We Hate Movies - S5 Ep178: Johnny Mnemonic

Episode Date: November 11, 2014

On this week's episode, the #WHMLRM continues as the guys tackle the 1995 cyber-punk thriller, Johnny Mnemonic! What's with this narration-less scroll? How is Udo Kier not a vampire in every film? And what's with Ice-T dropping cars on everybody? PLUS: The guys debate Catfish and also show their love for the great Keanu Reeves. Johnny Mnemonic stars Keanu Reeves, Ice-T, Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Dina Meyer, "Beat" Takeshi, Barbara Sukowa and Udo Kier; directed by Robert Longo. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Mandra Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Seda. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. hate movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. If you're new to the program, you're catching us in the second week of our very popular listener request month. That is when we have people call in in advance. Request

an episode that they think, you know, might be worthy of our riffing. And then we check it out. And so this is one of those things. And this week, it's Johnny Nemonic from 1995, directed by Robert Longo. It was requested by Alec from Toronto, who had this to say. Hey, we'd hate movies. This is Alec calling you from your favorite fake New York, Toronto, Ontario. And I'm calling to request a movie shot here in Toronto, the corporate espionage cyber thriller Johnny Mnemonic, starring a pre-Matrix Keanu Reeves performing a great performance in the film.

There's cyber hacking dolphins, Dolph Lundgren, Beakedkechee, Ice-T, Henry Rollins, just a whole lot of fun. So, hope to see it on the show. And he's not wrong. All that stuff is in this movie But you know what, Alec, most movies are filmed in Canada Let's not just Let's not throw darts at poor old Johnny DeMonic

It's just, you know, everything films in Canada It's a fake-looking Brooklyn Bridge that they got in this movie too Well, isn't it, aren't they in Newark And then the Brooklyn Bridge is there for some reason Or do they do some drive in to get there? That was supposed to be the Brooklyn Bridge? I think Ice T's like base of operations is supposed to be the Brooklyn Bridge

Because most of this movie is set in and around the free city of Newark. Yeah. Just imagine, after all those future wars, the dump town of Newark, New Jersey is what survives at all. Or it's the free city of Newark. Free city of Newark is what it's called. So now, does that mean the rest of America is enslaved or has this, like, have they been kicked out of the union they've done so badly? Oh, Newark did that bad that they got booted from the United States of America in general? Well, no, entirely possible. All of Chris Christie's spite campaigns ended in Newark

being kicked out of the union just to show him what's what? I love that it's just the city of Newark by the way. All of New Jersey, no. Totally fine. It's still a state. It's just for some reason Newark, New Jersey. They got the international airport. So take that, New Jersey.

So Johnny Neumannick, one of the most important things to recall about this film before we talk about it at all is that when this was released on home video, A cane in a neon orange VHS cassette. Not unlike your, are you referred to the dark tapes? Or the Rugrats movie.

So it's stuff for children and Johnny Nimoy. It's a real special kind of movie. But it was so cool, right? Because it was bright, colored. And then you could put it in your brain. No, no, you put in your VCR. You're thinking of the Johnny Mnemonic puts things in his brain. Oh, okay.

You're confusing reality. I think I watched this movie wrong. If you watched it at all, you've watched it wrong. I'll tell you that much. So this is what you would call a cyberpunk thriller. We love saying that. It's also like a big literary thing. This is based on a story.

It's written by the grandfather or the father of cyberpunk, which is William Gibson. He did a lot of those stories that I'd never really read and never kind of was interested in reading. really listen to the chemical brothers and I kind of didn't get it. Apparently, you know, like he's very well respected. I haven't read any of his

stuff, but I do find it suspicious that I just, in preparation for this, I read up on him a little bit and he mentioned writing one of his first novels after seeing Blade Runner and thinking people would think that he copped off a

Blade Runner, and I was like, well, now I think that. Because you mentioned it. Also, I mean, this whole city scape is Blade Runner. Like, part of this movie is set in China and, like, that's all... Well, they got that right. They're on the rise.

Right. Well, I mean, the Blade Runner future is very, like, Asian influence. And he's a very... That whole city's a Chinatown. He's Decker. Like, let's not fucking, let's call a spade a spade here. He's Decker. You know what I mean? Johnny... Who's not called Johnny Nemonic. He's a

mnemonic courier. Can we talk about the scroll in this movie? Oh, yeah. We're back to a scroll starting off. God, how I've missed it. Holy shit. Peyton, we don't get the Star Wars burst to let you know that the movie started and here's, I need something maybe before a scroll. You can't just opening title card then scroll. You know what I mean? Letters just come up with no audio around it. And it's, yeah, it is silent. It's like, and it's got a bad like Windows background.

And I mean, this scroll goes on. It's pretty accurate for today's standards. It's got the corporations have run among. Yeah. They're now, they, they use the yachts. The jacuzza is muscle. Which happens all the time. Yeah. I mean, try not paying your bills for a while, am I right? Go to Seattle. Go to Seattle and see what Microsoft will do.

Yeah. The yakuza are everywhere. Bill Gates owns the Seattle yakuza. I mean, they're stationed in Redmond. That red stands for blood. Yakuza blood. And there's a, there's a Nas virus. Yep.

NAS. NAS, not the rapper. No, it's a, it's a disease that's come up because our bodies are being soaked in too much electromagnetic waves because of all the like gadgets and doodads that we use every day. Your fucking iPhones, your tablets, your Kindles. Everything. It's poisoning you with the Nas virus. Which I mean, makes you, gives you what they call the black shakes, which are just the shakes. I don't know how they're different than any other colored shakes seemingly all it does is mildly inconvenience you every so often

Every now and again Can I make a terrible joke? Please. If you are stricken with the Nas virus You become Illmatic There you go All right I'll be in the parking lot For the rest of the episode

That was one of his albums or Nause is Illmatic It's a very famous hip hop record Oh cool All right well we'll move on since you're bored and I mean this thing's just going on it's telling me like what the current gross national product is

I was going to say the exact same joke the last year's election vote results are in there like you really need to trim this down 140 characters or bust unless you're going to have James Earl Jones read it to me exactly there's no narrator right but then after that scroll was done we open on the internet

Yeah, 2021. Holy shit. The internet as in a place. It's like a superimposed, this is the internet, and it's a bunch of trapezoids. A couple of rhombuses are in there. There's some cool colors going on. It's like, uh, some, some cars are flying by for some reason. I don't know.

Maybe it's a chat room. It's like that episode of Muppet Babies where they go inside Scooter's computer and it's basically like a shittier tron. Yeah. That's what this is. That's what this is more or less. Like if the Tron world existed for so long And they started putting up luxury condos everywhere

Don't get me started And then it's kind of fall into a little bit of disrepair And it's just like, oh God, this fucking place That's the internet of 2021 It kind of what's sillier this Or the world of superhuman samurai squad In which they go inside Computers and there's monsters

Oh yeah destroying it like it was Tokyo Yeah It's like a city It's like an internet city That's a real thing. It was a TV show. It was like Power Rangers.

They had it originally as a Japanese show and then they like brought it over here. And when they weren't in big monster suits fighting things, they just had like American actors. Matthew Lawrence. Oh. Oh, yeah. I watched too much of that show. I dabbled in Samurai Squad. Not a lot.

So we're just starting the episode and apparently I've missed a lot of culture. in my years. So Johnny's with a prostitute, I guess. Because he's hard-living pretty cool. The best money can buy, right? Is that said? Well, later on in the film, he starts yelling about how he wants his $10,000 prostitutes.

So I'm figuring he paid about 10 grand for this lady's company. Oh, I see. There's a... A.k.a, he's a fool. He's a fool that does not... He's, hey, Johnny Mnemonic. More like Johnny burning a hole in your pocket with how you're managing your funds.

You're Keanu Reeves. Go get laid. Like, seriously. You're Keanu Reeves. You're in good shape. You're young. You got your very aerodynamic haircut. You know what it is? I think it's that haircut because it's the kind of haircut where like you want to pretend that sideburns don't exist.

Yeah, because it's the future. So that shit's trimmed up like way above his ears. Yeah. Bad look on a guy. Yeah. Don Mattingly. I said, get rid of those sideburn. That's the one thing keeping him from getting laid.

He would clean up like Keanu Reeves in 1994 would. But out there for those sideburns. He's got that Johnny Utah haircut. Everyone's like, oh man, he's probably into bad music and reads William Gibson. Ew. So to make things really uncomfortable, like I would be if I'm laying naked in a bed, is you get a phone, a video phone call from Udo Kier. That's what she's like, I got to go.

