We Hate Movies - S4 Ep163: Catwoman

Episode Date: June 24, 2014

In this week's episode, the 4th annual Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza continues as the gang tackles the Gotham-less, action-less, interest-less Catwoman! Why is this movie not set in Gotham? Is Benjamin Bratt's character really named Tom Lone? And why on Earth does this version of Catwoman need magical cat powers? PLUS: The guys take a trip to Michael Massee's Garbage Island. Catwoman stars Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy, Alex Borstein and Michael Massee; directed by Pitof. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cavan. Steven Zedak. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you are new to We Hate Movies, you're catching us in the fourth week of our summer blockbuster extravaganza. And if you are talking about it on Twitter, please remember to use hashtag SVE 2014. This week, we're talking about another Halliberry movie, two in a row.

It's 2004's Catwoman directed by one-named artist, P-Toff. Petoff, everybody. I mean, it kind of makes sense because I've been thinking about this movie as just a long, like, fragrance commercial. So, like, Catwoman by Petov. Yeah, that's how, if they had done that, like, if this was just boiled down to, like, a three-minute commercial, that's fine. Content-wise, you're not going to lose anything. Like, story-wise, you wouldn't lose a lick if you could boil this down to three minutes. I mean, you might lose Sharon Stone in the fold, and that's just all positive for you.

I was going to say you'd lose her tired performance. I heard on the internet there, the internet talks to me. I don't know. He's finally lost to folks. The internet's talking. I know the internet's talking to me. And I'm listening in. What's that internet?

James Spader's in the new Avengers movie? Thanks. Thanks for spilling the beans. Drago's going to be Aquaman. Thanks to internet. so what did the internet tell you this time the internet was talking to me it was like hey fat guy look at this and it was the Sharon Stone was in the middle of a scene and turned her cell phone and did not put it down oh yeah delayed filming you know what good for her I kind of agree

good for you Sharon Stone usually I'd be like you know I don't care that nobody cares about this movie how could you how could you is great it's a that's a great place to start how could you about this movie. I mean, Hallie Barry really does show up. To her credit, I think like the movie's on her back. She does do her best, but it's just terrible. The circus around her.

The shitty cinema circus around her is terrible. She's given nothing. And I, you know, we were ripping on her last week, too, but I mean, Hallie Barry's a good actress. Like, she's clearly proven it. But these movies, man, like that, this is the

this one is the post-Oskirts. if I'm if I'm if I'm no no she won at the same I think they both came at the same year because she accepted her Razzie no no no with her Oscar in hand oh that's a big fuck you oh yeah anyone who's ever cared about a it was it was swordfish and uh monsters ball the same year oh was that what it was this is 2004 oh so this is long I mean this had been downward spiral this was kicking around for a while because first they wanted Michelle Pfeiffer to come back in yeah she said no clearly look at the fucking script

Well the guy The writer submitted the script The same day Batman Forever came out And it was like Ah fuck Because he just realized It was not meant to be And then like three other actresses said no

To this thing Like Nicole Kidman said no Demi Moore said no Ashley Judd said no I mean I would imagine Untold scores of directors Said no as well Like slews of directors

Well this is 2004 So, like, we're already knee-deep in the universal craze for superhero movies. I mean, this is post-Spider-Man, and very pointedly so, because this is... Post-Spider-Man and X-Men, too. Both the sequels. But this is Spider-Man, Catwoman as Spider-Man, kind of sort of really a lot. We're using a cheaper visual effects house to do Spider-Man stunts with computers. That's what we're doing.

That's all this movie is. Because she keeps turning into a cartoon every time. Like, she's about to do a Catwoman stunt, and it's like, here comes a car. Cartoon to dance. Frankly, if she started to fly, I wouldn't be surprised. If she just sprouted wings and just fucking, yeah, I'm going to fly now. Well, that's not a cat. You got to remember, the whole gag with this movie is that she's taking on way more physical

traits of a cat than are ever appropriate for a catwoman creation. Zero is the appropriate amount of powers for catwoman to have. Well, I'll tell you this. Like, in Batman returns, like when she's getting shot at the end, it's like how many lives you got. that's a little bit, but that movie's kind of campy at least, you know what I mean? I guess so. Yeah, I mean, not that this movie's basing itself

in reality, but it kind of is, isn't it? Like, I don't know, like, it's this really drab world in which people are living and breathing and like, the amount of fucking time spent in a goddamn ad agency in the middle of my superhero movie. Jesus Louises, the amount of time spent that ad agency.

It's like the worst episode of Mad Men. It's like if Mad Men got mashed up with Saved by the Best, Like, because you got Alex Borstein being the single most obnoxious character in any superhero movie. Just being like the hen pack just like, oh my God, here comes a man for you. And oh, isn't he so attractive? It's all marrying the doctor jokes. Yeah.

It's all, let's, oh, this guy, let's reel him in now. Big hunk of man jokes. And I can't fucking take it. I'm the friend that's not traditionally attractive and I can't wait to get a man. And like, you know, she's just. But it's not just that she can't get him, can't wait to get him in. It's that she can't wait for her good friend Hallie Barry to get a man. And that's fucking worse.

Living vicariously through your other loser friend's love life. Fuck you, dude. Here's the thing. And this is kind of what happens with Spur's. Fucking Kathy cartoon. What's first part of the movie is that apparently a couple of years ago, Alex Boorstein bought Hallie Berry a leather outfit for her birthday. Yes, she bought the,

the initial catwoman outfit. And the message on the box is something like open in case of love life emergency. And I want to fucking go into the screen and strangle this character. I had trouble cutting my ear off. And that's a note I would imagine

to be on the leather suit. I would accept a Catwoman Blu-Rae from you as a birthday present. I'd be like, okay, this guy clitor doesn't know what I like. But thanks anyway. You buy me leather pants. I'm like, take these back. Seriously? You have to take these back. Well, if there's one person in our circle of friends that I know couldn't pull off a pair of leather fans, it's probably you.

Now, turning to comic book expert Steve Sadek, how is this movie not based in Gotham City? I mean, comic books expert Steve Sadek doesn't need to show up for this episode. Because, well, it's not a, that's the thing, there's nothing about comic books. No, there's literally nothing about comic books. I was actually curious because I know there's like a, like, D.C. has its own catwoman book line and stuff like that and I don't know if they're like Batman and with

Robin and whatnot how many people have played Catwoman and things like that like different characters have Donned the Catwoman Cowell so I was like oh patience whatever her name is let's look this up and it was like the the DC Comics Wiki

and it's like two listings and I was like oh okay so maybe she was in a couple comics and I scroll down and it's Catwoman the movie and then Catwoman the PlayStation 2 game. Not one comic book featuring this version of Catwoman. I mean she really does

it's like a mystery men character at this point like she's just sniffing things asking for milk at bars. Dude, drinking the cream. That's what I'm talking about with the cat stuff. I mean and like in Tim Burton's Batman Returns, Michelle

Fiver A, like it exists in a world where everything is super heightened and weird and strange. So if somebody's going to Danny DeVito, half fish man. Yeah. So, like, if she's going to be, like, licking herself, but also, like, trying to do that to arouse people really weirdly, like, that makes sense. Yeah. And, like, eating the bird also makes sense.

But she, like, is trying to eat catnip at one point. And it's, like, honestly, there's one point when she's on a bed with a bunch of empty cans tuna fish, shoving it into her mouth. And I was like, this is disgraceful. I almost threw up. It's like, this person has to eat tuna fish because she's a fucking, cat she she goes out on a date with benjamin bratt and they get sushi and she starts snagging the fish off the beds of rice and just scarfing it down and he's like oh hey you guess you're really

like your sushi huh what am i doing in this movie and then Benjamin bratt and then she like scratches a pole for like 20 minutes it's just that's the check she shits in a sandbox well it's as if the the meeting before this movie happened there was people being like Okay, we've got a lot to draw from. We've got, you know, 70 years of comic book history practically with this character. Okay, that's one table. One table's got, well, you know, it's kind of fun to do campy stuff, but we've already had a black cat woman in that 60s show.

Camp, that's good, too. We've got, you know, like, superheroes are big now. That's good, too. Why don't we make nobody happy and just make, let's just say no to everyone. Let's just flip the table over. All of them. Let's flip all the tables over. The level of magic in this movie, because we're tracing things back,

to ancient Egypt, there's apparently a cat that can live forever in this movie. The king of the cats. Midnight. Who is able, all this cat has to do is like breathe cat breath on you and you get cat powers. That's what this movie tells you. Like at least in the Burt movie,

it's like she falls out the window or whatever happens and like all the cats come around her and they're like licking her and it's... They're like picking out her a little bit too. It's like whatever. It's weird and it's Tim Burtonie, but there's no fucking magic breath. No, it's ridiculous. A disgusting green cloud that looks like the things they would draw when, like, Garfield burped. Well, this cat's made a computer's 38% of the time, which is just...

Is 38% your new code for 100%? I mean, it's at least 98. Oh, I didn't carry a zero. It's 380%. The credits let you... Like, I think this is one of the first movies I would have walked out in the credits. Because, like, maybe I got roped into it. It's 2004.

I like superheroes. I like Catwoman. I like Hallie Berry. Maybe I'll go see this movie. Once I see the credits where it's all these sepia pictures of cats throughout history. Cats and cat women. The cat's and the raid of Catwoman. I'm like, oh, okay.

It's like if there was a basketball game and like one team was the possibility of this being a good movie and one team was the possibility of this being a bad movie, you know, the tip off happens. The possibility of it being a good movie goes up. shoots an air ball, like right into the fucking stands. Clock some usher with a popcorn tray. And then the, the possibility of the bad team gets the ball and does a windmill dunk. I'd be like, okay, this movie's going to get creamed. Because this movie is getting creamed.

It's the Washington Generals versus the Harlem Globetrotters. Like, that's what you're dealing with. They're bouncing the ball off their heads. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, dude. There's actually a Harlem Globetrotters-esque basketball sequence in this movie. And how in the world are you ripping off the daredevil movie? Exactly. How dare you?

You, the fucking stones. A year. A year before your movie. And say what you want about the daredevil movie. It is like the dark night compared to this movie. It's totally watchable. It doesn't hit the mark for sure. I think that the new show I'm interested in very, very much. Super psyched for it.

