We Hate Movies - S5 Ep169: The Substitute

Episode Date: September 9, 2014

On the season premiere of We Hate Movies, the gang heads back to school with Tom Berenger and Marc Anthony in The Substitute! Why does this movie spend so much time on the botched Cuba mission? Why did Berenger's resume need to be that padded? And what on Earth is up with that bathing suit? PLUS: I'mgonnakillherI'mgonnakillherI'mgonnakillher! The Substitute stars Tom Berenger, Ernie Hudson, Raymond Cruz, William Forsythe, Luis Guzmán and Diane Venora; directed by Robert Mandel. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

all right everybody we are back it is the new season of we hate movies and as promised november is the next listener request month yeah yeah it's kind of like you know coming home late and you know you you bring home a little something for the girlfriend she's all mad at you sorry we've been gone baby but uh here's a listener request month for you yeah exactly get out yeah exactly see through that shit that's not a thing I would love to give People should start giving each other Listener Request Months as gifts

I gifted you a listener request mom It doesn't make sense No it doesn't it's not a metric that you can Drop in here Swing by just let you guys know That doesn't make sense What you're talking about is complete horseshit But what's not horseshit

November 2014 You are picking the movies that we watch For anyone who's new to the program The rules are as follows the 10-year law that we law my god there hasn't been legislation passed the rule that we have for ourselves is off the table so you can do something in 2014 something in 2013 and so on 2016 if you can figure a way to do that I'm all for it yeah I mean it's it's definitely a lot of fun people enjoy it I got nothing sorry bombed out there that's all right but no it's you call This is what it is. Again, for those of you who are new to the program, you call in to our hotline, the WHM hotline, which for the first time I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you several times on this plug, 718-925-3893. You call in, you leave your name, first name only. I don't want to bleep out any surnames. First name only, where you're calling from, what the movie is, and I can't stress this enough, a brief reason why you would like us to do. do the movie. The drunker, the better, as always. Or if you're calling in after some tall glasses of water, we always appreciate those calls. But if you leave an eight-minute phone call, I'm just

going to look, because Skype can tell me, right? I look, and it's like someone called you at 3.30 in the morning. Oh, what's that? The voicemail's nine and a half minutes long. I'm just going to go ahead and delete that. Well, that's where you're getting your tall glass of water phone calls. Well, just limit, if you've consumed some tall glasses of water, just keep it. brief, that's all. Don't go chasing waterfalls. One request per call. And you know, you can call in multiple times if you want,

if you have good ideas. I mean, don't be a pig about it, you know? Once or twice is fine. Steve brings up a good point, though. Don't call in and be like, you know, it'll be hilarious. Larry the Cable Guy. That's not a movie, sir. Exactly.

Don't say, you know, do these movies, you know, do these kinds of movies, pick a movie. Specific movie. And like we said before, any years on the table. Also, if it's out of print, you know, let us know. We'll track down a VHS if we need to. And here's a thing. Don't ask us to do a movie we've already done an episode on.

Now, I know we've got 160-some-odd episodes. It's a lot. There is an episodes tab on the website, WHMpodcast.com. Click on episodes. You can scroll through and just do a little Control F or an Apple F type in the movie you want. If it comes up on the episodes page, don't call in and ask us to do it.

It's like you get a phone call and it's like, oh my God, you guys, I've got the movie for you. Hider in the hat, delete. You're just going to get deleted because we did it. And also, there are some films we will not touch, as we've stated, on previous episodes and previous lists

of request month bumpers. So again, for that info, go to the FAQ page on our website again, WHMpodcast.com. The hotline, again, 718-925-3893. You have, from the day this episode is dropping, which is September the 9th, I believe. You have until 11.59 p.m. on September 30th.

So you have the rest of this month to get your calls in. Anything 12 midnight on October 1st and after does not qualify. So make sure you get your calls in. Also, that's Eastern Standard Times. Yes. America. I'm not staying up to 3 o'clock in the morning. I refuse. I got work. I got work tomorrow. Yeah, no, we got places to be. We have sleep to be had, tall glasses of water to drink.

Can't be sitting around waiting for your late phone calls. It's really aggressive. I mean, here's the thing. There's a ton. We only eliminated about 200 movies. There's still a million movies left. Exactly. And you got plenty of time. Plenty of time. I'm not saying rush out and do now, because that's the last thing, by the way. you don't want to like regret a call yeah because we'll listen to that yeah we'll laugh at it oh we'll laugh we don't laugh at people come on no but i'm just saying you know you don't want to blow your chance at requesting a great movie yeah if you just like rush out and just request something you know that we've done before yeah you know yeah so just think it through we got plenty of time

get your calls in all calls welcome 718 925 3893 is the w hm hotline this november you tell hate movies what to watch hello mandra jupin steven steven eric siska and we hate movies Well, hello, everyone. Welcome back to We Hate Movies, the start of a new We Hate Movies season, a new school year. Either you're going back to school, you're moving into your new dorm, you're finally getting those fucking pesky kids back on the bus where they belong. And we're here to talk about the substitute from 1996, the OG substitute, not the Treat William substitute, the time. Barringer substitute from 96 directed by Robert Mandel who's known for two other big things directing the film FX couldn't get him back for FX too oh really you couldn't do it

no couldn't figure it out uh and also the X-Files pilot okay yeah so here we are we're back settled in ready to rag on the substitute and I mean like you know a lot of people are going back to school maybe you're a creepy janitor uh you know all your pretties are coming back Maybe you're a school administrator. All your buddies are coming back. That shit to deal with. Maybe you work in the school boiler room? Yeah.

All your future victims that you're going to kill in their sleep are coming back. And your pretties. Well, of course. Of course the pretties. What a weird thing you started. What a weird, weird man. Stephen Sadek, a weird man. But so this is the substitute.

And the substitute is, of course, one of those, much like the principal, which came out much earlier. Not a decade, possibly. Just about 88 or 87 or something. Now, what is the real origin? Maybe the Blackboard Jungle from 1955. Yeah, you know, it's quite possible. It's like they saw that movie and was like,

let's remake this with, oh, a bloodthirsty mercenary. and call it a substitute. And then that's also, before that, we make it with a big, fat idiot. Well, you got to ease into, you know, you can't just go from, you know, the innocent yet dangerous world of Blackboard Jungle into a mercenary pretending to be a substitute teacher.

You have to have a fat moron in the middle of it. And that's the purpose that the principal serves. And dangerous minds is the elephant in the room, right? Is that 95? Yeah, I think it was just before this. I think this seems. like a pretty quick reaction to it. Oh, yeah. That came out

and they were like, oh, light it up. Green light, green light. Get it going. Well, I'm like, you write it when you get there. Just keep going. Go, go. Unlike most substitute movies, though, this one was released in theaters as far as I can remember, which is good. Here's the thing. I like this

movie. It's stupid as shit, but I totally like it. I'm so glad you said that up front, because the last thing we need is pitchforks outside the offices here. Because I can't stress this enough folks at home we're just having fun with it and if you like the

I would say the principle but if you like the substitute that's totally fine we like it too yes I mean here's the thing it's a new season of we hate movies anything is possible and this is just the season premiere like we're just getting going right now we might

do a movie that you like and you know what it's fine so let's just let's just all settle back down. Yeah, it's the new season. Everyone's a little more tan in the beginning, like those season premieres of TV shows. Maybe some new characters are going to pop up. Who knows? You never know. You never know what's going to happen on We Hate Movies. So this starts off. We're in Cuba, because

duh. Why not? Well, it's weird because the credits happen. Like, it's like, you know, Tom Berringer, the substitute. And then it's like, off the coast of Cuba. You get your Oliver Stone scroll. It's like that computer thought that they're still typing. Yeah, oh yeah, they're doing it for you as, you know,

on the Coast Cuba, Operation Gauntlet, by the way. And it's 1996. Someone's already directed an X-Files pilot with weird scrolling text on the bottom of the screen. Let me put that out there. But the weird thing is the credits keep going after it. It's like, that to be is weird. I feel like once you introduce movie text,

credits are over. If you're telling me a lot of, of statistics about the mission. Wait a second. I already didn't see happen. Wait a second. Maybe that project gauntlet was actually part of the movie, the credits

and it was a code name for the movie. Oh. This might be a government project. To what end? Got you there. Well, it's like after the Star Wars scroll, it's like Harrison Ford, you know? It's like, no, no.

Time has passed. And we settle in. We have all our texts, which tells us how many people started on this mission, what the goal was, the fucking latitude and longitude. Yeah, the latitude and longitude. What do you expect someone to do with that when they're watching? Like, I'm sitting in the theater watching Substitute, right? And latitude and longitude pops up. Do I take my globe out?

And I'm like, oh, he's right here. No, well, I'll tell you why that's there, is because this movie's about mercenaries. Yeah. And if you're a mercenary sitting in the theater, you'll be like, yep, those are troubled waters. That's right. Or you're like, bullshit. That's technically Delaware.

Like, you know, just like you know it off the top of your head, the Latin law on to that. Man, what a flub, huh? You meant Cuba and you got Delaware. You're just way off. Just a fucking research. Get the interns on that shit. And he's just, I mean, this is the beginning.

Tom Berringer's John Schen. Shale? Yeah, something like that. Shale. Yeah, that's what they call him. Shale. He might be just one name. Oh, yeah.

He's like a Cher. He's like Mystique. Yeah. I'd prefer to think of him as share personally. It's just me. He's a terrible mercenary. He is not a good mercenary. The first time we see him, he's taking a nap in a boat.

Because they had narrowly escaped Cuba where they were destroying a quote-unquote drug facility or something. It's not that the vague drug trade is returned. Yep. And apparently he botched it and three people died. The botched job. Yeah, three people died. He had a team of people and they catch up to him. They're like, oh, what happened to, you know, Rodriguez, Johnson, and Alvarez?

And they're like, nope. It's like, really? We left you and everything was fine. Yeah, it went to shit afterwards. Yeah, obviously. And that's what I've always been curious about with like real mercenaries, right? Because you get those in Expendables movies too, right? And all the movies of that ilk where it's like if one character encounters another character

and they're like, where's Rodriguez? All they have to say is didn't make it and then it's no questions asked. I'd be like, what fuck do you mean didn't make it? Where's Rodriguez? Hey, one last one less cut. Yeah, yeah, now that piece of pie is bigger for all of us. Rodriguez is out of the picture. no questions asked.

Don't you want some pie? Wouldn't you want more pie? Have you great if like Rodriguez shows up afterwards? What do you mean? He did. Oh no, he didn't make it. He was making a phone call. He's got the next boat out.

I just meant he didn't make the boat. He did not make it. Oh, you thought you thought didn't make it. He was dead. Well, that's on you. I said nothing of the sort. That's great. If anyone asks you where a friend of yours is,

just say didn't make it. From now on, and just ominously, don't answer any questions. I mean, you could, you could, like if you're meeting folks for dinner. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, oh, where's Steve? Oh, he couldn't make it tonight. Just say it like that in a tone, too. See if anybody follows up.

