We Hate Movies - S4 Ep165: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Episode Date: July 8, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang enters the back half of their Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza with Tim Burton's depressingly terrible Planet of the Apes! Why not hire anybody besides Mark Wahlberg? Why are we still sending chimps into space in 2029? And what kind of a trampoline budget were they working with here? PLUS: Twilight Zone's greatest "secret robot" scenarios. Planet of the Apes stars Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Paul Giamatti, Estella Warren, Kris Kristofferson and Charlton Heston; directed by Tim Burton. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Manger Jopin. Chris Cabin. Steven Sadey. And we hate apes. Hello, the one. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the program. If it's your first time sitting down with We Hate Movies, you're catching us in the back half of our fourth annual summer blockbuster extravaganza. If you're talking about it on social media, please be sure to use hashtag SBE 2014 Today's. I guess we were all saying we forgot how bad this movie was.

The forgetfully bad 2001 sci-fi remake, Tim Burton. Martin's Planet of the Apes. Yeah, this is the one where I was like, oh, Tim Burton can make bad movies. Like, really fucking bad. Yeah, it's not a good movie. Because Mars attacks I don't like, and I didn't even like when I was a kid, but I knew it wasn't for me. Like, I was like, this is doing something. It's not for me.

It could totally be good and all that stuff. But the, this one was just like, oh, no, this is doing nothing. This is frightfully bad. And it's also like, much like that secret Tim Burton movie we talked about at the beginning of the summer blockbuster extravaganza. This movie, actually, no, that movie feels more like a Tim Burton movie than this movie does. There's no trace of Tim Burton in this movie. Because he has no things, like he likes the design interiors. And there's not many interiors in this film.

Yeah, but I mean, even still with the costumes or something, there's nothing about this that says to me, like Tim Burton made this. movie other than the awesome Danny Elfman music which is probably I think the best part of the movie I turn this on yesterday and I'm sitting down and the fucking score comes on I'm like oh shit we were maybe we were wrong I thought

the same thing maybe I'm coming back to this and I'm going to like this fucking movie and then of course 10 minutes in I'm reminded no well then you start watching the opening credits where it's ape mythology and apes in fucking tunics and you're like you know what maybe I'm right

and the music's just all right. It's the same thing with Catwoman. It's like I don't need the ape chronology here. I don't need like the dawn of apes up until where we are now in ape history. I don't want it. I don't need it. I'm not asking for it. It's not gorillas in the mist.

I don't need to know everything about ape culture or monkey culture or chimp culture or orangutan culture. How amazing would it be if like on some of these like stone etchings it's like an etching? of Sigourney Weaver and Gorillas in the Miss just like teaching that ape how to talk. It's an etching of Matt LaBlanc playing baseball with that monkey. Ed. Bruce Campbell, like, getting mauled by that gray ape in Congo. Or whoever the fuck's in Mighty Joe Young.

In Mighty Joe Young. The remake. I think it's a Shillis Theron. I think she's the one helping him out. Oh, she's farting around in that movie? Yeah, I think she's helping him out. Kyle Chandler and Peter Jackson's King. Kong or awkwardly Jack Black in Peter Jackson's King Kong.

It's just Jack Black at a movie house somewhere. It's like, oh, wow, how does that fit? So if you've seen the first planet of the Apes movie, it's kind of just that, but we have to, like, put some sort of millennial spin on it. Like, there's still a twist ending, but it's not the twist ending you were expecting, which is obnoxious. Well, the twist of the original is, like, it's one of those ones you can see coming a mile away. If you're, I mean, obviously hindsight's 20. Oh, I mean, dude, I guarantee you in 68 audiences were blindsided by that. But it's still, it's set up.

It makes sense. But it has an emotional impact of, like, oh, fuck. Because honestly, it's written by Rod Serling, and the rule of twilight zones are, they're dead their whole time, they're on earth all along, or maybe it's a dead grandmother. Like, I don't know. Or a third one. I would like to add another. one to that which is oh whoops it's a robot that's the other i've been going through some twilight

zone it's like accidental robot like there's that great one where uh uh oh what's his name now it's jack warden is uh oh oh the robot the way where he's where he's no no not where he's the astronaut there's one it's i was just watching it's in the first season jack warden plays a uh uh a manager of a shitty baseball team and this guy comes in he's like hey i have this new pitcher for you His name's Casey, and he's young. And it turns out that Casey's a robot. Like, the dude starts throwing, like, aces. And Jack Warren's like, wow, look at that.

He's got quite the arm on him. And the guy's like, Secret Robot. It's fucking awesome. I'm just going to tell you one thing, Jack Gordon. If it's raining out, we're calling the game. He is not in the starting lineup. There, we'll go off for some bruise later. Define bruise.

I'll just have. dried milk it's actually it was that episode of the Twilight Zone I don't remember what it's called

it's like it's Casey's in the title in some way it's because it's a reference to the Casey of the bat story but I looked up the actor

playing the robot and it was like some dude that went crazy and killed his whole family you yeah I was like

ooh a non-success story so he was a robot yeah he believed he was a robot too that's probably what happened

but in the The twist in this Burton movie makes no sense. I mean, we'll get there to what it is. So, Mark Wahlberg. I was going to say, speaking of unstable leads, Mark Wahlberg. I was going to say, speaking of robots. Speaking of trouble on the set, Mark Wahlberg's in this movie. It's just, they, the funny thing is, like, how conversely, if you had to, like, do the power of how much of the movie of the original Planet of the Apes is based on Heston's own performance and on his back versus how little, how much they keep.

Mark Wahlberg away from this movie. They're like, I can just imagine what Mark Wahlberg? Like, hey, what are you shooting over there? Oh, no, no, nothing. You're fine, Mark. Just go back to your, go back to your thing and play PlayStation 1. Hey, you guys aren't filming subplots, are you? I gotta be in all the plots.

You got subplots? Oh, God. Is there an ape Boston? Where's the ape, Boston? Where the ape red socks? You know, Mark, the Pogs are playing like two towns over. Why don't you just take the day? Just take the day.

I'm going to, you know, do some, me and me and Giamati are going to work on some stuff. I'm going to take the fucking day off. I thought you might enjoy it. They just keep buying baseball tickets. Because he's like not the center piece of this movie, which is not a bad thing, but just hire a better actor. Or just get rid of, like, if you want to really fucking toss one in there, just get rid of the human element. Yeah, and just make it fucking apes doing ape shit. Well, how dare you kill off Chris Christopherson in the first like 15 minutes of this movie?

That was a real bummer for me, because I saw him in the credits. I was like, why don't I remember Chris Christopherson in this week? Because he gets fucking murdered for no reason. It's a real, like, prison shank, too. Yeah. No, I'm not in the movie anymore. Come on, you're sick and shit. You big fucking monkey.

Come on. Oh, man. The way he speaks to Blade. Oh, just do it, your chicken shit. Come on, you fucking kill me, your chicken shit. Take off your fucking dress and do it already. Christ Almighty. That is one of my favorite deaths

To be undone in the second movie But that's fine It's like Oh I forgot I can live forever And it's like Whatever let's just get on with the rest of the movie Instead of just killing me Kiss me on the neck

Leave it son of a bitch blade Don't worry my daughter Jessica Beals on deck for the third And She likes putting on an iPod playlist Before she goes out And starts killing all sorts of vampires Particularly fond of crystal method.

Man, that just might be a stay tuned for this year's spooktacular. So we're in the so far off, so crazy year of 2029. We're all going to be 45. What is that? Like, pretty ambitious society as a whole. Seeing as we're going to have a space station. It looks like one third of Deep Space Nine is like the design of the space. It looks unfinished.

Like it's round on one side and then just flat. And I was like, is they finished that model or what? It looks like garbage. Maybe they just ejected Quark's bar and there was a big hole. Oh, shit. Time for a going out of business sale. No. This is space.

start pinching my nipples now man they should they should airlock that big eared fuck oh yeah so he's a scientist he's a scientist astronaut whatever and like

the beginning we kind of were watching this chimp do a space simulation thing which reminded me that really sad movie Project X oh Jesus never a dry eye in the house with Project X that's the anti-hangover movie Like, because you think it's just a fun, jangly, we're hanging out with apes, teaching them things, but then we're just irradiating them.

Oh, yeah. I can't do any movie where it's like, man befriends ape, ape trusts man, man, man then goes on to kill or give away ape, can't do it. Getting hammered on grief this time. What I didn't understand was like, you know, at the start of the, you know, like our Earth's space space. program. Like, yeah, we were launching some monkeys up there, you know, just to like see what would have. Shucking them up there. Shucking monkeys up into the space, you know, like out into the atmosphere, see what happened to those monkeys, right? But if in this world of 2029, we've built a third of a deep space nine space station, why are we still experimenting with monkeys?

And why, why not just autopilot, baby? Like, this whole movie is fixed by autopilot, which had to exist if you have a fucking space station if over a hundred people are living comfortably in the middle of the universe yeah i'm sorry you can you this is all handled this is all okay you don't have to do too much you have to press a couple buttons it doesn't make any sense and also what doesn't make any sense is they're like like you don't really know what they're doing up there you get a brief mention of all of these apes are genetically spliced to be smarter sure um but you don't know like what they're trying to really study. And then it's like this big purple cloud comes along.

And Mark Wahlberg's like, hey, guys, look at that space storm. And then that other dude's just like, all right, get the ape ready. We're going to send him out into that. And I'm like, for what? For the purposes of what? You're spending all this money on this fucking ape. You might as well just put your magic finger little, you know, your little escape pod there. They all look like little fucking sex toys.

Yeah, they look like vibrating eggs you put in your ass. particularly in your ass. Any hole, I suppose. Any hole will do. And they're just like fucking, you know, joystick that shit, baby. Don't fucking kill this ape for no reason. I don't understand why we're still using apes. None of this answers the question.

