We Hate Movies - S5 Ep182: Jingle All the Way 2

Episode Date: December 9, 2014

In this episode, the gang celebrates their fourth anniversary on the air by breaking the Ten Year Rule to discuss the ridiculous fake-sequel, Jingle All the Way 2! What kind of Christmas film would Steve star in? How does Larry build that Christmas tree from car parts? And why does Werner Herzog love calling in to The Morning Zoo? PLUS: So many Stone Cold Stunners. Jingle All the Way 2 stars Larry the Cable Guy, Kennedi Clements, Brian Stepanek, Kirsten Robek and Anthony "Santino Marella" Carelli; directed by Alex Zamm. And a huge thanks for four great years of listening to us talk about bad movies! Here's to four more! Hey kewl! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. And we hate Larry. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Welcome to the fourth anniversary episode of We Hate Movies. Can you guys believe that that shit's going on?

Hey, what? That's right. And the first half of this episode is going to be a clip show. Yeah. Yeah, we really patted this one out. All of our hijinks through the years, you know? Oh, but Eric, you've never been to the mall. Wait, or have I?

Let's throw to the clip. At one point, there's going to be a montage using Green Day's time of your life. No, that's not going to happen. We're here today to talk about jingle all the way to from 2014. It's directed by some guy. I didn't write it down. That's how much disrespect I have for this movie. Yeah, he's somebody.

I'll look it up at some point. But here we are. His name might be Alex. It's Alex. Alex something. We'll get to it. But here's one thing to get us start now. Four people in my apartment.

I've got to move so I can see everybody. There we go. Especially with this crowd. You might want to get on an escalate. later to see these screens. Hey, you might want to switch your eyeballs to panoramic. Your living room is not in widescreen. Wow, what was I even saying?

You get right into those Larry impressions, man. You come out of those up-tempo numbers. Oh, that's what I was going to say. You got to talk about a fucking dog name. It's just a dog. Where are those pictures I was supposed to see? Oh, that's what I was going to say, is never did I think I'd be watching a movie and just sitting there going, where's Sinbad?

Where's Sinbad? Where's anybody? I mean, you... Yes, where is anybody? Anybody other than Larry the cable guy? I agree with you, yes. Yeah, where's anybody? I mean, you do long for the capable hands of Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzenegger to guide you through this comedy.

What do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger thought when he heard that this was happening? He doesn't know. No, he doesn't know. He doesn't know that this exists. Oh. Steve, are you still trying to look up this director's name? Because you don't know how to use a cell phone. Come on.

Alex Zam. There we go. You created this Alex Zam. Alecazam. No. No, no, no, no. But, yeah, I mean, he's, I think he's really thrilled to be above a project at this point. Above a project?

Yeah, Schwarzenegger. Oh, did anyone see that, like, trespass or whatever? Sabot. That was a terrible film. Sabotage is terrible, but it's, like, funny, terrible. Yeah. Yeah. That Miriel Inos is in that movie. She'll never have a career. I feel like it's just the killing and nothing else. She was okay as Brad Pitt's wife in World War Z. Yeah, that's about it. I don't know. I bet she'll pop up in something and you'll be like, yeah, okay. Are we talking about, is it that movie with the bridge? They're going to cross the bridge into Mexico. No, no, no, no. That's the last stand. That's last year. This was this year and it's him and it's... Oh, where his unit gets burned or whatever. The guy from The Lost is in it. Terrence Howard's in it.

What? Oh, man, I just totally skipped that one, huh? It's David Eyre. It's something. My unit was burned. Oh, it's Mr. Suicide Squad himself? Yes, Mr. Erection is what I call. You have too much Viagra there, Arnold?

Man, Larry the cable guy's stand up is like 30% fart jokes and 70% talking about Viagra. Talking about Viagra probably in like 2012. Yeah. A lot of retard. jokes. Love messing with the retards. It's unbelievable. You know, we're not making fun of Larry to that degree.

We're saying the R word there because that's what he says in his stand-up routine. Oh, no, and I don't know what's worse. He's going to put that out there. That's not an embellishment. Here's the thing. Here's what I'm curious about. What do you think is worse? Larry the cable guys stand-up or the

waves of thunderous applause and hyena cackling that accompanies every joke that he tells? The audiences in these amphitheaters. Because if every joke bombed, that would be a fascinating special to watch. Y'all sure are quiet out there. It ain't cool. It really ain't cool, man.

Give me something. I'm dying of here. I can keep putting buttons on this. I can tell you what? Or I can say, that's all right over there. Randy, stop making the special. Cut it off. Turn off the camera.

Why don't you turn it off the camera? The lights are in my eyes. The lights are. in my eyes. That, and then that is released, the entire thing of him pleading, and it's somehow on DVD. And he's just going crazy. Like, that's the end of it. He goes crazy.

And he just called Larry the Cable Guy, the final act. And it's a, it's a hologram cover on the DVD of a curtain closing. Why does hair cable guy run amok? Excellent Rainer Verner Fastbender reference while talking about Larry the Cable Guy. Larry the Cable Guy closing nights. oh man anything to talk about jingle all the way too huh yeah just I mean what the fuck's the point

and why even make it a sequel you just call it Larry's fart and sleigh ride adventure no one is going to be like oh my god we're adding onto the jingle all the way franchise because all you do is work up expectations that are not paid off cool Christmas was right

there yeah k ew l Christmas have cool Christmas like any Anything. Any play off of that. Real quick around the horn, what in the food chain of movies, what's higher? Therefore, what is better?

Being in an ABC family or a TV Christmas movie or a direct DVD Christmas movie. What's stronger? I don't know. I feel like more people watch the TV ones. More people I think are watching the TV ones. And you got both markets there.

People are going to watch you on TV when you have the movie and then they're going to buy the DVD of the TV movie. Yeah, oh, I remember that one from last Christmas. Let's pick it up at Walmart. Oh, it's $3. Why not? They're always three. I think the sale starts at $3. It's like, oh, grandma doesn't give a shit what you get. And then that's what you give it to your grandmother. Oh, my God, that poor grandmother, if you give, if a grandmother got jingle all the way too, maybe she shouldn't have been so shitty to her grandchildren her whole life. Well, or she wouldn't be getting jingle all the way too. Or it's in one of those four packs where it's like,

shitty movie, shitty Lindsay Lohan movie. shitty Carson Daley movie and then like Bernie by Richard Link later Well it would be right Because they always have Because it's always got to be the four pack And they always mess it up

So they never have enough movies To complete the four pack So it would be Jingle all the way one and two And then two other shitty Christmas movies Throwing in here One Magic Christmas is probably in there Oh maybe like a dog adventure

Oh definitely a dog Christmas movie Cousin Eddie's fucking island whatever the hell. One of the Christian-ish things that Rob Lowe did in like the early 2000s. Geez, aren't we happy he's back to, you know, being good again? That was a low time for Roblo. That was a long and low road.

Hey, grandma, I spent a Christmas with you because nobody likes you. I guess everyone else left after dinner, but you're just, you want to laugh for the rest of the night. See, what I love about that is he's painting the woman as being the loser and he's, but it's like no one's with him either.

Well, Santino, the wrestler, is with him, right? Or San, Santino sounds like a magician. I don't know, whatever this dude's name is. The great Santini, no. Oh, Santini was the, was the magician or a fictitious magician. I think Santino is the wrestler's, or the dude's wrestler character name. Either way, they both produce magic. Well, this is, yeah, this guy, he's just Larry's buddy. Here's the thing with Larry the Cable Guy movies. I never understand two things in every single one of them. How it is he has any best buds whatsoever, and he's always got a best bud or two. And how does he always have a sexually attractive ex-wife? What was he doing five years ago that was so different than now that made

him attractive to this woman? I want to say it's probably like a Kurt Russell Goldie Hawn overboard situation, right? Where like this woman fell off a tractor or something. A manned one. Yeah, and he's like, oh, you're my wife. She don't know nothing. She don't know any better. Yeah, and then five years go by, right? And then she remembers, and she's like, oh, Larry, we have to get divorced. You tricked me. See, what I always assume is that, like, you know, 10 years ago, he looked like a cast member from True Blood. And then all of a sudden, like, his sister or brother died, and the depression hit him.

And that's what all the... Dude, that physique is a little more than 10 years in the making. That's something that's... If you really worked at it, I mean, if it's all cheese doodles and twinkies... This is also one of the saddest movies I've ever seen in my life. It's really sad. It's appallingly sad because it's about this guy who, you know, you know, broken home, he's a good dad.

Surprisingly, he's a good dad. He is a good dad. I thought he was going to be a piece of shit dad. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger is a piece of shit dad. Big time piece of shit dad in the first jingle all the way. Larry the cable guy, not so much. Actually, shut up outside with the honking. Trying to talk about Larry the cable guy.

No, he's like very compassionate, like, clearly. is involved in his daughter's life. But he's also stupid. You know, and you can't get around that because he's... Can't fix stupid. It broke forever. Because, you know, yeah, he cares about his daughter, but he also makes irresponsible decisions on her behalf.

Like Twinkies for breakfast? Yes. He's like eating Cheetos while they're ice fishing. And she's like, I don't want a Cheeto for breakfast. And he's like, oh, Cheetos out for breakfast? Twinkies are for breakfast. I was like, this little girl's going to be dead before high school.

She's disappointed that she was given a, this little piece of garbage for breakfast and he's like, what's a matter? That's a Twinkie. What's a matter? That's a Twinkie. You don't insult Twinkies

in the presence of Larry the Cable guy. It's not Pop-Tart. Don't eat it up. I mean, it's he morphed into a goblin. That's how I see him. Every time. It's just like this fat goblin

who's yelling at people. Larry the Cable guy in Fat Goblin. It's his new Halloween special. I love it. We do have to take a second to at least acknowledge that no one's seen this movie ever because it came out four days ago. Yeah. So the movie is about Larry, Larry the cable guy, plays Larry, who is a divorced dad, whose daughter is, has a new stepfather who's the richest guy in town. And he's trying to outdo this guy by getting her a stuffed teddy bear, which is the jingle all the way hook.

Right. Man, hook, I guess. but yeah the difference being though in the first movie you have the great rivalry of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad it's one of the greatest Christmas rivalries on the record and you also got Phil Hartman is the wild card in there exactly

like you've got things going for you while watching you got Jim Belushi in a cameo I was expecting I was waiting for like yeah you just something you blow your money on Larry which is fine I mean you've got a really paltry budget This is WWE Films, by the way. I don't know if we've mentioned that yet. Yeah, it's their first foray into Christmas movies, I think.

You know what? I should never have to watch. Their dumb logo come up while Christmas music's jingle, jangling on my screen. Very uncomfortable. Stick to horror movies, please. Oh, you mean the opening song by the Ryan Seltzer Orchestra? Because it's a really bad swing cover. We just love, like, rockabilly Christmas music.

God, I hate that shit. Run, Run, Rudolph. all that garbage. It's a Christmas time baby. Like, skittily bop deep. Christmas is here. Here's the thing about those types of songs. It's Christmas time baby, you know?

