We Hate Movies - S4: WHM Summer Rewind: Tuff Turf

Episode Date: August 12, 2014

Original Air Date: 2/12/13 On this WHM Summer Rerun, the gang reminisces about one of their absolute favorite films from the WHM catalog, Tuff Turf! Steve wonders how James Spader's possible Back to the Future audition went. Andrew impersonates Jim Carroll delivering dialog on heroin. And Chris butchers up the "80s Teen Dramedy" cow. PLUS: Two words - Jack. Mack. Tuff Turf stars James Spader, Kim Richards, Paul Mones, Robert Downey Jr., Matt Clark, Jim Carroll and Jack Mack & the Heart Attack; directed by Fritz Kiersch. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

No, no. I know it's uncomfortable. Just keep on coming in. That's right. Now we've got you. No. It's, we hate movies rerun episodes, everybody. We're doing these.

They're fun, right? Yeah. I'm having fun. I'm Steven Sadek. This is my pick. This is my reading rainbow. I want to do a reading rainbow style. I'm going to hold up a book and stare awkwardly.

The movie I picked is tough turf. It's the toughest turf around. It's an episode that we did, and Chris Cab is on it, and it's great. Steve, it sounds like you didn't even listen to this episode. No, it's a super fun one. It's a movie that I found on Netflix, like a year and a half prior. And I remember there was, I was talking this up for months that they were going to do it. And I was super excited because it blew me away.

It was one of those like, what are we going to watch when we're making dinner kind of movies? And then like dinner just burned because I was like, wait. This is fantastic. You put a hole in your kitchen wall because you're watching tough turf. I actually worked for a summer at a summer camp. Oh, really? That's terrifying. Yeah.

You know, that is terrifying. Yeah, you don't want this guy in power. And the guy running the summer camp, Mr. Paul Monez, who played Nick the villain in this movie. Oh, shit. So I actually knew this fellow. I wasn't on the episode. I didn't get to talk about it. There's not much to talk about.

What kind of a camp counselor boss was he? Very manicured. He had posters of his movies in his office. Was there a tough turf poster? No. He had a poster of a movie called The Beat, I believe, which is something he was more involved in as a writer. He also wrote...

Goodwill hunting. I think double team with... Oh, seriously? The Jean-Claude Van Damme movie? He's been involved in some type of... One of the Jean-Claude aversus... That's fantastic. But yeah, no, that's, that's the whole story.

Nothing, nothing that interested. I love this movie. Mm-hmm. I think it's a fantastic movie. What bothers me, and every time I think about it, like now in a situation where I can't do it, but I'm like, God damn it. I have to go on eBay and find the Tough Turf LP. Yep. Because there's like, we'll get listeners who will be like tweeting directly at me, like, pictures of themselves with the LP.

Like, look what I'm doing this weekend. Fuck, phase. Yeah. Like, somehow the internet knows that I don't own this album, and all I want is this album. Yeah, you got to do that. You got to get Jim Carroll's Catholic boy on LP, which I do own because of this. Oh, by the way, somehow I forgot this, but it was a live action role-playing camp. Dude, that is a detail I need up front.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I kind of, I buried the lead. A live-action role-playing camp? That's a fucking episode in and of itself. What I was doing at that camp was. They hired me to, like, film the kids and stuff for, like, a promotional video for the future of the camp or whatever. That's what Jeffrey Jones said, by the, yeah.

They hired me to film the kids. Okay, so during one of the epic battles, I was filming my kids. And one of the counselors who was, like, super into the larping, like, pulled me aside. He was, like, you were fucking ruining the magic of this moment. My God. And, like, yeah, he gave me a talking tool. That's a stern talking to. But were you, like, hey, the fucking.

guy from tough turf hired me to film this shit yeah and what am i gonna do run and cry to a movie villain i don't think so wait so it was like what like wizards and shit yeah wizards and swords and uh yeah you know i'll stay home with a nice ice cold glass of water if you get my drift and watch some tough turf we now join we hate movies already in progress on for quite a while i was like it it's not ready yet it's not ready yet you don't want to take that bread out before it's ready we're just like a bunch of you know mother hens just laying on that egg waiting for it to come out and honestly because we've known this one's been coming up for a while and i was just kind of like man get through january slug through all those new movies so we can go

back to the 80s where we belong because this is like an alternate if this movie is 50% more normal this would have been on everybody's like TBSS growing up Everybody would have grown up with this movie But I mean I'm sure some people did But nobody grew up with this movie Some people may have grown up with this movie

But no one Some equals none The film In the very most boiled down way I can give it to you Is James Spader plays a teen Who's just moved to an LA suburb, and he's having trouble fitting in at school,

runs a foul of a gang and falls in love with the gang leader's girl. It's really weird because he's dark and smart. It's a very odd thing. Yeah, there's the patented, you know, Donnie Darko's seen, your Iowa test scores are intimidating. You know, like that whole thing, that old gag. Iowa's. Oh, God, the Iowa's.

And then he's got like, they shows bedroom at one point, and it's all like heady, heady literature and philosophy books all over the place. He's reading, he's doing a lot of extracurricular reading, but he won't do the asylum. He's not going to read Huck Finn. He read that in the fourth fucking grade.

Oh, yeah. No, he's got like a couple of notebooks with him. There's nothing but doodles. Yeah, I mean, he probably schooled the Iowas, but those regents, man. He just wrote like Metallica rules on it and just fucking handed it in.

No, he wrote a very long poem on the back of every piece and they're like wow you're really something you've done it i mean i'm gonna have to fail you for the class but you're really deep uh by the way

you know you are in for a wild ride right at the start of this flick you know why three words new world pictures my god if that is not the w hm fucking seal of approval i mean we should have because i mean we rewatch most of the movies here and when that comes up there should just be like

an alarm in your table that just comes up and whirls around it just it's an alarm that just pops up and it says you're in for a treat well I got to want to be like the Pee-Hermans ah you said the secret well pictures

yeah I mean it's kind of we start out like a weird like it starts a lot like a bit it's like Death Wish mixed with the first Ninja Turtles movie Yeah, that's a good call. As zany as that sounds, everybody, that's actually pretty accurate. Because it's just like edgy teens and like a little, it's like grimy and dark and you're like, okay, what's going on here?

Marion Faithful's playing in the background for reasons I can't even begin to understand. And just like in the first Ninja Turtles movie, someone could be raped at any second. Oh, yeah, you can just do this. There are some dark corners of that movie. There really are. Like, I get he's a teenage turtle mutant, but Raphael gets beaten almost to death. And fucking April O'Neill gets slapped in the face. It's just that like, we have a message for you, Miss O'Neill.

You're like, oh, what's it going to be? Is it going to be like a year dead? No, they'll slap that woman right in the face. Okay. I guess so, sure. What's more threatening than a slap across the face? Because a slap's like, wow, that's bad. It could have been a punch, but the punch is the next step.

Yeah, exactly. I learned the lesson today, I guess. So James Spader is, what is his name? Morgan. Yeah, he's Morgan in this movie, you know, tall, dark and handsome. And by the way, the thinnest he's ever been. Oh, he's chiseled from the gods. And I mean, you know, we're not going to rag on him for being puffy, 50-year-old James Spader.

Now, you know, let's get it out in the open. No one in this room is a spader hater. Everybody is on the spade train. Absolutely pro spader. I always have been. Any form he takes, if he's fat as fucking. I'm all about it. So long as he has that veneer of I couldn't give a shit if you lived or died, I'm on board

with James Spader. You know, honestly, that's not going anywhere. He's never going to play the father to a young boy in a Christmas movie. You know what I mean? If he does, you know it's the last days of Spader. And look forward to it at our Christmas time. Or it's the last days of his son because he's going to snap on Christmas and kill him. He is a kid who likes to ride him.

to bike around a lot. Yeah. Because it's like he's a, he's a transplant from Connecticut, right? The whole thing, by the way, the other whole, you know, like the economic side to this is he's a rich boy from Connecticut whose father

his business collapsed. And for some reason, they moved across the country to, you know, L.A. suburbs. They're kind of slumming it. He's kind of got a Buffy Summers thing, too. It's like, oh, you don't do that at your, you did at your last school, you know, you better to look out. Do you think Morgan at his last

school, you know, kind of destroyed a hellmouth sort of a thing? It could be a slayer. No, I think, I mean, he's definitely, I'm not saying it's drugs. But it's something that they probably thought was drugs. Yeah, yeah.

So this scene that we were talking about, we're opening up, it's like a, you know, it's a nighttime street scene. There's like a seedy newsstand going on. And this scene tells us everything we need to know about this movie, right? Because it's like, dark, someone could be raped at any second. You know, There's hoods all over the place.

And there's this old man waiting for the bus. Sexy teen comes out, which, by the way, I'm watching this movie last night. Instantly, the credits are on. This chick pops up. My wife goes, she's a real housewife of Beverly Hills. And she's also Paris Hilton's aunt, which is just that those are things you don't want to own up to. And she's in tough turf. You can do a lot of good spader stories on that show.

