We Hate Movies - S5: Animation Damnation #16 - ProStars

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

On this episode of We Hate Movies' Animation Damnation the guys are joined by friend and WHM Disaster Movie Expert, Justin J. Case, as they wrap up "WHM Michael Jordan's Hubris" week with a conversation about the absolutely horrendous 1991 mistake, ProStars! Was anyone shocked when Michael Jordan couldn't be bothered to film any of the live action interstitials? Who made the decision to make The Great One into a food-crazed dummy? And what is with that walking Jewish stereotype of a weapons expert? PLUS: Bo knows bad breath!   Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

So, Steve, I think you've been on every episode of animation damnation. I'm pretty sure. The show was your idea. let me ask you this is this the single worst cartoon we've ever talked about on this? It's the single worst cartoon ever made. I really unless

unless when I go back and find that MC Hammer cartoon with his talking shoes if that happens to be worse. Oh my god that was a thing? Oh yeah he had a cartoon it was very similar to this I don't think he did the voice it was just like at the height of his popularity which was one day

and just in case are you guys don't do that. We do this intro differently. Well, you didn't do an intro. Oh, you just go right into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, so, so this is a perfect segue. So welcome to animation damnation. I'm Andrew J.upin, alongside Stephen Seda, Christopher Cabin, and Justin J. Case, we're talking about an episode of the show called Pro Stars. The episode in question is the first one. The Slugger Returns, which originally aired September 14th, 1991. But let me ask you something about this,

Hamer thing. Because I just, I need to know one thing and only one thing on. And it does, it does reference what we're talking about today. Does MC Hammer have a villain that references a Stanley Kubrick film? Not that I remember. You know what? Probably not. Full metal hammer.

I don't know. Full metal ratchet. Maybe he's like a, uh, that's a robot. Either or, man. Yeah. No, the villain in this. episode is Clockwork

La Rage? Good God. And at one point he just gives up the French and calls himself Clockwork Orange. They were like

Oh, the kids are so stupid they won't know what that means but they won't know what a clockwork orange is but you know

what I'm writing this episode it's like you know what I want to name my villain after a movie that's filled with

violence and rape and sex clockwork orange is the name of this villain check keep writing screenplay Um, we could just call them Dougout.

The villain of my cartoon is going to be eyes wide Chuck. I don't know what he does. The name's Chuck. He's a bad guy. And it's his... Scary linden. His hideout is a place called the shindig. Oh, so this cartoon, Steve, please explain to the folks.

Some people were... And by the way, we should mention... that this is coming out the same week you know this is happy Friday everybody this is coming out on our space jam week what we're calling space jam week it's space jam week on we hate movies absolutely and the connection is as follows

it's a cartoon in which Michael Jordan Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson are a superhero team that called the pro stars called the pro stars and they live in kind of a hall of justice-esque place

with a sexy teenage girl and a Jewish grandmother's stereotype. And Elder Rosenstein. I mean, I don't... It's a boxing gym. If you look at the exterior, it's a run-down boxing gym. It's called Mom's gym. And

mom is... was drawn by like fucking Goebbels. I mean, I swear to God. This is like propaganda. I mean, the schnaz on this character. It's unbelievable. It's not that. It's the schnaz. It's the voice. She's complaining about money

constantly. All the time. What the fuck. Fly and fuck. It comes as the first episode is the introduction to the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, she's a gadget lady. So she's, yeah, like, like, I was like, whoa, that's really, like, I hope they don't up, they've already mentioned money. Oh, wow. Before you finished. I wasn't even, I wasn't even done being offended before they re-offended me with another thing that I couldn't imagine they would do.

So, this cartoon is, it's the height of. Look, it makes perfect sense. These were, like, the biggest sports, kind of... In America, you're up. Well, I mean, we've got Michael Jordan. We've got the great one. And Bo Jackson, I mean, Bo Jackson was a great athlete. He wasn't the biggest guy in baseball.