There should not be any animal on board in a 2029 space station unless it's a pet for somebody. Data having spot is an acceptable animal to be in space. here's something and I'm not sure maybe you know somebody could write in and tell me I'm an idiot I'm sure they will they have in the past we all hate movies at gmail.com yeah that will do

an electromagnetic storm in the middle of space and it looks like a big old thunderstorm I don't know how that happens exactly I don't think that's plausible well Chris says I'm always reminding you I'm not a scientist

I'm where yeah I don't know it's just a lot of like space gobbledygook. It happens. There's a storm. There's always storms in space, Chris. It's a storm that, you know, makes the Fantastic Four happen. That's

just a space storm. Or it's Galactus in that fucking terrible sequel. What a fucking fart knocker of a movie. That second one is. It existed and you just remind you. It's going to happen. So that shit in the theater. My favorite write your own joke line

ever is Mark Waldberg's why you send that monkey into space? If you want something to do some thinking, you send me up there. And everyone's like, uh, uh, Hey, look, a Celtics game is on. Oh, sick, bro. I didn't know, we got cable up here.

That's fucking sick. We're doing all these experiments. I could be watching the Celtics. Fuck it. And they send this fucking poor chip into death. They send this chip to death. I'm like, hey, monkey, go to that space strip. And, you know, and here's

what's a big piece of cruel shit from this movie. We found out 20 seconds prior to him getting loaded into this vibrating egg that this chimp's about to become a father. Like, it works the same as like any other, like, stereotypical, like, astronaut's story

because, like, he brings the chimp over after, there's like, because there's, of course, a training simulation. Yeah. And the chimp crashes, and Mark Wahlberg walks out in front of a really bad green screen for a fucking hundred million movie this is a bad green screen he's like you failed again chimp what are you going to do

you keep crashing and so he brings him out and then the scientist that he's working with she's like oh hey did you tell him hey pericles you're going to be a father and like this other chimp's like yeah you knocked me up pericles so like

here goes soon to be father pericles launched into this fucking storm and I was like no he's going to be a father Pericles sits down talking about the pool that they're going to put in the big well you know we're going to have this whole space station racket after just one more

mission baby one last mission honey I swear I'll be back it's super safe I just have to investigate this electromagnetic storm so this chimp gets lost and then like Mark Wahlberg's like guys the chimp's gone missing what are you going to do about it Mark the drop kicks are playing oh shit you're sick bro

and instead of like I mean like of course like why on earth okay the point of, if there is a point for the chimpanzee to go in there, not a human being is that, if that fucking chimp dies, you're like, oh, okay, that's a bad idea.

Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, that's... If that pod blows up, you're like, oh, shit, that storm blows up our pods. Like, better not send Mark Wahlberg into it, or any of the other worthwhile anonymous scientists we have on the space station. Hold in all our eggs for now. So the

general's like, no, you're not going out there. This chimp's fucking dead meat and uh mark walberg is not having i made a promise to his wife chip bro i'm a man of my word fuck i agree to be his best man i don't know what you're talking about godfather of that chip's baby pat's game a no i gotta get out there and save that fucking chimp so he steals this thing in the most ridiculous he might as well be like hey guys i'm stealing this escape pod because like he just blasts out of this thing and there's this ridiculous static of like the loading bay or whatever it is and you see this pod like backing out and it's like are you sure no one wants to stop me i'm fucking backing out right now and you see these scientists

like in the background writing on charts just like all right everything seems under control here and only when it blasts off does their computer system go like pod ejected and the general's like wait what the fuck how did this slip past us oh uh general uh because we were getting so many complaints. We put a two-minute delay on every pod ejection. You'll get the warning. There's just a bit of a cue, so... Ah, here it comes. It's got to come from right there.

We should rethink this policy. Let's have a meeting after we rescue Mark Wahlberg. It's either two minutes or immediately, and we decided the two-minute window. Okay, it's okay this time, but the next time we'd like shove a chimp into space. I mean, listen

general, you know, we're in space and everything's just kind of high pressure enough. We figured like give someone a break on these warnings, huh? Just a couple of minutes. Just relax. I mean, that's what the nap room is for, guys. I mean, just so he

gets blasted onto the planet of the apes. Like, that's the one thing I'll give this movie is you get to the planet of the apes pretty quickly. You're doing the first one too, but I feel like this movie could have spent a lot more time shitting around with this scientific expedition. Yeah, because you don't, you know

what's, especially like the first one, you don't know, you know, if it's 1968, you're in the theater, you're like, Planet of the Apes, what's that about? You know, and you go, you sit down. But in 2001, you have an idea that he's going to be in a planet inhabited by apes. So, let's get to the fucking apes.

Yeah, it's very smart on that. I don't think this $100 million budget was necessarily just for Mark Wahlberg, so let's, you know, hurry it up. No, guys, don't you want me to have an existential crisis? Don't you want me to be worried about where I am what's going on mark you know this egg gets the socks game right oh shit bro sick yeah we got all the classics on there we bought one of those uh you know one of those uh all the best plays uh DVDs for

you're all set bro are there any videos of bloopers on there i love a good sports bloomer it's over the credits oh sick bro like a bert reynolds movie bro i love those too you got any burt reynolds movies on there what got a whole bunch of videos for you buddy got a whole bunch of videos let me get in this pod bro It's just Cannonball 3 on repeat, actually, but yeah, it's pretty good. Oh, sick, bro. Any chance you could break me off of peanut butter and jelly sandwich in this deal? Bro, I need a PB&J. It keeps me up, keeps me going.

Keeps that adrenaline up. It's the protein in the P.B. You can actually make it more peanut butter and no jelly. The jelly is sugar. It just weighs you down. So you ever just have a peanut butter sandwich? It's fucked up. The J smooths you over a little bit, you know?

The pee's a little bitter. It's like when you do shrooms, bro, and then you're coming down, you got a smoke a jada, smooth it right out. That's what the jelly does. It smooths out your peanut bread on. All right, Mark.

Am I getting the sandwich? We're trying to make this movie, and we're desperately, as the joke dictates, trying to get you out of this movie. So please stop talking about a peanut bread and jelly sandwich. So, like, he gets to wander through the jungle

for like two seconds, and then he comes face to face with Chris Christophers. It's like, you fucking pussy, run. Oh, no, it's a planet of the Christopherson's. Oh, my God. Who was a planet of Chris Christopherson? Terrifying.

Oh, my God. And you wouldn't know who was actually a pussy because everyone's calling everybody else a pussy. Get your damn hands off me, you son of a bitch. Now I'm going to sing some gentle folk music. But you're all fucking pussies. They all sing in unison and a beautiful voice. Wow, that was heavenly.

Shut up, you pussy. So they're all running from an ape invasion, and it's kind of the same thing. It's like the tribe of people are, you know, they live on the outskirts, but the apes are rounding them up and taking them prisoner. There's kind of a big chase scene who cares. Not nearly enough nets, though. No, there's one net. It's just a net that holds Chris Christopherson, which let me tell you, what a mighty net it must have been. Laced with Adamantium.

It's the only way to keep it. barbed wire. You got lucky, you pussies. And they're taken back and we get a scene of Paul Giamati as like the

chimpanzee or he's the orangutan like human traitor. It's kind of just his character from 12 years of slave which is weird because he's just like, clean him up, get him on the sales floor. I was watching it and I was like, why does this sound? Oh wait a second. This is exactly

what he does in 12 years of slave. You close your eyes and you just see Chaito L. Edgiphorn. You're like, oh no. It's the it's really weird. It's I mean the slavery stuff in this movie is awful. It's undeveloped, unthought of

and it's just like, it's a bad parallel. Like it's, they don't have the first movie has a lot of ideas about like, you know, what is religion and what is fucking, what is a man? Anyway, this was like, I don't know, slavery. It's slavery. It's religion. It's got a staunch

anti-gun thing that it doesn't really follow through on. It doesn't follow through on any of it. No, but it's interesting because, I mean, as we'll get to it later, fucking Charlton Heston is in a movie that has an anti-gun message, which it's like, you fucking idiot. I guarantee it in the contract, it was like, I have to hold the gun. Yeah.

I got to kiss that gun one last time before my character dies. You can say whatever you like, about the firearms, but I'm holding the one fucking gun in the movie. If there is a gun in this movie, I'm holding it from my cold ape hand. But before we get to that, so Paul Giamati's like selling off all these apes, or these people,

there's a thunderstorm outside. This is a spooky episode. Curl up with a good book. So Paul Giamati's selling all these people off. We are introduced to Tim Roth, who's like a general kind of character. He's like the... Thade, is it?

He's like the big guy. bad and then of course helena bottom Carter who is like the ape who is sympathetic to humanity she wants to fuck humanity let's let's just throw that out there she wants to see what that go that Bostonian ding-dong looks like I'll tell you that much

it's just weird all right everybody and there's a scene at the end where they kiss and they holy thunder Batman it's a Dracula movie outside at the end of the movie they kiss

and it was sense out of the Indian version of this movie. And you know what? I agree. You know, I'm really, I'm not... Good for you, India. Yeah, I'm not always a fan of your censorship. But this time around, you hit the nail right in the head.