But it just misses the mark that Daredevil movie. And it's just a little 2003 for everyone's taste. This is like, you can like whiff. You can whiff with a movie. Yeah. But this is like, you sent the little kid with the bat like out into the parking lot. And you were like, swing now! That's how hard this movie misses it.

So we're basically ripping off the crow. Like, yeah, it's a big, the day I died, I was reborn, fucking kill me. And we're taking the wrong parts of Catwoman, because, like, again, that's not what the Catwoman character is. It's like a put-upon secretary that gets back at the world. The Batman Returns did that really well. It was different. It worked for that movie.

It worked within the world of that movie. Right. This is just like, she's a put-upon ad exec, but she's really an artist. And she's really a graphic designer. Yeah, but that's, yeah, she works as a graphic designer. or in this ad office. But she really is an artiste, though. Don't worry about that.

She's under the thumb of Lambert Wilson. Lambert Wilson. Who was he in the Matrix Reloaded? He was Maga Vanania or whatever. One of those weird guys in one of those weird clubs that wants to have sex with everybody. One of them, one of the vampires or what were they? One of the world architects, I don't know.

Let me tell you, if you put a gun into my head and you were like, tell me right now what those are, other two Matrix movies are about, instantly dead. It's Mads Mikkelson hit your balls for two hours. And it's just like, tell me where Zion is.

I really can't remember. Tie me to a bottomless chair and whip my ball sack with a cat-o-9 tails. I can't tell you what those movies are about. I just said there's vampires in it. There probably are. What are those things?

It's in the second one. They're like werewolves or something. Well, the white dreadlocked fellas. Those are ghosts. Those are computer ghosts Oh, I thought those They were vampires No, no, no

It's all computer garbage God, I really, really hate those movies Um, so yes So my question was though So if she's not actually The put upon secretary Because I don't know

The Selena Kyle history From the comics So what is she in the comic? Yeah, it depends on who you ask It's you know Most of the time She's a cat burglar Who like, you know

So they The world's greatest cat burglar If you ask Frank Miller She's a prostitute Yeah, well, who is it? She's a Muslim prostitute. Well, I mean, she has a vagina. She's a prostitute.

You've got to be a prostitute of Frank Miller's touch. She's a terrorist Muslim prostitute. Well, so wait, so you're saying then, so the Nolan, the Dark Night Rises, kind of got it right. It's pretty damn close. Yeah, I mean, the prostitute thing actually became canon after Frank Miller did it. Oh, for Christ's sake. For a long time. I don't know what they did with this new 52.

I can't be bothered. But, yeah, she's most of the time a cap-Bler. burgling thief, sometimes prostitute. But really, like, she's on the wrong side of the law, but for good reasons, kind of a... Like Batman. Kind of like Batman. But, like, you know, she will steal shit. She's not going to kill anybody.

Right. She's a good character, a really well-defined character. So, like, make that movie. And make it with Hallie Berry, too. I got no problem. She could do it. Why not? This, I mean, it's astounding to me.

How would you leave... You leave out all the DC universeness of this movie, which just, it makes it feel like the movie should have come out and it should have been called Catwoman and it's spelled with a K. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because there's nothing. This isn't Gotham City. There's no mention of a Bruce Wayne or a Batman. And look, if you don't want to show that stuff, that's totally understandable. You're trying to set your own thing. You don't want it to be about that. You need like the little in-joke. Like something, something Wayne Enterprises. Like this dumb makeup company that Sharon Stone runs. Have it somehow, maybe it's being bought out by Wayne Enterprises

for some reason. Anything. Just some little nod that you're telling me okay, Andrew, you went to see this movie in the theaters with your younger sister. It's okay. It's in the DC universe. We acknowledge where this source material is. The thing is, like, this movie came out seven years before

and it was called Steele and it failed. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you realize you have to be better than that. You have to be like, oh, okay, people actually like comic books and they're going to give a shit about it. All right, everybody. We're shutting down production. Turns out we're not being better than steel.

We're going to have to retool everything. I'm going to send a memo out tomorrow. Everybody needs to read it. So Sharon Stone and her husband, they work at this cosmetics conglomerate. There's a boardroom scene in the beginning where Sharon Stone is kind of being forced out because she's old and, you know,

she used to be the face of the company. Right. She's the cover girl. Yeah. And now obviously she's like past 50 and, like, you know, we make a little comment about things. Hello, social awareness. Nice to see you in my catwoman movie. She has some line where she's like, oh, they've been trying to push me out ever since I turn 40. I'm like, oh, oh, I get it.

I mean, Hollywood was successful. Hollywood did it. Yeah, they did this cosmetics company. But I don't understand. It's like a boardroom, but it's also a presentation, and there are giant monitors all over the place. Like, where are we? 360 monitors. I thought it was a war room.

I was like, oh, this is a cosmetics company that's, uh, it's the, it's the cover operation for an actual, like, black ops company. Well, I was waiting for them to, like, change time, like, a minority report, like, he was, like, rewind Sharon Stone back to, like, when she was good. And then, like, Samantha Morton had a panic attack, which you saw this movie coming. She just started to freak it out in that little tub. Go right. Go right. Go right. Sharon Stone, speaking of 380% CGI,

she has a computer mask on her face through all of this movie. Yeah, right? And it's just, I mean, it's unfortunate and it's like shitty, because I feel like she thought, okay, if I'm doing this, maybe I'll use it to like say something. Yeah. But it's not because she turns out to be like the villain and is defeated for like what, I mean, there's so much mixed messaging going on. It's really confusing as to what they're trying to say in this catwoman movie, which actually, now that I say that, probably means they

weren't really trying to say anything. They were just trying to make a catwoman movie. Well, no, because it's not about that. Sharon Stone, in the middle of this movie is fucking nowhere to be found. Yeah, that's true. For like a good, like, I would say 40 minutes stretch, there's just no villain. Well, because we got to play basketball with Benjamin Bratt and fucking go out for sushi and Alex Borstein's got a fucking jaw for minutes on end about how she's so horned up that Hallie Berry has a date. There's a murder mystery that comes up like an Agatha Christie

kind of murder mystery in the middle of my catwoman movie. See for Catwoman. See for crap. I don't think that was Agatha Christie. Who wrote those books? Like M for murder. Oh no. Oh yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

The internet will correct me when this drops. The funny thing is so the first day happens, she gets called into her boss's office. Lambert Wilson's like, oh, you know this isn't the right red that I want. And it's like they're playing it like he's a big asshole. And he is being a big asshole. But like that's what our direction is, baby. If you don't get the red right, you're in trouble. Like it's very important. He's got a certain vision in his head. That's your fucking job. You use the wrong color. You went left

and he wanted to go right. It's a valid criticism by his superior. Now the weird part is he's like, all right, you get one more chance at this. I need this on my desk at midnight tomorrow. Yep. Question mark. Is he Dracula? Like, what? Who sets deadlines at midnight? I can only sign paperwork once the sun has gone down. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

What are you going to do with it at that point? Exactly. You can go present it to anybody, no. The office is closed. Just say you have until, give her till the next morning. Yeah, yeah, exactly. 9 a. First thing Thursday morning, too, sure, fine.

The strike of midnight. I must have it in my hands before I go back in my. my box, do not bring any clothes of garlic. You do not bring a stick. Oh, this isn't the right red that I've on. I'm looking more of a blood

red. I guess you saw that one coming. As I am Dracula. As I am, after all, Dracula. You have a galley proof for this. And the weird part about it is

what shows that this movie was patched together with fucking thread is because, like, The first day happens, and, like, you know, she fails at the big presentation. She distinctly goes to sleep, you know, because, like, there's a party going on next door, and it's like, oh, man, I'm going to get back of them later. But she wakes up, and it's totally obvious that they didn't know how to start this movie because that day happens again.

She's wearing the same outfit. Alex Borstein is wearing the same outfit. So they just kind of didn't know how to do their first day, the day that I died thing? Oh, God. Are you serious? I didn't even notice that. 100% positive that she's wearing the same outfit and Alex Borstein is so it's clear

that they were like redo God damn it And I mean it's also it's a patchwork A fucking like dress down of Hallie Barry, it's not working I'm sorry like her in a schlubby sweater It's still fucking Hallie Berry and guys are still throwing themselves out of it. Well I mean that's the case

with anything right that was Michelle Fiver to use another catwoman related example It's like you know when she's She's the secretary of Christopher Walking in that movie and it's just like, yeah, I get it. Like, she's supposed to be mousy, but my goodness gracious, everybody. It's fucking Michelle Pfeiffer.

Well, I mean, Warkin's kind of hitting on her. Yeah, well, I feel like Max Shrek's taking what he can get. Yeah, probably. Mousier, no. All the prostitutes. Man, he is amazing in that movie. That's one of my favorite Christopher Wackett and

performances. It's so weird and his hair is amazing. He's great. Everything about that is great. He's the best. And I love his son. Zangeef is doing a Christopher Walker impression the whole time. It's so awesome because it's like really

just a cartoon impression. Dad, go save yourself. Get out of here. Nobody cared. It was great. Like, oh, that's, Tim Burton's like, oh, that's what you're going to do, Zangief. All right. You're going to be leatherface in 15 years.

Oh, he's leatherface in those remakes. Yeah. Dude, that guy's had a long career. Good for him, but those movies are wretched. I mean, they just put them out every two years because what else the fuck are you going to do with your, what, $3 million? I guess they don't want to lose, like, the copyright holding on the Texas chainsaw name, so... Or else it goes to Marvel? Somehow did it do it?

Oh, man, Leatherface jumping back in the Avengers. Oh, man, I'm sure Tony Stark would have some sarcastic comments about Leatherface's wardrobe. No, the only person they're pitting him against is Hawkeye. That'd be great Then it's just like Leatherface getting hit With a bunch of arrows It'd be great

So there's I mean there's just really nothing going on In this movie She basically So she gets it done You know She gets her thing done And she has to go

To the factory The Axis Chemical Factory Deliver this at midnight To whom and for what Because the guy's not even there He's not even there. He's off at some fancy hotel with his model girlfriend. Even though he's married to Sharon Stone, whatever.

