We Hate Movies - S4 Ep167: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

Episode Date: July 22, 2014

On this week's episode, the gang rides the rails with Steven Seagal and Eric Bogosian in the train hijacking sequel, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory! Why do we need Seagal microwaving a cake? Did Bogosian have to do that Rod Serling impression? And is Seagal really getting foiled by a Newton and a clogged fax line? PLUS: We all better go talk to the Captain. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory stars Steven Seagal, Eric Bogosian, Everett McGill, Morris Chestnut, Peter Greene and Katherine Heigl; directed by Geoff Murphy. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisker. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to, what a stupid way of? Hello, everyone. I'm here to introduce you to the show. What a shitty way? I've been doing 160-some odd times. I fucked it up. Hey. All right. Well, anyway. Hey. Hey. Hey, hey there. Oh. Welcome to We Hate Movies, a comedy podcast that revolves around bad movies. Today we're talking about under siege to dark territory from 1995. directed by Jeff Murphy

Woof It's a Stephen Segal Woofer No, there's no dog in this at all I wish there was a dog Give me a dog If it was a dog Like solving all these puzzles

On a train Or if it's like a bomb disposal dog Like it has to swallow the bomb And then like runs outside And the bomb detonates within the dog No no those dogs sniff out bombs You're thinking of the dog from the mask

they're not all like that no they usually just sniff them out and then human beings handle the rest or sometimes robots are you really yeah you're you're really thinking of the mask right now although we should develop those dogs it would be a booming industry

so this is a sequel to the 1992 original yeah I think it's 92 I just watched last like I did finally got to do one of those things where I watch the sequel and the original in the same

night. I'm doing my homework for WHA. Did you watch it in its entirety? Okay, cool. I will only watch like the first 45 minutes or so of the first movie before I had to turn this one on. And I think it really holds up. I think it's the first one totally holds up.

I would posit that the first movie is how Tommy Lee Jones came to be cast as Two-Face because he is off the rails. He's out of control in that movie. I don't remember. Here's the thing with Underseech is

I don't remember a lick of what goes on in that movie. I really don't. I'll give you a quick recap before we get into Seach, too. I mean, I know the plot he gets on the... Wait, then what the hell do you not know? Like, I don't like what... Okay, he gets on the boat. Well, he's already on the boat, first of all, so you're already wrong.

He's the cook on the boat. He's the cook on the boat. You're all mixed up. You're all mixed up. They're going to cook on the boat, and then terrorists come and take over the boat. Right. They're going to... gonna decommission the boat and then Tommy Lee Jones

disguised as a blues musician like a rocker blues musician takes over the boat with his band thanks to the help of turncoat Gary Busey. I do remember the Bucie element as commander krill or whatever his name is. And Ryebeck

Seagal was apparently once like a Navy seal and like due to bad intel in Panama or some whatever conflict we were having. Yeah, there's a movie that there could have been an under siege prequel. And

Erica Laniak at some point bursts half naked out of a, or full naked out of a cake. There's some, there's some, yeah, there's some topless nudity. She is playing a playboy bunny, a former bunny

who is not roped it. The whole thing is really weird because they're like, we want to have a party for the captain's birthday. I'm like, I think this is pretty stupid. Yeah. And so half of the organization is this band who's playing the party. And then Erica Elaniac, I can imagine only in an homage to apocalypse now is the Playboy Bunny who's coming and visiting the boys in uniform. And then something goes terribly wrong. I'm sure that that was the link. I'm sure it has nothing to do with, oh, bitch. What I was, what I was going to get?

With Segal is he used to be like a Navy SEAL. And then he had bad intel from one of these egghead commanding officers. I don't trust these guys with computers. Yeah. So like all of his men are killed. And he blames the commanding officer, like, wants to kill him or something. And then he's just like, well, to get my pension, I'll just be your cook. I'm just going to cook food.

Yeah. And it's like since when can you decide what you do? the military. Yeah, it's weird. I don't believe that's a thing you can do. But I think it's a thing that because he's so goddamn good. Like the whole move, that whole first movie is just him being like, oh, you don't like the way I play?

We'll go take it up with the captain because he's got my back. And I'm like, oh, all right. Yeah, exactly. He's like a teacher's pet. Like Gary Bucy. I think, actually, it's that kind of cocky behavior that makes Gary Busey so envious to the point that he becomes a traitor to his own nation. because Tommy Lee Jones is going to steal a bunch of warheads

and sell them to some other countries. You know what I love about that first movie is the fact that they take time to set up the world of the ship. You really feel the atmosphere and what the day-to-day is of that military ship. It really feels like a real place. Yeah, and I'll tell you another thing about that first movie,

and it's something we have problems with a lot on this show, but not here. That first under siege movie, one hour and 39 minutes. And it still gets done everything that it needs to get done without any fucking around. If there's one thing I give Seagal, I think more than I give any of his ilk, is that he does make these movies at a clip. It's almost always a 90 minute, no longer than 100 minutes. And you're in and out.

Those hard to kill movies, you know, license. I don't know how many of those fucking movies there are. It's like out for justice, hard to kill. There's a few marked for death. Marford. I mean, on dangerous ground. I mean, it's just a lot. On deadly ground. I think they're all, yeah, they're all pretty much like... Halt and catch fire.

Goes on and on and on. Is he on Halt and catch fire? No. I was going to say, it sounds like a Seagal issue. You're totally right. I was going to say he's been grossly miscast. You're going to halt and cash fire. Is this an MSDOS system? I'm going to help you reverse engineer this IBM computer. I don't need to look at the IBM BIOS to write. this i'm just that good i'm a computer man

would you like some fruits out with crystallized ginger so here we are three years after the events of the first film it's under siege to dark territory and he's gonna take a little vacation this is gonna take vacation after off screen his family is killed in an airplane crash of some sort no isn't it well it's like his brother The brother and his sister-in-law were killed in a plane crash that we know nothing about. You don't see it. Except for the tombstone at the end of the movie, though, and he finally visits his brother's grave.

Oh, yeah. September 12th. Ooh. I mean, it means nothing. It means nothing. But I was like. Foreshadowing the plans from the very beginning. I'm just saying, you know how on the internet they're like, hey, man, everything predicted that shit.

Yeah. You see that Simpsons episode? I was just going to say, I just saw that dumb ass. thing. Oh, the Simpsons predicted 9-11 because Bart buys a New York magazine. That's $9. And then the trade towers make the 11. It's right there, idiot. Can't you see it? My very least favorite of those is Chuck Klosterman wrote an entire essay about how he thinks Kid A predicted 9-11. Here's a tip for anybody trying to figure out what predicted 9-11. Nothing predicted 9-11.

Not a fucking thing. Actually, my favorite is the Super Tramp cover of Breakfast in America. whatever. There's a whole thing about that, too. Oh, really? Yeah. Jesus. You know what? It's unending. Christ. You're right. It is unending. It is unending. Right now, someone's drumming up the next predicted 9-11.

We should do an episode on Loose Change. Oh, man. Right at which version. Because I think there's 59 of them. Yeah. Wasn't that everybody claimed that that movie, like, I remember hearing about this when it came out. blew the lid off the whole thing, man. I watched it in college. You know it. If you were caught bringing that movie into the United States, they were confiscating it.

This is what someone told me at the time. And I was like, I'm pretty sure that's horseshit. That adds up. Does it? That, you know what? You know? Oh, my God. I had to put it in a flash drive and I had to bake it inside a thing of bread.

Why didn't you just carry it in your ass? Because it's the bread. Why didn't you just carry it in your ass? Yeah, you know. Fair question. It's easy enough, the thumb drive? Is that the name of your travel tips book? Hey, why do you think they call it a thumb drive, Chris?

Come on. What do you think they call your ass? God's purse. God gave you a purse. It's like a... Hold your chain. It's like a kangaroo with a pouch. Your compact is in there.

Yeah, I get it. We honestly, we understand. utilize it. It is. Oh, it's totally. I mean, it's all out. It's all out. There's nothing in. Yeah. The opportunity's there. I'm just saying try in. I mean, we got, I mean, I'm sure a lot of people try in and it's fine. Um, so this movie, dark territory. Yeah, his, speaking of dark territory. Oh, oh, segways. So his family's dead. The only surviving member that we know about is his niece portrayed by, uh, shockingly at a obnoxious Catherine Hegel.

Holy mother. Who thought she was obnoxious back then, too? She was 17 or something. Oh, yeah? I'm just saying, don't get any ideas. What, no? Here's my idea. She's annoying in this movie. She is. She's very annoying. But that's the, I feel like that's, that's the

character, and she excels that character. But she's also, like, I know all of Stephen Segal's fighting moves. Like, she's beaten the shit out of Morris Chestnut in this movie for no reason. Well, because he taught her all kinds of shit and her father taught her all kinds of shit. Yeah, just some like defense tactics and stuff. Just like some takedowns. But like she, I mean, she doesn't matter to this movie.

Like you could have just had it. Frankly, I would have preferred it if it was just a normal like, look, now it was a boat. Now it was on train. Fuck it. Yeah, I don't need a family involved. I don't need the family involved. I feel like they're like, let's put a family in there. Family element up to stakes a little bit. I just love that it's a niece though. It's like in no world would Would he have fucked a woman, got her pregnant, had the child, and then, like, taken responsibility for it? Well, there's also, like... You're my niece, so it's okay. He might, you know, he said, I don't want to tell tales out of school.

Sure. Oh, you think he's the actual father? No, I think maybe he plays for the other team. Oh, you think Ryback in the movie's supposed to be gay? Maybe. You never actually, well, no, he's definitely not, because in that first movie, he's all over. Is he? Is he?

