We Hate Movies - S5 Ep181: Three Men and a Baby

Episode Date: December 2, 2014

On this week's episode, the gang cracks a horrendous 1980's sex cult with the ridiculous comedy, Three Men and a Baby! Just how large is this New York City apartment? Why do these guys try to play hardball with serious drug dealers? And was that really Wilson from Home Improvement? PLUS: We look inside a seedy, 1980's Manhattan sex cult through the eyes of one tortured doorman! Three Men and a Baby stars Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, Nancy Travis, Margaret Colin, Philip Bosco and Earl Hindman; directed by Star Trek's Leonard Nimoy. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you're new to We Hate Movies, this is the first episode in the final month of 2014. We got the year winding down, and we're kind of getting into some lighter fare.

We just had our listener request month. A lot of weird things going on there. Yeah, a lot of rape happened last month that I'm not too crazy about. No, just a lot of situations I don't want to be involved in ever again. Molestations. Just gross. So let's get gross. in a different way

with 1987's three men and a baby directed by Leonard Nimoy just there's so much wrong about what I just said nobody could have guessed that one like that's what you make

your debut really spot that's a bar bet you're gonna win a hundred times out of a hundred you're totally right like just anybody and the biggest Star Trek fan in the world be like

oh yeah by the way you know who directed three men a little bit and a baby no Leonard fucking Nimoy did yeah no you're totally right I, that shot across the screen

and I went, wait, what? No idea. I had no idea. Man, you know what? I would have liked this movie a little bit better if the three leads were Walter Koenig, James Dewan, and who would, George DeKay. And George DeKah, yeah, it couldn't be Shatner. Certainly not. No, he would not. He would not let himself again be directed by Leonard Nimoy.

Twice was enough. As far as Shatner tells it. Maybe he can play the Nancy Travis part. he'd probably do a better English accent than Nancy Travis It's possible, it's more studied Is she the worst actress in the world? He really might be It's so bad

All right, wait Who's worse? Nancy Travis or Andy McDowell Travis Travis? I mean Also mail this joke to four minutes ago Oh my, a baby

joke received sounds like when you try to doctor an email at work you change a timestamp you do that no he said with his face turning the color of a beat so for those of you who don't remember

this is the movie where three idiots well mostly two idiots for the majority of the yeah mostly it's two idiots take care of a baby in arguably comical ways I guess is the best way to describe it it's of course Ted Danson, Steve Gutenberg, and the mustachioed Tom Selleck. The only way to look at Tom Selle. I mean, it's hypnotizing, really.

It is hypnotizing. It is beautiful. It's a vortex of handsome. And honestly, Tom Selleck is made out of granite in this movie. I don't know what he was doing. I don't know, but he was doing it right. And he was doing it every day for at least 45 to 60 minutes a day. There's that scene where he's on that rowing machine.

And I'm like, that thing would be outlawed today. about actual weightlifting and whatever it's just like this real contraption that he's using well compared to the one you see like Kevin Spacey use in the house of cards cards there like that thing looks like yeah that's a this thing is like you could kill yourself on it there's like rotten wood splintering off this thing

it's the kind that like the kids in final destination still have in their house for some reason it would kill someone in a final destination It could go that way very easily, I'm saying. The specter of death would have a real fun time killing a teenager with this rowing machine. I'm going to use that, and I'm going to use that, and I'm going to use that. The Reaper's Wishlist. That's a great fucking deleted scene.

It's like Tony Todd going in someone's house, like rubbing his hands. Like, oh, man, an old microwave, that's pretty awesome. He's got a little moleskin with him. He's just petted it out. Research. Reap search. so yeah we open up with uh the first of two miami sound machine songs we what what movie can you recall that starts with a montage about fucking because that's it's like three men and a baby and then it's just them seeing ladies to the door for a long time because that's a long Miami sound machine song in the midst of Steve Gutenberg and the mural

oh my god painting a mural in the vestibule of your apartment and i assume we're going to talk a lot about the new york state you know real estate market in this episode of course we are but number one on it i don't think you get to do that unless you own the condo yeah but they might own this they have to own if they own the condo then it makes this even worse than i originally thought the coke brothers couldn't own this condo they could they absolutely couldn't they'd be on a waiting list to get this condo. You're totally right. They'd have to borrow from the bank to own this condo.

And let's, let's, we, I don't think you can talk about this movie without first talking about the apartment. So let's also preface this whole thing with Tom Selleck is, I guess, a pretty successful architect. Sure. Steve Gutenberg is a newly successful animator. He's just like, like,

comic strip. Oh, cartoon strips. Right, right, right. And, and Ted Danson is like a B actor. Like, he's in a TV movie. He hasn't quite broken yet. He's done, well, it seems like he's done a bunch of commercials that, you know, and you can make a pretty penny making, doing good commercial. Oh, yeah, the can you hear me now guy doesn't have to work anymore. He's

making a living off of acting. Time to make the donuts was buried in a golden coffin. Yeah, he's not Mr. Time to Make the Donuts, whoever he was. Yeah, he was actually an Asian Egyptian. He's no one knew

that he was Egyptian and he's in a cat he's in a sarcophagus right now with a bunch of mummified cats alongside him to take into the afterlife yes all of his riches no little Caesar's gonna be you know buried with a bunch of gold

why would you bury a cartoon and the noid too you put them all in one the noid's definitely gonna be buried in the ground in the cold cold ground Tom Waits is playing so all right

the point is though Like, whatever their success rate is, it's not at the level of living in a place like this. No. No. It's, it's, it's enormous. It's got ballrooms. It's got a salarium. There's like an area that they walk through back and forth that is like this tunnel of light.

And I just don't understand it. They got a billiards parlor, too. Oh, yeah. There's a straight up pool room complete with a jukebox. And the whole thing is, like, when they're doing these long tracking shots of them running through the apartment trying to take care of this. baby the apartment is so big that you start thinking like this shot is going on too long yeah but it's just one unbroken movement through this huge palace it's like watching the kid go around in the little bicycle and the shining like it's just all these corners you're just like this can't be this big and

it's definitely it's the penthouse apartment it's also of course an apartment and this is how you know you made it in new york when you have your own elevator stop that lets you off at the apartment. They're in the penthouse. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. And yeah, I don't think you can be painted because they are answering to some snooty landlady. So yes. I feel like this mural that he's making, which by the way, when this show

started four years ago, Chris, Eric and I lived together and I always campaigned to have a mural of the three of us. I remember your clipboard. Yeah. This is a best buds mural. Uh-huh. It's a best buds mural. It's the three of them. They're painted in

evening wear. Like it's some sort of New Year's dave ball or something like that? Oh, they're going to be on Broadway. They look like they're about to do the kick line. Yeah, totally. It's a real, you know, like 1930s musical poster is what we're going for here. Yeah, it's a Hirschfeld. And it's just, it's really bizarre to have, like, I would be turned off by this.

Like, if I'm a lady, which, you know, there's nothing but a line of, like, you know, hey, look, I'm going to hook up with Tom Seltke's good looking dude. Sure. I go up there and there's a mural of him. And I'm like, you know what? No, this is a. Because the other thing that that says, too. is that we have no intention of ever not living together. Yep.

You know what I mean? There's no one in that apartment who's like, this is great for now, but eventually maybe just one of us will live here. I can't wait to get my own penthouse apartment. You know, it's just like we're in it for the long haul. But I just imagine it's fucking like Steve, Steve Gutenberg is the last one there. And he does get a family. And like, whenever his, you know, wives' friends come in, he has to explain this mural. to him. I feel, no, because if you're the last one there, you're painting over it.