That's the true measure of how much those people care about that person. Yeah, he couldn't make it tonight. All right, well, I'm going to have the chicken. And then say nothing else for the rest of the meal. Yeah, just be awkwardly quiet. Act like you're in mourning, kind of, but like... So this team that Tom Berringer gets picked up, this is a rag-tag group of guys.

You got Louise Guzman, you got Bill Forsyth. Who else is on that team? Raymond Cruz, Tucco from Breaking Bad, a very young Raymond Cruz. He looks great. He's in phenomenal shape in this movie. A unflat-topped Richard Brooks, which I don't have any time for. Richard Brooks, a dude from Law and Order,

who was, you know, original, I think he was the original ADA before they got sexy ladies. Yes, he was the ADA because the George Zunza was the fat pig detective. That's how that team worked. They never called, I think they do

a little bit sometimes, but they never called Jack McCoy on his hiring practices. Like all of the tens, from then on out, it's like one dude and then all these tens show up. Yeah, totally. After Michael Moriarty got out of there, it was just all babes. It'd be great

if Richard Brooks's character came back and caused a suit. Like, you know what I mean? Like, all these white women, all these sexy white women. Didn't have time for good old Richard Brooks in my flat top haircut, huh? Of course, that was back in the early Lord Norder days where Dick Wolf did not give

a fuck about you. And you just left. Yeah. You unceremoniously just left that show. And that was the end of it. No one's asking where George Zunza is. No. Although I think that character... Did that character get murdered? That might have been the only one. Maybe. Somebody was murdered.

Kristen Rome was a lesbian or Elizabeth Rome was like, that was the best ending. It's just like, is it because I'm a lesbian? And everyone's like, wait, what? And it's like, bye everybody. Executive producer, Dick. Yeah, exactly. What a cold outro. The substitute.

Yeah. Yeah, come on. The school session is in here, fellas. So what I realized is, I mean, and again, I like this movie a lot. It's really fun and it's like brainless. But my gosh, Does it take him too long to become the substitute? This movie should be called the mercenary slash the substitute.

Because the first fucking like 45 minutes of this movie, there's no substitute teaching. Well, that's the thing is that once you start seeing like the aftermath of this job got awry and they're in the safe house, you kind of realize this movie's too long already because you're like, there's not, we're not where we need to be. You're like, oh no, it's taking too long to even get there. Oh, shit. Where are all the at-risk youth? This isn't good. And the thing is, like, he comes back to Miami after this botched mission, and he meets up with his girlfriend, which he met in Nicaro. Excuse me.

Nicaragua. Nicaragua. Yes. And nothing against the country of people. It's just my own speech impediments. Just your own fucking beer mouth? Yeah. Hey, it's the first episode back, okay?

We're all shaking the rust off. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. They met on a random job in Nicaragua is what she says. Right. But I don't need to see her being hassled at school. Why not show how bad it is when he shows up?

You can just hear about it. I mean, we're with this woman having a horrible time trying to teach these kids for a little while. It's her and then it's the dude with dreadlocks from the speed movies. Yeah, yeah. These are the three movies that that guy's known for. And he's not a bad actor. He's totally fine in this. He's a really stupid character in the speed.

He's the guy who his car gets wrecked and then his boat gets wrecked and speed two cruise control. Hey, can I say that, by the way? You promised Weekend at Bernie's one or two in this new season. I want to promise Speed Two cruise control at some point. It might not be until summer blockbusters, but we have to talk about that movie at some point. But yeah, they wedge him into Speed Two. I never saw it. As if everybody just loved that gag so much of the rich businessman, like getting his Mercedes destroyed, that he's got this new boat and he's like, oh, I'm so happy I got out of L.A.

Remember when my car got smashed and then like the fucking cruise ship, like cruise controls into a dock and breaks his boat? Question. Is Keanu Reeves' character still there? No. Different character. It's different character. Same haircut. Sandy Bullock is the character that crosses.

over. Because you know what? She had a rough time on that bus adventure, so she needs a vacation. So she goes on this cruise ship where she meets handsome Jason Patrick, who does indeed have the same haircut as Keanu she does. And then the boat's taken over by Willem Defoe.

Yeah, Willem Defoe. Why not? That's shit sinking. Yeah, why not indeed? But so that's for many moons from now. So, but yeah, so we're, we it takes a while. By the way, the news is aware, this is such a cock up. The news is aware.

It's an international incident. It is. And, like, they're all sitting at the safe house. Yeah, they've been burned by the U.S. government. Disavowed. Oh, yeah. They say something like, oh, Luis Guzman's like, he says, you know, technically, we don't exist. And that's my really shitty. No, it's better than I thought it would be. But he's like, you know, technically we don't exist now.

And I'm like, wow, yeah, they got burn noticed. Yeah. And William Forsyth, who's dressed like the King of Williamsburg, this entire movie he's straight out of the warriors yeah it's just like he's just got like the cool like it wasn't cool then but it's super cool now he's got these big brown glasses a mustache he looks really fucking cool he looks like he looks like 2014 cool yeah exactly he's just missing a sleeve tattoo with a lot of water on it but other than that he looks really fucking cool and like he's like the loose cannon so he kicks the tv over and you're like okay when do we get to the school we get to the school diane venora who is uh who

I called not Michelle Forbes. Mm-hmm. She's like, that's fair. You always have to double check your, your IMDB. Like, is that, oh, uh, she was in Heat. She's also in, uh, the insider. Who is she in Heat Robert De Niro's wife? Petino's wife.

Oh, right, right, right. And yeah, she's, uh, Russell Crow's wife in the insider. Hey, speaking of Pacino, you see they're making a fucking devil's advocate TV show? No. Yeah, stay tuned for us watching that. Holy shit. Yeah, what I'm coming back. Right, did 666 Park Avenue?

man i'm sad to say i watched most of that show it's just rosemary's baby with fucking terrio quinn oh shit did rosemary's baby get canceled isn't that gonna be something is that that was a miniseries it happened oh shit did it get canceled i mean it ended i watched the first half of it and it was uh not great you know you know what it missed uh from the first movie everything so she you know she's getting hassled by mark anthony He's awesome in this movie. He's a good actor. He's bone-chilling.

He plays a really good, like, hard-edged piece of shit, 37-year-old that's menacing around high school. You know, he is pretty terrifying for a 90-pound waf. He's very small as a person, but as a character. Oh, bigger than life. He's larger than a house, character speaking. Yeah, she's driving away, and he jumps on her car and does the... La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Yeah. They're giving her all kinds of fingers. And it's just, it's gross. It's nasty business. Well, because she's, he's pissed off that she like tried to reach him. He's like, uh-uh, bitch, you're going to die. Yeah. She does the whole, it's actually, she doesn't mean it to come off this way, but it's

condescending anyway. Oh, yeah. She's like, I'm trying to talk to you as an equal with respect. And he's like, I'm going to fucking cut your throat out and then feed it back to you. And she complains to Ernie Hudson about this, who is. the principal of the school. I love that this is the first of two times Ernie Hudson's

been in like a role of authority with like dangerous people around because he's also the warden on Oz. Yeah, same mustache. Well, that's his authority mustache. Yeah. All I kept thinking about was his terrible accent in Congo. Me too. Oh man. I mean

yeah, don't worry. The race politics in this movie not so much. Not a bad day to be in Central Africa. And so that impression. It was running through my head this whole time, so I'm just thankful you said it. Yeah, there's a lot of like these monsters and look at those animals, so on and so forth. And at least the principal had White Zach.

You know, it was, there was the one bad kid who was a white guy, who was actually the worst of all of them to try to rape that woman. Oh, hey, White Zach. Yeah, you're right. And this movie, no, there's like no white students at all, which I mean, well, maybe it's realistic. Yeah, but there's, every kid is just like fucking boomboxing. Nobody wants to get better, you know? When we're introduced to the high school, it's a huge fight that's happening.

Between 3, 40-year-olds. Yeah, again, the casting in these movies is always terrible. And it's like, it's one guy is holding this dude from behind, like, he's got his arms. And this guy, is it Mark Anthony that's punching him? No, he's just watching because he's like the leader. Oh, you're right. Yeah. This guy is just being fucking decimated. And everyone's just, of course, watching and cheering because it's a bad high school. And I guess that's what you do. Just watch people get their fucking ass kicks. Where's the white guy? Where's the white guy security team that's just running around? Well, because, yeah, as we find out, I mean, we're going to get to it eventually. But this is a crooked school. Yeah. Things are not as they seem. I see. Yes. Yes. Thank you. I was about to say it might. not be what it seems, yeah. Which is kind of interesting because

if you compare it to what the story of the principal is, and the principal is just like a fucking idiot gets fired because he ogled some girl or whatever and they make him go be the principal of a bad school. He's still just like a school administrator. Like, that's all he knows.

This has a mercenary in disguise, a corrupt principal that's working in conjunction, like, you know, in tandem with the guy. Yeah, he was a corrupt cop. He became a corrupt high school principles. Don't forget he's also running for senator or something else. It's city council. You've got to start

small. City council, mayor, Senate, or mayor governor. Either way, Ernie Hudson wants to be president. Ernie Hudson, mayor of Miami. Yeah, right. I would vote Ernie Hudson for president. Yeah. Oh, really?

Dude, any chance I can get to put a ghostbuster in the White House? I don't know, man. I'm voting Keith David. Keith David would be a better president than Ernie Hudson. I feel like he would be stronger on foreign policy. Yeah, I mean, Putin calls up Keith David. He's pissing his pants and hang it up.

Dude, he gets on the phone with Kim Jong-un, and he just goes, I didn't take it out for air. And then North Korea just fucking dissembles all over their missiles. Just because Keith David told Kim Jong-un he's not going to take his dick out for nothing. I mean, you're right. Yeah. That's how it would go. I know.

Putin hangs up. I think the devil is the president of the United States. I'm almost positive. It's either that or the guy from gargoyles, but it might be Satan himself. We're not fucking around anymore. That's the plot of that third Omen movie is like Sam Neep. No, Sam Neal as a grown Damien is trying to get elected president or some shit. Oh, man.

So the devil can be president. those sequels are bad you know some people in this country will tell you now that there is a devil in the white house yeah yeah just asked that who's that fucking moron that made that 2016 Obama's America oh uh oh

I've been Desuza or something Dinesh D'Souza Don't worry he went to court for voter fraud Yeah he's in jail isn't he I don't know it's some legal I don't know whatever So we got this teacher

Who what's the actress's name again Diane Vanora So she, like we explained, is the link with Tom Barringer. Tom Barringer, after they get burned, heads to Miami. They all had to Miami, I guess, to like let things cool down a little bit. I guess because it's just the closest place. Yeah. But apparently, also get the fuck out of Dodge.

