We Hate Movies - S5 Ep183: Super Mario Bros.

Episode Date: December 16, 2014

In the second-to-last episode of 2014, the gang tackles the oft-requested, yet never recorded, Super Mario Bros.! Why do we need all this life-of-a-plumber back story before we get to Koopaland? Did the cast really get drunk on the set to cope with making such an obviously terrible movie? And we finally discuss the cockiest, most awkward sequel set-up in film history. PLUS: Our depressing, "Dark Knight Returns" inspired ending to an aging Mario Mario. Super Mario Bros. stars Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Samantha Mathis, Fisher Stevens, Richard Edson, Fiona Shaw and, yes, Lance Henriksen; directed by Annabel Jankel & Rocky Morton. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you're new to the program, this is a little Christmas surprise for everybody. The oft-requested, yet never recorded Super Mario Brothers from 1993, directed by both Rocky Morton and Annabelle Jankle, directorial heavyweights. Those sound like hobos in the 30s. Oh, no, you hear Rocky Martin got stabbed in a bar fight last night? Oh, yeah.

Rocky Morton. And what was the other name? Annabel Jenkel. Yeah, she died to box car. Yeah, I was going to say, she died of typhoid on the Oregon Trail. I mean, this is one of those movies where, I mean, this whole month kind of with what with three men and a baby and this? It's just like checklist month. Like, okay, we got, we finally got rid of three men.

Now we'll just get it. It's just cleaning out our closet at this point. Exactly. We're just trying to make room for 2015. Yeah, here's your Mario brothers. Which it's, you know, we have been meaning to talk about this movie for quite some time. And it was like, do we do a commentary on it? Do we do an episode on it? How is this going to work? And this is where we found ourselves. Not necessarily a get it out of the way, but like a, oh, God, we have to watch this. We lost six months when Bob Hoskins died. Yeah, that set it back. That set it back quite a bit. And that's a disturbing place to start. But two of acting's heavyweights, both deceased.

and both slumming it in this movie. Of course, the other one is legendary Dennis Hopper. I would say two of our most versatile character slash lead actors. You know what I mean? Like people that could sit in either side of the table, you know, Hoskins and Hopkins. No, and Hopper.

Hopper. That's going to fuck me up all episodes. Welcome back to Hoskins and Hoskins. They're detectives and it's on TNT. But instead it's Mario and Mario in this movie. Yeah, I guess that's a good place to start. I mean, because everybody knows what this movie is. It's the adaptation of the video game. The loose adaptation.

Let's put that out there. Why make it so difficult for yourself? Like, just make a movie where they're in a castle and things are happening. Exactly. Like, get a castle in there, get a actual mushroom kingdom, and there, there you go. I was thinking this should have been sent, like, they should have been, like, sent back into the Victorian times or something. Like, when royalty actually mattered. And it's like, Dennis Hopper's, like, being a...

politician in this, yet he's King Cooper. It seems disjointed. I know he's a dictator, but I don't know. There's a bunch of elect Cooper signs, which I'm like, who, where is this vote happening? When are we getting out the vote? Like, this is a weird election season movie, but like he's doing a terrible job at campaigning.

It's like the fucking elections in Iran. It's totally rigged in favor of King Cooper. That should tell you something about the election results. Last guy, we turned into a bunch of fucking out of boogers. It looks 90s and it's Booger Man.

Yeah, they loved Boogerman in the 90s. There's so many boogerman. Oh, God, everywhere. So, yeah, we're referencing the the king of the fungus kingdom. The deposed king. Yeah, right?

Who turns out at the end of the movie to be played by Lance Henriksen for two seconds. That was Lance Hendrickson? It's Lance Henriksen. I couldn't tell. No one can. I didn't know it until this. I've seen this movie like 12 times.

I was on IMDB. This was right before he like sort of starved to death. And then got more acting roles. Exactly. Yeah, the wet, sloppy testicle turns into Lance Henriksen at the end of this movie. He had a big fire in his house and he had his costume from aliens. And he was like, that fire's going out.

I better feed it. And then he got a phone call. Like, we want you to be in the Mario Brother movie. Thank God. Oh, they God. It's going to be one shot. We're going to do it the hour before lunch. You're going to be mid-snees when we cut.

Well, that's good, though, because now he gets, he gets. his pick of the craft services you know he gets a free meal out of it get those dinner rolls put them in your pocket so one of the reasons why I like the first step on the path

of missteps that this movie goes down is the people who wrote it were so concerned about making the Mario brothers like New York Brooklyn plumbers like no one cares no one cares how New York this movie is

at all but there is a good chunk of on-location New York in this movie. Yeah, well, you start out with Brooklyn 65 million years ago. But before that, you get a cartoon, right? Did I see a different version? I never remembered this starting

with a cartoon dinosaur. I didn't remember it either, but it's way worse than Dino DNA from Jurassic Park. Do you know who's doing the voice of that intro for no goddamn reason? I sure do. Dan Castanella. For like, he says six lines. He's like, well, goodbye movie. It's like, all right. And he's putting

not a bad New York accent, too. So here's the deal. It's Brooklyn 65 million years ago, right? And there's all these dinosaurs running around. Shut up. Just get to the friggin Englishman and the Puerto Rican gentleman playing the Italian

brothers, please. It's a cartoon. And then like, we all know how the dinosaurs were extinct. Well, some of the dumb kids that play the Mario Brothers don't know. So we're going to teach them a lesson. Educational. We're also dealing with, with a split dimension,

so we've got alternate universes going on. Just, just... Maybe it's a time trial. Maybe Mario and Mario are from Naples. Mary and Luigi are from Naples, two plumbers. They're plunging a toilet. Oops, we go down.

We're in a mushroom kingdom. And it looks a lot like the mushroom kingdom you'd expect. And shit happens and then it's over in about 72 minutes. I saw the runtime for this movie, which is an hour and 45 minutes. And I just screamed out in my own house.

How? How could you do it? Because we just keep dragging stuff out, like seeing Mario and Luigi going on dates, seeing Princess Daisy abandoned at a nunnery, where she hatches from an egg. You're telling me those nuns wouldn't strangle that devil baby? Absolutely. That's Beelzebub. Baby came from an egg.

I think that's somewhere in Revelations. They would send it packing. So that's where, like, the live action part of this movie starts. So it's like 65 million years ago. and then we move up to 20 years ago and it's this woman running from something you know she's running from goblins of some kind

we can assume they're cupa world goblins or whatever there's a lot of fake Tim Burton shadows all over the place I was going to see this movie is one part ninja turtles and three parts stupid because it is kind of like you know that kind of coming up from the sewer 90s New York shit you know drops this baby

off at the church stoop and all these nuns pick it up and then it's like an egg and you're like what an egg that's gross they i mean they would definitely be killing this baby when the baby at first they're like oh breakfast and then they see a baby come out of there they're like can't eat that breakfast and then we cut to the introduction of dennis hopper it's like this woman this nameless woman runs back to the you know dino universe or whatever I don't even know what to call this shit. Coupil world. What is it?

It's just stupid. Like basically apparently when the, not only, the meteorite didn't kill all the dinosaurs, it just transformed them into a different world, which is why would there be dinosaur skeletons? Like, could they just transform two dinosaurs there and they fucked and then evolved? Maybe like the first, when the comet hit the first wave, like took out a bunch of dinosaurs, but the rest of them were like zapped into the next dimension. Uh-huh.

And there you go. It's entirely possible. I mean, it's something to do with this comet because we see, or not the comet, but the meteor or whatever, later in the movie is like embedded in this other world. It's like the Stargate. Yeah, to combine the world, you need the meteorite piece from that was missing. I love it. So the exact meteor that killed all the dinosaurs is what hit Brooklyn, New York. Right.

Right. We didn't know that before. Didn't know that. That was the point of impact. Dinosaur genocide started in Brooklyn. And Princess Daisy is now a archaeology student at NYU. Right. So now we're in the present, 1993.

Right. Oh, and I think there was a, no, am I wrong here at the start of this movie when that woman is fleeing after dropping off the baby? General Cooper shows up to confront her. Oh, is that the idea he's in the dinosaur military still? Yes. He's got like a uniform on. And yeah, he hasn't ascended to the. the throne yet. Very interesting. He hasn't yet turned someone else

into a pile of mucus. Yeah, that's right. King gloopy testicle hasn't been formed yet. There was an actual 1980s or so. Kudita in this backward country in this other dimension. It was very funny. No, it was like 73, man. Oh, yeah. Why did, Dennis Hopper should have had a mustache. Like it was dinosaur 1973 and shit was wet out there. Yeah. And he should have been there get arms from the U.S. government to aid in his revolution. He's got

like a mop top and a mustache and a jeet jacket. You just you give him the costume that he had in that episode of the Twilight Zone where he plays like the new Hitler. Yeah, like the neo-Nazi kid. Yeah. Just have him dressed like that. That'd be great. If Cooper was

just a Nazi in this, I'd be all about it. Dude, there is straight up a hail Cooper. It's one thrown away hail Cooper. This like cop walks by a security guard and is Like, yeah, hell Cooper. Just like really quickly. Like, you know what?

If you're going to do that, do it. Yeah, go all the way. Just straight up do it. Don't give me one hile in passing. Like, I want it to be. Yeah, I want to do the full experience. I want like people bringing papers over to him being like, I'll spirl in my head. You know, and like.

Mine dinosaur fewer. Dino, furo. How, all right, here's the thing about dinosaur world and whatever the fuck we're going to call it. Yeah. Why? It doesn't make sense that if the dinosaurs would evolve into human beings. Like straight up regular, shemangular human beings. Sometimes Dennis Hopper has a lizard tongue. Sometimes he doesn't. Yeah, it's a real whenever they felt like it. And then sometimes there are like, you'll go on the street and there's like Babylon 5 looking fucking reptile people.

And I'm like, if I walked out the street, I see a fucking half Neanderthal. I'm like, oh yeah, that makes sense because that guy didn't get all the way evolved yet. Right. It would be like a full Neanderthal. It should be chimps in suits, maybe. Because there are like some, they're real dino people in this. There's a little dinosaurs still running around. Yeah, Yoshi is just a little baby velociraptor.

What is with that? Well, I mean, I guess... Well, we still have monkeys and apes. Yeah, that's true. But why is there literally one? In this entire world, we see one full out-and-out dinosaur. I guess we're led to believe, like, maybe it's a scenario where... If you see an ape in New York City, it'd escape from the zoo or something.