I mean, I guess maybe Cal Ripkin Jr. What, 92? Help me out here, JJ. I was a baseball guy so. Get a, maybe a Don Mattingly in there? Why not? He was my favorite baseball player as a kid. Well, you know, Bo Jackson is...

gets, it's cheap because you get two sports and one exactly, he could be football and baseball. Yeah, you're totally right. They draw him right it out as fuck too. So it's, every episode starts with Oh, this is bullshit.

It's like, it's the pro stars. And the theme song is a rip off of We Will We Will Rock you. Parts of it are. Yes. Like this first episode isn't though. It's a, it's a different sounding one. Yeah, it's, it's, I mean, it's terrible, but it's just like, Michael goes and dunks to the hoop, and Wayne is playing hockey.

Well, it's Michael Jams in your face. Boehrakeways. And it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a baseball card theme. So it's a baseball card with real Bo Jackson, and then it goes, baseball card, Wade Gretzky, that it says Michael Jordan, but Michael Jordan, it did not do a fucking thing for this. It's incredible. It introduces the name, and then the actor greets you. Yeah, like Bo Jackson's like, Bo knows something about to. Bono's cartoons.

That's what it is. And this first one, it's amazing. I watched the second episode, and they change what the great one says. But Bo, it's, yeah, Bo knows cartoons. And then it's like, Daneer, nah, Neer, Wayne's doing something. And it cuts to Wayne Gretzky, and he just goes, yeah. And it cuts away. That was totally like, do you want to?

a glass of water or something? Yeah. Well, because it's live action footage of each of these guys. Yeah, in like some weird like cheap documentary interview setting. But I kind of think these guys are lazy. Like, why not just like go up like right when like Jordan's going into

like going to practice? Yeah. And like he's going from the bus to and you just have a guy with a camcorder. Yeah, just get a shot of him going in. Do you want to do your cartoon bit for three seconds, Mike? No, I'm busy. Do you think he had a bus? Did you think he had any idea that this was made?

Or was this struck entirely by his agent and handled by his accountant? And it was like, like, oh, where did this money come from? Don't worry about it, Michael. You're a celebrity. Do you mind if we use your likeness for anything at all? Yeah, seriously. I would not be surprised if he had no idea this existed. So the structure is you start with live action interviews of two of the three pro stars.

And they introduce what the episode's about. one it's about a little kid who quits playing baseball just about the same time his father gets kidnapped so the kid blames himself thinking the dad was upset whatever it's oh and two but the premise of the like the whole thing though is kids send in videos to the pro stars and then the pro stars I guess just select from a stack of tapes which one they're going to play and it's like kids that need the pro stars help because the whole thing is when the theme song's over it's Bo Jackson going, it's all about

helping kids. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Let's put the kidnapping the murder towards the top of the queue. How about that? How about that just randomly picking one and saying I don't know, this team needs bubble gum this week. You know what though, but that's unfair because you are not allowed to

prioritize what's more important. You have a bunch of unmarked BHS tapes. One says mom locked in basement next time says bedwetting. He's like, Up next. Bo does not know about wetting the bed. That sounds gross. So, but the interview section I do want to talk about for a second is they're like, oh, you know, and it's like, what's your favorite this?

And like, it's just really like, it's like, you know, kind of. Is this at the beginning or the end of the episode? But the one of my talk about it is the beginning. Oh, okay. They're referencing quitting sports. And they're like, hey, have you ever wanted to quit? And they asked Bo Jackson. And he's like, no, you know, I just always believed in myself.

self and I worked really hard. Like, hey, wait, Gretzky, did you ever want to quit playing the hockey? Incredible. And he's like, yeah, well, there was this one time where there's some political situations of me being a kid and, uh, cut. And it's like, wait, what, what? He's attempting

to air decades old dirty laundry on a cartoon no one's going to watch. It's outrageous. Mr. Radoowski, Coach Radoowski really rode me. He doesn't have that I'm just up for the camera doing like a kid's interview.

He's got like a Charlie Rose interview face on. You could just see them. People's faces, you know, when they're being serious, change, right? He's got like, well, yeah, I'm at one point when I was about 12 years old. Like something happens while being framed by a cartoon trading card. And he's just digging these skeletons out of the closet. It's amazing because I imagine there was like maybe some. ice hockey footloose that he was part of.