It's like, sure, it's Christmas, but you still might get laid, you know? Well, that's, there is that subgenre of we might be fucking on Christmas. Oh, yeah. But so this is like, you got to stay cool, man, because you might be getting it wet over the holidays. That's going to be my ABC family Christmas movie. It's called. It's getting it wet over the holidays. the whole day. Stephen Sadek and condoms on Christmas.

So it's a Christian film? Well, it's a bit of both. It's like, you know, I guess it wouldn't be, it would be the anti-Christian film. Unless they're burning a box of condoms. That's the opening shot. It's the movie Trojan horse set over Christmas. I mean, that's really all it is. Trojan Wars. Trojan Wars. I apologize. Oh, that's a movie. Yeah. It's with a Will Friedel from Boy Meets World and Jennifer Love Hewitt. And the whole thing is like, he spends the whole night trying to find a condom and things keep getting in his way. I think at one point he's kidnapped in that movie. But see

it's Christmas so shouldn't it be like condoms off Christmas? Oh yeah. Steve's say like in a condoms off Christmas? Wait so what are you doing in this movie? We don't want to discuss that. I'm trying to find a condom on Christmas and all

the stores are closed. Oh I see. You know because everyone's with their families and I'm a sexual degenerate. That would be the movie. somehow you make your way to a soup kitchen I swore this would be the last place I checked

buy a condo of a homeless person and its sequel Bearback on New Year's I just love that you're doing this on Jesus's birthday so what else we got he's living in a trailer so he's always living in a trailer

the point I was trying to get by talking about the greatest Christmas rivalry of all time is you missed that in this movie because the stepdad, the whole thing is the stepdad engineers this plan where he has one of his minions buy all of these teddy bears from all the toy stores. So at no point until the third act, does Larry ever know what's going on? So there's no like, we're fighting in toy stores.

There's all sorts of hijinks like in the first movie. There's one Black Friday-esque kind of thing. I think he gets stepped on a little bit. Like the first story goes to like everyone's in a line and everyone charges, but then it's like, oh, wait, that guy just bought all those toys. So that's it. that's the end of it. There's no one fighting. Man, the laundry list that we've been making of our hopes and our dreams. I'm not crying. I was burping. There's a difference there. I was crying. What we wanted to be in this movie, I think like two of them happened. He almost shits his pants. Like, that's one. But that happens four times, to be fair. All right. So that's an X4. All right. Well, because we didn't really take into account how little money they were going to spend on. on this. That's true. That's true. That was

kind of the, that was the, you know, the pink elephant in the room. Do you think that the budget for this movie got slashed because Vince McMahon's wife kept wasting all those millions of dollars on those failed political efforts? I hope so. That is the best joke of the new millennium is

that woman's political career and just like dumping all that dirty money on nothing. Oh yeah, that dirty, sweaty, rassling money for nothing and nobody for 14% of the vote or whatever it was. No, that probably didn't happen. But that's

the thing though. Like, come on. Pump some money into this thing. You're a billionaire, Vince McMahon. At least the first movie was, it was way more fun than this. There was more stuff going around. It had the money in play. It made sense. Like, okay, in the first one, it's like a superhero

type character. Right. There's a huge huge industry built around this character. Right. In this, it's a fucking teddy bear that talks. And it's not even built up the same. You don't get, like, all the, like, the TV representation. You don't get the, you don't get the notion that this is a nationwide phenomenon. Right. Where is the franchise for this air?

Right. Where's the cartoon show? Where's the movie coming out? Money. All these things we can't afford to do. But it's also that fucking small town thing because he doesn't go to, like, a KB Toys or Toys R Us. It's all, like, Frank's Toy Outlet or some shit like that.

He keeps going to one toy store that just has, like, the Toy Story font, totally ripped off on their sign. Toy Traders. That's the main one. That's a weird. I don't want to go to a place where it's toy traders. Wait, wait. That means I could swap toys for new toys, right? Yeah. It's like a barter system? Where that country?

Curious he ain't allowed here. I'll give you a couple pouts for that Harrison Bear. Harrison the bear. Oh, man. So the first scene is him going ice fishing with his daughter. He drops her off at her mansion. Because her stepfather is the owner of the Baxter Box Corporation, which we're told makes you a billionaire because, you know, all that online retail, guess what? Amazon has its own box company.

Yeah, Amazon makes its own boxes. I know that for a fact. What are you talking about box company? He's a box magnate. I wrote down box magnate, question mark, frowny emoticom. Come on a box millionaire. He's a Van Houghton. It's a cracker factory. That's all it is. This dude's a big player down at the Cracker Factory. If you make six digits, I'm having a heart attack. This guy is a gazillionaire. He's got the biggest house in the world. He's making fake snow.

He's by $10,000 on a Christmas tree. How can you even do that? Like, who do you have to contact to get a $10,000 Christmas tree? Maybe he called Rockefeller Center and was like, you're the only person I know that does this. How do you do it? Where do you get this tree from? feel like that's where like the DEA needs to step and be like, what's in this tree? What do you hide it in this tree?

Or you work at a box factory. How are you affording a $10,000 Christmas tree? Also, why you're pointing out the idea of online retail and then you're going to make the movie about not ever, you know, like having to run around on foot like you did in Jingle all the way. Yeah, this movie ignores the internet until the last 10 minutes of the movie. And then it's just like a one off line or something. And they all have smartphones. Every one of them is using a smartphone. You got to set this movie in 1993. It's got to be a prequel to jingle all the way. We actually

said, is this going to be a period piece? Yeah. But it's, it's not. 2014. At the very least, they have to be T-Mobile flip phones. Yeah. It can't be a fucking interface. He can't be touching shit. Well, Larry's got to have a burner at the very least. Because this guy's, he doesn't have a home. He's got a trailer. He has

got no credit whatsoever. And also, he doesn't want that meth coming back to him. Yeah. Yeah. How is it he doesn't encounter some sort of like forest meth head, right? Like that's, oh, it's my next door neighbor T-bone. And the like, the dude who played skinny Pete comes out. Couldn't afford Badger. No, no, no, no, no.

It's only skinny Pete. That would have been a cameo I would have liked. One of my favorite things early on in this movie is it's right before they go ice fishing. She's trying to wake him up. And it's one of the several times Larry just sleeps in. And he keeps hitting the. snooze button and the girl's pissed off because it's like 6 a.m. she wants to go ice

fishing and she's like holds this pillow up and I was like oh no she's going to strangle her own father smother him how cool would that be smothering Larry the cable guy you promised me fishing that would be pretty cool it's cool

it's cool sorry dad I had to get it done get it done and then and then he's He wouldn't be playing chess with death. What would he play? Connect 4. Checkers is too advanced.

He'd play Connect 4 with the Reaper and then claim the Reaper cheated. Hey, you cheated. I don't know what's up them robes. All right. I get a second chance. Uno. I ain't doing all that mad than that Uno. That game sounds like a Hispanic game.

I ain't going to shout to the border with the reaper. I'll tell you quit. I'm playing, Uno. What does it come with a taco? Oh, he's the worst. So, yeah, so this stepfather's really rich, and it's clear, like, Larry's going to be fighting with this guy for competition. It's kind of the same exact thing that happens in two the very, too. Yeah.

Isn't there a stepfather in that movie, too? There's a dude. There's a guy that's very rich. No, in that one, it's a guy that's going to be. Oh, going after the ex-wife. Yeah. Oh, that's right. It's the same thing.

It's a Larry the cable guy. Snobbs versus Slobs. Always. You know, just fighting back against the 1%. This one is even more so that working class angle because it's, everyone's impossibly rich and Larry's impossibly poor in this movie. It's so weird. At least the other one, you know, Two-fairy two, there was a little more of a, you get a vibe of the town being middling. Right.

But we have a little bit more of we're not monsters in this movie because he's not really. necessarily evil as much as he's just a creep. Larry? No, this stepfather. I mean, Larry's always a creep. But like, the stepfather's a super creep in this movie, though, it's like, I'm going to buy my little girl's love. It's terrifying. I don't know. Like, I think

it's great. Like, people that step up and a real good stepdad's, hats off to you, you know what I mean? Like, really. They're out there. They are out there. Step dads. Stepmoms. That's a real thing. Loving the kid and doing the whole thing. But like, being really into it and being really excited about it and like really trying to win

somebody over and like getting upset when the girl wants to see your real dad it gets a bit weird everybody. Dude, absolute power corrupts absolutely. And that's what's happening in Jingle all the way to. That's the lesson. Got that tattooed on my ass.

Hey, I'm Larry the Fable guy. That's stupid. No, it's not. Compared to everything else. You could probably put Sinseus Art of War all over his back if you wanted. You get the whole thing come there. Anotated in

Japanese and English. I'm a secret samurai at night. You thought all samurai had to be in shape. Well, look at this. Hi-ya! I mean, Holly, how did he not do Beverly Hills Ninja to? When is that happening?

You hear about that? There's a franchise that needs to be resurrected. You hear about that 47 Ronan? Well, I'm 470 pound Ronan. Oh, So we meet the ex-wife, the mother of this child. Impossibly good-looking. Super sweet lady.

How on her. Again, it's an overboard situation. She fell off a tractor and forgot everything. Well, no, she's like a Patricia Arquette in boyhood. Like, she just keeps on picking the wrong guy. Yeah, yeah. Like every fucking time, man. First you start off with Larry.

You let him impregnate you. Yeah, whoops. And then you go on to this creep. Yeah, this guy is drinking at the dinner. table, that's for sure. Oh yeah, he's the guy who's getting that huge handle of tequila in case company comes on the weekend. After he's referred to as Dad 2, which he is. Yeah. I mean, like, come on, man, just get over it. Like, unless Dad 1 is a real scumbag that you don't want in your life anymore. Yeah. You got to accept that it's Dad 2. Like, you're going to have to split that shit. Be the best Dad 2 you can be. Exactly. And with Larry, it's just a matter of time until she cuts ties. Exactly. So just be the bad. Back up for a while, man. Yeah, teenage years are, that's your time to shine because it's going to be like, oh, man, I slept through your graduation. Or who's that boy you hanging out with or any of that shit?

Oh, it's placing your favor to so well, like no matter what, you're great. Yeah, exactly. You just have to show up. But then at the same time, Dad, too, in those teenage years might be hitting on our teenage friends. Yeah, it's a big problem. Because this guy is a real creep. Well, I think Dad One in this case would do that as well. yeah those two cancel each other out well no he I mean as always he's always asexual for the most part

hey cool I don't like nobody he's just like nothing like nothing faces like a couple of like a hit on him and he's like all right and nothing happens like he's not looking for anybody no like when he goes he takes them like Christmas tree shopping he takes the daughter Christmas tree shopping and this babe walks out and is selling these Christmas trees and she's wearing like a low cut shirt the whole thing and you expect him to be like Oh, look at those bazongas. And he's like, hey, will you help me find a Christmas tree, please? Oh, thank you very much. I'll be on my way now. Like, there's nothing. Like, where's the drooling? Where's the jaw dropping?

Where's the hay cool-ins? At these ladies. I've never thought about that, but he is totally a second-old. He's a cartoon character. You know, you can't imagine Donald Duck with an erection, so you can't imagine Larry with an erection. Can't I? Don't tell me what I can't do, Steve. He might be like a food sexual.

