We Hate Movies - S4: WHM Mail Bag: Chuck E. Cheese, Vasectomies and Divorce

Episode Date: June 6, 2014

On this WHM Mail Bag, the gang opens up some letters talking about strange Chuck E. Cheese encounters, divorced dads at the movies, favorite Jim Belushi films and academic Abraxas crossword puzzles! PLUS: A letter from an actual American hero.  If you have a silly, fun, sad, outlandish, weird story that you think is WHM-related, write in! Send all eerie tales to [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

It's been too long as we're going to be able to be a little bit of the old WHM mailbag to the public to the public. God, it was like, what, two years ago we did that last one? Yeah, I guess so. I wish there was, like, radio drama we could do with, like, da, da, da, da, da. Like, if we can get, like, some sound effects of what it would sound like to go inside of a mailbag. All right. No.

Can I record someone opening a satchel? Yes. Yeah. Eric rubbing a backpack against a microphone. Great foli artist. So I thought what we could do because we have, I mean, there's a whole pile letters. Yeah. There's so many.

Unfortunately, some of them go unanswered. You know, we try our best to respond to people when we can and whatnot. But I got here in my hand. Oh, there you guys. It's a thunder and lightning? No, it's rattling paper. But I see how you could have been fooled. I have some emails here that I think we should go through and just read something I found amusing.

And some are nice. And some are just downright weird. Oh, and also, you know, advanced warning. If you send us an email, we might read it. Yeah, it's all barking. It's okay to print for us. Yeah. We're not going to give your email address out.

Probably not. I'm just apologizing advanced. No, we do not. We do not sell information. Also, we will not be reading last names. It's all just going to be first names, and that's it. And social security numbers. Yeah, first names and social security numbers.

But, you know, without the last name, they can't find you. No, they can't. So let's say, I'm going to go through these here. I'll give us all, like, some to read. I think that's fun. Here, let's start. I'm going to start with this one, Steve. I'm going to give it to you.

You weren't on the episode. episode that he's talking about here, but... So I'll be asking the question? No, you'll be reading the email. Okay. It's not a question. Okay. You should read the subject line, too.

Sex on a gondola. So this is clearly referencing our episode on Hot Dog the movie. From someone named Mike. In your Hot Dog the movie episode, you mentioned that the listener should write in if they have ever gotten a blowjob on a gondola. I used to work at a ski resort with a... With a couple of gondolas. I'm getting less and less, this is getting less and less believable as it goes along.

Why? Because the ski resort had more than one gondolas. Yes. A couple of gondolas hanging out. Literally hanging out. I'd love to accept this job offer. How many gondolas do you have here exactly? Oh, just one, huh?

Listen, I'm a professional. I'm not going to give the name of the resort, but most of the gondola cars had been sex tainted by the employees in just in a few years. years I'd work there. Oh, man. I personally claimed two cars, but some of my buddies had up to five cars that they'd had sex in. This is what I'm talking about.

Every time we do a ski comedy, this is the life I'm talking about. And remember, if you're going to a ski resort, bring, I don't know, some all-purpose cleaner, give it a nice wipe down. Don't take those gloves off until you get up top. You want to keep your snow pants on, your gloves on, breathe out your mouth. And then burn those snow pants when you get home. I clearly burn your snow pants. Of course, these were all employees, no customer on customer action.

As ridiculous as hot dog the movie was, a lot of the insane parts are pretty realistic when it comes to the ski bum lifestyle in all its promiscuous, dirty and disgusting glory. P.S. I know who Nick Nolte is, which is good. That's very good. But I feel like if, I don't know why the percent, like if there was a Venn diagram of people in the world who know who Nick Nolte is and people in the world who have worked. at sexy ski resorts, there'd be a lot of overlap there. Oh, yeah, it's almost like a lunar eclipse. Eric, I just gave you one that I think is pretty weird. This one's great, though.

This one's called Food Fights and Vesectomies by Jason. Love the show. I listen while I work. It makes the monotonous day go by so much quicker. I just felt like sharing that I listened to you guys, tear apart. Food fight while getting my balls whacked. Whacked?

Whacked? Yeah. Yeah. It's a hard age. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think there's a correlation between the two, but I figured I should let you know. I might have been the only person laughing during that kind of procedure. Keep up the good work, guys.