Is he? At the end of it, it's ridiculous when they're like The whole movie he's kind of flirting with her And then at the end I just figured the Navy, you know I'm kidding, I'm kidding, the Navy's great At the end of the movie Like they're just sitting there and he's like

Well guys, we did it I killed Tommy Lee Jones by sticking my thumb in his eye And then putting a knife through his skull And then throwing him into a computer console And electrocuting him I leave nothing to chance Like oh and then kind of blew up that submarine and killed Gary Busey and 30 other guys.

Point being, now he says something. It's like, oh, you think that's cool? Well, watch this. And he grabs Erica Elaniac and starts making out with her. And then all the people around them give this huge round of applause. And that's how the first movie is. Yay, they're going to make babies. Like, who gives this shit?

Why would you ever do that? And then she slapped me with a lawsuit. Turns out she's still owned by Hugh Heavis. I got a dishonorable discharge from the Navy. Lost my house. Lost my kids. Lost my dog. Do they set it up in the second one?

Is he retired? I guess so. Yeah, because there's some business about how he was an anti-terrorist, like, a specialist for a while after the first. Oh, that's supposed to be after the events of the first film? He became an expert in the realm of terrorism. Take this back to loose change. This is why it all. happened is someone like Stephen Seagal

who was I was cooking a souffle at the time when 9-11 happened I thought probably was I just got off the phone with Mr. Bush and said we're in the clear and we're good in the clear all right I'll tell you this the way this movie

starts off there's a whole lot of space nonsense and it all looks terrible my and I start I start this movie and the first few shots are of space And the word, Stephen, the name Stephen Seagall, I'm like, am I about to fucking watch a Stephen Seagall in space movie? I almost had a heart attack.

Let me tell you. I'm going to Mars or something. I don't think he's ever been in like a space movie, like a sci-fi movie. Not that I can recall. Dude, him as a fucking astronaut, look out. I think this qualifies as a sci-fi movie. Because they're sending a weaponized satellite dish, not satellite dish, a weaponized satellite into space. Yeah.

And that can create earthquakes. Yeah. And it looks like I thought maybe it was the satellite for the cartoon network because the CGI is a cartoon. Yeah, it's bad. It's so bad. It's so, so bad. And I don't want to hear anything about low budget this and low budget that.

I honestly thought I had sat on the remote and Darwin Duck, Darkwing Duck was on or some shit. Some shit like that was on. Yeah. Because there's money in this movie. there's a lot of practical effects with explosions and all sorts of stuff going on. So I don't want to hear about budgets. This is just a really bad

space setup. The satellite looks like garbage and it's unforgivable. And frankly, I'd be more happy. I don't need the full fucking, you know, Steven Segal in space. I actually prefer if it's just a preamble and they just put him in space like he's so good that had to be on

a space shuttle for some reason. And then he comes back and then the train hijing start. Well, maybe it's a movie about there's a terrorist attack on the international space station. Yeah. And the only one that can stop them is Steven Seagall for one reason or another. Sure. So they got to send him up there.

I'm the only one that could hack the hell 9,000. Well, like the beginning of like a lethal weapon, like where it has nothing to do with the plot, you know, proper. Yeah. He has to disarm, you know, jaws. Oh, so you're saying it's like a, like a bond. cold open. Yes. Precisely. Like Bond is on a mission that has nothing

to do with the movie you're about to watch. It's like last week's adventure is finishing up. Well, I was thinking more of it. It's one of my favorite scenes is the first in the first lethal weapon when Riggs goes out in the playground, the school shooter and he just, you know, shoots the guy

right in the fucking head. Oh yeah. Can't make those movies anymore. Yeah, not really. No, no, no. Yeah, I mean, some kind of cold open like that would be hilarious if it just starts with, it's like under siege two, dark territory and then it's like Steven's a gall in space and he's like wow it's been a really wild six weeks up

on this space station time for a vacation and then it's just him on a train that here's the problem with that it would have to be the other way around because you can't have something as exciting as space and then go to Amtrak well he's going on vacation if he's up if he's

been up in the fucking space station trying to stop Jaws and Moonraker like I would want I would rather I would rather see him fighting Moonraker than taking a vacation. I suppose it's true. I'm just saying to invert the premise.

The important thing to remember is that he never gets to this vacation. He does not. Oh, shit. So Kurtwood Smith's in this movie not playing a huge scumbag. And that bothers me. No, thank you. No. He's just like a pretty straight, narrow CIA guy of some kind.

He's in uniform. He's like a military. There's a lot of suits. So the whole thing is they've launched the secret satellite that it's a weaponized satellite. Like Eric said, there's a laser on it that can kill. It's very precise. Like the targeting system is very good. The name of this system is a tack.

Yeah, it's called attack. That's a smooth thinking. What was it called the Grazer or something? Grazer 1 is the Seattle. It's not the Seattle. The satellite itself. Right. It's called the Grazer 1.

And Chris, what do they do when they first activate the satellite? What are they tested on? Do you remember this? I do, actually. It's a B. B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B... Oh, man. Let me tell you, this guy, folks at home will have not seen this movie.

They got this fucking pervert working in the government, right? The guy who, you know... This is what... This is very foreshadowing of what's happening right now. The guy for no... He looks exactly like Barry Sondonfeld. He does look like Barry Sondonfeld. It's Barry Sondonfeld mixed with Rick Moranis.

Yeah. Yeah, are you shuddering yet? So this, Kurtwin-Smith's like, hey there, dumbass, you know, turn on this satellite and let's see how well the visibility is. So this clown zooms in on like Venice Beach and there's this babe and he's like, oh, look at that. And Kurtwin-Smith's like, this is inappropriate. Turn it off, dumbass. And he's like, no, she's about to turn over. Yeah, it's like a Google.

Earth, like, zooming in on this chick. And this woman's just, like, topless sunbathing. And this guy, it's these two dudes, and they're just like, oh, yeah. Like, these people are working with the U.S. military and the fucking federal government. You're so fired. You're so fired.

That minute you are fired from this huge program. And these two creeps are like five seconds away from shoving their hands down their pants. Like, it's really weird how much these guys are getting into it. And you can see everyone else in the office are just like, Larry and Barry are at it again.

Better call HR. There's like, of course, you know, because it's the mid-90s, there's only like, they got one lady who's working in the office. She's like a high-up captain, and she's just like rolling her fucking eyes, like, hilarious will be boys.

Like, fucking dude, are you serious? This is a huge weapon that can create earthquakes. Yeah, it's not to be toyed with. Not for you to look at your pornography. You, assume, know what the internet is at this point voice. To be fair, to be fair,

the Grazer one is probably way faster than the internet at this point in 1995. It's not dial-up, that's for certain. Oh, yeah, no, this is quite quick. If you want, you know, you want those Jenna Jameson picks, you can get them right quick with attack. Oh, Captain Janeway,

what's the fucking comic book guys download? Oh, internet king. Perhaps he can get me faster pornography or whatever it is. Um, Yeah, so this is the whole setup, and it's like, oh, this is very hush, hush. The actual government doesn't know about it. We're like a secret branch, blah, blah, blah.

So sorry that our lead developer of this satellite happened to die recently. No more information given about that, really. Yeah, and we never found the body. No body, yeah. Okay. My favorite little note about this whole scene is that they're in this, you know, obviously very, you know, secret. highly secure area where they're testing this thing. But, and it's supposed to be like the best, you know, state-of-the-art technology.

Right. They have, when they're trying to zoom in on this lady's TNA, they're, they have to have a mouse clicking it to zoom in. And it's like an old-fashioned big fat mouse clicking on the screen. Let me tell you, that mouse was probably top over the line in 1995. At that point, it's possible. I bet it was sticky. So then Steven Seagal picks up Catherine Heigel at the train station.

Can I just say there is a quick shot of Steven Seagal like remembering Catherine Heigel as a youngster. And there's this hilarious shot of him at her birthday party with this giant cake there. And he's in his dress whites. Oh, yeah. And it is hysterical. I need this photo. If anyone somehow has a copy of this. this photo. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You want the framed on your mantle. And by the way,

Steven's a golf where this whole movie, because he's such a badass, is wearing nothing but black. Yeah. And I got to thinking, is it because he's that many times over a black belt? That all of his clothes are made out of black belts. The whole thing is black. Yeah, it's all black belts. He just makes a jacket out of black belts. So together all these black belts. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe he's that god damn good at martial arts I think so I think I mean why else I wouldn't know because I mean he honestly has what three fight scenes in this movie

and one that it's that last Segal? Yeah Seagal doesn't have like he has some fight scenes but it's not like a big like I come to a seagal movie I'm looking for a big fuck a bunch of big fucking fights a lot of it's just him slamming some guy on the neck and then he goes down and then he goes down yeah

and like I want the big fight man well see now this is the one problem with watching both movies back to back in the same night. Is it in this movie or is it the first one where he rips out that dude's throat? That's the first one I believe. Is it? Because that's cool.

All right, that's not in this one. In both of the movies, though, he has close quarters hand-to-hand combat with knives though. Yeah. In the first movie it's Tommy Lee Jones. And then in this one, it's Everett McGill. Yes. Twin Peaks, Everett McGill. You might know him as Big Ed

from Twin Peaks. Yeah, so he murders big head from Twin Peaks. Also, the priest and silver bullet. Oh, right, yeah, a.k.a. the were on this train. Steven Seagall instantly best friends with this whole train crew? This part bothers me. He is like chatting up this bartender, Morris Chestnut, who plays like the bellhop or whatever. Well, Morris Chestnut.

