We Hate Movies - S5 Ep171: Secret Window

Episode Date: September 23, 2014

On this week's episode, the gang finally works up the courage to tackle the incredibly stupid Stephen King adaptation, Secret Window! Why did they think casting John Turturro as a menacing Mississippian was a good idea? What's with all the Dorita-chips and Mountain Dew? And did we really need to see that dead dog puppet? PLUS: This fall on TNT, from the minds of Lunch Room comes, Hutton & Dutton! Secret Window stars Johnny Depp, John Turturro, Maria Bello, Timothy Hutton and Charles S. Dutton; directed by David Koepp. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Gavin. Steven Seda. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. special edition of We Hate Movies. This is one of the like one of the ultimate

stay tuned episodes of all time. It is 2004's Secret Window directed by famed screenwriter David Kepp. I mean we don't usually hate movies on this show. That's kind of the ironic like distance. It's like oh these guys really love movies

and like we start talking about Time Cop we start talking about Mortal Kombat. They're like they don't hate that movie at all. I'm like yeah I know that's the whole point guys. We're all you know. rolling on the joke i fucking hate secret window i really with a capital h ignorant hate fucking secret window you fucking like fox news hate this movie yeah like all the ignorant hate that spews out of that 24 hour news cycle because it's a struggler it's the one you have to struggle through just to get through the fucking it's 96 minutes long is it really only

it's only 96 minutes long holy moly feels like the entire season last season of breaking Bad. Like all 16 or like eight? Just like the emotional exhaustion I put towards that season was what I felt like going through this fucking movie. It's like watching Ozzymandias on Loop. Well, it's like, because the problem is you're stretching out a very thin novella into a full length movie. And like short stories can be movies. Novels can be movies.

But like this is kind of like eating dinner with people that have a three course meal. And you have to, like, stretch a taco out. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you'll bite, you'll drink a little bit, you'll walk around the table. You'll ask a lot of questions to other people. Well, here's the trick with that, is that you got to, like, serve the sour cream as, like, the soup appetizer. And then you got to do, like, the lettuce and the iceberg lettuce and the tomato is your salad. And then you just a crumble of fucking meat.

Remind me to never have dinner at your house ever again. Why, it's delicious. Yes, a crumble of meat. meat, a lettuce leaf with a cherry tomato, and a tortilla. Some sour cream. Maybe a tortilla. If I'm lucky. This is the beginning of

Johnny Depp's... I'm not getting a haircut for this movie, period. Like, it's just like, nope. Yep, not going to do it. I will say right up front, though, a note that I made while watching this movie, I mean, because this is 2004. Yeah. So it's post the first Pirates movie, which I think was 2003

or 2000... They moved. Maybe even 2001? They moved up. the release date of this movie because of how popular parts of the Caribbean was. So it's like between that and like, you know, he's in the Dark Shadows movie and he's in the Alice in Wonderland movie.

A note I made, and like this is a wretched film, but it's nice to see him playing a human being. Yeah. Just a human being. Right? The person with thoughts and feelings? Yeah, just a person. But I think that's the problem

with the movie is that I don't really think Johnny Depp's human I mean you might be on to something. He's less convincing as a human being than he is as a fucking vampire. He did make a pretty good vampire. He was a pretty good vampire. That's a good movie. I still haven't

seen that movie. I've been off the one of the reasons I saw this movie was I was a bit of a Depp head in the middle 2000s. Who wasn't, man? Well, because he was really, before that Pirates movie broke, he had like the 90s in the early 2000s where he was super selective super like swinging for the fences with each role and like where is it what's he going

to do next and then it's like oh secret window oh transcendence oh the tourist oh the tourist oh the tourists i think we might have to tell the tourist story on this episode too i got a couple of johnny dep yeah there's a couple of johnny deprelated stories that we have for you today have a secret window story it's going to be great we'll get to it all now my question is you said this it's based on a Stephen King novella. Yeah. We did a silver bullet, which was based on a Stephen King novelette. Stephen Sadek, with a degree in creative writing, can you tell us and the folks at home what

the difference is? I think novelette's even shorter than a novella. Is it really? Novella's probably somewhere between 70 and 100 pages, you know, maybe even 120. I feel you've got to break the 150 to really be a full-grown novel. Oh, I see. And, I mean... So was a novelette, 50 pages?

Yeah, it's about 50, 60 pages. There's some fucking Raymond Carver stories there that are that. Oh, yeah. Well, it's a fucking short story, Chris. Let's all. Don't shit a shitter. Silver Bullet is a fucking short story with Bernie writes and drawings to fill out the page count. So we start things off with, it's a terrifying couple of minutes in this opening sequence.

Because it's Johnny Depp, like, thinking to himself with a voice over, there's a snow story. going on. Speaking of Breaking Bad. Yeah. He's in the car. Oh, do you think he died before he got out of that car, Chris? Maybe. Don't get me fucking started on the Breaking Bad conspiracy theories. And let me say another thing about that just because you got my angry head thinking about it, Steve. If anyone out there in the near future is going to speak with Brian Cranston, Vince Gilligan, Aaron Paul, anyone who was associated with Breaking Bad, and you want to ask them whether or not We've seen the last of Walter White.

No, no. Let them walk out of the Chapulte in peace. Just let them go. I mean, first of all, leave them alone. If it's not a sanctioned interview, first of all, leave them alone. Don't harass people. But if you are sitting down with someone, just stop. He's fucking dead.

And that's the end of it. I'm here to talk about Godzilla. Thank you very much. He's wasted in that movie, by the way. You're not missing. on he hate movies. That's a story for another day. But thankfully, we're all here to agree

on the wretched pile of cinema shit that is secret window. So we're in a motel parking lot. He's talking to himself, like, just drive away, don't go back there. Just drive away. Don't go back. Don't go back. Oh, you're going back. And he goes back. And it's a whole, like,

oh, he finds his wife sleeping with someone else. With Timothy Hutton, by the way. With Timothy Hutton is useless in this movie, like most things starring Timothy Hutton. Post- Oscar pre-leverage? It's a bit of a dead zone Yeah, oh, it's a big old dead zone The vast movie wasteland

Poor bastard I have no reason to have goodwill Towards Timothy Hutton But I just do You do? You give him a free pass Free pass for some reason I like I don't know

I like him I've never had a problem Chris you have that ordinary people t-shirt So I know that you're I mean yeah I mean that thing survived A lot of washes A whole lot of pizzas as well

Your pizza eating shirt And it's white So I don't know how Frankly Well so he busts in on them They're Maria Bello and Timothy Huntner sleeping together And he's like All we see is him like scream

And then everything goes white And they're like Oh what the fuck happened And then Very much like Johnny Depp Acting in this film Most of this movie He just wants to take a nap

Like that's all he wants He really just wants the sweet, sweet slumber in this movie, which I don't blame him. The first third of the movie, that's all he's doing is taking a bunch of naps. You know what he's got in this movie the character has, and I don't appreciate it? A real

ratty bathrobe. Yeah. And you know, I get it, men, okay? Like, we like to run shit into the ground. When you have a huge hole on the back of your robe, it's time to go to Macy's and get a new bathrobe. This thing is disgusting. Yeah, I mean,

He's sleeping in it. He's walking around in it all fucking day. He's sweating in it all fucking day. That went through the fucking smoke cycle, too. He just quit smoking. That thing stinks. But that's the problem with this movie. And all movies is, or all most bad movies, is the clothes never have texture. They're just, like, all of his clothes are the cleanest, never worn J.C. Penny catalog clothes, like really just at a cellophane, he puts it on. And you can tell. Especially like now we have blue rays and shit Yeah Like it's just so obvious

Like you can see the creases Yeah no you're totally right It's like let that shit fucking get wrinkled Someone get a mustard bottle Like that's what that bathrobe needs I mean it's Rattie because it's like A Rattie looking design and it's torn So that's why I'm calling it Rattie

But I bet you in reality Some like set dresser just like Snipped that sleeve Oh yeah And put the hole in it And otherwise that bathrobe smells fantastic What you do for a movie especially a movie about like a grimy character

is you go to an office park and you get all the clothes you want to use for the movie and have everyone in the office sit on those clothes for the day. Yep. And that's it. It smells like ass. It's got a feel to it. You don't wash them. Yeah. That's it. And all you feed them are bowls of baked

beans. And then you get the real stench of it because he's got to fucking walk around with the stench in Actress can use that, you know? You're right. They can use stentches. The Chris Cabin method, you have to smell your character. I don't know why you're French. It's actually Cabinslovsky, but...

So he's napping, and there's a knock at the door. This movie reminded me of two things that I don't know why this is the way I am, but it just is. Two things that strike so much fear into my heart these days are loud knocks on doors and ringing telephones. I don't know why. But this movie has both of them in spades. You must fucking hate the beginning of once upon the time in America. It's, it just, it makes me jump like no other.

And there is just cop-knocking at the beginning of this movie. He wakes up, opens the door. There is a very Amish John Tuturo standing on the porch. And in a, I mean, I thought you were going to say what terrifies you about this movie is how inappropriately cast John Titoro is. Oh, well, that is terrifying. right. It's a real mistake. Like, he does a southern accent and it's fun and fine in O'Brother.

Because it's a comedy and like, it's supposed to be cartoons. Exactly. He's not supposed to be scary in that movie. He's not at all menacing in this movie. And it's because of this corn-eaten accent that he's doing.

It's, Dr. Travolta, Travolta, Travolta, would be terrible. But Tretoro is never scary. No. He was like a really nice guy. Yeah, no, he's a very nice guy. And, like, he opens the door. And the first thing out of his mouth is the famous line. We all remember it.