You have to paint over it. I feel like, but it's his art. He's doing it. So I feel like he's not going to let it show off a little. He doesn't want, you know. Or maybe he carves it out of the wall and puts it somewhere. It's also on like the elevator door kind of, or at least like close enough to it that I think yeah, you're right. That lady, the landlady like would have something to say about the situation. A lot to say about it. So we're Miami sound machine and you're seeing this mural you're seeing like the bad boys not do that tango which we'll get to don't worry about it and you know we're leaving this like trail of tears like these ladies just leaving this apartment wafts of sex and every like the weird thing about these guys and

hey they need to be 15 years younger to make sense that they would live together that they would want to live together that they're yeah they're all in their mid to late 30s if not early 40s it makes no sense yeah how is not at least one of them like I'm tired of living here I guess if you have that sweet of a pad You put up with it Maybe that's what it is It's so big They just barely see each other

It's like are you home Home home? Yeah Yeah But no What they're doing is like Are you having sex? Sex X!

Oh my God I'm going outside your window And smell it Because everyone's all over Like oh would you fuck last night Because they're all like looking at each other Giving wings High fives

And they're like kind of ranking Who's coming in and out of this place It's fucking twisted. There's also one moment of like, I'm about to have her, but I'll gift her to you. Yeah. I was like, whoa, whoa, wait, what's happening here? I don't think so. Gentle family comedy.

Yeah, I definitely think one of them is Steve Gutenberg like, okay, the Rams, you know, beat the spread here. Fine. Also at the beginning of this movie and in one other scene, Tom Selleck, I believe it's Tom Selleck. Yes. Tom Selleck is wearing, if it's not the exact, it's a very close, uh, uh, similar looking shirt that Alec Baldwin wears in Beetlejuice. Yeah, like the black and the black white checker. Yeah. Yeah. It looks really close. And I was like, it's the Beetleju shirt. That's where I was while watching this. So yeah,

we're all like just fucking each other and fucking around. And like definitely you're like people are fucking on the couch when you're coming home. Right. Like that it's that much of a sex apartment. right yeah yeah and it's just you oh cool bro whatever i'm just putting the eggs in the fridge don't mind me picked up some milk and toilet paper too that's going great though don't worry i'm 41 years old talk to you later

good form yeah a woman has died in this apartment right like 100% yep oh an overdose i believe yeah just like what do we do how do we get rid of her yeah a lot of strategizing about how we're going to handle the situation they don't call her Kathy, they call her the situation in the other room. Oh my God, what if they

walled her up and then painted a mural of them dancing over her grave? They're literally dancing on the grave for eternity. Well, it makes sense because it happened while they were passing her around to each other, so. They were all into it together, so. They can't recall

who was actually responsible for laying the death blow. So then we cut to, it's Tom Selleck's birthday party, and it's a nondescript birthday party. It better be a big one. Like if he's doing this every year, I'm not going to it. I think he's turning 50. But you're right. This is an extravagant ass birthday party. They've got help. There's hired help catering and passing out things in the ballroom because this apartment's so big. There's

a hundred people at least. And you know, Steve Gutenberg's got a nice 1980s box camera. And it's a party. So he's walking and talking everybody getting a little bit of exposition out of way. Oh, he's doing the lifestyles of the rich. Oh, my God. He's trying to do a Robin Leach impression, and it's backfiring from syllable one, man. However, he's correct because this is a place that could only be owned by the rich and famous. Yeah. Oh, no, I think Robin Leach was actually there at one point. Also, his, his Robin Leach impression, bad as it might be, is still better than Nancy Travis doing a British accent in this. 100%. Oh, yeah, absolutely. She might be the worst actress of all time. Maybe. One of the things that comes out here, and like the beginning of this movie is one movie. When the baby shows up, it's another movie. When the heroin shows up, it's another movie. And then it kind of ends.

One of the balls that gets dropped here is that Tom Selleck has this girlfriend. It's a weird open relationship. They're all cool with it. It's David Tellum from Independence Day. She is. And something, maybe. She's good. I actually like her.

She is good. She shows up. but they're like she goes Gutenberg goes up to her and like she's kind of the brassy one like everybody she's friends with everybody she grabs Gutenberg's dick in this scene because that's all that's going on because he's like oh why do you

why are you dating my best friend and roommate even though you're 49 years old and like she's like he's got a great and like grabs it and he's like oh that's why succinct answer I just came on camera

Is this a family movie? Who knows? Who cares? Who could possibly pay attention? Fuck it, I'm going to whip it out. Ted Dancin is a whole other can of worms in this movie. Oh man, this guy's a creep and a half. Gutenberg is a creep though.

So like during this party scene, there's one point where like there's some girl like sad about something in a bedroom. and he's like in his bedroom in goodberg in his bedroom and it's like you want to talk to my cartoon tiger puppet and tell him all your problems a lot of sass this uh the only thing we don't know much about this comic strip that he does but apparently he does a comic strip about a cat that talks like a stereotypical black guy which why if you have a comic strip are you giving it a voice at all yeah it's just a and he's been working on it yeah he's clearly been working on this voice yeah yeah to do with this hand puppet.

But it's like, it's like, hey, baby, why don't you talk to this here? Hand puppet and see, see if he can't make you draw those tears. You think he's been doing some pitch for like PBS or, like, Nickelodeon? Where he's like, if I give it a voice, if I make this puppet from scratch, I can prove to the network that it might be a viable cartoon or something like that. Yeah, I think that's where he's going with it. Well, you know what? All right, Garfield kind of talks like Bill Murray, Senator Net Labs. Oh, I can talk like Garrett Morris.

There you go. Woo-hoo, it's Garrett Morris's birthday. Greatest rando joke on The Simpsons ever. And, like, yeah, he's like, he's the sensitive one. So he's, like, trying to talk her out of it. But still trying, like, this woman's sobbing on his bed. And he's still thinking he's going to close. Oh, that's what it is.

She's upset because, like, she broke up with her boyfriend. Yeah. And he's like, oh, really? And so, like, in him trying to be charming and, like, you know, emotional and sweet and understanding. It totally backfires because she's like, you're right. I should get back with him. Can I call him from your phone and invite him to the party? And he's like looking at the puppet like, I guess so, baby. You're just like, just me and you tonight. Yeah, I guess you're jerking me off again, Tiger puppet. Another night for me in rags. Me and Cool's tonight. Oh, cool's the

tiger, whatever it is. Johnny Cool. Oh, Steve, this is getting sad. I know. Oh, that's going to get cut. There's also, Tom Selleck, one of the rooms is his tape room, which is just sports events, old sports events on tape. It's the highlights room. I didn't understand what was happening at first,

because I had never seen this first one. I've seen the second one before, and I was like trying to figure out what they all did. Yeah. You know? And I was like, wait a second. Is he like a retired professional athlete? Because he's talking like, he's making all of his friends rewatch a baseball play like over and over and over again. And I was like, oh.

So he's like Ted Danson was in cheers, I guess. Like that's what's happening. But it turns out he's an architect. So like, what is this room for? He's got thousands of tapes. And you're telling me none of them have sex on them? Incorrect. Oh, no.

There's a whole wall. It's a wall. Like everything's labeled and it's like NFL. you know 1980 to 1985 things like that MLB you know

the 86 season and then it's just a big question mark on an index card and it's put on the bookshelf like I don't know what's on these tapes

it's the mystery section no it's the it's the John Madden's greatest hits and you pull it and then the next shelf comes out oh yeah

because no one would want to watch John Madden's greatest hits it's all the jokes that he's told all the years all the flubs yeah

So I mean that's that's like the party That's how we're introduced to all these people And then it's like a next morning We're hung over We're letting we're letting whoever stayed over Out of the house The only plot point is Ted dancing gets pulled aside By his friend who's like

This director who's like hey man I got a package coming in a couple of days But I'll be out of town I told them to leave it at your place And then's like yeah sure no problem man He's like it's a package And it's real delicate So immediately I'm like

Oh, so you're drugs, right? We're doing drugs? It's totally drugs. And I need to know what kind of drugs they are, how much, what denomination, and I could say yes or no thank you. Exactly. And maybe we should be having this conversation in my room and not necessarily in this huge hallway where there's everybody around. But it was 1987, man. They're in a Manhattan penthouse apartment.

There was probably five other similar conversations happening. The thing is that they were in the aquarium part of the penthouse. So they probably were okay. No, exactly. It was just in different wings. You didn't see what was going on. Sure. But it's heroin and like, yeah, it's the biggest one of all. Like, you know, my buddy's got a, got a gram, a weed, you know, fine, I'll hold on to it for a couple of days, sure.