Like, I would, there are three CIA agents dead, you know, international incident. I think that where's the cleanup crew for the CIA, by the way, to get rid of these dudes? You're totally right. And that's like the whole thing that just gets dropped in this movie in favor of fighting a drug smuggling rate, which is fine, I guess. But like, that's what you want, right? Beringer is like knee-deep in this school. Like, he's hot on the trail of what's going on and everything.

And then all of a sudden, there's all these fucking cleaners that come looking for people. And then they start systematically wiping out that team. I mean, you start with Louise Guzman because he's not going anywhere. He's the easy prey, yeah. Bill Clinton signed their death warrant. Yeah. Oh, man. Definitely.

We got to get that seal team. Knock them out. They fucked up that shit in Cuba. Loose lips, my friend, loose lips. That's what happens when you play fast and loose with slick Willie. The Clinton body counts. No, that's a real thing, guys. Oh, yeah, I know.

I've seen it. I've seen those documents. You've seen it? I've seen the redacted ones. Wow. Fucking high access. It's a mighty bit of access you have there. So, yeah, she, she's happy to, she thinks she's about to get raped and murdered in her apartment building.

And it's, no, weirdly, Tom Berringer just surprises her. In the elevator. Yeah. Which is, I mean, he's definitely just hanging out in that elevator. Going up and down all day. Yeah, and then every time the door opens, he's like, oh, nope, you're not who I needed. I'm just going to stand here quietly. And then, yeah, he, like, sneaks out, scares the shit out of her, and then just laughs about it.

It's one of those scenes. And then the next day she gets knee-capped. While jogging on the beach, as Tom Berringer astutely observes by a seminal. I'm like, oh, wow, good for you. There's this weird Native American thread this movie, again, with the racial politics. But it's really, it's just kind of, this guy is just, by the way, I guess this guy's aim is to murder her in broad daylight. Like, she's on Miami Beach. There's people everywhere.

He is ready to lay down the death blow. Because he kneecaps her just to get her. mobile. And why? Because she tried to get Mark Anthony suspended from school but the principal's corrupt and wouldn't let that happen anyway. So

why? You're totally right. Most of Ernie Hudson's business does not make sense in this movie. Like, why it operates this way, what the cover is and what the real thing is? I guess he's trying to keep out like every good administrator and teacher.

possible in this school and like just making it go to hell. But is he, is he helping the drug smuggling in order to get money to fund the city council campaign? Oh, that's how every city council campaign goes, man. But so that's the idea, right? That's what he needs the money for.

Because he's a real Gus Fring in this movie. He's like a pillar of the community. You know, there's a lot of like him just kissing babies, you know, and doing all that kind of stuff. But then in reality, like the dark underbelly of Ernie Hudson is that he's fucking slinging coke with these Cubans.

Cubans, no, and native, mostly Native Americans. Is it the Native Americans that are the direct connection there? I haven't the slightest fucking clue. I mean, there's a lot of people slinging drugs. When we say vague drug trade, what's awesome is when she goes

to Ernie Hudson and he's like, all right, now tell me exactly what she said, or what he said to you, like what Mark Anthony said to you, and it's like, whatever it is, it's clearly like a threatening thing. And Ernie Hudson's like, well, okay, but he didn't directly say he was going to hurt you. I don't know. It doesn't sound like a threat

to me. I really wish I could do something for you. I'd be like, well, this principle of mine, my boss is corrupt. Yeah. He has to be. You can just go to the cops at that point. A threat is a threat. No one's calling the police in this movie. Again, not anywhere near it. The cops like show up here and there, but only after the damage is done. Like with the kneecapping, you hear police sirens. And then we just fade out. We don't deal with a police officer. Yeah. So he kneecaps her and then he's trying to murder her. And then clearly Tom Barringer shows up.

Yeah. And he's like, no way. And he just kind of like barrels into him. He fights the shit out of this guy, but this guy bests him like the mountain. I mean, it's kind of a bear fight. Like, they're two enormous bears. Just going at it, just rassling on the beach, just a couple of bears. You don't want that Berringer Bearclaw coming at you. It'll wipe your face right off. Yeah, he's someone who definitely practices Krob Maga.

And so he kneecaps her. And then, like, his team, apparently, since he's still the leader, they want to get some cool hot murk gigs, you know? Yeah, they're like, what's the next thing? We need to taste. We're starting to get the shakes. I haven't killed anyone at hours. So Tuko, he says that he has this plan.

It's like, oh, we got to meet with this guy. It's protection for his client, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we get, like, the most ridiculous, like, wacky scene in this movie. We get, we get Cliff the Young, who you might remember from Pulse. And if you don't remember him from Pulse, that's totally normal. Don't be alarmed. Because Pulse is the movie where all the fucking electronic gadgets start coming to life trying to kill people. Yes.

And I think he was also in, oh, my God, what was that movie with Dennis Hopper and Kiefer Sutherland? Flashback? Yes. He's a crooked cop. Oh, he seems like he always plays a piece of shit. Yeah, he's got a piece of shit face. He does. So they go into the, they meet Clifta Young, who's eating a bowl of cereal through the entire scene and chewing and talking.

It's the mid-90s, so we're obsessed with, like, bran and stuff like that. Like, that was a thing in the 90s. You had the famous Phil Hartman sketch on SNL about colon blow. Like, it was all there for brand flakes. in the 90s. It was brand flakes game to lose. And speaking to Saturday Live, we get a little Saturday Live sketch for no reason. This is really stupid. So it's like, I guess Cliff DeYoung is interviewing mercenaries. In his house. In this big house, it's really like leftover 80s Miami, which is awesome.

It's Cliff DeYoung's just like eating cereal and fucking Tubbs's house kind of a thing. And we're watching this commercial for a mercant. Like it's this mercenary's like video resume and it's really corny and everyone thinks it's amazing everyone's like there's like explosions he's dressed up as a ninja it is so ridiculous there's even a like one 900 number or something to call him to hire it's like it looked like he was producing this to air on television and i'll tell you what man it's not going to be airing on television no exactly it's a waste of resources it's a murder for hire tape what are you doing and i mean like and of course bernger it's like this straw man for Barringer to be like, that's not what mercenaries do.

Oh, yeah. He's laughing at him. And it's like, okay. It is kind of awesome, though, because the way the three of them, not Tom Barringer, it's Clifty Young, this mercenary, and then this woman who... I guess this is a publicist? I don't even know. I think it's like Clifty Young's secretary or something, but the three of them are really into it. And they're like, yeah, this is great, this is great. And then, like, Tom Barringer just starts laughing at it. And it's like that great moment of, like, I want to show you this art thing. that I made. Yeah. And then someone laughs at it. You're like, but it's not funny.

Oh, no, he's laughing at it. It's pretty serious. So they leave and Burns like, cut the shit, please. And he's like,

yeah, okay, we're fine. It will go, he starts telling this thing. And then we'll Cliff the Young lets out a fart at this point. Oh,

a big, it's very important. So like, he's like, all right, Stacey, you know, you can go home now.

I'm just going to talk to Tom Berringer on my own. And he closes the door and fucking lets out this fart. And I'm like, what movie am I watching? Great questions. Why are you farting right? Great question.

Why are you farting right now? I thought it was a fake fart at first too. But it turns out it's a real fart because Tom Barringer's like disgusted by it. And again, what fucking movie am I watching? Well, I think he just stokes for sharing. Which is a real Tom Barringer. Thanks a lot. And I mean, honestly, he goes through it and he's like a slimy piece of shit.

And, like, Tom Berringer, as a mercenary, as a multiple, he kills more people in this movie that fucking Wyatt Earp does in Tombstone. And he's not a real high horse about the drug trade. He just won't touch it. Won't. Like, all mercenaries are dealing with drugs. Like, that's the whole fucking point of being a mercenary. Also, you're going to a giant house in Miami.

Did you really think drugs weren't involved? So Clifty Young's giving him all this shit about how money is money, and this is what mercenaries do. It's what makes the world go around. What do you think it's going to be, like, counterfeit fucking jeans? It's not like what I never understood about, like, fucking Vito Corleone's problem in that first godfather where he's like, yeah, we don't, we don't handle drugs. I'm like, you're in the fucking mafia. You professionally kill people.

Just because you're slinging olive oil on the side doesn't make you some legitimate business man. Yeah. And what's the difference between alcohol, kind of? Yeah, alcohol, guns, everything else you're fucking peddling, Don Corleone. You fucking two-face bastard. Yeah, he was a phony. I'm glad he paled over in that goddamn garden. Don Corleone is a real phony.

Spoiler alert for the godfather. So Cliff the Young asks him like, you know, like you're a killer. What's the difference or whatever? Tom Barringer has that. Graves him by his throat. Oh, yeah. The difference is you were still breathing. He's like a real surly dad in this movie.

Yeah. It's like your friend's dad who you were always scared to cross. Fucker shirt. Yeah. You never know when he's going to snap. By the way, in my group of friends in high school, I had the Tom Barringer dad. I had the Tom Barringer dad, too. Oh, it was terrifying.

Like, everybody would be like, your dad's hilarious, but he's terrifying. Like, yeah, well, he's a cop. That's what they do. Cup of Young shits his pants. I was going to say, can we get to this? He shits his fucking rompers, man. He shits his pants. And it's a disgusting, like, again, the Foley artist was having a lot.

lot of fun with a bowl of pudding and a smile on his face. Also, the funny thing is, had Tom Berringer actually killed him, he still would have shit his pants. Yes, those bowels would evacuate either way. That's correct. I imagine the director just like listening to it. Like, can we get that like 20% wetter, please?

Thanks. No, no. Can we get like a little pop? Maybe there was a bubble. Well, because he's bragging to Tom Berringer earlier in the scene. Like, I eat six bowls of brand flakes a day you gotta keep regular this that and the other thing gets all the toxins out of your body and then four minutes later a grown man shits his pants can i get a stomach rumble

as well no that's too much take that take that take that back oh but you know what i do definitely want to use the take where cliff de young grabs the back of his pants and the sound effect is as follows squawk because that is what happens he's like what he gives tom barringer this look which can only be translated as, well, you didn't have to make me shit in my pants. And then he grabs his fucking cackies, and it goes, and then Tom Berringer smirks,

and the scene is over with. And at this point, he's plumbed out of Merk a job, so he's like, well, I guess he'll be a substitute. I guess I'll go, go, see what's going.

What was happening at the school? Well, he comes to calling for his lady friend first. We kind of went out of order a little bit. We're the little, That's fine. So, yeah, a grown man shits in his pants. Then this woman gets capped by a Native American. So then the whole thing is, I'm going to fucking kill all these little shits. Breaking my girlfriend's legs. Or murder all these little children in here. What I'm going to do. And how can I do that by being their substitute teacher? So he calls upon Luis Guzman to make up a bunch of fake credentials. And it's the, it's a real-hack it for me. Yeah, you got to hack the net. And it's a really stupid. Like, he's got two doctorates from fucking... Wait, wait, wait, yeah, you got...

