We Hate Movies - S4: WHM Summer Rerun - Ewoks: the Battle for Endor

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

Original Air Date: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. On the final WHM Summer Rerun of 2014, the guys look back at one of the all-time fan favorite episodes on Ewoks: The Battle for Endor! This show marks the first appearance of Wilford Brimley on WHM and is the second of three times the guys have ventured into the Star Wars universe. Brimley hates that rabbit. The rabbit hates Brimley. The guys don't entirely hate the movie. Ewoks: The Battle for Endor stars Wilford Brimley, Warwick Davis, Aubree Miller, Siân Phillips, Carel Struycken and Paul Gleason; directed by Jim & Ken Wheat. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

All right, here it is, gang, the final W.H.M. Rerick, the final W.H.M. rerun, before we come back, from summer vacation next week. If you want an update of what we're doing, what's going on out there? I was just fighting off a seagull for five days. Well, I mean, you just had the fucking bread waving it up in the air. What did you think was going to happen?

I thought he would see an object coming at him and he'd run away. You were asking for it. Love bread. I'm siding with the seagull here. You are inciting a riot. You in the Suffolk County Police. It was an Italian loaf, too.

You couldn't even go multi-grained. And they don't like that shit. They like plain white bread. I am in Long Island, man. It's Italian loaf. Well, so we thought probably our biggest fan favorite episode. Yeah, this was a dynamite one for us. Ewarks the Battle for Endor. Here it is. Wilfred Brimley. I think this was his first time appearing on the show. Wicked.

The star, Wicked. Yeah. Airt Davis. A shitty kid that no one cares about. A dead family. A skeleton van of sorts. A skeleton van? No, that's Caravan of Courage.

The caravan is, but it's made out of a bone. Yeah, but that's a different movie. Oh, is it? Well, there's Ewach's Caravan of Magic or whatever, Caravan of Courage. Courage, yeah. Then there's Ewox Battle for Endor, which is the episode that we're giving the people today. No, I remember very clearly there's a bone, like, van or bone, like, bone, like, carriage in which the wicket

and the little child have to escape from. I think that, wait. Oh, wait a second. Yeah, I think you're right, actually. Isn't that when they get captured by the witch? When they get captured by the bannies. Oh, yeah. They do have a bone. There's a bone, yeah. Well, you know, I think the folks will hear what

actually happens in the episode. You would think that. But for new listeners, by the way, you know, we're just, we said this a couple of times on these bumpers. I'll say it again, here. you know we have a lot of episodes before the episodes that you can find in iTunes

and other places like that they're just not on the main feed so this is like an old school we hit movies episode it might sound a little different uh you know our voices might sound a little different uh the show was kind of still in its infancy at this point but this is a fan favorite

yeah this is like from like three years ago I think it's a long while back some of us might sound like we have had a few more fluids yeah some fluids and I uh exactly Exactly. It was the heavy... Wilder time. I had my wisdom teeth pulled like five

days before recording this. Oh, really? Ooh, WHM trivia. That was just fluids. That was the other stuff, too. There was a lot of a lot of ice cold drinks, a lot of ice cold glasses of water. 2011 was like the

1970s of WeA movies. So keep that in mind when you listen to Ewarks, the Battle for Endor. We'll see you afterwards. And now we join We Hate Movies, already in progress. There's no two in there, which this is a movie that deserves a two. Do you know what I mean?

Let's not mince words here. This is a sequel to a shitty movie that shouldn't exist in the first place. You might as well put a big fat two on there. It should be the EWalk Adventure 2. Yeah. But then there's that caravan of courage horse shit, though. Where's the real caravan here? because nobody gets fucking slaughtered

in the first five minutes. That caravan just gets fucking raped and pillaged. So right away, as you can probably tell already, this movie is a better time than caravan, a dog shit. This starts off

pretty much right where we left off. The parents reunited with the shitty kids and the world is fine until these orc-looking motherfuckers come in and just start torch in the place. Well, it's like, they look like basically somewhere between

enemy mine, like a Lou Gossett Jr. and enemy mine and the Klingons. It was left out the sun. Totally. I said the main bad guy looks like a fucking clingon with stage four pancreatic cancer. But at the end they do look like or trolls or something.

It's just another edition of Lord of the Rings into the Star Wars universe. Yeah, more magic. But that's the thing of at the beginning of this movie. movie is it's like you know wicket and the girl from the first one sindell are just like kind of flipping

around the forest and she's like I'm so sad I'm finally going home today because apparently her dad figured out a way to go and this is the biggest fucking shift and actually I up like it's almost as if somehow this our first podcast

traveled back in time and informed the sequel to this movie seriously it's like that somehow the wheat brothers or whatever just got wind of what we were talking about because now all the iwarks just speak english and it's like nobody cares so why bothered explaining why this is the case right i mean my theory is that they spent so much goddamn time trying to fix this star cruiser that they just kind of learned how to speak english from this dumb family yeah yeah actually i read online someone someone or something said that they that they picked it up

from hanging out with Sindel so much I mean that's what I'm glad we didn't spend any time in the movie talking about it but now they can just fucking talk but that's great I dug deeper and there was there was like

they were like well then why doesn't Wicked speak English to Carrie Fisher in The Jedi and then I read further and apparently some one of the theories is that they weren't they like Sindel and the family

don't speak basic standard galactic or whatever whatever English is I know hang on because that's bullshit you know what theory also makes just as much sense so it's a fucking

fucking cloud of forget me gas blows over Endor and they just forget how to speak English it may as well be that do you think like Ewox have like a three week memory they're like fish sin what

totally they're not fucking missing this kid when she no yeah all the tears at the end are fucking those are alligator Ewog tears that's what those are I just like but I do like the idea that maybe they were speaking Chinese that was translated for our benefits and then once

Carrie Fisher gets here they're actually speaking English doesn't make sense there should be no fucking theories and any fucking Star Wars theorist that's out there right now working on an equation that makes this movie fits this movie in the round peg that is the Star Wars universe, don't fucking bother.

Steve Sadek says Penn's Damn. You know what? Seriously, close your Wikipedia page and go outside. Just go into the sunlight. Because it just doesn't make sense. There's still fucking magic. All manners of magic and all manners of creatures that don't gel with Return of the Jedi.

It's not going to look like Return of the Jedi because these movies were cheap. Totally. So cheap. And the thing is, like, oh, man. Like, compared to this first movie, this thing, the magic and the mysticism is so amped up. Like, last time we had, like, a magic lake and fucking, like, Tinkerbell looking things and a giant monster and whatever, and that's fine. But now there's, like, flying dragon space creatures going around. There's an out-and-out witch.

Yeah. Oh, she's a witch. Aside from, like, a pointy hat and a broomstick. This thing's just a witch. I just can't believe there's this whole orc army with medieval chain mail and swords and blasters. Yeah, where did they get to this? All right. So beginning this movie, she's like, oh, I can't believe, you know, I have to go home now.

And we'll still be friends forever, right? Wicked. Wicked's like, of course. Obviously. He adjusts his glasses and smokes a pipe. He's like the smart Griblin and Griblins, too. The greeblins can talk now, voiced by Tony Randall for some reason. Well, Sindel, we just want civilization, just like you.

So, but out of nowhere, just fucking these marauders come through on like Dragonback or whatever the fuck they're writing. And they have blasters. And they are fucking up the Ewok building. They're burning it, man. They have a bone to pick with the Ewak community. And you don't know what the backstory is. Maybe they could have been feuding for years, who knows. But like these people have a problem with Ewags.

And they're just wide scale slaughter, just blasted away. We do see some Ewok death early on. Yeah. No, I'd say there's a good, like, handful of Ewalks that totally bite it. And the little girl, Sindel, has this bracelet that, like, shows her the life force of her family members. And she's like, she's like, leave, like, she leaves her father. She's like, oh, my God, my mom's light is blinking. I got to go find her.

of thing on her dick tracy goddamn watch it and then she runs over to find her mom and uh she's like laying there dead just flat out dead folks and her rotten brother who is uglier that he was in the first movie somehow it's just like get out of here come on go run away it's too dangerous for you and then he starts dragging his dead mother around he drags her into a hut and then it explodes and they're just instantly killed so right away in the first like five minutes of this movie

one of the main characters from the first movie that boy is just murdered again they heard the podcast and somehow Doc Brown got this got an iPod into their fucking heads and they took our notes and I was

at the beginning of the movie was so awesome yeah you get Mace is dead you couldn't ask for anything better than No, and, you know, the funny thing is I start thinking, like, well, it just seems so out of left field for that to happen. Yeah. And it's so great of a moment that it can't be, like, intentionally written into the script originally. You know, like, it's too good for that. So I feel like there must have been some onset problems with this guy.

