We Hate Movies - S4: WHM Summer Rerun: Invisible Child

Episode Date: August 5, 2014

Original Air Date: 9/4/12 On the first WHM Summer Rerun, the gang looks back at the batshit classic, Invisible Child! Andrew explains how he'd handle someone thinking they had an invisible child, Steve rags on the secret society of English nannies and Eric guesses why Victor Garber would make a whole pizza in the middle of the night. His theory? To curb horny behavior! Fan Favorite Line: "I mean, you're in a hot tub, baby, you're either getting physical therapy or you're fucking!" Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Oh, hey, I didn't see you come in, oh, hey, I didn't see you come in. My name is Eric Siska, and this is We Hate Movies, special rerun edition. Reruns. Yeah, rerun. I'm with Andrew and Steve here. Yeah, just crack open an orange soda, get those Doritos just where you want them. Oh, yeah. This is time for some summer reruns.

Because we're on vacation right now. These are tropical vacations. Speaking of Doritos. My vacation goods. tropical when I start by a bag's a chilly lime derino's. Personally, I'm hoping my vacation right now, wherever I am,

is sort of a weekend at Bernie's-esque farce. Oh, yeah. That's what you want. Yeah. Your boss gave you a really innate task to do for three days to give you a better job. That's how the corporate world works. Then I desecrated his corpse.

Like a week long. Desecrate that corpse. Let's make a 2014. That's it. I'm going to call on this show just because you know you're listening to the rerun so you know you get our our goodwill anyway in 2015 we will do a weekend at bernie's film there it is yeah there you go breaking news because they're both classic apps in the making we can just do a double well you know basically what we're doing here is obviously we're gone and our voices have remained here to let you know that we're going to you know through the month of august we're

going to replay some episodes that we've personally enjoyed over the years. And I selected Invisible Childs from our Listener Request Month. Oh, way back when. I think it was the first ever listener request month. Oh, no, it's in the middle there somewhere. Is it? Yeah. Well, you know, whatever.

Because I felt like I remembered when an Invisible Child happened, it was like, wow, like, sometimes these requests really pay off. Well, that was because Hider and the House happened first in the first one. Oh, you're totally right. That was a good one, too. But Invisible Child. Experts, Steven Sadek says. But Invisible Child is like of that same urk, yeah, or ilk rather, of Hyder in the house where it was like,

this movie's what? For a second, I think you're going to say it's of the same Urkel. No, nothing's of the same Urkel. There can only be one Urkel. Man, I was talking about Urkel earlier today, man. Played a shrimp. That's weird. Yeah, that's fucking bizarre.

So basically, you know, this is an episode that I liked. each week throughout the month of August and early September once where you are going to say hey check out this old episode and you know we've had people say I wish we had older episodes on the feed so this is a way for you folks at home to get those older episodes on the feed and now that I'm thinking about it like so this is like

you know we're doing these now because we're sort of in between the seasons of we hate movies like this is you listen to Ninja Turtles too it was like the end of season four of We Hate Movies. I guess you can put it that way, maybe. Now I'm thinking, man, we just put these rerun bumpers on old episodes. We can take off all sorts of time. It can take off all year.

We got over 160 episodes, man. Nobody would notice. We could take off two and a half years if we wanted to. How about that? I don't want to do that, though. Just a quick programming note. This is going to sound a little jacked up. We had to excise the popular

music as that's one of the reasons you haven't heard this guy in a long time. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, it's okay. We'll just you know, you'll be joining the episode as early as we can cut in. And then we'll, you know, fade out at a certain point. Is that sound good

everyone? Yes. It's a room full of school children. You're not going to get that download back. You might as well listen. And now we join. We ate movies already in progress. I was, I'm a bit of a ringer on this episode because I caught the last 20 minutes of this, which is kind of the only part of the movie you need to see.

I mean, to get an idea of the movie, yes. To fully sulk in the bat shit sanity of it. No, you need more. I watched the last 20 minutes. I just was talking about it for months, and I never even, like, bothered looking it up or trying to find it. And then we got this request. I was like, oh, my God, that's that movie. And, you know, a quick little personal digression is I actually worked at Lifetime Television for two years, and I am a shame that I didn't know about this movie until now.

Really dropped a ball on this one. Yeah. I mean, this is, I will say this right now. We got a lot of good stuff coming up throughout the month. This, I think, for me, is the hider in the house of this round of all requests. Yeah, it's a really, it's a good one. So the flick is as follows. Rita Wilson and Victor Garber

Are a married couple Who have three kids A little girl, a little boy And a fucking invisible kid That only Rita Wilson thinks is real It's totally out of control The movie starts off And you're like

Oh I think I get what's going on there Oh no Oh Oh And the lengths that this family goes to To keep this fantasy alive Can we all agree Right at the top

That this is This whole thing, the whole ridiculousness of what we see, is all Victor Garber's fault? Yes, 100%. He's the villain of the movie. He's the most disgusting enabler I've ever seen. Absolutely. So the movie starts off. There's a girl looking through like a, it's like a college campus bulletin board.

It's like the start of the House of the Devil. I know. Right away, I was like, oh, man, kind of wish I had that on. But, you know, I didn't, you know, live to regret it. This actually turned out to be mildly entertaining. So, yeah, she picks a number off, and it's like, you know, nanny wanted, must have a good sense of humor, you know, family of three kids or whatever. Yeah, good sense of humor is right, by the way. That's cold right there.

Hope you love to laugh. Hope your vivid imagination is still right on schedule. That's like rock climbing on Craigslist, which we. like smoking crack is that a thing oh yeah really did you learn that from a ski buddy yes I did

or is it a snow bunny out of it yeah let's hit the slopes together aka do a lot of coke the slopes I've heard before but rock climbing that is fucking hilarious because if you think about it when is a crackhead ever going to rock climb that's pretty clever for them

but I also love the idea of whatever catch me now I'm just up on the mountain top But you're like, you're doing these hard drugs, but you're like patting yourself on the back. Oh, what rock climbing today? Look at my washboard abs. Oh, no, this crack's starting to wear off. Better belay to the bottom of the cliff.

Yeah, I guess when you pass out in your chair, that's setting up at base camp. I'll get to the summit tomorrow. You pass out in the bathtub. But yeah, I guess so good sense of humor, means everyone's fucking crazy. Because, I mean, Victor Garber and the oldest daughter who's played by Mae Whitman from adult to adult,

arrested development. She's a young, like, Scott Pilgrim, rest of the world. She's the end, Scott Pilgrim. She's the daughter, and she goes along with it, but she knows it's fake and understands that it's fucked up, but she loves her mother. And then the little boy is played by the creepy little boy

from the ring. he's creepy in this too don't worry but he's so young that he just thinks that it's real yeah like Victor Garber didn't take him aside and be like I guess because if

I guess he's so young that like he would blow it if Victor Garber was like okay it's not real yeah no he'd mess up the whole operation yeah he's like he's like a very precocious kid this is a kid

that's had precociousness grafted onto him do you know what I mean like the family made him precocious because they had to make him fucking believe this bullshit right it's like

if a kid said one time like oh my invisible sister everyone would be like oh that's cool yeah but he's forced to say that like 40 times a day so it's all just it's just it's a it's a big disgusting layered pile of precociousness all over this kid and this movie kind of unfolds like this so like this woman also uh the nanny is who takes who who looks up the ad is this british woman who's just as stupid as anyone i've ever met in my life oh she's the the dumbest character in this movie. And Rita Wilson believe she has an invisible child.

That's how dumb this nanny is. Like, Rita Wilson, you just feel bad for everyone else. You're just like, why is everyone fucking tolerating this? I mean, that's the one thing that works in this movie is that you do feel bad for Rita Wilson because she's so obviously insane. So she goes to the house and, you know, responding to this ad or whatever. And Victor Garber cuts right to the chase He's like oh nice to meet you

This is where your bedroom would be Now by the way my three kids And she's like What? There's just two Is there one out? And he's like no no no One's invisible Like straight face

And he's like I can't tell you How fucking serious I am about this If you fuck this up Deported I've got Powerful connections He's like

We've got May Whitman We've got little Timmy and Maggie and Maggie's invisible and she's your most important job responsibility. Your job is to humor my wife. The most difficult part of the job will be taking care of our

daughter. Oh no, Rebecca's delightful. Not Doc. Our other daughter. Oh, she must be out with your wife. Should I wait for them? She's not out. Asleep? She's not home. Our other daughter is Maggie. She's five years old and

she exists only in the mind of my wife they get the ball rolling right from the beginning invisible child this is what's going on she got a new nanny we're learning the world but like immediately this woman isn't like well what are you fucking serious why is this happening she never we don't find out why this is happening until an hour into the film right and if you're in a job interview

or whatever like you're perfectly within your right to be like I'm sorry what did you just say could you elaborate just the tiniest before i agree to move in with you like is your wife an actress like is this is she a performance artist what what's happening right now does she have some sort of PTSD did was she in a car accident is she criminally insane is she part of batman's rogues gallery did she spend a few years in arkham this woman could use some arkham she could use quite a bit of arkham but so she doesn't ask that and she just agrees right away we're going to get into this

i'm going to move in with this family and keep up this charade for four hundred dollars a week well the thing is like she is she can't even get a chance to get at the door before reader wilson shows up with this invisible child she's almost yeah she's almost roped into it yeah reader wilson's just like but you gotta take the chop you got nowhere else to go yeah she's like i saw your car out there you got a bunch of suitcases in it means you don't have a home you must you just drove here from England and they don't have anywhere to sleep. And the good thing is, Rita Wilson's

doing crazy voice this entire movie. Like, she's a good enough actress where if she just wanted to play something straight where, you know, this woman just believes she had an invisible child. And like, she's not really crazy. She could have just been like, oh, that's my kid. And she's like, that's my child. Oh, you're from England.