I'm a food. Get out of here, woman. I'm going to have sex with a Twinkie. He's got to blow up Twinkie. What's the name of that little Twinkie character? He's the little cowboy. I don't remember. I don't know, but I

fucked him. Well, because I'm saying that's like a personified Twinkies. You know. If you really wanted to. And it's also a cartoon, so. If you had to put a face on it. That's all I'm saying. Oh, my God. Just.

just pleasuring yourself to cartoons. Gross. It's a thing that happens, but it's really gross. There's also the awkward, like, encounter in the driveway. You know, like, the old, like, we're talking in the driveway, I guess you can

come into the house kind of a thing. But they're just getting back from their honeymoon. Like, he's been watching his kid while they're away wherever, having a great time. And he's like, oh, yeah, remember our honeymoon? Sizzler in a movie. You're like, God damn it, dude. Really?

And she's like, they were coming back from St. Croix or something. Yeah. And she's all like, I'm benign. Like, why would you have ever been with this dude if he was like, hey, honeymoon, Shisler, damn. But getting to the honeymoon point means that you agreed and then went through with marrying him in the first place. And, as soonly, you dated him. You went out in public with him. That's why I have to imagine it's a shotgun wedding.

I have to imagine it's a shotgun wedding. It's like a knocked up situation. That's what the shotgun wedding is, yeah. But like one time. You only did it one time. Oh, oh, you're referring to knocked up with the movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was a crazy wild night after a barn burner or whatever happened.

Maybe it was like after the high school football team like won the pennant or something. She tried E the first time because I'm trying to give you all the credit I can, lady. And then somehow you're impregnant by Larry the Cable Guy and your life is over with for a fashion until you can successfully divorce him. He was saying something in the movie about how he makes like all his payments. for the kid. How? With what? He's a part-time trucking gig? He's bragging about having a part-time job in this movie.

He's a trucker, but only part-time, and it's like, oh, okay. You can make a good amount of money trucking, but you got to do it. I don't even know what part-time trucking is. You only take the load halfway. You just leave it somewhere. Is that what he calls just driving his truck?

I think so. Part-time trucker. Part-time of the day. I like take a drive of my truck she what happens my dodge truck oh yeah everywhere big time big old letters

you have to imagine though that that's it's pretty like culturally deaf right like this movie's coming out at a time world there are people that will kill for employment yeah you know what's great part time

I could be a full time trucker but nope I want to hang out with my kids and eat tacos and that's how poor he is and Victor even has his own chef apparently they allude to in a line of dialogue

like chef joseph or something like that like she's the kid's gonna hang out with him where is the money to pay like even the lowest ranking celebrity chef to be that chef right like the most hated person from top chef like

give them $10,000 to come in for a scene why not those really sad the first rounders the guys that could get the first episode oh yeah exactly oh my god but that's the thing is also this house, by the way, we only, we don't see any of that, because we only see the front yard and the vestibule. Like, that's

it. Yeah. Because I think this is like Vince McMahon's house that he was away for two weeks. He's like, fine, you can do it there and laugh. We're not going to any of the back rooms. Don't go to my tape room. Stay out of the library. It's not what you think it is. It's

not what I think it is. I'm pretty sure it's exactly what I'm. So, they're fighting over, you know, who's going to have the kid on Christmas or whatever and the stepdad makes a big stink about like having the kid on Christmas versus Christmas Eve and he's really weird about it because the wife whose decision it is her it's up to her and Larry to be like okay I'll take him on Christmas Eve you take him on Christmas Day and it's like it works up they're going to have him have her Christmas Eve

and he's going to have her Christmas day and this guy's like but honey and it's like what why just just just do what they say like just do what they're asking you yeah apparently that you know they've been separated for years and they switch off those two days every year and it so happens this is a larry year yeah what we're calling larry years hey it's the year of the larry he's got to i think dad too's got to honor that a little bit because you absolutely have it's been a cool cucumber in this situation you want points chill out yeah that's exactly what it has to be and they do this thing where it's like oh cool we'll split christmas too so like she's going to be their half on christmas by the way whoever

gets Christmas afternoon into evening that's the dud, right? That's that you lose Christmas. You want the morning, you want Santa Cain, all that shit, right? Nobody gives a shit about Christmas dinner. Like, does anyone really, like, everyone's just tired and over it by that point. It's like, we open

presents, Christmas Eve's a big deal. Yeah, Christmas morning's a big deal. After Christmas morning, we're done. No, give me some pie, let me take a shit and go to bed. Exactly. Someone's just watching Commando, drinking a beer. Oh, that sounds perfect. With the siren out here just i'm sure it's an emergency let it burn down or whatever that oh it will

someone's you know you're just sitting on the couch drinking beard not talking to your relatives you just want to go home you're just done with it by that point and larry knows that he's like ah hey cool you're all right you're all just watching the fucking third time a christmas tale or a christmas story is on tv people just love that movie 24 hours of a Christmas story. Hey, cool. You think we'll ever get to a point? Like, cable is so dying. It's on like its last gas, but it's like 24 hours of jingle all the way, too.

That's how you know cable's in trouble. We paid a whole $10 for it. So the whole thing is she writes a letter to Santa, which Larry the cable guy opens and reads, which is a federal crime. No, it's not. well his friend reminds is this the great Santini now? Santino is the Santino Morella is his wrestling name

Claude is his character name Right he's the best bud The vaguely Canadian best bud Because we're shooting this movie in Canada by the way In the summer in Canada Everyone's sweating bullets in these coats You can tell like it's so warm out Even in the Christmas street scene

Like this woman is like totally naked and it's like, I need to be this naked. Because I'm getting a tan on Christmas. Honestly, if that's what you're going for, because it's sort of vague as to where this movie's set. But we all know it's the Florida panhandle.

Come on. How expensive is it to film in the Florida panhandle? Just go down there. It was shot in Canada. Yes, I know. But yeah. But I'm saying they don't... No, please. Larry the cable guy is not going to star in a movie that's not set in the United States of America. Come on.

I know he's wearing an American flag hat Most of the movie I think the whole movie Cabellas Sort of sponsored this movie But not really That and wise potato chips Because them cheese doodles

Is right in the middle of the frame Yeah there's a lot of stuff like that in this movie And it's all like special thanks And I'm like What does it mean when you're like Specialy thanking something in the credits for the Like yeah you let us do it for free I think that's what it means

Yeah we could use this stuff And I'd have to block it out Cabellas is cool with it because Larry the Cable Guy fans will watch it and see it and be like, oh yeah, he does that. He also does the huge fish hook on his hat thing. Just in case you are in an emergency

where you need to go fishing, like always have one of those. And it doesn't make sense. Somehow he doesn't take a prilosec at OCT. Yeah, where is the overeating and the heartburn in this movie? Doesn't happen. He talks about eating Mexican food, but it's off screen. At the diner, he

orders a deep fried everything as he puts. salad. Don't deep fry the salad. I don't need that. Hold the salad. What a shitty joke. So yeah, she writes a dear Santa letter, and he's like, oh, hey, I'll just

put this in a mailbox for you. And it's great because they have no idea what, like, any of these characters do. So out of nowhere, his best friend comes out of nowhere. He's like, hey, Larry, what are you put in the mailbox? Oh, shouldn't you be at work, Santino? Yeah, I think he's teleported there. It was out of nowhere.

Or you think he's just his conscience? You know it would be great It was like a beautiful mind And he was imaginary This whole time Oh man If Santino was just fake Yeah

Oh great He was like a Christmas angel Now Santino's got his wings Fly Santino Fly away Fly away to beef cake heaven He's wrestling with Jesus Yeah

So the letter says, you know, what, and apparently, like, she has some weird learning disorder where she separates her words. Like, she doesn't know how to, like, she spells everything right, but, like, she kind of, like, every word is, like, off to the side or something like that. Have you seen a little kid right? It's just a little kid handwriting. Yeah, I guess so. Well, I'd expect better. You know, Steve's like, this idiot child's got the worst penmanship I've ever seen. And also, I've seen your handwriting. someone would

pull they would glean some sort of mental disorder from that as well I'm just saying if she's expecting to pass the regents with this kind of stuff not at all it's not happening quit so it says all I want for Christmas dear Santa is my family

to and it looks like it's saying to get me Harrison which we know to be this teddy bear Harrison the bear the tickle me Elmo of 2014 that nobody look what is the big Christmas toy this year. I have no idea. I couldn't tell you. It's that them,

they're monster high dolls. They like those, right? I don't even know what that is. You have no idea. I mean, I just assume it's video game underline. I think it's like Game of Thrones on DVD and a bottle of scotch, right? That's what every kid loves. Actually, the kids do want

that. Yeah, I think you could give. You can't have it, God damn it. Exactly. Yeah, I don't know. But also, you're totally right, though. Why are you doing the big thing is basically a tickle-me-el-me-elmo. Do some sort of electronic text thing or other, yeah.

You know, it's like an eight-year-old kid going on nine. Like, kids, she's probably got a friggin cell phone already. Like, she definitely has a cell phone already. She's living in a castle. Well, we should point out, though, that... She is living in a castle. Larry, it turns out, read this letter wrong. And it's all I want for Christmas is my family to be together as one.

That's the big twist at the end. Right. So just like with the jumbled letters and everything, Larry couldn't read it. So I guess actually, because when the little girl does get the bear at the end, she's like, ah, great. So maybe she didn't want that. I mean, maybe it is a thing for littler kids, and Larry's just an idiot. Everyone in the town wants this because Larry goes to a toy store and he runs into a Dane Cook impersonator,

which is just really, this guy's terrible. I mean, like, I kind of don't want to make fun of a guy that's making DVD, direct to DVD movies with Larry the cable guy. No, I mean, he's excited to get this role. He told all his actor friends about it. And he certainly didn't write the script. Yeah, that's definitely not his fault. And he definitely gave it at his all.

He's doing it. He's 120% with this character. His bit is he has to greet you with all the Christmas greetings, which is, you know, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanza, and Happy Winter Solstice. And he said, oh, Larry does not have time for these HeBGB holiday. Yeah, you could just. say Merry Christmas.

You know what, though? There's kind of none of that in this movie. There's one, like, offline he says about that. But it's not like... Merry Christmas in all them languages. Right, yeah, exactly. Which is not what those holidays are. That's English, Larry.

That's all in English. But at least it's not, you know, putting the Christ back in Christmas, war on Christmas, all that shit. Oh, stop saying all that. Just say Jesus. By the way, Christmas recommend. Christmas with a capital C.

It's on Netflix. Oh, is that the Dean Cain one you were watching? No, that's a different one, man. That's the McGinley one, right? Yeah, it's got Daniel Baldwin. This is called just Christmas. It's called Christmas. No, Christmas with the capital C is the title.

It's about a town. The word with is in there. Yeah, it's about a war on Christmas. Oh, my God. That is so prevalent these days. So it's Baldwin and McGinley. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, they're fighting each other.

Over what? Over Christmas. Because he wants to say. secular, and the other guy wants it to be... The other guy wants it to be all about Jebus. Which one wants it which? I don't even remember anymore. Because you've got to figure that Baldwin's the one going in for the Jesus

Joy. Well, that's the other one. Yeah, Stephen Baldwin's that way. Daniel Baldwin's just fat. Maybe it rubbed off on him. Like, Stephen's kind of making a living, pretending he's religious. That's true. It's not a bad racket.