But what's amazing is, even if you don't censor it, though, like, it's not two minutes later. He's got to turn around and kiss the human girl because, like, oh, bro, I got to get that ape off my lips. It's disgusting. I mean, I got to get going because it has a pain concept. bro you know he also sings like blues songs just get the fuck in the pot and get out of the movie no but i mean he's got a good voice you know it's really heavenly it's good songwriting skills i mean he's it's really smart i mean jump

around's my anthem and shit i play it when i'm lifting weights but you know sometimes you need to cool down you need to cool down during the day and you know what that's where everlast comes in man you know everlast it's like boxing gloves mark please we're trying to make a movie. Oh, shit, bro. I forgot. Sorry, Tim. But their love triangle, such as it is, is hilarious because, like, Helena Bottom Carter is giving him fuck eyes this entire movie. Oh, yeah. And, like, every so often, he gives him back, and it's my favorite, like, running joke of the movie is they

keep cutting back to the bodacious Estella Warren, who has nothing to do in this movie, and it's a terrible actor. I think she has, like, three lines. She has three lines, and she's not a mute character. It's just like, she just literally has nothing to say about the events with Chris Christopherson like he's given no opinion

no but they cut back to her every single time and she has a look of like what's next Tim what's next why am I the only one

who thinks that Helen of Bonham Carter looks more attractive in ape makeup than out yeah am I yeah you're not I don't know I

he's an attractive lady she's kind of just crazy she's always crazy looking she's got a crazy looking look yeah sure but like in movies and out she just looks like a fucking lunatic my goodness this thunderstorm I wonder if this is getting picked up otherwise it just sounds like we're a bunch of babies

oh the thunderstorm we're trying to talk about the ape movie it's gonna blow away our tree house who knew that doing a podcast in the tree house would come to bite us so hard. Hey,

Ma, the headquarters is going to get destroyed. I wake you in a movie that came out 10 years ago.

It's a bad movie. Shut up already. No, Mom, you can come in. You're not a shield agent. You're not a

W.H.M. Shield agent. Can't come into a secret playhouse. Uh, what else? So,

uh, well, I mean, David, David, what's is David Warner's in this movie? As a nothing. Warner.

Warner. David Warner is my nickname for him is, now we're talking, because every time he shows up for the movie, I'm like, all right, now we're talking. And then, like, he's the, he's the best part of that fucking Teenage Mutiny Ninja Turtles, too.

Oh, yeah. I'll tell you that much. He's good in that. He's great in The Omen. I mean, he's just a great actor. He's great straw dogs. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yeah, absolutely.

So he's in this movie. He's an ape senator of some kind from an ape government we don't see. Yeah. Holy shit. If you enter as Senator Ape into your movie, I better see the chambers of this Senator Ape. Coming up next on the $1,000 movie, Chris Cabin in Senator Ape.

But, yeah, you're right. I don't want to, sir, you can't give the bananas to the hostages as well. We don't negotiate with terrorism. That's actually kind of a... That complete non-sequitur is a good segue. For what I think is a big problem with this movie is they don't, we split down the middle, which is a problem. Everybody's very apish in this movie. And they're all like, I have complex.

They're pretty, and then they go on about their business. Yeah, I don't care for it. I don't care for all, for a split second, you're going to be an animal. No, exactly. I do not care for it. You're as smart as a human. You know what I mean? Like, you have ape instincts.

You have ape strength, maybe. but like you're not just like even the ape strength though it's a bit ridiculous like there's like michael clark duncan rest his goddamn soul is throwing people around in this movie like it's a fucking crouching tiger it's like yenwo ping choreographed this shit people are flying stories in the air the trampoline budget was out of control oh yeah oh yeah you're talking at least a dozen trampolines on set at all times to throw these people all over the place Three trampoline coordinators, all right? Like guys to make sure the trampolines are where they need to be

and doing what they need to do. And let me tell you, that's a specialized profession. Those guys don't come cheap. You need someone to coordinate your trampoline activities? You're paying through the nose. Yeah, because they're always trying to get you for more trampolines. You're trying to sell a shot that's definitely got one trampol. Oh, no.

You need three trampolines for an ape jump. Look at that. He jumps up in the air. And listen, the wind velocities a certain way. He goes off an angle. There's no third trampoline to catch him. That's a broken leg. Look, you really want to hash this out?

Or do you want to see a monkey fly? That's my question to you, Tim. Do you think that you can actually make these people fly without a bigger trampoline? You worry about the story pencil deck. I'll worry about the fucking trampolines. I'll worry about making movie magic happen with trampolines. You got to bring on three of my guys. Oh, yeah.

That's the thing with trampoline guys, man. There's always some guys that he needs. It's too big of a job. job to do alone. All right, Tim, you want to go and throw Michael Clark Duncan into the air? Good luck. All my faith is in you, pal. That is a big boy right there is all I'm going to say. A big boy in gorilla makeup. Oh, you're going to need the premium trampoline package. You do know that the world's biggest slingshot is in Nebraska and not in Los Angeles. That's transport. You're going to pay transport fees

this thunderstorm is really distracting you know what mother nature you're ruining this conversation sorry so we go to the first first first we all get sold as slaves

there's a really creepy a little girl that wants to a little ape girl that wants to buy a little human girl and it's fucking terrifying the the whole ape children thing really creeps me out in this movie oh yeah I think this might be the closest like

Burton-esque thing you have going on is these little like and they're all like little they're all dressed like like little Monty Burns like 1920 sailor suit kids you know what it's like it's like we're just talking about this movie before we went on the air

it's like an insidious when they have that little person dressed up as a sailor and he's dancing to the record and it's like and he's like that's what these little apes remind me of and I'm just as terrified as I wasn't insidious. And there's just really weird, so it's, it's, uh, Paul Giamatti's ape, who is named Limbo.

Um, um, and this, the, the little monkey is, uh, Thade's niece. Yes. Or whatever. Or whatever. Tim Roth. Yeah. Uh, and she's picking out a little human for herself that she's going to put into a cage later. It's like you get, like, uh, like, uh, American girl dolls.

Do you put them in cages, though? I don't really think so, but I mean. I mean, some girls, hey. But again, like, it's not funny, and it's not, the movie isn't supposed to really be that disturbing. But, like, still, Giamati's like, oh, yeah, you'll get a good little, look at this little treasure. And he's, like, rubbing her hair. And he's like, I got a good collar for this human. And you're like, dude just stopped.

Tim Roth kind of apes out of him. This is one of the times where he's like, ooh, ah. And, like, yells at him. And I was like, did he just ape? He made an ape sound? All right. I guess we're aping out in this movie. Oh, we're aping.

apes out all over the place, up and down. But it's a really weird, like, are there rumors about Paul Giamatti's orangutan, like, going around the ape village? You know, like, listen, if you're going to go buy an ape from limbo, leave the kids at home. Look, I went door to door like you asked. I told everybody. I hate how I always have to move.

It's ridiculous. Oh, man, that Chris Hansen ape really taught me what's what? I went to this ape house With a bunch of ape records and candy bars A bunch of ape condoms Left me waiting in the kitchen Like an ass It's a Tratman Hanson

Entrapment, Ook, Ook, Ook! They air that shit on Ape TV I was ruined I was ape ruined Hanson Chris Hanson as an ape Still would have a pedophile Catch-all show You still have a full suit, too, while he's doing it.

Hey there, Oook, Oook. Sit down, Oook. Why don't you have a seat right here, Ook, Ook. I'm going to leave. No, no, no, please. Just sit right down. I think I'm going to leave now. He's running.

We have an Ook, Ook, we have a runner. I was just trying to get some human slaves. And I mean, like, we go to a party, and now we're talking David Warner's house, which is fine. and he's doing his best you know he's got nothing to do you this is what I don't get you have an amazing actor on your hands and you just let him shit himself away into the rest of the movie

I mean that's kind of everybody except for Mark Wahlberg in this movie right has David Warner worked with Burton and other things was he in Sleepy Hollow no could have been but I don't think so I mean there's a lot of pasty fucks in that movie he could sleep in the background but speaking of pasty fucks we all

also have, as a big old baboon, the dude who played Otho is hanging out. And he's, of course, some, like, a fete delegate of some kind. And he's got some sex, the sexy ape ladies in this movie. You could roll up smoke and keep in your lungs for the rest of your life. Hold that shit in, bro. Sexy apes get you fucked up. This is really weird. It is.

It's uncomfortable. She's just like, hey there. And she kind of looks like the mother of that Russian prostitute that Tony Sopranos sleeping with, like with the fake leg. Yeah. Kind of, like a little bit, not really.

But I'm just like, why do we need the sex factor here? Sex is all over this movie for no reason. Nakes are getting it on, man. Here's the odd thing about it. Is that Fox, like, they were going to make the relationship between Helen and Bottom Carter ape and Mark Wahlberg Heyb. Oh, sorry, human.

Human. Quote, unquote, human. Dude. Mark Wahlberg, dude. Hey, Tim, when am I getting to my ape makeup? Oh, fuck it, bro. The Bruins game is on. Oh, dude, are we in overtime? Oh, shit. Dude, it's sudden death. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, sudden death. Oh, cool. Can I bring the real life inspiration for Turtle to set?

Oh, shit, bro. Can I bring the real life inspiration for the fighter to set? Oh, he played the real guy in the movie, too? Oh, fuck, bro. I didn't even watch it. I fucked that whole thing up. I'm sorry, Chris. Sorry, yes. So Fox wanted to make, like, Fox boycotted them making the relationship, like, a center of the film.