But, yeah, he's not even there. Well, the other thing is she's like, oh, I need the courier to come, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, oh, really? Because, you know, it's like midnight. Who's open for currying anything? And she's like, oh, yeah, I guess that isn't your fault. I guess I'll just go over there myself.

Well, I mean, if she had called Alex Borson. she'd probably do it for her oh you have to do this but you have to tell me all about that man candy when i get back i just want to throw up i feel like the courier service after 10 o'clock it's like a voicemail that leads you to a drug dealer it's like if you're looking for a drug dealer dial one if you're looking for anything else come back tomorrow well that's i mean that's what dhl stands for drug hauling limited oh man you're blew the lid wide open on that. Yeah, I did it all. But International Courier Service.

So she walks in on their, Sharon Stone is like this scientist is trying to quit because basically they're putting on a new beauty cream that like keeps you, it reverses the aging process but also turns you into a monster, I guess.

So here's the deal. So if you're using this stuff, it reverses the aging process. And you have to keep using it. If you stop using it, your skin like breaks down and then you look like a crackin. Yeah, you basically turn into a crackin. Or you just get like a meth mouth. I mean, that's

what happened to Leatherface. He looked great. And then he just stopped. He stopped using the, the Clareol products that he was given by his cannibal relatives. So that's also, just to get this charming detail out of the way, Sharon Stone's been using it, and the more you use it

apparently, it turns your skin to that of fine marble, which is what she says, which just leads us later to see a bunch of Hally Berry punching Sharon Stone in the face fruitlessly, like trying to knock her down, and it's just like

she can't be hurt. Like, you don't feel anything. Yeah, man, what a super villain. I know. That would really scare me if I was a hero of some sort. It's a corporate executive with a hard jaw. Look out the Joker.

That if you took the cream away from him, would literally die. Yeah, all you have to is steal her fucking ointment and her face melts off. Razal Tass. Razal Gould's shaking at his boots because here comes Sharon Stone

with a little bit of face cream. Killer Crock just hopped on a motorcycle and got out of town. Oh wait, I'm sorry, everybody. We're just talking about people that hang out in Gotham City. This movie does not take place anywhere near Gotham. She can probably commiserate with Clayface.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. He gets it. Yeah. He really gets it. If it's face changing, Yeah, I get it. I know where are you going. So she stumbles upon this secret meeting where the scientist is like, I can't be a part of turning people into monsters. Like he has some line about turning people into monsters.

He literally says that. It's amazing. And then she knocks over a bunch of garbage because she's fidgety and that's what happens. And so... She's got mousy hair, Andrew. That's what happens. Yeah. You knock into things. She's just a real nervous Nelly. And so she knocks into things and she's heard.

And then it's like, send these two security guards to kill her kind of. of a thing. Michael Massey's one of them. Michael Massey. He's in a lot of David Fincher stuff. He's actually unfortunately the actor that killed Brandon Lee. Oh, that's weighing heavy on him. Yeah, he quit acting for

a while. I mean, he's the guy in seven who's where, it's my favorite part of seven after the whole fucking sex capade with the guy, the woman to death. The Brad Pitt is just really hitting on this guy that's running, not hitting on, like really beating down this guy that's running

a porno house and he's like, do you like what you do? And he's like, no, I don't, okay? You're a fucking bread pit and I'm garbage, all right? I know. I get it. I'm so fucking sorry that I fucking run a house where people get fucked today.

It's a bad day for me, all right? What do you want? Oh, would you look at that? I got my fucked to death punch card out. The next one's free. I love it. Oh, I love being privy to homicide. When I was six years old, I was thinking

what I want to do in my life is own a porno house where a hooker gets killed with a knife dick. Mission accomplished. You got a banner for me or what? And how long have you been a detective? I want an astronaut, human garbage. Astronaut human garbage.

I guess I went with human garbage. You know, you can't tell it from looking at me, but I got eight years of medical training at Johns Hopkins but I thought human garbage pays the bills oh so he's that guy

he's that guy and he's like he's also the sinister six is like consigliary at the end of oh yeah I just can't that's a story

oh it's another day that's another episode so they're trying to kill her and then all of a sudden it's like that scene from the fugitive for two seconds she's just like standing outside this thing and I'm like oh that looks like a tunnel

waterfall thing and it's like oh she's gone into the pipes congratulations and you know the dude's like we'll flush the pipes then and she just gets hit with a bunch of toxic sludge or something it looks like shit it looks like she drowns in a sea of shit which would make

sense I dreamt in a sea of Catwoman the movie I didn't see your evil plan I don't care She just sees this like tidal wave of shit coming at her And she's like, I didn't kill my wife She gets blasted out of this tunnel Time Ali Jones is draining the shit river

So she washes up on short Now we should get into this cat That's been kind of following around And by the way, this cat I think his name is midnight Her name is midnight, probably her Should be talking I mean at this point in this movie

Let's just fucking throw it out the window. Go full hocus pocus on. Really, honestly. We're 60 seconds away from Magic Cat Breath. He better be talking. Exactly. But here's how he should not be talking like that. Wise Cracking Cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Oh, Salem. Yep. This was his name. Keep every last line of dialogue from that cat. Oh. Oh, crack talking animals are so obnoxious. Like, sweet genteel animals, fine. but it's a lot of like

I don't even know how it's kind of shitty he's a little shitty to her yeah he is like oh way to fail another test at school Sabrina you ever want to get into college canned audience laughter for fucking 10 years that dumb cat puppet

they have a relationship a bit because she sees the second morning the day she dies the second time that take two of that scene where she wakes up and this cat is like on her leg's like how'd you get in And it goes up onto, like, she lives in a fucking impossible apartment, by the way. It's like, she's crying poverty, not really crying in poverty, but like, oh, I made the wrong choices in life.

My God, I would love to make those wrong choices. You know what's kind of funny is it almost looks like her exact department from perfect stranger. Yep, almost exactly. To the point when she's having sex with Benjamin Brad in it, I was like, that's the exact same scene. This doesn't have the second kitchen. Only one kitchen. It only has one kitchen. I think it only has five bedrooms

Well, she's only a movie graphic designer So I guess that's what So she goes out onto her huge balcony Not balcony, but a ledge Because she's trying to save this cat She's like, oh my God, this cat, I'm like, A, cats are fine Leave a fucking cat alone Leave it alone

Just leave it alone He'll be fine He's a straight cat A, he probably has a lot of shit going on Yep, he's busy Cats land on their feet He'll be just fine, baby, I wouldn't worry about it It's the stupid like, oh my God This cat's up here

I have to save this cat tip for anyone you know like we live in the city you know so we're not we're not wealthy enough to have central air conditioning where we live you know so everybody has

these boxed air conditions window units never stand on one of these things folks because that's what's going on here she's like I have to save this cat I'm so desperate to save this cat I'm going to stand on a window air conditioning unit you wouldn't have to explain it to an eight year old

and somehow this woman thinks she's going to fucking stand on this thing with this cat who's doing nothing is fine on the ledge of this building this is why the cat should talk because the second she starts stepping out there the cat's got to be like no no no don't worry about it seriously i'm fine you i'm cool i'm totally cool just don't come out here please i like high i like high places yeah you're gonna be catwoman soon just relax i've done this a thousand times please just don't oh you're doing it you're coming okay all right fine if you really want to come out here and save me uh please just don't step on that air condition whatever please don't say oh you're gonna uh you don't you don't you know what

You're going to need that bumblebee tuna. So you don't have to give it to me. I don't need it. I'm fine out here. Would you just leave me alone, please? And Benjamin Bratt pulls up, and he sees, he's a cop. He was perennially dressed like he's hosting Saturday Night Live, this entire movie. He's got like this black t-shirt, a smart leather jacket.

It is the smart leather jacket he would come out and do the monologue in. Absolutely. So he comes out and he's like, oh, my God, lady, you try to kill yourself? She's like, no, I'm trying to save a cat. He was like, yeah, you're probably trying to kill yourself. Yeah, the cat. Yeah, sure. They're being great if the cat ran away, and he's just, like, not seeing it.

No, he did, the cat does run away. Oh, is that what happened? It's like a magical disappearance. He's like, what cat? She's like, there was a cat here. I promise. So he saves her. He saves her, he goes up.

She doesn't fall to her death. I only say that because she knows this cat when she's dead on this mount on this, like, I guess it's like a landfill garbage island. It's a garbage island. Yeah. I think it's all the refuse from the city Because she's like way far out And here you go

Here again is a fantastic opportunity To just tie this in Because there's a lot of CGI skyline In this movie like really poorly done Oh for sure So cut to this wide of the whole city skyline She gets shot out a shit shoot Okay

And she's like doing her thing And the cats are coming up and she's on a pile of garbage The bat signal is just up there Sure It's just there A little Easter egg for people looking at that's all for anyone that is unlucky enough to be in the audience just recognize your fucking source material it's all once that's all I'm asking all I'm asking and the only way

they do it which this is why I think this movie thinks it's absolved itself yeah of referencing anything is because they have a picture from Batman returns a still it's a still it was she's like sorting through when Francis what's her name Conroy Francis Conroy who's maybe a retired catwoman. We don't know the deal. You know, is just saying, like, there's been a bunch before you. I'm going to literally throw a pile of pictures at you and you can look at them.

And one of them is just a still from Batman Returns. And so then it's like, well, okay, that's that catwoman. That's not this cat woman. This isn't Gotham. It's okay. It's connected. Lazy horse shit. I hate its guts.

So this cat burps in her mouth and she gets cat powers. I was kind of hoping it was. just gonna throw up on her and then all these cats started throwing up on her and then like she spun into a cocoon and emerged catwoman this like this like hairball bucocci is occurring they're just like all dude and you're right she gets wrapped up and then like blossoms beautifully in the leather outfit oh yeah the whips out oh she's got the whole thing for that point just Do it, man. I feel like that would just look a little too much, like, the way station's born.

Just, like, popping out of an air ball. I want to throw up when I see that. It's disgusting. It's most repulsive things. I hate that movie, but that's disgusting. What a disgusting thing to put in. Troll birth. Gross.

