time which is like the sort of baseball style i've got i've got a one collar on the collar yeah and like a ribbed like short sleeves as well with the collar yep we're not doing that anymore you'll you can find those shirts at like disney world and it's like they're trying to make them cool it's like no I have one of those that I got like fairly recently and it was like an old Navy, like one of the cheap tea things.

Sure, sure, sure. They're definitely not in the abundance that they were, like in the early 2000. At the turn of the century, this is a turn of the century movie. And, you forget it. And everyone who was mortified by my Mortal Kombat story from last week, I got a weird one about this movie, too, that's coming down the road. So this is June 2001. We're a couple of months away

from a pretty big event. Steve's 19th birthday. Oh, congratulations. Oh, oh, wait, Eric, he's talking about 9-11. Oh, I am a Libra. I didn't know your birthday's on 9-11. No, I'm not a 9-11 area.

That's got to suck, right? Yeah, my parents are friends with a lady whose birthday is on 9-11 Really brought the room down. Yeah, yeah. But, and I only bring that up because this movie has a lot to do with terrorism and how we're going to fight terrorism.

And it's really kind of weird. It's weird. I mean, this is, I was texting both of you about this last night. I mean, this movie is, it is like the American hubris at its very height. Because everything about this movie is like, oh yeah, you want to be a fucking terrorist? Well, come get us because we're America.

Like, it's really uncomfortable to watch this movie post 9-11. Wait, do you think this got a theatrical release in Afghanistan? No. I do not. I don't think so. No, it's just real. The Kabul 5 multiplex. It's one of the things, this is a really weird salad because it's mostly cyber

thriller, which I'm fine with. Yeah. We're hacking things where, you know, Swiss bank accounts are used. We're using the word worm way too much. Yeah. You know, like... There's like a little porn chunk in your salad, too. There's a weird porn chunk in your salad.

Adreya DiMatejo chunk in my salad. Which I'm sorry, I'm putting on the plate next to me. Yeah. You know, like, that comes out and goes next to me. I'm like one of those neurotic food people, right? So if, like, a plate comes to me and it's got like multiple things on it, like, not my usual me just eating a hot. sandwich, but like, you know, if it's like a chicken breast and then there's like mashed potatoes

and greens, I have to eat one thing at a time. Oh, really? It's really fucking weird. Yeah, it freaks me out sometimes. But so this is what I'm thinking of. It's like when you're saying that about the food plate and it's like, oh my God, my fucking Drea de Mateo touched my baked potato. Fucking send it back. I'm going to eat John Travolta first. You would be full up if you ate John Travolta in this movie. Now, I will say this. There's a lot of things, a lot of things have been reported about John Travolta's sexuality. I don't know one way or another, but his character, Gabriel, is trying to suck you Jackman's dick in this entire movie.

Like, start to finish. I don't know anything about John Travolta personally. This character is trying to get it on, and it's really weird. I've just, and I've said, I mean, you're right, it is really weird. We will continue talking about that. But I have always said, it's going to be a happy day for me. When I find out that John Travolta has decided to live his life as a happy gay man. Sure.

That is some height. But, you know, honestly, you know, it's his preference. Like he, you know, like you shouldn't out someone before they want to come out or, or, and I'm not saying that he is necessarily definitely gay, but it's a possibility. You never know. I mean, I might be gay. I don't know. You never know. But it's got nothing to do with it.

This character is putting Hugh Jackman in all sorts of sexual situations and being like, hey, what do you think about that? So let's get right into it. So Hugh Jackman is the world's best hacker. No, no, no. What's amazing, there's a line that I wrote is because what John Travolta specifically says is he is the country's best hacker. And my question was. The most dangerous hacker in America. In America.

That's what it is. And I wrote down, well, for the thing you're trying to pull off, why wouldn't you get the world's best hacker? Well, he tries, but that guy gets fucking murdered. Oh, right. That guy does hilarious. get murdered. Zero cool was not available. Or crash, whatever, crash overdrive. Crash override. Override. For maximum

enjoyment, see our episode on Hackers. So, yeah, we... And the net. The movie starts and it's, uh-oh, we're in the future, kind of, because it's just John Travolta jawing about fucking dog day afternoon. And do not start your movie talking about a classic movie that I want to watch. I fucking hate it. I hate it so much. I hate it. I hate it. Tarantinoness of this is so... Obscid. Oh, big time. Obscene. You know, this movie reeks of the late 90s. Like, I feel

this screenplay may have bounced around a little bit. By the way, written by Skip Woods, motherfucker that did a good day to die hard. He is frankly a criminal in my eyes. He's a cybercriminal. He's a cinematic terrorist is Skip Woods. So he's

doing this fucking monologue. And it's John Revolta. The Hammitude is through the roof once again the hamometer has exploded there's fucking there's a bunch of ham meat just floating out of the hamometer because he is really taking it to the rafters with this monologue where he's talking about dog day afternoon and how wouldn't it be better if the bad guys won here's how you make that movie good you know well you know Pacino starts just fucking blasting people and blah blah blah that's how it would be good that's how you make a movie and i'm like hey gabriel did you know that that movie dog day afternoon

is based on a true story you fucking moron like what are you even talking it like he's giving this monologue as if he doesn't know it's based on a true story it actually it starts out with like Hollywood as shit and then there's a lack of realism Hollywood ending man look at your goddamn movie

look at your own goddamn movie don't worry about fucking dog day afternoon it's doing just fine and yeah in an hour and 35 minutes from him saying that a helicopter is going to lift a bus off the ground. A bus whose exterior is designed

to look like a computer microchrip. So you, yeah, you leave Sydney Lumet alone. There are so many helicopters in this movie. I kept on noting all these copter shots, I started to call them. There's at least four copter shots going on. Not

choppers, by the way, because we're not at war, so it's not a chopper. That's right. It's just a copter. That's right. This is pre-9-11. Then after 9-11 happens, they're chops. It's choppers. Keep your eyes on your own paper, Skipwoods. All right? Let's just, let's just, you fucking do that for a while and then figure it out.

I'm just picturing Skipwood sitting at a, like, a late 90s, like one of them, EMAX. Remember those EMAX, right? He's sitting at EMAQ and he's got final draft and he's typing it inside his glass house. Chuck at all these stones. All 150 pages of swordfish and he's just looking at his glass house and he's like, I can see my neighbors through my wall. Click, click, click. Hollywood, click, click.

You know, Dog Day Afternoon is, you know, good movie at all, but can you write it in 60 seconds while getting a blowjob? Oh, man, oh, man. This is, I mean, this movie's famous for a couple of scenes. This is one of them. So the whole, we, you know, he trashes, he trashes Hollywood. And it's, oh, it's a lot of horseshit, too, of, of, arguably, Pacino's best performance outside of whatever. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, Of course, Godfather part one.

Scarface. Spit on the floor, Steve Sade Act. That's what happens when I hear somebody say. Just you say Scarface? Yes, he does. That's my new rule. Anytime somebody says Scarface is a classic movie, you spit on the floor. Hey, watch me light the internet on fire.

Hey, everybody, Carlito's way is better than Scarface. Let me just say something here that Scarface is a classic movie. The 1933. Yeah, the Cagney. movie. But I, you know, actually, I don't mind the 83 one even, but it's fine, but don't tell me it's one of Al Pacino's best fucking performances. The culture around that movie, holy Toledo. That's the old, the old gag I've said a couple times. It's like, you see all these musicians and whatnot that are like, oh yeah, I look at, you know, I look at Tony as like this, he's my

model businessman guy. I'm like, did you not watch the last 20 minutes of that movie? You clearly must not have, if you think that this dude is the guy. that you're going to go to. He also kind of wants to fuck his own sister. Oh, yeah, yeah, and there's that too. That's my role model. I want to fuck my own sister. Spit on the floor, say it.

Or Jamie Lannister. Also, speaking of the late 90s in this movie, we are in Steven Soderberg's Mexico for most of this movie. We got a filter all over this movie. That's just California, guys. Yeah. Yellow equals sign California.

Get the fuck out of town. After that crazy dumb monologue, we're taken outside of this little cafe that they are doing it in. Swat team all around them. And you realize, by the way, we're in the end of the movie. Right.

It's what we're starting at the beginning. Yeah, it's going to flash back four days earlier. Four measly days. Great. And we're treated to this like, you know, like this moving camera shot and like everything starts exploding and it's just like

oh my God the Matrix came out the other year remember that? You remember that two years ago? The Matrix? You guys see that movie? At the time this is the biggest special effects shot ever in Warner Bros. History. Are you serious? Yes, at the time. They couldn't tell like what was composite and what was real people. Because we're, you know, basically

it's really stupid because the this Judge Volt has got all these all these hostages in a bank, you know, backed up at C4 and they all have lead lead ball bearings also and like you know they have dog collars

so if they go away from like the area they're going to explode and like this like overzealous SWAT team guys like oh take this girl out well it's on the command of overzealous Zach Grinier FBI douchebag in this movie he plays an unlikable POS if you pardon my French

oh wow this chick blows up and we have to see it a 360 angle like holy shit, man. Oh, man. Get my electric guitar ready. Cause Barnao! Frost your tips and see shit in

360, brother. Speaking of Frosted tips, Hugh Jackman's got one of those little earrings. Yeah, does he? Yeah, he does. It's very distract. Yeah, it's very of the time. Yeah.