Do you have his fake credentials written down? Yeah, yeah, I do, I do. Well, my name is Jim Smith. Yeah, come on. I have, I've got a, my bachelor's is from Harvard. I've got two masters from Yale and a Ph.D. from Princeton. Why am I a substitute teacher to shit old Miami school? I don't know.

Also, don't pay attention to the enormous scar on my... eye or the burns on my hands. And if you come into the bathroom and hear me screaming, it's just a terrible Vietnam flashback. Don't worry about it. If you happen to see my exposed back, all those napalm stands are

actually, well, you know, I just fell down to the shower. At Harvard. Harvard Hazing. I was part of skull and bones at Yale. They whipped me good. Come on

Jim Smith Like that's enough Like first like you just go Come on Dude like do some modest stuff You know maybe Brown Yeah A bachelor from Brown is all you need

Oh I thought you were saying You should call himself Jim Brown I was like that doesn't make sense Featuring the miraculous return of Jim Brown I love it He's just like On the vote Louise Guzman Look at it a fucking

TV guide? Yeah. How about Balke Barthagamos? Yeah, that sounds right. And then Louise Guzman goes, you're the both. Also, what's great is, like, he's reading off the list of credentials after it's all set up, and he's like, well, don't you think that's a little bit much, Louise Guzman? And he's like, he basically says, like, oh, if I only had more time, I would have done an even better job, like, aka, make him an

Astronaut. And after I got back from the moon, I decided that I would be the substitute teacher for the week. It makes no fucking sense. It's such a padded resume. I could have been president, you know. I noticed you have gap jeans on. I founded that company. But now I'm substitute teaching in Miami.

You know, I was fully vetted to be the vice president to the Keith David administration. Oh, man. Secretary of War, Tom Berringer. Yes. Secretary of Ward John Smith. Jim Smith. Oh, Jim Smith. Pardon me. Well, his given name was John, but his friends call him Jim.

Jesus. It's so dumb. And we have our scene where he comes in, and he's not taking any shit. He takes a fucking boombox. By the way, two of the first, like, can I just say I love that you just didn't even bother finishing that sentence? We all know where it's

going. God, the goddamn kid's on a boombox on the loud, banging, And, like, that's what this movie appeals to, by the way, is because the first two IMDB reviews, these are the two titles. Not high art, but it's sad. You got to enjoy teachers putting it to the punks. And then the other one's always satisfying to see the punks get it. Punk's definitely in italics and definitely in air quotes, by the way. Yeah, punks, aka black students, black teenagers.

Well, minors, yeah. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, young minorities is what these fellas mean. A.k.a. child abuse. Because these are, remember, we can't lose sight of this. These are children. 15 or 16. I mean, they're all 34 years old. I get that. Oh, at least.

It's totally satisfying to see Tom Berringer smack around some 30-year-old kids. It's awesome. It's my favorite part of these kinds of movies. But if you saw, like, what the kids should actually look like, and Tom Barringer, take it up the task, you'd be like, oh, oh, my God. This guy's a monster. You know what movie does that well? Speaking of Miami is the Brazilian fighting movie. Only the Strong.

Only the Strong has age-appropriate shitty kids. Silverio. Well, Silverio doesn't go to the school. If he did, it would be like the substitute. I just miss him. Silverio was the tree on the grounds. Why don't you go look for him in the mean street of Rio de Janeiro? So he has a bad first day like they always do. No one's paying attention to him. Mark Anthony is just in the background with his sunglasses, not paying attention. Someone hucks a beer can at him, which is pretty great. Well, I'll take that back. Don't right in your face. Well, the first time it hits him in the back of the head. All right. While he's writing Mr. Smith on the board. Because, oh, man, that name. Do you think he's just like, when that happens, he's like going into his pocket for piano wire? He's like, not not now, Cheryl.

You got to play the long con. Yeah, come on. Would someone with a double masters from Harvard do that? You've got to think about the long game here, shales. Come on. Get it together. Don't blow another mission, huh? You got to stop blowing all these missions.

Remember what you botched it in Cuba, shale, you fucking pushy? He's just like talking to himself out loud. Oh, out loud. And all these kids are like, yo, you all right? Oh, shit, Shale. You're talking out loud again, a.k.a. you're seconds away from a nervous breakdown.

By the way, two masters from Yale. More like two rap sheets from the Hague. This guy's wanted on war crimes. He's got to be written up somewhere. Dude, that's if Beringer came back for the sequel, it's Substitute to Field Trip to the Hague.

Spring break at the Hague. They want me to answer for these supposed crimes. Oh, war crimes. I'll show you war crimes. I'll show you a safer America. How about that? Because he was part of it.

His bread and butter is Latin America. That's why he's in Miami. So he's just, he's a one-man death squad down there. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yes. Yeah. He's stacking bodies high to the sun.

My old day, no, stacking me body. Once the sun hits the third one, it's going to be a real problem, then the smell comes. We're just doing Ted Levine with a voice modulator. It's Ted Levine if he was trying to do a Jesse Ventura impression. As I think what this non-Tom Barringer was.

It's close enough. It's Tom Barringer out in the sun too long. Yeah. Oh, yeah, after a couple of whiskey sodas. Tom Berringer at your wedding. That's a beautiful, sir. Oh, God. We were all surprised when he showed up.

So, first day, not so good. Apparently there's some scene. Maybe I missed it. When he wires the school with cameras, he just does. He gets Louise Guzman to hack again into the, I guess, the towel. He's posing as like a phone repair man. Yeah. And I think that's him like tapping into the closed circuit television.

He meets all the buddies. This is such bullshit. At the driving range. this is a hilarious. The gun range. Yeah, they're not golfing. They're shooting thing. Driving bullets into targets. How many, how many mercenaries be to gun ranges? I feel like a lot. Yeah, if you ever see a group of guys together at a gun range, they're probably a group of mercenaries, you think? Well, as long as they're not like 90 pounds overweight.

Right. Because that's like everyone else at the gun range. Well, it's like, I don't know. I almost feel like the more casual, the meeting place, the better. Like, the gun range is pretty professional. And they're not a great mercenary team. The expendables, they meet at the same bar every time, or Mickey Rourke's fucking motorcycle shop, and they're the best around. They're the best in the business. These are not the best in the business. No, these guys are fucking idiots. Well, because they're run by Botchette Berringer, and he's...

Well, you call me? Say it to my fucking face. In this scene, though, Tom Barringer does grab Bill Forsyth's balls. Well, because he's feeding them a bunch of bullshit. He's like, no, we didn't take that lucrative drug job, but I got this cool school. We could, we could rule their school. You guys want to invade a school? We could finally kill. We kill all the people they were related to in the Latin America. Now we can kill their descendants. Kill all these banana boat kids. But I mean, it's nuts. Oh my God. What a horrific person. It's amazing because he's just like,

Yeah, I mean, A, they decaped my girlfriend, which I didn't take too very much. Secondarily, I'm seeing a lot of beemers and a lot of nice watches at this school. So I'm thinking, if they're dealing all these drugs, we could make a pretty penny. That's what I love. He's like, we're going to rob them. There might be nothing up from, maybe something on the back end. How much money could a school drug dealer have? Total tops.

And this is $200. $200.000. 20 grand. And that's like multiplying what I think the most one could have by five. And then split that up four ways. It's like four grand a dude. It doesn't make any sense. That doesn't even pay for night vision goggles, Andrew. Not even night vision goggles.

No, no, no. If you, here's a tip for anyone out there thinking about robbing something. It's a good rule of thumb when you're getting a heist together. If you're not going to come out of there with at least enough money for everyone in your crew to safely get out of the country, it's not. worth it. Keep that in mind if you're getting a heist together. Yeah, yeah. Good note. If you can't get the whole team out and again, if someone gets clipped,

more of the pie for everybody else. But bare minimum. And also don't plan, you know, not just driving to Mexico, you don't, more than a pickup truck. Overseas or remote island chain. Yes. My plan is we go there, we pants the gym teacher

and then Louise, you stand at the bottom of the hill and start taking lunch money. So I think we could probably have clear $600 bucks by the end of the day. You wouldn't believe what these kids pay for milk these days. Hey, and then Bill, I need you

to go into the locker room. You go start sifting through the lockers and the gym bags. I remember I used to keep a lot of prized goods in my gym bags. All these kids got them fresh Nikes, you know, the Jordans aren't cheap. Also, if you want to go to the girls' locker room,

I wouldn't be opposed to a panty raid. That's all I'm saying. Substitute to the panty raid. and foresight luckily is just even though he's the loose cannon is like this is total bullshit yeah wasting my time why didn't we take this drug job when the lunatic of the group is telling you that it's a waste of time and a bad idea listen to it it's probably a waste of time and a bad idea yeah yeah oh yeah and then he just totally shatters both of his testicles like oh yeah it's a bad idea it's like you wear your balls at he goes uh because he says something like uh like you got

some balls on you or something like that and then like Berenger grabs him and he's like oh yeah well how about I just borrow yours for a little bit you mind if I borrow your fucking ball sack and he's screaming and the best part of this scene in public by the way in public he's

screaming but there's also like blueprints like this is not a good mercenary meeting in public no yeah he brings out like the blueprints of the school he's like so here's how we're going to take them down they get in a big fight a grown man grabs a other grown man's testicles.

That man then in turn calls him a queer and runs away. And what's amazing is, after that slur gets tossed, Forsyth leaves the driving range. And as he moves to walk out of frame, there's just a child right behind this group. There's like a whole fucking family at this gun range. And they've heard everything. Of course. They've heard trying to take down a drug ring. They've heard that he's a fake substitute teacher in a school.

This kind family knows everything. What are they doing there? They're just picnicking at the gun range. Well, you've got to start them young. Give them like a little 22, let them go to work. So the next... You get the job done. They do miss this in the one scene where Barrett is just in the bath.

They're like, oh, how am I going to reach these kids? You know, like that moment? So he goes in and he's like, we're going to learn about Viet fucking knob today. And they're like, wait, what? We're not even at all. all in that class right now. What's great, though, is it's, because, yeah, it's the scene where he's going to relate

to the kids on some level. So, like, he asks them, like, how many of them are in gangs and everything like that? And they're like, oh, Tom Barringer, were you in a gang? And he's like, yeah, I brought him in the 50s. I was in a motorcycle gang called The Dragon. What, oh, my day was

the dragons. And then they're like, oh, were there any black gangs? And he's like, they were the choppy boys. Yeah, this is all this shit. And he's like, oh, but also There was the vixens. Well, that was the girl gang. There was girl gangs and boy gangs, black gangs and white gangs.