It's gross. And she wakes up on a rafter in her enormous apart. Yeah, she's like sleeping up on a thing because again, we're just cating around. Oh, we can't forget, though. After that cat burps in her mouth, her, you see, their eyeball and a computerized goes from like a human eyeball to a cat eyeball. Oh, yeah. Eat shit and die. I hate you, Catwoman, the movie. Because she doesn't even do, like, and this is when things, like, really go off a ledge. Like, I understand the first movie. She just, she, like, falls and, like, the movie takes care to show that, like, all these canvases break her fall so she doesn't really die in a real world way she just kind of wakes up and goes mad

because all these cats are there and she's been fucked over I don't know what her problem is she kind of goes crazy but that she kind of doesn't they give her a real Jekyll and Hyde thing where it's like when the cat instinct takes over

like she's being a dick to like the boss and everything and then she like snaps out of it and she becomes bookish again and I guess like by the end of the movie she's learned to control when that shit kicks in but give me a break

I don't need that like really I don't need the psychological underpinnings of this but that's not psychological underpinnings that's madness and that's magic madness yeah it's magness okay I don't need magness like Selina Kyle in the 92 flick is just crazy she got fucked over

it's just that fall out the window is the straw that broke the camels back sure she was this close anyway and now she's gone, baby. And that's totally fine. This is goddamn Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And it's madgness and I don't need it.

And also, and this is perhaps just, you know, lazy fat me, but... Oh, that is the title of your autobiography. Lazy fat me. No, I mean, I die and get resuscitated by a bunch of fucking felines. Following you so far. I'm taking the next day off. Yeah, that's a person. And you've already made that midnight deadline.

Well, actually, I guess you didn't because Michael Massey took a shit on your paper afterwards. Sorry, I can't turn in my work. Your henchman's shit all over it. It was destroyed in a tidal wave of shit. It would be great if they were on Michael Massey's landfill. Like, yeah, Brad Pitt, I live in a landfill, okay? Not only do I work here. I live here, too.

Is that what you want me to say? Are you going to eat that fishbone on your shoe? Because I want to eat it. And if I don't want to eat it, I'm just going to put it in my front yard. You know why? Because my front yard is a mass of garbage. Oh, I might just look at it to get the fish taste in my mouth. And once it's all gone, I'll just throw it back on the ground.

And you know what? I'm going to masturbate about this encounter later. Not because I'm gay and not because I find it arousing. Just because that's how weird I am. And because you're going to be thinking about it. You're going to think about it the next time you're masturbating. And then I hope you're never able to masturbate again. Thank you for coming to Garbage Island.

Michael Massey's Garbage Island. I mean, so she goes in, she gets fired. She kind of tells off her boss. This is something I hate. A lot of movies have done this, but this, like, makes a real, it's bad. It makes a real spectacular case out of it is when someone, like, heroically tells off the boss that everyone hates. As soon as the boss leaves the room, there's like a, yeah, you told him, this is like, she won the academy. The thunderous round of applause, this office gives us, like, first of all, you know that dude's totally just right outside.

He heard all of you erupt for roaring cheers for Hallie Bear. But she just got fired, too. It's not like she put the boss in his place. He's like, well, carry on. No, no, he's like, you're fucking fired. And she's still fired. And then they applaud her. Maybe they're applauding her getting fired.

Oh, she's finally out of here. Woo-hoo. I will cheer for that. Q. Oh, what, a night and let's go. Like Alex Borisstein's like, you're number one. Man, it's just, there's a gay character, too, which is just offensive. this guy he's the one that says man sandwich right yes yes which is uh so benjamin bratt in the first like day comes back after like and he's a real creep in this movie because like he she's like oh my god

i'm late for work she runs out and then this is before she dies and turns it into a cat woman she runs to work he follows her to work and says like he's like oh you forgot this i think she forgets her wallet or something yes she dropped she dropped the wallet while she was hanging off of an air conditioner trying to save a non-existent cat her wallet fell out and he's like

oh I forgot you forgot this I really should have on law and order and she was like yeah you really should have and but you know

should of what I could have I mean honestly Jesse L. Martin was better in the role yeah he really you know the chemistry with Briscoe was just

welcome to catwoman sorry this this gay character that is like maybe one other line than this looks up and goes oh my god

man sandwich at 12 The 12 o'clock. Which. Bauga. First of all, I would like to think that a man sandwich is two dudes and then a duder a chick sandwich betwixt the man. Absolutely.

One man does not a man sandwich make. So what are you even talking about? It's at least got to be a trio. Like three hunks are walking down the street. That's a man sandwich. That's a man sandwich. Because at that point, then the arms become the bread. It's just crazy.

It's crazy, dog. but it doesn't make any sense because if the arms of the bread then what the head is like the olive on top with a toothpick through it it doesn't work a man drumstick at best like just say look at this guy coming look at this hot piece of ass anything no man sandwich call for a rewrite like i'd love that actor to just be like you know i we've done this take like 12 times i keep saying man sandwich do you guys think i should say i should say say anything else? Nah, a ptoff, what do you think? No, men's sandwich is what it is. It's in the script. It's in the movie. Yeah, but it's just that, you know, a man's, it's in the script, it's

in the movie. You just think because there's what? It's in the script. It's in the movie. What if you got two extras to just sidle up next to it? It's in the script. It's in the movie. So yeah, man's sandwich. What a failure. What a failed joke. So she gets fired, and then, like, Alex

Borsstein's like, I'm so happy that you're fired. And, like, the weird thing, and I know we're not living in a realistic world, but, like, she never files for unemployment. Like, the rent on this apartment must be thousands of dollars. I need the backstory about a dead grandmother that left it to her or left her $500,000. Like, there's got to be something. Oh, there's a liquidated estate behind all of this. Listen, now that I think about it, though, this is four years before all the bank crisis and the mortgage nonsense. Like, maybe she just got taken for a ride.

Maybe she's underwater with this mortgage. Who cares if she has a job at this point? It's an upside down mortgage. It doesn't matter if she has a job. You're right. She's got a house, though. Not for long. So she's just like, she goes shopping with Alex Boorstein,

and then Alex Borstein, like, falls over because she, which is kind of my favorite part of this movie, she's like, ah, and just goes down. Well, because Alex Borstein also has been using this cream. to land a man. She's got to land that man. And what's interesting is this character's taking the cream.

But as far as I can tell, it only changes the appearance of your face and doesn't cure obnoxious personalities. No, it does not. I mean, if the cream was really doing its job, it would seal her mouth shut. Because the shit she is saying

in this movie is it would also close her ears so that she couldn't respond to anything. Because you're right. Because even with a mouth sealed shut from magic cream, she'd still be obnoxious. She'd be signing one-liners. Sending it off. After Hallie Berry gets fired too, there's still the whole like, well, you gotta ask him out? Yeah. She's like, I just got fucking fired. Can we take one thing at a time here? She's gonna get late. And she's like, I don't care. I just got fired. Like seriously, you're not, you're actually not a good friend to me. You've got this weird fascination on my sex life. And I think you're

attracted to me, which is fine, but I'm not into it. Go get fucked yourself. Seriously. Just give it a shot. You're spending so much time trying to get me fucked. Go try to get yourself fucked for a week. If you don't get fucked in a week, come back and talk about me getting fucked. Just please, I need a vacation from you trying to get me fucked because it's obnoxious. I get it. It's two years before God. Gotham okay Cupid, but like, just go to a bar, go somewhere, go to a, I don't know. Soup kitchen, wherever. Just go. Public pool. Public pool. Gross. So this is where we're at the basketball scene. Because she had stood up, like, when she wakes up after she becomes a catwoman, not only is she late for work, she's also late for meeting Benjamin Bratt. For coffee.

for a coffee date, you know? And he's like, you just blew your one shot with, by the way, his name is Tom Lone. Just stop with this jacket, with this name, with that face. Do you think his middle name starts when A? Tom A-loan. Well, yes, Thomas Anthony Lone. Tom alone. It's a shitty pulp novel character.

It's bad, man. So, do you think he was hoping this was like a backdoor pilot for a Tom Lone detective series? Well, he's left alone at the end of the movie, guys. Certainly is. Alone Industries. Maybe he's going to show up in the Gotham series, possibly? Well, I would love it, but unfortunately this movie does not take place in Gotham City. So Tom Lone would have to be re-loancating himself.

I mean, he's in Botham, so. He's in Botham. he so he's she finds out where he is somehow he's telling all these kids like he's doing like a basically a dare program he's like you can help out with your community man and you can wear leather jackets too and they're like we're poor what's amazing is he's doing all this like positivity shit and then the one kid's like can we see your gun and he's like no and someone like another kid's like will you fire off around and he's like no yeah let's just go play basketball don't they make you wear a suit and tie? You look too cool to be a cop. Are you a TV cop? When do you have time to

work out? And so Callie Berry shows up and she's like, I'm sorry. She gives them a very pointed coffee cup that says, sorry on it. And she takes it. He takes it. He drinks it. And then they play this basketball game. And it's weird because it's like these two, all they want to play, all these little kids want to play basketball against this big adult, this cool cop. They're like, actually, let's watch you play basketball. And then this sexy basketball breaks out. It's the sexiest basketball ever. Inappropriate.

It's, yeah, in front of a bunch of orphans, yeah, it's inappropriate. And this is get ready for some fucking 2004 R&B for the rest of this movie. The soundtrack to this movie is outrageously bad. It's like I was watching an entire season of Living single. like the music is so bad it's like post brandy outliers like it's the ones that really couldn't get it and then everybody thought like oh well brandy's famous now let's sign all these people yeah yeah totally a leah died in a plane crash who's next monique is kind of off the planet now so yeah it's monique and below for the rest of the soundtrack and it's just it's bad it doesn't

fit with an action movie really like no it's just kind of too sexy you know what i mean like And this movie is certainly not sexy. Let's put it out there. Although most of her, like when she's moving in the movie, it's all saunters. It's not, you know, I'm just walking down the street. I'm sexy walking down the street. I'm sexy walking down the ledge. You know, it's not just like I can have a movie here.