Were they supposed to be DTF? Yeah. Well, they were supposed to be, it was supposed to be a romance. It was supposed to be, like, a romance between them. Fox said it was too weird. Yeah. And yet they let this out. All of the whole movie, like, I mean, it's even weirder because you're split.

the difference you know like it's just this weird like they have fuck guys the whole time and they're almost like but i would close up to each other here's the thing i would rather see like you play it old hollywood right like they come together they start you know ape making out and then like listen maybe they like fall down on an ape bed and you ape fade out yeah you know what i mean and instead what we have is because that's a confirmation something happened but you don't have to it. Instead, what we have is the fuck eyes. And then what you're realizing is like they're thinking about doing

all sorts of dirty ape human related things to each other. Not okay. And there's no confirmation of what those things are. Like at least if I just see him kiss and you ape fade out. It's just they kiss. Imagination runs wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. But within

a certain parameter. Yeah. Like this, it's like, I don't know what you're thinking. You're freaking me out. It might be genteel rather than whatever the fuck Otho ends up being going to do in his bedroom. Because at the end, Charlton Heston goes up to Kim Hunter

and he's like, I'm going to kiss you on the lips. And she's like, but you're so ugly. And it's like, thank you for making the movie understand that we could never, ever have sex in any way, shape, or form. I'm going to go fuck that other one over there. I'm going to fuck that quiet one. We're having a dinner party.

Yes, all right, the dinner party. My favorite part about, like, Michael Clark Duncan is my favorite part of this movie. He's the best part. Yeah. And his character is hilarious because he's all into this ape religion that no one else gives the shit about. And he's just, like, everyone doesn't give a fuck except for really weirdly religious Michael Clark Duncan ape. And everyone's talking and like no one's saying grace.

So he goes, bow your heads. And it is hilarious. Yeah, he's got to praise the ape overlord before they eat their meal. He's just like, praise Simos. you came from the banana trees and like it's just like this crazy stupid religion but he does it with conviction and it's funny and it's awesome because he was a fucking god damn amazing actor he was he brought up everything he's in everything he's in he elevates any time he's on screen in this movie it's kind of a good movie yeah and then it cuts back to fucking mark walberg watching

hockey it's just bad again but uh so they're having this and this is where we get like, it's the real layout. It's like the exposition train pulls into the station where you find out like Helena Bottom Carter has been fighting for human rights for a while. She keeps bringing humans into the house. She's David Warner's daughter. He's not really cool

with it. And, you know, Tim Roth is like the general who's from this, like, prestigious family. Supposedly he's like a descendant from the fucking ape overlord that we'll get to at the end. Seimos. Yeah, sorry.

sorry about that. I forgot their god Seimos. The ape got Seimos. What? Why is everyone looking at me? And you also get something about like, this is what I felt at least. Like there was supposedly an arranged marriage

between Tim Roth and Helena Bottom Carter. Like they were maybe friends as like little ape cubs. Yeah. Or whatever you call a baby ape. And then like as they grew up, like David Warner was like, well, of course they'll get married, saying to Tim Roth's father with,

which is Charlton Heston in this movie. And then, like, it just didn't happen because Tim Roth's, like, a maniac. And she, like, listens to all cool ape records, you know? Oh, yeah. And she went to Ape College and really came back a different person. And he stayed around. Listened to Ape Beck a lot. Did a lot of ape sit-ins.

Meanwhile, Tim Roth's back at home. Just listen to Ape, Toby Keith. Ape not. Ape not. The system of an ape. Oh, man, system of an ape. Power man, ape, 1,000. Or I guess power ape, 5,000, whichever when you want.

You finish your joke, man. That's fine. Ape zombie. He's listening to all of those. Nickel ape. Like, that's when he cooled down. That's like now he's listening to Nicola. Now he's listening to Nicola ape.

Dude, I would listen to Nickel ape over Nickelback any day or week. Clearly. So it's like there's some infighting there. Never made it as a wise ape. Couldn't make it as a poor ape. Stealing, I loved you, ape, I loved you all along ape. So ape away an ape too long. I like the way you wear your ape hair.

I like a way you're on your ape knees, whatever that fucking weird blowjob song. That's about him just getting a Canadian blowjob. Oh, thank you. Shad Kroger. No, there's so many unnecessary vowels in that name. sort of umlaught over that e by the way possibly like trog's ale or whatever I apologize

no I don't apologize I mean so now we break out of David Warner's house because Estelle Warren and everybody all the important characters become slaves at David Warren's house and Mark Wolbe was like I'm pretty smart I could break out of this

and like he breaks out of the cage because no one ever fucking thought of that before and it's not even the problem is they don't make it out in the original movie the humans are stupid the humans can't speak they have undeveloped brains and have no idea what fire is or anything right but these people

are talking and like totally fine but they're like I guess we're just slaves to apes you know what I mean like and Marco's like yo bro these these bars are made out of wood you could break these oh wow thank you so what you got to do bro is take a stick and put it in between the rope knot and then you just twist the stick in a circle until it breaks you break out that's all

can you get a pack of Marlarets can get those in here bro can I smoke in here I can blow this whole damn bro I can smoke in this ape prison bro I just might stay all we need is some butt heavy tall boys

bro you get a couple of springsteins in here put a poster up on the wall and that'd be so bad oh mercy go down to McChimpies and we'll just have a drink Mick Chimpies and like

I feel like there was a scene in which, like, maybe Chris Christopherson died of old age or something. It's like, nah, fuck it. I got to die. Got to kill me by ape. And you got to gut me like a fish. It's the only way I'm going down. It's how I've legally determined I will go out in real life.

I'm going to go out like that in the movie. It's in the will, by the way. Kill me. God damn it. You, God damn, ape. Kill me. If I die of a heart attack, nobody gets fucking anything. If you see me going down from a heart attack,

You better gut me like a fucking fish. You want a red fucking cent of my millions. Christopherson's millions, by the way. That's a movie I'll watch. It's the first person to murder him. It's just four people sitting in a room like, uh, you think he's really got that money? It's like, uh, kind arts and coronets.

They're all just trying to fucking kill him. So, yeah, we're breaking out. Does everybody live in the same house in this movie? I don't know what the, The ape village, I mean, is so, everything is brown and gray, and it's boring as sin. Yep. And everything looks the same, so I don't know what, like, the layout of Warner's house ends and wherever fucking. Well, because they, when, Paul, whatever the fucking Othos house begins.

Because when they break out of the cage, they're run, it's like out of a Scooby-Doo cartoon. They keep running through different people's rooms. Yes. And they're all in, like, different states of getting ready for bed. And Otho's getting ready to have some really wild ape sex. Like, it's getting gross. Like, he's got his arms up, like, here it comes. And then, like, the, like, the lady apes, like, got her arms just ook-ooking up in the air.

He's fucking licking pieces of papaya off his fingers. It's, I wanted to fucking throw up. I would say this. This movie has one star. If they go all the way and have hardcore ape sex, two stars. Like unsimulated, weird, but no, the humans come in and they jump up like monkeys go, ook, ook, ook, and it's... The two of them, no joke, jump up and hang from a chandelier.

A single, chandelier. Yeah, what is the fucking support structure of this lighting apparatus, man? Well, I kind of think it's like, because nobody's knocking on a fucking door in this movie. So, I feel like that's one of your main... watching it like, man, no one's fucking knocking this movie, and it's pissing me off. He's not a fucking door. Every last one of them. Would it kill you as shit?

They run through like the little girl's room and they get the little girl, the little human girl. He puts her in a cage. He's like, good night. And I'm like, fucking hell. What movie? I just almost watched two apes have sex. Now I'm watching apisidious again. And

I just can't. Hilariously also, Paul Giumati in his bedroom is hanging upside down like kind of brushing his teeth or whatever is going on. He's using rose petals as like deodorant. Oh, that's right. And I, all I could start thinking about was fucking

dumbass American beauty. And I was like picturing Paul Chiomani as this goddamn orangutan like dancing and doing like cheerleading and Kevin's face. He's just watching roses come out of his chest. And then I threw up again. There's so many times in this movie

when I almost throw up, it's insane. The Giovanni scene where he's putting rose petals all over himself. The one thing, the cut that was made is they cut out the ape webcam that he's in front of. An ape chate, ape roulette or whatever he's doing. Just ape dicks. Just nothing. Another ape dick. Another Giamati ape dick.

That's it. Between all of these, there's also... Between all the rudeness. All the rudeness. There is also a Mr. Magoo ape who's fucking taken out his dentures and putting his... sleeping cap on i think that was uh who did the the ape effects for this i think it's it's baker it's it's baker i think that's the ape that rick baker plays because he's credited as like elderly ape oh all right you know why you can't tell because this ape doesn't have a

beautiful silver ponytail like rick baker's head is i think rick baker came out of the womb with that gorgeous silver pony that's how they pulled him out by the the umbilical cord worked differently for rick baker is all i'm gonna say he's coming out of pony tail first. And it's like pure silver shit. Oh my God, does she have a pony in here? I'm like, oh no, it's just a little Rick Baker.

And we escape. And this movie stalls out. I mean, so we're on the run and that sounds a lot more exciting than it is. You know what I don't need in my Planet of the Apes movie? Like a fucking road movie coming in out of nowhere. And we're just going to Mark Wahlberg's homing

beacon that he's got. He's like, bro, all I got to do is tune on this gadget. And then like all the apes are like, you use your magic, human. He's like, bro, it's not magic. It's science. Look. Look how scientific this is. Bro, I'm going to text my brother, Donnie Wahlberg. See what he's doing. Oh, my God. He's having fun. I wish I was with him. Yo, bro, my bro, Duttitz is at the Sox game. You know, my bro Duttitz has cancer, right? It's a real bummer. Oh, man. My bro, my had a really rough patch when he showed up naked in Bruce Willis's house. Oh my God, I think he killed that guy. Bro, did you know in that movie he was dead all the time?

That whole time I'm watching that movie, I'm like, there's a guy he's on a date. And he's dead. How does a ghost go on a date, bro? That movie's so stupid. There is a one pink hair separating Mark Wahlberg impression with snagglepus. Like, literally, it's just one pink hair. Oh, the Red Sox game. Same difference.

That's ridiculous. So we're on the run. And the whole thing, he's like, he's like, listen, all I have to do is get to this homing beacon. My folks are going to come. They're going to get me. And that's going to be end of it. It's going to be great. I'm going to get off the planet of the games.