But you're saying it might just have an apartment in Brooklyn? Maybe, yeah. I'm a graphic designer. Yeah, I don't know. I've got a pretty sweet job in Dumbo. Touching up some photos. I still haven't figured out this, though. I do some freelance web work.

Why dinosaurs? Like, when you were playing that video game, were you like, oh, Bowser's a dinosaur? No. To be fair, though, Yoshi was a dinosaur, and Yoshi changed the whole fucking world when he came out. Yeah, you're right. It was Yoshi Island after that, man. And Yoshi's Island, one of the best and most frustrating games of all time. But it was frustrating, it was frustrating, but it was more fun than frustrating. Yeah. So you would gladly pull your hair out trying to beat Yoshi's Island. Now, which game entered Yoshi into the lexicon? Was that?

Super Mario Brothers for Super Nintendo. Yeah, Super Mario World, I believe. Right. Okay, so that's after three. After three, yeah. I'm just trying to get the timeline in my head. I'm no raccoon suit on Bob Hoskins, though. That's a real bummer. I ain't putting on the raccoon suit. You can forget it.

There's a couple things I will do in this movie. There's a whole mess of things I won't do. Number one, raccoon suit. They tried to get him into one giant boot. And he was like, no,

no, no. normal boots I ain't gonna sit in a shoe next scene I just love all the stories from this movie from many outlets so like Bob Hoskins

said that this was like the worst movie he ever worked on John Leguizamo said in a book that him and Bob Hoskins just knew how terrible it was and just got fucked up all the time which is man that's a documentary I want absolutely

and then Dennis Hopper also acknowledges in some book or something about how stupid this movie was. He was only supposed to be for four weeks, but was there for 17? Holy God. Could you imagine it? That's hell. That's a Twilight Zone episode. Why won't this dinosaur movie end?

That's exactly his character's experience in apocalypse now. That's a track on crazy islands. Got to play in that photographer again, man. This is freaking me out. Stupid dinosaur movie. Why am I wearing a leather?

tie. So, yeah, it's kind of the Luigi movie. That's a big problem for me, and I wrote, that's a note I have, is this is a Luigi movie, and Mario's the sidekick. Mario's wearing red throughout most

of this movie. Why in the fuck is it Luigi wearing green, and where's this mustache? I know, you know, John Luguzamo, fine. I think you want to knock this out of the park, you fucking get John Dutro. Boom. Done. Luigi.

You're totally right. Oh, you mean an Italian? Step one, find two Italian people. But somebody that's tall and lanky next to Mario. Now we're talking. Right. Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, John Leguizamo is not that much taller than Bob Hoskins, and that's an issue.

And, yeah, what is the problem? You can't grow a mustache? Fake one. Get a fake mustache. They've been faking mustaches forever, man. Like, go all the way back to Groucho Marx. That's like ground zero of faking mustache. Homeboy put that shit on with.

the grease paint brush. It was disgusting and people loved it. It worked. Yes, it worked. Because the character had a mustache and Groucho Marx's like, well, I better get fucking a mustache or else I'm out of a job. See, yeah. And the confidence to carry that mustache is also what you're doing.

Dennis Hoppers and cornrows throughout most of this movie. That's one thing about this movie I enjoyed. Yeah, his hair. Yeah. I mean, that's, what is that supposed to be like? It's just spiky dinosaur. storyhead because you evolved from a dinosaur That's exactly it. Everyone who made this movie is a moron.

Like the creative people behind this, the actors, whatever, it's a paycheck. But someone who is like, oh, how do we make Dennis look like he's got spikes on his head? I don't know, greasy cornrows. What are you talking about? You know what? I wish they went that way with Darth Mall. Legosamo can grow a mustache. You can see it in Carlito's way he's got a pretty sweet one.

Oh yeah, you're right. And, you know, he's fine enough for the movie, you know, like, I don't buy it. I think they wanted him to be clean-shaven and cutesy, so they make this romance thing with him and Princess Daisy, who, by the way, am I losing my mind? Or was it Princess Peach? It was always Princess Peach, I believe. So they're like, that's not a real name. We got to give her a name. What's like a peach?

I don't know, a fucking flower. Well, I never understood, and maybe this is the curse of, and people have informed me about this before, that every time I bought a new video game, I really should have read the booklet before I started playing and having fun. How dare you? Honestly, just like, I'm going to play with my, no, you better figure out what world it is, what's going on, what's the political situation. Dude, booklets and video games are just as useless as cards with Christmas presents. I don't give a shit. I'm going to throw it away after you leave. in great

but when when did the peach thing happen because I don't remember peach until I mean maybe n64 but if it's in did the movie then inspire it to be named that because then there's also Daisy yes who's like Luigi's princess

in later games oh so maybe that's where they're because maybe they just went that way because it's like well no Mario's already got his peach and his Italian Brooklyn lady there. So why don't we go with Princess Daisy

let this little romance play out younger brothers trying to get his princess million bucks. So Luigi's lazy and Mario's, like he's Mario's apprentice, which I don't appreciate. You know, get a fucking mustache and get a real plumbing degree, all right? Exactly. Just

be a plumber. And I guess this is another thing like because the age difference between the two of them is so much. Yeah. That's another thing. As much as you can say that yeah i guess bob hoskins makes an okay mario yeah but she doesn't but i mean i guess you could find worse marios you certainly found worse louisies but get someone who's a little closer to either john legozamo or cast john tuturo who is closer

at age to bob hoskins then you got a mario brother's movie then you've got at least the seedlings of a mario brother's movie exactly as it stands in the video game they both have twinkles in their still, right? But at this point Bob Hoskins just looks like a burned out old man. It's like the dark night returns of Super Mario. He's just like, oh, I got to go back to the mushroom kingdom. God

damn it. What's happened this time? I swore I'd never return. Like, that's, if you want to make that movie, that's where you cast Bob Hoskins. I kind of want that movie. Just like Mario comes out of retirement. Luigi's long dead, by the way. There was some coup. There's new political strife

in the mushroom kingdom. And he's like, I saved these people before. I guess I'm going to have to do it again. Exactly. One last job. His overalls have like an exoskeleton for his back that's all fucked up from all those jumps. Like he's got like Stone Cold Steve Austin leg things because his knees are all jacked up, which they would have to be. Oh, yeah.

And then he finally gets there. He gets to the mushroom kingdom and he sees a little mushroom guy with a mushroom hat on. And he's just like, what's the problem, little guy? The turlots claw. chop chop chop plumber we got your rate card from 1982 so that means it'll be 10 bucks right Mario he bends over the toilet to see what the problem is and his heart just gives out and he dies doing what he loved face down in the toilet yeah totally just facing that toilet water that cupa toilet water but it's so clogged that there's enough toilet paper in there that it's like a little

pillow for his deathbed and then they feed him to burdo man burdo was a character i hated that whole game that's the little pink purple thing in the second game oh yeah that's that's what that's the lesser game i would say two two is actually a dream in mario laur yeah it was it was a dream the whole time which is really dumb yeah that's another way they should go with these it should be always a dream every time they should just like the end of this movie they should have woken up next to like, like, you know, shrooms and be like, oh, well, Luigi, that was some harsh shit you got. Don't put those on our pizza ever again. Brooklyn accent.

So, uh, they get called to this job and it's, they miss it. And he wants, you know, Luigi starts chatting up, uh, Princess Daisy who he thinks is just a lady, Daisy. Who is a Samantha Mathis, by the way? Yes. Makes me just want to watch pump up. the volume all over again. Or American Psycho. She's in there for a couple minutes. Yeah, totally. Both better movies.

Oh, yeah. Much better movies. And it's really weird because, like, Luigi's all awkward too. So, like, Mario's, like, feeding him lines, like, ask her out to dinner. And it's like she could totally hear him. And this is the creepiest thing ever. They are, like, feet away from her. It's great. Well, it's weird. Why don't you go talk to her?

Hey, Luigi, she's pretty cute. Invite her over to the house. Hey, Luigi, looks like you probably like to have sexual intercourse with her. Hope she can't hear any of that. You'll remember the Mario Mario open door policy. I get to watch. Roger.

My house, I pay the bills. You keep the door open if I ask you to. Get in there and get to it. I'm tired. Give you a number two wrench. I'm going to tear your door off. And Luigi's

just like awestruck by her. your beauty and it's like just can't say anything gives your like hangs up the he's checking the messages to see if any any plumbing jobs which by the way they lost that on a plumbing job because they raced after it like an ambulance

and another plumber the Scapelli brothers get there first it's like I don't think that's how plumbing works how many plumbers did you call lady like you called us we'll get there exactly called them all whoever gets your first wish

Whoever can race against Brooklyn gets the rights to fix my toilet. Listen, and I know how that stuff works, okay? Like, if you do that and then a bunch of plumbers show up, those plumbers are going to be pissed off. You know what? Everyone's getting paid. Exactly. That restaurant's going to have some splaining to do. Yeah.

Don't do that ever. It makes no sense. Like, what are they on? They got like the Mario Brothers phone tapped or something? I had to pay a fucking locks with 60 bucks to not unlock my door one time because he showed up in my fucking house. It's like, well, that's it. I don't want the fucking lock union cut in my throat. Yeah, exactly.

It's like you pay the 60 bucks or you get a knuckle sandwich and then he shows up with some of his goons. Wait, so what happened? Did you just remember you had keys? No, the guy was. Oh, right. I live here. I was calling my super frantically. He wouldn't pick up.

I was like, I got to get my house called the locksmith. The locksmith shows up. Super calls like, you can't let a locksmith do that. I'm like, well, fuck. Because he would have to break the lock, et cetera, et cetera. So 60 bucks later, everyone's having a bad time. That's terrible That Scapelli brothers

Got there first Oh god damn it Luigi They did it again Schicapelli Too bad he's mafia He's with another crew He's with a different mafia Than we're with

It's two different mafias There are the right The five families You know what I shouldn't have to deal with though Is the plumbing drama Of the Mario place Just get to that goddamn dino city though it takes 40 minutes until we get there

yeah is it really a whole 40 minutes it's pretty close 30 35 it feels like eternity but what's great too is now there's this whole thing established with daisy here like she got she basically got kicked off her own archaeological dig by the

mafia also the scapelli man right who owns the plumbing company and also whatever real estate is happening here and that's why she went to go to the phone but the the mafioso actually told her that all these you know all these girls

are going missing in Brooklyn right she just like threatens her life you don't want to be one of them girls from Brooklyn that's been going missing do you years and this is like the summer of Sam everyone in Brooklyn

knows about this there's newspapers in the background about how young women are just vanishing off the face of the earth and what does the Mario brothers do they go hey ask her to get in the back of our van go for a ride

And she does it They go on a double date I get chatted up by a guy It looks like in 1993 John Leguizama Sure let's go out on a date And then it's him His 55 year old older brother slash father And his

And his like gumar And then just the 28 year old Gumar that he's with It's amazing And like she's just loving it She's having the best night of her life It's insane Is it because she's like a cooped-up scientist, so she's never had any fun?