The Porter. Morris Chestnut is in love with Catherine Hegel from the get-go. He takes her back. He gets her on the train. And, by the way, Mr. Segal has, I'm sorry, Casey Ryback, just so we have that. Please, yes, Mr. Ryback. He has the fucking, it's those lines that,

it should have been a joke that somebody said to the movie, but it's in the movie instead where Catherine Heigel says some, you know, thing where she's like, oh, no, we're in separate cabins because I can't fucking deal with you right now. Right. And he's like, guess I'm not trained. for this. Shut the fuck off.

Yep. Yeah, you're goddamn right. That Navy SEAL. You can handle a, you know, a mouthy teenager. I'm sorry. He brought a teddy bear to give to her as a gift

and she's like 17, 18 years old. It's so awkward. He's like, no, you collect teddy bears. I was like, guaranteed she stopped doing that 10 years ago. Guaranteed it's been a decade.

You're going to be doing this for the rest of your life, right? That's always such a dumb. thing you see in movies and TV like when an absentee relative who hasn't seen like a younger relative since they were a little child but now they're clearly an adult or like a teenager just assumes that they're the same person they were when they were like six years old and he's like oh i know you like i know you like wearing corduroy overalls here's some more corduroy overalls for you what they always do that movies and it's like ash kash kash kash

Gosh. It's like, oh my God, I butchered that. You budgeted it like Casey Rybeck butchers these terrorists. Yes, with a knife.

God. No, but it's just like, when you haven't seen a young child in years, like a decade or whatever, just get a fucking gift certificate. Yeah.

Or the kid could just not be an asshole for five seconds and like, oh, great, you know, a bounded cover of goosebumps the new edition. Fantastic. Like, and just fucking eat it up, man.

Your parents are dead. Yeah. Casey Ryback's the best you got. Yeah, seriously, don't look a gift horse in the mouse or this case, a gift bear. I got a little casting noticed here. That barmaid he's flirting with at the start there. Yeah. Originally, uh, Jenny McCarthy came into audition.

Oh. Oh, right. I heard this. Yeah, I read this. To much dismay. That would have been. Steven Seagal demanded she take her clothes off during the audition, allegedly. Right.

And this is a man that was also allegedly accused of having sex slaves in his basement. So. Yeah. Sex dungeon or was it, were there actual slaves or was it like just a dungeon? There were, uh, it was like, you're my assistant now and my assistant gets down and dirty. Yeah, I don't know. Was it an assistant or was it weird like cleaning crew? I'm not sure of the

I don't remember the story and also I think it was a weird like him and his wife like it wasn't just him they just had some people around possibly against their will I don't really remember

what the story was Yeah I remember You're trying to leave this house I'm gonna do a keto on you I mean I do I just remember the dungeon I never remember that they actually have people in there

Remember the dungeon No there was remember the dungeon. There was someone who brought the lawsuit from time spent in done, said dungeon. After she completed time served. You built a dungeon right now in your basement, Chris. You're in the clear. When you start putting Pete ladies down there. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't you see that SVU with Josh Molina? Did Josh Molina have a dungeon? He's got a dungeon. And he starts writing all these fantasies on websites saying like, I know that game. I have a dungeon. and I want to like take kids here

and cut him up and butcher them and everything. So then like he gets caught in a sting somehow via Kevin from the office somehow. I don't remember. Point is they go to his apartment and they find a secret dungeon but the thing about it is

they can find no DNA like it's clear to them that like no, it's apparent. It's not clear to them. It's a parent that none of the instruments have ever been used. His cleaning crew didn't talk. Yeah. Oh, this sounds like a real cannibal cop situation.

It's kind of like a cannibal cop thing, except he was like a photographer. For listeners who do not know. Oh, yeah, that's local news. And NYPD officer was arrested for trying to go kidnap and eat women. And he got released from jail for lack of, he got overturned the ruling. Yeah, he got lack of evidence, I believe. Yeah, and he had to race home too because, man, after a day in court, he was starving. That's humor.

So under siege two. So we got Morris Chestnut. Oh, the thing I was going to say about Morris Chestnut that I actually applaud this movie for. It's 1995 and we are at a time in society still where nobody has to do shit about anything, like socially, you know. But in this movie, in this Hollywood movie, you got Morris Chestnut who is just out and out hitting on Catherine Hegel. Catherine Heigel shows interest in him. The flirtation is back and forth. And Stephen Seagal doesn't have a problem with it.

There's no like, I don't want you hanging out with any of them kind of a thing. It's just like, here's a dude and here's a chick. And they're like flirtatious. And then also amongst Everett McGill's group of terrorists is just this black woman who's this amazing assassin character. And it's just like for this time, you just did not see that in movies. Isn't it interesting that we look back at 1995, like it's 195? It fucking might as well have been for a lot of reasons. Spoiler alert, Morse Chestnut also does not die.

You would think he would be the first one out of there. He's not the first one getting tossed off the train. But no, it isn't. It's that couple that are fucking. It's the scientists. Well, the commanders or the scientists. Right. So let's get down to what the meat of this story is here.

So they're on the train. yes who else is on the train well finally the train stops there's a bunch of terrorists on the train when it starts and it goes on including what's his name peter green the bad guy from the mask red foot from usual suspects and now when the train stops is it did i spy a jonathan banks out there you got a hairy head of hair jonathan banks i felt like he wasn't in this movie enough he's not it's criminal he has a bigger part in free jack than he does it's weird because they do same director too right Oh, that's right. Yeah, it's Jeff Murphy.

Oh, shit. I wonder if they're, like, best buds. Probably not. Well, I mean, that's the thing is, Eric Begozian who plays... Eric Bogosian who plays the main batty along with Everett McGill. And so Eric Begozian, just so we don't lose track. There's a lot of characters in this movie. Eric Begossian is the scientific technical developer that made the satellite who has faked his own death.

Dane. Travis Dane. Dane because because what's his name read from that 70s show fired him for one reason or another

you know what I tell you it wasn't getting fired for is fucking looking at naked ladies on the satellite feed you don't get fired for that apparently You think you could fly

Grazer 1 See that's what I'm talking about though What is this actor's name Why am I drawn a blank? Eric Wogosian? No. Kurt Wood Smith.

Thank you. That's what he needs to be playing at all times. He's not... Spodiker, yeah. I mean, or... I mean, he's great as red in that 70s show, but that's like a crotchety, funny character. He's not even crotchety in this movie. He's just a milk toast

general. Honestly, yeah, I mean, he was also decent as the president of the Federation in Star Trek 6. Oh, yeah. All right, that was okay, milk toasty. He will show up in those roles and you just, I mean, you look in the 90s and that's all Kurt Wood Smith is doing. Yeah, that's

true. It's just a bummer. Yeah, I know he's such a great actor. But anyway, yeah. So, Eric McGozian's on board. Eric Bogosian Ed Everett McGill as Penn his muscle. Right. Is Teller there? His teller there? Oh, I'm

sorry, that was bullshit. Or the Arthur Penn film, Penn and Teller get killed. Oh, we're looking at all kinds of connections. So they stopped this train in the middle of the tracks and they board it and they have like, I mean, a fucking a small army with them. Oh, yeah. It's no joke. Everett McGill says, all right, figure it out. You got

four minutes and they just infiltrate this train. They kill all the staff, like the engineer, the wait staff. Actually, one of the engineers has a line was like, we must be in dark territory. We must be in dark territory. Oh, the first of seven times dark territory is said in this film. At least. Including an exchange that I believe goes something like, dark territory. What's dark territory? dark territory is and I was like whoa whoa slow down he's a territory that's shaded

yeah every time anyone says dark territory in this in this movie it's like they know they have the titular line they're like really amping it up for everyone thinks that they're the only one that has it though they're totally right

they only got the sides for the day they probably didn't have the whole script or didn't give a shit I'm the one that gets to say dark territory oh fuck hey guys when you go to the theater look for my engineer character I get to say the name I get to say we're under

siege in dark territory Gary like seven other people said it too no fuck so yeah so they board this train they kill everybody the only staff that's left alive is Morris Chestnut the bartender who's not played

by Jenny McCarthy right and they also well there's there's two people who knew of like the attack program there's a couple of like captains who have the launch codes Begozian worked with these two captains and the captains took over for him when he you know faked his own by the way

an offscreen faking death that's like quite a lot open with it open with it I see I want to agree with you guys but also that's the kind of decision making that's keeping this movie under two hours you gotta kind of, you know, give a little bit. I would have much rather like, well, he just disappeared. Like, I don't need he faked.

Do you have any idea what it takes to fake a fucking death? I don't, but I assume it's everything. That's true. Chris has failed numerous attempts. This is actually, this, you just reminded me of something. And I want to put this out to the internet to see if I can have this question answered for me. There is a film from, I believe, the early 2000s. I don't remember what country is from It's an Asian film

Where a guy, he's an artist He fakes his own death As an art project And then he's like What would happen if I faked my own death And then he spies on his family And watches them grieve and everything That's fucked up

Yeah, it's super fucked up I don't remember if it's from Hong Kong Or if it's Japan I don't remember what country The movie came out of But it was a movie we watched in school and it's haunted me for years that I haven't been able to think of this movie

and every time faking your own death comes up inevitably I go back to thinking about that film so if you know what that movie was at Jupin on Twitter or we all hate movies at gmail.com for a minute there I thought you were going to bring up Polly Shore is dead and I was going to say

you know what Andrew don't do it you know let me stop you right there I think you're about to talk about Polly Shore is dead just don't do it. Here's the twist he was alive the whole time Oh, shit. Buddy. So, I mean,

Steven Seagall, as this is all happening, you know, he's hiding in a freezer after he showed the entire waitstaff how to make a cake like I give a shit. Oh, my God. We have, let's really walk you through this one, folks. Because remember, in the first film, he's a chef.