Oh, you're talking. talking to Udo Kier, huh? I'll just leave. Your skin crawls right out the door. He is really good at making me feel uncomfortable every second I'm looking at him. I mean, he's a vampire, right? Like, there's no

reports aren't in, but he is a vampire? If you watch Udo Kier in like the Argento Dracula and then you watch Udo Kier in Argento Susperia, which was made like in the 70s, like Dracula came out last year, Susperio was in the 70s, he looks like the exact same person. He doesn't age. He is a real vampire.

And weirdly enough, in Herzog's Nosferatu, he does not play the Dracula role. He plays the Harker. I was like, oh, wait. Udo Kier, but then we got noz. There's two vampires in this story. What a twist, Herzog. You're really doing it different. Oh, man.

So, he's just like, hey, Johnny. He's got a job for him. So the whole thing is if you're a mnemonic courier, it's you have a chip. in your head where you can upload data. Yeah. Because data is like, you know, it's too risky to send it across the internet or whatever. So you put it in a courier's head. This person

goes to the person who needs the information and then that person downloads it and you get paid. Whatever it happens to shove it up your ass like the old American way. I know. No, honestly. Everybody relies so much on technology. Your asshole is right there just ready for the pushing, man. Storage

space. Hi, I'm Johnny shoves things up my ass. I understand you have a package. This is going to be a completely different movie. Oh, no. The dirty job at something's got to do it. No, but seriously, think about it. Because the other thing is, like, you put a memory stick up your ass, same exact difference.

But this is why shoving a memory stick up your ass is a better idea. Because the whole, the whole, like, problem with this movie, the conflict is that, like, Johnny can only hold so many gigs in his head, right? It's something like 120 gigabytes If he compresses this file By the way, it's not a lot No, it's it was like unheard of In 1995 I think it would stop your heart to hear that

So The whole thing is if you put too much in there Like the data will go in But like your brain starts bleeding or something Like you get the seepage which is the grossest word It's a bad word He also deletes his childhood memories Well you got to make space

That here's the thing why is okay just because it's like memories or storage or whatever but you don't need to incorporate it into your brain put it in your lower back or something shove it up your ass it's a hard drive you don't need it to be integrated into your body chemistry to what I was saying about why you should shove it up your ass though is because you could then get like a 500 gig thumb drive

put whatever secret documents you want on there and just ram that puppy right up your ass. You don't have to worry about brain seepage. I mean, ass seepage happens all the time. That's an occupational hazard. Oh, no, skid marks. But the, see, now the Joker. Why do I wear white jockeys?

Sorry, everybody. This is the grossest episode in history. But now the Joker in the Dark Night was able to sew a smartphone into someone. Right. Just do that to this guy. Well, it doesn't make... And you're right, though,

because it doesn't make sense because... It doesn't have to be only asses. What is my point. Oh, I see. And that's the most room. But it's got... It doesn't...

He's never required, and he can't actually access the information through his mind. Right. So it's useless up there. Yeah. Anywhere else, put it on your wristwatch. Like, Christ.

It's just sitting up there. You're right. It's not like he can press a button on the thing. And then it just like scrolls past his eye. eyeballs or something like that. There's a lot of VR helmets in this movie. Get ready

for him. That's the only way he can like see some of the stuff I guess like he doesn't have access to the documents but like he's putting on VR helmets for all sorts of stuff. So Udo Kier's like all right, hey here's the deal man I guess like Johnny's been trying for a while to have an operation where this gets

pulled out of your head so he can get his memories back and live a normal life and Udo Kier's like all right well this job is going to pay you like $300,000 you know you just got to go to this like this uh you know yakuza gang and you know they're going to put something in your head and just do it it's a job this is a job like so he goes it's like a hotel situation these guys are like a new yakuza like they're new to the game they're not yakuza they're

they're actually they're just scientists oh i thought that they were a gang no the yakuza shows up you because oh breaks it up they got a lot of guns for just a gang of scientists but they're all like nervous nellies with these guns and actually Johnny buys a memory doubler apparently and he uses it in the elevator which is stupid and doesn't even add anything to the movie so he goes there and he knows that seepitch is a thing and like oh my god if I overload my brain holy shit

oh no seepage sorry they keep asking they're begging him not to take this stuff they're like do you know how much memory you have in your brain is I've got enough and they're like yeah but this is actually a lot it's fine I've got enough Yeah, see, that's the thing, Johnny, you need to come at them with a hard number.

You're dealing with scientists. Exactly. And they're like, oh, you're not going to say, huh? Well, that means you clearly don't have enough space to do this. And, you know, it's a thing where I guess, like, if they upload it, like, that's the only copy of this thing. So if it's locked in his head and then he dies, like, something might have. I don't know. There's a lot of gobbledygook going on here.

I mean, I tuned out during that scroll. Every other word is kind of garbage. And they're like, well, you remember from the scroll, right? Everybody? I was like, no, because your scroll was a technical manual for a microwave. Like, no way I'm going to read all of that. That would be amazing. How cyberpunk is that?

Because that's more of the punk part, right? Like, I don't give a fuck, whatever. Just put a fucking microwave up there. We're just going to make them read all these specs. So many tech specs. So he sits down and we start watching animas because this movie loves anime. See, another thing it predicted right about the future is that. People will love it.

anime? Yeah, you can't go anywhere on the internet without getting a fucking startling image of an anime like as an icon on Twitter or something. It's startles you every time? Oh, God. Are you 78 years old? I cannot lock onto the Twitter

without an anime coming in my face. Who's this Naz? What's this? Wait, Samurai Squad? And you're not talking about the Kiyosawa a picture. So he puts

this stuff in his head. He puts on his VR helmet. He's like, let's jack in. Oh yeah. What does he say, though? Let's jack off. What is it like? Turn it up or something like that. Yeah. Some dumb line. Turn the anime up. No, not up my ass. Oh, actually, this

is way more practical. Oh, wow. I could still walk pretty good with this. You got any other documents they might need? I think there's space in here. Got so many gigs down here. So many gags. Well, no, I've got That's for client A, your client B. I've got to get, I've got a double load on my flight to Newark.

Exactly. My brain's got the cure for gnaz. My ass has got six hours of music. No, it's okay. I can hold that. I took an emotium AD. It's got to be blocked up. It's got all of Allison Chain's discography.

Why would I need to transfer? for that secretly. So. Well, it could be outlawed in the future. Oh, that's, Allison Chains could be outlawed. It's all anime now. Grunge music is outlawed. Outlawed.

It's only listening to the Chemical Brothers. Chemical Brothers, yep. So he gets the upload complete and, like, kind of has a little bit of a Coke overdose and, like, his nose starts bleeding. Because they've been telling them for five minutes, like, dude, honestly, if you are, if you're lying to us and don't have enough room in your dumb head for this, for this information. You're going to get really jacked up. He's like, that's cool. I just really need the money. I'll do anything for the money.

Also, Johnny Mnemonic, if you are trying to save up this money for this operation, don't spend nights with $10,000 hookers. Absolutely. You know, just go for like a 20 handy around the corner. You are in Newark, New Jersey. The free city of Newark. Ice T's there. I mean, who knows what's going on.

So he goes in the bathroom to take care of this nosebook. bleed and that's when like the yakuza come in and start firing up the joint yeah now we're totally animate out this one guy um the lead baddie there uh be takashi no beat takashi's the guy who works for like the the pharmaceutical company farmacan then there's a there's a different fellow who's like because there's two factions that want this information farmacan and the yakuza for some reason right okay i'm um it's it's hard to tell two criminals apart corporate and And Japanese gang. Shinji is this dude.

Shinji's the other guy. And he's got this thing, again, stolen from an anime called Ninja Scroll, which is this weird, like, laser whip type sort of. Oh, laser piano wire? Yeah, he's got laser piano wire, which is pretty much entirely. That's stolen from Ninja Scroll? Absolutely. You know what you should do?

Never watch Ninja Scroll. Oh, yeah, you can't. You can't be an adult and watch Ninja Scroll. What's Ninja Scroll? It is the most disgusting anime that's ever walked this. I mean, it's probably not. sure someone will correct me because that stuff's out the wazoo. I mean, it's filthy?

There's a rape scene in it you don't want to talk about. There's monsters doing all kinds of things. Is it tentacle porn? No, but it's like a rock monster raping a lady. Like, you don't want to be around there for that. It's like tentacle porn with a bunch of murder for no reason. Oh, I see. So come for the laser piano wire.