Yeah, dudes with earrings not so much these days. You know, it's funny. It's like, even back then, I was never, I was like, what are you doing? I never had the inclination to get an earring. My brother got a lot of like super cool dudes in high school had like the little earring. It was that that's in the 90s is the one little earring. Now it's kind of like if you're doing piercings, you're doing the plugs, you're doing a lot of different stuff. Yeah, you're like you got to see how high you can get that gauge going. Hey kids. How about how God made me? Maybe maybe that's

good enough. What are you? My mother talking about tattoos? Yeah, I kind of end because I'm not really for them either. different opinions on we hate movies we had a lot of stuff this week so I don't hate tattoos I just don't have it yeah I don't I don't hate them just I don't hate them just prefer the way God made me Eric's good enough for me Eric's an Orthodox Jew I don't know if anyone's ever know that he can't really tell from his profile pictures that's why we can't record episodes on Saturday so we go forward it so after the big explosion everyone Whoa, this movie is going to be off the rails. The roller coaster is going down the track. And Skip Woods is just looking at that glass house. That's right.

I think Lumet took a little time to get his movie going. I start with blowing up a lady. And we go four days earlier. And Hugh Jackman's playing golf off the top of his trailer. Just driving a couple balls, man. He's working out in the oil fields and whatnot. He's got like, he's just in a town. Just a towel.

Which, I mean, this towel, he's got to staple that shit together. Like, there's no, like, you can't do a golf swing in a towel and have that shit. I think that hold up. Yeah, but I think the thing he's thinking, right, is like, I'm out here in these oil fields. It's me and my dog. Hallie Berry certainly isn't going to show up in a sports car. Look, if my towel falls off and my huge, Hugh Jackman Cox flopping all over the place, it doesn't matter. Who's going to see me, the dog?

I'm not sure how things. people's towels works, but I know that around my fat body, that shit's always falling off. This whole scene with him playing golf, with how he's living his life, with how like this rugged masculinity, I was like, oh,

Skip Woods here probably types. He's like, Martin Riggs meets Tyler Durden. Meet me. Yeah, he's like the cool he's like the coolest guy ever meets the next coolest guy ever. And he's golfing. Oh, and he's smart as shit too. He can use a

computer. He's the world's great. Like, why isn't, I don't know, he's America's greatest hacker? How much better would this movie have been with the 1999 Philip Seumer Hoffman? Wait, as this character? Yeah, as... Oh, God, it would be infinitely better. Well, you'd have a better actor

for one. You'd have a more realistic physique on a hacker. And you could have gotten it because there's an awkward blowjob scene, and that's PSH of the 2000s was looking for those, pushing those sexual boundaries. He jerked off on a postcard and stuck it to a wall in happiness which by the way can i just put this out here

because i've seen this a lot we're never going to do an episode about happiness because happiness is a great movie i'm just putting it out there no yeah and i'm glad you you said that because it's also want to remind people that if you like swordfish that is totally cool and we're just having a little fun with it you know this is this this this show sort of like a supplement to your movie going life it doesn't have to be your movie going life i like I'll tell you this real quick. This was one of the first DVDs I ever purchased. I owned Swordfish on DVD.

Oh, whoa. The glass house you're in, too. I think my sister stole it from me. In terms of, like, internet reprisal, I'd be more upset about the Scarface fans than the Rabid Swordfish fans. It's totally okay for us to not like Scarface that much. But it's totally okay for you listening at home to enjoy Scarface. Sitting there in your Scarface t-shirt.

The Scarface poster. It's all great. Scarface bed. I wish I lived in Scarface bed. He's got a huge fucking bed in that movie. I sleep in a big bed with my wife. So Halliberry shows up with a 2000 haircut. I don't know what this thing is that she's got on her head.

Yeah, her haircuts is kind of weird. It's a short. It's just like her storm haircut grown out a little. Yeah. Although in that first X-Men movie, she's got long hair. Yeah, she's wearing a wig. Yeah. But like in Days of Future's past, she's got a short haircut. Yeah, she got the pull.

punk haircut, which is pretty awesome. I want to mention that it's totally okay for you to like that haircut. You're going to stop everything. No, I've said my piece. It's totally all right to like Drea D. Mateo, too. Who likes

Dreia D.Metia? I'm sure she's a really nice woman. I'm sure she's great. In person. So, Hallie Berry shows up, and she's like, hey, man, first off, I'm not here to suck your dick. And I'm like, wait, what? The language in this movie.

And again, I know everybody. so don't compose your email. He's complaining about language again. But that's the thing is, like, in the late 90s, these Tarantino knockoffs and stuff, it's just, they're trying to be as vulgar. I'm not going to suck your dick. Like, what the fuck are you talking?

And even Hugh Jackman is just like, what? What do you do? Where did you get that from? But like today, we would say, like, I'm not going to blow you. Yeah, right. You know, we would tone it down a little bit, and it just sounds more natural.

Who goes around doing a hard D? You fucking chuck a dick. what are you talking about it's the only time that happens no and it's because it's the capital d for dialogue like you know like when you're writing like dialogue sounding dialogue i mean this movie is the dialogueiest dialogue movie that ever dialogueed so she shows up she's like i want you to meet my employer here's a hundred grand and i'm not gonna suck your dick and i'm already like well that i gotta suck this guy's dick like what's this hundred grand for man like what what exactly is going on here uh you have to go meet my boss he is courting you to come

visit him with this hundred thousand dollars you know while we talk about this let's have an ice cold hyniquin oh man man it's hilarious every other shot there's just like a glistening heineken but it's great she goes into hugh jackman's like rough and tumble fridge and he's got only like three different varieties of heineken it's a it's a bottle it's a light and it's the fucking can it's every it's every version of hineken you could purchase at the grocery store in 2001. They have the Heineken brown that no one ever buys in there as well. Man, then Heineken Dark is fucking disgusting.

I've never even tried it. But it's awesome because it's so great. It's like Hugh Jackman's got this disgusting trailer refrigerator. It looks like Sam Elliott as a refrigerator. And Calibary opens it and everything is like rotten ass food everywhere. And then three glistening well-lit Heineken's in this dark-ass disgusting fridge. It's, listen. Advertising works, man.

I hate Heineken. And she fucking opens that bridge. I was like, look at that delicious hyniquing. Glistening and winking at me. I want it. That's a nice heine. And so she's like, all right, here's the plan. You're the world's best hacker.

My boss needs the world's best hacker. America's best hacker. I apologize. Yeah, he lost in the world. He won the regionals. The hacker worldwide championships. And she's like, you know, just meet my boss. Be my boss.

He's like, I can't, you know, I went to prison for 18 months. And he's moaning about this 18-month prison stint the entire movie. It doesn't sound so bad. Yeah, he's acting like he did like 10 years. Come on, Hugh Jackman's 18 months. So then she mentions, like, his daughter's name. Oh, his innocent baby daughter. I got to save my baby daughter, man.

Yeah, so he, yeah, he has like flashbacks or whatever and just like throws her violently out the door. Like, this guy's unstable. He's really unstable. And, you know, he calls it, she's like, how's your daughter? And he throws her out. And then he calls his wife, Drea, his ex-wife, Dr. DeMetteo, who this is not the first time I've seen her smoke crack on screen. And, like, I don't know why she's. Sorry.

She's perennially smoking crack on screen. She did it in that son's anarchy. She's kind of, she's doing in the Sopranos. Yeah. She's also like, she's pushing off in the Sopranos, too, isn't she? Yeah. They're doing everything. Her and Chris were going to have to do.

And this, she's a porn empress. She is a porn emperor. She's her new husband is like a porn emperor. He's a, he's a smut slinger. And there, it's a really weird, like, he's living in the house where he shoots his own porno. Which is bullshit. I don't know if it's bullshit, man. Guaranteed some like low tier porno companies, you got to use your own couch sometimes.

Halliberry has this line that's like, like, you know, if you don't do this job, your daughter's going to fluff some. dicks for her new daddy, you know? It's so inappropriate. Maybe she said fluffer and I'm adding fluffing dicks, but that's what it's implied. It's something about like your daughter's going to be fluffing or stepdad's actresses or whatever. It's not fluffing dicks, but it might as well be fluffing dicks, because what else are you fluffing? But like, come on, Skip. Come on, Skip.

And it's the thinnest white guy motivation of just like, oh no, my baby. daughter's going to be fucking sucking cock if I don't go do this job for John Travolta and it's like, dude let's just set some, like maybe he's just got financial trouble. Like what about that? Why doesn't she have to be in this dangerous porn house?

Make him a degenerate gamblers. Exactly. And why can't, you know, not to defend pornographers but like, why can't a pornographer just do that for work and have like a normal house? Well, that's the horse shit thing, right? He's like he can't be like just a professional, genteel

pornographer. It's like, the fucking is happening inside the house and we're smoking crack on set. Yeah, it's like, Jay and Tim and Till's like, she's fine. I don't know where she is. It's just like, break it up lines. And it's like, oh, I fucking got it, everybody. It's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

She's just waking up. I read this about the writer today. Can we just quickly digress a little bit on Skip Woods? Sure. He's written a lot of bad movies. This might actually get us murdered, but... Well, no, wait a second. Because his main career is like, he runs

like a tactical weapons company in Texas or he's involved in it. What? And like, that's what got him interested in action movies or something. So this guy's actually like an arms dealer. Huh. He lives it as well is what you're saying. Yeah, he's yeah, yeah. So he's one of the good guys

with the guns. That's you're saying. I think he's one of the bad guys with the guns. He's a, he's the bad guy with the script writing program. Yeah. So Hugh Jack was like, well, I don't want my daughter to suck cock so i guess i'll join you let me tell you this is only a year after that first x-men movie that australian accent is seeping through every which way it can man it's like it's like he's

talking into cheesecloth and all that's getting out the other side is australian accent so he's he's the best immigrant hacker in america and also just make him australian if that's the case I know, I know, like, in the grand scheme of things, you know, he's not going to be a bankable Hollywood star if all of a sudden Wolverines talking with an Australian accent. But like, but it's another movie. Who cares? Be Australian. Get that voice coach on set every day of the week. I mean, he's overcome it. I haven't noticed it. I haven't noticed it in a long time. He's gotten much better better. He's gotten so much better. As a matter of fact, when I was watching the Tonys and he's hosting the Tonys and I was like, oh, yeah, he's Australian. I saw a bit of him on The Tonight Show and I was like, oh, yeah, he's Australian. But in this movie, it's like, oh, man, he's not American. You know?

