We Hate Movies - S4: WHM Mailbag: Nude-alities, Elderly Flashers and Hell Mouths

Episode Date: July 17, 2014

In the July Mailbag, Andrew, Eric and Chris talk about naked old fellas, Charles Manson, bad celebrity impressions and more! Have something for the Mailbag? Get at us to be featured in the August episode! Write the WHM Mailbag today: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

See, what I started doing, you were doing, you weren't picked up, what you just said, but I started doing it, you weren't picked up what you just said. but I started laughing at it as the intro. It's like the first thing they're going to hear on the new Mailbag episode is we're just laughing. Secret jokes. Secret jokes. No one's ever going to know what the joke was. But there's going to hear me tackling. The Illuminati of Laughter.

Ah, welcome to July's episode of WHA mailbag. I'm Andrew Juppin here with Eric and Chris. And we've got some letters that we're going to read. We're going to open up the old. mail bag. I print them out, Chris. You weren't here on the last one. I wasn't. I print them out and then I hand you an email to read. Okay. Let me see it. Well, I'm going to let's see. I don't know. Pick through the good ones here. We get

a lot of crap. Am I going to get the done its email? No, it's not sure. We don't get a lot of crap. We get a lot of well thought out. No, most of our emails are people just requesting episodes, which we're never going to read those. That's point of this. No, I mean, that would be poor. yeah what are we doing but chris so i'll give you the first one okay so we don't read last names okay um but you read the first one though well yeah if there is one okay sometimes there's not even that though okay all right so hey this is john hey john

big fan of the show always look forward to it monday nights i was wondering since you guys are such fans of accents and performing them on the show if you had to rank accents who has the best accent in Hollywood and who would you say is the most fun to imitate ooh yeah uh bella legosi that's a quick answer man you you went right in for it i guess it's more of a hollywood cemetery maybe yeah i mean if you were you know to rise the dead and such yeah i you know what i'm a big fan of zeta raid serbia He has a good accent you like impersonating? No, well, not to impersonate, but as far as in Hollywood terms, if I was going to pick a person whose accent I like the most.

Does Rage Serbeja count as a Hollywood insider? I think so. He's probably been in like most Michael Bay movies at this point. Dear listeners, if you didn't know who that was, I just finally figured it out in my mind. It took that long. I would say on the show, my favorite voice to do. is, uh, you know, I thought I had, I was like, that'll be easy. Just start talking before you think about it. Yeah, no, it's totally not. It's challenging. No, like for us to do on the show, I mean,

I guess Wilford Brimley, which we need to get back into some time, I think. Yeah, we got to figure out another Wilford Brimley movie. What's it been since Hard Target? Yeah. Yeah. I've been on BIOS a couple times doing Brimley. Yeah. Those are great. Those are fantastic. Um, I don't, I guess the OG impersonation from this show, uh, Jim Belushi. Yeah, it's just fun. It's easy. And you sound like a fucking moron when you do it. It's great. Yeah, I'm a bit of a fan of the cane. I like doing the cane. You've got a, you've got a fun cane. It wanders a bit as they are to do.

As all of our impressions are known to do. I don't even have a cane, so I'm here at a rascal scooter. But I do, I remember looking back at recording, blame it on. and like, you know, just the hash of, like just going back and forth in between them. I have a lot of fun with that. So there you go, John. There are some of our favorite accents. Now, these are the emails that I like.

I like question emails like that last one, but I like these, these stories. People have stories that somehow relate to episodes we've done. Oh, that's terrific. Hey, that's terrific. So this letter is from Fay. Faye writes in Dear WHM crew My dad is a huge

Apes fan So much so that my siblings And I watched the entire Original franchise Before we entered school Your dad's a fucking God damn hero Fah

What the hell? I'm one of the few To see the original planet Of the apes Without the ending spoiled That's pretty nice By the time The Tim Burton remake came out

My entire family Was caught up in the excitement The Ape Sightment Oh yeah Editor's note Ape Sightment We went over Opening night, as a family, all on the edges of our seats.