I remember James And actually a hundred and nine years old apparently You know what though? She looks like she's a hundred and nine years old So it's pretty accurate No it's kind of sad because I've seen a few episodes Of the one that she's on Because that was the same show

As Kelsey Grammer's horrific ex-wife And it's just I mean they're all the worst fucking people imaginable But she's like also kind of crazy now Well the issues that they all kind of just look like Fried Chicken drumsticks Yeah That's just kind of the look they go for now

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So she's hanging out. And then the whole thing is like James Spader swoops in on his bicycle. They're about to rob this guy. They're like in the process of mugging him at knife point. And Spader cycles on through. And it's the cool. It's the first of two times in this movie he's Batman. Yeah. And he swoops in. It's all fluid, right? Like grabs this beer can like he's done it a thousand times. Grab's it out of this dude's hands, shakes it up, blinds the muggers. The dude accidentally spray paints. His. His. boss in the face like it's all really choreograph well yeah it's kind of like the karate kid meets death wish again like everything meets death wish in this movie but i just don't understand why he's a vigilante in the beginning and like the end i understand it but like in the middle he's not a vigilante he's not like oh we got hey robert denny jr we got to clean up the streets of this this town because it takes something specific like you can't just hey i'm freewheeling it and i'm just going to break up this robbery like that's like a heroic thing you do it because you're a hero and like you do it because like oh that somebody's getting hurt i'm gonna help him he walks in he's

singing beepop blue bob this my baby yeah and then he's just like strolling on by going to stop this robbery with seven people i guess he's just try to find some action you know well that's the thing right is like he's so bored mentally his his intellectual prowess is such that you know he's bored by regular schooling. He's bored by his home life. He's bored when he's done reading his philosophy books. He's just got to go out and fuck it. I'll fight some crime. Whatever. Then why not just buy a bick lighter? Put your palm over it and just get it over with then. Jesus, man. What is this junior high? He's past that at this point. He's past the cut in stages. So yeah, he breaks up this robbery and then like, and it's all grimy dark. And then we're at the

beginning of a teen movie like you know what I mean like he's waking up and it's like now jimmy don't be late for your new day at the new school and that's when you realize the problem with this movie is that it's it is four movies in one right it's it's your vigilante death wish movie it's your teen movie the way he dresses and acts in some of these school scenes I said this to you yesterday Steve he's like marty Mcfly without any of the time travel you know what I mean like He kind of flawlessly gets this babe to be attracted to him, you know, like, kind of just walking through days, like, not really giving a shit about anything. But he doesn't have any of that McFly charm. He's just kind of like a jerk who keeps to himself.

Let's not mince words here. I'm sure James Spader's screen tested for Marty McFly and just, it was just like, why is he making fun a doc? That doesn't seem, right? That's not in the script. Why is everything so sarcastic? Oh, yeah, great. You made a time machine out of a DeLorean? No, no.

No, you can't rub Strickland's head. No, that's not what we're doing here. No, stop. He gets called into the principal's office day one, and this dude is just like, he's giving him the whole Donnie Darko speech, like your Iowa test, blah, blah, blah, and he's just like wearing sunglasses. The principal has to be like, would you mind taking those off? I'd like to look people in the eye when I talk to them.

He's got a bantam paper back in his hand just hanging out. Let's get next. There's a line in that little back and forth, though, that makes no sense. He's looking through a file. I don't know what file this is, like his FBI file, I guess. I don't think you have a file at school. I think that's a bunch of bullshit. Does permanent records?

Yeah, that's garbage. And he looks at it. He's just like, hmm, Shakespeare. That's the book he's holding. That's what he's reading at the time. Yeah. Is of course Shakespeare. Because he is the only person in the history of high school.

That's ever, like, just independently read Shakespeare on their own. And they're teaching it down the hall, but he won't go to that class. No, no, no, no, because that teacher doesn't get it. Yeah, thanks, but no, thanks. Now, she's going to condescend to me. Oh, Romeo and Julia, you ever read 12th night, bitch? And just walks right out. And the other thing, too, when he breaks up that robbery, this 45-year-old man's really upset about it.

It turns out this 45-year-old man is a student at this high school. Well, his enrollment status is always kind of a little tricky Because, like, they see, he's stewing outside of the high school They're like, this is by the way, a bad school This is our, by the way, we get the titular song, Tough Turf. And we're riding around looking at everybody in their beatboxes. Everyone's got switchblades. It's kind of like double dragon the movie.

Like what I imagine the game double dragon movie would be like. Like there's an adobe there with a. big pipe just walking around down the hallway. I hate the burst of bubble, but that's not it. There's a lot of mutants in the Double Dragon movie. Yeah, a whole lot of mutants. And Robert Patrick. Well, that's what the Double Dragon movie should have been.

Just some fucking people mix it up. Remember that. That girl gets punched in the gut in the beginning of that Double Dragon video game. What she certainly does. Well, the thing, this is school just like, it reminded me of like, if Disney tried to make a series out of dangerous minds. Because they're all like wearing like the tough. And this is actually a problem I have with this movie is that they're all wearing like

alternative like like subculture clothing and wardrobe. Yeah, they're all dressed very alternative. Yeah. And they're all just kind of like getting along, snap it to all these songs. Everybody's getting along, it seems,

except for James Spader and this 45 year old. Everyone else in this high school moves with the flow of a jet or a shark. They're bouncing off lockers smoothly flying down the level. hallway it's beautiful it's very much a musical this is a musical this is how you reveal the high school in a musical right and that you get this is the third kind of you know what this movie is is it's kind of a musical musical combined with a soundtrack film yeah we've got

full live performances coming up that we're going to talk about and then yeah there is choreograph dancing there's all these people like walking through the campus with with they've got like boom boxes but they're dance walking with these boombox it's like making a big deal about walking to class and i mean this 45-year-old gangster guy nick is his name uh and he's outside and i talk about his enrollment there's it's and it's the shittiest joke in the world where he's like he sees spader and uh when spader broke up the fight one of his underlings had like zorro marked him with a wire yeah he had he broke the antenna off a car and was like sword playing with it that's

what this movie is by the way yeah exactly and he he whips spader on the back his spader of course is wearing a leather jacket but there's like something pin to it's like an american flag patch pin and he whips it good you know so he that's how we recognize that's how the 45 year old nick

recognizes him 45 he's getting up there well I feel this is kind of like the Belushi movie the principal right is it's that school that drug lord in that movie is very much probably not actually enrolled in that school but you know this is before like how schools are

now so like you could kind of just hang out at a school and no one's going to give you too much trouble i mean he's not enrolled in aARP but he's considering it he's starting to like look around they have discounts at all sorts of coffee shops but anyway he's he's out front and like he see spader and he see spader going into the school and he's like oh we're going to school today. And they're like, what? It's a reason to go to school. Yeah, it's very much it's a boss situation. He's the boss and he's got a bunch of little underlings and he's got this girlfriend

that he's always like grabbing a little too hard. Yeah, it is. And you know, we can address it right here. This dude is one of those stupid motherfuckers that's like, she is my proper tay. He owns this chick in this movie. and it's really shitty. And it's kind of unsettling because he's also one of those guys who thinks like he can still be

like kind of a chummy guy while also having that philosophy. So, you know, we go to school, we meet Robert Downey Jr., who is before his face changes. Robert Danny Jr. is like 1980s face. He's kind of got, it's the same thing that happened to Tom Cruise.

They both got their teeth fixed and got totally different faces. Yeah, his face goes through puberty in like the early 90s. Like his initial teeth he looks like one of uh, remember in Goof Troop how that kid looked? Max. Max. Goofy's son? Yeah, he kind of looks a little bit

like Max. And then he just turned into like Robert Danny Jr. eventually. Well he also he lost some weight, I think. Yeah. He got into the gym a little bit. Yeah. Pudgy, pudgy kid. By the way, how did Goofy have sole custody of that kid? Is his wife dead in that show? Well,

You miss the movie, the I Am Sam thing that happened before? Because that Goofy is mentally challenged and wants to take care of his son. I mean, that's what that whole goof, goof troupe, the movie is where he's like, we're going on vacation. But you don't see Michelle Pfeiffer busting on the door every once in a while and be like, how's everything going on here? I mean, I think Goofy's a winner. Are you getting your three squares a day? Well, no. Is Dad putting you to bed at the?

Maybe it was some girl he met in the institute. It could be the institute. Either way, all they listen to is Beatles covers. Fuck that I am, Sam, by the way. For classic movie gangster, you know, methodology, he steals his bike. It's a real badass thing to do. And this is our first, like, shit. That's a thing.

I feel like there's, like, six standoffs in this movie that, like, almost boil over with between Spader and this bad guy. Well, that's the one we missed in the genre chock-up is that we forgot Westerns. Yeah, I mean, it is like the showdown at the OK Corral. But it's kind of like karate kid, but the stakes are way up there for no reason. Because it's not like, oh, man, they're just going to kick his ass. It's like, and then some. There's that just like, and then he's going to be in a fucking wheelchair. That's kind of a thing.