How is he America's best hacker? So, speaking of the world's best hacker, it's this guy who, like, again, I actually didn't do my research before I watched this. I thought this movie was done in 2004 for some reason. And I was like, oh, man, the 9-11 stuff's out of control.

But, like, no, it was just, like, weirdly. prescient. That's the only time anyone's ever said that about swordfish. This guy's going through airport security and like they discover a dummy passport and we spend way too much time of him trying to run away like literally four minutes of nothing. And then he gets in

Don Cheadle's clutches and Don Cheadle has one of the worst goatees I've ever seen. He looks really bad in this movie. It's a bad goatee and he's coming in and there's like a couple of people are like interrogating this guy with his lawyer

and they're kind of making fun of him for being finished and we're making IKEA jokes and they're like, uh-oh, you just pissed off the wrong guy. Here comes Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle punches his lawyer in the stomach and tells him to go eat a dick and throws him out. We're just eating so much dick in this.

Sucking dicks, eating dicks. And he's like, flashing dicks. And for some reason, like, this guy's like, he's scared of Don Cheadle. I would be like, oh, thank you. You literally just got me off. Like, thank you for beating up my lawyer. and telling you to get a dick,

because I just have immunity. You're also, guess what? You no longer worked for the FBI. You can't just beat the shit out of a lawyer. No, you can't do that. Also, this movie is filled with so many FBI cockups that it's just, like, embarrassing. It's embarrassing for the Bureau.

Like, the Bureau thought that, like, Mulder and Scully were an embarrassment? No, no, no, no. Don Cheedle and fucking Zach Grinier in this movie are the two biggest boobs the Bureau's ever seen. It's the amount of times the FBI fucks up in this movie, and then it's just like, well, we're the FBI. So speaking of fuck-ups, he's like about to get, like, you know, this hacker, this like finish guy is about to spill the beans on John Travolta. And then this other agent comes in, he's like, hey, Don Cheadle, you got a phone call. It's Zach Grainier, and he's like, okay, hold that.

You stay here. I'll come back. He leaves him alone, and Vinny Jones comes in and just murders this dude in a fucking bureau station. It's Vinnie Jones and William Maypoder, aka Tom Cruise's cousin, are the two, like, the hit men. And William Maypoler is a good actor. He does, like, creepy stuff very well. Is that how it's pronounced? I always thought it was Mopather.

No, I think it's Maypolar. I don't know. I've never heard him say it. I will say, speaking of acting, I'm glad that Vinny Jones isn't allowed to be in movies anymore. Because just watching this reminded me of 1999 to 2006, and I was like, because he, here's the thing with him. him, right? And in this movie it happens where it's like he's pretty much like monosyllabic

until like right before inevitably his character dies and he gets like the one line and it's like the thing that Vinnie Jones does is say like the one kind of long line where you're throwing in a lot of words and like he's able to do it and do it

well but I'm just like God that got old so fast. He's just Guy Ritchie or bust like really. Yeah. So he's probably the jugger was probably his ending right that's sort of the puts the cap on video Jones for us the fact that Brett Ratner let I'm the

juggerna bitch into a fucking internet meme got let into that X-Men the last stand the kids will love it Andrew they did because when I saw that movie the fucking theater went wild that I wanted to throw up all over everyone for those of you at home

keeping score that's three X-Men one Iron Man and a and a Zach Grinier just in this movie and does Zach Grin-Gay? Yeah, how many actors associated

with like the Marvel universe in one way or another he crammed into this movie? It's four. That's it? Maypole there wasn't in that?

No, he might have been. He might be... You know, Travolta might get there soon. Trevolta's in Punisher. Oh, that's right. Man,

he's getting like dragged by that car at the end of that movie. That's not a good movie, but he does an okay villain in that movie. He's got to say so?

he's got the same haircut in that movie he certainly does is he playing the same character he's essentially playing the same character so we're going to john travolta's house we go to john travolta's house well no we go to his club oh right yeah you're right yeah the viper room and this is where

like if i'm hugh jackman i look like hugh jackman and i you know what i mean you're wearing a t-shirt that says low and lazy and you know like this this woman's trying to make me meet this dude for a hundred grand like i kind of can see the writing on the wall like if you walk around the world looking like Hugh Jackman. People are like, you know, dude, you want to meet my boss for 50 grand?

You're like, no, thanks. It's all right. I don't want to be turned into his gimp in the basement. Yeah, I don't want to become a prostitute or worse, a sex slave. Or murdered. There's no way someone's giving you $100,000 to show up somewhere to talk to some guy. No, exactly. Like, it's just like, yeah, that sounds great, but I don't want to get killed.

Yeah, this, I mean, this should only happen in the movies. I'm sure people in the real world have fallen for this and they've never been heard from again. But, You should only fall for this in the movie. In the movies. Yes. Now, listeners at home, if you find yourself in a movie, maybe give it a shot.

Hey, I thought I was in a movie. We hate movies told me I might wind up in a movie. Turned out, I just got sold into sex slavery. Which is how this ends. Because he goes to Club Heineken, right? And everyone's drinking their Heineken, having a sexy Heineken party. Oh, no. In this club, man, we are drinking tuck.

Oh yeah, everybody's belting down tequila. I think there's like some trays of sushi. Like, you know exactly what this club is when the movie gets to this club. And you know exactly what it's like to socially, not do business with, but to socially, you know, hang out, socialize with John Travolta, like a character like John Travolta. And it is as such. He picks up the tab for everything. He will buy anything you want for the party. but he is just the biggest douchebag

the whole time he's running the show he's running the show he's running the fucking show and every time he's not in the room someone's like oh my god he's such a Gabriel such a fucking douchebag I mean listen he paid for all that sushi it's fantastic we got all this nice champagne it's great the tequila keeps flowing it's fantastic

but can we all agree that Gabriel is the biggest douchebag in Gabriel's club right now I mean he keeps coming up to me saying oh man isn't the tequila great i know it's great like just shut up gabriel just shut up we got it you could afford expensive tequila we got it gabriel shut up already someone actually says of gabriel instead of that they say he is a driven machine who could disappear when he wants to it's really weird

yeah well the hacker who introduces this scene is like he lives in a world you can't understand and that's like no i totally understand it's a club he fucking lives in the grid from drawn Well, it's a good day of doing crime, Halley Barry. I'm going into the grid. Or he lives. Sleep on the edge of a cave, what a storm's going on in the cyber world. He lives in the heaven from what dreams may come. Man, if that's heaven, no thanks.

Seriously. Well, plus you're just hanging out with Robin Williams. Ew. Who else was in that? Cuba Gooding Jr.? Yeah. Yep. Yep. Max Montsido.

This sounds like the opposite of heaven to me, all three of those names. It's Cooper Gooding Jr. He's drinking one of those small cans of Pepsi. He says, show me the money for eternity. Yeah, that's a secret hell. So they sit him down and he's already, he's a little dice. He's like, what do you pay me $100 grand for? And then this woman's like, hey, and starts rubbing his crotch.

And at this point, I'm like, okay, one of two things are about to happen. I'm either going to have sex in this woman with this woman in front of Gabriel or Gabriel's just angling a threesome In either case I'm just not interested Thanks but no thanks Gabriel But Steve let's not pretend like this room is Hugh Jackman John Travolta and this woman

No Because it's Hugh Jackman, John Travolta This woman and 15 other people Standing around this huge table And then John Travolta goes He like snaps his fingers And he's like How about a little privacy

and this guy closes this fucking translucent shower curtain. No, absolutely not. It's totally a hospital curtain. And she's like, like fucking rubbing the crotch. And John Travolta starts talking about like, oh, you got to hacking this thing. It takes the best hackers in the world 60 minutes. You have to do it in 60 seconds. And he's like, what?

And this dude pulls out a gun. Vinny Jones pulls out a gun. Oh, it's Vinny Jones does it? All right. And then he's got a gun to his head. And then Travolta's like, oh, buy it. the way babbs get suckin and this

woman starts going down on Hugh Jackman and he's got to like fucking hack the net or whatever I think it's like the Department of Defense or something yeah yeah exactly the Department of Defense while Vinny Jones is a gun he's getting blown and John Travolta I'm sorry Gabriel is just looking like what do you think it's pretty cool

huh you know and how do you like me watching you get a blow job is that weird Skip Woods I mean if you really wanted to be edgy with this movie Gabriel has to start masturbate Like that's the missing piece of this puzzle Everybody gathers around like lines up So the rest of the club can't see

And then Gabriel whips it out And starts jerking off While this whole hack blow gun thing is going on By the way now This is a fun thing to do when you watch this scene Is well not not masturbate But But watch the way Hugh Jackman is typing

On the computer here Because it's just like Smacking his hand again that's all hacking in this movie is tip-typing as fast as you can as those fingers will take you and it's just garbage nothing it's total garbage nothing he couldn't be doing anything by the way at this point the world's greatest hacker and his lawyer are shot dead in the FBI you know it's another cock-up of the FBI yeah they got murdered by viny Jones and his team by the way viny Jones the way he's dressed in this movie the the type of suit they have on him he looks like uncle

Fester or Frankenstein's monster. Is he not Frankenstein's monster? Do you think that John Travolta made him in a lab? I think Guy Ritchie made him in a lab and then put him in his movies. I think so. I think so. I think that's it.