And then this happened. This horrible wretched movie, not even 20 minutes in, we were seething with anger and looking at each other to confirm. We were not hallucinating how terrible it actually was. My entire family of six left the theater angry and defeated. I remember my older brother trying to explain the twist ending was a reference to the original book, but the rest of us were too upset to even try to humor him.

We went to bed in silence and have never mentioned this movie again. FYI, I agree, Helena Bonham Carter looks better as an ape. Well, thank you, Faye. That was my opinion. I thought she was better looking in ape form than out. But my god, so it's never been brought up in this person's house again. The Tim Burton

movie. Rightfully so, right? I mean, I have a similar story is my dad was asking me, he asked me, you know, should I see? He doesn't get to see as many movies as I do. And that your dad's not a professional

film critic well that but even back then i mean when it came out i was just working at a movie he just didn't have the time so he asked me he's like so uh how about that planet of apes how is it and i started by uh describing how it ends wait that's not that's not that might be a fault of your film criticism well no i started that and i was like look that you know it's kind of what you expect you know man falls on planet it happens to be full of ape humans and i'm like and there's a a villain and he ends up being and I went through the whole ending and he's like yeah I'm never going to see that just very simply like nope I'm good not seeing a lick of that you know it is sometimes

it's very satisfying to see a giant Hollywood clunker come out and just like guess what not not for me and then the sands of time wash away wash away and you're just like still haven't seen it and you know what yeah still happy that's the thing man I have two of the greatest ones I've never seen Australia and I've never seen Sucker Punch. Sucker Punch is the big one. Yeah. You really have luck I dodged it. I almost I almost want to make you watch Sunker Punch. I almost want to strap you down, get you a nice tall glass

of water and say you're watching. You know, sucker punch. Hey, how about this for a W.HM commentary? You what? You guys get me in a room with some ice cold water and we just watch Sucker Punch and I watch it for the first time. Well, because then it's all going to be screams. You know what? We'd have to tone it. We'd have to be fucking professional about it, Chris. Well, yeah, I'm not the one paying for it. Well, sure. All right, Eric, this one's

this one's a little conspiracy-ish, so I'm going to give us email to you. I print these out on paper, by the way. Take that. All right. Well, you know, in the spirit of that, I'll read this as my Blammonauter space character, which is illiterate. So if this is staggering, that's why it's not me. Feel free to skip over parts of the email then, because it's long. Okay, this is from Christopher G. and the subject line.

is Twilight Zone in the Hellmouth. Hey, gents, you mentioned Twilight Zone episode Feature Robert Sorrell. By the way, that wasn't me. He just says episode feature Robert Sorwell. So that's, I'm doing it. I was trying to compensate

for grammatical errors. Yeah, because you know what, Eric, nobody's perfect. Yeah. Oh, I thought this was, I thought W.H.M. Mailbag was to the letter. Continue any which way you'd like. And his sad final role is defending. it at the time of shooting. He was living in a low-income retirement center in Simi Valley, California

when he walked into a local bar and shot two guys. Now, this was so listeners recall, this was when I was talking about, again, I think it was on the Planet of the Apes episode. We were talking about Twilight Zone, the episode where the robot is a baseball pitcher. Oh, Casey at the bat type of thing. Yeah, Casey, whatever. And I said the guy who played the robot, I mistakenly said kill this whole family. I think it's actually Casey at the bot. Oh, fuck you. Go sit in the corner for the rest of this.

No, no, no, no. I'll shine your shoes tonight for that one. Well, thank you. Okay, so I guess he went to a bar and shot two guys. Sad as that is, the fact that it's Simi, I hope I'm pronouncing that right. Seamy Valley, yeah, I don't know.

Is extra, yeah, I don't know, California. I'm a New York guy. Oh, God, my God. It's extra bizarre. in Buffy the Vampire Slayer Terms, Seamy is Hellmouth, it's Night Vale, it's literally, it literally

sits at the intersection of a military intelligence services highway and the Ronald Reagan Freeway. It's home to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Well, then we know it's evil. Castle Grey Skull.