You stole my story. Man, I said this before we went on the air, but that will never not be funny to me. Like, I was watching this last night. It was late at night. I had the headphones on. My wife's asleep. You stole my story comes on. And I just fucking burst.

out like full tilt laughing it's like why was that the take that was used in the movie man i i'm sorry i do not believe that chris christopherson was that much more than john to taro get chris christopherson in this role my fuck ice cold veins just chill hey pussy you stole my story you stole my story chicken shit or a sam shepherd like something of that Honestly, get a menacing old man. Yeah, that's an old man is the way to do it. Not Brooklyn's John Totoro. I know, my God,

Brooklyn's John Totoro. You want to fill out a Spike Lee movie? Let's call up John fucking Totoro. You want a menacing Mississippian? Not John Totoro. Never in a million years. Never in a... And that's why it's like... I mean, I don't... I think it was

a thing where people read this script and they were like, you gotta be... Like, you got to be fucking... Like Sam Shepard was like, you got to be fucking kidding me, man. Come on now. I mean, I'll do dog shit. I'll roll around your dog shit for you. I ain't saying you stole my story. Son, that's one of the worst written lines of dialogue I've ever read in my life. Like a high win in a cane field.

Oh, yes. David, have you even been in a cane field? The dialogue that comes out of this idiot's mouth. It's just, I mean, it's not, again, it's not scary. not menacing and he's wearing the silliest hat anyone could ever wear the hat by the way has enormous significance it certainly does also his name is john shooter jim shooter is it jim i don't know fuck it sorry i apologize either way it's shooter that's the important point and in my head all i'm thinking about is fucking happy gilmore shooter that's all i'm thinking what's it because he keeps on saying

shooter shooter shooter's coming shooter by the way r-i p richard keel I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's jacket. Oh, man, you get Richard Kiel? You stole my story, Mr. Gilmore. Oh, fuck. Like, why are we doing this work for you, Hollywood? Also, Richard Kiel's two and a half feet taller than Johnny Depp. That would be terrifying.

Menacing shit, man. This is a Stephen King adaptation. Let's spook it up a little bit. That's the problem. I rewatched the trailer on this. I remember being very excited in 2004. I was a bit of a dep head. and the trailer came out, and it was a spooky trailer.

And I'm like, oh, shit, it's either going to be ghosts or maybe aliens because it's Stephen King. And maybe it's a Tzu-Lu thing from another dimension, but I'm cool with all that shit. Now, here, this is what I forget. Was it this or Van Helsing that we were in the line for? Because we waited in a line. Oh, it was this. It was this. Oh.

We had a fucking, 30 minutes. Can we tell this story the first one? This is a fantastic two-sided tale. So we got preview tickets to this Because I'm so fucking ecstatic That Johnny Depp's going out The spooky story And this was the thing too

Where it's like I don't know if they even do this anymore I don't because of my job I don't pay attention to stuff like this as much But back in the day it was like You would go to a record store Or like your local like DVD shop or whatever And they would have those like rectangular paper passes And honestly those were always for the movies

that the company was, like, terrified about. So it was like, let's do the before it opens preview screening because we have to get people talking about this. Drum up, word of mouth. That's all you can do. You and I went to one for the ladies man, Chris Gavin. And men of honor. Oh, and men of honor.

And we both know how those movies turned out. That's how I saw both Drillbit, Taylor, and Semi Pro. Wow, so Drill Bit Taylor and Semi Pro, both like more contemporary films by a few years at least. No, do they? No, do they? I'll walk by in Union Square. people will always be trying to get a ticket to garbage. A guy in front of the movie theater's got a fucking clipboard and they're telling

you, like, come to this fucking thing. See, I can't, I, like, technically can't go to those anymore. So I always sound like a huge prick when they ask me because I'm like, no man, I can't do it. And they'll be like, they'll be like, oh, why, man, you don't want to go to a free movie and I have to say, I'm in

the industry. And I just sound like the biggest fucking asshole in the world. You can also say that movie sounds like dog shit and keep walking. You can also just ignore them. Well, what I did do quite recently was someone asked me if I wanted to watch the trailer to, this was a while before it came out, if I wanted to watch the new trailer for what became, was it called Ride Along, the Ice Cube, Kevin Hart movie?

He was like, you want to see the new trailer for the Ice Cube Kevin Hart movie? And I just went, no, it's just totally fine. So anyway, the secret window preview screening. We, you know, we wait in line, lines around, you know, it's around the block or whatever. Not really, but just it's a line. waiting in line for 20 minutes finally get let in get a good seat

and we're sitting next to some old ladies because it's a fucking weekday and what else are they doing kind of a deal and the movie starts and I hear a crinkling noise and I'm like well that's a weird crinkling noise and we both Chris and I are sitting next to each other

we both start to smell something really weird and it's Johnny Depp being like I can't go in there my wife's fucking somebody about it and I'm trying to get into the drama of the situation because you're a Depphead you want to give this movie your full attention absolutely john my my boyfriend's on screen right and he's the whole movie essentially he's got a cute haircut the whole bit my boyfriends are you selling

my mother with harrison ford and it's just it just i look over because it's the smell is so pungent at this point i look over and it's an old lady like a david litch nightmare eating eating a fish like it was a candy bar like she's got like a carp wrapped up up in aluminum foil and is only tearing it off as she eats it around. Like, I don't eat, like, it's a banana. It was disgusting. A fish. And I start giving Chris the old elbow nudge.

And he starts to laugh harder than anyone's ever laughed while Maria Bello is, you know, ruining Johnny Depp's fake life. The other side to this story is when everybody procured these tickets, it was the two of you and then like a couple other people from our circle of friends and it was like we're all going to secret window man you want to come and it was a Thursday night we were in college and I had class

on Thursday nights and I was like sorry guys I got class and the whole and like I really wish we could travel back in time 10 years to figure out what this was because everybody was so excited about this movie was like dude you're not going to go to the

you're not going to skip class and go to the secret window screen that's fucking redidts fucking secret window No. Prognosis, negative. So then everybody's making fun of me. Fucking nerd, you're going to go to class instead of seeing secret window? Oh, man. So they go. I go to class.

I come back. I'm just like watching TV on the couch and you guys come home. And I'm like, so how was secret window? I'm the nerd that didn't go. And it was a real like, let us never speak of this night again situation. So in the end, I came out on top. You learned something. We lost brain.

I'm pretty sure it was a situation where we both went down the hallway and slammed two separate doors because it was that shitty of a fucking movie. So you stole my story. You stole it right out from under me. And, you know, Depp is like, no, I didn't.

I'm a professional writer. I don't steal things. And, you know, we're going back and forth. And he gives him a manuscript. He's like, this is the story you stole. It starts on page 7. Talk to you. Talk to you later from Brooklyn. What? he's got nothing on this accent man it is

whib wobbling all over the place yeah he can't it's like it's like when you see an old lady on the street and she's walking a huge dog but the dog's really walking her yeah that's what's going on with this voice he's doing you can meet me a joe's delicatessen anytime you want to okay well at one point

he says Riverdale New York like he can't like he can't say New York regular because he's John fucking de Toro do you think he was fighting with David Kep on that when he's like you should probably not say york like that and he's like well listen you know it's just that it's a place in the Bronx that I've been

to so I gotta say York it's just it's what I do for the Bronx I gotta represent Yankee Stadium and he's like no okay it's secret window do whatever you want yeah I mean this is probably during his let's amass as much funds for passione as possible

he's never directed a good movie not to Toro now John Totoro's never directed I don't think David Kep's really directed a good movie either but anytime you see a directed by John Totoro turn the other way

the fucking is it Passione it's romance and cigarettes and then the latest cinematic fating gigolo do you see that one stay away

stay far away I just never wanted to so it's this whole thing of like he never really fully expresses what he wants Johnny Depp to do with this information well he does

an hour into this fucking movie. But even then, it changes. It keeps, like, evolving what he expects. And rightfully, Johnny Depp is like, listen, even if this is true, what do you want me to do about it? What are we going to do about it? These stories, you know, my story was, then they start doing the, when was your story published them?

When did you write your story, right? Because that's, like, the ultimate way he says where writers can figure out, like, who did it first. Like, that's the only way you solve these things. And he's like, I wrote. it in 1999, and he's like, oh, well, that's great because I wrote mine in 1994 and it was published

then, so take that. That's the end of it. That should be the end of this movie. Right there. Oh, goodbye, everybody. Bye, David Kep. I'm glad I didn't get a haircut for this movie, and I'm wearing cool glasses the entire time. Isn't that great? Look at this bathrobe. All right. And so the whole thing is, like,

he wants Johnny Depp to produce the magazine where the story was printed and then he'll go away. like that's the whole thing well that's the problem with is that it's never like i do agree with you it's not just setting up because the beginning of the scene should be this is what i'm accusing you of right you either admit it or you deny he denies it and then from there like okay well then i'll call fucking morty or i'll call you know sydney my lawyer or i'll call my book agent and we're gonna get this set you sit here sit in my fucking shitty ass apartment yeah let's figure this out

you're gonna call up this guy and we're gonna have you know what i want i want this settled you know he's like i'll come back in three days and then i'll tell you another fact about that dude he says three days i was like no just stay here please don't leave crack a beer let's figure let's put a record on and figure this shit out sit on this pile of dorido crumbs oh my god the Doritos in this movie. Dude, I came out of this movie. I wanted spicy nacho Doritos and an ice cold glass of Mountain Dew. And a jiff, peanut butter jiff sandwich.

A big old fucking right in the middle of a shot. There was one, only one entity in this entire blue world that was more excited about Secret Window than Stephen Sadek. And that was the Frito-Lay Corporation. Because my God, the Doritos in this movie. I mean, there's like, you see bags of Doritos. You see close-ups of actual Doritos. Like, he's got Doritos in his desk drawer.

Like, they're everywhere. Doritos are crawling all over this house. Being eaten by stalk of celery Depp. Like, that's the other thing. Yeah. This man is not sitting around chugging Mountain Dew and eating spicy nacho Doritos because he looks like Johnny Depp. He's running every morning.

He's got at least a gallon of water every day. Yeah. Drinking at least one gallon. Well, the Doritos are. are so prominently featured and it's a thriller and it's such a, you know, such a lean story. They must mean something. You know what I mean? Like, they have to stay.

Maybe they stand for his mother. I don't know. Secret windows, secret garden, secret stash of Doritos. Like that's... Secret crunch. Yeah, he buried him in the garden, too. Also, by the way, just going back to the fish incident. Like...