That's a stay awake procedure? Oh, yeah, dude. I don't put you down? No, because I think it's all with like lasers and stuff. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Yeah, dude, it's like a goldfinger chair. Don't they need to like make a cut and peel it back and then get the laser in? Or do they just laser straight through? I think it's just lasering.

Like laser to do it and then you peel and then the laser for the rest of it. Jason, please write us back about the exact procedures. I mean, I suppose we could always use Wikipedia or something, but then you run the risk of getting weird pictures. It's his email address, birth control. be damned at gmail.com yes all right this one I have

this is a question this will ignite a little bit of discussion here so the subject line is the best of Belushi from Rob who writes I know you guys are always looking for mailbag material so I watched Michael Mann's thief for the first time last night

and was surprised not only to learn that it co-starred Mr. James Belushi but also that he was pretty good in it so I ask you movie haters what's the best Jim Belushi movie best as in actually best not would you make an episode out of it best I've never seen Thief uh it's excellent yeah it's great I know that it's just on my list of things that I got to do there's that I mean I would say he's great in um ghost writer with oh yeah the Polanski flick with you and McGregor right small role also uh Salvador the Oliver Stone movie oh yeah that's also great because it's like

it's a decent movie, but also there's people just shooting guns at him all the time. But I mean, honestly, you might have done it there, a fella, I forgot your name. Rob. Rob. Because Thief is a great movie, so it's probably his

best. I think Thief is the best Jim Belushi movie. It might be, speaking of my cinematic au revoir, one of movies that I've seen, but I think Taking Care of Business is the best movie that I've seen, Jim Bullish. I thought you I think you're going to say the principal.

Oh, actually, no, the principal's a better movie. The principal's a better movie. I actually kind of, I still legitimately like the principal. I would watch the principal right now if you put it on. The principal's, you know, one of those good hangover movies. I don't know if we had been talking about hangover movies back then, but when we did the episode on it. But that's totally a good hangover movie. All right, Steve, you're a product of divorce.

I'm going to give you this one. You just lead with that every time. Mrs. Delfire and the Weird Relationship My Dad My Dad has with this movie By John No H, so now I'm giving way more information That I probably should Now someone's rob in his house

Jonathan Yeah, he's Jonathan Okay I don't trust him Not John like the apostle Hey I finished the Mrs. Daufire episode And it was incredible Oh, thank you

Well, my father never dressed up as a woman although if my mom needed a nanny after seeing this movie he probably would have tried question mark the first time I remember seeing my dad cry was when he took me and my older brother to see this in the theater my parents split up in the fall of 92 and as per usual and not like

and not at all like it's shown in the movie the divorce proceeding was going on for quite a long time I know what that's like but it finalized four years later granted I was a kid so I didn't see any of this going on but what I did see was my he took my brother and I to see this During the courtroom, I'm just a crazy guy who loves this kid's scene. My father, visibly choking back tears and failing, just muttered to my brother, your mother should see this movie.

It's been a joke between my brother and I for years, and it just made this episode all the better. Thanks for the great work, and I look forward to hearing more. I really appreciate that, because that's all you ever hear about with the divorce and the sadness And, like, oh, my God, I can never, I'll never, I'll never, I'll never, I'll never forget that time. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. And my dad started crying. Like, no, that's kind of hilarious. Like, there's, I have a ton of those stories where it's kind of hilarious. There's just the weird memories that you have, right? Like, my folks are still together, but for a while, they were separated, you know? And right when they got separated, it was, like, kind of close to Christmas. So during that time, like, we had to go to my dad's bachelor pad for Christmas Eve. Yeah.

And we just watched Ernest saves Christmas. So now just every time I see Ernest saves Christmas and they're just in that bank or whatever's happening in that movie, I'm just like, ugh. Remember that? Remember all that mahogany? The first time I went to my dad's bachelor pad for Christmas, he cooked a ham and we were eating it and enjoying it, you know, waiting to open our presents. And somebody asked how he made it and he's like, oh, I basted it in Pepsi. And literally, before he got the E out in Pepsi, I threw up everywhere. I ran to the bathroom and just heave hawed all over the place.