That's exciting. You ever meet a dragon? Like, she's totally playing this up to be not so crazy. So, yeah, she's not given. And, like, Victor Garber, too, is like, oh, honey, why don't we give her some time to go home and think about it? And she's like, well, hon, I already told you she doesn't have a home. This is also kind of realizing, though, because the beginning of the movie,

Victor Garber isn't even let in on the decision that she's going to hire this nanny. Right. She places an ad, and, like, Victor Garber is, like, thrown off by it. And he's like, I guess my wife did leave, so she must be off doing something dangerous and crazy. Like if this woman is so Like if you're going to humor this woman She's got to be housebound the entire time Or like never allowed on her own

Because she's like to get the white coats man I mean that's That to me is one of the This is a ridiculous way to put this But this is one of the Unbelievable parts of this movie Is that Only one time

One time is there ever anyone Outside the family that's like Wait what did you just say Who are you talking to right now? Like, that would happen way more often. Like, Rita Wilson's out running errands, driving all over the place. And she's always, like, holding a little hand that's not there. Like, you're in New York City.

You see someone talking to themselves. You're like, whatever fucking crazy New York. That's fine. But this is, like, suburban California. Like, someone's saying something at the grocery store. Yeah. Maggie, this is Gillian. Jillian, this is Mackey.

hello maggie it's nice to meet you so she takes this job and then a lot of this movie is this nanny just sort of adapting to the craziness and there's one great moment early on i think it's like the first day on the job where where um may whitman is like on the swing set and she's asked to like reader wilson asked her to like play with the kids on the swing set and of course one of the swings has nobody in it and so this nanny just has to start pushing the swing with no one in it and like Mae Whitman just turns around

and be like oh Maggie's in a room sleeping now what are you doing but she's what she's saying there is like she's preparing her for the crazy shit that Rita Wilson's going to throw at her you know later on down the road like what are you talking about of course Maggie's not there she's inside she's like this is what

you're going to fucking deal with Hope you're happy. Invisible boot camp. Invisible Hell Week? Like, just like, where is she? Where is she? I don't know. She's invisible.

Wrong. She's upstained sleeping. Wrong. It's a birthday. I'm actually surprised that doesn't happen more in this movie. Like, oh, you sat on her. I was expecting her to be sad on her. You crushed her little bones.

Her little invisible bones. And now the doctors don't know how to put her back together because she's invisible. Although I guess she's not invisible to real. By the way, the funny thing is, like, this movie, also like a lot of this movie's really well thought out in quotation marks and still like well what happens when this kid gets sick and what would happen is

Victor Garber would be like well I'll just take it to the doctor you stay home and I he would like go away for a couple hours and come back she's all better like which I mean Victor Garber aside from being like the biggest disgusting enabler in cinema history he's also the nicest dude

ever right because like you're crazy as shit wife is like, hey, take this non-existent person to the doctor. And you just go out and like, I don't know, you go to the park or whatever. Maybe he takes in a movie. A lesser man would be like, all right, I'm going to take her to the doctor again today. Go out toward a fair with the neighbor. But it gets worse than that because at one point, the invisible child, Maggie, comes down with a fever, according to Rita Wilson.

And she goes with him to the doctor. Oh, yeah. The jig is up at this point. they are in the waiting room and he has to feign an illness so the doctor can see him and then he just lies about it and the guys just like well maybe it's in your head what okay and then he Victor Garber goes to the point where he asks for a lollipop for his daughter in the waiting room just to prove to Richard Wilson that he that it was the child that was an examined because there's a lollipop for Maggie but this is how many holes are in Rita Wilson's

story, okay? Like, Victor Garber comes out of this, you know, doctor's room or whatever, and he's got this lollipop. Why isn't the lollipop floating all over the place? Exactly. You know what I mean? Why isn't it being eaten a little bit out of time? Or like, it's like memoirs of Invisible Man when like he's digesting hard food and you can see it happening? That never happens. But that that seems great because like it's so crazy because he's like, he goes up to the room and he's like, oh man, I have this really bad stomach ache. And the guy's like, well, you know, I don't see anything. And he's like, can I have a lollipop?

It's just this really awkward silence. Sir, you know you can get lollipops at like a drugstore or something. You don't need to come to the doctor to get this. If that happened, like somebody was clearly lying or just like, you know, maybe he's a hypochondriac. The second he asks for a lollipop, I'm like, sir, is this your bizarre sexual fetish? Because I've warned you about this. I want you out of my office. I think as a doctor, I'd probably shrug.

I'm like, well, you know, he's paying a $100 co-pay. I mean, at least he can get is a lollipop. One of the things that I love is there's an early on dinner scene. And they all sit down and they're taking their places. And Rear Wilson's talking to the nanny. And she's like, oh, you can sit over here next to Maggie. And there's a plate of food set up. And like the play setting, the whole thing.

For Elijah. and she's like Maggie would you like to say grace and like there's so many awkward stolen glances between every other family member in this movie and they're all looking around and they just sit there in silence until Rita Wilson goes

oh that was beautiful you know how long I would last and like you want to talk about when Steve's going to kill himself in a movie how long would Andrew last in a movie with an obviously crazy person who's being humored by everybody, six seconds. Six seconds dealing with a person like this.

And that's when you kill your family? No, that's when I feel I would take it upon myself to call her out. And I'd be like, oh, where's Maggie? And I'd start putting my fist right there. Oh, am I hurting Maggie? What am I doing right now? Oh, I'm picking Maggie up. I'm going to throw her in the pool.

You're just sitting down. Yeah, totally. Oh, this is weird. I could sit all the way down to the bottom of the cushion, Yet Maggie supposedly is there. Is she intangible as well? Don't worry, Rita Wilson. Maggie's telling me how delicious this pillow taste.

That is horrific. But, I mean, I have no tolerance for the games they're playing in this movie. It is absurd. Because it's absurd. It's dangerous. It's the worst way to raise two real children. Uh-huh. Yeah, those real children are complete afterthoughts.

Well, at one point, the nanny goes to a psychiatrist. And she's like, it's kind of funny because at first she's doing the whole, I'm asking for a friend. And the psychiatrist is like, listen, anytime someone comes into my office and says they're asking for a friend, it's definitely just them. So what is this problem? And she relays this whole thing. And the guy's like, okay, kind of sounds like the older girl is being forced to grow up way faster than she needs to be. And the younger kid, well, he's just going to become a complete psychotic broken from. reality because he's young enough

where he's believing that this is real and she's like well that that's not the case these kids are nice like the whole thing is like everybody's fine no matter what because you know what it's like this United States of Tara bullshit which drove me up the wall

which is like somebody obviously with a mental impairment right and she's got a problem she needs to be on pills she needs to be a she needs to go to a psychiatrist whatever but it's like this thing of like no no that's how our family works okay like you can look at your family with your perfect 2.3 children and your mom and dad and mom stays home but this family works where my mom's a man half the week she's got like god knows what then sometimes she's this psychotic homemaker and then sometimes she's a 16 year old slut it's awesome like that's just our family don't put your conservative values on our family

look if we're going to get our christmas card photo taken and my mom is dressed up like a trucker name Biff, that's not your problem, baby, that's family love. And that's what they do in this movie. They justify everything by well, at least we love each other. Hey, all you need is love, right? The Beatles said it. Why can't we?

No, you're so endangering your entire family right now. Well, you know, let's switch it a little bit. Mom doesn't see an invisible child, but mom likes to get fucking sauced every day. Is that just how your family works? Is your family

Our family works when mom goes to bed at 3 p.m. and sleeps it off. She'll throw plates and hit us. But, you know, that's just how our family works. But, I mean, that's where they kind of justify everything because no one's getting hit. No one's getting molested. No one's getting slapped around. No one's getting locked in a basement. Whatever else you can do to kids.

Fill in your own atrocity. I mean, they say, like, look, we're not doing any of that. So, fuck it. But it's not yet, your little boy is going to grow up. Eric, I believe you said he's going to grow up to be Kevin Bacon and Hollow Man. Yeah, I just imagine that this kid is going to have like this deep memory of like this desire to be invisible. And he's going to do the research to actually become the invisible child. My whole life I've wanted to be like my sister Maggie.