And they're like, listen, get this fucking punk teen out of here. Do you think Wilford Brimley's like, I ain't working with this goddamn disrespectful kid? Lippoor snapper. I don't know That's so weird Because it's so Unceremonious too I mean like

You know Imagine Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure starting The second one starts With the fucking Bill Getting his head blown off Like you're gonna

And then that's it And that's no real mention Of him after that Like she's sad For the rest of the movie As sad as the shitty Kid actor can be Yeah

She's uh no Yeah I mean It should have been More of a bogus journey For her Than it was It was pretty bogus

Do you think that they killed the boy and not the girl Because the girl was like more of the same height With all the little people, EWalk actors It's probably easy to frame that movie Yeah, exactly. It's kind of less work God, look that kid grew six inches in a summer Like we got to Got to ax him

Got to ice him Yeah, maybe I think that's probably what it was It was just like weird puberty things Like this kid's just Yeah, he's not really a kid anymore Yeah, totally. Not only is he just kind of like a weird-looking kid, but now he's turning into like a weird-looking, like, you know, adolescent.

Yeah, he's probably like a squeaky fucking teenager voice. Like, you know what? No, no. George, his voice is cracking. I know how much you love this character of Mace, but we just can't. We just can't use him. Nate!

Get back, Zindal. Mommy. Stay away. Get help. Get dad. So she sees her. brother and mother's corpse just fucking annihilated with like orc agent orange or whatever it's a big old napalm blast and uh so then she goes running running running and she finds her father who's

working on the star cruiser and whoops he's just been recast and is now played by the breakfast club and diehard's paul gleason and that's why i was like oh okay that's that's kind of a trade-up you know the kid's dead and now it's going to be her and her father who's played with this kind of cool actor that is going to be fucking around you know it's going to be good shit nope he just gets shot in the back and that's the end of it yeah the marauders get to his his little spaceship he's trying to repair and they want like his power crystal cell and then he just like he makes a break for he hits one with a branch shoots one and runs for it and he just gun him down cold in his back it's fucking spineless what these orcs do to him and then you know we get the moment of uh what's really

awesome is after she runs away little cindle runs away from everything she looks at the fucking like little wristwatch thing yeah and all three of those heartbeats are just lights out folks that's a hilarious little thing to have of just like you have your whole family's

lifeline on your art and it's just fucking twittering away totally I would take one of those you'd have to call home less yeah right yeah you're still alive well I see that mom went to yell I better give her a call. So then the weird thing is

she runs back to Wicked the EWalk played again by Warwick Davis, just loving playing this Wicked character. And she's like oh hey Wicked, my family's all dead. And he's just like, well that's okay. You can

live with me now. You can be in the EWalk family. No, no, no, no. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. She goes back and he's like, oh my God, my whole fucking families dead and the witch captures her and then we meet the big baddie which is this guy named tallick who like grabs her face it is like you are a pretty prize you'll make a fine addition my pretty and he puts her in this like weird rat catcher van that they have stevie he actually calls her

a pretty prize which is worse that's so worse and it's one of these things where it's like, all right, again, it's kind of a kid's movie and you're just trying to make a creepy, like, bad guy villain or whatever, but how are you as adult filmmakers, like, not looking at this and being like, you know what, this actor's delivery of that line is a little too close to a pedophile. Like, let's have him go back, we'll set everything up again, and just have him tone it down a bit. To say, you'll be destroyed or you're going to be my whatever, but yeah,

my pretty prize is just it's a little creepy you're asking for direction out of this movie I think it's a little much to ask for I mean I guess it's a little much to ask for but on the other hand you're making a fucking movie for children and there should not be like pedophilia kind of feeling comments

or threats of rape yeah exactly so they all get they all get like they're all in this van or this bone van it's a bone van they're in this giant rib cake chamber that's like a prison that's hauling them off to this dungeon and we still have no idea

who these people are what they want with these ewogs why any of this has happened fucking half the original cast is dead and the other is in this fucking like thing and you're like oh my god what the fuck just happened in this movie they saw the first movie yeah it is it's fucking frantic like it's like being in some some kind of like I don't know like busted city street and you're like kind of freaking out because there's so many people you don't know what's going on yeah like you just don't know where to look in this movie and yet you're losing all these characters that you know from the first movie and you know i guess if you're going into this as a fan of the first movie and all your favorite beloved characters are just getting blown away it's like fucking starting ninja turtles too with like they're all just about to chat down at a pizza then grenade and then just everybody fucking gets destroyed and donatello has one arm left and needs to figure out what the fuck just happened It's insane And the other thing about that though That they don't really

And it's never entirely explained What the end game is with all this No But it's kind of slavery Yeah It's looking like they're being rounded up To either become slaves Or like they're going to a fucking concentration can

Like one or the other man Yeah The whole point of the movie This is revealed later Is this fucking retard of a big bad guy doesn't know what fucking spacecraft energy is and it's just like I want the power of this

you know basically the battery to all these star cruisers or whatever he finds a car battery and he's like magic this magic box I must control it it's totally like science meets alchemy you know and like he just has he's like a fucking caveman

he just has no idea what this thing is and he just kill it all sorts of people for no reason. Like, dude, you don't even have a spaceship to put this in. What I don't understand about this plan is so he's like, I want to unlock the power behind this little thing that I don't know what it is. This is essentially, yeah, a fucking Star Cruiser car battery. Yeah.

So he's like, I want the power inside there, but it's like, but, but dude, why? What do you think this is going to do for you, to you, you know, like anything like that? Good news, man. You're the only one on that fucking planet with fucking space guns. You rule it. You are the ruler of Endor, essentially. Yeah. I mean, I can't believe not even the witch can figure out that this is not like a magical device.

What the hell is with that? I mean, she's just a fucking useless character that doesn't really go anywhere. And she's just like, oh, I don't know how to work the magic for this clearly magical device. You've got to get somebody else to do it. Well, ran up those Ewarks to see what they, see what they're two cents are. Do you think then, so they're like kind of just traveling around Endor, like, rounding up all these people and threatening them to be like, you know, unlock the power of this fucking thing? And then it's like they can't figure it out. It's like, all right, well, kill them and we'll move on to the next group of people.

Yeah, exactly. That's bad intelligence gathering, right? Yeah. That's a brain drain right there. So, my little princess has come to have. Topterak, learn the ways of the power. What have you done with the Ewks? EWOX?

My friends. Oh, God. So a couple of the EWox then escape out of the concentration camp caravan. Well, you know, it's just Wicked and Sindel. They're the only two that get out? Only two, yeah. And all the other one's like two, the other one's too fat and pregnant. Like, they all like, oh, well, we'll all just, you know, you go find help.

Like, what? That's right. What a great job they do of finding help. And you know what's crazy is after that whole fucking massacre at the beginning of the movie, and now we got this like fucking triangle trade going on or whatever. And then when they break out of this caravan and a couple of these orcs are like, hey, they're getting away. And so then there's like another frantic harrowing chase scene.

Yeah. It was pretty good. The On the Lamb sequence, these two fugitives. Yeah, it's fucking, I figured Harrison Ford was going to jump out of a fucking sewer drain or something. Now, you're saying Harrison for the fugitive, not so much Hans Solo. Not, not Han Solo whatsoever. Richard Kimball. Yeah, Dr. Richard Kimball.

Yes, exactly. The Ewok goes into the fucking cave and starts shaving his beard. It dyes his hair. He's got a black fucking poppature. I didn't kill my wife. So they're being chased around or whatever. And it's just another kind of great chase sequence. and they get chased up a mountain

and they fucking wicked murders these two guys I gotta tell you there's so much like it starts off with the EWalk deaths and it's like yeah that's great but then like there is some fucking EWox doing the murdering in this movie too well it's one of those things where they set up villains so monstrous

because you know they killed this whole fucking girls family they slaughter a whole mess of EWox that like and they don't look human enough right so it's okay yeah it's all fucking fair game from here on out. Right. If someone's getting like an arrow through the heart, you know, no one's losing any sleep over at the old MPA. Because basically we're just watching animals fighting

animals. Exactly. That's how the wild works of the wild event. Yeah. It's just this cycle of life. It's totally true though, because like in fucking Jedi all they do is like, you know, drop rocks on stormtroopers' heads and laugh about it, you know, dance after

each one or whatever. There's a sinister side of these fucking little teddy bears. I'll tell you what? They celebrate murder. The beast of murder that they have. The caravan of murder. The caravan of carnage. The fucking scene in this cave at the beginning is one of the more harrowing things that's going on. So they're like, all right, well, we're kind of stuck in this cave.