Like there's a town in which nobody can play ice hockey and he moved there. But that's what I love is he specifies that it's like pee-wee hockey. And like hockey players start young. So like he's dealing with whatever these politics are at like 10. And he's still, he's the greatest hockey player that's ever lived. And he's holding on to this grudge. I love it. And I mean, so let me cut to the episode.

And the episode is, yeah, we watch a video of this kid being like, my dad was kidnapped and I quit baseball and like, all right, bro, stars, assemble. We'll fix those in due process. So let's get you back of the field. First things first. And it's, you know, we meet mom and it's the worst thing that ever happened to anybody. Oigavolt, is it ever? It's really, like, who had an axe to grind on this staff?

Let's move, boyos. Let's move on. And so then it's like, we got to go to, like, what is it, like, the national sports Museum. Marv Albert here at the National Museum of Sports. And that's Marv Albert doing the Mar-V Albert voice. None of the athletes are voicing themselves.

Wayne Gretzky, in this cartoon, is voiced by the dude who did Michelangelo and the original Ninja Turtles. And they portray Wayne Gretzky as this like Garfield-esque party dude who's constantly eating. Yeah, all the time.

Well, it's kind of like, so Michael Jordan is the best at everything ever, as he always is. And I'm sure that that was, he was aware of it because he's like, well, I'm the leader, right? Well, we were thinking maybe Bo Jack, I'm the leader, right? Yeah, you're totally right. And okay, well, all right, if you're the leader, then you have to do two interviews. Nope.

Okay. Well, you're the leader. But you do have to put the graphics on to say I'm the greatest. And so he's the leader. Bo Jackson's the muscle. Right. And Wayne Gretzky, I guess, would be that comic relief. Yeah, I mean, he's the one making a Scooby sandwich.

They just make him a stupid idiot. It's nothing like Wayne Gretzky at all. It's so weird. And he's still got a mullet in the interviews. He doesn't have a mullet. And I'd be like, come on, guys. I mean, get a recent picture to Korea if you want to. And so they get to this museum and it's like, oh, thank God you're here, pro stars.

The last time I saw my dad, like, he was in there. And like, they go into this museum. And now, I don't know. No, like, if you would necessarily consider, like, big game hunting, like a sport in this sense. But, like, they walk into this room. There's just a bunch of stuffed animals all of them. There's, like, a fucking rhinoceros and a bear. You may not, but I know it's not.

So stop it. Yeah, there's no dead animals at a sports museum. I haven't heard the name of a hunter, period. I don't know of a famous hunter. A big gamesman? Yeah, I don't. I really don't. I'm trying to think. No.

It's a picture of Ernest Hemingway and Pete and Pistol Pete Marevich next to each other. You're like, wait, something's wrong here. Something's very off about this museum. So there's no, like, taxidermy wing in Cooperstaff. Yeah, exactly. They get satchel page stuffed. Oh, man. So we go into this thing, and we,

learned that clockwork LaRange has, Jesus Christ, has affixed these little devices to all of the things in the museum. Yeah. So he can have complete control over them. So like these devices make these animals come to life. Yeah. Which is just sheer terror. Just magic. It's just plain. It's downright. For a show that's supposed to be like somewhere grounded in like the spy adventure world, there's outright voodoo going on. to hear it's robot robots are our stock and trade in this show sure and like that

that is what they're up against and like there's just a plain old bear about to eat fucking Wayne Gretzky at some point he's a big old bear hug and there's some weird thing there's like a shark that comes to life it's not a rhinoceros it's a shark and it eats Michael Jordan

and Bo Jackson what in the world and then they somehow figure out like how to kill it so it like it becomes inanimate once again and then they have to burst out of it which is terrifying these two grown men burst out of the shark's body

like the kitten boy they just start walking around with this thing on their waist like a fucking I don't even know what but there's also some like weird because like it is like a magic thing because like another thing it does is it makes all the like shoes from one guy

it's like the rock monster from Galaxy Quest like all the different pieces just like roll up into one person and you're just like, what the fuck is going on here? At one point, as Justin mentioned, Wayne Gretzky makes a Garfield sandwich. I don't know how we're taking a break from the action for this. But he's like, oh, the sandwich isn't finished.