I cook for the captain. Yeah. So now he has a new inter- carry all his fucking ingredients he's just hanging out on this shit i almost said ship but that's wrong it's a train on this this movie so he's hanging on the train and just like bullshitting with the staff and then we just like cut to him hanging out in the kitchen with all these the kitchen of this train because it's like a luxury train yeah and there's these chefs like you know these guys look like chef boy ardees they got the hats and everything and he's just like and see that that's just how you make

a cake. I taught you something. It's not just making a cake. It's making a cake in a microwave. Yeah, which I didn't know you could do. And I was like, oh, I'm going to try that. Hey, I can microwave a cake. I think that's one of the explosions that happens in the beginning of the movie.

I can take this microwave cake and make it blow up. It's a flavor explosion. So he hides in the freezer after because the terrorists kill all of the cooks. And the captains. stop fucking each other because they're in a they're in a sleeper car and they're having this affair one's a woman one's a man yep oh right because it's like you know against protocol to get down to fucking yeah honestly for 1995 this is some of the sexiest business casual you will see well this woman's this woman's getting railed with like a a tan blazer on

oh yeah and those chinos right around the ankles at this point i was going to say one of my favorite lines in the entire movie is the terrorists stop the train, shoot a bunch of people, and somehow this all gets over there, love making music, and the dude is like,

what was that? And she says, it's called an orgasm. Oh, yeah, that's an orgasm, goo. They also, they also, hilariously

in this train car, like for this rendezvous, which also let me point out that those two are on their way to an air show somewhere, or they're allegedly going to an air show. Some, yeah. Some shit. But she has

brought a huge boombox on the train. Yeah. And she's it's like a CD boombox tape player combo. Remember those? She's got one of those and she's just playing this music on this boom box that she brought onto a train specifically to cover up the sounds of fucking

Yeah, it's like all... This is some premeditated sex man. It's all like men to boys kind of stuff. Men to boys. Well, because it's definitely not boys to men. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the shitty other side. It's totally fake 90s R&B.

Speaking of fake garbage. So the reason why Eric Begozian and Everett McGill take over this train. Right, yeah. It's because they're moving. So their computer magic, they will... they will do, will be untraceable, question mark. Yeah, that make, no, it makes sense. There's also something about electromagnetic something or other.

And I was like, really, with a train? I don't know what's going on. Why not just at that point, just say you control a space monster? Really? Like, I mean, frankly, if you're going to do this whole fucking silly shit, like, and I understand you want to have the technical dialogue, but like, man, is it stupid? By the way, Eric Begozzi in, and this movie is asking for one billion dollars. Which, I mean, that's outrageous because...

In 1995? In 95? That was actual money back then. But, like, it was feasible. I mean, we had billionaires in 1995. Oh, yeah, we still do. I mean, we still do. But that's the thing.

If you're doing this, you're... Listen, Eric, you have a device where you can launch a laser from space and target... and target planes that are flying mid-air. Trains and automobiles. Beach babes. Oh, yeah. Chinese chemical plants where they presumably make Chinese versions of the Joker. All of these things can happen with this satellite that you control.

Yeah. And no one can catch you. Yeah. All you're asking for is a billion dollars. And the follow-up line is, oh, you owe some people some money. So you're not being crazy, greedy. like I want $100 billion, but you also have amassed a debt of $1 billion? Where the fuck have you been gambling?

But also, someone who's so quick to kill everyone, why not just kill whoever you owe money to? Yeah, I mean, cause an earthquake in their heart. Well, what a shock. It's, that line is one of several, almost dare I say, countless times. Eric Bogosian says something stupid. Or unfunny. I said this before. Sorry, he is the ham and the cheese in this movie.

It is just unbelievable. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is insufferable. You just, I can't even believe it. I can't believe some of the lines he has in this movie. And he's got one of the dark territory lines. I think it's the worst one because it's just to himself. Well, you know, he's a genius. He's got to hear himself.

There's a lot of times in this movie where he's talking to himself. So, so the first order of been. business is to round up these captains so that they can get the access codes. Oh, right. To the satellite. So, you know, like, she's like, oh, what are you doing? You're crazy. And he's like, I'm hacking it to ATAC, Linda. And so he's hacking into ATAC. While dressed up as a bad 1990s stand-up comedian, by the way, the outfit that he has on previously was worn by Paul Reiser while standing in front of a brick wall. Like, he looks so cheesy. It's either stand-up comedian or shitty wannabe hip substitute teacher.

Yeah, I was going to say, like, community college professor. Yeah, it's really one or the other. He looks ridiculous. Yeah, this is an intro to literature. The torture is, like, we're going to shove a white-hot needle into your eye. Or you can give me the access codes. Yeah, I'm giving me those access codes. Yeah, they give him the access codes.

And then he's just like, oh, them, I don't need. them anymore they can go they can go so how do how do you get rid of a couple people you don't want how does peter green scumbag expert get rid of two scientists i'll i'll give this movie this this lady getting tossed off a bridge from the train car it's a pretty good effect man although see the man he gets tossed off first and then they just riddle him with bullets as he's falling. Fucking killing them. And my favorite thing about the whole thing is that they cut from when the woman hits

the fucking rock at the bottom of the river. Yep. They cut to Stephen Seagall and he says, God damn it. Oh, that's right. Because at this point, Seagal has climbed out of the freezer and he's like, oh, something's in, someone's in trouble. Let me get on the top of this train and start walking on the roof. Yeah.

And he's walking on top of this train. And I'm thinking the whole time, like, we can't do it. that. Now you don't know when you try to get back into this train if someone's going to be standing right there. Yeah, you have no idea. He's just on this fucking roof for no reason. It's stupid. And he sees them fall and he's like, oh, fuck.

Look at that. The game is a foot. First blood has been shed. As if he like forgot his keys. Like, oh, God damn it. Well, let me tell you, he's seen people die in his day. He's taken lives, okay? And he's seen lives get taken.

And in real life he's bought lives To keep in his basement Yeah He's kept lives Yeah he's kept He's aged alive I played by finders keepers Down here in New Orleans

I'm a law man Of this parish Was that where that show took place Was Louisiana? Yeah yeah That's where also his sex bunker was Why did I think it was Arizona I mean that's just another

Crazy ass state Well no Louisiana's where the bunker is The dungeon is in Arizona. No, no, no, no. In Arizona, I was thinking about running for governor. Wasn't really? I'm so conservative. And that, that crazy sheriff, Joe, Apa-Babob, wants to kill all these immigrants. And I'm thinking, it's not a bad idea. Not a half bad idea. Yeah. Was he ever in one of those machete movies? Was he the first one? He's in the first machete, which I haven't seen the second one. I think the second one's much better.

It's because it's actually like they really, as far as the crazy factor goes, they go all out for it. Are you serious? The second one, it's way crazy. Way, way, way crazy. Because I, you know, call me old-fashioned, but I thought using a guy's intestines to support yourself as you jump out of a window was pretty intense. But, and I felt this from the beginning. You really belong in 95. That was the craziest part of it.

that movie. This, it's like, from the beginning to the end, it's just crazy shit like that. Did Robert Rodriguez come back to direct that movie? He did. Oh, look at that. Mel Gibson's the villain. He does a pretty good villain, actually. Get out of town. I don't mind the sequel.

Oh, well, there you go. So Stephen Seagal's first order of business when he gets back in the train, he's assessed the situation is he's going to send a secret fax to his chef buddy via hooking his Newton into a payphone.

Yeah. What is this Newton thing? This is like a PDA? Yeah, it was like a first generation like electronic organizer. It's a wizard. It's a wizard, Jerry. This isn't a wizard. This is a wizard.

I'm ruined. But yeah, it was kind of like, you know, it was like a file effects. couldn't imagine using one of those things now, like, how slow it must be? Oh, it would be ridiculous. And I'll tell you what, Eric Bogosian, he makes a

classic mistake. On a train that has Stephen Seagall on it, he says, over the PA, no hero shit. You say that to Stephen Segal. It's like telling somebody, hey, don't think about hot dogs. Oh,

hot dogs. It's got hungry. No, you're right. It's like showing a bull red. You just fucking ask him to do it. I used to make hot dogs for the captain all the time. I cook for the captain. I don't cook for you, Gary Busey. Yeah, why don't you go talk to the captain? Give the captain a call.

What's awesome is in that movie, he keeps telling people to go talk to the captain long after Gary Bucy, while dressed as a woman, murders the captain. But, dude, guaranteed, he used to pull that fucking shit for everything. Oh, absolutely. There's probably no different. It's just like, it's just like, um, uh, Ryback, come on. Get out, get out of your bunk. You're sleeping. This is the military.

You can't just sleep till 1245. Go ahead. Go talk to the captain, all right? Yeah. I cook for the captain. I feel like the untold story of this whole thing is that he saved the captain's life. Or it was a thing where he saved the captain's hide. By that I mean, he caught the captain hiding with a prostitute.

Like it was a dead prostitute situation And he was like, oh boy, Ryback, you got to help me out of this gym And he was like, okay, but if I do this for you My next assignment on your ship And I get to play by my own rules Hey Ryback, you want to flush the fucking toilet after you take the shit Let's go talk to the captain Alright

Talk to the captain Now captain, I'll give rid of this dead body But I'm gonna have to cook it It's the only way out of this You can let you feed it to your men We'll make a chili in the brick I'm going to sear it. I'm going to sear it with a pear reduction.