Better set up camp for the night. And so we get like lights this fire, which apparently is just made out of a bunch of bones that are burning. Because there's no wood anywhere. He's rounding up all these bones. But there's just a fire that he made. Yeah, because bones are combustible in Star Wars. That's why they burn all those javas and all those other things. Liam Deeson's bones are so fucking flammable in that movie.

You know, it's just, in Star Wars, it's just everyone being responsible. Like, it's like not leaving oily rags laying in your garage. Oh, we've got to burn this corpse right here. So it's going to go right up. Yeah. So Wiccett's looking around for more flammable bones to add on this fire. And to also build his, his, what was his? What are this thing?

What are this thing? It's called hang gliders. As we know, Wicked can build a mean hang gliders. You know what, though? Honestly, I'll be straight. I didn't really know what was going on because I didn't have Burr Lives to fucking explain the Ewak culture to me. There's no Burr Lives in this movie to tell me what's what. They could only afford one surly man.

Yeah, totally. And that's a trade-up. We'll get to Wilford Brimley, but God bless him he's in this movie. Yeah, no, it's an absolute trade-up. It really is. So he's, like, looking around for these bones, and this fucking, like, dragon monster thing just rises from slumber. Yeah. And the first thing it does is just goes to dart out the cave and just grabs this little girl out of the cave.

It flies away. She's in its talons, and that's it. And Wicked's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, it's a real, oh, fuck, Ewok moment. He jumps on the hang glider and just, you know, to his. credit like he doesn't know if this thing can fly it's not tested oh no he it's a daring escape and you know he's a great like engineer because this thing made out of rickety bones and skin i think yeah fucking takes off like a champ like buffalo bills fucking hang glider

yes and so just want to see wicket go i'd do me I'm gonna listen Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me Yeah To do that God And so he

Tuck it in Oh Man If I saw an EWalk to a tuckin' strut Oh god in heaven There'd be a great scene of like You know They're being chased or whatever

And out of nowhere Wicitt's got like this This head This hand cast on And he's trying to move a couch And do a van Like, oh, help me. Get in there.

It just locks it in. Man, that is the dumbest thing in that movie, like how he's kidnapping women. Buffalo Bill. Oh, it sounds like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, listen, lady, if you're getting into this dude's van, like, if you're on the inside of moving this van, like, you deserve it to be kidnapped because that is just, that's fucking self-defense 101. Oh, this poor man. He's got a broken arm.

Let me help him move this. And he's just trying to move this couch at 11 p.m. Like, what? Yeah, in this grocery store parking lot or whatever. Like, what is going on? Sure, I'll help you move it into your house. Oh, what a nice little dog. Oh, no.

Wow. So, Wickets's chasing down this dragon. And, like, it's amazingly shitty the way they do this, like, stop motion animation dragon or whatever. And then there's, like, a little girl puppet, like, in the talons. Like, it's so fake. It's amazing. All of the, I mean, like, we are saying that this is a much better movie than Caravan of Courage.

Oh, yeah. But there seems to be, like, less money in it for some reason. Like, they don't, it's not as cheap as the first one where there's just rabbits walking around. Like, there's actually Star Wars animals. Right, they do creatures. They do creatures, but it's super cheap. The Ewox themselves look so much worse. Dude, these look like Halloween costumes that you buy.

for your kids when they want to go as Ewarks for Halloween. Yeah. It's shitty. It's like shitty where the wild things are, outfits. But they still have the dead eyes and the fucking tongues going on though. You know, some things never change, which I guess

is pretty good. So then they just kind of settled down. Well, Wicked drops some rocks on the dragon's head. And then it just lets go of Sindel. What a fucking gamble that is. Yeah, no, it's the riskiest move. I mean, why not follow it? Yeah, exactly. Wait for it to land somewhere and then do like you know. And then he defies all physics by being able to swoop it and get her. Yeah. While she's falling like, I don't know. She's fall. She'd be fucking post. Yeah, she's dead. There are a couple scenes of like people falling from high distances like those dudes that fall off the mountain. And it's all kind of really good like rear projection falling kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, that was a pretty cool.

They're just making it look like that girl's just dropping through the sky. Oh, man. She's like a ton of bricks. And it's a real child peril of this movie. There is. There are children in peril. And child death. Yeah, they straight up blow up one of the kids.

But yeah, like, this little girl is in peril through like 80% of this movie. It's just weird that they killed that one kid because that that guy is all on the internet. Like, he's trying to get like some Star Wars, like biography put together right now on. On Kickstarter. Of course he is. And, like, he is just such a nothing. And he didn't even make it through the fucking EWalk sequel that he spawned. Yeah, like, why isn't this girl the one that's doing this fucking EWalk documentary?

She probably wants nothing to do with it. I think she grew up. Well, she's not an actress. You could tell she's just not an, like, it's just something weird where, like, her parents forced her into doing this. And she just kind of had to do it, and she just didn't really enjoy it. Well, you know, you got to make a quick buck. It's the 80s. What are you going to do?

Sell your children. Exactly. You guss him up and you strut them out there. My family. For all the dead. What happens to me now, Wic? I'm all alone. Ah, not alone.

Wicked take care of Cinder. My family. Wicked Cindle's family now. Ewak's family now. so they land in the forest their little thing like crashes and whatever and lo and behold they crash outside a nice looking uh forest cabin yeah and so like you do when you're coming across houses in the middle of the woods you go inside well to be fair they're led in by a little rabbit creature or whatever the fuck this thing is yeah i guess so

rabbit walk or some type of thing but you know what don't trust like you know mousy looking creatures like that man they're always up to no good it looks like an e-walk with a jackal lantern on its face like i don't understand what this mask is it's it's it's like an e-walk that had like like plastic surgery gone wrong it's like it's like a facelift that just didn't work but it also just has super speed for no reason yeah that's another fucking Where is this in Star Wars at all? What creature ever has super speed? Zero animals.

The Flash. Yes, the Flash does. I think his name's Barry Allen. But it makes no fucking sense. And so they're like, will you be our friend? We need food. We're cold and hungry. And he's like, oh, come with me.

He doesn't talk. He's got Ewak voice. Like, oh, that's all. And it ruffed in. And they're like, oh, wow. this is such a great place that it's abandoned let's we're going to live here we're going to clean it up we're going to live here happily forever even though my parents are fucking super dead it's totally like they walk in and she takes one look around this fucking house and it's like I'm going to forget

that my family was slaughtered seven hours ago she doesn't mourn them whatsoever no there is not a tear not a care in the world as long as she's got wicked like she really does not care about her She's got a fucking twisted childhood so far, man. It's a coping mechanism. It's a shit life. But she also somehow feels entitled because she walks into this house and she's like, yeah, that's mine. Yeah. But it's like the way a kid would sort of put together like a clubhouse.

You know what I mean? It's like, we're going to clean this place up and it's going to be great. We can live here and play here and it's going to be happy days forever. And this rabbit thing, which should fucking know better. Oh, yes. It's just like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, no, you know what's coming through that door.

Thanks, Rabbit. Now, let's, let's help me air out this, this old man stink. So, right when they, like, get everything cleaned up and they just finish cooking dinner, there's a, there's a couple of footsteps that come rustling up toward the door. And who walks into the movie, but Wilford, the fuck, brittling. His grumbling entrance. How'd you get here? He brought us here.

He did, uh-huh. you asked a little bug lover i've told you and i've told you i don't want no strangers around this place and look what you done you brought them here and you don't even know who they are who are you this was one of the most fun times i had watching a movie for this podcast because he is a surly delight he's fucking furious that these people are in his house but he's just like get out of here what do you know you're just in all my things and you you let him in and the rabbit's weird though is like the way he speaks to this little girl is how he would like you know how you should react if you walked in to find like an adult in your house

yeah yeah you find a little kid in your house it's like all right little kid what are you doing here where are your parents come on get out he's like oh get the get the hell out of here now come You get a move on. You better get out of my house. He never really asked where our parents are. He's just like, he's like, you get out of here. You are you man from here from the government?