I forgot the garlic. And what does Bo Jackson jump in here with? It was Boe-nose bad breath. Man, and he is thrown around this Bo-Nose catchphrase. It's so good because of the Wikipedia, they're like, did you know that Bo-D-like, yeah, I did. Did you know that they say Bodo's a lot in the show?

It's amazing. What part of the year is this? Like, I would think, like, you know, we just went to the NBA finals at so many fucking injuries left and right. Like, if my star player is engaging in rescue operations on his downtime, absolutely not.

His contract is null and void. Well, that's what I'm curious about. Why do they have this organization? Yeah, there's no communal offseason, No, it doesn't. Hockey and basketball are the closest that would cross over, but Bo Jackson, you're right in the middle of baseball season. Yeah, and or football season, depending. But then his weapons are always baseball themed, I found. Yeah, yeah. They're leaning a little bit more on the baseball side. I would also imagine, though, all the adventuring is pretty rough on the knees. Yeah, exactly. All the wrong. Well, there's tons of contractual things like that. Like, you know, football players have things in their contracts where it's like in the off season or whatever, like, You can't engage in, like, driveway basketball, because if you hurt yourself and you can't play, like, that's a big problem.

They can't go skydiving is a big thing. We're all professional athletes have that in their car. And you're not going fucking hiking. I'll tell you that much. And you're not getting into a car that's shaped like a sneaker and flying somewhere. Dude, the Pro Star 1. And then Pro Star 2 is like a little motorcycle flying device. It's great because they cut back to the mom, which is weird.

the pro stars are calling her mom, which is kind of gross. It's like some old lady that owns a diner. He was like, oh, it's mom, mom's diner. And I don't know if the girl is actually related to her, but she's like, mom, I got to help the pro star. She's like, all right, well, you can go get kidnapped. She's like, hey, take this car and go get kidnapped.

Which she promptly does. Oh, yeah. And actually, I just watched a little bit of the second episode earlier today. The same thing happens. She's like, mom, I got to help the pro star. She's like, oh, just go already. See if I And then she immediately gets kidnapped again.

Mom also calls Michael Jordan Micha, and it's like, you know what, lady, just stop it. She calls him Micah? Micah. Oh, Michaela. Oh, Michaela. Does she got an abbreviation for Bo or a nickname for Bo rather? I didn't notice it. Oh, I didn't know.

I was asking if there was a Bochick. Oh, my little Bochick. Absurd. And, like, clockwork Laurent's, like, shut the fuck. He's, like, the riddler. And he's dressed, like, one of the fucking guys from the Warriors, you know, like an old baseball outfit. And, like, I guess.

And the funny thing is. Yeah, he is dressed like a baseball fury. Yeah, he's like, he's like the first half of, like, Jimmy Dewin, like, that big gut going. And, I mean, I think the thing is, the weird thing is, like, so you've got this story about the little kid that quit baseball and, like, you know. And, like, the dad, I guess, was a pro athlete as well or something like that, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, it's all about believing in yourself. and it's all about helping kids.

And, you know, it doesn't matter that you weren't good at baseball. You know, it's about enjoying it, blah, blah, blah. And Clark LaRange's thing is like, I sucked at baseball, and I'm going to fucking kill everybody about it. Well, you're calling anyone that sucked at baseball a loser, essentially. He asked for a certain amount of money or the combined salaries of every left-handed relief pitcher in Major League Baseball. That's what he said.

And the commissioner who's there is like, That's going to bankrupt baseball. Well, that's the plan. Is it not? Yes. He wants to bankrupt the National Baseball League by kidnapping the commissioner. Let me tell you. So this whole scheme is on.

And it also happens to be when the commissioner of baseball is visiting the sports museum. To visit the Bears, I guess. And so they cut to outside and they're like, oh, no, the commissioner's showing up right as scheduled. And like this limo pulls up and this dude gets out. And there is, I mean, it looks like a presidential inauguration crowd. This commissioner gets out of the car. They're like, fuck, yeah. And I was like, no one showed up to cheer on Bud Seelig ever.