Was this a recipe that he got from somebody or was he just like, well, why not? All out of honey. Let's see what's in the fridge. I got relish and Pepsi. And old Chinese food, I guess. Let's mix it all together. Wait, so, but before he told you that, though, was it good? As I remember it, I was probably like seven or something.

That's like one of those things, like when someone cooks you a meal and then, like, when you're done with it, they're like, Oh, did you like that? Was it good? You're like, yeah, it was good. They're like, did you really like it? And you're like, yeah, it was good, man. And they're like, yeah, you want to know what it really was. I'm like, fucking fuck you, dude.

You can't do that shit. No, up front. Yeah. All right, let's see. Eric, you read this one. This is a good one. This is a better be. This is exemplifying what's wrong with the education system in this country.

Marginally. Marginally amusing bad movie. How do you say that word again? Annecdicto. Yeah. I'm doing my blame it on outer space character right now. By Lawrence. Dude kids.

Look out for Lawrence. So he says, hey, you gang, and he goes into this thing about how great we are. And then he says, it's always nice. No, I appreciate it. First, in high school, some of my friends were taught history by one of these poor bastards who thought cool meant letting the kids do whatever the fuck they want. This somehow led them to taking actual in-class time to watch Abraxis instead of learning of why the Civil War happens. This is what I'm talking about. Then for reasons that are frankly inexplicable, he decided to have an extra credit section on the final about it.

It was a crossword about a braxus. Was this class being taught by Jesse the Body Ventura? It was worth about half the grade. So obviously everyone in the class decided to spend their time studying by rewatching a stupid Jesse Ventura movie and taking detailed notes instead of trying to learn why George Washington was such a good president. Now, I've got to sit you down here, Lawrence, and let you know that George Washington wasn't in the Civil War. Yeah. Well, I mean it just means it was like an American history class.

Clearly, Lawrence's view of American history has been irreparably altered by this class. fucking son of a bitch that's shown a Braxas. It's not Lawrence's faulty thinks that George Washington was Abraham Lincoln. There is a chance, all by a small one, that George Washington might have been Secundus. He might not have been, but this teacher's sure might have been Mr. Brundas over here. Oh, it looks like another person fell victim to Mr. Prudundas' U.S. history class.

It's a bunch of Abraxas questions and a whole bunch of things about Danish culture that they don't need to be teaching in America. Since most of the people were relying on the Abraxas section to boost their scores, this meant that everyone failed the test. Yeah, well, that sounds about right. Sorry. Sorry. But yeah, seriously, at least Civil War, at least Wikipedia, the Civil War, you know, get the main themes. down well i mean there's a shot if you're watching a braxis in class that this was a while ago yeah

this might be pre-wiki it was back uh you know when there was more than one copy of that movie floating around a video store that's that's unfortunate i hope that teacher was fired think about that everyone gather around and watch a braxis i mean put on put on a movie that takes place in history yeah my senior year in high school like towards the end of the year uh we watched a lot of SNL when it aired on Comedy Central, like the teacher, all the classrooms had like a TV hanging from the ceiling and for some reason they all got cable. I don't know why classrooms in a high school would need cable. But yeah, those were the only times I, the two times I watched cable in high school on a television was Saturday live reruns and a 9-11 coverage. I'd like CNN or

So you were hooting and hollering. Hootting and hollering for one. And then not enjoying Victoria Jackson on the other one. That's a bad joke. Speaking of jokes, we got, someone wrote in, they didn't leave their name, but they are

Samurai Karasu. Oh, we might have said too much. We might have blown their cover. Sorry of Valerie Plume. Joke Jack. You got to go back in time for them. Her Valerie Plain?

Whatever. Like the, she's mentioned in the December song, never mind. Didn't they make a movie about that? I think Naomi Watts and Jonathan Penn. Yeah. And you know what?

That movie went nowhere. I remember when that came out. It was like, she's playing Valerie Plame. And then it just went straight to dust. That's where her, for some reason, Naomi Watts can't open a movie these days.

Like, it just goes straight to DVD. That Diana movie. Yeah. That movie was D.O.A. And you know, it's funny, her Australian compatriot, Nicole Kidman,

And that Grace Kelly movie's looking the same way. It got fucking laughed out of the Cannes Film Festival. Going nowhere. So the subject line to this email is, with regards to Jeffrey Jones being an enormous pedophile. Okay. So we all know where we stand with that. He comes up on the show every now and again. Right.