I've given the empire too many of my space bucks that came out here to get space. Yeah, he does have this weird, like, loner thing going on. It's a Ted Kaczynski vibe going on 100%. Like, he wants to be out there and he doesn't want anyone. around except for this rabbit thing that he may or may not be fucking or whatever's going on there's a reason I let you live in this house and you know what

that is goddammit well yeah that's the best part so he kicks them out he's all fucking pissed at them and then he choose this rabbit out for like five minutes because it's his spouse it is like just like the podcast went back in time and guess what someone took an ewalk for a bride yeah exactly this is the courtship of fucking

this Ewak village and it's just this guy and he's just like oh god damn you let you just let him in my house of course you did they're just making dinner and messing up all my things what i love is he kicks him out of the house and he's like oh finally they're gone oh what do we have here they made food better eat it he's just like eating their dinner like oh this is delicious i'm so glad i came home and found all this food in my kitchen the best part is when Wilford Brimley opens his little oven and goes like, muffins? How'd they know I love muffins?

This is, these two are for tonight, and the rest is for the rest. I'm going to freeze this and drop it later. I'm going to put it in a cool shack in a river. He's like yelling at the rabbit thing. He's like, why can't you cook food like this every day when I get home from work God, Darmort? And the rabbit...

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The other thing is looking at this little girl and defenseless teddy bear just sitting on his lawn. Like, it's really sad because it's just like, I'm cold. And it's like, I know, so am I. What's insane about that? You totally said it, Steve. It's like, how the fuck is a little teddy bear cold? Yeah, exactly. And, I mean, okay, it's Endor and who knows what's going on with the weather patterns on Endor and whatever.

But, like, it looks relatively sunny out. I mean, you're filming this in fucking Southern California. California or whatever. It's fine. Like, it doesn't look that cold out, little girl. Come on. And the, the, the, the, the, the, so the rabbit, like, is like, I have super speed. I'm going to sneak them out muffins so they don't die. And then he gets back quick enough. And Wilford Brimler's like, well, the buffet. Well, I guess you were hungry, huh? Ain't all the muffins. And he's like, he's like yelling at him from inside the house, too. He's like, oh, it's going to get very cold out there, isn't it? They're a fun starving to death And then they start like

They start a fire Like the thing is they're like only 10 feet away from his house And they start a fire And he's like God damn it And he has to like go out there What is that light? What's great is they're sitting there And it's like this like nice beautiful moment

Where she's like She's finally like getting a chance To take a breath And like just sort of register All the trauma that's happened to her In the last few hours And she's like, man, Wicked, like, I miss my family. Like, this is going to be really hard.

And it's this, like, nice heartfelt moment where they're leaning up against a log. And she kind of, like, puts her head on his cuddly shoulder. And then it cuts to, like, an overhead shot of them. And you see the little fire. And out of nowhere, Wilford Brimley runs into the frame and just throws water on the fire. You're going to start a goddamn forest fire. Get the hell inside. Thank you for building a fire.

I'm so glad you're here. Yeah. You know what? You're my best friend. Yes, best friend. All right, what are you two little wood rats trying to do? Burn down the whole forest? But I was cold.

I ain't going to let you build one of these fires, you know, unless you build it in a fireplace. The only place you're making fires in a fireplace. You stupid monkeys. He calls the beggars the whole time Like it's supposed to be this endearing like Oh he's a crad to the old man Like you know warming up

But it's more like you're stealing my food What's weird about it is he specifically calls them beggars Like you little beggars blah blah blah Not once do they ask that fat old man for a thing Not a goddamn thing No way they're staying at his house They're using up his food and his shelter But they're not asking for anything

Like if anything They were just kind of taking it over because Wilford Brimley doesn't know any better they can lock his door when he goes out hunting in the middle of the day or whatever he's doing. God damn,

freeloading beggars, welfare state, et cetera. I don't know if there are locks in the Star Wars universe. Eric, I've never seen a locked anything. There's,

well, there are locks in imperial compounds. Oh, yeah, like space locks. And actually, in Mosisley, you'll notice one of the stormtroopers

when they're looking for the droids is like, it's locked, go on to the next one. Which is... Just a side note on that line, because I've recently been watching the, I've been obsessed with the Star Wars despecialized bootleg editions that are going around the internet. And folks at home, if you're looking for gorgeous, original theatrical cut, Blu-ray quality transfers. No special edition crap at all.

Yeah. Google Star Wars despecialized editions. But anyway, so I was watching New Hope. And they got that fucking search party. And they're looking for those goddamn droids. And he just goes up to the door and it doesn't open. He's like, all right, this one's locked. keep going it's well now wait a second stormtrooper don't you think if you approach a locked door

you should probably knock or break it down or like you are fucking part of the empire like you have carte blanche to walk around fucking up any door you want it is a wretched hive of scum and villainy so i guess only the innocent would lock their doors i don't know well no i mean if it's i think there's a kind of a rule in most icely if there's a locked door you keep on a walk You don't want to know what's going on behind there. Storm Trooper walks in on the set of a snuff film. Exactly. There's just weird leather masks on, like, fucking anti-eater-looking monsters.

My mistake, these aren't the droids I'm looking for. No, no. What's amazing, too, about before he... I don't know if it's before or after he brings them into the house. I think it's before. Because he's just ranting at that one rabbit puppet puppet... But he's just... just like kind of just talking to himself and it's just like it's some of the best like old man mumbling

and grumbling you'll ever hear in your life and there's going to be pictures up obviously on the facebook page of what he looks like in this movie but it is like full on fucking beard wildly old man hair he's wearing like i don't know space overalls like he looks redonculous in this movie he looks Santa Claus is like fucking forest brother. He's like he's like the hobo Santa Claus for all the homeless

children across the galaxy. For all you beggars here's a bunch of coal. So he brings them inside and you know they're warming up and whatever. He's like even when he's like going to take care of them it's still like amazingly hostile towards them because

he's just like, all right you're going to sleep on the floor here. You're not going to get a damn thing for me. And in this house, we work, so you're going to be cleaning the kitchen and sweeping the floor and doing my laundry and cutting my toenails. And then she has this, like, American Werewolf and London-esque nightmare where, like, the whole house is filled with all those things. All of her, like, tormentors. We never get a race on these, on the bad guys. No, they're credited, actually, as being marauders.

Like, that's the most information you get on these people. She's like, Wilford Brimley wake up But it's just a big old scary marauder like Yeah, totally And then she's, you know, she got PTSD She's fucking screaming her head off And Wilford was like, motherfucker I'm trying to sleep here

I got a screaming fucking shit and kid My God, get my bed already Yeah, that's awesome Like he just concedes to like All right, now you get in my bed The teddy bear you're going to get in my bed I'm just going to sit in this chair all night sit in my fucking hickory chair i guess this is your fault you fucking rabbit

fucking wring your shitty neck that's what he does though he sits down at like the kitchen table and he's like this is all your fucking fault tomorrow these people are back out of the street yeah that's right back on the iwok streets that is a fucking hard life out there is hustling and pimped school of hard knocks see what you're done now look where we're into we got a lot better things to do

you know than look after these little boundaries somebody's hungry worrying about them and come daylight they're going to have to go so then we just like and this is where I started to take issue with the

film because after all this amazing fucking family slaughter and EWalk death and Marauders falling off cliffs and whatever else is going on all the all the little girl in peril high theatrics and all that shit it just slows to a crawl and it's like living the life with wilford brimley which honestly i don't have a problem with because it's a fun time watching that crazy old coot but it's only fun because we were adding in all these jokes and just laughing at if you're

just sitting there by yourself which folks at home you should not watch this movie by yourself at least with a buddy or two so you can all be sitting around laughing at Wilford Brimley. Just just like most movies we do that the buddy system should be enforced. Yes, no. Never go alone. No. Not at all because you just sit there and he's like

he wakes up and he's like all right now listen, Goddammit. I'm going to go out in the day and you're going to sit here and clean my house. When I come home, this kitchen better be spotless and he just like leaves or whatever. And of course it's like where do you think he goes every day, Wicked? I don't know. Let's go

find out. And so they I was like, oh, you told you which means don't go there. This is a

pretty sweet gig we've got here. Don't fuck it up. That's an amazing little moment in the

movie is the little girl's like, well, let's go find out what they're doing, Wick, and they go off and the

rabbit's just sitting behind like, no, he's going to yell at me again. Fuck this. Rabbit,

like, has newly mended broken arm kind of a situation. from a fucking can upon a spaghetti that spilled three weeks prior

you did it again after he had a long night in the moonshine yeah this rabbit has to tell like all his other rabbit friends that like he's walking into all sorts of doors he loves me though we got a really great setup so they follow

Wilford Brimley on this hike in the woods and they get to a big star cruiser that's just covered over with plants and everything it's obviously been there for a while and you know they sneak up behind him and the fucking wicket man he is always up to no good

because he just gets stuck in like a trap that Wilford Brimley leaves around like the perimeter of this spaceship and he turns around and he turns around it's like oh goddam I told you about to follow me and then you know they cut him down and whatever and so

then we get we get the story of Wilford Brimley was some sort of, you know, space explorer or whatever, and he had a buddy with him. And I hated the government, so I came off the grid. Yeah, no, that's what I was like, we're going to set out to get all the gold in the universe. I just, I just came here to pay it for gold in the Ewok Rivers. I just wanted my own piece of land. No one tells me what to do. Fresh air.