That's what's really weird about this movie is the stakes are kind of high enough only because they kind of don't care if they kill him oh yeah you know what i mean like there is always a possibility of james spader meeting his maker in this movie and these dudes don't it's not like a oh yeah kick his ass it's like yeah cut his throat well because most of huge difference there's a really huge difference especially for a high school film well because they start off and it's like and that hold-up scene like i don't know the cobra kai they're just beating up like little kids around the neighborhood they're not like trying to steal anything yeah these guys have knives and they're like they have plans to rob people well the other thing is i feel like we meet this gang at a time in

it's like lifespan where the gang it's the top of the pops for these guys no one is coming up against them there's no opposing gang and everyone else in the school seems very cool to just let whatever happen well because they're they're not the jets the sharks of the knives everybody's got a blade this fucking school but no one else stands up to them that's why like when james spader goes what they do is they they have a big circle of cars and whatnot and they take his bike and they put in the middle of it and they're like oh you want your bike back and he starts walking towards him and r dj's like what are you doing right now everyone in the school is like holy fuck he's going to get his bike back like by this time this gang is so powerful everyone has learned to

just let it happen like if they're going to beat the shit out of somebody he can't be helped he walks past the memorial plaque of the last kid that tried to get his bike back and even that is vandalized and no one said shit about it somebody just spray painted tough on it and so you know he gets this bike and whatever and they're like like this chick spray paints him in the face yeah it's really fucked up and they kind of just make fun of them for a little bit and then they're like all right pussy you got your bike back i guess whatever and then here's the this dude with this fucking muscle car that's like, oh wait, he actually had the audacity to get his bike? Well, I'm up. I got to run him down. Well, that's a killable offense. It's like old Detroit, man. They'll fucking kill you for watching TV in the street. I mean, it's really like, and I mean, this guy is like Joaquin Phoenix and Gladiator. He's just like pulling the audience as he's going along. Oh, yeah. He's like, should I give him his bike back and they're all like really terrified

to say anything and he totally does all like, I can't hear you and he's like doing thumbs up, thumbs down. Somebody in the audience, it was another off screen thing that I was like what are you talking about is some girl is just like oh you got out of the way of the car, huh?

Pussy. Yeah, he jumps out of the way he kind of plays chicken with the car. He stares it down and Robert Downey Jr. has to say oh man he's got a death wish. Like just to telegraph it a little bit more so he like you know kind of does a little toro toro with the car and sidesteps out of the way the car hits this bike and again i hate when this happens in

movies like a car hits something and whatever it hits goes straight up in the air 30 feet you see it like there's impact and then it cuts to a shot of the sky and this bike like slowly flies through the frame that's not how that happens and there's always kind of a six million dollar man when it happens. So he goes home and his mom's like, oh, you fucking broke your bike. And he's just giving her the jane. Like being James Spader's teenage mother,

that's a tough one. And like, that's a tough pill to swallow. And then the dad comes in. The dad who is the bartender from Back to the Future three, pretty great character actor. To make some wake up juice. This guy who has a stupid haircut through this whole movie.

And I don't know how these films, makers let this pass because this guy looks like it's like Jeff Daniel's hair and dumb and dumber like it's just a mess and you know he's supposed to be this former like real estate mogul from Connecticut now he's a cab driver

that works nights so the dad comes in because he's you know spader gets into it with this mother and he's like you know oh can you fix your bike son and classic spader he's just like oh yeah dad I'll get on it right after I learn how to walk on water and you're like oh man

teenagers. I mean, that was like the fifth time he's heard one of those today. Exactly. That's his wife. I mean, that's probably why he doesn't even give a shit what his hair looks like at this point. He's got this shit-ass kid. He can't wait to get that fucking taxi cab. That just

escape. What's weird in this the family dynamic here is, you know, because the dad lost the business and they moved across country and they live in this small L.A. house now and whatnot. But there's also this older brother who is kind of still rich and waspy i don't get what's going on here well he's got the good job

but apparently he moved out west with everybody else i don't know how that happened but also fine you have this great job how about supporting your family a little bit they're living in a real slum and he comes in with a sweater tied around his neck like let's make this quick muffies waiting in the car you're like wait a second your priority Orities are out of order. Well, that's the fourth part of this movie. It's a right side of the tracks, wrong side of the tracks movie. Oh, absolutely.

It's your pretty and pink plot. Except the guy, this is what's weird, though, because he's a transplant from the right side of the tracks. Right. So he is put on the wrong side of the tracks and falls in love with a girl who is born and bred wrong side of the tracks. She's at the end of the wrong side of the tracks. I think she lives at a train station. She lives above a fucking liquor store. Yeah, that is the end of the line.

If that liquor store sold guns, it would be that much worse. But that's it. Guns, liquor, lottery tickets, and they'll cash a check for you. And bulletproof glass everywhere. And every, I mean, the guy who owns a building hates it because every six months, the person who's living there kills themselves. And he's got to clean it out. Yeah, he really gets put out by that suicide. Poor old bill.

It's a lot of like he's making him pay in advance. Yeah, and he's like, you know, because I can't rent it a month after. You know, how long it takes to clean off those kinds of stains. Yeah, well, I mean, actually, he might be happy because he gets to keep every security deposit. So now, you know, James Spader wants to cut loose. So Robert Nage, you're like, hey, I'm playing this. and that you should come see me because we're kind of friends now.

And look the fuck out for this a couple of numbers that are coming up. I'm not having a hard time making fun of this movie because it's a bad, stupid movie, but this is a great fucking movie, okay? They go to this warehouse where this band featuring a shirtless R.D.J with a Chippendale's bow tie on

as the drummer. Look out. This shit is great. And the lead singer of this band is Jim Carroll, an accomplished musician, but also the guy that lived the basketball diaries, lived to tell about it. And he is heroin up and playing this music. I feel like this may have been one of those cross-road sets for our DJ. Yeah. Like they went to film this.

They spent a week filming this warehouse concert, and he was hanging out with Jim Carroll possibly. You know what I mean? Oh, no, I'm sure it was. thing like, oh, so you've, so you, uh, you, uh, you hung out with Andy Warhol, huh? Oh, okay. Uh, uh, yeah, this band's pretty good. Okay. And, you know, they play a full song and everybody's dancing along.

The choreography is fabulous. Like, you know, you, this is, it's not like step up revolution kind of, uh, uh, a choreography. Oh, nobody's popping and locking, but I mean, there's. No, but the funny thing is about the choreography is about the choreography. is like they paid when you get choreography you can't just have extra you have to have dancers

but there's also extras so you'll see some hapless fat guys just trying to keep up a little bit a lot of hapless fat guys and actually the bad guy this 45 year old high school student is one of the worst dancers

of all time but he is dancing his art which is weird because okay you're the villain of this movie right you are at this concert fine but you are up in the balcony people are bringing you drinks you're you're you're you're kind of like angerly watching the band i mean you like them but your arms are folded you know what i mean and he is just down there on the floor like

like ah ha ha ha look really cutting loose well he's got him and his underlings he's just like calling out to jim carroll in the middle of the set oh yeah like their best buddy yeah j c and it's jim carroll yeah as himself which compounds the weirdness with all of this i mean he's used to warehouses So Spader comes into this place After stealing a Porsche to get there Cause his bikes all fucked up And that's how he rolls His by the way

His by the way $500 Bicycle show me The mountain bike capabilities Of this little fucking dinky thing He's rolling around him It's got to be at least a 10 speed So he gets to this club

And he's kind of dancing around It's also a weird situation It's, I mean, you know, it's a poorly made movie, but like all the lights are on. It's not like you're at a club. The lights are off and it's all stage lights. It's just full ceiling, you know, industrial fluorescent lights and whatever. So everything's clearly visible. So he's spotted immediately by these hoods.

And then, you know, he takes the break and like, James Spader has a seat. Jim Carroll, Jim Carroll's like, I don't know. You should probably talk about talk to her. He's like, wait, what are you saying? I got to play another song, man. Talk to you later. Well, it's there. You got to go have a cigarette?

No, I got to play music. I'll talk to you later. This is where you get kind of a little bit of an insight into James Spader's life. Because Jim Carroll somehow manages to ask him, like, what is it you? And he's like, oh, I'm from Connecticut. And he goes to R.D.J. And he's like, Connecticut, is this guy for real? And it's like, yep, that's a state.

Like, Connecticut James Brady. You told me you're from Ohio. No, we're doing the scene now. Okay, I got to go. And Spader, he says, you know, what was there to do in Ohio? And, you know, this is where, you know, we learn how this dude lived. He's like, oh, I worked at a yacht club on the weekends. And he's like, that's weird.

All right. Breaks over. I got to go itch my brain. And then they just start playing another song. And this is where Spader. spots this chick at the place and very forcefully is like, we're dancing.

