We Hate Movies - S5 Ep172: Double Dragon

Episode Date: September 30, 2014

In this week's episode, the gang calls an audible in order to tackle the wretched video game adaptation, Double Dragon! Why in the world would you put Scott Wolf in this role? What is with that fat monster? And is Robert Patrick's villain a racist? PLUS: The mystery of which Bruce Steve was thinking of! Double Dragon stars Scott Wolf, Mark Dacascos, Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano and Julia Nickson; directed by James Yukich. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey, folks. We are in the 11th hour for our listener request month. If you want to get a call in, you have until 1159 p.m. tonight. That is, if you've downloaded the episode on the day it comes out, which is Tuesday, September 30th. If you have it, all of your iPhones and stuff have this neat feature where you can hit the plus 32nd button. Do that a couple times until you hear the music and then, you know, just you're good. Just ignore this. Yeah, totally. This does not pertain to you. But, If you're downloading it on Tuesday morning, you still want to get a call in, 718-925-3893, or for our international listeners, use the Skype username. We Hate Movies, all one word. It's exciting. We've gotten a lot of really cool stuff. I've been introduced to a lot of interesting movies this time around. That's what always happens. You're like, wait, what? Oh, no. Your two watch list just doubles in size. You get the full two-pageer. that's always what happens like I'm never going to listen to Request Month is my like sobering reminder you'll never see all the movies you don't know exactly you're like oh yeah know about that oh way to go guy fucking gibbetabab and then you're like wait what there are some stunning calls in this time around but it's also it's weird when it's like an actor you know and or a direct like you know what I mean like it's in your wheelhouse it's in your frame of reference you're like how there's always going to be one tucked around tucked away in 1993. The 90s were an odd time for making movies.

Yeah. Because you got a couple like those October, like not October films, but like right under October films. Whoever the distributor was right under October films put out a lot of shit on VHS. I mean, you're never going to get through all of Sam Ramey's producer filmography. You know what I mean? And there's just so many gems hidden within that. I mean, all the movies that Quentin Tarantino likes. dude those fucking golden monkey productions or whatever his

his like little distribution arm is when it's always like Quentin Tarantino presents you're not getting through those yeah so the 10 year rule as we always say is off the table really anything's off the table everything's whatever anything goes except for the things that don't which are movies on our FAQ page which we've said we're not going to do and movies we've done before

which we've done before come on go back and as Chris pointed out last week We are deep into 2014 at this point. There's a lot of crap that came out this year that's already on DVD. So feel free to toss some of those our way. Do a few. Do a few. But only one per call.

And the stipulations for the calls again, because like we always say, we do want to play these on the air. So leave your name, where you're calling from, what the movie is and a short description of what you think is so crazy about it that makes it WHM worthy. And, you know, there's no reason to be nervous on these calls. We're all a bunch of trolls here. You know what I mean? No one's making money on this show. Hey, I identify as a goblin. Look, can we please?

You, the listener, are doing better than us. So just call in. Help us out. It'll be fine. That's why I always feel terrible. Like, there's some calls. Like, someone will call in and it's like they'll lose track of what they're trying to say. And it's like a, oh, oh, fuck.

And they just hang up the phone. Don't hang up the phone, man. I can edit the call so you sound great. Don't worry about it. Also, speak into the phone receiver, not a pillow. Oh, I was saying this. I was saying this on Twitter. If you want to call and you're using a computer, please make sure your microphone's turned on.

Oh, yeah. There's been a handful of phone calls where it's like a minute and a half of silence. And I'm like, your mic's not on. Oh, what are you saying? What movie am I missing out on? 718-925-3893 or get at us on Skype. Username, we hate movies. All one word.

You have until 1159 p.m. Eastern Time. evening, which again, only applies if you're downloading this the day it drops, which is Tuesday, September 30th. This November, you tell us what to watch. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Thedek. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always.

If you're new to the program, this week, we're doing a video game adaptation, and you might be saying to yourselves, now wait a minute, fellas, last week the clue you left was Ted the Handsome Dancing. Steve, what happened? You could file this under, oh, fuck! But essentially, Netflix, decided to take off the movie we're going to do it. Which is three men and a baby

for all of those who guessed it. And it's coming back, don't worry. It's a stay tuned for sure. We're going to do it. We're definitely going to do it. I'll say this, though, judging by some of those guesses, listen, folks, creep show's a good movie. Creep show's a good movie. I ain't putting Creep show on this program. I don't know what you're talking about.

I understand getting even with that. That makes sense. That might even be a stay tuned also. I mean, I just feel like it'd be a tough episode to do because I'd be talking about that in McCulley's bad haircut the whole time. Like, I don't know if I could get to the plot. You could get lost in that hair. It's such grease.

Is he supposed to be homeless in that movie? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so, though. But, I mean, on the poster, he did look homeless. What is the similar film with JTT and Chevy Chase? Man of the house. Yeah.

Boy, howdy. That sucked, huh? But anyway, so we will get back to three men and a baby some other times. So this was not on our radar, but it was in that always. we have a couple of these in case of emergency break glass movies because the last time this happened we did visiting hours

that was well I will say the story behind visiting hours was like what the fuck else is on Netflix we didn't even know what that movie was and what a treasure it turned out to be we do have this like hellfish bonanza thing going on where whenever there is a real emergency

like this we go out into the middle of the ocean we drudge up a big chest full of shitty DVDs and we're like we always meant to get these at the end of our lives. And this is how we're going to go out. But no, we have to use one now. So, today, Double Dragon from

1994, directed by James Ucich. You may know him from directing all sorts of weird concert films. Oh, really? And the video from Modern Love. Yeah, he directed the Modern Love video, but he's directed a lot of, like, Phil Collins, live and

bald, and like those, like, things that you see, like, you could get them for $3 on DVD. But who could, You could care. Iron Maiden, deader than you. Yeah, that's another one that's on there. So this guy somehow got to direct a major motion. Well, a motion picture. And it was the double dragon adaptation.

And it's a radio show. So I'm doing air quotes with my... Air quotes over the whole fucking thing as far as I'm concerned. Oh my God. This is... I think I made a joke a couple weeks ago that like I Frankenstein isn't technically a movie. Yeah. Double dragon isn't.

technically a move. This is embarrassing. Scenes. An assortment of scenes. Someone captured movements and talking with a camera and called it double dragon. It makes like Mortal Kombat look like the lives of others. You know what I mean? Like it just

it looks like a really studied drama of people. It does, it does bring into question like what is the best video game adaptation of all time? It's certainly not double dragons. Really, really not. I mean, I think this actually casts Mario Bros. in a very nice light.

I was sitting the whole time thinking, like, I wish I was watching Mario Bros. I know Mario Brothers is better. I've seen, like, I've willingly re-watched Mario Bros. Yeah. Multiple times. I've gone and seen Friends of ours, Riff Mario Brothers Live. Like, I've done all that for the Mario Brothers movie.

I will do shit for this movie. I will never watch this movie again. Well, I mean, really the different, they're both overthought to death. And, like, whereas a little thinking will do, i.e. the Mortal Kombat movie, you know, you go into this weird direction that no one could ever want to be in. But it works with Mortal Kombat, though. It does. Well, that's what I'm saying. The Mortal Kombat's, like, pretty much the game.

You know what I mean? This is like, oh, and then it's a different world. But the weird problem, the major problem is the actors. Like, Mario Brothers has legendary actors in it. Like actual, honest or goodness legends in it. And it's the fuck Hopper. Bob Hoskins, rest in peace. Dennis Hopper,

rest in peace as well. I mean, John Logosama, oh, not yet. Not quite yet. Never mind. But this, I mean, the best you got is Robert Patrick, which when, that's not a good sign. When push comes to shove, that's not a good sign. He gave an iconic performance in a, in a movie that is a classic. Yeah, but like, this is like right at the end of that.

Like, he was milking that fucking thing for a while. You're totally right. And I think of anything, this was like, you know, it's 9. this happens. It's like, let's be quiet until they put you on the X files in a few years. And it's, well, you're a good three years off from like Rosewood and Copland where he kind of found his footing. Yeah, that's true. I forgot he's in Copland. He's good in Copland. He's good in Rosewood, playing a racist, I believe. He plays a racist a lot. I think technically this character is a racist. Probably. I mean, it's not in there anywhere, but he's probably a racist. The vernacular isn't really there.

But yeah, he could probably be a mean sort. I guess I just get a racist vibe from Robert Patrick, which is probably unfair. It's a bit unfair, but no, I think you're not. He's playing the night. I just rewatched for the show, not rewatched, watched the Endless Love Remake. There's an Endless Love remake? Yeah, man. Is that the movie where the, yeah, the, hold on.

Kids are fucking in the trailer. That's how you describe a movie. Yeah, the kids are fucking in the trailer. It's the movie where it's the trailer is like sexy time. And then like it's, I don't even, like nobody's in it except for Robert Patrick and Bruce, I almost said Bruce Stern, but Bruce Valange. Fuck. I also wanted to say Bruce McCulloch, but that's not right either.

Crap, what is his name from, uh, I don't know what his name is. From Meek's cutoff, Bruce Greenwood. Bruce Greenwood, my God. Oh. I think it's endless love. There was an endless love remake, and it came out this year. Yes, I was looking at it for 2015, for the best, worst, 2015. Oh, yeah.

And he's playing, like, the bad boy's sensitive father, but I'm like, is this guy racist? Like, you know what? Yeah. It just doesn't, it's always like, oh, is he racist or not? It could be racist. Is dog it racist? Yeah, now I'm remembering it. Yes, you're correct.

Yeah. The kids are fucking in the trailer, man. Yeah, they are, but that's not what I would say about that movie. Sure. So Double Dragon, we're living in a post-quake. There's a motorcycle. Maybe there was a post-quake, yeah. In New Angeles.

It's a post-quake apocalypse, by the way. In 2007. 2007, so here's that not too distant future. That's just now we're seven years outside of it and it looks silly. Yep, because we put too fine a point on things. What they don't put too fine a point on? And it's actually really lazy and obnoxious. It's the beginning of this movie, like, you got the prologue.

And it just starts off, it's like a nice like valley and there's a river. And it just, the text says, somewhere in China. I love somewhere in China. Like you can do somewhere in the distant future. Like you can use it with time. Yeah. You can't use it with geography. And it's one of the biggest countries

on the fucking planet. Nobody's going to call you out either. Just fucking pick a place in the map. That's not a Beijing suburb. Like, come on. You know, that's even better. Like, 50 miles out of Beijing, that's a little classy. And it's also, it

gives it a little bit of like military flair, you know, which is kind of like this mercenary team is going to this village and torturing all these monks, which is what we're watching, because they're looking for a medallion. Get ready to hear medallion an awful lot in this episode because

they say it at least 98,000 times in this movie. We're looking for one piece of jewelry. Give it. Where's the other half of my jewelry? Or call it an amulet every now and again? What's the difference between an amulet and a medallion? Not much. And they're both in the

same like top drawer McGuffin kind of like I don't know. What the fuck are they looking for in this movie? Go in the top drawer. What do you got there? I got an amulet and a medallion. Let's go medallion. But you know what? Medallion sounds more Asian.