It's going to be delicious. Steven Seagall is Hannibal. That show would have been instantly canceled. Why don't you go talk to the captain, Will? So we get into Pagosian's whole plan here is that he's going to, you know, he fires up the satellite. And his first point of order is, to destroy a chemical plant in China. Oh, yeah, it goes

down. Which, according to IMDB.com, I don't know how reliable this is, and we actually did an episode on, wait, did we do an episode on... We did a live episode. On Deadly Ground. On Deadly Ground. Oh, yeah, it's the same factory. The scene of the destroyed industrial facility

in China recycles unused footage, I don't know how unused this is, from On Deadly Ground, and on Deadly Ground, it's the Aegis Oil Facility. Yeah. Is it technically recycling the footage if it was unused in the first film? Yeah, I, do you see what Seventh Seagal just have this lying around? Well, he serves as a producer on both movies.

Actually, didn't he direct on Deadly Ground? Am I remembering that right? That sounds right. But I'm not going to. I think you're right. I think that's why it was so preachy. It is his environmental passion project. Which is so weird that he's like an environmentalist that just can't stand immigrants.

Well, I mean, he's one of those conservative conservationists that they exist. Yeah. In 1915. I think the one person that was that was Theodore Roosevelt. And after that, I don't know. I think my father qualifies as a conservative conservationist. Oh, you know, actually Richard Nixon wasn't that bad. Yeah, he was actually.

You know, he started the EPA. Yeah, exactly. For all his shenanigans. See, see, see, see, see, we're not just libtards. there's one part where eric bogusian is um he's trying to keep his uh location secret you know he doesn't want anybody to know he's on a train so he's doing a stupid like where you know where in the world could i be coming to you from and he has one of his terrorist buddies prop up a backdrop of paris and he stands in front of it and he's like oh look at me maybe i am in romantic palace

And I'm like, you know what, Eric Pagosian, why don't we just stick to making threats? Yeah, what do you want, face the nation? The fuck do you need a fake backchump for anyway? How about you're in, you're, there's a fucking wall behind you in Paris. Yeah, exactly. Just don't point the camera towards a window where everybody can see that you're on a fucking moving train. Go into a bathroom with a camera. That's, no, don't do that.

That's how people get in trouble. But you go talk to the captain, all right? But that's, like, one of these things I'm talking about that. Like, he's trying to make this, like, a fun villain. Yeah. And it is obnoxious. It's really grating. It really gets on you.

Really fucking steams my clams this performance. So, I mean, fuck it as if the world at large wouldn't be on his ass the minute you fucking destroy a nuclear facility in China. That's the thing. One of the guys in the government is like, oh. well don't worry about that sir we've got plausible deniability i was like something just blew up a chemical plant in china they pass it off in the movie as like an earthquake or whatever because this is the um this goddamn thing this satellite basically shoots

earthquakes it like penetrates that's what it does and then one of the guy like like one of the um other evil hackers is like oh mom the line with one of our investors. She'll say you'll pay you an additional $100 million if you blow up an airplane that his ex-wife is on. First of all, dude, Bert Reynolds do a pass on this? What the fuck is going on here? I'd shoot Lonnie right out of the sky. But it's like, dude, get the fuck over it. And like, why are you going to kill all these people? I'm sorry, you're missing a hundred million dollars. Here's the thing. If you have $100 million to get Eric Begozian to do this with his satellite, you can find other cheaper ways to have your ex-wife murdered.

Or maybe Eric Bogosian tested this before and blew up the plane that had Ryback's brother on it. Oh, it's sad now. But that's never mentioned. It's just planes crash all the time in 1995, I guess. Boy, you know, it looks like this here, 787 got hit with an earthquake. You know, your plane got hit with one of them air earthquakes. see them all the time these days cropping up more and more

I think it's because of global warming well you see the plates underneath the plane they hit each other and that's what causes the earthquake to happen isn't just turbulence

I don't know yeah that's yeah there's just turbulence Eric Wogosian does one of these skyquakes and the planes is playing out of this guy we you know we didn't

That's the thing I have a little issue with, because we had a lot of these Google Earth types of shots, and it's just like, there's the plane, and now it's getting red, which means the earthquake is hitting it, and now it's gone. That means the earthquake was successful. Oh, it's just bad computer graphics. I would like to see, you know, some models explode or something. Oh, yeah. You can do it. Like, why don't you cut to the interior of that plane? You have the character of the ex-wife. Like, maybe she's being shitting to somebody. Yeah. Let me see. some die hard too i was going to say you act very smart like die hard too you show that there's kids on the plane that's what die hard too does and it works because you feel even more terrible when that plane crashes and i mean you're upping the the evil factor and i mean we already know eripogosin is pure fucking devil evil but when he's not singing and dancing and making jokes yeah he's pure devil evil the whole i mean the whole team is kind of preposter because i another little line that

I really, I, I, I, it, it just made me chuckle. One of his guys is taking a kid by like the scruff of the neck and like throwing them to where like all the passengers are. Oh yeah. He just says, shut, shut that fucking bitch up. And the kid is four years old. Yeah, it's pretty crass. I guess that's why he's a villain. Eric Begozian also has this, I think it might have been doing the pay, the, the peri part where.

Oh, yeah. he goes on like this little rant about I'm so smart I'm smarter than all you guys I'm smarter than you Norad or whatever I was smarter than you before it's more than you after the whole yeah it's just oh my god he's peacocking

yeah it's obnoxious he's really doing it it's obnoxious so when they get hip to Segal like being on this train uh Eric Mugosian or I guess no technically Everett McGill orders a sweep of the train so Mike the cleaner is like all right everybody

why don't you go sweep the train he's up at front he is hilariously wearing a conductor's hat which is awesome they murder the conductors and he puts on a big choo choo conductor's hat which is great so he orders this guy to go like sweep the train and seagal he's

like right there he's on the roof again again he's on the roof of this train for some reason and he fucking gets in a fight with this dude and he shoots him off the train like off the front of the train and this motherfucker gets hit by the train and we see a movie dummy getting dragged for at least 100 feet before

being swallowed up by the train. Well, the shot is great because it looks like the train is eating him. Yeah, honestly, it was one of my favorite parts of the movie. It's going into the mangler. I guess some people are taken out of movies when they see dummies in peril, but I love it, man. Dude, throw dummy. I'll tell you what's great, too. I just recently, for the first time, uh, the other,

night, I saw the great Muppet caper. It's one of the only Oh, that's a great one. Yeah, it's the one of the only Muppet movies I hadn't seen. That's Charles Groton, right? Yes. And let me tell you, the amount of puppet throwing in that movie, oh, oh, it's

great. They're throwing puppets left and right. And it's the greatest gag ever. A dummy or a puppet getting tossed someplace? I love it. Just give it to me. Give it. And especially if it's a dummy that's getting eaten by the underside of a train. Oh, it's perfect.

And by the way, uh, Segal, you know, he's taking out a few guys here and there now. And some of these, some of these kills are pretty great because it's ridiculous. He just shoots the guys in the head. Like he shoots a guy in the head and like tosses them off the train. Like we get to, we get to see the fucking strawberry marmalade smash onto the fucking side of this train. There's an awesome, uh, speaking of these casual deliveries. So, like, Stephen Seagal decides he's going to make his presence known to the terrorists. And Morris Chestnut's like, hey, what are you doing?

And he's, like, mixing all this stuff into a bottle. And he's like, I'm making a bomb. Oh, yeah, it's coconut oil is one of them. Yeah, I don't remember all the. Glass. Oh, you got to have glass. Lighter fluid. It's awesome.

I don't know, Cheetos, maybe. I'm just making a bomb. And it's fucking great because he, it's there, a couple of the cars. on the train are like double-decker cars, you know? So all the terrorists have set up shop on the second level of one of these cars. So Steven Seagal, this is how he

gets their attention. He runs up these stairs, it's like a little spiral staircase, runs up the stairs, throws this bomb at a fat guy, and runs the fat guy catches it. There's a pager on it that

just says, you're fucked. And it blows up, and And then two fat guys catch on fire. And they're running around on fire for a while. It's amazing. And Eric Magosian, because he's just like a coward hacker villain, is standing there petrified. Everett McGill comes up, puts bullets in their flaming skulls. It's like, put these people out.

Like, it's just, it's just, Everett McGill is the villain in this movie. He's awesome in this movie. Well, Everett McGill, my favorite thing is that, so he, when he finds out that this is case, see ryebeck oh yeah oh everybody knows he right back he becomes immediately hard and this whole movie he just wants to fuck Stephen Segal

oh yeah the whole fucking thing like there's one point where he fights fuck him when he talks to Catherine Hegel about her uncle he's like I never knew I could be so scared and yet so feel so alive it's like he's so fucking weird it's like he is like some sort

of dude like in the Sahara like a poacher and he finds out right that he's going to get to hunt a white elephant and he's like so excited to kill this rare animal it's like here's ever McGill's shot here's Penn's shot at taking down Casey Rybeck next stop on this train Bonertown yeah by the way right before making all stops to Bonertown like I think it was right before he has that conversation with Catherine Heigle she takes out her pepper spray oh this is insane it sprays him in the face and it does like nothing to him he's just like licking his teeth he's like he's like ah pepper spray citizen grade pedestrian grade yeah pedestrian grade he says

after a while he just get used to it does nothing more than clean out the sinuses and he takes it and it's like a can of bonaca he's just like like sprays it in his mouth meanwhile peter green is like crying like his eyes are on fire it's awesome so he just sits at home and sprays himself and like

so you can build up a tolerance like Homer Simpson on the eggs so while Penn is rubbing himself off here downstairs

Morris Chestnut's having a fashion show because he's not sure what he what his hero garb is talking about casual in this movie

talking about not knowing what to do with your character have him sit around for 40 minutes trying on outfits and it's not even

that many outfits it's like different hoodies like it's like Yeah, it's really stupid. Well, the whole reasoning is because he's got his porter uniform on. This is a big white jacket. And Steven Seagal is like, take that fucking white shit off.