And now I can and I'm going to rape everybody. Yeah, then he's just going to be pushing ladies into pools. That whole Hollow Man is just raping people and throwing people. in pools and a dead gorilla. You know what? You wouldn't know. You guys wouldn't know what you'd do if you were invisible. But that's what that movie asks you to accept by the way. Like, listen, you don't know

what it's like to be invisible. You've never been put in front of a situation like that. But it takes that whole thing. It's just about your penis. Like, that's the whole thing. It's like, man, you would just you'd rape everybody. Like, it's kind of like Paul Verhoeven being like, like, kind of like talking too long and everyone starts staring

at him. Like, what? If you're invisible, you're going to rape everybody right and then everyone's like what what are you talking about paul like no you would like rob a bank right and everything yeah and then you'd like go to a woman's house and rape her because she wouldn't be able to stop because she wouldn't see paul everyone's leaving everyone's leaving the party paul i mean like everybody leaves paul verhoeven's parties pretty early they're probably pretty dark pretty early and most definitely looking for something else to do once he gets into his whole robocopish jesus metaphor it's like all right paul we're okay there's another great scene where uh the nanny agree what's your name

jillian is the nanny yes uh agrees to give maggie a bath and you just see this poor woman's just splashing around in this bathtub like oh did you get soap in your eye oh good like that's actually a great part she's like oh good because i meant to get soap in your eye she has to talk to this but also part of it is like rita wilson also spies on her doing constantly spying on her but she's looking like you know oh good she's talking to this kid which i want i feel in some regard do you think somewhere deep down the entire time in this movie reader wilson knows that this is fucked up well that's kind of the thing you never know is how deep she thinks of like either she's like completely crazy or the most evil

jerk that ever live because if this is just for attention man you're a piece of garbage Yes. I mean, if you're crazy, it's your family that's also a piece of garbage, you know. I prefer to see that she's totally crazy. Like, there's no reason not to think that because she's, there's like all sorts of things about, like, she wants the food to disappear and, like, the little girl, like, has to, like, say, hey, mom, what's that? And then take food from the other plate and put it on hers. The little girl, the real little girl, literally has to have like this eating disorder where she has to eat like two dinners a night in order for her crazy crackpot mom to like be able to sleep at night knowing that her invisible child's got a bunch of food in her belly. That just works for us, Eric.

You don't understand us and our family, okay? The extent that this little girl goes to though to like really legitimize this for the mother, in the morning she's got a whole routine of like she goes. into the room and she's like rise and shine maggie and she's like taking down the bed and ruffling up the pillow and throwing like toys on the floor it's like she's creating a reverse crime scene like if you murder someone you're like hide the body and then you're fixing up the room and make the bed make it look like no one's in there get used to it kid that's all i could say you're pretending that you murdered someone then you're just like messing up showing showing signs of a struggle just to make it look like something happened in this room and she's like what i

never could figure out was how legit crazy the little girl was turning because she also the father too they talk to this non-entity yeah you know and I don't know if it's that's a thing like it's for them you know to sort of like make it easier than being like fucking mom's so crazy maybe it's just got into habit like they do it in front of Rita

Wilson all the time yeah when she's not there it's just like all right Maggie I think she's crazy because it's a thing where like... Who, the daughter? Yeah, the daughter has to be because, like, it's a thing where you're doing this for so long, you're so young, like, and all she's doing is

lying all the time. Every day of her life, she's just lie, lie, lie, lie. She turns into Michael Keaton and the Dream Team. Like, you know what I mean? Like, he seems okay. He seems like the most solid one of them all. You love bringing up that movie. I love the Dream Team. But, like, he's he's the most solid one of the mall, but he's a

complete sociopath because all he does is lie the whole fucking time. You have no idea who this little girl really is yeah you know that's true I mean she even goes by a fake name her name's like Amanda or something and she's like they call me doc mm-hmm that's fucked up

Rebecca oh Rebecca and yeah yeah she goes by Doc just to be creepier like the fucking shining they start going to the park is what like I mean this movie kind of it's really just like letting it's unlike any other

lifetime movie where here's the problem okay and it's all most lifetime movies are kind of take the form of like after school specials right like someone's drinking too much that's gonna be bad and then we learn a lesson and they either die at the end or they don't and that's how we learn our lesson and this movie not so much no there's no real i mean that's what's ridiculous right is like when i think of lifetime movies i think of these movies where there is some sort of social issue that they're tackling you know whether it's like you know uh dead be dad addicted to internet pornography. Yeah, she's too young. Yeah, high school orgies where everybody gets comidia. She woke up

pregnant. Mother, may I sleep with danger with Tori spelling where she gets abused by Fred Savage until she dies? No, you may not sleep with danger young lady, not in this house. All of these things, right? But was there really a fake child epidemic going around that someone

was like, better get this to lifetime? Do you think this is like ripped? Yeah, maybe it's ripped from the headlines. Maybe some, some crazy lady out there. It would almost have to be, right? Because who I mean, look, I feel like one of those like idiots that walks by a movie movie, who would come up with this stuff?

But like literally, who could come up with this stuff? So they're going to the park. One of my favorite scenes in the park, this is phenomenal, is Rita Wilson's like, I'm going to show the nanny where the bathroom is in the park

because little Maggie has to go to the bathroom. and this is the instance where someone in public calls them on the insanity because they walk in and they're talking and this is a weird like Rita Wilson's like I just don't understand how people can live alone like she's asking the the woman why she moved from England and wasn't that so tough because you were by yourself and she's like I just feel bad for those people well she's I mean again she's doing super crazy voice and she's got dead eyes and she's looking like she's she has no idea what social cues are like yes you would ask one question and then leave it the fuck alone oh oh things aren't good at home i'm leaving it alone not only are you totally crazy you have zero social graces it makes for a really poor person to be around so it's like oh you know there's a line at the bathroom it's two women it's it's them two and then behind them is this other woman and like it's their turn to go to the bathroom and reader wilson's like okay maggie there you go and like closes the door and then this woman's like what the fuck did you just do

If you're not going to use it Oh, oh your child's in there Rita Wilson's like My daughter's in there And she gives her the biggest Like you've got to be fucking kidding me look Well she actually says which I love it's like What are you crazy?

Like it's just like finally And it's so awesome though when that happens And this happens a few times too Like the little boy says like I love my sister Maggie She's invisible And Rita Wilson's like Hmm

Like she passes off anytime someone even like mildly calls her on something so this woman's like what are you crazy and she's like and then the other stall oh i don't want pancakes the other stall opens up and this woman this woman is the hero of the movie before going into the stall and closing the door she goes you got another kick oh burn lady dude she delivers that like jackie gleason it's a real snappy one line oh my god Ralph Cramden comes to this town and it's just not having the invisible child? If Ralph Cramden knocked on the door

was like, I'm here for the nanny job, this woman would have been straightened out too sweet. That invisible child would have dissented. He was just like Pat Victor Garber under the shoulder. Well, sorry, pal, yes, your wife's lootedudes and walk right out. But then the twist is, oh, my God. Ed Norton was invisible the whole time.

No wonder he kept coming true of a window. No wonder he worked at the sewers where no one could see him. Oh, man, now I want to watch the honeymooners. There's a uncomfortable moment that I wanted to talk about really quickly. Along the lines of how May Whitman's character is being forced to grow up too fast and everything, there's this one, like, I don't remember the scene that precedes it, but it's like something happens and it's cut to. she's dressed up in like adult gown with like makeup on and she's like dancing in front of

this mirror and whatever and there's all this makeup on and Rita Wilson's just like oh you're so beautiful it's like okay invisible child crazy mom voice creepy son who may be in the ring someday and now your daughter's just playing eerie dress up like I understand that there's dress up yeah there is a different dress up but then there's eat eerie dress out. And what's great is, like, she's, like, putting this makeup on, and she's looking in the mirror, like, mm, mm, and I'm like, you're 10 years old. Yeah, it's toddlers and tiara.

Yeah, totally. It's like, what's that fucking disgusting piece of shit family? The baby moo-moo. What is that show? Boo-boo. Here comes Honey Boo-boo, these disgusting fucking toddlers and tiara mothers. And this country gives these people a fucking television show. The most chilled I've ever been.

an elevator and this the six-year-old daughter's talking to her there she was jean benet man mystery so Steve do you want to tell us something well yeah she wasn't invisible buddy I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to ruin my upcoming autobiography rubbing elbows with the Ramses god damn it why are we disgracing dead people every week now I'm so sorry it's all coming from you pal no that's so I'm in an elevator and this This woman's talking to her daughter. It's always like 40, her daughter's like seven. And it's like, I like your outfit.

It's a real nice outfit. She's like, thanks, mom. She's like, you look real sexy today. Aren't you real sexy today? I'm like, don't use that fucking word with a little girl. It's so gross, man. And that's all this honey boo-boo bullshit is. It's like this fucking pig mother just trotting this little disgusting shit around

and all these pageants. And this kid, because of this other TV show, is this fucking drop-dead diva. But she's like eight years. years old. It's the most disgusting thing America has ever brought to television. Oh, my God. You know, actually, I was, when I was on vacation, I had cable for a change. And I saw so many goddamn commercials for this show. Yeah. So I just want to let you know, one of the child's catchphrases, you better redneck an eyes. Tell me, anyone is going to sit there and say that she made that up. up on her own, by the way.