A little more of a Chinese ring to it. Amulets got more of the King Arthur Flair. Exactly. Amulets are a little more medieval. So yet we start out, there's this mystical

medallion narration where we're being told all about the double dragon medallion. And it was fucking split in half. And this side does this and this side does that. Whoopty fuck. Was that from the game? Was there a medallion?

in the game? No, I don't believe so. I mean, that's the thing. Of course not. This is where I mean, the game literally, correct me if I'm wrong, listening audience, it's about a woman who gets punched in the stomach and they get kidnapped, and these dudes are out to find her before she gets cut up. That's all it is. Like, I'm sorry,

heroes, but your princess is in another back alley. Also known as two tough dudes. Like, that's just the movies. Two tough dudes. Why? Punching and kicking the game with denim cutoff fucking jackets. Big, Thank you, Steve.

Bandanas. Where are the bandanas? Like, why is it this? I was thinking about this before. Like, you can make a cool movie about, like, guys in their early 20s who are just shit-heel fuck heads. And somebody messes with their lady. And they start, like, make it like the raid almost. You know what I'm wearing a building maybe? Or we're just following them on this one trail to beat the shit out of somebody.

It's a fight-in game. Give me a fight-in movie. And how cool would it be if they were kind of like, you know, like, I don't want to say unreliable narrators, but, you know, like, a not so great protagonist. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, they're, they're a little bit of like an anti-hero bunch of guys, right? You don't know if you want to like the, yeah, it's like the guy from Drive Times 2, maybe, you know what I mean? Yeah, Ryan Gosling playing both roles, maybe? Two dickheads and a chick that got punched in the stomach. That's the name of this game.

I don't know. I trust Ryan Gosling and drive a whole lot more, and I would enjoy his company a lot more than fucking Scott Wolf in this movie. Oh, you know why? Because if you're hanging out with driver okay all you're doing is sit in the car you got the lakers game on the radio and you may or may not assist in a bank robbery if you're with scott wolf you got the fucking yep yep yapping the whole time the gates let it all out and he i know the whole thing right he's got to be the funny man up against mark de cost coast like he's more the serious guy but this is way more of a bill and ted relationship than i think they realize they're both fucking morons they're both very stupid and like the costcos is kind of doing

doing very much Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted yeah oh hello you know like he's doing it he's really trying to do like a California surfer voice which is different than we've seen him before and only the strong I think we're the only podcast in history that's done both Mark the Costco's

movies hey you know what we hate movies man set in all sorts of records don't you forget it yeah that's where the ego comes from yep that's where our huge egos come from I'm going to take a bite into this huge taco I'm eating. So they're in a...

Oh, wait, so let's finish the monk slaughtering first before we get to these guys. So this woman's going around killing all these monks and other assorted Asian people. It's kind of like the beginning of that latest Rambo movie. They're just fucking up this village, really like rape and pillage situation. And I think if you look closely, you can see Surf Ninjas being filmed. Actually, like, it's on the same...

It isn't the same black lot. Like, they're using both ends of... of the courtyard. Rob Schneider's sitting on a bench eating a sandwich quietly. Oh shit. I'm in the shot. I guess I'm in both these movies now. Hey, all right.

Can I get paid for this? But yeah. I kind of want to cut away to like a Michael J. Fox and casualties of war kind of thing. Just crying and all the horror that he's seen. No, hold him back. No. Well, so like these people are going around, where's the amulair?

Or where's the medallion? No, they're definitely not saying amulet. They're saying medallion. No, the medallion. Where's the medallion? Where's the medallion? Where's this medallion? Where's the fucking money, Lombowski?

He's looking for this thing. And this one like shrouded agent of doom like follows this monk into a cave. We then enter what looks like the set of legends of the hidden temple. Olmex there guarding this fucking medallion. But the medallion is just

on this fucking statue in the middle of the room. Yeah, it's really not. For a thing that's like so rare and could possibly bring about the apocalypse, you're really just leaving it out in the open. Way to go monks. Hellfish bonanza.

Put it in the trunk and sink it into the deepest part of the river. I never understand. Like, bury it. Just have one guy go out there, bury it somewhere, and not mark it. And then shoot that guy. No one will ever find it. Either kill him or make the oldest man in the village do it and he dies like a week later. Yeah.

That works. Then we don't have any of Robert Patrick's doings. Yep. You wouldn't? He would. Or his fucking special effects. Oh, God. You want to call them special effects, Chris?

I think if there's ever a time where we could just call them effects Yeah it would be this time It's a moderate effects Moderate effects Things that are there And look like things

Part of the shot that's not actually people That's it Or the table Or the table So this agent finds the medallion And like kills this monk or whatever And then it's like they take off their helmet And it's

Dun dun dun it's a woman oh no one of the worst actresses in history by the way she's rancid i have no idea who this person is i hope she never acted again i noticed she was in she she did general hospital apparently and that'll come up that makes sense a little later in the movie when they wink at you they do a wink they can do a couple do a few yeah oh a lot of big wings this wink this movie's got so many winks i thought it was having a seizure it's insane all the winking and a lot of it's at the back too it's like scrunched up into one ball. They just throw it all in your face at the end. So she's got

this medallion, whoopty-doo, double-dragging the movie. And then we cut to the Lee brothers who are in a fighting tournament and An underground karate tournament question mark? Like there seems to... For what? What is the little person jacking up? What is that? Because of

the quakes. Yep. So this world that we know now is so unstable because there's constant aftershocks from this like world all altering earthquake, that most buildings need to be supported by jacks like little like big

versions of your car jack. Oh, I get it now. So this little person is manning the jack that's keeping this fighting arena up is what's happening. Just do it outside then at that point. Yeah, fight in the street. Well, no, because the whole thing is there's like a weird curfew

and we don't want to be like the game. No, why would you want to do that? Fight in the street or fight in a fucking alley like you should, God damn Nobody breaks a crate in this movie. Not a single, but a trash can isn't disturbed. They actually, they make a point to fight around trash cans in this movie. Please don't upset the apple cart.

Or like, you knives, there's always knives in that game where you throw them at people and they fucking stab them. Like, that's what I want. And by the way, the double dragon in the goddamn game was their fucking tattoo. Why not just have the goddamn tattoo? You're right. They were kind of rednecks and I liked it. That's the thing. this movie should have been

holy balls white guy karate and it's not that no one in this movie has a mustache. No and it's sickening. The white guy doing karate which is Scott Wolf I mean man oh man this guy couldn't do anything. I mean there are ways to fake things

and then there are ways to not fake things. The way in which they don't fake Scott Wolf doing karate in this movie is very successful. There was like a good two months and this frustrated like black belt instructor had to deal with this shit

he was getting paid and that's okay and you know you put away for the kids education and whatever but holy man was he just banging his head on a wall white guy karate master hatchet mccoy was getting really upset and Scott Wolfe's inability to do any kind of fighting move

why would we just get an Asian guy to do they had to hire the white guy yeah that was the prestige man they thought they were making a white guy karate movie you got to get a white guy karate instructor and he definitely has to have a mullet This is how you grow your hair and face out. Now, you want to get the leg higher with the, this is a spin kick. You have to spin.

The trick is to do the spin kick, make contact successfully, and not spill your beer. You're doing it all wrong, Wolf. You're getting beer all over the place, damn it. There is no light beer in this dojo. I could kick your ass while reading Field and Stream. so yeah it's not white guy karate he's terrible at it i don't think he could get his fucking foot above his waist no you really couldn't even i can do that and i mean the problem is also like if you're going to have one guy that doesn't do karate almost you got to mirror

it with the other guy because then you have mark de cascos next to him doing all the high kicks low kicks and they're supposed to kind of be as good at as each other yeah they are i mean they're supposed to be like a fighting team that does these underground matches or whatever and Mark DeCascos is pulling the weight of the Double Dragon Brothers. Well, he's being sabotaged by Scott Wolf. Scott Wolf blows it for him. You're right.

He's like doing well like they're actually, they're making some gain on their opponents. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, fucking Scott Wolf gets into this fucking fight and starts giving this motherfucker nuggies. Jumps on his back and gives him a nougie and guess what? They get disqualified.

Wow, surprise. Yep. What? You're not ever. You're not allowed to fight like olive oil in a fighting tournament you're not allowed to jump on someone's back he should be really embarrassed that that's what he did he should be kicked off of the Lee team and they've then they have their

adopted mother who is like their coach manager trainer whatever who just has this world ending amulet hanging around her neck for what had to be a few years don't take that shit out in public

or at least put it under your shirt i mean again we're in a post apocalyptic world i think gold is probably valuable at the very yeah it's pretty possible listen if you walk by somebody in a post apocalyptic society and you see gold jewelry dangling from them and then you look closer and that gold jewelry is clearly one half of a bigger piece of something that means something you are instantly thinking about robbing that person and no one in this movie ever tucks the medallion inside their shirt it's out at all times. Whenever these medallions change hands, everybody is just leaving it

out for everyone to fucking see. Or unnecessarily taking it off and leaving it on a table somewhere. Just for the shit of it, too. Long day, I'm trying to take the shirt off, got a shower. Just throw it here. Listen, you could probably take that magical medallion in the shower. Soap's not going to

do anything to it. Yeah, I don't. Well, I don't know. The rust might not be able to end the world. That would be awesome if he... Scott Wolf takes the medallion in the shower with him. and it just like disintegrates. End of movie. I mean, that's just as good. Just get rid of it.

Make sure it can't be found. Well, that's the thing that they never do. They're like, oh, my God, if he gets both halves, we better hold on to it. Like, no, no, no, just, fuck, again, bury it somewhere. Just bury it. Barry it forever. Sorry, I don't know where I buried it.

Melt it down. You can do that with gold. Send it to cash for gold. They won't know what it is. They'll melt it down. That's the end of it. Give you a full $70 for it. Now, if you say it's a double dragon amulet,

You can get 80 bucks. You can talk them into 80 bucks. Say it was your father's. He just passed away. They might go bump you up to the full hundred. Oh, it looks Chinese and mystical, huh? 100 bucks. Amulets are 80.