Yes. I don't think I need to tell you listening audience, but you can't bring. bring fucking hot food or any fishy snacks into a movie I'm not I've been known to sneak some snacks

into movie theaters now and again you know like a bag of candy totally fine bag of Doritos you're kind of pushing it but if you're

not sitting next to anybody you're kind of okay and you got to just watch your crunch you know but here's the tip for that though open that fucking bag during the previews I don't want that shit

crinkling around during my movie especially if you got a 20 ounce soda you got to pop that shit before popcorn starts dancing and you can't like tighten close it because

then the get it's just going to build up again yeah yeah no no no it's got to be you know or just go with the fountain I'm sorry just go with the fucking fountain soda and that's why we have a real epidemic in this world with all the shit that you can get at the movies now and I'm not talking about places like draft house where the purpose is you go and you

get food yeah yeah I mean if you if you're going to one of those theaters like a draft house or a bow tie those places that give you food expect people are going to be eating hot meals like that's the that's the fucking agreement you make when you go to one of those theaters. But these multiplexes, and I was just at one today

with the chicken fingers and the fucking personal pan pizzas and the hot dogs, just get out of my fucking face. Candy, soda, popcorn, and on the occasion, nachos, but nothing more than tortilla chips and a cup of cheese. No fucking hot peppers, no meat toppings, no sour cream, just shitty movie nach. And no fucking skate fish.

no swordfish steaks but I'm sorry Chris you're going to say no but I think it was the nachos that did it because then it was like well hot I mean popcorn I guess is hot food but it's not like you're not preparing things it's not a meal yeah it's just it's popcorn like hot cheese

it's being stinking up a whole place that's where that's where it became but now the bigger issue to me is when the people bring in the fast food because it's disgusting it stinks like We can't do it. We're not in a fast food restaurant right now. We're in a movie theater. We can only do a couple of things. Any non-scented snacks you want to bring in a wheat thin, a pretzel filled with fucking peanut butter, I got no problem with it.

Some combos if you really need that pizza filling? Yeah, sure. That's your, that's close. If you really don't like yourself, yeah, combos. Go combos. I think combos are one of the worst snacks in human history. Oh, God, they're awful. I love combos. Really? Yeah, I've actually had to stop myself from eating kind of like that's one of those things. I had to put away the combos. You like that, like, dust paste that's inside of those things? Oh, you mean dog food? Yes, I do like to eat dog food that tastes vaguely like pizza. I know that it is, everybody.

So speaking of that, Johnny Depp is in great shape. By the way, the other thing that you're talking about, he's in depression right now. He's totally depressed. Which I guess almost the Doritos could stand in for. However, he's drinking Mountain Dew. No one's depressed in drinking Mountain Dew. A lot of mountain do in this movie. Yeah.

That you're having a fun time or you're like, I don't know, you're snowboarding, you're fucking blaying down a mountain, you're riding a mountain bike. There's not a single can of beer. Yeah, I know. Where is the alcohol? They say Jack Daniels once. They show it at the end. And I think that there's kind of supposed to be a twist ending.

By the way, fucking the twist ending. John Duturo was Johnny Depp the whole time. I'm sorry you had to see this movie. I apologize. And that, you know, the thing about that is, it's really unfair. It's so supremely unfair. And I don't know if the Stephen King's story ends this way.

I don't read Stephen King's short story. I'm sure it does, though. I don't have anything against Stephen King's writing by any means. I just don't seek it out that much these days. So I don't know what the ending of Secret Window's Secret Garden is. And who could fucking care? I mean, if it's this, though, I'm not going to waste the 50 pages to find out myself. Yeah. You know? And it's like, it's just this horseshit thing where like if you were into this story or into this movie, right? And it's like this crazy guy is claiming that this author plagiarized him. Like, okay, it's a thriller for people who enjoy writing, I guess. Like, that's fine. And just have it be that. This whole horse shit, he's just a figment of Johnny Depp's imagination. And Johnny Depp's the one doing all these killings. Why? Because he got fucking divorced. Because Timothy Hutton fucking banged his wife.

Like, what are you talking about? No. I can't deal with it. And also, by the way, John Turturo ain't in this movie that much. No, he's really not. And, like, that's your movie, man. If you really want to make the movie, it's Johnny Depp v. John Tuturo. Yes.

And they have to, like, pace around the room, like, the whole thing. Like, it has to be a one-on-one thing, like a two-hander, a good two-hander. I need a good Hollywood two-hander. The problem, and you're totally right, Chris. And the problem with it is, like, the whole... parlor scene of this movie, if you can even call it that really, is about 45 seconds long. And it's not even, it's not even a thing where like maybe the last shot, which also one of the worst last scenes in cinema history.

Sure is. One of. It's not even like maybe Tatoro is with him and it's like, welcome to the fold, my good brother, or something. You know what I mean? Just crazy and I'm going to be with you forever. Something that's fun and eerie and something. But, like, he just, once he figures out that he was, he was shot Duturo the whole time.

John Duturo just is like, well, my planet needs me. Talk to you all later. I'm going back to Brooklyn. I'll talk to you all later. Bye. See, the funny thing was, y'all thought I talked like this. But in reality, I just kind of talk like this. Take that.

Catch you to bus back to Brooklyn. He's got this cleaning lady. We only see one scene in this movie. Yeah. And he really fucking hates her guts. He hates her guts, but it's also a weird thing. This is what I don't understand about this cleaning lady. It's clearly just like someone he's hired to clean this cabin because he's like a disgusting writer who's just, he's writing and he can't be bothered.

And I mean, someone's got to bring him those Doritos. Someone's got to go to the gas station and get the big bag. Well, no, they got to go to the Sam's Club and get like the big tray full of the individual. Oh, yeah, you need the snack pack, the 30 bagger. Yeah, totally. The bag containing all the tiny bags? That creeps me out, kind of. That is America with a capital A, isn't it?

It's a big giant garbage bag-sized snack bag with a bunch of smaller snack bags inside them. Oh, we're pigs. So, but that's your biography. Oh, we're pigs. Totally with six. Five O's. Yeah, five to six O's on the cover.

No, but I, and I, and I, hate this when in any movie that does this where it's like a person who's not like a nagging wife or nagging husband or kids or whatever like Johnny Depp just wants to have a fucking cigarette. Yeah. And like he's terrified that this

fucking hired hand is going to see him smoking and be like now you said you quit smoking. And he's like just he's like hiding the cigarette under the desk and like not exhaling because the gag is like the lady keeps almost leaving and he lights up.

but then she comes back up the stairs. It's like, dude, just fucking smoke in front of this one. You pay her $90 a day. She's picking shit out of his garbage. He throws a fucking story in the garbage. She takes it out of the garbage. And let me tell you something, Chris, about picking that manuscript out of the garbage, okay? He throws that John Trottero's manuscript.

Yes, yeah, yeah. He looks at it and he's like, oh, this is stupid. His name's Shooter, ha, and throws it away. And then we see the manuscript on the table. And it's one of the several times. either in the ad campaign for this film or the film itself, that there may be go-ga-go-g-g-gosts going on.

And you're like, oh, my God, dude, haunted manuscript, it came out of the garbage. And she's like, oh, I left that manuscript on your desk that I picked out of the trash for you. And I was like, wait if I can kill the mystery lady. Thank you very much. Or maybe that's actually also Charles S. Dutton

is also the cleaning lady. So Charles S. Dutton is in this. movie. Convicted murderer, Charles S. Dutton. Convicted manslaughterer. Can you be... Man-slaughterist? Yeah, can...

Just threw my phone on the floor. Can you be a manslaughterer? I mean, you're still just a killer. He stabbed a man to death. It was the heat of passion. I gave him a fucking past, man. So Charles S. Dutton, who has been in some good things here and there, is in this movie as Johnny Depp's literary agent. Well, no, he's not as literary agent.

It's like a private detective. He's a private detective that's got... He's never really defined as such, but he's basically, he's his literary... He's his, like, private detective that, like, he's the guy you call when shit gets bad. Like, corporations would hire him to do their work. Are we sure, though? Because at the beginning, when they first have, like, this meeting, and he's, like, he's talking to him about, like, the book business. Yeah.

And I was like, okay, Charles S. Dot. is somehow related to the publishing world. I don't know. I think he might be a Michael Clayton? Is he a Michael Clayton? I think he might be a Michael Clayton. All right, because here was my thing. His random house is Michael Clayton.

I mean, because my understanding from watching this movie for a second time, which I did also eventually, I think, see this movie in the theater. But not with your fish-eaten old lady. I was under the impression that he in some way worked for Johnny Depp's book publisher or he was his

manager and it was just like manager maybe and so then when he gets all like super like death wish PI I was like what kind of a fucking manager is this like he's got guns and men to do research for him I think he said because there is

the problem is so he's like you're so much story. I'm like, no, I didn't have published it first. Well, you better produce that manuscript in three ever-loving days. And the first, he's like, well, I can because my wife has the book and I can't go back to my wife because she's a fucking bitch. And like, which is the whole fucking point of this movie. Yeah, pretty much. Every writer or anyone who works, any, knows anything about anything, agents have everything.

An agent has everything. You know, all this is fucking call. And at the end, he's like, oh, I guess I could just call my agent. and like he does and he gets the manuscript UPS to him but I guess that's why I was under the impression

that Charles Dutton had something to do with the publishing world because if he doesn't why would you go to this man first well I know I do think he's a Michael like if fucking Danielle Steele like a cabana boy overdoses in her house

which has happened oh absolutely there are bodies She's got enough money to fuck her. Or like, you know, Dean Coons like accidentally got in a car accident on the way home, ran somebody over,

but, you know, the hate and run. Yeah. I feel like Dan Brown has woken up to many a dead prostitute and been like, oh shit. He wakes up and he goes, oh no, another mystery. Oh, the Vatican's at it again.

That's the thing. I think Dan Brown just walks around going, oh, maybe the Vatican was behind it. I actually think he actually puts another notch on his bedpost every time that happens. Vatican did it.