Oh, and by the way, I was in Vietnam, if anybody would like to discuss that. They won't tell you this in the history books, but I gave a left cross to Ho Chi men. It's been whitewashed out of history, but it happened. It's great because we still think Ernie Hudson's like a good guy, just the principal and outstanding guy. you know, an embattled principle.

He comes by because at this point, Berringer's broken two hands. And he's like, what the fuck's going on in his class? He runs. And he sees like, everyone's listening and quiet and attentive. He's like, oh, he might have something.

But what he's saying? He's like, and then at night, we would take their ammunition because, you know, the U.S. government wouldn't give us any. So we'd take the ammunition of the dead. And everyone's like, oh, my God. And you know, the real funny thing about it all,

kids is you don't really know what you're made up of until you put a bullet through a child's face in the middle of the dark with the moon shining down on you turns out I was made out of your necklaces they even ask him like like you know did you kill anybody and he's like here's if you if you if you're a teacher you're trying to connect with people you've been in Vietnam and I've asked you know you're I was an asshole kid around Vietnam vets I was like you ever kill anybody and the answer is you know is usually like, I don't talk about that, or I didn't see my, you know, I fired, I didn't see anything else happen, or any of that stuff. But he's like, I don't count.

Pussies count. Because he says how many, it's not if, it's how many people did you waste in Vietnam. And he goes, I can't keep track. I couldn't keep track on how many souls I took. Let's just say it's more than Shang-Sung ever took. Oh, shit. Mr. Smith likes Mortal Kombat, too. He's the best teacher ever.

No, no, I was talking about the actual sorcerer from Vietnam who was working for Ho Chi men at the time. Well, I've been to Mortal Kombat a few times. Another thing they whitewashed from history is all the history of Mortal Kombat. Why do you think Nixon put us into Laos and Cambodia? That's where the portal was. That's where I met Christopher Lambert, who was piloting the ship.

at the time to the to the outer rim I mean come on we had an uneasy alliance with the outworlds we had to find an ally in the region and outworld was the only one at the last second I had to take a chopper out of outworld things were really

going to shit towards the end of the tournament when Mortaro got involved we really shouldn't have armed Barrackas people that was a mistake on our part but I mean When faced with two evils, what are you going to do? I made Lord Raiden cross the 38th parallel. Parallel into a parallel dimension, of course.

That was war buddies with Donald Sterling. Oh, also, when Ernie Hudson comes a run-in to this classroom, he figures this all out because a scene starts with him kissing babies, and he's like, here in the school, we've transformed part of our... a nurse's office into a daycare facility for students that have children. And then you're like, wait, what? And it's like

they have opened part of their nurses. They've like repurposed it as a daycare center. And then you just hear like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. And he turns around like while holding a baby and two feet away, this guy's got a fucking broken

hand. Well, because like he threw a, this is the second time this asshole tries to throw a can at Berringer and no fucking games anymore because now we're talking about Vietnam and you show some goddamn respect you know in Vietnam during the late hours of the early morning you had to learn how to have eyes in the back of your fucking

head I saw that can coming from a mile away and don't you forget it and he breaks his hand and then he breaks his other kids hands and go to the fucking nurses office see if I give a shit anybody else want to fucking go or what anyway back to Vietnam I mean I'm sorry if I'm another everyone's like wow how cool is this I'd be like

oh my god this guy's having a meltdown right now we are in the we are in the throes of a meltdown yeah like you know what somebody just just no sudden movements you don't want to set them off oh yeah just let him go let him talk one of us is going to slowly back out of the room and go get help it doesn't matter who yeah anyone is safer than this guy so oh man it's it's ridiculous and through this he he wins their trust and like transforms this classroom aside from Mark Anthony. Oh, my God. At one point, they start, like, comparing wounds.

Oh, yeah. All these kids are like, oh, yeah. Like, one of them asked them, like, Mr. Smith, you ever been shot? Yeah, I've been shot. What do you think? I'm making my whole body scar tissue. I look like Kevin Spacey and pay it forward. But these kids have so many wounds, too.

One kid says that he got, he got shot by an AK-47. I mean, it's entirely possible. That's Miami, man. And, you know, this is when we start, you know, he gets fired. He doesn't have buried. Hudson obviously is like, look, dude, you can't be hitting kids. And you're also just a substitute. So the thing is, you don't come back tomorrow.

Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. And somehow Tom Barringer has memorized the entire, like, substitute teachers union code. And he's like, well, actually, according to union law, you can't fire me without giving in two weeks notice, so I guess I'm going to see you in the people's court. And, like, Ernie Hudson tries to call his bluff, and that lasts for half a second. Oh, you want to match wits

with a Harvard graduate? Yeah. How about we take this to Judge Wapner? How'd you like that, tough guy? You know, I hear if you go on Wapner, they put you up in a hotel for free. Better than I got in V at fucking Nam. Do you think, like, when somebody starts talking bad to

Tom Schell, not Tom Barringer, who's He's a nice guy and a well-read person, I'm sure. Like, it starts giving him sass. Like, you know, like, Ernie Hudson's going to fire him. He's just like, oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. Oh, my God, I'm trying to, like, talk himself out of it.

I'm sheen red. I'm sheen red. I just sort of. Oh, my God. I already know what he looks like with his throat pulled out. Like, yeah, I'm sorry. You know, you can't be hit. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill him.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm going to fucking kill him. Oh, my God. oh my god i'm gonna drink his blood out of his body every last drop of blood's gonna be in my system because of the fact that he got the classroom under control and the kids respected him and and stuff and ernie hudson previously told him what was it like power perceived his power achieved yes yes because he did because apparently ernie hudson has an assembly every year where he breaks a paddle board or something he he punches a paddle board like with his bare

fucking hand and just turns it to saw does just to show the students like you don't fuck with me I thought when his first When he first reveals like power perceived His power achieved I was like Is he a fucking Scientologist? That's like one of those like

bullshit like Scientology sounding things You know like If you just envision it It'll come to you And then it's like he knows the secret Everybody remember the secret Remember when that shit was popular?

Side question Could Ernie Hudson beat the shit out of the rest of the ghostbusters Like all at once? Because I think the answer is yes Oh yeah Yo, easy. Acroids getting winded way fast. Ramos was a big string being he'd go right down.

Yeah, he would probably grab one of them and use him as a bat. Use Rick Moranis as a bat. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you could bring Moranis and antipots too. Those are just two swift kicks. He would take slimer in both hands and then smother Bill Murray with slimer. I think is how you could do that. That's a good move.

Bill Murray would try to get out of it with sarcastic comments. It's not going to happen, though. Yeah, no, he would kill all of the Ghostbusters. Guaranteed. He's a big fucking dude. He's huge in this movie. He is really big. You think he was working out for this movie?

I think so. Yeah, he's very big in this movie. So, like, he sees a gold watch. He's like, well, no school principal can have a fucking gold watch. That guy's in on it. You bet your bottom dollar. That motherfucker's in on it. But he asks.

Oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. It's going to take us another hour in fucking 45 minutes to get there, but I'll prove to you that he's the bad guy in this movie. But he's tactful in how he hints on it. He's like, I've got to ask you something. Is it, uh, if we get nervous wearing such a pretty gold watch around here? And that's when he punches the fucking paddle.

He's like, this is why they won't steal my watch because I can punch through a paddle. End of discussion. Imagine this was a 16-year-old sternum. Kiyah! And it's just dust. You know, I got to ask how a police officer becomes a high school. school principal. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's like, he asks him and then Ernie Hudson goes, because bullshit. Well, thank you very much for such a concise response. I'll be on my way now. And I mean, at this point, he's just kind of nervous. There's also a will. He's kind of doing like a sitcom thing with the, the girlfriend. Because he's like, oh, I don't know. I keep, I don't know what's going on at your school.

I just have another job elsewhere. Yeah. All it's missing is the, oh, that's all is missing. I would love it if he, like, walked through the door, there was a round of applause. Woo! Mr. Shales! I mean, this could have been a TV show.

Mercenary teacher, for sure. Oh, yeah. I feel like... What? They'd get into all types of wacky adventures, maybe some field trips. You know, I haven't seen a lot of this program, but one thing that just thought of, you ever think there's an episode of Renegade,

where he has to infiltrate a school for some reason? Oh, I'm sure there's at least one episode. Hello, I'm your substitute teacher, Mr. Renegade. Notice my motorcycle tie. He's just still wearing the leather vest and nothing else? Yeah, there's no shirt under. It's like, you know, Renegade, this is a school. If you're going to play the part of a teacher,

you have to dress like a teacher. I mean, I appreciate the ponytail, but, you know. You also probably shouldn't park your motorcycle in the hallway. So this is where the movie kind of stalled. out a bit because we're just, this is the problem with the beginning of this movie is fine. The end of this movie is, because once you know Ernie Hudson's

in on it, which you do almost immediately once the watch is revealed, you're just like, okay, and then there's going to be a big shootout at the end of the movie at the school. And you're just waiting for it to happen. And it doesn't happen. Well, they try to kill him once. There's a couple of botched like Ernie Hudson's like execute him.

The first one is the most ridiculous one. So he's throwing them out the window. Because he's just like, he's just broken two kids' arms who are probably part of the gang, Mark Anthony, Mark Anthony's gang, slash Ernie Hudson's gang. So you would think like, okay, I mean, we gave this guy two weeks notice. We'll just wait it out for two weeks. It's just two weeks and then he's gone. Exactly. And you don't think that he's a mercenary at that point. You just think he's like some snippy teacher that's like a crazy vet that's going to kill everybody. It's just somehow this this loose screw Vietnam vet.

veteran. Yeah, got into your school and achieved all of these accolades from major universities between seeing combat and applying for the substitute teaching position. And like, but Hudson's like, okay, we're going to kill him, A, and B, we're going to kill him on campus with security guards. Oh, that's what's awesome. He's got crooked security guards, too. And like, he just, Berringer through his cameras, figures it out. He's like, oh, yeah, you're coming for me, motherfucker. I'm putting on my vest. I mean, I would wear my vest anyway, but I'll wear it today. It was not a bulletproof vest.

And in the library, they try, like, every, even in front of the fucking librarian, it's the gang and the, and the security guards, all with guns. Yep, ready to kill him. Just ready to take a life. Yeah, working together. And he gets the drop on them. It's three guys with guns. And then Tom Barringer points one gun. And he's like, well, hold it right there, deal weed.