Oh, no, no, no, a producer, a 40-year-old producer was yelling at her to have her say that. You want to eat tonight, honey-boo-boo-boo? Say the line. Here's what I want. I want reality show team up, okay? And I want Honey-Boo-Boo-Fucking pig-face family to go on a trip with the ice road truckers in where the ice road trucker goes down a dangerous route and has to bail out of the truck. but in the craziness of the moment forgets to let the rest of that fucking family know

that he's going to jump out of this truck on an icy road. But it's okay because they're in Sarah Palin's Alaska. No one dies in Sarah Palin's Alaska. The episodes were released under the title Jackknife. But this child in front of this mirror is just like,

look at me! Someone look at me! Stop looking at nothing and showering it with praise. I'm wearing crazy dresses and crying for your attention and the kid also says you used to dress up like this like like mom remember when you had a life yes totally crazy no non-baby and like Rita Wilson passes it off as like don't make fun of my old clothes but it's like no she's really saying like you and dad used to go out to dinner before you held hands with air well that's the best part is like at one point uh this this nanny like falls in love with this family which you never would

like there's two there's only two ways i could buy this nanny character one she's a real lazy piece of shit like woman and it's just like you're paying me for three kids i'm only got to watch two awesome i'm on board like uh the andrewin method yeah absolutely or undercover social worker like there's been a lot of shit going around what's going on at old garber's place and she's just like hello i'm from the agency and it's just you know what though and as much as i love the concept of undercover social worker and I want us to start collaborating on the screenplay immediately with this particular situation like there's some abuse situations where like you meet the father and you're like is he punching this kid in the face yeah or you know is he going

into the bedroom at night all those things but with this situation it's so clearly apparent what's going on there would be no undercover social worker movie it would be like a commercials length well obviously you are unfit parents good By credits. Yeah, she wouldn't have to use a whole tape for a wire. Undercover Social Worker, by the way, that's a reality show. Do that. Like, fucking do something good, America.

Do good, exactly, with your reality television. Find an awful fuck family and put an undercover social worker that's just going to be, oh, you want a prize. Don't put your conservative values on my family. It works for us, all right? Every once in a while, I go to the bedroom with her. Why is it, by the way, I'm just, I can't stop thinking about this honey-booboo bullshit, but why is it when you watch these pageant shows or whatever, the guy that is always the head judge? And it's always a guy, by the way, is always the biggest kid-toucher-looking motherfucker. How come you can't get like Bert Reynolds to judge one of these things?

Like some dude who's like, well, he's obviously not touching children. Yeah, it's not right yet. Because, yeah, Burt Reynolds would be like, you know what, there's, stop sexualizing these children. This is disgusting. Nothing to see here. Yeah, big old, nothing to see here. Sorry, kid, I only judge a swimsuit competitions. You're all horrible parents.

What kind of car you drive? So around, I guess around this point, we're going to jump in around here a little bit. It's a vignette movie because it's all. the same scene of craziness. Yeah, it's cycle babble. So Jillian at night, you know, she's been tending to this, this wretched family. They have a jacuzzi. She likes to unwind a little bit. So she goes to the jacuzzi at night. It turns out that Victor Garber's there, just chilling out. Looking into the darkness. You want to talk about staring through time, by the way. He's thinking about all sorts of Christmases before Maggie. It's all B.M.

before Maggie my life before it fucking sucked horribly. Yeah, he's there contemplating suicide and then she shows up they sit in the hot tub together and like he was unaware that she was using it but it's cool, it's cool, you know? Oh yeah, chill out.

And then he decides like, let me tell you how all this stuff happened. Like I owe it to you to tell you that. Right. Since you never bothered to ask within 10 minutes of meeting me. Since you, I honestly, I was waiting for you to bring it up because it seemed like

that's what would happen. I mean, I know how it started, but, you know, if you, if you cared, I just assumed you would ask. So. I want to pour you with the detail. But, but he knows well enough that the jacuzzi is not the place to talk about this conversation. So he's like, are you hungry? Sure, yeah. So cut to them in the kitchen and Victor Garber is making a pizza.

And I'm not talking about taking out of the box. I'm talking about making it He's got prep He's got like a prep table With all the different Like here's a jar Like a can of mozzarella Here's like tomatoes

And sauce and a ladle It's a whole project It's my favorite cut from any movie We're in a jacuzzi Hey you're hungry Now I'm making you a whole pizza He's got like fists in the dough It's like 11 o'clock at night

It's an honest to goodness Like Mamma Mia pizza Yeah it's late at night I mean come on Open a bag of chips Get some sauce You want to make a sandwich, that's fine. Sandwich.

Low impact. Total tops reheat a hot dog. The only thing missing from this scene is Victor Garber throwing dough in the air. Then that would do. I think you brought up, Andrew. It's very, like, Victor Garber is clearly an actor's actor. Yes, very much. I should say, I mean, I don't know about you guys.

I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I'm a fan of Victor Garber. When I see him and stuff, I'm like, okay, this guy's a great actor. It's, you know, he does a lot of theater. his good work and TV and yeah it's like when I see him and stuff I'm like okay no matter what the size of the role this guy's gonna kick ass absolutely he's usually pretty believable too he's always like that character you know they're like older white dude and you're like nailed it perfect that's exactly what an older white guy looks like one of my favorite Victor Garber performances was as sinestro in the animated movie green lantern first flight so he is an excellent sinestro so moving on I was gonna say I don't think I saw that one I tried to watch a lot of those animated movies I didn't see that It's so much better than that fucking Ryan Reynolds movie. You got Chris Maloney as Hal Jordan?

Oh, sold. Sold. Is he investigating sex crimes across the universe? But it's weird because it's kind of like a Green Lantern training day because Cinesca's a good guy in the beginning and he's like using methods and like... So it's more of a wet, hot American summer? Yeah, exactly. Hey, Hal Jordan, you ever get wet before?

No, Victor Garber was very good at that. Sorry, derailed that whole thing. But you don't, midnight snack is just that a snack. You can't, once you turn on the oven, it's too, you've gone too far. What am I going to do, awake the fucking invisible kids? Yeah, I guess so. But, I mean, seriously, this is like, you cut this thing right, you're getting six or seven slices out of it, all right? Like, maybe you're going to have to have one of those slices kind of a thing, like cut it down the middle.

You shouldn't be wrapping up, if you have to take out foil. After a snack, because you couldn't finish it. Not a snack. It's a meal. That's what meals are. Backtracking for just a second. This hot tub sequence, missed opportunity for sexual intercourse? Absolutely. You need sexual intercourse in this movie.

He has been dealing with this for five years. Finally, he's got a shoulder to cry on, and she's pretty easy on the eye. We're both in a hot tub. We're halfway there. That's kind of what, like, because, you know, you're watching the Lifetime movie. me and you know you got your little checklist out you know it's like yes who's drinking too much who's gonna sleep with who like infidelity

what's going on secret lesbians any of it where's the man hitting the woman yeah exactly what and like she gets in that hot tub and I'm like oh this makes sense and it would kind of make sense because she's like she really sympathizes with him and she's like oh your wife is so fucking terrible you know what I mean

we're like two lost souls like ships in the night we're just passing in the warm water of this hot tub let's fuck maybe he was tempted and he was just like, oh, I got to eat a whole pizza so I don't, so I don't fucker, so I don't fucker. I got to fall asleep real quick. That's Victor Garber's version of a cold shower making a pizza. Oh no, getting horny.

Better make a pizza. But like, just like he's sitting in the tub, he's sitting in the hot tub and she sits down and she's like, oh, it's a nice night. Really nice night. Where's Annie? She's playing paddy cake with nothing. And like, and just like she hugs him, and then it happens. It just happens. I mean, you're in a hot tub, baby.

You're either getting physical therapy or you're fucking. Totally two reasons to be in a hot tub. That's it. But so this scene, so basically, all right, so here it is. Finally, we know what's going on. And it's just like, when's the miscarriage? When do we find out that this is a miscarriage? And it's like a postpartum thing.

And like, and like, that's, it's not excusable, but it's understandable. Like, that's a traumatic event. Like, that's one of those. shocking things that really like wow miscarriage stillborn cids you know toddler age car accident like you lost a kid like that's the first time i watched this full disclosure fell asleep fell asleep for like a good 20 minutes missed some of the crazy shit that we're going to get to in a minute but i also missed what i assumed was going to be an explanation and for the past week or so i've been walking around like well yeah and you know when she had that abortion or you know that had

that miscarriage or whatever nothing he's like well i woke up one day and she was just doing it what do you mean she was just doing it well because he's like oh you know we had this great life man he's just like this is the worst she had this great life i was you know i was a hot shit architect she was my wife we would fly around the world want to go to paris we're in paris want to go to stockholm fucking stockholm but then all of a sudden we had our kid and everything kind of changed and then my wife got bored with the one child we had and decided to to make up a fake one. You want to talk about, like, be epitome of white people problems, fucking upper crust America. Like, when there aren't any problems with your life,

when you're not allowed to jet set to Switzerland, better make up a kid just so you have some sort of conflict in your life. Also, by the way, when he's going, oh, yeah, I was such a hot shit architect. I was the rolling stones of making drawings of buildings. You know, he's like oh we went here we went there baby all this shit he's speaking to this glorified cleaning woman who's come from nothing and she's like oh wow yeah i know exactly what that's like no i don't i never went anywhere i spent 30 years in england and then i came here i've no idea how to relate to you about this hey speak up you're not invisible do you think the invisible child only speaks in whispers? I would have to, right?