Medallions are 100. So they lose this match. They get disqualified. They're actually fighting two guys who look more appropriate to be starring in a double dragon movie, which is the best part. They are double dragon. I think they just forgot who they were shooting. They're like three weeks into the shoot Like wait a second

What happened to Ray and Billy? Is that Scott Wolf? What the fuck's going on? Well, the hair on Scott Well, what's his face? Mark DeCos goes just again, as a Keanu Reeves Kind of a mop top going on. But Scott Wolf has this tousseled hair

That I just, you got, you got to, I want to just buzz it all off. It looks like his uncle is constantly How you doing, Scotty? Yeah, I wanted to reach through the TV and go woo you you you and just tussle that shit because he's a short little guy and he's walking around and he's just got this tussled hair. You're ready for prom?

You're a big boy. It's just like fucking comb that shit to the side. Put some product in there. You're in a fighting championship match right now. Like what do you do? Have some self-respect. Slick it back for all I care. Look tough, motherfucker.

You're fighting somebody. Exactly. Don't look like a Boy Scout. Boy Scouts don't underground fight. No, they're in a garbage car powered by garbage, stolen straight from back to the future, by the way. Here's the thing. Again, double dragon, almost zero premise. Somebody punches this broad in the stomach and we're out to fucking kill them. That's like it.

That's it. That's the entire game. That's it. This, the premise gets more involved and more involved, and there are conceits upon conceits. Oh, there is atmosphere going on in this fucking movie. and they pull a rope we were talking about how this robocop shit yeah in this movie right after the tournament they go straight to a jack city uh commercial where these two assholes one looks like captain lou albano from the mario brothers cartoon yeah and like i'd buy that for a dollar type like gag gag thing and like one thing okay so the quakes have destroyed the world sure yeah the oceans and the lakes are nothing but radioactivity and gasoline and guys knows what else. Probably a lot of pee in there and poop. These guys, apparently, but they're still football games.

Yeah, there's still football games. There's still television. Well, listen, we can't just roll over and die when an earthquake happens. Society must go on. We need our VR video games. And I will say, it's not like this earthquake has just happened. This is set in 2007, and they say that seven years ago the earthquake hit, which, by the way, Y2K, panic. It fucking happened.

Thanks a lot, computers. But why isn't what I don't understand is why haven't we gone to the escape from L.A. type future in this situation. Maybe because we'll get there. Like we're trying to rebuild society. We're trying to

pretend like nothing happened. You know, but it's like 9-11, man. You can't go back from that. It's a different America. It's a very different America where apparently in New Angeles The cops. New Angeles. I hate saying it all the time. God damn it. And you know what? You're not a manga. You can't say

Neo Tokyo sounds so fucking cool. And it's always Neo Tokyo. Because it's Neo Tokyo. What else would it be? New Angeles sounds like dog shit. And Old New York as well. No, I'm sorry. It's just Old York. Old York. Does everybody get it? Present Boston.

So what happened to New York? Did everything get nuclear? bombed except Lincoln Center and it's just Lincoln Center and the areas around it. And McSorley's. It's Old York and that's where that's where you go. Jesus Christ. So yeah, they're driving around in a garbage car. Well, it's a station wagon powered by garbage that they burn and they've got like a Batman, Batmobile flame at the back. Yeah, it's like Scott Wolf is throwing like junk mail into this like compressor. It's kind of like a fucking coal operated train. in a way. Well, it's back to the future, too, is what it is. Yeah, he's throwing garbage in this

thing and it's powering the car and then, like, you know, the exhaust is a bunch of flames because, boy, doesn't that look cool. I will say this about this movie. Someone aimed really high while budgeting for the explosions. Oh, yeah. They put money into it. For no reason. I mean, they are pretty great. They're real explosions. But the thing I remember most about this movie. Do you think that the producer wanted Matthew Fox for this movie that Give me that guy from Party of Five. And they're like, oh, the short one. No, what are you?

Stupid? The tall one. It's like, okay. Okay, we'll get Jennifer Lof Hewitt. And he's like, and they go, he finds out that like Scott Wolf is like two grand cheaper and he's like, hey, that's a lot of, that works. It's a lot more C4 I could buy.

I don't think Matthew Fox would have turned it down, though, considering he did that Speed Racer movie. That's just as dumb as this. Yeah, he's that, you know. It's a lot more fun, though. it is a lot more fun and john goodman also says ninja more like nonga after he murders a man which he throws a man out a window and you hear him fall to his death because they live in like a fucking cloud city type place and then he goes huh ninja more like nongia oh i mean it's a wasaikowski movie

after fucking matrix so it has to have zero tone you don't want that tone in there so you're driving around driving around and then again because scott wolf is the asshole in this movie is like oh cool a pretty girl pull over and he's like dude we're in the middle of you know the woman calls them gang bait which is a weird thing to say yeah that's a gang bait is a website you shouldn't go to at work absolutely that's what that sounds like yeah what for history yeah gangbate is a website the government is aware that you've been to even in your own home they won't make contact with you if you go there but they will pay attention to how many times a week you visit the website yeah the

volume of your downloads. This is all stuff they want to know. But you're right. It's like, oh, hey look, a girl, why don't you pull over so I can do something about it? It's like, shut up, you little turd. And then it turns out to be a man in drag. And that's

the first of many warriors-esque gangs that we encounter. It's like the cross-dressers. Is the name of this gang or something. And they're like, oh, no, it's them. And then the clowns come out. There are clowns. There's a clown gang. There's like an acrobat gang. There's a

mailman gang. You just throw themselves off buildings for no reason? Suicide, you know, they're going postal. Oh, yes. Well, yeah, I suppose. That's true. So... But the main one, the main gang, is the Mohawks. Right.

And the guy looks like one of the members of Legion of Doom. Well, it's kind of... The thing, again, and we said this animation, damnation, it reminded me a blade of the road warrior because it's this big dude. And this little, like, scrappy, like, little sidekick?

Yeah. And it's just kind of, it's like, what are we doing in this? What are we getting up to in this van at night? Who's gang bait in this situation? Let me tell you, whatever the answer is, it's the same way every time. Also, you were saying the scrawny guy played the Anthony Michael Hall character in the Weird Science TV show? Yeah. Nice.

And the, is it a bobo or a dobo? It's a bobo. A bobo. I feel like 10% stupider every time I'm. say that name. You are. Bobo. It's a Bobo.

A Bobo. It's something a bobo. It's like da abobo or something really fucking stupid. Speaking of a Skid from L.A., he's the guy who beheads people in the stadium. Oh, really? Yeah, he's got the big garden shears. Oh, shit. Well, it's nice to know he kept working.

Abo also is a name from the game. This movie is, it does his little doffs of the hat every so off. Yeah, it makes sure to get its characters in, even though, like, in some cases, it's not accurate at all. Like, Alyssa Milano's character is the girlfriend who gets punched in the stomach in the game. Yeah. It is the catalyst for all the double-dragging that happens. Which, again, I mean, I'm glad that the movie's not about a woman getting punched in the stomach and, you know, carried over her shoulder like garbage. She still gets the shit beat out of him in this movie, though.

But she's also, like, the head of Discovery Zone. Like, the manager of Discovery Zone. So Bobo, and they get into a big fight and that they do in a stupid car chase that goes on forever. It's one of the slowest car chases in history. Like, you thought the car chase in Mitchell was slow? This is just a crawl. And most of it is bad video game effects. And it's soundtracked to that fucking song from the Fear trailer.

Like the... Bup, but da da da da. Really? The Charleston? Weird thing about fear is Mark Wahlberg was doing the Charleston in the trailer for it. The soundtrack to this movie is terrible. And whatever the song is like at the end is one of the worst like, We're gonna be best friends.

You're just like fucking eat shit and die. It's all like Savage Garden B sides. You know what I mean? It's the stuff in the 90s that you really, like it wasn't grunge and it wasn't dance music. It was like almost what pop punk became sort of. But it was more like emotional. Like everybody's music video was them singing in the rain. Yeah, that's true.

You know, speaking of Savage Garden. Or like, and this one was more of a stabbing westward type song. In fact, it might have been stabbing westward now that I think about it. No, it's a band, at least the end credits because like I got to see who sang this piece of shit. It's some band called The Fam. Yeah. Yeah, no. Great.

So they run, you know, the Bobos drive him down to. Alyssa Milano's joint and they're all they are from Nickelodeon like they are, it's like the gang is the acting troupe from Roundhouse. Dude I was just going to say they look like the Roundhouse cast. Because they all come out and they're all scrappy

dudes and doing like cartwheels and like high five in each other and smiling. Whole lot of flannel shirts going on. I mean the whole thing is they are like this vigilante action group that's here to take back the streets because the whole like the whole sort of

relationship that we have now as a society, at least in New Angeles, is the gangs have a truce with the police department that says during the day, everybody's law abiding and the police department can go out on the street and do their thing and hold the piece. But once the sun goes down, it's like the, what is that shit? The purge. I almost said the pledge. That's a bad movie with Jack Nicholson. The purge, right? Now the gangs come out and if you're caught out after dark, we'll get ready to get raped. Yeah, it's New Fuck City after Dark. It's like, it's New Angeles during the day, but New Fuck City at night, man. And all the cops are like, oh, boy, the sun's going down. We better get out of here. And it's a truce they have with the gangs. And it's totally okay, I guess. And because I guess all federal law is gone, question is.

I don't know. I mean, they say the feds aren't helping. Listen, none of it is real. None of it makes sense. It's all bullshit. This thing's holding on by a thread. It's nothing. What's going on in the middle of the country is my question.

Are we just adding unnecessary prefixes to everything then? Is it like Middle Wichita and like Upper Utah now? We definitely have an Upper Utah, I feel, is what happened. The Dakotas are now just one. Just one Dakota left. We just join that together. We fixed that.

Yeah, totally. The Oregon. I mean, pretty Chicago. Chicago made it through the apocalypse fine. Thank God. There was some flooding because the lake was right there. Yeah, I don't know. That's the thing, though. Whenever you see this shit, like these movies,

and the Carpenter Escape movies are the same thing. We don't address Middle America. No. It's like Florida sank. California broke off the continent. New York is kind of underwater, too. Like, that's always what happened. At least Judge Dred has the stones to call it the cursed earth.

I mean, that's what we call it. now but like okay so it is it is just a wasteland of crime it's just like hell on earth yeah and Alyssa Milano she is uh the head of what is looks like like the troop that came to your high school and told you to like not smoke yeah yeah it's told you to not like respect your mother it's up with people and their the name is the same thing it's called the power core you know the power core you know what I mean like it's so hey we're the power core and we think that we love having a good time of doing

cartwheels but we hate smoking it's so fucking like sacrin I can't take it we hate crime and people who don't eat their vegetables and I mean like again you try this shit in New Angeles I'm wearing your fucking head as a hat that's the thing how did this gang

survive more than a day that's what I want to know because it's all just built up with the biggest fucking fat Pussies you've ever seen. Well, because apparently guns don't exist, knives don't exist, baseball fucking bats don't exist. There's no weapons

in this world, which is really strange. Because it's a fucking double dragon movie. There's, were there guns and double dragon? There were definitely knives that you were There were definitely chains. There were basically hitting with chains. Baseball bats? I mean, it was a violent

game, man. And this is a PG-13 just kind of, it's Did this get a PG-13? Oh, maybe not. For what? Oh, Robert Patrick says shit at the end for no reason, because I guess at the end, they tell him he's in Double Dragon. He's like, ah, shit. But there's definitely edited out cursing, though. Like, when the Double Dragon boys go to you shit, they're like, oh, and then there's like, Brana.