And the house from Poltergeist. Oh, God. All this fucking town, man. Get out of there. Me and Craig See, Nelson, we sat there and we drank a lot of bruskees. Craig told me he voted for me once. Well, he did, you know, if there's anything Ronald Reagan likes, it's a white neighborhood.

I'll be on. Ghosts are white. And, you know, just so you know, just like with episodes we do on the show. Sure. It's okay to like Ronald Reagan, guys. It's perfectly okay to like Ronald Reagan. We got to all stop crossing our fingers when we say that. Noted conservative John Ratsenberger owns a home there.

the Rodney King trial happened there too. Nuclear accident? It had one. Viva Rock Vegas and Mike Myers the cat in the hat. Yeah, see me. So those were all made there. Finally, the spa ranch used

as a base of operations by the Manson family was also there. Good God. Manson and Reagan? I smell a sitcom. You keep leaving all your dirty hippies all over the bathroom floor. I was so stupid

just thinking about it how would Charlie Manson respond to that Gabuwau yeah I don't know and then he pulls a dead infant

from him I think he answers everything with you see I's going to say I don't think I couldn't do a Charles Manson's impression

because I don't think I've ever heard him speak yeah so just thought I'd offer that background may fate never find you in Simi Valley

They love the show. It just keeps on getting better and better. Wow. In regards, Chris. P.S. my father, noted Jim Belushi fan has been living in Seamy Valley for the last 19 years. Wow. We pray for him.

And, well, you know, we pray for him too here. Because that's just like, this is like a crazy, man, they should do a, they should do a movie on this town because it's a creepy town. Yeah, I mean, that, I mean, I would imagine that would be the place where Poultergeist comes from. That's just crazy. Here, Chris, I'm going to give you another weird story one. A story one? Okay. This is someone telling a weird story.

Oh, it has a photograph and everything. It's not necessarily related to the podcast other than he happened to be listening to the show at the time. Oh, okay. So this is from Daniel. Hey, guys. I have a slightly W.H.M-related story for you that I thought you might appreciate. recently on a bike ride home from a nearby lake

I was listening to the episode where he discussed the butterfly effect when I passed a group of kids shooting pellet guns as I turned the corner from where they were playing standing about five feet in front of me was a completely naked man

holy shit walking his now I'm gonna have precious looking dog precious now is capitalized is that to mean the film like the obese a teenager who got pregnant?

No, I think it's a reference to Silence of the Lambs. Oh, precious. Okay, there we go. You'll give me back my fucking dog. I thought that was from Lord of the Rings. Precious. But it's as precious-looking...

All right. Precious-looking dog towards them. He stopped as I saw him and half-heartedly, I don't know how a naked man half-hardly does anything. Half-hardly? I'll show you. Oh, half-heartedly. Speaking of a semi-valley.

He stopped as I saw him and haphheartedly covered his tiny grandpa dawn. While I was a bit in shock, I jumped off my bike, got the kids to go the other way, and got this pervert arrested. Wow. Whoa, whoa, what happened to respecting your elders? Except, I guess, when they're flashing chub. Yeah, when it's just out there, a wagon. That's insane, but, like, how brazen are, like, the fact that you. completely naked. That's like I'm

thinking he's doing a Walter White or something. He's trying to get a fugue state. Fug excuse. Get that fugues going. Is that what the perverts do? They just get all naked so they could do that. Oh, you know what? Do you think Breaking Bad influenced

a lot of perverts to be like, oh, it must have been a fugue state. Sorry, you found me in this movie theater like that fugue state. I just don't think they all have like their stories sewn up the way Walter does. Yeah, most perverts aren't that great at lying like Walter White was. So unfortunately, that image is burned into my brain.

This isn't the first time something weird has happened while listening to your podcast. Last year, someone tried to kidnap me thinking I was much younger than I am while I was listening to your show. Keep up the great work, Daniel. Daniel, move. I don't know where you live, Daniel, but get out of there. Get out of there. Why is it always happening when he's listening to us? I don't know.