Yeah, it's kind of rape dancing. It's ranting. It's not so much that she doesn't want to dance with James Spader. It's that she knows that fucking Roscoe up in the balcony, you know, after he cashes the social security check, it's going to notice that James Spader's messing with her

and is going to get pissed off about it. And he sends his goons down, but they can't get through the crowd of choreographed dancing. They're doing like different lines and getting in and out it's like that final scene in Greece

Ramma Lama Lama Diggina bough and they're just all like cross on the floor it's criss cross mania and they're trying to get so get out of here move it

well that's what's great these hoods are trying to get to them and like you know fuck up James Spater but you can see all the dancers are getting really indignant

like hey you're messing it up we've been practicing this for months and I mean they get broken up and James Spader gets to shake kicked out of him outside second time in like five minutes this guy does not know how to back down

i just ended they're like all right well now we're going to steal your car which of course is stolen and they got arrested rob dengers's like oh sorry they stole your car and james spader's like i don't even own a car i don't own a car man that's it and then that dude gets pulled over and he goes to jail for like 12 hours like i guess he makes bail you don't really see it it's just like the next day at school and this dude's hanging out again I mean the editing in this movie is fucking atrocious. You don't know what's going on from scene to scene.

But the interesting thing about it is it's incompetently edited but it's also got a really flashy editor. So like the parts where it should be like basic editing like and then this character would logically be here so we have to show this happening

so we'll cut here, put this here. Like normal putting together a movie is very incompetent. but like the transitions are all really flashy and there's a lot of like fast music video cutting at parts oh by the way every sequence we just talked about takes at least 15 minutes like nothing happens that we just stay in these moments forever and there are moments you don't need to stay in like sometimes yeah it's very justified to be like all right just hold it there for a second yep just stay do what you're doing just keep it okay that's great

there's literally a scene where a dude kicks them out of a restaurant and we just hold on this snooty mater D who's just like, mm-hmm You did it, Sandoval. Well, he didn't call it cut yet, so I guess I'll still keep acting. I'll smile and now I'm going to turn around this way. Oh, maybe I'll fold my arms. What else? I can check my watch.

Maybe I'll just look at my shoes for a little bit. Nice shoes. So Spader uses the. time in which this 45-year-old high school student is in the clink to pick up this chick and, you know, kind of try to start something real. Yeah, Robert Donny Jr. steals Nick's car for some reason. They're driving around and they pick up the girlfriend because she sticks in the neck. He's like, all right, let's go to this country club.

It's going to be hilarious. And we're freaking out all the wasps. Mm-hmm. Because I used to be one of them, man. And I hate the fucking guts. Like, they don't know what life is. And also, that's kind of kid. kidnapping again she doesn't want to be in this car she's like let me go let me go it's

uh-uh baby well that yeah it's her friend who's like oh well i want to go because robert danny junior's in the car and like she gets in the backseat with our dj and they start making out like right away and then she's sitting in the front seat like harrumf and again like and this is what i was thinking of by the way we're talking about like soundtrack movies it's like they're doing what easy rider does right it's like we're just going to drive around and play a song and we're looking at shit but this is not the movie this is not the time or the place for this to be happening and they drive all through the la freeway and a song plays the entire goddamn song because it's not america it's like it's not americana

scenery and like landscapes and shit like that it's a fucking macdonalds it's roy's burgers sammy's laundromat it's ugly lairay i ironically enough uh during the filming of this movie james spader and Robert Denny Jr. did acid with Jim Carole in a graveyard. Just because what are you going to show up to the set or something? That sounds boring, man. My mother. Is your soul ever condescended to you, man?

Yeah, so they're driving around. And then so, yeah, he says, let's go to this country club. I'll show you what it's like on the other side. Slash, it's going to be the biggest ironic whoop-de-do you've ever seen. Man, go in places because of ice. ironic reasons. Oh, isn't it great? And here we go. We walk right in this place and he's like, I used to be one of these people. Just do as I say. She says to the one chick, just use the word fabulous a lot. They'll think you're just back from Europe. Oh, my God. Well, it's just, yeah, it's like Reagan's America, man. Let's just fucking thumb our noses at it. That's what you want. Republicans. And let's not, it's just all tennis. That's all it is, because he's pointing a tennis racket at everybody. He's like, oh, this is what they do. And again, I mean, this is, we're coming up to my favorite part of the movie. Oh, man.

And you know what? Yeah, all right, all right, all right. But this takes forever because we have to see all four of these characters, two of which kind of aren't characters, Robert Duned Jr. and his quote-unquote love interest. Let's call her maud. Let's maud there. I mean, she'd almost be dead meat, but she doesn't get fucking killed in this movie. Yeah, it's just left out in the sun, me. But all of them have these, like, hilarious interactions with all these wasps.

They're all, like, obviously improvising their lines. And it's amazing. And it was really tough for director Fritz Kiersch to trim the fat. So he just kind of left it all on the stake. You know what I mean? Well, that's what I kind of feel like this is. I feel like it all came, like, pretty and pink, this, some kind of wonderful. It all came from the same cow.

And they got the slab of meat down. And, like, they're like, lean cutting. here, here's some kind of wonderful here, here's this fucking breakfast club, and here's this and like, here's all the fat. We'll call it tough turf, I guess.

Which ironically is I think what it would be called on the menu if it was a steak. That was just predominantly fat parts. And it's $4. Wow, what a deal! Says obese people everywhere. Howard, the homeless man's favorite meal. So,

So here we are. There's a band playing like a twist and shout that's really terrible. And it's like, oh, man, how ironic. And then they go off at James Spader. This woman still isn't like a James Spader. And he's like, you know what, I got this. He grabs her, brings her on stage. And he's like, all right, those fine people have left.

Now we're going to entertain you. And he starts singing her a song. And you know, man, here's the whole fucking thing. I feel the thunder, I feel the pain, I know the struggles you keep, the nights in the rain. I feel your face, I hear your eyes, I know the nights that you cry, but still. Still, he's crazy. He survived. I walk the night.

I walk the night. Well, now we need to care to dance. Fighting the darkness that breaks our hearts. We hold each other tight. I walk the night. I walk the night. darkness that breaks our hearts we hold each other times I feel your tears I feel your tears I touch

you smile we lick our wounds to light rips through the night we walk the night we walk the night fighting the darkness that breaks our hearts we hold each of the tide we walk the We walk the night We walk the night We walk the night We walk the night We walk the night to we hate movies.

You're welcome. I mean, it doesn't really do it that much justice because the faces Spader is making at this microphone, man. I mean, he is fake painting to hit these notes. He is holding in the world's largest piss during this song. He's just like, he's like, itching his gums with his teeth. He's like, just like, ugh. And this woman is just like falling in love with him.

all over. It's a scene from the fabulous Baker Boys. And I mean, that did it. That was the one. That damn song cracked her. And she's in. She is on board. By the, so what are we supposed to believe about this character? Is this like his move?

Did he improvise this song? Like, that's the thing. You don't see him play an instrument ever again. He's singing a little, he's got the B-Boppelula going on at the beginning. So, I mean, maybe he's talented.

But again, he's just so dark and introspective. You don't know what talents are going to pop out of that black hole. No, I mean, he seems like a philosophy. guy. He's just in his room, reading all these books. Apparently he knows how to shoot a dark

gun, because that's how he kills insects. Yeah, that's another dark turn he has. Yeah, but he could hear her eyes and feel her face and smell her fucking voice. You know, it's just amazing, and it tastes her air.

Like, that's when I was watching this movie. He was like, oh, wait, wait, what is this movie? Like, you know, it's like when your mom comes into a movie, what are you watching? But I was watching it the whole time. I don't know, Ma. Give me a few more minutes. So, like, my left phrase is like, what are you watching? My right phrase, it's like, I don't know. Give me a few minutes because I didn't know. This song just came on, Ma! Also, it's in this scene, during all these, like, riffs and

whatnot, Maude's talking to a couple of these, like, you know, waspy chicks and whatever. They're at the buffet. And she starts talking about, like, dick size and stuff like that. And they keep cutting back to her it's like different penis talk and this that and the other thing and she's like more experienced than a couple of these ladies will put it that way and they you know they're all kind of like agreeing with mod like because they don't want to be left in the in maud's sexual dust you know and at one point it just cuts like you got robert downy junior like talking up some old lady with a fake accent and james spader's like talking shit about some food recipe and playing with a lobster and then it cuts back to this

chicken she's just like you guys swallow right and they're like uh-huh yep yep we sure do yep you're like i really wish spader was singing right now well because every all the other ones makes sense and it's um it's the uh friend it's the one who's making out with rdj who's doing this we're calling her maud that's maud that's maud okay maud keep up get your head out of your ass it's your own goddamn show chris keep up so maud yes she starts

talking and it's this is another one of those things where it happens all the time you're just like what the fuck are you doing she just starts talking about how like oh her ex-boyfriend was an Adonis

he was lovely he was beautiful but I mean his cock was the size of a cocktail weenie yeah oh yeah the pigs in the blanket joke have fine oh good Lord so they get kicked out of this place

after this piano number that's when the snoony mater D comes up and he's He's like, you are not, nor have you ever been members of this all-white organization. There's the door. And here comes the star of the movie, man. We have a nice little walking scene of like, oh, I love you. Yeah, I think we're falling in love.