And you know that they said shit. And then Robert Patrick's like, well, you got that right. Now I'm paying attention. Ooh, I'm the devil. Can we just talk about this character of his? Well, his name, unfortunately, is cocahugo or a kogu-suko. Shuko? Kogu-suko.

I think is what it is. That's just rolls up. Why isn't he fucking Venom? Like Ted Venom or, you know, like Barry Snakes or something. You know, like, Ted Venom. Do you need insurance? You will. That's a great line.

Like, do you have a life insurance? No. Well, you better get. some, and then he starts chasing you with a chainsaw. And Barry Snakes is the guy that fingers you on a plane. Man or woman, he's just going to finger you on a plane. I just got snakes on a plane. Oh, you poor man, come right this way.

It's just, there's, it's like, oh, we do have one more seat in first class that is free. And like, oh, really? It's next to Barry Snakes. I'll stand. Slippery snake, they call him. Can I stand on this plane, please? I'll sit on somebody's lap. It's fine.

There's someone on this plane that's threatened to finger someone every 20 minutes, and I'm going to get to the fucking bottom of it as boringly and as slowly as fucking humanly possible. Liam Neeson stars in fingered on a plane. It can't be Barry's fingers. Fingered? I went to the bathroom and I didn't know I was getting fingered until it was over and I have been fingered. That's a great way to finger someone. You don't know you're getting fucking fingered until it's too late.

Unbelievable stress reliever. Wait, then it sounds like Liam Neeson's on the side of Barry Snakes. I mean, Barry Snakes. I mean, that's the twist. I was in bed with Barry the whole time. Getting fingered on a plane. It can't be sexual because he does it to everybody. Man, women, or horse.

Pathology, Louise. Pathology. That's a way better movie than Nonstop Ever Dream. it could be. It's a better movie than most movies I've ever seen. It's better than double dragon. It's better than double dragon. So Robert Patrick is a big business so-and-so. He has

the lowest of goals as like the lead villain, right? Like he's already a supremely powerful businessman. His office is in a big Donald Trump type tower. He's got an army of minions but he wants this medallion

so he can, this is great. Control the city of New Angeles. He already does. That's all, that's it. He already does. It's already, there are, I have to talk about this one shot. There's this shot in Alyssa Milano.

Her father is the chief of police or is just one of the big police. He's the chief. Okay. So there's a shot in their house and there's a box of Rice Krispies. Oh, yeah. Except for it's not Kellogg's Rice Krispies. It's Shuko brand Rice Krispies. They literally just put a sticker that says Shuko on the fucking thing.

And Snap, Crackle and Pop have Robert Patrick's sunglasses on on this box. So he's pretty successful already. Yeah. Again, we have to talk about how he looks. Shuko brand. He's got a Johnny Bravo haircut. Yeah. Which is ice blonde, really high up, kind of a Kramer, but it's like slicked back almost.

It's like if Kramer, like, combed his. hair. Yeah. I mean, like, this guy would be, this haircut belongs in a David Lynch movie, like, for sure. He could be the son of Jack Nance. He really could. And he's got like, you know, he's got like a little black at the bottom, like the roots are coming in because he wants them to, God damn it. Oh, yeah, don't tell him that he's got to touch that up. They're right where he wants them to be. The problem, though, is he's wearing a suit jacket that has zippers all over it. And that, to me, screams weird fetishist. Like, not, not even a fun one. Like a weird guy.

Like a real Barry Snakes kind of guy. You know what I mean? What's in those? Are they pockets? Or is it just like zippers? And it's like if you unzipped it, it's just his flesh underneath. It's like a hoodie? Like the zipper's in front.

There's a zipper in the back, my friend. Is there a zipper in the back as well? It's like a co tail thing? His fucking demon wings can come out. I see. Because he's that evil. Oh, he is pretty evil. But I mean, he wants to, he keeps, he says it like six times.

Like, then I'll have control of this. city you run it dude you've got fucking snap crackle and pop under your thumb you run it the food is owned by you the food that they eat so you could literally just say i'm not going to give you food anymore and kill everybody it's like hitler brand snack cakes like you won man you're at the top like so technically all you want is this piece of jewelry well he's already got the one which i mean there are two pieces of the medallion one is the medallion of the soul and one is the medallion of the body so let's explain what that means i i don't know yes exactly Yeah, you walk right into it, say that, because nobody fucking cares.

The medallion of the soul turns you into a shadow. Yeah, you turn into the hell demons from ghost. Yep. You put that medallion on and someone goes, you're dead, Willie, and a bunch of shadows fucking pull you into the ground. But first, you turn into the holes from Roger Rabbit. Like, it's just, like, because he gets all flat and flippy and floppy, and then he just turns into a regular shadow.

It's so bad. And I'm pretty sure in one shot at least they have like the saw bending sound like, they definitely do because it's like the first time that he does it and he's like trying to catch his balance. And someone in the Foley studio is just bending a saw in front of a microphone. Speaking of Rod Drape, he looks like when after the villain gets flattened. Yeah, it's when the judge stands up. That's exactly what he looks like. He looks like the judge, baby.

You're just fucking cribbing movies left and right. double dragon sickening and how i mean like it's kind of a cool power like i can't turn into a shadow you know nobody in this room can turn into a shadow tried several times but i feel like that's a couple of notches lower than the ultimate power in the universe right like by a hundred but it's like not only do you turn into a shadow and you can like zip all around the place you can go inside people and possess that's the big which is very sadly like so in this movie robert patrick turns into a weird slippery substance and then turns into different characters, huh? What's that from?

I don't know. That movie may be Terminator 2. Oh, yeah. Like his most iconic role. Yeah, you're totally right. He like turns into a shiny thing that's slippery and sliding and fun to look at. And then he's somebody, another actor's doing his lines. And then he can turn into things.

Yeah, you're totally right. Although this is what I wasn't sure of. And I don't know if, I mean, I wouldn't be shocked if they're, film didn't say consistent, but when he goes into people, isn't it Robert Patrick's voice over them? Or is it sometimes Robert Patrick's voice?

Or is it sometimes the actor? He turns it on. Like, when he's found out, it goes into his voice. Oh, you're right, because he does, there's one part where he goes into Mark DeCascos and it's Mark DeCos talking. You're totally right. Oh, man.

And he's like the, like, here's the joke. He's the worst actor ever. Because, like, why wouldn't you just like, and I guess it's just him being pompous, but like he immediately goes into somebody and then they act like the most stilted wooden person

in the world. And also eval. He can't not be evil for five seconds. Yeah, no, he goes inside somebody and then that person just goes moh. So he finds that the Lee brothers have this, the Bobo comes back and it's like, oh, I almost

stole this incredibly gold thing. off of this woman because she was wearing it in the cursed earth and obviously I would take that off her head and her head too because she wasn't hiding it and he's like oh that's the thing I'm looking

oh that's the thing I'm looking for oh shit I wish you'd I didn't know it was worth anything because she was really just wearing it in the middle of a fucking ghetto yeah that's the thing like if you have now I don't know this might be on Abo and not Robert Patrick

but you would think like A Bobo is like working for Robert Patrick for a while now, you know, Robert Patrick clearly has been talking about this medallion for a little while. That's all he talks about. You know, yeah, exactly. Like, Dr. Claus constantly talking about Inspector Gadget, right? Like, Robert Patrick's constantly

talking about this thing and how it's split in half. And Abo has heard this story a thousand times. He has to have, right? So when you see Abobo, a fucking medallion split in half, oh, maybe that's the thing DeBos has been talking about. I think, but the problem is that fucking Robert Patrick, or I'm

sorry, Shuko, I always has Lashar, who's the woman from the beginning. From the beginning. Right. Also from the video game. And I think whenever she's in the room, Abobo's just like, Duh. Look at that. That's pretty great. So the story never gets through, really. Well, it's

on Shuko for not putting a picture of this in Abobo's orientation materials. You know what I mean? In the packet with the healthcare stuff, just that's, you know, with the grid of where the bathrooms are and the fire exits. Also, this is a medallion that I want you to find. Make it double

sure just give him a tattoo of the amulet. Yeah, so he can just look and it looks like up, that looks like the thing that's been on my forearm for six months. What am I supposed to be looking for? So a Bobo's punishment and the audiences is to be turned into this

monster that makes me want to throw up every time. Oh, everywhere. It's disgusting. It's like, he's like, oh, I have the I'll make you the ultimate warrior. Come down to my shed. Yeah. And he brings him down there. and he's like you'll become the strength of 10 men

and he's like well I already do boss he's like I don't give a shit they are called Robert Patrick says he's injecting him with sub-molecular steroids sure is what we're dealing with here and he looks like like if you were to make an animated short

about hey so you have ball cancer this is like the manifestation of ball cancer this guy would come out hi I'm testicular cancer and I'm going to take your life. I'm going to bully your scrotum. Should have gotten tested. Nom, num, yum, yum.

Here I am, just munch it away on your testicle. Oh, no, radiation. Ah! Essentially. But it's like he's bloated, and he's bubbly is the problem. He looks like he could pop at any second. And then you just got a bobo all over yourself. And I guess he's really strong, but he's hideous.

and he's like enormous that he can't fit in things right and when he goes through this modification also a different actor plays the character what the fuck like I would like to think that the guy originally playing him was like

no I'm not getting in that you got me outside before this molecular mumbo jumbo jumbo fucking fire me I'm not getting in that suit maybe they tried to put it up maybe he was game for it and he looked at himself in the mirror

and just kept throwing up and he couldn't stop and they're like well Jesus if he's not got to stop we got to recast him I mean it's definitely giving you nightmares I'm sorry and you don't want your kids to see like if you were to say don't look at me I mean that's kind of

the 90s had a hard on for making me throw up right like think about nothing but trouble that movie's fucking disgusting all I have to do is think about Dan Aykroy like if I'm like man I got a little bit of like a tummy ache like yeah I want to take care of this before I go to bed

I just Google a picture of Dan Aykroyd in nothing but trouble and I fucking throw up everywhere. It's the John Candy Baby Twins for me. Oh, yeah. And it's just like, who is that for? And when I look at a Bobo, I'm like, who is this for? Like, oh, yeah. I guess it's people that really love the garbage bale kids, which also you could keep because it's fucking gross. All of that shit's disgusting and I don't want to look at it for the length of a feature film.