Well, it was that high-breasted suit that nobody looked good in in 2000. Just literally nobody. And, you know, you know, you Jackman comes and hacks the thing at the same time. And Travolta was like, brava. And then, but then it's the old, oh, I was just fucking with you. We were just having a laugh. And everyone's laughing. And I'm like, I am leaving this club.

And I'm not accepting the hundred grand because I don't know where that came from or what else is expected of me for it. And I don't know what is on those dollar bills. I just don't. I don't know where they've been. I don't want to know. And it gets worse because Trouvalda is like, oh, I'm having a private party at my house. absolutely not oh where's your house oh it's way up in the hills secluded where we won't be bothered wait what gabriel i already ejaculated once today

one's my quota man can't go over that it's just seedy shit man like yeah exactly like even if it's like hey man i'm not into anything weird you just go into any of my rooms have sex there's cameras everywhere there's two-way mirrors like oh absolutely a creep house i don't want any part of it and that's where like you also need to No, like the douchebaggery continues. Oh, yeah. Gabriel's always having parties at his house, and it's the same shit. Gabriel's going to pay for everything.

You can skinny dip in Gabriel's pool. There's the best drugs, but he's just the biggest douchebag who's ever hosted a party. And then he's going to get really close to you and start, like, talking too close to your ear about hydro worms and computer terms. By the way, he does say hydro words. Yeah, he does say hydrogen. All I could think of is, hey, oh, hydropworms. You're going to hail Hydra, Gary Shandling, hail Hydra. I think Gabriel Shear, this character, might be involved in Hydra.

Gabriel Shear's definitely involved with Hydra. Well, I'll tell you one person who's not involved in anything, and that's Sam Shepard, because I don't know what movie he is in. Him and Tate Donovan are in this movie that I'd like to watch. I think it's Lions for Lambs. Yeah, every four seeds, Tate Donovan comes to Sam Shepard in some other. movie he's like senator it's progressing and he's like well that's good i guess we'll have

to go on with plan b then and it's just like what are we even talking about i just love how sam shepherd is this guy who's just like written a ton of great plays and he's in some of the worst fucking movies ever made

well that's i kind of want to like just you know like i mean if i had the option like be a successful writer and just act in shitty movies of course i do it oh no i I mean, I just want to have dinner with Sam Shepard. And, you know, he's going to be like, okay, here comes. He's going to ask me all these playwriting questions.

And I'm just going to ask him what swordfish is about. And I will not, he'll try and change the subject, but I won't let it happen. You're like, all right, listen, you have, till the time I'm done eating this cheeseburger, to tell me what the movie's Swordfish is about. And if you can't do it by the time I'd finish this delicious cheeseburger, I'm just going to leave. I'll leave you alone. I'm going to now attempt to describe what he's, was doing in that movie.

Okay. I believe, now he's playing a senator or a congressman. He's a crooked senator. Right. Who, now Gabriel is involved in,

he's like actually part of like this black ops type of thing where they hunt terrorists. Yeah. And they have both discovered that the DEA for some reason has all this money in like $9 billion. $9.5 billion because of. Operation Swordfish. Which was like they needed, like, oh, do you remember what this was about?

I don't, but it's, it's, it's something like the DEA had to They were setting up dummy corporations or something. And they accidentally made money. Oh, oh, the dummy corporations, something unexpected happened. They started making money. Not just making money.

Making lots of money. Here's the thing. You don't accidentally make lots of money. You just don't. You don't accidentally make $9.5 billion. You don't accidentally just hold on to it.

You're like, oh, man. Let's use this to fucking fuck Haiti or whatever the United States does constantly. The DEA, the IRS, all these companies are not just going to be like,

let's sit on it. Or like, forget about it. The government's not going to forget about this money. But so that's the whole thing is they are going to this money out of this account and then John Travolta and his

buddies including Halliberry who we don't want to forget about Hallie Barry she's in this movie the whole time she watches Hugh Jackman get blown oh yeah laughs about it she's at the house party she's in this movie the whole time Hallie Barry John Travolta all of his Scuzz friends are going to form an organization

where it's basically like if you want to be a terrorist we're going to come and kill you so we're going to kill enough terrorists that people are scared to be come terrorists. Again, the hubris of the United States of America is at its peak in June of 2001. How's that working out for you? You betcha. And I mean, and I guess Sam Shepard is like above it all and like Tate Donovan is reporting to him. Yeah, I mean, I guess Sam Shepard is like, maybe he's the guy that stumbled on all this and he's giving John Travolta, you know, the intel about

terrorism. These are the account numbers. Oh, and that too. Yeah. Yeah. Like, he gives the terrorist intel and then John Travolta goes out and kills these people. And Tate Donovan's just like the secretary. And if you weren't confused enough, the next morning, Hugh

Jackman's like, oh, I'm going to see what Hallie Berry's up to. What? She's wearing a wire, which is hilarious because she's wearing the tightest dress in the world and she pulls it off. And there's this big fat wire on it. I'm like Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

This brings us basically to the part of the movie because you jumped a little bit ahead with the wire. Oh, yeah. It brings us to the part of the movie where I have another skeezy story. Oh, please. I think I know only what part it could be. Should I undo these pants?

Not in my house, please. Just store this story for later when you get home. Gabriel likes to tell the story and just say, hey, what does that make you think about? Is that cool? In the summer of 2001, I was working at a multiplayer. I've referenced working at this movie theater several times on the show. So there I was, the summer 2001,

this cyber thriller called Swordfish is coming out. So, you know, as was the case back in the days when multiplexes were still running 35 millimeter prints. You know, we would build up the prints for exhibition the next day. You know, they'd come in on like a Thursday morning and you build them all up and you start playing them on Friday. You have to run through all of the prints, right? So I come into work on a Thursday night. night. We used to work with this like older dude projectionist, you know, like one of these old union guys. I go into work, punch the clock, walking into the booth. There's this old

fellow turned to him like, oh, hey man, how's it going? He goes, hey, minute 38. I'm like, I'm like, oh, yeah, minute 38 of what, man? He goes, a minute 38 of swordfish. I was like, oh, that shitty John Travolta movie? Who cares? What's a minute 38? He goes, minute 38 is the first time anyone's going to see Hallie Barry's tits. Motherfucker timed it. Was this guy's named George Skin, aka Mr. Skin, from minute 38 to minute 38.35.

See, Mr. Skin did not accidentally make all that money. Yeah. Mr. Skin fucking worked hard for that money. But it's just, it was so, like, I knew nothing about the movie. And I was like, what, what are you been, she's never been nude before? Like, I had no concept of what was going on. But there's this dude starting the movie and fucking stop watching it. Wait, because, like, he had read in a trade or something.

Oh, she's doing nudity. Well, apparently it was really highly publicized and it was stupid. And, like, she got paid an extra 500 grand to do it. Like, which, you know, good on her. It makes some money. But, like, it's just so useless in the movie. She's literally reading a book And Hugh Jackman's like

Can I borrow your car? And she's like, sure. Let me just put this book down to get my keys. And you're like, and he doesn't really A physical comedy. Whoa. It's kind of funny. Like he turns around and like almost does like a Dick Van Dyke over a fucking

pool chair, which is kind of funny. And it's just like, okay. And that's the end of that. I mean, because you got to remember though, you guys, what we're dealing with here is not your, it's not your dad's cyber theory. Oh, yeah, totally. This is a sexy 21st century cyber thriller. Yeah, it's not like your dad's cyber thriller, like The Net.

It's not like your weird uncle's cyber thriller, The Net. Your grandfather's cyber thriller, I guess, war games by this math we're doing. Your grandfather's cyber thriller, Dr. Strange, love. Metropolis. Great grandpa's cyber thrillers, I guess. You know, in my day, cyber thrillers were just building lady robots in Weimar, Germany. It's kind of a sexy C3PO. Hey, Stephen.

What if he made C3Pio sexy? What if, what if C3PO had a bride, Stephen? Robots can take brides. Man, Star Wars Episode 7, Bride of 3Pio? We open. It's called R2D2, by the way. R2, they've finally legalized marriage for us. You droids can't get married here.

Get out of my can'tina. First Lando marries a droid. Lobot. I said it was a slippery slope. What's next? Droid on droid marriage. Oh, then someone's going to marry a Chewbacca. Oh, Grady, married a Chewbacca.

You know, say what you will about the empire. At least, you know. There are values then. Traditional values. Thank you. I'm sorry, Chewbacca, you're one of the good ones. Just don't fuck my wife. Star Wars racism.

So he borrows her car to see his daughter, his precious baby daughter, who's left alone. Because he was Bob such a crack whore. Left alone in this porn palace. Just crying tears of pornography, obviously. Oh, these pornographic tears. This little girl has a cell phone before I did. Well, no, the funny thing about that is that's supposed to show that she's like, this little rich girl that like, oh my God, she's got everything but her mother's love.

But now kids, like, younger than eight have cell phones, and nobody bats an eye. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. By the way, you know, she's a rich girl. kid and that's like i guess that's establishing it with the cell phone but why is she dressed like a romani gypsy because she's also alternative she's a pre-thinkered she got these rose tinted glasses go yeah she looks like mini janice joplin you're going to do like a cartoon of like all the 60s like rock and roll stars as kids oh the one she would play mini janice wow that is so cute it just took a little piece of my heart baby janis a little bit of the the the

The plot of this is like, you know, it's called Woodstock's kids, by the way. Sorry. What? That's the name of my cartoon. No, you can't do that. Woodstock's kids? Why not? That's what I was.