Notch into the wood post. What an asshole. Those stories are terrible. So speaking of terrible stories, so she pulls out the thing, she's like, oh, I'm a nosy old woman. Here's my fucking manuscript. You threw in the garbage.

She's like, what do I pay you for? Stop eating Doritos About 2 You gotta get fat And she walks away She walks right out of the movie That character never returns That's a character that needs to come back

Like when Johnny Depp's not home And John Totoro kills her Yes Like that needs to be one of those characters There's no body count in this movie And it's all off screen It's a real big problem She needs to be like

Scatman Crothers in The Shining Oh yeah Coming back like I think you need help And she just gets butchered So he goes to get his book off the shelf, because he realized at the beginning of shooter's story,

sounds exactly like his. He gets his off, and I love fake book titles and movies. It's a short story collection called Everybody Drops a Dime, and it's got a picture of a dime on the cover. Like, come on, everybody. I bet you, that's a good

pausing the DVD, because it's like a short story collection. I bet it's a good pausing the DVD to look at all the different kinds. of short story titles that are in there there's definitely a shot of the chapter list right there there definitely is I want to kind of go back and pause that and just

look at all those real gems that they have like the old flamingo yeah totally one of the best fake book titles is there's a good in the Sandman comics deal came in this guy has a book called Here Comes a

Candle it makes me laugh every time I think Oh, no, here comes a candle. Look at that story me about. It takes place in, like, some Pennsylvania Dutch reenactors. So... Here comes a candle. Instead of being, like, okay, and...

So, the stakes are really low at this point. It's really just some old fucking hillbilly kind of getting in your face. But of course, death wish number one is that fucking poor little dog. That sweet dog that's got goddamn cataracts? do we need this story to be any sadder and everyone knows what happens what's that dog is adorable and like fuck it you know what and

speaking of two-handed the first 30 minutes of this movie or the first 20 minutes of this movie at least it's a two-hander with Depp and this dog oh it's just rat-a-tat talking with this fucking dog oh yeah it's Johnny in the mutt in this movie and it's a lot of like oh yeah you don't like bad writing do you boy

I guess I'll just delete this then so you don't have to look at it well it's all like cocking cocking the eyebrow to Chico, Chico the dog And he's all like Chico. Right, Chico. Chico the dog as himself according to the credits.

I may have applauded in my house when I saw that. One thing about the dog, though, when he's eating this big Jif peanut butter, ooh, I love Jif peanut butter. It's delicious, isn't it? And kind of scary. And he's eating it. And he's laying on the floor, and he gives the dog a couple of bites. And I was thinking

because I don't think peanut butter is too good for dogs. He shouldn't be given peanut butter for dogs. It's kind of might make them sick. Is there, is there dog peanut butter in that sandwich? Were there two sandwiches? One had like Mighty Dog pattee in it. The other one had peanut butter. One had the inside of a combo. Spreadable combo.

It's kind of like Nutella. Yeah, that's a Chico had. It was pizza-flavored Nutella. Straight from Steve's kitchen cabinet. And then the other one was a fucking peanut butter sandwich for Johnny Depp. No, I think you can give dogs peanut butter. The problem is it gets stuck to the roof of their mouth that they do a hilarious like they keep sticking their tongue out thing you can't give dogs chocolate chocolate it'll kill that yeah i think peanut but i mean it's you shouldn't be putting down scoopfuls of jiff for dogs but i think if a dog had like if a dog snuck an aunt on a log

type snack food it would be fine it would be hilarious because the dog gets fucking killed obviously it'd be great if like obviously the dog just keeled over one night and death doesn't know why and he sees an open bag of peanut em and he's like what the fuck and he opens it up more and it's the shooter's saying you still stole my story I gave a dog chocolate it's really bad for dogs

that's like kind of playing the long game I mean that's a gamble what does happen is he shoves a screwdriver in this dog's head and that's what does it in that's pretty direct and it says no he writes a note that says no police and I'm like well

obviously kill my fucking dog and the fucking sheriff in this movie can go suck it because he's like well I'm not even sure that's a crime. Of course it is. And they try and pull this bullshit movies a couple of times.

Like, of course it is. Even Johnny Depp's like, I mean, haven't you ever heard of animal cruelty to animals? That's just credit. I've had just about enough of your cruelty to animals. Do you see this crochet I'm doing? Oh yeah. Isn't that hilarious? It's a sheriff that's doing needlepoint.

Great. That's a character. That's your, that's your character. It's a character. So Dutton gets involved. He goes to Dutton. Well, actually, Maria Bello calls him, right? Maria, you know, and like, we're talking and, like, she's, like, kind of, she's very remorseful for stepping out on him with Timothy Hutton.

Yeah, but, like, in a weird, manipulative kind of way. She's a bitch. She gets a bitch. Yeah, I don't know where the animosity is coming from in this story, but, yikes. How many times is he? got to write about an unhinged board writer that fucking murdered is his wife. Yes.

This movie, there's parts of this that just straight up crib from the shining. Speaking of stealing stories. Which apparently you, there's a new thing. Someone was talking about this the other day. There's new things like set in place where you can get in trouble for plagiarizing yourself.

Oh, really? It's a thing. Because we were talking about Elvis Mitchell. Elvis Mitchell, the film critic. Apparently, He got in trouble when he was at the New York Times for kind of plagiarizing himself, which is so weird. But, I mean, if this kind of shit takes place in the actual Stephen King's story, this is Stephen King plagiarizing the Shining. Yes. Take a huge hotel and put it down to a little cabin and then remove a family and a fancy English butler and put it in John Titoro.

But also, like, I don't know how, do we get a count of how long it's been since he found out about her and her? they don't really tell you it seems like it's been months it seems like months so it's within a year yeah why are you even fucking talking to her yeah like that this is all lawyer talk this is from here on out it's all lawyer talk well their relationship in this movie i mean they really kind of drag it out is like do we really want to get divorced you know and you're just like yes you do well the best the best part is he she's like he's like well how is ted fucking in my house and She's like, well, we're not together. And he's like, oh, really?

Oh, wow, that's exciting. So we're going to get back together. And she's like, oh, I meant he's at the store. I'm like, you know what? I'm never talking to you again. Nobody puts it that way. I don't know. It's such horseshit.

Nobody talks like that. Oh, we're not together. Oh, so you've broken up then. Yeah, totally. Oh, no, no, no. He just went to the grocery store. Oh, it's infuriating. And Johnny Depp doesn't get nearly as mad as he should with that response.

Well, no, he doesn't get mad. He just feeds his alter ego. which is Jim Shooter, fucking John Totoro, a Mississippi guy with a stupid fucking hat. So he goes, he's, and this is the problem, like, he's like, oh, I'll talk to you later. And he, you know, he goes to Dutton. He's like, look, this guy, he killed my dog.

The sheriff doesn't give his shit. And, you know, Dutton's like, well, you know, I'll come out, you know, my standard rate applies. It's like $500 a day, which is actually pretty cheap. I don't even think you get Charles S. Dutton for that cheap. But I don't even know. know what this job is. It might be really cheap, or you're just

hiring a guy to do something. In which case, he's just dictating terms that he's making up out of the air. Well, he doesn't do shit in this movie, but sleep and load a gun and never fire it. He's got some sass when he meets him in his office. He's got some sass for him. He's got some sass. Because apparently

another part of this story that doesn't fucking matter at all. File that under everything. is Johnny Depp apparently had plagiarized somebody else beforehand. Yes. And, like, and man, when I first saw this movie, I was like, John Totoro is like, either he's an apparition of that person. Yeah. And like he killed himself or something like that.

Yeah. But no, it goes fucking nowhere. Like, if that's, if, if the story is about plagiarism and he is a plagiarist, then let's fucking do it. Not making a stupid thing where he's making shit up and eating corn. Go the full Philadelphia, like the law, like, I want to go to, like, the court case. I want to see the whole fucking thing. I don't know if I want my ghost house story to turn into a courtroom drama, however. Because from the preview, and I'm in the theater because I think this is a ghost story.

Yeah, and you're still not convinced it's not. He could very well be a ghost because no one else sees him kind of a thing. It's like, oh shit, that house is haunted, oh shit. And he's dressed like someone from the 1600, so why not? Yeah. You don't see him, like, ever pull up in a car. No. Or anything like that.

I mean, it's, listen, it's just much better if he's a ghost. I mean, if he didn't have the olive skin, he would be kind of like an Amish vampire. Oh, man, John Duturo Amish Vampire, sign me up. Oh, yeah, you can make that movie happen, just to let him write and direct it. So it's kind of amazing because, like, you know, Dunn doesn't take this at all seriously, and he really sure. should, because he's got dead meat written all over him. You know what I mean? The dog is dead.

Now he's got this African-American character. He's a bit of a hard ass. I'm like, oh, I know where this goes. Oh, yeah, totally. Like, best case scenario for Dutton is, like, he gets the last shot off on, assuming to Dutton is real. Like, he shoots him in the head, like, you think he's dead, and then he dies. Like, no matter what, yes.

This movie, after credit sequence is Charles Dutton's funeral. Yeah, well, he gets, like, the two stabs in the stomach. You think that's it. You think he's gone down because, I mean, that just shredded your whole intestine. Yes. You are gone.

Yeah. But yeah. He'll play possum for a little bit and then help out right at the end before expiring. Before definitely dying. But yes, of course, he's a professionally successful African American,

so he's got a big fucking RIP stamped on his forehead. Right after the dog, that's the next in this movie. It's just, it's adorable animals, successful African Americans, and then, of course, the wife.