I get up this dirty ape planet. And like, hell out of the bottom card is like, excuse me? Now I want to fuck you just a little bit less, but just a little bit. Because I still want to fuck you. I'm going to fuck your brains out. I'm going to fuck your human brains out. I'm going to hate chip fuck you. And then cut to Estella Warren.

You know, I was in that movie Driven. I was pretty helpful in that film. Also, I'm kind of, you know, Benson's arch nemesis. What? She's got like three episodes where she's playing the same like con artist who's trying to undermine. Benson. Yeah, you're right. Oh, I forgot all about that. She's got her mother involved. It's a whole fucking thing. Yep. Yep. Oh, you're totally right. Right. I was right, though. She's in that movie Driven. She's in Driven. It's Slice Stallone and Bert Reynolds and Bert Reynolds is in that movie. I never saw. I think of Berndt Reynolds is in that movie. I know Slice in it. I mean, like, we're just on the run and we're just kind of learning all about, there's, Like you said, Chris, all of the exposition is just spoon-fed to you.

And, like, so much of it's unnecessary, we learned so much about Michael Clark Duncan's character, who I like, but means nothing to the story. Absolutely nothing. Which is unfortunate because, like, you would think, especially because his character, you know, spoiler or whatever, at the end of the movie, like, turns and becomes, like, pro-human. And it's like, let's work together. You would see those cracks earlier in the movie. And the horse shit is, it's only until, like,

What he believes to be, like, his religious vision, like, comes true that he's like, oh, no, I've been totally mistaken. Humans are good now. Well, because they very lightly set up that him and Thade are like best buds. Because Thade literally gets on a horse, and he's like, you know, my best friend. And it's like, okay. Wow. To be completely honest, I didn't see that coming.

Thanks. We haven't talked since junior year of Chimp College. And now all of a sudden, I'm your best friend? I thought this was purely professional. When was the last time we hung out? I would love to watch a curb your enthusiasm with the two apes. Look, I'm not saying I won't get a beer with you. Of course I'll get a beer with you.

You're, you know, an acquaintance, but best, best friend. It makes me feel uncomfortable that I have to then reciprocate that you are also my best friend. But aren't we best friends? Well, that's what I'm trying to display to you. You're all friend. Aw friend. I have several friends and one best friend that doesn't happen to be you. This is the first I'm hearing of you thinking that I am your best friend.

Would you like to meet my best friend? It's a really nice guy. It's orangutan. He lives over on the south part of the tree. Speaking of just real quick, because it's another thing that makes me throw up. And it happens twice in this movie. We'll just get it out of the way now. Dialogue references to the first film, which I just.

want to vomit because Michael Clark Duncan is the first of two actors that does it and it's they they invert it because oh isn't it just creative it's like Chris Christopherson like tries to fight him and he does the like get your hands off me you damn dirty human and I'm just

like oh fucking really like did you expect the movie theater to explode when that happened somebody must have he he mugs it a bit he's like get your hands off me you damn dirty human But it's also like, okay, if you like went into Kate Blanchett's house

And like, it's your first time And the first fucking thing she does is show you her Oscar I was actually She doesn't even let you get in the front fucking door She answers a door with the Oscar in her hand Like that's the big line everybody knows that line Everybody's waiting for don't go for that big one man Go for the smaller moments

Which brings me to And this is this summer blockbuster extravaganza. I've had a lot of like in theater stories and whatnot. I have one about this and it occurred at this line. So when this movie came out in 2001, me

and Chris and a bunch of our friends were working at the multiplex that I've mentioned a billion times on this show. And we were all super excited about the Planet of the Apes movie. And so, you know, as we did a lot, we watched the movie the night before it comes out. And we had a teacher in high

school that really, really, really loved Planet of the Apes. Like, the first one was like one of his favorite movies of all time. He was a big sci-fi guy. So we invited him. And he was like super stoked to come. He was really excited that we let him in and blah, blah, blah. Well, don't we get

to get your damn hands off me, you damn dirty human? This guy stands up. And I was like oh, he's got to go to the bathroom, I guess. And I'm sitting on the eye, you know, like a good aisle seat, put my legs out. And he spots me. And he spots me and he comes up and he leans in

and I'm like, don't ask permission to go to the bathroom, dude, just go to the bathroom. And he leans in, he goes, ah, thanks anyway. And left the fucking theater. He didn't even fucking sit through the whole movie. Smart man. Very, very smart man.

The other line is Charlton Heston, who plays Tim Roth's ailing father in the movie. Who has a gun. He's got a gun. He's holding a gun. He's got a gun. and when he's

he's dying he's telling Tim Roth like you have to take care of these humans you got to take care of this pesky Mark Wahlberg human and he does He looks so stupid Trashed me

You'll see And he's got this like Blaster in his hand that he's got You don't know how he got his hands on it just yet But he has the fucking damn them Damn them all the hell line Yeah And you're just sitting there

Throwing up All over your living room watching this or at least i was i mean the the the new one has it it's got get your hands off me you'd stink it but at least it's like it's a bit of a throwaway it's kind of a joke because it's fucking draco malfoy doing it draco melfoy who's got a great career in playing unlikable characters there's some i don't know what movie it is it came out this year it's about uh matthew good has an has has has like old england has like an african american daughter Bell. Bell. And all I

Schmaltz Fest of the year. I saw the trailer and all it is is Draco Malfoy being like, well, she's disgusting. And I'm like, yep. Un desirable. Yeah, I'm like, I get it, Draco Malfoy. Nobody's supposed to like you ever again. I read some article where

he's like the poster child for why you shouldn't pay kids millions of dollars. Oh, really? Like, I guess he like burned through all his Harry Potter money and had like tons of debt and had like all these cars and shit. The whole article was about how he had to hire a money manager and like he's just doing all these shitty movies so he can like not be in crippling debt. That's kind of unfortunate. That sucks. Yeah,

it's a real bummer. And I mean, speaking of fucking, you know, blowing Harry Potter money, Tim Roth. Oh, man. Well, let's talk about it. We always love like the, the casting rumor news. Tim Roth turns down the role of Snape in Harry Potter, who is in every single one of those fucking movies. Made famous by the amazing actor Alan Rickman. Who is great in it. And I'm really happy he got it. But I'm also kind of interested to see what Tim Roth would have done with the character.

But I can just imagine like sitting home the dark nights for fucking Tim Roth. I imagine he's thinking about that. And he's just being like, man. Well, it's like that part in Aladdin when they're in the room full of money and Abu grabs a coin and it all turns to nothing. I mean, that's what it was with fucking Tim Roth, man. It was a room full of money. All he needs to do is cool his shit and choose the right way. But this is what's, it's fucked up, though.

But think about it this way. Like, if you're, like, a grown adult actor who's, like, working pretty consistently. And you have no fucking clue what Harry Potter is, right? Like, it's 2000. It's 2000. You have no idea. And you're like, oh, okay, well, fuck. Like, they're offering me this thing.

I don't know. I'm playing a fucking wizard. But this is the planet of the apes. It's Tim Burton. And I'm the main villain. It's some fucking boy magician directed by Chris Columbus, whatever. Yeah. And you just, I mean, it sucks, but I can understand why you would be like, the apes.

It's a new ape franchise. Like, it's going to happen. Burton's doing the first one. He's probably going to do this sequel. I read the whole script to the end, so I know there's a sequel coming. And I'm a statue at the end. Wow. Hey, wow.

Yeah, like, who knows what my character is going to go on to do? I mean, who could even imagine it? Yeah, no. Long nights. hard times for Tim Roth turning it down man in his second home but still yeah I mean he's doing just fine

he's not poor he's working actor Tim Roth but yeah man that's I mean dude that fucking Harry Potter role that's like that's your retirement check Alan Ripon doesn't have to do work anymore he's going to do work because he's an actor and he likes doing it because I

choose to precisely out and I mean I don't even know Like, honestly, it's a very long stretch of this movie where we're going through the woods and we're going to this secret temple called Kalimah, which, A, I'm like, oh, cool, Indiana Jones, you know? I kept thinking it. And then I was like, I was like, fucker, man.

I don't even really like Temple of Doom all that much. I mean, I like it. It's an Indiana Jones movie. But, like, fuck, I wish I was watching Temple of Doom right now. Do you, though? It's an argument for another day. Shockty day, baby. So we get to

We get to Kalimov finally After this Goonies-esque fucking Treasure Hunt where we're getting all the background that nobody wanted about the religion of the apes About Seimos We see Michael Clark Duncan Prey

It a little hut And he's got this thing Oh Seimos you delivered us from ape hood It's so fucking fun I never thought watching an ape prey Would be funny but it is It's one of the funniest things I've seen all week.

This is an ape saying prayers. We get to what, you know, Mark Wahlberg's Holman Beacon, my spaceship's right here. Oh my God. It's an ancient spaceship. Am I an ancient alien? Like, it's like, oh, great. And obviously what happened was

they went through the time tunnel to his spaceship, that is, and they crashed thousands of years ago because the time tunnel isn't explained at all. Not at all. You know what, Steve? That's what makes it mysterious.

That's what makes it kind of scary, right? Like, oh my God, I know nothing about this time tunnel. It could be anything. It's really ill-defined and shitty. Oh, my God, that's kind of scary. Fuck, bro. The Knicks are playing the Celtics and they might be beating them. I got to turn on ESPN too.

I mean, like, yeah, so 3,000 years ago, those apes that they had on their spaceship came out and revolt. It's the whole space station crashes to the ground. Which is something. Like, you had said to space station. after one asshole pilot? Well, because they kept blowing all the fucking pods on the goddamn ape.