And they're like, hey, you want to go see another musical act? Yeah, sure. It's about, it's been two and a half minutes. And this is where we meet Jack Mack and the heart attacks. man oh man if you want what do you call him this kind of music because the whole rest of the movie it's all like new wave like you know like it sounds like carsy sometimes

and other things and blah blah blah blah a lot of synth and then all of a sudden it's like just fat guy John Candy music you know what I mean like he's at the resort trying to get his girlfriend back and we're all kind of dancing together oh absolutely it's you heard this music in summer rental and it's very specifically John Candy because, I mean, if it was just fat guy music,

because Rodney Dangerfield's fucking dancing to Oingo Boingo and back to school. He's got Oingo Boingo. He was dancing a journey and Caddy Shack. Rodney was up on the popular muse. I mean, it's all like, you know, dirty Chicago blues from fucking John Candy. I mean, these dudes are like an F-list blues brothers.

Because it's a, it's Jack Mack, who's your big fat guy with a beard, and he's got, you know, he's got a tight shirt on, and then he's got this backing band. Everybody looks like Poindexter from Revenge of the Thirds. With very, they all look like the third guy in ZZ Top in various ways. There's a lot of blonde moustaches. Which is amazing.

Oh, and sunglasses everywhere. But what's amazing is that's what they all look like. But Jack Mack looks like that racist, are you ready for some football guys? He does. If you put a cowboy hat. and aviator sunglasses on that guy he could be on fucking ABC Monday night football oh Jack Mac's ready for some football

Jack Mac is ready for some football I just the process of casting Jack Mack of the heart attacks I just imagine he gets a phone call and he's like uh huh oh you want my band huh you like that's fantastic thanks so much and he just you you pan back

and he's just in an apartment without any furniture whatsoever he's slowly puts the phone down and you're just like tied in on his face. And then up comes a crack pipe and he just lights it. And then as he exhales, he just goes, thank you, Jesus.

Another week. I got another week in L.A. Anything to keep me in L.A. I love the city of angels. Did you know what's called the city of angels? Oh, yeah. Jack McFack. Jack Beck's Big. These dudes rock out.

And again, it's a full fucking number. watching the saxophone guy go back and forth Jack back is fucking tearing it. Kim Richards who plays this Frankie, the love interest there, you know, Ms.

Real Housewife, she's like dancing on tabletops and like patting dudes on the top of the head like she's playing a bongo set. Like, it's put together. I mean, when they do get together, when her a spoiler alert,

they are definitely the couple who likes to watch each other. It's kind of like Mimi Rogers and what's his name in The Rapture. Oh, yeah, her European friend, her curious European friend. Yeah, because he's just like, he's the guy that goes to the dance club,

and I want to watch you dance. And he just kind of stays back. But it's not like, I'm afraid of dancing. It's more like, I kind of like the idea of watching you dance with other people. Oh, yeah. No, there's just a couple of dudes and maybe some ladies,

and they're just taking you places. So we're having this great. I mean, literally, it's a great fucking time because Jack Mac brings it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Any night with Jack Mac is a night to remember. Jack Mac brings bass. You wake up with some queso cheese on your shirt. Some queso cheese. There's some pot resident in your fingernails. And you're like, all right, I guess so Jack Mac. And you're kind of hung over and you're really dehydrated. And you're like, what's that? Oh, warm mountain dew.

Yeah. Okay. And you look at your wallet, the only thing left to your social security card. You're like, Jack! Social security card and an empty condom wrap. You open the refrigerator door and all is in there as a pig's head. There's a pickle jar and all the pickles are still in it, but all the pickled juice is gone?

Jack Max bend to your house. Some reason you keep smelling Tabasca sauce? It's everywhere. It's everywhere. I showered three fucking times. Where is it? And your sister just doesn't take your phone calls anymore, and you never find out why.

And you're never going to. So we cut from the greatest night ever. I wish I was there. To this boyfriend just beating the shit out of this woman. He's throwing her around, you know, because he finds out that she's with Morgan and he's thrown around. And then, like, they kind of make up and they're on the bed and they're kissing. And he starts to make a move.

and she says this. Look, we don't do it until I say it's okay, remember? Now, when you say, I don't, you know, you're only allowed to have sex with me when I say it's okay, remember? That's, that, the R word there is the key word. That's a history I don't want to hear about. That says to me, how many times are we going to do this? It's at least over three incidents.

because if you can like it happens once you're like hey no no happens again you're like you're over this we went over this third one you're like are you fucking serious with this shit and then the fourth one you're like remember yeah it's like you've yelled at him three times so maybe the fourth time if i just try to be like stern but nice kind of like training a dog but he doesn't fucking get it because she lays down on the bed and they mean like again we just cut from like fucking red shirts and like it's like the end of a movie where every the bad da-da-na-da-da-na and then you cut and this woman is just laying on the bed and he's kissing her and she's got the most pained it's the best acting she does in the movie and I wish she didn't do it because it's just like this pained look and his head's going down

and it's going down and off camera and again we hold you hold long enough that you start noticing things you wish you didn't notice like the bruises on her arms and the uncomfortable her looking at the ceiling like if I can just find a point up on the wall it'll be over like and we can't cut away it just makes you keep fucking watching this when I watched this first time I was like we're going to cut to him leaving the room we're going to cut to him leaving the room we're going to cut to him leaving the room oh we're cutting back to jam James Spader? Right back.

James Spader, like, there's a couple of cuts like this where, like, she's having the worst time anyone's ever had. And James Spader should tag it out at his house. Like, things are pretty good in my life. You know what, Albert Einstein poster? I think things are going to be all right. Things were up to a little bit of a rough start when I got to this new school, but we're going to be okay.

I'm just going to go into the locker room now then. So he's in, he's back at school. and now obviously our favorite AARP member has found out about them and they're in the locker room

and they're like changing after a game or something and all of a sudden you notice everybody else is left. Yeah, everybody's getting out again because it's like a goddamn wild west town everybody knows that when you know

45 year old high school bully says scram you're just going to back out and you're not going to say a god damn thing whatever's going to happen's going to happen and it's really horrible because spader is still on cloud nine because they're in that locker room and the radio is on and it's playing some tune and spader's like oh yeah man oh this is a classic tune turn it up and this one guy's like it just like backs away and he's like that's weird someone turn up that radio hey we're all having a good time are we starting the next musical number What's going on here?

Man, let me tell you something. If I'm in a locker room, right, and there's a bunch of dudes around and we're all having a great time and then I just look and everybody's gone but me really fast, I'm getting the fuck out of there. I'm not, I don't care what state of dress I'm in.

I am getting out of Dodge, man, because I'm getting out the window too. I'm not going to the stairs. No, no, no. And because what's going to happen, dudes that have car keys and padlocks in socks are going to sneak up behind you and start beating you private pile style it is a brutal beating the sound effects here are really

great like the thuds of these fucking keys and locks on his body they were definitely using something because you can see those little imprints on his back when it's happening oh yeah again look the the makeup's really good at this point like they just put dents on his back and he's oh god no and that's how much it shows you that they rule this school they are not afraid about bruise right that's why in full metal jacket they use soap on private pile because it does not bruise you put soap in a sock you can go hog wild on a motherfucker he ain't gonna have a scratch on him they don't care that spader looks like that because they run this town that principle's powerless yeah the bearded principle has nothing to do with this and i mean like you look at the the other

80s movie this is again why this wasn't on tbs this scene the scene that came before it like That's why it didn't go into your John Hughes rotation and is part of the lexicon because it's just so fucking weird. Yeah, it just takes these. And it's also weird too because like Spader's got a shirt off, but he's got a pair of jeans on. And he tries to, you know, get away and they whack him. And he goes down on that first one. And he's like on a bench, bent over this bench. And he's trying to pull himself up and they grab them by the jeans and tug on them dungarees, baby.

And like his ass kind of hangs out. I was like, where is this going? Especially after the last thing. I didn't fucking sign on for this shit. I mean, I just watched sleepers. I don't need this at two. And they beat him fucking mercilessly. And the guy goes up to him quietly.

That's why you don't mess with my girlfriend. You know what I say? Message received loud and clear. Oh, yeah. It is not worth it. You want me to break up with her right in front of you, huh? Got it. Done.

I will tell Kim Richards to her face. that I never want to see her again. Oh, and you want me to blame it all on her? Perfect. I got that, too. Money? Got money? This is when you extricate yourself from the situation.

I know we all had a lovely musical number together, but let's just back it up a bit. Yeah, exactly. He's reaching it in his wallet. He's like, all right, I spent last night with Jack Mack. I don't really have much. Take my Social Security card. Jack Back spends big. Where's Jack Mac to say?