Thank you very much. I think there's this fucking gross fucking body horror movie from the early 1990s. I think it's called Society. And that's what it. And it's like people can like fill up your skin like with their own fluids. And like, it is. It looked exactly. The end creature of society looks like this guy.

Dude, I got a lot of expensive equipment in front of me. I'm going to puke all over it. I'm going to fucking ruin the show because you're talking about that. And it's just, yeah. It's just gnarly, man. And, like, I can watch torture porn. I can watch weird horror movies. I can do it, man.

I watched Visitor Q. I got through it, baby. This shit. I've seen martyrs twice. Wow, you went for that ride twice. Yeah, man. It's a good ride. You're damaged.

Steve Sadek, damaged goods. But, my God, this a bobo monstrosity. And he's just everywhere in this movie. He keeps popping up when you don't want him to. And, I mean, we'll get to it, but there's a part of this movie that really almost made me throw up. And it involves it. And like really, it got right there. I got good idea.

My dinner was touching my teeth again and I was like, oh no, I can't. One thing about Robert Patrick's lair that I wanted to point out, because it's really cheaping out on the production design. So he's got this big room. It's like one big command center type thing where he

conducts all of his Rice Krispy Treat negotiations and whatnot, right? So he's got this huge elevator right in the middle of the room and it's these huge, it's like this big two-door elevator and it's a big boxy shape thing right? So it's like, ding

and he's like, oh, I think my creation, Abobo is here. And the doors open and this thing is clearly just a box that the set designer made. It doesn't look a thing like an elevator. It's a room with two sliding doors that

they make. It's a fucking shed. They put a shed in a middle of a room and they were like, there's the elevator. And you can clearly see It's not an elevator. The door's open and it's just a little room inside of a bigger room. Do you think, speaking of Coco Shugo Krispies, if it's like, if he's like crackle killed Snapple and Pop. I mean, it would be some dark shit. Wait, like if they made a movie about that?

Yeah, no, that's who that's who he is. He used to be part of this trio. I need all the power. I need all the power and the amulets and the medallion. All the medallions and amulets and rights. Krispies I can take. Well, he does have, because he, when he talks to the princess,

the double dragons, I don't know. Their adoptive mother. I don't know. She's the adopted mother. Their father was murdered by Robert Patrick a while back. Oh, and by the way, in case you were wondering, yes, Mark DeCosos and Scott Wolf are indeed supposed to be biological brothers. Boshit.

Fucking figure it out, movie. That's not how genetics work. No, it's not. So, what are we doing? We're still looking for this. All right, here's a thing, here's a thing, they live in an abandoned theater. Like the fucking phantom of the opera. I can't. And I mean,

like, here's the thing. They're lucky that this woman gets killed because sooner and later she's going to start fucking somebody. Like, you know what? Like, she can't be the adopted mother anymore. Everyone, she's like, and like, this woman's like 31 years old, and they give her a white streak in her hair to denote age. You're supposed to be an old lady, but

oh, hey, speaking of ages, everybody. Mark DeCos playing 18. Scott Wolf playing 17. Har D. Har-Harr. Holy shit. Maybe that's why they have the tussled up hair, you know? But it's so stupid because in the video game, I don't remember anything about their ages being mentioned. They're certainly not supposed to be children. No, they look 46 years old. They look like fucking bikers. Like, it's sons of anarchy people. Like, it's no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, man. New Double Dragon movie with Jeff Bridges. And give me the other guy. Who's the other guy? It's Jeff Bridges and...

Sam Elliott. Oh, my God. Oh, man. That's a movie I want to watch, man. I thought I was retired. I guess I'll go out and karate fight. They punched my girlfriend in the stomach. Whoa.

Excited, Sam Elliott. That's more of an exciting. I was doing... Tony Stark built us in a cave with a bunch of scraps. Best thing I got for Jeff Bridges. I mean, so they happen upon their fucking vaudeville theater. This is what I don't get about that, right? So the first thing you see domicile-wise in this movie is them hilariously living in this huge vaudeville theater, right?

But then we cut to Alyssa Milano's home life and she's just living in a fucking house. She's living a pretty nice house. Why are the Lee brothers and their weird possible Chinese royalty adoptive mother living in a fucking squalor infested fucking theater. And also she's holding on to

and I imagine that there's a good amount of people who know about this half amulet that she's got and like

The hamlet the hamlet and I'm pretty sure that they're like you know what man this thing can end the world and we certainly

can't bury it or throw it away anything like that we can't lock it in a box put it down in the organ basement with the phantom

can't go to a bank and put it in a fucking safety deposit box I think the banks finally fell man talk about too big to fail I think I think the big earthquake got rid of the banking system but since you can't do that since you can't

bring yourself to do that you maybe want to put some money behind the person who's holding onto it and not have her fucking live on the like just off the streets just barely off the streets you're right she's got to be living in hiding yeah she's got to be Tony Stark built this in a cave from scraps

that's what she has to do she's got to be unheard of. You're not going okay to fucking fighting championships. No, wearing it. Wearing it. Wearing it in public. You idiot. I'm glad you're blown up 30 seconds from the part of the movie we're talking about

right now. It's like gold. It's like good fellas. They're wearing it. They're wearing it. That's what I need Robert De Niro to come out of the fucking the wings of this stage and just be like, that fucking fur coat, that pink Cadillac, that amulet. It's all going

back it's all going back you're wearing it to the bar it's going back what's this jimmy what's this what's this jimmy billy huh golden medallium i'm public here at this no good bring it back go go out bring it back because it's all fucking pinched this is just kick it with a little man robert de nero giving the famous robert de nero stump to scott wolf please movie gods put that together before it's too late not too late um so the best thing is they're eating dinner and like the kids And kids finally get up the courage to, hey, what's with that amulet? And it's like, you've got to be kidding me. Like, at 17 and 18, respectively, they're not waiting that long.

They're like, Mom, what's with that amulet? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's a shiny object? You don't think the kids are going to be attracted to a shiny object around your fucking neck? It's like all the time it's around her neck. Like, it's not like she just, like, put it in a drawer. So Robert Patrick shows up And he's like, give me the amulet And they get into a big fight

And the fight goes on forever She winds up getting blowed up Which is blowed right the fuck up Which is weird because this movie kills her Pretty indiscriminately A, to give the characters any motivation And B Like, but this movie doesn't kill anybody else

She's like the only one that dies And here's how much they give a shit She is blown up I mean being blown up Has to be horrible Yeah sure So their stepmother, their adopted mother, whatever, she's in fucking pieces.

She's dust. There's nothing left in this woman. She went to Maggie Gyllenhaal heaven. She's there with Maggie Gillenhall and those two guys from the end of Volcano because the one guy got his leg caught. They're all just there together. I think one of Martin Riggs's wife. A couple.

He's got nine wives up there. But like for five. minutes after that they're like oh man mom got blown up but give it like give it another minute or two and they are cowabunging all over the place again like nothing ever happened well it's kind of amazing because Scott Wolfe's

whole thing at this point is being sad that his parents are dead that's like his bread and butter acting wise so he's like fucking my time to shine everybody wants to be closer to the medallion that theme song is about four times as good as that show is at least that show

okay that's a fucking a grade theme song if you ever heard one that's a theme song you can hear out in the cold light of day and still be like all right that you hear that sleep that you hear that theme song and you know that everything's going to be okay you don't know

how or when it's going to happen but the sun will rise again and you're just remembering all those dull shots from that intro different states of Charlie having a beard and not everybody's wearing Brown. Matthew Fox

smiling. Just smiling. So he's like, he's sitting on the dock looking forlorn and he's just like, I can't believe they killed her and he's got this like box and it's great because I want Mark DeCos just goes, what are you an idiot and he just throws the box in the water

he's like, get over it. And it's like, wow, that's pretty fucking harsh. Well I guess like he, you know, it's post-apocalyptic world. Well, I mean, yeah, you got to learn to get over stuff quickly. But I think more he was like listen, I clearly don't look like you. You don't look like her.

I don't even look like her. Something's up with this. I don't give a shit that she's dead. Get over it. And you're kind of a prick, man. She was holding this all the thing together. I would like it to be, that's what the movie turns into, is Mark DeCos just searching for his family tree.

Just like, it can't, I cannot be related to you. Look at you, Scott Wolf. And Scott Wolf just doesn't get it. And he's like, what, man? I don't see color. Fuck you. I clearly look different. So she's dead and then all of a sudden we're getting

chased on a river. Oh man the river chase. I'm getting a headache. But that's like 15 minutes. Yeah. It's chasing people on this river. And it's the same thing where like they're using computers to find each other and like we got this really bad like it looks like if you

were a roller coaster magnate in the 1990s and you were making simulators to show your investors. This is what you would show them and like this is like the tracking system and they get like knocked off and they fall in the water and they go ew the water is so gross and i think scott wolf says like yeah i heard if you drink this water you get diarrhea and your hair fall you get diarrhea for a week and your hair falls out i was like drink up boys glug glug glug that would be a great last act to this movie

it's just like everyone's like hey where's the battalion i can't do anything that's That's like, you know, when it would be awesome, it's like the chihuamma scene at the end of Avengers. It's just the two of them on toilets just sitting there, like sleeping on a toilet with their pants on their ankles. Well, I mean, I feel like they feel like it's, they got to come out of that or at least maybe the day after. Maybe they go to bed and they look fine. But like the day after they have to like be mid range of the fly. Like when the teeth, when the, no, when the fingernails are starting to get plucked out with a sticky shit. Yeah.

Fingernails pulling off really gross. I always, let me tell you. really quick, it's embarrassing. I saw the hell is it called Wilde, the new Reese Witherspoon movie at Toronto, and this isn't a spoiler. It's actually a good warning for anybody out there seeing the film

when it comes out. The opening scene is her taking off her boot, and she pulls off her big toenail. And I'm in this huge, like, 1,500 seat theater. And I just go, yeah! And it's like dead silence, and I'm just like yelping from the... I was like, you fucking

coward. But I can't do it I can't do getting nails pulled off. Oh, ew! I would turn in a North Korean prison camp in two seconds. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Don't put bamboo up there and don't pull them off. I'll tell you anything. I was going to say, you wouldn't do well in Siriana.

I didn't do well in Sireana. That was some pausing. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Oh, maybe check the phone in the other room. Oh, do I smell something coming from the kitchen? Better go check it just to be safe. Then I'll unpause Sireana. It's happening to handsome George Clooney.