Expeditions, man. That's why you don't blow all these pods on apes. They had nothing left. They were like, all right, somebody go after him. What's that? Oh, fuck, we've got to take the whole station in. Oh, Jesus. This is going to cost us.

Who knew 2029 was going to be so stressful? I just, I like the idea of them, like, sending every egg they have. And then it's just one, it's like, Mike Ellis left in the fucking station, be like, well, what else the fuck am I going to do? And it goes right in. Because that whole thing is crash landed.

Yeah. And buried in the sand. And that's like the origin. Because, yeah, it's like you were saying. That space station isn't supposed to land everybody. Like, I want to see the deleted scene where they're trying to figure that shit out. Oh, shit. Everyone's yelling.

Like, we shouldn't be doing this, you know. One third of deep space nine ain't supposed to land on a planet. You know, it's a little weird to be putting rockets and fuel inside your space station. for travel. It's a station. It stays. I mean, stationary. Honestly, all I could do is manage

the trampolines downstairs, but you should not be landing this thing. Like, does it look like it has landing gear to you? It doesn't look like it has landing gear to me. You want me to put wheels on it. Tim, you want me to put wheels on your station. I'll be over here with the tramps. That's what we call them in the business.

Tramps. you ever sleep on a trampoline it's a great time great for you back so tim roth and gets his whole army and his best pal michael clark duncan like he keeps it's hilarious because every fucking 20 minutes he keeps stopping and being like but you're still my best friend and like yeah best friend are we still going to karaoke on saturday just triple checking we're still best friends right I will not ask Helena Bonham Carter to go out with you Just pass her this note You had your chance in ape high school

There's a fucking dumb sequence where like they raid this ape outpost or something Well apes are so scared of water Andrew Even though it's a culture that builds houses They have to bathe themselves for sure And they're so terrified of water Like they're fucking vampires and it's sunlight It doesn't make sense It's so stupid

And this is the time where you really see some aping out Because like they run to the riverbed And hell on a bottom carter like doesn't want to cross it Yeah And Mark Wahlberg's like just get on ape woman I'll carry you And they like kind of swim across And all these apes like run up to the water

Just like ah fuck And then just start like huck and flaming rocks at them It's so stupid And it serves no point in the story whatsoever. And it doesn't make sense because they're practically people. And they should know what water is. They should have boats. There should be a fucking ape Navy.

Yeah, I mean, without her, take the ape out of that sea. It's a city slickers scene. You're totally right. It's, I mean, here's a question I had just because we're at this point. We're talking about crossing a river. Yeah. Which makes me think of like old John Ford movies or something. I'm thinking about horses, right?

Why is it, and it's not just this movie, it's the whole planet of the apes franchise. Why is it that it's just ape people and then horses? Nothing else. No birds, no lizards. A dog of some kind. There's nothing. It's just apes and horses.

Not even a bug, not even fucking cockroach in the entire series. You don't see shit. It's just these fucking horses. And I'm like, where did they get these goddamn Palomino's from? If they're all ape people Where are the fucking horses coming from? It makes no sense Robert Redford ape is just fucking raising horses somewhere

Just talking to him Swissoring Oh pardon me There you go There's a little phantom menacing going on here as well Which we can't Because it's 2001, it's two years later Oh the plot

Yeah The plot Yeah the plot The murder plot Well because Tim Roth Like you know Helena Bader Carter goes off with all the humans and Tim Roth's

like, oh, I can turn this into political power. And he goes to David Warner in his last scene and is like, oh, if you make me like General of the world, then... He tells him like, if you institute martial law. And I'm like, wait a second. Ape martial

law, he's just an ape senator. Where's the rest of the ape senate? He needs to go to the ape senate floor and let's do it. Let's really do it. Yoda and all the rest of the apes have to fucking vote on this thing before you, before you go and do this. David Warner Ape goes to

Chimp Washington. Chimpington. Chimpington. That's where if they made a planet of the ape's cartoon, they'd all live, is Chimpington. Oh, yeah. Chimpington. Maybe that's Chimpington College.

Chimpington University. Yes, most definitely. There's a Chimpington. University of South Chimpington, probably. Actually, Chimpington University is where you would see the stories unfold of of Michael Clark Duncan ape and Timpington. Tim Roth Ape becoming best friend. Come on, your locker's right next to him. And I mean, honestly, once you find out that, oh, my God, Mark Wahlberg is responsible for

the Planet of the Apes all along, there's still 45 minutes left because you know what we got to do? Battle scenes. You know what Tim Burton's bad at? Battle scenes. And it's not just we've got to do a battle scene. It's that everybody had, like everybody's out of head here at Congress. And you're like, oh, Mark Wahlberg's responsible for the planet of the apes.

All right, everybody, back to your corners. We're going to talk about this. We're going to strategize. And then we're going to come back. And then we'll have the big battle scene. So fucking apes are at the gate. And the humans are trying to make this temple their home. And it's like, oh, fuck, here come a bunch of apes on horseback.

And they're going to fucking rip our faces off and fuck them. Because that's what apes do to people. And oh, shit, we better get our plants together. And this kid's like, can I play? Can I play? We are not play. And Mark Wahlberg says a couple times, like, you got to get somewhere else. You got to be not around me because I'm the fucking general all of a sudden. Fade's coming from me.

Fade's looking for me. And when it fucking happens, this kid gets on a horse and falls fucking down immediately. And it's like, of course he did. And you know what Mark Wahlberg's character, fuck you in this movie for running after him and saving him? Nope. You are the leader of this battle. you fucking stand back like this kid jumped the gun and messed it up that's not your fault mark walberg oh man a bunch of stampeding apes just rip this kid to ribbons oh yeah two and a half stars oh there's some serious that's a full three for me there's post here's how it's a full three for me chris postmortem face fucking yeah or just taking a big fucking monkey dump on his chest yeah oh yeah they rip them apart and pound them like apes like to do and then they shit on them and then You got to desecrate that corpse before it's official.

Well, because now it's yours. You own the corpse. This back and forth nonsense that happens in this movie is really frustrating because there's one scene where Mark Wahlberg is like, listen, these apes are coming from me. I'm going to tell, he's talking to whatever the girls. Estella Warren. Stella Warren. Yeah. You know, and he's like, listen, I'm going to go.

I'm going to tell everybody they can just retreat. The apes want me. And then Estella Warren goes. And then Mark Wahlberg's like, okay, yeah, I'm going to go. And he's like, he's, listen to everybody, go back, go hide. I'm going to take care of it. They want me. They don't want you.

They want me. And so, oh, shit, Tim. Am I a reluctant hero? I like this. This is like my ninth line of dialogue. I like this reluctant hero ang. You're a really good director. You did really well by me.

Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim. Call cut. Stop everything. Bro, you directed Batman? We've been filming this. shit for like 30 days. Dude, how is it working with Jack Nicholson? Were you scared?

That movie scares the shit out of me. Bro, I shit my pants every time I see him in that Joker makeup. That shit's fucked up. And, you know, no disrespect. I actually prefer Batman Forever. And, you know, he's a reluctant hero and he finally gives a speech about great human beings on my planet

or something. But that's what I'm talking about. That scene comes like five minutes after he tells everybody to go home. Nobody learns anything in this movie Andrew. People say things and then other things happen. He has the line, this is the day you get to stand up to the apes. Let's go. It's what he fucking says to these people. That says rally cry. Let's go already. Fucking shut up. You're the worst leader ever. And then we're all having a big ape war. And you know, the ape action for all, we're all leaping. We're all fucking hitting people.

No one's head gets ripped off. Nobody's fucking face gets ripped off. There's no, there's no violence. noticing that all the violence is like just conveniently out of frame. Yeah, a lot of, and like a lot of critics brought this up and it's super true. I felt the PG-13 in this one. Oh yeah. You can feel that there was this line they just could

not cross. Yep. And it makes the whole fucking thing stupid because it's fucking apes you know, bullying each other. And like the line was the hem of Helena Bottom Carter's ape skirt. Thanks anyway. Tim Roth is

bludgeoning people bludgeoning gorillas left and right oh yeah and they show nothing like I'm thinking now of like Game of Thrones and spoiler alert right now

Game of Thrones spoiler alert spoiler alert Game of Thrones right now the full storm warning but it's the fucking it's the mountain and the viper and you think about how

oh yeah how much that was fucking intense right and then I'm just like watching Tim Roth is pounding nothing. He might as well be playing an electric drum kid. Because it's just like he's pounding and you just hear a noise and then someone's dead. A Tim Roth sized chimpanzee. Did you ever see like anyone who's run a foul of a chimp?

They all look like Gary Oldman and Hannibal. Like you know what I mean? Like there's nothing left. And it's because they're fucked up. So we have this big ape war. And they're like kind of getting going with the fighting. Also Mark Wahlberg, let's some fuel loose and there's a big explosion. So they think that, like, the space station is a weapon that will fire this off at any time. And it's ridiculous because, like, a bunch of apes approach. He fires it off. There's some apes that get fried.

There's a little bit of crispy critter action, which is pretty cool. Yeah. But then they get up. They all just kind of get up. And I was like, didn't I just see you burn? I saw him burn. He burned. And then, like, Michael Clark Duncan says, like, you know, like, oh, well, they have this weapon.

It's pretty dangerous. And Tim Roth's like, fuck it, the movie has to end. And he just, like, runs in and they start fighting. And then Michael Clark, Duncan fights his mentor. Like, come on. It is stupid. He's the fifth-billed character. I don't need that character to have a mentor and a final fucking fight.

And if you're going to have that fight, it better be longer than 30 seconds. Yep, and him just beating on some more beating on playing. Oh, my mentor missed a punch. He's dead. That's it. That's the whole fucking thing. Do a Diddy Kong drum challenge. or whatever the fuck this thing is.