Well, that's a ghost then, though. Oh, yeah, maybe it's just a go. Whoa, guys, maybe Rita Wilson is just really in tuned with the other side and she's seeing a baby ghost and no one else can see it, but it's there. Oh, shit, dude, baby ghost,

that's terrifying. I guess it would be a toddler ghost. It's a little weird Victorian England dress kind of a thing. Yeah, no, no, thanks. It's like the changeling with George C. Scott. Excellent movie, by the way. But that features a Victorian-era murdered child.

So basically, she came down. He's drinking his... He's got this great line. He's like, I was drinking coffee, like I always do. Oh, you're a human being? Great. Oh, yeah, we were jet-setting to Paris. I had coffee every morning.

And then the kids happen. I've never had coffee again. He's just like... It turned into tea time. No offense. But he's like, I'm having... I'm having my coffee, normal as day. And then all of a sudden she comes down and she's like,

she starts boiling baby bottles and I'm like, what? And I thought it was a joke. And then she asked my daughter when she came down if the crying kept her up. And I knew right then she's crazy, but I got to deal with it. And he talks about how like he took her to a psychiatrist. And when she read like she read the sign on the door was like, don't take me in there. You know what?

If you take someone to the psychiatrist's office and they read that they're at a psych, if you're like, if you're like, all right, honey, you know, we're going to the arts and craft store and she reads psychiatrists. This isn't the arts and craft store. Veterinarian. Yeah. And, you know, she's like, I don't want, please don't take me in here. Take them in there. That's the telltale sign of crazy. You're missing one crucial part of that line.

She doesn't say, don't take me in there. She's like, don't take me in there. They're going to take my baby away. Even more of a reason, Victor Garber. Take that baby away because it ain't real. And his whole thing is such bullshit. He's like, I couldn't bring myself to put her in the institution because I love her too much. If you love somebody, you want to see them get the help they deserve.

Craziness ain't a house cold. It's not going to go away with juice and bed rest. She's fucking bonkers. I mean, you think about that, I don't, I'm not a psychiatrist. first off everyone so I this is just this is on yeah this is just off the cuff blew my mind but maybe she can have medication that she could just take every every so often and then maybe this won't happen just maybe talks like it's not a thing where like because that's what this movie wants you to think it's like oh because she's fucking crazy right she shouldn't even have kids like no if

if this is a movie about a woman that had depression and she had good days and bad days and She did her best and blah-b-de-blah, blah, blah, never did anything. Fine, keep your kids. This woman doesn't deserve to be around children. She's fucking crazy. She's fucking crazy. But also to the point, though, she's not a bad mother. I mean, all to, like, invisible child aside, she's not hitting them.

She's not sneaking into the room at night. She's not feeding them beer to go to bed early. Like, whatever else you can do to kids. I mean, she's not doing any of those things. She just thinks there's a third kid. kid who's not there which yes is terrible but she still cares for the other kids and all that stuff so seriously like just you know how about a little diazepan or you know whatever just get her on something balance those levels absolutely and then everything can go back to normal victor garber's

acting like he was convinced that she's instantly going to be lobotomized or something like that it's not the fucking 1830s like they would legitimately evaluate her and then weigh options they were to put leeches on her and then they were going to do shock therapy and then they were going to put her under water and if she her body floated to the top it meant she wasn't a witch and if it didn't they were going to burn her uh this is a little something from the i mdb message boards which is where i get all my news somebody has a question and i'll read the question after i read the the subpost of it because it spoils it okay just wondering By the way, Victor Garber's character's name is Tim.

Tim. Just wondering, Tim put up with his wife Anne's mental problem. If I was him, I would have checked her into a mental institution or kill her. Question, why don't Tim Beeman kill his wife? Was this posted in Saudi Arabia? I guess it's a legitimate question. Why murder? What a divorce.

Well, obviously, John Wayne Gacy, 647, when he wrote the question, you know, he was like, well, listen, I'd fucking kill her. Why don't he kill her? You know, here's why. Why don't Tim kill his wife? Because that opens a whole other can of worms. You got to explain to the two real kids what happened. Yeah. Family and friends.

How about this? Tim's not the crazy one. That's why Tim not kill his wife. Tim no kill wife Kill wife bad Tim I don't see any of Maggie's drawings well maybe they got lost Mom look

Maggie's drawing So we can talk about parent teacher night Which is always difficult when you've got an invisible child Right everybody? I'm sure it's bad enough with real kids Because this... That was always torture. I hated go with my parents to parent teacher now.

That fucking sucked. Because, like, basically what's going on is it's the youngest boy's first year of school. And, like, we've seen him get dropped off. And, like, she goes to pick them both up. She picks up the kid. And then she's like, oh, here comes Maggie. And she's, like, tickling air for no reason. Again, it's a schoolyard letting out.

Why was no one there to be like, what the fuck she doing? There's never any of that. Aside from that beautiful woman in that bathroom. But they're all, it's like art. Like, it's like, they're walking around. We're looking at all these little six-year-old kids' drawings. It isn't it cute and isn't it lovely? And then she's like, wait a minute.

Where's Maggie's drawing? Side track, they're in the little boy's classroom. And the fake kid is older than the little boy. Yeah. So she's like, she's like, hey little boy, stay right there. We're going to be back in one second to see your puppet show. And they go into a classroom that neither of their real children is assigned. And then that's when she's like, where's Maggie's drawing?

Yeah. And this real daughter pulls out a pre-made painting from a book bag. And she's like, hey, mom, here's Maggie's drawing. It's signed Maggie and everything. The web of lies that this kid is working on is nuts. How do you anticipate that, though? That's a bit too convenient for my taste. She's a diabolical genius.

You know, when she went to the bathroom, she stayed out a little later with that hall pass peaked in. What's what's first grade up to? And, oh, okay. Oh, parent teacher conference is about a week. I bet that arts and crafts going to show up there, huh? All right. I got a little extra time at lunch. She dresses up like a janitor.

It's like baby cake. She just pays a janitor. It's like eight years old, like sweeping. What's up to? What's that Mrs. Beeman's class up to? Interesting. It gets even worse, though, because then Rita Wilson tries to talk to the teacher of this classroom. And she's like, hi, I'm in Beeman, blah, blah, blah. I just want to say, I love what you're doing with these kids, your enthusiasm, blah, blah, blah.

And the guy's just like, oh, thank you, thank you. Who the fuck is your kid? And then the daughter is like, uh, uh, and you see like, very. Victor Garber's looking at the kid, looking at the nanny. Nanny's looking at Victor Garber, and the kid's like, uh, uh, Victor Garber's slowly pulling a pistol out of his pocket. Here's where it ends. Yeah, it's going to end today.

And she just goes, I'm going to throw up. Like, this kid has everything figured out. It's fucking scary. She's got the fucking town wired, man. It's scarier than someone who thinks they have an invisible child. Absolutely. But the funny thing is, all right, if I'm Victor Garber, right? And I'm the world's biggest doormat.

My wife has... I mean, it's not even dormant. It's just beyond codependent. And just whatever, like, oh, my wife has this problem. I'm going to just ignore it and it'll probably go away. Once it's time to send me little Maggie off to school, I'd be like, you know, I've been reading a lot of interesting literature about homeschooling. Like, I'm not... There's too many ways this can go wrong.

No, it's absolutely true. And I think that's why we come into their lives, right? at the point that we do because this is obviously when it's going to unravel when you are like forcing your fake kid to go out into the world more you know obviously this is where the cracks are going to come down one

really really serial killer line that Rita Wilson has in this movie it's fucking terrifying and it's a real blink if you miss it scene too it's after the whole school shenanigans and they're laying in bed and Victor Garber's just staring up

at the ceiling like you know I've read multiple reports on what happens when you put a bullet in your mouth but all of them say pretty much that death is instantaneous unless you really fuck it up so as long as I don't fuck it up he's silently weighing suicide and she's like laying with her head on his chest

singing a song like a crazy person and he's like and you know like shut up kind of a thing and she goes uh she just shushes him and she goes quiet i'm singing to your heart i'm singing to your heart crazy train pulling out of the station you can't feel bad for victor garber in this because he's the architect of his own doom he's the architect of his family's demise he's working

on a mausoleum now like i honestly think you could raise better kids if you'll You ever hear about the stories with like the psychological experiments where you keep a kid in darkness for five years? Yes. That might be better than making them pretend they have a fake brother and or sister. You know who's better parents than these two? The parents from dog tooth. If you haven't seen dog tooth, go see it and then come back and go, well, Andrew was pretty right. No, that's a movie about these parents who they don't let their children out of their house or out of the property of their house.

and there's big, you know, wall around their house type thing. And they tell them that on the other side of the wall, there's fucking monsters. And they have, like, weird words for things. Like, there's a cat that goes by. And they're like, that's a monster. Look at that monster. And these kids are, like, 30. And they have, it's fucked.

This movie, it's an excellent movie. It's called Dog Tooth. It's a Greek film. Definitely check it out. But they are better parents than these two fucking kids. It's like the village, the Greek village. Yeah, they did rip off M. Night Shyamalan's classic The Village. She, someone made it work.

Man, I would actually love that. If people, like, you know, like, everyone's crazy about remakes these days. What if just people took movies that could have, could have worked, should have worked? Exactly. Just take it away from Mn Night Shyamalan and be like, you know, I want to fix these things. Here's the thing about the Village. That's a good movie until that twist ending. Yeah.