It breaks your fucking heart. now it evens the score I forgot about your long-standing feud with George Clooney one side I like him speaking of wanting to throw up so like you know they get chased around and they're like oh my god you know what we have to do we have to go see Alyssa Milano and her

fucking and the B-sharp's whatever the her group is that they're busy practicing like their next dance routine because they're going to the New Angeles PS 100 next week no, what they are busy doing is Alyssa Milano is torturing a bobo by force

feeding him like, I don't even know what it is. It's spinach. It's spinach. It's spinach. And it's getting, she's beerbonging to him and he's like and he's like so bloated anyway and he's like farting and it's all over his mouth. Does anyone remember

one of the lowest points in cinema when Mike Myers in that second Austin Power's movie drinks diarrhea. Yeah. And it like falls down his face. Yeah.

That's what this is. It's just, he's, it's a fat thing in a fat suit drinking green diarrhea. And wanting to throw up. And she's like trying to get information out of him. She's like holding his nose so he has to swallow it.

He's tied up like it's just binding your stomach back. You know what it reminded me of? Remember there's that one tree house of horror where Homer goes to hell. And it's like, Your punishment's eating donuts for eternity. And he's just, like, fat and tied to the chair. And his, like, arms and feet are, like, wiggling and shit. Like, that's what this is.

It's just this guy in a gross, wet, fat suit, getting spinach thrown up all over. I really almost threw up. Like, it's really, really close. And so they come, and they meet up, like, oh, you want to be on our side? And, like, obviously, Scott Wolf has a thing with her. Actually, I think they were engaged for a while, him and Elisim Malano. I did a little gossip. look it up. Oh, you mean in real life?

Yeah. Which with the characters in this movie. That would have been an interesting movie. Well, no, it's weird in this movie because like when Alyssa Milano her first scene, when she saves them from a bobo at the beginning, like she's like bending

over. Oh God, this fucking... DeCasca's like looking, you know, at her backside, you know, and Scott Wolf like hits him like, don't look and it's like he clearly has a crush on her. But like Mark DeCas is like, Ew, girls! And you're just like, what?

First of all, if you're supposed to be an 18-year-old man, what are you ewing about? Well, they're both looking at it because they do that gag twice. The camera is looking at it, Chris, in case you were wondering. Yeah. And because they do it then, and at the end of the fight, when they're going to fucking save the world, she bends over to get into a fucking crate,

and they're, boar? It's a real get-a-good-look Costanza moment. A bit of it. And the pants she's wearing in this. movie are insane like she's wearing a size it's like the 90s even though it's 2007 she's got like a bleach blonde hair she went like a soccer jersey t-shirt but the pants they're daisy dukes essentially but there is a weird thin strip of material that connects to actual pants so they're like pants with like the middles cut out it's really strange and it's clearly

just an attempt to be like well this might be how it is in 2007 they might just cut the thigh out of pants, why not? Well, I mean, it's one of those things where I feel like they're trying to legitimize the... Looking like a piece of shit. Well, that as well. But, like, whatever the costume was in the game. Like, I mean, they...

I don't remember what she's wearing in the game. I mean, me neither, but that's the only thing I can think of where this would fucking come from. This came from some assholes, asshole. That's a good point. It's possible. Like, hey, guys, I drank that water and I got diarrhea for a week. and out came all the sketches for the costumes.

They're all here. And the abobo design. That definitely came out of a toilet. A fucking unflushed toilet. Because this movie's only 96 minutes, we really just, we kind of like skate to the end of this movie. Yeah.

After this like 15 to 20 minute riverboat sequence, like, they decide like, okay, I think it's somewhere in this riverboat sequence, they find out that Robert, Patrick murdered their father, maybe. It's somewhere around there they find that out because then they're like, you know, we really need to get, or it's at least we need to get revenge for our mom.

It's the mom because they find out Patrick killed the father in the end. Oh, okay. That's when that happened. But so, like, DeCasas is like, you know what? Can we just like go home, man? Like, I got the munchies. I'm a little tired. I need to take a shower.

And like, Scott Wolfe's like, but we got to avenge ma. Don't you want to kill him? Come on. Vengeance. I'm a vengeance killer. I want to have a movie. He's like, doing. karate to the air. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. And everyone's just like, oh,

that's adorable, isn't it? Okay. I'm going to bring him home and feed him. He's going to be really tired later. Robert Patrick basically gets, there's a big warrior's fake scene. Yes. Which is like, it's a meeting of all the gangs. It's a big can you dig it thing. And the guy is the guy from the hills have eyes, the weird looking dude. He's, yeah, he's got no eyebrows. He's been credited as weird looking dude and everything. He's in all the Rob Zombie movies probably I mean I don't think he made it into those Halloween pictures and he might

not even be in Lords of Salem either Is he dead? He might be dead But I think he's in House of a Thousand Corpses He definitely is and he's he's in House of the Devil too I think or not House of the Devil's Rejects I think Anyway that guy It's that guy and he's like kind of doing

He wasn't a great actor but he sure looked weird so he's You know he's doing his best like I won't listen to anybody and this is when And again, like, what the fuck? So Robert Patrick's like, oh, you won't listen to me, huh? You won't listen to me? I'm going to rub my amulet.

And he turns into a shadow and chokes that guy's shadow, thus killing him? Yeah. In the middle of this, like, Professor X, like, war room kind of place. What? Ever. Like, come on. Shadows choking shadows? I don't need to be watching Shadows.

on shadow crime? And if that's your move, that's always your move. That's a mortal combat move. I don't understand it. That's something Shang Soon can do. Not Santory Time or whatever his fucking name is in this movie. Yeah, I mean, if you're trying to scare the shit out of Tony Goldwyn, good job. But if you're trying to impress Steve Sadek, you're not doing it.

You're dead, Willie. I'm sorry. I felt bad making fun of that dude. I want to make sure he's not dead. the weird looking guy and again I just called him the weird looking guy like a real fucking jerk his name is Michael Barerman and thank goodness

he's still alive he's 66 years young we're monsters so he yeah he unites all the gangs and now it's like again Robert Patrick you're a big fucking Bryce Krispy Magnate you have a huge office tower

with a fake elevator in it now you've united all the gangs to become one gang under your thumb why do you need this fucking medallion again dude you got it you made it baby because you know why andrew this movie keeps telling you it's one of those stupid fantasy things that happens in a lot of bad fantasy movies and some good ones too which is oh my god if this guy if the bad guy gets this thing that thing that thing he will become invincible and that's they spell that out for you in big red letters the entire movie yeah invariably in all of those movies the bad guy oh my god at the end of the movie he got everything and he just loses anyway. And it's like, oh, I thought, but I thought, remember, like, the whole movie? You were like that he would be invincible. Invincible, dogs and cats living together?

You could literally live the rest of your life as a shadow that just invisibly kills people. Like, a shadow doesn't have life expectancy. It's a shadow. Just, like, I don't understand this. Because you really need to know what the body thing is. Now, here's a question I have for you guys, because, listen. Full disclosure, I'm always honest with you guys. I fell asleep twice during this movie.

I don't blame you whatsoever. I fucking, I got home from teaching. It was a long day at work. I fell asleep twice. I rewound it to the point where I would remember things and then I would start it again, you know, but you missed things. Sure. What is with this room full of suspended animation corpses? Oh, I don't even know.

Nobody knows. What is going on? There's a fucking basketball player stuff. Well, it's where the testicle cancer is made. yes that's what's in the middle of that room he's making an army of monsters essentially and i think they've all kind of died so what i think he did is he killed like the best monsters and all the monsters got the monster party they look like monsters from fucking space jam

one is literally a basketball player where did you get that guy from so he could possess their dead bodies and use all their powers right because that's what happens is one Well, here's what they do. Alyssa Milano and the two idiots unite and they're like, you know what? We're just going to go right down, march into his office and get that medallion. And everyone's like, Scott Wolf, that's a terrible

idea. No, let's do it. We're going to march. And they go to his office. They have like a little bit of a standoff and then two of them fall down an elevator shaft all the way down this fake elevator shaft. And at the bottom is this laboratory where like there's all these

actually all three of them fall down. there. And they're like, oh, he's like, oh, go, go, go, ghost. And they're like, no, no, they're in some sort of suspended animation. And I was like, how did you figure that out? First of all. You don't even know what that means. Mark DeCosco, shut out. The Costco's like, oh, it's suspended animation. And I'm like, no, it's not. No, it's death.

Yeah, that's death. But so then, like, this big basketball player stands up and he's like, did you miss me? And you're like, that sounds like Robert Pat. Oh, uh, okay. And so he's shadowed his way down there. And he's like possessing all these guys and they're like fighting him and shit. They look like

season four of the initiative you know like oh yeah from Buffy yeah oh yeah yeah you're totally right it just and it's so it's that's what this movie does is it's like conceit upon conceit like let's just get we've got we've got our escape from New York reality

we've got the amulets yep we've got shadow people that's all I need what more what more could you possibly jam pack in here a lot of stupid shit then we're in the last act of the movie fucking finally. They,

Kakashugo or whatever the fuck, shadows his way into, Mark Summer's summer home. Dude, so basically Mark DeCos gets getting after the end of the basketball seed. And, you know,

Scott Wolf's putting the moves on Alyssa Milano and nothing's happening. They almost make out and then people, ninjas barge in or something. They're interrupted by ninjas. By another band. In loving color extras. The fly girls fucking break into this hideout.

Which this hideout is a Nickelodeon set, complete with arcade games everywhere, green slime. That's the thing. That's the thing that drove me nuts. There's water in this place that's colored green. People go into it and nothing happens. So you're telling me, you sons of bitches, that you spent the time to die the fucking water green just for the shit of it. The last clean water in America, by the way. Yeah, what the fuck?

And people are skateboarding all over the place. It looks like where the Foot Clan hang out in that first Turtles movie. But it's all clean and nice and... It's gorgeous. I would love to hang out here. Like, this could be a really hip place in New York City to hang out. Full arcade. It could be barcade.

It's the barcade chain. Yeah. Put a little skateboard ramp in a barcade. You got this hideout. And they're playing that terrible 90s song. Back to the bit of the minute around again. I'm going to make it till the end, 100% pure love. Oh, fuck that song, man.

It belongs in Double Dragon. It really belongs in double dragon. It belongs safely locked away in the 1990s. Like, that's where that song belongs. That's like one of those songs that almost makes your ironic 90s mix. They're like, I don't want to listen to this. I already have a CNC music factory. Why do you fucking do it?

And CNC is way superior. absolutely 100 oh no it's the rest of your day yeah damn it so Patrick possesses

mark de cascos and like again here's the thing if I'm gonna if my opponent who all I need to do is fucking rip rip a chain off of

this dude's neck that's all you got to do any any gang member in Brooklyn could do that in fucking five seconds you get anybody just rip it right off his neck you're a criminal mastermind

You should be a good manipulator of people, one would think. And again, like, they're doing the action movie thing where everyone's fighting it. No, just everyone's swarm. Hold this little turd down. It's on Scott Wolfsnack, by the way. Yeah. Hold this little turd down, rip the chain, done. If you want to kill them afterward, fine.