I mean, for your own safety, stop listening. Yeah, I would say, if anything, that's probably our most dedicated fan. For legalese purposes, please stop listening to the show. And also move. Move far away. Yes. There's something wrong. All right, this is a nice one.

This is Chris Cabin. You'll be able to the most properly answer this question. Sure. It says, greetings from Ireland. Hey, guys, massive fan of the show from Ireland. I get up at 8 a.m. every Tuesday morning to download the latest episode. I'm also an avid movie fan like yourselves and would like to pursue a career in movie reviewing. Do you have any tips for a budding, jaded, and sarcastic critic like myself?

Thanks in advance and keep up the good work. Your butterfly effect episode nearly made me choke on my drink. Gareth. Got any tips for Gareth as to how it'll be a film cricket? No. You just write and you're right and you're right and you're right and you write until you get good. I mean, just keep writing, even if it's just for yourself. Well, you know, it's nice if you find a place that's, you know, I'm not saying you should go out and look for people to pay you because it's not, you know, going to happen.

Yeah, you have another job. Yeah, get a day job and come to terms that you're probably going to go to the grave with it. With the day job? Yes, I mean, that's how I look at the world. Well, because it'll be nice then. If something takes off, you're nice and surprised. You're surprised. Exactly. Like, oh, look at this.

It's something. to have another activity. And I mean, that's how it started with me, is that it was just another activity I was doing while I was trying to find work. And then I found work and I kept doing it. So it was just, you know, you find a place that's, you know, that you find somewhat respectable and you write for them. Well, there you go. That's some advice for Gareth. I think that's all he was looking for. I want to apologize for the lack of advice there was. Yeah. It's pretty thin pickings. I give you that. But, you know. All right. This is the last one. Chris, I'll give it to you. okay it's uh that's just a little something all right a little something

special something something something mortal combat nudality huh all right luke um hey hey chris uh don't be so excited to read this guy's email i'm trying here um i'm sure enough people chimed in on this already but i totally remember hearing all about the nudalities in middle school also it wasn't just that one creep i went to grade no i had this guy went to your middle school while it was totally a legend it did spawn quite a few homages to it in other games I wish you

would you fall asleep over there I wish listeners at home could have seen Chris Cabin's face contort whatever this young man wrote in this letter well okay he posted a link right well obviously you're not going to read the hyperlink okay so game in the link below is tattoo assassins from 94 I recall whenever the MK 2 machine, Mortal Kombat 2 machine, got soda spilled on it. It was the fallback game.

How many times is soda getting spilled on this arcade machine? Yeah, and how is it breaking it? I guess if the buttons get sticky and then some fat kids got to come over and clean it. I mean, but it's not like a computer where it's going directly into the board. Well, I don't know. It might have been. Frying it. History's mysteries.

It was the shittiest knockoff, although it did have animalities before MK ever did. Oh, shit, speaking of rip-offs. Well, if I'm the 200th person to say this, my bad. Otherwise, go download an emulator and play some tattoo assassins. You'll be happy. I'm going to pass, Luke. But, Luke, you'll also be happy to know you are numero uno on that one. Yeah, totally.

This is the first time anyone's heard of... I think, right? Was it tattoo assassins? Tattoo assassins? I can't say I remember that. Wait, did I miss it, though? What was the connection to the nudalities? Because apparently this happens.

They had nudalities? That's what I think. Maybe I will download this emulator and play tattoo assess. But then you got to find out how to do the nudality and then you got to see the baby raid and dick and then like, nudalities, they're real. And they're in tattoo assassin, a game no one's heard of. All right. Well, you know, someone.

Well, someone not clearly heard. If you've heard of it and have screenshots, please write into the mailbag and we'll address it on the following month. There you go. Get your emails in for August, gang. That's it for July. remember we all hate movies at gmail.com i like doing this i actually like doing it quite a bit i like hearing from people i like doing this yeah that didn't sound as excited i insist this is a good thing

yeah i'm having lots of fun we all hate movies at gmail dot com until august i'm andrewitt chris cabin eric sisk good take it Thank you.