So, thus begins the hunt for this toy, which not for nothing. 30 minutes into this movie the toy hunt begins. Well, come on. After all these stunts of the early stages of trying to one up each other,

they're all CGI terrible gang. So we got, there's two big ones. We have, they're fighting over who does the best Christmas light presentation. This guy, the rich guy spends probably another 10 grand getting all these lights together and it's beautiful. And clearly, you know, they had just got back from their honeymoon.

He didn't hang all this stuff. He paid people to do all of this stuff. do all of it, dude. All of it. How much is he burning on this goddamn Christmas? $50,000. Easily 50 grand. We're tickling six figures

here at this point. Just getting right there. Larry counters with making a light display out of old car parts that he's found. It's like the Ninja Turtles Christmas.

It's lights made out of garbage. I want to see like the night scenes of Larry like scouring around at like car crashes and stuff like no they're still unconscious Santino come on let's go

let's grab these lights right out dude it's like nightcrawler with Jake Jill and Holly's just going to car accidents and get the parts they need oh those bulbs are still intact we'd be quiet Santino they might wake up oh Santino we got to go inside this murder house

I saw that they got a good carburetor Santino just just put your hand over his mouth while I get just put your hand over his mouth he'd be reeling right quick he'll be nice and calm Oh, Santino, I found a David Spader sex cult

You know what that sounds like? Jackpot! Dude, you just said David Spader. Oh. Shit. James Spader's sex cult on the other hand. Yeah. Well, but you know, David Spader

David Spade might have some weird sex thing too. What are you doing to me, Elias Cotez? I'm just for Christmas, that. I'll stick around a little longer though Hey, cool So then

How the hunter you're here too? So then he activates this thing And of course it blows up He gets electrocuted and flies back His cartoon gets electrocuted His cartoon gets real zapped Yeah, when he comes to When he comes to he's like, oh am I in heaven

And then like the stepdad comes in like Oh no, you're here, Victor It must be stupid earth still Oh shit, I'm on middle earth And there's a weird And I don't understand Why this is a I don't know why this is a thing

But that shot of him Like he's supposed to be laying on the ground And he's just been electrocuted It's totally not that It's him standing up in front of a green screen Pretending that he's laying down on the grass Like what are we doing Somebody rubbed some coal on his face

That's all that happened And it's like some CGI smoke and a fake lawn behind him. It's like, you know what, that money that you did to animate him laying on the ground, that's a Sinbad cameo. You just spent your Sinbad cameo. I was really fishing for a third act cameo.

How do you not have it? Sinbad, one of the fucking... Anybody. Blue-collar guys, like Jeff Foxworthy comes in at the end. Bill Invol, we'll do this for free. For a soda and a sandwich. Like, just with the opportunity. to hang out with old lair again he might do it for your autograph for her he'll come out you know

here it is right i just figured out the bill engball character okay larry the cable guy electrocutes himself and he flies back and oh i just got electrocuted and he stands up and it's just this shot where like larry's on one half of the frame and then bill ingval just slides into the other half of the frame with a stupid sign and it's an era pointing to larry because he's stupid and then he just goes away Dude, that's a problem. That's what happened with Bill Engval. Everyone stopped

caring about stupid signs and that's the only joke he told 27,000 times. Here's your side. Here's your side. Dude, it was such a rip-off

of Jeff Foxwood. It's the same like you might be a redneck. Just with a stupid side. Here's your say. Oh, what? No, no. Yeah, no, it's yours.

Here's your son. And whereas Foxworthy had like some kind of vernacular like redneck. That's a term where he's just like, just here's your sign stupid the guy made hundreds of thousands of dollars of the word millions you think it's you think bill ang falls a millionaire he was on that fucking tv show he was on the tv show for a jennifer lawrence show that he was on i would say low millions

oh very low he's tickling no million and i believe his wife one million i believe he's nearing thousands but it might be a full million and what's his wife uh our favorite name i think she was nancy travis oh is it oh because she's also on that tim allen Well, she loved that her career The last 20 years is putting her hands on her hips and going About men That's the whole thing I married another idiot

Another white idiot Do you think that that Tim Allen show Last Man Standing is actually a spinoff Of the Bill Engval show Where at the end of Bill Engval She divorces him And then goes and marries Tim Allen on Last Man Standing And she's like

Well at least he's not Bill Engval Or Bill Engval goes into just Jeff Goldblum's transporter comes out. He's Tim Allen. That might be. What would he have to go in there with to make him Tim Allen? A hammer?

A baboon. An asshole. An asshole. Do we mean a person or do we mean just a physical? Just someone's little chocolate starfish? I leave it to you. So, okay. Bill Engel and Fred Durst go into this thing.

And Tim Allen goes out. That's almost that. Yeah, that's about right. Merry Christmas. So the other computer gag. Oh, yeah. This is like a fucking bad Polish joke. You know what I mean?

Like it's just... I can't even fucking stand. Like we said, it's 98 degrees this Christmas. For some reason, the earth is dying. We don't know where we are. We're Jacksonville, Florida. So they're, you know, they've got a big, uh, Victor's got this fake snow and they have a big long snowball fight. And...

He's got a snow machine because that's a rich. is so she calls him like dad me and victor had a snowman huh i can't compete with that or yes exactly and him and santino getting the fucking stupid wagon and drive to a mountain da da da la da da da da yeah exactly and shovel snow into a fucking moving truck and drive it down the mountain and he makes his big to do like hey honey you got that stupid new york city snow this is a real mountain snow that man made formaldehyde snow you got

your stupid cultured opera going cosmopolitan snow why not just drive her instead of your dumb friend to the snow and have the snowball fight I know it's so stupid so as I here comes yet again

I'm going to make a big to-do speech because I saw Christmas vacation 12 years ago and that's what the lead character's supposed to do before he gets slammed? And he opens the stupid thing and of course a tidal wave of computer water

induces him into the next county. This is an impossible amount of water. This is like an aquarium just broke. It's like a fire department was in the back of the fucking band. You know what? That's your joke. You find like a fish flapping around in there. You know what I mean?

Then a bear comes out of the woods and gets It rugs back. Oh, man. And then Larry has to fight a bear. That would be great. I would love to do that. Did she seem getting eaten alive by a big old grizzly bear? And Werner heard song listens to the tape.

Nobody should listen to this. Don't ever listen to this. The thing about listening to the death of Timothy Treadwell was that I said no one else should listen to it. But I highly recommend listening to the tape of Larry, the cable guy being eaten alive by a grizzly bear. I found it quite entertaining. I'm sending it into that morning. Morning Zoo for their funniest clip ever. I love calling in the Morning Zoos.

Hopefully after the tape is listened to it's accompanied by a fart noise and a toilet flushing. Frank phone calls get me every time. I have every tricky boy CD there is. So he goes, then we got the tree shopping. That's like the other one. It's like, I can't afford anything but a little Charlie Brown tree. And then that's when we see this idiot Has bought a 50-foot tree

Had it hauled down from Maine $10,000 later He's got this Christmas tree And in this scene We have this thing where this lady at the tree shop Is telling him like Well, if you buy a tree that's a little thinned out We can put like

Flocking I think right Yeah flocking which is just It looks like fake chemical snows put on it And he goes under this thing And it's just a double dare all over He's just douched with this too and he comes out and there's, oh, man, what is the joke?

Do we remember what the joke? He says something. Like, after that happened, did somebody get the number on that pigeon? Yes. Did Tony get the number on that pigeon? All right, I talk to you later. And then everyone in the crowd that's laughing at him goes, That's not funny.

We saw what happened. He sucks. It's got to be a big pigeon. I was expecting him to take his bill off and say, Of course you know, this means war Because it's a cartoon game So how does the stepdad find out About the letter and what the girl wants also

Because he's like following Larry And he finds out that he's going after the Harrison doll Oh right, right, right And then he gets his fucking weird minion This guy, I don't know, this guy's a serial kill This guy's got to screw loose Well, here was my question about this character in general why does a box magnate need this like weird you know this weird like assassin bodyguard to be following with him at all times he's a Michael Clayton cleaner is what he is yeah yeah exactly you're just jamming someone in the in the throat and that's it but the boxes have to be a front for something that's what I'm saying oh yeah 10,000 dollar Christmas tree and something's going on knee laundering he's at the

and Victor this Christmas He got his He got cement shoes He got the bath He's like Lydia And Breaking Bad You know It's this big corporation

Oh yeah Oh yeah We're just gonna take these boxes Just ship them off to Mexico Yeah The cartels have Yeah exactly The cartels have their way with them

And so he gets this creepy guy And he's like I want all the bears in town Anywhere Larry goes You're gonna stop him from getting these bears. This guy's like, I understand. And honestly, this is the point of no redemption for Victor. The fact that he's

willing to deprive every kid in this town of this bear that wants us for Christmas, he ends up having like thousands of them. In a storage unit. In a storage unit that's supposed to be in this box factory compound, you know what should be

in there? A bunch of boxes. You know what it is? Totally empty because you're putting thousands of bear boxes in drug front total Jacksonville drug front Well that's what you don't see You don't see this guy going broke Because he's been spending all this money

Because you got to imagine I mean parents will do a lot of crazy shit So they will drive Three hours outside of the state To go and buy one of these stupid fucking bears Or to go on Amazon.com And if need be Amazon.com

You would need it. Andrew you would need some kind of internet to do that Or unless maybe Victor is stuffing these dolls with his drugs Like the Scarecrow did You just open a door There's a bunch of people in their underwear Putting drugs with these dolls Oh no, fear toxin

That is where your Jim Belushi cameo could have been That would make perfect sense Hey, why do you get out of here? You're going to soil the operation It's a draft, I'm in my knickers Well I kind of want him to be I want Jim Belushi to be like the Benjamin Brat to his, Catherine Zeta Jones. That's some gucook-cane.

Yeah, that's some good-cook-cone. I mean, I got the cook shakes. By the way, the creepiest thing in this whole movie is, you know, hey, look, I got this, I sent my minion to do this dirty work for me. I need a title for it. I need a title for the Operation. You know, what we're going to expense this against? Yeah, right.

Just in case anyone starts snooping around our books. Somebody's going to be snooping around. Called Operation Who's Your Daddy. Who's your daddy? And what does he do? Hey there. I just stepped into this box factory. ABC's Chris Hanson.

You want to sit down for me on this pile of boxes? Looks like some quality boxes you could sit down on. We have to have a chat. Have some lemonade. What do you got there? It looks like you got a Harrison the Bear doll, a copy of Steve Sadex a condom for Christmas. That's not like a real party.

Wine coolers. In the middle of the day. It's always wine coolers. But like, yeah, honestly, if this wife finds out about something called Operation, Who's your daddy involving the stepfather and your real child, look out for jail look out for jail

look out for a lot of jail look out for so much jail there's multiple jails chasing me the box factory is out of business honestly out of business is going to her she owns the box she's Baxter boxes now

so now we begin a very cheap montage where we keep going to the same comic book store and they keep rearranging the thing and the guy this guy and here's another thing that she stops this movie dead when there is a toy like that

like in jingle all the way you can't buy all of them you're like no no one person can ever buy more than two these stores would never let this happen that's the other huge problem with this movie and they have the line and it drives you nuts because he's like well like Larry's like don't you

have it on these things and the guy says well yeah but he was the first one. There's first come first serve. No way. No, no, no. That never happens. They have lines of people looking for these dolls.