What's awesome is the stunt person for all of her fighting is like a male karate champion or something. And my thought was like, so is this guy wearing like a. of fake boobs while he's like fighting Sharon Stone. I mean he must have right? Yeah. That's because they're there. They're always out. But it's weird because there's so little actual

like a person fighting a person because there's so much computer in this movie. She's mostly a computer. And there's so much cutting. No shot lasts longer than a second in this movie. It's like two seconds or bust. There's a scene, I noted this speaking of bad editing. There's a scene

where Sharon Stone reveals to the husband that like this whole crazy maniacal plan is actually her idea and not his and it's kind of like the big reveal of like Sharon Stone as the actual villain like you think it's the husband the whole time

and then it turns out to be her and you're like oh here comes this scene and she's like by the way I'm the villain cut and it's like Hallie Barry doing her taxes or something because this is when this movie really starts to be like you know what we need a bunch of Catwoman

montage. I mean, it burns about an hour to get her to start acting like a catwoman. She goes to Francis Conroy. She's like, throughout all time there have been cat women and you are a cat woman and I'm like, stop it. The only thing worse than like a big exposition scene in a movie is like

an historical exposition seat. Like throughout the ages cat women. No, thank you. Harry Knowles would have walked out on this movie. It's so, you know what I mean? Like, it's just like, seriously, there's nothing even here for me. Like, I can't.

You're giving me nothing in name only. I kept on expecting that she was going to try to, like, get her to join like a Jones-esque cult. Like, a catwoman cults. Like, we are all the cat women. Drink this Kool-Aid. Please, just drink.

You drink the whole pitcher. Halle Berry and Pee-Toff. Drink the pitcher of Kool-Aid. Benjamin Brad, you know what you have Kool-Aid too. And it's just, as she explains, like, the whole thing about the magical blah, blah, blah, like, this cat midnight is definitely immortal. Yep. There's something with the Egyptian gods of who gives a shit. It's all very stupid.

Yeah. Nathan Lane should have played this cat. The voice of this cat. Now we're talking. Now we got a movie. Now this movie's cooking with gas, baby. Nathan Lane is a sassy cat voice. Done.

Sign me up. And, like, at first she's like, I'm not a cat woman. And Fred's Connor's like, oh, yes, you are. She throws a ball with catnip. And again, it's just so embarrassing to watch, to have to watch Halle Berry do this. It really is. She catches the ball and starts sniffing it. And she, like, has an orgasm.

And you're just like, you remember that time you made Monsters Ball? Yeah. You remember that? Remember that time you also played Storm pretty okay into me? movies, you remember that? Pretty alright there. Sniffing that ball, huh? All right. That's what we're doing. She's in character.

She's doing it. Oh, she's a cat. That's right, Chris. Oh, she's a cat person. At this point, she gives herself a sassy haircut with two, she gets scissors in both hands and just somehow magic. Do cats give themselves haircuts? Like, where does

this fit in? Like, Honestly. It's just so she can get that ratty wig off of. It would be funny if Benjamin Bratt like brought her to a pet smart. Just around the edges. You mind if I get a trim? Some spikies, you know, just in random areas. I hate this shit, though, where it's like I'm going to give myself a haircut and it looks fantastic.

Yeah. Like she's just in the bathroom like snips snapping away at this hair. And then all of a sudden it's like something that takes a professional hours to accomplish. And the makeup is spot off. And listen, if I'm going to go out and see, like, because her initial thing is, like, I'm going to go out and I'm going to burgle something. She's got like a little bit of a taste for it. And she's like, I'm going to go out and do something. What are you putting makeup on for?

We need lipstick to go out and burgle. Get a ski mask. Well, she's got to be, you know. I mean, she's going to have a leather mask. She's got the leather mask from Alex Borstein's whatever gift that she gave. And this is something that I hate. The gift that Alec Borenstein gives her, like the outfit is fine. Like, that's a totally fine catwoman outfit.

Yeah. Then when, like, she's real, like, she has to go to Francis Conroy, and Francis Conroy's like, you're a catwoman. He's like, no, I'm not. And then she goes out and does stuff, and she's like, well, maybe I am. And she goes back to Francis Conroy, and she's like, you're a catwoman. And she's like, yes, I am. And then she does the haircut.

And then somehow, in between all that, there's a new, sexier, skimpier outfit that comes out. And it's like, where and why does this have to happen? Like, where did you get it? Why does it have to be sexier? The first one was fucking fine. Professional leather work needs to go on, Andrew. This is lots of money. You can't just fucking...

You're going to take scissors to leather. Good luck, lady. That's why Anne Hathaway's costume in that third Nolan flick is awesome. Because it's just a fucking leather motorcycle outfit. And she's got like the Wayne Tech gadget on it. And yeah, it's kind of funny because it sort of looks like cat ears. And that's perfect. That's what you want.

This thing is something of fucking W.W.E. like diva would wrestle in. You're not supposed to be drawing attention to yourself. This is a big, loud fucking costume. You're right, Chris. She's trying to burgle this high-end jewelry store with the biggest, look at me,

outfit. She looks like Lita. She's going to jump off the fucking top turnbuckle and do something to Benning. Marry the Big Show and then... Man, a Lita Big Show wedding. Vince McMahon, if you're listening. I mean, that could have happened six years. ago we wouldn't know about it to be on TVH. We're going to get 18 emails.

Actually, the thing about Lita is she was once linked to and then I stopped reading the email. And another low point. And I mean, it has to end. Another low point ellipses. It needs to happen is the perfect line. Oh, kill me. Because it's when she she's like, because again, you don't know, like, it's not even like, I want to burgle things. I'm going to be a burglar. She looks at this necklace. She's like, I really want it. And then these other guys break in and she's like, she goes in and then like she does the perfect thing. And everyone was like, yay!

Listen, I saw it in a theater. Nobody said yay once in this entire movie. And it was packed. You think Eartha Kit like went, she probably went to the premiere. Like they invited her special because it's like, hey, look, we're paying homage to what you did

and this is kind of cool. And then she threw up in her mouth when that happened. And her date was just like, Earth, are you okay? She's like, I gotta get out of here. Well, I tried to get the other one. What's her face?

The Meriwether or Julie Newmar? They tried to get Julie Numar to play the Francis Conroy role. Oh, really? And she said, nope. Good on you, Julie Newmire. Say no to that. That catwoman asked. She's like, I could do that or I could go to the grocery store.

Or I can live comfortably off what I've earned already. Oh, that's the weekend of the ceramics Expo. Yeah. Sorry, a commitment's a commitment. Julie Numar stands by her word Oh, also We forgot about the scene

Where she takes down Those noisy neighbors Oh, shut the fuck up Because it's It's such horseshit I wrote a couple of lines down The Real Stinkers And one comes in this

And then your fucking iPhone exploded Because it too much memory was used Andrew, why? Why would you put these words in me? When she goes And she's like trying She goes to the door and she's like, would you mind turning the music down, loud, fake movie party?

Yeah, they're in a sum 41 party over here. And the guy, like, speaking of the big show, this guy slams the door in her face. And she breaks the door back open and, like, jumps on this guy. And she's like, she gets him. She's like, oh, yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to, whatever, bend to my polite request. She goes, let me try the remix.

Yeah. And then starts, like, spraying B. on their PA system, let me try the remix. Let me try throwing up all over the movie theater. And nobody cares because it's one of those stupid, like, whenever there is, and you can always see it coming, too, when you know a movie takes place around a character that's beleaguered in the beginning and it's going to get empowered, when you see the noisy neighbors, you're like, ah, fuck, that's just got to eat up time, isn't it?

Oh, we got to go back to those noisy neighbors at some point and put a sock in them. certainly can't have a fight scene where like Mike Massey gets it or fucking any like any fucking villain hero villain shit in your hero movie please just find it just anything man the neighbors across the street

shouldn't be your villain at all just because they have a loud noise and then you whip them with the fucking soda fountain hose I mean the problem is this is kind of like you know when when Spider-Man like tries to fight like he takes down his first bank robber or a little

someone's mugging someone and he takes care of it. That's what this is. But it's like hyper-stylized. There's stupid dialogue and she's just spraying things with a beer keg nozzle. Like, fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you, movie. And there's no villain to be found because your best hope at that is Sharon Stone,

who probably could have done a good job, but you just don't want her in your movie for some reason. And the other issue is you have two trial things with her thinking about maybe becoming catwoman. Because it's the noisy name. neighbors. And then it's the jewel heist where she has the line, time to accessorize. And she's going to rob the jewelry store. And then she sees the dudes and she's like, oh, maybe I'll take them down instead. What a perfect opportunity. Again, a scene that was already in Batman

Returns and done better. And Batman Returns, it's the same exact scene. Yep. I don't get it. And then, so she wakes up with all these Jewels all over her bed. And then because this ill-defined the Jekyllyn Hyde thing goes on, she returns it and writes sorry to the people, but she keeps like one necklace to make her own cat, her cat claws out of. And this is hilarious

because Benjamin Bratt is looking at this note and looking at this fucking coffee cup that he got from her. The world saved, what a creep. Yeah, oh yeah, this guy's a real creep. Because he followed her to work. He's a real fucking skin wearer. Caught by day, skin wearer by

night. Also, it's a horse shit thing of, this is a huge city and Benjamin Bratz has signed every case. Yeah, he's... Every ding-dong case. Homicides, jewel heists, whatever. Like, all of it. I would love it if

Benjamin Brack, like she brings Benjamin Brat home and she's finally, she's going to finally tell him that she's Catwoman, and she brings out her suit. And he just, he pulls a Levine. Oh, I'm making a shoot too. Oh, that's funny. We both are tailors. And it looks it looks like you. My suit.

looks a lot like you. Not with this suit, just you. Is that human skin? There's a part where she's foiling this bank robbery where she out and out surfs on a guy. Yeah. She like throws him or whatever and jumps on board and is like actually like, not

hanging 10, but balancing like a surfboard or a skateboard. A bodyboarder. Yeah. That's because the fight choreographer was Steve Jobs. You know what I mean? Like there's just nobody at all, nothing tactile. But as I say about this, there's this handwriting recognition scene.

Oh, yeah. So he's looking at both these things. I think she might be catwoman. And so he's looking at this thing. And the guy's like, well, yeah, they're close. But then there's something weird here. This O is more for a people pleaser. It's aimed in this way.

And then this Y on this other thing on the bag, that says that's somebody you don't want to mess with. That's somebody who plays by their own rules. Oh, my God. Look at that. Why? I'm going to start jerking off Looking at that why. I mean, that R is a sexy bitch.