This is a serious time. Yeah. It's outrageous that he tries to dupe Ted Danson like this, like specify. And, you know, it's on Ted Danson. Absolutely. You have to know, you know, to ask the right questions in this kind of situation. Anybody says a package, like, you know it's bad news. And it's a delicate thing, don't open it.

Like, it's either somebody's head or it's drugs. Also, Ted Danson, you've worked with this commercial director before. You know what a scumbag he is. He looks like a scumbag. You've probably blown lines off his necklines. Or actually, third option there, it's somebody's head, it's drugs, or it's a spooky idol. And you don't want it to be a spooky idol. No, but man, I wish it was for the sake of this movie.

Way better movie. Oh, no, I shouldn't have opened the cursed idol. No. Or no. Or you get like a vice versa thing. Oh, yeah. He swaps with a baby. With Steve Gutenberg and oh no. Well, that's the thing. They're all kind of the same person. So like you, if all three of them swapped, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Well, no, because Selleck is, and this I think goes to the sports thing, is that like he's the manliest man that ever man on the planet man.

You see the way he jogs in the street in the jogs in the street? He jogs in the street. He jogs in the street. And he picks up a lady jogging on the street in the beginning montage. It's unbelievable. He's like a magnet. And Steve Gutenberg is not. not the manliest man that ever man. No, that's true. He's kind of a weird child with his little cartoon. He says to that woman, uh, that he's trying to, uh, have the three way with, uh, him, her and that tiger puppet. Yeah. Um, it's something, because when the ex-boyfriends brought up, he says something about like, there's no better way to forget a lover than to dance with a

stranger. And I was like, you're gross. You just tossed this one right out the door. You ruined that whole thing with that line. I think I just went sterile. It was disgusting. Dance with a... What are you, Jack Pallets? Jack Pallants might have been able to pull that one off. But that's because you're always a little afraid of Jack Pallant.

No one's a little afraid of Steve Gutenberg. Hey, honey. Why don't you drop that loser and try... Dancing with a stranger. Oh, my God. I guess I have to. I don't want him to eat my soul So, all right, so yeah, the package part is set up

So next morning, we get the doorbell ringing And Ted Dancin goes to Turkey, by the way, He's shooting a movie TV movie, yeah At the end of the night, they're all just drinking With like red wine together, like, oh, wait, We keep coming back to this party, you can't escape it Because there's another part where one of them, I think it's, it's Cellick Because Seleck has, he's got the on and off again relationship with what's her face.

And she's going to stay over. And like, Gutenberg's bumming that, like, he creeped this lady out to the point where she left. And use the palin's line. I thought it was going to work. And Tom Seleck's like, you know what? Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go in there. I'm going to tell David tell him to go home.

Oh, no, it's dancing. This is dancing. Oh, is it dancing. He's got, like, some stewardess named Barbara because it's the 80s. Oh, right. Yeah, you're right. I'm going to go tell her to hit the bricks. The three of us will just hunker down here, split this bottle of wine, just make it a real guy's place.

Play some pool. See what happens on the pool table later. It's so ridiculous. There's so much lotion in this apartment. Like, come on. There's lotion. There's a whole lot of aftershave, like competing aftershave smells. Like walking into an aeropostel.

They got all sorts of colognes all over. that store. A lot of Shadee posters. Everything vaguely smells of like finally finished mahogany. And Dancin has this a series of kimonos that he has to wear. I don't know what he's just around the

house. I think it's an easy access to like whip it out. Yeah. Like he never knows when he's going to need to whip it out in a moment's notice. Oh no. I understand why he has them. My confusion is just like how many can you own? How many could it in your closet. Really? To that, Ted

Danson says, try me. Just try me, Chris. Just see what a B movie in Turkey gets you. So he goes to Turkey. I think Gouten, uh, no, Selk wakes up, because Selk's kind of the main character here. At this point, he wasn't, they kind of do

rank, it's like two movie stars at a TV star is kind of how this movie works out. Yeah. Because it's like, Selk is obviously the number one draw. He was almost Indiana Jones famously. And Gutenberg, you know police academy all that stuff so he's like the number two we've had cocoon at this point by the way exactly and he's like the comic relief like he's the dopiest one and then dancing comes

in they're like i don't know if i trust this fucking tv actor to be in my movie send him to turkey for like an hour yeah even though it was like the biggest tv show of all time by then like 87 cheers was in full swing but what are you going to do so uh sell it goes for a jog one morning his usual like babe pickup route that he jogs. Because also they live on Central Park South because of course don't worry they're doing just fine. And then like Gutenberg gets out of the shower

there's the knock at the door and then here we are finally after this weird 20 minute sex montage the baby is dropped off at the door. We know the three men here's the baby. And these got it then begins like the headache. This now begins

your headache. The remaining 75 minutes of them treating a baby like it's an alien. It's so like they refused to touch it like ew baby. You're 40 years old. You have a friend who's had a baby. You've gone to visit them and see the baby. You've held the

baby on the couch because they've asked you to do it. Dude, dude, yeah. You've had it done multiple times. Sure. I'm thinking of where we are right now. I've had about three or four meet the babies at this point. These guys have had at least triple that because it's three times the

firepower. They're rich and powerful. And they're in their 40s. To be fair, though, I'm not sure because this is a sex cult, okay? They don't have... They don't believe in ages. They don't believe in ages. They don't, like, have friends with... They're the creepy guys.

There's that really hilarious... There's that really hilarious line. It's like some other actor. It's the party, and it's like David Tellem from Independence Days walking across. And some other guy goes up to Gutenberg. He's like, oh, is she still with Seleck? And he's like, yeah. He's like, oh, she's, no, it's Selik.

It sounds like, Selik is playing this. Yeah, he's like, oh, are you guys still together? He's like, yeah, you know, we're kind of in an on and get off again thing. And she's like, he's like, oh, man, she's looking sexier than ever. Ew. That's totally like, in this sex cult, the sex circles they travel in, you could say somebody's girlfriend looks sexier than ever. Yep. Oh, and he's like, and it's not like a what the hell?

It's like a, thanks, man. And I got it, dude. I don't want to get too dragged in back to the party, but there is another line. Just what I thought I was out. They pulled this back in. Oh, she's looking sexier than ever. Ted dances. He's talking to his lady, and he's like, oh, my God.

Why didn't I recognize him? And she's like, oh, because I have clothes on this time. Oh, man. Sex cult. Sex cult and a baby is the name of this movie. All three of these guys, not at the same time, have taken a cab up county for an eyes wide shut party. Absolutely. A 110%. They've seen the teenage prostitute get her throat cut.

Don't worry about it. So, yeah, I think the point is, I don't think that they have been invited to meet many children. Because the other part of it is they clearly are like, well, this baby can't be part of the sex cult. Like, you can't get into that apartment unless you're of age. This is in Serbian film. You don't get to do that. No, no, no. And, like, you know, they're friends that would have had a child. Oh, I'm not going to bring Gutenberg over here.

That part of my life's over with. okay i'm not calling that guy ever again yeah i have a daughter now i escaped jones town with my life in my hands i'm not going back to that shit you know how long it took me to fix my credit after that oh my god you get selican here no way no fucking way that guy's built like a fucking brick shit house

he'll drag us all back in the sex cult whether we like it or not kicking and screaming I just said this. Tom Seleck, like doing Martha Marcy, May, Marlene. Oh, absolutely. Just calling them in the middle of the night. Just trying to check in, see how your life's going. There's chores.

You haven't done your chores. So Seleck comes home from this run, and it's like, there's a baby here now. And it's just, it's really the next 20 minutes is like, let's comically figure out what to do with this alien thing. don't want to touch it. Why don't you touch it? It's going to give me AIDS. I don't know. They can't touch the baby. You know what? Also, for the amount of money they must be paying for this apartment, get a fucking doorman downstairs.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sign in. You got to sign in, pal. That's what makes no sense. How did this baby get up here? It's not like it was in a box. Yeah. It's in a bassinet. Like a 1920 bassinet. And Nancy Travis is not fooling anybody. He's one of the worst actresses ever. Whatever line of shit, she fed to the person downstairs.