Yeah. And this guy somehow always gets their first. Unbelievable, number one. Number two. Yes. Having this guy buy 50, 100 of these things at once. And apparently when he gets there and he is the first one to get it, there's nobody exactly right behind him watching him doing and not beating the ever-loving shit out of him.

Exactly. Where is the Black Friday? Madness. Where is this guy getting trampled? We wanted someone getting trampled. This guy would got like Robert De Niro kicked so hard in his jaw. It would have been lovely. We get the, I think his character's name is Jeffrey or something. The guy that works at that story. Yeah. He's like Jeffrey like the giraffe from Toys R Us everybody. There you go. He calls Larry and says they have the new shipment in. And you know, it's like in the morning first come first serve when they open. That's when this guy gets all these other ones. It's like what sort of starts. off him running around to all the comic book shops and stuff. Right. But yeah, this guy would have

had to have ran there, taken like 50, 100 off of the shelf. Yep. Taking it to the register without anyone seeing. It makes no, I mean, we're talking about jingle all the way too, but it makes so little sense that it's like, don't write your movie like this.

Make it something else. You can't, see, that's the thing. By the time Arnold gets to all of these toy stores, it's already gone. multiple people and it's always something different and I mean that movie is not good at all but it's always something different in each store in this store it's a crazy

Santa Claus fight club in this store they have like a raffle for the doll yes in this one you know this one this just easy hey coo we don't need to think of anything this guy just takes them all you dick so at one point he also encounters

these obnoxious old lady twins that are the creepiest things ever has to give business to old ladies in these movies. I don't get it. But we're overlooking the fact that it's weird, old lady twins. They're terrified. They're both identical, like, down

to the rims of their glasses and they both did that squeaky creepy voice. Oh, it's the Shining, man. It's like if the Shining lived. So he sees that he sees that they have one of these dolls. Yeah. And he wants it.

He's like, going to pay them for it. And they're like, No, it's for our niece. Well, he's just trying to ask them, this is what's ridiculous. He's just trying to ask them, where did you get the doll? He's not trying to buy it off them or anything, but they keep cutting them off. Like, how dare you try to, you know, buy this doll off of us? It's for our niece. And then he's like, no, you don't understand.

I don't want to buy it from you. And then they're like, oh, you're going to steal it. That's even worse. And then they punch him in the throat and kick him in the balls. This is Boy, Yong, sound, right? There's a little something. It's like, go on your bingo cards at home, did anyone have Larry beaten by old ladies?

We should have had nerds, though. We should have had him getting kicked in the nerds or getting hit the nerds. Irma nerds. Yeah, come on. Also, definitely not the first time this guy's been kicked in the balls. He really handles it like a pro. Like a true pro. But it's a very fortuitous ball kick because as he's pulling himself up off the ground

is when he spots a sign. for a mechanical bull riding competition at the local rooster tavern haven't been there in eight hours. Well actually, no, that's the other thing. Because he's a weird cartoon, he doesn't consume alcohol. It's all soda. Same thing with the tooth fairy as well.

He's like, this guy, both those guys have drinking problems. Yeah. Why are you a part-time trucker? Because you've got a huge Jeff Bridges-esque drinking problem. And you're going to lose that kid at the mall. That would have been a great scene. You crazy? I thought you meant Jeff Bridges in general.

I was like, lay off of Jeff Bridges. Everybody's got demons. No. Yes, Jeff Bridges and Crazy Heart, you're losing that kid at the mall. Yes. That would have been a great scene. But so he's like, oh, rooster tavern first prize winning a doll, dude. And he just, he goes and.

Rooster's milk bar. He just shows up with a bunch of his droogs to win this. So he's got Santino and there's a bunch of other fat guys lined up. to do this thing. Come on, Santino, a little bit of the ultraviolence. A little bit of the old in-out, in-out, in-out. I'm singing in the range. I sing in in the rain.

Hey, cool, he's unconscious. Turn it off. Turn it off. I think I'll beat him too hard with this penis statue. No, it's great. And then, like, the intelligent, it would be, Larry would be the personification, not of violence and hate, but of stupidity. And then the intelligentsia, like,

tapes his eyeballs open and he has to watch a bunch of Errol Morris documentaries. Oh, no, I'm learning things. The entire Frederick Wiseman. Ed Burns. Oh, shit, 12 hours of baseball. Oh, shit, 12 hours of jazz. Oh, shit, 12 hours of national parks.

Oh, man, you want to talk about the best sleep I ever got in my life? Watching anything Ken Burns ever made? The National Park ones, especially. It was kind of a light rain outside. And I was sitting on a lazy Saturday. Did you have that camomile tea? You had that camomile tea, didn't yet. Put on a little Ken Burns.

Ooh, National Parks. Yellow. You were just done. You what's fucking weird. I just got really jealous of you. I totally did, dude. How did you have time for that afternoon? Oh, I want that afternoon so bad.

God damn you, Steve. What a perfect life moment. So, yeah, those old ladies beat him up. He's at this bar. Santino's there. There's like 10 guys. They're all dressed as Santa Claus. Because I think it's a Santa thing.

Right. The mechanical bowl is a mechanical reindeer for the evening. And the whole thing is the longest, you know, someone stays on. They win the contest. Isn't the thing you, and I haven't been to many mechanical bowl contests, but isn't it about like attractive women getting on mechanical bowls? Like, that's the idea. Well, anybody can do it.

Nobody wants to watch a bunch of fat, guys though, right? Like, listen, I would watch a bunch of fat guys do it if they were dressed up like Santa Claus and one of them was Larry the cable guy. For sure. You get the ladies and then you get the fat guys being humiliated. So it's like a perfect evening. That's a perfect double bill right there.

Yeah, they're the second act, I think. The second act I'm praying for broken necks. Oh, yeah. You have the EMTs have to show up and drag this guy out on a gurney. Listen, the bar closes early that night. Something about a fat guy hard. attack for sure on that thing. Oh, absolutely. You know, so we got this, there's a, there's a guy that's talking shit to him.

Yeah. And, you know, so, my son wants that doll. Okay, weird guy. And I give my son everything he wants. My son is a winner and so am I. You know what? And this is not a slight, this is not a slap at him, but where was Stephen Tobolowski? Yeah, in this movie? Just to elevate any of these little one- Where was? One off roles. Anybody.

Kirk Fuller. What's his face? The other guy that looks like Kirk Fuller. Kurt Fuller. Kurt Fuller, the other one. Who's the other one? It's Kurt. David. David Grin, something.

Oh, Zach Grinier. Zach Grinier. He looks exactly like Kurt Fuller's older, like less successful uncle or something. Yeah. Didn't anybody have an ape ball and ask Andy Dick to be in this movie? How is Andy Dick? Yes.

Well, because I feel like you put Andy Dick in this movie. Some parents are going to be like, oh, we know. about him. Oh, I got one. Zander Berkeley. Oh, yes. Zander Berkeley. He could have been this movie. He could have been anyone. That's with all of these Larry movies, though. Unless you are one of the blue collar guys, you're doing Delta Fars or whatever, nobody, like, what was the biggest co-star? Thomas Wilson in that health inspector movie? DJ Qualls. Where was DJ Qualls?

DJ Qualls could have been in this movie. Yeah. What, I mean, what are we doing? I think, I think now it's a thing where it's like oh it's a larry the cable guy movie won't touch it won't that's it you know what that's fun like dj quals was like that's fine unless you're a wrestler trying to break into legitimate theater you're not touching it and this movie was definitely in santino's contract by the way like you better put me in one of those wwee movies but that i mean and i you know i'm sure people will correct me on this because i'm very removed from the rasselin at this point but is santino a big i never heard i never heard oh i've never seen him on a t-shirt should be a wrestling I think you have to be kind of a big dude, right?

No, I mean... No, I mean, like, was he a popular wrestler? I don't know, but he was definitely... He's probably got a good upper body. But that's the big point is, like, when wrestlers do do these kind of movie, the whole joke is how fucking huge they are. And, like, that's...

Every joke hits that one, and he's a big guy. No scene can Larry ever be, like, outdone? Oh, no, no, no. Right? Like, he's always got to be the main event. So poor Santosh. Santino, this is a professional wrestler, gets on this mechanical bowl and lasts for one second. Come on, that guy could do it for a while. And his whole thing, his whole thing throughout the movie is either to tell Larry how, oh, crazy you are, or, like, to be a crazy person.

Like when he catches Larry putting the, uh, checking on the letter. Yeah, he's showing up out of nowhere and chastised. And he loses his mind over it. Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying the undertaker needed to be in this movie, but, like a bigger wrestler, unless this guy is big, I'm just saying, I know of big wrestlers now when I see people with T-shirts. Exactly. How about a

John Sina cameo? Sure. Why not? John Sina, why not have John Sina? Here you go. This is the movie. It's Larry the cable guy, V. Evil Rich stepfather, John Sina. Then you can have hilarious things where a muscle-bound guy is fighting a flabby comedian, just like the first one.

That's all it is. That's all you needed to do. Instead, poor Santino is getting pie with him at the diner. this guy's got nothing to do Santino why are you friends with Larry the cable guy in this movie I want the friendship justified don't just hang out with Larry the cable guy

It's also I want the marriage justified Or the divorce that that woman is a non-character And she's barely in this movie I want a benign force that smiles Yeah I want the prequel like Maybe it's like What was that short thing that Wes Anderson did Hotel Chevalier?

Yeah I want the hotel shovelier yeah I want the hotel Chevalier of this, right? And it's just you watch the divorce happen. Like, the last two weeks of this marriage and just disintegrating. Can I do a personal tangent on Hotel Chevalier?

Sure. I worked in my first job. Everybody had offices. Me and all these other assistants. So me and this dude were super excited about... What the hell is that? Darjeeling Limited coming out. And they're like, oh man, short prequel to Darjeeling Limited. Let's go

watching at your office and we close the door and then Natalie Portman gets naked and we're like oh man your boss comes in hey everybody what are you watching you definitely don't want to what are you

watching at work so he cheats at this ball riding competition like again like the Tasmanian devil would cheat at this thing or the Yosemite Sam to be fair yeah he puts glue all over his bridges and sits out of bull.

The way we're introduced to the cheating is he's like lathering it in his hands and he's like, hey Santino, get my backside. And it's just like this close up of Larry the cable guy's fat ass in this Santa suit and this professional wrestler

just painting on like he's doing a coat on a fence. And it looks like it's like black. It looks like he just like explosively shed his hands everywhere. It looks like feces. Yeah. Oh my God. It looked like it's just all over my body. And this is a huge missed opportunity for a joke. I was trying to anticipate the jokes, right?

With the snow, I was like, there's a tidal wave coming. Like, I got that one, right? So I was all high on my horse because I got that. So we get to the bull riding thing. And my thought was they're going to go really fast. Because the step dad's assistant comes in and he's like, can't this thing go any faster and like slips the guy 50 bucks? And this guy is just like a crooked carnies.