She's desperate because she's like, by the way, I was abandoned. And everyone was like, wait, what? It's also the most interesting place she's probably ever seen. It's an Italian nightmare. This restaurant. There's all sorts of squeeze boxes and moustaches and tomatoes flying all over the place. Yeah, they got a band playing the Godfather theme. It's like, let us take you to the most Italian place you.

It's like Italian Disney World. This is like the inner sanctum of Italian Brooklyn. There's a sign that says eight days since a garbage can was thrown through a window. And it goes to nine. It proudly displays 364 days until the San Giro Feast. So, but she's like, they're like talking and I don't even, she brings it up. She's like, by the way, I was abandoned. And Bob Austin's like, it's like, it's awesome because it's like something about parents or

something like that and she's like yeah it's so it's so nice to see close brothers or whatever it is right and uh you know i never knew anything like that and they're like what are you talking about and she just so matter of factly is like oh i was abandoned and they're like ah like bob hoskins freezes with like spaghetti sticking out of his mouth well i know it sounds weird but i mean it's the only thing i have from when i was found oh i was abandoned the other thing that gobsmacks Luigi is the fact she says she says like oh you know

I'm looking at the dinosaur dig or whatever and Luigi's like there were dinosaurs in Brooklyn oh fuck you and then Bob Hoskins line after that there used to be Dodgers too and she eats that joke up everybody is knee slapping about that Brooklyn

Dodgers joke oh god that made my skin crawl the idea that you would be this excited before a relationship to go on family outings with this guy I'd be like if I'm Luigi I'm like oh this got wrong with this chick bro yeah she's possibly a little crazy

she's been hanging around dino bones for too long boy fixed they they uh Bob Hosk Mario who he's like 58 years old his girlfriend's like 29

but like he drops her off like what relationship when you're over the age of 20 are you like going out to dinner and then just dropping your long-term girlfriend off. You know what, Steve's chivalrous ones? Oh, yeah? I don't know.

Yeah, it's weird. Not even sexual, but you get it a whole, like, well, it's 8 o'clock. Talk to you later. Well, I'm gonna go to bed now, and you should go to bed in your own house. We're not married. Hopes you don't go missing. I hear that's happening all the time. Isn't that a grim thing to be hanging over this movie?

You know, it's supposed to be a little silly. video game movie, but now the threat of death is everywhere. Now we're just talking about the Zodiac. But speaking of creeps that are following women, Richard Edson and Fisher Stevens are in this movie. Richard Edson's the

dude from Stranger in Paradise? Yeah. And Paradise. Is that right? Yeah, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He's in a ton of stuff. Who is he in Ferris Bueller's Day off? He's the guy that Yeah, the valet. Yeah, the valet that's like what country do you think this is? Oh, wow.

He asks him if he speaks English. And he drives the car like the Millennian Falcon. Oh, right. Richard Edson's kind of my favorite part of this movie. Like, I think he's a lot of fun to watch. I love his hair cut. To do weird line readings and stuff. I mean, unfortunately, he's playing off Fisher Stevens,

which is just like the absolute opposite. It's not fun. It's not interesting to watch what he comes up with. Yeah. Those two characters are really annoying. The Cooper Cousins? Yeah, the Coupa Cousins. cousins like what what is that

why does he need a family well that's that's from the game that I thought those were his kids really from the game I don't know if they ever define yeah I think they are supposed to be as kids in the movie but there's Iggy and Spike and a bunch of other ones right I remembered them from Mario 3 like they have they own all the other castles

before you get to like yeah the big Bowser castle I always thought that they were like Cooper kids they might be Cooper critters but I yeah so they're two of the seven of those characters are in this for no reason. Yeah, and they're just comic relief, like, and they're stupid as

anything, like, like baby stupid. Mm-hmm. They're bumbling. And so they kidnap Mario's girl and do God knows what. Well, they take her back through the little Stargate back to their world where the rest of...

Here's the thing. These two idiots have been kidnapping all of these women. That's what it is. Thank God for that, by the way. That's a fucking flasher. but like a slasher they have a type certain age bracket like born in brooklyn or whatever and you know they want they're basically trying to get princess daisy back to that world because that's where she's from if you've been keeping up right they want the rock that she wears around her neck like a pendant so they can merge the world which i love this idea that it's like we need this one piece of meteorite it's the one piece that broke off when it crashed to earth it's the one broken piece as soon as we piece this thing

back together we're going to merge this shit how is that possible and how do they know that that would work would they be like hey you know and maybe something will happen well that's the weird thing is the other side there's two sides of the mirror right one side of the mirror knows everything

about the other and the other side is no idea exactly like what did they send spies to our side like how do they know anything about us I guess, Spike and whatever. I guess so. It's almost like this movie needs a little bit of a prequel set up or something. To explain, I mean.

Like Kupa intelligence officers slowly infiltrating areas of the United States to gain off. I would, that sounds better to me. Right. But that's what I hate about this is like they do make it this mirror world thing where like the Kupa City is just Manhattan to the point where they also. have twin towers. Yep. And one's fucked up, which is like creepily

Bressian for this film. But, you know, why would that be? Why would this Cooper world need twin towers? Why would there be, you know, why would there be cars necessarily?

I guess it's that idea of like, there's super multiple dimensions of every type so everything you could think of can happen. So it's like, yeah, New York's kind of the same, but we're all descended from reptiles

instead of apes or, Whatever. I guess it's best not to overthink. Well, that's the problem with this movie. Again, it overthinking, this movie is explaining itself the entire time. Yeah, there's not one line that isn't expisional in some way or another. Dennis Hopper is jackhammering through this fucking exposition. Just like chip, chip, chip it away, man.

You feel worse for Dennis Hopper than any other actor in this movie. He's got the junkiest lines. And he's the one that you can just tell, like when he's saying his lines. It's like, yeah, I'll say it, motherfucker, but then we're turning this camera off and I'm going home. You know, like, he's just, like, pained. I guess it's because he wasn't drunk. Yeah, he's sober.

Hoskins and Leguizama were possibly drunk through this whole thing. He should have got on that bandwagon. That's what happens when you fight sobriety. Next thing you know, you're making the Mario Brothers movie and you're suffering through it. Suffering. That is the trouble with getting sober. So whatever.

Daisy gets kidnapped. They go through an hour and fucking. bondage world because everyone's wearing leather, everyone's got dog collars, everyone's got shoulder pads. There's all sorts of daddies in this movie. It's like the whole police force is like a weird village people police force.

Yeah, everyone's got a mustache, leather ties, leather cuffs, by the way. Well, you know what, this is just a, you know what, this is a more progressive society. Yeah, sure. You know, like, yeah, they're open with it. They dress how you feel. You know what, if you're into BDSM, wear it to work.

Wear it to work day. at the Coupa Colony. There's an awesome line like when they find out they find out almost immediately that the Mario brothers are here and Fiona Shaw who is like Dennis Hopper's

like assistant or something in this movie, the right hand man here is like oh there's two plumbers here and Dennis Hopper turns around and says one of the dumbest things ever because I don't know why he would have this in place but he just goes plumber alert and like an

alarm goes off. And I was like, is this like the general alarm sound or is that the alarm sound for the plumber alert? Like, do we have a plumber alert in place for some reason? Oh, shit, plumber alert. Oh, my God. I never thought I would hear that alert. No, that's the Mason alert. Don't worry about it. Oh, sorry guys. There's just the architect alert. I guess because they're underground, right? And the portal is in the sewers. Maybe there's something to, oh, plumbers can infiltrate this world No. No. Just let me stop you there.

Nope. They immediately get hassled by an old lady because they're like the guys who are new in town. And this lady's like, oh, are you boys new in town? You sure don't look like human lizard hybrids to me. And she pulls out like some huge gun on them or

something like that. And then like this big lady comes in and like throws this old woman across the street. It's a very violent society. Throws her into the street below, into a car causes a major accident to happen. There's a gag in this movie that, like, car accidents are always happening because the cars in this world run, like, bumper cars on, like, electrical, like, pole things, like, sort of like cable cars.

Yeah, that's fun. Kids like that, right? Yeah, it'll be real funny, right? The cars don't have brakes. That's a great detail to throw into this for no reason. It's like our world, but they didn't invent brakes. Or gasoline. Yeah.

It's more progressive, I guess, you know, running on electric. You wouldn't have fossil fuel because everybody would evolve out of it. There's no fossils. No, it's actually incorrect. I'm sorry. That's stupid. Because that's what this movie doesn't do right, which is evolution, which is people die and then the next breed gets born. In this, it's like you've got de-evolution ray and like, I evolved from this kind of a dinosaur and you evolved from that. No, we all evolved from the same kind of fucking dinosaur. It was one dinosaur, and then we're all its progeny.

Yeah, it's like Dennis Hopper is like, oh, I evolved from a Tyrannosaurus Rex, king of the dinosaurs. But yeah, does that mean like someone else who looks like Wayne Knight evolved from the Dilaphasaurus? Is that what you're saying? They're viewing dinosaur species as races. Yes, exactly. I evolved from the silverback ape, but you evolved from a fucking orangutan. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

there you go. Now you can take up a fight with the planet of the apes because that also has That's how they separate stuff In those later apes sequels. It's all specious. Yeah, for sure. Why is the rest of the world She even says the old lady, she's like,

oh, you know, what are you? From out of town? There is no out of town. It's all the cursed earth except for this one city. Exactly. The Kupahari Desert, if you please. Just put Kupa in front of everything. I own the desert too. It's all mine.