I got your buddy Comes in with a two by four Like hacks on Jim Duggan He looks like Yeah he does look exactly like Hacks on Jim Duggan This movie was edited by a dude named Mark Grossman

And I just find it interesting Because we're talking about The weird sex stuff in this movie This dude has cut a lot of hilariously Project Runway episodes recently but prior to that He edited a whole mess a red shoe diary

oh a whole lot of red shoe like a full season of red shoe diaries he was their regular yeah there wasn't like a series director or writer on red shoe diaries but this guy cut the series editor Grossman

he got he had an office he's the only one with an office it's the only one with his name on a door and he makes sure you know on his plaque on his door it makes sure he says red shoe diaries yes so there is a great scene he comes spader comes home and he's all beat up and shit and this shitty mother and she's a shitty mother she's very shitty to james spader in the sense that it's a lot of like well you'll never be your older brother kind of stuff which you know

a kid like that does not need to hear he's difficult enough as it is with how deep he is and everything the only thing you do is it keeps saying i accept you i accept you no matter what 110% So keep on buying them Those Barnes and Noble gift cards Every time you can You just get whatever you want honey Oh you want a library card

Great honey And then every so often You just ask him Hey what's you reading And he says something really long And obscure like hey interesting And move on I heard that a half an hour

Yeah exactly Well bye So he's in his room And the mother says to the father Like listen he's shitting around in there I don't know what's going on You want to try to talk to this kid or what But so the dad walks in.

And I mean, there he is with the worst haircut the world's ever seen. And he tries to lay down some fatherly advice. And he's asking, he sees all the bruises and everything. And he's like, you know, were you into, you know, whatever it is, can you handle it? You know, do you know what you're doing? All this stuff starts getting into life and everything, right? And this line that this dude says is really fantastic. And it's kind of, I've read some things about the movie here and there.

and including Roger Ebert's review, they all quote this fucking thing, and it's this. Life isn't a problem to be solved. It's a mystery to be lived. What? What? Thanks, dad. What?

I'm going to go find some answers in one of my philosophy books, okay? Because that makes no fucking sense. He's, I mean, he's basically saying, like, no, I can't help you. This dad kind of will be wishing that he could have helped him out in about 10 minutes. Yeah.

Well, because I think he felt, I think that that father, like, for a while now has been trying to, like, he gets little ideas of what to tell him, like, advice to give him in his head. And he's like, how is he going to listen to me? I'll say it's, like, I'll say it's quoted from Albert Einstein and so. And so he's been trying to do that for years. But now he's so, you know, he's read so much that he can call him out on every single one of them. He didn't say that. Dad.

No, that's in a book I saw. It's a good one. Stephen King? Nice try, Dad. Yeah, Faulkner said, always keep your head out. When barn burning, always keep your head up. Yeah, he edits those down. So, again, as opposed to staying as far a fuck away.

I mean, look, it's high school, man. you'll find somebody else it's totally fine i saw that opening dance number at that school it is a babelicious student body just move on but no he's got to keep it's it's the death wish man in quotation mark yeah absolutely i mean i think it's honestly because he just likes fucking with people like i'm sure he's got feelings for frankie but he kind of just likes fucking with this dude all the more You know what I mean? That's why he's an unsettling character because he's so close to a sociopath.

Yeah. You're just taking a little right turn into sociopath. We cut to her. She's trying on a bunch of clothes. And James Spader, because he's got no fucking common sense, he's like, hey, you want to come to my family's house for dinner tomorrow? Yeah, sounds great. You're fucking, you're in crutches.

Also, it's kind of weird. It's the first instance, technically, because we're talking 85 right here. and I think I have my years correct We have a boom box Outside of a Broad's window Yeah Because she's trying on these clothes And she's saying all the rich people lines all over again

And kind of pretending that she doesn't live above a liquor store I mean that's her fucking life man No I know But then so she starts hearing this rock and roll out the window And she's like people get killed for less outside this liquor store And she walks out There's Spader with this little radio and she's like turn that shit off what are you doing and again we walk the night get out of here spader

there are several instances where this does feel like west side story like we're talking about the jets and the sharks but also that dance scene is very much like the school dance towards the beginning of west side story and now this scene where he climbs the fire escape and goes up to her window and everything and sneaks in and they're in the bedroom and then the fucking boyfriend is on the other side of the door and he does not have patience for locked doors. So, you know, she finally says

yes, he runs away and Nick comes in and he's got a bottle of champagne. You're like, well, this can't be good. And this is my weapon for tonight. Oh, God. And your father's like, congratulations, you're getting married. And it's like, are you fucking kidding

me, old man? I had to pause Netflix. I got up, did a lap around the living room, cleared my head, and then sat back down. Because what are you doing? What on earth? You know, and I get it too. I mean, Homeboy's 45 years old. He's no spring chicken.

He's got to lay something down, you know, before he's got one foot in the grave. But she's like 17 years old. And this dad comes in like, I'm finally marrying off my daughter. Like, she's some 30-year-old spinster. Well, it's been long. This old man that owns this liquor store thinks he's living in 1650. Like, you old bitch!

You old 17-year-old sea hag bitch. Your values dropping by the day. I'm not going to even get a mule cart for you. What a shitty dowry you'll give me. God damn it. I stole your dowry, Joe, do you like? Let's go for a dowry.

I'm sorry. I was also going to make a Downton Abbey joke Jack Mac of the Doweries Yeah, I'll buy your daughter All right, cool So he's got this

Champale Yeah, he does And this guy's like, oh, I'm coming in a whole bunch of money Which doesn't make any sense And this, I mean, yeah, he's acting Like he's marrying his daughter off the fucking George Clooney. He's like, oh, man, what a catch, right?

And meanwhile, this dude is chugging the champagne out of the bottle. Like, oh, this is great. He's got a fucking court date coming up. Like, a lot of shit. He's not wearing his shirt, by the way. I apologize. He's just wearing a vest. A leather vest and a cross around his neck.

He's dressed like a warrior, like one of the fucking warriors. Or what of fucking Al Pacino's friendlier people in cruising? Yeah, he's the dude that's got the courtesy to put Vaseline all the way up his forearm. Woo. Cruzen, directed by William Friedkin. So she's not too happy about this. She's not about this marriage. What's shitty news.

And I mean, like, again, she's like, well, I have no choice. Better hug him. And then we cut, and then we're, you know, there's a thing at school and he's like, wait, you're fucking getting married. I guess. See you at dinner tonight. Well, that's what's great. He's like, what's this about marriage? Also, are you still coming over for dinner?

Because we bought food for four people. My mother's going to be furious. We're not rich anymore. We like to pretend we are. We're not rich. So she comes over for dinner and it's, and like we kind of pretend she's not engaged anymore. And it's like, oh, my God, my girlfriend's coming over. and like she's from the wrong side of the tracks

but now we're from the wrong side of the tracks too but we act like we're not uh-huh yeah and it's shitty too because the dad is kind of like chastising you know the mother like could you stop being a piece of shit to him for eight seconds he's finally openly excited

about something and she's just like well I think he could be putting his time elsewhere like school or yachting and he was like oh so she comes over we'll have a dinner We're having this abnormally crunchy dinner. I don't know.

We were praising the folie editing before, but these sound effects, like, listen to this. I'm sorry, here we go. Listen to this. Now, no, no, no, wait. Yeah, we'll listen to it. But when you listen to this, just try to guess what they're eating. There's the sound. And the answer, if you guessed rocks, you're wrong, because it's chicken nuggets.

She's grinding pebbles in her mouth like a caveman. This hoity tooty meal, by the way. And it's such bullshit because, again, it's chicken nuggets, okay? And she's eating this chicken nuggets. And the mother is giving her this death stare. And you're like, what's the problem? It's chicken nuggets. And Spader, like, kind of looks at his fork like, she wants her to use a fork.

And I'm like, what the fuck for? It's a chicken. It's clearly a chicken nugget. I eat this meal with my hands every time. KFC. I don't understand why this is different. Well, excuse me, your majesty. But it's going along fairly well. She's really

awkward and quiet. She's actually probably one of the best actors in this movie. Well, I mean, like Spader's really good, but she plays like awkward, I don't know how to be around adults, teenager really well. Oh, Kim Richards? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And so she's doing that, and like the mother's like, oh, have you ever been to the Rose Garden? It's like,

uh, and it's like, oh, we'll have to go sometimes. Me, you and your mother, and everything stopped. dead stops dead and she she drops like wine on herself oh my god and runs and James Spader's like her mother's fucking dead mom thanks for nothing and like the one's like the fuck should I know that is not my responsibility and technically all things considered yeah you know she didn't know but you know what this lady's been such a massive pile of human garbage through the rest of this movie no sympathy from Andrew I felt conflicted because like yeah the entire time she's just been giving him shit for nothing like oh 500 dollar bicycles

that doesn't have any insurance well no bike insurance what and then finally finally she gets it thrown right in her fucking face and it's for something that she couldn't have had any idea about so you know Frankie flees the house

she runs off and is immediately picked up by this rapist because he's been fucking hanging outside the house spying in through the window on their dinner and this is where he gets really sociopath because he's like oh hey didn't know you were here

me and the boys were just out for a drive what are you up to come on get in the car we'll have some fun tonight playing it nice and cool because he's doing it and he's kind of almost playing it right because he's like oh those rich people treated you're on huh want to want to go drink in a shitty car

all right yeah let's go drink come on let's drink you don't need chicken you don't need crunchy chicken nuggets let's have some wild turkey in my fucking beat up camaro so they go drinking and driving and one of their favorite pastimes is harassing people that wait outside her dad's liquor store and there they pull up and he's like oh perfect there's one why don't you go ask him for some change they're old change gag because this is what happened with the guy at the beginning the bus station she's like he got changed for a five it's kind of funny because they're like oh what do you want to do tonight he's like i want to kick up some dirt and one of the guys like finally and that's