I mean, that R right there means you're a mousy secretary, and then that awe means that your catwoman. And then, like, she may or may not be inhabited by the spirit of cats, judging by that R. Oh, I've seen this one before. This one here that rode on the bag, she's possessed by a group of cats. classic handwriting analysis 101

she is possessed by a gaggle of cats he actually has some line where he's like you get these two women in the room together the place is going to explode or something like that and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about handwriting expert? I studied it in the academy

okay you just Benjamin Brath says in the background like I just asked you if it's possible these were the same people this should be a five second interaction Ted yeah but nobody comes down you because ever since the Zodiac

handwriting analysis ain't so popular fucking fucking handwriting analysis scene get out of here and of course there's a fucking ordering milk at the oh well this is kind of when the movie really goes crow because like she

has like two or three nights of like do I want to be a catwoman and then like Francis Conroy's like you died and someone killed you and she's like well i gotta find that out she's like for the sake of this movie you do want to be a catwoman so she wants to be a catwoman and like first stop michael massey who's like at this club and i just don't know she comes up and she uh she's dressed like catwoman she's dressed like cat woman she finds him picking stuff out of the garbage at the back of the club she goes to the bartender and she's just like i'd like a a white russian no ice, hold the vodka, and hold the Kalua.

And this bartender, without looking cross once, goes cream straight up. Eat, shit, and die again in this movie. Never in this galaxy, nor the galaxy that came before it, has anybody ever ordered cream? At a bar. It's just never, I'm sorry, it just never happened. Okay, maybe you're right, but the guarantee you can put on it is that they never, ordered cream at a bar, in the manner in which she goes about ordering cream at a bar, which is breaking down a white Russian.

Oh, oh, oh, how fun is this as I'm clickety clacking on my emac right in this movie. And not a single cocked eyebrow from this fucking bartender. Nope, just here you go. Sexy lady. Yeah, that makes sense. Warm cream. Whatever you want, Catwoman. Like, hey, everybody, it's Catwoman.

Breaks out into applause. Just as thunderous As when she told off her snooty boss There's a dance scene at this point For no reason Like she's there to fuck up Michael Massey and it's the crow And she's got to beat him up for information

And or kill him Probably kill him And she's like, uh-uh First R&B dance number R&B dance number where she's like Turning around mirror doors Yeah It's like who is this movie for

Who could this movie be for? It's for PTOF Pete Toff made a movie for Ptof Peteoff bought out the neighborhood Peteoff Best Buy when the movie came out This is his birthday present to himself Happy birthday, Petov

Here's some more Catwoman DVDs They're all for you, Petov Thank you, Petov I'm going to jerk off to a new one each night Probably set one to Jean-Pierre Jeanette and was just like, hey buddy And Jean-Pierre Janette just fucking stomped on it No, I will not watch Catwoman

Amid micmacs And she beats up Michael Massey Doesn't kill him And he's like, you don't remember me To flush you down the toilet You remember that time I flushed you You were a human tyd and I flushed you That's how I usually get home

It's the express train back to my garbage island I flush a huge toilet And the shit canal takes me right home Sorry Brad Pitt I don't live with fucking Gwetteth Paltrow, all right? I live, it's me, a bunch of rats that I have named, and

garbage. Now, picture from the goddamn Brooks Shields diet plan guide. When it's hot out, some seagulls come and visit me. That's it. One of them's called Larry. Your house shakes when a fucking train comes by,

you got too many wonderful dogs. A rat thought I was dead, I got it eating my fingernails last night. I'm terrified to go to bed every night. Oh, what's that? The pharmacy across the street keeps its neon sign up all night. I live on a garbage island. Not even a goddamn island.

It's just patches of garbage. I could drown it any minute. I keep telling people it's an island because I want it to sound fancy. The truth is, it could sink at any second. There is a single tree on this fucking thing. My home can submerge itself literally at any second. luckily pizza boxes float in case you were about to ask me yes i do have a bed made out of

pizza boxes precisely two pizza boxes two pizza boxes does not a pizza box bed make oh your landlord took a week to fix the shower head bully for you i live once again to reiterate on a pile of floating garbage. Oh, your fire alarms going off at all times in the night. If a fire comes around here, I'm dead. I mean, oh, man, just

who? And I mean, he is really the most remarkable character in all of this. But the thing is... He's a henchman, and, like, you should beef him up. Like, give him a robot hand, maybe. That would work.

Maybe all you really even need is a scar across the eye or an eye patch you want to ground you like because he's kind of an unremarkable henchman he's just in like a blue suit the whole time that's why when he like when the movie makes you realize that he's supposed to be a more significant hedgeman than not he's the number two you're just like oh wait it's that guy oh crap i haven't been paying attention yeah i hope that guy didn't say anything relevant i mean don't worry he doesn't uh at this point they go on the sushi date. And this is hilarious because Benjamin Bratt is pretty sure she's Catwoman at this

point, but he's not positive. And she's like, he's like, oh, you want to like go out for a movie later? And she's like, no, I have some business to attend to. And at that point, I'm like, all right, I never want to see this person. If you say business like that, I don't know what you're getting up to, but I don't want any part of it. Also, if you say business, you're a B woman. that's not a cat thing at all how do you

forget it whatever movie do whatever you want I don't care anymore I'm just like the disappointed parent that's like you know I'm not mad I'm not mad I'm not mad

I'm just disappointed also this is the date where a ferris wheel breaks down and she saves a kid and she's watching this kid almost plummet to his death and she's like should I use my catwoman

abilities in front of Benjamin Brad who's suspecting me of being cats woman. All right. That kid might die. And where is Sharon Stone during this fucking Ferris wheel seat? I mean, like, it wouldn't make sense. I know it wouldn't make sense. Well, she wouldn't go to a plebeian community fair by any means. But like maybe there's a thing, like, and the funny thing is like, she's doing nefarious shit that we're not seeing. She kills that scientist. And maybe that scientist is on the Ferris wheel. And she's trying to bomb the ferris wheel. And that's what sets this whole thing in motion.

This innocent scientist is just like, oh, I finally have a day off from working at this corrupt cosmetics company. I love community fairs more than anything. Oh, look, there's the old community fair Ferris wheel. What a great time I have on those. I couldn't tell you the last time I whacked them all. One has dynamite on it. Oh, look at that. A bunch of old milk bottles.

Got to knock them down with a baseball. The baseball's a grenade. Is that a thing of C4 in one of those bottles? Because, and I don't even remember, at some point, Sharon, like, a catwoman goes up to Sharon Stone's house looking for Lambert Wilson is like, I'm here to investigate your husband. Now I'm a snake for some reason. She, like, Sharon Stone attacks her with a golf club, too, and there's like, you're like, oh, oh, action scene. And just as you're like, oh, action scene, it stops. you're like oh oh action scene

well this is also kind of hilarious because it's the old what time is it in movies because this happens a lot oh this is a big one for me yeah because Sharon Stone is asleep like 100% asleep and like she wakes up and she's in pajamas and like she starts fighting Catwoman and like

kind of an interesting thing is she kind of plays on Catwoman's like woman power thing and she's like you know my husband's a shit heel you know I can't believe he's out cheating on me right now if you want to go investigate he's at the car like whatever the Cirque de Soleil, I guess.

It's not the Gotham Circus. It's not, it's certainly, no, no, no. It's not the Red Triangle Gang at all. You can't watch it on GNN. And she goes there and I'm like, wait, what time is it if this circus is going on and Sharon Stone's asleep? Like, is Sharon Stone going to sleep at 7 o'clock at night? I mean, maybe she's got one of those, because like Alex Borstein gets those face cream headaches. Maybe it's like Clive Owen and like

Born Identities like oh you get the bad headaches Jason like maybe it's that Like she's got one of the bad headaches And she's just got to go to bed Because that face cream is turning her face marble Or whatever Or who could care And I mean you talk about all the time

About you checking your watch Yeah Wondering what time in the movie it is And like so this scene happens And almost immediately after this scene happens Lambert Wilson gets killed it's right after that right yeah sharon stone like murders him and stages his death to look like catwoman did it she puts like some scratches on his face oh because the other thing too is when the scientist is murdered hally barry's there like oh look at that that scientist is dead and then some like no nothing like yes man comes around the corner and she's standing over the body like a security guard yeah or something so it's like oh cat woman is suspected of murder Sharon stone sets up the frame job and it's like oh now now now catwoman's on she's going to be on trial for murder man it's too late to start the frame job

it is sorry oh yeah way too late in the game that train has this left card left the station you're absolutely right when she entered this this scene should have been like she walks in on charitone just fucking putting a bullet right in lambert wilson and they fight and that's the end of the fucking movie you're you're totally right about checking your watch too because i was watching this at work today and I was like man oh man like I got a lot to do today but I got to sneak out and just watch Catwoman really quickly and I'm going through at lunch and I'm like okay fucking 45 minutes 45 minutes yeah from the golf club scene 45 minutes I was like what else could possibly go on you know what a lot of it is visiting Alex Borstein at the hospital where

she's been since that fainting spell days ago because she just loves this doctor's this handsome doctor and she keeps like faking like new ailments coming up because they don't know what's wrong with her because they don't know that the cream is causing her headaches and everything and the fainting spell so she's like oh i think i have a fever better stay here for another two scenes i got hornyitis hornyitis around this time Benjamin Brat finally goes to bed with Halliberry. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, with all the cat

puns and everything, I was just, there's a deleted scene somewhere which is like, wrap it up, Ben, because I've got feline HIV. Is there really? No, no, no, no. Cats do get HIV. I know, I know that feeling HIV is a thing,

but my God, to just throw it out in the movie like that. I mean, you're talking, I mean, we're all talking about starting to fucking frame job that early. You're talking the fucking the cat HIV. That plot's starting at that moment. In the first 20 minutes of Philadelphia,

you know what the movie's about. I mean, Midnight gets around, baby. He's eternal. He's seen it all. I think he's responsible for bringing it over from Egypt. He's probably got the plague. Midnight lives with an Antonio Benderas cat.

Oh, They have a Halloween party. They dress like sailors or what happens? Benjamin Bratt shows up in a lawsuit. Yes, exactly. Man, yeah, it's way too late for any of that in this movie. I mean, so he has sex with her, it's amazing. He gets up to, like, go into her amazing fridge.