But he's only been in power for 20 years. Remember when that desert had a bunch of names? Because it takes up 80% of this world. Yeah, it's never really explained what happened there either. I mean, there's enough explanations for things that don't need explaining. But like, yeah, there's no, I kind of wish that there was a whole world like, you know, a fucking dinosaur Arkansas. Ah, gee, much like the actual Cooper world. like where's the ice world

where's the water world do that do that that would be actually interesting if they went into this other dimension and they have to like cross the globe in this great adventure it's like

north by northwest but with the Mario brother exactly it's James Bond man we're going to all these different countries Indiana Jones all these cross and continents just like the maps in Mario 3 like you had that game out you know that you could do the Indiana Jones map

of showing the travel progression and then you can fight Nazis because creep is a Nazi because also and I don't know if this is a universal opinion but I always hated the desert worlds

yeah they were boring I always hated them desert's always boring they go to the it's the only other world they go to is they get stranded to the desert for four and a half minutes

yeah and nothing happens no except John Lewisamo takes his shirt off that's that's what somebody wanted to see somebody wanted to see that Oh, here's an obnoxious two words to put together. Mojo Nixon.

Man, oh, man. I never thought we'd be talking about Mojo Nixon again on this show after rock and roll high school forever. But here he is. As Toad, one of my favorite characters, FYI, that nobody cares. Excuse me? Yeah, Toad. Toad's great. Why is he as tall as Griff Tannen in this movie?

Why is he a big moral? Because he looks like Fred Gwyn Jr. Who is Toad in the games again? Toad is the little mushroom man. Oh, okay. Come on, didn't you play Mario card? At least? At least? At least? Yes, I did.

But, you know, once you become a man, you leave childish things behind. I'm sorry. It's not your little Star Wars adventure. Sick burn. Yes, yes. But, you know. Yeah. You guys play in more worlds than I do.

That's fair. Yeah, that's right. I'm a child. I'm wearing a comic book feature that now. He actually is, folks. Um, he's just, he's so obnoxious in this movie. He's like, well, hey there, Mario Brothers, I'm going to sing your song right now. Isn't a great?

I sure wish I was Elvis. Shut up, Mojo Nixon. Nobody asked you to say anything ever. You're the worst. And he gets arrested because he's like, you know, he's singing a song against Cooper. And Bob Hoskins, again, he's aware he's in a hostile world. He's almost beat up by an old lady. He starts shoving this cop because this asshole is getting arrested.

Hey! I can't arrest somebody for singing a song. Oh, you're going to arrest a guy for singing, just singing a song? Like, if anything, this, like, cantankerous Mario that you've set up in this world would be annoyed with this guy singing a folk song. Yeah, exactly. A politically driven folk song. Like, this Mario, this crotchety old fart of a Mario would be like, well, you know what? He's your dictator.

You got to respect him. You elected him. You respect him. That's how it works. You don't have to like it. You got to respect him. I didn't like that son of a bitch Lyndon Johnson. You didn't see me go complain.

Well, no, I went there. I went up to my neck and rice patties. You had plunged those rice patties. They're not going to go down like a toilet. Dude, Mario in this world totally would have been in Nam, right? Yes. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you're totally right.

That timeline fits. Because he's blue collar. Like, he didn't go to college. No. Went to plumber you. I was plumbing foxholes, Luigi. And, you know, over there in Saigon, I plumbed. A couple of other things if you catch my drift.

I have my own Princess Peach over there. If you know what I mean, Luigi. You want to hear any more, your big brother, Mario's Vietnam stories? I used the fireflower and burned a whole village. That's how I got my ear necklace. My war buddy was a guy named Tom Berringer. So they apprehend Mojo Nixon and they put him into the de-evolution machine, which is why I think that, you know, I was aware of mushroom people from those games. But they de-evolve him and he doesn't become a mushroom person.

He becomes a guimba. The gumbas in the games were like little mushrooms with feet and fangs. Yeah. But in this movie, because they're just like little bald reptiles. Yeah. There's like more lizard-looking ones. And then there's like the round-headed ones, which are like, I guess, supposed to be the mushroom gumbas. They're all just beetle juices.

Right. I think the longer lizard-head ones are supposed to be like the turtles. Yes, I think that's what you're supposed to get out of this terrible movie. It's really stupid. Why are they eight feet tall? Why can't anyone wear a mushroom head? Yeah. Someone put on a mushroom.

It'll help me figure things out. And why are they all dressed like Soviet soldiers going through the, cold, dark winter. What is with these huge jackets? Do you think Shaquille O'Neal took one of those jackets? Like, hey, if you're going to throw those out, he'd fit snugly into one of those jackets. He's got a whole closet full of them. Just in case Shaquille O'Neal's got to go travel in cold weather? He's got to be prepared. Yes, the De-Evolution machine, which is, it makes no sense. It makes no sense. It's a punishment, but also a way to, like, I don't know, like, when did a dinosaur ever

look like that? That's not, you know what I mean? Like, that's not, and it only works on your head for some reason. Yeah, and if it only works on your head, though, why is everyone a feet tall? Are you just, like, converting a basketball team? Like, what? Because they're all super tall. Yeah. There's not

any short gumbas walking around in this movie. Yeah, you know, that's the problem also. You know, like, I need to see a head get jumped on. All right? Yes, yes. Someone's head needs to get step done. Yeah. Just like at least

have somehow one of these things get knocked down. And Mario's like, come here and drags him to the curb, right? He's got to... He's got to smash a head. Dude, if Mario curb stomped somebody, that's the... That's this live action version of stepping on someone's head in the game. And then it becomes like, unfortunately, American History X. And the Cooper Police have to like drag him out there. and then in this analogy

Luigi would be Daniel Vineyard Oh yeah he's writing a paper about his older brother Mario Until he finally gets Shot in a urinal Which is actually also poetic for a plumber Shot in a urinal That movie needs to shut up a lot of different times Oh yeah that's a shitty movie

I also don't understand why I mean other than the like reality that it's a shitty world why Kupa is so excited to break through into our world

who gives a shit he thinks he's gonna take over it but here's the here's the math fact yeah your fleet is only what as big as that city tops yeah you're not taking over the world you're not at all

you're not taking over Manhattan you are being murdered on the bank of the East River yeah my friend that is what's happening there are like 30,000 cops in this city There's no real guns in his universe. There's flamethrowers and de-evolution guns. That's it.

That's what fucking trumps that, actual guns every time. His head would be riddled with bullets. Well, I think that's why he makes the Gumbas as they are, because it's really hard to get a headshot on those guys. Oh, right. Oh, that's actually pretty smart. Also great body shields, human body shields. Well, Gumba body shields.

So they're also arrested. They're arrested with Toad. There's this scene where Dennis Hopper pretends to be their lawyer, and it's just like, what are we padding this runtime out for? Exactly. It's so useless. Like, just go in there and be like, where's the fucking rock already? Get this movie going. Hey, a movie. He's like kicking it from behind. Come on. But instead, he's like Larry Lizard, by the way, is his fake name. And I wanted to die. That sounds like a character on that Dinosaur's sitcom. It probably would be. Yeah, Dinosaur. Yeah. There probably was a Larry Lizard attorney-at-law. The new subtitle for the dinosaurs sitcom is unwatchable. Have you ever tried to watch like even 10 minutes of that show anymore?

I've gone back. It's wretched. You can't do it. You know what you do get some satisfaction from? Like first go back and watch like an episode and you're like, ha-ha-ha-ha. Then go back and watch the series finale where the Ice Age comes and they all freeze to death. Oh, yeah. Catharsisance. Watch those dino puppets. all just die it's great off you go dino bart simpson does it does it show up slowly like freezing it's like like winter comes and they're like from what i remember of it it's like it starts snowing really badly and the last thing is them like looking out a window or something and it's like it's getting so cold outside so cold well at least we have each other and it's like created by like and that's like the end of it they just die is that how the game of thrones is going to end you? Yes, I think so. Winter finally comes and everyone just freezes

except there's no family members to embrace me. Yeah, no one has each other at all. It's one guy looking out a window by the end. So they're in jail for a little bit, which is a lot like a puppy pound. Like it's all these like crates, like these fence crates that they're sitting in.

And let me tell you, there's got to be nothing worse than being prison neighbors with Mojo Nixon. Because he's just like singing these songs and playing this goddamn harmonica, which how is it not confiscated? Right. And he's singing all these songs about

like Cupa, like, your day's gonna come and all this shit. I'm here with the Mario brothers, they're bro. I'd be like, shut up. You know what? Someone give me the death penalty right now because you made me room with Mojo Nixon. And even he, even Mojo Nixon's like, they're from another world they'll devolve from monkeys. I'm like, how

do you know this? Even a fucking busker knows more about this fucking alter universe than the president of the United States. they are in jail for a very brief period of time because then this is when Coupa comes in and he pretends to be the lawyer. He's Larry Lazzard.

It's really stupid. The whole facade collapses within minutes. I know. Give me the fucking rock already. I think Dennis Hopper just kept refusing to continue that scene. He just kept cutting it off. What's also ridiculous about that is Cupa's face is all over town. How do they not instantly?

recognize him but pretty famous lawyer we got luigi Mario has a great line to Dennis Hopper in this when he says uh who's this cooper clown I need to talk to that goofball you'll really

want me to say to work goofball do you do you you really want when you say goofball it's another $50,000 for me to say fucking goofball well it's this weird thing where like this movie movie's way overly sexual, every which way, but everyone's talking like they're in third grade.

It's so weird. Get out of here, booger breath. And it's like, come on. It's like booger breath. And then Fiona Shaw walks around the corner and it's Jessica Rabbit's rack on her. It's so ridiculous. It's like, this movie is the, like, one of the best examples of how dumb the Hollywood rating system is. Because this is a PG movie.

And just because everyone's a booger brain and a goofball and a numb skull, you can do that you can call everybody all these names but then everyone can be boobelicious and bondage clothing and beating the shit out of each other that that the what big bertha who winds up having like there's something blah blah blah that the the african-american lady that throws the old lady gets the rock and like puts it between her tits and she's just like stick that ain't going anywhere like i saw this in the theaters and i remember like at the time like as a kid being like all right I mean, this, it's cool. It's, you know, I'm a little kid.

I'm like, oh, look at these boobs. That's great. What are they doing in this Mario Brothers movie? It's so bizarre. They unlock the dimensions. Yeah, I mean, Fiona Shaw really does look like Jessica Rabbit in a blue dress in this movie. Yeah. It's very bizarre.