He's got some line to take that fucking white jacket off. So he forces more stress not to go through all the luggage to find the fucking just right outfit for oh such an occasion. Meanwhile, like, the facts finally goes through. Oh, right. The Newton finally transmits. Because by the way, Stephen Segal keeps getting foiled. by a busy signal. Come on.

Yeah, this fat chef was getting a lot of deals about travel to the Bahamas or something coming through in his fax machine or some shit. Yeah, by the way, like if you get a fat, like in 1995, I imagine if you get a fax, you're checking it. It's not just like all the fax is running all day.

My favorite thing is, you check it. This fucking Mario Batala looking motherfucker goes to his fax machine and he's instantly fucking furious that it's not the produce list. He's like, this isn't a produce list. Also, this guy that's this restaurateur, we get a little bit of backstory here. So between the events of the first movie in this one, Stephen Zagall has opened a restaurant.

It's become a celebrity military chef. Yes, no, he's a celebrity chef because the guy is like, oh, Steven Zagal, you've been away for too long. This is horseshit. Like, I can't keep this up. Like, these people are coming. He says, these people are coming here to see you. My food's so good, it's killer. That's probably what the name of the place is called.

Killer food. You've got a problem with that. You've talked to the captain, all right? I cook for the captain. Breakneck burgers. I found this lump. I'm going to say a clump of hair in my pasta. I think this is someone's face.

Part of an ear here. You go talk to the captain. Can you tell me where this captain is? Is he in the restaurant? You know what? If you can find him, you can talk to the captain. So I have to go outside the restaurant. Why don't you go try to piss up a flagpole, then try to talk to this captain, all right?

Oh, shit. Okay. Piss up a flagpole. So, okay, so now, now Mario Vitale, he ends up calling up Norad to the admiral. He dials 1,900 CIA headquarters. and gets instantly patched into this guy. And like, okay, it's like, they're like the war room and Kurt Wood Smith and all these people are there. And this admiral's just like, like, oh, we got this call from some fat chef in Colorado.

And he's like, all right, patch it through onto the fucking speakerphone in the entire building. Listen, we got nothing. We'll take suggestions from anybody. Apparently this fat Coloradoan chef has some insight into the situation. Listen, I'm all ears, everybody. I mean, I just watched half a China go fucking bye-bye, so I'm up for anything right now. And, like, that's when they put it together. Like, like, it's taken them a while to get to the point.

And I'm like, in what world would the military waste their time hearing anyone call them like this? What's awesome? But it does pay off because it's true. Because it's another scene of a bunch of people in a room going Casey Rybeck. Oh, Casey, Rybeck, Rybeck, oh, Kesey, Rybeck. And then there's the one person like, bah, who's Casey? Ryebeck. You don't know Casey Ryebeck? Where the fuck you've been?

You don't know Casey Ryebeck. You go watch Under Siege part one, all right? And then you go to the captain. Yeah, then try to talk to the captain. Step one, watch Under Siege. Step two, go talk to the captain. So now that the government, they have some idea that it's on this train going to whata, whatever,

they don't know it's on the train until the very end. All right, but they know Ryback's on. They know Bogosian is wherever. Yeah, they know. Because Bogosian makes like, he makes a sky call, a 1995 Skype call to him. And he's like, hey, remember me? And I faked my own death.

And they're all like, oh, yeah, never found that body. Yeah. That's a mistake. Well, shit. Well, he's fucked us again. So, and we should also mention the one billion dollars, the blowing up of the Chinese nuclear power plant and the ex-wife assassination midair were just kind of roll-ups to the big job.

The big billion dollar job. Oh, yeah. He's going to cause an earthquake underneath the Pentagon, which also houses a nuclear reactor. Yeah, I don't know if that's a true thing. I can't. I don't. A nuclear reactor, I imagine, has to be so many feet from the fucking Pentagon.

Well, I feel like that would have been a thing you would have heard about on 9-11. Like, oh, a plane crashed into the Pentagon. Wow, that's really fucked up because there's a nuclear reactor there. Or would we have heard that? because I believe, correct me from wrong. Lose change. It was a missile that actually hit the Pentagon and no plane at all. I think you're confusing which podcasts you're on right now.

Look, that's what happens. One of Eric's fugues states again. He's phasing in and out. I'll go talk to the captain. Yeah, he'll straighten you right out. They'll tell you where to go. By the way, at this point now, now Steven Seagall is still running around the... He's just randomly killing.

just running and killing he's back on the roof again at some point he gets up and off this roof like three times the female black snipers now after him a little bit and they're going around a curve and she's trying to snipe him from the other side of the train and let me just say if you guys haven't seen snow piercer yet i recommend checking it out because it reminded me of that yeah i mean this i mean it's a good it this movie really reminded me of like narrow margin and like those famous like train movies yeah and it while it's on the and since it is only 30 minutes it kind of works however and this is you know a thing they stop in the middle of the movie and the train stops and our main character gets off the train at one point yeah as does morris chestnut yeah and there's a big fuck around you were saying about like you know these train movies yeah and i was just thinking like you're the great train robbery this that and the it kind of doesn't make sense to hijack a train after

the Civil War Not not not really No it doesn't I mean their whole reasoning For picking a train It's some horseshit thing About the fact that they're constantly moving The whole time Yeah and it's something with like

Their satellites or some dog shit But you're right It's just like the last one was on a boat Let's put this in a train It's sort of like you know like Speed It's yeah right exactly Or, like, when they would always pitch movies, it's like diehard, but on a train.

Right, right, right, right. Just changed the location. So they pitched that film, I think it was called, like, Terror Train or something with Jamie Lee Curtis. They were like, oh, it's like Halloween, but I don't know, it's on a train. Oh, okay. Here's $5 million. Go make that movie. Well, that movie did not cost $5 million.

Yeah, you're right. Maybe, you know, Jamie Lee Curtis might have gotten 30, you know, 30 grand from that. It certainly wasn't $5,19. 80s money. Certainly not. So there's a little fucking around. They get off the train and there's an awesome scene where they're hanging over this cliff.

It's like Steven Seagall gets tossed off this cliff and he's trying to figure out how to climb back up. Because he looks like he's about to die. I mean, he's got cowboy boots on entirely impractical. Yeah, these aren't rocker. These aren't rock climbing. Not a single carabiner.

There's no way, you know, it's movie magic. But like, how does he even hold on of this ledge, it's amazing. It's astounding. It is astounding. I think it's because he had the foresight to go talk to the captain before. Oh, yeah, that's always a good man. I mean, if you do talk to the, I mean, if you're Steven's Scull and you talk to the captain, you can get your chit done. You know, I heard

you and the cap and can make it happen. Yeah, yeah, no. But so, the whole thing at this point in the film is they're trying to get this CD ROM that Morris Chestnut stolen out of Eric Bogosian's computer. They have a tower in this. They have... Yep. It's like a

fucking... What were they called? Packard Bell. Was that the name of making computers? Hewlett Packard? There's Hewlett Packard. Comp USA. Oh, no.

Comp USA was a store. Whatever. It's a gateway. A gateway. Oh, shit. Those are the ones. Yeah, the big cow logo on the side of this computer.

If you're wondering, gateway computers is not really a thing anymore because they were supporting terrorism in the 90s on a train. Yeah, that's exactly right. They gave this one free to. Bogosian. Yeah.

So he's, the CD-ROM has all the launch coordinates, something, something or other. Basically, Eric Bogosian's plan doesn't work without the CD-ROM. Morris Chestnut steals it. So then they separate. So one faction goes after Morris Chestnut. The other faction goes after Stephen Seagal.

Steven Seagal has fallen off this mountain and he's hanging on by a thread. And this guy belays down. And Steven Seagal jumps off of the mountain onto this dude who's hanging by this rope and starts fucking fighting him while hanging from a rope. It's awesome. Pretty cool stuff.

Pretty fantastic. And then another guy comes down and Stevens-A-Gal just shoots him and the guy falls and he's like, these guys keep getting, what does he say? He's like, these guys just keep getting dumber and dumber or something like that.

It's raining men. Man, if he fucking said that, that's the best line of the movie. I better watch out down there. It's raining men. Somebody go tell the captain. Look out. Nobody.

In my alternate universe where he's a fashionable gay man, like that's what's happening. Right. And it's awesome. And we should get to a point. I want that movie to happen. I guess, yeah. I mean,

I want that movie to happen. I mean, it's not impossible. I'm sick of it. You'd have to sit down with Stephen Sagal for a few hours. I'm just telling you. I'm sick of all the Hollywood coded gay villains and no, like, gay hero action star. Yeah, code me a gay hero. I could do it.

I can be up for that. I can't wait. Yeah. And have it not be in a Gregoraki movie, please. So there's an awesome part where Morris Chestnut gets back on the plane. And Peter Green's about to murder him. And he's like telling him like, oh, okay, you want to face the gun or face away. I'll give you the choice.

And it's like so poorly done because the whole time you know that Steven Seagal is sneaking up behind this guy. Yeah. You don't see him, but you know he's there because a more. Morris Chestnut's doing a bad job of, like, fake looking in his direction. And he's just like, hey, man, you're going to help me out here? And then Seagall comes in and breaks this dude's neck. Yeah. It's a pretty sweet neck break.