No taxes. Which is much like the real, real Wilfred Brimley. because he lives up in like Montana, Wyoming. I imagine there's a compound going on, right? The Brimley compound? Yeah, I can see that happening. There's a few rifles there. There's a bottle of whiskey every couple yards just in case.

It's always got to be within reaching distance, man. It really does. God, it sounds like heaven. A lot of epipens all over the countertops, you know. You got to test yourself. Probably not a pool, though. Why don't be able to pool? Well, I would imagine he's not.

not one for swimming. I'm swimming hole for the grandkids. Goddammit, I got to put chlorine in this? How often? You're going to drown in there. I'm just going to pour it some mud, so it's just like the watering hole back where I grew up. You kids just go play in the mud.

I don't think I would want Wolframer Brimley for a grandfather. No, me either. I mean, like, I don't think he would, like, the think of it is, and I don't think that he's, he would be abusive, but I think he would just grab you too hard. Like, hey, now cut it out. Whifford really does not know his own strength. No. I feel it's a thing where, like, he's always making it a point to teach me lessons, you know, like, you'd just be sitting around at Thanksgiving and you get a big old paw on your shoulder. Hey, you know, when I was growing up, it was my responsibility to make sure that the turkey wasn't drying out in the oven.

Why don't you get up and do something? Your mother's in that kitchen slaving away, and you're out here watching your video game box. Hey, boy, yams don't candy themselves. I love how older people don't understand how to form a sentence with video games in it, because the verbs and the nouns always get all mixed up. It's like, oh, you're just video gaming your game away. with a game on your

video game. That's what it's what it turns out to be. Your set top Nintendo box is getting in the way of my magazine collection. I didn't fight two wars in Korea for you to

leap-glopp away. Two wars in Korea. So... Okay, his real backstory. The real character backstory. The character's backstory is what I started saying, which was like they crash landed

and they were looking for a new power cell because their fucking car battery broke down and they couldn't get the spaceship started so his buddy went out wandering and trying to find a new one which is like all right this is what doesn't make any sense about that okay like your spaceship crash lands

okay and it's like a wooded planet of some kind you know and it's obviously like not super populated there's no cities or anything around you and you're just like well I'm going to go out and search the forest for this car battery. You know what I think really happened?

Like, that's what Wilford Brimley's side of the story. Right, because he's telling, like, a little fucking, like, seven-year-old girl. The thing crashes, and Wilford Brimley was fucking inconsolably angry about it. Right. Fucking Sal, it's your goddamn fault. I told you not to take that goddamn turn. And it's just, like, screaming at him and fucking yelling. And he's just like, you know what?

I'm going to go over here. Maybe I'll find a battery. but I don't have to listen to your shit anymore. I would prefer, and this isn't what happens because we come to find out later on, you know, it's really no big deal and it's just like mildly

paid attention to when you do see it happen. But like his buddy was captured by these fucking orc marauders and they, you see his fucking skeleton in their castle toward the end of the movie and that's fine or whatever. I'm picturing a much more awesome situation in where.

That fight that you're talking about That inconsolable anger Is just consuming his soul And they're living like day in and day out On Endor just trying to get this fucking spaceship working Yeah And days are turning into weeks Turning into months

And they have no idea what day it is Is it the same year anymore His beard is out of control And one day they just getting a fight over whose fucking can of beans was fucking roasting on the fire longer and Wilford Brimley

just fucking comes up behind this guy lifts a gigantic rock over his head and brings it down on this fucker. Now you got a damn rabbit you gotta dig that grave quicker. The rabbit was a witness.

He's like, now you're my slave. You want to join them little feller? Well, then you best do what I say. That's how that fucking relationship started exactly. Just described a really good twilight

day. That actually takes place in a galaxy far, far away. But yeah, that's a much more interesting story than his fucking lame. Well, he went off into the woods and I just presume he's dead, but I haven't looked for him or nothing. Which is when there is a moment where she's

like hey uh hey noah that's wilfr brimley's character hey noah um your friend's dead right and he's just like yeah i think so and she's like yeah just like my entire family that's that's that's a that's a thing we have in common this little girl is gonna grow up to be fucked up i mean i we'll get to the where's where we leave her at the end of this movie and where eric knows she goes well i have the internet so but yeah it's just it's a bad situation for this little girl so uh they they bond inside the spaceship after fucking what i also love about that one scene we're wicket steps into the fucking trap is wilfr brimley is really upset but he's really upset in a way when you see a kid with a gun because he's like i have so many worse traps out here like you

found the good one like lord knows what else he's got going on out there and i was thinking that's where the ewks learn to take down the empire through a series of booby traps it all goes back to brimley yeah that's absolutely true No, of course. Brimley, his game of survival in the woods. Yeah, totally. He's like a fucking weird Star Wars, like Bear Grillis or whatever. Yeah, he's like, he like goes down on the Ewok planet.

He's like the one guy that knows like, well, there's special syrup here that the Ewarks get from this dickers. Not many people know this, but now if you're going to be in the Ewok forest, you should know this for survival. And I'll tell you, with that tree dick's here, but a little bit. the makers mark you've got yourself a Christmas dinner right there so after they bond in the spaceship over having fucking no one in

their lives that care for them they go back to the Brimley compound in the forest and we cut in on and again I don't know it's just a weird Star Wars universe thing where you can't escape musical

performances God because they just cut in and like Wilford Brimley's playing a recorder and Wickett's just drumming on his fucking stovepipes and the rabbit's got something and the little girls like dancing around playing something and it's just this like innocent moment of who gives a shit well this I think kind of leads to one of the biggest things. about this we kind of we touched on it in the first uh when we talked about you walk one which is that

wilford brimley fucking hated the directors in this movie right and couldn't towards the end of it could not be directed by that right yeah apparently joe johnston directed most of the scenes with wilford brimley which sort of means joe johnson directed most of this movie yeah which is crazy because in we were watching the credits at the end of it and he's credited as the director of the second unit stuff so like they must have been like all right all right all of brimley's scenes are getting transferred over to second unit yeah well that's a little weird guys why we do it don't ask any fucking questions

that's what's going on johnston do it joe stop filming ferns for half a second we need you to take the brimley yeah joe johnson of uh captain america fame the new the first avenger he just directed that yeah it's just super weird because yeah he's a second unit director directing the lead character essentially right yeah totally right yeah he got shaft to i have a directing credit

But what I was saying In this scene specifically I just wonder if there's any If there's anyone who gives this shit less About fucking Star Wars Is it Alec Guinness or Burr Lives It's Wilford Brimley by far Oh yeah yeah yeah

Like he must I just don't know what broke him And like hey why the fuck he signed to do this Like I can't imagine the money was that good No You can't you could make more money Doing a two episode guest slot on Matlock, which I'm sure he was

fucking apt to do. Do you think he thought this was like a real Star Wars movie? Yeah, he just didn't know the difference. Well, I'm going to be the Ben Kenobi of 1985. Maybe that's what it was. He got wind of it. Like, he just took, yeah, Star Wars. It's going to be the biggest thing that's life spread.

And then, like, he took it. And he was like, television? God damn it. If you look at his character, he's sort of like a Ben, because he's like he's like living in isolation he's like he's like an old man that's that's like kind of supposedly well i would imagine people view him as crazy because they view canobi as crazy but he has none of the tricks and none of the wisdom to fast on to anyone no it's just he's the v if there was an american legion on this planet he would be there every night having the salisbury

steak oh yeah no absolutely hey rabbit I'm going down to the VFW to watch the game. Don't wait up. And don't you go alivand it off with those Ewoks either. Goddammit, I told you not to go out with the Ewarks. They're a bad influence. They're going to put all sorts of crazy thoughts in your head about leaving me here alone.

That's what you want, isn't it, Goddammit? You want to leave me here alone, not cleaning my house anymore. I put a roof over your goddamn head, goddammit. Do you remember what I did to the other? feller. And then he just like every time Wilburne

leaves the house, he just takes one finger on one end of his throat and slides it across. Oh yeah. Don't forget, rabbit. You don't speak English, but you know what that means, don't you?