The bitch, wife is next when by the way when the dog when he discovers the dead dog and it's a thing where like the dog runs out the doggy door and he's like oh come back chico come I'm gonna take a nap and he wakes up and he's like oh where's that dog

and he goes outside he sees the note on the porch and he's like looking for the dog and then it's like there's like a garbage can or something and there's a big thing with a white sheet over it and there's blood and you're like well that dog's dead why do I know oh you're going to show me this fucking fake dog corpse thanks a lot movie

what's awesome is he fucking starts yelling for sure he's like Shooter Shooter which is great because I just started thinking about Jurassic Park

But then he goes He goes He goes I'll get you for this And it like Who are you Skeletor? Just stop it

It's fucking Dr. Claw man Next time Shooter Next time There is a documentary That I want Which is

There's got to be one guy that is the Stan Winston of Dead Dog Puppets? Because there are so many in movies, like, really well meticulously, like, you know, he must make the mold from the dog's face. That's got to be really hard to get a dog to sit still for that. Let me tell you, Steve, you could make that documentary, do it, like, short form. You could get nominated for short, short documentary at the Oscars.

But I don't understand, like, why, like, I don't know when this turned because it used to be, like, in fucking Turner and Hooch, it's just a fucking patch of red stuff on. no because this movie wants to really shock you it really wants to take your socks knock them right out of the theater and that's what a screwdriver coming out of a fake dog that really did that really that's i mean because the thing about this particular dog puppet i think anyway is it's clearly a puppet yeah but it's also just like gruesome looking what i'm actually thinking is like oh why'd you kill that puppet like that poor puppet I mean, this dog is dead.

Oh, yeah, it's never coming back. It's super dead. Even if you buried it in the pet cemetery, this dog's not coming back. The pet cemetery has to send you a note saying, sorry, we did all we could. We couldn't even send you a nightmarish apparition of your once beloved dead dog. We apologize. Regards Pet Cemetery. So, Charles S. Dutton's like, listen, I'm going to go up to the house.

house, when you go home tonight, you know, if you see a black car in the driveway, it's just me and my... He says my guys, but it just turns out to be Charles S. Dutton, which I was like, does he really just not have guys? No, it's like the maid and the, you know, the secretary

in his office. They're all part of him. Everybody's part of Johnny Depp? No, Charles S. Dutton. That's his guys. We're walking dangerously into identity territory, which is something... That movie's like fucking Voldemort to me. Do not even talk about it. Just don't even

start talking to me about identity. That's a really bad movie that I once owned on DVD. You get those. You sure will. So, but here's the thing is Charles's Dutton is like, all right, I'll go upstairs. And he's kind of being a dick too. He's like, no monsters under your bed. I'm like, hey, dude, that guy fucking killed my dog and I'm paying you. Brutely, too. He put a fucking screwdriver through his skull. Oh, yeah. This is a real severe dog murder. And he's not taking it seriously at all.

And I'd be like, you know what, Charles S. Dutton, her fucking $500 a day? How about a little professionalism? There's been a murder. Secondly, how about I got a guest room? You're sleeping in my house. Yeah, you know what, Johnny Depp, just get the fuck out of that cabin, okay? Also, 2004, man, the age of fucking little, like, cameras you can put in your house or outside your house. Right.

And they can't, I mean, if you're a fucking published author who has enough fucking for this house and the house that Maria Bello and Timothy Hutton are living in. Right. You're fine. You can pay the $1,000 to have the two cameras there. Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess looking at it in hindsight, now that we know the gloriously bad twist of this film, perhaps

because it's all in his head, he's also doing stuff to safeguard the whole... Illusion himself. Well, yeah. I mean, if he leaves the cabin, right? Like, the thing's over with. Like, the fantasy's broken. So he has to stay in the wood. So I guess

That's why, Jesus Christ, like, I guess that's why he doesn't leave the house. It would be great, though, if it was, like, a droopy dog cartoon, and he's going all over the world, and, like, it keeps open to, you stole my, he closes, gets into a plane, goes to Tahiti, and, like, it's a fucking, you know, it comes out of a pot, he's a story, and it's, God damn it. I would love that movie. I would love a live action gag like that. It would be so great. Why not this movie's dog shit anyway? So at one point, he says to Charles S. Duttony's. like oh and by the way i think i have a copy of this magazine again we're not calling the agent

to immediately get this taken care of yeah i have a copy of the magazine at my house in the bronx where maria bellow still lives with timothy hutton let me go there and i'll just i'll go get it really quickly and my god you want to talk about boiling blood oh god the and jupin's story he pulls up yep and he's watching them from afar like maria bellow and tim huttner like preparing to leave for the day or whatever and he's watching from a distance like across the street and he talks to himself a lot in this movie he starts talking

he starts speaking talking head lyrics as he's looking at them and he's going this is not my beautiful house this is not my beautiful wife oh in the days go by I wanted to spit on my television I could the audacity

of this movie to do something and you know that they're like you know what Johnny yeah just quote David Byrne that'll be really really fucking cool man how about we swap out instead of a silly hat John Nutturo's wearing a big

David Burns suit his old movie He opens the door and he's in a huge gray suit and there's a floor lamp next to him and he's dancing with it you stole my story

I want to play a tape for you shut up man that would be worse though. It would be. Well, he burns his house down. And again, here's the thing.

Burning down the house. Hey, another great one. He also coolly leaves out a Hunter S. Thompson book. You know I like him? Yes, we know, Johnny. Shut up. You're in every fucking goddamn documentary made about Hunter S. Thompson. We fucking get it already.

We could start a documentary about Hunter S. Thompson tomorrow and the day after we could nail an interview with Johnny Depp. No, he's calling us. We don't even have to announce that we're doing it. He just senses it. My Google alert went off that you announced you're going to make a hundredest Thompson documentary. I need to be in it. I heard that there is a Dunesbury documentary.

I'll take it. I love Gary Trudeau. He gets it. And I mean, so here's the problem is like, so he burns down this house, right? Yeah. And he's not, I mean, burns down the house in the Bronx, by the way. Yeah, I apologize. He burns down the house in the Bronx.

Maria Bell is not in it. Nobody dies. But now, oh my God, the only copy of the magazine is gone. What are we going to do? I guess we still have two and a half more days before John Duturo shows up. I conveniently gave myself three days. My other personality conveniently gave me three days to straighten out this fake situation. But he's not an arsonist.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And like the, it's a real who done it about who burned this house down. He's a fucking writer. who's crazy as fuck who puts on an evil hat and burns down's houses. It's not something where, like, he would successfully get away with arson for a second, and it's always the ex-husband. And, by the way, okay, they say it's a champagne bottle, and he did a Mottoff cocktail.

The champagne bottle is in perfect condition. Yeah, I don't know. You could dust that thing. Beautifully. That's just bad from the prop department. Like, what are you even talking about? He burned a house down with a mom. all the top cocktail and you've got three quarters of the bottle intact give me a break that's an easy writing fix just be like oh we had no there's no evidence we don't know what did it because no one cares anyway who gives this shit and again they're going through a messy divorce it's his house that he's losing in the divorce he burns it down and they're like oh wait you said that there's a mysterious mississippi man that doesn't exist oh my god let's let's chase down that fake angle also where were you oh uh

was by myself sleeping on my couch. I was taking a nap in my cabin. Have you had these Doritos? They're addicting. So at one point I don't remember when exactly this happens in the movie. I think it's like the second time

he comes back to the house it's so he goes into the city and they meet with a divorce attorney and it's whatever in the insurance agent. Oh right it's after the house burns down. It's the insurance agent who's hilariously also just been through a divorce

and she's this sad sack like oh a divorce huh yeah tell me about it well i mean this is this is david kepp's little fucking i'm a clever screenwriter fucking bullshit is that every goddamn scene has to be something like i don't know i can't really tell if there's a difference between reality

and fiction uh when you get divorce it's kind of like you're separate from yourself and it's all it's dropped out throughout this fucking movie like oh my god it's coming Hey, audience, just while you're sitting there eating fish. Have you realized that no one else is talking to John Tuturo but me in this movie?

Think about it. And you can almost piece that together from the very beginning. Like the first time he's talking to Totoro, maybe like the second time, they're out on the front lawn. And someone drives by and honks the horn. And like you see the dude from the truck waving and John Toturo waves back. And I'm just like, yeah, clearly it's just. Johnny Depp that's standing there. Like, that's what that's going to be used for. Because

that guy in the truck isn't a character. No. You know, it's only when he's like, hey, Charles S. Dutton, why don't you go ask that guy who drove by in the truck? He saw me with John Tutorro the other day. And it's like, all right, yeah, he's going to go ask him, and he's going to say that he only waved to you, and there was no one else there. Like, of course that's going to happen. That he's going to

be in a trunk dead or something. Like, obviously. But what I love, it's my favorite, it's my flat-out favorite part of this movie is Johnny Depp calls Charles S. Dutton or maybe Charles S. Dutton calls him because I think it's Johnny Depp keeps walking into the house when the phone is ringing in this movie.

So he picks it up and he's like, here, there's better be Charles S. Dutton. And it is. And we cut to Charles S. Dutton. And he is laying on a bed with one hand behind his head, the other one holding the phone. And he's in nothing but jockey shorts

and like an open button-down business shirt. this is how he's talking to people on the fucking phone i never need to see charles s dutton like this ever i mean that's post nine hundred number oh yeah he is spent and now i guess i'll get back to business yeah he's like hey i've been trying to call you for a while so i dialed one nine hundred hot sex to kill some time that's sex with two xes oh by the way yeah the phone bill's going at johnny dep the fucking paperville view is going the paper view bill is going to johnny dep oh yeah charlie Well, Z. Dutton's a guy who knows how to put up an expense account. Well, here's everything that I had to do while I was working for you, pornography included.

Well, I appreciate the Doritos here, but really, dominoes? That much dominoes? I mean, this is, Christ, three times a day. Taco Bell delivers? Well, the best part is when Maria Bella tells him that his house burned out. Again, the phone, he unplugges the phone a lot because it's a writer, and he's... really loves taking naps and he plugs the phone back in it starts reading immediately it's a little chilling and he picks it up and it's his wife crying and she's like oh my god well in that she's like where are you what is your problem what were you doing he's like well i was taking the nap she's like that's so like you by the way our house burned down he's like wait what

that's the headline maria bella like it's just oh my god the house burned down what the fuck's wrong you could go into why you didn't pick up the phone after that you got to lead with the house burned down, where were you? The most you can put before the house burned down is, I've been trying to call you. Yes, exactly. I've been trying to call you the house burned down. Where have you been? Yeah, not the other way around.