No. No, they heard that Michael Jordan was there. But it was a superhero stuff. Bud Seleeg got a lot of subway sandwiches and nobody said anything on his way home from work. And so then Clockwork LaRange I guess you know

imitating Ghostbusters too finds this gigantic statue of Babe Ruth and makes this thing start walking around and it's like picking up the commissioner

and he's going to kill him or whatever's going on and you know the pro stars come in and save the day as they do with a light mix of action seriousness

and playful comedy because are you pitching the show and sports related antics, which is very important. Michael Jordan uses a basketball as a balloon, and

I think Bo Jackson has a baseball bat that's a gun. Yeah, it's a baseball bat that shoots thing. Oh, it turns into a grappling hook? Oh, man, he's like Batman, Bo Jackson. Are you not listening during Q's debriefing? All right, Bo. Here's your grappling

hook. Even though you never call me. Save that row. I don't want you wasting that rope once you shoot it. Collect it and put it back in the bat. Not made out a rope around here. Wayne Gretzky has like shoes that turn into rollerblades at one point. And he's got like some sort of magic hockey puck that could do some stuff. He's also got what every Jewish mother wants.

An endless appetite. Oh, you're totally right. He's just constantly snack. This is really the chosen one. In the second episode, they go to this, like, tropical island and this dude who's clearly a villain is like, oh, pro-stars, why don't you come to my banquet tonight or something like that? And Wayne Gretzky's like, is there going to be a lot of food?

And he's like, only the best. And he's like, oh, yeah, food. What the fuck? And Harvey Farresteen's here. So, yeah, they saved the day. And this kid's dad is like, Of course I didn't hate your guts for quitting baseball. I was kidnapped by that madman.

Again, things get, you know, everything according to Q, son. I am concerned about you playing baseball. Also my own personal freedoms. And yeah, it's just another horseshit. Like, way to go, pro stars, you did it. It's all about helping kids. It's all about helping kids. And then we cut back to real-life Bojaxon and Wayne Gretzky

and not Michael Jordan. Nope, no. How long could it have taken Michael Jordan to do? Like, really, come on. I mean, they're all dressed in the same, like, zip-up pro-star jacket. Like, they only made so many of these movies. You're filming the shit in a day. They were clearly, like, on their morning jog, stopped at the place.

And we're like, here's this week's answers. And then got out of there. Yes. You go to, Wayne Gretzky goes to Michael Jordan's house to see where he is. He's like, hey, man, are you coming? And his, like, doorman answers the door with the pro stars. jacket. He's like, oh, man. You just gave it away.

Now, let me ask you this. I don't know if anybody remembers, because I know Gretzky, and I'm pretty sure Jordan were involved with this, did Bo Jackson have money in the All-Star Cafe chain? Oh, I don't remember. I do remember it, but I barely remember who the third guy was, because it was like sports is answered to Planet Hollywood. Yes, yes. Which I loved this because when I was a kid, we'd go to Myrtle Beach on vacation down in South Carolina and they had in the same compound the trifecta they had a planet Hollywood

that was shaped like a gigantic globe and a huge planet Hollywood thing they had a hard rock cafe that was shaped like a pyramid and then they had this dumb ass all-star cafe whose parking lot was always empty that was just shaped like a big baseball stadium and I was like

who is going to the all-star cafe it's always planet Hollywood and I was pretty sure that it was I was WWF man myself. Oh, the WWF restaurant. Oh, yeah. That was, that was, now that's the, now that's the Hard Rock Cafe in New York.

Well, there's the ESPN restaurant now too, right? Or did that, that's still around? Is that still around? That burned down? I think that one burned down. I think you're right, Steve. It burned down. Oh, I got, I got the list here. Oh, nice. All right, so we got Wayne Gretzky. Yeah. Uh, unless he was

added later, no Jordan. Oh, really? I hear, uh, Joe Montana. Oh, that's right. Shack. Oh, there you go. Ken Griffey Jr. Absolutely. Andre Agassi.