Make sure to be, you know. Innocent until proven guilty. Yeah. Although, no, didn't he do time? He was proven guilty. He took some out of court settlements. Oh, that's how they get around that. I'm saying this for legal purposes.

Yeah, you're right. He's an alleged. Correct. Yes. So, let's see. Skip, up, up, but, skip over, skip over. Okay. I was spending some time in a Chuckie Cheese on my nephew's third birthday.

Mistake number one. The problem was the nephew wasn't there. That's an easy joke. And I was sitting around trying to find something to do that wouldn't make me want to blow my brains out. Chucky cheese is fun. Come on. Yeah. As I stood up to find anything to do, I bumped into an older man in a brown coat.

I apologized, and as I looked at him, I could have sworn that it was none other than Jeffrey Jones himself. No way. Just with a gray mustache and significantly less hair. This man was holding a tray with no food on it and only a cup full of tokens as he wandered over to an empty table, not next to a single family in the entire establishment, and put on a big, creepy fucking smile. I got a question. tokens. Do they have video games at these Chucky Cheeses? Yeah, yeah. Have you never been to a Chucky Cheese? When I was a

kid, what do I remember? I've never been to a Chuckie Cheese. Oh, really? You know what? Well, they were like suburb things. Well, you guys do not know. There is one on Northern Boulevard and Queens. Oh, I do know that. That's right. I think if they got some video games, huh, guys? Well, now you see the thing about Chucky Cheese is they finally

wise in depth. Like, post-911 Chuckie Cheese, you can't go in. Unless you have someone under 18 with you. Really? Figure that out. So, like, a 30-year-old man can walk into a Chuck E. Cheese with a 17-year-old boy, and everything's cool.

I want to make a movie about, like, 17-year-old rent boys, but they don't do anything sexual. They just accompany weird man to Chuck E. Goddamn 9-11. I love how 9-11 caused this to happen. I'm just saying it was around that time that

Chuck E.C. Cheese rebranded and made themselves a little more family-friendly, because the great thing about the chucky cheese i grew up going to it was a fucking shithole it was a meat market it was just it was disgusting dude like the floor like the carpet had not been clean since 1983 like it was really gross the robot band was always broken they had this huge robot please kill us it was a lion that did Elvis songs because he was called the king you know king of the jungle yeah that's where like the adult sat because you could listen to Elvis covers while this robot sang at you,

it was weird and scuzzy. And then it got shut down because they were hiring like 14-year-old illegal workers. To accompany men in who didn't have children. But they had awesome pizza. And that was the problem. When they rebranded,

shittier pizza. The famous New York pizza, all you folks listening have heard about. Like, Sabaro, and Famiglia. That's all we eat down here. And Chuckie, you know. And Chuckie.

cheese pizza. So he goes on to say Samurai does. It is my expert analysis that while the way this gentleman looked may have just made him appear similar to Mr. Jones, his terrifying behaviors inside of the establishment would lend more credence to the idea that this man was

indeed the dad from Beetlejuice. Or maybe a lot of pedophiles look like that. I don't know. Anyway, thanks for all the laughs and making fun of Jeffrey Jones for being a creep. To being a creep, I think is fair. because, you know, alleged or not, he's just kind of a creep. Like, whatever, you get those charges, it's a bit creepy.

We should always clarify, too, when we're busting on him. Because, I mean, listen, he deserves to be busted on. But it was all photo trading and emailing stuff. Yeah, that's true. No alleged didlin. Yes, that's correct. He's not Eric Stultz and the butterfly effect. I mean, this, you know, for all we know, he's an artist.

For all we know, he's doing research on a book. And some art should be private. Man, that, uh, uh, uh, what was his name there? That Josh Molina was on SVU playing a real creep. I think you guys don't watch current SVU, but you should check it out because I think he now holds the title for Law and Order SVU's creepiest villain. No, it can't be over John Savage in those baseball hats. Dude, he builds a torture chamber where he like wants to take kids and cut them apart.