That's the order. If you don't want to lead with the house burning down, that's the only thing that you can put in front of it. The nap is at the bottom. You put it at the bottom of all of that. Yeah, you don't give a shit what he was doing. You have to tell him the house burned. A history of napping, which is the other title for this movie. I really, I don't need it.

Like, fucking, it's a house out. The fucking, it's gone. And, like, there's this whole argument. And actually, we're going to, my favorite part of this is in the insurance thing, the insurance meeting when Johnny Depp starts scolding Timothy Hutton. Oh, yeah. And just, like, wagging his finger. Like, this isn't yours. Bip.

Like, well, you know, to be fair here, Timothy Hutton has no business being at this insurance meeting. he really doesn't it should be Maria Bello and Johnny Depp they're the people that own the house their possessions are in it you know he's saying like we split up six months ago but I still have a bunch of stuff there I haven't moved out Timothy Hutton has no

fucking business being here and he does start looking over the form with them and the ladies like actually Timothy Hutton it's against the law for you to look at this if Johnny Depp doesn't want you to. Clearly Johnny Depp wants to fucking have it with this because why didn't you walk into the room and be like get the fuck out of here

You have no business. Why did the lawyers say, get the fuck out of here. This is not your meeting. Well, because he's a real straw man, this Timothy Hutton character. You know what I mean? Like, he's just, he's only made to be like, oh, that fucking shitty, fucking adulterate piece of shit. His name is Ted, by the way, of course.

Yeah. Every adulterer is named Ted. Is he the adulterer, though? Well, like, how does that work? I think they're both adulterers if you're in, you're doing it, right? Isn't that how it is? I don't know. I mean, she's certainly an adulterer.

That's not even I mean if Timothy Hutton was married He's also then an adulterer Also by the way Hutton Dutton are they the same character I've actually I was going to say this for the end

Because I realized They do a little name necking At the bottom there At the one of the credits go of It's Charles S Dutton And I was like Ooh New fucking TNT show

Leverages over with Hutton and Dutton Getting into scrapes And maybe you flip the script And you know Dutton is the the buttoned-up type and Hutton's the maniac? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like, Franklin Abash, Hutton, and Dutton. Like, right after it. I think you've got something. Lethal weapon the series. Yeah. And you could get really meta with it, though, too, is they could be playing Charles S. Dutton and Timothy Hutton. And the whole concede is like,

you know, we decided to give up acting and become private detectives in New Orleans. Yeah. Oh, man, it'd be great. They go up against a Simpsons-esque Big Daddy. It could be like a Ray Donovan. Hollywood crime oh yeah that's what they do that's how you fucking make Hollywood homicide by the way Harris and Ford and this is how you sell the series is a nervous charlesus dutton getting on a ninja

motorcycle but still following it a lead and he's trying to he's trying to use his cell phone the same time he doesn't quite have a hold on it quite yet he's calling tiffany hutton who's in bed with a lady and he's like you gotta get down here right now houghton and dutton this fall we know drama. I'm tailing Jeffrey Jones right now. Oh, yeah. The lead villain of the series is Jeffrey Jones. Playing Jeffrey

Jones. I mean, if you're out there, Hollywood producer, we just want a little taste. I mean, it would be great if we could be showrunners. I'd love that. Sure. But you've got the money. I get it. Just give us a little taste. A little something on the back end. Not that we would obviously be

grateful for the opportunity to be showrunners on Hutton and Dutton. But Just the credit there, a little bit of the scratch our way, that's all. Maybe just like a signed photo of Hutton and Dutton. Signed photograph. With them, with the Hutton and Dutton is how they have to sign it too. Hutton plus Dutton. Which one of them writes the plus sign?

You know what? Give that the Jones. Jeffrey Jones didn't write the plus. That's how he makes his mark. I don't want him to sign it, but I just want to have the story. Actually, no, Jeffrey Jones put that plus sign. Hey, Chris, you want me to sign your photo, too? I mean, whatever.

Are the three days up yet in this movie? He's got the three bags of Doritos he's gone through. By the way, if you're so depressed, when are you having the time to color your hair? Because this is a weekly occurrence. It's just like, oh, I'm just shocked up in this main town until I go back into the city every week and Ronaldo does it. Does a really good job. He keeps it nice and even. I mean, it's a weird.

Like, the way his hair looks, he's got, like, foot long length hair. Yeah, right? And it's, like, six inches of that is, like, bleach blonde. Yeah. I have a feeling it's a thing where, like, those fucking roots just grew out. And he's just leaving it for that long that he's got six inches of dye job, and then the rest is the natural hair color. Or, at the end, when he has, indeed, cracked, and Maria Bellow is going through the house,

he just opens a door and it's just a fucking pile of just for men fucking empty boxes piled to the ceiling I would love it if he's like eating a bunch of Doritos and he's got like orange fingers and he just takes his blonde blocks and just starts working it in there well he fucking puts it wherever he likes he puts it in his pencil drawer

there's Doritos in his pencil drawer fucking dog probably too many Doritos that dog's fucking farting that's the last thing you want when you're trying to to write a new story as a farting dog by your side. Stop distracting me with your farts. That's pretty scary. Sounds like

Dreamcatcher. He sits writing it. The story's about canine fletulence. Thanks, go for it. Chico. You get a story credit. It's fired by a story by Chico. Richard Bachman and Chico. Speaking of Richard Bachman, man, there is a joke in here. An annoying joke.

Where the cleaning ladies, Like, you know, he's like, it's, I didn't write this story. It's by a guy named John Shooter. And she's like, oh, I thought that was a synonym. And he's like, he's like, or a pseudonym rather. And he's like, no, real writers don't use pseudonyms. I wouldn't do that. Get it?

Everybody stop, stop eating your fish. I'm going to wink at everybody right now. Stephen King, Richard Bachman, get it? Stephen, would you like to come out and wink at the audience? Like a cane field and a high wind. So, at this point, Terturo comes back and ups the stake, and he's like, look, you, not only do you steal my story, but you ruin the ending. And the ending goes like this. Oh, my God, what is?

It's the dumbest people. It's just farting. It's literally the dumbest sentence anyone's ever written. And John Corbett, look, John Corbett, why not? sure that guy is playing the fucking agent on hunting and dunton FYI

guys I've got a wacky idea here the rolls are drying up in Hollywood I got you jobs as private detectives but he's also like playing kind of a chief like when they like botch a job

he's getting angry he's like oh yeah like fist down on the table you could have sex with the witness as well And Hutton is like, whatever, man. So, no, he's like, and he sat there as he grabbed another ear of corn from the steel steaming bowl.

If I believe she's dead, it's a mystery even to me. And it's like, are you, why is corn involved in this? Why is corn involved with this, first of all? And I think it's something like soon enough, she'll be dead long enough that her death will be a mystery. Even to me. Oh, well, fucking great. The corn is what gets me every time. And they say it three times because this movie really likes to set itself up.

But it's like, oh, I like that line about the corn. Got it. Remember the corn? Corn. Corn is never scary. Doritos are never scary. Oh, corn, corn chips? Okay, yeah.

Dorita chips. Yeah. Oh, well, no, corn's not even really scary in children of the corn. No, it's not. It's got nothing to do with corn. Stephen King just likes putting stupid things in his stupid things. and his stupid stories. So he's like, you gotta fix the story

and you gotta, he's like, he kills her at the end. And he's like, oh, uh, well, I'll, you know what? I just realized my agent has, he's like, all right, I'll be back in two and a half days now. I'll give you another two and a half days

to track down your literary agent. No, no, no, just wait there. I'll get him on the phone and you can talk to him and we can straight this old thing. No, no, I do believe I'm gonna go back to the cane field. Oh, you know what, come to think of it,

I realized that the internet exists, and clearly my story would be, this magazine would be digitized at this point, or I could go to the library and get some periodicals and micro-fiche. I'm sure that that periodical would be there. They're acting like his cabin is in like the Northern Territory in Canada. Like, it's just somewhere in upstate New York. No, it's, again, the Walter White. He's out in the middle of nowhere, in the cabin. It's so, God damn it.

You're right, though, Steve. It's 2000-fucking-four. Clickety-clack. Find that shit. Even in this small lake town, there's an internet cafe. I know there's an internet cafe because, you know, the old guys around the lake don't want to get no computer. That's not for me. Well, the small towns have internet cafes in 2004 because every other town stopped having internet cafes in 2001.

Yeah. So it's definitely there. So he's like, all right, two and a half days, I'll come back. And there's this big mystery between, you know, Dutton is like, oh, I'm trying to find this other guy. He says he didn't see him, but I think he's nervous. You know what? Tomorrow morning we're going to go out. We're going to talk to him. And the next day, he goes into town.

Depp wakes up too late. His car is on. And he's like, oh, that's weird. And he goes into town. He goes to the diners. Like, where's this guy? Where's Charles? He's done?

Nobody knows where they are. He gets back to his house. And oh, my God, it's that guy's house. It's that other, it's the white guy whose truck it is, who drove by randomly for 48 minutes ago. He's dead and Charles's Dutton is dead in the back. And my favorite part of this movie, to give it a nice rule of three here, is he looks, there's blood everywhere and he's got blood all over his hand. And he looks up at a squirrel.

Oh, man. It's a real, like, close-ed shot of the... And the squirrel's like, oh, fuck, I saw everything. And the score goes up, by the way. The score goes... D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-E! It's fucking crazy. This menacing...

squirrel in this movie and the squirrel runs like he looks in and he's like did i do it and then just runs away oh man if it was a squirrel it did the whole thing yeah the squirrel is also john titurro they buried the squirrel in a pet cemetery chris and it came back to menace's life the guy also has a screwdriver in his head and charles s dutton has been chopped with an axe again and i know and that here's the problem with your bullshit twist ending not only does it negate the movie. But it also makes you tap dance around this movie to make this ending twisty and surprising. Yeah. And I don't get to see any of the shit that I want to see. Exactly. All this like aftermath killing shit is obnoxious. Well, here is the problem with showing

this, Charles S. Dutton's death, uh, Charles S. Dutton's death specifically. Yeah. You have to make, I mean, this would be movie magic. Johnny Depp or John Turo beating Charles S. Dutton in a murdering contest. Yeah, right. Let me see it, buddy. Yeah, totally. Dude, how on earth are you going to get the drop on Charles S. Dutton? Especially after you killed the old white guy.