what i felt too is like aren't you guys a gang you have been ganging around for a while you have a dirty gang shit well they were in jail for you know 20 minutes there but isn't the uh insinuation that he's hunting for spader's father yeah he's driving around all that it's like kind of light out it's like six o'clock in the morning at this point and he's just like look because they there's a couple of shots of taxicabs and it's like they goes to taxi cab back to uh nick and he he's looking he's very clearly you're right he's very clearly looking in cabs and by the way again the editing in this movie we just left that guy at his house having crunchy chicken nuggets there's nothing about the editing in this movie that tells me they drove around for what seven hours and then found this dude working nights as a cab driver it does not make any sense that they cut the scene out where he put like a bunch of his crunchy soup into like a Tupperware and brought it with him

for the night and his crunchy corn so she's like oh wait oh that's Morgan's father and she's like hey wait a minute and she like

runs out to warn him and they're like uh-uh and they beat the shit out of this guy so now all right like in a normal

high school you know revenge movie bullies love triangle Robert Downey Jr. gets a shit kicked out of him right it's like a thing where they find Robert Duny Jr

they beat the shit out of him and then he goes to the hospital like get him for me man that makes sense you don't go after somebody's father no a dude who this guy has never met nope you know

they have no history I mean I don't even know if he got a good look at him through the living room window and he was spying on their crunchy dinner I mean it's definitely I mean he's escalating this is Capone type behavior get their families get the dogs get the fucking house they live in

burn it to the ground And William Zabka from Karate Kid would not go after De La Rousseau's mother, all right? No way. He leaves his sacred territory. And he, they're beating the shit of this guy's dad, but he's kind of holding his own to the point where he off and he kicks him all off, right?

And he kicks Nick into a car. And you're like, all right, dad, you got this, dad. Uh-oh, what's that? Nick's got? Oh, it's a big revolver, huh? This guy pulls out like a Joker pistol. I mean, it's like two feet long. And you're like, well, where's this going?

and he blows them the fuck away. He shoots this dude twice in the chest. And this guy and his comically terrible haircut, go down hard. And you just, again, this is when you pause the movie and do some laps in your living room. Like, but wait, it was just a dance movie, right? It was a dance movie. He was riding a bike. You know, I'll go in the kitchen.

I'll fill up the soda stream. I'll come back in here. Change a light bulb or something. Like, let me check my email. I'm going to check my email again. Okay, all right. I'm going to call my mother. That's what's going to happen.

I'm going to see what she thinks about all this. Because where could this possibly be going at this point? Cut to the hospital and somehow this man lives through two in the chest, which, whatever. Collapsed a lung. This dude takes two right in the heart. He's like three feet away and it's a magnum. This man should not be allowed to live. He's ignoring the fact that he's 62 and his hair is 53.

Yeah, okay, like maybe you shoot like an Olympian from that distance with that gun twice where you do. You know, maybe Michael Phelps is coming out of this, okay? This guy, this cab driver. He's a two pack a day, man, if there ever was. Absolutely. He picked smoking back up during the ride from Connecticut to Los Angeles. He's eating chicken nuggets every night. Oh, yeah.

So much processed food. So it's like by the bedside and it's not even, I'm going to get them, dad. It's just like, hang in there, buddy. Oh, hey, my girlfriend's here. See you later. It's like, what the fuck? And classic we hate movies favorite, somebody call the police. There's no police in Los Angeles once again.

Well, I think I solved this one. I think that the wardrobe people, they were like, okay. we got to order what a dozen cop uniforms we'll get them here and then we got the cops coming in they got you know talk to the father whatever three weeks passes you know we're coming up on the scene where the cops have to come into the hospital and talk to the father and um have you seen the hats the billy clubs any of the no no they they check the fucking usPS and it's fucking somewhere in bangladesh oh yes something went wrong with the costume the united states Postal Service sent something to Bangladesh.

It's been three weeks the show. That's the next day. It comes in. Oh, my God. This is terrible. But I found the order for him in the living room. And it's like, oh, I left it there. I never sent it. These fucking interns have sunk this picture. Well, we'll skip it, I guess. 20 years from now, there's going to be somebody making fun of the fact that there's no cops in this movie.

But all right. So I'm in high school. And I'm James Spader. I can actually handle myself in a fight and like somebody's fucking with me. I want to get his girl and I'm like, I'll fucking fight that guy. He has three friends with pipes. Okay. I still kind of really like this girl. Maybe

maybe in a universe. I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to fight this guy and we're going to be romantic rivals. The second that guy shoots my dad in the chest, I'm going to the cops. It's just time that's attempted murder, pal. And that solves all your problems also. Oh yeah. This dude and

you know, whatever. We're getting to the end of the movie here. The cops never come into this movie. It doesn't get handled the way it should get handled, which is also the easy way. So, you know, as you would do, your dad's in the hospital, your family's torn apart, everybody hates your guts. You know, you should probably be calling the police, but maybe if you don't want to call the police, think about getting revenge on this dirt back. Now, you know what? Stop for a second and just fuck this trick for an afternoon. Well, you've earned it, I guess. I mean, at that point, what else are we doing here? And it is a hairy, sexy. Because this actress has a lot of hair, right?

It's cramped, it's down to her ass. I would watch how you phrase that. We're in the 1980s. No, no, I mean, I don't mean Harry like, oh, man, you know, Bush. I just mean, this girl's got a lot of head hair, and it's taken up the whole frame. It looks like two chickens fucking. All you can see is all these feathers. They're just pushing against each other.

And, you know, Spader's got a nice quaff on them. Absolutely. By the way, this is where you see, and you kind of notice it earlier in the movie, but you definitely get a good glance at here. James Spader has a spade tattoo on his arm, and that shit is totally real. I was looking at some screencaps from some other early Spader movies, and that tattoo is front and center. Yikes.

If you had a last name that sounded like one thing, would you get that one thing? would you get that one thing like chris would you get a small house tattooed on your arm a little a cottage yeah okay yeah chris cottage like you know you know you have a nice little abraham lincoln you know house i mean i mean i mean that's the problem is because i have the abraham lincoln portrait on my stomach so you get abe lincoln's you know wooden cottages little log cabin off on the side i mean it's It makes no goddamn sense. I feel like Steven Soderberg was like, quit this shit. Just get it off.

I got you nude in this fucking movie. Just get rid of it. So, you know, now it's on. And this dude, basically, we got to get the end of this movie. Spader drops this chick off for her shift at the liquor store on his bicycle. They have a little kissy kiss, have a nice afternoon. You know, maybe I'll fuck you again tomorrow. Maybe if my dad dies, I'll really need you.

And the dad's still trying to sell her on Nick, when she comes in, the first one said I was like, well, you know, Nick, you know, he's under a lot of pressure at his job there or something. I mean, he picked up that Porsche. I mean, he might do a dime for that. You're going to have to support your husband while he's in prison. I gave

him to him. What are you on for me? And thankfully, Nick shows up and he's throwing this woman around and he throws her around twice. The dad doesn't move. He slaps her. Then the dad's like, all right, Nick, let's take it down one notch. How about it? How are we supposed to be best buds if you're going to do this to my daughter?

Like, are you going to abuse her a little bit, but don't do it right in front of me. Come on. Nick, Nick, right before we were going to do the father-son fishing trip together. Really? I know we're all human, buddy. So he takes this old man and throws him into a stack of liquor bottles. And it's pretty funny. It's a Superman to throw it to something.

It's a destroyed bill. building. Nick body slams. Like, she gets the fucking rock bottom done on her. She hits the ground. He flips out. And then he makes her call James Spader. Who's making tea, by the way? Again, it's this thing where he's like, you know, things are kind of working out here. It's not going to be so bad. Finally had sex with my girlfriend. My dad still got 12% brain activity. All right. Let me make a little tea.