There had to be somebody. She just goes, oh, I'm dropping my baby off upstairs. And then the doorman went, well, that's not a real English accent. Who is this woman? It's not believable at all. It didn't look like you've been sweeping chimneys. But you know what? I just realized why everyone's allowed drug dealers are allowed up because they have a deal with the doorman.

Like, hey, man, no questions ask. Anybody goes up there. You don't, you didn't see nothing. You don't know nothing. You know what? Leave it to us to send them back down. Exactly. The doorman is just like reading the post and this lady with the babies comes like,

oh, Lord, not a baby. They're escalating. Just keep thinking about the Christmas bonus. Just keep thinking about the big new video game for Arthur Jr. Yeah, that big tip at the end of the year. I mean, it has to be. How else could you go up to the penthouse with a baby? How else can two truck dealers go in and out of this building like they fucking own it?

Oh, how much did it cost me to turn my head this time? Not a baby. Oh, Lord, not a baby. He just goes home every night and he does the Russian roulette thing. Just one. He just does it once. Yeah, sure. Spins it and shoots and that's it. Another day. They've got to move out sooner than later.

They're older guys now. So the heroin gets dropped off, like, at the same time. Well, the landlady brings it. So, like, the baby, and, you know, it's all fucking, look who's talking garbage, where we're all like, oh, my God, what do I do? And it's farting and, like, well, in the middle of this, Selleck breaks off to go grab diapers and baby supplies, and he leaves Gutenberg and we're left with Steve Gutenberg also to do his best move.

And, like, the landlady comes in, she's like, oh, here's this package. And he's so flustered with the baby. He's like, yeah, yeah, sure. It's a little purple box. It looks like jewelry box almost that they give him. Yeah. It's a brick. I mean, it could hold a brick.

Well, that's the thing. It's not, it's baggyed heroin, which I found very weird. Like, this is not how you transport drugs. You usually get it a solid something around. Get it in a thing, and then it's the slingers job to put that in the baggies. Yeah. I don't know why it's pre-bagged heroin. I wouldn't trust that.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, I... Not in the Skag trade, Chris? No, I haven't been... as it turns out no haven't pushed too much horse in my day I just pictured a little cartoon picture of you trying to push

like an actual horse I don't know why that's how I entertained myself so that's like the thing and it's I mean this was based on a French farce and this is this is the most it gets it's like oh the package is coming and they're like he said a package it was coming oh my God like yes

Ted dances instructions were a package is coming for me it's for my friend. Don't worry about it. Just leave it alone. It's a very delicate situation for two or three days. Someone will pick it up on Friday. So that's kind of the thing that's like, Mondeau a package. And they're like running around

one baby, you know, running. I've never been so happy to cut to Tom Selleck shopping at like a Walmart. What's insane about this? He's like, I'm going to go run around the corner to get baby supplies. He says the market, by the way, which I just find hilarious. But he runs into a grocery store

that does not exist on the island of Manhattan. This isn't key food. It's gigantic this grocery store. You know where this grocery store exists? Toronto for two reasons. One, that's where they filmed. And two, Dave Foley is a busboy. He's stuck in shells and he's like oh yeah, I think the baby formula's around the corner. Dave Foley in this movie

is blinking you miss it, but it's Dave Foley. Here we are in New York, a? Like there's no, there's this place is enormous this couldn't exist it's the biggest grocery store i've ever seen in my it's like a sams club or like cost co like one of these like big box retail stores and he's just going it's like the lady who's helping him select all this stuff you know she's like well what do you need for your baby and he's like well i need food well what kind of food i don't know and she's like you've never done this before first kid huh and you're like okay i can see that but then it's like how old's your baby and he's like uh right there call the police because if it's one

thing like new parents love doing it's like well he's just six months old he's seven months old he's seven and a half months old he's seven and three quarters months old two days and four hours yeah they they know that shit like the back of their hand you see a dude like um call the police call the if he can't sling that shit off to you in half a second call the police and so she's like he does the like he's measuring the size of a sandwich that he wants he's like oh the baby is this old

and just like puts his hands apart no no so crazy so he buys red alarms should be going off but so then it's like I'm just gonna buy all these fucking you know and he like starts putting all he's a millionaire it does yeah it doesn't when he comes home you clearly see it doesn't matter like the shit that's falling out of this bag it's like

$500 worth of baby supplies well the funny thing is it's actually to me one of the best lines in the movie is they do all this diaper shit and it's like oh Tom Selleck it's your turn he's like I'll give you a thousand dollars if you change that baby and he's got it like that baby yeah no that's not

a joke he's being completely serious so while that's happening the landlady leaves and we're left with Steve Gutenberg trying to like entertain this child big old quotes around that entertainment yeah because you're certainly not

entertaining me the audience it's just like he's singing to it he's telling a joke he's like let's watch TV and of course Dr. Ruth comes on because it's 1987 and she says penis so we have to turn it off you can't hear that I was like what are you stupid

that baby can't understand and it's just you can just picture like the audience at the time well it's three in italicized man I think the poster you know like you know you'll believe a man could fly

Fucking, 1979. This is like, it was like, oh, man. Oh, could you imagine three men and a baby? What are they going to do with this? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They don't know how to change a timer. Oh, my God.

You'll be able to believe three millionaires can raise one child. Yeah, by the way, here's the solution, you rich bastards. Hire somebody. Exactly. Just hire an agent's. see because it just goes on and on it's like oh no he's going to get sick oh it's hilarious how is it that nobody gets directly pissed on in this movie or vomited there's one part where it's like something something and they'll throw up on you i want like steve guttenberg

exorcist faced just like baby formula all over that mug well tom sell like definitely gets pissed on it it's like a straight like pissing on the table though i want a like i'm holding the baby in my arms or yeah like above my head and I got pissed in the face I want that to happen in this movie the poster is him getting pissed on actually is it yeah it's they're all holding the baby and they're looking cute and sell it's like look at my pants and it's like urine all over oh I've never looked at it that closely see why doesn't that happen in the movie if it's good enough for the poster see you just read it wrong he was actually pissing himself because he doesn't know how to pick him the baby yeah the urine was his

You're going to pick on that baby. They're just three men. Oh, my God. The person who designed, like, the font and, like, all the graphics at the beginning that says, like, three men. When he gets all that, it's the same person guaranteed that div the font for saved by the bell. Like, it's the shittiest, like, neon. And Roger Rabbit. Like, all the Roger Rabbit, it has that big bubble look to it.

Oh, yeah, you're totally right. It's kind of dancing a little bit. So, I mean, they go through three days of, like, how. hell of like you know and they of course they start to get better at it right and they're human being so they're just like oh i guess i should actually care for this little baby yeah exactly it's like oh maybe we shouldn't throw this down the incinerator shaft like was our first instinct like what nancy travis does essentially like i'm gonna save my rage for that woman for the end of this discussion oh but did we hit the fact that it is ted dancens it is it is ted