Like, that's a solid thriller. Like, there's monsters in the woods. We have to stay, you know, in front of the tree line or whatever. Like, all the tension, everything like that works. It's a smart idea. I see M. Night Shyamlan in a park ranger uniform. Fuck you. Holy shit.

Fuck you. Didn't that movie also have, like, didn't they do like a psycho thing in there where they switched protagonists or something? Am I confusing this? I don't remember. I only saw it that one time. I saw it the one time and I wasn't. I mean, I remember the whole thing is like, you know, Sigourney Weaver. and I think William Hurts in that movie.

Yeah, he's like the lead. It was like, you know, there were a bunch of hippies that did this like social experiment in the 70s or whatever. I mean, all that stuff. Colonial Williamsburg run amuck. Yeah.

No, I, all that stuff is totally awesome to a degree. I mean, you know, to a degree. I don't need it to be in present day. No. I just need parents to be lying to their offspring about not leaving this village kind of a thing.

So, Invisible child. Invisible child. So she goes to psychiatry. This, again, this woman is, this woman, I'm sorry, Jillian, the nanny, is dirt stupid. Because she's from England, which is fine. That's got nothing to do with her being dirt stupid. She's just like, well, what do you do when Americans are acting this way?

You turn them into social services. So she goes to psychiatrists, like, you should probably go to social services. Like, what's that? And he's like, well, when people don't know how to take care of their kids, that's where you fucking go. But you don't have, there's no equivalent in England. I bet there is. I'm sure there's, there's got to be something. Even in this country, we don't just call it social services.

There's all sorts of different names for child protective services. When people come and take your kids away. In England, there's called gypsies. Vienna. Yeah. I want to touch on a thing here because that's around when, you know, Jillian's out there talking to the outside world, and she runs into a league of nannies. And there's another British nanny there?

Yes. And she's talking about what's so great about America? American men have got it over the Brits on two counts. Great teeth and great bums. Jillian's got a fine British accent. This woman is Terry Jones is a British woman. You know, she's like, you know what I love about American men is they have better. teeth and pet of bums.

And she's like, oh, bums! Oh, I love bums. And this chick's just like, uh-huh. It's also weird, too, she's like, like, this woman's given her the lay of the land, right? And she's like, you see that one over there? Well, she's a Georgia peach, ain't she? She's a rotten core Georgia peach. Like, there's like some chicks.

She's like dressed like a little slutty or whatever. And then, you know, she's like, you see that woman over there? Well, she's from Romania. And her family's so rich. they bought her a house and sometimes she has crazy nanny party and i'm just picturing like these ridiculous like nanny fucking blow and orgy parties i don't get really and that's like a movie that i'd almost watch but nope that that character is instantly gone nanny party i would watch the only thing that that woman says it sounds like a

netflix streaming movie jillian has this secret shame of like i have an invisible child that i'm taking care of so she's like what do you do if you know maybe there's a problem at home and she's like, well, I'll go to a head shrinker. I would they have him here in America. It's amazing. They take your head and make it smaller. It's not a witch doctor. I know.

I mean, it's, this woman acts like psychiatry is like a America only thing. Yeah. Pretty sure it started in Europe. Yeah. And I understand also like, you know, yes, we in America are entirely over, you know, overmedicated. we are overgoing to the doctor kated you know i mean in the 90s that really is really the pharmaceutical industry oh of course that's all the prozac jokes all that shit like i get that but you are aware of the existence of the field of psychiatry it's 1991 if you haven't

been to a shrink you've seen a few episodes of fraser maybe she's like from the english equivalent of dog tooth the village it would be really poor luck if that if that poor girl grew up in a dog tooth house and then her first outing was to this house with crazy invisible children. Her life's nothing but horrors. So she goes, she finally goes to social

services and like she's falling in love with the family because they're so wonderful question mark and she's just like well you know here's the deal. I work with this family they kind of have this invisible child it's a little goofy I'm not crazy about and this woman's like oh that's the worst

thing I've ever heard. It's like well you're twisting my words what do you mean well obviously these kids are going to grow up terrible no they're loved by their parents they're loved it's like seriously you know we fall back on this the old what the fuck did you think was going to happen i mean seriously like you're going and telling someone this someone who works for an office you've been instructed to go to if you think the children you're watching are in some sort of danger yeah so when this woman turns around and she's like well i'm going to do something about this she's like well no i don't want you to do something about this she's Like, well, no, I don't want you to do anything about this.

What the fuck did you go to her for, then? Enter the evil bitch social services lady. Oh, man. She's going to meddle with this family because she doesn't understand the values. Her Christian values are going to fucking impede on my life. Mm-hmm. Just because you're single and childless and barren and you don't get it. You don't get the love that this family has for one another.

You just go spouting your mouth off with your education and your job. Yeah, that's right. she's like and I also have the power to have you arrested continue but the funny thing is so that happens then the reveal about how all this goes on because that's important like she doesn't know why it started

until afterwards right but finally one day social services comes to call him and Victor Garber is fucking terrified oh well you know as you should be because your house of cards is coming down around you Garber and they're like well we have to come to me why why would you want to come to my house

I don't understand why why would you want to do that Rule number one of when the police come to your house, if they ask to be let in, you let them in. Because when you don't let him in, that's the A number one, there's a problem. Yeah, he's like, that's ridiculous. Why are you, you don't have a right to come into, I'm going to call my lawyer. And it's like, it's more aggressively nasty than it is nervous. Yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, he's nervous.

He's scared. Like, like I said, House of Cards is coming down. but he's more along the lines of like, what fucking right do you have and all this shit? And she's like, actually I have the right of the state. Here's two police officers who can arrest you. He makes them wait at the open door

while he goes to call his lawyer. Like, this lady knows the ins and outs of what she can and can't do. And he goes to close the door and she's like, uh, the law says you have to leave the fucking door open. And he's like, well, fine. Like, yeah, dude, this is the...

Again, Victor Garber's acting. Like, he also has never heard of social services before. And he comes back and, like, lets them in, because I guess he called his lawyer and the jig is up. Well, what's amazing is, you know, God bless it, it's a made-for-TV movie. She's like, and leave the door open. And he's like, okay, and begrudgingly walks away,

fade out. But because it's a DVD, it's an instant. Like, once it hits black, it fades back in. And it's just him coming back up to the door, like, okay, come in. Three minutes later. I would love to see the conversation with the lawyer where he's just like, listen john uh you know how i how i have three college funds for no reason i gotta let you in a little secret and then it's like tim you're fucked let him in but so like this woman's like

okay you'll be she checks it out and everything's going fine until she finds maggie's room and she's like who's room is this and like the little boy is like that's maggie she's my sister i love her And they're like, is she invisible? She sure is. Well, come to think of it, I've never seen her. I never laid eyes on her. And so she's like, you'll be hearing from us. And he's like, oh, fuck.

He confronts the nanny. He's like, you did this, you evil bitch. And like, she's crying and she feels all bad. And she's like, but I only told them before you told me why this is going on. Wait, what in your mind justifies any of this? Yeah, it's a completely like bat-ch. shit not it's a non justification yeah that's just her

saying stuff because it's it's in the moment the fucking jig is up and she's like yeah it's all right I'm packing my things now and he's like no you're not going anywhere which is terrifying pulls that pistol out of his pocket yeah I was like all right finally someone's getting thrown around and he's like

because you're going to help me get us out of this mess and I was like oh a plan beat her up but I was also like so she's not allowed to leave huh that's that's a tricky subject there's a lot of moments of him being like well you're pretty much family now yeah do you ever see the show big love do you want to be my other wife you want to be my non crazy wife i have a crazy wife you can be my stupid wife and only one rule

no invisible children he's that strangling her i feel like if they ran off together like there are on some beach and Barbados or something and he's like making those kind of jokes like oh you want to go to the salad bar yeah okay you want to come with us Maggie oh we killed all three of them so one thing before I mean because this is pretty much the climax of the movie

because it's a made for TV movie so the third act is six and a half minutes long but before the social services scene they go for a day at the Ferris wheel. This is one of the best parts of the film. Because this is finally where, you know, we were joking around about like, why wouldn't someone sit on her or whatever. So they're going on this Ferris wheel and the guy's like, all right, six to a car on this Ferris wheel.

So it's her and it's Rita Wilson and the two real kids. And that fills up. Right. There's two other people or three other people in front of them. So she's like, she's like, okay, Jilly, you can go with Maggie. And she's like, okay. And so she gets on the next car, but because it's reality, Jillian gets on the car, and then five other people get on the car.

hilarious, it's like five, 16-year-old dudes all riding the ferris wheel together. The one dude is sort of like all up on her a little bit. Yeah, I feel like there's a little, yeah, a little ferris wheel fun. So they have this ferris wheel ride and then like the way they're letting people off, Rita Wilson and the kids get off first, and then here comes the car with, wait a second it's just jilly and five nerds oh my god where's where's maggie she starts losing her mind and like the nannies try to keep together and she's like oh no she was just on my lap you let her go you got rid of her she's like rena wilson's like oh they would never let you put her on her lap yeah yeah

because that's fucking crazy swish swish cheese holes right through that stupid story you tried to feed me yeah excuse me logic queen i apologize So then, like, world's worst pretty little liar comes in. And she's just like, oh, it's okay, mom. Me and Julie are going to go find her. And they walk like 10 feet out of sight. And she's like, huh, that's never happened before. All right, we found her.