Yes, I knew there was a tennis component. Monica Seles. Wow. A little foreshadowing because at the end of the episode, they ask Wayne Gretzky who he would like to add to the pro stars. Oh, yeah. And he says Andre Agassi. Oh, that's right.

And why isn't Martina Navitlova part of the pro stars? Like, you know, get one woman in there that could do fucking something. Well, you know, Steve, we've only watched two episodes. of the remaining 11 episodes. Maybe some lady athletes do make it in there. Maybe, yeah, or all the women are either young sex pots or old Jewish stereotypes. What I love about that, who would you like to be a pro star too? And Bo Jackson's just like, I think the pro star roster is filled.

It's something like the pro stars are all right. Just fine. I think most pro stars should probably take being a pro star a little more seriously. and show up for their interviews. I just think there probably should be a vacancy on this squad. I look around this set we're filming on here today. You know, I bumped into David Robinson the other day, and he was a perfectly nice gentleman.

I think he'd love to be a pro star. Dude, and the admiral, was that his nickname? Yeah, yeah. Like, the admiral would be a perfect component because he's a dude who's seen combat strategy. Exactly. He knows. What's what? He could be the brains of the pro stars.

No, no, no. And that's the thing, right? Like, of course it had to be Michael Jordan. You know, in 1991, of course it had to be Michael Jordan. God, it just makes you sick. Thus ends the week of We Hate Movies, Michael Jordan hubris. Now, was anyone embarrassed watching this? I think more so than I ever have been.

In the entire run of animation damnation. It's really, it's schlocky. There's no plot to it. Like, there's like eight minutes of story, maybe. Maybe. I mean, it's mainly these interstitials. Yeah, yeah. Of the two of them and not Michael Jordan.

Well, it kind of reminded me of the old Ahmad Rashad show, hang time, or what was that called? Was it, was that what hang time was? No, hang time was the same. Hang time was like saved by the bell with basketball. Yeah, whatever the Ahmad Rashad show that was on Saturday mornings as well, which I forget. Okay, yeah. I don't remember what it was called. But it reminded me of that.

The All Star Cafe didn't have food. themed menu? What? I'm just looking at things. Just three cheese ravioli. No sports, no like slam dunk ravioli? Home run.

That's Joe Montana's favorite, apparently. It would be home run jalapeno poppers. Yeah. God damn right, it would be. Yeah.

I'll be honest, the cartoon didn't embarrass me. The two things in front and back of the thing absolutely was embarrassing. Especially because Jordan was

there. But like, so crazy. It's so crazy. Because clearly the two other guys are like, yeah, we're just suffering through it, man. We're just trying to get to the end of the day here. It's a real grin and barrett situation for the two of them. And like, he just can't be bothered. That was embarrassing. So, Justin,

did you feel like it was inappropriate for you to be watching this as a grown adult? Yeah, my lunch break at work today. Dude, I watched it at work too. It was humiliating. Yeah, where I had to like really tuck myself into a corner. Yeah, yeah, it's embarrassing. Like, it was at a certain point where I was eating lunch and a bunch of people left the office and I was like, perfect.

Sweet 22 minutes to watch this. And it turned out a couple people were just going out for some smokes and came back in and we're like, I'll catch right up. I just forgot my wallet. Oh, fuck, I'm fuck, I'm fuck, oh, fuck, I'm fuck, I'm fuck, oh, dude. I was like, oh, man. They're like, what's that? I was like, oh, it's the pro stars. It's for a thing.

Never mind. It's just too million. Research. You're like, oh, that made it a lot worse. Wayne Gretzky's talking about the politics of pot. What the hell are you doing? Like, as I think that I agree with Steve that this is the worst thing we've ever covered on the show. That is the best thing I've ever had to watch, though, is him hesitating at airing dirty laundry on a cartoon show.

Do I want to throw him out of the bus? Yeah, I do. I feel like there's probably more tape. Oh, there's so much more tape. It's like fucking Frost Nixon. They got a whole play about it. Oh, mercy. That is animation damnation for this month, gang.

If you want more info and we hate movies, check out our website. WHM Podcast.com. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Just in case. Stephen's hit it. Take it easy.