Stay for getting creeped out. It's so, it's so disturbing. So this guy's got this little gadget and they're like shooting up all these signs killing all these people and everything and Cianna Reeves is literally just cowering in the bathroom. He does a little bit of asking this and bald guy because he's like, hey, baldie. And then that guy just becomes baldy.

Because every scene after that when Keanu Reeves sees him, he greets him with, oh, hey, Baldi. Like, that guy's trying to kill you at every turn. Why not be a little less casual with him? Yeah, it's sir. Sir Baldy. Or at least Mr. Baldi. Mr. Belvedere

Professor Baldi So there's this stupid thing Where like after you get all your information in There's a three picture encryption code Correct That because this needs the microfilm Yeah Yeah

And you need more that you need a MacGuffin to unlock your MacGuffin is what you really want Yes So the three pictures like print out But like Keanu Reeves grabs part of it And it gets torn And half And then Shinji gets the other one.

It's like, oh, my God, this is the movie, everybody. And there's kind of like a little bit of a racist thing here where Keanu Reeves puts on an Asian guy costume. Do you remember this? He gets in the elevator and he knows that like Shinji and the gang are following him. And he pulls this disguise out of his coat. And he puts it on and it's like a hat and this like long shoulder length black hair. And these like circle blue glasses. And he walks out of the elevator.

like with his arms kind of folded and just like very you know carefully and slowly just like saunter's out of the hotel and he walks right past those black crows and zoot suits coming in from dumbo I was going to say he walks past a couple of Peter Sellers characters doing similar schicks for completely different reasons dude I think who I mean I'm sure he's a nice guy but whoever voiced those black crows definitely went to hell right like oh yeah that guy's burning with the best of him he's down there with

Walt Disney John Wayne all of America's he previously established is in hell he's definitely in hell and so he so he calls him Udoch he's like what the fuck and it's okay

come meet me in my vampire lair Newark New Jersey so he flies to Newark and he goes through the security thing where like this computer sensor detects his implant, but it's a thing, it registers as a thing to help with dyslexia

or something like that. But the computer's like by the way, your brain is bleeding. You should get that checked in 24 hours or less. And he's like, thank you. You probably should have just put it in your ass. That implant could have gone in your ass. You could have said it was

a diarrhea implant. to help you not have diarrhea. So we cut to the weird Udo Kier sex club. It's totally a sex club. Yes. There's like everyone's like bondagey and... He's got like these drag queen... These like muscle bound drag queen bodyguards.

One's the muscle... Which is pretty cool. One's the drag queen. I think Tweedy, I want to say. Jeff Tweedy. Jeff Tweedy plays one of them. Tracy Tweed. Oh, which is not Tweedie at all.

I was like English. supermodel from the 70s Twitty. She came back. What was that Twiggy? Oh, that was Twiggy. What the hell? Oh, Tweedy. Jeff Tweedy. Yeah, welcome, man. Oh, no, I was also confusing another Twiggy. Wasn't there a person that played music with Marilyn Manson

named Twiggy? Yes. Yeah. I see. Let's go through all the weird bassists of history. Or whatever. I don't know. I mean, there you go. Dogstar, man. Didn't he play Didn't he play drums and dogs? Oh, was he the drummer? I think he, you might be right, actually.

I don't know. I don't remember what instrument he played. Anyway, we're at this sex club. And Udo Kierro, who's hilariously, his name is Ralphie, which is great because it's just Keanu, he's like, hey, Ralphie, you tried to screw me, Ralphie. I'm not going to let you do it again, Ralphie. Like, stop saying Ralphie. Well, before this happens, Dina Meyer and poor old Henry Rollins show up.

Henry Rollins as like a nerdy scientist surgeon. Nope. Not buying it. Not buying a second of it. This is like Denise Richards playing a rocket scientist and that James Bond picture, am I right? Well, Henry Rollins has kind of made a career by being smarter than you think he is. But that doesn't mean a whole lot.

It's just like, I'm really well read. It's like, all right, Henry, that's fine. It's better than not being, I guess. But he's playing a character named Spider. And he is like an implant surgeon. And he's given this woman All these implants to make her like Bionically stronger and whatever

And she really for some reason wants to be a bodyguard For Ralphie And she comes up and she's like You're deadbeat old ass drag queen bodyguards Or old school like I could kick their ass And whatever like we just got some useless Like bodyguard fighting for a couple of minutes Yeah I mean she's actually

I read a little bit about what the story was Oh good She her character actually does most of the action in the in the in the story like she's like a real badass they kind of they neuter it down that would have been better if johnny was more of um like the passive yeah like a carry grant type sort of just running through the motions like oh dear so yeah i think there also might be some sort of like infiltration attempt here like maybe that's why she's trying to get this job i don't know i think she's just looking for the money because everything's so shitty and she's like i'm a

tough lady and I want to get there. Right. Even like, it's great because Henry Rolls is like, dude, it's not going to work. Yeah. I know my implants aren't that great. You're not going to pull this off. So Keanu Reeves storms in. Yeah, he gets beaten up in the bathroom and take it away. Like what? He's like,

Hey, Ralphie, I'm going to assault you in the bathroom. And he's like, what did you put in my head, man? And like, Ralphie, again, I mean, I guess because he's Udo Kier. He can't convince Keanu Reeves that he's like in the right. He can't be like, oh, I don't know anything about the yakuza

like he's like sorry like no like everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like he's like lying to you in a dastardly fashion like that's just the way Udo Kier's voice sounds he's a vampire

so it's like okay you know I've arranged for you to have this surgery it's just down that hall it's like the good coats are in the back Johnny mnemonic like go down there and so he goes I gotta go

I'll call you tomorrow No, no, go farther in. And so he goes into this backroom. There's this, like, huge fat professional wrestler in a cowboy hat, and Baldi's there again. And, you know, he suspects that he's been, like, set up or something. And, you know, he beats the crap out of this fat guy, which is pretty great. And he's like, oh, hey, Baldi, yet again. And this is what Ice Tea shows up.

Ice team. Jaybone. Playing Jaybone. Who looks like he was designed after Adam Durwitz from Crown. counting crows because the hair on this guy what if the counting crows were in the post apocalypse we think it might look a little something like this at least not a fucking kangaroo in this movie man that tank girl woof tank girl is something else is that a stay tuned yeah it might be i don't know it's not an outright grand slam i haven't seen it in a couple of years

but i see definitely plays a kangaroo an animatronic kangaroo in that movie sure does it's really weird and who played kangaroo jack i don't know who voiced kangaroo jack was it somebody yeah i don't i watched like 15 minutes of that movie and turned it off so whatever blah blah blah someone's under attack and iced tea like saves kiana reeves life and then vice versa so it's like now we're even or whatever and he leads the resistance obviously. He's a real Dennis Miller and demolition man, if you know what I'm talking about. If you get what

I'm laying down. Well, because this is another thing that we learned from reading the scroll is there is this resistance group that calls themselves the low text. That was article B paragraph 7 of the scroll about the low text. The Johnny Numanic constitutional length scroll. So they are like a

faction of people that, you know, they're waiting for just the right moment to take down these gigantic corporations. and kind of like, I guess, fight club everything. You know, Project Mayhem, the town of Newark, I guess, is the idea. I just love the fight club everything. Fight club's a verb. No, yeah, yeah, of course.

You're going to put the pixies on and you're going to fight club the city. It's what's going to happen. The ending of this movie is pretty much Fight Club, but BT Dubbs. It almost exactly is the ending of Fight Club. Yeah, I didn't think about that, actually. You met me at a real strange part of my life. When I didn't have side, Oh, no, the sideburn.

The seepage burned off my sideburns. It only burned off one sideburn. I better shave off the other one so I don't look like an idiot. Well, I just don't think I could be with a man without sideburns. Oh, no, now I need a $10,000 prostitute. There's a great moment, like, where they, Ice Tea and Keanu Reeves, like, have this confrontation in the alley. And, you know, Keanu Reeves, like, points a gun, and he's like, who are you? And he's like, I'm Jaybone.

I run the resistance. There's my headquarters that I call heaven. And, like, Johnny looks. And then Icedee totally does a Batman, like, escape. He's like, well, that looks like a shitty hideout. And he turns back around and Icy's just gone and, like, the winds blowing. Right. That's the only time Iasty was Batman.