A little bit of tea. And so then, like, she calls and, you know, she's like, listen James Spader he's going to kill me if you don't stop fucking around with me and then this dude gets on the phone and he's like warehouse 6 p.m. settling this we set up everything that we need to set up with one quick pit stop of this James Spader walks into some random apartment that we've never seen before there's a character we've never met but it's really obvious we've totally met him in a deleted scene absolutely because you know like James Spader

walks into this apartment. He's like, oh, hey, Arbogast. This dude's got a couple of dogs. And he's like, oh, hey, is Robert Downey Jr. here? And Arbagast is like, no, I haven't seen him since the last time we all hung out. Remember that time we got pizza together? No, I don't Arbagast. Right after you met Jim Carole. You mean, you got to remember it. It was just a couple weeks ago. And they just, he leaves a note for R.D.J. and books it. And he goes to this warehouse. And this is where he gets all Batman. Like, he sneaks in they're holding her hostage it's just it's just this dude Nick and like two other

three other goons of his he's had two goons they've multiplied into four goons because there's two goods at the beginning you haven't seen for four an hour and a half oh that's right the dude with the car antenna and other guy I mean it's kind of like station they like separate and then they can go back together

station oh station man that is the worst fucking movie stay dude so you know he starts like taking these guys out like Batman you know one by one very stealth like he's got a dart couple of dart guns that he's hitting people with and all this shit his leather jackets made out of memory cloth I mean James Spader outright swings on a rope and kicks this Nick guy right in the heart like it's a Batman move yeah and I mean this fight kind of goes

on forever it just first he fights everybody off and it looks like oh my God they finally like he fights everybody off it's kind of what they do with his dad they just kind of overpower him and nick grabs his gun and he's about to blow him one and you're like oh my god in comes it's the best fucking entrance he's made this entire story career absolutely oh no this is much better than iron man robert daddy junior with a fucking i don't even a rot while art each arm he's like hey hey he's like hey cool it and he has these two things and he sold it like he sold them really straight and he lets them go and the dogs know exactly what to do. That's why we know

that James Spader has hung out with R.D.J. Arbogast and these hounds in some deleted scene because these dogs know not to attack James Spader. Because if they hadn't hung out and had pizza, how would they have known which

guy to attack? It's like, how do you leave such a hole in your movie? There's that scene where they order the pizza, and they're the backyard and like Robert Downey Jr. is picking off pieces of pepperon. only from one slice and he's given it to the dog.

That's how we get it all done. That's how we've swept that clean. It's my favorite Deiasek Smokina. It's the third act super dog. You'll see that in your hills have eyes where it's just like, wait, where did this super dog come from? Well, I'm with it.

Because these dogs are chasing them all around. One guy is so afraid of these dogs. He jumps out a window and the dog says, fuck it and follows him. This dog's kind of at the end. of his dog career and he's like I'm going to go out swinging I'm going to go out biting he jumps out this

window that dog doesn't know what kind of a drop he's dealing with he's taking that guy straight to hell oh you think I'm afraid of a little hell huh and just jumps you never see that dog or that man again so it's quite possible they did indeed go to hell

that throat is mine so blah blah blah James Spader throws this guy off a you know big drop like fucking Harvey Dent. Robert Denner, he gets shot in the knee or whatever. He instantly gets shot right. It's like right in the thigh. It's hilarious. He's like,

ha ha! Dogs! And before the dogs can get to them, Nick's like, ha ha, gun! And he's, you know, can't help at all. Bob, gun. Gun, Bob. So he's dead. And, you know, they kind of, they have a little

you know, moment there of like, oh, holy fuck. that's definitely the most dangerous thing that's happened to any of us what could we possibly do after this fade to black and then we hear this oh jp is that who i think that is

that same woman i saw the other night mark oh lord everybody's got a treat go to the tables i think i do the hand bull that I'm a cheer for nurses, too, because this girl is fine. Oh, yeah, we are right back where we want to be. And it's great. And it's their fucking cheers moment, man, because Jack Mack is like, oh, they're back, baby.

Oh, clear the dance floor. Here they come. He's got, like, put up his son guys. Oh, it's her. Oh, she's back. Everybody get ready for the show. Do I believe my Jack Mack eyes? Yes, I do.

Hit it, boys. This fucking tough turf theme. song is fantastic. This movie has two titular songs. Absolutely. There's a tough turf song and too tough. It's got to be some sort of a record. A shitty record, but it's a record.

And I mean, they walk in, they're strutting around. The last time we've seen them, like, both of them. Bloodied, battered, bruise, really bad. No, the next scene is the hospital. Yeah, exactly. Or we're outside the warehouse where we've got blood. Police blankets were sitting there drinking coffee, you know, RDJ's on a stretcher. And he's like, oh, you know, you owe me one, man.

One of those kind of ended. Yeah, exactly. You know, John McLean realizes that Jeremy Irons went to Canada for some reason. God, that's a stain on that movie. That's a PSBS right there. Oh, absolutely. Well, the deleted scene is even better. Not a conversation for right now.

So they walk into this place, Spader's fucking swinging a pocket while. Yeah, I mean, they're out for a night on the town. Robert did you do has a cast like it's like that makes everything better no it does yeah that's the only thing that's happened you know Kim Richards walks in like man I hope my life stays just like this sure hope I don't turn into an old crusty nothing on a Bravo television show well RDJ walks in and it's not even like he's lit he has the cast on but he's not limping he's walking normal no no no he's totally he's kind of dancing like everybody's kind of dancing and now it's like then we're in the credits and the whole credit sequence is is them having fun with the heart attack. They are on stage. The last shot of the movie is Robert Downey Jr. playing a saxophone. And everybody else's got a trumpet or some shit.

And everybody else is pretending to play the saxophone. And Jack Mack's like, all right, man. This party's going to go all night. If you want to dance, Jack Mack make you dance. Jack Mack need some cocaine. In all seriousness, Jack Mac needs some cocaine. Jack Mac's the kind of guy you're partied with. And you, like, you know, when you go to sleep,

when you're hanging out and partying and so it starts waking up hey man we're not done yet you're not going to sleep are you jack max all right where can jack mac get some rotissory chicken how do you think i can get for an old xbox on ebay these days how much you give me to drink all this pickle juice he is one of those guys that makes up annoying food concoctions and does the old how much for me to eat this yeah he's always asking you to dare him do something for money oh yeah oh my god and that's tough turf oh my god i'm gonna start it off i think it's the strongest recommend i have for this entire project of 90 some odd episodes in a couple of many episodes tough turf's my favorite out of all of them it's a week recommend for me um it can't be the

talk because on deadly grounds got the top that's so that's just that that's a conversation that's been called already. Uh-huh. Okay. But, uh, I mean, it's, it keeps your attention, mostly because of spader, I'd say. Um, and I mean, it's just goofy enough to work. Mm-hmm. But yeah. Well, I'll tell you, Chris Cottage, you are on my bad side. This movie, I legitimately liked it. It's not to the point where I'm like, you know, I don't know what we're doing here. No. I mean, I know what we're doing here. But let me tell you, I catch this movie on again. I'm going to watch it. I had a legitimate time with this movie.

This fucking soundtrack is great, solid, shitty 80s music, which I love, big sucker for it. And that fucking Jack Mack, man, he is an entertainer. And he entertained me all of the eight scenes that he had in this movie. I kind of wanted the movie to Iris out on him with just a ham bone in his teeth. But, you know, Steve, I agree with you. You know, we're almost at 100 episodes of this program. And, you know, 500 years from now, when they dig up the We Hate Movies mainframe from some ice block, I want this to be the one where the aliens are like, man, they loved that fucking tough turf.

And then they put it on and they're like, man, this race of people was stupid as fuck. Do you get it? Wait, is she getting raped? Reliilar, come here. I think this woman's getting raped. What happened to the fun music? Kremelak, have you ever known someone to live above a liquor store like that? So that was a lot of fun, huh?

I want to watch the movie right now. I'm going, I guarantee you, I am going to watch this movie this summer. It's going to happen. It's a good summer movie. It's been about two years since I've seen it. Yeah, I haven't seen it since we did it. Can you believe that episode is episode number 97? 97 on the chart.

It's just falling down. Can you believe that James Spader went from this hunky debonairm young man to an old, heavy woman on the blacklist I still have not finished the first season of that show Oh it's worth it's worth the watch I just love that he's just killing people I mean speaking of killing people

Doing the James Spader math of what He looked like when he was 30 To now I'm gonna be 948 pounds When I'm 60 years old Yeah we're all finished Just dead if it can happen to spader Yeah we should go out on top Jans

I think this While you're listening to this, we might already be dead. Entirely possible. This is filmed in the past. Well, you're on your magic weekend at Bernie's Esk Hampton's vacation. Who knows what's going to happen to you out there? Maybe the twist is on the corpse people playing with. People are playing with my dead body now.

And a revelation, I'm seeing something from the future. Oh, what? It looks like listener request month is coming back. Oh, shit, dude. November. 2014 2014 your picks on the air

we'll probably open the phone lines when we come back yeah I'd wager like sometime pretty soon to get those calls in I'm just imagining now like just like opening a convenience store

that's been closed for the weekend there's like some dust some places you just got those jangly keys oh yeah totally you're seeing like if someone remembered to turn the hot water off

they didn't it's just been on wasting gas. Yeah, that's going to be pretty exciting. Oh, shit, we left Chris Cabin in that car. Oh, well, he's long dead. He's so hot. We didn't even crack the window.

Oh, fuck. So there's another news lately, too. Yeah, it is. Thanks, Steve. It's in the future now. Well, it's in the future. It's in the news now. Hopefully terrible parents stop doing it by the time this airs.

Probably not, though. Don't worry. I remind everyone. I've reminded everyone about it. Oh boy It's your egg on my face Good thing everyone's done laughing The episode's over with

Oh yeah But now you can go back to thinking about death So that's it We got How many more of these You're up next pal Oh it's me, that's right I'm not going to leave a hint

I'll say it's from a spooktacular Yeah It's kind of a hint Yeah it's a hint Yeah it's from one of our spooktacular So that's like 12 episodes for you to go through Well, thank you very much, and we'll see you next week.

And by that, I mean, in a couple weeks when we come back from vacation.