He's like, yeah, okay. And he starts making it go faster and faster. And I was like, Larry is going to fall off this thing. But because of the super glue, his britches are going to stay on. He's going to go fly in his underwear. And there are going to be some heart boxers. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Doesn't happen.

He just flies off this thing, flies through the barricade, by the way, definitely dead. Or I thought his nemesis in this scene, this other dad, who should be played by Xander Berkeley, was going to say, or Tom Atkins, was going to say like, oh, this guy's cheating, look at the glue, nothing. Or like someone go, hey, that guy shit his pants.

Just like something to address this. And how also, now the, the rival dad got 22 seconds. Larry with the glue got 31. 31 whole seconds on this thing. And so, you know, the first prize,

the whole table of prizes. And it's like, first prize, it's a trip to the Poconos. Everyone assumed it was the Harrison Bear doll. Yep. Everyone assumed it. So then it's like second place is this other douchebag dad and he gets the prize. Which I need to know the retail on this bear. Like, just give me a number.

Is it $60? Is it a $100? There's no way that's $100. Is it a way that's $60? No, no, it's $60. Have you been to a toy store? Oh, it's $60. It can, to be fair, it can learn up to 300 words.

And speak it in like a perfect like modulation because it's fake. It's a little, it's like a, it's like a lingua type doll. Now, Furby didn't get this advanced. Really? No, it just went like, That's a good Furby. Was it? That takes me back.

A nightmare Furby. But how did no one at this bar be like, hey, that guy's getting on the mechanical bowl with shit all over himself? I'm not going to get on there after that. You can't let a guy with shit all over him get on a bull. You don't want that. Or it's great. Like the next guy gets on and wins because he's on for two minutes because, A, he's not as fat. And B, all the residual glue is sticking him on there.

Hey, it's like I'm glued on. And the Carney might have adjusted back to normal speed. Exactly. It's like a three-hour thing that's got still on it. We got it, Craig. You won. Ah, yeah, it's gross, though. There's a nice, like, sweet, like, Santino gets to do something.

He's like, hey, you want to go to the Poconos with me, Larry? It's like, great, Santino. You just lathered this guy's ass with glue. You really, you better fucking have a long conversation with Vince McMahon. Here's the thing. You better get the belt at the end of this. You know what? Like, if I have to fucking suck up to Larry the cable guy, I better get the belt.

At least he's winning SummerSlam. Yeah. Get a fucking cage match with the entertainment. or something. Do you think that's like something wrestlers negotiated for when they're doing these things? Like Cain was like all right, yeah, I'll do C-No Evil too, but I'm getting the belt at the

end of it. Exactly. Because that's how I negotiate. It's 200 grand and the belt. Now we've talked about this with Stone Cold Steve Austin, but seriously though, how many professional wrestlers hate Dwayne Johnson's guts? Oh, man. All of them. Literally every last one

of them. And they must hate even more because he wrestles sometimes. Like, well, look who fucking and showed back up. Mr. movie star. Oh, here's Mr. Hollywood hanging out with all us carny folk for the night. Isn't that nice of him?

I do think, though, that Triple H has, like, put it into his head that he's had the better career. Do you think so? Like, I think he's convinced himself. He's an idiot. That would be my point.

Triple H counts the belt as an achievement. So he's like, oh, I had the belt nine times. Rock only had it six. So there you go. Well, Triple H, didn't he also in real life marry the boss's daughter? He did, Stephanie McMahon. Take that, Dwayne. Yeah, that's fine.

He's in line for the inheritance. That's it. He's playing the long comedy. He's going to run WWE one day. Well, for a while, though, with Dwayne Johnson and Triple H, because Stolt Steve Austin was kind of out of the picture. Like, that knee injury blew out his wrestling and movie career for some reason. And his political career, too. Hi, I'm Linda McMahon, and the things I think I could do for the state of Connecticut are numerous and important.

But until I figure that out, let's smear my competitor. This Matt Murphy, oh my God, what did he do? I don't know. I'm just saying he might have done something. It's her giving that speech and then you hear glass break and then Stone Cold comes out and stuns her on her inauguration day because that rivalry is that. hot. Oh, my God. That would be worth it. Right into the mailbag, I'm pretty sure Linda McMahon's been stunned in her life.

That whole lineage is at the stunner at one point. Stephanie McMahon had a kid. I think the baby got a stunner. It's a right of passage. That's what you do. You don't get christened in the McMahon family. You get a stutter. And like, you question it.

They're like, we're McMans. They're burying grandfather McMahon. And it's just a solid. for eulogy the chain has to give and then all of a sudden glass prank boom stutter he does that awesome backward somersault where he gives everyone the middle finger which is the most redneck thing anyone ever invented giving the finger out of a backflip out of a backward summer salt that does this thing you do like backwards which i always loved because you could always see him like I really hope I catch my balance doing this, like coming out of that back roll.

They see, it's only one finger, right? I love Stone Cold in his antics. God. What's he up to? I don't know. He's making bad movies. There was that Mom's Night Out. Is that him or is it another wrestler?

Mom's Night Out? Wait, wait. There's a wrestler in a movie called Mom's Night Out. There's a movie called Mom's Night Out. It's a Christian, like, found footage. Oh, well, I'll see you guys later. No, no, no, no, no. It's like, like, Girls Night Out.

Like, it's a real thing. There's another one that I'm thinking, though, where it was like... There's two of these? No, there was a found footage, like, Bachelorette party movie. Are you serious? Yeah, I don't remember... With a wrestler in it, stun in them? I don't think there are any professional wrestlers in it.

But there is a found footage, like Bachelorette party. And what happens in it? I don't know. Someone shits in the... the street. Oh, that was Bridesman's. Oh, yeah, you're right. Well, what's the, uh, the mom's night out? Mom's Night Out, like one of the wrestlers is like, just like this biker at this bar and

like they're all like drooling over him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I bet he, I bet he looked great. So, I don't know, Larry, she doesn't get a, I'm just saying he probably did if they drew him. I mean he's cut. So, all right. So Larry did not win this, this, this contest. That another another thing is drawn up empty for him. And this is around when he starts having hallucinations about the bear. He's got like a dream sequence in this movie. Is that what you're referring to?

Yes. And he's seen the bear everywhere. He's seeing like, like there's a guy juggling bears. There's bears everywhere. There's a guy eating a bear in a big hamburger bun. I was waiting for it to be like that Simpsons where it's where, where, Mo, ma-mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo. Right, with the coyote.

It's like, oh, and that guy juggling bears. He was just juggling babies. Come on, Larry. I'm your spirit guide. And this is when we get the Gitter, because again, you want to talk contractual obligations. You're absolutely right. Somewhere, and it's funny because it's the same thing in the Tooth Fairy.

He doesn't say Gitter done in the Tooth Fairy. The little girl does. He doesn't say get her done in this. A talking bear does. Talking bear, because he's in this hallucination, he goes to the toy store, and it's the same Jeffrey dude. And he's like, oh, we're all out of the Harrison Bear. but we have Larry Bear

and I wasn't paying attention at first I mean I was but I was like you know this movie's really stupid it's totally feasible that everyone in the town square had the bear before he goes in the toy store and he's like we got a Larry Bear and I was like how they're making Larry Bears well that's impossible what's going on

but then he's like but we also have the Victor Bear and it's like this bald bear and it's dressed in a suit and he's like all the kids love this one more than Larry Bear you know it's just like this is the best bear. And then, yeah, so he, like, he squeezes the Larry bear, and it's like, hey, get her

done. Great. Hilarious. It's a joke. This is when he, uh, dresses up like a homeless feller. Dude, he looks like Hagrid from Harry Potter. It's insane. Because he stumbles home eventually after this hallucination and sees that like some

charity is going to be giving away one of these bearsers. I better dress like a poor person. Well, he could have, he could have showed up as himself. Exactly. He has this moment where you can see his soul at the crossroads where he's like, Larry, are you going to actually impersonate a homeless feller to get this doll done? Yes, I am, Larry.

Cut to him looking like Hagrid. And again, this guy doesn't make any, but they always soften it because he can't be a piece of shit. Even though Schwarzenegger was a piece of shit in that movie until he learned his lesson. Larry's always a good guy in this movie. So even though he's trying to steal from the homeless, He's like, well, if I donate $500, I guess it's all right.

He's got like $500. Where do you get that money from? What parking, like what overnight in a parking lot at a truck stop did we miss? That Larry came out $500 richer. Come on. I beat that meth head to death for my daughter. I do anything for my little girl. Hey, cool, I dropped an ATM on his head.

Yeah, so he's just magically got $500 out of nowhere. And then, like, he's waiting in line, and he's sitting on fucking Sannie's lap. Oh, man. How do we not call that, by the way, then he's going to sit on Santa's lap? Because what we wanted to have happened with Santa. We wanted real Santa to be in the moon. Yeah, we wanted magic. So he's like, hey, Shane clothes, you want to get, you want to hurry it up.

I had Mexican food. I'm on shit on your lap. Well, this is what's amazing is he's using shitting on a, he's using shitting on a person as a bargaining chip. to get this doll because it's always worked before that's how i graduated high school i'm threatening shit on the principal's lap no he's like i will shit on you i got a special set of skills i'm gonna shit all over you that could be a c-minus real quick or you could have shit all over your lap oh only eight weeks of unemployment benefits what if i shit on your lap what's that how much that in me. Oh, you're fantastic.

See you later. Hey, coo. So Santa gives him this doll. Yeah. Get out of here. You fat, weirdo. You fat Harry Potter looking dude. He runs into an ex-girlfriend from high school outside and she thinks that he's hitting

such hard times. And she's trying to give him $20. And he's like, I don't need that. I don't need no handout. I don't need no welfare Obamacare. But then he looks and he goes, oh, wait, $20. Hey, cool. He says something about, like, being in the wrong business. I'm in a wrong racket.

First of all, you're nearly homeless anyway. You sleep practically on the street in a trailer. It's not that he lives in a trailer park. He's just put a trailer in what appears to be the middle of the forest. You're 47 years old and you eat fruity pebbles every morning. Excellent point. You're legally a drifter. Yeah, he talks all this shit at one point towards the end about, like, paying his taxes and this and that.

I was like, what are you using as a home address? Where are they mailing the refund? Come on. I'm sure he's got a shady P.O. Box somewhere. Yeah. Send it to the diner. Maggie holds onto it for him. Yeah, you're probably right.

You know what? That's the other movie I want, is this waitress that flirts with him throughout the film. I want the side movie where, like, we are able to look at. all the favors she has to do for Larry throughout the years because they're out of very flirtatious like want more pie fat boy like kind of point in their life

but how did it start? Where did it? I want the better call Saul of this waitress and him. He stone cold stuttered her cheating husband. Yeah you're right. He came out of the roadhouse one night after eating the old 49er or whatever. You're broken glass. Oh shit.

Here comes. That was I mean my God I miss. I Until you started saying that on this episode, I never thought about how much I missed the random sound of breaking glass. You never knew when it was going to happen. That's what was so brilliant about that era of wrestling. At any point, broken glass could happen. And then everything was thrown into chaos.