That is a glass fridge, and I'm like, how much money does this woman have? I don't know, but it's filled with delicious bottle de sannie water. Oh, yeah, it is. Oh, man. We had the Heineken last week And this week, it's just like Beautiful blue bottles of sexy

Coca-Cola-owned dissoni water. Well, that and the bumblebee? The tuna seeds and the bumblebee tunas. Delicious bumblebee tuna. He finds a diamond. He's like, oh my God. She was catwoman the whole time, obviously. Oh, no, I just fuck Catwoman.

And he writes a note, which is pretty shitty. It says something came up. See you later, sweetheart. That would be amazing if she reads the note and then sassily just goes, huh, only now something comes up. Nice. Remarking on their shitty night we didn't see. That would be Alex Boorstein's line.

She would call her on her Nokia cell phone and be like, hey, only now something came up. Speaking of shitty cell phones, there's a sort of weird thing where, like, in the golf club scene where Sharon Stone like pretends to side with Catwoman, she's like here take my phone I'll call you when I know where he is or something or when I have more information about my shit heel husband and then it's that night Hallie Berry gets the phone call

and she picks up the phone and on the screen of the phone it's a video of Sharon Stone and she's like hey it's me pick up the phone and then Hallie Barry puts it to her ear and I was just like what is the point of phone is this what the fuck just have a thing that's like Sharon Stone is calling It doesn't need to be a fake future phone.

We didn't have that shit yet. I mean, that's this movie. It's just bejeweled garbage every fucking step. Like, why bother? You know what? Take the money in the day that it took to film the fucking cell phone scene and figure some shit out. Absolutely. I mean, we're kind of at the last act of the movie.

Sharon Stone, Hallie Berry gets arrested, which is hilarious. Oh, it's so great. And the cat comes to rescue her. This scene reminds me of the mask quite a bit. Yep, yeah. She's in the keys Milo get it Oh yeah

I was like what are you talking about I haven't seen that movie in a while The cat Riggles through the bars And she's like Well if that cat could do it Oh don't even Dude this is not how breasts work

As I understand it Like that's What are you talking about breast That's not how human bodies With skeletons inside them work Well we're now going to go to Human Breast resident expert Steve Seda

No With this FBI female body inspected t-shirt on. No, but it's so stupid. You're right. She's like, because the way she slips through these bars, and she's like, right arm, right

tent. All right. And she just like slinks out of this thing. And I was like, you're not Eugene Tooms. Get the fuck out of here, man. At that point, it's like, oh, well, whatever. I tell you about how prison works. I get, like, she just slips out and the door

between the prison and the rest of the police office, the jail, is not locked, I guess? Or maybe... It's just a wide open office. It's like they're working at Google. Or maybe she goes under the door jam, like a fucking mouse. Just no cartilage. Or she just turns into a smoke

monster and just... Just goes out. And she does a... There's a shitty, like, the cop that gave her shit. Yeah. When he, like, put her in. Because he says something like, be a good kitty and she hisses at her. Like, well... Just fine.

But then it's like that guy comes around and he's like, oh, time for his shit. shift change at the police station and she's like oh shift change perfect time the exact few minutes when no police are on duty in the entire city and she just jumps out a window

it's so dumb like no she's not made of Plato she's a person with cat powers yeah that's not what cats can do either you know like so she goes to she's like I have to stop this makeup because the whole thing is they're going to roll

out this makeup cream and it's going to destroy the world. Yeah. So she's just like, okay, I have to stop that before I stop Sharon Stone. So she goes to the fucking factory and just pops all their tires so they can't make the delivery. Like all the delivery trucks are messed up. That's solved because I was so invested in the first place. Heaven forbid Alex Borstein dies of makeup cream or whatever. That's what you want, right? That's the weight of it. That's her thing that's like, oh, I'm going to go visit my friend Alex Borstein. And she goes to the hospital and she's like, hi I'm here to see Alex Borstein and like the doctor goes oh you mean that and it's just and she's just like a face husk and there's like dust still just coming out of her mouth

it's like Tim Robbins when he gets his mass broken admission to Mars yes exactly there's just it's barely a person and I'm like oh thank you catwoman movie and then the patients come I'm sorry I'm midnight comes up to her like yeah I got nothing Not much I could do there. Ooh, eternal cat magic can't fix that. Drowning is my specialty. Do you want to know how to slink through a prison cell door, though? That's the next step in cat magic training.

Look, magic's a pretty broad term. I got you because, I mean, you had just died. This has been happened for about two days now. I can't be expected to be doing this. Time's up on this. That was my one question, though, like they're resurrecting Halliberry and like midnight comes up

and then like all these other cats come up and stuff like that. I was like, does the cat community have to like collectively weigh in and evaluate like, all right, this lady tried to save me by stepping on an air conditioner like a moron. She would really go out of her way for cats. Cat kind and

humankind alike. She gets cat breath. I mean, Alex Boresteen Francis Conroy kind of does house the cat counsel. I would love a Cat counsel is exactly what I want. 25 minutes, please. And she, like, Francis Conroy's sitting on the floor and they're all like yelling at her like a scene from John Adams.

And she's just like translating everything. Oh, you have a good point, Muffy. Oh, now midnight. Keep it down. It's Muffy's turn to talk. It's kind of like the Congress and the Phantom Menace. There's all sorts of gobbledy-gook alien cats just yelling at her. Good job, Sabrina, but get the anchovy out of your mouth. Garfield is an absentee vote.

Always. Garfield, yeah, he's the chairman emeritus of the Cat Council. They won't let Heathcliff in anymore. No, they will not. Oh, yeah, Heathcliff was expelled. Him and the rest of the Cadillac cats got expelled. Much better movie. Let's just face that.

A thousand percent better. Hollywood Cat Council. Oh, Chancellor Fritz. He's the one because he's like a 1920s cat, you know, there's just a painting of him he's been dead for a while yeah yeah they all it's in the meeting in the boardroom though the fritz the cat they have the magic bag on display felix we're talking about oh felix the cat oh yeah fritz the cat's the cat's the like he's fucking and sucking all over the place me he's living forever felix the cat is the one that they have

the painting of on the wall magic bag displayed in front of it just so this is an awesome movie you can't say that on this episode sorry yeah no to be clear yeah all right just in case i i i I missed deleting that line. That line where I was like, this is an awesome movie. Don't take that out of context. I don't mean Catwoman the movie. I mean the fake Cat Council of Hollywood Cat Star movie. Oh, man.

I mean, you'd have to ignore all the rest of this episode as well. The Blu-ray re-release, Andrew Jupin, this is an awesome movie. We hate movies. I'd cancel the show. No, no, I wouldn't cancel the show. I'd sue them. And then I'd go on the air and talk every day. I'd talk myself raw.

I was misquoted on the Catwoman Blu-ray. Is this on Blu-ray? It has to be. It's a movie, right? Who's... Yeah, well, you've got a point there. I mean, it's the $4 bin at Best Buy, but... Who's like, oh, finally, Catwoman in 1080P?

Peter. It's only Peter. Oh, here it is finally in 1080P. Happy birthday to Peter! He just keeps on doing it because he never wants it to be out of print. Oh, this terrible effects will look wonderful on my new flat screen television. Oh, no. It's still terrible.

Pete off is disappointed. My brand new soundbord. It has nothing to do. So she, like, fights Benjamin Bratt at a Cirque de Salee thing. That's useless. I mean, we're at the end of the movie. She goes to Sharon Stone, they're fighting, right? They're fighting.

And Benjamin Bratt and Michael Massey have a fight like that matters? They're just having a chicken, playing chicken to who matters less of this movie. That is a real blink and you miss it, fight scene between the two of them, because who could possibly care? The one thing I'll say about this movie, kudos for avoiding the phrase cat fight. Yeah, I'm shocked. Honestly, I'm shocked. I'm really shocked because look at what we're dealing with.

And the fact that it's not in there means someone just forgot to put it in. They weren't opposed to it. They just forgot to do it. I mean, that was probably the last cut. Of all the cuts, that was the last one he would make. It's also kind of, I don't know why, kind of reminds me of the last fight in Daredevil between him and Kingpin. Yeah, because you're in a big high-rise. There's a lot of broken glass everywhere.

This movie's just rip-wrapping this off, left and right with this dare-down. Which is not a great place to start, baby. You're already just starting with flawed source material. And, I mean, there is a thing where, like, Sharon Stone essentially kills herself. Like, she's like the unbreakable woman, right? Like, she's getting punched to the face. And then for some reason, Halliberry scratches her with her. diamond claws. That's what cuts

through marble, dude. You didn't know that? That's true. And she looks at her, like, she's hanging from a ledge. It looks at a reflection. She could save herself, but doesn't it? It's like, oh, shit. How shallow is beauty anyway. Yeah. Think about it. Everyone's scratched the noodle when they leave Catwoman.

That's for sure. Think about it all the way to the ground, Sharon Stone. Yeah, they do a thing where it's like, Catwoman's like, come on, I'll save you. Yeah, exactly. She's got to be a hero. Yeah, and she just lets herself drive. and there's a it is because again it's just all computers so they're both cartoons when she fought when Sharon Stone is falling to the lobby of this this high-rise building it is the fake it looks so bad and

I'm like why it's like the body is spinning so fast the physics doesn't make sense it's ridiculous she's like a little rubber ball bouncing off a wall it's so weird ptoff cares not for physics Pete off loves beauty and special effects. I love. Peteoff loves finding beauty in death. Peteoff also likes using scenes from Final Fantasy, the Spirit Within, in his own movies. Oh, my favorite, Pete Hoff's Mitespace page in 2004, favorite movie, Final Fantasy Spirits Within. And favorite musical artist, Junkie XL.

That favorite movie. movie list. A close second is Pete Toff's weird homemade sex videos. Volume 2. Not the first one. The first one was, you know, the first time out, amateur. Pete Toff did not know what he was doing with

Volume 1 of weird sex tapes. Volume 2, Petov had it together artistically. You go on his page, Brandy starts playing. Oh, this movie's terrible. Put that on your fucking Blu-ray box. Yeah, so she's dead. And then it's just like, Brat's like, well, I'm not going to turn you in, Catwoman. If I was going to do that,

I already would have. And she's got a horseshit monologue about, she goes back to prison. Like, it's like, okay, no one noticed you left prison. You left jail for the night. Slinks right back in. If you're there in the morning, you never left. And she does. And then, like, obviously, she gets off. And then she gets this. She gets this monologue. And it's just about horseshit this that I had to die to find myself, blah, blah, blah. But it ends with a And my journey's just beginning. No thank you, presumptuous end to Catwoman. What would you sequel out of this?