And Morris Chestnut actually, when, while it's reigning men for Seagal, Chesnut is killing the one very, very open racist of Bogosian's crew. Yeah, that's right. He gets the racist guy. that's pretty great. He just fucking shoots this dude. This guy, I mean, and like the guy is, I mean, this, according to the backstory, Penn has called all of these people from the very best terrorist organizations. They're the best of the best. And this guy gets fooled by Morris Chestnut turning

and putting his hand in his fucking hoodie pocket. Oh, it's crazy. Get the fuck out of here. They're looking for the CD-ROM and his hoodie pocket had ripped open so he doesn't know where the CD-ROM is anymore. Everett McGill finds it under the train on the tracks. Okay. Young listeners may not know. It's getting scratched. It's got to shit.

There's no fucking way that CD's working anymore. It's not working. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. And also, like, the beginning of the movie, Eric Magosian is like, he's just holding it, date aside, fingers all over it. He's kissing it. This CD's going to skip. No, yeah. It's, yeah. It's so. He gets very weird with his computer programs.

There's a point where he starts singing to all his ghost satellites. Oh, yeah. Well, this brings me to the single worst part of this movie, in my opinion. It's one of those scenes where Eric Bogosian's just alone. No one is with an earshot. He's doing a Rod Serling impression of the opening Twilight Zone narration. Oh, yeah. And instead of...

saying there's a signpost up ahead next stop the twilight zone he says there's a signpost up ahead next stop dark territory oh wow wow wow it's the dumbest thing ever and he's doing a really bad Rod Serling impression and it's not funny

it's not fun and I'm throwing up all over my couch. Well that was the line that I was thinking about earlier he's just by him he's not even talking a pen he's just by himself and he's saying this shit you're traveling through another dimension a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind

that's a signpost up ahead your next stop dark territory around now I think the government finds like they got a lock on the satellite they found it again finally they know it's a train and they shoot the satellite

and they're like yes oh we did it and it turns out they didn't do it yeah they just shot some other some other satellite yeah whoopty fuck great the stakes are higher under siege too and I mean that's just kind of it like for the rest

of the movie it's seagall blowing shit up and fighting people while they tried to find the right fucking satellite to kill and obviously Catherine Hegel's a hostage at this point but they never really torture her or go for it no like ever McGill finds out that she's his niece

but they don't do anything about it they just take her yeah they They put her in a room for 30, 40 minutes of the movie. I was expecting a Gary Oldman, Air Force One, you have fucking 10 minutes to fucking do this thing, or I'm shooting this person in the head. Man, Gary Oldman was good in that thing. He's great in that movie. He makes that awesome for me. It's around this time, there's another hilarious exchange that I wanted to mention.

It's when Steven Seagal, like, again, because he's climbing through the air ducts on this train and all sorts of horseshit. How small are air ducts on a train? I know. They're definitely not housing Stephen Seagall. A 1995 Stephen Seagall, that's for sure. I just imagine, like, people are looking up at the fence and it's just shaking back and forth. You don't like it? Go talk to the captain.

But so he pops out of one of these events in the bathroom. And there's this woman in there, like, one of the hostages, who's using the bathroom. And he's like, oh, but be quiet, be quiet. We'll go talk to the captain in a minute. Oh, yeah. So he's like, I'm here to help. I'm going to devise a plan. You've got to help me with it.

Hooters. So the guy, the guy outside is like, hurry up in there, lady. What are you taking a dump? And this woman opens the door. And she's like, got her shirt open. And she goes, oh, I'm sorry. My bra broke. And then Steven Seagal emerges from behind this tiny lady and just shoots this guy.

But here the thing is you gave that line reading, like more, more, more, more, more, more emotion at all. She was just like, I broke my bra I broke my bra. And then after, after, only after he murders this man, Steven Seagall looks at a dead body and goes, ha, tits to die for, huh?

Oh, mercy. Somebody should have brought this screenplay to the captain. Meanwhile, now the terrorists are realizing they're being murdered at record high numbers. Yeah. And one of the guys, like, says to Everett McGill, like, you know, you fuck this shit up, you know? Oh, yeah. And Ever McGill just, like, gets this guy and, like, chokes and, like, rips it, you know, like, just murders this guy, like, just sends him to another dimension.

He murders him so well. And he's like, does anyone else think I fucked up? And I mean, at this point, it's him, Bogosian, the woman, and, like, two other guys. Yeah. Like, the herd has really thinned down. He's got a point there, Penn. There are reinforcements on the way because, what's that? A chopper, I hear?

Oh, yeah, dude, you got to have a chopper in this movie. Wait, but isn't, well, it's war times. Is this copter or chopper? No, these are definitely choppers, man. You deal with mercenaries? Weaponized. Weaponized. They're choppers, okay.

Yeah, it's not copters. Okay. It's choppers. I just wanted to make that clear. No, no, you're right. You're right in addressing the situation. We appreciate it. Okay, good. I'm glad.

We definitely need to distinguish copter and chopter shots. By the way, I did note that he, in speaking of Casey Ryback, Penn does say he scares me and I like it. Yeah, well, he's getting hard. Yeah, this is like, it's getting hard for Segal. And it gets, and actually my favorite scene of the sequence of the movie is when, he takes Catherine Heigle and like strings are up weirdly this is one of the worst examples of like the poor editing in this movie because it just cuts from one scene to Everett McGill has already just strung her up like at random there's no warning about this there's no like scene before it where like he says uh you know when I come back here if you're not doing something like things are going to get much worse it's like there's definitely stuff missing from this Oh, yeah. She's already strung up. She's in like mid yell, you know, and he's just like, all right, yeah, I'm going to kill you. And then Steven Seagall comes on. This is like the big end fight of the movie, right? Right. So like, McGill puts a grenade in Catherine Heigel's hand and it's like, you know, don't drop this, blah, blah, blah. And then they have this awesome hand-to-hand fight. The whole time, he's like, I can't wait to take Casey Ryback hand-to-hand combat. Guns are out of the question. We're just doing this mono-e-mono. They both have knives.

It's a big fight. Everett McGill gets super killed. I don't remember exactly how he kills him, though. There's a lot of, like, tossing him into kitchen stuff, obviously. Oh, it's what Casey Rybex known for him. It's a neck break. Oh, yeah, yeah. Neck breaks, nice little slices.

Well, he, what happens is Casey Rybeck stabs him in the liver, and he comes, and then he says, I'm ready to go. He comes? Everett McGill comes because he's been so hard to fight. Casey Ryebeck. Not only did I get to fight him, I got pasted by him all. There's no shame in being beaten by the best. There's quite a lot of pleasure to be beaten by the best.

So Morris Chestnut somehow got on to that HALC, excuse me, Chopper. Chopper. And he fights with the, the sniper chick, yeah. The sniper chick and him go at it. And he kicks her, because he's on the ladder. Yeah. Right. Like Stephen Seagal says, like, get up there and, like, keep this chopper from going away. And she follows him up. And they have like a little bit of a fight in the helicopter.

And he totally just murders this woman. Yeah, he kicks her out and she just lands on the train, which is a great shot. Nice dummy use again. Again, this dummy use. It's the third example of awesome dummy use. And one of the guys from when it's raining men, he gets dummied. He gets his head slams on all the rocks. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. Sick dummy throws, man.

So, yeah, so then Morse Chestnut puts a gun up to this helicopter pilot. The pilot is working for Everett McGill. And he's like, now you're going to stay here and get this ladder lower. I'm going to blow your fucking brains out or whatever he says. And he also says, like, sure did, baby. Because the pilot kind of had a thing with the girl that he just murdered. Oh, right. It doesn't even turn around.

He just assumes that the girl murdered this thing. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so there's some fun interplay there. So we're down to Eric Begosian. Everything has gone awry. Like, it's not going to work out for Eric Begosian. Catherine Hegel drops this hand grenade, like, by his feet as they're kind of running out.

And it blows up. He's, like, not killed, but he's kind of injured. And there's that final comfort, well, second to final confrontation. Well, because Eric Begozian is not taking Casey Rybin. No. And the whole thing is. Begosian has set the train on a different track so it's going to run head on

to this oil train well they're in dark territory dark territory by the way is just the thing where like because of the coverage of mountains or whatever they can't use radios that's all it means so they're going to run head on into this oil train and Eric Begozian

says that there's no way to stop his attack on the eastern seaboard to destroy Washington DC and whatnot yes and he's lying well they stop yeah well here's the thing it turns out to be a lie

he's like oh oh you know oh really oh there's no way to stop that huh oh okay and he just shoots like the cellular telephone strapped to his laptop on his body on his body oh right and it's just like it instantly

dies then it's like the connections loss so he goes oh I didn't think of that as he like doubles over dying yeah he falls out of the train shots in the belly. Yeah. Says the man who created a weapon that shoots earthquakes

anywhere on the world. Anywhere on the planet. Via the internet CD-ROM that he somehow didn't think you could sever a connection to the internet or whatever. I just figured with all my free AOL hours this weapon would have been up forever.

You know what? I just figured there wouldn't be any guns near this thing. Was that an AOL disc that there were a fucking looking for everything. It's a trial. It was. It was your fucking 30-day trial of AOL. It was before you could get instant messenger on its own, but you had to have the profile

and everything. Oh, you had to have the whole thing. Norad was just chatting with him on instant messenger. Like, hey, come on. Don't do this. So the trains collide. They're running out. Catherine Heigel gets pulled up in the ladder.