And it would end with some old person getting stone cold stuttered. An old lady, an old announcer, old owner, anybody. No one was safe. That's what was so great about Stone Cold Steve Austin. No one was safe from a stunner. DTA, man, don't touch anybody. Oh, it's sad. So he comes out, he's like, hey, cool, I stole from the homeless.

And then this little boy gives him this sob story about like, oh, it's a doll I wanted, blah, blah, blah. How do you not see you're being hustled from a million miles away? This kid is, yeah, it's got a brand new jacket. Yeah. kid is in nice clothing and the guy says uh and the kid's like oh my daddy is on a tight budget and my mommy had to have an operation and who gives you shit and like he he gets taken for a ride by this kid a bigger ride than that mechanical reindeer a few scenes back it's ridiculous and it turns out that this kid was contracted by the boxman's second like right hand man by the number two

What does this guy doing driving around? Hey, kid, do you want to make 20 bucks? That's exactly what he's doing. He's offering children. Okay, now that that's done with, you want to make 50 bucks? He's just sitting outside of playground somewhere, just asking kids things. Well, so then it's like Larry fights. He realizes what's happened and he runs after that.

He gives the kid the thing, first of all. He gives like, oh, well, I feel so bad for the homeless. Yeah. Here you go. And the kid's like, sucker. And then like bad fucking. Neal, no, no, no. Neal, neal.

Playing Christmas music on an electric guitar, pack it up, wrap it with snowman paper, put a nice golden silver bow on it. And deliver it to your house. Put it away. Keep it in a closet. I don't ever need to hear Christmas music play it on an electric guitar. I'm sorry, Mannheim's steamroller. Send it to the sphere factory. Listen, dude, it's Christmas, but you might get laid.

Keeping it nice and loose this Christmas. Let me just say, you have a couple of drinks with your lady. Put something in that gnaug, making it a sexy knob. You're going to want a little electric in there, you know? Can't be all bells and trumpets. That's right. No one has sex with bells on. Nobody can make out to Vince Goraldi.

But also, now, he could have just grabbed it back from this kid. I know it would look bad. Sure. But he's already in this impossible disguise. He's dressed as Hagrid. He's got this, like, weird trench coat on, this hat, this long hair, this soot from, just like when I got electrocuted, all over his face. They probably didn't wash it off.

They're saving money. They're probably doing that take right after that take. I want the scene of Santino helping him put this disguise on, and it's like the Burton Batman. He's like, Mere, Mere! And Santino, like, gives of it. He looks at it. Homeless will do it. Nazley. Santina's like,

I tried my best, Larry. I better get the belt for this. Well, you're my number one guy. Where do you get those wonderful toys? Seriously, tell me where you get them. I need it. My daughter wants one of an appearance.

So he's chasing this kid, and he stops him right in front of a church that just so happens to be letting out, and they're like, hey, what are you doing to that boy? And the ex-girlfriend is coming out of this mass, which this is weird because, like, from the time Larry the Canada guy has

encountered this woman outside the homeless shelter and now is in front of this church, it's not enough time for a service to have happened. You can't do confession in that time. What is this movie? This movie's got mob justice. Even the pastor is like, get him.

Let's cut his fat throat. Hang him. Maybe a bunch of queso will fall out. This is what Jesus would have wanted. So then, like, this, yeah, the angry mob is chasing him. We find out that the kid was paid $50 to get the bear. He gives it to the creep

and then he's like, it's actually a hundred dollars because I hate smarmy little kids in movies like this. Larry hides in the diner to escape them. At no point does he ever think maybe I should rip this disguise off. But he also describes, I forget to who, but he describes

what this whole scenario really was. It was an epic fail. Oh, right. He says epic fail in this movie. Come on. Because that's what the kids say these days, right? Epic fail. It was a total fail.

Well, another thing, another screenwriting tick, if you want to call it that, everyone's saying, best Christmas ever, worse this ever. And it's just like every fucking other word. Oh, man, this is the best burrito ever.

Epic fail. Angry birds. Oh, man, I got a candy crush on my daughter. I think that's what Victor Baxter has. I have a candy crush on my stepdaughter. It's going to be the best Christmas ever. Speaking of the creepiest man alive,

Larry's at the diner, and he sees a newscast, and of course the news is covering the fact that nobody can get a Harrison doll. Small town news, man. You get what you can get. And the newscaster just says, the person who bought all the dolls is rich, and Larry knows it's Victor.

Who is rich in this town? Wait a minute. I know. You know a rich fella. I'm putting it together. But everyone in this town is waspy affluent so-and-so's. Come on, Larry. That's just being prejudiced.

So he decides to track him down, and he goes to his box factory on the night of the big Christmas pageant. Christmas tree lighting that the box factory is sponsoring. Yeah, so he's like, and basically he goes to his, Larry pretends to be like a delivery guy, special delivery. Here's a Harrison doll. He's like, say it's from that guy. Because he's like whittles or something. Say it's from Wilson.

It's called Operation Who's Your Daddy? It has something to do with Operation Who's Your Daddy? And he's got this thing going on with this delivery lady, too, or the secretary, who's like, he says, well, it's totally useless. It makes no sense. He's like, can you believe this out of the way in here? God confused me for Brad Pitt. Get it?

Is anybody, you laughing out there and direct a DVD? D. Lander, what? Am I all alone? There was also a scene. Closing night. It was also a scene where he talks to Jeffrey again and meets him to get a bear secretly in like a junkyard.

He's dressed like a Sith for him. We can't skip this because it's a direct rip from the first movie. It's the Jim Belushi taking him to the fraudulent toy factory. And where you would have the Belushi cameo, it's just the guy we already hired. He's using a voice

modulator from Scream, you know, and I was like, here it comes. This is it. I'm going to pull back that Sithhood and it's going to be Jim Belushi and this movie's going to be awesome. Yes. Not the case. Stupid Jeffrey, the toy worker. And he brings out a little person dressed like

an elf, of course. You couldn't hire... Where's Mickey from Seinfeld? Right. Star up this movie somehow. You could have even done Vern Troier. You know what? It's direct to DVD. We would have accepted it. So, yeah, there's a big sting.

And it's a weird, like, I don't understand when this happens in movies because it's kind of the same thing we're talking about with three men and a baby where, like, Larry, the cable guy and Santino are clearly somehow involved in the operation. Like, they're buying fraudulent goods. And the cop is just like, thanks for your help, Larry. We couldn't have bagged him without you. And you're like, no, he's doing something bad too. In the process of this, the elf, like, throws Larry because Larry's so. He gives him the old like Pull like pulls his arm and flips him around

Which is important because we have one of the greatest lines in the movie When it'll flip me I poop my pants a little I just poop my pants a little bit So I pooped in my pants Take out those bingo cards Did you have Larry Schitz's pants Someone had to the head

It happened It happened there I feel like that That donkey ride I took was like you're like oh my god is this where he shits his pants you're right on the precipice of shitting your pants but then it didn't happen and here you get the full shit

you do get the full shit and even later in the movie he says oh man I gotta use the bathroom that's when he's going talking about the secretary he's like all right there's the package it's for operation who's your dad also you got a bathroom

her is what you got a bathroom her is what he's This woman, and she's clearly disgusted. She's like, please go down there and let me never see you again. You got to toilet in here. Pull. For fun, try that at home.

Try that in your real life. See where it gets. You got a bathroom? So she's disgusted. And then so, all right, so the dude's coming down the stairs. She's like, hey, there's a package for you. The delivery guy said it was from Operation Who's your daddy. By the way, I want to raise.

Now I have a raise. because I know you're involved in some sort of illegal sex cult exactly. Larry follows him upstairs, finds the vault with all the toy dolls in it. It's a fucking three's

company gag. The door handle breaks and they're locked in together and I'm like, are they going to remember the first two acts of the movie now? Hey, remember that time I hated your guts and you hated mine? But no, it just turns out they both have pictures of the girl on their phone.

Well, this is where we have to bond. We come together. We realize we want the same thing with the best interest of the daughter. We want her to be happy. And, you know, Larry says his grievances with Victor. You know, listen, I'm the father here. Like, you have to respect that. You know, and then so Victor's like, but Larry, you have to understand, like, you know, I'm married to the mother now.

So I have to be able to, you know, lay the foundation for my relationship with her. The Hans Operation, who's your daddy? And Larry's like, who's your what? Yeah, that's weird. What a creepy thing to say, Victor. Because Victor says like, like, oh, like Larry, you seem like such a perfect father and stuff. And Larry says like, what? Perfect dad.

Huh? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me just soak this in for a second. No one's ever called me perfect at nothing. Only one time. Perfect fuck up. Wait, you mean feeding your kid, processed food, four meals out of three, makes you a perfect dad? Yes, so. Hey, pretty cool.

Wow, this is easier than I thought. Hey, cool. Somehow this scene descends to him talk. Another little thing about, like, I don't take handouts. I don't owe any debts. I keep myself to myself. I'm a loner in the woods. Exactly. You don't have any debts.

You don't take handouts because you live in the forest. Illegally. He probably lives in a national park. One day a forest rangers. going to come by, knock on the shed, and he's going to shoot him in the face. If we didn't all fall asleep to that Ken Burns dock, the last act of that doc

is Larry's enchanted forests. In southern Florida, there is a national park where a fat man lives. Zooming in on a tree very slowly. Oh, and the gentle rain. Zooming out on

a rock very slowly too. They used to think that he was the swamp ape. the legendary as well. Turns out he's just a man. Turned out it was just a millionaire, successful stand-up comedian living in the Swamp? Swamp

ape or skunk ape? What? Skunk-Ape? These are some like Bigfoot legend down in the panhandle. Is he a millionaire? I mean, probably, yeah, Larry's probably a millionaire. He does the

Parlius, he does the Prilusk thing. He's not a millionaire because he does I think that was the cherry. To you, he's got a castle with a moat. I guarantee it. The big Confederate flag. Well, no, that's the thing. It's not because this whole thing is an act. His name is Dan Whitney, which, by the way, I mentioned this when we were off the air.

But at one point where he's playing this homeless man, and I think it's when he's chastising that ex-girlfriend over who broke up with whom. Right. And he's like, no, no, Donna, I broke up with you. Don't forget now. At one point during that, his voice, his Larry character, breaks. and he just starts talking like Dan and you're like did anybody else catch that?

He totally... Randy turned the cameras off. Why did you not, you know, why did you not fix that? It just totally... I know you had to do it at least 12 times. It's Larry the Cable guy.

He's not ace in his lines on the first date. Come on. We did 78 takes and that was the best one. So we go to the Christmas Paget they get out at the Christmas Paget

everyone gets wind that it was Victor Baxter the whole time. Right. Because his agent flips on him right away. Throws him under the bus on live television. This guy's finished. Another angry mob. The second of two angry mob.

The same day. This town is worked up. Dude, it's a bloodthirsty town, man. Because they're like, oh, no one got any Harrison dolls. We're going to kill that fucker. And it's like, oh, hold on. Hold on. And we're going to chase that troll back to the woods.