And they all give up their gun. somehow and he gets all the guns and then he starts hucking books at everybody it's about time you boys are hitting the books or little books hitting you you know what the substitute is lacking in quips yeah he doesn't give a shit like he's got one or two does he's no no he does he does say hit the books and then later he's got another one oh he does say hit the books all right i was going to say i missed that line but if he hadn't said that by tom barringer he just ate it

He ate the line before it escaped his lips. He gobbled it back up. All right, Killian Murphy, I'm in your dream and we're going to go to your father or something. Oh, also, my favorite part of the library assault scene, nice inception reference. No, no problem. Is after he beats everybody's ass and he just, he starts throwing all these guys out the window and they're not on the first floor. Oh, no, they're like three floors up. He's just fucking, he's just hucking these baddies.

out the window. The librarian is so horned up by what she just saw to meet a man. She's like the 70-year-old lady and he's like, are you okay, Louise, or what? And she's like, oh, I'm fine. I'm so fucking fine right now. Oh, excuse me, one more. I think you can fly, Mark Anthony.

Oh, would be great. Arthur Hughes is that he threw her out the window. That would be better. Actually, I don't think you even throw me. Mark Anthony out of the window. I think he runs out. Yeah, Mark Anthony gets away. I can't let anyone know I've got secret fighting abilities. You're dead,

old lady. I'm sorry, old lady. I said that I would throw everyone in this room out the window and now if you're in the room. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. You're going to blow my cover. I can't blow my operation. I can't botch another operation. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. Kiss her first. It'll make her feel good

about herself before you kill her. Then kill her. Just kill her. Flashbacks to outwe. Damn fucking hospitable raiden, it's ridiculous. I hate myself for wanting to be back there sometimes. This guy just look up at my ceiling fan, thinking about the days I spent going from Vietnam, Cambodia, Outworld. After that, oh, the list goes on and on. New Krypton, Mexico. New Krypton.

Let me ask you guys this. I need you guys to... Vulcan. I need you to crack a code for me. Kronos, the Klingon Homeworld. I was watching this movie last night. I had a tall glass of water. Sure.

I have a note here in my phone that I don't know what it means. So I just wrote... Oh, I remember what it is now. Okay, so there's a scene... Sorry. The mystery solved itself And it's not what I thought it was But you'll see why I was confused

So I'll explain the scene And then I'll tell you what my note was So there's a scene where he's having dinner With his lady friend She's on the mend And are they having champagne? No, it's No, no, no, no, no.

It's, they're like eating dinner or something And he's like, I just don't even know what happened The next thing I knew They're just listening to my Vietnam stories and there's angle on every word I said and I said these butterflies in my belly and she

and she says like you what does he say she's like he's like I don't know what I felt I felt like I felt like I felt like and she goes like you were actually teaching and he's like yeah that's right and she's like oh I remember the first time I felt

that way and then like he gets a phone call from Louise Guzman or one of the team like something's going down and he just goes got to go and walks out And what my note was was got to go robot As in like he delivers the line

Like a robot But I was just I was like where the fuck was there a robot This movie Oh my God I will say this though To Tom Barrenger's credit Who I do think is a good actor

And he is a good actor And he's good in this movie too He's turned on turned in a ton of performance I do I think he's fine in this movie I do think he's not all here I think that he this was a job for him And he kind of knew it

Yeah Hence why he's not in substitute 2 through 5. It wasn't a passion project. To be fair, 2 through 4, I apologize. I check the listings, though, just to like cross reference the movies and everything. I've only seen substitute 1, 2, and

3. I never saw the last one. Oh, but that's the one where they go after white supremacists. Oh, I got to check it out then. Yeah, I never saw it, but it sounds good. But Treat Williams doesn't play the same guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so it's just like a... Oh, it's like Speed 2. Speaking of Speed 2,

by this time, she's been informed by the actor from Speed and Speed 2, playing Darrell, another teacher at the school that Shale He's the English slash drama teacher. Yeah, the drama department in this fucking school.

I'd like to see those productions. So she finds out that he's the substitute. Yeah. And he didn't tell her. So she rubs rice in his face. She does. And he's just like, oh, God. If I flashback of the rice paddies.

causing another Vietnam flashback. Oh, I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to have to kill her. I'm going to have to kill her. Throw that fucking rise in my face. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill her. It's the only thing I know how to do. It's like walking to me. It's more natural than anything. So at this point, they, uh, Joey 6, who's, uh, Tuko and Richard Brooks,

tail Mark Anthony to a drug heist. Right. And the, the, this Native American drug gang is working with, it's so convoluted. This Native American drug gang is working with the Latin American drug gang from the school, which is controlled by Ernie Hudson. Jesus, is everybody paying attention? Berringer comes with his team and breaks it up. And at this point, Williams Forsyth reenters the movie. Right. Because, you know, and he like...

Literally out of nowhere. He pops in a frame like, ha ha! And I was like, oh, there he is. Look at that. And this is when Berringer enacts his revenge. Forsyth doesn't let him kill him with a gun because he's like, no, man, you've got to beat him your death with your bare hand.

No, here's what happens, and it's fucked up because it's useless. Forsyth jumps back in the frame, like, ha-ha, with a gun on Barrenger's. And you're like, oh, fuck, he's crooked, and it makes sense because he grabbed his balls at the driving range. And he wanted money, so he's part of the drug gang,

done, done, done. Exactly, and I was like, all right, he's turned him, okay, it's a perfectly natural step in this kind of a movie, that's fine. but it's just William Forsythe fucking with Tom Barrenger he's not crooked at all like he just wants to see Tom Barrenger

get his ass kicked by this huge Native American guy and they fight for a while again another long part of this movie and then forces it just blows him away 50 times yeah it's like I just wanted to see what you do I'm fucking crazy took you long enough

I'd be like you know what dude there's bigger fish to fry right now you gotta take down this whole drug gang Ernie Hudson's still running things at that high school. Quit fucking around and pretending you're a traitor. Oh, now we've got to go and fight the chief. We got to go find the Seminole tribes. At this point, so they get like millions of dollars from this score or whatever, right?

Right. At this point, Ablo Town, you've killed the guy who kneecapped your girlfriend. Right. You've made the money, all the money you could make from this situation. You killed these other, I'm not going to say, innocent drug dealers. The people that were selling the. I mean, they had no direct beef with those guys. No, but they were

executed. Yeah. But he sticks around, he's like, oh, you know what, I'm going to be like Robin Hood and give all these laptops and Papa John's pizza to all these kids. I didn't know Papa John's went back this far. Yeah, I don't know it existed either. And I think

it was just because, you know, Papa Johns was like a regional chain, like, slowly strangling the world of fast food pizza. So we didn't have it here for a while. There's an apparently a piece of trivia on this movie about how like the extra the kids that were extras in the high school were paid in Papa John's pizza you know so they literally just gave out pizzas to these kids and then they filmed it I don't care how great the movie is that I'm a part of I don't care that

it stars Tom Berringer I'm not working for Papa John's pizza you have to give me $50 yes currency yeah exactly If I want to then take that money and buy a Papa John's pizza with it, that's my prerogative. But you don't get to decide what I use my payment for. I bought all these Papa John's pieces. What's awesome, though, is... I don't even know what voice I'm doing anymore. What I love about this whole sequence is there's a bunch of heated conversations that happen in the school yard at this time.

I think it's... Oh, it's between the guy from Speed and Speed 2 and Tom Barringer because he's like, I fucking know who you are Tom Barringer. want to help out the school and they just have there's like a little bit of an argument here and he like lets him he agrees to let him like help out well well one of the lines is uh darrell is the character's name yeah so we don't confuse speed and speed too anymore but darrell's like oh you know hey shale or whatever his real name is mr shale and then tom barringer's like smith be cool hey man hey man hey man be cool oh my god i'm going to kill him oh my god i'm going to kill him Oh, we've got to kill him.

Just Tom Berenger, like slyly yelling at someone, be cool. Yeah. Is worth the price of admission. It's awesome. But what's great about this whole sequence is they have this whole discussion about whether or not, you know, he can join the group and so on and so forth. Like, no, Darrell, you can't do it. You're not a trained mercenary. You know, this, that, the other thing.

Every extra that walks by is standing in the background, what have you, are all eating Papa John's pizza. Every last one of them is shoving pizza into their mouths while these two actors are having a scene together. And there's this weird part about this. Again, the racial politics is like, obviously, like, you know, he's like, oh, you know, Ernie Hudson is about as crooked as a screw. And he's like, what? He's like, yeah.

He's been on it the whole time. He's a part of the drug gang. He's like, that doesn't make any sense. He's like, no, it does. Just don't worry about it. You've got to take my word for it. I know you know. nothing about me and he kind of

makes him a good point. The script is critiquing itself. It's like, why is that a black principal has to be involved in a drug gang? Yeah, exactly. Why can he just be the principal? And he's like, I don't know, it's just the movie you happen to be in, Darrell. You should deal with it. After that

scene happens, one of the best bits of editing in this movie is it cuts back to his lady friend's pad. Oh, my God. And Tom Berringer is just wearing a bathing suit for no reason oh my god this bathing suit is what i wanted to talk about it's fucking out of control because it's like it's like kind of like i wasn't sure if it was like

gym shorts like hangout shorts yeah but they're celebrating he's got champagne there's a nice dinner out he's wearing a collared shirt yeah but he's also wearing a bathing suit he's just got this like black blue and purple bathing suit it looks like a nightwing bathing suit And she's like She's just totally fun They're celebrating like the big score And helping out the kids and everything And he's like tip those puppies this way

And she's got like champagne flutes And he's pouring drinks But he's just doing it all while wearing this bathing suit And no one says anything about it And then they have sex And he's like on top of her rubbing his like webbed crotch at her Like here's the thing If I'm romantically pouring champagne

And we're celebrating something My wife is going to be like why the fuck are you wearing a bathing suit right now? Put clothes on. Either put on pants or put on a robe. Like, one of the other, but the bathing suits got to go. Or like at very least, right, like a Hawaiian shirt or something? Yeah, if you have to wear a bathing suit, you're right.

If you have to wear a bathing suit, make the fucking top match. Or it be like, you know what? Get my bathing suit. All right, I guess we're just doing bathing suits. We're just doing bathing suits. To celebrate you giving fucking 300 shots. shitty kids unlimited pizza for the rest of the lives. I just gave out a bunch of pizzas.

I thought I wear a bathing suit the rest of the day. Oh, man, after all that Papa John's, I need some elastic. You know what I mean? I ain't buttoning nothing. Also makes it a lot easier because after them, Papa John's, I mean, if I got to take a tinkle, I mean, there's a pool right there. I could get down

to the pool. I can't be bought... I would love it. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. I would love it if he had a great... Because he doesn't have singers. No. Like, he's got those one or too, maybe. But it's the perfect opportunity for him to be like, well, I thought we were celebrating tonight, so I put this bathing suit on because I'm going to get it wet.