But Seagal is like running out the back of this train. And he's running through all the cars to get. they've crashed at this point Mike the cleaner's killed like he's not in this movie for like 55 minutes and then you see him for a split second still driving the train and he's like

he still got like the locomotive head on he's just like uh oh walter and then it just fucking blows up he's instantly killed every shot like that I kind of want the guy to always be eating a sandwich yeah just totally caught off guard fucking sloppy sandwich he's mid meatball nice eyeballs

and like his grip on the sandwich loosened slightly before impact so like all this ham starts falling out oh no this piece of lettuce is sticking out of his fucking mouth yeah that's what I want and then there's a chain of events that is so implausible

I just couldn't even believe that they decided to do this in the movie so Eric Mugosian had been shot and he fell out of the train there is this garbage CGI shot we have it's amazing of him like on the side of the tracks like on the ground just like he's just dying it's so terrible

and then the train starts blowing up and you're like wow he's dead huh okay that's cool seagall makes it out he jumps onto the ladder he jumps out of the caboose jumps onto the ladder in midair heroic escape it's fantastic somehow eric bogusian is now hanging on to the helicopters ladder. Right. Get out of town. Somebody better go take this up with the captain. It's like the Batman and Joker now.

Yeah, it's insane. Like, just let him die back at that explosion. Because it's just 30 seconds later, Steven Seagal just fucking kicks him. And he falls into the fire anyway. It's even better than that because they're caught up this ladder under the chopper or whatever.

And they get up there and like Eric Bogosian's already his his tasteful tweed jacket's already burning. Ridiculous. And he's got his hands, like, gripping on the side of it. Seagal just quickly closes the door to this thing and it slices all his fingers off. Oh, right. And then he falls into it.

That's right. Which makes me wonder, what exactly is the velocity needed to slice fingers off with a door? Well, in Grand Budapest, they have it right because it's just like a real quick slam. And, like, it's on the side. And it makes sense there. This is a little, like, the sliding across. don't know if that works as well as much. The sliding across makes less sense than it does in Grand Budapest. Because Grand Budapest, it's like, it's between where the door is closing

and the door. So that makes sense. This is like the bottom of the door frame. You'd think you'd be pushed. Yeah, you would just get pushed over. The hand would get pushed over and then sure maybe fingers get cut off. Unless maybe, do you think this like, they're like sharpening this chopper door because it's like such a weaponized copter at this point that they're sharpening the doors it's a chopper that's owned by villains so it's possible they sharpen the doors like not a chopter with a chopped door oh my god shit that's oh oh my god it chopper stands for so much how does he not have that line though like talk about a chopper that would be great right as begosian falls into the flames and then he pisses on him i i'm speaking of i want to

I recommend McGruber at this point. Very underrated, awesome, hilarious movie. One of my favorite comedies of the last decade, I would say. It's fantastic. Love that McGruber, man. I would love if Steven Seagal, you know, speaking of the Grand Budapest, he just, he takes a handkerchief. He starts picking up all the fingers. He just has him in his pocket.

He's going to make it, he's going to make a jumbaya with them, I bet. So now that his niece is safe, Casey Ryback goes and visits his brother's grave, who he hadn't spoken to five years prior to his death. so there was no closure there. There still isn't because he's dead. I never thought I never have a chance. You get Steven Seagal back in those dress whites. Yeah. He's looking very handsome.

Oh, beautiful. And it just ends. There's some bullshit song about brothers. They managed to find a song that's about brothers and trains. The same song. A guy's singing about hanging out with his brother and they're riding on trains. Oh, God. I wish I paid attention to that.

there's also a dumb thing where I don't know I don't remember if it's like Seagal calls in or what the deal is but somebody is like hey the hostages are saved and everybody that's in

like the little NORAD area starts cheering I'm like listen that doesn't make sense you're just happy that Eric Bogosian has been stopped you don't give a fuck about these hostages that's not your motivation

as a secret government shadow organization BT Dubbs nuclear crisis in china also that's happening maybe we should be you know putting our focus you know okay it's great eric bogusian is like you know flame food and everything but like let's be honest here there's a fucking nuclear crisis that just happened to china maybe we need to fucking take care of that before we fucking start slamming ourselves on the back but the biggest piece of bullshit in this entire movie i will say is the fact that they've done all this stuff bogusian's dead blah blah blah blah. They still have the

Grazer 1 satellite and they decide to destroy it. Bullshit. Oh, yeah. Now that the government has complete control of it, it's cost probably more than the billion dollars that Begozzi were loaded.

You're keeping that satellite. Oh, yeah. Over Kurtwood Smith's dead body, you're getting rid of that fucking satellite. From my cold dead dumbass hand. Absolutely, man. That's, I didn't not think of that, but you're absolutely right. They're not blowing that up.

No way. No, no, no. Nope. Would anybody recommend Under Siege 2 Dark Territory? I would. It's nowhere, it's a super inferior sequel. It's not a good movie, but it's so dumb and it's fun. There's great kills. There's a bunch of marmalade on the walls. There's dummies fly in. You could certainly find better things to do with your time, but you can probably find worse things to do with your time I mean this is a strong recommend for me this is one of probably my favorite Segal movies and like

like I said I remember this movie almost beginning to end I don't remember much of the first under siege and I don't know if it's just because I saw the second one before I saw the first one and this is almost exactly what I want from a Segal movie it's 90 minutes long you're fighting people

there's a lot of bad lines and there's a big hammy villain in the middle of it yeah that's really all I want And he, you know what, it's, it works and all the deaths are really good. Oh, yeah. I big recommend. This is a solid recommend for me, too. This is a perfect summer blockbuster movie.

It was released. Actually, I just looked at it up July 14th, 1995. So this time next year, 20th anniversary. That's creepy. They're going to put out the Blu-ray. That's how they do it. Well, actually, it's already out. Oh, no, I mean a special edition.

You know what's insane? I didn't even put this together. We're recording this right now on July 14th. Oh, there we go. 19 years ago to the day. You could have seen this movie. Holy shit. Fuck.

Now I'm really going to have to talk to that captain. I reel it now I have to. I think next summer you might maybe, you know, before the end of 2014, somebody pitches an under siege remake. And just in time for under siege, the new one to come out, they put out the under siege to. Would you remake it? Or would you just do another one with, with cigar? playing in case you ride back. I think you start from the beginning and you replace Seagall. You can't at this point Seagall is like you. Yeah. You get somebody like who doesn't

cost you like Cam Gagandette or whatever the fuck. Who? What are you even saying? That's an actor's name. Cam Jogondet. Yeah. It's Cam C-A-M. Yeah, I got that part. G-I-G-A-N-D-E-T. From what? He's, um, he's in that martial arts movie, never back down with Amber Hurd. He's the villain in that. I'll take your word for it. There was a movie recently where it's like Bad Johnson or something like that, where his penis comes and starts talking to him. What?

You want this guy to take over the Casey Rybeck Empire? He's physically fit. Uh-huh. He costs nothing. Clearly, if he's doing a talking cock movie. I think I mean, I'm saying,

I think that's where you're ending up. I think you shoot for bigger. I'll say you know what um um um justified's wrapping up soon i could see him in an action movie for fuck yeah dude but they would have to be good well i mean after hitman it better be good yeah i wonder what he's going to do about movies after justified because it's one more season then he's out of there god damn i still got to finish this season didn't do it's good season really strong season uh mich rap report as a like alabama like alabama hick gangster pretty good yeah i I got, I mean, I got to him, but that accent's just not there.

Yeah. It's really not. It's definitely one of the weaker seasons, but I think the show still delivers. It's a great show. Yeah. That's Under Siege 2, Dark Territory from 1995, directed by Jeff Murphy. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHM Podcast.com. There you will find back catalog episodes that are not available on iTunes.

Click on the episodes tab, and you can have hours. of laughs ahead of you, if you are new to the program. Like us on Facebook, facebook.com slash we hate movies and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com and rate and review the show wherever you subscribe to it. Next week, we have the final episode of our summer blockbuster extravaganza before. That's right. We go on summer vacation.

We will be on break for the month of August. Got a little bit of a surprise in store for new listeners. and old listeners, so don't fret. We won't technically be gone, but we're taking August off, so I figure we'll let you know now. But clue for next week's episode, Eric Siska. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, The Secret of the Wooze.

Yeah, you know, we're all... Try to figure it out. Take your time, try to figure it out. We're all going to be on hand. You're going to be doing the Bella Lagosie voice all next week. Is that what people have to look forward to? I'm going to be in character. All four of us,

We'll be on hand next week to talk about, oh, what a bad movie the second Turtles is. I can't wait. I can't wait to get chatting about the second Ninja Turtles. I'll tell you this, though, in anticipation of part two, I rewatched part one. Oh, solid. I wasn't it enjoying it? What? I don't know.

Get out of your own house. I mean, I was still liking it. It just wasn't as great as I remembered it being. It's a little slow. It is slow. It is slow. That was my problem with it. But other than, I mean, as compared to what we're about to talk about next week.

Yeah, that's true. And the third one, which is fucking ridiculous. And how about the new one, which we'll see how that turns out. That's good. I can't wait. You know, we might end up, if, honestly, if it's a real, real dutter. We might see two turtles up in a year. Two turtles up.

And another little hint for you, a little teaser, little animation damnation going to be coming out on the Ninja Turtles cartoon show. It's a lot of turtle-related stuff next week. It's going to be pretty exciting. Yeah, the 80s show. The 80s show, yeah. The best. It's coming out of our shells. Bam, did it.

Oh, God. So until next week, when I hopefully recover from that joke, I'm Andrew Juppin. Chris Gavin. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. Thank you.