Listeners might not know that I was from Woodstock. There you go. Little Eric Siskin trivia. Sorry, Steve. Continue. So the plot, you know, he's like, he's trying to get, go to, he's not trying to, like, do anything, but go to court and win custody of his daughter. Correct. from this evil hell bitch porno whatever and like this the funny thing is in this world where this guy's filming pornography in his house they're still beating hugh jackman in a custody hearing like no yeah one dude did and yeah one dude did like cyber crimes the other people are making pornography like listen if dad's in jail for cyber crimes for 18 months by the way not a big you know we're finding a fucking halfway house for this kid yeah these these uh california

kangaroo courts. Oh, I see. You know, they, you know, they uphold the San Fernando Valley very highly. What's fantastic is later in the film, Hugh Jackman, like, throws out, like, what he actually did to go to jail for 18 months. And it's kind of just Edward Snowden, which is really weird. But he's talking about, because he mentions, he's like, I found out that all this shit, you're doing all this surveillance under us Americans.

And me is an American tat. Can't take that anymore, so I, I leaked it all. I was a whistleblower. I blew the whistle. Operation Carnivore, by the way. Oh, fucking give it a rest. I mean, this movie oddly predicts, you know, terrorism. I mean, that was a problem for the rest of the world for a while, but also the surveillance system.

Yeah, it's, I mean, yeah, he basically says, like, I found out that all these government agents, he blames, it's kind of interesting. he's not the movie's not totally accurate he blames he says that the fbi i was surveilling all these listening to all these phone calls reading emails and he couldn't let that stand and so he like placed a worm into a thing and blew up their system he hacked the gibson so he picks up his daughter and he's like you know baby i'm gonna get i'm gonna go i'm gonna win the court case don't worry baby i'm gonna win the court case because i'm gonna get get $10 million of fucking stolen money

and that way I'll prove to the court that I'm straight and narrow. Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense because, you know, John Travolta is selling him on this whole thing, be like, how about you hire the most expensive lawyer in all of California? How much do you think that's going to cost you?

And it's like, yeah, a lot of money. And where is this dude who fucking golfs at a goddamn oil field? Like, obviously red flags are going up, Hugh Jackman. You're not going to be able to pull this off. Are we going to pay this guy in cash? Like, where is the money laundering that needs to happen after

this? The thought I had was like, right when John Travolta convinces him, like, he shows Hugh Jackman this computer set up and all you see is like seven computer monitors and Hugh Jackman's like, wow, seven computer monitors. That's got to be the best computer. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's such

a great computer. It takes seven whole monitors. So that's what sells them on it. And then like, right as John Travolta is leaving, he's like, Okay, so we're good, right? So $10 million and you're just going to, you're going to do this for me? That's great.

Maybe you'll also suck my dick or I'll suck yours out. We'll see what happens later. And he's like, going to my house. We'll see what happens. See you later. And I was like, no, Hugh Jackman. You have to ask John Travolta, like, listen, you're going to give me this $10 million.

That's great. You have to hook me up with a criminal attorney. Yes. You know, like, I don't need a criminal attorney. I need a criminal attorney. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, we got to figure this shit out. Because clearly I can't go into a.

a fucking court with a known expensive lawyer when I'm just this dude who greases up the fucking oil wells. And I'm a known hacker. I've a known cyber criminals. Also known cybercriminals. Yeah, known felon. I mean, best hacker

in America by Wired Magazine, I guess. Yeah, it was definitely Wired Magazine. So when he starts using this seven monitored bohemath, there's a great for, I don't know why. they you know when you starts doing these these hacking things we get to see like we follow the the power cables yes and it's like the internet's a series of tubes everyone right and it's just

it's a tracking shot with with these wires underground going all the we followed all to another computer that he's hacking what's amazing is i noted this and i noted this uh when i was watching it it is 52 minutes into the film before anyone uses the word internet which is pretty great I'm proud of you swordfish but once internet is uttered Hugh Jackman says internet that's right

when the fucking tube visuals kick in and we're just going inside the net and it's like oh god the internet fucking released the bad graphics cracking and it's great because like he's doing all this hacking stuff and he's got to build this worm and it's just Hugh

Jackman off clearly like the script just says Hugh Jackman hacks and they made like they tried to make a compelling montage and he's just like, come on baby, come on, come on, and he's like smack at his hand. Drinking wine, dancing around. Oh, cricky. Also, he's trying to build like this 3D image

of like this like cube. And like once the, and it's like, oh, blimey, it fell apart again. What he's doing, I believe, in my play PlayStation 1. He's playing twisted metal. GameCube. He says to John Travolta, like,

the only worm that can do what you need to do is a worm that I built when I was at Caltech and I hid the code for this worm in a basement computer that they only kept on for like museum tour purposes kind of like look at this old dinosaur computer

so that's where he got he the tubes take us from John Travolta's gross house to like we go through the internet to the Caltech basement where this old computer is online and so it's Hugh Jackman is like he has to decrypt his own encryption.

So it's him like fighting against himself during this whole montage. But yeah, drinking red wine, clapping his hands, dancing around. How about the song playing? Do you remember what that was? It's something ridiculous. It's something like, it's like... Well, it's techno, right? Yeah, it's like techno rapish and it's like 50,000 wads of

funkery. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 50,000 wads of funkery. Because this whole soundtrack is made by Paul Oakenfold. And unless you really like techno music, you fuck hate paul oakenfold and like anytime you walk by you see those like

the big ads for like techno jams volume 17 it's all produced by paul oakenfoot all the dude does is make obnoxious techno music and that's all that's in this fucking movie yeah including 50,000 watts of funkery which is terrible

and so this is when this movie starts to go really off of a cliff a literally because uh he you know he He dropped off his daughter and, like, you know, Don Cheadle's like, hey, man, I'm in this movie. And he's like, you're in here too?

What are you doing here? Well, machine. And he's like, I don't know, Wolverine. What are you doing here? So, like, but no, he basically, like, you know, we saw you with John Travolta. What's that about? And he's like, oh, fuck. And he like, there's this, all the action scenes of this movie, which are numerous, most of them have absolutely nothing to do with the plot.

Like, it's just like, now let's chase around. They run around. And they basically fall off. a cliff for like 25 minutes it's ridiculous it's just rolling down a hill biggest cliff ever yeah I mean it's a hill but it's like bare minimum you break every bone in your body

yes Hugh Jackman gets up from this and continues running breaks it to a run yeah it's ridiculous and it's so stupid like because yeah they chase him down to this hill like this cliff hill thing and Hugh Jackman's like ah fuck and then jumps off it

and then Don Chittal's like next time baby and then he jumps off stealing Terrence Howard's line. And then there's other, like, the lame duck FBI agent is just like, oh, fuck. And then he jumps off. It's like, whoa. And then they roll down the hill for like five minutes. And then there's just another agent who's like, you're under arrest, not you're under arrest, Hugh Jackwood, like, stay there, you Jack.

He was like, all right. And then they have this conversation. They talk about Operation Carnivore. And he's already, Hugh Jackwood's broken in FBI agent's nose. He's known to be consorting with criminals. And he broke his parole. And Don Cheadle's like, I'm going to see how this plays out. Like, arrest him.

The FBI cocking up in this movie. Also, a detail of note, a Cheedle is the dude who put Hugh Jackman away the first time. Of course he is. Yeah. So it's a real John Valjean situation. Yep. And Don Cheadle, Javier. So now the FBI is like monitoring the situation.

So, like, the FBI takes photos of John Travolta hanging out outside his house. Yep. That the senator gets sent. And now the senator's like, we've got to stop the mission. Look at these. Look at these incriminating photographs. Look at these photos from the set of swordfish. Oh, my God.

We got a shutdown production. Shut down, ain't it cool news? They leaked photos from the set of sword things. Giggle. So now John Travolta knows what's up. So he takes, he's like, I'm going to talk to Hugh Jackman. But we can't do it at home because it might be bugged. We got to go on this car ride.

And this is when he says some of the dumbest shit I've ever fucking heard. Well, this, I mean, this movie is aggressively stupid. Like, it's not just like a stupid movie. Like, this movie was like walking down the street and the saw a sign and it was like stupid pool. And the movie was like, stupid pool. What's that? The movie like walked down the hill and there was this pool. It was like, you get in here.

It's the stupid pool. And this movie did a fucking cannon ball into the stupid pool and then drown itself in it. That's how, it was so stupid what I just said, but that's how stupid this movie is. Here's a drop of that pool water. It's, uh, Josh Volta's like, say, ever hear of Houdini? Unlike modern, unlike modern magicians, he didn't care about TV ratings. Because TVs weren't invented when Harry Houdini was alive. I'm sure if they were, he would have fucking cared about it.

He would have been fucking all over that shit. Yeah, exactly. He was a fucking shit. Jobin, you jackass. Totally. He made a bunch of movies, like, as Harry Houdini. He was the, yeah, exactly. That was him doing forward thinking about it.

He would have been, he would have been on every night of the week on television. That fucking goddamn college jock hadn't punched him in the stomach and killed him. And like, you know, he's just spouting all this nihilistic garbage that's like, yeah. Don't, don't be fooled, Steve. It's garbage talk. It just is. Coming out of his garbage mouth. This one might be from a little later, but this is a, this is a, this is a,

Oh, my God. He's like, what the hell was his, uh, Hugh Jackman's name in this movie again? Stanley. Stanley, yeah, thank you. Stanley. Stanley.

He has some line about like, like Stanley, it's not all the American dream. You're not just on a yacht eating bonbons. Yes. How in what way is the American dream being on a yacht eating bonbon? It's just like cribbed fight club shit. You know what I mean? Like, it's just like, shut the flying fuck up.