Cut to saxophone solo and they have sex. He also, while they're like making out on this, it's, this whole thing is terrible because also, we haven't mentioned she is now after the kneecapping. She's got this full leg cast. Oh yeah. Right? And like, he's

fucking scratching her with like an unfolded wire hanger. And he's like you know he's like oh i can't go any higher this way i'm gonna have to go in from the front if you know what i mean and she's like oh yeah fucking scratch me with that hanger and like she's getting turned on he's wearing this bathing suit then they start making out he gets on top of her the fucking cast is up in the air kicking a lamp over it's the most unsexy sex scene yeah i think i've ever seen but realistic yeah everybody's fucking with bathing suits and leg casts uh that's that's the

that's sorry to say that is the honest picture of the world this is when the and i always hate when we have the last act boss baddie he's like ernie hudson's the guy he's he's he's above market you've got a number one and a number two a clear structure yeah doesn't make a whole lot of sense but you know you've got they're working together that's all you need then all of a sudden there's this native american like guy whose name is johnny glades by the way Johnny Glades, yeah. And, you know, he's like, where the fuck is my drug money? He's talking to, like, Ernie Hudson in his house.

He's, like, on the phone, and he throws a guy into the back of a, what do you call those things? It's a fan. They're in, like, a fan boat. Yeah, he just throws this guy into the fan, in the fan, which is a pretty sweet deck. It's awesome, but you know what? I need something. I need splatter. Yeah.

I need, like, the second before impact. He cut way too soon for an all-rated movie. Let's do it, man. I need to see his skull sliced into ribbons. Call Lloyd Kaufman. He'll tell you how to make that look. like shit. Even PG Raiders of the Lost Ark, we get the splatter on the plane. You know? That's right. That's all I'll use the splatter on the boat. I got it.

Into it. Here's how it's awesome. There's a guy who's like fishing off the side of the fan boat, right? And they throw the other dude's face into the propeller and then the dude who's fishing just gets blood splattered all over. Yeah. Oh, fuck. And then it's all the, you know, he's got like chum on them and stuff. And then an alligator gets them. And then alligator gets that guy. Yeah. It's just a huge alligator attacking the boat. What's awesome, though, is it's almost kind of better than seeing it because you hear, you see Ernie Hudson and you hear what Ernie Hudson's hearing on the phone. And he makes this like, ugh, like disgusted face.

And he holds the disgusted face and slowly hangs up the phone. And his wife's like, now what was that all about? And he still has the face on. He's like, uh, nothing. Yeah. I'm like, you clearly have the look on your face like a man who just heard another man's face go into a fucking boat propeller. And around here is when they take out Mark Anthony, right? No, I mean, there's so much time in between this. Eric, I apologize. He's got to change into a couple more bathing suits.

They think that they kill, this is when they kill Darrell. Right, right. It's parent-teacher botches that up to high hell, gets in his car, and tries to drive away. And, you know, at this point in the movie, it's like, what the fuck am I even doing? You know, and he goes out. Why am I bothering with parent-teacher-night? I know what the drug deal is. I'm still teaching at this school.

Well, it's awesome. That narrative kind of should be petering out by now. Because, like, when they cut into the school for parent-teacher night, like, he closes a folder, and he's like, well, that's fantastic, Mrs. Rodriguez. That's about all I have to say about your daughter. Thanks for coming in. And I'm like, what are you doing? You have to take down Ernie Hudson.

What are you doing? Well, I want these kids to pass this grade. We got the big talent show coming. Oh, come on, talent show. I know I have to take down Ernie Hudson and his drug ring with Mark Anthony, but first I have to make sure that these kids win the Battle of the Bands. Now, you see, back when I was hanging in the 50s, we like to call these chords. Now, hold your guitar like this.

That's what I turned this movie right off. It all of a sudden jumps from the substitute to Mr. Hollins' office. Like, wait, what? Everyone's crying because John Lennon was murdered. I'm going to teach you what those hippies were doing while I was out there saving their hides. They did put out a few good tunes. So, Darrell stumbles on to, apparently, this drug trade, they are lining school buses with cocaine, with bricks of cocaine. Where are they getting them? Who knows? Where do they go to afterwards? Who knows? But at least school buses are lined with cocaine. We don't call it the vague drug trade for nothing. This is about as vague as it gets. And, you know, he sees Ernie Hudson, like, you know, shaking Mark Anthony's hand. He's like, oh my God. And then he steps on a whoopee cushion and this covers blown. There's like seven minutes of cat and mouse. He goes, Darrell at one point, goes to the gymnasium and starts climbing the rope.

Mark Anthony has to go up and get him. Oh, come on. How stupid is that? It's really stupid. You've got nowhere to go up there. And you know what? The whole thing also is he's with a young student. A young student.

And he's trying to like save her. So he's like, you know, wait here. I'm going to go this way. Then go get help or whatever. So Mark Anthony's behind him and he runs into the gymnasium and he's going for the door. And Ernie Hudson's there on the other side. It's like, listen, don't turn around and climb up a rope. Yeah.

fucking just charge him go for the balls, do anything to get past. All you have to do is get past Ernie Hudson though, come on. A big linebacker bill to his, I guess that's true. Grab you, turn you on your side and break you over his knee. Well, he'll bane you, you think?

Oh, yes. Well, Ernie Hudson is bane. That would have been great. Oh, that would be great. I love this town. Well, you know, this this bane likes Gotham. oh back there we have the tools and we have the challenge

Talia tell them about the twinkie oh that's a big twinkie I was a little too Jimmy Stewart so what happens is Ernie Hudson shoots this guy in the head with a silence pistol which is pretty great it's cool because he's like you know he's they're trying to make some sort of message like I was naive like you once because like it's

you know you know I thought I could save these kids And, like, Mark Anthony's going to kill him, but Ernie Hudson takes it. He plays a good-ass villain, he really does. He's a good actor. I like to watch him in most things. Real wrath of God stuff. So he's dead. You know, the dead coming back from the dead grave.

Ray. Someone asked you if you're a god. You say yes. So he's dead. And what's awesome, it's one of my favorite parts of this movie. They cut to this fat kid playing the trumpet. Oh, yeah. He's playing taps on a trumpet.

And the fucking flag is at half-mask because also at this point, Tom Berringer's been run off the road and they think they killed him in an auto accident. So it's like two teachers are dead in the same morning. And this kid's just playing the fucking trumpet. And Tom Barringer walks into the school and he sees the kid playing and he's like, half-mast, huh? I remember what that was like. That's what that means in Nam, so who's dead?

And he's like, you are, Mr. Smith. It goes. And then this, you would think, now is time, finally. Big school shootout, right? No, one more fucking action set piece, pot boiler thing happens. We do have to get to the high-lice scene. Which, no, we don't. There's a high-eye scene. Who cares?

What's his face comes back? Clifty Young is, you know, Mr. Shady businessman playing this. We're right. We won't talk about it too much. It turns out that Clifty Young's client that they were interviewing to do protection for is this drug ring. Is Johnny Glades and the whole thing? So it turns out from the beginning, Clifty Young's been working for the drug ring. Yes. And he doesn't shit his pants, but Beringer beats the shit out of him anyway.

With a helmet. With a high-Eye helmet. And it's awesome because I guess we're kind of talking about it. It's fucking High-Ele-Ey and Andrew in the middle of the substitute. We got to do it. It's really ridiculous.

Clifty Young's just playing High-Eye by himself. It's great. When this happens in the movie, you're like, you know what? This movie's taking way too fucking long. Because he chases him into the locker room where these two dudes are hanging out weaving the High-Lye fucking basket batons

that you use for that game. And they're just sitting there like, we didn't see anything. And they're weaving these things. And he's beating the shit out of him with his helmet I forgot to wear your helmet yeah I guess that is a quip that he

has he tells me he forgot to wear his helmet forgot to wear it again oh oh still not staying on there but then like like Johnny Glades comes in or no then there's a scene where he's like he fucking beat the shit

out of me this is what happened and they're like wait a second he's the guy that made you shit your pants what a callback Well, it's great because So he gives him all the information It's like, oh, it's coming in at midnight, man,

you got to be there, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, he's like, all right, you better leave the country I'm going to fucking kill you. Oh my God, I'm going to kill him. No, no shale, don't do it. He's talking out loud. He's the shits his pants again. Here's the thing.

This is when killing is the most appropriate. You have, I would never leave Cliff the Young alive. I totally agree with you. He's the big, because, you know, you go high enough in the vague drug trade. There's always one shady piece of, a shit white businessman that's controlling the whole thing. Yeah. And why

would you leave arguably the worst one of them alive and... He's clearly the worst one. He shits his pants in this movie. Yes. And he also is the one making this all happen for Ernie. He's also the lawyer. Right. Yeah. And he's a loose

end. He could fucking flip this on you in a second, which he sort of does. And secondarily, if I'm Johnny Glades and my shitty, like, white guy that you know just kind of handle some money for me comes back it's like yeah i need my cut now i'm leaving the country because uh my dad's sick they're like all right get this idiot his cut oh no no no you i thought that they were going to kill him right down there like that's you're because

folks at home steve's not making a joke he tells these drug dealers he has to leave the country because his father's taken ill and they're like all right just get the fuck out of here yeah this is when you're like okay you can have your money it's right through that door and you blow his brain joe pescheum you know oh you're about to get made joe No, no! The fucking, the best realization of someone about to be murdered ever. So, then we go to fucking Diane Vodora's house and, like, they hold, there was one kid that you don't care about who, like, really was touched by Mr. Shale and his Vietnam creepy stories. Yeah, yeah, it's Jerome, and then there's a female student, oh, who escaped because of the sacrifice of Daryl.

And then Mark Anthony comes in, and he. holds them all hostage with a couple of goons and it's amazing because you know they got everybody hostage and the doorbell rings and you know she rings up and he's like it's shale and she's like and it's the exact same voice of mark anton's like who's shale we're looking for smith and she's like i don't know who he is like well let him up he's like i've got information from smith and he's like okay let him up and he goes up and he's got a big present and an enormous present yeah and he's like Mark Anthony looks at the people and it's like, oh, it's a present.

But it looks exactly like Tom Berringer with a president in front of his face. I'm sorry. It's a very significant silhouette. Tom Berringer successfully Roger rabbits, these people. Or Bugs Bunchis him rather. Wrong cartoon rabbit.

It's a Bugs Bunny gang. He's got a gun in the package when they open the door. He used the same trick on Motaro back on our world. You know, Katana fell for those ones. I asked her out on a date

And she didn't have it So I blew her away Yeah, I was a dick in the box What time? I went to the, I went to the movies with Molina Did the old popcorn gag I had a quasi-homosexual

Experience with Rain The less said the better It was monsoon season, so Rain, my God I mean, he wore a purple ninja outfit You know, I mean, I was not just day. That's an obscure mortal combat character. Oh, my God bless

you. We were deep in the shit back there at Outworld and it was just, oh, you wouldn't believe the obscure things that would come out at you. So Mark Anthony's dead at this point. It takes fucking forever. It's a big standoff. Berringer's left without a gun and this kid Jerome just

shoots him. End of standoff. And now we're going to take the school back, you know, we get all of our mercenary pals together and be like, why are the school to go? And apparently the mercenary who had his own video brings his own mercenaries who are clearly better than Barrage's mercenaries because they kill all of them.