And she wants to kill Daisy because Dennis Hopper wants to fuck Daisy. Yep. Also weird. Because he does like this scene where he's like, oh, I knew your mother and I knew your father. And then like. He's like, he has his Goombas take her away. He's like, I'll have use for her late. Like, it's a real like, I tell us, I use, a Dennis Hopper.

Yes. Seriously. Yeah. He's getting the nitrous out. Don't worry, Lorraine. Someday you're going to be my wife. Like, it's so weird. He's like forecasting his plans for this little 20-year-old girl.

I mean, you know, thinking about her father is the rightful king, it makes sense if he He wants to legitimize his crown. Oh, that's the only way you can do it. Yeah. Yeah, we cannot never forget the monarchy is at play. So, whatever. It's a Game of Thrones. It is.

It really is. So, whatever. They somehow break out of prison and steal a cop car. And then there's like this cop car chase, which right there, how are you not making a Mario Kart reference? That first Mario car for SNES was out by this point. This is 93, right? Yeah. The game of Mario Kart came out in like 91 or 92, something like that.

Maybe that was their, this was their interpretation of that, because it's just garbage every which way in this movie. Every which way they try to do anything is garbage. If you're trying to reference Mario Kart, then like have someone throw something out of the car. It's like the car weapons. There's none of that. It's just a car chase for no reason.

The Mario Brothers movie does not need a car chase. No, it doesn't need anything. And they've got all like these All cop cars are bulldozers Like none of this world Like at what point are we fucking taking the cupa Engineers out and shooting them? Like what?

Let's make something practical. None of this makes any sense And it's costing us millions of dino dollars. Exactly. I think this is actually the ugliest like alternate world or future world that I've ever seen. It's like an ugly cheap blade runner

is what this world looks at. It's sort of like the Stallone's Judge Dred but like because you got the cursed earth as well. Yeah, right. But it's like somehow worse. Nothing's hovering and like technology isn't even good. No. Like technology is backwards. It's not even like except for the jumping boots which we could talk about.

Sure. Yeah, let's talk about the jumping boots. Again, bad like hey, are we going to fix our car problem? No. We're going to make hydraulic jumping boots and that's how we're going to get from point A to point B. Not bicycles? No, no. Hydraulic jumping boots. Like every place in this city is like a bad Beijing intersection on a Friday, right?

So like, what do we do? Well, let's just jump over all the pedestrian foot traffic. It's so dumb. And everything's built on top of each other. So there's platforms and like we could just do whatever. So that's their interpretation of the actual game. Yeah, him having like a high jump as we do these

boots. You know what? I don't need it. I don't need him to have a high jump. If it means I have to have dumb boots. I need him to find a strange fruit or vegetable or mushroom inside a box eat it and then get like double the size and then

start ripping this place to shred like a Godzilla-esque monster. They make a split second reference to him like being like a big Super Mario in this movie. It's at the tail end when the universes start coming back together again and like

Cooper and like a couple of gumbas go to Brooklyn for a half a second and Mario's there with him. Yeah. And then like they pull the rock back out or whatever happens and the world's like separate again and they go back to the Cooper universe. In the shot of Bob Hoskins and the bad computer

effect of him like dissolving to the other world they make him like 10 feet tall for two seconds and then it goes away. It's the worst computer effects in this movie. There was a something on the IFDB where apparently like Bob Hoskins was supposed to scale the

the Empire State building. Oh what? Yeah he was Like King God. I stayed up all night, dying my underwear for this. I mean, again, I'm going to say, I wish this was Victorian.

I wish it was sort of like an Allison Wonderland thing where you can have weird moments where you can eat weird things and get big and there's these mushroom people. It's like goblins and gook. Embrace it because all we're doing is really, really bad science fiction. Let's just do fantasy.

Yeah, it would be better. Yeah, it would be so. much better. Because Mario Brothers is more of a fantasy world thing than science fiction anyway. Yeah. That's not the genre thing. You know what I mean? Like at least like the, it's actually the first video game movie ever

or the first one. And you don't even need this, you know, archaeological dig. Just have them like, oh, we're plummet really deep today, Luigi. Exactly. It's like a lion witch in the wardrobe. You know, they go through something and it's just like, what the hell was that? And

And then, you know, at the end of the movie, Gas Link. At the end of the movie, he's in a Vietnam War Hospital. His legs have been amputated. It was all a fantasy. It's like sucker punch. It's like a sexy nurse comes up to him and it's just like, oh, are you okay, Mr. Mario, Mario? Corporal Mario Mario, Mario. And he's like, do you want to be my wife or what?

Let's get married. I'll bring you back to New York. I had a dream where I was killing lizards and saving you. you're my peach now Vietnamese nurse Mojo Nixon's another guy there injured Yeah Mojo Nixon

He's wearing like a like a Like a hospital smock You know They got him his guitar He's oh thanks a lot for getting the guitar In here fellas I really wish I was Elvis Mojo Nixon wishes he was Elvis

So bad And you know who else is there John McCain That was a long hard road Mario my friend we're out now ready to get back on the campaign trail and here's your little brother

Luigi and it's a box let's always honor his memory hey um speaking of throwing up there's a quick scene where Dennis Hopper and Fiona Shaw are taking a fully nude mud bath together again because I got kids here I guess this is what I paid

to see not a fun little dino movie yeah we want something for the kids that's the Mario brothers, right? They want something for the adults. I want every father in that auditorium to be erect at all times. Fiona Shaw Mudbad. Yeah. Maybe she's fucking Dennis Hopper.

I don't know. I just came in now. What plans did my camera interrupt? Who knows? Man. Director Rocky Morton. Just that interrupted mud sex that was about to happen. Well, he's like, I love mud because it's so dirty

And so clean at the same time And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just dirtied this mud a little bit more. See, it's kind of brilliant Because it's sort of a, you know, harkening back to the primordial ooze, which we all. Also, you know, that just

There wouldn't be breasts. There wouldn't be genitals. There wouldn't be outside genitals because they're all evolved from fucking lizards. You're right, Steve. The Lord made them. The Lord made our genitals. You're totally right, though.

Why would we have booms and dicks? Because obviously there are eggs in this world. So what happens if he has sex with Fiona Shaw? Is she got to get egg pregnant? Like what? Is he going to spray her egg? And that's it? And this doesn't make any sense either.

That'd be great. That's what that mud bath is. It's just her egg bath. That's where she's dumping her eggs. And he's just in there beating. it to fertilize. Well, I think with like Lizard, he's spraying

all over eggs. Daddy wants to fart. Cooper wants to fuck. Cooper's going to fertilize your eggs. He's got that oxygen mask on. He's got, he's got opinions on beer that are pretty stiff. This movie could have used a blue velvet

reference or two, I'll tell you. Cal McLaughlin better Luigi. Kyle McLaughlin definitely better Luigi, definitely much taller than Bob Hoskins and a little closer in age. Sure. John Lig was almost a baby in this movie. Yeah, but can Kyle McLaughlin pull off

the Brooklyn? Probably not. It would be the most straight-laced Luigi you could find. He's like Luigi's back from Oxford studying like the super science of plumbing. Oh yeah. Like the next level shit.

He's working on some. real space age plumbing technology and he can use that knowledge to get to the next level the actual next level level of the level up yes you know what I hate about what they give Luigi to do in this movie is

all of the crap John Leguizamo has to spew about like you just got to believe take a chance every once in a while Mario all that shit he's like do-eyed and it's not that's not what John Leguizamo does no like I don't need him believe it in second star to the right and straight on until morning.

Just shut up. He's funny. I mean, he's a comedian. Like, he's a comedic actor. Make him, make Luigi funny if that's the case. Why not? So in their,

uh, escaping from the police, they like drive through a sewer or something and fall out into the aforementioned Kupahari desert. Uh, and we're just kind of walking around for a little while. The two idiots, Fisher Stevens and the other guy, are exiled there by Kupa for some

reason. He gives them super intelligence because the devolved the devolved machine works both ways. Now they're super smart but they're actually still stupid which is kind of fun and then they decide to work with the Mario Brothers so then they go to this weird dance club and I don't even know

where they got these outfits. What they put Bob Hoskins in. Poor Bob Hoskins. That's going to be another $50,000 you want me to set leg one in those pants 50,000 a leg I've done a lot of shitty movies

this is the stupidest fucking costume I've ever had to be in it's just it's like a cool world outfit and they're dancing and like he's hitting on Big Bertha Oh my God this is where we get the What was that song? You know it's Oh something something do the dinosaur open the door

Get on the floor everybody do the dinosaur Andrew's putting a bullet in his head Everybody do the dinosaur. This is like assuming, like, does, like, does their world assume that our world is all the pop cultures about monkeys and stuff? Yes. Like, oh, and clubs in their world, it's like, go ape. Let's go ape and dance. Well, maybe it was a thing.

That's the song. Maybe it was a thing where, like, one of the first ever dino research teams came over here, right, to our dimension. it was the 60s they turned on the TV the monkeys were on they went out to a you know a discotheque you know a club at the time everybody was doing the monkey you know dancing in clubs planet the apes was out maybe it was 1968 player the apes was out they're like Jesus Christ these people are obsessed with their own lineage you've pinpointed ape fever like that's the exact time that was the high watermark of ape fever critical ape right there you're that's probably when the intelligence squad came in.

That would, that's, there is your prequel movie. It makes total sense. The Soviets were still sending monkeys into space. I think China was getting in on that too. Everyone was, yeah, wow. We might have even still been doing it. We were a year off from landing out on the moon. We're sending apes to space.

They're like, my God. They even, they even expect these monkeys to be the ambassadors to the universe. They're sending them out on rockets. Let's get our dinosaurs put them into space. When I get back there, I want a dilaphasaurus on a spaceship, too sweet. That's an interesting point. What is happening in outer space in this alternate dimension? Great question.

Because that is the reptilian conspiracy theory. They're from the constellation Draco in another dimension. So it's like a double. So I think this ties in really well with that. That's a double dumb ass on us, huh? Yeah. I didn't know this was going to be such a crossover with blaming on outer space this week. Neither did I.

In this scene, so, like, Mary, she's got, Big Bertha's got the rock, and Mario wants to get his hands on it. So he walks up to her, she punches him in the face. And he goes, his creepy line is like,

oh, I like it, baby. Keep punching me in the face. And I'm like, dude, I've literally got kids here. Yeah. Like, really, I think we have to leave the Mario Brothers movie. Looks like you just gave me a one-up,

Big Bertha. Now step on my nuts. A one-up is as in the one-eyed monster. Yes, yes. That's, yeah. That's terrifying. Quick step on my pow. God.