God, oh my God. If fucking Michael Clark Duncan Guerrilla rode a rhinoceros in this. Oh, yeah, man. Oh, man, I'm all in it. Dude, Duncan Country movie, I'm in. Oh, absolutely. That would be fantastic, a Donkey Kong country movie.

Maybe Peter Jackson, Andy Circus. You can go, like, full animated on that, too, by the way. Like, not, you don't even have to do CGI. Just straight up, you know, animation. Straight up animation. So the dildo returns. The return of the magic finger finally lands. And oh my God.

Oh, my God. It's my own monkey friend. Pericles. And here's, it's Pericles, like, comes in for a landing. And Michael Clark Duncan starts having this goddamn religious epiphany like you have never seen. And he's like bowing down to this little chimp who just gets out of the spaceship. Everybody bows. The whole war stops.

The whole war that's, you know, people are dead, you know, fucking everyone's just moitered. already and no everybody stops and they're like oh my god it's that monkey that we thought was going to come back like Jesus and it's him and then we go inside the spaceship Tim Roth is like fuck this bullshit

Tim Roth's the only one he's like the only ape atheist the whole crew he's just like this is bullshit on a plan he like they chase religion is no basis for a government he starts chasing him down

he fucking chases is Mark Wahlberg and Pericles like into the space station and there is a hilarious chimp stunt double. It's like a chimp stunt dummy because like Tim Roth picks him up and he's like, you're no God and throws him against the wall and it's

just a fucking ape stuffed animal in an astronaut outfit getting thrown against a wall. I'm going to tell you, when that ape astronaut woke up that morning, he did not think he was going to travel into the future and be thrown by a sentient intelligent

ape against a wall. Of course not because he didn't even think he was going to wake up and find out he was going to be a father. Oh yeah. It's all the same day for this ape and I'm sorry but what convenient shit. When your time tunnel is as random as the time tunnel is in this movie

you're telling me at the fucking crux of this ape, human war, this all out war is when this dumb little chimp's going to fart his way back into the movie. That's a pretty convenient plot line. tunnel. There might as well be a

fucking phone booth and Bill and Ted come out with the Chimble. Look who we found in the future. Hey, so crates. Check it out. Look at all these monkeys. So they have a fight. Mark Wahlberg locks Tim Roth and like part of the space station. Tim Roth has the gun

that Charlton Heston gave him and he's trying to like kill Mark Wahlberg. And they do like a dumb ass like he's an ape like learning how you correctly hold the gun for their first time. Another thing that happens is Tim Roth, as an ape, punches Mark Wahlberg numerous times, and he's not dead. No. Which is a big problem for me.

He's not dead. There's a lot of trampoline tosses going on. Like, Mark Wahlberg's getting thrown all over this space station cave. He's walking fine afterwards. Oh, yeah, not a broken rib on him. Not a single one. Hey, Tim, you can only do three trampolines at a time. We're going to have to film the second half of this scene tomorrow because I can't get four trampolines in here.

Bro, I'm getting sick on all these trampolines. I don't think a human being supposed to bounce up and down like this. Look, Tim, I don't know if you know how a union works, but these tramps are hard people. They're going to come after you. You got, just, you know what? We're just doing two, two trampolines in this shot. I know you played a, I know you played a corpse in Hoffa. You're going to play a corpse in real life, Tim.

These tramps will take you out. You know, ever heard of the bath? The bath. You're going under. So he locks him in this bulletproof room and somehow this fucking ape doesn't shoot himself with this laser blaster. And everyone says goodbye to him

like separately. Like on the bottom card is like, you never got to fuck me. And Walbrook's like, well, I guess we're enemies now forever. Goodbye, bro. And Michael Clark Duncan's just like, we were never best friends.

Whatever. They magically decide we're just going to strike peace because Tim Roth was mad at an innocent ape. Yeah, exactly. It's so unjustified. The culture of the apes are as such, like, everybody fucking hates humans. We're shitting on them. They're our slaves.

And there's been no... And all that's happened is a war where apes are getting killed and humans are getting killed. And now they're like, okay, everything's cool. But it's just the, like... Even Giovanni gets into the act. Like, oh, I love humans now. Well, it's... Oh, that's so stupid because, like, Mark Wahlberg takes Pericles, like, out of the cage.

He's, like, kind of injured, but he's okay. And he's like, you can come out now, bro. and like Giamatti comes out and it's the corneous like war coward like how is it over I was thinking about making my move and I'm like fuck you everybody knows you weren't it's not funny it's not fun but the thing that I was saying was like this is what I hate about this there's a supposedly as the title suggests a whole planet of apes floating around right this one little battle where there's maybe I don't know let's be let's be fair there's one 100 apes on this battlefield, right? Out of a whole planet of apes, okay? These 100 apes fight in this battle. They see Pericles, like, descend from the heavens, and they're like, wow, this just happened.

We'll make peace with the humans. Well, don't they all go back to ape town? And they're like, hey, everybody, this thing happened. We're all friends with the humans. Don't you think the rest of the planet's going to be like, this tiny faction of traitors? Yeah, oh, yeah. They're all getting executed.

Every last one of them, like the fucking Lincoln assassins. They're all going to be publicly hung. You've got to get David Warner to sign something, at least. Or the rest of that ape Senate, we just never see. And if there's an ape Senate, is there an ape president? Are we hailing to the chimp in this movie or what? That's what no one says, and that's the question I'm left hanging with. I imagine it's more of a guerrilla dictator.

A real banana republic, Chris? Yeah, Steve got the one. Well, Planet of the Apes has the most expensive khakis. I was imagining every Planet of the Apes box set you ever got has a small asterisk next to Planet of the Apes. Like, where does that lead? And you go under the case and it says, and horses. Planet of the Apes. And horses.

Because where are the... The fuck are the dogs and the birds. It doesn't make any sense. Or fish. Fucking anything. A hippopotamus. Fine. Also, the thing that they changed.

So this is one of the bigger changes they make from the original story is because the space station, one third of DS9. One third of DS9 crash landed on this planet 3,000 years ago, thus starting the planet of the apes. So again, how are their fucking horses? Was it a planet? horses and then the apes took over because I don't get it there weren't any horses on the spaceship you're telling me that this planet of apes started because it was populated with the super smart apes from that space station were there horses on board too were they on the fucking holodeck hey pericles take this horse embryo with you when you go into the electromagnetic storm

yeah exactly how on this planet the horses had to have been there first second question how are there like they show like that you know that they they they The old, like, oh, my God, security footage, it's going wrong. The guy's like, these apes are too strong and they're killing us. When did anyone have time to fucking have kids while the apes are taking over to form a human society of hundreds of people? There's so many. It's a Swiss cheese of a movie, man.

There's so many questions left unanswered. It's ridiculous. And so, you know, Mark Wahlberg's like, all right, Pericles, you stay here. I'm going to go back. I'm going to go back home. And, like, he has this kind of sort of sweet scene with Helen Abottom Carter, and I said that with weird Tim Burton air quotes, such as anything could be sweet. Well, I'm the only one in the room that thinks she's more attractive as an ape, so clearly I'm hard during this. Yeah, obviously.

And, you know, he's like, I'm going to go back to my planet. She's like, you're not going to stay here. And he's like, no, I love you, though, when they kiss. And, but he says he's going back to his planet. That means he's going to erase this reality entirely, right? but that's again because there's weird time travel involved he's just going to do the old well if I just go back through the hole that I came through

maybe something will happen yeah but he doesn't know what's going on and that's the other thing it's like in this movie it's not earth it's another planet there was just an alien planet that was populated by super smart apes and just horses happen to be there wild horses so

like he's just going to going off, like, well, you know what? I might be back here in a couple minutes if this thing doesn't work out. Hey, that electromagnetic storm could be long gone by now, bro. I don't know what's going on up there, but I got to check it out. Got to get this magic finger and just figure it out. The Bruins are in the playoffs this year. I got to get out of here.

Bro, I can't miss the cup. I got to get back. We might get the cup. I might get the cup. Listen, I love your ape ass, but I got to get back. And, like, he kisses her. And then Estella Warren's like, and he's like, oh, shim. Oh, shit.

Does that make me gay, bro? and then he goes makes that with a woman like I don't even know what that scene is they don't say anything to each other they don't and it's just but he really is just like oh bro I just kissed a monkey oh there's that broad with the big hootas I better go kiss this or I'm not monkey gay oh shit I'm gay for monkeys you know I did one movie once and it turned me gay for monkeys she actually though doesn't Estella Warren have some line about like well maybe you could come back and visit and he's like bro I don't think you know how time tunnels work i'm gonna erase your whole fucking reality bro bro it's not like

i'm taking a trip up to camden okay i mean fucking i'm getting the fuck out of you did you ever hear the big good night that's what you're about to enter into so he goes into the fucking time tunnel and here we are everybody what everybody's excited about is oh my god the twist ending the planet of the apes quick thing before we get to the twist ending in the plane if it's a spoiler alert i'm going to break your computer it's no it's so stupid because when he's going back through the time tunnel, they have a fucking time gauge

on the spaceship. And I was like, it's not a time machine. I was like, why would you have this fucking Doc Brown Incorporated device? That's, it's showing the time like changing the years going by really fast. It would be a clock and the clock would just break. Like, oh shit, time. Steve just shut down emotionally

and physically Jack Warden pulled the plug on that baseball robot in 2029 we're going to build clocks that can tell when they go through fucking time tunnels bro you've ever been on YouTube he gets to Earth

and like they're like oh you know you don't have permission to land you don't have permission to land it's people voices so you're like oh my God finally he's on Earth and he gets to the Lincoln Memorial and here we go. Now, here's the thing.

If it was just a monkey, if it was just among any old monkey. Any old monkey. I'd be like, that's fine. It's just a monkey. And oh, my God, he's happened upon another planet of the apes and horses. You know?