You're pretty little throat's going to get ripped out. But my big man, that's something. How come this little rabbit EWalk creature doesn't know English while Wicked picks it up in like three weeks

or less than that. Because all Wilford Brimley says to him is all these berating fucking like clean my kitchen command. The only word the little rabbit thing knows is motherfucker. Exactly. So

the, you know, we cut back and yeah, it's really just the whole thrust of this movie is these fucking morons dot knowing what technology is and they're just like trying to rub magic dust on this fucking power converter like it's not working yeah it's just all you're sitting there and it's just like fucking baffling because at the end of the day this is not a villainous plot by any mean no it's it's just misguided fucking stupidity this might come off sounding weird but it's

sort of like uh the gods must be crazy because it's like they find like a coke bottle and it's just like whoa what is this crazy thing yeah that's exactly what it is yeah yeah no no that's exactly right yeah no that's i think that's a perfect way to put it and you're just cutting it it cuts from like wilford brimley playing a recorder and they're having a fucking great life together and he's talking about trying to fix this spaceship to these fucking orc things in a castle and they're all just like kind of hanging around like drinking there's a lot of drinking like they're all just drunk and gambling and the one leader is doing the whole like throw and hangs heavy kind of shit and he's just like

like, you know, I can't get this magic to work. I can't get this magic to work. And at the end of the day, it's like a kid who's like, you know, they see something in a store or whatever. And it's not like a toy or anything. Like, you know, kids want stupid things. Yeah. And you're saying to the kid, like, why do you want that?

Well, I don't know, but I want it because it's there. Yeah. That's what this is. It's like, hey, buddy, why do you want that? Well, I don't know, but I need it. I need the energy insight. I like power. Yeah, it's just like power. Like this vague idea. And you don't know if it means, like, kinetic energy power or, like, social status power.

Like, it's just so vague. And the witch is just there being, like, terrified out of her fucking wits. If these people got to fucking slit her goddamn throat. Right. So she's just like, yeah, no, I can't make this magic work. You need to get that little girl here. She knows how to do it. And he's like, of course, the little three-year-old.

Like, you know what I mean? they fuck it they go and they kidnap her by the way this it's a good way that they kidnap her because the witch uses a little witchcraft to do that now she turns herself prettier she turns herself into a younger blonde with a white horse and like she like whispers through the woods sindell's name so that she comes out of wolfer brimley's clutches into the woods siren song fucking attracts her out in the middle of the night while brimley's just out you a passed out cold. I'll go over.

And you know what this woman does? It's totally the fucking, when the sexy chick and the shining just turns into a naked zombie and Jack Nicholson's like going to throw up. Like that's what that's like because she's like, oh yeah, I'm this nice white fairy. Like come over here and hang out, you know? And she's like, oh, you like the song that I'm singing you? And she's like, yeah, how did you know I like that song? And when they get, like, you know, close enough, she switches over or whatever.

And it's like, oh, you fell for it. But so they kidnap her. And she brings her all the way back to this fucking castle. And the girl's like, dude, I'm fucking five years old and my family's dead. The fuck do you think I want to do with this fucking nuclear reactor? It's so amazing because he's like, all right, child, turn on the power. And she's like, I don't know how to do that. He's like, bullshit, turn on the power.

And she's like, no, really, you're not listening to me. I have no idea what the fuck that is. Also, I can't read. I would like to be in school right now, but my fucking family's dead. I would have loved this big villain was his ta-lok or whatever. Teltex. Tal-Lander. I would have liked him to be so power-hungry for this goddamn,

damn little nuclear reactor thing that he would just bust it open and then the rest of the movie is like two weeks of this whole orc race suffering from radiation poisoning like my hair is coming I can't stop vomiting

blood I think my eyes are bleeding and then the one guy the king is just like I have all the power oh is this my teeth that's coming out

what is happening I feel bad all the time so then we cut back to Brimley Estates and he's passed out cold and fucking Wicked wakes up and he's like oh oh holy fuck she's gone

again she's been fucking kidnapped under my guard and he goes to like wake up Wilford Brimley or whatever and let me tell you something Wilford Brimley is a risky actor Because this scene is him like passed out cold And you did a sleeping gown

Like he's a fucking yes It's a fucking Dickensian sleeping gown He went method with it There's all sorts of fucking thigh going on He looks like the fucking computerized Anthony Hopkins and Beowulf Where he's just wearing like a fucking Slitnut dress

Yeah, there's a couple of scenes where he looks like Lindsay Lohan walking out of a limo. The fucking EWalk walks up and he's like, oh no, again, she's been kidnapped. And Brutley's like, what now what's going on? Oh, God, God, God, but she's gone. Oh, fuck, now I'm going to deal with this shit. You see, it's all your fault, rabbit. What's going on here? What's the matter?

What is it? What are you talking about? You're a little bigger? In the gun! Brimley looks at the rabbit and then fucking taps on the window and outside you see the unmarked grave of that guy. And he's got a little other grave that's open? You're next, goddammit. Get your shoes out.

You're going to sleep. There's a little cross on it that says rabbit. Select the suit you want to be buried in. Now I got this little fucking girl on my conscience. So they formed their own fucking caravan of courage and set out to save the girl. Caravan of Searle is more like it. And it's a weird, like, I have no idea how he fucking tracks her to that castle. No clue.

It must be a thing where all of Endor is like those fucking acid flats and the mountain where That big thing lived in fucking EWalk 1. Then the EWalk Village on the other side of town, Wilford Brimley's house. And then this gigantic castle world, these orcs live. It looks like a map of Disney world. And then there's the world of tomorrow, which you don't want to miss. Oh, there's really nothing at Epcot Center, right? Like, everyone thinks stuff there.

Is there really stuff there? Yeah, I thought it was dull. No, it's awesome. There's a whole, like, all the country. of the world, not all of them, but a good chunk, you know, the good ones are they're represented with like, you know, food of the, you know, the nation and stuff like that. And you can actually buy beer and shit at all of them. And you sort of like drink your way around the world. I see, I've only been there since I was a kid. And obviously like, you know, I couldn't, I wasn't

drinking as much then. So I didn't. So he gets to this castle. And along the way, like the rabbit like comes along and fucking wicket's there. But I mean, I don't remember. He doesn't have a horse does he they just walk they're hoofing it he just he does for a man of his age and you know size and he's got the diabetes I'm just picturing like Wilford Brimley shows up

like two months later and the movie's over god darn it where the hell is everybody they just a little skull a little fucking skeleton with a headband on it he's like oh fuck well theoretically though if that was the case who was like all right well I guess my life is just

back to the way it was before this happens. Wicked's fucking EWalk Pelt is just hanging over a fireplace. Oh, I'd love it. So, yeah, I mean, they kind of like, they sneak into the castle with a fucking grappling hook that he just

sort of has for no reason. Oh, good God, is it a fucking Batman grappling gun? And fucking Wicked. So Wicked goes up first, and then just fucking launches this other, this monster, this orc over the fucking side murders him.

Well, what's... Flat-out Cold Blood murder. What's great about it is they get there and Wilford Brimley, they get to the fucking like base of the castle

and Wilford Brimley's like, oh, Goddamma, the moat. And Wicitt's like, no, no, it's perfectly fine because Wicket can swim. And he's like,

no, you goddamn teddy bear, look. And he sticks a fucking branch in the water and some fucking space creature just like eats it. And he's like, see,

that's why you don't go swimming, goddama. That's why you never take a bath. That's why you play with that mud. You go over there and play with that mud. Noah, look. Oh, my goodness. When you look at that mold, now, water black as ink.

Wicked, swim. Oh, no, you don't swim. Here, take a look of this. you see that that could have been you a little beggar the rabbit climbs up because he's got like super speed so he climbs this thing and then the rabbit pulls wicket up and the two of them are hanging out and this fucking orc crossing guard just like walks by it a crossing guard is crossing by them for the orcs daycare center that's getting out and uh and they're like well we have no choice but pushing him over the side and like wilford brimley hangs onto the other end of the rope and like wilford brimley hangs on to the other end of the rope and like like the weight like you know pulls brimley up and this guy goes down and this fucking thing goes head first into the water where i can only presume it's like a fucking like piranha sarlack or something like that just hanging out oh yeah eats the shit out of them but then what's great is they're walking around this castle and and they're like all right well we got to we got to find

all our friends and we got to find this little girl and whatever and uh and wilford brimley like while they're trying to fucking ninja style around this castle creeping around everywhere. Wilford Brinley's just fucking berating them like, I thought you knew where we were going, goddammit. Like at the top of his lungs and you're like, dude, you are fucking stooping through a castle right now. Shut up. Well, lucky

for him, everyone's fucking loaded. Yeah. All these fucking orcs are sitting around like pirates just drinking fucking space rum. I picked the wrong side of this country. They had booze the whole time? The whole

time. He is a heart attack. that's the end of the movie I've been all this rock 50 years I've been living dry for 50 god-dard years and it's just awesome this fucking scene where they're

like all right they make their way to the jail and jailed is the little girl and all the fucking EWalk slaves which who knows where and how they've been fucking prodded and pokes this movie started and they're like

oh oh this is great or whatever. And there's these two fucking guards just like drinking and playing cards or whatever. And they wind up like getting tricked into shooting each other with blasters, which is fucking awesome because the rabbit like fucks with them.