At one point, Larry does say that he's a troll. At the beginning of the movie. I was like, oh, hey, your stepdad lives in a castle. Guess that makes me a troll. Come on, donkey. Better go eat some hobbits. You're going to live under his bridge. Can I sleep under your bridge, please?

I got evicted from under the bridge. We had to move the trailer to the woods. So, yeah, Larry's brilliant idea is we'll roll up somewhere along the way, Larry, we'll procure a Santa hat. Sure. We drive this, you know, this FedEx van or whatever. to the town square. Larry has to fend the mob back with

torches and pitchforks. Opens the thing up. There's this guy dressed as Santa Claus. And this guy's thin as a rail. Larry should have been dressed as Santa Claus. How do you not let Larry the cable guy take a point on this information? I mean, isn't the cover of the DVD, him dressed up a Santa

and we never get it? You do get it. It's the... Oh, right, right. How could I forget that? Yeah. The mechanical reindeer seems. But this is... It should end on it. Like, I'm sorry, everybody. I thought this was a Larry the Cable Guy movie. A Larry the Cable Guy Christmas movie,

which means the final thing should be him dressed as Santa Claus. No, no, no. It's a Victor the Pervert movie. Always direct a DVD. Victor the Pervert does not have much theatrical appeal. So they're like, no, no, no, he's a good man. He's giving all these hairs and bear dolls to you right now. And it's like, what about all the people that didn't go to the tree lighting ceremony?

All the people, yeah, exactly, all the people that got screwed. Yeah, there's no way that everyone is attending this thing. Unless it was a thing where people on the, like, we're watching TV, like, oh, that son of a bitch bear buyer is going to be down there. Let's go cut his throat. They get my deuce. How does this even make sense to you? Like, oh, oh, I guess you bought all those bears to be a good guy.

And he held it off for Christmas Eve for some reason. Didn't tell anybody. Not a soul. I think it's, I think it's weird. You know what I'd rather do is have my kid watch me get this doll for free on television as opposed to like giving to them as a surprise on Christmas morning. Thanks so much, Victor. Like you're you're literally giving my child something that fell off the back of a truck on Christmas. Like that is what's happening.

I have to have the Santa doesn't exist discussion on Christmas day. Exactly. Who was that thin as a rail guy that's given out Christmas presents to my. John. Why was Victor the pervert Santa Claus? It'd be great if this whole thing just didn't work. And we cut to like a noose being tossed over a branch.

Oh yeah, no, he goes up like Stalin, man. Victor, run. Sorry, bud. And then we get run, run, Rudolph with some electric guitar. Oh, yeah. And he's running. Electric slide guitar. He's running and like freeze frames on him and the crowd chasing him. And then Larry

says, like, well, too bad your new dad got beaten to death. Good thing he left you. Oh, there's money. And that's how our family was reunited. It's Larry the cable guy in the pool. Felae Kaliki Maka kicks back in. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Trish, I'm now living in the East Wing. We haven't slept together in years. Grandma got run over by the reindeer is the most white trash Christmas song, right? One of them. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure Stevie Ray Vaughn has a Christmas song. So silent night? Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry. I mean, that is a real...

Well, well, she shouldn't have been out there in the first place, stupid grandma. Oh, she got run over done by a reindeer. Oh, nuts. Well, I mean, who could you blame, you know? Except for me and grandpa, we believe. Don't tell anyone it was the Buick. It was a reindeer. Oh, no, looks like Santa Claus killed her.

I know I do call my truck prancer. so whatever now it's christmas day they're all in larry's trailer having christmas morning oh no i got i got arrested for jerrysad we get we get these these these dumb moments of larry being like to victor like i think i think my daughter loves you i think we're gonna be an okay family we're gonna we're gonna pull through it's gonna be great

so what they do though and this makes no sense is They're like, all right, little girl, here's the present you wanted all year. And she's like, yay, and opens it up. And it's a Harrison Bear doll, which 400 of the kids just got last night. Like, why didn't you just give it to her last night? Yes. Why are you, like, no shit she's disappointed. It's what everyone was playing with.

Like, you're already done with it. She saw that you owned 10,000 of them. Yeah, well, real special gift. And they're like, oh, you didn't want that? She's no, I wanted everyone to be together, which is great because we are. But why are we ending the movie? So, all right, we're going to have a big family Christmas. We're all going to get together.

All right, we got two choices. Well, we could go to my mansion and have it there and have our personal cooks, cook something up for us. Right. Have some really nice top shelf liquor, you know what I mean? Really get her done. Yeah, watch, watch It's a Wonderful Life on an 82-inch plasma. Really enjoy it. Or we can go to Larry's fucking shack in the woods.

And eat dry stove top stuffing. Of course he burns the turkey. Why would you go to this homeless man's house? Like, hey, man, you know what? Why don't you come over my house? You could stay there for a couple of days, even. Get back on your feet. Exactly.

Offer him an extended state, not open-ended. Sure. But a nice, like, you know what? You're here through the new year. I don't know. He's keeping quiet on Operation Who's Your Daddy. I think you give that guy a room. Thank you very much, Larry.

You can have, again, the East Wing is yours. Here's a key to the back door. And the security code, you can come and go as you please. It's supposed to be a coat closet, but we can fit a mattress in there. You just see him looking up, like he gets the keys as the Christmas present and he looks up and he's like teary eye and his jaws shaking. He's just like, hey, cool. Hey, you mean, it won't be so cold in there, I bet. We also, towards the end of this movie, we also get a nice special effect shot, like a beautiful mining of this daughter's letter.

Oh, my God. That it's just like, that's the stupid thing. Oh, it's all moving. Now that I can think in my head, the letters are moving around to be. Oh, you wanted your family together is one. Oh, reading makes the letters dance. That LeVar Burton just taught me how to look at this paper.

And now I can, you know, I didn't make a lick of sense before. Now it makes two cents. Yeah, you see the animated letters just dancing to make what it actually says. That's so stupid. He didn't want a harrison at all. This was all for nothing. Bummer! And that's the end of the movie.

I was going to say it's $500 and his dignity, but I'm sure that's long gone. You know what, Eric, he was beaten by the best. Oh, man, it sucks. I got my testicle ruptured for nothing. Victor, you want to cover this? Cover my testicle surgery, please. I don't get no Obamacare on purpose.

I refuse to enroll, even though that program benefits me the most. No, because those pain killers are what made those fucking letters come together for it. Oh, I'm really tripping out on this stuff. My skin feels like water. And then the credits hit, and it's directed by Alex Zam, and there's not a lick of sin bed to be found. And I'm heartbroken. I'm not happy. It was a letdown.

I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. Now, this is what I said earlier in the evening, and Chris kind of gave me a dirty look, but I am of the opinion, as stupid as this movie is, there are worst Christmas movies you could show your kids.

Well, here's the thing, and this is one thing I will give this movie, is that you could have, like, because Victor is a pervert, you could have made him much more evil and, like, despicable. Listen.

The fact that you're, he's not a, he's a pervert if you watch the movie, right, you know, We watch the movie like we hear it. But if we actually, if you actually pay attention to what's going on, yes, he is a pervert. Yes, I'll grant you that, but it's not like totally down your throat.

So people will be like, he's not. He's not Dylan Baker in the car and the parking lot of the convenience store looking at Tiger Beat magazine. Exactly. That's implied. It's just implied. We don't see it. But I will say that I do think it's kind of surprising that you don't just make the. stepdad, a villain, and that

you were trying to tell people, yes, it's okay to, you know, let go. Like, when there is a remarried spouse, it's okay to let go and share the responsibility and share the love. That's, yes, that's the point that I'm getting at. Like, the guy's not villainized. He's not getting shot in the butt.

Like, nothing happens to this guy, which by movie law is obnoxious, but by kid-friendly Christmas movie, like, not so much. They stay divorced, right? Like, that's the other big thing we always have a problem with. Santa doesn't magically raise anybody from the dead, raise any marriages. Hey, Santa just married me and your mother again.

Sorry, Victor, Santa's law. Santa shows up, takes out a Bible. Aren't you as confused as I am? This doesn't match up at all. Hey, Shanna, you got the last five years of my life in that bag? Not for you. Take a couple of mistakes back. You know what, Larry?

I'd suggest you start eating better. Santa can see the future, you know. That'd be great if it's like the end of angels in the outfield and Santa's like talking. Like the little girl is the only one who can see Santa Claus. And it's like, your new dad, Victor, and your mother will be happy for years. Oh, but your poor father, Larry, he ate too many Twinkies,

and it's too late to turn back the clock. Oh, he has to come with me to the cornfield. So is there a worse Christmas movies that you can think of? One Magic Christmas is a worst Christmas movie than this. Sure. Yeah. It absolutely is. It's more depressing.

It's more realistically bleak. And I mean, pick any of the like Neil Patrick Harris before how I met your mother. Any of those Christmas specials. Oh, yes. Starship Troopers. Well, I mean. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I know. I know. I know. You love it. Starship tropers. He made a bunch of Christmas specials. There were a couple of them.

And like they're all like ABC family And they're all like just kind of quasi Christian and But that brings us back to like the start of the conversation Well yeah all the I don't know Some of those movies are better than this one A lot of them have to do with people that are too busy for Christmas And then they learn through the course of it

That they aren't too busy for Christmas Snap out of it Well you always you got like I'm sure there's ones like Melissa Joan Hart stars in aren't you surprised I grew up to think like this Yes So would anybody recommend this movie? Christmas in July, an American Carol. Do I take that as a no?

That's a, yeah, that's a negatory. I'd prefer the original film, jingle all the way. It's a given. It's a better, it's a better movie. No, it's, and why you would bother? Yeah. Listen to our episode on it, too, because we cover that one. That's right.

We did last year. But why bother? Why, why, why, why'd we go back to this? why this concept's been it's been almost 20 years since we made that last one and like Black Friday is still a thing obviously but it's not what this movie

is trying to get at I mean it could have been that yes it would have been an interesting angle it would have been something different because in 95 we didn't quite have the disgustingness that Black Friday is now so it would be interesting then to make your movie and have it be Black Friday Madness but and also like

I absolutely know for me but like two fairy two more happens yeah like in the movie itself more happens it's a better movie it's like it really is there's more going on scene for scene than there is there's just nothing going on in this movie other than him acting like an asshole

there's way too many scenes of him just going back to the same toy store and be like you got any more nope all right check back camari talk to you later when jeffrey at the toy store is your like second most memorable character yeah Yeah, that's a problem. Oh, that is Jingle All the Way, too, from this year, directed by Alex Zim. If you want to get a hold of us, check out the website.

WHM Podcast.com. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast. Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Clue for next week's episode, John Leguizama. Oh, gross. So that concludes the fourth anniversary episode of We Hate Movies. I want a little announcement here.

Just going to say this. Just going to just say this. More information forthcoming. But hey, Boston, March 21st, Saturday, keep it open. Just keep it open. That's all. It's almost said. Just keep it open.

Think about it over the holidays. Keep it open. The weekend after St. Patrick's Day, you really have no excuse. Yeah, you know, just keep it open. You know, I'm not saying anything other than that. Just keep it open. The hangovers should have lifted by the day. A little bit.

Keep it open. So until next week with John Leguizamo. I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Stephen Seda. With Cabin. Keep it open.