Danson's child, yes. One of his progeny all over New York State. Yeah, you're telling me that's the first time this is happening. Yeah. I feel like there's some prequel opportunities here that we're not hearing about. I guess Ted Danson would be the Wilts Chamberlain of this group. How with that piece

though? This is a question for you 1987. How did you get fooled by that dupe? Yeah. Oh man. What are we talking about with that thing? You know what it looks like? That treehouse of horror where Homer gets snakes' hair. that's what Ted Danson's hair has always looked like to me it looks the cartoon is more

realistic I've always referred to it as the bald eagle because it's just a symbol to me of Ted Danson it's not real it's not you know that is the greatest thing in cheers when they finally just call it out like yes it was a toupee the whole fucking time yeah everybody wasn't it for like a good there was like a good reason he did it too what was the reason Sam does it on the show someone's like doing something else that they're revealing a secret or something that they're embarrassed by I think it's maybe it's Carla

yeah it is Carla he shows and it's like boot and pulls it off and the and America was somehow shocked when that happened come on we didn't have HD back then you could barely see what was going on yeah I mean this was watching a pretty good looking cut of this

three men and a baby and it's just clear as day Blu-ray that toupee was not meant for the high definition generation so while ted dancing is off doing his turkey movie they have these three off making hostile

yeah probably so they have these three days and in the middle of it one of my favorite parts is Rebecca tell him David yes Sallick's girlfriend Sally's girlfriend comes over

he just is like Rebecca take care of this oh yeah it's like well you're a woman with a vagina and some breasts why don't you get on this and she's like what do you stupid. I have a date with this hilarious Croatian cellist over here. Please, come on now. This guy is a real belky Bartakamu's cartoon. It's outrageous. Like, she comes over like, what's the, what was the big emergency? I have a date with a symphonic cellist over here. Like,

what's going on? And he's like, uh, here's a baby. And she's like, she laughs in his face, basically, like, take care of this. Not my issue kind of a thing. Doorman's like, oh man. A man. A man. a woman in that big suitcase, Lord knows what's in that big suitcase. What is that cellist going to be playing up there? It looks like a cello case, but who knows what's inside it? It might as well be another baby.

One of those kits. I know they have kids. Is it really that important for me to make my mortgage this? Yes, it is. Yes, it is, Joe. It's been a hard couple of years, Joe. Just get through it.

Just keep thinking consent in adults. consent in adults they gotta know what they're doing right they gotta just turn around look at the nick game it's right on your little black and white TV they bought for you

boy that was nice of them you don't even have to buy the poster anymore you can buy the times so I mean that you know just basically he's like hey I'm a man how am I supposed to feed your baby and she's like no you're fucking stupid deal with it and it's also awesome because at the same time that's going on

we have to have a what is this supposed to be a date and she's like uh open relationship he's like yeah for me you've fucked most of this building but that's totally what's going on yeah it's the old the old uh cellic double standard well that that's the thing is like you would think at the end of this movie it's about him and her getting together he like steps steps it up and it's like look you know

forget all the women other women are only want you. Not really. No. I'm pretty sure this is the last No, she's not the last scene, but she's got maybe one or two more scenes. But they do She has no arc whatsoever. There's nothing. She just kind of pops in essentially tells the cast to go fuck

themselves and then leaves. Like every single time. I mean, this is kind of like three episodes of a sitcom just kind of mash together. Yeah, pretty much. Do you think it maybe started as like a, we'll try to turn this French movie into a TV show? We already got Ted Dantincent on board. I love TV.

So the guys show up. The drug dealers show up to get the package. And let me tell you something. If two guys who look like these two guys, one of whom is Wilson from Home Improvement, by the way. Yep. Is it really? Yes, the big tall guy.

That was Wilson the whole time? It was Wilson the whole time, dude. Earl, whatever his name was. The other guy's on CSI. He's like a million things. I think he plays like brass on CSI and other stuff. Yeah, he's a big, big TV character actor. Yeah.

But yeah, the other dude is totally Earl. or whatever from Home Improvement. Wilson. It's crazy. Especially because in Home Improvement, he was all mouth and no face. In this movie, he's all face and no mouth because the most he says is, he is just the biggest

like grunt doofus in this movie. So two guys that look like that, show up at your door, and these two idiots, give them the baby. No. No. Also, what kind of Mickey Mouse drug do? They're not taking the baby.

They're like, look, we want the fucking whore. A, I'm not doing this in your hallway. I'm coming inside. We're closing the door, and we're going to figure this shit out. Yeah, exactly. I think they're led to believe that the drugs are, like, in the bassinet. Yeah, with the powdered milk or something. Oh, yeah, because that's what Gutenberg says.

It's like, oh, we forgot the powdered milk. And they're like, powdered milk. Ah, now we get it. What an elaborate way to deal drugs. This is new to us. It's like... Oh, so we just have to kill this baby. Yeah, like, drug dealers just take the canister and get out of there.

What are you going to do? with this baby afterwards. Like, what is the end game? It makes no sense, but they're gleefully taking this baby. Well, this is out of the ordinary, but why not? Oh, man, imagine if there will be blood.

Baster in a basket. This baby just grows up around drug dealers. It's literally born into the business. A Pyrex thing blows up one day, can't hear anymore. Yeah, something

happens at their grow facility or something. My God. Joe, the dormant's like, well, at least it's just too drug. That's fine. Good. Thank God. It's an easy day. Two of age drug dealers. Whatever they do up there is fine.

They're bringing the baby out. Oh, God. No. At least the baby's still alive. It's with, it's going home with drug dealers, but it's still alive. So these idiots, because they've pulled up in front this building, like, clearly in a

no parking zone, you know, they pull up with this, like, sports car. Like, we can't be screaming, we're drug dealers any more than this. They try to put the baby in the trunk. And, like, you try that shit in New York, pal. See how far you go. Like, it's in broad daylight. Someone's going to, hey,

hey, you know. You will be stopped by, like, seven people immediately. Hey, what's going on here? But it takes a hilarious, obese horse police officer to ride up and be like, say, what's going on here you're not trying to put that baby in the trunk of that sports car are you

and they're like no and at this point sellick's out there trying to steal the baby back because they realize like oh my god the package is the drugs right because they find someone falls over yeah and the drugs fall out Gutenberg I think is like he

like brings it up that he's like oh but there was the other package that came right after Tom Selik finds it like smushed in the couch cushions is the deal Good job Gutenberg, by the way Top Mark's buddy. Yep. And he's like, oh no, package, and he

runs, that's what it is. Yeah. And they fall over. Someone trips on something and the baggies all fall out. And he's like, oh, this is even worse than I thought. Selik does it in the lobby of his fucking tower. And then Joe the doorman's like, oh, now the drugs are just falling out on my turn.

This is ridiculous. I'm going to lose my... I got to talk to these guys. This is out of control, Joe. Can you rip that stuff up tight tape around the corners. I thought we had a nice agreement here. I think I've been fairly lenient as to

what's been going on in the penthouse. All those times I taught them how to wrap their Christmas presents and they can't even do it this way. So many women went up there and so few left. So many women came up there. So many came down little

baggies in a box. So many garbage bags came down. So This cop's like, whose baby is this? What's going on here? Also, you double punk. Also, I'm on a horse. It's great because, like, let me see some ID.

And, like, you know, the guy grabs the powdered milk and they just jet out. He's like, all right, pal. Hey, Selik with the baby. Let me see some ID. And he's like, well, I got it upstairs. And he starts, I really thought this horse was coming upstairs. I thought he was bringing a horse into this building because the horse is on the side. And Tom Salick's like, don't arrest me.

He says, I'm a, I'm not a criminal. I'm an architect. And he's like, just come up to my sweet penhouse. I'll show you. And then the guy's like, yeah, okay, that sounds good. And he starts, he drags the horse out of frame, like up onto the sidewalk towards the building. And I was like, you could technically fit a horse in this elevator. Oh, Joe doesn't need this.

A fucking horse, really. Now that guy's dressed like a cop and this. a horse this is out of control you know you ever see that movie zoo a lot like that movie zoo oh man i gotta start looking in the wan ads this is ridiculous i'll have to check with the doorman's union see if they can't place me somewhere else i don't i'll do drug dealing i'll do bringing kids into it i'm not gonna do bestiality joe junior's just kind of have to look for a scholarship. That's just going to have to

be how it is because my soul can't take this much longer. So disappointingly, the horse doesn't come upstairs. But this cop comes upstairs. And, you know, it's just, he like looks at his ID. He's like, all right, you're an American citizen. See you later. I don't know if it was like

IDs in 1987 were just this shitty or like the prop department just was a little behind on the prop making by the time they shot this scene. Because when the cop Like, he gives him the idea, and the cop holds it up. It's a piece of paper with, like, what appears to be a license template on it. But you can, like, the sunlight is just shining through this thin piece of paper.