Put that magical star up my ass. Oh, man. Now I can't stop running. Oh, I feel invincible with a star up my ass, Bertha. Uh-oh, here comes the water level. Where you pee on me. Everyone enjoying this family entertainment? Oh, you see it all the little hallboxy,

a little video game perverted by Baba Hoskins. Now we're up in the clouds. I'm kind of losing oxygen. Autoerotica fixation. Oh, man. it's just gross it's twisted man and she's into it she's like oh that's it

oh it's on finally someone who gets off on me punching them in the face I didn't think it would take a guy to come over from the other dimension for me to find true love none of these lizard men like getting punched in the face

you know what's interesting about that is it's two-way bestiality because he'd be committing bestiality with her and she'd be committing beastiality with him. Because it both be different species. But also intelligent, so that's weird. Wait, I'm sorry. Isn't then, by your definition, all beastiality, two-way beastiality?

Because if you fuck a horse, the horse isn't fucking a horse. Well, the horse usually doesn't have much of an opinion about things. All right, well, what about that guy in zoo who let the horse fuck him? Yeah. Is this the definition of star-crossed lovers? I'm not too sure. All I'm saying is, in that situation,

in zoo when the guy was coaxing that horse to fuck him was it the horse that was committing the bestiality or was it the gentleman who had to go to the I mean I would say both both are two way bestiality it is too it's always two a beastiality however one one party is usually responsible yes is responsible for their actions

right and subject to federal law but I will say that horse saw what he was getting in for and was into it I guess enough see what happens all we were trying to do was talking about this wholesome video game adaptation and this perverted movie got us so far off track

it's unbelievable we didn't know what was going to happen thanks a lot Rocky Morton and other person his wife actually oh really yeah a husband-wife team I read something that like

this dude considered an extra to not be dirty enough and then proceeded to throw hot coffee all over him that's probably what got him off that day I'm a burner I get off watching other people scalded by coffee

So they get out And then like they're gonna storm the Cooper Castle at this point I mean sure We also find out that There's this weird scene where Fiona Shaw Fucking cuts Yoshi's throat almost She like stabs him in the throat It's so horrifying

Again like here's your cute little character I mean it's a cute little dinosaur It's an adorable dinosaur And you know what It's a stupid fucking movie Make it green Why does it need to be brown? Make it lime green like the fucking

the cartoon is. Exactly. Give my kid something. You want to fucking jerk off in front of me fine. Give him a fun little dinosaur at least so I can stay watching your movie. Like give him or her something to

look at that is wholesome that they can take away from this movie and be like, oh man, I remember that time. My dad took me to go see the Super Mario Brothers movie. I don't remember much about it, but there was that cute ioshi and he was green and it was great and then they put it on and that person

is horrified and how disgusting this movie actually is and has their childhood ruin for them just like we did but yeah so like Fiona Shuck goes into fucking cut Daisy's throat she like takes out a knife and it's like no one could have my man etc etc and which why is she

so crazy about Cuba that doesn't that like comes out of nowhere it's a power fuck yeah this is like a good Gaddafi's bodyguard ladies maybe oh yeah that could be what's going on yeah that was

that got a little tricky too yeah you know like you just want you want to be with that power hey momar Gaddafi right just like King Cooper in this movie murdered in the street yeah that's true how about that

so she like fucking shanks him like it's Oz and you know she's like ah fuck like he draws blood and everything And this, it's left in him. I got to watch this little cute thing limp around. It's like,

I'm fucking tired. I'm hilarious. Mommy, why is she? Why? Just why? Why is Harvey Kytel driving that dinosaur around? You're going to be okay. Say the fucking words.

Come on, Yoshi's like kicking out this white car with blood all over him. then at the end it's so sad because Harvey Keitel has been caring so much for this dinosaur and he's killing all the other people that were on the job right and defending this dinosaur and you know if you have the laser disc and you turn the volume all the way up at the end you do hear Mr. Pink being nabbed with the meteorite piece

that merges the world so that's in the police's hands and then you know the dinosaur at the end has to say I'm a cop You told me you A fucking Dinosaur Cog! Fuck! Oh, no! Then he fucking murders him. That's true. I mean, so

I don't know, we're storming the castle. There's a lot of running to different levels of this, which is, by the way, his office is one world trade center. Sure. One dino trade center. Because we have to have the Twin Towers in this movie for no

reason it can't just be a castle it has to be the twin towers whatever what a big whatever and you know they're using they get Mario outfits like that just happens to be what the plumbers wear are Mario outfits in the locker room like they're in the locker room of like the security station and Mario's just like listen Luigi we better search through all of these lockers because I'm done wearing the zoots and we're gonna have to search through all these lockers because not everyone one's rocking the 52 waist. But how do these clothes fit them? Any elastic pants in there, Luigi, at least?

No one here's got a good pair of sweats. Guess dinosaurs don't need to take a lazy Sunday every now and again, do they? Yeah, these costumes fit perfectly for things found in a locker room. And fuck it, of course, Luigi wears his hat backwards, which makes me want to throw up. Oh, yeah. But that was everywhere, dude. That's on the poster. He's got his hat backwards.

They got the dipshit boots on. You just want to punch yourself in the crotch watching this. It says, this ain't no game. That was the tagline, man. This wasn't any game. Yes, this is nothing to do with the game. That's the original one. They shortened it.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the game that you're going to pay money to say. You know, it's going to be confusing. Let's just put that whole thing on the poster. But then, you know, in the marketing game of telephone, it gets edited, it down. Right. Hollywood politics. How, speaking of the World Trade Center, how does Mario or Luigi, how do either of them not say, like, we got to go into Bowser's Castle. Oh, look at that. It looks exactly like the World Trade Center. Why does this world also look like ours? Like, at no point do they acknowledge that? No. No, no. I don't, it just, it bothers me. Yeah, it's

bogus. I mean I kind of you know maybe I'm a coward but I go on one date with somebody she tells me that she was abandoned anyway she gets kidnapped by some dinosaur people I'm going to go back to the real world maybe tell the cops maybe

let the professionals handle it man I'm just a plumber. Yep that's you know what not my responsibility you know well no that's the thing is like he's such this like romantic like you said like doughy-eyed idiot it's like he thinks he's fighting for true love.

If anything, they go on a second date. He realizes he hates their guts. They have nothing in common. And he's done this whole adventure for nothing. And Mario's lady's been nabbed as well. He doesn't know that through 90% of the movie. You're right. You're right. But we're at the point now.

He's got the goddamn close on. He finds the cage of women at this point. It's, this is a... It'd be great if he finds, like, a room with, like, dino gold. like he's living like Hussein. He's just got like all these crazy Jewel's all over the place. What I love about when when Mario is informed that the girlfriend of his is in this world too, what he said like Daisy says to him like, what's her name like Gina or something?

She's like, oh, and Gina. And he's like, oh my God, Gina, I almost forgot. I'm supposed to take her to WrestleMania. What are you talking about? man this life is pretty awesome you're just gonna take this woman to russlemania when did you make those plans is wrestling mania tonight when this adventure is happening right now oh if it was you know if it was they should have when they combined the worlds they should have gone to wrestlemania

get a uh get it like a choke hold on cooper there oh yeah totally get a leg drop on them or something maybe the undertaker could take them out yeah dude joke slam i guess the plan was all right we're gonna go out to dinner what my brother and his new girlfriend, I'm going to drop you off. You get changed at your Ultimate Warrior T-shirt, and I'll go get changed in my Halk Hogan T-shirt. I'll pick you up. We'll go to WrestleMania. Starts at 11 o'clock at night.

Yeah, exactly. It's just such a stupid thing. I was supposed to take it on WrestleMania. What? Why? When? It's just so dumb. So, yeah, so they, you know, he,

Mario sneaks into this room, and they're all there. They're all freezing because at some point, Mario and Luigi turn off the heat to the building. He's like, yeah, well, freeze them out. Also, know anything about lizards. There wouldn't be any cooling systems ever because lizards like shit hot. Yeah, exactly. There's no need for air conditioning.

They're all dinosaurs. So dumb. Cold-blooded. All of them. And so it's a room with like seven of the greatest Brooklyn stereotypes of all time. One of them smoking, which I also found, like, whoa. Like even all the fucking tits in my face This whole movie

Even still a movie Fucking lights a cigarette I'm like whoa Hold on The cigarette is a gag too though Because this character is constantly Running around with the cigarette Yeah

Like they go through an ice tunnel On a mattress Huh And she's got the cigarette The whole time As they're escaping these two gumbas But in this scene When they've initially spring them

And go on that ice adventure There is Mario's hanging over the side He sees he's like, you know, he sees the ladies, you know, one of them notices him and it's like, okay, like, there's still guards around. They're gumbas and whatnot. Yeah. It's a dangerous situation. Yeah, sure. And this girl just screams up, hey, Mario, blows his cover. Totally. Oh, my God. Maron, am I right? Yes. Let's talk about the elevator scene. This is the

dumbest scene in the movie. And it goes on. Like, that's what, like, they keep cutting back to Mario and Luigi doing this for about 10 minutes of the movie's time right so like they at one point are reunited or they're trying to get reunited with Daisy at this point and they're in this elevator and then like two Gumbas walk in and then all of a sudden

like the whole elevator is filled with Gumbas and they're like what are we going to do and jogging love is like it was almost like oh I got it watch this watch this Mario watch this and he starts like shaking one and then they all just like he goes to like one at a time and like shaking them from behind

And then they all start dancing to this elevator music. It's the dumbest thing ever. But one of my favorite characters ever is in this scene. My favorite Goomba character. There is a Goomba in this movie with goggles on so big, he looks like Horace Grant. Like, it's just this one Goobah who inexplicably has these huge goggles on. No other roomba had bad ice at, I guess. It's just this one little Goomba's got to have goggles for some reason.

Maybe he was the pilot for the airship. I'm this going to use an airship I mean it might as well because it's all steampunk shit anyway Right Well yeah Kupa had like those flying ships in that third one Yeah Yeah

That's where the finale of this movie needs to take place They get to the top of the world trade center And there's a flying sailboat out there And they jump on at the last second By the rope just like Mario does in the game Right Then you have your big battle on a ship in the sky And that would work in the fantasy world

It's true. It's not like this movie didn't have money behind it. Like, there's money here. There's a lot of money here. You can fake a ship flying through the sky. There's totally possible. A lot of money you could see circling the drain through every shot of this film.