I don't remember exactly what happens, but someone makes a sudden move and all of a sudden these guys are just firing on each other. Well, no, no, no. The rabbit puts a fucking card in the sleeve of one of the fucking soldiers. Oh, right. So it's like an old west shootout. You cheater and they both shoot each other. That's right. That's what

it is which is awesome but before that fuck this little girl dude because they're snooping in and she sees that they're snooping in to save them and uh and she's just fucking out loud she's just like hey it's wicked and she's like whoa whoa

whoa again why is everyone yelling in this castle like shut the fuck up this is a fucking black ops mission man she has no idea what is going on around here at all if she's a kid crying the whole fucking movie because her family's dead i mean that's just a thing where it's like you know what she

i guess if she was younger right if it was like a little kid like little little little you know like maybe a three year old or something like that like then that's a situation where she's like all right i can't my brain can't process what's happening like i don't know what explosions are like i don't know what my fucking blinking wristband means or anything like that she's definitely old enough to grasp the concept of death you know like she just is like and the fact that she doesn't get it it's just like i mean i don't know at the end of the day she's fucking living in a little fantasy world where her best friend is a talking teddy bear so it's like you know maybe she's dumb also a possibility she's just really really dumb

So they break out all these fucking Ewarks and whatever. And then the action finally picks up again. One of my favorite part of when the Ewarks are breaking out of jail and, Wicked's like letting everyone out with the key. And like, he's almost like, well, I guess I'll let out this witch because, you know, she's now a prisoner too because the main Tallulacci Stan or whatever guy's name is got mad at her and like locked her up. Right. Yeah, because she can't do magic good or whatever.

but uh so tar tarlac gets mad and shoves her in the prison too so wicket's like well you know maybe i'll let out the the witch and then the little girl's just like no not her and tosses the key down gutter like guess what no that witch ain't ever getting out let her rot yeah it's it's bone chilling it's kind of a dark moment yeah yeah this fucking girl really messed up it's gonna be man so yes the action picks up and now fucking the problem with the

the end of this movie which is kind of where we are thankfully is that you know fucking it's just it's all one side Ewaks kill everybody and no more

Ewaks get killed which I mean it's kind of hilarious to watch these teddy bears just fucking slaughter these people but it's you do want to see some fucking you know at least one neck get broken from an Ewok.

Because the action moves back into the woods and the Ewarks like home turf. It's like the orcs nom. Yeah, exactly. And they're just being picked off, man. Can they get this conflict? And the fucking Ewoks are in the bushes. The Ewoks are everywhere.

They're in the fucking trees, man. No, they absolutely are. And, you know, it's fucked up though in this movie because much like in Jedi when like, you know, they fucking drop a branch on somebody or they trip somebody with a rope. and they fall over and the Ewaks are like yeah and they like you know give each other a high five and whatever in this movie they're shooting like bows and arrows into these guys's throats and they're still like oh high five it and shit yeah it's not cute anymore it's really kind of bizarre it's fucking twisted it absolutely is they celebrate murder every chance they do it's all like little awesome they're like fucking kevin mccallick stare yes like all the time no you're fucking hurting people stop it you little sadden So to properly explain the fucking horrific climax of this movie, it needs to be mentioned.

The witch has this magic ring that she puts on her finger. And when she does, she can turn into a crow. And then she just flies around and whatever. Who cares? Well, so the fucking main bad guy, Talistan or whatever his name is, is like, you know what, witch, you're going to get turned into a crow. and then I'm going to fucking take this ring from you. Yeah, and you can never turn back into a human. Like, that's what we're dealing with

right now. And so he's got this ring like around his hand or whatever. Or around his neck. Or around his neck, yeah, excuse me. And so something happens where like someone throws something at him or like hits him with something. Well, this actually is in the, towards the big thing

at the end, because he takes Sindel hostage during the big forest fight. Right. And Wilford Brimley is like trying to get her back and the guy's like well you got to give me the power cylinder but that powers wilford brimley's starship so obviously that would be a bad deal so wilfrid brimley gives the guy the option you know what let's fight to the death you and me that's right he totally says fight to the death you and me manu imano well then he's just like all right you are you want to take a little girl's hostage

here and he like puts the fucking power battery on the floor is like now you fight me for it Let her go, and you fight me for it. Which is, it's so ridiculous because this fucking bad guy has this gigantic Persian sword that he's swinging around. Like fucking Aladdin. Yeah, and Wilford Brimley's just got this fucking, like, wooden fucking Gandalf staff. Yeah, with a fox on it for some reason. And he's just hitting him with it and shit. And, like, the sword is coming down on this thing.

And Wilford Brimley's, like, using the sword. he's blocking the sword with this staff and it's like how dull is this fucking sword that this guy has that it's not just cutting right through that villain is pretty tall and lean and he's moving around and wilfr brimley's just doing like gymnastics out of his way how is he dodging all these swings no it's an amazing stunt double like wilford brimley's only you know the only thing he has is he's got a low center of gravity and he's fucking stout like what you his only move is the the bulrush and then, like, pounding him. Right. Which he's not, you're not dodging him. It's not going to be this fucking choreographed situation. Wilford Brimley's character fights the way a person playing Mortal Kombat plays when, like, they just know the one move and it works so they keep doing it on you.

And you're like, come on, man, quit being cheap. Quit being cheap, man. Do some other fucking move. Just fucking sucks. Stop doing that jump in kick all the time. Yes, that's exactly what he's doing. The jump, flip twice, and kick him in the head. like that's what's happening and so the the fucking skirmish is going down or whatever and there's a couple of times where brimley almost bites the dust big time and then through somewhere or another this fucking ring is destroyed yeah i think like i think wicket throws a rock at him or something like oh yeah like a slingshot type of situation

yeah he does a slingshot and it hits the ring and then he's like oh no and it just he grabs it like what's happened starts glowing and he grabs it and he holds it in it his hand and he just starts like screaming and it's fucked up like his eyes just like you know turn white and there's like light coming out of his mouth yeah yeah light coming out of all of his orifices it's really like creepy and he just turns into a fucking statue like he's a charred out fucking corp yeah like a statue made of ash it's it's real fucking Sodom and gamora shit like do not look back at that fucking city yeah and what's amazing is when that happens everyone is just like holy fucking shit like all these ewalks are dead silent and the little

girls just like still not comprehending a goddamn thing and Wilford Brimley is the first one to speak and he just goes look at that well look at that like yeah I guess that's a proper response in seeing a fucking monster just turn to burned corpse there's a deleted scene where the rabbit tries to look

away and Wilford Brinley pulls him by a chair like No, you look at it. You look and see what happens. That's going to be you if you don't do these goddamn dishes. I just killed a king. What are you? I'm the king of this dirt rock. They vanquished the enemy, but the end of the movie is kind of weird too,

where it's like, you know, Wolframbert, like now he has the power source, and obviously this little girl kind of can't get any kind of schooling. or much of a life on this Ewok village. You can't grow up on Endor if you're a human. Like, it's just impossible. But it's just like he goes, he, Wilford-Berl really takes her away, but it's like humans only on this spaceship.

Yeah. I mean, that's, I mean, the thing about it, we were saying, like, you know, why isn't he taking the rabbit? But I think what that situation is, is he's finally just like, you know what, Robert?

I've been fucking horrible to you. You, you've done enough. You, you're free now. You're free to go. Go play with the monkeys. My fucking sexual imprisonment that I've kept you in for fucking 20 years. Or maybe he's finally enforcing his goddamn rules. Like, no beggars on this ship.

Hey, hey, no free rides. Sorry. Yeah, but that's, but that's, that's a nice way to look at it, Andrew. But really what this is, is this is an abusive relationship, right? Yeah, yeah. Where this guy is just fucking abusing this, this weaker person the entire time. And the second he hits it big, does he fucking turn around and treat that fucking rabbit right? No, he leaves her in the fucking dump.