I mean, I would have liked that. If Icedee played Batman? Yeah, absolutely. I'd be fine with that. Like, if there was one, like, if in Batman and Robin, it was Ice Tea instead of George Clooney, better movie, right? You're right. You're right. I would like him to see, I would like to see Ice Tea play the little kid in Gotham. I don't know. He could walk on his knees or something. I'd buy it. So he goes back to Udo Kier and he's like, you tried to have me killed, Ralphie, you set me up. And he's like,

no, I promise. Now this is going to be the real way I help you. And then it turns out that Udo Kier is in bed with the Yakuza. And so here's this dude again. with his razor wire and they strap him down to a table and they're gonna cut his head off. Well, the weird thing is they knock him out, right? And he's totally knocked out. Cut his fucking head off then. Like, he's out, heads out, put him in the cryotube. You're done.

But they wake him up, hey, wait, wake up. You're about to die. Hey, wake up, we're gonna cut your head off. You awake for this? We want you to be awake so you know what happened to you. And then so Jane comes in, it breaks everything up. Is Udochir killed? Well, yeah, he is.

He's got an amazing thing. what's his name Shinji Shinji I believe Yeah Yeah he breaks out His laser Oh yeah

His his His laser Piano Wire thing And it slices Ralphie Into actual ribbons Oh yeah That's right

He slides apart And it's a pretty It's a pretty gnarly scene They stole that death For that first Resident Evil movie Yes Remember that? Is it

Michelle Rodriguez that gets that I don't remember it's like the lasers like pass through her and they're like huh

and then it's like the person just falls apart yeah they come they turn into cold cuts

and just fall out to nothing the convenient cold cuts we're just we're gonna roll this up put it on the table they but the weird thing is

Keanu Reeves and he does this like two or three times like Deena Meyer like you know basically she's like

I want to be your bodyguard you gotta pay me $50,000 bucks like deal dude and like she busted up he gets a gun on shingi and he's like pointing out his head it's like now i'm gonna leave

talk to you later like no no no you blow this guy away yet just end of movie yes when did the mongles rule china oh bill and ted yeah there you go there you go i was like what but you're totally right though but you know then we don't have a movie but honestly there's two factions going after what's in your head knock off one of them Can we talk about, I don't understand, I honestly, literally, this is maybe the first movie that we've watched in 190 movies or something where I actually didn't get it. Like, I didn't understand what the other guy's deal was and who was in the computer and why that was going on. So, Beat Takeshi, who's an awesome actor. Right, great filmmaker, too.

I want to do a little recommend here. Do it. I'm going to butcher the pronounce. of this, a Kikujiru. Kikujiru. Right. It's him wandering around with a little kid.

Yes. It's pretty cool. He's a really, like, famous, prolific Japanese actor. He's slumming it in this movie. Yeah, he did a bunch of the Zatuiti movies.

So he is a representative for this Pharmacom. Sure. Got that part. So Pharmacan, spoiler alert, the information that's in Johnny Nemonix's head is the cure for the

Nas virus. Like, that's what it is. So is it the 2000s then? Swish. Very good. So that's why, like, Pharmacan wants that back because they don't want the information

going public. So that's why Beat DeKeschi's trying to get it back. And I guess the Yakuza want it because they're just going to, like, sell it to the highest bidder. Because that's what the mafia does. Who's the lady in the computer?

So that is a bit of artificial intelligence, which they don't address whatsoever in this movie. It's just like a ghost. woman it's yeah i don't because the first time the machine it's the friggin animas all those animas are back all you kids are your animates watch it listen read your william gibson ridiculous but that's the first time we're introduced to this this lady character is beat dekesi's like talking to her on a tv and he's like i think i'm going to do this with johnny nomenic

and she's like that's a bad idea beat tkashi you should probably reconsider it i'm like what's this like ghost giving him advice it doesn't make sense and like you know he's got a dead daughter, which kind of is, like, thrown around. It's like, a daughter who I think died from the Nas virus. Yes. And he knew how to save her, but didn't because of corporate interest. Yes. And something. Right. And way too much detail

for a character that has about four minutes of screen time. Also, why don't you put that in the scroll, baby? You might as well. Maybe then I know what's going on. I mean, and then he even goes even further, because Shinji is working with him and he fails him. So then he's like, you know what? Let's get one more

villain in this pot, and let's get fucking Dolf Stupid London to play Jesus. Oh, man, this is great. He's not playing Jesus. And he's not stupid. He's like a nuclear physicist, I think, or something. Dolf Lundgren? Yeah, he's like a genius.

But he's street preacher. Street preacher. But he does say things such as it's Jesus time when he's about to attack me. Come to Jesus. Yeah. Well, I think when he's hired, he says that, you know, like who do you need sent to Jesus? because he's going to kill him. Oh, I see.

That's kind of part of it. But he is kind of, I often do think of Dolph Lundgren as a Christ-like figure. Of course. His career died and then was resurrected by the expendables. Yeah, this was the last, this is actually the last movie he did

until the expendable. His last theatrical, I mean, he did a lot of movies. There's about nine boxes worth of direct-to-d-d-d-d-h-S movies. So this is like, what is it, Black Friday or something? something. Yeah. And then Expendables is Easter. Yeah. He has risen. You know, that's exactly it.

That scene in Zodiac when like Jake Gyllenhaal's bringing all the boxes into the fucking living room and Chloe 7 and he's like, what's this? He's like, these are all the directed DVD movies. Tom Lundren's done. I got to watch him all this weekend. I want a divorce. Exactly. You're

obsessed. What about our kids? You'll never catch that Dauflungren. He's a sniper in this one. Oh, he's a sniper at all of them. But Dolph Longgreen is awesome in this movie as like a totally unnecessary tertiary villain. We already got the yakuza and beat Takeshi. Come on. Well, here the thing is, we're in the future.

Sure. You cannot, and I underline this, you cannot have a movie set in the future that does not have a bounty hunter. Right? I mean, they always have bounty hunters. I guess that's true. But then, you know what? At this point then, like, maybe he does kill Shinji, right? And he's like, oh, my God, you know, my minion has failed me.

Now let's activate the real crazy guy. And it's Dolph Lundgren, and that's fine. Just cut Shinji out of the movie. It's fine. Exactly. He's a boring-ass character anyway. It's true. He's really boring.

Dolph Lundgren's greatest detail is he has, his, his, like, weapon of choice is a crucifix where the bottom of it's a huge booing knife. Oh, it's cool. That's the only way you can kill Udo Kier, by the way. I was going to say, it is a vampire hunter's weapon, for sure. A crucifix, like a legit, like nicely sculpted crucifix with a knife stuck on the end of it. So, yeah, now he's going after Johnny and Jane.

So Jane's like, let's go see Henry Rollins because we haven't seen him in a little while. And he's, his name's Spider and he's got glasses, which means he's smart but he's still hard you know he's still a man a tough dude because he's his name is spider right well this tells you like the

dull pacing of this movie because on their way from where you know they they had their last encounter with udochir and whatnot to Henry Rollins's doctor's office both characters have to take a time out

because they have seizures like they're walking in a subway tunnel and Keanu Reeves because he's got all the data in his head like kind of has like little like freakouts every once in a while so he starts freaking out and seizing up like in this subway tunnel and like we cut at one point he's kind of having

some like some memories from his childhood are seeping in because we totally care about Johnny's childhood oh it's my seventh birthday party isn't that interesting look a red tricycle that's significant and so like we cut back to the subway tunnel after these memories and he's like

oh you let me take a nap And I was like, I'm taking a nap. We all just took a nap watching your seventh birthday party footage. Oh, that's a memory from my ass smuggling days. That's how you become a mnemonic smuggler. You work up through ass smuggling. So then like they get another,

they walk maybe like another five minutes. And they're all of a sudden in an abandoned shopping mall. And she starts freaking out because she's getting the, she's got the black shakes. The black shakes is what it is. So she's doing. Positive for NAS. It's great because he almost leaves her, and I kind of was like, oh, man, is you going to leave her?

That's kind of awesome. You just stay here shaking. I have things to do. I'll just gently lay you down on this garbage. Oh, man, it's like soil and green. There's just people, garbage people everywhere. No one will notice. There are a lot of, like, in both the subway tunnel and this mall, just homeless people just laying there, not like, acknowledging them at all.

Yeah. just like sitting on the floor it's newark man what you're talking about i'm kid i'm just joshing you newark so we get to henry rollins office and you know it's the old like who the hell are you because i'm henry rollins and that's my lady friend and all this stuff and you know he starts like taken care of jane and it takes like two seconds and it's totally insignificant and it's my least favorite like screenplay tick ever where he's like what's your name and he's like johnny and he's like johnny what just johnny and he's He's like, all right, just Johnny.

And he just calling him Just Johnny, the whole rest of the movie before he's crucified. Wait a second. A guy named Spider. Yeah. And that's it. He's identified as just Spider. Yep. It's taking issue with someone that wants to be identified as Johnny.