That money's going to clog that drain. Let me plummet. Oh, no. Oh, Maron, there's a, there's a plant that shoots fire. Why aren't there huge potted plants to try and eat you? That's the easiest thing in the world to do. Yeah, totally. Jim Henson on the phone.

Call up the Henson Workshop. Exactly right. Yeah. Lazy shit. Yeah. Because you know why? You know why? Because giant plants that

eat things aren't sexy. It's not going to fit our sexy leather daddy Mario Brothers movie. Wait, wait, wait. Is the potted plant going to piss in anyone's face? No. All right. Not doing the potted plant.

Get Henson. the phone tell him he's fire no no no no don't tell him he's fired tell him to drop dead he what oh mercy so then we're having like it's back and forth and running around he's got something it's somebody else takes it it's such horseshit we wind up we break off uh Mario's gonna Mario's gonna fight Cooper and he's like all right right, I'm going to pretend I got the rock. You go get the rock from Fiona Shor. And she's got it.

And she's like trying to stage a coup of some kind. And she's like running. Is that what she's doing? She's like, oh, if I'm the one, and it doesn't make any sense, if I'm the one that merges the dimensions, I will be the ruler of the universe. Again, without an army, without any kind of. Oh, no, that's he-man rules.

Sorry, it doesn't work in the Super Mario Brothers. first one there first one who puts their hand on bass wins so she goes and like Daisy and Luigi chase after her and this is when she's like she's about to put it in like

don't do it don't do it she makes a speech and puts it in and fuck it gets disintegrated it's incredible you got some you got some see-through electric skeleton you can see through her skin at one point

a little forced lightning she gets shot against this wall and it's just a skeleton Yeah. It's like an Indiana Jones death. It's amazing. Again, not appropriate in a PG-rated kids film. And then they laugh about it. What do they say when she gets electrocuted? Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. You just saw a thing, a person just get fucking disintegrated. I'd throw up. Yeah. Like even if she was a bad person, even if I saw Hitler melted in front of me, I'd be a little sick to my stomach. Sure, because it's gross. Exactly. And the way that they make this skeleton look to this. prop department. It's not just like a toasted skeleton. Like it's still a wet skeleton. It's not bloody. Right. And the jaw has to drop open. Yeah. And she's still got her earrings dangling off of her skull somehow. It's pretty violent. Yoshi limps into the frame and spits on her. Spits a shell out at her. There is one scene where he limps into the king's throne room and Daisy's there,

talking to that dangling, gooey testicle and is like, you're my dad, this is interesting. Let's have a one-sided conversation with this gross prop. And then another prop, the dinosaur puppet walks in and is like, ah, it's like choking on its own blood. Like David's Penguin. He's about to fall face first into a pool. And like, Daisy just goes up and pulls this dagger out of this little baby dinosaur. and it's like, rea.

Like, it's another, like, struggling noise. It's just brutal. It's really too much. I remember at the time, like, as a kid watching in the theater

being like, oh my God. Like, I was, like, legitimately worried for Yoshi when he stabbed in the throat, you know, and then he pulls it out. I was like,

no, no, pull it out. I know that that makes it worse. I've seen action movies. We're going to have to put Yoshi down. I had the memory of Yoshi actually dying in this movie, Glad didn't happen. But I was so traumatized, I must have just thought, like, my God, it's dead.

That puppet's dead. Listen, we're going to kill Yoshi in this movie. So those kids know all bets are off. First frame, Yoshi's dead. So people are going to say, it's gutless. We're going to be, you know, it's going to be another gutless kids movie. Not this movie. It's going to be sexy.

There's going to be death. The main character is going to die. People are going to know that the Marios are in pairs. kids are going to come to this movie and we're going to take him out back and show him what it's like real world this ain't no game oh wait i just got the tagline that's it call the poster guy that's what cooper says when he's taking his dick out oh this ain't no game man this ain't no game i'm not playing around junior so mario and luther mario are fighting for what must be 28 minutes. It's like a WrestleMania fight.

Like, Cooper goes down on one knee, huffs for a while. Wow, I feel like I'm in WrestleMania. I didn't even have to take Gina. Is this when the worlds are mixing a little bit now? Because she put the thing in. Yeah. So that's when we also get the Cooper Towers merge with the World Trade Center. And it's awkward and uncomfortable.

It's exactly what I saw on September 11th. Very odd. But also, so Dennis Hopper and Bob Hoskins and a couple of gumbas, like, show up at the dig site. And that mafia guy is back, Schapelli, he's back there. And Dennis Hopper is just like, stupid monkeys and shoots this mafioso with this ray gun and just turns him, he makes him hail to the chimp is what happens. Yeah, just a chimp in a suit. Love it. But also, by the way, the guns are superscopes.

Oh, right. Yeah. at a little product placement. But so this guy, this weird guy with a weird haircut, shows up with five monsters and shoots this other guy, turning him into a chimpanzee in front of a hundred people. And everyone starts laughing at the guy. They're just laughing their asses off at this.

I would be so terrified. I couldn't even begin to tell you. My hair would go white and I would run to the hills. It's a tragedy, a terrifying tragedy. and these people are just he hawing about it it's so, oh my God why wouldn't people start running

like have a scene where it's like finally my time on earth has come and he's like running around let him cause a little bit of havoc he is on our earth plane for like less than 60 seconds and then they pull the rock back out and he's like

fuck it's over with already it's such a waste of time don't even do that And if you're going to do it, don't have people laugh at a man being transformed into a monkey in a world where there was no pre-established magic. You would throw up. You would definitely throw up. Oh, my God, did he just? You would be horrified.

Yeah, you're seeing a grown human man quickly, but morph violently. Yeah, into a different thing. Oh, my God, yeah. And he's like throwing up all of his excess bones that he used to have. Because it's got to go somewhere. It does. It's just going at both ends. It's just like he's on this pile of just...

Wow, I never tried this on a human before. What a mistake. How horrific. Why are you laughing? Oh, my God. I'm scared of what I just did. Meanwhile, there's a hole in the World Trade Center. Stop laughing.

I know. Stop laughing. Oh, my God. So then we go back. That's the breather, right? That's the WrestleMania breather. Because then we go back and we're fucking fighting for another 15 minutes. That was our moment with Paul Bearer running around.

That's the part of the ladder match where they both get on top and they're about to get the thing and they both fall over for 41 minutes. Yeah. And before they travel into our dimension briefly, Mario sets off a little bambom. Yeah. It's a wind-up thing and it's going, this is the cheapest. prop. Like, it looks like someone bought this from a child's arts and crafts fair. Yes. Like, what's that

piece of shit? It's a bomb for Mario. Perfect. I'll put it in my movie. I'll give you 25 cents for it. There's nothing wrong with a cutesy bomb, but it looks so, so cheap. It looks like garbage. And it starts walking, and it just falls through a grate. And then

Dennis Hopper's got that great. Screwed up again, plumber. I love that he treats Mario and Luigi, like, his, like, lifelong rivals. He's known them for 36 hours. Not even. I don't even think they're gone for a day. And for 80% of this movie, they don't have what he wants.

They very rarely have what he wants. They're just unwanted immigrants. Exactly. Hitler's like... No, that's great. But seriously, same difference. Cooper is like George W. Bush. Like, he's just running off bad information.

after bad information and believing all of it and wasting all of these resources chasing ghosts it's insane well you know you have to chase them because when you turn your back on them they come at you that's right when you put your back on them in the haunted house they start coming at you with their big sharp ghost teeth those always confused me well they're scary at this point we both use our super scopes on Kupa he turns into a big scary dinosaur and then turns into a puddle as shit and it's like wow what a great movie what a final act this was

and the mushroom king is using his funk he's like all the fungus growing throughout the entire city is like part of him I think is the idea so he like moves the babam through his apparatus that is his body and to the appropriate

appropriate place and Kabumi we're getting done with the moon. What doesn't make any sense though is they say at one point that and I think I'm remembering this right that the king was Cooper's like first subject to go through the de-evolution machine

yeah right? Why is it that when Cooper dies the king just turns back into Lance Henriksen? There's no he didn't cast a spell on him right it's not like there's a beam at Kupa Tower De-evolving everyone.

Like goes back. There's none of that. That must have been a reshoot of some kind because no other characters talk about it. When Daisy is like, oh, I got to stay on my... She's never like, well, my dad's here. She never says my dad's back. Yeah, she doesn't know. Some test screenings are, what the fuck about that king?

And they're like, well, I don't know. Hire Lance Henrickson. How much could it cost? The phone rings and they're like, Lance, this is the producers of the Mario Brothers movie and he's like, had a plot hole, huh? Yeah, we're releasing this movie in 48 hours. Could you, I mean, it's such a horseshit scene, and you're totally right.

I didn't think of this, but, like, at no point is it ever, like, you see them reunited, and he's like, thanks a lot, Mario Brothers, for saving my kingdom. Right. Where's my daughter? Where's the Star Wars metal scene? Yes, exactly. None of that. Why put it in?

It's not making the movie better. It's making it worse. Nobody cared about that ball sack king anyway. No, no one gives a shit. Why would you? I came here to see two idiots in red and green jumpsuits jump on things. No. But that's the one thing I don't get.

I get all other stuff I never thought I'd want or need in a Mario Brothers movie. Speaking of things you never thought you'd want. So we win, right? We're all, Daisy's going to stay. She's like, I have to rebuild this lizard world for some reason. I have to stay. I'm a lizard person. I can't live on earth.

I'm a lizard person. right what do you want for me so it's also like she's this you know she just she realizes she's from royal blood in this country that is now reverting back to like her oh you think she's seeing dollar signs oh big time oh yeah see all those dino bucks she'll be a freedom fighter to regain her throne this is game of thrones you know what's weird um calisi man she'd be She came all the way on the other side This dinosaur She's got a little dino friend

Yeah, you're right Luigi would be Carl Drago at this point Good, that means he'd be dead soon You know what's weird Is that So at the beginning of the movie We're told that Princess Daisy

Hatches from an egg Yep So we're showing it man We see a baby come out of an egg Yeah, right? You'll believe a man could fly But all throughout the movie when Dennis Hopper's like yelling at her

like he hates humans and when he yells at a human and wants to be derogatory he calls the monkeys yeah right stupid monkeys yeah but he's constantly referring to Daisy as a stupid monkey

yeah so she's a stupid mushroom but is the king a human I think the two I think there's two races of quote unquote humanoids

okay let's call them that sure the lizard descendants, which is like Cupa and his overthrow of the mushroom you know, the mushrooms are like the aristocrats. Wait, so I'm to believe that people

in this world evolved from mushrooms as well. Yes. That's the only way that king makes any sense, right? Which is why I didn't know that guy was towed. I mean, why would he become a lizard? He should become a mushroom. He should become a mushroom. But then why does Daisy Hatch from an egg if she's a mushroom? Oh, you're right.