First, he saw him put the fucking screwdriver in his skull. Dutton's getting out and he's ready for you. And he's packing heat, Chris. He's already packing heat. He brings it up several times in the movie beforehand that he's got a fire arm on him. And he says something what's kind of funny is, and again it just made me keep thinking about like

what kind of authority does Charles S. Dot actually have as whatever his job is in this movie. Because when they set up the whole plan, he's like we're going to go talk to him. 9 a.m. tomorrow. I'll be there. I'm going to be packet. By the way, bring your gun. This is what he says to Johnny Depp. And you're just like, wait, what

the fuck are you taught? Now it's just like free range revenge. We're just going out after these guys. What are you talking about? Bring your gun, too? Johnny Depp has no authority to be waving a gun in somebody's face? He's just a plagiarist. He's just a

blonde, bleached blonde, Zach Morris plagiarist. Time out. Everybody take a minute. Yeah, I mean, whatever. So he's fucking John Totoro. Like, that's it. Well, that's the thing. He goes back to his house and he's like, I better call the

police. And then, like, a voice is like, you can't call the police? And he's like, oh, wait a minute. Maybe I'm crazy. See, no, do, do, do, do. Oh, man, I apologize. It's not John Totoro, because this is my nightmare. Oh, yeah. Is Johnny Depp talking to another Johnny Depp?

And when it starts off, it's first just the voice. And you've heard him talk to himself in his head before, so you're like, all right, it's fine. But then a really bad CGI dual screen Johnny Depp comes out. And it's like, it's so bad, like they're not looking each other in the eye, like the fake ones looking at the real ones. nose. Harris Euland comes out. He's like, Bye, see, you found your clone. You were so busy, I had to build

another clone for you. Little multiplicity joke for the one man that got it. And so then it's like the other Johnny Depp is wherever the real Johnny Depp turns. So there's like six of them in this house. And they're all just

talking about shit. And all these other Johnny Depp's tell real Johnny Depp that he's John Totoro and we get these fucking flashbacks of him putting on the murdering hat because it's a murdering hat that John Totoro wears. It's evil. It's an evil hat.

We see him buy it and he's like oh I'm and he's like kind of like putting on a show for Maria Bella. He's like oh I'm from Mississippi and he's like oh my God I was John Totoro the whole time. Yeah he like you see him making up the person he's like I'm John Shooter. Oh isn't that funny? We're

antiquing right now. And you're like, oh, oh, yeah. And it's like, it's a really bad version of the usual suspects looking at the fucking board at the end of the movie. You know what I mean? Like, that's, you're just seeing him put together this stupid character and it's like,

he says in the movie, Terturo says, like, he's from whatever town in Mississippi. Yeah. And it turns out like that's the town from Tennessee, the Timothy Hutton's character is from. And it's, there's a bunch of like Tony Scott flashbacks

that like washed out green and yellow bullshit. Those washed out flashbacks. It's fucking terrible and the only time it actually kind of works is when they flash back to the motel confrontation and there's no like you can't hear what they're saying but it's just

Johnny Depp screaming at the two of them like it's actually kind of horrifying if you put more of that into your actual movie you got a horror story on your hands here. Well let's identify him as the villain the whole time like it's you can make a suspense if I

know he's evil or like you know what I mean like and here's I mean a fucking movie about a guy okay so a guy's already been like sued for plagiarism does it again yeah and then it's all about him trying to fucking you know loose ends like clearing up loose ends from his

point of view yeah panicked like really disgusting pathetic person it's like if shattered glass started killing all the people that were going to blow the fucking whistle oh yeah That's what I want. Take that Chloe Seven-Yeh. And Hank Azaria.

Peter Sarsgar. Well, he's not taking up here. And poor Melanie Linsky. My gosh. And I mean, like, that's when... So it twists. And then we cut to, again, because we're breaking the movie's rules all together. We're in Maria Bellow's house for a while.

And she's like, sure. I'm going to go. Oh, my God. He's going to sign the papers. I think he's really upset. I really care about him. I'm going to go. And, like, Timothy Hutton's like, well, all right.

Talk to you later. a movie. But I do have to point to say, I hate this. More than I hate almost anything else in this movie. Whoa. She calls him to say, you know, okay, I'm coming. It's fucking, okay, I'm coming over. Yeah. It's happening.

But the scene begins with her crying on the phone to him and she just drops a, do you think it's because we lost the baby? Oh, you're so right. I totally had a note. Final act, fucking we lost the baby? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get it out of here. You're 53 minutes too late for, is it because we lost the baby turns? Oh, yeah. I will say you, that is the bread and the butter of bad short story collections, is the law, the third, the third act, and then we lost the baby, or because we lost the baby, or ever since we lost. You just ran out, there was no more air left in your body. Because I was tired of it. so she's speeding off and then like it's stupid

and Timothy Hutton's like well I gave her a five minute head start now I'm gonna speed off so she gets there and if we're gonna if we're gonna fucking plagiarize ourselves we're writing shoot her all over the cabin

oh and it's eerie isn't it everybody and it's carved into the walls which is a really important detail for the end of this movie it's literally carved into the walls shoot her or shoot her And then, like, she's trying to piece together what it means. It's like, oh, my God, shoot her.

Oh, don't you get it? And it's, and this is, it's, it's two, like, big Stephen King rip-off things, like, in one. Because it's, like, the same word all over the walls, right? The same word in the shining on the piece of paper. Yeah. Right? It's just, it's right there. And then the same thing with the wordplay, shoot her, red rump.

Yeah. Fucking, fuck you, dude. How are you a millionaire? And David Kemp wrote Jurassic Park. Shoot her! Shoot her! Oh, it all It'll be great if

Muldoon's like, shoot her! Get out of here, Muldoon. All right. Talk to you later. She don't need help, kill it. No, all right. Clever girl. He's the dead baby.

He's a manifestation of the dead baby. And Muldoon as the dead baby. And the worst part about this is he's wearing the evil hat and he's talking in an even worse southern accent. It's so. so fucking bad. And he's not

acknowledging that he's Johnny Depp. He keeps calling himself John Shooter or whatever. And she's like, oh my God, you're crazy. And then like a bad fight happens for a while. There is no Dana. Only Zool. Only John Shooter. And I also think Maria Bello could kick the shit

out of Johnny Depp also. Like, honestly, like she could. She can knock his fucking little teeth out. I'm pretty sure she could. She does yoga like every day. He's fucking still eating those Doritos. she was on the remake of that I'm suspect which wasn't like a bad

for as terrible as American remakes of English TV shows get that wasn't that bad and she's like a real hard apple in that movie like yeah she could totally kick his ass that's kind of actually I feel back because I thought that's where Maria Bella was going to go she was going to find a nice comfortable TV show

just to fucking be good at for quite some time the problem is much like with this movie she had a silly hat on the whole She did I remember that That's why that fucking She had like a kind of a moonwalker hat

Yep Because it was it wasn't prime suspect As much it was Prime Hat And everyone was like I don't watch Prime Hat And it's like now we got It's lucky it's getting a second season Because fucking the blacklist is the same thing It could be called James Spader

We're stupid hats That's all I mean And a stupid black jacket all the time as well You can't just have a stupid hat, your movie or your TV show. It's distracting, and it's a problem. Unless it's madman, and everyone's wearing stupid hats because it's the fashion. You can't just have a singular person wearing a stupid hat because it's a person wearing a

stupid hat, and everyone's going to be paying attention to it the whole time. A hat can't be a character plot point. You're right. You're goddamn right. That's the problem. And that's this movie all over. He puts on the hat and becomes evil. Yep. Now it's just a murder hat. It's a crime hat. And he's wearing it the rest of the movie when he does all his nefarious deeds.

And it's such horseshit too Because instead of attempting to fight back in any way Much like Other female Stephen King characters She just becomes fucking Shelly Duval In The Shining and just starts screaming And running around the house And like weak punching him

No no close your fist Which you know how to do And knock his glasses off Yeah totally Like that's all you No one could close Apparently women don't know how to close Their fists in movies

Like never it's always that like open hand Like I'm gonna hit you with my wrist It's like a professional wrestler punching someone in the face And fine, yeah, he's eating the Doritos and she's probably, you know, having smoothies every morning with spinach and fucking, you know, things are good for you. A good old kale smoothie.

He's also been sleeping for what seems to be a month. His fucking muscle masses for shit. He can't do any of this. I love his legs are just atrophy that he's trying to chase after her. That's how that happens. I totally, yeah, I really think she could take him. I really do.

And sure as fuck, I mean, Timothy Hutton could kill him. Timothy Hutton does fill the Scatman Cruthers role in this movie. He certainly does. So, like, we go out into the secret garden and she, like, trips. Now she's really groggy. And he's like, now I'm going to explain the whole movie to you. Sit down.

Are you done with your fish yet? You know, you can't just have that on your lap. It's going to stink the entire time. Hey, lady, the credits are coming. You might want to finish that up. You didn't even take off the fucking skin. Are you fucking serious? This is a movie thing.

you know who eats fish like that garfield or bums garfield or homeless people are the only entities that would eat a fish like that i have a question for you madam are you a fat orange cat or a bum so at this point tippet hudden shows up because it's been three minutes and he was literally three minutes behind her yeah and he does the old loud mouth thing like things are over there's a little blood on the stab, but he starts doing the, hey! I'm coming. I'm getting involved. You see that shit? Hey,

you do your little... It's 2004 again. Call the police immediately on the cell phone. Yep. Get all the information you can out immediately. Oh, yeah. And then maybe start sneaking around and, you know, figure this shit out and take down Johnny Depp, who you're two and a half feet taller. Put away your air horn. Put it away. You don't need it.