Just Johnny. Well, that's stupid. Hi, I'm Spider. And so, you know, Spider starts explaining, you know, listen, I can do this like pretty dangerous operation. get this chip out of your head. You might lose all motor function and you won't be able to remember anything past three minutes spans and this, that and the other thing. And Keanu Reeves is like, well, that doesn't sound like a very good idea. And, you know, Henry Rollins is telling him, like, we're going to die anyway because your brain's got all that anal seepage happening

in it. And so like, one great moment here is, yes, is when Johnny asked Spider about like what's causing the NAS virus and stuff. What's, what's causing it? this is causing it, this is because he's like kicking around all the computers in the area. Yeah, all the instruments he might need to continue this doctor practice or whatever. Yeah. So the idea is that people are getting the shakes from just all the electrodes in the air, man. All your smartphones. Oh, your gadgets, your do-hickies, your what-nots, they're all just poisoning you, man.

Your brain chips. But we can't live without him, right? And he says it is best bad delivery. and it's just you know what man just don't preach to me right now it's 1994 all I could do is play Sega fucking CD okay there's no great danger

here yeah exactly well you know it's cautionary sci-fi they got a lot right I'll give them that much yeah I mean I do use I do have to put on a VR helmet and then I'm Androsse from Star Fox using the internet

grabbing boxes and shaking things When Johnny gets into this goddamn VR, he looks like Slender Man. He does. He does totally look like Slender Man. Because he wears this black suit through the whole thing. And now he's just an elongated, weird, like, non-faced person in the Slender Man suit. My VR personality told me to kill all my friends.

Then I could be his disciple, Slender Man. Well, that's, that's a game. He lives in the woods. Sort of like, sort of like the 50, Ronan. What was it? 47. You're 10 too high. That's a sequel. That's a sequel.

Oh, no. We just wrote 10 more Ronan. Awesome. Come on, 10 more, Ronan. We're going to make the 57 Ronan now. Let's go fight another lady who turns into a dragon or something that happens in that movie. That does happen in that movie. You saw that movie? I did.

You're the guy, huh? I did not see it in theaters. I did not see it. but I think a lot of Ronan die God rest their songs There's not 47 Rodin at the end I think you're going to have to get another fucking 46 Yeah something tells me

Kian who's only coming out on top At the end of that movie But that's yeah the internet in this movie Which I kind of have a sweet Ronan He tries to do He tries to hack it to get more information Right And he goes into the regular internet

Where he puts on his little helmet And he's doing It's the stupidest thing Like this is not convenient Where I have to like literally grab things. And you're like breaking things apart as if he's looking through electronic boxes. It's so

dumb. To like get a password into something. He has to like rearrange a puzzle box that may might summon Hellraiser. I don't know. I would love it if Pinnhead just came out and he said, oh finally Johnny, we meet again.

And Johnny's like, ooh, wrong chat room. Click. No, to get the password, he has to answer three asinine questions and then dance with the Nick Arcade guy all the way over to the arcade games. Let's all go to Nick Arcade. Here we go. Let's move Mikey again.

Oh, no, I haven't moved Mikey enough. What is your favorite color? I'm on the team The Silver Monkeys. Oh, wait, wrong, Nickelodeon game show. Yeah, it's all the same. Olmec would fit in well inside this VR world. Oh, man, you might as well put Olmec and everybody

else. Ren and Stippy should show up. It's an orange cassette tape. I mean, come on, it's all there. It's all right there. I think it might be a shared cinematic universe. I'd buy it. The Rugrats and this post-apocalyptic society? Sure.

I guess it's not post-apocalypse. That's not really accurate. It's cyberpunk. They use the Rugrats to placate the masses. Those Rugrats are making you stupid. So then we go to Grand Central for a little while. and where, you know, it's all like there's, apparently it's a hospital now for cyberpunks, cyberpunks only. From all the cyberpunk wars.

And Dolph Wendron shows up and crucifies Henry Rollins. Now, let me stop you right there because this is another classic case of your memory playing tricks on you. Because you tricked me because I never saw this movie. And all week you were like, oh man, I can't wait for the part when I swear to God. I remembered this as Ice Tea getting crucified, not Henry Rollins. And for no reason. I mean, Ice Tea survives through the end of the movie. Like, just I hadn't seen this movie since renting it or like a few years after or something like that.

And like, I just remembered it wrong. And it sucks because I love Ice Tea. And I was like, oh, man, I'm so bummed. Ice Tea's going to get killed in this movie. Well, I was like, oh, shit, Henry Rollins and Ice Tea get crucified. Because what had happened? I was like, oh, man, Dolfoan just cuts through this. well I think

like crucifying stuff is this dude's game because like there's a couple of other other people like he tries to crucify like there's he runs he runs into like this old man in an alleyway and the guy's like oh you're Jesus

well my name's Mort how are you and this dude's dressed as like a hotel bellhop or something and he's got like a robotic arm and the whole thing is like Dolph Lundgren like takes this dude by hands and like puts his arms up like as if he's like crucified like looking like yeah this might work yeah you'd look you'd look pretty sharp crucified what he does this guy by the way

he was a bartender and some other scene in the background oh wow that's why he's kind of dressed he's got a robot arm and every time this dude moves it it's oh man it's like it's like griff tannin yeah exactly and then dulf lundgren puts puts this arm into like the liquid nitrogen or something that this dude just has sitting on his desk or something. Well, that's what we drink in the cyberpunk future. Yeah. It takes those black shakes down a notch. But in his interrogation, he breaks this dude's arm into a million pieces.

And it's just this bloody stump. And it's just like... It's pretty great. Can't crucify that now, though. Well, another piece of Dolph Lundgren's thing is like, all right, not only is he the guy who's obsessed with Jesus and a bounty hunter. He also is more machine than man at this point. They say like he is sort of

indestructible because he has so many bionic implants. He's addicted to implants or something like that. Right, which I think is also the name of a TLC show. And maybe I was reading this wrong, but well, I didn't read it, but I thought maybe he was also taking biological pieces

too. Like is he? Oh, you think he's like a Frankenstein? Yeah. Oh, maybe. Like that's just everything. That right arm isn't his original right arm exactly it's like a really sexy one and i thought he was sizing up that bartender's like he wants that robot arm oh well he might want the robot art yeah that's all interesting but i don't know oh he must have not wanted it if he froze it and then smashed it into a million pieces hey i have the ass of a 20 year old no seriously look look at the ass of

jesus it's pretty great look at my holy ass yeah yeah just like jesus was a Frankenstein I took this beard off a hobo Before they leave Henry Rollins he's like Oh and by the way You gotta go to this person Jones

You go find Jones Jones is gonna You know take care of you So like they're on this mission To find Jones Because Jones is the only person He knows That can help get like

The last image pieces Like out of Keanu Reeve's head Or whatever Like they'll sink brains Or some such nonsense Because, yeah, Henry Rollins tries to hack his brain but can't. And even John Roo's like, hey, do you want the one picture I have? And Henry was like, no, no, no, that's not going to help.

I'm like, well, actually, that'll, you know, cut one third of the workout, I think. I'm not a big hacker, but I do know knowing one piece of a code is better than knowing none of the code, right? Yeah, so, you know, take what you can get. No, no, all or nothing. I don't need your bits of information, spider. Spider what? How do you like it? Just Spider, huh?

Do you think maybe Spider has a lot of victims on the web? Oh, I see. Maybe he's an online predator. You don't know. Why would you make that your public nickname if you're an online predator? You're proud of it? I mean, it is the free city of Newark. I don't know if there's laws against it there.

Well, hey there, Spider. you're here for the party, aren't you? I'll sit right down. I just, I just mean my friend. I think somebody's calling me out there. No, no, no, no. Spider, please sit right down. I'm, uh,

2021's Chris Hansen. Here to talk to you about your online handle spider. Would you like some lemonade or cookies? You know what? That's another thing. 2021. Uh-huh. 1995 was in this movie came out.

Let's just go 2048. 2085. Yep. 3,004, because this is stupid. Actually, you know, but here's the thing like this, the idea of what the 90s thought the future was going to be, like in 2020 and stuff. It's my favorite timeline.

It's just so wackadoodle. Oh, like 90s movies, idea of what the future is? Yeah, like this, Demolition Man. Free Jack. Yeah. Freejack's a good 90s future. That's insane. Freejack is new listeners.

We did a previous episode on Freejack. and it is worth your time. Emilio Estavez and a Rolling Stone. And Mike the cleaner. Oh, yeah, I totally forgot. He's in that. So we get to, like, Ice T's hat. Like, Ice T is, like, I'll help you out.