Oh, is the mother? The mother's a lizard person. Yeah, she's a hybrid. I guess when you think about it for a second, it makes total sense. Sure, it makes a ton of sense. What doesn't make a ton of sense is so she's like, goodbye, Mario Brothers. I've got to stay now. My planet needs me.

And Luigi's like, but come on. I was here all the time. You're not going to come back and be my girlfriend. It's this weird. Like, you're going to be my girlfriend, right? She's like, yeah, we went on one date. Mario's got two extra tickets to WrestleMania. It starts at 20 minutes at 4 a.m.

Come on We'll never have to leave Mario's side For the rest of our lives Don't you want to come and live In a small Brooklyn apart With me and my brother And Gina By the way Daisy

He loves keeping the door open I don't know I told you about Maybe I should tell you that Before you give up your palace So they go back Like Mario's like Forget it Luigi

She's gone She wants to be an aristocrat Let's go It's dino towel And so we get a little like whatever Four months later She's making She's making spaghetti

Obviously And Luigi likes to watch Trashy TV Specifically it's like trashy TV Like Unsolved Mysteries Nobody believes in it Because like at first aliens And then it's this guy

Reporting on what happened at the construction site And I'm like No no no this is every news outlet ever Because somebody was turned into a monkey Yeah it's not the National Inquirer TV show. No, it's everybody. Tom Brooke, the man was turned into a monkey today.

Sue Simmons is down there. You know local New York affiliate reporter Sue Simmons is going to be there. What the fuck are you looking at? Chuck Scarborough is definitely there. Oh yeah, eat up that story. Chomping at the bit. Peter Jennings was still around at this point.

He's down there. Oh yeah. Ted Cople. A wet behind the years Brian Williams is there. Young Buck of Brian Williams. That's a great comic book series. Brian Williams, Cub reporter. It's all about, like, how he begins.

There's nothing worse than when little kids play reporters and things or, like, work for school papers. I hate those characters and things. Yeah, so it's being reported. This guy's got the worst line in the movie. Oh, yeah. It's just, he's like, the Mario Brothers saved the day here. You might as well call them Super Mario, brother. And it's like, no, you might as well not.

I think a bell starts ringing somewhere on the soundtrack when that happens. They would be like world famous, at least to some degree. I mean, Louie, trust me, Luigi would be out there. You forget who Daisy was at this point. He would be selling T-shirts about this, you know, the whole thing. They would be brazenly trying to capitalize off of this. Well, because they're terrible at running their plumbing business. They're like, he says something about like the rent is three months overdue.

Yeah, they're in real hot super. in this movie. I don't even have time. You know what, Luigi, we don't have time to save your girlfriend. We really need plumbing work. Exactly. And so we're having this dinner and then it's the scene we've made fun of for years on this show. I would say it's an iconic scene. It really is so bad and so left field. Knock on the door, who is it? Door barges open. It's Daisy in like pseudo fatigues. She's got a gun in her hand and it's like you're never going to believe this sequel

time go on we gotta go back see that's the thing is this was the biggest ball in the air we're going to try to hit that next ball as it's dropping because we want that sequel and it's the biggest failure because you're so you go so for it to set up a

sequel yeah and it's just you fall so far from that goal you really do successful movie I mean you might as well leave it so where they're like you know Luigi's like oh maybe I'll visit you sometime there you go that's all exactly exactly so now I grew up without having

any closure that's that's the sad thing Eric you that story's never going to get finished the mushroom kingdom forever in peril all my favorite characters from the mushroom kingdom just forever in limbo you know that Yoshi's finally really dead oh yeah they would go back right

so it's like the first the first like couple of scenes is like explaining what's gone wrong in the mushroom kingdom right and then they like they have a resting night it's like all right let's go back to the castle we'll regroup hey where's you my best pal yoshi oh uh and then they just turn it to it's a yoshi war memorial

died during the the great bowser coup you know they actually just bronzed the dinosaur corpse that's sad it is sad and this movie I had never known until this rewatch has an end credit

like stinger scene I never knew this. You texted me last night, I almost fell out of my chair. I just saw this as a kid because I watched the end of that. I was loving the soundtrack. With the song written for the movie by, what is it, rock set? I think it's Roxette. I mean, no one ever heard of this woman ever again.

It's one of those things I hate where it's like, this song has nothing to do with anything. Nope. And it's just like a pop song. Follow your love. the end of your dreams and you're just like what no you know what it's 1993 get mc hammering here and have them rap about the mario brother absolutely the adams family new to do it god damn it rock set stupid love ballad but so then we get this stinger which i had no idea about oh my god it's like these japanese like you know nintendo executives yeah they're in the set of the mire brother's house

I think. Yeah, they're in the Mario Brothers apartment. And they're like proposing a video game to the Cooper Cousins. It's so dumb. And the way they play it too. Well, no, are the video, aren't the Cuba Cousins proposing to the Japanese? No, no, no, no, no. The Japanese businessmen are like, listen, we'd really like to make a video game of your life and all your

crazy adventures. What do you think? And it's all shooting these two Japanese actors. So you're like, oh, ah, ha, ha. They're talking about making the Mario Brothers game. and then the camera pans and the whole joke is you're expecting Bob Hoskins and John Logizamo and it's Fisher Stevens and the other guy and they're like yeah sounds great how about you call it though and then it's just like they do a bunch of dumb names and then it goes to black yeah I mean

why it's why it's Richard Edson and Fisher Stevens is because they're like oh it'll be great and then we'll have Bob Hosson no no Bob wrapped um Bob isn't coming back you know I thought last week you told me that's a rep on Bob you want Bob to come back and do your stupid fucking stinger scene well that's going to be

another $50,000 that's right you knew my price 50,000 big ones we were going to invite Bob back but we're actually in several lawsuits with him right now it'd be really awkward to have him come back just a couple of lawsuits

you know what if you can't get the two of them to do this gag scene. Don't do it. Don't do it. You know what? Don't do it. You know why? Because all the kids have been dragged out of the theater by their parents at that point anyway. Who's that joke for? The projectionist waiting for the film to end. Or just figure out a way to do with that.

Maybe we're in Nintendo headquarters in Japan and they pull up a newspaper and like, say, hey, this is an idea. Yeah, exactly. That's fine. And then that's it. I mean, it's Brooklyn Plummer Brothers. Well, hey, that sounds super. Also, are Spike and Iggy coming back to Mario and Luigi? Look, we have this huge business meeting.

Can we use your apartment for a couple of hours? I would know. I would love if they were hanging out and Mario and Luigi had to go on a plumber call. And they're like, if anyone comes here looking for us, just tell him that we'll be back soon. Okay, okay. And then these businessmen come over and they're like pretending to be Mario and Luigi. Like, yeah, sure. sign this video game contract.

And that's Mario Brothers. Super Mario Brothers. Would anybody recommend... If anyone hasn't seen this movie, would you recommend someone takes the time out to find it and watch it? You know, I kind of would. I was weirdly, like,

I didn't enjoy it. It's a bad... It's one of the worst movies. It's a really... I kind of find it fun and stupid and silly, even though it's so ill-conceived. I mean, that's kind of the thing. It's just like,

watching this onion peel back here, like, wait, what? Why? Newd mud baths. I think it's weird enough that it's kind of a weird side recommend for me. Yeah. I would say, skip it. I don't think I need to go further than that.

That's fine. I mean, you know, skip it. I'm taking the tone of I had to watch this so you should do if you haven't. I don't know. I mean, I see where you're coming from, Steve, and I kind of get that. I'm, I was saying I'm so excited that we're doing this episode. episode because it means I finally never have to watch this movie again. But it's such a train wreck and it's so wrongheaded and ill-conceived.

It's a real seeing as believing. So I think at the end of the day, I'm definitely recommending. If you've somehow missed it or you know, you were too young when it came out. Track down the Mario Brothers movie. As bad as video game adaptations are, this is still the worst one, I think, in some ways. Probably. I think, you know, you can, I guess, give it a little bit of slack because it was was the first one and we didn't really know how to do it how to do it right you know i mean

still don't know how to do it right that's the thing i was going to say has there ever been a time we're like wow that video game adaptation really knocked my socks off people will tell you that silent hill which i've never that's what i was going to say everybody says that that silent hill movie's good i've never seen it i don't like those resident evil movies they're really bad uh doom is terrible blood rain that's a bad one oof all the blood rains how could you mess up Nazi zombies and vampires somehow they found a way you have a boy oh

yeah yeah I mean look at the don't you don't talk bad about that guy that'll box you to death oh yeah okay he'll box you right into the grave that's fine that'd be a good way for me to go I think that's super Mario brothers from

1993 directed by Rocky Morton and Annabelle Jankle if you want to get a hold of us and find out more information about we hate movies check out our website WHM podcast.com Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM Podcast and right into the mailbag.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. What is the most successful or unsuccessful video game adaptation? Let us know. And I'll put this out here. We're getting really close to the holidays now, some last minute holiday shopping. WHM Podcast.spreadshirt.com. Get your loved ones some WeHat Movies merchandise.

Get someone you hate at the office that you got stuck with for Secret Santa, maybe get them a little something. You know, we got t-shirts, hoodies, mugs, iPhone covers, all sorts of crap. You know, I actually don't have the Secundus shirt.

If you want to buy it for me, I'll give you my address. Steve loves giving strangers his address. All right, clue for next week's episode, which is the final episode of 2014? Woof. That could mean all sorts of things. I think Woof was actually the original title

for We Hate Movies. Woof, a podcast about movies. Woof. Buzz your girlfriend. Woof. Okay, it's not home alone. It's not home alone. No.

Yeah, that's... Or a home alone, too. It's no home alone movies. But it's a woof. So until next week, when we find out what woof means, I'm Andrew Juppin. Eric Siska. Stephen Sayda. Take it easy.

Thank you.