I was like, that's not an identification card. It's amazing. Laminate something. And then this detective, played by Philip Bosco, shows up. And it's just like, he's looking around. And this is stupid. Like, so you realize you got a bunch of fucking heroin, right? it's a really small

it's like a jewel case you could put that anywhere in that apartment no one's ever finding it this apartment's enormous yeah but Gutenberg's like losing his mind he puts it inside of a diaper and then throws it in the garbage and I'm like dude that's the worst place to hide it in the salarian

yes exactly Philip Bosco's not going to find it in the salarium go to the panic room and close the door all right there's at least one panic room what I love when Philip Bosco shows up to is he's like I'm detective so and so and he turns to the horse cop and he's like you can go now lesser police

officer yeah it's hilarious so yeah he's like snooping around this place like oh yeah you guys are friends with uh this so and so and they're like oh it's actually ted dancing's friend we've met him a couple times we think he's a commercial director or something like that and i kind of hate this because it's philip bosco clearly knows that they are in on it like the whole time yeah yeah they have something to do with that you this clearly yeah and he just has to act the whole time like oh okay so you're hiding the this thing you're hiding that whatever he makes a conscious decision to turn this into a long game and it doesn't need to be that not at all like this is why i'm here where is it because let me tell

you if someone's going to fold it's steve gutenberg oh yeah you put some lights on him swinging light bulb one swinging light bulb's all you need it's all you need because he's already got the jitters when this guy walks in because he's been jittered by the horse cop threaten the puppet yeah that's all you got to do threaten to rip up the puppet oh no not my longest standing lover oh no so yeah he just kind of like uselessly searches this apartment it's like okay well uh if you think of anything else like uh where the drugs definitely are in this apartment uh here's my phone number and he goes downstairs now he's got like he put some tails on um you know what i mean there's guys that are going to follow them all around the city

because of this i mean like using so much resources for what i don't know like how much heroin could be in this small box like what i don't know a couple of grand it yeah it doesn't really feel like that much heroin so unless it's like the best heroin of all time or they know like this heroin's coming from a bigger deal person that they're trying to like infiltrate or whatever it doesn't seem like we're justifying the resources used here maybe 50 grand's worth and like i get it's a lot of money especially at the time but like still in the grand scheme of the heroin trade seriously

50 grand ain't much Ted Danson shows back up right and they're all pissed at him and they're like his part got cut from the movie by the way it's a great detail failure I think he went to Turkey to recruit back from another one of his European Jones

well there is that hilarious phone call when Philip Bosco is there in Turkey and he's like I have to shove stuff places. Yeah, he's talking about like bringing home souvenirs or whatever and the detective hears all of this because like the answering machine

picked up but then Tom Selleck picked up the phone. That's the technology we're still dealing with here. So like the cop here's this whole conversation and yeah it's again because it's a farce it's a lot of like yeah I'm bringing back a lot of stuff with you guys I don't know where I'm going to stuff it through customs. They have the best stuff here. Yeah

and the detective's just like uh-huh just write all this down. I had them dead to rights before but now I definitely have them double dead to rides. Yeah. Turkey, eh? So, yeah, so Dancin comes home, his park got cut, and it's like, here's your baby and go fuck yourself.

Yep, which is fair. It's totally fair. It's totally fair. But there's a weird, like, like, that first night, he's like, oh, I have a baby, okay. And he's not like, eh, you know, he's like, ah, fuck, okay, all right, you guys, you're totally right. Like, I'll take this responsibility.

But I may have some questions, and they're like, good night, Ted Danson. And he's like, all right, simple question, like, where did you maybe put the diapers? Good night, Ted Dancin. And the two of them are, like, walking away with their backs to him. But seriously, this baby's turning blue. Like, I don't know what to do.

And good night, Ted Dancin. It can't stay underwater. It can't stay underwater, you're telling me. That would be great. There's a scene where Ted Danson's doing that contemplation from this season's homeland. The beginning of that, Claire Danes is just looking at that baby in the tub

like, hmm. Oh, I thought you were going to talk about A Beautiful Mind. Oh, there's also that For many drowned babies. Yes, so many drowned babies to choose from. Thankfully not. Well, it would be a dark turn for the Stooges

if that's the way this movie went. Yeah, I mean, like basically they're all falling in love with her, right? Like, yes. I mean, they give Ted Dan to it a little bit of shit, but then they're all like, this is when, it's so confusing because like there was this big heroin standoff.

In the middle of this, their landlady gets tied up by these heroin dealers. Oh, yeah. They come back and they trash the place. Savage the apartment. And they mess with his tapes. Yeah. Tom Selleck is a little too concerned that these tapes got messed with.

And that's when I was like, this goes beyond pornography. Yeah. We're talking some snuff films here. He's really upset that someone handled his tapes. That one time he closed on Shannon Tweed. Who knows what they took or? what they popped in while they were here. Yep. He's a little too

upset for these to be Alf re-runs. Yeah. Not Larry Bird's greatest moment. No, no, no, no. Oh, man. It's great. But, but, like, it's amazing because so much for this movie, it just goes away conveniently.

Like, this landlady got tied up by fucking drug dealers. Guess what? You lost your lease. Totally. What's going on here? I want the police called. I don't don't even know how they get out of it. No, they just cut. Like, they're doing some thing where it's like,

they're like, oh, but the baby's safe and they're all like talking about like something to do with the baby. And she's like, uh, fellas, I'm still hogtied on the floor. And they're like, oh, yeah, you're still here. Shrew. And she's kind of fine with it. She's so, she's so totally okay with it. She's like, who are those friends of yours?

You guys are quite the party animals. Oh, this is so exciting. Hey, when you get a chance at untie me, could you find my ring finger? They were playing hardball for a little while. They said they were going to put in your toaster. I hope it's not in there, but could you check? What an afternoon. It's so strange.

Wait till I tell my husband about this? Ah, yeah, but then after that happens, it just goes away. And we've got this, we're being three days. We're singing old do-up songs, you know, we're in the park. Well, this is after, and this is actually my problem, one of my bigger problems with this heroin plot is that they do, they, you know, they, they call her back and like, they're like, you got to get, like, Ted Danson is a perfect dad, actually, by the way. Within the first night he gets it, whereas it took these idiots three days. Ted Denson is a natural, I think it's because he calls his mother over, played by Celeste. home and he's like so

you want to take this baby off my hands and she's like I would love to but of course not because you need to be responsible for this child you're 42 years old and this is the best thing that could have happened to you yeah exactly and he's like well all right then and then Celeste Holmes like well all right movie

thanks for having me because she's just gone one scene done with goodbye shitty son goodbye Leonard Newark goodbye Celeste live long and prosper thank you for doing you welcome to my movie the cosmic dance continues

I was going to say because the heroin deal does go on they come back almost immediately because the daddy montage happens later which we'll talk about in a minute but they do

like the the trio finds out that they're being tailed by Bosco because of course he knew it was all a bunch of bunk but so they have this plan they decide they're so annoyed by the heroin

trade dude this is really bugging me fellas I don't know about the other two and so they're like we're going to

fine we're going to bring down the heroin trade I guess so so they like lure them into a trap basically

they call them they call on a pay phone they're like look we're going to meet me at Tom Selleck's construction site, which we've been to a couple of times in the movie, and we'll give it to you there. Now,

first of all, a couple things. Why are you playing a hardball with these heroin dealers? I have no idea. Like, the ball's on you. Just, you give them what they want, and that's the end of it, dude. Like, that's, that the other thing is they also, when they trash the apartment at Hogtie their landlord, they left a message with the landlord,

next time we take the baby. Like, you know what I mean? And she's just like, what an afternoon? You know? But they bring the baby on like if you guys want to play fucking russian roulette with your own lives fine why on earth you don't leave this baby with anyone in the world anyone else david tell them call somebody now here's my question aside from bringing and i it's possible that i just straight up missed it yeah sure you know details fly by you know i'm trying to take notes

along with the movie so they bring the baby on the drug deal that's crazy right that's really crazy Why is Ted Danson dressed up like a woman? Because he needs to go out. He goes out first to sort of like, basically they're all being followed. So that's how he's throwing the tail is to dress up like a woman? Is that what's going on? Oh my God. That's so dumb.