Like, he knows who Jonesy is. He's got Jonesy in heaven. Well, we missed Keanu's big monologue about room service and hooker. Like, they're trying, like, it's basically, like, you get to the Wizard's Castle and no one's letting you in and he's getting all like he's all getting flummoxed outside

you know is this when he's like yelling up to them like hey what's going on up there I could see you from here looking at me and laughing don't laugh at me I'm trying to save the world no no you just turned out the light

I just saw you turn out the light you're in there I can hear you literally laughing at me so they drop a Volkswagen bug on him that explodes it's like it's like their defense system. It's like,

defend the draw bridge kind of a thing. Yeah, like Ice T's got this place pretty well booby-trapped. Yeah. I got to say, it's pretty great. Yeah, you're just dropping cars from a bridge. Kind of awesome.

And yeah, I was pretty sure that this was supposed to be the Brooklyn Bridge, but I don't know how that makes any sense. Because they're all in Newark most of the time. They do go to New York to grant celebration for a second.

Or is it just... Or is that Newark Penn? Yeah, is there like a... I don't know. And Newark probably has a bridge or two. I wouldn't know, but a couple of bridges. Yeah. I don't know, but I could have sworn it was supposed to be the Brooklyn Bridge. But whatever. Who cares? Like, that's where his base of operations is. Now, I know everyone's going to write in that it was the George Washington Bridge and we're idiots. I mean, we are idiots. That is true.

I can't be bothered to read a scroll. I mean, my God. They should have told us in the scroll what bridge the Heaven headquarters was located under. I would have liked to have known. Would it have killed them to put that into the scroll? You know, it wouldn't. I'm not going to pause my movie to read your fucking scroll, okay? There was one point where I, like, I looked away and the scroll was still going, and I got distracted by something, and I looked back and I was like, oh, shit, did I miss anything?

Oh, no. Do I have to jog back this disc? Maybe that's when the ghost lady makes sense. Maybe that's how it is. And then there's a ghost lady that comes and tells you all the right things to say. Yeah, everyone else is going to be like, guys, you know, You don't know what the ghost lady is for? She appears like here and there again, but not really.

I don't know who she's working for. She works for the chemical, the pharmaceutical company. But does she kind of helping Johnny a little bit? Yeah, she is because the thing that Johnny's carrying in his mind is actually the cure for the shakes, the cure for Nas. And it's, oh yeah, that's right. And she's like altruistic for some reason. Right, because it's an artificial. intelligence that's like grown

a conscience. So like she's sort of also, because that's why she's saying to beat Takeshi, like, you know you shouldn't be doing this beat Takeshi. Your daughter died from this. Remember that? Ooh, here's some video footage of her in case you forgot. Here she is alive and breathing.

And he's just like, why don't we even talk to you stupid ghost machine? Speaking of crazy shit with that guy. At one point, a few points, Johnny's actually going to go to the corporation to get the stuff taken out by them. Oh,

oh, right. He tries to set up a meeting with, like, the big, like, dude or whatever. Yeah,

it's like this, this white dude that's just like on the vid phone, right? You know, that's just like, yeah, no, we can totally take that out for you.

Why don't you come down to my office? It's later revealed that it's beat just playing with it. It's a puppet. It's a fake guy. It's a fake guy. He's just, he's flapping his hand around. He's like,

sat right, sat right. Sat right. He's talking to a sock puppet. And he doesn't even know it. Doesn't even know it, man. I got fooled by syphil and Ollie. What's that?

Pharmacom, it's not easy being green. Well, I agree. Yes, and a waka-a-waka to you, too, sir. I can't wait to have this chip removed from my brain. Stop telling me how to count to ten. I just want to meet you. you know they're speaking my language i'm going in it is awesome though like they

like the big reveal of it is just like him putting the hand like up to some sort of sensor it's like it's like making this hunk CEO like computer image god I would love to vid prank some people in the future oh yeah just send me there for a week or so just so I can go

you know maybe I can like get this this hunky dude to take his shirt off give me a lot it's vid phone pranking it's a whole you're gonna catfish people on vid phone oh man yes catfish the shit out of everybody oh man I thought I had vid phone sex with this handsome hunk turned out to be this fat guy's fingers dude man I once got spider in on that action he started making me ask him weird things though and I didn't ask spider back the

next time I was vid catfishing. I got so, my, my left hand's a lady and my right hand's a dude. Sometimes I do the double fish. The double fish. I got two, like, we're on like a chat with, you're on a chat with a sexy couple now. That Neb Schulman's just disgusted with you. It throws your phone in a river. What's great, too, is he'll be like an old man with a cane.

Like a gray streak Because it's the cyberpunk future Yeah it's true But that max is long dead Oh yeah Because he had gray hair in In our regular time Yeah

He would die from Nas Because he's always got That tiny camera in his hand Yeah Oh god It would just riddle him So you guys know the names Of these two idiots

And I'm like I'm like oh they're just talking About those catfish guys I'm just gonna let him go Nearly every episode Are you kidding me I've seen every episode And I say that

embarrassedly. Well, as long as you're embarrassed about it. It's my addiction. It's a hate watch. Yeah. Exactly. And that's... A lot of MTV's hate watchable. It's fake, right? Like, there's more truth to teen wolf. I mean, it's definitely staged. Like, every episode has the same formula where it's like, oh my God, who's doing this? And they know, like, obviously when they start the episode, they know exactly who's doing it.

But I do think most of the interactions aren't as staged. as the actual formula of the show. Like, if you're catfishing Eric and you're saying you're a sexy lady and I'm like, Eric, oh my God, who's catfishing you? I have no idea. Let me do some Google research. Oh, my God, it's Andrew. So they know.

That's every episode. So like three minutes are real. And the rest of it's like them doing their research. And then it's a lot of weird homerereratica stuff in hotel rooms. Is there ever an episode where it's like, oh, no, it turned out he was this football star. Yes. Oh, really? Yes.

So it wasn't catfishing? How did it make it on the air? They, I believe, it popped up on the screen, hashtag real fish. No, it did it. Oh. Yeah. That was a big old hashtag real fish. And then there was the time that the real big fish guys did catfish that one guy.

Hashtag real big fish. Yeah, they were conning them into thinking that they were a big man. They're relevant. we're just kidding around I know they're listening They're my favorite band I'm not apologetically love them Anyway

So how is it that they convince iced tea To stop dropping cars on them This like the third act of this movie Gets a little hazy But like also because the Yakuza And B. Takashi Like all show up at the hideout Kind of at the same time

Well yeah they've got like a two minute No they I don't even know They just get up to Stop throwing cars cars at me. Hey, no. Oh.

Booth. Dodging these cars. You're wasting your car. We met 15 hours ago. It's almost the post-apocalypse. You just wasted $20,000 on me. And I'm still alive. So anyway, they're up there.

And he's like, I have to talk to Jones. Jones is going to get this chip out of my head. And Istee is like, all right. He's right over there. Oh, God. In that tank of water. Oh, no. Jones is a dolphin.

A dolphin that the military used to use for, like, coded something, something. And that is in the short story. That's straight from William Gibson's head. But that's kind of a real thing, right? Don't we use dolphins in some way to, like, transport something? They're tuna fish, yeah. I thought that was a legitimate thing that we were trying to figure out. I'm sure there's some egghead somewhere in a dark laboratory toying with some...

Oh, man, egghead. You start a relationship with... some sexy 19 year old girl and you're like oh man I can't wait to meet her and then Nev Shulman's like all right man we're going to Minneapolis to meet this sexy girl you're gonna I think you're gonna be in love with her we'll figure

it out there but she might be catfishing you're just letting you know you get up and it's a dolphin and a tank with an implant head that sounds like the plot of a South Park episode it may just be well here's the love of your life don't you feel stupid catfish

God I hate those guys Oh, they're terrible. So we get up there and it's like, all right, you got a mind meld with this dolphin. And he'll, like, you know, sort of hack your brain and, you know, help you figure out what this other clue is. So you can download the, uh, and I mean, like, way to waste a dolphin. You know what I mean? Like, this dolphin isn't even like, yes, I am Jones. Have Keith David do the voice of Jones.

Oh, yes. Like Johnny Mnemonic. Um, little Jones. And I can't take anything out from here because I'm a dolphin. Just like a dolphin with his voice telling me to have a seat. Like, I'm sitting down. Oh, yeah. I am following this dolphin's instructions.