I'm just, just be quiet. By the way, you're missing, speaking of aggressively stupid, before, right before they get on this stupid car ride, Hugh Jackman stumbles upon John. Hugh Jackman stumbles upon John Travolta's clone, okay? A fucking clone that is never referred to. I mean, it figures into the ending hugely, but never does John Travolta be like, oh, yeah, and I made a clone of myself. It's either a clone or like a plastic surgery thing or something. Yeah, I fall asleep. What was this clone?

Oh, I'm sorry. You may have missed it. It's during the hacking montage when Hugh Jackman realizes, oh, I'm all out of my hacking juice, aka expensive red wine. And he goes down to John Travolta's fucking wine cellar that this terrorist has. And he's like, hmm, whoa, it's the 1996. Let me find the 1996. And he like leans down.

And he's like, oh, here it is. Oh, who's that? And it's just a fucking dead John Travolta. And you're like, what the fuck? And he runs like, oh, ha! And just like gets out of the basement. And then John Travolta is like upstairs like, hey, what's going on? And you're just like, are you going to ask him about that?

You're going to ask him about that fucking dead John Travolta you just saw? Maybe that was Matt Damon, Gabriel's first hacker. And just think I'm getting all sorts of plastic surgery to look like Gabriel. And it just didn't work out for him. And I forgot to mention on that car ride in between the Bon Bon Bon and Houdini talk. John Travolta shoots like 50 people and blows up five cars. It's a terrorist attack in Los Angeles. And again, this has nothing to do with the movie.

I mean, we figure out that this is Sam Shepard's doing. Again, Sam Shepard, three movies away. Yeah, because he says it, like, yeah, after the photos that we were talking about, he's like, he's like, hey there, Tate Donovan, we're going to have to take care of this. And Tate Donovan's like, all right, I'm on it. And, yeah, they try to, like, put a hit out on him. And yeah, it's like he's got six machine guns. He's doing a bunch of stupid shit.

By the way, we haven't talked about his. soul patch yet which is a real it's front center it's such a problem it's like it's so it's one of those soul patches that's like it goes beyond the initial patch and it's a line down to the chin like the rest of the chin it looks like a sharpie marker was just written on his face it looks so fucking terrible it's just annoying it's annoying to look at there's another obnoxious part in this so of course johns revolted because he's just a fucking douchebag in this movie he has to have a european car so it

all the fucking driving mechanisms are on the other side of the car, right? And so it's a stick shift clearly and he's like, he's like, oh, hey, Hugh Jackman, what do you think of my European car? Pretty cool, right? Yeah, it's really awesome. Yeah, it's great. I'm a hacker. I drive a fucking Volvo. But he's like, he's like,

oh, he pulls over because he's got to fucking, he's got to assemble this submachine gun to shoot these fucking government assassins down. And he's like, all right, Hugh Jackman, you have to drive the car. And Hugh Jackman's like, but I don't know how to drive a stick shift. And he's like, well, then learn. And then Hugh Jackman is instantly fantastic at driving a stick shift. Like, listen, I can drive a stick shift. It takes you a couple times to get the

motions down. It would be great if they just died. Like, oh, oh, it just, it keeps stalling on me, John Travolta, because I don't know how to drive stick. Okay, I am, uh, hey, tell me, you know, tell me how to drive a stick shift. Also, tell me while you have a clone of yourself and your wine cellar. We'll talk about that later. This movie cannot continue until you tell me what this clone is about? Like the whole time after that, and I saw this movie in theaters, like I mentioned. You were there for minute 38, brother.

Hey man, minute 38, right? What? But every time, I've seen this movie three times now. I watched it when it came out. I watched it once when I for some reason bought it on DVD, and then I watched it last night. And every single time, after that fucking clone comes up, I'm like, somebody's got to talk about that clone. Somebody's got to

say something about that clone. Please, somebody please somebody asked John Travolta about that clone and the wine cellar is no nobody's nobody's saying you're just gonna you're forgetting it all right at this point Tate Donovan blows up and I don't believe his character was given a name

before he blew up no and unless I kept missing it he's not even on the IMDB entry for this movie I looked up and down because I was like I'm pretty sure that's fucking Tate Donovan and I couldn't find him on the IMDB page. A friend of the show Stephen Tobolasky would say that's a

it's a pretty bad role it's a kick of the teeth because there's people that are credited as like hostage number four and then you know what you might call it John Travolta lands in a copter

Yeah in a copter Another copter shot count of folks Great copter shot here Solid copter shot There's so many great copter shots Sam Shepard is fly fishing in a stream And John Travolta like lands on the bank of the stream

And I want to point out that they are They're different copters each time too Yeah, this is the militarized copter. Very nice. And John Travolta, like, gives some douchebag monologue and then murders him. And I'm like, no, this fucking senator is not just hanging around all by himself in the stream. The black op senator, dude, like he's got dudes with him. Exactly.

And John Travolta comes in with a fucking copter, lands, gives a monologue, murders him, and then takes off Scott Free. No way. This is the internet. I'm sorry. When Sam, when Sam Shepard wakes up the next morning after he sends a hit squad out to kill Travolta and hears about the mayhem in L.A. He's like, oh, shit, this went south. I got to get out of town. Exactly.

Exactly right. No, no, no. I'm just going to go fly fishing with no security. Yeah. Okay. Skip. Can we talk about Topless Halliberry one more second? Sure.

Not because she's topless. Can we go back to minute 38? That's my new production company, minute 38. No, it's not even about that. It's just like, so this is what, you know. Sorry, Lord Radin was here. A couple of scenes later, you know, she's getting undressed again. And this is when the wire shows up.

And Hugh Jack was like, oh, no, what's going on? What are you doing? And he's like, oh, you know, I'm a DEA. And it's like, wait. What? And then John Travolta comes into the room and he's like, well, this looks pretty cozy. And you Jack was like, oh, fuck, I knew it. Like, there are, there are, it's at least two or three times in this movie where Hallie Berry is either like hitting on him or scantily clad in front of him, like off to the side. Where John Travolta just comes in and is like, well, what's going on in this room?

Yeah, it's just, nobody told me you'd be here. Why was it? I invited to this party. and it's like, oh, man. Yeah, and then just like stares awkwardly until someone else says something. It's so weird. Your move other two.

It's just, it's all angling that threesome, dude. Do you think that dead clone was something that he made to have sex with? Oh, yeah. And it just like didn't work out or like he was too rough with his toy. I don't know. It's just, I'm just saying, it's possible.

I'm just asking questions. I mean, you don't know what this clone is for. Who knows what this clone is for? Maybe it's John Travolta from the future. Came back to warn him not to do this thing and then he shot himself in the head. Maybe that's possible. So has it been four days yet? Well, it actually has because then what happens is John Travolta is like, hey, Hugh Jack and let's go get coffee.

Yeah. And, you know, they go to this place where it's across the street from a bank and he explains to him the whole plot. And this is where he explains the whole thing about Jay Edgar Hoover created this black cell within the FBI, which is what John Travolta works for. supposedly whatever and this is where he has the line that like attacking America is unthinkable to terrorists and I'm like

again movie three to four months from oh do you think like the black cell was losing funding so John Travolta's character like kind of like led the terrorists a little bit

oh inside job is this the Oh, Jesus, this is the inside job. John Travolta did it. He was the John Travolta clone. Hello, Gabriel. This is George W. Bush. I got an inside job for you. Swordfish, too, inside job.

Well, I don't know. Get your clone to do it then. So this is where, like, John Travolta, like, lays out the whole plan and everything. And, you know, Hugh Jackman's, like, Oh, it's not just internet, you know, robbery. Like, you're going to rob this bank and blah, blah, blah. Because John Travolta shows him, like, his little black cell organization has rented out a dilapidated theater. And in this theater is where they're constructing this bus with an exterior that looks like a computer microchip, everybody.

Don't forget that detail. It's very important in this terrorist attack that his little bus, his escape bus looks like a fucking microchip. want to stay on brand all right every moment it's like when they fucking put those like advertising skins on the subways yeah i hate that shit and that's what this is that's the signfeld seven train just cracks me up because it looks so dumb it looks really stupid so at this point yeah uh hugh jackman runs away he's like oh no it's this is i'm in too deep and he runs out and at this point of course d'emetero gets murdered and like His daughter gets kidnapped.

Right. And like, and the porn king's got his fucking fat porn throat slit. Yeah, which is great because the guy doesn't even have a lie to the movie. No. And the best part is like he looks at a, like, this movie is only an hour and 30-ish minutes long. 39. Thank God it's under two hours. Thank God.

But 20 minutes are missing because he, like he finds out his daughter is going to be kidnapped. He's like, oh, fuck. And he looks at Don Chudel's card, which he gave him. and that pointless cliff scene is like, hmm. And then we flash forward to the, to the explosion. And I'm like, there's a lot of steps. Like, how, like, you don't see Hugh Jackman going to Don Cheadle to figure every, like, listen, this is what John Travolta is doing. Then you don't see how Hugh Jackman got back in with John Travolta because John Travolta, like, clearly says, like, you know, oh, don't worry.

Like, we'll take care of him. When he runs away from the theater, like, we'll figure this out or whatever. you don't see any of that and then you just have to remember back to the beginning of the movie where they somehow were sitting in the coffee shop with John Travolta

and John Travolta of course has like a detonator in his hand and all that stuff you don't see how any of that takes place it cuts forward to after that explosion and you're just like well what wait a second there's a real missing from this movie

essentially it's a grind house you think it was intentional they just left out those details it's nuts And then it's, from there, it's just like a really bullshit cat and mouse thing until the end of the movie-ish. Well, Halliberry's been gone for the movie. She's like, I'm a DEA agent. And it's like, okay, by the way, I know how Halliberry can win her next Oscar.