Is that Frankenstein's bride? No, that's just a lady, I guess. Frankenstein and drag. Which I think was just Frankenhucker from the Seminole 19th. 80s film, Frankenhooker. But yeah, he just, yeah, he, he, he has the baby in tow. He looks like a pregnant woman. So it's like, I guess it looks like a pregnant woman. No, it looks like Ted Danson pretending he's pregnant. Even at night. No, it does not. It's disgusting. He sees, he's like Joe the doormand. He said, oh, I am taking a fucking lunch break. Just go. I don't,

I don't want to know. Oh, that's ridiculous. At least he's leaving. At least. All right. So, that's why he's dressed up like a woman. I completely missed it. And I looked up and I was like, drag? All right. So yeah, he gets in one car and like basically Tom Selleck and Steve Gutenberg hail a cab. The cops tailed a cab. And then like on the middle of parkway, they switch cars. And like, yes. In the middle of Lincoln Center is right in front of Lincoln Center. Yeah, they just switch which whatever. I guess you're doing that. I guess you're successfully pulling that off. Also, by the way, once you. Once you. You. Once you lose a tale with the police, guess who's going to jail tonight? You know what I mean? Like that's, guess who's making an appearance at the police station? Maybe we're not getting charged. Yep. But it's time to go and sit down.

Also, it's the NARC squad. Yeah. And you're part of a huge heroin deal. You honestly think it's three cops. In 1980s, New York City. Give me a break. Yep. They're not playing around.

No. The city was plagued. Yes. Come on. Where is John Hawks at American. gangster blowing people's fucking heads off one of them

and I know it's like supposed to be a light comedy but seriously one of them needs to get shot in the butt like that's you know what I mean

like these kinds of movies where we're trying to be like serious whatever but it's also comedy someone always gets shot in the butt well those the ladies like

oh the baby with it why is there a heroin deal what I sure hope someone gets shot the butt look at all those My bag, it's just so cute.

They're so tiny. A little drug bags. Looks like little bags of white sand. This is the cutest movie ever. No, it's not. No, it really isn't. This is my favorite part, the Skag deal gone wrong. Leave it in.

I kept meaning to see if the drug part was part of the French movie, but I never bothered to look. I don't know. Probably. It just seems like an American thing to just slam this thing together and just have, get something, something heroin. I mean, the ins and outs of how they goose these heroin dealers is kind of frustratingly impossible to describe. But basically, they wind up getting them in an elevator with all the drugs. And again, just give these, I don't know, I'm not, they get them in an elevator, and then they cut the power to the elevator so they're stuck. Ted Danson is playing

like the Wizard of Oz with this control panel. Like, maybe this one's going to cut the power. Maybe that one's going to cut the power. By the way, it's a 1980s construction site. Was I the only one thinking about number one with a bullet and they were going to dangle these guys? Like, I was just imagining

like Wilson from home improvement being dangled and falling to his death. Oh man, one death would be great. You need to kill at least one of them, honestly. And I think I think Danton also calls the cops too Is it come to the construction site You'll get your men

And it's like no fucking way Well I thank you Junior G man So like Philip Bosco shows up All these cops show up And they basically the three of them And the baby Which they brought to this fucking heroin deal They walk up to the cop

And they're like The guys you want are stuck up in that elevator And this cop instead of being like Everybody stay here Why are you dressed as a woman? Why is that baby here? I have a whole lot of questions. Why didn't you tell me all of this when I was there before?

It's like, thanks for the tip, good citizen, on your way. And by the way, can I hold a baby? Oh, this police detective loves babies. Here's a weird thing for an old man to say, oh, I just love little babies. Oh, I just love looking at little babies and holding little babies. Oh, I love little babies. Weird thing for an old man to do.

Also, yeah, like, child protection. Selective services at least. You're a police officer dial that number. Yes. Just everyone's going to the station, at least until we figure it out. I know you're probably telling me the truth, but how do I know that you didn't make a million dollars off this deal? Like, if they leave the scene like they do, Philip Bosco has got a huge hole in his paperwork. Yeah, exactly.

Like, I'm sorry, there was a baby involved in some sort of cross-dressing heroin deal. You don't think SVU is the first number this guy's calling. And honestly, though, like... You want to fuck over heroin dealers and send them up the river? Good luck, because guess what? There's always a bigger fish. Yeah. They always have friends.

They're cutting your throat tonight. Seriously, guess what happens when you cut the head off of this hydra man? Yeah. It's growing back threefold. And Joe doesn't care who comes into Wayne Manor, so it doesn't really matter what you do. They really do. Maybe that's what it is. When they get home that night, they're like, all right, man, listen, that whole policy that we talked about, it's off the table.

You need to be carding everybody. We need to get a phone. call authorizing if we don't pick up the phone you don't open that elevator because things got real I'm going to buy a metal detector for the building and we're just going to

have that out here yeah we'll tell the tenants we're going to get you an x-ray machine everybody's bags are going through I'm glad you said Wayne Manor because I want to pitch something Tom Seleck in Dark Night Returns boom done as an older Bruce Wayne oh yeah

Yeah, I'd buy it. Yeah. Because he's still pretty built. And you could keep that mustache. Yeah, you can. Because it's like, it's older Bruce Wayne. He's kind of giving up on living. You're growing a mustache when you give up on living.

Sure, obviously. Just put that in your back pocket, Hollywood. You're welcome. So then like, you're like, okay, well, the drug deal's foiled. The movie's got to be over with, right? Nope. For some reason, we've got this extra 15 minutes to tack on. We're just killing time.

There's a montage with a creepy ass Peter Sateras. song she's the sexiest baby or whatever those lyrics are she's a lover she wants to be daddy's girl daddy's little girl and they're in central park with the baby with all the women and all the ovaries glowing around them dude the ovaries are exploding like a chinese fireworks factory like it's insane no way are all these women running up to them like this it's It's nuts. And do you think Peter Satera turned to sand on January 1st, 1990? Like, he just made some sort of deal that he, you know, you'll have the best career in the 80s.

But January 1st, 1990, you will turn to same. Like, he sees the clock, like, turn and hit midnight. And then a flute came out of nowhere. And he was like, that sounds beautiful. And then it was like, wishmaster. Wishmastered himself. He totally got wishmastered. I want the best career in the 80s.

Oh, you'll get it. Get it, but you will not enjoy the 90s at all! Oh, no, stupid double-crossing gin. Oh, pile of sand. By the way, Wishmasters to stay tuned with a fucking exclamation point next to it. It's going to be in our month dedicated to the worst 90s CGI of all time. That month we're programming right now, yeah. And that other month of snake people.

Yeah. So, okay, they have a great time in the park. They are just the best father. around. Nancy Travis shows. There's just a knock at the door. And it's like, I'm taking the baby. I'm taking the baby back. I'm taking the baby back. I'm sorry I am. The worst accent. Nimoy, this is your call. This is on you, Nimoy. Actually, this movie's pretty fairly well directed. I think he's a pretty good director, a competent director. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's a style to it. But, you know, it's competent. Well, it's my personal decision that this woman gets no comeuppance whatsoever. That's

is the way I saw it happening. That's the way it happened to me. So she basically strolls in. And why is she from England? Because I once met an English person. There's no reason for her to be from England. No, there's not at all. And she's wretched at it.

And I think the idea is like there's a whole thing of like, I'm going to England tonight. See you like us. Like that could be California. That could be, you know, Ohio anywhere. Or she's just Nancy Travis doing her Nancy Travis voice and she's moving to England for a business thing. Yeah, that's fine too. I got a job in England. Well, she's also a struggling actress.

That's her like bag. Right. They're both at Seleks. Dance is an actor. She's an actress. That's how they met. And like, she's like, oh, it's been so hard raising this baby without any money. I'm like, you know what, dude?