But then you've got your medallion. It's astounding that all of these people assigned to get this medallion half. They're on the payroll of Robert Patrick. like they all just stand around with their fucking thumb up their ass while one person at a time tries to fight Scott Wolfe tries to fight Scott Wolf everybody talk about incompetence with these gang members and why not just because as it turns when the Costco comes back in with Robert Patrick in him yeah why not just like like like side hurt like oh I was just he he got me he got yeah I've been tortured come and come and cradle me while I die and let me have that fucking medallion. Oh, you mean have a plan, Chris? Because, again, he comes in and, like, you know, they're being besieged by bad guys. He kicks one of them like, oh, awesome, Billy's back.

And they give a high five. And he's like, no, I'm not. I'm Robert. No, don't do that, you idiot. Like, that's, you have, like, oh, hey, Billy, give me that amulet for one second. I just want to see if it fits around my neck. Oh, sure. I found out how to use it because Scott Wolfe can't figure out how to fucking use it.

That's a no. Oh, man. that's annoying. Well, you know, I'm just going to, and here's how he finds out he's going to, you know, he knows, okay, he knows full well that if Robert Patrick gets the other half of this, supposedly he's invincible, and the world's going to end, right? It's such a powerful amulet. So they're all there. Everybody's present, okay? He's getting his ass kicked, and he's like, yeah, this fucking stupid amulet, I just can't figure it out.

And he rips it off his neck, and he throws it away. He throws it away. and this thing stops in mid-air, very crappy effects. Oh, yeah. And then it, like, comes back to him, like a fucking magnet or something. And he's like, oh, that's how I... Oh, I did it. And I'm like, dude, you just threw away the world.

Because you had a temper tantrum, and you threw away the world. All those times I tried to rub it on my crotch. It never worked. Not once. And if it doesn't work with my dick, I don't want it. Get it away. Scott Wolfe. He's such a little stinker in this movie.

He sucks. He fucking sucks so bad. So he becomes invincible. Because remember, DeCos, or Robert Patrick, has the soul part, which gives you shadow powers. The body part is, you are invincible. He finds this out because Robert Patrick kicks him through a concrete wall.

Yeah, I could watch that a couple times. I want the, I want the jiff of that. Yeah, and animate, yeah. Note to someone who likes making jiffs. Scott Wolf going through a concrete wall. I could also, if you really, if you know, you got a day off and you got nothing to do really, if you want to make the website with all the different pictures that make up the whole website of the animated jiff, just going over and over again, I could do it.

Just don't jiff that fucking spinach scene. Oh, fucking. No, I'll vomit everywhere. Vom it and shit myself out of fear. So here it is. So I think he rips, finally, DeCosco slash Robert Patrick gets the better of him. Fucking finally. Rips the amulet off, and then he turns into Robert Patrick, and he's like, I have the ultimate power in the universe.

And everyone's like, oh, fuck, here it comes. I mean, I guess the movie has to be over, right? I was on the edge of my seat. So he puts them together, and all the light in the world goes into this amulet. It's actually Planet Melancholia. You see New Angeles have a pretty serious brownout. And you're like, oh, my God, is he going to turn into a dragon? It's double dragon.

He's going to turn into something. He turns into two vampire jack palances. Their oil-faced monster-looking orc motherfuckers. And that's it. They each have swords. And I'm like, okay. But wait, Steve, the ante's up. Because the swords, well, they can just cut through anything like a hot knife through butter.

But isn't that terrifying? But somehow they wobble like rubber when they're being thrown around. But, like, if he puts these amulets together, the world ends. That's what you've been telling me for 92 of the 96 minutes of this movie. You son of a bitch movie. And also, if you have a sword that can just, like, slice through metal, like nothing. You're just cutting through all this shit. I need to see somebody get split in half.

Yep. This whole movie is half medallion, double this, double that, fucking double cut somebody in half. Maybe a bobo. Just fucking put him out of his misery. Please, I'm sure he'd love it. There are parts where he's like, God, I'm so ugly. And you're like, fucking do it.

That's my favorite scene. That's not happened quite yet, but that is my favorite scene. What he realizes, the monster he is. Look away. I'm idiot. Well, he looks at like this picture

of a beautiful girl. Oh, she's pretty. And then he sees his face of the mirror. Like, no. Look away. I will be your freak no more. This mom has been dead for Cate Gage would never have sex with me.

And I mean, like, it's a little too late in the game for I'm not a monster, all right? You miss that Mark of Bobo. Yeah, exactly. It's just not time. And it has to be a thing, too, where... It's kind of like at the end of Street Fighter. I'm sorry. When Dalcim is like, I will take care of this monster now.

No, no, way too late for that shit. For as you see, Raiu, I made him, and I must be. be the one to destroy him. I'm Dalcim. You know, Dalcim and Blanca. Best of friends. Come, Blanca. Let's close this curtain together. No.

No, no, no. But what you need, though, is for a bobo, Jesus, Lord in heaven, a bobo has to be like, he turns on Robert Patrick and he's like, you fucking made me this way! And he like jumps on top of me. He starts fucking pulling his ribs out of his body. Like, that's what has to happen.

Or, like, or a couple of scenes where he's trying to kill himself. Like, maybe he puts a fucking, he's got a noose from a ceiling fan, and he's about a goodbye, cruel world. And he falls, and the whole ceiling falls on his head. They walk out of the power corp headquarters. And they just, they go next door and they notice that there's, like, stuff coming out from the garage. Oh, the gas. And they open it. They open the garage.

door and blaring inside of the cars 100% and he's just fucking dead don't know what you get until it's gone this big fat pig's dead in the back of the Cadillac

no it's him and councilman Peter Russo splitting a six-pack just doing it whatever movie and I mean like the vampire palances are doing their best, but they're not the most powerful

fucking thing in the universe. No. And then the thing that's so fucking dumb is they're like, they discover like, oh, okay, well, now we can fight them for some reason. Oh, because Scott Wolves got the body thing. And they do. The cheapest move of all time on these. Oh, yeah. They get, they push the two things into each other and sort of like Ron Silver. They like melt back into Robert Patrick. Yeah. And he's like, well, that was shit. short lived and then they do this bullshit like we're going to lock arms and throw kick each other

so it's like to Costco like gets picked up by Scott Wolfe and they do like a dance move well is this after they get the jazzercise karate geese no this is before that oh yeah it's before that yeah the jack palin's neat demons um when they come back into robert patrick the the medallions free oh that's right it's free and then they put it together and that's when they get their sparkly outfits. But they do this dumb like first you kick them then I'll kick them and what's great is it's so fake because the way they're doing it

is like they're putting the camera on the floor looking up and you're seeing the person like who's being thrown like you're under them like looking up at them and it's Scott Wolf like on a wire just like whoa yaha karate well I mean you know how much

excruciating it must have been to film all those Lord of the Rings movies where like Elijah Wood has to be a lot smaller than everybody else. You have to film it twice. Yeah. And everything's got creeds. That's how they had to do this movie. Because like, any time any karate action happens, it's like, well, there's a week. I mean, we're going to have

to shoot Mark. We'll shoot Mark. That'll be really easy. And then I guess we'll have that face shot of Scott going and then we'll get Tony in there. Okay, then put Tony in there. Yeah, put Tony in there. Tony in there. Tony. Tony would be his... Tony needs a lot of coverage.

Tony, by the way, is a female Stutt woman In a Scott Wolf wig So the brothers get Both sides of the amulet Each holds a piece And they put it together And then they get these

Dipshit Elton John Looking good by Yellow Brick Road costumes It's just stupid It's so stupid And they bother to have a second Where they quip about like Like DeCos goes like Yeah these are all right

And he's like glad I didn't get the blue one And Scott Wolfe's like What's wrong with blue? And that's a thing that has to happen And then they get back in, they're like, all right, now we're going to get him. Well, before they get him, their adopt mother makes an appearance. Oh, man, as a floating head balloon. It's like the Mr. Sparkle logo.

It just pops out of nowhere. And she's like, I knew you could do it, boys. Go fucking kill Robert Patrick. It's like, when did you record that? Well, I don't know, I mean, maybe she was like trapped by the vampire Jack Palances and then. They freed her with their sparkly outfits. I'm picturing, by the way, somewhere right now in hell, Jack Palin's like, why the fuck do those losers keep talking about me?

Why is poor Jack Palin's in hell? He knows. Okay. So the mother head balloon is like, go get them. And if you were, like, let's just pretend. It's been 93 minutes. And you know what? The first 93 minutes aren't so bad.

And you're like, I kind of like double dragon, but, you know, this is different and it's different enough it's cool yeah i like fake robocop things maybe i'm too young to have seen robocop right any good movie so this is my first movie ever and i'm getting invested in it then this is great but then in the 94th minute that movie can't even allow you to enjoy this movie because there has to be a double dragon fucking arcade game oh yeah prominently in the background and i'm like well there's the reality that's well it's broken it's broken You don't see Bob Hoskins playing Super Mario Brothers. No.

That's bad. But right before that is the one that, I mean, this one just, I jawed drop. Oh, I think of it. Alyssa Milano is getting cornered by Lashor, who is Robert Patrick's lady warrior. Oh, yeah. And she just, they just cut to this line, by the way. Yeah, it's not. She just says who's the boss.

Oh, yeah. Oh, mercy me. Well, that's what's even worse about it because she was on General Hospital. Apparently, this is an IMDB trivia. So she says, who's the boss? Because it's not even in line. She couldn't say it like in the middle of action. Like they cut to her face.

Who's the boss? And after that, like, and then she finally, then Elizabeth Malano gets the upper hand. It's like, well, you're going to be in the hospital. And it's like, General Hospital. Who's the boss? One more of those? Because we haven't talked about these characters because they're fucking useless and nobody matters anyway. But.

Oh, I forgot. So Robert Patrick's got like the whip lady. That's his one minion, but then he also has these two Asian dudes who are... One of them, I'm pretty sure, is the guy who electrocutes Riggs. The one guy is in every action movie from 1985. So I think it's probably him. Yes, it's him. But so it's just these two guys.

They're just like bumbling idiots. It's kind of weird because they're Asian guys, but it's two Asian actors doing like Jewish man impressions, which is really weird. But there's one part where Robert Patrick goes up to these two guys and he goes, Huey, Lewis, what's the news? Fucking eat shit double dragon movie. Like, are you kidding me? Well, we were talking about this Lashor lady's delivery. Earlier in the movie, when the mother's about to get killed and they light the fire.