And he fucking goes off to the big city. Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. And takes his new fucking gal-pal with him, I guess. This fucking eight-year-old girl. Sindel does tell Wicked that she'll be back. She'll be back to visit. know what you know what that is here's what that is okay it's uh it's it's it's when you when you're

a kid and if you um you you move away and like when that like school year's coming to an end and you know like you're not really that upset about it because it's like yeah whatever but you've got some friends in school who are like man we're going to miss you whatever it's listen i'm going to come back i'm going to visit don't worry about it you turn to walk out the door and you're like i'm not coming back to visit those people like that's what that is Well, I got burned one time because I lent this kid a Dick Tracy action figure on the last day of school. And he's like, yeah, man, totally see you next year. I was like, oh, cool.

I didn't know. I saw that fucking thing again. And that's why you don't loan people things. God damn it, you don't give no beggars. No beggar. You don't give a beggar a toy. So Warwick Davis said that they were actually in the script development phase for EW. three.

Oh, Christ. Which never happened. So I was thinking maybe that is where the visiting situation would happen. Yeah, maybe a flash forward situation. Yeah, like, yeah, she's now 19. God, darn it, we got to go back to that monkey forest planet for what now? Oh, God, that rabbit's going to have words for me. Just so you could visit that little mutt.

here's a question to sort of close this out where does this fit in the Star Wars Pantheon because I mean I personally enjoyed this so much more than EWox 1 clearly right as far as fun goes I guess it's just better than EWX 1 I think that's kind of where it's at

the only thing I'll say is I never saw that holiday special that's kind of like the last piece of Star Wars movie-ish things. That's just a bunch of gobbly gook anyway. It's not a real movie. Right, right, right, right. So I guess like, then

officially, right, like, EWalk 1, like that's the worst Star Wars movie. And this is like the second worst Star Wars movie. Although, I don't know. If you give me some time to stew on it, I might watch this over Phantom Menace. I think

I think I'd put this over Phantom Menace and maybe even attack of the clones. really yeah like it's it's it's it's it's crap but so are those like this is definitely no revenge of the Sith level yeah it's it's lower than that but I mean the problem is it's still got that bullshit you walk mythology where there's magic there where there shouldn't be and there's also other races with magic we see with the witch who by the way turns into that crow and is a crow forever because because teradactal like burnt to cinder with that with her with her magic wand which is

which is awesome like that's one of those things where it's like you can't come back to being a human but like god's got to fucking burn your ass yeah think of that man being a crow forever so i think i mean i don't want to speak for everybody here but is this is this at all recommend i i would i would recommend it yeah i would not recommend ewalk adventure but i actually i would recommend this under the right circumstances like you have people and you want to watch something crappy and you want to joke around yeah yeah i it's a recommend for me for the the same reason. Yeah, and I agree with you, Eric, you don't have to watch the first one to get what's going on. Yes. No, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, it would actually be kind of cool if you, you know, had some people over who had no idea about that first movie and you were just like, yeah, this is a movie about a family living on Endor with the Ewarks and they just have a little adventure. And then all that fucking murder starts happening and these people are like, wait, what the fuck is going on? And then the Ewachs start talking English. Like, what is happening you but the thing of it is

and like the end of this movie does have that great fucking you know guy turning to ash which is amazing but like you can pretty much shut this movie off at 45 minutes because after you know obviously the first 20 minutes that it's like the fucking opening of saving private Ryan

it's like holy shit what's going on here yeah it is very very much ewalks on the beaches of Normandy just be picked off by the Third Reich so there's that and then there's the Wilford Brimley, what do you call it there? Introduction, which is just fucking hilarious.

But it just kind of peters off for like 50, the next 40 minutes after that. It's just kind of like a bit of a slog. Yeah, no, it's definitely you can fast forward if you'd like to because, listen, even though there's no fucking Ewok clean neck breaks, which that's something I still want to live to see. Someone sneak up behind an Ewok and just fucking snap its neck. How great would that be? but it's it's still awesome to see them just fucking kicking ass with like bows and arrows yeah and fucking just murdering people and like high-fiving each other afterwards like that's all awesome

and honestly wilfrid brimley fight scene hello that's fucking great and hilarious so i think i think there's stuff in here to watch i would totally say get everybody over with some fucking beers and and do it up enjoy the brimley overload that you you get because you know what's also like interesting is uh i mean outside of those cocoon movies and stuff i mean how often is he a big character in movies not many even the thing which is one of my my favorite movie with him he's kind of barely in it yeah like he's not he's you know the dad in in and out which is a pretty funny movie but it's not a big role yeah you know so this is like it's fucking surly old ugly american fucking wilford brimley

absolutely and that alone i think is is enough to fucking get you to track down a copy by the way since um you pointed it out earlier that i i know what happens to sindell i maybe i should should drop this knowledge bomb right here i think i read this when we were when i was researching the first movie that said sindell eventually became in the expanded universe became a reporter on coruscott the city planet yeah yeah right yeah so I guess she's like she's like the April O'Neal

of Corsacan like that's what's going on and I'm yeah maybe in the future Wicked comes to live with her and he's like like the splinter or something and because he'd be old by that and then maybe there's some other type of gremlins they hang out with I don't know I would I imagine if Wicitt comes back it's kind of a drop dead friend situation

in which because he's just like She, I mean, she's blocking a lot of this movie out. I mean, like, if this character goes on. Of course, like, the days after, like, she's in a fever dream. Like, oh, yeah. She's not dealing with anything. She's just like, Wicked's now my dad and mother in love.

I don't know what anything is. Here's what I picture happening. Wilford Brimley takes her to Coruscant, drops her off out of an orphanage, then hits the bar, forgets about her, right? Oh, yeah. So she's now raised through that system and is like a war to the state. She gets older, lives on Korskant, and she's just like, you know, I'm just from Korskot. And she doesn't know what happened.

Oh, and or I've heard of it, you know. Exactly. This little teddy bear is like, my friend, look. What are you doing? No, but then when she sees Wicked, that's when everything clicks into place. It crystallizes. Super fast close up on her, like, eye or whatever. And it's just like, whew-h-h-ha-ha.

She just fucking remembers every. blood curdling detail and then in an instant and then brain aneurysm falls to the floor can we is there any way to get that into the expanded universe is that is there a write-in system for the expanding i i think we should i don't know but i think we we would make a we would write a great star wars together so there it is that's it's w hm reruns some of our classic apps man that fucking rabbit man that disgusting puppet. That disgusting movie. George Lucas, what do you think

George Lucas would say if you were like, like, if you had him all to yourself and you were like, all right, listen, there's no one else around. You don't want to know what I'm going to do to him. The fuck were you thinking with Battle for Endor? I would say, what the fuck were you thinking with all the prequels and

say, why don't we have more good movies like Battle for Endor? Why don't we have more EWalk movies? I mean, that's the thing is if you get fucking you get Lucas alone in a room you just have so many goddamn questions for him yeah and like

this is not what I'm going to necessarily going to prod him about oh I'd waste my time I could have used a light set I would ask if he ever actually met Wilford Bremley he probably didn't yeah guaranteed he wasn't on this set an awful lot probably right you know

he's probably all you know in his mansion yelling at shadows secret coming up with dumb shit like a secret

HBO special in my head is Wilford Brimley interviewing George Lucas and asking him about everything

in the Star Wars universe explain it to Wilford and it would go a little something like this all right

from what I remember there was a rabbit that rabbit was a hero of some kind well yes of course Wilford

he was a He's from the rabbit world, which is adjacent to the far. There's a forest moon of Andor, and then there's the rabbit moon of Andor. Sounds to me like you didn't think a lot of this through. Wilford, could you put the gun away? I am exercising my Second Amendment, right, God damn it. If I'm going to do this interview with this fat, flabby, sci-fite, nothing, I'm going to have my pistol out at all times.

Wilford, I said that you could bring the knife. Stephen, Stephen, why is he pointing that at us, Stephen? Because it's my God-given rat to, God-dammit. You push me around right now, but you're goddamn lucky Sabooba isn't here. You just haven't watched Lincoln enough. You know, God damn it, when you get all angry, you really start looking like a big juicy turkey. I think we'll end it there. You please do.

We certainly hope you've enjoyed watching or listening to all of these reruns. We've been airing for the dog days of summer. But we'll be back next week with an all-new brand spanking. Oh, man. It's so fresh. Let me tell you this. Clue for next week. Well, it's back to school, man.

Yep. And if I'm not mistaken, I think this one may in fact have Ernie Hudson. Oh, shit. Back to school with Ernie Hudson. So until next week, when we're. curing our sunburns and getting over the heat stroke. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin.

Eric Siska. See you next week.