And I'm going to throw this out to you guys. We're going to throw it out to you, Hallibary, as well. Michael Jackson biopic. But with her playing Michael Jackson. It'd be a real fucking, be like a Kate Blanchett. Exactly. Dude. Yeah.

She's got like a good face for it. She has the same acting. style as Michael Jackson. I only say it's because I've seen Moonwalker recently where it's like I'm always almost about to cry. Like it's just the same. Everything she says is like a little bit tear. Like you know what I mean? Like even as storm as anybody, he's always about to cry.

Halley Barry is Michael Jackson. I'm right in that movie right now. You're thinking we could squeeze it up by 2016? They get it together. I'll tell you where it's going to bite in the ass Steve when you're trying to go for those music rights because let me tell you, a Michael Jackson movie. without tunes from the Jackson 5 and his solo career. You might as well be that shitty Hendricks movie that doesn't have any Jimmy songs in it.

Speaking of that Moonwalker, I would like that movie to take place during the production of Moonwood. Oh, man, that'd be great. You got to do Moonwalker. You got to do the Pepsi commercial. Well, that's all covered in that Jackson movie, though. The Pepsi commercial can be kind of the ending there, yeah.

That's like the beginning of the end. Yeah, that's like the big, you know, that's your big explosion to end your movie. So. Doesn't she almost get hung in this movie by George? I was just to say the end of that by movie is Hallie Barry singing Man in the Mirror and it brings the fucking house down. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, I would love it.

Yeah. Get to the typewriter, say that. It's all you. But yeah, she does get hug in this movie for no effing reason. This is really, really, really, really, really irresponsible on the fucking filmmakers for this movie, man. because what transpires here is a fucking lynching. I'm not even kidding you. Because John Travolta...

What? No, nothing. Because John Travolta has the line stringer up. And you're like, wait, what? And the one black person in his gang. Yeah. And then we fucking sling a fucking rope over a beam in this bank and fucking hoist her up. And I'm like, how is this fucking happening in this movie right now?

like would it have been so bad to put a fucking machine gun to her head like everyone else got in this movie hoist up vini jones oh no well getting hung you make a righteous hack or we we kill viti jones i don't know kill him it's so we burn vittie jones with fire then viny jones runs to a riverside and there's a little girl throwing fucking daisies the river and Vinny Jones wants to play with her and then he accidentally drowns her because he's fucking Guy Ritchie's monster and he befriends a blind monk briefly and Guy Ritchie's Frankenstein starring Vinny Jones a lot of smash cuts yeah that's another 2016 movie that's yes that's Vinnie Jones's Oscar we will most ungrateful Oscar speech ever Vinny Jones

Oh, thanks, I guess. Da-na-da! It's played off. Like, as Vinny Jones ever been to the Oscars, you think? Yeah, he's probably been to the Oscars. Probably 2002-ish. Sitting up in that second tier at the Kodak theater. He's not up with Nicholson.

So she's just fucking hanging from this rafter. Because the middle of, this last act is like, so, you know, Hugh Jack, when inexplicably is back with Trevolta. He does the hack. He gets to the $9 million. He's like, all right, billion. I apologize.

$9 billion. It spreads it all between, like, you know, all these different accounts and then starts walking out of the bank. He's like, all right. With the daughter. Yes, by the way. He gets the daughter. He gets the precious baby daughter who's been saved from pornography.

Thank God. And he's walking out with her. And how a global terrorist saved me from pornography. I read a Newsweek. and so he's walking out and then all the money starts trickling away and he's like oh wait how did this have it's a double triple cross and it's like well now we're gonna fucking lynch this woman yeah here's a triple cross stringer up says the movie fucking goddamn you skip woods and he now he has to do another super quick hack and it's hilarious because he's like well I think she probably has exactly

60 seconds to do this and it's like is anybody gonna blow me or what I just I can't do this hack unless someone's blowing me yeah and that's when John Travolta gets on the floor Gabriel I don't know what John Travolta's doing but Gabriel definitely exactly and it's such horseshit because Hugh Jackman is like oh yeah well I couldn't even break the thing that I just put into it so sorry you're never going to see your money

cut to stringer up cut to we're going to kill your daughter and Halliberry and he's like well alright I guess I could break it in 60 seconds Come on, movie. Make up your mind with that stuff, man. And, you know, he gets all the money. So it takes us 14 minutes for him to get the money, lose the money, get the money back. And then we get in the bus. And we let Hallie Barry down from the rafters and then John Travolta shoots her in the chest.

Which is just... She was DEA, Stan. She was DEA. Oh, thanks, John Travolta. You're welcome. And she's a convulsing on the floor. Gonna make a change. in my life

I'm pushing for it man hashtag I have the man in the mirror Start scoffing up blood If you want to make a world A better place Take a look at yourself Make a change

So they're on this bus And it's a horseshit Because remember everybody At the beginning of the movie Which was technically 45 minutes ago in the movie timeline. John Travolta was doing all that nonsense

about talking shit about dog day afternoon. And, you know, blobbity, blobbby, flibb. He's going to get the plane and the bus to the plane and they're going to go off. So what is going on? Skip Woods is just hucking rocks out of that glass house. Oh, yeah. Fucking take that Lumet of Steed.

Yeah, he's got a moonroof to huck rocks out of his glass house. Sidney Lumet's just like, God, this neighbor next door is just really obnoxious. it's out of control and I hate living in Los Angeles you can't get a good bagel there's the one deli it's always crowded

the pizzas for shit oh don't get me started on the coffee so we're on this bus and we're going to the airport because now it's the end of dog day afternoon and Gabriel's fucking jerking off on the bus because he's fucking teaching

Sydney Lumetta lesson it'd be great if he was just jerking off on this one and you check with like you're really you know amp up the crime. It really would. It's called Public Indecency Stand.

I just stole $9.5 billion and I'm jerking off in front of people in public stand. So it's like, all right, we're going to go for the airport. He's got this like police caravan to take him to the airport and then what a shock. He drives through a police barricade and oh my God, he's not going to the airport. Uh-oh. And then a fucking copter comes down. Coptor shot. This is the, this is a classic copter.

shot. Hashtag copter shot. Because this copter comes down and attaches itself to this bus and lifts the bus off the ground. And we have this fucking goddamn dumbass line from this FBI agent where he's talking to Zach Grinier. And it's one of these lines that's like supposed to be funny, but it just falls on its face where it's like, uh, sir, the bus is no longer on 10th Street.

And Zach Gronier is like, okay, round up so and so. We got to figure out where this bus is. And he's like, no, sir. the bus isn't on 10th street and he's like well what are you fucking talking about son we work for the FBI every second counts stop playing these word games are you trying to tell me that a copter came down and took the bus off the street is that what you're saying son because this is the FBI and we are meaning business right now he says it's airborne but it's like you should have just said it was above 10th street that's what I would have said I mean we got a little skipwood's junior

on our hands. Speaking of a junior, this is Michael Bay Jr. This whole, this is Mickey Mouse Michael Bay. I mean, we've made fun of Michael Bay on this show. Uh-huh, I can do it better. I mean, the American military is wonderful. We've

made fun of Michael Bay on this show quite a bit, but I can guarantee you if Michael Bay directed Swordfish, it would be a much better movie. Absolutely. It just would have been. It really, really would have been. And so, yeah, we're in the air and Finney Jones is like, oh, I made it through

three fourths of this movie. It's time for me to die a horrible death. But first, I'm going to threaten to shove my gun up Hugh Jackman's butt. His rocket launcher, Eric,

this is when Chekhov's rocket launcher is introduced. And he's fucking yelling at this guy for looking at him. He's like, are you there? You're like looking at me and my rocket launcher.

Wow, you keep looking at me. I'm going to shove this rocket launcher right up, be a butthow. I'm just like, man, oh man. Thank God the credits are on the way. And Judge Evald was like, I'm almost there. Keep talking. Gabriel.

Gabriel. And so something, something the wind wasn't accounted for properly. Oh yeah, you're saying that it's not the best idea to lift a bus filled with people strapped with bombs

by helicopter. Not the best idea. In the midst of a chase. Okay. We're wearing proximity collars. Yep. Yep. So we fucking hit a building.

We hit a sign. One of the clasps breaks. So now the bus is flying all willy-nilly. It's at an odd angle. The back door, the bus opens. And out goes one of these hostages with Vinnie Jones attached like tandem skydivers. And you just see the worst explosion ever against a side of a building. It's so bad.

And he's like, no fire out of it. Oh, yeah. And also, one of the offices that hits into, you get to see all these yuppies. Oh, yeah. These yuppie ad execs. Take that, yuppies. Did my awesome movie crash into your stupid office? Knock, knock, it's my awesome movie.

That should have been the name of this. Sorry, yuppies. My awesome movie has a two. o'clock with you. Blam. It turns into a slim gym commercial because it's just like, they're just like, oh, well, the campaign is very important to us and we love money. And it's like, what?

Then the macho man comes out. I was like, ooh, look at that building. Aren't thou bored? R. IP. And the Kool-Aid man comes in, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry.

Is that Harvey Firestein? And Harvey Firesteen was the Kool-Aid man? Was he driving the bus? An Oscar for Harvey Firesteen. 2017, Harvey Firesteen is the Kool-Aid man. He's got it, man. Harvey Firestein fucking rules. A Pixar Direc.