Instead, he just gets hit in the face with this shovel, and he's down for the count and Maria Bellow's screaming because like she falls and hits her heads right so she's like out of it yeah and then you see Johnny Depp doing the old raising the shovel up and like bringing it down on Timothy Hutton to really

get the death blow in where was where was David Cronenberg's history of violence guy for that shop yep that's what that's let's do let's do it we're finally doing that head come on or that first 15 minutes of only God forgives yeah just a big old fucking

mass of Sutton oh yeah Or even Jeff Bridges at the end of fucking The Vanishing. That's a great shovel of the face. Oh, that Vanishing Remake? Yes. That's, there's very few great, like, metal to the face. I feel it's like, yeah, that Jeff Bridges' fucking Vanishing Remake, Home Alone's got good metal to the face. Like that iron to Daniel Stern's face.

Oh, yeah. There's ways to do it. You know the way to not do it off screen? No. But this movie's PG-13. too because why the fuck not and like I mean they might have like toned it down because they realized pirates was so big

and they wanted to get some of that audience. Yeah I don't know. I mean that is something that I do feel like we were talking about missing reels I think there's a missing reel from this because there's just too much that's rushed but weirdly it feels longer like I don't

get it. I was shocked when you said the runtime of this film because I really thought it was like over two hours I thought we were in a longer than Star Wars situation. The other thing though is when he is revealing, like, oh, by the way, I am John Taturo. You see the flashback of the car incident. Yeah.

And it's like, he just like rakes the axe over Charles S. Dutton, like, really quickly and then, like, jams the dude in the head. And you don't really see any of it. It's, like, such quick cut editing that there's, like, nothing there. Let's do it, everybody. What else am I sitting here for? For 90 minutes. It's an, it's, you know what, Steve?

it's an actor's movie oh okay yeah it's about the performances um you know it's really you know it's john tuturo and johnny dep coming together to perform for the audience but it's not i mean it's just johnny dep jane for 96 minutes and like you said it again and i still refused to believe that this movie's only 96 minutes so here's the last piece here is and she's screaming her head off because she's a dumb woman and then she gets killed right That's all she can do We black out We come back to the town

And it's sometime later Johnny Depp has new glasses on For some reason And braces Because that's what character depth is I guess is when you get braces He's got braces He's got

His hair is now cut into like a bob Yeah also He also got the lighter shade of Just for men He did It's a little bit more blonde A little bit more red It's all one color now Yeah

It's like a blonde bob Bob is what he's got going on and like there was the UPS girl by the way because UPS paid almost as much as Jiff and Doritos almost but not as much as Mountain Dew no no flirted with him a little bit

and so she's in the town and like he sees her and he flirts with her back and she's grossed out by him and everybody knows he's a murderer's like that's kind of the twist is like oh my god everybody knows and the sheriff shows up to his house when he's like typing away and the house by the way all the

scraping in the walls of shooter all gone somehow just gone yeah you replaced all the wood load bearing walls like what are you talking about who did that work by the way like you don't mean like and he's like we don't have enough to put you away johnny but we will one day and just stay out of town and he's i'm sorry but you have all the evidence you need like the house burned down who did that now this woman and her lover are missing yep he's the prime effing suspect everybody knows it and he seems a lot more relaxed maybe check his enormous backyard

where those fucking bodies might be buried totally also he definitely threw the car with Charles S. Dunn and that white guy off a cliff into a lake that's like three feet deep

no it's like a quarry it's like a it's like fucking shallow grave it's a quarry yeah man way better moving way way way way way and he's got brace here's a problem if you ever had braces. He's got braces and he's eating corn on the cob. Not possible.

What does it say that he's moved from powdered cheesy corn chips to corn on the cob? Maybe it's like a re-getting back with nature. Maybe those braces aren't real. That's how he can do it. It's fake braces. Sure. Well, that's the whole twist. Then the last shot of the movie is we go out to the backyard and there's corn where the dead bodies are and it's like oh fuck so i guess it's been months and months and months and then he's got this corn crop how are you not getting a warrant for this dude's house how on earth are you not getting a warrant steve this is the same sheriff who didn't know that killing a dog was cruelty to animals also charles has done and works at what seems to be the 10th floor of trump tower yes like it's it's beautiful nobody his last case he went to fucking out in the middle of

fucking nowhere to investigate Johnny Depp's stupid ass thing and he never came back. Nobody's coming to fucking ask about him? Margo, I'll be back after the weekend. I'm going up to the country to investigate Johnny Depp's stupid ass

thing. I'll be back on Monday. But definitely put that down in my agenda because that's what I do because I'm a businessman so everyone knows where I'm going. Talk to you later. Yeah, no, exactly. Like, people are coming for Charles Eston. Daniel Steele is wondering where her guy is. Dean Cootts is wondering where his guy is.

Like, this guy is boring. This guy's a fucking power player. Where is the literary cleaner? What happened to him? Dan Brown is bringing off the hooks. You got cut off in traffic. Thought the Vatican did it. Oh, those clowns at the Vatican,

they're trying to run me off the road. Got shortchanged at a Burger King. Vatican did it. Fucking told the Vatican, I gave him a 20. I got changed for a fucking 10. Whopper don't cost that much. Dan Brown. fucking Vatican

I love if he's like caught cheating on his wife Like she comes home Like what the fuck is this He's like Oh what Oh fucking Vatican God damn it Vatican set me up

Thought it was you JP2 had a hand in this Blaming JP2 Specifically JP2 Not the Nazi or the new one Oh man That's a great

Showtime show for you, Chris. Is the Nazi and the new one? No, it's by Ken Burns' documentary about the last couple of years. How many zoom in and outs can you have? A pulp pictures, by the way. You would think only 200. He'll get a fucking 12-part miniseries out of it.

Don't worry. Yeah, so it's like they're buried under this corn. Which is also weird because it's like, are you eating them? Like, is that what you think is happening? I'm getting their essence through corn. Nom, nom, nom, no. With my fucking braces on. That's almost as bad as Starbursts.

That's almost as bad as eating starbursts. And you're speaking as someone who had braces for a very long time. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can't be eating corn on the cob, man. Yeah, you're sawing it off. Yeah, exactly, eating it off a plate separately. Oh, man, that's just no way to live. That's not my America

And that's the fucking end of the movie, man He smiles at the sheriff And it's like It's all about the ending Yeah oh that's what it keeps saying And guess what your ending sucked It really fucking did And your whole thing

How does it end right? It's like the corn And we're just like We're doing like a real like Pan down We're like tilting down down down And it goes like Down underground

kind of, but it's just really transitioning to black. Yeah, yeah. And that's the last we see. That's the last show. Right? Yeah. There's no, like, fingers sticking out of the ground or nothing like that. Oh, no, no, no, no. Thank God I fucking wrote this down because it's going into the black and you think it's going to go underground, you're going to see bodies or something, but it just goes to black.

Cut back to an extreme close-up of him taking a bite out of the corn on the cop. And then that's the last thing you see. Oh, why, oh, why is that necessary. Why is any of it necessary? And here's... Yeah, go ahead. I got no. Well, okay, I'll tell you this, though. I don't know how much of sticklers you guys are for sticking around through

the credits. But I stick around through the credits for reasons like this, okay? Because you never know when a real nugget's going to come along. The end of the credits for this movie, right? There's no

video. It's all audio. It's all audio of Johnny Depp singing that Mama's little baby like Shorten Shorten, Shorten, Mom's Little Baby like Shorten Bread. But The whole thing, he's singing it And if you're just listening to it

It sounds like he's singing it while He's jerking off. Okay? Here's some audio The end of this movie. Mama's little baby loves Shorten Shorten Shorten Mama's little baby love shortening Bread.

short and bread the mom's little baby that's it's fucking disgusting and it means nothing like what do you what does that have to do with anything

it did come it's not in the movie whatsoever not once he doesn't sing at all is it part is it like a little audio snippet

or is it like the last song as the credits are playing it's just the very last bit of audio right as the tail end of the credits

yeah it's like the songs fade out that's just who why and what It's like the text of the credits that are almost off the screen entirely. And all of a sudden, it's like,

Mama's little baby, I'm sorry, my little baby, love thrown here, bread. It's all about the ending. David Kep's like, what are you doing in there, Johnny? Nothing. Oh, would anybody recommend Seeger window? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, no, right? This is my least, I mean, like, what I like about Stephen King, even Dreamcast.

It's bat shit stupid and there's fucking monsters and there's a little... Sure. There's something going on. There's people farting and shitting themselves to death. It's an actual disaster. Like, I... These, like, boring disasters, I got no fucking time for it. No, there's no reason to watch this movie.

There's no... There's no tense anything. There's a stupid fucking hat that makes you kill people. Also, like, why not just even have a... even pop music would make this movie so much better like one pop song of something aside from Johnny Depp just talking about the talking heads

I would actually that would be great is after he kills Maria Bella and Timothy Hutton and he's like cleaning up his life semi-charmed kind of life while he's like dust in and he's fucking getting rid of all the Dorito bags and it's the long version

with the extra verses and he's doing a little dance to himself and singing it to himself it's just for him throws out that fucking robe That's the end of it Is he also then buries that robe in the secret garden Right outside the secret window That is Secret Window from 2004

Directed by David Kapp You want to get a hold of us Check out our website WHM Podcast.com Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter We're at WHM podcast Right into the mailbag We All Hate Movies at gmail.com

And remember you have till 1159 p.m. Eastern Time to call into the We Hate Movies hotline on September 30th for this November's listener request month 7189-9-3-8-9-3 or if you're on Skype, our username is We Hate Movies All One Word.

You look like you're going to say something to see. Nothing, just nothing? Just zoned right out. You're still just thinking about secret window. Still doing about fish. You're still scarred by it. I can still smell it. A clue for next week's episode.

Ted the Handsome Dancing. Sure That's it That works Ted the handsome dancing That's all I got Until next week I'm Andrew Jopin

Chris Cabin Steve and say that Take it easy I'm in the I'm going to hell Did it a big money scribbling asshole Like you get down to a little

Shitsplat town In Mississippi And steal my god damn story Thank you.