Let's go back. The most chilling, unsettling part about that is she's like, oh, my God, you're right, mom. She's missing. And she's like crying. And she runs, she's like, oh, well, this is a bunch of bullshit. Five, four, three, two. Oh, I guess you found the invisible bitch. Let's go back.

Yeah, when she's saying to Rita Wilson, like, don't worry, mom, I'll find it. like she's doing this whole like she is it's total rapid fire improv lying she's like talking about oh my god it's all my fault we had a fight earlier and i yelled at her and now she's mad at me like holy shit this kid is reeling off the lies yeah she just walks with jillian just it just like smokes a cigarette yeah uh all right enough time let's get out of here like it's terrifying the way the like the mood swings this little girl has This is a first. I can't believe it.

Kids get lost. It gets her to church room. We found her. What? Let's go back. So, you're right. So then now it's the big day and like, we're... The big child service is grilling.

So they're sitting together. Like, it's only, it's only jilly. By the way, what's his face? Victor Garber never tells her about social services. Never tells Rita Wilson. No, Rita Wilson does not know about social services. She's totally kept out of the whole procedure, which is bullshit. Mm-hmm.

And so it's just him. It's Victor Garber, Jilly, and the little girl. And, like, those are the three that social services are going to talk to. And they take them one by one. Victor Garber comes in. And he's got this little briefcase. Like, you know what? I got a lawsuit in this briefcase.

And I'm going to sue everybody because this is bullshit. And you're wasting my time. They're like, well, where's your crazy wife? She's sick. Where's your son that also believes in it? He's at school. Who's here? Well, the nanny that I pay, and the little girl that you know is also in Gohutsu thing. But that's it. That's all you get.

That's all you're talking to. Mr. Garber, I just would let you know that lawsuits usually aren't just like, you don't deliver the lawsuit. You don't hold the lawsuit. You know what I have in this hat? A white rabbit. You know what we're going to do? Pull it out if you don't cut this bullshit out. Mr. Garber, it's not a literal suit. You can't wear a lawsuit It's Denzo Washington

In Philadelphia is walking around the lawsuit The world's worst Halloween costume So they're all like They're like fine dude I guess this will do Which A it wouldn't in a million years No I said it just before we started Like this thing's like

If you were like That man over there I suspect he killed his wife And you talk to everyone But the man you suspect Of killing the wife Like, you would talk, you would demand to speak with Rita Wilson. Yeah, you have to.

That's the, she's the whole case. They could probably get like a judge's order to do that. Like, they are talking to that woman. Like, that is who they're, they're talking to all these people that know her to find out if she's a unfit mother without ever talking to her. And you know what happens then to in the real world if it's like, oh, okay, your wife didn't show up. Here's the next step. We're going to take your kids. I told you not to fuck with me, and you fucked with me.

You're getting your kids taken away. And think how jaded those people who do that job are? Oh, yeah, they've got no fucking tolerance. Think what all the people that they see to? Oh, yeah, they've heard it all before. Invisible children, whatever. Fucking climbing the mountaintop. Sir, we know what that means.

I mean, because these people are butter churners of human misery. They know everything. Right. And it's just like, you know what? I don't fucking want to hear your lie because you're a liar. But so like he goes and he's all fucking berating them Like how dare you waste my valuable time I built this city like he's being a lunatic

And then like he's got a great line about like I'm gonna let you talk to them I'm gonna let you talk to my daughter Which I hate You've got our nanny You can see her alone too She's with us all day Every day ask her whatever you like

And you can talk to my daughter Which I hate I'm gonna eat these green beans Which I hate But I understand that I have to so thanks for doing me a favor pal i get which i hate i get to speak to one of your kids and not your crazy fuck wife this is a cavalcade of bold-faced lying like they bring the nanny in and she's like she's like okay jillian isn't it true you came to me and said that the woman you work for

believe she has an invisible child and she's like why that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard like Like, it's kind of like, you know, it's like, it's like so clearly has the feeling of like a teenager just lying to their parents. Like, I never said that. I never did that. I didn't go there. You know, of course I was home before curfew. Oh, yeah. So I guess I was just talking to invisible Jillian that day.

Because it's all centering on this one social, like, it's the social services lady that we saw before. Yes. And then like, like, she's leading the whole thing. and like as this woman's like well i've never i never said that to you or like oh i did i'll come to think of it i oh yeah i did say something about someone having an invisible child but that was my friend good one colombo like it's just the fucking also question okay so that was someone i don't get a paycheck from that's yeah exactly like this woman is being paid to lie like okay that's fine um just tell me what the names of those people are we'll call them up and we'll

straighten this right out yeah totally they're in england they're all so invisible I don't know if I mention that and like this this ending is kind of played like the end of PCU where like this social service woman

is like Jessica Walter and she's just getting all steamed and like oh that rowdy house of PCU and like we're all like good for you you you dumb bitch I'm like no she's a social services woman trying to bring order to this world

and then Victor Garber's like screw this I'm going to the Frisbee game I'm going to hang out with Jake Pusey for some ultimate Frisbee. We're seniors. Just one bong rib. But, I mean, that's the most disgusting part about this whole thing, is these three people, especially the woman who comes to the house and makes the whole visit. Like, they're just doing their job. And it's social services.

It's not like they're three SS members banging down the attic door, okay? These people are trying to help them. this family. And it's back to that mindset of like, oh yeah, well, you just don't fucking get it. You don't share our values. And it's like, I am not going to sit here with this DVD on

and agree that this social services woman is the villain of this movie. It's fucking Victor Garber. It's the little kid. And now it's fucking jelly the nanny because you're fucking, you're just as guilty as the rest of them now, lady. And finally, in a tour-de-force performance, May Whitman

shows up. Little way, May Whitman, and they're like, oh, we hear you have an Invisible Sister. It's like, well, that's really silly. And she's, like, playing it like Uber girly, which is weird. Like, she's playing up, oh, I'm a do-eyed little girl because she's fucking crazy. Invisible Sister? You have an invisible sister. My brother has an imaginary friend or two.

We call one Maggie. Is that what you mean? It's kind of like in Dark Night Rises when Bruce Wayne's, like, those pearls look great on you or whatever. look better on you than in my mother's safe or whatever. And then Anne Hathaway makes that switch and she's like, oops. Yeah. And then you're like, wow, she's fucked up. Like, good

job, Selena Kyle. Like, that's what this is like. She's like, all right, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to fucking rock their world. Invisible sister, that's silly. Ha ha. And you're just like, holy fuck. Holy fuck. When she's like 30 years old, she's going to be cutting off people's skin. Like, I know that they say

like predominantly there's no female serial killers. Guess what? Breaking the mold. This kid. She's going to be wearing all sorts of skins, putting a bunch of clown makeup on. She's going to be like that hatchet woman.

What was her name? Lizzie Borden? There you go. She only killed her parents, though, but it's a star. Orleine Warloor, Lord, Lord, Lord. Oh, Monster? Yeah, Monster. Charlie Seron's movie.

Yeah, yeah. Arlene something or other. She was a serial killer. Aileen Wernos. Wernos, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to grow up to be Monster. Maybe this little girl's M.O. is just, I like to make everyone invisible, and she just like cuts their throats and now you're invisible. You're with my invisible sister. You're just sleeping, but you're invisible. I get to pick who I put to sleep and who I turn invisible.

which do you want to be the detective is like smoking cigarettes I don't get it I keep seeing all these notes like Say hello to Maggie for me Who's Maggie It's like it's like Danny Glover In the first saw movie

He just can't crack the case Man he is 10 steps behind in that movie Oh at the very least He's 10 steps behind in that movie So yeah She's going through this whole fucking thing And she's like the lady actually is really great she's like trying to attribute it she's like she's like you know it's it's like it's invisible it's like Santa Claus and she's like oh yeah so like like we like the tooth fairy yeah you know she used to be my invisible friend but then I gave her over to my little brother it's kind of a fun game blah blah blah and all this crazy shit and the lady's getting so frustrated with this little girl and she keeps bringing up Santa Claus like oh isn't Santa Claus so ridiculous now that you think about it Santa Claus is pretty crazy and this fucking

social services when we get so upset she just goes Santa Claus is an established cultural fantasy and she's trying to explain like you know it's okay because a lot of people share the fantasy of Santa Claus

but if one person has one fantasy that no one else has it's fucking cuckoo town and she's just not buying it and then the greatest fucking thing she compares it to as far as imaginary people goes yeah in terms of fantasy

yeah the little girl you know may whitman goes oh like martin luther king he had a dream that nobody else had so you're saying he's crazy lady are you gonna stand here in front of god and everybody at badmouth martin luther king i won't let you what's crazy about that though is she's like he had a dream that no one else had like yeah he gave the speech but a lot of people had that dream of seeing their daughters go to the same sky i mean you know what i mean that was a collect that was a culturally shared dream but i mean this is also the point where you know like i know what the girl is saying you know but you could tell there's trouble at home because right when a little girl goes into their social services and

starts controlling the narrative of what's going on that's when you got a problem oh absolutely it's fucking twisted man if a 10 year old girl is working the room in the social services interrogation problem also how do these people not know they're being played like there's two other people on either side of the villainous social services woman and they just keep quiet through the whole thing the only thing either of them do is when like this kid just keeps going on with the story the woman next to her just writes on a note like let's wrap it up huh like you're fucking lost you lost to a 10 year old girl you've been out played and then they they get they get off scot-free yes they walk out and Like three steps in front of the social service.