And he lives across the street from a school. that's pretty cool Josh Molina wins Oh man I bet Stabler's not having it Stabler's gone He's been gone for like five years Where have you been

Well I guess he's not having it at all A lot of things You doesn't even know what's happening Oh yeah he's on the He's on that canceled show Which was too bad That show was funny It could have found legs

America wasn't having at that time I know There's a lot of shows That'd gone before their time You know Almost human Was that good I liked it

Because I'm You're a Carl Urbanhead though yeah you know you'd follow that guy to hell that's where he's going I would go for conversation alone you know bones you know dread chat about that for a while with me and Carl Urban in hell

Bones oh Bones McCoy I thought you meant Bones with David Boreannis I was like what you guys both watch it or something Carl Ervin loves bones Hey you guys watch Bones that's a great like right before They call action on J.J. Abrams' first Star Trek and, like, you know, Quintos tried to get his Spock down. He's like, do Quinto, you ever watch Bones? What? Action. Also, if you're in hell and someone asks, like, oh, do you watch Bones? And you say, uh, no. Then they just take out, they just take their flesh off and they're a skeleton.

Oh, so it's like a seafood kind of joke. Yeah. Yeah. So if you guys end up in hell, which many of you listening well, Do that joke I mean it might be played out by now But try it out Oh God he's doing the bones joke Newby Oh god What did you just go to hell

All right this is a nice one Steve Since I gave you the divorced dad one I'll give you this is a nice one to read It's a touching email This is from someone named Michael Michael Thank you for the email

Michael Michael slow down I listen to you guys on podcast so almost anywhere with internet i've downloaded you okay i remember being on sentinel duty in afghanistan and discovering you on my break as a closet nerd i fell in love with the show right away we eventually started a drinking game it was a shot every time you did an impression of someone we nearly died then it became every time he did his patrick stewart impression and then we nearly die uh no the second nearly died isn't real if you're still on tour and playing that game don't

listen to Treckmentary nemesis. Oh, no. We'll be over there for another fucking 13 years. As a grown man, I have cried three times once after an event overseas, I pray no one suffers, and twice from laughter so intense from your

podcast. EWox 2 discussion on Wilford and his rabbit, pals gave... I'm terrible at this, I'm sorry to you. I thank you for your service and I'm sorry for my email reading. Why did you say that? Like, you were eating it. He walks

to discussion on Wilford on Wilford and his rabbit, Pals, Grave, and the other pilot conversation drove me to laughing tears. Stay funny, don't party too hard, take it easy. Said from a really cool guy. There you go. That's amazing. You

are someone who's definitely doing something with your life and you take the time out of it to listen to our shows. It's very nice of you. And you should recommend us to the U.S.O. Dude, I've, I've saying it for years. I would do U.S.O. Oh, yeah. I would screen some movies for those

men and women? Absolutely. I would go there. You know, that's the thing is they'd book us for like Iraq now when no one's there. Be playing a trap by the U.S. government to get rid of us. I feel like if I went to Afghanistan, I would get involved in some like shady black market hijinks. You know,

like I'd become one of those like weird expats in a white suit. You would be Joe Panteliano in Congo. Yeah, you'd be driving people from the unmarked air strip to the the fucking heroin fields exactly

that is what I imagine would happen what are you guys looking for chasing the white dragon huh like well we had a great

time on the USO tour permanently replacing Steve is Ben Worcester don't ask where he went because we don't know

so that's that's some emails we'll try to make a habit of doing this a little more often because this was this was enjoyable fun thank you we do appreciate

every email we get we do read it every email we get we don't necessarily apply to them because there's quite a few and we have to like we have jobs where we reply to emails all fucking day that is kind of our jobs yeah

just writing emails I'll tell you this though especially emails like if you're writing in like hey you should check out this movie or whatever we're definitely reading that and taking it in consideration but those are the ones that I'm like this doesn't there's not much to respond to other than hey thanks which we try and do as best we can but

you know look it's the crushing way of all your adoration. The 20s of e-mails we received. Well, you know, you let that shit build up, man. It's true. The inbox is mighty full. So anyway, thank you for writing. Keep writing in.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. We're going to go now. We've got to record an episode on Mortal Kombat. So until the next mailbag opens up, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedek. Eric Siska. Take it easy. Thank you.