Yes. To the letter. That'd be a great end Keith David because, you know, when you're watching the movie and it's like this person, that person, and Keith David, the rest of me, and you're like, ooh, Keith David. And you perk up because you're a weirdo. And you're like, I can't wait to see what he's going to show up. How'd you get the beans above the frank?

great moments in Keith David history that's our side podcast it's two episodes long bat and requiem for a dream and men at work oh yeah who's who's he in men at work

is he's not the bad guy no he's like the crazy veteran with them that might be a stay tuned as well yeah he's like a yeah like he's their new boss he's like a supervisor or something he's just like

Oh, of the garbage man. He keeps on getting like flashbacks to Nam, of course. And he's like, that pizza boy gets no food because he might be a communist. Oh, yeah. Then they put him in a rice paddy hat. It's like, oh, no. Yeah, there's a lot of interesting stuff going on that film. There's at some point, I don't remember when it is that they steal a car and run over Dolf Langren, but that does happen.

Yeah, and when they're on their way to What's his face's house, they're on the way to Jones's house. the Dolphins pen all the way to SeaWorld. Welcome to the Dolph Lungren is just like, he knows he's a bounty hunter and he knows he's got to get the drop on them and he's like, freeze my children. And they're like, obviously we're just going to run over you, dude. Like, clearly we have the drop on you. But he's like mostly a robot. So he like Michael Myers himself gets back up.

And again, like I want more like there needs to be more of like just solidify. your plot. Let's get one villain going. Let's follow Dolph Lundran doing shit, man. Exactly. Because on the poster, it's Keanu Reeves Dolph Lundgren, by the way. Yeah. Well, you know, that could always just be 57 Ronan. Just do that. Street feature. I mean, Dolph Lundgren counts as 10 Ronan. F why I. Oh, yeah, totally. At least 10 Roan. He's 100% taller than every Ronan. With the strength of 10 Ronan. So he tries to like mind meld with this dolphin and the dolphin can't even really crack it? Yeah, he's just like, I need

more information, dude. This is a dolphin, which are the smartest of the sea. So that's crazy. So you're really up Schitt's Creek if a dolphin can't crack your coat. And then of course they go under fire by all of the converging factions. Yeah, it's like the end of the Blues Brothers. Like everyone that they've pissed off

throughout the entire movie that shows up. The Illinois Nazis are in there. Oh, so, yeah, it's just like a big old fight. It's actually a pretty good action scene. Because they're on this, like, very weird. like underside of a bridge there's a lot of people getting thrown into the river which is cool right and the the illinois nazis drive their station wagon off the bridge and then it cut then there's suddenly like a thousand feet above newark and yeah no it doesn't end well for them i've always loved you uh so so at this point like the head of the the yakuza like gets keanu reeves they're both like kind of hanging off and he gets out like his razor wire which is awesome and keanu reeves like does some fancy keanu reevesing and this dude gets his head cut off and falls into the river.

Yeah, that's a pretty good death for him. I mean, we all saw it coming. Like, once you've got a cool laser wire whip, it's definitely getting used against you to kill him. Oh, yeah, absolutely. A hundred times out of a hundred. If you're the bad guy, a hundred times out of a hundred. They could have actually,

because, like, speed is the year before this. Like, they could have reprised the, um, taller. Because it's, again, Keanu Reeves decapitating the villain of the movie. I'm going to choke my money out of you. so I did a offer in that movie man I'll tell you what the first time I saw speed

I was devastated when Jeff Daniels gets killed oh man like when the trip wire goes off and Jeff Daniels just looks at it and I was like no well he does this like why me look at the camera

like I never get I mean I know like obviously you know you're fucked your bomb guy but I'd be like oh shit and like I can try grab everybody I can and die

with as little dignity as like jump out of a window do something push over old ladies anything no I would you know straighten up you know die with good posture oh yeah that's what I would do oh also speaking of dignity of getting lost for Jeff Daniels

dumb and dumber too comes out this month oh yeah got dignity just right out the window I could not care less about seeing that movie oh you know I thought he lost the dignity when he did the news that has to be like one of the most like split down the, there's either people that love that show or just hate the shit out of it. I've never seen a second of it, so I can't weigh in.

Yeah, I watched like half a season one and abort, abort. Also, before the yakuza dude gets hilariously decapitated, he shoots the shit out of Beat Takeshi. Yeah. So that happens. Which is why we then get the scene of like Beat Takesi like sort of redeems himself.

You know, he gives Keanu Reeves. The other two pictures It's a baggie with like the other picture in it Yeah Because remember it's not the other two pictures Steve because remember The third picture is locked in Keanu Reeves' head So it's like you have to hack a thing

To hack yourself So that you can get the part you need to hack the bigger thing Oh mercy By way of a dolphin So B Takeshi gives them the two pictures And the dolphins like All right now we have to mine melt again and we're going to hack the net.

Well, no, and before that, of course, Dolf Lundgren has to try and crucify Dina Mayer, Starship Troopers, Dina Mayer. And, you know, he gets a nail in there. And, you know, the thing is she's such a badass, quote-unquote, and the whole movie kind of builds her as a badass. She's got no badass moments. She's nothing even remotely close to badass.

If she just breaks Dolf Lundgren's neck or, like, just beats him, like, in a bare-knuckle fight, that'd be pretty fucking cool. Yeah. be cool. And now, shouldn't he be dressed as a Roman centurion instead of Jesus? Yes. If he is indeed the one doing

the crucifying, you mean? Good point. Yeah. No, he looks like a bad Jesus Halloween costume. She gets away from him and then like somehow, the dolphin gets the credited kill, by the way. You know, at best, she gets the assist. She gets the assist.

There's like this sonic wave device. Oh my God. What the fuck was that about? It's like, I think it's a magnet because what happens is they turn it on Dolf and like all of the implants and everything start getting like pulled out of him and he's like

and this thing's like you know pulling all this stuff out of him and then somehow he gets pushed into some wiring and just sets on fire it's amazing like he's on fire in a crucifixion position of course goes up like a Roman candle

speaking of Roman candles that there's like fireworks shooting out of him like all this stuff is happening until he's just like a burnt husk. And then he just falls to the group for walking at the end of Batman Returns. Spoiler alert for Batman Returns, I apologize. Without all the, without all the sexy making out with Catwoman. Yeah, that's true.

That was a weird thing. I remember seeing that movie like as a kid and I understood. Kind of made you feel weird, didn't it? Well, I understood, right? Like, okay, like, yeah, she's going to kiss him, but like you get like the zapper in the mouth like that's horrible the taser right and i was like still get to kiss michel fiver's catwoman that ain't half bad tell spider more of what you think of this spider welcome to the show i'm chris hanson

to have a seat over here i see you brought wine coolers and gummy bears and always condoms FYI because that's how you get those perverses like and bring you can never explain a box of condoms away there's no other reason to like wine coolers maybe i just wanted to have them for myself i'm going to a party later exactly gummy bears they're a delicious fat-free snack for everybody oh also when uh dalph lunger like blows in to the space he definitely says it's jesus time like it's it's jesus time and then they come to jesus yeah and i mean i think this is a role that dulf lunger could i mean kind

of does but could really knock out of the park if you just give him anything to do he's got like six minutes of screen time. He's like my favorite part of the movie. Absolutely. He's hands down the best part of this movie. Like it's such an insane character and such a like wholly offensive thing too. Like I can see people being like, are you kidding me? Here's the thing.

It's also the one thing that they don't take really seriously. They have fun with it, but everything else about putting megabytes and your brains and shit. Yeah. All super serious. Yeah. It's like tense and mafias around and stuff. It's like a, you know, but Jesus shows up and it's fun in games. Give me the fun in games.

So the dolphin helps execute Dolf Lundgren. He's a burnt husk on the floor. So now we're going to hack in. So the dolphin and Keanu Reeves like go into this world. He becomes the slender man again in this animated world. And it's so stupid because he's like, once the machine knows that we're in there, it's going to send out a virus. So like they're in this dumb cartoon. And it's like, all your human.

Antagonists are dead Movie over just Shut up Seriously like now Now you're telling me It's all these like Fail safes that they've put in For like automatic responses

Yeah And whatever So this thing's like Launching the virus And then it's like Star Wars lasers Just like going at him And he's

It's so dumb Like he He does a thing where he makes Two versions of himself And you have to have iced tea On the outside Like explaining what's happening Because the double

Like starts getting shot with all the lasers and Jane's like, holy shit, like Johnny's dead. He's like, no, no, no, that's just the double. See, he doubled himself for safety. It makes sense when you're doing VR battle. And she's like...