Like, yay! High fiving and fucking hugging each other. Like, you just committed fraud. You're all in it together. Can you at least wait until you get in the car before you celebrate? Side question I had when I was watching this, by the way. This evil social services woman, she losing her job? Oh, yeah.

It's a big fucking problem. Like, it's a black guy on the department, right? Like, she's done for. Which it's like, all right, Victor Garber. I guess you didn't get your kids taken away, but now this woman can't feed her family or whatever. You know what I mean? They're going to be invisible too now.

I just made your job invisible. Invisible fucking paycheck. Thanks a lot. But so then, like, that was the big climax of the movie. And then it's like, oh, my God, Maggie's really sick, honey. And, like, Victor Garber was like, okay. And that's when the hospital scene happens. Well, she's been making.

Yeah. She's been making Maggie. sicker throughout the last like half hour of the movie and one of the things you start to realize is like by Rita Wilson planting this ad for the nanny it's sort of saying

like all right she wants this outside force to come into the house somewhere she knows this is going to help her break down the fantasy kind of a thing yeah because there's one scene where she's just very random it's after the Ferris wheel incident and she's like oh a hundred degrees hon you have a fever

and then like after that like every point it's like she's just getting sicker and sicker think about how wrong this could have gone with reader wilson here is imagine if she was crazy enough that she was like i kind of want my child maggie to get get sick and there are parents that i think you know that go crazy and whatever and they start poisoning their kids a little bit oh yeah absolutely what if she started poisoning maggie's dinner a little bit by little bit and then the other girl starts eating it i mean fuck. Victor Garber, this you barely miss that. That's where it gets dangerous. Yeah. That's really in trouble. It could have happened. No, absolutely. I don't put anything past this woman, but like, you're

right though, because I think she is, she's putting, she's turning the screws like, okay, maybe someone will, she's drowning. And she's like, please, someone help me. I'll make the baby sick, anything, anything, just to bring this to a head. So they come back and they're all happy to bring, they buy this ridiculous, crazy fucking horse. It's like a rocking horse like really creepy and they're like happy on birthday mom terrifying and she's like you

know what why don't you put that in maggie's room she's really not doing well and all this shit and they have the series of scenes everyone's kind of saying goodbye to maggie and the creepiest one it's like the fucking last scene in primal fear the little girl goes in and she's like hey mags you know i always kind of hated you but you did make life a lot of fun and like she's like smoking a singer but like it's just like slowly clapping how'd you figure it out counselor like this is that's that's what this scene is it's so weird uh so long story short the kid dies uh like there's there's a crazy thing where the little the little boy comes into the room and she's like Rita Wilson's like oh hey uh Maggie just said she saw an angel up in the ceiling can you see that angel and the kid turns

around and he's like um i don't yeah yeah i see it i see it and you see rita wilson be like all right i got to kill this kid like it's obviously fucking up my real son because rita wilson that's what that's what's amazing is that rita wilson's like well i see the little girl in the bed that's sick but i don't see the crazy angel she sees if it was a test like wrong idiot there's no angel there that's a baby but you're a fucking moron because there's no angel there the little boy gives one of the most chilling line readings of the film when when this kid is dad he says like maggie's with god one day you'll be with god and dad and doc and me will be with god yikes yeah we'll all be invisible something tells me that damage is irreparable oh it's done

for man you kidding me you might as well erase him start over they're going to be like a brother's sister Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. The Bonnie and Clyde of skin wears. Bonnie and Clyde went brother and sister. But, you know, they're going to be wearing... They're going to be wearing skin. I mean, I don't know how this is going to turn out. Anything's possible, Eric.

That's true. So then they bury Maggie in the backyard like a dog, like you would. It's just, it's a big creepy funeral scene. Victor Garber is like, uh, Maggie, your brother asked me to say this prayer or whatever. And I'm like, Oh, man, till the bitter end there, keep up with this. But meanwhile, Victor Garber's like, fucking finally. He's, like, ready to dance.

If you've ever been ready to dance, it's at your imaginary daughter's funeral. Yeah. He's just, because the whole movie, he's been like, you know, it ends when my wife says it ends. It's like, this timetables hers, man, and I'm just here for the ride kind of a thing. And inside he's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, yeah. It's like those great adventure commercials. That's on the grave. And we end with a terrifying freeze frame

where Rita Wilson hugs Victor Garber and she just goes, Thank you. What is the thank you for? Thank you for saying such a nice prayer at our fake daughter's funeral, or thank you for putting up with my crazy bullshit for five years. Or thank you for digging the hall.

Thank you for letting me keep her in the backyard So we don't have to visit the pesky cemetery every day Thank you for buying the horse It could be any It's a very lost in translation ending Like ooh what was that? What happened there? It is an ending that will be debated for you

Oh man And that's that's Divisible Child Cue the comic sans And we're out of there What professional person Lifetime movie or no is like I gotta make these credits up today

How about Comic Sans? Yeah, that's professional. Someone waiting to get a sandwich. I don't know, I don't know. It's got out of it. Would anybody Would anybody recommend this movie? I'd say yeah. It's a strong lifetime.

Like, lifetime movies. Right. Which means you gotta like movies that aren't really movies, but kind of just collections of things. If you do that, If you enjoy a good lifetime movie, it's, it's in my top 10. Yeah, I would, I would recommend it. I mean, I haven't seen a lot of lifetime movies.

I get the gist of a lifetime movie, which is why a lot of the time I'm like, I am not going to watch this, you know. But we wanted to do this for the show. I'm happy I watch this. I understand that this is not the traditional lifetime movie. I mean, that's what we've talked about here. There's no deadbeat dads, you know, in the traditional sense of deadbeat dattery. you know there's no torrid affairs there's no internet pornography addictions there's no high school orgies whatever but as a as lifetime aside as a crazy as shit movie a made for tv movie whatever

yep definitely recommending it like you have to see some of these scenes the bathroom scene the school scene the ferris wheel seat like you have to see this shit to believe it yeah i would also recommend it i think um it could be aided with uh a couple of beverages. Sure. You know, make a little night of it. It's,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's really, really out there. I mean, how often you see a movie about an invisible child?

Would you, uh, recommend rock climbing to this movie, Eric? No, but maybe puffed the magic dragon. Or, uh,

you know, a couple of beers. What's, what's like, what's Craigslist for beers? I don't know. Orange juice. Who knows?

Oh, I just want to quickly, uh, mention a couple of credits here. Some people like it when we talk about the people involved in these movies. Yeah, the geniuses behind the scenes. This was directed by Joan Mickland Silver,

who also directed 1989's Lover Boy, starring Patrick Dempsey as a pizza delivering jigolo that I've seen actually too many times. Six or seven at least. Four or five. She also directed Crossing Delancey, which is a movie with Amy Irving.

And I believe Boone from Animal House, Peter Riegerd, I believe, is the dude. Don't call me on that. I don't know if it's Peter Rieger, but it's definitely Amy Irving. And another person involved, Ron Bass, who's credited with story, was the screenplay writer for Rain Man, which is surprising. Did that one on Oscar? It might have.

It might have. I'm sure we love movies would answer that question. He also did Dangerous Minds in that Amelia Earhart movie with Hillary Swank that no one saw the other year. that disappeared mysteriously like Millier Earhart. The invisible movie. And that is your, who's responsible? This week and who's responsible? Oh, hey, oh, whoa, we're back again in the rerun bunker here,

just letting you guys know, you know, we might have cut off some of the information of how to get the show and all that, but you know how to do that. You're here to do it. You found it. You're already here, man. It's all right, man.

It's fucking summer. We're not going to get any new, listeners putting out old episodes. These are just for the fans. Yeah, exactly. And I think along with that is like, like, yeah, these are some of our favorite episodes, but they're also going to be fan favorites. The one

that we have at the end of September is a definite fan favorite. At the end of at the start of September. The start of September, the end of this vacation that we're doing. I guess we should tell people when we're coming back really quick, maybe. September, 11th, whatever. Sometime around there. So that's, it's for the

invisible child. Next week. So this was Eric's pick. Next week is a Steve pick. I'm going to put out this is a new little fun thing to put out there. Again, we want you guys to feel like you gained something by listening to this episode if you already listen to it. A fact no one knows about me

that I will reveal right now is that I do not like the who and I never have and I never will. Oh, really? A little controversial news on we hate movies never liked the who. There you go. I heard it on the way here and I was in a bad mood and it made me in a worse.

Do you remember which song it was? They put you in a bad mood? Wasn't Bob O'Reilly. Won't be fooled again. Oh, because you were like, I won't be fucking fooled again by this goddamn subway system. Exactly. New York City and the summer kids, it's a horrible place to live. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, do not come here.

Luckily, we're all off in the Hampton somewhere. Just like weekend at Bernie. Well, yeah, I'm playing with a dead body on a beach. It's what I do every summer. It's beautiful out there. So until next week with Steve's Pick, enjoy your vacation, everybody. See you next time. Bye-bye.