Yeah, oh, yeah, that's the other thing is, yeah, the guy who had the commercial, like he winds up getting the gig. So he's back in this movie for no reason. He's got an army of Merck's with him. Weirdly enough, the black guy dies first. No, it saw that coming. It's a pretty good action. It's ridiculous.

It's like having two armies go at each other in a school. It's a real battle. It's a real battle. Louise Guzman sacrifices himself with a fucking grenade, which is awesome. Well, he gets shot. He's on the rooftop. He's the sniper, I guess. And somebody goes up there to shoot him.

He shoots him. And he's like, oh, fuck, I'm dead. And the guy's going to finish him off. And he grabs a grenade and fucking goes, boom. And he blows up. And it's fantastic. Forsyth just gets shot. But then, like, saves Barringer with,

one last bullet before he goes. And Forsyth, by the way, does the old. He's making fun of Native Americans a lot in this movie. He's doing the old. You're making this sound, ooh, and then you're slapping your face over your mouth while you're making the, ooh. Because he's got one tied up, and he's kicking cocaine in his face and stuff. Oh, yeah. He's calling him Chief.

It's not, you know, it's, uh, Ron Gilbert loves this movie, by the way, in case you're wondering. This is Dan Gilbert's favorite movie of all times. fucking, well, fucking Forsyth didn't have to change his attitude. Why I want to change my fucking team name? And this is sort of a quip here from Berenger because he ends up going against the guy who had the demo reel.

Yeah. I think his character name was like, Janus. John, yeah. Was it Janus really? Of course, I thought it was Jasper Jones. No. One makes more sense than the other one. Also, he looks like

Tommy the White and Green Power Ranger. Sure. And then... Hey, Eric, trust me on this one. Oh, I'm sorry, he looks more like rain, Eric. Yeah, really. Fuck you. You played that game.

I know, I know. I know exactly what I'm talking about. You all knew exactly who you were talking about. It was great. Yeah. Anyway. So Tom Berger is like hiding in like this cubbyhole by the ceiling. It's a pretty big fucking cubbyhole.

So this guy just walks into the classroom and he's just like, I'll read the blackboard. And it's just like, I'm sorry because he made Mark Anthony right. I'm sorry on the Blackboard once. And then he comes down and the guy's like, oh, like, what are you doing? He's like, I add you to my demo reel. Blow you the fuck away, you a little pushy.

Real mercenaries don't use videotape. I've never once been captured on film. Not once. So instead of, God, it's like we can't just show Tom Barringer cold-bloodedly shoot this guy. I don't know why. He's a person. He's killed 70 people at this point.

So we've got to wait for this guy to pull his other gun on Berringer. I'm blowing you away now. Click, click, click. Click, click. Guess what? You're dead. So, yeah, he goes downstairs where Forsyth has Johnny Glades. Ernie Hudson comes in, shoots Forsyth down. Forsyth kills Johnny Glades. And fucking finally, an hour and 49 minutes into this movie. Hudson and

Barringer Square off. And it's a pretty good fight. It's awesome. It's a really, it's a shit kick and fight. It's really great. And it ends with one of my favorite ways. One man can kill another man.

Just palm to the bottom of Ernie Hudson's nose and smushing that cartilage up into his brain matter. Right. Right when Ernie Hudson was trying to get him with a glass blade. Oh, right. It's a shard of glass. He throws, like there's a lot of getting thrown into empty. trophy cases.

It's great because and Hudson sells it really does. Eyes rolled back. He falls back. He's flopping a little bit. We actually see the soul fly out and then

Tom Berringer like harvest it in his hand like it starts circling and he swallows it. That's why he's got the muscle mouth there. It makes sense. He's because his jaws full of souls. Yeah.

It's like the Ghostbusters reactor in there. And this movie ends. He comes out and Tuko's out there and he's like, hey, did any of the rest of our team make it? Nope. I'm glad we did this mission. Let's go. Oh, how much money did we make on this? Oh, what voice made him?

Anyway, how much money? They made no money. They made zero dollars. Everyone that managed to get out of the fucking botched Cuban mission is now dead. Maybe Berenger was. working for the CIA or something. He's the cleanup crew. He is the clean-up. Oh, wow. He's like, you know, Tucco, this is going to be a start of a wonderful

friendship. Bang, right in the head. That's, that's a great ending. You're about to get made, Tucco. Oh, no. Just come into this empty house with me. That's where we make people in this empty house. I'll put you back together again when I'm done. I promise.

But that'd be, yeah, that's a good twist. That would be awesome. It's like I set up this elaborate, elaborate, elaborate plan to get you all murdered. Yeah, it was a joint effort between the CIA White House and Department of Education. They said we could clean up this school. Operation three birds, one stone. Oh, by the way, this school is, it's great because he walks out and, you know, he's like, oh, they're all dead. At least the kids have the school back.

No, they don't. That's because they're closed for business. There's 40 dead people, flash bombs, bullet holes every which way. Cocaine everywhere. Blood everywhere. You know what? Just knock it down and start over. This school's a lost cause.

Here's what's going to happen after this fucking heroic escapade. That school is out of commish. They're going to divide up the student population to go to other shitty high schools in the area that are just as bad, but now they're overcrowded. Yep. Thanks, Tom Barringer. Maybe you should have left it all alone. Totally right.

All they were doing was dealing Coke. You know what? It's none of my business. I mean, hey, free will. Am I right? It's Miami. I mean, it's there anyway. Somebody kneecaps your girlfriend.

You go over there. You want to beat him half to death. That's fine. I guess. Yep. You don't take down to it. You don't go after everybody. This guy's drug ring had nothing to do.

with whatever you were out for revenge for. Yeah, exactly. You were upset that Johnny Glades kneecapped your girlfriend. Then that's fine. Go after Johnny Glades. Take care of him. You can kill him or you can beat him within an inch of his life. That's your choice.

It's got nothing to do with Mark Anthony. It's got nothing to do with Ernie Hudson. And his budding political career. That's destroyed. He's got kids at home. He's got a wife. You fucking killed him. I made a widow of his wife.

Oh, my God, I killed him. Oh, my God, I killed him. I finally did it. I finally did it. That would be great if it just, the movie fades to black with him just stuttering to himself. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. Hold on, Tucho.

I can't let that piece of shit corrupt cop get an open casket funeral. Let me just take this shirt of glass. It's not nearly done yet. I am sure he's got relatives. I haven't added to my face collection in quite Ohio. Well, sorry, Tucko, we're not done just yet. I have to take out his whole bloodline. Let's get to work.

Don't worry, I think they got money or something. You're in on this, too, right? Well, Rob is safe at his house, and then we'll put his kids in it and kick it into the ocean. I'll sweeten the pot for you, Tucko. We can steal his computer, and then you can sell it from money. Sweet deal, right? I know. I don't know this for sure, but I don't know this for sure.

I got a line on a guy that tells me that this guy's got a Dell. And that's one of the hottest PC products on the market right now. Tuko, you're getting a Dell. Oh, my God, brother, you're getting a Dell. What I love is, I mean,

it's just about two hours long. It's not longer than Star Wars. And when it's done, it's fucking done. Like, they know the audience has had enough. He doesn't go back to his lady friends. like everything's safe now let's have sectioned my bathing suit again like it's none of that got a long board bathing suit on now tucco and him just walk off into the sunset also hilariously

because he's like oh i think i hear the cops we better get out of here now and they just like walk away as if nothing has i mean it and it fades to black and that's the end of it some awesome mid-90s shitty rap music starts oh yeah pumping it as hard as you can yeah just a bunch of nobody's on the soundtrack. It's fantastic. Would anybody recommend this movie? I would recommend it. I would say that it's 15 minutes to 20 minutes to 20 minutes, at least too long. You know, it's 20 minutes too long. Let's go for it. Let's go for it. But it's, you know, it's competently made. It's a, it could be like a guilty pleasure. Sure. Yeah, I don't. I'm on the side of not recommending it. Wow. Yeah, I just, the runtime really burned me, man. And there's just so,

many other things that are necessary going on in this movie as opposed to just cut this movie down, give you a 90 minute exactly what I want movie and then it's a strong recommend. It doesn't have to be good. It just needs to be focused. This movie's all over the place. It's a little all over the place, but

I like this movie and have liked this movie for quite some time. This was a big watching on cable a lot. Oh yeah. Me too. And I don't know. I've just, I've got a thing for these movies where a fucking shithead goes into his school and tries to clean it and then kind of just does more

bad than good. It's great. That's why I don't like Dangerous Minds. She doesn't really do that in that movie. Yeah, she actually solves things. Nor the Dangerous Minds TV show with Annie Potts, which I watched a little bit of. Wow. Not as much Cullio in that movie. Well, she was a Green Berrae, right?

So she was kind of a Tom Berringer with a heart of gold. Yeah, yeah. She just was capable of feeling things though. Yeah. I don't want that from my... No, no, yeah. You want somebody on the edge. Once you passed a hundred, like, kills, like, in-person kills, too, not like faraway shots, but like grabbing someone and holding their husk of what was once them.

Yeah. You cannot care after a while. You know, you lose part of your humanity. And you're right, that is so much better than actually getting somebody else high. So that makes you a better person than getting somebody else a little bit high. That's the substitute from 1996, directed by Robert Mandel. If you want more information about we hate movies, check. out our website

WHMpodcast.com. We're on Facebook. We're on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. Also, I just want to plug this here. We haven't mentioned it on the air yet,

but we took over some other person's Reddit subfeed. Subreddit. Subreddit, yeah. Reddit.com slash R slash we hate movies.

Yeah. So there was a we hate movies subreddit that was dead for years. So hey, it's ours now. We're going to win in there.

We just cleaned it up and took it over. Well, it's like Hyder in the House. Like, we just got in there, made it our own. So come there and discuss the show with us. Yeah, we're on there. We're talking about stuff with people. It's a lot of fun. Also, write into the mailbag.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. If you got some ridiculous substitute teacher stories, those are always great. Write it in. And also, don't do drugs. That's what this movie's telling you. Yeah, just letting you know. An out-of-work mercenary will possibly murder you. Don't forget, the request lines are now open for the We Hate Movies November.

Listener Request Month, 718, 925-3893. Clue for next week's episode. Oh, it's the 20th anniversary. Oh, shit. So that's one you're going to have to work on it with your noodle a little bit. Do a little math, but we're back to school. It's time for math again, everybody. Yeah, if your guest was the 20th anniversary of me being 10 and change, you're right.

Unfortunately, that wasn't ever made into a movie. That's too bad. You know what? You get like a direct-to-d-d-d-d-d-off of boyhood? Yeah, there you go. Your life? That'd be great. I'd rent it.

You wouldn't finish it. So until next week when we celebrate two decades of something awesome, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedach. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. Thank you.