It's been a long December. I'll sit here with the Mr. Jones himself. Oh, my God, Mr. Jones. It was about a fucking dolphin the whole time. Mr. Jones and me going swimming in the water park. So they get the goddamn thing out of his mind. They find out it's the cure for Nause.

Well, that's the third thing, though, is a picture of the lady. Yes, it was a picture of the ghost the whole time. It was the ghost the whole time. Ghost photography is hard to get. When Ice T gets his webcam back on, it's like, oh, everybody set your VCRs. I'm about to, I'm about to send out the cure for Naz. This is amazing. like it's this super time sensitive thing and he does this big hype man intro for it he's like all right

planet earth everybody get ready for this set your VCRs to stun because here comes the cure for nods bringing it to you live streaming straight from heaven and I'm like just shut up and spread this cure please because who knows what's going to happen exactly the corporations are after you and they rule the world so after this big hype man scene They press play on the VCR, and this thing goes off, and it spreads around. Like, here's all the information. Also stuff, no one watching would ever understand. No, it's like graphs and bars.

It's not like step one, drink this potion, step two, be cured. It's like, step two, not have this disease anymore. That's what I can follow. It's like, oh, all I need is a centerfuge and a bunch of math. And we get like this montage of all these people watching on all these TVs. There's people like crying, like everybody's excited, you know, that we're cured. It's kind of interesting, though, because this is totally like a WikiLeaks, Edward Snowden type thing. Like, talk about predicting it, man.

They predicted everything. Do you think Ed Snowden's like a big fan of Johnny DeMonick? Yeah, of course. He was the original whistleblower. It's probably why you got inspired to get into this whole, you know, running around the world with secret intel. I'll tell you what's Snowden's Sideburn situation looking like. That's how you tell. Oh, yeah.

I don't think it's that long. it's kind of a little homage yeah by the way um citizen four best documentary of the year speaking of ed snow really yeah check that out great movie i don't better than that benedic cumberbatch movie nobody wanted to watch it's a good movie it's totally fine the fifth of state oh oh oh you mean that one oh i thought you meant the benedic cumberbatch movie that's coming out imitation no no i meant yeah oh fifth of state yeah i didn't see that that's supposed to be really shitty yeah julian assange does make a cameo appearance in citizen four Hmm. Yeah, it's pretty great.

Wow. So anyway, yeah, the cure is spread all over the place. And somehow, like, now that all those gigabytes are out of his brain hallways, something else about this machine, like, jostled back his memories. Right, he's got his child. Oh, my God, I remember my seventh birthday party. Awesome. That's all I was missing.

So that's why I'm so fucked up that I want prostitutes all the time. Oh, I'm really empty inside. Bummer. My dad, really. shouldn't have done that. They got me the red tricycle when I wanted the blue one. What idiots. That's why my life is horrible. And then my favorite

part of the movie happens. We get a shot of Dolf Lundgren's charred husk of a corpse and it starts to slowly get up. Right. And we've been told like this dude's like more machine than man. And I was lied to by my good friend and I was like

oh shit this is what he crucifies ice tea. I swear to God, I was watching it last night. In my I thought the skeleton was about to crucify Ice Tea, and I was like, sign me up, 10 star movie. Can you imagine if that's how that movie actually ended? But what's actually happening is like, they're just like hauling them up with a bunch of chains, and Ice Tea's like, man, get that garbage out of here. Get that garbage. They huck them off the bridge into a watery grave, much like Osama bin Laden.

Two of the world's greatest terrorists Osama bin Laden and Dahlgren's Jesus Street preacher Oh, do you think his birth name is Billy Talon? What? The street preacher, Reverend Billy? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that guy's a great man.

Now, that was a failed joke. You're calling him street preacher. Whatever. So, yeah, I mean, and that's it. We're fight clubbing at the end. because the the Pharmacon building is in flames for some reason. For some reason. Don't really know how that happened.

But Ice T's like, yeah, that's a big, fuck you to say the revolution is on. And I was like, is it? Could have just been an office fire. You know what? Thank God that you guys confirm that for me. Because I was like, I don't get. One of them will get it. They'll know why Farmcom's office is exploded.

Well, because we're doing exposition in this movie well into the fourth act. it's hard to keep everything in play. So I guess just like people just had an uprising, a violent uprising against the corporation. Yeah, why not? What the hell? That's most of this movie is, yeah, why not? It's a dolphin.

It's a dolphin. Literally, why not? It's a dolphin. What else could it be? See, no one has any better suggestions. A dolphin's just as good as anything else. I mean, maybe a dinosaur. No.

Theodore, right? Maybe. Oh, talking T-Rex cop. Right. Like, you know, instead of like a Jurassic Park, Ice-T gets like dinosaur DNA and replicates it with like he puts his scientist friend into it, Dr. Jones, and like

splices it. Dude, that's who you should have cast in Jurassic World, by the way, is Ice-T. Imagine Ice-T getting hunted by a raptor. Oh, I thought you meant Sam Jackson comes back as a clone of himself. He's the only one to cut to make the system go back online. But here's the thing, Andrew, Ice-T doesn't get hunted by Raptors.

Ice-T hunts rapids. Yeah, you're totally right. So that brings to mind a great idea for a movie, Ice-T-Raptor Hunter. Well, I mean, Ice-T could play Turok the Dinosaur Hunter. To be fair, Ice-Tee has been hunted by Charles Estudden before. To be fair. Surviving the game, that's a definite state, too. Oh, my God, I can't wait for that.

Would anybody recommend Johnny Mnemonic? I kind of, I would. It's a fun, weird watch. uh it's there are there are gleams of it knowing it's a b movie sort of but not really uh i also will give keanu reeves all the credit in the world for having balls of steel and doing the matrix after this like this is a movie that nearly destroyed his career and then like three years later they're like hey here's a script that's almost that exact same script but i guarantee you it's a huge movie and he's like all right yeah it's like so it's a movie where my character gets

data uploaded to his head. Uh-huh. And it's a future where machines have sort of destroyed most of society. Uh-huh. Okay, let's do it. Well, and like, you think about the flip side of that is Sean Connery who just, who was devastated by

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and famous it was like, well, I'll never do any shit like that again. And then they gave him the matrix, like, oh, it's like a cartoon show and said, no. And it's like, well, that's just stupid. And like, you know, Keanu, I think Keanu is actually a Like, everyone likes to give him shit for being stupid,

but I think honestly, if you polled all of Hollywood, he'd have average intelligence if in that, you know what I mean? Keanu Reeves, I'm sure is a great guy. I would love to hang out with Keanu Reeves. And I'll say it, I still haven't seen it yet. I'm dying to see that John Wick movie. Me too. Dying to see that movie.

Also, you've got that story backwards about Connery. He turned down the Matrix. And so he was like, I won't get fooled by that again. Oh, what's that? League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, yes, I'll do it. Oh, that's what it is. Yes.

That's why he did that movie, because he turned down being Neo, and then that movie exploded. Not Neo, Morpheus. Oh, Morpheus, excuse me. I would have loved it if he was Neo. I know Kung Fu. Or I just did this office job. He's got some pretty okay career instincts. And I think he's actually, he's a really good screen presence.

He makes this movie. This movie would be much worse without Keanu Reeves. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Eric? Yeah, it's a timid recommend. It's interesting. It's a time capsule type of thing.

And I think people should check it out. Yeah, why not? And I am also dying to see John Wick. And yeah, I like Keanu. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I would recommend this movie. When we started the recommends, I was like, you're not going to recommend this movie. But it's like, it's a harmless, like, 96 minutes. Yep, exactly. It's stupid. It's a time capsule thing for sure. the thing is I just don't like watching

like 90s cyber thrillers I totally don't unless you're kind of like hate watching it but I don't know there's a dolphin that's super smart and ice tease in it so a dolphin and a dolphin yeah if anything I would recommend this movie for Dolph's performance

over the dolphin who's also great I would say yeah cyberpunk is a genre that I have absolutely no time or patience for never have never will oh really you don't like Blade Runner I like Blade Runner? Okay then shut up he doesn't like strange days though no yeah i'm not going to watch strange days i need to see it or existence you know what else existence is not a good movie i don't like it either and a lot of

people do like it so deal with it that's johnny mnemonic from 1995 directed by robert longo thank you again for alec and several other people honestly who called in for this for this movie it was a big recommend from our listeners this uh this time of round so there you go clue for next week's episode one letter Q Q the hint for next week's episode

is Q if you want more information about we hate movies go to our website WHMpodcast.com rate and review and iTunes like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter

we're at WHM podcast until next week with Q I'm Andrew Jupin Eric Siska Steven Say that take it easy

Thank you.