Then guess what? You're not a struggling actress anymore. You're a mother. like life got in the way it happens every day and no one in this movie is like so what was your problem yep what were you thinking

how dare you nothing it's just like well she's here and then like they're all like ma the baby's leaving and then they actually get pissed off at Ted Dansen Gutenberg and Salick are like you know we really wish that he would just stand up to her and try to take that baby bag

doesn't smell like shit in here anymore What do you think that is? Well, why is that, guys? Because you have no legal right to this child. Shut the fuck up. It's none of your business. It's so ridiculous. But, like, Ted Danson's like,

you were babysitters for two days by yourself, and you think that you own this child from here on out? Dude, that's how fast their hearts melted, dude. This little baby is pretty charming. No, so then she's like, well, I'm going now. All the planes leaving at the strike of 12. You're just like, oh my God, I hope you do. just leave because then you're out of the movie with that

accent. And then the baby turns into a pumpkin! And they're just like, you know, they're all sitting around in their mansion and they're sulking and they're like, I miss her crying, I miss her yelling, I miss the shit in. Just like you don't think. And then of course

we're rushing to the fucking airport. Running to the 1980s. Well, there has to be a running to the airport gag or else it's not a comedy. Yeah, we're trying to beat this plane. Humans like I as a Vulcan directing this movie had to consult a human emotions expert

so we're just run into this airport and there's no traffic in New York City whatsoever it's a nice glide it's a real miracle and they get there and there's like a little there's the tiniest bit of like we had trouble with a metal detector I was like in 2014 this part takes 75 minutes because they're all trying to go to the metal detector at once and the guy's like, hey, hey, hey, one at a time.

I'm doing my job here, folks. Come on, Stooges, one at a time through this metal detector. I'm surprised none of them was like, oh, my cock ring. Because we're such sexy dick swagging dudes in this movie. You're telling me not one of them

has a Prince Albert. Unbelievable. Especially dancing. He's a 1980s in New York guy. He took it out in the car. It's a pincushid down there, man. My voodoo doll. So they're like, oh, we missed her.

Well, movie's over. Go back to the house. Go back to the mural. But when you say go back, we feel the time elapsing every step of this way. Every dragged out minute that's left of this movie. And Nancy Travis is there. She's like, I just couldn't do it.

You were all so cute with my baby. And she's just in tears on the floor. And then you're like, okay, here it comes. It's the big, where do you get off moment? Here it comes. I was like getting psyched up. Like, yeah, they're going to take it to the house. Here it comes.

And Selik, like, takes a big deep breath. And I was like, here it comes. And he's like, you know, why don't you move in with us? What are you talking about? First of all, like, this apartment is over. Everyone go home. Like everyone, maybe Ted Danson, he's just, he's just a baby's father. Therefore, she has an apartment.

Maybe you guys help her out with money. That'd be great for you guys. You have no claim to this fucking baby at all. It's so insane. And they're just like, yeah, you know, we understand. It's the busy boom, boom, boom, Reagan 80s, man. We're just trying to all make money and be super successful. It's tough to raise a baby.

But four is better than two or one. Steve Gutiberg says when she's like, oh, it's so hard, you know, being an actress and being old. When she's saying this, Steve Koonberg and further, baby says, yeah, yeah, that's a bitch. Way to go, Steve. Just reminding everyone, just taking it down a notch there, Steve, thank you. And he's like, oh, yeah, all three of us could barely keep up with it. I can't imagine one woman, one struggling woman. I mean, we're millionaires who barely could do it.

And then as quickly as this movie started, it seems like two seconds. ago, we were opening with that fucking montage. It's just like, why don't you move in with us? Group hug credits. Yep. That's the end of that movie. Well, there's an end montage where Steve Gutenberg painted her and the baby into the mural.

It's like the end of Ghostbusters too. It is. And they're all like, they all grab, like they have this big like fucking pram that they're all, that all four of them can hold at the same time. It's like a pole vaulters. Pole is across this carrot. I don't, if I saw four people,

wheeling a baby down the street i'm calling the cops you know what i don't know what's going on here but they're making it my business oh great now this woman's living with them too that's does i i got all right the next time she's alone i'm gonna ask if she's okay that that this is me taking a stand they always send her out to go grocery shopping alone that's when i'll do it like my well you know that accent can't be real so you know what she's probably just a comment woman yeah maybe i talk to them first i don't want my best friends getting con are they your best friends joe i guess so boy i have to get a life outside a door man and that's the end of the movie yeah that's the end of the movie you're welcome yeah the new sequel set up you're not gonna

believe this oh god well this the sequel is ridiculous because for some reason tom sellick wants to marry Nancy Travis. Sure. Why not? Where did they fall in love? Well, that's a story for another day. Would anybody recommend three men and a baby? I wouldn't. I mean, it's, I actually like all three. I mean, I, and I'm a Gutenberg guy, you know, he's fun to watch. He's sure. Dopey and fun and he's doing this Gutenberg thing. It just, the movie, it just is a mess. It's a real mess. Like there's, there's an easy way to make this movie and they didn't do it. Yeah, totally. No, it's absolutely not a recommend. It is a mess. And, we didn't mention this. This was the number

one movie for 1987. The whole darn year. Same year lethal weapon comes out. This thing beats that and fatal attraction. It's nuts to me. It's one of the most rented VHS tapes of all time. It's insane. How everybody was wearing out those tapes.

Blockbuster couldn't replace them fast enough. But yeah, it's a real mess. It's not particularly even a fun mess. No. It's a way around not recommend this movie is really weird it's really oddly it's not dated i did make this remark before we went on the air that at no point in this movie shockingly somehow there's no like them being mistaken for like gay dads there's no like no we're not gay there's like none of that i feel like that's a lot of nemoi like it's directed by a human being yes so there's a lot of that

that's excise i bet it i bet the first draft of the script and then it was like, no, we didn't do that on Star Trek. We're not doing it here either. It's probably in the party scene. Like most things, it was in the party scene. You humans are far too hung up on homosexuality. I am excising the fear from this film. Here comes my scalpels.

Also, we didn't talk about it, but the weird, like, Ted Danson cardboard cutout. Oh, the ghost baby, yeah. Ghost baby cardboard cut out. It's just weird that he has that. his room. Yeah. And I feel he might be pleasuring himself to his own visage. Oh, it's looking at him sleeping. Yeah. That's the angle it's at.

Really gross. Really not recommended this movie. That's what I'm going with. That's three men and a baby from 1987 directed by Leonard Nimoy from Star Trek shows. That's how he would love to be credited.

You're right. If you want more information about the show, check out our website, WHM Podcast. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcasts, right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it.

Normally we do a clue for next week, but we already told you it's jingle all the way too. So do not forget to check in next week. So, Steve, this comes out the second and you've got a little guest appearance on something dropping tomorrow? Yes, I do. The Projection Booth podcast was nice enough to have me on. We talked about a movie we've talked about here. hamburger the motion picture double dipping man

that movie's just something just getting your Magneto Jones on yeah it was a lot of fun that these guys are hilarious it was a really cool experience definitely check out the projection boots it's an awesome show that they have an interview with the director

of that film which goodness gracious what is the budget for detective work on that podcast because where did you dig that guy up that's pretty impressive yeah it's awesome the projection booths check it out

drops tomorrow yeah you can get it in iTunes That's where I get. Yeah, you subscribe on iTunes, the projection, dude. There you go. So until next week, where we're definitely talking about Larry the cable guy and jingle all the way, too. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Say that.

Chris Kavana. Eric Siska. Take it easy. Go-do. Good night, sweetheart. Well, it's time to go. Do-do-do. Good night, sweetheart.

Well, it's not. time to go I hate to leave you but I really must say good night sweetheart good night well it's

three o'clock in the morning baby I just can't treat you right well I hate to leave you baby I don't mean maybe because I

love you so. Oh, dody, oh, dody, oh, dody, oh, dody, oh, good night, sweetheart, well, it's time to go. Do, do, do, do. Good night, sweetheart, well, it's time to go. Do, do, do, do. I hate to leave you, but I really must say. Good night, sweetheart, good night.