What could happen again? I don't even know what happened in this movie. Maybe she packs her bags and moves to a little bird called Gotham City. Because this is Catwoman position has been filled. We already got a Catwoman. She's standing outside of the suitcase at the Gotham City limits. It's like, you know, like heroes needed. And it's like maybe there's like a joker and it's a check mark and a penguin check mark.

Catwoman. It's just like filled. It's like a shitty political cartoon. Well, look, I could, you know, ditch the whole cat thing and we could just go with plants. You need a poison ivy around here? No, that's okay. You sure? Yeah.

What kind of cat is your cat woman? Because I'm a mystical cat. Oh, our cat. That woman is better. Has skills and does things constantly. She's consistently written, which is helpful. Actual character. She actually is a very strong foil.

Very three-dimensional. Conflicted. Yeah. Well, let's bargain here. Joker needs a sidekick, right? And just face paint so anybody can be in the role, right? That's been, I'm sorry. No, but listen to me, Simon.

Miss, miss, that's, that's been filled. I've asked you to leave four times now. We'll, uh, we'll hold your resume, but, uh, you might seek, seek villainous positions elsewhere. Even if Poison Ivy needs a number two. That's going to be played by a non-personified plan. Damn it. Can I voice the plan? No. Shit.

That's going to Francis Conroy. Would anyone. recommend Catwoman? I would not. There's literally nothing here. This movie really... And, you know, like, this movie likes to pat itself on the back for being

feminist, even though it's definitely not. It's... Not at all. It also set back female superhero movies to now and forever. Because, I mean, like, there hasn't been one since. And, I mean, like, it's not really Catwoman's fault. They really should have... This sunk all of DC's

movies for a long time. I mean, not really. Batman came out, but that kind of... I still think those Nolan movies don't count as bad. They do not count because all you have to do is look at the Nolan movies and everything else. Everything else.

You can't compare them. Like, 21st century superhero movies, it's Nolan's and because here's the thing, it's only one year later. Yeah. Batman begins in 2005. It doesn't matter. Like those movies weren't affected by this. They were clearly

already in the process of being made when this movie came out, it doesn't matter, man. It's its own thing. I would say almost none of the Batman's matter. Like, you can't compare the Burton Batman's to these things. No, no. They're much stronger movies in every single way. I mean, clearly I wouldn't ask

anybody to watch this movie. No. Why would you ever, like, why would you ever tell a person to watch? What would you learn? What would you even know, after, other than knowing that Halliberry isn't, you know, always good? Yeah. Which I know because I watched other movies after she made

Monster's Ball, so I know she's not great all the time. Right. But, like, what could you possibly take away from this? Do you, is there a world in which, because I think this is an alternate universe that could live, in which this movie is somehow good, or it just doesn't even happen. Joss Whedon pitches that Wonder Woman movie that he wanted to do really bad before Avengers. Uh-huh. That happens, and then DC gets its shit gone. Because if that movie hit, which it probably would have, because it would have been a good take.

Yep. the Avengers wouldn't have been as big because I mean the Avengers would have been huge no matter what but without Josh Whedon it's like maybe 20% less good so if it's at well when was he trying to do that Wonder Woman really right before like maybe 2010 maybe and it was just like he was attached it was happening and then it failed yeah because I remember was going for a while I mean that could have been a thing where it's like it could have it could have reset the course of the rivalry yeah and we were wouldn't be in this position we're in now where they're so desperately trying to wrap all this shit together with these movies that they've announced. They don't want to make good movies anymore. I'm convinced of this. I'm convinced that it's old. I'm talking about the whole fucking spectrum at this point.

Like, really the Edgar Wright loss really turned me cynical on this one. Yeah. Losing him to Ant Man to me, well, not, you know, the disease is known as Ant Man. Itman didn't kill him. He's still around. Edgar Wright succumbed to Ant Man syndrome. No, but like, seriously. Died peacefully in his bed.

He's an Ant-Man now. He's an Ant-Man. Why has this being narrated by Morgan Freeman? Why not? But, no, I'm good, sorry. It's, all the movies now, it's not even, you can't make a self-contained movie. It just, you can't do it anymore because you have to have shoot-offs and sequels. And this guy has to do this thing, and you have to know,

this thing about the back history and this other thing to the other thing to the other thing. I would argue that the Marvel ones make sense and that's, it works in a lot of them, you know, not all the times. Most of them are watchable. Some fail completely. Yeah, but yeah, go ahead.

But the, and now the bat, but I would say the problem is the bastardization which I saw that new Spider-Man movie where they're like, it's got to, now we got to do it. And now this DC, and the problem is this new Batman Superman movie, which is now Batman, Superman, Aquaman.

Wonder Woman's in there. Wonder Woman's in there. Cyborg is in there. I'm pretty sure Martian Man Hunter's going to show up. What the fuck is cyborg? Who is he? Or what? What is it?

He's a character. He's like, he's a Justice League dude. Really? The black guy. Never heard of him. Yeah, he's around. So we're just, I mean, we're wedging in the...

He's in Team Titans for a long time. Uh, I know. Well, so, I mean, we're wedging in, like, the big league guys and the Little League League people, like, everybody's getting into this movie. It's so fucking. pathetic because Marvel has been grooming this shit since 2007 and they've taken their time to build up things and this is just like everybody's just getting jammed into this fucking movie and then we're going to try to expand it out like they're trying to work backwards yeah they're trying to

start with Avengers and then blow out everything and it's so wrong and it's so obvious you're trying to play ketchup it's really bad it's sad is what it is and I mean like I like I mean like DC could have had a model in which like all right Marvel's doing all that like like we're doing Avengers and obviously the numbers of the problem because they make so much more money. But like, we're just going to make really good standalone movie. That would be so good. They tried with that Superman movie and it just wasn't very good. Yeah.

Very good. I mean, it's got its merits. It's got a lot of flaws, blah, blah, blah. But it's got Larry Fishburn. It does have Larry Fishburn. That's something. The one thing about this movie, I will say, that's great is like her race doesn't come into it at all. Like, it's just not even a thing.

It's not a problem. Which is good. You could have really changed. people put some pot shots in there or something and i don't even think the internet gave a shit at this point you know what i mean which is weird because well because it always gives a shit but it had happened in the 1960s yeah i feel like like if someone was like oh god damn it cowley bert and someone was like earth a kid and they're like oh all right man i'm fucking 40 50 years too late complaining about that one people shit a brick with that michael clark duncan they

people are still bitter about it even though that poor bastard's dead yeah it's which it's like whatever dude he's the best part of that movie yeah yeah what do we think about vincent denofrio i'm into it i'm totally into it man i mean the you couldn't have owen from boardwalk empire as your daredevil you've sold you sold me so hard on it which characters owen i don't know if i've even gotten to him yet uh second season okay i might he becomes like stephen bishore me's like right hand all right i'm kind of right i'm getting there he's an irish dude he's a great irish in real life or i didn't know I think so, but I don't know.

I don't know. I'm psyched for it. It's pretty cool. I'm into it. Yeah, but DeNafrio, it's a good, it's a good. And he's just exactly right for that type of project, too, like the budget and everything. It's like, oh, it's smart move, you know? Yeah.

You're doing good things with your money. Yeah. You get DeNafrio who's just, I don't even know what, is living all. It was like eating Doritos living off those fucking criminal intent residuals. He's a great actor. He's a great actor. I will say this to kind of cap off the whole DC. Marvel discussion.

I am legitimately interested in that Gotham show that Fox has coming out. That seems pretty cool. I want it to be good. I don't like the ret... I have a problem with the retconny kind of like...

And one day that person might be the penguin. I just kind of keep expecting some little kid named Edward Nigma. They're like, stop working on your riddles, Edward. And he's like, you'll see. I feel like every episode starts going to like, Y'all see. I mean, I think...

I would hope. hope that they're smart enough to avoid that, but there is a dude who plays Oswald Cobboput. I do believe there's a guy who plays Edward Nigma. Like, it's all there. There's a young girl who plays Selena Kyle. There's like a teenage Selena Kyle. Like, it's all there. I just, I never

like when we all go to high school together for no reason. I mean, I'm sure it could be good. And I have high hopes because it's Batmanie. And like, I think that they know what works with Batman at this point. You would fucking think. Yeah. I mean, you've got, you've got a kid, Bruce Wayne. Yeah. You got Donald Logue, which is a real.

All-star cast. Who's he playing? He's playing. What's his name? The partner. The fat guy. The fat guy from the cartoon? Bullock?

Yeah, he's Bullock. Oh, cool. That's pretty cool. I'm pretty sure he's Bullock, which is great. So I will cap it on that. That is Catwoman from 2004. What, as Steve says, a wretched undertaking this movie was? And don't forget, everybody.

It was directed by Petov. By Petov for Petov. Yeah, this one was by. the PTOF, for the PTOF, and for none of the rest of us. If you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about the show, check out our website, WHM Podcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast, right into the mailbag.

We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Do you like this movie? It's okay to, but I'm really curious why. I would love to hear one person make a legitimate argument for this movie. Go right ahead. I'd be happy to do it. I'd be happy to read it on the air. We've been having a lot of people writing in.

for our mailbag episodes, which we will now be doing once a month. So get your emails in. Weird, we hate movies related stories. We would like to hear about them. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show in iTunes or wherever you get the program. It increases the profile of our little show, and we would greatly appreciate it. Blame it on outer space.

Eric Siska's conspiracy theory takedown show is going strong. Blame it on outerspace.com at Blam Spacepad on Twitter. Rate and review their show in iTunes or wherever you get podcasts as well. Now, clue for next week's episode, history's greatest mustache. Oh, baby. That's solid. That could mean all sorts of things. So until next week, when we find out which push broom we're talking about.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Steven Zeta. Take it easy.