How are the fucking horses there? I can't stop thinking about it. And, you know, he's on another planet of the apes. Whoops. See you next time, movie. But it's Tim Roth, and there's this whole plaque about calling it General Thade saved us from such and such, and who's a fuck? And I think what that's supposed to, I mean, and that's the end of the movie, he gets arrested by a bunch of apes and police uniforms. So it's like this close to being Theodore Rex with Whoopi Goldberg, first of all.

But like the movie fades, it fucking, dude, it fades out. We fade to black in a planet of the. apes movie get out of here and it's just like he's getting arrested he's like put your human hands in the air you're being ape arrested and you're like wait what what has happened what is going on right now and it's just credits and that's the end of the movie it's the it's the biggest you're not going to believe this since the super mario brothers you're not going to believe this because you don't set it up it's not it was earth all along it's like now it's other earth where they'd went the time travel first time tunnel.

So Tim Roth found another way to chase him back through the time tunnel and then got to Earth. I mean, oh man, how were their horses? I just, it's so, it's all just so stupid. And like, they blame the critical panning of the movie. Yeah, as to why they canceled the, they claim the critics really killed the audience buzz for the movie. It would be the first time in history that that would be true. It would be the...

If a critical panning stopped a fucking franchise dead in its tracks, it's never happened. Transformers, Age of Extinction, in theaters now. It's just never happened. And for them to fucking blame it,

it's such horseshit. This movie made, like, okay money, I think. It didn't make great, great. It was a 10th grossing movie of 2001. And it cost $100 million dollars. The apes look good. The apes look very good.

Rick Baker always shows up. All the effects are good. I mean, yet Rick Baker's genius. The music's great. Tim Roth's okay. Michael Clark. Duncan's great. Mark Wahlberg, speaking of Transformers' Age of Extinction, like, is just

the worst choice to carry this kind of a movie. He's not that guy. I mean, like, Charlton Heston is so weirdly ironic in that first movie like when they get to earth and he's just fucking with that guy like everyone everyone you ever met is dead and he's like dude could you lay off like you know you're 3,000 years old I get it dude I really traumatized and he's like you fucked up yet just leave me alone like it's great like he's there's humor he's I mean he's he's a great actor and a great performance and I mean I think Mark Wahlberg's been good in movies he

certainly has been good in movies like don't get me wrong i think he's an r-rated guy he's most definitely dude pain and gain like he is an r-rated guy that's i feel an underrated movie i'd i would go as far to say that might be michael bay's best movie it just might be i would go almost as far as to say that he's good in that he's great i think the fighter's a great movie it was my favorite movie of whatever here it came out was 2012 2011 2011 whatever the Spider-Canter. I love that movie. He's good in things. He's good in comedies a lot. The departed. He's fucking great.

Of course. Yeah. You're right. And it just... It just doesn't work. He's not... He's never been a square-jaw-daction hero. It's never going to be. Because, like, he might look like it. It just... It takes more than just having that face. And here's another thing. And this is, you know, the internet tells me things.

Sure. You know, but the internet told me... You read it on BuzzFeed. Bro, these lists are... fucking crazy. Most these quizzes are pretty fucking accurate, bro. Bro, last night I was up at like 3 a.m. doing Buzzfeed quizzes. I found out what Disney villain I am.

Bro. Ursula. That's fucking dumb. I mean, out of the entire South Park characters, I kind of thought I was a Kyle all the time. It's weird. I know it's weird, but I always thought of myself as a Kyle kind of guy. So the internet told me that Mark Wahlberg, they wanted to put him. him in the

loincloth outfit, you know, just like Heston was in the first flick. And he refused to do it because he was worried people would remember his underwear ads. Fucking get a hold of yourself. Did you read this script, dude? No one's

paying attention. Yeah. Do you see what everything, like that's the least of your fucking troubles? And also, who, what dude is barren flesh in this movie all over the place. Chris Christopherson. The movie's bravest actor.

Swinging for the trees. Or swinging through the trees if he's an ape. Oook, ook. Would anybody recommend Planet of the Apes 2001? No. I mean, I think... No, Andrew. I mean, I really think

that Rise of the Planet of the Apes did the right thing. Really Because it's not a concept that needed to die. Like, I mean, I think that the first one's a great movie and is the best movie with the Planet of Apes and Horses franchise. Wild, wild apes and horses. And, dude, you better believe this fucking horses being ridden in this next movie. They know where their bread is but air.

Oh, the horse. And here's, this is why it makes sense, at least, in these new movies. and also now that I think about that in the original in the original franchise is because it's Earth. It was Earth all along and Earth has fucking horses.

You know where doesn't have horses? An alien planet that you fucking made up. No horses there. Yeah, I know. Stupid. Nothing here. Chris Cabin.

Yeah, absolutely not. I forgot how much I disliked this movie. It was a real eye opener for me. I remember walking out of him and be like, well, that was not good at all. But like, I don't remember being like, man that sucked

yeah totally after watching it now it really fucking sucks it's a stink fest it's boring it's way too talky there's not enough action it's it's every you did everything wrong every single choice you could have made here you made it wrong

and you know except casting Michael Clark Duncan because he's amazing and asking Rick Baker to please do something for me totally and like those are really your only pluses they look good and they actually almost make this movie worth watching because they do look good and

it all looks great. And the subtlety of the CGI, you know what I mean? You can kind of see it on the hell on a bottom sometimes, but you can't see it anywhere else. Yeah. And I mean I do agree. I think the smartest thing Rise of the Planet Apes did, and it is a really freaking good movie, is they made the center of the movie, the

ape. Yeah. Yes. That was a very smart move and like that's what I wanted from this is that I want ape's society. If we're going to do it, let's do it. I've already Got the Heston movies. Civilization. And the sequels to, like, get the human perspective on the ape planet. Right.

I got it. So do something new. And, like, they did that, and Dawn looks really freaking good. Can't wait. Did we schedule this so that it drops the week that dawn comes out? This Friday, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, starring Gary Oldman and other people. Do you think they're going to take this franchise through to where they're, like, looking, walking around, like, people and wearing clothes and shit? I don't know.

I mean, they, I think they've already, the third one I think is already okayed. Well, I'm sure. Dusk of the Planet of the Apes? Yeah, I don't know what they're going to do with that, yeah. But yeah, it would be interesting. Guys, guys, guys. Planet of the Apes is on its way.

The longish title, the working title. Well, maybe like that one, it's like them trying to figure out some sort of form of ape government. And you can make it a musical. So then it's like that movie 1776, but just with Apes trying to. figure out democracy. I just want an ape Congress.

I really wanted a good Congress. And you could have given it to me, Tim Burton. You really could have. I wouldn't recommend it either. And here's the final thought I want to have. Because I think, I don't know if we touched on this on the air at the beginning or if we were talking about it off the year before we started. Is this the worst Tim Burton movie? It's a draw for me.

It's Plain of the Apes and Alice in Wonderland. It's a dead draw. For me, it's Alice in Wonderland. And because they do the same thing, which they make things that aren't adventure movies, adventure movies. And Planet of the Apes is almost an adventure movie, but it's definitely not. It's a science fiction movie, kind of a hard science fiction movie. And Alice in Wonderland is not an adventure story, everybody. When there's a war between the who gives a shit and the who gives a shit less, at the end of that movie, I could not believe it.

I know that I liked Dark Shadows and thought it was like okay enough. I really liked Dark Shadows. I just don't like, um, what's her face? I don't like Carrie there as the teenage werewolf. That's obnoxious. Yeah, I mean, she's obnoxious, but like, speaking of fight scenes, this fight scene between Evergreen and Johnny Depp in that is a great fight scene. That's badass.

That is badass. And even Franken Ween is good. I like Franklin Ween quite a bit. He had, he had a year with those two movies. That was pretty sweet. So I guess I'll watch Alice in Wonderland and try to see what I think. But as far as what I've seen, this is the single worst movie Tim Burton's ever made. It really, it elevates Charlie in the chocolate factory.

I was going to say, the Charlie, I haven't seen it a long time. It's bad, but I mean, it's not as bad as Planet of the Ames. At least it's a Tim Burton movie. At least it's got Tim Burton things. It looks and feels like a Tim Burton movie. We're doing bump, bump, bump, bump, which is what you want, you know. We have the bump bumps going on. Yeah.

It's there. that's Planet of the Apes 2001 directed by Tim Burton if you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about the show check out our website WHMpodcast.com join the WHM conversation follow us on Twitter at WHM

podcast and like us on Facebook. facebook.com slash we hate movies right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com we have we're going to figure it out we'll have to do it maybe next week or something the July episode of

The WHM Mailbag is right around the corners to get your emails in. We're going to read your stories on the air. Rate and review the show wherever it is, you download it, whether it's iTunes, Podcatcher, Stitcher Radio, wherever it is. It increases the profile of our show, and we would greatly appreciate your efforts. Clue for next week's episode of the summer blockbuster extravaganza, Chris Cabin. Dennis Quaid. Oh, my Lord.

Handsome Dennis Quaid? Beautiful Dennis Quaid. He's coming back to WHM, folks. Dennis Quaidcy. Did you have an alternate? Int did, but it's going to give everything away now that you've got the other piece. I'm not going to do it. Oh, okay.

We don't want to give too much away. Bro, I don't want to get scared tonight. I don't want to know what's coming up next week. Bro, I don't want to start freaking out, but I got to go to bed soon. This about the Bruins? Tim, am I going to shoot it all today? No? Okay, great.

I'm going to go to bed. I definitely thought I was on the schedule for today. So until next week, bro, I'm Andrew Jupin. Oh, I'm who's cabin? I'm Stephen today. Take it easy.