A Pixar Kool-Aid man. I'm in Kool-Aid the movie. I'm in Kool-Aid the movie. I don't really have a lot to do in it. Oh, this is the scene where the punch bowl gets kicked out of his house by his hateful parents. And this is the part of the movie where I'm a little pitcher. Now the punchbowls Trying to write plays in New York

Whilst working as a receptionist And he can't spit all those plates at once I would love it Coolie at the movie 2017 Pixar No you gotta give those Pixar movies Time to get made That's like a 2020

So we land this bus on a roof Because the fucking copter's going down And, you know, Travolta's like, it's been, you know, our chess game is at an end. And it's like, is it? You fucking moron, just get out of this movie. The dumbest fucking movie terrorist of all time, John Travolta in this movie. And he wants, you know, he gets to do a helicopter. And like, this is when this movie really fall, it's been, it's been done.

But, like, the logic of Hugh Jackman's character makes no sense. So he hates John Travolta. He loves John Travolta. He hates John Travolta at this point because he's, it's, it's, he's, he He's killed Hallie Berry. Right. And because he's blown up that other woman and like, right. And also he's now a terrorist that are basically is involved in striking against office

buildings in Los Angeles. You've become everything you hate Adrian. And, and he also is saying like, Gabriel. I don't like, oh, Adrian. He's like, I'm going to buy these nuclear weapons. I'm going to, if somebody fucks with America, I'm just going to fuck a nuke him, right? And he has this dumb ass line on the bus where he's like, he's like talking to a huge accent about like all these things that he can buy.

And he's like, yeah, I know people, I can buy, I can buy nuclear warheads whenever I want to. If I, if I buy six of them, I, fuck, I even get a discount. And I'm like, in what situation did you find yourself in where someone gave you the information that if you bought six nuclear warheads from that person, you would get a discount. Again, you're big moron terrorists. He's just on the bus and there's some terror. Yeah, if you go to a different country, you can get six nuclear bars out of discount. And it's like, oh, really? oh fuck i'll get a discount that sounds fantastic hey there gabriel it's george w bush again

got some warheads uh unload taking down to crawford but you won't you meet me there and so he's like oh my god i have to kill this guy for america for lady america and maybe he's a little upset about viny and jones i don't know i don't know may maybe i don't know you know life's a life william william may poller has also been murdered at this point because zack reinier ordered a sniper to take him out, which is what caused that woman to get blown up. Yeah, was that whole chain reaction. And Don Cheadle, by

the way, has left the movie almost entirely. Yep. Yeah, he's way behind. He was not, once that bus lifted off the ground, John Cito, or Don Cito was just he lost the movie. Yeah, he's the next time, baby.

He just lost to go, even though that was Terrence Howard's line. But it's the first war machine. It's a great line to associate with a war machine. With any war machine. Any and all war machines. Passed presence, James Avery, the late Great War Machine. Is this movie over yet? So he gets in, he gets to, almost Eric.

Hugh Jackwood's like, for America and like grabs a rocket launcher and blows up the helicopter. And I'm like, oh, the movie's over. Cool. Then we go to, we go to the FBI morgue. And even though this thing exploded. Yes, blown out of the sky. There's a perfectly fine-looking John Travolta puppet that just has half of its face burned. And it's like, oh, wow, this is his final resting place. And then, of course, because I'm so fucking stupid, Skip Woods needs to remind me what his brilliant screenplay did in the middle of the movie.

And it's like, we do the rewind like with the fucking clone. And Hugh Jackman gets it. And instead of being like, oh, fuck, this guy's out there. Holy shit, Don Chittle. We're best friends. Let's go track this guy. He's like, son of a bit. And it's like, that doesn't make any sense.

You can't do the son of a bitch thing. No, you can't do the son of a bitch thing. Also, again, Don Cheadle, worst FBI agent ever. He's like, all right, Hugh Jackman. Well, you win some, you lose some. Have a nice life. And I'm like, no, he's going to jail for something. No charges whatsoever.

No charges at all. And also, don't forget, in that movie rewind business, we are reminded because, again, we are stupid morons. Misdirection, Stan. Yeah, we have to hear the goddamn Harry Houdini misdirection shit again. And then it's... He didn't care about television, Stan. Misdirection, Stan. And then you just, you see John Travolta and all his cronies running down the stairs, like, behind the helicopter.

Nealism, Stan. So it's like, oh, son of a bitch. And we also see that Halliberry is part of his crew. Oh, right, because they mentioned that there was, they got all the. bodies and Hallie Berry's body wasn't back at the bank. Yeah, it was missing. I was like, wait, what? And it's like, Don Chitel's like, well, you better

find it because bodies just don't go missing. And Hugh Jackman's like, oh, I get, son of a bitch, they really duped me. Cut to Hugh Jackman on a road trip with his daughter. They're just sightseeing, who cares. Cut to, like, Naples or wherever.

Hallie Berry goes into a bank, gets all this money out. But it's so stupid because it's like all from behind and she's got a wig on it's like long straight hair and you know who could this be I don't oh I think that might be Hallie Barry there's fucking three women in this movie okay a little seven year old

girl Drea de Mateo who we know to be murdered and fucking Hallie Barry who we know whose body is missing and who does she meet but John Travolta as primary colors I know I was saying the exact same thing John Travolta who

has taken Hugh Jackman's frosted tips from the beginning of the movie. He's got a great... He looks like Bill Clinton. And he's got these fucking contact lenses in that just give him different eye colors. And he looks like an out-and-out Bill Clinton robot in this movie. Watch this, Helly.

This terrorist's out there eating bonbons on a yacht. Oh, I'm going to blow up those bonbons, one bond at a time. We talk about hangover movies, primary colors. great hangover movie that's like oh yeah that's like you got a real bad one and it's like i don't want anyone to yell about anything you put on primary colors and you hope it's on basic cable with all the commercials you know what i mean because it's just a lot of level-headed stilted conversation that's that whole movie but so then it's like john travolta's on this yacht she gets all the money and then it's like a news report like blah blah blah a fucking terrorist

blew up on a yacht and you're like oh john travolta got his $9.5 billion and now he's just going around John Travolta terrorist killer, end of the movie. Well, the end of the movie is a yacht exploding. Yeah. Really bad CGII yacht exploding. Yeah.

And it's cut to more fucking Paul Oakenfold music. And I mean, I think 50,000 wads of funkery. Funkery. At this point, I think we're supposed to be like kind of on John Travolta decide a bit. Well, that's the thing, the movie,

and because the movie does exactly what John Travolta said dog day afternoon should have done. Yeah. Right? It's like... Suck. Yeah. John Travolta's shitty version of Dog Day afternoon.

Like, he fucking gets away with it on a plane. The boyfriend gets the sex change operation. So in this case, it's John Travolta and Halle Berry putting different hair on. That's like their change, right? And then they go and live their life with their money in a different country. Yeah, you know, Pacino really should have used that scenario in order to get nine and a half billion dollars to hunt terrorists. I ran Contra wouldn't have happened. It wouldn't have.

That's true. Because Pacino would have been there. John Woikowitz or whatever the guy's really was the dog. There's a documentary coming out about the dog that I saw at New York Film Festival. It's a wild ride that guy's life. The dog. Oh, man. So is anyone going to recommend Swordfish?

No. It's silly. It's stupid. It's really, really dumb. Wow. You just hack the words out of my mouth. I'll tell you this. I'll find you one guy that's going to recommend minute 38.

Man, all the other minutes, all the other 140 minutes, not so much. Minute 38, brother, that's where it is at. I just can't, I mean, I can't find a fucking cyber thriller to recommend to anybody. Like, in my thought, in my head right now, I was like, find a cyber thriller to recommend to someone. It's kind of impossible. And it's a hangover movie, again. Enemy of the State? It's not very good.

It's certainly not very good, but I could watch Will Smith just do his thing. Gene Hackman all over the place. He's eating pretzels. That's fun. It's like an internet version of the conversation. It's okay. Yeah, I mean, obviously watch the conversation, but like, enemy of the state's all right? It's all right.

Evil speak. Oh, yeah. I would definitely watch Evil Speak over Swordfish. That's a guarantee. Early episode of the show. where Clint Howard hacks into the devil or something question mark the devil possesses his computer makes him kill all his schoolmates it's basically

carry for nerds is what evil speak is yeah watch evil speak there you go I think a pig eats a woman in that one yes so watch evil speak that's swordfish from 2001 directed by Dominic Sennah boo boo this man you want to get a whole lot

of us or find out more information about the show check out our website w hmpodcast.com i'll say this we've been getting a lot of new listeners which is always great a lot of new listeners love it a lot of people writing in saying hey guys uh either on your app or on you know my podcast stream uh where are episodes 100 and back they are on our website exclusively so you can check out the entire back catalog it's for free yeah yeah uh wm podcast dot com click on the episodes tab, there are direct streaming links that you can either click on to stream or you can right click, control

click, and save them on your own computer, put them on your iPods, or if anyone's got a Zoom out there, one of Zoons, can put them on that too, I guess. But yeah, they're all there. Episodes 100 and back. They're all there. They're all available. They're not unavail. A lot of people are like, oh, it's a bummer, I can't get these

old episodes. You totally can. It's all totally free. WHMpodcast.com. Click on the episodes tab. They are all there. right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com we've said we're going to do more and more and more mailbag episodes so write in funny we hate movies related stories we've been getting a lot of great stuff very excited about all that so write in we all hate movies at gmail.com like us on facebook and follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast rate and review the show wherever you get it check out blame it on outer space erics conspiracy theory takedown show it's also on it's also on it's also rate and review it check that out clue for next week's episode, Eric Siska. Hallie Berry. Oh, my goodness, everybody. And it might be my Michael Jackson biopic.

We'll see. We'll just have to see. So until next week, where we find out if we're already going to make fun of Steve's Michael Jackson biopic, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steve and say that. Eric Siska. Take it easy.

Thank you.