Yeah. Another just stilted like, deliver. Hey, cut to her. Deliver the line was, is this fucking, is it getting, is it me or is it getting hot in here? holy smokes it's so bad how do you get away with this shit how do you get cast in this movie

I have no idea how many other actresses were busy that day they saw your Burger King commercial get me the girl who loved that whopper oh her on it so I mean they beat Robert Patrick

and again you'd think you would think that they would kill him like or you know action movie kill him where he falls like they kick him and then maybe he's down but then he runs at them and accidentally falls off a cliff or something because he blew that lady up let's be

honest here totally you incinerated a woman let's fucking get some vengeance here you also you also created fucking a bobo the fact that it's not a bobo like coming out and being like let me do it and like he tackles Robert Patrick off of like a catwalk and they fall into a lava

pool together oh yes or something and it's kind of beautiful a little bit yeah it's in slow motion a bobo's spitting fucking spinach all over Robert Patrick You know, and they head first into a lava pit Abo gives a thumbs up very slowly as he sinks in Because we love stealing from Terminator Well, I mean, Bobo's got all this muscle

I would love it if he just fucking like Bended and folded him like a trash compactor He turns Robert Patrick into a cube And then eats it A blood soggy cube And yes And you know, speaking of you know Garbage Pail kids

Or it's like It's at the end of trading places when Paul Gleason gets fucked up by that gorilla? You know, a lot of people forget that that happens in that movie? Oh, 100%. He gets raped by a gorilla. Poor Paul Gleason.

The vice principal from fucking breakfast club gets sexually assaulted by a gorilla multiple times. Oh, the 80s. Yeah. You could just get away with anything. So long as Eddie Murphy gives a wide tooth grin at the end of it, it's fine.

so here's the thing also yeah he's not killed here's how they beat him into submission three kicks to the chest and he falls into a folding chair and they're like we got you now and he's like yeah i guess you do cuff me yeah just cuff me And then, like, DeCoscoes, like, goes inside of him. Because he's got the spirit amulet now. Yeah, the half of the medallion there. And this is where, like, Alyssa Milano's father, the chief of police, barges in. And because DeCos is, you know, possessing him, he's like, well, just put the handcuffs on me. By the way, I'm also going to write the police department a check for $129 million. Whatever.

Big figure. And he has, like, a weird check machine, I guess. It prints a credit card and he's like, here you go, it's a check because it's 2007. Well, at one point the police quit because the gangs are in the middle of the street and they're not on the truth is off. The truce is off. They're attacking people in the day and like, oh my God, we're undermanned. And this one cop goes up and he's like, we're getting railed out there, which is just such a bizarre word to use in a four kids double dragon movie. The word railed.

Use that word around these people, please. It's so awesome, though, because the chief is like, all right, we're going back out there. That's an order, God damn it. And they're in, like, the locker room, and everybody's like, nope. And he's like, fine, I'll take the city back by myself. And he just walks out and they're like, hey, where's the chief going? And he, like, walks out and he gets in a police car. And he definitely does the look back, like, they're going to be fucking following me now.

No, all right, friend, you got to do it. You walked out. You made a big scene with everything. Get in the car and drive away. Well, I guess I'm doing this. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Stop me. My mind can't be changed.

So he's... Three, two. He shows up and he's like, wow, you did my job for me. Excellent work, everybody. Oh, I check for $129 million. That sounds great. Guess I will take money from someone I'm arresting.

That's not ethically curious. Virtual reality. For all you kids. everybody gets a Nintendo Red well that makes you want to sing gonna go back to the middle and around again 100% pure love

oh man and it's like fucking song sucks so shitty and it was so popular how is something so shitty because you need to Roger Rabbit to something Andrew I would love it if a fucking

wall fell down and a bunch of cartoons came out all singing that song at the end. Well, Robert Patrick's just taken into police custody. Well, I mean, if I have that power, though, like Mark DeCos can just go into this guy's body, I would go into

that body and then like, fine, because I mean, it's New Angeles, there's clearly, you know, neo-Nazis are just rampant. Yep. Sure. Rotten with them. Whatever the local neo-Nazi bar is, you know, the swastika house. or whatever.

That might be one. And just start fucking laying it out. Just like being an asshole. Just like kicking people and fucking, you know, really rousing a couple of years. Engineer his murder. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's a question they never answer in this movie. One, when you're inside somebody, can you feel pain inflicted on that body?

And two, if you die while possessing a body, do you die? If you die in the game, do you die for real? Is a question. If you die in the game, do you die for real? That's what I want to know. I just think you lay out like five big lines. Die for real. And then you get out of there.

And then you shadow out. You give him no way out, essentially. Make sure you're right smack dab in the middle of the bar. And again, we're stealing from a street fighter because now Zeng keeps one of the home team. You know what I mean? Seemingly out of nowhere, too. It's because he realized he's ugly. Yeah, he's like, oh, I'm so tired of fighting.

I'm so tired of being a monster. I'm too ugly to be evil. Could you, could you choke my shadow? please you have that ambulance i think it's the only way to kill me look what i did to this puppy just just choke my shadow so it's a big like you know well can i hang out with you guys maybe we can be triple dragon you're like oh you fat puppet monster it's disgusting you fucking obese garbage pale kid and he's got like fucking spinach farts everywhere and so like his whole thing i guess from the beginning of the movie was he was very

proud of his driving prowess and so he's like well if we're going to hang out maybe I could do the driving and they're like yeah okay you fit in there I guess and this is like the last shot of the movie is like this fucking horrid monster

is driving this car you got Mark de Costco and Alyssa Milano in the backseat and here is like the biggest flub of this movie we know from this entire like 20 minute sequence Scott Wolf has the part of the amulet

That makes you invincible Sure Mark DeCos has the part of the amulet That makes you turn into a shadow And you can possess people Better part of the amulet by the way Oh yeah that's what you want Screw that invisibility

But so DeCosco somehow thinks That Scott Wolf has his half of the amulet And that Scott Wolf has gone inside this fat monster He's like playing a game Yeah and so he's like like, yeah, there's no way this fat monster could want to be friends with us. It's got to be my brother messing with us. So I'm going to mess with him. And he's

like, well, say there, Bobo, think I'll make a move on my brother's gal. And then Scott Wolf like pops up from the back seat and he's like, hey, wait a second. And I'm like, wait, no, you wait a second movie. You're mixing up which brother had which amulet. What a fucking flub. That's

so embarrassing. All for the sake of a joke, that's barely a joke in the first place. Well, they're all barely jokes that are... There is no joke. I kind of just realized something about Scott Wolf is, if Scott Wolf existed in, say, 20 years from now, when

Matthew Broderick is dead and has been dead for a couple of years, we'd be like, yeah, I think we're ready for that again. You mean the next producer's remake? Yes, not concurrently with Matthew Broderick. We have our Matthew Broderick. We're fine with him, I guess.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I could see him picking up that mantle. Yeah, you're doing nothing with it just like Matthew Broderick does. Sure. So they drive off of this guy's spinach farting, and I mean, and that's it. This dumb song by The Fam starts playing. The two sidekicks have a Will Hensch for Money. Oh, yeah, they're hench, out-of-work henchman gag.

No, thank you. Stop it. Keep it at home. And it's just this weird, like, oh, what are we going to do about it now? We can't be henchmen anymore. And I'm like, why are you talking like this? I think the song goes. hold together now or something like that it's it's all about we're holding together now we're best

friends look on the bright side the sunny side of the street anything to let you know that this movie had a happy ending with a fat pig man driving a car who's ruined for all time like you know what maybe the friendship of the double dragons will get you through like a day yeah it's gonna wear off pretty quickly and in the end you will inevitably take your own life you have to right That's what I want to see. The sequel to Double Dragon is just a bobo going into situations and trying to trick people into murdering him, right? Like, he's the one that's going into the Nazi bar

and he's like, I love Jews and seeing what happens. Or maybe he's like Virginia Woolfing himself. He's putting a bunch of rocks in his pocket and wading into the Los Angeles River. You would need a ton of rocks. The rock of Gibraltar, maybe. Would anybody recommend Double Dragon? No, it's not even like Mario Brothers Fun or, I mean, like, it is really low on the, I didn't see that Doom movie, and I may never.

Doom has like a really annoying, like, first person shooter sequence in it where you're like, you take the POV of Dway of Dwayne Johnson for like 20 minutes. Well, that's something that all of these video game movies do for the most part, which is stupid, we just try and mimic the gameplay. And this one does it too. Everyone has these little, like, or for a while people have like these identification modules that like show who the person is like you would when you were fighting people in the game. And it's like, who's that for nobody? Because it's not, you really have to be paying attention to recognize that that's what that's supposed to be. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

Because in the video game, it's just the thing at the top of your screen that you kind of pay attention to but not really. It's just looking how short the bar is. I'm not looking at what the fucking face looks like. I don't care that this guy's name is Kevin that I'm beating up. Fuck it. Who cares? Well, it's like those earlier comic book movies that were like, oh, you know what we should do is mimic the experience of reading a comic book. It's like, no, just make a movie.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just make a movie. Yeah, it doesn't. And all video game adaptations that will come out, you know, after this podcast there, you know. Like, take warning. You don't need to make it be, like, gameplay. That's the worst idea you could do for your movie. But I will say, Doom is a much better movie than this.

Oh, yeah, because Doom is, one, a movie, two, a movie. Yeah. And three, Dwayne Johnson's. A movie with Dwayne Johnson. It's acting. Yeah. And not, Scott, well, I mean, no, you cannot watch this movie. Do not watch this movie if you can.

Unless somebody is like, okay, I'm going to kill your family, then maybe you watch this movie. Dennis Leary breaks into your house and ties you to a chair with with your wife who you're fighting with and makes you watch it. The ref, anybody? Yeah, I know that movie. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it either. Not a movie. Not a movie. Yeah, there's, would you recommend,

wouldn't you recommend, or is this a movie at all? And I think it's not a movie at all. I agree with you. That's Double Dragon from 1994 directed by James Yukich. If you want to get a hold of us, check out our website, WHM Podcast. like us on facebook and follow us on twitter we're at w hm podcast right into the mailbag we all hate movies at gmail dot com the worst video game adaptation in your opinion you have but precious

few hours if you're listening to this on the day it drops tuesday september 30th to get your call in for november's listener request month 718 9253893 is the number to call for the we hate movies hotline or contact us on Skype our username is we hate movies all one word no spaces all lowercase letters. Clue for next week's episode. Brian Robbins. Yes. Unless they take that movie off Netflix, huh? It's Brian Robbins unless my VHS tape burns.

Okay, good. So until next week, when we figure out what Brian Robbins was up to, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. ALEEN SULLIVANILEEN SULLIVAN